#a little bit because i cant help myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

butadailovehim · 5 months ago

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i absolutely adore how much fun orlando bloom is having in lotr movies. he's 22 years old. he landed one of the major sexy roles in the movie. he has a crush on his hot older scene partner (viggo). he's giggling like a school girl but he also films badass scenes, and they gave him a fairytale horse and he gives him kisses. he has a pretty wig.

#its not breaking news or anything but i believe “orlando is having the time of his life' is part of why legolas is the way he is #everyone around him is struggling and or dying #and he just like :3 #which fits perfectly because of course he's detached hes a sheltered immortal being from a remote kingdom #its embarrasing how much i love him #legolas greenleaf #lotr #lord of the rings #aralas #a little bit because i cant help myself

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larrythefloridaman · 1 year ago

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WOAH, HE'S BIGENDER? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!

#hey. hey. im just saying. he LITERALLY 'transed his gender' in a diagetic bit in orange. and if that wasnt enough.#in blue he disguised himself as squid jenny specifically with larry's powers (the only thing hes done with them on screen)#got caught by his god-assigned roles-obsessed caretaker. and was given the label of being something intrinsically unescapably deceitful.#while 'pretending' to be trans girl.#like. if i wasnt pretty sure it was all an accident i might even call the allegory here slightly heavy-handed.#with the nccts emphasizing a theme of 'youre not just what people say you are #you can be more than one thing at the same time' with crim #i think crimson can have boygirl swag. some bigender pizzazz. i think he deserves it.#is it REALLY a cpu kerfuffle arc without a subversive narratively relevant gender-transing.#am i supposed to believe the spirit of deviance himself is cis? get fucking real. grow up. /silly #also a lil crimtoinette in there. just for flavor. because i cant help myself.#also sidenote the nccts have given him this cute lil tendency #to tip his hat down to hide his face when hes trying to be Genuine or Thoughtful or Poignant. and i enjoy that little touch #i maybe like this guy a little too much. hes most of what ive drawn for months.#but what do you want from me. i read him as a queercoded villain deconstructed at the metanarrative level.#am i just supposed to be normal about that.#me and zia talked about this in dms and discovered. we came to a lot of the same conclusions. completely independently. lmao #cpuk crimson

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sieglinde-freud · 3 months ago

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thinking about them and banging my head against the wall again whats new. they are making me so emo. god. what the fuck

#ann plays fates #theyre like all i can think about rn #its that time of the year #i mean i think about them both constantly separately but its always when september comes #do i get hit with the laslow/nyx rarepair brainrot i think #that just lasts through fall and winter #not that im complaining. i think eventually i will have posted the entire fucking conversation #i cant help it. each part gives me a segment of dialogue to be ill about #i have ‘but with burdens so heavy dont you think we can lean on eachother a bit?’ on my wall #ROMANCE. TO ME (girl who is aroace)#also underrated thing about them i like how nyx flirts back #its more prevalent in their A support but shes so fun with him even beyond the bonding over traumatic pasts #i think with laslow he does a lot of flirting right bc hes laslow but a lot of the time its like #no ones matching his energy #i was gonna say match his freak but i dont think he has any freak if im so real with u #if he does its buried beneath five metric tons of shame and embarrassment #and i like how his… laslow-ness kinda gives nyx space to let loose if that makes sense #like he can match her maturity because he. you know. all of that #but hes still young and so she can find a little bit of reprieve from it all in his attitude and blah blah blah #if that makes sense #they r just so perfect. TO ME #ive only ever written and posted one thing for them but i have like five million (like six) things in my drafts i need to get back #into writing. rarepair hell gotta feed myself #also that was like two years ago it kinda sucks a bit but thats fine its called growth #i just miss them. i dont really have the brainpower to play fates but i have enough to think about them #i mean i played a little but ive mostly just been doing dumb shit with the class system and not rly playing the game #we’ll get to it #im supposed to be sleeping

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triglycercule · 2 months ago

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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)

#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint #dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good #I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS��😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what #anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up #the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff #i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons #i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them #if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva #anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it #someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms #lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain #if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him #he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok #i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside #god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame #but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure #SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO #ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling #im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me #UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop #anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw #i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous #and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy #actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right #tricule rant

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bitegore · 1 month ago

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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now

#red rambles #my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela #related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i #keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth #about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't #convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina #oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati #all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound #like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao #but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time #........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment #ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically #but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but #im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m #friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in #ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.

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todayisafridaynight · 2 months ago

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Since you mentioned it, what did you think of Speak No Evil? I was thinking of watching it myself :0

i really liked it ............ my friend scoffed at me when i told her i was watchin it so take my opinion with a grain of salt tho </3

#snap chats #SHE DIDNT EVEN WATCH IT BUT W/E SPOILER FREE QUICK REVIEW DOWN HERE HIIII <3<3<3<3 #ive been made aware my tastes are. Questionable so proceed with caution vlklvjv im so sorry if i convince you to see it and you dont like i #moving on I Have. done nothing but listen to Eternal Flame for the past week its been stuck in my head ever since #BUT FR as i said I Really Liked It. i heard that theres another/original version so i wanna watch that at some point #if i care to remember and find it vjaelkjeakl but as This Movie On Its Own i had a swell time !!!#it does a really good job of teetering that line of #'this is just a quaint little sometimes-awkward get-together' and 'this is so stressful i just might throw up'#it did a good job of keeping me invested and on my toes i guess- it bitters innocuous scenarios really well which i like #like i wasnt sure WHEN whatever scene i was watching would turn sour but i always had that feeling it /would/- that lingering feeling #the horror in this is more psychological than violent- it only gets crazy by the last quarter honestly #which isnt bad! i like psych horror and Christ. the amount of times i was just grimacing in my seat like Suspense Is The Word #like imagine a dinner party where people only say controversial things and you dont want to blow up the situation #so you just try to be really polite about pivoting from the topic. but they keep going. thats basically the horror of this movie at its cor #i do have SOME comments about some bits but i wanna rewatch the movie at some point to be thorough on my comments jglejlakj #yk do a rewatch where im. NOT jokin bout with my brother- THO TBF DESPITE THAT I was still invested #like its premise is so. simple? in concept imo. but 'simple' isnt automatically bad in my eyes and i really liked how it played out #i dont watch movies much tho so maybe its been done different but there is ONE thing tht definitely made me like. HUH #but its nothing super major i dont htink? I MEAN IT WAS KINDA BIG BUT there were signs to it being revealed. still it made me vjLJ like god #i cant explain tho cause SPOILERS but ... Yeah. its not that crazy it just definitely took me by surprise for how quick the reveal was #tldr: if you ever wanted to watch an awkward dinner party where you couldnt do anything about it this is the movie to watch #and i like that. i like that because i hate myself apparently jVLAEKJVAEKLJ #coupled with horror it was also funny at times which i felt did help with that underlying 'when will this be tainted' horror #i really liked that ... when normalcy or the feeling of safety can be taken away in an instant #if you watch it and wanna talk bout it more in depth ill prob have rewatched it by then and id like to give a more. Detailed review #OR AT LEAST ONE NOT SO RAMBLY VELKAVJEALKJ im not good at reviewing things .... i just know when i like or dont like somethin ..#ive only had my bro to talk bout this with and he doesnt really. Give his thoughts or opinions too much like i do #so id be happy to talk bout it and get your perspective !!!! but only if you want Again if you dont like it im so sorry erlakjaekl #god theres so much more i want to say but im just rambling and i wanna be brief for you my friend vlakjlakvlkj #anyway yeah. those are my quick thoughts. i was Very Normal about james mcavoy for most of this movie ty for reading

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voidimp · 5 months ago

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maybe now that i have adhd meds i can attempt Language again

#i mean ok i had them before but different ones & they didnt work. but i think what im on now is what i was on in hs & those Did work #(& then i stopped bc i was like well i am not in school anymore i dont need these. & then. i moved out. and oops i do need them actually)#(unfortunately due to the adhd & also my medical records having gone fucking missing somehow(???) it um. took a while)#but ough i must learn words......... i just need to Actually set aside time for it . and like keep a fucking notebook im not making the #mistake i made with french where i start out like oh this is easy :) & then it gets harder but i havent been taking any notes & now idk How #& so i just give up. we are not doing that this time we are taking notes From The Start and figuring out what works .#but...... probably not this month. this month is Busy. maybe august..........#thats actually a little bit of a lie bc i Have already started theres a podcast w some basics that i have on my work mp3 player #buuuut its been a minute & also Because i only listen to it at work im not really able to pick up on everything. so im basically still #kind of starting from scratch lmao.#honestly my biggest complaint w the podcast is that like. while it does have a sheet w the translations it doesnt have Pronunciation & bc i #have auditory processing issues i cant actually figure out How they are saying certain words just by hearing them.... bc i dont know that i #actually hearing them Correctly. fucking cannot identify sounds disorder killing me over here #doesnt help that its a language where pronunciation is Quite Different than english lmao......#i did find a pronunciation cheat sheet online somewhere & i . bookmarked it? downloaded it? sent myself a link on discord? fuck idr #but i also dont know if theres significant differences in dialect between the two. idk what dialect the cheat sheet was even made.. for? in #whatever ykwim its 6:30am i need to sleep

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sentofight · 7 months ago

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ooc. u know since i started teaching i think my grammar is getting..........tiny..........tiny...weeensyyyyyy eaaannyyyy better. i know how grammar works but then i write my brain: *slides arabic structure here because it can* and then you have arabizi*

#ooc.| faty speaks #[i know i still do it but (verb have) in a past sentence my brain: gotta use the past form of the verb too duh #[modal verb carry the tense so no need to say something like they didn't had it should be have...#[me: its easy. brain: lmao ok i cant apply it because whatever~ whaaaatever~~~~#[sTOP IT ZA.CK FAIR STOP IT!!!! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO WWHATEVER ME NOW NOT EVEN IN JP!!! I WARN YOU BRAIN #[never mind me im just little bit emotional. remember when i used to write am instead of I .... yeh. same.#[i give myself pain because i can #[LISTEN. IM TINY BIT PROUD. AT LEAST I MAKE SENSE NOW..........RIGHT?...RIGHT???????????????????#[we passed the your and you're stage too. luckily i didnt get them mixed up. it is the there and their for me XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD #[help me..im suffocating because of past memories waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!#[let me not open my old multi muse blog and look at my writing sobs #[oooh c r i n g e ~~~~~~~#[yehaw i wanna bother wars suddenly weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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zoppzoop · 6 months ago

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GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.

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clownpassing · 1 year ago

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i wish i had a more normal social upbringing because making new friends and exploring fwb situations is like what do you mean you have a life outside of me? what do you mean i am not your #1 priority? what do you mean we aren't hopelessly codependent on each other?

#txt #op #like i recognize it as my codependency which i am still very much working through so i try to handle it as maturely as i can #but sometimes i can't help myself because i take flaking so personally and it really hurts when i am always the one to make plans first #because i want new healthy relationships so bad #i just get so excited when someone wants to be my friend or a little bit more i want to hang out and do things and whatever #ugh idk thinking about this is making me sad #anyway fuck rio and fuck ellis and i cant believe i still have to heal from shit from those stupid assholes

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mudstoneabyss · 1 year ago

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so much of my blogging whenever I have classes is complaining about them but erm. in my defense they're stressful and overwhelming

#So ermm to vent a little bit #i dont know how to do anything on my own so the expectance for me to be able to for these classes is a lot #Like for this thing i need to write an essay outline based on an introduction paragraph only. which i think? means i have to find sources #for the details on my own. which i dont know how to do #i do know /technically/ but i dont know whats good information and trustworthy sources and also there's so much stuff to sort through #i was never taught how to do it and now when i try its just. confusing and frustrating and exhausting and makes me too upset to even keep #trying to work #and im not even sure what all of these points in the outline means because where it probably wouldve been explained was the lecture which #was canceled and the powerpoint for this week doesnt cover it #and there's the textbook but textbooks are nothing to me i cant process and retain information from them #which hey sucks for my online classes that are wholey based around teaching yourself from the textbooks #(but i cant do in person classes due to transportation reasons + mental health reasons)#but augh #im such a guy who cant do anything by myself and getting the amount of help i need isnt an option idek how to ask for any amount of help #like yeah email my professors but tell them what? i dont know how to do the class i signed up for?#that i dont know how to do basics 101 school shit? like im confused about some of the work and by some i pretty much mean all #and eaugh its not a frustration i can push through because trying to push through it just makes it worse it tips past #''oh idk how to do this. fuck''#into ''oh god i dont know anything about how to function im literally worthless''#which. i think i said earlier? makes it so i cant. work on anything anymore.#but also its not an option for me not to work bc i cant fail bc ill be expelled or whatever and charged money and what then #joyousposting #negative //#anyway sorry for getting suicide ideation over school back to regularly scheduled blorboposting or whatever

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triglycercule · 2 months ago

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and if i said the mtt reminded me of these three idols then would i get tarred and feathered

#YES!!!! anyways when will someone draw them all in straitjackets istg #ive been on a bit of a new artist roll today. just discovered akali. and then checked out these 3 #ikigusare idols i knew you 3 were mtt from the moment i saw you no doubt. a shame sango is green instead of purple #anyways mtt connection i like how niigo's left eye is the same eye that flickers killer's sans part ish eye #but like the eye is literally sewn and kept open forcefully. like hey sans part of killer you gotta b part of this 2! no looking away!#was thinking the 3rd eye on sango could be like papyrus. like 2/3 of the head is dust and 1/3 is paps #took seeing his brother to whole different level!#horror's is obvious his eye's just 1 because he's got his whole 1 eye symbolism #mtt but they all have body disformations and its all related to their eyes somehow #can just imagine like...... killer's left eyesocket bashed open and the eye floating in there while the dt goop constantly flows out of it #ikigusare idols all have the same voice and #the mtt would.... as well..... bc theyre all yhe same guy #these idols dont have canon lore im like 80% sur i can make as many crazy mtt connections to them as i possibly can #their music is so like. just a LITTLE bit off. like obviously the voices but just like the notes are just SLIGHTLY off and its so duchahahhh #im not gonna listen to them regularly bc it not my thing but hahahaha mtt........ mtt reference #my english notes have mtt references in them. my friend makes mtt references now because of me #i squeeze my shampoo into my hand in a sparkle star heart shape because of the mtt #it was 4:30 in the morning today and i saw a tiktok comment mentioning the mtt and i tried not yo scream #yk i think ive convinced myself that im not as deranged as i really am about these 3 but lime........ erm what the murder this is freaky!#someone said in a gc that they auditions for acapella and wondered if they got in #this is so mean but my first verbal reaction was literally hell no💀 its SO MEAN #theyre rubbing off on me help. i cant just say it was all the mtt's fault when i'm a goddamn asshole #NO OFFICER I SWEAR IT WAS THE SKELETONS THE THREE SKELETONS THEY POSSESSED ME TO SHOOT THE #yeah....... lets not continue down that path (i say as i made several 9/11 jokes today unprompted)#god typing out tags with silly comments like these are so satisfying :3 always forget how much i luuuuv thumblr #DAMN my typing style has changed a LOT from what i remember. in just a couple of months ive evolved #tricule rant

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years ago

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...

#the burdent of not being understood. its annoying and i dont like it. also its my fault #because if u say something serious in a light tone ppl dont kno wtf to do. prob bc they dont kno if ur delusional or not and like dont #wanna upset u. but then its like annoying bc they still walk away worried and im like ok neither of us r happy bc u dont get how serious #thjs is but i cant tell u how serious it is without making u worried. and y should i make u worry if u can't fuckinf do anything abt it?#so its just annoying. which is to say i went to a retirement lunch today and it was as awkward as i imagined #bc it was me and my boss and a couple professors and i dont do well in these group situations anything so i spent a lotta time spaced out #not hearing anyone bc the noise in the room was messy and my brain was peeling away from my body. but whatever i was there. and my boss #drove us both and on the way back she started the. im worried abt u talk. which i feel like she was too hesitant abt it. which like i get #bc its awkward to bring up but like i dont give a fuck so idk i feel like u gotta start those conversations like. this is how watching u #makes me feel. idk whatever. and i was honest but like it was a 5min car ride so i didnt have thr time to be like ok heres the deal. ya #kno? so now im all annoyed bc my brain is fucking unbearable when i feel like i havent made my thoughts clear. and now its like. do i bring #it back up? or just let it go? whats to be gained by talking abt it? all that i have to say is upsetting bc im very aware im being self #destructive. thats the point. i get boried and my brain only lets me do like 2 things so i use those things to make myself insane. bc at #least then i can observe the symptoms of the stress im exherting on myself. and i kno that not good bc idk how to stop and ppl r always #like u gotta relax. what will help u relax? and im like u dont fucking understand. i cant regulate thr amount i like things. if i like #something i like it so much it becomes stressful. and i like drawing but its not relaxing. its a thing i have to do and its stressful bc im #constantly thinking abt making things perfect and never meeting thst mark. my happiest memories arent even happy moments theyre just times #where my brain stopped for a second and i could just breathe for a minute. so like i cant relax. i dont like anything a normal amount so #the solution must be medication. but my brain has decided im not allowed to fix this problem until i move away so like 🙃 and like i was #giving little bits of this in the car but its like lady i kno its a problem. ive known its a problem for years. the self awareness doesnt #help. except that it keeps me from doing anything extremely bad bc for me if i at least kno where it comes from i can b like ah yes. this #is fucking stupid lol. but i dunno how me sharing all this helps bc im sure it only raises the worry. but like its fine. i mean its not but #like ya kno. and i was kinda explaining how upsetting it is for me to have my schedule changed without warning even if its for things other #ppl would see as good and i wasnt thst firm abt it so it was: but i can't just do nothing for u! and i was like ugh fuck it fine whatever.#and like do i bring that back up bc it is like a respect my boundaries thing but like i feel like if i were anyone else it would be good #to drag someone out of their comfort zone but im being dragged into situations i find profoundly isolating bc i cant seem to function in #groups. ugh its just fucking annoying bc i dont want her to feel bad. i appreciate the effort but like ugh its exhausting. whatever. it was #anyway. im just annoyed thst i should have explained things better. also im annoyed thst i constantly forget most things taste bland and #then im annoyed when i hsve to eat bland things. i think my nose doesnt work right bc i csnt smell much either #unrelated

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dog-girl-zezora · 2 years ago

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normal people should not ask me any personal questions i will literally respond in the most insane way possible like i cant just be like "oh thats personal" hell no im about to make it your problem for asking you FUCKING IDIOT.

#why dont you go to church oh maybe because it makes me want to KILL MYSELF FOR THE PAST 11 FUCKING YEARS?#why do you always seem to be to yourself oh maybe because im bipolar and i tend to have emotional issues with people i do not know #because people act like they know me and i want to rip them apart.#i am NOT interested in general people. i do not care. do you understand. you do NOT ask me personal questoins i will EAT YOUR FACE #im normal with a normal job i act normally #maybe its because im MEDICATED and have a very good mental coping mechanisms and outter support.#IM SO NORMAL.#im normal because my brain knows how to REGULATE ITSELF but FUCK i want to be VIOLANT SO BADLY #SO BADLY I WANT TO BE SO VIOLENT ALL THE TIME #and other times i want to just lay in the rain and melt crying till im no more #AUGH I CANT BE NORMAL IN THESE CONVERSATIONS YOU FUCKED UP #auuughghghg it doesnt help i already had an episode today.#of course i have nothing to hold me back i already released my inhibitions #im hashtag a little bit of a bitch. but only because i ddont want anyone to get close ahaha #not in a fucking cute way #in a fucking. i desire to kill you if you over step my boundary way.#personal #im normal :/

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deelovesbooks · 5 months ago

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so @alchemistc do I address my therapy bill to you directly or

they're so adorable and nervous

#your tags gripped my heart and attempted to yank it from my chest 😭😭#tommy being into evan but resigning himself to it being just another date that didnt work out #preparing for the lets just be friends and forget that date ever happened #or even maybe a 'i thought about it and guys just arent for me lets keep this whole thing just between us yeah?'#he's prepped himself for a let down. thinks (hopes) evan will probably do it gently bc he seems like that kinda guy #but then #then evan is saying the coffees for him and giving apologies that arent necessary (but that tommy cant help but feel soothed by)#and then hes talking about wanting something with tommy and inviting him to his sisters wedding talking about dancing together #and theyre sitting at the table evan chose right out in the open where everyone can see them and #oh. ok. maybe this time just this once tommy can let himself have expectations above ground level #can let those little bits of hope sneak their way into his heart #because sitting here with evan holding hands over truly disgusting coffee if tommy lets those little bits of hope in #well #it feels like it could be the start of something good. important. something that is maybe already starting to taste like it could be forever #bucktommy #i just made myself far to emotional over characters with probably less than an hr of screentime together that's how you know the ships good #i am. unwell

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snow-and-saltea · 5 months ago

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it is a bit scary but ive been in the limbo between not allowing myself to do anything until i get my shit together for too long, which means i havent been "indulging" in anything i really like but only things i've cycled through routine to the point of tastelessness. i am somehow so adamantly resistant against escapism through hobbies or from making myself feel better but also very cowardly in the sense that i'm too afraid of looking at my problems in the eye because my bad mental health bars me from being honest and hopeful (to inspire myself to fix it) to myself because every time i try, i can only hear the "brutal" part of the "brutally honest", and i don't even know if i'm being honest because it's as though i go into this dialogue against myself with an intent to kick myself down. which, i do understand why it happens, but i currently have no energy to "fight" back against it so i just go "yeah. you're right. i AM trash and worthless. i already know this, can we stop bringing this up please?" perhaps from an outsider pov or through a friend's pov i am seen differently, but imagining myself being seen in a positive manner somehow feels delusional because i "know" i'm not being very umm. valuable. i guess skhdjshfjdjf there's definitely stuff going on there

#yuu rambles #therapy stuff #i do notice a running thread of “value” in my head; mostly informed by my mother's words and perspective #of course i have my own values; but in times like these i inadvertently “revert” back to her values of how to judge myself because i'm so #used to trying to appeal to authority figures so i can cope w abuse a little better. but uhhh. it kinda takes a toll i cant lie #shoutout to my dad for telling me i dont bring him any value that was a very cool thing to do. definitely didnt suck or anything #motherfucker was like: one day i HOPE you guys go through what i go through when you have kids and they act like leeches like you guys were #and THEN you'll finally understand. why im so pissed off #i already understand why you're pissed off now but i have no desire to act on it like you did....?#something something a man who has nothing but money feels bankrupt when he has to use it bc nothing else gives him security or love #sorry for the rambling. this has been stewing in my brain for the past 2 weeks but i haven't verbalized it #feels a little good to do so. im crying a bit too but it feels more relieving than anything terrible. i dont feel any strong thoughts #just my sadness passing through my body and me trying to put it to paper to understand myself better #this has been a cry for help but also a literal cry !!! thank you for reading even if you dont say anything #im often too afraid to tell these things to friends because i dont want to be too much too quickly and id feel bad if they felt bad for me #so writing things out like this as if im talking to myself helps a lot. i think

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