#im sick of crying alone in the dark im sick of having to cope alone im sick of it sick of it its not fair its not FAIR

[cosmic-puppy-playtime]

Its not fair

[numberonetacostan]

okay im writing this at 2am while I bet on losing dogs is playing not a great mix.

OKAY here we go sensitive topics(?) consisting of self-harm

tacopad and SOME tacomic I guess

Sometimes i wonder how Mepad or Microphone would react to Taco self-harming, I like to think they immediately comfort her, no matter how many times she says she doesn’t need it, or doesn’t want it. They would keep sharp objects away, but since Taco can hide things in her shell, blades on those sharpeners aren’t safe nor are pocket knifes. The two would try EVERYTHING to keep her away from blades, but would end up with new scars on her wrists/thighs.

Taco doesn’t know why she doesn’t this, she doesn’t like it, yet she continues. She hides her arms with hoodies and long sleeved shirts. Summer is a hellhole for her, either having to wear arm warmers, or not going out her room. No one has seen her scars, not even Microphone and Mepad. Though they have caught her, everytime they try to bandage the wounds, she hides her wrists away.

ok im actually so sorry if this is very different from what i usually put here, and im sorry again if this topic makes you uncomfortable.

-nori

Hiya, Nori!!!!!^^ Welcome back, and thank you for sending in a hc!!!!! :] no worries about it being too dark, I love angst!!!! The only type of ask I won't take are sexually explicit ones. I will be putting a trigger warning and a cut, just in case others might be sensitive to it. I do hope you're feeling okay, though <3 I know I'm an internet stranger so feel free to ignore this, but I'm always willing to lend a listening ear for all my ii buddies on here!!! <3 <3 <3

TW: discussion of self-harm!!

I can, unfortunately for her, see Taco self-harming. She has trouble handling and expressing her feelings, a maladaptive coping mechanism such as that is a definite possibility for her, especially one she could pick up living alone in the woods such as self-harm. Especially especially since we get a glimpse into her self-image during Taco's Tirade!! Granted, she is at her rock bottom during the song, but we see throughout season 2 that she does feel bad about her actions!!!! She found herself to be monstrous long before the song, yeah? aaaaaa sorry your ask was about Mic and Mepad finding out!!!! I'll get right on with that!!!

So, I think Mepad would be a lot better about finding Taco self-harming because of his calm demeanor, and his teleportation ability, but mostly his demeanor. Him remaining quiet and soft and calm about it would make Taco herself a lot less reactive, since her feelings wouldn't be amplified by a loudly emotional reaction from him. Depending on how accurate or selective he can be with his teleporting, he could get whatever item Taco is using to harm herself away from her quickly and easily. Despite his understated reaction, of course, he is worried sick. He would not leave her side for a single second for weeks. I mean, I picture them sticking together anyways, but he is extra alert!!! I think he and Taco would do a lot of talking, and he would be very keen on trying to find her other coping mechanisms that aren't harmful. And and, he'd be very discreet about it. He would not tell a single other soul if Taco told him not to, unless he found he couldn't properly handle the situation alone.

However, much to my despair (i was actually crying about this before i saw your ask, funnily enough), Mepad is dead!!!!! So he can not be here to expertly Therapad his way through this. So we have the next best person to take care of Taco when she's in severe distress, Mic!! Who, as we have seen (ex: after lb and testy disappear in s2 ep12) Mic does not seem to do too well in surprising, stressful, and/or scary circumstances!!! Not that Mic wouldn't be a great help to Taco, no no, she would do her best and be incredibly supportive, but she would react more outwardly and, in true Mic fashion, loudly, to seeing Taco self-harming. The classic "What are you doing?!?!!??!!!!!!!" Sort of thing, yeah? I can see her being a lot more proactive in trying to keep all sharp objects away from Taco, since unlike Mepad, Mic has to sleep and thus can't keep her eyes on Taco 24/7.

I can see Taco potentially using self-harm as a form of punishment for herself while she's trying to change. Snapped at someone? She deserves to be hurt. Lied instinctively? She'll train it out of herself by force. Honestly this is pretty aligned with my hc of Taco initially trying way too hard to change immediately post-canon and it taking a huge toll on her mentally.

Ough and her hiding her scars even from Mic and Mepad and keeping them hidden despite all the misery it causes her am I seeing an ALLEGORY right there??? I think I am with her keeping all her feelings down despite how much worse it makes her feel. She's trying to heal and get better, but old habits are hard to break, yeah? Sometimes they come back with a vengeance.

[gayspock]

OK

now im like im gonna shut up for real i fucking promise but also just feel like such fucking shit all the fucking time and its everything but it's mostly loneliness isn't it i feel like I'm going fucking nuts like seriously fucking nuts I keep thinking about what it would look like to look back on my existence like a TV show and think about how I've never been anything more than a sad fucking loser who just ends up crying in their room alone every night because they felt left out again and again and again and again and it never ends and it never changes and there's nothing you can do to make it stop there's just something wrong with you or there's not enough of you to like and i don't think I'm ever going to cope with it even after accepting it I just can't fucking do it and nobody's ever gonna care or know like for real because no matter what people say I just feel like i don't exist 8 feel like I'm constantly going crazy I wish it mattered like properly for a fucking second and it wasn't some fucking clinical reassurance but someone actively choosing to be near me or remembering I exist I don't understand it and 8 never have and I don't think I'll ever make it long enough to ever feel it I can't even relate to half the fucking bullshit out there ei don't know what to do I've never managed it I keep thinking when I kill myself what will happen how nobody will even realise how nobody will even want to deal with the body I wonder what would end up happening I keep trying to think of ways I could do it and make sure there's never anything to recover how to slowly dismantle all the pieces because I don't 2wnt to think about being left somewhere forever having some stranger fucking dig my hole or scatter my ashes i just feel so fucking sick of everything no i haven't i haven't managed to talk to people in years and years I don't remember any more einkeep thinking about the tens of thousands of hours of spiralling and nobody ever fucking giving a damn enough to take me seriously as a person 8 feel like I've never been a person to anyone I don't know i can't explain it people keep telling me I'm not trying enough I try too hard I don't care I can't fucking care any more and I'm not strong enough to fucking do it Its been my whole life 8 mean it it's just been like this I can't remember when it wasn't like this I used to fucking sob in cupboards wishing someone would just not fucking hate me please I'm so fucking or just stay please please like me or if I got older maybe if I went to new places maybe I could try I could try and it just kept. Getting worse. The more and more it happened the worse it got i didn't even do anything in uni nobody knew who I was and I think ive always just been a joke and 8 don't know what's wrong with me every time I get my hopes up I feel like I've just ended up more and more hurt and more and more upset and I just don't want to fucking try I don't want to keep doing it I don't want to be near anyone I feel so much fucking worse just living in the cracks of everyone else's fucking existence it feels like I'm being mocked and it's not fucking worth it nothing could retroactively make it fucking worth it ii don't fucking care but what's going to happen other than I'm going to go fucking sob in the dark for another few months until 8 finally kill myself hm okay!

[sprinkleofrecovery]

The space of absence

“I’m here for you” - the biggest lie I’ve ever been told.

People say they are there for you, until it comes to them needing to be there and they are no where to be found. When I’m in this dark black hole I can’t find my way through to find the people who said they would be there. No one ever messages me first. Im never thought of.

Im the deepest empath you will ever meet. I let my mind spiral with everyone else’s problems but when I need someone, where are you?.

When im sat alone at night crying in the dark with just my own spiralling thoughts corrupting me, where are you?.

When I feel like Im not doing a good enough job so I sit and think of every single thing I’ve done wrong or could have done better, where are you?.

When im looking at food and drowning in my tears because I can’t gain anymore weight to weigh me down more than I already am, where are you?.

When I scream out for help from mental health services and repeatedly get abused and neglected from them and left to help myself with the “coping skills” I never got taught to being with, where are you?.

When I miss the person I lost and when I have no family talking to me and acting as if I don’t exist because they would rather I not exist, where are you?.

When im feeling like im not good enough for boy because im overstimulated and overwhelmed because I’ve had no time to myself, where are you?.

When I voice how I feel and get invalidated and cause an atomosphere because I’ve said im not happy, where are you?.

When im struggling to keep up with housework because I feel to heavy with depression to function, where are you?.

When I have the darkest and intrusive thoughts and i feel like I can’t carry on, where are you?.

That’s right, you wasn’t there. Like you “promised” you would be. You PROMISED me I wouldn’t be on my own, but yet time and time again no one cares to ask or notices how much I’m drowning. No one cares how I feel as long as I show up for them and they can still benefit from the things I have to offer.

Truth is, I’m sick of being the go to person without having anyone else there for me. I take on everyone’s problems like they’re my own. Yet I’m let down over and over again.

The loneliest feeling is not feeling able to go to the people who said they’d be there because getting half arsed answers and disinterested or dismissal is more hurtful than facing things on my own.

This world is so lonely, yet there is over a billion people on this planet. Yet I have no one there for me, how bad of a person must I be?

[d0llpie]

prompt 16 ;; in your req rules you said this was okay so i hope its fine :,) could i have oikawa, iwaizumi and tsukishima finding their s/o's fresh (or old if you prefer) sh scars? the way it ends should be fluff lol, im only asking because this would bring me comfort </3 either way i love your writing ur amazing<3

Self Harm Comfort

oikawa x reader, iwaizumi x reader, tsukkishima x reader

Warnings: self harm mention, blood mention, this topic is very triggering so please do not read if uncomfortable, i add tags that can be blacklisted for this topic !

a/n: hi love, i hope this brought you some comfort, my messages are always open, have a beautiful day <333

prompt: “i know i’m not what you signed up for”

wc: 1.9k

Oikawa

~ You hadn’t been dating Oikawa very long, he never questioned why you always wore long sleeves and honestly he didn’t think much of it

~ You were proud to say that you hadn’t self harmed since your relationship had begun, he was always doting and caring while also being fun and a distraction for you. You loved him with all your heart and knew he loved you too

~ You knew you couldn’t hide them from him forever but you didn’t realise he was coming over to surprise you, wanting to take you on a date

You’d been in your head all day, you couldn’t help it, your thoughts spiraled and you were back in that dark place you’d been so happy to be out of for so long. You hated that you resorted to this but coping this way became to familiar that before you knew it, you found yourself on the bathroom floor, blade in one hand and bloody tissues in the other. Tears were rolling down your cheeks but you stared blankly ahead of you, you didn’t feel any better, your thoughts turning to tooru, what would he think? This only made your tears come out faster, shame creeping up on you, your thoughts spiraling darker and deeper until you were stuck overthinking and rolling your sleeve higher.

You didn’t hear Oikawa open the door or walk towards the bathroom, you did hear his gasp in the door frame as he dropped to his knees in front of you, cradling you in his arms, wetting your shirt with his own tears. “Y/n, why didn’t you tell me? What happened? What are you doing?” you were too shocked to answer, scared that this was the end of your relationship and you’d be trapped again with your thoughts, alone. “i-“ you tried to speak but it came out in a choked sob and Oikawa shushed you, pulling you to sit on the edge of the bathtub while he fetched your med kit. He was silent cleaning your wounds, occasional sniffles let out which only make you overthink even more. Once he bandaged your arm you held his wrist still.

“Tooru i wanted to tell you, i hadn’t done this since before we started dating, i’ve been doing well i dont know what happened and i know i’m not what you signed up for, i’m sorry i’m really sorry it’s just-“ “you are exactly what i signed up for. I want you, all of you, i just wish you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me, this scares me y/n, i need you and i’m sorry that i was to ignorant to realise how you were feeling..” you cupped his cheek “no tooru baby you don’t need to apologise..” “you don’t need to either y/n, i’m going to help you, please tell me when you feel like this...i don’t know what to do but i’m not leaving. i’m staying right beside you okay?” you nodded, tearing up again and burying your face in his chest “why are you crying my love?” you lifted your head, pressing your lips against his slowly “i love you tooru, i’m s-“ “don’t you dare apologise, i love you too.” you giggled softly, sniffling before returning back to his chest.

“C’mon y/n, let’s watch your favourite movie and i’ll let you braid my hair to distract you hmm?” you smiled up at him, you both looked a mess, red puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks but you were there in each other’s arms, safe and in love.

Iwaizumi

~ Iwaizumis love language was touch, it reassured him to feel you against him and showed you how much he loved you when he would absentmindedly trace patterns on your skin

~ He always had to have some form of physical contact with you, holding pinkies in crowded spaces, holding your hips while talking to people

~ It shouldn’t have surprised you that he’d eventually feel them

He’d had a long day, the team wasn’t listening to him and all he wanted to do was come home and fall asleep on your chest while you played with his hair. He hated staying late training the team but he knew you were going to be there tonight, waiting for him to come home. It was so domestic, coming back to see you in his apartment, wearing one of his hoodies and a pair of his boxers, the thought kept him going throughout the day and drive home.

Iwa was coming come home late again so you decided to take a shower and head to bed, you got out of the shower, towel wrapped around your body as you made your way into the bedroom to grab one of iwas hoodies. Iwaizumi walked into the bedroom to see you in just a towel, he smiled at you and wrapped his arms around you, breathing in deeply. You froze underneath him, did he see? would he think you were weak? disgusting? you tried calming your breathing but Iwaizumi obviously noticed your state and stepped back, running his hands over your shoulders and down your arms “what’s wrong?” he froze when his arms reached your forearms, running his fingers over the raised flesh so he knew he wasn’t imagining it. Your breathing only sped up, your throat felt like it was constricting. “y/n...” he was angry, not at you, at himself. You’d been together for so long and he never realised? He used to find the fact that you only wore oversized hoodies adorable, seeing you drown in the material warmed his heart, now it made him sick. Did you not want him to see? Did you not trust him? Why didn’t he notice?

“Ouch Haji..” your squeak shook him out of his thoughts and he released your wrists, not realising how tight his grip was getting. He then noticed your wide eyes and shallow breaths and realised you were having a panic attack “y/n-shit. i’m so sorry here, breathe with me baby okay?” he held your hands and led your breathing until you calmed down. You changed into one of his shirts and some shorts before sitting next to him on the bed. “Baby, please tell me none of those are new.” he pulled you onto him so you were sitting on him “they aren’t, i was going to tell you i was just...ashamed? i’m not sure it’s complicated, i know i’m not what you signed up for..” he held your arm out gently, tracing the scars with his fingers before pressing your wrist against his lips. He kissed along each of your scars, mumbling how much he loved you while a few stray tears escaped his eyes.

“If you ever feel that way again, i want you to tell me first okay? I love you, you’re so strong and beautiful, you’re my home okay? i need you and i want you to be able to rely on me too.” you nodded before kissing him, smiling against his lips “thank you haji” you began playing with the hair at the nape of his neck and he nuzzled his face into your neck, picking you up and lying you down fully under the covers “you don’t have to hide them around me y’know” you hummed, playing with his hair, kissing his forehead as he peppered kisses along your jaw “goodnight haji”.

Tsukkishima

~ you don’t know what exactly led you to feeling this way again, but you were back to feeling numb, wanting more than anything to feel

~ although you knew better, you still made you way to the bathroom, blade in hand like you were on autopilot

~ you hadn’t told tsukkishima yet, too afraid of what he’d say, what he’d do. He was rarely serious as it was and you didn’t feel the need to burden him with this

Tsukkishima wasn’t dumb. He was smart, he noticed when you were uncomfortable in public and would take you out of there without you needing to express your discomfort. He noticed advertisements for that show you mentioned a few weeks ago on the back of a bus. He noticed the clothes you wore and how you fiddled with the edges of your sleeves. He noticed the empty look behind your eyes sometimes and the fake smiles you’d send his way when he asked if you were feeling okay. He hated it. He felt so powerless, he wasn’t certain but he was almost positive and he wanted to help you but he didn’t know how.

You weren’t answering your phone so Tsukki let himself inside, making his way up to your room only to see your phone on your bed but you nowhere to be found. He walked down the hallway and noticed the light on in the bathroom.

You looked up from the floor, hearing a knock on the bathroom door. “Yes? I’m in here.” your heart leapt into your throat when the door knob started rattling and you quickly sat against the door. “Y/N? move, what are you doing on the floor?” You froze at the sound of Keis voice “Kei? what are you doing here?” you tried to push harder against the door but he pushed it far enough to let himself into the bathroom. You had rolled your sleeves back down but he saw the bloodied blade on the counter. “Take off the jacket” you rolled your eyes “I’m not in the mood right now Kei” he moved towards you “y/n.” the sad tone in his voice made your lip quiver, he knew. You slowly took your jacket off and looked away from him as you started to tear up “i know i’m not what you signed up for but please-“”dumbass, why didn’t you tell me...” you looked up at him to find him staring at the cuts, you tried to speak but you couldn’t.

Tsukki moved to the medicine cabinet and took out some bandages and alcohol wipes, cleaning and dressing the wounds while you cried softly. “y/n, i’m not leaving okay? you don’t need to cry, i’m here.” you wrapped your arms around his neck and he hugged your waist, burying his nose in your hair. “Kei i’m sorry i didn’t tell you i just didn’t want you to break up with me..” “i’ve known for a while now, i’m not mad but i will be if you feel like this again and don’t tell me. I’m you boyfriend, you’re one of the few people i can stand and i’m not gonna have you thinking i don’t care okay?” you nodded at him, burying your face in his chest “i love you kei, i promise i’ll talk to you more..” he rubbed your back soothingly “good, dumbass. i love you too..”

[drashleighreid]

life is so unfair. so ridiculously unfair. 

this week has been so hard. moving house really shone a light on how alone i feel here and how non-existent my support network is and i’ve been having a really hard time reconciling that and trying to keep on top of things and then in the middle of that someone who was really important to me said we shouldn’t be friends anymore and unfollowed me on everything and cut off all communication and im just like. why is life and timing like this. like it really just wants to throw you to the rockest of bottom and give you every horrid curveball imaginable 

[floating-in-limbo]

You're my sun, my moon, and all my stars.

Tw: self h*rm, depression, angst.

GN!Reader x Hawks angst

A vent fic I wrote because I needed to do something to cope healthily. I might write a short second ending, but idk. I didn't beta read this, but I'll polish it tomorrow and post it to my AO3 as well. Much love.

BNHA writing blog @hawksmodelofficial

The room was dark except for the faint light shining from your phone's screen. It was some what quiet due to the sound of your fan whirring, keeping your room cool. All this was part of your typical nightly routine and wouldn't be concerning except for the fact that you felt suffocated. Again.

You're sitting on your bed, the air blasting you giving you one of the only physical sensations you can feel in this state. Staring ahead into the black room, you sit and listen to all the horrid thoughts running through your head.

You feel numb and would give anything to feel something other than this suffocating emptiness. You tried your usual coping mechanisms: watching videos that usually make you laugh, listening to your comfort bands, distracting yourself with any sort of pastime.

None of it is working though. None of it has been working for a while now. This numbness, emptiness, hollow feeling consuming your body grows every day. Some days you can manage to push past it, jump over the hurdles and clear the finish line. Not today.

The last option you can think of before doing something harmful is to reach out to someone. You've been isolating yourself, but you desperately want their help at the same time.

Looking at the phone resting in your hands, you pull up Keigo's contact. It had been a couple days since the last time you two talked. He's the #2 pro hero, so he's constantly busy, but always tries to make time for you.

Y/n: are you awake

You sent the message and watched it deliver. You only ask because it's currently 3:26am and most people are asleep at this time. He responds a minute later.

Dodo Brain: what's up?

You're staring at his message. On one hand you're relieved Keigo's awake but on the other, you can already feel the guilt eating away at you for bothering him.

Y/n: i need help

Y/n: i hurt

You typed out the messages with shaky hands. Your chest tightens and you feel sick. You hate asking for help. Why should you make other people suffer because you can't help yourself?

Dodo Brain: are you ok, kid? what's wrong are you hurt???

Looking at the clock, it really hits just how tired he must be and how much you're intruding on his personal time. You decide to call off your cry for help before you make it any worse for him.

Y/n: ah yeah nvm dont worry about it sorry to wake you

You toss your phone onto your pillow. Once again, you're sabotaging yourself but you don't care anymore. Getting up from your bed, you head to the bathroom to get bandages, and tissues. While doing this, you fail to notice your text notifications going off.

Dodo Brain: kid what are you talkin about

Dodo Brain: why arent you answering

Dodo Brain: please answer me you're making me worried

Dodo Brain: im heading over now

Once you have your supplies to clean up, you head back into your room and sit back on your bed. You grabbed your hidden blade on the way and now just contemplate your actions.

Craving to feel something, anything, even if its pain and regret, you'll take it. You chose where you want to cut and begin, pulling a long line across your skin. You hiss at the immediate sting. Blood already begins to bead.

You continue to do this, almost in a daze yet you feel tears suddenly well from your eyes and fall. It hurts. Not just what you're doing, but what lead you to this point.

Unbeknownst to you, Keigo immediately flew to your residence. He grabbed the spare key you gave him and unlock the front door. Its eerily quite except for the faint sobs he can hear as he navigates the dark residence.

After you were satisfied with your work, you just sit there letting the blood drip down your skin. You'll have to do laundry but that's the least of your worries. You lean your head back against the wall and cry. Soft whispers of "I'm sorry..." leave your lips.

Keigo finds your room, using your quite cries and soft words to navigate. He flips on the lights and gasps at the scene in front of him. You jolt your head forward, eyes wide and you scramble to hide yourself. Unfortunately that only makes you wince in pain and open the wounds further.

"We need to get you cleaned up. Dont move okay? You already have bandages so let me do the work." Keigo's words dont really reach you but you sit there anyway.

He moves towards you with conviction but the energy around him is scared, nervous even. Sure he's seen your old scars before but never this. He grabs the bandages and antiseptic, applying them to all the wounds.

Every now and then you wince, and he immediately spills apologies. Your head is hanging low, you can't bear to make eye contact with him. Once Keigo finishes cleaning you up, there is an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry..." is all you can croak out before your sobbing into your hands. Embarrassment floods your head. Regret. Resent. Why did he have to come? Why did he have to see this?

"Fuck, kid. Please don't apologize. You didn't answer my texts and I figured something was wrong. I just wish I got here sooner." You can hear the pain in his usually cheery voice.

"I didn't know what to do anymore! I'm sick of feeling like this! Im sick of hurting so much that I have to hurt myself to distract from everything else. It's not fucking fair..."

Keigo stands in front of you assessing the situation. He reaches out to touch you but you shrink away from him. "Please leave, Kei...please...I'm tired."

"So am I, y/n but if you think I'm leaving you alone like this, I'm pretty sure you're the dodo brain out of the two of us." You smile ever so slightly. Its broken and he can tell.

"Let's get some clean sheets on the bed first, ok? Then we're going to sleep and I'm not leaving you alone. Not when you're hurting like this. Can you move?" You shake your head no. Not only do you hurt, exhaustion set in.

"I'm gonna pick you up alright, kid?" You nod and that's all he needs. Gently, he wraps his arms around your frame and pulling you into his chest. Red feathers move throughout your room, pulling the bloodied sheets off and tossing them into your hamper.

"I'm gonna set you down so I can grab the spares. Promise me, you'll be okay until I get back."

"Kei, you're just going down the hall."

"Y/n." His voice is stern but still soft at the same time. "Look at me." You gaze up at him and see the broken expression on his face. You never noticed the pain he probably feels right now.

"Pinky promise you'll be okay for a couple minutes." He holds out his hand, sticking his pinky out for you to reciprocate. You slowly do the same and cross fingers. "I'll be right back."

He leaves your room and you can hear him grabbing stuff from the closet with spare bedding. You sit with your head hanging down, eyes closed, thinking of everything. Keigo comes back with am armful of bedding and you shakily stand so he can change the sheets completely.

"Let's go to bed, okay?. I'm taking tomorrow off and I'm staying with you until we figure this out.

"You dont need to do that. I'll be fine, really. I dont want to burden you..." You can feel the tears well up again and you begin to shake. "Y/n, please. I can't bear to see you like this. You're the sun I see in the sky when I fly and the moon when I rest at night."

You look at him with disbelief. "Let's go to bed and talk more in the morning okay?" You nod and he moves you to bed, pulling you close but still aware of where you're hurt. His wings come around on top of you, almost like he's shielding you.

Your eyes slowly dip close as he rubs circles on your hand with his thumb.

[interstellauren]

heavy vent, tw death //

if you know me, please don’t judge me for this post i’m just in a dark place right now. please don’t dm me and tell me you’re worried about me because that’ll just make my anxiety worse. you can talk to me, just don’t do that. i just need to get these thoughts out

also please feel free to unfollow me if me throwing these posts out in the middle of your reblogging bothers you, this is just the healthiest way i can cope at 1AM

REALLY?? I JUST WROTE A FULL VENT POST AND IT DELETED BECAUSE OF THE STUPID READMORE GLITCH I CANT TAKE IT SO AT THIS POINT I’M JUST SAYING MY FEELINGS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE INSTEAD OF REWRITING IT IN FULL DETAIL, ITS EASIER TO EXPRESS HOW MUCH PAIN I’M IN RN LIKE THIS

I’M NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW. I JUST HAD THE WORST SEVERE ANXIETY ATTACK BECAUSE MY SISTER COULDN’T BREATHE AND REFUSED TO ACCEPT ANY MEANS OF TRANSPORTATION TO THE HOSPITAL. EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS EITHER GOING TO DIE OR LEAVE ME AND I CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I AM TRULY CONVINCED I’LL EITHER HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER OPEN CASKET OF SOMEONE I LOVE OR IM JUST GOING TO BE ABANDONED BECAUSE THATS WHAT I DESERVE. I AM SO SICK OF LIVING LIKE THIS. THE ANXIETY IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. THE INSECURITIES ABOUT MY LOOKS ARE NEVER GOING TO STOP. ITS GOING TO COST ME OVER $5000 JUST TO STOP ME FROM CRYING IN THE MIRROR BECAUSE I HATE MY TEETH. THE OVERSTIMULATION IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. THE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I HAVE AS A RESULT OF TRAUMA IS NEVER GOING TO STOP. ON TOP OF EVERYTHING I’M ALMOST POSITIVE I MIGHT BE ON THE SPECTRUM SO THATS JUST ANOTHER PROBLEM I NEED TO WORK OUT. I CAN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF THIS BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO KMS OR SELF HARM SO I JUST HAVE TO SUFFER SILENTLY BECAUSE THE PEOPLE I WANT TO HAVE CARE ABOUT ME NEVER WILL. THE WORST PART IS THAT I HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE, EVEN IRL WHO JUST WITNESS ME GO THROUGH THIS ALL THE FREAKING TIME AND ITS SO HUMILIATING. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SEE THIS AND JUST ASSUME I’M A LOST CAUSE WHO WENT OFF THE DEEP END BUT STILL HAVE ME IN THEIR LIFE. WHY DOES MY LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP BEING HURT?? WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP EXPERIENCING SO MUCH TRAUMA?? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT ALL ALONE?? ITS NOT FAIR. I WAS DOING SO WELL. I REALLY THOUGHT 2021 WAS GOING TO BE BETTER BUT ITS JUST THE SAME PAIN IN A DIFFERENT FONT. IT NEVER ENDS

[student-film-lying-piece-of-shit]

that's it im fucking saying it

heavy content warning for rape, abuse ect

okay i warned yall

If you're gonna make 'ticci toby realistic' okay fine i don't FUCKING care anymore that's JAZZY make him a heartless monster who eats kids like whatever you see him as is vaild to me just know ill never accept that sorry

but im SICK and TIRED of y'all fucking taking that and making fanfictions where he's in relationships or even x readers as a shitty abuser

you can't have both. you can't have a romantic ship story that glorifies rape, abuse and gaslighting i am so fucking tired

yesterday i found like. god knows how many fics with toby being a rapist and it made me deadass cry because seeing a character ive projected into for years be butchered into such a despicable human hurt. and with edgy toby none of you know how he works

'Dark' or whatever toby: think Alex Kraile from mh I guess? Withdrawn, kinda a dick, but is VERY loyal to his cause with working to the slenderman. he does everything under his name. toby doesn't kill for his own gain, yea he might get some pleasure from it, but if we're gonna go by david near's toby interpretation, he obviously cares about lives to an extent

(spoilers up ahead hdiwsbsi for jeffs final sleep/ticci toby patient interview)

he even has a giant character arc in one of his stories where he refuses to listen to slender and detaches from him

in the patient series, he begs Dr. Wilson to let him go because he knew zalgo would be there to kill his thearpist and everyone in the building. the small things in that interview shows he's empathic outside of being a proxy

he apologises for snapping. he gets scared by slenderman. He respects Dr. Wilson

for fucks sake

HE ISN'T A MONSTER HES A KID WITH PHYSICAL AND MENTAL DISABILITIES AND IS BEING CONTROLLED BY AN ENTITY NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND HE HAS NO FREE WILL!!!!! NONE!!! HIS DRIVE TO MURDER ISN'T EVEN HIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S BRAINWASHED!!!!!!! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU GET THAT WHEN YOU DON'T FOR ABSOLUTE FUCKS SAKE. SLENDERMAN GETS NOTHING FROM HIM RAPING SOMEONE

RAPE IS A SELFISH ACT. STOP THROWING IT AROUND LIKE NOTHING!!!! AS A SURVIVOR OF CSA IT'S FUCKING PAINFUL TO SEE THIS! THIS FANDOM NEEDS TO STOP JUST THROWING AROUND THAT CRIME LIKE NOTHING! AND CLAIM ITS IN THE NAME OF BEING REALISTIC !!!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANNA READ A HEAVY DETAILED RAPE SCENE IN A FUCKING FANFICTION!!!! NOT EVEN BETTY KRUGER DID THAT!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE HE UNDERSTOOD SHOCK VALUE HAS FUCKING LIMITS

TOBY WOULD NEVER, NEVER, NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER KIDNAP AND TOTURE SOMEONE OF HIS OWN WANTS AND NEEDS. HE'S, DEEP DOWN INSIDE, JUST A SCARED TEENAGER / YOUNG ADULT

"ghost stop being angry"

okay. i will when a trauma survivor stops being portrayed as an abuser. ill stop when you stop writing ship fics (keep in mind if you do a x reader that counts) that directly romanticizes abuse and rape. (Intentional or not you are) i will stop when you shit on kids for having a go-lucky, smiling toby because they wanna have a boyfriend / big brother figure to cope. i will stop being angry when you stop making him kill his mom and blame her for toby's abuse. i will stop when this fandom accepts he's bisexual and stop hearing "why does everything have to be gay" from another cishet fan. i will stop when you all do

if i see any comment that says "kastoway said he's an ignorant asshole" i will fucking delete it because y'all use that a vessle to make him horribly ooc and an abusive asshole and you're missing the point of this entire rant

im not ranting about a cocky toby. im angry because y'all don't understand what makes toby scary

toby isn't a scary character in himself. but he shows slenderman's power. it shows how he can break a kid so bad. and you guys take that and say :3 toby said homophobe rights, says the n word (oh I've SEEN that) and rapes girls. him being rewritten doesn't give you a card to make him do anything

y'all compare? him to jeff a lot???

jeff did everything on his own. he's a natural selection kinda bitch. he's brutal and tbh he's like, the only pasta i can see being that nasty-brutal. but id never write an x reader where he rapes someone Jesus fuck.

the biggest difference between these two is that one cares and one doesn't. one willingly started killing. the other didn't. toby from the start never did it for his own want, but he thought it was. he was takened over. slender used his soft points to be used against him, ie lyra and hatred towards his dad

jeff got bullied and said "fuck this i said homophobes have rights" aka he 'snapped' and killed.

y'all pretend you know toby's character bur reality y'all look like this: 🤡 🤡🤡

"ghost ur bias"

you know what the fuck i am because toby's a giant projection character and one of the most important pieces of fictional work to me!!!!! i know everything abt toby!!!! nobody on this god forsakened app has dedicated years of their life anaylizing and picking apart every interpretation of toby and yeah there's stans here and theyre vaild and it isn't a competition but nobody here will understand how important he is to me.

ive said it before: he helped me realise i was trans. i cut my hair to look like him. ticcimask was my gateway to at the time, bisexuality and now being gay. these characters shaped me as a person. tbh, it wouldve took me 10x longer to find my identity if i never got interdouced to this fandom. kastoway created one of the most important characters to me.

i grew up with i guess the silly old toby. and i guess this comes from an unfair place bc i always enjoyed a goofy toby more than an asshole toby. i can't and never will grow too fond of a dick toby! but a broken, scared hollow kid? yeah, yea i would and do.

and now i understand why :3 we can't have nice things

also fun fact! David Near headcanons toby as a csa survivor so stop using his voice claim if you make him a rapist :3 you lost :3 your David Near rights

okay im done im so mad i might rewrite this to be calmer but rn you're getting this fuck the cops eat the government captalism is a flawed system

tldr; leave toby alone please he's gay can't count to 10 and doesn't know breeds of cars

edit: i know a lot of people also potray jeff wildly different and that's vaild too!!! this probably just applies for like. all of them

don't romanticize abuse basically thanks

[etastra]

the horror renaissance aesthetic edition bold what applies to your muse

MUSE: im hojin

the vvitch: the darkness of a cluster of trees. a crackling campfire. the snap of a twig underfoot. the sound of children’s laughter. a sense of kinship with animals. isolation in the wilderness of life. fighting to free yourself from repression. cutting ties with toxic family members. feeling lost, alone, and afraid in the forest of your own emotions. the feeling that something – or someone – is watching you.

it: the refreshing feeling of summer vacation. spending time with your best friends. the feeling that something important is missing from your life. waking from a nightmare in the middle of the night. the sick feeling of missing a step while walking up the stairs in the dark. thinking you see something moving just out of your line of sight. cotton candy. red balloons. a shiver running down your spine.

mother!: a sense of peaceful isolation, relief in solitude. the spike of anxiety upon being thrust into an unfamiliar situation. feeling protective over the things that are yours. a tumultuous turn in a relationship with someone you love. smoke billowing from a roaring fireplace. a thunderstorm raging outside an open window. the gutwrenching sound of a baby crying. your heartbeat pounding in your ears as your blood boils.

annihilation: embarking on a new adventure. the pursuit of knowledge and truth. the discovery of something you don’t quite understand, but want to. something strange and powerful running through your veins. sheer otherworldly beauty. the lump in your throat when you know you’ve done something wrong, and want to make up for it. the aurora borealis. a rainbow across the sky in the wake of a terrible storm.

halloween: a flickering jack-o-lantern on a front porch. distant sirens. being haunted by your past. a constant sense of vigilance. the sound of shattering glass. living like it’s the last night of your life. coming together to protect the people you love. a secret passageway. feeling the need to look over your shoulder as you walk home alone at night. blood staining your clothes.

hereditary: the creeping dread of walking through your house alone in the dark. dark family secrets, buried and then brought to light. strained family relationships. the feeling of something crawling on your skin. fear so suffocating that you struggle to breathe. an eerie light coming in through your bedroom window. losing your head. a heavy depression that threatens to destroy you.

suspiria: a curtain of long hair spread out across a pillow. the comforting touch of a hand against your cheek. a close circle of friends. music that carries you to the point where you just can’t help but dance. the thrill of having accomplished one of your goals. great power hiding behind innocence. straining to try and remember something you’ve forgotten. extending your hand in friendship and solidarity to others.

midsommar: a garden of brightly colored flowers bursting into life. a beautifully embroidered dress. dancing hand in hand. flowers braided into long hair. paint smeared across blank pages. billowing smoke. pristine white cliffs. the feeling of being left out of an inside joke. herbal tea. a close sense of community. letting go of painful memories and toxic relationships and moving forward in happiness.

us: feeling a disconnect with what you see when you look into a mirror. finding catharsis through dance. coping with trauma. hiding secrets from the people you love, fearing rejection. the haunting sight of an empty street. an ominous silhouette against the horizon. the lingering, unwanted connection to someone else. the rush of adrenaline as you run. rabbits. letting your past finally die.

tagged by: @nobilitylost​ thank you !! tagging: if you’re reading this, feel free to take it !!

[graceygabs]

do you ever feel scared that your parents are actually emotionally abusive but you are just so conditioned to it that you think its normal? is it even possible that they are wonderful supportive parents in every other way but this one flaw that they have has the capacity to literally ruin you.

like...today my mother and i got into a fight and she started yelling at me, and for some reason i cannot handle conflict. something in my brain shuts off. i shut down completely. i start to get really dark thoughts. i want everything to end. its like that grating tone of her voice makes me wants to liquify my brain so i can forget what it sounds like. it triggers something in me that turns everything off and wants everything to end. suddenly the room becomes sticky, my presence is not right in this world and my axis is tilted 360, i loose all happiness. like all these happens in the five seconds that she changes her tone?

so i tell her i need to breathe, and start to walk away, because my therapist has told me this is a good and healthy coping mechanism in a fight, to walk away and breathe. and she yells at me as i am walking away, out of the kitchen. she meets me in the living room, where i burst into tears (literal sobs). “I just need a breather, please” i say. and she continues her yelling, her tone, after me and up the stairs. she agrees, but appears frusterated af, annoyed i am crying. inside if feel like i am dying, like i am caving from the inside out. like i am made of sand and quickly just dissolving. and by the way she sees i am crying...hard.

does this not set off some kind of maternal instinct, some thought process of wow i really did hurt her, i’ll stop, is she okay? but it doesn’t, so i go to my room and facetime my sister because the world is spinning and im crying and i cant breathe and thats when the yucky feeling hits the

wrong. i feel wrong. 

i can’t explain it. 

and this has happened for most of my teenage years. the only times i remember being extremely depressed was after a fight where i could to my room and bead my insides on my heart strings, imagine the skin ripped from my face. any violent image to take me away from where i was. i remember one time i was in so much anguish after a fight i went to the bathroom and took a razor blade to my knuckles. it started to bleed so i went and told my mom, and she knew it was because i was upset, and she helped me clean it up but she never once apologized or seemed concerned? i had just self-harmed? like? does that not set off alarm bells?

i would need comfort, after fights like those, and in a sick twisted way the only people who could give me comfort were my parents. so i would go to their rooms and say, “i don’t feel well” this was well established code for, i feel sick to my stomach because we fought, but like they knew that? and they would respond, oh it’s because we fought, i get it. i would use words like anxiety and depression, and still to this day it doesn’t seem to phase them?

flash forward to the present, i hang up with my sister. my mom texts me. “i’m sorry we got so upset. love you.” we, not her. she never takes responsibility, ever. ever. ever. she didn’t come up either. she just texted me. her way of mending it. later i come down. reiterate it in person. ‘im sorry we got so upset.” escalated.

i wasn’t the one who yelled. to the point of causing the other into literal tears? like.

i hate the way i depend on them for emotional support. i text my mom too much. mutltiple people have said she worries too much about me. im 20. i moved away from home for 1st year uni. found out i was having surgery in the summer after, decided to transfer. i would cry every time i would leave home to go back to school.

i now wonder if my constant communication with them helped attribute to my extreme home sickness, because out east i was also the happiest i had ever been.

now jan of my transfer year i cant help but wonder if it was my decision to transfer or the underlying tone that i would feel better if i was closer to my parents, their way of keeping control over me? 

every decision, everything i want to share with them, they are so supportive

whenever i want to share my feelings about something my mother always comes back with ‘i think we r pretty good parent’s”

ill txt them constantly and tell them in person “i appreciate u i am so thankful” contanstly. why? maybe out of guilt or fear that if i dont they will blame me somehow.

most of the time i have this instinctual feeling to get away. get out. stop texting me. they dont let me drive hardly. i still feel like nothing is real or validated unless they know or i have their support.

im also bi and havent told them in 2.5 years. part of the reason i think is because its a part of my life that is mine and mine alone, it is something they cant relate to, or advise or influence me on

i love my parents but i have a desire to get away from them, are they emotionally abuse, am i being un grateful?

[gayspock]

scheduled meltdown post of the night, hugs and kisses (dont rb/rply)

ever consider how its all just been a long, neverending stretch of emptiness.  constantly waiting and waiting and waiting. a lifetime spent settled between the cracks, not really existing in any space at all... every fucking day has been this. literally just this exact same day as far as i can remember where imjust fucking sad alone in a room. and i dont know . i think abt all the days ive spent like tht: how theyre uncountable at this point, and im jsut fucking miserable and so hopeless to stop it.  and they slip by me, now. so, so many in this endless fucking onslaught of more empty, wasted fucking times and more days to point to to think about wht a mistake it is to be alive, how it just is not worth it, more days of it refusing to ever improve as its all, always just been this downwards spiral and ... do you kno wht i mean. like no matter wht i do i just end up back here: more alone and sadder than i was before like its just. reaffirming to me tht ive been RIGHT and man!!! why am i not right- there really is no actual damn answer tht anything or anyone can provide, ive never been able to find any comfort in all these years bc i jsut dont think there fucking ever is gonna be one man. like theres never going to be a reason to be alive and i really have just ... wasted my own time being miserable and proving to myself that which i already know and i jsut.  fuck man i dont know.

god escapism has its problems. for one it isnt workin tonight but also god. fcking hell even trying to think abt reality in the most basic of fucking terms... i forget how much tht makes me fuckin break down sometimes. i dont want to be anywhere any more. i dont wnt to think abt what life i might have to lead if i keep going on. the thought of fucking waking up every day for years jsut fucking makes me lose it and i cant take it. i cant take being alive like this!!! and yet what is there to do, king, bc this is just the only thing i can ever manage or ever achieve - it’s all i seem to be worth!!!!!  and im just sad im sad bc i just cant do anything and nothing feels right and i cant stand the thought of anything and i feel alone i feel so alone all the damn time do you kno wht i mean like i just dont know whts wrong with me, i fucking wish i could, but for all the trying to fix it and not fix it and fix it again it just never means anything and . i dont wnt to be tht guy constantly reopening old wounds but its impossible bc its like. thats all there ever is and im so , so , so fucking sick of it. its so fucking sick and immature to still be crying abt all the ways you’ve felt alienated back to fucking. god knows. early childhood and yet thts just... the only thing you have , and the only thin tg theres ever been thats a constant is just . sitting in a dark room! alone! fucking sobbing! thinking abt all the other times youve felt trapped like this ! how each time you fucking breakdown it doesnt matter bc no ones ever going to actually care but . then u think. man honestly i rlly wouldnt care either and i dont i dont wnt to be alive for me, i cant fucking stand it i cant fucking cope with it , babe. im so bloody useless at everything and it isnt even funny. nothing brings me any happiness but on such a fucking superficial stupid level and its so fleeting and impermanent and i wish it could substantiate it but i cant man i cant live like that , i cant ljsutlive my life fucking forcing it down my throat when i just cant cope with the rest of this like babe i cant function ihavent functioned right in years. im coasting and have been for such a long,  long fucking time but its going to run out and its coming up so fast . i dont know how i will do it. i dont have the will to fucking eat half the time,  or the will to wake up ebcause i just know its not going to matter a damn thing. i cant claw my way back and im not worth saving and i jsut keep thinkin abt how im really gonna end up fuckin dead and its going to be like all the days like today where nobody knows and its going to pass and it was all just that, every instance of my life was jsut fucking like that and it never mattered a single second never fuckin mattered i was miserable and i was right! not only that but everyone was right abt me, tht i wa sjust this! always was going to be just this and and god where am i goin with this i dnt know. i dont know i just sometimes wish i had something, anything, at this point i just i dont know im sad im sad and i want wht i cant have i want to feel pretty and loved and feel some sort of anything for anything but i can t and i jsut fucking hang around in an empty room crying and even the shit i used to do it sjust makes me burst into tears to the point where all i can stand is the most mind numbing fucking mobile game tht i can repeat for hours and hours until i pass out and i cant think it cant be anything where i can think or else its gone babe and

like hell god ok god bitch. again with the old wounds. i just think about all the fucking times in the past ive jsut felt that aching loneliness and how when i was younger it was easy to think tht i jsut kept trying someone might like me and not just in a novelty way but might actually take me seriously on some fuckin lovel but it jsut never happens i just.  i feel like the best i can ever be is jsut . a fucking punchline or some stupid shadow tht jsut ends up following ppl around and  i try i reall y have tried in the past but just every single time i just ... like its online and offline and its with anyone and everyone and i dnt know. my family dont love me  and i jsut. idk . some ppl talk abt how quarantine has affected them in terms of loneliness but it has not.. changed anyhting in that regard for me its justbeen this i dont talk to anyone theres been years where i didnt and it did nothing but made it harder for me to function i didnt fucking see anyone for years and i can go months and months without a single person realising i exist and i jsut hate it man. i just hate it and how tired i am and how much it takes and how even if i do expend all the energy i have i jsut end up rotting and miserable and even more upset because in those cases i ve tried and ive wanted and ive still ended up sad and alone bc thts what happens then! when i do try i just get all cut up bc im still not good enough and never good enough , and i dont know why im just not good enough for anything but again i just. i feel like ive been shutting down for years now bc i cant do anything its not just this ! its everything the most fundamental parts abt me and i dont know. ive always had lots of issues with tht but i jsut... its uncontrollable now it really fucking is i try to do uni work and my heads just swimming and none of it connects i cant fucking pt anything together i cant fucking function cant get up cant manage i jsut. why should i man why and its like. i give up i really do but its like. so what i say i give up wht does THAT even matter bc its just me fucking screaming at myself and its as ever unchanging as everything seems to be. i can try and it means nothing i can keel over and die and it means nothing i just want to shake and break something and to feel like i exist and ppl can still fuckn see me and idk i was a brat fucking kid and heaven knows i fucking deserved half i got but fuckn sometimes i wnt to just feel at least some of tht again just fuckn anger and upset at least and to burn and to act out but even that just . i know it runs hollow in the end and its still so meaningless its still nothing bc at the end of the day nobdy is gonna love u and u still fucking die empty . what was i saying. fcking god i feel so gross im sweating its 5am i have shit to do at 9am, i ahev a meeting i have to minute at noon im going to screw it all up i just keep doing that babe! i just k

[spencerxreiders]

I Would Miss You Too Much (Bughead]

Betty Cooper is done being a pawn. So, she makes the final play. 

Warning: suicide attempt

Please leave feedback if you enjoy :)

Betty’s nude pink finger nails shone in the light streaming past her curtains. The street lamps had an orange glow to them,but the tears in her eyes blurred the spots of light together.

Betty cooper hated to admit it, but her life had gone to absolute dogshit.

Her sister, her parents, her best friend, and now, her boyfriend. How many things would she have to lose before this nightmare game would end?

The party she had left hours ago still felt fresh in her mind. The hoard of teens filled with sweet reckless abandon, coerced into taking that drug, had looked so free. Betty had been so jealous of their excitement, she almost truly felt angry at Veronica’s luck.

But as soon as she had to confront her best friend, to the black hood’s psychotic command, there was only sadness. No jealousy, no rage, not even fear. Just a cold, consuming sadness.

She felt cruel, and the sight of herself was enough to cause bile to raise in the back of her throat. That guilt was choking her, like a rope being pulled around her neck. She felt like the biggest sinner of them all.

If letting Veronica go hurt this badly, she could only imagine what it would feel like to push jughead away. Jughead, the person she loved most. Even if there had been a few riffs recently, she still remained head over heels for him, and she knew she always would.

That’s why she decided to stop before it was too late. Maybe it was selfish, but Betty Cooper was done coming second in her own life. She wanted this, so she would take it.

It was two in the morning when she began, starting by locking her bedroom door. She dug through her drawer until she found one of her razors.

She began to dismantle the flimsy green plastic until the silver blade landed in her palm. The rectangular piece of metal looked right laying there, surrounded by the multitude of crescent shaped nail marks she dug into herself constantly.

Her friends had tried to get her to stop, but they understood the fact that it was her coping mechanism. Eventually, they let up, except for Jughead who would take her hand in his whenever he caught her doing it. Her breath hitched at the thought of Jughead, the beanie wearing boy she had grown to love so much.

She didn’t want to die and leave him alone, but she couldn’t do what the black hood was asking of her. That was where she drew the line.

She cared far too much for him to watch his face crumble, to walk away. So, she made her way to the bathroom. She closed the door with slightly chipped wood, feeling the white grain beneath her fingertips one last time.

She slowly slipped her pink pullover sweater off of her body, revealing her equally as pastel yellow tank top. She neatly folded the knitted fabric and set it on the counter. Her reflection stared back at her, face pale and tear covered. She ran a shaky hand through her blonde hair, her eyes falling back to the porcelain countertop.

The glinting blade stared back at her, taunting. Having never self harmed before, Betty wondered what it felt like, if it offered as much release as frequent cutters preached. She wondered if she should test it out before going all the way.

She picked it up, instinctually trying her hardest to avoid nicking her fingers. She almost laughed at her own nativity.

Her hand hovered above her other wrist, ready to make a slice. She realized, however, that if she wasted time she would chicken out. Her determination was strong, but Betty Cooper was soft. She wasn’t ready to give in.

So, she pressed a kiss to two of her fingers, which she pressed against the screen of her phone, displaying her favorite picture of Archie, V, B, and Juggie. The core four, soon to be the core three. She laughed humorlessly, feeling droplets inside her waterline. She wiped them away and plopped herself down on the tile flooring.

On one side of her sat her phone, on the other her blade. ‘I’m done stalling,’ she told herself before grabbing the metal and make a deep incision across her vein. She gasped in shock as the stinging sensation spread. Her gaze hardened as she did it again, and again, and again still until not an inch of her left forearm wasn’t smeared in crimson liquid.

She felt numb, didn’t feel a single cut, until she took a minute to breathe. Then she moaned out in agony as it seared. Choked sobs squeezed out of her throat and she looked at the area surrounding her. Blood everywhere, a mess her mother would have to clean.

Guilt flooded her chest in an instant, and though it didn’t quite register, so did regret. She quickly stood up to try and bandage herself, but fell straight back down. The force of her back hitting the linoleum knocked the breath out of her lungs, and for a few brief moments, Betty felt death.

She couldn’t stop herself from picking up her cell and dialing the oh so familiar number, the only person she wanted to see, the last voice she wanted to hear.

“Hey, Betty? It’s 3.. what’s up?”

“Juggie?” she choked out.

“Betts, what’s wrong?” Jughead asked worriedly, suddenly alert.

“Can you come over? Through my window. My parents can’t know.”

“Yeah, yeah of course.”

Betty could hear him throwing on clothes and getting his keys. “It’s bad, Juggie, just want to warn you.”

“Hold on for me, love, hold on.”

“I will,” Betty said before hanging up, hoping to keep her word.

The next few minutes went by in a blur. She felt too dizzy to do anything but stare at the ceiling, hoping Jughead would arrive soon.

As if on cue, he swiftly entered the room. His expression morphed from concern to complete and utter terror. He dropped to his knees and pulled his girlfriend into his arms, shaking just as badly as she was.

He immediately brought her wrist to his face to inspect, feeling tears slip down his face.

He felt sick as he looked at the deep open wounds in her once flawless skin. He would ask her questions later, he decided. For now he would do his best to fix her up.

His heart was positively shattered as he hustled about the bathroom, trying to get everything he needed. He gently picked Betty up off the floor and set her on top of the toilet lid before finding hydrogen peroxide and bandages.

He took a wet rag and, while still crying his eyes out, cleaned the dried blood from her forearm. He then took a cotton ball and cleaned her cuts with the peroxide, trying to ignore the sharp intakes of breath as she felt the stinging sensation.

Finally, he wrapped a bandage tightly around her arm, until the spool ran out. Both teens sighed in unison.

“Juggie, I’m sorry,” she sobbed. “I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t.”

Confusion clouded Jughead’s features. “Couldn’t do what?

Shakily, she stood up, holding on to his forearms for support. Standing on her tip toes, she whispered into his ear the instructions the dreaded Black Hood had given her.

Jughead immediately pulled her into a soft hug, allowing her to cry into his neck. "Im so sorry, Betty, I’m so sorry,” he repeated like a mantra. “I love you, Jughead, I can’t live in a world where we can’t be together,” she continued with her broken voice. She lost her balance once again, and jughead was quick to pull her to his chest, looping his arms under hers.

“You don’t have to worry, Betts. Just please, don’t ever, ever, do something like this again,” he pleaded, eyes glassy and filled with tears. He felt her nod against him. “I promise, Juggie.”

He sighed before planting his lips to her forehead. “I love you,” he said softly, brushing her tears away with the gentle pad of his thumb. “I love you too,” she said, her lips pulling up into a smile.

He bent over to hook his arm underneath her knees before standing up, cradling the fragile girl in his arms. He carefully carried her into her room before tucking her into bed. “Let me clean up in the bathroom,” he said before kissing her lips so lightly she almost didn’t feel it.

He went to work, ridding the room of all evidence. The small room smelled strongly of cleaning products, but Betty was known as a stress cleaner, so no one would find it too unusual.

He took the blade and flushed it down the toilet, as assurance for himself. The thought of her trying again caused his stomach to drop.

When he came back into her bedroom, she was laying awake on her bed, staring up at her ceiling which was littered with glow in the dark star cut outs. Her eyes flickered to him, before looking back up in shame. Jughead recognized that, and immediately sat on the side of her bed.

He looked at her bare arm, leading up to a thick bandage wrap at her wrist. He leaned down to kiss the gauze, smiling as a blush rose to her cheeks. “You’re so beautiful, Betty,” he murmured as he kissed his way up her arm, to her collar, to her neck, and landing securely on her lips.

She kissed him back, trying to push gratitude from her lips. She owed him her life, literally. Anything he asked of her, she would deliver, even the promise she made in the bathroom.

He  got up to leave the room out the window, turning around only as her shaky hand gripped his weakly. “I don’t want to be alone tonight,” she whimpered.

An understanding smile crossed his face as he returned to the bed. His jacket landed on the floor beside his boots, and his hat lay on her desk.

He decided to lay atop her comforter, wanting her to feel as safe as possible. His arm lay across her stomach as her back, separated by a few layers of fabric, presses against his chest. “Get some rest, Miss Cooper. You need it,” he said, stretching himself out before relaxing once more.

Betty smiled. “Thank you for tonight.” His thumb gently ran across her faint freckles.  "Get some rest, love.“

Tomorrow he would talk to her, figure out their solutions. But tonight he would let his hands run through that blonde ponytail, rest his hand over her heart, beating against his palm.

He winced at the thought that he may have never felt it again. But he did, he reminds himself, and that’s what’s important. That, and Betty Cooper.

[jjedii-blog1]

see you soon, baby (p.d)

part one / two

an: idk how fueling xwings work lmao, im rly proud of this ahhh

pairing: poe x reader

warnings: “death”

summary: after a dangerous mission poe is struck by the first order. your heart is torn in two but will you find him alive?

Poe admitted that this mission was too difficult.

The pilots were sent to take down two dreadnoughts as the number of First Order weapons was rapidly increasing. You told him not to go, begged him in fact, but he responded by telling you that ‘it was his duty’. Leia had reassured him that the pilots didn’t need to go. That they could simply continue as they were. But he shrugged her off and told her that he’d be fine.

The morning of the mission was dreadful. You awoke to a nauseating feeling in your stomach, a gut-wrenching dread which only intensified when you noticed that Poe wasn’t sleeping beside you.

Scrambling out of bed, you rushed to the launch bay, hoping to find him there.

He couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

And there he was — fuelling up his X-Wing, his lips pouting slightly and his brown curls falling over his forehead. His eyebrows were knitted tightly together, his mind clearly going over the plan for their mission. Your face contorted as he ran his left hand through his hair, the idea of oil and dirt being spread throughout it disgusted you.

Poe scanned the room; his eyes fell on you as a tired smile spread across his face. You swiftly made your way to him, smiling at Jessika as you passed her.

“Hey, baby,” Poe grinned. He made sure to wipe his hand on the orange jumpsuit before pulling you into his side. One hand still remained on the fuel pump while the other held your hand, lightly grazing it with his thumb.

“Sorry I wasn’t there when you woke up,” he mumbled, sliding away from you and unhooking the fuel pump. “It’s fine, Poe, don’t worry about it. How’re you feeling?”

At this point you were pretty certain that you were more nervous than him. Your hands hadn’t stopped shaking since the moment you opened your eyes.

“Pretty good actually I’ve got a good feeling about it!” A good feeling about it? How could you two feel such opposites?

You jumped slightly as the noise from the speakers ricocheted around the bay.

“T-minus ten minutes until take off.”

Poe gave you a confused look as he finished up his X-Wing, “are you okay? You’re a bit jumpy.” “Yeah I’m fine, just worried.” “Don’t be, I’ve already told you — I’m gonna be just fine,” he sighed before wrapping his arms around you.

Poe held you tight against his chest, his hand resting on your lower back while the other tangled in your hair. He dipped his head down into the crook of your neck; placing a small kiss there.

You clung to Poe with some kind of desperation. Some kind of fear that if you let him go too soon, you wouldn’t see him again. Your fingertips dug into his orange jumpsuit as you fisted it in your hands. Wet tears began to dampen your eyelashes — no matter how hard you tried to resist them.

Snuffles were muffled by Poe’s chest but that could never stop him from knowing you were crying. “Hey, hey, don’t cry,” he whispered, “princess, I swear I’ll be perfectly fine. I’ll talk to you over the comm.”

Small circles were quickly run over your back in an attempt to soothe your tears and calm your nerves.

“T-minus 5 minutes until take off.”

“Princess I really need to get going,” he sighed whilst pulling away from you, “but I love you okay? I love you more than anything.” “I love you too Poe, so, so much.”

He brought his lips to yours. Gentle and loving and passionate and filled with everything Poe wanted to tell you. Everything he wouldn’t have time to tell you.

“See you soon, baby.”

In this moment you realised that the pain you felt when you said goodbye was of little importance.

All X-Wings had been promptly taken down. A First Order spy had been outed within the Resistance. They informed the First Order of the intended plans so when the pilots arrived they were met with three times the weapons that they were expecting.

You watched it happen.

Ship after ship. Plucked out of the sky like a fly being swatted by a cat. Then you saw his X-Wing.

It was unbelievable at first. Some kind of cruel and sick and twisted dream conjured by your worried mind yet here you were, stood by Leia, sinking to your knees because the man you love, loved, was killed moments ago.

Your knees hit the floor. Hard and fast like the pilots that had plummeted to the planets beneath them.

Numbness grew through your body. Vines leeching every speck of hope and light and love from your veins.

You wanted to scream. But you were silenced by the ragged breaths that tore through your chest. Unstoppable. Unbearable. It felt like you were drowning, like you tried and tried but you couldn’t keep your head above water. Above darkness.

The pain you felt was too severe for tears. Instead, dry sobbing shook you to your core. A white noise deafened you. You were sure there was chaos and screaming and crying coming from behind you but it didn’t matter. You were sure that Leia would be trying to console you but she couldn’t.

He was gone.

Wiped out by the fascist scum of the First Order and you would have your revenge. A supernatural rage consumed your whole being while suddenly you found yourself racing to the closest transport to get you to them.

“Y/N.” Leia. “Stop, I know what you’re thinking and that’s not the way forward. You’re hurt, I know your pain.” She opened her arms allowing you to crumple against her and, oh boy, did you. Waves of sadness flushed through you as heavy, wet sobs racked your body.

“General,” it was the voice of a timid control worker, “I am so, incredibly, sorry to disturb you but we need you up front.” Leia sighed, an upset and frustrated sigh. “I’m busy.” “Y-yes General, I see, but we really need you,” the worker’s eyes met Leia’s, “the First Order are approaching.”

Panic lit Leia’s eyes, “we need to move.”

Hours felt like days. Days felt like weeks. Weeks felt like months.

It was a struggle the following months after — emotionally and regarding the First Order. Isolation was your coping mechanism; not a good one, by any means, but it helped.

You and Poe would often spend all day with Finn and Rey — the unbreakable bond knitted the four of you together from the moment you met. But now the bond had been snapped, a fragile twig stepped on by a First Order boot.

You were never alone. Finn was by your side constantly; checking and reassuring and comforting. Everyone told you they missed him and, god, did you wish they would stop. Because not a single person on that ship missed him more than you did. Not Finn or Rey or Leia.

Perhaps you could find peace if you could do one thing.

“No Y/N, you know how dangerous that would be,” Leia stated, her authoritative tone peeking through. She knew she had to put her foot down. “But Le—“ “No.” “If I could just go back a-and find him then maybe I’d be able to rest, to have closure!” “We can’t risk going back there Y/N!” “Me, Finn and Rey could go,” this could work, the three of you. Leia’s eyes lightened, a soft smile on her face. She could feel how desperate you were, desperate to have closure of his death. To find him, to know if he was truly dead. Perhaps he’d survived and now he was out there on a plant — cold and alone.

“Okay,” Leia hushed.

[bloomvroom]

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

[baekkxong]

A-List – Part 2

Part 1

Pairing: BTS Jungkook X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Swearing

Word Count: 1,834

A/N 2 months later and it’s updated im sosorry

You were miserable. Miserable to the point that you no longer found dancing, singing and performing an enjoyment of yours. It was all laborious, tiring and arduous. It required such strenuous effort and you no longer found the motivation or excitement in your work. You used to find being an idol such a blessing – you were one among the incredibly lucky ones. Yet now, you wondered quite how immoral you must have been to deserve experiencing such an unfair scenario. You could feel yourself drifting away from your bandmates, becoming more spiteful towards even the friendliest workers in the company, and tending to stay in your room until you needed to come out.

Once Jisu, Mijin and Yeona had heard the news, they’d bombarded you with questions: why didn’t you tell us beforehand? Wasn’t he treating you right? I thought you were head over heels for him? It had all become so overwhelming they’d reduced you tears, crying into their arms while avoiding answering a single one of their questions.  

While you’d got away with remaining secretive about the whole deal with Jungkook, Jisu had decided she’d have to pursue what happened in order to help heal you. You had been in your room tidying relentlessly – something which had become a coping habit of yours - when Jisu had let herself inside.

“Hey,” she approached you softly, soft brown eyes adjusting to the dim lighting in the room. You threw the last pillow on your bed and looked up to see her. She was dressed in a strap top and pyjama shorts, face clean of makeup and hair up in a messy bun. You were in similar attire, although you felt nothing as radiant as she looked in her natural state.

“Hi.” Your voice was quiet.

She lowered herself down onto your bed, reaching for your wrist and tugging gently. You sat next to her. The tension between the both of you was like that of friends who’d recently fought. Jisu was behaving as if you’d explode any second; she was stepping on eggshells.

“I just wanted to talk,” Jisu shrugged, “to you.”

“About what?” you questioned, although you needn’t have asked.

“You know… the situation.”

You frowned uncomfortably and looked away from her, finding something on the wall of your room to look at instead. Jisu shifted closer to you and reached for both your wrists which were resting between your thighs.

“Y/N, anyone can see how shit you feel. And that you miss Jung- ” You whipped your head around, wincing and shocking her to silence for a moment. Jisu sighed. “We’re all worried about you. You can open up to me, you know. Please, it’ll make you feel better. And how can we help if you’re caging yourself away from us?”

You were trying so hard, holding with all your might to keep the brick wall you’d built from collapsing. Feeling like a child, you bit your lip to push the tears back and looked away. The wall was trembling. Seeing Jisu so anxious and sympathetic hurt you, and soon were unable to protect the wall from the tremors. You burst into tears, sobbing into Jisu’s shirt while she rubbed your back comfortingly. You stayed like that for a while before finally leaning away from her and looking her into her concerned eyes.

“Hyunwoo made me do it. Of course I never wanted to break up with Jungkook; I love him so much. I never wanted any of this to happen.”

You’d never seen Jisu’s eyes filled with so much sincerity.

“Break up with him?! What? Why?” you demanded, challenging Hyunwoo. He opened his mouth to respond, but instead you interrupted him. “You think me breaking up with him is going to make more money for you?! Look at you,” you gestured to your manager – still sitting on the desk and looking down at you as if he were a king – “you’re richer than all of us put together. Instead of watching our earnings run into your pocket, why don’t you invest in the wellbeing of the members?” you ranted, unable to control yourself as the accusations kept coming out.

Hyunwoo remained scarily calm.

“Y/N,” he began, shifting slightly and allowing you to recognise the pounding of your blood in your head, “I don’t appreciate the way you’re speaking to me.”

You were silent.

“You will break up with him tonight.”

“… Why me?” you asked, your throat hoarse as you daren’t let any tears arise.

“It’s your relationship. You do it. And you will not tell him the truth.”

“Excuse me?”

“Right, picture this. Y/N, you’re tired of dealing with the publicity. The hate is getting to you. You hate how your relationship is a spectacle for fans all over the world. That is why you’re breaking up with him.” Hyunwoo set the scene as easily and as casually as if you were filming a music video. He was getting you into your role – getting you in the head of who you were playing as you often did. While Hyunwoo’s director instincts were great, often producing fantastic ideas, it meant he viewed the world with great expectations, as if everything were literature and he were the writer. He enjoyed being in control, to write the story and watch the events unfold and fall into place.

“You expect me to lie to him?” Your voice was barely a whisper and your manager had to strain to hear you.

“You of all people know what Jeon Jungkook’s like. He won’t stand for it. He can be rather hot-headed, can’t he?” You wanted to defy him, to say that lying wouldn’t be necessary, but you full well knew how angry Jungkook would become. Hyunwoo was right, and it made you sick. Talking about Jungkook like that felt so personal; discussing his personality only made your heart warm with familiarity, but was soon struck with ice once the circumstances crawled back to you. Even Hyunwoo knew that Jungkook would be upset and protective over you – and it only broke your heart more.

Searching desperately for an excuse, you wildly attempted to stall the process one last time.

“It wouldn’t make any sense – breaking up with him now. We’re so happy at the moment,” you tried.

“Y/N,” Hyunwoo said sternly. “Just do it.”

He gave you a look which you knew all too well, one that screamed the threats he had in mind. You had crossed Hyunwoo one too many times and had certainly learnt to obey him. All four of you had grown to become submissive and respectful towards your manager. It was unfair and inhumane, his form of mental torture, but it also made you successful. While what he did was wrong, you had all been twisted to believe that it was justified – you lived a glorious life loved by all the world after all.

Your group had been close with the whole of BTS, frequently visiting their dorms like college kids. You no longer went. The other three girls noticed that Jungkook hardly joined them anymore, and while the nine of them were used to the two of you being absent, an unhappy aura hung low in the air. You two would only be absent as you were together - and the thought that you were both in your rooms alone, mourning the relationship, made everyone uncomfortable. It was all so different and wrong.

Everyone sans for both you and Jungkook were huddled in BTS’ living room. Some were slung lazily on the sofas and chairs, while some crowded round the coffee table, sitting cross-legged on the carpet. You’d ordered pizza and had put a movie on, which ran quietly in the background while you all chatted.

“I still can’t believe Y/N broke up with Jungkook. It just seems so unlike her – weren’t they happy?” Namjoon asked, sitting in front of the small table while trying his best to build a house of cards. Jisu was silent, staring at the floor and convincing herself that spilling the truth wouldn’t necessarily fix things.

Yeona frowned. “I know, it’s so strange. Y/N’s been miserable the whole time. It sucks seeing her like this.”

“Then why’d she do it?” Yoongi questioned, sitting with his legs swinging over the armrest of his sofa chair and pulling out an earphone.

“Speaking of,” Jisu interrupted, attempting to steer the conversation away while also gaining some kind of information. “How is Jungkook?”

Namjoon opened his mouth to respond before the door of the sitting room opened. It was Jungkook himself, dressed in a huge red hoodie with the hood up, concealing his messy hair. All eyes fell on him, tracing his movement. There were dark circles under his eyes, and while they were grey, they stood out as if they were fluorescent.

“Jungkook! You going to join us?” Jimin piped up, smiling extra widely to his friend and attempting to lighten the mood in the room.

“Just came to get pizza,” Jungkook answered, making his way to the coffee table and picking up the last, cold slice in one of the cardboard boxes.

“Why don’t you stay? We can play a game of cards,” Jisu suggested and glanced at Namjoon, who had almost finished building his tower. Namjoon flicked an evil glance back at her – it had taken him all night to get as far as he had with the playing cards just then, but would really do anything if it meant improving Jungkook’s mood.

“Nah, I’m good. Tired.” He turned and departed the room while everyone watched after him with sad eyes.

“Yeah, not so well,” Taehyung sighed, answering Jisu’s previous question.

“At least he ate something this time,” Hoseok said, eyes lingering on the now empty pizza box.

You found yourself in Hyunwoo’s office again, and never had you hated your job quite so much as you did in that particular moment. You stood lazily, your posture untidy and unattractive while you glared aimlessly at a painting of a gloomy and desolate forest, where a strange white path stretched forwards to nowhere behind your manager’s head.

“Are you listening?” he hissed, and you blinked, in an attempt to bring yourself back to reality.

“Sorry, yes.”

“You were tying him back, holding him down. Jungkook didn’t deserve that. Now he’s thriving, don’t you see it? Their comeback was a tremendous success, and it’s all thanks to you.” He smiled falsely. Hyunwoo structured his words carefully to make sure you were both aware that it was in fact him who had boosted BTS’ success, not you, by steering your relationship to a dead end. Your band’s sales had increased also, however Hyunwoo cautiously decided not to address that. He was snide, and soon he’d drilled it into your head that you should feel guilty. “Jungkook must maintain his innocent, maknae image. You understand that, don’t you?”

You nodded, and soon realised that your fingernails, which had been digging into your elbow, had drawn blood.