#YES. I AM DOING PHYSIO. NOW DIAGNOSE ME.

[plushri]

literally giving up with this doctor just going to wait until I move next year =/ she needs to get her hearing checked out fr

[otakusheep15]

Hi there! I recently got diagnosed with discoid meniscus and I have an MRI and a surgery soon (as well as physio)

This hurts a lot and walking up stairs or a 10 minute walk is dreadful for me

Could you do it with the obey me bros pls? I don't see a lot about my condition much or at all, so it would be nice if u could bring some light to it :33

I actually have a pretty similar condition to you Anon! I've had about three surgeries to reconstruct my knees, so now I have a bunch of metal in them. I completely get the pain, and I'd be more than happy to write about it!

I am gonna try and keep this a bit more generic, but the reader/MC will have a major leg injury. Talks of surgery and injury will be included, but the reader/MC has not yet had any surgeries, just considering it.

Lucifer

Unlike most of his brothers, Lucifer is more practical about your injury. He's the only one who knew about it before the exchange program started, so he took the necessary precautions before you even showed up.

His biggest contribution is that he modified the stairs in the main hall. If you have a wheelchair/mobility aid, he cast a spell on the stairs so that they'll turn into a ramp so that it's easier for you to get up. He also added extra handrails/grips along the stairs so that you can hold on if needed.

He's very protective of you out in public. He constantly has his eyes on you, watching for any signs of discomfort. Constant reminders from him to take breaks when you need, and he punishes anyone who makes fun of you for needing a break.

If your legs ever feel sore, Lucifer is great at massages. He also regularly studies up on physical therapy-type exercises to help strengthen your legs. He never pushes you, but he does encourage you to do these exercises when you can.

If you ever consider surgery, Lucifer will help you look for the best doctor possible. Money is no obstacle for him, and he offers to pay for any and all expenses. He also stays with you in the Human World while you recover, as he doesn't want to risk you being down in the Devildom while you're still healing.

If you're ever injured, such as your knee popping out of socket or pulling a muscle, he's the first to look after you. Plenty of medicine and attention, and he makes sure to keep his brothers away so that they don't bother you while you rest. He's hesitant to use magic to help you, as he doesn't want you to become reliant on it for help, but if it's an extreme injury, he'll make an exception.

Mammon

He most likely is not aware of your injury unless you tell him. If you have a strange walk, such as a limp, he might make fun of you for it, not realizing it's because you're injured. After you and/or Lucifer explain to him how stupid he sounds, he apologizes, and he does genuinely feel bad.

Now he is your scary (adorable) guard dog. He's constantly going with you if you need to run an errand, and he gets upset if you ask him to let you go alone. Truthfully, he's scared for what might happen if you go out by yourself. He knows how cruel demons can be, and he'd hate it if he wasn't there to protect you. Still, if you're adamant, he'd agree to leave you be.

Definitely the type to bedazzle your mobility aid if you have one. Of course, he asks permission first, but if you let him, he's going all out. Stickers, glitter, and tacky, plastic jewels now adorn your mobility aids, and Mammon is very proud of himself.

Mammon is for sure the type to pick you up and walk you up the stairs himself. If you don't like it, he'll stop after the first time, but if you let him, he'll do it every time. If there's a set of stairs you need to go up, he's already picking you up before you even ask. Do his brothers make fun of him? Yes. Does he care? Absolutely not.

If you ever plan on having surgery, he's a bit afraid for you. Mammon has a tendency to overestimate how fragile humans can be, so when he hears the word 'surgery', his mind immediately jumps to the worst. Just reassure him that you'll be okay if you decide to go through with it, and he'll be fine. He definitely studies up on the best ways to help someone recover from a surgery, and he's a surprisingly good caretaker for you.

He's also good at caring for you if you get injured. If you hurt your leg somehow, he's immediately bringing you to the nearest private space and checking to see how bad your injury is. His first instinct is to use magic to heal your leg, but if that doesn't work, his next plan is most likely to call Lucifer and ask what he should do. He's mostly just panicking because he hates seeing you injured, but when he does manage to calm down, he is a lot better at caring for you.

Leviathan

As someone who experiences chronic pain, Levi gets it. He's in constant pain nearly all the time, so if you need help with finding ways to get comfortable, he's your guy. But beyond that, he's not much help with anything else. He barely takes care of his own pain, so the chances of him being able to help much with yours is slim at best. He does his best though.

If you feel sore, he's got lots of spaces to chill out and rest your legs. He has many different types of chairs, beanbags, the bathtub, and even his floor, which is surprisingly comfortable. He'd totally be down to build you a makeshift nest so that you have somewhere to rest and prop your leg up.

Out of all the brothers, Levi is one of the best at distraction and comfort. If you're feeling a lot of pain or soreness, his room is the best place to be. He can distract you with anime, games, manga, and more. Sometimes, you're just in pain and there's not much you can do about it, so having a distraction is usually the best option in these instances.

Still, despite what you may think, even Levi knows that there's a limit to how much you can distract yourself before you actually need help. His brothers have had to pull him out of his cave many times because they know he's in pain and ignoring it. If he ever sees you starting to develop the same destructive tendencies as him, he'll do his best to pull you out of it.

If you ever plan on getting surgery, his room is the best recovery zone you could ask for. There's a lot to do in his room, and none of it requires much physical activity, so your legs can heal while you hang out with him. He also knows a lot about how to work out your leg to keep it from stiffening up, even if he doesn't utilize these exercises himself all that much. Any pain meds you might have are tucked away in a secure location with all of his medicine, and he sets extra timers for you so that you remember to take them if needed.

If you injure your leg, Levi is not the best help unfortunately. He panics immediately, and there's not a very good chance he'll get himself out of his panic in time to help you. In cases like these, it's best to have someone else on speed dial, such as Lucifer or Barbatos. After your leg is healed, Levi is very apologetic that he couldn't be very helpful. He tries his best to overcome his own panic so that he'll be better able to help you in the future.

Satan

Out of everyone, Satan is the most likely to do actual research about your disability. Like, I'm talking hours in the library reading every medical journal he can find so that he can fully understand what you go through. He also asks you questions if you're comfortable answering them. He won't pressure you to answer though.

He will definitely get mad at anyone who makes fun of you or tries to make your life harder. If you don't want him to confront them, he won't for your sake, but he really wants to fight them. Please let him fight them for you.

If you have any mobility aids, he will help you modify them to be better suited for the Devildom, if you'd like him to of course. It's mch different down here compared to the human world, so having modified aids would be helpful to you during your stay. If you don't want them modified at all, he'd be more than happy to buy you some alternative aids instead.

Satan is very good at giving massages if you ever feel sore. Maybe you've been walking around all day, or maybe you just woke up sore. It happens, and he'll never judge you for why you feel sore. If you'd like him to, he has no problem giving you a massage. His room is not the best for relaxing since he has so many books piled everywhere, but he tries his best to clear a path for you so that you won't have to step over all of them.

If you ever plan on having surgery, Satan is your best bet for a caretaker. He's calm and patient, and he always knows what you need to feel better. He's a great cook and he doesn't mind taking care of chores. he also makes sure you take all of your prescribed medication and that you get enough rest. Satan would prefer it if you stayed in the human world during your recovery, as he believes it's safer and less stressful than staying in the Devildom, but if you'd rather stay in the Devildom, he'll gladly stay at the House of Lamentation with you.

If you're injured, Satan is one of the better demons to call on. He has a lot of medical knowledge, so he'd know better than most of his brothers about how to take care of you. He'd try to fix it on his own if he knew how to. He can fix a dislocated knee no problem, and he's fine with other small forms of injury. If it's a bigger injury, he'd be tempted to use magic to heal you, but only as a last resort.

Asmodeus

He may not know everything about your disability, and he may not be the best caretaker of all time, but Asmo is the best at hyping you up and making you feel good. Any insecurity you may have about your disability is gone when you're around him.

No one dares to insult you in his presence. If he even suspects that someone has been bullying you for having a disability, it's on sight. Or, more accurately, he's sending Satan and/or Beel to fight for him. Either way, that demon is dead.

If you let him, Asmo would absolutely bedazzle any mobility aids you might have. He'll design you a leg brace that's colorful and sparkly, all while still being fully functional. Any canes or walkers are covered in fun stickers and glitter, and wheelchairs are not spared either. If you'd rather he keep them plain, he'll be a little pouty, but he doesn't mind. Instead, he'll focus his efforts into creating a new line of fashionable mobility aids. He thinks it's fun to design something that's actually useful along with being cute.

He's also very good at helping you coordinate outfits that fit with your mobility aids. Leg braces tend to be hard to style around, and he knows that. Sometimes they can be bulky and stiff, meaning that picking out what to wear with them can be nearly impossible. If you ever need help finding something to wear, Asmo is your go-to. He won't judge you for needing help, and the two of you spend the whole day shopping and looking around for cute outfit ideas.

If you plan on having surgery, Asmo is not the best caretaker, but he tries his best for you. If he needs any help, he'll most likely call Satan or Lucifer and ask what he should do to help you. Most of his care involves him trying to keep you entertained. Resting all day can be boring, and he knows that he wouldn't enjoy being stuck inside all day. He finds movies and tv shows to binge with you, finds silly games you can play, and even puts on cute little fashion shows for you. Asmo is still a fairly responsible caretaker, but maybe have Lucifer on speed dial just in case.

If you're injured, maybe don't call Asmo right away. More likely than not, he'll freak out and panic instead of helping you. Instead, call someone else to help you with your injury, and then call Asmo after so that he can fawn over you. He'll act all offended that you didn't call on him first, but deep down he knows he wouldn't have been much help to you. He does try his best to work on himself so that he can help you more in the future.

Beelzebub

Beel may not be the most informed about human world disabilities, but he is also the most willing to learn. All he wants is to be helpful to those he cares about, and you're one of those people. If he needs to sort through every medical journal he can find to understand how to help you, he will. He may not understand most of the medical nonsense listen in the journals, but he tries his best for you, and he actually learns quite a lot in the process.

Most likely to carry you around if you need it. All of the brothers are more than capable of carrying you just fine, but Beel is most used to carrying others around. He does it for his brothers all the time, so it's no different for you in his mind. If you can't get up a flight of stairs or you broke/lost your mobility aid, Beel is right there to haul you to wherever you need.

Beel is also very good at caring for you, surprisingly. He deals with a lot of injuries because of how often he gets hurt during games/practice, so he knows a thing or two about first aid. He's not the best at it compared to an actual doctor, but if you need anything bandaged up, or perhaps a brace of some kind, he's got you. He's also got plenty of ice/heat packs if you feel sore, plus tons of muscle relaxers and other such drugs, although he's more hesitant to give anything like that to you since he's not sure what kind of dosage you'd need. If you have your own medication, he'd be more than willing to hold onto some for you in case of emergency.

If you plan on having surgery, Beel is a decent option as a caretaker. Not the best, but certainly not the worst either. He may be easily distracted by his own hunger, but as long as he's well-fed, he's good at taking care of you. Like I said, he knows a good amount already due to his own injuries, and anything he doesn't know he can just research. During recovery, you will not have to move an inch because he'll just get everything for you. If you want food or a drink, he already has it, and he doesn't mind running errands if you need anything specific. He's also good at helping you with physical therapy.

If you get an injury, he's a good option to call. Beel is best at short term solutions, like bandaging you up until you find a more permanent solution. Maybe not the best for serious injuries, as he can only do so much with his limited knowledge, but small injuries like a popped knee or sore muscles are where he can help the best.

Belphegor

If nothing else, Belphie is very good at helping you relax. If your muscles are tense or spasming, he's arguably your best go-to. He's shockingly good at massages, but his specific brand of magic is also good for relaxation, not just putting someone to sleep.

He's also the most understanding about how tired you must be all the time (besides Levi). Having any kind of leg injury is tiring and painful, and he knows good and well that you need breaks. If you're ever feeling tired or worn-out, his bed is always open to you, and so is the attic. He'll also fight anyone who makes fun of you for needing to rest, as he's most likely dealt with similar comments for how often he falls asleep.

He's not the most experienced with mobility aids, but he is good at making things comfortable. If you specifically wear any kind of brace that makes you uncomfortable, he's your best bet if you want to find something better. Maybe something with extra padding or something that sits on your leg better. If you wear one of those bigger braces that prevent your knee from bending, he's also good at helping you prop it up on some pillows. Basically, if you have a hard time getting comfy, go to Belphie. He's more than happy to help.

If you plan on having surgery, he's a fairly decent caretaker. I can't promise that he won't fall asleep in the middle of caring for you, but he's not bad while he's awake. He's the best at helping you find comfortable ways to place your leg while you sleep or rest, and he's also good at helping you relax after physical therapy. As for anything else, he has no problems running errands for you for food, but it might take him a while to get around to it.

If you're injured, maybe don't call Belphie. To be honest, he has no clue how to deal with major, or even minor, injuries, so you're better off calling for someone else to help you. However, he is good at taking care of you after your injury has been properly dealt with. If you do get majorly injured, he'll most likely feel bad that he couldn't help you, so he'll do his best to learn more about how to help you in the future.

[nagichi-boop]

How do you respond respectfully when you tell someone you can’t work and they start suggesting things you can do for work?

More context:

I haven’t worked for…three years now? Initially it was because mentally it wrecked me, but I also began to realise that physically I also wasn’t coping. It was perhaps less noticeable initially because I was sat most of the time, but any time I had to work on the shop floor, I’d become sweaty, achy and have acid reflux within about 5 minutes.

I’m 99% sure I have autism and also probably adhd, which are both disabilities in their own right. Then ofc the mental health issues that come with that - I am pretty sure I have cPTSD, but no diagnosis to back me up there. Physically, I have had chronic migraines since childhood (not diagnosed but my dad is), I am pretty confident I have POTS, I suspect narcolepsy or IH, suspect maybe something like fibromyalgia, and was just diagnosed today with chondromalacia patellae (I suspected arthritis but based on a physical exam, I wasn’t diagnosed with it - dunno if when I go to physio they’ll do an xray or something to check?).

I have one friend who is very much on my side. When I vent my worried about not working, she always backs me up and has never once doubted me. When I’ve vented to her before about being worried that I won’t be able to date/get married because of my health, she told me about a couple she knows where the wife has health issues and some days can’t do anything, but that her husband loves her to death.

Sadly she’s the exception. I have friends, who I for the most part believe are well-meaning. But whenever I mention that I worry about dating or whatever because I don’t work, they tend to jump straight to suggesting I work - usually suggesting part time or work from home. And I guess they’re just trying to ‘solve my problem’, but it feels incredibly invalidating for them to almost assume that I am being unreasonable or not trying hard enough. Yes, I’ve considered working from home or working part time, but my health problems are broad enough that nearly every job feels off limits.

The best idea for a response I can come up with is something like, “in theory that sounds ideal, but unfortunately my health issues make nearly any type of work inaccessible to me.”

Anyone else got any go-to phrases or explanations they use when this sort of thing comes up?

[not-your-pussikat]

Hold up, is this a comedy or a tragedy? I’m confused…

The setting:

A practice with several doctors specializing in physical and rehabilitative medicine. They diagnose and treat patients with forms of rheumatism, chronic pain diseases, etc.

--1st appointment--

Me: I’m in pain daily. It’s located everywhere and presents like this… *goes on to give lengthy explanation about pain symptoms* It comes with difficulty falling asleep and sleeping through, with immense fatigue, with IBS, with depressive episodes, high sensitivity to sensory input, and temperature fluctuations/the inability to regulate body temperature. Doctor #1: *does the fibro tender points thingy while I whimper and scream* I’m convinced that you have fibromyalgia, but just to be sure that you don’t have anything else like arthritis on top of that, we’ll do blood tests and get a CAT scan of your lower back, where the most intense pain is located. I’m leaving the practice for good soon, so my colleague Doctor #2 will let you know the outcome on your next appointment.

--Next appointment--

Doctor #2: Yes, you definitely have fibromyalgia, but nothing else. Here are two pieces of paper with different URLs on it, you can read up on it there. Goodbye.

Me: … *feeling left alone and not taken seriously but also kind of relieved that after 13 years of living in pain and numerous doctors and therapists telling me that I don’t have anything at all and am making myself sick (somatical pain), I finally have a diagnosis that says that I’m not doing this to myself*

--pain gets worse over the next few months, I feel like I need meds or CBD oil or something, anything to help me, so I make another appointment--

Doctor #3: Doctor #2 has retired. I’m Doctor #3. What’s the issue?

Me: I have fibromyalgia and the pain is gett–

Doctor #3: I do not believe in fibromyalgia. It’s what doctors diagnose when they don’t know how to help you. What are your symptoms?

Me: *goes through the whole spiel again, listing everywhere it hurts and all the other symptoms*

Doctor #3: Stop, stop. You’re naming too many locations in your body where you feel pain. Where is it hurting right now?

Me: Well, today, it’s my back. But that changes from day to day, so tomo–

Doctor #3: You’re doing it again. You’re all over the place!

Me: *trying not to raise my voice and not entirely succeeding* That’s because it hurts e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e. It just fluctuates in location and intensity on a daily basis.

Doctor #3: Well, I can’t help you if you say “it hurts everywhere.” If we want to find the cause, then we have to focus on what hurts right now.

Me: Your colleagues said I have fibromy–

Doctor #3: There you go again. Forget fibromyalgia. This is probably something like arthrosis. Also, you are overweight. And not on the right kind of diet. And not exercizing enough.

Me: *feels safety net of finally knowing what’s wrong with me fall away*

Doctor #3: Here’s the battle plan: I’m sending you to get a full-body bone scan. I’m also prescribing physio. Have them teach you exercises against your pain.

Me: *briefly considering telling Doctor #3 that I’ve been to physio about a gazillion times in the past 13 years but with no lasting effect—deciding against it because Doctor #3′s mind is made up already anyway, no matter what I say*

Doctor #3: Right. I’ll see you again after you get the results of the bone scan. Change your diet. Exercize more. Bye.

Me: *internally* Right. Where’s the next cliff that I can throw myself off of?**

tl;dr doctors playing hopscotch with my diagnosis

**I’m not suicidal, so please don’t worry. I’m just so tired of all the bull$hit that sometimes doing it as a mental exercise helps. But hey, we get one life. I’m not throwing it away, y’all. #painwarrior

[daddychims]

Offside Pt15

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15

Series Masterlist!

Genre: Smut, Soccer AU, College AU

Pairings: Soccer Player! Jungkook X Sports Trainer! Reader

Word Count: 2k

Other BTS members all make a cameo as well because I’m an OT7 Trash!

You work as a sports trainer, providing basic first aid and injury management for the Hanguk University’s soccer team. Going with your mundane life of caring for the dozen of guys hurting themselves in the soccer game takes a turn when one of the guys catches your eyes. It’s not his breathtakingly good looks or his muscular athletic body usually seducing girls at the campus that catches your eyes. But the action plan in your kit, indicating he is diagnosed with Asthma is what draws your eyes time and time again to the Golden Boy of Hanguk University.

Warning: Slow burn, eventual smut, Taehyung being a freaking tease the whole time, Also Jimin not letting the female MC live for one day, Fuckboy!Jungkook, Asthmatic! Jungkook , mentions of episodes of Asthma, Take your Ventolin kids, Take your medications kids!

P.S. the final member made a cameo (or should I say honorary mention?) , everyone please welcome Mr Min Yoongi! 

“Do I get to finally taste some of your placebo effect?”

You watch as the guy’s lips curls on one side to a slight smirk, pushing you against the doorframe and locking you between his half naked figure and the frame

“J-Jimin,” you gasp pushing against the guy’s bare chest “I need to wash up before dinner!”

“My dinners served right here,” he retorts as he presses his forehead against yours “Where would I go when my full course meal is standing right here ready for me to eat her up.”

“Jimin,” you scold in an authoritative tone “Joon and Jiwoo are waiting for us!”

“Babe, why are you so tense, you just gotta let go and indulge a bit,” he sighs as he moves his head down to your chin, pressing a gentle kiss on the soft skin under your lips “, my tongue skills has never disappointed anyone and you’re not gonna be a first!”

You gulp as a rush of arousal shoots between your legs, biting your lips to deny the temptations of giving in to the guy’s seductive words but the earlier images of Jungkook warning you against Jimin tugs on your heart.

“I’m hungry,” you reply firmly, shifting to move away from him and watch him part his lips to respond but you immediately predict his next words “and not hungry for you Park! LIKE GENIUNLY HUNGRY!”

“Fine, I don’t know if you heard but the menu is my delicious chicken curry,” He chuckles, his moon shaped eyes disappearing as he moves away from you “I’ll let you go on one condition!”

“What?” you raise an eyebrow

“Joonie hyung said you give killer massages,” he smirks viciously “and our club’s physio thinks I would really benefit from some massage.”

“You’re telling me none of your booty calls are capable of rubbing your neck for you!” you roll your eyes as you walk to the sink to wash your hand

“They’re just good at rubbing one off, but not really my neck” he rests his hand on the doorframe “somewhere down south!”

You glance at him pointing at his dick which the towel is doing a mediocore job of hiding and roll your eyes “Off course they would!” you snicker as you turn the tap off and move to walk pass him

“So, are we on?” He asks as he follows you, not caring that he’s about to walk in the living room literally half naked “Am I getting one of your killer massages or not?”

“I’ll see,” you turn around stopping him as you face him “If you behave, like a good boy,” A slight smile plasters on your lips as your hands travels to his blonde hair to stroke the silky strands “then I might consider.”

“Mhmmm,” he raises an eyebrow, “So you’re into good boys huh?” his eyes darken as he takes a step forward and murmurs “Then why the fuck were you messing around with a guy like Yoongi Hyung?”

Your eyes widen and you immediately step back, expression hardening but he stops you by holding around your waist “How-How do you know?”

“Relax,” he soothes “Yoongi Hyung was SNU soccer team’s wildcard before setting off for nationals,” he explains softly “Hanguk’s Nerd and SNU’s Jock, your story is one of the campus favourite love stories.”

“Failed love story,” you correct with a cold tone “If you haven’t heard the ending, I’ll let tell you, Min Yoongi cheated on me,” you add with a tone dripping with venom “Which was a good lesson for me to not mess around with guys like him anymore!”

“Mhmm guys like him …” Jimin’s voice trails off as he stares at you for a few seconds in silence, as if he’s trying to figure you out “Explains why you’ve been playing so hard to get!”

“Now you know Park,” you flash a bitter smile “Keep it moving and go make your love story with another girl,” you hesitate before adding “One that is still stupid enough to believes there is a happy ending with guys like you and Min Yoongi.”

You turn on your heels but his words stop you “I just want my massage,” he calls and you look back at him with an annoyed expression “I’ll be a good boy!” he throws his hand up in the air as a sign of succumbing to you

“Get dressed and let’s have dinner first!”

“Yes Ma’am.” He salutes with a naughty tone before running down the hallway like a little boy

You sigh and turn around towards the living room where Jiwoo and Joon are already indulging in the chicken curry Jimin cooked

“Hurry up,” Joon calls with mouth full of food “It’s getting cold, where is Park?”

“Getting dressed,” you mutter through gritted teeth “maybe you should have told me he’s naked in the shower when I was heading to bathroom.”

“Sorry I forgot,” he shrugs as he jams another mouthful of rice and curry in his mouth “It’s not like you don’t see naked guys at you at work all the time.”

“So …” Jiwoo interrupts as you scoop some curry into your plate “You and Jeon huh?”

“JOON!” You cry and the guy immediately chokes on his food, developing a coughing fit immediately “You’re fucking useless!” you cry in rage

“don’t scold him,” Jiwoo glares at you as he hands a cup of water to her boyfriend “you’re useless for not telling me that you’re about to get some of that Golden dick? Why? You thought I’ll ask you to share?”

“Hey Hey,” Joon knocks on the table with a raspy voice, scolding Jiwoo “You young lady, you’re not thirsting over dick when I’m sitting here all healthy and ready to serve you!”

“I was just saying,” Jiwoo rolls her eyes “The point is this little snake is fucking Hanguk’s Golden Dick and is not telling me- “

“who’s fucking Hanguk’s Golden dick?” Jimin walks in the living room and you immediately motion to Jiwoo to shut up

“Nothing, this curry is actually good- “you try to change the subject, but your dense friend is clueless to your effort

“She’s fucking Hanguk’s golden dick,” Jiwoo motions to you explaining to Jimin “AKA Jeon Jungkook!”

“Oh,” Jimin nods, glancing at you “Interesting, last time I asked her she denied!”

“Wait, how did you know?” Joon asks with a confused tone

“Last time we were playing billiard, Jeon was eating her up with his eyes,” Jimin explains with a casual tone “Then he and his stupid friend pulled this shit of betting with me over driving her home,” he hesitates as he munches on his bread “the guy’s pretty aggressive!”

“Didn’t I tell you to take her home?” Joon throws a piece of bread at Jimin before glancing at you “So this has been going for a while!”

“First of all, I can get my ass home just fine, you don’t need to assign your minions to take care of me,” you glance at Jimin and quickly mutter “Second of all, NOTHING HAS BEEN GOING ON! Just because you all can’t keep your coochie in your pants like some hormonal teenagers doesn’t mean I can’t either!”

“They’re boning,” Jimin immediately replies following your statement

“I agree,” Jiwoo reaches to high five him “The fact that she’s denying it so hard, proves it all more!”

“I don’t care if you’ve fucked him or not,” Joon adds “You’re stopping it right here, right now!” he warns before glancing at Jimin “And you, next time I assign you to take care of her, you stick to her and don’t leave her side until I say so.”

“Yes Captain,” Jimin’s grin widens as he wraps his arms around you “Got the field all covered, Jeon wouldn’t even get past the midfield to make the goal.”

“I am doing just fine not boning Jeon,” you swat his hand away as you glare at your best friend “Also it’s not like your little minion is any better than Jeon!”

“Darling, I’m sitting right here,” Jimin raises an eyebrow “That’s the second time you’ve insulted my height and I can only take so much.”

“You called me a field like I’m some sort of a fucking ball game!” you spit back at the guy in disbelief

“This is why I’m not worried about him,” Joon chimes in “You two probably kill each other before actually get to the action. In my risk analysis he’s less dangerous than Jeon at this point.”

“Your risk analysis can suck my non-existent dick!” you throw a napkin at him

“I don’t care what you say,” Joon declares firmly “Jeon is a no no, I can lend you the whole SNU’s soccer club if you need to get laid, but Jeon is too risky for you. Stay away from him.”

“Thanks for the advice grandpa,” you roll your eyes “Keep your SNU boys to yourself.”

“You can always have me all to yourself baby,” Jimin leans in to whisper against your ears when you bring the knife up close to him

“Behave Park! I have a knife in my hand!”

You sigh as he laughs and shifts away from you and all of you continue eating your dinner in peace.

-

You look at the guy gasping for air as he crouches down against the wall, your shaking hands immediately looking through your kit as you find the can of supplemental oxygen and rush back to him. You don’t know how you got yourself to the office when the coach told you Jeon left the game half time because he wasn’t feeling well and asked you to check on him before Dr. Kim arrives because it looked kind of serious.

You immediately made a phone call to Dr Kim as you ran with your life to the office where you hoped you’d find the guy. When you entered the office you found the guy plastered against the wall, coughing for his life, his lips parted and gasping for air, a layer of sweat on his forehead and tears in his eyes sending you to a full on panic on all the sign and symptoms of a fight or flight response you could recognize.

You kneel against him, bringing the mouthpiece to his lips “On the count of three, take a deep breath in for me-“

Your gaze falters as he slaps the can away from him and brings his dark gaze to you

“J-Jeon-“

“I don’t need your pity,” he says through gritted teeth “Get out of my face.”

“I called Dr.Kim, he told me to give you some oxygen while we wait on him,” You mutter, anger taking over your words but trying really hard to stay calm “I’ll get fired if he arrives and knows I haven’t done my job!”

“Wouldn’t that be good for you?” He scoffs raising an eyebrow “Maybe you can get a job at SNU and suck Park Jimin’s dick full time.”

“W-What?” you furrow your eyebrows “What are you talking about-“

“You went riding his dick right after you were about to fuck me IN MY FUCKING ROOM,” he raises his voice “I saw how you were straddling him on Jiwoo Nuna’s Instagram.”

Your head starts running like a clock and you feel your breath hitching in your throat, you never noticed Jiwoo taking a picture of you. But knowing the girl is a social media guru you weren’t surprised hearing she posted a photo of you giving Jimin a neck massage. And to anyone who wasn’t there that night, specially the guy sitting against you it would look as if you were doing things other than just a therapeutic massage.

“I- “you part your lips “I didn’t- “

“So, it’s just me isn’t it?” He raises an eyebrow “Whenever I fucking touch you, you push me away and act all virgin Mary,” He scoffs “But You don’t have a problem humping Park Jimin’s cock like a whore, Do you?”

“Jungkook, J-Just please stop talking! “ you sigh “I can explain, it’s not what you’re thinking-”

“Is it because I’m sick?”

Your eyes widen as you look at him, trying to figure out if you actually heard him wrong “What?”

“Is it because of my asthma?” He asks, glaring at you, tears and hurt plastered on his expression “Is that why you’re turned off by me?”

“J-Jeon …” you sigh his name, heart beating fast in your chest as you try to digest his words

“What could be the reason then?” his eyes roams around the room as he lists the reasons “I’m taller than him, hotter than him, play better soccer, Fuck even my dick’s bigger than that 3 inch and you fucking know it,”  he brings his hooded gaze to you “No matter how much I think about it, It’s my Asthma, that must be it!”

Your heart starts aching in your chest, all you want to do is to press your lips against the guy’s quivering lips, kissing him until you prove to him that whatever story he’s painting is not real. That you’ve never perceived him any less attractive just because of his condition. That if Joon wasn’t on your ass since the night you were at his place, you probably would have fucked him already.

But you can’t do that, and you know it very well, that if you confess that you’ve been attracted to the guy you would enter a dangerous territory that you know is risky. More important than that you can’t go against your promise with your best friend and mess with the guy he warned you against.

“I- “you gulp looking at him as you try to form the sentence but the door snaps open, revealing Dr. Kim who rushes in

“I’m here!” he declares, and you quickly distance yourself from the guy, sighing in relief

[teawiththeot]

First week of fieldwork. How does treating make me as OT student feel ?

First question people always ask me when I tell them that I am an OT student is ‘ huh what is OT and what do you guys do’ ? I love the concept of OT because we are involved in rehabilitation (regain of loss skills) and habilitation (gaining new skills) through a whole person approach. As OTs we support people in daily functional activity to improve lifestyles and live a more independent life. OT is a required service for patients especially if they are diagnosed with a illness, or had an injury, surgery or disability that may prevent them from being able to engage in daily activities such getting out bed, dressing, feeding, doing laundry, cooking and many more.

To be honest, first year I was not sure what OT really is either? I would usually say: “it’s like Physio but not really Physio” I had struggled to get a well-rounded idea of what OT is and what exactly we do. My second year (in 2020), I still was not sure, but I had an idea, because of COVID- our clinical work was cancelled, so most work had to be done online, I was not expose to real injured clients. We had to do assessment of the client with our families at home, which felt ineffective because “family patient” had no injury or diagnosis and was fully functioning. It is only now beginning of OT3, things are starting to fall into place. We are linking diagnoses, assessment and treatment method and clinical work has officially began for me. So, first week of fieldwork, how does treating make me feel?

To be honest I was nervous and excited at the same to learn more about the role of OT and the treatments we do. I was really looking forward to challenge myself and improve my skills and oh I really got the challenge I was looking for. My client Lauren is a 58-year-old left CVA and has expressive aphasia. Expressive aphasia, also known as Broca's aphasia, is a type of aphasia characterized by partial loss of the ability to produce language (spoken, manual, or written), although comprehension generally remains intact. A person with expressive aphasia will exhibit effortful speech. According to research, it can occur suddenly after a stroke or head injury or develop slowly from a growing brain tumour or disease and once the underlying cause is treated, the main treatment for aphasia is speech therapy. Lauren was admitted to my hospital only last week. She currently has not seen a speech therapist and communicating with her is a challenge. She cannot seem to have a way of saying ‘No’ even when I ask her to nod for yes and shake head for no. assessment such as Pain and sensation cannot be done with her because she can never answer my questions even after simplifying to yes and no., we currently cannot have a conversation, our sessions are filled with instructions from me telling her what do and providing physical assistance such as tapping her to move this leg and demonstrations. I had to look at more functional assessment and treating. Mostly this week, I was focused on assessments as assessments are important because they are focused on getting an understanding of what our patient’s current abilities are and which enablers may affect it. Treatment intervention I was able to do with my client was bed mobility, bed to wheelchair transfer and dressing, because the client has been recently admitted after falling at home, she had decreased strength and needs one person assisting her with ADLs but has some independence, however, she is not doing the methods correctly and could possibly hurt themselves. I had to teach her a correct and energy conservation method to easily transfer from the bed and dressing her gown using hemi-methods. I do not think she has grasped what I had taught her, we would have to repetitions and include the use of assistive devices. Her inpatient intervention is improving the areas of impairment to help her perform her ADLs more independently before returning home.

Therefore, I am excited, anxious, there is so much research that I will have to do about stroke patients, aphasia and handling it but I am looking forward to learning and growing more each and every day of my OT life as the opportunities present themselves and looking forward to helping Lauren improve her lifestyle.  

here are some references used in the blog and more to know research about stroke, stroke symptoms, stroke therapy, aphasia and types of aphasia

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/7624 -  This article explains why strokes occur and how to treat them. It also explains the different types of strokes

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7589849/ - This article goes into depth about the pathophysiology of the stroke, just to understand more about stroke

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/stroke/in-depth/stroke-rehabilitation/art-20045172 - What to expect as you recover 

https://www.physio-pedia.com/Stroke:_Physiotherapy_Treatment_Approaches -Physiotherapists also play an important role in stroke therapy, here are some of the treatment approaches from a member of the MDT

https://www.aphasia.org/aphasia-resources/brocas-aphasia/- To know about aphasia, types, causes and treatment

[prorevenge]

He tore my ankle ligaments, and now his nose is pointing in the wrong direction

TL;DR at the end.

Background (feel free to skip it)

I am a big guy (6ft, 275lbs) and I am not all muscle. I used to play soccer as a kid until I was 17 years old when I took a nasty knee injury that ended my hopes to play pro. I started to gain weight over the years, partly due to bad habits and lack of exercise. I reached 325lbs at one point and it felt like I was about to die. That's when I decided enough was enough and it was time to turn my life around. Started eating healthy, and slowly picked up the exercise bug again. I also joined a 6v6 soccer league in my city where my friends had a team and invited me to play. I'd play soccer once a week, go the gym thrice a week, then rest and chill. It was great.

On a soccer pitch you don't expect 300lbs+ guys to be running around or even be skilled enough to dribble through defenders. Most teams wouldn't even mark me (I played as a striker) until I scored a goal or dribbled through two of their players. That earned me some respect on the pitch, I had competitor players come to complement my performance after the games. I even made friends with league coordinators who at times cheered me after a nice pass or goal. It was just great... I felt I was alive again.

The Wrong-doing

At the time of this story, I had lost about 30lbs (I was 295ish). We were playing a long Winter League which is basically 14 games (14 weeks) and we knew almost every team in the league... except for one team. It was the 4th game of the season and we were scheduled to play the new team. A bunch of big guys that looked like they were straight out of an MMA competition. The game starts, as usual, I am not marked... I literally had enough space to park truck with no defender giving me a thought. I received the ball, ran for the goal, then buried it in the bottom corner. Easiest goal ever. Five minutes later, I did it again. Now I had their attention, and I was being marked by a guy who from now on we will call Jackass.

Jackass tried every trick to take the ball from me, and failed. The more he tried the more frustrated he became. Then at one point, I had the ball, dribbled and did a body feint and he dropped on his ass trying to correct his direction. I crossed the ball and we scored the third. It was humiliating but I didn't mean it like that. He stood up and walked right next me and said:

Jackass: You think you're having fun, fat ass?

Me: You're not really going to talk shit on a recreational soccer game, are you?

Jackass: I am not talking shit. I am just asking if you're having fun.

Me: Yeah, I am. And you?

Jackass: I will have my fun in a bit.

I didn't really know what he meant but I didn't give it a thought. A few minutes later, I receive the ball again, Jackass is like a step or two behind me. The next thing I know is my left foot (the one planted in the ground as I received the ball with my right foot) is twisted, I hear a loud popping sound from my ankle and I am on the ground. A moment later, a jolt of excruciating pain in my ankle made me groan like an elephant stomped on my foot. Jackass has taken an illegal sliding tackle on my left foot and it tore my ankle under my body weight. Then, he literally stood up and leaned down on me and said "Now I had my fun". I was out of the game.

Fast Forward 24 hours, my ankle is swollen the size of a large grapefruit. I see a doctor who diagnoses that my Anterior Talofibular Ligament has a 2nd degree tear... This is the strongest ligament in your ankle btw. I can't play any sport and only use my foot lightly for 8 weeks minimum. I made sure I submitted an incident report to the league after the game, then kept all the receipts for medical treatment as a result of the injury. It took a toll on me emotionally as it reminded me of my old knee injury that ended my soccer dreams. I was determined not to slip into depression again though.

Even though I could no longer go to the gym or the pitch, I was still eating healthy and spend the next 8 weeks planning my revenge.

​

It took me 9 weeks to recover, which was better than the Sports Specialist predicted. I was back in the last game of the season before the two play-off games. We were playing Jackass and his team again. I had spent my whole recovery time doing my very best to get ready to make that game. Took physio's advice and applied them to the letter, did anything and everything to make sure that I am good to play. I made it. Now it was time to exact revenge.

​

The Revenge

I concocted a plan with my friend Dave to exact revenge on Jackass, one that would leave him with a permanent memento from Yours Truly. Jackass likes to stay behind then make a vicious tackle, push or shove when the player he is marking is about to receive the ball. I was going to use that against him the worst way.

​

In the game, I made sure Jackass felt like I was scared of him. When I received the ball, I got rid of it too quickly, and if I was dribbling, I either passed it or let it go as if I was avoiding contact. This encouraged him to stay with me and to scare me even more. He literally played the first 15 mins of the game with a smug all over his ugly face.

​

That was about to change.

​

About 20 mins into the game, we get a corner kick. Dave goes to play the kick and I stand in the box, Jackass is two steps behind. Dave was about to take the kick then he stopped and nodded "No". This meant Jackass was no longer in position and we couldn't do what we planned to do. This happened a couple of more times. Then it is the fourth corner kick towards the end of the first half. Dave is taking the kick. He looks at me and he nods "Yes". Jackass is two steps behind me and is now marking me again. I put my hand up and shout "HERE, DAVE"... Jackass now commits to me. Dave then goes on to play this sweet perfect cross right above my head level. Jackass goes on to do his standard come-from-behind-and-do-something-nasty routine.

​

At that very moment, I plant both feet in the ground, expecting the shove from behind, lean backwards and launch my body towards Jackass. He is going for the ball with his head, and I am going with my head for his face. He perfectly planted his face in the back of my head (his head going forward, and my head going backwards). I swear I could hear his nose break on the back of my head. We both fall to the ground and I drop my 290lbs fat ass on top of him, catching him with my elbow, straight into the eyebrow. As I turn around on the ground, he has a cut on his eyebrow, his nose is broken and is literally pointing to the left, and he is bleeding. I shout "FIRST AID KIT HERE PLEASE", then tell everyone I was First Aid certified and start sitting him up and leaning his head backwards to stop the bleeding. In the process, I pinch his nose to check if it's alright :D, and he screams like a little girl. Then I say "Oh, it seems your nose is broken". League Coordinators cart him out, and an ambulance picks him up a few minutes later.

​

After the game, he sent a message saying he is suing me for intentionally breaking his nose and cutting his eyebrow. The League Coordinators did not support his incident report and said that it was he who went for me from behind and that I couldn't have anticipated that, let alone injure him so badly if it weren't for his own force. They also indicated that I was the first person to provide first aid to him after the fall. He had no leg to stand on, and his claim was dismissed.

​

Then I sent him a letter from my lawyer letting him know I was suing him for my injuries 9 weeks prior, supporting that with doctor's reports, physio reports, and the league's incident report where the League Coordinators concluded that his tackle was both illegal and deliberate. He had received a warning from the league that he would be permanently banned for such behavior. The league then went on to ban him from participating in the games. He reimbursed me $2300 in medical costs.

​

I scored 3 goals that game. We won and made it to the playoffs, then we beat them again in the play-offs and won the league. I am still on track with my weight-loss.

​

TL;DR - A Jackass couldn't take playing a soccer game against a better team, decided to break my ankle in a nasty illegal tackle. I ended up with torn ligaments that took 9 weeks to recover. The next time on the field, he ended up with a cut on his eyebrow and his nose pointing in the wrong direction. Then paid me up for my medical expenses.

(source) story by (/u/shrekstah)

[ladyshadowqueen]

dysautonomia awareness month 

hey so i mentioned about making a post about my experience being diagnosed and living with PoTS (a form of dysautonomia) and no one technically said yes but i decided to do it anyway. and while i am very very enthusiastic about the fact that dysautonomia is something that needs more awareness this is also obviously a vulnerable topic for me. so for that reason likes and comments are appreciated but no reblogs please. im also going to put this under a cut because its most likely going to be a long post.

also: a quick explanation on PoTS. its a condition where the autonomic nervous system doesnt work properly (reasons unknown). it affects a lot of things but is mainly known for its effect on blood flow around the body. 

so i guess the easiest place for me to start is the diagnosis. i was always a child who fainted occasionally but it was always put down to my weight and because it only happened like once a year i ignored it. then when i was starting year 10 of school it started happening more and more, i was able to stand up less, constantly dizzy and really tired. i had a bunch of tests at the doctors (blood tests, different types of ECG’s etc.) but nothing came back (haha story of my fucking life) so i got referred to a consultant. and here is the part where i got really really really fucking lucky. the consultant i got sent to knew what PoTS was and treated patients with PoTS and therefore was able to order me a tilt table test and diagnose me (tilt table tests are fucking hell by the way). in total my time from referral to diagnosis was 2-3 months. the average for a PoTS patient is 6 years. those 2-3 months were fucking frustrating as hell and i was constantly questioning myself feeling like i was making it up in my head because nothing came back abnormal. i dont really have many memories of those 2-3 months. im grateful that i by chance got sent to that doctor and had access to a quick-ish diagnosis. 

i later got diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome (clues in the name), found out i had scoliosis and got assessed for EDS and Marfans (i dont have either of those last two but according to the geneticists i have the symptoms of EDS without it being caused by EDS so lmao either way). the next two years were kinda just stabilising myself, building back my strength through physio and doing my GCSE’s through the school medical needs system. i then passed those and went into full time education for my a levels successfully for 1 year. then this time last year a health thing happened (im not going to go into detail mainly because i dont know how to fucking explain it but also because i was very very very sick and thats obviously very vulnerable and i still have a lot of trauma about it) and i was in hospital and very weak (girl couldnt even walk down a corridor) which obviously affected my pots. its a year later now and im doing okay pots wise. ive built back most of my progress after being very sick and am now doing round 2 of attempting my a levels after being out of school for a year. my health is currently stable and im doing okay. 

pots is a very individual condition so here is how it affects me. i cant stand up for long periods of time, walking i can last a little longer but overall i need to sit down regularly otherwise a bitch is going down. i have difficulties with nausea. anything faster than a brisk walk is not happening. i cant handle extreme temperatures.my feet swell when i stand up for too long and become very painful. blood pools in my body if i dont move a lot. i rarely fully pass out because i know the signs but get very close several times a week. and im constantly tired. i also take medication daily. 

because of having pots i know a lot about fainting so here is a big tip for if you see someone pass out in a public space.(based on my personal experience, may not be the same for everyone). if you see someone faint in public and they already have people helping them please keep fucking walking. i honestly cant stress this enough. unless that person is alone and doesnt have help you act like you dont see anything and keep moving. the absolute worst thing in the world after fainting in a public place is waking up and then having 30 people surrounding you and staring at you. if they are safe, its none of your business.  

okay so questions from my ask box (i tried to do screenshots but it failed)

how old were you when you got diagnosed? how did you feel?

i was 14 and honestly it was confusing. i didnt actually see my consultant after my tilt table test because he had to leave so he told my mum my diagnoses and prescribed me medication. its something that kinda upsets me about my diagnosis, i never really got it explained to me i just had to research it myself. but i was also relieved to have an answer. 

what is something that you cant do that people dont expect?

a bitch cannot walk up a hill to save her life. i guess it is logical and people may expect it but its just the angle of walking up a hill obviously make it harder for my body which is already working overtime. also concentrating is really hard. also keeping myself warm in winter. also memory? who is she? 

what is something you have to do every day because of your illness?

every day can be quite different with pots so i would say the only constant is taking medication. 

what are your worst days like? 

okay im going to talk about my worst days pots wise here but theyre not my worst days in general because i have other conditions. a really bad pots day is most likely to be on a really hot summer day (the natural vasodilation that happens to everyone in hot weather basically just delivers the final punch to my body because its already not working properly). on these days i cant stand up for more than a minute, have to be very very very diligent with making sure im hydrated and basically just lie on my sofa watching movies and dont even attempt to do anything (because it will end up in me on the floor)

okay so in summary: pots is a nightmare but also im fine. it affects a lot of my life but also im living with it and at least i get a condition that allows me to be very dramatic and faint whenever there is an issue. i think you can tell in other parts of this post my humour is very much intact and honestly it should be. humour is a great coping mechanism for chronic illness and disability. because the fact that my body struggles to get the blood around my body and it just sometimes gives up and i drop to the floor can be hilarious. so yeah. thats my experience with pots, its a lot more common than it seems so its very likely that in your life you will physically interact with someone who has it, so i hope you learned something i guess? sorry for the long post 

[talusnegotiations]

Diary, Tuesday 29 December

Successes today

With a pic above that says Emotionally Drained it seems strange to start with the successes of today, no? But here we are and successes we greet.

I felt recognised and seen

I got to spend the morning with a nurse who is very kind and smart. We agreed that we could be hospital friends while I’m in here, because we are both hilarious and very good looking.

I met a physio down on the rehab floor who absolutely, 100% knew what I was going through, who empathised with me, and who laughed (kindly) at the small ineptitudes of people who aren’t familiar with spastic diplegia.

My friend and I had a late-night (8pm is late for me) phone call and we talked about Christmas and roses and lovely, lovely life developments.

I received a care package from Rory whom I haven’t seen since 2018 and whom I miss very much. We did get a facetime in though. Gorgeous.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henri Lehmann - Ophelia (detail) (Source)

Challenges today

A rant about professionals in the health industries ignoring lived experience

I’m trying to find a different word for resentment. I resent some things about my hospital experience because they remind me of difficult parts of my childhood, a lot of which was spent in hospital.

It is hard for me to know that, even if I speak clearly and articulately, being explicit, yet polite as pie, there is a high chance that bureaucracy or inherent bias (or *gasp* discrimination) will mean any request I make, no matter how important, may be ignored. My example below.

I had a chat with the physio-in-charge yesterday about my need for more training in wheelchair use. I might write a longer post about this soon, but not now. The physio and I were on the same page, and she said that it would be only too easy for her to arrange something to assist me on my learning journey as they had a number of staff rostered on (except on the public holidays). I am meant to be proficient enough in wheelchair use so as to not injure myself by the time I depart hospital in a week.

So, I need to learn to use a wheelchair properly. If I don’t, I am going to seriously f**k the rest of my body up for the indeterminate future, which will inevitably cause me a lot of pain (physical and otherwise) and cost thousands, yes thousands, of dollars* to fix. The amount of time it will take to fix is also indeterminate, due to the tempestuous nature of my disability.

I have a daily briefing with the rehab doctor to talk about my treatment. This morning, she dismissed my request and said that the main priority was to get me up and using the wheelchair so I wouldn’t fall, and that was all. I replied in agreement, adding that I needed to use the wheelchair properly so as to reduce risk of injury and maximise my recovery potential.

Like, the doctor and the nurses all come in here and tell us how hard we’re working after the shock of an accident, how hard it must be, and how arduous the journey is. How nice it will be to get back to  ‘normal’   (blerghhhhhhhhhhh). What even is that word?

/

Some context, I suppose

Mum and Dad are concerned about how upset I got. But I think they’re living in the 1990s still. They’re living, a little bit, in segregation world, where talking about disability and requesting what I need in a straightforward way, rather than in a passive, docile and subtle way, is dangerous. You could so easily be locked out of medical care if you don’t play your cards right. If you seem like a difficult patient. And they’re not wrong. That shit still happens today.

When I was a kid: do you know, Mum has written correspondence from multiple different doctors telling her that she was deluded and hysterical^ for wanting my developmental milestones to be double-checked. Mum thought there might be something to follow up medically, and they all dismissed her. She was a ridiculous, over-sensitive mother with a wild imagination. 

I wasn’t diagnosed until I was four years old, and it was basically by accident (story for another time). But four years is a long time for a small child. Four years the doctors ignored my Mum and Dad, even though they kept on asking, kept reporting their lived experience. But, Nina isn’t walking the same way as other kids her age. Speaking is difficult for her. She cries all the time. Please help.

See... this is why I started with the successes.

/

*and everyone says I’m so chill about being disabled and i generally am due to my shiny, sunny, charismatic and humble disposition. but this kind of thing---which happens all the time---boils my bloody broccoli because well-paid, well-educated professionals who are meant to be working for the benefit of my recovery are accidentally, even ignorantly, working against it. yes i know they’re busy and i want to give them the benefit of the doubt, but i also want to work together. please. please can we work together?

^it might be paraphrased but I think hysterical was actually a word used.

//

[urushibararuka]

Alright so! under the cut: why I kinda stopped posting updates about my life on here & regarding my education:

To be frank I’ve mostly just been shitposting about my lie on twitter and I’ve been doing it in such a way that a lot of people would likely find it a bit difficult to understand if I’m being serious or not. Otherwise, I’ve been yelling about my life on the Supergiant Games unofficial discord, and I’ve felt that that’s been satisfactory in regards to me discussing life stuff with people. That community is absolutely wonderful and has restored my faith in fandom (alongside the TWRP fandom, of all fandoms)

So if u do wanna keep in touch with me I strongly suggest adding me on LINE because I miss using it and/or on discord because I use it a lot as a means of communication these days

Additionally, I haven’t been able to sit at my laptop for extended periods of times due to the shoulder and neck pain I’ve been dealing with for the past few years. It’s built up to a degree where the pain is now persistent through my day to day life, and it’s annoying, distracting, and, well, painful. I plan on getting this dealt with back at uni once again; I often fall asleep early these days so I forget to do the corrective exercises prescribed to me by my physio and that isn’t helping the issue either.

When it came to me signing up for my classes at the end of the summer of this year, I dreaded it. Dreaded it. I had walked out of the previous semester unbelievably depressed (have been diagnosed with severe depression since) right to the point where I was sitting in exams, staring at the paper in front of me, and not having the adrenaline, fear, excitement etc I usually need to write out what I needed to

And I was distracted the whole time

and so I barely wrote anything on these papers and spent most of the exam time idling.

That. Sucks. Big time. And the reason why I was depressed? A combination of me not having found part time work for a year (now going on a year and a half) and not being even remotely interested in what I was studying.

That also sucked because I thought I would at least find what I was studying interesting, not exciting per se, but interesting, and it really, really wasn’t.

And I chalk it down to me being too much of an airhead that is decent at writing but genuinely doesn’t care about most aspects of the business world save for the HR aspect. The first part is great if you wanna pursue work within the business world! But the second part... eh.

And, whilst their program for tourism looks fascinating, I would’ve had to sit through classes I was no good at, so that option was also out of the window.

Ultimately, I decided that a) I needed to stop doing a dual degree when I did not have the energy to, and b) I needed to do an arts/humanities degree.

So I had a few choices.

The arts (which has little to do with Actual Art itself and more so deals with stuff like,,,, philosophy,,,, and sociology and other still interesting topics)

Communications

Journalism.

Unfortunately my university sacrifices good arts programs in favour of cheaper fees and offering part-time study (which I kinda need) so. Yeah lmao

Whilst I was seriously considering doing an arts degree because then u can basically f*ck off and do Whatever The Hell You Want, I felt like a communications degree would’ve been better for me as it mayyy have offered more opportunities for me to enter the film and tv world, which I’ve been somewhat interested in as of late 

But then I looked at the journalism program and. Well. I could do a minor in film and tv in there. And it’s probably the best degree of the three as it offers study overseas for a brief period of time, offers for internship as part of study, and the possibility of doing your own individualised project- so as long as u have a good enough GPA (which I certainly do not have at the moment, but hey. I could improve.)

So I decided to go with journalism for now. In the end, if I do end up disliking the degree, I could try out either communications or the arts! I just don’t like the idea of me totally giving up on tertiary education because I am somewhat academically minded, just easily distracted and very depressed, and I feel like I should use that to the best of my ability and use it as an opportunity to learn about the world around me.

Also I’m a lil apprehensive about what job opportunities could be available to me if I do finish my journalism degree because uh. My asshole distant cousin Rupert M*rdock runs his media outlets in a way I strongly disagree with but... that’s for the future lmfao

To end this long ass rant: I am going to go obtain a certificate in the responsible service of alcohol tomorrow night, at this time, and if it goes well I might go for my RS of gambling too! So yes hopefully that’ll all work out and aid me in getting a job

[wheniwas13i]

Ok so I said I'd keep posting. I know I have no readers but hey ho, maybe someday? The whole point of this is to help anyone whose diagnosed, suspecting whatever find out a bit about life with EDS. Even if it's just 1 person that's fine by me. To be honest I found posting the other day quite therapeutic (they have been saying "maybe you should go see a counsellor" but that's a whole separate thing). Two birds, one stone am I right?

So ironically my Facebook threw up not one but THREE joint/muscular injury related posts a couple of days ago.

"Come on shoulder, just heal a little more...."

"Going to be rocking this bad boy for the next week" (little did I know it was 4)

And a general rant about the nhs not giving me an appointment for said knee pain (anyone else get that? Rings doctor, no appointments. Rings 111, tells me to ring doctor. Ring doctor again no appointments for a week and in severe pain. Rings 111. Try doctor again please. 3 hours later you're seeing an out of hours doctor being told you need MRI on a month and a half old injury and your leg in a brace)

This year it's me ringing my latest orthopaedic consultant (oh I've seen a few... at least 4 different hospitals have had me on their books in recent years) to ask for a referral for another lovely cortisone shot. I've done pretty well. It's been 9 months since the last. The first lasted about 2 months (gym, walking, lots of stairs.... not a good combo for me) and resulted in a slow crescendo to agony and eventually being repatriated to England from my place of work on sick leave. Granted in this 9 months I've paid out for physio, bought myself expensive hi top trainers for work (trainers mandatory, converse a no and better yet I'm a strict veggie, no leather) before I was a New Look basic 10 pound trainers girl, they get paint, mud, even wee on them where I work. And the reason why I'm buying these expensive shoes you ask, the 500 pound custom made insets.... hell a girl will try everything to avoid bursitis!

My next option? Draining the bursa. Sounds terrifying but next year if it's still flaring up that's the option. Makes you feel a bit sick doesn't it? Blood I can handle. People fiddling I'm my joints I hate!

But forgive me, this isn't all a whinge! Just trying to point out the practicalities of your joints going (and the cost). My hip support bandage thingy arrived today. People swear it helps (well the Amazon reviews do) so I thought it's worth a shot. It can go in my collection of supports... the sling which ties round your waist, the lovely aforementioned knee brace (tip, wear black tights it's less obvious), the ankle brace and the wrist supports.... all of which i can promise you it's actually worth investing in. If you need them, you need them! If it keeps your joint steady so it can recover it's a massive plus from me.

Today the pain is not as severe. Tomorrow? I'm driving the 70 miles to see my best mate and goddaughter. Naproxen, brace, ibuprofen gel and ice at the ready! Good job I love them so damn much!

So there's not much else to say really. Hip painful but all other joints ok right now so I'm happy. Get a shot in it and I'll be running (well, walking steadily) up those stairs in no time! Yes I need more rest than everyone else and I probably should take it but I'm only 28. If there's a fix, there's a way! No peace for the wicked and all that...

[nqobilemkhize]

Master the Day. Then Just Keep Doing That Every Day

“There’s nothing wrong with feeling a little anxious because we all need a little anxiety to push us to work hard. The problem starts when you let the anxiety paralyze you, making you unable to function.” This was the caption of the above picture my best friend sent me when I was in the ‘pits’ on Monday (or the early hours of Tuesday morning, because university turns you into that sleep deprived individual).

Our lectures are now about the different psychiatric diagnoses we might encounter during our fieldwork block; what makes them interesting is that we (the students) are able to think of people that tick the boxes when the signs and behaviours are mentioned. On Monday I was ticking the boxes of Generalized Anxiety Disorder (characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things)¹ to being overwhelmed by schoolwork and not knowing how I will get through it. These feelings of anxiety, stress and some inadequacy get locked into a box after exams and during vacation but the box pops open at the beginning of the semester. Despite all of that, I will continue to do best.

This week we have been given the topic ‘An OT is born’. The OT in me has 2 birth dates; in grade 11 when I was searching for possible careers in the health sciences because growing up my heart has always been there, and I stumbled upon OT. OT stood out because its definition was the one that confused me the most which made want to read further about this unique profession.  

(Hasselkus & Dickie, 1990) asked OTs to describe their most satisfying practice experience and during this study 5 themes of meaning emerged.

·        Making a difference

·        Being valued

·        Sense of initiative

·        Sense of inventiveness

·        Agreeableness

The first 3 themes stood out to me. Making a difference: therapists described changes like providing an assistive device to help a client read, enabling a client to hold and care for their baby and discharging a client from an institution which they thought they would grow old in. my first ‘making a difference’ experience was very humbling and had me in tears; taking my spinal cord injury client outside for the first time in 2 months. Having not been referred to OT and Physio he didn’t have a wheelchair so he spent 2 months lying in supine in a hospital bed. His eyes lit up and his joy was infectious. These are the moments that keep me going, therefor I shall keep working towards them.  

Being valued by others; clients, parents and employers. Another therapist invented a "carpal tunnel prevention program" and presented it to the MDT. The program was implemented and each professional played their part. "What was most satisfying to me was being a valued, integrated part of that therapy program.", (Hasselkus & Dickie, 1990) the therapist reported. Secondary to wanting to make a difference, I want to be valued by others; for others to see my importance as an OT in contributing to the health and wellbeing of a client.

Sense of initiative. ‘A perception of being the primary initiator of a therapeutic modality rather than simply the respondent to a prescribed referral’ (Hasselkus & Dickie, 1990). To me this says, “Be innovative!”

The OT in me was born last year (second year) when we started fieldwork blocks which meant we got to actually work with patients (the lightbulb went on..”so this is what OTs actually do” I whispered to myself) as first year consisted of the foundation being laid for us.

To my relief my day was better than expected at prac on Tuesday; I received positive and educative feedback about the group I ran. We attempted the Human Knot as an ice-breaker (didn’t go as smoothly as I had hoped ☹) but what I learned was that groups require one to be flexible and able to think on the spot, as a rigid person who wants things to go according to who she has planned them, being able to think on the spot is a skill I plan on mastering. This week I began treating one of my clients, part of the treatment is refining her social skills (yes, very broad so my supervisor advised me to narrow it down and mention specific social skills). The irony of providing this treatment to my client is that I am also providing it to myself; I have difficulty maintaining a conversation and don’t mind the silence (LOL). Definitely by the end of this block both my client and I will have great social skills.

As you may have noticed that this blog has been a little different from the others; I revealed myself and my weak point a bit. I have always grappled with the idea of displaying my vulnerability to others thinking that they would capitalize on it and use it against me, so I always display strong front.  This week however, the reasoning behind us being tasked with writing blogs each week was revealed to me; blogs are meant to contribute to our personal and professional growth and enable us to be reflective therapists.

Challenges that I am throwing to myself for this block; master each day as it comes and slowly begin to display to others my anxious, vulnerable and some social skills lacking (LOL) self!

The journey of the nestling Occupational Therapist learning how to fly continues!

References

Hasselkus, B. R., & Dickie, V. A. (1990). Themes of Meaning: Occupational Therapists Perspectives on Practice. The Occupational Therapy Journal of Research, 10(4), 195–207. doi: 10.1177/153944929001000401

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad Accessed 8 August 2019

 Two interesting articles I came across this week

A psychiatric occupational therapy program as a teaching model. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 20, 61-67.

Smith, E., & Mackenzie, L. (2011). How occupational therapists are perceived within inpatient mental health settings: The perceptions of seven Australian nurses. Australian Occupational Therapy Journal, 58(4), 251–260. doi: 10.1111/j.1440-1630.2011.00944.x

[carolightpenvenys]

doctors chapter 5- a penvenys au

because y’all deserve this tell me your thoughts and feelings on this fic through ask, reblogs, comments and pms love u all

The days dragged for Dwight as he diagnosed more coronary heart disease, the occasional bout of flu and on one particularly exciting day, diabetes.

It was a Wednesday or maybe a Tuesday when he arrived in his office after changing a piss bag for some older patients and he went to his desk, expecting to find his lunch (which he did find- the grossest sandwich he'd ever seen and a kinder bueno) but instead found a note with his name on it in cursive print. It was addressed to Dwight but when he opened the flap, he saw it started:

Dear Dr Enys

It is really really boring on the new ward? It is full of people who aren't sick but are almost entirely hypochondriacs. I am in bed 73 now in case you were lost trying to find me.

It's been fine but a little bit of bad news- they had to break another rib as the cage wasn't aligning properly. It's fine though- I promised I wouldn't scream and I didn't.

My bed mate Michelle in number 72 (I am 73) has become my new garden friend but her conversation is not nearly as stimulating as yours. However her daughter bought her a flower press for her birthday and she let me borrow it so I hope you get the attached flower!

See you (hopefully) soon

Caroline

He stared down at the bluebell on the table, expressionless. He literally couldn't even calculate a response to this note. The tone of it was almost- seeking of companionship from someone lonely and Dwight felt desperately that although Demelza was her best friend, she shouldn't blockade everyone else off so she's her only friend. He felt sorry for her but he also wanted to reassure her that she was alright and potentially give her an ice pack for her bruised ribs.

But he couldn't, that was unprofessional

To: Verity

hey could you check caroline has an ice pack for her ribs and isn't feeling too lonely

hey could you check caroline has an ice pack for her ribs

Hey could you check Miss Penvenen has an ice pack for her ribs?

He felt proud with the professional way he was tackling this problem until he received a reply.

From: Verity

Can't you check it yourself? I'm not due to visit until this afternoon sorry xx

He sighed, knowing what he had to do. Did he have to do it? Before he knew it he'd stumbled onto the right ward and was looking for bed 73.

“Dr Enys.” Caroline said from behind the sheet. “I thought you'd never come.”

Damn it, she must've seen his silhouette. He absolutely couldn't do this. He could feel his palms become sweaty with guilt and before he could give it a second thought he left the ward.

He told himself he'd made the right decision as he ran a hand through his hair out of pure stress and knew he'd prefer this to getting a bollocking from Demelza later.

Maybe he could help Caroline but without direct contact maybe? He knew Demelza had clocked out a few hours ago as it was her day off.

Dwight Enys 2:40

Hey just saying if you need a friend to help you out at all with Sarah or to walk Horace or anything, I'm here to help :)

Dwight Enys 2:43

Maybe I'm overstepping sorry

Dwight Enys 2:45

Don't worry

Demelza Carne 2:50

Hey! Don't be a silly goose!! But honestly I'm fine Caroline is due to be discharged later this week even as soon as tomorrow maybe so we are fine :) I just want her to be safe so maybe staying away from all things Caroline would do you good you know? Lots of love, see you tomorrow!

He sighed. There was really very little he could do.

Feeling powerless, he headed into the break room where Ross was sat looking as tired as he felt.

“Here.” Dwight reached into his bag. “Have a kinder bueno.”

“I thought you'd never ask.” Ross sighed in relief but Dwight took a step back because he could only hear it in Caroline Penvenen’s voice.

“Dwight are you ok?” Ross asked in confusion.

“Yeah. Just tired.” Dwight replied almost too hastily. He had to throw Ross off the scent.

“Ah.” His face softened. “I feel you. Haven't slept in days.”

“Have you been walking Horace recently?” Dwight decided to slip in a sly question. He wasn't going to let this slip.

“Wait,” Ross nearly choked on his bueno. “You know about Horace?”

Dwight pursed his lips. “Yes. And Sarah.”

“And how do you think of Caroline now?” Ross enquired.

“No different to before.” Dwight didn't even hesitate. In a way he was lying because he did worry for Caroline’s independence and recovery a little more but overall, she was still the same innocent woman who sat among the bluebells with him the other day.

Ross sighed. “Demelza is an idiot. I love her but she's an idiot.”

Dwight raised his eyebrows in shock, “You love her?”

“This isn't about me and you know it.” Ross cut him off. “She's told you to stay away from Caroline but honestly it's just going to bring you closer together.”

“Not true.” Dwight stole the other half of Ross’s bueno and bit into it. “I ignored her just this morning.”

There was a tense silence anticipating Ross’s answer. “Verity told me you texted her.”

Damn it Verity. “Why did she rat me out?”

“She's my cousin Dwight. Anyway- if it counts, I won't say anything to Demelza.”

“You won't need to.” And at that point, Dwight screwed up the bueno wrapper and stood up, walking out of the break room in silence. He hadn't meant to sound so angsty, it wasn't really in his nature. He checked his schedule and saw he had few appointments that afternoon so he could just relax as he entered his office and-

“Verity?”

She looked caught red handed as her eyes widened dropping something on the floor.

A piece of paper.

Was that?

“I can explain-” she started but Dwight held a hand up, indicating that it was his turn to speak. I think he'd just about earned his right.

“What's that?” He gestured to the paper on the floor, already half knowing what it was.

“Don't be angry…” Verity looked genuinely concerned and Dwight had to end this.

“Angry?” He smiled. “I'm not angry, just a bit confused.” Which was true.

Her face instantly relaxed and Dwight felt so guilty for putting her under pressure. She moved a piece of hair behind her ear, barely making eye contact. “Caroline is desperate to see you.”

“I don't know why.”

“Dwight I'm going to have to ask you not to be so coy,” Verity said in the nicest way possible. “You know she’s so lonely up there, she gets no visitors. Plus your trip to the gardens meant a lot to her and sounded dead romantic I-”

“Wait, you know about that?” Dwight was mortified.

“She's so lonely Dwight.” She picked up the card and placed it on the table. “Just think about it.” And with that she left him alone in the doorway of his office not knowing what was what.

He slowly approached his desk and unfolded the note once again addressed to Dwight:

Dear Dr Enys

It seems that I think of you so often that I swear I saw you through the sheet around my bed this morning. I would have got up to say hello but I actually cannot move thanks to the bruising on my ribs.

I have heard that with constant visits to physio I can go home later this week! It will be good to be home but better if you come and visit me before I leave.

If you want me to stop with letters, all you have to do is say but I will keep you posted otherwise, as you seem to be ignoring me…

Can I add you on Facebook? Is that inappropriate? It's too late I've done it now I lost a bet with Verity (the best nurse in the world).

Anyway goodbye for now

Your esteemed friend

Caroline Penvenen

Before he could think what to do he grabbed some of his official looking paper with hospital footers and transcribed a reply.

Caroline,

I will come and see you at 4pm

Your esteemed friend

Dwight Enys

He pressed it into Verity’s palm when he sought her out in the corridor with a look saying, “you know what you have to do.”

It was 3:55 and Dwight was deciding whether to be fashionably late or on time.

Why would anyone want to be deliberately late? He thought the idea ridiculous and straightened his tie, running a hand through his hair before leaving the office, mentally scolding himself for overdoing it.

She was just a patient.

He tried to creep through the corridors unnoticed to get to Caroline on time. It was all going so well until-

“Dwight?”

He was stuck to the floor, unable to move. Why had he left it so late? God damn him.

“Yes Keren?” He turned around, cringing a little.

“I'm not even going to ask why you look like you just soiled yourself.” She started. “But we need you to watch a body.”

“No you see I'm-”

“What was that?” Keren raised her eyebrows expectantly. “Almost everyone has clocked out, some guy comes in needing life saving surgery. I'm not even going to ask you to perform it. Just go to his private room and make sure he doesn't die or anything.”

Dwight sighed, with a lump in his throat.

He didn't get home until past 11pm that night.

In another place in this universe, Caroline Penvenen forced Verity, fairly capable of watching a body, to clock out and buy her a dress so when she met Doctor Enys in the gardens again, she looked her best.

In this same place, Caroline waited outside with Verity until way past 8pm when they sat solemnly eating hospital food and not talking about what was happening.

When Dwight got home, he had two messages, equally as heartbreaking awaiting him.

Caroline Penvenen 21:20

Dear Dr Enys

I promise to contact you no more- but did you have to make such a fool of me? I can barely look Verity in the eye now because I made such an effort just to be stood up. It was clear I misinterpreted everything and now no doubt you hate me so much that you felt you had to humiliate me. I've taken back the friend request so you don't have to feel guilty when you decline it.

Caroline

He hastily clicked on her profile, he wanted to write back, he wanted to send her a friend request to show he was sorry.

But the feature was disabled.

So he was sat looking at a sad memory, wondering how things could've turned out if he was five minutes earlier.

Then he opened the second message.

Demelza Carne 21:24

I told you not to mess around with Caroline? How could you?

[lightfightingdarkness04]

Life is a Crazy Journey

Just thought I'd take the time to write a bit of a story about who I am. I think it's extremely important to make sure that everyone knows the person who is constantly posting on Instagram and Twitter about being uplifted, but unless you know me and my struggles, it can be difficult to interact fully if uplifting posts are all there is.

So I'm opening myself up to you for the very first time, a bit scary, but I hope it helps someone else who is going through similar circumstances.

I won't be using my name for personal preference and confidentiality purposes.

Get ready, this is my crazy journey through life!

Firstly I have a mild form of cerebral palsy which means I use a wheelchair to aid my mobility but I don't let that define me. I try to be  as normal as I can, sometimes it's hard because circumstances prevent me from doing a lot of things, but I do try to life as much of a normal life as I can.

It didn't really hit me with my disability when I was younger, I had a relatively normal and happy life, had loads of friends in infant school and primary, had my siblings constantly around and other family, such as my nan, life seemed easier looking back. Yes I had hospital appointments for chairs and physio, but I just accepted that as keeping me as mobile as I could be.

It was a different story entirely when I went to high school. I quickly learned that this new strange place wasn't the same. You had to pick a category here of who you were. The difficulty was that because of my disability I didn't really feel as if I fitted in any category. I felt isolated. As a result, I withdrew from everything. Once I was chatty and happy, now I didn't really speak that much. I was a loner in everything. School, at home, just life in general. My siblings leaving home and starting new lives of their own wasn't helpful either. I guess this is where my depression started.

I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but I know what it is from research. High school didn't help my confidence. Nobody bothered with me, one or two and I learned later that the people who did bother with me, only did it for their own means.

From there I went to college.

The difference!

I felt as if everything fell into place at that point in my life! I had friends again, and I was truly happy for 3 years! I felt like me again. The younger me. The happy me.

University followed.

That was okay but I didn't experience the same level of freedom I once had. The workload was immense. My nan passing away in the middle of my university course didn't help. That, along with the worry of not finishing the extensive workload brought me down deeper into a depressive state.

My nan told me "Never give up" before she passed, something I hold in good stead today.

I couldn't get a job when I graduated, a proper job, I had to settle for a volunteering job  because of the financial aspect of things. The 2 volunteering jobs I tried, one never had any work for me and the other had a problem with my disability and finished me.

That sent me spiralling again, the dark cloud returned with brute force. I wondered what was the point in anything. Then I remembered my nan's words.

So I sent my CV out to a number of different places, all to get knocked back... except one.

Currently, I have the best volunteering job which I absolutely love, and the family who I once had have returned with a vengeance and is a great support system to me. I'm also a member of an online forum community of like-minded people, which helps A. LOT.

I do get depressed like everyone who suffers, I do feel like I'm stuck in a rut sometimes, but I try my best to make the most out of life. I have a friend who I meet now and again for coffee and I'm currently in the process of finding a support worker to take me out so I can regain a bit of independence and have the social aspect of my life back.

I felt as if I wanted to share my experiences with you through social media and try to help people along the way.

Thank you so much for your support on the Instagram account, it means so much!

Remember @light_fighting_darkness is also on Twitter as @tunneltolight and Tumblr as lightfightingdarkness04

Thank you again for your continued support. #Togetherwecandoanything

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

The Catalyst - Part 2

I’ve always been a bit of an idealist and someone who stands up for myself. I’m not in any way confrontational, but when it comes to it, I’ll not be pushed about. I’ve always had strong values and beliefs, and truly believe that if someone can’t stand up for themselves, you stand up for them and advocate on their behalf. I guess that’s why I was so keen to be court lawyer. I always knew I was going to do Criminal Law - I just never expected it to be defence! You may meet those as guilty as sin, but ultimately, there are always those who truly need help and that was one of the things that always kept me going when the negatives of the job crept in.

Being the lawyer in the family, (although no longer), means I am the go-to for complaint letters. I write a mean complaint letter – articulate, but you sure as hell know I’ll not miss when I have a point to make. When it comes to my own postnatal care, I’ve mentioned how I wished I had argued more at the start and pushed to make sure I wasn’t signed off when my son could have been blinded by an e.coli infection in his eye at just one week old. I should have pushed back when I was told – ‘yeah I can feel all the way down to your bowel. Here’s a tubi grip and if needs be, get your GP to refer you to a physio at your 6 week check.’ My physio had that chat with me at the low point of my rehab. Contact patient relations – something was missed. That was the catalyst for what I very much hope will be major change.

To recap – I spoke with patient relations who put me in touch with the head of Maternity Services in Fife. I made it clear I wasn’t complaining - more investigating. This cannot happen again. She was very helpful and said she would have a clinical manager look into my notes and what process, if any, was followed. That was November. I should expect to hear something a few weeks later.

December came and I had my consult with Antony, as well as my ultrasound. I was feeling more positive and definitely felt there was progress and work to be done, but still hadn’t heard. When I finally did, they wanted me to meet face to face with Maternity Services and Physiotherapy. At last, something was happening! Finally, I would know what was missed.

The meeting took place in January. I had already seen my physio that just before Christmas. At that point she told me I should expect to hear soon – my notes had been requested by the clinical manager, and she had already been spoken to. Her interim manager had also been spoken to, and would likely be present at any meeting. The manager and a Maternity Services Manager (on behalf of the Head) were there with patient relations. My husband came with me. Initially I didn’t even think of having him there, but I was glad I did – another pair of ears, but a supporter who could relay my story from his point of view.

Here’s an obvious statement and I am pretty sure in any profession – including my own – we’ve always been told the merits of saying sorry when you’re wrong, and particularly in a situation that could result in legal action. It doesn’t always mean an admission of liability, but I have the feeling the NHS are so jaded from legal action that some are incapable of saying it. Sorry goes a long way. Half the time when I write a complaint, if there was an apology there wouldn’t be a complaint – admit you’ve done wrong and then make sure it never happens again. I made mistakes as a lawyer and I was dealing with someone’s liberty. I know the stakes are so much higher in the healthcare, medical etc professions, but the principle is the same.

I basically told them my story to the point I was at. I never mentioned my consults with Grainne or Antony – why should I? I did that through my own volition (thanks to my physio’s encouragement), and their kindness and generosity in hearing my story. I pay taxes and was cared for by the NHS. I was never abusive, I never took advantage. I was the model patient and more than that, I’m damn well-read on most things – I understood medical terms, I did my research and never put a foot wrong.

They were both sympathetic but it was the head of Physio (let’s call her Y) who said the words ‘I’m sorry.’ They aren’t the ones who need to apologise. The Physio department has done everything for me – how could they have done more if they didn’t know about me???

The woman from Maternity Services, let’s call her X, was that sympathetic way but more like ‘nothing we could do.’ I think that’s what pissed me off the most. It was almost like she was trying to make excuses. She told me that I wouldn’t have been seen within 8 weeks anyway, because the body takes that long to more or less go back to normal after giving birth – in terms of uterus etc. I already knew that (I did my research) but if I had been referred earlier, it wouldn’t have taken almost 4 MONTHS for my first appointment!!! Who knows what progress could have been made in that time. Are there referral processes in place? Her answer was any midwife can refer a patient to a pelvic health physio antenatally or postnatally at any point. So basically, I didn’t have to wait until my 6 week check with my GP and that midwife could have referred me. Or as I was told, I should have been examined on the ward and referred during my two night stay. ‘The uterus is still very much an abdominal organ at the point after giving birth, so it would have been impossible to tell about the diastasis.’ Really?! Then how was it that the community midwife felt my bowel two days later? I’m not suggesting it would have happened straight after giving birth, but if there is a referral process on the ward, why does it exist if these diagnoses can’t be made at that point? (My physio has since said what she said was rubbish!)

I pointed out I was examined by a student midwife before being discharged. Nothing against those learning – I’ve been there myself and we all have to start somewhere, but would it not make more sense to have someone supervising the student who isn’t even finished her degree at that stage?

Was anything in my notes then after it was discovered when I got home? ‘No.’

Just let that sink in – NO. A midwife examines your stomach and sinks her hand all the way down to your bowel. Is that normal? No. Is that a good sign? No. Is it significant? Yes. But let’s not bother writing that in the notes…REALLY?!?!?!? It takes a lot to render me speechless, but I’m quickly finding out that’s becoming all too common on my postpartum journey. If I didn’t write something material in a client’s file, it could mean something major missed and we lost in court – may have even led to the person being refused bail and put in jail. I could easily get disciplined at the very least, if not sacked. If someone medical leaves something out in someone’s notes, surely that’s on the same, if not a worse level of incompetence??!?!?!

Y was very kind – she was trying very hard to find a polite way of saying ‘you’re an extreme case.’ I think the words she used were – ‘cases like yours are uncommon.’ I acknowledged that I’ve learnt that very quickly and I’m not offended. She pointed out that she was so sorry because I am the type of person they need to see – not those with 1 or 2 finger/non-existent gaps. They explained there was meant to be a process but what made me realise how important this meeting was, was when Y asked me what did I want to happen. What had to change?

My physio had already told me they were going to put posters up on the labour wards about diastasis. I guess next time I’m there I’ll know they’re because of me. Posters aren’t really going to cut it though – there needs to be drastic change. How often are posters up on the walls at your work and no one pays a blind bit of notice to them? My husband pointed this very thing out. I told them they need them up in antenatal clinics as well. I unleashed my pent up anger at the breastfeeding agenda. I wasn’t abusive – I was just blunt. ‘No offence, but the breastfeeding agenda the NHS has is everywhere you look. Women have absolutely no idea about Diastasis. There should be as much about this, as there is about breastfeeding.’ I stand by my point – and it’s not just because breastfeeding epically failed me either. Those of you who receive a Bump Birth Baby book at your booking appointment. Have you noticed (or maybe not) that there’s a minuscule paragraph on mastitis? I got it twice in two weeks, with an abscess requiring referral to the breast clinic. Thrush? Nothing on it at all. I got it within two weeks of giving birth. Diastasis? Not a damn thing. I appreciate you don’t want to scaremonger, but can you at least mention it and direct people to where they can get help? Is that really so much to ask? This is what I pointed out.

Y then asked me if I had known about Diastasis before this happened. Everyone knows the answer to this – no. How could I? I’m a firsttime mum and not even those qualified to tell me, told me about it.

That then leads me on to the next point I hammered home. Midwives are not trained properly. They have next to no clue about this and that’s what worries me the most. I appreciate they have no control over the University course, but training on the job should be mandatory. Your muscles separating during pregnancy may be normal, but no one knows about it. This means people are returning to exercise without knowing what they can and can’t do, potentially causing further damage. If this is a result of pregnancy, why the hell don’t know they about it???

There’s a common theme here you may have noticed – Y is doing all the talking. I think X is frightened that if she says too much I’ll go into legal mode (I did drop it in). Y said she was aware they would need to collaborate more and get training organised. Apparently, they are now under the same line management and collaboration should be much easier. She said would I be happy to be contacted? I agreed and said I’d be happy for my name to be used in any case studies etc, but also happy to be used physically in any training. Practical training is surely best for any practical role.

X’s parting offering, was to suggest she get the newly allocated perinatal mental health midwife to give me a call. Probably because my husband gave a rather frank assessment on what this has done for my mental health. Parenting is hard enough without this on my plate, and the news it might never improve. I agreed she could contact me, all the while thinking, I doubt much will come of this (more on that later).

I’d like to think when I left the room, there was a sigh of relief from Maternity Services. I still made it clear how much I respected the midwives and I wasn’t there to make a complaint. However, as I said in the meeting, I’m confident enough to advocate on my own behalf, but what about those who can’t? What about those are who don’t have the support I do?

I’d also like to think they looked at each other and realised they have some serious work to do. This meeting may have been a catalyst for change, but this has to be the beginning, not ‘thank god we dodged a bullet.’

My physio told me some shocking information. She had sent someone from her department in the hospital where I gave birth on a fact-finding mission. Asking a variety of midwives on the labour and postnatal ward about their knowledge of diastasis and what they would do. Newly qualified; those at the end of their careers; those from different health boards who had transferred etc. Some knew what it was under different guises (rectus sheath, DRA, diastasis); others had no clue. Some had a vague idea of what they would do; others had no clue. One person, ONE PERSON knew what it was, and the process of how to assess and then refer. That one person was relatively newly qualified, but had trained in Edinburgh, where apparently, this is standard practice. So because I live over the bridge, a mere few miles from Edinburgh, I got the shit end of the stick when it came to care for my diastasis. How can this not be standard practice ACROSS THE NATION? Across every practice involved in the care of pregnant women and those who are in the postnatal period? Let alone across two health boards separated by a bridge over a river less than 20 miles from each other.

When I saw my own physio after the meeting it was interesting to hear what Y had relayed. She basically told my physio and her colleague they would have to put a training plan in place for midwives, and my physio would be more than likely the one to run it. She told me she would start looking at it after Grainne’s conference, with the most up to date information available. I realised in that moment that we were both on the brink of bringing about real change to antenatal and postnatal practice. I said to her – ‘you are in a position to make something happen. You could be breaking ground with this training.’ If this comes off, my suffering won’t be for nothing. I will not have been through all of this in vain. That’s what I’ve wanted since the start. If my blog helps one person to know to get seen by someone before returning to exercise; it if helps that GP be a better doctor in those 6 week checks; if it helps an aspiring midwife improve their knowledge; if it helps that new mum get through the day; and if my experience of Diastasis helps those who come after me, then none of this will have been in vain. That’s what keeps me going when I hit rock bottom. And if I can be a catalyst for change, then no one should suffer as I have suffered.

[neureaux]

i’ve been feeling alright, lately! but i’m having some like, body stuff. so let’s get real for a minute.

a lot of the time, i tend to do this thing where i do stuff that everyone does and say yes to stuff that i know that i can’t do for as long as possible until my body is at breaking point; like i just sit in positions that i know are hurting me bc i don’t want to make a scene, i have to contort my spine so weirdly and support it excessively to be comfortable and i can’t bring myself to indulge that more than just a little with others(in this way, i think that the electric wheelchair may actually end up being a physical relief however much i dread it), i don’t fuss about steps or stairs or hills or when people forget about heavy doors or moving chairs or lifting/dragging, i don’t protest when people decide to walk ‘because it’s shorter’ or ‘it’s a nice day out anyway’ and i do it with this performative posture with so much added pressure on my walker and c-spine, like i fashion my body as if i don’t need to be taking careful, measured steps and wrench at my hips and spine to take similar strides to everyone else and push against my limited flexion areas to like reach for things or gesture as normally and smoothly as i can manage literally until i can’t take the pain anymore lol like it sends shocks through my body and i think it’s a sign of where ptsd & physical health actually cross over, because i’m so used to instinctively trying to appear normal, make myself smaller and grit my teeth/steel myself through discomfort both during my past and over the last decade through my active symptoms that i do it emotionally and physically and i’m always really hurt after i go out! (i know this bit isn’t totally rational, but sometimes i wish that someone could learn to read me just well enough to gently stop me sometimes - but i know i have to learn to stop myself too. imagine that kind of emotional care and understanding, though?)

by the time i ever say offhand ‘i’m hurting/achy’ or flinch at some pain, i’ve reached a stage where my pain is hitting a point where i know i can’t control my reaction as well anymore - but something about mentioning it even then feels really viscerally wrong and it makes me feel guilty and dramatic. i can only ever speak up around my disabled friends when they mention their pain, bc it feels like i have permission to admit that it hurts then? and with able bodied people, that short permission doesn’t feel like it ever truly comes in my mind and i know it’s me, and some self-worth issue. it doesn’t make sense logically, because i’ve been prescribed my walking aides and wheelchairs for 8-9 full years, i’ve has my diagnoses but i know that it feels in part like some sort of request for softness and patience that might not feel deserved. i don’t really understand properly yet. i don’t know when i developed this complex but over the past few months, i’ve really been noticing it and i really want to try to stop or find some middle ground, because my condition is worsening and i feel like i don’t know how to say ‘this is what i can do today’ properly and i’ve been worried about the effects of that, especially bc lately i’m having much more pain when i’m not doing anything either. i have trouble sleeping even on good sleep days bc it’s just painful & i’m trying to figure out how to navigate losing flexion in my arms, it’s a pretty painful and unpredictable movement limit too, it’s not limp-ness, more of a tight elastic band type of restriction with the shocks and i think i’m just even more self-conscious of not allowing it to be seen more than it needs to be because it’s new and i’m just falling into that loop of trying to hide it again even sub-consciously? it’s tricky. i know i can’t totally hide it and i don’t, but i don’t know why i approach it in such an unhealthy and unhelpful way for myself though i don’t want to just surrender to that now that i know, so i’m in an uncomfortable transitional period with that at the moment.

sometimes i feel kind of angry, my body seems to hurt from just existing like everyone else sometimes; like yesterday, my friend came by to see me and by the end i was so achy that it was hard to sleep, it was awful. just from normal things, like sitting in an ‘acceptable’ way and going to grab things for her and picking up and moving things or leaning for things, i just find it so bizarre that my spine is this way at such a young age! so sometimes in private, i just feel really disgruntled by it, but i don’t allow myself to really wallow for long. even writing this feels wrong but i know that it’s just the lot i’m given, and it could be much worse! i’m grateful that for the most part it’s steady with some peaks and flows in terms of pain/discomfort but sometimes i just have to stop for five minutes to just let myself be angry, especially whilst i’m just trying to lay down or get up and do something at home and it just hurts so thoroughly or isn’t working at all - so, that’s what i do. but i think i will need to figure out some ways to manage this more healthily too because ignoring or avoiding does not cut it, either for personal life stuff, mental health stuff or physical health stuff. i don’t want to live like that anymore. i’m figuring it out, slowly.

i noticed something that made me feel embarrassed somehow too, which is that my weight has changed so much that all my actual underwear is too big and i feel like i don’t know when it happened, but it seems fast. i bought a gown for dinner last week and got measured(a weird experience in itself) and it was the first size 6 (US 2) that i’ve bought in like 5 years plus and since then, i feel like i’ve been noticing all at once that my clothes don’t fit - i think it’s partially because i like wearing baggy clothes so it didn’t matter that much, but like... my underwear? that’s so weird it like flusters me but i guess i need to just buy all new then? bc it’s like physically falling off at this point and it’s making me not want to go out! but i find the idea of buying all new stuff in new sizes a bit daunting because if my body changes again then i’ll have a bunch of clothes that i can’t wear lol? which seems like a horrible experience and i feel kind of fragile, i don’t want to deal with that sort of thing at the moment. i’m thinking about this a lot because i have to get some new stuff for physio and i’ve only just learned what size i am too, i was putting it off a bit before but i’ll have to get it done. generally, i just feel a bit frustrated with having a body at all. i feel like being a floating orb entity would involve much less pain and awkwardness - but yeah, i’m having some body stuff.

i feel okay today though, it’s finally a totally free day to cook & read, and i’ve been using my nice heat pads, which are giving my ol’ bones some tlc since my spine was being tricky and i didn’t sleep that well last night, so i’m enjoying it and i’m liking just taking pleasure in the little things today. the sun’s shining and i watered my plants! its really tidy at home, it’s been nice to see and hug my friends and though next week is a really treatment heavy week with another physio session starting (which means losing yet another weekday to appointment slots!) i think i’ll be okay, bc it feels good that i’m busy because i’m being patched up. i think it’s important to make sure i heal right so that i have strong foundations to thrive in my newest goals as well as my existing ones! feeling that bit softer after getting my complaints & thoughts off of my chest too. happy saturday!