#a baby in one arm and greeting a clearly-not-pregnant queen with the other?

[nostalgia-tblr]

I took the day off from adding words to half-written fics but now I am wondering whether the "controversial" thing in Frigga Mindwipes Everyone would be the multiple non-consensual mindwipes or that one scene where Odin is slightly better at parenting than she is?

[l-r-christian]

Title: 'A true Queen'

Pairing: Mikaelson men x Demon!Reader

Warnings: Fluff, Angst, Protective!Mikaelsons, Violence, Soft!Mikaelsons, a bit spicy

A/N: I am still on my soft Mikaelsons idea but now with a little twist I had an idea and need to share it also let me know if I should do a part two.

Translation of Icelandic:

Litla kanína - little bunny

Mystic Falls, 977-Late 990's

Esther frowned picking up a crying baby with both Finn and Elijah by her side seeing the baby. It was late winter and Esther was trying to find some berries but she was heavily pregnant so her younger sons wanted to help as it was better than going hunting with their father. Esther looked around trying to find any signs of the baby's mother or father but saw nothing.

"Mama the baby is cold." Elijah says as Finn got out an blanket he brought for resting and used it to wrap the baby in as Esther was taken back how her sons were so focused on the baby that it had stopped crying looking at the boys. Esther looked over the baby seeing it was a girl and was quite small for her age having soft caramel skin and curly dark hair with unnaturally blue eyes that would flicker red at times but the witch was pulled from her thoughts when Finn took the baby girl.

"We can't leave her mama." Finn says when he noticed his mother was placing the baby girl down as something told Esther to not trust the baby girl and Elijah was warming the girl's small hands.

"I am sure her parents are looking for her."

"But mama it is nearly night fall. She'll freeze to death." Elijah said frowning along with Finn at the idea of leaving the girl.

"Alright but don't be upset if your father tells us to give her away."

"We shall keep her." Mikael says surprising Esther as they got back Finn gave the girl to his father as Elijah explain when Esther saw that red flicker in the girl's eyes and Mikael agreeing with his sons to keep the girl. That night while her husband slept and her sons having the newest member of the family sandwich between them, Y/N was the name Mikael gave the girl and Esther couldn't help but feel something was wrong with the girl. Esther pricked the girl's finger to get her blood then went to her friend for help.

A four year old Y/N squealed as she and Niklaus wobble to the older Mikaelson boys when Elijah and Finn had returned with Mikael and a few men from a hunt. Elijah smiled kneeled down as the tots cling to him as Finn chuckled getting down to their eye level also smiling when Y/N kissed his cheek. Esther watched as her sons greeted their sister as while they were gone she watched her dear Niklaus cling to the girl as all he wanted was to be with Y/N instead of his mother.

"Dada! Dada!" Y/N squealed making her way to Mikael who brighten seeing the toddler lifting her up with the other men smiling heading to their own children. Esther hated watching Mikael turned from a brute to a doting father as he adored his children and Esther couldn't believe that she was allowing this demon around her family.

"Hello my little Princess. And hello my little wolf." Mikael says lifting Niklaus up with his other arm making the boy laugh clinging to his father as he walked over to the hut while Finn and Elijah brought the meat. Esther forced a smile feeling Mikael press a kiss on her temple as he passed her carrying the giggling tots as her oldest set up the meat. Esther hated it knowing that the little girl had her family wrapped around her little finger.

Y/N grew into a beautiful young woman as many other mothers told Esther that Y/N was clearly blessed by the Gods and of course the men of the family had grown protective of the young woman and Esther thought once Rebekah was born that one more person wouldn't be bewitched by the woman. But Esther was wrong as Rebekah clinged to her older 'sister' much like Kol had and unlike Mikael, Esther did not see the young woman as her daughter.

"Mother, me, Y/N and Tatia are going to go bathe." Rebekah says as Esther nodded looking at Y/N see her talking to Tatia who agree with Esther that there was something unnatural about Y/N. As the young woman had grown lovely curves long curly dark hair that Rebekah loved to play with, her caramel skin was darker and her eyes still that unnatural blue. The young woman had many suitors come to Mikael for her hand and the man turned them down.

"Return before sundown."

"We will mother." Rebekah says before leaving with the older women heading down to the river where most of the village women bathed. Tatia watched Y/N softly and gently wash Rebekah almost sensually hearing the blonde's soft gasps as Y/N washed her back massaging the girl's sore back.

"So Y/N thought of marriage?"

"No Tatia, no boy has caught my eye." Y/N says her voice soft and angelic as Rebekah helped wash her hair when unknown men walking out of the treeline smirking looking over the three bare women.

"Look at this boys, it seems the Gods had blessed with some young maidens." The leader says as Y/N glared hiding a nearly 17 year old Rebekah behind her as Tatia quickly covered herself noticing that Y/N wasn't moving to cover herself more worried about Rebekah. It happened in a blur as a scream tore from Rebekah when Tatia was grabbed and Y/N pushed Rebekah out of the water.

"Rebekah! Run! Go get help!" Y/N yelled tripping a man that was going to chase after Rebekah as the blonde got dress messy and began running looking back seeing a man pulling Y/N under him asshe fought back.

"Father! Elijah! Finn!" Rebekah screamed sore from running getting Kol's attention catching his sister as the others came running over. Mikael looked worried cupping his daughter's cheek, Rebekah was sobbing as she was telling them what happen. Mikael stood telling Elijah, Finn and Niklaus to come with him as Kol and Henrik was comforting Rebekah while Esther watched over them hoping that it would only be Tatia would be returning.

"Elijah!" Tatia shouted running out of the bushes into her lover's arms as he cupped her face looking her over seeing that her dress was soaked, a few cuts as Mikael stepped over.

"Where is Y/N?"

"The river...Elijah there...." Tatia was cut of when the men ran to the river as Tatia frowned wanting to tell Elijah what she saw but they were already gone. Y/N was covered in blood eyes glowing a dark red as the men layed terrified as one was dead in the water when she heard the Mikaelson men running. Y/N dropped the sword as the men was confused watching her lay on her side curling into herself suddenly sobbing as her family came running out of the treeline.

"Y/N!" Niklaus said rushing to her as Mikael's eyes darken at the men that was still breathing along with Finn and Elijah believing shehad been violated after killing one man.

"How dare you. You come and violated my daughter, for that you will pay." Mikael said as the men were begging for their lives saying they hadn't while Y/N watched with glowing red eyes as the men were killed then slipped on a mask of innocents. Mikael grabbed a cloak wrapping Y/N up in it after Niklaus cleaned off the blood, the brothers watched their father lift Y/N up into his arms bridal style.

"Finn grab their clothes, Elijah go get Tatia and Niklaus please tell your mother to ready things at home."

"I....am sorry father....I dishonored you....allowing for this to happen."

"No need litla kanína. You could never dishonor me." Mikael says softly kissing her head as they head back to the village and Esther sucked in breath seeing Y/N in Mikael's arms. That night after dinner Kol, Rebekah and Niklaus stayed in Y/N's bed much to Esther's surprise Mikael allowed it while Elijah kissed her forehead before heading to his hut next door he shared with Tatia.

"Elijah....there is something I need to tell you." Tatia whispered laying her head on Elijah's bare chest as he rubbed her back looking at her with a raised eyebrow. Tatia took a breath remembering what happen.

"Y/N is something that is not human."

Elijah did not believe Tatia and had told his siblings what she told him which Esther over heard the siblings talking and went to Tatia to tell her that the witch believed her. When Henrik died, the family became vampires and Y/N stayed even though Esther had been trying to marry her off but Mikael, Elijah and Finn kept scaring off suitors. It was a cold rainy night as Y/N ran she heard from Rebekah that Mikael was furious learning Niklaus was not his as Esther had slept with another.

"Father! Don't!" Y/N shouted standing in his way Elijah stood by worried as Mikael glared as Esther saw it was her husband before Y/N was found.

"Move Y/N."

"Father listen to me. Niklaus is not to blame, mother is the one who has done wrong. Ansel is not his father buy you, like me, you had raised and adored him not Ansel." Y/N said as Esther watched surprised when Mikael lowered his whip walking past Y/N to Niklaus.

"I am sorry my son. Come let's get you warm." Mikael says as Niklaus nodded hugging Mikael as Esther looked to Y/N seeing her eyes flickering red before Elijah gently ushered her back to the hut and out of the rain.

Esther hated Y/N as to the witch the demon was pulling her family from her as now Mikael was angry with her while making it up Klaus from the night before. Esther was going to go speak to Tatia when spotted them, the witch saw Finn holding Y/N up against a tree feeding from her as he took her.

"Finn...please." Y/N breathed tugging on Finn's hair as he pulled away from her bleeding neck kissing her roughly as his hips snapped up into her. Esther quickly rushing off and kept eye out seeing that both Niklaus and Kol was also getting close to Y/N too.

"Esther." Tatia said tears running down her face as she rushed to Esther making the witch pause looking worry. Tatia sat down explaining to Esther what she saw.

Tatia had been upset that week as Elijah broke off their courting so she went to his hut to find out why. When she got there she heard breathy gasps and mewls, Tatia quietly creep in to Elijah's bed seeing Y/N under him on her hands and knees face buried in the furs as Elijah took her roughly.

"Don't worry Tatia, I'll take care of it." Esther said after Tatia explained as that night Esther made a dagger stabbing Mikael with unaware that Rebekah saw her.

"Mother killed father." Rebekah said when she ran to her brothers and Y/N see how worried they looked when Finn said they should run as Esther could be after them next.

"Always and Forever."

"Always and Forever." The siblings said back to Y/N as they Left in the middle of the night and Esther angry knowing she'll have to chase down her children while her husband layed daggered in a sealed coffin.

[shreddedparchment]

A Wife for Thor Pt.22

Obstacle

04/08/2021

Pairing: King!Thor x Reader          Word Count: 5,413

Warnings: angst, jealousy, marital problems, pregnancy, allusions to cheating (no actual infidelity), fluff, smug Loki

A/N: It took me SO long to get this chapter down. I wrote literally like a few sentence a day for a bit and then finally got some good chunks out. This has been a tough week but this chapter makes it all worth it! I hope y’all think so too. A lot of good stuff happens in this chapter, as in stuff that I really like. If you happen to reblog, thanks so much for helping me spread my work!

Please DO NOT repost my stories on any other sites or blogs.

REBLOGS are always welcome!

The shuffle around the palace as Loki escorts you through the front gate is overwhelming.

It’s safe to say that judging by your reception when you’d shown up in Heimdall’s tower located on the far side of the city, the Asgardians are happy to see you.

Armod is also happy to see you and you rush to get into your car before you can get swarmed by eager Asgardians.

Loki joins you in the back seat and lets Armod gush over his happiness at seeing you back home and healthy. And pregnant! More than anything, the people are happy to see the swell of your belly.

Many of the women are crying as you step out of the car at the palace gate, the men cheering enthusiastically.

Some of the children have found flower petals to throw into the air and it rains white, pink, and yellow blossoms.

It's the small waving hand of a little girl with ebony floor length braids that tugs too hard on your heartstrings and you give in to your impulse.

“Armod, stop the car, I’d like to greet the people,” you ask, swayed further by the eager faces of the young girl's siblings who flank her..

As much as being Queen had come unexpectedly and as much work as it's been, loving the Asgardians has never been a challenge and you've missed your people.

Their kindness has always been the best part of your day.

Armod gives Loki a quick look but stops the car just as the palace gates are opening.

He pulls over to the side, putting it in park before hurrying out to open the door for you.

“Are you sure?” Loki checks, reaching over to place his hand over yours on the seat.

“Of course. I owe them this. I’ve been gone for so long.”

“If you’d rather go in, we can find an excuse.”

“Loki,” you laugh once. “Is something wrong? Is there a reason I shouldn’t get out of the car?”

“Not at all,” he assures you. “I just don’t want you to force yourself. I know this pregnancy hasn’t exactly been easy on you.”

“I’m okay. And I’m sure they wanna see the proof that they have an heir coming. Really, Loki, I don't mind.”

Loki sighs, but gets out quickly to move around and take Armod’s place and offer you his arm.

Taking it, you pull yourself out, and after a long moment to steady yourself on your feet, you turn to face your people.

A large number of Valkyries suddenly pour from the open palace gateway and you wait as they line themselves in front of the gathering crowd. A simple border of control to keep you safe.

The people don’t seem threatened by the guard either and they continue to cheer until you raise your hand and call them to silence.

It only takes a few seconds for the noise to die, leaving only the ambient sounds of the city, wind, and the shuffling feet as more Asgardians and visiting humans gather.

“Hello,” you begin, voice a little shaky from nerves. “I’m...I-I’d like to start by first apologizing for disappearing. And then for being gone so long.”

The people watch and listen attentively, hanging on your every word. As your hands drop down to your belly to stroke it anxiously out of habit, their eyes are drawn to it and they seem to rattle with excitement again.

Looking down at your tummy, you contemplate the little one inside and the kicks he gave you earlier in the day.

He's really in there.

“It’s been a long journey to do what’s been expected of me. Difficult, actually. Giving you and Thor what we’ve all been hoping for is a privilege though. It's important that you all know that.

"However, I'm not as strong as all of you. I'm not as resilient. As soon as I knew that I was expecting the future prince or princess of New Asgard, I knew that I had to take precautions. I had to stop thinking like your Queen and just for a while, think like a mom. I told Thor that I wanted to take some time away from my duties as Queen if only to make sure that my pregnancy would take. In order to ensure the health of this baby.

“Im so very sorry if I caused any of you any worry or pain by disappearing. That was never my intention and it makes me...I can only say that I'm sorry. I hope that you all can understand why I left. The The thing is I’m happy to say that my efforts weren't wasted, clearly."

There's a rumble of gentle laughter that flows through the crowd and breaks the slightly somber mood your speech is causing. You give them a smile and they smile back.

"And while that does make me very happy, it has not been easy to carry this baby. I have been sick and weak but after some rest I'm now feeling stronger than ever. With the constant and careful care provided by Doctors Wilson and Alric, I’m finally able to resume my duties as Queen with the knowledge that this baby is strong and healthy and my body can take the strain of bringing him-or her into this world.

“I’m so happy to be back among my people, my home. You all are my family and it fills me with such joy to know that I have made you all proud.”

The people cheer, more and more gathering along the street so that it’s now clogged and impassable. Others have taken to peeking out of windows from the surrounding buildings or finding balconies and roofs to stand on to get a better look at you.

Their excitement changes to trepidation at the look on your face as you realize that now is the perfect time to address what happened yesterday.

They’re so attuned to your mood that they quiet down again and wait nervously for you to speak.

"On a more serious note, I know that many of you must have been shocked by the lies spewed onto the pages of the Watch. And I'd like to be as clear as I possibly can about my absence from the palace.

"I only left because of the concern I had for our future prince or princess. There was absolutely no other reason for my absence in our great city. While it is true that something did happen between Thor, Jane, and myself--well, I will only say that now I know that His Majesty the King of Asgard is wholly devoted to me and our family, just as he has been from the moment he accepted me as his wife.

"Not that I ever doubted it," you lie. No one needs to know how bad things are and it is true that now you know Thor is devoted to you.

So, it's not completely a lie.

"As a people," you continue. "We'll need to be vigilant about the people we choose to trust to come into our homes. We will be more cautious now, and as a woman…"

You swallow hard, thinking about the words itching on the tip of your tongue to tumble forward and make your heart clear. Maybe it's not right to say it? Maybe it isn't the queenly thing to do?

You don't care.

"As a wife and a soon-to-be mother, I will say that Doctor Jane Foster is not welcome in my home. She has proven to be unworthy of the trust we placed in her and while her expertise is an invaluable commodity that I am sad to lose, I would rather have the second best than risk the stability of my family."

To your surprise, there are a flutter of approving nods and smiles, wives and husband's looking scandalized by the confirmation that something went down but clearly it was Thor that had Jane kicked out. A few cheers come but they quiet down quickly.

"My love for His Majesty is unwavering. As is his for me. No marriage can be without it's struggles but Thor and I are as united as we have ever been. Both in love, devotion, to each other and you, our people. Together we will strive to protect this kingdom to the best of our abilities and with this child, I hope we can begin to lay down proper roots for us so that everyone on Earth will know that New Asgard is here to stay."

The crowd cheers. It's deafening and your hands are trembling so terribly even clenched into fists they shake.

"LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!" someone shouts and the others fall into the chant as it's picked up by what sounds like everyone in the crowd.

A cool hand presses against the center of your back and you lean towards him as he whispers in your ear.

"That was beautifully done, Y/N," Loki admires. "Now come along. You need your rest."

You cradle your bump and the crowd cheers louder as you wave while Loki leads you back into the car.

As it pulls away from the curb, the Valkyrie turn to follow behind you. Faces full of stern pride. Their gleaming armor shining bright in the late afternoon sun.

The large wooden and steel reinforced gates of the palace close with a thundering clatter and you lean back, heart suddenly clenching painfully. Your stomach turns and you feel like you might throw up.

You shut your eyes and open the window allowing the cooling air to help drive your nausea away.

"Y/N? You alright?" Loki checks, putting his hand on your arm.

"I'm fine," you assure him, unwilling to open your eyes.

"Are you sure? Only, you're looking a little green."

That doesn't actually happen does it? Do people look green when they're gonna throw up?

You assume he's exaggerating, but as the last bit of the swirl in your belly passes, you look at him with fearful eyes.

"I'm nervous," you admit.

"To see Thor?"

"Mm," you nod.

"He's missed you. He will probably try and hug you. Might even kiss you."

"I don't know if I can handle that, Loki."

"You'll have to. The guards around the palace are sworn to secrecy about anything that happens in here, but with the amount of information that magazine was able to get we're pretty sure there's a mole amongst our number."

You look away from him, frowning because the last thing you want is to hug and kiss Thor.

Well, that is, you really want to do those things. Which is why you shouldn't. Not until you can be around him with some kind of rational thought and control over your feelings.

You need to get a grip and come to terms with the reality of your situation before you can let yourself love hum.

You have to protect yourself.

It turns out that you have nothing to worry about.

Estrid who had come before you with your things is there to greet you. A few others of the palace staff come to see you and you're welcome back with fondness.

Because you know you have to play the part, you look for him.

"His Majesty had a sudden summons from the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, my Queen. He apologizes for missing your arrival but he's had the small dining room filled with all of your favorites.

"When you are finished with dinner, he has asked that you wait for him in his study."

Estrid's tone tells you she's wary for you. She wants to make sure you're okay.

The disappointment you feel gives you away not only to yourself, but everyone there to see your face fall as you caress your belly.

"A blessing in disguise?" Loki suggests in your ear for just you, but the smile on his lips says he knows better.

"He'll be back before it gets too late, Your Majesty," Estrid assures you, trying to soothe your sadness. "He promised. There’s nothing more he wants than to see you."

"I know," you smile at her, then the others before you head for the dining room, your stomach grumbling in anticipation of the foods you know are waiting.

~~~~~~~~~~

Waiting is torture. You keep trying to read your book but your attention is pulled back to the door of Thor’s study every few seconds.

You groan, dropping the book onto the desk before throwing your head back with scrunched up eyes.

How is it possible to be desperate to see someone while also dreading it?

It feels like you'll die if you don't lay eyes on Thor but also like it'll tear you to shreds if you do. There's no winning here.

You gasp as the door opens and get to your feet in the same breath.

Thor's body is rising and falling heavily with his own labored breathing. He'd been running.

To get to you? No. You can't be swayed.

"I'm here."

His declaration is soft but heavy with meaning. More than just him announcing his arrival.

"Oh, aren't you a vision," he gushes.

"Hi," you whisper, only because you can't catch your breath.

He's wearing jeans, a plain black t-shirt stretched across his bulging chest. He's even more massive than you remember. Three months away has deprived you so fully that suddenly being in his presence leaves you hungry for him.

You want him so much.

"I've missed you, desperately," he confesses. "May I greet you properly?"

You frown, so undecided.

"Or not," Thor relents. "Forgive me, I just got caught up in the moment."

Why is this so hard?

You want to feel him.

"You can greet our baby properly," you give in.

A big part of you needs to feel him and this is the only way you can give in and feel like you're still doing your best to hold strong in your resolve to get some distance.

Thor’s eye lights up and quickly finds the swell of your tummy with recognition.

"Really?"

"I will never keep you from our baby, Thor. Even if I'm not ready for things to go back to normal between us just yet."

Thor takes a half step towards you and watches you carefully for any indication that you're not comfortable with his proximity.

You sigh, head tilted to the left slightly before you hold out your hand to him, beckoning him closer.

In three long strides Thor takes your hand and stops when he's only a foot away.

"Here," you gasp.

Your heart is in overdrive. Thor’s touch is doing things to your body. There's an initial rush of butterflies in your stomach and quickly you pull Thor’s hands to the spots where your baby is kicking in response.

Thor’s body freezes. He goes rigid. He even stops breathing.

For a moment you begin to worry that maybe you've broken him, until he suddenly drops to his knees.

He swallows hard, eyes pooling as he stares at the swell of your stomach as the baby continues to kick.

“They’re really in there,” he’s so choked up about it that his voice cracks around the words.

As he speaks, the baby kicks more.

Thor laughs but then leans in to kiss your stomach over the fabric of your dress.

“We really made her,” Thor gushes.

“Her?”

He looks up at you, confused for a second before he smiles wide, “Or him. It doesn’t matter. What matters is our baby is coming.”

Your heart swells, and you’re so happy that you could float away like a hot air balloon with the warmth flooding your limbs.

This is the moment you’d dreamt of. This is the moment that had been stolen from you by Jane and her lies. This is the moment that you and Thor had both been yearning for.

He’s so caught up in it, floating through the glow of this perfect moment that he presses his lips to your tummy again two more times before he’s rising, his hand hooked behind your neck as he meets your lips as he gets to his feet.

You’re so unprepared for it, so utterly lost in this sweet exchange between him and your baby that your lips pucker on their own.

He opens his eye and yours, already open, stare into his. He looks slightly shocked to find himself kissing you but he doesn’t stop.

Instead, his expression shifts into a pained look of desire. He pulls back, his hand dropping to grip your bicep.

“I would say that I’m sorry but I have been wanting to kiss you since the moment I left you three months ago.”

You say nothing, watching him, listening. You’re searching your soul to see if this is okay with you because it feels okay. Despite the sirens blaring in your mind about the restrictions you’d set for yourself when you’d decided to come back home, your body is telling you it needs this. Your heart is painfully aching at Thor’s touch.

You’ve missed it. You’ve missed him. 

“Is this alright? I can go.”

The idea of him going now feels like the end of the world. Rationally, you know that isn’t an appropriate response to his offering to leave you be, especially when you know you asked him for space for specific reasons.

“No,” your hands grip the sides of his t-shirt tightly, holding him in place without any actual strength since compared to him, you’re as mighty as a little mouse.

You refuse to look up at him, despite the crumbling of your resolve.

“No, don’t go.”

It’s an almost involuntary shy response to your diminishing shame at losing all control after his touch. After one kiss. You should be disappointed in yourself. And part of you is. However, that part of you grows increasingly small as Thor gently takes hold of your chin and guides your gaze up until you can meet his.

“I’m sorry, cherub. I will try and be worthy of you again.”

“I know,” you admit, knowing how sorry he’s been from the moment he realized that he’d done something that hurt you badly. “I know you are.”

“Can I kiss you, cherub?”

His voice is so deep, so alluring and coaxing that you drop your gaze again, fixing it on his collarbone before slowly you nod.

His arm winds its way around your waist and he pulls you to him before dipping down and catching your lips with his again.

He pulls away after a second because the swell of your belly gets in the way, but he laughs and looks down at it.

The pleasant sound of his happiness gives you too much joy.

As you begin to smile, Thor reaches down to press one hand to the side of your stomach while he pulls you against him again and kisses you this time with more fervor.

The longer he has his lips pressed to yours, the more enthusiastic he gets until finally you’re breathless and you pull back but instead of pulling away, you wrap your arms around him and fist the back of his t-shirt,

You bury your face against his wide chest and Thor brings his hands back up to caress the sides of your face, his lips kissing the top of your head.

“I know I may not have a right to say this, but thank you for coming home. Thank you for coming back to me. I thought I’d lost you."

His arms grow a little tighter, his heart is in an absolute stampede.

You turn your head sideways so that you can listen to his heartbeat.

"This is what I'd wanted," you whimper, starting to be overcome with the emotion of being reunited with Thor and things falling into place more easily. "This is how I'd wanted us to share this moment."

Thor sighs heavily, giving you one more squeeze before he pushes you back a little so that he can look at you.

“I’m so sorry that I robbed you of that. I was a fool,” he nods, his eye intense as he stares into yours with wordless declarations piercing into you.

The memory of your speech with the people when you arrived pops into your head and now with Thor’s arms around you it all feels a little like an overreaction. The past three months feels like a distant nightmare.

Or does this feel like a dream?

“Thor,” you begin but Thor’s lips are on you again, drowning out your words.

“Oh, to hear you say my name,” he declares and kisses you again.

Your mouth opens for him and you absolutely melt against his chest as he nearly dips you in passion.

He pulls back again, “Is this real?”

He kisses you.

“You feel so good in my arms.”

He kisses you.

“Your skin is so…” but then he hums and kisses you.

He dips down and with his arms tight around your waist but also careful with the swell of your stomach, he lifts you so that you’re level with his eye.

“I love you, so much, my cherub. Thank you, thank you for coming home. Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I stayed away,” you sigh. “I need to be strong without you, Thor. I was hurt but I never stopped loving you.”

His face goes through shame, understanding, and then elation.

In a burst of subdued anger and aggression for what he put you through, you reach up and grab his shoulder. You dig your fingers in against the taut muscle then reach up to pull one of his ears.

You’re clearly not hurting him but he allows you to move his head, understanding the need to express your anger even if you’re not doing any damage.

“Never do that to me again,” you growl. “Never say that you’ll leave me. Why would you say that? Even in passing? You were so damn sure.”

“No, Y/N, I wasn’t. The moment I saw you, I knew that I could never leave you. I’m sorry. I could never even think those thoughts again.”

“You better not, or I won’t come back next time. I’ll disappear and you’ll never see me again.”

Thor takes your threat for what it is. A promise. Truth.

He shakes his head as he leans forward to press his forehead to yours, shutting his eye.

“I swear,” he begins. “On my life.”

He keeps you there, hovering over the ground with your heads together for a few minutes before he slowly lowers you to the ground. You realize it’s because he wants to stroke your belly and you take a slight step back so that he can.

He smiles, happy. It reminds you of the look your people had when you’d arrived only a hundred times as possessive and joyful.

Again, your speech intrudes on your reunion and this time, you won’t let him distract you.

“Thor,” you coax, placing your hands over his where they rest on the sides of your stomach.

“Yes, my cherub?”

He’s excessive in the affection he puts in his voice but you know that he must be floating on cloud nine after what you both went through when you made him leave you at your house.

“I-I did something and I’m not sure if it was right of me to do it,” you watch his brow wrinkle and for a split second you almost lose yourself in the beauty of his face.

Has he always been this handsome?

“When I got back I kinda made a speech? Everyone was so happy to see me and to see me carrying our heir and I wanted to apologize to them for leaving and for making them worry. I wanted to share in their excitement for the baby and with that stupid tabloid having come out yesterday-”

“Right, the article,” there’s guilt in his voice despite there being no truth to the rumors it printed.

“I wanted to put their minds at ease and I...I did confirm that something happened with Jane but not what they were thinking.”

Thor’s expression hardens just a tad and he pulls backs towards a large armchair. He grabs your hand though and pulls you along with him until he can sit and then carefully attempts to offer you his lap, unsure if you’ll sit.

You do, because you’re tired and because you’re not eager to be away from him again. Now that you’re touching him, you’re not in a hurry to change that again.

“What did you say exactly?”

Swallowing hard, you lick your lips nervously, “Um...I told them the truth. Not exactly the truth, but enough of it that they’ll understand that Jane isn’t welcome here. I said that the only reason I left is for my health and the health of the baby, which is true. I didn’t want them to worry about us because even if we didn’t reconcile, I want us to be united for them at least.

“But I don’t trust Jane, Thor. Not after what she did. Not after how she treated me when you weren’t looking, and the people need to know that I will protect them from anyone, no matter who they are to you or me.”

Thor’s face grows pained as you speak, his arm wrapping around your waist as his other hand caresses the side of your stomach. You’re starting to realize that it’s going to be hard to get his hands off it, but that doesn’t seem like a terrible problem.

“I wish you had told me that she’d been rude to you,” Thor sighs, taking his hand off of his stomach to stroke your cheek. “If I had known-”

“She wasn’t rude to me Thor, she dismissed me. I wasn’t even worth acknowledging to her and now I know it’s because she was jealous and wanted you back because what? She saw what we had together and suddenly it was good enough for her?

“I was in her way. That’s all I was. Even if in the end she couldn’t go through with it whether it was because she felt guilty for doing this to us or for lying or for having second thoughts and knowing that she doesn’t want to be Queen or a mom, she’s a bad person to me. And I have every right to protect myself, my baby, and our marriage from her. She’s not welcome here Thor. I never want to see her again. Ever.”

He’s cradling you now, holding you close because the intensity with which you're telling him that Jane is not welcome in your home is transferring to him.

“And if you’d known, you wouldn’t have done anything, Thor. You’d probably have talked to her and asked her what was going on and she would have lied to you and you would have believed her.”

He doesn’t deny it. He does look like it hurts him to know that you know though. That’s enough for you.

“I think it took her lying and doing this to us to make you see what she’s capable of.”

Thor shuts his eye, resting his head against your chest as he wraps his arms around you again.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, Thor. But you weren’t the one who lied. I mean, you didn’t tell me what was happening, but you weren’t the reason that this happened. If Jane hadn’t lied-”

“But she did,” Thor says, his deep voice anguished. “And I failed to honor my vows. You are my Queen and I should have come to you the moment she told me she was pregnant.”

You both fall into silence as you reach over to stroke his bicep. His skin is so soft. Touching it gives you comfort in a way you weren’t aware you needed. The more you touch it the more you need to feel it.

A finger stroking his skin turns into two, then four, then your entire hand is running up under the sleeve of his t-shirt.

With the way his hand curls around your thigh, you know that both your bodies are responding to your touch. Both of you are heated but instead of giving into that because you aren’t ready for that yet, you lay your head on his shoulder and curl in closer to his chest.

Thor sighs heavily, wrapping you up in his arms as he cradles you close.

“Now we know better,” you whisper.

“Now I know what losing you will do to me,” Thor agrees. “I’ve missed you so much, cherub.”

You don’t respond. You’re too choked up to say anything without your voice cracking so both of you stay like that for a while.

The cocoon of Thor’s arms is toasty and from the exhaustion you’re feeling plus all of the emotions that have drained you, your eyes are heavy and difficult to keep open.

“What about you?”

Thor’s chest rumbles with a chuckle.

“We can talk more tomorrow, cherub. Sleep.”

“I’m not sleepy,” you lie.

“Very well, then. What about me?”

“You’re sleepy?” you look up at him, full of concern.

He chuckles again, “No, cherub. What were you asking?”

“Oh! I just wanted to know if you’re okay. What Jane did to you can’t have been easy. Despite what she did to us as a couple, she said she was pregnant. You’ve been wanting a baby for so long and she dangled that in front of you like the rat that she is. And then she wasn’t even pregnant?”

Thor’s arms constrict around you as he pulls you up towards him to kiss you.

It’s slow and full of emotion.

“Even after all of that, you’re still worried about me?”

“It took time,” you admit. “Once I wasn’t so angry and I thought about what Jane really did. I hate the idea that your heart broke over her lies. I can’t believe she ever loved you if she was willing to make you feel that way.”

Thor just stares at you, searching your eyes before he rubs his nose gently against your own. When he speaks, his voice is so low, so deep, an intimate whisper. It burrows into your chest and settles right there underneath your ribs and makes you breathless with missing him and desire.

“That’s why you’re my Queen, Y/N. And she is not.”

You’re not sure if it’s an Asgardian ability or if maybe it’s something specific to Thor, but he has a way of making you swoon.

“I missed you so much,” he confesses again, that whisper sinful. “Did you not miss me?”

You nod because you can’t speak. There’s a lump in your throat made of both sadness and want.

“Was your bed as frigid as mine was in your absence? Did you miss my breath on your neck as I did yours? Or the steady beat of your heart when you pressed your breast to my back as you held me while I slept?”

Fuck, he’s making this so impossible.

“I hate you so much,” you counter, but his lips stretch into a small knowing smile as you take a tight hold of the neck of his shirt and pull him up to meet your lips.

He exhales heavily into you, tasting you, relishing in every pulsating touch as both your hearts ache and yearn almost in disbelief as if both of you can’t believe that these wants, these needs are finally being met.

As he pulls back to tilt his head the other way, he takes hold of the sides of your face again, his lips grazing yours, “I love you.”

Before you can reply or yank him back into that torturous yet blissful kiss, a voice at the doorway clears their throat.

“Well, that was fast, what happened to keeping him at a distance?”

Loki’s voice pulls your gaze and you can feel your cheeks and neck burn at how easily it seems you’ve crumbled when finally face to face with Thor.

You frown at your brother-in-law, while Thor ignores his brother and leans up to press very non-chaste kisses to your neck, “I told you coming back was a bad idea.”

But Loki’s smile is blinding and with one chuckle he backs out of the room, shutting the door quietly as Thor turns you back to him so that he can get back to kissing you.

[peachy-rambles]

More King!Techno + Queen!Phil:

One of the kingdoms bordering the Antarctic Empire begins to grow in strength and power, challenging other countries and eventually conquering them. Techno and Phil watch the kingdom closely, wary of a potential threat to their Empire. They are right to be watchful of course because it isn't long before the kingdom begins to encroach on the Empire's territory, slowly taking over cities along their shared border.

As King, it's Techno's duty to deal with the threat and he begins to prepare his army for battle. By now, Phil's wing has healed, meaning he could join Techno in battle and fight by his side once again. But for some reason...he doesn't.

"Someone needs to stay and guard the palace, keep things in order while you're gone," is Phil's reasoning and he seems sure of his decision, which Techno respects and approves of.

On the day that the Empire's army is set to leave, the King and Queen have a heartfelt goodbye, clinging to each other and sharing a deep kiss.

They both know that the other kingdom will most likely be dealt with quickly, perhaps a month at least, but both of them still can't help but feel a little worry and anxiety at being separated.

Phil in particular, is especially emotional, crying as he hugs Techno and making him promise to make the other kingdom regret ever challenging them, to come back home to him as soon as possible.

Techno promises and gives Phil one last kiss before he leaves, leading the army away.

Several months pass.

What was supposed to be a simple border skirmish quickly became much more, the kingdom having much bigger numbers than they originally thought, and Techno is gone far longer than any of them planned. He fights long and hard, refusing to back down, until eventually Techno forces his way into the kingdom's capital, breaks into the castle and finds the cowering king hiding behind what little is left of his army. He gives the other ruler the chance to surrender honorably, but when the king refuses and mistakes Techno for just another warrior (not believing a king would actually risk his life and fight alongside his army), Techno feels no regret killing him.

The Empire is victorious and defeats the kingdom that day. There are calls for celebration and feasts, but all Techno wants to do is return home to Phil and see his Queen once again.

When Techno does eventually return home, bloody and bruised, utterly exhausted but still in one piece...Phil is not there to greet him.

Which immediately sends him into a panic, despite some of his advisors trying to reassure him that Phil is fine, he's just resting and probably tired because it's been a very stressful few days for him, he lost a lot of blood-

Upon hearing that, Techno does not wait for an explanation and rushes to find Phil, slamming open the door to their chambers, to find his husband there.

"Techno-" Phil starts to say before he's enveloped into a crushing hug, Techno bending down to kiss him for the first time in months. Phil can only return the hold and wrap his arms around Techno, kissing him back just as eagerly.

"I'm sorry I took so long, but I'm here now," Techno apologizes once they've seperated.

"It's alright, that's all that matters," Phil reassures him, pressing a soft kiss to his husband's forehead.

Now that he has Phil safely in his arms, Techno can think a little more clearly and that's when he notices that Phil really does look exhausted, but he also seems...happy, a certain glow around him that Techno can't quiet place.

"Phil, what happened while I was gone? The advisors, they said that you lost a lot of blood, but I don't-" Techno begins to asks when Phil smiles and places a finger against Techno's lips to silence him.

"Come here, there's someone I want you to meet," he simply says and takes Techno's hand into his own, leading him to their bed, where a bassinet lays innocently beside it.

A bassinet.

Wait.

Hold on.

Techno's brain is still trying to process the information being presented to him when Phil reaches into the bassinet and picks up the baby (baby!) sleeping inside, cradling them gently in his arms.

"Your son," Phil says, presenting the baby to Techno with a soft smile.

"My son?" Techno asks, his voice cracking slightly, staring in shock at the small creature (his son, his son??) still in Phil's arms.

"Well, our son, but yes. Definitely yours," Phil says with a small chuckle.

"What...how? I don't understand..." Techno trails off, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"Well, when two people love each other very much-" Phil starts to say in a teasing tone.

"Phil! Seriously!"

"Sorry, sorry," Phil apologizes and comes to sit down next to Techno on the bed. He leans into Techno's side and looks down at their son (their son), still sleeping soundly in Phil's arms. "I found out I was pregnant shortly after you left, but I decided not to send a messenger bird to tell you, in case the other kingdom intercepted it. I figured I could tell you in person when you returned home, since you'd only be gone a month, but then..."

"But one month became several," Techno finished. He's quiet for a moment before he hesitates and asks, "Can I...hold him?"

" 'Course," Phil smiles and he passes their son to Techno, making sure to hold him correctly. It's now that their son finally stirs awake, staring up at Techno with big brown eyes.

"You know, he was supposed to be born in another few weeks, but I guess he was just eager to finally meet his father," Phil says quietly, watching his husband and son.

"What's his name?" Techno asks, not tearing his gaze away from his son, who looks so tiny laying there in Techno's arms. So small and fragile, but trusting, no fear in his eyes as he reaches up with a tiny hand to try to grab some of Techno's long hair.

"Officially...he doesn't have one yet. I wanted to wait until you came back so we could name him together..." Phil's voice trails off and he glances off to the side.

"But...?" Techno prompts, sensing his husband's hesitation.

"But I've been calling him Wilbur."

"Wilbur. Hm. It's...nice. Not something I would've chosen, but it'll do I suppose," Techno says with a shrug, causing Phil to chuckle beside him, knowing his husband is teasing him.

"You can choose the name of our next one," Phil promises.

"Hopefully," Techno agrees before his eyes widen when he suddenly realizes what Phil said, "...Next one?"

[krreader]

seven sins | chapter six.

pairing: bts x reader ; kim taehyung x reader fandom: bts warnings: non idol!au ; historical!au ; princes!bts ; concubine!reader ; mentions of sex genre: fluff ; angst word count: 2.3k+ previous: 1 ; 2 ; 3 ; 4 ; 5

summary: even in times such as yours, you still led a privileged life with nothing to ask for. that is until first your father, then your mother died and you were left to care for your two younger sisters. the position for royal physician seemed to be open and with your father having been a general and your mother having been a maid for the queen, you thought you might be able to get it.. little did you know that your visit to the palace would put a completely different offer on the table.

a/n: WE’RE BACK TO POSTING REGULARLY BITCHACHOS! ♥ and this deserves a fucking update, still one of my fav originals to date

“Stop it, this isn't funny!”

You smiled from ear to ear when you could hear your sisters bickering with each other, walking up the familiar stairs to your home that you haven’t walked in weeks now, before carefully sliding open the doors.

Your youngest sister was annoying the older one with a stick, acting as if it was a sword, while the older one just wanted to be left alone.

Funny how so many things had changed... yet others stayed exactly the same.

“You should treat your older sister with a little more respect, you know?”

“(Y/N)!” both of them ran into your arms the moment you had finished your sentence, you hugging them as hard as you could, breathing in their scent that you missed so much, "You’re finally back!”

“I'm sorry I wasn't able to come sooner,” you kissed both of their heads, then showed them the bag that you were holding with a grin, “But I brought you a lot of treats!”

Were you allowed to take them? Probably not. But the kitchen staff always prepared too much for you concubines anyways. It’d be a shame to throw it all away when you had two wonderful sisters sitting at home who’d devour such things.

And indeed, the fact that you were gone for a while seemed to have been forgotten while they stuffed their faces.

For a moment you were afraid that maybe they haven't had enough to eat, but they looked healthy.

“Hey! Why are you eating so much, you make it seem like I haven't fed you at all!” Jun entered with crossed arms, “I've been cooking every day for you brats!”

“Sorry, Auntie Jun, but it's really good,” the youngest said.

She scoffed, but then quickly pulled you into her arms to greet you properly. After all, you also hadn’t seen her in a while.

“I got you something as well,” you whispered, pulling out a bag full of coins and sliding it into the pockets of her dress.

“No, no, no, I don't want this.”

“They give this to us every once in a while to buy new clothes, but I don't need that. You've been clearly taking care of them, Jun, I want you to have this. If not for you, then for your parents.”

She didn't like to take, she usually only gave, but.. she sighed in defeat when she knew she had to take it this time. Like you said, if not for her sake, then for that of her family.

“Thank you,” she squeezed you in her arms once more, then looked at the children to make sure they were still busy with the treats, before pulling you further away from them to have a private conversation.

What she was about to talk to you about shouldn't be heard by them.

“How are you? How are.. things?”

“I'm alright. They haven't found out why I'm there yet, but I think the queen is getting suspicious.”

“Because you're not pregnant, yet? The herbs work?”

“As well as I thought they would, yes. I've slept with four princes so far, so I should be pregnant by now. The good news, though, I heard that because Prince Seokjin is the heir to the throne, he is the one who needs to get a child as soon as possible. So the king ordered that nobody but him is allowed to get me with child and.. he hasn't been one of the four yet.”

“So as long as you stay away from him..-”

“Yes. At least it gives me an excuse. Not a good one, the queen knows men too well, but it's better than nothing.”

“Why haven't you talked to the king yet? You've been up there for a while, haven't you had the chance yet?”

“He's very reserved. Just like I had expected. My father used to tell me that he only saw him so much because he was pretty much the only person he ever trusted. I need a chance to speak with him when he’s alone.”

“Why can't you just tell anyone else? What about one of the princes? Maybe they could help you?”

“I don't know them well enough, Jun. Yes, some of them seem to like me a lot, but I can't take that risk. If I'm wrong, they might give the order to kill me. But with the king, I at least still have the card of my father to play. He will listen to me when he finds out who I really am and then all of this will finally be over.”

“So.. none of the princes could be an ally?”

“Well.. Prince Seokjin might be. He's.. troubled, these days. The weight of becoming the leader and bringing an heir into this world is crushing him. I talked to him once and I feel like he might understand me the most.. of what it's like to trying to look out for your family.”

“Then why not try that?”

“I've only seen him twice. I don't know what he's doing, but he doesn't seem to be much interested in me, to be honest.”

“Well, you managed to sleep with four princes so far. That's more than half of them. If anyone can do it, you can,” she put her hand on your shoulder, “But you need to be careful. I told you that the whole thing about you not being pregnant would cause a problem.”

“I know. But that is why I need to be careful with Prince Seokjin. If I see him and I really do end up sleeping with him but not get pregnant, then people are going to seriously ask questions. That is why the king is still my first option and Prince Seokjin only the second.”

“Whatever you do, you need to hurry,” she turned her head and looked at the two girls sitting on the floor, still eating and chatting about which treat they like the most, “They've been alright, but they ask questions that I don't know how to answer. They know you're working at the palace now, but not what you do there. Neither does anybody else. Yet. But if people do find out, I'm worried that they might treat the two differently. You know how the town folk looks at concubines.”

“I know. Which is why I'm grateful that you haven't said anything to anyone.”

“You know I'd never do that.”

As much as you would have loved to stay the whole night and talk more with both Jun and your siblings, time wasn’t something you had much of these days.

Concubines, especially those with your rank, were only allowed a short period of time in the village. Nevertheless, you spent every second that you could with your family, had your sisters tell you about what's new, cuddled a bunch with them and assured them that you'd be back soon.

However, this time saying goodbye wasn't as hard as the last time, because now they knew that you’d indeed keep your promise of returning to them.

You were not like mother, you would not abandon them.

“Can you bring more treats next time?” the youngest asked with big eyes, making you chuckle and kiss her forehead, “The red ones with the pretty flowers on top?”

“I'll bring you as many treats as you want.”

“YES!” and with that, she ran back into Jun's arms who smiled as well.

And you took that opportunity to kneel down in front of the older one, “Tell me honestly. Are things alright?”

“Yes,” she nodded, “Jun takes good care of us, don't worry.”

“You haven't had any problems? Did anyone try to come in here?”

“No, people leave us alone,” she hugged you tightly, “We're alright, (Y/N). Really.”

God, she has grown up so much.. how long hadn't you seen her? What happened to your baby sister that always tried to get guidance from you? Now it was almost like you could ask her for guidance instead.

“I'm so proud of you..”

“Just come back to us safely.”

“I will,” you kissed the top of her head and then got up from the floor, “I will see you all soon, alright?”

And with that, you walked back to the palace, your heart not as heavy as the last time, thankfully..

..only to run into Eun and..-

“Prince.. Taehyung,” you bowed, but couldn't help the smile that spread on your face when you saw how Eun had her arm hooked with his.

So.. this was her secret Prince, huh? Definitely not a bad choice... but then again... none of them were a “bad choice”. 

“There you are! I thought I might see you at the market,” she smiled, “Where did you go?”

“I uh..- I was just.. taking a walk,” you lied with a nervous chuckle that you quickly covered up by switching topics, “Anyways.. did you enjoy your day?”

“Ah, it was so nice, we had a lovely time.”

As much as you liked seeing her this happy, something about this picture in front of you was making you furrow your eyebrows.

Eun had been the one to scold you for sleeping – genuinely sleeping – with Jimin. She had been the one to tell you that it 'wasn't your place', yet she had her arm hooked with Taehyung's and was looking at him like she loved him.

Whereas he seemed to be.. not nearly as interested in her. 

And why did she never tell you about her prince? Why had she kept it such a secret? You had told her about all of the ones you had slept with and now that you thought about it.. she seemed to have been relieved.. and now it all made sense. She had been relieved because Taehyung hadn't been one of them.

“My brothers told me quite a lot about you, (Y/N),” you three walked back to the castle, three guards in front, three guards behind you, “Good things only, of course.”

And see, you saw the way he looked at you, but Eun didn't. She just continued to look at him with those loving eyes and.. it hurt you. Because out of everyone at the palace, she was the only one that you truly cared about.

“Thank you, your majesty,” you said plainly, “I very much enjoyed my time with them.”

You needed to talk to her. 

“Can I talk to you for a moment?” you pulled Eun aside at dinner later that night.

You thought about doing this some other time and giving her a bit more space, but you hadn’t been able to think about anything other than this. If she was truly in love with Prince Taehyung, then she needed someone to wash her head and tell her that this wasn’t a fairytale. 

“Of course,” she followed you into the gardens, a place where you thought it’d be best to have such a conversation. Most importantly, because of the privacy.

“If I ask you a question.. will you promise me to be honest about it?”

“Yes. We're friends, aren't we?”

Which was exactly why you needed to have that conversation with her. Because you might end up being the one breaking her heart in the end. Because if Taehyung wanted to have you, he would. 

“Eun.. why did you never tell me that Taehyung was your designated prince?”

“It.. just never came up.”

“It did.. a lot of times, actually. I kept asking you about it and you kept laughing it off. It was as if you wanted to keep it a secret.”

“Don't be silly,” she fidgeted with her hands, “Why would I keep that a secret?”

You stopped walking and gently grabbed her arm to make her stop too, “When you first met me, you said you wanted to be my friend because the other girls were all very competitive over their princes and that they had this mindset that they might change them and make them fall in love with them,” when she lowered her head, you knew you were right, “Eun.. did you fall in love with Prince Taehyung?”

It didn’t take more than ten seconds for her to burst into tears, confirming your suspicions.

You immediately pulled her close, rubbing your hands up and down her back, trying to comfort her as best as you could. You pitied her, really. 

“Everyone else has at least two girls.. but Taehyung only has me. I thought.. I thought I was special..”

“But you are special,” you immediately leaned back to look into her eyes, “Don't you ever let a man not make you feel special. No matter who he is. You are beautiful, you are kind, you are intelligent and every man out there would be a fool not to see that.”

“But Taehyung..-”

“Is.. a different case,” you shook your head, “You said it yourself, Eun. These princes aren't looking for love, they're looking for sex and someone to give them children.”

“Not with you.. you aren't like that.”

“Yes, Eun, I am exactly like that. I'm just like you, just like every other girl here.”

“No,” she wiped away her tears and took a step back, “I overheard Taehyung talk to one of his brothers..”

“So..?” you furrowed her eyebrows, not knowing what she was trying to tell you here.

Eun straightened her back, “I don’t know which brother it was, but one of them told Taehyung that they had fallen in love with you.”

[cedfiafics]

Merlin’s Mushrooms!

For nearly a decade Sofia had served as an ambassador to many of Enchancia's neighboring countries as well as their allies across the sea but after she became pregnant her duties were relegated to handling written correspondence. James stepped in and took over for his sister, traveling abroad when necessary to ensure relations between their kingdom and others remained peaceful and intact. It was boring work but he was happy to do it if it meant Sofia could rest and prepare for the birth of her first child; a baby that was hard fought for after years of difficulty conceiving.

But just a month before Sofia's due date an urgent letter arrived. There was a growing threat of conflict between the kingdoms of Khaldoun and Rudestan and if a treaty could not be brokered, all out war might erupt.

It was a dire circumstance that required more finesse and diplomacy than James could provide. Amber was all too eager to volunteer herself, eager to prove what she could accomplish as the future Enchancian Queen.

It was a risk Roland was initially unwilling to take. Both Sofia and James were quite capable of handling themselves in dangerous situations, at least in the king's eyes. Amber was different and Roland was concerned about his eldest daughter making the trip into an already unstable situation where the threat of violence on both sides could put her at real risk.

He agreed to let her intervene on one condition and one condition alone; she take Cedric with her to keep her safe with his magical prowess.

Cedric himself was furious with the idea. He and Sofia were expecting their first child in only a month's time and he knew just how long these political ordeals could draw themselves out. He didn't want to miss the birth of the baby he and his wife had tried so desperately, so long for.

Sofia put his mind at ease, however. She assured him that Amber was a strong negotiator and that if anyone could quell the rising tensions between Khaldoun and Rudestan, the future queen would do it and she would do it in record time.

With his wife's confidence in her sister, Cedric begrudgingly went along with the eldest princess to tackle the international issue between the two Enchancian allies. To her eternal credit, Amber was amazingly adept at bringing about a resolution to the issues between the kingdoms in a swift and cordial manner. In fact, to the royal sorcerer it felt as though they had spent more time traveling to the region than they had at the parley.

He was all too happy to be returning home with more than three weeks to spare before the expected birth of his child. Upon arrival he headed straight for the room he shared with his wife, eager to surprise her with his speedy return.

He was instead greeted with the soft sounds of cooing before his hand even met with the door. His heart dropped into his gut. It couldn't be, could it? Had he really missed the birth of his babe? He gripped the handle and pushed his way in to the dimly lit room to find his fear had been realized. Sofia was in their bed with their child in her arms looking absolutely radiant though clearly exhausted.

“Oh Sofia, if I had known...” Was all he could bring himself to say as he took in the beautiful sight before him.

“It's alright. We couldn't have known.” Sofia said with a tired smile. “The midwife said these early arrivals are actually common in multiple births and-”

“M-multiple births?” Cedric croaked in surprise. “Y-you mean like twins?”

Sofia laughed and tilted her head in the direction of the bassinet at their bedside. “Well yes, like twins. But it's really more like... triplets.”

“T-t-triplets!?” Cedric managed before his legs gave out beneath him. “Merlin's mushrooms!”

[sfb123]

Sapere Aude - Part 10

Book: The Royal Heir

Pairing: King Liam Rys x Queen Riley Brooks

All characters belong to Pixelberry.

Catch Up Here

Series Description: I developed a theory of what I think will happen in TRH Book 4, and I was encouraged by some very lovely people to turn my theory into a fic, so here it is. Basically, Riley is recruited to join the Via Imperii, this series will follow her as she joins them to try and bring them down from the inside, and all of the drama and bombshells she learns along the way. Sapere Aude is Latin for “dare to know” it seemed like an appropriate title.

Rating: PG-13 Adult language, allusions to smut (but nothing graphic), discussions of death, conspiracy, blackmail, and other adult themes.

Warning: The Royal Heir Book 3 Spoilers all over the place.

Disclaimer: I have no current affiliation with any other Via Imperii themed stories. Any claims that I have pre-read anything are false.

Word Count: 2,759

A/N: Sorry for the wait, I’m not going to keep broadcasting my self-loathing bullshit, but I’ve been having a hell of a time in my life. I’m working my way out of it thanks to a stellar support system (shout out @jessiembruno​​ and @txemrn​​ for being the Tumblr pieces to that puzzle). I’m also now up to 3 friends that are pregnant, which means I have 3 baby blankets to knit in the next 6 months, so that’s something that will be taking up a bit of my time. But I promise you more stories are coming, as well as some kind of ending to this story. I’ve hit the awkward place that I’ve feared since I started writing Sapere Aude; where I know where I want it to go, but I’m not quite sure how to get there. I’ll figure it out though, I promise, just bear with me.

As always, big ups to @twinkleallnight​​ for my awesome moodboard!

Tags: My tag list angels are all listed below. Let me know if you’d like to be added or removed.

It was the day of the Royal Council meeting, Liam and Drake were planning to take this opportunity to work with Olivia in outfitting Riley with a camera or recorder for her next interaction with the Via Imperii. Mara had informed her of an upcoming meeting, which she was going to use as her opportunity. 

Liam was trying to keep his focus on the task at hand, destroying this group, instead of all of the information he had learned about them, and what they had done to him. The thing that made that difficult was the constant reminder of his betrayal and loss, in the form of his brother, who was still charged with guarding Eleanor. He and Bastien had decided that it would be too much of a risk to reassign him, or remove him from the guard entirely. The timing would, no doubt, tip them off that Riley had said something, and he was not about to put that target on his wife’s back. He was hoping he would get used to being around Thomas, but a part of him knew he would not be fully at peace with the situation, at least not without being able to confront him.

He also knew that Olivia was going to need to be brought up to speed. This meant that he would need to go through everything all over again, and he was dreading it. As he stood in front of his mirror, adjusting his tie, he was planning out the best ways to have this conversation. A look of concern clearly etched in his face, Riley noticed it the second she stepped into the room. 

“Hey, you’ve been getting dressed for an awfully long time. Are you doing alright?” She walked up behind him, taking him out of his thoughts. She knew he wasn’t, but he needed to tell her that, the last thing he needed was to feel cornered into talking about things. 

He exhaled deeply before turning and wrapping his arms around Riley’s waist. “Yes, just going over the plan for today.”

“And figuring out how you’re going to get through reliving everything when you tell Olivia what’s going on?” She arched an eyebrow. 

“Am I ever going to be able to get anything past you?” He smiled, placing a hand on her cheek. 

“Nope, never. I can read you like a book, Your Majesty.” She tapped her index finger to his nose, taking a brief pause to enjoy the sound of the soft chuckle that escaped him. “Maybe I can help. Olivia and I are having lunch before the meeting, I can fill her in on everything, then you and Drake can just work with her on the techy stuff.”

“You don’t have to do that, Riley.”

“No, you’re right, I don’t have to, but it will help you, so I want to.”

Liam pressed a lingering kiss to her lips. “Thank you, love.”

A few hours later, Riley sat on the terrace waiting for Olivia to arrive. She had Bastien perform a full sweep of the area to ensure that their conversation remained between them. Part of her hoped it would be easier to explain everything this time. After all, she had already explained everything three times. Then she remembered the hardest part of this whole thing, it wasn’t telling people what was going on, it was seeing their reactions. She was, one by one, breaking the hearts of all of the people closest to her. While Olivia had already made peace with the shortcomings of her parents, she was about to learn the truth about what happened to her best friend’s mother. Not only was she with Liam when he lost her, seeing his heartbreak first hand, but Eleanor had taken Olivia in when she lost her parents, she took care of her as if she were her own mother. Better than her own mother, she showed Olivia love and kindness, things that her mother taught her to be weaknesses. 

As Olivia approached the table, Riley stood to greet her with a smile. Olivia was instantly suspicious. It had been a few weeks since the pair had seen each other, usually when that was the case, Riley would charge her and wrap her in a hug. An action that Olivia would begrudgingly reciprocate. 

“What’s wrong?” Olivia stood in front of her place at the table, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“Good to see you too, Liv. Why would you think something is wrong?”

Olivia rolled her eyes before continuing, “Because you’re standing there smiling like the queen. You didn’t run up to me greeting me with that annoying sing-song voice.”

“I’m smiling like the queen because I am the queen, and this is how I smile.” Riley feigned offense. “Maybe I’m just maturing as a person.”

“You sent me a video the other day of cats pushing things off of counters.”

“Oh yea, that was hilarious! Cats can be real je--” She stopped when Olivia arched her brow in a silent ‘I told you so’. “Alright fine, I have to fill you in on some things.”

Once they sat, Riley filled Olivia in on everything that had happened since the Harvest Ball. The recruitment, the meeting, and all of the information she had learned along the way. As difficult as it was, Olivia remained silent while Riley spoke. She wanted to make sure to get every piece of information that was being thrown at her. 

“So that’s why Liam scheduled a meeting with you when the council lets out. He and Drake are going to speak with you about cameras and recorders that I can sneak in with me to get some evidence.” There was a silence between the two while Olivia processed the information.

Olivia took a deep breath before speaking. “How is he handling all of this?”

“I mean, you know Liam. He’s keeping it inside and not really talking about it. And when he does, he’s blaming himself.” Riley shrugged. One of the things she loved about him was how much he cared about everyone else, but it was also one of his most frustrating traits. He was always too worried about those around him to properly take care of his needs, and would often blame himself for things he had no control over. 

“That sounds about right.” Olivia’s expression softened. “He took it so hard when his mother died. He was so broken.”

“And now, it’s like he’s losing her all over again, but so much worse, because he’s questioning everything about himself.” Riley could feel the emotion building up inside of her. 

Olivia smiled sadly as she reached across the table and placed her hand over Riley’s. “It will take time, he’ll get past it, and you’re going to be a big part of that.”

Riley nodded, taking a moment to compose herself. “So, you’ll help right?”

“You’ve been through a lot the last couple of days, so I’m going to let that ridiculous question slide.”

Riley sat a little lower in her seat and raised her glass to her lips before mumbling out a ‘thank you’. 

The pair finished their lunch, and made their way to the council meeting. Liam was waiting by the door, greeting the members as they entered. Riley approached first, placing a chaste kiss on his lips before taking her place next to him. As Olivia approached, an uncharacteristically sympathetic look spread across her face before she leaned in, kissing Liam on the cheek and bringing him into a brief hug. As they pulled away, they looked at each other and nodded, and Olivia continued into the room. 

Liam wrapped his arm around Riley’s waist and kissed her on the temple before returning his attention to the council members that were still arriving. Though it didn’t seem like much, Liam knew exactly what that greeting meant, and it was just what Liam needed from his childhood friend.  

As the members of the council cleared out of the room, Riley and Liam found a corner where they could have a moment to themselves. “That went well, they really seemed to like your new proposal.” Riley smiled, smoothing her hands over the lapels of Liam’s jacket.

“I’m very excited to move forward with it.” He brushed a loose hair out of her face, placing a kiss on the newly exposed spot on her forehead. “Will you be joining us for our meeting?”

“No, I’m going to pick up Eleanor and take her outside to play. You guys need some privacy. Just make sure that if it’s wearable, you pick something cute.” She reached up and kissed him on the nose. 

Liam gave an over exaggerated gasp, placing a hand over his chest. “Riley Rys, have you ever known me to give you something that wasn’t of the utmost caliber of cute?”

“Hmm let me think, cute outfits, cute jewelry, cute baby,” she pondered, placing her forefinger over her lip as she looked up at him and raised an eyebrow, “cute husband. Nope, you’re right, you’ve given me the cutest everything since day one.” 

He laughed and pulled her close, pressing his lips to hers. 

“Alright, break it up. You’re adults in charge of an entire country, you can’t keep being late for stuff because you were making out.” Drake interrupted the pair, who pulled away blushing slightly. 

“We’re the king and queen, we’re never late, everyone else is just early.” Riley teased before looking up at Liam. “We really should get going though.

Riley kissed Liam softly and gave Drake a hug before walking out of the room. Liam watched her exit before turning to his friend. “Let’s get Olivia and head upstairs.”

When they entered the Royal Quarters, Liam signaled for Olivia and Drake to sit on the couch before he took a seat on the chair adjacent to them. “Olivia, I appreciate your time this afternoon. I understand Riley filled you in on the situation.”

“She did. How are you doing?” She paused, looking over to Drake. “Both of you.” 

Drake knitted his brows in confusion. “Since when do you give a fuck about feelings...or me, for that matter?”

“Listen Drake, we’ve had our...differences over the years, but I know how it feels to be betrayed by your family. That isn’t something I would wish on even my worst enemy.” Olivia had a kindness in her voice that neither of the men expected. 

“Oh, well thanks. I’m alright. Liam really got hit with the brunt of it though.” Drake turned to the chair, he was also hoping to hear Liam’s answer. He hadn’t spoken much about everything since that initial meeting. 

Liam looked between his childhood friends, the two people in this world that knew him almost as well as Riley did, he knew that they wouldn’t let him get away with brushing the question off. He exhaled and wiped his hand over his face before responding. “It has been difficult, I have a lot that I still need to process. I cannot fully process everything without confronting Thomas, and possibly Eleanor. Which I clearly cannot do until this has been resolved. Riley would be exposed, I can’t put her in danger like that. My focus right now is making sure she is safe, and that we end this. That’s where you come in, Olivia.”

“Of course, talk to me about what kind of information you are looking to gather. We can go from there.”

They spent the next few hours talking about what kind of information they were hoping to collect, what Olivia had for equipment, and what she could get without causing suspicion from outside parties. They settled on an audio recorder embedded in a button that could be sewn into one of Riley’s existing blouses, along with a retractable pen that doubled as a camera, taking still shots every time the top was clicked. This would, not only, allow Riley to get the devices into the meeting, but it would enable Olivia to easily have everything delivered from Lythikos to the palace. 

As their meeting wrapped up, Riley and Eleanor walked through the door. As soon as Eleanor saw Olivia on the couch, she broke into a sprint. “Auntie!” 

Olivia raised her hand before Eleanor could make it all the way to the couch. “Eleanor, what did I teach you about running?”

She stopped dead in her tracks, pausing to remember. “Running is for the weak.”

Olivia nodded. “Very good, now approach like the princess you are, and greet your aunt properly.”

Eleanor carefully approached Olivia, stopping when she got directly in front of her. “Hello, Auntie Olivia.”

“That’s better.” Olivia reached out and pulled Eleanor into her lap, giving her a hug. 

Drake leaned in behind Olivia’s back and whispered in Eleanor’s ear, “You. Me. Maze tag. After Auntie Olivia leaves.” Eleanor covered her mouth and giggled. 

“I heard that Walker.” Olivia turned around, staring Drake down. “She is going to be the Queen of Cordonia one day, there are more important uses of her time.”

“She’s a kid, Liv, she needs to have fun.” 

“Alright, alright.” Riley stepped in and took Eleanor from Olivia’s arms. “Why don’t you two put a pin in this conversation. When you finally get over this fake hate that is so obviously love, you can fight over how to raise your children.” 

Drake and Olivia both snapped their heads toward Riley, who now had Liam standing beside her trying to stifle a laugh. 

“Yes Drake, then Riley and I won’t be the only ones running late for stuff because we were making out.” Liam exchanged a high five with his wife. 

Drake shook his head, “Gross. I’m leaving.”

“But Uncle Drake, you promised maze tag?” Eleanor looked up at him with sad eyes. 

“You’re right, I did. Let’s go kid.” He reached his arm out, taking Eleanor’s hand. “You won’t make fun of me like your mom and dad do, will you?”

“Never ever.”

“And that’s why you’re my favorite.” With that, they made their way out the door. 

Riley shared a brief laugh with Liam before they both turned their attention back to Olivia. They spoke for a while longer, Liam and Olivia filling Riley in on what they had come up with. Olivia was invited to stay for dinner, but she had to get back to Lythikos to prepare the recording equipment to be sent to the palace. Riley walked Olivia out while Liam remained on the couch. When she returned to the sitting area, she sat in Liam’s lap. 

“It sounds like we have a decent plan in place. I hope I can get some good information in this meeting.” Riley wrapped her arms around her husband’s neck and kissed him on the tip of his nose. 

Liam looked at her with a hint of sadness in his eyes as he brought one hand up to stroke her cheek. “Me too, I just wish we didn’t have to risk your safety to get it.”

“Hey, I’ll be ok, I promise.” She pressed a kiss to his lips. “We’ve got this.”

He nodded. As much as he wanted to believe her, he knew this battle was so much different than any they had fought before. They couldn’t trust anyone, and there was a possibility that they were being observed at any given time. He didn’t doubt Riley’s strength or tenacity for a second. But this time, there were so many questions and unknowns about their enemy, that he feared the worst.

Riley noticed Liam falling deeper and deeper into his thoughts, she knew she needed to do something to get him back to the present. She began playing with the hair at the base of his neck as she placed soft kisses along his jaw. “You know, I don’t have to start dinner for another hour...and Eleanor is outside with Drake...any thoughts on what we could do with this sudden time to ourselves?” She asked in between kisses.

The sadness in his eyes was quickly replaced with a look of desire. “Mmm...I do have a few things in mind.” His hands traveled the curves of her body as he methodically kissed down her neck.

“Care to tell me?”

“I’d rather show you.” Liam stood abruptly, lifting Riley with him and tossing her over his shoulder, slapping her on her behind. He delighted at the yelp that escaped her at the sudden contact. He quickly carried her to the bedroom, kicking the door shut behind him. 

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Permatag: @anjanettexcordonia​ @athena-penrose​ @chemist-ana​@choicesficwriterscreations​ @cordonia-gothqueen​ @cordoniaqueensworld @gabesmommie1130​ @gkittylove99​ @hopelessromanticmonie​ @iaminlovewithtrr​ @jessiembruno​ @kat-tia801​ @khoicesbyk​ @kingliam2019​ @lucy-268​ @marshmallowsaremyfavorite​ @mile9213​ @mom2000aggie​ @pixie88​ @queenrileyrose​ @secretaryunpaid​ @sweatyrysconnoisseur​ @theroyalheirshadowhunter​ @twinkleallnight​ @txemrn​

Sapere Aude: @burnsoslow​ @busywoman​ @ofpixelsandscribbles​

Liam x Riley: @jared2612​

[tinyboxxtink]

Hi, could you write a domestic!Rafael Barba x pregnant!reader?

They already have an adoptive child and are glowing with the pregnancy news.

I have a soft spot for domestic Barba, the man deserves the world.

Sorry this took so long, I made it kind of long to make up for it! I hope you like it. <3

-----

You walked into your house and were greeted by your cat Bob rubbing against your legs. Your daughter had named him after her favorite show at the time, “Bob the Builder” and it just stuck.

“Hello, Bob,” You smiled as he purred against your legs.

“Mommy!!” Your three year old daughter Zoe came running through the living room and jumping in your arms.

“Hey ZoZo, how was your day my big girl?” You grinned as you pushed back her coarse black hair. Her daddy was clearly still trying to get the hang of doing her “kitchen”, since you had adopted her from Africa.

“Daddy and I made cookies!” She beamed as she grabbed your hand and started running towards the kitchen, and there was the most beautiful sight waiting for you. Your husband Rafael was cleaning the kitchen covered in flour and dough; chocolate stained his apron that read “Daddy Chef”.

He was such a different man since you had met him ten years ago in a Starbucks after you had accidentally grabbed his coffee. He was irate, something about needing coffee to “Survive”. You had called him a huge drama queen and offered to buy him a new one so he wouldn’t have a heart attack; only to have him actually end up having that heart attack when he found you in the courtroom later that day as his competition.

Since then you had been friendly rivals, which led to friends, which led to you falling in love. And when you got married you have amazingly convinced him to move to the suburbs. A feat no one had ever been able to get him to even fathom. People said you were his weakness, others said you were his catalyst. The thing that caused him to become a better man. When you found out you couldn’t conceive, you were devastated. But Rafael looked into adoption, and being the amazing lawyer that he is, he expedited the process in adopting Zoe.

After that, he was a completely changed man. He fell in love with Zoe almost instantly, and wanted to spend every minute with her. You remember the shocking conversation you two had when he asked you if you would consider being the “breadwinner” for a while. He wanted to stay home and soak up every minute of “Zoe time”. You finally agreed after LOTS of talking, and assurances that it’s really what he wanted.

So here you were, 3 years later; your happy homemaker Rafa with his baby girl. He had gone from depositions to diapers, and he seemed happier than ever.

You laughed as you walked towards him and wiped excess flour from his face as you kissed him hello.

“Did you get any of the dough in the cookies baby?” You giggled.

“We did-- barely,” He picked up a plate of a few misshapen chocolate chip cookies.

“Oh good, I’m starving!” You grabbed one and chomped into it. You glanced at Zoe who was waiting with baited breath for your approval.

“Yum!!” You smiled with a mouthful of cookie.

“YAY!!!! We did good daddy!” She cheered as she gave Rafael a huge hug.

“Good job, mi hijita!” He smiled as he bent over and kissed the top of her head. “Now go watch cartoons,”

“Okay!” She giggled and ran back into the living room.

“So how was work, mi amor?” He asked while wiping down your counters.

“It was good, long,” You sighed, fiddling with your wedding ring.

“What’s wrong carino, you look nervous,” He took your hands.

“Well...I found out some news today,” You bit your lip.

“Good news? Bad news?” He look concerned.

“Well, I think it’s good, I hope it’s good,” You cracked a small smile.

“Oh?”

“...I’m pregnant, Rafa,” You pulled out the pregnancy test you had taken at lunch from your pocket. You had been sick the last few days and had chalked up to stress with a case but after you won today and still had that nausea, you had taken the test and BOOM!

“Really?” His eyes began to fill with tears.

“Yeah, I hope you’re not mad. I know you wanted to go back to work soon, so if you want we can trade and I’ll stay with Zoe while I ‘grow’ this one and--” You were cut off by a pair of lips over yours.

“Whatever you want, mi amor,” He grinned, pulling you close. “Whatever you want,”

[winterfluffs]

Mistakes

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Fem Reader

Summary: He had it all. It just took him too long to realize it.

Warnings: Angst galore. Lots of swearing, fighting, name calling; mentions of sex, drinking and cheating.

Word count: 2.4k

Author's notes: Hello, everyone. It has been quite a while. Unfortunately life happened and is still happening so I haven't had time to write like I want to. Also having a mental block isn't helping any...So I thought I would try some of my old stuff on here (it was written with another person so it might not all make sense). Anyway, try to enjoy.

[Y/N = Your name]

[Y/N/N = Your nickname]

[R/G/N = Random girl’s name]

[H/C = Hair color]

[E/C = Eye color]

[H/C* = Brunette, blonde, redhead etc]

Steve Rogers stared at the house in front of him, his throat tightening at the thought of seeing her again. [Y/N]. The love of his life. The one person who knew him inside and out and yet he let her slip through his hands. Steve thought back to the last day he saw her, his eyes filling with tears as the memory of the fight that ended their relationship played over in his mind - the fight that, even today, continued to haunt him.

-------

Steve stumbled in the door of his house, clearly unaware of how drunk he was. “Y/N!” He called out making his way from the door through the dark house. He stopped in the hallway, remembering where they had made love throughout the years. Feeling himself get turned on by the thought, Steve felt his way through the dark hallway grabbing onto tables, walls, paintings anything that would stable his continuous swaying.

Steve hoisted himself up on his elbows, frowning slightly. This was not what he had planned. He was going to come home after a night out at the bar and he was going to sweep his girlfriend up in his arms and make sweet, passionate love to her until the sun started to rise. That was the plan. Not this. Not another fight.  

“[Y/N]!” He called out again, mumbling to himself as he found the stairway to their bedroom. Where the hell was she? The thought of her was beginning to really turn him on now, his pants tightening as he rested a hand inside in his pants, grabbing his hard on in his hand. He needed her and he needed her now. It had been so long since they made love, so long since he felt himself inside her, so long since he held her in his arms that the need to be with her grew with every step he took. “[Y/N/N]-” He gulped back the feel of bile rising in his throat. No. He was not going to be sick tonight. Tonight, he was going to spend the rest of his free time with his girl in his arms, making slow sweet love to her.

Tonight, was going to be different. Tonight, he was going to make her forget all their fighting, the distance he had put between the two and he was going to make her feel like the queen she was.

It wasn’t his fault they had grown apart. No. She was pregnant. She spent more time caring for that unborn child than she did with him. NO! Steve shook the thought out of his head.

“[Y/N]!” He finally made his way up the stairs and into their bedroom, flipping on the lights as he burst through the door.

“Steve, what the hell?” [Y/N] moaned shielding her eyes from the bright light that shone through the room. “It’s three in the morning.”

Steve quickly made his way towards the bed, tripping over various shoes and clothes he had thrown around the room, cursing under his breath when he banged his shin into the bedpost while trying to climb onto the bed.

“Steve, you’re drunk.” [Y/N] sighed as the nauseating smell of alcohol overpowered her senses. Sitting up gently as to not upset her stomach, Y/N opened her eyes more doing her best to focus on what was going on around her.

“I….am not drunk.” Steve slurred doing his best to give her a smile that turned out to be more of a lopsided grin. “I have come to spend time with my beautiful girlfriend.”

[Y/N] scoffed rolling her eyes. Noticing her sudden sense of annoyance, Steve tried to crawl over the bed only to slump face down into the covers. He chuckled to himself, his laughter echoing off the four walls. “What was that for?” He called out suddenly, his voice muffled by the duvet.

“Rogers, you are so drunk you can barely speak.” [Y/N] rolled her eyes again. “Look, you’re drunk, I’m tired. I’m going back to bed.”

“Nooooooooooo…..” Steve protested. “I’m going to make it up to you tonight. No sleep.” He slurred more, his eyes trying to focus on the person sitting next to him.

“Make WHAT up, Steve?” [Y/N]’s voice turned cold, bitter. “The times when you would disappear days on end? Or maybe the fact that you would never say a word to me before or after you got home. Or are you planning on making up for the fact that you use any excuse to stay out of the house for as long as possible? Huh, Steven?!” 

“I’m going to make it up to you. Let’s go out!” Steve grinned, slapping his hand against the pillows. He had to take her out. He had to show her that he still loved her even though he had pulled away from her recently. “Get dressed in something sexy. I’m going to take you out to eat and then we’ll go stay at a beautiful hotel until morning.”

“I am four months pregnant, Steve. I am not going ANYWHERE at three in the morning.” [Y/N] groaned, rolling her eyes as the annoyance in her body grew.

 He cursed under his breath. This was becoming a lot harder than he had originally thought. “Then fuck me. I need to ram my hard dick into that wet cunt of yours.” Steve hissed in her ear, pressing his lower body into her leg.

“Steve, please go to sleep. You are clearly very drunk; it is really late and I haven’t been feeling well at all today. Get into bed and sleep it off.” [Y/N] moaned turning her back to him, snuggling back under the warm covers and shutting her eyes.

“I said FUCK! ME!” Steve roared grabbing and pinning her against the headboard of the bed making [Y/N] gasp in fear. Steve’s breathing deepened the anger and need for control rising higher in his body.

 “Who the FUCK do you think you are?!” [Y/N] slapped him across the face a new anger seething through her entire body. Not only was he able to hurt her but he could hurt their baby too, a chance [Y/N] refused to take. “I NEVER want to see you EVER again!” She hissed trying to wiggle free from his tight grasp.

Steve scoffed shoving her harder against the headboard. “You are such a tease. You lay here in my bed night after night without even as much as looking at me much less touching me. What kind of woman are you, huh? The kind of woman who dick teases her man but won’t give him anything. The kind of woman I was stupid enough to be with for five years.”

[Y/N] immediately felt her hand smack across his face, the anger quickly turning to disgust as Steve held her to the bed with one hand while the other began to remove his clothes. “Fuck you.” She shoved him off her making Steve stumble back onto the bed. Grabbing the biggest suitcase she could find, [Y/N] very quickly began tossing every piece of clothing and underwear she could find along with some toiletries and her cell phone into her bag and dialing a cab as she worked her way through her closet.

Steve staggered to the open room holding on to the doorframe in order to not topple over. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” He smirked, stumbling an inch closer to where she was standing.

“You are a horrible and despicable excuse for a human being, Steven Rogers. I NEVER want to see or hear from you ever again. Ever.” She hissed picking up her suitcases and throwing them down the stairs.

“Fine. With. Me.” Steve smirked feeling happy that he would finally be rid of her for good. “I’ve been fucking [R/G/N] behind your back anyway.”

[Y/N] spun on her heel, punching him square in the face as the shock of everything began to take over her body. “I spent the last five years of my life being in love with someone who never truly loved me back. When I have my child, he will never know who his father was because as far as I’m concerned you don’t deserve the kind of love that I or my child can give. Steve, you stay away from me from now on. I have wasted thousands and thousands of kisses and nights loving you- love that I thought was special because of who you were and an amazing person you could be. I used to think that was the real you, when you smiled and made me feel like I was home. But now I know you didn’t mean any of it. Shame on me for kissing and loving you with my eyes closed so tight.”

And with those words, she was out of his life, for good.

 -------

Steve instantly felt the bile rise to the back of his throat as the memory flashed in front of his eyes. The look of hurt, anger, pain and disappointment in her eyes played over and over in his mind, each time making him feel worse than the last.

 He knew he should have treated her better, he should have been there like a good boyfriend should have. Instead, he pushed her away, left for days without telling her where he was going or when he would be back. He wanted his freedom, but he also wanted to come home and cuddle up next to [Y/N], make love to her and let her know she was the one. He had been so stupid! Said things he didn’t mean to say. Why did he say he was sleeping with another woman when the only woman he wanted was her?

Swallowing hard, he shakily opened the door to his mother’s house and was instantly greeted by a warmth he hadn’t felt since [Y/N] left him. His heart began to pound loudly in his chest as he heard the one thing he had wanted for so long.

Steve’s steps quickened, the need to see her becoming more of a need to breathe as he finally made his way from the kitchen and into the living room. His breath caught in his throat and tears filled his eyes as his eyes laid on the gorgeous woman sitting next to his mother on the couch. Her long [H/C] hair had been cut and now flowed around her shoulders, her [E/C] eyes shone with a sparkle Steve hadn’t seen in a long time. On her lap sat the most beautiful baby boy he had ever seen.

Blinking back tears, Steve eyed the little boy carefully; light blond hair, big blue eyes, and a smile Steve knew belonged to the little boy’s mother. His eyes then shifted to a little blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl sitting on his mother’s lap. Covering his mouth with a tearful gasp, Steve slowly backed away unable to stop the tears from falling.

“I should have been there. [Y/N] needed me and I wasn’t there. How stupid and selfish was I?” Steve paced the warm kitchen, stopping immediately when he heard [Y/N] laugh loudly, the ache in his heart growing. He carefully looked into the living room, his eyes resting on the beautiful [H/C*] closely. Her smile lit up her whole face, something Steve hadn’t seen in too long a time making his heart break more, knowing he was not her reason for happiness.

That is when he saw him: A tall, strong, dark haired, blue eyed man sat next to Y/N, her eyes twinkling as the man bent down to whisper something in her ear. He watched as the man slipped an arm around [Y/N]’s waist, lovingly kissing her on the head just like he once used to. Steve felt the tears refill his eyes as he watched Y/N place a tender yet loving kiss on the taller man’s lips, smiling widely with happiness as she pulled away.

“Steven?” Steve blinked, not realizing he had been staring. Looking to the person next to him, Steve’s heart rose into his throat, his knees becoming weak. “Mom…” Steve whispered before collapsing into his mother’s arms no longer able to hold back the tears he’d been desperately trying to fight.

“Steve!” A sudden gasp caused Steve to turn from his mother’s embrace, immediately causing him to stop dead in his tracks. [Y/N] stood in the doorway, her mouth open in shock at the sight of her ex-lover in tears. Steve’s heart thudded in his chest - she was even more beautiful than he remembered.

“[Y/N/N]….” He whispered breathlessly wanting to take her in his arms, telling her what a fool he had been to let her go. “I am so s-”

“Mrs. Rogers, you have been wonderful. Thank you so much for having us over.” [Y/N] braved a smile even though she felt her heart breaking all over again. Quickly gathering her things and giving Mrs. Rogers a farewell hug, Y/N looked back and saw Steve still standing in the kitchen, silently watching her from behind his tears.

Steve wanted to move, call out, say something - anything - to her but lost his voice each time he tried. Realizing his mistakes, Steve gently grabbed her by the arm forcing her to face him for the first time since their breakup. “[Y/N/N], I….” He took in a deep breath, fighting back even more tears as the look of hurt shone through her eyes.

“Please, Steve. Don’t.” She quickly turned away, her lip quivering as the tears filled her eyes.

“[Y/N/N], please.” Steve lifted her face to his. Tears streamed down her face making Steve’s heart break even more. All because he was stupid, because he pushed her away and forced her out of his life. “I…love…you.”

[Y/N] stood in shock. The last thirteen and a half months swirled in her head; the late nights, the partying, the drinking, him never being home, being pregnant and alone, the horrible fight that ended their five-year long relationship all came crashing down around her, making it hard for her to breathe.

“Steven, I have to go!” [Y/N] shrugged her arm out of his grasp, holding back the sobs as she quickly made her way to the front door. Steve called out to her, his voice soft, almost a whisper. All she wanted to do was get out, put Steven Grant Rogers behind her once and for all. Yet as she struggled to open the door Steve spoke only two words to her.

Two words that would forever change her life.

“I’m sorry.”

[fantasticstoryteller]

New Amsterdam Chapter 35

Peter put the slime in a clear acrylic box before piping music into it. Maybe, if he adjusted the formula just a little bit, it could reconstitute after exploding. Maybe it could be made into some kind of new, flashy speaker. Something like a lava lamp, but better.

He needed to do something to take his mind off his conversation with Wade the night before. They were dating?! And Peter was the one who asked if they could! He couldn't believe he’d been so bold—but Wade had said yes.

And Peter had utterly destroyed the dinner he’d set out to cook, so they’d had to order food. He hadn’t even known that meatballs could explode. At least Wade was entertained. The other man had laughed so hard he’d almost retched into his mask. So—a maybe win?

“Peter, what is that?” asked Dr. Stacey as she peered over his shoulder.

“Slime. It always explodes when the beat gets too fast, so I’m trying to make it pull itself back together.”

“Huh.” They watched as it vibrated quickly. “Is that what got me the other day?”

Peter ducked his head nervously. “It’s easy to clean.”

The slime in the box exploded, dripping down the ceiling and the sides. “Why don’t you try making it so that it doesn’t explode in the first place?” she asked thoughtfully.

“Because then it wouldn't be water soluble,” Peter explained.

“Huh.” He turned to see Dr. Stacey staring at the cube. “By the way, security let me know that you have visitors.”

“Wade?” Peter was confused. Usually Wade arrived at the entrance to the lab with security behind looking confused. He’d never known Wade to actually wait—anywhere, come to think of it.

“As long as he’s not getting blood in my lab, I don’t care.”

That sounded—really specific, and wasn’t a story Peter had heard before. Should he ask? Was it socially acceptable to ask? Was it better to pretend he hadn’t heard the comment?

“And your visitor is still waiting.” She sounded slightly upset.

“Right! Thanks, Dr. Stacey!” Peter hung his lab coat up and went to flee the lab.

“They’re in the first floor cafeteria!” Dr. Stacey called to him as he left.

He nodded briefly before heading to the elevator. He kept expecting his new ID not to work, or for the alarm to sound trumpeting that he was an intruder, or something like that. He was still surprised every time his ID worked.

The first floor cafeteria was where the general public could waltz in, gawk at the Tower, get something to eat, and then waltz back out again. It didn’t make sense for Wade, who always burst in on Peter while he was working, to politely inform security to ask for Peter. Not the least because, although he was usually manic and over-the-top with a Devil-may-care attitude, Wade was not fond of being in with the general public.

At no point during his conversation with Dr. Stacey did it occur to him that it might not be Wade waiting for him. Despite the fact that she’d said visitors and mentioned “them,” he thought he knew who would be there, in the cafeteria. He was surprised.

Pleasantly, though. He couldn't imagine what had brought them to the Tower, but he was always happy to see his friends. “Harry! MJ!” Peter called as he made his way over to the table they were sitting at. He wasn’t surprised that the table was getting covert glances from other employees. After all, Harry was the heir apparent to Oscorp. They smiled back at him while he took a seat at the table—which was laden with food from the cafeteria.

“Peter!” greeted Harry. He was paler than normal, and stayed in his seat. He was clearly having a bad day.

MJ jumped up and hugged him. “Hey,” she said fondly before ruffling his hair like the little brother she’d always seen him as.

“Hey,” said Peter shyly. He looked at Harry. “What brings the two of you here?”

“We heard about your semi-promotion,” Harry said. “Thought we’d come, congratulate you, and feed you lunch while we’re here.”

“So, have you made anything exciting?” asked MJ as she pushed some of the food towards Peter.

Peter absently ate as he explained about the slime. He didn’t talk about Dr. Stacey’s project, because he was pretty sure that was confidential information, but his slime was no such thing. He didn’t get into the technical terms of what he was doing, but explained the general broad strokes.

By the time he was finished the curiosity had worn off and their table was no longer under scrutiny. “What brings you two here?” he asked quietly.

Harry smiled. “You think we can’t just want to help you celebrate your promotion?” he teased. At Peter’s pointed look he sighed. “You’re right. We have news.” He reached over the table to grab MJ’s hand. “We’re going to be going to Paris.” He smiled at her before meeting Peter’s eyes with determination. “Permanently,” he added.

Permanently? Permanently meant— “Harry,” Peter started.

MJ reached over and grabbed one of Peter’s hands, getting his attention. “Peter,” she said softly, “I’m pregnant.”

For one bright, shining moment, Peter was thrilled. She was pregnant? His two friends in love were going to have a baby? That was awesome! Excellent! Exciting!

And then ice water flooded his veins as he stared at them numbly. If Norman knew—if he found out—

They nodded. “We wanted you to be the first to know,” Harry said.

“I—I—there are no words,” Peter admitted to his friends. They got up from the table, hugged him, and then they left and Peter stumbled off. There was a place in the stairwell that was isolated from the rest of it. Peter thought that maybe it had started out as being an entrance to a floor, but the idea was scrapped for some reason.

If Harry was going to Paris, he wouldn't be in range of his father’s phone. He wouldn't be able to receive the ten digit code that was keeping him alive. He would die. Harry would die.

Harry would die, so that his child would have a chance to live in peace without Norman breathing down its neck.

“Peter? What’s wrong?” Peter looked up and saw Wade, in full Deadpool costume, standing in front of him. He quickly sat down next to Peter and reached out to touch the smaller man’s back. “You okay?” he asked.

No. Nothing was okay. Peter wasn’t certain if anything would be okay again. He flung himself into Wade’s chest and just sobbed. All the tears he’d held back for years. Wade simply wrapped his arms around Peter, and let him cry.

When the sobs finally trailed off he found himself mostly in Wade’s lap, and not minding a bit. “What happened?” asked Wade. “Who do I need to kill?”

“It’s not something that can be fixed by killing someone,” Peter said softly, his voice scratchy from crying so hard.

“You don’t know that.”

“My best friend is going to die.” The statement came out flat, unemotional, almost like Peter didn’t care—but he did care. He only had two friends; Harry and MJ, and Harry was going to die. “And he’s going to die because his father’s a lying, manipulative, son-of-a-bitch who should have been drowned at birth!” snarled Peter.

“Okay. How?”

For the first time, since the beginning, Peter began to tell the story. “Harry was born with a weak heart,” Peter said softly. “We all knew it was a matter of time. Then, then Norman—Norman said he had an idea. It was experimental, and it might not work, but it was a product that his company was producing. So he put Harry under anesthesia and operated to give him this shiny new, experimental heart. That’s what he told us, after the fact.”

“So, he got a doctor to work on his kid?” hazarded Wade.

Peter chuckled darkly. “I don’t think there was a real doctor with him,” he said grimly. “See, the fake heart has a fatal flaw—if Norman doesn’t send the right ten-digit code after a certain amount of time—it stops working. Harry starts to die. It’s almost happened a few times,” Peter admitted thinking of the last time, of watching Norman casually pour himself a drink as his son gasped in pain after his heart almost stopped.

“Whoa.” Wade was silent for a moment as his hand made soothing circles on Peter’s back. “That’s why you didn’t want your own lab?” he hazarded.

Peter was slightly surprised that Wade knew about it. He didn’t think that would be the kind of thing that Deadpool would be interested in. “If Norman ordered me to use my position to sabotage something, I’d do it,” Peter said firmly, “to protect Harry.”

Wade was silent for a moment. “Okay,” he said after a moment. “I’m not normally an advocate of this sort of thing, but why didn’t you tell someone?”

“What good would that do?” asked Peter wearily.

“Well you—might be able to get help?” Wade sounded uncertain, unsure.

“There are only four people who know what happened to Harry. That would be Norman, Harry, MJ, and me. MJ is an actress with a budding fashion line. She has absolutely no scientific background, the lowest scores in science that was possible while still managing to graduate high school, and is known for being a little bit of drama queen. If she says anything, everyone will assume she’s making it up for attention.”

Peter paused, debating how to phrase the next part. “Then, there’s Harry. And Harry—isn’t much better. The only reason he passed high school at all was because I was tutoring him. Again, no scientific background and I seriously doubt there’s proof.

“Then there’s me. I have a scientific background, I have enough medical knowledge that I can prove what I know—but I work for Stark, Norman’s biggest competitor. If I say anything, Norman will just play the wounded bird, claim that I’ve been brainwashed by Stark, and do everything in his power to make Stark look like a rampaging egomaniac who desperately needs to have someone controlling him so that he doesn’t destroy the world.” Peter spread his hands. “There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing any of us can do. And Harry’s about to go overseas, to go and live in a country that Norman has no intention of ever visiting while he waits to die.”

Wade hugged him closer as more tears leaked down his face. “Don’t you worry Petey-Pie, I know someone to talk to.” Peter looked at him in disbelief, and Wade chuckled. “Don’t worry; it’s not Stark.”

[for-fucks-sake-h]

As You Held Onto Me - Three

*a/n: Hello and welcome to part three! Sorry it’s so late, I’ve been hyping myself up to actually share it. This part in general is a lot, so I’m giving you fair warning now. I owe the biggest thank you to my loves @holy-wine-and-daydreams​ @she-guitar-solo​ @oh-honey-styles​​ @imethiminthemorning​ for all their love and support.    

CATCH UP ON PREVIOUS PARTS HERE

Rated: M, mature // Word Count: 8.8k 

Sometimes, love can feel like it’s everything. And sometimes, we hope it can be.

***

- Friday, November 25, 2014 -

“Harry,” you moaned from deep in your chest as your orgasm threatened to explode through your body.  

His face was tucked into your neck, abruptly pulling back to lean on his elbows and hover over you. His eyes were hooded with pleasure and his hips rolled into yours in perfect harmony with his grunts.  

“Yeah, come on.” He bit his lip as his nose brushed yours, his entire body pressed to yours as he fucked into you.  

You scratched your nails down his back until you could press crescent moons indents into his ass cheeks. He was radiating heat, sweat forming on both your foreheads. Your legs were wrapped around his thighs as a measly way to anchor yourself to him.  His mouth was hot on yours when he kissed you but breaking quickly as another moan escaped his throat.  

His hand traveled down from where it had found purchase squeezing your breast until he could wedge his palm between your bodies, fingers grazing over your clit.  His eyes roamed your face as he played you while his other hand cupped your neck.  

“Yes,” you moaned softly, the word getting caught in your throat.  

He grunted in response as his hips pounded harder until you were snapping your head back into the pillow and moaning out your orgasm. His pace became sloppy immediately in an attempt to hold himself off a few seconds longer, but failing as you spasmed around him.  

He dropped onto you, groaning into your neck while his hips sputtered at the end of his orgasm.  

You sunk further into the mattress that laid on the floor of your new apartment a mere 20 minutes prior.  Your and Harry’s limbs melted together as you came down, all the tension floating away with your orgasms.  

There was a thud from above you and then the distinct sound of a toddler’s screeching cry and a woman's voice yelling I told you to get down!    

Harry rolled off you with a grunt and a chuckle, “Gonna be you one day.”  

You slapped his shoulder as you laughed, dramatically rolling off the mattress and onto the floor before getting up to head to your bathroom.  

It was the first night in your new home -- a 550 square foot studio apartment that you and Harry could just barely afford together. He brought his queen size mattress from home and your parents let you have your dresser from home, and that was it.  

Your and Harry’s parents weren’t totally against you moving in together, but they weren’t exactly all for it either. You were young, and in the grand scheme of life, you hadn’t been together that long.      

But you knew Harry was it for you. And he knew you were it for him.  

So it was you and Harry and your sparsely decorated apartment’s first night together.  And you were beaming with happiness as you took in your messy hair and flushed cheeks as you washed your hands at your small pedestal sink.  

When you appeared in the doorway, Harry was sitting in the center of the mattress with a blanket over his lap and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his hand.

You smiled at your boyfriend as you climbed down next to him, tucking your cold feet under the blanket before taking the sandwich from his extended hand.  

“Happy?” He asked after you took a bite and passed it back to him.    

“Very,” you smiled as you tucked a curled piece of hair behind his ear and gave a small scratch to his scalp.  

He smiled before taking a bite of the sandwich and passing it back to you. He was quiet as he chewed, seemingly pondering something.  

“I know it’s not much,” he spoke after a beat, “But I promise I’ll work to give you everything you want. If you let me.”  

You smiled as he tugged on your heart strings while he gazed down at his knees. “You already do,” you stated simply.

He turned to you, a smile forming on his gorgeous mouth that made your skin tingle. He cupped one side of your face, pulling you in to slant his mouth over yours in a sweet kiss.  

He chucked his first two fingers under your chin when he pulled away. “Eat.”  

You did as you were told before passing the sandwich back to him for the last bite.  You were quiet as you listened to your new neighbors filter through your walls.  There was definitely a toddler, you already knew that.  But you also heard a newborn crying and another child that yelled so clearly about wanting to watch another episode.  

“Do you ever think about it?” He asked once you’d both laid back down, curled under your shared blanket, both of your heads resting on a pillow.  

You watched where you traced your finger along his jaw and over his lips. “Think about what?”  

“Having a family,” he spoke slowly.  

You ran your forefinger down the bridge of his nose while his rested steady on your hip. “Yeah, sometimes.”  

He was quiet as his fingers flexed on your hip. “Do you ever… think about it with me?”  

You looked up to his eyes to be met with him intently gazing back at you. His mouth was parted and his breathing was shallow as he waited for your response.  

“Of course I do,” you confirmed in a soft voice.  

You were both quiet for a moment before he continued. “I think about it a lot.”  

“You do?”

He shrugged sheepishly, “Yeah.”

“Since when?”

“A few months now,” he pushed your hair back off your shoulder before grazing his hot palm down your side to wrap around your back and pull you even closer.  “I definitely want a family with you.”  

“Now?” You asked with wide eyes.  

He laughed fully before quickly kissing your shocked mouth. “Not now. But when we’re ready. When it’s the right time for us.”  

“Oh,” you relaxed into him. “Yeah, I want that too.”

He smiled as he pulled you into him and kissed you slowly.  His mouth was sweet yet powerful. It took everything it gave and more. His tongue was sure as it grazed yours and his hands were strong as he held you. He made you feel safe in every aspect imaginable.  

And you willingly gave everything you had to him, as long as you could keep that feeling forever.  

***  

- Friday, September 6, 2019 -

You smiled at Harry when he glanced over at you, wind blowing into your open windows as his hand squeezed your thigh.  

You were eight weeks pregnant and excitedly headed to your first ultrasound. Since you’d gotten the news, you and Harry had been on such a high. You often talked about how you couldn’t believe it was finally happening, discussions of whether you thought it was a girl or boy, how you would share the news with your families. You made a framed picture with the words “Baby Styles arriving March 2020” in cursive lettering and bought a tiny pair of knitted slippers to display in a shadow box as an announcement.  

You were so completely and totally overjoyed you could barely keep the smile off your face.  

All the pain you’d been feeling, all the tension, all the blood tests and doctor’s visits and procedures were worth it for that feeling.    

You both had taken the day off with plans of going to your ultrasound and then heading upstate for a weekend getaway.  You’d woken up slowly, brisk sunlight beaming through your windows that carefully stirred you from sleep.  You made love to your husband, showered together, had breakfast together, and then headed to your appointment with bliss written all over your face.  

You both kept your smiles at bay in the waiting room, holding hands as you waited for your name to be called.  You couldn’t help but look at the other women in that room and wish you could tell them it would get better.  You hoped for them that it would get better.  

“Styles.”  

You took a deep breath as excited nerves overtook your system.  

The wait felt like an eternity once you were sitting on the exam bed with a paper sheet laid over your lap. Your knee bounced as you stole glances at your husband while he gnawed on his lip. When he felt you looking at him, he smiled before standing up to lean in and press a soft kiss to your mouth.  

A quick knock on the door had Steph, one of the nurse practitioners, entering the room with a smile.  

“Hi guys,” she greeted warmly. “How are we feeling?”  

“Good,” you and Harry said in unison before chuckling softly.  

“Good,” she laughed. “Okay I’m gonna have you lay back, love.”  

She leaned over you to grip the lever on the back of the bed to slowly lower you back. She grabbed the pillow that she had tucked under her arm and gingerly placed it behind your head before checking that you were comfortable.  

She spoke as she started to put a pair of gloves on. “Okay, you know the deal, relax your knees and scoot down to the edge.”  You did as instructed while she squirted a dollop of warm gel onto the top of the ultrasound probe. “We’ll find the heartbeat first and then take a few measurements. And I’ll try to get as many pictures for you as I can,” she smiled.  

“Thanks Steph,” you returned softly.

She’d been with you since the beginning and you’d developed an attachment to her that you couldn’t explain. She was there for every procedure and test and was nothing shy of amazing through your journey with that office. She really felt like your ally and you knew she had genuinely been rooting for you.  

She lifted the probe from it’s holder, “Alright mom, let’s see this baby.”    

Your heart fluttered as you smile over to Harry, reaching out to link your fingers together. All three of you were quiet as Steph found your little baby, cozy in the bottom left corner of your uterus.  

You waited as she clicked a few buttons on her computer as she moved the probe inside you to get a better angle.

Ten seconds.  

Thirty seconds.

A minute.

Your heart was beating wildly in your chest.

Steph clicked a few more buttons, another twist of the probe before clearing her throat.

“I’m- I’m so sorry.” Her tone and demeanor were so regretful that you already knew.

And it was as if your entire world stopped.  

You were completely silent as Harry asked questions on your behalf.  

Why did it happen? What could you do?  

Dr. Sobel came in to double check and confirm that your baby didn’t have a heartbeat.  His eyes were sad as he delivered the news to you and your husband.  

You sat in a daze as Harry asked him the same questions that he’d already asked Steph. There was talk about something called a D&C, somehow it would be less painful then letting it happen naturally. You found yourself agreeing without even really listening. Scheduling an appointment for a few days later, Harry adding the date to his calendar. Apologies and pitiful eyes looked back at you from every person you had to speak to.  

You couldn’t get out of that office fast enough. You were silent as you walked back to your car, emptier than ever.  

And as soon as you’d closed the car doors, you sobbed.

***

- Monday, September 9, 2019 -

A soft brush of your hair stirred you from sleep. The room was pitch black aside from the hallway light that shone through your open bedroom door.  You blinked as Harry came into focus, perched on the edge of your bed as he pet your hair.  

“I have some soup for you,” he whispered.  

You buried your face into the pillow in response. It was late, you could tell by the silence outside.  You’d slept on and off all day, for three days straight. When you were awake, you cried. You cried until you couldn’t breathe and then forced yourself back to sleep.  

“Come on, love. It’s almost 11, can’t eat anything after this.”  

You didn’t move. You barely ate anything the last few days, a few bites of whatever food Harry would bring to you and plead with you to eat. Hunger was the last thing you felt.

As if you could possibly feel anything apart from the gut wrenching pain.    

Your D&C was the following morning. A surgery in which your doctor would scrape your uterus clear and would most likely feel like a continuous scrape to your heart.    

“A couple bites for me love, please.”  

His voice was sad, his tone a quiet beg. You brushed your nose across your pillow as tears burned your closed eyes.  You sat up slowly, scooting back to lean against your headboard.  

Harry lifted the bowl from your night stand to carefully hand it to you. He watched you balance it on your knee as you took your first bite, a tear silently rolling down your cheek. He brushed it away with the pad of his thumb, his eyes steady on you with the ever present crease between his brows.    

Six spoonfuls and you were turning to put the half empty bowl back on your night stand.  You slouched down into bed, pulling your comforter up over your shoulder.

Harry was quiet as he watched you, his hands clasped together in his lap.  

“Can I join you?” He asked softly after a beat.  

You wordlessly slid over towards the center of the bed, pulling the comforter down to open a spot for him. He slid under the covers, the warmth you already created encasing him as he rested his head on the edge of his pillow.  You watched him through watery eyes as he solemnly gazed back at you.

The silence was deafening and yet you couldn’t even bring yourself to say anything.  

He looked so defeated. That was the first time you really looked at your husband’s tired eyes since the ultrasound. His heartbreak was written all over his face.  

His hand was tentative when he reached for you, slowly sliding over your waist as he moved closer until he could rest his forehead against yours. The soft cotton of his pants brushed your bare legs as he tangled your heavy limbs together. His fingers circled against your lower back while your hands rested against his chest in a ball.  

“I hate seeing you like this,” he choked quietly.  

You knew he was trying to keep it together for you, but his emotions were laced through every word he spoke.

He was hurting too.  

You wrapped your arms under his biceps, pressing yourself fully against his chest.  The contact had him choking down a cry immediately and pressing his face into your neck as he held you tighter.  

“I’m sorry,” you cried.  

He pulled his head from your neck quickly to look at you with wet cheeks. His palms firmly clasped on either side of your face. “Stop. Please, don’t.”  

You cried together, holding each other well into the night until you both passed out from exhaustion.  

***

- Friday, October 11, 2019 -

The past month had been one of the most difficult times in your life.  

You were silently mourning the loss of a child you never even got to meet.  You went to work, a place that used to take your mind off the things going on in your life, now not even capable of distracting you.

You thought about it constantly. It came in waves. You were desperately trying to go about your life, keep it together. Yet you still found yourself hiding in the bathroom as you cried into a wad of toilet paper. When the rush of sadness would come over you, you’d escape to anyplace you could be alone just so you could cry.  

You and Harry had been exceedingly gentle with each other. All and all, your home was as solemn as it could get.  

In the beginning, you often cried in the shower at night, a place where you could usually hide it from him. You thought if he didn’t see it, he wouldn’t be as affected by it. But he knew. Most times, he came and found you with your palms pressed to the wall as the water curtained your hair around your face. Nine times out of ten, he quietly undressed and slipped in behind you, turning you gently so that you could cry into his chest.  

As the days and weeks passed, there was always a dull pain just behind your eyes.  

You had your follow up appointment with Dr. Sobel that afternoon. He had called a week after your surgery to check on you and ask that you make an appointment with the office to see him to go over your options, if you wanted them.  

If you were honest with yourself, you weren’t really sure. You and Harry hadn’t really talked about it. You hadn’t really talked about anything.  

“Babe?” You heard Harry’s voice echoed through the house as he closed the back door.  

He rounded the corner into the kitchen to find you screwing the lid onto a thermal coffee mug before silently extending it to him. You knew your husband and the afternoon coffee pick-me-ups that he enjoyed.  

His smile was small as he took the mug and leaned in to press a soft kiss to your cheek. “You ready?”  

You nodded, grabbing your own travel mug off the counter and linking your fingers with his.

***

“I know it sounds like a long shot. But, it’s the only thing I’ve considered that would give us some explanation as to why you weren’t getting pregnant and also why you miscarried.”  

“But, no one in my family has any autoimmune disorders,” you shook your head as you looked across Dr. Sobel’s desk.  

“I know, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t need to be passed down. It’s actually very rare and not usually hereditary,” he explained.  

Harry was quiet beside you; your fingers linked together as Dr. Sobel explained his reasoning.  

Antiphospholipid syndrome.  

It was a big, scary word with an even scarier description.  Dr. Sobel explained it as an autoimmune disorder that’s main symptons were, one, being prone to blood clots and two, the possibility of miscarriage.  

“But… I’ve never had a blood clot.”  

“I know, but you see, there are rare cases when the disorder is only present during pregnancy. You could have been clotting early on and we would have never known.”  

You looked over at Harry, skeptical. It sounded like a stretch and just one more thing that would end up disappointing you.  

Harry turned back to Dr. Sobel.  “So, what’s your suggestion?”

“It will only take a blood test to know if I’m right. And you don’t have to decide anything right away.”  

“Well, what if I have it?” You asked, squeezing Harry’s hand tighter.  

“If you do, I would set you up with a Hematologist to go over everything in detail. But typically, you would take an injectable blood thinner throughout your pregnancy.”  

“A shot?” Harry asked wearily.  

Dr. Sobel nodded, “It sounds scary, but really the needle is very small, and usually shot in the belly or hips. You can do it for her or she could even give it to herself.”  

You were overwhelmbed. Harry was overwhelmed, you could tell just by looking at him and the way he held your hand firmly in his grip.  Of course Dr. Sobel didn’t think it sounded that intense, he was used to things like this.  But it was a lot. An injection every single day? That would be a long nine months.    

“I know it’s still fresh,” Dr. Sobel eased. “Maybe take some time to think about it. Or just do the blood test and we’ll go from there. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”  

Harry’s eyes were already on yours when you turned to him, waiting to see your reaction.

“I guess we could do a blood test. It would probably be good for me to know either way, right?”  

You justified your reasoning out loud, even though it was mainly for yourself.

***

Your drive home was familiar; deja vu running rapidly through your mind. You’d had the same type of drive home time and time again from that office, with uncertainty engraved in every corner of your mind.  

“How’re you feeling?” Harry asked after a while.  

“Overwhelmed?” You replied in a questioning tone.  

“Yeah, me too.”  

You were both quiet again for a few red lights, contemplating the options you could possibly have depending on your blood work results.  

“I really don’t know if I can do it again, Harry.”  You spoke after a while. “If we try again, and it doesn’t work out… I don’t know if I can handle it.” Tears sprung to your eyes. “That might... really break me,” you chuckled sadly, as if you weren’t already broken.  

“I know, baby.”  He reached out to pet the back of your head before he slipped his warm fingers under your hair to rest at the back of your neck. “Let’s just see what happens. You don’t have to decide anything yet.”  

You gazed over at your husband, his jaw ticking as he drove through your quiet neighborhood.  He flashed the smallest smile at you before pulling into your driveway. It was the first time that you’d felt anything aside from pain when you looked at him.  As much as he told you it wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t help but feel like you let him down. But deep down, you knew they were your own feelings that you were projecting onto him.  

In reality, he’d been the rock that kept you from sinking. He was good to you; there whenever or however you needed him. Especially when it would have been so much easier for him to be weak.  

You slipped off your shoes and dropped your bag on the bench at your back door, Harry following close behind to place his own shoes next to yours.  

“I’m gonna go take a shower,” you spoke over your shoulder as you headed towards your stairwell.  

You could feel him watching you before he answered in a low voice. “Oh, okay love.”

“Wanna come with me?”  You turned around to look at him from the bottom step, watching the way his features relaxed before nodding.  

He silently followed you up to your ensuite and watched from where he leaned against the doorway as you turned the shower on and adjusted the temperature. You liked it scolding hot despite your sensitive skin. If you didn’t feel like the day was burned off you, what was the point?  

You glanced over your shoulder at Harry with a small smile before dropping your clothes in a pile at your feet to step between the steamed glass.  You walked directly into the water, strong pellets hitting your face and hair.  You quickly felt your anxiety start to dissipate as the hot water soothed your skin.  

Minutes passed before you turned around and pushed your hair away from your face.  Harry was still leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed against his chest as he silently observed you.

You could make out the slight scowl on his face through the fogged glass.  You couldn’t blame him.  It had been an intense day and you didn’t exactly make any effort to comfort him before this. A shower was the first branch that you extended in a long, long time.  

“H, come on,” you pled softly.  

His eyes fluttered momentarily before he was stepping into the bathroom and pulling his shirt over his head. You watched him undress and warmth pooled in your stomach as you waited for him to join you.  

He slid the glass door open, cold air prickling your skin while he stepped inside before sliding it closed again.  He just stood in front of you, unmoving. His eyes were on yours, irises blown out with bags under his eyes.

Your heart ached as you looked back at him. How could someone you love so much feel like a stranger?  

You slowly reached your hand out to him, your fingers carefully grazing the skin of his chest. He sucked in a deep breath when you flattened your palm over the center of his chest.  You reached for his heart, both physically and emotionally.  

It felt like hours had passed before one of his hands reached for you. The tips of his fingers grazed your hip so softly that it almost tickled. His fingers splayed out over your wet skin before his grip tightened.  

And then he was stepping forward, his other hand coming up to the back of your head as he pressed his body to yours.

You pressed your face into his chest, breathing him in as you wrapped your arms around his waist. You could feel his hair falling onto your forehead as the water rushed over you.  His body was cold to the touch at first but quickly warmed into yours and the hot water.  You weren’t even sure how long you stood like that, with your arms wrapped tightly around each other.    

“I’m sorry,” you whispered into his neck after a while.  

His palm soothingly ran up and down the center of your back. “I wish you would stop apologizing to me,” he murmured into your hair. “You didn’t do anything.”  

“I shut you out,” you reasoned. “I know I did that.”  

He was quiet, not disagreeing with you like he always had before.  His hands still stroked over your skin as his temple rested against the top of your head.  

“I’m sorry I did that to you.” Your lips grazed his collarbone as you spoke. “It’s not fair.”  

He pulled you closer, exhaling deeply before he spoke. “You didn’t have to, you know. I wanna be there for you.”  

“I know,” you whispered before pulling your head back to look at him.  

He turned you so that his back was to the water, effectively blocking it from your face so that he could look at you. One of his hands came up to cup the side of your face, his thumb stroking over your cheek.  

“I’m sorry,” you repeated again as your nose brushed his.  

He sighed. “I know, baby.”  

You looked up at him, taking in his wet lashes and the way his hair curled and clung to the sides of his face.  

When you leaned in to brush your lips over his, he stayed completely still. You waited for him to pull away, but when he didn’t, you eased that half an inch closer so that you could kiss his bottom lip.  

His hand flexed on the back of your neck and his breathing was the tiniest bit shaky when you leaned your forehead against his. But he pulled you in again, slotting his mouth over yours in a gentle kiss. His lips were soft and timid, his tongue barely teasing along your bottom lip.  

You slowly slid your hand down his back and around his hip. When your fingers grazed his length, he tensed. You went completely still before you looked up to meet his eyes.  

“Love,” he eased tenderly, petting his fingertips along your jaw.  

Your heart sank at the thought of him rejecting you.    

He shook his head slightly as he stammered.  “We don’t-- You-- You don’t--” 

“--I want to,” you interrupted. “I want to. I promise.”  

You wrapped your fingers around his length and admired the way his lashes fluttered.  He twitched in your hand, slowly beginning to fatten up. You brushed your nose along his before smoothing your mouth over his soft lips.  You played with the wet hair at the base of his scalp and stroked him so slowly that heat balled in the bottom of your stomach.  

“I want to,” you whispered against his parted lips.  His breathing was shallow and his eyelids were struggling to stay open. “I’ve felt… awful. I wanna feel something else. With you.” He swallowed thickly at your words and the way your thumb teased over his tip. “Make me feel something else, Harry. Please.”  

He looked at you for a solid five seconds before he was surging forward.  Your back hit the cold tiles and you gasped into his mouth as he pressed himself against you.  

He sucked a kiss from your bottom lip, and then your top lip, and then your bottom again. His tongue was strong when it fleetingly passed yours. He broke away with a low moan when you stroked him again, his mouth falling open as his forehead rested on yours. His hands found purchase on your waist, fingers digging into your skin as your hand moved over him.  

You watched his face when he pulled his head back. His mouth hung open and his eyebrows were furrowed in pleasure. You pumped him slowly, savoring the look on his face.  

“Shit,” he breathed up to the ceiling before quickly turning the water off.  

His hands gripped your face, pulling you into his waiting mouth before he was stumbling out of the shower.  He wrapped his arms around you so fast that he practically dragged you out of the shower, immediately walking you back in the direction of your bedroom. His mouth didn’t leave yours as you blindly walked through the doorway and into your bed, falling together across your sheets.  

He was everywhere. His hands roamed across your prickling skin and his body pressed you down into the soaked mattress. His mouth was greedy as he pulled hot kisses from your lips. You raked your fingers through his wet hair and pulled him in as close as possible.

“I missed you,” you gasped as you pulled away from his mouth with your head tilted back.  

He kissed your chin and down the column of your throat, sucking lightly on your collar bone as his hands traveled down your sides.  “I missed you,” he repeated the sentiment with a sucking kiss just below your ear.  

He slotted his legs between yours, pulling one up over his hip by the back of your knee to spread you open for him. Every inch of his torso was pressed to yours. His skin was almost unbearably warm and he was heavy on top of you, but you welcomed it so fully that tears burned behind your eyes.  

You tugged on his hair when he kissed down your throat and across your chest.  His tongue lapped over your nipple first before he sucked the pebbled bud into his hot mouth with a low moan. The vibration had your hips jerking towards him on their own accord.  His length was heavy between your legs and the thought of feeling him like that again had your skin burning.

He kissed down the center of your torso, licking and sucking as he went.  He paused when he got to the lowest part of your stomach, just below your belly button.  You lifted your head to already find him peering up at you.  Your fingers were still tangled in his hair, nails scratching lightly when your eyes connected.  

His eyes fell closed as he placed the most delicate kiss to the skin of your belly.  His lips grazed your skin, hot breath hovered over you before he leaned in and kissed the spot again.    

“I love you,” he whispered up to you, his eyes steady on yours as he placed a kiss to your belly for a third time.  

Your eyes pooled with tears, a small smile forming on your lips. You cupped his face, scratching your nails behind his ear as you murmured, “I love you too.”  

He was gentle as he snaked his arms under your thighs until he could grip his fingers on your inner thighs to pull your legs apart more.  Your eyes fluttered as you watched him lean in, his hot breath cascading over you and sending chills across your skin.  He rubbed your thighs soothingly, his eyes on yours the whole time.  Until he just barely licked his tongue out, trailing the tip over your pulsing clit.  

Your mouth fell open at the contact, and his eyebrows furrowed deeply as he softly glided his tongue over you.  You moaned when he licked into you fully, your head falling back to the mattress as he suctioned his lips to you and rolled his tongue over and over again.  Heat spread from his mouth throughout your entire body.  He took his time, flicking his eyes up to face every so often to watch the way your mouth opened silently before a moan would finally escape.

His hand covered yours in his hair, squeezing tightly over yours to prompt your fist to close. Thick strands stuck out between each of your fingers as you tugged on his roots, immediately earning a rough moan into your core.

“Fuck,” you breathed out with a broken moan, lifting your head once more.  

His eyes were closed, eyebrows still furrowed in pleasure as he smoothed his tongue over your entrance before plunging into you.  His moans mixed with yours before pulling his tongue back up to your clit, circling slowly but so deliberately that you vision became spotty for a moment.  

His eyes were practically black when they flicked up to you, his mouth steady as he licked over your clit at a torturous rate.  He blinked slowly as he eased his middle finger into you.  He pulled off of you as his eyes fell down to watch the way his finger disappeared inside you, only two steady pumps until he was adding another.      

You moan was thick and practically trapped in your throat as you head fell back to the bed.  You could feel him looking up at you as he lowered his mouth to your clit once more.  It took three slow licks and simultaneous pumps to having your orgasm rushing through you.  

Your grip in his hair was so tight you would have convinced yourself he’d lose some of it, if you had any awareness of anything other than his mouth and fingers bringing you over the edge.  Your hips spasmed with it and your breathing was ragged as you moaned out your release.  

He kissed up your body so quickly, moaning deeply when he slanted his mouth over yours. His lips were sultry as your taste invaded your senses, his tongue forceful when he licked into your mouth. He was rapid with desire, it poured out of his soul directly into yours.  

“God, I’m so hard for you,” he moaned against your mouth.  

One of his hands cupped your neck as the other reached down to grip the outside of your thigh roughly.

“I wanna feel you,” you whispered with an exhaled breath.  

“Feel,” he urged, pushing his hips into yours. “You make me so fucking hard… every time.” His length rested between your folds, heavy and rock solid, pressing deliciously against your clit.  His mouth encased yours again, hot and heavy.  He caught your bottom lip between his teeth, pulling away slightly before releasing it, just to go back in to suck again with his plush lips.

“I love you so much,” you murmured against his mouth.    

He kissed you slowly, savoring your taste as he rolled his hips into yours.  A spark of pleasure rolled up your spine as his length smoothed over your clit.  He moaned low from the back of his throat as his hands framed your face. “I love you,” he whispered with another roll of his hips.  

The pit of your stomach burned with arousal as he kissed you again. He kissed you for so long you felt like your head could float away from the rest of your body.  But he kept you there with him with every pulse of his hips.  Every roll had his length grazing your clit and sent sparks across your skin.  

His mouth broke from yours with a low moan. “Want me like this?”  

You hummed as you pushed back the bit of hair that had fallen across his forehead before you kissed him again.  “Let me fuck you,” you whispered against his lips.  

He groaned deeply as he rolled onto his back with his arms wrapped tightly around you, taking you with him.  You didn’t lose any contact with him from the position changed, your entire body still flushed to his.  You kissed his bottom lip before sitting up and sliding down his thighs the tiniest bit.  

His cock slapped up to his stomach, his eyes intent on whatever you were doing.  

“Touch yourself,” you instructed quietly.  

His hand immediately took hold of his length, pumping slowly from base to tip. Your hand fell between your thighs, two fingers circling slowly as you watched him stroke himself. His eyes were heavy as they flicked back and forth between your hand and face.  

“God, I want you so bad,” he growled low in his throat.  

You leaned down to press a hot kiss to the side of his stomach, and then his hip.  “Keep going,” you murmured, eyes flicking up to his face before your tongue just barely teased over his tip.  

“Fuck,” he moaned as his head tipped back and his hips pulsed up. “Don’t make me wait,” he groaned deeply when you sat back up. “Come on, fuck me.” 

You watched as he continued to stroke himself as he babbled.  His hand twisted every so often and his tip leaked the tiniest bit of precum. His stomach was tense and the hand not stroking was clasped tightly just above your knee.  

The hand on his cock fell away as soon as you started to crawl up his body. You smothered yourself over him, chests pressed together tightly. You pushed your fingers through his hair as he trailed his fingers down your spine. And then you kissed his puffy lips as you reached down to guide him into you.  

Your mouths fell open together as you slowly sunk onto his thick length.  You eased onto him, inch by inch.  Your breathing was ragged as you took him, your core pulsing around him from the fullness. It had been long enough that you had to go slow. Not that you minded. You liked feeling every inch of him consume you.  

His hands gripped your hips, and then your waist, and then your breasts, and then smoothed back down your sides to wrap around your hips and press into your lower back. Everywhere he touched felt like fire.  

“So good for me,” he encouraged against your mouth, kissing softly when he could.  

You pumped yourself on him slowly until your mound met his pelvis, holding still with him fully inside you. You swallowed a moan when you clenched around him while Harry panted softly at the feel. His hands slid back up your body once more until he could cup your face and pull your mouth to his.  

“Go on,” he whispered his encouragement into your waiting mouth.  

You rolled your hips slowly over his, moaning softly as he hit different angles.  He cupped your face firmly between his palms as his mouth fell open with a groan. “That’s it,” he hummed.  

“Shit,” you whispered.  

“So good,” he sighed. “Feel so good on me.”  

You found your pace -- a slow, deep roll of your hips that had you fully sitting on him with every thrust.  You could feel the way his hips flexed towards yours with every drop, keen on giving you every inch he had.  

You couldn’t get enough. You needed all of him. It felt like you couldn’t get close enough, deep enough, full enough.  You gripped the back of his hand but quickly twisted to link your fingers together, and then did the same with the other.  You pressed both your hands into the mattress above his head and he groaned at the way you pinned him down.  

Your hips picked up a steady pump as you hovered your mouth over his and squeezed your fingers in his.  

“Fuck, I love you,” he moaned, lifting his head to press his mouth to yours.

You moaned into the kiss before repeating I love you, I love you, I love you against his lips. Your sentiment was whispered with every thrust and had his eyes squeezing shut as he groaned.  His fingers squeezed yours with every drop of your hips, satisfaction running through you because you were the cause of his pleasure.  He got like that with you, because of you. It was overwhelming and made your chest feel tight with emotion.

It should always be like that.  

“God, don’t stop,” he begged softly.  

Your skin erupted in goosebumps. You were hot, yet chills ran down your spine. Heat swirled in your stomach in time with the swirl of your hips, a steady rocking that had your mouth hanging open in pleasure.  

He whimpered to hold back a moan. “I wanna make you come again.”  

You leaned in, pressing your nose to his chin to tilt his head back before sucking a spot on the side of his neck. “Make up your mind,” you whispered into his pulse.  

His chuckle was deep and mixed with a small moan that only urged you to suck the spot again.

“I do. I wanna make you come.” He whined deep in his throat as you dropped your hips on his the tiniest bit harder. “Wanna feel you come,” his voice lowered. “I wanna,” his hips flexed up with his words, “be so deep that all I feel is you.”  

You cupped his chin in your palm as you pressed your mouth to his.  You dropped your hips on his again, holding him deep inside you as you kissed him. 

“That deep?” You whispered against his mouth, not waiting for his response before you kissed him again.  

His hands squeezed your waist before he arched his hips up the tiniest bit more, tasting the moan you exhaled.  

He held you steady as he murmured, “Deeper.”  

Your hands were in his hair, tugging harshly as you pulled kiss after kiss from his eager mouth.  You moaned when you abruptly lifted your hips off his completely before falling over beside him.

He hummed as he rolled over to clamber on top of you, easing between your legs as he held himself up on his forearms. His nose brushed yours when he reached down, stroking himself twice before he was teasing his tip through your folds and easing back inside you.  

His first few pumps were always slow, as if he was trying to savor that feeling of first entering you. But he found his rhythm quickly as he dropped his hips harshly into yours. Your hands stayed in his hair, tugging ruthlessly as he fucked you.      

His moans were deep and present even when he kissed you. One of his hands squeezed your breast briefly before it smoothed down your body until he could grip the back of your thigh. He hiked it up his hip roughly, fingers digging so firmly that it nearly hurt.  

You were desperately trying to keep your eyes open, to watch his face and see the way the pleasure overtook him. But every thrust was more lethal than the last and constantly had your lashes fluttering.  

“Touch yourself.”  He repeated your words back to you with a grunt.  

And you couldn’t help but whimper when you reach down to tease your fingers over your clit.

“Oh my god,” you breathed as your forehead creased with pleasure.  

“That’s it,” he pumped his hips harder. “Come on. I want it.”  

It. Your impending orgasm that he was desperately trying to feel.  

His slick forehead hit yours first before his mouth found your lips, sucking harshly on your bottom lip as his hips staggered.  

“Make me come,” you breathed. His hips pumped harder immediately as he whined in the back of his throat. “Please,” you moaned weakly, “Please make me come.”  

“Fuck,” he groaned as he dug his nails into your thigh.  

“Right there,” you mumbled.  

He yanked his head back to watch your face as he pistoned his hips into the same spot over and over again.  

And then your mouth was falling open in a silent cry and your core was spasming as your orgasm exploded in your stomach and raked throughout your entire body.  

“Yeah, that’s it.” Harry’s groans were so deep that you felt like they vibrated through your own chest.  

His hips didn’t slow or falter, fucking you at the same rate for as long as he possibly could.  Until his own orgasm pulsed through his body and rope after rope of his release coated you.  He panted and moaned with every pump until his body finally gave out on him and he collapsed on top of you.  

His back was wet -- from the shower or his sweat, you weren’t sure.  But you scratched your nails up and down the length of him and rubbed your palms into his shoulder blades until your arms got tired.  

He turned to roll off you, but quickly wrapped his arms around your waist to pull you into him. One of his hands reached up to smooth over your hair and across your cheek as he leaned in to kiss you.  

“We should probably actually finish the shower now,” he murmured into your mouth.  

You smiled against his lips, “Probably.”  

Neither of you made any effort to untangle your legs or stop from stroking your fingers against each other's skin.  His eyes were flicking across your face; your nose, your mouth, your eyes. The same pattern over and over again.  

“Don’t…” he hesitated as he cupped your jaw in his palm. “Don’t leave me like that again, okay?”  

Your heart sunk in your chest at his words and the quiet tone of his voice.  

“I won’t,” you reassured.  

“I need you,” his voice wavered slightly. “And I want you to need me too.”  

“I do,” you pushed your hand into the back of his hair. “I do need you, Harry. So much.”  

He blinked softly before pushing his forehead to yours. “I know you have your own way of dealing with shit. I just wanna be there for you.”  

“I’m sorry I shut you out,” you whispered.  

“It’s okay,” he pulled his head back and softly traced his fingers across your lips, “Stop apologizing.”  

You pulled him until his mouth met yours, kissing him softly as he wound his arms around you, hoping you could keep your promise.    

***

- Saturday, October 5, 2019 -

You were sat at your kitchen counter with your mug of coffee warming your palm as Harry scrambled eggs.  

It was as domestic of a Saturday morning as you could get. You’d woken up with the sun as it slowly started to peak through your blinds. Harry pulled you closer as he tucked his face into your hair, breathing you in slowly as he started to come to.  

He had been gentle with you throughout the week, but still held true to your conversation of being more open. And you were holding up your end of the bargain. The truth was, you weren’t sure how you were feeling. A big part of you still felt like there was a pit in your stomach and a gauge in your heart.  

You stopped into the office during the week for the blood work you’d discussed with Dr. Sobel.  It would probably take a few days for the results to be processed, so you and Harry were in the midst of a waiting game yet again.  

The difference was that you were waiting together. You weren’t locking yourself away, or withdrawing yourself as much as humanly possible.  If you were worrying about it, you expressed it.  And Harry listened with an open heart, just like he always did.  

You were finally starting to get to a better place in your marriage. For so long, you and Harry had been tip toeing around each other.  Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always being let down month after month.  It was exhausting for you and it was exhausting for your marriage. So you really weren’t sure if you wanted to go through it again with the potential outcome you’d already endured.  

Harry pulled you from your thoughts when he turned towards you to scoop some eggs from the pan onto your plate.  

“You okay?”  

“I’m worrying,” you replied sheepishly.  “I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over again.”  

“You’re trying to process everything. It’s a lot,” he shrugged.  

“I just wanna know. I think it would push me to decide what I want.”  

“Well I don’t want you to be pushed. I want you to take as much time as you need,” Harry shook his head, his brow furrowed deeply.

You nodded before going quiet as he put the pan in the sink and came around the counter to sit next to you.

“Would you be heartbroken if I didn’t want to try again?” Your voice was timid as you looked down at your plate.

“No,” he answered quickly. “There are other ways to have a family.”  

You nodded again, pushing your food around your plate.  

He sighed as he turned his body towards you so he could wrap one of his arms around the back of your chair. “Hey,” he ran the backs of his fingers along your arm. “I can’t decide it for you, baby. You gotta… want to put your body through it again. I don’t want you to do it for me.”  

“I know,” you whispered.

You reached up to cup his jaw, softly stroking your thumb across his skin. He leaned in to press a sweet kiss to your lips before turning back to his plate.

You knew he was right.  As much as you wanted someone to tell you what to do, just so that you could stop thinking and worrying about it, you had to get to that decision on your own.

You ate the rest of your breakfast, your conversation relaxing quickly into your normal banter. It was nice when you could have some moments when your mind wasn’t torturing you.

The rest of your morning was low key, cleaning up around the house while Harry got your grocery list together before he tackled the mess that was your pantry.

By mid afternoon you were laying on the couch, your head in Harry’s lap as you both read your respective books. You felt more relaxed then you had in a long time. And even when you let yourself think about the future, you didn’t feel like hives could cover your entire body at any given moment.

The low chime of your phone ringing came from where it was sitting on the coffee table. You sat up from Harry’s lap, laying your book open to hold your place before grabbing it.

Doctor Sobel  

You gave Harry an apprehensive look once he read the contact, answering just before it went to voicemail.

“Hello?”

“Hello Mrs. Styles. It’s Doctor Sobel. Are you busy?”

“Um, no. No, not at all.”

“Great. Your test results just came across my desk so I figured I’d reach out.”

You mouthed test results to Harry before putting Dr. Sobel on speaker.

“Okay, great.”  

“So unfortunately, you do have the blood disorder. We tested for seven different antibodies and every one came back positive.”

You let out a deep breath as you glanced at Harry, his brows furrowed in concern.

“Okay so what does that mean?”

“Well, you’re going to want to see a hematologist regardless of the route you take with infertility.  I can recommend a few for you.”  

“Okay. Yes, thank you.”

“And with regards to your infertility, I’m fairly certain this caused you to miscarry.”  

You sucked in a breath as you frowned. “Fairly certain?”

“Unfortunately, there’s no definite way to know. But your results tell me that it’s very likely.”  

You nodded as an overwhelming cloud of doubt came over your mind.

After a few beats Dr. Sobel went on. “I’m going to have Steph email you the hematologists I recommend. Take the earliest appointment that’s available.”  

“How worried should I be?” You spoke anxiously.

“I don’t want you to worry. This can be managed very easily. But you do need to see someone and stay on top of it, especially as you get older.”  

“Okay, I’ll get the next appointment,” you agreed as your heart beat wildly in your ears.

“Good. And take your time deciding if you want to move forward with another IUI. I understand it’s a big decision. We will be here if or when you are ready.”  

“Okay. Thank you for letting me know.”  

You said your goodbyes and hung up with shaky hands, immediately being pulled into Harry’s arms as you quietly cried.

***

I know, I told you it was a lot! Regardless, as always, I would love to hear your thoughts so please come talk to me. Thank you for reading! xxx 

- PART FOUR -

[abraxos-is-toothless]

Undercover- Throne of Glass AU (1)

This was meant to go up Friday but my new laptop turned up late, and from now on the schedule should be a Thursday/Friday.

Warnings: Swearing and brief mentions of violence. I’ll update these as the story progresses.

Prologue.

Full Masterlist.

—————

Aelin couldn’t help but grin from as she watched her family bicker amongst themselves. They were in the house they all used for small gatherings including family dinner and movie night or for when they were waiting for new recruits to arrive, such as now.  She was sat at the edge of the room in her window seat where she could see every exit and could have her eyes on every person in the room. Manon and Dorian were sparring in the middle of the room, neither one of them managing to keep the other down for very long before they were at each other’s throats once more.

Aedion and Lysandra were curled up on the loveseat together, the dark haired girl giggling at whatever her cousin had just whispered in her ear, which in turn made Aelin want to smile and gag at the same time. Elide was cleaning her gun as she sat on the floor between Ren’s legs as he braided the girls hair. And last but not least, Chaol was currently fussing over a pregnant Yrene who would bat his hands away and kept threatening to poison him if he didn’t stop.

The last group of muscle they had hired turned out to be undercovers that Aedion convinced her should be left alive, unfortunately, not to mention that they were absolutely fucking useless considering their backgrounds. This time around, Aelin allowed Elide to do the search because the girl was not only capable of killing a man twice her size in under a minute; she was also the biggest nerd and hacker amongst them. Her second in command had pulled through, and when she came to Aelin a few days ago to show her the files, she was told she could have whatever new knives she wanted for such an amazing find. The smaller girl had grinned that awful grin which even terrified Manon sometimes.

Everyone was on alert in a second at the sound of the doorbell and had moved into place by time it had stopped ringing through the house. Aelin was now seated behind her desk with her feet up and hands folded across her stomach.

Celaena Sardothien was present now.

The others were spread about the room, her cousin to her right and Elide to her left, while Lysandra went to greet the new recruits. It would have been Yrene once upon a time, but Celaena refused to let her when she told everyone about the baby. That was their one rule. You do not harm a child. And the gods fucking help you if you do.

Lys came back into the room and wiggled her brows at Celaena before moving to stand beside Ren at the back as five very tall, tanned and muscled men came through just behind her. The first to enter was the man she knew to be one Rowan Whitehorn, sporting an incredibly bored look, much like his second. Lorcan Salvaterre was right on his heels, followed closely by the rest of this little band of misfits. The twins, Fenrys and Connall, she remembered, were the only one with smiles on their faces. Mischievous was a correct description. Vaughan was quiet and looked quite shy on the outside, but she knew he was calculating and planning as he scanned the room and the people inside of it. The last to enter was Gavriel. She hadn’t noticed before, you can’t ever see things in photos, but as he stood before her now in the flesh, there was a familiarity about him that she couldn’t place exactly.

Celaena smirked, making an obvious show of looking them up and down as she spoke, “Gentlemen, welcome. It’s so lovely to finally meet you all.”

They all gave a short bow of their heads with a muttered “Miss Sardothien”.

Manon snorted at that and was promptly glared at when it didn’t go unnoticed by the men before her. The witch rolled her eyes and went back to looking at her nails as if she was entirely uninterested, yet she was the complete opposite.

“Please boys, ignore the formalities. You may call me Celaena,” each of them were clearly about to nod once more but she continued before they could, “if you can survive one little test.”

oOoOo

Rowan was now regretting this whole assignment. Sardothien was an entitled brat that clearly thought this whole thing was a god damned game. She was nineteen years old and had somehow inherited Rhoe Galathynius' empire. It would have made sense to go to Ashryver, being one of the only living relatives Rhoe had left. The whole thing was absurd if you asked him and he couldn’t wait until he and the Cadre had taken everything apart piece by piece.

He wouldn’t let her know how he felt so through gritted teeth he asked, “A test, Miss Sardothien?”

Celaena stood and walked around to the other side of her desk and leaned back against it, still smiling. Rowan didn’t think that he liked that smile which quite clearly said trouble was brewing.

“Yes Whitehorn, a test. Am I not allowed to test people who wish to work for me as I see fit?”

Fucking hell, if this carried on then the mission would be over faster than they expected because he had killed her. “Of course you are. I apologise if I made it sound otherwise.”

He received nothing other than a raised brow and quick once over.

Bitch.

“As I was saying before I was interrupted, if you pass this little test, you’re all hired. If not, well, you won’t be suited here.”

Holding back an eye roll at something as childish as a test, he conceded, “What test ma’am?”

“See how polite this one is Havilliard, why have you never called me ‘ma’am’?” she called out to one Dorian Havilliard, who Rowan knew to be Celaena’s mercy killer. He had the unfortunate job of killing one of their members if any of their injuries were too severe to treat. No matter what business they may be in, he felt for the man and hoped he’d never have to do such a thing for one of his own. He banished the thought when he heard Dorian scoff before her Royal Highness continued.

“If your second here can last at least five minutes in a sparring match against my own second, we have a deal.”

Lorcan, ever one to prove he was better than most, agreed before Rowan could say anything and that time he did roll his eyes.

“Done.” He sneered as he turned to the right of the woman to face Aedion and beckoned for him to come forward. Within seconds of that display the whole room began laughing and more importantly, Blackbeak full on cackled as she noticed their shocked faces. He realised why when a strong feminine voice full of mockery and laughter said;

“I’m over here sweetheart.”

He turned to see Elide Lochan in all her tiny glory, giving his second a smile that even sent shivers down his own spine. There wasn’t much about her in the file they had, just that she was an excellent techy and had disposed of her own Uncle after he tried to sell her off into some underground prostitution ring over in France. No wonder she was second in command when she was so inconspicuous. He should have guessed.

Rowan had barely any time to process the information before she moved faster than he could blink, landing a powerful left hook to Lorcan’s jaw which resulted in his ass meeting the floor.

oOoOo

Having a woman hand him his ass should not have turned Lorcan on, but by the gods it did.

She was a feisty little fireball and Lorcan hadn’t had such a tiring workout since that day six years ago when Whitehorn had nearly killed him and beat him black and blue. He had been an angry, hateful mess after the accident and no one could out last that icy rage for very long. So he had endured it full force until the silver haired had broken down in his arms.

Sardothien did indeed call time after what were a very long five minutes and the two of them were left panting and sweaty in the middle of the room, gazes locked. Lorcan wished it was a different activity that had left them that way.

Enough Salvaterre, you’re here to take them down. No fucking the enemy.

“I’m impressed. Nobody ever lasts even two against Elide, not even the Wolf over there.” The bitch queen jerked her thumb over her shoulder to where Ashryver was standing, who simply flipped her off. Many would have been killed by their bosses for such behaviour, but apparently everything worked differently here.

This was going to be difficult.

“Ren you shit stain, show them to their rooms. You’ll be on the first floor along with Manon, Dorian, Lys and Aedion. They’re very loud lovers so I hope you brought ear plugs with you.” She said it with a smile and wiggled her fingers in goodbye as they were ushered out of the room by a man with a scar on his face. Just before the door closed, Lorcan saw the swagger facade drop as Celaena fussed over her second, worry written on her face as she turned the dark haired woman’s face this way and that way.

Each individual room was pointed out to them by Ren as they passed, he didn’t look too happy to be given the job though. The twins were in the room closest to the stairs, next to them was Vaughan and Gavriel and then himself on his own followed by Rowan’s own closest to the next flight of stairs up. They stopped outside of Rowan’s room before they were allowed to disperse and were given a few ground rules as if they were dogs.

“Boss says you can use the ground floor as you wish; watch a movie, read a book or whatever. You are not to go up to the second floor with permission from Lochan or the Boss herself. Most of us have our own houses so we won’t all be here twenty for hours. The only permanent ones for now will be the Boss, Lochan, the Westfalls and myself. Any questions?”

They all shook their heads which was apparently deemed acceptable.

“Good. Take the day to get yourselves situated; we’re all having dinner at seven, if you can call it that. Don’t be late.”

He nodded before disappearing back down the stairs and Rowan addressed them now that they were alone.

“Get unpacked and sorted.  I want you mingling to your heart’s content tonight, the faster they trust us, the faster their empire falls. Understood?”

They each murmured a “Yes Sir” before walking back to their own respective rooms and Fenrys and Connall went to the stairs to go get their bags from the car. Just before he could turn the handle to his room, he stopped when Rowan spoke again, all seriousness and a stern look.

“Oh and Lorcan? Keep your fucking dick out of tiny, short tempered ladies please. I will not allow us to fail because your hormones led you astray.”

Vaughan chuckled under his breath while Gavriel just shook his head, the twins already out of hearing distance, thank fuck.

A woman had never messed with his morals before and he certainly wasn’t going to let such a thing happen this time.

Not now and not ever.

—————

I hope you like my baby Badass Elide and Horny Lorcan;) If you want to be added/removed from the tags just give me a shout!!

Tags: @bryaxisthefaceofnightmares @fancyclodpaintercookie @empress-sei @acourtofterrasenandvelaris @tswaney17 @queen-of-glass @thesirenwashere @awkward-avocado-s @b00kworm @http-itsrebecca @eatmysandwiches @poisonous00 @flowersinvegas @julemmaes @mu-si-ca-l @spyofthenightcourt @sis-it-dont-add-up

[ibelieveinharrystyles]

Chapter Four: Little One

Forever? Masterlist

I hope you are enjoying the series so far! this part is a little bit shorter than the others :)

“I’ve done something really stupid.”

“That’s not like you Styles.” Ashley replied, chucking another tube of pringles into her trolley, part of the many essentials she had been sent out to get for the office, “You haven’t gone back to Kendall again have you?” 

“No, it’s not that,” Harry sighed.

“”Well then what is it?” she asked, grabbing several bags of chocolate off of the top shelf.

“I don’t think I can tell you over the phone.”

“It can’t be that bad H, I’m the queen of doing stupid things, I got pregnant on a one night stand remember.” She reminded him.

“I’ll have to show you, can I meet you at work before the scan instead? that way we can drive and you don’t have to get the tube.” Ashley had asked Harry to come with her because if for some reason she was going to face receiving bad news, she couldn’t bear the thought of facing it alone.

“Fine! this better be good Harold.”

Carrying heavy bags of shopping up three flights of stairs was never exactly easy but being twenty two weeks pregnant, Ashley found it even more difficult, so luckily for her Roman was also returning at the same time as her, “I saw Harry the other day.” He told her as the two of them made their way to the little kitchen in the corner of the office.

“Oh yeah? How was he?” She asked, munching on a handful of chocolate buttons.

“He seemed happy, he couldn’t stop talking about you and the baby, he said he’s looking forward to being an uncle.” Roman told her, helping himself to some of Ashley’s chocolate buttons as they placed the carrier bags down on the counter.

“Trust me, I know, he keeps asking if I need anything, he’s coming to the scan later too.”

“He’s not the dad is he?” Roman asked.

“Fuck, no, that would be weird, we’ve known eachother for years, we’ve always looked out for each other, speaking of which, I better make a move, he’ll be here soon.” 

“Well I hope it goes well.” Roman smiled as she left the office.

“What’s with the hat?” Ashley asked as she climbed into Harry’s car, “that's what you couldn’t tell me over the phone isnt it?”

“Please don’t laugh.”

“I’m sure its fine Haz.” She pulled that hat off of Harry’s head, revealing his new, shorter haircut.

“It’s bad isn’t it?” Harry sighed.

“No, I like iit, besides you can’t play a world war two soldier looking like the Rapunzel of the music industry.” She replied.

“Anyway, how are you?” He asked, driving the car out of the car park and onto the main roads of London.

“I’m alright, work’s going well at the moment, I sent Matt a message about the baby, Niall gave  me his number, but he says he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.” Ashley told him.

“Oh Ash, I’m so sorry, are you alright?” Harry asked, glancing towards Ashley as they stopped at the traffic lights.

“If anything I’m relieved, I didn’t want to have to fight him for custody.”

Ashley didn’t enjoy trips to the hospital, she had distinct memories of visiting them as a little girl when her dad was dying. The smell of hand sanitizer and the sound of various machines beeping reminded her of the weeks of her life she’d rather forget forever. “You okay?” Harry asked as they sat on the cold green plastic chairs of the waiting room, he knew exactly why Ashley was nervous, she had seen a lot of loss in hospitals and there was always a worry at the back of her mind that something could be wrong with the baby. Ashley felt bad for bringing Harry with her, he didn’t mind going, even with his dodgy beanie on she could tell people were looking at them both, recognising Harry and assuming that he was the father. 

“Ashley Hanson,” the midwife called, inviting her and Harry into the consultation room.

“How are you today lovely?” Deena, her midwife asked as Ashley hopped up on the bed. 

“Not bad, this one’s been moving about quite a bit,” she glanced over at Harry who stood awkwardly by the door, “You can sit down Harry, I’m sure Deena would rather you did to be honest.” He awkwardly shuffled over to the plastic stool beside the bed, “He’s the baby’s uncle, he’s new to all this.” Ashley explained.

“Well then shall we see how your little one’s getting one?” Deena asked, gesturing for Ashley to pull up her top to remove her perfectly round bump, after squeezing the cold gel onto it. Deena remained quiet for several seconds, the sort of quiet that increased Ashley’s anxiety. “I’m going to go and get Doctor Fitzgerald, I won’t be long.” Deena said before swiftly leaving the room.

“Why do they always do that? They know something’s wrong, but they don’t tell you what, it was the same with dad.” She began to tear up, thinking about the possibility of losing her baby.

“Hey, you can’t think like that,” Harry whispered, taking hold of her hand, and stroking her hair with his free one.

“Hi Ashley, I’m Doctor Fitzgerald, Deena has asked me to just check your scan, alright?” He explained as he made his way to the screen, “You were right Deena, Okay Ashley I don’t want you to be alarmed, your baby is a little bit smaller than we’d like it to be, what this means is that we will need to do scans more frequently, just to be sure everything’s developing as we’d like it to.” 

“So apart from that everything’s okay?” Ashley replied, her voice wavering due to nerves.

“As far as we can see, this shouldn’t lead to any further health complications, we just need to make sure baby gets as close to full term as possible. Now on a lighter note would you like to know what you’re having?” He asked.

“Yes please.” Ashley smiled.

“You’re having a little girl.” Dr Fitzgerald told her.

“A girl? Harry it’s a little girl.” she turned to her best friend who sat beside her, his eyes fixated on the screen, clutching Ashley’s hand in his.

“I’ll leave you to get cleaned up and then Deena will book you an appointment for two weeks time.” Dr Fitzgerald told her.

“What do you want to do now love?” Harry asked as the pair climbed back into his car.

“I’m scared H, I’m really scared.” She whispered, ignoring his question.

“Hey, love come here,” he turned to hold her hands in his, “You heard Dr Fitzgerald, she’s just a little bit smaller than usual, that doesn’t mean she won’t be healthy, you’ve got to stay strong for your sake and the baby’s alright?” he held her hands close to his lips kissing them softly, “I hate seeing you like this petal, is there anything I can do to make it better?” 

“I’m meeting your mum and Gem to go shopping in around two hours, so we can go for ice cream before that.” Ashley told him, cradling her bump.

“Do I get to come shopping?” He asked, fluttering his eyelashes to try and cheer her up.

“I’m not sure you’ll be of any use when it comes to breast pumps and maternity bras H.” She replied.

“Oh Ash you have no idea.”

Ashley and Harry found themselves at her favourite ice cream parlour, down a little street in Notting Hill. Ashley went for raspberry ripple, whilst Harry chose a pistachio ice cream, they found a table in the corner of the pastel decorated parlour, tucked away in a booth. “So when do you leave for filming?” 

“Next month, we’ll be in France for several months.” Harry explained.

“So you’ll have to meet the little lady when you get back.” 

“Or she might be so naturally tuned into the absence of her number one uncle that she waits for me to get back before she pops out.” Harry replied before Ashley took the spoon from her ice cream and wiped it across Harry’s face, shortly before he did the same. Any chance of their visit being kept under the radar was gone as the two of them laughed hysterically.

“Excuse me I’m really sorry to disturb you but could I get a picture please?” A teenage girl asked from beside their table, looking at the floor, clearly incredibly anxious.

“Of course!” Harry replied, wiping the ice cream from his face.

“I think I’ll head off H, I need to get to westfield.” Ashley told him.

“If you give me a couple of minutes I can drop you.” He insisted.

“Don’t be daft I’ll get the tube, it’ll be quicker that way anyway.” she assured him.

“Only if you’re sure.” he replied.

“Harry I’m twenty two weeks pregnant, I’m not about to keel over.” 

“Let me know you get there okay.” he wrapped an arm around her, kissing the top of her head before she disappeared into the busyness of central London.

“Hello love how are you?” Anne greeted Ashley as she arrived in mother care.

“I’m good, how are you both?” 

“We’re both well too, the train down from Holmes Chapel was a bit of a trek, your mum said to say hello.” Anne told her, “Anyway let’s get down to business, have you got a list?” 

“Yep.” Ashley replied, waving a piece of paper.

“So where do you want to start?” 

“In the girls section.” Ashley smiled.

“No way! congratulations!” Gemma huffed her, swaying her from side to side.

“I found out today, Harry came with me.” 

“That doesn’t surprise me.” Gemma replied as they browsed the shop, “He won’t stop going on about you and the baby, he’s taking being an uncle very seriously.” 

“I think he feels bad, Matt’s made it clear he doesn’t want anything to do with me or the baby, which doesn’t bother me, but Niall introduced me to him, so in some odd turn of events I think Harry blames himself.” 

“That’s Harry all over, he cares a lot about everyone.” Anne replied

“And that’s because he has such a wonderful mum like you to bring him up.”

[thebluemartini]

Far From the Shallow - Chapter 13 [Nessian Fic]

TITLE: Far From the Shallow SYNOPSIS: Post-ACOFAS. As part of a deal with Feyre, Nesta has agreed to live with Cassian in the Illyrian Mountains. However, shortly after her arrival, she receives the startling news that she’s pregnant from one of her one-night stands. While she tries to quickly get a grip on her life, Cassian’s determined to make her see that she’s not facing this alone.

FIC LENGTH: Multi-chapter (Total Chapter Estimate: 14)

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7 / Chapter 8 / Chapter 9 / Chapter 10 / Chapter 11 / Chapter 12

TAGGING: @bohemiandreams27 @queenofillea1 @trash-for-nessian @nestaarcheronwillkillme @my-fan-side @strangeenemy @maastrash @cageddovepoetry @bybooksanddreams @lilbat90 @ritamordio19 @mastercommandercaptain @feysand-dot-acotar @archeron-queen @welcometothespeaknowworldtour @empress-ofbloodshed @there-is-warmth-in-winter @mybbyfeyre @saltydreamcollector @justlikethecheshirecat @mis-lil-red @supebowlere @monstrousloves-explodinggalaxies @sezkins79 @everything-that-i-love @hashtolanashoba @lord-douglas-the-third @rhysandsdarlingfeyre @hikari274 @acotar-and-tog-for-life @ellenoftroy @ink-nibs @highlordofthenightcourttrash @sesquipedalian-aficionado @tintinnabulary

*This chapter is also posted on AO3 and FF.

A/N: My deepest apologies - it took 3 weeks to post a new chapter instead of the usual 2! Sighhh. Unfortunately, that's what happens when you lose a weekend of writing time when you go out of town! So thank goodness you weren't left on a cliffhanger?

This chapter is either the longest or the second longest one, so I hope that makes up for the wait! Also, just want to say this fic is keeping its T rating :)

________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER 13: June/July

June

For the remaining weeks of May, Cassian managed to return to Velaris every night with the help of Rhys and Feyre. It was in June, however, that Cassian was unable to keep to that routine, with Rhys’ and Feyre’s lack of availability some nights, and Cassian’s schedule to meet and train with all the Illyrian camps growing more rigorous.

It was early one morning at the beginning of June when Nesta was bidding him goodbye that she told him it wasn’t necessary for him to come back each night, saying that the training with the camps had clearly been taking its toll on him and he’d needed to get sufficient rest each night instead of being awoken by Dahlia’s cries throughout. She also expressed that while she enjoyed sleeping beside him, her and Dahlia didn’t even get to really see him or spend time with him.

Reluctantly, Cassian listened to her but not being able to sleep beside Nesta plus constantly fearing he would miss significant milestones in Dahlia’s life didn’t exactly improve his sleeping habits.

But he never let a week pass without him visiting them for one full day. And on those days, he’d relish in being with Nesta as they cuddled with Dahlia, bathed her, fed her, burped her, read to her, and played with her. He of course would also flap his own wings around to amuse her.

And as he did so, Nesta would give him a look that told him there was no way he could take her flying with him.

(At least not yet.)

It was the anticipation of those special days each week that got him through his time in the mountains. On those days, he’d feel like he needed to pinch himself to ensure it wasn’t just a dream. 

But it was all real. He finally had a family to come home to and a place where he belonged.

________________________________________________________________

Nesta missed the feeling of Cassian’s hands wrapped around her each night. She’d grown so used to it when he slept beside her each night of May.

But she had noticed the weariness in his eyes. Toward the end of the month, he had started arriving at Rhys and Feyre’s estate later and later, mostly after she had put Dahlia in her crib and she herself had gone to bed. It would be an hour or so later that she would sense the mattress sink in beside her and feel the press of his lips against her temple and an arm snake around her waist.

And then before dawn, he’d be awake, ready for Rhys to winnow him away. But it was a rule between them, that no matter how “peaceful” she may have looked, he would always wake her up to say goodbye.

Before he left Velaris to return to Illyria for the first time after the birth, Cassian was always the first to get up during the night whenever Dahlia cried. But during his visits after his return to Illyria, he would often be so exhausted that sometimes he didn’t even stir at the sound of her cries.

Nesta certainly wasn’t upset about it. She knew how badly he wanted to be there for both of them. One night, when he discovered Nesta was awake to soothe Dahlia, he apologized profusely for not hearing Dahlia awake and insisted he take over in cuddling with her so Nesta could go back to sleep, but Nesta wouldn’t have it.

She felt worried about him. His talk of what was going on at the camps was very limited, but she knew he was likely overworking himself in an effort to make Illyria a safe place for them to live as a family.

So, as gently as she could, she told him it wasn’t necessary for him to visit each night, especially since they didn’t really get to spend time with each other. Plus, she didn’t mind waking in the middle of the night to calm Dahlia since her sisters helped so much with Dahlia during the day, giving Nesta plenty of time to nap and remain fairly well-rested.

It took Cassian a little while before he very reluctantly agreed to follow her wishes. But a day never went by without them sending at least one message to each other. And every week, he would come to the estate and spend a full day with them… Those days were the ones she treasured the most.

But right now, she really wished Cassian was with them for the night.

Because Dahlia, for some reason, refused to stop crying.

Her wails were especially loud, and holding and rocking her did nothing to soothe her at all. Nesta tried sitting in the rocking chair with her, reading to her, bouncing her up and down, feeding her, and walking around the room as she held her, but absolutely nothing was working.

This had never happened before. Sure, there were some nights where Dahlia cried quite a bit, but eventually she would calm down. This was the longest she’d ever cried.

And Nesta couldn’t help but feel that Cassian would know what to do. He could probably flap his wings and that would be enough for Dahlia. She always seemed to become quiet sooner whenever it was Cassian who tended to her.

But she couldn’t bother him with this. He was probably deep in sleep anyway.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her bedroom door before it swung open to reveal the sleepy faces of Elain and Feyre.

“Is everything all right?” Elain asked before yawning.

“I can’t get her to stop,” Nesta expressed helplessly as she rocked Dahlia in her arms.

“Here, let me try holding her,” Feyre said with outstretched hands.

Nesta stepped away from Feyre, as if to hold the baby away from her. It was instinctual for her to not want to lose control of a situation.

But she quickly realized what she’d done and moved back near her sister, carefully handing Dahlia to her.

Feyre cradled Dahlia in her arms and attempted to gently hush her as she glided around the room. Her and Elain watched them, and upon noticing no change in Dahlia’s cries, Elain turned to face Nesta.

“Maybe we should get Cassian?” she suggested. “She always seems to cry less when he’s around.”

It was true. When Cassian was around, not only did Nesta feel happier, but even Dahlia seemed to be more content as well.

“It’s the middle of the night,” Nesta protested. “He doesn’t need to be bothered by this.”

“But Nesta, I think he would want to be bothered by this,” Elain replied.

But he already had so much on his plate… What more could be done anyway that hadn’t already been tried?

“I don’t think - ”

“I’ll get him,” Feyre cut in as she stopped in front of Elain and handed Dahlia to her.

Before Nesta could even object, Feyre vanished, having winnowed away.

Nesta sighed. What could possibly be causing Dahlia to cry this much?

Within a matter of minutes, Feyre appeared with Cassian in tow. His eyes found Nesta’s immediately, as they always did whenever he was winnowed to the estate whenever she wasn’t sleeping. He strode toward her and grasped her hand to squeeze it in greeting. He knew she wasn’t fond of public displays of affection. To her, their relationship was something special between only them. While her sisters, Rhys, Azriel, and Amren were well-aware of their relationship, she relished in the privacy of their love.

So his kisses for her were saved for when they were alone or in front of only Dahlia.

“What’s wrong, my baby girl?” Cassian asked as he turned toward Elain and took Dahlia from her arms. First, he lifted her up with his hands beneath her underarms. Bouncing her a bit, Cassian flapped his wings as he did so. But the wing flapping did not have their usual effect. Dahlia’s cries did not stop.

Cassian stared at her in concern before bringing her to his chest, letting her head rest against his shoulder. He looked over at Nesta. 

“How long has she been crying?”

“For over an hour,” Nesta answered, and Cassian’s eyes widened.

He swayed his body back and forth as he started rubbing Dahlia’s back. But as he did so, his hand suddenly paused its motion and he looked curiously down at Dahlia. He moved over to the crib to lay her down and started pulling off her clothing.

“What are you doing?” Nesta calmly inquired out of curiosity.

Once Dahlia’s clothing was removed, he picked her up again and laid her head against his shoulder. As he looked down at her back, Nesta looked as well and gasped along with her sisters.

On her back were two long black strips of raised skin.

“I think she’s growing wings,” Cassian explained.

Nesta felt frozen in shock. “But I thought you said she wouldn’t have wings?”

“All Illyrians I know have had wings since the day they were born,” he said. “I’ve never seen this before.”

Nesta’s mind was racing. She didn’t plan for this. How was she supposed to handle this?

“So the wings are hurting her? That’s why she’s crying?”

Cassian nodded. “I think so. We need to send for Madja. She’ll have the proper oil to rub along her back to soothe her.”

“I’m on it,” Feyre piped in before vanishing.

“Poor thing,” Elain remarked.

Nesta just stared at Dahlia, feeling awful for her, knowing her baby was in pain. She wished she could take it away from her. She stepped closer to Cassian and grabbed Dahlia’s hand. “I’m sorry, my angel,” she whispered in the midst of the wailing.

It was at least ten minutes before Feyre and a very sleepy Madja appeared. The healer took Dahlia from Cassian’s arms and inspected the marks before holding her against her body and pulling out a vial from her pouch.

She started rubbing the oil from the vial on Dahlia’s back. “She is growing wings,” she confirmed, speaking loudly over Dahlia’s wailing.

“But the marks of the wings should have appeared right when she was born. Not when she’s one month old,” Cassian stated.

“I suspect they were delayed because of your fall,” Madja said with a pointed look to Nesta. “Her body must’ve been injured, and now her wings will be slower to develop.”

Worry flooded through Nesta. So there had been negative effects of her fall after all…who knew what other ways Dahlia could be affected?

Madja must’ve noticed the alarmed look on her face. “When I checked her last week, everything was fine. She is still perfectly healthy. No need to be concerned.”

Gradually, Dahlia’s cries softened. Once Madja had stopped rubbing oil onto her back, Nesta gathered her in her arms, and Cassian wrapped his arms around Nesta.

“Rub this on her back every twelve hours and she’ll be fine,” Madja instructed as she put her vial down on the nearby nightstand. “She’s just in pain from her wings growing.”

“Thank you,” Nesta whispered, trying not to hug Dahlia to tightly to her body for fear of hurting her back even more. Luckily, it seemed like she was falling asleep.

“I’ll come back in a few days to check on her,” Madja added before looking over at Feyre.

“I’ll take you back,” she said before grabbing Madja’s hand and winnowing out of the room.

Elain came up to Nesta and placed a soft kiss on Dahlia’s head, then looked up at Cassian. “Thank goodness you came,” she said before giving Nesta a pointed glance. “Goodnight,” she said before walking out of the room.

With Dahlia now sleeping soundly in her arms, Cassian removed his arms from Nesta’s body so he could easily lean down and plant a kiss on Dahlia’s head.

Nesta walked over to the crib, then lifted Dahlia up and gave her a kiss before gently laying her down to continue sleeping. “Goodnight, my angel,” she said quietly.

As soon as she turned away from the crib, Cassian captured her lips in a brief kiss. Whenever he came to visit, he always took the first opportunity when no one was around to kiss her...and it never failed to leave her breathless.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he whispered as he leaned his forehead down against hers.

“Hello,” she breathed. “Do you need to go back to Illyria tonight?” She wondered how long she would have with him.

“No, I’m cancelling everything scheduled for tomorrow to stay here with you and Dahlia,” he replied as he pulled away and grabbed her hand to lead her over to her bed.

“You didn’t need to do that,” she remarked as she followed him.

“Yes, I did. I’m in severe need of time with my favorite girls,” he said as she laid down on the bed. Cassian followed suit, laying with his chest up against her back and his arm around her waist.

“We just saw you three days ago,” Nesta pointed out.

“It’s never enough,” Cassian stated.

Nesta grabbed his hand that was wrapped around her and brought it up to her chest, hugging it and placing a kiss upon it. “I agree,” she whispered. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Feyre said you didn’t want to admit you needed me here. That it was Elain’s idea I should come.”

Nesta fought back the urge to sigh. Why did her sisters have to get involved with this?

“I figured you were sleeping. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“But being here for you and Dahlia is more important than that,” he noted seriously.

“You’ve already done so much for me,” she said. “I don’t expect you to do anything more for me.”

“But...I always want to be there for you. I would do everything for you if I could.”

“I know…but you have important duties to attend to. I don’t want to be a distraction.”

“Sweetheart, you are a welcome distraction,” he emphasized, and the whisper tickled her ear. “And if you ever need me for the slightest thing, I want you to tell me.”

Nesta released his hand and turned her body to face him. “But you need to focus on -”

“I need to focus on taking care of you and Dahlia,” he interrupted fervently.

She gazed into his hazel eyes as she placed a hand on his cheek. “You love me too much.”

“And you deserve every bit of it.”

She stroked his cheek with her thumb. The intense look he was giving her was always too much for her, making her come undone. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with you,” she mumbled with a tinge of amusement.

“I know what you should do,” Cassian said. “You should contact me whenever you need help.”

Nesta sighed again. “Well, thank the gods you did come tonight, or else I may have never known what was bothering Dahlia,” she remarked, and then her voice took on a very serious tone as she thought about what it would mean now that they knew Dahlia was growing wings. “Are you jealous?”

“Jealous?”

“That...she’s Illyrian and not...of your Illyrian blood,” she explained awkwardly as she brought her hand down to his chest. “I...used to sleep with Illyrians whenever you made me mad, just to spite you,” she admitted quietly.

He pushed the stray strands of hair out of her face and behind her ears. “Well, you successfully made me jealous back then when I found out about it. But that’s all in the past now. As for Dahlia’s wings, while I’ll always wish she were truly mine, I’m excited that I’ll get to teach her how to fly.”

Nesta smiled at the visual of him teaching their little girl how to fly one day. “I’m glad she’ll at least...kinda look like you by having Illyrian wings.”

Cassian stared off dreamily to her bedroom window as he caressed her side. “It will be nice to share that with her and teach her to fly. I’ve...been afraid because I’m away so much that she won’t really need me when she has you and your sisters.”

Nesta narrowed her eyes and placed her hand on his cheek again to force him to look directly at her. “What? That is ridiculous. Of course we need you. We both need you! You’ll teach her how to defend herself, how to be a leader, to be loyal and courageous, how to love others a completely ridiculous amount!”

“Well, I just wish you’d let me know whenever you need help with her, so I can truly feel like I’m a part of her life.”

“I will!” Nesta said in a panic, not realizing that Cassian had been feeling this way. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to feel that way at all.”

“I know,” he said gently. “I just...don’t want to be like my father.”

Nesta shook her head as she began stroking his cheek. “You are nothing like your father. You know this.”

Cassian sighed. “It just hurts to be away from both of you.”

“Which is proof that you aren’t like your father,” she stated. “You haven’t discarded us. You make it a priority to see us.”

Cassian shifted his gaze back to the window, seemingly deep in thought. Nesta used her forefinger to start tracing along his jawline, causing him to close his eyes. She figured he was just relishing in her touch, but she took it as her opportunity to lighten the mood.

“Are you going to sleep without giving me my goodnight kiss?” she whispered, unamused.

At this comment, Cassian’s eyes instantly opened to look at her. They held a glint of amusement - a sign she had accomplished her goal.

“My apologies, my love. Please forgive me,” he said quietly before bringing his head down to plant a slow kiss on her lips.

“I’m sorry I didn’t contact you the minute I needed you,” she said when they pulled away from each other. “Because I knew I needed you tonight. I always feel like I need you.”

“Likewise,” he said quietly as he ran his fingers through her hair and slid the ribbon out of it that had been holding it all together. “I just wish there was a better solution for this.”

Nesta probably wondered about this everyday, but Cassian needed to be in Illyria...and Dahlia couldn’t be in Illyria. Not yet at least. “We’ll make it work,” she replied. “In time, it will be better. But for now...just hold me.”

“Gladly,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer to him before they drifted off to sleep. 

________________________________________________________________

July

From her place among the grass in the garden of Rhys and Feyre’s estate, Nesta stared at Dahlia, who sat just out of arm’s reach of her. Behind Dahlia was a row of bright red dahlias, and there was one single dahlia in her hand. 

“You’re sitting right in front of the flowers I planted for you! They haven’t bloomed yet, but they’ll be a fiery red...bold like you.” Elain had told her, back in March on the day Nesta found out Cassian was her mate.

Nesta had no idea at the time that the flowers were dahlias. Even though Elain claimed she never saw the vision of the baby until that day in April, Nesta was convinced she must have seen something else that led her to plant the dahlias.

Nesta smiled at the craziness of it all. The fact that Elain felt the flower was bold like her, that Dahlia was the name of Cassian’s mother, and now her daughter shared the name. She chuckled at the sight of Dahlia currently tugging at the petals of the flower in her hands, attempting to pull them off.

Nesta looked to the side and saw Feyre behind an easel, swiping her paintbrush across the canvas and glancing every few seconds up at Dahlia as she painted. Her sister may have been an excellent painter, but Nesta wasn’t sure she’d be able to adequately capture the pure curiosity on Dahlia’s face.

She wished Cassian was here to see it.

At that moment, a piece of parchment appeared in the grass beside Nesta. Eagerly, she picked it up and read it.

My love, tell me your day isn’t as miserable as mine. (But then again, if I am not there with you, is it even possible for your day to be anything but miserable?)

Nesta rolled her eyes at Cassian’s cocky message but smiled as she wrote back her reply.

You’re ridiculous.

It only took a minute for his response to appear.

Ridiculously in love with you? You bet.

Nesta couldn’t help but roll her eyes again at his words. But, even though he tells her he loves her nearly everyday, part of her still felt her heart race upon reading his message. It still bewildered her that he could love her so greatly. 

 Why is your day so miserable?

 You and Dahlia aren’t here and the Illyrians are frustrating the hell out of me. I needed to write you to help me calm down and not think about it. So, if you’re not busy feeling like you can’t live without me, then what are you up to? 

 Watching Dahlia play with a flower outside as Feyre paints her portrait. 

 Feyre is painting her? 

 Yes, as she plays with a red dahlia.

 Is Feyre going to paint you as well? 

 No.

 Well she should paint a picture of you and Dahlia together so I can hang it here in the cabin. Maybe it could help me not miss you both so much…

Nesta looked glumly at the message. It certainly was difficult being apart most of the time. She was about to write back when Elain strolled across the garden toward her and sat beside her.

“Are you talking to Cassian?” she asked.

Nesta nodded in response.

“You two have never had time together - just the two of you - have you?” Elain inquired curiously.

Ever since she admitted she’d loved him, all their time together was spent with Dahlia. But she wondered what exactly Elain was getting at.

Nesta shook her head.

“You two deserve time alone together,” she remarked. “I’d be happy to watch Dahlia if you two ever want to spend time alone together.”

“Me too,” Feyre piped in without lifting her eyes from her work.

Every waking hour, Nesta was with Dahlia. She had a hard time envisioning even leaving her for a few hours. Would she be able to survive such separation?

Plus, leaving her in her sisters’ care...while things between them were certainly better, she still had her worries that they would take control of her and her daughter’s life.

She knew it would take a while for that fear to go away... if it ever completely would.

But the thought of spending some time alone with Cassian did sound pleasant. They never truly had gone out together.

“Thank you,” Nesta stated to her sisters. “I’ll let him know.” 

 Well, I think she should do a painting of our family -  all three of us - instead. And you’d have the pleasure of holding us for hours as Feyre paints us. 

 A brilliant idea, my love. 

 Another idea was just brought up by Feyre and Elain - they have offered to watch Dahlia if you and I want to spend time alone together. 

Another brilliant idea. 

 I’m only worried about leaving Dahlia. 

 That’s understandable, but she’ll be safe with your sisters. 

 But I’ve never been apart from her. 

 Which is why you are due for a short break. We can miss her together. 

 I do want to spend time with you...since we’re usually playing with Dahlia when you do visit, we hardly get to talk.

 Among other things…

 She blushed at what she knew was a playful innuendo. 

 Indeed. 

 Then how about we spend Saturday together? I’ll come to Illyria so I can see Dahlia and then we can go do something together. 

 Nesta pressed the tip of her pen to her chin as she thought about where she would like to go. 

 Could we go to your mother’s memorial?

 Well, I had more romantic ideas in mind, but of course we can, sweetheart. 

 Nesta smiled to herself.

 We could visit the memorial first, then do whatever you had in mind. 

 Hearing this idea has completely turned around my miserable day, my love. 

________________________________________________________________

When Nesta woke up on her own Saturday morning, she was shocked.

Since Dahlia was born, she never woke up on her own. Dahlia would always wake her up, crying to either be fed or wanting to be held. She woke her up a few times throughout the night, but this morning...there was nothing.

Alarmed, she sat up and got out of the bed and headed to the crib, where she found no sign of Dahlia, but a note lying in the bed prevented her from being sent into a panic.

We’re downstairs. -C&D

The message was in Cassian’s handwriting, which surprised her since it meant he was already here. She hadn’t expected him to arrive until later, but she immediately left her room and made her way down the staircase.

It was in the living room area where she found Dahlia, lying soundly in Elain’s arms as they sat on the couch. However, Cassian wasn’t around. 

When Elain saw her, she quickly stood up and handed Dahlia over to her. “I think she’s hungry,” Elain said with a smile. “Cassian is talking with Azriel and Rhys in the study.”

Nesta nodded as she wrapped her arms tightly around Dahlia and let her lay her head on her shoulder. “I didn’t even hear Cassian come in,” she remarked softly.

“I think he wanted to let you sleep for a bit,” Elain replied. “He said Dahlia was awake when he walked in, so he brought her down to sit with her for a little while.”

“You’re sure you don’t mind watching her today?” Nesta asked.

Elain shook her head. “I don’t mind at all. I’m excited to! I love her,” she stated as rubbed Dahlia’s back in between the spots where wings had started to grow. Wings hadn’t fully formed yet, but the dark raised skin had protruded even more in the last month.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Elain said. “Here, come sit down. I’ll get you some pillows.”

Since the birth, Elain had been a huge help to her and always doted on her. She had started to learn what Nesta needed before she even asked for it, such as now, with pillows set behind her as she sat on the couch and prepared for breastfeeding.

Once she fed Dahlia, Cassian still hadn’t appeared so Nesta left Dahlia in Elain’s care as she went back upstairs to change her clothes, style her hair, and freshen up.

When she was finished, she went back down the stairs. The closer she got to the living room, she could hear multiple voices speaking and recognized Cassian’s boisterous laughter.

When she walked in the room, she found Cassian sitting on the couch with Dahlia cradled in his arms.

Every time she saw Cassian with Dahlia, it made her swoon with joy.

Cassian’s eyes found hers instantly and he smiled more brightly. She wasn’t sure if it was simply because she hadn’t seen him in a week, but his gaze felt more intense than ever. Nesta grinned back at him as she went over to him and sat beside him.

It was then that she realized that Azriel, Rhys, Feyre, and Elain were all in the room, chatting away.

Cassian was big enough that he easily was able to cradle Dahlia in one arm. His free hand found Nesta’s and squeezed it tightly in greeting. “Good morning, my love.”

“Good morning,” she whispered back as she returned the squeeze. “You didn’t wake me up when you came in,” she gently reprimanded him.

“Good. That was the intention.”

Nesta stared at him, waiting for his explanation.

“I had just gone into your room to check on you two since I knew Rhys wanted to talk this morning,” he continued. “I wanted to let you both sleep...but then I saw Dahlia was awake and there was a bad smell coming from her. So I cleaned her up and just sat with her for a little bit. I wanted you to have time to rest.”

Nesta had wished he’d awoken her when he arrived, but ultimately, he was just looking out for her as always. She gave him a soft smile.

“What did Rhys have to say?” she inquired.

“It was just an update on the Night Court, Mor’s mission, Illyria, the Court of Nightmares...nothing crazy,” Cassian answered.

Mor…

With Mor being gone for a while, Nesta had nearly forgotten about her. She hadn’t been mentioned by anyone lately, yet she was someone who was close to Cassian and disliked her.

Did Cassian even let her know that they were together? Months ago, he had told Mor he of course wasn’t the father of her child, claiming Mor was sensitive to anything possibly coming in the way of their friendship. Would Mor always be trying to convince him to leave her? Or if he hadn’t told her yet, what would that mean?

Cassian’s thumb started rubbing hers, pulling her from her thoughts. “Are you ready to go now?” he eagerly wondered. “Although...it’s going to be hard to let go of her,” he added as he looked over at Dahlia.

“I know,” Nesta said sadly, looking over at Dahlia as well.

“Well, I think it’s time for you two to get going,” Feyre piped in as she approached them and reached for Dahlia.

After a short sigh, Cassian bent down to kiss Dahlia’s head and Nesta leaned over to kiss her too. Then Cassian finally relinquished her and handed her over to Feyre.

Feyre cradled Dahlia in her arms.

“You’re sure you’re fine with taking care of her today?” Nesta asked.

“Of course,” Feyre said and started to walk away from them.

Nesta must’ve had a concerned expression on her face as she thought about leaving Dahlia in her sisters’ care from the way Cassian was now looking at her. “You don’t need to worry,” he advised quietly while rubbing the back of her hand.

She took comfort in his reassuring gesture. She really shouldn’t be worrying...she wouldn’t be right at Dahlia’s side forever...

“Oh, do you need me to winnow you to wherever you’re going?” Feyre asked as she turned her head back at them from across the room.

Cassian kept his eyes on Nesta. “Should we winnow or fly?” he whispered.

She would much rather be carried and flown by him. The last time he had done so, she was going into labor and couldn’t enjoy it. Before then, they weren’t even together when she had flown with him. But she had to toy with him as always. “That depends...are you going to pretend to fall through the sky again?”

“As long as you keep your arms around me, sweetheart, we’ll be fine,” he answered quietly with a cheeky grin. “No, we’re going to fly, Feyre,” he called out to his High Lady.

Feyre nodded, then proceeded to bobble Dahlia up and down in her arms.

“Let’s go before we change our minds about leaving Dahlia,” Cassian said as he stood up and tugged Nesta’s arm to follow him. “Goodbye, everyone,” he called out without even looking at them. They shouted it back to them as Nesta allowed Cassian to lead her out of the estate.

As soon as they walked outside and Nesta shut the door behind her, Cassian’s lips crashed against hers. The force of his kiss was so strong that Nesta’s back was pushed against the door. Cassian brought his hands to the sides of her face as he kissed her deeper.

When he pulled away from her, Nesta had a hard time finding her balance again. Probably noticing her struggle, Cassian reached out to pick her up, with one arm behind her back and one behind her knees.

“I think that was one of the longest times I’ve ever had to wait to be alone with you to kiss you,” he remarked. “It was nearly unbearable.”

Despite relishing in his kiss and despite being the one who preferred the privacy of their relationship, her mind couldn’t help but drift back to Mor, wondering if she was even aware of this. Did Cassian keep it private from her? He’d never mentioned if he’d ever told her.

“Well, maybe if you woke me up when you arrived this morning, you could’ve kissed me immediately,” she pointed out with an irritable bite to her tone.

Cassian frowned. “Sweetheart, listen, I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t know it would be such a big deal to you,” he stated apologetically.  “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

She hated herself for getting so worked up about this. “Have you told Mor about us?” she asked quietly.

“Yes,” he answered without any hesitation. “I wrote to her and told her.”

“And how did she react?” Nesta asked, staring him in the eyes to see if they would tell her anything.

“Well, I first sent her a message about it when you weren’t speaking to me, telling her I was in love with you and that there was absolutely nothing she could say or do to change that. Then my other message said we were together, that I was the proud father of a beautiful daughter,  that I had finally found the home I was always looking for with my new family, and that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” he explained.

Nesta felt stupid, so incredibly stupid for letting her doubts nearly get to her. She finally brought her hands around his neck, tears surfacing in her eyes. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes, my love,” he replied with a smile. “I even told Rhys and Az the same thing this morning. So, while I don’t know if Mor’s happy about it, I do know she’s accepted it. You have nothing to worry about. I love you.”

“I know.”

“Well, I’m going to keep telling you until I know you believe it without a doubt,” he stated, squeezing her more tightly. “And even after that too so you’ll keep on believing it.”

“I love you, too,” she said. “I’m sorry for getting mad at you.”

“Well you could make it up to me…” he trailed off as he shifted his gaze to her lips.

Nesta gladly answered his request with a deep kiss.

When she pulled away, Cassian beamed and took them to the skies.  ________________________________________________________________

When they arrived on the mountain where Cassian was born hours later, the sky was cloudy.

It seemed to accurately reflect the mood in the air, however, since they remained silent after their landing. 

Once Cassian had gently put Nesta down, she strolled away from him to stand alone in front of the giant rock that served as a memorial to his mother and to her father.

Cassian hung back but still faced the stone, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes as he thought about his mother.

So much had occurred since the last time he and Nesta had visited this spot. The snap of the mating bond. Nesta kissing him for the first time. Going through the Blood Rite again. Almost losing Nesta and the baby. Proving to Nesta he loved her. The birth of the baby. Having a family…

Mother, when I was taken away from you, I thought I’d be alone my entire life. When Rhys’ mother took me in, I at least had someone to help take care of me. While I did consider them family, I still felt like I was missing something. I can’t describe it. But I assumed I would never find it because I was taken from you. We didn’t have enough time together.

When I got to know Nesta, I could see how resilient and fearless she was, and it couldn’t help but remind me of you. Her bold actions against the king of Hybern reminded me of the way you’d spat upon the boots of the Illyrian leaders. Then Nesta nearly died with me in the war and she was the only other person I had ever felt like I didn’t have enough time with.

But we were given another chance...and I almost wasted it. But you brought me back to her, mother. When she seemed so lost and alone in her pregnancy, all I saw was you in her and how you must’ve felt.

I love her, and I love her daughter just as much - your granddaughter who has been named after you.

I finally have the family that I had always been searching for, and I’ve never felt this happy.

I love you, mother. Thank you for leading me to her.

________________________________________________________________

Nesta took a deep breath as she faced the stone that had come to memorialize her father.

She could’ve asked Cassian to take her to her father’s actual memorial. The one that Feyre and Elain had established in Velaris. But that spot didn’t hold any significance for her.

This one did.

Since it was a spot made by the one who showed her it was safe to love fiercely and powerfully again.

Nesta closed her eyes.

Dahlia...thank you for your son. He may have been young when he was taken away from you, but I know you were the one who showed him how to love as he does. I hope you don’t mind that I named our daughter after you since she’s not of your bloodline, but Cassian considers her his daughter, and I feel like that would be enough for you.

Thank you.

She took another deep breath and crossed her arms across her chest.

Father…

Because of you, I never thought I’d be able to love again. Loving you had left me so hurt, so dejected, and so closed off from others. I felt I couldn’t trust anyone ever again. I felt like I was unworthy of love.

And when I saw you die, I completely fell apart. And do you know why? Because you had come to help us. After years of wishing you would do something, you finally did. In that brief moment, you gave me hope. I finally felt like I was truly seeing my father again for the first time in years.

But then you died, and I shattered. I wished you had never given me that hope. Because I was left with wondering why you decided to help then. If you loved me again. If you finally were yourself again. If we could have truly made amends.

If only we had more time.

Time with you became yet another thing this fae life robbed me of.

But I kept hating you. For all the pain you put me through. For how you must’ve treated Vassa to be a better father figure than her own father. For allowing me to have hope at the end of your life. For the fact that I was so hopeful upon seeing you after all the years you hurt me.

And for the fact that I turned out to be like you.

I shut Feyre out when you shut me out. Then after you died, I shut everyone out and lost myself...just like you did.

And then I was pregnant.

And all I could think was that I could not let myself be like you anymore. My child needed someone who would care for her always. No matter what. I did not want my child to experience what you put me through.

So in a way, I suppose I have you to thank for spurring me to pull out of my darkness…

Thank the gods Cassian was there to help.

It was because of you though that it took so long for me to accept his care and his love and to reciprocate it.

But now...now all finally feels right and the way it should be. I finally love freely again, the way I loved you when I was a little girl. And Cassian, who has seen me at my lowest point and suffered from my poor treatment of him then, is able to love me.

If he can still love me after seeing me lose myself, then...I can do it too.

Father, I will always wonder what could’ve been if you had survived the war. Since you showed up to save your daughters, I choose to hope we would have made amends.

I have been where you have been. I managed to survive in part because of you, and I feel I can finally forgive you now. I may never forget what you did, but I forgive you for it.

I love you, father.

She brushed a few stray tears off of her face. She was determined to no longer cry over him. The past was in the past. She needed to move on.

With a heavy breath, she turned around and found Cassian standing a few feet behind her, facing her. His expression seemed cautious. He tilted his head up to look at her, as if he was trying to gauge how she was feeling.

Nesta strode forward and enveloped her arms around him. As she buried her head into his chest, he tightly wound his arms around her. After placing a gentle kiss upon her temple, he rested his head on top of hers.

For the next few moments, they stood just like that, resting in the serenity of the silence and the comfort of each other’s arms.

Upon feeling drops of water fall onto their skin, Cassian looked up at the gloomy sky that was now covering them. “It looks like my plans for the day have been ruined,” he remarked.

Nesta pulled her head away from his chest. “What were you planning?”

“We were first going to head back to the cabin so I could make our dinner, then go to one of the other mountains for a romantic picnic and a romantic walk.”

The rain started falling faster now. “Don’t worry about it. Your cabin will be fine,” she said gently.

“It’s our cabin,” he corrected.

“Our cabin,” she agreed with a small smile.

Picking her up in his arms, he grinned at her. “Let’s go.”

________________________________________________________________

During the journey back to the cabin, the weather grew worse, with rolling thunder and lightning cracking across the sky as rain pelted down.

By the time Cassian landed on the platform outside their cabin, the two of them were completely drenched.

Still holding Nesta in his arms, Cassian fumbled for the door knob and turned it open. “I’m glad I don’t have to let go of you now,” he commented as the door creaked open and he stomped inside.

“Who gave you permission to act so brutish?” Nesta questioned him incredulously all while tightening her grip around his neck as he kicked the door shut behind him.

“Well I don’t hear you demanding me to put you down, sweetheart.”

Nesta couldn’t help but smile back at him as he stood in the entryway, holding her and staring at her as the water dripped off their skin and onto the floor.

There was that infamous look again. The one that left her breathless and mesmerized and pierced right through her, leaving her wondering how she could ever be on the receiving end of such a look. Yet this gaze seem to be more intense than ever before, as she could feel his overpowering love and his admiration. It was almost too much to take.

“Why do you look at me like that?” she wondered softly.

“Because I’m completely enamored and amazed by you. You thought you didn’t deserve me...but I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you,” he whispered.

She could feel the blush creep over her face, while her heart did somersaults. “I still don’t think I deserve you,” she stated honestly.

“Well, I think that is something we’ll have to forever agree to disagree on,” he remarked before leaning in to give her one more kiss. “Do you want to get changed while I make dinner?”

Nesta was quiet, deep in thought over how to make her next move.

Reaching her hands up the back of his head to tangle her fingers in his wet hair, she brought her face up to his to plant a passionate, lingering kiss upon his lips. Eagerly, he returned the kiss, which evolved into multiple kisses.

She tugged on his bottom lip with her teeth when she pulled away and moved her mouth to be up against his ear. “I’d rather you undress me,” she stated huskily.

Cassian’s breath stilled, and his mouth dropped open to speak, but Nesta quickly continued. “Cassian, if we…,” she trailed off, but she sensed he knew what she was referring to. “Does that mean I’ll have accepted the bond?”

His grip on her tightened even more. “No. You have to offer me food in order for the bond to be established,” he explained gently.

Nesta swallowed before speaking again. “I’m not...I’m not ready to accept it, but it has nothing to do with you. I - ”

“Nesta, I don’t want you to feel pressured to accept it,” he insisted. “After all you’ve been forced to go through, I don’t care if you never accept it. I only want to be loved by you.”

She reached up to caress his cheek. “And I want to be loved by you...in all ways,” she expressed as she stretched out her hand to run it ever so slowly across the edge of his wing.

“Nesta,” he moaned as he closed his eyes. Once she pulled her hand away, he opened his eyes again to find her deviously smiling. “Are you well enough to…”

“Madja told me it was fine,” she interrupted before she pressed a hungry kiss on his jaw and returned to tracing his wing with her finger.

Cassian hissed but was quick to respond to her actions. While locking his lips with hers, he managed to carry her down the hall into the bedroom that had been hers when she lived there, leaving behind a trail of water in their path.

Her crown braid is what he chose to remove first. When he planted her feet on the ground, he stood before her and shower her with open-mouthed kisses, swiping his tongue across hers as he tangled his fingers in her wet hair to leisurely untwist the braid.

Once that was finished, Nesta moved in the way she was familiar with - aggressive, fast, and forceful - as she yanked his tunic off of him and moved her hands to the waistband of his pants. This was how it went with all the other males she had slept with. She always held the control and was always desperate for the escape. So focused on the task at hand, she had subconsciously stopped returning Cassian’s kisses.

Before she could pull down his pants, Cassian abruptly halted his kisses and placed his hands on her upper arms. “Wait, sweetheart…” he murmured with his eyes closed as he leaned his forehead against hers. Nesta paused, lifting her eyes to look up at him and feeling confused as to why he was stopping her.

“Do you not want to…?” she began to hesitantly ask.

“No, no,” Cassian insisted as he opened his eyes and took heavy, deep breaths. “No, sweetheart, of course I want to. But...will you let me love you?”

“I thought that’s what we were doing,” she whispered.

He let out a slight chuckle before gazing at her tenderly. “I mean...will you let me take control?” he inquired as he rubbed his hands up and down her arms and gave her a quick peck on the lips. “And let me love you the way you deserve?”

Maybe it was because of the way his breath tickled her or maybe it was the words he just uttered, but Nesta felt her body tremble. “Yes,” she breathed.

Cassian kissed her slowly and deeply for a long moment, and then in a swift motion, twirled her body around so he was facing her back. Sweeping her hair over her shoulder, he pressed his lips to the nape of her neck as he unhurriedly set himself to the task of undoing the buttons of her dress. With every button he unbound, he bent down to put a kiss to her back, forming a trail of kisses along her spine that gave her chills.

Once all the buttons were loosed, he peeled off her dress that had been sticking to her skin due to the rain and let it fall to the ground. Now only in her undergarments, Nesta slipped off her shoes as she waited to see how much longer Cassian would prolong this.

Turning her to face him again, his lips captured hers as he picked her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist while she placed her palms against the sides of his face.

He laid her down on her back on the bed and appeared to briefly lose his tremendous patience as he tore off her undergarments so she now lay naked before him. 

Standing at the end of the bed, he kept his eyes locked on hers as he kicked off his boots and took off his pants. Then he kneeled down on the bed in between her legs and hovered over her, with his palms flat against the mattress at her sides.

As he looked into her eyes -  which she was sure reflected the burning passion she saw in his - she couldn’t help but shiver again from her anxiousness over what was about to happen...what was already happening. From his movements, from the way he kissed her and touched her, she knew this would be distinctly different from all the sex she’d had before.

He peppered her with kisses, starting at her navel, going up her chest and between her breasts until he reached her face. “I love you,” he whispered against her lips.

From then on, every touch from his rough, calloused hands struck her deeply and sent her heart thundering, matching the storm raging outside. Every whisper of sweet nothings was a delicate caress against her skin. Every kiss against her body burned her with its fervor, serving as an imprint of his adoration for her.

He made love to her slowly, wanting her to feel every ounce of his love so she could absolutely have no doubt about it. She couldn’t help but lose herself in him.

When they joined together, she could feel something within her desperately begging to be united with him completely. She was certain it was the surging power of the mating bond that resided inside her.

One day, she thought in response to the power’s pleas.

She would worry about that later. But for now, she just wanted to relish in this - this feeling that someone could love her passionately, completely, and irrevocably. 

________________________________________________________________

Afterwards, Nesta laid in bed beneath the sheets, cuddled up next to Cassian. His hulking and muscular figure surrounded her, and his arm rested across her waist. His eyes were closed but she knew he was still awake based on the fact that one of his fingers on his other hand was busy twirling a ringlet of her hair.

She took the opportunity to stare at him in an attempt to memorize him - every scar and every scratch etched by battle, every swirl of his Illyrian tattoos, every indent of his chest, and even every mark she gave him that night.

Her eyes wandered back up to his face. He seemed so peaceful and so content, which reflected her own feelings.

That evening he had loved her like no other. Just as she predicted, it was unlike anything she had experienced before. He cherished her, doing absolutely everything he could to please her.

She still had trouble believing it - the fact that this bold and loyal male who had been living for centuries could tremendously love a mere human-turned-fae who had tried so hard to shut people out and not feel a thing.

But now she felt everything.

She couldn’t stop the tears of bliss from forming in her eyes, and she couldn’t resist laying her palm flat against Cassian’s bare chest where his heart was beating for the assurance that this was all real.

His eyes blinked open at her touch. At the sight of her tears, he looked alarmed. “Nesta, did I hurt you?” he asked.

She vigorously shook her head back and forth. “No. Not at all.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replied with a slight laugh. “It’s just that...you love me.”

Cassian beamed. He moved his hand that had been at her waist up to her face to wipe away her tears. “You’ve said you already knew this.”

He then covered her hand on his chest with his own, rubbing it with his thumb.

“I thought I did, but I didn’t completely believe it until now.”

“I’m just that good in bed, huh?” he asked in jest.

Annoyed, Nesta reached for the pillow behind her and whacked Cassian with it. It wasn’t the fact that he was a good lover. It was more than that. “However, my love for you is now in question!”

Cassian couldn’t help but laugh, but when Nesta proceeded to wrap herself in the bedsheet and get up out of the bed, he groaned. “Nesta, my love, I’m sorry. It was just a joke. Come back here,” he requested.

Picking up her clothes and undergarments that had been abandoned on the floor earlier, she wandered over to the closet. Her dress was still wet from the rain, so it wouldn’t be ideal to put back on. But she recalled that when she’d left Illyria months ago after the attack, the clothes she had here had been left behind and she doubted Cassian threw them away.

“I’m hungry. You need to make us dinner,” she demanded as she opened the closet door.

“Well, I may be feeling too exhausted after tonight’s activity,” Cassian replied. She wasn’t looking at him but she knew he was smirking.

Peering into the closet, Nesta found the dresses she expected to find...but was shocked to discover that multiple tunics hung there too, as well as armor and even a few pairs of boots on the floor.

Stepping back out of the closet to look over at him lounging on the bed, she gave him a curious look. “Have you been using this room instead of your own?”

“Yes,” he answered. “It got to be too hard going up and down the stairs where that Illyrian hurt you,” he said through clenched teeth, reigning in his rage. But his tone quickly transitioned into a softer one. “Plus, here I can always be reminded of you. And now after tonight, it’ll give me even more memories of you,” he added slyly.

Nesta sighed at his comment but still, the way he desired to be reminded of her gave her butterflies. Stepping back into the closet, she slid on her undergarment and grabbed one of his tunics and put it over herself, dropping the bedsheet. The shirt was quite large and went down to her knees, but it smelled like him and brought her comfort.

Exiting the closet, she made to leave the bedroom and Cassian groaned out of irritation again.

“Come on, I told you I was hungry,” she instructed, pausing at the doorway to turn back to him.

Cassian reluctantly got up out of the bed, not even bothering to bring a bed sheet to cover himself. “Don’t you know what the sight of you in my shirt does to me?” he growled when he reached her.

Now it was her turn to look smug. “If only you didn’t tick me off a minute ago, then perhaps I would’ve indulged you.”

“My love,” he declared, gently gripping her chin to tilt her head up toward him. “I’m sorry. My joke was stupid. I am overjoyed that you finally know how much I love you.”

“Make it up to me by cooking me dinner,” she requested.

“Anything for you, sweetheart,” he replied, then gave her a quick peck. Releasing her chin, he turned to leave the room.

“Cassian,” she hissed, stopping him in his tracks. “Put on some pants!” she demanded.

A wicked grin spread across his face. “Why? Am I too distracting for you because you find me too hard to resist like this?”

Nesta narrowed her eyes, deliberately keeping her eyes focused on his. “Am I not a proper lady who deserves a gentleman with proper manners?”

“And here I thought based on all those romance novels you read, you were more fond of brutish scoundrels,” he replied as he stood before her again and ran his finger down the side of her face to push back a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Cassian!” she said in annoyance.

With a chuckle, Cassian finally went over to the dresser where he opened a drawer to grab a pair of pants. Nesta strode out of the room and down the hall to the kitchen.

Within a few minutes, Cassian joined her and started moving about the kitchen, collecting multiple ingredients, a bowl and a pan from various cupboards and chests and setting them out on the counter.

Nesta took a seat at the table and watched him. “What are you making?” she asked. 

“Pancakes.”

“That’s your idea of a romantic dinner?” she wondered aloud with a hint of incredulity. As she leaned back in her seat, she thought back to when she was pregnant and Cassian made her pancakes whenever she craved them. But was he simply making them because it was something easy?

“Well, to me, it is. The first time I made you pancakes when you were pregnant was when I first felt things were starting to shift between us,” he explained as he mixed the ingredients in a bowl. “You seemed to finally think I was at least tolerable.” 

Nesta tried to think back to that day. “Hmm. I suppose that’s true since I started to eat with you then.”

They were silent for a moment. From her spot at the table, Nesta stared outside the kitchen window into the darkness, while listening to the sizzle of Cassian pouring the batter onto a pan over the stove and the pelting of the rain against the roof of the cabin.

Then, more thunder rumbled.

“I’m guessing we won’t be able to fly back to Velaris tonight?” she asked.

“Probably not. If you want to write a note to Feyre to winnow you back, there’s parchment in Dahlia’s...well, what would have been Dahlia’s room,” he offered.

His comment saddened her. It was another reminder of what could’ve been...what should’ve been...if things didn’t all go to hell when she was last here.

She had assumed he would’ve turned the room back into his study, but if he was calling it Dahlia’s room...Curiosity sparked her to get up from the table and leave the kitchen to go to the room.

When she reached the room, she was startled to find the room was devoid of furniture and instead, there were various parchment, pens, books, and other miscellaneous items scattered about on the floor in a corner of the room. Walking further into the room and looking at the mess on the ground, she found there were maps of the Illyrians camps and notes about each camp scrawled on parchment. Beside all this sat a stuffed animal of a horse.

The entire room was a peculiar sight that Nesta knew she would have to ask Cassian about.

Finally locating a piece of magical parchment she could use to write to Feyre, she sat on the ground and grabbed a pen.

She missed Dahlia and felt bad for being away from her for so long, but...she probably was already sleeping anyway. Did she really need to rush home, or could she wait until morning, after the storm passed, to fly home with Cassian?

She then proceeded to write notes back and forth with Feyre to find out how Dahlia was doing. Once Feyre confirmed that all was well and Dahlia was asleep, Feyre was the one who first stated that if Nesta wanted to spend the night in Illryia, she wouldn’t mind.

Nesta decided to take her up on her offer, having a feeling that Cassian may have needed more than Dahlia at that moment.

Once that was settled, she went back to the kitchen where she found Cassian sitting at the table, pouring syrup on the stack of pancakes sitting before him. She could sense his mood seemed...off to her. 

“Cassian, why isn’t your desk in your study?” she inquired.

He put down the cup of syrup. “Because it’s Dahlia’s room,” he replied. “I just like to work in there so I can remind myself of why I’m dealing with the ridiculous Illyrians. That one day I can make the dream of you and her living here with me come to pass and make this area a safer place for not just both my girls, but for all females and children.”

Nesta gave him a sad smile as she approached him from behind. He drooped his wings back as she rested her hands on his shoulders.

“That day we went to the fair and went on the sleigh ride,” he continued. “I told you about making that Dahlia’s room, and I also told you I would take care of the Illyrian issues in their treatment of females and children.”

The sleigh ride...

“Hence the stuffed horse?”

Cassian nodded. “It’s my present for Dahlia when she’s finally able to live in Illyria.”

Nesta looped her arms around his neck while standing behind him. Resting her head on his shoulder, she turned her head to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I know it’s hard, my darling. But your devotion to us and these causes is one of the reasons I love you.”

A slight smile came across his face. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard you call me something other than ‘you fool’ before,” he commented. “‘My darling’ has a nice ring to it.”

She released him before walking around his chair to take a seat on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck again.

“My darling,” she whispered before placing a slow kiss on his lips.

Cassian groaned with pleasure as he wrapped his arms around her. “When is Feyre coming to winnow you back?”

“She’s not,” she replied. “Dahlia’s already been put to bed and Feyre offered to watch her for the night. I’d much rather spend the night here, and then you can fly me back in the morning if you are willing?”

His demeanor shifted. Suddenly he seemed much happier than he had a little while ago. “Of course, my love.”

“And then tomorrow, you can stay a little while in Velaris to play with Dahlia?”

“That sounds like a wonderful idea,” he insisted. “Are you ready to eat dinner?”

“Mmm, I think that can wait a little while longer. I have the appetite for something else,” she stated as she kissed him again, her tongue breaking past the seam of his lips. Cassian eagerly took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, causing her to moan.

“Cassian, my darling...father of my child…” she managed to say as soon as her lips pulled away.

“Mmm, I love that new nickname even more,” he said as he nudged his nose with hers.

“Will you let me love you now?” she requested. “It’s my turn to love you the way you deserve.”

There was a look of devilish amusement in his eyes.

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

________________________________________________________________

A/N: Well, this chapter was a doozy to write! There were some aspects that I felt deserved a bit of a bookend, like Mor, their parents, etc. I felt it was also important for a Nessian sex scene to happen since Nesta previously used sex only as a means to escape. (Also, I realized that out of all my Nessian fics, I've never given them a sex scene. Only intense makeouts...sooo I had to give them one this time!)

Hope you enjoyed this one! Thanks for your support! Next chapter will be the last - an epilogue set in the future! I don't expect it to take 2 weeks to write and post, but sometimes Nesta and Cassian have minds of their own and cause me to write more than I intend to. ;)

---> EPILOGUE

[toartemis]

Come on Love, Draw Your Swords - Part 3 & 4

For my own sanity I’ve chosen to combine these chapters on here.

Read on Ao3 here. More info and music recommendations can be found in the tags/chapter notes on there. 

Part 1, Part 2.

Summary: 

Sing to me, Moonlight For you, dear, are honey-tongued I dream just for you.

Or: The one where Jude finds out she's pregnant, and Cardan begins collecting a thousand plants.

Word Count: 6,675

Warnings:  There is a depiction of a panic attack in this chapter. If you would like to skip it, stop reading at “But I never knew how to love,..." and continue at, "It's ages before she settles..."

Preview:  She knows she should be thrilled. She is, deep below the surface. But her anxieties are almost overpowering, now, and she can’t keep shoving them away.

-------

Awareness comes to her slowly, the pull of sleep is heavy behind her eyes. The sun is just dipping behind the horizon, twilight lingering between the trees. Jude rolls to her back underneath a blanket of fur and her hands go to her belly without thought. She freezes, pangs of anxiety going through her. It always happens this way when she first wakes up; she has a few moments where she doesn’t remember. Of course, it’s hard to forget for long, now.

She started to show—really show—around a fortnight ago. It happened fast, like she could fit into all of her clothes until she woke up one day and couldn’t. That was when they announced her pregnancy. 

Naturally, a large feast was held, one that neither she nor Cardan attended, opting to stay with each other in seclusion. It was a nice night.

Soon after she broke the news to Cardan, he got into the habit of pacing, which is still one of the strangest sights Jude has ever seen. It was short-lived, though, because it took him merely a week to fixate upon a new hobby that now takes up much of his free time.

To Jude’s absolute disbelief, Cardan began collecting plants. In the most non-magical, wholly mortal type of way. He disappeared once and came back hours later with an arm full of pots from the mortal world, as well as supplies Jude assumes are used to help them grow. She’s still stumped as to why he started it, but he has been faithful to them, shocking her and those closest to them. 

It was ridiculous to her at first, and reminded her of Aleena. Back when she and Vivi first moved in together, their home was suddenly decorated top to bottom with greenery and has been that way ever since. Jude never cared for stuff like that, and she assumed Cardan didn’t either. When he first started, she was sure the plants wouldn’t survive, either because they weren’t meant to grow in Faerie or because Cardan couldn’t possibly keep them alive without magic, but she was very wrong. They’re healthy and decorate their bedroom and the windows throughout their apartments. 

She still doesn’t know what happened to them over time, whether he enchanted them in some way or they just adapted, but they became magical, bit by bit, and now they’re lively little things with big tempers. Jude doesn’t question it, only keeps her distance so she doesn’t get poked or snapped at. When she finds Cardan pruning or re-potting them, a look of child-like concentration in his features, she marvels at how calm they are in his presence. The plants like him. She quietly leaves him to his tending whenever his schedule calls for it.

As endearing as his new pastime is, Jude wonders if it has gotten a bit out of hand. Now, as she slips out of bed, hand still on her stomach, and makes her way to the large, polished mirror across the room, she bumps into one of the newest additions to Cardan’s collection. It’s at the foot of their massive bed on top of a small, decorative chest. The plant almost tumbles to the ground, but Jude manages to catch it in time and sit it back upright. It’s a mystery, really, how she never sees him acquire any new ones, but they always appear in different spots. 

She really needs to convince Cardan to put them all in an extra room somewhere else in the palace. Or a greenhouse, maybe.

Distraction taken care of, she glances at her husband to make sure he’s still asleep before continuing to her destination.

Mirrors frighten Judeas of late. She’s never been particularly interested in her appearance, per se, but now she tends to avoid them altogether. Her face looks the same as always, save for the rosy flush in her cheeks that seems to accompany her everywhere. Her eyes are tired, but her skin is clear and glowing even in the dim light. 

It’s not her face that bothers her, but her body.

There’s no mistaking that she’s pregnant anymore. Her midriff doesn’t merely look like she’s put on weight. It’s obvious that she’s with child. The roundness of her belly turns all eyes to her form when she’s in public. It’s even more attention than she usually receives as Queen. 

Cardan’s face brightens every time she’s in his sights, and when they’re alone he can’t keep his hands away from her stomach. Jude tries very hard not to let any of this bother her, but she can’t help it. It’s not that she doesn’t feel some sort of strange excitement deep within her at the thought of carrying and someday meeting her child, but she’s mostly just overrun with terror.

Jude is afraid and she can’t fix it. 

The more time passes, the farther along she is, the more she can’t ignore what’s coming: she’s going to be a mother. And she’s scared. 

She remembers what it was like to have a mom, misses her terribly, but she feels like after all she’s had to change about herself and adapt to that she’s lost the part of her that would be capable of raising a child in a healthy manner. Day and night, she’s plagued with visions of holding her baby and feeling nothing but cruel numbness. Or her child coming to her with some trivial problem, and Jude losing her temper. Compartmentalizing too much; dealing with them in the detached way she does everything else; neglecting them; not being able to show them the affection they need.  

The list goes on. Jude’s anxiety grows. It always does in these private moments.

She loses track of the time she stands there, fingers caressing her stomach, but Cardan begins to stir at some point and she snaps out of her trance. 

She says nothing of her fears and plants a small smile on her face. It’s not disingenuous, but it isn’t not a mask, either.

-------

She’s sitting on her throne when one of her personal guards approaches her. Cardan is late, probably off with his plants. Jude still doesn’t know what to make of that, but she’s grown used to his occasional disappearances at this point. She expects the message the guard gives her to be from him, not a request for an in-person and private meeting with her from Taryn. 

The first thing she does is sigh. She’s allowed that much. Taryn, though Jude didn’t know it back when everything happened, could be as conniving as Jude is. Not as bold as Jude, never that, but cunning in her own way. 

Jude almost tells the guard, Astor, to deny her. Instead, she agrees.

“The guest chambers in the Western hall, thirty minutes,” she commands quietly. Astor nods, disappearing into a hallway to her left. Jude folds her hands in her lap, trying to come up with what to say as to not start a fight or insult her sister. She barely sees her, now, and each time she does, Jude thinks that they look less and less alike. Or, maybe that’s just what she likes to tell herself.

Thirty minutes gives her enough time to make the decision to put on a more fanciful gown or dress down a bit. She does neither, opting to stay in her velvet dress the color of midnight blue. Gold beading is laid throughout it making it look like a shifting night sky from a distance. Jude likes this one. It pairs well with her crown.

She arrives at the last minute announced by the knights stationed at the door to the guest rooms. Jude strides in with her head held high. She always does. Taryn is already seated at the small, ornately carved table. A mountain of fruits and pastries stacked onto a three-tiered platter sits in front of her. She bows her head to Jude, not quite the standard that is to be expected for the High Queen, but both of them are under no illusions that Taryn cares much about showing respect to her. 

The fireplace flickers, casting a lively glow into the room. Lanterns hang from the ceiling. The moonlight spilling in from the windows seems to bend and follow Jude’s form as she makes her way over to the table. 

“Taryn,” Jude greets, voice neutral, and she sits. 

“Jude,” she says back. 

“How have you been? I haven’t seen you in some time.” Really, how long has it been since they’ve spoken like this? Two years? It seems like a lifetime. 

“Yes, well, you do seem busy.” Taryn smiles sweetly. Jude says nothing. 

Straight to thinly-veiled hostilities, then. 

It’s been like this for years. They could never make up after everything. Jude is horribly stubborn, but so is her sister. They are twins, after all. 

Silence fills the air. Jude refuses to fill it until Taryn does. She is not the one who summoned her sister here; she will wait. Eventually, Taryn’s carefully masked features soften slightly.

“How… is the pregnancy?” She asks. Jude’s defenses go up, she can’t help it. 

“It’s fine. All going smoothly.” 

More silence. 

“How far along are you?”

“Eighteen weeks,” Jude says. Taryn looks at her. Really, really looks at her. 

“I still have trouble believing it. I never thought you were one for children,” she says. 

“Neither did I.” 

Taryn lets out a hollow laugh. “It’s almost comical,” she says, sarcasm in her tone, “You never asked for any of this, yet you have it all.” She stares at Jude, jealousy rippling clearly across her face. “I wanted a place here in this world  and I did what I had to do to get it. And I’ve always wanted children; a family, but no matter how much I plead, I can’t have it.”

Jude knows this. She knows Taryn wants children, but Locke doesn’t. Even if they fit together, Locke with his horrible schemes and Taryn with her love for watching them play out, they’re not very compatible in the ways that matter to Taryn. Eventually, she’ll get what she wants one way or another. Jude suspects it’ll be soon. 

“Yet you got it all without trying, without wanting. It just fell into your lap,” Taryn grits out. 

Jude is stunned. Taryn is never so plain with her; never so aggressive. 

In the most indifferent manner she can muster, Jude says, “I beg your pardon?” 

And Taryn lets loose. “I fought so hard to be where I am. I only ever wanted a place among the Court. I kept to myself, I never got in trouble, I found Locke, and you… You loved stirring it all, loved blowing it up in our faces, and you still ended up with everything, didn’t you? The most beautiful lover, a prince at that; the crown; the child.”

Jude takes it all in, and at first she’s furious. Taryn was always supposed to be the wiser of the two, and Jude is shocked at how twisted her point of view is from all of these years of tense silences and no communication. Back then, it was different. It was treachery and secrets, but that’s because it had to be, and Taryn had made her choice of which side of Jude’s she wanted to be on. Now, however… Jude is astounded as to how her sister came to that conclusion when she knew how much Jude wanted a place in the Court all those years ago, she knew Jude was lost and spiraling. 

“You know nothing of my life, do you?” Jude asks calmly. And really, she is calm somehow. All traces of her anger have vanished, leaving only cool disbelief and an inkling of pity. “Nothing of it from the moment they pushed us into the river with the nixies… Or was it the mock war and tournament?” 

“I know you were a spy for Prince Dain,” Taryn says, and there is a sweet distaste to her words. 

“That’s right, I was I spy.”

“And you seduced Cardan.”

Jude barks a hideous laugh. Taryn glares at her, cheeks flushing.

“If I seduced Cardan, it wasn’t on purpose. How was I supposed to know he liked me threatening him? It was all with honest intentions of defiance, not seduction.” 

Taryn looks puzzled and slightly scandalized. Perhaps it was the implications. Jude leans forward and says, “I didn’t seduce him. I never even liked him. We hated each other.”

“But the night of his crowning, you planned–”

“Yes, I did. I had a plan, one that I devised with my spy friends in our spy lair where I tied Cardan to a chair and pushed a knife against his throat.”

Taryn crosses her arms. This all seems like brand new information to her, and Jude is confused. She thought maybe that Madoc had told her more of Jude’s relationship with Cardan, or Locke knew some of the story, or… something. 

“You really don’t know?” Jude asks. Taryn doesn’t reply, she just looks lost, even a little nervous. Jude is struck with a sudden sadness. She does not feel regret, no, because Taryn did things that were entirely her own fault, not Jude’s. But it is a deep hurt for the forfeited time between them. 

There was a point where Taryn was her mirror, her best friend, her biggest confidant. The game of princes and crowns broke them apart. Jude can understand her sister’s motives back then. It’s much clearer now than it was. 

So Jude decides now. She decides to try despite everything, despite the years of silence and awkwardness and her sister kneeling at her feet at the occasional revel. Jude will give it a chance. Her will has always been strong, but seven years is a long time to hold a grudge. Jude has forgiven betrayal before. She can do it again.

So she takes a deep breath and starts with, “Cardan had… some sort of feelings for me. I didn’t know. My honest thoughts of him were that it’d be better if he were dead and gone from my life. He was the bane of my existence.” It seems so funny now. Her hand goes to her stomach. Taryn looks bewildered at the fact that she’s even speaking. 

Keep going, she tells herself. And she does.

Jude tells her sister of Prince Dain and his offer, his geas and the rules, her weeks of training and missions. She tells her of Valerian and his threats, his attempt at murdering her. 

“I think I knew that part,” Taryn interrupts her, shoulders slowly relaxing then tensing again as if realizing what her words meant. Jude lets it go, trying not to dwell on them.

She recounts her side of the massacre, the Greenbriars falling one at a time, how terrifying it was for her future. She tells her of finding Cardan under the tables, escaping together, and taking him to the Court of Shadows.

Jude acknowledges that she’s never told this to anyone. None of it, really, except some bits and pieces to Vivi. If anyone knew, they didn’t know it from her. It’s exhausting to be so open with someone, especially when trust is so scarce. 

She hesitates before the next part of her story, but trudges on.

“I knew I had to come up with something. I had the most valuable thing in Faerie right in my grasp. He just happened to be horrible. That was the night I found out how he… felt.” Jude looks up from the spot on the table she has been staring at and fixes her eyes on the wall behind Taryn. She remembers the moment vividly, especially the kiss. “I never seduced him. I was never his creature. I tricked him. I tricked him into becoming king,” she says. She isn’t guilty, but she isn’t proud of herself. 

“How?” Taryn asks. After a moment, Jude tells her. 

“I persuaded him into swearing himself into my service for a year and a day and lied that I would let him have a life free of the Court,” she says simply, gaze shifting to her sister.

“He never wanted the Blood Crown.” A look of soft understanding spreads on Taryn’s face.

“No, he did not.” Jude says. There’s a moment where she breathes deeply, pressing one of her hands into her belly over an ache. Taryn’s eyes follow the movement. “The night he was crowned was the night I became the Shadow Queen.”

“The role of seneschal was a ruse, then.”

“Partially,” Jude admits. “I still performed those duties occasionally.”

“Any other duties?” It’s harmless, not even quite teasing, but Jude reacts anyway.

“I told you I was not his creature,” she says snappishly. Taryn raises her eyebrows. Her poster stays straight and stiff, a sharp difference from Jude, who leans over the table, fingers drawing swirls into the surface.

“But the clothes… The way you both acted around each other.”

Jude huffs. “Cardan is dramatic. We were fools.”

The silence returns, but it isn’t uncomfortable; only weighty. Jude waits, hoping Taryn will offer her something else. 

“Then when did it happen?” Taryn sounds unsure of her question, but it’s the first time she’s spoken that reminds Jude of how they used to be. It’s curious and open. It sounds like it’s meant to be asked between sisters. Jude is not the High Queen in this moment. She hasn’t been since she started her tale.

“Us?” Jude asks. Taryn nods.

“Somewhere along the way,” Jude says, recalling the exact moment they snapped, pressing up against each other, breathing into each other’s mouths. Taryn watches her, a small smile on her lips. Jude hopes she isn’t projecting.

“Before or after the Undersea?” 

Jude succeeds in holding back a flinch at the mention of it, her mind flashing to what she did down there to survive. That, she won’t tell her sister. That is for her and Cardan. 

���Before,” Jude says, “But he asked me to marry him after.” 

“So that was true? I didn’t know if you returned and were married or did it privately before your… time away.”

“My exile, you mean. Yes, I was the Queen before. I wasn’t lying when I was embarrassed in front of the entire Court. It happened the night before, right after I murdered Balekin.” 

Taryn’s eyes are comically wide. Jude laughs.

“It sounds so dramatic when I put it like that.” 

And Taryn laughs too. “It’s dramatic put in any way.” 

They giggle together like they used to when they were younger. Jude’s heart feels light. Just for a moment their past is behind them both. When they stop, there is silence. Taryn stares while Jude continues her patterns on the table. 

“I missed you,” whispers Taryn. 

And it’s not as hard as Jude thought it would be to say, “I missed you too.”

It doesn’t fix everything; it doesn’t erase the last years and bad faith and hard feelings. But it’s a start. 

Jude finishes the rest of what she feels is necessary to be told now that she’s gotten this far. Taryn tells her bits of her own life and the moments she’s been happy, along with the moments she hasn’t. It isn’t fully comfortable, nor easy, but Jude is glad. And if she has a moment where she wonders what her sister’s motives are, Jude tries to think of other things and let herself enjoy her time. 

And she does. She really does.

When Taryn leaves, Jude reaches to squeeze her hand within hers. 

----

The sound of strings carries throughout the hall. Leaves sprout on the ceiling and fall, raining softly on the crowd. The Folk dance and writhe and drink before two thrones. The smell of faerie fruits and spiced wine curls in the air, enticing. 

The ball is a magnificent one, Jude can admit. She’s wearing a new gown just for the occasion, many layers soft lavender fabric with white smoke patterns, hugging her just so to accentuate her features but hide her stomach a bit. Even Jude thought she looked lovely in it; healthy and youthful. Her belly looks less shockingly round hidden beneath the waves spilling from beneath her breasts. Her shoulders are bare and her sleeves graze the floor. 

Cardan looks obscene in his pitch black silk clothes, shiny chains made of small gems swooping around his shoulders, white cape contrasting beautifully. His collar reaches up his throat like a shadow, his jawline and cheeks contoured with a smokey silver. The kohl around his eyes looks iridescent at some angles. 

After so many years, Jude thought she couldn’t blush at something as simple as his appearance, but she was very wrong. 

Indeed, all eyes were on them when they entered through heavy double doors earlier that night, sometime after the festivities had started. Jude had not been out publicly for weeks at that point, so when the whispers started up as the Court caught sight of her, she was ready for them. She was very obviously nearing her due date. Cardan, unfazed as always, prowls his way to their matching thrones atop the dais, Jude’s arm hooked gently in his.

This is where she finds herself, feet tucked beneath her, Cardan beside her, the ball in full swing around them. At some point he leaves her to speak with who she remembers to be a high ranking war master from far off. The crowd swirls around him, simultaneously avoiding him but inevitably drawn in as well. That’s exactly what it’s like to be near Cardan; he’s like gravity, unfathomable and too beautiful to touch. 

Jude touches, of course.

Looking at him now, he chuckles at something, a genuine smirk on his face as he sips his wine. Something changed over the years, perhaps it was simply the passing of time, but he’s become much more open and inviting during these public events. The aura of authority is there, and he still acts the same as he did years ago, but the difference is in his stance and the way he looks at who he’s talking to. His shoulders are relaxed and pulled back, he leans forward ever so slightly. 

It’s nice, Jude thinks. She likes seeing him work, watching him, because he is hers to study. 

She remembers when he first became High King, how he would lounge on his throne without a care, drowning in wine. She loved him then. She loves him more now. 

Jude shifts under the gazes of the Folk, becoming increasingly unsettled. She knows she looks big, but up on her throne in front of so many people and with Cardan somewhere in the crowd, she feels like a mouse in a sea of wild, hungry cats. Sweat gathers on her brow. She places a hand on her midriff. 

It’s mere seconds later that she feels a dull twitch beneath her ribs, causing her to gasp lightly. Her pulse quickens, heart fluttering as she moves her hand to press down on the spot. Nothing meets her touch, for a moment, then it feels as if her entire stomach tumbles briefly. Her gasp is much louder this time, both hands cradling her belly.

She startles at the sight of Cardan kneeling before her. She could have sworn he was just–

“Are you alright?” His voice is rushed and quiet, one hand covering hers where is lies on her middle. Jude sees there are many stares pointed at them, and realizes she must have caused a small commotion. 

“I’m fine,” she says, and makes to stand, swinging her tingly legs out from beneath her. Cardan tenderly takes her hands to help her up. “It’s okay, just movements.” 

His eyes brighten at this, a small, private grin on his face when he looks at her belly. 

“I’m going to retire for the night,” she continues, glancing from the crowd and back to her husband, anxiety coming up her chest and into her throat. She tries to swallow it down and put on a neutral face. Cardan looks as if he is about to say he’ll accompany her, but she shuts him down before he starts. “Don’t worry about it. You stay here. I’m going to take a bath.”

His squeezes her hands just so, the gesture barely there but warming her heart just the same, then he flicks his wrist in the air and a group of his personal guards appear behind him. She loves it when he does that, it never works so smoothly for her. 

He presses a kiss to her cheek, one that has her eyes fluttering closed, and he murmurs, “I’ll come find you when the night is over.” Jude nods, a smile tugging at her lips despite the nerves, and she makes her way off the dais, a crowd of armed guards surrounding her and parting the swarm of bodies.

She keeps her composure until she’s alone, the doors to their chambers sliding shut behind her. She rips her crown off and sets it on her desk in the main room, and begins shedding the pieces of her attire. She reaches for a knot of fabric on her side, but it’s in a weird spot she can’t reach across her stomach, and she needs both hands to undo it so that her gown can loosen where it’s cinched at her ribs and can fall right off. She huffs, tearing out her earrings instead and ripping the braids out of her hair. Again, in her and Cardan’s bedroom this time, she tries for the knot, but it won’t budge without any help, and suddenly she’s so worked up and frustrated that she feels tears forming. 

Stupid. Crying like a child.

She decides to lift the dress off of her instead, but the damned thing is too heavy, and her stomach keeps getting in the way and her skin is pulling and she feels too large to even breathe. 

The first sob comes quickly. Jude drops the fabric, face crumpling. Then she’s sitting on the end of  her bed, her dress swamping her form and piling around her. It just makes her feel worse. She cries so easily now and it’s infuriating, she hates it so much that it only makes her tears come faster. She doesn’t have the control that she desperately needs, everything is spiraling, she’s going to have this baby soon and she’s so afraid she won’t be good enough.

I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

Her breath comes in short bursts. She’s lived most of her life dealing with things like they’re a job or a plan, but this… This is something she doesn’t know what to do with. Putting off the thought of it being real worked for the first few months, but now the day is getting closer and closer, and she’s going to be a mother.

I can’t do this. I can’t be what they need me to be.

Another sob breaks free, and she buries her face in her hands, willing herself to calm down.

She thinks of her mother’s voice, and tries all the breathing exercises she knows of. After a long moment, she shuts her mind off enough that they work. 

She’s still sniffling when she feels another flutter in her belly. By this point, she’s so tired she could fall asleep where she sits, so she doesn’t mind the feeling. The whiplash of her emotional state is jarring, but she doesn’t want to think about it, or anything, at the moment, so she unclasps a heavily jeweled necklace from her throat, kicks off her leather slippers, and lies down on her side right where she is at the edge of the bed. She falls asleep as soon as she gathers the fabric of her gown in her arms and squeezes, tension sliding out of her body and sleep taking over.

When Cardan finds her like that a bit later, his eyes soften. Jude barely wakes up as he unties the knot at her side and gently maneuvers her around, slipping her arms from her sleeves and working the heavy gown off her body leisurely. She doesn’t stir when he lifts her farther up the bed and covers her with the fur blankets she likes. And when he kisses her forehead, his palm splayed on her side, fingers dancing over the soft skin where her stomach meets her ribs, she sleeps through it all. 

-------

Twinkling water rushes over smooth stones, the sight lulling Jude into a trance. She sits on a stone pew by a small pond with multiple swirling pools, the smell of wet grass filling her senses. It’s high noon, but the sun seems soft behind the clouds. Many Folk are asleep, but Jude is too nervous to attempt to settle her mind.

The midwives came to see her before the moon set. They say she has six weeks left. As soon as they were out of sight, Jude left her chambers and Cardan behind and escaped to her private garden. 

She knows she should be thrilled, she is, deep below the surface. But her anxieties are almost overpowering, now, and she can’t keep shoving them away. There’s no time left, the days are ticking by quickly. She’s run out of things to distract herself with. All there is is her swollen belly and her headaches that never leave. Her thighs tingle and she can’t even put on her own shoes. If not for the team of human girls—willing, of course, and happy to help—that help her dress throughout the day and for different events, she would be barefoot constantly. 

Jude never developed much of a liking for idle chatting, but she participates even less than she ever has, too caught up in her thoughts and the fatigue that follows her every step. She gets dizzy when she stands, now. It all makes her feel weak, and she hates it. It’s not entirely bad, though. The few moments she’s able to push her nerves away, she truly is excited to meet the child she has been carrying. There have been times that she’s almost gone to the mortal world to set up an appointment and figure out the sex of the baby.

She never does. She likes it this way. And, maybe, she thinks it would become too real if she knew. Denial has her closest companion these last months.

Cardan is visibly ecstatic. Jude never thought she would see him this way. Her heart does flips when he kneels next to her before bed, splaying his hands across where their baby sits. He presses kisses to her temples and cheeks at random, fingers gliding along her neck. When she bathes, he sits behind her, nose pressed into her neck, thumbs digging into the aches she has in her lower back. 

He’s doting on her like never before, and truthfully, Jude would find it annoying if he wasn’t so unbearably charming. 

Though it’s unconventional for a High King of Elfhame to share his apartments with his newborn child, they’ve both turned one of their rooms into a nursery. Besides, Cardan and Jude aren’t like normal rulers, anyway. Obviously. 

Cardan seems overjoyed about it, and even takes a few of his smaller, gentler plants from his greenhouse—because, yes, he did move those disastrous things eventually—and places them along the large window in the room. Faintly sweet-smelling flowers sway from vines on the ceiling, and the walls are enchanted to seem soft and bright. The atmosphere is warm, like a blanket. Jude’s heart aches when she enters it, so she stays away more often than not.

She spends a lot more of her time in her garden the closer it gets to the due date. 

Cardan leaves her alone there most of the time. That’s why she’s here now, he had seen the panic written across her features when talking to the midwives and she knew he would ask about it. He’s tried to get her to open up lately, but she brushes him off, not wanting to ruin his joy.

It only makes her feel more alone. The dynamic is strange. All of Elfhame seems excited for the birth of their child, mostly because that means lots of festivities, but Jude doesn’t know how to handle what her life is about to become.

Butterflies erupt in her stomach, nerves panging beneath her skin, and Jude wants to cry thinking about Cardan’s face when she stormed out of their room—as stormy as she could manage with a waddle in her step—before dawn. She’s nearing her breaking point. It’s not that she’s unraveling, anymore, like a complicated knot being pulled at. No, she’s completely loose. 

She pushes herself up from the stone bench, back cracking, feet hurting. 

Why couldn’t I have an easy fucking pregnancy? Or is this an easy pregnancy? 

She huffs and walks back into the palace, personal knights flanking her movements. Jude wants someone, anyone, to understand what’s going on in her head. 

When she comes upon her chambers, she waves her attendants off when they try to open the doors for her, not once, but twice. She needs to do something by herself. Pushing the doors open does strain her, but she feels better when she steps in and they close behind her. 

She makes her way into her bedroom, expecting to sleep the rest of the daylight away, but when she enters, Cardan is sitting upright at the edge of the bed. The sheets are strewn haphazardly around, his tail is swaying in the air, gold cuffs and jewelry dangling from it. If she listened closely enough, she knows she would be able to hear the small tinkling sounds coming from the metal. Her heartbeat quickens. He’s staring at her, hands clasped in his lap, the Blood Crown lying beside him. 

“I’ve grown tired of listening to you lie to me, Jude dearest,” he says, exhaustion in his voice and no malice to his words. Jude swallows thickly. “Will you be candid with me? Please?”

She frowns. She doesn’t want to do this. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she says, holding his gaze. The sigh he gives is dramatic. 

“We will discuss this, I won’t leave you alone with whatever is tormenting you any longer.”

Jude flinches, though she tries not to. 

“You see?” He says, gesturing to her, “It’s in everything you do. I’ve been going mad trying to give you space, waiting for you to come to me.” He stands, now, hand wiping across his forehead. “I can’t keep going like this, I want to help.” 

And, really, with how fragile she feels, Jude’s not surprised that her resolve crumbles immediately when she sees for the first time how this has been affecting him too. 

Silence hangs between them for some time, the sound of their breathing fills the air. 

“I’m scared,” she says.

He just looks at her, worry in his eyes.

“I know.”

Something flares in Jude’s chest, emotion choking her. She feels like she wants to scream, like she wants to burst out of her own skin, and it’s so sudden that her carefully placed mask falls from her features, desperation and anxiety showing through. Cardan takes a step toward her, but she backs up two. 

“Jude.” And it’s soft, laced with pain, like a question.

“No,” she says, voice watery. “I’m not just scared, I’m terrified.” She stares into him, willing him to understand all that she means in that one word. When she sees that he doesn’t, the words that follow build up on her tongue like her muddled thoughts have since the day she first took those tests in the mortal world. 

“I don’t know what to do, or what to say. I’m– I’m– I can’t do this! I can’t. I don’t even know how to handle myself, or even what to do when we argue. How am I supposed to handle another living thing, with a mind and a heart and–” she sucks in a breath, tears forming.

“You have me,” he says, brows furrowed. “We’ll do it together.”

“But I never knew how to love,” Jude says, voice frantic, “After Madoc took us––stole us away, I just… Shut it all out. I never wanted children because I know I’m not capable, I didn’t even know I could, I could–” and she can’t breathe.

She can’t breathe.

And she can hear her heart pounding in her ears. She turns away from Cardan only to catch her reflection in the mirror on the wall near her and all she sees is her stomach and she needs to sit down immediately or she knows she’ll fall over. 

“I– I can’t–” and she sobs, collapsing to her knees, hand grasping at the small writing desk beside her, sitting back on her feet. Cardan is on the ground before her in the time it takes her to blink. He’s right there, hands cradling her face, thumbs stroking in soothing motions. He looks panicked, and Jude feels all the worse for it. He’s saying something to her, but Jude can’t understand what. She just cries and cries. 

In time, Cardan gives up on calming her down. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her into his lap, holding her tightly and gently rocking back and forth. When one of his hands wraps around the back of her neck, she fists her hands in his loose shirt, trying to bury herself within his embrace. 

It’s ages before she settles, first by regaining control of her breathing, then by ceasing her sobs. Silent tears flow, breath hitching in her chest like a stutter. Eventually, she only sniffles, exhaustion pulling at her eyelids.

And for some time, all is still, a hush over the room. Jude doesn’t even realize that she’s falling asleep. 

When she opens her eyes, she blinks blearily, and it takes her a minute to adjust.The sun has set outside of the windows. Moonbeams caress the stone floors, bright enough that even she can see clearly. Her head is cradled beneath Cardan’s chin. They’re against the arched doorway to their bedroom, Cardan leaning against the frame. Her heart aches when she realizes he’s probably been sitting like this for hours and he hasn’t moved so as to not disturb her. 

His tail is curled underneath her belly. Jude’s hair is out of it’s updo. She can feel Cardan’s fingers tracing the shape of her ear. The rise and fall of his chest almost soothes her back to sleep.

“Do you not know that I doubt myself as much as you?” His voice is not angry, nor accusing, just resigned. “Have you not considered?”

Truthfully, Jude hasn’t. Shame twists in her gut. Cardan continues.

“I knew nothing of love as a child. Only loneliness. Desperation–” Cardan takes a long breath. Jude hears his heartbeat beneath her ear, tracks of tears dry on her face. “Despair of the deepest incarnation. The type of sorrow that one would hide behind rancid grins and hollow laughs. That is all I knew,” he says, a shakiness to his voice. He pushes his nose into her hair and tightens his arms around her.

“Now, each time I wake up, I am haunted by the thought that I will become my father, or Balekin, to our child.”

Jude feels more tears fall at his words. An ache spreads through her chest. She grieves for him, for herself, too, for how life was cruel to both of them.

“We will do this together,” he murmurs, quiet, but every bit determined. “We can do it. You can. I’ll be with you, always. I’ll be there for our child, always.” 

And Jude relaxes into him. He slips his arms underneath her and lifts her as he stands, walking them over to the bed. There, they fall asleep, wrapped around each other, limbs tangled, breathing in tandem.

-------

Thanks for reading! 

[random-imagines-blog]

Under The Rose {Eomer x Reader Oneshot}

Requested by:@rachelcarroll1819 Wordcount: 2701 Summary: You plan a party with your husband Eomer. Your guests include your best friends, Arwen and Samwise, their spouses, and your brother Legolas.

There were many flowers blooming, despite the rough start to Spring. However, it was the roses outside of your Rohan keep that you were looking most forward to. The roses were what set yours apart from all of the other gardens in the area - everyone knew that the ones that bloomed under your touch and care were always more beautiful, sweet smelling and even longer lasting than any other rose in the Kingdom. There were people who came from outside of Rohan to come and see them when they finally bloomed, including your two best friends, as unlikely as they were. If word got to Samwise Gamgee of The Shire, or Arwen of Rivendell, they could be expected to travel to Rohan with their families - King of Gondor included - to celebrate these roses. And you couldn’t forget about your brother, Legolas, who always came to visit you, roses or no.

Eomer walked out of the keep to see that you were looking over your garden, and wrist-deep in the fertile soil. You were never afraid to get your hands dirty, and that’s one thing that your husband loved about you. “The dawn’s barely broken, do you ever let yourself rest?” He asked, sauntering towards you, blonde hair hanging down around his shoulders. “Didn’t you stay up weeding, too?”

“Eomer, it’s almost time,” You said, smiling at him over your shoulder. He knew exactly what that meant. Did you stay up weeding because it’s almost time to hold the annual garden party at your home, yes, of course you did. You knew that the garden wasn’t exactly something that he was interested in, but it was important to you so it was important to him. “Sam might bring something up from his own garden for us, so I need to make some space. His marigolds are always gorgeous, I hope it’s those.” You realized that you were ranting, and Eomer was just looking at you blankly. You chuckled, getting to your feet and wiped your hands on the long skirt you were wearing.

“The riders are on patrol today, and I don’t have any appointments until the afternoon...” He said, suggestively. By the time that you approached him, he had a grin on his face, not just his usual smirk.

“You mean that I get the King to myself for the rest of the morning?” You questioned, raising an eyebrow. Climbing into his arms, he held you securely in his chest and carried you up the stairs, back into the warm castle that you called home. You pressed small kisses into the crook of his neck, and though of course he was on your mind as he so often was, you couldn’t help but think about the invitations you were going to send out to your friends.

He carried you into the bedroom, humming an affirmative to your question and laid you down on the bed. You laid back against the pillows, hair spread out around you. “You know that means I want the Queen to myself all morning,” He said, returning the kisses that you had given before. You closed your eyes and moaned as the sensations spread from the hair on your head to the tips of your curled toes. You quickly got over the distraction of planning the party, and focused on him and him alone.

-

Eomer retreated to the gardens outside once the last of his meetings were over. As he was still dressed in his Kingly attire, and had been sitting down on the throne for the last couple of hours, he was feeling stiff, and was looking forward to a stroll around to loosen up his legs. Something was different though - there was a male voice in the garden with yours, making you laugh. He turned the corner to where the benches were, under the shade of the large, sweet smelling trees.

“Samwise Gamgee,” Eomer said, seeing the mop of curly hair. You beamed up at your husband and motioned him to come and join the two of you where you were sitting. Sam stood up and behind him was revealed a just as pleasant looking woman and four young bairns. “Oh - and ... family.”

“There’s another on the way!” You said, cheerfully, laying your hand on Rosie’s round stomach. You always were a sucker for babies, especially when they were young, so having these children here and knowing that Rosie could burst at just about any second was exciting. With Eomer, children made him soften only slightly - he had a tough childhood himself and no one had ever taken it easy on him, so it was hard for him to remind himself to take it easy on them.

“Something for you  here,” Sam said, fishing around in a sack that he had brought. He pulled out some fresh ears of corn from the Shire, shining as golden as the sun above. You stood up and took one out of his hand. “Usually I’d bring more but we’ve been having trouble with the carrots lately,” He said, sheepishly.

“It’s good enough for us,” Eomer said, taking the sack from Sam. “It’s going to make a good meal, once everyone else gets here.”

“I brought Lembas Bread,” Legolas said, coming around the corner that Eomer had just arrived from. He had been eavesdropping clearly, and came straight for you. Over everyone else, you were the one that your brother cared about the most, and he showed it in the way that his arms lifted you into the air as he hugged you. You laughed joyfully and wrapped your own arms around your pretty, blonde brother, having missed him over the past year. Although that year for you and Legolas had been short, it had been long to all the others, and that way of thinking had begun to rub off on both of you. “Y/N, you’re looking well,” He said, once he put you back down.

“As are you, Legolas,” You said, taking in the never-changing appearance of your big brother. “What a surprise, Lembas Bread,” You teased. Legolas always brought Lembas bread to these gatherings, mainly for Sam to take home for Merry and Pippin.

Legolas and Eomer embraced, but only for half a moment before separating. They had fought together in the Great Battles sure, but there was a discomfort in knowing that they both cared about you above all else. It almost made them competitive with one another - at least on Legolas’s end. You usually had to force Legolas to stand down, and remind him that Eomer was only human, after all.

Aragorn and Arwen were the last to arrive. You stayed standing to greet them, though you did bow down just to tease the King, who always insisted that you didn’t have to bow. He stood with the rest of the men while you and Arwen embraced and kissed each other on the cheek.

Arwen was counted among your two best friends, with Sam being the other. You agreed with your husband that it was an odd mixture of friends, but the core aspects of your personalities were the same. All three of you would die to protect your friends and the ones that you love, that was the main thing. You’d missed them terribly, and it felt amazing to have your favorite people back together again.

-

The next evening was filled with color as the roses finally bloomed at last. You had arranged the large table to be beneath the climbing roses that took over the majority of one of the back walls of the castle. There was an array of red, white and pink, mixing in with the golden buds of the marigolds Sam had brought and that the two of you planted together that morning. This may be the best turn out your garden has ever seen.

Arwen walked noiselessly on the cobbled garden path, holding a large silver pitcher of water for the table. “Is Rosie going to  be able to walk this far?” She asked, setting it on the table.

“Sam will take care of her, carry her down if he has to,” You giggled, picturing Sam crawling on all fours with his pregnant wife sitting on his back. Arwen laughed as well, it sounding like musical bells against the quiet of nature. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she gives birth here in Rohan.”

“Can you imagine, a little newborn hobbit baby,” Arwen sat down at the table, her cheeks glowing with happy thoughts. The others weren’t due down here for another half an hour, but she knew you would be down here making sure that everything was perfect. Most of the food was still in the kitchens, being kept warm, but you already had the large plates of fruits, cheeses and finger vegetables set out for appetizers. She picked a ripe cherry tomato off of one of the plates and ate it without the littlest bit of juice dribbling from her lips. Nothing less from an elf, of course. Or from the Queen of Gondor.

“It’s nice to hear children running around in these halls - it has been much too long,” You sighed dreamily, remembering some of the laughter you heard. You had started the morning playing with the little ones so that Sam and Rosie could get some rest in. Elanor had wormed her way into your heart, and started acting like a little princess straight away.

“As you are my best friend, I’m going to let you in on something...” Arwen said, leaning in to make sure no one else would hear. “Do you remember that vision I had of Aragorn, and our son?” You nodded and leaned forward, craving the good news. “We’ve been trying - but you cannot tell anyone.”

“You’re worried that I would tell your father?” You asked, and she nodded slowly. “He would be happy for you if it happened, we all would. Or should I say will, since it was a vision and is sure to come true.”

Being an elf with a human as a husband, much like yourself, made it very difficult to have children. You’d been thinking about it since you first laid eyes on the rider on the way to Rohan. It seemed fitting that your best friend was having the same contemplations with her own husband. Despite the hardships that would come with trying, you supported her endlessly, and proved that to her with a hug - something that elves did so rarely.

-

You held Sam’s hands when he came out of the castle, ready for dinner, with his wife following along behind him. Tonight was what you were most looking forward to - a great meal, great friends, and the blooming roses overhead. It was a great thing that Eowyn and Faramir were in the city, and agreed to watch all of Sam’s little ones. Having them around was great fun, but also greatly chaotic - you wondered how they could handle it at all.

“Sometimes it’s nice being away from home,” Sam said, “if you’re around the right people.” You smiled at that and let go of his hands to lean in and peck Rosie on either cheek. You loved their round cheeks and their sweet smiles - there was something so happy about the couple that was entirely infectious.

“You know you’re always welcome here, and I hope to visit the Shire one day.” Sam and Rosie looked at each other and both started to laugh, making you furrow your brow in confusion. Without asking, Eomer walked behind you and put his arm around your waist.

“Normally, even humans in the Shire would look odd, but an elf?” Eomer explained on the Hobbits’ behalf. It did make sense and you giggled behind your hand. “Y/N, sometimes you forget that other places aren’t like home, don’t you?”

“Can you blame me?” Getting into your seat at the intimate table that seated seven comfortably, you flushed and put your hand on your husband’s thigh. There was no one looking at the two of you anymore, but rather they were all fixing their plates. “You brought me to a perfect home.”

Working on dinner, the seven of you didn’t have much time for chit chat. You had provided them with a feast with all of the foods that they loved. You were particularly fond of the roast pork and vegetables that you had the kitchens whip up, salted of course with salt from The Shire that Sam had sent by rider a few months before. You also made sure that there was plenty of wine - enough to make everyone’s nose and cheeks go rosy, even Legolas’s and he had a very high tolerance for alcohol. Save for pregnant Rosie’s, of course. All around you, the smell of roses hung in the air, the fragrance enriching the senses to where it even seemed to flavor the food.

In true Kingly fashion, Aragorn and Eomer were attempting to out-eat one another. As always, you and Arwen made fun of them, sneaking more food onto their plates when they were too busy looking at each other competitively. Your husbands would be feeling that later, that’s for sure. There was even some surprise as Sam and Rosie were both keeping up, but were taking their time of it. You, Arwen and Legolas, as the elves, were more picky with how you ate, making your plates look clean and pristine once you have eaten the last morsel but you hadn’t had your plate heaping either.

You called for the maids to come clear the table once all of the food had been eaten, and suggested a walk in the gardens to help the food settle. From when they first arrived, you wanted to have some time with just Arwen and Sam, and this was the first time that it was finally materializing.

“Of course you’re the first one out of the Fellowship to have a baby,” You smiled down at Sam as you and Arwen took smaller steps to match his stride. “A few, in fact, unless - oh please don’t tell me that Pippin has reproduced.” Sam laughed at that and shook his head, his curls flying around his face. “No, not yet, but he might.”

You listened as Arwen and Sam caught up with one another, for they didn’t speak to one another as often as they spoke to you. Being more on the quiet side, Arwen mostly listened as Sam talked about his family, the Shire, the love of his home and his friends, and of course - how much he missed his best friend Frodo Baggins.

You slowed down and a hand caught yours, fingers intertwining. No other person would dare touch you like that other than your husband, so you knew immediately that it was him, and squeezed. You looked to your side to see that he had caught up to you, and under the twilight sky, he looked absolutely beautiful. His hair was loose and flowing past his shoulders, golden as the mane of the horse that he rode. His dark eyes sparkled as they always did when he looked at you - only when he looked at you. Since the moment that you first set eyes on one another in the field, while looking for the two young hobbits Merry and Pippin, a connection had been formed that a dangerous war and the risk of impending death did nothing to sever.

“Having a good time?” Eomer asked you, matching your steps.

You reached just past his ear to one of the rose vines behind him, and plucked a deep red one, narrowly avoiding the thorns. It’s scent was strong, and vibrant. You twirled it between your fingers and caught your husband’s eye once more.

“Nothing in this world could ever be more perfect than tonight has been.” You assured him, and tucked it behind his ear in a teasing manner.