#a lot of his self-worth is tied up in how other people perceive him

[commsroom]

as an extension of how hera reads as trans to me, hera/eiffel resonates with me specifically as a relationship between a trans woman and a cis man. loving hera requires eiffel to decentralize his own perspective in a way that ties into both his overall character arc and the themes of the show.

pop culture is baked into the dna of wolf 359, into eiffel’s worldview, and in how it builds off of a sci-fi savvy audience’s assumptions: common character types, plot beats, or dynamics, why would a real person behave this way? how would a real person react to that? eiffel is the “everyman” who assumes himself to be the default. hera is the “AI who is more human than a lot of humans,” but it doesn’t feel patronizing because it isn’t a learned or moral quality; she is a fundamentally human person who is routinely dehumanized and internalizes that.

eiffel/hera as a romance is compelling to me because there is a narrative precedent for some guy/AI or robot woman relationships in a way i think mirrors some attitudes about trans women: it’s a male power fantasy about a subclass of women, or it’s a cautionary tale, or it’s a deconstruction of a power fantasy that criticizes the way men treat women as subservient, as property. but what does that pop culture landscape mean in the context of desire? If you are a regular person, attracted to a regular person, who really does care for you and wants to do right by you, but is deeply saturated in these expectations? how do you navigate that?

I think that, in itself, is an aspect of communication worth exploring. sometimes you won’t get it. sometimes you can’t. and that’s not irreconcilable, either. it’s something wolf 359 is keenly aware of, and, crucially, always sides with hera on. eiffel screws up. he says insensitive things without meaning to. often, hera will call him out on it, and he will defer to her. in the one case where he notably doesn’t, the show calls attention to it and makes him reflect. it’s not a coincidence that the opening of shut up and listen has eiffel being particularly dismissive of hera - the microaggression of separating her from “men and women” and the insistence on using his preferred title over hers. there are things eiffel has just never considered before, and caring for hera the way he does means he has to consider them. he's never met someone like hera, but media has given him a lot of preconceptions about what people like her might be like.

there’s a whole other discussion to be had about the gender dynamics of wolf 359, even in the ways the show tries to avoid directly addressing them, and how sexual autonomy in particular can’t fully be disentangled from explorations of AI women. i don’t think eiffel fully recognizes what comments like “wind-up girl” imply, and the show is not prepared to reconcile with it, but it’s interesting to me. in the context of transness (and also considering hera’s disability, two things i think need to be discussed together), i think it’s worth discussing how hera’s self image is at odds with the way people perceive her, her disconnect from physicality, how she can’t be touched by conventional means, and the ways in which eiffel and hera manage to bridge that gap.

even the desire for embodiment, and the autonomy and type of intimacy that comes with it, means something different when it’s something she has to fight for, to acquire, to become accustomed to, rather than a circumstance of her birth. i suppose the reason i don’t care for half measures in discussions re: hera and embodiment is also because, to me, it is in many ways symbolically a discussion about medical transition, and the social fear of what’s “lost” in transition, whether or not those things were even desired in the first place.

hera’s relationship with eiffel is unquestionably the most supportive and equal one she has, but there are still privileges, freedoms, and abilities he has that she doesn’t, and he forgets that sometimes. he will never share her experiences, but he can choose to defer to her, to unlearn his pop culture biases and instead recognize the real person in front of him, and to use his own privilege as a shield to advocate for her. the point, to me - what’s meaningful about it - is that love isn’t about inherent understanding, it’s about willingness to listen, and to communicate. and that’s very much at the heart of the show.

[lycheedr3ams]

König Character Analysis (Part 1)

*image reposted with permission

Part 1: His Past | Part 2: König's MBTI

the first installment of a multi-part character analysis for our beloved König

to convince you guys i know what I'm talking about, just look through my blog at my könig posts. I am confident that I have grasped most parts of his personality and backstory, but I will acknowledge that some of it may be projecting. obviously we do not know much about him, which is the point of this series. i also relate a lot to him

discussion of my interpretation is welcome in the comments, and if you disagree, there's no need to be hateful. he is, at the end of the day, not real

TW: bullying, social anxiety, other mental health disorders

We have very little information on könig's life before the military. his bio includes one sentence, just one, about his past:

König suffered from severe social anxiety throughout his life, often being bullied during his childhood.

while this information alone isn't striking, when put into more context of other parts of his bio, it says:

While he hoped to join as a recon sniper, his physical size and his inability to stay still made him an unsuitable candidate.

focus on those words: his inability to stay still. this crucial bit of information, tied to the fact that he was often bullied, leads me to conclude that könig has ADHD. not being able to sit still is not a stereotype, it is a real fact of life for those with ADHD, me included. people with ADHD are bullied much more than neurotypicals (people without ADHD, autism, etc). while each source is different, it is estimated that children with ADHD are 4-10x more likely to be bullied.

it is no wonder why bullying would cause social anxiety, since most of könig's interactions with his peers were negative. as someone with social anxiety, it is horrible. not knowing what to say or how to act, you end up either completely misreading the social context or not saying anything. either way, you can never win.

additionally, children with ADHD receive up to 20,000 more negative messages from parents and peers in their childhood than neurotypical children. because of this, it is common for people with ADHD to also be extra sensitive to rejection, and it can be so strong in some that a new term has been coined called "rejection sensitive dysphoria." research on this issue has revealed that 99% of people with ADHD also have and experience rejection sensitive dysphoria. therefore, it makes sense to conclude that König also experiences rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd)

an aside on rsd: this isn't just feeling hurt when you're rejected by a crush or feeling sheepish or embarrassed you're scolded at work or school. rsd episodes make you question your entire life, your personality, your worth, and for many can even lead to suicidal thoughts just from a small incident of rejection. it can also lead to the person having low self-esteem, and they are also more likely to perceive rejection even when it is not there. it is an intense and overwhelming experience that no one should have to go through, yet people with ADHD experience it often

so, we've established, based on the evidence i've provided, that König has ADHD, social anxiety, and experiences rsd. i would say that i can't even imagine what König's childhood was like, but sadly I can since i too have adhd and was bullied. being mean is never okay, and bullying is not cute or quirky or sassy. bullying is when someone kicks your books across the floor, steals and destroys your belongings, when they spread false rumors, make fun of you, laugh at you, when they give you mean faces when you ask questions in class, when your only friend is the other "weird" kid who also has ADHD. it's when your teachers constantly criticize you and you get in trouble for every little thing. it's when you just wanted a friend and everyone else knew how to socialize, but somehow, you didn't. being bullied while also having ADHD is an experience i wish on no one. yet könig went through this. just sit with that for a minute. the big scary military man we love was also a child once, and went through this.

sorry to depress you guys, but this is the reality of his character. i firmly believe that könig has ADHD and experiences rsd despite his untouchable and stoic demeanor, and you're not gonna change my mind.

so, that's the end of the first installment. keep your eyes out for more, cuz trust me, there's gonna be more. (also don't forget to sign up for my taglist if you want! link is on my masterpost)

taglist: @osteawb, @sleepystaarr, @vvampir3s, @simpxinnie, @majocookie, @sharkyyyyyyyyyyyy, @marysdelrey, @kybeth5, @chaos-on-stand-bi, @shannonswizzies, @arcadia509, @bloodstoneruby, @cumikering, @skystreamchan, @junkratssheila-09, @kit-williams, @tangerynsbaby, @dreamdiaries777, @royalbxstxrd, @non-satanic-panic, @theweirdchick, @kiyomisan, @maylif, @mortimoshi, @eneiss

[nym-wibbly]

You think John Winchester beat/abused Dean into suppressing his sexuality? You're great at taking these canons apart on details--- would love to get your take on this.

Dean's inner workings are such a huge field of study! You're very kind, but I think a lot of his nuances are still beyond my grasp of canon. I bet there's tons to pick up on rewatching. I'll have a stab at it though!

I think Dean's father taught him that practical reliance and emotional dependence on anyone or anything but blood family is dangerous. That indulging his private feelings - any feelings - is dangerous. And that doing those things makes him a danger to others, to Sam, to the mission, and therefore would make him into a bad person; that Dean grew up convinced that he can't afford to let himself have - or need - affection, support, connections, community, obligations, or ties outside the hunting life, and only limited access to those luxuries within it.

Dean fell into line with John's rules of the road while Sam pushed back and got himself out for just long enough to see a different way of living life - one I'm sure a younger John Winchester, married to Mary and with their two young sons in the house, would have recognised as worth fighting for and protecting. Sam brings that back with him, and never stops trying to share that wider perspective and personal growth with Dean - never stops offering to listen or be emotionally supportive, even when Dean shuts him down over and over again.

I think Dean learned from his father - from his whole rootless and overburdened childhood - that other people have to be able to depend on him, so he can't afford either to feel weak or to be perceived as weak, for their sake. For survival's sake. The performative mess we find him in come the start of Supernatural is him trying to fit that with his adult experiences and needs. If he's wrestling at all with his sexuality in the middle of all that, I think it's far from being the biggest or most damaging of his issues.

Dean's basically a decent bloke with a good heart, full of love to give, smart, capable, and intrinsically strong, but his self-worth is completely tied up with this need to be a protector, the strong one. His baby brother actually has to spell out to him that, now he's an adult too, Sam can, will, and wants to protect Dean right back. Dean had no inkling that it wasn't a one-way street, which is heartbreaking.

John's white-whale revenge quest taught Dean that life is short, that there's no higher meaning or grand plan. That you don't get what you want, you get the hand you're dealt and have to play it. That it's his role in life to serve, and to die young doing it. He doesn't think he gets to plan a future, and has mixed feelings when Sam tries to do just that by going to college.

I'm not sure Dean's hiding or repressing his sexuality in particular; more that he's not dealing - refusing or unable to deal - with the whole area of intimate relationships that go beyond a fun one night stand. Of emotional and supportive relationships and people's need for those, period.

Dean looks at the comfort and support system available to other people with their lovers and spouses, and doesn't see a Dean-shaped vacancy anywhere, be it with men, women... or angels. Yet he wants it, or something that looks like it. He longs for family and home, and not only because it's something he knows he lost once. He's terrific with children, from the small ones up to the angry teens, so he knows instinctively how to give the kind of support and validation he denies himself - but does he even know that he finds those encounters rewarding? Is he even aware that it's a good thing for those relationships to be mutually rewarding? I'm not sure he lets himself think that way. Maybe it's just an itch he can't quite scratch?

The moment he has the opportunity he goes straight to Lisa and Ben and tries to make it work with that ready-made family. He remembers just enough of the time before his mother's murder to feel a pull towards 'traditional' family life, but it's like he's living a fairytale. He's waiting for the big bad wolf the whole time, waiting to flip back to high alert protector mode. Once the monsters touch his little family and shatter the bubble, he can't sustain the relationship. Lisa gives him every chance to have it on his own terms, but Dean can't do it.

My take is that Dean suppresses anything and everything that might give him comfort, peace, softness, or what others (including his father in vengeance mode) could perceive as outward signs of weakness. Talking about his feelings, about things he can't have, dwelling on and processing his feelings - that's what John taught Dean that weakness looks like. That unaffordable luxury of weakness. You get up, wash off the blood, keep your weapons in good order, and keep fighting until you can no longer fight. Dean denies himself anything that could be used against him or Sam, and for the longest time he thinks that's a good thing. Later in the series, he's learned enough to know that this kind of strength is brittle at best, and to be afraid of the consequences of stress-testing it too hard.

I think Dean doesn't even bother digging into what he wants and needs from a lasting partner. Into his feelings and sexuality, his ideas about couples, about hearth and home. It's not just that he's terrified of losing it if he has it: he's sure he'll lose it if he ever has it, because he's sure he doesn't deserve it.

I reckon Dean stopped exploring himself at a very young age, and learned to ignore his own needs and feelings beyond the limited avenues that got a nod and a wink from John Winchester. Being good at hunting. Taking care of Sam. Drinking. Driving. Polishing the roleplay and the hustle to stay under the radar. Taking care of Sam some more. Shut down everything else tight and keep a lid on it. Grab gratification where you can but don't ever try to keep hold of it or set down roots.

Dean lives in maintenance mode. Other than his brief idyll with Lisa and Ben, there's never a time when Dean doesn't feel he has to stay in that state of toughened battle-readiness. The only reason he's able to get close to Castiel over the long term is that Cas can join him in the fight, is willing to take Dean as-is without needing him to unbend, and can tough things out just as hard as Dean can.

I don't think John necessarily needed to pile on physical or targeted psychological abuse to shape Dean this way and make him equate processing and personal exploration with weakness. Just making the adult-responsibility demands he did of a child, and exposing him to the monsters and the killing and the awareness of how precarious life is, would've been plenty. I get the sense that if John had ever posed a danger to Sam through violence or drunken carelessness, Dean would've killed him. (For the first few episodes, I sorta thought he sekritly had!)

(Ask me again when I've rewatched Supernatural and my answer might be completely different!)

[hijackalx]

so i see a lot of speculation on here about what exactly drives astarion to do some of the evil shit that he does. here are some Thoughts i have without straying too far into headcanon territory (to the best of my ability)

firstly, bg3 is a dnd game. it has the wizards of the coast seal of approval. so i think it’s safe to assume that the alignments of these characters went into consideration when creating them.

it recently came out that astarion is a neutral evil character on the idle champions website. so basically, that gives us some insight to his world views and goals.

What does it mean to be Neutral Evil?

some notes:

basically, a neutral evil character has an ‘eat-or-be-eaten’ view of society. the weak yield to the strong, and weak leaders should always be usurped by someone stronger.

they also have very little compassion and empathy for anyone else, and believe that committing acts of ‘good’ are pointless if it does not benefit themselves in some way.

they crave to be the one in powerful positions, and will do almost anything to fulfill that power fantasy, but they are not ignorant. they know better than to dive headfirst into situations in which they foresee themselves getting killed or severely injured.

if we consider that this is not just how astarion views his own personal life, but how he believes the world works (e.g, when he tells a ‘good’ tav that they are naive to the ways of the world), it gives us some idea why he is so against helping others, which is something i often see controversy around.

he essentially admits to having the idea that most, if not all people, are self-serving (e.g, he says that he does not believe there are ‘good’ people in the world besides tav). he has the mentality that the weak should stay weak, so that they might not take advantage of a helping hand like he would. in his mind, you are helping a potential foe who would turn on you during your own time of need to advance themselves.

that being said, he does not disapprove of helping people 100% of the time. if there is something in it for him, something that will aid his survival or his quest for power, he will take it.

Ascension

(possible headcanon territory, i don’t have any in-game evidence to support this and i am merely going off of the conclusions listed above)

all of these views lead to his desires for ascension. although, once he finally reaches the top of the food chain, it’s likely he feels that he is constantly under scrutiny by those waiting for any sign of weakness to usurp him (who, based on his neutral evil beliefs, inevitably exist. he even somewhat confirms this himself through the act of taking cazador’s place). i think this ties into the comments by the writers of how ascension confirms his fears, meaning he is forever trapped in his egoist views of the world and in a constant battle to protect his status— in lieu of learning to change or embrace what he perceives as ‘weak’ through the unascended ending.

The Source of this Mentality

there are some ideas that he sees the world this way because of cazador. this may be the case— but it is worth noting that he also expressed neutral evil traits before being bitten as well (e.g, using his position of power as a magistrate in a self-serving way and expecting others to obey laws while not holding himself to the same standard), so it is not unlikely that he already had this mindset and then it was heavily enforced by cazador.

Character Development

of course, as the game goes on, he seems to gradually loosen up on what he approves of vs doesn’t. he has occasional slip-ups with things he should consider ‘weak’— one of the most prevalent cases of this being his attitude towards children, who are, ironically, the purest example of the weak and needy (e.g, he approves of you playing with oliver [as long as you win], saving vanra from auntie ethel/comforting her after, feeding/giving gold to yenna, and helping mol win the chess game).

(possible headcanon territory) considering that he does not see children as a threat, he may not have the same worries in regards to helping them, if we circle back to the fear of aiding those who will eventually turn against him.

In Conclusion

he’s not a perfect neutral evil character (it would be incredibly restrictive if he was), but his writing does seem to refer to many of these guidelines, and i think it’s a helpful tool in better understanding him.

that’s all for now.

[lynaerith]

Chapter 127 and Possibilities for Mikaela's Character Progression

i'm trying to piece together my thoughts on how this is supposed to be developing our understanding of Mika's character, and what this means for his overall character arc.

Time and time again, we witness Mika's selfless actions—and how far he's willing to push himself just to ensure that the people he cares about are safe. We've already seen Mika kill himself on three separate occasions: and each time has been of his own volition and sacrifice.

I saw someone on Twitter mention that perhaps the moral theme of ONS will turn out to be that Yu must learn to let go of Mika, but I don't think this is the case.

Yu has always had a passive role in relation to every time Mika has decided to off himself. As a homunculus, he was kicked out of the fighting area between Mikaela and Paimon; as an empty vessel, he simply waited for Sika Madu to resurrect Mikaela; as a human, he was ordered/forced by child Mika to run away, and then forced to watch vampire Mika give his life to protect him.

In other words, Yu has never had a choice on whether he could "keep" Mika around, because he was never actively partaking in the choice.

Moreover, I think that what this means for our current Mika, is that he must actually learn to be selfish. He must learn to put himself before others.

Every time Mika has died, in one way or another, it was for someone else. Mika choses to die, time and time again, because he has this self-perceived notion that the happiness and well-being of other's whom he cares deeply about is above his own.

I think this also ties into Mika's horrendous self-image and self-worth—which we see mostly when Mika is a vampire, and briefly as a demon.

Of course, this brings up a lot of questions as to why Kagami handeled vampire Mika the way he did for so long, but I digress.

Throughout the entire story of ONS, Mikaela has always been selfless; not just in death, but also in life. He gives himself up to Ferid to provide for his orphan family, he holds Seraph Yu back from killing his squad, he comes to the aid of the Shinoa squad despite quarreling, etc.

So, I think that now—especially because not once do we ever see demon Mika's face in chapter 127 as the entire ordeal occurs—Mika must realize he can't be selfless. He can't just keel over and die for others. He needs to start being selfish and wanting things: he needs to want to live. It's ironic, because Yu even tells Mika when they reunite in chapter 36 that he won't listen to anyone who so easily throws their life away.

Perhaps Mika's learned selfishness will play a key role in ensuring Yu is able to resurrect both humanity and Mika. Selfishness does share a similar weight to the seven sins biblically, and given just how biblical ONS is, perhaps sin itself will aid in the ordeal.

Anyways :') Please feel free to add your own commentary in reblogs/comments, offer your own insights or counterpoints. This is invitation for discussion!

[iniziare]

"You've won so much, and you're still SO afraid of losing. They only see your big bets, your bravado, the full house, the straight flush. They don't know the other hand is below the table, clutching your chips for dear life."

Aventurine's not-so-little existential vacuum, let's talk about it. I see a lot of posts on X in which people talk about how they perceived Aventurine's state of mind prior, during and even after 2.1, with many tying him to having a death wish. Now to each their own, but this is certainly not my read on it, with the above quote being a big reason as to why, and so I want to take a minute to state my take on it quite clearly on my blog for reference for the event that it might come up one day.

Between the categories of 'Aventurine wants to die' and 'Aventurine wants to live', I don't think that he fits into either one, and I think that's exactly the fundamental part of his character: the fact that he's supposed to represent the space between the two. Nuance makes it that nothing in life will ever be black and white, and to me, this is no exception. Claiming that Aventurine held a wish to truly die at any point in Penacony (or in general) isn't something that I can ascribe to, because if loss in form of death isn't actually a loss but instead a win, then he wouldn't be so afraid of losing, and he wouldn't be clutching his chips for, as it has been said: 'dear life'. So no, I don't think he's trying to die, or wants to; death carries too high a toll, and holds too much weight when you think back on his younger years. Not only that, but he has also put so much effort into being where he is today, to... live. And yet, and yet.

And so the story brings us to 'wanting to live', and that one's equally as difficult to address, because if that is a mantra in his life, then it is countered by the fact that he always gambles 'all or nothing', and the 'all' is represented by his life, over and over. If he truly wants to live, then why is he so quick to gamble his life, despite being afraid of losing it? So you see, it's not really a simple or satisfactory conclusion to the question either. But this is where 'worth' comes into play, and it is the key that stands, in my opinion, in the very center of his life and his perspective. 'Wanting to live' means that you need to see worth in the life that you're living, and that's the complexity of his character. Not only does he question Acheron, essentially, about the meaning of life if all is predetermined (I'll get to it in a moment), but he also notes the following to his past self after her answer, and yes, I'm including most of this conversation because it's essential to feel the weight:

"Kakavasha": Mister... You're leaving? You ultimately chose to... leave this Dreamscape? Aventurine: ...Yes. Because they are not here... My papa, mama, and big sis... "Kakavasha": Then where are they? Aventurine: They are in a place where everyone will go. A very, very distant place. "Kakavasha": Then are you going too? Aventurine: I'll get there, one day. But not now. There will come a day when the sky will drizzle, and I will hear the call of Gaiathra Triclops and know that it is time for me to go and be reunited with my family. Aventurine: So until the time comes... I should be preparing. "Kakavasha": Preparing for what? Aventurine: Preparing to face them, Kakavasha, and to make them proud. "Kakavasha": ... I know you'll be able to do it. Good luck! Aventurine: Of course. For I am a child who received the blessing of Gaiathra Triclops. "Kakavasha": But you still seem nervous... Aventurine: I seem that way because I am nervous. You know what? Maybe you can help... Aventurine: What do you say? One last time? Put our palms together?

'To make them proud.' For someone to be proud of another, there needs to be a reason for it, and usually that comes in reactive form to accomplishment, growth or development, something tied to your character or your actions. It's a legacy of sorts if you will, and a legacy can take form in a number of ways: materialistically or emotionally are two examples. It's in this moment, that I believe Aventurine properly acknowledged the weight of a life's worth for the first time, because he was finally ready to hear the message in Acheron's words:

Aventurine: ...Before we part, can you answer one more question? As someone who has traveled on that road, can you tell me... Why are we born into this world if it's just to die? Acheron: I don't think this, and never have. Nor do you. Aventurine: But the Nihility envelops you and I... and everyone. Acheron: And because of that, it's pointless. Aventurine: But it is still there. If the dice of fate are always weighted, then that is our destiny. Why then... do we struggle against it? Acheron: ...My answer might not be able to resolve your confusion, because it has been with you throughout your journey, and is already a part of your life. But you said, "Sleep is the rehearsal of death," so why does life slumber? Because we are not ready for the final rest. So you can definitely understand, why we want to be prepared. Even if the ending has been predetermined, that's fine. There are countless things that humans cannot change. But before the end, there are many things that humans can do while on their journey. And because of this, the "end" will thus reveal a completely different meaning.

This vacuum that he'd found himself stuck in, is the simple concept of... why struggle so very hard if all of it is pointless in the very end? Aventurine, until that moment, never figured out what the answer is to the grandest question of them all: what is the meaning of life? But the answer is that humans, while they can only do so much before they die, do what they can before they leave the rest to fate, and that matters. Whether to/for yourself, or others, it matters; that's Acheron's message.

Until this moment, Aventurine was scared to die, and yet never truly 'lived' in any capacity, all because he lacked the recognition of what it meant of having something to live... for, because he didn't... have anything to live for. He says it himself slightly earlier to Acheron when she asks whether he's ever wavered: 'But I can only bank on my own good fortune, because other than that, I have nothing.' Aventurine has a very complicated view of his own self-worth, but it's during this exchange that it changes. And that, I believe, is why when he speaks to "Kakavasha", or rather his past self, that he's nervous. Because for the first time in his life, he looks at the prospect of waking up from that fleeting dream, with some sort of knowledge that every step he takes before that final rest claims him: matters, and they matter because they are his own, and not destiny's.

And an even less coherently written P.S.: There is also something to be said however, about a couple of lines that are scattered throughout the chapter of 'A Walk Among the Tombstones', which are as follows:

Acheron: It's a pity this is not the place you were expecting. (...) Aventurine: ...Yes. Because they are not here... My papa, mama, and big sis... "Kakavasha": Then where are they? Aventurine: They are in a place where everyone will go. A very, very distant place. (...) Topaz: The light of the aventurine stone... has disappeared. This only represents one outcome... Jade: He kept his promise... And got what he wanted.

But that one, is for a different day, even if now, and I can hear him in my head loud and clear: it no longer really matters.

[erisluna35ocblog]

Characterization Across AUs: Fiona Kuznetsov

Overprotective and fiercely loyal. Especially towards Keagan. Granted, he's an idiot with no self preservation.

Her family has ahigh social status, but that's only because one of her parents worked hard to earn it. She's more of a nouveau riche.

Because of this, she can act pretty rough around the edges despite being a rich girl.

Hates dresses and overly girly things, something she's always at odds with her father about.

However she does like fashion and has an eye for aesthetics - the thing is, her taste leans towards badass (punk, skaters, edgy, suits, knights, armor, metals... it depends on the setting).

Gender noncomforming. Some AUs take this to another level and make her nonbinary. The only constant is her super feminine appearance clashing with her more stereotypically masculine preferences.

Infamous as a bully hunter at school. Also as well known for her beautiful, fae-like appearance.

Strong despite her looks and size. Will kick your ass if provoked. But under that tough guy facade, she's got a more vulnerable and sensitive and understanding side.

This is why she's so image conscious. She doesn't like being perceived as delicate or weak.

One with the highest moral grounds in the main cast. Yes, she's kinder than Shizuke. Very chivalric, cause her concept was based on a knight in shining armor.

The foe the main hero dreads to fight. She's that scary strong. Heaven help them if she gets a power up - which she most likely will get.

Whenever someone important to her is keeping secrets, she chases them down for answers. They can play dumb all they want, but she can always tell... She is a sensitive person after all.

Finding out that secret always ends in some kind of disaster. There's a reason that important person hid it form her to begin with. They didn't want to, but they know her too well. She meant well, only wanting to protect them. She won't react in the best way. They saw that coming and were trying to protect her from herself.

Has a knight and/or bird motiff. Loves blue, black and silver metals. Ice and/or metal are elements most tied to her.

She'll feel like she failed to protect people in all AUs. Especially Keagan, she can't save him from everything. This fractures her confidence in herself. This is why she is overprotective.

Her arc will always include her rebuilding herself image, and not base her entire worth on this.

Whenever Keagan is accused of committing horrible acts, she's quick to defend him and believe he's innocent.

Keagan and Shizuke are the only ones she would trust to show her more vulnerable side to. Blair and Blake eventually get there through the story.

Team work with Blair always starts off rough for the same reasons Shizuke didn't get along with the real Blair at first: clashing morals and how they do things. They always end up as good friends after that.

She gets along better with her brother Gavril's girlfriend than Gavril himself.

Her powersets lets her create weapons. Otherwise, she's considered stronger than average.

While her relationship with Shizuke can carry a lot of romance tropes (she protects him from bullies, he takes care of her, she's his motive or inspiration for his heroic arc, childhood friends who would never abandon each other etc.), they remain strictly platonic. Blair was jealous of this for a while.

Damien and Natalia always start off on her hit list and rarely get close to her, even though they're on the same side. They could get along someday but it's never on the same level as she is with the twins whom she opens up to.

She and Natalia fought over a boy at some point. Context may vary, it doesn't necessarily have to be as love rivals. Ironically, it was more mutual and actively prickly when it was over Shizuke than any other guy.

She and Damien got off on the wrong foot - she first meets him as a bully. Made worse when he picked on Shizuke. She kicked his ass over it. Damien used to have a crush on her, that's part of why he picked on Shizuke in the first place (Keagan was always out of reach).

[slashmagpie]

8 & 29!!

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

This is a REALLY hard question. I was trying to think of a LLAU answer because the whole point of that series was fun dialogue but actually the first concrete scene that came to mind was this scene from chapter 14 of The Fair and the Brave and the Good:

“Why do you stay with me?” Scott asks one night. They’re sat around a campfire, the flickering light and makeshift walls keeping the mobs away. Jimmy is tending to a wound he’d gotten earlier that day when he’d fallen into a ravine that Scott hadn’t bothered to warn him of. Don’t blame him for assuming that Jimmy had working eyes.  “What do you mean?” Jimmy blinks at him. “You could go anywhere in the world,” Scott says. “Do anything you want. But you stay with me. Why?” Jimmy shrugs, frowning back down at the bandage tied around his leg. “I don’t really have anywhere else to go,” he admits. “I don’t have, like, skills, or anything. I couldn’t get a job. I have no money. And I know you. I don’t really know anyone else.” “I see,” Scott replies. He pokes at the fire with a stick. “Was that the wrong answer?” Jimmy asks. Scott snorts. “There is no wrong answer, Jimmy, I was just asking.”  “Well, I don’t know,” Jimmy says. “Maybe it was a test, and you wanted me to say that I stay because we’re best friends, or I’m secretly in love with you, or something.” Scott snorts. “Well?” he asks. “Are you?” “Am I what?” “Secretly in love with me?” Jimmy splutters, flushing red. “I—what—no—Scott!” Scott bursts out laughing. “Oh, you should see your face!” Jimmy scowls. “It’s not funny,” he mutters. “Aww, it’s okay, I don’t mind if you have a crush on me,” Scott teases. “I’ll crush something in a minute, alright,” Jimmy says. “No, I’m not secretly in love with you, come on. I know you too well for that.”  That—doesn’t sting. That’s what Scott tries to tell himself, anyway. It’s not like he’s even interested in Jimmy. It’s just—yeah, no, of course he wouldn’t. He’s right. He knows Scott too well, knows that he’s not someone worth loving.  “...You’re not secretly in love with me, are you?” Jimmy asks, hesitant, breaking the awkward silence that’s fallen. Scott rolls his eyes. “Heavens, Jimmy, no.” Jimmy holds up his hands in surrender. “I was just checking!” “You don’t deserve someone like me, anyway,” Scott says, something dark and heavy in his chest.  Jimmy snorts. “Sure, sure. I’m well aware.” It doesn’t sting. It doesn’t. Scott tends to the fire, and pretends like this conversation isn’t going to haunt him. (“Hey,” Jimmy says, breaking the silence again. “We’re friends, right?”  “Sure,” Scott says, distracted, staring into the flames. “Good,” Jimmy says. “Because we are. I care about you a lot—I mean, not in that way, but—” Scott sighs. “Jimmy, shut up before you dig an even bigger hole for yourself, okay?” Jimmy shuts up. The silence that follows, at least on his end, is much more fond than the one before it.)

There's a lot going on in this one. For starters: the miscommunication. "You don't deserve someone like me," which Jimmy sees as Scott telling him he's out of his league, and which Scott means in an "I'm unlovable and no one would dare care about me" kind of way. Jimmy is able to clarify at the end that he cares about Scott, but Scott forgets, isn't paying attention. Everything in this scene only reinforces his very self-depreciating mindset, which is entirely off-base with how other people (in this instance, Jimmy in particular) perceive him.

Also, I feel like this scene just really nicely sums up their character arcs in this fic. Scott is convinced he's some evil unlovable monster. He's not. He's just kind of a dick and people don't want to be around him because he's mean to them. They still care about him but he can't see that because he's so busy being wrapped up in his own suffering to pay attention to the people around him (which is why he's such a dick in the first place). He's stuck in this horrible cycle that he can't escape. Jimmy, meanwhile, sees himself as someone who is inherently incapable. Other people are Good and Special and Heroic; Jimmy is Just A Guy and whilst he can support those people, he can't be one. He sticks with Scott because he thinks he can't make it on his own; Scott is obviously out of his league because he's just a Different Type Of Person that Jimmy can Never Be. (And Scott can't pull his head out of his ass to tell Jimmy that that's obviously bullshit, because why would he think Jimmy thinks that way?)

Also flower husbands banter is really fun to write <3

9. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

Well, turns out, I've actually kinda already done this? In that I've written several fanfics-of-a-fanfic for my friend Doc's series Echoes. Fallen Pines is technically an AU, but Burn It Down takes place during a timeskip in Pearl's backstory prequel, so that counts. I'm saying that counts. (I also have other Echoesverse fics on my to-write list but We'll See if those ever see the light of day.)

I'd also wanna write some S1 ESwap stuff. Not sure if that counts as being not written by myself as it's a collaborative project I'm involved in but. Lots of thoughts about ESwap S1.

...Other than that, nothing is really coming to mind? A lot of my favourite fics I enjoy just because they're something I wouldn't personally write but love to read.

Fic Questions!!

[sidewalk-scrawls]

I do actually think Ed was feeling fear in the last episode prior to going into Kraken mode, but I feel like people often misunderstand what he was afraid of. He wasn’t afraid of violence from Izzy, and Izzy wasn’t threatening it. What Ed *was* afraid of, I think, was a mixture of two things -- The loss of the respect of the crew, and the idea of Izzy leaving.  His fear was primarily related to the emotional context he found himself in, rather than a fear of physical harm (although I think the fear of Izzy leaving could fall a bit into both categories, considering Ed would be left with an incompetent crew and no right hand guy).

When Izzy confronts him, Ed was obviously already emotionally fragile. Like, that guy was balanced on a razor’s edge, trying to cope but doing it very badly through a heavy, heavy layer of denial. He was not dealing well with Stede not showing up at the dock, and it was not going to take much to push him over the edge. And then, during the confrontation, Izzy pretty clearly implies that he’d be leaving next if Ed didn’t get his shit together. I think that is actually Ed’s breaking point.

Because if Izzy *had* left, what then? Ed would’ve been stuck with a crew who didn’t actually know him, and who he clearly didn’t care about. He would’ve lost the respect and fear that he’d built up as Blackbeard, when that fear and respect provide him with a physical and emotional shield. *And* he’d have lost his first mate, who’s been with him for who knows how long. Plus, being abandoned again, right after being abandoned by Stede? That would fucking hurt.

From a practical perspective, too, there could be problems for Ed if Izzy leaves the ship. When Izzy confronts him, Ed is still firmly in denial mode, but I think that scene breaks him out of it -- Ed starts to acknowledge that, yeah, this thing that he’s doing with the crew can’t last. The idea that they can stop being pirates and become performers, and that the world will just let them... It’s just not realistic. And if Izzy leaves, well... Izzy plays the more rigid, methodical role on the ship in response to Ed’s creativity and impulsiveness. Their skills compliment each other well, which likely influences how Ed chooses to run his ship. So if Izzy leaves, not only is Ed taking an emotional punch, he’s also left with an incompetent crew and potentially the need to invent an entirely new leadership style.

Alright, so how do you protect yourself when you’re afraid you’ve lost the respect of your crew, and you’re also afraid of your first mate leaving? Well, if you’re Ed, you just make a series of incredibly destructive decisions! He pushes Lucius off the ship to prove to *himself* that he can still be scary and violent, and then he cuts off Izzy’s toe to prove to *Izzy* that he can be scary and violent. If Izzy thinks he’s scary and violent again, then he’ll stay. And then, to get rid of those last glimpses of weakness, he throws all his ex-boyfriend’s stuff off the ship and leaves his crew marooned on an island to die of dehydration.

And I mean, it does work. Technically. Ed’s regained the fear of his crew, and Izzy stays. But I think his choice of how he did that is going to have a *lot* of rippling consequences in season 2 -- I'd wager we’ll see Ed and Izzy’s relationship get worse as a direct result of this, far before anything starts to get better.

[lorenfangor]

I heard that #40 was super homophobic :/ so I skipped it. But now your fic is making me want to give it a try. How problematic is it? Are the characters worth it?

Okay.

Okay.

Let’s talk about #40.

The plot of The Other (a Marco POV) is that Marco sees an Andalite on a video tape sent in to some Unsolved Mysteries-esque TV show, and he assumes it’s Ax and hauls ass to save him from being captured. Ax, being Ax, has videotaped the show, and they pull it up and Tobias uses his hawk eyes to figure out that it’s not Ax, it’s another Andalite - one without a tailblade. Ax is appalled at the presence of this vecol (an Andalite word for a disabled person) and we find out that he and others of his species have deep ingrained prejudices against at least some kinds of disabled people.

Despite this, Marco and Ax go looking for the Andalite in question because he’s been spotted by national TV, and they meet a second one, named Gafinilan-Estrif-Valad. The vecol is Mertil-Iscar-Elmand, a former fighter pilot with a reputation and Gafinilan’s coded-gay life partner. The two of them have been on Earth since book 1; they crashed their fighters on the planet and have been trapped there thanks to the GalaxyTree going down. Gafinilan has adopted a human cover, a physics professor, and they’ve been living in secret ever since.

Thanks to that tape, Mertil has been captured by Visser Three, and he’s not morph-capable so he can’t escape. Gafinilan wants to trade the leader of the “Andalite Bandits” to the Yeerks to get his boyfriend back; he can’t fight to free Mertil because he’s terminally ill with a genetic disorder that will eventually kill him, and (it’s implied that) the Yeerks aren’t interested in disabled hosts, even disabled Andalite ones. Despite Ax’s ableism, the Animorphs agree to work with Gafinilan and free Mertil, and they’re successful. Marco ends the book talking about how there are all kinds of prejudices you’ll have to face and boxes that people will put you in, and you can’t necessarily escape them even if they’re reductive and inaccurate, but you can still live your life with pride.

So now that I’ve explained the plot, I’m gonna come out the gate saying that I love this book. I love it wholeheartedly, I love Marco’s narration, I love Ax having to deal with Andalite society’s ableism, I love these characters, and as a disabled lesbian I don’t find these disabled gays to be inherently Bad Rep.

that’s of course just my opinion and it doesn’t overshadow other issues that people might have? but at the same time, I don’t like the seemingly-common narrative that this book is all bad all the time, and I want to offer up a different read.To that end, I’m going to go point by point through some of the criticisms and common complaints that I’ve seen across the fandom over the years.

“Mertil and Gafinilan were put on a bus after one appearance because they were gay!”

this is one I’m going to have to disagree with hardcore. I talked about this yesterday, but in Animorphs there are a lot of characters or ideas that only get introduced once or twice and then get written off or dropped - in order off the top of my head, #11 (the Amazon trip), #16 (Fenestre and his cannibalism), #17 (the oatmeal), #18 (the hint of Yeerks doing genetic experiments in the hospital basement), #24/#39/#42 (the Helmacrons’ ability to detect morphing tech), #25 (the Venber), #28 (experiments with limiting brain function through drugs), #34 (the Hork-Bajir homeworld being retaken, the Ixcila procedure), #36 (the Nartec), #41 (Jake’s Bad Future Dream), and #44 (the Aboriginal people Cassie meets in Australia) all feature things that either seem to exist just for the sake of having a particular trope explored Animorphs-style or to feature an idea for One Single Book.

This is a series that’s episodic and has a very limited overall story arc because of how children’s literature in the 90s was structured - these books are closer to The Saddle Club, Sweet Valley High, Animal Ark, or The Baby-Sitters’ Club than they are to Harry Potter or A Series of Unfortunate Events. Mertil and Gafinilan don’t get to be in more than one book because they’re not established in the main cast or the supporting cast, I don’t think that it’s solely got anything to do with their being gay.

“Gafinilan has AIDS, this is a book about AIDS, and that’s homophobic!”

Okay, this is… hard. First, yes, Gafinilan does have a terminal illness. Yes, Gafinilan is gay. No, Soola’s Disease is not AIDS.

I have two responses to this, and I’ll attack them in order of their occurrence in my thought. First, there’s coded AIDS diseases all over genre fiction, especially genre fiction from that era, because the AIDS epidemic made a massive impact on public life and fundamentally changed both how the public perceived illness and queerness and how queer people themselves experienced it. I was too young to live through it, but my dad’s college roommate was out, and my dad himself has a lot of friends who he just ceases to talk about if the conversation gets past 1986 or so - this was devastating and it got examined in art for more reasons than “gay people all have AIDS”, and I dislike the implication that the only reason it could ever appear was as a tired stereotype or a message that Being Queer Means Death. Gafinilan is kind, fond of flowers, and fond of children - he’s multifaceted, and he’s got a terminal illness. Those kinds of people really exist, and they aren’t Bad Rep.

Second off, Soola’s Disease? Really isn’t AIDS. It’s a congenital genetic illness that develops over time, cannot be transmitted, and does not carry a serious stigma the way AIDS did. Gafinilan also has access to a cure - he could become a nothlit and no longer be afflicted by it, even if it’s considered somewhat dishonorable to go nothlit to escape that way. That’s not AIDS, and in fact at no point in my read and rereads did I assume that his having a terminal illness was supposed to be a commentary on homosexuality until I found out that other people were assuming it.

“Mertil losing his tail means he’s lost his masculinity, and that’s bad because he’s gay! That’s homophobic!”

so this is another one I’ve gotta hardcore disagree with, because while Mertil is one of two Very Obviously Queer Characters, he’s not the only character who loses something fundamental about himself, or even loses access to sexual and/or romantic capability in ways he was familiar with.

Tobias and Arbron both get ripped out of their ordinary normal lives by going nothlit in bad situations, and while they both wind up finding fulfillment and freedom despite that, it’s still traumatic, even more for Arbron I’d say than for Tobias. And on a psychological level, none of the main cast is left unmarked or free of trauma or free of deep change thanks to the bad things that have happened to them - they’re no less fundamentally altered than Mertil, even if it’s mental rather than physical. And yes, tail loss is equated with castration or emasculation, but that doesn’t automatically mean Mertil suffering it is tied to his homosexuality and therefore the takeaway we’re intended to have is “Being gay is tragic and makes you less of a man”. This is a series where bad shit happens to everyone, and enduring losses that take away things central to one’s self-conception or identity or body is just part of the story.

Also, frankly? Plenty of IRL disabled people have to grapple with a loss of sexual function, and again, they’re not Bad Rep just because they’re messy.

“Andalite society is confusingly written in this book, and the disability aspects are clearly just a coverup for the gay stuff!”

Andalite society is canonically sexist, a bit exceptionalist and prejudiced in their own favor, and pretty contradictory and often challenged internally on its own norms. In essence, it’s a pretty ordinary society, and they’re really realistic as sci-fi races go. It makes sense from that perspective that Andalites would tolerate scarring or a lost stalk eye or a lost skull eye, but not tolerate serious injuries that significantly impact your perceived quality of life. Ableism is like that - it’s not one-size-fits-all. I look at Ax’s reactions and I see a lot of my own family and friends’ behaviors - this vibes with my understanding of prejudice, you know?

“Mertil and Gafinilan have a tragic ending, which means the story is saying that being gay dooms you to tragedy!”

Mertil and Gafinilan have the best possible ending that they could ask for? They are victims of the war, they are suffering because of the war, they get the same cocktail of trauma and damage that every other soldier gets. But unlike Jake and Tobias and Marco, unlike Elfangor, unlike Aximili? Their ending comes in peace, in their own home. Gafinilan isn’t dying alone, he’s got the love of his life with him. Mertil isn’t going to be as isolated anymore, he’s got Marco for a friend. Animorphs is a tragedy, it’s not a happy story, it’s not something that guarantees a beautiful sunshine-and-roses ending for everyone, and I love tragedy, and so I will fight for this story. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it deserved better. But it’s not less meaningful just because it’s sad. Nobody is entitled to anything in this book, and it’s just as true for these two as it is for anyone else.

“It’s not cool that the only canonically gay characters in this series don’t get to be happy and trauma-free and unblemished Good Rep!”

This is one I can kind of understand, and I’ll give some ground to it, because it is sucky. The only thing I’ll say is that I stand by my argument that nothing that happens to Mertil and Gafinilan is unusual compared to what happens to the rest of the cast, and that their ending is way happier than Rachel and Tobias’s, or Jake and Cassie’s. But it’s a legitimate point of frustration, and the one argument I’ll say I agree has validity.

(Though, I also want to point out that I think there are plenty of equally queercoded characters in the story who aren’t Mertil and Gafinilan - Tobias, Rachel, Cassie, and Marco all get at least one or two moments that signal to me that they’re potentially LGBT+, not to mention Mr. Tidwell and Illim in #29 and their long-term domestic partnership. There’s no reason to assume that the only queer people here are those two aliens when Marco’s descriptions of Jake exist.)

“Marco uses slurs and reduces Gafinilan’s whole identity to his illness!”

Technically, yes, this is true, except putting it that way strips the whole passage of its context. Marco is discussing the boxes society puts you into, the ones you don’t have a choice about facing or escaping. He’s talking about negative stereotypes and reductive generalizations, he’s referring to them as bad things that you get inflicted upon you by an outside world or by friends who don’t know the whole story or the real you. The slurs he uses are real slurs that get thrown at people still, and they’re not okay, and the point is that they’re not okay but assholes are going to call you by them anyway. He ends by saying “you just have to learn to live with it”, and since this is coming from a fifteen-year-old Latino kid who we know is picked on by bullies for all sorts of reasons and who faces racism and homophobia? He knows what he’s talking about. He’s bitter about what’s been said and done, he’s not stating it like it’s a good thing.

Yes, absolutely, this speech is a product of its time, but it’s a product of its time that speaks of defiance and says “We aren’t what we’re said to be,” and in the year this was published? That’s a good message.

tl;dr The Other is good, actually, and Mertil and Gafinilan are incredible characters who deserve all the love they could possibly get.

[katzkinder]

While talking with friends we got on the topic of the difference between Tsurugi's offer when Freya asked him for an Item versus what happened when the same request was made of Iduna, her Eve (remind me to go fix the wiki up FJKGNDDG that thing has not been properly touched in god knows HOW long for some of the characters)

And the biggest difference is that even though, ultimately both objects offered are ostensibly a body part, hair will grow back. An eye will not. And it's a very in your face illustration of the difference between Tsurugi and Iduna.

The difference between an act of desperation out of perceived lack of self worth (poor baby) and acknowledgment of the inherent value of the self, and a reciprocation, an understanding, of the feelings shared between a woman without a name and another struggling to come to terms with the gravity of her own actions.

Especially when growing your hair that long? Takes a lot of time and effort! It’s not as simple as just… letting it grow. You have to maintain it, and it takes a long time. Hair is tied so strongly to femininity and femininity to a woman’s worth as well. It’s a far bigger act of sacrifice than you’d initially assume, especially when Iduna talks before this point about how the first time she cut her hair… Was for Shuuhei’s sake. Because as young as she was, she felt it was the only thing to offer him to show the depths of her feelings and how much she cared.

And by making that contract with Freya? She's showing him again! She is absolutely taking a big big risk there, because it's not just her hair she's sacrificing! It's not just hair she's offering up! It's her faith in her childhood friend, because she knows. She knows how much Shuuhei hates vampires.

And that? Is another key difference. Up until almost the very end, Tsurugi could not go against Touma. He couldn't take Freya's hand, he couldn't take anyone's hand, not even when he knew what Touma was doing was wrong. Not even when not doing so meant that the people he loved might die.

It was only after Yumikage accepted that if he wants Tsurugi as part of his life, he has to take Touma with him that Tsurugi was able to break free of Touma's control and do what he should have done all along.

Scold that rebellious, misbehaving child.

Maybe giving an eye is more impactful in terms of “extremes”

But Tsurugi offering his eye was actually weakness. Not strength.

I don’t think it’s coincidence that what Tsurugi offers is an eye, the very thing Odin paid for wisdom, yet the characters who are missing that same eye are Shamrock, a man consumed by Wrath and hate, and the embodiment of Wrath itself.

Because in the end, even all the wisdom of the worlds was not enough to allow Odin to stave off the end of the world as the Aesir knew it.

Servamp's opinion of self sacrifice is very clear, and it is a message repeated during Greed arc, and is being emphasized AGAIN in Niccolo's character, and yet AGAIN in Kuro's backstory! It's fine to give things up for the sake of someone you care about, it's good to risk the consequences for a lofty goal, but don't... Don't destroy yourself for others. Don't make those who love you cry and regret.

Don't you ever think for a moment that you are worth less alive than you can give if you're not there anymore.

You might lose a relationship you cherish. You might pile on mistakes. You might wish you can do it over.

But you are so much more than what you can do for others. I'm so proud of you for fighting. I'm so proud of you for being here. Thank you for sharing this world with me. I love you, and take care!

[sillyguyhotline]

yttd and themes of parental failure; how the adults in our life disappoint us

alternate title: how everyone in your turn to die has mommy issues, daddy issues, or both

I’m not the first person to talk about this, nor will I be the last, but there are a lot of themes sprinkled throughout YTTD’s story and one of the themes that isn’t talked about much is the theme of how parents (or more broadly, adults) tend to fail us. Throughout the game, we see children and adults being placed in the same deadly situation, and are disappointed time and time again as the adults prioritize their lives over those of their children... often perpetuating the cycles of abuse that they themselves have suffered. I don’t think this theme encompasses the whole story by any means, but I do think that, in some parts, YTTD attempts to tell a story of irresponsible adult figures, failing as parents, and the ways cycles of abuse are perpetuated.

I think it’s best to start with Sara, the main character and the most visible victim of the adults’ failings in the death game. Despite being a teenager, she’s elevated to a position of leadership partially by circumstance and partially by the machinations of others. I think it’s pretty clear that her being a leader is more crucial to the story than it initially seems to be, but for now it’s evident that she, as a child, has been deemed stronger than the many adults beside her in the game and has thus been made a leader. It’s acknowledged that she is the person who makes the majority of the crucial decisions, she is the person the others look to in times of turmoil, and she’s tasked with shouldering many of the heavy burdens of the group’s failures. This certainly doesn’t come without consequences; much of Sara’s grief comes not just from Joe’s death, but from regret over the countless people she’s failed to protect and the obligation she feels to prioritize their lives over her own. While many of the adult characters (Q-taro, Keiji, Shin, Alice) have the opportunity to sit back and make more selfish decisions for their own survival, Sara never has that liberty because she’s been thrust into a role where the group’s wellbeing is worth more than hers and every group failure is felt by her more than anyone else. This is most evident in the aftermath of the Kanna/Shin decision, specifically in the Kanna Dies route; Sara is the one who is tortured and meant to feel the most pain for Kanna’s death because she, as the leader, felt obligated to take the decision into her own hands... and nobody stopped her. From Russian Roulette (where Kai, the least underhanded out of all of Sara’s adult protectors, tried to stop her from becoming a leader) to Chapter 2′s Main Game, the effects of Sara’s leadership are heavy. She’s still a child who’s been given power, and the other adults in the game choose to either profit from or resent this power instead of challenging the fact that a child has been entrusted with it.

This is where Kanna comes in, another child who’s been failed by the adults in the game. When she entered, she’d lost her most important mentor figure (her sister) and as a result was left incredibly vulnerable. At first, a few of the characters tried to help her (Nao and Reko), but ultimately she was left vulnerable for too long and Shin used that vulnerability to coerce her into going along with his plans, putting her life in jeopardy by claiming she had the Sage. It’s likely that Shin reminded her of Kugie, which motivated her to stick by his side, but there’s no doubt that his manipulation influenced her to continue supporting him throughout chapter 2. Kanna is another character who felt obligated to provide protection and support for adults who didn’t provide all that much of it, which is made evident as she continues to insist he’s a good person throughout ch2 and, of course, demands that everyone vote for her to die in the main game because she thinks Shin is not only good but much more useful than she is. She, like Sara, continues to prioritize the well-being of the group over her own as a result of the position she was forced into and of the failure of the adults around her to do anything about it.

This aspect of Kanna’s character ties into another point I want to make, about cycles of abuse and protection. I believe that Shin is one of the biggest in-game examples of how abuse victims can be pushed to perpetuate those cycles upon the people they’re supposed to love and care for. Shin definitely cared for Kanna; he wrote the message in the phone to boost her spirits and fought for her to survive even knowing that if she got the Sacrifice she wouldn’t pick him to escape with. However, a lot of his dynamic with her comes as a result of the abuse he suffered under Sou Hiyori, and this abuse is part of why Kanna perceives herself to be worthless. He takes out his own anger at himself and his weakness by constantly belittling Kanna, calling her weak and useless to the group (eventually doing this because he thinks it will help her escape), and the constant reinforcement of this mindset is what leads to her self loathing and, in some cases, eventual self sacrifice. Not only does Shin fail to protect Kanna from death as a parental figure, he fails to prevent his own patterns of abuse from affecting her. This is a classic example of how abuse can become generational.

I want to cycle back to the topic of Sara, now, and bring Keiji into the mix, because I believe that Keiji is one of the biggest and also most fascinating examples of the failures of adults- primarily because he is simultaneously the child being failed and the adult who is failing. Keiji started out as an idealistic child with high hopes for his own future and strong beliefs in the police force, but he ended up killing his mentor and destroying his own faith in the goodness of the police. I also find it intriguing that the person he kills is one of the most solid parental figures in the game; Mr. Policeman cares for his child a lot and shows great care for children who aren’t even biologically related to him (such as Keiji). He likely left the police force for the sake of his child as well as to escape corruption. When Keiji kills him, he is not only killing the idealistic dream that his child self once harbored, but he is killing the biggest human embodiment of that dream in his life. Fittingly, then, Keiji goes on to turn into the opposite of what his younger self would have wanted to be. He wanted to be a protector, but in the Death Game we see him flirting with the child he’s protecting, consistently lying to and deceiving her for his own gain, pushing her into being a leader because it benefits him, and going behind her back to help himself survive (such as performing the card trade with Q-taro when it’s clear that Sara had the Sacrifice and likely would have died because of it). At the surface, Keiji is a betrayal of the mentor Sara needed in her life, but when you look beyond that, he’s a betrayal of the adult figure who guided him and the adult figure his child self wanted to be. 

There’s also Q-taro, one of the more blatant examples of an adult who valued his own survival over those of the children in the game. His selfishness, however, wasn’t concealed with concern for the children, like Shin’s and Keiji’s were. He indirectly participated in thrusting Sara into a leadership position, and time and time again attempted to get the children (specifically Gin) killed because he thought it would benefit either him or the group. His selfishness is not as much of a betrayal as it is a sad reinforcement of the idea that adults in this game can’t be trusted to protect the children. Even as he campaigns for Gin and Kanna’s deaths, even as he waits until the last minute to press the button, he still looks to Sara for guidance and trusts her as a leader. To make things even worse, the child whom he’s targeting has already been disillusioned to how pathetic adults can be; Gin’s father abuses alcohol, and as Gin establishes from the beginning, he’s already lost his trust in the reliability of adults. And, in a sad way, Gin ends up being proven right; his first father figure in the game dies immediately, and his second either dies or is quickly revealed to have been tasked with killing him. Unreliable adults in awful circumstances. 

Then you have Gashu, one of the only actual parents in this game, whose failures are felt in not one, but two children. As I stated before, while talking about Sara, Kai was one of the only people who made a move to stop Sara from being established as the group’s leader in Russian Roulette. While I believe that this is mostly because he knew of the Hades Incident and wanted to stop it from being replicated, I also have to wonder if it was because he knew what it was like, as a child, to be forced into a terrible position (as Gashu had high expectations of him as an assassin) and didn’t want the child he’d grown affectionate towards to be forced to undergo the same thing. Whatever his motives were, Kai was an example of the pain neglectful parents can bring, and he provides a stark contrast to Ranger, who wasn’t yet aware of Gashu’s cruelty when we met him. We watched in real time as Ranger realized that he wasn’t actually all that loved or valued; he was just created to serve a purpose, and when he stepped out of line he quickly lost his value. Just like how Kai served the purpose of being an assassin, and, potentially, how Sara serves the purpose of being the leader. Gashu isn’t just a neglectful parent, he’s outright malicious. 

I’d like to speculate, then, about how the story is going to take the path of neglectful adults as it goes forward. I already think that we can see where it’s going to go with Sara, as 3-1a has clearly showcased the effects of her guilt and, depending on which route you take, has either established that she’s grown comfortable with her position as leader or is crumbling under the pressure of her grief. However, going back to the theme of parents... it must be noted that almost none of the characters have been confirmed to have 2 biological parents. They either come from an orphanage or are missing a parent... and the parent they’re missing is typically the father. I have to wonder if this consistent theme of failed parenting is going to tie into Gashu’s reminder to “question your upbringing,” and if the shitty adults are going to make a more literal appearance. 

[drspencerweed]

how do you think spencer would react to you critiquing yourself in the mirror/bodychecking?

i know we talk about him needing all the praise but what if it’s needed the other way around? 🥺

I don’t know how long this has been sitting in my inbox im so sorry but here’s a little blurb about it 

also I wrote this with a plus size reader in mind, but I don’t think I was too specific! (all of my fics are plus size reader tbh) 

----

You stared at yourself in the mirror. The shower was running and probably hot by now, but you couldn’t tear your eyes away from your naked body. Your eyes caught on every perceived flaw, hands running over your stomach and thighs and breasts. Looking at yourself like this, in the harsh fluorescents of the hotel bathroom, you couldn’t understand why Spencer was with you. 

He loved you, you knew that, but sometimes the overwhelming disgust you felt for yourself took over the things you knew. You couldn’t fathom anyone looking at you and wanting you. And you knew that someone wanting you didn’t define your self worth, you knew that your body was made to keep you alive and it did a good job of that, but you couldn’t help wanting to feel desirable. Spencer might have loved your personality and your brain, but there was no way he could love your body. And how do you stay with someone who you don’t love all of? 

The tears formed in your eyes and you scrubbed them away, stepping away from the mirror and into the shower. You showered quickly, trying not to look at yourself too much. Maybe next time you should just turn off the lights. You stepped out of the shower and wrapped yourself in your towel, regretting not bringing clothes into the bathroom with you. It wasn’t like Spencer had never seen you naked, but right now you didn’t like the idea of anyone looking at your body. 

When you stepped out of the bathroom, Spencer was sitting up in bed reading. He looked up to you excitedly, but you barely even glanced at him as you hurried over to your suitcase and started to put on your pajamas. You never dropped your towel, pulling your shorts on underneath it and managing to pull your shirt on over it. He knew something was wrong because you never did that, not even before the two of you were dating. You had explained that years of summer camp and changing in cabins made you comfortable to change in front of people. (It had cause many awkward boners on Spencer’s end.) 

“[Y/N]?” he said quietly. You whipped around to look at him, clutching the towel in your hands tightly, trying to school your expression to something neutral. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yea, of course, why wouldn’t it be?” You brushed off his comment. You knew he could see right through you, though. And he did. He didn’t even say anything else, just furrowed his eyebrows in confusion and disbelief. Your lip trembled and you started to cry, trying to hide it but unable to stop the small hiccups from leaving your lips. 

Spencer was off the bed and had his arms around you in an instant. His caring nature only made you cry harder. Someday he would see what you see, and this would all go away. “Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked, hands rubbing up and down your back as you cried into his chest, still gripping the towel. 

“I just-I can’t-I don’t know how you can love me when I’m so disgusting.” You admitted quietly. 

“What?” He asked, pulling back so he could look at your face. You didn’t want to repeat what you said, so you avoided his gaze and twisted your fingers together. You sniffled and tried to stop crying but you couldn’t. “What do you mean disgusting?” 

“My body is horrible. I hate it.” You started. His eyes began to well up, seeing you so upset. You kept rambling, not able to stop once you started. “And I know, I know that my self worth isn’t tied to my body. I know that. And I know you don’t love me for that either. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I just wish I was anybody else.” You choked around your words, sobbing. “It’s so stupid, but sometimes I just wish I was beautiful.” 

Spencer pulled you into his arms again and your sobs overtook you, body shaking. He didn’t know where to start. To him, you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. But he didn’t know how he could convince you of that. His hands stroked up and down your back as he gathered his thoughts. 

Finally he pulled away and tilted your chin up so he could look in your eyes. “You are beautiful. I love you, all of you. Every inch of your skin is perfect. And you’re right, that doesn’t indicate anything about your worth as a person, but you aren’t stupid for wanting to feel beautiful. Can I try and show you how beautiful you are to me?” 

You swallowed thickly but nodded. He smiled slightly and pulled you in for a kiss, which was wet with your tears. When he pulled away he started whispering. “I love your lips. The way they fit against mine is like they were made for me.” He pressed another kiss to your lips before moving down to your neck. 

He pressed a kiss there. “And your neck, it never fails to make you sigh when I touch it. That sound is so perfect to me.” When he kissed a bit harsher, sucking on your skin a little, you couldn’t help the sigh that escaped you. “See? Like that.” 

A kiss to your shoulder, a trail of them down your arm. A soft kiss on each of your fingertips. “Your arms, and your hands. Perfect for weilding your gun, or bringing down unsubs, or holding me when I need it. So strong.” He squeezed your bicep muscle lightly and you chuckled, the first hint of a smile on your cheeks all night. 

His fingers found the edges of your shirt, asking a silent question to which you nodded slowly. He pulled the shirt off of you gently, revealing your bare chest and stomach. Immediately you went to cover your stomach with your arms, but he grabbed your wrists before you could, pressing a kiss to the pulse point on both of your wrists. 

His attention dropped to your breasts, hands coming up to grope them, but it didn’t feel sexual. It felt loving. He pressed kisses all over them. “It’s no secret how much I love these. They always feel perfect in my hands. Not to mention, someday they’ll provide nutrients and life to our baby. How amazing is that?” He spoke with something like awe in his voice, and you felt yourself begin to get happier at the mention of kids with him. 

Lips trailing down between your breasts, he let his knees fall to the ground so he had a better angle to kiss your stomach. You took deep breaths, trying not to be so anxious about him being near one of your main insecurities. He saw your spirits falling again, and blew air into your bellybutton to get you to giggle. His hands ran all over your stomach and hips. “This is one of my favorite parts of you. So soft, so lovely. It’s perfect for my resting my head on. Sometimes I wish I could spend forever cuddled into you like that.” He pressed a kiss right above the hemline of your shorts. “And someday our baby will grow in there. Your body can create life. I’m constantly in awe of that. Of you.” 

He continued down your body, kissing your hips over your shorts and finally reaching your thighs. His hands gripped the back of them, running over the soft skin there. He sucked a bruise into your thigh and you tried not to reveal how affected you were. “Your thighs are so incredible. I love the way they look in slacks, or those rare occasions you wear skirts. I really really love the way they squeeze around my head when you get overwhelmed. I think if I had to choose a way to go, I’d want to be crushed between them.” You giggled at that, and he looked up at you with a bright grin. 

Tears were still streaming down your face, but this time it was from happiness. You knew this wasn’t going to eliminate your insecurities, but if Spencer could see you like this, you thought you could try to as well. He stood up off of his knees, holding your cheeks in his palms as he wiped your tears away. “I love you. So much. I can keep going, if you’d like. I have a lot to say about your ass.” You giggled again, lips pursing together as you tried not to sob again. 

“I love you, too. Thank you so much.” Your hands came up and pulled him in by his neck, kissing him passionately. His hands drifted down your body, reaching your ass and squeezing, pulling your closer to him. You pulled back a little to give him a look. 

“What? I just said I have a lot to say about it.” He defended his groping. You rolled your eyes playfully and pulled him in again. He stopped just short of your lips, eyes tracing over your face and biting down on his bottom lip. “You’re the most beautiful person in the world.” He whispered. You smiled at him and let a hand cup his cheek.

“On who’s authority?” You asked, shaking your head with a small smile. 

“Mine. And I happen to be a genius.” He chuckled, before pressing your lips together again. 

[darkcircles4lyfe]

retrospective & predictions

Since we're on a hiatus week (between 320 and 321) I feel like waxing poetic about the depth and growth of bkdk for a bit. Especially because it seems like we’re right on the edge of their biggest development yet, I’m getting the urge to lay all my perspectives and insights I’ve picked up from others out on the table. This is ultimately only my subjective interpretation of subtextual material in canon, though. If you’ve never quite understood what people see in their dynamic and you’re actually open to hearing me out, maybe from this you can at least see where we’re coming from. And if you don’t like my takes after all, well, we’ll see who’s right in the coming chapters, won’t we? What I have to say can be taken platonically or romantically; I appreciate both. 

putting it under the cut, since it’ll be long:

At the risk of projecting, I want to start by examining a couple things based partly on personal experience.

From many different directions, I often hear people expressing that Deku’s persistent attachment and admiration for Bakugou is baffling at best. Despite the bullying, despite Bakugou’s loud, rude, and uncompromising personality, he still puts effort into their relationship and frequently describes him as amazing. It seems like Deku himself is aware of this as he’s said things along the lines of how he’s difficult, BUT... etc. Although I don’t think it’s exactly that Deku finds Bakugou’s personality hard to be around, but that he’s deliberately expressing patience for Bakugou’s emotional turmoil. 

I have to say I know what this sort of patience is like, as I went through it with someone I love. I only chose to put up with their behavior because I decided the possibility of what our relationship could be was worth it. I wasn’t blind or submissive to how they treated me, and I wasn’t coerced. I simply expressed myself and established my boundaries while still allowing them the opportunity to join me in my world once they got over their own hangups. And guess what? It worked out in the end. That doesn’t mean there aren’t circumstances where it’s better to cut ties, but I want to stress that true reconciliation is possible sometimes. I used to worry that other people around me thought I was delusional for seeking it, but what really helped was my therapist reminding me that I’m smart and strong. So I think Deku deserves to feel the same. In a way this is his whole mission in life, his approach to being a hero as well as his personal relationships.

Let me also be clear though that I don’t mean Deku is only tolerating Bakugou’s personality, his mannerisms, the parts of him that will likely never change. I’m drawing a line between those things and his emotional state (they so rarely align anyway, but I’ll get to that later). In fact, I think Bakugou’s general attitude is part of what Deku admires. This is gonna be hard to explain without inserting personal experience too, sorry. As a writer myself I’ve noticed I’m drawn to writing characters that are brazen and bold and don't mind telling people off. Really it’s because I operate in the world in the polar opposite way. I try not to draw attention to myself, I’m quiet, and I’m a people-pleaser. People who project confidence, especially in an impolite sort of way, fascinate me. It’s good to take cultural context into account, too: I've heard people who’d know better than me that part of the reason Bakugou is the most popular character in the Japanese fandom is likely because he contradicts a lot of their social norms. His disregard is refreshing and cathartic. I can speculate that Deku has a similar point of view based on what he thinks but does not admit about Bakugou being his image of victory and how this sometimes makes him mimic Bakugou’s speech and mannerisms: 

There’s also the bit in this fight where Deku realizes he's the only one able to receive Bakugou’s emotions. This is because he’s the most intimately familiar with him and his situation, but I think there’s another layer. Deku, as we know, has a self-sacrificing tendency, and in the current chapters we’re seeing the worst side of that. But let’s also not forget that to an extent, it can be a positive trait: resilience. When it comes to Bakugou, he has an almost comical ability to dodge the potential fallout of his outbursts. The example we all jump to (and fight about..) is how in ch1, apart from the initial shock of Bakugou suggesting he jump off the roof, the most he reacts is to criticize him for saying such a ridiculous thing. However, I think their interaction post- sludge villain is a lot more interesting:

Note two things: 1, in his head, Deku is practically making fun of how Bakugou’s acting as he stomps away without waiting for a reply. It doesn’t faze him. 2, Deku thinks, optimistically, that he can now focus on a different career choice. This is astonishing really. Up to this point, none of Bakugou’s attempts to put him down have worked; he just kept pursuing his dream. The only reason Deku concedes in this moment it because for the first time, he has been shown that he really couldn't do anything in a fight against a villain. All Might told him he couldn't be a hero (although he’s literally about to take that back in the next few pages lol) and the other heroes at the scene gave him a lecture about it too. It was those experiences, and not Bakugou’s words, that truly affected him. And when All Might tells Deku he can be a hero after all, it’s not thinking of Bakugou’s bullying that makes him sob and fall to his knees, it’s the memory of his own mom never telling him those words he so desperately needed to hear. Having spent most of their lives together, Deku must have been aware all this time that Baukgou was influenced by larger societal forces rather than a core judgement, so he didn’t take it personally. He separated the person from the action, and because he’s resilient and patient, he is thus equipped to handle Bakugou’s emotions. It’s a testament to his maturity and emotional intelligence, really. 

But I can almost hear some of you saying, “that doesn’t mean Deku should have to be the bigger person here!” Correct! Just because Deku is perfectly alright bearing all of that, doesn’t mean atonement-era Bakugou sees it this way. We can track his awareness of Deku’s care and selflessness as follows-

The bridge scene, when they’re little kids: Bakugou conflates Deku’s heroism with pity, and subsequently thinks Deku is looking down on him because Bakugou’s own insecurity makes him defensive.

The Sludge Villain, and also Deku vs. Kacchan Part 1: Bakugou witnesses first-hand how easily Deku jumps to risk his own life, but still thinks he’s being looked down on. 

The Sports Festival: Bakugou fights Uraraka and recognizes her endurance strategy and refusal to give up as very Deku-like. He’s half right. He thinks Deku advised her in the fight, when in reality she just mimicked Deku because she admired him. I want to draw attention to his very sober comment about her not being frail. It’s a great endearment of Uraraka’s character and Bakugou’s respect for her when others didn’t take “fighting a girl” seriously, but it also reflects on his opinion of Deku. Deku isn’t weak either. He never was.

Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2: Deku finally corrects him about the whole looking-down-on-him thing, and Bakugou is informed that Deku’s selflessness is in fact the reason All Might chose him. Since Bakugou had been in search of what he himself was “doing wrong” for All Might to favor Deku over him, he now has to reconcile the fact that selflessness is a heroic trait, and moreover something he lacks. This is also possibly the first time Bakugou is able to see his past actions toward Deku as bullying since he previously thought it was more mutual. Additionally, Bakugou can now link Deku’s selfless behavior to what he perceived as pity/contempt, and realize that Deku has been giving him A LOT of grace. Maybe too much. Maybe more than Bakugou deserves, and definitely more than Deku should have to. Holy heck- now Bakugou has to figure out how to live up to all the faith that’s been placed in him. 

Subtextually, we can see Bakugou’s feelings about atonement reflected in the Todoroki family:

1, Shouto is another example of Deku growing a friendship using his selflessness (since their fight in the sports festival) and their relationship is being acknowledged here where it hasn’t been in Bakugou’s situation. Perhaps Bakugou is wishing it could be so simple for him, to be able to thank him for being his friend like that. Deku saying the pleasure is all his also probably calls to mind how a mere apology from Bakugou would probably be dismissed because that’s just the kind of accommodating person Deku is. Bakugou has to operate more quietly in order to actually make up for their past. I personally don’t interpret this scene as Bakugou being jealous of Deku and Shouto’s friendship, exactly, just the lack of emotional baggage. Side note, Deku and Fuyumi are kinda similar in their desire to repair relationships. I like that she’s the one to give him some credit. 

2, With the common terminology, this can be interpreted as Bakugou receiving a model for atonement, one that is about action, and nothing to do with receiving favor or forgiveness. It’s a sense of duty. 

Many of the above sentiments are repeated in the flashback conversation between All Might and Bakugou right before Bakugou’s sacrifice. 

Bakugou acknowledges his bullying and that it happened because of his own insecurities, but aside from that, it’s interesting he neither confirms nor denies All Might’s suggestion that he’s trying to atone, or that Deku doesn’t see it that way. All Might is a bit of an unreliable mentor sometimes, but I don’t think he’s misreading here. Rather, Bakugou is displaying his tendency to hold back when talking about things that would make him really emotional. Besides, admitting to what he’s doing kind of defeats the purpose. He isn’t seeking acknowledgement. All Might has gotten to the crux of the issue here when pointing out that Deku doesn’t recognize the atonement, likely because Deku doesn't think Bakugou even needs to atone. Am I reading into it too much to say Bakugou looks wistful at this? It’s kinda frustrating sometimes trying to interpret Bakugou’s actions because he’s so paradoxical. Loud and in your face, but also extremely reserved. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping at thin air, but hey, being hard to figure out is part of his intrigue as a character. The simplest way to look at him is to assume that unless he’s really showing vulnerability, he’s probably deflecting and hiding something.

Speaking of Bakugou’s tendency to to hold back emotional stuff, there’s his apparent lack of issue with Deku calling him Kacchan. Maybe to begin with, in his warped perception of things where he thought they hated each other, Bakugou saw it as Deku’s way of getting back at him for calling him “useless,” and didn't dare give any indication that it actually bothered him. However... consider how betrayed Bakugou has appeared when he was noticeably thinking Deku was looking down on him- the bridge scene, and the beginning of their first year at UA when he thought Deku was hiding a quirk all along. He looks shocked and hurt. That kind of emotion couldn’t be invoked by someone Bakugou didn’t actually care about his relationship with. “Kacchan” comes from a long time ago, before their relationship was strained, so it’s connotations are pure. Maybe somewhere deep down, Bakugou has always been hoping that Deku’s continued use of the nickname was not simply a matter of habit or teasing, but a vestige of friendship they’re both clinging to, and Bakugou himself was too afraid to admit to himself that he felt this way about it, so he mostly ignored it. (These are not original thoughts I am having here lol, this is a common interpretation. I’m just laying everything out like I said.) 

And now we turn to the current situation. Personally, I’ve been looking frantically back and forth between them wondering who’s going to break down first (Deku vs. Kacchan Part 3, this time it’s just a fight to get the other person to cry? ha.) Both have looked like they’re approaching a breaking point for some time. Also, I’ve addressed this before, but I think it’s significant that Bakugou is no longer wearing his mask with his hero costume, in contrast to Deku recently donning his own. It feels symbolic of Bakugou about to be upfront about how he feels.

The question is, what is it going to take to get Deku to accept help? If you ask me, Deku has dug himself so deeply into the I’m-doing-this-for-everyone-else’s-safety-and-smiles hole, no common sense argument can possibly reach him. By the end of 320, Deku’s mask is off, and we can see how desperate he truly is. But he has not cried, yet. I predict we’re going to see a bit more of his defiance, this time on full display on his face as the remaining class members and his other friends take their turns. But then I think Bakugou has to be the one to break down so Deku can witness his actions having the opposite effect he intended. People have been pointing out that Deku is currently ignoring Bakugou, and oof, that’s gotta be intentional. Regardless of what Bakugou says, it’s going to be wrapped up not only in his understanding of Deku’s self-sacrifice, but also the betrayal Bakugou feels at being ignored/left behind that ironically echoes his previous perception of being looked down on, as well as a need to express how much he cares about Deku before it’s too late. He must show that the two of them are inseparable because they both act to save each other without thinking, and both feel like losing the other would be like dying themselves. All Might may have been right when he told them they could learn from each other after Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2, but he didn’t fully realize that idea by making sure they stuck by each other for support and balance. 

I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when they do finally get to that point, totally in synch and in tune with each other. They’ll be a powerful force no one is quite prepared for. Who knows when that will be, or even which chapter will be their big showdown, but I know the day is coming.

To speculate even further, I think the 2nd user is going to be really important really soon. And no I don’t mean to suggest that the 2nd user is Bakugou. But I do think their resemblance is key. Okay this is gonna be convoluted...

See how 2nd is the only one still standing? I think that’s symbolic of him withholding his quirk. Deku may not even know what it is at this point, let alone have unlocked it. Given that 2nd approves of Deku’s strategy at this point, it seems odd for him to withhold his quirk based on lack of faith. I think if his quirk was something that would help Deku in combat, he would have shown it to him already like the others did. So what if those gauntlets of his are support items that are meant to make up for his lack of a combat-oriented quirk, rather than to augment it? Mind you, I still have no idea what his mysterious power might be, but I’m dead set on it not being explosion-y. Regardless, I think 2nd looking like Bakugou is more about aiding some grand visual parallel, so! You know how 2nd and 3rd were probably intending to do away with Yoichi but 2nd changed his mind as soon as they made eye contact? This is really a long shot, but I wonder if 2nd’s quirk has something to do with that exchange. Maybe it’s something psychological, or some 6th sense about people he meets. So... in that way 2nd’s quirk could play a role in bkdk reaching a deeper understanding? Idk! But it could be significant at least that 2nd left Yoichi’s question about why he reached out to him unanswered. 

One more thing- while I was gathering screenshots I found this. I think “you’re the last one I’m telling” might be foreshadowing for Bakugou revealing his hero name to Deku and it being a Big Deal:

As for other lingering threads in the overall plot right now, such as the UA traitor, Stain, whatever Tsuyu is apparently about to do, All Might’s car maybe in the background of the last page of 320... man I have no idea. All I know is there’s literally 320 chapters’ worth of build-up to this confrontation that can’t be interrupted. 

See you next week <3

[lwt28brave]

be warned: long post. really long post. mostly because i wanted to get this out of my system.

i know no one asked but since i saw @/berlinini sharing why she doesn't like h... here's my take. i've been in this fandom for seven, almost eight, years. i was a larrie for most of them and... i didn't like harry for most of them either.

yes, i am stupid. this isn't some "oh, it took me so long to see something was wrong", it's mostly a "it took me so long to realize what exactly was wrong and to admit i needed to move on".

and i feel like it's important to speak about this because new fans are being pulled into larry, shamed if they don't want to stan harry too, told that louis isn't enough by himself, that he and his art are linked to harry styles and that's how it works. you see it in youtube comments of react channels and under louis own videos with people who discover him from projects. they're fighting tooth and nail to keep that connection alive, grasping at straws to make people believe there's (still) something there.

now, don't get me wrong. i've noticed the shift too. i've noticed there's a lot more of solo louies joining the fandom, i've noticed that he's being related to h and 1D less and less and i'm happy and proud. i still feel like a lot of larries need to open their eyes (i know some of them are harries in disguise, but, judging by my interactions, i also feel like there's lots of smaller accounts that are mostly louies stuck in the same mindset i was).

i still remember where i was when i first heard the rumors about harry, columbia and how much they were paying for him (mind you, this was before everything that happened in 2015, and it turned out to be true). i had no intention to watch dunkirk, i didn't care about the movie or the promo unless louis mentioned it on a interview. i found sign of the times boring. i didn't enjoy hs1 at all. i didn't like the content he was releasing and even back then i felt like he was too distant, out of touch with reality, performative...

to be honest, while there were a few larrie blogs i checked i mostly talked about it with a few friends who are part of the fandom too, and sticked to reading fics or getting excited about ""proof"" in a small circle.

and this small circle can tell you i would never bite my tongue with them about harry and how i felt about his decisions, and about louis career and the sabotage that was going on.

but i never tied the two. sometimes i would ask myself if i wasn't being too harsh on harry, if all of it was part of his public image, if it was true he was a victim of the contracts too, someone in the closet with no options, and i tried to look "past it". while i enjoyed fine line more than hs1 some of the songs weren't for me either (and it took me six months to listen to it). and it was uneasy for me to see him getting so much recognition when he didn't seem thankful, or even interested in what he was putting out, too busy trying to achieve new levels of fame. and every new thing i find out about him makes me dislike him even more. there's no authenticity, no self-respect, no gratitude, only greediness. empty stay at home t-shirts and data-mining BLM and looking like he's giving an eulogy after winning a Grammy (and only thanking the people who paid for it).

with quarantine i fell back into the fandom and made new larrie friends, and i found myself not kinda believing the "proof" they were excited about, or like i was just checking in for the tabloid drama of it all, too obsessed to let go. but in my mind it didn't make sense, and it didn't feel right, for louis, the louis that i saw, to be dating harry styles™️. sometimes i told myself it was fine if i didn't really like him because louis loved him and it was his personal decision not mine.

i feel like i've been a good judge of character since the beginning, in my case. i picked louis back in 2015 and i'll never regret that decision. i don't think i could ever stop supporting him. but i was so tangled in the idea, had dedicated so much time and energy to larry and that long-suffering, star-crossed soulmate fantasy we built that i wasn't thinking clearly.

i don't think i was actively hurting louis, personally (i never interacted with anyone about larry in other social media platforms, i purchased, supported, tried to promote and streamed his music and only his). in everything but my reading habits i was practically a solo louie already, but yet i was pushing this idea of a relationship that would be really toxic for him, were it to be true.

right now i'm at a point where i feel like i've finally opened my eyes. if they were together, it's obvious they're not anymore. and it's obvious that harry styles is both a blank canvas for sony and the azoffs and someone who doesn't care about what he has to give up for fame. he stopped caring about louis (or anyone who can't either help his career or push his image of the month) in any shape or form, a long time ago.

he surrounds himself with people that don't respect louis neither as a musician nor as a person, and i don't think he does, either. they're not in the same place (mentally and physically, they seem to be unable to be in the same continent for long periods of time). i think i've always known, i just wasn't ready to let go of this fixation i had dedicated so many years to (mostly, fanfiction), and right now i'm pretty firm on my beliefs.

if anyone wants to come and tell me that louis will never be as famous as harry, or that i'm wrong in how i perceive people... go ahead. i don't care. i don't want that level of fame for louis if it comes at that price, and i don't think he wants that either.

i've been here for the highs and the lows of louis career, and i can say i am proud of how his fanbase is growing organically right now, and how he owns his past instead of renouncing it, but he doesn't allow it to define him either. i see a consistency, a hard-working, warm-hearted person, even in the face of everything that has happened.

i see someone worth my time (and my money, which i'm more protective of 😂). i never saw that in harry, not even during the early days.

[bao3bei4]

girlbosses, male wives, and other lesbian genders

a post about jing wei qing shang. but also mostly about another unrelated movie. spoiler-free.

for a lot of people, mulan 1998 is their definitive “ohhh i’m a chinese woman dressing as a man for contrived reasons and i get absolutely nooo erotic pleasure from this” movie. 

however, because i am very special and unique, for me it’s the love eterne 1963. it’s the shaw brothers adaptation of butterfly lovers, the classic chinese folktale. here’s how i’d summarize the movie: 

zhu yingtai, an aspiring scholar, convinces her parents to let her dress as a man to attend school. on the way there, she meets liang shanbo, another prospective student, and they become sworn brothers. they study together for three years, growing closer, until zhu yingtai returns home. liang shangbo accompanies her for the eighteen-li journey home while she hints she’s a woman, but he remains oblivious. by the time he learns her gender, her parents have engaged her to another man. he dies of grief, and while she mourns at his grave, it splits open, and she buries herself inside with him. two scraps of her torn outfit turn into butterflies and fly away.

it’s worth noting here that like. this movie is made in the huangmei opera style. so both zhu yingtai and liang shanbo are played by women (betty loh ti and ivy ling po respectively). because of this, basically every level of the film is preoccupied with gender: if we take zhu yingtai’s male performance as credible (as the characters in the movie do) the leads bond through male homoeroticism; the text is ultimately about a heterosexual romance; it is acted out by two women, in a performance that is difficult to mistake as heterosexual or even feminine; and the dialogue of the movie can’t help but remark on this.

basically it asks: what if lesbians could be gay both ways? wouldn’t that be based? 

like opera was traditionally made by single gender casts, so roles tended to be genderless, in that the gender of the actor doesn’t determine the gender of the role they play. roles are instead typed into four categories: dan (fem), sheng (masc), chou (clown), and jing (painted face). it’s a sick gender quadinary. each of these roles has further subtypes that are represented through stylized patterns of singing, makeup, costuming, movement etc.

so in butterfly lovers, betty loh ti plays a dan, and ivy ling po plays a sheng. but because of the textual cross-gender play, you end up with a woman playing a woman playing a man who falls in love with a woman playing a man.

i’m going to make a brief digression here into talking about like.. acting theory. in the european tradition, you see it evolving out of early concerns (from stanislavski, brecht) about the fourth wall, and its permeability or lack thereof. in chinese opera tradition, the fourth wall didn’t ever really exist. and mei lanfang, the legendary fanchuan performer, claimed that his success wasn’t just due to his appearance, but rather, his mastery of some nonliteral feminine subjectivity. 

If I kept my male feelings, even just a trace, it will betray my true self; then how can I compete for the audience’s affection for feminine beauty and guile?

i’m not going to argue that there’s like, an essence to being a woman because i’m not a fucking idiot. but there’s something to be said for the idea that the gendered interplay between the audience’s perception of the actor, the actor’s perception of themself, and the character they play is a massive part of the appeal of fanchuan performance.

this is echoed by david hwang’s m. butterfly, in which gallimard memorably says, “i’m a man who loved a woman created by a man. everything else—simply falls short.” btw sorry for having the type of brain disease where i constantly reference chinese crossdressing related media. you already know why i have it. 

anyway. parallel to that (but far less morally detestably), jin jiang argues “young male impersonators in yue opera embody women’s ideal men—elegant, graceful, capable, caring, gentle, and loyal.” so, trivially, 1) the eroticism embodied by fanchuan performers is distinctly different from their “straight” counterparts, and perhaps less trivially 2) it’s way better. 

back to the love eterne for a bit. one of the many reasons it’s lodged itself into my psyche is because there’s something more interesting at play than just all that. normally in opera, to compensate for any perceived residual femininity in the sheng, the dan camps it up even further. so this is how zhu yingtai first appears, this bratty femme pastiche of womanhood. yet within a couple minutes she’s dressed as a man, which she’ll stay as for the bulk of the movie. they do however make compromises with the makeup--more gently lifted eyebrows than the steep angles of the sheng opera beat, and an improbably masculine smoky eye. 

that’s right. they performed girlbossification on her. 

i don’t want to suggest that she’s straightforwardly feminine. i could write an entire other thing on her relationship to masculinity. instead i want to highlight the erotic interplay not just between the “girl” and the “boss” but also between her and her counterpart: the male wife. 

liang shanbo is ostensibly straightforwardly male, but his relationship with zhu yingtai isn’t gay in the ahaha what if i was into my bro way-- it’s a what if i was into my bro and i was his wife way.

that’s right. they performed force fem on a cis woman-man. like when zhu yingtai tells him he can’t watch over her as she recovers from an illness because “boys and girls can’t sleep together,” liang shanbo asks “are you implying that I’m a girl?”

there’s a lot of shit like this that builds up over the course of the movie. it all culminates in that final 18 mile journey. along the way, zhu yingtai compares them to a pair of mandarin ducks, one male & one female. liang shanbo sputters “i am a man inside out-- you shouldn’t--” before graciously conceding, “you may compare me to a woman.” 

this is like. a simple punchline. but it’s incredible. it’s true! liang shanbo isn’t a man inside out in that he’s a man and only a man, but rather that he’s a man seen inside first, built for desiring, by a woman & for a woman. as a perpetual object, he becomes a more believable woman than zhu yingtai. and at least in his view, it seems more likely that he could be a woman than her. but beyond that, his permissive tone reads as a kind of wanting in itself--recast, if she wants, “for you, i’ll be a woman.” 

obviously this is a classic lesbian mood. who among us has not seen “no gender only lesbian” posts. and speaking of classic lesbians, you might ask. did you just tiresomely reinvent butches and femmes but with a more annoying name? yes. no. okay. well. 

first, like butch/femme dynamics have both historical specificity and a classed character such that it’s not rlly that appropriate to impose them on the love eterne. and i guess more importantly, i wanna talk about stuff that isn’t real.

we fight all day about people who confuse performance with performativity, (i use we lightly here. for instance, i go outside every day so i don’t care about discourse) but what if we actually wanted to talk about the former for once? something specifically, whether we choose or are forced into it, that we pretend to be? 

anyway. what the hell does all that have to do with jing wei qing shang. i’m going to start by first making the argument that there’s no such thing as a naturally occurring girlboss. i think, honestly, she’s a product of capitalism (“boss” should be the tipoff here) but because both of these stories are set in ambiguously historical china, i’m going to say, instead that she’s a product of uhhh primitive accumulation.

semantics so that i can be canon compliant with marxism aside, if girlbosses are made not born, can you choose to be a girlboss? sheryl sandberg says yes. i don’t disagree, i guess, but i will say: stop glamorizing it! humans only become girlbosses when they’re greatly distressed. 

you become a girlboss when you have no other choice not to be one. when your wants are too great to be a woman, when the things you want are not things that women should want-- whether that’s something that really no one should want, like being a ceo, or whether that’s just something like loving a woman (or, as it is quite often, both) -- you have to become something else. 

another important part of being a girlboss is that other people are not. your excesses mean that not only do you lose something in the process, but your bosshood comes at the expense of others. the girlboss necessitates a girlworker, or so to speak. 

now we’re getting to jwqs. i’m assuming that you haven’t read jwqs, because most people haven’t. that was me until like four days ago. in broad strokes, the novel is about a woman, qiyan agula, who was raised as a prince, and her quest for revenge against the kingdom who slaughtered her people. of course, this involves marrying one of the princesses of that kingdom. it’s all very exciting (lesbian). 

what’s striking about jwqs is that both of them seem to fit the girlboss paradigm, in vaguely similar ways. qi yan (agula’s assumed name) seems to follow the lineage of zhu yingtai, who pretends to be a man to achieve her goals. she’s forced to give up much in the process, and also sacrifices a, uh, lot of innocent people. similarly, nangong jingnu, the princess, is inherently a girlboss because royalty sucks. but also, qi yan girlbossifies her over the course of their relationship. 

but i wouldn’t say jwqs is girlboss4girlboss. there’s something a little more complicated happening. qi yan isn’t zhu yingtai in that she’s a dan pretending to be a sheng. it seems more like that she was a sheng all along. it’s something that the women of the novel return to often: qi yan seems to be better than a man.

for instance, nangong sunu, jingnu’s older sister, reflects on this. 

Nangong Sunu had seen many foolishly loving women who sacrificed everything for the sake of their husbands, but there were rarely any men who would do the same for them. 

(...) 

Thinking it through, Nangong Sunu felt that Qi Yan was truly becoming more interesting. She intended to observe discreetly for a while, to verify if such a man truly existed in this world. (ch 221) 

and i forgot to write down the citation for this, but nangong jingnu also seems to argue that not only is qi yan prettier than a man, but she also seems to be prettier than a woman. (it’s the bit where she’s watching qi yan sleep. help me out here.)

moreover, the way qi yan relates to nangong jingnu is suggestive. jingnu brings out the elements of wanting to be a woman in her. it’s jingnu’s body that makes her wonder what she would look like if she was more feminine. it’s jingnu’s happiness that she resents, wishing that her people could have that as well. it’s her desire for jingnu that makes her a woman. 

(another important distinction i suppose--while one person can’t be both a butch and a femme, because the girlboss and the male wife are things we pretend to be until we embody them / them us -- there’s greater slippage between the two.)

anyway, the girlboss/male wife dynamic is reversed wrt who’s actually dressing as a different gender. that suggests an inversion in the implications we see from the love eterne, if we are to take the love eterne as the paradigmatic girlboss text. which i do, for no reason in particular. 

so then, is qi yan pretending to be a man? under the opera framework, we’re forced to say no. she’s not pretending to be a man any more so than liang shanbo (as acted by ivy ling po) was. but that, of course, feels incorrect, just looking at the text. is she, then, pretending to be a sheng? i’d strongly say no. the things that others see in her, they authentically see; and she does authentically feel the same things as liang shanbo wrt femininity.

so it has to be the opera framework that jwqs is subverting then. if qi yan kept some trace of her once-womanhood, if qi yan reveals her true self, and yet she still can compete for the audience’s affection-- jwqs’s inversion of the opera framework seems to argue instead that it’s that true self that allows you to compete. it’s being masc that lets you be a desirable woman; it’s being feminine that lets you be a desirable man.

there’s an increased gender ambivalence to jwqs, which make sense, i guess, seeing as it’s not meant to be a het story the way that the love eterne was. for instance, nangong jingnu crossdresses to go out in public, and qi yan remarks that jingnu’s disguise fooled her on their first meeting. when qi yan and jingnu go out in public, both disguised as men, they’re repeatedly perceived as a gay male couple. there’s freedom in that: they could be gay women only privately, they could be straight officially, but they could be anonymously gay publicly. 

so it’s through the gay male pretense that they can be gay women; it’s through the qi yan pretense that agula can love women; it’s the qi yan caring husband persona that coaxes jingnu in caring for qi yan in return-- jwqs, more precisely, argues that you can’t be a woman if you’re going to love them, and even less so if you’re going to be loved by one. 

this is perhaps well-trodden ground for anyone who has read wittig & certainly many people who haven’t. but it’s the layer of pretense that for me complicates these two narratives. 

i think it’s a relatable feeling: wanting something anticipating getting something, or wanting something for yourself anticipating knowing that you already had it. that is, desire in itself being constitutive of that reality. 

or less abstractly, knowing that you’d want to be a lesbian if you could, knowing that you’d want not to be a woman if you could-- anticipating any realization of either. 

the dramatic excesses & wants of the girlboss, i think, are a decent literary stand in for being a lesbian. 

i wanna note here that this is rlly just based on my experience being a transmisogyny exempt nonbinary diaspora lesbian lol. it’s fun & cathartic to overread this history & place myself in the accidental implications.

i don’t think most of the things i say are literally true. and i don’t want to overstep & say any of this can be generalized. please lmk if something here doesn’t read right! ok kisses bye