#a conversation I had with myself earlier
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More experienced fic writer: “Awww did someone get too angsty in their last chapter, depress themselves, and are now struggling to write?”
Me, (lying) through gritted teeth, wiping away tears: Nooooo
#a conversation I had with myself earlier#fan fic author#fan fic writing#fan fic related#I’m going to make it thru this#probably
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today feels like its been such a long day wtf
#like. i was woken up an hour earlier than i thought i would#and had to go to orthodontist#then had school and triggered myself during my last lesson#and had a conversation with my youth worker about my gender and stuff and coming out#and then had a careers pathway expo at school#and now i have karate 8-9#im gonna crash so bad tn#gonna blast my twenty one pilots#and fall asleep by 10#me :)
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Congratulations on figuring out there are multiple people in your brain btw. I saw a while ago you posting about it being unsure so, YAY YOU FIGURED IT OUT!! LETSGOOOO!!! HELLO CHARLIE AND OTHER CODECICLE ALTERS!!!! YAAAYYYY!!!!!
FIGURED IT OUT!!! It really is crazy I didn't figure it out sooner, but I just assumed I was weird and didn't talk to anybody about it. Made a joke about it after multiple years of hiding it from everyone (and myself) and got told by multiple people "Hey yeah you're not normal go research stop feeling scared" and I did and now I'm friends with the people in my brain 🔥🔥 huge wins all around! LETSGOOO WOOOOOOOO CHEERING YAAAY!! Everyone rattling around up here says hi back!!!
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#actually insane i didnt figure it out earlier.#[guy with a disorder he doesnt know about voice] yeah man idk i feel like my body is being controlled by other people a lot of the time#and i talk to completely real people in my head everyday and others think im entirely insane because of it so i have to hide it#and i have memory issues and feel like going by multiple names#and my personality keeps changing and my likes and wants flip flop around#and im ALWAYS dissociated. wonder what all thats about !#surely not something ive been well aware of for years . SURELY not#IT COULDNT BE!#<- i may be stupid#it didnt help that they could subconsciously mess with me too. i didnt know why i felt scared of people finding out i was multiple#BEFORE i figured it out myself#then i sat down with charlie and had a conversation and quickly figured out ah. its your fault#motherfucker#anyway rambling over#its just really funny to me just how long i lived like this without thinking twice about it#and im really happy to slowly accept it and learn to live in harmony now ^_^
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My birthday was full of unexpected interactions
#i had a lot of weird but heartfelt conversations with strangers#shared my vape with 2 different people#bought weed from a guy who had such a fun vibe#and older man told me to live my life#another remembered seeing me earlier in the day and asked how i was and if i was happy and to do what makes me happy#a girl i shared my vape with was trying to flirt with me but was also drunk and asked me to dance just before her uber arrived#i shared my vape with the older man too#multiple people chatted with me in the smoking area at the casino#people also said some really insightful and thought provoking things to me#as much as today was all over the place...#i has been a good birthday overall and i have enjoyed the little things#i cherish all the meaningful interactions i had today and enjoyed the small things i did for myself#i can't believe i'm in my mid 30s now#which is old af to most of the people on tumblr lol#anyway i'm gonna miss new mexico for another year but i miss my new life now and you know what?#i am happy i am living my life i am blessed with enough#what more could i ask for really?#kfi txt
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Oh it's one year since Rileydogs passing. That explains a bit.
#😞#there are a few dogs whose existence still fills up corners and spaces and the gaps between words#their essence is present in the unsaid#i recognise them in empty spaces and something feels wrong#i guess i cant bring myself to talk about them in the past tense#because it feels wrong#youre still here. etc. i can still see you everywhere#i dont know. its a sort of complex grief#there is a dog i am so so so fortunate i got to meet#she passed earlier this year#i was one of the last people to see her and it is a weird privilege to have had in hindsight#i dont know why i was invited to the emergency vet or why i went#but i have so many photos of her because there is something about her#that is present in everything#she is implicit in every conversation#we dont have to say her name because we know#its weird. its weird to think shes gone and riley is gone when theyre still so. here.#anyway.
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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WHY?, “Sin Imperial" // Car Sear Headrest, “I Can Play the Piano”
#Whywithaquestionmark#Car Seat Headrest#trigger warning for eating disorders I'm sorry I don't know the best way to tag them I never had to before#I was having a conversation earlier about how I have a very specific relationship with fasting#in that for me specifically I feel like it’s just slow-burn starvation#because it gave me an eating disorder#this idea that if I just stop eating then I'll lose weight and if I lose weight I'll be better#that eating was a moral failure on my part because if I just held out a little longer then I'd be beautiful#so when I'd eventually break fast because it had been days and my vision was fading#I'd make myself throw up afterwards because I had failed#that morphed into all the different little toxic relationships I have with food#I still consider myself a monster for eating#I still lie about how much or how often I eat#and after I stopped forcing myself to throw up after every meal all the consequences hit#my hair started falling out my teeth started falling out all the weight I lost came back#and there was this voice in the back of my head that said that if I had kept going none of that would have happened#and that's kind of true because either those delayed consequences wouldn't have hit#Or I would have actually succeeded in starving myself to death#anyway I relapsed after dinner tonight and purged again and the why? song came on shuffle on the drive home#and I thought it was a little ironic haha#and I ate some more when I got home and I'm really struggling with this one right now haha#because I told myself I wouldn't have anything else to eat tonight but I did and now I feel like I have to pay for it#I think people forgot I was bulimic a few years ago or I just thought I told them and didn't#because it seemed like news at the dinner table lmao#I don't talk about it a lot because it's really upsetting to people I care about#But I haven't made myself throw up in a long time so this is kind of scary I think#Or maybe I shouldn't be scared and instead I should just force of will this#back myself into a lose-lose situation where I either hate myself for eating or hate myself for starving/purging#that's the only way my brain knows how to function I guess#whoever wins we lose haha whatever
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It frustrates me to no end that everyone I talk to someone new my brain catastrophises to the point where even though I know logically it’s fine, and normal, and fun, I end up making it a bigger deal in my head that I know it is…I think myself into spirals that the logical part of my brain knows are ridiculous and dramatic and improbable, which stress me out more than is entirely necessary…it’s so tiring to exist and participate in the social world sometimes
#personal#night time ramblings#the potentially autistic side of my brain really comes to party when I begin a new social relationship in any capacity#my analytical brain is not compatible with the lawless wasteland of socialising with someone new#gonna just ramble a bit about this situation here where I don’t have to make a lotta sense#I’ve been talking to a guy I’ve known for many year but never been properly friends with#we were in the same friendship circle when we were teenagers#but in different groups#we’ve literally been talking again for maybe 5 days#it’s taken me a few days to be more or less certain that our conversations are more than 2 sort of old friends catching up#like I think we’ve been flirting a little we’re going to go for a drink maybe he jokingly called me babygirl earlier#it’s been nice to be in that talking stage with a guy but without the awkward first few conversations where you’re getting to know the basic#I’ve always thought he was a nice guy our political and moral leaning have always been pretty similar he’s alright looking#that’s the extent of it#but of course my brains going haywire#scripting conversations I need to have if this become serious#wondering how hell react to less fun things about me physically or personality wise#wondering if and when we’ll ever have sex and if hell be any good 😂#trying to work out if hell get on with my family#like the whole 9 fucking yards#and it’s so fucking silly#like it isn’t that deep in the fucking slightest#it has the potential to be#and if it’s not it won’t be that upsetting to me#I’ll be a bit bummed out for a day or 2 and that’s it#I know myself well enough#but in the moment my brain always speed runs times everything could go wrong reasons it could fail reasons things will never succeed for me#and it doesn’t help that almost every romantic partner or potential I’ve ever had has proved this dumb shit right#but at what point does it become a self-fulfilling prophecy?#I sometimes think deep deep down I’m just a hopeless romantic hidden under layers of cynicism and emotional repression😂
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Usually I'm pretty okay with my dad, but. I'm pissed right now.
This guy, who yesterday said in the most serious tone with the most warning look, after implying so a few days back, just told me he was fucking joking about kicking me out if I didn't find a job soon.
I WAS IN UTTER DESPAIR FOR TWO DAYS OVER THIS.
This is not okay, what the fuck. 😭
#i was fucking tearing myself apart for no fucking reason because he made a fucking joke#on the bright side- at least the conversation i had with my friend earlier made progress#personal#rant
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no really, I love being a self-indulgent little freak. it’s actually really nice to live this way.
#(hi Kendall your post triggered this)#but also a BUNCH of other stuff happening in my state and conversations I’ve had lately#I’m empathetic to people that grew up in strict religious households and still have deeply rooted shame about their identities#cause like… that was me for a long time. it’s hard to shed it#but I look at myself now and I love being me. I wouldn’t change a thing about me#I just only wished I’d realized I could be and live and love and fuck how I wanted waaaay earlier#it would’ve saved a lot of grief and hurt and anxiety#but thats all the more reason to be enthusiastically myself now#wurm.txt
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wish my roommate would go in their fucking room i just want to make myself a drink
#and i DID earlier and i would like another. said to myself yeah you can have the night go nuts alone in your apt yk#we’re safe drinking. anyway. they’re so fucking judgy i don’t like eant to and they’re on zoom w their mom#😐🙄#their mom who saw me in my banger franknfurter costume and was also judgy. why were u here halloweekend of all weekends#sorry i actually don’t have a problem with their mom she was cool and did the dishes and stuff#abby talks#and we had a silly conversation abt emojis
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i need one last french class to finish my degree which is fine because there’s actually a french class i can take this semester. unfortunately it’s a subject that’s not particularly relevant to me and part of the homework includes video chatting with strangers in french and conducting mock job interviews in french, and then watching the videos back and commenting on my own performance. and it’s the only french class offered this semester that’s available to me since the only other ones i’ve already fucking taken
#sasha speaks#HELL ON EARTH.#my french comprehension is decent but it's way better in reading/writing than speaking/listening#yeah yeah actually talking to french speakers in french is the only way to get better at that i know but#i am so awful at making conversation with strangers in ENGLISH how am i supposed to do that with strangers in FRENCH#and i DETEST watching/listening to myself on recording i swear to gd i just can't fucking do it#this is why every video audition i've had to submit for anything has sucked hard#but i don't have any other options...it's The Only Class I Can Take to finish my degree#(not for lack of trying either!! i tried to get a different french class in earlier semesters but they Never fit around my music classes)#i wanna talk about me
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i Know that when someone reaches out to say you hurt them, its a Good Sign, because it means rather than stewing in resentment they want to maintain a relationship with you
but GOD it still makes me feel awful
#had a friend message me that they felt i had brushed them off in a conversation earlier today#and like! im glad they told me! it gave me the chance to apologize. explain myself. and now try to do better.#but gosh do i feel like a piece of shit. just absolute scum. and now i assume everyone hates me behind my back.#(for legal reasons i am in therapy)#personal
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do NOT ask me a question and then let me go on wikipedia to check something you WILL receive really bizarre useless information
#case in point: just reblogged a post asking if i had seen a particular movie#i just wanted to put in the tags that i knew the movie but hadnt seen it. but naturally of course i had to be like hmmm#why DO i know this movie?#and this ended with me talking about the colonel's dialogue in metal gear solid 2 sons of liberty. so like. 👍#I ALWAYS FEEL SO BAD FOR THE OPS OF THESE POSTS LIKE IM SORRY!!! I HAVE ADHD!!!!#u are all luckier than my poor mother though she hears so much random fucking bullshit#fortunately we are both big fans of absolutely useless trivia and shit. thats how i ended up telling her about how the ant bully was#the jimmy neutron studio's last project before they shut down#they went bankrupt i think#idk how we got there though because like twenty minutes earlier in the same conversation i was looking at the fbi's most wanted list#in my defense. i wanted to see if i knew the names of any other fbi most wanted members other than like. bin laden. (i did not)#you know how ponies in mlp have cutie marks and thats their special talent? i think mine would be like the ability to just#go down really stupid rabbit holes and retain absolutely useless trivia. but oh im having a grand old time#shit i just realized im rambling in the tags. AGAIN. at least its my own post this time#this is my own post right. hold on#okay yes it is phew.#ENOUGH RAMBLING THOUGH IM STOPPING MYSELF!!!#PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH. MIAMI MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE#muffin mumbles
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i really only have 2 modes: longing for a man and buying stuff online and i am about to order some things so that i don't text this man who is clearly not interested in me in the same way i'm interested in him
#THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS#WHEN GUYS YOUR AGE DON'T SHOW ANY INTEREST IN YOU#YOU START FALLING FOR A GUY 17 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU#BECAUSE YOU GAVE UP ON EVERYONE ELSE#AND HE'S A GOOD PERSON YOU ARE ACTUALLY ABLE TO MAKE CONVERSATION WITH AND WHO LIKES BEING AROUND YOU#i'm also and adult and he'd not grooming me if anyone is concerned#i have BEEN groomed so i know what it looks like#i'm actually pursuing him#but yeah i just feel like myself around him so much#and we're like always on the same wavelength#and we're both hugg-y folx i don't feel like a creep if i want to hug him#and we like a lot of the same music#and then he brings up his kids and i'm like fuck why was i not born 10 years earlier so i could be in a relationship with this man#and be a step mom to his children they're so freaking adorable and sweet#i don't really want the dudes my age anymore i want him#we just work so well#i've never had that with any of the guys i've been interested in#they just make me feel really scared and i forget how to act#or is this what having a friend who is a male is like#when i started at the store people were like 'you're baby'#and i've learned to really lean into it i'm tryna be sexy and desirable here idk if it's working#brett
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friend earlier was like come to library game night with us and i was like i might but i am dreading the thought of socializing so much. i think i will just shower (also dreading) and read book for my final project. maybe drink a bit too. who knows where this beautiful night will take me
#i had meeting w advisor earlier and i think that is what drained me so fucking bad even tho it was like 7 hours ago#long conversations are so hard even just eye contact and nodding and stuff#also 20 mins ago the guy who i'm sure has crush on me after we hung out once asked if i'm going and i said no i think i'm staying in for#tonight and he said Okay Then. but he always uses periods at end of sentence like that so i don't think it's passive aggressive#time 2 brush teeth and shower while listening to music anddd ooooh maybe do face mask after#man i struggle w balancing social interactions like when should i force myself to be social but like#the past like few months especially i've been caring less and less about making new friends#i guess cuz i have made new friends over past few years and it didn't make me feel much if any less insecure n stuff#sigh. complicated. ill write in journal about this#i think i might've already but ill do it again#ok shower time#self
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