#a couple of times i’ve joked with my mom ‘what if i was patient zero’ but no genuinely. what if i was

[suchdan-veryphil]

A Whole Ass Baby? - Jack Barakat Imagine

Anonymous said:

How about a Jack Barakat headcannon/whatever you wanna write about you two finding out that you’re gonna have a kid? I need more Jack content tbh 

Word Count: 2,367

Trigger Warnings: Swearing, getting sick, sex mention, menstruation mentioned, doctors

A/N: 

This is the second time I put something back in my drafts instead of posting it when I was done. And this is now the second time I was sad that a post wasn’t getting notes when it was never posted. I will do better. This took forever, but here it is. I love Jack Bassam Barakat. I love writing Jack Barakat. I am HERE FOR THIS

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It had been three weeks since I started feeling nauseous. I would just be sitting down and be hit with a sudden wave of nausea, like I was on a boat for too long. I could still eat, I could still drink, I could still shake my ass to Mr. Brightside but if I sat for too long I would just be hit with the feeling that it was time to vom. 

Then two weeks ago, I was fine. The nausea was gone, the world was bright again.

Then about two days ago, it hit me again. I couldn’t eat anything that wasn’t toast, crackers, a banana, or water (although the water was a hit or miss). Too much of anything caused me to be violently sick, and unfortunately for me, “too much” of most things meant one bite. Otherwise, I felt fine. No aches and pains, no headache, no fever. I wasn’t thinking too much about it, though, mostly for those reasons. 

Meanwhile, Jack was pounding back cake, pizza, ribs, wings, margs, and everything in between four or five times a day without a second thought. I was honestly jealous. 

We were sitting on our sofa, watching The Office. I was laying on two of the cushions and he was sitting on the third, resting his elbow on my knees. I watched as he popped three pizza rolls into his mouth at once and started chewing rather loudly. In response, I groaned and pushed his shoulder with the pad of my foot. 

“Do you have to enjoy the good food in the house when I’m sick?” 

He started to reply, but I couldn’t understand him with all of that food in his mouth. It was a low grumble, and he was starting to drool a pizza stained slobber the more he attempted to speak.

“What?! I can’t understand you,” I chuckled a little and sat up before wiping his nasty spit out of his beard. He chewed the food and quickly swallowed before answering. 

“I said, if I don’t eat it then nobody will and that’s a shame. Besides, I still think you should go to the doctor.” He popped another roll in his mouth and looked over at me. 

“I disagree. My stomach has just been off. I have literally zero other symptoms.” 

“You haven’t eaten in like a week. You need to go to the doctor.” Jack raised his eyebrows at me and stared intently. He was probably right, but I hated the doctors and he knew this. 

“If I don’t feel better by Sunday, I’ll go to the doctor. Okay? Just two days.” 

We just stared at each other, both of us begging the other to give in silently. I leaned in and did my best to pout my lip without it being obvious. 

I could tell the second that he went to inhale deeply through his nose that I had won. 

“Thank you,” I leaned over and kissed his cheek gently. 

“I didn’t even say anything!” 

“You didn’t have to.” I kissed his cheek once more, getting a whif of his greasy lunch. It hit my stomach instantly, bringing me to my feet and to the bathroom to empty whatever small contents that were left. 

That was definitely the universe giving me some sort of karma. 

I could feel his hands rubbing my back as I leaned over the toilet and waited to see if anything else was going to invite itself up. 

With a deep breath, I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped my mouth before flushing and sitting on the cold tile. 

“Do you feel better?” Jack continued to rub my back. I took a second to listen to my body, and also to get reoriented. After a moment, I nodded my head and pressed my palms against the floor to push myself off of the ground. I was only a few inches off the ground when I started to feel dizzy and fell back into Jack’s arms. I closed my eyes and put my hand up to my forehead. 

“Ok, let’s go to the doctor.” I leaned against the sink counter and collected myself before I began to brush my teeth. 

I could see Jack’s face become instantly relieved through the mirror as I spoke.

“I’ll get the keys.” 

Within the minute, we were getting into the car and buckling up. Jack reached over as we stopped at a light and pressed the back of his hand to my forehead. 

“Well you don’t have a fever.” His hands dropped to hold mine, fingers interlaced. 

“I know, that’s why I really didn’t want to go anywhere. I’ve had stomach aches before,” I sighed and rubbed circles along his hand with my thumb. 

Jack nodded and focused on driving. “I know. I know,” 

It wasn’t long before we were in the waiting room of my doctor’s office. I was busy concentrating on not getting sick in front of the other patients waiting to be seen and Jack took out his phone to play a game. 

I stared at his phone screen as he made switched pieces of candy to watch them pop. I concentrated so hard on the screen that I didn’t hear when they called my name. 

“Hey, that’s you.” Jack locked his phone and elbowed my arm as I came to. 

“Oh. Oh, I’m coming. Sorry.” I turned and handed Jack my bag. “Can you hold this?” He just nodded and slung it over his shoulder casually and continued to scroll through his phone.  

I followed the RN into the examination room and sat on the chair with the noisy white paper on it. “So, Y/N, what brings you in today?” 

I sighed and sat back on the chair, making the paper rustle. “Well, I haven’t been feeling well for the last couple of weeks. I have bad nausea, I can’t keep anything down. Today, my boyfriend was eating a pizza roll and just the smell made me sick. I got really light headed in the bathroom after getting sick. I don’t have a fever or anything, but Jack, my partner, is set on me getting seen so... here we are.” 

I let out a breath and watched as the nurse processed everything. “Are you on any medication? Any change in your diet or exercise routine?” 

“Nope, I’m still not on anything and I still don’t diet or exercise.” We both chuckled at my little joke before she nodded and started to take my temp and my blood pressure. 

“Sexually active?” She asked, releasing the air from my arm band. 

I nodded my head and watched as she removed the band. “Yes indeed.” 

“Do you use contraceptives?” 

“We do.” 

“When was your last menstrual cycle?” 

“Um,” I paused and thought back to when the last time I got my period was. I couldn’t remember, which was probably not the best sign. 

“I’d like to give you a pregnancy test to rule it out before the doctor goes and prescribes you something, if that’s alright.” She opened a cabinet and began to reach for whatever she was grabbing as I answered. 

“Yea, that’s fine.” I could feel my palms begin to get sweaty as I thought of the possibility that I was pregnant. Me? A mom? I couldn’t imagine it. I slept until almost noon most days and ate mac and cheese for most meals. There was no way I could be a mom. 

Jack as a dad, though, that was something I could see. He was always ready to take care of others and make someone laugh. Jack was someone who had a lot of patience, was goal-driven, and just made everyone happy. I tried to imagine what it would be like if he had a tiny baby to love and care for, but I was pulled back by the nurse who handed me a cup. 

“Here you go, just pee in this and leave it on the shelf over the sink with your birthday written on it. You can come back in here when you’re done and we’ll let you know what we get and take it from there.” 

I took the small plastic container in my hands and sighed as I looked at it. Getting up from the seat, I couldn’t help but notice my cheeks started to hurt. I could not stop smiling, just imagining that Jack and I could possibly be having a baby. 

Once I reached the bathroom, I followed the nurse’s instructions step-by-step and washed my hands thoroughly. All I could think was “I should have drank more water today” and “Jack and I might be parents”. 

Sitting back on the seat, I bit my lip and rested my head back in the headrest. Jack had no idea what was going on in this room. He was just sitting in the waiting room with my purse over his shoulder, playing Candy Crush or scrolling through TikTok. 

I could feel another wave of nausea hit and I silently prayed to whatever higher power would listen that I would not throw up in this office. All of my energy went into holding in whatever it was that was threatening its way up. To my demise, I was quickly pulled to my feet and hunched over a garbage can to hurl. Between heaves, I heard the door open and close before being met with the voice of my nurse. 

“Well, I think we know why you’re getting so sick.” The water turned on and I soon saw a cup of water in my line of vision along with a tissue. I took both gratefully once I knew I was done before wiping my mouth and drinking the water. I threw the cup and tissue in the trash before sitting and apologizing. 

“I can take that out with me, I’m so sorry. Thank you.” I was rambling at this point, feeling just embarrassed that she had walked in on that. 

“Don’t worry about that. Grosser things have happened here, trust me. We’ll get it taken out once you leave. Now, I have news that could be either really good or really bad depending on how you take it but know that there are options from here.” 

Somehow, this only confused me so I just nodded in hopes that she would get to it. 

“You’re pregnant. This would explain the sickness, the lack of appetite, the lack of fever, and the lack of a period.” 

My heart started to race and I could hear it pumping in my ears. “Wow.” 

It was all I could muster before I looked at her and smiled a little. “Can... can we go get Jack?” 

“Of course! I’ll go get him, I just didn’t want to tell you in front of him just in case.” She smiled back at me and left the room for a minute before returning with Jack, who was still holding my purse over his shoulder. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I saw him looking so non-chalant with it. 

“Hey you. Is everything okay?” He reached out his hand to grab mine before squeezing gently and looking at the nurse and then back at me. 

“Yea, everything’s fine.” I smiled widely at him and bit my lip before looking at the nurse. 

“Well we figured out why Y/N has been getting so sick.” The nurse started before she looked at me. I nodded and held back my tears as she continued. “She’s pregnant.” 

Jack was silent for a second before he looked down at me. “Wait. What?” He smiled widely and dropped my bag to the ground before taking my other hand and squeezing them tightly. 

All I could do was nod. 

“A baby?” He asked and tilted his head, much like a dog would when confused. 

I chuckled and nodded my head. “A baby, Jack.” 

I was barely finished with my sentence before he leaned down and wrapped me up in his arms tightly. 

“Oh my god. A whole ass baby. A kid. A child.” he rubbed my back over a few times before leaning back and holding my face in his hands. 

“So you’re happy?” I asked and smiled widely, reflecting his. Jack let out a quick, “ha” before leaning in and kissing me deeply. 

Once we separated, he bit his lower lip and glanced down at my stomach. “How far along are you?” 

I shrugged, and the nurse chimed in momentarily. “By the looks of your period chart, it would look like you’re about 7 weeks along. I’ll give you guys a few minutes, but when you’re ready you can go to the front and make an appointment with us for within the next few weeks and we can follow up.” 

“Thank you.” was all Jack or I could muster as she excused herself. He looked down at me and dropped his jaw. 

“A whole baby!” 

I laughed and nodded. “Yes! A whole ass baby! Growing in here!” I poked my stomach and chuckled before I bit my lower lip to contain the smile. 

“So you bothered me and pestered me about condom usage and we ended up getting knocked up anyways.” Jack commented. I gently and playfully pushed his shoulder and shook my head. 

“Oh shut up, Barakat. Looks like that wine room is getting turned into a nursery.” 

“Says you. I was thinking your office would be comfier.” 

I laughed a little and shook my head. “Yes, because we need a wine clubhouse AND a wine closet. Sorry, how dare I?” 

With a smile, Jack helped me up to my feet and held my hand. With his free hand, he picked up my bag and handed it to me. 

“I’m carrying a child and you want me to carry my bag too?” I teased as I reached for it. Quickly, he pulled it back and slung it over his shoulder again. 

“Fine, I look better with it anyways. It’s definitely not your color,” he said and lead the way to the front reception area. 

The way my heart swelled with love and joy told me that I was on a very eventful and joyous journey with my boyfriend and our growing family. 

[siimjaeyun]

Chapter 6: The Tale of Hong Chanmi 

Synopsis: A new girl arrives at Seoul High, and manages to crush your dreams of ever attending Prom with Heeseung. New emotions come afloat, ones that no one is ready to deal with, or well up to when you find yourself with new evidence on the disappearance of the kids from twenty five years ago. 

Series Masterlist 

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“Mom! Cut it out!” The teen boy in his baby blue suit attempted to shove off his mom who insisted on taking more pictures of him before Prom. 

She took one last snapshot before waving him off as he got into the slick black limousine; his date waiting patiently for him inside. 

“I’m so glad you accepted to be my date tonight Johnny.” She scooted closer to him, placing both her head and left hand on his upper chest. 

“Aha, yeah.” Being new to a source of affection threw him off, causing him to chuckle awkwardly. 

“You know this isn’t my first prom...but I think you might be the one Johnny…” A long pause followed afterwards before the guy saw himself swooning over the girl’s flirting attempts. 

She inched closer, pulling offer her rubber mask and demonstrating her green wrinkled skin and purple hair. 

He was gone. 

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“Woah, check out the prom posters.” All of you had arrived safely in one piece to school; Sunoo pointed to the light pink posters on the tan walls. 

“Are you planning to go?” Heeseung turned to ask you, and maybe just maybe, he thought of asking you. 

“Yeah, but I was hoping someone would ask…” 

“Well, good luck with that.” Your chances had gone back to zero. 

Meantime, Jake stood quietly in the background; the last amount of courage leaving his body as he openly observed you attempting to get Heeseung to go with you. 

“Ah, man. Stupid locker.” A voice muttered in the distance, and it caught the attention of Heeseung as he saw a new student struggle with opening their locker. 

“Here, these things tend to get stuck easily.” In a quick manner, he managed to loosen the lock and it came open. 

“Thank you! I’m Chanmi by the way.” She extended her hand to the young boy, who gladly received it. 

“I’m Heeseung!” The rest of you stood waiting in the back, clearly witnessing how the girl was shameless making attempts with him. You clearly didn’t know how to react. Your crush was flirting with another girl, who if you were to be honest, was clearly attractive. 

“Maybe we should get you out of here before you do something stupid.” Crossing your arms, you let Sunghoon drag you away from the scene with Sunoo, Jungwon, and Jake following behind. In the meantime, Jay was in the principal’s office welcoming another new student. 

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“Hey guys.” Jay walked into the auditorium, taking a seat with a young boy in blonde hair trailing behind. 

“This is Niki, they asked me to take him under my wing while he gets used to it.” Sunoo and Jungwon enthusiastically welcomed him, and had practically called dibs on him the moment he took a seat next to him. 

“Where’s Heeseung? I don’t think the trip from English is this long.” You glanced around the room until you saw him coming into the room with new girl Chanmi next to him. An audible crack heard once you heard yourself enter a stage of a heart break. 

“Would now be a good time to get over him?” You asked Sunghoon who was seated next to you, seeing how tears began forming in your eyes. 

“Hey guys, this is Chanmi! I’ve been showing her around.” 

“He’s like my knight in shining armor.” Everyone slowly gagged, of course except Heeseung who was as dense as that one cake that Jungwon tried to bake last week. 

“Everyone, we have a special announcement, we ask people to not go to this week’s prom with ghost girls given the disappearance. That’s all.” Chief Kim left the stage leaving all you free to take off. 

“Need a ride Chanmi?” You didn’t stay back to hear the rest of the conversation; the least thing you wanted to see was your first love falling for someone else. 

“Hey, Jungwon and Sunoo have that cooking class afterschool. How about the rest of us go off to look for more information about those missing kids?” 

“What would I do without you Park Sunghoon?” The four of you took off from the auditorium, stopping for some coffee before returning back to the school later that night. 

------ 

“So let me get this straight, you guys solve mysteries?” Niki had chosen to tag along, curious at the troubles that your group seemed to get yourself into. 

“Pretty much. Trust me, I’m new to this too,” Jay stopped before realizing he wasn’t sure why they were there in the first place, “What is this story about the missing kids anyway?” 

“A couple weeks ago we started getting messages from a so-called JK. While we were researching for Que Horrifico, he sent over a newspaper article of some missing teens who disappeared twenty five years ago. They’re the same ones from y/n’s locket she found in a cave. He said it would lead us to a real mystery.” 

“Here. You and Jake go that way, we’ll head this way.” Sunghoon led the newcomers down to a collection of old books, while you and Jake handled the maps and articles. 

When your collection came to form, an odd thing occurred. All of the data relating to missing kids was gone. Circles and squares were cut out, meaning that someone had gone through it and erased all the data possible from the books and newspapers. 

“Who doesn’t want them found?” Your locket came open and shut when one of the large bookcases came down crashing on the floor. 

In the distance, a shadow quickly moved, and while Jay attempted to chase it down, more and more cases came falling down; whoever it was, they were trying to injure you. 

“Who’s there?” The shadow crept inside the girl’s locker room, leaving you the only one able to track it down. However, the room was empty.  You took a good look in the mirror before a frizzled beast startled you. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Chanmi was positioned behind you, giving you a welcoming smile. 

“No, I thought I saw something, sorry. What are you doing here so late anyway?” 

“The plumbing isn’t at the house yet so I came to freshen up. Well, I’m going to go change. See you tomorrow.” she responded. Your eyes wandered as Chanmi left to the sink, and you turned backwards one more time before seeing the guys waiting outside. 

“Hide over here.” All four of you squatted on the floor, watching the girl’s locker room door. Moments later, Chanmi walked out, almost as if checking if the coast was clear. She opened her locker and in her grasp was a silver key, shining in all glory. 

Her steps carried her to the basement door; her body vanished moments later. 

“Come on, let’s go before someone else tries to kill us.” 

------ 

“I’m telling you, something is up with Chanmi.” 

“Come on, haven’t we all snuck in the basement late at night?” Heeseung tried his best to defend the poor girl who had just arrived, but clearly wasn’t very supported given the perplexed looks on everyone’s faces. 

“I mean we don’t know much about her, could be possible. Haha take that Sunoo!” Niki exclaimed once he saw the pinball enter the target. 

“But-she looks so nice. Her eyes twinkle and her hair smells like peaches.” 

“Heeseung, do you like her?” You asked, not even semi-prepared for the answer. 

“Well if you look at the time, I have to go!” Heeseung caught hold of the keys on the table and fled immediately. 

“Hey you know that chic stealing guys at proms, she’s been doing it for years.” RM caught hold of your attention and used his head to nod at the screen. Endless pictures of boys who have gone missing in the past years, 

“We can’t stand here and do nothing. Let’s go.” You dragged Jay by the arm outside and into his car who somehow managed to fit the other five people into the back seats. 

------- 

“How exactly did you get Chanmi’s address?” 

“I have my ways Yang Jungwon. I have my ways.” Jay, who was in charge of driving the bunch, came to a stop with the GPS claiming he had arrived; he did not however expect to stop at a cemetery. 

“Are you sure that this is the right place?” Niki cautiously, closed the door and found himself slightly terrified at the arrival of a real adventure. 

“I guess we have to split. Sunghoon can go with Jay and Niki, and Jake and I will go with Sunoo and Jungwon.” 

The two groups separated at the first path; moss covered tombstones plagued the hills of grass; it was a cemetery after all. 

Most of the journey was quiet for both groups, but the occasional conversation did surge. For example, both Sunghoon and Jay began to learn more about Niki’s interest in dance, and his past life in Japan. 

The stroll was peaceful-like and the moon in the sky glistened and illuminated them from above. Too entertained by the silly jokes made by their friends, they failed to recognize the shadow that had begun to follow them. Before they knew it, a wrinkled woman jumped from behind a tombstone scaring the trio of friends. 

“Run!” Out of realizing that the two people with him were newbies, he took over getting them to safety while the witch-like creature kept chasing them. 

You on the other hand were having fun; telling Jake all the stupid things you and your friends have done was a great way to keep you from the whole Heeseung situation. Suddenly, Niki by mistake tackled all of you to the floor. When your eyes met the gaze of the creature, you snapped out of it and began sprinting once more. 

A small building-like place awaited you at the top of the next whole; your tired legs barely managing to get you to safety. 

“Quick!” Once Jay accomplished getting into the building, Jake and Sunghoon were able to close the door and waited for the continuous pounding to stop. 

“T-that was close.” Everyone struggled to catch their breaths; given that you were being hunted for a couple miles on end. 

“Huh. Take a look at this. Carswell.” Puzzled, all of you managed to take the top off the bin. 

“Isn’t this Mr.Carswell, the creeper? I thought he was in prison.” Jungwon pulled out a creeper rubber mask, a transfer slip, and finally an old backpack. 

“This transfer slip is from Seoul High.” Sunghoon held it in his fingers, and dropped it when the pounding emerged again. The door opened, and Heeseung was waiting while waving his camera phone in his left hand. 

“Jungwon let me know you guys were here.” You ran to give him a hug, comforted by the idea that he had yet to be abducted. 

“W-we think Chanmi is the monster. She’s planning to steal you!” Heeseung simply grabbed you by the shoulders and looked straight into your eyes. 

“Look, I know this must be about Chanmi asking me to prom. I promise that this won’t change our friendship.” Bitter reality had arrived on a silver platter. Three of your friends looked at the floor; everyone knew you were head over heels for the boy in front of you since middle school. 

“Let’s go home, thanks Heeseung.” Jake bravely stood and wrapped his arm around to comfort you. 

------ 

It was prom night at last. The dream night that most young girls dreamed for had arrived at once; it was a true miracle. Well, it was a dream night for -most- girls. 

“Come on, everyone is waiting for you.” Jay waited by the door frame, noticing the portrait from middle school between your hands. It rang in his head. You liked Heeseung, and he was taking some other girl to your senior year prom. 

“Everyone is downstairs. Let’s go.” Well, mostly everyone anyway. 

Sunghoon was seated with Jake in their navy suits; Sunoo and Jungwon in a burgundy color, and finally Niki and Jay in tan like color. On the other hand, you decided a lilac color was the best way to get you out of the slump you had entered since last night. 

“Now I get why they say girls take so long.” You slapped Sunghoon in the back of the head and headed off to the dance. 

------ 

In the meantime, Heeseung was still trapped in his room upstairs.

Standing in front of the mirror, he debated with himself over the color of his tie; which one would match best with the lilac corsage? A cruel reality settled inside him; lilacs were your favorite flower and he didn’t know why his mind was no longer excited for night. I mean, he had a pretty date. 

The phone that buzzed in his hands snapped him out of his thoughts. He attended it, seeing your latest Instagram post of you at the dance. The lilac-colored dress catching his eyes; how ironic. He swiped through, the last one stopping him in his tracks. Jake close to you, staring into your eyes while your lips curved into a smile. Ironic indeed. 

He wasn’t used to complex emotions, much less the odd sensation that began to creep into his system. Was he really going to spend his senior prom without his friends?  Emphasis on the friends. 

In a haste, he made the decision to call it quits on the date; he canceled the date and went alone. 

------ 

“Yo, Heeseung!” Jay flapped his arms when the tall boy walked in through the doors, without a date surprisingly. 

“Where’s your date Hee?” You asked with a punch cup in your hand. 

“It felt weird to come without you guys.” Internally, Heeseung hoped you wouldn’t pester him with any more emotions; he was thrilled when all eight of you made your way to the dance floor. 

Niki and Jay burst out into a full dance battle and it left the party to cheer loudly through the pounding music that played for the dancers. The atmosphere was dazzling, and everybody was having fun. 

The chaotic environment began settling down and so the slow song appeared; every confused lover’s worst nightmare. 

The younger trio which included Niki, Jungwon, and Sunoo stood in a circle, swaying their hands left and right to the rhythm of the song. It left the rest of you to stand by and observe in the comfort of your own group. Was now a good opportunity for the two love confused boys to gain courage? 

Heeseung was still conflicted by these new emotions; in his mind you were his friend. So why did you not appear to be his just friend tonight? 

“Want to dance?” 

Jake took hold of your hands when you gave him the go; Heeseung retreated back the original two steps he mustered the confidence to take. 

A soft melody engulfed your ears as you stared into Jake’s eyes. Had he always been like this? Your bodies moved in synchronization with the beat; you found yourself getting lost into what seemed like a friendly intention. 

Sunghoon and Jay both were attentive to what was occurring; a mix-up of feelings had occurred before their very noses. Who liked who was unclear? 

“Rough times buddy.” Sunghoon patted his back and Jay, trying to alleviate some of the tension noticeable in Heeseung’s figure, mimicked the younger trio’s swaying dance. 

Everything was well, or well until a loud cackling was heard through the speaker system. 

“I hope you saved a dance for me, Heeseung!” All of the students fled from the gym; who would want to be part of a monster show down anyway. 

The eight of you that remained ran as well, trying to find a way to avoid the witch from the cemetery. 

“Isn’t that Chanmi’s locker?” You rapidly opened the locker, taking possession of the silver key you witnessed the other day. 

“Follow me.” Inserting the key into the hole, the doorknob twisted letting you hide inside the basement. 

The basement had a light fire in the background, but it managed to brighten up the room. 

“Uhh..” Niki gave out an awkward stutter before showing you an old creeper mask and Chanmi’s school clothes. 

“Niki found his first clue, I’m so proud.” Sunoo wiped a fake tear from his eyes, and in the meantime Heeseung ran out of the basement; he was going to build himself a trap. 

------- 

The crinkled witch re-appeared in the gym, pausing at seeing Heeseung stand in the center with arms extended forward. She leaped towards him, but when she did, the disco ball came down onto her, capturing her hands in a set of plastic zip ties. 

“Heeseung, didn’t you hear me? I told you to not to go with a ghost girl to prom!” Mayor Lee stepped into the room with Chief Kim, amused at the scene in front of them. 

“She’s no ghost girl dad, she’s Hong Chanmi.” 

“More like Chanmi Carlswell.” Jungwon responded. 

“As in Mr.Carswell, the creeper?” Chief Kim asked with a hand on his chin. 

“That’s right! When you guys imprisoned him the past summer, I vowed to take revenge. I used the old creeper costume to construct my own and mimic the story of the ghost girl. I kidnapped Johnny and kept him in the cemetery building to keep people off. My plan was to then take out your oldest member, Heeseung. And it would have worked, if it wasn’t for you meddling...school..mates of mine.” 

------ 

All of you stared as you saw the reflection of Chanmi through the police car window; it faded moments after when the car left. 

“Hey they forgot her backpack!” Jake picked up the bag and my mistake dropped the book inside onto the floor. 

“This is an old Seoul High yearbook.” Sunghoon dusted off the front cover, and turned to the book marked page. 

 “It’s them, the kids who disappeared.” Eight boxes on the top displayed with a group photograph on the bottom confirmed that it was the same story sent by JK. 

“Check out the caption...Kim Daniel, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Kim Namjoon, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Park Yena, and Jeon Jungkook...Seoul High’s mystery solvers club, Mystery Co.” 

“I like that name, mystery co.” Sunoo gazed at the page a little longer. 

“Those kids are just like us.” 

“The thing is, why did they disappear?” Had this been the mystery you were warned of before? 

------ 

Chanmi waited patiently on the mattress, swinging her legs back and forth until the gates of her cell opened. 

“Took you long enough.” 

“Is it taken care of?” A broad shouldered man now was in her sight, hands in his pockets.

“They bought the story. Will be a while before they realize Mr. Carswell never had a daughter.” 

“And the yearbook?” 

“In the backpack like you mentioned. I still don’t get why you didn’t just give it to them directly.” 

The man escorted her into the limo, and looked at her directly. 

“JK hired you to do this job, you don’t need to know everything. Let’s just say he needs them to start looking for the real mystery underneath Seoul City. One that drove away eight teens into their disappearance. It is time. ” 

------ 

Next- Chapter 7: Medieval times  

Taglist:

@softkons @nikisboxysmile

Side Note: Yay, Niki is finally introduced :) Send an ask to the added to the tag list! <3 

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On the Edge of Dreams - LBSC SFC

Written for the LBSC sprint fic challenge. If you’d like to join in follow @lovebugs-and-snakecharmers for more information!

Challenge rules:

Pick a prompt and write for that prompt in up to three 15 minute sprints. No writing outside the sprints until you have completed all three! After the 3 sprints are complete, you have 24 hours to edit (which can include some new writing to smooth transitions, etc). After those 24 hours, post what you’ve got!

Prompt: "Oh no, s/he’s hot!” 

More information on the challenge here!

It was a simple order. Nothing complicated about it. A large dark roast with room. He’d ordered it a thousand times, could do it without thought. Or at least, so he would have said until today. 

But the truly stunning pair of blue eyes across the counter from him was blinking in confusion, thanks to the incomprehensible mixture of French, English, and Scots he’d just spouted.

His eyes zeroed in on the lovely set of lips as they parted, hesitated, and then spoke. “I’m sorry, I...didn’t quite catch that?” 

Luka blinked and cleared his throat, feeling the blush heating up his face as he dragged his gaze back up to meet hers. “I’m sorry, it’s—I’m not a morning person. I think I left my brain in bed.” 

She smiled, and damn if she wasn’t the prettiest girl he’d ever laid eyes on, perfect skin and gorgeous eyes and those lips were— 

Speaking to him. Shit. “—all the time. Do you want to try again?”

Luka somehow managed to give his order correctly this time, and nearly fainted at the giggle she let out as she picked up the cup to write his order. 

His eyes flicked to her nametag. Marinette.

“That’s my name,” she said, and Luka’s eyes shot up to her face again. “I asked for yours?” 

“Sorry,” Luka repeated hurriedly. “Luka. My name’s Luka.”

“Can you spell it for me or is that too much to ask before you’ve had a chance to drink it?” she asked with a playful wink, and it was really a wonder his knees didn’t give out on him. 

“Sure,” he said weakly, and spelled it for her (correctly, mercifully). She smiled at him and turned aside to start making his drink. Luka also turned away slightly in the other direction, pretending to look in the pastry case as he tried to catch his breath and get his bearings again. Damn, wasn’t this just his luck, face to face with a beautiful girl and him in wrinkled clothes and mussed hair looking like—well, he hoped he looked like he’d just pulled an all-nighter, and not like he’d been doing something far seedier. 

He checked the time, and had to blink a couple of times before the numbers came into full focus. He really needed that coffee.

“You’re an angel,” he groaned as she set it on the display case in front of him. 

“Careful, it’s—” she winced as he put the cup to his lips, but Luka was long past caring how hot the coffee was. He took a burning gulp and made a face before offering the girl— Marinette , he remembered—a lopsided smile. 

“If I don’t get it down now I’m going to pass out on your steps,” he joked, and his smile grew a little wider when she laughed. 

“You look it,” she said, propping her elbows up on the case and peering at him over it. “I hope the coffee helps. Can I offer you anything else?”

“I wouldn’t say no to a place to crash on your floor,” Luka joked, moving over to add cream and sugar to his coffee. “But it’d be kind of a waste to work on that damn paper all night and then pass out before I have a chance to turn it in, so coffee it is.” He snorted softly. “Who wants paper copies in this day and age anyway, really?” he muttered, and then blushed when he turned around to find the girl giggling at him over the top of the pastry case. 

“Well, good luck,” she said, leaning her chin on one hand. “Make sure you double-check the mailbox number before you put it in. Ask me how I know.” She made a face.

Luka laughed as he went to the door. “Good tip. Thanks for the coffee, Marinette. I’m sure I’ll see you again.” 

He fumbled the door handle when she smiled—and blushed. 

He made her blush.

Luka wasn’t sure if he was more embarrassed by the goofy grin on his face or the way he tripped on the ledge of the door on the way out because he hadn’t looked away from that adorable blushy smile. 

At least he managed to keep his coffee from spilling.

***

Three more times he visited the bakery that week, but each time he ordered his coffee from an older lady with a kind smile. She was nice enough, but Luka had been hoping to see Marinette again.

He came in the next week without much hope, but perked up as he saw Marinette behind the counter. His smile faded slightly though as she stood swaying on her feet. Her hair wasn’t messy but definitely not as tidy as before, and he could see the slight creases of makeup caked around her eyes as he approached, covering dark shadows, he was sure. Luka was at the counter and had to call her name twice before her gaze snapped up to his and she blinked rapidly. 

“Oh,” she gasped, “I’m so sorry. Um, what can I get you?”

Luka ordered (correctly, and entirely in French this time) and added, as Marinette moved sluggishly to pick up the cup, “Should I make that two? You look like you need it more than I do this morning.” 

Marinette shot him a tired smile that was still unbearably cute. “I probably do. I was working on a project all last night and I really couldn’t ask Mom to cover another shift for me, she’s been taking my shifts all week. It’s done now, so I can struggle through and—” She paused, staring at the cup in her hand. “Sorry, what am I making again?”

Luka chuckled and leaned on the counter as he repeated the order. She finished writing it on the cup that time, and Luka thought she breathed a sigh of relief at the simplicity of it. 

“I’m serious,” Luka told her, and she looked at him in slight confusion. “I really will buy you a coffee if you need it.” 

“Oh, that’s very kind, but I’ve already had some. Just waiting for it to kick in. I actually don’t care much for coffee most of the time but it was definitely necessary this morning.” 

She set the cup on the counter in front of him and smiled. “Thanks for being patient with me, Luka.” 

“It’s not like it’s hard,” he said stupidly, a little dazzled. She was adorable, even half-dead. “I hope you get some rest,” he added, as he took his coffee to add the cream and sugar. 

“I will,” she shrugged with a tired smile. “Eventually.” 

Luka took his coffee and left. 

***

The next time he went to the bakery, he nearly ran into Marinette coming out of the door.

“Woah,” he said, catching her shoulders to keep her from falling. She put her hands out automatically to keep herself from impacting his chest. 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she said quickly, snatching her hands back and blushing to the roots of her hair. “Wow, you’re um. Strong. Sorry, I’m so sorry, I was going way too fast and I should have been looking and I didn’t hurt you, right?” 

Luka nearly laughed at the thought. “No, I’m good,” he smiled, letting go of her shoulders. “Are you?” 

“Fine,” she squeaked, turning redder by the minute. 

“You sure?” Luka couldn’t help asking, tilting his head slightly. That shade really couldn’t be healthy.

“I’m fine, everything’s fine, I slam right into hot guys all the time, not a big deal at all and definitely nothing to get embarrassed and start babbling like an idiot over, nope, I’m all—all good.” She whined and put her hands over her face. 

Luka had to take a second to get his bearings after that flood, but then a slow grin spread across his face. “Well, I can’t say I’m lucky enough to have to catch a hot girl all that often, but so far I’m not minding the experience.” 

Marinette sputtered something completely unintelligible, and Luka chuckled, reaching in his pocket and fishing out a card. It was nothing fancy, just a slim black and white card with a website and instagram information on it that Rose had printed up at home, but today he was glad he was carrying them. 

“This is the band I play with,” Luka said, giving her the card. “I’d love to run into you at a show sometime.” He grinned. “Literally or figuratively, either works for me.” 

He stepped aside to clear her path as Marinette stared at him. “Maybe we can get not-coffee afterward.” Luka winked at her and went into the bakery, and then, glancing behind him to make sure he was clear, he covered his own face and fought down his internal panic at his boldness. 

“Can I help you?” said an amused voice, and Luka jerked slightly before dropping his hands and staring at the older lady behind the counter—Marinette’s mother, he suddenly remembered with embarrassment. 

“Um, yeah. I mean, yes, please.” 

At least...that was what he meant to say. The confused look on the lady’s face mirrored Marinette’s from a couple weeks ago. 

Luka sighed.

[trillian-anders]

first blood

pairing: ransom drysdale x reader

warnings:  angst, general asshole-ness.

word count: 4.6k  

description: part 3 of 5. how did you become ransom’s glorified babysitter? and why the fuck are you keeping this job? who knows. you hate it, you hate him, but... the money. 

note: tumblr is being super shitty rn so I can only post on mobile, but I really wanted to get this off my desk! will add a read more and properly link later 💕

prequel to the assistant && four christmases, spoiler free loves. 

You have to do this.

You have to do this.

You have to do this.

You don’t think your eyes will ever feel normal again. They were dry and scratchy. There were no more tears to shed. You’d buried your Mom two months ago, but you didn’t know how it would ever feel okay. She did everything for you and Julia. Everything. She worked hard, made pretty good money, allowed you to have a part time job and just focus on school. Julia was in this really nice private school, she played the cello now for fucks sake. She had friends and was talking about maybe starting soccer soon, but after funeral costs and your sister’s tuition the life insurance money was running out.

You had to sell the house.

You’d moved the two of you into a small apartment right outside of Chinatown. Not the safest area, but not the most unsafe either. You’d be fine. You had each other, and she needed you to do this. You had to do this.

For her.

You sat uncomfortably in the cheap office chair, sitting across from a woman with too many papers on her desk, everything sloppily arranged around a couple of potted succulents and a framed picture of her and her three kids, no spouse.

“So your last job was in tutoring?” She asked you. You shifted nervously in your seat, nodding your head,

“Yeah, I tutored a high school student in English and Math.” You needed some water. The cheap pencil skirt and blouse you were wearing made your skin itch. She types into her computer some more.

“So why are you here?” She asked, “Why not continue tutoring?” A few more clicks and then more typing.

“The family I worked for paid me pretty well,” You admitted, “But she’s graduating this year and they didn’t need me anymore, I don’t really,” You cleared your throat, “I don’t really have much job experience outside of that and I need to start making money now… I’ve put out job applications but haven’t really gotten any luck.” Not with the income you needed anyway. The woman nodded. The plaque on her desk said her name is Stacy Chandler.

“Alright, here you are.” A printed page, address, date, and time. A job. Clerical work. Data entry. You have to do this...

-

“How was your last day of school?” Julia sat heavily at the kitchen table, backpack slumped on the floor next to her. She buried her face in her arms.

“I’m never going again.” Came muffled from her mouth. She lifted her head to look at you. The beginnings of puberty. You’d recently gone bra shopping for the first time. Real ones, no more training bras. You’d recently taken her to the dermatologist for her acne, but she’s not good at remembering to put on the expensive creams you bought. What a hard time. You don’t envy her.

“Luckily for you,” You smiled, placing a fudgy brownie in front of her, “You don’t have to go back for three whole months!” She rolled her eyes heavily, taking the brownie and disappearing into her room presumably to sit on her computer until dinner.

She was feeling the absence of your Mother just as you were. You weren’t sure what to do here. You loved your sister and you know she loves you too, but in the last few months it’s just been closed doors and a few parting sentences. Only because you had to work so much. Only because she spent a lot of time at friend’s houses where you’d think she would feel normal for a while. It would help ease the burden of being in your mid-twenties and suddenly feeling like a single mother. Of course you can sleep over at Mila’s house, her family is going to their cabin for the weekend of course you can go!

You didn’t know what to do other than keeping her in school and alive. You weren’t ready for this. But the only other option was your estranged aunt who reeked of mothballs and was constantly asking you if you were married, or dating, or ‘You’re Mother wouldn’t have wanted this’. No. It was very clear that your Mom wanted the two of you to stay together, and that’s how it’s going to be.

This summer she was going to spend with her friend Mila at their family’s lake house. Mila’s mother was a stay at home mom with six kids under the age of 12 and would be planning to spend the summer pintresting activities and projects with them while simultaneously getting out of her stuffy-old 10 bedroom, 8 bathroom mansion. Lucky her. Lucky Julia.

The apartment would be empty without the 12-year-old pre-teen for three months, but Julia has really been looking forward to it. Her bags were packed and ready by the door.

You hugged her tightly in front of Mila’s house, burying your face in her hair, partially not wanting her to go, but otherwise knowing that she’s going to have a better time than you could ever provide her. “Okay, you can let me go now.” She shifted in your arms, trying to pull away.

“Just another minute.” You mumbled, pulling her in tighter. “I’m gonna miss you.” She laughed,

“I’m gonna miss you too.” The two of you pulled apart and you tucked her hair behind her ears, cupping her sweet face.

“I love you,” You said very seriously, “If you ever want to come home just-”

“I’ll let you know.” She was getting impatient, the car Mila’s mom was taking to the lake house, a beautifully large black Range Rover sat packed next to you, they were waiting. “I love you too.” She slowly backed away towards the car.

“If she gets homesick, my husband still comes back every week for work so he can bring her home if need be,” Andrea was her name, Mila’s Mom. “She’ll be fine.” Andy was really nice. She made a lot of the food the two of you had eaten in the early days after your Mom’s death. Her gentle reassurance soothed you slightly. It made driving away a little easier, but it didn’t stop the tears that fell as you entered your apartment, alone. For the first time in a while. You didn’t have to hold it in anymore.

You sunk down against your front door, staring out into your living room, tears rolling down your cheeks in the silence of the home. Dirty shoes lined up against the wall, throw blanket hanging halfway off the couch, dirty dishes from breakfast still in the sink, and somewhere you’re sure under all of it was the will to pick yourself back up.

You just didn’t know if you were ready for that quite yet.

But you did it anyway.

More clerical work. More data entry. More bills going half paid and others being ignored all together. Student loans you didn’t even want to think about from a school where you hadn’t even graduated. Medical bills you didn’t even know where to begin paying back, itchy stockings, and uncomfortable shoes. With every day that passed you reexamined your life. How did you get here?

A new job, a new office. Temp assigned, but you knew who worked here. The building that housed it stood tall against the Boston skyline. Contemporary. You sat comfortably in a cushy office chair. The plaque on the desk read Linda Drysdale, CEO. And you waited.

You hadn’t seen the Thrombey’s, let alone the Drysdale branch of the family, for five months. Zero contact. Joni had talked to you last, thanking you for helping Meg, but also trying to sell you eye cream. “You really should invest in taking better care of yourself.” Which was her kind way of trying to tell you that you look old. Thanks.

You couldn’t imagine what Linda would want you for. You’d been doing some filing, they were transferring all of their documents to digital and hired extra help to do so, you were one of three hired from your particular temp agency, but yesterday she had called you personally and asked you to come in for an appointment today at 3 pm. And here you are.

Waiting.

There was a portrait of her family on the wall. Linda herself sitting in a high backed intricate chair, her husband Richard standing to her right, and to her left was her son, Hugh. He went by his middle name Ransom. They were stone faced, serious looking. This painting seemed ridiculous. If you didn’t know the Thrombey’s you’d think it was there to be ironic, as a joke, a play on what rich families were like.

But they were a rich family, and this is what they were like.

Linda was self-serving. She only ever talked to you when it suited her own interests and as soon as she was satisfied she would quickly direct her attention somewhere else, to someone more important. She used you to get what she wanted and when you served her purpose you were gone. She had no time for anyone, only her father. Anything for Harlan.

Richard was a predator. He was always making an uncomfortable comment about either your body or your face. He stood uncomfortably close at times and liked to settle a hand on the small of your back. He was a well kept man, throwing his wife’s money around like it was his own. He kept a money clip of hundreds in his pocket.

Ransom was a piece of shit. He was a self-centered egotistical asshole who was sure to make your life a living hell every time he saw you. There was always a comment, a jab at your clothes, your hair, the fact that you are poor. He once ‘accidentally’ threw your cardigan away because, “I thought it was one of those fucking rags you dust with, I didn’t want it touching my burberry.” He, like his father, felt predatory. Something about being a rich white man just really got them going, and the money clip with the hundreds… a learned habit.

“Alright,” Linda’s voice came from the doorway, you turned slightly in your seat. She was on the phone, “Well we will send Michael out to show them the properties instead, I’m sure we’ll find something they like.” She gave you a finger, hold on, even though you’d been sitting here patiently waiting for her for close to twenty minutes now. “Okay,” She continued, “Sounds good.” Sitting down in her chair, tapping a few keys to illuminate her computer screen. “Alright now, bye-bye.” She took her phone from her ear, looking down at the screen before placing it face down on the desk and smiling at you.

You knew that smile. She wanted something.

“So, Y/N right?” You nodded, “I see you’re looking for work.”

“Well, I’m with a temp agency right now but-”

“Would you like something a little more permanent?” A permanent job? The Thrombey’s had paid you very well to tutor Meg, better than you were making now. Granted you had only worked 15 hours a week when you were tutoring her, so $20 an hour didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but if they were looking for something, anything full time…

“Absolutely,” You smiled, shifting in your seat, “I’ve had trouble being hired because my-”

“Okay so you’re going to need Ransom’s number, and you’ll start tomorrow.” Your smile dropped.

“Ransom needs a tutor?” You asked skeptically. She laughed.

“No, he needs an assistant.” She gestured towards herself, “I can’t keep telling him when or where to be for family events and he has a fairly active social life so I’m gifting him an assistant for his birthday.” Oh.

“I uhm,” You really didn’t want to work for Ransom. You REALLY didn’t want to work for Ransom. “How much would it…?” You trailed off nervously.

“My father paid you $20 an hour to tutor Meg, yes?” She asked, typing something into her computer, no longer looking at you.

“Yes, he did.” You moved trying to see what she was typing without bringing too much attention to it. She was drafting an email.

“So I’ll pay you the same. Ransom will set hours for you and decide what days of the week he’ll need you and what else he wants you to do,” She waved her hand dismissively, “Cleaning, cooking, whatever.” She scribbled on a post-it before peeling and handing it to you. “Here’s his number and address, you can go over the particulars of your job tomorrow morning.” You opened your mouth to speak again, ask her the million and one questions you have but before you could say anything she dismissed you, “That is all.” She said. And she was done with you.

She got what she wanted. And now she wanted you to leave.

So you did.

“Well,” He grinned, “Linda really scooped you up from the bottom of the barrel, huh?” You stood on Ransom’s front porch. The only texts you sent and received last night were ‘What time do you need me to be there?’ and an hour later the reply of ‘11’. The scumbag was standing in the doorway, leant against the frame, looking down on you. In more than one way.

“Can I come in?” You asked. You really didn’t want to do this. But a $12 an hour temp job versus $20 hour stability… hard to beat. He smirked, pushing off the frame before looking you up and down, turning to disappear into the house.

“Take off your shoes.” What a fucking joke. His house was a mess. Clothes thrown haphazardly around, a pile of dishes not in the sink, but on the counter. Abandoned cups, tv was rolling on in the background, some political documentary. The house, while contemporary and clean, well kept on the outside. The inside looked like a frat house during rush week. You didn’t want to take off your shoes in fear that you’d step in vomit or something worse.

He grinned off to the side, “Had some people over last night.” He explained, drinking what looked like orange juice from a coffee mug. The vodka bottle that was capless on the counter led you to believe that orange juice wasn’t the only thing in the cup. “You can start by cleaning up.” He gestured around, sinking back down into the sofa. “I’m sure I’ll think of something else you can do when you’re done.” The fucking prick.

You shut the door a little heavier than intended, slipping your sneakers off and placing them by the door. “You’ve got a laundry room?” You asked, he didn’t look away from the television,

“Basement.” And he was done with you too. The tone was very, don’t talk to me. Which honestly you were grateful for.

You cleaned up his messes, the red solo cups that littered almost every surface in every room, laundry was running in the basement, dishwasher working hard to sanitize the first round of plates and cups that could fit, the others waiting patiently in the sink as you wipe counters and dusted picture frames, the thick film of unappreciation. He didn’t care about his house, his furniture, the art that cost more than your apartment that lined his walls. His clothes, while having an extensive closet, some were threadbare and with holes.

He didn’t care.

And it made you angry.

You thought of the furniture you were able to keep from your Mother’s house, well oiled and kept. No scratches. The fabrics of the couches and chairs carefully cleaned and maintained.

His sheets were stained and you were unsure when the last time he had washed them actually was. The dampness made you gag. It wasn’t long before you were cleaning under his feet. His ankles crossed and feet resting on the coffee table as you straightened the area around him. You felt his eyes on you, briefly, but ignored it.

“Do you have any real clothes?” He asked suddenly. He stood from the sofa, rounding it to pull the vodka bottle back out from the cabinet you’d placed it in, pouring heavily into the coffee mug before leaving the bottle and the orange juice carton he followed with next to it.

“These are real clothes.” You stated, coming behind him to put the items away. He scoffed,

“I’m important,” He claimed, “I go to parties, events.” He took a large mouthful of the screwdriver he’d just made, “You can’t wear clothes like that if you’re gonna be babysitting me the whole time.” You rolled your eyes,

“I don’t have to go. You set my hours, I don’t-”

“As much as I love the whole, ‘I’m poor and don’t care what I look like’, thing you have going on,” Ransom laughed, “You’re gonna be around me, and as a reflection of me, you need to look presentable.” He gestured to the demin shorts a t-shirt you were currently wearing, mismatched socks on your feet. You felt your face flush. “And slap a little makeup on.” You rolled your eyes at that. Fucking dick. He smirked when you didn’t reply, turning back around to leave you and disappeared upstairs.

He didn’t come down for a while. In that time you’d finished cleaning the living area, the house looking a complete 180 from where it had been when you’d originally entered, it was nearing dinner time. Your stomach was growling and you’d realized you had been cleaning for five hours without stopping.

You didn’t get to enjoy the sense of accomplishment because Ransom came down the stairs not a moment later, dressed for his evening. If you didn’t hate him so much you’d drool. He looked good. Patterned slacks, chelsea boots, a lightweight white button down, blazer over one arm. “Let’s go.” He said, not stopping on his way towards the front door.

“Where are we going?” You felt gross, covered in grime from cleaning, sweat dried on your skin you knew you probably didn’t smell amazing, hair frizzed up in a bun. He didn’t answer you, continuing outside. You sighed heavily, throwing the pair of socks you’d just matched back into the laundry basket before slipping your shoes on and following him outside.

“C’mon!” He yelled from the front seat of his beamer, sunglasses on his nose, he was annoyed with you. Whatever. You sat heavily in his passenger seat, the dickwad not even giving you time to close the door before he was speeding down the driveway.

“Where are we going?” You asked again. One hand on the wheel, the other’s fingertips brushing against his lower lip he looked at you from behind his sunglasses.

“To dinner.” He smirked, looking back towards the road as you merged onto the interstate.

He was a fucking asshole. If you hadn’t thought he was before you definitely knew now. You were surprised the hostess even let you into this place. It was expensive, and you were very, very underdressed. Point taken Ransom. Thank you. Fucking prick.

He took glances at you ever so often, seated a few feet away from him at the long banquet style table that housed all of his ‘friends.’ Gorgeous women and equally as gorgeous men who had money to burn. You weren’t sure any of these people have ever worked a day in their life, much like Ransom himself. You’d met a few of them before, briefly, when Ransom would show up and ask Harlan for money before disappearing for a week, one or two of them would be in tow bragging about going on some guy’s yacht or flying out to some private island.

Regardless, they weren’t talking to you. You were a strange interloper, easily ignored, but only after a few poked fun at the stray dog at Ransom’s heels. It only stung a little bit when he laughed with them. You were wildly uncomfortable. You poked at your deconstructed salad, the little bits lined neatly up on the plate, a smear of salad dressing beside it. This menu was ridiculous. Why were you here again? You were so hungry and this was not your speed at all. Ransom’s booming laugh met your ears and you could feel the anger rising in your chest.

Fucking asshole. You hoped he would choke on one of the olives in his martini. His eyes met yours momentarily and he smirked. He fucking smirked, cheersing you with his martini before it met his lips again. You could kill him right now.

The money.

The money.

Technically you were still working. As the sun set behind the horizon. You’d been at work, technically, for about 10 hours. That’s $200. Okay, you can do this. You can do this.

You know he did this to embarass you. He made it clear when you’d pull up to the restaurant to give you a taunting look. Whether the dinner was already planned or he had planned it after the conversation about clothes and makeup earlier was anyone’s guess. You had the feeling it was the latter.

He’d paid the bill after all.

The entirety of it.

You’d wished you’d ordered more.

Afterward a giggling girl took your place in the front seat, you glared at the back of her head from the back seat,

“Ransom.” She whined, leaning over in her seat to press her lips to his neck, “I want you to fuck me.” Lips around his ear, sucking the lobe into her mouth. You shifted your gaze to the window, the city landscape passing your eyes as you’d pulled into another valet parking, a bar this time. A nice one.

Ransom and the bubbly girl from the car ride over slipped hastily into the bathroom, he’d sent you a dark look before leaving you to your own devices. Looking over the cocktail list while sitting uncomfortably on a bar stool while your boss was fucking a girl who’d laughed at you for being a ‘dog’ earlier in the bathroom of a bar that had a $20 old fashioned and their most expensive wine came with a thousand dollar price tag.

“You lost?” Another smirking asshole, sidled up next to you at the bar as you took a sip from the beautifully balanced old fashioned you’d tacked onto Ransom’s tab. He was handsome, the guy bothering you, almost everyone in this room was handsome. The lights low and romantic, candles on every table and across the bar, soft music played from the piano across the room where a man sat gently stroking the melodies to create the ambiance of the room. Close, cozy, romantic, and dark enough to forget yourself in.

“Oh c’mon honey.” The man slipped onto the barstool, thighs spread wide around you as you face away from him, his hand meeting your back. “I can help you find what you’re looking for.” His breath reeked of alcohol. You glanced over at him,

“I’m fine thank you.” Another sip, damn this drink was good. He chuckled, moving in closer, drifting a hand down to your thigh.

“Don’t be like that.” He laughed, “You obviously don’t belong here honey.” His hand traced your bare thigh, “You’ve gotta be wanting some company.”

Ransom had returned face flushed and you could almost see a tiny bit of white on his nose, but it was quickly rubbed away. He sat on the opposite end of the bar, the girl from earlier taking his lap. He looked down at you briefly, he had to have seen how uncomfortable you were, how this guy was breathing down your neck. He ignored it, ordering a drink from the bartender.

“I don’t want any company,” You shoved the man’s hand away, “Have a great night.” He leaned back in his seat, downing his drink before leaning back over to put his face in yours.

“Fucking ugly bitch.” He spat, standing from the stool, “Tryna give you a little charity here, you could've at least been grateful.” You wanted to leave. He shoved your shoulder slightly as he walked away from you, no doubt going to bother some other unsuspecting woman in his radius.

You needed some air, taking the last sip of your drink you’d scooted back from the bar, walking by Ransom to take your exit, walking out into the summer night. It was early summer. It was still only 60 at night. A chill went through you. You hadn’t expected to be out so late, the comfortable denim shorts and old ratty t shirt you’d chosen to wear had obviously been a mistake for this day. Ransom made sure to make you see that.

The bar was on the harbor, and it brought in a breeze that caused goosebumps to rise on your skin. You checked your phone, the battery almost dead. Julia had been texting you periodically, but not as much as you would have liked. You scrolled through the most recent messages, you asking how her trip was going and what she was up to and her stilted replies. She was busy you supposed. She didn’t need you, but right now you really needed her.

This night has been a massive blow to your self-esteem. You’d never felt more ugly and unwanted in your life. You just wanted to go home, but Ransom wasn’t done yet. You looked at him from the window, his fingers were gone between that girl’s thighs, they were both drinking expensive cocktails, completely oblivious to you.

He’d watched you exit, not giving it much thought it seemed, because he hadn’t made any motion to bring the night to a close, but you weren’t really expecting him to. It was Ransom’s world and you were just living in it. You worked for him. And you wondered if this is how every day is going to be from here on out. You really don’t know if you could do this forever, but you knew you didn’t want to go back inside.

So you didn’t.

Thankfully Ransom stumbled out about thirty minutes later, girl from earlier on his arm. “Let’s go.” He said. Valet pulling the beamer around he threw you the keys, “Take me home.”

He sunk down in the back seat, high and drunk. His words almost incoherent. Her’s were no better. They sloppily attacked each other in the back seat, indecently. And you were pointedly looking anywhere but in the rearview. Soft grunts and moans made you uncomfortable for the fourth time that night. Your skin crawling in unease as the girl’s giggles turned into breathy moans. Your foot sunk against the gas pedal in hopes you’d get back to his home faster, tears welling up in your eyes. The cry on the way home was going to be so good. So cathartic.

The gravel crunching against the wheels of the car was a sweet relief, so was the haste in which you left the keys in the car, running and skipped to your own car. His eyes met yours through the darkness as he was leant up against his car door, slacks loose around his hips, the girl’s lips attached to his neck as her hand worked quickly between his thighs. He smirked, waving a sarcastic ‘good-bye’. You turned your eyes to the road, cranking up the radio as you began to cry.

You didn’t want to do this anymore.

A text came through right as you finally laid down in your own bed, snuggling into the covers, ready to forget the night.

See you at 9.

.

.

.

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[queerchoicesblog]

The Cage Of Fools

Hiya, folks! So, as previously announced, the wlw writing project continues after a break with a miniseries set back in the City of Lights - & Love - at the time of the Belle Epoque, at the turn of the century.

What does Élodie has in store for Léa? Find out in today’s chapter!

Hope you enjoy it: if you do, please consider spreading the word!

Next chapter out on Friday, I think!

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions to homophobia, violence

Tagging: @scottishqueer​

Previous chapters: Paris, Paris ; One Night At The Moulin Rouge , The Handkerchief

_______________________

As I wait for her, I look around, savouring the magic atmosphere of the Moulin Rouge backstage. The mix of sweat, champagne and perfume, the lively murmur coming from behind the velvet curtains...it's like being in a world of its own. A crazy secret world where you forget about the other one, outside these walls. Your miseries, the money in your pocket which is never enough, your sorrow. They're not admitted here, this place forges dreams only. It's so different from the atelier or where I live... The door of the changing room opens up again and the sound of laughters and a bottle being popped open comes from the inside. Élodie steps out just as I turn: she changed and is now wearing more ordinary clothes. I notice that she still keeps the handkerchief in her pocket. "Thank you for your patience, my dear" she smiles, approaching with a coat in her hands. "Not joining the party?" I ask, nodding at room she has just left. She looks back for a moment then meets my gaze again and shrugs. "Not tonight"

I'm a bit confused but she's probably tired. Maybe she had a long day too and can't wait to go home and crash to bed. She just asked me to stay out of politeness, maybe for my gift... I gesture her to let me help her putting on her coat. "What way are you heading? Maybe I can walk with you for-" I start but she cuts me short. "Actually I was hoping you would join me for a drink" she says, turning to face me again. "It's too early to go to sleep and I would love some company" She takes a pauses then flashes me an encouraging smile. "If you want to, that is" I'm surprised by her invitation. Me, the seamstress getting a drink with a dancer of the Moulin Rouge? I heard stories of spectators who would fight, maybe even duel for their attention or an invitation from a woman like her and now...this? Me? I try to snap out of it but before I can formulate a single word -and thought-, she speaks again as if reading my mind. "I won't insist if you can't but you've been so kind to me, travelling all the way here to bring me back my handkerchief. And I'd love to get to know you better, seamstress-poet" Her voice softens imperceptibly when she pronounces the epithet she gave me when we first met, in this very same corridor one week ago: seamstress-poet. I still hardly feel like a poet but I feel flattered: it's the second time she used it tonight as if she was quite...fond of it. And she remembered my name too. I'm quite tired to be honest, the hard work of the past few days is kicking in and for some reason my mind goes back to Marie, who's probably now sitting alone at the dinner table after saving some stew for me. She will be worried if I come home too late...yet I find the invitation alluring. And the brave, patient smile on Élodie's lips makes it even harder to decline her offer. "Yes, sure, why not?" I sigh, smiling shyly. "I'm not sure I can stay long but I'd love to". I button up my coat and Élodie claps her hands, her face brightening up. "Marvellous! Drinks on me, no arguing" she winks. Then she wraps her arm around mine and we walk into the court that leads to the main street. The moon is almost full up there in the sky and looks like she's bashfully hiding behind a veil of clouds: what made her so shy tonight? I shake my head at my silly thoughts. The night is cold, I wonder if the temperature will go below zero during the night: thank God tomorrow is my day off, I won't have to sew in miserable conditions. "So, where to, my dear friend?" Élodie asks. "Do you know any good place to go?" An inviting warmth spreads from her arm linked to mine, from our proximity. I don't have to hug myself to shake away the cold. "Mmh...I know a bar in Montmarte. I usually go there with my friends" I say, considering. "With the nice boy who lead you backstage and is not your boyfriend?" she teases, playfully. "Very well then, lead the way, mademoiselle!" I oblige but I stop after a moment. I frown: I completely forgot today's the closing day. Even a week ago we had to go somewhere else, but I can't remember where. I just followed the boys, still drunk of the wondrous performance at the Moulin. Élodie reassures me not to worry about it, we will come up with something. She grabs her chin and looks around, pondering options. After a moment, she turns back to me. "I know a spot, it's not far actually" she says and I get the feeling that she's a bit nervous now even if she tries to look cheerful as usual. "It's probably a bit different from the bars you're used to" "I'm no high-maintenance" I chuckle since she makes it sounds like I'm used to fine things, finer at least. "And I've never been in a bar at Pigalle" The thought thrills me: I know there are places I could afford but we've never been here on our nights out. We usually end up in the suburbs or down the river...Pigalle is a bit too far away from our usual routes. But it also has a reputation: they say it's the place where everyone can find their thrills. I know that some refers to the prostitues walking the streets night and day but I don't care. "No? Oh well...then to The Cage of Fools!" Élodie exclaims. "The Cage of Fools?" I laugh. "As long as you don't drag me straight to the asylum!" She laughs too, gently pushing me forward. "Why would I do that? They don't serve alcohol there!" True to her words, the place is ten minutes away or so it seems to me: I might be too distracted chatting with my new friend to notice but it wasn't far. Set at the corner of a back alley, I wouldn't have taken the Cage of Fools for a bar if I hadn't known better. It looks like a tavern with old worn wooden doors and painted glasses so smoky or dirty that you can't really see the inside. Even the sign threatens to fall any minute. The only hint of its true nature is the echo of music coming from the inside. Élodie holds the door open for me and a mix of cigarette smoke, alcohol and cheap perfumes hits my nostrils. I take a deep breath and we walk in. The place is surprisingly lively for the unassuming exterior. Tables are lined up to the sides to leave plenty of space for a dance floor at the centre. At the bottom, the bar is already crowded with costumers. At one of the stools, a singer is grazing her fingers over a little accordion just like the one one of my roommates owns. When I hear the musician's mastery, I cannot help but think it's a pity she never uses it. Élodie must be a regular here because she seems to know everyone, well almost everyone. She greets some girls chatting and playing cards at a table nearby, who kindly offer to make room for our coats. "You're early today" one of them comments as we take them off. "So what, complaining already, sweetness?" Élodie retorts, eliciting a round of laughters from the table. "She's just afraid of the competition, sunshine" another giggles before getting a shove on the shoulder from her friend who spoke first. Élodie rolls her eyes, smiling. "I'm here with a friend" she says, gesturing me to step closer. "Here, this is Léa, be kind to her, it's her first time here. Léa, my favourite foolish friends" The ladies turn towards me at unison and look at me in a way I cannot describe. Is it surprise the unreadable expression on their faces? Or else? Slightly embarassed, I wave my hand and greet them. "Ah, so this is the Léa" the one who hasn't spoken yet says, her eyes wandering between me and Élodie. "Nice to finally make your acquaintance, mademoiselle" "The Léa? I..." I start, confused, but my friend interrupts me. As a new popular jig starts playing -apparently there's a little orchestra too, not just a solo singer-, she drops our coats into the lap of one of the ladies and exclaims. "Oh I love this tune! The dance floor is screaming my name" "The can-can hasn't tired you out?" I joke, making room for her. Élodie reaches for my hand and smirks. "It takes more than a can-can to do that, my dear girl. Come, let's dance!" She pulls my hand but I freeze and ask the silliest question I could have ever formulated. "Dance? But like...with me?" I've only danced with other girls in private and they were my sisters after mom fell asleep. Oh and Marie when she wanted to rehearse beforehand in case Alain asked her to dance. I've never done it in...public. Élodie shrugs, half amused. "Afraid people will stare? Trust me, it's fine here. So, shall we?" Another sudden realisation hits me: I have never danced with a professional only for fun and when I was a bit tipsy. Or yes, where nobody could see me. I will embarrass myself... "I-I don't know the steps" I admit, blushing. Élodie smiles and pulls my hand again. "I can teach you but the real secret is...don't think, just feel the rhythm and move" When we reach the other dancing couples, I'm still unsure of what to do. I'm suddenly nervous, almost regretting being here. I stand in the position I usually take when we go dancing with the guys. Élodie looks at me, still half amused half....I don't now, maybe it's pity? "Is this how you dance with your non-boyfriend?" she asks but I sense no judgement or derisive intent in her playfulness. Then she takes my hand and places it on her shoulder. "You know what? It's fine, I'll dance the man part to make it easier for you" she winks. "But we have to stand a bit closer" A shiver runs down my spine when she wraps an arm around my waist and pulls me closer until our faces are inches apart and our bodies flushed together. When she speaks again, I can feel her breath on my lips. "And now showtime" she whispers, leading me into the fast paced dance. It's hard to keep pace and not step on her foot at first but she leads with confidence and tells me what to do every now and then. We bump into other couples but nobody seems to care and I don't even have to worry about falling because her arm keeps me steady. I've never danced like this, not even with other girls: she just makes it sound easy, fun. Soon I relax and gain a little bit of confidence to try some moves of my own, Élodie welcomes them with enthusiastic cheers. Just like at the Moulin Rouge the world seems to spin faster and be suddenly lighter. She must feel the same way because she's smiling again. When the tune comes to an end, we exchange a look and wait the next one. Now that my embarrassment has gone, I'm not leaving the dance floor so soon! We keep dancing, careless and free. And as we do so, thanks to less furious jigs and songs, I notice something that God knows why, I missed earlier when we entered. Élodie was right: this place is different from the bars my friends and I usually end the night in. I don't know why it took me all this time to realise such an evident detail but...on the dance floor there are only other women dancing with women and men dancing with men. Pretty much the same goes for the table or the niches or the bar. Some men are in feminine clothes and wear a wig and a rouge on their lips just like girls do; some women, included the singer, are in a masculine attire. Like cheap tuxedos and high hat or blouses and papillon that makes them look young ephebic dandies. I have never been in a place like this. I catch girls throwing lingering looks at me, taking in my full figure as I spin laughing in Élodie's arms. One even gallantly tips her hat at me and mouths something I cannot understand. I shrug smiling to signal I couldn't make out a single word and she smiles back, rising her glass. It's weird and new. I'm used to men asking to dance or dropping compliments when I'm out with my friends but women never look at me this way. At least, if they did, I have never noticed so far. Generally they're either friends or colleagues or clients who only check themselves in the mirror as I fix their clothes. This is different, this is like...being seen, regarded, admired maybe if someone likes what they see. The thought makes me blush furiously and I rest my head on Élodie's shoulder. I breathe in her scent and smile, thrilled and surprised to feel her head leaning over mine. Our hearts pound madly in our chests. We dance until I'm out of breath and ask for a little pause. Élodie takes my hand and leads me to the bar. We find two empty stools and take a seat. She asks me what I'll have and remind me that drinks are on her. Then she calls the bartender, they must know each other. "Pierrette! A glass of your finest cider for my friend here and the usual for me" She turns back to me. I'm still panting, my cheeks on fire. "You did incredibly well to be someone who 'doesn't know the steps'" "I just followed your lead" I laugh, dismissing her compliment. "You're kind but I'm a terrible dancer. Especially compared to you but it was fun" She throws me a smile veiled by the smoke of the cigarette she accepted from a guy, another friend or acquaintance I wager. "You should dance more often then. If you need a partner..." Our conversation is interrupted by the bartender approaching with our drinks. Pierette is one of those men in feminine clothes and has an incredibly sweet and welcoming smile. I tell her so when she hands me my cider and places a glass of cognac in front of my friend. "Thank you, Pierrette, you're a sweetheart" Élodie smiles, dropping coins in her hand and pulling her close to press a kiss on her cheek. The bartender bows her head and hesitates a little. Turning towards me, she adds, placing a flower on the counter: "The gentleman down there sends you this, mademoiselle" I turn towards my friend first and then towards the tables and I meet the gaze of the lady in tuxedo who tipped her hat at me while I was dancing. She courtly bows her head with a charming smile before resuming playing cards. The little violet must have been pinned to her jacket. "Look at you, already an admirer" Élodie comments, blowing off smoke. "That was...unexpected" "Do you like her? Would you like to go thank her?" I consider it for a moment: I probably should but she's playing and my friend invited me here. "Maybe later" I shake my head. "I'm here with you" I rise my glass for a toast and I think I see Élodie blushing a little at my words for the first time. "To our night out, to a new friendship" she proposes and we cling our glasses. We smile at each other then I divert my eyes, embarassed: I don't want my new friend to get the impression that I'm staring on anything. My eyes falls back on the little violet. "So, tell me, Léa, what brings a seamstress-poet like you in the City of Lights?" My story is pretty simple, actually. I tell her about my job at the atelier, a refreshing change from my maid years but at the time it was my only way out of my miserable provincial town. I share a few details of my life there, my father working as a fisherman... "Did your father fish oysters too? I think they do that up North" Élodie asks, pondering. "Oh yes, sometimes during the winter" "Ever found any pearl inside?" I laugh: I wish we did! "Had we, I would have never taken that maid job!" Élodie gives me a long lingering look before speaking again. "Maybe the reason why you never found one is simple. Maybe you are a tiny shining pearl" Sudden warmth spreads inside me, embracing my chest and the tip of my ears. "Don't tell me no one called you 'the pearl of Roscoff' back there" she adds, charming. "No, I was simply Léa, Gilles' daughter back there. If they remembered my name, that is" I shrug. "Weird people the folks of the North: they call themselves the best fishermen yet they cannot recognise a pearl when they see it" "Maybe they thought I was a mermaid" I joke to conceal how her words fluster me. Élodie seems to consider the possibility for a moment then she leans closer, our faces inches apart from each other again, and she sniffs my hair, my neck. The gesture is playful but also sensual. I don't know if that was her aim but I shut my eyes, grateful she can't hear my heart now. "No, you're not. You don't smell of tar or seaweed...and you have no tail" she declares, parting. I make a scene to look relieved as I hope she didn't notice the red on my the tip of my ears. She smiles, a gleam in her eyes. "And you?" I inquiry. "Tell me more about you" She gives a long look then drowns her drink. She tells me that she's been a dancer since the day she arrived here. Even before, actually. She started small but soon joined the dancing crew at Les Folies Bergere: I could have find her performing at the prestigious music hall a couple of months ago. She liked it there, the music acts were glorious but when she heard about the auditions for the Moulin Rouge she decided to give it a try. Why not, she thought. The rest is history. I'm amazed at how she speaks so casually of places that ignite the dreams of common girls like me, used to ordinary music halls and bars. "Do you regret leaving Les Folies?" I ask, taking a last sip of cider. "Not really, no. I still have friends there, they invite me to their acts but the Moulin is where I belong now, where I want to be. You see-" A loud ruckus suddenly erupts and people in the front start screaming. "Shit!" Élodie curses before quickly jumping off her stool. It all happens in the blink of an eye. I turn and see gendarmes pushing their way through the scared crowd that was dancing until a moment ago. Until their arrival. "Enough of your little party, you're under arrest" I hear them yell, cold and angry. Blood runs cold in my veins but I feel Élodie hands grabbing mine and pushing me off my stool too. "Follow me and run. Run!" She doesn't have to tell me twice. We sprint off in the panicked crowd, desperate for a way to escape the raid like everyone else. I only make out one voice among the screams of panic and the shouts of the gendarmes. "We're not doing anything wrong! Leave us alone" a woman is saying but she has little success against their wrath. Too soon the sinister whistle of a baton and the sound of a broken nose reach ears. Cold fear makes me shiver. "Shut up, degenerate! Secure the exits!" "This way, Léa, this way!" Élodie says, keeping pushing forward with the force of despair. We enter what looks like a storage room or a canteen and we keep running towards the door. We're halfway when Élodie let me move ahead as if shielding me from the chaos and panic coming from the main hall. More gendarmes are storming in and the door in front of us seems like our only way out. We're almost there when it slams open and another man in uniform materialises. As he spots us, he sneers and launches forward. I let out a shriek "Where do you think you're going?" he spits, furious. I duck just in time to avoid his baton and before I process what's happening, I hear him wincing. I look back and Élodie still has a fist mid air; then she grabs his shoulders and kick him hard in the groin. The gendarme collapses to the floor whining loudly. Panting, she reaches me and I grab her hand. "Run, Léa, run!" We both sprint off into the street outside and keep pushing forward and against our fatigue as we hear the shouts of other gendarmes in the distance, the echo of their boots appraching. We exchange a look and take a brisk turn to the left then one another, hoping to confuse the guards. We keep running hand in hand until our breath is short and I can hardly recognise the streets anymore. Where are we? Élodie pulls me into a back alley at the corner of a church. My knees threaten to fail to sustain me any longer but she puts an end to our mad run. We hide behind a lateral arc, the niche of a secondary access to the building but the heavy door is now closed. We both pant and I'm about to say something when Élodie spying the street nearby, places one hand on my mouth gesturing me to keep as quiet as possible. I look at her confused and a little scared but then I understand. "You sure they went this way?" The voice of a man, one of the gendarmes chasing us. "I thought so but I don't see anyone" another adds. "You stupid ass, we should have taken the other turn!" "Hey calm down, hot-head! Do you think I had fun running all the way here?" They're panting too. "They went the other way, I told you!" "What makes you so sure? Let...let me check the alley here?" Panic runs through my veins and we both hold our breath despite the exhaustion of the long run. Echoes of steps and a flash of light approaching on the ground. "I don't know, I think I see something" The lights moves closer and now a second set of steps resounds. His colleague must have followed him. I brace myself for the worst. Out of the blue a stray cat meets the light and hisses angrily before running off into the night. I hear a laughter. "Oh fuck off!" "You saw a cat? A fucking cat?" The light moves the other way: we're safe even if it was so close, too close. "Not a word, you moron" "The pussies went the other way, no point in wasting time with a cat" Another derisive laughter echoes. Élodie retrieves her hand but we keep silent until we cannot hear any steps in the distance. Then we let out a laughter, a nervous laughter to soothe our nerves. We even crack a joke about our fortuitous save. When our giggles die out though, Élodie goes quiet for a moment before breaking the silence again. "I'm sorry, I've been foolish...I shouldn't have taken you there" Her voice is somber and her lips are curled in a grimace. "Why? I liked the place and...and I even got to dance with a dancer of the Moulin Rouge: it doesn't happen every day" I say, trying to brighten the mood. I got quite a scare though and my heart is pounding like mad. Élodie smiles weakly, struggling to recover her usual mirth. "I ruined our night" "No...no, don't be silly" I wince and pull her into a hug. I don't even know what I'm doing, I just follow my instinct. I cannot bear the inconsolable guilty look on her face...I want to make it go away and see the cheerful, playful girl who was chatting and dancing with me an hour ago. Élodie hugs me back and I breath in the mix of spices and smoke radiating from her. When we finally part, our eyes meet again. Hers are so pristine like water or the stars floating in the sky above. I feel her hands cupping my cheeks, her thumb stroking my cheek as she did earlier to wipe off her rouge. She's searching my face, I don't know what she's looking for. We're so close, my breath catches again at our proximity. But suddenly she lowers her eyes and hangs her head as if in defeat. Did I do something wrong? What did she read on my face? After a moment she looks at me with a weak smile. "It's getting late and that was enough trouble for one night. Let's find a way to get you home safe and sound" A little confused and disappointed, I take her arm and we wander off into the Main Street. We soon bump into a carriage letting off its passengers and we runs towards it. I still get the feeling there was more than she actually said in her words. Élodie asks the driver to stop in a square I'm not familiar with...I cannot tell if we're in Montmarte or Pigalle. She turns towards me. "That's my stop, I live just over there" she says, pointing at a building round the corner of a street. "I'll give you some coins for your ride and he will take you home" She offers me a bunch of franques and drops them in my hand. I'm about to decline but she places one finger on my lips and closes her hand over mine. "It's the least I can do after all the trouble" "You have nothing to ask forgiveness for" I say, reading what must be going on in her mind. She gives me a tired smile and takes my free hand in hers. "Then tell me we will meet again. You will come visit me again" I smile nodding. We will meet again. "Promise?" "Promise" Her face softens and relaxes a little. She even offers me a brighter smile. Then she rises my hand to her lips and presses a feather like kiss on my knuckles. "Until we meet again, Léa" She takes off of the carriage and hands some coins to the driver before taking a step back and waving me one last goodbye. And she's walking away. The driver asks me where to go now, I stretch out of the window and tell him my address. His wip whistles and we're off into the night. As the carriage takes me away in the night, I sigh and fall back into my seat. Warmth radiates from the hand she held and brought to her lips. I close my eyes and bring it to my chest. My heart pounds just like when we were so close I could feel her breath on my lips in that arc. Or when she called me 'the pearl of Roscoff'.

[glare0322]

h.i.v.e. head canons

just some character and relationship/friendship head canons :)

laura

- plays the piano and quite well. she doesn’t want to play much at h.i.v.e. because it reminds her of scotland and her family. after book eight, she plays a lot more frequently cause she really sees h.i.v.e. and the people there as her home.

- is not organized in anything but school and files on her computer. her brain runs a million miles an hour which leads to things getting messy fast.

- becomes a lot closer with raven after the greenhouse since they now have a bit of shared trauma especially in the fact anastasia favored to torture both of them.

- still sucks at driving even after h.i.v.e.

- after h.i.v.e. laura goes and lives with her family for a month back in scotland. they talk about h.i.v.e., shelby and her other friends, whats been happening here, and other general catching up topics. mary (mrs. brand) takes a special interest in meeting otto and laura reminds her mom every day not to make a big deal about it. yet she still counts down the days until she gets to meet her daughter’s boyfriend.

otto

- gets very frustrated when he can’t grasp certain concepts or master specific skills. he is known as the boy genius after all.

- went through an edgy phase while at h.i.v.e. not emo, but he would throw in more hurtful quips towards shelby during their usually playful spits and his jokes were just a little too dark. otto got a lot more detentions during this time and even the thought of trying to escape again reoccurred in his mind. he eventually noticed how wing was not a fan of it and slammed the breaks. of course everyone still makes fun of him for it.

- if you don’t think otto wouldn’t cry at the sight of his newborn child/ren then um...you’re wrong

- he looks back on his little prime minister scheme with pride and cringes terribly at it. on one hand, it was his beginnings and the device he made not only worked but was something like no other. and then he remembers how he made the prime minister moon everyone. when he was younger it was hilarious, now that he’s a tad older otto hates the fact he did that. there is just something immature and lacking taste about the whole thing.

- lives in sweaters/jumpers. i know this one is random, but something about them just suits otto.

wing

- has a gentle singing voice. he only sings lullabies to his kids and if one of his friends needs it. besides that wing does not sing often. it’s always a treat when he does.

- wing is really scared to be a dad. the thought of being like his father is incredibly scary to him.

- i really can not see wing becoming a villain but an antihero, now that i can definitely see. his methods are immoral in the sense he is still technically a murder, but he only goes after truly evil corporations. like human trafficking kind of evil.

- he teaches his kid/s self-defense and martial arts.

- trilingual and speaks english, japanese, and mandarin. the first two are canon to the story but i feel like his parents probably would have taught him at least some mandarin.

shelby

- shelby hated how laura would stay up for hours in the night tapping away on her computer. however when she moved out, it seemed weird not to fall asleep to the sound of a typing keyboard.

- if there is a h.i.v.e. gymnastics team/program (since there is a water polo team) shelby would totally do it. she waves to her friends before her round and even sometimes blows a kiss to her supportive boyfriend who is always there to see her.

- after h.i.v.e. she pursues gymnastics professionally. it provides the same wealth she was used to back with her parents, she likes to do it, but most importantly it’s an amazing cover up for why she’s traveling so many places around the world. (to steal of course) it also funds these trips and gives her, and wing for that matter, a great public image. plus she likes the spotlight a bit.

- i’ve said this before but shelby eventually gets lessons from raven. i just love this idea with my whole heart especially because how different these two are.

- had a bit of affluenza before h.i.v.e. which played into her desire for stealing diamonds along with her crappy parents. (my theory on shelb’s parents is right here)

laura and otto

- otto adores laura’s piano playing. there is something peaceful about it to him which he finds really comforting.

- they go to university together in scotland and help each other get through it. the two live in an apartment together go to school then see each other after classes at home.

- laura has some zero ptsd and it occasionally effects her relationship with otto in the sense she gets flashbacks and is genuinely scared. otto completely understands this though and is super patient with her. obviously it bothers him since he’s not zero, but he understands why she’s experiencing this and loves her enough to put his annoyance aside for her.

- these two wanted their kids’ names to be after someone. so if they would ever have a daughter her name would be lucy and the middle name of their son would be wing. laura wanted to include shelby but it just didn’t fit anywhere.

- if otto can’t find a shirt, then laura is wearing it. she wears his clothes super frequently and he won’t complain. she looks cute :,)

laura and shelby

- shelby likes things to look pretty, so she ends up being the one that keeps their room tidy, makes the beds, and other cleanly stuff like that. especially when they live together outside of h.i.v.e. she does the dishes pretty often, keeps their room looking nice, and stocks their fridge. laura is messy, but it doesn’t effect her much cause shelbs takes care of it. she doesn’t mind and only teases laura when people are over to embarrass her (all in good fun).

- laura doesn’t like girly things (we been knew). shelby tried for a while to get her into these things and a few stick on: nail polish, very light make up, and shopping. but never and i mean never would shelby make laura do something she didn’t want to. of course laura introduces shelby to her more geeky/nerdy stuff. they watch superhero shows together, shelbs has a black widow t-shirt in her closet now, and even some basic hacking codes.

- laura didn’t like shelby at first not only because of her nasty personality, but because she was a lot like the girls who would talk about laura behind her back.

- basically canon, but shelby was the number one ottra shipper. she had been rooting for them since day one of h.i.v.e. laura comes to her for advice with otto and shelby consoles her when lucy and otto get together. they both were disappointed the two didn’t get together.

- laura is really good at baking and shelby asks her once to help her bake something for wing. (she was really trying y’all) long story short, even laura couldn’t help shelby’s terrible baking skills and they set off the fire alarms in their apartment along with the sprinklers.

wing and otto

- otto wanted to do one of wing’s workouts despite his best friends many warnings it would be rough. it was safe to say otto underestimated the intensity of the workout.

- oh god the scene where these two will eventually leave each other to go move on past h.i.v.e. is just absolutely gut wrenching. they both acknowledge how the other had such an influence on their lives and hope to see them prosper in life. honestly this is like a rare moment where i can see wing legitimately crying.

- so we all know how wing has half the overlord protocol necklace (he has yang) if shelby doesn’t get the yin half then otto should because he kinda fits the yin meaning and is best bros with wing.

- for wing’s “bachelor party” they honestly just get all the guys from h.i.v.e. together and hang out for a couple hours. after, however, he and otto go out and go have some fun doing morally gray criminal activity.

- they still sometimes speak in japanese to each other on missions and stuff or if they need to plan something without anyone else knowing.

shelby and wing

- they move permanently to america, but visit china and japan quite frequently.

- one of the first things shelby does after she and wing get out of h.i.v.e. is watch a bunch of disney movies and american movie classics so he can understand the pop culture references she has been making for the past five years.

- i totally think shelby gets the other half over otto, or at least a replica. there’s kinda set up for this as well, the other half (yin) is known as the feminine half.

- if they would ever have a daughter her name would be mei or raven.

- she always knows exactly what to get him as a gift or even just in general. she’s observant and can pick up on what he needs before he does. wing has mentioned before shelby is a little...less predictable but he tries his hardest and oh my goodness does shelby appreciate his efforts. of course it irritates her, but she knows her slightly emotionally-unavailable boyfriend is trying an insane amount to sort through her emotions right.

shelby and otto

- they totally bond over how wing is great, but have an urge to smother him in his sleep because of the obnoxiously loud snoring

- menaces to the public when these two are together. i couldn’t even begin to tell you all the crafty things that would conspire between these two. pranking teachers, seeing who can steal the answers first, racing in stealth or in fitness classes. (wing beats both of them in combat/fitness so their efforts are often pointless)

- when they first came to h.i.v.e. shelby was taller than otto, by quite a margin too. she teased him into another galaxy about it. so when the day came that otto was officially taller than her, she mourned the countless jokes that could no longer be made.

- asks a lot of those “wait who logically thought to make butter?” questions. they also argue whether these people were geniuses or a new level of stupid. (seriously who thought to mix together milk until it gets to a solid consistency and then eat it?)

- they have to live together for one month after h.i.v.e. in the beginning, they like wanted to choke each other, but by the end of the month they were upset to not live with each other any more. (fic is dropping soon 🙈)

wing and laura

- after the greenhouse incident, laura went to wing asking him to teach her some martial arts since she felt really weak physically while in there. he doesn’t initially think it’s the best idea, but laura convinces him it will be okay.

- they’re a lot better friends then people would initially think. she hugged him like twice in the first book alone and is grateful for him saving her life. laura and wing seem like the two that just relax with each other. no shenanigans, no combat, honestly just vibing. they drink tea and watch murder mystery shows while catching up on the latest things and theorizing about the show.

- the entire gang goes to tokyo all together at one point in their life. laura and wing go to all the historical places in the city and chat about them for hours.

- they go on hikes together. that’s it. i’m right and you know it.

- i always imagined at least once wing decided to try and take the high road instead of cheating by asking laura to tutor him. it worked pretty well for him and now whenever he needs help with work, he just goes to laura and they work through it together.

[nate-santos]

Clamie Bit My Finger || Nate & Alain

Location: The Hospital Time: Shortly after Alain lost a dear finger Parties Involved: @deadicated-nate, @carbrakes-and-stakes, One very rude coughing patient zero for the coronavirus

Throbbing pain, constant and sickening. Alain felt as if he was going to either throw up or faint. He didn’t remember anything from the ride to the E.R. other than Cassie and Erin speaking and him clenching his jaw the whole time.His jaw was probably sore, but he did not think too much of it. It was only as a nurse spoke to him that he spoke, slower than usual, taking deep breaths between questions. The news that he would be given painkillers came as a relief, although he was concerned to hear that they wouldn’t stitch his would immediately, and rather put a bandage to stop the bleeding. He understood that they had a lot of injuries to take care of, but he would have thought his injury would be more urgent than that. He supposed that he probably should be relieved about this, but he was just annoyed. “Are you fucking kidding me,” he groaned, shuffling across the hall to get to the waiting room, now dressed in clean, dry scrubs. Sitting next to a guy who was not coughing or close to any children, Alain sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair.

One of Nate’s go-to places was the ER. Not that he actually hurt himself often, but he ended up asking for medical advice much more often than his general practitioner would allow. So here he was, sitting patiently in the waiting room, settling himself in as far from any of the sick or contagious people as he possible could be. He opened up the book he brought, knowing it may take a while to get to him. One of the downsides to having to come through the ER- long wait times. Especially when the week White Crest was having had resulted in many more...strange injuries than normal. Nate looked down at the small scrape on his elbow, hoping that he’d managed to get enough neosporin on it to prevent any major infections, but his inspection was quickly interrupted by a man sitting down much too close for his comfort. He was holding his bandaged hand and Nate felt his stomach churn when he saw the blood. “Hey uh...what...what happened?” He nodded anxiously to the man’s hand, hoping he hadn’t just been chased by some giant lobster that he happened to lead right into the waiting room.

Alain looked at the guy sitting next to him after a couple of seconds which was the amount of time it took him to register that he was actually speaking with him. Great. Now he had to endure small talk, after what he had just been through. “I can sit somewhere else if you can’t stand the sight of blood,” if it took him a while to realize that they spoke to him, he could still read a face, especially one he’d seen often in a mirror. Anxiety. He took a deep breath. Truth was, he was feeling stressed too, about his finger, of course, but mainly because he wouldn’t be able to hunt for a while. He needed this hand to fight. “I lost my finger,” he finally replied, swallowing his saliva and realizing that he was too suffering from his own anxiety. That ball of stress stuck in his throat was growing. Rubbing at his face with his left had, he sighed. This was going to be a long wait. “What about you? Why are you here?”

Nate’s eyes flitted back and forth between the man’s hand and the door, wondering if it was too late or too rude for him to bolt. But then he wouldn’t be able to get his elbow looked at. His face was pained as he weighed his options. It was his own fault that he was now in a conversation with a man who had lost a finger and while he had a burning need to know how, Nate also wasn’t entirely sure he did want to know. “N-no, I’m ok with blood.” Nate stared at the man apprehensively, only a little bit relieved that he didn’t seem to be afflicted with anything contagious. “I’m more worried about uh…” he nodded over to a woman who hadn’t stopped hacking her lungs out since she arrived two hours ago. She refused to cover her mouth and it was honestly an achievement that she hadn’t actually expelled a lung. “Oh, I uh…” Nate sheepishly rubbed his elbow. His injury was much less dire than losing a finger, but the threat of infection was real. “I’ve been exposed to potential infections and I wanted to get some antibiotics.”

Alain still decided to move his injury to his left, resting his wrist against his shoulder. It was not very comfortable, and he would probably end up back with his hand close to that guy, but at least he’d tried, unlike that rude woman, he also had noticed, coughing her lungs out without caring one bit for the rest of the patients. “Hey,” he called her out but she didn’t seem to even listen, “hey,” he repeated, already annoyed. Must have been that he had been through a lot of shit today, right? Right. “You think you can cover your mouth when you cough? Is it something you can do?” His eyebrows raised as he watched her roll her eyes in response. “Quelle connasse,” he muttered to himself, sighing. He glanced back at his chair neighbor and listened to him instead. Was he talking about HIV ? Well that sounded more serious than losing a piece of your finger. Alain could live with that, at least. “Wow, you’re okay?”

Nate cringed when the man raised his voice, but a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. Nate wasn’t the kind of guy to yell or stand up for himself in any way, so he’d been silent for hours when the woman was not only being rude but hazardous to literally everyone else in the room. He nodded at the woman, who was far from the only perpetrator in the ER. “I’m not sure she has the capability to understand basic manners. She’s been doin’ that for over two hours.” Every cough or sneeze had Nate jumping and clutching his chest, but for the most part this was just an average trip to the hospital for him. “Oh, yeah...hopefully.” He shrugged, trying not to show how nervous he was and sounding all the more forlorn. “Are you uh, french?” He tried to change the subject, falling into awkward small talk. “That’s lame...and weird, sorry. Just, the accent. And the french words.”

“Probably not. Maybe the cough got to her brain,” he commented, and, attempting to cross his arms in discontempt, winced and held his hand back up. “I hope they won’t keep me waiting two hours, I feel like coughing is not an emergency,” Alain rolled his eyes. People using the ER as some kind of doctor appointment pissed him off. What part of “emergency” did they not get? Apparently his grumpiness was contagious : a soccer mom with her son started to complain to the woman as well. “Yeah, well hang in there. I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he would have patted him in the back, but pretty sure that no one would want a wounded hand near them, decided against it. “As a matter of fact, yes,” his eyebrows raised. Were they going to talk about that for the following… eternity waiting? Alain rarely went to the doctor, and had forgotten that waiting rooms were small talk hubs. “It’s fine. Call me German and you’ll have a nose to fix too, however,” he smiled and shook his head, laughing through his nose. Heh, maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad.

Nate laughed nervously, knowing the guy was probably joking, but also knowing that whatever illness that woman had may have actually affected her brain. He leaned even further away from her. “You’ll probably be seen soon,” he nodded at the blonde nurse behind the counter. “Elise is working, she usually gets people in and out pretty quickly when they have more urgent injuries.” An awkward smile appeared on Nate’s face. He felt a little guilty, as his potential infection might not be seen as an emergency to most, but that’s why he was waiting patiently despite being surrounded by a cornucopia of contagians. He raised his hands in defense. “Promise, I won’t call you German. But uh...what should I call you? I’m Nate.” He wrapped his arms around himself as if to make it abundantly clear that he would not be shaking anyone’s bloody, fingerless hand.

“Elise? She’s a friend of yours?” Alain glanced at the man sitting next to him, his attention diverted once again by the coughing woman. He pinched at the bridge of his nose. What would be the point of getting into an argument now ? “You can call me Alain, he replied absent-mindly, leaning forward to have a look at the magazines scattered on the coffee table in front of them. They looked like they had been here for a while, and he decided against grabbing one when he saw unidentified stains on one of them. Now this was disgusting. When he glanced back at Nate, he noticed that he’d tucked away his hands. Maybe he’d get along with him. He was not fond of touching people either and only very few people respected that. “What do you do for a living, Nate?”

“Yeah, I’ve known her for a few ye-” Nate flinched as the offending woman continued to cough. “Years.” He frowned, curling in on himself even more. Eyeing the new group of children who were being ushered into the room by one seriously overwhelmed parental figure, Nate reached into his pocket for one of his many on-the-go hand sanitizers. He glanced over at Alain and saw the other man debate picking up one of the borderline crusty magazines and decide against it. He smiled a bit and held out the hand sanitizer. “I’m an uh- architect? It’s...more exciting than it sounds.” Nodding to the man’s bloody hand. “Does that happen...often in your line of work?”

“Oh come on,” Alain called her out once again, raising his voice further. “Cover your mouth and stop spreading your microbes or get out of here, you are annoying a whole room of people who are already worried or in pain,” he raised his hand up to show her his bandage, and leaned back in his chair, hoping that this would be his last time lecturing a fucking grown up. Blowing air through his nose, he had a look at his phone for a moment. He probably should message his employees and tell them that he wouldn’t be around for at least a couple of days, he told himself. Typing the message proved to be difficult, and he did not bother correcting a few typos that had slipped in there. “I’m a mechanic, that’s… how I lost my finger,” he shrugged at the next question and instead took an interest in the architect. “That’s pretty exciting, what are you talking about. What are you working on right now?”

Nate jumped as Alain raised his voice once again, smirking to himself. If only he could be so bold. He used to be. It was comforting to see another person as anti-germ as he was, even if he was a bit more bristly than Nate. He almost asked if the guy needed help texting, but figured he probably wouldn’t want someone who might have a deadly infection touching his device. “Oh- I’m sorry...Do you think they can sew it back on?” He squirmed in his seat. “Oh uh...nothing special. I just did a walk through of an old house out in the Outskirts, something about proving it was in disrepair due to age rather than...supernatural means?” He shrugged. “Other than that, I’ve just been drawing up a lot of new roofs thanks to the whole fish situation.”

Alain shook his head. He had never been good with lies, mainly because he hated lying. Seeing all the things he’d seen, you grew to have quite the imagination skills. “I don’t think so. I was unable to retrieve the thing,” not a lie. It was indeed impossible for him to open the clam after it died. “It’s okay. This kind of shit happens,” he shrugged. Well, he was actually more worried than he let it transpire but since shit happens had become his motto over the years, he was getting used to it too. “What do you mean supernatural means? You think … those things exist?” His eyebrows raised in surprise. One of the hardest part of his job was not to kill vampires and zombies, but rather convincing people that they did not see what they saw. “You must be pretty busy. I had my roof replaced a couple years ago, so it’s holding up pretty well so far. Fingers crossed.”

Nate winced, feeling a shiver run down his spine. He couldn’t imagine losing his finger with no hope of reattaching it and being as calm as Alain was being. Then again, if he worked in the more physical aspect of building houses instead of just working with paper and math and hypotheticals, maybe he would be more used to that sort of thing. As it was, however, Nate continued to shiver. “Oh...I’m really sorry. You’re taking it a heck of a lot better than I would be.” Nate glanced up, wondering if it was a trap. He knew lots of people in town didn’t believe in the supernatural, but he knew enough of it existed to not doubt the existence of so much more. “Oh, well you know. I think ghosts exist, and I wouldn’t put it past this town for more weird stuff to be real too. But the whole point of that inspection was to really prove that ghosts did not live in the house and were definitely not responsible for people getting hurt.” Nate smiled lightly, his head lifting. “That’s good! It should definitely hold up for a while longer. And if something does happen, you can reroof first, which would save a lot of money and a big headache of replacing the whole thing.”

“So you believe in ghosts then,” he raised an eyebrow, faking concern as he’d done it so many times before. No matter how hard hunters worked, people always seemed to suspect something about the town. “Why would someone ever want to buy a house where someone had to come to prove it’s not haunted is above my understanding, but hey, to each their own.” How this was the job of an architect, Alain was not sure about that one either. Architecture school probably did not give classes on haunted house. “So your job as an architect is to play Ghostbuster ?” Clearly, this was confusing. Or maybe he had lost too much blood and the medicine they had given him minutes ago was starting to work really well. Alain cleared his throat and looked away from Nate for a moment, his eyes glancing at his bandage, at his hand. He had mostly avoided to look at it since they had entered the room, and he was not feeling very well, looking at it now. A shiver ran down his spine and he felt his anxiety rush back up his throat, building its nest there, and forcing him to take heavier breathes. He had really lost a finger out there. Absentmindedly, he managed to reply to Nate that reroofing seemed like a good idea.

Nate shrugged. “I’m not spiritual per say, but yeah, I think ghosts are real. I’ve never seen one or anything, though.” Shaking his head, Nate ran his hand absently over his scraped elbow, flinching at the slight pain. “I couldn’t tell you. People in this town are weird. I don’t uh...I definitely am not a Ghostbuster. I just sometimes go check out old buildings and prove that any odd happenings are due to structural instability and overall lack of upkeep rather than because some ghosts took up residence.” His eyes flickered down to the man’s bandaged hand, an influx of blood spreading out through the gauze. “Uh...do you- I’ll be right back.” Nate stood carefully, eyeing his waiting room companion. “Hey Eloise, could you uh...would you mind bumping up this guy on the list? Alain- he said his name was?” Nate looked back at the man, his brow furrowed with worry as if it were him who had just lost a finger. “Hold on there, man. They’re gonna get you in ASAP.”

[theoneanna]

Hiddlesfic: Life is a Game of Risks

Hello Everybody!

I’m so sorry I haven't been able to write Reviews this past months but I just have been busy with school AND I’m actually a proper reviewer now! I’ve started my bookstagram and I post book reviews there. BUT, I have 2 series I wanted you to read so I couldn’t wait any longer! THANK YOU for being patient with my writing and for sharing my reviews and Hiddlefic’s Masterlist.

This was one is one of the first fanfics I read and OMG its E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. This series in on AO3 but I’m sure you’ll love it as much as love it!! 

Thank you for staying with me!!

- Anna 

Life is a Game of Risks

by: @wolfpawn

Summary by author: Tom walks into a cafe near RADA while working on Hamlet to see a woman sitting down in a corner, he knows her, but he is not sure from where. It finally dawns on him, an old family friend, the one that suggested to him to go into acting and whom as they ascended to adulthood, he had a crush on, but time passed and nothing happened. Now he meets Alexianna again and he is not going to miss the chance to speak with her once more, but there is an issue, time has not been good to her, her life is more complex now. Can Tom handle what it entails when the one you care for has a child already and can Alexianna deal with the pressures of being the real life girlfriend of the internet's boyfriend?

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Original Female Character

Warning: Fluff, Angst, Smut

By the time I wrote this review there were 57 Chapters published:

CHAPTER 1: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11940687/chapters/26992977

Lass_Kicker (in AO3) or @wolfpawn is one of my “virtual friends”. She is Irish and loves to incorporate her Irish heritage in her stories which to me is really eye opening and makes her stories so interesting and unique! She writes more about Ireland on another fic I love called I hate you, I love you than on Life is a Game of Risks but I still wanted to point that out! 

This story is about Tom finding his childhood friend and teenage crush Alexianna after years of zero contact. We know Tom is a successful actor an Alexianna has been enjoying his work but Tom knows nothing about Lexi. He realizes that something off with that happy, cheerful girl he knew. Later, Tom finds out the hard life she has lived while he was busy being the charming actor he is. She was in a toxic relationship, she had a terrible accident that left her more psychological damage than physical one and she has a daughter, Lily. 

You will LOVE Lily the moment you meet her, I SWEAR! She is the funniest and sweetest kid and its immediatly attached to Tom, as he is with her. Tom’s character is the most supportive male character I have ever read and helps Lexi grow up so much as a person. What I also love about this series is that is very realistic! It doesn't have lots of predictable cliches, but its full of extraordinary written scenes. 

YOU WILL BE SWOONING after every scene that has Tom and Lily in together. Tom and Alexianna are cute as well but little Lily steals the show! The way Alexianna progresses from the beginning of the story to where the story is now its out standing! You’ll be so proud of her you'll want her to be real just to give her a high five! 

You know my favorite series have Benedict as a friend and family in there somewhere, well THIS HAS EVERYTHING! Benedict is a really good friend of Tom and the way Tom’s family is portrayed makes me want to find an in-law family just like that! Did I mention Lexi was Tom’s younger sister Emma best friend growing up? Tom’s mom is also an incredible character. This story is the one I come back every time I want to cheer myself up....who I’m kidding I come back to this story all the time! It amazes me how much I have re-read this story I am not exaggerating when I say I have lost count. 

I really wish this series was a published book so I could re read it as many times as I could. Every chapter makes my heart grow of how PERFECT this series is! If you take my word for something, PLEASE read this series!

I’ll leave here a couple of my favorite dialogues, (I’m leaving them at the end in case you consider them spoilers but to me they are more like teasers) hoping to awake your interest and make you head over Here and read it yourself.

- Anna 💕

PS. Please feel free to share, comment or suggest anything and everything for this review! Enjoy your reading!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Mommy, it's Dr. Strange.'

That got Benedict's attention on her again. 'Yes, I am.'

'Wow.' she stared at him, fascinated. 'Tom isn't Loki now, so leave him alone.' She even extended her index finger as she gave the order.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Mommy, Tom is calling you.’ Lily informed her.

‘Yes, I am not deaf.’

‘So why aren’t you waiting for him?’ Alexianna did not respond. ‘Mommy, stop, Tom is calling us.’

‘Just stop Lily.’ Lily began to squirm in her mum’s arms. ‘Lily!’

‘No, Tom wants us.’

‘Tom is busy.’ she argued. Lily thrashed, even more, meaning Alexianna was forced to put her down before she fell. ‘Lily!’

‘No, Tom wants us.’

------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom paused for a moment, smiling at the memory of younger Alexianna joking to him about something with those exact words, her face had the same mischievous smile on it as she did now. ‘Yes, perhaps I should. Or I could just continue to kiss you.’

‘Perhaps.’ she smiled, kissing him back.

Tom pulled her onto his lap, so that she was straddling him, and cupped her ass. ‘The perfect size.’

‘You have big hands, are you calling my ass big?’

‘No, I am saying it is perfect.’ They continued to kiss for another moment before he groaned.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

“You are mine, Lexi, and I am not letting you go. I missed my opportunity with you when we were younger. I have lost sleep since we started dating on how different it would all have been, if I had been braver that day and continued to you in the water. How sooner or later, I would have braved telling you how I felt, how I would have kissed you, and…” 

[im-the-king-of-the-ocean]

Ralph Domzalski’s Guide To Falling In Love With A Sorceress

Summary: Snapshots into the tragic love story of Toby’s parents, Ralph and Megan.

Step 1. Step 2.

AO3

Step 3: Settle Down In (Completely 100% Definitely Normal) Arcadia Oaks

All was silent but for the quiet tick-tick-tock of the clock on the wall.

Then a noise.  A slurp.  Like some invisible person chose that moment to suck the last drop of soda from the bottom of their Mega Gulp Cup, couldn’t quite get it but continued to inhale nothing but air through their straw anyway.

Movement.  The space in the middle of the otherwise normal-appearing office room shimmered.  Not quite like the space above pavement on a blistering hot day would shimmer, but close.  There was something off about this shimmer.  Something that would have sent any witnesses running for fear their nightmares were coming alive.

A shadow, a dark space the size of a golf ball, appeared in the middle of the shimmer and wasted no time in growing until it was large enough for a human to fit through.

Not one, but two, did.

“You’re getting better at that.”  Ralph inhaled sharply.  Traveling via shadow portal felt like, for a moment of his life, something was yanking everything good and happy away.

Megan sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall.  “Well, you know, practice makes perfect and all that.”  She took a deep breath.  “I got us this far, now it’s your turn.  I think I need to close my eyes for a minute.  Making portals is exhausting.”

Ralph knelt beside her.  He put a hand to Megan’s forehead, but she wasn’t feverish.  He let himself exhale.  That, at least, was a good sign.  He’d always supported and encouraged Megan’s experimentation with her magical powers, but this recent one, these portals, were…they were something else entirely from the levitation, flying—fun—spells she’d been practicing before.

“We shouldn’t have done this.  I shouldn’t have let you do this.  It’s too much.  You’re—”

Megan interrupted, “Ralph, I love you, but shut up.  I’m fine.”  She took a deep, shuddering breath.  “The baby’s fine.  As I’ve told you a hundred times, worst case scenario they turn out to have some magic themselves and then you’re going to have to deal with two of us bringing chaos into your life.”  She laughed.  “Come one, sweetheart, that was a joke.  Laugh.”

Ralph stood.  “I’ll laugh when we’re out of here.  Any ideas where the Janus Order keeps their stash of fake passports?”

“In a big bin that says ‘Fake Passports, Please Take One If You Grew Up In A Secret Cult That Never Got Documentation Of Your Existence’.  That seems like a good bet.”  Megan laughed again.

“I was being serious.”  Ralph yanked open a file cabinet and perused its contents.  No luck.  He moved on.

“So was I.”  Megan paused.  “Tell me what it’s like?  In Arcadia?”

Ralph walked over to the first of the cubicles.  “Again?  You’ll be there yourself once we get you a passport.”  He downright refused to let Megan shadow portal them home.  The distance from Rome to Amsterdam, where the Janus Order base they found was located, was bad enough.  But to California?  No, that was way too far.

“I know, but I like hearing you describe it.”  Megan got up and joined him in his search.  “The peaceful little houses, the nice neighbors, the parks.”  She ran a hand over a desk.  “We have to live somewhere near a park, one with a massive playground so our kid can play and make friends.  Oh, and we need a yard, someplace for a dog.  A really active one who’ll lick your face and love you and…”

“Are you sure you need me to describe anything?”  Ralph smiled.  “You seem to be doing a very good job of it yourself.”

Megan smiled back.  “But it’s more romantic and dreamy coming from you.”  She ran her hand over her belly, though she wasn’t nearly far enough along to have a baby bump.  “I grew up in a secret underground bunker with paranoid cultists who believe in an ancient demon sorceress.  If we’re going to have this kid, I want them to have a much better childhood than mine.”

Ralph walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her.  “And they will.  I told you when we found out, I would make sure both of you get to be as happy as can be.  That’s not a promise I’m going back on.”

“You better not.”  Megan tapped a finger on the tip of his nose.  “And remember you’re promise that we’d all travel the world together when the kid gets old enough.”

“Of course, how could I forget that?”

“Go find the passports, you ridiculous man.”

“Joke’s on you.”  Ralph whipped out a small selection of fakes out from behind his back.  “I already did.”

“I don’t want to have to ask this, but the seats next to you are my and my husband’s.  Do you think you could move over to the window so I can have the aisle?”  Megan asked the man currently sitting in the seat next to Ralph and her seats on the airplane.  “I’m probably going to have to get up and go to the bathroom a couple times during the flight.”

The man looked up from his reading, first at Megan, and then Ralph, who offered him a shrug.  It really would be best for everyone involved if he just let Megan have the aisle seat.  Sure, her baby bump was only just becoming visible, but she fully felt the effects of pregnancy.

“Of course.”  The man gave an awkward smile.  “I would be happy to.”

A bit of shuffling later and they were all seated.  Megan in the aisle seat, Ralph in the middle, and the man by the window.  Once everything was settled, Ralph held out a hand to the man.

“Ralph Domzalski.  Considering we’re going to be spending the next eleven hours next to each other, we should probably know each other’s names.”

The man waited a minute, where it was clear he was carefully considering his words, then responded, “Walter Strickler.  You and you’re wife, I assume, plan on settling down in Los Angeles?”

“Nope.  There’s this little town about a two hour drive out called Arcadia Oaks.  It’s where I grew up.”  Ralph couldn’t help the pride that entered his voice.  For all he traveled the world, Arcadia was still home.  “My family’s there, so, you know, it seemed like the best place for us.”

“Oh, really?”  Walter’s eyebrows went up.  “You don’t say.  I’m headed to Arcadia myself.  I recently accepted a teaching position at one of the local schools.  Perhaps, in a few years down the line, your child will be in my class.”

Internally, Ralph thought that traveling half way around the world for a public school teaching job in the United States was a bit odd, but he didn’t express this.  Instead he offered a noncommittal shrug.

Soon, the airplane took off.  Ralph let out a relieved breath.  He, Megan, and their future child were going home.

“Happy house-warming!”  Margaret greeted her son with a hug and then barged right past him into his house.  “I can’t wait to see what you’ve done with the place!”  She stopped in the middle of the hall, put her hands on her hips, and looked absolutely everywhere.  “You got all the baby gear we sent over, right?  The books?  Oooh and the toys, heaven forbid you forget those!”

“Yes, Mom.”  Ralph dutifully closed the door behind Vraxel, who took off his glamour mask and hung it on the new coatrack.

The large troll stretched to shake off his transformation.  Then gave his son his patented “be patient with your mother, she’s excited” look.

Ralph made a face at his father in return.  “Meg’s just upstairs resting.  She’ll join us in a bit.  She was just feeling a little under the weather this morning.  We already called the doctor.”  Ralph held up a hand to stop his mom from going into a massive tirade about proper health during pregnancy, especially when pregnant with a child that wasn’t entirely human.  They were handling it just fine themselves.  “She’ll be fine.  She just needs some rest.  How about I show you guys around in the meantime?”  The prospect of showing off his house to his parents was admittedly very appealing to Ralph.  He, and Megan, had put a lot of effort into turning the place into a home.

Also, it would take his mind off the fact Megan was feeling ill because she’d craved, then tried to literally eat, a raw steak last night.  Neither of them knew where the urge had come from and, as much as they wanted to chalk it up to just a weird pregnancy thing, there was a lingering thought at the back of both their minds that there was more to it than that.

Ralph knew he should think about it, but he really didn’t want to.

“I think a tour of our son’s dwelling would do nicely,” Vraxel spoke.  Like Margaret, he’d taken in his surroundings carefully, but he remained quiet while doing so.  “I see you don’t have any wards set up yet.  I can come by later this week and help with that if you like.”

Ralph winced.  “Thanks, dad, but no thanks.  We tried.  Wards mess with Megan’s magic.”  She’d lost control and set off a bunch of spells when they tried to set up the protective wards.  Most of their kitchenware had vanished into a massive dark portal that had opened without warning.  Thinking about it still made shivers run up Ralph’s spine.  Once they’d arrived in Arcadia, Megan had promised to never use the dark portal spell again, since they tended to drain her.  This one, though, this one seemed like it had sprung into being of its own accord during the chaos.  Ralph wanted anything but a repeat performance of that.

Vraxel frowned at his son.  “Are you sure?  Without them, you’d be defenseless against attacks.”

“Megan and I discussed it and yeah.”  Ralph stuck his hands in his pockets, an old habit from childhood whenever he had to tell his parents something really important.  “Her old cult has never been able to track us down.  They have no idea who I am.  It’s unlikely that they’d think to search in little, old Arcadia.  Plus, with Trollmarket here, there’s like zero chances changelings are just going to hope on a plane and come here.  What would they do?  Settle down into a poorly-paid teaching job?”

“As long as you’re sure.”  Vraxel crossed his arms.  He didn’t look convinced.

Margaret pushed herself into the conversation.  “Lighten up, dear.  Today is a day worth celebrating!  Our son has a home, a wife, and a child on the way!  Sure I would have liked him to introduce us to his wife before the baby development and maybe been able to be present at their wedding.”  This last phrase was said with a pointed look thrown in Ralph’s direction.  “But still, it’s a good day!”

“Um actually Mom.”  Ralph braced himself.  “Megan and I aren’t really married.  It was just easier to get her into the country if, on paper, it looked like we were.  We called each other ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ so no one would suspect anything.”

Margaret stared at Ralph.  Then, very deliberately, she spoke, “You know what this means.  I get to plan a WEDDING!”  

The entire neighborhood surely heard the shout.

Later that night, Ralph quietly walked into his and Megan’s bedroom.  She was curled up under as many blankets as possible.

“Sorry I couldn’t come down.”  Megan sneezed.  She grabbed a tissue and blew her nose.  “I just feel so ewwww.”

Ralph sat down on the side of the bed.  “It’s fine.  My parents are really understanding.”  He sighed.  “If a bit too enthusiastic.  Mom’s determined to plan our wedding.”

“Oh.”  Megan twisted a hand into the bedsheets.  “Should be fun though.  Something to look forward to.”  She looked back up at Ralph.  “She knows that she has to plan it with me, right?”

“Yes, I made that very clear.”

“Good.”  Megan turned away from him to gaze up at the ceiling.  “Hey Ralph, be real with me, do you think I’d make a good mother?  What if this sickness is really some kind of genetic thing?  What if I pass it on to the baby?  What if—”

“Meg, trust me.”  Ralph cut her off.  “You’re going to be a wonderful mother.”  He leaned forward and pecked her on the lips.  “Remember what the doctor said.  You keep getting sick because you exert yourself too much.  Just lay off the magic and the weird food cravings and everything is going to be fine.  I promise.”

Megan smiled at him.  “Ok, just one more question and I think it’s a really important one.”

“What’s that?”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes, yes I will.”

Tobias Domzalski came into the world a gurgling, happy baby.  He was a little bigger than the average newborn, but that was considered normal for his family.  The first person to hold him would be his father, who would stare at him with wonder, and then proceed to make incomprehensible noises at him until he fell asleep.  Toby’s mother also slept.  The birth had had no complications, but it had still taken hours and exhausted her.

Toby’s grandparents were allowed in his family’s hospital room after his family had had an hour to themselves.  His grandmother—his new Nana—entered the room with arms full of teddy bears and balloons from the hospital gift shop (she’d been very busy for the last hour).  His grandfather, who he’d learn was really a disguised troll a few years down the road, carried a couple containers of all the foods he knew Megan and Ralph liked best, also a videocamera to record his first day of life.

When Toby came into the world, he wouldn’t remember it, but he was surrounded by family and love.

“So, you gonna continue hogging our son or you gonna let me hold him?”  Megan propped herself up on her elbow.  She wiped the sleep from her eyes.

“You sure you’re ready?”  Ralph answered.  “He’s really delicate.  If you’re still tired—”

“Ralph, dearest, I just took a nap that the clock tells me lasted an hour longer than the birth itself.  Give me my baby.”

Ralph sat on the edge of Megan’s hospital bed.  “Move over.”  She did, and he settled next to her.  Then, as carefully and as cautiously as humanly possible, Ralph passed Toby into her arms.

Megan cooed at her son.  “Aren’t you just the perfect little boy?  You’re so adorable and wrinkly.  He’s perfect, isn’t he?”

“Just as perfect as his mom.”  Ralph grinned.

“Stop you.”

“What?  Did you think just because we’re parents now, it means I’ll stop joking?  The little guy needs to lead the fine art of comedy from somewhere.”  Ralph gently stroked his son’s head.

Toby wiggled in his blankets.

Megan gave Ralph a Look.  “He’s not even 24 hours old yet and already you’re starting with the comedy routine.  No, I think our son is going to be a magician.  Isn’t that right, Toby-woby?  With a hat and sock tricks and everything.  Ooooh.”  Her face lit up with joy.  “We’re going to buy him a bunny.  A white one.  When he’s old enough.”

Ralph smiled again.  “Well, we do have all the time in the world to see who he grows up to be.”

[paramedicsuicide]

First responder suicide -- PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the "red headed step child" of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a "typical" shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2.  My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can't tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating "lunch" out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. "Ill be diabetic by the end of the week" I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC's turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. "Anything to get out of this job" I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night.  Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don't have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today-- "With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking". I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud-- "Great, another bullshit call". Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think -- "I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don't have to walk back outside". Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. "That's not good" I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke.  As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. "That doesn't make sense" I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god-- he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again-- and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That's not great news. This kid hasn't made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician-- "why did you bring him here and not children's hospital".  I bite my tongue-- its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head-- "they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further". As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. "Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation".  Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn't seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police.  She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. "Are you ok?". "I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?" "WTF was that all about?". I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every "bad" call I've taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren't. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. "Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration". I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy-- take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with "Hello", not with "whats the chief complaint". I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. "Did you hear?". Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. "That kid -- he has a brain bleed". My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don't make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week-- "Are you sure you are ok?".  My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. "Id rather die than come into work tonight". "Pull out in front of this semi truck-- we wont feel a thing I promise". "Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot". In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life-- I am apathetic about living. I'm not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal?  I have to answer one question before I leave. "Where will I go?"   I am burnt out. Everyone says "go to nursing school", but the passion-- the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I'm up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn't put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don't want to wait in the waiting room.  They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes-- fighting off their own demons. "Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral". I don't try and talk these people down because they don't want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just "un-know" the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren't alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?

[genericpseudonyms]

this is what makes us girls

‘Tell me something nice.’

My head is in the crook of her shoulder and we are sprawled out on the couch. My dog lies between her legs because she likes to feel cornered in. Some mindless TV show is blaring but I can’t focus on anything on screen. The only thing I can think about is the same negative feedback loop my brain has been circling for the past forty-eight hours.

‘Ugh, this again?’

‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I’m spiraling. Tell me something nice.’

‘You have good hair,’ she says in a deadpan. ‘And it’s attached to a very smart head. Though, it’s not being terribly smart at the moment.’

I wave my hand. ‘Keep going.’

‘You’re killing me.’

‘I’m sad. I’m killing myself.’

She gives me a look.

‘Bad joke?’

‘Bad joke,’ she agrees.

‘Well, keep going then.’

‘You’re smart.’

‘You said that already.’

She sucks in her breath through her teeth. ‘You’re pretty. Very pretty. Too pretty for all those losers that keep pining after you.’

‘All zero of them. And I’m not pretty.’

‘You leave a trail of bitter nerd hearts behind you. You’re just too oblivious to notice. And yes, you are.’

I grab her hand and she drops her knitting needle. Cupping her hand in mine, I use it to stroke my own hair, like I am her puppet master. I have to. She'll never do this on her own. ‘See, this is how you comfort someone who’s feeling shitty. I am not someone people pine after. I’m the third unwanted leg of the love triangle. Always have been, always will be.’

‘Oh my god,’ she says. I can’t see her face, but I know she’s rolling her eyes. ‘That is not how love triangles work. And just because you’re blinder than a bat, doesn’t make what I say untrue. What’s his face,’ she snaps her fingers, trying to remember, ‘you know, that guy.’

‘Ah yes. That guy. So descriptive. So helpful. ’

‘The guy at Em’s wedding.’

‘Will? The weirdo who wouldn’t hug Em on her own wedding day? The one I yelled for fifteen minutes for being a giant dick to you both? The one who ran up to you to say that I was scary as fuck? That guy?’

‘Yeah. Him. He pined after you.’

My eyes roll so hard they almost fall out of my head. ‘Yay.’

‘You’re a bright, sparkly unicorn. You just have to find another bright, sparkly unicorn.’

‘I don’t want to be a unicorn.’

‘Psh. Please. Everyone wants to be a unicorn.’

‘Well, I don’t. Voldemort’s just gonna suck my blood. It’s not a good time.’

‘Then what do you want?’

I pause. This is the question everyone keeps asking me and I have no answer that sticks. ‘I just want to...meeehhhh.’

‘Use your words. Articulate what you’re feeling.’

‘I don’t wanna.’

‘You’re so fucking annoying.’

‘I’m just...lonely is all. And confused.’

‘About?’

‘Everything.’

‘Everything?’ If I look up, I’ll see her giving me an arched brow and a look that screams Bitch Please, I Do Not Have Time For Your Pity Party.

‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about anything or anyone anymore. It feels like my memories and gut instincts are all wrong. I don’t know how to trust if someone’s actually telling me the truth, if they’re lying, or they think they’re telling the truth but actually lying to themselves, or something else entirely.’

‘Well yeah,” she says. ‘You can only accept what people tell you is true. You’ll drive yourself crazy otherwise.’

‘Do you think I’m overreacting? Isn’t this how immigrant families are?’ I bite my lip. ‘What if I’m just being oversensitive?’

She frees her hand from my grasp so she can go back to knitting, though I’m not making it easy. Our arms are all entwined and I know she’s being exceedingly patient with me. ‘No. This is normal when people lie to you your whole life. Tiger Moms and whatever are a thing but...they still support their kids. They don’t do what they did. Yeah the love is conditional but it’s not...They don’t leave you locked in a basement with no food.’ She pauses. ‘It’s a miracle you’re not shitty like your cousins. You’re doing real good.’

That calms me down a bit. Either that, or the sleeping pill is finally kicking in. ‘You love me.’

‘Not this again.’

‘Hey,’ I say, pretending to be miffed. ‘You shouldn’t only say it when I’m sobbing on your shoulder after a nervous breakdown. You can’t deny it. I heard you say it.’

‘Of course I love you,’ she says, making no eye contact. ‘I’m just not effusive like Em is. I don’t do mushy feeling things. That’s what Em is for.’

‘Em is in St. Louis and you know doctor hours are crazy. You’re what I got.’

‘Yeah,’ she says, patting me on the back. ‘Sucks for you.’

It’s not so bad, really. But I’m not going to tell her that. I’ll be thirty soon, and my life is absolutely nothing like what I thought it would be ten years ago. I’m not married—and I’m pretty sure I never will be. I don’t have kids, and I’m not sure I’ll ever get the chance to. But I am a writer. A real bonafide, paid writer, and that’s something I never thought I’d manage. I’m also moping on the couch with my roommate and best friend of 15 years. And soon she’ll be leaving me for her own apartment.

‘I’m sad you’re leaving,’ I say. ‘Like, I’m glad for you. I’m not trying to be selfish. I totally meant it when I helped with your application. Like, I was so happy to help with your appeal and I’m not saying—‘

‘Shhhhh,’ she replies. ‘I know. You royally screwed yourself over to help me out. Only an idiot does that.’

‘Hey!’

‘What are you gonna do when I move out?’

‘Well, M is moving in.’

‘Yeah but he’s rarely gonna be around. He’ll check up on you but you know his hours.’

‘I’ll be fine. I’m always okay.’

She gives me a stern look. We both know I’m absolute shit at taking care of myself. As soon as she moves out, I will go back to eating maybe once a day, if that, and staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning writing. I will probably drink a few too many cups of coffee and refuse to tell people when I’m doing poorly. The dog will be fine though. I’ve always been better at taking care of others.

‘You survive. That’s different from being okay.’

‘I’ll be fiiiine. I made it seven years overseas, didn’t I?’

Lips pursed, she goes back to knitting. ‘You better be. I don’t wanna make new friends. I’m too old for that shit.’

‘When we’re seventy, let’s get a beach house and live together again,’ I say. ‘We’ll either be divorced or our spouses will be dead. Our children, if we have any, won’t need us. We can be old and crotchety together. I’ll yell at the kids to get off my holographic lawn. Do beach houses have lawns?’

‘That’s always been the plan. Beach houses can have lawns if they’re holographic.’

‘This would all be easier if you were a lesbian,’ I gripe. ‘We’re already that old sexless married couple that constantly bickers and shops at sales.’

‘I’m sorry I can’t fulfill you in that way. Plus, even if I were a lesbian, you know we wouldn’t work out.’

It’s true. We wouldn’t. We’d be at each other’s throats in a half-second. She’s blunt. I’m overly sensitive. She’s a woman of few words. I blabber and blather because I don’t know when to shut up or go home. She’s private. I don’t give a rat’s ass who knows my dirty laundry—well, most of my dirty laundry. We’re oil and water, but as friends, it somehow it works. I understand her, and she understands me. It’s that simple.

‘But you’ve thought of it,’ I say.

‘Ugh, no.’

I smile. She totally has.

‘I’ll ask M if he’s still in love with you.’

‘Oh god.’ She stops knitting and scrunches up her face. ‘Oh god please no. It’s been fourteen years.’

‘Why do you think I’m okay with his straight ass moving in here? He can’t fall in love with me if he’s too busy pining after you. For fourteen years. See, that’s what pining looks like. Holy fuck we’re old.’

‘Oh please. You’re just happy he’s gonna teach you how to properly twirl a lightsaber. The two of you are just gonna be waving your glow sticks in the driveway like dorks.’

‘Duh. Live-in Jedi master. How cool is that?’

‘Better?’

I think for a second. I have not wanted to metaphorically stick my head in an oven ala Sylvia Plath for a solid twenty minutes. (She has also hid our copy of The Bell Jar from me.) I am not crying hysterically and have not cried hysterically in a long time. If I have my way, nothing will ever make me cry that hard again except for puppies dying in movies.  

‘Better.’

‘Good, cuz you can drink this Ensure. You’ve only had two today.’

‘Oh my fucking god, please just end me. I can’t. I would rather lick your feet than drink another one of these. I would rather lick the dog’s feet. I ate lunch and dinner today. Two meals. I’m up to two. Do you know how much this shit tastes like ass? Chalky, chalky ass. It says chocolate, but it’s ass. No, please. Don’t make me. Oh god, no. Why. For fuck’s sake why.’

‘Cuz Em said you gotta have 3 a day. Cuz your ‘lunch’ and ‘dinner’ were like, one regular person meal. Do you want scurvy?’

‘I’m not a pirate. I can’t get scurvy.’

‘Don’t sass me. Drink it.’ She twists open the cap and hands me the bottle. I’m trapped now. She knows I hate wasting food.

‘Ughhhhhhhhh.’

‘The sooner you get back to eating, the sooner you don’t have to drink these. Speaking of which, I ordered you another case.’

‘Another case??? I’m back on food. I don’t need another case.’

‘I don’t need you getting cocky and then starving to death when I leave.’

‘I’m not gonna starve. There’s GrubHub and Seamless. And like, bread. I can eat toast.’

‘My god woman.’ She thwaps me upside the head. ‘Toast is not a meal. Toast is bread. Bread is nothing. Your grocery bill is gonna like, shrink to nothing.’

‘So not true. I eat. When like, I’m not depressed. I ate a whole burrito and burger the other day cuz I was pissed. Anger requires calories.’

‘Oh please. You have two modes. Eat everything in sight in like, two seconds, because you’re convinced you’ll never eat again. Or like, you pick at your food like some skinny ballerina.’

‘Well, you know why.’

‘Yeah, I know why. Still.’

I glance down at the Ensure bottle. She won’t budge until it’s empty and I know it’s good for me. Grimacing, I chug until it’s all gone. It’s better that way.

‘God, are you happy now?’

‘Yup.’

It occurs to me that this is the first time in my life someone has taken care of me when I’m like this. Usually, I spend weeks alone in my room, crying silently until I fall asleep. I end up fighting with parents or exes about why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just turn off this part of my brain and power through?

‘I’m gonna miss you when you leave,’ I say.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ she replies. ‘I’ll be a train ride away. And it won’t be that godawful ride when you were living in bumblefuck nowhere in Flushing.’

‘Still.’

‘Yeah.’

We sit in silence and watch the TV. She’s not leaving tomorrow. Or even the day after that. There’s still some time left.

‘Are you ever gonna give me my arm back?’ she gives me a look and I flash her my cheekiest smile.

‘When you’re gone, there’s no way I can curl up with M like this.’

‘...Fine.’

[batterymonster2021]

The price of shame | Monica Lewinsky

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/the-price-of-shame-monica-lewinsky-7/

The price of shame | Monica Lewinsky

You’re watching at a girl who was publicly silent for a decade. Obviously, that is transformed, but most effective not too long ago. It used to be several months ago that I gave my very first principal public talk on the Forbes 30 beneath 30 summit: 1,500 exceptional humans, all underneath the age of 30. That supposed that in 1998, the oldest among the many staff have been only 14, and the youngest, simply 4. I joked with them that some could simplest have heard of me from rap songs. Yes, i am in rap songs. Almost 40 rap songs. (Laughter) however the night time of my speech, a stunning thing happened.On the age of 41, I was once hit on through a 27-12 months-ancient guy. I do know, correct? He was once charming and i was flattered, and i declined. You already know what his unsuccessful pickup line used to be? He would make me think 22 once more. (Laughter) (Applause) i noticed later that night, i’m ordinarily the only person over 40 who does now not wish to be 22 again. (Laughter) (Applause) on the age of twenty-two, I fell in love with my boss, and at the age of 24, I realized the devastating consequences. Am i able to see a exhibit of fingers of anyone here who failed to make a mistake or do whatever they regretted at 22? Yep.That is what I suggestion. So like me, at 22, a couple of of you could have additionally taken flawed turns and fallen in love with the unsuitable person, possibly even your boss. Unlike me, though, your boss by and large wasn’t the president of the united states of america. Of path, existence is filled with surprises. Not a day goes by using that i’m not reminded of my mistake, and that i remorse that mistake deeply. In 1998, after having been swept up into an unbelievable romance, I was once then swept up into the attention of a political, authorized and media maelstrom like we had not ever obvious before. Take into account, only some years earlier, information used to be consumed from just three places: reading a newspaper or magazine, paying attention to the radio, or watching television. That was once it. However that wasn’t my destiny. As an alternative, this scandal was once brought to you via the digital revolution.That meant we could entry all the information we wanted, once we wanted it, each time, wherever, and when the story broke in January 1998, it broke online. It used to be the first time the normal information used to be usurped through the web for a foremost news story, a click on that reverberated all over the world. What that meant for me personally was that overnight I went from being a utterly private determine to a publicly humiliated one international.I used to be patient zero of dropping a private repute on a world scale nearly immediately. This rush to judgment, enabled by using science, resulted in mobs of virtual stone-throwers. Granted, it used to be earlier than social media, but men and women would still remark online, e-mail stories, and, of path, electronic mail merciless jokes. News sources plastered pictures of me far and wide to sell newspapers, banner advertisements on-line, and to hold persons tuned to the tv. Do you recall a exact photograph of me, say, sporting a beret? Now, I admit I made errors, certainly sporting that beret. However the awareness and judgment that I acquired, not the story, but that I individually received, used to be unparalleled.I was branded as a tramp, tart, slut, whore, bimbo, and, of course, that lady. I was seen by way of many however surely known via few. And that i get it: it was once effortless to put out of your mind that that woman used to be dimensional, had a soul, and was once unbroken. When this occurred to me 17 years ago, there was once no identify for it. Now we call it cyberbullying and on-line harassment. Today, I need to share a few of my experience with you, speak about how that experience has helped shape my cultural observations, and how i’m hoping my prior expertise can lead to a transformation that outcome in much less suffering for others. In 1998, I misplaced my status and my dignity. I lost just about everything, and i virtually lost my life. Let me paint a photo for you. It’s September of 1998. I’m sitting in a windowless place of business room inside the office of the independent suggestions underneath buzzing fluorescent lights. I am listening to the sound of my voice, my voice on surreptitiously taped mobile calls that a supposed buddy had made the year earlier than. I am here due to the fact i’ve been legally required to personally authenticate all 20 hours of taped dialog.For the earlier eight months, the mysterious content material of those tapes has hung like the Sword of Damocles over my head. I mean, who can don’t forget what they mentioned a year in the past? Scared and mortified, I pay attention, hear as I prattle on about the flotsam and jetsam of the day; hear as I confess my love for the president, and, of direction, my heartbreak; take heed to my routinely catty, normally churlish, sometimes silly self being merciless, unforgiving, uncouth; hear, deeply, deeply ashamed, to the worst version of myself, a self i do not even appreciate.A few days later, the Starr report is launched to Congress, and all of those tapes and transcripts, those stolen phrases, kind a part of it. That persons can learn the transcripts is horrific enough, however a few weeks later, the audio tapes are aired on tv, and big parts made on hand on-line. The public humiliation was once excruciating. Lifestyles was just about unbearable. This was once no longer something that occurred with regularity back then in 1998, and via this, I imply the stealing of individuals’s personal words, actions, conversations or graphics, and then making them public — public without consent, public without context, and public with out compassion.Fast ahead 12 years to 2010, and now social media has been born. The panorama has alas become way more populated with situations like mine, whether or not someone virtually make a mistake, and now it can be for both public and exclusive individuals. The penalties for some have turn out to be dire, very dire. I was once on the cell with my mom in September of 2010, and we had been speakme concerning the information of a young school freshman from Rutgers university named Tyler Clementi. Sweet, touchy, ingenious Tyler was secretly webcammed by using his roommate at the same time being intimate with an additional man. When the online world realized of this incident, the ridicule and cyberbullying ignited. Just a few days later, Tyler jumped from the George Washington Bridge to his loss of life. He was once 18. My mother was beside herself about what occurred to Tyler and his household, and she or he was once gutted with affliction in a way that I just couldn’t really recognize, and then eventually i spotted she used to be reliving 1998, reliving a time when she sat via my mattress each night time, reliving a time when she made me bathe with the lavatory door open, and reliving a time when both of my father and mother feared that i would be humiliated to demise, actually.Today, too many mother and father have not had the hazard to step in and rescue their cherished ones. Too many have learned of their baby’s suffering and humiliation after it was too late. Tyler’s tragic, senseless death was once a turning point for me. It served to recontextualize my experiences, and i then began to appear on the world of humiliation and bullying around me and see some thing distinctive. In 1998, we had no approach of figuring out where this brave new technological know-how referred to as the web would take us. On account that then, it has related individuals in unattainable approaches, becoming a member of misplaced siblings, saving lives, launching revolutions, however the darkness, cyberbullying, and slut-shaming that I skilled had mushroomed. Daily on-line, persons, in particular younger folks who are usually not developmentally organized to manage this, are so abused and humiliated that they can’t imagine living to the next day to come, and some, tragically, don’t, and there may be nothing digital about that.ChildLine, a U.Okay. Nonprofit that is enthusiastic about serving to young humans on more than a few problems, launched a striking statistic late final year: From 2012 to 2013, there was an 87 percentage increase in calls and emails regarding cyberbullying. A meta-analysis executed out of the Netherlands showed that for the primary time, cyberbullying used to be main to suicidal ideations more drastically than offline bullying. And what stunned me, despite the fact that it do not have, was once different research final yr that determined humiliation used to be a more intensely felt emotion than either happiness or even anger.Cruelty to others is nothing new, however on-line, technologically improved shaming is amplified, uncontained, and completely available. The echo of embarrassment used to prolong best as far as your loved ones, village, institution or community, but now it is the web neighborhood too. Hundreds of thousands of people, traditionally anonymously, can stab you with their words, and that’s a lot of discomfort, and there are not any perimeters round what number of individuals can publicly notice you and put you in a public stockade. There’s a very personal price to public humiliation, and the progress of the internet has jacked up that price. For close to two a long time now, we now have slowly been sowing the seeds of shame and public humiliation in our cultural soil, both on- and offline.Gossip web pages, paparazzi, reality programming, politics, information retailers and sometimes hackers all site visitors in shame. It is led to desensitization and a permissive environment on-line which lends itself to trolling, invasion of privateness, and cyberbullying. This shift has created what Professor Nicolaus Mills calls a culture of humiliation. Do not forget just a few distinguished examples simply from the past six months on my own. Snapchat, the service which is used in general by way of more youthful generations and claims that its messages only have the lifespan of some seconds. That you may imagine the range of content that that will get. A third-social gathering app which Snapchatters use to maintain the lifespan of the messages was once hacked, and a hundred,000 private conversations, portraits, and movies were leaked online to now have a lifespan of without end. Jennifer Lawrence and a number of different actors had their iCloud debts hacked, and confidential, intimate, nude graphics were plastered across the internet without their permission. One gossip internet site had over 5 million hits for this one story. And what concerning the Sony photographs cyberhacking? The documents which bought probably the most concentration were confidential emails that had highest public embarrassment value.However in this culture of humiliation, there is an extra form of price tag connected to public shaming. The price does now not measure the rate to the victim, which Tyler and too many others, in particular ladies, minorities, and contributors of the LGBTQ community have paid, however the price measures the profit of individuals who prey on them. This invasion of others is a uncooked fabric, effectually and ruthlessly mined, packaged and bought at a revenue. A marketplace has emerged the place public humiliation is a commodity and shame is an industry.How is the cash made? Clicks. The extra disgrace, the more clicks. The extra clicks, the extra advertising bucks. We’re in a harmful cycle. The extra we click on this kind of gossip, the extra numb we get to the human lives at the back of it, and the extra numb we get, the more we click on. The entire even as, anyone is being profitable off of the back of anyone else’s suffering. With every click on, we make a choice. The extra we saturate our culture with public shaming, the more authorised it is, the more we will see habits like cyberbullying, trolling, some varieties of hacking, and online harassment. Why? Because all of them have humiliation at their cores. This conduct is a symptom of the culture now we have created. Simply suppose about it. Changing behavior starts offevolved with evolving beliefs. Now we have visible that to be proper with racism, homophobia, and plenty of other biases, today and in the past. As we have now transformed beliefs about equal-intercourse marriage, more men and women were furnished equal freedoms. When we started valuing sustainability, more people started to recycle. So so far as our culture of humiliation goes, what we want is a cultural revolution.Public shaming as a blood game has to stop, and it can be time for an intervention on the net and in our tradition. The shift starts offevolved with anything easy, but it surely’s now not easy. We must return to an extended-held price of compassion — compassion and empathy. Online, we have received a compassion deficit, an empathy drawback. Researcher Bren Brown mentioned, and i quote, "disgrace cannot survive empathy." disgrace cannot live on empathy. I’ve obvious some very dark days in my lifestyles, and it was once the compassion and empathy from my family, buddies, experts, and usually even strangers that saved me. Even empathy from one individual could make a difference. The idea of minority influence, proposed through social psychologist Serge Moscovici, says that even in small numbers, when there may be consistency over time, trade can happen. In the online world, we can foster minority impact by becoming upstanders. To turn out to be an upstander way as an alternative of bystander apathy, we will submit a confident remark for any individual or document a bullying quandary. Trust me, compassionate comments support abate the negativity. We are able to also counteract the culture through supporting firms that deal with these types of disorders, like the Tyler Clementi foundation in the U.S., in the U.Ok., there’s Anti-Bullying professional, and in Australia, there is undertaking Rockit.We talk so much about our right to freedom of expression, but we need to speak extra about our accountability to freedom of expression. We all wish to be heard, however let’s acknowledge the change between talking up with intention and speakme up for concentration. The web is the superhighway for the identity, but online, showing empathy to others benefits us all and helps create a safer and better world. We have to keep in touch on-line with compassion, consume information with compassion, and click on with compassion. Simply think running a mile in any individual else’s headline. I’d like to end on a individual note. In the past nine months, the question i have been asked essentially the most is why. Why now? Why was I sticking my head above the parapet? Which you can learn between the strains in those questions, and the reply has nothing to do with politics. The highest word answer was and is considering that it’s time: time to discontinue tip-toeing round my prior; time to stop residing a life of opprobrium; and time to take back my narrative.It is also now not just about saving myself. Anyone who’s affected by shame and public humiliation wants to understand one factor: that you could live to tell the tale it. I realize it’s rough. It might not be painless, quick or easy, however you could insist on yet another ending to your story. Have compassion for your self. All of us deserve compassion, and to are living both online and off in a more compassionate world. Thank you for listening. (Applause) .

[bnymedic]

First responder suicide – PTSD, or something else?

Its 1:30am. I sit on my computer in complete darkness, having just slept for the past 10 hours. As a Paramedic in a suburb of a relatively small US city, I work 12 hours shifts for 4 straight days. I get 4 days off to recuperate after that, and at this point in my career those days are essential for my survival. Many of my co-workers are not lucky enough to be able to stop at just 4 days, and must work additional overtime shifts in order to make ends meet. The private EMS industry has relatively low wages nationwide. We are the “red headed step child” of emergency services, often hiding in the shadows of police officers, firefighters, and nurses. There is no such thing as a “typical” shift when working in EMS. There are the occasional shifts where I will sit in the parking lot of the local convenience store chain for 12 straight hours without picking up a single patient. The glow of my cell phone screen illuminating my face for each passing person to see the life draining out of my body. The boredom sets in after hour 2.  My legs and butt hurt. I am hungry, but I can’t tell if its true hunger or just my body telling me to get up and move. I decide to walk inside to browse the aisles of colorful treats, getting nauseous at the thought of eating “lunch” out of a gas station at midnight for the 3rd day in a row. Despite my disgust, I walk outside with 2,000 or more calories of junk food at a time in an attempt to eat myself to death. “Ill be diabetic by the end of the week” I say to my partner as I open my fudge dipped granola bar. As the career of a first responder goes on, most quickly start to pack on the pounds like a bear preparing for winter. Company policy prevents you from sleeping during your shift, so your food (if you can call it that) is washed down with 16oz of your favorite energy drink to keep you awake and ready to pick grandma up off the floor when she attempts her 2am bathroom run. I have palpitations from all the caffeine. Hopefully one day those PVC’s turn into an arrhythmia and the lord takes me. “Anything to get out of this job” I say, as I polish off my second monster of the night.  Morning rolls around. 50mg of benadryl will help me fall asleep after drinking energy drinks all night long. I have severe shift sleep disorder. I am depressed. I just want to sleep. I wake up ready to go after just 4 hours of sleep. Great. Another night of pounding monsters. I punch in 15 minutes early for my next shift and am assigned a call before I am even scheduled to start. I am the only ambulance available in the surrounding 15 square miles of suburbia, and that trend will continue for the next 12 hours. Call after call, I don’t have time to finish my paperwork before being sent on the next run. Its 11pm and dispatch calls my unit number for the 5th time today– “With the fire department for a 1 year old post choking”. I have taken 50 calls of the same nature before and say out loud– “Great, another bullshit call”. Every day, nervous parents call 911 over the slightest cough or sniffle which eventually numbs you to the potential of a true pediatric emergency. Its never a real emergency. Until it is. Rolling up on scene after the fire department, I grab my house bag and begin to waddle towards the low income apartment building for the third time this week. I think – “I should have brought the tablet for a signature so I don’t have to walk back outside”. Suddenly, a firefighter rounds the corner carrying a limp child like he is holding an offering platter. “That’s not good” I blurt out , going from zero to 100 in the snap of a finger. The firefighter tells me the child was eating chicken and rice when he began to choke.  As my partner digs out the pediatric bag valve mask that has been sitting unused in the house bag for an unknown number of years, I set up the suction, only to find an unresponsive, apneic child with a clenched jaw. “That doesn’t make sense” I think to myself as I try to peel apart his tiny jaw without any luck. Thank god– he has a gap in his front tooth that fits a small, 12fr suction catheter. I start to go through the motions. Is he seizing? Nope. Any trauma visible or reported? No. Mom was asked again– and again says the child was sitting up, eating, and suddenly started choking. What is going on here? With little to be done on scene, I rush to the small local hospital, nervous that the next squeeze of the bag could lodge a piece of food in this kids airway. I am getting good air exchange but his spo2 isn’t amazing. He must have aspirated. Great news. He is now moving his arms, and his eyes just opened. Wait, why is his jaw still clenched? That’s not great news. This kid hasn’t made a noise. What the fuck is going on. As I roll the stretcher into the small emergency room closest to the scene, I am greeted with that dreaded sentence from the ER Physician– “why did you bring him here and not children’s hospital”.  I bite my tongue– its not the time to have that fight. The kid is now posturing. A few minutes go by and the doctor asks me to get my laryngoscope because the emergency room is not currently stocked with the proper pediatric equipment. Maybe he was right. The thoughts start rushing through my head– “they are going to kill this kid. I should have just risked it and bypassed. It was only an extra 7 minutes or so further”. As I sit there and wait for the next order, new thoughts take over. “Someone shook this kid. There is no other explanation”.  Hypertensive, bradycardic, posturing. But mom said he was choking on rice? Where would she get that from? Hmm. She doesn’t seem as concerned as a mother should be. She answers a text message while being questioned by the police.  She has yet to ask anyone how her son is doing. The texts start to come in to my phone. “Are you ok?”. “I hear you had a bad call. You guys ok?” “WTF was that all about?”. I am fine. Any provider who plans to have a lengthy career has to distance themselves from their patients. I can think back to every “bad” call I’ve taken, and never once have I been able to recall processing a patients face. Its not important. What they look like is irrelevant to my job. Its the circle of life. Some people live, some people die. Its my job to try and make that circle a little bit bigger if I can. Sometimes you are successful, sometimes you aren’t. You have to come to terms with that early on. Minutes after calling in service from restocking, the radio chimes my unit number again. “Cold response to the fitness center for a hand laceration”. I arrive on scene to find a psych standing out front in his blue paper clothes, clearly having been to an emergency room at least once today. “Hop on in buddy– take a seat” I say as I shake my head. We drive him 3 blocks down the street to the same emergency room we left just a couple hours prior. I am not greeted like one would expect. Not with “Hello”, not with “whats the chief complaint”. I am greeted with a sentence that is never good news. “Did you hear?”. Our child from earlier had been emergently transferred 6 miles away to the childrens hospital by a specialty transport team. The news from them was not good. “That kid – he has a brain bleed”. My suspicions were confirmed. He was never choking. Someone hurt this kid and tried to cover it up. I know how to handle this, because its not even the first time this situation has happened to me. People hurt kids often enough that I am not even shocked. Stories like this don’t make the news *for a reason*. People cant handle stuff like this. No one needs to know that savages live in apartment 3. Some people have to know though. WE have to know. Its not OK. I talk about suicide often. My previous partner was a veteran and has PTSD from being deployed overseas. He has had many friends commit suicide after returning from war, and was concerned about my mental health. That should concern me. He would ask me once a week– “Are you sure you are ok?”.  My little comments here and there come off as jokes to most people. “Id rather die than come into work tonight”. “Pull out in front of this semi truck– we wont feel a thing I promise”. “Stage for police? Fuck that. I hope I get shot”. In reality, its not a joke. I am not suicidal at this point in my life– I am apathetic about living. I’m not going to take my own life, but I am definitely not excited when I wake up each morning. This feeling has slowly crept up on me over my almost 10 year career as a paramedic. I tell myself daily that I need to get out before its too late. What will be the breaking point where I become truly suicidal?  I have to answer one question before I leave. “Where will I go?”   I am burnt out. Everyone says “go to nursing school”, but the passion– the fire inside that makes you want to help people has been extinguished for years. Where can you go at 30+ years old with a paramedic certification and no useful degree. I have made financial commitments at my age that makes starting from scratch somewhere at entry level wages an impossibility. What can I do? Where can I go? I am stuck. This job is like quick sand, and I’m up to my shoulders. If I struggle much more it will be above my head. We get to see what goes on behind the curtains of society. How much would you enjoy a magic show if you knew how the magic was performed? That is what life is like for many first responders. Members of the general public get to wear blinders during their day to day lives. There are people who post rants to facebook if the garbage man didn’t put their garbage can back in the correct spot. A terrible day for a typical person is a flat tire on the way home from work. They have no idea what happens in their town or city on a day to day basis. They have NO IDEA that 3 doors down, a husband beat the shit out of his wife for the 4rd time this year and she wont tell the police what happened. They have NO IDEA that people call an ambulance from the parking lot of an emergency room because they don’t want to wait in the waiting room.  They have NO IDEA that someone in apartment 3 just hurt their baby and tried to cover it up. But we know. We see it all. I have talked with a lot of people who have similar feelings. Its due to me being so open about my apathy towards life. People who I see every day, smiling at their coworkers and telling war stories and laughing. You would never guess these people were at the end of their ropes– fighting off their own demons. “Make sure they have bagpipes at my funeral”. I don’t try and talk these people down because they don’t want help. How could I help anyways? You cant just “un-know” the things we know. These people just feel comfort in the fact that they aren’t alone. I have been lucky that none of these people have taken their lives yet. I know the day is coming. Its been a long time since a co-worker has committed suicide, and the statistics say we are over-due. How will I handle it?

[blog-optimisticcoffeestuden-blog]

What is Patient’s Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

"What is Patient's Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

My dental insurance company processed a claim by my dentist and denied it because of their contractual agreement with the provider that any fillings re-worked within 2 years are not the patients responsibility.  The providers benefit statement regarding this service states, The amounts shown as payable by you and by Delta Dental are in accordance with the terms of your dental plan and the terms of our agreement with your dental provider.    The benefits statement shows my 80% benefit level for this service.  The insurance company is not saying that I am ineligible for the benefit.  Rather, they are saying that the dentist is not eligible to be paid for this service (by either the insurance company or me) based on his contract with Delta Dental and the benefits to be provided by Delta Dental and paid by the customer.  The benefits statements includes notes explaining why the claim was denied.    The underlying question is: What is the patients responsibility when the insurance provider says it is zero in accordance with the insurance agreements that all parties are abiding by?  Said differently, Is the insurance company the final arbiter of amounts owed by the patient?    Does the insurance agreement prevail?  Or does the doctor truly have the right to demand payment for amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe?  I realize the patient is responsible for co-pays and deductibles.  But I am pretty convinced that if the insurance company is denying the claim and also stating the patient has no responsibility, then the patient truly has no responsibility until and unless the provider gets the claim processed differently.  The provider agreed to be bound by insurance processing when he agreed to accept this provider and its terms and benefits.  Insurance companies routinely adjust the submitted fee downward to the accepted/contractual fee and providers routinely accept those adjustments (and that is one of the reasons we have this complex insurance system: to adjust charges to reasonable levels and protect patients.  We pay tons of premiums for this benefit).  It makes no sense to then claim the patient owes other amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe.

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://insureinfo.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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I'm 28. No accidents, no tickets. I work from home. Go to school online. Car is garaged kept, old and driven only a few times a week, within 3 miles of home. I'm in no way a danger or menace to society. Through mistakes (ages 18-24) I have bad credit. Current insurance, paid 6 mos in advance is coming up for renewal, and has risen due to bad credit. I do not think I fit the criteria of high risk in terms of claims or bad driving.""

Why is barebones insurance for me going to be...?

...$150 a month for a 1985 gmc s15 4x4, valued at approx. $200 with the very basic coverage, liability only type thing. i have a 2002 chevy s10 2wd and its only $350 a month with total coverage. what the heck?! im 18, have a couple traffic violations but nothing serious (22km/h over the limit and an amended stunting ticket), i live on my own, have a steady job, and am looking for something that i can get stuck in the mud and dont give a crap about. any one know where i can go to get really cheap insurance for this? i live in alberta so it limits my choices a little from the world wide options. thanks everybody""

Good student discount for car insurance?

so...i just completed my first year of college, and quite frankly i finished up poorly. my GPA is like a little over 2.4-2.5 and my dad is asking if i'll be able to send my transcript to the insurance (my dad is unaware of my grades). no chance of getting some discount or any at all??...i've kept my grades from my dad for quite some time, and now this is totally gonna blow my cover. i'm screwed aren't i? i'm a full time student and the insurance company is american family. so i guess my question is, do they discount % based on intervals of GPA, or is there just a minimum requirement and it's either you get a discount or not?""

Looking for affordable health insurance in California?

Is there any way that an individual might be able to join an existing health insurande group? I am single, and my job does not offer insurance. I am 28 and healthy, but the costs of individual plans are out of my budget. I was just wondering if there was a better way to insure myself on the up and up.""

How much do car rental agencies typically charge for insurance?

How much do car rental agencies typically charge for insurance?

Car accident with no insurance in FL?

I was in a car accident where the other driver admitted it was her fault, and i had a witness - as well as the officer saying it was my right away. However, I did not have insurance.. I assumed I was still under my parents name but my dad took me off their insurance a couple months ago. My car is totaled, and im in some pain ( nothing minor, just very sore )Where can I go from here? is my only option to call a lawyer or can i directly go to her insurance? all i want is a rental for the time being and to get money to buy a new car ( so w.e money my totaled car was worth) i want to make this as easy and fast as possible which is why i dont want a laywer involved. is that basically my only choice though? Thanks""

Cost of ticket for driving without insurance?

im 16 and i need to get to work tomorow...my stepmom has to work so the only way to get to work is taking my dad's 2007 toyota tundra. if i get pulled over about how much will the ticket cost? i have my liscense just not insurance. i also live in texas

How much do you need to pay for car insurance in NY?

I dont have a car and dont know anything about car insurance, just want to know the basics.""

What type of car would have the cheapest insurance? Over 25 but 2 dui's... I know... stupid...?

I just got my release for my license back and am looking for a new used car. I'm also trying to keep the insurance price down (I'm sure like everyone). Any suggestions on a type of car or insurance company that would be good to use please let me know. thnx

How much would insurance cost for a 2002 Mitsubishi Eclipse?

I'm 17 years old with a clean driving record. All the insurance websites won't give you quotes until your 18, and i'm just curious how much monthly insurance would be because i'm paying for it.""

""Any companies you would recommend for cheaper car insurance rates (in Ontario, Canada)?

I've been calling around some of the major companies and the quoted rates have been sky high despite my spotless record. Maybe there's some hidden gem companies out there? I hope!

How much would a insurance cost for a 2013 Mercedes c300?

Around how much a year

Where did health insurance companies learn the word affordable? ?

I mean seriously, I check all over and the cheapest I can find with a joke of a copay is $130.00. I, like many other people, live paycheck to paycheck with generally less than a dollar at the time of receiving my next check. It is just ridiculous. And before I get any answers about how wonderful Obamacare will be: no, that's as useful as getting a credit card to pay off a mortgage. Besides, if was for the good of the people, why are we to be FORCED into it instead of deciding for ourselves?""

How to get car insurance cheaper for new drivers?

How to get car insurance cheaper for new drivers?

Health Insurance for Low Income?

We are looking for an affordable health insurance plan. I'm 39 and my husband is 45 living in San Francisco. Healthy and never had injuries or big illness. We used to have a kaiser plan around $600/m and $25 for every visit. Any better deals?

Car insurance calculator?

is there anyplace online to give you an estimated insurance payment based on age, and model and year of vehicle? im trying to find out what car is affordable for me insurance wise and dont want to bug my family insurance company with quotes on several different cars lol""

I can't afford my car insurance...?

I need transportation so I can work. But why should I have to choose between car insurance or food and medicine? Shouldn't the Government come up with a single payer plan for automotive insurance too! Its not fair that I have to pay for this out of my own pocket.

Is commercial auto insurance much more expensive than personal?

I have a little Mr. Fix it business on the side and I carry a few tools in my SUV. I am thinking of getting a commercial auto policy. Will it be more expensive than personal and how ...show more

How much can we expect to get from insurance for replacement of car door?

Our 2003 Hyundai Sonata got backed into recently. The lady hit the front passenger door and smashed it in. It still opens, but sounds awful when it does, and the window doesn't work right (power window). She had Farmers insurance, and I've heard bad things about them, but we're gonna get an estimate from different auto body shops around town. How much can we expect the insurance to pay out for this damage?""

""Worried about getting insurance for a car, when i have bad credit!?""

Is it right that in the UK, some insurance providers can refuse to give you insurance if you have a bad credit rating?? I'm panicing that i wont be able to get insurance when i pass my test!!""

Can I Switch To Another Car Insurance Company?

I hate my current car insurance company. I was paying about $12 less every month with my last one for the same type of coverage. The only reason i got this insurance is because my last one was about to expire. I wanted to go shopping for car insurance and my GF's sister told me about this one and she didn't wanna give me a ride to look for cheaper insurance. I guess she just wanted to get her $25 the car insurance company gave her after i signed up. B*tch. Anyway, I am paying around $45 a month and i wanted to know if i could switch car insurance companies. My current car insurance does not expire until March 2011. Also, will i have to pay that first month down payment thing with the new company???""

What is Patient's Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

My dental insurance company processed a claim by my dentist and denied it because of their contractual agreement with the provider that any fillings re-worked within 2 years are not the patients responsibility.  The providers benefit statement regarding this service states, The amounts shown as payable by you and by Delta Dental are in accordance with the terms of your dental plan and the terms of our agreement with your dental provider.    The benefits statement shows my 80% benefit level for this service.  The insurance company is not saying that I am ineligible for the benefit.  Rather, they are saying that the dentist is not eligible to be paid for this service (by either the insurance company or me) based on his contract with Delta Dental and the benefits to be provided by Delta Dental and paid by the customer.  The benefits statements includes notes explaining why the claim was denied.    The underlying question is: What is the patients responsibility when the insurance provider says it is zero in accordance with the insurance agreements that all parties are abiding by?  Said differently, Is the insurance company the final arbiter of amounts owed by the patient?    Does the insurance agreement prevail?  Or does the doctor truly have the right to demand payment for amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe?  I realize the patient is responsible for co-pays and deductibles.  But I am pretty convinced that if the insurance company is denying the claim and also stating the patient has no responsibility, then the patient truly has no responsibility until and unless the provider gets the claim processed differently.  The provider agreed to be bound by insurance processing when he agreed to accept this provider and its terms and benefits.  Insurance companies routinely adjust the submitted fee downward to the accepted/contractual fee and providers routinely accept those adjustments (and that is one of the reasons we have this complex insurance system: to adjust charges to reasonable levels and protect patients.  We pay tons of premiums for this benefit).  It makes no sense to then claim the patient owes other amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe.

Insurance settlement.?

Back in October, I was hit by a vehicle that was backing out too fast from a parking spot. My vehicle was parked and there was no one in the driver seat. My three children were also ...show more""

Does insurance cost more on a dodge truck with a hemi?

Versus the base 4.7L. The truck is a 2006 if that makes a difference.

What is the best and most affordable insurance for baby?

Or is anyone know if there is any pediatrician for free? I live in California. Thanks

Will my insurance rates go up because of this?

I cancelled my Esurance policy and went to State Farm. I received a cancellation email afterward. My policy with Esurance is set to cancel completely on the 8th but I got an email today saying my policy had lapsed. Will my insurance rates with State Farm go up because of this?

My grandmother bought a life insurance policy for me in 1980...?

My grandmother passed a few months ago, (i was not close to her, long story) I just found out from my aunt that my grandmother had a life insurance policy on me and my sister. I was born in 1980, I'm assuming that's probably when she started paying on the policy. She paid $1.20 a month and my aunt wants to know if I want to continue paying it. What happens if I don't? Can I cash it in? I do not have the policy in front of me but my sister has hers and it says purchased in 1986. the monthly payment was $2.40 for her. And it says something about a cash value on the back. from what I gather it is a whole life/ universal life policy from liberty life insurance out of south carolina. does anyone know if there is a way to calculate the cash value, estimate. I guess I might have to wait until Tuesday to call them to see if it is worth still paying on. (I do have other life insurance on myself)""

""Getting my own car, insurance and registration.?""

I'm getting my own car, but I don't have a license yet. So I was just wondering should I put it under my dad's name first? And also the registration and insurance. Should it be under my dad's name first or can I put it under my name? They were thinking about getting the insurance for me because it would be cheaper but would it be possible for them to get the insurance if the car is under my name?""

All about Nissan 350z? (Nissan 350z Owners plz)?

Okay, Well I just need to ask a couple question.... I've had my eye at the Nissan 350z for a while.... And I know you have to put premium gas on it in order for it to run smoothly... I just need to know from an owner.... How much do you end up paying... How much was the car? How Much was insurance? Gas? Any other things I should know about it? O.o""

Is my daughter covered under my car insurance?

My 18 year old daughter finally got her drivers liscense (how i do not know) She has had it for four days. Last night I let her drive before I put her on my car insurance. She hit a car . I wanted to pay the guy out of my own pocket but it looks to be $4000 in damage. Im pissed .

Car Insurance in Washington?

I recently moved from California to Washington. Is my California car insurance still valid in Washington? Should I cancel my califorinia insurance and get a Washington one?

""USPS Insurance, How much to insure an envolope.?""

Hello, I would like to start selling things online. I would be selling small thin items that I can place in a regular size envelope. I was wondering if anyone knew how much it would cost me to insure the envelope for $25, and maybe $50 for the larger orders to mail at a USPS post office? I couldn't find this information online. ):""

Should I file a claim with auto insurance?

I drove my car into a column in a parking lot, denting and scratching the left side of the car. Repair estimate is about 1600. My insurance deductible is 500. Is it worth filling a claim? How much will my premiums go up if I file a claim? I have excellent record otherwise.""

What other affordable insurance could i get for my kids for them to be able to get braces as needed?

im currently unemployed and have the medical cARD AND MY CHILDREN NEED BRACES WHAT OTHER LOW COST INSURANCE COULD or should i get for them to be able to get the braces they need

""How can i get affordable health insurance, with a low income?""

I work part time,i am physically disabled ,my husb is unemployable,rejected from disability, i have very bad health condition and need health insurance to continue dr.care....How can i get affordable health insurance that won't cost me a fortune? I have gone to the DPA and i was rejected by them. I suffer with depression/(diagnosed bi-polar) ,,disc disease,IBS....i must obtain medical Insurance to continue treatment in order to continue working...how can i get help?""

""Pregnant, no insurance and make too much money for medicaid. Advice?""

I am an independent contractor and have no insurance. I am now pregnant before having a chance to get health insurance. Health insurance once pregnant is way too expensive. I make too much money for government assistance, but not enough to afford private insurance. I'm in a tough spot, and I wonder if anyone has any advice to help me finance my pregnancy.""

Are There Any Affordable Dental Insurance Policys on the Market?

I am wanting some work done on my teeth but do not have dental insurance, where can I find affordable dental insurance?""

Will car towing service affect my future insurance quote?

I had my insurance company tow my car today(roadside assistance), will the towing service increase my future insurance quote? Thanks.""

Whats a good car insurance?

I am 16, no license, looking for car insurance so that i can get my license. i dont have a job, but mom does. at the same time, money is tight. whats an insurance that i can trust that wont hurt the bank?""

Will my insurance go up if i get a traffic ticket for failing to stop at a stop sign?

what if i just pay the bill will my insurance go up? the thing is just this dec 6 2011 they added two new stop signs in a 4 way intersection before, if you were going north or south you didnt have to stop, and only the people going west and east had to stop its been several months since i passed by there and i just zoomed thru the stop sign and obviously violated the law. i bet im not the only one thats been stopped there im in california btw""

MY FRIEND CAR INSURANCE?

I WANT TO KNOW WHY STATE FARM CANCEL PEOPLE INSURANCE MY FRIEND HAS HAD 2 WRECK AND THEY PAY INSURANCE TWICE A YEAR THEY SAY AFTER YOU HAD MORE THEN ONE WRECK NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU BEEN WITH THEM THEY CANCEL AND ALSO ALLSTATE HAS A FORGIVENESS THEY NEVER CANCEL YOU

""I know NOTHING about insurance, I'm looking for car insurance?

My friend sent me the link to this website http://quck-insurance-quote.com and I'm wondering if it is good information I should use?

Auto insurance?

which auto insurance should i get for my 2005 chrysler sebring? i have farmers but its so freaking expensive! i pay 200 dollras every month and i know theres people who pay less i wanna know which insurance would be cheaper? but i want full coverage and everything.

What is the payment you make to the insurance company called?

***Auto Insurance

Insurance about my new car?

Okai so im 19 and in California. My mom just bought me a car(Nissan Versa 2012) today and i was wondering if its really true that new car means higher insurance? Im taking my Actual Test next week so there shouldnt be a problem driving it soon. Btw in AVERAGE how much would i pay a MONTH for the insurance? Thanks Ya'll

Car insurance?

What is THE cheapest car for a newly qualified driver to get insured? I have looked at things like corsa's but they are really expensive to ensure, 5/6 times the value of the car, im female by the way if that matters. I expect to pay alot but i would rather get a better car which is more expensive and cheaper insurance than a crap car with high insurance? Any ideas?""

How long does it take to get billed for an ambulance ride?

I was given an ambulance ride back in April. My insurance had covered it and I am supposed to pay the co-payment as soon as I get the bill via mail. To this day, I still haven't received the bill and I'm told that the billing depends on the ambulance company when I call and ask about it. Does the billing usually take this long?""

What is Patient's Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

My dental insurance company processed a claim by my dentist and denied it because of their contractual agreement with the provider that any fillings re-worked within 2 years are not the patients responsibility.  The providers benefit statement regarding this service states, The amounts shown as payable by you and by Delta Dental are in accordance with the terms of your dental plan and the terms of our agreement with your dental provider.    The benefits statement shows my 80% benefit level for this service.  The insurance company is not saying that I am ineligible for the benefit.  Rather, they are saying that the dentist is not eligible to be paid for this service (by either the insurance company or me) based on his contract with Delta Dental and the benefits to be provided by Delta Dental and paid by the customer.  The benefits statements includes notes explaining why the claim was denied.    The underlying question is: What is the patients responsibility when the insurance provider says it is zero in accordance with the insurance agreements that all parties are abiding by?  Said differently, Is the insurance company the final arbiter of amounts owed by the patient?    Does the insurance agreement prevail?  Or does the doctor truly have the right to demand payment for amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe?  I realize the patient is responsible for co-pays and deductibles.  But I am pretty convinced that if the insurance company is denying the claim and also stating the patient has no responsibility, then the patient truly has no responsibility until and unless the provider gets the claim processed differently.  The provider agreed to be bound by insurance processing when he agreed to accept this provider and its terms and benefits.  Insurance companies routinely adjust the submitted fee downward to the accepted/contractual fee and providers routinely accept those adjustments (and that is one of the reasons we have this complex insurance system: to adjust charges to reasonable levels and protect patients.  We pay tons of premiums for this benefit).  It makes no sense to then claim the patient owes other amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe.

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

How much does high risk auto insurance cost?

Would a Honda Rebel 250 be a good starting motorcycle?

I still do not have my license. I intend on getting it soon. I've waited too long to get it. But I would like to own a motorcycle instead of a car. I don't live anywhere near the cold so, icy roads aren't a problem. And I am 5 foot 2, so I'm guessing this would be a good choice of motorcycle. Oh, and if you own a motorcycle, could you answer a few questions for me? Do you need a special license for it? And is the insurance a killer? Thanks for all of your help.""

CAR INSURANCE for a17 year old??

i just passed my test and have the old ford fiesta waiting for me to drive but atm the quotes i'm getting for insurance is around 2000 What are the cheapest sites for car insurance? Should i do Pass Plus?

Cheap car insurance?

any one know where the best place to cheap car insurance, my dad is going to insure a car for me to teach me to drive, it needs to be in his name but i ned to be a driver on the policy.""

Does your car insurance premium change?

Hi, Im 16 turning 17 and im getting my license in 9 days. Someone told my family that if we take a crap car like my 2002 honda accord to my test and use that to get our insurance, then the price of insurance on that car will be what we will pay for any other car for the rest of my teenage life. If i were to take the honda to the test, get the insurance, and say lease a newer car, will my insuracne cost stay the same as what we were charged for the honda? Sorry its long and confusing""

How to get Health Insurance when you are 17?

My parents are divorced and my sister and I have been living with our mom. However, we received health insurance through our father's place of work. Now he is applying for disability and has quit his job, so currently my sister and I have no health insurance. Because of this, my mom forbids me to take my car or motorcycle out because if my sister or I get hurt, there is no way for us to pay for it (we are suffering financially because my mom's hours at work got cut, and she is still recovering from breast cancer). Anyway, is there any way for me to obtain health insurance (or at least help my mom to) that would be affordable? We live in New York State""

How much does car insurance cost for a new teenage driver being added to a parent's policy?

Right now I am in the process of getting a new car. I'm 18 years old. My mom wanted to add me to her policy, but she wants to get an idea of how much it would cost first. We live in Arizona. Her car insurance now through 21st century is only $60 per month. The car I would be getting is a 2010 ford fusion sport. And, I have an average gpa at school of over 3.0. Can anyone help me?""

I need some help with car insurance please.?

About a year ago my husband and I sold a car. We went through the usual channels with dealing with the plates, calling the insurance company and so on. Well today we got our yearly insurance cards in the mail and didn't recognize one of the cars they had given us a card for so I went over the statement. It turns out they have been billing us for insurance on a car we sold over a year ago. We never really noticed how much we should be paying in insurance for our cars and only get our statement once a year with these cars. We only pay $1504 a year for what we thought was two cars and I had assumed that was pretty good. In fact we were paying for three cars and an extra $663 a year on the car we sold. I haven't contacted the insurance company yet but my question is what are my options here? Will they give us the money back for the year we payed on a car we legally sold and what do they need, if any, proof of that? We have paperwork of the sale but no real proof we called them to inform them to take the car off the insurance. Will that we enough?""

Volkswagen beetle (2004) insurance?

I'm 17, starting to drive... All the quotes I have been getting for small cars like yaris's, cluo's, ka's etc, have ranged from 5 to 9 grand. I checked Tue insurance for a 2004 vw beetle, that ranged from 2 to 4 grand. Why are they cheaper than smaller cars?""

CAR insurance...i dont have a 3.0?

on estimate how much wil the cost of insurance be more? i will have a 90' 4runner if that helps

Car Insurance question about someone hitting my parked car?

Hi guys, well let me start with what happened first. I am a college student and so I live in an apartment and park my car next to a whole bunch of other cars. I parked my car in a completely empty spot with no cars at all, and I saw that it was completely fine. I didn't go out on Sunday, but the next day on Monday when I was about to leave for school I saw a big scratch/gash on the left side of my bumper about 25 inches x 20 inches. I do not know who and when it happened, so I called the police and tried to claim a police report but the police said he couldn't do anything because if I knew who hit it, he would be able to do something. But since I don't know who hit my car, he couldn't give me one. I also called my insurance company (State Farm) and told her what happened and the size and she told me that my deductable is $500 and they'll send out a representative to check out the damage. I didn't give her the green light yet but what should I do? The scratch is bad because I have a black car and you could see white scratches from far away. I mean, if my damage is less than $500, I'm going to have to pay my insurance too right? Will this also increase my insurance too? I'm already broke as is because of school and I don't want to have to pay more for something I didn't do.""

How much will my car insurance be?

I'm 17, female, in Nova Scotia. I've taken a drivers ed course. Me and my dad are on the prowl for a used Toyota Corolla, maybe an '08 or something, but if we can't find one for cheap then I'm probably going to end up with his '97 Lexus ES300. My road test is next week, so it won't be a little while yet, but I'm just curious, because I'm going to university next year and I'm going to need my own car, so I might as well budget now. Ballpark, can anyone figure how much my insurance will end up costing me? Or is there some kind of online calculator I can use to figure it out? Thank you! :)""

My license suspended cause of insurance payment were can i get a very cheap car insurance?

please help

What's the best place to get cheap insurance on an imported Mitsubishi L300 Campervan?

What's the best place to get cheap insurance on an imported Mitsubishi L300 Campervan?

What is the cheapest/reliable car insurance company in Miami Florida ?

I have clean record, 34 years old.""

""Car Insurance: I currently have a 2001 Red Mustang V6, but will be purchasing a 2003 Blue Jeep Liberty V6..?""

.. should I expect a major increase/decrease in my car insurance payment? I'm 18, but under my parents plan. I'm selling the Mustang if anyone is interested and lives in middle Tennessee.""

""I am staying in Italy,but i want to know much a car insurance will cost me for a year?""

I am staying in Italy,but i want to know much a car insurance will cost me for a year?""

How much would you expect motorcycle insurance to cost me?

i live in san diego county, i'm 19, i've had my license for about a year (i have one crash on my record from when i was in a car on my permit, with no injuries), and i want to get a honda rebel 250 cruiser.""

How to estimate landlord insurance?

Landlord insurance Flood Insurance Are there any sites that give an estimate based on the location of the house? I'm looking for something that doesn't ask for all of my info before giving out an answer (because that's their outdated marketing tactic).

What is better and cheaper for Auto Insurance in BC vs. Alberta?

I'm purchasing a new car, and i'm currently in British Columbia, i have two residences, one in BC and one in Alberta as i go to school in Alberta. I'm wondering what should i do with insurance would it be better to insure it under BC or Alberta?""

Health Insurance for 18 going to 19 year old?

My boyfriend is currently 18 years old. In January he will turn 19. He has no health insurance.We live in Texas. He's currently working/has his own income but still lives in his grandma's home. He started working making roughly about 250-300 every week, this has however only been for half the year before he was only making minimum wage. Should he get insurance from where he works? Or can he qualify for Medicaid or something of that sort? How does insurance work when you move out also?? Who qualifies for Medicaid? How? We're honestly clueless about all this, and no one has given us information. I've tried doing online research but it's all confusing.. I was hoping someone would help me out. Anything will help. Thank you.""

How to estimate landlord insurance?

Landlord insurance Flood Insurance Are there any sites that give an estimate based on the location of the house? I'm looking for something that doesn't ask for all of my info before giving out an answer (because that's their outdated marketing tactic).

Help Buy Auto Insurance!?

Hi, Just bought a care and now as a second step looking for a auto insurance, must be cheap, reliable and have a good history of dealing with auto insurance. Regards!""

Will my gf's car be taken away if I don't have any car insurance but I have my driver's lisence?

I am a young adult and I recently obtained my Driver's License last year on the day before Thanksgiving. After that, I have been driving my gf's car and was wondering what ...show more""

Why is insurance coverage for a 2011 Mazda 2 cheaper than a 2007 Ford Focus or Hyundai Elantra?

I just got quotes for a new Mazda 2. Full coverage on the Mazda 2 will increase my total premium by $163. Full coverage quote for a 2007 Focus would be $187 increase. Full coverage quote for a Hyundai Elantra would result in a $176 increase. I find this very surprising. I thought used cars were supposed to result in cheaper insurance coverage.

What is Patient's Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

My dental insurance company processed a claim by my dentist and denied it because of their contractual agreement with the provider that any fillings re-worked within 2 years are not the patients responsibility.  The providers benefit statement regarding this service states, The amounts shown as payable by you and by Delta Dental are in accordance with the terms of your dental plan and the terms of our agreement with your dental provider.    The benefits statement shows my 80% benefit level for this service.  The insurance company is not saying that I am ineligible for the benefit.  Rather, they are saying that the dentist is not eligible to be paid for this service (by either the insurance company or me) based on his contract with Delta Dental and the benefits to be provided by Delta Dental and paid by the customer.  The benefits statements includes notes explaining why the claim was denied.    The underlying question is: What is the patients responsibility when the insurance provider says it is zero in accordance with the insurance agreements that all parties are abiding by?  Said differently, Is the insurance company the final arbiter of amounts owed by the patient?    Does the insurance agreement prevail?  Or does the doctor truly have the right to demand payment for amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe?  I realize the patient is responsible for co-pays and deductibles.  But I am pretty convinced that if the insurance company is denying the claim and also stating the patient has no responsibility, then the patient truly has no responsibility until and unless the provider gets the claim processed differently.  The provider agreed to be bound by insurance processing when he agreed to accept this provider and its terms and benefits.  Insurance companies routinely adjust the submitted fee downward to the accepted/contractual fee and providers routinely accept those adjustments (and that is one of the reasons we have this complex insurance system: to adjust charges to reasonable levels and protect patients.  We pay tons of premiums for this benefit).  It makes no sense to then claim the patient owes other amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe.

Health Insurance Question?

I am 19, and I am Diabetic. I would like to move out of my parents house, and start living independently. Is there any Health Insurances out there that are government run that could help me get a cheap Insurance rate? Oh, and I live in Ohio if that makes any difference.""

""How much do you pay for these items,Gas,Food etc Monthly?""

rent, water, electric, gas, car insurance , gas, food, internet service, phone bill, medication""

I live in california and need health insurance. What should I get?

I live in california and need health insurance. What should I get?

""How much will it cost for liability insurance for property maintenance, residential construction and masonry?""

I have just registered my business. This business specializes in residential property maintenance, residential construction and residential masonry. I would like to know approximately how much I will need to put down for liability insurance that would cover me if anything was to go wrong. I have no employee's and no vehicles to add on. I want to only be covered for liability. Thank you very much and I hope to have a better understanding on this matter soon thanks to you!""

Can car insurance companies commit a driving offence? (IN10)?

My car insurance company (One Call) recently cancelled my policy due to them not receiving my proof of no claims in time (that's another issue). However, they failed to notify me in time and I carried on driving my car for 5 days un insured, until the letter arrived (policy cancelled on 10/9/12 and letter sent 14/9/12). Does anyone know if they have committed an offence, IN10 or other? They also charged me 205 cancellation (even though an extension on the proof of no claims was agreed and then later denied when I questioned them) Any advice is very welcome. Thanks.""

Insurance cost?

I have 2 cars, a 2002 honda civic & a 2007 camry. How much should i be paying as insurance cost for both cars every 6 months ? I'm 30 yrs & have been a responsible driver so far.""

What is a good first car that would have low insurance rates?

What is a good first car that would have low insurance rates?

What is the cheapest ADD/ADHD medication for the uninsured?

I take 20mg Vyvanse now, but they cost so much money (300 plus for 60 pills). I am working but wont get health insurance for another 2 months... Is there a substitute drug that is a bit cheaper? Ritalin? Aderol? Concerta? Does anyone know where I could see a pricing chart.""

""What company, in your opinion, is the cheapest for car insurance?""

I'm 29, good credit rating, have like 1 speeding ticket on my record (will be taken off with defensive driving)""

I need help with sending to cancelled auto insurance policies stating we have new companies and lower rates.?

Its an auto insurance company trying to win back cancelled policies.

Companies that provide cheap car insurance for a 17 year old male?

I have recently passed my driving test and whenever I get a quote from a car insurance company it it always over 3000. I have tried putting myself under my mother's name as an additional driver but I still get the same outcome. I know people who are the same age with same car and have been able to get their insurance for a little over 1000. Are there any companies that will help me to get a lower quote (don't suggest compare websites because they are more expensive). Any help would be appreciated. Thanks

Should an average person buy a life insurance?

Should an average person buy a life insurance?

Buying Car Insurance Help?

ive called a few companies... usual 300+ Down and 200+ Monthly... they keep asking me if i have car insurance Now.. should i lie and say yes i do..and give em my amazingly Low rates from my last insurance... which was 1/2 of the one they are trying to sell me..?

Why is the Affordable Care Act proving to be so Unaffordable ..........?

Why is the Affordable Care Act proving to be so Unaffordable for almost all concerned ? The Affordable Care Act has already caused over 4 Million People to lose their Health Insurance Plans because the Plan did not meet the mandates of the accepted Affordable care Act Insurance Plans The Affordable Care Act has already caused and is continuing to cause many thousands of employees to lose their Jobs through layoffs that Businesses/Companies are making in order to reduce the number of Business/Company Employees to below 50 in order that the Business/Company is exempted from having to purchase the More Expensive Insurance Plans that are mandated by Obamacare The Affordable Care Act has already mandated that everyone be enrolled in a Health Insurance Plan with medical benefits that many people don't want and/or don't need and these additional unwanted/unneeded medical benefits have caused many Insurance Plans to raise their Premiums for these additional benefits thereby raising the cost of premiums that Most Health Insurance that Most Subscribers will have to pay more for The Bottom Line is that thousands have lost their Jobs because of the Affordable Care Act + Millions have lost their Health Insurance Plans because of the Affordable Care Act + Millions More have had their Health Insurance Premiums raised in order to pay for the unwanted & unneeded medical benefits mandated because of the Affordable Care Act so.......................Why si the Affordable Care Act proving to be anything but Affordable ?

What supplemental insurance company is the best.?

Looking for supplemental insurance, but I want to go with a good one. I am a 27 year old female. No pre-existing conditions.... any suggestions?""

I'm a 17yr old male in the UK - how can i make my car insurance cheaper?

Confused.com is telling me it will be 1600+ per year with provisional and 2500+ per year when i pass my test. I'm hoping to pass in february and would rather like to be driving to college then :/ I'm 18 in november and would rather not wait till then. These prices are taken from quite a few different affordable cars i've found on autotrader. Any tips on lowering the price?

I just got my permit... do i need insurance?

I just got my learners permit and my dad thinks that he has to add me to the insurance (geico) but a lot of people say I don't need my own insurance.

Can I be reimbursed for birth control paid for after Affordable Care Act took effect?

After paying my co pay for birth control for about a year, I finally asked my pharmacist what he knew about the Affordable Care Act. He ran my insurance and found out that I was eligible for free birth control. Is there any way for me to be reimbursed for the birth control that I paid for after the Affordable Care Act became effective?""

""What is a sporty, efficient, nice looking, affordable small car?""

My fiance has been looking at cars to buy. We plan to buy used and pay cash with about a $7,000 price range. First she liked the Pontiac G6 but we read tons of terrible reviews and decided against it. Aswell as the G5. She says she wants a sporty yet classy car. She likes the Cobalt alot. I have read mixed reviews about it and also questioned fuel mileage and insurance costs. Please help! She is getting discouraged and I really want to make her happy in looking for another car. I know theres one out there somewhere...""

Which is the best Home Loan insurance?

Hi, i have taken Home loan of Rs. 10 Lac from HDFC. and want to protect my loan through insurance. can any body tell me that , which is the best home loan insurance plan or policy. HDFC recommend to me its own HDFC ERGO for home loan. is it best for me or any ohter option to chosse me. Please advice. LK Sharma""

Just a question about Geico's insurance rates versus their advertisements?

for as long as I can remember Geico has always used the advertisement pitch about how much money you can save with them. What I'd like to know is there some kind of communication breakdown between their marketing and pricing departments? I decided to get a Geico quote once, I was 27 years old at the time male unmarried and a spotless driving record. they quoted me like 800 dollars for 6 months!!! at the time I was using Nationwide where is was paying a hair under 500...a YEAR!!! yes this was the exact same amount of coverage/ deductible car everything. everyone else I know has had similar stories about Geico's rates. so tell me if anyone knows when the speak of 'all the money you can save' with them, just what the hell are they talking about? where do they get their facts at?""

What would the price of insurance be for a 16 year old male after going through drivers ed and taking the...?

behind the wheel license test through the school? I am getting my license in a couple of days and wondering how much it would cost just in case i have to pay for it. We have a 2004 trailblazer, a 1999 grand prix, and a 2000 ford ranger. I get good grades and im not sure what else you need to know. Im in az. Im wondering because i cant put my info on the internet for a quote so i just want a ballpark monthly price.""

I have auto insurance in SD but currenly in MN for college?

I'm currently in college and looking at switching my auto insurance. My permanent address is in South Dakota which is also where my car is insured and I'm going to college in Minnesota. I know I need to have my policy in South Dakota but will using my college address require I have minnesota insurance and register my car in minnesota?

""Is a classic muscle car a good choice for daily driver, such as a chevelle?

I love old muscle cars i have always wanted one forever. I would like a 68-72 chevelle. is the a reachable goal? I have 12-16 thousand dollars to spend. I would like a chevelle. If you own one could you plaese tell me how great they are or how often they break down and how much is needed to keep them a daily driver? if this idea of driving a classic muscle car is not possible what type of car would satisfy my love for classic muscle? if i did get a chevelle is it worth buying a true ss or should i get a cloned ss because they are cheaper? 4 speed or automatic? and how high would the insurance be for an 18 year old in new jersey driving a chevelle. please put in your comment if you have or had a chevelle so i can see who has had actual experince with one of these treasures. Thank You

Does anyone know of any good and affordable marriage counslers in york pa?

My husband and I desperately need marriage counseling before it is too late. We are very poor and can't afford much. Does anybody know of someone good and affordable? My health ...show more

What is Patient's Financial Responsibility When Insurance Company Adjusts Claims?

My dental insurance company processed a claim by my dentist and denied it because of their contractual agreement with the provider that any fillings re-worked within 2 years are not the patients responsibility.  The providers benefit statement regarding this service states, The amounts shown as payable by you and by Delta Dental are in accordance with the terms of your dental plan and the terms of our agreement with your dental provider.    The benefits statement shows my 80% benefit level for this service.  The insurance company is not saying that I am ineligible for the benefit.  Rather, they are saying that the dentist is not eligible to be paid for this service (by either the insurance company or me) based on his contract with Delta Dental and the benefits to be provided by Delta Dental and paid by the customer.  The benefits statements includes notes explaining why the claim was denied.    The underlying question is: What is the patients responsibility when the insurance provider says it is zero in accordance with the insurance agreements that all parties are abiding by?  Said differently, Is the insurance company the final arbiter of amounts owed by the patient?    Does the insurance agreement prevail?  Or does the doctor truly have the right to demand payment for amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe?  I realize the patient is responsible for co-pays and deductibles.  But I am pretty convinced that if the insurance company is denying the claim and also stating the patient has no responsibility, then the patient truly has no responsibility until and unless the provider gets the claim processed differently.  The provider agreed to be bound by insurance processing when he agreed to accept this provider and its terms and benefits.  Insurance companies routinely adjust the submitted fee downward to the accepted/contractual fee and providers routinely accept those adjustments (and that is one of the reasons we have this complex insurance system: to adjust charges to reasonable levels and protect patients.  We pay tons of premiums for this benefit).  It makes no sense to then claim the patient owes other amounts that the insurance company says the patient does not owe.

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