#YOURE RIGHT IT DOES HAUNT ME
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My Great Grandma who loved her babies very much
Reference that I used for the face!
#I was scrolling through pinterest and saw this woman and I was like: She looks EXACTLY like how I imagine Stan and Ford's mother to look#my art#gravity falls#mabel pines#dipper pines#ig??#caryn romanoff pines#caryn pines#mabel voice: she must have been one hell of a mother to have had to deal with Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford when they were kids!#DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW SHE MIGHT HAVE DIED THINKING STANFORD AND STANLEY NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO RECONCILE#DO U EVER THINK ABOUT HOW SHE MUST HAVE BEEN PLAGUED WITH REGRETS AND WHAT-IFS OVER STAN BEING KICKED OUT- WISHING SHE COULD HAVE DONE MORE#DOES THE THOUGHT THAT STANFORD MIGHT HAVE NEVER GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO VISIT HER AT HER DEATHBED OR HER FUNERAL SINCE HE WAS STUCK ELSEWHERE??#EVER HAUNT YOU AT NIGHT???#DOES IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG ABOUT STANLEY- SINCE SHE'S THEIR MOTHER AND “WHAT KIND OF MOTHER CAN'T#RECOGNISE HER OWN CHILDREN APART“#THEY MEET AT STAN'S FUNERAL LIKE: “STANLEY I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED- NOR WHY THAT CASKET AT THE FRONT IS EMPTY RIGHT NOW AND WHY WE'RE#CURRENTLY ATTENDING YOUR FUNERAL- OR WHY YOU'RE EVEN DRESSED UP AS FORD RIGHT NOW.“#“I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON STANLEY- BUT I DO KNOW THAT ONE OF MY SONS DIDN'T DIE IN A DITCH SOMWHERE IN THE FLAMING WRECK OF A CAR CRASH-#AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.“#SHE GOT THAT MOTHER'S INSTINCT#stan twins parents
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Makima, devils and self-fulfillment
Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?
The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:
"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)
So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time
She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"
~
The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.
Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.
And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans�� need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.
This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.
She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.
And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.
In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.
Devils and agency
Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.
Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~
But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?
And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.
We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.
Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.
Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.
Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.
#Fumi rambles#Chainsaw man#makima#analysis#meta#The goal is moreso me dropping thoughts than being flawless on every aspect of the lore so if and when i get things wrong b merciful….#Maybe her liking of control is why she remembers the ww2 authoritarian fascists. I don’t want to say the word jic for tumblr search#Pity is never a factor When mercy is a sign of a talentless actor#And as you grow its hold on your throat starts to falter And once you go beyond pure humanity's border#You will come back like a dooooog 😭#This’d be a different topic but. I don’t think makima likes denji as much as one of her dogs. If so i’d say it was in the moments where#she brought him to movies but even then….. i think she has more fondness for her dogs bc w denji it was indifference and derision#I love you please humiliate me / strip my dignity and laugh my honey#God. God i’m fine. I’m so okay about csm#Makima has a cryptic but strong sense of morals?? That doesn’t align with ours obvi but#‘Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life do they?’ What do you meannn what do you meannnnn#What is this contempt for denji. Does she see herself as moral or part of those that are city mice bc they’re undeserving of a calm life???#Maybe famine only feels fed on humans and their blood 🤔 or their fear. man idk idk idk idk but i wanna see more of her quirks#And before someone says ‘but every demon likes to drink blood’ power is especially fixated on it tho cmannnn#Did Angel lie when he said he liked seeing humans die?? Did his haunting thing become worse after meeting Aki?? Did he suppress it#because he feels like he doesn’t belong as a devil??? bc he’s suppressing his memories of the villagers he cared about??#Has he just been trying so hard not to care for so long. Passive bc he thought that’s all he could or should be#AGHHHHH#Spoilers#There’s a lot more i’d have liked to touch on like the popular theory that Makima was *raised* by the government#and i’ve seen a take that the ‘my friend at a farm’ thing is all euphemism from makima about her troublesome human killing job ykyk#but i think the phrasing is too literal and natural for that. The snow and soil talk everything. It’s a perfect allegory but it can be both
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the day the earth stood still is the day i felt your presence leave it, and then every day after that.
#tw grief#sigh sigh sigh.#apologies in advance as this is not the happiest yap ! i would just like to write out some of my feelings on this day#the heaviest heart weighs under an insurmountable amount of grief — the ghost of love#days like today are a twisted reminder that has every emotion flooding through your soul#longing . guilt . anger . an indescribable melancholy that could only be consoled through the sands of time#a year ago i lost my best guy friend and it’s never really gotten easier . but ive heard it never does#all i can do is bundle up the love i have for him and search for him in the clouds that take up the sky#the circumstances around his passing will never not haunt me and rather than go into it all i’d like to say is this#if you have a loved one or a relationship or a friendship you cherish .. then never ever stop fighting for it - for them.#as time never really seems to be on our side#each day i’ll live as he intended . to greet the world with kindness and a smile and passion for positivity#in his wisest words (or rather after every phone call we’d have hehe) i’ll try my best to stay awesome & encourage you all to do so as well#if you’ve read this then i’m taking your hand and thanking you#it didn’t feel right not acknowledging him at all on this blog . he’s the one that introduced me to anime + more importantly : one piece#i wish i could talk to him about it all so he could see how far down this rabbit hole i fell just as he had done#will be spending the day enjoying his favorite episodes and being gentle with the world that surrounds us#this is not like my usual yaps & i feel vulnerable posting it but i wanted to carve out a space for him on this blog#forever missing the connie to my sasha . maybe in another universe we’ll get it right#have a wonderful sunday my sweet friendz and if you can — hug your loved ones & blow a kiss up to the sky 🤍💫#thank you for being here & helping me make this a safe place .#₊˚⊹ ᰔ xoxo aims
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that post that goes “sorry my love language is acts of service and i’m only good at killing people/things” or whatever is so jason todd it hurts
#jason todd#red hood#EUGH this hit me right in the face as i was trying to fall asleep#vivi’s personal tag#when you want so badly to be unseen and all anyone does is look at you like you’re deranged#all you get anymore is pity or fear like youre nothing more than a rabid dog#all anyone ever wants is you the way you used to be but they’re dead and they’re never coming back#you died and they died with you but they’re all anyone ever sees when they look at you#a ghost haunting your own narrative when you’re still right fucking there#okay okay sorry i’m done#goodnight
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It feels like getting pulled underwater—the sharp sideways tug, the slight drag of resistance, then falling, falling, till the waves close over his head. But Logan can breathe when he rights himself again, even if the light has a watery filter to it and the voices have a distant echo. // Sometimes Logan gets a glimpse of guys who've been long gone from the teal, clustered at the far end of the bench or sitting in the box across the ice. He heard Jason's voice in the hallway loud and clear, that infectious laugh. And he could have sworn he saw Raffi fucking Torres getting out of a car in the players' lot. Something tells him not to look up the rosters.
Commissioned @impmakesart to make a painting based on the Sharks' Cali Fin hype reel + the flip side by frausorge. Imp was amazing to work with and I could not be more emotional about this piece and so, so pleased with how it turned out!! 🙇🏻♂️🙇🏻♂️ Commission him here. Thank you Imp!
#as i am sure has been very obvious i have been incredibly unwell this year for a variety of reasons#and i read that fic right after my uncle died suddenly and unexpectedly so i was thinking a lot about hospice while i was reading it#and i was going to about 8 million sharkuda games per week to just not be at home bc everything has fallen apart there#(also for a variety of reasons. but there is a lot of intense grief over my stepsister's death involved)#so today having signed a lease on an apartment on the entire other side of the country to be closer to career stuff and#get a fresh start and a hopefully happier and more stable life (even if a huge move and a career change makes me nervous)#while also the first thing said to me is that another family member had passed this morning (expectedly) and a relative#who became very sick recently (unexpectedly) and who due to advanced age does not have a great prognosis#it became a uniquely precious gift to have this completed and sent to me by imp this afternoon.#the fic + the ensuing games of seeing that reel hit a very tender part of me that has dealt with death and instability my entire life#and it is amazing to see an image of logan's similar loss and instability so perfectly realized!!#his troubled face!! the way it feels both underwater and in another world!! the lights all around that could be anything!!#looking up at the indistinct faces of his teammates who could be so so many people at this point but who he misses nonetheless!!#also PLEASE zoom in on the mist - the texturing and color gradients are SO cool. and the reflection on his helmet is so sick#the color scheme in this is freaking amazing and i just love it all so much man!!!#anyway i don't have a concluding thought. i was going to make this into a puzzle (i'm back on my bullshit)#but i will probably get it printed and framed too#if any of u come visit me know. know that your chances of seeing haunted logan couture are non-zero#and he could be ANYWHERE#art#san jose sharks#logan couture
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Willow🥺 are we taken because of connection to dynamite or just wrong place wrong time??
I hope it's the former, because if it's explicitly because of him, I don't know if his heart can handle it 🥺🥺
i do think.........that we were targeted 🥺🥺🥺 i was trying to allude to it a lil, when talking about his frustrating patrol 🥺 they chased a guy all the way across the city and still never found his partner—bc his partner was busy snatching us up from the station !!!!!
i think he definitely feels guilty in a way, bc they're taking you to get to him, but also—he lives in a world and works in an occupation where people are hurt and killed every day from villains and criminals, sometimes just bc they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. so while i think it does eat him up that this hurt is meant for him and they're taking it out on you—honestly i think it just really pisses him off LOL
he's kinda like. oh you think so huh you stupid fuck ??? 💀💀💀💀 you think you're gonna get away with this do you ??? you want to go there with me ??? 💀💀💀 like he's sooooooo. would probably beat this guy's face in LOL like he's PISSED. you want a reaction from him YOU'RE GONNA GET ONE GOD DAMN IT.
#like do not get me wrong this is going to haunt him for the rest of his life#the feeling of knowing he might lose you/might have already bc of your relationship with him#but i do think that he's level-headed enough to know like. this is the work of an evil person#he's just so fucking mad like you're gonna take it out of my fucking partner dude ??? 🤨🤨🤨 grow some balls and face me yourself#LOL#i mean he does go through a whole staring at the wall disassociation moment bc they took you bc of him#but honestly i dont think that would hit until he got you back#he's too worked up right now lol#✿ ask willow#✿ thoughts: bakugou#✿ theme: y/n napped
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the fact that david tennant married the woman who played his daughter on the TV still haunts me occasionally (this is nothing against georgia, we love georgia) but the thing that makes me sit up at night in a cold sweat is the fact that his FATHER IN LAW is the fifth doctor. imagine your fucking father-in-law is Doctor Who. anyways.
#the real-life doctor who crossover universe and its psychological ramifications on me#so you're david tennant right?#and you show up to work and you're excited because you've got this AMAZING script#the fifth doctor's daughter--the main character of the TV show you grew up loving and watching--turns out to have become an actress herself#and now you're about to shoot this groundbreaking exciting episode of that same TV show--of which you are now the lead and star!#so you do your work#give the performance of a lifetime#and try not to be flustered over the fact that you're lowkey OBSESSED with your#coworkers dad#your daughter (fake) on the tv show (fake) dies in your arms and you give her a soft kiss on the forehead (fake) to bid her farewell#and while you're pretending to be an eccentric immortal haunted by the ghosts of the past#recalling your dead children and grandchildren for the first time#sending your newly-born daughter off into death#you're like...wait...she's lowkey kinda...#AND THEN YOU GET MARRIED#to a woman who played your daughter#and HER REAL LIFE FATHER is your IDOL and also...you?#how does one begin to cope with any of that
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script of 3x09 All The Bells Say // 4x04 Honeymoon States
#sorryyy but. these cut lines from all the bells say are haunting me right now..#like. sometimes shiv’s brother is her father.#sometimes her husband is her father.#there is always an angry man in your house!#‘it just does things to me when you start using that voice’….. they are NOT escaping that haunted house. actually.#shiv roy#kendall roy#succession#ruby (unfortunately) watches succession
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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Aesthetically, we're going in order. Guizhong was the first within the HYV fandom, and Kafka was the second. I am also desperate to get that woman's voice to settle, which it still hasn't, so this'll kick me in gear for that. I think I also owe the most from her. So let's start the Kafka era, especially as the update will draw me back into HSR for a short bit.
And in honor of her, I need Abel Korzeniowski to stop giving me perfect instrumentals for her.
#ooc. [ don't try to make it logical or edit your soul according to the fashion. rather; follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. ]#god; 1.35 comes about and it has the right feeling of religious imagery that suits almost perfectly to what i think the endgame might be.#and i go a little bit mad.#i also want to take a moment to note just how intensely in love i am with my ooc for my muses and myself. the one thing we...#have in common. with little else (just the way i like it).#and though it fits each of them desperately-- i will think of kafka first and foremost always. simply because it's franz kafka.#but also because it's so immensely close to one of blade's lines about her that will haunt me in my dreams until the day i perish.#“she must have sought something extraordinary. everything she does comes at a great cost.” it's fine really.
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why does it feel like wherever i go my agab follows me like some grim spectre of dysphoria
im not a woman. the only one who gets to talk about my "female" fucking socialization is me. if i run into one more person going "well you're different because you were raised female so it's like you got the best of both worlds now :)" im going to fucking lose it.
im not a woman. im not a woman. im not a woman. i feel like that one android in the animatrix screaming that she's real.
im. fucking. real.
#this is mainly about my mother in case anyone reading this is worried#my past self haunts the narrative in the shittiest way possible#this is also why i stopped using they/them because it feels like everyone will jump through hoops to avoid referring to me as a man#in an ideal world i'd proudly put they/them on all my profiles#but#it feels like the moment you give people an in to deny you your masculinity they'll go MILES with it#like. no. im nonbinary but that does not give you the right to deny me my hard earned masculinity#vent#transphobia
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nigel & alex - to be haunted by your love
henri nouwen // like minds (2006) // death - melanie martinez // pope alexander - crywank // her mother's kiss - eugene carriere // sometimes i fall asleep thinking about you - catarine hancock // the song of achilles - madeline miller // achilles lamenting the death of patroclus - gavin hamilton // lee martens
#am i happy with this? no. am i posting anyway? you bet your ass i am#another largely experimental post so take it with a grain of salt#honestly i could've just posted the achilles comparison part on its own and liked it better#cause that's really the part i wanted to get to#BUT the song lyrics are so load-bearing to this post. they started the whole thing. so it didn't feel right kicking them to the curb#so you get the whole shamozle lmao#anyway this post is more or less a take on the idea of when people say no one ever truly dies so long as your memory of them lives on#so long as you always carry your love for them in your heart#and how it's always meant to be a good thing you know? a positive thing#but what happens when it's not. what happens when their memory is a weight you drag forward? when that love is a haunting#when an absence becomes a presence in of itself#and you wish you could be rid of it. but you can't. and now they're in everything you do. they're everywhere you go#a permeation over every aspect of your life? how are you supposed to handle that kind of feeling#in the end this was more or less me scratching an itch wondering what life for alex was like after nigel was gone#and how fundamentally nigel does end up gaining immortality by living on in alex's memory#and arguably by becoming a part of him too#maybe my brain just hasn't fully recovered yet from being sick 🤡#like minds#murderous intent#nigel colbie#alex forbes#web weave#quotes
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………i have no idea whats happening w u and @/anonbinaryweirdo and atp im too afraid to ask 😰
....you see theres this silly little fic they wrote about a silly little reader and a silly little childe in which reader C O N S U M E S childe. like they take the man and shove them into their mouth nom nom and then swallow em and hes just. residing. in their stomach.
i am so sorry
but it had to be said. the reason of my rage should be known to the world. of course im not so foolish and stupid to put the link here. that would only rupture the eyes of the innocent
however if you truly do wish to read... that... itll be found where it should be seeked.
#★ ˎˊ˗ melonrambles!#★ ˎˊ˗ inbox.#oli was certainly not in a peak mental state after writing that#i dont know how anyone could put those words on a paper call it a day and then get a good nights rest afterwards#NO.#those words would HAUNT YOU#haunt your rest and lock up your soul so that all you can think about is what horrible of a sin you have commited.#BUT I MEAN WHO AM I TO SAY#i wasnt the one who wrote that horror!!#as silly inducing it was that does not make up for the trauma it inflicted#oli's moots are all just washing their eyes with bleach.#unless.#theyre freaky like that.#imean... you go?#good for you. me personally. i just. dont llike. consuming people. like eating them. so they travel through my body#down through my esophagus and ... caress my heart on the way down#wai wai how the fuck does that even work?? he goes down and then like grazes your heart. what. but hes travelling#down to your stomach. so how would he be able to...#“it felt... so... so right.”#IM SORRY BUT THATS THE LINE THAT STARTED THE TEARS#THAT WAS THE MOMENT I REALIZED THAT I WAS BROKEN#FOREVER BROKEN BECAUSE OF THIS FIC FR GUYS#I BITE MY TONGUE ITS A BAD HABBIITTT 🥀🥀
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#🎤 mic check#talking about outlast made me think of this debate again#i don't think there's a right answer but if you wanted to rb and tag your reasoning#go for it#this is something that's interesting to me#bc personally i hear a lot of people explain that 'ohhh hiding in lockers is never scary you know it's gonna work'#'you need the uncertainty of having to defend yourself'#and that makes sense to me! but no matter what#hide-and-seek horror really freaks me out#like the anticipation of running and hiding gets to me so easily#maybe it's more immersive?#and btw#i think haunting ground does it best#the outlasts get a little bit less scary for me on repeat playthroughs bc they're so scripted#but HG is all the way all the time
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Hey you! Fandom writer! Just wanted to make sure that when you masturbatorily victimize your favourite character you don't do it at the expense of the rest of the cast's characterization! Because thats a fucking annoying thing to do and it just shows everyone that you wouldn't recognize nuance if i hit you over the head with it!!
#like dont get me wrong im a huge fan of masturbatoringly victimizing my favourite characters!! but some of yall just cant do it right.#forever haunted by the way the house md fandom treated cuddy and houses relationship#also i read a very annoying mp100 fic yesterday...#it was a typical teru gets kidnaped by claw and later becomes a scar fic and then#he just fucking kills all the other scars on his way out indiscriminately for being ''bad'' people#and then a few sentences later he has breakdowns over being a '''bad''' person#who did horrible things for claw and just. bestie.#why did he have to kill all the other characters who went through the exact same thing as him. what makes him better than them.#why does he deserve to live and everyone else doesn't.#tearing my hair out even thinking about it like wow okay we get it. teru is your favourite ok. good for you.#guess that makes everyone elses lives worthless.#another example of this that comes to mind is a tua fic i had stumbled upon that was like#five forces klaus to lock himself in the mausoleum for no reason. just because he is cruel or as a bet or whtvrr and klaus has a breakdown#because obviously five doesnt know anything about ptsd. obviously.#anyway hate over.#Al's ramblings#also hunter is there because he is literally me attacking you with my opinions unprompted
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they can't keep Doing this to Me
#{ ooc } ✗ 「 wenp reporter 」#opla spoilers#[ but also “maybe the old chef was right” like looks left looks right they really didnt have to--- /lh /lh#[ but finally finished thumbs up#[ and feeling So god damn normal ab luffy and garp fighting#[ me @ garp fr so how does it feel to be constantly haunted by your dead nemesis whom you couldn't help but adore#[ they really are spelling out so much ab garp though like#[ <- once again incredibly vindicated that their takes are supported#[ i dont know the best way to icon a n.etflix series so i dont know if i Will do that but.#[ i do think scottish garp will be real on this blog at some point bc head in hands feeeling so normal fr
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