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ineffable-suffering · 1 year ago

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The Jane Austen Ball and why it was never about Nina and Maggie

Otherwise known as (*takes a deep breath*): A completely inflated close-up look at various dialogues and events of Season 2 that prove that the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeeper's Association Meeting Cotillion Ball was supposed to be Aziraphale's confession to Crowley

Look, the point's been made before but that's never kept me from making it myself again, still. In fact, even I made it before, at the end of one of my other metas. But I feel like it's absolutely worthy enough to get its own soppy, way-too-long post. And I do love it so very much to write ridiculously long essays on something that could easily be condensed into a short paragraph.

So, here we go! Snuggle up, get cozy, settle in and, most importantly:

(Word count: 3.177 | Reading time: ~13 minutes)

As I already said above, I laid out a similar case in my meta about why Aziraphale is somewhat of an unreliable narrator. I'll try and recycle it here briefly, so I can further make my point.

When Aziraphale arrives back in London from his Edinburgh journey, he seems oddly happy and giddy for the fact that he just had a rather odd and threatening encounter with Shax. I explain in my other meta that this is because he just spent the last hours of his drive reminiscing on the thrilling and romantic magic show adventure of 1941 and also the fact that he just found out that Crowley has been replaced by Shax and no longer works for Hell.

Ergo: We have a hopelessly lovesick Principality at our hands, who's practically swooning over his serpent who saved him, his books and his magic show all those years ago.

Ergo:

✨This✨

Realistically, Aziraphale should probably be a tad worried about the eery encounter with Shax, in which she definitely had the upper hand on him. But well, if you spend many-a hours driving across the serene countryside (Edinburgh is about an 8-hour drive from London), pondering on one of the craziest, sticky-sweet romantic adventures of your not-life life, well ... things tend to turn a little rosy around the edges. Head in the clouds and all that. Light shades of grey!

Alright, onwards: Once the angel, filled to the very brim with fond memories and butterflies, gets out of the Bentley, he's kindly met with a face full of verdant plants and a very in-character-grumpy Crowley.

Fhwack! Way to burst the rosy bubble.

Seriously, the absolute lightning speed with which Crowley storms out to vacate the bookshop the very second Aziraphale arrives makes me giggle every time.

Let's make a first small (who am I kidding) diversion into analysing the following conversation in unnecessary detail ...

... simply because I enjoy quoting dialogue as an accurate reference in my metas. I'll also highlight certain passages I want to comment on in individual colours so I can back up my thoughts with them below. Alright, their little chinwag goes as follows:

Crowley: "They you are! I was worried something might have happened to you." Aziraphale: "No, nothing happened to me. Very uneventful journey indeed. No strange things at all." Crowley: "Good. That's what we wanna hear." Aziraphale: "Um .. everything okay with- ah.." *nods to the bookshop* Crowley: "Oh, yeah, fine. He's singing to himself. I think he must have been asleep. I heard snoring coming from his bedroom–" Crowley, to the Bentley: "Did you miss me? I bet you did." Aziraphale: "... I'm sure it did." Crowley: "So, any more clues from the mystery of the missing archangel?" Aziraphale: "Not exactly. Or, if there are, I haven't yet cracked the case. But I'm certainly hot on the trail of something." Crowley: "I'm sure you are. Oh, by the way, the whole sudden rain and awning thing was a complete washout." Aziraphale: "Sorry?" Crowley: "You know, project making Nina fall in love with Maggie. I failed, it's your go." Aziraphale: "I see. Well then, Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeeper's Association Monthly Meeting, here we come!" Crowley: "You're really hosting the meeting?" Aziraphale: "Absolutely! And I can guarantee you, it will be a night to remember."

At first glance, this has little to do with the plot of this meta but actually, it folds into my point very nicely! However, it's not time for that yet, so we'll just state the facts as they are for now and then bring them back 'round later when we need them. That being said: For the love of Someone, will these two ever manage to simply tell each other the truth of what happened instead of thinking they can protect each other by lying about it all the time? Hrmpf. As a big fan of open communication myself, I'm close to developing a stomach ulcer with the amount of false truths being spewed here. (Then again – and yes, that is another, way larger meta I'm currently cooking up – it plays so very perfectly into the whole Jane-Austen-Pride-and-Prejudice tragic miscommunication theme that this entire Season has, so I understand the point of it.)

Very uneventful journey indeed, Aziraphale, except for the fact that you were ambushed by a demon who told you she was Crowley's successor, knows about the rumors of the two of you being an item as well as what went down in 1941 (that almost had both of you exposed) and also seems to have figured out where you and your demon boyfriend are hiding Gabriel, all in the span of about a minute. No strange things at all, nooo!

And Crowley's "Oh yeah, fine" is a total lie too. Again, we see him make an absolute run for it before Aziraphale can even enter the bookshop. After all, he just once again witnessed Jim have a Gabriel-flashback, speaking of the Second Coming, while Crowley was alone with him. As fumingly angry he is with the amnesiac archangel – he's also absolutely terrified of what might happen (to him and Aziraphale) should Jim regain his memories. So, no wonder he's quick to vacate the premises after witnessing Jim's rather eery memory flashback (and was, just like Aziraphale, threatened by Shax mere moments later, lol).

But no, nothing out of the ordinary happened to either of them. Tip-top. Absolutely tickety-fucking-boo.

Alright, let's get back on track with the actual topic of this meta. Certainly hot on the trail of something, hm? At first glance, it might seem like Aziraphale is talking about the fact that Gabriel was in company of someone whenever he went to the Resurrectionist Pub. (The clue!) However, I don't actually think he is talking about that. Why? Because, and this slipped my mind too at first, he never actually follows any of this information up, does he? Yes, sure, he went to Edinburgh, found the capital-c Clue and then returned to London. But what does he do with it? Nothing. He doesn't keep investigating this hot trail because that's not the important thing he realized during his journey. No, the more important clue Aziraphale found during his trip, is that Crowley no longer works for Hell and that he is also very much irrevocably in love with him and must confess this at the earliest given chance. (The latter part isn't necessarily a new discovery for Aziraphale, but it surely is fuelled by the fact that he just realized Crowley's out of a Hellish job and simply hasn't told him yet.)

This exchange just the perfect indicator for the fact that Aziraphale, at no point during his drive back, was thinking about the Maggie and Nina mission. He has no idea what Crowley is talking about once he mentions it and seems surprised, even, that he would. Even though they just talked about it on the phone when Aziraphale was still at the graveyard. Which is another important piece of evidence because it means that the last status update Aziraphale got of Mission Lovebirds, was that Crowley had sensed an opportunity to make them fall in love – and had then hung up on him. Why is this important? Because it means that until that very point of their conversation, Aziraphale did not know that Crowley's attempt had failed! There would have been just as much of a chance of Crowley's weather miracle actually working out and Maggie and Nina already having skipped into the sunset happily ever after.

So, riddle me this:

Why would Aziraphale spend the entire ride back from Edinburgh plotting "a night to remember" (because clearly, he already had the entire Ball planned out down to a T in his head since he goes into action right away after arriving) if he didn't even know yet that Crowley's attempt had failed?

To be very clear here: We're not talking about Aziraphale driving on the M1 to London, having a silly little idea for putting on some good music, miracle-ing Nina and Maggie to dance to it and watch them confess their love–

No.

He planned an entire actual Cotillion Ball with very particular location design that involves re-arranging the entire bookshop, specifically designed individual outfits for (almost) every single attendee, topped off with a live band, hors-d'��uvre, drinks and an actual choreographed group dance.

During one car ride.

Where's the party planner Aziraphale AU? I'm waiting!

Now, sure, we know that it's still quite important for Aziraphale to convince Heaven of the faux-reason they gave for their accidental ✨25-Lazarii miracle✨. But if we're all honest, this all seems to be a tad much just to make two random humans fall in love, even for that.

Glittery ball gowns and suits? Red and gold wall curtains? A modified language filter? Bloody vol-au-vents?

Talk about over the top ...

Once we start S2E5, Crowley is still surprised at the mere fact that Aziraphale is actually planning to organize the Monthly Meeting – and he doesn't even know yet that it's gonna be the most extravagant ball-boogaloo that the Whickber Street Community has ever seen! Aziraphale wanting to organize the meeting alone, is enough to render Crowley incredulous, because Aziraphale never mingles with the other shopkeepers. He usually actively avoids them and any sort of social encounters as much as he can because he doesn't care about the bloody Christmas lights, alright?

These things seem mundane and uninteresting to him, obviously, since all he really cares about is hoarding his book collection in peace like the little hedonist he is and drawing as little attention as possible to his none-business business.

Oh, right, speaking of books:

Let's take another unnecessarily detailed look at the whole Whickber Street invitation scene:

Aziraphale realizes very quickly that he's not the only one who's quite unenthusiastic about the blessed Chritsmas lights. And despite his very persuasive methods of temptation ...

... he has to take some more drastic measurements. And those are?

That's right: Giving away his books.

I'll repeat it again, slowly: Aziraphale is willingly (!) giving away or lending his books to pretty much complete strangers to, allegedly, make two other humans strangers fall in love.

Seriously, who is that angel and what has he done with our prim, fussy, hedonistic Aziraphale that protects his books with the vice grip of an eagle carrying his precious prey?

Believe in the importance of Mission Lovebirds as much as you will, but we're talking about Mr. A.Z. Fell here who, over the past millennia, has pretty much spent every day actively working out methods to stop people from purchasing as much as a single paperback from his holy shelves.

And yet: the 1965 September Dr. Who Annual? Given away. The first edition of Expert at the Card Table that was S. W. Erdnase's personal copy? Lent away to grubby human hands to fondle around with.

Let's do another coloured dialogue diversion (don't worry, it's not as extensive as the last one):

Crowley: "You just did what I think you did?" Aziraphale: "I'm not prepared to talk about it." Crowley: "You gave away a book." Aziraphale: "I had to! Maggie and Nina are depending on me. They just don't know it yet."

Crowley backs up my point: This is a huge deal. Aziraphale does not sell his books – let alone give them away for free. We're all shocked! Flabbergasted!

And the explanation Crowley and us get just ... doesn't satisfy. Something and someone sure is depending on this Ball and doesn't know it yet. But it's most definitely not Maggie and Nina, folks.

You know for whom Aziraphale would give away his books in the blink of an eye, though?

Mhm, that's right.

This pretty old serpent.

I want to take a minute to show you the reaction again that Aziraphale has upon entering the very same magic shop him and Crowley went to in 1941 to acquire the Bullet Catch:

You ... you need a minute there, angel? You're sure looking a little ... affected.

And I mean, well, no wonder. He reminisced about that very memory four hours last night. To him, this shop is where the most turbulent, ecstatic, adrenaline-fuelled and romantic night of his life began. And it shows.

I've made my point in my other meta series about how Aziraphale is an incredibly nostalgic character. He romanticizes so many things in his memories – especially the parts that feature Crowley. So, it doesn't surprise me in the slightest that he's once again willing to loosen the tight grip he has on his book collection to get the successor of Will Goldstone's Magic Shop, the shop that started it all for him, to come to his fancy Ball.

As we watch Aziraphale and his little lap dog demon pat around Soho, I'd like to take another second to point out that he goes to seven or more establishments before he even invites Nina.

... and he only does so because she starts talking to them on the street. Almost like he'd forgotten about it. Why not ask her at the very beginning? To establish whether or not he'd have to book-blackmail her too?

"Perfectly ordinary invitation with no hidden agenda of any kind", except that he's using you and Maggie as a pretence to resolve his own clusterfuck of a relationship-miscommunication Jane-Austen-style so that he can then hopefully confess his undying love to his demon not-boyfriend boyfriend.

Marvellous!

You'll forgive me another short diversion but my God, the whole exchange at the Marguerite's restaurant with Crowley literally cat-call-whistling Aziraphale over to him (and Aziraphale checking if he meant someone else first, I–)? I am weak. So, so weak and

However, this is also when we get a snippet of Crowley finally revealing the truth in place of his "Oh, he's fine"-lie earlier and telling Aziraphale that he's actually pretty scared Jim might turn back into Gabriel and smite him altogether. And Aziraphale's response is, in a cosmic sense, (remember the pink paragraph now) so hilarious:

"Have you thought of just talking to him?"

Yeah, have you? Have any of the two of you? Just thought about talking? To each other? About anything?

'pparently not. But hey, it's all good because remember what the ultimate remedy for star-crossed lovers simply misunderstanding each other is?

Bish, bash, bosh, problem solved!

Back at the ballroom bookshop, Aziraphale sends Crowley to invite Maggie in order to, in my opinion, not spoil the Ball-y surprise for him. (Inviting Maggie only now?! Wouldn't she be one of the only two guests who really should attend? Why the short notice? If she's really that important for the Ball you're planning, hm?)

On top of this, we see Nina almost not attending the Ball meeting after her partner broke up with her and Crowley being the one who coincidentally runs into her and ushers her into the bookshop before Shax and her "legion" of demons start creeping up on them. Again, if this hadn't happened by pure coincidence, Nina would have left to go home and this whole Ball would have taken place without her, rendering the apparent sole purpose of making her fall in love with Maggie useless.

Why doesn't Aziraphale care more for both of them to attend and be there? Why is he instead busy fussing over everything looking perfect and wonderful and doesn't even seem to notice that both Nina and Maggie are really late to the meeting?

Well. Well.

The answer's in the title, babes.

Alas, Crowley safely gets Maggie and Nina to join them, Mr. Brown is the only one who doesn't get a miracled outfit (fussy, petty angel, you just don't like him, do you?), Jimbriel stuns with glamour and flirt (and whatever sexually suggestive thing he does with his cheeks) and the Whickber Street Ball is a-go!

Sorry, I just had to chuck this in again because Crowley's face here absolutely kills me every time. He looks so confused, I am hollering.

And the heart eyes Aziraphale is making at Nina and Maggie now that they're actually here?

Oh, bless it, angel.

He's all like "Oh look, it's working! Jane was right! It's all going to be resolved, all the misunderstanding and quarrels! Crowley, where's Crowley–"

Ah yes, there he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is an angel who is not listening to a single word being said right now. No, in his head, Aziraphale is already down on one knee, pouring his heart out to Crowley after they just danced the night away.

Oh, yes, right. The dancing.

Parallel much?

But well, as marvellous and beautifully romantic as her stories tend to be, it turns out that Jane Austen isn't always right after all. Because before we know it, the perfect night shatters into many-a tiny pieces (literally).

And once again, fhwack:

... the rosy bubble bursts.

Let's take one more deep breath so I can make my final point:

In S2E2, Aziraphale explains to us very exactly what Jane's Balls (hrhr) used to be about: Solving miscommunication and confessing love to one another.

During his car journey back from Edinburgh, Aziraphale:

doesn't know Crowley's Mission Lovebirds had failed

remembers 1941 and just how badly he's in love with Crowley

and also realizes that they seem to have been wildly miscommunicating for quite some time now. (Crowley didn't even tell him he basically got let go!)

So, what does maddeningly strong love plus a want to resolve all the miscommunication equal? That's right: A night to remember! A Ball to change it all! A dance, a vol-au-vent, a confession. And, ideally, a happy ever after. Because:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man angel in possession of a good fortune Jane Austen collection, must be in want of a wife demon husband.”

The Ball was never for Nina and Maggie. As a byproduct, maybe, yes. But the whole rest of the glimmer and glamour, the careful, romantic planning and set up of it all, the book-bating the other shopkeepers– that was for Crowley and Crowley only.

And oh, if only it were as easy as in the books.

*whispers* I'm sorry, I had to.

***

Your honour, the tinfoil-hat crackpot defence rests. Feel free to share thoughts (and prayers) if you want to!

Au revoir! 💗

#good omens season 2 #good omens #gos2 #go2 #good omens 2 #good omens meta #good omens s2 #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #my own meta #the bloody vol-au-vents made me do it #aziraphale has balls #truly #jaune austen ball #it is a truth universally acknowledged that this show is going to drive me out of my mind #azi just wanted his silly little love confession #but then he had to surrender the angle #bummer

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oceaneyesinla · 3 months ago

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I started writing this in July, and the first few paragraphs have been sitting in my drafts for months. A bolt of inspiration hit me after a rough week, and here it is. It was so cathartic to put all of this into words, and I think it's turned out pretty great.

CW: suicidal ideation, discussion of death, heavy reference to depression - please proceed with caution if any of this affects you. This is pretty heavy, but there is a hopeful ending. Below a cut just in case

Anyone who can relate to this, I'm sorry, and I hope things get brighter for all of us

divider by @/cafekitsune

Sunrise

You're not sure long you've been up here. Long enough for the sunlight of day to fade into the darkness of dusk. You stopped paying attention to the time when you turned your phone off, unable to stomach the worried messages from those who love you - or at least they claim to. Whether you are someone capable of being loved is a question you ask more and more every day.

Part of you wants to hop up onto the wall, to sit on the edge and stare down on the city lights. You know better than to stare into the abyss, however - nothing good will come from tempting yourself and fate.

You don't want to die. Not really. You want this to stop. You want to smile so wide it makes your cheeks ache, and you want to bask in the sound of your own laughter again, like you did before the demons that haunt your mind took that from you too.

There's an empty hole inside of you, all jagged edges and tender flesh. You can't help but wonder if that marks the place where your soul should sit; if that gaping wound in your psyche should be filled with warmth and light and love. You think it was, once. You know it still is, sometimes. When you sit around a restaurant table with Jiro and Mina and Momo and Tsu, chatting about the latest pro hero rankings or whatever 'secret' the gossip magazines think they've uncovered this week. When you meet up with lzuku to go hunting for new All Might merch, Bakugo trailing behind pretending he's not just as excited as you are. When your schedules align and all of your school friends gather together and you end up refereeing an intense bout of Mario Kart.

When you're surrounded by your friends, you feel almost human. You can almost believe you deserve to love and be loved in return. You almost believe whatever is broken inside you is worth fixing.

You step towards the edge, elbows on the waist high concrete as you lean over, trying to take what small comfort you can from the city living and breathing below. Streetlights are beginning to flicker on, and the billboards and buildings are glittering like a starlit sky. You've never put your finger on why, but the city lights have always made you feel just a little less empty.

Would it really be so bad if this was the last thing you saw? You could close your eyes and find your peace in those lights burned into your eyelids and wind rushing all around you. The world would continue to turn, and your friends would find a way to exist without you. You're not so for gone that you can't admit it would hurt them, at first. They're nothing if not resilient, though; after everything you've all been through, you know they will be just fine.

You push up onto your tiptoes, leaning just a little further. It's so tempting, the idea of escaping, of finally feeling anything but broken.

A soft call of your name stops your thoughts in their tracks. You would know that voice in a chorus of thousands.

"Shoto. Why are you here?" Why would he bother ? Why would he seek you out? Why does he think you're worth even a second of his time?

You're not looking at him, but you can feel the concern radiating off him. For his sake, you take a step back - the last thing you want is to worry him. You suppose you would be worried too, in his position.

"Denki called me when you stopped answering his texts. He's worried about you." He doesn't voice his own worry, but you feel it all the same. You can imagine his furrowed brow, and the frown settling across his pretty face, and your stomach aches uncomfortably.

"How did you find me? I turned my phone off." Partly to isolate yourself, and partly to avoid anyone coming to find you. They all have more important things to do - none of them should have to deal with you like this.

Footsteps signal Shoto's approach, but you don't mind. Your selfish desire for comfort and connection overrides the shame and guilt building in your gut. He stops when he's standing next to you, shoulders only millimetres apart. You get the impression he longs to move closer.

"You always come up here. Best view of the city." His words are nonchalant, fact of the matter. As if he hasn't pressed a tiny Band-Aid over the hole in your soul, just by knowing that tiny, insignificant facet of who you are. You turn your head to look up at him, and he's already watching you. Mismatched eyes meet your own, and you feel like he's seeing all the broken pieces you've tried so hard to tape back together. That should terrify you, but it's him. If anyone can be trusted with the last struggling embers of your heart and your hope, it's Shoto.

Tears start to sting at your eyes, and you don't bother to stop them from making hot tracks down your cheeks. It's only when Shoto shrugs off his jacket and wraps it around your shoulders that you realise you're trembling. Whether it's because of the cold or the emotions running through you doesn't matter, because the residual warmth and familiar scent of Shoto's deodorant will soothe you all the same.

Shoto watches as you slip your arms into the sleeves, and he reaches out with deliberate care, holding out his hand to you in silent offer. You don't know what he's planning, but is it really important when you would follow him anywhere? He's already proved he'll do the same for you tonight.

You place a still shaking hand in his, and the smile he gives you is like a lighthouse in a storm. He cradles it reverently between both of his before rolling up the sleeve of his jacket. He repeats his actions for the other hand, and once he's done, he hesitates for a second before lifting your hand so he can drop a kiss to your knuckles. He lets your hand fall to your side, but he doesn't let go. Neither do you.

Sunlight breaks through your stormy skies - his warm side is closest to you, his hand toasty and soothing in yours, and something fledgling and hopeful tells you he planned it that way. Planned to reach out to you, planned to warm you from the inside out.

"Stay with me tonight." You open your mouth to protest, but you're silenced by the silent anguished desperation in his eyes, "Please."

"Okay."

Another warm little smile and a squeeze of your hand. His relief is palpable, and you make a mental note to thank Denki for raising the alarm. You don't know what you would have done if you stayed alone up here, but you know there's a chance you would have made a decision you couldn't come back from.

You don't want to die. Not really. You just want to feel the sun on your skin without always waiting for the stormclouds to roll in and obscure what makes your life worth living.

"You can make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. I could ... come with you, if you like?" He looks so hesitantly hopeful, and a tiny smile tugs at your lips as you nod your approval. The two of you have been tentatively plotting a path towards each other since your school days; growing closer with every late night conversation and casual daytime adventure. Life together feels inevitable, which is why neither of you is in any rush - you would wait an eternity for him, just as he would for you.

Surrounded by him and reminded of the love your friends freely offer, rational thought is slowly but surely coming back to you. You're not okay, not by any means, but you want to be. You think you could be, with your friends by your side.

You don't know how long you've been up here, but as Shoto leads you away from the edge of the roof, his hand still warm in yours, you think it's been long enough.

#rox writes #todoroki x reader #shoto x reader #shouto x reader #todoroki shoto x reader #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #shouto todoroki x reader #cw sui mention #tw sui ideation #please let me know if any other tags are needed

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ddarker-dreams · 1 year ago

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Hellooooo I have been DYING to know this from you 👉👈. You know how there's a lot of tips for writing stuff? Well do you happen to have any tips for reading stuff? I want to read the books you recommend but I fear I'm just too dumb 😭 and won't understand what is going on let alone the themes and philosophies discussed. I feel like I would be insulting Dostoevsky by reading his work looool. We were never taught this stuff in schools ;O

I'm talking about critical thinking and analysis skills, media literacy, being able to picture and visualise sceneries; characters' voices/appearances etc., and just overall being able to comprehend one sentence that doesn't use the most basic active voice structure 😭 thank you if you choose to answer!!!!

SWEET ANON !!!! YOU ARE NOT DUMB !!!!

this is coming from a survivor of the american education system, so it might not be universal, but my experiences in middle/high school made me dislike reading books. no joke. i didn't see the point and thought reading the classics was a waste of time. i'm sure that's partially teenager arrogance, but from the conversations i've had with others, reading was rarely framed in a way that stoked intrigue. we're not given the tools to engage with the text so i'm rarely surprised when i see the worst takes imaginable on a piece of media i enjoy from a 14 year old.

i'm still learning myself when it comes to media literacy, it's an ongoing journey. when i read notes from underground for the first time last year i was literally so confused. i can normally read anywhere from 80k-100k words in one day if i'm motivated enough, but NFU, a novella at around 43k words, took me over a week.

i say all this to reassure you that you're not alone!

some advice that comes to mind when reading a dense work:

do some background research on the author. i know teachers hiss at wikipedia for some reason but reading a few paragraphs about the person's life, beliefs, politics, etc really helps put their writing into perspective.

look into the time period it was written. what were the pressing social issues at the time? who was in charge? what conflicts were ongoing/just ended? what was the predominant religion? books don't exist in a vacuum, a lot of the classics are filled with jabs at ideologies the author doesn't like (i'm looking at you, dante).

if the author's from a different country than you, getting a basic grasp on the culture helps a lot. with reading dostoevsky specifically, historical events like the emancipation of the serfs was an entirely new concept to my american brain.

not everything is going to make sense. sometimes the cultural/historical layers go so deep you'd need to have been alive at the time to immediately get it. fortunately, there are nerds with degrees in book who do extensive research and can give insight. i'll think i maybe understand a book okay, go to read a journal article on it, and go ??????? wat???? page 632 paragraph 3 references euclid's optics?? how was i supposed to know that.

finally, you're not going to like every book you read, even if it's well written. there's a difference between persevering and actively torturing yourself with words. if you dread picking it up again, there are other books to check out instead. there are some classics that i don't care for much (some of edgar allen poe's short stories, the fall by albert camus, no longer human by dazai osamu, to name a few).

ask yourself questions while reading. why did this character do that? is there a reoccurring motif throughout the work, and if so, why might the author be trying to highlight that? what perspective is the work from? is the protagonist lucid, are they an unreliable narrator? what themes are being explored here?

i hope some of this helps dsfhgkdjshgks there's a lot to be said on the subject but i didn't want this post to be miles long.

#answered #Anonymous

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makingshortstorieslong · 8 months ago

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so I re-read We Have Always Lived in the Castle

a couple of take aways - naturally, major spoilers for the book here:

I know it says immediately in the iconic opening paragraph that Merricat is eighteen years old but wow is that hard to keep in mind. I kept reminding myself this time. I'm not sure but I honestly may have read it the first time with her as 14 in my mind even knowing how that conflicts with the timeline. So it was really noticeable this time how Constance and Charles (particularly Charles) refer to her as a kid.

speaking of Charles referring to Merricat, I noticed how everyone referred to each other in this read through a lot. Charles with "Connie" and "Mary" - trying to sound very familiar, like one of the family, like he knows them and cares about them. Meanwhile Constance is the only one calling him "Cousin Charles" - she wants that family connection. • I still love everything about Jonas and Merricat's view of him. Reminds me of my old roommate (cat). Cats are so communicative actually if you pay attention and you know one well. • I FORGOT that Uncle Julian believes Merricat is dead! it's so easy to just not notice him never referring to her. And it's interesting that while otherwise he may be confused, thinking Constance is his wife or that the rest of the family are still alive, I think he consistently ignores Merricat and acts like she's dead. Which. Yeah can we talk about how he came to that conclusion. Does he know who actually poisoned the sugar and that's why he has to believe she's dead, because he couldn't live with her? Idk I need to think about it. • I also forgot, really truly do not remember even a little bit and was so struck by, the scene where Merricat goes to the summer house and imagines the family still alive and showering her with adoration and saying they'd never punish her. That part was like. Chilling this time. • Not sure if I forgot or didn't pick up on this the first time, although this time I noticed how it's pointed out several times over in close succession towards the end of the book, that all of Merricat's "not allowed"s are self-imposed, not rules laid by Constance. I certainly suspected earlier on that at least some of them were due to her magical thinking, but others, like not handling food, seemed like rules Constance might have made. But Constance's reaction in the end makes it sound to me like ALL of them come from within Merricat.

I felt so sad at the end in particular about Merricat's range shrinking. I liked her special places by the creek and in the tall grass; I would have loved them myself if I grew up there, would love them now if I could visit. • also thought more about Constance this time around. Uh. Wow. Idk what to say other than I want to read someone else's analysis of what all is going on in her mind. • last thing, and it's weird: I don't know WHY I somehow remembered there being weird romantic (and you know. Incestual :/ ) tones to Constance and Charles's relationship, but I didn't get that this time. I remembered he was after their money, the family fortune, and somehow I thought there was an implication of him trying to marry Constance, but I must have this mixed up with something else because it seemed pretty familial this time around, I didn't get those other implications.

anyway. :) it's a very good book.

#we have always lived in the castle #shirley jackson

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mariana-oconnor · 1 year ago

Text

The Three Gables pt 2

A little late, because life and Christmas are just... it's a lot.

Last time we had a lady who wanted to sell her house and someone who really wanted to buy it and everything in it. Including the remaining possessions of her dead son. Who had died of pneumonia? I think, but also been involved with some sort of woman his mother did not approve of.

And a servant was fired after everyone was kind of terrible to her, even if she was spying for some bad guys.

And there was a lot of racism, which I expect will increase.

Anyway

"Now, Watson, this is a case for Langdale Pike, and I am going to see him now."

Ah, it's another randomly referenced character that it sounds like we should know and yet we do not. Unless I have forgotten him. I don't think I've forgotten him.

Langdale Pike was his human book of reference upon all matters of social scandal. This strange, languid creature spent his waking hours in the bow window of a St. James's Street club and was the receiving-station as well as the transmitter for all the gossip of the metropolis. He made, it was said, a four-figure income by the paragraphs which he contributed every week to the garbage papers which cater to an inquisitive public.

OMG, he's the paparazzi!

Well, the Edwardian equivalent of it.

Holmes, I thought better of you than this. You're really feeding this guy information. Ugh.

'Please come out at once. Client's house burgled in the night. Police in possession. — Sutro.' Holmes whistled. “The drama has come to a crisis, and quicker than I had expected."

Really? You must have known you sped up their timetable a little. They knew you'd gone to see the place and they were worried enough about you they tried to warn you off. It makes sense that seeing you there would move up their plans.

“Well, they don't seem to have got much. Mrs. Maberley was chloroformed and the house was— Ah! here is the lady herself.”

She was chloroformed and it's just an ordinary burglary? I hate to see what you call an odd burglary.

Just going to skip over the extra racism.

“Well, I don't think there is anything of value missing. I am sure there was nothing in my son's trunks.”

You hadn't even looked in them and Holmes told you that he thought there was something in them. Why are you so confident in this, lady?

"It is in my son's handwriting.” “Which means that it is not of much use,” said the inspector. “Now if it had been in the burglar's—” “Exactly,” said Holmes. “What rugged common sense!"

Please allow me to use my Holmes-English dictionary. I'll just check... yeah... Mmhm.

“I never pass anything, however trifling,” said he with some pomposity. “That is my advice to you, Mr. Holmes."

Oh, oh no. Oh poor boy. You are being set up for the biggest of falls. You have no genre savvy. I'm sorry. This will hurt.

“Seems to be the end of some queer novel, so far as I can see.”

Please, tell me more.

“Why should they go to my son's things?” asked Mrs. Maberley.

Clearly they wanted the manuscript of his magnum opus of homoerotic literature, Mrs Maberley. I can see no other possible reason.

And honestly, relatable.

"Man must live for something. If it is not for your embrace, my lady, then it shall surely be for your undoing and my complete revenge.”

🔥VENGEANCE!🔥

So it's not a homoerotic bodice ripper, at all. It's a tell-all memoir.

"I hear that she is about to marry the young Duke of Lomond, who might almost be her son."

Refreshing to see an older woman-younger man romance portrayed for once. Usually it's the older man preying on the sweet young ingenue. This time the sexual predator is the woman. Although... honestly, nothing that's been said so far makes me think she's doing anything but having a good time.

“Not at home means not at home to you,” said the footman.

RUDE!

The lady had come, I felt, to that time of life when even the proudest beauty finds the half light more welcome.

Also rude!

Come on, Watson. You're not exactly young yourself at this point. And you're still apparently marrying people left right and centre. Do you hide in the shadows?

Pah.

...two wonderful Spanish eyes which looked murder at us both.

I know what he means by this, but also I am imagining her irises being the Spanish flag.

Beautiful.

“I need not explain, madame. I have too much respect for your intelligence to do so—though I confess that intelligence has been surprisingly at fault of late.”

Holmes is in such a bitchy mood in this one. He's just insulting everyone as much as he can. I kind of love it.

"I feel that I may be frank with you, Mr. Holmes. You have the feelings of a gentleman. How quick a woman's instinct is to find it out. I will treat you as a friend.”

Wow...the bullshit is strong with this one.

“No doubt it was foolish of me to threaten a brave man like yourself.”

You should totally stroke his bicep and ask if he works out. That's clearly where this is heading. Lolol!

“No, no, you would not. You are a gentleman. It is a woman's secret.”

Wow. Just... wow. Weaponising femininity indeed.

✨ Gaslight. ✨ Gatekeep. ✨ Girlboss. ✨

So roguish and exquisite did she look as she stood before us with a challenging smile that I felt of all Holmes's criminals this was the one whom he would find it hardest to face. However, he was immune from sentiment.

That's because unlike you, he is not ruled by his horny brain, Watson. Please, take some deep breaths, drink a glass of cold water and come back when you've calmed down. You were literally just saying you thought she was too old to stand in proper lighting, my dude. Down boy!

"Because I had given he seemed to think that I still must give, and to him only. It was intolerable."

OK, fine. I'm on her side now. She's still the most ridiculous person ever, but this is a valid and correct point. Douglas needed to take no as an answer.

Barney and the boys drove him away, and were, I admit, a little rough in doing so.

I'm torn. On the one hand, Douglas needed to understand that just because his sense of entitlement told him she owed him something, he really didn't. On the other hand, don't hire people to beat people up. Maybe just hire bodyguards to keep turning him away and save the beating for if he escalates?

I feel like everyone sucks in this story.

This... this is the same story from Charles Augustus Milverton except the female character is rich and has agency. And yet we're supposed to not side with the people who stole back the blackmail material that would ruin her? Because she's promiscuous?

Yeah, she's kind of terrible, but her crime was getting people to beat him up. The theft seems fair, honestly.

“Very good. I think you will sign me a check for that, and I will see that it comes to Mrs. Maberley. You owe her a little change of air."

Yeah, she was chloroformed and it's possible that the beating led to her son's death. She definitely deserves something for all of this.

"Have a care! You can't play with edged tools forever without cutting those dainty hands.”

Weird line to end on, but okay. Basically 'fuck around and find out' in Holmes speak, I guess.

But yeah, this is just a different version of Charles Augustus Milverton and A Scandal in Bohemia only this time the lady is the bad guy. And she actually has done some horrible things. But if she'd come to you and said 'Mr Holmes, I had an ill advised dalliance with a young man and I need the evidence before it ruins my upcoming wedding!' Holmes might have done the burglary himself.

Well, probably not if he found out about her having Douglas beaten up.

But it's a weird change of perspective.

#Letters from Watson #The Three Gables #Sherlock Holmes #long post

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an-aura-about-you · 6 months ago

Text

are we ready for another chapter of Handbook for Mortals?

no but we're gonna do it anyway.

getting to Chapter 17:

when we last left our hero, Scheherazade was at death's door and laid out on her childhood bed, but nobody seems overly fussed about that because instead of actually trying to help her we're all gonna listen to Dela tell the story of how she and Charles honked at each other from across the circus and agreed to make an insufferable clown baby.

Chapter 17: The Lovers

-Zade tells us in the narration that her mother's storytelling is worthy of Spielberg. can we get any more blatant about who she'd want directing the movie?

-the year we get for when Zade's parents properly meet is 1977, FINALLY giving us something that resembles a timeline. idk if we're actually gonna find out when they bone, but if they do indeed do the horizontal mambo at some point before 1977 ends, then the latest possible time that Scheherazade could reasonably be born would be the autumn of 1978.

if Zade is 25ish, given the weeks upon weeks she's spent in Vegas going by with no mention of a birthday, the most reasonable year for this book to be set is 2004 with the assumption that Zade's birthday is coming up soon at this point.

I'm not even sure what to make of that.

-another tally point for casual use of the g-slur.

-Dela is described as a "gorgeous young girl" in the story she's telling us. like ok, glad to know where Zade gets the bragging.

-also Dela is just 18, so we're invoking Barely Legal here.

-the narration refers to Charles as a boy, but they just said he's 20. that's a full grown man. a young one, but still.

-ok so this is weird. one paragraph already referred to him as Charles, but the paragraph after it has a bit that says, "while the boy who was known as Charles." why is that here? why aren't we just calling him Charles at this point?

-Dela is thinking about how she doesn't like Charles and Charles is trying to figure out how to charm her since all the girls normally fawn over him. so far, their relationship appears to be framed as some kind of conquest.

-I'm frustrated that Sarem used the same metaphor I've used in one of my fics, though she doesn't go the same way with it as I did. Dela describes her ability to see the future like being in a house and looking through a window and how she would go insane if she tried to see everything. I'm actually not sure what she's getting at with the window. does she mean that it's a narrow scope? because it's also possible to see what's going on by going outside. the whole reason this came up is because Charles teased that she should know why he's come to see her since she can tell the future, but she's trying to explain to him that she's not looking at every single bit of the future.

-Charles thinks Dela's a con-artist and is not impressed with her cold reading skills so far.

-until she manages to tell him what he's been having nightmares about, something he hasn't told anyone about, so he's now on board believing she might be the real deal.

-Dela about her tarot cards: "They don't bite, I promise. I may, but they don't."

suddenly I'm glad Sarem skipped over all the flirting between Zade and the boys.

-wait now Charles is 21? there hasn't been a time jump, we're still in the same scene we've been in!

-they are also dragging this joke out as if it's peak flirting. maybe a year HAS passed. reading that paragraph has certainly aged me.

-why is Zade thinking about her mother having a sultry voice?

oh yeah, I didn't mention this before, but back in the big magic illusion, Zade takes the time to mention in the narration that the young man in the trick looked the way Charles did as a teenager. and if you remember, the young man kissed her at one point.

Zade has weird incestuous feelings about her parents confirmed.

-apparently all Charles needs to do to impress Dela is show off his Sick Shuffling Skillz.

-Zade. why did we need to read about your dad looking down your mom's shirt?

why did you WANT to look over that memory in enough detail to include it?

all I can think of is the memory reel in Sasha's mind in Psychonauts when we see him using his psychic powers to see his father's memories of his mother, who died in his infancy. he accidentally stumbles upon a moment like this and obviously recoils upon seeing it.

-Dela, like Zade, wears clothes that hug her "in all the right places."

-for some reason, Dela is flattered that Charles was staring at her boobs. I guess we know what Sarem's formula for Twoo Luv is and that's being desired.

-ok so here's the dealio: Charles has been having nightmares about getting shot, and the reason why is he fucked his assistant Betty and didn't think anything about it but she thought they were gonna be together- HEY WAIT! THIS IS JUST WHAT CLARA DID TO MAC! only this time we're supposed to sympathize with Charles instead of Betty even though she's in the role Mac was in because obviously Betty is crazy and she's gonna try to shoot Charles.

-ok, Sarem actually gets points for Charles having this incredibly relatable reaction to finding out Betty's been watching him sleep: a good sarcastic, "That's not creepy at all."

-oh and the thing that's tipped Betty over the edge/the reason why she's gonna shoot him soon is Charles slept with another girl recently and she's jealous af. Charles doesn't even remember who else he slept with at first.

-why is Charles rating his sexual partners in front of Dela?

-Dela says Betty's gonna switch out the shells in the gun for a trick Charles does, but that's not how prop guns work. they are not built for real bullets. Betty would have to swap out the gun itself for this to work.

-Dela apparently sees something when she and Charles hold hands at the end of her little plan for how he'll survive getting shot, but she won't tell him what. I think it's her knowing they're gonna bang and have Zade.

and the chapter ends with Charles kissing Dela's hand on his way out, which made her shiver like a bunch. yeah, she knows they're gonna bang, calling it here.

this bit of the story isn't done, by the way. the flashback is, but Dela and Charles are gonna tell us how things worked out. man, I wonder if Charles is gonna die.

for that matter, I wonder if Zade, who has still been narrating these chapters, is gonna die.

#aura reads handbook for mortals

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typingwithmyhandstied · 1 year ago

Note

Do you have any guesses for what some of the Taylor Swift references in fhh will be?

I have no real solid it will definitely happen guesses. I do have some that I would really like that might actually be possible.

Mine: it is very plausible with Rosalind and Orion's pasts. Plus, I would love it.

Last Kiss: I don't think Chloe could resist it at this point.

Would've Could've Should've: it's on the playlist, and it would be a very fitting one. I will be taking it as a reference if she uses any of these words in the same paragraph or even page.

It's Time To Go: I swear if this is referenced in Oliver's pov in flashbacks of him leaving, I might actually like him (I don't blame him for leaving to begin with only other crap). I also think this could be referenced in other contexts too.

Daylight: this is the one I am betting on. Mostly because I would freak out. I really love this song (I got to see it live yayyayayay). I do think Chloe already kind of referenced it in TPATS but-

It's Nice To Have A Friend: I do think this would be possible with a Rosalind and Orion wedding most likely being the ending. This would be one of the songs to reference for sure. If she referenced this with Philas, I think I might faint.

No Body No Crime: you never know... mostly putting this on here because if it was referenced in regard to Alisa, I would freak out.

I feel like there's a good chance there'll be a few Midnights references. Maybe midnight rain, hits different, mastermind, etc. Paris is in the FLF playlist too.

I feel like there is more I might be forgetting at the moment, so I will reblog if I think of any. I'm curious to know what you think!

#thank you for the ask <3 #foul lady fortune #chloe gong #foul heart huntsman #secret shanghai #phoebe hong #silas wu #orion hong #rosalind lang #oliver hong #celia lang #alisa montagova

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celestie0 · 8 months ago

Note

Hellow, it is I again, coming out of my silent corner once more ^^ So first of all, thanks for the quick reply (which I didn't even think you'd do tbh) and nice words and I totally didn't blush and giggle at the last paragraph :'D So, I dug a little deeper and found all kinds of definitions and explanations, supporting both sides of it, but I think generally speaking and also in the community (which I myself am not a part of, I just know people) the association of gang bang with rape is rather old fashioned and is not really used as such anymore, instead straight up referring to it as gang rape. So you actually can have a consensual gang bang and it is rather the norm but again, I might be wrong here, since I'm too no real expert in this field either, but that's how I and a lot of people seem to interpret it nowadays. Obviously, I totally get that some people are offended or even getting triggered by that word, since it has had this negative connotation for quite some time now and I hope I didn't offend or hurt anyone with my account I did, I just thought it should be more clarified, but I totally get when you're just not using the term at all, just to be on the safe side ^^' I also searched for equal terms, trying to figure out what else to call it, since it interested me as well (the FBI agent going through my internet history surely has their fun) and the closest thing I found was 'polyandry', which defines a woman having multiple husbands, although it is more used to describe marriage instead of sexual intercourse. Apparently there are people referring to it as binge, revelry, jag, carousal and a bunch of other stuff, but tbh I've never ever heard anyone ever referring to that personally but you never know… Also, fun fact: in Germany (where I originate from) we apparently have a word for it called 'Fleischlego' which quite literally translates to 'meat lego' which I thought was kinda funny :'D Anyways, I dunno what drove me to deep dive into this topic so much and I'm sorry if I caused any unpleasantries for both you and your community. Imma sit in my silent corner again now and hope you'll have a nice day <3

hiii again my love <3

ouuu yknow you might be right ab the distinction between gangbang vs gang rape, i can see that being an old fashioned definition and then people reshaped it into gangbang for consensual multi persons intercourse. and yeah! better safe than sorry type of thing :'') i mean it's not like that word is a huge part of my regular vocabulary anyways LOL but i don't think it's bad to avoid it when needed. thanks a lot for looking into it more! i definitely feel validated in the definition i had in mind for it initially

LOL meat lego sounds so funny tbh i wish i could use that instead!! we need to adopt that terminology into english language 100%

noooo honey i don't think you upset anyone or caused anything unpleasant! you're so sweet n respectful n ty again for sharing what you know n what you've found. you're an angel!! <3

#asks

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madphantom · 11 months ago

Note

Hello! I sent an anon a looong time ago asking if it would be okay to send some of the notes I took when reading Sarah. Sorry that it took so long!

At first I was trying to figure out how to format it and send them to you. I remembered reading "night flowers shirking from the light of the sun" on the google docs pdf thing, and it had the notes on the side. I thought that would be easy to read so I was trying to figure out how to convert my botes to that.

Then, I accidetally deleted ReadEra, which I used to read your book and was where my notes were. I panicked and redownloaded it, but my data was gone.

Then! While looking through my files! I realised that it made routine backups of its data, including backups that should be after I made all my notes! Hooray!

So I've been able to compile all my notes now. I've decided to forgo making a google doc esque file and just compile the text and send it to you in an ask.

The asterisks in the text was what I actually highlighted, the rest of the paragraph(s) is just for context. I read the snippets you gave before you released the book, so that’s why I referance some things that haven't happened yet (although, I did come back to past parts of the book after I read later parts of it to add more notes, I'm pretty sure).

Initially these notes were just meant for me, so I get a bit personal in some of them (and some pf them are worded a bit weirdly. I did make minor edits to some of them to make them more legible). So sometimes what I say doesn't really align with character motivations. Sometimes I am also just plain wrong about character motivations as well asdfwj.

Also I cut out some of the notes, and the spacing might be weird since tumblr made this into a single text block when I pasted it into an ask, so I had to manually add all of the paragraph breaks.

With all that said, here's the notes!

*****

"...the home of Desmond and Suzanne C. Bell, where the *childless* couple lived together from 1930 until Suzanne's peaceful death..."

If this were a real thing I'd be like "Why did you even bring up/emphasise that they were childless? Weird ass thing to do." But since this is a work of fiction.

I believe Suzanne was the one who had a secret? If I am remembering that correctly from the character intros with the picrews. I wonder if she's also trans? Although, a couple unable to conceive together could still have children. So I suppose that doesn't support a trans argument.

Like, they could adopt or have a surrogate. Many ways for a trans-Suzanne-cis-Desmond to have children.

*****

"We had briefly stopped for a chat while you were chasing your hat, and she had given her name as Suzanne and his as *Mr. Frank Carlyle*."

Ah! She took her dead lover's name! Also, given "the Carlyle boy came back", that implies that she also took his last name.

(Future me: ?? I do not know what I meant here. They already stated her name as Mr. Frank *Carlyle* in this line...

Edit: Oh wait I get it now. At the time, I didn't know Sarah was pretending to be Frankie, nor did I know Frankie's last name. So I thought that when she detransitioned, she took on a derivative of Frankie's name instead of going back to her deadname to remember him.

I also knew that in that snippet that person was talking about how Frankie dying was strange, since "the Carlyle boy came back", which meant that Carlyle was his last name.

So I thought Sarah took on the name Frank to remember Frankie, and took Carlyle like in a married way. I didn't know she took his name wholesale because she was impersonating him.)

*****

"*I shook my head. "By God, no. This beautiful creature deserves to live in freedom. Can you imagine something so unique and so mesmerizing surviving against all odds just to be kept in some cage as something to be poked and prodded at? It'd be a downright crime."*"

Ah, after reading the part where they got the croc, I see the parallels to queerness.

*****

"The deer stood motionlessly in the garden...[]

"... *I need to see it from up close*," I whispered. "Otherwise I will never believe myself.""

Me moment. Wish I could go outside to look at a wondrous deer. Or a strange, wondrous sight in general. Like when that car burst into flame in front of our house during the night, and we all gathered around to watch.

*****

"*Four silver eyes glistened at me in the shadows. The deer watched as I placed one foot in front of the other. It took a hesitant step towards me, then another. I saw the muscles moving underneath the snow white fur. Then, suddenly, it took a giant leap and disappeared in the fog.*"

I wonder what the God thought of him. I think it's a good person. I wonder if it had goodwill towards him because of how he said it would be awful to kill it.

*****

"Clouds sail past on the *lake's mirror-like surface*"

Wow what a pretty lake!

*****

""*We have to start somewhere*," I replied. "If I know how he fell, I know how he landed, but more crucially, I know what he would want to stay alive for."

Ah, I kinda expected it to be a twist, where Ignatius only sent them out so that they would not have to be there.

*****

*"Sa…" - he took a deep gasping breath - "Sa….rah!"*

I appreciate how she restarted. Reminds me pf myself. I would've been worried that the pause would have been long enough that my words sounded like two syllables, rather than two halves of one word. So, I appreciated how she started, just to make her words clearer.

Also, I wonder why she said this. I might've said this too. I want to correct you about my name. I always do, but especially now. I'm about to die. It's all about me now. Don’t I get to have this one thing? I want you to know what my name is, at least.

But I will not tell you it is mine. I will give you no context. I so desperately want to tell you it is mine, but I can’t. Doing so would decrease my chances of survival by way of decreasing my chances of receiving good medical care, and it would decrease my chances of being tolerated well in my potentially final moments.

I can't have that. Surviving is more important. But I at least want you to know my name, and that you're wrong about me. I can be satisfied with that. It's okay because I have at least that. "Sarah."

*****

"He had run there through the deep green forest, *trying to hide from his mother after breaking a pot at home*."

The real villain here is the mother (or parents). This wouldn't have happened if she did not react so poorly to similar things that the child is scared enough after breaking a pot to leave the house.

*****

"...the God rose once more, towards the surface, towards the light, to find who the culprit that had woken *it* was."

Hrrg,,, I love it/its gods,,,,

*****

"...*mesmerized by what he saw. And he stepped out into the waves, and followed the sweet sounds of the flute into the cool blue. And he thought of nothing but those slender fingers, and the rose-coloured eyes that seemed to contain the moon and stars on summer mornings.*"

Dunno if I want to interpret this in an aro or gay way. If a gay way, it's potentially really funny. Worst crush ever. Immediately drowned in a lake because of it.

(One sided, ofc. Tragic! You were accidentally so ethereal and mesmerising that the boy you wanted to interact with got a crush on you that Immediately killed him. Sad!)

*****

"...it remembered in horror how once upon a time it had been chased into the lake by the townsfolk, *who could not understand it, and it could not understand them.*"

Damn epic autism moment,,,, everyone knows that epic autism moment when you are so thorourghly misunderstood by others, and how despite how much you struggle to, you cannot seem to understand them either,,,,

They shouldn't have been such an ass to the God.

*****

"*And so the God left the child on the shore among the wildflowers, and it returned to its eternal sleep, to forget what it had done and forget once more about the world and its cruelty. But they say to this day, on moonlit nights, if you toss a pebble into the lake and find yourself followed home by a white animal, it is the God taking pleasure in seeing you.*"

Ah! Comment on this later!

Edit: It is later an I. Still cannot seem to find the words to convey what thoughts and memories this sparks in me. Oh well!

At least I know. Hope I don't forget though. At least I can say that this passage is significant to me!

*****

""It is a sad story, isn't it?" Sarah tilted her head. "After all, the God was not evil, was it?

It was simply there. It could not know that the boy would die for trying to understand it."

"*Perhaps. Or perhaps* it knew, deep down. Perhaps it thought another ghost might save it from haunting itself.""

Damn, he really wants to play devil's advocate, huh?

*****

"...[The Storyteller's] split lips drawn back in what was a smile that reminded me of a *snarling fox*."

Ah, I get it now! They *are* a fox! This is just like in dbttlor where a character is compared with a nonstandard but still familiar animal and it's like, wow! What a novel and therefore interesting and apt comparison! And then it turns out it wasn't just a random animal for sake of novelty, but it turns out they actually *are* that animal!

*****

""Do me a favour. Don't tell Suzanne until it has happened. She is such a good girl, I'd hate to see her worry in my last moments."

I chewed my lip. Then I lowered my head. "*I promise.*""

DAMN. What a difficult position to be in. She deserves to know but why should Sarah (I think) make herself uncomfortable to be better for Suzanne? She's dying. It's all about her.

*****

""Where are you traveling to?"

"Oh, well…" The Storyteller chuckled. "Nowhere, really. I just wanted to get around a bit. Not stay in one place for too long."

"But isn't that dangerous?", Sarah inquired.

"Dangerous?" They raised their eyebrows. "*Why…ohh, right.*"

*Monkey King voice* "Ohhh right. Mortality."

*****

"*But there was no ghost. There never had been. There had only been love and what it had left behind.*"

YO. COOL ASS LINE. I like how it wasn't supernatural, and instead was just grief. More relatable.

Also reminds me of the "Wasn't actually supernatural but still equally or even more horrifying" trope, which I love.

Like the story of those kids camping around a river who hear the story of a ghost who'll drown you, and at night they hear someone stepping around their campsite, so they get scared. Then cops show up the next day saying someone was killed at another campsite nearby. So they're like "0_0 ...Were they ...*drowned*?".

And the cops are like "No they were shot." So they're like "Oh.", then "OH. A MURDERER WAS AT OUR CAMPSITE LAST NIGHT."

The scares feel more grounded that way, which is cool (not that I don't like supernatural scares as well, 'cus I definitely do).

*****

""How come they left the house with all their belongings still in it? I have often asked myself that." I kicked a pebble out of the way.

The Storyteller sighed. "*Their only son drowned in the lake.*"

I wonder if this is the boy from that Gramma's story.

*****

"I thought of the child that had drowned in these peaceful green waves. *Suddenly I no longer felt like going for a swim.*"

Lol number one "guy who is going to drown" thing to say. Also, that body was recovered. I'd be more disturbed by the two corpses that stayed down there.

*****

""Was that a heron?", they inquired.

"Yes, a white one," I replied. "It flew across the lake. Looked quite majestic."

The Storyteller stopped dead in their tracks. "*We should go back.*""

Damn does the god just kill random people? It didn't strike me as a bad person.

*****

"I tilted my head in confusion. "Why?"

*"Trust me." They chewed their lip. "It will rain soon."

When I looked up, the sky that had just been stark blue had turned ash grey.*"

HUH. WAIT. What is the extent of their power? After reading the book, they kinda seem like a normal guy but with immortality, the ability to turn into a fox, see out of their rings, and with knowledge about the God.

Like, they were clearly just saying this so they didn't have to say "Yeah that white heron was a god and I want you to stay away from it in case it kills you."

But it *did* rain. Can they predict the weather as well?? (Maybe that's not even a power. They've just been around so long they can tell what the weather will be.)

*****

"Lightning made the *black lake* glint ominously in the distance"

Urgh,, I love lakes <3

*****

"Gramma Margaret smiled with *stained teeth*"

OUGH. I love stained teeth! It's always so cool! Every character ever should have stained/yellowed teeth.

*****

"Her teeth glinted in the flickering red light like *wet metal*."

Ooh, cool.

*****

"*I woke up, suddenly. It was as if a heavy fog had been lifted from my mind.

It was cold. My neck hurt. My eyes were burning.*"

Damn. Moment when you exit hyperfocus and are suddenly hit with all the status conditions.

*****

"*The Storyteller put a hand on their mouth and I felt strangely watched*"

Ah, because the ring on their hand, which they can see out of, would be facing towards him.

*****

"*Sarah was lying at the bottom of the stairs, her hair a mess, sobbing.*"

Ooh! Just like at the beginning! Maybe this is what happened to her when she was old!

*****

"Her skin was milky *white*"

White-ass.

*****

"The deer flinched when the fox bit into its leg. *The smaller animal was whining and crying in pain, but persistent.*"

Does biting into it physically hurt them?

*****

"*We do not want them to leave and it seems like, for the moment, they are content staying.*"

Aww, friends <3

*****

"Rolling [the crane] over into the grave *pushed my heart inbetween my ribs, but I kept myself contained.*"

Ooh, what a neat phrase!

*****

""Wouldn't that make a lovely story?"

"Of course it would, I just have to say, I am not particularly fond of the idea of being the protagonist in a ghost story""

Hehe, the fact that he agreed that that would be a lovely story...

Like, I thought he would go, "No! That is awfully morbid!", but no. He's like "Yes, that would be a very lovely and cool story. I would just not like to be in it."

I must say, I like this more. I'm gonna add interactions like that into my stories <3.

*****

""No, I mean…it doesn't look alive. It's full of dirt and its feathers are falling out and it's viciously pecking at itself. It looks like it should never have come here in the first place."

The Storyteller tilted their head, but said nothing. *They probably thought I was losing my mind.*"

Oh no, my friend the Normal Person Storyteller is gonna think I'm a weirdo for thinking something supernatural happened! :(. They're just a normal human with no contact with that sort of stuff, so of course they wouldn't believe me :(.

*****

"[Suzanne] sighed, glanced at me uneasily. "Will you wake me if anything new shall happen?"

"*Of course.*""

NO YOU WON'T. YOU'RE NOT GONNA. HOW HORRIBLE*.

*Not saying Ignatius is horrible. This is a complicated situation, and I don’t know what the right choice is. But this is a horrible situation for Suzanne to find herself in.

*****

"*Heavens, no. What on earth would she do with me? She's an angel, what am I? A milkman's son, who writes quite awful poetry in his free time. No, no, I think it is better for the both of us if I just continue to stare from a distance…and fall a little more in love with every passing day…"*"

Girlie, this is unfair to her! You are assuming how she feels and acting on that assumption. She should be able to come to her own decision regarding that (being in a relationship with you) with all the information in front of her.

For example, what if she liked you back? It's mean to assert that she simply cannot fall in love with certain people, when she has never said so herself!

Also, you're implying that she is quite shallow to not fall in love with common people just because they're not big fancy fraughts.

*****

""*I'm quite sure she would not mind knowing about your feelings*""

This too! What's the harm? Even if she doesn't like you romantically, she clearly loves and/or cares about you. She would still love to be friends after. Nothing would change except that you respected her ability to come to a decision on her own, and that you gave it a shot. You would give her the info, instead of just assuming.

*****

""*Perhaps not tonight*""

Pfft yeah. Don't confess when her mum's dying.

*****

"*I hesitated, unsure what to say. Then I lowered my head.

"I should go back to reading that book."*"

LMAOOO

*****

"*His body…his body was like mine, but it was so beautiful*"

FUCK. FUCK, I LOVE TRANSNESS

*****

""*You don't even realize what you've summoned. Good Lord. You have doomed yourself, my friend.*""

Did they think he was in on the supernatural shit before this?

*****

"*The Storyteller left silent as a ghost two nights ago. I woke twice during the night, once because I heard the door, once because a fox screamed outside, almost a sorrowful wail.*"

Aw man... The friends part :(.

*****

"Sarah and I spent the day inside, with *her drawing*"

Ooh, I was wondering who was drawing those pictures!

*****

""I started falling." Her voice was quiet and shaky. "I fell and fell, deep into a bottomless pit. *And then I woke up.*"" --

I wonder what it means that she dreamt this. Not as in the meaning of it, but as in, does that mean the god can make up dreams for you? And has the power of foresight? And can directly influence what you see/think? (Like straight up make it up fully. Instead of influencing one's thoughts to lean a certain way. It's instead the exact scenario, the exact wording.)

*****

"*On the way I noticed that we had forgotten to bring our laundry inside and some of it had scattered across the yard. Too bad, but nothing terrible - we had all the time in the world to wash it again, after all.*"

Aw man. Not realising that this means that the dream was a premonition, and that they are in grave danger. "Oh well, we have all the time in the world to wash it." No you don't. This marks your end. Last night truly was a quiet end of the world.

*****

"With a scream I ran back out of the barn, *leaving the deadman with my face inside.*"

OOH. Does he become a crane? When that person later says a strange looking Frankie hung out with the Storyteller, was that even Frankie? Or the crane?

*****

"Diary entry of Sarah *Winston*"

Ah, so that’s what her last name was before she took on the name Carlyle! Sarah Carlyle, nee Winston.

*****

"*Something has been wrong for a very long time.*"

And it's finally come to a head.

*****

"*Bell Senior's old man says he was quite spooked by the change. Took a crucifix with him every time he delivered the milk. Just in case.*"

Dude, she's just some guy :/.

*****

"*Avoided that blue house like the plague. You'd think he saw a ghost there.*"

Maybe Frankie didn't come back at all... Maybe it was Sarah...

But they look quite dissimilar! Did she straighten and dye her hair?

*****

"*He had a disagreement with his mother and father one night, just a few days before Sarah passed, packed his things and left.*"

Okay so I'm almost certain that it was Sarah who came back, not Frankie. By this time it was already Sarah. Did she have a disagreement with Frankie's parents about pretending to be him?

*****

"*For a while they thought it was his youthful stubbornness that kept him from returning.*"

But then why did they think this? Did they truly think she was Frankie? Or were they just saying that's what they thought in order to cover up Sarah's identity whenever somebody asked?

*****

""...It was assumed that during his hot-headed travels, he had simply been robbed and murdered. An old woman was killed in the area just a month later, so it seemed reasonable."

"Oh, what a tragedy." I thought about the night Frankie had described in his diary, the night when he told the Storyteller about the beheaded old woman. *Gramma Margaret.*"

Is this the same Margaret that is Sarah's mother? I don't think so. Is this the same old woman who died a month after Sarah went missing (as Frankie)? I don’t think it is, since Gramma Margaret died *before* that happened.

*****

"*I sat at the kitchen table, staring at the singular candle illuminating the house*"

Me fr. But also, just like the dream!

*****

"*the Storyteller standing in the doorway*"

Just like the dream!

*****

"*"I'll go get the spades if you want me to," the Storyteller said quietly.*"

Grrahhh!! He is the crane!!

I wonder if he will come back as a crane supernatural. I wonder if the zombie crane ever existed, or was just an illusion made by the god to foretell Frankie's death.

*****

""Down by the lake." I glanced at the ground beneath me. "There is…there was a willow where we always used to sit and tell each other stories…most of them old stories by the *old blind woman* in whose house we lived. We would tell those stories, or spin new tales out of them, or dream how else they could have ended…the willow fell in the storm.""

Okay see, for a sec I wondered previously if the old woman was actually the Storyteller, and they were shapeshifted. But I was like, no. She's not blind (and her eyes were described as milky, not red. At least I think. But the woman on the book cover had red eyes).

But now I'm thinking it may be so? But I didn't know the storyteller could shapeshift into anything besides the human form we see them in and the fox one.

Or maybe it's like with the crocodile. Related to but not the same. Why would the Storyteller be beheaded?

*****

"*"I am sorry," I whispered. "I was going to tell you, but your father made me promise not to say a word. He did not want you to worry."*"

Ah, there it is! Thank goodness she found out beforehand!

*****

"*Suzanne laughed; it was a hollow laugh. "Did not want me to worry! He tumbled down the stairs with a sound as if the world was ending, broke almost every bone in his body and he does not want me to worry! Heavens-" She had begun to cry. "Oh doctor. How cruel can one be, for goodness' sake?"*"

Literally!!

*****

"*Then, suddenly, Desmond reached for Suzanne's hand and began pleading with her. Her hazel eyes were haunted when she replied to whatever he had said, but he vigorously shook his head and smiled, tears running down his white cheeks.*"

Epic suicidal ideation/talking someone down from it moment (might not be what they're actually talking about).

*****

"Arms tightly wrapped around each other [Suzanne and Desmond] stood there in the snow, almost becoming *one singular grotesque silhouette melted together.*"

Aro moment. The House Party moment.

*****

"As I looked around the room that had been our bedroom I saw the jar with the two-headed crocodile standing on the windowsill and softly exhaled.

"Will you take it with you?", the Storyteller asked.

"Of course," I replied. It resides on the sill of my childhood bedroom now, the *pale skin* of the animal"

Okay, see. I was wondering how this was related to the god. When I first learned of the croc (from the snippet before the story was released) I thought this was the god, in a different form. But the croc is definitely dead, and I don’t think the god can be killed. Plus we see the god later, and the croc never disappears.

Then, I went, "wait! The croc was never actually described as white, so they're unrelated!" But now that is not so.

*****

"*I walked across the damp brown leaves, grabbed the deer by its antlers and shook it until it stared right into my face with one eye from each head. It looked different from this perspective. Surprised…no. Scared.*"

Yeah! Kill that bitch, Sarah! Teach it what's what!

*****

"*It did not always feel good, but damn it, it felt strong.*"

OUGHFF. Adding this one to the quotes pile!

*****

cracked blue building

So it really is her house? I thought she was going to Frankie's house. So is she not impersonating him? But then, why did she take his name?

Maybe she is detransitioning to an old identity that was forced upon her, and not pretending to be Frankie. But since the name she took on was Frank, maybe she swapped deadnames with Frankie when they were choosing their names?

*****

"*The deer is outside again and staring at me. I think it might be crying.*"

Ah. So that is why it is here tonight.

*****

"*A fox is wailing out in the field.*"

I'm glad they are here during the last night of their friend.

*****

"*I think it's quiet now.*"

And so she is dead. But how did the fall occur? Did she call the deer?

*****

"Swiftly, I walked over to it and with hesitation and shaking fingers, reached beneath its shirt. Indeed, there was Sarah's *sweetwater pearl necklace*"

!!! She kept it...!!!

*****

"*I realized in shock and horror that the man that had died under my roof was no man at all - it was Sarah I had been treating. All these years she had returned to hiding as what she had always been perceived as*."

That is oddly understanding of Ignat.

*****

"What a strange feeling. I believe half of my soul was left back there by the lake, waiting for the other half still flickering in my heart to reunite with it."

Waah! She returns to Frankie and her life on the lake!!

*****

"*How do you know that story?*"

"I don't want to tell stories. I don't want their lives to be laid out like they're some fascination. A [] for people to ogle at for a while. They were real people, more than some scary ghost. And they deserve privacy.

But. Their stories are being told anyway. I do not want to tell stories about them. But I have to correct them every time I hear them. Let them really be known. Adding to those tall tales."

*****

"*Before you become a deathbed confession or someone else's ghost story*"

I like that he acknowledges that he has become wrapped up in this, and that because it would make such a good story, the person who he is writing this to and who is dear to him, Andrew, will most likely also be affected.

*****

"*Author's* Note:

...The author vividly remembers the chill that ran down her spine whenever she saw this person in the now overgrown yard, smiling like a fox baring its teeth."

Is this Susan from the second book, "Susan's Hell Sprint"? (Sick ass name btw. Truly one of the titles of all time.)

*****

I wanted to say that I really liked your book, and I can't wait to read the next one! ^_^

Ayyyyyyyyy amazing notes!!!! I had so much fun reading these!!!

Suzanne is actually trans! I tried to drop a couple subtle hints about it but nothing too obvious, such as the childless thing and the deep voice. Also, the moment Desmond and Suzanne talk outside she actually confesses this to him.

As for Sarah and Frankie, they traded names when they came out to each other, and when Sarah returned, she simply took on her old name.

The author isn't actually Susan, though that would've been cool. The author is some random teenager in the 2010s. Susan's Hell Sprint is set in the 1970s :).

#personal post #sarah the novel #susan's hell sprint

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punch-love · 1 year ago

Note

ive been having trouble making time to sit down and write anything concrete recently because of my adhd so i tried what you said in one of the ask prompts you answered where you write a tagline and title at the top of the doc and just go it til you lose steam and oh my god. i was able to bang out 2k words in about an hour or so. im pretty disorganized with my writing especially bc i like to write/brainstorm in my journal and then type it up so ive been kind of stalling for the last month but this has completely changed the game for me. i know youve also mentioned using sticky notes before but i want to know if you have any other things you do youd like to share!

I'm happy to hear it worked for you man! I also have ADHD, so I know how hard it can be to make time and write down something concrete. I don't usually find writing tips or tricks that work for my brain, so it's very cool that I was able to help someone else write with my own methods.

I think I mentioned this one before, but whenever I get in a writing jam, and I'm not sure how to continue something, or I feel stuck, I pull up a random word generator and generate words to use as "mini" prompts. It adds some organic stimulus, while also giving you a chance to look at the scene you're trying to write from a different angle. It's kind of cool how many times I've used this thing and the words it generated worked so well thematically for my project.

I also found that when writing starts to become a chore putting it on my daily to-do list helps because, in comparison to my other "bigger" chores, I am more likely to do something creative because it feels easier to my brain (even if my brain thought it was too hard to do like, ten minutes ago)

I also find that writing kind of a free form draft at the bottom of the document that sums up the emotional beats of the work or next part of the work (especially if you've already started said project) really helps me as a reference point if I kind of get lost directionally.

Peter actually needs Wade’s help. They team up. Wade learns about morality and surprises Peter a little. The no kill rule is set (?) they clap off into the sunset.

This is a summary I wrote about the next bit for one of my long projects that I tacked on at the very bottom of the project so if I'm ever writing and forget where I'm going, I can look at it, but it's not distracting me or anything. It's also not, like, a big summary - you can't actually get any plot details from this, it's just sort of a vague roadmap of the points you haven't covered yet.

I can't really think of any other specific writing tips right now, but hopefully one of those might be useful to you! Congratulations again on writing. It's so hard to get something from the brain and onto the page, but the hardest part is definitely over. I think the last piece of advice is that it's better to write a shitty rough draft than no draft at all. I always get lost in over-editing even if I've only written, like, a paragraph and have to force myself to word vomit before I reward myself with nitpicky editing.

#mailbox #anon #writing advice #cool questions and also just very happy to have helped someone write a little easier #what's funny is re-reading this summary I have no idea why I used the word clapping #until I remembered that I literally want the last paragraph of this fic to end with them clapping each other and then going their seperate #LMAO #i was like....the clap....???? what -#proof that your summaries also get dated the longer you ignore a project #also jsyn I was avoiding writing all day so by you asking you have inspired me to actually sit down and write #🌟

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babybattips · 2 years ago

Text

(Rant) Criticisms of goth community, based on personal experiences

CW/TW: last paragraph touches on antisemitism and extreme right wing people, second last is about animal abuse.

I'm starting my 11th year in this subculture. English is not my first language. This post starts with unimportant pet peeves and ends on basically a hate crime :,)

This is a bit different to my usual tips posts. I was never too keen on dance parties in clubs, I mostly attended festivals or live shows when it comes to goth events. In September 2022 I wanted to change that. I'm in Lower Silesia / Southwestern Poland and most of these particular adventures happened in Wroc��aw or in the Lower Silesian voivodeship, but some of these things apply to the wider goth community I feel like.

First of all, this might piss people off, but of we look up a definition of a poser - most goths are posers. They don't pose as goths - that seems to be the no. 1 crime in this subculture, but I don't mean it in that way - they pose as these intellectual academics, "I'm smarter than you" people. (It's not like I'm not guilty of that myself, but I'm trying my best to not be a megalomaniac lol) To add some context, I work in a museum that is ran by one of Poland's biggest archival institutes - my specialty is culture and fashion of the Polish Sarmatian Nobility, but I also work with let's just say history of literature and culture in 19th century Poland. And holy shit for some reason goths LOVE to flex knowledge they just don't have - the Victorian era often being the main focus. The easiest example is Black Friday's "Historical Black & Red Fashion from Punk Rave" video, in which she says that massive puffy sleeves were a popular fashion choice in the "begginning of the Victorian Era, the early 1800s". The era started in 1837 and yes, you'd find some puffy sleeves in 1830s-40s, but the puff starts lower on the arm, not at the shoulder - Black Friday was complaining about the puffs on the shoulders and how they could potentially not fit her figure. She's referring to the 1890s dresses. Her mistake is just an example, she's not a historian and I generally like her, not trying to be mean here. She's just a massive public figure, and referring to some people with no internet presences who I've met at some point would make a shit example.

Other thing about posing is this whole "we're the aristocracy of the night" - no hun, you're a hoe for capitalism, wearing a polyester vampire dress from Party City Punk Rave, drinking goth club vodka and happily listening to insanely pretentious, fast food for the brain kinda songs, like "We're the Children of the Dark" (if you don't know that song, good, you're blessed). Obviously not all goths are like this, but my local community is packed with these folks. Before someone accuses me of anything related to finances when it comes to clothes - thrifting a silk, linen or wool in Poland requires literally $5 on the most expensive thrift store day, $1,50 on the cheapest. Punk Rave is so much more expensive than thrifting organic, very high end clothing. You know why people still buy these plastic garments? It's tacky, and they love it. The pseudo-brocade fabric with pseudo-baroque ornaments, neon purple prints slapped on a synthetic satin black dresses, it's just horrible, but it sells for some awful reason. (For context - I'm a design student, currently doing a master's degree, so at least I'd like to think this whole argument is not only based on my personal taste.) I'm not saying you can't enjoy these things, but enjoy them for what they are - and they're everything but high quality, aristocrat worthy pieces.

Now we're moving onto music yay! So, seems like every goth I meet is a metalhead who listens to one post punk song per 100 metal songs. And I'm not talking about babybats here! Not about casuals either, but about people who claim to be elders with massive knowledge. I've met a guy once (sadly) who claimed to be an elder goth at the very young age of 29. Sure. Did he have knowledge? Lol obviously he didn't. Not about goth music, but he was crazy about screamo. Nothing against screamo, but it's kinda *cough* cringe *cough* to claim yourself as a trad elder while you're not even 30 and don't really listen to goth stuff. Also he defended racist bands, so that's fun.

Another thing that I mentioned is the popularity of fast food songs as I call them. I'm not fully against that kind of music, but it bothers me when people only listen to that and act like it's peak music taste. Examples (please don't get upset if you like these artists or songs, I'm just some person on the internet after all) are, again, Children of the dark by Mono Inc ft. Chris Harms, Joachim Witt and Tilo Wolff, whatever tf Lacrimosa is doing these days, Lord of the Lost, Die Kreatur, Deathstars. But "Children..." is the worst offender, with such subtle, not at all middle school lyrics like:

"We're nothing like you A wall in black We're nothing like you And you don't get who we are, who we are"

"We're nothing like you, we're true and free We're nothing like you but you can't see We're nothing like you and all the rest We're nothing like you We're the children of the dark"

LIKE ARE WE ALL 12 YEARS OLD. TELL ME. This is so cringe in the worst way possible. It's so bad. How does this pass as something of value? My local community just adores this trash. And like what happened to Tilo's music? It used to be good, and now it's this edgelord shadow the hedgehog shit. Tbh I do history classes for 12 y.o. kids and they'd laugh at this. I can understand that this might be someone's guilty pleasure, but something you brag about? Even if you genuinely like songs like these (if they make you happy, don't stop listening to them! I might find it cringe, but like idk people may be drawn to these for a variety of reasons), I feel like it's important to anyone, goth or not, to consume high quality music from time to time, even to just learn about music in general.

Another thing is lack of originality. Goths often are like "normies all look the same haha". Honey goths look like clones. Don't come at me with these "there are victorian, trad and hippie and many other types of goths" argument, because it only means that people choose from 20 established looks. Trad goths look extremely similar to each other. Same with "victorian" goths. Same with hippie goths, romantic goths, vampire goths, whatever. I stopped wearing distinctly gothic outfits some time ago. I still dress in all black everyday, but the style of pieces is more, uhh, just 60s mod inspired? Or very formal. Just personal taste, it kinda happened by accident.

TW animal abuse

Last crime is a more significant one, very present in my local community, as well as uh, everywhere really - bigotry, ignorance, racism, sexism, lack of maturity. I have two very clear examples taken from my personal life. The first one happened on the last Castle Party - a dude had a pet owl and was smoking cigs, while the bird was on his shoulder, inhaling the smoke. Some girls tried to act up, but the dude refused to listen. One of them posted a photo of him with the owl to a facebook group, and the responses were mixed. Most women in the comments were rightfully infuriated, but most men (the whole comment section was weirdly divided by genders) only typed "poka sowe" (pol. show owl), a reference to a very stupid Polish meme rap songs about, well, pp. Because why care about animal abuse when you can be silly and goofy!

TW antisemitism

Another example is from Castle Party 2019, me and my friend had a very funky tent from the 80s, it looked like a small circus, but was difficult to put up. Some men in their 40s asked (very politely) if we need help, so we said yes and thanked them. They helped us with the tent... while shouting antisemitic slurs and statements such as "this party isn't for the lefties". The friend I was with is Jewish (she doesn't look Jewish tho, so they probably had no idea), so that was just. Yea. Sorry about this being so negative, but all of these experiences made me almost leave the subculture. At the end of the day, I'm a bit too attached to many parts of it, but the local community is not one of them. I'd rather just listen to my CDs by myself at this point.

#tw antisemitism #tw animal abuse #goth #goth subculture #gothgoth

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bread-tab · 1 year ago

Text

This is definitely an actual accessibility issue for me when reading things, despite otherwise being a strong reader—I trip up on unfamiliar words (particularly names) because of AuDHD brain shenanigans and end up in that loop of rereading the paragraph over and over again, getting frustrated, and having great difficulty finishing the passage. (This is a disability-level issue for things like classes with assigned readings.)

What I do about it:

Look for a pronunciation guide in the front of the book. These are uncommon but extremely valuable additions, most commonly found in textbook editions, translations of foreign books, or fantasy books with conlangs. Dramatis Personae sections are also great to refer back to. (@ publishers: Put useful front matter in your books, gosh dang it!)

Take notes. I have trouble remembering names in a large cast of characters even if they are culturally familiar to me. If I'm struggling to follow along, I grab a pen and start jotting down a few details about each character as they appear. (Eg: Bob Bouwmeester (BOW-mayster, dutch), 50yo M, brown eyes, Builder.) Usually I don't need that list anymore after I'm a few chapters into the book; it just helps with the initial phase of actually getting things into memory.

Make an effort to practice pronouncing it right in my head from the start. I have a "verbal" mental voice playing in my head most of the time when I read, and if I don't know how to pronounce something, my brain generates garbled nonsense pronunciations so it can move on and keep reading. At this point I make myself consciously stop and sound out the word. I don't want to get stuck with the garbled version, which can happen if I try to ignore this, and it's a lot harder to change it to the correct one afterward. (Like, this is actually a minor example on this scale, but I spent years calling a character named Marcia (pronounced Marsha) "Marseeya" as a kid even after my younger siblings made fun of me for it.)

If I'm really struggling/don't know anything about the language, it's not that much extra effort at that point to grab my phone and look it up (especially knowing it will save me the headache every time I see that word for the rest of the book and my life).

Actually finding a reliable source on pronunciation is a whole 'nother problem, but for quick-and-shitty there is always Google Translate, and for more reliable results you can often find something like Wiktionary or a language-specific dictionary website with a little practice at these searches.

(These kinds of strategies also work well for getting used to unfamiliar neopronouns, btw.)

This is just my frontline set of approaches for mostly casual reading, btw. If I'm in, say, an English class, that brings up another set of accessibility struggles and I have way more tactics in the toolbox for those.

There are other disabilities (eg dyslexia) that can cause the same difficulty and might need different strategies. People who need them, find them. If there's one thing disabled people hate, it's being left behind or thought of as "lazy." If we want to read the thing, we damn well find a way to read the thing.

(Although, the dyslexic people I know are more likely to listen to audiobooks, and therefore often have less trouble than I do when it comes to the pronunciation part.)

"Just give up and erase that part of the book" is a strategy, sure. It's just the last one I would go to. Because I like to learn about other cultures. Funnily enough, I don't particularly want to be told,

"You're disabled, so it's okay if you can't help being xenophobic, sweetie 😘"

#ableism #racism #xenophobia #accessibility #accessibility strategies #long post

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testedcatdraws · 3 months ago

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Thoughts on person with autism vs autistic person

(I'm autistic if that changes anything.)

I don't really have a preference, and don't think it matters. Obviously if someone prefers one way of saying it vs the other I'd respect it but in general conversation I'd use which ever suits the sentence best, which is usually autistic person since it's easier to say. Both means the same thing, just worded differently, English be like that at times.

(you may correct me if I get anything wrong in the last paragraphs since I am not an English expert, it's just my first language.)

With person with autism, autism is used as a noun, you wouldn't say autism person since that sounds like autism but humanized. It's like saying person with a bag, or person with a car. You can't be the noun, you have the noun. Unless said noun is humanized that is.

With autistic person autistic is an adjective, you wouldn't say person with autistic since it's grammatically wrong. That's like saying person with blue, or person with big. It sounds weird.

Due to this both are correct. Some people may say that autism is apart of them and not something they have but honestly, why can't it be both? This isn't to say that they can't use this to say why someone should refer to them as autistic person, but I'm saying that if the person isn't referring to them specifically that the person should be allowed to refer to the group or other person as person with autism. Especially if the person in question prefers person with autism, your preferences shouldn't trump others preferences. Onto why it could be both. I'd consider ADD as apart of me but at the same time I wouldn't say I'm an ADD person, I'd say I'm a person with ADD. I'd say ADD person actually sounds weird compared to a person with ADD, or just saying I have ADD. I don't see why this would make ADD not apart of me though, if it's apart of me by proxy shouldn't I also have it? I consider a lot things that are apart of my identity that I have (even if it's not in a physical since.)

With person with autism people may prefer person first due to wanting to be referred to as a person instead of the disorder, as they find it dehumanizing. (If you prefer person first language and this sounds off please correct me, I'm going off the internet and don't know for sure if everyone agrees with this or what not.) I don't really understand this, since I don't find autism dehumanizing. It's weird that a disorder would be viewed as dehumanizing? Though I might be misunderstanding this statement so maybe it's not what I think? Or maybe this is actually the wrong reason? I do find the idea of autism being dehumanizing kinda offensive but at the same time maybe I'm just misunderstanding like I said above.

All in all, if you're not referring to a specific person just use which ever one you prefer, and if you're referring to a specific person and they have a preference then use their preference.

#autism #autistic person #person with autism #person first language

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lionheartslowstart · 8 months ago

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Baby Reindeer

Last night, I finished watching the docu-series Baby Reindeer. Wow, just wow. Let me tell you, that series is not for the faint of heart.

I am fascinated by true crime. If I wasn't an actor, I would have become a criminal psychologist. Psychology, especially that of criminals, has always been riveting to me. While that is what initially drew my attention to Baby Reindeer, I found myself getting drawn in further and further because, well, I had a stalker once, too.

I want to preface this entry by saying that Richard Gadd had it WAY worse than I ever did. For starters, my stalker was primarily an internet stalker. As far as I am aware, she never showed up physically to anywhere I was, or followed me around. Though it is entirely possible that she did and I didn't know, or that it would have gotten to that point if she had stalked me for a longer period of time. On that note, the person who cyber-stalked me only did so for about a month. I cannot even begin to understand what it must have felt like to have someone stalk you to that degree for a full year and a half. Although, based solely on my own experience of cyber-stalking, I can imagine how traumatizing it must have been. I also firmly believe my stalker would have continued, if she hadn't discovered I was trying to serve her with a court summons. Additionally, the woman who cyber-stalked me, whom I will henceforth refer to as "Anna," was a friend at one point in time. I had (mistakenly) trusted her and cared for her at one point in my life. Whereas Richard Gadd's stalker was a relative stranger, which I'm sure added to the fear he must have experienced, not really knowing of what she might be capable.

Still, despite these vast differences in our experiences, I cannot help but notice some interesting overlap.

For starters, I was always amazed, albeit irritated, by Anna's ability to only absorb one out of every five things I said. Whether it was a word, a phrase, or even a couple of sentences, it always seemed like Anna only heard (or read) a chunk of whatever I said to her, both during our friendship and after. I would send paragraphs upon paragraphs explaining what she had done wrong, or explaining why I didn't want her in my life, yet she would only respond to one or two things, and ignore anything she didn't want to hear, or couldn't twist to her own narrative. And of course, no matter how many times I told her to leave me alone, that I didn't want to hear from her, that I didn't want any contact with her, she acted like she never heard it.

Also, like "Martha," Anna would flip-flop between telling me how much she loved me and cursing me out. One moment she would beg and tell me she would do anything for me to forgive her, the next she would tell me she hoped my mom died. One moment she would tell me she would always love me now and forever, whether I believed her or not, the next she would post how she was going to off herself and it was all my fault. She spread rumors about me, tried to ruin my other relationships, and said just the most vile, horrific stuff to me, went out of her way to trigger my PTSD and give me flashbacks, all while crying about how I had ruined her life and insisting that she loved me. Etcetera, etcetera. Just perpetual whiplash. Honestly, it's hard for me to believe it was only a month, considering how much she did in that short amount of time. I have SEVEN manila envelopes bursting with screenshots and notes about everything that happened in just those four weeks.

Additionally, Anna somehow perfectly rode the line between unhinged and shockingly calculated. In Baby Reindeer, Richard Gadd paints a picture of this deranged woman who became obsessed with him and seemed incapable of logical thought or reason. And yet, she clearly had more awareness than one might think, considering she seemed to know just how to avoid getting caught. She must have known what she was doing was wrong, at least on some level, especially considering she had been arrested in the past for the same behavior. So Anna too was more slippery than I would have liked. The PI my parents had hired wasn't able to find her without my help, and even then, Anna knew what she was walking into. I think she only agreed to meet with me because she couldn't resist the idea of getting to see me in person again. I knew her obsession with me was also her weakness. But even with her strange level of self-awareness, ability to fly under the radar, and unknown ways to creep on my private social media accounts, Anna was...unbalanced. Her messages were erratic, with an almost crazed, desperation to them. Whether it was desperation to hurt me, or to attempt to "force" me to forgive her. Every message and every post rang with a frenzy that I can't quite put into words. But I can say that I saw the same frenzy in "Martha" in Baby Reindeer.

And the anxiety. Hoo boy can I relate to the anxiety. Every time my phone vibrated I got a panic attack. It got to the point where I stopped answering the phone altogether. For that month, Anna was my whole life. (Which I'm sure is exactly what she wanted.) When I wasn't reading the horrible things she said to me or about me, I was thinking about her, worrying about what she'd do or say next, wondering how long it would be before she actually showed up somewhere, wondering why I hadn't heard from her yet that day. And even when I wasn't busy doing those things, I was busy compiling evidence for court.

Speaking of court, while "Martha" had actually faced legal consequences in the past for another case of stalking, Anna, to my knowledge, has not. That said, Anna, like "Martha," does have a history of stalking. She harassed an ex for several months, much longer than she did me, and she even dragged me along on a "date" to where her ex worked so she could spy on her. (I immensely regret enabling her that night. I was young and naive and she was my friend at the time. At that point I had no idea Anna had a history of stalking her.) Because of that history, and because she had previously followed her ex on more than one occasion, I do believe that it may very well have escalated to that point if Anna had continued stalking me.

Do I think Anna would have attacked me or one of my loved ones? No. That said, "Martha" seemed harmless enough, didn't she? I think most people wouldn't see her as a threat. With Anna, many of my loved ones were concerned with the same thing. And when I would say, "I've known this woman for almost four years, I don't think she would resort to physical violence," I was always met with some variation of: "But Sophie, clearly you never really knew her if you didn't know she was capable of THIS. So how do you know she isn't capable of violence?" Which, let's be honest, is a valid point.

One thing I loved about Baby Reindeer was Richard Gadd's brutal honesty about the part he played. While, of course, "Martha's" stalking was not Richard Gadd's fault, he does admit that he was not the perfect victim, and in some cases even encouraged her, or at the very least made unwise choices. Was I the perfect victim? No. I wouldn't say that I egged Anna on by any means, but there were better choices I could have made, both during my friendship with Anna and after. So I can also relate to the experience of wondering if things could have been different. If there was maybe something I could have done to prevent the harassment? It's difficult to not blame yourself when things like this happen, even when you know on a logical level that it's not your fault. (Though, I do maintain that no matter how I ended my friendship with her, the result would have been the same.)

In the beginning, I admit, I allowed her to get in my head and make me angry enough to respond to her. Luckily, my lawyer quickly advised me to stop engaging her and to just say "Stop contacting me." But honestly, I wish I hadn't done that either. I should have just ignored her completely. If I could go back, I wouldn't have engaged with her at all. I would have just sat back and let her cyber-stalk and harass me to her heart's content, instead of responding at all. It left me feeling emotionally drained, and I do think, in some sick, twisted way, me even just repeatedly messaging "stop contacting me" was all the validation she needed to keep going. Maybe if I hadn't responded at all, she would have gotten bored. I don't know. Bottom line, there were better choices I could have made. Whether those choices would have made any real difference, I can't be sure.

Most importantly though, I relate to Richard Gadd's admitted obsession with "Martha." I mean, let's be honest here. She stalked him back in 2014, and in the ten years since, he wrote a play, and a Netflix docu-series about it. I don't say that to judge him at all. I understand. Going through something like that changes you. To reiterate, my experience was VERY different to Richard Gadd's, and I'm not at all trying to compare the severity of his case to mine. I'm just noting the similarities, the things I can relate to, the moments I sat up in my seat and went, "huh." And when Richard Gadd said "did I miss her?" I had an involuntary moment of self-reflection.

Do I miss her?

And the horrible, horrible answer is, yes. Even though it was only a month of anxiety, panic, dread, and adrenaline, that month became my new normal. The self-righteous anger particularly became addictive to me. To the point where I agreed to meet up with her so she could "explain herself," and even allowed her to message me on Tumblr once in a while. I told myself it was to keep the peace, so that she wouldn't go on a cyber-stalking rampage again. And I maintain that that was 100% true, but I'd be lying if I said it was the only reason. The sad fact is, I relished in the opportunity to get angry with her. Almost like I was getting to make up for, not just the cyber-stalking, but the hell she put me through when we were friends. (She was not a good friend, y'all.) But especially the betrayal of everything she did during that month. It fueled a fire in me I don't know I'll be able to ever put out.

A couple of months ago, I finally put the kibosh on any contact with her at all. She had the audacity to ask me to get lunch with her, to "catch up" and I knew I had to burn it all down then and there. The fact that she would think that was an acceptable thing to do, after not only everything she put me through in only four weeks, but after I repeatedly reiterated to her that our contact was not ever going to leave this website, astonished me. Then again, she was CLEARLY never good with boundaries in the first place, so I shouldn't have been too surprised. In that moment, I knew that I had to completely sever all ties. That it was not healthy for me to have any form of contact with her, to give her any sort of leeway, lest it give her a shred of hope that we could be friends, or worse, that I might accidentally let slip something personal that she could later use against me, as she is clearly wont to do.

Despite this, I still think about her. I wonder which of my social media accounts she has looked at today, despite the fact that I have her blocked on everything. (And yes, I am 100% sure that she is still looking at my accounts, though most likely not every day.) I think about the comment she left on a YouTube video I was in, but hastily deleted when she realized I was responding to the comments. I think about all the things I want to say to her, knowing they would only fall on deaf ears, and all I would be doing is giving her the satisfaction of interacting with her. Even now, as I type this, I know with certainty that she is reading it, smirking over my admission, and equally upset at the comparison drawn between her and "Martha." But despite this knowledge, the knowledge that me even writing this is giving her some sort of weird satisfaction, I must be honest. Honesty is the first step to healing and closure. And that is what I want.

Above all else, I think the thing I obsess about the most is the same reason I started to watch Baby Reindeer in the first place...Why? Why did Anna do this? What sickness makes a person capable of doing something like that to another human being? Whether it's a complete stranger, or someone you've been friends with for years. What kind of psyche results in this kind of person, who does and says these kinds of things? There is an insatiable curiosity in me, one I know I will never be able to satisfy. There are so many questions that will never be answered, so many things I want to shout at her, to metaphorically shake her and scream "Why don't you understand this?!" But at the end of the day, there would never be a point. She would never understand, never be able to leave the bubble reality that she has created for herself, and never fully take accountability for all she did without somehow finding a way to blame me for it. After all, like my boyfriend says, "Logic does not work with illogical people."

Considering how much worse Richard Gadd had it than me, do I think it will take me 10+ years to move on? Probably not. But honestly? I don't know. The depths Anna sunk to, the things she said and did, I can't fathom a time when I will no longer dwell on the anger, to suddenly want to yell at her, to tell her all the things I think and feel and to MAKE her see how absolutely unhinged she is. And I know that's exactly what she wants. She wants to make an imprint on my mind, for me to never forget her, and to be as obsessed with her as she is with me. Unfortunately, so far it seems she's gotten exactly what she wanted. Well, except for one thing, and arguably the most important thing. Me. She will never have me in her life ever again, and despite whatever vitriol she may have spewed about me, I know that's what she really wants. But even typing this, and feeling this icky form of pride, I know that's unhealthy. To think of her this way. I long for a day when I can think of her with indifference. Or better yet, when I don't think of her at all.

I hope it comes one day. In the meantime, at least there's therapy.

#stalker #stalked #cyberstalking #personal #true crime

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