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koba-baboba · 3 years

Text

moony

a/n: hey look a new series because i got overhwhelmed by in the dark. this will be a self indulgent story so its ok if you dont like it. im trying a new writing style so let me know if its any good. this isnt really edited so read at your own risk. shout out to anyone who can figure out which part of this chapter i inserted after it was done.

chapter 1/? word count: 1628

warnings: none i think. a weeny bit of blood.

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towering trees and bright flowers are all i can see for miles, it was the most beautiful thing ever. mother held my hand, swinging it as we walked along the dimly lit dirt path. "happy birthday my love! how does it feel to be 6 hm?" mothers words are soft and full of love as she looks down at me fondly. "not much differnt, i think im taller maybe?" i screw my face up trying to think if i felt taller or not, i *felt* taller. mother laughed heartly as she looked around us. "youre almost past my hip now! youve definitely gotten taller." mother cooed still looking happily at me. i smiled, i *am* almost past her hip now! i swung her hand even more as we contiuned on our walk. "dad doesnt like to go on these walks does he?" i questioned, looking up at mother. "he doesnt like to get his fancy shoes dirty, Alexander has always been that way" she reasured me softly. the bush in front of us rustled, mother excitedly pulled me down to crouch so we didnt scare the critter moving towards us. i wiggled excitedly, hoping it would be a bunny. "stay still. maybe its a deer" mother whispers into my ear. the rustling get louder before a dirty tired looking man stumbles out. mother pulled me up harshly and hid me behind her. i tried to peek out at the man but she shoved me behind her again. i suddenly remebered what day it was, the full moon. i clutched to mothers shirt as she put a hand on my shoulder.

"can i help you sir? you look ill" mothers voice is shakey but firm. "now that you ask... i do need help"

im on my back on the floor, its uncomfortable and bumpy. my hands are wet and warm, it feels gross and sticky.i raise my hands to my face, theyre red? i turn my head to see if mother knows whats happening and... the man is on top of her, his teeth digging into her neck. shes screaming, crying, "m-mom?"

"mom?" i whisper but im not in that forest anymore, im on my bed in my room. i look around my room, at the posters and drawings on my wall that i made myself, at my trunk and bag near my door. it takes me a second to register the knocking at my door. "andi we need to go" a sandy haired man says softly as he pushes through my door. its just remus, im safe. i push myself up to sit on the edge of my bed and run my hand through my messy curls. "are you alright sweetheart?" remus- dad, asks me softly. "nightmare" i mumbled sleepily. he sighs and sits down next to me. he rubs circles against my back. "its always worse after the full moon, give yourself some patient love" dad said softly, he knew i wouldnt actually give myself time to bounce back. it was frustrating to admit i needed time to heal, i didnt like admitting i was differnt. dad sighed and kissed my forehead gently "get dressed, you can eat at the weasleys, molly will have plenty of food for you"

i pull my t-shirt and worn jeans on and try desperatley to make my hair less of a mess. i dragged my trunk downstairs towards dad who was waiting patiently at the door. "ready? molly will have some ointments for you when you get there."

"i double checked this time" i chuckle, more than once ive forgotten something important, my school supplies werent exactly cheap so that wasnt exaclty ideal. dad chuckled and looped his arm through mine and, with a loud pop, we landed at the burrow. my second home! i live here as often as i do at dads house. it was the most brilliant house ive ever been too.

the door flew open and two lanky twins came flying towards me. fred and george collided with me, hugging me tightly. i giggled squeezing them tightly. Remus put his hand on my shoulder “I’ll see you at the train station, be safe” and with a pop he was gone.

“He never comes inside” a sweet voice came from the doorway. A plump woman was looking fondly at the three teens. She opened her arms wide, beckoning me forward. i smiled and wrapped my arms around molly. “Hello dear” she cooed into my hair. Molly pulled back and looked me over, cupping my face and turned it side to side, examining the new cuts and bruises i donned. She hummed

“Ginny! Ron! Come here!” Molly shouted as she pulled me inside, the twins following.

“She’s going to coddle you” Fred whispered into my ear with a little chuckle. i rolled my eyes as i followed molly into the kitchen where Ron and Ginny had just rushed in.

“Andi!” Ginny bounded towards me wrapping her arms around me and hugged me like it had been years since the last time she had seen me. Ginny had always looked up to me like an older sister ever since she could speak. i hoisted Ginny up and into my arms spinning her around. god i loved the weasleys, every one of them, including percy.

“I’m a little offended you didn’t do that for us” George huffed feigning hurt.

“Yeah come on andi, I thought we were your favourite” Fred added, mimicking his twin.

“Now when did I say that boys” i teased as i plopped Ginny back on the floor. The twins rolled their eyes before throwing their arms over my shoulders. the twins did this to me so often, we were always joined at the hip in some way.

“I dunno I just have a sneaking suspicion that you like us” the boys said in unison. i snickered and gave Ron a happy “hello”

“Now now boys don’t be too rough on her” molly scolded shooing the twins off of me. i sighed, Molly always had a tendency to treat me like i was fragile. “Oh come on mum it’s not like we’re throwing her around” Fred whined. “We could if you wanted” George whispered. The trio had learned early on that the best way to annoy the younger groups was to mock flirt with each other. After awhile it became an inside joke that the three found hilarious. Much to everyone’s dismay.

“Come on andi let me clean you up” Molly’s words are sweet but insistent. i know better than to argue with molly over this stuff. Molly is a excellent healer and it would be stupid to deny her help. i looked over at the twins who are grinning ear to ear, they did warn me i suppose. i rolled my eyes once more before following molly to the living room. i sit down on the sofa the twins and i often crowd. It was far too small for three lanky teens. Molly began rustling in a little bag near a bookshelf. She was humming a song and shaking to a tune only she could hear. Ah ha! Molly exclaimed as she pulled out a little jar full of white paste.

“This will help it heal a little faster, it won’t keep it from scarring unfortunately” molly starts excitedly before mumbling off the last part. i knew this, magic was wonderful but it couldn’t prevent scarring in most situations. i had more scars than i cared to count. Molly cupped my face as she smeared the paste over my wounds, i winced slightly. no matter if it had numbing ingriedents or not, this part always hurt

“I know it hurts, just breathe” molly humed. “Do you have anymore?” Molly questions looking me over. “You know the answer to that question” i chuckled dryly as i stood pulling my shirt up with me. Revealing a bandage stretching across my stomach.

Molly sighed, she hated seeing her kids hurt, not that Andi was her kid but it certainly felt like it. Molly peeled the bandage off slowly trying desperately to keep it from hurting too much.

i shuddered biting back tears as i felt the bandage pull healed skin with it.

The twins were watching from the doorway as molly tended to Andi. They knew what Andi looked like after full moons but they never got used to the gashes and bruises she dawned afterwards. Fred turned away, he felt sick to his stomach, he loved Andi, he wished he could take this from her. She didn’t deserve it.

Molly patched andi's stomach up once more and pulled her shirt down over it.

“Put this on your face twice a day and I’ll help you with your back until you go to school then then ask one of your friends to help” molly instructed waving her finger at me to enunciate her words.

“Yes ma’am” i mock soluted, i knew how much that annoyed her. i turned towards the door way and gave George a lopsided grin and peeked past him at Fred who was leaning against a counter.

“Want to show me what your letters talked about?” i said my tone dripping with mischief. The twins faces lit up as they grabbed my hands and dragged me up the stairs, giggling like kids the whole way to their room.

“What are you three planning??” Molly shouted up the stairs. She knew those three were troublemakers at heart. They had been since they met when they were 7. Remus needed help with Andi after a rough full moon and the rest is history. The three of them managed to turn rons teddy bear into a spider once.

#harry potter headcanon #harry potter fandom #harry potter stories #the weasly twins #the weasleys #harry potter #fan fiction #harry potter fanfiction #fypage

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clownbeep · 5 years

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This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

#trigger warning #triggering #may be triggering #vent #emotional neglect #emotional abuse #suicide #suicide trigger #gore warning #memory problems #ramble #rambles

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wildflowrrs · 5 years

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*:･ﾟ✧ manakete!cypher is well... tragic, really.

*:･ﾟ✧ generally speaking, she keeps the same motif as always--- abused by her father for years, eventually snaps and kills him, and then runs off to live on her own in the world despite being HORRIFICALLY unprepared for it. this is no exception, except it’s considerably worse.

backstory:

cypher’s father is not actually her father. she never knew her true parents, and can only remember always being raised by a shitty human she was forced to call father.

cypher is treated as a pet, or a trophy, whichever you feel is more accurate. as dragons/manaketes are rare, she’s often showed off by her father to others, who are often too touchy for her liking, whether in dragon form or not, and often ends up hurting her in some kind of way, which of course makes her react poorly, and thus--- makes punishments worse.

she’s literally raised like a dog. did i mention she’s chained up and muzzled near 24/7? bc she is. despite being a dragon, she’s still young--- and constantly in pain, so escaping or fighting back isn’t a very solid option, nor idea, bc doing so only makes it all the more worse.

she eventually does get pushed to her limits and rebels in a very, very feral way--- unfortunately during one of her “showings” as a dragon. chains finally broke after her years of attempts of escape, and, well, not a pretty sight--- everyone was slaughtered. brutally.

of course, she flees, but unlike her other verses--- she doesn’t regret it a single bit.

eventually someone is kind enough to remove her muzzle for her as it has been on for days and she’d been starving, despite her initial displeasure with the concept of a human being nice to her. should she ever meet them again, they would certainly be treated a bit nicer in comparison to others.

appearance: note: i will draw this all later for a good visual ref

she keeps the usual wild, short pink hair and ocean blue eyes, and body covered in scars.

she has draconic features in human form, as to be expected with me. her forearms and hands, as well as legs below the knees have a scaled texture and are clawed, always. she also has a tail which is always around, as well as cat-like eyes and razor sharp teeth. of course with all manaketes she has the pointed ears, and horns are up for debate whether shown or not.

in dragon form--- tldr she looks like toothless, body wise. head wise is different, but i’ll still end up using toothless as a fc, probably. again, ill draw it later.

as expected, she’s pink. literally everyone expected this. ill leave it to the eventual drawing for details.

the chains around her neck and one of her arms remains, regardless of form. dont ask me how it works, just know it works. when she eventually gets herself a dragonstone, it’s embedded into the chain collar. again, don’t ask how it works.

game related:

recruiting her is incredibly, INCREDIBLY difficult, but it’s possible. it just takes a few attempts. just know she won’t adjust very well at all, but give her the time and i’m sure she will.

im not fantastic with fire emblem, so i wont go in with skills or anything like that--- feel free to suggest stuff, idc. but stat wise, the general gist is that her attack is high, defenses and speed are okay, luck is terrible, and her hp is fucking massive. naturally of course, incredibly weak to things effective on dragons--- falchion especially. for feh? red infantry dragon.

maybe not game related at all, but idk where else to really put it--- she’s fire elemental. guess what color they are! if u thought pink u were WRONG theyre blue just like her eyes.

general/other:

cypher dislikes humans greatly--- and lashes out at them should they get too close, whether it be fatally or not, there will be injury.

as always, do not touch her without her consent. allies or not, there still is very much so the risk of being fatally injured. trauma, man.

she bonds easier with other dragons. it’s not immediate of course, but it’s noticeable.

she’s a very solitary person. when pair up strategies are introduced she’s VERY against it, but will go through with it if necessary.

she purrs! of course she purrs. this is jordyn we’re talking about. if they’re not human in any way, they purr. its law.

as expected, she does not warm up to people easily. it takes A LOT of time and effort, but it IS possible. if she trusts the person enough, they’ll be allowed to touch her in and out of dragon form.

she’s able to push away the curse dragons have of eventual maddening for longer than what’s considered normal--- she was able to go through what she had without going mad then, surely she’s able to push it away out of sheer stubbornness and spite. of course that doesn’t mean she’s immune to it, she definitely can slip into those moments, but she’s more likely to get herself back to normal rather than be consumed by it.

bonus emo bc of that ask: when cypher realizes just how slow she ages compared to the people around her and most importantly her friends--- it really fucks her up. imagine growing up to absolutely despise humans for the way youve been treated, eventually manage to learn to trust them and grow actually positive attachments to them to the point of no longer randomly lashing out at every one you see, only for all that you care for to die right before your eyes while you’re still living strong. it fucks her up so badly, and it gives her a sense of betrayal, enough so that she’d eventually revert to her old ways and live in solitary while being aggressive to any humans who dare approach her.

#《 🌸. eat my ass spirits! 》 (ooc)#《 🌸. but you won't take away my pride — no not this time 》 (manakete)#abuse mention //#abuse //#death //#death mention //#long post //#ask to be tagged //#holy sHIT THIS TOOK A WHILE AND IS WAY LONGER THAN I THOUGHT #WEEEEEEEEEEEEW #guess im more passionate abt this than i thought #vnfughdv #anyways hi #heres This Mess

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cloudsbian · 7 years

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whoops this has been in my drafts for an ungodly amount of time sorry its so late lol thanks for tagging me @lenallvthor!!

rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people tagging: @fireflili, @bisexual-inej, @shesthemuscle, @girlswhorunmyfandoms, @afoxintime, @senseigorgeous and whoever else wants to do it :)

THE LAST

1. drink: water 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: @/grow-more-flowers 4. song you listened to: east by vallis alps 5. time you cried: alex danvers 6. dated someone twice: lol no 7. kissed someone and regretted it: nope 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yes 10. been depressed: lmao yeah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, im underage and potentially very allergic to alcohol

3 FAVOURITE COLOURS 12. purpley-grey 13. yellow 14. light pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. made new friends: yes 16. fallen out of love: kinda? 17. laughed until you cried: definitely 18. found out someone was talking about you: no 19. met someone who changed you: no i dont think so?? 20. found out who your friends are: i sure hope so 21. kissed someone on your facebook list: i dont use facebook

GENERAL 22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: facebook is gross 23. do you have any pets: no 24. do you want to change your name: no 25. what did you do for your last birthday: i saw hamilton 26. what time did you wake up: 6:30 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: homework 28. name something you can’t wait for: graduation 29. when was the last time you saw your mom: a few hours ago when she said goodnight 31. what are you listening to right now: pluto by sleeping at last 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: not that i know of 33. something that is getting on your nerves: literally everything about school 34. most visited website: tumblr probably lol 35. hair colour: black 36. long or short hair: in between? does that count? 37. do you have a crush on someone: who doesn’t 38. what do you like about yourself: artistic ability 39. want any piercings: debatable 40. blood type: i should probably know this but i don’t 41. nickname: i used to be called momo in elementary school but nobody uses it anymore 42. relationship status: c'est compliqué 43. zodiac: capricorn 44. pronouns: she/her 45. favourite tv show: one day at a time 46. tattoos: maybe? 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: no 49. piercing: nope 50. sport: competitive swimming 51. vacation: i went to anaheim and on a cruise to mexico this summer 52. pair of trainers: a shit ton of converse and vans and one pair of nike free runs MORE GENERAL 53. eating: i already ate dinner but i really want ice cream or smth 54. drinking: water 55. i’m about to: go to sleep draw sanvers 56. waiting for: dua lipa tour tickets 57. want: my drivers license 58. get married: something in the very distant future, yes 59. career: an animator or illustrator WHICH IS BETTER 60. hugs or kisses: both 61. lips or eyes: lips 62. shorter or taller: taller 63. older or younger: same age, maybe a year older 64. nice arms or nice stomach: if youve got either im set 65. hook up or relationship: relationship 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, im an anxious ball of energy 183% of the time HAVE YOU EVER 67. kissed a stranger: i wish, sounds fun tho 68. drank hard liquor: nope 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: yeah but only briefly 70. turned someone down: sort of?? 71. sex on the first date: nope 72. broken someone’s heart: i really hope not 73. had your heart broken: um it wasnt really broken, just...... slightly bruised i guess 74. been arrested: no but i have been in the back of a police car before 75. cried when someone died: yes 76. fallen for a friend: who hasn’t?????? DO YOU BELIEVE IN 77. yourself: minimally 78. miracles: i guess 79. love at first sight: maybe for other people but i dont understand how they do that 80. santa claus: unfortunately not 81. kiss on the first date: ofc 82. angels: girls are angels OTHER 83. current best friend’s name: ******** 84. eye colour: brown 85. favorite movie: mary poppins, pacific rim, moana, big hero six, the devil wears prada

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salazar-slytherin-8867 · 7 years

Note

I challenge you to answer ALL the unusual asks. (If not just answer the ones you want to)

(thanks)

1) Spotifiy, Soundcloud, or Pandora?

Spotifiy

2) Is your room messy or clean?

Messy. very. very. messy.

3) What color are your eyes?

blue/green.

4) Do you like your name? why?

Not really. I got bullied for it in third and fourth grade about it, so Ive kinda disliked it since, but at least its not generic.

5) What is your realationship status?

in a relationship.

6) Describe your personality in 3 words or less.

Really fucking annoying.

7) What color hair do you have?

Blonde, but Im thinking of dying it.

8) What kind of car do you drive? color?

I cant drive, but my mom car is a green 2000 Toyota Camry

10) How would you describe your style?

All over the place and completely random.

11) Favorite Social Media Account?

Probabaly my Facebook, cause thats where I talk to most of my family.

12) What size is your bed?

Twin, I think.

13) Any sibblings?

I have two half sisters and two half brothers on my fathers side, and a twin brother.

14) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be, and why?

Mars cause I want to go to Pigfarts Probabaly like the Oregon coast. cause I like cold weather and the West Coast

15) favorite Snapchat filter?

I dont use Snapchat, soooo.

16) Favortie makeup brand(s)

I dont wear a lot of make up, but I do like e.l.f.

17) How many times do you shower in a week?

On a good week, 5-6, on a bad week, 2-3.

18) Favorite Tv show?

Rick and Morty, or NCIS

19) Shoe size?

sometimes I wear a 5, others a six or seven, it varies depending on the style of shoe…

20) How tall are you?

5′1″

21) Sandals or Sneakers?

Sneakers

22) Do you go to the gym?

Nope.

23) Describe your dream date.

probably just like, picnic by a lake or at a park.

24) How much money do you have in your wallet right now?

I dont have a wallet, but I have a jar of pocket money with $83

25) what color socks are you wearing?

Im not wearing socks but earlier I was wear black socks.

26) How many pillows do you sleep with?

I only have one for my head, but I have 12 pillows on my bed.

27) Do you have a job? what do you do?

does being annoying and sad count as a job?

28) How many friends do you have?

12, but only half are close friends.

29) What is the worst thing youve ever done?

In third grade I gave a kid a black eye…

30) whats your favorite candle scent?

Spring Rain.

31) 3 favorite boy names?

Max, Alex, Jake.

32) 3 favorite girl names?

Raine, Sage, Autum.

33) Favortie actor?

Lenardo DeCaprio

34) Favorite Actress?

Emma Watson

35) Who is your celebrity crush

Dont have one.

36) Favorite Movie?

Rent

37) Do you read a lot? what is your favorite book?

I’ve actually been trying to read more, I love Sparrow Road, If I stay, and Shadow.

38) Money or brains?

Brains, teach a man to fish.

39) Do you have a nickname?

Moxie Clean, Moxanne, Molly Molly Moxen Free, Marshmallow, mo, mox.

40) How many times have you been to the hospital?

Once, when I was five, when I cracked my forhead open I Have a Scar I am Harry Potter

41) top ten favorite songs?

Thats What You Get~Paramore,Thnks Fr Th Mmrs~ Fall Out Boy, Misery Business~Paramore, Whatsername~Green Day, It Ends Tonight~All American Rejects, Be my Escape~Relent K, 21st Century Breakdown~Green Day, Always~Blink-182, Ignorance~Paramore, A Drop in the Ocean~ Ron Pope.

42) Do you take any medications daily?

Zyrtec, and Asprins.

43) What is your skin type?

No clue, kinda dry I guess?

44) What is your biggest fear?

Probably abandonment having no one care about/like me. or being a disapointment.

45) How many kids do you want?

probably just one. three max.

46) What is your go to hairstyle?

I just leave my hair down.

47) what type of house do you live in?

I live in an apartment, that is super tiny, and hasnt been updated since the ealy 90′s…

48) Who is your role model?

the woman my mother works for. and my Grandmother.

49) what is the last complement you recived?

one of my friends told me he liked my rant about depression.

50) What is the last text you sent?

‘bro, did you die?!?’

51) How old were you when you ofund out Santa wasnt real?

I was 5, I still put out cookies, but now they’re for my Grandmother and Grandfather.

52) What is your dream car?

I dont know yet, maybe just a Pale Green VW bug, or something that costs less.

53) Opinion on smoking?

I dont like smokers Ive been bullied my entire life cause all my clothes smell like cigerette smoke, but I dont really get to voice my thoughts cause most of my family smokes. But I have no plans to when Im old enough.

54) Do you go to college?

No. And I wont be anytime in the next five years or so.

55) What is your dream job?

Chemist/Nurse/Author, or something that does good and pays well.

56) Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Rural Areas. Its nice to see all the stars so clearly.

57) Do you take the shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

should I not?

58) Do you have freckles?

No, but my mother says that I did when I was younger.

59) Do you smile for photos?

Sometimes.

60) How many pictures do you have on your phone?

I dont have a phone so….

61) Have you ever peed in the wood?

nope.

62) Do you still watch cartoons?

yeah.

63) do you perfer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

I cant afford to eat out. (just for the record, Micky D’s)

64)Favorite dipping suace?

ranch.

65) What do you wear to bed?

it depends, it I dont feel like changing I’ll sleep in what Im wearing, otherwise, just sweats and a tee shirt.

66) have you ever won a spelling bee?

Ive never even entered cause in third grade, my teacher told me not to bother trying cause my spelling was too bad, so I havent entered since.

67) What are your Hobbies?

Is eating a hobby? I like to read, draw, write, and sit around being sad. and kazoooo

68) Can you draw?

Not well.

69) do you play an insturment?

Clarinet, Guitar, and piano.

70) what is the last concert you saw?

a band concert, that I was in.

71) tea or coffee?

Both.

72) Starbucks or Dunkin?

that depends on the day, what planets where seen last night, what color socks Im wearing, when the next full moon is, and weather or not I have money.

73) Do you want to get married?

Maybe.

74) what is your crushes first and last initial?

M.D.

75) Are you going to change your last name when you get married?

maybe.

76) what color looks best on you?

teal maybe? I honestly have no clue.

77) do you miss anyone right now?

My friends from school, and old nieghboirs.

78) Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

normally, I would sleep with my door closed, by my brother broke the hinge, so now it can only be open

79) Do you believe in ghosts?

yeah.

80) what is your biggest pet peeve?

people who only care about others and never help themselves, people who act entitled when they arent, and people use terms they dont know the deffinition of.

81) Last person you called?

@geez-man, in like, June

82) favorite Ice Cream flavor?

mint or coffee.

83) Regular oreos, or golden oreos?

regular.

84) Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

both. yes. all of the above.

85) What shirt are you wearing?

its a leopard with the David Bowie lighting blot on its face.

86) what is your phone background?

*doesnt have phone*

87) Are you outgoing or shy?

A bit of both, it depends who Im with,

88) do you like it when people play with your hair?

sometimes, depends who it is. I have trust issuses with people who touch my hair, cause in fifth grade a girl told to whole school I had lice, even though I didnt.

89) do you like your neighboirs?

I dont know my nieghboirs that well, cause most poeple are only here a couple months and then they leave, so really Im indifferent.

90) Do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

in the mornings.

91) have you ever been high?

nope.

92) have you ever been drunk?

nope.

93) Last thing you ate?

A chicken sandwhich with pesto, chedder and pita chips.

94) Favorite lyrics right now?

“why do we like to hurt so much?”~thats what you get, Paramore;

“The walls start breathing My mind’s un-weaving Maybe it’s best you leave me alone”~It ends tonight, All American Rejects;

“Well there’s a million other girls who do it just like you Looking as innocent as possible to get to who They want and what they like, it’s easy if you do it right”~Misery Business, Paramore.

“If I could find you now things would get better We could leave this town and run forever” Ocean Avenue, Yellowcard.

“Where’s your gavel? Your jury? What’s my offense this time? You’re not a judge but if you’re gonna judge me Well sentence me to another life.”Ignorance, Paramore

“Don’t wanna hear your sad songs I don’t wanna feel your pain When you swear it’s all my fault Cause you know we’re not the same”~Ignorance, Paramore.

95) Summer or Winter?

Winter.

96) Day or Night?

night.

97) Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk chocolate. but if you offer me white or dark chocolate, I wont refuse.

98) Favorite Month?

August.

99) What is your Zodiac sign?

Scorpio

100) Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I dont cry when Im with other people.

(I probabaly mispelled 50% of this. Im sorry.)

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sundrenched-smilez · 7 years

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tell me about... bee and lynn...

bee and lynn!! what pals, they used to date haha sry this took me forever, lynn has been mostly a mystery to me until vry recently, so i never knew how to answer this

so im gonna do abt lynn and then abt how lynn and bee go together + what kinda relationship they have

lynn is nonbinary probably and uses they/them + is androgynous and gorgeous, the kinda person u see in ur dreams and hope is real, or see on the street or on the bus and wanna befriend bc they look so pretty and fun, and they have a soft, nice smile that u could fall in love with

they work in a grocery store and if u ever hear them laugh, ur basically blessed for life bc gosh it’s incredible and the best sound youve heard. they have pink fluffy hair and a big nose w big lips 2 match and u feel like ur really existing and understood when u meet their green/brown eyes. theyre usu pretty quiet and distant if they dont know u, but if u do know them, they’ll be pretty open and lax w u. lynn loves their alone time, but is also chill w just sitting together in silence, and occasionally they will show u one (1) whole meme or cool thing

they wear a lot of monocolor outfits, like diff shades of blue or green, with occasional black and other colors splashed in if theyre feelin it !! sometimes theyll plan outfits but usu they just throw on whatever and naturally look amazing + seemingly well coordinated

lynn has troubles trusting people tho, so if they dont already know u, theyre gonna b a lil hostile (yrs of customer service has given them animosity towards ppl, probably. and last time they trusted someone new they got burned badly over it.) they know of emma and r kind of like a sister to her, since theyre dating olivia + was around a lot. they like to be held a lot, and to hold, so oliva and them cuddle v often and watch movies or listen to music, or sit at parks + go on picnics and lay in the grass

some v wholesome stuff, i love them and cherish every moment they spend together lynn wants to be a big sister to emma a lot bc of Reasons (they had a little adoptive kind of sibling, but was just being used by her, partially why they don’t trust ppl as easily now.) they tell emm that if she needs to talk to anyone, theyre always there, and sometimes comes over just to hang out w her and catch up. they like drawing a lot and will often just sit and doodle together, gives emm some tips and encouragement, sometimes even a nice hug (which theyre gettin better and better at giving, and sometimes gives them rly great. just tight warm hugs that make u feel alive and safe and loved and give u hope that things rly will b ok) and ruffles her hair

now for bee and lynn!!

they dated for 7 months a couple years ago, before lynn and olivia got together. they were sharp edgy teens trying to be bad and sharp to the world, and it got to be too much for them both. there was lots of crying, and they were definitely conflicted about breaking up, and it was rly hard for a bit, but theyre better off for it. they’re good friends now, and play mini-golf on weekends. they spent a lot of dates getting coffee and sitting on buildings, goin to places they shouldn’t, and causing mischief. they almost got arrested once bc they went swimming after night + rly had to put on the waterworks that they came from their parents property and thought the lake was part of it. they had a lot of fun and were close, but it wasn’t healthy to rely so heavily on each other as a fix to themselves and all their problems theyre both a lot more open and talkative + expressive and honest of their feelings and needs, and r better off now. theyve got friends + more support than they ever did, and r in much better places.

when they hang out now, they like to jam out and collab on songs and art, and eat snacks, sometimes make snacks!! like nachos or homemade pocky or cupcakes and such !!every so often, one of them will b having a rly bad day and will need to get away from it all, so they have a sleepover + cuddle and watch whoever’s fav movie, and share the bed so they sleep ok, and get brunch the next morning/afternoon

im torn between keeping them friends and having them get back together, bc a rly nice platonic relationship would b cool bc not everything has to b romanticized or sexualized, but also theyre rly great together now + my poly ass needs representation

thank u so much for asking tho!! part of figuring out lynn was makin this post, so u helped shaped them a lot, and i super appreciate it bc i was havin trouble w them. im sry it took so long tho + hope u still see this

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wallkickswillwork · 7 years

Text

signal jamming

incoherency is comforting because of the narrative weve been fed our whole entire lives that in order to be palatable media must in some way be complete and have beveled, well-defined edges rather than being a mess of finger paints, bright colors, strange dialogues and verbiage, build trees of moods.

thoughts on: -futuristic anime, 90s anime and the unique sense of mood in toonami shows. they are a very good series of shows for people who are coming of age and who must slowly be forced to reckon with the industrialization and mercenary nature of adult life, as it is increasingly held captive by capitalism. there is also something essentially spiritual about it, especially shows like precure and dbz, where an interior or exterior-made-interior force is responsible for the protagonists' success in the face of an oppressive world-system. under capitalism, it frequently is the case that the entire world or entirety-of-world is against us. heroes must overcome overwhelming odds to leave their mark on a gauntlet of greats. -cowboy bebop, final fantasy 7, metroid as meditations on loss, urbanization, dating back to blade runner. this is a type of meditation that is present in much of cyberpunk, but its also not exclusively cyberpunk, and can extend in nature to non-cyberpunk works.

thinking about necrobarista and how its attempting to "resuscitate" anime, while this approach doesnt really examine what contemporary anime like jojos, precure, and slightly more dated anime like hidaske and nichijou do well. if we get all this tunnel vision for gurren lagann and flcl we can never look forward. i think a lot of the visual work that needs to be done is probably in movies. i think maybe there could be work done to marry cinema proper with its animated counterpart. steven universe seems like it gets it, and there are some anime that really seemed like they got it. i dont think were beyond salvation.

-listening to the whos "tommy" and thinking about how trauma and the humanity of that trauma is experienced and lived-through by the main character in socratic fashion. these stories are discussed by people whose actual, authentic experience of trauma irl is doubtful at best. they are great successes on stage who dont struggle in the sense that an actual victim would struggle. calls to mind how a lot of freuds patients would fabricate csa in order to fulfill the expectations of the therapist. but in other cases, actual patients with csa would repress their experiences or not feel comfortable discussing. so thats how i feel about gurus like meher baba or i guess alan watts. less trustworthy and more like scam artists. i do believe in what they teach, however. i think that a guru can teach the truth even if that guru is a liar. maybe its the truth, but the guru doesnt know it to be true, or else, the way the guru teaches it is untrue.

-for a while i imagined my own autism to be the result of childhood trauma that was repressed, but later emerged that those memories were fabricated, to my knowledge, and was left wondering.

-learning to regard the world with a sense of wonder from media like cowboy bebop and ff7. these worlds are jaded and decaying realities but there is a sense of awe at the vast, uncompromising reality. truly vast, sprawling and yawning cities and vast starry skies up above. beholding these things and beholding the starry skies and huge cities of our own planet surely stirs something in me.

-fantasy anime tends to go the joke route like slayers or else the route of "we are all kids, bro, stuck in an mmo" and i think this is mostly due to the admittedly antiquated setting of high fantasy in european trochets and history which to japanese people probably feel like white person set dressing and as they should, i mean. there are more high fantasy themes in something like inuyasha and japans history can be feudal, edo, the meiji restoration, primordial like princess mononoke, etc, so theres more wiggle room for historical works there. slayers et al is usually reduced to "characters moving around the forest" which is almost like this grand slice of the collective anime consciousness as it stands overlapping with, say, pokemon, to the extent where its one of the cliche anime things everyone thinks about, alongside high school, robots, nurses, etc.

-another thing to which we could probably ascribe the success of something like slayers to is wizardry and by proxy dragon quest. small graph paper monster garden games. the appeal is entirely mathematical so there are only a few directions that anime directors tend to run with it (goofy gag comedy if youre making a show or cut and dried authentic dungeon crawlers with moe characters instead of the usual dbz ones). going off what you definitely learn in japanese history class if youre a japanese student, for starters, there are thousands of years of chinese history, so you have romance of 3 kingdoms type stuff. or you have high school romances accounting for the various fire emblems where the appeal becomes game of thronesy "which of my characters in dragon quest land can i make kiss each other and myself", very good ground to cover as we start asking the important questions. theres samurai stuff as we already know, drawing on years of samurai media, kurosawas films and zen spirituality, art of the blade type stuff, jeet kune do in some instances and reaching so far afield as to probably raise some interesting and important questions about pan-asiatic cultural identity which this author (white) is ill-advised to answer. but reeling it back in, the question mostly being of history, and how a lot of fantasy media draws more from History proper as a codified cultural body than histories being individuated familial experiences. its true that when a work does something unique with history (earthbounds hippy dippy approach to the 1960s, undertales handling of furry culture, yume nikkis south american murals) its tended to be seen as that works "thing" as if because hulk hogan was an all american wrestler that precluded john cena from being same, or at least, embodying a similar if slightly modified niche. nobody can make a hippy dippy rpg now or something because itd just be called an earthbound ripoff rather than a loving homage. and i think thats wrong headed and how genres become stillborn rather than invented and developed upon. we have this vast morass of stuff from the 20th century and we could be developing various 60s, 70s, 80s fantasies. hindsight is 20/20 i guess. who knows, we could see bluff city become something in 50 years time.

i feel this is because of extreme stringent expectations of intellectual property laws and their dissemination into everyday discourse online. i dont really like or agree with monolithic cultural expectations like intellectual property or *shudder* advertising, but only to the extent where i can acknowledge that whether or not i agree with them is irrelevant to their all-consuming scope and the need for marxists to actively combat them. its one thing to say "x is bad" and another to clamor for urgency of fighting x, which is, if you believe what we read every day about global warming, too late, so its not important. nevertheless there are a multiplicity of settings that could be developed into genres and identities and ideologues that rarely are if only because it would be seen as "oh yeah like that other thing". people are fickle and develop dwarflike strange moods when it comes to defining what constitutes original versus hackneyed and derivative. i think its mostly dictated by star signs and the weather.

so lately if you follow me on twitter youve probably noticed im doing sort of a tweet concrete kind of thing where i post plaintext quotes from various media taken out of context. i decided to do this for a while, maybe a few weeks, because aesthetic blogs and the aesthetic style of blogging allow me to pool and channel my energies towards larger and more ambitious styles of writing. i usually get loaded on caffeine during this process and frequently watch large amounts of anime and meditate some. its definitely a process and its geared toward something hazily, vaguely spiritual but with pretentions toward being authentically publishable as theory. the idea also being i would like to make some money to support my livelihood, and i like to write, and am somewhat skilled at it, or at least experienced in kind of a ramshackle homespun sort of way. so if my social media presence is pretty boring and kind of weirdly nostalgic or else contrariwise if you feel it has improved lately thats the reason why that happened.

ive been getting very hazy and foggy mentally lately. i feel like it has to do with caffeination and lack of sleep. its important to get everything flowing properly, and sometimes depression and anxiety make that difficult to do. theres anxiety over unemployment, something im trying to remedy, and theres anxiety over theory and where to proceed next via theory. for years i was a devout buddhist in some ways, and meditated a lot, almost every day. i prayed to the bodhisattvas and copped to buddhist metaphysics, something which, based around personal life experience, i had every reason to believe was true. lately and in my own, strange way, ive begun to question this ideology and interpret it as part of a patchwork of ideologies, each one which attempts to describe a totality, a totality which is rarely if ever described properly by any ideology. grasping at straws in a structural sense, and feeling nonplussed but with no ground to run to, and im back on the boss level in super mario 64 where bowser smashes the ground to make it fall away. attempts at restructuring as this dissolution transpires only serve to create new protocols equal in scope to pre-existing paradigms. and there are plenty of people who dont struggle this much with religion and probably still go to heaven, or think theyre going to heaven, or something. hows marge and the kids. did jerry get that new promotion. mom just got back from vacation in cancun. smalltalk style concerns arising in every day transitionary speech feel distinct and very distant from these kind of hazy, pie in the sky questions. plato never wrote about the kind of stuff you see in a cheers episode. there are philosophy books that try to merge the two, but they usually get shelved in the comedy section.

so its mostly a matter of trying to absorb and contain new information, which abides in abundance, and trying to corral it into sort of a pointing arrow to direct me where to go, in my hewing, a feat not easily done. probably the endgame is in the crafting and solution of art, but what kind of art, and whether i have the tools at my disposal to even create it, is less easily answered. so for now, i guess, im absorbing, waiting, asking questions, and who knows, and who can say.

earliest memories of religion are of the greco roman religion and not knowing about the mystery religious rites but knowing about an abstract concept of wisdom and the ocean and extrapolating the existence of athena and poseidon in that way. later i have memories of exposure to christianity and buddhism and bahai but none of these things feel particularly useful to me at this time in my life. i can more readily receive a picture, a kind of enlarged image, of a broad religious landscape and some of the questions it attempts to provide answers for, or at least, a way of thinking about. the greco roman religion, for instance, is a presentation of a deleuzian multiplicity, and the monotheistic religions are a monad, but i also dont think either of these things can say the other is inherently undesireable. tolerance seems to be the best method, but also, and likewise, not dwelling specifically in any of them. acknowledging they all exist, but not being any of them. enjoying in surfeit the tension between multiplicity and monad. that there can be many things and one thing. like the album cover of dark side of the moon.

#txt #text #religion #philosophy #dead ends?#thoughts

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themoneybuff-blog · 6 years

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Questions About Crowdlending, Prayer, Christmas Trees, Chess, Beans, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Investing for childs future 2. Crowdlending investments 3. Shorter workweek thoughts? 4. Struggling to improve at work 5. Last minute holiday gifts 6. Praying for financial help? 7. Child care suggestions 8. Christmas tree suggestions 9. Learning chess for cheap 10. Keeping beans fresh 11. 401(k) help 12. I never want to retire I get two or three requests a week from a reader asking to reprint an article Ive written for some purpose. So, heres my policy on that. If you wish to reprint an article of mine for a print publication or an email newsletter, not a website, you have permission to do so provided that you attribute the article to Trent Hamm at The Simple Dollar and include the URL of the site, http://www.thesimpledollar.com/. If you are interested in a reprint on a website, ask me first. Make sure that the article was actually written by Trent first, however, by visiting that article on the website and verifying that Trent was the writer of that specific article. Some portion of articles that appear on the site were written by other writers and youll need to ask them individually for permission. On with the questions. Q1: Investing for childs future I have a young kid (6 years old) and Id like to invest a little bit for him in a set and forget fashion. I realize Im pretty lucky to be living in an expensive place (Seattle, WA) while being able to max out my 401k, my Roth IRA and my wifes IRA. We dont have any loans, pay off out credit card monthly and just have a home mortgage with low interest. I am still able to put a little bit of money regularly on a brokerage account and a 529 for my son (although I dont want to put too much for a few of reasons: I dont know if hell go to college here (expensive) or in France where Im from (cheap), I value community college highly and dont necessarily aim for him to go to ivy league schools and finally I dont believe in taking at my charge all his higher education expense. My only downfall here is that I feel a bit behind on retirement because I moved to the US AT 26 for a temp job that became permanent at 32 and only understood 401k since I was 34. Im been maxing out ever since. I definitely have the saving mentality that we find Europeans! In essence, we live on about 40% off a single about 110k/year (my wife works for a non profit and brings an income that pretty much only pays for her laptop, cell phone, car gas and child care once in a while for us to go on a date). With that in mind, what could be our next smart moves (I feel that is not often addressed for people that are able to to reach all the conventional goals we see out there but dont fit in the high income category where advance money placement and tax schemes can be beneficial). So my questions are two folds: what is the next smart move for us (just keep investing in the Vanguard Total Market Index Fund?) what can I do to invest long term for my son? I was hoping for an IRA but he is not earning income. Is the anything else? Bob First of all, a 529 might still be useful for you even if your child goes to school in France, provided that hes attending a college or university thats eligible for Title IV student aid. There are hundreds of overseas universities and colleges that are, so youll have to research the ones hes considering. If youre not strictly saving for education for your son, however, your best bet is probably what youve already stumbled on gifting your child a certain amount each year below the gift tax exclusion limit ($14,000 a year) and then investing that money in a taxable account in your childs name while again gifting your child enough to pay any taxes on dividend income. This is of course assuming that your child is not earning an income of some kind via modeling or acting or something akin to that. For us, our savings for our childrens future is strictly in the 529 plans. Once they move out and go to school, their 529 plans are our financial support for their education. We hope to have enough in each account to cover in-state tuition for a few years at a state university (like Iowa State U or University of Iowa), though they can make other choices in terms of where to go to school should they wish too. Q2: Crowdlending investments What do you think about crowdlending investments? Carly Crowdlending refers to any program in which individuals can lend money to other individuals or businesses, supplying the capital for the loan and earning a return on that money in the form of the borrowers interest paid on that loan. Typically, many people provide small amounts to make up the capital for that loan for example, someone might want to borrow $10,000 and that loan is made up of 100 people lending $100 each. A number of businesses exist to help facilitate this, such as Lending Club and Prosper. It really comes down to the riskiness of the borrower. Someone with a high rating as a borrower represents pretty little risk and youll almost always get your money back and more. A high risk loan might net you a very nice return, but you have a real risk of losing your balance. In general, I would not invest money I needed going forward in a crowdlending investment. Its a good place to put money that you dont need if youre seeking a nice short term return on it and youre willing to pay a lot of attention and take on some significant risk. Remember, if someone defaults on a crowdlending loan, that means youve probably lost most (if not all) of what youve invested. Q3: Shorter workweek thoughts? What do you think about this article that argues that people 40 and over work better if their workweek is shorter? It matches my own experience. This one? Jenna I frankly agree with it. Speaking from my own experience, I find that the vast majority of my work gets done during three days a week. I tend to have about three days each week when I can really slip into a writing zone, and my work on other days is often just busywork. I think this is honestly true of most information and creative jobs. For every day of really great mental performance, I think people of all ages need at least a day of rest to recharge fully. If you demand mental performance day after day, that performance is going to degrade fairly rapidly and eventually result in burnout. The trick for me is in properly preparing for a three day week and getting it reliably without interruption due to personal or family illness or some other interruption. Part of why I write for a living is the flexibility of it, which means I cant just sit down and lock down three specific days of writing each week. Often, I have to break it up more than that. Q4: Struggling to improve at work I currently work as a bank teller. Went in for a performance review in October and read your advice about asking what I need to do to get a raise or promotion. Boss was great and gave me a list of things to work on. Thing is Im always busy and rarely have the chance to work on a lot of those things. I feel like Im not making progress on any of those things and cant find time for them. Not sure what to do. Bailey The best thing you can do is find opportunities to work on those skills in the course of your regular tasks. Without knowing your regular casts and the things that your boss suggested that you work on, I cant offer specific advice on that. However, there are probably at least some of the elements on that list that you can work on while doing other tasks. If theres new material to learn, do your best to learn it when youre not at work. If there are topics youre supposed to know about, spend time when youre not working learning those things. You should also try to get into a routine of having regular scheduled one-on-ones with your supervisor just to talk over how things are going and build a stronger relationship. If youve not really communicated in any way with your boss in two months, you might want to strengthen that relationship a little. Just ask for a regularly scheduled meeting once every two weeks or once a month and go over the things on that list. This gives you a deadline to push toward a little more effort on those things, and it shows your boss youre consistently trying to work for the brass ring. Q5: Last minute holiday gifts So my mom got sick and asked if I could host family Christmas and I said okay. In the past we did a name drawing for gifts but she also got everyone something small and shes not doing that this year but I want to do it so I am looking for good ideas for last minute small holiday gifts under $5. Amy What kinds of things did she give out? At that price point, Id probably go for consumable items. Get people nice bars of chocolate or a bottle of craft beer or something like that. Youre not going to go fancy at $5, but you can find something the recipient would enjoy. Just make a list of everybody whos attending and try to identify one food or drink item each one of them would like. Theres your shopping list, and thats exactly what I would do in your shoes. Q6: Praying for financial help? I pray and pray for financial help and it never seems to come. We never make ends meet. I try to follow your advice and things always turn out badly. Jaime A simple suggestion: rather than praying for financial help, pray to have the strength and wisdom and focus to make the difficult choices needed to put you and your family on a better financial path. Dont pray for money to be dropped on your lap. Instead, pray that youll have the foresight and wisdom to not spend money on foolish things. Pray that youll feel lower stress and that youll be able to lower the stress of those around you. Pray for the creativity to make your meal budget stretch a little further. Most of us already have the financial answers we need already in our life. We just need someone (or something) to take the scales away from our eyes so that we can see those answers. That change often comes from within, not from money from outside sources. Money drops into our lap more often than we think it does what matters is how we use it. Q7: Child care suggestions Moved to new city and starting school in January. Have a three year old. Thought there would be child care support through school but all slots are full. Program will subsidize child care but everything within subsidy is kind of scary. Suggestions? Danielle I have helped Danielle many times over the last few years. For some background, she was engaged to be married but her soon-to-be husband ghosted her and she cant find him for child support. She moved in with her parents for a brief while, then found an apartment on her own. She applied for a bunch of scholarships to go back to school and then I hadnt heard from her in a while until this question popped up. She has been using many different programs to help give her kid a great life and working her tail off, so I do have some real sympathy for Danielles situation. Danielle, you absolutely need to check and see whether your state has some sort of child care assistance offered through their Department of Human Services. Given your situation, its very likely that youre eligible for some help through such a program, which is available in a lot of states. Another approach you might want to consider is whether or not you have a close friend or relative you trust who could move in with you and provide child care in exchange for free rent. Do you have a sibling or close friend who might be interested in such a situation that youd trust? Those are the two best options I have in mind, other than making sure youre on the waiting list for child care options through your school. This will get somewhat easier when your child reaches school age, as youll both be able to go to school! Q8: Christmas tree suggestions Is a real Christmas tree worth it? We usually only decorate for a few days before Christmas and the twelve days after taking things down on January 6. Used a tiny artificial tree for the last few years and were considering a real one this year. Arne It depends on how you define worth it. Real trees are messier and take more work (because you have to water them) and need to be disposed of after the holidays; artificial trees have none of that. Plus, real trees have to be replaced every year. From a purely financial standpoint, real trees arent worth it. However, real trees have an enormous aesthetic advantage. They smell wonderful. When properly cleaned up, they look better than artificial trees (in my opinion, assuming you dont buy one thats half dead). Is the work and the (eventual) extra cost worth it to you? For some people, it is. For some, it isnt. We had a real tree for a few years when I was growing up and while I appreciated it in my teen years, it wasnt life changing for me. As an adult, I probably would not have a large real tree unless my children were genuinely excited about the concept and brought it up frequently. Q9: Learning chess for cheap My five year old was taught chess by his cousin at Thanksgiving and now he wants to play chess all the time. I can fumble through the moves but he is finding stuff on his tablet about openings and stuff that I have no idea about. I want to get better at chess and also help him find things to help him get better at chess. What tools are cheap/free? Andy It really depends on your goals with this. If youre just wanting to get a bit better and assume that this is a fad thats going to burn out, Id just get an inexpensive chess app for his tablet and for your phone and just play lots of games. Most games have a feature where they suggest good moves and point out bad ones and over a lot of games, you can gradually learn from that. If you really want to start learning openings and stuff, theres almost nothing better you can do than visiting your local library that has a selection of chess books, picking out a few, and then going through them at home. My local library has a couple dozen chess books on the shelves and can reserve hundreds more via interlibrary loan. Take them home and then just try an opening during a game with your kid. Pick one that looks like fun, memorize the first three or four moves of it, and bust it out with your son. Tell him what the opening is and then see whether or not it looks like youre in good shape. I have an eight year old that loves to play chess constantly but really has zero interest in actually learning the game. If your son is into openings, play into that and use it as an opportunity to learn together. Q10: Keeping beans fresh You mentioned cooking beans early in the week and keeping them in the fridge all week to use for meals. How do you keep them fresh and not just turn to mush? Every time I do it they get mushy. Blair First of all, dont cook them quite all the way to completion. I try to aim for beans that are not quite all the way cooked, just done enough so that they wouldnt be annoying in the dish but clearly could use just a bit more cooking. Theyre really firm at this point but definitely edible. I drain them and let them slowly cool down to room temperature. This usually cooks them just a bit more so theyre pretty close to exactly what I want. I drain them and rinse them again so that theyre close to dry, then I put them in a sealed container in the fridge. I aim to use them within four or five days. Most of the time, I add these beans late to something else Im cooking, like a soup. If Im using them in a salad or something, I might cook them just a bit more in some simple fashion, like with a bit of water in the microwave, but Ill usually just toss the beans right into the salad. This works for all kinds of beans. My personal favorite is black beans, which Ill use for pretty much anything I can get away with. Q11: 401(k) help I just signed up for my company 401(k) and there are only a few options available and none of them match up with anything you have ever mentioned. They have names like aggressive growth and moderate and safe. Alex Likely, the options you see are ones that whoever runs your 401(k) have pre-chosen for you and given friendly names that actually make it harder to figure out what they actually include. The first retirement plan I signed up for was very similar in that regard. You can ask the HR representative that deals with the plans whether or not you can pick your own funds, but its likely that you dont have such control, so you probably just have to choose one of these options. The honest truth? In a situation like this, its really hard to pick the best option for you because you dont really know whats going on underneath the options. In your shoes, if I was more than ten years from retirement, Id choose the most aggressive option available. If I was less than ten years, Id choose a moderate option. That is, assuming I couldnt see anything more about the plans than such vague descriptors. Q12: I never want to retire I dont like reading about retirement talk because I never want to retire. I love what I do (nursing) and I want to keep doing it in whatever aspect I can for as long as I can until Im shoved out the door and straight into a retirement home (or a casket). Why should I worry about retirement? Dinah Never retiring is a marvelous idea in theory, but it often doesnt quite pan out that way. Many career paths nudge people out the door when they get to a certain age, regardless of whether those people want to keep working or not, and sometimes health conditions pop up that continue to allow a mostly full life but cut off certain career paths. Another reason to save for retirement is that it opens up the possibility of a second career or a different kind of job later on. You may end up taking on a position that uses your nursing skills in a very positive way but it doesnt pay nearly as much as your current job; a retirement savings plan can help offset that loss in income. You really should save for retirement no matter what career youre in and no matter how much you love it. Its cover all your bases money, because you simply cant predict what the future holds. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-crowdlending-prayer-christmas-trees-chess-beans-and-more/

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

Text

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

youtube

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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