#You think that stopped Boromir??? Hell no!!!

[mushroomates]

the fellowship as roommates:

frodo: probably one of the best roommates out there. keeps to himself, tidy, does his laundry quickly and doesn’t leave it in the wash for a week. the company he keeps inviting over are weird though and you wish he’d stop obsessing over his jewelry. there’s a ring dish by the sink he’s always being funny about.

sam: he has to stop bringing plants home. the amount of dirt where there shouldn’t be is getting ridiculous. will make bread for the household though, and that makes up for it. does his dishes and all the dishes in the sink frequently and genuinely enjoys the task. took over the decoration and homemaking instantly.

merry: has a massive candle collection that would be fire safety issue. it not, however, a fire safety issue because merry never lights them. he has discontinued yankee candles and various limited edition scents. it’s his pride and joy and he doesn’t ever want to burn them because he wants to keep them forever. once pippin lit his maple-bacon soy wax triwick 1998 and merry went nuts. aside from that, pleasant company.

pippin: his parents pay for his rent because he couldn’t be bothered to pay it on time, and the tooks really, really wanted their son out of the house. do NOT go in his room. has not done laundry ever and does not plan to. keeps dirty dishes in his hamper and under his bed. keeps buying new forks thinking you won’t notice.

boromir: pays his rent a day early. handles the bills and finances and just tell you how much you owe. very respectful about your space in the fridge. does his best to be quiet past 9pm. he does, however, carve wood over the carpet and splinters have become an issue. he vacuum’s but it’s seriously becoming a problem. also keeps inviting these weirdos over who try and eat all your food.

aragorn: keeps tanning hides in the living room. is never home because he’s always at his girlfriends place. brought a dehydrator into the mix and the house always smells like meat because he’s making jerky. he will share it though, which is nice:

legolas: is mildly afraid of the bathroom. keeps clogging the drains with copious amounts of shed hair. uses your shampoo when he thinks your not looking. eats all of the good food, and small bites out of pretty much everything. tracks dirt all over the carpet and has a thing for fairy lights.

gimli: historic weaponry is NOT home decor and why the hell would you keep it over your bed. he has to have his own bathroom which he keeps very specifically (the amount of products he uses for his beard is unreasonable). generally tidy, gets weird about organizing things by color and type and would rather you let him do it.

gandalf: hardly a roommate. sometimes you wonder if he still is living with you and then he’ll show up after months of ghosting you with a random horse and a new-differently colored hat. and he will explain more about the hat than the horse. no, gandalf, we can’t keep a horse in the bathroom. our landlord will find out. please shut up about your new hat.

gollum: fresh fish keep being left on your counter on the first of each month. they’re very much someone’s goldfish that keep going missing. once, a parakeet was left in your sink. your lost socks keep reappearing on your couch. sometimes shiny rocks and coins are placed next to your phone at night. four months in there’s a scratching in your walls and this fucker pops out. he’s been living off of your scraps for nearly a year and thinks you two are best friendsies! <3 he tries to plea that he’s being paying rent. someone call the cops. (sam comes over and shoo’s him out with a broom. it’s frodos weird friend from college.)

[howtofightwrite]

What do you think of the squishy wizard trope? Shouldn’t people that travel around and go “adventuring” have some baseline of athleticism?

So, we're back to a game design discussion, again.

The short version is, if it doesn't make sense to you, don't use it.

Squishy wizards are almost more of a gameplay consideration. If you have a game, and you're balancing ranged damage against melee damage, if your ranged damage units do enough damage, you can create a situation where melee damage straight up doesn't work. It's not viable. The 40k meme about the Tau comes to mind: “Sure, they suck in melee; too bad you'll never get there.”

If you tone down ranged unit's damage, that can easily create a situation where they become the ones who are irrelevant. Such was the experience of every level 1 Wizard in AD&D. Once in awhile, you can get into the perfect situation to end an encounter, but most of the time you're just biding your time until you get to level 5 and can learn to accidentally fireball your party's front line, but that is a long time from now.

If ranged units can do a lot of damage, they need to be fragile enough that you can remove them from the board. And the Tau comparison comes back to mind once again.

All of this combines to create a board environment, where melee fighters need to be tanky enough to get into combat and stay there. Ranged units need to be fragile enough that they can remove each other, deal enough damage to harass the melee units, without doing so much damage as to render them completely irrelevant to the board.

And, while you can build a story around that structure, you don't need to.

Gandalf isn't a fragile wizard. He's not some “book nerd,” who spent high school getting shoved into lockers. When the time comes, he goes toe to toe with a Balrog (or, the Balrog, whichever), and doesn't immediately die. He clearly manages to hold his own, in melee combat, with a massive monster. (In fairness, he's also not human. I mean, none of Tolkien's, “the race of men,” are conventionally human, but Middle Earth's Wizards are an entirely different race of beings.)

In a lot of games, solution is to give the frontline fighters a ridiculous amount of health. Now, I'm going to trash on D&D for a second, but consider that a 10th level Fighter should have somewhere around 94 - 114hp. Remember that critical hits represent some kind of significant injury. These are not just blows that connect with your armor and will leave a bruise, this is someone ran you through. Someone could crit on your fighter, with a long sword, and stab them in vital places at least 4, and probably 5 times, before it actually kills them. That's a comical amount of damage someone to suffer. (Now, granted, a 10th level character in D&D is basically a superhero. If you're thinking of Boromir's death in Jackson's Fellowship of the Rings, that is what it takes to put down a relatively high level fighter in D&D. Which is to say, hilarious amounts of abuse.)

If you signed up for that, cool. I'm not going to stop you. I'm not even going to tell you it's wrong. If you want to tear down a super-humanly powerful character through prolonged combat sequences, or due to attrition of multiple fights in quick succession, that works. I mean, hell, that's how DC killed Batman in the 90s.

If your wizard power fantasy is that a wispy intellectual gains cosmic power through hard academic study, cool. Again, that's entirely valid, and as I mentioned, it even fits into a power fantasy. If you were bullied as a teenager for your atypical interests, and habit of reading, here's a character that studies strange and esoteric subjects, and has real power as a result.

At the same time, it's entirely reasonable to have an averagely healthy mage, whether they study magic academically, or have some ingrained talent that they've honed, plop them down next to a veteran swordmaster who's fought in wars on nine continents with the scars to prove it, and while they may look a bit anemic in comparison to their buddy, is still in better shape than the average villager they interact with on a daily basis.

That's where I tend to land in all of this.

When you're creating characters for your writing, it can be helpful to assign them attributes. Now, I don't mean this in the literal RPG stat blocks. (I've tried that a few times, it doesn't really work for me.) But, just a few text descriptors (which, does sound like Fudge, come to think of it.) You might describe your mage as Smart, or Intellectual, Wise (or Absent Minded), Willful. You know, “wizard stuff.” If you describe your warrior as, Strong, Tough, Tenacious, and Cunning, you're not making the wizard squishy, you're making another character less squishy. A lot of the time, we set the base line by what other people are doing. It's reasonable to say your mage is less durable than your soldier. (Unless your mage has a reason to be that tough. Maybe they're from some frozen wasteland, and are just absolutely jacked from surviving in a hostile environment.) But, that comparison doesn't mean that your mage is deficient.

Now, on the other hand, frail characters can be interesting. You're taking out their ability to fight conventionally, so when they do start decisively ending situations, whether that's through their own creativity and guile, or sheer magical power, it can be very gratifying. And, to be clear, I am very fond of flawed characters, especially when they have to work within the framework of their flaws to find solutions, rather than just overcoming them through the power of love, friendship and mescaline.

When handled well, flaws are about creating limitations for how your characters can solve problems. These can also make your story more interesting. If you say, my character can't fight, (and you don't back down from that and just let them cheat so they can fight, because they're so goddamn special), they're going to need to find other solutions. That can result in a better, more interesting, and less predictable story.

-Starke

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[thewulf]

I can't stop thinking about Aragorn, so I am back for more! :)

Could you write something about (fem)reader who's part of the fellowship and really close to Strider? When they split up to find Frodo after Boromir blows the horn, reader goes with Merry and Pippin and gets separated from Strider. After he finds out that the Uruk-hai captured them, he (reasonably) thinks she's dead. Later on (maybe in the forest when they meet Gandalf again) Strider sees her and confesses how much she means to him and that he was terrified he'd never see her again, or something like that.

Feel free to say no or change anything! I just love your Aragorn, so you were my first thought when this idea popped in my head.🤍

First, thank you SO much for your kind words, mean the world to me!!

And second, yes of course I love this! My fav kinda writing, angsty as hell with a heaping scoop of hurt/comfort!

Thank you for the request!

[cygnus-arts]

PLEASE RELEASE THE NOTES ABOUT THE LOTR AU (please 🥲 ?). I am still in renkaza hell/denial

okay this is going to be long and very messy. this is literally pulled directly from my notes app with no editing, so it’s largely incomprehensible, but i hope you enjoy the smattering of quotes and plot elements

lotr au outline

CHAPTER ONE- RIVENDELL ARC

- [x] kaname delivers news of nezuko badly wounded by ringwraiths on the way to rivendell, kyojuro runs to leave

- [x] kyojuro assures senjuro he is coming back and for senjuro to prepare healing stuff “you remember what mother taught us to fend off the darkness”, senjuro watches him ride, windchime blowing with him, “brother, should you know watching you leave has grown harder each time, would you still do so”, “don’t tell father”

- [ ] kyojuro rides out, finds the pair, does the arwen thing and brings nezuko back,

- [ ] ruka flashback #1, showing boys how do elvish healing, kyojuro fails miserably, senjuro excels, shows him healing nezuko, she wakes up

- [ ] senjuro notices how they are the same age and the horror that a child is carrying a ring “they expect you to carry a burden with no knowledge of its weight and no connection to its crimes” “they killed my family to get it, i can’t stop now… besides, where else am i meant to go, how can i live on normally knowing they’ll never get the chance” “you carry a heavy burden, don’t carry the weight of the dead”

- [ ] kyojuro hears people talking and throws open the door, properly introduces himself to nezuko, gifts her senjuro’s unused mithril armor, senjuro looks away, and tells her of the meeting to determine what do to with the ring

- [ ] council of elrond scene, uzui as dwarf tries to flamboyantly destroy the ring, infighting, nezuko declares she will take it, tanjiro declares he’ll go with her, and senjuro is shocked and saddened kyo offers his sword to protect the siblings

- [ ] kyo visits his father, boromir dialogue, shinjuro insists on having the ring with the idea that it will bring strength back to the rengoku’s, and maybe even bring ruka back, our family is a ruined imitation of what it once was

- [ ] kyo and nezuko say their goodbyes to senjuro, all three head out

- [ ] senjuro flashback, cooking with kyo, elven waybread, kyo’s is burnt, he drops flour all over himself, senjuro make extra for his journey knowing this would happen, ruffle hair moment

- [ ] a few shots of traveling through different terrain, cut to them eating the waybread on the road with the pair, kyojuro picks flowers that senjuro uses for healing stuff, “how many did you eat” “4”

- [ ] more on the road shit, nezuko: i wish the ring had never come to me, i wish none of this had happened”, kyojuro: so do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide, all we have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to us. there are other forces at work in this world nezuko, besides the will of evil”

- [ ] kyojuro boromir moment after accidentally touching the ring catching nezuko tripping in the woods, momentarily corrupted (hears the voice of the ring, visibly stops and basically sees the muzan dream scene of a normal life with his family), hand reaches towards the ring, sees nezuko’s expression look just like senjuro’s after hearing his father, and retracts his hand , sees akaza in the distance, steps in front of nezuko, sword raised akaza silhouette

- [ ] ruka flashback #2, promise scene, kyojuro walks in after elven healers can’t do anything to help (she’s human)

- [ ] kyo and akaza fight scene, uses horn to try to call for aid, it’s broken by akaza, (boromir vibes, kyo is gravely injured and buys the pair a chance to run), giyu sees kyojuro fallen, akaza reluctantly leaves dying kyo behind to chase after them

- [ ] kyojuro flashback #1, telling senjuro his plan to live as mortal, encouraging him to do what he thinks he right, “you have a brother who believes in his little brother”

- [ ] rides horse bloodied aragorn style back to nearest settlement, akaza reminisces about the fight and wonders if kyo is still alive

- [ ] shinjuro hears of his sons presumed death, (crow delivers news) senjuro in corner overhears and packs, trans of gender scene, “would you still believe in me if I was someone else”, puts on something of ruka’s design

CHAPTER TWO- ROHAN ARC

- [ ] shinobu treats kyo, with injuries flashing back to kanae’s as narration describes them, mitsuri announces the knights arrival

- [ ] kyojuro wakes up, wild hair! shinobu grills him about why the fuck he is here, kyo reveals the ringwraith, shinobu’s hand curls around her quill

- [ ] iguro, sanemi and other rohirrim return, shinobu and mitsuri conflict “go see their return mitsuri, it’s what you wanted right?” “what i wanted” “men with strength, who knows, maybe they found a wedding band among the corpses”, “i only mentioned their return to get you out of these dungeons. when was the last time you saw the sun shinobu?” “i have a patient, and will promptly have more”

- [ ] kayaga as theoden, corrupted and with his illness, shinobu and his kids try to talk to him of the incoming threat

- [ ] kyojuro while walking as part of his healing overhears the movements of muzan’s forces, vows to aid them

- [ ] akaza visits when curiosity gets the better of him after hearing that a man looking like kyo was seen riding to rohan, displays knowledge of medicine that piques kyo’s interest, rest of the soldiers are out patrolling, so there are no viable people to call

- [ ] kyo challenges akaza’s humanity after offering him to join Muzan, and kyo snaps “what would you know of honor? how many have been left dead in your wake” flashback to the backstory bodies TM but faceless, sounds of rohirrim returning force akaza to flee

- [ ] kyojuro tells shinobu of akaza’s visit, shinobu tells him that as long as he is not able to kill akaza, it’s best to use him for information, “the lands of mordor and their weapons have been unknown except for their capacity for slaughter”

- [ ] senjuro rides out of rivendell, flashback of training and her remarking on her lack of dexterity, orc attack that she narrowly survives when rohhirim arrive and see the very obvious family resemblance

- [ ] sanemi and senjuro talk about what she’s doing out here, telling her kyo’s alive, sanemi vulnerable moment thinking about genya

- [ ] butterfly triplets/kanao doing laundry sees rohhirim return, run to find shinobu who is pouring over tomes about the kingdom of the dead and the ringwraiths

- [ ] sanemi enters the hall and yells to kyojuro very bluntly sen is here, reunion scene, sanemi and kocho stand and watch to the side

- [ ] akaza returns as kyojuro is outside building stamina, he stops and puts sword against his neck, akaza’s calls him out when his ribs start straining him, asks why an elf would be so insistent on battle, “do you often visit those you’ve injured” “you’re the first to have survived”, “then why not kill me now?” “kyojuro you should see your potential, the things you could achieve if you just abandoned these foolish tethers, don’t you want to be strong?” “and are you? strong, in any way but physical?” “why would i need anything else” “a pitiful existence you live” “save your pity for those who want it kyojuro”

- [ ] senjuro notices kayaga and offers to try and heal him, the corruption fades, but the illness remains

- [ ] kyojuro asks why akaza wants to get stronger, patented no memory distant stare, akaza asks kyojuro why he would give up immortality, tells of his promise to ruka, “to love is to loose”, “it is true that love is mingled with grief, but i would choose it all the same”

- [ ] akaza warns kyojuro of an attack on rohan, “you would tell your enemy of muzan’s attack” “there is no honor in slaughter against civilians, it’s underhanded” “when” “a days time” “will you be apart of it” “i am ordered to” “then i suppose you shall get the fight you have been seeking”

- [ ] retreat to helms deep, but gets ambushed on the way

- [ ] fight scene, mitsuri protects kocho who is frustrated at her lack of strength, akaza, basic orcs plus some extra demon moons, akaza sees kyojuro fighting alongside kanao, protecting her and sen, akaza sees a sneak attack towards them and blocks the arrow, kyojuro looks stunned, akaza calls for a retreat

- [ ] they arrive at helms deep, kyojuro contemplates why akaza would stop a fight

- [ ] akaza punishment scene

- [ ] shinobu telling mitsuri how she hates being weak, and how she wishes she was like kanae. mitsuri talks about how ostracized she felt for being strong, “i never felt like a proper girl, like i was just a boy in a dress who wanted to escape war, it seems that our actual abilities aren’t the problem shinobu, we’d feel defeated either way.” “your strength was never a fault” “neither was yours”

- [ ] kanao discovers shinobu’s plan, shinobu recounts how she figured out she was ilsidurs heir, “it’s funny isn’t it, that the fate of men lies in the hands of a girl who can’t even wield a sword”

- [ ] “what’s this, a soldier outside a keeps walls? we’re you waiting for me?” “i’m simply not used to being trapped in stone” kyojuro waits outside the walls of helms deep for akaza, akaza asks where kyojuro is from, “rivendell”kyojuro confessing to akaza that he doesn’t know how to fix his home and that it feels like cowardice to leave, “you’ve done all you can, the minds and hearts of others are not so easily changed” and asks akaza why he is so insistent on leaving mordor and the other orcs, “i won’t be leaving them for long, muzan will strike here soon” “will you fight for him?” “i was built to” “you were built as fodder, too many of our men may die at the hands of war, but at least we are given funerals when there are bodies left and thrown flowers before we face battle. orcs have no tombs” “you sound like you’re asking me to stay” “would you say yes” “it’s not that easy, in making me, i am bound to him” “you were human once, weren’t you? you were not always bound” “i can’t go back. i don’t want to be weak again” “i see” “let’s fight kyojuro (peace offering)

- [ ] they fight, akaza knocks kyo’s sword out of his hand, kyo does his best to fight back. akaza remakes on his skill and offers critique, “show me” “you’re asking an orc to teach you?” “you are the best bare fisted combatant i have faced! it’s a tactical choice” “okay tactician, arms up”

- [ ] they finish sparring, akaza leaves by telling kyojuro men have 2 days to prepare, kyojuro sees akaza leave and runs to tell the peeps

RANDOM MOMENTS:

kyojuro teaching akaza elvish 😭😭😭

kyo gives akaza the light of the valor necklace and it allows akaza to survive muzans pinishment

arwen scene of seeing her child, but it’s kyo seeing akaza as human

KYOJURO ABLE TO DO THR ARWEN DREAM TBINH TO AKAZA

“do orcs sleep?”

“we have no need to”

“you should try!”

“why kyojuro, so i’m easier to slay?”

“because it is enjoyable and a reprieve”

sanemi and iguro like legolas and gimli compare kill counts

shinobu as isildors heir?? her not fully understanding, but kanae telling her stories of family with great quests and full of rangers and knowing about natural poisons through that

shinobu screaming into the city for her sister, asking her to come back because she promised to always be there and thus broke her oath, she sees kanae and starts to walk towards her, but hears kanao grabbed by the ghost soldiers, turns after a moments hesitation to save her living sister rather than chasing ghosts

douma targets kanae because muzan knows that living heir, but not shinobu

pieces it together with her frantic research, develops poison because even with the blood of a king she is not strong enough to wield his sword

having to journey to the kingdom of the dead, whispers and fleeting glimpses of kanae,

kyokui, keizo, akaza’s father also there, renkaza separated from the kocho siblings, parallel scene of both kocho and akaza reaching out towards dead loved ones

climax of story: fight to distract muzan from tanjiro and nezuko, shinobu leading army of dead men, her and mitsuri defeating douma, renkaza fighting together and getting separated, akaza having to confront kokushibo or muzan,

getting kyo into mordor??

maybe using akaza as a way into mordor to sabotage muzan/gain intel/protect nezuko and tanjiro

- [ ] walking through pompeii’d town- keizo couldn’t move himself and kyoki fast enough given her health/ money

- [ ] DOUMA AS HEAD RINGWRAITH “no man can kill me”, kocho “i am no man”

- [ ] akaza showing kyo how to fight hand to hand >>>>

- [ ] hakuji flashback of running back to keizo and kyoki only to be buffeted by ash and see muzan in the middle of the cloud

“Akaza doesn’t understand how he can still love someone who has so clearly hurt him. It feels like self inflicted punishment, like kyojuro is resigning himself to a task he didn’t even want in the first place”- IS THIS HOW AKAZA THINKS HIS FATHER KYOKI AND KEIZO VIEWED HIM

keeping iguro and mitsuri friendship, they eat meals together

giyuu brings nezuko and tanjiro to rivendell

uzui as gimli type character, dwarf

zenitsu and inosuke as merry and pip

muichiro as legolas (spacey and a bit strange)

kyo as aragorn type

tamayo as gandalf/galladriel type, uses her blood dripped into the bowl for her prophetic magic

mitsuri fights with kyo

shinobu as eowyn type character, also fights with kyo “you’d inject yourself with poison to see him dead” “war will make corpses of us all”

shinomitsu!!! shinobu encourages her to not hide her strength

“there are people who already value your strength”

iguro and sanemi as rohhirim riders

shinobu and kanao scene of kanao discovering shinobus whole poison plot, kanao uses sign language

other ringwraiths are made of ice like doumas blood demon art

TRANS GIRL SENJURO, “i do not wish for an eternity of falsehoods”, putting on clothes very similar to ruka (maybe same headdress) before leaving after hearing of kyojuros death, her dying her hair black to match ruka, also she has chronic fatigue

“you are fodder, too many of our men may die at the hands of war, but at least we are given funerals when there are bodies left and thrown flowers before we face battle. orcs have no tombs”- kyo to akaza

nakime’s eye and infinity castle archecture as eye of sauron

rui as shelob

[lesbiansforboromir]

I just want you to know that while I am still a Shadow of War fan (and prob always will be tbh - mostly bc I think Talion's powers are interesting), originally I was "eh, they exist" where Boromir and Denethor are concerned, but you have turned me into a fan and I'm rewriting part of a fanfic I've been working on for 3 years to reflect this new reality. also I love your tolkien meta pls never ever stop

Mx Asker I have been delightedly watch you trawl through every inch of my lotr tags for three days now and it's brought me no end of joy and I AM EVEN MORE delighted to hear I've changed minds, send me the fanfic when you're done!! I mean hell, is it the worst tolkien adaptation by a country mile? Yes. Did I still 100% both games and very much enjoy myself? Also yes, you're so right the whole concept is almost agonisingly cool they should have hired me to write the plot tho like I would have fixed it all I tell you I WOULD HAVE.

[seyaryminamoto]

Sheesh! Azulon is such a spoiled brat, huh? 🤣

... Yes. He is.

Ngl, I rewatched LOTR's trilogy over the past three days and I was surprised by something in it that I immediately connected to Azulon. I've never seen anyone else draw this parallel with LOTR, instead I only ever see people in the fandom constantly comparing Azulon, intentionally or not, with Tywin Lannister.

... as far as I'm concerned, Azulon is Denethor. Full stop.

Even if you want to think the guy loved his firstborn? He was a twisted, pissy asshole who wanted to cling to power at all costs, that above all else, and his "beloved" son was his best means to achieve that. Hell, I'd argue Azulon wouldn't even be likely to have the "last minute awakening" that Denethor did regarding Faramir... but Denethor's behavior over Boromir is 100% the same as Azulon's over Iroh. "Oh, my perfect, glorious, wonderful son who can get everything right, and whose useless brother can't ever measure up to! I'm going to idealize you and give you all the privileges and glorious missions and pretend you could've achieved anything, while he was worth less than the dirt under your feet!"

So, yes, the way I write Azulon is so much closer to Denethor, specifically in terms of how he treats his family, than to Tywin Lannister and all the fandom's attempts to rationalize and justify his treatment of Ozai, all be it because "baby killed my wife". Worth noting? There's no solid evidence of that: Ilah is as good as a non-character, nobody knows what kind of relationship he had with her, Azulon very well could have used her as a brooding mare and nothing more, for all we know... but along with this? A bastard of Azulon's caliber, who helmed the Fire Nation's war for THE LONGEST PERIOD out of all three canon Fire Lords, does not need any greater excuses to treat his second-born like trash, much like Denethor didn't. :')

Of course, I take Azulon a bit further than most people by depicting his insecurities over his newborn granddaughter... I think there's no logical explanation for him to overlook Azula and be as unaffected by her as he's shown to be in Zuko Alone's flashback. She's a prodigy, she should be a useful weapon for him, at the very least...! And he's completely unconcerned with her. He actually shows more reaction to Zuko than he does to Azula. Hmm. Makes ya wonder, huh? :')

So yeah, I think there are many layers to how twisted Azulon is. Dude really took things to a whole other level of BS and kept doing it until the very end. Fandom can call me crazy as much as it cares to, but I don't think any grandfather who demands for the death of his grandson as a punishment for his second son's impertinence should EVER be given the "benefit of the doubt", or granted any excuses for this behavior just because Ozai was a shitty human being. Ozai sure was one: and he learned exactly how to be that way from daddy dearest himself :')

[maul-of-shame]

Do you know about John Boorman's terrible LOTR script that was never made into a movie ONLY because it would be too expensive? Well, in it, you have Boromir who decides to kiss Galadriel without her consent, and then Galadriel sleeps with Frodo upon meeting him and is then "diminished", but Frodo becomes "superior" to her.

Thank god that never happened; it is a massive divergence from the books, and it mistreats Galadriel as a character, but it was almost a movie.

So, the people who are horrified at the Elrondriel possibility within the show are simply ridiculous. Celeborn is not fleshed out enough in the lore to be scandalized on his behalf, why aren't they considering Galadriel's feelings and wellbeing in all of this? Elrond is RIGHT THERE, and the show has NOT explicitly explained the Elven custom of marriage, so let's see.

With the timeline compression, it'd make sense to omit both Celeborn and Celebrían. There is no time to stop the storylines to insert these NPC characters in after two seasons.

The Elves will have to fight Sauron's army, Sauron will have to distribute the Nine, he will have to forge the One ring too, you have Gandalf who will have to fight the Dark Wizard in Rhûn, throw in Tom Bombadil and the Harfoots trying to find a safe place (I don't like them, but they're there so what can we do), and of course there's the huge sordid drama in Númenor, and Ar-Pharazôn might even capture Sauron at the end of season 3 and bring him there. Oh yeah and Pelargir I guess.

Where the hell could they fit Celeborn? In season 4? Why the hell should I even care about him by then?

THANK YOU ANON!!!!!

I had no idea about that Boorman script, and honestly, now that I do, I’m torn between horrified and absolutely dying of laughter???🤣🤣🤣

I mean, really? Boromir kissing Galadriel without her consent? And then Frodo and Galadriel’s weird, off-the-charts "thing"????? WHO WROTE THAT- 😭 I think I’m going to need a moment to recover from the sheer madness of that plot. It’s like someone some random tropes in a romance novel and then thought, “Yeah, let’s do that to Galadriel!” But hey, thank the Valar it never happened—imagine the outrage if that came to life on screen!

Now, as for the "Celeborn come back" Brigade, I’m honestly starting to think they’re the ones who are in some kind of fever dream.

It's wild how they're acting like their marriage is the one at stake here.

They’re acting like Celeborn is the one who’s been wronged, when—let’s be honest—Galadriel isn’t even looking for him.

She’s over here, facing bigger challenges and dealing with Sauron, and they’re like, “But… but… Celeborn!” It’s honestly like these people would die on the hill of a marriage that’s barely been touched upon in the show. You’d think Celeborn was the main character at this point! Like, calm down, people, Galadriel’s priorities are a little bit more pressing right now than running off to find her "long-lost husband". But no, they’re acting like they need to send out a rescue party for him and force Galadriel to reunite with him at all costs, as if that’s her "only storyline in life".

And let’s be real here—when you take into account everything going down in the show, what is going to happen, where exactly are they planning on fitting Celeborn into all this? Seriously, with the epic stakes and chaos, you want to wedge in a character who, let’s be honest, has barely mattered in the lore so far?

It’d be like slamming on the brakes for a two-seasons or something detour to give Celeborn a little cameo. They’d have to put the whole storyline on pause just to reintroduce him—and for what?

A plotline that people are somehow obsessed with when they could just be letting Galadriel, a strong character in her own right, get her own focus?

Because somehow, "Galadriel is only valid when her husband is there"?

By season four, who’s even going to care about Celeborn? Galadriel's kicking butt and taking names, and suddenly, it’s like, “Oh, hey, here’s this guy, Celeborn, and, uh, he’s here for… reasons?” Nah. Let’s be honest, everyone would just roll their eyes, and then they’ll try to act like it was the most important plot twist of all time, when, in reality, it would be the most awkward thing they’ve ever tried to squeeze into an already packed show.

And the real kicker? The man who’s actually been here for ages and done all the heavy lifting, making significant contributions to Middle-earth’s history?

Elrond.

The guy who’s been around since the very beginning, working hard to save lives, wielding wisdom, and straight-up fighting to protect the world... that is the guy people need to start respecting.

But instead, what do we see? People acting like Celeborn is some kind of mythical god who’s been lurking in the shadows, waiting to be crowned the ruler of Galadriel’s heart. Like, no, sorry, Elrond’s been right here, for real, doing all the work, but we’re going to pretend Celeborn is the one who matters? It’s honestly like they’ve got Celeborn up on some imaginary pedestal, and anyone who dares acknowledge the incredible Elrond is suddenly a villain in this love triangle.

Newsflash, folks: Galadriel isn’t waiting for Celeborn, and Elrond’s been holding it down since the start, and it’s time we give the man some credit.

It’s like they want to erase Elrond’s entire arc to push Celeborn onto a pedestal that has no business being there. But hey, go ahead and keep acting like that’s going to fly.

[aprillikesthings]

YOOOOO IT'S MY WEEKEND and I have eaten dinner and it is time for MORE SHE-RA

yayyyy

OH GOD we're getting into the really good shit btw

if I manage not to do a marathon of these it'll be a gd miracle

Usual reminder: this is a REwatch and there's spoilers ahoy, I make a lot of bad jokes, I reference other cartoons

s4 ep10 fractures

okay before we get started

ahahah

I've given in. I'm gonna cosplay Catra. >_< wish me luck, I'm aiming for some kinda loosely post-canon thing, in part because there's no hiding my age at this point, except via like, photoshop pfft

side note the place I was looking at that makes custom fangs based on dental impressions is usually a month and change out, and the con I want to wear this to is in mid-April. *GROAN*

I have tried the cheap ones they don't stay on D:

OKAY

Dialogue is Double Trouble. Why are you even in the room??

oh it's a truth-telling spell lol

(it didn't work)

LOLOL the disbelief in Double Trouble's voice. "Can she do that?"

oh my GOD (yes it's Double Trouble)

but their Adora looks like Johnny Bravo aaahaha

Double Trouble does blow a raspberry at Shadow Weaver, tho, so they're forgiven

Adora explains the Heart of Etheria Project

Shadow Weaver: oooh we can use this to our advantage Me: okay Boromir but NO

nO

Adora's about to blow a fuse, but I would be, too! Like what part of "the planet could explode" is fucking difficult

Meanwhile, Catra is watching porn video feeds of places the Horde has taken

and thinks she spots someone!!!

(she hasn't, and she makes a sad little face when she realizes)

yeah she's being a bitch but also her deranged little face is great

OR EVERYONE COULD DIE. THERE'S ALSO THAT.

YAYYYY

does anyone else remember the old video "what your fave she-ra ship says about you"? this was made just after s4 actually. anyway I'm remembering it because it includes the line "you just want good things for Scorpia. and really, who wouldn't?"

Daci and I, for a while, couldn't stop quoting the ContraPoints clip used early on to reference "The inherent eroticism of the sea."

"MMmmm yeah. Don't you wanna just...get in there?"

It's a really funny video (I am called out SEVERAL TIMES) and the channel did a bunch of similar videos for other shows.

(also looking at the home page of the channel, she's a she now!!!! HELL YEAH)

Anyway everyone is surprised to see Scorpia :D

And their initial reaction is Not Good D:

the poor thing accidentally stuns Perfuma (...oh god that'S HILARIOUS knowing later stuff)

well that stops Adora in her tracks

back in the Fright Zone, Catra thinks she hears Scorpia's laugh and again is visibly relieved before realizing she's wrong

babygirl you need some rest (and so do your soldiers), you are getting paranoid and hearing things

so what, you're going to torture the rest of the soldiers who haven't left????

(I understand why she does the things she does but I still want to shake some sense into her)

JUST GET SOME GD SLEEP

she tries to call Double Trouble, but they don't answer

I want to give her a hug. But also shake some sense into her.

Another one to add to my "cartoon bondage" collection, as one does. But Perfuma is clearly a little smitten, though: she smiles as she walks away and makes a flower grow in the vines, awwwww

okay oh my GOD okay Scorpia's dialogue is KILLING ME i am CACKLING

"Wow...Yeah, but just-- Shadow Weaver. And at Bright Moon. Everything is making so much sense about why Catra's been acting the way she has."

Adora goes wide-eyed at Catra's name, Shadow Weaver looks at her, and then Adora looks away, pissed off.

like I was saying: SMITTEN

Anyway Scorpia explains why she wants to go find/save Entrapta, who's on Beast Island, and:

bahaha

they relate various stories about the horrors of Beast Island and Shadow Weaver insists they're nicer than the actual place, it's starting to sound like some bad joke about Etheria's version of Australia

I mean also you should go get her because she shouldn't be stuck there but okay

They all decide to go to Beast Island to rescue Entrapta but Glimmer is having NONE of it

Glimmer: "Adora, have you ever heard of anyone coming back from Beast Island? Do you even know where it is?"

I mean, good points, but

aaaugh

Bow: "There's an unstable mass of magic in the middle of the planet. Everyone's at risk unless we can get Entrapta to shut it down."

OKay I'm not typing up the whole damn episode you can read the transcript if you really want to, lol they argue about this for a bit longer, Glimmer even recommends they ask Light Hope how to use it even though that's a terrible idea, Glimmer tries to appeal to Bow but Bow is on Adora's side on this one

oh honey, no

She tries to order Bow and Adora to stay in the castle and not leave

Scorpia's "prison cell" is a very nice spare room. Perfuma brings her a salad and Scorpia doesn't recognize it as food immediately, the poor thing has only ever had ration bars.

Frosta: "It's not a sleepover!!! Perfuma: ":D I'll get pillows, brb!"

But then Frosta asks about her pincers with genuine interest and makes ones for herself out of ice...and Scorpia starts to cry

;_;

;_;

GO. TO. BED. oh my god

I RAN OUT OF IMAGES fhghgh okay gonna reblog

[criticalrolo]

1 & 6 for the hater asks?

the character everyone gets wrong

I already wrote my caduceus thesis for this answer, so someone else I think everyone gets wrong is Faramir. Like yes, he is amazing and pure and wonderful and everyone should love him. Part of him being such a good character is that he is 100% the Younger Brother Who Picks Fights With Dad and will simply do What He Wants, Fuck What People Say About It. He argues with Denethor ALL the time and you just know that Boromir was STRESSING in the background trying to smooth things over when they were younger. Like -- Faramir is NOT a pushover, he's obstinate as hell and WILL dig his heels in if he thinks something is a bad idea, and by that point it's going to be impossible to convince him to do something he doesn't want to do. "Oh your life will be forfeit if you let Frodo go" "THEN LET IT BE FORFEIT" He's going to kiss Eowyn on the roof where everyone can see him and he doesn't care about the gossip at ALL. Stop making him so fucking soft and demure and let him be the stubborn bitch he is in canon!! ugh I love him so much

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

by the end of c2 I was annoyed with every ship's fans I think. geralt/jaskier shippers have made me want to jump off a roof a few times over from just dipping my toes into netflix witcher content. i have THOUGHTS about the absolute state of shipping in mdzs but that's an entire other paragraph about how truly insane the various interpretations of the story are on this godforsaken website. mostly I think I just find a lot of people super into shipping annoying LKJSDJFLSSFJ

[tathrin]

For context, said fic is a Lord of the Rings AU where Aragorn dies in Moria with Gandalf (has this been written eight thousand times before? Surely it must have been but I've yet to see one), and the Fellowship is left to stumble on without either of their obvious leaders. I have it almost fully written up to almost all the way down the Anduin, and then I have no notes at all about wtf was supposed to happen next.

(Because of course I stopped right before the First Main Difficult Decision Point, thus leaving current me up a creek with no paddle haha great I screwed myself over but in a way that's a pun so that's fine I guess.)

Anyway it is clearly going to be a disaster if I do try and write more, because canon-divergence LotR fic is a HUGE pile of canon and continuity trouble and plotting agony and I remember absolutely NONE of my intentions from the ten or fifteen years ago idea I had when I started this story haha help. (No seriously, help?)

Also it's extremely heavy on direct-excerpts-but-tweaked-by-circumstance sections which is just...so exhausting to write. So I'm probably going to switch away from that when (if) I get to the new chapters? Although that's less relevant. And is providing that I can figure out what the hell those new chapters are even going to contain...

Other than that I think it was supposed to be very Boromir-focused, which is a character I never write anything for AT ALL, so weird choice past me?? Anyway if you have thoughts on the possible storyline even if you don't have an opinion to vote with I would very much appreciate hearing them.

Or if you just want to laugh at my pain that's cool too, actually. I am.

[hacash]

I posted 9,578 times in 2022

296 posts created (3%)

9,282 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@boasamishipper

@meyerlansky

@exlibrisfangirl

@sweetlyfez

@jammeke

I tagged 9,556 of my posts in 2022

#hee! - 593 posts

#*snert* - 577 posts

#important stuff - 542 posts

#art - 520 posts

#cackling - 504 posts

#fangirl problems - 447 posts

#lotr - 427 posts

#ted lasso - 379 posts

#words of wisdom - 355 posts

#stranger things - 350 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#i will be honest…after two years of lockdown cooped up in a tiny flat with a preschooler i would be hustling that kid out first chance i got

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

honestly I’m not trying to insult my American followers when I say that it’s a crying shame that tumblr is so US-centric at times, because so many of you are missing out on comedy gold here right now. our own Car Boot Sale Donald Trump is being slowly but surely cannibalised by his own party and the woman who he replaced as PM turned up to vote him out in a full-on ballgown and glittery heels: not even Trump produced this much petty, vicious drama.

730 notes - Posted June 6, 2022

#4

Best response that I’ve seen on to this situation so far: ‘do you think…people wanted to vote for Ukraine…and just stopped at UK…’

1,369 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

#3

when people talk about writing ‘the next Lord of the Rings’ they think it’s all about the wars and the languages and the histories, and Aragorn brooding in the corner of an inn and the Balrog roaring in Moria and the ruins of Isengard, and that’s how we got Game of Thrones and several dozen cheap fantasy knock-offs every year, not to mention whatever nonsense the Amazon show is going to produce

but Tolkien’s wars and languages and histories stemmed from his love of creating - of words and history and mythos - and that love infuses into everything he writes, and if you miss that then there’s no way in hell you can replicate it

and the people who want to write the next Lord of the Rings because they want to write the next epic don’t get that the story is about the hobbits’ soft and simple lives and Bilbo’s poetry and Sam’s love language being food and Eowyn discovering hope after depression and Gandalf making fireworks for hobbits even if he is a literal angelic being, and Aragorn weeping over Boromir’s body and Theoden’s kindness to Merry, and Beregond betraying his most prized orders to save Faramir, and the unlikely friendship between Gandalf and Pippin, and the even unlikelier friendship between Legolas and Gimli, and Sam and Frodo singing to each other in Mordor, and Boromir sacrificing himself for the hobbits, and Sam’s simple love for Rosie, and the restoration of the Shire, and the friendship of the Fellowship surviving down through the ages, and peace after war and hope in darkness, and the love between a gardener and a gentleman pacifist being literally the only thing that saves Middle Earth

and that is why people who try to recreate Lord of the Rings by starting with war always get it wrong. you have to start with the love, or it’s nothing: just another empty history

13,284 notes - Posted February 18, 2022

#2

also there’s no pithy, Tumblr-friendly way of simultaneously saying ‘Rishi Sunak being a man of colour doesn’t let him off the hook for the crappy Tory policies he’ll undoubtedly install’

and ‘the left needs to make sure that their criticism of Rishi Sunak does not veer into racism because directing racism at Tories does not make said racism acceptable’ 

and ‘Britain having its first British Asian PM is a big freaking deal and is going to be significant to Brits of colour across the political spectrum’ 

and 'the fact that Rishi Sunak has not been elected by the general public in such a time of political upheaval is just plain appalling, ‘mandate from the people’ my arse’

but that doesn’t mean it isn’t all true

15,923 notes - Posted October 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

why is this so funny, I’ve been wheezing for half an hour straight now

47,335 notes - Posted November 22, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

-

that damn goncharov post is the bane of my life; it sets of my damn notes all the hours that god sends and it isn't even mine

[scyllas-revenge]

@emilybeemartin i love you 💜💜💜 at this point I feel like I should be paying you to draw these. The half updo thing he’s got going on?? Amazing. The scale between feral and blindingly majestic is just perfect.

I’m also curious now if you think Boromir trims his beard once he starts traveling with the fellowship. I can’t decide if he’s more the type to let all hygiene out the window when he’s on the road or if he’d desperately cling to a semblance of dignity at all costs lol.

(and now I’m off on a tangent about beards 😂 would the hobbits think his beard is cool? Would Gimli think it’s lame as hell and give him advice on how to grow it long enough to braid it? Would Legolas do that thing where you tuck a strand of your hair over your upper lip and pretend to have a mustache bc he’s feeling left out? Help I can’t stop thinking about them all just hanging out and being idiots)

@scyllas-revenge GIRL ONE OF MY PASSIONS IS EXPLORING THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL TOLLS OF A CHARACTER'S JOURNEY ON THEIR OUTWARD APPEARANCE

Boromir Lives AU: The Stylist's Continuity Sheet

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

She’s the Man (Fellowship x Disguised as Boy! Reader)

Requested by anon

Warnings: mentions of domestic/sexual assault, nudity, awkward public bathing. Might trigger a gender identity crisis in some of you folks, but don’t worry, join the club—we’re getting jackets made.

Synopsis: after having run away from your noble family and horrid husband, you cut your hair short and start dressing like a boy, presenting yourself as one throughout all of Middle-earth. This becomes hard, though, as you start travelling with the Fellowship, where they start to suspect something is up with their young “boy” comrade.

Restrictions, restrictions, restrictions—that’s all you’ve ever known. You first noticed the tight chains on your soul when you were five, when your mother forbade you from playing with the local stable-hands.

You next noticed it when you were ten, being forced to wear tight corsets to shape your body before it even began blooming.

The final nail in the coffin, however, was when you turned fifteen, and were married off to a local, and quite old tradesman.

Though he dealt in silken fabrics, he was anything but smooth or soft. The night of your wedding was painful in all regards, for at fifteen you weren’t even sure if you were allowed to remove the tight corset during the act.

Five years more of total misery accompanied you, as you were forced to attend noble banquets and celebrations.

You encountered a wide range of people, from the likes of Denethor and his two sons, to the sickly Rohan King. Of course, they did not encounter you, for you were not allowed to speak unless spoken to, which was rare.

The two sons of Denethor and King Théoden’s own son, Théodred, as well as his two cousins, Eowyn and Eomer, were the only ones to initiate conversation with you.

You quickly realized they were better-spirited than their parents, but didn’t have the chance to explore more. A tight grip on your wrist from your husband silenced you, as he tore you away from the circle of new acquaintances quickly.

That night, life in your guestroom with your husband was a living hell, as he reminded you whom exactly you belonged to.

That was the night you snapped.

Bruised and sore, you wept into your sheets. Your husband had long-gone to drink more wine at the party, leaving his young wife alone in a state of mess.

It was around the third hour of crying that you studied the tapestry on the wall above your bed. With hair wettened by your tears clinging to your puffy cheeks, you ran your reddened eyes along the art.

It depicted a strong soldier atop a horse, riding into battle. A sword was drawn, and his short hair flowing in the wind behind him.

Subconsciously, you reached up to your own hair, long in length—your husband’s desire—and pulled on it.

As mounted in every room, two swords crossed each other over a shield, making a pretty decoration above the mantle.

Looking between the bruises inside your thighs, the tapestry and the sword, your jaw quickly set. Your eyes hardened, as you threw the sheets off your frame and stalked towards the mantle.

Glancing over your shoulder, you ensured no one was entering your room. With an emotional mind made up, you removed both swords from the shield.

Hastily, you used one to bar the door shut, and walked to the centre of the room with the other. With no candlelight around, you knelt on the fur rug under a square beam of moonlight, which poured in through the bedroom windows.

You looked at your reflection in the sword, and studied the state of your misery. Despising your parents, your husband and your life, you quickly put the sword to your hair.

With only a second to build the courage, you sliced all long locks from your head, springing forward a boyish look—instantly freeing yourself from your lifelong chains.

Breathing heavily in shock, you looked at the clump of hair on the floor, and picked it up. One hand ran through your now very short locks, and the other fingered the cut clump.

However, shocked breaths soon turned into joyous laughter, as your chest swelled with pride and your eyes watered.

Standing up swiftly, you ran towards the bathroom and opened the drawers. Finding a pair of scissors, you got to work and began styling your hair further.

Soon, you were left looking like a boy, by Middle-earth’s human standards. Your hair barely scraped the nape of your neck at the back, and in front, you had a fringe swooping to one side.

Grinning brightly, and now on a roll, you ran back to the mantle. Opening your husband’s drawers, you quickly discarded your nightgown and slipped his tunic on.

Shrugging the loose fit over your form, you secured it with a thick brown belt, trousers and used your own boots.

Studying yourself in the mirror, you realized this must be how you would’ve looked if born a boy, and you were surprised within yourself over liking it.

Throwing your clump of cut hair into the fire, you soon began tying sheets together. That night, you escaped down the window and fled the city atop a stolen horse, riding towards your new life.

Five years passed by, and you had been on the run ever since. Life was never easy for you, but at least now you were calling the shots.

You had taken to your new life as a boy, like a duck to water, presenting yourself as the rather quiet and distant “Arlo”.

You kept your head down and worked hard wherever you went, whether as a blacksmith’s apprentice, baker’s boy or stablehand.

Your most favourite part of the road, however, was learning to use a sword. With a book stolen from a library and five years’ worth of nights to practice, you had become quite skilled. The spite drove you forward.

You vowed no one would ever best you in combat again, pushing you harder every day. Your best friend and only companion was your horse, Paxton, and together the two of you explored Middle-earth to its very ends.

Along your travels, you had taken to competing in swordfight competitions, where you earned most of your cash. Swindling them, you presented yourself as a weak and frail boy, but in the end ultimately beat them all.

You gained a reputation quickly, and were slightly infamous for your swordsman skills, despite being so small.

It was this reputation that led you to Elrond’s secret council in Rivendell.

Your eyes had gone wide in alarm upon entering the petal-strewn area—where the council was set to be held—for Boromir, one of Denethor’s sons, was there.

You almost turned and ran, but he caught your eye quickly. You didn’t know whether or not to avoid his gaze, but that would bring about suspicion.

He instead smiled warmly at you, and thought nothing of your appearance. You nodded back tightly, and took your seat far away from him.

You ended up sitting next to an elf, for you knew their gender worked differently from yours. He himself looked a little girlish, so you believed he’d think nothing of your appearance.

He studied you with a side-glance as you sat down, and nodded curtly. You clenched your jaw and nodded back, moving your eyes forwards again.

You discreetly let out a sigh of relief, as you found the coast to be clear. No one figured you to be a girl.

Soon, Elrond joined the council. You felt your breath hitch in your throat, as you realized his puzzled eyes lingered on you a little too long.

Worried he’d rat you out, you looked away. Knitting his brows, Elrond slowly tore his eyes away from you, and began the council.

Long story-short, you had been invited to participate on a dangerous quest, all food and expenses paid for. Unable to pass up such a good opportunity for you and your horse, you reluctantly agreed, offering your sword to the hobbit sworn to carrying Sauron’s ring.

The first few nights you kept to yourself, as an awkward air befell the Fellowship—none really knowing each other nor knowing how to interact.

Very quickly, cliques formed.

The hobbits kept to each other in a pack, Gandalf joining them. Aragorn and Legolas joined forces, and Boromir, Gimli and yourself found ranks in solitude.

However, this was not to last forever.

Boromir had attempted many times to strike up conversation with you, as besides Aragorn, you were the only other “man” there.

You kept it short and courteous, but made it apparent very quickly to everyone there that you were in no position to begin friendships. This was a job to you—nothing more, nothing less.

That still did not stop anyone from trying, though. After Boromir, Gimli was next. The topic of the night around the campfire was “women”, as they all discussed their perfect partner.

The conversation divided the group in half, over those choosing to go more physical in nature a direction, and the other half preferring emotions.

Gimli laughed heartily and elbowed you in the shoulder. “Forget this lot, eh? I bet you and I are exactly alike, laddie! Thick thighs and body hair all over! Am I right?”

Laughing nervously, you rubbed at the back of your neck. “Uh…not really…”

He blinked up at you in surprise for a moment, before shrugging his shoulders and pressing on in the conversation. Legolas studied you from across the fire, and made a mental note of your words.

Later on, when you were all setting up your rugs, Legolas approached you. He crouched down by your side and began helping to unroll your pack.

You recoiled from him slightly, and stared up in alarm. He looked back down at you briefly with a tight-lipped smile, and spoke.

“I agree with you from earlier,” he said. “I believe partnership should be about romance and emotions, not physical acts. How about you, mellon nin? Have a lady waiting back at home for you?”

You sputtered up at the prince, before averting your eyes and rolling your pack out faster. “No, I…uh, that’s not really my area…”

Legolas knitted his brows for a moment in confusion, before his lips parted in sudden understanding.

“Oh. Oh! Well, um…do you have a gentleman waiting back at home for you, then?”

Snapping your eyes up at him once more, you flushed.

“No! No! I, look—I’m really kinda tired.” You made a show of yawning loudly. “And I think I just wanna get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning, though…brother?”

Legolas blinked down at you a few times, before speaking and rising to his legs. “Oh! Uh, sure…that’s no hassle. Rest well…brother?”

“Will do,” you drew out, laying down.

He threw a glance over his shoulder at you, before walking away. He caught Aragorn’s eye as he walked past, with the ranger sat there puffing away on his pipe.

They both tightened their lips, looked away and raised their brows, figuring you were just a moody boy.

The most awkward situation of all, however, came a few weeks later. Having managed to sneak away from the Fellowship, you found a nice river, of which you could bathe in.

Paxton followed suit, keeping your towel wrapped over his saddle. He snorted in worry as you began to undress, revealing your body to the running river.

“It’s fine,” you laughed, girlishly. Your voice had returned to its normal pitch, for the first time in a long time. “Just because I’m pretending to be a boy as I travel with them, doesn’t mean I have to smell like one!”

Paxton snorted, and you knew he was telling you to hurry.

“All right, all right,” you laughed again, stepping into the water. You hugged your chest as you dipped below, submerging yourself fully.

Rising again, you exhaled a sigh of relief, and began washing the grime from your hair and face.

You were only in there for so long, however, for soon boyish laughter came from up the forested incline.

“Out of the way!” Pippin called, stripping off his clothes.

“No! You move!” Merry shouted back, also stripping down.

Behind them both, was the rest of the entire Fellowship, save for Gandalf.

Your eyes grew wide in alarm, as you watched them all meet the river’s bank. They then began undressing—Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Legolas and the hobbits included.

Soon, they each all jumped into the water, splashing one another and laughing loudly. You found a large boulder within the river nearby, and swam behind it.

Peeking out from the side, you watched them all swim closer in a group to where you were. They began cleaning themselves, and soon just started to wade around—relishing in the cool feeling.

However, as you tried to swim away discreetly, Legolas’ elven ears caught you. He narrowed his eyes, and began swimming over to your rock.

Knowing you would be caught if you tried to flee, you pressed your back firm against the rock, lapping up against it.

Legolas was now upon you, and looked around the corner to find what was behind it. Once he saw it was only you, he beamed brightly.

Rising up out of the water, he folded his arms over the rock and leaned over, looking down at you.

You tried to not let your eyes drift or slip, as you stared back up at him. However, mistakes were made (but clearly not on his parents’ behalf).

“Hello, Arlo!” he announced merrily. “We didn’t know you were also in here.”

Upon hearing your name, the rest of the Fellowship waved you over, asking you to join them.

You chuckled nervously and began swimming backwards and away, speaking as you did so. “Oh, no…that’s quite all right! I, uh…just remembered I actually have something to do—”

“Oh, no! Don’t be like that!” Boromir chastised. He grabbed your wrist gently and reeled you back in towards him and Legolas.

Your shoulders went rigid, as you nearly brushed up against their bare bodies.

Soon, the hobbits, Gimli and Aragorn swam over to you, and you were more thankful now for the darkness of night than you had ever been.

Though, with one slither of moonlight in the right spot, you’d soon be exposed.

“Please don’t leave on our behalf, Arlo,” Aragorn encouraged, placing a hand on your wet shoulder. “It is good for team morale to bond like this. Besides, we’re all men here.”

“Some more than others!” Gimli announced. You looked up in the direction of his voice, and immediately covered your eyes.  

Gimli was stood with his hands on his hips, proudly naked atop your boulder.

“I am the king of this rock!” he announced. “Any competitors who’d like to have a go at pushing me off?”

“Please,” Legolas rolled his eyes, before he, too, swam over to the boulder and climbed atop it. “This will be the easiest fight of my life.”

Catching more than you wanted to see, you made a squeal of rejection, before forcibly pushing your way through the group and heading towards the bank.

Paxton met you quickly, and you swiftly wrapped the towel over your shoulders like a cloak, as to not make it obvious what you were covering, but doing so nonetheless.

“I’m sorry,” you said to them, “but I truly do have something else to do…literally anything else. I’ll see you all back at camp.”

They watched as you left in a hurry, and shared glances with one another. Thinking nothing of it, besides your usual mood, they shrugged and returned to what they were doing.

This continued on for quite some time, throughout the entire Fellowship journey. Though, you never again attempted to bathe with them all around.

Fortunately, your travels soon took you out of the woods, and into the cities. Many fights had passed your small group, smaller now than before, by.

The most recent of battles saw many great feats—the “Battle of the Pelennor Fields” it was called.

In this battle, you had fought formidably. However, the true victory for women that day went to Eowyn. She had removed her helmet in the middle of the fight, pronounced she was “not a man”, like you had wanted to do so many times, and slayed the Witch-king of Angmar.

You were inspired greatly, but also so furious at yourself. You were also slightly jealous over the attention she got.

“What a brave woman,” Gimli would say.

“I’ve never met a woman so bold,” Merry added on.

“Truly remarkable,” Legolas agreed.

The six of you were sat in a stone courtyard together, camping out in the aftermath of the fight. Your jaw was rigid with fury, as you listened to them praise Eowyn over something you had been doing for the past few months.

Rolling your eyes, and making a show of turning over in your sleeping bag harshly, you quickly gained the Fellowship’s attention.

“Oh, and what is your problem, laddie?” Gimli snarked.

“Upset you were outshined by a girl?” Legolas taunted as well.

“You’re not that misogynistic, are you?” Merry chortled.

Aragorn glanced between your turned back and the laughing boys, before taking his own turn at scolding you.

“Arlo, Eowyn was a great asset today, and we are guests in her company. I will not see you sulking towards her remarkable feats.”

You glared at him over your shoulder, before huffing and returning to sleeping on your side. Your arms were folded over your chest, and your body burning in jealous rage.

“Gosh, what is the matter with you?” Legolas asked next, truly fed up with your attitude. “Why are you always in a bad mood?”

“Wouldn’t have taken you for a misogynist either,” Gimli remarked, smacking his gums as he ate a chicken leg.

You stayed on your side with your back turned to them for a few moments, glaring at the wall. However, the rage in your chest soon gave way to a lump in your throat, as you soon felt your secret burst within you.

“I’m not a misogynist…” you spoke up.

“Poppycock,” Gimli called you out.

Sighing, you sat up and looked at them to your side. “I’m not a misogynist, because…I’m not even a boy.”

Silence echoed around the courtyard, as your travel companions blinked back at you.

“What?” Pippin asked, squinting his eyes. “What do you mean you’re ‘not a boy’?”

Groaning through another sigh, and rolling your head, you pressed on. “I mean I’m NOT a boy! I’m a girl, for Eru’s sake…I’ve just been…presenting myself as one, for…reasons.”

“What reason could you possibly have to lie about something like that?” Legolas asked, not entirely believing you.

Feeling the urge to cry rising within you, you inhaled a deep breath and answered. “Nothing you men would understand.”

“I’m sorry,” Merry laughed, “but I don’t believe you at all. There’s no way you’re a girl.”

Glaring at him, you knew his words to be true. Knowing how to prove you were indeed a girl, you reached into your loose tunic, and began unwrapping the bind around your chest.

Pulling it out, you threw it down in front of the now gaping group. Without a shred of chivalry, still disbelieving you to be a girl at all, they glanced between the fabric and your chest, which indeed proved your gender.

“I don’t believe it…” Pippin whispered, staring with wide eyes.

In fact, they all did. With six pairs of male eyes on your chest, you felt very vulnerable and covered yourself.

This seemed to jolt them back to their senses, as they coughed uncomfortably and looked away.

The only one still looking into your eyes, was Aragorn. “Why did you feel the need to lie, my lady?”

Being called a “lady” for the first time in five years opened up a floodgate of emotions, as you wept into your hand.

“Yep, definitely a girl,” Merry rolled his eyes. A swift punched to his arm from Legolas silenced him.

Now knowing exactly how to deal with you, Aragorn stood up and crouched before you. He placed a tentative hand on your shoulder, and encouraged the other boys to come forwards, until they were sat all around you in a comforting circle.

“What is your real name, young maiden?” Aragorn asked softly.

Still sniffling into your hand, and bearing a downcast head, you spoke up in a barely audible voice.

“Y/n…” you revealed.

“What a beautiful name, Y/n,” he smiled warmly.

Like a turn of the tides, the boys all around took you under their wing, as if you were their own little sister. Everything about you now made sense, and they felt at ease with you instantly.

And, surprisingly, you found the same about them, regarding yourself. You didn’t at all feel threatened by their presence, but instead protected.

“I’m sorry,” you wept, shaking your head. “I had no choice, they made me marry him, and I-I couldn’t stay there, and then I had to make money so I ran with the lie and—”

They shushed your incoherent crying quickly, and rubbed at both your knees, back and shoulders comfortingly.  

They gained more information about your previous life in those few seconds than they had before in the last few months. They didn’t need to know anymore, nor wanted to, from the sounds of it all.

“Please don’t kick me out of the Fellowship…” you sniffled.

“Why would we do that?” Gimli laughed. “We now have TWO remarkable women in our ranks! Eowyn AND Y/n!

“A great win for us, indeed!” Legolas agreed brightly.

A smile broke through your tears, as they shook you softly and commended your swordswoman skills excitedly.

This carried on for a few moments, before you spoke up again, now smiling around at them through almost dried tears.

“So…you don’t mind about me lying? Or being a…woman?”

They shook their heads and returned your smile. “Not at all, lassie.”

Before the conversation could progress, however, Legolas suddenly recalled something.

“WAIT!” he gasped loudly, thinking back to the river. “THAT MEANS YOU SAW ALL OUR—”

“Let’s agree to never speak of it again, okay?”

“Aye, never again…sister.”

[rainydaymiddleearthimagines]

What a relationship is like with the Lord of the Rings men:

 Aragorn:

He’s adorable in a relationship, honestly. 

Very affectionate when it’s just you and him, or if you initiate some sort of form of affection first

He’s protective but not over protective

You wanna go out and fight too? Great, he’ll give you a sword and fight next to you

His pet names for you are “Darling” and “Love”

If you join the fellowship he’s definitely nervous about it

He’s worried the whole time about you being in danger, which to be fair you constantly were

But any time there was a battle, he was next to you, fighting side by side, ensuring you were safe

When he finally accepts his claim to Gondor, he will call you “ My Queen/King”

On nights you can’t sleep (unless your elven because from what I’ve read they don’t necessarily need sleep) he will sing to you or tell you stories of all the places he had been too or heard about.

He definitely will make you flustered when your with him on purpose.

He’ll flirt with you and you’ll just stand there with this red face and he’ll act like nothing happened. 

He is not a jealous man by any means, he trusts you with his whole being

His go to means of affection is kissing your knuckles or forehead.

I get the vibes that he adores fiercely independent people so he can sit back and watch you kick ass and be like “Look at what my baby can do” 

When he becomes king, you bet your ass you’re ruling next to him

He loves you to the ends of the earth

Legolas:

He absolutely adores you

VERY affectionate

Will call you pet names in elvish, whispering sweet little things in your ear

his go to means of affection is hugs from behind and holding your hands

You bet your ass that if you’re a human, hobbit or any non immortal race, he will give up his immortality.

He will teach you elvish if you don’t know it

His go to pet names are “Dear” and “My love”

He is very gentle, very loving

He’s extremely protective but that mainly stems from the fact that he has SEEN SHIT MAN.

If you want to fight, he will agree to it but he definitely will not like it

He’s not a jealous man at all, in fact other men’s advances kind of go over his head.

If you can’t sleep he will tell you stories that he’s lived through

Course, some of them are so exciting it defeats the purpose of sending you to sleep

He actually likes it when you go on adventures with him

He loves having you with him 

You definitely tease him for being thousands of years old. 

you love making him laugh

And he does that all the time because he gets to see that gorgeous smile.

Frodo:

The purest relationship. Ever.

He is very affectionate

EXTREMELY protective

He loves hearing stories of outside the shire and he loves sharing his experiences too

He loves hugs and my gods he is GREAT at giving them

He loves it when you play with his hair.

He is like Legolas in the sense that he definitely won’t be happy if you want to go into battle but he won’t stop you

He would prefer you to stay behind out of danger but again, he will not stop you if you want to go

his pet names are “Honey” and “Darling” 

He’s honestly so pure it hurts

There is a BIG difference in personality if you meet him before the events of Lord of the Rings

For one, he’s a lot more bubbly before 

When he comes back he clearly has seen some shit

Sad thing: When there’s a party he can’t hear screaming without thinking its a ring wraith so he has to leave early most times

You love him though and he DEFINITELY loves you.

Samwise: 

LOYAL. AS. HELL.

Has the sweetest personality

brings you flowers every other day

He is very adamant though about you staying behind on adventures, he will get frustrated if you end up going any way but he will not be able to remain upset with you

He also really doesn’t enjoy having to watch you run into battle

Danger in general, ESPECIALLY if it’s around you, terrifies him

You love hearing his stories, him telling you all about some of the crazy things he’s experienced

If you meet him before the events of Lord of the Rings, he will mainly tell you wacky adventures he got himself into with Frodo or Merry and/or Pippin

Hell, he does that even if you meet him after.

He actually refrains from telling you about life outside the Shire because it kind of gave him trauma.

His favorite forms of affection is kissing your knuckles

He will be that guy who works his ass off for you to be able to live comfortably

He loves you and will make sure you know that fact.

Calls you “my dear” or “Darling” 

Merry:

He’s a goofball.

Expect the unexpected. 

He will definitely do really crazy things to make you laugh

little bit of a prankster

By a little bit I mean: He’s a chaotic little shit

He loves you so much though and knows where to draw a line

He LOVES it when you want to go off and do shit

You wanna fight? Great, he’s charging with you

Wanna randomly dance in the woods? He’s dancing with you

He loves spending time with you 

He is SO loyal, always by your side

Watch someone try to separate you, he will kick their ass

He loves dancing with you

His favorite form of affection is holding your hand

Something about it is just so nice

He loves you so much, honestly he could spend HOURS gushing about you

Pippin and Frodo are always over for dinner, along with Sam

They love being around you two, watching their friend be so happy 

He calls you “Love” and “Dear”

He loves cooking for you, mY GODS HE LOVES IT

Pippin:

Like Merry, massive goofball

little more of a crackhead though

He is less of a prankster, more of a cracking jokes kind of guy

He’s totally a goofball and will do all sorts of  things to make you laugh

you genuinely love him and he adores you to pieces

if you meet him after the events of Lord of the Rings, he’s definitely more serious but not by too much

He’ll have a few moments where he’ll space out and you’ll have to tap him to get his attention

He clearly suffered so much trauma while on that trip

He definitely becomes more serious after everything

Yeah, he’ll crack a joke here and there but he’s definitely changed

He doesn’t mind if you want to go off and fight, but you bet your ass he will charge with you like Merry

He loves watching you be a badass

You love hearing the hysterical adventures that he’s gone on with Merry

He loves watching you sing and dance

he will sing to you on nights that you can’t sleep

His voice is hella soothing

He loves playing with your hair

He actually has a talent for making flower crowns

Boromir:

He absolutely adores you

piggyback rides while on adventures are definitely a thing

he loves making you laugh in slightly tense situations

Giant Spider pops out? His ass looks at it and then you “Why can’t we ever encounter giant butterflies?” and then charge like he said something inspirational that motivated him into battle

He doesn’t mind if you want to fight, he’ll just guard you the entire time

He’s fiercely protective over you

He loves being affectionate

Very attentive

Cold?

His cloak will be wrapped around you

Tired?

He’ll carry you

Sick?

He’ll take care of you

He loves you so much

He is kind of jealous. 

It’s not that he doesn’t trust you, he doesn’t trust other people. 

He loves calling you “Princess/Prince” or “Sweetheart”

You love hearing about his life in Gondor

When he dies... oh gods

It breaks you

If you went with the Fellowship you were inconsolable 

His family gives you the horn of Gondor because they all are aware of him loving you

You two sadly have a bit of a tragic love story

Faramir:

Affectionate as fuck

Loves hugs, always has his hand on you in some sweet way

He loves you so much

He was always kind of the overlooked son so when he presented you as “Hey this is the woman/man I love” no one except Boromir notices

Boromir always looked as you as a sister/brother after that, loving the way his brother looked at you with so much adoration

He does not mind you wanting adventure one bit, so long as he’s charging next to you

He does not give a shit about a claim to the throne either

royal life does not suit this man as much as the adventure’s life does

He loves you so much

He is sort of reckless in battle and that worries you

it gets worse after Boromir dies

When you thought he died you were hysterical

Then Pippin made the observation that he was still alive

His father wasn’t hearing either of you

Then he turned out to be alive and you were so happy

Scolded the crap out of him for worrying you

You two love each other till the end

Gimli:

loves a woman/man who can hold their liquor

Oh he’s a complete crackhead

loves telling you stories of dwarven life

you love his wild stories

You keep his mind open

If your an elf he will refuse to be in love with you for a while

Oh you definitely have a kill count thing going on with him

He gets flustered when he sees you being a badass

He ain’t stopping you from doing SHIT

Wanna run into battle? Great, he’s supplying the swords and charging too

Wanna join the fellowship? He’ll complain about having to save another woman’s/man’s ass 

And then later get saved by you

He definitely enjoys watching you in battle

He loves hearing stories of your homeland

sure maybe your life isn’t as exciting but he loves hearing about your life

He’s not big on affection but if he’s excited, hugs. 

He also isn’t big on nicknames but he typically calls you “Lass”

He loves hearing you laugh

He says it’s like music

[lotr-calligraphy]

Everything I’ve made

     ~The Fellowship of the Ring~

Ring poem

The road goes ever on and on

Home is behind

Snow-white! Snow-white! O lady clear

Ho! ho! ho! To the bottle I go

Bath song

Farewell we call to hearth and hall!

O! wanderers in the shadowed land

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!

Hey! Come merry dol! Derry dol! My darling!

Hop along, my little friends

Hey! Come derry dol! Hop along, my hearties!

Now let the song begin

O slender as a willow-wand

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow

I had an errand there

Ho! Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!

Cold be hand and heart and bone

Old Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow 2

Get out, you old wight

Wake now, my merry lads

Hey! now! Come hoy now! Whither do you wander?

Tom’s country ends here

There is an inn...

All that is gold does not glitter

Gil-Galad was an Elven-king

Song of Beren and Luthien

Troll sat alone on his seat of stone

Eärendil was a mariner

A Elbereth Gilthoniel

Seek for the sword that was broken

All that is gold does not glitter 2

Ring inscription

When winter first begins to bite

I sit beside the fire and think

Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen

Song of Durin - 37.5:  Balin’s tomb

Song of Nimrodel

Gandalf is dead and it is sad - The Song

Galadriel’s song of Eldamar

Ai! laurië lantar lassi súrinen ~The Two Towers~

Boromir is dead and it is sad - The Song

Gondor! Gondor!

The lore of living creatures

Taurelilómëa...

Treebeard’s song

Ents and entwives

O Orofarne

To Isengard

Message to Aragorn

Message to Legolas - 51.5: Message to Gimli

Where now the horse and the rider

In Dwimordene, in Lórien

Forth Eorlingas

Ere Iron...

Though Isengard...

Hobbits in the Long List

Tall ships and tall kings

One Ring

Gollum’s song

Oliphaunt rhyme from the Shire

Seek for the Sword that was Broken reprise

Gilthoniel A Elbereth/A Elbereth Gilthoniel ~The Return of the King~

Thing about the Paths of the Dead

From dark Dunharrow

Arise, arise, Riders of Théoden!

Mourn not overmuch...

Snowmane’s grave

Out of doubt...

song of the Mounds of Mundburg (gold shine)

When the black breath blows

Silver flow the streams

In Western lands

Long live the Halflings

To the Sea

Sing now

Et Eärello

Out of doubt

The Road goes ever on and on

Awake!

Still round the corner

A! Elbereth Gilthoniel

Quotes from the books

Ai ai wailed Legolas

Well if that isn’t a plague and a nuisance

True, said Aragorn

Do not be afraid

The birds again

Warm up 1

Warm up 2

Warm up 3

Last paragraph of Two Towers

Gift version of Gollum’s song

Bilbo comes back to Bag End in the Hobbit

Quotes from the movies

Sam’s speech

They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard

I am no man

You shall not pass

Keep it secret. Keep it safe

Quotes from other people on this site

Jolene Gil-Galad

Eärendil limerick

That’s a-Moria

Paintings

Bookmarks

A hobbit

Gandalf

Not lotr

A sunset bloom (Star Trek)

Stopping by woods on a snowy evening

Will you go to hell if you have a drop of spirit (Terry Pratchett)

If you trust in yourself... (Terry Pratchett)

[buttered-milky]

It is currently 6:46 am and I have to be up for class in 2 hours, but alas. I have been awoken by a surprise call from a friend and decided to check tumblr why not. I have many many thoughts on this poll actually and so I will write them and then probably not post them.

Frodo: Ace. Does not fuck. Like maybe once and then figured out “god I did not like that” but tbh I think even this is unlikely. Just one more way in which he is elven I guess

Sam: pulls like hell, but I agree does not fuck. Idk. Maybe prior to the quest yes? Some? But as of now is too busy with yearning and pining.

Pippin: also pulls like hell on account of what I like to call weird guy rizz. I don’t think this bitch knows what he’s doing though and tbh I don’t think he actually cares that much—has other, weirder things to be doing. I also think he is not even aware he pulls and has to be informed after the fact by other people. So like. I guess the answer to the question here is Very Minimally.

Merry: like slightly more than pippin. I can’t elaborate on this one it’s just something I feel is true. He does not give me the vibe of someone very concerned with fucking but then again I don’t think about this a ton cause I’m ace and also the more I like a character the more likely I am to hit them with the ace beam!

Gandalf: can’t explain this one either but fucks severely. I just feel it in my bones this is true. This bitch picks someone up every time he makes a stop on his travels. I’m also so sure that every single person he’s hooked up with is under no impressions that it will be happening again, and also is probably okay with that. Also he and Saruman read like exes. Idk what to do with that but “get the fuck down here you clown” and “you’re too high for this come back when you’re sober” are bitter exes words. And of course the balrog must be mentioned here.

Boromir: fucks an average amount. Once again just something I feel is true. I don’t think he’s like Gandalf and is picking people up wherever he stops though. Boromir has caught feelings more than once, in my opinion. Most likely member of the fellowship to call someone crying on a random Tuesday at like 10 pm because of a break up

Aragorn: mmmmm no too loyal to Arwen. This is a wife guy. He and Arwen fuck, sure, but that’s it. And given that elves are demi (please don’t make me defend this one) I think even this is minimal. <3

Legolas: once because I think he and Gimli are married (you built him a boat to valinor??????) but that’s it. Absolutely demi, the fucking is insanely minimal and also I just know he has like four million other things related to trees and bugs and little creatures that he’d rather be doing. More likely to catch a wasp for fun than to have sex (just like me fr!!!!)

Gimli: fucks severely, more than Gandalf even. I’m obsessed with that post that’s like “Gimli the sex symbol and his cringefail elf boyfriend” and that’s informing my opinion here. Stops fucking post-Legolas but prior to that absolutely gets around the most of anyone in the fellowship. This is just something I feel is true I can’t explain this one either. He pulls a ton because of weird guy rizz (autism?? Perhaps.) and he acts on it.

(Btw this is not meant to start arguments op’s post is very silly and I enjoyed reading it I simply wanted to write my own silly little words)

i've been thinking about this all day so here's my thoughts on @sillylotrpolls 's "which member of the fellowship fucks":

frodo: too busy Brooding and perhaps even Yearning. maybe once or twice in his youth but to me just doesn't seem like the type of person to have casual sex.

sam: also too busy Yearning, but also just doesn't seem the type. he has a job, he's busy, he's in love with his boss AND the girl at the pub, it's a whole thing.

pippin: for all intents and purposes is like. 17. so again maybe once or twice but in very awkward, fumbling ways that made everyone involved think "wait, did that count?"

merry: fucks severely. confident, kind, intelligent, always there to lend a helping hand (😏). of course he pulls hobbits of all genders constantly. the only potential wrench in the works is the fact that he at the very least is already acquainted with his future wife, so maybe they've got something going on in which case he is probably not out romancing other hobbits.

gandalf: be so serious. who is he fucking? hobbits? saruman? shame those big naturals are going to waste but he does not fuck.

boromir: next after merry, imo. has been around, fighting battles and in taverns and such, and is prone to temptation so has definitely fucked at some point, probably multiple times. however he does hate himself for it.

aragorn: lives in the woods singing about his one true elven love. no way.

legolas: is not married, and therefore has not had sex. elf marriage is the one time tolkien wrote about sex and you're all ignoring it.

gimli: sure. why not? gimli fucks. good for him.