#a little warm up thing to get me in the fanart mindset

[jel-jel-jel]

do you see my vision

[rimbaud-fan-page]

Ppl definitely change Rimbaud's personality so much it annoys me. Especially when they treat him as more level headed and logical or more like. Nice than Verlaine. He doesnt read as cold as much as just very aloof and almost out of it seeming to me tho, i feel like when you meet him he seems spacey.

Ive talked about it a bunch on my blog (tho i will admit. He and Verlaine are fem4fem and nonbinary to me. They are equally masc in that they super arent masc at all. So like note that before you go looking at my posts) but like. Bro hes insane and fucked up same as his husband good lord theres so few good fics of rimlaine and i tried to write one but rereading it it sucked and all my others are wips.

Also like. Ppl feminize Rimbaud but dont even give us the fun flirty fanart??? I mean i want fun flirty art of Verlaine too but seriously come on.

Rimbaud is logical to a certain extent, at least with anything that doesn't include Verlaine. His entire mindset is that he cannot allow other people to distract from his work, that emotions will only get in the way of his achievements. This mindset is inherently illogical, of course, but it does mean that he would be more level-headed and wouldn't allow emotions to impact his actions. Fifteen isn't a great demonstration of this because his motivations are all about Verlaine, the thing he's illogical about.

Rimbaud is spacey in Fifteen, because most of the time we see him, he remembers almost nothing of his past, he's still mixing things up and having memories suddenly occur to him, he's lost. He's also fucking funny because half the things he say are absolute bullshit. Fym you were gonna jump in the fire to warm up, dramatic ass.

I love fem4fem nonbinary rimlaine, and very badly want to see your posts. I honestly think neither of them would have very strict ideas when it comes to their own genders, for a multitude of reasons. I just hate when people over-feminise one character for a ship. Rimbaud is so fucking insane, and I love him for it. His whole line about taking Verlaine back with him to France whether he has to tear off an arm or leg first? Oooofhhh, that got me good. I've tried to write some rimlaine fics myself, since I'm a picky little bastard, but honestly am having the same problems as you </3

And honestly yeah, at the very least give us some fun fanart, but nooooooo.

[phantomrose96]

The one thing I want to know about ABOT is, how do you manage to keep the story flowing long after you've lost the fixation on it? I've tried to start up many of my own longer fictions and I always stall out. Is it a mindset or something more complicated like, letting the story change as you see it?

Ah, you know, that's a really good question.

Amazingly with ABoT, I haven't lost the fixation.

I'm not sure I could nail that down to a science. I definitely HAVE lost fixations on projects before. The first long-fic I did was an 80,000 word fic I wrote when I was 14. I wrote the first ~60k or so in the span of a few months from a strong fixation, then fell out of it, then sort of begrudgingly brought it to the finish line many-more-months later when I'd mostly lost interest, but wanted to see the story through.

Tourmaline, another ~80,000 word venture, I started and finished in a sprint of about 2 months. I was operating under a certain pressure like "I need to do this fast before everyone else (and I) lose interest."

ABoT was much harder to do that with, because ABoT, currently 320,000 words and growing, could not be written in a manic sprint. There was a period with ABoT where I definitely DID lose interest... When the updates in late 2017 slowed to a trickle, and stopped in 2018, I was dealing with a combination of things stopping me in my tracks. For one, the biggest was dealing with the targeted backlash to ABoT. It's hard to hold ground with a ton of people who've got nothing better to do than try and kick down your sandcastle. But ALSO I was dealing with a sort of combined "fear that if im not fast, people will lose interest" and "I can't keep going because I'm frustrated and I hate these characters now"

Like I absolutely hit a point in time where I'd TRY to write something, and I'd look at like some chunk of Reigen dialogue and be like "fuck you, shut up" just ACTIVELY frustrated with who these characters were. I remember taking up a little BNHA fanfiction project and being worried when I realized how much more excited I was about that, while ABoT felt like a haunting, joyless commitment. I'm convinced if I'd forced myself through that, the characters would have become like... flanderized, heartless imitations trying to grasp on to whatever made them interesting in the first place.

(side note: sometimes I feel that exact vibe from long-running series. Like I go "I see, you're frustrated and hate this now, author. I'm sorry.")

But I did pull out of that. And how exactly that happened is hard to say for sure, maybe a combination of things. I definitely spent pretty much all of 2018-2020 just, quietly sad about the ABoT plotlines I thought I'd never see through. I was still mulling them over in my head, still shaping them and giving love to them. I just thought I could straight up never return. So going "fuck it" and returning to it late 2020, with a lot of warm reception and 0 backlash definitely fueled me.

I also have the benefit of people actively being engaged and supportive. It's super motivating to get like, a long gushing ao3 email, or someone kicking in the doors of the ABoT discord with a long loving rant about their thoughts on what's going on in ABoT. I think they've given me a lot of confidence in tackling something that feels so huge. I eat fanart. Like if I could print it out and just eat it I would.

But if I think more about ABoT itself, I think the structure of the story helps a lot with keeping my engagement. The parallel storylines help keep me from getting bogged down in anyone situation, or vibe, or anything. The A Plot (Reigen and Mob) is frequently tonally opposite from the B Plot (Ritsu and Teru) so most chapters have some balance of content.

I have a whole bag worth of Moments that I've had planned for ages that I'm excited to finally, finally get to. As well as Moments that naturally get cooked up and refined as I'm writing, which leads to a nice mix of old content I'm excited for, and new content I'm innovating on. (Like, the end scene of chapter 40 was planned in October 2021, while the end scene of chapter 41 was planned in July 2017).

Also, I'm writing the characters for me. Sometimes I worry about favoritism showing, and "oh should I balance certain characters more" but actually that doesn't matter if I'm just writing the story I want. I've honed in on characters I'm deeply invested in, and deeply care about.

And the content, and the humor, is for me too. All the jokes in ABoT are there because they're something I found funny. That made me laugh to write. It's validating when I've got people who find them funny too! But even if not, well I laughed! I had fun! I thought of it in the shower and went "that's hilarious" and wrote it down so I won.

And I think another huge thing is like... I've stopped trying to give myself harsh deadlines in an "oh people are gonna lose interest if I don't belt this out!" kind of way. I published NOTHING for 3 years. The people who were gonna lose interest have lost interest already. It happened. It's done. It's in the past. All that matters now is putting out into the world what I have to share that I otherwise would never have made if I let that 3 year hiatus go on forever.

It still takes discipline to sit down and write when I'm like "mehhhhhh what if I just browse askReddit for 3 hours?" But the difference is in like, enacting some discipline, vs. forcing myself to slog through something I've heart-and-soul burnt out on, motivated only by the fear of burning up into irrelevance if I'm not doing a constant monkey-dance for an easily-distractable audience.

Like I take steps back from ABoT when it feels like I'm getting a little burnt out. I do other things. Some chapters are 2 weeks apart. Some are 6 weeks apart. What's most important for me is just adjusting the pace such that I'm working on it in a way that my heart is in.

If I had to REALLY boil it down: I think it's that ABoT is a story I love, with characters I love, with planned scenes that make me excited, whose ending feels so emotionally fulfilling, whose effort feels rewarding (especially in quarantine times), whose plot caters to my interests, whose timeline for completion doesn't feel daunting, and whose readers have been exceedingly kind with their interest, praise, investment, analysis, and love for what I've got going on.

I'm at peace with the demons I dealt with trying to get this story into being. It feels like a nice jog to the finish line now, with some hills and bumps and challenges, but I know I can keep up the jogging pace, so regardless of how far out the end ends up being, I'm confident I can job along to it.

[demonslayedher]

Any Kny character you've grown to love/appreciate more??

Thanks for waiting, Anon, I have been trying to really, really hard to narrow this down, but the answer remains: the vast majority of the cast. The only character I loved right away was Tanjiro and that love kept me watching, as with almost every new character I was like, "ugh, I hate this guy. Here I was, having fun being emotionally invested in a high quality anime, and this might ruin it for me." But then the instant I see a different side of their character, I'm like, "...Oh." To go into some examples...

Zenitsu: I could not stand him right away, I hate womanizers, and his conniptions would go on so long that they held up the story. But Gotouge/Ufotable strung me along perfectly, the first glimpse of Thunder Breath made me immediately pay attention and think, "oh, that was cool. I want to see more of that." Seeing him protect the box pretty firmly put him in the "I need to protect this child" box in my heart. And then the spider demon happens, and I'm sending desperate reaction messages to a friend like "NOOOOOO!!!! BABBBBBBBBBYYYYYYYY!!!!" And then he annoyed me all over again at the start of Functional Recovery, ahaha. It's hard to remember how annoyed I was because I'm such a Zen Stan now, and he was a very firm favorite of mine by the time I finished binging the anime up to the last couple episodes, which I waited for as they came out. Inosuke: He was one of the reasons I was curious about the series, I saw some promotional art and was super curious about Nezuko's muzzle (I was one of the people who thought it was some ancient scroll or something, haha) and the kid with the boar mask. The art I saw showed his face, and I assumed he'd be some kid with a cracking voice performed by a female seiyuu. As much as I love Matsuoka's performance now, initially, since I knew what his face looked like, I found it grossly off-putting the moment I heard it. Then every chaotic thing Inosuke did dug a deeper hole; I very quickly decided I hated him, especially when he started beating up on the kid I was starting to like. As his chaos subsided he just became a character I tolerated, and then this happened:

Images you can hear, am I right? This immediately flipped the "BABY" switch in my heart. It was also a lot of fun to understand the Inosuke memes I was seeing everywhere. So by the end of the anime, I loved, loved, loved, loved the Tanjiro/Zenitsu/Inosuke interactions and desperately wanted more (still didn't like how Zenitsu bothered Nezuko, though). I was so impatient for more, but the manga art looked disappointingly off-putting. I figured the anime was successful enough that there'd eventually be more of it, and I wanted to be patient, but then I poked around, read some spoilers, got back into Tumblr to look at fanart and memes, saw a spoiler image of Tanjiro affected by Muzan's poison and the binge-read began. (That's kind of a lie, but I'll get to that.) Let's back up a few episodes. There I was, having a great time, the guy who I forgot about from Episode 1 was back and haha, I guess everyone hates him, and the chick who I figured was going to be a medic who saves Zenitsu in the nick of time turned out to be savage, awesome. I was sending reactions to my friends who were ahead of me, and then we left off seeing the Pillars staring down Best Boy. And I...

Well. Uh. Here, I've dug up an old convo for you, my comments are in blue.

Immediately followed by a passionate vocal rant, which I have transcribed here:

“I feel like what happened was that the mangaka was sitting around with his assistants and was like, ‘welp, gotta make this whole cast of characters, they gotta be so-o-o-o many more levels of extreme than all the other characters I’ve had so far, which isn’t hard, because all of the background characters are cannon fodder and I’ve just gotta leave them all with black hair and no personality traits. So! Gotta go to the opposite of the spectrum with the BIG! POWERFUL! People so no-o-o-body can be normal.’ And so he and his assistants sat down, and they all wrote down just random words or traits, and them put ‘em all in a hat. And then for each character, they pulled out a few of them and said, ‘OK. We’re gonna put these things together, now we have a character.’ And he was probably also like, ‘Iiiiiiiiiiiii’ll flesh them out later. For now, they just need t’… be there, and make an impact. How do we make an impact? By making sure it’s super, super clear what their character traits are. Here, we’ll have this guy repeat the word //HADE//…. ////HA DEEE//// over and over and over… to show that he’s a /showy/ person. Because he /cares/ about that. And he //should// care because that is his character and that’s why he’s powerful.’ OH MY GOSH, it’s so dumb.”

......orz I feel like Genya looking back at how he acted at the end of the Final Selection. I'm sorry, Gotouge, I had not even encountered your love for these characters yet in your little alligator form. Nor had I encountered the yet unseen-sides of these traumatized dragons and tigers. ...*coughs* Um. So. I was pretty harsh.

So this was my mindset, I went into the manga not caring about most of these characters and just wanting more Kamaboko squad interactions and wanting to hurry up and catch up to the battle with Muzan. And it's worth stating that I didn't mean to read it at first. I encountered a few spoilers, and just wanted to look for the context surrounding those parts, and then hunt for the (non-existent) build-up to those parts, and so... uh.........

I read a lot of the manga out of order, and yeah, that did affect how much I cared about what was going on. I didn't actually properly process a lot of it until later re-reads. But to try to state some things simply about each Pillar:

Giyuu: He was just 'ok' to me for a long time, I could see the appeal for why people I knew were fangirling over him but he didn't do it for me. His soft spot for Tanjiro was indeed endearing, though, and I firmly liked him by the time chapter 200 came out and I was properly heartbroken on his behalf.

Shinobu: She was intriguing, and then I liked her as soon as I saw her savage side, she was one of the characters I went hunting for spoilers for.

Rengoku: That stare really put me off at first, but I fell for him over the process of Tanjiro falling for him. When I first finished the train arc I sat back and said, "wow! That's going to make for a good movie!" and then in psyching myself out for the movie several months in advance, I fell hook, line, and sinker and was totally excited for him each time I saw the trailers. And then the movie was *stunning* and I love him even more. Uzui: He was the Pillar I hated most upon first meeting them. I blame the repeated use of his catchphrase. But then when he let his hair down to sell the kiddos the change in design helped warm me up more to him, like, "oh, there was a human in there." It took a long time for him to become more interesting to me, and an uncharacteristically subtle journey to becoming a character I liked. I am currently getting more and more psyched out for him and eager to see how much more I'm going to like him with the shiny Ufotable treatment. Mitsuri: At first I didn't remember her name, I had code-named her as "Boobs." But I kinda had a feeling she was going to grow on me quickly, and I was right, she's one of my easy favorites now. Muichiro: Who? Oh yeah, that kid who always kinda fell to the wayside in my attention. I'd see a lot of Muichiro-themed blogs and hear a lot of little girls looking at merch and showing a clear favoritism of him, and I'd like always react like Muichiro and just be like, "...", and then when I read his major battles I was more emotionally invested in things going on concurrently with other characters, and I was still like, "...", and then two days ago I revisited a Muichiro scene and was suddenly like, "......OH!!! MUICHIRO!!!!!" Himejima: I never really hated Himejima, even if I found his first impression kind of wimpy (haha... oh, I was so wrong). I had a pretty easy acceptance of him too, so I would generally count him among characters I like, but if you were to ask me why, I'd draw a blank. It's kind of a weirdly mature, subdued appreciation for him rather than passionate fangirling. But weirdly when I was daydreaming the other day I found myself thinking, "if I had to marry someone in the KnY cast, it would be Himejima." So like, not a fiery romance, but I see him as my dependable, sturdy rock to grow old with??? What is up with you, sub-conscious?? Iguro: My interest in him rises and falls. Being a Mitsuri fan helped warm me up to his character in the first place, which was the emotional tie I needed since his backstory didn't grip me much (I found it a frustrating distraction while I was desperately reading weekly updates). Reading more subtle details about his character in the fanbooks has brought me around and made me more curious about him, like I'd really like to be a fly on the wall for the conversation he had with Uzui one day about their pasts.

Sanemi: Hahaha, wow. He was so unlikable in the beginning, wasn't he? His character design (yeah, the eyes) was really off-putting too. But then I got to know him and there was no going back, I got totally played. He's a character I'm pretty fond of now and one of the characters I've enjoyed delving into most in fanfic. To keep this answer from getting too long, for the vaaaaaast majority of the cast, I was initially like, "meh" or "OK" or "ew" but now am like, "EEEEEEEEE, I LOVE THIS TOTALLY RANDOM UNIMPORTANT SIDE CHARACTERRRRRRR" so you know... times change. And the more time I spend obsessed with Kimetsu no Yaiba, the more I like them all, so even the characters I'm lukewarm on will probably have their eventual days when they take over my heart and smash it.

[lesbianlotties]

a one shot marla x fran fic request for the one tru queen titled “I know I'm young but if I had to choose her or the sun I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun” inspired by this beautiful lesbian fanart from twitter https://twitter.com/sombergeist/status/1382073638715801612?s=21

it took me some time but !!! here it is. i hope you like it <333

read on AO3 here.

Their bedroom was perfect. That was something both of them agreed on. They had designed it together, obsessing over every little thing until they felt they wouldn’t change a thing about it. Marla made a bigger effort on style, and Fran convinced her of splurging on their whims. So, the blonde was in charge of picking the few decorations, and the brunette insisted on the fireplace and the television. Mostly, though, it was all a joint decision. For example, Marla was an early bird, unlike her girlfriend, who requested the best curtains to keep out the sun in the mornings, but Marla got to pick the color. The bookshelf they filled together. Their favorite books, a couple of photo albums, and just the right amount of incriminating content from all the past lives they lived until they got where they are. Then, there was the bed. A magnificent thing they considered for hours in several stores until they were satisfied with the result. They barely left it during the first day it arrived at their home.

One morning, Fran was lying in that wonderful bed of theirs. Everything around her felt soft, and warm, yet not quite enough. She was alone in bed. Sun was peeking through their curtains in the careful way it did when Marla gently rustled the fabrics after her wake in hopes that her lover would rise up sooner rather than later. As her mind started to catch up with her, Fran registered the strong and familiar smell of coffee. That convinced her to open her eyes. Just a little shifting in bed and she found what she was looking for.

“Happy birthday,” Marla said as soon as her girlfriend’s sleepy brown eyes met hers. Her heart skipped a beat just watching Fran blink. Long eyelashes resting atop impeccable cheekbones for an instant. When Fran opened her eyes again, her stare was instantly sharper.

Fran grinned and snuggled deeply into their bed, then she yawned. “Morning, baby,” she sighed afterward and stretched a little. She tried not to look away, not for one second, from Marla’s beautiful smile. As fascinated as she usually was by the blonde’s shark-like grin that could conquer empires, Fran preferred that one smile. That soft tilt of lips, so close to shy that nobody else would believe Marla Grayson would ever look at anybody like that.

“How do you feel about thirty?” Marla asked, then took a sip of coffee.

The swift movement made Fran notice the love of her life was wearing only a white robe and holding on to a steaming cup of coffee. Speaking of which, there was a cup on the nightstand, waiting for her to take it. “Hm, nothing special, really,” the brunette replied, and sighed pleasurably after the first taste of the hot beverage.

Marla tilted her head, studying her. “It’s still young,” she said, almost in a whisper. She would have sounded playful to anyone but the one woman in the world that knew the exact meaning behind those teasing words.

Fran blinked. She took another sip of coffee. Then she sat up straighter in bed and stared at Marla with all that breathtaking confidence of hers that was the mythical power that years ago got to break down Marla’s walls.

“Is this the part where you try to insinuate I should leave your heinous, old, but wickedly sexy self?”

Her words make Marla actually throw her head back laughing. “You’re impossible,” the blonde said, fondly, then worked on finishing her coffee. As an answer, she only received a precious grin from the other woman.

Her love for Fran, the realest, more honest thing she had ever known, didn’t come without complications. It was a feeling that blossomed showing dozens of new layers as the months passed. First, she wanted Fran like a whim, like one more prey. Then she wanted her more fiercely, almost as a dare to herself to get over the deeper feelings she hadn’t yet acknowledged. Later, she gave in to the feeling of wanting, needing, loving Fran like the summer sun on her skin, not just vital but delightful, necessary but simultaneously a luxury. Still, there would always be a part of her that only wanted Fran as far away from her as possible. She shouldn’t have a weakness, and Fran deserved better than a barely legal life that someday would come to collect the deadly price for all their glorious sins. That, however, was the mindset of someone that feared death, the future, losing, weaknesses, and prices to pay. Marla wasn’t, Marla refused to be that person. So, she comfortably settled into that bold and devoted love the two of them had kept burning on brightly for years, and she swore to keep it burning on until the day she died.

“I got you a gift,” Marla announced, breaking out of her own thoughts.

“Oh yeah? Show me,” Fran easily replied. She abandoned her coffee mug on the bedside table and leaned in forward. Her intentions were clear.

Marla saw no choice but to indulge the birthday girl. She got up from the bed and walked closer to Fran, leaned in to kiss her, kissed her deeply, bit her lower lip… “You’ll have to wait,” she whispered.

“Why?” the brunette sighed. her fingers found the back of Marla’s neck, and she tugged on the short blonde hairs she found there.

Marla’s knees threatened to give in, so she sat down beside Fran and let their kisses continue for a moment longer until she had the words to answer. “Because the police are likely on their way here for another useless interrogation,” Marla said, pulling back with a distinctive smirk, “and since you so charmingly refused to leave me, now you’re going down with me, baby.”

This time, Marla was genuinely playful, but Fran’s reply was completely earnest. “We’re in this together,” she said, meaning every word, “Ride or die.”

“I love you,” Marla said, a little breathlessly, as if the words had just demanded to be said in that instant in specific, “more than anything, you know?” There was a small but serious frown on her forehead, and her hand cradled Fran’s jaw with the utmost adoration.

“I know,” Fran replied gently. “I love you too,” she whispered as her lips brushed Marla’s one more time.

As Marla walked away to get dressed for the day, Fran couldn’t take her eyes off her. Distantly, she noticed the police sirens in the background, and didn’t wonder too hard about the way they felt like the perfect soundtrack to Marla Grayson applying her red lipstick. It certainly wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last time that police sirens chased them or, perhaps more worrying even, worked along with them. It also wasn’t the first time that Marla had attempted to suggest Fran would be better off without her, that she should leave her and her corrupt ways.

As if she could, Fran thought with equal parts fondness and amusement. As if there was even one atom in all of her that could ever picture leaving Marla. It wasn’t even about this brilliant vision in front of her now, this methodically constructed image of a picture-perfect caring, protective, and nurturing woman about to fool the entire legal system and steal from the vulnerable. No. It all comes down to the exact feeling Fran experienced the moment she woke up and Marla was the first thing she saw. Marla in her bathrobe, with her coffee, her crystal clear blue eyes as honest as they were capable of and her smile secretly tender. At that moment Fran just knew, the world could come crumbling down, it could be heaven and hell against the two of them, life or death, and no matter what, she would choose Marla, knowing Marla would choose her as well.

[liyuesbian]

AAAA kokomi quest time :>

same here I thought it was a pretty solid quest overall!! agree that the first half was kinda eh because she just felt too Nice about everything, a little too willing to help people instead of saying "i have some stuff to prepare and am not available rn" (when the Watatsumi citizens were crowding around Traveler and her, I had flashbacks to Barbara's hangout event rip). but the second half got better thankfully. I think even though there's no morally gray kokomi, they still gave her character some flair that's different from before? like you said, the thing where she's forced by heritage to be the divine priestess but doesn't actually want to; i quite liked that, since although she's emotionally drained from her job, she's not like Jean or other characters that sacrifice themselves because they truly like their job and want to help people in that way. kokomi helps people out of obligation and would much rather be doing military strategizing and i love that for her. I want her to be a bit more selfish too, even if it's not in a villainous kind of way; perhaps a scenario where she pulls a xingqiu and just becomes a military strategist/general instead of the job she inherited (actually her and xq would be really interesting together, even if xingqiu doesn't reveal that he's the legend of sword author lol). somehow she gives me only child vibes hahsdjfs

agree!! when she said "it would be so nice if all my work could do itself" I Felt that :') her moments of childishness are very endearing 😌

YEAH the war was finally addressed in some capacity and the Not All Is Well mood, especially the mixed opinions in Watatsumi among both civilians and the soldiers. also agree that the npc opinions were very good and it's nice that some of them are dissatisfied for different reasons, like that old woman you mentioned talking about Watatsumi's god vs the soldier's grievances against the Tenryou Commission! It's not just quietly resolved and that's way better than how the ei quest went hsdfjs. I also loved kokomi's and sara's scene hsdjfsd I was surprised but thankful they actually showed them negotiating the treaty terms instead of just doing a cutscene and illustrating that kokomi (and sara) are good diplomats and know their stuff. they need to put their brains on display more. the quest is also warming me up to kokosara lol

it's fine villain kokomi lives on in our hearts (or in aus lmao)

also expand on kokomi and hu tao? o-o they sound interesting

-mystic

OH YEAH i forgot about barbara's hangout event !

mhm my thoughts exactly. omg i never thought about that.. her and xingqiu would make such great friends! the indirect interaction through his book ties everything together well too :O i'm thinking the whole author-book lover dynamic ajiodfsfiadjn kokomi gushing over her favourite author, [xingqiu's pseudonym]. OR maybe a modern au where kkm is xq's editor?! OR her as a super fan and beta reader?! honestly, kkm and xq are one of my favourite characters so far and it'd rly make me happy to see them interacting 😭 OH did u happen to see this fanart of the hydro gang in a book club? (while i was trying to find the link to the post, i also found this gem! AHHH they're both so cute!)

they rly are!

yep yep haha O I FORGOT 2 TALK ABT THAT KOKOSARA MOMENT !!! i agree, that scene showed us all that kkm is very much capable in doing her job despite it not being her first choice in career.

yes (!!! hmm this is giving me ideas for kokosara angst hc.. after the negotiations are over and peace has somewhat returned between both sides, kkm stabs them in the back, sara hurt by the betrayal and kkm seemingly cold-hearted and stern-faced, unaffected by the situation saying it was all necessary as the divine priestess, the current heiress of sanganomiya, to carry out the will of her ancestors and to sustain the protection of her people in watatsumi but deep down she knows she doesn't want to do this (the same canon wanting to stray away from her lineage). either way, it is too late now. the destruction of the shogun's govt and her vision of eternity was always meant to happen in due time.)

as for kokotao, i think what initially attracted me to their ship is similar to what first drew me to kokosara...

right off the bat, their clashing visuals/aesthetics HAHAHA

hu tao would totally be down to read kkm books as she falls asleep, kkm would do the same too! (if she can get ht to sleep that is lol)

their clashing personalities and way of thinking, ht's chaotic mindset and kkm's well-planned and tactician-like abilities... even their food preferences differ too! (god, reading their voice lines for kkm's least/ht's fave food srsly makes me think they were made for each other)

i think in a modern au (and in genshin too i guess), they'd be great "business" partners. as in, they kind of make up for what the other lacks (in both a domestic and working way) - kkm's strategic skills could be used to bring more customers in for hu tao and hu tao would be able to deal with the social side of kkm's job (just thinking about it makes me swoon, they'd be so in love)

let's be real here, i think kkm would be p easy to tease and ht would have tons of fun pranking her and telling her jokes etc.

in a gameplay perspective, ht loses hp and kkm is a healer !! (aww only true gfs fight alongside each other)

in the same way hydro puts out pyro, kkm can reign ht in when it get's a little too much (but not in a way where she's stopping ht from being who she is if ygm) and vice versa for ht being able to "give" kkm a bit of her own energy

I THINK THEY'D MAKE A FORMIDABLE DUO WHEN PLAYING FPS GAMES (AND LASER TAG/PAINTBALL TOO)

there's probably a lot more but those are my reasons for now haha

[tsukishimaenthusiast]

i have a request for you! but it's a lil different than usual. i sometimes struggle with requests for like specific things, so i thought i'd give you a request with a little more freedom. listen to "Like real people do" by Hozier and write something based off of that. It doesn't have to be Character x Reader, no specific character, just whatever inspires you. I'm super interested to see what you'll come up with! If you choose to write this of course!

like real people do

sorry this is so late !!

just wanna start off by saying i LOVE hozier’s voice but i never really ventured into his discography and idk why cause his music is amazing!!

so at first, i immediately thought of bokuaka…. which is kind of weird to me since i don’t really ship anyone in haikyuu (but sometimes those fanarts be making me sadddd ngl) i think bokuaka shippers are some of the most pure in the hq fandom, though. sometimes i scroll on my timeline and see the fanart and it makes my heart feel so warm because of how cute it is. even for the people who don’t ship them romantically, it’s still hard to argue that their friendship isn’t true or heartfelt. MANGA SPOILERS AHEAD!!! but when we found out that akaashi became amazed by bokuto the minute he laid eyes on him, it made me feel something in my heart. to be honest, i was SO surprised akaashi was getting some character development too cause i just didn’t expect it??? idk why but it threw me off guard ahahah. anyways, the friendship between bokuto and akaashi makes me beyond happy and hopeful and it’s probably my favorite friendship in all of haikyuu.

and when i started listening to the rest of the song, i thought of kyotani… i feel like he’s so MISUNDERSTOOD as a character. if i’m being honest, he probably has one of my favorite background stories and character developments. maybe i empathize with him cause sometimes stuff that happened in the past can still make me angry now/ difficult to work with (which is something i’m trying to fix). i just think he had a rough childhood in terms of volleyball because of how he always wanted every hit he made to be perfect… and kept at that mindset until he reached high school. not to mention that he was trying to do this all on his own..thinking he didn’t need or have the help and support of his teammates:( i’m just glad he realized his team was there for him in that game versus karasuno cause i know his mindset changed afterwards… it’s what my baby deserves. but anyways, i feel like if kyoutani were real and i saw him walking down the street, for sure i would think he looks intimidating and even a bit scary.. but i would also think it’s a front he keeps up for something that happened in the past. and personally, i don’t think you always need to know the reasoning behind why someone is the way they are now.

now i cant tell you guys how or why i thought of these two things because it’s just what came to mind while listening to the song:)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #314

“as above, so below  /  what you reap is what you sow  /  what you give comes back threefold  /  as above, so below”

What do you do for work? I'm currently unemployed. I only get paid now and again to do pictures for people. What would you ideally like to do for work? I'd love if I could just be a photographer. What are you doing in order to achieve this? Practice and shoving my extreme discomfort about it aside and trying to promote myself where possible and not in an overbearing manner. What do you think is the worst being on the planet? "Rapists, pedophiles, abusive people in general." <<<< This. Anyone who disrespects the existence of other and equal people. Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? No. How big an age gap is between you and your siblings? My immediate sisters and I are two years apart. My half-siblings, I don't know. I don't have their ages memorized, but I do know 5+ years, some even 10. Do/did your siblings cause trouble? Not really, we were good kids. What's your dream vehicle? I don't really have one. Are you good at taking care of your finances? What finances? And I don't mean that happily. What's your favorite comic strip? I don't have one. How many people have you texted today? Zero. Someone cheats. Second chance? Nope, byyyyeeeee. Thoughts on kids? Clay that I'm not playing with. Are you a risk taker? No. What are you listening to? I'm currently going through a phase of playing The Evil Within 2's theme nonstop, jc. Is/Was your high schools dress code strict? Not like, mega strict, but it still was overboard. No spaghetti strap shirts, and I even once got in trouble for wearing a floral mesh shirt, despite having a normal tanktop underneath it. It was weird, like no one had ever had a problem with it before, it was just this one teacher that I passed in the hall. Who was the last person to request you on a social media network - and did you accept? Someone I didn't know, so obviously not. Who was the last person’s vehicle that you rode in? Mom's. Who was the last person to make you laugh or smile, and why? Another current obsession of mine: John Wolfe, another let's player who I think is super funny. He said something that made me snicker before I turned on music and started this. Who was the last person that you took a photo with? My half-sister while she was visiting. Who was the last person to pay you a compliment, and what did they say? In group therapy the other day, one of the other women told me that even if I don't believe it, I bring so much positivity to group and she was really happy to be there while I am. I was so so super flustered but flattered, too. Who’s the last person that you visited in the hospital? My mom, following her surgery. Who is the last person that you lent money to? Actually today to Mom. What was the last food that you ate? I warmed up a burger for dinner. What did the last pair of footwear that you wore look like? They're just black flipflops. What was the last kind of bread that you ate? Just plain white bread. What was the last app that you downloaded to your phone? Oh wow, I never do this. I want to say it was a game for my niece. When was your last work shift? I haven't worked in a long time, so idk. When is the last time that you had trouble falling asleep? This is literally every single night. When was the last time you saw a significant other? I ain't got one'a those. When’s the last time that you took a risk? What was the risk? Well, I did say I'm not a risk-taker... Where was the last place that you went on vacation to? You know, how long does it have to be to be considered a "vacation?" I would say not since I went to the beach with an old friend, but it was literally a day. Where was the last place you got lost? uhhhhhhh Why did your last relationship fail? We need to work on ourselves before we could properly support each other and stay in a healthy mindset. Why did you leave your last job? I couldn't handle the stress of serving people and having so many responsibilities at once. How long has it been since you last visited a doctor? How about a dentist? I literally went to the doctor today because I had a follow-up appointment about my weight gain again. I haven't been to the dentist in a few months; I had a normal cleaning my last visit. How big was the last fish you caught? Oh boy, this is stretching years back. It was probably something small, idr at all. Give me the first initial of your last name? D. Something in your home that’s on its last leg(s)? We just moved here, so nothing that's a part of the house itself. As far as items we actually own, idk. Where do you purchase most of your clothes? I haven't gotten new clothes in so long, idk. I would probably say Hot Topic. Describe your skincare routine. I don't have one, if I'm being honest. I just shower. What’s your typical morning routine look like? I don't have one of those, either. The only thing that's consistent is going to the bathroom, eating, and taking my meds. Even brushing my teeth, the time of day when I do that (if I'm not leaving the house) varies. Then it's time to just binge stuff on YouTube and do whatever on the laptop... Are you still playing Animal Crossing? I've never played it, actually. How has the pandemic specifically affected you? It's caused a lot of stress worrying about my mom falling ill, given her being immunocompromised. It's also held me back from searching for another job (even though I don't know what I'd go for, anyway...), because I absolutely refuse to risk bringing Covid into this house by leaving it daily or whatever. What is your main source of anxiety? Being mentally ill, really. It just affects a lot. Any bands or artists you’ve recently discovered? Not very recently, no. What kind of games do you play on your phone? Just Pokemon GO nowadays. Do you have a specific aesthetic? It varies. I love dark, gothic, and gory stuff, but then I also love everything pink and pastel?????? Pastel gore is especially where it's at. Describe the moment you realized you were falling in love with someone. I'd rather not. What’s your favorite sparkling water brand/flavor? I've never even tried it before. What’s your favorite makeup brand/brands? I don't wear nearly enough makeup to be even remotely familiar with any. What’s your all-time favorite movie? It'll probably always be The Lion King. Do you have any subscription boxes? No, but they're cool. What fictional creature would you like as a pet? On deviantART today I actually discovered a fantastic artist who does a lot of HTTYD fanart, and I would say as a dragon lover, Toothless would be soooo great. Have any local businesses closed that you’re sad about? I'm certain tons have closed, but none come to mind. How do you feel about TikTok? I don't feel anything about it. Did you/do you still have a Neopets account? Haha I've had like... two or three at different stages in my life. What were you doing at 9 o'clock this morning? That's actually when (virtual) group therapy starts. Are you wearing any jewelry? Yeah; my piercings (if you count them) and then two rings that I always have on. Are you good at hiding disappointment? No. I'm bad at hiding my emotions because they're so strong. What happened the last time you cried? lmaooo I was finishing watching a The Evil Within 2 LP yesterday, and like, the last hour or so of the game just rips me apart. I was hoping so bad that my mom didn't pass by and ask what the problem was. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? Both would be stunned to know the situation I had with Joel/my former best friend's boyfriend when I was around 12. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on? dARKIPLIER Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world? When all things are considered, like laws, seeing family, etc., somewhere in Canada, or maybe Alaska. Actually, Alaska would be really cool. What after school activities did you do in high school? I didn't have any, if you mean like, school sports and clubs. I did do dance once or twice a week, but it wasn't tied to my school. What’s the last book you really loved? I positively adored The Handmaid's Tale. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? My writing was seen as very exceptional for my age as a kid, but it still would've been awesome if it was even better. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Uhhh I guess ketchup. I use that the most of all options. What is the scariest experience you have ever had? The night of the breakup. It was such an impossible concept to me that I genuinely thought my life was over, that I'd pull the plug at any moment. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office? Oh, hunny, Markiplier lmao. Call it a bias all ya want, but he's just a genuinely incredible person that cares so much for everyone and is so serious about equality and just being a good person. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? It's very hypocritical of me to say, but yes, regardless. Do you own plants? If so, what kind of plants? If not, would you like to grow any? I've never been into growing plants, honestly. Is there a city that you have a particular fondness for? If so, what city is it and why? No, not really. When was the last time that you acted impulsively? Is this a common behavior for you? I dunno, I've gotten better at this. I probably said something I shouldn't have. If you received an allowance as a kid, what kinds of things would you buy with it? Were you more the type to save up for something big, or spend it on little things? I didn't get one. When you cuddle with someone, how do you prefer to position yourself? Would you rather be held, or do the holding? Or both? Are we sitting or lying down? Either way I think I have a tendency to lay my head on their chest while hugging them, and my legs generally curl up. If I'm upset, I definitely feel better and just a greater sense of safety if I'm the one being held, but if the roles are swapped, then I like to be the one doing the holding because I know that's what I want when I'm upset, so treat others how you wanna be treated, y'know. When you woke up today, did you find unread messages from anyone? No. Have you recently told anyone that you miss them? Yes. Can you recall the last time you turned down an offer, of any kind? Mom asked if I wanted to come with her to Ashley's a few days ago, but I said no. I wasn't in a social mood at all. Is there anyone you interact with every day on social media? No. What was the main character's name in the last fictional book you read? Sunny. Have you ever been rejected by a church? No. Is your family nice to you? Yeah. Are you comfortable with your gender? Yeah. What was your favorite Mary-Kate and Ashley film? I don't remember; we had a couple, though. What was your favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. What was your favorite Nickelodeon show? ngl, I don't remember a lot of them and don't feel like looking up a list. Do you still live in the house you grew up in? No. Which Spice Girl was your favorite? I don't remember their names. Do you think you look the best you've ever looked? Oh hell no. Have you been hurt by religion? Yes, honestly. In Truth or Dare, would you rather choose Truth or Dare? I always choose "truth." Have you ever had more than one crush at once? Yeah, I think that's perfectly normal to feel, even for someone monogamous like myself. Just when you establish a relationship, then it's time to make a choice. What social issue do you care about most? This is hard to say with how passionately I hold my opinions, but probably LGBTQ+ rights. It's just... so disgusting to me that I was once homophobic. It's like I want to make up for it. Just the idea of being repulsed by love just because someone has "the wrong thing" in their pants is just... appalling. When was the last time you read a Bible? Many, maaaany years ago I started reading it, but I didn't get very far at all. Do you own a Bible? I personally don't, but I know Mom has one, maybe multiple. Do you discover new music regularly? No; I very much stick to what I know. It's great when I do, though, given that that's how I find new songs to repeat to the grave. What does your first name mean? "Of Britain" or something like that. What country do you live in? U.S.A. Do you believe that gays are born that way? Uh, yes? Who honestly believes a homosexual would *choose* to be in the discriminated minority? People are murdered and abused for simply their sexuality; no sane person would "choose" to risk that torture.

[chloeillustrator]

Post 1: CV & Online Portfolio

The first thing I did after been given this course module was deeply considered what future career I possibly wanted to get into after I finish university for I could use this module to build my client connections and/or my portfolio around this future career and help myself for when I finish university. Thinking hard and looking into the different career paths illustration could take me and remembering past university modules. I realised how much I really enjoyed book illustrating so I looked into that career path, looking online at existing book illustrators such as Dan Santat, and discovered that becoming a children’s illustrator appealed the most to me since I feel like my art style and passions work best for children media. So, going forward into this client studies module, I had the idea of a children’s illustrator in mind.

After talking to the work placement partner Laura, I realised I would need to do some preparations before applying to placements, such as creating a new CV and online portfolio. I have had a CV before but it was very basic and designed more for retail jobs, not illustration work, so I looked on Behance and Guru for existing examples to get some ideas on how to create an illustrator CV.

I discovered I gravitated towards the more graphic CV’s with illustrations instead of photographs, I liked how more unique and personal they felt and how they showed off their art styles and brand. With this in mind, I started to consider what my style and brand was, looking at my artwork I could see a running theme of bright colours, simple lineless art and a child-like charm which suited the children’s illustrator career path I had in mind thankfully; so, I decided to design towards this mindset.

I was unsure how to start but decided that the information was the most important since that is the purpose of the CV so I started to add that onto the page. I quickly realised that this was my first opportunity to make it more personal, so I when onto Calligraphr, downloaded the template and digitally designed my own font using my handwriting. This was fun and was a great skill to learn for the future especially if I want to do children’s book in the future since I won’t have to worry about the copyright of the font and can make it personal and stylised to fit alongside the illustrations.

After putting all the information I wanted to include such as my previous work experience, what software I use and some brief information about myself I realised there wasn’t as much room as I wanted for illustrations. I discovered that layout is not my strongest skill, I couldn’t work out how to layout the text with enough space for illustrations while not making the text hard to read, I tried to use the CV examples I found but I didn’t want to straight-up replicate them since I want my CV to represent my style and stay true to my strengths and weaknesses. I manage to somewhat fix this by cutting down some of the information and just briefly mentioning stuff by name and date only but there still wasn’t much room left. So, I prioritied the illustration I knew I wanted to include, an illustration of myself that show off my art style and the logos of the software I use, after doing this the CV still looked a little plain but I wasn’t sure what other illustrations I could do, so I thought maybe showing off another aspect of my style which was my use of bright colours so getting the colour I like the most that work best together I colour the text in my name and added spots of colour around the text to help separate it and make it more visually interesting; it also helps add to the child-like style I am trying to convey.

Looking back, I think after my experience during this client studies module and having gained more practice with text layout from personal projects, I think I would be able to improve this slightly; change the spots to more solid shapes to frame the text and add more illustrations such as a props/objects like pencils and maybe fun characters that would show off my character design skills. However, I do think this CV does best represent the style I wanted to present and helped me figure out a colour scheme I could use as an artist brand, it gave me more practice with text layout and taught me a new skill (creating a font) that will benefit me greatly in the future. I am also able to use the illustration of myself in the future to represent/market myself and I am happy enough with the final product to send this to future work placements and clients.

Next preparation I needed to do was create an online portfolio before I had just used my Instagram but it never allowed me easily show all my illustrations related to past projects, so using Wix I created an online portfolio in the same style (font & colour scheme) and my CV. I created the main page that shows an illustration from each of my projects, original work and fanart with a title when hovered over it which will lead you to another page when clicked. 

Link to my online portfolio: https://chloeillustrations.wixsite.com/myportfolio

The other page show all the original illustrations and a brief description of the project. I also included an about me page, using the same illustration of myself from my CV and wrote a more detailed bio about myself to give new viewers and clients a better idea of how I am as an artist and person. I kept my portfolio simple and easy to see and navigate for all ages and to keep to my child-like brand. However, I may update it in the future to make the main page a bit more visually interesting and easier to see what each project is without the need to hover over the images but for now, the website works for what I need for this module. I may also fix the placement of the images since some on some of the pages, the images are too large, making it feel cluttered and could detract people away due to how much scrolling is needed to see my illustrations. 

Overall, this taught me a lot, I hadn’t created a portfolio like this before so it was fun to experiment with website layout which slightly improved my basic layout skills, made me look into my past projects and see how much my style has evolved and made me consider who I am as a person and an artist as I wrote the bio; the bio will be helpful in the future when I may need to describe myself again in the future. Creating both the CV and the online portfolio helped me design a style from my brand as an artist and was a nice welcome back to the university course and this client studies module, warming me up for what is to come. Next, it was time to look into work placements now that most of my preparation was finished.

[frain-breeze]

A little change of pace here, but an appreciation post nonetheless.

Things in life can just be...miserable. Y'know? I cant keep up with real life. I'm too sad all the time and I basically have no friends anymore. I got nobody to talk to. what a loser, right? But I swear on my existence Fanboy and Chum Chum gives me hope, a positive mindset, and company when I'm lonely. The whole show has just been so kind to me. It's always there for me. Whenever I'm feeling lower than low, I get lost in a fanfic, browse some fanart, watch an episode, or do some drawing of my own. It just fuels me with love and puts me in a positive mindset. It makes me feel better. Half the time I'm practically living in Galaxy Hills. This show helps me so damn much. So I figured, why not try to get into the fandom. I mean like, I know my presence is kind of small right now, but knowing people are out there creating things and adding onto the world of fbacc makes me feel welcomed and warm. Both the show and the fans are hilarious. The show knows how to hold interest and attention. I know there's an immense amount of hate from people who find it annoying, or too ugly looking from all around the internet and in person. And that kind of worried me that I wouldn't find anyone who shares the passion for it that I do. But there is truly sparks inside of me from the entirety of this show. And all the amazing extras (fanfics, fanart, etc) with it. Every single character makes me feel excited and good about myself. It helps me get out of this crappy place of reality I currently find myself in. And I'm thankful for that with all of my being. If anyone ever wants to talk about it or make jokes or memes, let me know. I'm very open to the whole show and any fan along with it. I already consider you a friend of mine. Literally nothing else makes me happier. I know I may sound silly, but literally FBACC is my happy place. I just thought I'd share because I owe this show a lot. Thanks for reading, You're hella cool 😎

[sheathnknife]

my grayza story (and a love letter to the creators of the grayza fanzine)

High on coffee, bleary-eyed, I had been in the middle of studying for my college finals last night when I casually reached over for my phone, just to check my notifications, and instantly got hit in the face with this: “[PDF] GrayZa Zine”

(Warning: long and emotional rant down below.)

My heart jumped in my mouth, my palms began to sweat, and with a slightly shaky thumb, I pressed on the notification. Now, you may find this to be a bit of an overreaction, but listen- I have been in the Fairy Tail fandom since 2010, and I left the fandom about 7 years ago (wow I feel old), not bothering to continue reading the manga after 400-ish chapters since I quickly realized what a clusterfuck the whole series had become and how OOC my faves were becoming (coughgraycough). Fairy Tail was the first anime I got seriously hooked on (besides Maid Sama). It started my weeb phase. 

It also happens to be the anime that slam-dunked me into shipping hell.

Grayza is the name of that particular hell.

I remember when I first fell in love with Grayza: it was during the Phantom Lord arc, when Erza rested her head on Gray’s chest (you all know what I’m talking about). And then Tower of Heaven happened, as well as Gray’s “I’m taking Erza back! She belongs with Fairy Tail!”. I was a wee lass, and my feelings for this ship were intense. I didn't even know that shipping as a concept existed back then, but I was doing it already- I drew tons and tons of fanart; I babbled to my brother about how beautiful their chemistry was, until he became sick and couldn't stand me anymore; boxes upon boxes of fanart are still piled high in my room, tucked away in a corner. Now that I look at them, they’re cringy, childish, silly, cheesy comics and much much more, but it was all a labor of love. 

Then, I stumbled upon this marvellous site called FanFiction.net. This is where I read my first Grayza fanfic. It was Warm Ice Melting Armour -one of my favorite Grayza fanfics even to this day- by the talented Irrevocable SaaSha. To this day, the first paragraph of that fic is branded in my mind: “She was curled up on the couch like a cat in front of the fireplace, the firelight reflected like liquid honey in her golden brown eyes, red hair spread out around her, like she was lying on a bed of scarlet fire. She was beautiful.”

I was in awe of the writing, starstruck even. I thought it was the most beautiful description I’d ever read. I still think so, even to this day.

And that’s when I decided- I wanted to write like that too.

So Grayza got me into reading and writing fanfiction. And reading and writing in general. English is not my first language, so I struggled. But it was a happy struggle, an endeavour I did not mind making. My first and second Grayza fics were totally abominable, but I was just a kid, eagerly playing around with these two dorks on paper with not a care in the world. I would lie awake in bed in the wee hours of the night, flashlight in one hand and a pen in the other, furiously scribbling away on a tiny notebook, and when I ran out of pages but felt too lazy to get out of bed, I would just write over my doodles.

It was a good time.

Again, my fics were totally shit (so much so that I deleted them many years ago out of embarrassment- a decision which I now regret; I wish I’d kept them up, for nostalgia’s sake), but everyone who reviewed was kind, friendly, encouraging. I talked to other writers, who were a thousand times more talented than little ol’ me but still so cheerful and humble. I badgered them by sending them PM’s asking for writing tips; I sent the daily readers of my fics little sneak peeks of the future chapters in their inboxes; I joined roleplay forums (always choosing Erza). Every once in a while a reader would PM me to tell me how much they loved my fic, how certain chapters made them laugh out loud, and that would melt my heart. 

I received my first hate comment from a Gruvia shipper, and I relished it. 

So basically, Grayza introduced me to fandom. 

I loved this ship with every fibre of my being. I still do. It’s my first OTP. 

Then Mashima fucked everything up. 

Juvia and Jellal got introduced. Gray and Erza’s interactions began to dwindle. I never hoped for my ship to be canon, but Mashima even forgot about their friendship, and that hurt. A lot. I actually like Jellal, and even ship Jerza on the side (just not as passionately as Grayza), but Juvia I did not like at all. I couldn't fathom why the majority of the fandom would ship Gray with her. It baffles me to this day.

And then it became canon.

Well, as canon as Mashima can make a ship, that is. By the time the last chapter came out, I was over Fairy Tail. I had moved on to better things, better media. But being the masochist I am, I still read the chapter (spoiler alert: it was shit). To calm myself and soothe my wounded heart, I went over to FanFiction.net -now a barren wasteland with old fics lazily drifting like tumbleweed and only a small number of new fics trying to emerge through the cracks in the ground- and read an old favorite of mine. 

It was like a soothing pick-me up after a harrowing day. But it was also a little sad, because all of my favorite authors, people I considered mentors and friends, had moved on. Have moved on. It felt like the Grayza fandom had kind of gradually, slowly, silently sputtered, coughed, and died, and I was one of the small numbers of people witnessing it.

Then, the announcement for the Grayza Fanzine came. I was excited, feeling a little bittersweet, as this would be the beautiful, heartfelt sendoff this ship of dreams would deserve. I desperately wanted to contribute, but my midterms were coming up, and I was busy with my studies, so there was no way I could churn out a fic with that mindset. So I mentally wished everyone contributing to the zine luck, and moved on, anticipating for the day I would get that notification on my phone.

 And then I got it.

I actually cried while I went through the zine. The fics, from what I’ve read so far, are all heartfelt and beautiful and managed to hit me in parts of my heart and soul that I thought I’d buried and mourned a long long time ago. The fanarts are all breathtaking. And the layout! I lovelovelove the overlapping blue and red stars scattered over the pages, the snowflakes! 

In the middle of the night, standing next to the kitchen (because that’s the only place where I could charge my phone at the time), with tears in my eyes, I felt like I was holding a gem in my hands. A treasure. And it is.

I couldn’t study after that. My anxieties about college and university had washed away: I felt like a kid again, in love with this ship all over again. For the next two hours, I thumbed through the PDF, marvelling at this labor of love, my heart raw and aching in all the right ways.

So thank you, everyone at @grayza-fanzine​ who made this zine possible. Every artist, every writer, everyone. I might not know any of you, but you all share my love for this wonderful, painful, glorious ship, and I think that is enough.

Thank you so, so much. 

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E21 (June 5, 2018)

Buckle up, keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times... and for the love of everything you hold dear, don’t read the chat. Tonight’s guests are Marisha Ray and Liam O’Brien!

The episode starts with Marisha and Liam fighting over a bowl and then hugging. Brian: “Wait, it was that kind of bowl?”

F̩̤̹̹̞̳j̣͓̝o̶̖͍r̙͚̝̹̪͙͔͘d̪̭͎̮̞͜ ͉̤̖͇̦̗̕b̸͈̳̥̻̳̤̼u̺͔̩̻͚͍s̘͞t͎̼̺̜͉̝̞ ̣͉̯̤s҉͖̯͖ee̜͙̤͕͓̺s ͙̳̘͍̪̳́a͓͓͞l̫̻l҉̩̖̬̰͉̬.̝̖̙͔

Announcements: Vox Machina comic is still on sale, including the limited edition! Winners of fanart of the week will now be hosted on critrole.com! New Instagram account!

@critrolestats​ for this episode: This is the first episode of the new campaign to surpass 4 hours of gameplay (4:07:27); Beau got her 30th Nat 20 in this episode and continues to have the most Nat 20s, with Nott in a distant second place with 19; the Mighty Nein rolled their 100th Nat 20 in this episode (Fjord’s concentration save for Hunger of Hadar); Nott and Beau are tied for the most Nat 1s with 18 each, and Caleb ranks third with 14.

Of all the great stuff in the D&D Beyond ad spot, Liam was least surprised by Sam’s singing, because he knew he had the a capella chops to pull it off; he and Marisha got teary-eyed watching it the first time because of animation style nostalgia (it especially reminded them of Thundercats).

Beau is deeply enjoying having a friend in Jester, especially since she doesn’t seem to question Beau for who she is. “For Beau, it’s like appreciating an adorable little flower.”

Everyone was enamored with Mark and Cali. Marisha: “I loved how cute he was, his appreciation for cute things.” They’re going to try to Skype Mark in on Talks next week to see what his side of the experience was. Brian: “Probably horrible.”

Beau isn’t likely to be too dramatically changed by her near-death experience. "I think Beau was unconscious and then Beau was woken up and was like, ‘This is fine. This is normal, right?’” Marisha talks about how it would’ve been a huge bummer as a player to lose Beau before her backstory even came out.

There’s some speculation as to how long this campaign might be. Liam: “Could be shorter, could be 852 episodes like Naruto.”

Caleb’s passing around of Frumpkin is his main outlet for expressing affection; Frumpkin’s deep importance to him and the significance of handing him off to someone else for even a brief period of time will become more clear with future reveals.

Beau doesn’t think she’s immortal, but she still has the youthful perspective that risk-taking will probably work out. “It’s not that she thinks consequences can’t happen to her, it’s that she thinks they won’t.” Marisha points out that Beau wouldn’t really know how close it came since she was unconscious for most of it.

Gif of the week: Jester casting Speak with Dead and everyone freaking out.

Caleb knows Nott’s laying it on way too thick when it comes to his magical abilities, but he doesn’t want to call her out on it, because he’d feel a bit hypocritical pointing out someone else’s irrational behavior. "Caleb hates himself. Nothing gets through that wall.”

Apart from Caleb, Frumpkin is most comfortable with Nott, despite Nott "eating” Frumpkin twice. After Nott, it’s Jester. Liam: “Laura would kill me if I don’t say Jester.” Marisha: “I thought you’d say Yasha.” Liam: “I was going to say that, but Laura would kill me.”

Beau’s still processing how she feels about not getting left behind despite her worldview that everyone’s basically selfish; she wouldn’t have begrudged them leaving her behind (even if she weren’t dead in that scenario). Once again, it’s hard to reconcile because the players all know how close she was to dying, but that’s not really reflected in the game’s universe (she didn’t even have to roll saving throws; she was just out for a few seconds). Beau knows it was Cali who saved her, because she knows Cali has Levitation.

The parallel between Cali and Caleb’s backstories was most influential earlier, when Caleb warmed to her faster than he might’ve otherwise, but didn’t have much time to percolate and didn’t factor into his actions at the end of the episode.

Fanart of the week: a spectacular Mollymauk!

Beau saw Caleb’s actions as him being cautious, and that was fair and warranted and justified, and Beau knows that more than anybody else (along with Nott), considering she has the peek into his backstory. From Beau and the rest of the Mighty Nine’s perspective, they didn’t see the conversation between Nott and Caleb, and when it came down to it, in Beau’s eyes, having this thing that’s this potentially horrific artifact on their person when they already have the dodecahedron was just going to bring trouble down on them. Marisha: “This isn’t our jam, and if Cali is telling the truth and she is going to destroy this, great! Bonus points for us! If she is lying to us and she does want to go out and talk to Tiamat, I think, in Beau’s head, that’s another adventuring party’s problem. That’s above our payscale. That’s not why we’re here.” As a member of the Cobalt Reserve, she knows exactly how bad this kind of stuff can be. “What are we going to do, go around intercepting every potentially dangerous item that doesn’t have anything to do with us?” She emphasizes that Beau’s not a hero yet and doesn’t have that mindset. “I’m not saying it’s the right choice or the wrong choice, but it’s the character choice. (...) What she was trying to tell Caleb is ‘You had no knowledge that this bowl even fucking existed before Cali came along.’ Beyond that, she was going to go along with it until Caleb suggested holding Cali overnight. Due to stuff that Beau has dealt with in her backstory that unfortunately no one knows about yet” she wasn’t going to let that fly.

Brian talks about how much he admires that Marisha is willing to make bold character choices, especially after so many folks have seemed to enjoy attempting to tear her down for it. “That’s fucking awesome. You’re going to own the shit out of that character.”

Liam: “I want to toss out three ideas about all this, because obviously there’s been a lot of discussion about this, a lot of passion and debate. (...) One, I encourage everyone who watches our show to watch Rashomon. Something happens in the woods, and the movie is three different people telling their account of what happened out in the woods, and every story is totally different. Different people are the hero or the villain depending on who’s telling it. The other thing is that I know that VM was more of a family, and this clusterfuck of a-holes is not. This is not a Sunday School Bible parable class, we’re not an afterschool special, this is a character study of a lot of really messed-up people.” They might end up being role models, but it’s an ongoing arc. “And then the last thing is, this is a game of D&D. If Caleb can’t decide to have a moment, if Beau can’t grab the bowl, what’s the point of Dungeons and Dragons? I don’t care what gripe Caleb and Beau had together. I live in Caleb’s skin, so of course I associate and feel passionate about Caleb’s point of view, but it’s not the only point of view. The point is not to be right, the point is to have fun and get into it.”

Marisha: “I think ‘character study’ is the right way of putting it. We’re uppity actor types. We like making complex characters, and we want to explore that and see what these complex characters do, because people are complex, people are complicated. You hear a lot of people complaining about contradictions. I mean, yeah, have you ever had a Facebook post pop up from two years ago like, ‘Remember when you said this two years ago, you dumb shit?’ You’re allowed to be upset at our characters, and you should, and I think that’s why we as actors have jumped into this profession, is because we like making people feel things.”

Brian paraphrases Melville: “A great moment is about the opposite of what it appears to be about.” He points out that this wasn’t about a bowl, it was about what was in the rearview mirror for both characters. “Ultimately, it’s the stuff that brings you guys closer together.” He talks about how it’s probably harder for viewers to watch that after Vox Machina, given that they were more in the flawed-but-noble vein as characters.

Liam: “Caleb is trying to make good with the group and (laughs) is not doing a good job of it. He obviously saw the extreme parallel between [his and Cali’s] backgrounds. Because of the things that she was dealing with, he put on a different pair of sunglasses to watch her and make sure everything was fine.” At the end, even Caleb knew it was probably over-the-top, but he’d found out this thing and was awkwardly trying to communicate that to the rest of the group. “Caleb thinks that he’s a broken bag of glass that everybody doesn’t want to touch, and he’s right.” Even in a moment when he thought he was doing what the group wanted, he couldn’t do it right. “He’s been in a fucking asylum for eleven years.” In the moment, in his mind, he didn’t think his trauma had anything to do with his actions, and didn’t understand why that was being brought into it, and just disengaged. “Another thing with Caleb is that he doesn’t need, in this group, to feel like people respect him or think he’s cool; Caleb thinks that he is a piece of shit, so this is just confirming what he unconsciously wants. All he needs to do is learn more and grow, so if he needs to just shut up and deal with it, as long as they’ll keep him around, fine, because he just needs things that he hasn’t had access to for five years.” He’s getting what he wants out of this group: he’s getting that unconscious need to be told he’s a fuck-up.

Liam on Beau: “She is talking from her experience, she has nothing to do with what happened to him, she is not responsible for him, he doesn’t want pity from anyone, he barely knows how to accept what Nott is doing. So everyone get off her back. Caleb is where he wants to be, which is moving towards his goal.”

Caleb’s latest actions were too similar to someone with authority that Beau had trouble with in the past. Beau bringing up Caleb’s trauma was speaking directly to that point, which she and Liam have since talked about offscreen.

Marisha doesn’t think at all that this has destroyed Beau and Caleb’s relationship beyond the point of no return: “I don’t think that’s how conflicts between friends work. Honestly, I was stoked after all this, because I thought this was a breaking point that maybe we were all waiting for.” She also thinks it opens up an organic way to bring Beau’s backstory into the limelight, and she thinks having some of this out in the open will bring the group closer together. It’s tough for her to analyze that episode because nobody has all the information behind Beau’s reasoning yet. Brian points out that it can be really refreshing to be surrounded by people who call you out on your bullshit. “Those moments create respect.” Liam mentions that there is no friendship yet, because they haven’t known each other that long, but that this confrontration could be the beginning of a real friendship between Caleb and Beau. Marisha points out that it’s very much “I wouldn’t get mad at you if I didn’t care.”

Marisha mentions that she’s used to being cautious where she treads on the internet after an episode like this, but “if you’re upset at Caleb or you’re upset at Beau or you’re upset at Fjord for holding the sword to Caleb’s throat, I think art and acting and media and these stories are there to teach us about ourselves, and why we get these emotions towards these certain things. Liam and I have been talking all weekend about how fascinating the Team Beau vs. Team Caleb discussions have been.” Liam: “It can only come from people being deeply invested.” Marisha: “They care. And we’re truly blessed to be a part of something that people feel that passionately about.” 

Brian: “There’s a difference between a conversation and lashing out between the actors.” Liam: “Just know that we’re playing strange people on purpose.”

Talks Machina After Dark (It’s Machine-a)

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh dear.

Marisha talks about how fun it can be to experience DMs who aren’t Matt, because at this point they all fall into the habit of trying to over-analyze his tells. “In my opinion, different DMs are like different teachers. Each one teaches me a different thing, and I love it.”

Marisha does her accent from the Stream of Many Eyes. Liam: “Casting director Liam is listening.” Marisha: “Oh, God! No! I’ll never work again!”

Liam and Marisha talk about how essential it is that they (and the rest of the cast) know each other so well and trust each other so much, so they can play out and explore those conflicts safely. Marisha: “There isn’t necessarily supposed to be comfort in conflict. It’s not going to be comfortable. I think it does take a more experienced roleplayer to make sure they can tread those waters safely, because there is care, and you do have to have personal care and after-care.” The two of them checked in afterwards, and all of them have been doing so since the first campaign to make sure they’re on the same page and feeling okay about what happens on-screen.

Liam talks about how embracing failure goes beyond rolling 1s or having bad things happen to characters. He legitimately was not paying attention when he nearly cast the spell that would’ve killed Beau, and appreciates that there’s enough of a rehearsal feel in the game to allow for those imperfections when they do arise. Marisha: “Yeah, thanks for not killing me, man.” Liam, deadpan: “It’ll happen.”

Swoleregard. Jumbeau. Beaulossus. Beaugantic. Dani: “Beauyasha.” Liam: “That’s a different thing. That’s not my job, to worry about that.” Dani: “It’s my job.”

Caleb is terrible at accents, terrible at impressions, terrible at musical impressions, but okay at singing (because he speaks Celestial). Marisha: “I think Beau would be full-on drumline.”

When they were going into a show for the stream this weekend, the whole audience broke into the D&D Beyond theme song. Marisha: “It was... it was so surreal.” Liam talks about how he keeps starting to sing it without thinking, then inevitably segues into another Sam song that goes “put your finger in my butt”.

[arbitrarilymine]

Tuesday, 04.06.2019, 22:24

Liking something can be such a huge motivation. And such a big motivating factor to just learn and do things. Like -

Because I like dolls, I:

Figured out, at the age of 15, how to buy things online without a bank account or credit or debit card. (The answer is, buy through group orders, or someone else doing the order, and request to pay in cash.) But also, when I did get a bank account (and still no card), I figured out how to get paypal (properly, not the fake your age method), and how to buy things and get them shipped to me without my parents knowing (send it to a friend)

Figured out how to do faceups with online forum tutorials. Back then, photo and text explanations were the norm, video tutorials weren’t really a thing. But anyway, a totally new skill picked up. It’s helpful to have drawn alot before this, but still, pastel and painting were new grounds for me.

Figured out what a respirator is, why it matters, and how to use it properly

Figured out a way to manage my expenses (done on excel) even though back then it was just doll related

Figured out how to sew because I didn’t have the money to buy them clothes. Figured out how to make patterns even though I’m still not really sure how to do it. Also learnt how to use the sewing machine from my mum though I’m not that good at it.

Figured out how to sand and mod a doll. Sanding from rough to smooth grit, what to use, how to sand with water so I don’t get so much dust

Figured out how to remove faceups using isopropyl alcohol and acetone, and where to find such stuff in Singapore

Learnt how to take photos, decided to learn more using a DSLR

Figured out how to use photoshop to edit photos and the effects in it way before I did started doing Architecture

Started making videos on youtube because I wanted more doll videos

Figured out how to cut wigs, furwigs and fibre wigs alike, to make the hairstyles I wanted my OCs to have

Figured out how to make costume jewelry for dolls, with simple tools bought off the shelf

Because I like Kpop (Infinite, Monsta X, Block B, Exo...), I:

Figured out how to make gifs in one day using online tutorials (already had photoshop skills then, which helped)

Started writing fanfic and now I have 4 years of fanfic written (a total 82 works, 453491 words published online, and there’s more in my drafts)

Through fanfic, learnt how to make stories that are appealing, did alot of research on tropes, different genres of story, different ways of story telling (kishotenketsu aka plot without conflict, which is different from the usual western way of plot with a distinct conflict etc). I figured out that I like slice of life alot for it’s mundane-ness, but also vampire fics alot. And that any sort of relationship with imbalances in power dynamics is not my jam. What I like and what I like to read have similarities but don’t overlap exactly. I also learn what polyamorous relationships are and generally a lot of lgbtq+ relationship dynamics and things that I don’t really get in traditional media

Made a ficfest with two online (Singaporean) fans for Infinite to encourage people to write more fics. Sure, we weren’t very successful but we tried really hard and we did this for almost a year, got a few authors to write a few stories, and we ourselves made over 50 moodboards for inspiration

Started looking at exercise as something positive, like, if the people I like enjoy exercising so much, and talk about its benefits, maybe there’s something in it for me. The biggest inspiration was Wonho who went from scrawny kid to buff dude but like, still remained really kind-hearted and soft and just, this whole combination wasn’t something I really learned to value from the way I was brought up, but it was an attitude I really admire regardless. And I learnt that I have the capacity to be moved by things like this, and to also adjust the biases or inherent assumptions I have

Did alot of research on BDSM and kinks and a lot of non-traditional things that I think I was always interested to know about and felt okay about actually reading up and knowing and writing and reading and discussing such things in a community of writers who did similar stuff. And realised there’s so much more in the dynamics behind these kinks, why people have them, how people can engage in them safely, what are safe practices and good practices, and just, having that knowledge also brings with it a better awareness of how similar power dynamics affect normal (unkinky) relationships

In a similar train of thought, to reserve judgement when I see people write or know or whatever certain things, because you can know something, write it, but not necessarily be agreeble to it (that’s why warning tags agree. It conveys self-awareness without telling the writer, no, you can’t write about this touchy taboo topic)

Learnt how to think horizontally when writing fics

Learnt how to get a beta to read my fics, or even why test readers (and cheerleaders) are important in a project like writing a fic. It’s my name on that fic but it’s with the help of alot of people sometimes, and that’s also why community matters

Thought about fandom, private spaces in online spheres and also constructive critique and non-constructive criticism and feedback on creative work

Read up on copyright laws, both for image use for moodboards, fanart and fanfic rights and ownership and whether one can make money off of it

Because I liked piercings, I:

Did research on how to get them safely, so so much research. From videos, from articles. Trying to figure out what’s credible, what’s not

Got piercings, also realised how biased I can be when someone has piercings. It’s a positive bias and completely groundless, like I see someone with piercings, it’s like +2 impression points or something, like I don’t know why. But it’s definitely something I should be aware of because of how seemingly groundless it is

Because I like unnaturally coloured hair, I:

Learnt how to bleach my hair with youtube tutorials and articles and learnt the dangers of doing so before I did it

Learnt how to dye my hair myself, how to transition between shades of cool and warm colours

Experimented and figured out the rest by actually dyeing my hair, enlisting the help of dorm mates

Learnt that purple is a colour that never shows up on my hair, maybe unless I bleach my hair to almost white

Learnt that I am/behave like a slightly different person with a different hair colour, and that such things affect not just my mood but how I perceive myself. And unnatural hair colours make me feel fun, but more importantly, that I can have them means I have time for myself (to dye my hair and to maintain it), and that kind of mindset is something I miss right now with my natural hair colour

Learnt that I am more open to change and okay with people talking about my hair than I thought, and that it’s fun to keep changing, but also maybe necessary for my psyche, to avoid feeling stagnant and boring

Because I like Peppertones, I:

Set up a tumblr and a blog for them in a day (helped that I’ve had a blogspot and tumblr account for ages before for other things)

Figured out a way to translate Korean songs to English even though my Korean is really really really basic. Like I can read Hangul, I can understand some words, but I can’t really write properly sentences by myself. But despite this, I wanted to know what their song lyrics are so much that I figured that I can use my ability to check a dictionary, my ability to read Chinese (so many things have Chinese translations compared to English), my cross referencing skills, and my Sec 2 literature inference skills to translate their songs despite my language incompetency. And so far I’ve modified 2.5 songs (i.e. added onto existing English translations to make it more accurate) and properly translated 1.5 songs with Chinese lyrics for reference. And there’s more songs in my drafts.

Figured out how to navigate Naver with mostly ctrl-c and ctrl-v of keywords

Compiled playlists of their live performances by individual songs, and created masterlists of their appearances and performances

Looked into Search Engine Optimisation to see how my peppertones blog can be more searchable for people like me who wanted translations of their songs, realising that blogspot is way more indexable than tumblr and finally understanding after so many years why my blogspot doll blog would show up on google image searches while my tumblr never really did

What I’m saying is, like things. Love things. Let your heart do what it wants. And then let these serve as your spark, your driver, and your direction (if for a little while). Let them inspire you, let them bring you to action, and let them remind you a little of why life is worth living. So much of this is not necessarily apparent at first glance because a lot of times, what we like may seem so trivial and trite and pointless, but the energy it offers can be so much more. I’ve learnt and picked up so many things along the way because I liked something so much that I HAD to learn something to do what I wanted to, and I cobbled my way to learning it with whatever available skills I have, and to research the heck out of whatever I didn’t know. And that is such a valuable lesson. 

I got a bit caught up in the details while listing some of the things above, but I just wanted to write down what I could before I forget. Obviously if we want to assess, some of these skills are probably more valuable than others. But the point is, all these are things and skills and abilities and learning experiences that can be picked up, and built upon, and they don’t exist in isolation. And maybe the tiny pieces don’t make particularly good sense at this moment, nor do they seem particularly useful, but like leaves falling, over time they’ll make a pile, and if you like something enough, that’s going to be a big pile of leaves, and it’s up to you what you want to do with that.

Me? I’m going to make a bed to lie on with that pile of leaves with my mediocre sewing skills and listen to all the songs I like.

[moonbabiie]

2012-2018 both done on paint tool SAI I used to love art so much, I didn't mind that I was mediocre because I enjoyed the thrill of getting better. I loved learning new techniques and absorbing all that I could from artists on deviantart and Tumblr that I looked up to. When I was a freshman in high school my dad bought me my first Wacom tablet and I was so fuckin jazzed. I probably spent 6 months worth of cumulative hours holed up in our home office doodling silent hill fanart and lurking around DA, practicing practicing practicing, always posting everything I created. I wanted critique and praise and any kind of attention I could get. I loved it more than anything. After graduating, after falling victim to a slew of illnesses, I unfortunately couldn't find solace in art anymore. To me it just seemed like another thing I wasn't good at (and by good I mean perfect). I moved out of my parents and my dad wouldn't let me take the tablet, sketchbooks became dumping grounds for scribbled angsty poetry and self deprecating messages to myself. About once a year I'd sit down and really put my mind to it, usually ending up in a drawing I fawned over for a few days, then forgot about. I'd ride the high of remembering I'm a decent artist with a stupid amount of potential, then when I tried to create something new, and it didn't look exactly how I pictured it, I would convince myself to give up. After giving recovery a chance, and when I started to feel more like my old self, I decided to buy myself a new tablet. A crappy little Wacom from amazon. When it arrived, I was scared and intimidated, putting too much pressure on myself again. I didn't take it out of the box for a few weeks. When I finally mustered up the courage to give it a go, I was (predictably) devastated when I couldn't remember how to use SAI, and once again, forfeited. My SAI trail expired and my tablet began to collect dust. I hated looking at it. Why was I wasting the literal one and only thing I'd ever stuck to, the only thing I treated as a hobby, the only thing people knew me by. Why was I so scared? Why did my only healthy coping mechanism give me such crippling anxiety? It took me a long time to figure out how terrified I am of failing. Not specifically at being a talented artist, but just with my life in general. I'm finally in a place in my life where things are starting to balance out. I have a good job, a wonderful boyfriend, a beautiful house, and a strong support system. It all feels so fragile, though. I'm realizing that I've become more anxious since things started looking up. The constant lingering fear that all of these good things I don't feel like I deserve are going to disappear and I'll be left alone again overwhelms me every second of the day. When I was slowly killing myself a few years ago, I didn't care what happened in the future, because I didn't expect to be present for it. I didn't give a shit if I failed because to me I already had, and there was no going back, the damage was done and there was no possibility of undoing it (a very dangerous mindset, don't ever let yourself get there, you are never broken beyond repair, it is never ever too late to get help) so why worry? Now, I look forward to the future, I'm curious where it's going to take me, which is... terrifying. Going from the mindset that there is a strong possibility you may not wake up in the morning to actively working on going to college, hoping to get married and maybe one day have kids, is the scariest and most wonderful thing I've ever experienced. I drew the picture on the left about 2 weeks after I'd graduated high school. I remember hiding in my room at my dads old house, his drinking was starting to get particularly bad around this time. I remember being proud enough to post it on Facebook. I remember the warm feeling of checking my notifications and seeing 33 likes. She was the first thing I'd drawn in a year or so, and I loved her. She was the last thing I drew for about 5 years. The picture on the right is a work in progress. I just started her tonight. I've named her Effie and I think she may be a reoccurring OC. I know this is an obnoxiously long post for a progress update, I'm hesitant to post it at all because it sounds so dramatic and preachy, but I'm feeling happy tonight, and I think it's reflecting in Effie. You can clearly see when I'm doing well in the content I create. I made her in my new home office that I share with my boyfriend, while my best friend sat on the guest bed and chatted and laughed with me for the entire four hours it took me to get to this point in the drawing. I feel very lucky to be where I am, and I should show my gratitude by making art.

[writer-and-artist27]

10Q x a billion

Tagged by: @owlsofstarlight

Put under the cut for the sake of not being long.

1. What’s one genre you really love the idea of, but are disappointed when you go to read/watch it?

Romance, because so many harem shows and so on just make it way too dramatic and painful to get through. Aside from Cardcaptor Sakura and stories like @langwrites‘ Catch Your Breath, which did amazing Slow Burn, I rarely go into Romance genre stuff.

2. Feelings about fire in general? (where my fellow pyros?)

Neutral. As long as it can help keep the house warm and cook food, I’m good.

3. Which of your OCs is the kinkiest?

In terms of hints/innuendos? Hikari, since she does tease Judai on occasion when they’re alone. Of course, this happens when Tomoko is not around. Hisako does troll Tomoko a little bit herself, but not in that category since sex-related stuff is very iffy for Tomo in general.

4. What is the one thing you most want a fan to say someday?

“Could I draw fanart for you?” or “I was hoping if I could write a fanfic of your fanfic?”

I’d be squealing all day if that happened.

5. Which OC do you think readers will like the most?

From personal opinion? Tomoko, Hisako, and Hikari, since those three ladies stand out so much in CP and in S&S. From what I’ve seen of FFN reviews though, Hikari’s the Ensemble Darkhorse, and that’s awesome.

6. Were your OCs born naturally, with pharmaceutical assistance, or via c section?

Aside from Hisako, because Nobody status for Tomoko, all my OCs were born naturally. I honestly think Judai was the only one that came from c-section, because his mother (and in turn, Tomoko’s paternal grandmother) suffered from some health problems. I can’t expand on it aside from that because I haven’t exactly thought about Judai’s parents. For as long as Judai himself knew, he was an orphan.

7. What is the single emotion that is the absolute hardest for you to write? (loneliness, loss, hopelessness, joy, etc)

Seething anger to the point of extreme action. I can get close with my empathy and sympathy to many different emotions, but anger in that level (where a character might even kill or something) is something I can’t imagine. Nor the simple mess that is Orochimaru’s craftiness, because all he is in my head is a pedophile snake that deserves to die.

8. If your OC were a cookie, what sort of cookie would they be?

Tomoko would be a sweet red velvet cookie. Hikari would be macademia nuts, Judai a chocolate chip protein cookie (because ninja status), and Hisako would be peanuts and M&Ms.

Tomoya, on the other hand, I see being birthday cake, because she’s still figuring out who she is past her assigned male gender.

The Hitoshi family would all be oatmeal cookies that got badly burnt in the oven. :d

9. How important do you think it is to describe a character’s appearance?

Pretty important, but not so much to where you dedicate entire pages to them. The reader should get an idea of how they look, but also leave some room for interpretation/fanart opportunities. Hence why when I do describe appearances in writing, they’re simple and sweet so that art has a leeway to come in.

10. And, spitballing off that, which OC do you think is the prettiest?

Right now? Hikari, since she can rock almost any outfit. Also helped by how she makes her own clothes. Tomoko is still growing, but she’ll get there.

11. Your absolute most evil OC is startled by a toaster popping. What happens next?

Mamoru (the original Drunk Guy) would kinda smash it with an alcohol bottle. Only for Natsumi to go on and yell at him because that was still a perfectly okay toaster. Satoru would be rolling his eyes and heading out the window to avoid another argument on his parents’ parts.

12. One of your OCs is in a Disney animated movie. What’s the “big” song of that movie? (Pocahontas’ was “Colors of the wind,” Aladdin was “A Whole New World,” Hercules was “Zero to Hero” etc.)

If it was Tomoko, the song would be Let’s Just Live from RWBY Volume 4. Simple as that.

For Hisako, it’ll be Neon, also from RWBY, this time being Volume 3.

For Hikari, it would probably be Taylor Davis’s violin cover of My Heart Will Go On from Titanic.

Judai naturally gets Teardrop by BOWL.

Tomoya would probably get something like Mirror Mirror, Part 2 from RWBY Volume 3.

13. Do you think having to write while stuck out in the wilderness by yourself (in a heated cabin, food and water but no wifi, tv, or phone service) would help or hurt?

I think it would help for a while, since I get peace and quiet, not to mention my laptop already having offline editing accessible. But after a few weeks, I would just get worried about how to get back to my family, since I’m still living with them and I love them very much.

Leo and Josh would probably be the first ones to blow a gasket out of worry about me, aside from my Mom and Dad.

14. You have written or thought about writing dirty fanfiction. What is it?

…Really? You’re asking this? From the sex-repulsed, demiromantic?

Well, I thought of fanfics where an adult Tomoko and Kakashi went and did it, but got too much second-hand embarrassment to even think of writing. I’m not even going to bring Kei into this, because Lang kinda had to witness my reaction to the revelation of Kei and Kakashi’s relationship going sexual by OSF firsthand last year, and it’s sorta painful to look back on because getting triggered sucks.

15. Someone offers you thirty million dollars to ghostwrite a book about how Hell is real and all dogs go there, good or bad. Do you do it?

Nope. My uncle has a sweet Corgi dog by the name of Yuko, and I do not want to think about a story where all dogs go to Hell. Yuko deserves better, and I can get the money elsewhere. If anything, I’d just point at that person with a blank face, say, “You’re just a scam,” and walk off.

16. You will automatically get a million dollar contract for anything you write, but it has to be at least five thousand words long AND you can only use as many letters of the alphabet as complete pullups you can do. How does that work out?

I’d have to exercise more, because I do more push-ups and rollerblading than pull-ups. So no. I’d prefer writing for fun, not for the money.

17. Your dog turns into a person and writes a book about your lives together, and it gets turned into a movie. During the premiere of the movie, your dog turns to you and tells you that Hell is a place of our own making. What kind of popcorn do you order?

I would order a medium popcorn with extra butter. And I don’t think I should worry about the dog part since I actually don’t have a dog. The only dog I interact with is the aforementioned Yuko, and she’s too sweet to say something like that.

18. What’s a genre of fiction you don’t think you’d ever get the hang of writing?

Smut, because sex-repulsed demiromantic here. And any despair-inflicting stuff since I know fluff runs in my veins so much better, hence why I’m still surprised about the Danganronpa crossover that’s been going in my head. Hell, the things my head has come up with for S&S Tomoko past the Memory Arc have been less than cheery, and I have to thank Lang and by extension, Os and Abalisk for getting me out of that mindset many times, because the things she has coming up hurt.

19. How similar is your story world to the Earth we live on?

Aside from the ninja and feudal Japan-like aspects, pretty similar. The only thing Tomoko misses is freedom of speech and democracy, because despite America’s flaws, it did allow Vy’s parents to immigrate and find better lives to meet each other.

20. What inspired any of your WIPs?

Catch Your Breath. I’ve said it enough already, and owe Lang many things.

21. What song best explains the squad in your WIP?

Let’s Just Live from RWBY. Because it’s the main theme for CP in my opinion, and going onto S&S, the message of moving forward is something I think everyone in the squad tries to aspire towards.

22. Do you use Pinterest for your characters/stories?

I have a Pinterest account, but I don’t use it. It’s kinda clunky, and Tumblr and FFN has been shown to be better in my opinion.

23. Do you have an Asshole character?

The entire Hitoshi Family. Even if Satoru hasn’t shown up in S&S (because all the flack surrounding him in his initial arc in CP was bad enough), the family’s bad.

24. What superhero is similar to or is idolized by your OCs?

I feel like Tomoko would idolize Starfire and Wonder Woman, since both had to deal with coming to new worlds and adjusting to life with new people. Not sure on the others though. Judai might sympathize with Batman, but aside from that, I’m blanking.

25. Do your protagonist and antagonist get along?

Nope. Tomoko would probably want to yell her head off at Madara for being so stupid in her opinion, and grab her Wayfinder to slash Black Zetsu with. Hisako agrees with the Zetsu sentiment, but would probably want to kill Madara more than yell at him.

Danzo on the other hand, is someone Tomoko and Hisako haven’t exactly encountered. Judai, though, would want that bastard as far away from his family as possible, since Danzo has offered Judai a place in ROOT back before he met Hikari. It was not pretty, to put it lightly.

26. How many of your current WIPs do you plan to publish, if you are publishing?

I’ve published most if not all of my WIPs on FFN. I don’t know about cross-posting on AO3, since it’s a pain in the butt, but yeah. The Danganronpa thing should come out when I get more chapters of S&S done, and when I finish the anime.

27. Is there a song that inspires you to write, or inspired any of your WIPs?

Let’s Just Live comes up yet again in this long post, but I also have to credit many of Kyle Landry’s piano covers of Kingdom Hearts, because his work on the already great soundtrack gave me the idea to make Tomoko into a pianist in the first place.

28. What trends do your OCs use/wear/etc.?

Anime-inspired kimono stuff. And casual, comfy wear that’s simple and pleasing.

29. Do you listen to music or ambiance while you write? Or just silence? If it’s music, what genre?

When I need to write somber moments, I use silence while sitting in a corner of my room. For everything else, I bring up piano music to keep up the theme of CP having piano themes.

30. Are any of your characters sassy?

All of them can be sassy in some ways, but the people that really dominate the “sassy” category have to be Hikari, Tomoya, and Hisako. Those three can really rip into someone if they want to.

31. How did you come up with the idea for your current WIP?

For CP? The simple question of, “What if Kakashi had a best friend from the near beginning?”

For S&S, though? “How would things be better or worse for Kei if she met Tomoko and they worked together?”

32. How long have you been working on your current WIP?

CP: a little over a year.

S&S: nearing a year, since its first anniversary is coming up in 2 months.

33. Are you planning to publish your current WIP?

Uh, they’re already up on FFN if that’s what you mean. Because honestly, I don’t see myself writing past fanfiction.

34. If your MCs were youtubers, what kind would they be? (ex. vlogger, artuber. booktuber, comedy, etc.)

Tomoko would be like Kyle Landry in putting up various piano covers of the songs she finds.

Hisako would be half comedy, half vlogger/booktuber as she comments on the many things she sees in Tomoko’s head and through Tomoko’s eyes. The booktuber part comes from Hisako’s home being Tomoko’s mental library, so she might be reviewing the books/memories that come her way while in front of the camera.

Hikari would probably be another musician, teaming up with Judai on occasion to be like the real life Videri String Quartet, only as a duo because they both handle stringed instruments.

Tomoya would probably put up piano covers like Tomoko, but also film advice videos for those who are trying to transition like she is.

35. What season do you associate with each of your characters, and why?

Hikari is spring, since she brings along the most cheeriness in the house when Tomoko can’t.

Tomoko is autumn, since she picks up the pieces after summer passes.

Tomoya is winter, since she’s still unsure about herself and trying to find her way in the world.

Hisako and Judai both share summer, since they can be pretty hot-headed when it comes to people they care about.

36. Is there one scene that you are particularly excited to write, or had a lot of fun writing?

In terms of scenes I’m excited to write:

CP has me waiting for Kakashi’s ANBU arc to come by, since Tomoko and Kakashi are already in a relationship at this point, and I’ll be able to flesh out both civilian and ninja sides since the two are going to be kinda separated as a result of ANBU forcing Kakashi to get his own apartment in the ninja barracks for security purposes.

For S&S, I’m looking forward to the Commencement and Memory Arcs, since October Tenth and Sorayama were two events that really impacted Kei’s life originally in CYB. Tomoko being there will lead to significantly different emotional aftermaths, so exploring that has me shaking in my shoes (in the good way).

In terms of scenes that I had fun writing…

CP had Kakashi buying his signature outfit for Kannabi in Chapter 42, because Tomoko (the innocent dork) is finally starting to recognize for real that she loves her best friend and honestly doesn’t want him to die while in the field. Also for Hikari being that fashion badass that I wanted her to be.

S&S had Tomoko’s bulging duffle bag of things in Chapter 16, since that was something I had in mind since the beginning of the brainstorming stages for the story, because Kei’s shown that she can be reckless already. Our civilian pianist, on the other hand, takes things to a completely different level, and I’m kinda sad no one commented more on that scene in the reviews anyways.

37. What would the ship name be for your favorite romantic pairing in your WIP?

For CP? KakaTomo, taking the first 2 syllables from Kakashi and Tomoko’s names to get this.

For S&S? It’s a crack and sunk ship at this point, but KeiTomo kinda grew on me since writing S&S.  More so since Tomoko has been shown in S&S to be very dedicated to Kei in a way that’s different from her CP counterpart’s love for Kakashi. It would’ve been pretty interesting to explore, but talks with Lang confirmed it wouldn’t exactly work (as KeiRin shippers from CYB can probably attest to), but thoughts of it are cute to think on.

38. Are you a planner, or a pantser, or in the middle?

In the middle. I plan, but also leave enough holes for the characters to fill in with their actions.

39. What’s your favorite detail that you put into your worldbuilding?

All the family relations between the characters and how a simple network of loved ones can easily make so many changes in the Narutoverse. I’m still happy about how everyone on FFN was so receptive to the CP version of Kannabi, because that was planned from the very beginning of the story. To know that all the build-up, family and fluff moments and all, showed the natural progression of how a canon-doomed mission turned into one that was mostly heartwarming and partly bittersweet.

40. How long are your chapters, usually?

From 5k to 10k words on average. The most I’ve done, I think, is 14k words.

41. If you could meet one of your characters, who would it be?

Tomoko, since I’d be able to assure her that everything will be okay and that she doesn’t have to worry too much.

42. If you could meet any fictional character (not yours), who would it be?

Kei, since Kei’s a dork, and I think I’d be able to get her to relax a bit more by introducing all of RWBY to her and updating her on what’s happened since her past self’s death.

43. Which character is the most fun to write?

Hisako, because she’s a nicer version of Monokuma. She can say so many things that Tomoko just doesn’t say, and without any consequences.

44. Which character is the most painful to write?

To be honest, Judai, since I’m still lurking on his Interlude that expands his backstory leading up to Tomoko’s birth, and trying to make all the Yugioh GX elements transition into Naruto-terms hasn’t been easy.

45. What are some of your favorite tropes?

You Are Better Than You Think You Are, You Are Not Alone, Glomp, and True Companions.

46. What genre is your favorite to read? What genre do you usually write?

Hurt/Comfort as well as a good Mystery mixed with Fantasy are my favorites to read. For genres I write, it’s obviously Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, and Fluff.

47. Earbuds or headphones?

If given an absolute choice, earbuds because portability, but both are fine.

48. What made you want to write what it is you’re currently writing?/ What was that first spark of an idea?

As I’ve said many times before, Catch Your Breath from Lang. The next spark was actually Inoue Shiori by Hermionechan90, since her take on civilians and their relationship with ninja got me thinking.

49. What are your project’s main themes or undertones? (Yes, I do really like this question)

“Keep Moving Forward for Yourself and the People that Care for You.”

“Don’t give into your own doubts — use them as a motivation to improve yourself.”

Also, quoting Madoka from the last episode of the TV series:

“If someone tells me it’s wrong to hope, I will tell them that they’re wrong every time.”

50. Which of your characters do you relate to the most, or has the most of ‘you’ worked into them? And what aspect of you is this? (If you’re comfortable with sharing).

Tomoko obviously has the most of “me” worked into her, because of her status as an SI-OC. The biggest aspect though? Her heart, emotions, and desire to help others. That’s something I still share with her greatly, despite maturing, so seeing her grow as been a wonderful thing to witness.

51. What are the main points of inspiration/original concepts or aesthetics behind your main characters?

There’s a reason why I keep turning back to Let’s Just Live, because it shows just how much aesthetic these characters take from the song and in turn RWBY. You shouldn’t give up just yet, even when life is unfair. You have to keep moving forward, because the ones who have passed on and loved you would’ve wanted you to. If you can’t live for yourself, live for the people that are still alive and that still love you. That’s why I believe Chapter 13 of CP and Chapter 9 of S&S are still so powerful, because it’s something that Sakumo and everyone else needed to hear, and why it still stays despite all this conflict.

52. What’s your favorite quote from your project so far?

From Tomoko herself:

“Don’t take the coward’s way out. Face your pain, your mistakes, head on, and recognize what happened. You can’t change the past, but you can change the present. The future. Don’t start to cherish something when it’s long gone. Recognize what you have now, and treasure it with your life. Remember all the positive moments you’ve had, all the people you’ve loved, and just live. Don’t fear loss or pain. Take it in, endure it, and use it to help others. Because in the end, life is a gift, but short, and with the world the way it is, wouldn’t it be better to impart love and care to our loved ones before the inevitable?”

53. What’s your favorite book and why?

Don’t know if I have one aside from manga and fanfiction.

54. Do the books you like/ genre you read influence your writing style at all?

Yep. Cardcaptor Sakura was all about fluff and positive relationships, for one thing. I can’t list more off the top of my head right now, but that’s a big one.

55. Do you have a weird writer thing? Like a habit or obsession or something that’s just generally unusual when it comes to scribbling words?

Sometimes, when I’m really stressed, I just put on my headphones and pull up hairbrushing ASMR videos, because the sound of hairbrushing is surprisingly relaxing and nice when I need to get into the right working-mood.

56. Are you a hand-writer or a screen-typer?

Screen-typer.

57. What’s your favourite character from a text you’ve been forced to study and why?

Surprisingly, even though I haven’t finished the book yet, Werther from Goethe’s The Sorrows of Werther stands out, because he’s the first male protagonist I’ve seen in historical texts that is so emotional and open, and considering how my HUM professor likens his development to that of the Romanticism Movement that I already unconsciously took from, all the right bells were hit.

Tagging: No one. Whoever wants to do this, go ahead! Just pick 10 from the questions up above. :)

[unorthodoxsavvy]

Phandom Reverse Bang Story

Summary: Dan is stuck taking his little brother to Vidcon where he doesn’t know anyone, nor any of the creators, but taking his brother’s advice to heart, he sets off to catch “Amazingphil”’s panel. By some stroke of luck, he runs into Martyn, who offers Dan a behind-the-scenes look at the YouTube sensation. What Dan doesn’t know is that the Lester brothers have their own agenda- an agenda that just might change Dan’s life.

Read it on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/501228030-unorthodoxsavvy%27s-reverse-phandom-bang-story-2017

Artist Art coming soon (hopefully)

Link to Phandom Reverse Bang: https://phandomreversebang.tumblr.com/

Being stuck as the one who had to take his little brother to Playlist Live had it’s pros and cons for Dan.

For one thing, he was going to a convention for cheaper than he would have on his own, since his parents had paid for both their plane tickets. Another perk was that he would hopefully be able to meet some new people that were somewhat similar to him. After high school, he’d lost any “friends” he’d had, and the people at Uni just weren’t comparing. At least most people left him alone, though. That was something.

Some drawbacks, however, were the fact he still had to pay for his ticket to this thing, and bring spending money for food and in case his little brother ran out. All money he could have been spending on school supplies. Plus the fact he wasn’t even a fan of YouTube.

“You’ll like it if you just give it a try!” Harvey had told him when it had been confirmed it was Dan taking his brother out of the country.

“I don’t have time to, I have to study for a degree,” Dan said, though the words sounded like a lie.

Dan still questioned if he was doing the right thing for himself, but if it wasn’t studying for a degree, what was it?

Even the YouTuber Harvey had told Dan he might get along with had a degree or two up his sleeve.

His name was AmazingPhil- well, his “YouTuber” name. He was a few years older than Dan, and from England as well.

“Just give him a try,” Harvey had begged. Dan didn’t though. It wasn’t out of disrespect to his little brother, who only wanted to be closer to him. It was out of stubbornness for something else.

But here Dan was, in a world he didn’t understand, hoping to find something to do while Harvey waited in line for Smosh. At least that name Dan recognized. The rest were names he had only heard from his brother’s mouth.

So what to do? Dan stood against one wall of the show room, glancing at the battery on his phone, which was swiftly dropping.

Either he could cling to the last bits of life on his phone, and then be left without it, stranded, or he could change his mindset, and actually go find something to do. After all, these panels and things couldn’t be boring if so many people traveled all this way to see them, right?

Dan heard his little brother’s voice in his head once again. “Just give it a try”. He was here, he had nothing to do, so he might as well try. AmazingPhil, right? Dan glanced at the map. Oh no, Dan thought to himself. His panel was going on right now. Dan quickly weaved his way over to the show-room door, but it was closed tight. Seriously? They can’t make this a come-and-go-as-you-please thing? These people must’ve been really uptight.

A guy was stood next to the door, and Dan flushed in embarrassment.

“Trying to get in?” the man asked in a thick northern accent.

Dan nodded sheepishly.

“Are you a fan?”

Dan shrugged. “Not really, actually. My little brother just said this guy was really good, and that I would like him. I wouldn’t know, though. I didn’t have time to watch any of his videos.”

“Why not?” the man asked.

Dan flicked his eyes away and thought of his so-called reasons. That he was studying. That he needed a degree. That this was where he was meant to be. And so that was what he said.

“Huh.” The man eyed him, his expression changing-hardening?

Dan felt the weight of everything on him all at once. The weight never left, but sometimes it was heavier.

The man’s expression changed again, to something of-sympathy?

“If you’re really interested, come with me,” he said, turning, but not quick enough to hide his smirk at being able to use such a smooth line.

He started walking down the hall to the next door on the right, labeled “Staff Only”.

Dan felt his face heat and flush again and started to finger the bracelet he had on. “Staff Only”? But he wasn’t staff. And what if this man wasn’t staff? And what if someone found them? What if when they found them they kicked them both out? How was he going to get to his brother Harvey? Sure, he could tell them that he had to get his brother, but what if they thought it was just a cop-out? What if-

Dan forced himself to take a deep breath as he passed into the dark depths that laid behind the door.

“So you know this AmazingPhil guy, yeah?” he asked, keeping his voice low in the all-encompassing silence.

The man, however, gave a hearty laugh. “Know him? Well, I should hope so! I had to grow up with the twat! But for real, he’s not a bad guy. He deserves all these fans and more,” he said, sweeping his arms in a motion to gesture all the fans they were about to see.

“Oh.”

“I’m really proud of him, for putting himself out here, you know. Taking a chance. This is what he really wants to do. I don’t think he could do anything else.”

Dan felt like the man was maybe trying to hint at something, but he put it down to his overactive, anxiety-ridden imagination jumping to conclusions. He felt the cords intertwining in his bracelet carefully, and then dropped his fingers from it.

“Where are you taking me?” he finally asked.

“Someplace you might be able to get some perspective on things.”

Okay, so not over-reacting.

The man, Phil’s brother, whose name Dan didn’t even know yet, put a finger to his lips as he opened a door impossibly quiet.

The sound of a guy’s voice struck Dan immediately.

“So, yeah, that’s just how I got started. Enough of that boring stuff,” he chuckled with a shrug, as if it were nothing, and the laughter of a few hundred people came at Dan seemingly like a freight train. He gasped, forgetting the brother’s warning.

The man on stage’s eyes flicked to the side of the stage for a second, but it was almost imperceptible. Dan felt his stomach clench with anxiety.

“Instead, let’s talk about you guys. This is for all of you. This convention, this panel-everything. None of this would be possible without all you dedicated viewers. Whether you’re here ‘cause you got nothing better to do, or you’re a fan-thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all deserve warm, cuddly badgers under your bed tonight.”

Dan thought that was kind of a weird thing to wish for, but he let it slide.

The panel was going to be over soon, but from what he was seeing, Dan was enjoying it. No wonder this guy had so many followers. He was just so- unique. His personality didn’t seem to have any barriers. He was in tune with himself, and he was unapologetic about who he was. Dan couldn’t relate.

Another thing that struck Dan was how his features were startlingly contrasting, much like Snow White, with the pale skin, raven hair, and her original blue eyes. His lips weren’t as deep red as the Disney Princess’ were made out to be, but they were noticeable.

The crowd was simply eating him up. It was nothing like Dan had ever experienced. So many people at once, so many people happy, and feeling connected, at once. Only he didn’t feel connected to them.

All too soon the panel ended, with Phil announcing to the audience he’d be doing his meet-and-greet outside the hall in ten minutes. The crowd cheered and roared, and Phil got a standing ovation from his dedicated fans and viewers. It reminded Dan of his theatre days, though they had never been clapping solely for him and something he had built himself.

Phil hopped off his stool as the crowd filed out the door that Dan had been trying to get in, and made his way over everyone in the stage wing.

“Oi, Martyn!” he exclaimed as he hurried over to his brother. They shared a handshake before Phil turned to Dan.

“Who’s this?”

Dan felt himself blush yet again, and figured that it was just commonplace at this point.

“This is- geeze, I didn’t even get your name dude, sorry,” the guy, Martyn, chuckled, fixing his hat.

“Dan,” he mumbled.

“Dan? Cheers! What’s up?” Phil smiled, passing his microphone off to someone. Dan liked the way his name sounded when Phil said it.

“I, uh, just came to check you out, Imeancomewatchyourstageshow,” Dan rushed out at his seemingly-embarrassing word choices. Phil didn’t seem phased, however, or was at least good at hiding it, probably the later, Dan figured, and moved on.

“So are you a fan?”

“No, but my brother is. He said I’d like you. I’m sure he’d like to come meet you, but he’s in line for Smosh at the moment.”

“Well, if you’re really interested, come to my meet-and-greet, and we can talk more!”

Phil started to make his way past Martyn and Dan, and Dan went to follow, but Martyn grabbed ahold of his arm.

“Wait until the crowd has died down to get in line. You’ll have more time to talk to him that way. If a fan comes up to meet him, just wait for him on the side.”

Dan nodded, but refrained from asking Martyn why he was helping Dan to meet this guy so much.

Dan exited through the “Staff Only” door and back into the showroom where he could see a queue forming to the side of Phil, who was standing in front of some kind of curtain or something with little logos all over it. As he passed, he heard the girl talking to Phil introduce herself as Cami, and tell him that she had drawn some fanart for him, which she handed to Phil.

Phil met eyes with Dan, gave him a quick grin, and turned his attention back to the young girl, engrossing himself in a genuine conversation with her, before she got his signature and another hug and moved on.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan walked around for a little bit, but never strayed far from where he could keep an eye on Phil’s queue. Eventually, at the last five minute of his meet-and-greet section, there was only one fan left, so Dan made his way over to Phil.

“Hullo, Dan!” Phil smiled at him, thick northern accent sounding like his brother’s.

“Hi, uh...”

“You can just call me Phil, haha,” Phil provided, sensing what it was that Dan was stumbling over.

“Thanks, Phil.”

“So, you said you’re not a fan, but you want to be?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, playing with his bracelet again.

“That’s really nice of you,” Phil smiled at him in a way that no one had for ages.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said, then worried that he sounded narcissistic, so said thank you again.

“So, what are you up to in life? Graduated from high school?”

“Yeah,” Dan chuckled, “I’m in Uni.”

“Ooh!” Phil exclaimed. “Studying what?”

“Uh, law,” Dan said, and Phil’s expression kind of… froze… in place.

“That’s cool,” he said, but it didn’t sound as happy. Maybe Dan was overthinking again.

“Well, I hope you got a little taste of what I do,” Phil said, awkwardly shuffling his feet with a smile that felt plastered on.

“Yeah, uh, I guess,” Dan said, immediately regretting it yet again. Can’t you just form proper sentences that don’t make you sound like an arse? He fiddled with his bracelet quicker as his heartbeat picked up.

Phil seemed to jump on his words though. “Well, if you feel like you still haven’t had the full experience, there’s going to be a YouTube party tonight! And all YouTubers are allowed to bring up to three guests.”

“Oh, okay. Cool,” Dan responded, not wanting to assume that this was Phil inviting him until Phil explicitly said so.

“So I was wondering if you wanted to be my third guest?” Phil asked hopefully.

Oh. So he was already taking a few other friends. Dan was probably going to just be sat in a corner then.

“My other two guests are Martyn and his friend,” Phil said, almost as if he was reading Dan’s mind. “Martyn practically has his own set of friends at these things.”

“That’s cool,” Dan said. He was really excited to go. Dan hadn’t been invited to a party since going to someone’s Sweet Sixteen. But he had Harvey to think about. He couldn’t leave his little brother in a hotel room.

He expressed this to Phil.

“Ah, right,” Phil agreed, crestfallen. “Well, here’s my number. Just to, uh, keep in touch, or whatever, if you want,” he said, scribbling his number on Dan’s hand like some sort of 80s romance movie. His hands were soft, Dan noticed, and it was such an out-of-place thought in his head. He tried his best to ignore it.

“T-thanks,” he said.

Phil looked at the time. “Well, Meet and Greet’s officially over, so I’ll have to be going now. Hug?” Phil chuckled.

Dan shrugged, not knowing how to say “no, I’m good thanks, you’re really intimidating even though you’re really nice,” and gave Phil one of the most awkward hugs he’d ever given and received.

*-*-*-*-*

“Who’s phone number is that on your hand?” Harvey asked in between talking about everything he’s experienced that day on the ride to the hotel in an American taxi.

The taxi pulled up to the hotel and they got out.

“It’s AmazingPhil’s.”

“YOU GOT AMAZINGPHIL’S PHONE NUMBER?” Harvey practically screeched, and Dan quickly dragged him through the hotel’s revolving door to prevent any fangirls of Phil’s that might have been lurking to ambush them.

“Yeah, he invited me to the YouTube party that all the creators are having tonight.”

“You’re picking up the lingo,” Harvey joked before asking excitedly if Dan was going.

“Of course not. I have to watch you,” he said.

Harvey’s face fell for a second, and then lit up again.

“Wait! I made a friend in line for Smosh that is staying in the same hotel as us who wanted to hang out tonight! His dad offered to chaperone! So I can go hang out in their hotel room, and you can go to the party!” Harvey smiled.

“I don’t know, Harvey, I’d have to meet this guy,” Dan replied, playing with his bracelet.

“That’s fine,” Harvey said, “They left early, so they should be back already. Besides, do you know how many YouTuber signatures you could get me?”

Dan chuckled, ruffling up his little brother’s hair.

“Alright, we’ll see,” Dan said, but in his head, he was really excited that things had worked out this way.

*-*-*-*-*

“So?”

“He’s not coming,” Phil replied, flopping down on the couch Martyn and him were temporarily sharing in their hotel room.

“Oh,” Martyn replied, moving Phil’s legs and placing them on his lap as he sat down on the other end of the couch. “I’m sorry. Why not?”

“He has to watch his little brother.”

Martyn cursed himself under his breath. He should have thought of that. But Dan… Dan was the right one. He was sure of it.

“I’m sorry. Do try and enjoy yourself, though, yeah?”

Yeah, I’ll try, he thought to himself. Got to keep up appearances, after all.

Phil nodded glumly, arching his back to slide his phone, which had just gone off, from his back pocket.

There was a text from a number he didn’t recognize, but the few words he could see on the home screen read “Hey, it’s Dan.”

Phil’s heart pulled and he opened the text.

“Hey, he is coming!” Phil cheered.

“That’s awesome,” Martyn smiled, hiding his relief. “Are we going to meet him at his hotel?”

Phil hesitated.

“How’s this, I’ll go with my friends on my own since they all know how to get there, and you go meet this Dan fella?” Martyn suggested.

Phil smiled. “That’s a good idea.”

Martyn moved Phil’s legs again to stand up, and casually tossed “Don’t forget the roses and chocolate,” over his shoulder, giggling to himself.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan had agreed to meet Phil outside the hotel Harvey and him were staying in and take the taxi Phil had arrived in from there.

Dan shuffled his feet on the sidewalk outside the hotel where people passed in front of him occasionally.

He was dressed as best as he could manage with the clothes he had brought. Obviously he hadn’t brought anything too trashy, but he hadn’t expected to be going to a party, either. Especially not with people who were celebrities in their own rights. He went to reach for his bracelet, and then remembered he had taken it off.

He should have kept it on. Was it too late to go back for it?

Dan glanced at his phone, which he had charged up finally. Phil was two minutes late. But who knew when he would arrive, then?

He forced himself to calm his breathing.

A moment later, a taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil moved over to the window in the back facing Dan and waved. A startlingly pale face framed by that dark hair of his. Anyone would agree he was simply stunning.

Dan danced in and out of the people on the sidewalk, or the pavement as he was used to calling it, and into the taxi. Phil had moved over to the seat he was sitting in before.

Dan realized Phil must’ve already told the taxi their final destination, because the taxi started pulling down the street without further instruction.

“I don’t think I could ever get used to riding on the other side of the road,” Phil joked to Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, turning back to look out the window, something he always found calming. Phil, for all his enthusiasm, did they same, and they spent the ride to the party in silence, until Dan could tell they were nearing.

“So, what’s the protocol for something like this?” Dan asked.

Phil glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

“Protocal? I don’t know. I just stand by the food usually, but you’ll end up mingling one way or another.”

Phil went back to focusing out his window, leaving Dan not at all reassured.

The taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil paid for the fee in American money. Transferring currencies was such a pain, in Dan’s opinion, but he didn’t mention it to Phil.

He was mildly surprised when Phil looped his arm through Dan’s, but he went with it, being able to sense that the inside was noisy and crowded. His social anxiety was tingling.

“AmazingPhil, with my third guest. My first two guests should have arrived already, yeah?” Phil asked as they stepped up to the door.

The security guy smiled. “Martyn and his friend? You’re right, they did,” he agreed, checking something off on his clipboard. “You guys are good to go.”

Phil pulled Dan inside, where Dan was instantly overwhelmed.

The room blasted music, which people had to speak loudly over, or even shout to be heard. The lights were all a faint pinkish or purplish color, Dan couldn’t be quite sure. The furniture was chic and new-looking, and everything was super modern. Men and women with serving plates wandered in and out of the crowd with a natural grace Dan knew he could never attain, no matter how much he practiced. He tightened his grip on Phil’s arm and Phil placed his hand reassuringly on Dan’s arm.

“Let’s go over to the food,” he spoke loudly into Dan’s ear, something that would normally make Dan recoil, but not this time.

The food table was ever-so-slightly quieter, and Dan and Phil didn’t have to strain as much to be heard by each other.

“This probably isn’t the best setting to try to get to know someone,” Phil apologized, but Dan told him not to worry about it.

“So, about Uni, and your degree,” Phil started, and Dan felt his heart sink. He hated when people asked him about his degree, it made him feel like he had to hide, like he wasn’t good enough, like he-

“Do you like it? I mean, are you happy?”

“W-what?” Dan started, not expecting to be asked that.

Phil repeated himself, but more loudly.

“A-am I happy? Well, I don’t know. It’s something to do. It gives me a sense of purpose in life.”

Phil nodded, but didn’t press the issue any further. He couldn’t, actually, because at that moment someone came up to talk to them.

It was a woman, older than both of them, but with a genuine smile on her face and impeccable makeup and a stellar outfit.

“Philly!” she smiled, hugging him while they laughed together. “Hullo, Louis!” He smiled. The fashionista, Louis, pulled away from Phil and beamed at Dan. “And this must be the mysterious Dan!” she smiled, politely holding out her ring-clad hand for Dan to shake, which made her bangles jingle-jangle.

“Mysterious Dan?” Phil interjected with a smile, but a strained one. Both Dan and Louis could sense it, and Louis adapted accordingly.

“You didn’t think word wouldn’t have gotten out about the AmazingPhil himself picking up a kid that doesn’t even watch his videos to take under his wing, did you?”

“Take under my wing?” Phil exclaimed, his voice tight.

“Well, sure, that’s why you brought him, along, isn’t it?” she asked.

Phil’s mortified silence spoke more than actual words could have.

Louis smiled and patted his shoulder. “Not to worry, dear, we’ll help you sort this out.”

Phil nodded but didn’t say anything, instead clenching and unclenching his hands, not in an angry way, but as if he wished he had something to hold. Dan did too, if he was being honest with himself.

Together they weaved their way to a couch that had an empty end, free of party goers mingling. Louis excused herself to talk to other people, but promised she’d check in on them.

Dan huddled close to Phil, feeling extremely anxious.

“Is it true?” he asked the older boy, rubbing his wrist where his bracelet would have been.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Dan nodded, but didn’t quite understand.

“It’s true I was looking for someone, maybe to be in videos with me. A part-time partner I guess you can say. Also just a friend. But you’re in Uni. You’re busy.” Phil clenched his fists. “You’re busy with something that doesn’t even make you happy.”

It was true. Dan wasn’t happy at all. And he knew that Phil had seen right through him like no one else ever had, besides Martyn, so he didn’t bother trying to deny it anymore.

“Yeah.” he admitted. “I’m not. But what else is there to do?”

“This!” Phil exclaimed, using his hands fervently. “Look around you! People can get paid for this! People like me, and people like you.”

“People like me?” Dan scoffed, “I’m a wet towel.”

“Exactly!” Phil said, much to Dan’s surprise. “People like honest and awkward. It’s relatable. It’s constant. People can depend on it.”

Dan eyed Phil. “People can depend on other people’s anxiety?”

“Yes, because they can relate to it,” he smiled. “Dan, you can be the role model people need for following their dreams. Tell your story. Break out of your shell.”

“Are you suggesting I drop out of Uni to become a full-time internet hobo?” Dan asked, not even caring if he offended anyone anymore.

“Who said you had to drop out of Uni?” Phil asked.

“You, basically,” Dan pointed out slack-faced.

“Maybe you can switch degrees. Find something that makes you happy. I don’t know. But please, just try, for me?” Phil asked, his shiny eyes wide and innocent. Innocent? No, that wasn’t it. It was almost like… it was almost like Phil was begging Dan. He really wanted Dan to do what he did.

Dan leaned back on the red leather couch to put things in perspective. First he would need equipment, and he didn’t have a lot of money. Most people who started off didn’t, though, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Second, he was going to need time to make and post videos. In theory that should be difficult, with the amount of coursework and studying that was expected of him. In reality he usually ended up playing video games alone in his room to try and relieve some of his constant stress and depression. Which did help. And making videos would be more useful than video games, he guessed.

Not to mention how happy Harvey would be. Right, he was supposed to be getting signatures for the kid. He pushed the thought out of his mind and went back to focusing on what being a YouTuber would mean for him.

It would be weird to film in his dorm where people could hear him. He’d have to find another place to film. He didn’t have any good ideas, so he moved onto something else.

He was going to need content. An intro video to start, and to dig up repressed memories to share to people on the internet.

Oh god. Sharing his fails with people on the internet?

He took a moment to ponder this, thinking about how he was already a fail in general. It probably wouldn’t be that much different honestly. But it was still scary.

And dropping out of Uni was almost as scary as being in Uni. But Phil was right. He wasn’t happy. Dan knew he had been kidding himself this whole time, but he didn’t know what else to do with his life. Admitting you have no idea what you want to do with yourself is not only scary but embarrassing, and Dan didn’t want to have to deal with that. He had felt for once he could actually get on top of things. Who makes fun of someone going to law school? But Dan really wasn’t cut out for it.

“If I drop out of Uni what then? My parents will probably kill me. I doubt they’d let me move back in, even though I still have a room at home.”

“I have a spare room in my apartment,” Phil offered. “I can pay for food for both of us and stuff for a few months while you get settled. If you want.”

Someone I met like seven hours ago is trying to convince me to drop out of Uni and move in with him, Dan thought to himself. But why?

“Maybe,” Dan said.

“Think about it, but let this influence your decision,” Phil told him, gesturing around them. “If I’m not convincing enough, talk to them.”

So that’s what Dan did. He’d been taking other people’s advice so far, and it had been working well, so the two of them went around and asked what people thought of Dan’s ideas for content and if he would be cut out to be a YouTuber.

Every single person they talked to said yes.

“See? It’s not just me!” Phil said at the end of the night.

Dan sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“Yes, I know I am!” Phil smiled, calling them a cab from outside the building where they were waiting in the fresh night air.

Dan looked around. It suddenly hit him that their night was about to come to an end.

Phil noticed the look on Dan’s face.

“What time's your flight back tomorrow?” he asked cautiously.

“Not until four. Why?”

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere else or something,” Phil suggested.

“Like where?” Dan asked.

“Well, we are in Orlando,” Phil smiled.

“And?”

“Have you ever heard of Downtown Disney?”

“Maybe?”

“Well, it’s a quaint little place I always liked better at night,” he smiled, and so when the taxi came, that was where he asked to go.

Pulling in revealed a world the likes of which Dan would have never imagined could’ve existed. Everything was Disney themed, even down to the lamp-post and the shapes of the bushes. It was a quaint town-like area on the waterfront, with many, many stores, and even a lego sea monster that was actually in the water.

“I’ve always wanted to ride a sea monster,” Phil mentioned casually as they walked by it. Dan wasn’t even surprised at this point. His face was alight at everything to be seen. Phil mentioned he’d visited often as a kid, and took Dan to all his favorite places. They went to a store that was filled with Disney merch and displays, and found an Christmas ornament store that had an entire room for Nightmare Before Christmas merch. Dan ended up buying a Jack Skellington sweatshirt and skeleton gloves that he mentioned reminded him of Frank Iero’s gloves, a reference he was happy Phil understood.

They went to Ghirardelli's and ordered themselves extremely fancy hot chocolates even though it was a warm summer night. The place was crowded inside, so they sat on the edge of a raised bed with a tree in the center, shoulders touching.

They went to the Lego store and built Legos together. Phil ended up making little Lego replicas of them. Dan was focused on making- well, he didn’t really know what he was making, when Phil shoved them underneath his face.

“They’re so cute! We have to get them!” he said, and Dan rolled his eyes, making sure Phil could see, but agreed, so that’s what they did.

“We should switch,” Phil suggested, “and so we’ll have something to remember each other by.”

“You think I’m going to forget about you?” Dan teased, and Phil blushed. Dan didn’t know he would take it so seriously.

“No, I just thought it would be nice to have something physical from the time we spent together,” Phil said quietly, and Dan thought the idea was appealing, so he offered his hand, in which Phil put his mini figure in, exchanging it for Dan’s. Their hands brushed again and Dan was reminded of how soft the older boy’s hands were.

“What now?” Dan asked, turning to hide his blush as they exited the store. It was almost midnight.

“Want to walk around a little more?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged. “Sure.”

Walking around, they came upon a little amphitheatre that was having a live DJ cranking up a dance party that Phil insisted they had to join. Families, teens, and awkward friends danced to the beat of a song, before they put on one that everyone knew the dance moves to, except Dan, of course, so Phil had to teach him.

“You thrust your hips out like this,” Phil said, hands on his hips, moving them around in a circle to the time of the beat.

“Is that so?” Dan joked, but realized what Phil was saying was true, and so followed along with everyone else. Watching Phil dance was amusing. He wasn’t really the most graceful person ever.

Phil noticed Dan looking, and repeated Dan’s thoughts aloud.

When the song was over, the DJ came onto his microphone. His message was not one that Dan wanted to hear.

“Now, just like your awkward senior prom, or for you youngsters, what will be  your senior prom, we’re going to slow things down for a song for those of you who have been requesting it, but after that we’ll be up and running with these beats again, I promise!”

A lot of the families cleared out with a chorus of moans and groans, but some parents and teens stayed.

Dan turned to go as well, but noticed Phil wasn’t following him.

Why wasn’t Phil-

Oh.

Oh.

The crushing weight of that singular word, and all its understanding fell on him like a ton of bricks, heavier that the stress of Uni had ever been.

Oh.

“I-” Phil started, looking like a deer in headlights. “W-we don’t have to. No, we probably shouldn’t. It’s late. We should call a cab. You have a flight to catch tomorrow, and I have things to do tomorrow, and it’s just silly-”

Dan started walking towards Phil and grabbed his hand to stop it from clenching and unclenching.

“It’s fine. Right? It’s fine,” he laughed shakily.

Phil laughed along with him.

Dan’s wrist itched where his bracelet should have been.

Dancing to the music, Phil went on a nerves-induced rant.

“It was stupid of me to ask something so big of you. I’m sorry. It was selfish, too. I just wanted someone to be in videos with me. I wanted a friend. And I told Martyn. I told him to keep an eye out. And he did, and I was glad to meet you. I didn’t actually expect it to work. People knew I was lonely, and I wanted a friend. Look how well Smosh does. So when Martyn said I had another guest coming, they must have assumed- well, that’s what people do. They assume. And I guess I assumed too. That you’d want to drop everything you’ve worked so hard for to chance it all on a sketchy career that involves showing yourself off, flaws and all, to everyone on the internet. Insane, right? You can’t just ask someone to do that for you. I’m stupid. You have your own life, and we should just be friends or something.”

Dan felt something pull at his gut in a way he didn’t like. His hand tightened on Phil’s hip. Just friends? After everything he had just accepted, after feeling like maybe he was onto something, after- just friends?

No.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I’m going to do it. I’m going to drop out of Uni and move in with you.”

“W-what?”

“You’re right. I’m not happy. I’m miserable. I agreed to take my brother here hoping- praying- something would change. That I, I’d get a sign or something. Make a friend. Find out what it is that makes all these people happy to be here. To find clarity. To find a purpose. And even if YouTube doesn’t work out… well, it’s a start. Quitting and moving out is a start, and you’ve been kind enough to help me, because…”

Dan looked at his feet. He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t 100% sure, and he couldn’t say it.

“Because I like you,” Phil filled in.

“B-because you like me. And you know that I like you…”

“A lot.”

“Yeah.”

“Enough to agree to move in with me.”

“Enough to show me things from your childhood.”

“Enough to agree to slow-dance with me.”

“Enough to show me off to your friends.”

Phil’s grip on Dan’s hand tightened, and as the song ended, he dropped their hands to their side, and together they exited the small novelty town.

“When?” Dan asked, looking up from their hands where he had been staring at them in disbelief.

“When? As soon as possible. How soon can it be?”

“A week,” Dan said.

Phil gave him a joking pout.

“Five days. Four if you help.”

Phil released Dan’s hand to wrap his arms around his new partner in videos, crime, life, whatever in a hug.

“Yay!” he said excitedly. “We’re going to become super popular! I promise, things’ll work out!”

Dan giggled, something he hadn’t done in years, and hugged Phil back.

*-*-*-*-*

Five days later, Dan had a bed in Phil’s apartment, and an entire room to himself to go with it. He even ended up buying a matching duvet to Phil’s, and their rooms balanced out their personalities while keeping a common theme.

They enjoyed doing domestic necessities like shopping for groceries together, picking out clothes the other might like, and arguing about who has to do what chores when, as well as binge-watching shows together, competing in video games, and generally sharing more about each other and opening up about their past and their goals for the future.

Dan did end up becoming a rather successful YouTuber, and over time, he even passed Phil in number of subscribers, but Phil was never bitter about it. Instead, he was really happy that Dan had turned his life around for the better. In the years to come, they would make two more joint channels, a few tours, a few books, a whole lot of videos, and a lot of memories. They never confirmed nor denied their relationship, liking to keep their fans on their toes, much to the frustration of some of them. They grew together, laughed together, created together, and existed together. Of course they talked about their relationship with each other, but they decided not to really call it anything just yet.

They had all the time in the world as of now, and that was enough for them.