#Yes I know the music in alien stage is Korean but like. Come on

[lyn-ne]

Hey chat, hear me out

[abbydramarambles]

The REAL Ending CLOY

This is my headcanon and you can’t tell me otherwise. The epilogue in Switzerland is set a few years after the events of that piano concert. They have already found a way to be together more permanently. To me the house doesn’t seem like a vacation house, it seems like a home home. 

There is that photo of Se-ri on the bridge, not something one would frame for themselves. RJH definitely lives there. Check out the north Korean coffee kettle and other souvenirs as well. This is the sort of stuff one would have in their home.

The only thing holding RJH to North Korean is his parents, the fact that they could be killed if he were to defect. After they die, he has no reason to stay. We’ve already been shown that he is resourceful and would know exactly how to get out. Not to mention that everything in north Korean runs on money, if you have connections like Se-ri and RJH do....anything is possible. And to me these two people with all their power, well they would find a way.

Dan’s mother travels out of the country a lot as well for business. I think the 2 weeks is the longest trip Se-ri takes while RJH’s parents are alive. It’s not the only trip of the year. I doubt her employees would be saying “you’re going to Switzerland again??” if it was a once a year sort of deal they wouldn’t think she had a man. They even say “it’s lasting a while this time”. Come on who in the world would think it’s a relationship if their boss goes to switzerland for 2 weeks a year. It’s her favorite 2 weeks of the year because of it being uninterrupted time. 

Well with her wealth and his determination, and connections via his family, I'm sure they'll find a way eventually, either it is his parents passing away (since it has been about 6 years between him going back to NK and the epilogue meetup), or him somehow getting a long term mentoring position at Switzerland. You’re telling me Dan’s mom a department store owner can swing to Europe anytime, and Se-ri who created a whole scholarship for her man can’t swing something in collaboration with Papa Ri?

I got the impression the student performing his song on stage was a full-time student in Switzerland. RJH is not studying abroad but is teaching NK scholarship winners. Seri has been traveling back and forth a lot but these two weeks are the longest continual time they have together. 

When Seri first sees him in Switzerland she asks how dangerous his journey was, and he didn’t answer, just said he got on the wrong train but reached his destination. “Destination” implies a final location to me, not just a two-week stay. For two people who find it torturous to be apart for even a moment, destination would not have been thrown around like that. It could’ve taken his Dad some time to manage the politics to make a permanent teaching position with the National Symphony. He did see his son cry in the car after leaving her. That man is powerful, the 3rd most powerful man in North Korean. A political manipulation genius, a man always one step ahead of the others. He got his son and 5 people in and out of South Korea. You best believe he can make it happen. He’s not going to sit back and leave his only son living without his only dream. Plus RJH was never a flag waving patriotic North Korean anyway. He already expressed that he wanted to stay with SeRi in South Korea, have a child that looks just like her. It’s kdrama script writing 101 to not have your lead character mention a deep desire such as this one unless its foreshadowing or serves a larger purpose. And Park Ji Eun is no noob writer. 

Let’s look at the way the show itself references fate and destiny. Regardless of how impossible it may seem, these two always managed to find each other again. Fate is pushing them together and is on their side. I don’t think fate wants them to meet 2 weeks a year. Fate didn’t make them meet in Switzerland, in North Korea, in South Korea, and in Switzerland again for 2 weeks a year for the rest of their lives. I can’t entertain that.  A lot of people think that the epilogue on the hill and when she meets him for the first time again in Switzerland with the parachute are the same time frame. I don’t think so. I really do think the piano concert is the ending and the picnic is the epilogue. It’s years from then, when everything has been sorted about how to be together permanently and it’s a window in to happy every after. Just look at their body language and expressions in the last scene, they are totally at peace and seem to have gotten everything they wanted. Even the music radiates peace. Listen to the lyrics of Sigriswil that play as the camera pans out “wandering this strange night, won’t you be here by me? now I hold your hands, with you I’ll be alright...how does it feel, my friend? It’s been a long day and night” THEY ARE NO LONGER WANDERING ALONE THAT IS THE POINT. period. It was a “long day and night, but now I hold your hand” ... how does it finally feel to have your happy ever after....my friend. IT REEKS OF OPTIMISM and closure. In film making the atmosphere says everything about what is unsaid in the script. 

You best believe he won’t leave a stone unturned to be with her, see her grow old and live in the house of dreams with their twins. Just the fact that he vocalized this thought in the show leads me to believe that it did indeed happen. 

Believe in what the show is telling us to believe. What it’s showing us, not telling us even. That love will always find a way. 

Cloy’s ending also reminds me of  very heavily of (spoiler) that of “my love from the stars”. It was written by Park Ji-eun, the same writer as CLOY. So yes they are forced to be apart in that show too, but he finds his way back and each time they meet its for longer and longer and its implied that one day it will be forever. If an alien could find a wormhole to make it back to his love interest, north korea isn’t looking too bad. Same thing with her other star crossed lovers show “legend of the blue sea”. The mermaid finds him again against all odds and they live happily ever (plus a baby). Hey I’m just saying that the precedent has been set on how this seperation works through our writers own works. Having seen all of Park Ji Eun I know exactly how she structures her endings. It’s almost always the same. The mermaid made it back, the alien made it back...north korea is where we draw the line? They’re only apart for awhile till they figure it out, and they work hard to do so.

Whatever this image is from TVN left it unaired. They shot something they had to pull back. My crack theory brain says she looks a bit pregnant. Actually, that ain’t even a crack theory, I stand behind it. Son yejin is so slim, and judging by the material of the dress it just wouldn’t fall like that unless they were trying to make her look pregnant. Like LISTEN, just LISTEN to me. They put in the effort to get the actors in these outfits we have never seen before, they even gave seri flowers...whY?? There are no other purely promo shots that didn’t have footage attached. The only ones I can think of are the ones they took in front of a greenscreen for the photoframes inside their house. THIS WAS A REAL SCENE THAT WAS DELETED.  South Korean dramas pre-film certain scenes (like the swiss ones) and live film the others to make slight changes to the storyline based on audience reaction. During airing there was quite a lot of political backlash a la north korea. 

There are some stills TVN released that weren’t screencaps. But ALL of them were in outfits relating to scenes we have seen, such as this one.  It just would make no sense for them to go out of there way to get this image on the jam packed expensive swiss schedule and not just do greenscreen in korea like they did for all the other promo material UNLESS it was a real scene. 

So you want more evidence for plot points that indicated the original, unaired, together forever in Switzerland ending?

Let’s look at some details, at one point in Episode 14 when Jeong Hyeok's father is meeting with the bad guy Senior Colonel who tries to use photos of Jeong Hyeok in Korea as a bargaining chip, he says "You should retire quietly. Using your health as an excuse won't raise any suspicions." now whilst this may be a casual reference to him being old and that health issues are plausible, it's also possible Jeong Hyeok's father has had some long term illness they've not mentioned which would add to why it wouldn't raise suspicions.

The main reason I thought of this is it would sort of line up with some other details, in the finale when they're deciding whether to send them back or not, at the NIS briefing they mention how the North has requested keeping it quiet and confidential, they mention "They want the confidentiality term to be five years. They're being sensitive about it because one of them is a high-ranking officers son". Then if we fast forward toward the end when Se-ri is receiving the timed messages, a year passes after her birthday message from Jeong Hyeok, after that scene we see Jeong Hyeok having his farewell meal with the townspeople and preparing to leave after being accepted as a pianist for the National Symphony Orchestra, presumably around the same time as Se-ris birthday given that scene was right before. Se-ri then comes up with her Switzerland Music academy idea probably a few weeks or month or so after she read RJH's text about meeting and then it tells as it's one year later, Se-ri waits but doesn't meet him and returns home, her mum says "It breaks my heart to see you return in disappointment every time" which if that's a correct translation it means it's been more than once by this point. Add up this entire timeline....guess what it comes out to. FIVE YEARS. That’s how long it takes them to sort out a permanent solution for their problem.

When he chooses to defect it will be much easier for him considering he’s making trips to Switzerland already. All he would have to do is walk into a South Korean embassy in Zurich. They have an open door policy for North Koreans, he doesn’t even need to cross the DMZ again. 

You want even MORE proof? Okay my friend, I’ll bite. Why are there photos of a couple with children?? Honestly come on I really don’t have to say more.

They had to leave the ending open. Due to the political situation, they couldn’t exactly show RJH, a North Korean, defecting. Pretty sure our buddy Kim Jong-un would not be chill with that.  However ridiculous it is, the show had multiple attacks on it while it was running by political parties saying it violated the “national security act”.

The ending was clearly cleverly re-edited to be less explicit so the viewer can read between the lines but the show-runners can protect themselves from lawsuits and public sentiment regarding a sort of maybe illegal situation. If you believe they met for two weeks a year for the rest of their lives, you don’t know RiRi Ri-eally well ;) 

[daesungindistress]

I know BB is in a difficult time right now but reading Taeyang's recent interview just made me accept that this is really happening to them. Taeyang really wants BB to work out and I'm glad he said they're trying their best to aim for that. It sucks that OT4 have to pick up the pieces for the mistakes they don't even commit.

His comments on Big Bang and Coachella come off as cautious, but that’s to be expected right now. Given the current climate, the last thing they should be seen as is cocky. They’re expected to be contrite – to express all the remorse and self-reproach their departed member didn’t. And honestly, while I want to think they’re more confident about their future plans than this interview suggests, this guarded approach… it feels genuine. 2019 was dreadful for BB as a group. Even though OT4 weren’t implicated in the Burning Sun controversy, the severity of the scandal can’t be ignored; many of their own fans turned their backs and left because the actions of one broke trust in them all.

It’s so sad to hear that the invitation from Coachella gave them trouble. They knew that any decision they made would look bad and they’d receive criticism. “Any choice is not easy for us now.” They’re caught between a rock and a hard place. They’re well aware of how mangled their image is after the events of last year – badly enough that, as the interviewer pointed out, among Koreans a comeback is still viewed as premature.

But the invitation was an unexpected opportunity, one they couldn’t pass up. Because who says no to Coachella? And what a boost of confidence, right? In a difficult time when they weren’t even sure how many of their own fans were still by their side, one of the world’s biggest and most celebrated music festivals came calling, offering them a place on the stage. I’ve seen VIPs liken this opportunity to their 2011 MTV EMA nomination, drawing comparisons between then and now, reminding everyone that they were on the verge of disbandment after the hell that was 2011… until their unexpected win at the EMAs reinvigorated them and gave them the courage to try again.

In the same way, in late 2019 when they were floundering, when what they needed was a sense of direction, something solid to grab onto, something new, they were thrown another lifeline – and this time its name was Coachella. Taeyang said that before the invitation arrived there was “no answer.” No answer to the question of their future, I think he means. It seems Coachella was the answer they were looking for, dropped in their laps at just the right time. A much-needed sign that the world still wants them, fate and circumstance (or maybe God himself) telling them that this isn’t the end.

So yes, this is really happening. Taeyang said he wants to “work through this difficult time together in the most realistic and wisest way.” I think his wording here is important.

1) Realistically, Big Bang has lost a member. A member who realistically cannot and will not come back to the team. Five is just a memory, and a future as five a fantasy. We have to be realistic about this, and that means accepting that Big Bang is now four. This is the way forward.

2) “Wisest way," he says. I’ve been contemplating this since he said at his discharge event that BB would need a lot of wisdom going forward. Then, after the Coachella announcement and the almost nonchalant, act-like-nothing’s-wrong way it was presented, I began to wonder if one reason why the members haven’t spoken up about you-know-who and the state of the group is because they consider it unwise to do so. Think about it: when a sizeable, zealous chunk of their fanbase is still telling them their support is conditional, still insisting on “five or nothing,” is it wise to cut those fans out? To alienate them by sternly shutting them down? Five is impossible and “nothing” is not what they want, their decision to play Coachella with four members makes that pretty clear. Sadly though, they’re in a poor position right now to be at odds with their own fandom. Especially when Korea is not very accepting and they need international support.

In addition, is it kind? BB know how badly VIPs were hurt in 2019 – many still feel wounded. I’m sure the last thing the members want to do is add to that pain. In this interview Taeyang spent some time explaining that one thing he thinks he learned to do better in the military is communicate. Specifically, how to address a troubling issue with loved ones with understanding and empathy, saying the right thing while maintaining a good relationship. “If there is a loved one around you, if you really love that person, you need to know how to say the right thing even if it’s difficult. How do you communicate that?” As for BB, he said he feels responsible and it’s his calling to make sure they work through this together. I think he touched on this for a reason; it’s not just the members he’s helping, we can see that he’s putting his new communication skills to use right now in his careful handling of the fans.

I’m not surprised that Taeyang has stepped up and assumed this burden of bringing everyone to a peaceful resolution. For as long as I’ve known him, he has always taken a hands-on approach to caring for the fans, direct when he needs to be, and always kind. This time though, from the members themselves the situation calls for some serious tact. As much as I’d like them to come out with it already, like ripping off a band-aid, a statement as blunt as “Big Bang is four” would deal a terrible blow to the many fans who are still hoping for five. I’m so sad for BB, that there is this need to tiptoe around the issue at all. If more of the fandom had their heads on straight the members wouldn’t have to.

So I think they’re going to do their best to keep the peace while letting their actions and work speak for them. New stages, new schedules, new music. They’re going to take care of us as best they can given the circumstances and work together, with us and with each other, to make this new BB succeed.

[marshmallow-phd]

Classroom Disruptions

Request:  anon: MY GOD I THIRST. Can you please do a Lay from EXO tidbit, where you're a teacher in China from the states and go to a meet-and-greet, and he's smitten? 💘🎀💘🎀

A/N: Here you go, nonie! I changed it up a little. I hope you don’t mind!

Genre: fluff

Pairing: Yixing x Reader

**

The entire school was in an uproar. It was nearly impossible to keep the kids at a normal, inside volume as they chatted away about the visitors that were coming today. As a rural school, the children were hardly ever exposed to treats like this and it was making them even rowdier than usual.

You, on the other hand, were only partially excited. The crew of Go Fighting was bringing in the stars to interact with the children and sit through a lower level English class for an episode of the odd variety show. And you were one of the lucky teachers they picked to be featured. From your point of view, it was a catch twenty-two.

On one hand, you were a closet fan of Yixing’s. You loved his music and had even seen a few of his films. He was amazingly talented and the idea of seeing him in person went from a small wish you never really indulged in to actually coming to fruition by pure luck. But the teacher part of you was not looking forward to the disruption the cameras and film crew would cause. This was going to be a free day for the children that you didn’t want to occur. You couldn’t expect them to absorb any of the information when celebrities were sitting just a few feet away and you didn’t want any of them to fall behind.

Just as you were gathering up your materials to start the lesson, a knock came at the opened door.

“Excuse me?”

Every head in the classroom, including yours, turned to investigate the intruder. Many sighs of disappointment could be heard when it was discovered that it was just an ordinary person. By the way he was dressed, he was a producer on the show. His English was heavily accented, but clear and understandable.

You walked up to him, wondering if the time was really now. “Yes?”

“The stars are almost here,” he informed you. “Can you pause the lesson until then?”

Well, that was… frustrating. You only had a limited amount of time with the children and this was heavily cutting into it. But you didn’t really have a choice. You turned to Mei, who acted as your interpreter, and she nodded in agreement. The grin on her face was the biggest you’d ever seen it. She was just as excited as the children, doing nothing to hide it.

“Sure,” you agreed, nodding lazily. “How much longer will they be?”

In perfect timing, the producer’s cell peeped in his pocket. He took it out and glanced at the message. “Now.”

A sudden panic came over the producer and he started shoving you back towards your desk. “Act normally. Normally.”

It was a hard task to not roll your eyes. You flipped right into teacher mode, writing out the short little story that was to be used in today’s lesson on the whiteboard. For a few moments, the children were quiet, the only sounds from them shifting in their seats and playing with their utensils on the desks. Then the excited whispers and gasps erupted just as you finished underlining that last important word.

As calm and uninterested you had tried to appear, it was hard to keep up that facade when you turned towards the door.

Followed by a plethora of cameras were three members of Go Fighting’s main cast. Show Lou walked in first, waving to the excited young audience before giving you a small bow. Wang Xun came in next, looking around the classroom like he’d just boarded an alien ship. The last to enter, receiving the biggest applause and greeting, was Zhang Yixing.

Teacher mode. You needed to stay in teacher mode no matter how handsome your newest temporary pupil was.

Then he smiled at you, flashing that dimple. If he kept that up, you’d be a goner by the end of the hour. Someone help you.  

As the three celebrities took their seats among the empty desks, they introduced themselves to their new classmates. In the corner of your eyes, you saw the producer urging you to start. Didn’t he know that this was a school, not a studio set?

Inhaling deeply, you took your normal spot in front of the desk.

“Good morning, everyone.” You tried to keep your eyes scanning the room instead of settling on the one person you really wanted to make eye contact with.

“Good morning,” the children replied back along with the celebrities. It was amusing to hear suddenly hear the deeper voices mixed in with the usual greeting. The chuckle just couldn’t be held back from your lips.

“I have a fun story for you today,” you announced as you rounded the desk back to the board. As you pointed to each word, you read aloud slowly, “‘When my sister got married, she wore my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on, the gown fit her perfectly and Mother started to cry. ‘You're not losing a daughter,’ I reminded her, putting my arm around her. ‘You're gaining a son.’ ‘Oh, forget about that!’ she said with a sob. ‘I used to fit into that dress.’”

The few in the room who understood the joke giggled, including some of the crew.

“Now,” you pointed to the first underlined word, “who can tell me the meaning of the word ‘gown’?”

Before Mei even had a chance to translate for the children, a very excited voice answered, “Dress!”

Recognizing the voice, you bit back a grin that would have been too big and slowly turned around.

Yixing was sitting in his desk, waiting patiently to be told that he was correct. It stunned you how innocent his face could be. If it weren’t for his height, he could almost fit in with the other grade schoolers. Very different than how he was on stage.

You lifted your hand and scolded playfully, “You’re supposed to raise your hand before answering. You don’t want to be a bad influence on the other students, do you?”

“Oh, sorry!” he apologized bashfully, showing that dang dimple again. The children were giggling at him while Show Lou was half bent in laughter.

“But yes,” you continued on, “it does mean dress. A dress for a special occasion. Can everyone say ‘dress’?”

The chorus echoed the word back carefully.

You finished out the lesson, going over the rest of the underlined words. There were a few times the Go Fighting cast got the meanings wrong, but you suspected that it was more for laughs and editing purposes.

At the end, there was still about fifteen minutes left of class time before the children could go outside to play. You didn’t really have anything else planned, so you had to think on your feet. The only thing that came to mind was either going to completely humiliate you or make everyone’s day. You were hoping for the latter.

“Does everyone know what a sheep is?” you asked slyly.

Yixing immediately perked up at the word while everyone else replied, “Yes!”

“One of the best ways to learn a new language is through songs,” you went on. “Mr. Zhang, would you like to explain the meaning of some of your English lyrics to the class?”

Letting out his signature giggle, Yixing stood up and walked his way up to the board. And you. It would be a miracle if the cameras didn’t capture your cheeks heating up.

“May I?” he asked with his hand outstretched. It took you much longer than it should have for you to realize that he was asking for the marker so he could write on the whiteboard.

As you opted to sit back and be no help whatsoever, it took a bit of time for Yixing to explain what exactly “Be careful sheep in the neighborhood” meant to a classroom of eight-year-olds, but he eventually got through it. Every so often he would shoot a sideways glance your direction and you tried to keep the giggling to a minimum.

All too soon, the hour was up and the camera men packed up to follow the children to the playground where the cast members were to participate in a few different sports against the students. Relieved that the ordeal was over and you could somewhat get your nervous system back down to normal, you waved goodbye to your students and watched them walk out the door.

When you thought the classroom was empty, you turned your back to the door and began to clear off the board in order to get it ready for the next class.

“Excuse me.”

You paused. It couldn’t be….

It was.

Yixing was still standing there, just a few feet away. Everyone else was gone, Mei included. You were alone. With Zhang Yixing.

“Thank you for the lesson today,” he said once you’d turned to face him fully. His accent was cute, but his English skills fascinated you. The poor boy had difficulty with Korean, but English seemed to be just fine.

“Thank you,” you blushed. Someone save you before you accidentally said something stupid.

One of the crewmen stuck his head back into the classroom and quickly spoke to Yixing in Mandarin before disappearing again.

“I have to go,” Yixing translated. He almost seemed disappointed, but could he be? It was just... you. “It was nice to meet you.”

Unable to hold it back anymore, you smiled brightly at him, getting the dimpled smile in return. “And you.”

He walked out of the classroom and you watched his back until he disappeared down the hall.

When you woke up the next morning, the events of the previous day seemed like one elaborate dream. You sighed heavily before getting out of bed, dressing for the day. Everything seemed normal until you walked into the classroom.

Sitting there on your desk was a fresh bouquet of red roses, fully bloomed and velvet soft to the touch, in a crystal clear vase. No one else was present in the classroom. A card rested among flowers. On it was a short note. You recognized the handwriting right away, having seen it just yesterday.

Meeting you was nice, but can I get to know you more? May I have dinner with you on Saturday?

The card wasn’t signed, but there was a number at the bottom. Zhang Yixing had actually asked you out to dinner.

How could you ever refuse?

[hildegard-von-bingen]

What’s it like to be a child prodigy?

 - from Gone: A Girl, A Violin, A Life Unstrung by Min Kym

We're eight, or five, or seven.  We race ahead (of course we do).  We are child prodigies.  We can't help it.  That's what we are.  We don't ask for it (we don't train to be it), haven't been driven by ambition (not yet).  We are child prodigies, cuckoos in the nest, oddities, freaks.  Later, when we go to music school or college, we might meet someone who is like us, who has lived through the same experiences (there won't be many), but in the meantime we are on our own.  No matter the love and support we get from our families or friends, no matter the guidance from our tutors, we are on our own. We're not like anyone else.  Yes, we can ride a bike or play in the streets, watch TV or jump in the pool, but we are also child prodigies with an ability outside all that.  Maybe it will peter out, maybe we'll crash and burn, maybe turn out to be the best exponent since...since the last one, who knows?  We are child prodigies.  We don't quite know it yet, but there's a long way to go.

What's it like to be a child prodigy?  There are photographs of us everywhere.  I look at photographs of Ruggiero Ricci, a child prodigy at seven.  There he is, in some sort of tunic and his pageboy haircut, holding a violin which seems as big as he is, and I think of my own pictures, in my best frock, the violin huge in my hands.  It's all there in his picture, in mine, the hopes, the demands, the length of time that now lies ahead.  It's not a picture of a child.  It's a picture of expectation, and the pictures is just the start.  You're a child prodigy.  You could be allowed to play on your own (my mother did not recognize my skill, and had to be persuaded by my teacher that it was so), learn bad habits, play as others play, wander down an undisciplined, childish road, but you will not be.  You are there to be put on show.  You will be trained, perfected and pushed out on to the stage.  Maybe not pushed.  More likely you'll go willingly, but go you will.  It is what you are expected to do and you do it. You are a child prodigy and the adult world is awaiting your presence.

What's it like to be a child prodigy?  For a start there's an embarrassment, to be able to pick things up, to be a natural and yet quite unnatural.  There's that peculiar sensation of feeling completely normal within yourself, but acutely aware that you are different.  Somehow, you have to bridge that gap, so that in your mind you're not.  People look at you and see you, not as a child, but as a child prodigy.  You become aware of that.  You form a dual personality.  I formed a dual personality – not a dual nature but two personalities: the performing personality (the child prodigy), and the one that comes out to take part in everyday life (the child).  But I came from a family that had nothing to do with the musical world, which meant that the two worlds were separated from one another as by a cultural wall.  That was difficult. Retreating became one way of dealing with it, not putting myself forward, disguising my “prodiginess” as much as possible.  But then came the question, Well who are you then, if not a child prodigy?  There were those groups in my school where we had to talk about our feelings, say positive things about each other: “I like so-and-so because...”  Without fail every week everybody would say, “Well, I like Min because she's good at the violin,” and I would think, “That's not a quality.  Maybe people don't see me beyond that.”  Introversion became a shield, as, paradoxically, did the thing that had turned me into this child prodigy: my violin.

What's it like to be a child prodigy?  Yes, I could do things that others could not, but with it came other, adult pressures – a sense of responsibility.  The better you get, the more child prodiginess you show.  Your responsibilities take root, flower – to your parents, your tutors, the time everyone has invested in you, the financial outlay (not to mention the financial prospects at the end of the road).  Great expectations, indeed.  You start to carry a burden on your shoulders, a burden that your violin is responsible for, and only it can alleviate.

Writing this I am reminded of an interview I gave just before a recital in Spain.  I have the article before me now.  The questioner asks me, “What's it like to be a child prodigy?” and writes: “Min just looked at me blankly, clearly not understanding the meaning of the word.”  I remember thinking, even then, “No, no, no.  You're misinterpreted me.  I looked at you blankly because I was thinking, 'How can I answer a question like that?'”  It's the question you dread, chasms of thought and doubt and confusion opening up at your feet.

So I said nothing.  And someone piped up, “Well, what's extraordinary about Min is how normal she is.”

This is normal?

No, this isn't normal.  I was not normal, but I tried to be.  Being a child prodigy was not something I wanted to wear like a badge.  I felt like an alien.  I'd look in the mirror and think I looked like an alien (and my Korean features didn't help either).  So, I would try to mingle, blend in, not stick out.  Min and not Min.  A child prodigy.

[jungtookthejams-blog]

Hoseok Imagine [2]

[inspired by the AMAs that I stayed up to watch c:]

type : normal !

genre : angst + fluff !

AU : american idol reader !

word count : 1392 !

summary : Imagine winning a huge award (as you are a famous actress, singer, AND comedian) and getting really emotional about it, and Hobi is the first one to greet you backstage.

-

You sat in your seat with a smile, dancing to the beat of Shawn Mendes playing his recent hit. Bangtan was a few seats to your left, and they were doing the same as you. You felt really happy to be there, at the AMAs. You felt out of place, even though you had exceptional fame yourself. You were a natural 22 year old star, and people knew it. You tended to be so humble and happy, though, and that made people love you even more.

It all started on YouTube, actually.

You were a lowly comedian on the site, doing collabs with the likes of PewDiePie and Markiplier, back when all three of you weren’t all that popular. You had recently dropped out of college and picked up YouTube to hopefully keep you going, and it worked. Your covers, skits, and hilarious commentary became a hit. A contractor called you and offered you a job in Hollywood, so off you went.

You started out on talk shows like Jimmy Kimmel and Ellen, getting word of your rising career around. Then you went onto a TV series called One Night Stand, which was hilarious and fun as Hell to star in. After that, you were put on a record label, however you were never an official artist. You did covers of other songs and many collaborations, but never released an actual album or single. That being said, you loved music, but your heart was in the entertainment of comedy.

You were on a few movies of all genres, guest-starred in a few shows, and eventually got your own talk show. You were a hit in all countries, considering you were also multilingual. You were what rising stars inspired to be.

And now, here you were, at the American Music Awards, dancing to Shawn Mendes alongside your boyfriend and his very successful group.

Yes, you were dating a K-Pop star. Jung Hoseok, to be precise.

It was funny, how you two got together. You were in a drama with Taehyung, one of Hoseok’s band members. You and the alien boy had gotten very close, and Tae internally knew you’d be a perfect match for the energetic rapper. So, he introduced the two of you, and love grew naturally.

You were surprised how the fans reacted when you went public, there actually wasn’t a lot of hate. People had been shipping you guys from the beginning.

With that pleasant surprise, you went on to spend a lot of time in the boys’ dorm, collaborating with them often on sidetracks such as 4 O’Clock and Change. You and Hoseok had a strong bond, and there wasn’t one moment that you doubted each other. Even you had your disagreements, but you always worked through them.

As Shawn Mendes walked off the stage, Kelly Clarkson took his place. She wasn’t singing, though. She was going to announce an award.

“So,” She said in the microphone, smiling broadly, “Tonight we have a special award. We want the winner of this award to tell everyone their story. Their entire story.

“This person is such an inspiration to young, rising artists. They have gone through so much, and still managed to make it another day. Another week, another year; they are so strong in so many ways. They have so many talents; singing, acting, comedy.

“They’ve been through it all, guys. Depression, anxiety, anorexia, and so many more. They are who struggling people look up to and say, ‘I want to be like them. I have to be strong like they were. I need to.’

“They are humble and sweet, and they deserve this award more than anyone I can think of. Really, they do.

“Please, let us stand and honour the winner of the Most Inspiring Artist Award; (Y/N) (L/N)!”

Your hands flew to cover your mouth as you slowly stood in shock, making your way to the stage. Cheers erupted from all around you.

You hugged Kelly, having her smile at you and tell you that all she said was true, and hand you the award. You held it up and beamed at the audience, who quieted down soon after to hear you talk.

“Wow,” You said, with a small waver in your voice, “Guys, what the Hell?”

Chuckles could be heard as you continued, “This is so amazing. You could’ve picked someone like Diana Ross or Kelly Clarkson, but no, you picked me. And that means so much to me. You see this? You made me cry, Good job.

“But all joking aside, Kelly told me to tell you guys my story. So, here it goes. Please, be patient with me, I am really emotional at the moment and I might have to pause a few times.

“Okay, so, I grew up in Fukushima, Japan. I had my parents and my brother, that was it. I spoke Japanese, of course, Korean, and English throughout high school. In 2011, Fukushima was practically destroyed due to an explosion in the nuclear power plant that was there. I was out of town for a plant study in botany, so I was not physically affected. My brother was visiting a pen pal in China, as he was twenty-one and I was fourteen. The disaster took the life of my parents and other family.

“My brother and I were devastated. Neither one of us ate or slept, we felt guilty that we made it out alive. Years were spent like that. I had gotten anorexia and had to fight for my life in a hospital, then I had to recover and gain weight again, which wasn’t easy.

“Like all things, it became a part of the past. It was something that made our sibling bond stronger. But then, it happened again, in France.

“You see, my brother became a neurosurgeon, and he was needed in  for a really difficult surgery. That was when the accident happened.

“On the way to the hospital, a big-rig had t-boned him and his driver, killing them both. That being said, I suffered from depression yet again. That was in 2015.

“But, you guys; my fans, my friends, my family, you brought me back up. You have me love and happiness. You taught me how to smile again. Not a fake one that I wore on TV, but a real one. And for that, I thank you.

“So, never lose yourself. Even if things are rough, you’ll always make it through. You are strong. You can achieve happiness. I know you can. I believe in each and every one of you. And I love each and every one of you.

“Thank you, so much. Thank for for giving me the opportunity to be here today. Thank you for saving me.”

The crowd went absolutely wild as you walked backstage. Celebrities were crying, as were you. The second you stepped out of view from the public, Hoseok stood there with his arms already open, with the rest of BTS behind him.

You practically ran into his arms, sobbing. He smoothed your hair and pressed kisses anywhere he could; your knuckles, your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, your shoulder, your neck, and finally, your lips. His mouth silenced yours as he gently caressed your jawline.

“It’s okay,” He said, “You are so strong, Jagi. I am so happy to call you mine. And I’m even happier that you’re okay now, that you’re here. Let me help you put the past behind you. Let me help you start over.”

You sniffled as you nodded, “Please, Hoseok..”

He gently wiped your tears from your face as he nodded, “You really do deserve that award. When we get back, we’re all going to have a fun time together, okay? We’re going to do all your favourite things. Just the two of us.”

“That sounds wonderful, Hoseok. Thank you.”

“Anything for my Jagi.”

You then looked past Hoseok and chuckled, “Guys, come here. You’re my family, too.”

Taehyung bounded over and immediately scooped you in his arms, crying.

“I never knew my baby sister went through so much! I promise you we’ll all keep you very happy!”

You couldn’t help but giggle at Tae’s words, hugging him back as the rest of Bangtan joined you two in a group hug. These guys were your everything, and you couldn’t live without them.

[felicityb-reviews]

Lee Taemin - Feature Spotlight

Um... Surprise?!?!!?

So... While developing my playlists for my SHINee FSLs, I ran into a few problems (I guess). SHINee has such a wide and varied discography, I feel like it'd be a dishonor to them to just throw songs from completely different eras together like it wouldn't be an incredibly jarring experience. I also couldn't decide on a set number of tracks from each album to put in each playlist; I feel like doing more than three songs per album when pulling from four and five albums would just muddy up the playlist and make it unfocused.

So.

Do enjoy this Taemin FSL (I was planning on doing one on him March, anyway), while I work on my SHINee FSL series.

And yes, that does mean the SHINee tribute is going to extend into February; I'll keep you all updated as best as I can.

Wicked (ACE)

Oh Wicked... You swerved my ass big time when I first listened to you. Idk how, but to be fair - hindsight *is* 20/20.

Wicked starts out with a very calm trumpet line over smooth chords, but it doesn't stay that way for long. Quite like it's hard to keep Taemin in his clothes, the sassy Funk elements just couldn't stay tamed. But that's okay. That's why we like Wicked.

This is a song that I'd really love to see Taemin perform with a live band. Maybe a little choreo. But mostly just Taemin having fun with his backing band. That'd be so cool.

I'm Crying (Flame of Love)

When Taemin announced that he was debuting in Japan with Sayonara Hitori, I was... Intrigued™. I mostly didn't know what to expect (especially with Taeminnie serving Elvin Royalty/Fantasy Prince realness with the teasers), but I was real interested in what the music would sound like. Cause that's what I'm here for, sis.

I'm Crying is J-Pop af. It's also the closest thing to a ballad that I'd enjoy from Taemin. Idk why I don't like his ballads, they just feel bland and so unlike him to me. But I'm Crying is perfect, because it's got that Japanese Winter Ballad™ (all my J-pop fam knows exactly what I'm talking about) feel, but with his signature drama mixed in.

My favorite aspect of the song is how soft and bittersweet the opening melody is. It's such a simple piano melody, but I'm such a sucker for them. And when the strings kicked in?!?!!? I was gone, b.

One by One (Press It)

If ACE showed us Taemin's potential as a soloist, then Press It is Taemin realizing that potential, and showing us Lee Taemin, the artist. ACE remains my favorite body of work by Taemin, but Press It has some of my favorite songs by him.

Like, Top five favorite, sis.

Remember when I mentioned Taemin's signature drama?!?! One by One is a great example of that. Jonghyun is King of the Drama Gays, but Taemin is the Crown Prince. Every time I listen to One by One, I imagine Taemin dancing in the rain to it. Yes honey, full on '90s drama. And it fits, because One by One (hell, the best songs from Press It) all have a '90s flare to them.

Crazy 4 u (MOVE)

Crazy 4 u is one that might have fooled me if I hadn't peeped ha from the jump. See, you don't spring a song like Wicked on a bitch, and expect to surprise ha again with a song that starts out just the same. No ma'am!!

Crazy 4 u, to its credit, stays in the midtempo range for the first verse and prechorus (quite a bit longer than Wicked). Then the beat gets really going, and finally explodes into an RnB influsrd Future Bass style drop. Crazy 4 u never quite pops like Wicked does, but this is another song I'd like to see Taemin perform with a live band. But this time, I definitely wanna see him doin' it big with the choreo.

Door (Flame of Love)

Door is a song I'm surprised I haven't seen on a Korean release from Taem. It's very Jpop-esque, but if anyone could sell J-Pop style music to a Korean audience, it'd be these SHINee boys.

Door is a song that fits right in with the rest of Taemin's repertoire; midtempo with lots of drama. But damn if this man doesn't have me hooked to this type of song from him. He just does them so well, and I just really appreciate that.

Heart Stop (featuring Kang Seulgi of Red Velvet) (MOVE)

Heart Stop was a song that was H I G H L Y anticipated, because of one Miss Kang Seulgi. If we're not counting Drip Drop (which features unctredited background vocals from Miss LiVii/Alice Vicious), Heart Stop was Taemin's first official collaboration as a soloist.

And what a collaboration it is, sis.

Heart Stop is pretty upbeat for a Taemin b-side, but idk if I'd call her an uptempo. She's got groove, but this isn't "dance at the club music"; this is "seduce your mans into giving you $500k" music. Whatever you want to call her, I need Taemin and Seulgi to carve out some choreo to this, and scalp me. They're both awkward as hell around the opposite binary gender (cause they're both so fucking gay), but with some preparation, we could avoid the awkward (but still iconic) mess that was Taemin's collab stage with Sunmi.

Or Seulgi's dance stage with Taeyong. God, that was so fucking bad.

As far as collaborations go, Seulgi is present on the song just as much as Taemin is, and that is really appreciated. They even go as far to sing some sections together, and that was way more than I was expecting. Typically, collabs like this have the featured artist sing/rap one part in the song (typically the bridge) and then they're done. So it's nice to see them make this a Seulgi song as much as they made it a Taemin song. Cause idk if I'd like this as much as I do if it was just Taemin.

Soldier (Press It)

Can we give it up for Press It one good time, y'all?!!?! This album is top heavy with midtempos, but Taemin delivers every single one of them effortlessly. The album is a masterpiece, and I fall in love with it again every time I give it a listen.

Soldier is the quintessential Taemin midtempo. It's what comes to mind whenever I think of his style, sis. Soldier become a timeless classic within Taemin's repertoire, because a) he loves to perform the motherfucker and b) it's first song of his that we hear that *sounds* like Taemin, if that makes sense. I love it.

Play Me (ACE)

Play Me is the song I was expecting when I heard Wicked for the first time. But I'm glad Wicked turned into a funky uptempo, cause it sho' woulda' been awkward to have two sexy, smoldering midtempos so close to each other on an album as short as ACE. Play Me plays out (heh heh heh) the way you'd expect it, but there's nothing wrong with that. She doesn't reinvent the wheel, but she does her job well and that's what matters in my book.

Do It Baby (Flame of Love)

Do It Baby is Taemin givin' us an east meets west affair. The song features a hip hop beat, accented by a Far East sounding riff. I would probably hate this if it didn't work out so well, but God does it work.

if Taemin ever had the urge to film a video for this, I'd wanna see him doing a lot of martial arts inspired posing (similar to what 2NE1 did in I Love You) to the verses and breakdown, and then pull out some break dancing to the beat switch in the latter half of the song. It'd be so fucking cool.

Sexuality (Press It)

Can we give it up again for Press It, you guys?!?! Cause not only are all the midtempos strong as fuck all, but the uptempos are bloody amazing, girl!!

Sexuality is a very different song than what we're used to seeing from an SMe act. Not to say that SM is unfamiliar with a little controversy in their music (BoA's Kiss My Lips, anyone?!?!?!?!), but sis... The song is titled Sexuality.

Lee Taemin is bold as fuck, ladies and gentlemen.

Sexuality is Taemin's drama translated to an '80s template, with a heaping dollop of sex added for good measure. I can't listen to this song in public (as expected for a song titled Sexuality), but it's just so fucking good.

I never knew I needed '80s Taem till Sexuality and MOVE snatched my wig and blasted her into the sun, but now I need every album of his moving forward to include a song like this.

Ace (ACE)

Ace is another song I can't listen to in public. Mostly cause I'm too busy body rolling and giving JRE levels of stankitude in the face. But also because it feels like Taem is trying to fuck you through the music.

This is not a drill, folks - Lee Taemin is trying to sex your body with his Ace. And fuck if I'd ever stop that demon from ruining my life like that.

Ace is what us niggas Negroes of American Nationality like to call a sex jam. A classy sex jam, to be specific. This is not the song to jump zaddy to. Taemin has been generous enough to provide Sexuality for that. No baby, Ace is for lighting some scented candles, putting on your sexiest lingerie, and romancing your mans (or woman, because you know my gay ass doesn't discriminate) into bed with you. Ace is for those nights when you wanna take it nice and slow.

Ace is a rarity within the K-Pop landscape. You don't really hear songs like this. Most love songs are PG as fuck all, and there's not a damn thing wrong with that. I love to be all soft and giggly. But sometimes I want something more sensual.

Tiger (Sayonara Hitori)

So, remember how I said Taem could bring some of his Japanese songs over to Korea, and make it work?!?!

Tiger is not one of those songs.

Tiger is J-Pop as fuck all. Tiger is the type of song the Final Battle™ of an anime/video game would be animated against. Tiger is the opening theme to a dark fantasy anime. Tiger is, simply put, everything I wanted from a Japanese Taemin release. This song fits him so well, and I fucking love it.

Yes, I even love the breakdowns that are all wub wub'd out, because a) it fits the song so well (Tiger could be described as an experiment in how to do extreme sonic shifts without alienating your listener) and b) it's not some Skrillex style bullshit. If Taemin had decided not go with Sayonara Hitori as the feature track for his debut, I'd have loved to see him do Tiger. Especially with those Elvin Royalty/Fantasy Prince Lewks™ he was serving with that silver weave.

FINAL DRAGON (Sayonara Hitori)

If you I were to judge the whole of Final Dragon by just the first thirty seconds, it'd have gone on the trash on first listen. I don't know what's up with that weird Gregorian chant. But it gets better. After Taemin sets the atmosphere (I guess) with his little spoken word, we get thrown into a half time section with the most dramatic horn n violin duet I've ever heard.

And that's when the real fun starts.

Final Dragon is another song that would absolutely not work in Korea. This style of hard rock mixed with symphonic instrumentation sounds very Japanese in texture. But once again, this why we were intrigued by a Japanese Taemin debut. Not only did it make sense financially (Taemin is very popular in Japan), it makes sense musically and thematically.

Final Dragon shows off Taemin's title as the Crown Prince very effectively. This is another song I need to see Taemin perform with a live backing band. I put Final Dragon right after Tiger in this list, because it feels like the aftermath of that Final Battle™. It's the ending theme to Tiger's opening theme. Yes, the two songs were side by side in their original track listing, but sis...

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Rise (MOVE)

Firstly, if you're listening to the playlist as you read, I'm so sorry for that whiplash, baby. I took you from one end of the spectrum to the other, but there's a method to my madness. I promise!!

Rise feels like closure. You just endured this epic battle (and the aftermath of it), and now you're approaching reality again. Rise feels like life after crisis. Rise feels like healing. Like, you don't how you survived, but you're just lucky to be alive.

Rise is a big, rousing power ballad (like most of Taemin's midtempos) that feels like it lives and breathes. I like to think of it more of an experience than a song. Of all the songs I've mentioned I wanted to hear live, this is the one I wanna hear the most.

Thirsty (OFF SICK Concert Remix) (SM STATION)

Thirsty feels like a call out, guys. Thirsty is Taemin tellin' us he knows the way we look at him, and he fuckin loves that shit like the chaotic demon he is. Thirsty is Taemin challenging us to give it to him as good as he gives it us. Possibly.

Thirsty is, simply put, Taemin feelin his oats, babies. It's a loud and bombastic declaration of his sexuality (as if he doesn't wear that shit like a designer feaux fur coat), and it's really cool to watch since Taemin isn't your typical idol soloist.

Alright my loves, that's it for this Feature Spotlight!! Did we enjoy the surprise?!?!? Be sure to tune in next week for part one of the SHINee tribute in honor of Jonghyun at 6pm EST (I promise!!). And speaking of Jonghyun, be sure to check out his Feature Spotlight here. And while you're here, there's no harm in checking out my debut Review Roundup. In case you missed it. Love you, guys!!

[fmhaneul]

PART A — THE PROFILE.

stage name: venus birth name: haneul jun walsh korean name: jun haneul position/occupation: leader, main dancer, main rapper, vocalist of rookie group elite birthday: february 14, 1997 zodiac sign: aquarius place of birth: seoul, south korea height: 185cm weight: 67kg blood type: ab

facts:

i. haneul can play the flute, and has even learned many of his senior’s songs on the instrument. ii. he says his greatest skill is dancing with his glasses on. iii. his favorite colors are a mystery even to him, so he can’t say one color is his favorite. iv. he says his favorite western artist is rihanna. v. his korean is self-taught for the most part, only taking classes to fix pronunciation and learn more fluency within the language. vi. he has always been interested in things like aliens, cryptids, and other unexplained phenomena. vii. he wants to have a lot of piercings and tattoo’s one day, but he promises he won’t get any until he is older because fans don’t want him too. viii. he can’t handle anything too spicy or too sweet. ix. he has a fear of needles and clowns. x. in the future, he wants to do a lot of variety shows and hopes that one day elite will be known as a fun group as well as talented because he loved those groups the best growing up.

ideal type: someone he can laugh with, a person who he can introduce to his parents, a person who he feels is his soulmate.

PART B — THE QUESTIONNAIRE.

who are your role models?

“ my biggest idol is gatsy of eros. i think all of eros and people like moon bongki inspire me but, if i had to choose one person who makes me want to be the best me it would be gatsby. ”

do you have any nicknames? if so, what do your friends or family call you?

“ mostly, i just go by haneul. i tried to go by an english name once, but my parents prefer haneul. my mom does call me pumpkin, though. ”

what are your favorite foods? what would you recommend to fans?

“ i like food that i grew up on, so a lot of american food. i recommend all fans try fried catfish one day. as for international fans... i think you should try gimbap or jjajangmyeon. i don’t like spice so i think those are solid choices. ”

what are some places that you would like to go but haven’t been to yet?

“ i want go to iceland, switzerland, germany. i really like a lot of european countries but i have only been to england and france before for family vacations. hopefully, one day i can go and meet fans from those countries as well. ”

what would you say to a fan who is struggling?

“ everyone has been in a bad place, some people have even been in the same place, so remember you aren’t alone. the feelings and emotions you have are valid, but think through your actions and attempt to replace negativity with positivity. work on your health and remember that you can survive anything. ”

are there any languages you speak besides your native tongue? what other languages would you like to learn?

“ besides english, i learned korean and spanish. right now i’m kind of tackling japanese, but really i want to know as many languages as possible. i think it is actually kind of fun to learn things like languages. ”

what are your three favorite songs at the moment?

“ shangri-la by eros, obviously. and all night pandora, havana camila cabello. ”

did you always know you wanted to be famous as a child? was your family supportive?

“ yes. my mom says i danced on the way home from the airport, you know, in the car and she could just tell i loved music. i’ve always done dancing and singing and even instruments. music is just—it’s my entire life. being famous was just like always part of that. i love talking to people and knowing everyone, so it just kind of happened to be a perfect fit for me. i think i was seriously meant to be here, and i was blessed by god to have a supportive family. they were always encouraging me to be the best that i could be and when i decided i want to come here, you know, they all really believed i could do these things. they always kind of knew i’d be doing something like this, i mean they have tons of videos of me performing for my entire family at christmas. so, they’ve always been there to support me with what i want to do. it was really scary for them to send their youngest son to a country they’ve never been to before, so i owe everything to them and their willingness to follow me even when i sound like i’m dreaming too big. ”

why did you decide to become a/n trainee/idol/actor/model?

“ when i was younger, i faced a lot of people who thought i was unattractive just because i was korean, so i use to think that too. i didn’t know how someone who looked like me could be successful, but then i saw that that even america all these korean idols could be appreciated and loved for their talent, you know? that really stuck with me, and when i got into a really bad place again when i was older, i wanted to use the love i had for the music to do something with my life. i was a big fan and i thought if i could be like my role models it would make me happy. ”

where do you see yourself in 10 years from now?

“ well, if i can keep making fans proud, i hope to still be doing this! i love this being my life and if i can, i want to keep living my dream. it may sound simple, but right now i am excited for elite’s growth, and i want to keep seeing us get better and hopefully, bigger. ”

what is something no one knows about you?

“ i suck at video games and always lose when i actually play them, but i like watching people play them. i’ve can’t even beat pac-man. ”

describe your family. who are the members in your family?

“ my family consists of my sister, three brothers, my mom and dad, and my dog jackie. my family is super close, you know we have family reunions once a year and it is really so awesome around the holidays to come home and be shown how many people think of you. but my immediate family constantly is calling and texting me, and we video call once a day. we are constantly in contact and i really appreciate having them right there with me. ”

how was your childhood? what was it like?

“ the greatest. that is all i can really say about how i grew up. i was so privileged to have the life i had. of course, like everyone, i had my fair share of bad times, but overall my family has been truly loving and i’ve always had friends beside me to keep me happy. the best way to describe it...is just to say i was very loved and given access to so much that i wanted growing up. ”

if you weren’t pursuing the path to fame, where do you think you would be?

“ to be honest...this is really hard. i don’t really want to choose a career that isn’t tied to fame, because i’d love to do things like pursue a western music career, post youtube videos, maybe do dancing. but, i guess if i really could not pursue anything like that, i would try to run my own dance studio, maybe do something in the psychiatric field by going back to school. ”

write a message to your fans — what would you like to say to them?

“ you guys are the biggest part of what we do. i want to thank every fan individually for watching our debut closely, but since i can’t i just want to say that i love you guys, and hopefully soon we can talk more. please support my members closely and wish them the best as we wish all of our fans the best in their lives. we are always here for you ❤. ”

[taetaejoah]

A BTS screenplay / Fanfiction

so I wrote this for my screenwriting class last semester and decided to upload it. There might be some spelling mistakes and the way it copied over from my screenwriting program to here is a bit odd so I’m sorry in advance if its really fucked up and unreadable.  I will probably go back and edit the format if when it isn’t 2 am. but I'm uploading this in a spur of the moment sense of courage.  It stops at the end of what would be the first episode. Anways, I hope you enjoy! 

INT. DORM HALLWAY- DAWN

Illuminated by the soft early morning light, are SEVEN BOYS, all in different levels of undress/dress. They are all Korean in their late teens to mid- twenties. The boys are fumbling around trying to get ready.

The dorm room is a mess, clothes and shoes litter the floor, and there are cups and plates everywhere.

JIMIN, a shy 19 year old who is small for his age, is brushing his teeth outside of the bathroom door.

He pounds his fist against the door and wails with the spit still in his mouth:

JIMIN Kookie! Get outh! I haff ta spit! And shower!!

He bangs on the door again, and a cloud of steam erupts from the door, follOwed by:

JUNGKOOK, the youngest of the group at 17 years old, cocky, who has his waist wrapped around in a TOWEL and is singing a GIRLS GENERATION song. He stops when he sees Jimin.

JUNGKOOK Jiminiee~~ ah, there’s no more hot water...

He laughs giving Jimin a devilish grin and a wink before continuing to sing the rest of the girls generation song.

Jimin, mouth full of spit, and toothbrush still in his hands, stomps his foot and storms away into:

INT. DORM KITCHEN - DAWN

Jimin SPITS into the sink and turns around to see a disgusted:

YOONGI, 22 year old rapper, perpetually tired, with a “fuck this” attitude, sighs with his hands cupped around a BLACK COFFEE.

Jimin frowns and looks back at the disgusted Yoongi, who rolls his eyes.

JIMIN (to himself)

Stupid Jungkook.

He sits in a huff down next to:

JIN, 24, the oldest of the group, broad shouldered and tall, who has just finished stuffing his face with food.

JIMIN (CONT’D) (to jin)

How can you eat so much so early?

JIN Breakfast it good for you, it

helps you grow big and tall.

He gets up, noticeably taller than Jimin, and teasingly pats him on the head ruffling his hair. He then heads to wait with the others in:

INT. DORM LIVING ROOM - DAWN

As Jin sits down on the couch the dorm room door opens with a loud THUD, banging against the door and startling:

NAMJOON, 20 year old rapper and leader of the group, who is already dressed and playing with his phone. He looks up at the door to:

HOBEOM, a bear of a man, the groups manager who constantly looks like he is about to come undone, rushes into the room holding a stack of papers that look like a SCHEDULE, eyes frantic. He looks around the dorm

2.

He looks that the

HOBEOM Why isn’t everyone ready?

at around at the various states of disarray boys are in and pulls his hair.

HOBEOM (CONT’D) You have an interview in 30

minutes! Get moving! Namjoon get the boys together!

Namjoon YELLS for everyone to get to the living room and the members who are not already there emerge from different places.

Namjoon looks around satisfied and does a quick head count

NAMJOON 2..3..4..5..6. Who are we

missing?

He looks around the room at, trying to place who is not here in his mind when his eyes fall on:

HOSEOK, 22 years old, bopping along to music in head headphones,loud enough to hear without wearing them, and pulling out various dance moves when the chorus hits.

Namjoon looks to the left of Hoseok and notices he is sitting alone, when a lightbulb goes off in his head.

Namjoon pulls the him a stern look

Where is

Hoseok avoids his looks towards the

headphones off of Hoseok, and gives

NAMJOON (CONT’D) your partner in crime?

gaze, and shrugs his shoulders, but direction of his dorm room.

He reaches for his headphones but Namjoon is taller and holds them up out of his reach. He jumps for them but its no use. Hoseok sighs, missing his music.

3.

HOSEOK Im sure you know exactly where

he is Namjoon, you know he’s not a morning person

He laughs under his breath and scratches the back of his head.

NAMJOON Well he’s the only one not here

and your his roommate AND his Hyung. Go get him!

Hoseok gives Namjoon a defiant look but hops off of the couch towards where he knows the last member already is, he turns down the hall and opens the door to

INT. DORM BEDROOM A - DAWN

TAEHYUNG, 20 years old, with the personality of an alien, is still in bed, snoozing happily.

Hoseok grabs a PLUSH from the shelf and throws it at him.

HOSEOK Wake up dork. You’re the only

one not ready.

Taehyung groans and turns over, ignoring Hoseok, who this time pulls the blankets off of the bed causing Tae to sit up and whine

TAEHYUNG Hyungggg, its too early. I’m

not going.

Hoseok laughs and ruffles Taehyung’s hair before teasing:

HOSEOK If you don't wake up, Ill make

you sit by Yoongi in the van~

4.

He falls back onto the bed and rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

TAEHYUNG (softly)

Jerk.

Hoseok goes to the closet and picks out clothes for Tae, throwing them on the bed, he smiles softly at the boy while Taehyung reluctantly gets dressed, complaining the entire time before they meet the others at the front door.

TAEHYUNG (CONT’D) Who even listens to the radio this early? The only person I know up at this time daily is

my grandma.

Hoseok rolls his eyes and pushes Taehyung out of the door.

INT. RADIO BROADCAST ROOM - DAY

A large “on air” sign lights up red and a song plays quietly through a speaker.

The seven boys sit around a large table each with their own set of HEADPHONES and MICROPHONE. They listen as a song ends and the RADIO DJ HEECHOL starts to speak again.

RADIO DJ HEECHOL Welcome back to k104, Im your host Heechol, here with an up

and coming K-pop group known as Bangtan Sonyeondan or BTS? Is that correct..BTS?

across the table at the nervous boys and Its a while before anyone talks.

He looks smiles.

5.

NAMJOON Yes sir! BTS is correct, we

actually go by that more than our official name!

RADIO DJ HEECHOL Interesting, you mentioned earlier your worries about

debuting with such a long name, is that the reason for shortening it?

NAMJOON Part of it, yes, we wanted our

name to be easy to remember! The same reason goes for our stage names!

RADIO DJ HEECHOL Ah yes! I can’t wait until

those are announced later this month! Stage names are an integral part in the life of a kpop idol! Do you guys have any preferences

The boys nervously agree, shifting in their seats and fidgeting with things on the table in front of them.

HOSEOK I personally want something to

do with hope, or encouragement. To remind fans and members that we can do this and that our debut will be a success!

JIMIN Ahhh..Hoseok Hyung always

brings the mood up in the group! He’s our Hope!

RADIO DJ HEECHOL Something like Hopeseok? That

seems like a mouthful haha. (MORE)

6.

RADIO DJ HEECHOL (CONT'D) Speaking of Debut, you are

scheduled to have a debut stage.. This month, is that correct? That must be exciting seeing as you come from such a small company. Finally get to compete with the big dogs huh?

YOONGI Yes! I’ve been waiting a long

time to see this group debut. Its going to be an amazing experience and I hope we go far! We’ve worked so hard, and even now we don't skip a day of training.

Yoongi looks around the room at his fellow members who smile and nod.

Jungkook is looking down at his lap, and Taehyung is fiddling with his hands nervously.

The rowdy and loud boys from the dorm are gone as the nerves of debuting and the thought of failing are brought to the surface.

RADIO DJ HEECHOL Well we here at k104 are highly

anticipating your debut! We can’t wait to see what you’ll create! Unfortunately that is all the time we have for today! It was a pleasure talking with you all, is there anything you want to say before we sign off!

JIN Please treat us kindly! We will

work hard to be the best for you!

TAEHYUNG I wont disappoint you mom and

dad!

7.

The group laughs, but Taehyung looks completely serious.

NAMJOON Please anticipate our debut at

the end of the month! 1..2..

EVERYONE BANG..TAN! We are BTS! Thank

you for having us!

The on air button goes off and the boys begin to unhook themselves from the mics and headphones.

Several HAIR AND MAKEUP ARTISTS rush towards the boys and begin to fix their hair and makeup.

The boys are then placed in front of a blank wall and PHOTOGRAPHED in different poses.

After the photo session the boys shuffle towards

INT. OUTSIDE OF VAN - DAY

The boys begin to pile into the van, complaining and fighting for the best seats.

Hobeom, their manager, stops Yoongi and Namjoon just outside the van, telling them about the rest of their schedule for the day.

The boys have choreography and dance with their HEAD CHOREOGRAPHER.

HOBEOM You need to change as soon as

you get to the studio, you have dance for 5 hours before you begin vocal lessons. Make sure you arrive on time.

Namjoon nods and Yoongi sighs to himself before turning to Namjoon

8.

said all cool and

Namjoon rolls his van.

Just get

INT. VAN - DAY

I had to do was look rap.

eyes and pushes yoongi into the

NAMJOON in the van.

YOONGI I swear when I signed my

contract at Big Hit Hobeom PD

All seven of the boys sit in the van and head to the studio for dance practice.

Taehyung sits next to Hoseok, and lays his head on his shoulder.

Jimin is sitting next to Yoongi, and the two are already asleep.

Jin and Namjoon talk quietly in the front seat, and Jungkook is sat in the back next to Taehyung, bouncing up and down.

They all look EXHAUSTED, except for Taehyung and Jungkook, who are excitedly reenacting the interview.

JUNGKOOK (in a radio Dj voice)

Ah yes, Taehyung, how does it feel to be famous and wealthy?

Jungkook, who is using his hand as a mic, holds it out for Taehyung to answer.

Taehyung

grabs the younger’s hand and answers.

TAEHYUNG Oh its just wonderful Kookie!

But, I'm sure you would know, being a famous idol yourself. I heard that you are rumored to have a solid gold tub, is that correct?

9.

JUNGKOOK When your as famous as I am,

most of, if not all of your possessions are in fact, solid gold.

Jungkook pretends to act as a famous person on a red carpet as Taehyung dissolves into a fit of laughter.

Jungkook falls backwards into his seat and accidentally hits a sleeping Yoongi.

Taehyung goes still and tries to hide behind Hoseok, who has been quietly watching the boys.

Yoongi wakes up and gives the boys a “say another word and you’ll die” glare.

YOONGI Shut it.

The boys apologize and the van becomes silent.

INT. DANCE STUDIO - DAY

The boys are in a dance formation looking towards a mirror and practicing choreography.

They finish the run through and pant before getting into formation again.

Jin, who his spot

CHOREOGRAPHER Do it again. Jin, try to keep

up. Follow Hoseok, he knows what to do.

is out of breath, nods and gets back into in the formation.

The boys wait for the music and start again, only a minute passes by before the choreographer stops them.

CHOREOGRAPHER (CONT’D) Yoongi, you’re off center. Make sure you hit your mark when you

come up to rap. Again.

10.

The boys reset, and begin to dance again, but are stopped even earlier.

CHOREOGRAPHER (CONT’D) Don’t dance lazily. Try again.

You can do this. Focus.

Without a word they reset and begin again. The boys stare intently at themselves in the mirror and look determined to finish the song all the way through. They are DRIPPING in sweat.

This time they make it all the way through. They begin to get back into formation when the choreographer unplugs his phone and turns off the music.

They look to the choreographer, who stands up.

CHOREOGRAPHER (CONT’D) Its been 2 hours, go ahead and

eat lunch. We’ll pick back up after your break. You have 30 mins. Don’t forget the choreography while you eat.

The choreographer walks out of the studio and the boys walk towards their bags lined up against the walls.

On the way, Jin stops Hoseok, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him to the side.

JIN (looking at the floor)

Hoseok, could you...uh...could you stay behind for a bit and help me with this part

Jin begins to swing his arms and move his legs, showing Hoseok the part of the choreography that he doesn’t understand.

Hoseok laughs, and pulls Jin towards his spot in the formation.

11.

HOSEOK Aishhh...Jin...That doesn’t

even look like our dance...

JIN Im the visual! Im supposed to

just stand there and look good! They both laugh and Hoseok begins teaching him

HOSEOK As your lead dancer, I’m

offended by that statement. Don’t worry you just need a little extra practice. Lets start from here.

Hoseok puts his feet and hands into position

7..8..hand, hand, sweep, da,da,da

Jin fumbles, and looks to Hoseok like a lost puppy.

HOSEOK (CONT’D) No no, stop stop, like this...

Hoseok, moves his arms and a tight sweeping motion, and counts along while doing complicated footwork. Behind him, Jin looks completely lost and puts his head in his hands.

INT. LUNCH ROOM - DAY

The remaining boys are sitting around a table talking excitedly about their upcoming debut.

JUNGKOOK I honestly don’t think the

company is going to give you the name “Rap Monster” Namjoon.

JIMIN If anything you're more of a

Nerd Monster

12.

JUNGKOOK Nerd mon!!! I like it, I vote

nerd mon.

Namjoon goes to protest but is drowned out by the approval of the rest of the boys chanting his name

EVERYONE Nerd Mon, Nerd Mon, Nerd Mon...

The chants die out as the boys begin to eat again, stuffing their faces with various sorts of foods.

Taehyung over the

TAEHYUNG Are you excited to debut? In

all honesty I'm a little afraid.

YOONGI Its been a long time since I

signed a contract for this company, of course im ready. I’ve been ready. I'm just excited we are actually getting somewhere

looks down at the table and a silence falls group.

JUNGKOOK We’ve been working really hard;

we’ll make it. In two years time we’ll win Mnet. We’ll have loads of fans. I’m sure of it.

YOONGI Lets hope so kid.

Yoongi shoves food into his mouth and the conversation devolves back into light hearted comments and jokes.

NAMJOON We’ve only got 5 minutes left

for break, lets go in and practice before our choreographer comes back.

(MORE)

13.

NAMJOON (CONT'D) I’m not in the mood to be

yelled at for the next 3 hours.

JIMIN Whatever you say Nerd Mon,

you’re the boss.

NAMJOON Hey, I’m your leader!

YOONGI You’re still a nerd.

Namjoon pulls a face and orders them to clean up after themselves.

INT. STUDIO - DAY

The boys walk into the studio to see Hobeom standing in the middle of the floor with unfocused eyes. His hands are folded across his chest. The boys look around the dance studio and then back at each other.

YOONGI What is this? What’s going on?

You never show up to our practices. Don’t tell me we are changing the choreography again.

Yoongi steps forward from the boys to approach Hobeom.

The boys

HOBEOM I think we should all grab a

seat. This is something you’re going to want be seated for.

JUNGKOOK Is everything okay? Is anyone

hurt? Did someone say something they weren’t supposed to in the interview?

grab seats in a circle and look at Hobeom.

14.

HOBEOM I’ve got some bad news. We got

the reports back from marketing and we didn’t pass. You guys aren’t popular enough to debut by the end of the month. We have to push it back.

The room gets incredibly quiet and the boys look at each other in shock.

NAMJOON What do you mean? We can

release the music and the fans will follow.

JIN Yeah, I finished learning the

dance too!

JIMIN We’re ready. We’ve practiced so

hard and our vocals are so good!

Jimin looks down at the ground defeated

HOBEOM I’m sorry. We can’t risk the

album not selling well against the other bands. We’ll give you six more months to gain the popularity you need.

Hoseok goes to speak, but it takes a moment before he can put the words together in his head.

HOSEOK But..What happens if we don’t

make it?

The boys hold their breath as hoseok asks the question everyone is too afraid to hear the answer to.

15.

HOBEOM Well..uh..you guys...You guys

will be dropped from the label.

TAEHYUNG NO! WE CANT BE DROPPED! MY

PARENTS! THEY PAID SO MUCH FOR ME TO BE HERE.

YOONGI This is bullshit. Dropped from

the label? Are you kidding me?

Yoongi stands and goes starts to pace around the room, flinging his hands into the air and yelling to himself

YOONGI (CONT’D) ITS BEEN 5 YEARS. I SIGNED MY

LIFE AWAY TO YOU. 5 YEARS I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR AN OPPORTUNITY, I’VE BEEN STUCK WITH 5 DIFFERENT BANDS, YOU FINALLY STICK ME WITH PEOPLE I ACTUALLY LIKE AND NOW YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT WE HAVE TO FUCKI-

Namjoon stands and puts an arm on Yoongi’s shoulder, stopping him from his rant.

Yoongi goes to rip his shoulders away from Namjoon, but he’s too strong.

NAMJOON Watch your tongue. Hear him out

first at least. Yoongi sighs heavily, but relaxes a bit.

HOBEOM We have you guys scheduled to

appear on a rookie show at the end of the month.

16.

JIMIN Will that really help that

much? I mean, We’ve done interviews and been on TV shows.

Yoongi looks as if he is going to explode, but keeps it in after a glare from Namjoon.

JUNGKOOK How do we get more fans faster.

If we can get them in the next two weeks we can still debut right?

HOBEOM You guys should go home for the

day and get some rest. Let your families know. Six months should be more than enough time to get popular. Stay positive.

Hobeom gets up and leaves the studio. The boys all sit around unable to speak for a minute.

Yoongi gets up and kicks a water bottle into the wall while Namjoon gets up and starts pacing.

Taehyung curls his knees up to his chest and places his head on them while Hoseok puts his arm around him and Jin together.

Jungkook and Jimin look at each other and then back down on the floor.

NAMJOON Okay, you guys. Let’s head

back.

The boys stand up, and share a look at each other of pure defeat. They walk with their heads slightly hung out of the studio and head towards the van.

17.

INT. DORM ROOM - EVENING

The boys file in to the dorm with their heads hung and Yoongi is last. He slams the door.

YOONGI FUCK. This is so unfair. A

rookie show? Im not going to sit around and do stupid punishments for fans. It’s all just fan service and stupid rewards. Aren’t we supposed to be actually making music?

Yoongi knocks over the papers and snacks from the counter in a fit and lets out an aggravated yell.

Taehyung and Jungkook step back in response, but do nothing to help. They look towards Namjoon.

NAMJOON Clean it up.

YOONGI Fuck off.

Yoongi storms away to his dorm room, slamming the door behind him and leaving the others to stare in silence.

NAMJOON I’ll go talk to him in a bit.

He just needs a bit of time to cool off.

Jungkook begins to cry silently and Jimin steps toward him and leads him to the couch where they sit down.

INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

Jimin hands him a bottle of soda and they both open the soda. The pop breaks the silence.

JUNGKOOK This is all my fault. I’m the

youngest. I’m not ready. (MORE)

18.

JUNGKOOK (CONT'D) I should have worked harder,

stayed later at the studio. I just joined and I ruined it for all of you.

JIMIN No, no, this isn’t your fault.

This is on all of us.

They both sip quietly. The sounds of Yoongi in his room screaming into his pillow can be heard.

JUNGKOOK There’s just so much to learn.

I feel so overwhelmed.

JIMIN You shouldn’t feel like that.

There’s a reason we call you the golden maknae. You’re doing a lot better than us when we were at your age.

Jungkook starts crying again and Jimin scoots a little closer.

JIMIN (CONT’D) Why are you crying?

JUNGKOOK Half out of sadness and half

out of gratitude. That really means a lot to me.

Jimin puts an arm around Jungkook and looks out of the window into the city below. Jungkook takes a shaky breath in.

JIMIN We’ll work harder these next

few months and push each other to be the best we can be. They’ve given us a chance with the show, and I know that Hobeom and the company care

about us a lot. (MORE)

19.

JIMIN (CONT'D) I know we will make it. We just

have to stay positive and keep our heads up.

Jungkook looks towards Jimin and sniffs, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.

JUNGKOOK Thanks Jimin, I know we can do

it if we try, im just worried about Yoongi and the other Hyungs.

JIMIN Everything will be okay. We are

a great team an-

Jimin is confused and sad daze. He looks off out the window before catching the gaze of the two boys in front of him.

HOSEOK Jin has made food, you two

should go eat. It’ll make you feel better.

Hoseok goes to walk away, his usual bright demeanor his gone, and his head hangs low.

JIMIN Hey- hey Hyung

Hoseok stops and turns around to face Jimin

JIMIN (CONT’D) We’re gonna be okay, right? I mean Taehyung looked a little wrecked. I’ve never seen him-

HOSEOK I don’t know. He’s never been

like this. He’s not one to show his feelings. I think he’s just a little shocked.

cut off as Hoseok enters the room in a

20.

JUNGKOOK Is he on the phone? I saw him

walk toward your room.

HOSEOK Yeah I think so, but its been a

while. You both go eat, i’ll go check on him.

Hoseok heads out of the living room and walks to his and Taehyung’s room.

INT. DORM BEDROOM A HALLWAY - NIGHT

He creaks open the door silently and watches through a sliver of light Taehyung lying on Hoseok’s bed, the phone to his ear.

His face is flat and something shiny seems to be falling from his eye. From his spot at the door Hoseok can hear him choke out a sob.

Hoseok peaks into the room some more, and debates going in only to be stopped by the sound of Teahyung’s voice.

TAEHYUNG I should’ve stayed. How are we

going to pay for this. Im so sorry. It’s too much. I don’t want to fail you.

Hoseok’s eyes go wide as he listens to the boys conversation.

Taehyung leans in

is quiet as he listens to the reply. Hoseok a bit more, straining to hear.

TAEHYUNG (CONT’D) I miss you guys, I thought this

would be a way to help with money.. It just seems now that everything is falling apart. The others are worried. Its never been like this.

21.

Teahyung’s crying becomes more persistent, and he rubs his eyes as he listens to the person on the other end.

Hoseok wipes his eyes as he begins to feel emotional towards his fellow bandmate.

TAEHYUNG (CONT’D) Thanks mom, I wont let you

down. I love you too.

Taehyung hangs up and locks his phone and turns on his stomach placing the phone next to his pillow. His back starts to heave and the sound of crying starts to get louder and louder. Before he sees Taehyung bury his face into a pillow to cover the sounds of his tears.

Hoseok, who can’t take it anymore silently walks into the room and walks towards Teahyung.

Hoseok lays down in his bed next to Taehyung and pats his back softly.

HOSEOK Shhhh, its okay. Its gonna be

okay.

Taehyung shudders, and curls himself into a ball away from Hoseok.

HOSEOK (CONT’D) Hey, Tae, look at me. Come on,

turn around.

Taehyung turns around and faces Hoseok. His eyes red and puffy from crying.

Hoseok looks at Taehyung’s face and wipes away a stray tear.

HOSEOK (CONT’D) Shhh... we will be okay. Don’t

get yourself down. We are all going to get through this together. As a group.

(MORE)

22.

Taehyung

HOSEOK (CONT’D) Jin made some food if you feel

like eating. looks up at Hoseok and shakes his head.

TAEHYUNG I don’t think I could eat even

if I was hungry. I just want to go to bed.

Taehyung turns back around facing away from Hoseok and pulls the covers over his head. Hoseok frowns

HOSEOK I feel the same way. I’m just

going to go to sleep too.

Hoseok pauses for a moment before getting into the covers and resting his head on his pillow.

HOSEOK (CONT’D) Tae...uh..i know you want to

sleep, and you are upset, but... you’re in my bed.

TAEHYUNG I know.

Hoseok looks at the boy confused, propping himself up on his side,

HOSEOK You know?

Taehyung turns back around and nods his head before hiding his face. He sniffs avoids Hoseok's eyes.

HOSEOK (CONT’D) If you know then...

Hoseok stops to think of what to say

23.

Taehyung himself.

TAEHYUNG It smells nice, like vanilla,

and I, I don't know I just don’t want to be alone. We don’t have to cuddle or anything, I’m not gay, I just miss my family and I'm so afraid and nothing is turning out right an-

HOSEOK Sure

TAEHYUNG Sure?

HOSEOK Yes, sure, you can sleep with

me tonight. You don’t have to be gay to need some comfort. So, yeah, sure.

smiles and pulls the covers closer to

TAEHYUNG Thanks Hoseok, you really do

bring me a lot of hope.

The boys turn to face opposite walls and drift off into a sad sleep.

INT. DORM ROOM - DAWN

A LOUD KNOCK on the door wakes Jungkook, who had fallen asleep on the couch the night before, startled, he gets off the couch and pulls his discarded shirt back on over his head and heads to the door.

Jungkook opens the door as the knocking continues and is met with the excited eyes of Hobeom, who today is holding an even thicker looking schedule.

24.

Hobeom steps in to the dorm and heads back into the Living room. He twists the schedule around in his hands and looks around expectantly.

He looks

He turns have him

HOBEOM (to Jungkook)

Why isn’t anybody up? Its a new day!

JUNGKOOK Its 5 am, and yesterday you

told us we weren’t going to debut. I don’t think anybody wants to be up.

HOBEOM About that! I have news! News

about your Rookie show! down the hall and yells

HOBEOM (CONT’D) BTS!! Wake up boys! I’ve got great news!

towards Jungkook and motions his hands to go wake the rest of the boys up.

HOBEOM (CONT’D) Go! Go get them!

INT. DORM LIVING ROOM - DAY

After several minutes of rushing around the dorm and waking everyone up, the seven boys sit together on the couch. This time they are quiet and stare straight ahead or at the ground.

HOBEOM I know you all are a little upset at the news you received yesterday. Trust me, we all are.

Jimin gives a silent nod while Yoongi huffs out a noise of disbelief.

25.

HOBEOM (CONT’D) 

But the show we’ve found is really popular, and they have agreed to run your spot at one of the more heavily viewed times. We’ve already made an apology statement to the radio company and your scripts will arrive tomorrow.

He pauses to look at each of the members staring blankly back at him

HOBEM You are also going to be doing a dorm tour and separate interviews so that the audience can get to know you. I’ve come here to discuss your stage names and get you ready to meet the producers of the show.

JIN When do we begin filming? How was this set up so fast?

YOONGI He must have known we weren’t going to debut. It seems like he had it all ready to do.

HOBEOM I...i mean we had back up plans of course

Yoongi scoffs and makes to stand up.

YOONGI I knew it. You had no faith in

us as a company. I wont do it. Count me out. Im not dressing up like an idiot for strangers. I’m here to make music.

Taehyung looks to hoseok afraid, and hoseok squeezes his arm to reassure him it will be okay.

26.

HOBEOM But you will be making music. And it will play, on the radio.

The boys look to Hobeom in shock, confusion spreading across their faces.

NAMJOON We’ll be making music? How?

YOONGI 

He’s lying

HOBEOM Im not, part of your contract with the show is that you produce a song throughout the course of Rookie King.

JUNGKOOK So we will actually get to sing?

HOBEOM Yes, and your choreography and vocal lessons wont stop either.

Namjoon looks to yoongi, who seems to be contemplative.

JIMIN And if our song gets a lot of feedback at the end of the show? Will we be able to keep our contract?

TAEHYUNG Does that mean we debut as a band?

All seven of the boys wait manager to answer.

HOBEOM Yes. Thats exactly what it means.

[disorientedblog-archive]

Arrival, Return (Stay the Course) November 2018

by Erin Wong / photo: Sam Kay

After a timid knock, I peer around the corner at my boss glaring into her computer. Hey, I say softly in fragile Chinese. Can I have a minute?

She nods, and waves me into the meeting room, barely pausing to look up. What’s up?

I have to take a call, I murmur, and continue to stare at her, still standing in the doorway, a child clinging to her mother’s skirt. Her face opens as her eyes find mine, and she breaks into an empathetic smile.

Should we maybe take the call together?

My shoulders relax as I settle next to her and dial. A voice answers and meets my own with surprise, so I rush to introduce my colleague before virtually disappearing amidst the rapid Mandarin that ensues. At first I listen in earnest, concentrating on the clipped music as someone might grasp at fading sound. But eventually, as a child would, I allow my mind to wander in between the complex corridors of their language.

For apprentices in Chinese – and I imagine many types of discourse – phone calls pose the additional challenge of conversing without the unspoken apology of a bowed head and series of smiles, without the diversion of humor or charisma. Yet these buffers serve of critical importance, because in hiding my appearance, I experience both ordeal and private blessing. We avoid the essential, mystified moment in which my fellow observes, wait, but you look Chinese, and I must say, yes, well I am Chinese; and yet I miss the parrying emphatic pause in which I reclaim a sort of common ground – and so I’m here to keep on learning.

Sometimes we never arrive at understanding. This first moment can extend anywhere from a grunt or shrug to the entirety of our relationship. One can never know whether these new encounters will bring a gush of welcome or a sniff of contempt, whether I am allowed the agency of an American expat or reduced to the daughter of negligent parents. I am given only one faithful assurance: that I am an oddity in Beijing, and my existence here is defined and disrupted by the ever-present dues of a past divergence.

—

For the first fourteen years of my life, I thought miraculously little of this divergence – that of my ancestors’ departure from a distant continent to the one I call home.

My childhood took place in suburban Seattle, insulated by way of entry into affluent neighborhoods and private schools. My parents folded easily into western convention: my mother, a Hong Kong native with British education, who moved to the Midwest at the age of sixteen; my father, a third generation immigrant, born and raised in the Pacific Northwest. On Thanksgiving weekend, they would drive my brother and me down to Portland, where we’d bake pies with white aunts and uncles, then sneak into the movies with a troupe of Hapa cousins. White America bore my first friends, role models and educators, the first romantic rhapsody when a boy takes your hand and asks you to dance. And in the darkness of a grade school gymnasium, it was possible to believe myself both seen and invisible.  

Once removed from this vacuum, however, I began to see etchings of color. Between packing my childhood into boxes and stepping off the plane in Hong Kong, this epiphany gave way to a series of unshakable patterns and behavior as high school flooded around me, like rapids at a crossroads of culture.

I pursued familiarity in those from the U.S., with whom I shared a cadence of language. Though I oscillated between overlapping groups of Korean, Hong Kong, and American classmates, I related most to the latter, and shamefully attempted to win their allegiance at the expense of the others. More than once, I sat in earnest discomfort, listening to new friends mock the accented English or alien pop music of another student—a practice I could not justify, not only for the acceptance I enjoyed in Seattle, but also because Hong Kong was clearly a part of me. I knew this now in the arms of extended family, and in the mirror, as my placement of features echoed in the millions outside. Still, I grappled to retain the exempt invisibility I once possessed. When asked if I cared for the eccentricities of other Asians, I repeated without hesitation, no way, you’re right, that is weird.

The city seemed to echo our high school hierarchy, with whiteness concentrated in office buildings and elite clubs, while local Chinese manned the wet markets and sustained the service economy. Although padded in privilege, I watched without direct harm the results of a system in which social capital stretched along intertwined axes, a system that promised my family and I would forever place below the utmost echelon. This dichotomy, though imperfect, proved just enough to insert itself insidiously in the mind of an adolescent. And in my youth, I learned to hate this part of myself, to hate this new environment that forced me to forfeit worldly access.    

Thus I retreated to the U.S. for the remainder of high school, and learned to hide these aspects well. I distanced myself from Chinese America, eager to rewrite statistical bias and failing to find solace there. Though I flexed the ability to feign whiteness, I could no longer ignore stereotypes or prejudice; but this time, rather than implicate others, I resorted to a silent resignation.

In college, it was not uncommon for a partner to say something alarming mid-tryst, where vulnerability lets loose the laws of good conduct. On one occasion, I sank into the embrace of distant friend, and he stopped to stare at me hungrily, his eyes flickering in the dark so like the freedom of that first dance. Then he leaned in and whispered drunkenly, God I’ve missed Asians, with all the tender calamity of a husky sweet nothing. Nausea coursed through me, but I could no longer tell whether rage and revulsion pulsed outward at my accomplice or inward, against my own body, as we continued on.

I recall lying awake well into the night by his side, imagining a world in which I put on my clothes and walk out of his life without looking back. In this world, I call the Asian American friends I do not have and they tell me people like him know nothing of beauty, beauty like a deep purple bruise pressed into a rabid strength born of affliction.

Years later, walking through a park in south central Los Angeles, a friend would turn to me and say in thoughtful reflection, you know, I think we might be the only white people here. To which I could only throw up my hands and laugh a small, triumphant laugh, for it had been my private mission all these years to erase my ethnicity completely. But when this goal was at last accomplished, I knew whiteness only as something in which I would never take part.  

—

Despite my best efforts to hide our relation, China refused to keep quiet. As the nation came to occupy more of the global stage, I wore the threat of its industrious population like a badge across my face; and when asked to represent views I did not know, for the first time, I found I wanted to know. Of course, I faced a fraught relationship to China, with part-time inhabitance in an autonomous territory and the language capacity of an inattentive student. Yet the call of awe and adventure, ignited by my years as an unwilling envoy, convinced me that acceptance lay in wait for wayward diaspora. After two decades in hiding, I took the leap – and shattered myself across the streets of Beijing.

The first blow came from my colleagues at the international office of my fellowship. Though I arrived in the midst of other fresh-faced Americans, and repeatedly offered assurance that I did not speak well, some combination of generosity and general bias led most to continue as though I understood them perfectly. It was an active battle to emphasize the opposite, and the first few days I carried an open secret that somehow only I believed. Then, all at once, the full story broke open across the kitchen table.

As the conversation shifted into comical banter, I smiled uncertainly in a room full of laughter, causing a colleague to turn to me and ask, so how much of what we say can you understand? To which I replied meekly, at least 50-percent? An unreasonably high estimate at the time, but one that felt necessary to dampen the sting of an ousted charade. I watch as their collective expression molds around this new information, hovering in the shape of disappointment as we stare into our food. The color that crawls into my face feels just as unbidden as this tide of assumptions; I entered the role of imposter for no other reason than my face, and the immigrant version of a once-native last name. Over time, we develop an equilibrium at which both Chinese and English offer buoyance for friendship, but this moment of mortification buries itself into my subconscious, germinating into a strain of social anxiety.  

I start to avoid getting lunch in large groups, leave meetings early, smile and wave instead of stopping for small talk. I ignore invitations and let new friends slide, an introversion so unlike myself that I question my motives for moving here. Somewhere, far beneath the waking mind, I acknowledge this reaction as self-defense, an attempt to buffer the sadness of what feels like failure – to my family, my heritage, but foremost, my own expectations. The city had opened fire on the naïve notion that I shared anything in common with its populace.

In an ironic twist of solidarity, compassion comes in the form of other foreigners. Yet the world continued to haunt me in a way it did not them – waiters, drivers, front desks and phone calls, always the same incredulous expression, but you never learned Mandarin, or even Cantonese? I reluctantly empathize with the opposition, as invisibility returns at the cost of silence. China is, in its majority, comprised of those who have never met someone like me; I am a surprise, and a cliché—a student who didn’t study hard enough the classical art of knowing oneself.

It’s as though we approach understanding on winding highway, and at every stage, one has the opportunity to stop or find a route elsewhere. Sometimes it’s me, exhausted with the same explanation time and again; sometimes it’s my collocutor, daunted by the prospect of additional patience in engagement. In Beijing, my anxiety and resentment compound with local surprise and disinterest, such that the off ramps double in number. And it is this looming dispassion that scares me most. I am met with the possibility that I alone without my words, without a presupposition of innocence and significance, do not warrant pursuit in camaraderie. This, compounded with the towering notion that learning Chinese might simply be too hard, that cross-cultural closeness might never coalesce, forms the paralyzing and insurmountable fear that I might never find footing in a world I had come to believe I must belong.  

—

After a year of emotional tumult, I find myself back in the amicable throng of my father’s family, thirteen cousins of varied age, build and character grinning at each other as we prepare dinner for our parents. My grandmother sits silently at the dining table, watching us work with an absent-minded smile.

She and I, we rarely spoke in my childhood. Affection translated instead through heaps of steaming food and the press of an extra sweater, wide smiles across the dining room table. She might mutter snippets of advice in English, or I’d overhear her converse in Cantonese, but she largely remained a fixed point of silence, always with the same short grey hair in contrast to the brilliant floral patterns nestled around her. No more than a week away from Beijing, I realize that my time abroad may have opened a new channel of understanding between us.

Mah Mah, I offer gently in Mandarin, sitting beside her under the pretext of cutting olives, I visited your campus last year in Beijing. She turns slowly, her smile no longer absent-minded. The university, you mean? I was studying to be a doctor there.

Yes, I know. I saw the lake too, the famous one, and walked around the gardens; it’s beautiful there.

Yes, it is beautiful. I lived there for almost four years, she says, nodding, her eyes clouding over. I had heard her story before, wherein she graduated top of her class, moved from rural Guangzhou to university in Beijing, and on the brink of becoming doctor, the tremors of revolution convinced her parents to send her away.

When she looks at me again, I feel that she is seeing me for the first time, a memory on the opposite shore of eight decades. I watch her on the western bank, wondering what she must see in her progeny, none of whom remember her native language, most who will never know the depth of her story. From the east, she watches an alternate universe where, with the blessings of privilege and peace, she lives freely in the urban epicenter of her mother country.

I am lucky, I blurt suddenly, and I am grateful to be there now.

She blinks, and she forgives me. Well, I imagine it’s quite different from when I was there.  

We continue on this shared wavelength, onto other places we used to live, other things we used to do – church, piano, painting – stories long since tucked away. We talk of the new Asian American support center opening up in Portland, an enterprise I once would have disregarded, but now declare a necessity. We sit quietly on the edge of a bustling kitchen, and my grandfather emerges from the ruckus to place his hand on my shoulder.  

For a moment, I am transported from the world around us, in which we prepare a feast of Mexican food at a summer lodge beneath Mt. Hood, where hip hop booms within the walls and Frisbees kiss the cedar pine, away from the glamor and sex of America, into the shadow world on which our story is built. In this world, my grandparents fought tooth and claw to keep their family of seven afloat, working night shifts at the Flower Drum, fetching bread ends from the bakery to feed the coming day. From long hours as a waitress at the Sichuanese diner to his white uniform in the Second World War, from the brief exchange of faded pictures that determined who they both would marry, all the way back between the mountains of Guangdong, where, for the first time, this story began – I watch in my mind’s eye as though to remember.

I gaze at my grandmother, and into the decades of pain and resilience that sit like a well dug miles deep behind those eyes. At the bottom, I see myself in Beijing, scrabbling to find a way to the surface, to recover some semblance of acceptance. But in fact, I belong nowhere else upon arrival; my grandparents labored for years to escape that world, their sacrifice evident in our assimilation sprouting from the ashes of departure.  

Shrieks of joy come from the living room, where my youngest cousin in being shaken upside down by my brother, pulling me out of my reverie. I am tempted to hide, and cry, but the hand on my shoulder squeezes, and my grandmother makes a soft noise, 嗯. She watches the tousle of grandchildren on the carpet, laughing in tiny, shaking cackle.  

—

I come from a long line of irrepressible immigrant energy. My mother’s grandfather, an entrepreneurial boy from Haining, who built his fortune on fine cloth and wrote history in Hong Kong hours south of the revolution; his first daughter, on the passenger ship home from college, fell in love with an introverted academic who would whisk her from Texas to Canada before growing roots back east again. My father’s grandfather, a thin bookkeeper from the outskirts of Guangzhou, answered the call of his uncle’s fish cannery and opened an import store on the Oregon coast. He and his wife, and their children, and their children, lived through a bloody America that bore exclusions acts and riots and murder before packaging the Chinese alongside distinct fellows in a single Asian entity that made fervent gains in wealth, education, and social grace. On this battleground, they fought and won survival, amid violent slurs and exoticization, the isolation and certain despair, persisting such that one day, decades down the line, we might claim this land our own. And on Thanksgiving weekend, my brother, mother, father and I drive down to Portland together, to reunite a circle of loved ones and rest atop our tired empire, buttressed by the nobility of forefathers who simply put their heads down and beat on.

On the plane ride home to Beijing, a strange insignificance arrives, like that of a single thread, braided into an intricate fabric stretched halfway around the world. I am but one of many millions of migrants who were granted safe passage between these nations. Not only this, but other identities in both have suffered and continue to suffer at the hands of darker tragedy; to seize up in light of indelicate acceptance is to forsake the brave knowledge of those before: discomfort and rejection are the pedagogy of self-acceptance; oppression, the window to truth. Like my forebears from Asia, I travel with agency, and with respect to their decision, I bow in the humility of return.

In my second year, I find footholds in friendship, working to bridge the distance from expat to local. Passersby still stare as I struggle to read, but I concentrate instead on my teacher’s rounded smile, the way she pedals her hands to signify balance between characters. I catch dinner with an old friend, and she tells me she hears a new confidence in this voice; confidence, perhaps not in language, but in the art of knowing oneself, knowing that my first name and face represent the south, knowing why my great-grandparents sewed gold into their clothing and once fled far from here, knowing the dignity, grit, and unparalleled intrigue of my Chinese colleagues and friends – uncovering at long last, a story to expound my existence, and a reason to continue its writing.

I don’t claim to meet expectations, but I do lay claim to a life here, swimming my way back to an identity I must earn, paying dues for the past divergence, day by day, character by character. And acceptance, when it does come, rains down with a depth of understanding more honest than any identity crisis, one that says this ‘white-ass’ Chinese American bit the bullet and made a home for herself, that much closer to the middle between two worlds.

Erin Wong served as a Princeton in Asia fellow in Beijing from 2017-2018 and continues to live there, working at an environmental NGO.