#a little simpler than my recent stuff as of late

[haldora]

A little doodle for Marius/Daniel week! Day 3 prompt: feeding (shhh, it's still Day 3 I just took a little while)

[tales-of-wocdes]

How would the caretakers react if the silver protectors are talking about how they keep losing coin and other shiny objects? When they do get around to finding MC they see that they've made a secret room holding a variety of shiny object like the coins, rocks, kitchen utensils and daggers the MC thought were really pretty.

Let's assume dragon heritage for shiny collection :D Just for fun, let's add in the "you can't see me, I can't see you" wing thing.

I assume caretakers mean Lexia and Havard, so I will change it a little bit since I don't think MC could pull off a mass thievery spree without someone noticing :D Not yet at least.

We can consider this a sort of prelude to the end of this ask.

For some reason, this got long :D Let's call it a thank you for 2500+ likes and 100+ re-blogs!

----------------------------------------------------

Guard duty was boring.

"Lots of stuff been going missing lately." Hybert said.

"Really? Is that why I can't find my helmet? We don't usually wear them inside the orphanage, so... Do we have a thief problem?" Kathil asked.

The two of them were guarding the Orphanage main courtyard gate. The one that lead outside. A rather important place... yet boring.

"It would seem so... though the orphanage is very secure." Hybert pondered. "If there are thieves about, does't that mean we failed?"

Before Kathil can answer, a sound like metal clinking against the floor made both Protectors turn.

A small form dashed along the side of the courtyard and to a corridor, covered loosely by their wings. Every once in a while, another clink sounded along the corridor.

There is a trail of coins and other knickknacks trailing after the small figure. A trail clearly leading towards one of the empty rooms.

"It might be a bit simpler than thieves..." Kathil said, "And we probably haven't failed..."

A lot of coin has been going missing, as well as a great many shiny things. Things that are very much like the stuff in that trail.

"Best get the Head Custodian." Hybert said, watching MC keep sneaking not either seeing, or ignoring, the two Protectors.

"Don't be hasty, I wanna see what MC is doing first. And Lexia's face when she finds out." Kathil said.

-----------

"What do you mean MC keeps sneaking off?" Havard asked.

"I mean MC wraps their wings around themselves and then pretends to not see anyone, or that anyone can see them. It is rather adorable." Lexia said with a grin.

Havard rubbed his forehead. "And what does this have to do with the recent thefts?"

"MC keeps taking shiny things, and then "sneaks" though the hallways to an empty room to build a nest full of pretty things. It is rather impressive really, how one tiny kid can gather so many things." Lexia said. "Coins, pieces of armor, half the spoons, forks and knives, some shiny stones, a set of new frying pans." Lexia counted with her fingers.

Havard rubbed his forehead harder. "And how did MC have the time to do all that?" He lifted his gaze to Lexia. "You are watching them, right?"

"Well sure, but I let them sneak away from me every once in a while, since they seem to enjoy doing it... I do follow them but..." Lexia squirmed a bit. "A bit in independence is a big deal for that kid and it is safe inside the orphanage... It's not like there are actual thieves about...." She keeps squirming.

Havard had an idea why. She looked guilty. Which meant...

"You knew." Havard said.

"Well... I...." Lexia took one look at Havard. "OK I knew. It was hilarious. You have no idea the audacity of that kid. Or maybe it's just a lack of common sense? Still, no shiny thing is safe."

"Lexia..." Havard sighed. "It's still theft. You should not allow it."

"I know, I know.. it's just so cute." She sighs. "MC made a nest you know.. or maybe a hoard?"

Havard's eye twitched. A bit. He was curious.... also worried. Lexia had said it included forks and knives? That was not safe.

Havard sighed. "Fine. Show me."

--------------------------------------------------

It was impressive, just as Lexia had said. A hoard.... How did MC get all of it in here?

A hoard of coins, and pieces of armor. A pile. Multiple piles actually, the kitchen utensils had their own. There atop the pile of coins was a small form with wings. MC was watching their piles of treasure. At least MC had left the forks and knives in a separate pile.

How much coin could one child get? True everyone was well paid but still... Thoughts for later.

Bandaged hands clumsily kept arranging a helmet so it shone in the sunlight. MC seemed content.

That was the part that made Havard stop. A content little face as MC admired their treasures. Not afraid or panicked. Not having an episode. Content. Having a good time with something they found pretty.

MC was content... and having fun. MC did probably not even know there was something wrong about taking people's stuff...

He sighed again. Then waved a hand at Lexia to stay. She nodded and smiled. She already guessed what was about to happen.

Havard entered the "hoard room" and walked over to MC. The child spun to look at him...

"Nice hoard." Havard said and smiled. "We need to talk about a few things though."

Havard sat down on the pile of coin.

"You see, there is this concept called stealing....."

---------------------------------------------------

"Heard the Head Custodian talked to our little thief." Kathil said.

"Yeah." Hybert said. "I saw Lexia very amused about something."

"Apparently the kitchen utensils and other important stuff has been returned to their owners. The coin however..."

Hybert turned to look at her. "What about the coin?"

"The kitchen is making and giving out "hoard cookies". If you want your coin back, you need to bring MC cookies in exchange."

"So... we have basically have a cookie based extortion ring, enforced by the Head Custodian?.... Because MC is cute."

"Pretty much yeah."

[zanygamer25]

I like magical girls more as a late 20s woman than I did as a child. Maybe it’s a longing for nostalgia or simpler things. Maybe it’s because I’ve stepped away from that shame about being feminine or childish and liking sparkles and pink and stuff even as an adult and wholeheartedly finding it comforting.

when I was a little kid I had pink everything because pink was my favorite color. Then I got told lots of things like pink is girly and girls are… in so many words “not good” and I felt ashamed of liking pink so much and swapped my favorite color to teal… which I still LOVE as a color honestly, but I’m glad I’m able to have pink back too.

a college friend was over at my place last night and she looked at my desk set up… embracing all the stuff I feared would make me look childish in college. Pink mousepads and controllers and headphones, purple pastel stress balls, stuffed animals sitting on the shelf behind it with stacks of manga with magical girls on the covers and spines, children night lights shaped like bunnies and bears providing soft ambient lighting around my monitor for gaming or for studying and working.

She said “It’s not my style but I’m really glad you’re embracing things that make you happy.” She recently got a bunch of small figurines of wildlife she studies to place on shelves around her apartment. She collects small pieces of artwork from towns near where she does fieldwork.

and yknow I guess magical girls make me happy and I’m finally old enough to feel really okay with that. Also you become free when you stop caring what someone else would think, just in general.

[youngster-monster]

I KNOW THAT THE DISCORD WIPS ARE A TRAVESTY BUT PRIOR TO THAT THE LAST TIME I OPENED A GOOGLE DOC WAS IN LIKE 2018 TO MAKE AN OC SHEET THAT AMOUNTED TO 100 WORDS AT THE VERY MOST!!!! I DID NOT REALIZE GOOGLE DOCS WAS EVEN AN OPTION I JUST USED IT FOR MY BAD CHARACTER SHEETS

also i cant in good conscience act like the discord wips were ancient history... it is with Shame that i kneel before your askbox and admit that it was in 2020 until like late 2021... after that i realized i could use google docs and now i swear on my life that my fics are organized i SWEAR

ive been hibernating since february (last fic completed let alone worked on Properly) so i am more skeletal than rotted at this point but surely . surely it will come back to me and i will go crazy again

LITERALLY IT IS SO DIFFICULT INTRODUCING CHARACTERS i tried to write oc content recently and it went so bad that i couldnt even stomach the idea of it anymore it is so DIFFICULT but fanfic? fanfic is so much Simpler in my brain. in terms of work i mean because at the point that im writing fanfic about something ive already gone so deep into the lore that i could name 8 niche quest npcs and their full backstory + all of my headcanons in the form of 300 very lengthy discord messages

oh my god. sorry but midway through this ask i just remembered that i still have something of a discord wip channel in use right now, but its not for full works and it IS for snippets. sometimes i have these little ideas in my head but theyre not good enough for a full fic so i just jot em down in a discord channel for (hopefully) later use.... the discord wips will never die

real talk? what you said about any finished work being an accomplishment makes me feel alot better about how irregular my fics are because i end up feeling guilty about how by the time my writers block is over, the fandoms are completely different .. and to be honest when you stop thinking about it it IS kind of funny because theres a. wow fanfiction and b. anime fanfiction. i wonder sometimes if people go to my page and have an aneurysm looking at the fandom list

WII RP???????? WII RP???????????? i wasnt allowed to do really anything with our wii because i was really REALLY young so perhaps this is only insane to me because i never did anything except use the wii to watch pucca in 240p but ON THE WII??????????????????

im going to be wojack pointing at the m3:r wip until the end of time and you can count on that, these two dead elves (and particularly how you write them!!!) have carved themselves into my brain and they refuse to pay rent

2021..... damn bitch you live like this!!

7 months of hibernation... you're getting preserved in a bog it's Fine. I spent a whole year writing Nothing, just rotting mostly, and now look at me ( < not normal) (writing though!)

Fanfics are so easy... and you get other people to bounce stuff off of too like if I crave content I can go yell to my friends about it. For OCs you need Context.... Lore..... who has the time!!! I mean I do I am a known oc enjoyer but still. What work

I do also have the snippet channel. And the snippet notes app. And the snippet google docs. And the snippet paper scraps. And– yeah okay I've escaped the indignity of discord wips but not that of Disorganized WIPs

I'm glad it helped! There's no such thing as 'moving on' for a fandom!!! I know anime fandoms tend to be fast moving but if you let your wip age some more you too can become 'the only person still writing this ship', and profit 😈

Listen. My parents could ground me from using my PC. They could take my DS. But by god they couldn't take away ALL the screens and if I had to point and click my way through writing a post about my sparklewolf daughter of hades then I WOULD. And did!! My wrist will never forgive me

[plastic-summer]

my current album ranking, and why

i think some of this will be pretty controversial, so i've done my best to explain. what i'll also say is that i genuinely believe that every album of hers is truly brilliant in every way, but i simply prefer some over others and that comes down to personal feelings. yours may well be different.

10. evermore.

ouch. sorry. i can hear the pained screams from here. i really do apologise. here's the thing about me: i'm a big pop girlie. like, almost exclusively. i love pop music for its energy and passion and power. i know evermore has at least the latter two in its own way, but i can't mesh with it. i have tried, and i continue to try. basically, when folklore came out, i was a little feral for more taylor, but i knew it wasn't for me. that meant my reaction to evermore at first listen was "really? again?" i'm so sorry. i really am.

favourite song: closure.

least favourite song: it's time to go.

9. taylor swift (debut).

i think it's pretty common to have this one so low, and for me it's roughly the same reason as everyone else. one, i'm not a big country fan. i like it, but it's not really what i like, and that's the way of things. it's a very good country album, but i can't force myself to be a big country fan, even for taylor. second, she just became a better artist as her lyrics, production and voice matured and developed. this happens with virtually every artist and it's great to see. i don't have anything really critical to say about debut, just that it is not as good as a lot of the rest of her catalogue.

favourite song: a perfectly good heart.

least favourite song: cold as you (sorry).

8. fearless.

i did not like pretty much all of the fearless vault. i'm sorry. i just didn't. i could see exactly why they didn't get onto the original album, which doesn't happen anywhere near as much with the other vaults. just to get that out the way, because a vault shouldn't judge the album.

this was one of the very first cds i ever owned. i thought it was the coolest thing ever. her face on the cover is scribbled all over, because i was six when i got it. okay? forgive me. it gives the album a lot of nostaligia factor, and i do genuinely love it, but for some tracks i feel like nostaligia is all they have going for them. the rerecord really helped this, but ... yeah. it's just not as good as her other stuff.

favourite song: fifteen.

least favourite song: bye bye baby.

7. folklore.

put your pitchforks away. it's a good album, a great album if i'm honest. i understand the hype wholeheartedly. i don't think it's overrated. it's just not for me. i wanted to be a folklore girl, i really did, but it just didn't work out between us. the thing that makes it better than evermore at least for me is the fact that the songs are a lot more varied in production - not to say all the evermore songs sound the same, but i find the production of it to be a lot safer in several ways. i'm just not an indie girl and i've come to accept that.

favourite song: seven.

least favourite song: hoax.

6. speak now.

this is another one i've spent so much time with, mainly because i just LOVE the concepts and aesthetics of this album. it's just gorgeous. but it's not my favourite. i do really like it, much more than i used to in recent years, but again, i'm a pop girlie through and through. i don't have a lot to say really, it's pretty middle of the road for me. i think the best thing about it is how well and clearly emotions are shown in it, which is just so so brilliant, especially seeing as she was so young when she wrote it. some of her best work lyrically is in speak now for sure.

favourite song: speak now.

least favourite song: innocent.

5. red.

okay, i love red. i love red so much. this was the album that made me a swiftie. i don't know how many people agree with this, but when i think of red i don't think of autumn, i think of being younger and things being simpler, i think of late summer. my favourite taylor swift song (which has been so since the first time i heard it) is on this album. the lyricism (which, shockingly, exists in songs other than all too well!) and the emotion is to me at one of its peaks for taylor. the likes of we are never ever getting back together, 22, and i knew you were trouble will be fossilised, like them or not. it's just so quintessentially taylor in every way and deserves so much love beyond atwtmv.

favourite song: treacherous.

least favourite song: not picking one. no way.

4. lover.

this one moves sooo much for me and is actually my most played album of hers which is pretty crazy. i'll never relate to it probably, but it's just too underrated. it's gorgeous and it screams summer and dancing and being so mindlessly happy you can't think of anything else, but still holds close to it that painful relatability taylor songs are so special for. i just love it so much, i couldn't put it into words. go appreciate lover more! i'm also an unironic unapologetic me! stan. it's great, you're just boring.

favourite song: i think he knows.

least favourite song: it's nice to have a friend.

3. midnights.

i'm a firm believer in the idea that her "best" album is a different question to "your favourite" album because they're affected by different things. THIS is her best album. i don't care what you say. it has it all. narrative? gorgeous and cohesive yet tasteful. production? thematically on point, cohesive but never derivative. lyrics? every emotion, every experience, packed into 13 songs. wow wow wow. she did that, released it, and got on with her life. most artists could only dream of releasing midnights. and then the 3am edition??? even more of the same. we don't deserve it, i fear.

favourite song: question...?

least favourite song: glitch.

2. 1989.

as i listen to the rerecord more and more, this will definitely go up at some point. this is just sonically, lyrically, vocally, conceptually pop perfection. there is not one bad song on this album. there isn't even a song below an 8/10 on this album. it's just amazing and beautiful in every way. no notes.

favourite song: i wish you would.

1. reputation.

REPUTATION !!!! i can't say enough about the beauty that is reputation. i don't even know where to start. it's too good. it's the perfect revenge album, the perfect comebacl album and the perfect love album. i still live in 2017 with how this album gets me. perfection, everywhere.

favourite song: call it what you want but also all of them at once.

[porcelain-rob0t]

what are your top 20 fashion history facts

aw yesss i love this question

let's go 20 fashion history facts. most of my knowledge is primarily from western countries and 19th-20th century, just as a little disclaimer. also this is stream of consciousness infodump so you can fact check and tell me if i got stuff wrong. some may be well known, others more obscure, im just happy to talk

in the 1940s, a lot of traditional beauty products were in short supply bc of the war and rations, so people had to get creative. one example is that fabric was being rationed so shorter simpler dresses and less hats. thats why the 1940s is known for all the really elaborate hairstyles.

a lot of things that we call corsets aren't actually corsets. if it's before the 19th century, support garments were called stays. also corsets weren't evil torture devices, they're just like bras that distribute the weight of the bust through the abdomen rather than the shoulders. they were only dangerous when worn incorrectly or ill-fittingly, kinda like wearing the wrong bra size.

bellbottom pants had their roots in older navy uniforms. the idea is that if you go overboard, you can tie off the ends of your pants to be used as floatation devices. my grandfather was in the navy and during my 70s fashion era, he told me that cool little fact.

a lot of makeup throughout the ages was made using what you had available. one of my favorite examples is carmine, a red pigment that was used in rouge, lip products, and blush. carmine is made from bugs!! isnt that cool?

pretty much everything that has ever trended has trended before, we call this nostalgia cycles, usually it's every 30 years but it can be as short as 10 years. for example, the 2010s was interested in replicating some 80s aesthetics, the same way we're seeing that with the 2000s now.

my favorite fashion subcultures in recent history is the mod look from the early-mid 1960s. it was built around rebelling from the restriction of 50s. this came from less structured dresses, shorter skirts, bright colors, and expressive eye makeup. if you think about it, the mod look is kind of a 30-40 year nostalgia cycle with the flapper movement of the 1920s.

speaking of subcultures, theyre all started by marginalized people working with what they have. prime examples are the punk and grunge movement being very proletariat in origin, most of the fashion staples are what people could get secondhand/cheap. this is your reminder that you dont need to buy from "punk" brands to dress punk, work with what you got! have fun, get creative, tear shit up, upcycle it, decorate how you want, add pins and stuff!!! :D

tight-laced corsets were not common during the Victorian/Edwardian. in the photos of women with seemingly tiny waists, those were often created with padding the bust and hips. photo editing also existed, it's always been there, it was usually painting in parts of the photo. setting the subject up in front of a dark background, using lots of contrast, and then you can use a bit of black paint on the photograph to make the waist smaller.

Christian Dior was the guy who popularized fake pockets in women's pants, so if hell is real and i end up there, i will hunt him down.

in the late 19th-early 20th century, models were called "living mannequins"

i only have 10 so far but expect a part 2

[slugfishh]

Hello everyone, apologies for being a little dead on here lately. Recently I've gotten very, very deep into Rain World lore over on my twitter account, and am now bringing the madness here, on a sideblog i've now dedicated to rain world lore discussion :') if you're at all interested in that, please give it a follow!

This post here is only a small snippet of the kind of stuff I'd like to talk about pertaining to Rain World, my main wish is to educate and inform as many people as I can, as well as help clear up some wider misconceptions, so asks are more than welcome :D

(the piece above is a little more opinionated, while lately my interest has fallen much more into making useful infographics to make complicated lore stuff more accessible and simpler to understand. expect a mix of both though)

Some Thoughts on Karma, the Natural Journey of Ascension, and Why the Ancients/Benefactors were Kind of Wrong

I'd like to address the community-wide misconception that you can only gain karma through "shedding your urges" when both in game and within the text of the game, we see this isn't true! the whole "shedding urges in order to ascend" stuff was only really a thing before the void fluid revolution, as Moon states in the bright red farm arrays pearl. The discovery of void fluid entirely trivialized needing to completely shed your urges by providing a much more natural method of ascension, and we see this play out within Rain World's story and gameplay.

In-game, we gain karma by directly engaging with our urges, whether it be sustaining our hunger, holding treasured items close or just survival in itself. From the beginning we are deeply ensnared within the struggles of living, "caught in the net" as the ancients/benefactors say. However, over the course of our gameplay, (I'm using survivor as a baseline, since their campaign illustrates the core of this) as we learn and grow and become more knowledged, living becomes easier, the struggle is not as harsh as it was before, and surely but slowly we die less and less as time goes on.

Simultaneously, this is reflected in our karma, as by dying less, we now hold higher karma more frequently. This coincides with the natural gameplay loop of rain world; the more we explore and learn new things, the more we grow and learn about the world and our place within it, we tread further and further away from the struggles of life, and become closer to enlightenment.

Ascension is the natural culmination of this journey of enlightenment, the next step on the path beyond. It's not inherently the right or wrong choice to make, its a step into the unknown, in search of something greater, of answers to our own existence, true spiritual self-fulfillment. This is how the ancients/benefactors saw it, but you could say they still got parts of it pretty wrong...

This is treading more into personal headcanon territory now, so bear with me, but I believe the issue lies within the great problem that the ancients built the iterators to solve. They wanted to find a means of evicting all life, material, the entire world from the cycles entirely, eliminating the personal struggle tied to ascension, taking away the choice and the journey that are so unbelievably crucial to it. This is also why I personally believe that a solution to the great problem doesn't or can't exist, as it would go against the fabric of their universe, from which the cycles are built upon. (LTTM describes the group behind this ideology as "triangulators"; they believed a solution was dangerous and had to be inferred rather than solved)

Ironically, in their desire to become effortless, by creating the iterators to make living easier, and to detach themselves from the struggles of the cycles, (just as we do within our own journey to ascension as the slugcat) this could also only be achieved through massive effort, so they even weren't truly "effortless" in the end, as nothing can be. Of course though, the few echoes in-game demonstrate that same ideology slipping through. Those ancients/benefactors became echoes because they hadn't experienced the personal journey paramount to ascension, or maybe they just didn't want to leave, but regardless, they weren't able to let go of their place in the universe and move on, and thus, they stayed behind.

TLDR: The ancients/benefactors were wrong about ascension because as a society they didn't fully recognize how important personal struggle, journey, and choice is for ascension, and sought to remove that struggle entirely.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: Nirvana in Fire, Episode 04

(Masterpost) (Pinboard)

Warning! Spoilers for all 54 episodes!

Schemes in Progress:

Mu Nihuang’s Marriage//Martial Arts Competition: Mei Changsu has a foolproof plan for defeating the lead contender, Baili Qi, who is the only contender who can actually beat Nihuang to win her hand. His plan appears to involve having small children beat the mighty warrior. In fact his plan is way simpler and more delightful than that, but I’ll discuss the specifics in a later post. It’s politically important to defeat Baili Qi, not just personally, because he represents a potential enemy state. 

Mu Nihuang’s Marriage//Sima Lei: The Crown Prince and his mom, Consort Yue, want to force Nihuang to marry their dude Sima Lei. The plan is to use Roofie Wine on her. Consort Jing gets wind of this plan and gets a counter-plan rolling. 

Getting Tingsheng Out Of The Palace: Mei Changsu uses the anxiety caused by Baili Qi’s badassery to get the Emperor to agree to his ridiculous kid-training plan, and then makes sure Tingsheng, the secret son of the late Prince Qi, is one of the kids he gets to train. 

Put Jingyan on the Throne: This scheme gets rolling, with a general pattern of Mei Changsu & team doing whatever they can to sink the leading contenders for the throne, which gives Jingyan an opportunity to rise up. The leading contenders tend to cooperate in their own sinking because they are ruthlessly ambitious, and Mei Changsu designs his plans to take advantage of that. 

Banquet Battle

After thoroughly disarming and whomping Jingrui, Baili Qi finishes by flinging Jingrui’s sword into the floor right in front of him. 

Jingrui, who hoped to literally cripple Baili Qi in this fight, has the nerve to be affronted by this. 

(More behind the cut!)

Baili Qi shows his impeccable barbarian manners, giving the Emperor a nice gesture of respect that is presumably local to Northern Yan. Meanwhile, Mei Changsu and Nihuang are snarking quietly at their table like a couple of high schoolers.

Mei Changsu pretends to be embarrassed when the Emperor tells them to share their joke with the whole class, but of course it’s always a scheme, with him. 

He and Nihuang explain to everyone that they were just chatting about how Baili Qi is great and all, but that Mei Changsu could train some small amateur children to beat his bitch ass, given a couple of days to teach them to run in a circle. 

The emperor thinks this is a good plan, and gets right on board with it. 

This is not actually because the emperor is an idiot, however, although Prince Yu clearly thinks so. 

The emperor IS an idiot, but on this occasion I think he has correctly deduced that Mei Changsu has some kind of shady plan in mind, and he is 100% in favor of shady plans, if they work to his benefit. 

Consort Bestie

Jingyan’s mom Consort Jing is hanging out in the palace, and meets up with her girlfriend bestie, Imperial Concubine Hui. Historically, the Emperor’s collection of women was divided into ranks; how many ranks was different for different periods. In NIF, Consort Jing and I.C. Hua belong to the “outer palace” and the Empress and Consort Yue belong to the “inner palace” because they rank higher. The Empress likes to pick on  IC Hua, and has sent her to light a bunch of candles in a haunted palace.

Consort Jing goes with her because they are girlfriends besties, and because she is a consistently nice person who deserves all the good things in the world. Spoiler: Both of these women survive, they stay friends, things work out well for both of them and for their sons. Go ahead and root for them! 

Because the haunted palace belongs to the late Empress, mother of the Emperor and of Grand Princess Liyang, these BFFs are ideally placed to overhear some important scheming, involving some drugged wine that’s been sitting around in this part of the compound for like 30 years. 

They realize that someone is planning to sexually assault a woman by using this drugged wine, and Nihuang is the obvious candidate, since her marriage plans are all anyone’s talking about now. Consort Jing tells Concubine Hua to forget all about this and not get involved in palace drama, but she immediately gets to work intervening in the situation herself. 

Training 

Over at the Xie guesthouse, Mei Changsu is training the kiddies in a special sword formation designed to beat Baili Qi. They sure do have pretty sword forms for a bunch of kids who have never held a sword. Also, someone’s chalk skills are off the chain.

Mei Changsu tells Fe Liu that they have to be faster, so Fe Liu tells them “go faster” and they do, which is apparently the essence of learning martial arts. 

Mu Nihuang shows up and sees right through all of this, making it clear she needs a miracle to get her out of this unwanted marriage. Mei Changsu tells her that he’s got it covered. She says that she believes him, although she’s not sure why. 

Then they stand there gazing heatedly at each other, like you do when you are two random people who have never met until recently, and definitely have never gotten each other off even a little bit. 

Embroidery Flexing

Meanwhile, Consort Jing sets out to save Nihuang from the wine/marriage plot, through the power of embroidery. 

In order to do this she has to make embroidered scent sachets for the Dowager Empress, the Empress, the Grand Princess, and Consort Yue, which she does before going to bed for the night, apparently. Consort Jing kicks ass. 

She makes sure that the Dowager Empress, who is a sweetheart, will be pleased enough with her sachet that she will invite Consort Jing into the room, which will give her an opportunity to present the actually important sachet to Grand Princess Liyang. 

Communication was complicated, before cell phones. 

Once they’re alone, Consort Jing tells Grand Princess Liyang about the plot to force Nihuang to marry Sima Lei. She tells her in the most round-about, triggery way possible, because she needs Liyang to have a flashback, I guess? Otherwise we wouldn’t get to watch her own Mom drugging her to force her to marry Xie Yu. 

Thanks, Mom, I’d be happy to drink this cup of obvious poison. Mom is terrible but her crown is awesome. 

Anyway, once Liyang knows what’s up, she’s on board with team Save Nihuang From Having To Marry A Creep Like My Own Husband.

Clean-shaven Xie Yu: even creepier than regular Xie Yu and also very shiny. Beautiful costume, though. Why are they dressing the flashback villains so nicely? 

Side note: presumably Liyang and her mom didn’t know she was already pregnant when they brought Xie Yu into the mix? Because if they had known, she would probably have been fine with just, like, consenting to marry someone or other, to keep her reputation intact. Anyway it’s worth noting that this whole situation is about appearances, not about whether anyone is actually a literal virgin. 

The Laughing Prince

Jingyan comes for a visit to see how the training is going, and he and Mei Changsu have a sitdown. Mei Changsu tells him that he’s come to town to make sure that the two main contenders for the throne don’t get it, and that he’s going to work to make Jingyan the next emperor. 

Then they stand there gazing at each other, like strangers who definitely have never gotten each other off even a little bit. 

Then Jingyan laughs at him

Jingyan thinks it’s impossible that he would ever be emperor, but he’s happy to go along with Mei Changsu’s plans if it will keep his jerk brothers from winning. 

Building Team Jingyan

Late at night, Meng Zhi drops by to look at Tingsheng and say that he resembles Prince Qi, which he totally doesn’t, but Chinese dramas really don’t worry about casting people who resemble each other to play twins or whatever, so we can take Meng Zhi’s word for it. 

They talk about the Make-Prince-Jing-The-Emperor plan, with Meng Zhi wanting to help out, and Mei Changsu wanting to make sure that only his own hands get dirty with all the schemey stuff he’s planning. 

Hu Ge is really good at talking directly to the camera without looking into the lens. It’s a good technique for intense moments and because he doesn’t look straight into the lens, it doesn’t break the fourth wall. 

Building Team Nihuang

Liyang has spent the day trying to warn Nihuang about the roofie wine situation, but can’t reach her due to a lack of cell phones and/or embroidery skills. 

So she takes the daring step of going to Mei Changsu’s guest house--on her own dang property--which is such a high risk endeavor she has to wear a fancy cloak and cary a super obvious fancy lantern.  God forbid a woman walk around her own house at night.  Anyway, she’s able to pass the warning to Mei Changsu, and asks him to pass it to Nihuang. 

Of course that’s when her husband comes knocking, presumably looking for some affection--he actually is a nice husband who genuinely loves his wife, within the context of a society in which rape is perfectly fine, anyway. 

Her junior servants are freaked out, because visiting a man, even your own houseguest, alone at night is not perfectly fine, so if he catches her, they’re all dead, basically. But the elder servant tells them to chill and just watch how she handles it. 

She politely tells Xie Yu that his wife was reminded of their first date, and so maybe he should leave her and her feelings and her sharp hairpins and whatnot alone for a while. (I’m inferring the hairpins.) He looks slightly terrified and immediately withdraws. 

[truetgirl]

Been a weird day so I’m a tad late on the draw by my own time (it’s just past midnight as I type this), but nevertheless, it’s time for another little essay. Today:

Raeda!

Now this one is admittedly the first of a few entries on the list that are gonna be a little simpler than the first few, but doesn’t make it any less important. Least not to me. In any case, in my mind the compelling factor that sets these two apart for me is that they’re older than pretty much every other character in any ship I’ve yet talked about or will be talking about.

It’s kinda sad, really. How little we see of queer people that aren’t in, like, their mid thirties at the absolute most. I’m not saying this stuff isn’t out there, just that it’s sad how little there seems to be of it/how it never seems to get talked about. It’s the kinda thing that subtly leaves the impression that once we hit a certain age our stories either just end or cease to be worthy of telling, both of which are hilariously wrong.

That’s why I appreciate these two so much. They’re an example of a couple of queer people finding each other (or, in their case, reuniting with one another) and having a rich, supportive, and affectionate dynamic later in their lives than we usually get to see.

With how many people were lost to the aids crisis back here in the real world; almost the entirety of a generation who should have now been the real elder members of our communities... Between that almost totally unaddressed psychological scar in our history and the pervasiveness of queerness being framed in popular perception, both in and out of queer communities, as a “young people’s thing,” it is vital that we get more rep like this in media of all sorts.

When was the last time, except with Raine and Eda, that you heard a story in which a queer couple has a talk about one of the partners’ kids? Albeit in their case it was a short talk, what with the fight that was happening at the time, but this:

This is pretty much the only example I know of in which a middle-aged queer couple has any kind of discussion about, well, shit that would only really come up for people their age. Something like how one of them has kids who love and depend on them. Or, in the recent season finale episodes, when Eda asks Raine to keep Luz and King safe in the chaos that’s about to go down. Or Raine’s promise to Luz to protect Eda, understanding when they make it that this is a very serious promise to a young girl to do what they can for her mother (yes, yes, Luz still has Camila back in the human realm, she can still have another mother in Eda).

My thoughts here aren’t as well formed as in some things I’ve talked about so far this month, but I hope I’m at least getting across the important part here. The part about how seeing people like these two is so rare, even as compared to rep of younger queer people these days. The part about how that’s unacceptable, and changing it would go a long way to a world in which young queers can actually imagine themselves growing and aging, like real people always do. It’s no substitute for building stronger and more diverse queer communities that include people of all walks and stages of life, but fuck do I think it’d help.

[silkling]

Hey, Can you make (Bayverse) Starscream meets (TFP) Knock Out?

Knock Out came to with an aching helm and a curse on his lips. He groaned as he sat up, one palm dressing to his forehead and blinking away the static overlaying his vision. He looked around himself once he could see clearly, pausing when he noticed that he was in the middle of an organic forest. The realization made his upper lip curl faintly, and he looked down at himself. And that was when he froze in horror. His finish! It was ruined! There were scrapes in the paint and he was covered in all manner of dirt and other organic filth. He hated it. The medic scowled as he stood, red optics shining with rage. Whoever was responsible for this was going to pay very dearly, he decided. For now, though, he had to get back to base.

He paused as he heard jet engines overhead, optics narrowing. Now, was that one of the little squishies or was it one of the Decepticons? That question was answered when there was the sound of a transformation and a heavy metal form crashed through the tree tops to land in front of him. A red gaze landed on him, and Knock Out could see rage and disgust building in the flyer’s optics before he paused. The look was replaced with confusion and suspicion, and then he spoke.

“Autobots do not usually have red optics.” he growled, voice deep and with a permanent growl woven into it. “Yet I know of no Decepticon who wears such bright colors.” Those optics narrowed to pinpricks. “Speak, stranger. Who are you?”

It was at this point the medic paused. How did this flyer not know who he was? Knock Out was the only proper doctor in the entirety of the Decepticon army. (No, Hook did not count. He did not have the training or the license, for all he had the learned skill). All the others had been offlined in the War. He would have thought that every bot on either side knew him, if only because they knew what he was.

“I am Knock Out.” he said carefully. “And who are you?”

The flyer grinned here, the look savage and far to gleeful for his comfort. “I am Starscream, second in command of the Decepticons!” he announced.

Knock Out blinked slowly, once, twice, then a third time, before fury twisted his features and he let loose a litany of vicious, filthy curses in Cybertronian, combining several dialects and even throwing in one or two curses from the dead languages he’d enjoyed studying in his youth. It made Starscream rear back, optics wide with shock and and EM field buzzing with disbelief. After several long minutes, in which the Seeker could only stare in a growing sense of horrified fascination, (wait, Knock threatened to do what with an engine and an intake? Ouch. Starscream did not want to be in the place of whatever poor fool as angered the bright red Cybertronian), the Aston Martin spit out one last curse before his expression smoothed over and he turned to the Seeker. Starscream, by this point, had taken several steps back and was now hoping that this bot wouldn’t turn his ire on him.

“So sorry about that.” Knock Out said lightly. “I’m afraid I just understood how I got here, and the mech responsible for this mess is going to feel every bit of my wrath when I return.”

Starscream blinked. “I…see.” he said carefully.

Knock Out smirked. “I don’t think you do, so allow me to re-introduce myself.” He stepped forward, crossing an arm across his chest. “My name is Knock Out.” he said with a flourish. “Chief medic to the Decepticons.” he finished his introduction with a dramatic bow.

Starscream sneered. “Impossible!” he snarled. “The Decepticons have no medic. Our last one was offlined by Optimus Prime. This must be some puny Autobot trick!

Knock Out blinked. “Goodness, Sweet Rims actually offlined a bot that wasn’t just a Vehicon drone?” he mused. “This really is different.”

The Seeker reared back, reeling over the fact that this so-called “medic” had just called Optimus Prime Sweet Rims, of all things. Then the second statement caught up to him and he frowned. “Different.” he repeated in a deadpan.

“Yes!” Knock Out threw his hands to the air, the gesture wide and dramatic. “You see, my dear Starscream,” he purred, clasping his hands behind his back. “I am from another dimension entirely.”

Well, that was a new one.

“Explain.”

“In my world, the Great War between the Decepticons and Autobots ended up being brought to a small organic planet called Earth. I assume it’s the same here.” he said, gesturing around them. “Recently, Lord Megatron, that is, my Lord Megatron became aware of the existence of the Iacon Relics. They’re powerful artifacts that were stored in the vaults of Iacon before it’s destruction, and sent away from the planet before they could come into Decepticon possession.” he said. “Lord Megatron learned that possessing the relics granted whoever had them a rather significant advantage, especially certain specific relics like the Relics of the Primes.”

Starscream snorted. “Get to the point.”

Knock Out sighed dramatically. “Oh, very well.” he drawled. “The point is: myself and my partner were sent to retrieve a relic that had only just began putting out a detectable signal. According to our data files on it, it had been created by the old Senate before the war. Unfortunately, the research notes on the subject were corrupted, but what little of the research was clear suggested that the device had been created to study the multiverse theory.” Here, he paused and glanced around himself. “Given that you’re Starscream, and the Starscream I know looks nothing like you, and you do not know me, and the Decepticons have no medic…” he trailed off, raising his hands, palms up as he shrugged. “It would seem that the device was for more than just researching the multiverse theory. The last thing I remember is grabbing it and making for the ground bridge, only for that Pit damned Wrecker to shoot the device in hopes of keeping it from falling into Decepticon hands. Then there was a flash of light and a surge of energy, and what do you know, I’m waking up here!” he finished, through his arms out with a flourish.

Starscream frowned. That…actually lined up. He had been sent ahead of Sideways and Barricade, who were also on their way to this location, because the sensors at the hidden Decepticon base had picked up a surge of unknown energy. If Knock Out was the cause of that surge, and given the fact he was here at its location he might very well be, then it would stand to reason that his story was actually true. Even aside from that, Starscream could pick up no deception in his field or EM field. Granted, bots could still lie even without their voices or fields giving it away, but Starscream was a master at lying, and prided himself on being able to sniff out deception like a turbo-fox sniffing out cyber-rats. Nothing he could tell suggested Knock Out was lying. Which meant his story was, at the very least, partly true.

“I see.” he said, voice devoid of any intonation.

The medic narrowed his optics at the seeming non-reaction, his arms crossing almost delicately in front of his chassis. Something about the way this Starscream had said that made his instincts itch. He didn’t like it. This version of the Air Commander was so very different from his. His Starscream was more skittish and wary, though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, given how his Megatron treated his second in command, the Aston Martin was entirely unsurprised at his Starscream’s more lacking confidence. As of late, Lord Megatron had been….well, even more unhinged than usual. Given how Megatron had taken to lashing out at Starscream for ever petty grievance, it was no wonder the more lithe Seeker was jumpy. This Starscream had many of the same core personality traits, from what he could see, but his behavior was quite a bit different.

“You needn’t worry about me causing any issues in your world.” he said airily, forcing his processor back in track. He dusted some dried dirt of off arm, lip curling upwards in disgust as the stuff flaked off his armor. “I’ll find a place to lay low and stay out of sight of any locals, be it Cybertronian or human. I’m certain Lord Megatron will either fix the device if it was broken or retrieve it if it was stolen and find a way to bring me back.” he said airily. His tone was confident, and though his words sounded like it, he wasn’t bragging.

It was a fact. The Decepticons needed him. None of the others knew how to do proper medical care. Breakdown could certainly perform the simpler procedures, and most soldiers knew basic field care, but Knock Out was the only one who could handle the injuries that went beyond that. Without him, the Decepticons of his world wouldn’t be able to heal their injured soldiers, which would mean more ‘Cons would die and they’d eventually deplete their numbers enough to put the Autobots at an advantage. As vain as it may sound, Knock Out knew that, right after Megatron and Soundwave, he was the most essential member of the Decepticon forces when it came to keeping the faction running,

Starscream clearly didn’t like his tone of voice, however, because the Seeker growled in displeasure. “Oh? And what makes you so certain?”

Knock Out snorted, one optic ridge arching up. “Oh, don’t get so sour.” he admonished. “I told you, I am the Chief Medic to the Decepticons. I am also, however, their only medic. I can put mechs back together from scrap metal, if I must.” he made a vague gesture with his hand. “I do not mean to sound so vain, but I am very much needed by the Decepticon forces back home.” he said airily. “I’m the only trained, licensed medic they have, after all.”

Starscream stared at him for a long moment, and Knock Out did not like the suddenly considering look in his sharp gaze. “I see.” he narrowed his eyes. “So you’re a skillful medic, then?”

The red mech paused. “I’m not as good as Ratchet,” he said carefully. “But I was in the top of the field before the War broke out.”

Starscream smirked, then, the expression showing just a hint of teeth. Knock about suddenly had a very, very bad feeling. “I see.” the Seeker repeated, sounding sickeningly pleased.

There was the sound of pede steps behind them, and two mechs stepped out from the foliage. Starscream lifted his gaze, head tilting with a dark grin. “Barricade, Sideways.” he hummed. “I see you finally made it.” He flashed teeth in an expression that bordered on a sneer. “I’d like you two to meet Knock Out,” He gestured at the increasingly tense medic. “Our newest medic.” He finished with a vicious grin.

Knock Out tensed, his armor plating clamping closed and tight. Oh, he’d been right. He didn’t like this. “Excuse me?” he hissed.

He was ignored. The two new mechs glanced at each other, then looked at him, clearly unimpressed. “He’s a medic? He’s very…bright. Is he a ‘Bot? The silver one asked, sounding dubious.

Starscream hummed. “No, Knock Out here is a certified Deception medic. We’ve been unable to fix any injured warriors properly ever since Prime took out Scalpel. Our new friend here is from…somewhere else.” he smirked. “But he should fill Scalpels’s pedes quite well.”

The black and white mech shrugged. “Works for me. He’s real colorful alright, but he looks too sharp for an Autobot. And Autobots’s don’t have red optics, either.” he sounded bemused.

Knock Out, by this point, had enough if being ignored. His hand transformed into his saw, and the blade whirled to life. “I think,” he snarled. “You will find that I am not quite so willing to go along with you, Starscream. I’ll be found by my own eventually, so I suggest you and your little friends frag off and leave me be.” he hissed.

There was the sound of smaller transformations, and all three mechs were pointing weapons at him. “Weapon away, doctor.” Starscream said, sickeningly sweet. “You are outnumbered, and if you offline one of us the other two will have you subdued easily enough.”

Knock Out snarled furiously, his engine all but roaring with his rage, but he knew the Seeker was right. He did as he was told, and the two mechs behind him stepped up, one on either side, to grip his arms and force them behind his back. He glared at the Seeker, gaze promising pain.

Starscream only stepped closer, reaching out to tap the medic’s chin with a finger. “I think, Knock Out,” He said with a dark grin. “That you will find Lord Megatron reluctant to simply allow you to be stolen away now that we have you. Why, I wouldn’t be surprised if he orders Soundwave and perhaps even Shockwave to develop a way to ensure you cannot be tracked and retrieved by your friends.” He leaned in close, lips twisting in a mocking sneer. “You belong to us now, little medic.”

Knock Out was tense, his processor racing. This was bad. If that was true, then he doubted he’d be able to ever return home. Unless he could get away now, that is. But he likely wouldn’t be able to. He was the smallest mech here. All three of the duller Decepticons were taller and bulkier than he was. He wouldn’t be able to fight all of them. The medic growled, low and angry, and leaned forward against the hold the other two had on him. It caused their claws to dig into and scratch the paint of his arms, but for once he didn’t care. He got as close to Starscream’s face as he could, eyes holding dark promise.

“You had better pray to Primus that you never end up on my medical berth, Starscream.” He said, voice low. “Because while I may fix you, I will also ensure that your stay in my medical bay makes the Unmaker’s Pits seem like the Well of All Sparks.”

There was a rough laugh behind him, and then he was being yanked away from the still Seeker. “Come on, Doc. Time to get moving.” The silver mech grinned.

He was guided firmly through the forest, until they came to an empty road. He obeyed the cold order to transform from the black and white mech, and then they two larger bots followed suit and boxed him in. Making sure to keep the red medic trapped between them, they drove back towards the Decepticon base, the newest acquisition of the Deceptions firmly in tow.

Back at the clearing where Knock Out had appeared, Starscream remained frozen for a moment longer. Suddenly, he felt like he might have made his decision just a little too hastily, and he remembered the creative threats and curses the smaller bit had spat out. If Knock Out was actually capable of even half the things he had threatened in that little spiel, and Starscream got the unpleasant feeling he was, then he very, very much did in fact hope he never had to go to the medic for repairs. Though, given his luck as of late…he had a feeling he’d be seeing the doctor sooner than he thought.

Frag.

[lyracasstuff]

!!!! could i please get hcs for naib and demi (separately) with a princess s/o (fem)? like her role is a princess and all that jazz :D (i recently made a main which is this one, im an idv blog myself i just like requesting things for other blogs :D)

I really really like this request..（・∀・）

Although, please excuse me if these headcannons are shorter for your taste,, I had been busy for quite a while,, and so my brain juices are a little drained...(⌒_⌒;)

Also,, hello fellow idv blogger!!（〜^∇^)〜

Naib and Demi x Fem! Princess! S/o👑✨

Naib Subedar🌛🌌

He would really be shocked and confused as to 1) HOW you got here? And 2) WHY are you here?

You, a ROYAL? Someone who's been sheltered and pampered ALL her LIFE, would PARTICIPATE in a gruesome game like THIS???

He really couldn't understand it..

Although he was very curious about you,, he *did* hold himself back from walking up to you and just bombard you with ALL sorts of questions..

So, it took the both of you some time to be acquainted with each other.. Naib started out small,, like greeting you with a rather stiff and rusty bow in an attempt to "match" with your own elegant courtesy whenever you two crossed paths..( ´ ▽ ` )

Or pulling your seat for you whenever you would sit down and prepare for a match..

To even lending you a hand in carrying your stuff when they were too heavy such as books, clothes, personal hygeine items, hair care, skin care, etc...

(Naib really wonders if you REALLY needed all of your 50 ballgowns and dresses...)

He just really wants you to feel at home despite being trapped in a manor..

On the topic of making you feel at home...

There's another thing aside from doing acts of service: protectiveness

He understands that you were most likely protected and guarded by knights before you went into the manor,, so you *probably* didn't know much about self defense...

So if anyone EVER tries to touch you, be it your hair, your face, your arm..

You can *BET* that Naib is going to be slapping said person's hand away while ushering you to get behind him..

He WILL do this to BOTH survivor OR hunter by the way...(｡･ω･｡)

You were very much pleased by Naib's protection and support,, he was just like your own personal butler and knight back home!!

Over time,, Naib's gestures had gotten bolder and bolder...

He went from doing acts of service, to teaching you how to kite, how to heal, how to rescue, how to vault windows, etc...

However,, you may or may not have teared up from the fact that you accidentally snagged a piece of your favorite dress from trying to put down a pallet...(^_^;)

Naib really panicked at that time.. He knows how to sew open wounds, not dresses and ballgowns!! (◎_◎;)

Nevertheless,, the both of you would still have fun by the end of the day..

Naib really couldn't help but be in love with you... How could he not though?? You were so sweet and elegant in everything that you do..

Even during the moments where you weren't the most elegant,, he still cherished it all the same..( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

Which is why he REALLY couldn't deny his jealousy and saltiness towards Wu chang, Joseph, heck,, even Mary sometimes.. Joseph and Mary are both nobles so OF COURSE you would relate to the aristocratic life,, and Wu chang were GUARDS before they got into the manor,, so OF COURSE they would serve as better protectors than he is..

Then, look at him,, he's nothing more than a man whose ENTIRE job revolves around killing targets that his clients propose.. Well,, at least that's what he thinks anyways..

Be that as it may,, Naib's mind would still be plagued by this thought.. So much so that He doesn't even notice that he's been distancing himself from you...

You aren't the same however... You KNOW that something's been disturbing him, you KNOW that something's upsetting him.. You can literally FEEL it..

And so,, in these times, you would decide to come visit him in his designated room,, all the while comforting him and telling him that while he may not be a noble or a guard,, you still love him regardless of his status and that you are grateful for everything that he's done for you..❤

Naib says nothing,, however, his body language and look of pure love and adoration on his face tells you everything you need to know..❤❤❤

That day has now marked an important event of your lives: the start of a new, blooming relationship..（⌒▽⌒）

First of all,, remember how I talked about his jealousy and protectiveness?? Well,, those just got amplified when you two are confirmed to be in a relationship now..

He sometimes does this thing where if someone wants to speak with you,, Naib would do either of these 2 things: either he asks you if you want to speak to them OR if he's feeling a little selfish with your time,, he just tells them to go "set up an appointment" with you...

He is really astonished at all the different kinds of spoons and forks, all the different etiquettes you follow, the amount of tiaras that you have...

And *especially* at how many relatives that you have.. Which was MUCH larger than the average family size...

((Fun fact: During the Victorian Era, the average family size was actually 6 children.. It had gone down by half by the end of said Era..))

I can't tell why,, but I have this headcannon in my mind that Naib actually prefers more simpler clothing on you.. He just doesn't like too much "eye clutter" per say...

That,, and there's just something so mesmerizing about your regal beauty meshing into the very simple clothing that Naib just finds so.. Heavenly..

All in all,, Naib is just dumbfounded and amazed as to how you had fallen in love with him and just how lucky he is at being with someone like you..

🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚🌛💚

Demi Bourbon🍺🍷

Much like Naib,, Demi over here is confused as to what a royal is doing here...

Unlike Naib, however, Demi is more upfront and straightforward and would just walk up to you and ask you directly..

"Woah!! Hey there!! What's a cute lil blueblood doin here??"

You get this question a LOT.. It stuck around for so long that it became an inside joke whenever Demi sees you in the same room as her...╮(─▽─)╭

Now,, she may be a girl,, but don't be fooled... She's surprisingly strong for her physique... So she'll DEFINITELY help you carry your stuff...

Just be prepared to be bombarded with ALL SORTS OF QUESTIONS about your stuff..

"Daaammnnn~ You royals really love your fancy schmancy stuff,, do you??"

"Ooooohhhh~~ A diamond encrusted necklace?? Hey, you wouldn't mind me borrowing it right??"

"This ball gown matches well with one of my costumes! Hey, how about we both dress up? We would REALLY look great together~❤"

You're going to have to get used to these questions someday...（・∀・）

She DOES teach you the basics,, but in all honesty, she never really lets you apply the things that you learned when you're actually in matches...

A hunter is right behind you?? You can bet that Demi will chug down her D.U.P.H.R.I.N, run as fast as she could and sweep you off your feet in a bridal carry..（＾ｖ＾）

"It is I, Your Knight in shining armor!!"

This happens all the time in matches

A hunter is preparing to take a swing on you?? Well,, not on Demi's watch!! Before the hunter can swing their weapon at you, Demi takes one of her bottles and smashes it onto their head...

She DID lose some morality points for that though....

Eventually,, you had to tell Demi that as much as you appreciate her "support", you still have to stand on your own,, ESPECIALLY when Demi is not in the same match as you are..

Demi would *reluctantly* agree and say that she just can't stand the thought of you being hurt, she doesn't want you to be in harm's way because she knows that some survivors *probably* just see you as dead weight,, considering you've been pampered your whole entire life..

Demi would then go on and tell you that she had been taking a liking towards you, and is interested in being in a relationship with you..

"Listen, your highness, I may not be an ACTUAL knight in shining armor, or a prince from some far away land.. But, I'd still want to take a chance at persuing you.. So, what do you say? Will you allow me to take a chance at wooing your heart??"

You of course say yes,, besides, you don't really care if she is of noble blood or not.. Her bold and daring personality is what made you like her..

And thus,, your relationship has started!!

Demi gets a *little* protective over you,, ESPECIALLY when someone's trying to flirt with you..

"Ah, ah, ah, she's mine~~"

"Oi, she's already taken, you idiot! How about go flirtin with someone who's NOT TAKEN???"

Demi over here doesn't really have any problem regarding jealousy,, if anything,, YOU might be the one having some jealousy problems here and there..

Because Demi practically flirts with anything and everything..

Never fear!! Demi would ALWAYS be there to give you reassurance that you're her one and only..( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ

After that,, she'll tone down her flirty nature by a couple of notches so as to not worry you too much...

Demi would also serve you drinks!! For FREE!!(ノ^o^)ノ

The best part about this is that,, not only are you getting it for free, but you're also getting the FINEST quality...

And she serves your drink in the most dramatic way possible,, all accompanied by a cheeky wink at the end..😉

"Only the FINEST for your highness~❤"

Overall,, your relationship with Demi is surely an exciting and playful one! But don't let that make you think that Demi doesn't take you seriously..

Because she does!! And she will ALWAYS take your relationship seriously!!❤❤❤

🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷🍺🍷

Author's note: I apologize if these headcannons are shorter and a bit "lackluster" for everyone's taste.. As stated before,, I had been busy as of late, so I wasn't able to regain much of my brain juices to write properly like usual..

Nevertheless,, I still hope that you enjoyed reading these headcannons!! (⌒_⌒;)(*´∀`*)

Until next time!! See you all in my next post!!ヾ(＠^∇^＠)ノ💚

[fishmech]

tbh it's pretty unrelatable to me when people are I like "I realized I was trans because of porn" or "I realized I was trans because of this piece of media"

because for me it was like just a steadily increasing presence of out and semi-out trans people irl and online. like starting when I was like in freshman year in high school and someone who was an op on one of the IRC channels I was in decided to come out and change their name on chat and like, she didn't answer many questions but her fellow ops made sure the people who were angry about this had to keep their mouths shut and respect her, and she just continued to talk with this channel of most luck tween and teen webcomic nerds and just, be a person even tho it had been illegal to even be gay in some states just months before she came out to us.

of course before then, before I was 13, there had been people I'd heard of who were trans. People who ran websites or made art or whatever, but none of them were like people who I could just talk to. They certainly weren't people I'd already talked to before or sent silly little jokes on their birthday. So I never really connected my feelings on gender that eventually led to me being a nonbinary trans woman to any of them. But @sarah letting us know that after being @deadname (don't ask me why so many of the "staff" across the forum and chat preferred to use their real first names, when most of the user base preferred typical internet names, it was just a thing to do with these (late gen x/early millenial? in fact at those times today's oldest millenials were considered young gen x) people even tho it was kinda old fashioned) she was still just as good a part of the community meant a lot to me.

and afterward I'd find myself in a lot of communities where a lot of people eventually ended up coming out as trans. Practically every community I was active in in the 2000s led to a bunch of trans spectrum people happening and I'm no exception. The "Sarah moments" just kept happening more often - and with less backlash and eventually no backlash. That's what drove me, ongoing friendship and companionship, not any mere attraction to particular people or being a fan of something.

And tbh it's also why I don't relate to or even like a lot of stuff that purports to involve like people who are transitioning or have transitioned but only recently like, I know it's of course things people relate to today but it speaks very little to my own experience at best and contradicts my experience as like a valid thing to consider at worst.

Cuz I ended up having deep involvement with lesbian friendship/relationship/no not that ex the other one/etc networks way before I allowed myself to think of my presence as being more than token "straight" "guy" ally who happened to to relate hard to the shit people were talking about. I ended up being someone guiding maybe a total of hundreds of trans people in different directions through biomedical and social transition before I could accept I should do it. I gave an easy dozen people new names of which half have kept them, before I could name myself.

It's always about experiencing a community for me, not something simpler where frankly I could have figured out earlier.

[probskay]

Playing Defense

A ball landed in my backyard. It was a soccer ball. Kids in this neighborhood usually played football, so a soccer ball was a new sight. It came from the house on the other side of the block. I hadn’t seen a soccer ball besides my own back here in years. I picked it up and walked to my front door, waiting for whomever would eventually ring the doorbell, asking for the ball back. It was clearly a well used one, covered in scuffs and with the leather flaking off on the corners of every stained-white hexagon.

The ring came, eventually. The kid who knocked spent a few minutes just standing in front of the door, maybe trying to psyche themself for it. He stood in front of me. His kneepads were scuffed to hell, and the ends of his shorts were torn, with loose threads flaying out in all directions. His black bowl cut was totally mussed up from the wind, and sweat poured down his cheeks. He was probably 15.

“Your ball?” I asked, holding it up.

“Yeah,” he replied. “Been getting some reps in. Trying to make the team.”

“What have you been running?” I asked.

So we chatted about soccer. He told me about the drills he ran, and I told him about what drills I ran. I wound up inviting him inside, then outside, to practice some drills and watch him play. Gave him some pointers. Once we were done, we sat inside to cool off and drink water. I let him take the first shower.

He came out wearing some slightly less tattered shorts and a tank top that didn’t have straps so thin that his nipples poked out each time he pulled one arm over the other.

We talked a bit after I came out from my shower. His name was Danny Valdez. He’d recently moved to the area, because his dad got a new job out here. No one had really greeted him. Suburbs.

We would meet like that every weekend for a while. We’d practice soccer, run reps and shoot against each other. I was a way better goalie than he was. He was a striker, and I played defensive midfield. Boys liked to show off with their shots a lot, so they like to ignore defense when practicing alone. Though, practicing defense is hard when you do it alone.

Danny started to join me during lunch, too. Me and my friends sort of took him under our wing. He didn’t really like the other boys on the soccer team, because they were far more into machismo than he was. I had a feeling they were probably racist towards him, too. I knew some of them were resentful that he quickly became the best striker on the team, and pushed the previous ace aside. 

I didn’t used to pay much attention to the boys’ team, but after befriending Danny I paid more attention. It was easy to figure out they all acted. Boys are simpler, and teenage boys especially. I never saw them run any trick plays, instead relying solely on raw speed and skill to win. Not like the teams they played against did any better.

Danny asked me to a dance late that semester. I didn’t have any idea he was into me, but he insisted on the way there that he had had a crush on me for a while.

“Danny, I’m 17. You’re too young for me.”

“No, I’m not too young. Besides, I know you wouldn’t take advantage of me.”

“You don’t know that, Danny. I don’t know that either. Dating isn’t the same as being friends.”

“Valentina, don’t worry so much. I like being around you. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, okay? I won’t do anything unless you suggest it first. I won’t even make jokes.”

“That’ll be the day, Danny,”

Danny laughed. “See, and now that I can’t make jokes you’re picking up the slack. Now please let me make jokes again, it’s weird seeing you not serious.”

I sighed and said “Okay. Sure, we’ll try for a little bit. We’ll check in every week and see if things still feel alright. And you can still make jokes.”

So, that’s what we did. We practiced soccer, we sat very close to each other at lunch, and sometimes cuddled at my place. Nothing ever went further than that. Our friends teased us, saying he acted like a little brother more than a boyfriend.

“Cut it out,” I said, once, in response to the teasing.

“No, it’s okay. I don’t mind the teasing, I know they don’t mean it.” Danny smiled at me. 

“Sorry, Valentina,” one friend said. 

“Yeah,” said another, “We were just teasing Danny. Sorry if it made you feel weird.”

Did it make me feel weird? I guess it must have. I hated the implication that I was dating a sibling. 

“Besides,” Danny said, “If I were anyone’s little brother, I’d be Michelle’s.”

She laughed. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I would say ‘Oy Mami, maybe you should let me have some of your milk.” Danny began making suckling noises and exaggerated motions with his face.

Michelle slapped Danny on the chest and said “I am NOT a momma’s girl, I am a daddy’s girl at best.” Everyone laughed. I didn’t.

Eventually, Danny asked me to come over to his place and meet his family. He didn’t seem especially excited about it.

“Danny, do you want me to come meet them? Really? We’ve been dating for a month and haven’t even kissed.” Not that I really wanted to kiss him. I felt strangely comfortable just doing what we did.

“Si, Valentina. I’ve told them about you and they’re excited to meet you.” He halfheartedly passed his ball to me. I caught it and kicked it up to my knee, bouncing it and keeping it airborne.

“When?”

“This Friday. It’s my birthday. They want to make empanadas and tamales.”

I nodded. “Alright, come over on Friday and we’ll head to your place.”

When we did get to his place, Danny was much more forward about our relationship. He seemed hesitant to let go of my hand. He hugged me more often. His parents spoke to him in a deep spanish, one that I could only barely pick up bits and pieces. My parents reprimanded me when I tried to speak spanish at home, so I wound up avoiding it more than I should have. It never really came up again until I had met Danny. It was something we should’ve shared, but we didn’t.

So I didn’t realise that they were calling him slurs. Making fun of him for never having a girlfriend before. I knew what machismo was and I knew that was it, but I didn’t know it was happening until far too late after. After someone called him something especially egregious, he tried to kiss me. It surprised me, but he pulled away too fast for me to push him away. He seemed embarrassed. His family just laughed.

“Danny, I think I need to go.”

“Let me walk you home.”

“No, I can do it myself.”

“Please.”

I sighed. “Okay.”

We walked home, and it was quiet. Danny kept his distance from me, physically. Quite a few times he stepped on the grass next to the sidewalk.

“Lo siento,” he said, after we were finally in the threshold of my home. “Yo no quise hacer eso. Estaba asustado. Soy gay.”

“Sorry, no hablo,” I replied. “I don’t know what you’re saying, or what they were saying either.”

“They were calling me unkind things,” he said. “I don’t want to tell you what they said. They think I’m gay, and they didn’t believe we were really dating.”

Oh. That made sense. “Well. Are you?” I asked, then added “You don’t actually have to tell me. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I already told you, but it was in Spanish. I’m gay. My family’s right.” Danny laughed, but it was forced.

That made even more sense. Everything added up.

“Are you going to break up with me?” He asked.

“I don’t think we were ever really dating in the first place.”

Danny laughed. “No, I guess not. I think in english I would call you a beard. I don’t know how to say that in spanish. I can’t even grow a moustache.” Another forced laugh.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said. “A beard. That makes sense.” We had made it to my house at this point, and I stepped inside. Danny followed me, and we stood in the foyer and talked more.

“I didn’t want to make you feel bad,” he said.

“No, no,” I interrupted. I think this is good. Like, no, not like your parents and stuff, but I don’t think dating works for me. I’ve tried it before. It… it didn’t pan out.”

“Danielle?” he asked. “Feels like you have a thing for our name,” he teased. He immediately stepped back on the joke. “Sorry. That’s not a good joke. I don’t need to joke around. I’m still nervous from the party.”

“Yeah. I dated Danielle. How did you know?”

“She told me,” he said. “She also called you a lot of rude names afterwards.”

I sighed and leaned against the wall. “I thought we were still friends.”

“Breakups are hard,” he said. “Makes friendship hard, too. She doesn’t totally hate you, though.”

“Maybe that’s why I don’t want to date.” I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. Danny sat next to me.

“For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m breaking up with you. I can’t do this to you if you’re aromantic.”

“I’m what?” I asked.

“Aromantic. Probably. Maybe asexual, too. You don’t like dating and sex and things. Probably. I can’t tell you what you are or not. It’s just what I think. It made me feel like dating you would be safer. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used you like this.” Danny’s hand twitched, as if to reach for mine. To comfort me.

I hadn’t heard the terms before. Well, I knew ‘asexual’ from science courses, but I wasn’t a single celled organism.

“This is weird,” I said.

“Yeah,” Danny affirmed. “Very. Our parents hate us for it. At least mine do.”

“Yeah,” I said. I wasn’t sure about my parents, but they hated a lot of things that weren’t normal. “Yeah.”

[endae]

Fic Writer Interview

I was tagged way way back by @fallen-gravity, and again by @novantinuum. Sorry for the delay, thank you so much Cindy and Jen! ❤️

How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently, 19, but there's still a handful I need to move from Tumblr over to AO3.

What’s your total word count on AO3

110,008!

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Well over a decade now, and surprisingly only 3! I started out in Resident Evil, moved to Pandora Hearts, and now Gravity Falls.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Just Keep Breathing comes in at number one (in no small thanks to fex's beautiful fanart of it, I'm sure). Following it is Aftercare, Rescind, Reset, Louder Than Words, and out and alive.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I really pride myself on responding to every single comment. It's so important for me to show my readers how much I value them taking the time to say something. I try to match their comments lengthwise, a small thank you for anyone that drops a few lines, and something much longer for the ones that really get into it.  

(that being said, if you've sent me one and it's been months, I see it, I promise, I will get to it eventually,)

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

[spoilers for the fic but] It's definitely Before the Bridges Burn. With the premise in the summary, and the fact that I'm working on a sequel, anyone without a clue can probably draw their own conclusions. But you have my promise that Ashes will have a much warmer ending 🙏

Do you write crossovers? If so, what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever written?

I haven't yet! It's probably a mix I won't ever make an attempt on, but I was really piqued by all the GF-Undertale crossover content that was floating around back in 2015 when it first came out.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I'm fortunate to say I haven't, and hoping it stays that way 🤞

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I haven't, no.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, and I hope that's still the case.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not yet, but it might be on the horizon! A friend dropped a fic idea that I'm dying thinking about, and if they ever wanted to commit to it, I'd be on it with them in a heartbeat.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Link and Zelda :) nowadays I could go either way with them as friends or a couple, but it was probably my first ship ever.

What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

A soulmate AU that I was wavering back and forth on for a bit. I've got a lot of heart for it, and while the platonic interpretation of the trope has been embraced a little more in recent years, I still think it's just a little too daunting to put out in public.

What are your writing strengths?

I think I write tense moments relatively well. I put a lot of thought into buildup because the payoff means so much to me. I usually start with the wham moments and craft the rest of the chapter/standalone fic around it, so when it’s all said and done, those moments were truly the heart of the whole thing.

Related to that, I think I’m really good about weaving callbacks and red flags back through WIPs. My biggest goal for anything is for someone to think “I should have noticed that,” or, making the emotional volatile moments carry that much more of a punch because of things I laced throughout it.

What are your writing weaknesses?

brevity my detested,

I think I struggle just...getting to the point lol. I think my descriptions can get a little carried away, because in my head I want the imagery to match as if you were watching a movie, when the two mediums aren’t meant to translate together. I’ll finish something and scroll back and realize “oh. that got Long.” and then awkwardly try to shave it down.

Another that’s been particularly bad lately is just comparing myself to others. I don’t think my writing is as pretty as some of the other writers I follow. Sometimes I even feel like I read old stuff of mine that beats what I put out today and wonder what happened. (tbf life was simpler back then, so I’m sure that’s. half of it)

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I think if you're studying, fluent, or consulting with someone who is, go for it! So long as there’s translations or otherwise easy-to-follow notes of what’s being said somewhere else that we can refer to.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Resident Evil, back when I was about 12.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Still to this day, I’m most proud of Bridges. Even if it was a short multichapter, it’s the first I ever completed, across all fandoms. Nowadays It’s my little of beacon of hope that I can finish stuff even when it feels impossible. There’s a lot working against me these days, but my heart’s still in my writing and the people it connects me with. ❤️

I’m tagging @pinesbrosfalls, @fexalted, and @fordanoia informally if you guys feel like doing it. and you reading this if you haven’t yet!

[ithebookhoarder]

Hey! I love your story the gangsters daughter SO much and I was wondering if I could request something based on it?

Where it’s the night before Evie’s wedding and she goes to Tommy’s office to talk as she’s nervous and they have a fluffy moment where he doesn’t think he’s ready for her to get married! ☺️

Cold Feet (Parent!Tommy Shelby x Evie)

A/N: Ok ok ok. First of all anon, how dare you be so fluffing cute?! And second, OF COURSE YOU CAN! I love Evie and I’m always looking for excuses to write for my baby. Also, I’m totally not crying at the thought of Tommy having to let his little girl go and get married and just wanting her to be happy... I just have something in my eye. 

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of alcohol, mentions of smoking. Let me know if I missed anything. 

Masterlist:

Tommy had always known this day would come. 

It was as inevitable as death was for every single living thing on this planet. 

No matter how hard he’d prayed that he’d have just a little more time left, his luck had finally run out. There was no delaying it any longer now that the day was almost upon him when his life would change in a way that would alter his world forever. 

It was tomorrow, in fact, that Tommy would see Evie shed the Shelby name for another. 

True, he could not have chosen a more worthy candidate, and knew Toby would love Evie as she deserved to be loved. That didn't lessen the sting it caused though, to know his days as the only male in her life were now over. Soon, she would no longer be his, no longer living in the same house as him. She would be a married woman, and that filled Tommy with incredible joy, and incredible sorrow at the same time.

This was the curse of fathers. 

It seemed only yesterday that she was small enough to not even care about boys, let alone marriage. He remembered a particular conversation with fondness, when Evie had only been with them a few months or so. 

It had been in the wake of a row over Ada’s most recent conquest at the time. An annoying boy, Liam had only lasted three dates before being scared off by Arthur, John, and Tommy.  Despite being nothing particularly special, Ada had been incredibly enraged, yelling about how she wanted to marry him and that she’d never find love again. 

Of course, Evie had found the whole thing hilarious, if not a little confusing. Hence, when she’d sat up in bed that night, as Tommy passed by her room one final time, he couldn’t help but smile at her quizzical expression. 

“But, Dad. If she loves him what’s wrong with that? Besides, Mum had a baby on her own… if Ada did end up pregnant would it really be so horrible? She’d have a child, like me, and you all warmed up to me pretty quickly.”

“Well,” Tommy had begun, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of this discussion with his only recently recovered twelve-year old daughter. Polly was always far better at talking about this kind of stuff. “It’s… you see… people tend to only have children when they’re married.”

“Why?”

“It’s just how things are done.”

“Well, that’s stupid.”

Tommy smirked. “Most people would agree with you, but a lot don’t. They can be horrible and cruel, even to women who were in love but weren’t married when they had a kid. So, we’re trying to spare Ada from that. It’s fucking complicated, but at the end of the day, she deserves to be happy, doesn’t she?” 

“Yes,” Evie sighed, suddenly staring down at her bedsheets nervously. “But… does that mean Auntie Martha was right? That I have to get married when I grow up? But Dad, the only boys I like are you… and my uncles… I don’t suppose I could marry one of them?”

Tommy immediately bit back his laughter as he shook his head and held her close. “I’m afraid Martha would object to you marrying our John. Besides, you don’t want one of us old men when you can find someone young and handsome who you love very much.”

“But how will I know who that is? Or if they’re good or not?” she asked innocently. 

“I’ll help you,” Tommy offered, not without a little hesitation. To even think such a time would exist, when he would have to part with his daughter, when he’d only just found her again… “You can depend on it. Any unworthy bastards will be driven away by me, and the hounds.”

At that Evie spluttered into laughter, before pressing a kiss to her father’s cheek. “Now that, I would pay to see.”

Well, that day had come and gone and Tommy hadn’t released any hounds. No. The only hound in sight was Cyril, and he’d warmed incredibly quickly to the new member of the family. 

He hadn’t been the only one either. In fact, Tommy had rolled out the red fucking carpet, welcoming the man into the family. Sure, it hadn’t been without its challenges along the way, but as much as Tommy hated to admit it, Toby was a good man. More than that, he’d proved his loyalty to the family, and to Evie, over and over again. 

If he had to part with Evie to anyone, then at least it was to someone as decent as Toby. It made the whole ordeal hurt just a little less as he sipped his whiskey and stared out of the study window. 

Despite the late hour, there were still faint laughs and shrieks of delight echoing from upstairs. Ada, Lara, Polly and Lizzie were most likely to blame, having taken charge of Evie’s so called ‘last night of freedom’. Tommy didn’t know what that entailed exactly and he didn’t even want to try and guess. Not given how much champagne they’d lugged upstairs with them earlier, having returned from a busy evening dancing at a local club. 

If they weren’t all hungover as hell in the morning it would be a minor miracle. 

Still, as long as they got their asses to church on time and didn’t throw up on the minister, then everything would be fine. No. It would be perfect. Tommy had promised Evie that much and he’d be damned before he failed to deliver a promise as solemn as this one. 

She’d done the same for him, twice in fact, even if his union to Lizzie had been a far simpler affair than his first marriage to Grace. 

At least Evie hadn’t insisted on there being a ‘father of the bride’ toast - even if Ada had… Somehow, Tommy knew his would never be anywhere as good as the ones his daughter had given. 

She always had had a way with words.  

“Dad?”

Tommy froze. 

Speak of the devil and she shall appear. 

He was startled by the sound of her voice, echoing from the open doorway, as if summoned by his worry. He’d almost thought he’d imagined it until he turned and saw her standing there, looking a little worse for wear in her finery. 

Apparently he’d been right; she’d had a very fun evening.  

“Evie?” he blinked, clearing his throat as he tried to compose himself. “What are you doing down here? It’s late and I thought you’d be upstairs celebrating a bit longer. Big day tomorrow.”

Evie smiled, shrugging as she stepped into the office and closed the door behind her. She knew she never needed an invitation, having given up knocking long ago. 

“I was but… I don’t know. I just wanted to come and see you, if that’s alright?”

It would always be alright. Tommy hoped she knew that, even if the anxiety in her eyes said otherwise. Then again, he suspected the nervous energy wasn’t directly aimed at him.  

Over a decade later, he knew his daughter better than he knew himself. It was why he nodded, gesturing to the seat next to him in a clear invitation. “Of course it is, but won’t the others miss you?” 

“Oh, they’re all too busy finishing the last of the wine to miss me right away and… I don’t know why but I needed a minute away from everything. It was all a bit… much.”

“Yeah, well, welcome to my world. This family has always been a bit much,” Tommy teased. That was why they both loved them though. The Shelby spirit was strong and made them who they were. They wouldn’t change it for the world, even if it did drive them nuts on occasion. 

And Toby was willingly entering this family, why? 

“I’m almost scared to ask what’s being going on up there.”

“Probably wise, Dad. No one should see thing things I have tonight.” 

“I thought so.”

A laugh escaped Evie’s lips as she sat beside him, accepting the glass of whiskey he handed her without a second thought. It was simply routine by this point, the two of them caught in a silent routine on nights like this when they needed to simply clear their heads and think. 

It was an unwritten agreement between the pair of them. As was the somewhat confessional nature this room had taken on in its time under the Shelby household. So much had happened since they’d first moved in to Arrow House, from Charles and Ruby being born, to losing Grace, to Evie falling in love, Tommy’s ascension to Parliament, losing John and Esme, Lizzie and Tommy’s wedding… 

Only a decade or so, and yet Evie felt like a whole novel would never be enough to capture her family’s history or the almost surreal events that had taken place.

“Besides, it’s been a while since we had a talk like this, Dad,” Evie continued, shrugging as she sipped her drink and stared at the room. “Everything’s been happening so fast since Toby proposed. It feels like we haven’t had a moment to breathe, really. You’ve been so helpful, agreeing to everything and allowing us to turn this place upside down. I can’t thank you enough for that, by the way. I half expected you to be like Arthur yelling at the florist earlier.”

“It’s the least I can do, Evie. It’s not every day my daughter gets married - and he yelled so I didn’t have to. Fucking trying to sneak carnations in when the order clearly said Clematis with the centrepieces.”

Evie snorted, failing to hide the fact hearing Tommy Shelby raging about flowers was possibly the funniest thing to have ever happened. Ever. Good thing he hadn’t been there when someone had accidentally delivered the wrong amount of chairs for the tent erected out on the lawn. She could only imagine the carnage that would have occurred.  

“My knight in shining armour.” 

“Always. No ring changes that, Evie. I’ll always be there for you, whether it be to fend off blind florists or worse.” 

Despite the fact he acted as if he was merely joking, Evie knew her father meant each and every word. He always had. Even with their ups and downs, he had never abandoned her, always trying to do what was best for her, even if he went about it the wrong way from time to time. 

When she thought back now, to the day she’d first met him in that graveyard, on what had been one of the darkest days of her life, she wished she could tell her younger self not to be afraid. To not be angry or scared of the future before her and the wondrous people that would be in it, thanks to the wonderful man she got to call her father. 

“Dad, can… can I ask you a question? About tomorrow?” 

Tommy hummed softly. “I don’t know what I can tell you about weddings, but fine. Of course.”

“It’s not about the wedding per say, more the bit after. I just… I’m scared, Dad. I don’t know why but I am.”

The words made Tommy’s heart plummet before he’d even realised what she’d said. It took everything in him not to panic or try and express the pain he felt at the idea his daughter was scared about what was supposed to be a happy day - a happy and expensive one, even if Tobias had money enough to cover a lot of the costs. 

“Of what?” 

“I don’t know,” Evie whispered, almost as if ashamed to confess it. “I’m so happy and excited to start the life together Toby and I have talked about for years but, now that it’s here? I don’t know. I just … I feel like I’m going to throw up or pass out and I don’t know why. Is something wrong with me? Who gets terrified of their own wedding?”

“Every fucking sane person on the planet,” Tommy countered swiftly, a hand reaching out to take hers. “As someone with experience here, you can trust me when I say everyone gets scared, Evie. Everyone. No matter how certain you are that you love the person or that this is the right next step.”  

“But why?” 

“Because it’s a big commitment,” Tommy continued, “and it’s a new chapter in your life. That’s exciting but also terrifying. To know you have a chance to start a family of your own? To choose your own path? That’s nothing to take lightly, and if I didn’t think you wanted this, or that you weren’t ready, I would have said something before now. You can count on that.” 

He had a point.  

“And I know you, Evelyn Shelby. You have never let anything or anyone stop you from going after what you want, even if it’s scary or someone says no. If being with Tobias is what you want, then so be it. You’re a grown woman, as much as I fucking hate to admit it. I think you’ve proven over and over again that you’re the bravest one out of the lot of us, and I’m so proud of you. Your Mother would be too. She’d want you to be happy and to enjoy tomorrow for what it is: the start of another chapter in your incredible life.” 

The thought of her absence was enough to make Evie’s eyes sting with tears, as was the conviction with which her father spoke about her. The pride was clear, even if he looked a little scared himself at what tomorrow would bring for them all. 

“Thank you.”

Tommy nodded, knowing better than to argue as she threw herself at him, coiling herself around him as she often did. Ever since the first time she’d done it, he’d been unable to resist it. So what? His daughter’s embrace was one of the few in the world that made him feel loved. It was as if her presence alone was enough to restore him, to banish whatever was troubling him. 

The thought he wouldn’t just be able to have such hugs so frequently made his heart ache even more. 

He didn’t want her to go. 

In his eyes, she was still the twelve-year-old girl he’d first met. She always would be, no matter how much she insisted on growing up and being a so called ‘adult’. It was why he planned on keeping her room upstairs exactly as it was now, just in the case she ever needed or even wanted it. 

That, and because he physically couldn’t bear to erase any remaining traces of her from his home. Of course, Lizzie had teased him rotten about it, even if she understood. Still young, Lizzie hated the thought of Ruby ever growing up and leaving her for anyone - let alone a husband. 

At least they had some time left before that would be happening. Tommy didn’t know if he could survive anymore heartache so soon.

“I love you, so much, Evie,” Tommy whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and holding her close. “You’ll always be my little girl, and you’ll always be welcome here. Anytime, day or night. This will still be your home, and we’ll still be your family. If anything, we’re simply gaining more members, not losing any. Understand?”

“Yes,” Evie nodded, wiping her eyes as she shot him a watery smile. “I love you too, Dad, even if I swear I’m supposed to be the one telling you all this. Isn’t it normally the father of the bride who’s supposed to get all teary eyed and jittery the night before?”

“We’ve never been conventional, Evie. In case you forgot, we have politicians, the Lee branch of the family, and Alfie fucking Solomons all coming tomorrow, for fucks sake. Why should we start worrying about tradition now?” 

Evie’s laughter was infectious at the picture of the eclectic scene awaiting them, especially considering how excited Alfie had been at the prospect of attending a Shelby wedding. Oh, Arthur was going to explode at the sight of the Jewish gangster sat in all his finery. That, and when he saw the huge gift he had been promising her for weeks now.  

She couldn’t wait.  

“True. Well, traditional or not, I’m so grateful for the life we have, Dad. I’ll never be able to tell you how grateful I am that you were the person who showed up at that graveyard,” she confessed. “There’s no one else in the whole world I want to be my side tomorrow. You’ll still walk me down the aisle, right?”

Tommy beamed. “How can you ask that, Evelyn Shelby? I’ve always been right beside you and tomorrow is no different. Wild horses couldn’t stop me.” 

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Tommy whispered, “simply enjoy yourself and let me and the others take care of the rest. That’s all the thanks we need… and maybe call once in a while, just so I know you’re alright.”

Evie laughed, knowing she would probably still end up here most of the time anyway after she was married. But she agreed, pleased to put his mind at rest as well as he’d put her own. “I really do love you, Dad.” 

“And I love you too, Evie. Always.” 

[mcrmadness]

This is just me talking about (my) asexuality and aromanticism and mainly about how I figured I'm aroace. I'm from Finland and recently turned 30 so my experience and "lgbt+ history" might not be what you know it as, especially if you are not from Europe, or if your native language is English.

Also this is highly personal, so I doubt anyone here will have 100% same experience. But that's fine because remember: we're all individuals here and these are NEVER universal. You're still valid even if you wouldn't relate to what being aspec is to me.

It might be IS a long post so beware, but I've just been feeling like writing down some thoughts so here we go...

What I have been able to track is that I was 17, in 2008, when I first stumbled upon the term "asexuality". I don't remember exactly how, but I just remember reading about it and immediately going "yeah that's me". But what I do remember is that no one talked it being about sexual attraction. Basically how understood it was: asexuality = sex-repulsion.

I was 17, and somehow I knew I was sex-repulsed, but at the same time also thought I'm just a minor, so it's normal to be sex-repulsed. But even after turning 18, I don't recall ever feeling sexual attraction. I didn't think of myself as a "late bloomer" but just as someone who just has no interest towards sex. At some point I became really anxious of men, however. Nothing has ever happened to me* but still I, for some reason, developed terrible fear of men. I'm afab and just did not want to be seen as an object, and it made, still makes me, terrified to think someone might look at me and have Emotions. I know that we can't control our brains, I mean, I can't look at someone and force myself to feel attraction - just like those who do feel attraction, can't force themselves to stop feeling attraction. They can only control their actions. But yeah, I also had horrible (sexual) intrusive thoughts due to my generalized anxiety disorder at some point, which did not really help. They got a bit better when I came into terms with my asexuality and aromanticism, but sometimes they still come at me and it's never fun, but at least they're not as strong as what they used to be.

*(Unless if you can count that as sexual harrasment when, CW, I was 11 and a classmate was "into" me and tried to touch my face and talk "sweet things" to me but made it into a show despite me being uncomfortable and usually crying cos as a neurodivergent I didn't know how else to react.)

But anyway, back to the topic. So for years I understood asexuality as sex-repulsion, but I guess it's because I, well, am a sex-repulsed ace. So if I'm sex-repulsed, why would I then look at someone and feel something if I'm repulsed by the thing anyway? Like, it probably can't get any simpler than this :D And I know today that it's not as simple anymore. But that was 2008, at school (in ~2005) they only talked about gays a little, on one page in a sex.ed. book that otherwise was maybe 100 pages long. Only one page. About gays. And it was basically "Some boys like boys or some girls like girls and it's totally fine." and that was it, but the overall assumption was that everyone likes someone. And also there were no romantic orientations. Liking someone = both sexually and romantically. Not liking = not a thing except when you were depressed or otherwise mentally ill, or autistic or mentally disabled (which is a SUPER ableist take btw). I don't remember teachers ever talking about this, but it could also just be my adhd, maybe they did mention, but I just don't remember. At least in my notebooks there is no mention of this, everything was very much heteronormative and amatonormative, and also there was only two genders. I don't remember ever hearing about transgender people, apart from foreign documentaries and in them they were always portrayed as some shocking freaks of the nature, and loads of wrong terms were used. And this is still the mid and late 2000s we're talking about!

So this takes us to the other part aka aromanticism. Back then asexuality was not only sex-repulsion but also merged together with aromanticism, because people didn't talk about romantic orientations yet. So asexuality was not only sex-repulsion, but also you simply just not wanting a relationship. Again, nothing about attraction, just someone who did not care about sex nor relationships. A "forever single", if you will.

This was already annoying me a lot back then because I was really annoyed by sex "running the world". I was so angry because why is asexual the only sexuality that doesn't like sex? All the other sexualities had the assumption of them always wanting to have sex. Like, even think about someone who is straight, you hear that someone is straight, and you automatically assume(d) that oh they're into sex too cos why wouldn't they be. This was really driving me nuts because I was sure there are people who want to have a partner, but never want to have sex! I was still experiencing crushes, and I knew for sure it was nothing sexual, so it annoyed me that just because I'm asexual, it means I can't have crushes. That's why I actually called myself as "asexual bi" for a while, because "bisexual" indicated I would have not been sex-repulsed and I wanted to point out that I'm NOT into sexual things, at all - and remember that this was still the late 2000s or early 2010s and I had not heard of romantic orientations yet! So I was up to something, there just were no terms for that yet! Today that would be called bi-/panromantic asexual.

I haven't been able to track the exact date or even year when did I figure out I'm aromantic, or when did I hear about romantic orientations for the first time. From the messages I've been able to find, I was already in my early 20s. Aka somewhere around maybe 2011-2013. In those, I have still been wondering what I am or if I even want to have a relationship, not being really able to tell what I wanted or didn't want. Again, no one told me romantic orientations are about ATTRACTION and not about whether you have commitment issues or not (this as a half-joke, cos I have severe commitment issues with everything :D I need to feel free!).

Anyway, I do remember my key moment with aromanticism, or the "aromantic awakening" as you could call it too, was when I was 17 or 18. Or maybe I was older? I don't know, I have time blindness. Anyway, I had this one online friend I had a "crush" on (I think it was just undiagnosed adhd's person hyperfixation) and I even told her about it. Everything just is super shady, from those years, I was not really on my best and there are so many overlapping memories that feel like different alternative universes instead of memories on a same timeline. Anyway, I just remember at some point thinking about this girl and I thought about some "romantic" stuff, like kissing, and I just remember my brain going "NOOOOOPE!" I had wanted to meet with her some day so bad, but when I started thinking about actually meeting with her, I started to nope the fuck out. All I had in my head was awkward embarrassing "first kiss" scenarios from movies and I just was not having it! I basically went "lol I guess I'm aro too, then XD" but I still don't remember when did I have this realization. Was I 17? Or was I, say, 22? I guess I need to go through my old MSN Messenger and Skype convos some day to investigate this further because I really want to know. I couldn't even find anything from my Tumblr from those times (I registered here in 2011), but I don't know if that's just me not tagging or Tumblr search functioning normally (aka it never finds anything).

But yeah, I am touch-repulsed. And kiss-repulsed, and romance-repulsed, too, (unless it's my OTP we're talking about). I'm still not exactly sure if I'm touch repulsed because I'm aromantic, or if I'm aromantic because I'm touch-repulsed. I only know that because of my sensory issues (I'm neurodivergent), I have never liked touching nor being touched. Even as a little kid I hated hugs and never liked sitting on anyone's lap. I only tolerated my parents, mainly my mom, because they were my safe place as an extremely shy baby/toddler/kid, who was especially wary about men. I can't explain the latter, but there was something about adult men that caused me (as a baby) to hide my face against my mom's shoulder if they talked to me. I did that to everyone I didn't know, but especially to men I didn't know. No idea why.

I also remember how my siblings loved to sit on people's laps and were always climbing onto their laps, and I didn't like this. And once my (late) grandma was so touched when she asked me if I want to sit on her lap (I was maybe 5-7?) and I agreed just to make her happy. I still remember how it felt, and I did not like it at all, but it still made my grandma so happy that I THINK she almost cried when she told my mom I actually agreed to sit on her lap. I'm not sure how real this last part of the memory is because I was so young. But I do remember thinking I do that for a change because I knew my grandma would be happy.

So yeah, my touch-repulsion is not exactly a new thing but just something that has been a part of my personality forever. But is that the core reason for why I only feel aesthetic attraction? I never look at people and feel like I wanna touch. More of the opposite, the idea of having to touch them or them touching me makes me go "eeewww". If you have seen that video of a gibbon shaking their whole body after seeing a rat in their exhibit? That's what I feel like when I think about touching or being touched, in just any way, also platonically.

The only time I feel "sensual attraction" is when I see photos or videos of animals. The urge to pet a tiger is insane. But the feel of another human's skin or muscle (or hair or whatever) is very repulsive to me.

I still remember how disgusting it felt to e.g. sit on a cousin's lap. We sometimes used swings like this, and somehow I was aware of it not feeling nice, but still not doing anything about it cos it also was okay? Only later I have realized I really, really loathe the texture of human skin. Or the warmth and overall feeling of a human body. For example, I was at least 7 or younger when I sat on my cousin's lap while we were sitting on a swing and STILL, after over 20 years, I have that all in my body memory. I remember how the thigh bone felt under my legs and how freaking disgusting the muscles felt inbetween. Also at school, on the 1st grade, we often had to walk in a line of twos after the teacher and hold the pair's hand so no one gets lost. My then-friend had so ridiculously dry skin that the only thing I could think of was how I felt like throwing up because the skin on her palm felt so damn disgusting. I still can feel that in my hand when I think of it. That's one of my "core memories" from 1st grade - how disgusting the human skin can feel like.

I don't think I have ever felt actual romantic attraction towards anyone. It's really difficult to differentiate because as I mentioned, I get those people hyperfixations easily. I guess it's the same hormones but I never really want to do anything with them? I guess it's the emotional intimacy that "attracts" me and what gets me excited, but I'm still not exactly sure what emotional intimacy means to me. I don't exactly fall into the QPR category either, in a way I wish I had a best friend whose best friend also I would be, and that neither would have anyone else who is "better" than the other one. But the only intimacy there would be emotional intimacy, nothing else. And I need my freedom so I wouldn't move in with any human being, either.

Sometimes I've thought my "ideal partner" would be a robot because if I get annoyed, I could just turn it off and stuff into a closet and leave there, and if I felt like not having a "relationship" anymore, I could just remove the harddrive and destroy the robot, or both. That way I would be the only one with the memories, and I wouldn't have to worry about someone out there knowing things about me, things that only the closest can know, and I'm really afraid of letting anyone close in case it won't work (also with regular friendships) because I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I had that MIB memory cancelling device so that they would again know almost nothing, or at least much much less about me. There's already one friendship that ended a few years ago and I still keep thinking about how I wish I could take everything back and how I wish they delete(d) all the files and drawings and stuff I sent them. There are so many things about me I wish I never told them, now as we are no longer friends. Back then it felt like "of course this is gonna last a lifetime!" but turns out that nope, not all friendships will.

I guess it's time to stop rambling. This post is really long already. If you read it all the way here: congrats. And thanks. You probably just wasted your time but... that's on you I guess :DDD But yeah, some thoughts from a 30-years-old aroace who has been aware of their identity for at least or almost 10 years now.