#YOU GOT TO GET UP EVERY MORNING
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my favorite version of jeremy is where he's working a security shift at a shitty pizzeria that is also randomly haunted nonstop by the supernaturals.
his coworker is living a psychological horror genre where everything is out to kill them or their loved ones
jeremy's living a nice life of retirement by working the nightshift at a shitty pizzeria :D
at least until fritz kills him with a metal pipe because he ignored their calls for backup (mothman broke into the dumpster) (very bad)
#jeremy fritzgerald#jeremy#my art#oauguhghghh. my boyyyyyy#this is the last jeremy posting for tonight so sorry to inflict you all with my insanity#jeremy's technically a homeless blorbo bcs hes mostly just.#shoved into every fandom space i get into#mans got no home story#smsmh.#by the time this posts ill have already been asleep tho bcs#as brave as i am to post jeremy on main#i am NOT brave enough to be awake while posting about him#i will be ASLEEP#this will be QUEUED#and when i wake up in the morning the notes for my fop au will drown the 2-3 likes on here and i will have avoided the internal cringe!!!#just as planned!!!#cubbi art
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I need to point something out about the Krew’s conversation with Torbek in episode 19.
Kremy—a man who likes to keep up appearances and appear larger than life, who relies on his silver tongue to spin his words into lies and half-truths—let himself appear as vulnerable to Torbek as Torbek was after the fight.
Because Kremy took off his coat and his tie (Richie made a point to both say that and make the motions as he was describing what Kremy was doing), before getting on Torbek’s level and seeing if there was anything on Torbek’s person that could explain what just happened, before noticing everything else that was off.
Kremy taking off his coat and tie is actually kinda significant, considering that shortly after, he (eventually) agrees to tell Torbek the truth about what happened, and even willingly spoke up to fill in what Gricko was missing in his explanation. Kremy was, metaphorically, letting his walls down and letting Torbek see him in a way that I imagine even Frost and Gricko rarely see (maybe outside of sleeping or bathing).
I mean, of course, Kremy immediately puts his walls back up the following day, and then acts like he is somehow above Torbek for the remainder of the season (which I hope he cuts it out early S2), but…it’s a step. It’s a step in the right direction for Kremy’s arc, and I can’t believe I didn’t even take too much of a notice in this—or anything the gator did—until I started rewatching the series and genuinely started looking into Kremy’s character more.
And of course Kremy’s whole interaction with Torbek this episode isn’t the only significant one, and i promise I’m not ignoring the others (in fact, I’m actually quite interested in the way Frost handled the combat, as well as the way he separated himself from Torbek afterwards, and it will be making me pay extra close attention to Frost for the next few episodes), I just…don’t hear a lot about Kremy in particular this episode.
#I think I got so swept up in the chaos of the campaign#and got so blindsided by torbek and his story#that I kinda completely ignored the other party members until they got to thither#which I think is why I completely missed their respective character arcs until the last 5 or so episodes#not just Kremy and Gideon#but frost and Gricko too#and I’m suddenly understanding why my English teachers would recommend us reading a passage multiple times#the first time to get familiar with the story#the second time to pick up things you miss#and then every subsequent time to pick up and analyze every little detail#telling you a completely seperate story#and I think i will eventually go in depth about each character arc#highlighting major points and all that#but I want to wait until the end of the campaign for that#whenever season 2 shall pick up (hopefully before 2024 is out)#legends of avantris#once upon a witchlight#ouaw#kremy lecroux#torbek#also yes the way frost handled the combat has got my frostbek addled mind reeling#but that’s an analysis for another day#and maybe when it’s not 2:30 in the morning when I have to be up in a handful of hours
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every day im reminded that though my parents may have wanted a dog they clearly did not want to take care of a dog
#and i KNEW this which was why i insisted on not getting dogs though they keep trying to gaslight me#into thinking that i agreed on the dogs. i didnt and i wish id railed against it harder#because ill be honest i knew i didnt want to take care of a dog i wasnt in the headspace#but i also knew that if they got the dog that the actual caring duties would be foisted off to me#and the things that They would have to do ie go to the vet nd pay the bills etc theyd complain about and avoid#and thats one thjng. but oh my fucking god. my dad specifically#its like hes trying to get these dogs to die. we have several plants in the backyard#bad for dogs. i point them out. i have pointed them out Several times.#theyre his plants the gardens his thats none of my things. he just goes oh they wont get into them#THEYRE DOGS. but he doesnt want to move his fucking plants#one of the dogs is on medicine but has a habit of not eating his food in the morning#which means if u leave his medicine in hjs bowl the other dog might eat it#one solution is to give him the tablet straight. because hes good about eating it#he doesnt want to because 'thats gross'. Are you five fucking years old#the dog doesnt like the texture of dry food so another solution is to wet it#dad wont do that either because 'hes too spoiled' and 'it takes time' ONE MINUTE?????????#like i have to assume this is some kind of ploy to make me do it instead when i dont wake up that early#because if its not then hes truly just incompetent or doesnt care about the dogs#which brings me back to WHY DID YOU GET THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.#im sick of having to worry about them when he just does shit like this its wasting my time and its wasting money#but ohhhh we dont want to give the dogs away theyre part of the family 🥺#CLEARLY. because apparently u wanted kids but didnt want to take care of them either!!#im pissed off!!! im tired!!!!!!!!#i need to know im not going batshit here for being pissed off!!!!!#the dogs are getting back to back problems and at least some of it would have been mitigated by oh.#i dont know. the bare minimum?????#at least if the plants had been taken care of i wouldnt have to wonder if theyd just gotten into them#or if its an actual problem like a mass or bite. but no now i dont know#and at this rate were going to waste money going to the vet every fucking week
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#I forget that as an adult who lives on my own there are small ways I can live now#I can stay up late#and I can have a lemonade with dinner on a night out#I can get popcorn at the movies#I can lay down and do nothing and not have to get up and clean when I hear someone walking down the hall#I can do all these things#but every morning I pull on my jeans with a slightly there but almost not but I’m aware of it hole in the thigh#and I forget that I can buy a new pair#because this one’s fine you can’t even see the hole#it’s got some more wears in it#as much as I’ve grown up and have much to wear#the young girl who wears shoes with a hole in the sole is still there#and she says these are fine I just don’t wear them when it rains#and she laughs with a sound that’s kind of sad#old habits die hard I guess
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this week is making me wish I could spontaneously human combust with no lasting consequences
#I have been spending every waking non-working hour working at church#getting almost nothing done because everything I do is dependent on electricians and construction guys#and I've only washed my hair 3 times since getting it dyed and already having to wash it in cold water is making me want to die#I'm sorry ik we aren't supposed to talk in suicidal hyperbole I do not actually want to die#but all of this is enough that I don't know how else to describe how frustrated I am#I just don't want to be here. I want to be freaking DONE just let me have a freaking moment's peace#and a customer today kept coming back in accusing my coworkers of fraud and theft (all of it was on camera and none of what he was#accusing all of them of was even plausible but ''my package tracking isn't working so you must have stolen the package''#reader. he had the wrong fucking tracking number#he was AT THE POLICE STATION to file a report against us when my boss finally got ahold of him to tell him he had the wrong tracking info#and it was mad busy at work#my dad has told me I'll probably have to stay at church until like 2 or 3am tomorrow to get everything set up#and then I need to be there by like 6am to set up on Sunday morning#at this point I don't think I'm going to make it out alive. how do you survive on that little sleep and NO alone time whatsoever?#the fact that I don't get any alone time is what's truly killing me like. even my MOM who likes to be busy all the time#gets to have alone time. but not me. not this week#and my hair is just the last straw. I HATE having to kneel over the tub to wash it in the faucet with cold water#it's such a fucking hassle#weeks that make me certain I can't ever get my hair dyed again
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Phonecalls make me want to start gnawing on human bones
#got a letter through dated TWO WEEKS ago saying the disabilites money people needed me to confirm some details#and hadnt been able to contact me by phone which. i mean ive had zero phonecalls so okay#call them up this morning and get through within like 5 mins! yay! oh sorry our systems are down#we cant do literally anything can you call back later#well i am calling back later and have been on hold for half an hour with zero human interaction#GOOD THING I DONT HAVE WORK TODAY HUH.#what do you people WANT from me every time its like oh yeah well only contact you if theres an issue#then months of silence and then HEY theres an issue. no we will not tell you what it is#and no feedback on wether or not i even qualify for anything!#clinging on to the hope ill get something and the backdated payout should be pretty decent#please god scottish government we just want money to eat bc our brains make meal prep an ungodly trial
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my manager lowkey plays favorites but it's okay because i'm one of them 😊
#we do this stupid thing where you get a star on this card for outstanding work or whatever and every 5 stars you get entered into a drawing#for a giftcard#and he was giving out stars today and everybody got one and i was last and he was like actually you get two :)#he almost always gives me two :)#he also told a customer the other day that i was one of the best workers up there#approval!! from my boss!!! validation!!#it evens out though bc the manager whos there in the mornings hatesssss me soo bad it's crazy#rambles
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here you guys can have this one
#awa#i love you chat i love you blood god#just a matress on the ground JHFJGH. pig behavior <3#he got tired of getting up and falling out of bed every single morning#cant fall if you're already on the ground 👍#this is real and true lore please take notes
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this is a baseless complaint derived entirely from ego, but there is nothing worse than someone telling you to ‘go do research’ for your special interest/hyperfixation. you don’t know me but how dare you, who do you think i am, etc.
#danbles#autisms#adhdposting#not a fan of the term mansplain. but.#i Am getting deja vu#‘make sure you look it up before you make that headcanon’ don’t speak to me like that#abt the thing i’ve devoted months of my life rotating from every possible angle?#YOU’RE gonna give me PERMISSION? to interpret MY media?#this is the pettiest thing to complain abt but it’s happened 3 times in the past couple weeks#whatever. whatever.#i got 4-5 hrs of sleep last night that’s my excuse for seething first thing in the morning
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what is going on w my brain
#huge tag rant coming but dw about it#basically. if anyone here has known me on the internet for long enough yous will have gathered that i badly struggle w motivation and#fulfilling goals that i set for myself even if it's for smth i enjoy eg languages#it happens so often but especially over summer where my brain just goes Nope#“i have all this free time to do the thing I've been planning for weeks and i've been so excited about planning but now we have the time i#will be numb and sad and scroll“#i also have huge problems focusing unless every factor is perfectly balanced and even then it's still 50/50#i do have a bad attention span from being chronically online but even if you put me in a blank room w my task i'd be distracted by thoughts#external deadlines are some of the only things that can kick me into gear and i've been fine at uni so far#but i'm scared i'll have another a levels situation where my mental health was so awful i missed every essay deadline for french for 2 years#sometimes by up to a month#the only reason i got away w it is because i had a breakdown in front of my teacher and he was like “yeah take care of yourself the essays#are not that deep just get them in first thing after half term ig“#like that was v kind of him but if i ever have a situation that bad again i will genuinely fail uni cus you can't get away w that#where was i going w this (<- is aware of the irony)#right yeah this week i've experienced the epic highs and lows#highs of really enjoying my downtime and putting active effort into my hobbies instead of my downtime being “scrolling but i don't hate it”#but lows of realising how much time i 'wasted' in my teen years feeling sad and scrolling when i could have been developing skills and#having fun#and yeah i'm having a high rn and genuinely enjoying life but it's making me realise that my default state of being is just 😐#like even when i'm at uni where my mental health is so much better than at home when it's just me home alone or in my room i'm just 😐#not really having fun just existing v passively mindlessly scrolling waiting for the day to be over so i can see my friends in the morning#like not every day has to be amazing but surely there's more to life than just 😐 in 99% of your downtime#like i've struggled for years on how to answer “what do you do in your free time” cus i had to search for answers#i read and go on walks. which is true. but they were always things i did as phone breaks during weekends and not something i actively did#because i liked them#and because of past mental health issues reading and sports based hobbies have become tainted for me#i'm working on it but yeah#huge tldr. i'm finally starting to accept that i probably have a combo of undiagnosed mental illness and neurodivergence#because if it's taken me this long to realise how much it truly impacts my enjoyment of life then surely that's smth
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PERIOD
#bridgerton#yes every Bridgerton lost their father and Violet lost her husband#but all of them expect for Anthony had been able to morn#while Anthony had to snap into the role of Viscount#imagine at 17 having to choose to save your mother or your unborn sister#man has severe PTSD not only from watching his father die but from that as well#I imagine that he will be extremely overprotective of Kate when she’s pregnant#of course Kate will know why Anthony told her why#also his mommy issues#how Violet had resented him for years#you can see it in s1 how she talks to him#it’s better in s2 but they still never got that closure until Kate’s accident#I love this man so much#every Bridgerton has had it easy (FIGHT ME) because of Anthony and I hate that they don’t see it#yes he’s cold towards his siblings WELL GEE I WONDER WHY#I hate their attitudes towards them EXCEPT for when Anthony paid for Ben to get into school that my dude was fucked up#you could have recommended him without the money and that would have been great
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its official !!!
#camera talks#we got the certificate late last night and my mom showed it to me this morning#im totally crying#im so happy#im so proud#god im struggling to put words together honestly this is crazy#i know ive been posting about it a lot sorry but its such a dream ?#if i could go back into time and tell my past self we were going to get to change our name i think he'd cry too#we didnt think we'd get to until we were eighteen at least tbh#i keep tearing up every time i look at the certificate lmao dear lord#this is too much to be happy about at 8:40 in the morning but <33#and i still have to go to work today gah </3#also thank you to everyones super kind words last time i posted about it. yall are so cool and sweet mwah <3#anywayss#we're gonna get a cake lol
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Back on my meds, making a damn decent paycheck despite how many days I had to take off this month, my mom’s feeling better now that she’s home and we’ve figured everything out, our neighbor’s gonna build us a wheelchair ramp for cheap, and my dad miiiiiiiiight be buying a new car as we speak 🤞 (my mom just can’t get into the truck anymore, and she hasn’t wanted to drive her two seater for a while now, so we’re trading it for something practical). Things are finally going fairly well, all things considered ❤️
#she speaks#after the absolute hell we’ve been in all October I think we deserve a fucking break#hopefully this post doesn’t jinx the car lol#we’re keeping the truck obv cuz like we got livestock#but the lil beamer has got to go unfortunately#sad it’s a fun lil car#but it hasn’t been getting the love it deserves and it’s time for something more suited to our needs as a family#kinda exciting really I hope we get it#we all fucking hate spending money so both my parents have been waffling on it for a couple of days#but like I told them mama you got a doctor’s appointment next week for your g tube#and then a hospital follow up with our pcp the week after that#and you’re gonna have to see a gi and a nutritionist pretty regularly#and there’s gonna be more surgeon follow ups I’m sure#and eventually we’re gonna need to take you to outpatient pt cuz we can’t have a home health pt forever#cuz insurance only pays for it for like six weeks#so either we’re gonna have to rent a car every time you go to the doctor#or we gotta buy one#and like this isnt going away you’ll have to go to the doctor often#cuz you’re missing like half of your small intestine#so getting a rental all the time is gonna suck#it would be better to have a car you can get in and out of easily just on hand#not to mention eventually you’re gonna wanna get out of this house just for the hell of it#and it’s not like we can wake up one morning and decide hey let’s go on a day trip#and then waste two hours driving back and forth from the nearest enterprise#which is on an extremely busy two lane highway and is FUCKING terrifying to get to lmfao#so with any luck my dad will keep that in mind and not back out at the dealership lol
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i need a new strategy for like, cleaning my room and doing yoga and reading and leaving the house. the adhd has reached mythic levels of bad. i have the thought, "i should do X," and then i won't move. i make a to-do list and i won't do anything on it. i queue up a yoga practice and i won't do it. i stare at my room and get stressed out about how cluttered it is. i write 3000 words of notes for a fic i don't even know if i'm going to write. i think and i think and i think about my OCs and they won't let me write them. i spend hours looking at stuff i can't buy. i take like an hour to write this.
#rum.txt#i have to do something about my phone...........#i might be able to uninstall tumblr#i can't uninstall twitter because the stupid fucking thing turns off notifications when you do#so i wouldn't be able to catch up on the accs i have notifs on for#(a very small list of forcebook- and kaibaek-related accs)#i can't uninstall instagram because of forcebook again lol#i also use it for recipes sigh#but i might start just... leaving it in my room when i get up and see how that goes#i'd also have to try to not look at my phone first thing in the morning#i also have to start actually getting up in the morning#i think that's the main thing#ok maybe when i take my medication in the evening i start getting ready for bed#it'll take long enough that it'll probably still be late but reasonable late#and not like. almost 3 am like now#one of the problems with my room right now is that i have a lot of STUFF#and i'm afraid of getting rid of the STUFF#because the last time i got rid of a bunch of STUFF#(mostly clothes)#i totally regretted most of it and i'm still like ah shit i don't have that anymore? :(#but also i have a big bed that i just want OUT of there#and a huge wardrobe that unfortunately holds a lot of the STUFF#so i don't know where all the STUFF would go#and every job i apply to sucks#and every job i actually want is TERRIFYING in both its unattainability and the miniscule possibility of its improbable successful executio#so i'm like stressed out about a thing that hasn't happened to make something that hasn't happened that i'm also stressed out about#every possible scenario whether i want it or not feels like it could lead to a meltdown because everything is so god damn hard right now#AND I FEEL SO!!!!!! SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and the worst part is that i know all this is because my stupid fucking period is coming up#but just because my hormones are making me feel overwhelmed and melodramatic about everything doesn't make anything i've said untrue
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every time i think a bit more about cobs and 3gs i can feel myself losing it a little bit more
#RAMBLE TIME. DEVIL EMOJI. ITS ALMOST IN THE FIVE IN THE MORNING.#ive been thinking so much about how cobs n 3gs' relationship might've been#i think that all the mephone models had a slightly different dynamic with cobs . he kept different methods of teaching if you will#imagined cobs took a more authoritarian approach with 3gs . 3gs saw him as a leader whom to take commands from#obviously this reflected onto him and I guess at some point cobs deemed him fit enough to go on missions in space#3gs would be so proud to lead a team of his own . especially an investigation that was so clearly important to cobs#and then theres the total failure. he came home with nothing and (presumably) everyone dead#(ok im under the very stupid and unplausible belief that 3gs DID get the other egg. and thats where cobs got the technology to make melife#teleportation and portal creation to work on his creations BUT I DONT WANNA GET INTO IT THATS A WHOLE OTHER CAN OF WORMS)#3gs ends up abandoned in a storage closet . whatever defects and errors that 3gs developed after the shimmer incident must've left him +#useless to cobs . whom didn't even bother properly powering him down at least. ok man.#after 4 i assume the cycle rinses and repeats itself with every single model coming after#im sso sleepy#holy SHIT that was a lot. sorry#i love making shit up about minor characters man#sorry#bonks thinkpan#inanimate insanity#I guess
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