#Why do I keep getting attracted
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I LOVE YOU💕💖❤️🫶
Skz🤨
#skz#straykids#skzstay#straykidsmademestay#stray kids everywhere all around the world#case 143#Why do I keep getting attracted#Abcdefg i gotta let you know oh woah
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no bc when you stop and think about the full implications of fitz and the fool calling each other “beloved” you do have to go a little crazy. it’s required. because what do you mean that 6 sentences after fitz thinks, “being fitz had never been that enticing an existence” the fool summons him back to himself by calling him “beloved” and renewing their bond. what do you mean fitz refers to this as “burning my identity into me.” what do you mean “the word echoed through me, rebounded me from my fraying edges, found and bound me.” what do you mean. are you not going insane.
#me#rote spoilers#fitzloved#Fitz and the fool trilogy#fools quest#realm of the elderlings#like I know we all talk about it and we all get it but do we really. do we really Get It.#this chapter begins with Fitz and the Fool having an INSANE conversation about their relationship#where neither of them can see past their own self-loathing/self-recrimination#Fitz is like ‘I’m such a terrible person for abandoning u last night selfishly’#and the fool is like ‘please god all I want is for u to abandon me selfishly bc I’ve ruined your life’#and it’s. it’s. insane bc. they’re calling each other beloved. they’re calling each other beloved but they don’t get it. they don’t realize#that the other MEANS it.#like this chapter is literally: Fitz berates himself. Fitz then gets overwhelmed by the skill. He starts to disperse into the skill-current#bc the dissolution of his person into the void is attractive to the mental state he’s in#AND THEN!! the fool calls him beloved. AND IT PULLS HIM BACK. INTO HIMSELF. INTO HIS IDENTITY.#HIS IDENTITY IS BELOVED. HE IS BELOVED. THATS WHY HES STILL HERE. BECAUSE PEOPLE LOVE HIM. THE FOOL LOVES HIM.#they cannot see it themselves but their love for each other keeps the other going!!!!
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Arthur stop luring men in they’ll get hung
#podcast#malevolent#arthur lester#why does he keep doing this#why does he keep attracting priests#Arthur I love you and ur homoerotic tension between people’s but it’s like either the 1300s or 1900s they’ll get hung#john doe#the entity
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oh okay hiiiii parkour king 😻
#video#hyunjin#why do i keep getting attracted.. a wise man once said and that’s what i am wondering too.
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「いかないで」
arataka reigen/reader angst and fluff
vent
× × ×
You're leaving again.
'It's just a short trip,' you'd assured him. 'I'll be back in a week.' 'I'll be back before you know it.' 'I'll be safe.' 'I won't die.'
He knows you'll be alright. He knows you'll be safe. He knows you'll be back in a week. He knows you won't die, but he can't— he can't get those horrible, horrible thoughts of you dying in unimaginably terrible ways out of his head. He knows you'll be okay, but he can't stop thinking about why, how, you might not be.
The two of you sit on those cold airport chairs, the metal chilling his skin. He holds your hand in a bruising grip, his knuckles white. He breathes hard, struggling to keep himself from crying. He shouldn't cry. He shouldn't cry.
Your suitcase sits in front of you as you scroll mindlessly on your phone, not paying attention to him. It's so cold. The steel of the chair is so cold. The air-conditioning is so cold. Why are you so cold to him right now?
Your hand is warm. Your thumb caressing the back of his hand is nice. You're nice. You're warm. You shouldn't leave. Why do you need to leave? Don't go.
He hears the words of the airport attendant over the speaker, announcing that the last flight of the day was prepared to be boarded. He panics, a tremor coming to his hands, his eyes growing wet and glassy with tears. He blinks them away before you can see.
You switch off your phone. You get up and off the chair, taking your luggage in a hand and beginning to walk off. His hand slips from yours, and he scrambles to follow.
He's too slow. He's too slow to follow you.
He stares at you as you walk. He stares as that god forsaken bag rolls across the smooth marble floors, making a sound so grating and horrid it makes him want to rip his ears from his head.
He shouldn't cry. He wants to stop you. He wants you to stay. He wants to say those words, he really, really wants to say those words.
'Don't go.'
As the doors slide shut, hiding you from view, he can't hold it in anymore.
He falls to his knees, burying his head in his hands. He cries, he sobs, he begs you to stay, knowing that you aren't here anymore, knowing you can't hear him.
He knows you'll be back. He knows you'll be fine. He knows you won't die. He knows you'll be safe. He knows you'll be fine when you come back. He knows when you'll come back.
Do you not like him? Do you hate him? Why do you have to leave?
He knows why. He can't come along. He wishes, he begs to whatever god is merciful, but none of them listen.
You're leaving again.
He knows he shouldn't cry. He really, really shouldn't cry, but he still, so selfishly, wants to say those words to you.
'Don't go.'
It's so cold. Why is it so cold? Why is the airport so empty? Why is it so dark?
Why can't you stay?
He dries his eyes, leaving the airport. The night is cold, silent, as if judging him. He's being so childish, crying and worrying over a week-long separation. He shouldn't cry.
The floor seems to swim and shift underneath his feet, as if trying to knock him to the ground. The night is falling apart. His vision is blurry. His head hurts. His hands shake. His knees tremble.
He boards the bus, sitting down on the cold plastic seats. He shouldn't cry. He shouldn't cry.
He checks his messages excessively, looking at your empty chat for hours, staring at the illuminated words on the bright screen.
'I'll be back soon!'
He imagines watching you lying down in a hospital bed. He imagines watching you pass on. He imagines your funeral. He imagines your gravestone. He imagines feeling the rough stone underneath his fingertips as he caresses it. He imagines bringing flowers to your grave. He imagines bringing your favourite food to your grave. He imagines crying at your grave. He imagines his tears wetting the soil. He imagines how lonely he'll be without you.
That night, he cries himself to sleep.
× × ×
You look so happy in those pictures you send him.
You're smiling. You're laughing. You're grinning.
You're so much more attractive than usual. You're so much more pretty than usual. Your eyes sparkle so much more than usual. Your hair is so much more shiny than usual. Your smile is so much more radiant than usual.
He stares at the pictures for hours.
He dreads the cold nights. He dreads the lonely mornings. He misses you.
He doesn't go to work all week. He stays at home, sitting in his cold, cold room, the blankets and coats and sweaters and scarves doing nothing. He's so cold without you. Why did you have to leave? You're so warm, and he's so cold. Why did you have to leave?
He doesn't eat, he barely sleeps, just staring at those pictures you sent him. Staring at your happy face, staring at your beaming smile. Staring at you.
Why are you so happy without him? Why don't you seem to miss him? What did he do wrong? Do you not love him? Why do you hate him?
He misses you. He loves you so, so much. He wants you to come back.
He counts the minutes. He counts the hours. He counts every minute you don't message him, and he counts every minute that you do. He counts every minute you call him, and he counts every minute you don't.
Seven more days. Six more days.
He misses you.
Five more days. Four more days.
He misses you.
Three more days. Two more days.
He misses you.
One more day.
He misses you.
× × ×
It's the last day. He's ecstatic, a wide, dopey grin plastered on his face as he quickly showers the first time that week and changes into something presentable. It's all for you.
He runs to the bus when you message that you're reaching soon. He sprints, almost falling over, scrambling up the bus's stairs and settling, shaking, into a cold plastic seat. He's still so, so cold without you. You're so warm, and he's going to be able to feel your heat again.
He stumbles out of the bus, almost falling over as he runs as fast as he can into the cold airport, almost slipping on the cold, smooth marble floors. He sits in the cold metal chair, waiting impatiently. He checks his messages obsessively, watching that live location thing you'd sent him. He watches as your little icon glides slowly across the path. It feels like it goes on forever.
You finally arrive.
He scrambles out of his seat, sprinting towards the doors as they slide open and you slip through. He runs into you, wrapping his arms around you and squeezing, squeezing so hard it pushes the air out of your lungs and leaves purple bruises on your skin.
He holds the back of your head in a tight, crushing hand, running his fingers through your hair. He buries his face in your hair, breathing in your shampoo. He's breathing heavily, and his breathing quickens further when you give a tight hug in return, burying your face into the crook of his neck.
He's shaking, you notice. His grip is tight, crushing, bruising, and he doesn't let go for a long, long time.
When he finally does, though, he lets out a long, slow sigh, his grip loosening a little as he puts some distance in between the two of you, just enough for him to look at your face. He cradles your cheek, his expression calm, calmer than you've ever seen it before.
"I missed you," he says simply, brushing his thumb over your cheekbone. You wrap your fingers around his wrist, pressing his palm to your face as you smile at him. "I missed you too."
Those words make him feel good, make him feel better than he's ever felt. You missed him. You missed him even though you were having so much fun. You still love him.
Your eyes light up.
"I got you a gift," you say excitedly, rummaging through your bag. You pull out a small box, about the size of your palm. He takes it from you almost immediately, ripping the cover off.
It's a bracelet. A small, silver one, elegant chain wrapping around winding branches. Gemstones line the sparkling metal. He struggles to get it on, his fingers shaky and his movements fast, almost frantic.
You laugh in amusement. "You like it?"
He envelops you in a crushing hug again, muttering and mumbling as his grip tightens around you. "I love it," you hear, barely intelligible. "I love you. Oh, I love you..."
He releases you from the suffocating hug, his hands on the small of your back.
"Can we go for ramen now?" He asks, almost begs. He's starving, not having eaten a proper meal for a week. "Please? Anata?"
Your heart flutters at the sound of him using that pet name for you. It's so, so rare to hear him calling you anything other than your name. You don't mind it, of course, but this is a... Pleasant surprise.
You smile. "Of course."
His dopey grin widens as he takes your hand in a bruising grip, leading you out of the airport and to his favourite ramen shop.
He's warm.
#vent#Spotify#im gonna vent in the tags <3 really feeling this one boys#ive never related to a song this much. i havent even experienced romantic attraction before#it feels so stupid. i feel so stupid#theres so many things going on in my life and i cant#i cant keep track of any of them.#i get plenty of love. i have good friends. i have a good mum and a cool dad.#why cant i accept their love?#its so perfect. its so perfect. my life is perfect; flawless. why cant i see that?#why do i want to die?#...#it really breaks me how simple that sentence is.#「いかないで。」#no kanji. no fancy pronouns. nothing.#like a child.#reigen arataka#arataka reigen#angst#reigen x reader#arataka reigen x reader#reigen arataka x reader#did anyone leave? no. im just lonely
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I try to be all let people do fandom how they want but oh boy. The bad takes everywhere about beetee and wiress. Stumbled on a reddit thread saying beetee's a mary sue whose only trait is being smart like.... get away from my man actually! People who think wiress has to be brain damaged and is unable to have any "normal" social interaction?? Literally how is it possible to misunderstand them so badly its not even like there's a million words of layered complexity to sift through a lot of it is explicitly stated/shown in the tiny amount of time the narrative gives to both of them. (And the way they're both commonly erased from the Quell alliance ugh.)
THIS!!! oh my god i will never not be mad about the common misinterpretations in this fandom. like of course wiress was having trouble communicating, she was literally going through possibly the worst thing that ever happened to her AGAIN. yes beetee is mainly characterized as being smart but that’s because he’s a side character with not much information on him, not because he’s a mary sue. like are we idiots. have we learned nothing in english class.
#dayne answers#and them being taken out of the quarter quell alliance… oh do not even get me started#if i see one more tiktok edit of katniss peeta johanna and finnick labeled as the golden alliance i will kill someone#like btw… there were more people in that#and we can’t even just blame it on the movies because beetee and wiress were in those too#i think it’s honestly about conventionally attractive actors. like yes jeffrey and amanda are gorgeous people but they were older#and not as pretty as jennifer josh sam and jena#which is honestly so disgusting. this is quite literally a franchise about children fighting to the death and then the one who survives#being forced into prostitution. get over yourselves.#it’s like the inherent sexualization of finnick’s character which i could talk for fucking days about#this is why i try to keep my hcs very neutral#like yes i could talk about what i believe beetee’s stance on the rebellion was and what made him finally join#or i could tell you his favorite color is blue. your choice.#it’s scary out here.#thg#the hunger games#wiress thg#wiress#wiress lisiecki#dayne’s wiress thoughts (TM)#beetee latier#dayne’s beetee tag#beetress
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do NOT let Blanche get into the X-ray glasses jar!!!!!!!! /j/ref
#drew this yesterday & debated confining it to Twitter or letting it escape onto here as well#it’s just too funny not to. I had to at least post a cropped version.#(believe it or not this was supposed to be only a study ((of the very obviously detailed clothing)) & then the ref popped up on my dash)#(I just had to)#silly nothing headcanon (kind of angsty … sorry in advance) but I just think that Dorothy **very secretly** owns#some Very pretty things to fight off the insecurity & constant jabs at her features. I rlly think being a little hyper-feminine in secret#(it’s no secret honestly. who’s she fooling. her confidence is what keeps her from doing what she’d like to)#would keep her from being completely depressed about it all. because she *knows* that she’s feminine & attractive but it’s really hard to#believe that when what you know deep down is constantly being challenged and beaten down. I’m making no sense but I think that embracing#her own desires & allowing herself to be feminine in an ‘extravagant’ way would help slowly build back her confidence.#I’d argue we see her doing a little of that in season 6-7 actually — she becomes very open about the kind of person she’s attracted to (&#allows herself to swoon!!!!!!!!!) & that is huge for her !!!!!!! regardless of if she gets shot down by Blanche or Sophia she still#communicates & reiterates that she *is* an attractive & desirable woman & no amount of bitterness from the others will change that!!!!!#wow this turned into a ramble completely off topic LMAO can you imagine. this silly meme inspired a whole heartfelt ‘reasons why Dorothy#deserves to embrace her femininity’ essay#okay that’s all. enjoy
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Hi folks! It seems like people are discovering that there are people online who write some WEIRD! 👎 stuff for Nevermoor. Some tips and tricks for dealing with that:
Don't engage. Don't read the fics. Don't even comment to say how much you hate it.
Don't spread it around. It's gross as hell, I know! But being like "ew, guys, I found this gross fic" just means you're causing more people to seek out said gross fic, and that's just not great. If you don't want to see it, no one else wants to either.
If you can: block, mute, or filter. I don't really use any fanfic sites to know if these functionalities exist, but I'm sure people online have found ways. Edit: here's a way to do it on Ao3.
TL;DR: Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. 👍
(PS: Same thing goes for when people send weird inappropriate anon messages. Just delete them from your inbox and don't subject others to them.)
This is unfortunately something that's been present for years in the fandom, on both Ao3 and Wattpad. This is also why I essentially don't read Nevermoor fics unless they're for Mogtober, and even then I'm cautious. I have seen some weird stuff written about my favorite characters that I wish I could pluck from my brain and set on fire, or worse! But when I stumble across that stuff, I just quickly close the tab and pivot to something else to get my mind off of it.
We should not entertain these types of people in a fandom full of minors about a middle grade series, so: just don't engage with them, ignore them, filter them out, and maybe even drown them out with some fics of your own.
#good talk 👍#nevermoor#nevermoor fandom#nevermoor fanfic#why oh why does this fandom attract the occasional weirdo.#I'd be using stronger language when talking abt these types of folks but i'd prob get banned.#as an adult in this fandom I feel I have a responsibility to keep folks safe from weirdos 👍 i've banned folks on discord + i'd do it again#years ago there was a weird af fic on ao3 that I noticed folks were kudos'ing and I had to be like. hey guys pls don't do that 😭#unfortunately ao3 moderation and rules are NONEXISTENT!!! so there's nothing ppl can do except the stuff above :/#and I wouldn't know abt wattpad bc I went on there once to see what mogtober stuff ppl wrote and was horrified and noped out of there 😬#anyways. all the more reason to participate in mogtober. so everyone's writing stuff in order to bury the gross stuff. creation for a cause#(and bc mogtober is fun and everyone should participate. lol)#soz for the psa folks but I deemed it necessary 🤷 feel free to enjoy the art I just posted as well#just been on the internet toooo long and don't like the thought or reality of young folks being exposed in any way to this kind of stuff. 😕#couldn't figure out where to fit this emoji in so here: 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢. thats me and my constant feeling whenever this stuff pops up again. 😑
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Unclear who's holding who hostage in this relationship (picrew)
WARNING:: BARELY CONTAINED YAPPING
The story: Inessa is OBSESSED with Essex. Terrified to ask them but every time she sees them she experiences the worst bisexual panic known to man. She is INFATUATED for months before Essex even notices that she's stalking them. When they DO notice that Inessa is the one leaving them increasingly more threatening and violent love notes, they assume Inessa is human, just a particularly sick and weird lonely one and decides they want a free meal, because it's been a good long while since they've been properly full.
It's worth noting at this point that Inessa can sense magical or otherwise inhuman people. It's how she instantly sees through Jess-Ava's disguise (if Jess-Ava didn't give it away with her A+ acting). She assumes all vampyrs can do this.
(spoiler alert they can't)
So Essex slides up real smooth next to Inessa and asks for her number. Inessa promptly melts and gives it to them. They text for about thirty seconds before Essex decides it's probably safe to invite Inessa to their house. It is ABSOLUTELY not safe Inessa is insane and shouldn't be trusted even a little bit but they invite her regardless.
When Essex inevitably tries to turn a teenage make-out session into a true crime story, Inessa shoves them off while they spit out all the dust Inessa's rapidly regenerating carotid artery turned into, utterly confused at why Essex would even try that. She then reveals her sixtyfivehead and waits for Essex to tell her that no, they didn't express an interest in her just to eat her because they thought she was human.
They don't.
She runs home and gives herself a pat on the back for keeping it together long enough to make it to Jess-Ava's old cabin. She proceeds to ugly cry for six straight hours.
Essex feels like shit and tries to make it up to her by going on a few real dates, although just as friends. Inessa doesn't let the friends status stay though and they eventually start for real dating after a few months and it's not questionable at all
#shitpost#picrew#essex sirknaim#inessa mori#vampyr#essex is genderfluid#his pronouns change every hour on the hour and if you dont guess them right she gets to eat you#essex is also canonically ☝️ wildly fucking attractive#i mean their vampyr traits are a too-wide smile and catfish pupils but they just keep out of the sun yk#the rizzlerrrrr#so inessa is totally justified to leave them sweet little letters like “I WILL ALWAYS FIND YOU” written in deer blood on their their locker#also “TILL DEATH DO US PART” carved into a boar carcass right next to essex's lime green 2004 honda accord#this is basically like writing “MARRY ME” in red sharpie on your senior high crush's sandwich btw#without telling them#and in fact you don't write it on their planned lunch you buy and write it on a big mac before secretly dropping it on their desk#still an insane thing to do but less weird in carnivorous immortal creature context#the school had several students unenrolled after the incident with a human ring finger showing up in essex's hollowed out calculus textbook#ive decided inessa is absolutely crazy over this white boy#fun essex fact: their birthname is charlie. despite being gender neutral they decided it wasnt cool enough#fun VAMPYR fact: they tend to keep their partners for life. so essex doesn't have GREAT odds of escaping their crazy girlfriend#i havent worked out why inessa just fucking locked onto this spiky hair queer freak who she could frankly find ten of at any pride event#but its not going to be for normal teenage girl reasons#also another fun tidbit: just like how they regenerate between seconds and weeks depending on the injury; vampyr flesh rots INSANELY fast#thats why their blood is black#its not because of a low oxygen content its because it instantly rots away into a puddle of tar#its because vampyrs cannibalising each other would wipe out the whole species and also to make them less apetising to other large predators#i apologise for my yapping but not really
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tagged by @skeletonsloverockcandy! Thanks for tagging me I've missed these posts
Last song: End of Beginning by Djo I was making an end of the year edit for a friend and we both had this in our top 5 this year cause we were living together until june
Favorite color: probably pink but it keeps changing
Last book: I've just started The Invisible Man by HG Wells for the first time. My friend and I have our bdays 1 day apart and we went out and got used books and swapped them and I'm on a SciFi streak rn
Last movie: I saw War of the Rohirrim at the cinema this week. It was okay. Just okay. Not bad, I have some thoughts but I'm not dumping all of that here.
Last TV show: The 3 Body Problem. I think this is what started my SciFi streak actually.
Sweet/savory/spicy: 100% savory. I only have like a couple specific sweets I like
Relationship: Finally cured of a rly long crush I'd had
Last thing I googled: the Wikipedia page for Milka chocolate cause I wanted to see if my fav Cherry Cream flavor is on there. And it's not. So I went to edit it. And the Cherry Cream edit is apparently already pending. Heartbreak. Hurry up.
Current obsession: History of the entire universe on YT and then reading the Wikipedia page and the articles they link to for every concept they mention. I've seen some of the videos like 5 times I'm fr trying to understand string theory over here. (I don't know physics) I just wish they'd properly reference every sources.
Looking forward to: finally finding a job and hopefully having colleagues I can have smoke breaks with (I miss my uni smoke breaks that was prime gossip time)
I was supposed to tag 10 ppl but uhhh
@aearyn @elvenhymntoelbereth @adjacentrecluse
if you feel like it!
#gibberish#the last book I actually finished makes me sound like an asshole tho#I read the theory of relativity like 2 weeks ago#again I do NOT know physics#I took notes cause I couldn't keep up with it all but he literally explains every single thing#I genuinely recommend it einstein was such a chill fucking dude actually#like I'm not trying to be a snob I genuinely have no one to talk to about this and my space videos and I get so hyped abt it#I think I tried to mention it to said crush like a month or two ago and they asked “why”#and that's when attraction ended
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that art with luci in drag basically just alastor dancing with skinny mimzy lol and why would alastor suddenly be flustered if someone who's looking girly start to flirting/dancing with him? he has it all the time by the look of it! you want him flustered? take the lead away from him and change his outfit and here you go if canon anything to go by :)
Hmm i think the appeal people get out of making Alastor flustered to see Luci in a flapper dress is that Lucifer is wearing an outfit from his time-period, which he finds appealing and attractive, especially if there's not a lot of things in Hell that remind him of home. But if Lucifer is just in drag, I mean...yeah, I kind of agree with you, Anon. (Comparing drag Lucifer to skinny Mimzy reminds me of the Anon who compared minx Lucifer to Angel Dust in the bad wig, and fljsnglkjangljbgljkbg the snort I made 🤣 But also, yeah??? kind of???)
You know? What I want to see if flapper!Al dancing with flapper!Mimzy. Now THAT sounds adorable.
But yeah, I don't see how Lucifer just being in a dress and wearing make-up would fluster Alastor. I mean, Lucifer would look good, for sure, but idk...maybe? Sort of? But also, it doesn't make a lot of sense to my brain??? But also maybe??? But also no???
I don't know, I don't see how Lucifer looking more feminine would fluster Alastor. I don't see him finding it more attractive, not in the sense the Lucifer isn't attractive, but in the sense that him being looking feminine just...isn't a turn on for him. Like, yeah, he thinks Lucifer looks good, but he doesn't find any extra attraction in it. Lucifer is just in a dress now, and he makes it work👍time to hit the dance floor!
Maybe if there's more attraction involved between them? Like, seeing Lucifer in something new and different could be flustering and appealing? But even considering that, I just...can't see it. I can't see Alastor getting flustered by it. It's not computing.
I GUESS, maybe, considering how much of a distance Alastor keeps from men in the show and how much more comfortable he seems around women, Lucifer appearing more feminine could be appealing to him. But even then, I don't see Alastor being flustered by it so much as feeling more comfortable around Lucifer because of it. I feel like he naturally relaxes and feels more safe around women and femininity, and so would let his guard down more easily. He wouldn't be so on edge or keep his distance so much.
Now THAT I find appealing, actually. The more I think about Lucifer appearing feminine as a way of putting Alastor at ease, the more my brain is opening up to feminine Lucifer. Not with him losing ALL his masculine qualities, or turning into a delicate little waif, but him making an effort to present himself in a way that he knows Alastor feels more comfortable around, while also not permanently changing himself to fit that ALL the time (because that feels like a toxic thing to do).
#Alastor being flustered by more feminine qualities makes no sense to me#he's shown no attraction towards feminity or masculinity#but Alastor feeling more COMFORTABLE around feminity makes a lot more sense#I can see him cutting loose a lot more with feminine Lucifer#and maybe as he starts getting used to Lucifer in that way#he starts getting more comfortable with masculine Lucifer too#it's all about learning to trust babe#I do want know SO bad why Alastor keeps such a distance with the men in the show#the closest man he is to is Husk#and it's implied he was close to Vox at one point#and he's amiable with Zestial#but there's still so much antagonism between him and Vox#and it felt more like he respected Zestial not that he was at ease around him#I WANT TO KNOW MORE#asks#anon#anonymous#radioapple#appleradio#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#the radio demon#lucifer morningstar#lucifer magne#alastor x lucifer#lucifer x alastor#duckiedeer
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if you’ve ever been mean to the sweet little girl that is paimon i will kill you. i pray for public interest that this is common knowledge.
#she’s just a sweet thing! i don’t understand the unnecessary hate. and then you ask why all joy & wonder has been sucked from this world.#it’s you !! motherfucker.#it’s because you keep hating !! it’s because you’re a fucking hater that’s what you are !! sword to the chest. & you’re on fire.#I’ve had that phrase stuck in my head for so long now. sword to the chest. & you’re on fire.#but anyway yeah she’s just a curious little thing. would you prefer deafening silence?#I bet if it was some tall attractive man doing this EXACT same shit you’d all be in love.#would you prefer a companion who doesn’t trust you enough to be vulnerable?#is curiosity not vulnerability?#is her dependency on you for food & mora not vulnerability?#she is like a child to me & I will protect her with my life.#she is like my little daughter. who is on trial for FALSE ALLEGATIONS OF BEING A FUCKING MENACING WAR CRIMINAL?#ARE YOU ALL OUT OF YOUR MINDS.#LOOK AT HER.#NOT A THOUGHT BEHIND THOSE EYES.#‘ITS JUST A THEORY’ KILL YOURSE#sorry.#heart emoji.#she has literally no-one!! fuck you! !!! everyone who sees her just makes fun of her.#she is like my weird fucked up daughter who keeps getting bullied at school and i don’t really know what to do about it except like. kill#✧.*🌹
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Again again thinking
#like am I asexual or do i just fear physical intimacy because of my assault#like I have desire I experience arousal#hell I fucking love smut#but whenever I’m with a girl#like going on dates recently and even with my exes#I haven’t actually felt physical attraction to them#and the couple of times I tried to ignore that and make out or have sex#I would freeze up and dissociate#or have a panic attack#or just physically feel nothing when being touched#it’s really confusing#because also the two times I’ve developed actual feelings for someone it’s only been after knowing them for 2+ years#and I’ve been physically attracted to those two people#so like okay I think the biggest most obvious issue here is that I have not been attracted to the people I’ve been intimate with#but I desire physical intimacy so I try to engage in it anyway#and then the ptsd enters the room and complicates things further#and this is why dating is so exhausting#because even people that say they want to take things slow don’t really fully get what I mean#but I also understand not wanting to continue getting to know someone that is not attracted to you when you went into this to#ostensibly form a relationship#what does annoy me is when they respond to my honesty about not being attracted with#‘I’d love to keep getting to know you as a friend’#and then never talk to me again#like come on please just be real with me#I desire intimacy but can’t mentally or physically do casual hookups#and at this point I think I might give up on dating because it’s actually so draining#I think the only way for me to meet a potential partner is to keep making new friends and see what happens#but I don’t have energy to do anything or go anywhere outside of work#so I guess I’ll just be a spinster with a diverse sex toy collection and a Zoloft prescription
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i knew i was indecisive but holy shit it never stops
#it took me SIX YEARS to get to a point of being confident enough with the idea of being bi/liking girls to consider coming out to people#and now i'm sitting here going through ANOTHER crisis like.#have i ever actually been sexually attracted to a man? like a literal physical real life man?#do i just like men like romantically/conceptually? what do i do about this?????#have i just never had really good sex? is that why i really do not want to keep having sex with men?#or do i just not want to have sex with them because i'm not actually attracted to them sexually?#also its been almost exactly two months since my Big Queer Revelation of 2024 and i'm still hung up on the same girl but like x1000 now so.#i'm so confused and i hate this it took me so long to get everything sorted out and now its confusing again#and i don't really have anyone to talk to about this who would like. get it#abby.txt
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Instagram keeps showing me reels of someone with a handle named something like jamesmaythristtraps and like, they are truly doing gods work but I can't like or comment on these masterpieces because I know what kind of snitch of an app it is 😔
#well atleast now I have figured out how to keep myself warm in upcoming winter months#no but#how do people handle their relatives following them online#????????#pretty recently friend of a friend was like “oh what's your insta =)??”#and its like#I have four posts and one of those is mf rick astley should I be explaining myself ??#banging my head against the table like why couldn't I just get my fangirling on for bts or something#or maybe more like out of all the 80s acts why did I fall hard for the one who is memed to death#I mean okay rickrolling can be funny#and he looked goofy there#top tier Tintin cosplay#even with my attraction to James its like#I feel like I should be explaining myself because he's old#and most likely not what when people think about male celebrities people drool over ...#maybe shamed myself into thinking “I shouldn't be attracted to this” “this is abnormal so it must be wrong”#I mean tons of girlies like men like him#but then I see guys my age say things like “I should go to the gym so women would pay attention to me”#or putting weird flexing photos on their dating profiles (not even just flexing with their muscles but like cars or watches... or fish...)#like I don't care about your boring ass new volkswagen ????#and in that case it wasn't even just one photo... I don't care for new cars they all look the same :-/#it just makes me go ? am I supposed to be attracted to this ?#is this the norm??#why can't I be normal aaaa#so in conclusion#I'm deeply ashamed of my interests and attractions lol#hopefully I will someday grow out of this#all the peer support is welcomed on this post lmao
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even though i really love what hrt is doing to me it has made me so self conscious because i know my body is changing more visibly now and i don't like the idea that people who know me very well will be able to see that. i just hate the idea of people looking at me. and i worry that the people i care about will like me less the more they look at me because i'm ugly
#some of my mum's family keep calling me fat now bc of the t weight gain as well which is irritating to me#1) i'm still clinically underweight according to the doctor 2) so fucking what if i was. why is it my problem that you're archaic#if you think being fat is bad that's like. fully your problem. that's on you. grow up and get a grip#and also i'm already hyper aware of the fact that my body has changed. i don't need you to keep drawing attention to it#it's frustrating because like. i WANT to gain weight. i feel way better abt how i look and i feel like i'm more attractive#but they keep making me feel guilty for it and like everyone is silently noticing and judging me for it#it's like. the whole time you've known me i've been miserable and consistently trying to off myself#i also spent my ENTIRE childhood and teen years taking care of my siblings + grandmother bc you guys couldn't be arsed#and now i'm finally doing something for myself that is making me way happier and you can't let me have that#i still have to see them regularly because they're living with my grandmother who i am obligated to visit#partly because she's ill and partly because i'm the one who does all her chores that she can't do anymore#because you guessed it. the family members living with her just sit around doing fuck all so i have to do it all instead#and last weekend i spent five hours raking leaves + moving bricks so when i came back in i was starving#and AS SOON as i started eating my (fake)auntie was like. girl you eat too much.#BROTHER ?????????? suck my fat cock ??? leave me alone ?????????#being so Out in the real world vs being so insanely Closeted in front of my family is so ew#it reminds me of being a closeted teenager living at home feeling like i was constantly harbouring this embarrassing evil secret#when really i'm just putting gel on my arm every day and eating five packets of ramen in one sitting#when i'm in queer spaces / on my own / having sex i feel so good abt myself i don't have an ounce of dysphoria#and then i go home and it's like oh. i'm actually the most disgusting evil creature on this planet and i deserve death#whatever. trans people and lesbians think i'm hot and i got mad head game so who gives a fuck
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