#a lot bc of my own issues with health but I cant help it I’m worried she might have an infection and that it could lead to something

[weirdlittlefish]

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞𓆝 𓆟 𓆞

[aroace-poly-show]

also a thing for you if you ever want to ramble about hw- what's emu's story for this? how did she get into illustration, and how did she meet the troupe?

RAUGH I ALWAYS WANT TO RAMBLE AND IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS TY FOR ASKING!!!! also took a while this time my bad man. the route my bus takes has very very shit internet so i couldn’t continue my draft during my ride 💔

anywayyy. good lord this is fucking long. im sorry.

for emu, i’m still figuring stuff out with her, but i’ve been thinking about her a lot more recently, and so far what i’ve got is that she has a little bundle of issues including grief over her grandpa, toxic positivity and not letting herself feel negative emotions properly, some internalized hatred of herself and how childish she is following an argument w shosuke, and generally feeling kinda lost, like the rest of hw, after wonder stage closed bc she doesn’t know what to do w/o shows. yknow.

so like. she still has her whole thing w/ her grandpa. and she while she wasn’t doing the *best* she wasn’t doing that bad in the mental health department. still wasn’t letting herself like. grieve properly. but she wasn’t the worst. she performed a lot on wonder stage and knew that the stage was in danger of being closed down, so she tried really hard to keep it from happening. but the actors for wonder stage began to leave as time went on and the ones who stayed didn’t really get why she was so persistent in keeping this stage open when the others in the park were better and shit. and she didn’t have much help. so unfortunately despite her best efforts wonder stage was kinda doomed for closure. butttt she’s not giving up yet. so she tries to convince her brothers to not close it, or at least to just give her some more time. which Does Not Go Well. shosuke gets real frustrated with her and starts yelling and shit. and while keisuke shuts him down once he gets too heated. well. it’s kinda too late. with what he said about her being childish and demanding that she just grow up already and stuff like that, my girl takes that to heart. and then with the official closure of wonder stage…yeah…she’s not doing the best…

emu’s grief here is made worse w/ the wonder stage closure. cause like. that was her and her grandpa’s favorite stage. girl feels like she failed him. she loved that stage. she loved doing shows there. it was something she had to remind her of her grandpa. and now it’s closed. :(

since then she’s been. different. like it’s just barely noticeable to a lot of people but she’s definitely changed. she smiles and acts cheery and seems like her usual self but like. her smile isn’t quite the same. she’s not quite as talkative. she avoids her brothers a lot more. and her brothers have noticed btw and they both feel AWFUL. especially shosuke. they done fucked up and they know it.

also like technically she could keep doing shows, after all theres the other stages in pheonix wonderland, and she has experience in doing shows + is related to the people who literally own the place so it wouldn’t be hard for her to join one of those stages. but she doesn’t bc after all that, she thinks her goal of just wanting to bring smiles to people is childish. shows make her so so happy but she thinks it’s immature and naive of her to still want to pursue that, especially considering she failed last time. it’s a silly and childish path to pursue, and she needs to pull her head out of the clouds and grow up already, like her brother says. so despite loving shows with all her heart, she gives up on doing them. but since shows are so important to her, she doesn’t rlly know what to do without them, so that’s where that feeling lost stuff comes in. yknow.

for her art, i just think she enjoyed art in general, and with her grief and the wonder stage closure it helped her cope. i have a very specific idea in my head of her style. but i cant remember the artist here on tumblr that i think she does art like. if i can remember their name i will though. i might actually do a post dedicated to what i think her art style is like….

not set in stone just yet, but what i’m thinking for the original meet up is that she meets nene first. nene does music and emu finds it, and it gives her some inspiration for some art. she posts it and credits nene’s music as what inspired her, and nene is so fucking honored. through some light encouragement from rui nene gets the courage to dm emu to tell her thank you, and they start chatting!! they get along pretty well and emu starts making art for nene’s music. eventually rui has the idea to start animating them, so they can make music videos for the songs, and boom hw gets its beginnings online.

this happens before wonder stage closure btw. when it does close, emu disappears from their group chat for a bit. she comes back like nothing happens and while she doesn’t tell them what happened, they both notice she doesn’t talk about what shows shes doing anymore, or shows in general. nene and rui are both very sad at this btw. seeing emu have so much love for shows and be able to talk about them like she did was really nice, so to see her stop with that and seemingly not enjoying shows anymore after something happened, just like they did, it sucks. :(

anyway i think my timeline is like. during nene’s last year of middle school when she transfers to home schooling, she starts doing music -> everything i just mentioned here happens -> eventually they meet tsukasa, and he joins the group -> hollow ☆ wonderland does its thing as a group for a while -> main story shit happens. yeah. 👍

uhhhh. dear god i’m so bad at explaining my thoughst. augh. i hope this made some amount of sense. and that i wasn’t too repetitive lsajdkhfgyfdhsj. anyway miscellaneous emu thingies now.

like i mentioned, wonder stage hasn’t been replaced yet, it’s just closed down and sectioned off. so emu still visits it all the time. there is nothing being done to maintain it. so it is absolutely unsafe. but does emu care. no. girlie wants to disappear and while she’s not *planning* on dying, if she had to die anywhere she wouldn’t mind if it was at wonder stage. she draws there a lot.

a lot of her drawings are traditional!! with lots of bright colors and crayons and colored pencils. she has lots of fun drawing.

this applies to non-au emu as well but she has gifted stickers to all her friends. nene’s synthesizer is covered in them.

wonder stage was closed off at sunset. btw. just to give her another reason to hate sunsets.

[quenthel]

oughughug ed stuff (also some tmi stuff)

i have been recovering from my ED pretty well... learning how to enjoy meals and not overeat all the time im even a little bit distressed/ reward myself with other stuff than food so my relationship to meals have changed... i also got much more into cooking than i was bc of dunmeshi too and i enjoyed the philosophy of cooking and eating meals from that manga so much legit helped me a ton to think about it more and really internalize it. Like reading that manga really made me reconsider what i think of food and that made it easier for me not to fall back into old bad mindsets as much (but i do sometimes still its a work in progress)

And like I lost a lot of weight bc of this (i just eat a little less move a little more and give more time and thought to my meals) like its been still a struggle for me esp in the beginning and by this point im losing weight very slowly like it took me 8 months to lose 10kg while the first 8 i lost in like 2 months. And while this food journey was overall good for my mental my body got much much weaker psychically esp my endurance because its a large change. Im not sad about it because being overweight (and still being overweight lol) was making me miserable (and the societal hatred for fat people was part of that ofc, but also mostly it was caused by some beliefs i have about my own self worth its a big issue) but I feel like no weight loss post or story or anything talks about this. I also started to exercise and so far some of it has been harder but some of it has been easier. And i still need to work a lot on appreciating my own body and truly inhabiting it in a sense like being at peace with it and not fighting it and connect to my own body as its part of myself and not just something im in. Like its part of me. Funnily enough the times i really felt that connection were the times I was spending a lot of time together with other people like irl (when i had a huge friend group and we drank a lot together or when i was w my ex lol).

Like at this point i weigh less than i ever remember weighing (even in my teens lol) and i still have a long way to go. But i would not have done it without being supported by my friends and parents like i dont think anybody can come out of toxic mindsets without opening those doors and asking for help or knowing that they HAVE to do it for other people (like my dad recovering from alcoholism because he was scared he will die before seeing my brother and me grow up). Also its funny that around the time i started really thinking abt my own body and my health and really asking for help (in therapy too) to make me truly healthy, not working on it in isolation like i did after beating disco elysium was around the time i started thinking abt being trans too. Like realizing that my body is me made me think more about my own gender too. I’m also thinking a lot abt starting HRT but that would be impossible for me bc of my country (idk if i can even do that abroad but maybe...) but I don’t want to yet since I want to establish my body mind connection first and THEN see if i still feel like I should.

Anyway im around halfway done with my weightloss plans and its been 9 months. I originally wanted to recover fully and reach that weight and develop habits to exercise regularly in 2 years but since im moving soon i might not be able to focus on this as much or maybe its going to get easier... who knows. I still feel like I’m a work in progress tho both bc of therapy and bc of this but also because i really feel like im JUST starting to become more of an adult because im thinking about these things (and its making me more sad that i cant be financially independent yet but im trying to be patient). But it feels like im currently at a point of my life when im changing for the better overall and while I struggle a lot its not as bad as it was before so thats pretty hopeful...

[princeanxious]

An idea I’m drawing stuff for:

Okay so g/t sanders sides au idea but where the tiny people are actually mini android/cyborgs made to accompany people /if they want to/ as companions to humans that can connect to technology and the internet. (Medium-big sized ramble under-cut)

They arent nessesarily helpers, but they can help humans w/ technology issues if they want(and there are lots of human laws in place that prohibit forced labor and captivity from this new sentient race, but as you might guess, just bc there are laws doesnt mean everyone follows them or gets caught breaking them) the rest of the world is kinda up for development but i can tell you these tiny android people sometimes come with additional features such as tails w/ audio jacks/place where the tail would go to insert an audiojack, eyes and fingers that glow, ear type varients depending on what time they were born/created, have as many bendable joints as a human, but their legs and feet are naturally a bit thicker/wider both for balance and more room for technology in their tiny bodies.

Theyre a very intermingled mix of liveform and android(and are probably best explained as just. Straight up aliens to planet earth), to the point that theres no actual way to seperate tech from bio-matter. And theyre so tiny that trying to seperate the two on such a small scale is still scientifically impossible at this current time. Damage and wear/tear to their body can heal quickly with enough energy, rest, and time, but losing body parts can be nearly detrimental to their health if said parts cant be reattached quickly. They are not strong enough to regenerate a full limb.

It’s not an immediate death if they lose a limb, but its very much an emergency due to how spread out their bodily function sensors are in their tiny bodies. Losing a certain leg can mean losing complete mobility of both legs and balance, or losing certain patches of memory, losing a certain arm can mean losing the ability to balnce well, or go nearly sensory blind(meaning they can see things, but no longer feel them that well.) the tail is the only bodypart that is not immediately detrimental to their health, just their lifestyle. Their tail is their only way to directly connect to the online world without assistance. Without it, they rely on adapter prostetics that wear out over time and need to be replaced on occassion.

That being said, in this au, Roman, Remus, and Janus are tinies in this world. Roman and Remus are twins, and both suffered an injustice of experimentation that involved one of their legs each being removed, and being reattached(successfully) to the other’s body, as a test to see how similar twin tiny’s bodies are and if the similarities assist any in surrogate limbs attaching successfully. Theyre rescued and rehabilitated amd rehomed together before anything more was done to them, but they live life knowing they have eachothers leg and function as if said legs are really their own, and it connects them in a very odd way that they cant really explain.(it comes w/ a bonus of being able to send messages to one another, but a con of being able to see a portion of the other’s memories, be it mental, or physical muscle memory)

They live with a group of humans, Logan, Patton, and Virgil, who are aware of their situation and have welcomed them into their home to live normal tiny lives. Patton and Virgil are brothers, and Logan is their childhood bestfriend. Remus tends to travel w/ Logan the most bc Logan isnt bothered by Remus’s constant hyperfixations on dark and grusome things.(they hold alot of convos abt dark literature and anatomy, and astronomy. Remus finds Logan’s voice soothing on his semi-irratic stream of thoughts, and talking abt astonomy helps sooth Remus to sleep the fastest.) Roman clings to Virgil mostly but passes inbetween Virgil and Patton pretty frequently depending on whose at work. (Virgil and Roman bicker about everything under the sun, but it’s still healthy for them. Virgil keeps Roman’s ego in check and Roman helps Virgil gain more confidence in things, especially things in public.)

Janus is.. well, he was born.. defective, in a way. No ones really sure exactly what happened, if there were dificulties in his development, or if his existance was fused semi-incorrectly with another while in the preverbial womb, but he is born with his body being partially down the middle on one side with another set of tiny genetics, leaving 1/4th of his body from one side of the head to just below the same side’s ribs to be a different skin & metal plating color. One eye glows gold, the other a bright milky white, the same going for either hand w/ his finger-tips on the same sides. Pure snow white skin, plating, and hair is unnatural, and its theorized to be a permanent glitch in his physical coding seeing as the ‘other tiny’ that had yet to combine correctly would not have developed any physical traits until birth to mimick a combination of it’s parents, it’s physical attribute coding would remain dormant and thus not addapt with the rest of the body.

This leaves Janus visually different, and physically different. He has his own two legs and tail so that part of his body functions normally, but the arm that is inter-functionally dormant leaves him with terrible balance issues(thus leaving him to require a cane) and his on the same side that is similarly dormant leaves him functionally blind in said eye and deaf on said side.

He’s developed an extremely defensive personality because he refuses to be pitied for something he was never in control of. He’s plenty independent without help and beyond grouchy. Has been known to bite humans who try to help him but wont listen to him, hard. He’s never been allowed to live a normal tiny’s life because the parents he was born to gave him to humans to ensure he lived, then got retroactively babied since. His foul temper has lead to a difficulty in the homing process, and the humans are almost about to give up on him when Virgil walks in one day, curious about homing a third tiny to help stabalize the twins antics and frustrations born from there only being the two of them.

Janus is just as foul at first as he is to everyone who approaches him, because he fully expects pity. Instead of Virgil moving on in rejection/dismissal of the rude behavior, Virgil just chuckles in amusement. “Oh boy, you’re fiesty huh?” “Have to be, lest people think they can do and think whatever they want about me. Better to give them my worst so they don’t get any god-complex over my disability, right?” And Virgil relates, and isnt hesitant abt mentioning his own struggles w/ how rudely people treat him w/ his general anxiety disorder and chronic depression.

Virgil manages to convince Janus take a chance and come home w/ him. And then Janus meets Patton, and things go so much better than anyone expected them to go. I mean, they get worse before they get better, but the getting better is so much further than any resulted backtracking. Janus likes Patton, and is uber protective of him. No one knew Patton to bicker much, but oh boy, does he bicker with Janus, often abt taking care of one another. Its all out of love and care, and its honestly jarringly sweet. (Patton gets Janus hooked on chocolate chips, and may or may not bribe him with a bottle-lip full from time to time if it means making Janus relax.)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: neglect, depression // seeking advice

I went through really bad neglect as a kid and bc of that, my teeth are horrible. my parents never took me to see a dentist as a kid, except once when my grandparents took me (I was very young). I’m almost 20 now and super embarrassed of my smile. my teeth are crooked, some rotted, and just…not what they should be. I don’t have health insurance and I never did, and my parents never cared for me. I went through and am still dealing with depression, and it has caused me to neglect myself more bc I thought I wouldn’t be alive past high school. I didn’t brush my teeth for awhile, which again added to my terrible hygiene, and now I’m utterly lost. I want to see a dentist and fix years of neglect but I’m afraid it’s too late (and I’m embarrassed). all of my teeth are ugly and need to be removed. I think I’ll have to get dental implants but those are very expensive, and I’m scared that the dentist will belittle me or judge me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that my parents and my own selfish depression let my dental hygiene get this bad.

Hey friend,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. Dental hygiene is something lots of folks struggle with, and it's easy to feel like its all people can focus on when they see you. It's even harder when you were never taught to care for yourself.

I don't want to patronize you, but is it the actual brushing and flossing and whatnot that gets you hung up, or is it building the habit to brush?? If it's the actual brushing the teeth and flossing, you can experiment with different brushes and flavored toothpaste. I personally can only use bamboo toothbrushes and kids flavoured toothpaste. If it's building the habit, there's phone apps out there designed to help, I use Brush DJ but there's Pokémon themed ones and more. There's lots of options, and that can be overwhelming, but I believe in you!!

Okay so, the dentist problem. I'm also scared of dentists, I have strange teeth and a weird jaw. When you research your dentist (which!!! definitely do research please) you can search out those who help people struggling with mental health issues, or dentists who specialize in cosmetic dentalcare. Also there are dentists who do payment plans and cheaper services (check out dental schools nearby, they're affordable).

Worst case scenario, the dentist will set up and appointment and check out your teeth, and if its completely unsalvageable, they have recommendations for what to do next. I've only heard of this happening in extremely rare cases, so please don't fret too much, dentists have seen it all.

I'm unsure exactly what your teeth look like, but there's lots of options these days. You can have a root canal, or dental bridges that attach to your healthier teeth, they have dental crowns/caps, and of course there's always extraction. I cant guide you with choices, a dentist is the only one who can, but know that whatever you choose is a good choice.

Please please don't be embarrassed, I know lack of dental hygiene feels super embarrassing but if you wait too long it can effect your health in different ways. I remember going to the dentist after 10 years of not going, I was so scared and my teeth were so bad that he set up my appointment right then and there. You can explain to them you're anxious about it and that you've been letting the care slide, you can ask them for help, most genuinely wish to help folks!!

Above all, I want you to know there's nothing morally wrong with having strange teeth. There's nothing wrong with struggling with dental hygiene. There's nothing wrong with being scared of dentists. You're being very brave by asking for help, and I hope you find a compassionate dentist who is able to help you.

Please feel free to reach out again anytime, I hope this answers your questions and reassured you.

Mod Soul

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[vanityloves]

Storm and ivy + medic

@septemberlove i have. no excuse for how late these are but uh. thank you for sending these in 💕.

[word count: 1.8k+ with the longest 'authors note' bc im mentally ill]

sfw, mmm comfy cozy, general sick hcs,

storm - what are cozy days in with your f/o like?

Whenever I think of cozy days, my brain immediately goes to rainy/chilly weather where we can cuddle up together and my brain short fuses. I'm gonna assume this is just like a day off or something though!

How I visual them together vs how I write them is odd because they technically don't act or accept they're 'together' until after the comics but I always write them like they're in a Steady Relationship while on base. I'm always writing a slight AU if you will. Or maybe it's after they get their jobs back at Mann co - I should highkey adjust that but No ♥️. No more thinking, just content based off my idealized universe.

There's definitely a point in their relationship where it's like 'I think I have to put in a little more work here'. I'm not saying either party is slacking but they're slacking ♥️. Neither of them really take action. Chef doesn't blame him or really complain about it because that's their nature, plus they don't know how romantic relationships really work or flow, especially with a person like him. Medic doesn't see an issue with anything and continues on with his normal business. 

What I mean by slacking is, there's not a lot of quality time being spent together which would be fine if it wasn't both of their strongest Love Languages, which could help them strengthen their relationship. It's odd because they're 'romantically involved' but they don't spend a lot of time together for either of them to consider it romantic, simply because it's on company time. 

ANYWAYS THATS JUST ME BEING CONVOLUTED. FEEL FREE TO JUST IGNORE ALL OF THIS.

Medic goes to bed pretty late and wakes up at a fairly early hour. Chef is a late sleeper and forced to be an early riser because their Actual Job is to make at least 2 or 3 meals a day (if they want something else, they're on their own but hate when anyone messes up the kitchen and will honestly, stand there and watch said person).

There's minimal time they can spend together if they want to do their own activities - for Medic, it's tinkering around with organs or in Engie's garage, for Chef, they're typically meal prepping or trying to tend to an animal or plant of some sort.

Medic is actually more direct about wanting attention and it's never been a problem because he's cautious about it. Chef is more emotionally inclined and willing to drop hints that they want more attention. 

Chef probably has one day off where it's a complete free for all, for the rest of the team, which would be the perfect time to spend with Medic - If he wanted to stop working, that is. Just don't picture it but, Chef will literally sit in the medbay for hours just to be near the guy, but it isn't bad? The drone of machinery or the scratching of his pen is relaxing, or having his doves nearby is always sweet! Plus, he's prone to talking their ear off when he finds something interesting, so they'll chime in and have some back and forth.

But, yknow - sometimes having someone's undivided attention is nice and Chef is pretty dense when it comes to that and wonders why they feel so upset.

They swallow their pride and ask Medic if they sleep in his room one night and Medic's not as dense as Chef, he understands that they'd never ask for something so out of the blue for no reason and he promises to finish up his work early so they could head to bed together. Chef had nothing planned, they literally just needed that affection and closeness - since it was their day off Medic takes the hint and puts his work aside for the time being.

They'd probably sleep in and stay in bed a while longer before getting ready together - no uniform required. Chef isn't so talkative in the mornings, Medic's noticed, but they were happily fiddling with his buttons and tie, humming in thought before answering his questions. Medic's seen them out of uniform of course, but it's always funny seeing them in just a button up and jeans like … mom on the go vibes. Medic leaves his coat behind before making his way to the kitchen with Chef. 

The kitchen usually has a couple people loitering around, grabbing their coffee or honestly, waiting around for Chef because they always make extra and these bitches are lazy. But the kitchen has now become A Medic Supremacy Zone and he has first dibs - the benefits of being w/ Chef I guess. The two would work as if the others weren't there, keeping their conversation between each other even if that means Medic tilting his head down while Chef leans in closer to reply. There's a high possibility the other have left them to their own devices, seeing as the couple was ignoring them / knows they won't be getting anything. Breakfast isn't extraordinary but it feels special since they actually get to sit across each other and share the morning today.

It's possible that they'd go out and run some errands today, but it's a cover to window shop and walk around. I'll be honest, they probably haven't had proper dates so it's refreshing. You could ask Chef what they liked the most and they're just like :] Yes. 

Other times, they like to curl up and catch up with some reading (well, Medic at least) while Chef rests against him and skim over the words. They're not too invested in what he's reading but likes to have some idea of what he's talking about so they don't ask too many questions. (Very 'these words are big and english/german is not my first language + I can't read as fast as you can so I got lost 7 pages ago). Medic likes to watch Chef garden and tries to help them tend to whatever they're able to grow in the goddamn desert. He overwaters a cactus and looks away if it dies. Chef talks ab how they're growing mint and how it really took off while Medic's standing there like :] Oh, lets make tea with that. Because they're Old People (read: Medic is old)

🕊🐁

ivy - how do you take care of each other when you’re sick?

Chef is easier to take care of when they're sick. They continue working until they're pretty beat but once they feel sick and a break doesn't work, they'll try to finish up what they can before turning in early. They see themselves to bed and inform whoever's near that they won't ne there at dinner and if they really cant figure it out, then come get them - other than that, they're barricading themselves in their room.

When they're sick they're REALLY sick but recovery time is usually a few days (depending on how bad it is). They basically hibernate and don't like being disturbed. They're used to not fending for themselves since they've been on their own for a while but really appreciate all the check ins Medic does w/ them, especially when they're all better. 

Medic, being...their Medic, he definitely gives them a check up when they first begin showing symptoms and he can be a stickler when it comes to drinking fluids and eating properly. Chef usually has a  finicky stomach as it is so Medic really urges them to drink soups and easy foods like bread and crackers. He checks in on them A LOT, even if that's just peeking in to see if they're asleep or not. He backs off when Chef gives him a cold stare from under the covers and minimizes his intrusions/tries to be more sneaky about it. He has colder hands and they let out a sigh when he puts his hand to their cheek or forehead to check their temperature. 

Chef doesn't hesitate to take any medication he has for them, mostly bc they aren't fully coherent but they also don't have energy to care, in fact they have the thought that if he accidentally kills them, maybe respawn will cure them. Unfortunately, Medic debunks this before they can even muster up the energy to ask.

Overall 7.5/10, very good patient. Will refuse to get up and accidently falls asleep in the shower which scares the shit out of him.

Medic on the other hand is very stubborn and doesn't like to stop working unless there's something that physically stops him (ex: vomiting, serious injuries [unlikely bc medigun], etc). If he tricked the Devil, surely the man can beat the common cold or flu! Unfortunately he gets those full body shivers and feels terrible. He can be pretty dramatic when he's sick and everyone's subjected to his bad attitude. 

It's Chefs turn to play doctor - they can tell by looks alone that he's under the weather. His face is flushed and he's a bit sloppily put together, which isn't *too uncommon* but his tie isn't tied and his glasses lamely slide down his nose. They tsk a bit while taking his temperature just to keep track of it before ushering him to his room.

He can be dragged to bed if persistent enough. Chef's firm hold on his arm is enough for him to get off his chair and have them tug him along. He doesn't have any room to argue with them as they look up at him, so he relents, stating that a short break would definitely do him good, but he'll be up and at em by tomorrow. 

Chef is doting and becomes a bit of a helicopter parent when checking on him. This mostly consists of peeking their head in but not really stepping in the room. Every so often they'll wake him up to drink water and either hand him an ice pack or offer a cold towel and move to dab at his forehead and neck.

Medic hasn't been too keen on having others taking care of him bc that's HIS job, and he often tries to shoo Chef away by saying he's more than alright now. Sometimes he's caught sitting up in bed doing work or taking notes on something bc he's a bit restless when he's sick and stationary for too long.

But he's right. He's very good at taking care of himself - when Chef offers him food he'll force himself to eat some of it and he's drinks plenty of fluids without needing reminders. He kinda bosses Chef around, telling them to grab certain medications from the Medbay. They trust his judgment on his own health and bring him what he asks for but Chef keeps a mental note of what he takes and when. Don't need the doctor accidentally taking too many pills today!

Overall 6.5/10. It's hard to get him into bed and becomes restless fairly easily. He is persistent that he's ok after one day of rest only to be found sneezing himself away in the Medbay. 

[goldkirk]

feel free to ignore this if you dont feel comfortable answering, but how does therapy help? i know how it's supposed to work logically, but i cant talk about any of my issues out loud so idk how it's supposed to help. even if i did talk about things it'll just make me cry bc thats what happens. i cant imagine it'll do anything for me besides make me feel bad.

Okay, I’m going to go slow and kind of break this down part by part, all right? You deserve a good answer and I’m going to try to do my best! I’m no therapist, and everyone’s experience is different, but this is just what I’ve learned from my own classes and my own experience with therapy and mental illness.

Therapy is, most basically, just treatment that is meant to help you reach goals. Just like going to PT for an injured shoulder is meant to help that injury heal and give you back as much range of motion with as little pain as possible—maybe with the need for a little more caution, or devices to assist sometimes, but still, much more healed than it WAS—mental therapy is meant to help you “heal” from things like traumatic experiences, depression, anxiety, etc. The point is to either heal the injury completely, medicate it properly like any chronic health issue like diabetes or Crohn’s (if you’re dealing with a chronic case of depression, or bipolar, or anxiety, etc.) so you have much better quality of life, give you a toolbox of skills to cope with what you’re dealing with both now and in the future, or, most often, a combo of all three. It’s not magic, and it takes work and support just like physical therapy, but it DOES work.

But it’s HARD!!!! Sometimes we absolutely WANT to get things off our chest, yes, but a lot of the time we Don’t want to talk about things that are uncomfortable and painful. Sometimes we don’t even know how. Good therapists know ways to help you figure out how to talk, and are patient, and it’s OKAY if you can’t for a while. But most importantly, there are also ways AROUND that. If you feel like you can’t verbally talk about something, like happens to me sometimes, you can use sign language, or try a different language if you know one, because second and third languages have different emotional contexts. You can type instead, and either show your therapist what you typed or just straight up do online therapy and never have to verbally speak to a therapist at all if you don’t want to.

And!!!! Maychorian helped me finally realize this, actually, in one of her wonderful fics—you can go to therapy, and the therapist will go “what are you hoping to get out of this” at the start, and you can just tell them “I am not comfortable talking about what happened or about many of my feelings right now, but my problems are impacting my life in these ways:” (can’t sleep because anxious, having trouble making it to classes, get panic attacks, freak out if x happens, always feel on edge, can’t eat half the time, feel completely numb, shut people out, flinch away from all men, etc. etc.) “and I want to learn some ways to get that more under control so my symptoms are easier to manage.” And they’ll say “okay!” and start working with you on coping skills and not force you to talk about anything you don’t want to. You don’t even need to tell them things that happened if you want to. It’s not the same as healing the actual injury, but it’s giving you medicine and bandages to keep the injury more healthy and less terrible to deal with until you’re ready to get it fully treated. And it will heal a little along the way too—coping strategies are a lot more powerful than just as bandaids.

It’s 100% okay to cry. If you want to talk, and you bawl your eyes out, that’s okay. Pain is pain, grief is grief, fear is fear, and so on. Emotions are big and can be overwhelming and tears are a way your body tries to cope. Therapists know this, and they won’t push too hard, and if you want help dealing with crying, they can give you some skills and strategies for that, too. But you can also cry your way through every session with them if that’s what it takes for a while and it’ll be okay. Also, again, online therapy can help if you don’t want to cry in front of someone and you think it would be easier if you could type to talk and cry in private. But online therapy is much harder for a therapist to get good reads on your emotions if you don’t use video chats, so just know that you need to be as open and honest and clear as possible about boundaries if you do that. It’s a balance.

Gonna be real with you, therapy does hurt sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t hurt at all, sometimes it feels like you went three rounds with a pro wrestler. That’s why therapists are really serious about pacing and don’t let you overdo it on the breakthrough days and don’t push too hard before and after, say, a more trauma-recounting-heavy session. But again, it’s like physical therapy. You’ve got mental injuries, yeah? They hurt. They cause you pain. And therapy makes you touch them and move them around, and that’s going to cause pain too, but over time, you get to be more in control of exactly how much you touch them, and they start healing and hurting less in general, AND you gain more and more of what are, essentially, pain-control techniques that help you cope with the pain that DOES come. And if you have something else going on, like ADHD, ASD, etc., therapists can help you deal with feelings from that AND give you some tools to use to keep more control of your emotions and reactions when you’re dealing with dysregulation or sensory overload or people who refuse to understand, and give you life pro tips that are workarounds for a lot of executive functioning problems and sensory issues. Thank GOD for those, tbh.

I can’t tell you that it’ll be smooth and painless, or that it’ll be easy, because it’s not, but it IS good and it DOES help. You can do a lot on your own the longer you go and the more you learn. It starts becoming obvious months or a year or two into therapy that it IS making a difference and even if you’re not fully healed or recovered from some things, it’s getting nag better—you’re feeling healthier, you have better quality of life, even if you’re dealing with some of the same problems and cycles you cut them shorter now, or they aren’t as bad, or you understand that they aren’t a personal failing and are able to keep your self worth out of it finally, etc. etc.

It’s a totally personal path to walk, and it’s different for every person. But you get to go at your own pace, and you pick the therapist that YOU feel comfortable with, and it CAN help everyone. It’s okay to not be ready to talk about things. It can still help you get more quality of life, if that’s something you’re interested in! If you have more questions you can ask them anytime, okay. I really hope this helps a little!

[fairycosmos]

Hi C, I'm in a really dark place rn esp bc of quarantine, so I'm probably not gonna make it these next few months sadly, sorry to lay this on you, but I just wanted to say this before. I relate alot to you about many of the personal/emotional things you talk about in your asks and your blog brings me comfort when I decide to come on here. I'm shy so sometimes I reblog the stuff you reblog from the source haha. I hope you learn to feel truly happy and that you never get to my point. Love , V x

hey, this seriously breaks my heart to read 😞 i’m not stupid enough to believe that anything i say will be enough to absolve you of the weight you’re carrying. clearly you’re dealing with a lot of pain and mental exhaustion, maybe to an extent i cant even imagine. so i know words from a stranger aren’t any kind of solution. but i have to try any way because i care about what happens to you, and i want you to know that you’re not in this all on your own. maybe i could be a mediating presence. maybe all that matters is having some time to pause. to give yourself another perspective to consider so it’s not just your mind trying to convince you that it’s all so black and white. cause it’s not, i promise. you can be 100% certain, in this moment, that these next few months will be rough/ impossible to survive - and still make it through them anyway. a sense of impending doom is not always accurate, nor is any ‘helplessness’ you see in yourself. and when you have depression, most of the time those perceptions are wildly inaccurate. it’s coming from the same place as all of the other toxic thinking processes: the self hatred, the shame, the anxiety. it’s not a reliable or factually concrete basis to act on. look, everything i talk about in my asks, i believe whole heartedly to be true for you, too. i dont say these things lightly at all. especially when i bring up how mental illness distorts your reality and your ability to make an accurate judgement of your future, and even more so when i talk about all the different types of treatment that are out there and that really do work given the time and effort. even if they’re not immediately available to you right now, just simply surviving through each day will eventually get you to a point where you can begin confronting your issues and growing beyond them. just as people do with physical ailments, the same is possible for mental ones. you can cry, you can want to give up, you can be numb and hurt and not know what to do next. as long as you make it to the next moment. if you need a little help to be able to do that, then that’s fine. most people do. there are many hotlines still open, online communities offering support, mental health professionals working from home that you can contact. even if you have to force yourself to. if you’re already seeing someone, you can call them any time and let them know you’re struggling. then maybe you can set up a plan together, to enable you to manage the heavy thoughts/emotions when they flare up instead of being overwhelmed by them. if not, you could call a friend or loved one if that’s an option just so you have someone to vent to. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than hurt yourself. a lot of ppl are feeling the strain of this isolation, but that doesn’t mean we can’t stay connected in other ways. it doesn’t mean we’re beyond help. it’s okay, whatever you need, it’s okay. i know it seems like bull shit, and i know it doesn’t feel worth it right now. i completely understand, i’ve absolutely been there too. but i would hate to see you permanently harm yourself, or worse, over an episode (that has been significantly worsened by quarantine) that can be worked through. you cant trust your mind right now, or the urges you’re having. i dont want to give you all the cliches about how there’s so much waiting for you, about how suicide is an extreme solution to a temporary problem. i get that they’re annoying. but part of me does believe all of those old sayings, at least a little bit. you can recognize that you’re in a dark place right now, and that it’s being exacerbated by current circumstances, and thats a really good sign. it means some part of you know there’s more beyond that, that improvement is both possible and in some ways, inevitable. whatever ‘point’ you think you’re at, you’re not. you’re not a lost cause. you didn’t survive everything so far, for nothing. so please, please don’t get lost in the notion that killing yourself is a guaranteed act, because it’s not. it’s easy to believe that when you’re spiraling, but spirals always come to an end, through self awareness or natural progression or medical attention. listen, you’re here and you’re trying and that is quite literally the entire point. you’re worth so much, and so is your life. i couldn’t be more proud of you, and i want you to stick around so that someday you’ll see it for yourself. i’m really glad i was able to bring you some comfort. it makes me want to cry that you sent this and that you’re thinking of me. so know i’m thinking of you too. that so many people care for your presence even if you dont know it. please reconsider, please try to regroup and look at your options. if you want to talk, dont hesitate at all to message me. i know you said you’re shy, but so am i! and i can relate a lot to what you’re saying. i’ll be here. take it one day at a time love, and if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even a minute at a time. the rest doesn’t exist yet. im sending you so much love, and my dms are always open. get some sleep, eat well, find something you enjoy that allows you to breathe, - a view from a window, a tv show, a memory, laying in bed. not a cure,  i know, just a small reason. and then for now, keep going. whatever that looks like for you. i believe in you so much x

[kny-imagines]

okidoki, giyuu and tanjirou relationship hcs coming right up! thank you for the request :D!

tomioka giyuu

looks super mysterious and intimidating

really is just a dumb confused emo eddgy-edge man

LISTEN MY DUDE you better be very direct and straightforward with this man or else he just  w o n t  g e t  i t

he just sucks at social interactions, alright? his social skills are = 0. and please don’t ever try to hint something to him. he’s denser than osmium (which is like the densest material on earth so far i know). hence why i hope for the sake of your and his relationship that you’re a straightforward person (or at least can be when needed)

emotionally distances himself a lot, which is like,, a big problem. has a lot of self-worth issues too :((. being a demon slayer isn’t an easy task and takes a huge toll on your mental health and his past (ughh don’t wanna get into spoiler territory, so i’ll keep it vague)) really doesn’t make it any easier for him. it may take a while for him to fully open up to you, but once he does, you just know he’s in it forever. and he’s forever grateful for it too.

such a devoted lover!! he truly truly loves you, and although he may lack in the communicative area, he really makes it up with his actions. here, have some of his share of this food too bc you looked so happy n cute eating it!! oh, this cherry blossom hairpin? he got it on one of his missions out of town bc he remembered how sad you were that the cherry blossom season was over! he is basically the definition of��“actions speak louder than words”

i can see him being super into subtle affections like accidental hand touching/arm touching, blowing on hot food before offering it, draping a jacket or a blanket over the other person when it gets cold, etc. it’s nothing special. but his most favorite person in the world makes it special.

i’m not here to idolize him, but to tell you how a relationship with him could be. and like every realistic relationship, it’s not gonna be perfect, but if you both actively work on it, it can still bloom into something wonderful.

tl;dr: he’s just a super dense and awkward bean that needs some time warming up to a relationship, but once he does it’s gonna last forever (if you’re in for it)

kamado tanjirou

i think by now we know what a kind-hearted and wholesome person my boyo tannedjirou is

ALSO PART OF THE “i’m too dense to get subtle hints”-SQUAD PLS SAVE THESE BOYS

he’s just such a sweet person and generally doesn’t assume that any person could have any other intentions of being nice other than being nice!

and you have one intention.. that is making it known that you like him romantically!!!2111!!!!!2!!!

it’s okay br0, zenitsu has your back (both emotionally and physically). he may not be of biggest help when it comes to confessing, but at least you can gush together about your respective crushes :”)

will mom u. and dad u. but more mom u than dad u. doesn’t matter if you’re already in a relationship or still painful crush phase. he. will. mom. u.

you: i want to be more than friends

tanjirou: best friends :D?

you: n-no, something even bigger than best friends, something more than “like”, something like love

tanjirou:

tanjirou: so like super best friends :D??

you:

(i’m so sorry dude, but we tanjirou lovers have to go through this painful stage)

it’s so obvious that you like him, everyone knows. EVERYONE.

how is his smell super extraordinarily good when he cant even smell ALL THE LOVE FOR HIM COMING FROM U

he doesnt realize he likes u in a romantic way probably until he sees you just getting along with nezuko so well. after all, she means more than the world to him, but seeing you just taking care of her without a second thought or u offering to carry the wooden box for him bc u want him to rest,,,,, he suddenly realizes he wouldn’t mind to expand his family to u.............

MONEY IS FLYING AROUND IN THE BUTTERFLY ESTATE, EVERYONE WAS BETTING HOW LONG ITD TAKE HIM TO REALIZE AND PROPERLY CONFESS

as we already know, family is such an important aspect to him, but respects it if u dont get along well with your own family,, after all...................... youre now part of his family :)

[appreciative nezuko ‘mmgghk’ noises in the back. she likes u a lot!!]

very very affectionate!! he’s a bit too embarrassed to kiss u in front of ppl <:0 (u should still give him a peck on his cheek tho just to see his face and ears redden. so adorable!!), but very big on hand holding and linking arms!!

pls grab one of his hands and kiss it while staring deeply into his eyes. he. will. melt.

doesn’t really use pet names himself, but loves it when you use them for him!! pls be as silly as it gets (like sir floofington, my little cuddle bunny, etc), he will giggle and nuzzle your cheek as his reply!!

although he can be very dense, he’s very very blunt and honest!! (see: scene when he complimented inosuke’s face LOL)

doesn’t know how to flirt, but his honesty could be taken as flirting,,,,

you, teasingly: oh, you’ve been staring in that person’s direction for a while now. should i be jealous?

him: THEY MAY BE VERY BEAUTIFUL, BUT NO MATTER WHERE I LOOK, THE GREATEST BEAUTY I SEE IS YOU

damage: 1000

i kinda wandered off and they aren’t very specific to relationship hcs anymore, sorry D: !! if you want me to redo them, just resend the request and i’ll happily write them anew!!

[rattusrattus3]

Can I ask you a few questions about feminism? I got into Riot Grrrl and have since found feminism. What's a fadfem? What's third wave feminism? How would you describe your feminism? I hope you dont mind the questions

Wow! I love this question !!! Thank you so much for reaching out! I wanna say I am not the authority on feminism and feminist issues and reccomend doing lots of your own research, please don’t take my word for things! I’m just a 21 yr old

Ooh riot grrrl is so fun! Love that for you! I think that as a movement it had really good intentions but in practice kind of ended up being white, classist and exclusionary in some cases (not a judgment on you! Just a fact about mainstream feminism in a Racist society! Here’s a source about that, just paste it into sci.hub.se if you cant access it!)

rad fem? i think is maybe what you mean? it means radical feminist and they are not very radical, their main platform thing is that womanhood is all about having a vagina and whatever so theyre very trans exclusionary and I dont like them, highly recommend against rad fems 

third wave feminism! so basically people who study feminism have categorized it into different waves, or time periods/ideologies. Third-wave was 90′s to 2010s, it has some problems because of its association with neoliberalism (which advocates for individual action to systemic problems, relies on capitalism and the free market, and of course is still pretty exclusionary in many spaces, in terms of being very white, abelist, middle/upper class, etc), But third wave feminism is about like individualism and diversity 

fourth-wave feminism is what we’re in right now ! feminism is constantly evolving and growing through its mistakes and learning so much! Fourth wave feminism is much more aware of intersectionality, (intersectional feminism was coined by Kimberly Crenshaw, heres an amazing video of her talking about) intersectionality is the fact that different aspects of your identity will impact you in different ways, so for example, a cis white woman will not experience the same discrimination of a trans woman of colour, intersectionality is about recognizing your privilege, using it where you can to help others, and educating yourself about issues you may not have experience with (or that you do!) (like colonialism, racism, mental health/abelism, ageism, classism, homophobia and transphobia, etc etc etc). 

feminism for me is about the dismantling of the hetro-capitalist-patriarchy, a system which is fundamentally unsustainable as it revolves around the accumulation of profit for more capital, and this is at the expense of others, i say hetro- because the hetrosexual, two parent, nuclear family system is a fundamental part of the system which seeks to create and raise little workers who feel they are an individual, always under surveillance and need to compete with others to survive (see Michel Foucault!) het normativity has gotta be dismantled and we gotta get away from it, and the trad family supports uneven power realtions between spouses and children and as an insulated system is a huge site of abuse for many people. i say capitalist bc capitalism is a fucking disease and literally the source of most of our enviornmental problems and has been used to justify racisim and colonialism and its gotta be undone. Patriarchy is the culutral system that priveleges men over women, defining men as “rational, logical, smart, strong, and multifaceted” and women as “one dimensional, emotional, and reliant on men”

bell hooks is a great famous feminist author i highly recommend, she believes that all forms of oppression are interlocked (sexism, racism, classism, speciesism, etc), and the only way to liberation was to simultaneously dismantle the oppressions that affect us, (primarily within and because of a capitalist system!) she has some great books i reccomend like feminist theory from margin to centre, theres a free pdf for ya ;) 

another book i really recommend is Making Space for Indigenous Feminism edited by Joyce Green

for me personally, feminism involves a lot of stuff, like anti capitalism, body autonomy, intersectionality, supporting indigenous sovereignty, protecting eachother from sexual assault and general abuse, and supporting organized actions that actively support the marginalized members of my community (and fuck cops! theyre not our friends theyre not on our side!)! for me feminism looks a lot like constant self evaluation and critical analysis, acknowledgment of privilege, and a desire to improve rather than be perfect! for example, I am white and a settler, so I am racist by default because of having been raised in a white supremacist, settler society, BUT i can actively do my best to unlearn my racisim and all the other forms of oppression(like classism and sexism and abelism) that i have learned! and that at the end of the day is what feminism is about for me, is trying to figure out how to ensure love and liberation for all beings around me, i also know i will always be doing harm as long as i live and participate in a capitalist society, so its important to know that I am not perfect and make a lot of mistakes, and am trying to do what I can with what I have to learn how to do less harm, in a world that is hurting a lot. Feminism for me is about listening to others and learning from others. sorry for the rant, a lot was left out, people are free to comment! heres a feminism tag on my blog where i reblog stuff that i think of as feminist issues 

[flockofdoves]

ugh i hate this tumblr glitch where i cant just start a post with a read more now

to be fair i think there were other factors to me dropping out of school (academic leftism is a disease, i couldn’t picture a career from my majors, i was having a weird mental health episode right before, i was really freaking out about 12 years (at that time. now less. god) to stop the worst effects of climate change and how i was doing nothing to stop that and i’d be in school doing stuff distracting me from that for 2 more years, me just being consistently bad at ever doing certain academic tasks like writing essays no one ever helped me grasp what i should be doing esp with adhd stuff, residual stuff from past undealt with traumas and grief stuff i’d all bottled up, maybe also although i hate to acknowledge this cult recruitment tactics playing at all that stuff and asking me why i was hesitating about dropping out because i wanted more time with my peers when i still could be friends with them outside of the context of college which i think finally made me confident enough in my decision to drop out)

but i’m realizing now how huge of a factor immediately what i now recognize as my eating disorder was. it was my fibro/cfs symptoms and other physical disability issues i couldn’t even begin to understand why they were happening to me that really scared me and made me miss so much school the semester i withdrew and made me feel like it was impossible to succeed in that environment and that i desperately needed to stop and figure out what was happening. and now i know all that being so dramatically exacerbated so much that year was my disordered eating getting worse and worse without me realizing.

and that makes me so upset to think about. maybe i wouldn’t have wasted almost 2 years of my life now feeling isolated and atrophying all my distress tolerance doing literally nothing with my life and becoming like i’m not even a real person anymore and not even knowing how to begin rebuilding old friendships i fell out of in that fog of health problems (and ofc my own poor prioritizing) if i hadn’t developed an eating disorder

its been so long i can’t claim i’m the same person i was 2 years ago, and i need to be a responsible adult, 21 is way more into adulthood than 19 was i cant make excuses, but also i really havent felt like a real person since i was 19 its so fucked up i hate thinking about it

if i go back to my old school in person if i ever do, especially now with everything much wider than me going on, i don’t even know how many people i was friends with will still be there. i’ll probably be older than my peers in a lot of my classes. its been just as long separated from my friends there as i’d started to befriend them, i don’t expect them to hold me as much more than an acquaintance they once knew especially with how terrible i’ve been at keeping in contact since. but i really feel like i have barely anyone in my life. no matter where i go whether there or somewhere else i’m going to have to work to build relationships with people i’ve never known before with barely any existing connections to people to ease along that. especially with how warped i feel in my capabilities to interact with people normally anymore bc of my isolation i’m so incredibly terrified i’m just never going to be much more than a very lonely person with no real close connections beyond the few friends i keep up with long distance at the same level i am now where i feel i don’t know how to go beyond the frigid superficial place i feel stuck in when i want to give more to those relationships.

[estrelladeishtar-archive]

So a few minor updates

First things first: I’m no longer goin to be on amino at all. I kind of am tired of havin to consistently deal with people stealing or trying to even profit off my work/tryna sell my designs & pretend to be me when i’m struggling w major chronic illness issues & other personal life stuff. So simply put, from here on out if you see anyone on amino claiming to be me, that is /NOT/ me bc I no longer use it.

I also am going to say from here on out that I won’t allow use of any of my work anymore due to the above reasons, & am not going to have this up for debate. But anyway. The only exceptions to this are things I make for other people to which only those people may use it.

Secondly. I’m slowly getting back to art again after a solid 3-4 weeks of doin very little... I mostly have been struggling w autoimmune disease shit & the complications its caused me all year. As well as coming off antidepressants too.

Currently where things stand, I have liver & kidney malfunctions due to my illness & am still getting testing done since its most likely I have abdominal adhesions (aka internal scar tissue , most likely from surgery i had in 2017, that sticks things together in ways it probs shouldn’t). Treatment at least has put a halt to some things but liver & kidney malfunctions worsening are a bit worrisome so hoping I can get that under control.

Its been a v bad year for my health lmao. But that said, I should hopefully be back to work fully on stuff or at least at a sorta faster pace rather than hardly doing much. Kind of necessary for me too bc medical bills are looming over me & its getting harder to keep up w them admittedly :/

I also am steadily workin on returnin to my own rp blog since its been a while, & writing is somethn that helps me tbh? So there’s that.

There’s... not an awful lot more I have to say tbh? That’s abt most of what’s goin on on my end, & its been the main reason for more silence on my accts aside from my personal tumblr ( @tentamancerscurse ) & my main twitter @ tentamancer. Its just been rough mostly & its why I’ve been more reclusive than usual/not replying to most, aside from keepin up with irl responsibilities. Mainly been doin stuff to take care of myself not only physically but mentally too, which is especially important with no longer having antidepressants (cant be on em anymore bc liver issues & also dangerous medication interactions)

But anyway...

All this said, I do appreciate also havin had support throughout this year regardless & I am hopin to be fully back on my feet & no longer hindered by this. Hopefully this should be over soon, but yeah. That’s rly abt it for updates though.

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[pettrichore]

this is legit just a vent post

so the meat of this shit will be under the cut bc i doubt anyone really wants to read this shit but i just need to like say it and yeah

anyway so my life has been kinda going shitty as of late. I mean who hasn’t had a shitty time as of late. obviously some people more than others are struggling and like i acknowledge the fact that i dont have it the worst etc etc but like. damn cant someone just vent. 

anywayyy so im not even gunna like get into everything of what has been going on bc.. yeah no i’m just not gunna put that out there. but essentially i went through a breakup and it’s really hard on me but im still in contact with my ex. and p much we’d LIKE things to work out but also there’s just.. a LOT happening. me talking to him is nice mainly because i have like zero fucking friends and no one to talk to (and i mean anyway i cant hang out w anyone at this point now either but i digress) and so it’s really just some friends occasionally ?? and him and i’m going to lose my mind if i dont have a consistent person to talk to. he has to figure out his shit and there’s... just a LOT going on in his life and some things that COULD happen like worse case could just be my breaking point where i just HAVE to dip. really i dont want to though. it’s just.. complicated and frustrating. shit has been going FINE like it’s not bad. but occasionally there will be things he says that hurts me and like shit gets resolved or whatever but he kinda keeps mentioning how it would probably be better for me if i just... dont communicate with him. which on one hand i see his point with that but also on another like... it’s not gunna stop me from being hurt if shit does go south. like ig i’ve had more time to process it or whatever but like.. what ?? like a week?? yeah that might help but also like.. not really??? idk. i dont see the point on dropping someone if i dont have to. even if we dont end up together in the end i dont wanna just.. give up. mamma didn’t raise no quitter. 

idk there are just so many moving parts to this and i’m worried for his mental health and mine as well. idk what is the best decision in the end. i don’t have future vision. i cant tell what path is the best to go down. idk what will lead to the least amount of pain. 

part of me does want to just leave. to take this as a life lesson and hope it was one for him too and hope he has a good life and leave but like.. i legit wanted to marry him. he wanted to marry me too. like we still love each other. and yeah it hurts to think that maybe shit wont work out but also i don’t want to burn my bridges before i get to them. i dont want to lose a connection to someone who has been an important part of my life for nearly a year now. neither of us are perfect. this whole thing has led to a lot of issues and pain but i have hope that things wont be miserable. i know sometimes you have to let go of people from your life even if doing so hurts you then but.. idk. i know i dont need someone to be whole. im my own person. i can live life without a boyfriend. does that mean that my life wasn’t so fucking amazing with him? nah. it was so fucking amazing and i miss that but i know i dont necessarily need him or anyone to be a whole person. but he made my life more exciting. 

there’s just so much to this that i havent mentioned or forgot to cover but yeah idk. idk what to do. i do know that i need some mental help. that he does too. that things arent good right now but that doesnt mean that they cant get better. i also know i need some fucking legit friends. ppl to talk to on the regular. i wish i had ppl to hang out with but even if i did i know i couldnt do that lol. yeah idk. there’s more shit happening in my life that doesnt help. it also doesnt help that im a major overthinker and also a very emotional person. i just hope and pray shit will get better and soon. i want answers to things so decisions can be made. will i be staying still or will i dip. it also hurts to have the person you love try to push you away a bit. i know it’s for my sake and also for him because it’s so incredibly hard for him to see me hurt but yeah idk. i hope this will be something we can look back on in our relationship and see how it in the end strengthened us rather than brought us down or tore us apart. 

there were things that were done that still hurt and that i still dont agree with or like but i have accepted things and don’t feel any bitterness towards him for. i know things will never be the same but i hope they will be different in a good way. i have faith and hope that things will go good. like he is taking care of himself and focusing on his health and needs i need to do the same. at times i feel bad for feeling selfish things but honestly i deserve something good. i deserve a lot in life and i hope that i can get it. i want to get it in a good and healthy mutual way. i want to give a lot too. my heart hurts of course but i still feel so much love and some of that hurt is just because i care so much. 

anyway this went on longer than expected. if you read this then wow. tbh i dont intend this to be read it’s just like... i needed to speak this out there. i needed to say it to someone or to something. to get it to the world. if someone reads it then that’s cool. hmu if you want. if no one reads this then im perfectly fine. 

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.