#Yo Joe June

[simeonscott]

"Alright Snake, Let's Ride!"

[modularmedia]

June 1982 - Saturday Morning Panels #1

Vac and Snowcone are here, a couple weeks ago, to discuss the first week of Yo Joe June 2023, the arrival of The Energon Universe, Rise of the Beasts and the classic Marvel RAH #1!

[foxes-that-run]

Paper rings

Paper Rings is about love over wealth and luxury. Paper rings are simple and unglamorous, but also can be fragile. Paper being temporary and disposable. The song mixes good and bad to say that Taylor choses an imperfect life with this person. Taylor described it as not having modern influences when it does and being punk, a word that fits this song better than reputation but Taylor used in Time. It's was hinted at on Reputation which makes me wonder if it was a Reputation vault track. It copies the sound of Hilary Duff's 2015 Breathe In Breath Out which Taylor mentioned on Tumblr:

Paper Rings was hinted at in the Me! Lyric Video with a Paper Ring with two polaroids (it mentions photo frames) and has a Spotify Story:

"I wrote "Paper Rings' with this idea of throwback sounds. We didn't want to use any sounds that were very modern on this song. This song talks about true love, and if you really find true love, you probably don't really care what the symbolism of that love is. Material things wouldn't matter to you anymore if you found someone that you just wanted to live your life with. "

In the iHeartRadio Secret Session (Audio in the video above) Taylor said:

[...]"imagining that I was a wedding band at a reception, playing the love songs that the bride and groom wanted to hear in, like, 1978 or something. It's called 'Paper Rings.' The whole song is just basically reminiscing on fun memories. [...] there's some fun, kind of, punk, like inspired by punk girl groups and the way they used to sing, shouting them in a really unapologetic way. [...]

A 1978 Wedding Band is a very specific reference. So thinking of songs from 1978... This wedding blog lists a few like Just What I Needed – The Cars, released in 1978 and one (H tweet) and was also in The Wedding Singer. Blondie is a clear reference for the Lover aesthetic and the song. Blondie released One Way or Another in 1978. (Before the 1D cover). The Ramones Blitzkrieg Bop is an earlier influence for it.

...also did she say Punk? as in the 2023 Time Magazine:

When was it written

Like all of Lover it is copyright 2019 for its release. It was Easter egged in the Call It What You Want Lyric video on 2 November 2016 and in the Reputation magazine hinting pretty strongly that it was at least partly written with Reputation.

It was recorded at Conway, LA, & Metropolis in London. London Boy was also recorded in both. Taylor didn’t record reputation at Metropolis but KOMH and a few lover songs were at Conway.

Live performances

Paper Rings was a surprise song in Minneapolis on 23 June, 2023, the other surprise song was If this was a movie. Taylor also performed it as a mash up with Stay Stay Stay on 21 July, 2024. It was not played the few Lover promo shows.

Rings

The Spotify Visual features a huge ring, pearls and beehive. When talking about the song Taylor talked about not caring about a ring if you truly loved someone, and the lyrics 'I like shiny things, but I would marry you with paper rings'. So why this visual with a huge ring and perfect life? To me this is about giving those things up, which fits the 'unapologetic' punk feel. This idea is also in the LAWYMMD video. Maybe rejecting a proposal with a shiny ring for a more youthful love.

Lyrics

The moon is high Like your friends were the night that we first met Went home and tried to stalk you on the internet Now I've read all of the books beside your bed

In the iHeartRadio intro Taylor said the song was reminiscing on fun memories which these first verses are. These are the sections which match Breathe in Breathe out. which has lines that start with “I remember..” while Hilary was looking back on a lost love Taylor is reminiscing on a current love, it sounds both nostalgic and new.

Some fans do gymnastics to make them about a specific muse but they are very generic but I’ll add that Joe was not with friends at the Met Gala, he was with a costar that knew Taylor better.

The wine is cold Like the shoulder that I gave you in the street Cat and mouse for a month or two or three Now I wake up in the night and watch you breathe

This verse continues the reminiscing, I like the use of cold shoulder and street compared to the intimacy of watching someone breathe. Also this line reminds me of the Hilary Duff song title.

Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night (Oh) Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life (One, two, one, two, three, four)

This verse is the most like a wedding band, and one Taylor mentioned when talking about the song that Jack does the count in. Taylor has not used ‘be alright’ very much:

22 - Everything will be alright, if you keep me next to you

Shake it off - Saying, "It's gonna be alright."

Call it what you want - They took the crown, but it's alright

The Archer - But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?

Death by a Thousand Cuts - I ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright

The 1 - And it's alright now

Fresh Out the Slammer - But it's gonna be alright, I did my time

I look through people's windows - Does it feel alright to not know me?

I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want, and I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this

The refrain is where Taylor would chose a simple paper ring over a fancy ring or wedding. When talking about the song Taylor described this as the ring not mattering, but to me paper is more temporary, it’s not a wedding but a tentative commitment of sorts. Taylor also describes the relationship as non traditional with “this” an ill defined situationship.

Uh huh, that's right Darling, you're the one I want In paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams Oh, you're the one I want

The one I want implies again there is someone Taylor is choosing this person over, she’s forgoing something shiny for this relationship. Yet the theme of reminiscing implies this is not a new relationship. Darling is not used a lot.

Picture frames are also uncommon in Taylor’s work, only HYGTG, Run and this song have a framed picture to mean a relationship. The Me! Lyric video had 2 Polaroids with the paper ring, very 1989/reputation-esque, one of her holding a cat and one with friends.

How You Get The Girl: With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks

In the winter, in the icy outdoor pool When you jumped in first, I went in too I'm with you even if it makes me blue Which takes me back To the color that we painted your brother's wall

Taylor will follow this partner anywhere even when it’s not always easy or pleasant. More on the wall and icy pool below.

Honey, without all the exes, fights, and flaws We wouldn't be standing here so tall, so

In this verse their relationship has some history of "exes, fights, and flaws" they’ve overcome. Similar to “one I want” this is not a simple we met and went from friends to this, they have history.

Icy outdoor pool

I have a post on the icy pool. Which is something Harry has been known for (also in Hampstead Heath Pond) long before Joe did handy exposition for this. Taylor said on 2 June 2018 in Chicago ( Harry was in the City) "2 New Years Eve's ago I found myself in the midst of a very like incredible 3am moment where you think you are invincible and you end up like jumping in a pool in the winter and you feel super untouchable in that moment" Taylor Nation cut this part out.

The house Taylor rented in Hampstead in December 2016 has a pool and she included photos in the Rep Magazine. A post on that.

Blue Walls

I have a post on this blue wall line and that it is a metaphor for being emotionally isolated. She also referred to blue painted walls in:

Everything Has Changed - And all my walls stood tall, painted blue

The Lover photoshoot hints that it is metaphorical:

If you think these rep book photos are of Taylor actually painting a wall and not a photoshoot I have some ice to sell you.

I want to drive away with you I want your complications too I want your dreary Mondays Wrap your arms around me, baby boy

In the bridge Taylor tells how she wants good and bad, a similar idea to on New Years Day about wanting someone to clean up bottles after the party, or dreary Monday’s here. Again with complications, this is not a fresh relationship between 2 single people.

Drive is a Haylor theme also and this line reminds me of Style’s “let’s get out of the town” and finally taylor calls the muse “baby boy” .. perhaps she is singing about someone who’s ‘younger than her ex’s but acts like such a man, so.

[ripempezardexerox]

Dices Merzbow, yo digo Justin Beiber

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Dices cLOUDDEAD, yo opino que te calles

Dices Muslimgauze, ¡¡ YO GRITO POP!!

Dices Kaoru Abe, y te parto la madre

El 92% de la juventud está escuchando Avant Garde Noise. Si eres parte de ese 8% que aun escucha música de verdad, comparte este post a tus contactos de facebook.

¡¡¡¡ No dejes que el espíritu del POP muera !!!!

[olderjustneverwiser]

For the Hope of It All

Steve Harrington x fem reader. WC: 11K.

A story about old friends and a summer romance in Italy. Set roughly 10 years post season four (so mid-nineties? Yeah, let's go with that). Inspired by august by Taylor Swift and those Joe Keery Italy pictures.

Warnings: Smut, MDNI. Talks of death of a parent, discussions of leaving a toxic relationship (nothing is specified though). Not really a happy ending so if that's not your vibe consider this your warning.

The Playlist

June

Salt air, and the rust on your door

I never needed anything more

The day started as most of your off days did; with a steaming cup of coffee at your favorite little café down by the shore. You had found this gem just after moving to Italy, its gorgeous patio and delicious coffee had cemented itself as one of your most frequented spots in town. It had become somewhat of a custom over the past few years, to have your morning coffee with only the salt air and sea birds to keep you company.

It could be lonely at times, but it beat sipping mediocre coffee in an empty apartment.

May had just turned into June, though, so your part of the world was quickly becoming overrun with tourists on holiday, and it seemed like every single one had managed to find your favorite spot away from the tourist traps. The outdoor seating area had filled quickly given the nice weather, so it really came as no surprise when a voice broke you from your reverie, asking if they could take the empty seat across from you. What did surprise you was the voice that spoke. It was a voice you hadn't heard in nearly five years, since you left the backwater town you grew up in to get away from it all, from your fucking ex that drained the life out of you.

You almost didn't believe that you had heard it correctly, but you knew you did. You'd recognize that voice anywhere, even after all this time had passed. Once you turned your gaze away from the sea, what you knew to be true in your heart was confirmed.

The man was sun-kissed, with wild, windswept hair and a glittering smile that only widened when you turned to face him. Once he pulled his sunglasses away from his eyes and pushed them into his hair, you knew.

Steve fucking Harrington. 

Steve, once King Asshole Steve of Hawkins High, was in front of you, halfway around the world from Indiana. Steve, your good friend, confidante, partner-in-crime, first crush. Steve, who you left back in Hawkins, along with everyone else you cared about, because you just couldn't handle how suffocating the small town was or seeing him around town.

Steve fucking Harrington was standing right in front of you for the first time in years and you didn't know how to feel about that.

You almost had to laugh at the absolute absurdity of it all. Why the hell was he even in Italy? How, in all of the places in the world, had Steve managed to find you here? Was this planned, or a chance meeting? Pure happenstance, or fate? 

You had so many questions.

God, he was stunning. He still looked like the kind of men you'd read about in cheesy romance novels. Older, of course, and more filled out, but still looked like Steve. Soft, suave, too handsome for his own good. He looked golden, dangerous. 

He still looked like a heartbreaker.

His face morphed into something else once he noticed that it was you, a mix of surprise and pure elation as he whispered your name, seemingly to himself. Almost like he couldn't believe it either.

"In the flesh," you replied, a joking lilt in your voice because you just couldn't fucking believe this.

"Oh-oh my God!" His outburst seemed to bother the patrons around you, but neither of you really cared when you grabbed the hand he reached out to you, only to be pulled up into a crushing embrace. 

He smelled different than you remembered. A different cologne, more manly now, more comforting.

Dangerous.

Steve pulled away after a beat, but he didn't retreat completely. His hands moved from their spots around your frame only to land on your arms, like he didn't want to let you go yet.

For some reason, you didn't want him to let go either.

"What the hell are you doing here, Harrington?" 

Steve finally released you completely then, taking the seat across the tiny wooden table from the one you had occupied. You followed suit, allowing yourself to really look at him.

The years had been kind to him, that much was obvious. There were a few barely-there wrinkles around his eyes, a scar or beauty mark here and there that wasn't there before, but he still held the boyish charm he always had.

He still looked like your Steve. 

He seemed to realize that he'd yet to give an answer at the same time you did, so he just shook his head, ran his hands down his face like he couldn't believe this was happening, either.

"Sorry, I just- fuck. Can't believe I found you."

"Ah, so you were trying to find me," you said, taking a sip of your now lukewarm coffee to hide the smile that threatened to break.

Steve just shook his head, "I've actually been in Italy for a few weeks now, kinda a spur of the moment trip, y'know?"

You really didn't, but you supposed Harrington money could afford a month-long spontaneous vacation to Italy.

He continued on, "I started out in Rome and have just been kinda moving along. I knew you lived here, from your letters, so I wanted to come and see if I could find you. Turns out luck was on my side."

That explanation gave you even more questions than answers, but you let it rest for now.

"Well shit, Steve. I guess it was." You couldn't help but feel like this was meant to happen, somehow. Out of all of the little cafés and restaurants in this town, he'd turn up at the one you came to every weekend.

Definitely fate, or something like it.

"Why don't we talk about it over dinner tonight? Catch up on everything?" He asked, charm oozing out of every bit of him, and you wondered if this was how all of the girls felt when Steve Harrington asked them out. Pure butterflies and wildflowers in your chest, fluttering and blooming before you could blink. 

Something told you that letting Steve Harrington back into your life would be exhilarating, saccharine, all-encompassing. The summer would allow you to feel alive for the first time in years, while leaving you heartbroken at the inevitable end.

You should have heeded the warning signs; the small part of your brain telling you to stay friendly, but that was it. To not let him grow like ivy on your heart. To entertain him for a week or so then send him on his way because you had left your feelings for him back in Hawkins years ago, back before your heart got stolen away by someone else. You were fine, had been fine until he waltzed back into your life, looking like that and stirring up feelings that were long gone.

But if you were being honest with yourself, the thought of not being with Steve for as long as he'd stay hurt so much more than how it would feel when this would inevitably end in tears.

-

You took Steve to Ke Palle for dinner on that first night.

It quickly became one of your favorite restaurants ever since you moved, and Steve hadn’t been, so it was perfect. It was busy given that it was a Saturday evening, so you and Steve took your arancini to-go, got a bottle of wine at a shop across the way, and settled at a small table the two of you found near the water. The large red umbrella made the late afternoon sun just a little more bearable as the two of you ate, drank, and caught up on everything you had missed over the last few years. Once your bellies were full and the bottle of wine was near empty, you once again found yourself examining Steve in between conversations. 

It was odd, seeing him again. Sure, your friend group had exchanged a couple of pictures over the years but seeing him in person again was entirely different. He had matured since the last time you had been together. There was something in his eyes, a look that told you that he had grown up more than you knew. It told you that he definitely wasn't King Steve anymore; that he had seen shit, been through shit, and that he was a man now.

As the sun began to set around you, you noted the flecks of gold in his hair, the little highlights mixed in with the brown that you had never noticed before. You noticed that you missed seeing his eyes, given that they were currently shielded by his sunglasses, and you hated that you missed something like that. You definitely noticed how his arms filled out the navy tee he was wearing, how big his hands looked curling around his pack of cigarettes-

He cleared his throat and you turned away, embarrassed that he had caught you staring. But hell, how could you not, when he looked like that? The asshole smiled at you then, as if he knew exactly what you were thinking, when he pulled out a lone cigarette from the pack. "Want one?"

"Definitely not. You know how bad those things are for you, right?" You chastised.

"Still hate that I smoke, huh?"

"I'll always hate that you smoke, Steve. Keep it up and you'll fuck up that pretty face, and you know that's your best feature."

He just shook his head and chuckled, gave you a look that said, wanna bet? "Enough about my bad habits, tell me about life and all that."

You told Steve about your life; things that went farther than letters sent across an ocean could handle. You told him about the winery you worked at in town, about how stressful running the place could be, but you enjoyed it anyway. You talked about your favorite coworkers and about how the tourists got to be too much sometimes. Later on, after he indulged and bought another bottle of wine to share, you apologized for leaving Hawkins, that you hated to leave but you wanted more than Hawkins could ever offer, and that you just had to after finally mustering the courage and self-confidence to leave your ex. 

Steve asked if you were dating anyone. You tried not to read into it too much as you gave a definitive 'No'. It was impossible to tell if the flush on his cheeks was from the red wine he'd drunk or from your answer, but you hoped it was the latter.

"Enough about my nonexistent dating life," you said as you waved a rogue cloud of cigarette smoke away from your face, "Tell me about home, how's everyone?"

He shrugged noncommittally before answering. "Everything's good, Robin's good, Eddie's kid is hell on wheels, but she's awesome. Nancy is still livin’ it up in New York. Job is good, those little middle school fuckers drive me crazy, but I love them."

"Still teaching then?"

He nodded, "Yeah, still teaching the youth the joys of dodgeball and how to hold a baseball bat. Pay's not the best but, you know, it's fun. Rewarding, I guess." He was holding something back; even after being apart for so long you could tell there was something he wasn't telling you.

"Yeah, but you don't gotta worry about money, right? You're a Harrington."

The laugh that left him was devoid of humor. Instead, it held something like contempt. It almost sounded hollow. "Yeah, guess not. Especially now, since my dad left us a fortune." He sighed at the confused look on your face and continued on "My dad, uh, died back in April."

You felt your eyes widen in shock, you definitely did not expect that and you hated that you didn't know what to say, "Oh my God Steve, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say anything?"

Steve just shrugged, "He was a dick."

"He was your dad, Steve."

"Yeah, and he didn't even like me," Steve said the words like they didn't phase him, and you wondered if they secretly did. "Anyway, I guess his life insurance had a pretty high payout. Left us with a pretty penny that my mom split with me. She sold the house in Loch Nora and left Hawkins. I had to get away from everything, so I took the rest of the school year off, and now I'm here with you. Seems like a perfect trade-off to me" He finished with a smirk.

"Steve…"

He took your hand in one of his then, dwarfing your own, "Hey, seriously, I'm fine. And if I'm ever not fine, you'll be the first person I tell, okay? I promise." His eyes were sincere, and suddenly you felt like you were eighteen again, Steve confiding in you that Nancy had dumped him and called him bullshit. You had missed the way the two of you had confided in each other back in Hawkins, but it was your fault that you hadn't had the chance to do that again, you figured. 

"Anyway," Steve leaned back, continuing like he hadn't just dropped that huge bomb on you, "I'm glad I found you. I missed you, y'know."

"Yeah, missed you too. This is nice."

"You look good, by the way. Polaroids don't do you justice." Your cheeks burned at his words. They sounded innocuous, innocent, but you could tell how he meant them by the way he looked at you when he leaned back in his chair, took another puff of a second cigarette he had pulled out of the pack.

Still, you gave a roll of your eyes, tried to pretend like his words didn't affect you at all. "Still a flirt, huh Harrington?"

"Hey, I'm just saying! The sea suits you, is all."

"Yeah, I suppose it does. Think it's done me some good over the years." You were quiet for a beat, just long enough to appreciate how the setting sun bathed Steve in its golden light. "You look good too, obviously."

Steve gave you some noise of acknowledgement, taking one last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out in the ashtray. "I think I've had enough sun for one day. You wanna get outta here?"

And I can see us twisted in bedsheets

You felt like you were floating as you and Steve raced through the town to get to your apartment. It almost felt like a dream, the thought that something was about to happen. Neither of you had explicitly said that anything was happening once you got upstairs, but you could feel it. It was like an electric current in the air, something between your fingertips as he held your hand in his during the walk. Steve could feel it, too. You could tell by the way his eyes were a little wild the entire walk home, how tightly he held onto your hand.

You willed yourself to calm down as the two of you neared your building; your heart pounding against your rib cage. Part of you was nervous that you'd hyped this up so much in your head that the real thing would be a disappointment, but you knew that wouldn't be the case. No, you were scared that this would ruin you for anyone else.

Because this was Steve you were talking about. There was history here, secrets shared and experiences that had bonded you two for life, no matter how far apart you were. And the way Steve looked at you as you unlocked your front door and stepped into your living room, as if you were the only thing he wanted to see for the rest of his life, solidified the simple fact that you were going to be fucking ruined after this.

You didn't care.

He watched as you set your keys and bag down on the small table in your entryway before leaning back against your door, smoothing down the front of your sundress to calm your nerves because it had been so long since you had done this. Steve seemed to sense your nervousness by the way he leaned into you, softly, a finger tracing down your arm with just enough pressure for you to feel it. "You okay?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm great. Just been a while, that's all." If he noticed the goosebumps that erupted from his touch, he didn’t comment on it.

He nodded, his gaze softer now than it had been at dinner, "Yeah, been a while for me, too. Y'know we don't have to do anything, right? If it's too soon or whatever."

Maybe it was too soon, because while you and Steve had been friends for years, the two of you were so different than you were years ago. Different people at different stages in your lives. Different continents. Hell, you hadn’t even been in the same room as each other for half a decade. But you still knew Steve, still felt the same comfort and security you’d always felt with him. 

It might have been too soon, but in this moment, it felt like a long time coming. It felt like it was always going to happen, at some point. And there was nothing you wanted more.

"I know, but I want to. I really want to, if you do."

"Are you sure?" He whispered, his mouth now close enough to yours that you could smell the hints of smoke still on his breath and the spearmint gum he chewed on the way.

You wanted to reach out, to touch him, but all you could do was curl your hands into fists before flattening them out on the tops of your thighs again. Fingertips tingled, wanting to mirror the path he was making on your arm, trace the veins on his forearm. You held back, almost scared to pop this little bubble the two of you seemed to be in. You wanted to kiss him, really wanted to kiss him. It would be too easy to close the small gap that still lingered between you and finally find out what he tasted like, but you waited. It was torture, but you waited.

"Yeah, of course I'm sure. Are you?"

The nod of his head was earnest, his eyes refusing to leave yours as his fingers abandoned their path along your arm only to find purchase on your jaw, his thumb barely tugging on your bottom lip before finally pressing his lips to yours. 

It was a desperate sort of kiss, the kind that made your toes curl in your sandals and your hands wind in his hair, if only to pull him even closer. Steve pressed into you then, and the feeling of his weight against you had little moans leaving your mouth, which Steve took full advantage of, licking into your mouth when your lips parted.

You didn’t know why it felt so natural, kissing Steve, but it felt like both a first kiss, and a kiss that you had shared a thousand times. Somehow, it felt like this had to happen, because Steve had drawn you in and he was yours and you were so, so ready to fall. Face first, all in, into whatever this was, whatever this would turn out to be. Still, you tried your hardest to sear the feeling of him into your mind. How his kiss tasted, how he sounded, how it felt to have his body pressed against yours like this in case this one a one time thing.

You really, really hoped it wasn't a one time thing.

He let his hands wander, dropping them to squeeze at your waist, letting his mouth wander, too. He moved to your jaw, down to your throat and you felt him smile against your skin when you gasped.

You felt one hand snake down your dress to the side of your thigh, his hand spreading wide, ghosting a path beneath the hem until his fingertips found the edge of your underwear. You felt him shift against you, just slightly, only to continue his path to your front and press into you. It was pathetic, really, the noise that came out of you from just a simple touch.

“Like that, pretty?” Steve cooed, using the same finger to trace up and down over the thin fabric, “Saw you staring at my hands earlier. You wanted me to touch you like this, hmm?”

You tried to roll your eyes, but he pressed harder into you making you feel the wetness sticking to you and you could only close them, letting out a huff, "Are you always this annoying during foreplay?"

He just smirked, his fingers never stopping, "Only with you." He leaned in closer, leaving a peck just below your ear. "Besides, I think you like it." 

You did roll your eyes at that, taking hold of his forearm to stop him, tired of his teasing, "Steve, shut the hell up and take me to the bedroom."

The moment the two of you were in your bedroom, Steve had you pushed against the nearest bare wall he could find before kissing you again. His hands roamed your neck, your waist, the curve of your hip and you felt him everywhere. It was like a live wire running through you, from your lips, red and kiss bitten to the tips of your toes.

His hands found the hem of your sundress again, and he started to ask if he could take it off but you cut him off, answering with a breathless 'yes'. He backed up from you, just enough for you to loosen the zip on the side and let it fall to the floor around your feet. You felt warm under his gaze, him mapping out skin he hadn't seen. You felt too exposed, given that he was still fully dressed, but he was back on you in a second, pulling you out of your thoughts. 

"So fuckin' pretty," He praised, pulling your underwear to the side, let his fingers glide through your folds without the offending barrier before sinking one, then two fingers into you.

The smirk he was wearing quickly disappeared once your breaths turned to moans as his fingers worked you, in and out, long enough to hit that spot and have you feeling close to bursting. His jaw went slack, his cheeks a little flushed and he finally looked as affected as you. 

You scrambled for his shoulders for some sort of stability, nails pressing through his shirt when he crooked his fingers into you, making your breath hitch in your throat. 

"Fuck, that's it, huh? Feel good?"

You only nodded, already feeling dizzy. You let your head hit the wall as he worked you, eyes closing and getting lost in the feeling of him, here with you, against you. 

But you wanted more. You wanted him. 

“Steve, please,” you pleaded, your hands grazing down his abdomen until you reached his belt buckle. “Want you.”

His shirt was thrown near your bed post, his belt clinked as it hit the floor along with his pants, neither of you really caring where they landed. He was on you again, kissing you until you both crawled into bed, his mouth on your jaw, your collarbone until he reached the edge of your bra, mouthing at the fabric before unclasping it and throwing it to the floor. You were impatient, dragging your underwear down until you were fully bare and his lips parted; his eyes devouring you before reconnecting his mouth to yours.

After that, it didn’t take long for him to rid himself of his boxers, slip on a condom and push into you slowly. Teasing, controlled, trying to drag out the moment because you felt fucking fantastic around him. He stilled once he was buried inside you, interlacing your fingers with his and pressing your hands into the bed as you moaned into his neck. You clenched around him at the tender gesture, silently begging him to move by curling your legs around his waist. 

“Fuck, you feel - God - fucking amazing,” he grunted, eyes squeezed shut as he moved against you.

“Steve,” you keened, relishing in how he looked on top of you, blissed out and slick with sweat. How he felt against you, inside of you. How each drag of him made you feel that familiar hook in your belly, like a string pulled tight, stretched, close to snapping. A release building. 

“Yeah? You close?” he asked, fingertips digging into the softness of your hips and he'd sounded close himself. Your breath hitched, back arched prettily because he'd dropped his hand between you, thumb rubbing quick circles on your clit.

"Yeah, Steve yeahyeah," you twisted your fingers in his hair, hips lifting to meet his every thrust until you snapped, your orgasm ripping through you, making you tremble against him. It was enough to send him over his edge, his hips faltering as he came, his face buried in your neck to muffle his groan.

The night seemed quiet then, the sounds of skin on skin and dirty praise whispered between you gave way to your combined breaths, slowly evening out. The air smelled like sex and Steve; smoke and mint, a hint of the salty sea air. You felt calm, peaceful, so, so content with Steve next to you. 

And that was how your summer began.

-

You were vaguely aware of fingers tracing down the length of your back and the smell of fresh coffee invading your senses, but you were so warm and soft and relaxed and did not want to leave the dreamlike state you were currently in. But then you felt soft kisses to your shoulder, a murmur against your hair that made your eyes open to see Steve, mussed up hair and still shirtless from the night before, with a steaming mug of coffee in his hands.

He looked like a damn dream.

"Morning, sleepy. Coffee's on your nightstand, just a splash of cream and sugar, right?"

You nodded, finally making yourself sit up against your headboard and grab the mug from your bedside table, "How'd you remember that?"

Steve only shrugged, crossing the room to take his side of the bed again. You hadn't taken a look at your bedside clock yet but it had to be early morning, considering how the sunlight slipped through the open blinds. The light painted Steve's torso in bright stripes of light; his tan skin looking even more stunning in the sunshine. This whole scene felt almost too domestic. The two of you, drinking coffee in a comfortable silence, Steve leaning over ever so often to press a kiss to your shoulder, your cheek. 

It felt nice. It felt normal.

But you knew it couldn't last. You and Steve were friends, good friends, and he was just passing through, traveling through Italy to find himself, or whatever he was doing. The thought made you ache, but it was the reality. 

Clearing your throat, you started to ask the question, rip off the band-aid. "So, when do you think you'll move on from my part of the world?"

"Actually, I was thinking about sticking around for a while, if you'll have me." Steve said the words a little shyly and they lit a little spark of hope that bloomed in your chest. You knew it wouldn't be forever, that the end would come, but for now, you had him.

"I don't think I'd mind that at all, Harrington."

July 

The summer was a whirlwind, and you loved every second of it. 

Your back beneath the sun

Wishin' I could write my name on it

You still went to work everyday while Steve did his travels, sometimes taking day trips out of town for the day and then coming back to your apartment at night. He'd show you the photographs he'd taken, letting you pick one or two to keep for yourself. 

Sometimes he would join you when you went out with your friends. Your friends had promised to help you show Steve all of the best spots. The two of you would join them for drinks and dancing some nights, other nights opting to go on your own, then crawl home and end up back in your bed sheets before ending the night.

And then you'd do it all over again the next day. 

On the weekends, you'd let Steve pick a new city to see, and the two of you would spend a night or two. You had explored Cinque Terre, saw the canals in Venice (which Steve correctly decided were too touristy), and Steve even treated the two of you to a few days near Tuscany after you agreed to play hooky that following Monday. 

You felt like you were twenty again. Back in Hawkins, hanging with Steve and the gang. Swimming in the Harringtons’ pool, picnics at the lake, settling down with take-away pizza and a movie on quiet nights in. Weekend drives to Indy for rock shows that Eddie dragged you all to, stopping at the same all-night diner after for fries and milkshakes. It was familiar, it was lovely. 

Having one of your old friends back made you feel lighter. Besides the company and great sex, it was nice to just have someone from Hawkins here. Someone you grew up with, who knew you inside and out. Someone you felt comfortable with, someone you trusted with your life.

It made grueling work days a little easier, made coming home a little more fun but the days were slipping away too fast. July was ending, but it still felt like the beginning of June and Steve had just landed back into your life. It really was cruel, how quickly time starts to pass you by the older you grew. Especially when you didn’t want it to. When you needed it to slow down. 

You wondered if Steve felt the same. If the days he spent without you, doing whatever he was doing in whatever little towns he found, were ending too fast. Was he excited to go back to Hawkins, to his students and the friends you had left behind?

More importantly, when was he going back?

The two of you hadn’t talked about it; you didn’t have the time. You hadn't even talked about what the two of you were doing, as if kissing one of your best friends goodbye every morning and fucking them before bed was normal. In all honesty, you didn’t want to talk about it. Because talking about it would make it real, and you were perfectly happy with living in blissful ignorance for now. Seeing as July was coming to a close, the end would come soon enough, anyway.

-

Another work week had just ended for you, and since you had the next few days off, you and Steve were currently lazing on your couch, coming up with ideas for how to spend the weekend. 

The two of you bounced ideas back and forth to one another over a shared bottle of wine, none of them ever feeling quite exciting enough. Suddenly he looked at you, snapping his fingers like he had just thought of the perfect idea, “How about we rent a boat?” 

“Excuse me?” You couldn’t help the way your voice squeaked at that, because who just thinks to rent a fucking boat on a whim?

“Not like a big boat, just a boat. You know, take it out in the water, cool off in the sea. Any place we can rent a boat over here?”

You squinted at him across your sofa, “I forgot you know how to handle a boat. You really are the definition of a rich boy cliché, you know that?”

“Oh shut up,” he muttered, but the fondness in his eyes told you that he didn’t really mean it. “So, whaddya say?”

And that’s how the next morning found the two of you waking up with the sun, Steve cooking a light breakfast while you packed a cooler with sandwiches, fresh fruit, and a big canteen full of limoncello. You took a cab to the ritzy part of the town, the part with the towering, expensive resorts and private beaches. You’d figured it would be the perfect place to get what Steve was looking for, and it turns out that you were right.

It wasn’t a big boat, but definitely enough room for you and Steve. You watched from the docks as Steve spoke with the worker, noting that the little Italian you’d managed to teach him was coming out of his mouth with ease. You wondered how it felt to be such a natural at damn near everything, how Steve could just pick up anything and be a pro.

Soon, the boat was yours for the day and you and Steve were off, Steve quickly shedding the linen button down he’d put on due to the hot sun. You had to admit, this was lovely. The waters were calm, the sun warmed your skin and you got to watch Steve work, looking like a natural behind the controls (and if you had stolen the disposable camera out of his bag and snapped a few pictures of him, shirtless and a cigar hanging from his lips, well, that was your business). Briefly, you wondered where he was taking you, if he even knew himself, but you found that you really didn’t care. The waters were a beautiful, deep blue, all around you, surrounded by gorgeous coastlines and away from everything else. You let yourself lay back and relax, focusing on the sound of Steve humming some song he knew as you closed your eyes and let yourself drift. It could have been minutes, maybe an hour, but eventually you came to a secluded shoreline that was more rocks and cliffs than beach, and he was beginning the process of anchoring down.

“Pretty spot, huh?” He said through a grunt as he lowered the anchor down.

You nodded, “Yeah, how’d you know this was here?”

“Guy working the docks mentioned something about this. He said there probably wouldn’t be many people here but damn, it’s nice not having anyone here.” He looked around, hands on his hips in an approving stance before he turned to look back at you, “Wanna cool off?”

Once Steve confirmed that the boat was secured, you shed the tank and shorts you were using as a cover-up and jumped into the cool water, Steve quickly following suit. The cold was a shock to your heated skin, but you welcomed it, taking your time to float back to the surface. Once you reached the surface you wiped the water from your eyes to look for Steve, only to find him right behind you in the water, hair an absolute mess and a hand reaching out for you. You took it, allowing Steve to pull you to him until you were settled in his lap, both of his arms around your waist to keep you flush against him. 

Steve smiled at you then, squinting a little under the bright summer sun. "Hey, sweetheart." 

"Hi," You answered back, winding your arms around his neck before kissing him, just because you wanted to. Just because you could. 

His eyes were softer when you pulled back, his grip a little tighter as if he was scared you'd float away if he wasn't careful. But soon after you noticed it, it was gone, replaced with a look of mischief you remember all too well.

"Steve, what're you-" before you could finish your sentence he'd maneuvered your legs from around his waist, grabbing handfuls of your thighs and throwing you back under the water. 

You were met with the cackle of Steve's laugh once you fight your way out again, "Way to ruin the moment, jackass."

"We'll make more," he told you, still smiling and you couldn't help but smile with him, not even minding when he lunged for you and pulled you under again, you taking him under, too. 

The hours passed, and the splash fights under the hot sun made you both crave the lunch you packed sooner than later. You swam back near the shore together, Steve making his way back to the boat to grab the cooler while you headed to a large, flat rock that looked suitable for lounging near the water.

The two of you were quiet as you ate, side by side, thighs touching as he peeled your oranges for you and you split your sandwich with him. Nostalgia hit you like a freight train, and you remembered sitting on the edge of Lover’s Lake some time in your very late teens, you and Steve in this exact same position, eating Pringles and candy while you two talked about life and what the two of you wanted to be.

Part of you wondered, back then, if you and Steve would ever be something more. If you could ever stop being scared and tell him how you felt about him, if he would feel the same. But Steve still seemed hung up on Nancy and you were scared, because Steve was a good friend, and he was Steve and the thought of not having him in your life hurt. So, you stayed quiet, met your business professor in your second year at Hawkins Community College, and fell in love. 

Or maybe lust, or just some false sense of security. Because he was an older guy, stable and sophisticated. He called you pretty and made you feel good and safe, enough to give everything up and make him your world. What a colossal fucking mistake. 

Needless to say, you and Steve never became anything more until now. Now, sitting beside him on a beautiful cliff in Italy, you wondered if you could have been more. If you would have told him then, would he have surprised you, told you he felt the same and kissed you breathless?

Would everything be different today?

“How’d you decide on this place?” Steve asked you suddenly, effectively breaking you from the thoughts spiraling in your brain.

“You mean Italy?” When he nodded, you replied, “I knew I hated Hawkins and I hated seeing my fucking ex everywhere, so I needed to leave. We had talked about coming here, maybe for a honeymoon or something. I always thought the pictures looked so pretty, so I came. Leaving you guys was hard as fuck, though. The hardest thing I've ever done."

Steve looked at you then. Something in his gaze told you that he wanted to say something else, but he settled for, “I was proud of you for leaving, you know.”

“Oh yeah?”

“For sure. I mean, I’m still proud of you for getting out when you did. Wish you would have never even met that asshole, but y’know, I’m glad you did what you wanted to do. I’d say you picked a good place, though. I like it here. Can see why you love living here so much.”

There it was again, that little bit of hope that just kept growing and growing. The hope that maybe, just maybe, he’d get out of Hawkins, too. It was a pipe dream, you knew it, but that small fact didn’t squash whatever was blooming. But then:

"Even though I was also super bummed when you left. You know, I had a huge crush on you."

What?

"Wait, what?" You exclaimed, turning your body to face him because what a fucking bombshell.

He scratched the back of his neck, suddenly shy under your wide eyes. "Yeah, had a crush for a while, even when you were, uh, with that guy. Just never had the guts to tell you."

"Steve, I liked you too!" You whined, "I always thought you wanted Nancy! Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" He countered, sounding flustered as ever. "I mean, I did still want Nancy, y'know, after we broke up, but that didn't really last long. Not after we started hanging more."

You groaned when you let your head fall into his shoulder, "Dammit Steve, you mean we could have been doing this when I was still in Hawkins?" Your mind was racing, your heart felt like it was about to beat right out of your chest. The missed opportunities and what ifs flew through your mind at the thought, and it nearly made you sick. Because for so long, having Steve as you did back in Hawkins was enough for you, but God you wanted so much more. And now you knew that you could have had it.

The thought that Steve could have been yours for so much longer than these fleeting summer months, that maybe if one of you would have actually had the guts to speak your mind, everything would be different. Maybe you two would have been together. Hell, the two of you may have even been married by now, with one or two little Harrington spawn running rampant all over Hawkins.

The thought made your heart hurt.

"Yeah, guess we could've been," he said it more to himself than to you and it sounds a little like regret. You were both quiet as you sat there, your forehead to his shoulder and his hand on your bare back. You wondered if he was thinking the same thing you were, wondering where you went wrong, how you could be so stupid.

You wondered what this revelation meant for the two of you. 

August

The month of August was one of the best you could remember. 

August slipped away into a moment in time

'Cause it was never mine

After working overtime for the first two weeks of the month, you had managed to convince your boss to let you take your summer holiday during the last two weeks of August. It was normally unheard of, since most of the continent was on summer holiday and it was still peak tourist season, but you somehow managed to convince him that your second in command could handle the winery for a couple weeks. 

Begrudgingly, he agreed. 

Steve was set to leave on the last day of the month, since the school year was beginning just after the start of September. While you didn’t understand how that would leave him with enough time to get himself ready for the new school year, you didn’t question it. 

You had your friend for a little longer, and that’s all that really mattered to you.

Steve had insisted that the two of you do something fun for your last weeks together, promising to foot the bill and make it memorable for the both of you. After too many pretend arguments that almost always ended in kisses and one of you underneath the other in your bed, the two of you landed on Barcelona. It was freeing, to pack a bag and just leave for a good reason this time, with a good man with good intentions by your side. 

You and Steve went without a plan, apart from Steve booking The Serras Hotel for you both. It was a lovely old building, with bed linens softer than any fabric you'd ever felt in your life and a perfect view of the water from your room. 

If you didn't know any better, you'd think Steve was trying to impress you.

Your days were spent consuming your weight in paella and sangria, then walking it off in the city, only to find more delicious food in the evenings. Dancing the nights away at whatever little night club you walked by that looked interesting. Going to the beach, then deeming it entirely too overrun by people, then opting to go back and spend the day at the rooftop pool instead. You did whatever you wanted, or whatever Steve wanted, with no rules and it was some of the best times you could remember. 

Near the end of your trip, you and Steve decided to spend the day trying to find the Sagrada Familia simply by wandering the city. Steve had said that "It's such a tall, pointy building, how hard could it be to find?" And who were you to argue with that very sound logic?

It turned out, finding a 'tall, pointy building' was, in fact, very difficult when you were on the ground and literally every building around you was a tall building.

The two of you wandered for hours, stopping for a quick lunch only to walk some more. Your legs were tired, your back ached (Steve tried to carry both his bag and yours, but you shut him down every time). Near two in the afternoon, you were tempted to beg him to just get a fucking cab, but you didn't really mind because Steve never let go of your hand for the entire walk, and he never stopped trying to make it all a little more bearable. And God, it worked. He didn't even have to try to make you smile, really. He just had that effect on you now.

It was that day that you realized something very important, and very fucking terrifying. 

That day, as you were both sweaty and sticky, tired from walking and not minding one bit because Steve was by your side, you realized that you had fallen in love with him over the summer. 

Or had you fallen back in love? Had the love you felt for him in Hawkins ever really left you? You thought that it had, because it had been years. Years of a failed love with someone else, of moving to a different country and leaving everything you knew behind. You thought that the mark Steve left on your heart had faded away long ago, but now, you weren't so sure it had ever left.

Sometimes you swore you could see it in his eyes, too. Not just lust, but some sort of adoration that went far beyond the bedroom or the realm of friendship. You thought you saw it in the way he held you at night, the way he never let go of your hand in the busy city streets. It wasn't just Steve being Steve; no, there was something else there. Something else beyond the nice gestures and sweet smiles. 

You almost asked him about it countless times. If his feelings for you lingered like yours did. If they were somehow found again over the summer, or you were just making things up in your head. 

But once again, you were too scared. You never did ask.

On the last night of your stay, you were both tired of the sweaty nightclubs and busy streets, so you opted for walking down to the beach to get away from the tourists instead. 

The beach was peaceful as you spread a blanket out onto the cool sand. It was almost empty, save for the random passerby every now and then. The only sounds were the soft crashing of waves, the distant sounds of the city, and Steve’s voice in your ear as the two of you talked about the trip, the summer, what to eat for breakfast before heading back to the airport in the morning.

Never about what was coming in a couple day’s time. Not about him leaving, and not about what would come after.

That was okay, though. 

Because you were together, for now. You and Steve, sitting side by side, stealing kisses between watching the waves lap at the shore. 

"Good idea, huh? Coming here?" Steve said, gesturing at nothing, but you assumed he meant the overall trip.

You agreed. "Yeah, although you didn't have to do all this. You could at least let me pay you-"

"Nope, not a chance. This was paid for and sponsored by the Harrington Estate, thank you very much."

This was the first time he'd mentioned anything about what had happened ever since that first night. "Do you wanna talk about it?" You asked softly.

"About my dad? No, told you, I'm fine."

"Steve, are you sure?"

You felt Steve shift beside you then, mirroring him when he sat cross-legged to face you. "Hey, I promise I'm fine, okay? We hadn't talked in a few years before, anyway. Sure, he was my father, but he wasn't a dad. So, I'm okay. And if I'm ever not okay, I'll let you know, okay? I'll call you up and you can listen to me scream and cry. I promise."

You snorted despite the moment, "That'd be a hell of a phone bill."

"I don't care. I miss hearing your voice anyway. Letters aren't really the same, you know?"

You did know, they really weren’t the same. They were never enough, and they'd never be enough, especially after this summer.

Steve spoke again, "Are you okay? After everything that went down in Hawkins?"

"Oh, yeah! Yeah, I've been good. Went through a period of berating myself for being so fucking stupid, but that's about it." 

"We all do stupid shit when we're in our twenties. I think you're good."

You offered him a nod, "I forgave myself for it a while back. I just wish things could've been different." You hope he'd catch the meaning behind your words, that you wished things could have been different for you and Steve. That maybe the two of you could have built a life together. 

You didn’t miss the pain in his eyes before he averted your gaze, the nod of his head that told you that he knew exactly what you meant, and yeah, he felt it, too. "Yeah, wish they were different, too." He brought his hand to your bare knee, tracing some pattern onto the skin, "I'm gonna miss the hell outta you, you know that?"

A lump formed in your throat at his words, at how tender he was being, so you only nodded. Afraid that you’d let out a sob if you did anything else. So, you just laid a hand on his, squeezing, almost as if he’d float across the ocean right then and there. Because you were going home tomorrow, and Steve was leaving you the day after, and you weren't ready for that yet. He seemed to understand your silence, so he didn’t wait for you to respond. He already knew what the answer would be, anyway. Instead, his free hand found the nape of your neck, tangling through the hair there and pulled you closer to him, pressing his lips to yours. The kiss was a little clumsy, and a little messy, but neither of you seemed to care because the time was slipping through your fingers like the sand underneath you. 

And as the two of you fell back into bed together that night, something shifted. It felt different than all of the other times over the summer. It was like it always was, in a way, with Steve pressing his lips on any bare skin he found and whispering praises against you, but it felt different this time. This time, he made sure to take his time with you, exploring all he could, leaving marks he was sure would last for longer than his remaining time with you.

This time, it felt like saying goodbye. 

So much for summer love and saying "us"

If Steve noticed the way your mood would randomly sour during those last few days, or why you got a faraway look in your eye on the plane ride back to your home, he never commented. He'd always bring you back with sweet nothings and a kiss to take you out of your funk. You wondered if he was distracting you on purpose or if he was just that clueless. 

It would work, obviously. His little distractions would remind you that he was still here, still yours for a little while longer and you'd force the thoughts to the back of your mind. But they always came back, haunting you.  

The metaphorical tick of the clock was always there in your mind, because time was running out.

You wondered what would happen after. When Steve got on that plane back to America. Would things be as they were? A letter exchanged every few weeks, an email every other day once you both were able to get a computer? Would Steve ask you to go back to Hawkins to visit, or would he want to come back here to see you? How often would you be able to see one another? Because before, when you and Steve were just good friends, you both went five years without seeing one another, and somehow, you'd both survived. Letters sent across an ocean was enough. The wanting to see each other again was enough. But would it be enough now? How could it ever be?

You wondered if he would ask you to go home with him.

Would he want you to be with him, back in Hawkins? Would he want you to leave with him? Leave the life you've created for yourself here? If he begged you to run away with him, would you?

Or, would he want to stay here in Italy? Pack up his old life and build a new one in a new country? Shit, could you even ask him to do that?

More importantly, would he say yes if you did?

Livin' for the hope of it all, for the hope of it all

The morning of August 31st came way too soon.

You and Steve had been sitting on your bedroom floor all morning, packing the last of his things in between sipping coffee and reminiscing about the months you'd spent together before you had to leave for the airport after lunch. The coffee did little to soothe the knot in your stomach, but you held onto your mug anyway, needing something to do with your hands. A thought had been eating at you for the past few days; worming its way into your brain until you could hardly think about anything else. 

Because little sparks of hope had been lighting all summer. Comments made by Steve about the country, kisses pressed into your skin under bedsheets, laments about Steve not wanting to go back to Hawkins. They all bundled together and lit a fire of hope in your heart.

But what was the phrase, hope is a dangerous thing?

You wondered if you should just get it out. If you should ask the question that had been on the tip of your tongue for days. It might have been selfish, or wrong, to ask. It might have blown up in your face, but you had to ask. No more being scared to speak up for what you wanted. 

“Can we talk about something?” You asked suddenly. When Steve nodded, you opened your mouth to speak, closed it, then repeated the process. Now, that you had his attention, you couldn’t get the correct words out. Finally, you settled for, “Did you like it here?”

Steve didn’t answer right away, seemingly perplexed by your random question. “Yeah, I loved it here. Y’know, the food was awesome, I liked where you worked, it was cool. And yeah, being with you was amazing. Why?”

You considered his answer, averting his gaze when you asked your follow up, “You ever think about leaving Hawkins, too?”

“Sweetheart, what-”

“Would you want to stay here with me?” The silence that followed your question was deafening. After a beat, you allowed yourself to meet Steve’s eyes again to try and figure out what he was thinking. 

“Do you mean to- I, what do you mean?”

“I mean you could stay. This summer with you has been amazing and I-I think we would be good together. Would you ever consider it? We used to talk about leaving Hawkins, when we were younger - do you still think about it?”

He stood then, running his fingers through his hair. When he remained silent you continued on, rising to your feet as well. You felt frantic, like you had to explain yourself more. “You could go home, you know, get everything in order, but then come back, if you wanted? And then we could be together, like, actually together. Would you ever want that?”

Steve sighed then, a loud sound that made you stop in your tracks. “Sweetheart, I can’t just not go back, or go back just to leave again. What the hell would I even do here? I can't just pick up a teaching career in Italy, can I?” You hated how his voice sounded regretful, almost pitying and damn near making you cry, but then he surprised you.

“Would you want to come home with me?”

His words were a shock to your system. They knocked the air right out of your lungs. His eyes were on you, and they broke your heart because they were pleading, begging you to say yes. You couldn't think, could barely fucking breathe because didn't you want this? Didn't you want to be together with Steve? Didn't you want to keep him forever, build a life with him? To wake up in the morning close to him, sip coffee across from each other before work? Go home to him every night, instead of an empty apartment?

It sounded nice, right? 

But could you leave this? This little idyllic part of the world you’d called home for years now? The job you loved, and you had friends here, too. Could you be happy back in your shitty little hometown again? Worst of all, what if you did leave with him, and everything would blow up in your face? What if you followed Steve home, only to realize that you were only good for each other for a short while, and not for the long haul? And then you two would break up and have to see each other all over Hawkins, remembering what you gave up here?

You didn’t know if you would be able to handle that. 

Steve continued, “I thought about it too - it started in Barcelona - I was thinking about how much fun we had this summer, right? And thinking about leaving hurts, and it's 'cause I'm leaving you. So, would you ever consider coming back? Fuck, you could even come with me right now, I’ll buy you a ticket, I don’t care-" 

You knew what he meant, because the thought of him leaving was killing you. You hated knowing that you wouldn’t wake up next to him in the morning, and that you had no idea when you’d see him again. Still, you knew the answer to his question, and you hated that you had to give it.

"Steve, I don't want to go back." You tried to take a breath, but you couldn't calm yourself because you saw the hurt in Steve's eyes at your words. "I wanna be with you, I want it so badly, but not there. I can't just leave. I can't leave this just to go back to Hawkins."

You watched as he physically deflated, his disappointment quickly turning to indignation. "You're saying you'd never go back? For anything?"

"I- fuck!" You brought your hands to your eyes, rubbing until you saw stars, remembering the question you had tortured yourself with for days. 

If he begged you to run away with him, would you?

You had wanted the option for the whole summer. You wanted Steve to ask you to be with him, even if you didn't know if you could leave with him. Or, at the very least, you wanted him to want to stay. To fall in love with the country like you did and want to make his own life here. 

“I can’t leave this,” you said, tears gathering on your lash line because it killed you to say those words.

You watched as his eyes narrowed, shoulders rolled back, and you could practically see the fight ignite in his eyes, “Are you saying you won’t come back for me? After all this? You won’t come back, but you expect me to just stay here ‘cause you asked?”

“You’re a fucking Harrington, you can do whatever you damn well please. Hell, you booked this trip on a whim, you could stay on a whim if you wanted!”

“It’s not that easy!” He wasn't screaming, but the sudden volume of his voice startled you. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re adults now! We’ve got things to take care of, so no, I can’t just stay on a whim.”

He moved closer to you then, “You know what I think it is? I think you’re just scared. You were scared back then, after all that shit happened so you just left! You left me, and everyone else. You just ran away from your problems because you were a coward, and you’re still a coward.”

“Don’t call me a fucking coward!” you yelled, voice cracking, and you hated how his words cut you because this felt a lot like a breakup, like you were losing him for good. This felt like the end. 

It wasn't supposed to end like this.

Steve only continued, and you saw a glimpse of the old King Steve that you thought he had left behind. Biting, out for blood. “No, I think you’re just scared. You’re scared to admit how you feel, scared to leave this little bubble you’ve created for yourself.”

“Dammit Steve, you want me to admit how I really feel?” You felt your tears flowing freely at this point, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. “Yes, I’m scared to go back because I’m scared that it’ll all be for nothing! I’ll go back, and we’ll realize that we were only part-time soulmates, and then I’ll be miserable again. Because that would hurt even more than this does, and this hurts like hell.”

He was silent, his eyes were softer but you couldn't stop. "Why can't we be together here?" You begged, "Why can't we just stay here?"

When you were only met with his silence once more, you realized that you were at an impasse. Neither of you were willing to give up the lives you've built in order to build another life miles away, not even for each other. You both seem to come to this realization at the same time, because Steve's shoulders sag, and your breath hitches, and you see the shine of tears line Steve's eyes. You realize that the time for the two of you had passed, and that you're not going to be together after this. Now, you're just two people who fell in love at the wrong time.

"This isn't gonna work, is it?" His voice is lower now, but you don't miss the way it hitches at the end. "You're not coming with me."

You shake your head, heart sinking at the finality of his statement because this was it, "And you're not staying here."

"No, I can't, sweetheart."

You were expecting that answer, you knew that answer, but hearing it still stings. Because while you knew it was selfish, you wanted to keep him here, all for yourself. Even if you knew how unrealistic that dream was.

But the dream was over.

"Hey, come here," he whispered, and you didn't hesitate to fall into him when he reached for you. “I’m sorry for yelling; I didn’t mean to call you a coward. I didn’t mean any of it.”

You allowed the tears to fall, dropped your head to rest on his chest one more time. His grip around your waist was crushing and you felt the wetness of his own tears on your neck, but you didn't dare pull away from this. You breathed him in to ground yourself; rosemary and mint shampoo, fresh coffee, remnants of his cologne mixed with your laundry soap. The mix was intoxicating, comforting, and you wished you could bottle it up, save it for when your apartment would feel empty once he was gone.

Because you knew it would. You’d feel him everywhere, his side of your bed, his favorite coffee mug, the mark he'd left on your heart. He’d linger for long after he was on that plane.

“For what it’s worth, I love you” you said, your voice barely above a whisper.

“Well that doesn’t do us any good now, does it? It might be the worst thing I’ve heard you say all summer” he responded with a caustic chuckle. “But for what it’s worth, I love you, too. You know that.”

Though it was hard to admit to yourself, you saw the bitter irony and humor in it all and found yourself letting out a small laugh through your tears. The two of you stood for a few more minutes, not wanting to break contact, but knowing it was inevitable.

"What happens now? Still friends?" You heard him mutter against your shoulder, felt him hug you a little tighter like he was scared to let go. You were glad that you weren't facing one another now, because you hated to lie to his face.

If you were honest, you'd say that you'd try to stay friends, but that wasn't really going to happen, was it? Not after everything that happened over these months. No, Steve would go home, you'd both write to each other for a while, acting like you never broke each other's hearts. But then, Steve would find someone else, and maybe you would, too, and the letters would just bring up glorious, painful memories about what happened here. What could have been if things had been different back home. And then, pretty soon, you would both forget about this summer. The pictures on your fridge would fade and eventually Steve would just be someone you knew in a past life.

You could try to keep things as they were, but soon, you'd drift apart. No matter how much you both wanted to pretend that you wouldn't. That's just how life goes.

"Yeah, Steve," you said, tears flowing freely, unashamed of the way you were clinging to him before this moment was over. "Still friends, always."

[g33kyfr3sh]

YO JOE JUNE! (pt.1)

[bleach-boyz]

Chapter 5: Haggard

prev. // next

In late 2002, Jackass: The Movie was released to monumental success, and the whole cast became full-blown celebrities. Audiences loved it, and its popularity led to each cast and crew member getting lots of recognition and a huge check. This was the first time you felt not only creatively satisfied but financially satisfied by a project you worked on. The entire experience truly felt like a gift. 

As a member of the crew, you were able to go to all the promotional events and parties the cast were invited to, which meant you got to meet and party with countless famous people. 

The partying had definitely been taken to the next level in terms of how fucked up everyone would get. You’d occasionally take part in some pills or other drugs that were offered to you, but mainly you stuck to just drinking. You definitely couldn’t keep up with Steve-O or Pontius for very long at a Hollywood party, but you’d stay on pace with people like Ryan or Knoxville. 

Truly, your lives had never been more crazy, but with Bam, there was always another project to work on. Even while you were working on Jackass, he’d been insisting you still pump out new CKY films, the fourth of which was released only a month after the Jackass movie. He was an extremely ambitious force, which you admired, but it meant there was rarely a break from the chaotic lifestyle you’d all adopted. 

Earlier in 2002, while Jackass: The Movie and CKY 4 were in post-production, waiting to be released, Bam had come to you with his idea for the movie Haggard, which he’d started writing recently. He wanted you to work closely with Joe Frantz, basically just being another assistant director like you were for the Jackass movie. You agreed, but there was one aspect that made you hesitant to be involved. 

The film was about Ryan Dunn’s relationships. 

After your dramatic acceptance of your feelings towards Ryan that night in Tokyo, you had been avoiding spending too much alone time with him for your own sanity. Although his breakup had actually stuck this time, he definitely still needed space to figure himself out and move past it all. You hoped that’s what Haggard would do: let him release all his frustration and finally walk away. 

Still, you two continued to be around each other constantly with all these projects you were working on, and Ryan kept confiding in you with his feelings about the breakup when he could get you alone. He still looked to you as his friend and someone to lean on, and even though the platonic nature of your relationship pained you, you couldn’t deny him what he needed. 

You’d resolved for your feelings to remain unrequited, at least till the end of shooting for Haggard. It was borderline masochistic on your end, but you felt a responsibility to your friends and coworkers to make sure there was no interpersonal drama or complication. You’ll reassess whether or not it’s time to say something once the film is done. 

Filming in West Chester for Haggard was a bit complicated sometimes. The director and star of the film were now super famous and in high demand, and Bam, in particular, was always having to fly out at the last minute for random appearances and projects. The constant stopping and starting was annoying to you since you were the one having to make the shooting schedule. You had a late June release date in 2003, so you were working overtime to plan everything out. Really, all you could do was make sure you filmed as much as possible when everyone was in town. 

There were some particular scenes that you weren’t looking forward to filming—those being between Ryan and his new love interest, “Heather”. For obvious reasons, helping direct and film your crush being intimate with someone else would be difficult for you, and you were especially insecure about it because Jenn had asked a really attractive friend of hers to play the role. 

Jenn actually found out about your crush on Ryan during a drunken confession one night when you two were out alone. You’d sworn her to secrecy, and as far as you knew, she hadn’t told Bam. She would often encourage you to make a move or tell him your feelings, but you insisted that it wait. 

The only other person who knew about your feelings for Ryan besides Jenn was Dico. You hadn’t intended on telling him either, but after living with someone for so many years, you’re able to pick up on subtle changes to their usual behavior. He’d noticed the way you avoided taking smoke breaks with Ryan as often and how you’d make sure when you all went to bars or restaurants you weren’t ever sitting next to him. At first, Dico thought something had happened to make you dislike Ryan, but after an interrogation, you just decided to tell him. You also swore him to secrecy, and although it didn’t seem like it had gotten out yet, neither Jenn nor Dico were historically good at keeping anything quiet for too long. You were anxiously awaiting the day Bam or Raab would bring your crush up publicly to embarrass you. 

The first night you were scheduled to shoot with Ryan’s love interest “Heather”, you were shooting in a local bar that had agreed to let you film for an hour. All you really needed was some b-roll of the two being lovey-dovey to establish the budding romance. 

-

"Well, where the fuck is she?” Bam asks Jenn as she comes inside after calling her friend. We are all set up to film, but the girl who’s supposed to play Heather is nowhere to be seen. 

“She’s not coming.” Jenn says. 

“What do you mean she’s not coming? Why not?” Bam asks, annoyed. You can tell he’s starting to get a bit cranky, like he usually does at the end of a long day of shooting. Jenn rolls her eyes. 

“I don’t know what to tell you. She said her boyfriend got skeeved out at the last second about her making out with some random guy, and he won’t let her do it.” Jenn says, and you furrow your eyebrows. 

“Well, what are we gonna do? Frantz and I are getting on a plane tomorrow to shoot the HIM video, and we only have the bar today for like 45 more minutes.” Bam states. 

“We’ll just get someone else here to do it.” Jenn says and looks over at you suggestively. Bam notices this, and your eyes widen. No way did she mean you. This had to be a joke.

“You don’t have any other hot friends who could get here quick?” Bam asks Jenn.

“Not quick enough. Also, most of them already said no when I was asking around for someone to play the part in the first place.” Jenn responds, and Bam pouts and grabs the shooting schedule for the rest of the month from Joe. This is supposed to be the last month of filming, and every day Bam is going to be in town, we have something else lined up. 

“It would be best to find a way to do it now. It was already a bitch getting the owner to allow us this time today; we’d have to find another day he’s okay with, and I doubt he’d give us a time that would fit into our current schedule. We’d have to rearrange things, and we’re already running behind given our release date.” Joe explains. Bam sighs grumpily. 

“This is the best option; it’ll be great.” Jenn says, smiling at you. You suddenly remember what the conversation is about, and you start sweating and shaking your head. 

“Well, alright, fine.” Bam says as he scans you up and down. “You’ll need a different shirt, but I guess it’ll work. Jenn, you two switch shirts.” He says. You look down at your shirt, which is an oversized WaWa t-shirt. Bam would have to blur out a logo like that in post. 

“Wait! I don’t know if this is such a good idea." You finally get some words of objection out. You aren’t an actor! And there's no way you’ll be able to keep your cool playing Ryan’s love interest. 

“I don’t want you to do it either, but do you see any other chicks here?” Bam asks, and you look around. Nothing but dudes. Fuck. 

“Can I talk to you in the bathroom?” You ask Jenn and grab her arm before she can answer. You two walk through the bathroom door, and you cross your arms. 

“What the hell was that?” You ask, and Jenn throws her arms up in defense. 

“What?” 

“Your friend doesn’t even have a boyfriend.” You say, and Jenn smirks. 

“Yeah, but I thought I’d help you out with your little crush.” She says. 

“How is this gonna help me?” You ask, rubbing your face with your hands. 

“Well, you two can finally kiss and be intimate, which is what YOU want. And Ryan will totally be into it and realize how horny he is for you, and if he’s not lame, he’ll ask you out or whatever.” She explains. 

“That’s very optimistic... Also, we’re shooting a movie; none of it will be genuine.” You say. 

“Who cares?”

“I don’t know Jenn,” you start, and then hear a pounding at the door. 

"Cmon, we’re running out of time!” Bam yells from the other side. 

“Look, if you really don’t wanna do it, then you can go tell everyone out there I lied, but I think you should just get over it and see what happens.” Jenn says.  

You sigh. You know that, feelings for Ryan aside, you are the only option if you all want to keep this film on schedule. That commitment and responsibility would have been enough to make you agree without thinking, had your scene partner been anyone else. That fact that it’s Ryan, though, makes you incredibly nervous and hesitant. You are mainly afraid you’ll somehow, through acting, reveal your true feelings and embarrass yourself. However, you’d be lying if you said there wasn’t anything exciting about the situation. Jenn is right; you do desperately want to kiss and be intimate with him, and you are compelled to just take what you can get, regardless of how “real” it will be. 

Knowing you need to make a decision, you finally cave and take your top off. “Give me your shirt.” 

When you two walk out of the bathroom, you spot Ryan wearing an eyepatch and sitting on a bar stool at a small table in the back of the bar. You could only reserve the back section for shooting, so there are a few random customers milling about, mostly paying no mind to the camera.

You feel very self-conscious, as already a few men are eyeing you. Jenn is smaller than you, so her black top fits you very tightly. Additionally, it’s pretty low-cut, leaving you showing off more cleavage than you usually do in public. You haven’t been exceedingly insecure about your body since high school, but you still feel most comfortable in oversized t-shirts and sweaters. A lot of the time, you get jealous looking at women like Jenn, who wear a lot more feminine and fitted clothing, because you don’t think you have the confidence and body to pull off wearing anything similar. Right now, this self-consciousness is only exacerbating your feelings of anxiety over the entire situation. You cross your arms in front of your chest and nervously walk over to where Ryan is sitting. When you arrive, he looks up at you and smiles. 

“Are you okay with me filling in?” You ask, making sure he isn’t uncomfortable with the idea. 

“Oh yeah, it’s chill; I don’t mind.” He says. 

You sigh, relieved, and drop your arms as Bam heads over to you.  

“I should make you two switch shirts more often.” He says, and you roll your eyes and maybe catch Ryan checking you out in the process. That gives you the tiniest boost of confidence, and you sit down on the stool across from Ryan. You take a sip of the beer that has been sitting on the table. 

“Just tell me what I have to do again.” You say, feigning annoyance when really all you can feel is unease. 

“All I need is like a few minutes of footage of you two being flirty and talking and kissing or whatever. I’ll speed it up in post and throw a song over it, so it doesn’t really matter what you say. You just need to seem into each other. Try not to look awkward.” He says and directs that last part to you. 

“I’ll do my best.” You say sarcastically and look over at Ryan. His face is unreadable. 

Bam walks back behind the camera, and the two of you are left staring at each other. You want to say something—maybe crack a joke to diffuse the tension—but you can’t. 

“I hope this isn’t too weird for you.” He finally says, and you take a deep breath. 

"Well, is it weird for you?” 

Before he can answer you, Bam calls action. 

It’s not quiet, due to the commotion happening in the other parts of the bar, but all of that feels incredibly distant. You somehow manage to keep your eyes on Ryan, lean in, and put your elbows down on the table to prop your head up with your hands. 

Ryan takes this as his sign to move closer, and you feel his legs intertwine with yours under the table. He lights a cigarette. 

“I don’t know what to say," Ryan says as he takes a puff. 

“Me neither.” You say and observe Ryan’s body language. He is leaning in, but his speech and his face make him seem a bit timid now. He’s nervous, maybe. He is playing with his cigarette in his hand, and you can feel his leg shaking under the table. He doesn’t look uncomfortable necessarily; he's just a little lost on what to do and antsy. This display diminishes a lot of the intimidation you were feeling, and you realize that you need to take the lead. 

You lean forward even more and grab Ryan’s free hand with yours. He looks down at this and then back up at you. 

“Just be normal. Act like I’m a girl you really like.” You say, trying to focus him in for the sake of footage but also pining for his attention. You two had never really been in a position like this, and you’d spent the last few months so needy for his touch that you don’t care if your friends are watching and filming you now. You want him badly. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Joe bring another camera over to film from a different angle. You look at him for a second before Ryan lets go of your hand and grabs your chin to focus your eyes back towards him. You feel your face burning up; you’re wearing makeup today, though, so hopefully the redness doesn’t show. 

Ryan tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear and offers you the cigarette he’s smoking. You try to keep your hand steady as you grab it and take a puff, never letting your eyes leave Ryan. You hand it back to him, and his other hand goes back to holding yours. You look down and think about how big his hands are compared to yours. 

“What are you thinking about?” Ryan asks, and you look back up at him. His energy shifted entirely after what you said, and now everything about him is dripping with confidence and flirtation. You don’t know if he’s just a good actor or if there may be something real to it, but you are absolutely not in a position to complain. You decide if he’s going to turn it up, you might as well go for it too. The fact that you can hide your real feelings behind the pretense of acting drives you to take your chance and be as forward as you like. 

“Your hands are big.” You say, playing with his hand. 

“Yeah?” He says and watches you, amused. 

“Also,” you begin, eyeing him coyly, “it’s probably time for you to kiss me.” He raises his eyebrows. You have a tiny moment of regret, afraid you might have made Ryan uncomfortable, but soon after, he’s smirking and leaning in. You hold your breath and lean in too. 

It’s just a peck, but as he pulls away from you, you can’t help smiling. It was innocent and only lasted a second, but you can’t help feeling so happy. You know you may be giving yourself away, but Ryan’s face surprisingly reads just as content as yours. Before you can say anything, he’s leaning in again to give you another quick peck. When your lips touch, your heart skips a beat, and when he pulls back, you feel all giddy. 

You think you hear Ryan say “cute” under his breath before he takes another drag of his cigarette. Soon after, Bam calls cut, and you’re brought back to reality. 

“Good, now I wanna get some more footage of you guys standing up over here.” Bam points next to the pool table. 

You wait for Ryan to get up before moving yourself. You follow behind him to where Bam had pointed. You try to regain composure and not think too much about the fact that you just kissed your crush for the first time. Well, the first two times in fact. 

You and Ryan stand opposite of each other as Joe sets up the cameras. 

“Having fun?” Ryan asks you, and you let out a pained laugh. You resent the fact that he can stay so calm during this. 

“It’s alright.” You say and he grins. He’s being so cheeky, and it’s impossible to tell if he’s enjoying being intimate with you or if he’s just entertained by the whole situation. 

“Alright, ready to go.” Joe says, and soon after, Bam is calling action again. 

Ryan immediately grabs your waist and pulls your body closer to his. You feel weak over how close your bodies are and grab Ryan’s hand to steady yourself. 

Being affectionate with Ryan makes you painfully aware of how much you miss being this close to someone. All this time, you’ve been yearning for Ryan, but above that, you yearn for someone to hold you, a companion, someone who desires you as much as you desire them. Behaving like this warms you up inside. Ryan kisses you on the forehead, and you swear you’re about to melt. 

You stay close like this for only about a minute before Bam yells cut again. It takes you a little longer than last time to snap out of it and let go of Ryan. When you finally do and take a step back, you feel cold. 

"Alright, we just need to get some more interior and exterior b-roll of the bar, but you guys don’t have to be in that. We’ll meet you back over at Ryan’s for the sex scene.” Joe says, and you freeze. 

“Sex scene?!” You ask frantically. You don’t remember ever talking about that. 

“It’s not really a sex scene; we just need some footage of you guys making out for the end when we show all the couples getting together.” Joe explains, and now you remember. 

It’s one thing to do cutesy flirting and tiny kisses with Ryan; it’s another to put yourself in a compromising position and fully make out with him. When you agreed to step in and play the part earlier, it totally slipped your mind that you would not only have to film the bar scenes, you’d have to film all of them. 

“Do we really have to?” You ask for your own sake and catch Ryan raising a quizzical eyebrow at you. You realize that he’d known this whole time that he’d have to make out with you, yet hadn’t shown any concern about it.

Of course, you’ve imagined making out and even having sex with Ryan. Late at night, you’d often fantasize about different scenarios that would lead to the two of you being physically intimate. Needless to say, the situation unfolding right now is not at all similar to any of your past fantasies, and you really have no idea what to expect from Ryan. All you know is that the chances of you keeping your composure are slim to none. 

“Every romance movie needs an obligatory sex montage. Keeps the dudes interested.” Bam states. 

“This is a romance movie?” You ask. 

“Look, just drive over there; we’ll meet you.” He says, and you make eye contact with Jenn across the room. You signal for her to come with you and you make her get in your car with you.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do here, Jenn. You gotta help me.” You say as you two sit inside your car, still parked outside the bar. 

“You’re doing great; you two looked so cute.” She says as she adjusts the rear view mirror to look at herself. 

“This whole thing is so weird. It’s gonna freak him out if he finds out I actually like him.” You groan. 

"No, it won’t. I swear he looked really into you in there. And Ryan is definitely not a good enough actor to fake something like that. If anything, he’s probably gonna pop a boner when you make out later.” She jokes, and you throw your head back against the seat. 

“Jenn,” you start, and then hear someone knock on your window. The sound surprises you, and you jolt forward, only to see it was Ryan. You roll your window down. 

"Sorry, you know how to get to my apartment, right?” He asks. 

“We’ll just follow you.” Jenn responds, and Ryan nods and leaves. You roll your window back up and start your car. 

“I’m gonna be sick.” You say as your nerves travel from your chest to your stomach. 

“It’ll be hot.” Jenn says and smiles mischievously at you. 

You get back to Ryan's, and it’s just you, him, Jenn, and Ryan’s roommate Justin for a little while. 

While you wait for the others to show up, you all have a couple beers and a casual conversation. You feel awkward because all you can think about is what comes next, so you hardly say anything, just listen. Jenn tries to get up at one point, but you grab her leg and make her stay by your side. You catch Ryan eyeing you periodically, but do your best to ignore it. You have to focus all your energy on attempting to appear normal. 

When Bam and Joe finally arrive, you’re a few beers deep and feeling slightly more relaxed. As they set up the camera, Jenn comes up beside you and offers a mint. 

“Funny.” You say sarcastically but still grab one. 

“Don’t worry, I gave Ryan one too.” She laughs. 

They set up the camera in Justin’s room because Ryan sleeps on a mattress on the floor in the basement. You feel a little weird about making out on a random dude's bed while he’s in the building, but he assures you it’s fine. 

You and Ryan enter the bedroom, and it’s about as quiet and weird as you expected it to be. 

"Okay, so I guess just lay down and both of you take your shirt off." Bam starts, and your heart thumps louder than you’ve ever heard it thump before. You look over at Ryan, who is already taking his shirt off, and you slowly start to do the same. You try to tell yourself that it’s no different than going to the pool, as you are left in just a bra on your top half. You then go to lay down on the bed and watch as Ryan comes up beside you and stares down at you. You shiver and avert your eyes. 

"Alright, now I know this is kinda weird or whatever, but I just need you guys to make out for about a minute. The camera is gonna be really close to your faces, but try to ignore it; definitely don’t look at it. I’m gonna start rolling now, so just go whenever.” Bam instructs. 

You look out at Bam and Joe right up on you, and Jenn is watching from the doorway. Your breathing increases, and you feel your face warm up at how tense and uncomfortable the atmosphere is. You then feel the pressure of the bed shift as Ryan starts climbing on top of you, caging you in. 

“Are you okay?” He asks as he holds himself over top of you. 

Are you okay? Well, no, you’re not. At no point throughout this whole process have you been okay. You’ve only been able to get through so far by focusing on your feelings of responsibility and desire. You felt responsible to keep the film schedule on track, to help your friends when a problem arose, and to fix it. And you felt desire—the desire to touch Ryan, to be with him no matter the circumstance. It’s clear now, as you look at him over top of you, which of these two feelings is starting to take over again. 

Ryan’s face reads as protective and eager while he waits for your answer. You can tell he’s concerned about your comfortability in this moment, but you see an unbridled hunger in his eyes, like he could pounce any second. This look sends a surge of lust through you, and suddenly everyone else in the room falls away in your mind. 

You reach out and grab Ryan’s face, pulling him down and connecting your lips into a kiss. There’s a half-second of surprise from his end before he’s kissing back with fervor, supporting his weight with one hand, and holding your face with the other. 

You try to keep up as he takes control over the situation, forcefully slipping his tongue into your mouth. He kisses you like he needs it to live, and his passion and dominance does nothing but turn you on. 

You tangle your fingers in his hair and let one of your hands travel down his back. Ryan’s body rocks back and forth, causing your crotches to graze over each other ever so slightly. You almost whine, wanting more friction, but suppress it and kiss him back with even more neediness. 

At some point, he starts kissing your neck, and your head starts spinning. He sucks on your skin ever so slightly, and you can’t help this time from letting out a small moan. He stops what he’s doing and looks at you ardently, clearly excited by the noise you just made. You blush and just pull his head back up to keep kissing you. 

After a few more moments, you hear Bam yell cut, but it feels far away. You somehow manage to snap out of your daze and pull your lips away from Ryan, opening your eyes and seeing all the others in the room staring at you two. 

You, feeling suddenly embarrassed by how taken away you got, push Ryan off of you. He looks just as out of it and goes to sit on the end of the bed. 

“Jesus Christ you guys.” Bam says teasingly. 

“Are we good?” You ask bashfully as you sit up. 

“Yeah, good work.” He says, still poking fun at you, and you get up, put on your shirt, and leave the room. Jenn follows you out to the kitchen, and you let out a huge breath you didn’t know you were holding in. 

“That was crazy.” She says, and you shush her, afraid the others might hear. 

"Sorry, it’s just that he’s definitely into you.” Jenn whispers. 

Up until now, you wouldn’t have believed that, but what just happened in that room had you rethinking a lot of things. Ryan had come at you with such force and need that you didn’t see how it could be fake. All this time, you’ve thought your crush was hopeless and that Ryan would only ever be able to see you as his friend. Now, you weren’t sure what to think. You know that your behavior exposed your own feelings, though, and you definitely don't want to know anyone's opinion on it right now.

Ryan, Bam, and Joe walk out of the bedroom, and Ryan looks distracted. Bam and Joe seem to be laughing to each other about something, likely what just occurred. 

Part of you wants to talk to Ryan about what happened, and part of you wants to take him back into the bedroom and continue it. Your thoughts feel too scattered to be able to speak coherently, though, and you can’t shed how flustered you feel having been filmed getting so carried away in front of your friends.

“I have to go cause, uh… well, Dico and I were gonna watch a movie, and uh… yeah.” You say, quickly wave, leave the room, and head out the front door before anyone can respond. 

You silently drive yourself back to your apartment, ignoring Dico once you get there and throwing yourself down on your bed. 

You check your cell phone and see a missed call from Jenn. You grunt and toss your phone on the floor. 

What did this all mean? That’s all you could ask yourself as you lay down in the dark. 

Ryan had clearly kissed you the way you’d kiss someone you liked. You couldn’t deny that. If he did like you, though, how long had he liked you? It can’t have been too long, seeing as he’s been so hung up on his ex. Had he just realized it today, as Jenn said he would? What does he want? To fuck? To date? Nothing? There are too many questions. 

You are adult enough to know there’s no way to get an answers without talking to Ryan directly, but god, that’s so scary. There’s always the chance that his behavior was just a momentary lapse of control. That he, having not been intimate with someone in a while, got carried away, and it had nothing to do with you being you. If that were the case, bringing it up might only make things awkward. 

Regardless of what his deal is, you’re now stuck playing his love interest in the movie. Luckily, there aren’t many other scenes you have to be in, and none of them are like the ones you did today. Nevertheless, you're dreading having to meet for those scenes now that you've made yourself so transparent, and you know you'll be unable to avoid any teasing from Bam and Joe.

You roll over on your back and stare at the ceiling. Even through all this worrying, you can’t help but crack a hopeful smile. 

Because maybe this is the start of something.

---------------

Heyyyyy. It's been a second since my last chapter, so sorry about that. Things are moving hehe. Again I appreciate everyone reading, hopefully you like the way things are going. Finally gonna move into Viva La Bam era next chapter and we're gonna stay there for the rest of the story. Lmk if you wanna get tagged.

@arsonistsloth

[soop-musical-fool]

Ok I said I would make a pin full of music so here it is

First off, I mentioned KNOWER. It's a long project that started a really long time ago, but their best stuff is probably coming out like right now. As in, they are just about to release a new album, KNOWER FOREVER. The singles on it are incredible, like I'm The President just comes right out the gate with the fattest walkdown I've ever heard from a horn section. The B section makes it feel like I'm enjoying a song like I would a multiple-course meal. Then Crash The Car just transfixes you. Yes, yes, you should listen to those, but don't neglect the fire they put out in 2017 because you owe it to yourself to watch the live sesh of Overtime:

Oh god this post is gonna make viewing my blog super annoying isn't it

Anyway the next thing I gotta mention is Vulfpeck. These guys are famous for scamming Spotify, basically. They released an album full of 30-second tracks of pure silence, just absolutely nothing, titled Sleepify. They got online and said "Yo guys, help us raise money for a free concert by listening to this on loop while you sleep." What they were actually doing was exposing a loophole in the way Spotify calculated royalties, and before they could pull the album (citing "content policy violations," of course), Vulfpeck had already bagged around $20,000, so they put on the completely admission-free Sleepify Tour, which was incredibly fucking based of them.

Vulf went on to become several spin-off projects, all entirely independently released and full of some of the stankiest funk fusion that I cannot stop listening to.

My favorite of these projects, The Fearless Flyers, is headed by Cory Wong, with a guitar idol of mine for 5+ years Mark Lettieri and of course the government subsidized active bass of Joe Dart, but the keystone of the group is no doubt Nate Smith on drums. Dude makes a three-piece set onstage sound like a full kit.

Like just look at what they can do with the added power of sax:

And yeah, I could just talk about those guys, but let's get weirder.

I'm talking modal. The kind of stuff that makes my choir-trained mother cringe inward at the dissonance. Let's talk about the crunchiest, most feral fucking harmonies and keyboard solos that make you question what you thought you knew about chord progressions and key centers.

Obviously anyone super into this stuff will have already heard of Jacob Collier, so I won't show him. But THIS:

I listened to this the first time and it was just.. too much. I put it in its own specific playlist titled "very complex shit" immediately. When I went back to it, enough time had passed and I had learned enough that after way too many listens I can actually follow along with this insanity. This track blew my fucking mind, dude. I have never heard a chorus use so many of the 12 chromatic notes and still sound heavenly. The groove changes add so much texture. The flute solo goes off way too hard. The slower final section is just disgusting syncopation when the drums come back in. Everything about it is incredible, and this album came out in 2007. I am staring back at years of my life I spent not listening to this and ruminating my lack of music theory knowledge. And when I wanted to see if some kind transcribing jazz grad student like June Lee had uploaded anything of System, I found a 2020 reboot with 24 musicians playing System for over twice its original runtime, and guess who did the showstopping final solo??

JACOB FUCKING COLLIER.

Look him up if you don't know. The other musicians I obsess over inspire me. This guy makes me want to quit.

[omegaremix]

Omega Radio for June 16, 2021; #267.

Black Sheep: “Without A Doubt”

Salt N’ Pepa ft. En Vogue: “Whatta Man”

Digable Planets: “Nickel Bags”

Fu-Schnickens: “Sum Dum Monkey”

Lord Finesse & AG “Fat For The 90’s”

A Tribe Called Quest: “I Left My Wallet In El Segundo”

Heavy D: “Don’t Curse” (f. various artists)

Arrested Development: “Mr. Wendel”

Nice & Smooth: “Return Of The Hip-Hop Freaks”

Kris Kross: “Warm It Up”

2Pac: “Brenda’s Got A Baby”

Yo-Yo: “Homegirl Don’t Play ‘Dat” (RMX)

Warren G: “Do You See”

Bone Thugs N’ Harmony: “1st Of Tha Month”

Fat Joe f. Diamond D & Grand Puba: “Watch The Sound”

Chi-Ali f. Phife Dawg & Dres: “Let The Horns Blow”

Outkast: “ATLiens”

West-Coast Rap All-Stars: “We’re All In The Same Gang”

Three Times Dope: “Weak At The Knees” + “Funky Dividends”

Naughty By Nature: “It’s On”

LL Cool J & various artists: “I Shot Ya’ (RMX)

Lifer’s Group: "Real Deal”

Boogie Down Productions: “Black Cop”

Kid Frost: “La Rasa”

Grand Daddy I.U.: “Represent”

Scarface: “A Minute To Pray And A Second To Die”

Lost Boyz: “The Lifestyles Of The Rich And Shameless”

Slick Rick: “Mona Lisa”

Tone Loc: “Funky Cold Medina”

The Notorious B.I.G.: “Who Shot Ya?” + “Big Poppa”

Ice Cube & Ice-T: “Trespass”

2 Live Crew: “Banned In The U.S.A.”

Mobb Deep: “Still Shinin’”

House Of Pain: “Who’s The Man”

Coolio: “Fantastic Voyage”

Sir Mix-A-Lot: “Baby Got Back”

Bonus Omega; golden-era hip-hop and rap.

[rachirodehills]

Toon June ~ Day 1

Toon June ~ Day 1

YOU KNOW WHAT,

it's a little late but, I'm joining in! I'll try to catch up!

but here is day 1 my favorite cartoon characters

Violet, Rosie, The Redesigns ~ (C) @Rachi-Rode-Hills, Random-Island, ETC Minnie Mouse ~ (C) Disney, Mickey Mouse Spongebob Squarepant ~ (C) Stephen Hillenburg, Nickelodeon, SpongeBob SquarePants Yang ~ (C) Bob Boyle, Disney, Jetix, Yin Yang Yo Lazlo ~ (C) Joe Murrey, Cartoon Network, Camp Lazlo The Collector ~ (C) Dana Terrance, Disney, The Owl House Characters, Background ~ Affinity Designer

Editing, Filter ~ Clip Studio Paint  

[simeonscott]

Blasting Into Cobra Base!

My little homage to Kickliy Yilkcik's wonderful recent Joe artwork.

[farsight-the-char]

YO JOE!

....

Kelly Thompson will write Scarlett, and Marco Ferrari will do the art. The first issue will be out on June 5th.

Shana “Scarlett” O’Hara is about to take on the most dangerous black ops mission of her career: infiltrating the mysterious rising power in Japan known as the Arashikage Clan. Her one lead is her former partner—Jinx—turned Arashikage enforcer. Now, Scarlett must use her operative skills to survive undercover… and discover a shocking weapon that could change the balance of power on Earth.

I guess this is where we are getting Snake Eyes?

....

Dan Watters and artist Andrei Bressan will launch Destro #1 on June 19, 2024.

James McCullen Destro XXIV is the man behind M.A.R.S. Industries, the undisputed leader in providing high-tech weapons to world powers…for the right price. But the emergence of Energon has changed everything. As Destro’s ambitions grow, the “Crimson Twins” Tomax and Xamot Paoli emerge to destroy their competition, and Cobra Commander realizes his current ally could be his future greatest enemy.

Gun God, Meet Your Avatar.

[gijoe-forever]

[starrgaymer]

KEY = GAY

Ce'pk nm ytpgnekrq zo juvc

Eos qnmc tfk rsreq gnb yo bu I (bu I)

Y lujr cmsmgzmctt'q chyz I'k zhgtkgtg ml

Yma wmalbt't ekt rniq lrms ale ornep muw

O jsyt ugnlg tcrl wuu fuw G's fcklgtg

Eutrg myqe wuu stdcxsrgnb

Tetkr eunlg ggbe wuu sv

Ncbep molta jkt wuu buwl

Tetkr eunlg rst apuulj alj dcyepz yma

Ncbep molta kgkc eos irw

Tetkr eunlg sye gmudzee

Lkvcx gmtny zejr a joe ytd farr eos

Ce'tk kluwl kaan ornep lop yo june

Eosx hcgrr'y bckn yihgtg, zat wuu'pk tmu sfe tm yaw ot (qgy gz)

Ilyibk, wc horn kluw unar'y bckn euilm ol (mogtg mt)

Wc qnmc tfk gyse ytd uk'rc molta nraw ot

Ytd gl yma aqq mc nou O'm dkejone

Jol'z tcrl kk yma'rc zom hlgtd ru sck

Ncbep molta eovc eos ap

Lkvcx gmtny rer eos jout

Ncbep molta pan yxostd ytd bkscxt wuu

Lkvcx gmtny saik yma cpe

Ncbep molta qgy euobhyc

Tetkr eunlg tcrl y ric gnb nupz yma

Ncbep molta eovc eos ap

Lkvcx gmtny rer eos jout

Ncbep molta pan yxostd ytd bkscxt wuu

Lkvcx gmtny saik yma cpe

Ncbep molta qgy euobhyc

Tetkr eunlg tcrl y ric gnb nupz yma

(Omn, ggbe wuu sv)

(Omn, ggbe wuu sv)

(Omn) Ncbep molta eovc, tetkr eunlg ggbe (eovc eos ap)

(Muh) Lkvcx gmtny mitk, ncbep molta eovc (mitk yma un)

Ce'tk kluwl kaan ornep lop yo june

Eosx hcgrr'y bckn yihgtg, zat wuu'pk tmu sfe tm yaw ot (ru sye ir)

Onqodc, ce zutf qnmc wfgt'q hect gmone un (euilm ol)

Ce itou zhc makk alj wc'xe eunlg pjgy gz

I hasr calta rklj eos nou O'm dkejone

Morza kgkc eos anbkrqzalj

Ncbep molta eovc eos ap

Lkvcx gmtny rer eos jout

Ncbep molta pan yxostd ytd bkscxt wuu

Lkvcx gmtny saik yma cpe

Ncbep molta qgy euobhyc

Tetkr eunlg tcrl y ric gnb nupz yma

Ncbep molta eovc eos ap

Lkvcx gmtny rer eos jout

Ncbep molta pan yxostd ytd bkscxt wuu

Lkvcx gmtny saik yma cpe

Ncbep molta qgy euobhyc

Tetkr eunlg tcrl y ric gnb nupz yma

Ncbep molta eovc eos ap

Lkvcx gmtny rer eos jout

Ncbep molta pan yxostd ytd bkscxt wuu

Lkvcx gmtny saik yma cpe

Ncbep molta qgy euobhyc

Tetkr eunlg tcrl y ric gnb nupz yma

What 😟

[drewschermickblindone]

blindone- HER 21

sole- Apocalyiptica 8 feat. Gun Dolo

Tachichi & Moves- Lobstermania Intro (prod. Rhek)

Dillon & H2O- Outlaws

fermented reptile- the law

Dope KNife- Inereyes (prod. Paul Abdul)

King Syze- Real Shit (feat. Akrobatik & John Jiggs)

Shyheim- On And On (feat. June Luva & Milk D)

Oscar Goldman- Hurts (feat. Casey Chisholm and Myles Bullen)

Godfather Don- Assuming Dat

Chief and TheDoomsdayDevice- Gangstalking

SPAN PHLY- SpyKidz3D featuring Judgement of TSOI

ambition jay bizzy ghettosocks thesis sahib & ginzuintriplicate- the mackay bridge is over(feat.aquakultre sean one & tachichi)

Parish PMD Smith- Gimme The Mic (feat. Ace Brav & RJ da Realst)

rob crooks and bazooka joe- infinite haymaker (ft.timbuktu)

Tay Da Crown- Over the Edge (feat. Vell & ATM The Professional)

Uncommon Nasa- New York Telephone (w, Yesh)

kool keith & mr. sche- ride & mug

rob sonic- mink

Self Jupiter- Before I Kill the Beat

Masai Bey- Aural Tradition

kno x sadistik- mothlight feat.natti

Awkward- Mega Dolphins with Megabusive

Thorts & Unsung- Molasses feat.Chris Conde

Teddy Faley- An Incomplete List

serengeti- caucs remix ft. mf_grimm and juice

more or les chokeules timbuktu jesse dangerously and wordburglar- all day

Canibus & Phoenix Orion- Sit Yo Hot Ass Down Ft. K-Solo & Michelle Regnier Mezzo Soprano

Nine- tha product (wit u-neek)

2mex feat sully and k bourne- yacht rocking

Ayentee- New Currency

labtekwon- i am here (12 inch version)

Jurassic 5- A Day at the Races (ft. Big Daddy Kane & Percee P)

Tank Gawd (Moka Only & Kutmasta Kurt)- Microphone Deflection

Qwel & Maker- En Garde Feat Qwazaar

Gel Roc- Here I Am Ft. Ceschi

Menes the Pharaoh Sea- Achildrensbookofdemons (feat. Sea_Swordz & 7rinth)

Andrew Mbaruk & Eric Bennett- Bored, Dining With Lord Byron

Witness- Lower Case

Jedi Mind Tricks- In the Coldness of a Dream

Freddie Gibbs - Life Of A G (ft. Z-Ro)

numb- Save A Friend

[singeratlarge]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to June Allyson, Mary Badham, Amiri Baraka, film composer Marco Beltrami, Toni Braxton, Pastor Paul Boxmeyer, Lewis Capaldi, the Broadway run of CATS! (1982 and went for 18 years), Simon Cowell, conductor Charles Dutiot, Allen Ginsberg’s HOWL (1955), Kevin Godley, Taylor Hicks, activist-songwriter Joe Hill, Dave Hope (Kansas), drummer Jo Jones, musician/engineer Sven Jorgensen (thank you for the amazing mixes you did on my YELLOW HOUSE album), Bernard Lavilliers, Yo-Yo Ma, Al Martino, John Mellencamp, Tim Minchin, musician-entertainer Rick Moher, Vaughan Monroe, Nathaniel Raitleff, The Rolling Stones version of “I Wanna Be Your Man” (1963), Judee Sill, Michael W. Smith, composer William Still, Tico Torres, Desmond Tutu, Tata Vega, Thom Yorke, and singer-songwriter, guitarist extraordinaire, and journalist for Guitar Player magazine Jimmy Leslie. When he’s not doing his “freaky freehand” fretwork as guest guitarist for Shana Morrison and other acts, he’s with his band Spirit Hustler doing his cosmic rock that, on an interplanetary jukebox, would play between The Allman Brothers, David Bowie, Funkadelic, and Pink Floyd. I’m grateful for the studio sessions and live shows we’ve been able to do together…check out Jimmy’s page: https://www.facebook.com/Jimmy-Leslie-Music-244868758879482/  + here’s a recording we did together w/singer-songwriter Scott Newiger https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=043pMjcgNZo ...and HB JL. Thank you for your years of twanging out joy.

#jimmyleslie #birthday #guitarplayer #johnnyjblair #sanfrancisco #oakland #singersongwriter #shanamorrison