#What the fuck do you mean you got emotionally attached to your patient how do you even have the fucking time

[overly-hubristic-mad-scientist]

One thing about Dr. Daniel Cain is that he’s gonna be positively shit at his job

[poisonous-lemonade]

Obey Me but With a Child!MC

How would the Older Obey me brothers act if the MC was a human child (4-8 years of age)?

Younger Brother Ver. Datables Ver.

The 5 demons sat inside the assembly hall of RAD. Awaiting the next arrival of the newest human exchange student. Beelzebub, grumpily muttering to himself. Asmodeus, looking at their nails idly. Satan, waiting patiently. And Lucifer and Diavolo gave each other worried looks when it was taking the student longer than they expected.

Suddenly, someone appeared on the floor in front of them, looking down. Diavolo stood to speak but then he saw how...small the human was. Lucifer seemed to notice too but only offered a reassuring smile towards Diavolo. That was before the human looked up. With tears in their eyes, trying to hold back their sobs. Grabbing the attention of the other 3 demons.

"Lucifer, is that a child?"

Lucifer

Rightly confused

He did not know this would happen

There is a child...in Devildom...a human child

He's internally freaking out but he manages to be the calmest person in the room

He's dealt with children before, he's sure a human child would be a nice change of pace

He was so wrong

"It is a merely human child, Lord Diavolo, we cannot keep them." He insists. "They are a child." Diavolo squealed in amusement, watching you play with Diavolo's already large hands which now looked 10x bigger compared to yours. You turned your head to look at Lucifer, his face stern but...oddly welcoming. He could see a certain mischief in your eyes and held back a groan. He does not want to calm you down again.

His brother's warmed up fairly quickly to you, seeing how you all had a shared interest

Luci on the other hand...not so much

But that doesn't mean he isn't protective of you

He's probably the most protective out of his brothers

When he's not busy and you *surprisingly* have nothing to do, he'll let you stay in his office

His reasoning is that he doesn't want you to get lost

You totally got him something for father's day

And he totally hated it

But he keeps it in his office at all times

It keeps him going sometimes

Keeps him calm...

...most of the time

it's a really fucking ugly gift

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Mammon

Okay, when he got the call from Lucifer he didn't want to answer it

He did end up answering

Then he heard your voice and broke down

He started laughing hysterically

He almost made you cry

Key word here is almost because when he heard Lucifer's voice, he yelped so loud that you fell down laughing, his brothers right behind you

Yeah, he was less than pleased when Lucifer told him to play protector

"Oi! Don't laugh at me you jerks!" Mammon screamed, causing you to laugh much harder. "Stop it! Lucifer, who is that?!" Lucifer chuckled into the phone making Mammon shiver. "The human exchange student." Mammon paused before speaking. "The WHAT?!"

Two words - emotionally attached

He would never leave you alone ever

I'm saying he stays in your room most nights because you had one nightmare

One.

No matter who's in the room, he'll be there, sitting on the floor next to you just to hold your hand in his

He also buys you whatever you want

Snacks, toys, clothes, unnecessary jewellery, anything you want

He's like the rich art cousin who's in dept but who'll do anything for their younger cousins

He cries every time you call him your best friend and most definitely breaks down when you call him family

He's taken care of his brothers, what's one more?

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Leviathan

Levi met you back at the house

At first, he didn't notice you hiding behind Mammon until he ran off and left you there

And Levi was shook

You were both shooketh

Mammon swears that he simply forgot because of your height

Levi just sort of walked back to his room, staring at you

But he stopped and groaned beckoning you to follow him

"Mammon, get the heck over here and come get the human!" He whispered angrily, eyeing you cautiously as you look around his room. "Levi, if they're this quiet, you're already doing a better job than me." Mammon laughs.

Okay at first, he did not like you one bit

Kids are messy, curious and touchy

And they love toys, aka, his figurines

He, surprisingly, is the hardest to get to open up to you

Not the longest, the hardest

You need a lot of energy and a lot of time

If he's asked to take care of you, he will

If you need something he'll get it to you but it's the bare minimum

Maybe, just maybe, he'll let you watch pirated human cartoons on his pc

You wouldn't call him family because you know how anxious he is (because kids pick up on that shit) but he does see you as family and will protect you...if you need him too

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[leejenowrld]

Just telling u if anyone ever talks crap abt y/n's character or the angst or wtv U gotta ignore them bruh. Shes very realistic. The people who hates her character or thinks shes messy are probably the ones who dont have deep trauma rooted issues. Y/n is fucking cool and i love her.

Im actually speaking as a person who is emotionally unavailable and pushes any form of affection away just bc im scared,just like her. So her character is very meaningful for me. Thank u for writing this masterpiece. U articulate ur words in this fic very well. U honestly explained some stuff that i personally feel that i dont even know how to explain. AND U JUST POOF HERE U GO. So yes U FUCKERS,WE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE GIRLIES DO EXIST. And y/n is sooo mature for wanting space and to reflect back on herself before trying it again w mark. And ofc kudos for mark for being so patient (Gosh i wish he exists irl) BECAUSE THIS IS TRULY THE WAY TO FIX THE AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT!!!! U wrote this so well i can tell u poured this from heart (And maybe experience?) (Or maybe ure just have hella good empathy n can just write A SPECIFICALLY WELL WRITTEN character based on wtv u read) I also think whatever y/n felt (before the whole talk and arguement w mark) was LIMERENCE(over the title of their relationship not mark) And its a good thing now she wants time from mark to fix herself instead of trying again in a state where she knows shes unstable cos she knows shes gonna hurt him again in the process so GIRLIE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT COMING 🔜 YUP YUPPPP OUR HEALTHY KWEEENNNNNNN

(Ps; Marks condition got my jaw dropped. Poor boy. MARK U BETTER STAY ALIVE BRUH...LIKE THATS LOVERBOY WE'RE TALKING ABT. Y/n mommy era next?HAJAHAH cs now shes aware of marks condition she'd probably be so careful taking care of him like a mom..)

Anyways to u author, u fucking rock. Have a good day and cant wait for pt6.

wow, this honestly means so much to me. thank you for understanding y/n on such a deep level—it’s exactly what i hoped for when writing her. she’s messy, real, and flawed, and her struggles are raw because they reflect what so many of us go through but don’t always have the words to express. hearing that her character resonates with you, especially as someone who’s faced similar feelings, means the world. she’s not meant to be perfect; she’s meant to grow, to stumble, and to try again, just like all of us. thank you for seeing that and for sharing your own perspective—it’s so powerful and validating to know her story is reaching people like you.

mark’s patience truly is the heart of their relationship, and his ability to hold space for y/n’s fears while staying firm in his own needs is so important to their dynamic. i love that you caught on to how he balances her out and why that matters. as for y/n, her decision to step back and work on herself before trying again with mark is such a huge moment for her—it’s a sign of growth and maturity, even if it’s messy and painful. and yes, mark’s condition added another layer of stakes because, for y/n, knowing what he’s going through changes how she sees everything. her “mommy era” might be next, lol—you’re not wrong about her being extra protective now!

honestly, your breakdown of the story and the characters just blew me away. you totally got it, from the limerence to the avoidant attachment, to the character development coming soon. i feel so lucky to have readers like you who connect so deeply and take the time to share their thoughts like this. thank you for your incredible support, your analysis, and your kind words—they mean more than i can say. i can’t wait to share part 6 with you. have the best day, and you seriously rock <3

[lostfracturess]

okay i’ve loved s&c since i started reading it but my god…chapter 8 was seriously one of the best things i’ve read and has made me just insanely connected to this story. so pls excuse me if this ask is obnoxiously long i’ve got a lot to say 😭🤚🏼

first off lol i just need to get this off my chest but the SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER…IMMACULATE. I GOT TINGLES im so immune to smut since i’ve read sm of it but oh my godd when he said “fuck i cant hold back any longer. let me fuck you already or i’ll cum in my pants” I HAD BUTTERFLIES IN TWO DIFF PLACES FROM THAT🧍🏻‍♀️…also i like how realistic the sex feels,, like it genuinely reads like two adults in this sort of complicated relationship still desiring one another, mature & sexy yet classy at the same time? bravo seriously (also reader getting the lingerie hehehehrhrh)

the way you built the tension throughout the entire chapter regarding satoru’s super mysterious phone calls and his reluctance to share anything w reader. so wonderfully laced into all of the scenes, there was this sense of dread throughout that simmered even during the fluffy scenes and oof it was a wonderful but torturous feeling haha

speaking of fluff- when he keeps mentioning “love” and now marriage!! pls 😭 it came out of nowhere but i feel like his brazenness to say it so soon makes me believe that he really means it if that makes sense?? :”) one of my fave lines from the chapter was

“he was stating it as a fact, something that was a done deal…he’s simply been waiting for you to catch up.”

that has to be one of the most romantic things i’ve EVER read in my life. a chill legit ran through me haha like if that isn’t love!! 🥲 he knew since the beginning </3

thank you for clarifying the thought process behind reader’s doubts in herself. when she said something about how she wonders if she’s cut out for it…oof i felt that. imposter syndrome is SO damn real, especially in medicine, and my fave moment in the whole chapter is when satoru really steps up in that moment as a mentor and says “taking a break isn’t giving up” <3 i totally understand her push back though, it’s hard to shake insecurities built over years

and my god. satoru’s character. i know that he is so troubled and has made mistakes but my heart legitimately ached for him during that conversation with geto. this was the moment where i was like omg this story is something so special bc you tackle the sensitivity of topics such as drug abuse so fucking well.

i used to work at an emergency department and so often we would get patients rolling in w chief complaints of withdrawal, a LOT of the time young patients in their twenties, and it’s really heartbreaking to see because you can never ever fully understand the pain behind someone’s story or change the past, all you can do is try to help them and make them feel better in the present.

i feel so bad for satoru, seriously fuck sukuna for taking advantage of him like that omg give me two mins in a room w that mf and your story is gonna be missing one of its characters 😅

“walls up before anyone gets close, pushing people away because he’s convinced that deep down, he’s broken.”

siggghhh as someone with an avoidant attachment style i so relate to him. i really hope reader can show him the brighter things in life (i mean she’s definitely someone that makes him want to be a better man which is lovely), i look forward to seeing how he opens up more emotionally in the chapters to come.

im so sorry this is getting so fkn long but i simply cannot pass speaking up ab geto?? what an insanely emotionally intelligent character. the way he acts is so consistent, i looove how he’s recognized that maybe satoru’s relationship w reader, despite the forbidden aspects, is something more than just lust and is something deeper than that :”)

“there is no point, neither in life nor death. but you can either cry about the whole meaningless of the world or try to find meaning to it. to do something that gives meaning to life.”

talk about words that no longer feel like part of a story, but literally jump out of the page (err my phone screen? lol) and have you feel them in the reality of your own life. stunning, your writing is just amazing miss lostfractures

also curious if he got sued cuz he punched that student lol 🤔 or maybe it’s related to malpractice

ugh i’m so sorry this was so fucking long but it’s midnight for me rn and i just had so many thoughts while reading the chap i had to share 😭🤞🏼 thank you sm for this story, it goes without saying that i’m SO excited for more 💕💕💕

okay i have no idea where to start but first THANK YOU SO SO MUCH! i feel insanely grateful for you to take the time to write this message, really!!

i'm smiling and giggling like an idiot rn at work omg.

so so glad you like the SMUT, this is always the worst part to write, so i'm relieved it didn't read cringey and made you feel something (i laughed at your comment about the butterflies in TWO SPOTS omg).

can relate. ngl.

and yes the whole marriage part did came out of nowhere but i guess that's just so him, like he's so clumsy with feelings and don't know what to do with them so he's just really messy but also so adorable with it, idk!!! ahhhh

your reactions to the chapter make me SO SO happy, like really, that's all us writers want to achieve, right? to make the reader feel something. so glad i could stir something within you!! <333

& yes you never know what a person might have experienced in his past to it really comes down to being patient and understanding with people, but yeah satoru surely has an avoidant attachment, like SO SO BAD. and that can be so FRUSTRATING.

his past even gets worse in the next chapter, because apparently i can not NOT make him even more miserable.

haha the whole philosophical part at the end was mostly because i read a lot of camus and kafka lately lol. couldn't hold myself back, but i guess that mirrors satoru's existential crisis he goes through, that will be more highlighted in the next chapter.

but like at the same time, he needs someone to put him in his place and the reader is gladly accepting that and is like, I'M SO DONE WITH YOU, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER MAN.

thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for spending your precious time to read and write this message!! i really don't know how to phrase it how happy this makes me, just imagine myself smiling and crying like an idiot <33

[fumikosushi]

I don't know if I'm going to return to the S*T rpc. I desperately want to play those characters - the canons and my OCs - but being around so many of those people who just talk shit and act like everyone is supposed to be a mind reader is so exhausting. It's a constant popularity contest and it makes me terrified to talk to ANYONE because it feels like high school all over again.

No one wants to communicate but wants to preach about people needing to communicate. People will literally pretend to be your friend just to 'avoid drama' they think will start if they approach you or choose to remove you and people need to understand that not everyone is a hateful stalker that's going to ruin your life for choosing peace or communication.

If you do not like me I would rather you ghost me than hype me up to write shit you're not even interested in. You are not only wasting your time, but you are wasting mine and literally manipulating people to be attached to you by feigning interest and care for them and that is not okay. At that point, that is abuse. That is emotionally manipulative abuse and it's not okay. Just because the other person isn't 'aware' until you drop the bomb on them doesn't mean it's not.

I'm tired of being nice, accepting, and welcoming of people with open arms just to constantly be shit talked about. Normally I'm the first person to think 'nice people don't call themselves nice' but after tearing myself down for so long because of people's shitty behavior toward me, I'm seeing all the work I would put in just to be met with literally nothing. And this isn't me expecting anyone to revolve their lives around me. I'm not expecting instant replies, I don't expect people to send me memes or random starters or talk ooc every day - it could be once a week or two, even. I just wanted the bare minimum and then once I stopped doing that for people? Sending them things, tagging them in things that remind me of them and our muses, and all these other things - people got mad at me even though they would send me fucking nothing.

I'm done giving people everything to not even be met half way and then having people get MAD AT ME once I pull back. I'm tired of people giving me 0 effort because of how patient with them I am because I do know people are busy and that things are hard and that sometimes you just want to do nothing, but God, I'm so tired of of my patience being taken advantage of. Even irl my patience and understanding with others is always met with me being treated like fucking shit. I'm tired of being people's back burner friend for when they want to use me as their therapist or when they're desperate due to boredom. IT FUCKING HURTS.

I'm tired of being nice. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of caring so much about everyone else's feelings that I neglect my own and I'm not doing it anymore. I'm done. I am HUMAN and I have FEELINGS and NEEDS and WANTS and I deserve to be treated as such instead of feeling so dehumanized to the point I literally go silent because I feel like that's what people want from me. I feel like people want me to disappear, to fade away into nothing. I know there are a few people who like me that I trust, but the mass majority make me feel that way. It's hard not to feel that way especially when people are nice to my face and then talk shit about me behind my back and literally go out of their way to demonize me to others to get others to not interact with me.

I've done NOTHING to deserve to be treated as poorly as I have been in that rpc and I'm not taking it anymore. If I ever remake my blog, it's going to be private and not accepting interactions outside of people I trust immensely because that rpc has proven that hardly anyone can be trusted.

And please don't take this as me acting like I'm perfect or I've never done wrong, but God, I cannot do anything about what I've supposedly done if no one wants to fucking tell me. Like I can literally do nothing to fix what I did to upset you if you literally refuse to tell me and then still seem to expect me to do something to fix it. I'm not a fucking mind reader.

[cinnamonest]

//some horrendous gaslighting

I love my stranger-to-noncon very much but I don't give enough attention to consensual relationships taking a turn for the worse, or utterly toxic and abusive boyfriends and Kaeya is the perfect candidate for that so here we go.

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I've mentioned before the Kaeya would be exceptionally violent in comparison to other yanderes, but it's important to note that he's also among the most emotionally sensitive, and those two things do not go together well.

Not sensitive outwardly, of course, he's spent years developing that personality of his as a defense mechanism, can easily pretend he doesn't care about anything, but deep down that abandonment complex and those insecurities are strong and easily triggered. Some of the ways it manifests are mild, like how he gets overly attached to you within a week of knowing you, commits and tries to move way too fast even in completely mutual and consensual relationships. The kind of guy that suggests moving in together a week into the relationship, and dropping I love you so early on that you're left to merely blink in surprise because you barely know each other, but under the pressure and awkwardness you find yourself stuttering out a reciprocation, even though it's quite untrue. Guilt-trips and pressures his way into fucking you within a couple of days.

He's a very different person behind closed doors, it comes out maybe a month in when he lets the walls drop and lets himself trust you. He's more vulnerable, sweeter. Oddly... Eager to trust. It's like he desperately wants someone he can latch onto and show some vulnerability around and chose you to be that someone.

But also different in other ways. More... Bitter. More grumpy. More immature.

He's not sensitive in general, he doesn't really care about what most people say or do, but that sensitivity comes out once he's attached to a person, which happens rather quickly. You start noticing it rather quickly in a mutual relationship, and it likely shocks you honestly that he's so... immature. You spend the day with one of your friends -- just one, catch up with them, haven't seen them in a while... and when you get home things are rather quiet. He's usually a very talkative person, so you can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe something bad happened, but he insists no, it's fine. There's nothing wrong. And then you catch the last part, much quieter, spoken under his breath in that lighthearted tone he speaks in, yet with a bitterness to it.

You wouldn't care anyway, you're too busy with your friends.

It takes you by surprise at first because holy shit, really? It seems so petulant that it can't possibly be real, but... Maybe he really did have a bad day and is just getting his anger out by directing it at the first thing he can. That's not right, but hey, everyone has weak moments where they do some bad things. Besides, you weren't there for him, so he feels worse right? Still, you spent every day the past month except this one day with him... No, it's just poor timing, that's all.

Until it happens again. And again. And he swears he likes your friends, smiles at them, but it... Looks forced. Always complaining that you spend so much time with them and completely ignore him. Do you even care? Do you value the relationship at all? You try to not get angry and be rational, but still defend yourself because you spend almost all of your time with him don't you? You can't get much out before he just huffs and stomps away, rolls his eyes (well, you assume he rolls both of them, you can't tell but-- nevermind, not the point) and gives you a cold shoulder. Until you apologize, then it's like the switch has flipped back on, there's love and smiles and warmth and hugs again.

It starts to get on your nerves. You start to wonder if maybe this isn't healthy for you, if maybe you should end things, but you decide to give him another chance, right? We all make mistakes. He's under a lot of stress. Just... It'll be fine.

And the first time it gets physical he swears it's an accident. It leaves an ugly scar. You're going out because come on, it's my family, I haven't seen them in forever.

It just happens, he explains, it's unintentional, emotions get channeled through the vision like that. Comforts you as you sit on the ground crying and clutching your arm that he grabbed as you walked out the door, skin darkened and purplish from the freeze that's seared through a layer of your skin. He sighs and says he's sorry, really, he feels horrible already, so don't get mad, ok? He already feels terrible enough... Don't be mean. He didn't mean it. Don't be mean. Don't be fucking mean about it, stop fucking crying. You're making him feel worse.

He seems genuinely sorry, you tell yourself. It's not his fault. You can't blame him. It's ok.

It's harder to excuse the next time it gets physical. Maybe freezing last time was unintentional, and maybe it hurt, but you weren't terrified like this. A hand around your throat is different.

But can you blame him? You were threatening to leave. Honestly, you weren't approaching it healthily, you weren't trying to actually have a serious talk, you were trying to guilt him and gaslight him and it's honestly emotionally abusive, you know? You're the one in the wrong here. How selfish and cruel. How can you do that and not even feel guilty?

It makes you rethink. It makes you question your own sanity. And it makes you apologize. Makes you say you didn't mean it. You find yourself feeling dizzy, disoriented, like everything isn't real and everything is too much. You try to sleep it off.

And he doesn't like delving into the past. He tries to avoid it. Tries to not think about it. Doesn't even really tell you anything until nearly a year in, a drunken confession of sadness and misery. It makes you feel guilty somehow. Poor thing. He's been through a lot, you tell yourself. Maybe you should be more patient and understanding, help him work through it. You can fix him, per se, can't you? Sure, people say that never works, but... He just needs love, really, it's not like he's that bad.

He hates bringing it up like this even more. It just feels weak and vulnerable but it comes out anyway. You're threatening him again, and honestly, that's a sickening thing to do considering what you know, how can you be so vicious?

You're just like everyone else, aren't you?

You're just going to abandon him like this was nothing. You don't care at all. You're heartless. Ungrateful. He's done so much for you. And this is how you repay him, huh? Disappointing, honestly. He thought you were special. Kind. Understanding. Didn't realize you were just as cruel as everyone else in his life, aren't you?

He just has this way of making you doubt yourself. You pull at your hair and cry. I'm going insane. You keep the thought to yourself, but you fall to your knees and promise you're really sorry this time. He sighs. Fine, he'll give you another chance. He's a patient man. You just need to work on yourself, become a less toxic person.

But apparently that's not enough, and eventually you get dumped.

It comes as a surprise. But he says he's had enough of you being so emotionally manipulative and neglectful. You hardly ever spend time with him (like, only 29 days a month? Unbelievable!). You cry and try to make him feel bad, when the things he does aren't that bad. You always claim to be too tired to fuck. You try to gaslight him into thinking all that's acceptable. It's toxic and abusive, so, he's done.

You find yourself in shock. Confusion. It feels unreal. The first thing you worry about is if you can even find a new boyfriend... Your body is completely littered in freeze-burn scars by now, after all.

Were you really in the wrong? You're not too experienced in relationships, maybe he's right about everything he said... Maybe you really did him wrong...

Which is why you come crawling back. Crying. Apologizing.

Exactly as planned.

So he sighs and agrees. Fine. You can have another chance.

The second time, the third time, he always forgives you and takes you back. Even though you don't deserve it. He just loves you so much, you know? He keeps forgiving you.

Until one day you don't show up.

When you leave that time, you seem almost angry. You don't cry this time. Your hands ball into fists and for once, for the first time, as you storm out, you say--

Fine.

Unusual, but you were always moody like that. Odd choice of words. No matter, it's not like you're actually fine with it, you'll come crawling back any minute now.

It's already been several hours. Why aren't you at his doorstep already? Did he make you feel that bad? Maybe he went too far... You're probably just at home crying or something. You'll come back by tomorrow morning.

You don't.

Ok. Maybe you feel too guilty. Maybe you're reflecting on how awful you've been. That would take some time to get over, since you've done so many bad things. It won't be long before you come back.

A day passes. Two days pass.

What's taking you so long?

He finally swallows his pride. Maybe you're being stubborn. Trying to make him feel bad. Yeah, that's something you'd do. Or maybe you're trying to make him feel all alone, take advantage of the one thing you know bothers him. How mean. But he loves you. You know that. So you'll appreciate it when he checks on you, apologizes for maybe going too far, and he really loves you, he loves you so much, so how about you two just go home and forget this ever happened and have lots and lots of makeup sex and cuddle? And then you can tell him you're sorry and love him too and promise to stay forever? He's already got the speech practiced a few times in his head walking over to your place, the one you haven't really lived in for a while now since he demanded you basically move in with him. All your clothes and stuff are at his place now. You would have taken that with you if you ever actually intended to leave, so clearly this is a ploy to get him to come to you, as if that wasn't already obvious.

Your eyes narrow when you open the door and your face contorts with anger. And you snarl that you've had enough. He wants you gone so much, fine, you're more than happy to oblige, you say. You're done. You don't even need your shit, keep it, you'd rather lose your stuff than set foot in that place again. You finally came to your senses and you're fucking done.

You say nasty things. You say he made your life a living hell and you're happy to be rid of him.

And then you say something worse. Something that sets something deep inside off. Something that feels like a stab to the gut.

You say if you'd known the truth about him you would have kicked him out a long time ago.

Maybe it's not about the same thing. Not meant the same way. But it feels too familiar nonetheless.

You see him freeze up. He just stands still for a moment. Not saying anything. Face blank and empty. His eye twitches.

You couldn't care less. Besides, you already have a new boyfriend, one that's nice to you, you tell him with a prideful spite in your voice. One that doesn't have fucking issues. You're not a therapist, you say, and you tell him to figure out his problems on his own, and you slam the door in his face.

Or, you try to. He catches the door before it can close with one hand. Grabs your arm with the other.

For once he doesn't say anything, not until you make him. Just grabs you, drags you down the street by your shirt. It nearly chokes you, but you manage to start to scream. He slams your back into the nearest building, grabs your shoulders and says to shut the fuck up or I'll break your fucking arms. You go wide eyed and scared tears run down you're face. You're scaring me, you plead. Let me go.

But he doesn't. You figure maybe you can talk sense into him when you get there. You don't realize how far gone he is, you don't think that this might be the last time you set foot outside, the last time you see the sun not through a window. You don't think any of the things you'll wish you had down the road.

You've had rough sex before. Not quite like this, though. You can't breathe. You kick and wheeze and cry and claw at the hand around your throat and desperately gasp for what little air you can get in. He only lets go when you black out, lets you take a few breaths, then does it again. You're still so tight. New boyfriend must not have measured up, huh. It's raw and dry and it hurts. You whimper and you cry and you finally apologize like you should have days ago.

And yet, most importantly, you cum. See? You love him. So say it. Say it already. Come on. You do, you stutter, it's quiet and scared, but he smiles nonetheless.

It's ok. He knows you're sorry. He knows you didn't mean those awful things you said. You would never actually abandon him. You're different. Different. Special. Not like everyone else. You won't leave. You won't just leave him somewhere and disappear, you won't die out of nowhere, you won't kick him aside and leave him alone, you're the only person who won't. Different. That's why he loves you so much. You would never do any of that.

You just need help. You're so emotional, you're really not emotionally stable. Controlled by your wildly changing emotions. They make you say things you don't mean. Do things you don't really intend to do. Things you'll just regret if he didn't intervene and help you.

They make you vulnerable to other people. You're so easily controlled. You believe what they want you to believe. And that's dangerous. That could lead you to try to leave again. That's why you have to be helped. Kept away from becoming victim to your own impulses. The only way to do that is keeping you locked away. You'll come to understand with time. Appreciate it. Thank him.

You'll appreciate it because you're different. You'll never leave. You would never leave him even if you had the opportunity.

But maybe it's for the best that you don't have that opportunity to begin with.

[lottiebagley]

Pumpkin- Fred Weasley

We're heavy liftin' but we're feelin' fine We think it's funny when we look at the time I know co-dependency has dragged me out But I really don't think that's what this is about

The group of sixth year Gryffindor students sit around under a tree by the black lake waiting for the arrival of their friend. Y/N Malfoy was quite similar to her family in most ways, ambitious, cunning, loyal and scheming, admittedly also a little bitchy with a flare for the dramatic. The difference being important though, she used all of these skills for good. Surrounding herself in a group of Gryffindor's despite being Slytherin simply because they made her laugh, she had never cared over blood or house supremacy and it drove her father mad, her mother to worry constantly and her younger brother to quietly admire her, although he'd be caught dead before saying it.

"Here she is," Lee grins widely watching the girl approach

"You're late," Fred comments, a smirk on his face and teasing lilt to his voice

"Can it Pumpkin,"

"Okay that joke has never and will never be funny," He groans as she drops to the ground next to her friends, fanning her face from the summer heat as she lays in the warmth, her shorts and top showing more skin than her family would approve of.

"Whatever you say Pumpkin," She grins, reaching her hand up to pat Fred's cheek as he leans his back against the tree.

"Why are you late?" Angelina questions, her head in her boyfriends lap. She laughs loudly when the girl says nothing simply smirks.

"Seriously? Again?" Alicia questions, laughter in her voice

"Wait! What don't we know?" Fred pouts dramatically, pushing himself up from the tree. His feelings for the girl glaring brightly. He may as well have a bright flashing sign pointing to him that says he's head over heels for his best friend who doesn't believe in love.

"There's no we. Just you I'm afraid," Lee smirks, Fred's heart sinks a little when he notices his twin brother sympathetic smile.

"Our little golden child-" Angelina starts

"She has never been a golden child," Lee interrupts

"Shut up. Our little golden child has been sleeping with Adrian Pucey," Angelina grins.

Fred feels his heart drop to his feet. Splintering into 1000 pieces.

"Merlin, your parents would approve," he comments, feeling the eyes on him waiting for a response

"They won't need to. It's just casual sex," she shrugs. She isn't sure why she feels such an urgency to make sure Fred knows it's not serious. Sure, he flirts with her but she always kind of assumed it was a joke, so of course it wasn't the guilt making her want to scream at him that she was still single. It wasn't feelings either. There's no point in feelings.

"I wish I could do that," Alicia sighs wistfully, Fred glad the attention is off him "Just have casual sex, flings that mean nothing. I get so attached so quickly," she rambles before turning her head to face her friend, who is eyeing Fred with suspicion, trying to work out if he's just tired or if he's upset.  "How d'you do it?"

"It's simple Li, there's no point in catching feelings. Love is treated like some inevitable thing that happens to everyone but it's not. I won't ever fall in love. Most people don't. Boys are going to hurt you time and time again so there's no point investing your happiness in them. The new relationship glow dies and you end up alone. Embrace the fact you've only got you to count on and life becomes easier," She explains

"How can you know someone isn't going to just come in and sweep you off your feet?" George questions, eyes flickering between the girl talking and his brother who is staring into space almost like he's trying to block out whatever the girl is saying.

"Life just doesn't work like that,"

I wanna give it all, I know I will 'Cause blueberry eyes seem to make time still We can boogie in the sunshine with some Burt's Bees And I know you like to pull the leaves off trees

"Thought love was stupid and pointless and made up," Fred quips, his voice in her ear making her jump in the otherwise empty corridor, taken by surprise at his presence.

"Shit!" she shrieks, hand swatting him away from her "You know most people say hello Pumpkin," she adds

"Hi darling," He grins

"Hi," she responds with a smile, not sure why she's blushing a little

"Back to my point about love,"

"You never actually made it," She retorts, eyes shining in the moonlit corridor

"Are you not on your way back from a secret meeting with one Adrian Pucey?" He questions, beginning to walk in the direction of the Slytherin common room, making sure to slow his steps down a little on regards of her much shorter legs.

"And if I am?"

"You've been spending an awful lot of time with him recently is all," Fred comments. Eyes focused on her as she quiets for a moment thinking.

"He's not the worst person to be around," She shrugs, he hums in response. He isn't sure what to say. He expected her to shoot down his accusation but instead she had admitted to liking Adrian.

"Why are you up so late and lurking near the Slytherin commons?" she questions, expecting an elaborate prank to be explained.

"Someone had to make sure you made it to bed safely," He shrugs, she hopes in the dark he won't see her blush, although he can and it makes his heart skip a beat.

"Pumpkin, anyone would think you care," She teases gently

"I do. In fact I care more about you than anyone else I know," He admits, his sincerity and vulnerability a change to their usual playful tone.

"I feel the same for you," She admits as they come to a stop outside the Slytherin common room.

"You sure do know how to make a guy feel special," He smirks, leaning against the wall next to the entrance to the Slytherin common room.

"I think love is stupid and fake and I don't believe in the whole one true love, soulmate bullshit," She announces, a look in her eyes that Fred has never seen before as she stares up at him.

"I know that," He smiles gently, enjoying the way she's standing a little too close for just friends.

"I'm difficult and tricky and emotionally unavailable and I'm a stupid person to have feelings for,"

"I know that," He smirks widely

"I'm sensitive and if this is all some joke-"

"What's this?" He questions, a cocky grin on his face and an eyebrow raises. She sighs

"This!" She exclaims, gesturing between them "You treating me special and flirting and walking me to all my classes and back to my common room every night and carrying my bag and-" She begins to ramble

"No joke," He assures, hands held up in surrender

"I don't believe in love and I think feelings are stupid,"

"You've mentioned,"

"But, you should know that if anyone were going to change that it would not be Adrian Pucey,"

"Are you saying it would be me, sweetheart?"

"Don't get too cocky pumpkin," She smirks, before turning away from him and slipping into her common room, leaving Fred stood in the corridor with a lovestruck grin on his face.

I used to think that Romeo was full of shit And the Notebook was just my favourite chick flick But now I get why Sarah was so hard to forget It's this feeling that I'm feeling like Nemo in a net

She sits next to Alicia in the Room of Requirement, patiently awaiting the boys as they mingle with the other party goers.  Sipping on their drinks and talking over the loud music.

"Are you staring at Fred?" Alicia questions, eyes following where she's staring off into the distance. Fred is standing with a cup in each hand. One that he regularly raises to his mouth as he laughs with a few Hufflepuff boys. The other that he holds from the top, hand easily large enough to cover the whole top, although he continuously glances down to check there's no opening. He looks good, his height meaning he's a head taller than the other boys, his white shirt slightly too tight meaning his muscles bulge in it.

"Hmm?" She questions, forcing her eyes away from the boy, glad he hadn't caught onto her staring

"Oh my god! You were!" Alicia cheers

"I was?"

"Staring at Fred all gooey eyed and lovestruck. Can't say I'm surprised there's been way too much sexual tension between you two for like ever,"

"I wasn't. I was simply looking at him cause he said he'd bring me another drink and I'm nearly out," She retaliates, Alicia looks at her questioningly for a second, but after glancing at her nearly empty cup seems to believe it. She'd probably have questioned it more if Angelina hadn't arrived, taking the empty seat next to the girl.

"How's Adrian?" Angelina smirks widely from behind her cup

"Uh, I wouldn't know," She admits, adjusting her short black dress a little

"What? You had one of the best looking boys in school for casual, steamy sex and you ended it?" Alicia gasps, looking at the girl in front of her like she's insane

"There was nothing to end," The girls shrugs, taking a chug of her drink, emptying the glass and placing it down.

"Why the fuck would you stop sleeping with him? He's fit," Angelina  pesters, she's saved from having to come up with a lie when Fred arrives in front of the girls, offering the drink he's been protecting with his hand to her.

"Chug that and come dance with me," He demands, she raises her eyebrow at him

"Friends can dance together y'know?" He smirks widely, the line between friends and more seeming to fade and darken back and forth constantly between them.

"To friends then Pumpkin," She smirks, accepting the cup and chugging the alcohol despite the slight burn in her throat.

"M'Lady," He grins, offering a hand that she takes whilst rolling her eyes, allowing him to pull her away from the girls.

"That is why you stop sleeping with a boy as fit as Adrian Pucey," Alicia smirks to Angelina who laughs at the comment.

"Spoilt for choice," Angelina chimes

Pumpkin, pumpkin You're gonna kill me Pumpkin, pumpkin La, la la la la, la Pumpkin, pumpkin I need you to feel me Pumpkin, pumpkin La, la la la la, la

"You know darling, people might think you like me," He whispers into her ear, hot breath sending a small shiver down her spine that makes smirk grow wider.

"People should keep their noses out," She responds, spinning to face him.

Her chest flush to his, her hands finding place on his shoulders as she moves her hips against him. Practically grinding to the music playing through the party.

"I like this dress," He compliments, eyes raking her up and down with dark eyes, hands trailing up and down her body

"Take your hand of my arse Pumpkin," She smirks, although she says nothing else when he doesn't, the warning more a habit than her actually caring

"You brother is watching us," Fred comments, focusing on not letting his eyes drop to the curve of her breasts that are pushed up, practically spilling from the little black dress

"Father will be happy to hear all about this," She smirks, earning a chuckle from Fred

"You not worried about it?" He questions, ignoring the weird need in his chest to place kisses to her neck, wanting more than a little to mark her up.

"I've been disappointing him long enough," She shrugs, one hand dropping from around his shoulder to trail down his chest, unable to stop herself from wanting to feel the toned muscles under the shirt

"Ever the bad girl," He smirks, a feeling of pride in his chest when he notices her eyes darken a little.

"That's low," She comments with a smirk "Besides father knows we are friends and this is a friendly dance," She adds, turning back around to press her back to his chest, rolling her hips to push her arse into him.

"I certainly hope you don't dance with all your friends like this," He smirks, leaning down a little, a tight grip on her hips, dictating the speed of her teasing movements.

"Only my favourites," She grins.

Fred is glad she's not facing him or he's pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from kissing her.

We're cruisin' slowly but we're movin' fast We both decided to thank our past We've got a hundred lists of things we wanna do But I'm also cool just doin' nothin' with you

When Fred had bid her goodbye for the summer his heart and stung a little. He hated not being able to see her over the holidays. He hated that Adrian Pucey would be around all the time due to their families friendship. He hated that although she acted like it didn't her father's constant criticism hurt her.

It was because of the very last reason that when they were in third year George had scribbled their address onto a piece of parchment and given it to her with a smile and a whisper of 'if you need us we would love to see you'.  She'd never used the paper before. Writing to the twins and their friends, and holding out through the summer. She'd kept the paper though, tucked in between an old fairytale book in her bedroom.

Standing at 7:30 in the morning on the doorstep to the burrow, school trunk in tow and eyes sore from crying she wondered if the offer had long since expired.

Molly Weasley knew of her. She knew that the Malfoy's had a daughter and assumed she'd be as stuck up and rude as the best. Then her boys came home after their first term talking with bright smile and enthusiasm of their new friend and she was shocked when over and over again the name Y/N Malfoy was in the stories. By the end of their first year, with their letters and excited chatter she'd grown to know the girl was nothing like her family, instead she was a friend of her twins and by default Molly loved the girl, happy to see her boys happy. By Christmas of third years she realised that George loved the girl like a sister and Fred loved her as a lot more.

Despite all of this she'd never spoken to the girl. The Malfoy's whisking her away from her friends at the train station before she could even say 'goodbye' with cold eyes and snarls. Therefore she was more than surprised to pull the door open and see her with blotchy tear stained skin and silk pj shorts, a sweater she knit herself with a large 'F' on the front almost drowning her.

"Hi deary," Molly smiles gently

"I'm so sorry to intrude-I-it- I couldn't be there any longer. The boys said years ago I could come here if I ever needed and-I- I'm sorry that was years ago and the offer is way past expired- Sorry to bother you, this was stupid. I'll just be going," She rambles, cutting herself off and hiccuping the words out.

"You'll do no such thing. Come in," Molly instructs, pulling the door wider to allow her to come in. She smiles gratefully, grabbing her trunk and tugging it behind her into the house.

She looks around and can't help the small smile. The house is more of a home then any she'd ever been in before. Lived in and warm and bright and she could feel the love radiating through it. It made perfect sense that the twins grew up here.

"Leave your bag by the door. One of the twins can carry it up later. Take a seat while I make breakfast and let's, you and I, have a chat. I'm afraid the twins won't be up for hours," Molly offers. The girl nods, shooting her a smile and sitting down.

"Tea?" Molly questions

"Please," She responds almost timidly, wiping at her face with the sleeve of her jumper trying to dry the dampness. Molly nods, sending the girl a gentle smile and flicking her wand, the pots jumping into action making the tea.

"Now, dear, do you want to talk about it?" Molly asks gently

"No. Sorry. I just need to process," She admits

"It's no worry, you just make sure not to keep it all bottled up. Whenever you are ready we are all here for you, you can stay as long as you like, alright?"

"Thank you Mrs Weasley,"

"Please dear, call me Molly,"

"Molly," The girl nods, taking the tea she is offered with a thanks.

"Now, do your parents know you're here?"

"No, I left late last night. Father and I argued and I went up stairs and packed and just kinda," she trails off

"Left in the middle of the night with no explanation," it's Ginny's voice that speaks from behind her.

"Hey Ginny," The girl grins, jumping up to hug the younger girl who happily returns it. The Weasley kid's all liked her having had her company forced on them by the twins at school.

"Hey, Fred's going to be so happy to see you," Ginny smirks, laughing when the girl blushes, eyes staring down to not look at Molly who is smiling widely.

"You need to let your parents know you are safe," Molly instructs as the two girls sit down.

"They won't care," She shrugs, Molly's motherly glare quickly shot at her "but I'll let them know," She assures

"How'd you even get here?" Ginny questions

"The knight bus,"

By the time the girls have had breakfast and caught up it's 9AM and the both Harry and Ron arrive in the kitchen, greeting the newest addition to the home with a hug and teases of Fred's excitement. By 10AM George has arrived downstairs, elated to see one of his best friends, pulling her into a tight bear hug before ruffling her hair.

George and her are sprawled out in the garden, backs in the grass, both clad in pjs, easy conversation flowing and her feeling 1000 times happier than she did that morning by 11AM

"Merlin, Georgie, we are supposed to be working on puking pastilles and you're lounging about in the garden," Fred's voice shouts, leaning out of his window, to see his twin, not yet seeing the girl who is leaning against the wall, out of his eye line.

"I'm entertaining our guest!" George quips

"Guest? Is this you weird way of saying we have to de-gnome the garden again?"

"No. But we do need to," George responds

"Hey Pumpkin," The girl calls out, shuffling to be next to George and in Fred's eye sight.

Fred's face is overtaken by a wide grin, almost instantly he's out of the window, sprinting down the stairs and hurtling into the garden.

She jogs to meet him, laughing when he lifts her into the air spins her around, her legs wrapping around his waist as she grins down at him.

"Merlin, I missed you,"

"I missed you too. A lot," She admits, hating the way her heart is hammering in her chest.

"What're you doing here?" He asks, concern over taking his features, his hands still gripping her tightly as he holds her up

"I really don't want to talk about it yet," She admits

"But you're okay?"

"I am now," She assures, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek and smirking when he blushes.

"Merlin, it was two weeks not two years," George comments, breaking the moment up now he feels he's given them enough time.

Fred sighs, wishing he'd had the nerve to just kiss her like he so badly wanted to but nervous how she'd react, the though of ruining their friendship striking fear in his heart.

He places her down delicately and insists on giving her a tour of the house, Molly watches with a fond smile at the way her son can't stop grinning all day.

I ran in circles on a Monday night You had to go so you could make your flight I looked at my mom and said, "What do I do?" She said, "This look is somethin' and it's new and true"

"You seem to really like her," Molly pesters, a week and a half into her stay. She's washing the breakfast dishes as Fred dries them. She knows immediately he wants to talk about it, her son only ever helps with house work when he wants his mother's advice and is too shy to ask.

"I do," Fred confirms, watching through the window.

The group were heading to a nearby lake and she's standing in the garden with Ginny, clad in a bikini she'd borrowed from the younger girl and a pair of shorts and carrying a towel. Sunglasses pushing her hair back and laughing at something the younger girl said, the two seemingly closer by the day.

The sight of her in just a bikini had made Fred's heart stop. She had barged into the twin's bedroom in the search for suncream Ginny had leant them and Fred had struggled to put words together as George smirked watching the interaction.

"She likes you too, I can tell," Molly prompts, wondering what the problem was.

"I know, well I kinda figured. She's just complicated. None of us know why but she's an utter cynic. She doesn't believe in love, she doesn't have any interest in dating or marriage or any of that. She has is in her head every guy she lets herself like will end up hurting her," Fred explains

"That kind of thing is normally past hurt,"

"She's never been in a relationship," Fred counters

"Okay, well in that case it's highly likely it's a childhood thing,"

"You mean?"

"Her family is very traditional. She might not have grown up seeing healthy, loving relationships," Molly explains gently

"So, what do I do?"

"You prove you're different. You prove you are worth the risk," Molly explains. Fred nods, setting his tea towel down despite being no where near done with the dishes.

"Thanks mum," He grins, Molly smiles, watching her son head towards the door

"Take a shirt so your shoulders don't burn!" She calls but Fred is out the door before she can finish the sentence.

"Took your time!" Ron calls, standing up from where he, George and Harry had all been sat waiting

"Just cause some of actually help mum," Fred quips, ignoring his brothers as they all begin the 10 minute walk to the lake. George challenging Ron to a race. Ginny talking awkwardly to Harry, her crush evident.

Fred is no better than his younger sister, falling into step next to her.

"Surprised you aren't racing," She comments

"Bored of beating them," he smirks cockily "Besides, talking with a beautiful girl such as yourself is much more fun," He adds, proud when she giggles.

"You're in good shape," She comments, eyes flickering over his body, clad in only swim shorts, his toned chest and muscular arms on full show. She laughs a little when he blushes bright red. "Not so slick now are we Pumpkin?" She smirks

"Pumpkin still isn't funny," He attempts, the bright red flush still on his cheeks doing little to help his case.

He tries desperately to recover on the walk but every time he starts talking she makes a show of looking at him, eyes lingering, something she enjoys greatly, making him blush even more.

The day by the lake passes beautifully. Games of chicken, sunbathing, forcing Ron to go back and pick up sandwiches at lunch time.

It's mid afternoon, Ron and Ginny playing a game of exploding snap on the jetty over the lake, Harry reading 'Quidditch through the ages', George writing a letter to Angelina.

The pair are in the lake, Fred pushing her in when she was sunbathing earlier and jumping in after her. They'd had a race which landed them a distance away from the others.

"You won because I let you," Fred announces

"I won because I took swimming lessons until I was 11 and was on a summer swim team until I was 14," She shrugs

"What else don't I know about you?" He teases

"I speak Latin, I can play the piano and flute, this is the first school break I haven't spent nearly ever waking minute at my ballet studio and I know greek mythology like the back of my hand,"

"Why?"

"Private tutors," She shrugs, he laughs loudly, shocked he knew so little about aspects of her life.  She shivers a little

"You wanna get out?" He questions

"Quite like the water," She shrugs, he nods, opening his arms

"I'm not cuddling you in the water Fred,"

"It's that or hypothermia," He shrugs, she sighs, secretly happy, and allows him to pull her into his hold, resting her head on his shoulder as he subconsciously strokes a hand up and down her back.

"You really are full of surprises," He comments

"As are you, I've been learning an awful lot about you from your parents,"

"If it made me sound uncool it was a lie,"

"You were already uncool to me," She smirks,

"Harsh," He grins, eyes focused on the way she bites her bottom lip as she stares up at him "You look really beautiful," he comments

"So do you pumpkin," She returns.

Neither of them know what's overtaking their system as they lean in slowly, her lips just grazing his when suddenly his shoulder's are pulled down and he's held under water. Ron laughing happily when his brother pushes his way up to the surface a scowl on his face.

"What the fuck, Ron!" Fred shouts

"We need to leave or we'll be late back," The younger boy announces, swimming away before his brother can splash him.

Fred shoots her a sorry smile before they both swim back, climbing the ladder onto the pier. Fred makes sure to wait until Ron's holding his towel and wearing his t-shirt before he shoves him off the pier and back into the lake for ruining the moment.

I used to think that Romeo was full of shit And The Notebook was just my favourite chick flick But now I get why Sarah was so hard to forget It's this feeling that I'm feeling, like Nemo in a net

It's been two weeks since she arrived by the time she is ready to open up about the fight with her parents. It's only her and Fred. They sit cross legged on a sofa, the warm night breeze pushing through the open windows.

The kids had all occupied the living room, watching movies and eating snack but as the night got later one by one they'd all gone up to bed, leaving the pair who had been cuddled up way too close for just friends all night.  

"I told you Ginny had foul choice in films," Fred comments

"I quite enjoyed it," the girl shrugs in response

"You. You who has previously said 'Love is a commercial lie' enjoyed Titanic," He smirks

"I guess maybe I'm starting to accept I could have been a little wrong," She admits, refusing to look at Fred.

It was true, being with Fred all summer had made her realise that the love she felt for him wasn't just some stupid passing thing. She loved Fred Weasley. Loved him to her very core. She thinks a part of why she was finally letting herself feel the admittedly scary emotions was seeing how happy Molly and Arthur were.

"Why do you hate love?" He questions, it was a thought that had been on his mind a lot as of late.

"I guess I just never saw it before," She shrugs

"Aren't your parents married?"

"Yeah but they don't love each other. They were an arranged marriage, father had the prettiest girl and mother married into a fortune. They barely speak unless they are in public. They sleep on opposite sides of the house," She speaks and her voice is void of emotion, Fred isn't sure what to say.

"So you just assumed no one was happily married?" He questions gently, giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze.

"No. I knew love was real, it was just that it was easier to not fall in love and it the best way to stop it was to convince myself no one had it," She admits

"Why wouldn't you want to fall in love though?" He prompts, eyes fixed on her as she fiddles with the hem of the large t-shirt she's wearing.

"It would end in heart break. I have to marry whoever my parents pick. If I fall in love when I get married I live my whole life knowing what I could have had. But now, I'm halfway in love and my whole world feels, I don't know how to describe it, brighter I guess, and all that self preservation was meaningless,"

Fred feels his heart break a little. He wasn't sure if it was because she had been dealing with all this for so long or if because deep down he knew he would marry her tomorrow and he didn't doubt for a second that he wanted her forever.

"I'm so sorry," He hums out

"Not your fault. It's what we argued about, they had a suitor coming to stay for the summer. That's why I ran," She admits

"Oh, sweetheart," He sighs, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close to him.

"Would be great if you could do something repulsive so I like you less," She jokes, he laughs loudly

"Sorry, darling, but I really don't plan on letting you slip through my fingers and no matter what I'll make sure you don't have to marry some pretentious pure blood," He promises and she feels more at ease than she has in years, she knows Fred has got her, Fred'll stop at nothing to make sure she is happy.

Pumpkin, pumpkin You're gonna kill me Pumpkin, pumpkin La-la-la-la-la-la Pumpkin, pumpkin Need you to feel me Pumpkin, pumpkin La-la-la-la-la-la

"Where are we going?" She questions, eyes squeezed shut as Fred tugs her hand pulling her along behind him.

"My favourite place," he responds, although she had no clue what that meant.

"Well, are we nearly there?"

"Shut up and be patient, jeez woman,"

It's a further three minutes when Fred stops, laughing when she walks right into him, eyes still closed.

"Okay, open," She can hear his smile

She opens her eyes, they're standing in front of a meadow full of wildflowers, the pink sun set making everything glow, a picnic blanket full of goodies that were clearly prepared by Molly in the centre.

"You're right. It's beautiful," She smiles brightly, turning from the view to look up at Fred who is beaming down at her.

"Not as beautiful as you," He grins cheekily

"That was awful," She smirks, his loud laughter ringing out through the meadow. She grabs his hand in hers again, pulling him along to the picnic blanket.

"So, how did you enjoy your summer?" He questions

"We have three days left," She argues

"That excited to go back to school?" He teases

"It's our last year, guess I'm just not ready for it to be over," She explains, he smiles gently

"I get that," He agrees, shooting her a smile "Don't want to fall out of touch with people," He adds. She nods. Extending her hand pointing her pinky finger at him

"I don't make pinky promises if I don't know what they are,"

"That no matter how far apart we end up, you and I are always going to have each other, always going to be friends,"

"Who knew the Slytherin was so sappy," He teases, his finger immediately wrapping around hers and squeezing.

"Tell anyone and I'll kill you," She smirks, Fred chuckles, passing her a chocolate covered strawberry.

"I can catch that in my mouth,"He speaks confidently.

20 minutes and a 30% success rate between the two of them, Fred leaps to his feet pulling her with him.

"Where are we going?"

"We are dancing,"

"There's no music,"

"I can sing if you want," He offers

"I'd rather not go deaf," She smirks, he laughs loudly

"I'm a great singer," He defends, she raises her eyebrows at him,

"Whatever you say pumpkin." she laughs when he rolls his eyes.

"Fine, we don't need music,"

He pulls her into him, arms around her waist as hers wrap around his neck, her head on his shoulder and Fred Weasley could die happy. He has no idea that she could too.

I used to think that Romeo was full of shit But when I look at you, I think this must be it, oh

It's the last night before school starts when she knocks at Fred's bedroom door. Hands shaking a little in nervousness and pacing the hallway.

It's pulled open by the boy who's brows furrow in concern at the sight of her.

"Can I come in? we need to talk,"

"George is asleep, we can talk out here," He smiles softly at her, stepping into the hallway and tugging the door closed behind him.

"You ruined me," She states

"What?" He questions, eyes wide and a sense of nervousness about him

"I had everything together. Everything was perfect, it was glass and could break any second but it as mine and it made me good, it protected me,"

"I'm confused,"

"I didn't let boys matter. It didn't matter if they laughed at my joke, if they were looking at me when I looked at them, if they thought I looked good, if they found me too bitchy or too loud or too anything. It didn't feel like if I wasn't near them I couldn't breathe,"

"If it makes you feel better I always think you look good,"

"Fred, I'm being serious,"

"So am I, darling,"

"I'm scared,"

"I won't hurt you,"

"I think that's the problem," she admits.

"I'm gonna kiss you now cause I've waited forever and you make it fucking impossible sometimes and by sometimes I mean every fucking day cause you-"

"Just kiss me pumpkin,"

"That's still not-"

His protest ends when her lips crash to his, he grins into the kiss, arms snaking around her to pull her in as her's tangle in his hair. A grunt leaving his lips and falling into hers making her smirk against him.

Everything falls into place.  

"About time," They jump apart at the sound of George's voice, leaning in the hallway

"What the fuck George?" Fred complains, although his arms stay wrapped around her, effectively holding her flush to his chest, unable to leave his grip.

"Maybe don't have private discussions in the middle of the hall if you don't want us all listening," at the sound of Ginny's voice the couple look upwards.

Harry, Ron, Ginny and Hermione who arrived two days before are leaning over the banister on the floor above them to watch.

Fred sighs, before deciding fuck it and crashing his lips back to hers, a little less innocent, smirking when he hears fake gags and his siblings all running back to their rooms.

Pumpkin, pumpkin You're gonna kill me Pumpkin, pumpkin La-la-la-la-la-la Pumpkin, pumpkin I need you to feel me Pumpkin, pumpkin La-la-la-la-la-la, oh Oh-oh, pumpkin, pumpkin Oh, la-la-la-la-la-la La-la, ooh, ooh-ooh

**

Masterlist

[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable

THE HOLLYWOOD REPORTER: Gillian Anderson had been dreading this. A tripod had arrived at her home in the U.K., along with a mess of lights and, really, just the thought of having to sit through an hour-plus on Zoom had her practically reeling. But then the woman who stuns as Margaret Thatcher in the most recent season of Netflix’s The Crown got talking — about pigeonholing and pay equity, about grieving and giving oneself over — and soon she didn’t want to stop talking. And neither did anyone else — The Queen’s Gambit‘s Anya Taylor-Joy, Pose‘s Mj Rodriguez, Genius: Aretha‘s Cynthia Erivo, WandaVision’s Elizabeth Olsen and Ratched‘s Sarah Paulson — at THR’s annual (virtual) Drama Actress Roundtable.

Let’s start easy. Complete this sentence: On set, I’m the one who is most likely to be …

GILLIAN ANDERSON Hiding in a corner. (Laughter.)

ANYA TAYLOR-JOY Pacing whilst moving my hands like this (waving above) trying to figure out what it is that I’m doing.

SARAH PAULSON Bossing everyone around.

ELIZABETH OLSEN Probably trying to make the crew laugh.

At the same time, you’re also inhabiting characters for long stretches and often they require you to go to dark or heavy places. What happens when a director yells, “Cut”? Do they come home with you?

MJ RODRIGUEZ I try to separate myself from Blanca as much as possible, especially [because we’re] dealing with immense trauma. So, when I go home, it’s Michaela Jaé going home, and I bring Blanca to the set. It’s easier that way because it can weigh on you otherwise and wash off on your family.

TAYLOR-JOY I wish I had as much control over it. For me, there are some characters that you can very easily snap in and out of and then there are other ones like Beth in The Queen’s Gambit. I’d worked back-to-back on two projects with one day off in between, so by the time I got to filming the show, I was exhausted and there was no energy to create a barrier. And that was potentially the toughest thing about the show, because it was a wonderful experience as an actor to be able to not have to reach for any emotion, but then you also have to go through the psychological warfare of figuring out, “Why do I feel so awful in the morning?” Like, “What is happening?” And then you go, “Oh, it’s not my feelings,” but I have to sit in them all day and I have to be aware enough to go, “You are not depressed, the character is depressed, and at some point that will leave you.” But I do think a bath every single night — being able to have the visual representation of washing yourself clean of something — helps.

OLSEN Regardless of what exactly the day requires of you, emotionally, you’re just tired. And so you try to be patient and professional and kind, and then when you go home, that’s when your fuse is just … smaller. (Laughter.)

TAYLOR-JOY You should date us, we’re fabulous.

CYNTHIA ERIVO I did, it was a real ugly cry. After playing [Harriet Tubman in the 2019 film], I went straight to see my mother in London and I don’t know what happened, but I just broke. You know the visual representation of shattering glass? That was what was happening to me. All the stuff I had to dig through to play her, all that heartbreaking stuff didn’t leave me when I finished, and it took time to just dissipate. And it was the same with Aretha — unfortunately, the pandemic hit when we were in the middle of shooting, so I couldn’t completely get rid of her during the six-month hiatus, and then I had to go right back into playing her. And it’s little things, like mannerisms, that stick with you. The lilt in her voice when she’s speaking to people. Like, that’s not me but I was stuck with that for a bit. And I was recording an album at the same time, so there was no space between one and the other. It took me a while before I could listen to an Aretha song again.

ANDERSON I certainly had that experience doing X-Files for nine seasons. I had a good couple of mini breakdowns during that, and at the end, could not talk about it, could not see it, could not see pictures, could not. I needed to immerse immediately in theater in another country. And then after a while, I was able to embrace it again, but when I started to embrace it, it was almost like I separated myself so much that I was looking at the image as if it was another person. When you immerse yourself so entirely as we can and we do for such long periods of time, there’s not going to be no consequence to that. Of course, there’s going to be consequence to that.

TAYLOR-JOY May I pose a question to the group?

Please do.

TAYLOR-JOY It’s so wonderful hearing you two talk about this, because I’ve always felt really crazy for the depressions that you go into after you leave a character and not being able to necessarily connect with yourself. And I’m really curious to hear what your relationship is with something being seen. Because when I first started working, I convinced myself that filmmaking was a very private practice with a private group of people and that no one was ever going to see it. And I thought I’d grow out of that, and I haven’t. Every project I have to sit myself down about two months after it’s finished and go, “People are going to see this and have access to it whenever they want.” How do you guys work [handle that]? Because for Queen’s Gambit, I had to go through a grieving period. It was grief, genuinely, to think, “Oh goodness, this thing that I loved so much is not mine anymore.”

ANDERSON I had that experience after doing Blanche in Streetcar [Named Desire] here in the U.K. and then in New York.

OLSEN I saw your last performance in New York. You were fabulous.

PAULSON Fucking phenomenal.

ANDERSON I felt like I’d lost my best friend. I was grieving. Some friends of mine in New York had a brunch for me the weekend after [I finished my run], and I arrived like a complete wreck. It was so profound. I also knew it was unlikely I was going to do it again because I knew that I’d probably lose my mind. I got really close. Like, I’d survived by the skin of my teeth and if I did it again out of ego or attachment or not wanting to let her go, there would be consequences. So I knew it was the end, and it was so sad.

ERIVO Do you know what’s so crazy? I listen to you and I’m like, “Oh my God, that’s what was happening to me during The Color Purple.” It was the last show and I started grieving in the show, knowing that it was coming to an end. There’s one last song and I couldn’t get through it. And then the show ends and I buckled under the sadness of it. But there was no way I could have continued playing Celie on that stage. It [had been] 14 months and I had to let her go. The line between me and her had disappeared. But to answer your question, Anya, I’ve never had an issue with people seeing things. I usually have an issue seeing it after it’s done.

PAULSON This happened when I did Marcia Clark [for The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story]. I felt a profound connection to her and I felt protective of her, and the experience had been so tectonic plate-shifting for me, both as a performer and as a human, and I thought, “If I watch it, I’m going to pick apart everything.” She was left-handed, so every time I use my right hand, I’m going to think, “God damn it, why did they use that?” So, the only way to protect myself from that is to detach from what the world will experience with it. And I’ve maintained that for a long time now — I really don’t watch [things I’m in] because I don’t have the strength, first of all, to bear the sight of my face and, also, I find it really confronting. The preciousness of the thing you were creating with these other people is what I want to be the indelible thing for me and not how it was edited.

TAYLOR-JOY Mm-hmm.

PAULSON All that does is make me furious because I don’t have the power to go in and go, “Hi, um, could you choose take six? It’s infinitely better.” (Laughter.) And when you don’t have that ability and you’re at the mercy of someone else’s opinion of what is the finest work that you’ve done, which doesn’t always line up with what you feel, it’s really jarring and you feel so powerless to do anything about it. So, I have to just sage it all out and let my experience be the only thing that governs the way I feel about it.

RODRIGUEZ When the first two seasons of Pose came out, I didn’t watch them at first because I was just so nervous about how the world would receive it. It was a story that a lot of people haven’t gotten to see, and it was a whole bunch of trans women of color finally getting their shot. It’s a lot of responsibility. And on top of that, it’s a story that’s filled with trauma and things that a lot of us trans women have gone through, so it was hard for me to watch all of those things back.

Gillian, in your career you’ve also been a champion for pay equity. But even as you were promoting a book you co-authored on female empowerment a few years ago, you acknowledged that you were nervous speaking up about being paid less than your male co-star. What do you think you were scared of, and how have the conversations for you changed since?

ANDERSON I just need to point out that I first fought for pay equity way back when it was audacious by anybody’s standards, because I was a nobody when we started to do that series. But when I really spoke up about it was when it happened again, four or five years ago, after the career I’d already had post-X-Files. We were going back to do another season and Fox came to me to offer, I don’t know, a 10th of what my co-star [David Duchovny] was being offered. That was the point where I was like, “Fuck this. I’m actually going to talk about this [publicly].” And since then, it hasn’t really come up. I mean, I haven’t worked with a lot of men, so that hasn’t been an issue. (Laughs.) I’m certainly tuned to it, and were it something now, I’d address it. But I have so much admiration for anyone who stands up for their right either to be paid or to be hired, period. And look, they weren’t going to fire me on The X-Files. The stakes weren’t that high. I put my foot down, not because the stakes weren’t high, but if they were going to fire me, some people were going to have some things to say about that. It’s very different for a young woman going into a job situation with a boss who’s overbearing and asking for a pay raise.

Sure, you had leverage.

ANDERSON Yeah.

For the rest of you, when have you spoken up in your careers?

ERIVO I mean, the obvious is I’m a Black woman, and that has a lot to do with how you’re paid, how you’re hired, if you’re hired, the way you’re hired — it affects everything. I’m lucky enough to have a team behind me that is brave enough to ask the questions I’d like asked: What I’m being paid compared to the leading man in the show, or if I’m being paid a lot less, whether or not they are willing to come up so it becomes equal. And about little things in my contract that just make it easier to exist on a set. For me, it’s about having the guts to stick with it and to keep asking and keep fighting. And there are definitely times where you’re like, “I am so exhausted from asking the same thing.” Like, if we could please have this makeup artist with me because usually there are no Black makeup artists on a set and you’re the only one who needs one, and I’ve had to have that fight every single time I’ve gone onto a set: “I need to hire these two people because they are the only people that understand how to do my face or my hair.” It isn’t about vanity, it’s about making sure that whoever I’m playing is represented in the right way because they understand how to work with my skin tone and my hair. But you keep sticking with it because it’s not just me having my way, it’s me being able to employ two other people. And then maybe I’m asking, “Can we have a DP who understands lighting that works on my skin tone?” So it’s constantly being OK with asking the questions. And there is a bit of fear, like, “Am I going to be seen as difficult?” And yes, there are times where I’ve had someone say they’ve heard I was difficult, but usually, it’s because I’ve asked a question that will make for a better surrounding or a better show. And if I keep asking the questions and if other ladies like myself keep asking the questions, and we keep trying to better our spaces, it just becomes the norm — because at some point it has to just become the norm.

Elizabeth, I believe you had a saying in your house growing up, “No is a full sentence.” When do you find you use it?

OLSEN I use it a lot. (Laughs.) I use it when I’m on set. I mean, I want to be a part of every department when I’m on set. I want to understand the schedule. I want to understand everything. I produced a TV show [Sorry for Your Loss] that didn’t get too much light of day because it was on Facebook, which, whatever … but as a producer on it, it was really important for me to be a voice of everything you’re saying, Cynthia, and have heads of departments feel like and look like the freakin’ world. And just from having a taste of that for two seasons, I can’t [go back]. So when I go to do Dr. Strange 2 in England, I guess I use it when I just can’t shake it even though [the production is] so much bigger than me. I don’t know, my opinions are vast and everyone hears them, from the first AD to the EP. I think I’m like a representative of anyone having a hard time on set. … (Laughs.)

PAULSON You’re the Equity rep, I love it.

OLSEN Oh my God. (Laughter.)

When you think about your careers, is there someone else’s that you look at and go, “Ooh, yeah, I’d love that”?

OLSEN Gillian’s, Sarah’s …

ERIVO Yeah, Sarah, you’re that for me. You’re fucking incredible.

PAULSON You saying that to me makes me want to cry because sometimes you feel like you’re doing this in a bubble and you don’t even know if anything you’re doing ever has any meaning or impact to anyone.

ERIVO It does. From my heart, it does. And I hope I get to work with you one day.

PAULSON I’d give my eyeteeth. (Laughs.) For me, it’s Gillian — somebody being on a TV program for a long time that’s wildly successful and then retreats to another country to be onstage, to reconnect yourself to the very things that inspired you and made you want to be a part of this. It all gets very confusing in terms of how to navigate [this business]because you do want to make a living, but you also want to follow your heart. And there does come a time where you can become quite depleted from the constant output without any input. And if you’re a woman of a certain age, which I certainly am, I feel like I’ve got one foot on one window frame and I’ve got the other one over here and I’m just trying to insist that they stay open for as long as possible. And some of that is beyond my control, but when I look at Gillian’s career I just go, “Well, I want that.”

ANDERSON Thank you for saying that. On the one hand, I feel like there is some degree of design, but I’ve also never really gone after things. And when I finished with X-Files, I didn’t know if I wanted to be on a set again ever. So aside from having grown up in the U.K. and wanting to go back, I knew it would take time before I could, if I was going to. And in London, you could move between theater and TV, and that was always my dream. But every actor has the thing that they’d want more than the thing that they have, and I’m a cinephile, and so I [wonder], “Why do I keep doing TV? All I want to do is do film.” And I’m still doing TV. (Laughs.) But I’ve had such amazing opportunities that, coming from Scully, I even questioned people, like, “Why are you offering this to me? What makes you think that I can do this?” I’ll also say that as soon as you have kids, kids are the priority. So, I say to people, “I’m gonna be such a pain in the ass for you to hire. But if you think I’m this person, I’m gonna need to work during this period of time and then have time with my kids. And it’s going to be expensive for you. If you are willing to do that, then I’m your girl, and if you’re not, you need to find somebody else.”

Anya, Queen’s Gambit became a global juggernaut. How have your opportunities and choices changed? Is there pressure to strike while the iron is hot?

TAYLOR-JOY I think I’ve always followed character and only recently did I start following directors as well, but it’s always been about, “Do I feel like I’m the right person to tell this story? Do I think I can tell this story correctly?” And if you look at something like Queen’s Gambit, it was not supposed to be the white-hot show; it’s a show about a girl that plays chess for seven hours, but I felt so compelled to tell that story. So, it sounds cheesy, but I really just keep following my heart. OK, wait, I take that back. Something I’m also learning is that you give yourself to this person for three to six months, and I never used to think about this before, but now I start thinking, “Am I ready to give up my life for this person? Do I need to tell this story so badly that I’m going to do that?” I try not to think about what other people will think, because it’s your life at the end of the day. And as we all know, you’re that [character] every hour of the day, and when you go home it’s difficult to let go of them, so you have to really love them.

Mj, you’ve talked about how significant this show was for you and for the visibility of the trans community. How have the opportunities being presented to you post-Pose changed?

RODRIGUEZ In the middle of the third season, I started figuring out my worth, and it’s scary. I was nervous. I didn’t expect to actually book my next job after Pose.

ERIVO I did.

PAULSON We all did.

RODRIGUEZ And see, that’s my insecurity and that’s something I have to fix. I didn’t think it was possible. To get an opportunity like Pose and have myself centered in the story and to end it with hope, and then to get another opportunity with an iconic actress [an Apple TV+ comedy co-starring Maya Rudolph] was surreal. But if I’m still feeling the need for protection as far as my Blackness, my Latina-ness and my trans-ness go, that means there is more work to be done.

Are there doors still not open to the rest of you? Parts you’d love to play if only Hollywood would see you that way?

PAULSON No one has asked me to do a comedy, and I’m a little frustrated about that.

ERIVO And you’re funny as fuck.

PAULSON I spend a lot of time in these worlds where I’m either running or crying or screaming or playing a real person and trying to get their physicality, and I’d really like to do a nice road picture with me and a couple of chicks.

ANDERSON Ooh, I’ll go with you!

PAULSON How about all of us just in a road movie — like, get a Winnebago and let’s go?

ERIVO I’m down.

RODRIGUEZ Yeah, count me in.

ANDERSON I’m 53, Sarah, and I’ve really only been offered comedy in the last three years of my life, and I don’t think that’s because I’m any funnier than I used to be. I think a lot of it is that people just couldn’t fathom it, whether it was that Scully was still in their minds or it was someone else, because I’ve played a lot of dark characters, too. And so they just weren’t coming. And then came [Netflix comedy] Sex Education — and I passed when it first came to me because I didn’t think it was right. It was my partner who proverbially dug it out of the trash.

ERIVO I’ve yet to see a Call Me by Your Name for a Black woman, I have yet to see a piece that allows a woman of color to be sensual and soft and loving and be loved. I’ve just not seen it, and I desperately want to experience that, just because I want to be able to be in that space of vulnerability and lilt. I really want to do that. And that hasn’t come my way. A comedy hasn’t come my way either.

RODRIGUEZ Same. It’s been so hard when it comes to trans women being loved in a sensual way, and I’d love to do something like that.

Elizabeth and Anya, to Sarah’s point, Hollywood likes to keep actors in a lane. How have you avoided that kind of pigeonholing in your careers to date?

TAYLOR-JOY I’ve been saved from a lot of things in my life from pure innocence and naivete, genuinely. My first movie was called The Witch, I got a script immediately afterward that was about, you guessed it, a witch, and I figured, “Wow, why do they want to see me do this again?” So, I was immediately like, “Can I not do anymore witch movies, please?” And my agent was like, “OK. Sure, whatever you say.” I wonder how many people agree with me here because I certainly want to please, but in order to please, I don’t have to give up myself, and actually it’s more important to please myself than it is to please anybody else. I’m giving my heart, my body, my soul, everything to this character, I’m not going to do something because somebody wants me to do it. That doesn’t make any sense and, also, it makes me miserable and then I can’t do my best work. And so if I feel the opportunities that are being given to me aren’t the right ones, then I have to stick my neck out and go, “Hey, I think I could maybe do this, if you’ll give me the opportunity to try.”

How about you, Elizabeth?

OLSEN [In the beginning,] I was just trying so hard to not be put in a box that that’s what was guiding my choices. I knew that I didn’t want to be an actor who was thought of as “youthful and beautiful” and whatever that attachment people like to put onto young women, and so I did everything in my power not [to be seen as] that. But I didn’t have my own pillars of why I wanted to do things beyond just the character. That started to solidify only in the last five years. So I made a lot of odd decisions [after theater school at NYU] because I didn’t know enough about film and the machine of it. Right, Sarah? You were there for that time. We were in Martha Marcy May Marlene, and I remember someone asked me, “You had Sarah Paulson with you, didn’t you know it could be a film people saw?” And I was like …

PAULSON You were like, “Who the fuck is Sarah Paulson?” (Laughter.)

OLSEN No, but independent cinema to me was just, like, going to Quad Cinema in New York and seeing a movie. The theater world is all I understood. So I feel like a moron for going back to theater only once in 10 years. And this conversation with Gillian right now is inspiring.

In light of Elizabeth’s concern about the trap of being perceived as “youthful and beautiful,” how would you all complete this sentence: I wish our male counterparts also had to …

OLSEN Deal with lighting and hair and makeup before doing press. I don’t know what I’m doing.

ERIVO Deal with people believing that you’ve lost your sexuality after the age of 30.

TAYLOR-JOY Had an understanding of what it was like to walk into a room and sometimes have to enforce yourself for people to take you seriously. That ability to just walk into a room and go, “I am valid, I own my space and everybody respects me” — it would be good if they knew what it was like to not have that.

ERIVO And on the flip side, to not have to deal with walking into the room and trying to make sure people aren’t scared of you when you get there.

What do you all know now that you wish you could have told yourself at the beginning of your career?

PAULSON I would like to have told myself that I didn’t need to excise myself from the experience. I was very focused on looking at other actors who had careers that I admired when I was first starting out and wondering what it was about them that made it possible for them to be chosen or employed and I’d often try, in an audition or a social setting, to mimic what I imagined was the desired effect, taking me out of the scenario. And there’s this beautiful Martha Graham-to-Agnes de Mille letter that I used to keep in a dressing room any time I was doing a play, about how there is only one you in all of time and space and that what you see and how you experience things is unique to you. And if you block it, the world will not have it. And as a young person, I thought, “Mute me, mute my opinions, my thoughts, my assessments and try to fill it with other things,” and now I think it’s the exact opposite, so I wish I had known that earlier. But I’ll take knowing it now [over] never knowing it at all.

RODRIGUEZ I would have told my younger self that my existence is worth it. When I was younger, I tried to fit into this mold of what a woman should do — you know, keep your legs crossed, always bow down to a man. But we don’t have to live in that world anymore. It’s a new day.

It is, and that’s a good place to end. Thank you all for sharing your time and your stories.

ERIVO I know we’re supposed to finish, but do you know what’s occurred to me as I’ve listened to every one of you? I remember where I was when I watched every single one of you — and I remember what I was dealing with or going through. I was watching you, Sarah, when I was shooting Aretha. I was watching you, Elizabeth, when I was in London on my own, and you, Anya, when I was in Atlanta. Mj, I remember watching a season of Pose while I was shooting The Outsider. And Gillian, I watched you when I was in a hotel with my partner outside of London. And I remember what happened. And so your performances aren’t just brilliant, your performances get to be Post-its in all of our lives, and so I thank you for that.

PAULSON That’s a very beautiful way to put it …

ANDERSON It also brings us back full circle to what Anya said at the beginning, which is, “Oh my God, I have to keep reminding myself that people are going to watch this.” But actually, thank God that people are watching it, because we’ve touched each other’s lives and numerous other people’s lives just by focusing on the thing that we love most.

TAYLOR-JOY And the importance of these conversations is the honesty, because it’s very easy for us to get locked into our own heads of this as an individual experience — “There’s something wrong with me,” or “Everybody else is doing really great and nobody else grieves their characters,” or whatever your version of that is in whatever industry you’re in. But having honest conversations with people who are willing to be vulnerable just makes me feel so much less alone.

PAULSON The next time you feel that way, text me. I’ll remind you. I’d also like to say that there’s this [perception] of women being pitted against one another and not being there for one another, and this conversation is diametrically opposed, in that what we are actually saying is that each of us has been buoyed by and inspired by the work of everyone here. So, I may not watch anything I do, but I sure as hell am watching all of you.

Press: “It’s a New Day”: THR Drama Actress Roundtable was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[autisticzukka]

what is this hakoda zuko arranged marriage you speak of? i am intrigued

okay so the long story short is that it’s a slight rebuttal of a popular post that is very fun but i find like... unrealistic in a really intriguing way like, how would this ACTUALLY play out. I’ve talked about it at length in my server a few times, and it’s one of those AU’s -- like the genderbend zukka ATLA rewrite or the zukki fic that starts with sokka failing to assassinate zuko -- that lives rent free in my head and I’ve written a couple thousand words for.

tw for like VERY unrequited zuko in love with hakoda and the inherent comedy of sokka being in love with his fire nation stepmom.

so here’s hakoda, chief of the southern water tribe, happily not-married to Bato. and here is a more balanced war, where the north and the south are actually  allies, rather than whatever the fuck they were in ATLA. Yue already has a fiance and the Northern chief refuses to remarry. that leaves hakoda responsible for biting the bullet and doing a political marriage even though, as he points out at length, he is an elected official and if he stops being elected it’s no longer a marriage with the chief of the south pole. intelligently but mostly selfishly motivated (yue’s fiance is his nephew, after all) pakku points out that its not like the fire nation knows... that. the fire nation is dumb. ozai’s stupid.

faced with such inarguable points hakoda stiffens his upper lip, pre-emptively ends things with bato on the understanding that if this is another kya situation they’ll get back together and that he’s still the most important person to him but the tribe comes first yada yada, and deals with katara throwing the mother of all tantrums. it is slightly softened by the fact that in return for him marrying the fire nation noble, a thing everyone can agree isn’t traditional, the north has finally agreed to train katara. she heads out before the wedding, in protest but also so as to not cause an international incident.

(on her way, she’ll find aang. with the war less dire, katara will be sympathetic towards his desire to live without committing violence, even if she deeply can’t relate. they’ll have a hot girl romcom summer of self discovery and coming to terms with the dichotomy between duty and love as they become master benders. at some point they pick up toph. they ARE a throuple.)

sokka meanwhile is like.. not cool with it.. but ? kind of relieved? like. he’s the eldest kid. he’s 18, and he’s been a man of the tribe as far as legalities for several years. it would have been entirely understandable if his dad had asked HIM to do it. he had his emotionally crushing romance with yue, and as much as he was like ‘im kind of a prince’, he finds he doesn’t actually want some of the responsibilities and demands that would bring. yue’s life sucks.

back in the fire nation, zuko never demanded a quest and never went on it. he’s spent years hardening into something that, while brittle, can survive the pressures of the court around him. he still has his scar. he still wants his father to love him, but he knows by now that it’s not something he’s capable of earning. he watches his sister, never the most stable person, start to have complete breakdowns of sanity once she hits puberty, and helps her cover for it and receive medical treatment on the down low. he’s the heir, but he lives knowing that if he was ever in a position to inherit his choices are to abdicate or have the baby sister who he raised kill him and destroy herself and the country in the process.

when he realizes the plan is to marry azula off rather than someone more reasonable-- mai is RIGHT there, for fucks sake-- he doesn’t realize ozai’s true intent is to fuck this up through malicious compliance and false shows of good faith. he panics, and does the zuko thing: he blurts out that this is unacceptable and immoral and she’s only 16 and Ozai sees the true opportunity for two birds with one stone. send zuko, let him piss someone off so badly he gets killed or divorced, and he gets rid of zuko from the line of succession permanently. there are those who are incredibly attached to teh idea of a firstborn for firelord, and it’s been a constant thorn in unpopular ozai’s side to nto be able to name azula his heir apparent without costly rebellion. but if he can taint him in the mind of the fire nation so much that birthright is easy to supercede-- yeah. this’ll work PERFECTLY.

so zuko is sent to marry hakoda, chief of the water tribe.

literally NO ONE was expecting it to be a member of Ozai’s immediate family. besides the fact that his oldest child is half hakoda’s age and his brother has 20 years on hakoda, it would have been sus as fuck - the treaty is not favorable enough to grant that kind of secession of interests. it becomes quickly apparent that this young man -- hakoda reminds himself of that repeatedly. not kid. not kid. young man. don’t think of him like a kid, it’s hard enough on both of us already. -- is not a horrible threat. he’s scared shitless and shakes with what he thinks is bravado. he’s desperate to make the marriage work. he’s desperate to not go home. he’s got a giant fucking scar on his face from where the fire lord punished him for some grievous but unstated offense.

zuko “daddy issues” fire nation sees his husband to be and, despite being scared shitless, immediately begins to soften a little. like... he’s not nearly as scary as he thought he’d be. his face can be stern, but it just as easily breaks into huge smiles, and his eyes are crinkled with laughter. he’s incredibly handsome. and his biceps are. his biceps. are. his hands are...

like. zuko thinks. okay. maybe. maybe his marriage duties. won’t be so horrible as he thought. maybe he’s ready for this. and he knows what to expect, Uncle had discreetly provided him the means and the contacts to acquire an intimate education in the whirlwind of activity that was the two months before leaving. and like, once he’d gotten past the nerves, it was often even... good? or at least... not bad? he thinks that even if hakoda isn’t a professional expert, he has a certain.... je ne sais quoi, if you will.

((DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF DILF))

sokka sees his new stepfather and immediately falls in love because he’s that kind of dumb bitch. (the core of this au is that i cant breathe thinking about sokka falling in love with his hot young stepmom his age who his dad doesnt even want to fuck. like. i CANT. sokka masturbates to ‘hand caught in the washing tub’ fantasies which are even more absurd for requiring zuko to be DOING LAUNDRY. i find it so funny.)

bato watches them at the wedding feast while hakoda is very clearly trying to treat zuko as an Equal Adult Partner and mostly managing to seem like someone having a serious conversation with a seven year old about the game they’ve made up. zuko is clearly enamored with it, soaking up the attention, blushing and doing his best to Bravely Flirt, which at one point includes awkwardly attempting to feed Hakoda by hand. bato has to excuse himself to have a teary eyed giggle, hoping that Kya is in the spirit world looking down and laughing with him. he can’t resent the kid even a little bit, when hakoda is sitting there looking so incredibly fucking befuddled as to what he’s supposed to do with this star struck infant he’s legally wed to

anyways all of this... is very funny. their wedding night... is less so. zuko does not take the rejection from hakoda very well, especially because he’d been caught wanting. HE’S the one who should be rejecting hakoda. and he catastrophizes almost immediately about his potential value to the water tribe, his future treatment, that endless inescapable freezing cold loneliness is the good ending for him here... hakoda, meanwhile, drops zuko off at his home, reassuringly informs him that there’s NOTHING else expected of him and he will be well taken care of, and books it to bato’s. bato refuses to let him in on grounds of ‘you can’t sleep under the same shelter as me on your wedding night to that kid, have a fucking brain’, and he ends up crashing at sokka’s.

sokka, who had KNOWN that his dad wouldnt, but also upon seeing zuko and zuko’s awkward flirting was like... but how COULDNT he???? sokka is relieved.

the core of this fic is that i find it endlessly hilarious for zuko to try and seduce his husband while sokka simps around zuko and bato tries to be heartbroken or betrayed but mostly ends up with a giant case of hysterical schadenfreude. but the thing that CLINCHED it for me, like THE scene. several years after being married, settled into their life. they’re partners and they see each other as people. and zuko just fucking snaps one night

he just kisses him, desperate and clawing and climbing and maybe a little drunk. he knows hakoda is going to push him away, maybe even hit him, but he doesn’t care anymore, he doesn’t care. he can do anything he wants to him as long as he just-- finally does something. zuko is 21 and married to the surface of the sun and the surface of the sun jr is his best friend and clearly in love with him-- so clearly not even zuko can miss it-- and like. listen. listen. zuko is not a patient person. but he’s been patient for this. he waited and he matured and he is a fucking amazing husband and he wants this, he wants him. he wants to be wanted.

but hakoda doesn’t push him away. hakoda doesnt yell at him, or hit him. hakoda gentles the kiss into something soft and closed lipped. he pulls away slowly, and his eyes are so sad for zuko, so pitying. he strokes his cheek with the back of his hand so gently. he says, I’m sorry. I don’t want you.

and zuko daddy issues fire nation swallows

and he nods

and he leaves, even though its his own fucking house

and he knows he’s never going to be good enough

like FUUUCK i am OBSESSED WITH THAT

[spooky-space-kook]

Muay Thai Classes #8, 9, 10, 11… I'm a little behind!

Okay y'all. I haven't really talked much about my class lately. Mostly because I'm taking a break from most social media (It's... you know. It wears your soul down, y'all. Especially this one.)

So here's the deal. I've gone to four classes since I last updated.

8 was horrible. The absolute worst.

Not because of what anyone else was doing, but because of me. I had my confidence absolutely sucked out of me that day. I literally was a goop brain. I'd had a presentation with a client who essentially talked to me like I was a moron. Not in a mean way, but in that disappointed dad way. It was so frustrating because, well, you can't fight back with clients over that. You can't tell them that they are the ones who don't understand. So you just... take it. You capitulate.

I want to live on that island where people settle their differences by punching each other in the face once a year. I think it'd help.

But I can't so I learn Muay Thai.

So yeah. I went to that class absolutely physically drained because I was so emotionally drained. I realized I shouldn't have gone at all. You need to be present for your partner, and I wasn't that. I was dead weight, and all I had were excuses for it. I feel bad about that even now, weeks later.

8 sucked. 9 was better.

I had to skip two classes for travel, and by the time I got back I felt way better about things. But also, it was like I'd never fucking been to the class before! I told one partner that you'd think I'd never even learned to count with how I was goin'. Pff. Oh well, it went as well as it could and I felt better after. So there's that.

10 was great. It turns out I've basically been kicking wrong the whole time. And the thing is... I find out I've been kicking wrong every time I go to this damn class. But this time it actually clicked! It was awesome! I'm still shit, but I'm more on my game while being shit! I was so excited to really start getting it that I literally practiced at home and almost broke our kitchen table. Whoops!

AND. I MADE A FRIEND. His name is Tyrone. He was very nice to me. I remembered his name, but not his face. He remembered my name because his wife has the same name. Which I think is cheating at the name game because what the heck how dare you use tools to help you remember better :P! (kidding, of course. Kidding.)

Anyway, I made a friend! And I sparred with lots of people and was very proactive!

I did end up being paired with a lady who I've been scared of since I saw her on the first day. And damn I had every right to be. Gal is FAST. Not mean, just very capable and I'm a floppy noodle armed moron who could only do my best. She was pretty nice about it though so that's all I can reasonably ask for… well that and don't knock my ass out.

11 was the most recent. It went well. I was paired up with another very experienced person who told me I was thinking too hard about my kicks and to just go for it. I didn't have the hear to tell him I literally only just learned HOW to think too hard about my kicks so I did my best.

Also when people keep yelling "hit harder" and you're like "OH NO BUT WHAT IF I'M HITTING AS HARD AS I CAN???" that's a rough one.

Anyway he was also very nice and very patient. And taught me how to do a low kick better. I tried showing another new person I was paired up with but it didn't quite work as well coming from me. I don't really have the confidence to explain how to do things like other people do in my same experience range. How do you know??? I still do it wrong every time. Maybe I'm just a dummy. Oh well.

It went great. It's going great. It's hard as fuck. Not the fighting. I mean, yes the fighting. But not really that. Catching on to what's going on around me means paying close attention and being proactive. Proactive is not my nature. Waiting and watching are my nature. Analyzing is my nature. Being present, being forceful, giving direction in this kind of setting? I mean, I can have that energy, but it takes confidence. I don't feel safe or knowledgeable in this space. So stepping forward like that and risking being wrong or corrected is WAY outside a girl's comfort zone, lemme tell you. Way outside.

I was raised that you do it right or not at all. That wasn't really the right way to do things. It continues to fuck me up to this day. (Speaking of: Attachment theory. Did you know people with parents who reject their feelings rather than talking them through them when they're young tend to raise insecure, unsure, anxious children??? Guess who's a living anecdotal case of that little fact?) So yeah. I'm learning to be proactive and just risk being wrong. And letting that be fine.

[louandhazaf]

ANNUAL WRITING SELF EVALUATION

1. List of works published this year:

Feeling it Out (Hazoff) : Harry lost the grip on his towel, and it fluttered to the ground. The other guy took a step forward, reached down to pick it up, and stepped closer to Harry to return it. Close enough for Harry to see the occasional grey hidden in his beard, the unruly pit hair, still wet and clumped together, the way his dark chest hair continued down, through the middle of his belly and directly to his—      Harry jerked his eyes up to see the the other guy's questioning look.

lost in my head (Larry) : Louis had been, until about a year prior, the love of Harry’s life.

battling on the regular (Louis/Sam Fender) : Sam rearranges all the thoughts in his head that had been bouncing around since Louis had said relationship shit. Gone are flouncy bottle blondes who are not so subtly taking advantage of him and instead there’s Calvin Harris, breaking his heart. As if Calvin Harris deserves someone kind and generous like Louis to begin with.

Campus Creatures (Larry) (cowrite with @kingsofeverything) : It’s senior year for werewolf Louis Tomlinson and vampire Harry Styles, and as presidents of their respective fraternities, they’re determined to do it right.     Though what that means is anybody’s guess.

Those Hometown Lights (Lilo) : Louis came back into the screen a few moments later. He was in the faded red lifeguard trunks that Liam had spent many an afternoon drooling over from afar, but now it was practically a second set of skin, cupping his dick obscenely and leaving absolutely nothing to Liam’s imagination.     “Sometimes I can’t tell if I look any different, but I guess those squats are paying off,” Louis says with a laugh. He does half of one, with his back towards Liam, his thighs tensing and the seams of the bathing suit pulling tight.

Nothing but Time on His Dirty Hands (Larry) : Harry enjoys his daydream about Louis Tomlinson.

A+ Patient (Larry) : Harry hated everything about the dentist—the antiseptic smell and the bright light in his face and the disappointment in himself and the suction thingy that kept his mouth too dry.      But the thing he hated the most was how in love with his dentist he was.

Tommo the Tease (Nouis) :  Seeing Tommo relaxed and shirtless in person was a whole lot different than seeing him gleaming and shirtless on a camboy video.

When We Hold On (To The Past) (Zouis) : “Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” Louis said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—which he did.

Golden (Larry) : Harry makes a costly wish.

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

OOF. Well, I’d say either Feeling It Out -- because the Hazoff pairing was really hard to capture and the fact that I got through it and posted it means I should give myself a pat on the back -- or else When We Hold On (To The Past) because I had been wanting to write fallen angel Louis for literal years and I finally found a way to make it happen. 

3. Work you are least proud of (and why): 

Eh. I’ll go with Tommo the Tease because I forgot that I wrote it and then when compiling the list for #1 I put it as a Larry fic and then I just happened to catch the pairing and realized it was Nouis which means I wrote a Nouis fic this year and totally forgot about it???? So I must not love it. Which is fine! But therefore I’m not exactly proud of it.  

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

This feels like a bit of a copout since it’s also the summary, but I really adore this moment of When We Hold On (To The Past)

“Not a story to tell while we’re fucking,” he said with half a laugh. Zayn could drop the subject and keep fucking him, keep the strings from getting attached, pretend that they weren’t getting closer than Louis was comfortable with. Or Zayn could choose the opposite path—and he did—of pulling his fingers out and wiping them down and sitting comfortably, with his wide, intense eyes boring into Louis.

I just really love the idea of Louis trying so hard to keep a distance from Zayn, and then opening up for him (heh, while he was being opened up by him) by giving Zayn a choice, of either the physical or the emotional? I think this fic is a lot about living with the choices you’ve made, and this moment is sort of a corner where their relationship is going to change in major ways -- both because of Zayn’s choice to dig deeper emotionally and Louis’ choice to take another risk. 

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

All of them. Literally every nice comment, every kudos, every fic rec... each one brings joys to my life. 

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I mean.... motions vaguely to all of 2020. A quick summary of my year - I was laid off on 12/31 so I started the year jobless. Then we uprooted my family due to Covid19. I’ve been jobless all year. I decided to stay in the new location, so I’ve effectively moved... but my husband is still in the old location. I’ve come out as non-binary, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what I want my future to look like, I’ve been home schooling, and I’ve a year that is basically a total transition. So basically, all year writing was really, really hard. But since about end of summer, writing has been so hard that I haven’t done it at all. 

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

Looking back, I’m surprised I wrote so many pairings! Hazoff, Larry, Louis/Sam, Lilo, Nouis, & Zouis! 

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

to be honest, I’m not sure I did, but more importantly, I managed to write 10 fics during a global pandemic, so I’m not going to beat myself up about it. 

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

ha. Well. At this point simply getting back into the habit of writing would be a huge win for me, so let’s go with that. 

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Literally everyone who was able to write during this year??? Like, I know how hard it’s been for me, and to still get to visit ao3 and have new works to read and to get to cheer my friends on, that has brought me so much happiness and stability and I can’t express enough how amazing it is to be part of such a great community

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Other than ongoing themes of learning to communicate, and the Lilo fic happening during the pandemic, nope. 

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I am not in a headspace to be offering up wisdom, but I hope other writers know how valued they are! 

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

Yes. ha. There are some. I’m going to hold my cards close to my chest though. 

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read.

@kingsofeverything @disgruntledkittenface @lululawrence

*All answers should be about works published in 2020. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or don’t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want.

(also, here’re my responses from 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019)

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Forget Me Not (Part 2)

Summary: One day Dean seems to remember the reader which gives her hope about maybe getting him back home. But something isn’t sitting right with the reader when she looks into his medication...

Part 1

Pairing: AU!Dean x reader

Word Count: 2,900ish

Warnings: mentions of past abuse, mentions of death

______

“Hi Dean,” you said, taking a seat across from him at lunch. He glanced at you, staring at your visitors badge.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said. You froze in place, Dean going back to shoveling some ravioli in his mouth. 

“You know my name?” you asked.

“I remember my girlfriend’s name,” he said with a smile. “Although I suppose we aren’t dating anymore.”

“Dean, what-“

“I sort of unsnapped this morning. I was watching freaking Lassie with the goldfish guy and the chick with that wears the pink bucket on her head and I was just like what the fuck am I doing in here? Sammy didn’t want this for me. I got issues but shit, you come see me every single day and...I remember those conversations now. I’m tired of being scared and I want to be attached to people. Being alone sucks,” he said.

“Let’s talk to the doctor after lunch and see if we can work on getting you out of here.”

“So he’s an involuntary patient now is what you’re saying,” you said, crossing your arms in the doctor’s office.

“He had a mental snap. That’s not something to be taken lightly,” he said.

“I have been coming here every single day for months. I was stuck here for two months if you remember, Dr. Devon. I know what crazy is. Dean is not crazy. He was scared and now he’s decided he’s not going to be so what’s the problem with taking him home?” you said.

“Sane people don’t have mental snaps,” he said. 

“Can I take him out for an hour or two at least?” you asked.

“No. It’s too much for him and I don’t want him to have a reliance on you,” he said.

“Reliance? Sorry I’m not like all these other poor people’s families and don’t come visit them. I’m quite literally the only person he’s got left and I’m not leaving him behind.”

“Are you sure you don’t have an unhealthy obsession with-“

“I’m in love with him. You should try it sometime. Might fill that pit in your chest,” you shot back, slamming the door on the way out.

“Hi,” said Dean the next day. You forced a smile on your face, Dean shaking his head. “Don’t pretend to be happy just for me.”

“They won’t let you leave on account of what happened,” you said.

“I figured. I may have snuck back and took a look at my chart.”

“Always the troublemaker,” you said, rubbing your hand through his hair.

“Apparently I’m nuts. I do have a favor to ask though,” he said.

“Sure.”

“Sam’s birthday was last week. Can you get some flowers or something and put them by wherever he wound up?”

“Yeah,” you said. “I can do that. You got your days all settled again?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Y/N...I don’t think they’re ever going to be letting me out of this place. I don’t want you to be stuck to me. You don’t...you don’t have to stay.”

“Wow. That might just be the craziest thing you have ever said to me,” you said, Dean rolling his eyes. “Uh uh. Sorry but you’re stuck with me.”

“But why? I’m like the world’s worst boyfriend,” he said.

“I had the world’s worst boyfriend. The abusive one I killed, remember? You got scared Dean. Sam was...he didn’t look like Sam after he died and you had to see that from what they said and were trapped in that car with him for close to an hour. That was your worst nightmare and you were forced to live through it. I’m so sorry you had to see that baby and that you lost Sam that night. I am. But you’re allowed to get scared over it.”

“I didn’t get scared, Y/N. I had a mental breakdown,” he said.

“Well I had one too when I shot that asshole that used to hurt me,” you said. “I’m not abandoning you Dean. You saved me from this place and I’m gonna save you from it too.”

“Pill time Mr. Winchester,” said a nurse, setting down two paper cups in front of Dean.

“We’re having a conversation,” you said.

“Just forget it. I don’t want to get in trouble with nurse Rachet,” said Dean, tossing them back.

“Funny. I’ve never heard that one before,” she said, rolling her eyes as she walked away.

“Do you even know what those pills are for?” you asked.

“They make me sleepy and zone out I suppose,” said Dean, scratching his head. “They always gave them to me here.”

“Even when you were voluntary?” you asked. He nodded, licking his lips.

“Always makes me thirsty,” he said.

“They didn’t give me anything when I came here and I was definitely involuntary,” you said.

“Maybe they always knew I was nuts,” he said.

“Did Sam know they gave you pills?” you asked.

“No...what are you thinking while I’m still coherent enough for this conversation,” he said.

“I don’t know...I...honestly I always thought it was strange how you reacted after the accident. I mean, you did so well after you left and moved in with Sam. I know you were scared at first but a week later you were perfectly okay,” you said.

“What are you saying?” he asked.

“What meds are they giving you?” you asked. 

“Uh, I’m not gonna be able to pronounce it,” he said. 

“Take my phone and go snap a picture of your file,” you said, handing it over under the table. “I’m gonna get the nurse to leave the station.”

“How?” he said.

“By acting like a dumbass,” you said, knocking Dean’s cup off the table. You stood up and stood in the liquid, making a show of slipping and falling to the ground. You shut your eyes, some feet moving around and you played dumb, peeling open your eyes to catch Dean pop out of the nurses station. “Sorry. I’m a klutz.”

You gave Dean a hug goodbye after you got to your feet, your phone getting slid back in your pocket.

“Be safe in here, Dean,” you said.

“Be safe out there,” he said quietly. 

“Do me a favor and throw up that medicine if you get the chance,” you said.

“No complaints from me.”

“Those motherfuckers,” you said that night, running your hands over your face as you looked at your computer. The medicine Dean was on was great for people with severe mental problems like psychosis or those that couldn’t differentiate reality from fantasy or hallucinations. When given to a perfectly normal person though, it fucked them up pretty good.

Dean hit every single one of the side effects. Memory loss, mood changes, depression, anxiety, exaggerated fears. In small doses like he’d gotten during his first stay, it probably fed into his anxiety which turned into fear which probably kept him there. In a larger dose though, it would have caused him to forget about you, the accident, Sam.

“Why are they drugging you, baby,” you said to yourself, tucking your knees into your chest. “Why would they want to keep you there…”

You sighed and pursed your lips, trying to think of why Dean went in the first place. He’d always said it’d been voluntary but maybe he’d been drugged before hand and…

“That’s crazy,” you groaned. You stood and went back to your kitchen, pouring yourself a glass of water. There was a knock on your back slider door and you jumped. Grabbing a knife you looked over at it, your hand immediately dropping it. Quickly you went over and opened it, shutting it after a moment while your glass of water was gulped down.

By Sam fucking Winchester.

“Thanks,” breathed Sam, filling it up again before he slid down the cabinets and started to drink.

“Are you a zombie,” you said, looking him up and down. He stared at you and rolled his eyes. “You don’t look like a zombie.”

“I’m not dead, Y/N. I never was,” said Sam, closing his eyes. “I got fucking kidnapped.”

“What?”

“I’m a lawyer. I apparently won a case I shouldn’t have and now my life is a living hell,” said Sam, crawling over to your fridge. He opened it up and looked around, stealing a sandwich from the shelf.

“Are you okay?” you asked.

“Oh, I’ve had a hell of a time the past few months,” he said. “Listen, about Dean-”

“He’s being drugged to make him a bit on edge or occasionally crazy. Yeah, figured that one out today,” you said. Sam nodded and took a bite of his food.

“The car accident wasn’t an accident. Someone hit us and they shoved a big ass needle in his arm and then I think when he woke up, he got fed a story that he believed because of whatever they gave him. We, and by we I mean you, need to get him out of there,” said Sam.

“He’s involuntary. I’ve tried,” you said.

“Is it that bastard Devon? I’m pretty sure he works for these people,” said Sam.

“Okay but why would someone drug Dean before they kidnapped you?” you asked.

“Dean has never been the most emotionally healthy person. I won’t pretend that but he’s never been nuts a day in his life. He went out with this guy’s daughter. The next day, he admits himself to that hospital. She drugged him. She drugged him and got him in there where Devon could keep feeding him meds. Then you encouraged him to leave and he did. He couldn’t force Dean to stay since he wasn’t any danger. It was all part of a long con I found out. This way, once they kidnapped me again, Dean would go back in and I was told very clearly that they can get in but he can’t get out.”

“They were holding him captive without anyone besides Devon even realizing,” you said, putting your hands on your head. “Shit Sam.”

“I know. The drugs probably help keep up the illusion. But Dean’s starting to get used to the meds which is why they finally let me out,” he said. “Now that I am properly incentivized, I’ll do what they say.”

“What exactly are you going to do? This guy’s already in jail, isn’t he?”

“I’m going to take the fall and say I planted evidence and I did it. I didn’t die, I ran to protect myself. If I don’t, Dean gets a big dose tomorrow morning, one that will either kill him or...turn him to mush. I don’t know but it is my fault he is trapped in there and it’s my fault he’s felt like shit for so long and he didn’t deserve any of it. I need your help, Y/N. Please.”

“It’s not your fault Sam and you’re not going to do what they said. We’re going to get Dean out and get these guys,” you said.

“Y/N, there’s no way. I just...I need you to look after Dean for me after I’m gone. Please,” he said.

“Do it yourself. We’re getting him out. Tonight.”

“How? It’s-”

“Sam. You seem to have forgotten that the last guy that hurt me, I killed him. Whoever these people are, they hurt me and my boys. I am sure you’re a whole lotta jacked up and hiding it right now which is fine but we’ll deal with it later. These people got a weak spot. You just aren’t seeing it.”

“What’s that?”

“He has a daughter, Sam.”

“Hello, Helena,” you said with a smile a few hours later. She narrowed her eyes at you from where Sam held her back in the middle of her bedroom. 

“Do you have any idea who my father-”

“Crime boss. Yes, we know who your father is,” you said. “Yes, I’m sure he’s going to kill us and blah blah. I am more interested in knowing if you care about what you’ve done on behalf of your father.”

“What wouldn’t a daughter do for her father?” she smirked.

“Don’t make it creepy. I’m talking about Dean Winchester. You drugged him last year, got him to admit himself to the institute down the road,” you said.

“So?”

“Well, your family has been feeding him drugs that aren’t too friendly with those not suffering from certain conditions. I was simply wondering if you’d like to experience what Dean’s been dealing with,” you said. You reached into your jacket pocket and pulled out a small case, unzipping it to reveal a capped syringe.

“You’re nuts,” she said, squirming against Sam.

“No, but you’re about to be,” you said, taking off the top. “Which arm? I’ll let you pick.”

“I didn’t drug him!”

“Yeah you did,” you said, flicking the syringe.

“Okay, I did at the bar but dad just said the guy owed money. He didn’t say…” she said, staring at you. “That’s saline, isn’t it.”

“Yes, it is,” you said, putting it back in the case. “I did not figure you for an asshole Helena and the torturing type. But that’s what your father did. He hurt my boyfriend. He hurt my friend right there behind you. They weren’t bad people. My friend did his job as a lawyer and that is all.”

Sam released her and she shrugged him off, taking a deep breath.

“I’m not asking you to turn on your father or your family,” you said, her gaze wandering over to yours. “I’m not even going to threaten you. I just want you to tell me how to get your dad to back off.”

“If he’s a lawyer I’m guessing you put away one of dad’s guys,” she said, looking at Sam. “That must make you Mr. Winchester. You put away Burt, dad’s second in command.”

“Yes, I did. He killed a young woman,” said Sam.

“I know. She was my friend. Who do you think the anonymous tip came from,” she said. 

“Then help us, Helena,” you said. “Help your friend. Don’t let him get out.”

“...What do you need me to do.”

Two Days Later

“Hey, Dean,” you said, popping into his hospital room to find him fast asleep in his bed, his detox bag going through him still. Sam was in the other bed, a few injuries wrapped up as he took a nap. 

“Y/N,” said Dr. Martin, waving you out to the hall. 

“The boys doing better today? I wanted to see if I could bring them lunch by,” you said.

“Sam’s injuries are healing. Dean’s system is nearly flushed of any traces of the drugs. Physically, they’re both doing well. Mentally, I’m going to recommend some individual and family therapy for everyone,” he said.

“Probably not a bad idea,” you said, smiling as you glanced in the room. “How are they really?”

“Sam is experiencing what we’d expect him to. Dean, I don’t suspect there will be any long lasting effects but the next week is going to be rough for him, the both of them,” he said. “I would just be gentle with them both for now and encourage them to talk but don’t push.”

“Thank you,” you said. You ducked into their room and took a seat in a chair, kicking up your feet with a sigh. “You’ll be alright boys.”

“I’m home,” you said a few days later, carrying a mountain of groceries under your arms. “Boys!”

You heard nothing and carried the bags into the kitchen, smirking when you looked out the back window and saw them each laying on one of your patio chairs.

“How are you two doing?” you asked, ruffling Dean’s head. 

“Enjoying freedom,” said Sam, stretching out in his seat. “I’ll grab the rest of the groceries. You’ve been going like crazy the past few days, Y/N.”

“Thanks, Sam. I picked up some stuff for burgers later, figured maybe we could grill,” you said. “I got ground turkey for you.”

“Sounds great,” said Sam. He popped inside and you ran your fingers through Dean’s hair.

“Feeling more with it today?” you asked.

“Yeah. More of those gaps are filling in. Thanks for getting me out of there,” he said.

“You never needed to be there,” you said. He reached up and grabbed your hand, smiling as he looked up at you. 

“Please don’t ever do anything like that again though. You could have wound up hurt or worse,” he said.

“I can hold my own,” you said. “I love you, De.”

“I love you,” he said, reaching up and pulling your face down to his. “Thanks for not giving up on me, sweetheart.”

“Never, Dean.”

______

[shadowgamerhalo]

Hello! May I please have a creepypasta romantic match-up and or a little scenario to go with it? (But only write what your up for) Tysm in advance! Anyways I hope you have a great day/night and tysm once again!

Zodiac sign: Leo sun, Aries moon, Leo rising

Personality Type: ENTP

Pronouns: She/her

Sexuality: Straight (For now might be bi but i'm going with straight) I'm 5'4 and I have a very tiny body frame so i'm extremely petite and pretty small. I'm not very curvy and I literally have the body of a cereal box...lol but its fine because I have nice hips and thighs. I have thick brown hair that goes down to my back and it gets tangled pretty easily but its kinda fluffy. I have brown eyes and tiny freckles all over my face and body. I also have a very strong grunge style, like Flannels, band t-shirts, combat boots, leather jackets etc. But i'd also always enjoy a nice oversized sweatshirt or hoodie with a pair of skinny, ripped jeans and some converses or something along those lines. For my personality.....this is where things get interesting. At first people find me very intimidating due to my resting bitch face and cold exterior but I promise i'm not like that ALL the time. When you get to know me, i'm goofy and about everything that comes out of my mouth is sarcasm or some dry humored joke. I'm also that one friend in a group where they literally will do the stupidest shit ever like for an example one time it was super dark outside and my other friend was there, while I was trying to climb a tree and I failed and fell out of the tree, and landed on my back. I got straight up after that somehow it didn't hurt.....like at all? But yeah i'm super reckless and sometimes people have to save me from myself if you get what I mean. I also have a very strong "I don't give a fuck" attitude and I will not hesitate to stick up for myself or my friends....like i'm the type of person where if someone glares at me, i'll glare right back.

I have bad anxiety and I can be very self destructive. This is where my feisty, stubborn, hardheaded side comes in. If I want something then i'll fight for it even if it hurts me and i'll get into a bad cycle of putting myself down and trying to do better even if I did great the first time but I always push myself too far and other people have to stop me because I usually can't see it when its happening. I also cover my emotions up and I have a lot of trouble talking about whats bothering me or what problems i'm having emotionally so I put up a wall and I act tough, or happy and sometimes i'll be the exact opposite but I try to hide it. Weird things about me: I've grown up in the south all my life so sometimes when I talk a few words they'll come out sounding WAYYY more country and southern then I wanted, I don't have an accent but sometimes my words just come out that way. I also love the smell of cigarette smoke....let me explain. When I was a kid my parents smoked a lot and I was used to smelling it and now it reminds me of home and is sort of comforting.

Things I like: I love swimming (I was on a swim team for about 9 years), I love horror movies, I like rain and the sounds of thunderstorms because its calming to me, I also love the smell of rain, I like cloudy days, cooking, listening to 80's and 90's rock but mainly 90's because 90's is the best, My favorite bands are Bush, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Linkoln Park, Pearl jam but i'm pretty open to anything.

Things I dislike: Spiders.......I will scream if I see a spider.

I pair you with the part tsundere Bloody Painter!

Helen doesn't fall easily. So your relationship was probably a bit rocky, with first impression, since Helen and you have that same problem. This though, did start the conversation which led to your relationship, so it was actually was good in the end!

In general Helen has a quiet exterior, though once you got to know each other, you can actually see why he hangs around Puppet. Cause this man, has one wicked sense of humor. As soon as you show your more goofy, sacrasm side. Helen is showing how devious he is. You'll likely see it first with your fear of spiders. Expect a bit of teasing, cause he will smirk at you, before he squishes it, and then proceed to tease you a bit.

He's definitely the kind of person to trick someone into doing something stupid, for his amusement. So he will make no exception of not pulling that on you. Though he will probably make sure you're okay in the end, just cause he loves you. The kind of person to deny it, but really you can tell. Cause for you, he's easier to read. If you stick up for friends, then expect him right behind you making the most threatening aura possible to the person you're fighting. Which means you'll win most of your fights, without having to throw a punch.

Your anxiety and self destructive tendencies, will likely have you seeing a very gentle and soft side to Helen, much quicker than you would think. He also has trouble explaining his emotions, though he will become good at reading yours. Likely you will become good at reading his, so it'll be a balance. Granted, Helen is stubborn too, though in a different way as he's also patient. He will stick with you once he's attached, no matter what.

You sounded southern with some words, actually makes Helen giggle and he will tease you for it. Though once you're around him long enough, you'll realize that he has that. Such as him sounding more cockney, such as whenever he tries to pronounce meter, and so on and so forth. Plus a bonus if you hear him say shit. I suggest recording that, to tease him back as revenge >;)

Helen surprisely smokes, not a lot but you can tell when he does. So you'll probably smell it in his clothes. Which means if you steal them, that means you'll get a flustered Helen, who probably will initiate cuddles afterwards. Cause he's not the tallest in the manor, being at 5'8, but you'll still be smol to him, which he adores. He won't mock you for your height, though he might pick you up like a cat. He also likes your hair, cause he can style it for drawings of you, and he likes running his fingers through your hair while cuddling.

Speaking of drawing, expect to be draw a lot. Like even when you're not too aware of it, Helen will probably be drawing you absent-mindly. If you're swimming, probably will be drawing you doing it. Helen will show you his art, as you've become his muse. No worries, not the blood paintings. He might even give you ones with things you like, like a cloudy day one.

You can introduce him to your music, and he'll likely listen to it with you while he draws or paints. Also, you'll have to remind him to eat sometimes especially when he's in creative mode, so practice for cooking. Also if you give him some shepherd's pie, he will shower you with affection.

This one took a while, as I tried my best to find on that fit. I hope this to your liking, I did my best. If you want a scenario based off of this then, I'm happy to provide. This goes for all who ask for match-ups.

[viviane-lefay]

Yeah, no fucks to give here!

Really not into this ship - at least not in a romantic & sexual context.

—

At this point, I think it is best, if I put a little clarification here, before I continue:

This is just about my personal opinion, theories & headcanon - and by no means lays a claim to general validity (nor does your POV, btw).

I have more of a pick & choose approach to fandom subjects, anyway, so I can customize the experience exactly according to my needs and wishes. This is fiction, after all - the realm of endless possibilities - where anything goes, and where there is a place for the preferences of all of us.

That said, I really want to point out that I have nothing against people shipping the Dr. with Agent Stone - but since I, personally, prefer m/f ships, I’d rather choose the female OC approach, as it’s also my beloved villain x heroine constellation (not the subject of this post, though).

My take on the dynamic between the Dr. and his assistant is, therefore, quite a bit different from the fandom popular one. Well, to each his own.

What this post definitely is not, is an invitation for a debate regarding character interpretation, shipping choices, etc. - and all the potential drama that this might entail. If that is what you’re after, then I’d politely ask you to leave now, because all you are doing is wasting both of our time.

Let’s just agree to disagree and move on, k!?

I do my thing and you do you, guys!

I suppose, I made myself abundantly clear now.

—

Anyway, to return to the topic …

Where have all the male friendships & professional partnerships in fandom gone!?

Because, personally, I think agent Stone rather relates to his boss on that level…

Robotnik being a role model of some sort, that is - not unlike a kohai & senpai, or a younger & older brother constellation, actually - where the former looks up to the latter due to certain traits that he admires (and Stone certainly does). Regarding the age difference of the two, this could also make sense.

I’d estimate that Stone can’t be much older than his mid-twenties at most, since he’s in the position of a junior agent and assistant - still at the very beginning of his career path. And he’s very capable, disciplined and professional, at that, which is probably why he made it as Robotnik’s assistant at all (unsurprisingly, given the man isn’t the most patient).

Speaking of whom - I think, regardless of Jim Carrey being in his late fifties at that point - he, himself, can’t be that old, actually. My personal take (& preference) here would be late thirties, which would still make a lot of sense regarding his academic and occupational career. Being this overachieving genius, I guess that he finished school in time-lapse mode, skipping one, or even more grades - same goes for uni. Therefore, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was done by the age of 25 - his five PhDs included (bet he did two at once), which would still give him plenty of time to make his way as an agent and scientific government official up to the time of the events of the movie.

Aside from that, I can’t help but see parallels to the dynamic of Piett and Vader here, as well - a mixture of professional esteem and a bit of intimidation. But certainly no outright fear, as Stone is hardly under the threat of being strangled to death by his superior, like poor Piett is.

That is not to say that Robotnik’s still frequent misconduct towards him is ok (it definitely is not), but it certainly is more mild than he behaves towards, say, pretty much anyone else. Btw, that includes the “pin yourself to the wall”, grabbing him by the bottom lip and dragging him towards himself, while glaring at and chiding him (For what exactly!? Not being perfect, or as smart as him!? Chill, man, the boy is doing his best, and he’s doing a good job!).

Fandom, of course, does what it always loves to do - construe this as “evidence” for the alleged attraction between the two, which is pretty far-fetched, imho (…although you’re surely free to interpret it this way, if you so please. As I said, this is just my pov & to each his own. *shrugs*).

Anyway, you can clearly see Robotnik displaying this type of behaviour, along with the invasion of personal space, towards other male characters as well - be it “Major Nobody Cares”, “Officer Brainfart”, the big bar dude he threw out of the window, or Tom Wachowski. So, following this line of argument, does that mean he’s into these guys, as well!? Honestly, that’s pretty ridiculous!

If anything, it is a blatant display of asserting dominance, bringing the message home that he is the alpha male, while putting his opponent / subordinate in his place - and that’s it! What this behaviour definitely is not, however, is something remotely shipping related.

Besides, there are many examples of other male characters doing this for similar reasons, too - amongst others Darth Vader (remember that scene between him and Orson Krennic!?), and Severus Snape (after Harry invaded his memories during the occlumency lessons). And Robotnik does that quite aggressively in the cases above. In fact, it seems to be a fairly consistent behavioural pattern with him (not that he actually needed that though, but that’s an entirely different matter).

As for Robotnik’s personal attitude towards his assistant, I think Stone’s one of the very few people he actually respects, and even likes, because the young man’s esteem for him is so genuine, while everyone else regards him pretty much like nothing more than an asset, or a threat.

It’s not like he doesn’t somewhat encourage being kept in that position himself, behaving like he does - aside from actively reducing himself to his intellect & academic prowess. This isn’t all that surprising, as it is something he apparently gets his entire sense of self-worth from, and likely the only thing he got any appreciation for from others, which is, perhaps, also why he constantly needs to spotlight said trait (no behaviour someone truly at one with himself & his abilities would display, btw). Then, there is his little tolerance for failure - especially when it comes to himself. He truly expects to perform flawlessly, like a machine, and when he doesn’t, that really seems to unsettle him (that face when Tom points his unsuccessful attempts to catch Sonic out to him … he was so offended, he almost looked like he wanted to cry ^^;;).

So, of course it is likely that he becomes quite attached to the sort of attitude and behaviour that Stone displays towards him, even though he wouldn’t think of it this way - because, you know, emotional bonds with other human beings obviously are beneath him (Yeah, sure, we did see the veracity of that claim afterwards, didn’t we!?).

But, then again, growing up as an emotionally starved child and adolescent, used to being brushed aside, and, later, deliberately distancing himself from other people, he actually might have no clue whatsoever how to appropriately deal with things like these, and thus brushes them aside as “weakness”, which really does make sense, especially in the context that he was bullied as well.

Same goes for him eventually adopting the habit of pushing other people away via plain disagreeable behaviour. I think this phenomenon is called “hedgehog’s dilemma”, and it is quite ironic that he is more afflicted by it than his blue nemesis.

It is so painfully obvious that this guy has some massive issues, stemming from past emotional neglect and negative experiences - so much, that he even rejects all things human altogether, along with his own humanity.

His excessive idealization of and identification with technology, therefore, comes quite in handy as a defense mechanism in order to cope with said experiences.

Machines don’t ask much of you, they do what they are told, they are predictable, and they - above all - can’t suddenly abandon, betray, humiliate, and hurt you (which, I think, is the crux of the matter here).

Even though he might claim that his robots are everything to him, and that he doesn’t need anything and anyone else - his actions, however, prove otherwise … let alone his constant spiteful remarks on the matter, which just sound so damn bitter.

We can recognize that quite clearly when he is forced into involuntary seclusion on that mushroom planet at the end. This is where we see that what he truly is missing are not his machines (I bet he could have easily built a robot to accompany him out of the wreckage of his vessel), but one of the few people (maybe even the only one at that point), that he had apparently grown to value as worthwile company - namely agent Stone.

And, yes, it is very evident that he misses him (platonically, for me - but this isn’t even the point here) - he even tries to make a rock resemble Stone’s likeness in order to have someone to “talk to”, and mimic the social interactions he had with him.

Essentially, all those objects and machines are but a substitutive gratification that he tries to use, but that never come remotely close to the real deal, let alone are ever able to replace it.

In the end, he’s still a human being, along with all the human needs that go along with it - human contact and care included.

If the psycho-social and emotional makeup of his closest known relatives is any indicator to how his own might be structured - and it usually is (I’m speaking about the nature aspect, not nurture) - then he can’t be such a bad guy, after all - at least not inherently.

Taking his grandfather Gerald Robotnik, for example, who loved his granddaughter Maria (a total sweetheart) so much, that he was willing to do anything for her, in order to heal her from the fatal illness that was afflicting her - and who literally went insane with grief after losing her - then it shows someone with a strong emotional life, who feels what he feels very keenly and deeply. Furthermore, he is also someone that happens to bond very selectively, but if that is the case, it has this virtually absolute quality about it, with a love just as intense and profund to match (which is quite beautiful, actually).

On the other hand, though, that can also mean someone that has a high degree of emotional vulnerability, and who, therefore, is susceptible to sustain lasting damage from interpersonal traumatic experiences (which happens to be the case here, imho).

More often than not, it is this type of person that is likely to cork up their feelings and harden their hearts as a result - and who use every opportunity to deride the very traits, needs, and wishes they worked so hard to push away, if they see them in others. That is, amongst others, what gives them away. It’s pure projection - which is why I think that his caustic remarks should definitely not be taken at face value.

There are many, many examples of villains (or anti-heroes) that fit this type. Robotnik would hardly be an exception.

Besides, it is nice to see that Jim Carrey seems to have a fairly similar take on that matter (not that I actually care, but still):

“… and all it really comes down to is, he wants to be special to somebody, only it’s gone megalomania for him.”  [x]

Ouch! Poor guy, actually.

He seems a lot like Ozai in that regard. No wonder I dig this dude (aside from him being hot, that is, haha) - he’s totally the type of villain I fancy.

And also, like it’s the case with Ozai, I can’t help but wonder about his past, given there is known so little about it (aside from a few hints), so the following will be about some of my personal theories and headcanons about him, his family, and his past.

These are such important characters (main antagonists, no less), yet the creators can’t bring themselves to be more specific about the most basic facts concerning their families. Ugh, huge pet peeve here! Nobody expects a huge ancestral chart down to the tiniest details, but they could at least offer more info about their closest relatives - especially the parents, who happen to have the most formative influence on a person.

How old was he, when his parents died, anyway!? That they died seems pretty much a given, as that is what being an orphan is about, per definitionem (and he referred to himself as such). But how did they die? Did he witness their death, or was he absent?

Personally, I have this theory that their demise might very well be linked with what happened to his grandfather Gerald Robotnik, and his cousin Maria. Perhaps they were on that space research colony during the military assault, and were also amongst the “collateral damage” there.

From what I read, the recruited scientists lived there, so I reckon that they did bring their families with them, which is likely, since it is said that Maria was born there, so at least her parents must have lived there for an extended amount of time, as well. Since Ivo isn’t Maria’s brother, but her cousin, Gerald must have had at least two children, who lived alongside him (… and his wife!? No info about her, either.) on that station.

While I think both of Ivo’s parents were from prominent scientist families (after all, that is what the population of this space station was comprised of), it is still unclear whether or not they remained on that station. I am inclined to believe they might have split their time between there and Earth, as Maria and Ivo don’t appear to have been particularly close, such as, for instance, her and Shadow (who was pretty much her only friend there), but I think that might also have been the case due to a difference in age.

Maria was 12 years old when she died during the military attack on the station. Since Ivo apparently seems to have no significant memory of his parents, and seems to have spent his childhood as an orphan, he can’t have been older than 3-4 during this incident.

With Gerald arrested, and pretty much the rest of the inconvenient Robotnik family gone, aside from that small child, I think the military decided to take him along, simply because of the vast potential of this child, coming from a bloodline of geniuses, that was now theirs to mold and to exploit.

They likely left the boy in an orphanage afterwards, mostly to his own devices, and without any support, or caregiver whose bonds transcended the mere duty of keeping their fosterling alive - a lonely life, largely deprived of emotional warmth and attachment.

However, they did keep him under close monitoring, so they could intervene anytime they saw fit, to stir him in the direction they wanted - like a psychological experiment of sorts. I remember that in the movie the presiding pentagon guy referred to him as “a lab rat with teeth” - which is rather telling regarding how they perceived him, and pretty nasty, considering the implication.

The Robotnik name, though, they obviously did not refuse him - a decision they would come to regret later. While this allowed him the only tie to his ancestry, their legacy, however, didn’t do him much good.

Gerald Robotnik was a disgraced man, known to the world as the genius madman, imprisoned and sentenced to death as a criminal - which was, by far not the whole truth. And yet, he was turned into this idealised picture of a hero by his grandson, who so admired his achievents and strove to become a scientist because of it, despite knowing only the official version of the story.

The tainted reputation of his grandfather would haunt Ivo for a long time to come. It would also become the lens through which he was perceived and judged by the world at large, and this turned out to be the main reason he was rejected, and, furthermore, relentlessly bullied by his peers - irrespective of his own accomplishments, which earned him at least the praise of his authority figures.

That he eventually snapped and retaliated, did not exactly improve the situation for him. While the bullying did stop for the greater part, the peoples’ suspicion had turned into fear, as their concerns had come to pass after all, and, as a result, he was shunned even more.

In the following years, he was further on groomed to become this perfect military asset - a morally unchecked scientist and ruthless agent, that the government could deploy like the weapon they undoubtedly saw him as.

Unfortunately for them, however, their experiment didn’t quite have the outcome they had anticipated, as he not only exceeded their expectations on an intellectual and scientific level, but, at the same time, became increasingly unstable, unpredictable (”psychological tire-fire”) and, hence, potentially dangerous - to such a degree that they became very hesitant to deploy him at all (despite the “perfect operations record”), and even downright terrified of him.

Frankly, I think they’d also have ample reason to be afraid of him, other than just his obviously ambitious nature. The most prominent being a possible event, where he finds out about what truly happened to his family and himself, as well as their role in this. Needless to say, that he wouldn’t take this lightly, considering all the shit he had to endure because of it, and likely seek revenge. I’d really be curious about such a scenario.

[lockedstuck]

beyond our fury and our silences

2021, 04/17 - Sollux Captor

You envy the patients on the unit who have a “normal” to return to. You never have, and never will. You’ve had periods of more gentle oscillation, like high school as opposed to the jagged highs and equally disruptive lows of your undergraduate years. However, you haven’t been “normal” in terms of psychopathology since you were a kid.

Dr. Vandayar suggests that perhaps your childhood years did a number on your sanity, though not word for word. He’s way more polite about it. You kind of want to hit him for it.

Your dad did his absolute best to raise you, all seventy hour weeks to afford summer camp for gifted kids and SHSAT prep classes. So did your mother, teaching you math and history, even if she was psychotic, even when her mental landscape frequently shifted like sand on the beach. 

Once, when you were maybe ten, she came home an hour late from a quick run to the grocery store five blocks away. She explained, gentle yet adamant, that people had decided to follow her home, and she did not want them to know where she was going. What if they’d decided to rob her? Your dad sighed. He pressed a kiss to her forehead.

She sat at the dining room table later, repeatedly drawing pictures of seashells. When you sat down next to her, and pulled your chair close so that you could see her work, she started to explain the Fibonacci sequence to you. It wasn’t hard to understand adding the sums of the two previous numbers together. She launched into another explanation of the not unrelated golden ratio, and you just sat there and let her go on for a while, even when you didn’t quite understand. 

She took out a nautilus shell that she had fashioned into a necklace, showed it to you, and wound up giving it to you. When you asked her why, she smiled and shrugged. You continue to wear it underneath your clothing. 

Perhaps you’ll give it to Feferi when she gets discharged, given her love of all things aquatic. At this rate, she’ll probably get out before you do, what with the nine ECT treatments you still have to complete.

Out of nowhere, Roxy walks over to you, and you glance up at her. You know by now that whatever comes out of her mouth will be either offensive, amusing, or both.

“Aradia’s on the phone for you, Lispy! Hey, could you tell her something for me?”

You stand up and stretch, fingertips toward the ceiling. “What is it?”

“Tell her that her voice is really cute, but that she’s way cuter in person,” she replies. “Wait, hold up. Tell me she’s not straight. Is she straight? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable.”

You don’t know whether or not to answer truthfully. You should probably ask Aradia about that beforehand. You walk over to the pay phone, and put the receiver to your mouth.

“Ray? Is that you?”

“Hey, Sollux,” she says. Then, a pause that stretches into infinity, or ten whole seconds at the very least. “Is it okay if I visit tonight instead of tomorrow? One of my students is actually attending my office hours, which--”

“--overlap with my visiting hours,” you finish. Maybe you should have let her complete her sentence. 

You’re tetchy and impatient, the first thing having been induced by your session with Dr. Vandayar, and the second by the fact that next week will mark one whole month since you arrived at this hospital, and what precisely do you have to show for it? 

Roxy’s almost completely weaned off methadone and will probably leave next week, to go to inpatient rehab. June is going home the Monday after next. Feferi got here the same day as you and will most certainly be gone the same week as June. Eridan will be gone before you finish out your ECT treatments, since his conclude next week, as will Karkat, Porrim, and probably even Calliope. The only person who may not leave before you is Latula, and although she’s perfectly kind, you don’t know her very well. 

You didn’t realize how long you’ve stewed in your thoughts until you hear Aradia ask, “Are you still there?”

“Yeah. You said you wanted to come tonight as opposed to tomorrow. That’s fine.”

“And what about you?” she asks.

You shrug.

“What about me?”

“Are you fine?”

The only person you suck at lying to more than Aradia is your father, and your dad is only leading by a narrow margin. That may be why you signed a HIPPA release so that your treatment team could talk to both of them.

“I had a weird therapy session today. Normally I get along with my therapist, but today I almost wanted to punch him in the face.”

Aradia asks if you’d like to talk about it, and your kneejerk is to say, “hell no”, but during another therapy session a couple of days ago, Dr. Vandayar stressed the importance of not being unwilling to depend on one’s support team. As vaguely annoyed as you still are at him, you did concede the point on Monday afternoon.

“I guess it was because… well… fuck, I don’t know how to explain this without sounding like an asshole. He didn’t actually say anything that wasn’t true, but maybe it was the way he said it? I don’t know. I’m sorry, Ray, I’m rambling all over the fucking place.”

“Don’t worry about it. Go on.”

“He pretty much said that my situation with my parents could have contributed a lot to why I’m all fucked up in the head. Not currently, but like, before, when I was a kid. I was like, where exactly does this guy get off making that kind of judgment? And then I was like, dude, you weren’t there, you didn’t see it, so how do you know? ‘Cause my parents, they did the absolute best they could with what they had. I mean, I didn’t say that to him, but I felt it. And I felt angry at him about it.”

A long silence, one that you feel sink down to the pit of your stomach.

“Well.”

“Well, what?”

“I get that you’re upset, but Sollux, it’s not like this is something you’ve never said to me.”

“But Aradia, that’s different. I was there. So were you, for parts of it. You’ve met my parents a billion times. But aside from a few conversations with you and Baba, Dr. V barely knows anything about my life. For him to say it like that… I don’t like it. I don’t know why, but I don’t.”

“Because it seems like he’s judging people and events he hasn’t had the opportunity to witness first-hand.”

“Yes! Exactly! That’s it!”

It feels like an indictment against your family, and if you are anything to a fault, you are loyal to Mituna and your parents. All of them came together for you, the youngest, the most successful. Even being here, unable to provide for them both emotionally and financially, feels like the worst blow in the world. 

You shouldn’t be here getting the memory zapped out of you in some last-ditch effort to quell your mania and depression. You should be outside working, seeing to the needs of someone besides yourself. You should be meeting Aradia at her apartment every other night, helping her clean out her apartment, which quickly devolves into chaos, ashtrays full of spent cigarette butts, and dishes piling up in the sink, as she scrambles to finish up her master’s thesis.

Because if there’s one thing you’ve learned from your father, it is that you are what you contribute, and being here, seemingly unable to contribute anything, might just be the worst sensation in the world.

You’re alone with yourself here, face to face with everything you hate about yourself, with all your aspirations and all your neuroses, and you hate it, you hate it, you hate it, you want out so badly. But what if they don’t let you leave and you end up at your mother’s worst fear - involuntary status? If four weeks of hospitalization seem like hell, what about sixty days, your fate handed down via court order?

What if that knee-jerk desire to 72 hour letter yourself away from thrice weekly therapy sessions is just another trap? What if you leave and try to slit your throat again? What if you actually succeed this time around? Who the fuck is going to take care of your family?

It all comes down to that.

You’d rather like to bang your head against the wall until you either make things clearer or knock yourself out. 

“I’ll be there tonight, Sollux,” Aradia says, suddenly. Not for the first time, you wonder if she can read your mind and tell when you’re starting to decompensate more than usual.

Aradia gets there long before six o’ clock. In fact, you notice her tell-tale garnet-colored blazer, as you look through the small rectangular window in the door of the main unit, sometime around 5:20. A woman in a small black dress stands not far away from her, and once you notice her carefully coiffed blonde hair, you walk over to the women’s side of the unit and loudly knock on Roxy’s door.

“And what can I do for you?” she asks, removing the headphone radio that has all but been surgically attached to her head. “Do you have news about Aradia’s sexual orientation?”

You roll your eyes at her, more to keep up appearances than an actual rebuke.

“Your mom’s here,” you reply.

Roxy seems to consider this, then picks up her stuffed cat from her bed and pads into the hallway. Calliope waves at you, the light on their side of the room switched on so they can write. You wave back, then follow Roxy back to the main door of the unit, to resume your little vigil.

You stand without word or gesture, a good six feet away from the door so the night staff doesn’t bitch. They seem to have given up on Roxy, who stands only two feet away from the door and jumps up and down as she waves to her mom. Her mom waves back, though in a more sedate fashion than her child. 

You rather like Ms. Lalonde, honestly. It’s hard to dislike a family member who comes so often. According to Roxy, she only misses Mondays for work related reasons. You think the only person who has her beat in terms of visiting is June’s dad, who has yet to miss a day of seeing his daughter, at least during your stay here.

After about ten minutes of furious waving, Roxy starts doing the YMCA with her arms. Her mother actually returns the motions. 

Aradia glances at her, cracks up, and giggles helplessly, which makes you smile.

When they finally start letting visitors in, Aradia steps behind Ms. Lalonde without a word. Aradia signs the book after her, and then Mr. Egbert signs after that.

Maybe he smuggled a whole ass lemon meringue pie onto the unit. You’d probably kiss him if he did that, and you’re pretty sure macking on your friend’s hot dad is frowned upon in most situations.

Aradia walks into the unit, and it’s only a moment before you’ve scooped her up into your arms. You’re so skinny that Karkat calls you a walking skeleton comprised of caffeine and spite, and Aradia has more curves than a parametric equation. You still manage to pick her up so her toes momentarily leave the ground, pull her close, and kiss her forehead before you let her go. 

She interlaces your fingers with hers.

“What table are we sitting at tonight?” she wants to know, gazing at the sea of round wooden tables in the dining room.

“The one by the window, in the corner,” you decide, after a moment’s thought. The chairs are heavy, so they can’t be thrown across the unit by angry patients you suppose, but you pull out your chair and sit down easily enough. It occurs to you that maybe you should have pulled hers out, but she gets the job done. 

You sit right beside her, and before you can think on it, you let her pull you close. Your head on her shoulder, and your arm thrown around her back. It’s not the most comfortable position, but she smells like lilies, cocoa butter, cigarettes, and home. 

You bring to mind all the animal skulls on her shelves, all the volumes of dead poets stacked haphazardly around them. Everything has been arranged to display her fixation on things that have shuffled off this mortal coil, for the exception of the flourishing plants on her terrace. 

Her arms come up around your shoulders, and she scoots over so the position is more comfortable for your lanky ass. She presses a kiss to your temple, and then to the shell of your ear. You smile in spite of yourself.

 It occurs to you that you have not had a self-loathing thought since she arrived.

It’s easier to not hate yourself when someone who would either try to refute or talk you through your issues sits beside you, singing softly.

“Tastes like strawberries on a summer evening. And it sounds just like a song...”

You snort. “I had no idea you were so fond of Harry Styles.”

She stops singing for the moment, but you’ve already started to hum the next part of the song, while she explains where she first heard it.

“My neighbor used to like to sit on her balcony and listen to the radio while I talked to my fig tree. It was on constant replay on Z100. And it’s catchy. So I sang it. A lot.”

You imagine Aradia as she sings, the long dark curls of her hair unpinned the way they usually are when she’s at home, moving along to the music as she waters her plants. It’s a nice mental image, the kind you wouldn’t mind getting lost in.

Here is one way you might safeguard yourself from the impulses and the dorco razor-blades. 

You can’t watch Aradia bustle around her apartment if you’re not alive. You can’t help her, or your dad in their gardens - why do so many of your loved ones have an affinity for plants when you can barely keep a cactus alive - if you’re six feet under.

You also cannot remind her of her own neglected tasks - “Aradia, c’mon, you have to wash these dishes, there’s fuckin’ fruit flies here, I hate fruit flies.” - and then watch as she makes a meal with the newly washed dishes just so that she knows you’ve eaten that day. 

You think she’d give an approving nod to your thoughts.

“Hey, Sollux,” she says. You glance at her face, the anxiety written across it.

That won’t do. You never liked seeing her worried about anything.

“Yeah, Ray? What’s going on?”

“When you get out of here, after all your treatments are finished, I was wondering…”

“Wondering what?”

She exhales slowly. She takes your hand in hers. You let the warmth suffuse through you. 

“Would you like to move in with me? I know you need to be close to your family, but it’s just the F to the 7 train to get to Flushing.”

You consider this. You’ve known Aradia since the sixth grade, and you are now twenty-seven, which adds up to something like sixteen years of friendship. Aradia knows you like nobody else. Not even your father.

She’s handled your weird mood shit and chronic suicidality with more skill than some clinicians you’ve had. In return, you’ve kept her alive - her parents coddled her to a fault, and she had next to no idea how the world outside academia functioned - and helped her through her occasional bouts of clinical depression.

“You’ll take me to Essex Market and get me that bougie vegan cheese?” you ask. 

There are more questions, several in fact, that you need answered before you give her a decision, but you’ll start with the inanities and work your way up to the logistics.

“When have I not?” she replies. 

You snort.

“How much am I going to pay in rent, for one?”

Aradia seems to consider this for a moment.

“For now, nothing, since you’re not working, and I’m already covering my rent with my job,” she says. “But once you get a job, I’d like you to kick something in. Not too much.”

“Where would I even sleep?”

“The couch in the main room is a pullout. And even If you wanted to sleep in my room, I think I have enough space for another bed.”

You think it over, and some traitorous part of your brain bristles at what is essentially charity from her. Her family - comfortably upper middle class - must be helping her with rent. There is no way in hell that she scored a one bedroom near Bowery on her salary as an adjunct professor. You don’t know what they’d think of letting you live there, or maybe you do, and that’s why you’re hesitant to accept this. They’ve come to actually like you, but you’re not eager to test out how far that goes.

She must sense your hesitation. She once more interlaces her fingers with yours, and lets out a small sigh.

“At least think it over, Sollux.”

“You know I will.”

“I think we function better when we’re in the same place than when we’re not.”

You grin. “You know it.”

The other thing that gives you pause consists of your own confusing feelings about her. 

Some days you want to kiss her senseless, peel her out of that red jacket, the black tank top, the long gray skirt. You want to see her, and only her. You want to shed your t-shirt and skinny jeans and have her see you. You want to hold her, press against her, and have her return the gesture. Your longing to be as close to her as humanly possible sweeps over you like a wave, and you have never been known for any particular skill at swimming.

Other days, you just want to sit next to her and make fun of her when she sings Watermelon Sugar. Or like the time she forgot her umbrella at home, a torrential downpour decided to strike and you had to run to the Second Avenue F train station and hope you got there in time to catch her. Still, more recently, the pair of you playing video games and swearing at each other with a giant container of mapo tofu between you. You want the easy rhythm of your close friendship, something familiar, and easy to navigate.

Most of all, you’re afraid. You’re afraid that if you take the plunge and alter the parameters of your relationship, that you’ll lose her entirely if things don’t pan out. And where the hell would you be without her?

[miskatonique]

KATHERINE MCMICHAELS CHEAT SHEET !

since my muses are not super well known in the contemporary rpc ( and i’m too lazy to do a full about page at this very moment ) i decided to put together little posts for them that give their general backgrounds, vibes, and plot possibilities !

this is a mix of canon and headcanon, and these are subject to change / adapt as i get more used to writing the characters

BACKGROUND:

Film: From Beyond, 1986

Dr. Katherine McMichaels, 28, is an extremely ambitious psychiatrist specializing in radical ways of treating patients with schizophrenia. Katherine has been accused of using her patients as a means of reaching her own acclaim rather than sincerely trying to help them. While she always starts with good intentions, it doesn’t take much for Katherine to focus more on the big picture of how this will look on her CV rather than the actual people she’s supposed to be helping. 

A lot of times she’s not in a position to directly see the hurt that her actions cause to her patients, which just allows her to go on to do more hurt to other people without learning anything from her actions.

That’s literally all of the background we get on Katherine in the movie LMAO. She feels very much like one of those women who was undermined all throughout school and has had to craft one of those “don’t fuck with me I’m smarter than you” personas. 

While the hardass persona is partially true, she definitely has a tendency to get emotionally attached to her patients, or at least the narrative that she’s constructed in her head about her patients. We see this when she meets Crawford for the first time at the psych ward and she’s the only person who believes his story about what happened with the Resonator and Dr. Pretorius’ death.

When she, Crawford, and Bubba go back to the Pretorius Foundation to take another look at the Resonator, Katherine is immediately struck with the same hunger for knowledge of the other world that got Pretorius killed in the first place. 

Multiple times Crawford and Bubba have to keep her from diving too deep into the same obsessive, ambitious madness that took Pretorius, and it’s only when Crawford and Bubba are hurt by the creatures that Katherine finally makes an effort to turn away from the Resonator and the unknown knowledge it promises.

VIBES / PERSONALITY:

Halsey vc: If I can’t have love, I want power!! Katherine definitely thrives off being in positions of power, either in relationships, academia, or in her career. She will do just about anything to further her acclaim and doesn’t care how many people she has to step on or throw under the bus to get there

That being said she’s incredibly overworked. You may not always be able to tell because she holds herself so well ( dressed nice, dark circles covered up, seems to have her shit together always ) but she’s learned to survive by busting her ass, staying up all night, surviving on coffee and spite to make ends meet

She expects a lot from the people in her life! Friends, lovers, co-workers, patients, etc! This can make her overly critical of those she cares about, sometimes, but usually it’s coming from a good place. 

PLOT POSSIBILITIES:

Pre-movie I can see her butting heads with people due to the nature and methods of her work. A work rivals thing would be HOT, not gonna lie.

But also give her friends from undergrad / phd..... give her friends from childhood who have grown apart and are trying to understand each other’s lives again and Katherine has to be like “I occasionally make people’s mental health worse so it looks good on my CV” and the other person is like “hey what the fuck”

Post movie! Katherine trying to atone for her past work / the pain she’s caused! She’s also extremely traumatized now too because of what she’s seen from beyond! She might even develop some kind of higher powers of cognition that were unlocked by the Resonator so maybe she’s psychic now and your muse needs a psychic's help with shit! idk!

I think she’s bi but preference for women, so ladies..... come smooch....