#a fucking nightmare that took me 9 months to get to this point

[hexabeast]

Went in to the Informed Consent Clinic my buddy recommended to me and the nice doctor he rec'd came into the room and after introductions went, verbatim:

"So, let me guess. Your doctor referred you to [Endochrinologist] at [Big City Hospital]. You tried to book with them and they were booked through the entire year. You complained about it and a friend went 'you should go to [clinic] and see me, by name."

"....Yes, yes actually. Exactly that."

"We get that a lot."

kind of tells you about the state of transitioning here in georgia i gues

[hadesrise]

murder for you, baby !!

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 ➾ a justifiable serial killer on the loose, and jason finds himself being enamoured by him.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ➾ jason todd x dbd!ghostface!male reader

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ➾ nsfw content, serial killer themes, dead dove do not eat, sexual arousal in response to violence or torture, murder, blood, deaths, gore, foul language, bottom!jason, top!reader, reader’s physique is described as tall and broad ( the slasher build ), possessiveness, choking, praise kink, blood kink, knife play ( reader carving his initials on jason ), toxic!reader ( ? ), sorta toxic relationship but also not, unprotected sex, love-making, pet names, overstimulation, dumbification, degradation if you squint, lil’ bit of manipulation, creampie, doggy style, mating press, biting, marking, oral ( r. receiving ), voice kink ( ? )

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ➾ not me coming back with halloween themed fic after halloween days have passed lol. i’m alive, y’all !! hope you enjoy this one that took a fucking month to write 😭

𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐊 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 ; this post may contain disturbing contents that may not be suitable for every reader — a reader discretion is advised. MINORS DNI.

Gotham’s been terrorized by the worst people you could ever imagine, the kind that’ll stick with you forever and take residence to your nightmares if you were unfortunate enough. Many were hurt or even murdered as a result of the villains’ terrorization, with vigilantes running through the night to capture and send them to Arkham Asylum.

With the existence of a Psychopathic Clown, his equally psychopathic girlfriend with PHD’s that’s been wasted down the line, the Mother Nature freak, the ridiculously huge man with a gas mask on, the green coloured living question mark, and many others, no one would’ve ever thought anything could get any worse.

Until some criminals’ bodies turn up across the streets in such disturbing manner that haunts the witnesses to death.

One, a criminal who murdered young and homeless boys, gutted deeply to the point of their intestines hanging out. Another, a criminal known for kidnapping and selling people’s organs, mutilated with their torso torn back to expose the organs settled inside of them. Another one, a priest-turned-criminal who’s been violating women and children, crucified naked in his own church with his eyes gouged out, a Bible verse carved in his chest; ‘And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.’ Matthew 18:9; his penis cut off and body seemingly violated as well. Another more turns up, a governor-turned-criminal who’s been feeding into the rich despite their oath of generosity towards the poor, severely tortured with the skin on his back cut open, ribs severed from the spine and broken to the sides in order to create the illusion of wings, fluttering lungs pulled out from their chest cavity to resemble an eagle’s wings, with the word ‘traitor’ carved on his forehead.

The brutality and gruesome nature of the murders has set an alarming panic and fear across Gotham City that forced civilians into locking their doors at night. Criminals who were unidentified and not found by Gotham Police Department were also turning up in a form of miserable, tortured soul, along with the evidence and proofs of their crimes being carelessly laid beside their lifeless corpse.

The killer taunts those who are in charge of justice within their city each time the damned were unfortunate enough to be hunted down; pigs of failure written in the criminal’s blood right beside the drawing of a police’s logo.

However, despite how gruesome and disturbing the murders were, most people couldn’t deny that it was doing the city a favor. Justice System has failed more times than one could count to the extent of victims yearning to exact revenge themselves against their perpetrator, which causes most to react rather positively to the wrongful, unlikely hero who had seem to suddenly appear out of nowhere. The haunted finally getting the chance to slay the traumatic demons with the help of another psychopath on the loose.

Another justified monstrosity shouldn’t be the counter against one inhumane monstrosity that caused so much pain, trauma, and misery. But kindness could not vanquish one’s tainted blood. Forgiveness could not suddenly wash away the sins engraved deeply into one’s soul.

Imperfect, the victims muttered. An imperfect yet perfect way to save our burning souls wrongfully condemned by the criminals.

Red Hood has heard their murmurs.

Silent whispers of gratitude that fell on deaf ears, their previously dim soul brightening in relief and sanctuary with smiles on their faces as the Universe had finally took mercy on them and sent a Fallen Angel to slay the Demons away. He’s watched their spirit uplift, no longer chained down by the trauma and fear of the monsters that once ruined their lives, able to walk the streets carefree of tormentors. He’s watched their stiff posture visibly loosen, lively peacefulness settling itself at last within their haunted eyes. He’s watched them glow with happiness not feeling the presence of their perpetrator every couple of seconds, finally capable of living without needing to constantly look over their shoulders in paranoia and fear.

Ghostface is what the serial killer’s called, nickname born out of the mask that resembled a ghost always being left behind in crime scenes, each slightly different.

Jason has seen you. He didn’t mean to, really.

The temptation to get at least one look at you was great every-time he patrolled, wishing to just catch glimpse of an immoral hero who could make sacrifices no actual heroes could — who’s doing exactly what he wished before for Batman to do.

The Universe seems to have granted his wishes when his eyes catches the void of ghostface’s eyes, your mask tainted in splatters of blood from the dead criminal below you. Jason feels his world come to a stop as you slowly rise from crouching position and reveal your unnaturally tall height, broad shoulders visible under the black hooded leather. You hold silence and calmness despite being caught, tilting your head slightly to the side.

His heartbeat quickens yet he doesn’t feel fear. Jason idiotically steps closer as if he was in a trance, burning your existence within his eyes to engrave in his memory. Your bloody knife barely grazes his neck to stop him before using it to tilt his chin up, your figure looming and towering over him while seemingly staring into his eyes through his helmet.

A sense of peacefulness overcomes Jason being in your presence despite the absolute brutality and mercilessness that surrounded your entire being. You were deadly, silent, certainly creative with your work that it deems almost artistic, as if the criminals’ bodies were your own canvas to paint on — and Jason finds solace in you. A man he always needed, someone who’d be willing to cross the line and get rid of the actual evil for the sake of victims that’d be forever haunted if it continues to exist.

“I’ve heard things about you, Red Hood.”

Low, raspy, monotone voice speaks, sending shivers down his spine. It sounds cool and handsome regardless of the obvious use of voice changer, somehow littered with tiniest hint of flirtatiousness.

It takes him quite a while to answer, barely managing to let out a “yeah?” as he feels you drag the knife slightly closer to his pulse. His heartbeat quickens, but slows down when the cold metal was finally pulled away.

“Pleasant things,” You hummed, before your voice lowered a few octaves, “Can’t say the same about Batman.” Anger seems to seep through your tone that felt a little more than just sympathy for victims of villains Batman refused to put six feet under. Jason wondered if you’re also one of the victims his father failed.

“You… You know him that much?” Jason’s voice shakes from the nerve, your presence somehow greatly affecting him.

“I think everyone knows him enough,” You chuckled, but it sounded so empty that Jason can’t help but feel the goosebumps rise on his skin. It was quite chilling to meet someone who shows only a certain amount of emotion which could even be felt expressionless due to the monotonous pitch. The ghostface mask certainly did its job of making you seem more less human, the unmoving expression of ghost being horrified to death adding to the eeriness of your toneless mechanic voice.

Jason’s breath hitched when you took one step closer.

“But I know more about you. Your little past and the sufferings you’ve endured,” It’s spoken as if his life was one of your necessary investigation in your twisted justice. “It’s unfair, don’t you think? I would’ve gutted the Joker like a fish if it were to happen to my son.” There’s a condescending way in which you spoke, not directed at Jason but to Bruce.

“How—” Jason swallowed. “How did you—”

“I can make your dreams come true,” You interrupted him with a tempting offer, shutting him up effectively. Wide grin plastered your face despite not being seen behind your mask. “I can kill the Clown for you, Red Hood. If it means it’ll silence your troubled spirit. If it’ll bring you peace. I can hurt him on your behalf just like he deserves.”

It was like a whisper from the devil, slithering its way into Jason’s heart and mind to possess his soul, mirroring the one which whispered on Adam and Eve’s ears.

He’s been wanting — needing — to hear those words come out of Bruce. His suffering and death seemingly being brushed off as a cruel accident shattered him more than he’d ever admit, Bruce’s unhealthy coping mechanism and morality getting in the way of showing his love for Jason that left the younger man feel lesser than he was. Bruce was a complex person that’s sometimes difficult to understand, his impressive ways to stick to his morals being exactly his character, but Jason wanted for once, to actually feel how important he was to his father.

Was that too much to ask for, or was he just unworthy of the entirety of it?

“Why would you do that for me?” Confusion and subtle suspicion filled his tone as Jason narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out your intention despite the rush of hope that shot throughout his chest. He forced himself to feel nothing when you leaned in closer.

“Because you were wronged, of course.” You simply stated. “You are a victim. Not more, not less. You deserve a little more than just empty justice. And I’m a man who got tired of vigilantes that are afraid to make sacrifices for the greater good.” Then, you tilt your head slightly to the side in a way that’s somehow alluring. “But I can also say I’m intrigued by you.”

Jason’s heartbeat quickens again when your big hand seems to wrap perfectly around his throat, fingers resting just above his pulse points. It makes such filthy thoughts flood themselves into his mind, your long and quite thick fingers falling victims to his tainted imagination, and he had to give everything in himself not to bare his throat more for you. You seem pleased of his lack of disobedience and bite, having expected him to shove your hand away or flinch back before you could touch him. You’ve seen Red Hood once and how his uncontrollable rage resulted in violence, heavy burdens and extreme trauma turning him into a ticking time bomb that could explode any minute with the wrong move. He was absolutely lethal, the bullets serving as the evidence of his wrath and resentment towards the underground scumbags. It’s amusing that you have the man of violence himself now somehow completely under your control, surprisingly quiet and shy and obedient. You wondered if this is how he was before he was ruined by the cruelty of the world.

“You want it, don’t you? For me to kill the Joker.”

Jason feels as if you know everything he wants. Is this what it feels like to be important?

It takes a little while for him to answer, but he eventually came up with a “You’ll do that?” which sounded vulnerable and weak for the first time in his second life. Your heart clenched at the doubt and seemingly child-like vulnerability in which he uttered the words, as if he was afraid to trust something after being betrayed countless of times, reminding you of the sole person you’ve even began doing all of this for. They were quite similar yet so different — your older brother and Jason.

You hadn’t meant to cross his boundaries and unknowingly step into the empty hole that made home in his heart. Unconsciously slithering in like a snake by touching the subject his heart was longing for, not realizing his childhood’s still remaining within his spirit.

All he wanted was love and to feel safe again. You didn’t know the Red Hood was so adorably pitiful. A smirk plastered your face.

“I will,” You reassured and leaned your face inches away from his, the hand on his throat lifting his helmet slightly.

Jason doesn’t retaliate, blinded by a meat of hope dangled in front of him. He doesn’t move as the lower half of his face was exposed, and you lifted your own mask the same using your other hand. Jason willingly, obediently closes his eyes before your lips attached to his — a kiss of death, tasting like blood and cruelty. Warm and soft despite your rough, cold-blooded, corrupted soul. A kiss from the devil.

When Jason opened his eyes, you had already disappeared into the darkness with blood stains on the ground you stood before, a single note left behind; Hell will reopen for the Clown.

After neatly tucking the note inside his jacket and making sure no evidence has been accidentally left on the crime scene, Red Hood smiles for the first time in a long while and reaches for the comms without a heavy heart.

“Batman, I found another body.”

Whatever happens, he’ll have no knowledge of the following misfortune that’ll befall on the Joker. It’s the righteous serial killer’s doing, after all.

What was used to be a maniacal laughter turned into screams of agony and pain. Strong stench of death and blood makes euphoria rush within your mind, the feeling of slicing through flesh with your knife bringing pleasure and ecstasy that made your pants tight. There’s a certain amount of satisfaction in the way your own actions cause serious harm and scarring to criminals who once deemed themselves powerful, being reduced into nothing but a powerless prey that could easily be gotten rid of.

You feel increasingly powerful the more you strip them of their dignity and arrogance as they shed blood on the holy ground. Your existence alone striking them with crippling fear and anxiety feeds into your ego, yet you never stray away from the sole purpose or reason for your murders — making them taste their own medicine.

From what you found on countless deep dive and research, Joker preyed on Red Hood when he was still a young child full of life and joy, having been under the name Robin at the time. Second Robin to be exact, considering he was a lot different from the first one. It actually surprisingly pained you when you’d seen how much of an adorable, dorky, nice kid he was before misfortune cut his life short. You would’ve never thought you would find a kid adorable in your entire life, the little menaces often being nothing more than a headache to be around with that caused a certain dislike to grow towards them within you, but Jason was everything a cute kid was. Just excited to be there, to be fighting alongside Batman, to be relevant.

Such a precious boy ruined for the sake of shits and giggles for the Clown. For the sake of getting under Batman’s skin. And the Bat couldn’t even make fucking amends to his flaws as a father and mentor.

Well, he didn’t need to anymore.

You’ll give Red Hood— Jason Todd —what he wants. Yearned for. Perhaps, even what the other civilians who have fallen victims to this vile criminal want. You would stop at nothing until every criminal is gurgling and choking on their own blood.

Joker’s scream shoots a jolt of electricity within your body as your knife pierce through his skinny thigh and to the ground, pinning his leg down. You had been doing an effective job of reducing the maniac into nothing but a screaming, cowering average victim by torture. Bruises, burns, gashes, and stab wounds littered his body that was done carefully enough to not be life-threatening. Fucker was laughing maniacally at first, of course. It irritated you so much that you might’ve went a little overboard.

Watching Joker heave and struggle to breathe from the pain, you tilted your head and roughly grabbed his throat. It catches him off guard and he grips your wrist, barely even having the strength to fight you off. You’re amused by the entirety of Joker’s nature, how he’s still just an average man that can easily be overpowered — nothing that makes him special enough to not be killed, becoming proof of Batman’s selfish willingness to let the victims suffer than bring them actual peace.

You’ve never uttered a word since you captured him and it unnerved Joker from the beginning, but then, words finally come out of your mouth in a form of monotonous, mechanical, emotionless, eerie voice as you lean over him; “Laugh it out, Joker. Why so serious?”

It sounded like a death sentence.

He’s right in a way, because another of your knife pierced the corner of his mouth soon as you uttered the words. Your other hand tightened on his arteries to choke him while you drag the knife to slit the side of his mouth into a grin, following the lines of his red lipstick. It was certainly not a clean cut, but an artist has their own creative ways to make their art. Tears mixed in with blood that gushes out of his face, complete horrors written across Joker’s eyes which boosts your satisfaction. You go on and do the same thing to the other side of his mouth, before finishing your art piece by carving ‘J’ on his painted cheek.

You resist the urge to moan at the sight of blood coating your fine piece, always finding it to be an amazing finishing touch.

From then on, Joker was brought to literal Hell.

Jason flinches when a playful knock sounded from his safe house’s window, cautiously approaching to see ghostface waving at him through the glass. His eyes widened and immediately opens the window to let you in, not wanting anyone to see you — your sudden appearance distracting him from the fact he’s never given anyone the location of his safe house.

He stops in track at the blood splatters across your mask, and just then had he noticed you seemed to be hiding something behind your back with one hand. It definitely strikes his curiosity, but he somehow didn’t feel like you were holding something that could harm him.

“You got something for me, ghostface?” Jason feels you grin under your mask.

“Got you a present,” Your raspy, rough voice enthusiastically quipped.

Jason’s breath hitches when you show what you were holding — the Joker’s decapitated head in a square glass container tainted by its blood. You obviously had planned to bring it barehand, but you considered the possibility of its blood dripping down on his safe house and becoming a false evidence to point him to the murder, which prompted you to put it inside the container. An unbelievably sweet gesture for a fucking psychopath like you.

Jason could feel his heart beat rapidly as he takes in the animal’s state, carved up grin and the letter J and the horrors seen in its lifeless eyes proving the absolute misery and suffering it went through before being put down. The monster was finally, finally slain and gone forever from his life. Nightmares detangles from his spirit and the past unwraps away from his soul, utter peace and relief spreading throughout his chest. Tears gathered in his eyes at the feeling of being free at last from the life long torment, breath shaking as his knees wobbled.

The child in himself, the innocent Robin that was killed unfairly, finally rests in peace.

Then he sees you, his hero, waving your seemingly new knife playfully in the air with your outfit splattered in blood without a care that you actually saved him, and Jason feels a sudden surge of arousal and will to submit. To give you everything, anything.

“Do you love it, Red Hood?”

Without answering you, Jason grabs the glass container with shaky hands and sets it aside on the counter before stepping back closer to you again, blood rushing to his veins from arousal. He removes his helmet with a thud on the floor and falls to his knees in front of you, lustful and yearning emerald eyes looking up at you.

“Let me thank you, please.”

It makes you groan as your pants significantly tightens more.

You slide your knife back into the holster before cupping his beautiful face in your hands, and thank fucking Heavens there wasn’t any blood on it that would taint his face, because he’s a sight to behold. He’s truly a gem, something precious you had never seen before. “So beautiful,” You whispered, making Jason flush. “Baring yourself to me for such a simple present, doll?”

“Not a simple present,” Jason mumbled as he snuggles on the palm of your hands. “You saved me.”

You hum appreciatively, getting the itch to bare yourself to him as well. “You wanna thank me by what?”

Jason looks back at you, face flushed with a little hint of uncertainty and embarrassment, doubts. “I— uhm,” He stammers, but encouraged by your thumb’s gentle stroke on his cheek. “By… by becoming yours.”

Your cock throbs. Fuck, he’s so fucking adorable, you just wanna fuck his guts out. You’re usually tempted to gut people, not fuck their guts— which is funny to say the least— but you weren’t going to say no when the Red Hood’s so willing to offer himself up.

“You wanna take my mask off, doll?” He seems surprised by your question as if he hadn’t thought of it, making you chuckle. “If you wanna be mine, I gotta be yours too, don’t I?” It was dangerous to reveal your identity to him, but you couldn’t care less, especially when you could just fuck his brains out to shut him up. That’s the plan, first time that didn’t include butchering or cutting a body up.

Jason fucking Todd and his effects on you.

The emerald eyed male hesitantly grasped your mask when you led his hands to it, slowly lifting it over your head. He’s met with a fucking luscious feature to ever be adorned on a man and dark, lustfully murderous blood red eyes that makes a whimper slip past his lips. You merely widened your eyes at the sound he made before immediately grabbing his jaw and smashing your lips against his, swallowing Jason’s surprised gasp.

He reciprocates the insatiable hunger you displayed, tongue dancing along with yours and moaning into the kiss when your fingers lightly tugged on his hair. You pull him up in amidst of making out and squeeze his ass, encouraging him to wrap his legs around your hips. You detach your lips from his to trail kisses down his jaw and neck as you walked towards his bedroom, questionably knowing where it is, and Jason tilts his head back to give you more access with closed eyes. Letting him stimulate both of your restrained cocks by grinding down, you sat down on the bed and sucked on his throat as Jason moaned.

“Please, please…” He whimpers, uncontrollably moving his hips in a perfect rhythm yet he seemed to want something else.

You pulled away and traced his lips with your thumb, watching as he naturally took it in and sucked, giving you a desperate look. Swiftly turning off the voice changer attached to your neck in a form of choker, you chuckled when his hands fiddled with the belt on your hooded coat. “So needy, aren’t you?” Your real voice sends shivers down his spine.

An alluring, low, slightly rough pitch and somehow more emotionless than when you were using the voice changer. It makes his cock twitch and empty hole clench down on nothing, the need to be stuffed full of your cum swarming in his belly. You’re fucking bewitching, a man made up from every guy and girl’s fantasy, wet dream, and your attractiveness mirroring the Devil’s that would tempt and lure others to sin.

How the fuck were you real?

“Speak up, pretty bird.” You smirked, “What do you want?”

“Your cock,” Jason mutters, cheeks tinted in pink. “Wanna suck your cock and make you feel good.”

“Fuck…” You shifted in place, “You’ll do that f’me? Get my cock nice and wet to take you apart? To fuck your guts out?”

Jason shakily inhales and nods, climbing off your lap and kneeling on the floor. You lean back on your hands as he unstraps your belt and slide your zipper down, slightly raising your hips to help him get rid of the excess clothes. Your thick and lengthy cock smacks against your clothed stomach, making Jason’s mouth water. Thick veins throbbed on your big shaft, the tip angry and red from arousal leaking precum. It wasn’t just big, it was long, and Jason squeezes his thighs together to keep himself from just riding your cock all day.

His hand wraps around the base, starting to stroke it with a content rhythm. God, you were so fucking big. It’d definitely split him open if you shove it in so suddenly and fill him up nice. It’d make him scream his head off from the unbearable length and girth, almost too much, and Jason wants you to force him to take it. Pin him down and fuck him despite his pleas to stop.

Jason swipes his thumb over the slit, smearing precum, pumping it for a good amount before licking a stripe up the underside of your cock. You shudder, removing your gloves to slip your bare fingers through Jason’s hair, encouraging him to take you in. He obeys, relaxing his throat first before sliding your cock inside his warm mouth, and you groaned at the warmth that surrounded you. It almost didn’t fit from how big you were, but Jason braced himself and took it in further until he gagged as the tip touched the back of his throat. Wrapping his hand around your shaft that he couldn’t take in, stroking gently as if to apologize.

A moan slips past your lips when he starts bobbing his head, tongue brushing against the underside of your dick. “Fuck… Doin’ so good,” You roll your head back. “Such a pretty face to fuck, ain’t ya?”

Jason whines, tears gathered in his eyes as he sucks and fastens his rhythm. Curses, grunts leave your lips that left him feeling all hot and bothered, his other hand moving to skillfully pull his pants down and free his aching cock.

You see him touching himself and a smirk adorns your sinful face, gently scratching his scalp with your nails which earned you a whimper from him. “Go on, fuck yourself. We both know it wouldn’t fit that easily without proper prep,” Expression twisting into a cocky one, your grip on his hair tightened. “I’ll do as I please with your mouth until you’re done.”

Without waiting for his approval, you roughly shoved your cock deep down his throat and moaned loudly, throwing your head back. Jason gagged with a loud whimper as his eyes rolled back into his skull and cum shot out from his throbbing cock, hips jutting forward and twitching due to the sudden orgasm. You chuckle lowly, amusement and lust glinting in your bright red eyes, before you pull back and ram on his throat again.

Jason’s cries and moans were muffled as you ruthlessly use his throat to gain pleasure. His mind has already turned into mush from your assaults, white cum and precum staining the floor yet he doesn’t put up a fight. Taking it all like the good, obedient boy that he is. He’s reached behind him to insert two fingers in his awaiting hole, walls clamping down on the digits from the arousal of his throat being utterly wrecked.

Yesyesyes, please. He chanted in his mind. Use me, mark me, cum in my throat, make me yours.

The moment you fulfilled your promise and delivered him the head of his enemy, he was already yours. It’s all he ever wanted. Unquenchable thirst that always gnawed on his throat and hunger that left his stomach restless, his soul practically teared in half from being battered and beaten. He matters now — mattered enough to you, that you went ahead and killed the source of his misery. The love exploding in his chest was almost unbearable; he was already high on cloud nine from the moment he’s seen you present the head so cheerfully.

You see how he looks up at you, emerald eyes almost displaying hearts with how much he was melting. He’s taken your murderous act as an affection, and you couldn’t be more happy, because it’s what you intended.

“Shit, baby… Gonna cum soon,” You panted, thrusting vigorously. Jason hums and flexes his throat to provide you more pleasure, making you tighten the grip on his hair. “You want me to cum down your throat?”

You earned a desperate whine from him, closing his eyes to prove he was waiting for it. His fingers kept their own assault on his prostate, scissoring and stretching the squishy walls, muffled moans escaping him.

God, he looked so fucking gorgeous. He’d look even more gorgeous with your dick ramming inside him.

Jason feels your big cock throb in his mouth and his fingers move more aggressively to pleasure himself, wanting to reach his high at the same time as you. Stimulating your tip with the back of his throat a few times, you moaned loudly with a curse when Jason slightly flicks his tongue over your sensitive underside, forcing an orgasm out of your body. White, thick, warm seeds spurt out from your slit to his awaiting throat as Jason whimpered in delight and shot another layer of cum on the wet stained floor, hips thrusting in the air.

He greedily swallows every drop that spilled down his mouth despite the euphoria making him feel dizzy as his body slightly trembles.

You chuckled, breathing heavily, pleased expression spread across your face. “Good boy. That was such a good throat-fuck.”

The raspy, sultry tone of your voice makes electricity and chills run through Jason’s spine as his walls clench down on his fingers, yearning to be filled. Jason certainly doesn’t have a womb — it’s anatomically impossible — yet he couldn’t help but feel like it’s there, waiting and aching to be fucked and bred. He needs your cum to be pushed so far inside him. Need to be marked entirely as yours inside and out. Need you to rearrange his guts, fuck his brains out, breed him full, then fuck your cum further back into him.

Jason pulled his fingers out, whimpering at the loss of contact, before looking back up at you with begging eyes. “Can you-?” His voice cracks as he swallows, “Take me apart, please. Make me yours, fuck, I wanna be yours.”

You noticed tears gathering in his eyes, as if being rejected of his want to be your possession would be an ultimate heartbreak in his life; a life-threatening, gnawing thorn in his heart that’ll tear him apart piece by piece and shredding his soul. Jason thinks he can’t live without becoming yours, his savior’s. He can’t live without the source of his safety, the man that fulfilled his silly little dream and sacrificed his own sanity for it.

It absolutely amuses you that he’s become so attached just because you’ve driven him away from harm’s way. A little dumb, but he was your little dumb doll.

You gently caress his face and Jason leans into your touch, making your lips curl upwards into a smile. “Of course, doll.”

It leads to Jason being pressed face first on the mattress as you rail him from behind, sinful and alluring noises leaving his lips stained in drool. Your name escapes him like a chanted prayer, hands gripping the sheets, electricity sparking within his mind that left him dumb and unable to think coherently.

“Fuh-fuck! mgh, ah- yes, oh my god—!” He cries out when you pulled almost entirely back and rammed your cock roughly into him, almost seeing stars in his vision.

The roughness in which you handled him, the perfect angle of your hips allowing you to force pleasure out of his body every-time you thrust, the way you push his back down on the mattress to make him arch more into your merciless tactic, leaves Jason absolutely delirious. You didn’t just fuck him good; you fucked him with absolute vigor and violence, occasionally biting strongly on his shoulder to draw blood, showcasing your natural instincts as a serial killer. He feels your big fucking dick throb and gets impossibly bigger inside him each time his blood seeps out the broken skin, and Jason’s head spins at how much it drove arousal in his core.

“Good fuckin’ sex toy,” You grunted, roughly slamming your hips against his and causing a sharp moan to erupt from Jason.

“B-big—! s’too big- fuck!” Jason whines, tears spilling endlessly down his cheeks.

You smirk as you feel your ego skyrocket at being able to reduce a rather muscular man into nothing but a whining, blabbering bitch. “Yeah? I do split you open, don’t I? But you love it since you’re such a fuckin’ slut.”

“oh- aghn! y-yours— hnngh! Your s-slut! No one else’s-!” He chokes out, desperately reaching for you behind him.

“So fuckin’ adorable,” You chuckled and grabbed his hand, pinning it back to the mattress as you hover over him. You seem to fit against each other perfectly well, your large and tall body able to encage him that left Jason’s stomach fluttering. He’s taken a lot liking of the fact you’re bigger than him, considering he’s never been the smaller one when he was with others. It gives him a sense of shelter.

“p-please— pleaseplease- oh! cum— fuck… cum in me again!” Jason blabbered.

You can’t help but comply to his request, fastening your pace and drilling more into him. Incoherent sentences spill from his drooling mouth when he feels your cock pulse within his walls that signified your soon release. There’s a purpose in which you thrust your hips now — more sharp and angled yet a little sloppy, aimed to brush against his prostate and make him feel utterly good.

“Shit… Cummin’, doll.” You grunted right in his ear before shoving him on the mattress by the back of his nape and slamming all the way down on his already gaping hole.

Jason nearly screams, voice cracking, as his orgasm hits like a strong tide of wave at the same time you spilled thick layer of white semen into his fucked out guts. You ride out your orgasm by thrusting slowly a few times as Jason’s body violently shakes from the aftershock. He subconsciously whines in annoyance when some of your previous cum seems to overflow and replaced by your recent one, bucking his hips as if to use your big cock as a plug to keep them all in. His belly felt full from how much you’ve been filling him with your seed yet it still didn’t feel enough. Jason wanted more; he knew you weren’t going full on him yet.

You swiftly turned him around on his back without pulling out and kissed him roughly. Jason mewls into the kiss when the position makes you push more deeper into him, his hands immediately clasping at the back of his thick thighs to pull them up and make it easier for you to fuck.

“My cute little thing,” You murmured against his lips and bit the skin to draw blood, Jason’s hole squeezing down on you from both the pain and pet name. He greedily whimpers your name, holding onto you for life and yearning for more of you despite already receiving what he wants.

It was so fucking adorable and arousing to see him desperate for not just you, but your entire being as well, willing to welcome such darkness with open arms and tearful smile. You weren’t really a desirable person; so many people have thrown themselves at you for your conventionally attractive features and masculine body type that swoons hundreds yet cower away in fear and speak of you in disgrace when shown the demons living inside of you. No one could seem to look past your murderous, cold-blooded psychopathy — some have attempted to, which only resulted in your darkness growing bigger when they break their own promises. You weren’t meant to be loved. Your destiny was written in the stars and the Gods have cursed you with eternity of living in loneliness and madness without cure. You were meant to be feared, a lonely and violent soul that couldn’t be tamed, your sole purpose of existence being a destroyer; nothing more or less.

Jason, however, seems indifferent to your fate.

Instead of running away in disgust and fear at your acts of violence around the city, he was seeking for you. He’s seen what you’ve done, what you could do without feeling remorse, what monsters lie beneath your existence — and still, he graciously opens his heart (and legs) for you. There’s love and desire within his eyes where distaste should be, touch so soft and warm it baptizes your tainted skin. You’re soaked in blood yet Jason takes his time with you to clean them up. Born with thorns yet he willingly prickles his fingers on them.

You’re a danger everywhere you go, but to him, you were home.

It makes your heart clench; he’s broken the Gods curse and it costs him his freedom, because now he’s caught up in your webs. You wouldn’t let him go, like a snake that’s wrapped itself around its prey in a death grip.

Jason wanted to be yours. What better ways to fulfill his wish if not possessing his body, soul, and spirit?

“Sweet dumb thing,” You purred, hips thrusting slow and sensual, unable to forgive parts of his walls that weren’t touched by your cum. “Mine to fuck, ruin, or make love to. That’s right, yeah?”

Jason nods, moaning softly. Your hands now replaced where his were on the back of his thighs, bending him almost in half as you roll your hips to gently brush against every weak spot he has. The sudden shift in rhythm and atmosphere confuses Jason for a bit, his fogged mind unable to comprehend the situation at hand, but the intimacy strikes a further pleasure that was nearly mind-breaking. He’s been reduced to a moaning mess, blood, sweat, tears and cum coating his body.

“p-please,” Jason keened, like it felt agonizing to be loved ever so gently. “I— ah… I want- I want you,” He stuttered out between moans.

“You’re having me, aren’t you?” Replying, you nipped on his neck and sucked, leaving behind a purple bruise.

He nearly cries, shaking his head. A waterfall of tears streamed down his face, and you find yourself captivated by them. It was almost ethereal despite being one of human’s responses to most things imaginable; your victims always shed one or two accompanied by begs of mercy, but all you’ve ever thought of them was amusing. It’s been used as an escaping tactic from you before, which was never successful due to your lack of morality and sympathy towards your target. They were pathetic, but Jason was divine. Tears suited him— not tears of fear, but tears of pleasure and utopia.

Your focus snaps back on reality when Jason suddenly pulled you down by the nape and bit down hard on your shoulder. A pleasured groan leaves your lips at the pain, hips bucking, making him whimper.

“Jason—”

“Please,” He cuts you off and finally murmurs; “Wanna f-feel how… mhm-! how you actually love…”

It strikes something in your core. Despite your perfect skills of hiding your true nature and never being caught, Jason saw it right through you, how you were holding yourself back for his sake. Quite ironic to witness a cold-blooded killer care for someone enough to go soft, even though it looked like you were going rough on him, and it warmed Jason’s heart. But he was a greedy, fucked up human being who wanted all of you. It wouldn’t be enough until he knows he’s taken you fully.

An amused laughter erupts from your chest. Eyes darkening in lust, Jason feels one of your hands wrap around his throat warningly as the other pushed his torso flat down on the mattress. “You… You’ll be the fuckin’ death of me, Todd.”

You pull all the way back before ramming in, making Jason let out a loud, choked up moan as his eyes rolled back into his head. Your thrusts relentless and powerful, slamming against Jason’s body with an intensity that made his head spin, your hand holding his throat as a leverage. Your name spills from his lips like a prayer, something that seems to ignite a possessive feeling within you. Jason can’t help but mewl when your grip tightened on his arteries, throwing his head back to let you gain fully control.

The way he’s so obedient and putty in your hands despite knowing you can kill him if you truly meant to makes you love him even more, fucking him and taking away his ability to breathe wasn’t enough. Greediness turning overboard with the darkness and psychopathy that lies within your existence; you almost wanted to cut him open and crawl inside his guts so you could truly claim Jason, inside and out. You wanted to be more closer to him, see how far you can go without Jason pushing you away or getting disturbed.

Jason’s eyes widened when a cold metallic silver touched his cheek, seeing you holding your signature knife through blurred vision from his tears. However, he doesn’t flinch away like you expected him to, instead his walls squeezes down on your cock and his own twitched against his stomach. The unexpected reaction pulls a loud groan out of you, your hips bucking.

“Shit, Jay… You lettin’ me kill you or somethin’? Good fucking cunt just tightened on me,” You rasped, thrusting your cock against his prostate.

Jason gasps, his hands grabbing the mattress and holding it in a tight grip. It’s so shameful how turned on he was at the danger that lurked around you, his usually sharp instincts relinquished to be replaced by naiveté and stupidity for love. He must’ve gone insane; getting killed was one of his triggers because of his past yet his soul yielded nothing in retaliation to the possibility of your blade slicing through him. All of him seems to have come to love and trust you too much just because you’ve decapitated the beast his entire existence feared, which a part of him found utterly ridiculous and idiotic, but not enough to stop.

He wouldn’t stop himself from loving you — not when you’ve given him the love he always yearned for.

You lean in and ghost your lips over his as you dragged the knife on his torso, lightly scraping him. Jason’s breath quickens, his pupils blown wide in lust and need, anticipation seemingly running through his body as his moans turned into desperate whines.

“p-please…!” He chokes out a whisper, rolling his head to the side and whimpering when you snapped your hips warningly on his. “feels— fuck! feels g-good—! c-carve me… hngh! carve me u-up-! shit… make me fuckin’ bleed…! please,” Jason nearly cries for you.

Groaning out a curse, you reflexively bite down hard on the crook of his neck and push more of your cock inside him, causing a loud keen to erupt from Jason as he squirms and cums on his own stomach at the addictive sense of pleasure and pain shooting through his body.

You licked the blood that seeped out from his skin, satisfied at the clear bite mark you’ve left visible before sensually grinding your hips. Jason whimpered quietly, his body still trembling from the aftershocks of his orgasm.

“That’s it, doll. Let go, feel good. m’not gonna hurt ya, sweetheart. It’ll all feel good,” Whispering sweet words, you slowly press the tip of the knife just above the v line of his hip and drag it down. Jason hissed at the prickle of pain and tensed up, but the pleasure of your cock stimulating his sensitive walls was too great that forced him to relax. “It’s alright, doll. Jus’ carving you up with my name, so you’ll be mine forever. Isn’t that what you want? Be fuckin’ mine?”

Jason moaned softly, nodding his head. Series of pleasepleaseplease blabber out of him accompanied by heavenly noises he’s been making since you started taking him apart, his brain too fucked out that forcibly twisted pain into pleasure as all he could think about was becoming yours. You, his savior, his God, claiming him by marking him up with your name. Jason feels like he could fucking squirt from just that thought alone.

His blood seeping out from the letters of your name arouses you to no end, your cock throbbing inside him while you continue to move, the darkness within you being thoroughly fed of its bloodthirsty hunger. This is the first time it doesn’t gnaw at your skin to drive your knife deeper, pull the guts out, and splatter redness everywhere; instead, it wanted to be gentle, as if Jason was a significant existence too precious to hurt even for the Devil. A proof that Jason was always meant to be yours, the only one who the monster inside you would rather love than kill.

Carving the last letter, you laughed breathlessly in satisfaction and stabbed the knife on the headboard before slamming your lips against his, devouring his pleasurable noises. Jason whines, arms wrapping around your neck to pull you impossibly closer, arching his back when you switched into a much faster and rougher pace.

“Cummin’, fuck!” You grunted, to which Jason wrapped his legs around your hips to make sure it stays in.

“I-in— in me… fuck- oh my god— please… please, cum in me. Make me full again, p-please…” He begs, clenching his walls around you to push you over the edge, his own orgasm nearing.

Seeing him covered in his own tears, sweat, blood and drool fills you with nothing but pure ecstasy knowing it’s all because of you. The most appealing, ravishing man being a slutty mess right beneath you, begging to be bred and full of your cum, does feed too much into your ego. No one can do anything to take you away from him now, because you’re wrapped around his fingers as much as he is around yours.

“Anythin’ for ya, doll.” You chuckled, thrusting a couple more times before shoving your twitching cock deep into his guts with a moan and releasing your load. Jason mewls, his hole throbbing and squeezing down on you as he throws his head back, tainting his abdomen once more.

Riding out both of your highs, you let out a raspy groan and kissed his lips again, Jason weakly reciprocating due to the overstimulation. His body trembled hard, mind almost shutting down from the exhaustion and too much euphoria. “So good, doll. Took me like a good fuckin’ boy. Fuckin’ amazing.” You praised.

Jason could still see darkness in your eyes, the murderous devil, but there’s a hint of happiness he didn’t recognize before. Love and adoration filled your expression despite the violence engraved in your soul, and Jason finds himself smiling against your lips lightheadedly.

He whispers your name like a forbidden secret, then a curse that completely binds you to him; “I love you.”

You could get used to this, you suppose. There’s nothing more poetic than violence meeting love — two opposites can’t coexist with each other, but perhaps it’ll be forced to. After all, the Devil in you decided he was an untouchable divinity no one shall ever harm, not even yourself, despite its never-ending monstrosity towards humanity.

“I love you too, my Jason.”

When Joker’s decapitated head on a makeshift spear turned up that night, stacked upright in front of Arkham Asylum with blood splattered across the ground in words ‘True Justice for the Tortured Souls’ and a bloody ghostface mask laid aside for everyone else to see, Jason knew he was now in safe hands.

People say, never make a deal with the devil.

They never said he couldn’t love one, did they?

© all rights reserved to hadesrise. stealing, plagiarizing, or using my works for monetary gain is strictly prohibited. ask permission before reposting or translating.

[missvelvetsstuff]

The Situation Room

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After a mission almost gone wrong, Tony brings back Bucky's former assistant, who is also Bucky's ex. Can they work together without hurting each other? Will the whole truth about their break up finally come out?

Avengers AU where Thanos never happened.

Chapter 9

Warnings: swearing, angst

Radar tossed and turned all night, the session with Raynor had brought back so many memories that she had worked for years to bury.

Even Bucky didn't know many of the details of her past, just the major plot points.

She still believed deep down that she bore some responsibility for all of her troubles. That she could have done something different, or not done something, to have a better outcome.

Bucky didn't know that either and Dr Raynor had only reinforced that belief, making her feel like she was weak and a coward for leaving when things went bad.

At 3am she gave up and took a shower before going to the kitchen for something warm to drink, hoping it would help her relax. Of course, Bucky was already there.

Without a word he poured some of the cocoa he made into a mug for her, topping it off with some whipped cream.

Once she sat down and took a sip, he broke the silence "Are you ok, doll?"

Radar looked at him sadly, shrugging as she nodded "Sure. I'm still here, sometimes that's the best I can do."

Bucky nodded in understanding "Nightmares?"

"Yeah, your shrink is kind of a bitch and brought back a lot of memories I've tried to force down."

"I'm sorry, doll. She's got some tough love act that seems to make things worse before they get better. I shouldn't have asked you to come with me so soon."

Radar shook her head "It's not entirely on her, I have a lot of baggage. Most that you don't even know about."

She sighed "I don't know, it's stuff I've never told anyone else about but maybe that's part of my problem."

He nodded, "I understand, I'm not good at sharing my shit either, don't want to be a burden. But I'm here and I'll listen, anytime you need me. I know I fucked up taking John and Sharon's word about what I thought happened and I won't let that happen again."

She gave him a small smile "Yeah? I guess that's a start."

Then proceeded to fill in all the blanks that he didn't know about her past.

***Flashback***

Her father died in a terrible car accident when she was 7, or so they said. When she got older she realized there was something off about the whole situation, they said his brakes failed but he'd just had his car serviced.

It didn't take long for her mother to finish mourning him and find someone new. Not even a month.

Her half brother, Christopher, was born less than 6 months later. Y/N didn't understand the implications of the details until she was older.

The abuse from her stepfather, Rick, was just as much emotional as it was physical. Until she was 14 and it all came to a head.

It was a Friday night, her mother having a girls night out with her drinking buddies. Rick was working, he was a bartender at the local police watering hole. Her little brother, Christopher- 4 years old, was asleep in his room.

Y/N had a friend sleeping over, Diana, and they were hanging out, listening to music and talking about the boys they liked, Dave and his friend Will. When there was a knock at the front door, Y/N looked thru the peephole and saw the boys in question, making her giggle. She looked over at Diana, nodding with a grin on her face before opening the door.

The boys entered the house, hugging both girls.

"I'm not supposed to have boys over when my mom isn't home but you guys can hang out for a little bit."

They talked and Y/N danced with Dave while Diana and Will chatted on the couch. Dave leaned in to kiss Y/N when the front door slammed open, making her jump. It was Rick, spoiling things like he always did.

Rick looked at them and started yelling at Y/N before chasing Will and Dave out of the house.

When he came back inside, he pushed her up against the wall "Just wait, you little bitch. I'll tell your mom about this and you'll be grounded until you graduate."

He then went into a rant, telling her how awful her father was and how she'd be a loser like him.

Y/N was near tears as Rick threw every vile name and insult he could think of, at her "Why can't you just leave me alone, Rick?"

Rick laughed "I'll leave you alone when you get the fuck out of my house."

She shook her head "It's not your house, my dad bought this house!"

He scoffed "Details. I'm the man of this house now and you goddamn well better listen when I gave you an order. Now. Get. Out! Or I'll pick your ass up and throw you out."

She went to her room and filled her duffle bag with her clothes and her favorite items from the bathroom, she didn't have much. A plush Winnie the Pooh that her father had given her when she was little and a few pictures of him were the most precious. Then she drew a crayon stick figure picture of her and her brother with a heart around it and hid it in his favorite toy truck.

Diana's dad was waiting out front for them, having hurried over when his daughter called him.

Y/N spent the night at her friends house and woke up to hear Rick yelling at Diana's dad, Ernie. Ernie let Y/Ns mom inside to talk but stayed outside with Rick. An hour later her mother left with Rick, after telling Y/N that she wasn't welcome in her home anymore.

After that, Diana's parents took her in and took care of her until she finished school. She graduated high school and completed an associates degree online before enlisting at 19.

She hadn't told Bucky the whole story. He knew she had an abusive stepfather and enabler mother and that she enlisted to get away. She had told him bits and pieces of her childhood but said they had all died in the crash that killed her little brother, Christopher.

Her mother and Rick were still alive, still together to this day. His drinking and cheating were all out in the open because after he had served almost 10 years for DUI manslaughter in Christopher's death and her mother had been waiting for him he knew she would stay no matter what he did. Besides she had a decent job and it was hard for an ex-con to find work. He stayed home drinking and watching TV except when he was out drinking and taking random women to cheap motels. Often returning home reeking of alcohol and other women but his wife said nothing.

Radar's friends back home always gave her the local gossip and her parents were always one of the top 10 subjects.

Her dreams had been full of her little brother and the accident that killed him.

Her mother had been holding Christopher in her lap in the front seat, no car seat, and the airbag broke his neck, killing him instantly. Somehow her mother and stepfather had survived barely harmed but she only hated them more. There had been charges filed and her mother spent a short time in jail but nowhere near what Radar thought she deserved. The jury fell for her crocodile tears, even though Rick went down for it.

It would have been bad enough if the trauma ended there but she often felt like it followed her around, her own black cloud.

Y/N hadn't told Bucky all of the cruel and humiliating things John had done that lead to her leaving the Army. Drugging her wasn't a new thing for John when he helped destroy her relationship with Bucky, except it had been worse.

When they were together, he would drug her, then take advantage of her and let his friends have a turn. She didn't know until she found the pictures, that were so much worse than what Sharon showed Bucky.

John insisted that if she loved him, she would do whatever it took to make him happy.

Their C.O. had waved it all off as normal couple issues that were being exaggerated by a hysterical woman.

Then Radar had been passed over for a promotion that was promised and past due, and another, making her realize that making a complaint about her unit's golden boy had put a target on her back.

After they broke up, she received orders for her new assignment in the Arizona desert and had enough. As soon as she moved there, she spoke to the C.O. about resigning when her current enlistment term ended in 18 months. Her new C.O. was a woman and understood, regretfully accepting her letter of resignation and writing a recommendation for the CIA.

The CIA had been great for her, feeling like she was still serving the people and being useful, until her back injury. She wasn't made for desk duty and hadn't intended for her friendship to become romantic but the thrill of keeping an affair with her supervisor secret gave a similar rush to putting herself in danger in the field. Until they were discovered.

Of course her supervisor was given the opportunity to keep her job and title but Radar, being lower in the pecking order was let go.

Looking back she knew she was lucky that her service record kept them from blackballing her completely and she was recruited by Nick Fury to help rebuild SHIELD into SWORD.

***END Flashback***

Radar was exhausted after spilling the details of her past but she felt somehow lighter for having shared that burden.

Bucky held her as she cried, rubbing her back and murmuring softly into her hair "its ok, doll. I've gotchu. I'm right here."

He pushed down the rage inside him, wishing Steve hadn't pulled him away from Walker. He didn't want Rader to feel it and put it aside to deal with later.

When her crying calmed, Radar looked up at Bucky with red eyes "You see? Raynor is right. I'm a coward who runs away when things get rough."

Bucky shook his head "No! That's not true. You tried to fix things, make them better and when it didn't work you were brave enough to walk away and start over. Sounds like real courage to me."

They talked for a short while longer until Radar fell asleep against his shoulder. He tried not to chuckle when he heard her soft snores and stretched his legs out before falling asleep himself.

@unaxv @calwitch @buckitostan @cjand10 . @vicmc624 @sandrab02

Chapter 10

[daydreamgoddess14]

Support System pt. 6

MASTERLIST

CH1 | CH 2 | CH 3 | CH 4 | CH 5

Roy Kent x Reader

Are you ready? Cos we get really very spicy now my friends so.... be warned. Also, good god I think I'm in love with Roy Kent.

Chapter 6

She pushes the phone into your hand so you have no choice but to bring it to your ear, you still watch Roy who's moved to the otherside of the room. Your heart is still pounding and you feel like you've been given an electric shock. 

"Yeah?" You ask into the phone. 

"Can we talk?"

"Umm, we've just got back from the beach. I'll get Lexie settled and call you back?" You hang up without waiting for any real response.

"I'd better go." He says. 

"Thanks for a cool day Roy! Thanks for winning my unicorn teddy and the ice creams and for letting me go on your shoulders and… and… everything!" Lexie says jumping from foot to foot. 

"Thank you for the best day Lex. We should go again in the summer."

"Yeaaaaaah! Can we mum?"

"Of course we can bunny. Let's get you ready for bed, huh?" She zooms into the living room to gather up the new toys for her room while you see Roy to the door. "I'll see you soon?" You sound unsure, you've no idea where his head is at after the kiss. No idea where your own head is, really. You still feel a little dizzy from it and the coil in your belly is wound even tighter. 

"Yeah, see you soon." His eye catches the sunburn on your shoulders, now joined by beard burn and a little bite mark. He brushes it lightly with his finger and you can't help but lean into him. "Should have put some more cream on." He says quietly before closing the door behind him. You're left in the hallway in a weird limbo of being disappointed that he left and unbelievably turned on. It wasn’t fair, you should be on cloud 9. Instead, you head upstairs and concentrate on real life. You get Lexie into the bath and bed before doing the same yourself. You reluctantly pick up your phone to call Andy back, seeing that Sara has sent some pictures from the day with plenty of sunshine, ice cream and beer emojis on a group message to both you and Roy. There’s the kids playing in the sand, you and the girls looking at the shells you’d collected, one of you pointing and laughing at something out of focus - head thrown back, sunkissed and happy. In the picture, Roy is next to you but he’s not looking at whatever it is that’s got your attention, he’s looking at you. There are others - really great photos, a selfie of the three of you and then one of the five of you. They make your heart flutter. You respond with a heart emoji, not quite able to put into words just how much they all mean to you - and that’s without confronting your growing feelings for Roy. The photos were exactly what you needed for your next task. You press Andy’s contact picture and let it ring.

“Thanks for calling back.” You’re surprised, it’s the most civilised he's been for months. 

“Sorry it took a while. We both needed to get half a beach off us.”

“Did you have a good day? Did you go alone?”

“We went with one of Lexie’s friends from school. It was a lovely day.”

“She said you’re changing jobs.” 

“Yeah, handed my notice in last week. I’ve got about 6 weeks left.”

“You… don’t need to do that you know. Maybe we could work something out?”

“What do you mean?”

“I miss you.”

“Are you pissed?”

“No! Why?”

“You’ve been an absolute fucking nightmare for months - you’ve punished me and belittled me and shamed me for having a better job than you and what? Now I’m giving it up, you think we can get back together? Are you for real right now?” You’re trying to keep your voice down but you don’t think you’ve felt a rage like this in your life. Not even when you were both fighting constantly. 

“I just thought it would be good for Lexie, mum and dad together, making it work?” He mumbled.

“What’s good for Lexie is a happy family life - even if that’s separately. Making it work? Making both of us miserable more like.”

“I wasn’t miserable with you.”

“You had an odd way of showing it Andy. You’ve barely laid a finger on me for years, you criticise everything I do. I’m sorry, I can’t make Lexie happy by destroying myself in the process. I deserve to be really, really loved and you can’t do that. What’s this really about?” You’ve stripped away his arguments, Lexie being his trump card, he has no comeback.

“Lexie keeps talking about your new friends. I just thought… is there anything I can do to change-”

“No Andy, you’ll never change my mind on this. I wish I’d been brave enough to leave you rather than wait for you to leave me to be honest. We won’t talk about this again. Goodnight.” Absolute wanker! You hang up and grab a pillow to scream into. Jealousy, of course. You’d seen it briefly when you’d gone to his flat to pick Lexie up when she’d been poorly but because you’d seen him so rarely recently it hadn’t really registered. You could laugh, it’s only taken him the best part of 8 years for him to actually feel anything for you. 

The next couple of days are a blur of Easter holiday club for Lexie and work for you. There’s still no luck on the job front which makes you nervous, and Andy’s done you the decency of not calling you again. You’d naively hoped that he’d woken the next morning with a hangover and had been appalled at his own behaviour, but you also didn’t really care. Sara had taken to using the group message she’d sent the photos on for childcare planning - it made sense but it also meant that you didn’t have any other excuse for solely messaging Roy. When you finally unpacked the bags of junk from the beach day, you found his book rather than yours in the bag. You were picking the girls up that afternoon and taking Phoebe straight to her nans where Sara would pick her up. They came out of school with paint up their arms and in their hair from the craft activities laid on for them. You were looking forward to seeing Roy’s mum again and she welcomed you as she had before, with a huge hug. She was over the moon to finally meet Lexie who took to her immediately. When Sara arrived back from work a little while later, the girls helped her shake off her tiredness with a dance party (Taylor Swift of course) so the five of you - including Roy’s mum - were dancing around with music blasting, singing at the top of your lungs.

“Standing by and waiting at your back door, all this time, how could you not know, baby? You belong with me, you belong with me!” Until Phoebe screeched,

“Uncle Royyyy! I haven’t seen you for ages!”

“You saw me like two days ago you little weirdo.” He said surveying the chaos ahead of him. “Having fun?”

“It’s a dance party! Sara was sleepy so we needed to wake her up.” Lexie told him.

“Sara’s still sleepy but thanks for trying, guys.” She laughs.

“Come on Lexie-loo. Time for us to go.”

“But muuum!”

“No buts, we need to get you ready for dad’s tomorrow.” The two girls looked sombre that they’d be separated for a few days, but Sara grins at you over their heads,

“Freedom!” You get bags and shoes and say goodbye to Roy’s mum. You stop suddenly in the hall, not realising Roy was right behind you and making him bump into you. He puts a hand to your waist so he doesn’t push you over but it brings you flush to his chest. With his hand on your stomach, you know he had to feel the shuddering breath that leaves your body. You reach into your bag and turn to him, “nearly forgot, I ended up with your book.” 

“Keep it, I’d finished it. Did you finish yours?”

“Yeah, keep it. I promised it to you.” He watches you with dark eyes. You know nothing is going to happen, of course it’s not - there’s a house full of people, Lexie is behind you by the front door putting her trainers on. He nods once and puts a single kiss to your forehead.

“See you soon.”

“Bye,” you look over his shoulder intending to shout goodbye to Sara and her mum but Sara’s in the doorway, eyebrows raised and wide eyed.

“Bye babe, I’ll text you later.” She says casually with a look which is far from casual.

You have the following day off for a couple of interviews so you’ve arranged to pick Lexie up from holiday club and take her round to Andy’s yourself. You don’t really want to have to see him, but the plans were made before his pleas to try again. 

“Here’s your bag, bunny, your coat is inside. Be good, I’ll see you in a few days, ok?” You give her a big hug and kiss and she goes straight into the flat. Andy hovers by the door.

“You look good.”

“Thanks, I’ve had a couple of interviews.”

“Any good?”

“Not sure yet, we’ll see.”

“Ok well… good luck.” You nod, ready to escape but you can see he’s itching to say something else. “I just wanted to say sorry about the other night.”

“It’s ok, forgotten already.”

“Oh, cos I just wanted to check that you’re sure?” You shake your head with a little laugh,

“Yes, Andy. I’m sure. Please, don’t ask again. It’s not going to happen.”

“Right, right. Ok. Have a good week then.”

“Yeah, you too.” You leave his flat feeling lighter. You go back to your car leaving him behind, the clocks have changed so the evenings are light. Your drive takes you past the football club and down Roy’s street. His gate is open and the car is just inside. You turn in before you have a chance to chicken out. You ring the bell and wait. The double take as he answers the door means he didn’t see it was you on the doorbell camera,

“It’s you.” He states,

“Yeah, I was just passing. Is this a bad time, I can go?” You make to leave but he’s quick to stop you.

“No, no, of course it’s fine, come in. I was just cooking. Jesus, you look fucking gorgeous.” You leave your bag by the door and step out of your heels.

“Thank you. I’ve been interviewing today.”

“How did it go, what were the roles?”

“Still Deputy Comms Director. I’m not sure, it’s so hard to say. It’s been ages since I interviewed anywhere.”

“Did they give you any feedback?” Already your conversation with Roy is a complete contrast to Andy’s indifference. You have his undivided attention, he’s curious and interested.

“Not really. I think it’s just a waiting game. It’s so annoying, I only have about 5 weeks left. I’m worried that I was wrong to just resign with nothing to go to next.”

“Bold, not necessarily wrong.” He offers, pouring you a glass of wine.

“I think you’re being too kind there.” You laugh,

“Bollocks. If forced retirement has taught me anything, it’s that you have to accept what’s right for you. Sometimes that means it feels like you’re doing the wrong thing until it becomes the right thing.” You mull on his words while he cooks. The speaker is on quietly in the background while you drink your wine. It feels comfortable.

“Do you regret retiring?”

“Fuck no. My knee thanks me every day for it. I didn’t dare let myself think I’d actually enjoy coaching - I tried to make out like I’d hate it.”

“It felt like the wrong thing to do until it didn’t?”

“Exactly. You’ve got to trust yourself.” He puts a plate of pasta in front of you.

“Oh, thank you.”

“Don’t turn up at my house at dinner time and not expect to get fed.” He takes the seat next to you. 

“Tell me about the club. I’ve heard the rumours that Coach Lasso is leaving?”

“Doesn’t know what he fucking wants. He’s in love with the boss.”

“Really?! Does she know?”

“Nah, they’re both being idiots about it. Neither of them will say anything so he thinks the answer is to leave.”

“And it’s not?”

“No, he should tell her. Shouldn’t he?”

“Course he should. What happens if he leaves?”

“Not a clue. Guess I’ll find out if he ever makes a decision.”

“Not long to decide though. Maybe you should give him your ‘being bold’ pep talk.” You continue your meal together and help clean up afterwards. You didn’t have a reason for visiting in the first place, so you certainly didn’t have one to stick around, but he poured another glass of wine anyway. He seemed to be holding back from you a little, engaging in conversation about work and families but he didn’t once acknowledge the evening you’d returned from Brighton. You cleared your throat, “I had to see Andy today when I dropped Lexie off.”

“Oh yeah?” His frown deepened and unlike with Andy, you saw it immediately - jealousy. 

“Hmm. He, uhh, reckons we should try again.”

“Oh.” He picks at the label on his beer bottle. “Bet Lexie’s happy?”

“She doesn’t know.”

“How come?”

“Well I didn’t think it was a wise idea to tell my 8 year old that I told her dad to fuck off… so, there’s that.” He looked up sharply,

“You told him to fuck off?”

“Not in so many words. But I made it very clear that he should never ask me again.”

“Good. It’s probably not good for you - or Lexie - to keep dragging shit like that out and-”

“Roy?”

“Yeah?” You leaned up from your stool at the kitchen island and kissed him lightly. When you moved away, you watched him carefully, 

“If I’ve got this wrong again, I-” He stepped up to your knees, your tight skirt preventing him from getting much closer, and pulled you to him, kissing you so softly. It was entirely different to the first time he’d kissed you and yet felt just as desperate and wanting. He pulls your blouse out from the waistband of your skirt and leans back just enough to ask the silent question, are you sure? You’re not drunk, there are no kids to interrupt, no phones ringing… you know you’re sure, but you have to know that he is too. He anticipates what you’re about to ask,

“Course I’m fucking sure. You’re not wrong. You weren’t wrong last time. You were drunk, I didn’t want you to think I was taking advantage of you.”

“And now?”

“I’d really like to take advantage of you, that ok?” He says with a chuckle.

“Yes, definitely yes.” You laugh, relieved. He kisses you again and though you know you have all the time in the world, you don’t want to waste a single second. 

“Fucking gorgeous.” He whispers against your neck, “borderline obscene, actually.” You laugh at his stolen compliment. His deft fingers pull your top up and off and you’re thankful you wore one of your really, really good bras for good luck for your interviews. You both decide at the same time that the other is just not close enough, your damn skirt in the way. He takes your hand to help you down from the stool and circles your waist, “this looks amazing, but it’s in the way.” You guide his hand to the zip at the side while you step up onto your tiptoes to pull his training t-shirt off. The skirt pools at your feet and his hands cover you, trying to explore everything all at once. “Up.” He taps your hip,

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck off.” He laughs, lifting you anyway. He doesn’t take you far, only to the sofa where he drops down with you still in his lap. You sit up on your knees so you can take your weight off his bad knee but he grips your hips, puts you back down and sides you further into his lap. You can feel him hard against you and it’s never been like this before, you’ve never been with someone who has made their need for you so obvious, never made you feel so wanted before. This thought alone helps banish your insecurities to the very back of your mind. He kisses a hot, wet path down your neck to the tops of your breasts, your sunburn faded to golden, but the freckles remain. The sensation of his beard against your skin makes you moan and you can’t help but roll your hips into him. He grips you tighter, holding you against him. You reach down between your bodies to pull at the waistband of his shorts. He takes the hint and lifts you both slightly so he can get rid of them. With the shorts out of the way, he can feel the heat and dampness of you against him, “Fuck me-” he breathes, hands tracing up your back to the clasp of your bra.

“Yes, please, yes.” Your hands are in his hair and you pull him back to your mouth for another searing kiss. You have to let go while he takes the straps of your bra down your arms but you press back up against him as soon as you can, the hair on his chest rough against your skin. You grind your hips down again, desperate to feel him against you. His hand goes between you both and he stops to check in again before touching you. You cup his cheek and nod, a shy smile. His fingers find your centre and brush against you. You breathe his name and your eyes flutter shut. Two fingers slide inside you and you think that’s already enough to send you over the edge. You rock against his hand, your forehead against his.

“Open your eyes,” he rasps, “I want to see you.” The second you open your eyes, he presses his thumb to your clit and you cry out. He doesn’t let up, working you through your orgasm until you're choking back a sob. You catch your breath for a moment, but the need for him is overwhelming.

“Need you now, have you got-”

“I’m clean, constant fucking medicals. You?” You nod and he slips your underwear to one side. You lift up to line him up against you and slide down onto him slowly. The stretch is exquisite, too much and yet absolutely perfect all at the same time. You take him fully and pause for a second to revel in the feeling of having him inside you. He kisses you softly, “you feel incredible. God, you’re so beautiful.” He takes your hips while you set the pace but it doesn’t take long for either of you to reach the edge. You come again with his name on your lips and he’s right there with you, bruising your hips with his grip. You slump against his shoulder, nose against his neck.

“Holy shit,” you manage eventually, feeling him laugh against you.

“Yeah, you’re not fucking wrong.” He pulls a blanket from the back of the sofa and wraps it over you as you slip off his lap to sit next to him. Neither of you says anything, his hands run up and down your calves as you sit with your legs in his lap. He reaches over to tuck your hair behind your ear, “will you stay?”

“If that’s ok?” He gets up and takes your hand, pulling you with him.

“Come on, shower and bed. I’ve got training with Jamie at 4am.”

You wake up briefly to a kiss on the back of your neck.

“Back in a bit, go back to sleep.” He whispers, kissing your earlobe. You sigh happily and snuggle down into the bed, pulling his pillow with you. You hadn’t gotten much sleep, waking every so often to soft caresses and kisses. Your body ached in a way you’d never felt before. You slip back into sleep again, waking a couple of hours later to a cup of tea and warm arms around you.

“How was training?” You ask, voice still full of sleep.

“Painful.” He laughed. You sit up to drink your tea, sitting in between his legs, his back against the headboard and yours against his chest. “Can I ask you something?” He murmurs, a hand drifting over your thigh, you let out a needy moan, it’s almost absurd how he can make you want him so badly. “Remember I had that suit fitting? There’s a gala for work next week. Will you come with me?” You turn to put your tea down and then kiss him.

“I’d love to. Thank you.” You smile.

“I’ve got an hour. What time do you have to go?”

“Same.”

“Good.” He smirks, pulling you back down to him.

[crazyunsexycool]

The sun ☀️, the moon 🌙, and the stars ✨

Chapter 10: fun is in the air

Pairing: alpha!Steve Rogers x alpha!Sam Wilson x alpha!Bucky Barnes x Omega!Reader

Word count: 5.9k

Warnings: fluff, some heavy petting (at this point the alphas are edging reader), talk of birth control

A/N: we’ll this took for fucking ever to finish. But it was fun to write we are celebrating Steve’s birthday in this chapter. Next chapter will be very interesting!

Series masterlist

Ch. 9

“And this will work?”

“Well like any birth control it’s 99.9% effective. But it’s specifically made for you so you have a better chance to not have any super pups in the next six months.” Bruce says as he prepares the shot he’s going to give you. “Have you told them yet?”

You shake your head. “But with everything that’s happened I know they’ll understand. Besides, we haven't even talked about having pups either.”

Bruce hums in acknowledgment before taking an alcohol swab and cleaning the area of your arm where he’s going to give you the shot.

“So how about you and Nat. How’s that going?”

Bruce immediately blushes and you giggle.

“I thought you turned green, not red.”

“How did you know?”

“She told me about it.”

“She did?” He looked like he didn’t believe you.

“Mhm, I’ve gathered she isn’t the type to just open up to people so it must mean she cares about you. ”

“I don’t- It’s not easy. It wouldn’t be like you and the guys.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m a monster.” Bruce gets the syringe ready and sighs.

“You don’t look like a monster.”

“You know what I mean. I can’t risk it.”

“Does the other guy like Nat? If he does, I don't see a problem with the courtship. Also she’s pursuing you so she doesn’t seem to mind.” You say as he gives you the shot.

“That should be good for three months since this is a trial run. If it works I can make it last longer.”

“Thank you Bruce. And just think about what I said.”

“You’re welcome and I will.”

Walking back into the apartment you find Bucky laying on the couch reading. Other than when he’s asleep and not having nightmares he looks very peaceful at the moment. There’s no scowl on his face which is a rare occurrence. Without saying a word you climb onto the couch and duck under his arm in order to get comfortable.

“Hi.” He says as he looks down at you. “What’s going on?”

“Hi. Nothing, you just looked very comfortable and I wanted to join you.”

Bucky hums in acknowledgment, his free hand resting on your waist as he goes back to reading. You rest your head on his chest as he reads softly to you. This must be what Jules always told you about. The moments when you’re so at ease and safe with your mate that everything else just fades. He isn’t even doing anything and your brain is fuzzy, your body completely relaxing against his. It’s just you and Bucky in a perfect little bubble that could only be even better if Sam and Steve were there.

There’s a warm feeling on your back slowly coaxing you to wake up. You stretch and open your eyes briefly but the afternoon light bothers your eyes.

“Seems like we have two sleepy heads on our hands Steve.” Sam whispers and that causes you to open your eyes again.

“Just one.” You murmur.

Sure enough Bucky was also asleep. The book he was reading was long forgotten on the floor. You smile up at Sam who moves to kiss your temple.

“Seems like a good nap.”

“It was until you ruined it.” Bucky says sleepily.

You smile and kiss Bucky’s chest before getting up. Steve offers you his hand and when you’re up on your feet he pulls you into his embrace.

“You don’t have to work anymore right?”

“Nope, not unless a mission comes up at the last minute.” Steve informs you.

“I hope not, it’s your birthday weekend.”

“Unfortunately bad guys don’t take days off.” He mutters as he absentmindedly runs a hand up and down your back. “But let’s not worry about that, what do you want to do?”

“We should be doing what you want.”

“I want to do whatever will make you happy. So what will it be?”

“We can stay in and watch a movie.”

“I like that idea.” Bucky agrees.

“Me too.”

“Ok, movie it is.” Steve says.

“Awesome, I’m going to get blankets and pillows. I'll be right back. Someone should get snacks ready.” You walk out of the living room before anyone answers.

You come back a few minutes later with arms full of blankets. Steve moves the coffee table to the corner and you proceed to make a temporary nest big enough for the four of you. Bucky walks in with snacks and Sam picks a movie from the list he had made for Steve and Bucky to watch. Steve sat down first and you sat between his legs in order to rest your back against his chest. Sam and Bucky sat beside you while cuddling into each other. Watching them be so gentle with each other warmed your heart and being together as a whole and in such an intimate way relaxed you beyond belief. So much so that an overwhelming feeling hit you square in the chest unlike anything you’ve ever felt before. It was a mixture of love, contentment, trust and safety. The feeling bubbles in your chest and without being able to stop it something unfamiliar escapes your lips.

You chirped.

All the noise around you died down and you slapped a hand over your mouth. As if covering it would save you from embarrassment. All three men were staring at you wide eyed.

“I am so sorry. I don’t even know how that happened.” Your face felt warm the longer they stared at you. Sam smiled first and it put you at ease somewhat.

“That’s the first time you’ve chirped around us.”

“Is that what that is? But what does it even mean?” You question.

“It lets us know you feel safe and happy.”

“But I could just tell you that.”

“Well your omega instincts did it for you.” Steve said from behind you. “If an omega chirps or trills it lets us alphas know we are doing our job right.”

“You are.”

You smiled at them. Bucky sat up from his position at Sam’s side. Leaning in to kiss you. Sam followed and Steve had his arms wrapped around you. His kisses were on your shoulder until you turned and looked up at him. He kissed your cheek as the movie started and then the four of you settled down for the rest of the afternoon.

It was the Fourth of July and Steve’s Birthday. You were excited for many reasons. This would be your first time meeting the rest of their pack and also the first time you would attend a Stark party. Your pack would also be in attendance which was great for moral support because just the thought of meeting everyone was overwhelming.

The party itself was a pool party and it would be on different levels of the tower. The guys had told you that they would be spending most of the day in the pool. With that in mind you had bought a swimsuit a few days beforehand. It had a vintage look to it. Over the swimsuit you decided to wear jean shorts and a white button up that you tied in a knot around your waist instead of buttoning up completely. Your hair was up and away from your face and of course you didn’t wear any makeup since you’d be in the pool too.

When you got to the shared living space Bucky and Sam were putting the finishing touches on breakfast for all of you. They were also already dressed for the party.

“You should have gotten me, I would have helped.” You said as you got closer. Each of them stopping to accept your kiss.

“You are helping, by looking beautiful.”

You roll your eyes playfully at Sam just as Steve walks in. His hair was damp, like he just stepped out of the shower.

“Happy birthday.” The three of you yelled at the same time and Steve went red.

“Thank you. This looks amazing.”

“Well this was all Bucky and Sam, I can’t take any credit for it.” You wrap your arms around his midsection and push yourself up to kiss him. “Happy birthday honey.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up as Sam came up from behind you and Bucky’s head popped up from behind Steve. Both men take turns giving Steve their own birthday kisses. Somehow Steve was a blushing mess after getting all of the attention.

“What?” He says as he looks over at you.

“Nothing, you're just cute when you blush.”

“You should see him when he cu- ouch. Sam what the fuck?” Bucky rubs his shin from where Sam kicked him.

“Our omega is a lady, she doesn’t need to hear filth.”

“Just participate in it.” You wiggle your eyebrows at Bucky who’s sitting across from you. Bucky laughed. “Besides Sam, it's not like we weren’t getting hot and heavy in your car on our date the other day.”

“Oh really? I want to hear about that.”

“Me too.” Steve chimes in.

“It was after we went to the music festival. Sam took me home and we started making out in the car.”

“But someone forgot she was in the car and her ass hit the horn.” Sam smirked in your direction while Bucky laughed.

“Seems like you just like to pounce on all of us.”

“Wait, you haven’t pounced on me.” Bucky pouts. “I don’t like being left out, darling.”

“Don’t worry, your turn is coming.” You wink in his direction before taking a sip of coffee. “I just hope all this avenger training has prepared you for this moment. But for now can we do gifts?”

“You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“You’re kidding right? Of course I did. I’ll be right back.” You leave briefly and come back with a gift bag and an envelope. “Here you go.”

Steve smiled as he pulled you into his lap and then he opened the envelope, there was a simple birthday card and a small certificate in it. “What’s this?” He asked as he read over the voucher.

“Well I know you like to draw so I thought that you might like to paint and I thought it could be fun for the four of us to go. I know the studio owner, he gives classes at the center for kids. He’s willing to close the studio to give us private lessons if we call ahead and let him know.”

“Thank you sweetheart.” He kissed your cheek before he moved to whisper in your ear. “Maybe I could get the three of you naked and pose for me and I can stop imagining it.” He said with a purr.

The thought alone made you shiver and a small whine escaped your lips. Sam and Bucky smirked at your reaction. Steve however grabbed the gift bag as if nothing had happened and pulled out a few records and a small jewelry box. The records were of some singers and bands he had mentioned in passing, some were more modern but the others were from before the war. You had to go to five different places before you found them.

“I haven’t heard their music since the 30s.” He said as he opened the first one. “Bucky even taught me how to dance to this song.” He pointed at one of the listed songs and you smiled as you pictured a pre-serum and pre-war Steve and Bucky dancing around the living room.

“Well maybe you can teach me some dance moves.”

“I think I can manage that.”

“We can manage that. Don’t forget about us you punk.”

“Hey, it’s my birthday. I get to do whatever I want. So if that means hogging our girl, I will.”

You giggle at their back and forth before you stop them and ask Steve to open the last gift. When he did he found a pendant.

“What’s this?”

“This helps preserve your mate’s scent. I had to wear this little disc,” you say as you pull a small bag from your pocket then grab one of the small tablets and then open the pendant that was made to house the scent infused disc. “For a few days and it’s made for people that have to be gone for long periods of time. I thought you could add them to your dog tags if you’re on long missions. Since your suit disguises your scent I thought it would be ok.” You say as you hold the pendant out for him. He takes off his dog tags and adds the pendant then slips the chain back on.

Steve then grabs the pendant and inhales deeply, sure enough he’s carrying your scent with him now. He cups your cheek in order to turn you to look at him. Then his lips are on yours and he doesn’t stop the kiss until you’re putty in his hands. Just like he is in yours.

“These are perfect, thank you sweetheart.”

“You’re welcome.” You reply breathlessly.

Friday interrupts your quiet morning and informs the four of you that the rest of the team is waiting for you on one of the upper floors. So after cleaning up quickly you make your way up to the party. This was it, you would meet your mates’s pack.

Never in your life had you seen so much red, white and blue. The colors were everywhere. Steve squeezed your hand as you approached the team to keep you grounded. You had told him multiple times how worried you were that they wouldn’t like you. They were practically family. Fortunately you already knew Bruce, Nat and Pietro. The latter rushed up to you.

“Good morning Y/N, I’m glad you finally get to meet the rest of the team.” He greeted you and turned when he felt a hand on his arm. “This is Wanda, my twin sister.”

“Finally another omega.” She said as she hugged you. That was something you always forget, how affectionate omegas tend to be with other omegas. “I was getting tired of the alpha stench.” You both giggle at the protests.

“Hey, I’ll let you know that this stench costs quite a bit per bottle. Hi I’m Tony but you knew that. I’d like to officially welcome you to the tower. You are way hotter in person than what these three have said.”

“Nice to meet you. And thank you for letting me stay here.”

“Let you? I’m willing to sign the building over to you right now. You’ve made working with these three a dream. All I have to do is ask about you and their mood shifts. Especially grumpy over here.”

You smile up at Tony before turning to look back at your alphas. Sam gives a quick shrug and it feels like an admittance of truth.

“Y/N, this is Clint.” Steve motions to the next person in the group. His scent was mixed with something light and sweet but you couldn’t see any type of claim mark.

“Pleasure to finally meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine.” You smile.

The longer you were in their presence the more you realized there was nothing to worry about. You weren’t oblivious about them being cautious around you, seeing if you were truly trustworthy and deserving of being with their friends. But they were still inviting. It helped that Pietro, Nat and Bruce had already met you, it put the others at ease.

“And this is Thor.”

“Lady Y/N,” he takes your hand and places a gentle kiss on your knuckles. His smile is flirtatious, almost like he’s putting on a show for Steve, Sam and Bucky. “It is an honor to finally meet you. I must say words have failed your alphas when it comes to describing your beauty.”

Your brain was fuzzy. All of the attention was becoming overwhelming in the best of ways. Like when Bucky, Steve and Sam give you all of their undivided attention. It’s not your fault that you’re still getting a hang of this omega thing because you want to preen at the attention but you hold back. It doesn’t stop you from saying something ridiculous.

“I love thunderstorms.” There was really no thought process behind the comment.

Thor’s laugh is loud and boisterous, it’s truly like thunder. You couldn’t help but preen at the fact that it was you who made him laugh like that.

“Ok, that’s enough.” Bucky muttered as he pulled you against his chest and away from Thor. The others snickered at his actions as he walked backwards, placing Sam and Steve between you and Thor.

“It was nice meeting you.”

“Trust me, the pleasure was all mine Lady Y/N.”

Friday announces that guests are starting to arrive so the meet and greet is officially over. It went well enough and you couldn’t be happier. However as Steve’s mate you do have to be by his side as people initially come in but so do Sam and Bucky.

“Do you know all of these people?” You ask him after a few minutes.

“Not a single one. But it’ll be over soon enough.”

Just like Steve said you all stood there for only a few more minutes. It was just as your pack made it through the doors. Jules launched herself in your direction and you both immediately began to walk away while talking. You settled down on one of the couches and you introduced her to Wanda and Bruce.

“Uh oh the omegas have gotten together. We are so screwed.” Ricky said as he watched you and Jules animatedly talk with the others.

“Nah, it will be good for the pack.”

“Whose? Yours or ours?” Jonah said as he stepped up beside Steve.

“I don’t think we are two packs anymore. Just one.” Steve said, a fond smile playing on his lips as he watched you. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

****

You were sitting on Steve’s shoulders in the pool, facing Wanda who was sitting on her brother’s shoulder. Your hands were holding Wanda’s as you pushed each other back and forth.

“I don’t get the point of this game.” Wanda said as she tried to push you.

“The point is to knock the other person back into the water. Then you win.”

“Oh.” Is all she says then you see a flicker of red and a mischievous smile before you’re knocked back.

When you resurface you laugh but splash her.

“That’s not fair! I don’t have magic.”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t use it.”

“I am bored and there are some pretty girls over there that keep looking over at me. Goodbye sister.” Pietro shrugs Wanda off of his shoulders and is gone in the blink of an eye.

“Asshole.”

You laugh again and Wanda flicks more of her magic at you.

“I’m going to find someone else and then we’ll have a rematch. I won’t use magic but you’ll still lose.”

“You’re on.”

Steve’s arms are around your waist before you realize what’s happening. He pulls you close and kisses your shoulder. The eyes of other omegas, alphas and even a few betas are on you. They watch the display of affection that the Captain would never have shown before with intrigue.

“Having fun?” He asks as he looks down at you with a smile.

“A lot more fun than I thought actually.”

“Good. As long as you’re happy.”

“You should be happy too. It’s your birthday.”

“I would have been fine with something small. Just the pack maybe. And to be honest I was kind of worried.” He confesses.

“Worried, why?” You stand up and turn around, still in his arms.

“Well public appearances are part of my life and sometimes the PR team wants me to show up with my mates. Once they know that we’re together they’re going to drag you into it too. I wouldn’t want this to make you reconsider us.”

“Steve, I could never leave you. I care about you so much and you make me feel so safe and cared for. No one in my life has cared for me the way you and Bucky and Sam do.”

He smiles again at you and lowers his head so that he could give you a quick kiss on the lips.

“Are you pouncing on him again?” Bucky whines as he swims towards you. “When is it my turn darling?”

“If I told you, you would be expecting it and it wouldn’t be fun. You’ll just have to wait like a good alpha.”

“I don’t want to wait.”

“Is he always this whiny?” You ask Steve.

“Sometimes.”

“I’m right here. Besides, I never had an omega and never thought I would find one as beautiful as you.” Bucky pouts and gives you his best doe eyes. Steve chuckles behind you, knows Bucky’s laying it on thick, their bond is exploding with mischievous energy.

“Nice try, big guy. But I’m going to catch you off guard. You won’t see it coming.”

“You know I’m a super soldier right? I was trained to be aware of people trying to sneak up on me.” Bucky says as he moves to trap you in between himself and Steve. “Do you really think you can do that? Sneak up on me?”

“Yup.”

“You’re very confident. I like that omega.”

“I see you’re underestimating me alpha. I guess I’m going to have to teach you a lesson.” You say before slipping away from their hold. Steve chuckles as he wraps an arm around Bucky’s waist, both of them watching you swim away and then turning to wink in their direction.

“I think you’re going to be in for a surprise Buck.”

“I fucking hope so.”

“Just remember to be gentle and have fun.” Steve kisses his cheek.

“Oh I’m going to have so much fun letting her think she snuck up on me.”

“I think you’re underestimating her.” Steve chuckles again.

******

You were at the bar with Jules just talking and catching up on what’s happened during the week. Jules had been the one to suggest finding Jonah a potential mate here at the party since other than hanging out together as a pack he didn’t really put himself out there. You were leaning against the bar with a drink in your hand and scanning the room when you saw it.

“What is that face for?” Jules asked from beside you. She immediately turned around to see what you were looking at.

“I think I found a potential mate for Jonah.”

“Who?” Jules' eyes darted around the crowd to try and spot who it could be.

“Come on, we have some matchmaking to do.”

You looped your arm through Jules’ and walked around the pool area. Smiling at Sam as you passed him.

“Oh, why didn’t I think of this.” Jules whispered just before stopping behind Wanda.

“Hey Wanda, do you have a second?”

“Of course is everything ok?” She turned around, stopping her conversation with Maria Hill who also worked with the team.

“Yes, everything’s fine. We just wanted to talk for a second.”

“Oh ok.” She turned back and excused herself before you grabbed her and started walking. “So what’s up?”

“Have I introduced you to the rest of my pack?”

“Just Jules, why?”

“I’d like you to meet someone else.” You smile sweetly at her. She eyes you suspiciously just before you stop again. “Jonah, I’d like you to meet Wanda, Wanda this is Jonah. He’s one of my best friends and my pack.” You say as they just look at each other.

Jules nudges Jonah with her foot to get him to say something.

“Hi, I’m Ricky. Y/N’s other pack mate and Jules’ mate.”

He holds out his hand but you smack it away and make a face, silently telling him to shut up.

“Nice to meet you Wanda.” Jonah finally says as he stretches out his hand.

“Likewise, Jonah.”

As they shake hands they exchange dopey grins and you’re satisfied that you’ve done your job. Jules grabs Ricky before he’s able to say something else and you leave Jonah and Wanda to get to know each other. You wander back around the pool to where Sam was sitting with Nat, Bruce and Clint. Sam looks over his shoulders just as your chest is pressed against his back.

“Hey baby.” He says as he takes the hand you placed on his bare shoulder and presses a kiss to your palm. “What were you and Jules up to?”

“Matchmaking.”

“Who and who?”

You embrace him from your position, your arms resting over his shoulders and chest. Sam sighs contently at the closeness and your sweet scent.

“Wanda and Jonah. They’ve been eyeing each other for a while. I think they’d be cute together

“They could work. As long as Pietro is ok with it. He’s very protective of Wanda.”

“I’ll convince him.”

“Who is my sister talking to?” Pietro showed up beside you.

“His name is Jonah, he’s my pack mate.”

He gives you a disapproving look before turning to look at his sister.

“Don’t you dare go over there and ruin this. I know Jonah and I trust him with my life. They look cute together.”

“I don’t know. No alpha will ever be good enough for her.”

“I can see where you’re coming from Pietro.” You say with a nod. “But you remember how I saved you from Bucky when you basically broke into the apartment?”

Yes?”

“Well you owe me one, so let them be.”

“It is not the same.”

“Come on man, just let them talk, it's not like he’s going to claim her. Besides, I've had the chance to get to know him and I trust him. Plus I trust him to keep Y/N safe when she’s at work.”

Pietro is now sporting a pout. “Fine. But one chance, if he makes her cry he won’t know what hit him.”

“Pietro, I’ll help you kick his ass. I know his weaknesses.”

“That’s more like it. Now, do you have any cute friends for me?”

“Just ran out, sorry.”

Sam and the other chuckle as Pietro mutters a few curses under his breath.

“You’re cruel sunshine.”

“No I’m not, I’m saving some poor girl. Might as well give me a suit and let me join.” You say as you nuzzle into his neck and scent him, which gives you an idea. “Sam, baby. I need your help.”

“With what?” He turns to fully look at you.

You only smile in response and he raises an eyebrow.

The party had been going strong for a while. From what Bucky could see everyone was having a good time. He was on edge and vigilant in the best way. Bucky was confident he was going to win this little game you were playing and he couldn’t wait. Although he had lost sight of you about 15 or 20 minutes ago.

He had seen how you introduced Wanda to Jonah. Then how you went and hung out with Sam but then you went your separate ways. Curiosity got the best of him, especially when he was feeling a weird pull from his bond with Sam. As any good may and alpha Bucky left the pool area to find Sam and make sure he’s ok. Just outside of the pool area he finds you and Nat talking.

“Have you seen Sam?” He says as he comes up to you.

“I was with him a few minutes ago but he went with Clint. Something about who had the best aim.”

“Oh, ok.”

“Everything ok?”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” He gives you a smile and walks away.

****

On a different floor Bucky finds Sam and Clint playing darts. He didn’t know why he had been feeling the way he did but he was relieved Sam was ok anyway. Bucky spent a few minutes there and excused himself to go back to the pool. Just as he walks past the stairwell doors someone jumps on his back he tenses for just a moment. If it weren’t for the giggling and the sweet scent of honey he would have attacked.

“Omega.” Bucky said with a low playful rumble to his voice.

“What was that about me not being able to sneak up on you?”

“Fine, you win.”

“Good, because I want my prize.” You say in his ear before letting go of him and grabbing his hand to slip into one of the empty rooms on the floor.

His face lit up with anticipation. Once the door was closed to the room you were in Bucky pushed you up against it. One strong, warmed calloused hand and one just as strong cold hand land on the back of your thighs as Bucky pulls you up. He’s unashamed with the needy whine that escapes his lips as they find yours. Your hands roam freely from his arms up to his shoulders and to his back. Out of the three alphas Bucky understood the need for physical touch the most. He was always so sweet and gentle when it came to physical contact with you but right now he was letting his alpha take control. His touch was firm and without hesitation. The way Bucky kissed you at the moment was possessive and you loved it. This moment was different with Bucky than it was with Steve and Sam. Bucky was in full control. From the way he held you to the way his lips moved from your lips to your neck, his teeth gracing the spot he’d mark eventually.

You could feel his hardened length against your clothed core every time he rutted against you. The moans and whines you let out as you rolled your hips against him made him growl in response. Just as quickly as it started, Bucky slowly stopped.

“Fuck omega. You sound so pretty for me.”

“Alpha, I swear if you stop too I’m gonna kick your ass.”

“I’d like to see you try.” Bucky chuckles before giving you a quick peck and helping you unwrap your legs from around his waist.

You pout up at him as your hands travel from his shoulder and down to his chest.

“I think the three of you got together and decided to leave me hanging every time until I have my heat. And that is very mean of you.”

“I’m so sorry my sweet ‘mega. Trust me you have no idea how hard it’s been for us to behave. Especially now that you’ve made a very beautiful nest for us and we have you in it with us.” He says between peppering kisses all over your face. “We want you so much.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. It’s killing us to not claim you yet but we know it can hurt and we don’t want to be the reason for you to be hurting.”

You give him a small shy smile.

“Don’t get shy on me now.”

“It’s just, you make me very happy. And sometimes I still can’t believe I have not one but three people that care about me so much.”

“You make me, us, very happy. We’d do anything for you. So we want to do this right. Now come on before I change my mind.” He pulls back and opens the door.

“I mean I still wouldn’t be against you changing your mind.”

He raises an eyebrow at you and you smile at him as you get in the elevator.

“You’re trouble.”

“The good kind.”

Day quickly turned to night. Everyone had moved away from the pool and back to the other floors. The team had moved to a private balcony where you were joined by your pack to watch the fireworks show Tony had created.

“Is this seat taken?” Steve asks while motioning to the empty area of the lounge chair you were sitting on.

“Nope.”

You move around and lean back so that he can rest against your chest. He sighs as you play with his hair and scent him. Sam and Bucky are close too, all cuddled up on another lounge chair.

“Today was a good day.” Steve muttered as he looked up at you. “Usually I don’t like big parties but having you and Sam and Bucky with me was great.”

“I’m glad you had a good time. You deserve it too.” You say before kissing his cheek.

“Alright everyone. I know there was that huge ridiculous thing out there that was labeled a cake but our very own Y/N made a personal care for her dearest alpha. Now why don’t you come up here you fossil so we can celebrate you properly.” Tony announced.

Steve looked at you confused but you only motioned for him to get up. Everyone gathered around a small table that had been sitting in the corner. The whole pack surrounded Steve and sang happy birthday in a loud and off key way, it was great. Just as he blew out the candles the first firework went off.

“When did you have time to make this?” Sam asked as he took a bite.

“Yesterday morning. I used Bruce’s kitchen.”

Steve and Bucky were silent while they practically wolfed down their slices. You watched them before you chuckled and shook your head.

“Mm, sweetheart, that was amazing. Thank you.” Steve said as he pulled you to sit on his lap. You smile and cup his cheek before kissing him and quickly deepening it.

When you pull back Steve has a dazed look in his eye.

“You had a bit of frosting on your lip.” You say with a smirk.

“Well shit, I’m gonna go get frosting.”

You and Bucky laugh at Sam before turning to watch the fireworks.

****

It was around 4:00 in the morning when Steve first stirred. He’d held you close all night so when he unconsciously moved his arm to bring you in he only found an empty space. Steve’s first sleepy thought was that you moved to snuggle against Sam or Bucky but there was an incredibly sweet and overpowering scent permeating through the room. A deep guttural growl bubbles in his chest as he sat up. The blankets were also missing from the bed.

“Sam, Buck, wake up.” He practically commanded.

They didn’t need to be told twice and were still half asleep as they looked over at their mate. The same sweet scent that Steve found hit them too and they knew they had to act quick.

They could hear you in one of the spare bedrooms. If the scent was strong in your shared room it was intoxicating from the source. Steve knocked gently so as to not startle you. He only heard a whine in response.

“Hey sweetheart.” His voice was soft as velvet. “Are you ok?”

You looked up at him from the corner of the room you had set yourself up in. There were pillows and blankets but it needed more. It needed their scents. You shook your head in response.

“What do you need? We’ll get you whatever you want.”

“I don’t know what to do.” You whimper. It was overwhelming, the heat, the need that kept growing between your legs and the slick that you had already tried to wipe away but kept pouring out. “Is something wrong with me?”

“Sunshine no,” Sam said quickly. “It’s your heat.”

Ch 11

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[rubyklaasje]

Journey to the center of B-Low’s Letterboxd

Ok so... over the last 8 months or so, I’ve watched every film available on B-Low’s Letterboxd. Partially because I’m deeply Helly R/B-Low-pilled… and partially because I love watching movies, especially random low-budget/indie movies. Referring to the actress in question as B-Low so this doesn't show up in the tag LMAOOOO can u imagine? nightmare. nightmare. This is not a ranking of most to least favorite – each film was rated in 3 categories with a total possible 13 points. The categories were:

- Was it an overall good/enjoyable film in my opinion (1-5 possible points) - How much is B-Low actually in it (1-3 possible points) - A wildcard category that I choose depending on the movie (another 5 points possible)

Pt. 1 (1-8)

1. SWELL 2016 star rating: 2.5/5 • b-level: 3/3 • wildcard (finger tattoos): 5/5 • Total: 10.5/13 Verrry funny this ended up at #1. SWELL is a funny stylish short film that feels like if a Black Mirror episode didn't take itself so fucking seriously! Imagine a world in which theater exercises are real... B-LOW WITH FINGER TATS. Free on vimeo!

2. Mr. Roosevelt 2017 star rating: 3/5 • b-level: 2/3 • wildcard (shot on film and lols): 4/5 • Total: 9/13 Tied for 2nd place points-wise with Circus Person. I’m surprised this didn't end up at #1 because it’s definitely my favorite feature on this list. Very sweet and funny and gorgeous to look at! On Netflix now, but i think i had to rent this 1 originally lol 3. Circus Person 2020 star rating: 2.5/5 • b-level: 3/3 • wildcard (rip my heart out): 3/5 • Total: 9/13 B-Low’s own short film! Feel weird rating this at all because it just feels so uhhh earnest and like... raw! But it is gorgeous and fun and one day I want to make an edit for it to 'Ladies' by Fiona Apple. iykyk. Free on vimeo!

4. Staycation 2018 star rating: 2.5/5 • b-level: 3/3 • wildcard (mega cutie-ness): 3/5 • Total: 8.5/13 A short film that was extremely heartwarming and legitimately hilarious. Highly recommend for any B-Low-Heads out there. Free on vimeo c:

5. Holly Slept Over 2020 star rating: 1.5/5 • b-level: 3/3 • wildcard (GAYYYYYY): 4/5 • Total: 8.5/13 God, This movie was strange. Interesting set-up but concluded in what felt like pure wish fulfillment for... only the middle aged rich white dudes watching? Good for them I guess! The 3 women in the film were the only highlights for me (big surprise!). There is a guy who is inexplicably porn brained and weird about it, which turns out to be a recurring theme for male side-characters on this list. Yay. Had to rent it on youtube, rip.

6. The Shadow Hours 2016 star rating: 1/5 • b-level: 2/3 • wildcard (camp realness): 5/5 • Total: 8.5/13 One of the lowest 'is it good'-wise but truly one of my favorites on this list. I don’t want to say too much, just please watch this film, it’s short and very fun. It is an ACTION flick. It’s a tonal roller coaster, one minute we’re joking around and the next B-Low's character gets thrown through a glass table... like did she do that stunt i need to know. Anyway. It is free on Youtube.

7. Beside Still Waters 2013 star rating: 2/5 • b-level: 2/3 • wildcard (great cast): 3.5/5 • Total: 7.5/13 Strong ensemble of white folks being witty and sad, a conclusion that was almost too sweet – but it looked great, had a super fun cast and a pretty fun script. A very tolerable movie c: Free on Tubi.

8. Domain 2016 star rating: 1/5 • b-level: 3/3 • wildcard (jerkin-it to completion): 3/5 • Total: 7.5/13 A sci-fi feature that took itself very very seriously! Sometimes that seriousness paid off (there were some very cool shots and twists), but they decided to make the dude from the 2001 DCOM Luck of the Irish jerk-it to completion which kinda took me out of it. Free my girl Phoenix! Free on Tubi!

[dreemurr-skelememer]

So, since you have been enjoying Dreamtale head cannons and alternate versions of it, I would like to share mine! (This has been one my mine for the past few months and I have laid awake in bed thinking about it before. AND I FINALLY GET TO TALK ABOUT TO SOME OTHER THEN MY SISTER!) (Forgive me for crappy word choice. I suck at spelling.)

The main changes happen with Dream and what he's seen. I don't feel as if I need to beat up Nightmare any more sense we all have imagined what happened to him whenever he beat up.

So I imagine that Dream knew that Nightmare was lying to him for a little, but had no idea until he witnessed it at about age 9. (I am trying not to write an entire scene about right now. Maybe in the future.) He's coming back to the tree and he sees a group of the villagers around it. As he gets a closer look at what the group is doing he can only stand there in shock. They are hitting, kicking, and throwing Nightmare around as he pleads for them to stop. (fuck it, I'm writing the scene. BACK TO THE START! This is going to be open for way too long.)

Panic attack, abuse, manipulation(?,) maybe some other thing IDK tho. 427 words(I know not long)

Walking back to the tree took a little, but Dream didn’t mind! It was relaxing to walk through the field that stood between the Tree of Fellings and the village. Today is especially nice. He had finished helping the villagers with his chores earlier than normal, and as a thanks the baker had given him a pie! It was a blueberry pie, one of Nightmare’s favorites! And favorite topics to try and educate Dream on. He swears they’re purple, but Dream thinks that they are blue, like the name says. And who’s to argue with the name?

Dream loves it when Nightmare tries to teach him stuff, it’s always so funny to see his brother point to things in his books with such power! It’s also one of the few times Dream gets to see Nightmare be confident in something. Nightmare had become even quieter over the years. It was sort of nerve-rac-

“ PLEASE STOP! “

What on earth? Who’s screaming? Why does it sound like Nighty? Dream’s quickly questioned. He whipped his head around looking for who had shouted, just to have his eye lights lock onto a group of people standing at the foot of the Tree of Feelings. What’s happening over there? Are they stopping someone from hurting the tree? Where’s Nighty? Shouldn’t he be helping?

“ PLEASE! WHAT DID I- AGH- “ The voice screamed again.

Dream took off running towards the tree. Why haven’t they stopped? They sound like they’ve surrendered. Haven’t they? Why are the villagers-

Everything stopped for Dream.

They weren’t defending the tree.

No.

They were attacking his brother.

Another heart-wrenching scream from Nightmare being slammed against the Tree of Feelings let time flow around Dream again.

I need to stop them. 

Why can’t I move? 

I need to help Nightmare! 

Why am I just standing here?

Why won't my legs move!?

I can’t just watch him get beat up! 

I can’t! I can’t I can’t Ican’tIcan’tIcan’tIcan’tICAN’TICAN’TICAN’TICAN’T!

Just move you stupid legs!

Move move move move movemovemoveMOVEMOVEMOVEMOVEMOVE!

Why can’t you do anything?

Why why why why why whywhywhwhywhywhyWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!?

He stopped screaming. 

They’re gone. 

There useless, now you can help Nightmare.

Why aren’t you moving? They’re gone. 

Go help your brother!

No no no no nononononononoNONONONONONO!

Why are you running away?

How are you this useless?

Why am I crying?

You don’t deserve to cry.

You left Nightmare to suffer because you can’t do your job.

You were supposed to make sure the villagers are happy.

They’ve told you this a million times.

If they are angry enough to hurt Nightmare, 

You Failed.

~~~~~~

After this Dream started doing more for the villagers. A FUCK LOAD MORE. On some days he would come back to the tree sit down and immediately pass out. Over the years he basically does all of the villager's chores that can be done by a twelve-year-old.

He panics whenever he comes back to the tree and sees that Nightmare is injured, and when Nightmare lies about it it makes Dream panic even more because his brother doesn't even trust him. Dream wants to bring it up, but he's scared to push Nightmare even further away.

The Apple Incident happens when they are 12 - 17 (I'm not set yet.) Dream is screaming for the villagers to stop as Nightmare is pushed against the Tree of Feelings. And now the dude that originally tried to kill Nim is whispering to Nightmare telling him to eat the golden apples. After enough pestering from him, Nightmare eats it. He then blacks out for the classic murder fest, and Dream eating the last Golden apple. When he comes to his wits again he is standing in front of a statue of Dream. The Corruption immediately starts telling Nightmare how Dream ditched him and never cared.

In the multiverse for a few hundred years(About 200) Nightmare isn't in full control of himself, but he's awake. By the time he does have control, he agrees with the corruption completely and now they are the same person. He gets his gang a few years before Dream is free of the stone.

When Dream gets free he has a panic attack, Nightmare shows up with the intent of screwing around with Dream, but Dream in his panic-induced state accidentally portals out of Dreamtale and into UnderSwap. He meets Blue and Ink there. They help adjust to the multiverse, and yeah.

Does Dream have an apartment in a random ass OverTale that is extremely run down? Yes.

Does he have common panic attack there after battle with his brother? Yes.

Is he technically a child that was forced to grow up, and severely traumatized? Yes.

Does he still believe that his job is to make everyone happy and that the fact that bad things happen is his fault? Yes.

Will he be getting therapy? No.

Enjoy that I just spent a large number of hours on this and wasted a lot of my day.

I have no regrets. And I'm probably going to ask this and realize I have more to say.

bro wrote a whole snippet in my inbox 😭 RESPECT

yes to all of this. yes yes yes. you completely get how i view the way dream reacted to the bullying and like. everything else! this is also almost exactly how i see it!!!!!!!

dream walks around with guilt on his shoulders eternally eating away at him and controlling his life. his panic attacks post-fight, his anxiety towards every nook and turn. it's a lot. it's too much, even.

[skzhocomments]

THE WHITE LILY (Mafia Book #1 - Bang Chan) - Chapter 9 - Paint it black

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

General masterlist

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

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---

Chapter 9 - Paint it black

chapter word count: 1.7k words

~Emilia's POV~

Spending time with Jeongin was exactly what I needed. I didn't feel as lonely, and I felt again that I could rely on someone. 

Chan's betrayal was still fresh, though, and it still hurt.

He promised he would be by my side...

I climbed back up through my window when my eyes met an unexpected gaze that was burning through my skull.

"Where have you been?" Chan asked coldly and stood up.

"Good morning to you too. What the fuck are you doing in my room?"

"You haven't come out in a fucking week."

"And it took you a fucking week to check if I was okay?! Also, invading someone else's privacy is pretty out of character for you."

"Emilia, you know I've checked on you, just not personally-"

"You can't shut me out like that, Chan. You told me to come here and didn't even have the courtesy to tell me why Hyo acted like that towards me."

"It's more complicated than that..."

"So you just assumed I wouldn't understand anything that's going on?! Good job, Chan, really!"

"You know it's not like that."

This conversation was wearing me down. Just 20 minutes ago I was having fun with Jeongin, feeling alive, and now? 

I simply rolled my eyes hearing these lame excuses and took off my jacket.

"So, where the hell were you?"

"Out."

"Alone?"

"None of your business."

"Oh, but it is, and you know that."

"For whom? For Chan the mafia boss or for Chan my boyfriend?"

"Your boyfriend?" He sighed.

He fucking sighed.

"Emilia, I think you're making this out to be more than it is."

"Making "this" what? What is "this" then?" I frantically moved my hands pointing to me and him.

I was exasperated. Did Chan really not see me as more than a fuck buddy?

Were all the nights we spent together these past months meaningless to him?

Was I just a fool starting to catch feelings when he quite obviously didn't give two shits about me?

"What, can't even answer that? Did you even care about me, or was I just your pretty fuckdoll?"

"Don't talk like that about yourself. Of course I care about you! Did you see me sleep with anyone else ever since we met?"

"So let me get this straight. You want us to be exclusive, you don't sleep with anyone else, but SOMEHOW we are not together. I am making us out to be more than we are?!"

"I-"

"And what's more, you don't even tell me what the fuck is happening around here. Am I that insignificant to you?"

"No, you're not-"

"Then stop keeping me in the dark and let me know what's going on!"

Even though Jeongin already told me what they found on the baby, I wanted Chan to trust me and tell me his suspicions himself.

But I was only met with silence. And the deafening silence is sometimes the loudest answer.

He didn't trust me.

And even more than that, I felt... he didn't love me at all.

"You know what, Chan? I'm really tired of this shit. This...'situationship' of ours... it's all over. Get the fuck out of my room."

He nodded and left without a single word more, and I just let myself fall on the bed and pass out.

~

That night -or morning, if you will- I couldn't sleep well. I had nightmare after nightmare, my mind trying to put all the pieces together. An unidentifiable woman. A baby with a hot-iron mark on its back. The Scarlet Rose. Hyo. Bang Chan. Me.

I didn't reach any conclusion, but I decided that enough is enough. So what if they don't trust me and don't accept me as one of their own? I wasn't the one who suggested I should join them in the first place, so why the fuck should I be the one to feel bad?

I dressed up, put on some make-up and got out of my room.

"Good morning!" I smiled at Han cheerfully, who just side-eyed me and replied awkwardly, stumbling on his words.

I made my way downstairs to the big kitchen and found Felix, Hyo, the baby, Chan and Hyunjin.

As soon as I opened the door, the atmosphere changed. Chan kept avoiding my gaze, Felix and Hyunjin nodded at me, then stared down at their food silently, and Hyo threw daggers my way with her eyes while feeding the baby a spoon of... whatever the fuck babies eat.

Fuck them. You'll live. I encouraged myself.

"What a wonderful day! How is everyone?" I asked with a smile that didn't reach my eyes and observed how everyone around the table was acting.

"Man, if the food's that good you can't even say a 'Hi' back, y'all should let me try some too!" I mocked their silence, moment when Hyunjin finally looked up at me.

"Yo, Shade, wanna go have some fun together?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and a dumb smirk and got up from his seat, coming next to me and wrapping one arm around my waist.

~

"Did you want me out of the room so badly?" I chuckled.

Hyunjin rested his hands in his jeans' pockets and walked leisurely in the garden.

"You and Hyo are bad news together."

"Should I leave, then?"

"No." he stopped walking as soon as we reached the small glass greenhouse in the garden. In front of it stood a picnic table and two chairs. "That's not what I meant."

Initially, I thought Hyunjin brought me here to sit down with him, so I was really surprised when he pulled a small golden key out of his right pocket and opened the door.

I've seen the greenhouse from outside before, but since this was Hyunjin's private space and he's never invited me in, I had no idea what was expecting me inside.

It was quite fun to notice that this wasn't your regular greenhouse. Plants were only close to the glass walls, as if to create an illusion from outside that this was a greenhouse. But once you got inside, you could quickly notice that it was actually an art studio. 

Canvases were scattered everywhere, several easels with unfinished beautiful works were placed strategically in different corners of the room, and the light was pleasantly flowing from the glass ceiling, giving the space a quiet and calm element.

"Hyunjin, wow... I didn't know you could paint."

"Tsch." He scoffed. "Seriously? I show you this, and the only thing you can say is 'I didn't know you could paint'?!"

"Why, was that wrong?" I chuckled, noticing his eye roll.

"No artistic side to you, got it."

"C'mon, don't be like that. So, is this your secret space?"

"Yea, this is my baby. I'm super proud of it."

"Do you come here often?"

"Only when I need to let off some steam. It's easier to express myself... like this." He pointed to the many paintings around us.

"This feels a bit intrusive, doesn't it?" I asked, looking around. So, this was Hyunjin's 'Overpass'.

This thought brought a small smile to my lips. It felt like we were really not that alone, all of us feeling the same things and expressing them in our own ways.

"It is intrusive, yes. But it also helps. Sometimes it's good to let it all out for the whole world to see, be it positive or negative. Art is a beautiful way to do that."

"So, did you paint everything in this room?"

"No. I bring friends here sometimes that I know would never talk to anyone out loud." He raised both his eyebrows expectedly, making me snicker.

I walked around the paintings, searching for... I don't know exactly. Familiarity, perhaps?

Some paintings were indeed happy landscapes: a sunflower field, two people holding each other and kissing, a smiling child; others, not so much: a burnt down house, a girl's back, the sea; the colors used to create images that made me shiver.

But one painting in particular caught my eye. It was one of the "unhappy" ones. Dark. So dark, it felt like it was pulling me in. It portrayed a lonely man sitting with his eyes wide open in a dark blue room. He had a black cloud formed by incoherent thoughts above his head, absorbing almost every corner of the painting inside of it.

"Did you also paint this one?" I pointed to it.

"No... that one is..."

"Chan... Does he come here often?"

Hyunjin didn't seem surprised that I knew.

"Sometimes. He started making it some years ago. Occasionally, he comes here to add a black line in the cloud..."

"It feels so... lonely..."

"However," Hyunjin intervened again. "he stopped coming here almost four months ago, when he drew this thing here."

He showed me an opened door opposite from the bed. A pale hand had a grip on the handle. How come I didn't see it?

"And he started coming again one week ago..."

When we fought. I thought.

"So... what are you saying?"

"Nothing." He shrugged.

"And what about this one? It seems... different than the others." I pointed to a small painting of a dark scenery.

"Different how?" he seemed intrigued.

"It's like... it's pulling you in. It's so desolate... it stings. I don't know how to explain it better."

"Well" he chuckled "you're pretty on point with that. It was a tough time. Felix got hurt and I... let's just say that I lost it. I'm a fool, aren't I?"

"A fool? No way, dude. It's normal to feel like this for your closest friend."

"I guess." He smiled. "So... anyway, I brought you here and showed you my soul. And everyone else's as a bonus... Will you show me yours, too?" Asking this, Hyunjin went to an easel covered with a white cloth and revealed the canvas underneath: it was empty.

A canvas of my soul... What a beautiful way to put it.

He grabbed a chair and a set of brushes, some pencils and colors, and rinsed a glass of dirty, painting water, filling it with some fresh one. Then, he placed the small greenhouse key that was still in his hand neatly on my palm.

"You can come here whenever you want."

"But wait! If you give me this key-"

"I have a spare!" he shouted and waved while exiting the greenhouse.

What was I supposed to paint?

How did my soul look like?

I closed my eyes and let myself think about how I was feeling.

Hurt. Confused. Uncertain. Abandoned. Lonely. Betrayed.

With these thoughts in my mind, I painted it black.

---

Chapter 8 | Chapter 10

[tankbredgrunt]

End of year wrap-ups, 2023

It's presently June while I start to write this, and I thought if I wanted to put together a list of media consumed over 2023 I could at least get an early start, for as much my sake of mindfulness and talking about the things I loved/hated. If you're interested too, you can read more; first is video games, then music, then movies and tv, then books. If you feel like talking about anything in here don't hesitate! This is going to be a nightmare to tag though so, I probably won't lmao.

Nothing is necessarily ranked in order either btw, and just because I didn't write any thoughts with something doesn't mean I disliked it. Just no thoughts you know? I could have thoughts though. For the right price.

Viddy Games

For the games I haven't yet beaten but did spent some time playing, I made 12 hours of progress into Hollow Knight and am very keen to get back into it; I played Cyberpunk 2077 for about 47 hours, and am very keen to get back into it; Baldur's Gate 3 has ~9 hours at this moment, and I'm keen, etc; and Starfield has 32 hours in it and I am NOT keen to get back into it. I can get into that later though. 🏆 means I got the Platinum achievement trophy too :3

Last of Us Part 1 (x2)/Last of Us PS4 Remaster (x3)/Last of Us PS3 (x1) 🏆 - 5 stars On top of regular playthroughs, this year also marked the dip into Grounded mode. I completed one Grounded round on the Part 1 PS5 remake, and 2 more on the PS4 remaster (for the achievements). It would be impossible to discuss the reasons why I love this game so much so I will spare yall, a mercy dedicated to anyone who's already had to/gotten to hear me go on about it. I also got two TLoU tattoos this year. Ask me about my theories still though. One of my favorite moments from my 2nd Grounded run (Including one of the nearly-100 fuck ups leading up to that point):

Death Stranding - 5 stars I'm coming in to write about this one retroactively, because I've spent all this time since beating the game thinking about it. Did I understand half of what was going on? Vaguely, but it was beautiful, and heartfelt, and the world was interesting, and it satisfied the need I had to go outside and run my errands. Loved Cliff's character, and his plight as a father, how he carried it with him to the afterlife, and his speech to Sam is on loop constantly as a goosebumps generator. All the webs this story weaved came together and fray in such intriguing ways.

Detroit: Become Human (x2) - 5 stars These were my third and fourth playthroughs of this game and I find myself fonder for this little game each time I play. The perfect example of how a setting is so much deeper for the things it DOESN'T say than the things it does, once you think consider it. Under the cover of fun little robots, this world is so bleak, and I love the thought experiments. A very good example, imo, of what kind of tool cyberpunk really is as a setting. Quantic Dream also slips in one unanswered aspect into each of their stories, and while it's true that the ambiguity can be frustrating, Quantic Dream accidentally does it in a way that I find so alluring. Ra9, in this case, examining the clues on my own, coming to my own conclusions. It lets the world live on after the games have ended. I don't care about having answers--the game focused on what it needed to. It was not a portal into the greater world, it was one into Kara, Connor, and Marcus. We can look at the world on our own.

Disco Elysium - 4 stars Admittedly while this one took me a few months to finish, with a break spanning between November 2022 to March, and often found it VERY dense with information, I still really enjoyed myself. It's also the sort of narrative that is very self-aware, and as such pokes fun at itself, and as another such is sometimes lost under a few too many layers of irony and sarcasm. It's a bit hard sometimes to know what information to take seriously and what to disregard. As wonts these sorts of games the content is made entirely of dialog, very reading heavy, and puts me to sleep--I couldn't imagine playing this game without the stellar voice acting. Haunting and comedic sometimes even in the same line of dialog, I'm glad I found it after the Final Cut was released. Highly recommend, looking forward to another play-through.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom - 4 stars I loved BotW from the moment I got my Switch on launch day. Interestingly with TotK, I found my high opinion slipping the more I played, and too afterward. It seems more and more to me that Nintendo isn't exactly as keyed into what people are looking for with Zelda as they thought. TotK comes complete with shallow villains and anime tropes and a bastardization of a fair bit of the work done in BotW. It is not a story that is aware of it's own narrative, characters, or concepts. I don't say this as a person who demands to know which timeline and where exactly it takes place, only as someone invested in the universe and hopes to have somethings meaningfully extrapolated on. I'm hungry for subversion. Won't get much of that with this game sadly. That said, where gameplay was concerned I still really enjoyed myself. Before release I was worried how they would fill a world I've already spent 300+ hours exploring, and it turned out the answers were 2 entirely new maps and a largely transformed overworld. Discovering the newness in a world I already knew so well was fantastical. The building mechanics were enchanting, the shrines legitimately challenging, and the world still fun to explore. Don't see myself replaying for quite a while though, if ever, which was also the case with BotW. EDIT: having read and heard of all the nightmares about this games development since I've played it, just have to say 😬 yikes dude. Really recontextualizes the story for me. Idk though the gameplay was still super fun, so where an overall rating is concerned, I'm a bit conflicted. I'll leave it where it is I guess but let the record show it's still a Yikes from me about certain things.

Heavy Rain - 3.5 stars So, in the driver's seat of this, I found myself not doing much else besides complaining. The controls on the PC port are horrible; the 'twist' was less that and more... dishonest; voice acting was rough; David Cage exists; etc. But idk dude!! Something about it was still as charming as the first time!! It's been just about 10 years since I first played it at release, and the nostalgia was strong. It was a perfect distraction from real life at the time, and I've always looked back on the game fondly, though I've never replayed it. There ARE functional things I do dislike about the plot and writing and the awful ending, which discounts its score to the 3.5 star rating, but idk yall. I find Norman dorky and lovable, flawed yet well-intentioned; Ethan is a desperate dad trying to correct mistakes he still can't reconcile with; even Scott's motivations are understandable. I, like one key character, cannot deny that seeing a dad do whatever it takes to save his son? I'll have what he's having.

Oxenfree - 3 stars One thing about me is I have a great hatred for time travel stories. They always inevitably fall short. Oxenfree however used what I believe are the true assets of the trope. The struggle of fate, predetermination, and how-could-anything-be-different. (I also believe a key function of time travel stories is the character's understanding that they aren't the first version of themselves caught in the loops but that's a different convo). Anyway the ambiguous ending was also a big win to me. All in all a fun little game. Give it a try if you want some low-stakes entertainment with a good story.

The Uncharted series - a mixed bag So this doesn't include Uncharted 1, which I played damn near a decade ago when I first got my PS4 and the Nathan Drake collection. My thoughts on that are hazy but one I remember vividly--fuck the ship level. Anyway I mark this as mixed bag because my feelings towards it are complicated. I still felt the essence of NaughtyDog throughout, their care for their characters and sympathetic storytelling. While not as morally gray as their TLoU stuff, and rated Teen, it was still compelling, and despite my intense grievances with the combat systems in 1-2-3, I never questioned whether I would continue with the next game. However. Those grievances. Holy shit. Snap-to-cover is NEVER the answer, game devs. I know and forgive that games 1-3 are over a decade old, developers have better tools and understanding now. See an example of my jimmies being rustled here:

Take a shot each time a headshot doesn't hit. For gameplay reasons only I can't give the first 3 games any higher than 3 stars. And even though 3 has the best story of the 3, gameplay might even knock that one down to a 2. Anywho, the whiplash in quality between 3 and 4 was insane. I played the PS5 port, and loved everything about 4. Loved Sam, loved baby Nate, loved the story. It was as if ND had kept a .txt file of every single issue up till that point and corrected each of them. Seeing the bones of TLoU2 was also nice. Phenomenal game, and I look forward to playing it again sometime soon. Ratings for each game go: Uncharted 2 and 3 - 3 stars Uncharted 4 - 5 stars Uncharted: Lost Legacy - 4 stars Sadly I don't have the tools or plans to play the PSP game. PS Vita? Either way.

Last of Us Part 2 (x3) - 4 stars This was probably my 3rd time playing TLoU2, and while I don't have many strong comments to make concerning the story, I feel like this was finally the first time I truly understood Ellie's character in this game. The truth of her grief and what it was really over. And Abby as well, how she wasn't just a foil for Ellie, but for Joel as well. That said, I do still feel I would love this game so much more if it was just told linearly. The pacing is DOGshit dude, wow. Love it though. I've also completed a Grounded playthrough and got the Plat trophy this year as well, which I only mention for bragging rights 💅

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice 🏆 - 5 stars I don't think I have much to say about this game besides general comments about how phenomenal the experience was. Never played anything like it. Fun exploration, environmental puzzles, great visuals. Combat was good, sound design was excellent. Story was good, acting was amazing. All around VERY thrilled I played.

Assassin’s Creed: Mirage 🏆 - 5 stars I GOTTA SAY, This game surprised the hell out of me. I’m on a journey to play all the Assassin’s Creed games; so far I’ve finished 8 out of ~18. For how badly Valhalla sucked ass I was hesitant to play this one, since it acts as a sort of prequel to a particular character, but DAMN if this didn’t completely surprise me. The world was incredibly fun to explore, and even included environmental puzzles. You will legitimately feel like an assassin with the amount of player freedom this game gives you, and the story was just as good. Best Assassin’s Creed game? 👀 Hard to say till I’ve finished them all but so far it’s absolutely a contender. Basim I love youuuuuu

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [Assassin's Creed 1 - 2.5 stars; Assassin's Creed 2 - 3.5 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: China - 3 stars; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: India - 3.5; Assassin's Creed: Chronicles: Russia - 3.5 stars; Beyond: Two Souls - 3 stars; Ghost of Tsushima - 4 stars; Gone Home - 3 stars; Indigo Prophecy - 2 stars; It Takes Two - 3 stars; A Plague Tale: Innocence - 3.5 stars; The Quarry - 2.5 stars; SEASON - 3 stars; Spider-Man 2 (2023) 🏆 - 3 stars; Stray - 3.5 stars; Super Mario Wonder - 4 stars; Twin Mirror - 3 stars; Viewfinder - 3.5 stars; A Way Out - 3.5 stars; Where the Goats Are - 3 stars]

Starfield: Putting this one down here at the bottom so I don't start this list out with complaining lol. Anyway the fact this game was nominated for Best RPG at the game awards tells me they don't play some of the games they nominate lol. I don't think I've ever had an experience like this game gave me. I somehow played 30 hours, and had a great time, before realizing it was bad. Nothing happened in the story to stop me, there wasn't suddenly a new gameplay mechanic that I didn't agree with. There was just something in the glamour of those 30 hours that got me. Maybe it was the father figure referring to me with neutral pronouns. But anyway I guess I just came to my senses. I took a break to play something different, came back, and it was an entirely different game. The overworld is barren. They expect you to explore hundreds of plants that have nothing on them besides some minerals and animals you scan. These are laaaaarge swaths of time spent running back and forth in near silence, because not only is there next to nothing meaningful to interact with on these worlds, your companion repeats the same 5 quips the entire time. There are no tools to traversing the overworld more quickly, so you are running for thousands of kilometers so you can scan a useless monument and get 20XP. There is no incentive to exploring, there is no incentive to doing anything other than fast-traveling to your next destination--until the game stops you for not having the appropriate ship parts installed, and you realize it's going to be a 5 hour grind to upgrade that part. Looking back at those 30 hours I enjoyed, this was all still there, but idk man, idk. For this amount of content this should have only been a $30 game, MAX, and they sell it for $70. But I bought it for $70, so who is the real chump here. I think the only thing I truly enjoyed (besides Sam Coe) was the mission 'Entangled', where you are unwillingly forced between two alternate universes, due to an experiment in a research facility. It sits right on the cusp of horror, between one universe where the research facility exploded and nature took it back, and another where the explosion never happened. There is drama, intrigue, decisions, exploration, everything. Nothing else in the game came close at all to touching that and I'm mad I spent so long before realizing it. Who wrote this mission, so I can thank you?

Music (and the lyrics that make it)

My complete 2023 favorites Spotify playlist

Favorite albums: Preacher's Daughter by Ethel Cain Slut Pop by Kim Petras Guard Dog by Searows I Let It in and It Took Everything by Loathe Heavy Glow by Soulkeeper

Individual tracks and my favorite lyric: Master & A Hound by Gregory Alan Isakov 'Where were you when I was still kind?' Sun Bleached Flies by Ethel Cain 'If it's meant to be then it will be.' Don't Keep Driving by The Paper Kites 'There's nothing wrong with a little space. But not right now; don't leave.' Honey Dripping Sky by Georgia 'No matter how hard we try, I won't deny--it's for you.' Coming Clean by Searows 'If I kill you would I have to forgive you still?' Francesca by Hozier 'I’d tell them put me back in it. [Darling,] I would do it again.'

TV and Movies

I am severely illiterate when it comes to movies so the goal this year was to have watched at least one movie a week. Did I succeed,Future Me? [Yeah!]

Kingsman: Secret Service and :Golden Circle - 5 and 4 stars The cinematography?? The choreography? Hello? Across both movies, they were all so incredible. While Secret Service was my favorite of the two, Golden Circle had my favorite fight (though the church scene is a clooooose second)(Pedro Pascal I love you):

Gentlemen Bronco - 2 stars This movie was dull as shit BUT, it had one of my favorite scenes of the year.

Knock at the Cabin - 3.5 stars Just wanna put this one here real quick to get the Worms out--what was the point? Narratively, what was the point? I have been rolling this movie around my head since I watched last night and I'm hoping to read the book soon for better context, but man. While I enjoyed this movie a lot I just do not follow the themes, more so considering the ending. Was it a fight against providence and predetermination, only to prove its own point? The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few (Mr. Spock)? I can't tell exactly what this movie was asking me. As a rule I generally don't enjoy stories where the psychos are proved right with no closer examination of the themes and circumstances. Like yeah the MCs being a gay couple framed the story differently but that is also just a side effect of having distinctive characters lmao. It also insulated some sacrificial-minority stuff? Weird. And asks no questions about fate or anything, which is a wild loop considering Andrew's previous history with Redmond (a red herring? However I feel if the intro of a red herring completely recontextualizes the larger possibilities of the world, then it's not a good red herring, it's lazy). Ultimately I understand a theme is save your family or save humanity--it's on the DVD cover lol. But yeah man idk. All the other stuff, it made for a weird soup that I just cannot decipher. Anyway. EDIT: I have since read the source novel and it was incredible. I will not be watching any more Shyamalan movies lmao

Pacific Rim - 5 stars I also don't have anything much deeper to say about this than gotTDAMN dude, what a good fucking movie. I decided to watch because of all the Pacific Rim AUs that take place in fandom, and I decided I finally needed to know why and I DO know why now because good lord. What a good movie. That said the sequel was a hot pile.

The Arrival - 3 stars The way this movie had my heart racing the entire time--and shat it all away at the immediate end. Pure whiplash. "You know what surprised me the most? It wasn't meeting them. It was meeting you." What kind of straight nonsense. What kind of anticlimactic. What kind of bullshit. I was immediately snapped to my senses, I'm not over exaggerating. Insanity.

Unmentioned, in alphabetical order: [After Yang - 4 stars; Assassin's Creed (2016) - 2 stars; Asteroid City - 4 stars; Barbie - 4 stars; Begotten (1990) - 2 stars; Bullet Train - 4 stars; Come and See (1985) - 3 stars; Dead Poets Society - 3 stars; El Dorado - 3 stars; Grave Encounters - 3 stars; The Green Knight - 4 stars; The Hateful Eight - 5 Stars; IT and IT: Chapter 2 - 4 stars; Jennifer's Body - 3 stars; King of the Hill (all 13 seasons) - episode determinate; Knives Out - 5 stars; Knives Out: Glass Onion - 2 stars; Labyrinth - 2 stars; Lady Bird - 3 stars; Lake Mungo - 3 stars; The Lighthouse - 3 stars; Mad Max: Fury Road - 3 stars; The Magnificent Seven (1960) - 4 stars; The Magnificent Seven (2016) - 3.5 stars; Martyr (2008) - 3 stars; Matrix - 3 stars; Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions - 1 star; The Menu - 4 stars; Midnight Mass - 4 stars; My Own Private Idaho - 3 stars; NOPE - 4 stars; Once Upon a Time in the West - DNF; Possum - 3 stars; The Power of the Dog - 3 stars; RE: Damnation, Death Island, Degeneration, Infinite Darkness, and Vendetta - 3 stars; Saltburn - 3.5 stars; Seven Samurai (1954) - 3 stars; The Shape of Water - 4.5 stars; Skinamarink - 3 stars; Star Trek: The Motion Picture - 2.5 stars; ST: Search for Spock and ST: Voyage Home - 4 stars; ST: The Wrath of Khan - 4.5 stars; The Thing (1982) - 3 stars; The Thing From Another World (1951) - 3 stars; Tideland (2005) - 2 stars; Unforgiven - 4 stars; The VVitch - 3 stars]

Favorite Books

The Spear Cuts Through Water by Simon Jimenez - 5 stars I have never EVER in my life read a book like this one, and I urge everyone to give it a try. Two men must escort a dying god across the country in order to stop the control of her tyrannical children. If you aren't digging the book, at least try and make it 100 pages in. The beginning, like every chunky fantasy, is a bit of a tough learning experience, and the uniqueness of the prose didn't exactly make it an easier task. However, it makes it extremely lyrical and poetic, and intriguing. The entire package is mind-blowingly unique. AND it ends happily, if that makes you feel better.

To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers - 5 stars My thoughts on this little story aren't overly complex or anything, I just found the setting very nice, the B plot concerning Earth interesting, and the ambiguous ending intriguing. While the events might be a little harrowing it was the hopeful attitude of the prose and characters that made it very comforting nonetheless. I loved the experience while I was reading it, and think about the ending now, even all these months after reading.

The Sleeping Car Porter by Suzette Mayr - 4 stars A black sleep car porter tries to keep his job and his sanity after their train is stopped by a mudslide. Before this I can say I'd never read anything in this setting before, and it was what drew me in initially, but it was the writing that really captivated me. The narrative has a very intimate feeling, nostalgic almost, as if you're hearing the story secondhand even as you read. It's also refreshing when a book just says 'cock', and no extra-curricular euphemisms. Where's that video of Taron Egerton saying cock over and over btw cause I can't find it

The Magpie Coffin by Wile E Young - 4 stars The first in a collection of splatterpunk westerns?? It was so fun to read, and the cover is so badass. It knew what it was and it did so well.

In the Distance by Hernan Diaz - 4 stars A young Swedish boy, separated from his brother, fends for himself in the early USA west. I was on hold for this through my library for nearly a month and a half, so by the time I got it in my grubby hands my exciting was pretty high. Though I found much of it slow, I was still somehow on the edge of my seat. It's a crime that this was the Pulitzer runner-up, and that Less by Andrew Greer won instead. It's been a very very long time since I've felt so strongly about the well-being and outcome of a character but Hakan if you're out there--I love you.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars

Nothing to add to this decade long conversation other than this holds up :’) I was gasping like I was in high school again, reading it for the first time.

Honorable mentions, in alphabetical order by author last name: [A Psalm for the Wild Built and A Prayer for the Crown Shy by Becky Chambers - 4 stars; How to Sell a Haunted House by Grady Hendrix - 4 stars; Texas Outlaw by Richard Jessup - 4 stars; Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie - 4 stars; Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller - 4 stars; Helpmeet by Naben Ruthnum - 4 stars; The Power of the Dog by Thomas Savage - 4 stars; East of Eden by John Steinbeck - 5 stars; The Cabin at the End of the World by Paul Tremblay - 4.5 stars]

LEAST Favorite Books

I'm nothing if not a hater so I wanted to give some space to the books I most disliked.

Less by Andrew Sean Greer - DNF SAUR upset that this won the Pulitzer prize of its year instead of In The Distance by Hernan Diaz. 100 pages into it and I could not find anything redeeming about the main character. Pretentious, bitter. Like maybe that was his arc? He would outgrow that maybe. But it was just not the book nor the characters for me, unfortunately, so I did not stick around long enough for that to happen.

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon - DNF WHEW boy was the writing in this one bad. Like yall ever read a queer book and just know it was written for straight people? Let me find a picture I took of one paragraph.

Yikes and a half, dude. Anyway

Meat by Joseph D'Lacey - 1 star This was just plain bad. Like 'Oh isn't it so crazy they're eating people?? They're treating people like cattle, that's so demented right??' No. Not really. There's cannibalism in the cannibalism genre? Get a grip. I live near Donner Pass, we got cannibalism in the water here. Although maybe I'm also partially to blame for expecting some deeper storytelling from splatterpunk.

The Troop by Nick Cutter - 2 stars I don't know that I have anything really critical to say about this book other than I just didn't enjoy it. Writing was fine, prose was fine. It's told a bit out of order, think Carrie by Stephen King--snippets of interviews and articles detailing the aftermath of the events of the book. I do remember thinking that the facts were contradicting themselves a few times but was really not invested enough to care too deeply. The isolated, abandoned feeling we get from the island was nice, and the atmosphere good, I just don't believe Nick Cutter is a good writer. A bit too many slurs in here as well, methinks.

Books I DNF'd: With 15 in total this was the year of DNFing for me; it's amazing was Prozac can do for a person. (Disclaimer: I've only listed 13 of them here. The other two had to go back to the library before I could finish them so I marked them as technical DNFs :( and it doesn't feel right to include them in this list for haters)

Bath Haus by PJ Vernon (explained above) The Singularities by John Banville (nothing offensive, just didn't vibe. Books will often try way too hard on the opening paragraph and I'm not here for a philosophy lesson as I crack open a book you know what I mean) Heartless by Marissa Meyer (I just don't think YA does it for me anymore) There's Someone Inside Your House by Stephanie Perkins (" ") If We Were Villains by ML Rio (I just don't like being lectured and this book was clearly written for someone who wasn't me lol) Pretty Girls by Karin Slaughter (I find that a lot of times thrillers written by women employ stereotypes against men and their 'perverse' sexual tastes. The lines between pornography/fantasy and reality don't seem as nuanced in this genre, unfortunately. A man is not immediately a villain because he enjoys CNC or roleplay, and the pearl clutching is a little tired) Campfire Cooking in Another World by Ren Eguchi (why is every light novel like this:

The Lies of Locke Lamore by Scott Lynch (this was too quippy for my tastes. It was a little too busy being clever and not busy enough being interesting.) Less by Andrew Greer (Mean Gays, the next Tina Fay movie) Upright Women Wanted by Sarah Gailey (just wasn't my cuppa) Riders of the Purple Sage by Zane Grey (I read a review that counted how many times Zane Grey used 'sage' in this book. I don't remember the number but there was a lot of them. Too much mormanism going on, just wasn't my cuppa) The Cold Dish by Craig Johnson (only alright, not bad but wasn't going anywhere fast. More of a character focused, soft bit of mystery, which was fine, I just didn't find myself enjoying the characters either) Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett (I just wasn’t vibing you know how it is)

2023 Reading Statistics

I also keep a track of the pages read and ratings, as well as genre, where I read the book and in what format, so I'll put that here too for posterity's sake. And If you'd like, I use GoodReads, and we can be friends!

62 books read 18,217 pages in total 3.25 average star rating 19 (30.6%) of the books read were owned; 43 (69.4%)(nice) were from the library 14 (75.8%) were physical books; 12 (19.4%) were ebooks; 3 (4.8%) were audiobooks

That's it! I don't make reading goals anymore, in terms of how many to read, but I do know I want to TRY and read the copy of Battle Royal I've had since my junior year of high school. And I'd like to try and finish the Tsubasa manga series, since I never made it past volume 15 I think. I can't think of anything other than that! It was a good year!

[dickfics69]

Emotional Motion Sickness | Part 3 | A Rickyl ficlet

PART 1 | PART 2 | PART 4 | PART 5 | PART 6 | PART 7 | PART 8 | PART 9

Rick x Daryl

AO3

Summary: Daryl gets sick before a supply run, and denies it vehemently. He is a big tantrum baby. Rick is constantly worried and drama ensures.

Chapter 3 summary: As Daryl prepares to leave for the run, he is accosted by other members of the convoy.

AU: This fic has some timeline and plot-point changes. They are still in the prison and the second Governor fight never happened. He died in the first one and the last few months have been them adjusting to all the new Woodbury inhabitants. Rick and Lori broke up when Shane was killed, but Rick still lost his mind when she died. Daryl and Rick have just recently gotten together. Farmer Rick era is lot shorter than in the show. An original character is introduced for plot furthering purposes.

Content warning: adult language, sickfic, mess, snot, bodily functions, hurt/comfort, vivid nightmares, adult content, 18+ for eventual smut (still deciding hehe), ORIGINAL CHARACTER MAKES APPEARANCE IN THIS CHAPTER

Word Count: 3k+

My personal Daryl Dixon playlist

As always, huge shout out to @dumbslxtclub for editing my grammar and being the best hype girl ever <3

Chapter 3: People are annoying, leave me alone.

Daryl placed a cigarette between his chapped lips, fiddling with his lighter until flame made contact with paper. He knew better than to aggravate his delicate immune system with a wave of hot tobacco, but right now he didn’t really give a shit. 

He took a tentative drag. The heavy smoke permeated through his upper respiratory tract, lighting up inflamed airways like a forest fire. The deep burning, unsurprisingly, caused an almost vomit inducing coughing fit, launching Daryl forward once more. He was getting really fucking sick of this. 

Tears, snot and saliva joined together to render the hunter’s face a wet dripping mess. Recovering enough, he returned to vertical and dried the mess with a cleanish section of his sweatshirt. Glancing down at the cigarette that was still turning to ash in his fingers, he contemplated trying again. ‘Mm, better not,’ he thought and stubbed the rest of it out, throwing it to the wayside. Breathing shakily, Daryl brought the back of his wrist up to his sore nose and gave it a tired rub, trying to ascertain whether he should expect an encore from his sinuses, determining that he was safe. For now. 

Daryl was leant up against one of the external prison walls overlooking the courtyard. There was just enough of a lip above his head to keep the October rain from completely drenching him. Although running between the truck and prison had definitely dampened him enough for his fever to start rising again. Fortunately for Daryl their vehicle had pretty much been stocked by the time he got out there. Normally the hunter preferred to be in charge of the cargo that left the prison walls, but today he was just grateful that he didn’t have to exert himself too much. 

Continuing his respite against the cold brick, Daryl was shivering and desperately trying to wipe his memory of the events of the morning. Guilt was an emotion that he despised and something he certainly didn’t have time for today. 

Just as he was about to head down the stairs, the door to the left of him opened with an obnoxious laugh and a whip of long brunette curls. Peri. 

‘Peri…Peri, uh, what’s-her-face.’

Peri What’s-her-face, was the group's latest addition, being welcomed in by Rick and the council when they had found her wandering about in a daze several weeks ago. Daryl didn’t know a lot about the woman except that she had an unusual aptitude for knife throwing but was bullshit with a gun. “Be nice, she’s improving,” Rick had said to his partner after a less than spectacular training session a week prior. Maybe she was. Too many people to keep to keep tabs on. Oh, she was Australian too, a geographical concept that seemed to flummox Daryl on a regular basis. Peri was charming enough, making everyone laugh with her Oceanic idioms and generally sunny disposition. She had a mad temper too and seldom took crap from anyone, resulting in a lot of heated arguments between the two. Recently she’d taken it upon herself to repeatedly guess Daryl’s middle name; a game that was endearing and irritating at the same time. Overall she was the type of person Daryl knew he’d end up loving and laughing with, but he didn’t have the energy to try today, especially with her weak skills accompanying him on the supply run.

“Oi kndife girl!” He rasped out as she started heading down the stairs. 

“Yes bow-boy?” She retorted.

“You fired a gund without jumbping yet?”

“I’m getting there, Dixon. You know I actually grew up in a country with gun laws?” She leant back on the railing nonchalantly, drops of rain gathering atop her curly hair. “Thanks for the concern, but I can definitely hold my own in a Zombie crisis.”

“I’ll believe it wheheh-n I heh s’h’h’ETSCHUuu… hih’ATTCHtuu…heh…heh’snNXXTt oo-, ugh, fuck.” Daryl sneezed openly and suddenly, leaving a line of not-so-clear-anymore mucus trickling out of his left nostril. 

An awkward silence followed as Daryl attempted pitifully to clean himself up. 

“Dude you look like shit.” She said bluntly. A drastically different comment to what he was used to hearing today. Daryl laughed. 

“Fuck you,” he finally said between sniffles and chuckles. 

“Hey, fuck you too, mate,” she laughed loudly and heartily, holding up a middle finger to retain an amusing upper hand.

It was a weird and wonderful moment between prospering friends. 

“Aah, alright D-man, I’m going to do a round, see if anyone has any item requests.” Throwing him a halfhearted peace sign. “Meet you at the truck, Daryl Norman??” 

“Ndot even close.” 

She smiled, shrugged and walked away, twirling a couple of daggers around her hands as though it was as easy as breathing. 

Daryl pulled out another cigarette. 

‘Strange girl.’

———-

A couple of barebows, fuel tanks, and silencers; Daryl loaded them into the Jeep, feeling the sickly heaviness grow worse with every single item. He stupidly expected to feel better with every new turn of the day. But denial is a silly creature. His congestion was so bad that  he could barely even sniff anymore, no air able to pass through the swelling and snot that had made extended residence above the hunter's red-raw nostrils. It was still constantly dripping though, rendering the sleeves of his sweatshirt as good as a pack of tissues. Daryl was too tired to contemplate the juxtaposing predicament that was afflicting his sinuses. Running his hand across the arrows that sat atop his crossbow, he felt a couple of notches that were threatening to snap. He knew he should make some sort of repair attempt, but found that he could not move at this juncture in time, hands holding strong on the back of the truck with a little bit too much need.

“Daryl!” The newly adolescent voice of Carl frightened him out of his febrile stupor. How long had he been standing there?

“Shit kid, your daddy ever teach you ndot to sndeak up on people?”

“Uh yeah but I’ve been saying your name for the last thirty seconds so…” Yeah, Carl had been there a while.

Not knowing how to respond, Daryl went with a trademark grunt and busied himself with items in the back of their vehicle.

“Why aren’t you taking the bike?”

“Ndeeds fixin’.”

“If I help you when we get back will you teach me to ride?”

“That ain’t up to mbe, Carl.” Daryl brought his gaze to the young man, gazing apologetically down at him, pushing the deputy hat down over his eyes in a show of affection.

“Fine. Well Peri and I did a round and got a list of requests from people.” Carl handed a slip of paper to the man that landed itself directly in a damp pocket.

“Uh, thangks kid,” He said with a pitiful sniffle, hoping that the smaller Grimes man would walk away so he could cough or sneeze or blow his nose or something else gross and humiliating. But the boy hovered. 

“Daryl, you okay?” Asked with more concern for general safety than anything else. 

“Yes, Carl.”

“I was in the dining room earlier, so really. Are you okay?” 

“Christ! Yeah! I’mb getting real fucgking sick of that question today!” He used his outburst as a good excuse to wipe some excess snot from his upper lip. Gotta keep up appearances.

“Okay.” Carl shrugged. “My dad’s looking for you by the way.” 

Shit.

“Mb’kay, he kndows where to find mbe.” Daryl mumbled, hands on his crossbow again. Silence. Please leave me be. Daryl normally relished his time with the boy; teaching him card tricks, browsing comics, and fighting alongside him. But today there was no room for civility.

“Are you and my dad- I dunno- okay?” A hint of discomfort adorning the pubescent voice. 

‘Are we?’ Daryl pondered melancholically. Truth be told, Rick and Daryl hadn’t been quote unquote ‘together’ for very long. The pair had always possessed an unbreakable resolve to protect each other, a friendship growing deeper as their found family triumphed over and over again. And then Lori died. While the husband and wife had separated long before the birth of Judith, the trauma of her passing sent Rick down a psychological rabbit hole and Daryl lost his best friend to an avalanche of grief. Unable to help, unable to ease the pain of his loss, Daryl redirected his affections and fell hopelessly in love with Judith, the tiniest addition to the family. The hunter made sure the beloved baby girl was alive and well for when her father came back to them. Then all of a sudden, he did. Rick had entered his room in the middle of the night, a face full of tears, glistening in the faint moonlight. He finally granted himself the comfort that Daryl ached to provide. The pair had held each other hard, long into the morning, falling asleep in a tangled mess of limbs. Nights like this became commonplace for the duo. At this point, they were both well aware of their mutual affections, but lacking Shakespeare’s apt for romantic declarations, they went unvoiced for much longer than anyone deemed necessary. Months of longing stares, gently brushing fingertips and falling asleep in the same bed culminated in a tearful night of emotional exclamations and explosions of physical passion. It was new. It was exciting. It was terrifying. But they loved each other, and that was enough for now.

Coming back to reality,Daryl reduced his immense thought process to a mere two word sentence.

“We’re finde.”

“Good.” Carl took a moment to choose his next words carefully. “Just so you know, if you hurt my dad, I’ll kill you.”

Daryl didn’t know how to fathom a response to this. Carl had virtually become a man overnight, protecting them all in ways he probably couldn’t comprehend. Now, there’s no way the boy could actually take the fully grown crossbow wearing man, but Daryl understood. The kid had lost so many people in such a short time. He understood. ‘I love him beyond comprehension, killing me is the least you could do if I ever hurt him.’

He settled for a curt nod. 

“Good then. I’ll meet you back here soon, gotta say goodbye to Judy.” They shared a smile of understanding. 

Carl walked away, passing the older Grimes man who was walking towards Daryl, joining the queue of personal irritants plaguing his morning. 

“Hey.”

“Hey.” 

Rick lay the leather jacket he was holding over the side of the truck and wrapped his arms around the back of the sick man. Nestling his head into shoulder, he felt Daryl melt into the embrace. They stood there in comfortable silence, the manly scent of sweet tobacco and fresh cotton joining together as they breathed the other man in. 

“You good?” Rick whispered delicately into his lover's ear. 

A shiver of pleasure trickled its way through Daryl’s body and all he could manage was a tired, congested, “mmhm.”

“Carl ask you ‘bout the bike again?”

“Yep. Don’t worry I said ndo.” He responded with a small but wet cough. “Oh, and he threatened to mburder mbe if I ever hurt you.”

Rick turned his head away from Daryl’s and laughed heartily. 

“It ain’t that funny!”

“No…I know!” He responded through fits of giggles. “He said the same thing to me!”

Daryl chuckled as much as his body would allow him without coughing. “Good to kndow he don’t play favourites.”

He was so comfortable in Rick’s arm’s he’d almost forgotten how goddamn awful he felt. The pressure in his head seemingly melted away as the weight of his skull rested on another. The strong arms enveloping his torso provided much needed warmth against the harsh, miserable weather. He was safe. He was warm. He didn’t want to go anywhere or move any muscle of his angry body. But they were in the midst of a supply crisis, and there was no time for selfish comforts. Not today. His nose chose his next move before the hunter could even formulate another thought. He shrugged Rick off as quickly as he could and grabbed hold of the trunk to steady himself for another onslaught of fittish sneezes. Daryl’s head reared back, mouth parting slightly.

“Hh…ehh..Hh’ExTChUu…H’HasTCHhUU…Hh’NXXtchu…heh…Hehh—! Jesus Fucking Christ!” The final sneeze never came, leaving him damp, teary and frustrated. A heavy drop of snot landed on the back of his hand that continued to hold onto the jeep for dear life. He snorted back as loudly as he dared, wiping the rest away with his forearm. A concerned hand reached to comfort him, but the belligerent man swatted it away. He abhorred being seen like this.

Rick watched Daryl struggle with pity and heartache, wanting to hold the man until he was okay again, but equally wanting to slap him for being a stubborn prick. He chose neither and became a gawky witness to the grossest sneezing fit he’d ever seen.

“So um…” The Deputy started, but didn’t know how to articulate his thoughts, scared of the reaction from partner. “Back in th’ dining room…I was…I was talkin’...”

��Say what you gotta say!” Daryl spat. Emotionally and literally. 

“Well, I was talk’n to Glenn, and he’s willin’ to come today in your place if you’re not up for it.” A tense silence followed, and when no answer came, Rick continued. “You need to rest Daryl! God, how’r ya supposed to get through a trip when you can barely stand?”

A taut silence perfused the air, and Rick prepared himself for the Daryl Dixon onslaught.

“You. Fucking. What?” He whipped around to face his partner, eyes filled with that same unbridled fury that premiered during the breakfast showdown. “Whatever happened to givin’ me space and ndot saying stupid shit huh? Jesus, how mandy times do I gotta say I’mb finde for you people to leave mbe the fuck alone?!” Daryl was on the edge of pure ferocity, pacing around in a feverish tantrum.

Rick knew the telltale signs of a Daryl Dixon meltdown and would usually intervene, but he was so pissed off with the contentious man that he decided to add fuel to the fire.

“Y’know, sometimes I can’t believe how goddamn idiotic you are! The fuck you think you’re gaining by being so pigheaded? God! You’re such an irresponsible asshole y’know?” 

“You wannda talk about irresponsible, Rick Grimbes? How ‘bout thinkin’ before you let half a dozend strangers into the prison without stocking up on rations huh? Or what about that damnbed farming bullshit? Christ, you’re su-huhch a f-huh-cking…heh..h’hypocrite…hih!”

A secondary ripple of irritation surged through Daryl’s nose, leaving him powerless to continue the fight. He held up a middle finger to his boyfriend, a lax attempt at appearing tough when he was truly the picture of misery. 

Rick stood impatiently, watching the other man getting sicker with every painful, waist-bending sneeze. Did he want to punch Daryl? Yes. Did he want to hold him? Yes. Did he want fuck him sideways because he was feeling very weirdly turned on? Also yes. He sighed, shaking away bewildered frustrations. After the attack on the prison, both men found it difficult to reign in their tempers, and were quick to lash out, often at each other. With some wise suggestion from Herschel Greene, Daryl took to going on solo hunting trips to clear his head, and Rick turned his focus on the developing prison farm. At this juncture in time, the Deputy willed himself to be the bigger person and back down. Daryl would come to his senses sooner or later. Hopefully before he passed out. 

“You done?”

“...Yeah.” The hunter breathed shakily, rubbing his nose hard with the palm of his hand. 

“Here, put this on and let's go.” Rick held out the leather jacket to Daryl with a sigh. It absolutely wasn’t warm enough, but it would have to do for today.

“I aind’t your kid Rick, I’mb finde.” He looked down on the jacket with contempt, although at this point he didn't know why. He was fucking freezing.

“It’s forty five fucking degrees Daryl, put the damn jacket on!”

Snatching the coat from the outstretched arm, the sickly man broke into another wet coughing fit. He wanted to have the last word but couldn’t seem to catch his breath.  ‘Jesus. Merle and dad were right, you are pathetic.’ 

“Oi!” He finally croaked, drawing the attention of his partner who had started walking away. “I’mb drivin’!”

“Whatever, Daryl.” Rick tossed his arms up in weary defeat. “And hey, do us all a favour, cover your damn mouth!” He slammed the door of the passenger side closed, beckoning the others in. Unbeknownst to the lovers, Carl and Peri had witnessed most of the heated argument and stood gaping at them in shock.

“Do your dad’s always fight like this?” Peri whispered to Carl, who frowned between Daryl and the echo of Rick’s presence .

“Get in th’ car!” Daryl mumbled forcefully, watching the two younger companions hurry into the vehicle like scared little kids. 

Daryl exasperatedly ran a hand through the wet clumps of his hickory hair. He wanted to scream and punch and cry. ‘God! You’re the absolute fucking worst. You don’t deserve him.’ He fought off pressing tears with an aggressive snort, attempting to rid himself of the ever worsening gunk that filled his sinuses to the brim. He looked down at the jacket in his hand and begrudgingly threw it on, thankful for something even a skerrick drier than that already clinging to his fever riddled body. He put his hands into the pockets and paused when he grazed something. In the right, a clean red handkerchief, neatly folded. In the left, a small blister pack of cold and flu tablets. 

He made a small silent sob as the ever dreaded guilt rose in his throat like hot bile. ‘You really really don’t deserve him.’

No time for that. No room for weakness.

He gathered all the strength he could find and hopped into the driver’s seat. Daryl wiped his eyes and cleared his throat, praying to some sort of god that he could get through the next few hours without sneezing or coughing or something else that would paint him fragile and humiliated. He was not a faithful man. 

[goodmorrowing]

Ttpd review?

NEW FAVORITE. may i present to you: meg's official ttpd ranking!

the tortured poets department. 138439343843/10 this song SPOKE TO ME. the bridge??!?!!?!?! as a habitual ring wearer it changed my life. this is like. life changing for me. i've listened 200+ times already. if i were still in college i'd write an essay about it. tbh i might still. i'm not even kidding. + lucy dacus mention!

the black dog. 10000000/10. the structure of this song is so pleasing to me and also the lyrics KILL ME. "i just don't understand how you don't miss me in the shower / and remember how my rain-soaked body was shaking / do you hate me?" ????!!! "I HOPE IT'S SHITTY IN THE BLACK DOG."

guilty as sin. 10/10 self explanatory. this is a BANGER and also? like? i love it i can't i vibe undeniably.

i can do it with a broken heart. 10/10. lyrics are tragic. beat is immaculate. feels like exactly how i have felt for the last few months! i feel very heard and seen! and am thankful i can bop to my depression! lights! camera! bitch! smile!!!

the alchemy. 10/10. i love a good trav song. and it's so catchy??? like yes please when i touch down call the amateurs and cut 'em from the team. the football references are peak. tbh i realllyyyy wanted the alchemy to be about joe (because of gold rush ofc) but i wasn't disappointed by this at alllll.

the smallest man who ever lived. 9.5/10. makes me cry! actually reminds me of my college ex... the parallels between this song and our relationship are kind of insane. also the bridge. without being too too personal, i was constantly paranoid in that relationship for several reasons and often felt like he maybe had an ulterior motive that involved ruining my reputation/hurting me for the pleasure of people who disliked me. which is kinda crazy but was a vvv real fear for me at the time. and this song gets it!

who's afraid of little old me? 9/10. high school meg would have loved this one. "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" lol. also sidenote having all my teeth pulled was a recurring childhood nightmare i had!

down bad. 9/10 yeah sounds about right. fuck it if i can't have [her]! (funnily enough She & I were discussing it when it came out and she was like "fuck it if i can't have you... i mean him" and we had The Smirk Moment)

so long, london. 9/10. perfectly describes everything i've been feeling recently (so long [boston] lmao). gets a point knocked because i can't listen unless i want to cry! this song was everything i couldn't say. :) + the peace parallels? crazy.

thanK you aIMee. 9/10. this one gets a 9/10 just for the sheer pettiness. FUC(K) YOU A(IM)EE. + andrea mention!

how did it end? 8.5/10. i sob. every time. without fail. just! the death! the dying! (it did not end well.)

the bolter. 8/10. another little meg song. she did a lotta running. this song is about idina sackville but i feel it in my SOUL. all her fucking lives flashed before her eyessssssssssssssssssssss!

but daddy i love him. 8.5/10. lowkey SO FUN and i love it! there is a field not far from me with lots of flowers and i take a bunch of zyrtec and put on a pretty dress and just go sit there for a few hours on weekends. i love it.

loml. 8/10. this song makes me sob. love of my life to loss of my life. lmao this album came at the PERFECT TIME. i needed it. "you shit talked me under the table talking rings and talking cradles i wish i could unrecall how we almost had it all" !!!! "WHEN YOUR IMPRESSIONIST PAINTINGS OF HEAVEN TURNED OUT TO BE FAKES WELL YOU TOOK ME TO HELL TOO". anyways.

the manuscript. 8/10. yeah this sounds like a little meg song. and also a college meg song (who struggled through being a writer and heartbroken and lovestruck). and a current meg song (who rereads her manuscripts and wonders whose life she is seeing). "he said if the sex was half as good as the conversation was soon they'd be pushing strollers". :') rip.

my boy only breaks his favorite toys. 8/10. it's a bop! i get it!

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus. 8/10. when i listen to this one i kinda just sit there and zone out for a while. it's a moment. i can't listen while driving because i'd crash. but i feel this song on a spiritual level.

fresh out the slammer. 8/10. hehehe i like this song. i don't have a whole lot to say about it except i really like how consistent it is and also how it is Moving On.

robin. 8/10. this song is so sweet and so sad. i'd sing this to my children. i wish i'd heard this when i was a child. it heals some part of me? tbh?

imgonnagetyouback. 7.5/10. this is indeed the kind of psycho we love. imnotgonnagetyouback but it's okay! i will still listen and vibe! #supportingwomen

so high school. 7.5/10. look okay it's silly and it gets shitted on but i like it. it's adolescent and fun and hahahah i like itttt. truth??? dare?????? spin bottles?????? YOU KNOW HOW TO BALL I KNOW ARISTOTLE!!!! brand new! full throttle! TOUCH ME WHILE YOUR BROS PLAY GRAND THEFT AUTO. taylor is CRAZY for that and i love it for her. also the scouts honor line is WILD.

cassandra. 7.5/10. i love this song. i understand what they mean. poor cassandra. this is mad woman's older sister. i get it. women! women women!

the albatross. 7/10. i like this song but the albatross metaphor is one i am Too Familiar With. "cross your thoughtless heart / only liquor anoints you" is kinda genius though!

florida!!! 7/10. maybe this is just my florida hatred showing through or maybe i'm just not super into it yet. it comes above fortnight because of florence welch though. <3

fortnight. 7/10. i found it? kind of mid? still good but the lack of post malone and inherent appeal to mainstream pop media sold it for me. :( music video was immaculate though!

i can fix him (no really i can). 7/10. again, reminds me of little meg but in kind of a painful way. also.... she could not fix him lol. she could not fix any of them for that matter.

peter. 7/10. this one is kinda bittersweet. i enjoy this song but it's got that blue tinge to it. "never to keep"

i look in people's windows. 7/10. more supporting of women! taylor.... you're crazy. i love you. you are kind of a deranged weirdo, but it's okay. personally you could not pay me to admit to stalking people but i love that you do!

i hate it here. 6.5/10. ngl the beginning slaps and i like some of the lines but the song is erratic? i did not grow up precocious (i don't think) but i was hyperlexic and did read a lot. this one just didn't hit like i thought it would as a chronic reader. :(

clara bow. 6/10. i love clara bow and stevie nicks and taylor swift and i understand the importance of this song! i just can't get into it right now :(

the prophecy. 6/10. i don't know why i can't get behind this one! i want to so badly! i just can't!!!!

overall: 1029302848/10. this album was life changing and arrived just when i needed it. i love it.

[neekrobite]

this was a long story i wrote out of spite and rage, from hearing that brand would want to taint the sky with fucking ads, fortunately this story helped me pass my english class, still though, why not share it with more than one person i say. this story is about a horrid nightmare dystopian like setting, taking the point of view of three different people, and another one, who has been just killed, i am not sure if ill continue this story or not, as it is unfinished, but i might. in another thing, this is how i more so see this fucking world, with how littered it is, i hear about peopel needing to go through suffering daily, with the threat of basically death over stupid petty shit, of the tops thinking their lives are worth pennies, all while i see the tops say they give euphoria, quick euphoria, you'll love this fucking piece of shit thats useless, of course, this one is violently exagerated, (especially that railgun part what) but honestly, it should be known, the world we live in is shit, it's all going to shit, it's all fucking being ruined by everyone, but there are people who are the one fucking it up so much more than the rest, and they could just not, but a number they know they want to always go up, and they will not let any amount of lives lost sway their will

WARNING, this contains graphic destription, torture, cruelty, and average american living condition (not actually but its fucking scary thats its mildly close)

The worker, act 1 Waking up, from what is just an advertisement “Get ready for our new quick euphoria!” They always open this, same advertisement, earlier than it truly should be to wake you up. Today another day working for The Company.

“Wake Time; 5:30 seven seconds in.” The alarm from The Company blared, at the end of its babbling advertisement. “Remember, don’t be late, or your pay will be reduced by another 5 Company dollars for this month.” The alarm mocked.

Finally you start to get out of bed after waiting, one of the few moments of slight silence of the day. The time of the day, where the only audible sounds are of those who can’t take it anymore, and speak. They’ll be dead by 9, maybe 9:03 if they get lucky.

“Get Up Time; 5:31 four seconds in.” The alarm screams at you, as other alarms in the building, owned by The Company start to do the same. “You’re slow again valued employee, this may cause you to be late for your Nine, Zero, Zero, time, for this we will take 1 of your hourly Company dollars.” Its expectations got faster yet again. Before it was 5:31 nine seconds in before they took Company dollars.

You finish getting up and walk over the Cold Box, the only vaguely reasonable thing. You quickly yank it, hoping for the advertisement that plays to be a 15 second one, instead of a 60 second one. It starts playing an advertisement, “Get long lasting euphoria for the cheap price of only $95.99!” You can visibly see the fake skin colour paint not fully if covering the animatronic, of what’s suppose to look like an interracial gay relationship. The animatronics give a fake uncanny smile at the camera, before it fades to black, and the Cold Box slowly opens.

You grab The Company branded Miracle Water from the Cold Box and try to run out the door. The doors shut, likely from the killings The Company Guardians did in your hallway last night. You try to open the door, hoping you got lucky. “Are you struggle financially? Work with The Company and get endless euphoria and make tons of money!” The advertisement on the door says, with a black women saying it all. One of the few advertisements that are still being displayed, that are old enough that the person in it is real. No fake painted animatronics, no audible echoing, none of it, all while being only 15 seconds. Likely one of the few advertisements that don’t make you die faster.

The door opens slowly as the advertisement ends. You can still smell the blood feeding the mold from the killings last night. Hopefully the rotting floor can be broken soon, to finally die from the fall.

You go to the elevator and press the button. “New f-“ The advertisement was cut off, today was a very lucky day for you it seems, the elevator was already on your floor. You get on and go to your assigned Company garage. It’s only two blocks away.

As you get to the bottom floor, you go up to the fake receptionist. “Hello! How may I help you today!” The receptionist says. You muster up as much as a ever facade as ever to say “I would like to exit the building to go to my assigned Company garaged.” You know you can’t stop at any point, or it’s word compiler would not understand it. “Understood, I will now open the gates for you. After the lovely advertisement from our sponsor, from The Company!” They say this, as always. “New from The Company, kids euphoria, now safe for kids to use even!” The gate doors show an animatronic child playing with blocks that have letters on them. Underneath them has The Company written, bigger than the letters themselves.

The gates begin to open. “Have a wonderful euphorically day working with The Company. Employee!” The receptionist says. As you leave the building, you hear two loud, earth shaking boom. Mud and veins go flying around you. You turn around, and see a small headless body, with the head right behind the nearly split in half body, in front of the building you just came out of. Must’ve been a child hiding, waiting for someone to open the gates, to hope to escape from The Company. They likely didn’t know of the rail gun detection. You shrug it off, as you had seen worse in the 23 years of working for The Company. Still saddening to see a child, why would anyone have a kid while being watched by The Company.

You look up at the sky. There’s no sun, never has been since The Company found out how to control the weather. Now all that’s up there is advertisements of Miracle Water, being projected onto the clouds.

As you get to the stoplight, on one of the few barely walkable sidewalks, a man approaches you, as the advertisement begins to play from the stoplight. They say in an unsteady voice “Please, h-help-p me. I-“ They stop, as they seemed to have noticed one of The Company Guardians. They look down, pretending to be just like you. You hear the sound of footsteps walking towards you, then The Company Guardians voice, through all their protective gear. “Well, were one of ya talkin to the other. You know that could make you lose…” They come up directly to your ear. “Valuable. Company. Hours.” You say nothing, and remain still, waiting for the stoplight. The Company Guardian turns to the other man. “And how’s bout you?” The man starts to say. “I, I wasn’t. Talking to-“ You hear The Company Guardian shuffle for their pistol. BANG BANG BANG…BANG. The man falls in front of you, still alive, but bleeding out. “glk kl gl” The only sounds they could make out of their mouth, the sounds of a man choking on their blood. The Company Guardian slowly lowers themselves towards the man. “Why are you so miserable? Are you not euphoric? Here have this.” The Company Guardian grabs the Miracle Water out of you hand. lk kck The drink makes as it’s open. “Here you go, have some more euphoria.” The Miracle Water’s substances inside began to slowly pour out, it was barely transparent, and slow as molasses. “There much better much more euphoric right? Right? RIGHT?” The Company Guardian began to yell as them bringing the drink quickly closer to the man’s open jaw. “RIGHT AM I RIGHT THIS IS EUPHORIC? YOU’RE IN EUPHORIA ARE YOU NOT?” The Company Guardian started to shove the can directly in their mouth. “THIS IS EUPHORIC! WORKING FOR THE COMPANY IS EUPHORIC IS IT NOT?” They say, the can now past the tongue. The man’s eyes now go limb. The Company Guardian holds the man’s dead head, by the back of the skull. “YeS sIr I aM nOw EuPhOrIc AnD.” The company guardian says, using the body as a puppet. “Good.” They drop the body, as the advertisement on the stoplight ends.

As you’re walking away, you hear The Company Guardian in the distance say “Another fresh body by building… three nine two eight five. Get a mind transfer over here before the brain completely dies.”

You reach the garage. The animatronic at the front desk is still broken, as it has been for the last four years. Fortunate that it broke in a good way, it doesn’t need it much more than a sound, to open the door since it broke. Saves you a minute. You walk into the garage where your assigned car is located. The path you take to start up the car is visible, from years of use. You start the functions of the car, each one will play a full advertisement before correctly working. You start with left hand mirror, to the window, to the back window, to the far back window, til all the basic features of the car have became clear. You now start on the one door you’ll use, as always an advertisement plays. “Come live like The Owner! At one of the wonderful euphoric Company Apartments! Come join us and live in euphoria!” The advertisement says, while showing fake photos of The Company Apartments. The car door opens, you’re finally able to drive to work without being detected as “unlawful.”

End of the workers act 1

The clueless profiteer act 1

Waking up, from your alarm beeping at you. The alarm says it is 8:30, just as you set it to go off. Another day working for The Company. You take a while to get out of bed, common for you. Not like there’s anyone to bother you for it. You start start to put on your work clothes, for the monthly basic inspection of work efficiency. You get out of your room and walk down the hallway, down the stairs, and walk to your kitchen. You open your fridge, to view what you want today for breakfast. You decide on having spaghetti, you take out the spaghetti sauce from the fridge, and start filling up a pot of water to boil. You start to boil the water with the noodles in it. In that time it was boiling you got out a sauce pan, and put the sauce in it to heat up. You drain the pot, and put the spaghetti in the saucepan while mixing it. You put your meal on a plate and sit down to eat.

Your phone starts ringing. It’s your cab driver. You answer it. “Yes what is it?” You say. “Sir I’ve been waiting for you for the last five minutes, did you decide to walk again?” The cab driver says. “Piss off I’m eating spaghetti.” You say back to them. “Sir you could be late if, we don’t leave now.” They say, while slightly nervous. “So? What if I’m late, not like it matters. Now just let me eat.” You say back. “Sir it may not matter to you but-“ You hang up. You finish eating your breakfast and get in the cab.

You just look outside the window. You see the nice buildings in your area, few people are ever actually visible inside of the. You don’t really care about what they do in their lives though, it doesn’t affect you in anyway. You look at the cab driver and say “You don’t normally ask me to hurry in any other day. So why today?” They say in a unsteady “Well, the uh, The Owner is, visiting…” You now realize the problem, you’ve never had someone above you, judge you before. Still unlikely that you’ll get any sort of major punishment. Even if you are fired, you have enough money to still afford living. The cab driver starts to speak again “If they think I’m the, reason, why you’re late, they’d...” The cab drive just stops talking. “They’d what?” You say after a while. “They’d might, punish me.” You think about what to say, you reply “Hey if they think they should punish you then I’ll take the blame instead, alright?” The cab driver seems to be a lot more relieved for some reason. “Thank you sir, I don’t think you know how much that matters to me.” They say.

The road is long, til you reach The Company Grounds. You were gift with such a privilege as to not live in The Company’s City. You know you truly couldn’t handle the smog from the cars, or be bothered to not be able to look up at night and see the stars, or deal with longer advertisements. It’d all be quite the bother for you. Fortune is with you to be able to live hours away. None of its problems can annoy you out here. You still want to know however, what is it like having euphoria giving products.

End of the profiteer act 1

The owner act 1 You wake up, naturally, in your big comfortable bed. You’re annoyed, it’s that one stupid day of the year, the day you need to spend a day at one of your many factories. A stupid rule, enforced by other countries, likely just to bother you solely. Still yet, another day being the most useful person in The Company.

“Employee, the lights!” You say, the Employee turns on the lights of your room. You see your gilded clock now, it shows that it is 10:42. You slowly, sluggishly get out of bed. “Employee clothes!” You say, the Employee comes over and puts your clothes on you. “Employee door!” You say, the Employee opens the door for you. You leave your bedroom, as you’re walking down the stairs, one of the Employees comes up to you and says. “Owner we’ve successfully implemented the clock change, we estimate that efficiency should increase by 0.4% increasing over all earnings by 1.8%!” The Employee says. “Good. Good.” You say. “Anything that can increase my earnings, should be implemented.” You say, like everyday. “Unfortunate news Owner, the yearly visit is needed today.” The Employee says. “I know, I remembered this stupid day, from the babbling of morons. That call themselves ‘leaders.” You say. “Employee, go start the jet I want this day to be over quickly.” You say as well. “Yes Owner!” The Employee says, and rushes outside to your jet.

You walk outside, and see your jet starting up. “Employee, jet door!” You scream, an Employee walks over and opens the jet door. You walk inside your jet and sit down. “Alright, Employee go to Factory next to…” You pause, and look at the map, for which one you’ve been informed is the best to go to. “Next to Company’s City five hundred seventy one.” You continued. “Okay Owner, heading to Factory next to Company’s City five hundred seventy one.” The Employee piloting the jet says.

End of the owner act 1

The euphoric act 1

You wake up, for the last time. You’re cold, and in a metal box with no door, or lights. “Hello?” You say. You feel an intense wave of stress wash over you the instant you spoke. “Jesus Christ!” You scream, but no one can hear you. Another violent wave of stress washes over you. It is agonizing, you can’t scream from it, it’s just pure pain. You fall to the ground in the stress, you hear metal on metal. You’re shaking, while laying on the ground. Then your finger barely touches something. You feel the stress disappear, and violent joy takes over it completely. Euphoria.

End of the euphoric act 1

The worker act 2

You’re on your way to The Factory, it is only a two hour walk from your Apartment, but The Company prevents you from doing so. By Vehicle is the only way it allows. You get on The Highway, and the sickening smog is here. The horrid fuel The Vehicles run on, it just leaves toxic gas in the air. Only on The Highway, is the only time you can’t see the advertisements in the sky outside.

It’s so slow, The Highway. It is all just Vehicles, every possible spot that could be filled is. All funnelling towards The Factory, because there’s no where else to go. Just dust, smog and bright lights is what you can see. Despite this, it is quiet. Only the sounds of The Vehicles motors are heard. Watchers are on the highway. They listen and look. Any irregular noise they hear is a way to be part of The Killings tomorrow. Any irregular action leads to the same fate. The stress on The Highway is violent, you can feel the stress of others. It’s maddening, but everyone keeps going, it is the only thing anyone here can do.

Every ten minutes, everyone has to stop on The Highway. The Vehicles play an advertisement at this time. Deafeningly loud, the voices in the advertisements scream at you. They are defaulted to the loudest they can, while you are fully trapped inside of The Vehicle. With all the other Vehicles playing different advertisements, in the same ways, it nearly becomes just a mumbling mess of noises, that sound vaguely like a voice.

You never get time to wait, always just having the nudge yourself slowly. Any slow down can lead to your death. One car touching another once slightly and you’re part of The Killings. You dare touch your horn and you’re part of The Killings. Even just one window, or mirror, not having watched an advertisement and not being clear will lead to you being part of The Killings. Everyone on this damned road knows it, otherwise they would be dead already.

All of The Vehicles in six different lanes, all funnelling towards The Company Grounds. One giant Factory of madness, wickedness and cruelty.

You finally reach The Company Grounds. After hours of slowness, poisoning and stress, you reach possibly the worse place. The smog from The Vehicles is sucked up into pipes outside of The Factory, just to be pumped out to the top, at the front. Still poisoning the air, but at least making things visible. The Factory is pure grey and black, the tar of the smog lingers on it, nothing is done to clean it. Hopefully it builds up enough that it destroys The Factory. The Highway’s road is now just dirt, but everyone knows where to go anyways.

You drive into The Factory, all you see is just the layers of Vehicles. It’s The Vehicle Holding Room. You are forced to pay the toll, six Company dollars. You struggle to find a spot to lay your Vehicle. Unlike The Company assigned garages, here there is no assigned spots. The people here aren’t mad, nearly everyone here would park in the same spots if they could, but The Company Guardians are here first and always. They purposely move their Vehicles to different spots just to watch the panic, and stress of everyone. They truly are just cruel.

You found a spot for your Vehicle, on the fifteenth floor. Of course, the only way to get to a work station is at the bottom floor. You’re forced to walk down there, all while trying to be quiet. You go down the way you came up, as it is the only way to get down. At the bottom floor you go towards the crowded door, the only one to get to working stations, and wait in line

End of the worker act 2

The clueless profiteer act 2

You’re on your way to The Factory. You opened the window, and feel the cold air on your face. You recall that it never seems to feel cold in, or even around The Company’s City, or The Factory. You casually say to the driver “Hey don’t you live near The City?” They don’t respond. You say “Are you ever cold near The City? I’ve noticed that it never seems to b-“ “No.” They say, cutting you off, then continuing “It’s never cold in or near it, neither hot either.” They say, in a mildly bothered tone. “Are… are you upset? Isn’t The City great though?” You say. The driver replies “It isn’t great, it’s horrible.” They say. “I’m very fortunate that I only have to get you, for my job.” They continued. “But isn’t The City suppose to be-“ “Euphoric.” They finished your sentence. “It’s not even joyful” they said. “Wait why are you only just telling me this now? You’ve never said anything like this before?” You asked. “Because I know I’m dead by tomorrow.” “WHAT?!?” You yelped in shock. “What do you mean?!?” You said confused and concerned. “We will be late, I know they don’t care about me. So they’ll just kill me, it’s more efficient for them.” They said.

yea now its unfinished, again not sure if i will continue this, maybe if i see another thing that induces ABSOLUTE FUCKING RAGE into that companies want to try then maybe

[antiwhores]

I really loved ur short story ‘Bakugou’s game’ I would love to see a part 2 of it. Maybe a few months later or something reader is trying to get over bakugou and is really cold to him when he tries to fix their relationship and he sees her at a party with a date and he gets super jealous and possessive after seeing them together. Which leads to make up sex and hopefully reader giving bakugou a chance to make it up to her. Or be totally angsty and make reader pull a uno reverse of him.

Bakugou’s Game: Part 2.

Requested by: @jasmixs @ooftrain-12 @tsukikoxo @coffeeginie

Part one: https://antiwhores.tumblr.com/post/693877274172440576/bakugous-game

Sorry this shit took so long frfr. Ive been SO busy lately to the point its actually insane. Havent had time to even write a sliver of this. Yall probably lost interest but ill post it anyone out of respect for the og request

Warnings: Jealousy, minor violence (reader slaps bakugou again LOL L bozo), rough sex, creampie, happy ending and shit, make up sex, NOT EDITED - BARE WITH ME HERE.

Bakugou was misreable without you, the break up eats him away until he forced himself to go out to speak to you.

Bakugou never understood the idea of someone being so sorrowful about a break up that they forget their pride and beg for the person back. That is, until now. He’s starting to understand why people take break ups so badly. Cause he’s taking it badly.

Everyday is a new thing to notice. Everyday is a new thing he didn’t even know he was used to after dating you so long gone.

When he came home to his apartment you weren’t there to welcome him. When he walked past the bathroom you wernt there to sing horrible on purpose in the shower to annoy him. When he ate at the table you wernt there to tell him about your day in an exaggerated tone. When he sat down on the bed without changing you wernt there to yell at him for his outside clothes touching the clean mattress. When he spiced his food to hot you wernt there to dramatically cough and pretend to fall over. When he woke up in the middle of the night you weren’t there to tell him to “close them damn eyes again”.

Everything was different. He hasn’t moved a single bit of his furniture yet the house changed drastically.

He started to lack on his chores, throwing himself into his hero work. He exhausted his body to the point of throwing up. That and the combination of the lack of sleep and the lack of rest.

He had nightmares of how he acted. It would usually play out with you doing what he did to you. It was insufferable. Every single thing in his dream was something that he’s done before.

He looked down at his phone with his newly founder insomniac eyes.

Doll, Im so sorry. It will NEVER happen again. Im a fucking idiot and I’d do anything to make it up to you. Please just respond back.

Read 34 days ago

Y/n, I see you reading my texts. Just please let me apologize.

Read 33 days ago

Do you still want that car? I know you told me to not buy it but I’ll order it without a second thought if you talk to me. Please.

Read 32 days ago

Okay, Im sorry about the car thing. That was weird. I don’t think you’re a prize to be won with money. I just want you back.

Seen 31 days ago

Stopping by your house today, I need to see you.

Seen 29 days ago

Im sorry. I can’t loose you y/n. I cant.

Seen 27 days ago

My mom is so mad at me. I dont blame her, loosing you is like loosing half of my heart.

Seen 25 days ago

Its been so long since I’ve lived without you I dont know how to do its

Seen 23 days ago

Please love me again.

Seen 22 days ago

I know you see these. Do you enjoy seeing me like this?

Seen 19 days ago

I love you.

Seen 16 days ago

No other person will ever count to me. That stupid bitch at the bar is nothing compared to you. None of them are.

Seen 15 days ago

I left a letter under your mattress. Please read it.

Seen 12 days ago

Coming to your house tomorrow, I really need to see you. I’ll do anything.

Seen 9 days ago

The notes still here, you really break my heart. You know that?

Seen 8 days ago.

I still love you.

Seen 5 days ago

Ill fucking never look at another girl again. Swear.

Seen 4 days ago

I love you even more today

Seen 2 days ago

Whenever you’re ready.

Sent just now.

It was true, you read every single text. You read them almost 10 times over. You weren’t ready to respond.

At first, Bakugou’s texts confused you. This was against his pride. He would never suck up to you like this. So you laid it down to drunk, sad, sleepy, and/or desperate texts. It wasn’t his character so naturally you went looking for answers.

The last month has been terrible for you too. You were staying at your bestfriends house, who was GLAD to have you.

You avoided everything that mentioned him. News, certain social media platforms, public areas, etc. if it wasnt for your friend, you wouldve never gone out.

After that last text he stopped reaching out for the coming months. Things were peaceful, you were okay.

You hadn’t gone back to any club/parties since the incident. But your friend, being a party person, forced you out to a nearby club. They also made you agree to going with this guy, whatever his name was, to have a little blind date. Your friend figured it’d been a couple months and you needed to touch some bitches. You were against it, still getting over Bakugou, but they used the favor you owed them to seal the deal.

So now you found yourself at the club, chatting with a guy at one of the booths. He was actually tolerable, not your type romantically, but someone you’d be friends with. You supposed that the first step to a relationship was being friends so you continued to persue.

He was rather handsome too, not godly handsome like your ex- you needed to stop doing that. Comparing everyone to Bakugou is whats gonna make you single for life. Bakugou was not an easy man to pass.

You laughed at his joke as he continued to tell it. “Yeah man, she was crazy! She ended up calling my mom and telling her that I had set the house on fire! My mom was worried to death! Then she hit me after she found out the house was okay like I told her!”

You shook your head, “Exes man, I swear!” He leaned down towards you, “You got any exes that make you want to start a war?” You immediately nodded, “My last ex was a handful.” “Did he tell your mom you set the house on fire too?” You laughed, “Nahh, thatd be so much easier to manage. My ex, well, he-“

Prying red eyes watched you from the corner of the room. Bakugou didn’t even wanna come to this club tonight. He was, like you, forced to come out of pity of his friends. To think he could’ve missed the chance to see you and this guy flirting and laughing together.

It could be a close friend, maybe a relative, he didnt know. He wasnt close enough to make oht a single word. There was some part of him that aas glad for that nad another part that was incredibly annoyed.

No matter who it was, Bakugou’s hands started to smoke up. His teeth gritted hard against eachother. While he was moaping and suffering you were over here on what looks like a date?

It took everything in him to not just stomp over there and drag you away from the piece of shit. He was glad he hadn’t enough alcohol in him to follow those urges… to a degree.

So he waited. He waited for an opportunity. And he sure as hell got one.

“Oh!” You gasp at the ringing of your phone. You tilt the screen towards you before looking back up at your date with apologetic eyes. “Sorry, I absolutely need to take this!” He laugh, “its okay!” His back cracks when he lifts his arms to stretch. “I needa go to the restroom anyway!”

You smiled that smile that he loved. The smile that should only be directed at him. Not at some random guy you just met.

He stalked carefully behind the guy until he was walking into the back hallway with him. The guy barely had a chance to comprehend a single thought before he was slammed up against the wall with his shirt fisted by the blonde.

The man looked startled and freightened. Who wouldnt be? Bakugou’s stare was one to rival Medusa’s. He felt frozen by the pure hatred glazed over.

“What the hell are you doing with y/n.” The sentence came out between his teeth. The man put his hands up defensively, “Aye man, we’re just on a blind date!”

Bakugou’s palms sparkled threateningly, “Im gonna give yoh one chance,” He leaned down to be exactly in the guys face, “Fuck. Off.”

That was all the guy needed before he was out of the door and on his way home. An immediate wave of relief washed over him at the thought of the date finally ending. The positive emotions quickly disappeared at the sound of a famiiar voice, his favorite voice. “Seriously?”

He snapped his head over to look at you. You were even more heavenly up close, just as he remmebered but better. Your arms were folded and you looked at him with such disapproval that he wanted to immediately crawl to his knees and apologize.

“We’re not even fucking dating anymore. You just chased off my date.” He winced, “Fuck.” You scoffed at his curse to whomever. “I should be saying that not you. Leave me alone, asshat.”

Before he could stop himself he had grabbed your arm and pulled you into the closest vacant guest room. He pinned you against the doorway. You were wide eyed and your mouth slightly open. It had happened in an instant, so fast your brain was still trying to comprehend him grabbing your wrist.

Bakugou bit his lip so hard you thought it would bleed. He didn’t know were to start. This day had been rehearsed in his mind over and over again. Yet the words, the speeches, and the numerous i love you’s were gone.

“Im sorry.” Was all he could get out. Your eyebrows furrowed when he mumbled the words. He snaked his hand around your waist as he whispered in your ear. “Im sorry. Im sorry, swear on it y/n. Talk to me again. I miss you. I’m sorry.”

His head dove into your neck, kissing and sucking on every sensitive spot he gained access too. You didnt even have time to gasp before his thigh pried both your legs open. He grinded the muscle against you.

It took everything in your being to not just give in and let him pleasure you. The resolve in your head, the one that told you that him acting like this is conmmunication is what ended the relationship in the first place, slapped the hell out of you though.

His face broke as you roughly pushed him away. He whimpered while trying to trail his hands on his belt to unbuckle it.

The skin of your palm met his face quickly. He completely stopped this time. The sound of the slap reverbing in his head along with the sting. Not just the sting of the slap, but the sting of knowing he fucked up again.

“Have you learnt anything?!” You yelled, tears brimming in your eyes. “This is the reason we broke up! You can’t resolve everything with sex!” You jammed your finger into his chest, “Start thinking with your head instead of your dick! After all this time, I thought you changed. Im so ignorant.”

You turned to leave out the door. Bakugou saw everything flash before his eyes. He saw the relationship you and him had before. He saw the relationship you could have now. And he saw the relationship that fucked up and now has fucked up his life.

“I dont know HOW!” He didn’t mean to yell, really. But something just snapped in him. You stopped to listen so he continued. “I’ve spent the last several weeks missing you. I never even realized how much I fucking… damn it!”

The knot in his throat was getting tighter. You hadn’t turned around yet. “But I just dont know how…” His voice broke halfway through the sentence. He wrapped his arms around you. You felt no lustful intent, only the desire to hold his #1. “I only know how to show my love through fucking. I can be more open! I just dont know how!”

He started to shake, squeezing you even tighter. After a long while, you finally spoke.

“Then I’ll teach you how.” He looks up in bewilderment, is this you forgiving him? In one swift movement you pushed yourself towards him. You grabbed his worried face, tilting him up to look you in the eyes. He was panicked, a panick you’ve only seen a few times since knowing him. “But for now, tell me how you feel in the ways you understand.”

He seemed confused when your hands encircled around his belt and snagged it off. “What? Wait-“ you cut him off with a hefty palm on his clothed cock. His breath caught into his throat. He barely chocked back the moan that you attempted to tear from him as you dove your hands under his pants. He was puzzled, yet his arousal and the feels of your hands encircle around his throbbing cock hypnotized him.

Instinctively, he reached between your legs to rub you in return. He whined when your hand gently pulled his away. “I’m okay, you just focus.”

Easy for you to say, he thought, or atleast tried to. It wasn’t easy to focus on the situation when you began to pull his cock out and rub it against your entrance. It felt too good. It had been too long. Too long having to rub himself out to a picture of you. The real deal felt euphoric.

His hips bucked into yours, starting at a brutal pace. He picked up your legs to give himself more range. The sounds of skin on skin were loud, not as loud as the combined sound of the moans and groans you both chocked out, but loud.

He tilted his head back, his whole chest was flushed a deep red. He cursed into your neck where he had begun to lick and suck. “Damn it, I-I missed you.” Your whole body tensed when he angled himself to hit that spot deep inside of you. It was your turn to curse.

“I just- these past couple of weeks- nghhh… ive been- I cant live without you alright!” His thrusts picked up, “I regret everything I have ever done to make you upset- hhhnnm…”

Tears well up in your eyes when you start to reach your orgasm. You weren’t gonna last long either. Like him, the sensation was a lot after being away from eachother so long. He had forgotten his strength as he thrusted into you so hard you wouldn’t doubt if angry bruises were already forming.

“Katsuki… I love you,” You whined desperately. He started to unwind, tensing and untenseing, when you came around his cock while moans spilled through your mouth. It almost hurt how stong the orgasm was. Almost.

He bite into his lips so hard it began to draw blood. “Fuck, I love you too y/n! So fucking much!” With that he exploded inside you. His hot seed painted your walls without missing a single spot.

He slowly lifts you down to your feet, only to stabalize you when your knees buckle. He wrapped his arms around you, “I fucking missed you.” You breathed in deeply when he kissed at your temple, “I missed you too Katsuki.”

[storiesofsvu]

Squad Halloween Headcanons

Y’all. I FUCKING LOVE Halloween, and for me, (because of my Disney life) it starts in mid August…last year was the first time in 9 years I wasn’t in a Disney Park to celebrate with all their amazing entertainment and delicious snacks and I was SO SAD, I was planning to go back this year but #1: I’m not an idiot about to travel rn #2: our border is still closed #3: they cancelled MNSSHP this year. Also this took so fcking long cause I got SUPER hyped up/distracted jamming out to MNSSHP JAMS.

Anyways….

***

Imma start with the team going through a haunted house cause that’s what the anon asked for originally 

The squad ends up going to some Halloween festival down at Coney Island as a way to brush off some steam and have some time together outside work

It’s definitely Rollins who suggests going through the haunted house, the kind with actual actors inside that jump out of you along with creepy/gruesome scenes and rooms along the way (I’m thinking Halloween Horror Nights type thing)

Kat’s the first to agree, grabbing Amanda’s hand while the two gleefully run towards the entrance (hopped up on sugar or alcohol you choose). They’re giggling and yelping the entire way through having the time of their lives

Carisi’s definitely the one screaming like a baby around every corner, actually terrified, which naturally Amanda is laughing at him for, making plans on how to prank him around the precinct more often

Amaro’s the one who nearly punches one of the actors out of pure fight or flight instinct

Barba thinks the entire thing is childlike and ridiculous, he’s only here because Olivia showed up at his apartment and dragged him down there herself.

Casey finds herself jumping more often than she’d thought, brushing it off with laughter

Olivia & Alex end up jumping together and don’t even realize they’re holding hands until they’re all the way out and someone else points it out which they both get super flustered about, blaming it on being scared

Fin definitely makes some comment about how this is “white people shit” and he’ll never understand why something like this is supposed to be fun.

Melinda is hands down going over every gruesome scene with a groan, complaining how inaccurate it is, wapping Carisi’s arm as he’s trembling over the gore being all “it’s not even real, calm down!”

Sonya’s the one with the flask in her pocket…duh…

Halloween in general:

Olivia wasn’t super big on the holiday originally, but once she adopts Noah it becomes more of a regular thing when he’s old enough to actually enjoy it. She always makes sure he has the cutest/best costume, and is sure to take him trick or treating with Lucy (so that if she has to leave he doesn’t have to stop getting candy). She lets him gorge on candy that night, but is sure to keep it limited over the next few weeks. They do all the cute family Halloween things, carve pumpkins, roast the seeds, watch things like It’s The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, in the month leading up to the holiday

Rollins LOVES scary movies, and uses Sept/Oct as an excuse to bust them out, we’re talking all the Friday the 13ths, all the Halloween’s, all  4 Scream’s, Nightmare on Elm Street, the Strangers, the Purge collection, the Chucky movies, ALL of them. She drags Carisi into it despite the fact that he HATES them, especially the jump scares, laughing at how panicked he gets during the tense scenes. After having kids she softens up a little bit, obviously she can’t show a 4 year old those movies (she’ll wait til after bedtime for that). She’ll usually join Liv in trick or treating, making the night a little more enjoyable for both of them. She also is 100% guilty of eating at least half of the girls candy after they go to sleep for the night and DEFINITELY hits up the stores Nov 1st for all that sweet, sweet discounted chocolate. She definitely has a costume for Frannie, who puts up with her bullshit long enough to get a couple of pictures before tearing the thing to pieces. 

Carisi loves doing all the cute fun fall things with his family. Like, he’ll be back in Staten Island raking the leaves in his parent’s yard just so the kids can dive bomb into the pile before filling those big jack’o’lantern garbage bags for decorations. He goes costume shopping with them, or spends hours going through pattern books at the fabric store because his Ma is clearly making all the costumes herself just like she did when he was a kid. He’ll spend hours carving pumpkins, chaperoning various relatives friends groups while they trick or treat, various parties of the kids, laughing along with them while they play games. Is definitely helping his sisters make witch finger cookies, or those tables where they turn the lights off and you touch peeled grapes pretending they’re eyeballs and the like. Seriously cannot wait to have his own family/kids to experience it with, cause, duh…it’s our soft sonshine bean.

Alex doesn’t care much for the holiday, this bitch comes from wealth and class and you simply cannot tell me otherwise. She’s much more a Christmas/New Years Eve type holiday celebrator. She’s glad she lives in an apartment where there aren’t many trick or treaters or kids in general, she MIGHT leave a bowl of candy outside her door if she knows there’s kids in the building, but catch this girl probably still at the office not even realizing it’s Oct 31st. As for fall in general, she prefers it, getting to spend more time snuggled up with her s/o, using the chilling weather as an excuse, especially if PDA’s involved. “I’m only holding your hand cause it’s cold” kinda thing

Rafael is 1000% still in his office the entire night, has no reason to celebrate and finds everything oh so childish, though he probably will bring Noah a little packet of candy (and probably a tooth brush, cause, no one likes cavities). He hates the whole “pumpkin obsession” that everyone goes through, ESPECIALLY with coffee, how anyone can drink that sugary sweet shit is far beyond him. Plus it brings hoards more people into the coffee shops and makes him late for work if he doesn’t start leaving the house earlier. He appreciates the cooling weather thanks to regularly being in 3 piece suits though, cause that’s no fun in the humid heat of summer.

Casey’s not super into it, she might throw up a decoration or two on her apartment door for the spirit of things, but she’s not going out or celebrating, and definitely not dressing up. She’s a girl that belongs in summer, warm air, outdoor sports, the ability to bike ride through the city rather than deal with rain/snow. I feel things like 4th of July are her jam, outdoors, a barbecue, the warm summer air, sports, obviously softball.

Melinda: (it’s canon she’s married and has a kid so I’m going with that here). She gets WAY too into it in terms of setting up her front yard into a horror zone, like, the MOST realistic decorations, organizing skeletons/organs/brains/etc into the most realistic & disgusting scenarios. Loves to freak out trick or treater’s with it while her kids younger, when the kid is older and hosting parties, she’ll have a long trail leading to the back yard, a little haunted house type display with all the medically accurate terrifying thing before the guests get to the door. She definitely takes notes of the most disturbing deaths she’s seen all year just for this moment. There is 100% fog machines and creepy soundtracks throughout the entire thing. 

[gh0st-t0wn3]

Can we talk about how much this Fandom victim blames Six and overlooks/ignores her trauma all together?

I mean, why do people act as if Six is the reason for everything that's wrong in the world of Little Nightmares?

I literally saw a comment on a Little Nightmares video saying "Six doomed humanity" like how tf was this 9 year old, traumatized as fuck, scrawny, starving 3rd grader the cause of humanity's doom when all the destruction is as bad as it is? The creators said it themselves that Mono is both the Thin Man's successor and younger self at the same time, meaning the Thin Man existed and was causing harm to the city far before Six and Mono existed and before Mono's loop began; so why are people pining the blame on her for that? It's not like she knew the loop existed (how would she?), so she couldn't have made it continue intentionally, I mean-????

And can we just acknowledge how Mono ACTUALLY is compared to how the Fandom portrays him? He's done fucked up shit, he has the highest kill count of any other LN protagonist but for some reason people act as if he's this beautiful Saint who's capable of doing no wrong, meanwhile Six is some kind of feral gremlin who'll eat/kill anything she can get her hands on.

(Don't get me wrong, I love Mono but he is by no means innocent)

I've never seen Six as a bad person, I believe all of her actions have reasonable explanations, but some people act as if she's the embodiment of evil and was just using Mono for her own selfish gain- that she's just evil for the sake of being evil and completely disregard and invalidate her traumatic experiences.

Mono stole her away from her former life- and that life didn't look all that great, admittedly, but it was probably better than what came after; after all, based on the tally marks on the wall in the room Six was trapped in (If they're accurate), it took Mono over a month (44 days to be exact) to try and save her. No one can survive that long without food/water, especially not a child, and since LN2 is a prequel that also means that she isn't absorbing life from animals or other people, someone had to have been feeding her and if the Hunter wanted to kill her why would he wait so long? I'm not saying the Hunter is a good person, but we don't really know what he did to/for Six while she was in the cabin and I don't know who else would have been able to give her food to survive while she was trapped there.

When Mono took her away she followed and helped him, despite being freezing cold, and in moral peril at almost every turn. While traveling with Mono she gets shot at, kidnapped and tortured, chased through vents, left alone with murderous mannequins, crushed under falling debris, then kidnapped and tortured again to the point where she herself becomes a monster in the Signal Tower.  She has reason enough to blame him for all of this.

Every time Mono messes with his powers, she pulls him out of that hall/TV. But you can tell that she's scared of him, and at what he's doing - the first time she pulls him out she flinches away from him as he moves to get up, and by the second and third time, she actively scoots away from him afterwards (not that she gets very far in the third, because that's when Mono's little experiments summon the Thin Man who takes her away).

She kept helping him, but she's the one who kept paying the price for it.

If I'm being honest, I don't blame her for letting go in the end. I'm sure Mono was a good person (to some extent), but he's also the one who introduced her to all of these dangers and pains into her life in the first place - and she probably assumed that horrible things would keep happening to her if she continued to stay by his side.

Calling her 'evil' without taking into account the things that have happened to her isn't fair. Take a moment to think, at least.

People offer these pieces of “evidence” as proof for her 'Evil-ness' :

   -   Killing the Hunter.

   -   Breaking dummy fingers.

   -   Warming herself as the Doctor burns.

   -   Kicking the viewer’s dead body.

   -   Lastly, killing the bully in the school.

Firstly, Mono is the one who gets the gun and pulls the trigger, Six only helps to prop it up; how is the Hunter's death her fault??

Also, Mono smashes several mannequin hands, hell! You even get an achievement for hitting them enough after they've died! All before we see Six breaking the fingers of a mannequin hand, that most likely attacked her. Breaking them into pieces is the smart thing to do.

Warming herself by the fire? Mono is the one who burns both the toys and the Doctor (yet people seem to be going crazy about Six warming herself by the fire in that scene). Who CARES that Six warmed herself by the fire? It seems that people only care about the deaths of monsters in this game when they can use it against Six, yes the scene was disturbing, but she had been running around outside, at night, in the pouring rain with nothing but her shorts and a cardigan (she doesn't even have her raincoat up until they reach the hospital), that fire was probably the only proper source of warmth she was gonna get for a long time.

Kicking the Viewer’s bodies? It already killed itself, why does it matter? Again, people only care about the deaths of monsters when they can use it against Six. I know damn well if it was Mono warming himself by the fire or kicking the dead body that literally no one would care.

Six killing a Bully? This is the one that annoys me the most! Mono killed MANY Bullies up until that moment – many of which were ambushed in the exact same way. The only difference is that Six doesn’t have a hammer. The people who say that choking someone with your hands is “worse” than hammering their skull – How is it worse? Because it takes longer, or because it was Six who did it? These Bullies were a threat and they had just abducted Six. I 100% support her choice to destroy every bully she comes in across.

The fact that the developers decided to have “evil” music playing when Six struck back is very disappointing. Why would they play that kind of music for someone attacking in self defence?

The players who think that sparing the Doctor or killing the Bullies with a hammer instead of your hands is the "moral" choice seem to be under the impression that every game is Undertale now (I love undertale, but c'mon, seriously??).

It seems like Mono's only goal is to make it to the Signal Tower and find out what's behind the door despite Six's protests and feelings, and at the end, like I said before, Mono destroys Six's comfort item while she was a monster, yes this was to progress, but it also hurt Six alot.

From body language it feels like Six is afraid of Mono but has to keep working with him because she has nowhere else to go.  While I do feel like Mono has formed somewhat of an attachment to Six, I feel like he also saved her because he knows he'll need another person with him to make it through the city.

And while it's admittedly not the best thing to do, I feel like if anyone would have reason to have doubts or second thoughts that it would be Six.

Again, this is the moment when Mono finished destroying the single item that Six was capable of finding comfort in, right in front of her, despite Six trying to fight back and being in clear distress from the situation.

Like yeah, if my supposed "best friend" was the reason I was getting dragged into so much unnecessary danger, getting shot at, kidnapped and tortured, crushed under falling debris, dragged through TV screens ect, and then he came by to "save" me, but instead only tortured me further by destroying the one thing I care about despite me fighting back, being in obvious pain and distress while he shouts at me I probably would've left him behind too.

Sure she might not be the greatest character but because Six left someone who she believed hurt her, suddenly she's the villain?

[fruitydiaz-archived]

my darkest nights

A post 5.01 sort of speculation fic

Eddie makes it back home after the shift from hell and is grateful that he escaped Buck's persistent questioning - until a nightmare wakes him up and Buck shows up at his front door anyways. Because of course he does.

2,877 words

AO3 link

Eddie’s never been more grateful to be so exhausted after a shift. He’s never found himself standing in the locker room, staring at the slope of Buck’s slumped shoulders, the weight of his head pulling him down, and feeling grateful for it. He slips out of the locker rooms and to his truck without anyone noticing—everyone worn too close to the bone to focus on anything other than stripping off their uniforms and leaving for their respective homes.

What was supposed to be a 12-hour shift had turned into a 24-hour shift that dragged on, the ransomware attack sending first responders all over the city, wild goose chase after wild goose chase after literal wild goose chase. All the while Buck’s eyes rarely left Eddie. Normally, Eddie felt comforted by Buck’s constant presence, the way his eyes never strayed too far from him, especially when he found himself retreating into his head too much on calls.

But ever since the hospital—ever since running into Dr. Salazar—Buck’s eyes on him weren’t gentle and reassuring, equal parts check in with me and I’m checking in with you. They were worried and persistent and they made the hairs on the back of Eddie’s neck stand up.

By the time the power had been restored and the team had been cut loose, even Buck was too tired to chase Eddie down.

For the most part, Eddie is grateful, as he pulls into his driveway at 9 am, walking into his house and finding it quiet and empty. He’s thankful that he decided to leave Christopher with Pepa the day before, not knowing that his half shift would turn into a full shift from hell. For a moment he considers stopping in the kitchen to clear out the fridge of all the food that was definitely spoiled during the city-wide blackout, but his body screams for his bed and he listens.

He’s grateful when he pulls the curtains shut, switches off all the lights, and slips under the covers.

He’s grateful. Until the darkness settles around him again, until the sheets wrap themselves too tight around his body, until his eyes fly open and he finds himself searching frantically through the dark for a pair of wide, equally startled blue eyes.

He’s grateful until he realizes that he’s alone.

It’s not a panic attack that wakes him up—because Eddie doesn’t panic—but it takes him 10 minutes to get his heart rate back down. This sleep pattern is becoming painfully familiar to him, like finding an old t-shirt in the back of his closet that he hasn’t worn in 5 or so years, the material tight and constricting around his shoulders and chest. It’s 11:45 in the morning and he knows that trying to fall back asleep is useless, so he takes a quick shower and decides to clean out the fridge anyways.

When there’s a knock on his front door 30 minutes later, Eddie thinks he really shouldn’t be surprised.

But he still is when he pulls open the door and finds Buck standing in front of him, curls fresh and wet against his forehead, the circles under his eyes no less prominent than they were three hours ago. The spike of annoyance is almost immediate because Eddie knows that Buck got just about as much sleep as he did—if not less—and it was Eddie’s fault.

“Buck,” He starts to say, ready to wave him off again, turn him around on his porch and shove him back towards his jeep.

“I—is Christopher here?” Buck cuts him off, eyes darting over his shoulder. Eddie presses his lips together and shakes his head gently.

“He’s with Pepa,” He starts again but this time it’s Buck’s body that cuts him off, shoving his shoulder between Eddie and the doorway, pushing his way into Eddie’s house before he’s even had the opportunity to protest.

“What the hell is going on, Eddie?” Buck’s long legs make easy work of the distance between Eddie’s doorway to his kitchen and Eddie follows right on his heels, helpless and frustrated.

“Nothing’s going on, Buck. I told you to drop it.”

“Well I can’t, Eddie,” Buck says emphatically, spinning around and leaning back against Eddie’s counter. He pauses for a moment, wide eyes searching Eddie’s face before they drop to the floor. His fingers fumble with the hem of his sweatshirt and Eddie’s struck by how small he looks, shoulders hunched, bent inward.

He knows Buck pushes because he cares. Hell, if it were the other way around and Eddie had found out Buck had been to see a cardiologist and didn’t tell him, he wouldn’t have ever let them leave the hospital without finding out why. But Buck can’t know about this—whatever it is. Because Buck won’t drop it even after he finds out and all Eddie wants to do is move forward. He doesn’t get why no one else understands that.

“It wasn’t anything serious, Buck,” He tries again, but the way Buck stares back at him makes him feel like his body’s made of glass.

“Because if it was you would tell me?”

Eddie swallows. He holds Buck’s gaze and nods, a jerky aborted movement, before averting his eyes.

“Good, because four months ago you got shot.” Eddie ignores the way his entire body tenses as Buck continues. “And then you sat in the hospital room and told me that if anything ever happened to you I would be Christopher’s legal guardian.”

He doesn’t say anything and when he looks up again Buck has taken a step closer. He hovers over Eddie slightly, eyes soft and imploring.

“If something happens to you, I need to know. I want to know.”

“It was—it wasn’t a heart attack,” Eddie says quietly.

“But you thought it was.”

“The doctor said…they think it was a panic attack.” Eddie’s stomach twists at the gentle recognition that crosses Buck’s face. He’s not surprised in the slightest. Eddie can picture him easily, back at his loft, sitting on the edge of his bed, phone in hand, searching google for an explanation as to why Eddie would think he was having a heart attack if he wasn’t.

Realistically, Buck probably knew what was up while they were still in the hospital. But if Eddie can just pretend for a little longer—

“You don’t agree with them,” Buck says eventually and Eddie feels heat crawl up the back of his neck.

“I don’t panic,” He says as a reflex, the words familiar, having taken up residency on the tip of his tongue over the last couple of days. But the moment they’re out in the air, the moment he says them to Buck, he knows he’s lost the battle.

“Everybody panics.”

“I don’t.”

“Eddie, you got shot—”

“Why does everyone want to talk about that?” Eddie can’t keep the frustration from bleeding out into his words, not even through his gritted teeth. “I lived. I lived and he...he’s dead. I’ve moved on, why can’t everyone else?”

Eddie’s eyes are wide and frantic as he looks at Buck, pleading, and for a second Buck gets a glimpse at Eddie as a child. He gets a glimpse at Eddie before he closed himself off, before he was taught to build up walls around his heart, before he learned to shove every emotion down further and further until the only thing left was his ability to move forward. Before he learned how to control.

He reaches his hand out, settling it firmly on Eddie’s shoulder, thumb skipping over the pulse point in his neck.

“Eddie, it happened. Just because you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. I—I watched you almost die, Eds.”

“But I didn’t,” Eddie repeats, voice small.

“And I’m really fucking glad you didn’t,” Buck agrees on an exhale. “I get that you want to move on but until you actually talk about what happened, you’re not going to be able to.”

Buck hesitates for a moment, his eyes searching Eddie’s face. Eddie stares back at him and eventually, Buck sucks in his bottom lip and drops his hand from Eddie’s shoulder. He steps back against the counter, looking down at his hands.

“Eddie, you’ve been through a lot. You’ve seen things that most people don’t even think to worry about. It all adds up, you know?”

“But I’m used to it—it’s not the first time I’ve almost died,” Eddie says and Buck does his best not to flinch, the way he always does when Eddie casually mentions his own mortality, the number of times he’s stared death in the face only to turn his back on it and fight in the opposite direction. He takes a deep breath and pushes back from the counter, turning and slowly making his way towards Eddie’s kitchen table.

“You know, I still talk to Dr. Copeland about what happened that day, sometimes,” Buck pulls out a chair and slowly sinks down into it, his joints cracking as he does. He looks up at Eddie, who feels frozen in place, struck by the realization that it’s been four months and this is the first time Buck has ever actually mentioned the shooting, the first time he’s ever talked about it as something that happened to him too.

“For weeks I couldn’t look in the mirror because I—I would remember standing in the hospital bathroom after they took you in and seeing…your blood everywhere.”

Buck’s words settle in the pit of Eddie’s stomach like a rock. He wants to say something gentle and encouraging, but his throat feels tight, like it’s closing up on itself, and all he can do is stare back at Buck.

“Some nights I still have nightmares where I wake up and I can feel your blood on my hands. Or—or sometimes I wake up and in my dream…we never made it to the hospital. Or I’m frozen and I watch you die in the street. And it takes everything in me not to call you and make sure you’re alright. That you’re still alive.”

Eddie eventually makes his way to the chair opposite Buck, sliding into it with robotic, stilted movements that feel like they’re made by someone other than himself.

“I didn’t know,” He says quietly, and Buck regards him with a face full of guilt and pain.

“I knew you didn’t want to talk about it. But…maybe I should’ve tried harder. I’m sorry,” Buck says and Eddie’s face twists.

“You don’t have to apologize for that, Buck.”

“The point is, no matter how much time has passed, I still think about that day. And I wasn’t the one who got shot.”

Eddie’s jaw works and lets his eyes fall to the table, trying to find something else to focus on, his heartbeat rattling in his chest. He traces the surface, noting all of the different dings and marks in the wood, the water stains from years of use, from years of living. He doesn’t remember the story behind each mark—some of them weren’t even made by him (or Christopher, or Buck, or anyone else they know). The table was a late-night purchase off of Facebook one of the first nights Eddie spent alone in their house. He remembers feeling a great sense of pride when he made the purchase like he was finally moving forward, achieving something for himself and for Christopher, doing the right thing. And then he remembers the deep sense of dread and loneliness that washed over him immediately after. A table was something he and Chris needed, but Eddie wasn’t used to furniture shopping alone. He couldn’t help but think about how Shannon would’ve hated the table he chose—and she told him as much when she eventually saw it.

He remembers Shannon and the way she had suddenly fallen back into his life, like a rare kind of meteor, a once in a lifetime kind of thing, crashing through the sky, fiery and fierce, ripping through the ozone layer and leaving a crater in its wake. That’s how he felt when Shannon died—torn and empty.

That’s how he felt in the months after the shooting, too. Even as he fought to get up each morning, fought to go to physical therapy, fought through his mandated counseling sessions, fought to regain mobility so he could get some sense of independence back, so that he didn’t feel so useless in his own home.

None of it cured the emptiness. Not even when he reached his hand out some nights and felt the warmth of Ana’s body next to him. Not even when she held him in her arms, ran her fingers through his hair. He doesn’t feel anything.

Or—maybe that’s not true. Maybe he does feel something, something he’s just been ignoring—an uneasiness deep in the pit of his stomach. An uneasiness that spreads, slow and quiet until suddenly it’s taken over his whole body—panic.

He does his best to ignore it but nothing soothes it—and maybe that’s what he’s been doing this whole time. Trying to soothe the ache, the fear. Reaching for the things he thought would bring him comfort, would help him move on. And acknowledging this pain and panic means that it’s not working. None of it’s working. Not this, ignore it and move on mentality, not this relationship with Ana. Because it’s all connected, isn’t it?

Three days before Eddie got shot in the street, Carla reached across the table and took his hand, and told him to be sure he was following his heart. Three days later he was bleeding out on the street, eyes locked with Buck’s, the two moments twisted and tied together in his history, a knot so tight Eddie didn’t think he could ever untie them.

Looking back up at Buck, Eddie remembers the dream he woke up from earlier. The dream itself isn’t important—it was just one in an endless sea of scenarios that have blended together into one long continuous nightmare; an empty street, a shot in the air, fire, blood, screaming, mud, water, gasping for air—but Eddie remembers what he was searching for when he woke up.

Blue eyes, equally startled.

“I don’t,” Eddie says suddenly, his voice surprising him. He pauses, looks back down at his hands. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do what?” Buck asks quietly. His hands slide across the table and hesitate just for a moment before they cover Eddie’s own. The relief is almost instant—not total but enough.

“Ask for help,” Eddie responds. Buck squeezes his hands and he looks back up at him. He swallows, hard, at the sight of Buck’s wide, pale blue eyes staring back at him. Eddie could get lost in them. Eddie wants to get lost in them. He thinks he could be safe there.

“You just did.”

It takes a moment for Eddie to realize he’s crying. It takes him even longer to realize this is the first time he’s ever cried in front of Buck. But after everything they’ve gone through, after this whole conversation, he can’t find it in him to feel ashamed of it. Especially not when Buck’s looking at him with nothing but sincerity and honesty in his eyes. And it hits him then that Buck loves him.

Eddie thinks maybe this is what it’s like to be loved in your entirety. He’s not sure he’s ever felt anything like it before. He doesn’t have time just yet to unpack the way it feels to have Buck look at him like that, to feel like he’s been cracked down the middle and opened up to reveal every ugly vulnerability and be met with nothing but love.

But it feels right. It feels like a step forward. A step in the right direction.

Eventually, he’ll have to go back to therapy. He’ll have to unpack the events from that day, the anger he never let himself feel, the fear that his life was about to be cut short, the regret he felt staring across the 20 feet of asphalt at Buck, covered in his blood.

He’ll have to talk to Christopher because he knows his son is too attentive for his own good, and if his trip to the hospital taught him anything (and it taught him a lot) it was that Christopher had no intention of playing along with this charade Eddie had going, and he saw right through it.

He’ll have to talk to Ana. He’ll have to confront the fact that when he searches for comfort in the middle of the night, in the midst of his panic, he doesn’t find it in the shape of her body, but in the image of Buck.

One day, he’ll have to face those feelings head-on. He’ll have to untangle this web of repression and fear, the threads of which had been spun so long before Eddie was ever aware that they’re practically embedded in his DNA.

But for now, he finds peace in his kitchen, his hands in Buck’s, blue eyes on his.

And he feels safe here. If only for the moment.