#crawford: here is the thing that almost killed me and did kill my mentor

[miskatonique]

KATHERINE MCMICHAELS CHEAT SHEET !

since my muses are not super well known in the contemporary rpc ( and i’m too lazy to do a full about page at this very moment ) i decided to put together little posts for them that give their general backgrounds, vibes, and plot possibilities !

this is a mix of canon and headcanon, and these are subject to change / adapt as i get more used to writing the characters

BACKGROUND:

Film: From Beyond, 1986

Dr. Katherine McMichaels, 28, is an extremely ambitious psychiatrist specializing in radical ways of treating patients with schizophrenia. Katherine has been accused of using her patients as a means of reaching her own acclaim rather than sincerely trying to help them. While she always starts with good intentions, it doesn’t take much for Katherine to focus more on the big picture of how this will look on her CV rather than the actual people she’s supposed to be helping. 

A lot of times she’s not in a position to directly see the hurt that her actions cause to her patients, which just allows her to go on to do more hurt to other people without learning anything from her actions.

That’s literally all of the background we get on Katherine in the movie LMAO. She feels very much like one of those women who was undermined all throughout school and has had to craft one of those “don’t fuck with me I’m smarter than you” personas. 

While the hardass persona is partially true, she definitely has a tendency to get emotionally attached to her patients, or at least the narrative that she’s constructed in her head about her patients. We see this when she meets Crawford for the first time at the psych ward and she’s the only person who believes his story about what happened with the Resonator and Dr. Pretorius’ death.

When she, Crawford, and Bubba go back to the Pretorius Foundation to take another look at the Resonator, Katherine is immediately struck with the same hunger for knowledge of the other world that got Pretorius killed in the first place. 

Multiple times Crawford and Bubba have to keep her from diving too deep into the same obsessive, ambitious madness that took Pretorius, and it’s only when Crawford and Bubba are hurt by the creatures that Katherine finally makes an effort to turn away from the Resonator and the unknown knowledge it promises.

VIBES / PERSONALITY:

Halsey vc: If I can’t have love, I want power!! Katherine definitely thrives off being in positions of power, either in relationships, academia, or in her career. She will do just about anything to further her acclaim and doesn’t care how many people she has to step on or throw under the bus to get there

That being said she’s incredibly overworked. You may not always be able to tell because she holds herself so well ( dressed nice, dark circles covered up, seems to have her shit together always ) but she’s learned to survive by busting her ass, staying up all night, surviving on coffee and spite to make ends meet

She expects a lot from the people in her life! Friends, lovers, co-workers, patients, etc! This can make her overly critical of those she cares about, sometimes, but usually it’s coming from a good place. 

PLOT POSSIBILITIES:

Pre-movie I can see her butting heads with people due to the nature and methods of her work. A work rivals thing would be HOT, not gonna lie.

But also give her friends from undergrad / phd..... give her friends from childhood who have grown apart and are trying to understand each other’s lives again and Katherine has to be like “I occasionally make people’s mental health worse so it looks good on my CV” and the other person is like “hey what the fuck”

Post movie! Katherine trying to atone for her past work / the pain she’s caused! She’s also extremely traumatized now too because of what she’s seen from beyond! She might even develop some kind of higher powers of cognition that were unlocked by the Resonator so maybe she’s psychic now and your muse needs a psychic's help with shit! idk!

I think she’s bi but preference for women, so ladies..... come smooch....

[kimnamjooonz]

Blank Space - Episode 5

Don’t Hurt Yourself

Introducing In This Episode: 

This little shit you may or may not know:

(I heard his name’s Chris Evans, I’m not so sure)

Joe Alwyn, you may know him as the king of Taylor Swift’s heart: 

General awesome human being Emily Blunt:

Magneto aka Michael Fassbender:

Todrick Hall as Lucas Williams:

And Chace Crawford aka Nate from GG:

Songs that inspired this episode:

Don’t hurt yourself - Beyonce 

''When you hurt me, you hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. When you diss me, you diss yourself. Don't hurt yourself.''

Finally, the big day had come. She was finally meeting her cast-mates and she couldn't wait. The mystery will finally be over. ''Are you ready?'' Taylor asked and Morgan nodded. ''Okay, be nice, don't be arrogant but also don't be intimidated by them. Just be normal. Remember that when you get back you'll have to chose an assistant.'' Taylor had sort of improvised a 'casting' to be Morgan's new assistant and the call had got hundreds of applicants. Taylor had chosen only twenty to be interviewed by Morgan herself. ''I'll be here around two. The read through starts at eleven. I doubt they kept us there for more than two hours. We're busy people with tight agendas.'' ''If you're late I'll entertain them, okay?'' Morgan just nodded and left. Twenty minutes later she was arriving at the studio. After getting the indications from the security guard outside she knew exactly where to find Damien and the rest of the cast. When she got to the room she just saw one more person: a tall blond guy that Morgan recognised as Joe Alwyn, of Billy Lynn's fame and known by the locals as the inspiration for many songs in Taylor Swift's latest album, something that Morgan was never in a million years going to mention in front of him. But she was confused. As long as she knew Joe wasn't shortlisted to be her co-star. Or maybe he had got another role. ''Hi!'' he greeted her with a big smile. ''You're Morgan Llewellyn, for two weeks I was looking forward meeting you.'' he shook her hand. ''I had no idea I was meeting you but I'm glad I'm doing it. You were brilliant in Billy Lynn's.'' ''And you in Macbeth.'' Morgan looked at him with a questioning look. ''Yes, I saw the play two years ago. I had no idea you were Lady Macbeth until I saw it in your IMDB profile and then I remembered that I had seen you before.'' ''I'm glad you liked it. I enjoyed being in there, that's for sure.'' she stopped talking and looked at him. ''Do you know the rest of the cast?'' He shook his head. ''I just knew that you were in it. By the way, I'm not your love interest, I'm your brother.'' She found that awesome. Snogging Taylor bloody Swift's boyfriend in front of the camera for everyone to see wasn't something she was looking forward. ''So, you're Simon Hathaway.'' she grabbed the iPad from her bag and skimmed some of the script. She had read it all, that was why she knew she had a fair share of kissing scenes with whoever that was her co-star. ''Indeed. I auditioned for the lead role but apparently Timothee Chalamet was better.'' Morgan's interest sparkled even more if that was possible. ''So is it finally Timothee?'' ''That's what everyone's saying. But you never know. Expect the unexpected. At the end of the day even Ryan Gosling can show up.'' ''Bloody hell'' she squealed. ''Or Reynolds'' ''I met Ryan Reynolds once and I stared at him for half an hour...'' he laughed. They were giggling for a whole minute until the door opened again and both of them almost broke their necks because of turning so fast towards the door. Morgan almost had an stroke when she saw Michael Fassbender walking in. But she dissimulated her reaction under a face of simply curiosity. Joe mumbled 'Magneto'. Luckily Michael didn't hear that. He simply smiled at them both. ''So, Joe Alwyn and Morgan Llewellyn, this is getting interesting. I knew that Damien was not going to disappoint me.'' He shook their hands. Morgan was in cloud nine, she couldn't believe she was shaking hands with THE Michael Fassbender. ''Nice to meet you'' Morgan and Joe said at the same time, laughing about it then. ''So...'' he looked at Joe. ''Are you Morgan's mysterious co-star?'' ''No. I'm just her brother.'' ''So you aren't either'' said Morgan looking at Michael. ''No. I'm your mentor. Phillip Monaghan, at your service.'' Morgan was even more curious about her co-star. Who the hell was he? Joe told her to expect the unexpected. Well, maybe she was getting Tom Hiddleston or Chris Evans. Morgan stopped thinking before she hyperventilated. ''So, we still have to find who is Elena Fitzgerald, the good girl that everyone is going to hate and Alexander, my co-star. Do you know who may that be?'' she asked Michael. ''No idea. I heard that Spiderman was playing Alexander. He looks fifteen, I don't see him as your love interest. I was betting all my money for Stan but then I heard that he was filming in Greece.'' That took Morgan by surprise. She hadn't heard about Sebastian in weeks, since that drama night. And then she had landed the lead role in a movie so she had started to see him in a different way: as a potential co-star not as a celebrity crush. But she had no idea that he had been filming in Greece, like the Greek God he was. ''He finished with that'' said Joe out of nowhere. ''A couple of days ago, I saw it on his Instagram.'' Now Morgan was more confused than ever. Could someone tell her once and for all who the hell was the guy she'll have to snog several times during the next two months? Suddenly the door opened again. ''Am I late?'' a woman asked. Morgan looked at the door only to find Emily Freaking Blunt right there. It was hard for her not to fangirl. ''No. You're one minute early'' said Morgan with a big smile. ''Hi, I'm Morgan Llewellyn.'' ''I'm Emily Blunt. I really wanted to meet you. Apparently everyone is talking about you these days.'' Morgan did her best to look humble and not proud of herself. ''I'm still not used to'' she shrugged her shoulders in a very convincing way. At exactly eleven o'clock Damien Chazelle turned up. Everyone was very attentive. ''I think I have...'' he looked at the room. ''...almost everyone. Where the hell is my Alexander?'' ''Late.'' said Morgan rolling her eyes. ''But maybe for a couple of minutes.'' Damien seemed to agree with her and relaxed. They remained in silence for the longest ten minutes of Morgan's life. No one dared to say a thing. Damien looked ready to snap. ''I'm going to call this idiot'' he stood up and left. ''Do you think something happened to him?'' asked a worried Emily. ''Whoever we're talking about.'' All of them shrugged their shoulders. Joe was scrolling through Instagram to see if it was any sort of information about anything. And he found it. ''Guys... we can discard Timothee. He just posted a picture of himself relaxing at Central Park with his dog. No one would be this calm if he's running late to a read through.'' Everyone agreed with Joe. ''I know Tom.'' said Emily. ''He may look silly but he's really serious and responsible. It's been twenty minutes already.'' After a while Damien was back, looking tense. ''He's not answering or reading his texts. I'm starting to worry.'' ''It's been just half an hour.'' said Joe. ''Maybe he's stuck in a traffic jam. You know, we're in New York. This kind of stuff happens.'' ''Or he's stuck inside an elevator'' Morgan was using all the logic she had. ''It's also possible.'' ''Or locked inside the bathroom at Starbucks'' Michael said. ''Or maybe he's not back from Greece yet'' said Emily, clearly believing that Sebastian Stan was their cast mate. Apparently everyone but Morgan knew about Sebastian filming in Greece. Which was weird because she was the only person in that room who had been his avid fan. ''Maybe he got lost into the Minotaur's Labyrinth'' Joe was clearly joking with that one, mentioning mythology and everything. ''That's in Crete not in Athens'' Morgan thought out loud. ''Maybe he tried to climb Mount Olympus and Zeus stroke him down with a lightning.'' Emily and Michael glanced at each other. There was no way that Morgan and Joe were being serious. After all, they were just kids. God forbid that Tom Holland had got the lead role because the immaturity was not going to be contained. And Sebastian Stan was no better. He may be 36 but he didn't act his age and was as silly as Joe and Morgan, if not more. When Damien got back in the room Morgan and Joe immediately stopped giggling. ''Okay, he left me on read, can you believe it?'' he looked really pissed. ''So, he ghosted you!'' yelled Morgan, very spontaneously. ''Exactly!'' he looked at the four of them as if they were the only people with common sense left in this world. He left again, muttering some bitter thoughts. Morgan completely understood him. She may have been joking with Joe for the last ten minutes but she was starting to get really pissed. Who was this disrespectful piece of trash that apparently didn't care at all about his co-stars and their timetables? And ghosting the director was just stupid at its best. What the hell was wrong with him? ''At least we know he's not dead.'' said Morgan. ''He had enough energy to leave Damien on read. A person who's lying dead at the side of a desert road can't do that.'' Everyone agreed with her. But also all of them wanted to kill him and leave his body on an empty road. ''It's been an hour'' said Emily, getting impatient. ''This is not proper either from Tom or Sebastian. I don't know Sebastian personally but both Margot Robbie and Alison Janney told me that he was just the most professional and nicest guy you could ever meet. Trustworthy to the core.'' That was what Morgan knew. She had been a fan of his not only for his looks but because he seemed to be a genuinely nice person, always attentive with his fans, giving good advice and being a sunshine. He was a really special celebrity, one that cherished every single good thing that happened to him an never took anything for granted. It was unlike him to make his colleagues wait for more than an hour and ignore the director. ''Maybe he's going through a rough time for some reason'' Michael guessed. ''Or maybe it's not Sebastian'' said a thoughtful Morgan. ''We're probably getting his name into this and he probably has no idea.'' It seemed a reasonable explanation and everyone seemed to agree with it. ''Do someone has any kind of embarrassing anecdote to tell so we can pass the time?'' asked Michael after a pause of ten minutes. It was clear that the question was directed at Morgan and Joe, who were the younger ones, and the chances of them going through embarrassing stuff was high. ''I auditioned for Spiderman'' blurted out Joe. ''What?!'' Morgan was really surprised. She had heard of many people that had auditioned for that movie, even some famous and insufferable Youtubers. But she had never heard about Joe Alwyn. ''I don't need to say that I didn't get the role. Anyway, Tom Holland's flawless in it. 'I don't wanna go Mr. Stark...' ugh, it got me in my feelings.'' Morgan didn't say anything but she agreed with him. She had cried with that goddamned scene in Infinity War. ''That was not embarrassing but  it counts'' said Michael, who was apparently the judge. ''And you Morgan?'' As if running a Sebastian Stan thirst account wasn't embarrassing enough, thought Morgan. And it was even worse to spend a whole night listening to Beyonce songs and planning revenge after learning that he had a girlfriend. No, that wasn't embarrassing. That was absolutely pathetic. And there was no way in hell that Joe Alwyn, Michael Fassbender and Emily Blunt were going to know about it. ''Well... I auditioned for Game of Thrones.'' she follow on Joe's example and shared an story about a failed audition. ''Really?'' three different voices asked. ''Yeah. I auditioned for Arya and Sansa. I was sixteen when I auditioned and even though they liked my acting I got rejected because I didn't look like the characters. I was too tall to be Arya and they needed someone more naive looking to be Sansa. I was told that I was too 'husky'. ''Husky?'' asked Emily, a bit lost. ''Yeah, I was compared to a dog. But they were right The expression I had on my eyes was really violent. After that I spent more than a month walking around my house with a mask trying different expressions only with the eyes. I drove my mum crazy but I mastered the technique.'' And it was true. Everyone in the media was mentioning Morgan Llewellyn's big, dark blue and expressive eyes. ''Woah, it's true that if someone look at your eyes at a certain angle and with the right lights, they look kinda purplish.'' said Michael. They were five minutes examining Morgan's eyes from different perspectives. And the asshole of their co-star was still missing. When they were waiting for an hour and twenty minutes they were starting to freak out. Michael was the only one who was trying to control de situation. ''We are actors. We know everything about techniques to relax.'' And they genuinely tried. At least for five minutes. ''To hell with this.'' said Joe, standing up. ''I can't relax. I'm going to Starbucks and drown with caffeine. Someone wants anything from there?'' ''No. But I'll go with you.'' Morgan really wanted some fresh air to cool down her head and not thinking about killing her co-star in cold blood. ''This idiot ruined everything'' complained Joe when they were on the way to Starbucks. ''I had my day planned. I had promised my girlfriend to spend the day with her. She's never at home as she is in a World Tour. We had one free day to be together but... this unnamed idiot ruined it.'' Morgan nodded after Joe's little rant. ''And I had to choose a personal assistant and now I'll certainly be late. I swear, that if he appears, he's getting a piece of my mind.'' Of that Morgan was sure. She was going to give a reality check to her co-star, no matter if he was Sebastian Stan, Tom Holland or anyone else. ''I'm not confrontational...'' Joe admitted. ''...but I'll stand by you, nodding. Is that okay?'' ''Yeah, I can take that''. They didn't waste my time choosing beverages. Michael and Emily had asked them to bring just capuccinos. Joe left with a pink frapuccino. And Morgan with three cups. ''Why do you need so much coffee?'' Joe asked her, a bit impressed and wondering if she was not going to blow up between the caffeine and the anger she had. ''I'm drinking only this two'' she pointed at two simple lattes. ''This is for out co-star.'' Joe grabbed the drink from Morgan's hands. ''Pumpkin Spiced Latte with two pumps of caramel...Gosh, you want to kill him, this is disgusting.'' ''Well, some people drink this thing for real.'' When they got back to the room Emily and Michael were still there, looking grim. Of course there was no sign of that idiot. An hour and a half late. He should be fired from the production. ''Nothing?'' asked Joe, giving Emily and Michael the capuccinos. ''Only Damien looking like crazy. And I don't blame him, poor thing. It's not his fault.'' said Emily. Michael was glancing at Morgan's extra drink. ''Llewellyn, if you bought that disgusting thing for our co-star, let me tell you that you are brilliant.'' Morgan didn't say anything and just smiled. And time went on and on. They had all finish their drinks (Morgan the two of cups) and the idiot was still missing. They were starting to wonder if he was going to show up at all. ''I just, cannot take it anymore.'' Morgan stood up from the chair and started pacing the room. The caffeine was making its effect and she was ready to blow up. ''I cannot believe it. An hour and forty five minutes. I'm talking to Damien right now and he's telling me the name of that disgraceful piece of shit. And I swear that if I have to run through the whole of New York searching for him, I'll do it and then I'll bring him by the hair if I have to.'' Morgan was in the middle of her rant when the door opened again. She had always thought that her first encounter with Sebastian Stan would be something straight out of a fairytale or a romance movie. But in real life things worked quite different than in her wild fantasies. When she saw Sebastian Stan walking through that door she just wanted to punch him in the face for making them wait for an hour and forty five minutes. They looked at each other's eyes for five seconds before Sebastian looked somewhere else. Looking at Morgan Llewellyn's dark blue eyes had the same effect as looking at a Basilisk. He just wanted to run as far from this woman as possible. In ten seconds she had scared the hell out of him. ''Where the hell were you?'' she hissed. Sebastian looked at his cast mates. All of them had hostile expressions but not as angry as Morgan. Morgan was trying to calm down a bit. Maybe he had had a problem and couldn't make it on time. He was human, those things happened. But if that was the case he'd had told Damien about it instead of ignoring him. Damn, her fangirl feelings were getting the best of her and she was trying to justify Sebastian when he probably had no justification. She was wishing for everyone's sakes that he had some decent excuse. Sebastian knew it was his fault but Morgan Llewellyn's demanding tone wasn't making things easier. He wondered if she was that irritating on a daily basis or if it was just because she was pissed. ''Sorry, sorry'' he lifted his hands on the air. ''I just couldn't make it on time. I'm so sorry.'' he looked at all his cast mates. By the way they were looking at him, they were demanding an explanation. ''I was on a date an I ran late'' he lied and immediately regretted it. But the damage was done. Emily's face was stony, Michael looked ready to snap, Joe had a really brooding expression but it was Morgan the one that looked absolutely livid. So, there was the explanation. And it made Morgan the angriest she had felt in weeks, maybe since that drama night and now she had the chance of set the record straight. ''That was the excuse of the century'' she said with sarcasm, without a hint of intimidation. ''So, your date was more important than being respectful to four people, without counting Damien, who you ignored. But, of course, your date was more important and we had to just suck it and wait. Emily has kids, Joe has a girlfriend who's in town only for a day, Michael and I have pretty tight agendas.'' Sebastian wanted to say something but she didn't let him. ''We've been nice enough to get you coffee! It's still there but it's probably cold.'' she hissed the last words and then she calmly sat down again. Joe had been nodding the whole time, Emily was looking at Morgan with admiration and Michael seemed to be a bit entertained. ''Pumpkin Spice Latte?'' even though Sebastian wanted to send Morgan Llewellyn to Pluto at that moment, he had to admire her wicked sense of humour. Everyone knew that only basic people liked that drink. ''Are you allergic?'' she asked with no emotion in her voice. ''No.'' he didn't know what to say. Morgan had left him completely numb. In their battle of power Morgan was not only winning but she was toying with him. ''So you drink it'' she hissed. Sebastian could notice a venomous spark in her eyes. Michael couldn't keep it together anymore. So, Morgan had made sure that Sebastian was not going to die with the beverage and then had made him drink it. A million of thoughts were running through his head, all of them concerning his co-star. He had no absolute idea how he was going to do to work with her for the next three months. He had to act as her freaking love interest, pretending to be in love with her. He'll need his best acting abilities to make that believable and for what he could see, Morgan too. Someone give them an Oscar already. ''Finally, you're here'' Damien looked at Sebastian with a hard expression, but he shook it off in a moment. ''At least you're alive. And I have my Alexander and my Meredith. You look perfect together, you'll set the screen on fire.'' It was undeniable that Sebastian and Morgan were incredibly attractive people. But by their faces, 'Alexander' and 'Meredith' were whatever but couple goals. Sebastian could swear that he could feel the negative vibes towards him that she was producing. The other three had apparently stopped being hostile towards him because they were having so much fun with his and Morgan's silent show. This next months were going to be a war. It was the most awkward read-through any of them had ever had. Everyone was exhausted and irritable, especially Morgan and Sebastian. In Morgan's opinion, he had absolutely nothing to complain. This situation had been his fault. Damien insisted for more than an hour before giving up and letting them go. ''Before we start shooting, there's a couple of scenes I want to rehearse. We're doing this tomorrow. And if you...'' he pointed at Sebastian. ''...do something like what you did today one more time, you're out and I'm bringing Ryan Gosling. Understood?'' ''Yes.'' Morgan didn't say anything but Sebastian could see a contented look in her eyes. Before he could even notice, Morgan had said goodbye to everybody (except him, of course) and was running towards the exit. He wondered how could someone run that fast with heels that high. Emily and Joe said goodbye to him in a cold tone before leaving. Only Michael seemed to have enough pity for him. ''Why did she react like this?'' Sebastian asked him. They both knew who he was talking about. Honestly, Michael had no idea. But he knew that Morgan liked drama and exaggerating stories. ''She had an audition'' he blatantly lied. ''I think she missed it. That's why she was so upset, you can't blame her.'' Sebastian felt a bit guilty. Only his wounded pride didn't let him feel as sad for her as he would normally feel. After saying goodbye to Michael he texted his friend Chace to meet. After the hellish day he was having he needed to talk to someone.

Morgan got back to her apartment half an hour later with a somber mood. Taylor didn't ask what had happened and why she was late because they had other things to worry about: there were twenty people there waiting to be interviewed by her and become her new personal assistant. She wanted to get over it really quickly so she tried to keep the interviews short because her patience was running really low. She blamed Sebastian Stan for this. After 19 applicants, none of them convinced her. She had dismissed them all with a nice smile and an 'We'll call you back if there's any news'. ''You only have one more to go. If you don't like him, I'll call new applicants tomorrow.'' Taylor softly said, knowing that Morgan's mood wasn't the best. Taylor called the latest applicant, a young man, who looked really shy. He reminded her of Todrick Hall, that amazing Broadway performer Morgan loved.   ''Hi!'' she greeted him with a smile. She didn't know why but he had improved her mood a little. At least she had smiled for the first time in hours. ''Hello, Miss Llewellyn, I'm Lucas.'' he said, nervously. He felt as if he was doing an audition for America's Got Talent. But Morgan seemed nicer than Simon Cowell. ''So... Lucas...'' she followed the process she had had with the other 19 applicants. ''Tell me a little bit about yourself. Where are you from... How old are you... anything you want to tell me.'' He was more nervous than ever. He had never had job interviews to be the personal assistant of a celebrity. ''I'm Lucas  I'm 21, from Harlem. I want to be a filmmaker, I got in the NYU and I work at McDonalds and Taco Bell so I can pay it. And... that's my story.'' Interesting. So, he was someone with big dreams an ambitions, the kind of people Morgan valued. ''So, you'll be a filmmaker. That's great.'' ''I wish I can dedicate myself totally to this, because I love it. But... I'll just need more hours in the day'' he shyly smiled. He knew that it by some miracle he got the job with Morgan he'd be as busy as before but much better paid and he'll have a better boss than those exploiters from the food chains. ''I understand. Before landing this role I was more or less in your situation, without actually getting into a drama school yet''. It was weird for her to talk about this. All those experiences were like a past life for her. ''You really want this job, don't you? Morgan wasn't asking, she was making an statement. ''I think it's a much better option than McDonalds or Taco Bell. To be honest, Miss Llewellyn, I have nothing to lose and a lot to win. I don't have experience at being an assistant but I learn fast and for sure, I'll give my all to this job.'' Morgan didn't need much persuasion. She knew perfectly well that it was Lucas the one she wanted as her assistant as she had connected with him. More than an assistant she wanted someone she could be friends with. ''Okay,'' when Morgan started speaking Lucas was sure that she was going to dismiss him and he'll never hear from her again. ''...what you'll have to do as soon as possible is send McDonalds and Taco Bell to hell. You're probably underpaid and miserable there and you deserve better. You start tomorrow at eight as we'll have to be at the studio at nine.'' Lucas couldn't believe his own ears. He thought he was just confused or he had misunderstood Morgan's words. ''I'm sorry, Miss Llewellyn, but I don't understand.'' ''Oh, sorry. I wanted to say this all day... Lucas Williams, you're hired.'' He wanted to do a celebratory dance. Never in a million years he could have imagined getting this job. It was a dream. He was going to work with Morgan Llewellyn, the newcomer that everyone was talking about and for sure she was quickly becoming an A-List celebrity. If she wasn't already. He couldn't wait for getting home and telling his parents and siblings about this. ''Thank you so much, Miss Llewellyn. This means a lot to me. I'm not going to disappoint you, I swear. I'll give my everything.'' ''First of all, call me Morgan. Apart from that, I won't be your boss. We'll work together, as a team. I have a feeling that it'd be great. You have to promise me that in the in the future you'd cast me in your films.'' ''That's be a honour'' Lucas still couldn't believe that this was happening to him. ''Lucas, if you need help with any NYU project, just ask me. You know that I work with Damien Chazelle, Michael Fassbender, Joe Alwyn and Emily Blunt...'' she purposely eliminated Sebastian from the list. ''...and I'm sure that if you need advice of any kind, they'll be helpful.'' Lucas was in shock. The fact that he was going to meet an Oscar winner director was about to make him cry. ''I... Morgan, I'm really thankful for this opportunity.'' he had the brightest smile on his face. ''By the way, what are your favourite types of coffee?'' ''Cold Brew when it's hot...'' Lucas was typing all of this in his phone. ''...and Latte when it's cold. A simple one. Under no circumstances Pumpkin Spice.''

''So, Damien Chazelle called you out?'' was the first thing Chace asked Sebastian once had finished with the tale of his long day. He had avoided to mention Morgan Llewellyn. He refused to do that. He had had enough of that irritable woman only with the hour they had spent together and he didn't want to think in the three months with her company that lay ahead of him. And he knew that it was a matter of time before Chace mentioned her. ''And it wasn't the worst part of the day.'' They were both sitting in table near a window in a random Starbucks. It was a miracle that any of them had been recognized by eager fans yet. Although, it'd be a relief for Sebastian to meet one of his fans after his experience with Morgan. ''Yeah, your cast mates probably wanted to exterminate you.'' by some reason Chace was finding this situation funny. ''Honestly, man, I don't know why you lied. If you'd told them that you were going through a mental breakdown, they would have understood and no one would have called you out, not even Damien. Talking about cast mates, did you finally meet Morgan Llewellyn?'' And there was the question Sebastian didn't want to answer. ''I did and she's... a nightmare. She shouted at me for quite a while and I'm pretty sure she hates me now.'' This time Chace laughed in front of his face. ''I can't imagine why'' he said with sarcasm. As much as he loved his friend, Chace was of the opinion that Sebastian had got into this mess by himself. ''But she probably doesn't hate you, she was just mad at you for being an irresponsible liar. And yesterday she wasn't a nightmare when you were drooling over her Instagram pictures and you said you couldn't wait to work with her. And you have a girlfriend, that's wild.'' ''That was before meeting her in person'' Sebastian cheeks were a bit red. ''She's drawn all of my energy.'' Chase looked at him with a side smile. Yeah, maybe Sebastian's pride was a bit wounded but there was another reason why she had drawn his energy and probably Morgan was unaware of it. ''Tell me one thing and be honest. Is she as pretty as in the pictures?'' ''Pictures don't do her justice. She's absolutely stunning, even when she was shouting at me. She's a real daydream but her personality is just... explosive.'' ''A nightmare dressed like a daydream'' Chace mumbled with dreamy tone. ''Are you quoting Taylor Swift now? Please, Chase shut up.'' but it was Sebastian turn to talk. And once he started with the Morgan topic he was not going to stop. ''But, who is she? She showed up out of nowhere. Two weeks ago no one knew who she was and now she's everywhere. How did she do it?'' ''Have you checked her IMBD profile?'' Sebastian just shook his head. ''Let me do it...'' Chace just spent a couple of seconds typing something on his laptop. ''Here we have her. Name: Morgan Llewellyn. Birth Name: Not Specified... well, that's weird. She goes by her stage name but we can't know her real name.'' Sebastian was starting to imagine that Morgan was some alien sent from Saturn on the body of a beautiful woman. Or maybe everyone in Saturn were as beautiful as Morgan. ''Date of birth: 13 of December, 1992...Born in Caernarfon, Wales...  blah, blah, blah... she's mostly an stage actress. Shakespearean. Worked with Ian McKellen, member of the Royal Shakespeare Society, started studying drama at age 12 at the Royal Cardiff College of Music and Drama, starred in many plays at the Globe Theatre since she was 16. That's pretty much her.'' ''I went to the Globe Theatre too.'' he mumbled. ''Yeah, when you were at college'' Chace corrected him. ''Morgan was there at sixteen, when she was probably still in high school.'' ''I have more than forty acting credits.'' he defended himself, as if this was some sort of competition between him and Morgan. ''Yeah, but Morgan is ten years younger than you and she has booked her first lead role in an important production. When she eventually reaches your age, she'll double your credits.'' ''Whose side are you on?'' Sebastian angrily asked. Apparently Chace was the latest one to jump on the Morgan Llewellyn Support Group. ''I'm just stating facts. By the way, what were you doing at her age? The Covenant?'' ''We were doing The Covenant. Both of us. It wasn't just me who was into that mess.'' no matter how many years passed he was always going to be reminded of doing that movie. He wished that Morgan never learned about that. ''Okay, you won this round. But it's fun to roast you.'' He didn't say anything because he was too busy Googling Caernarfon in Wales. The place Morgan was born. Or created. Maybe she was a scientific experiment created to make his life miserable. Or she was brought out of a cauldron by some witches. She had, for sure, a witch name. ''What a pretty place'' he was looking at the pictures of the town. A cute coastal village with a mediaeval castle. ''I can't believe that this fairytale town produced the spawn of the devil.'' Chace knew why Sebastian was bothered by this situation and it wasn't Morgan's fault at all. He knew Sebastian too well not to notice that he fancied her. And Morgan had called him out and shouted at him. And he had a girlfriend. No wonder he had had a mental breakdown that very same morning. And that was before meeting her in person and realising she wasn't the nice and gentle woman he was expecting but a hard headed explosive nightmare. And he still had more than three months in her company. Poor Sebastian. ''Don't look at me like that, Chase.'' Sebastian was a bit bothered of Chase's judging expression. ''You know that my relationship history is basically trash. And you don't have to worry, I don't fancy Morgan anymore. Happy?'' Of course that Chase didn't believe him. ''I thought that finally you had met a nice girl, who's not an actress, and you were pretty excited of getting to know her better. But now, apparently, you want to go back to your old habits but this time not with a B-list actress from a TV show but with Morgan Llewellyn, who's everywhere, has a brilliant career ahead of her, she'll be covering Vogue in the next months and she'll be the Taylor Swift of the acting industry. You're dead.'' Sebastian thought that Chase was just overreacting. Yes, he had thought that Morgan was attractive but nothing else apart from that. Now, he didn't know if he even liked her. ''I'm not dead.'' he confessed. ''I'm pretty much alive. Believe me when I tell you that I want nothing to do with Morgan apart from acting with her.'' Chase knew this wasn't his business but he just hoped that he meant what he had just said. ''Are her eyes really purple?'' he asked, a couple of minutes later when he was reading a Vogue article he had just found that talked about Morgan Llewellyn's 'impressive purple eyes.' ''No. They're just really dark blue.'' he remembered the sensation of looking at those eyes. It was like looking at Medusa, who turned you to stone when you looked at her eyes. ''But it'd make sense if she had purple eyes. That'd confirm my theory that she's the reincarnation of Thanos.'' Both of them laughed with that.

[avegetariancannibal]

“Pampered Chef”

Some Hannibal AU crack commissioned for @nephila-clavipes from @avidreadr2004

Will waited in Jack Crawford's office, wishing he were anywhere else. He'd canceled a perfectly boring lecture to hear about whatever new case had come up. Worst of all, Brian Zeller was waiting with him and showing him prank videos on his phone.

"Watch---this guy's about to get scared by a donkey in his house---wait for it---"

"You just gave away the surprise," Will said. "There's no incentive to keep watching now."

Brian looked taken aback. "Dude, there's a donkey!"

Finally, Jack showed up with Alana Bloom in tow. She saw Brian and gave Will an apologetic look.

"I believe a new serial killer is in town," Jack said as he sat down. "Three suspicious deaths in Roland Park. Many of their organs---heart, kidneys---were taken."

Brian whistled. "Nice neighborhood."

"That's what caught your attention?" Will asked.

Brian blinked at him. "What?"

"I want Will and Brian to pose as husbands," Jack said. "Get to know the neighbors, feel around to see if anyone seems suspicious."

"Wouldn't it make more sense for Beverly Katz to pose as my spouse?" Will asked.

Brian huffed. "Don't be so heteronormative, Will."

Will rolled his eyes. "I don't care that you're a man. I care that I can't stand you. Everyone will know we're not really married."

"Actually," Alana started, "all the victims so far have been in unhappy marriages."

Brian batted his lashes at Will in exaggerated fashion. "I can't wait to be unhappily married to you, dear."

***

Their introduction to Roland Park would come in the form of a Pampered Chef party hosted by Alana's friend and former mentor who lived in the neighborhood. Hannibal Lecter had been a surgeon, then a psychiatrist, and now sold kitchen gadgets to well-off suburbanites. He was also incredibly handsome. Will was rendered a little awkward by just how handsome he was.

"Pleased to meet you," Hannibal said. Brian thrust his hand out, but Hannibal was returning Will's stare intently. Will blinked and glanced away. "Not fond of eye contact, are you?"

Will was about to make some excuse when Alana interrupted to explain their roles for the evening.

"You two are Hannibal's friends who are thinking about buying the house next door," Alana said. "That way, nobody will think it's odd for you to be asking questions, even slightly nosy ones. Hannibal, you just go about whatever you normally do as host, and give Will any background on the guests he needs."

Hannibal rubbed his hands together. "Exciting to be peeking behind the curtain. I've always been curious how the FBI goes about its business when it's not kicking in doors."

Will would've liked to stick closer to Hannibal, but the guests started arriving. He adjusted his glasses and steeled himself for the socializing that would be required of him.

***

Everyone seemed like a potential murderer.

There was Bedelia Du Maurier who seemed to take almost fiendish delight in flattening a Cornish game hen between two polypropylene cutting boards. (A steal at $19 each!) There was Tobias Budge who kept making orchestra references that somehow weirdly sounded like jokes about gutting people. There was an old colleague of Hannibal's named Abel Gideon who kept asking which Pampered Chef tools could be used to kill his family, and instead of being horrified, everyone laughed!

Perhaps the real mystery, though, was why all these obviously wealthy people came on a regular basis to an obviously even wealthier man's house to buy microwave popcorn bowls and plastic herb choppers.

"Are these things even any good?" Will wondered aloud as he picked up an apple wedger.

A woman dressed like a flapper laughed. "I haven't the faintest idea, my dear! I just keep buying them so Hannibal keeps inviting me to his feasts!"

While everyone nibbled on canapes, Hannibal took Will aside. "Anyone seem suspicious yet?"

"Just about everyone," Will admitted. "Well, not the flapper lady. She just seems eccentric."

"Mrs. Komeda knows everything about everyone," Hannibal said. "You should talk to her. She has her teeth into the entire neighborhood. So, are you married in real life?"

Will was taken off guard by the sudden change in topic. "Uh... no. That's just for the undercover thing." He glanced around to make sure nobody was nearby. "I would never be married to Brian in real life."

Hannibal leaned in closer. "Because he's a man?"

"Because I can't stand him," Will whispered back.

Hannibal seemed to think about that for a while, but then before he could respond, Mrs. Komeda came swooping in and took him by the arm.

"Darling, what about the cooking demo you've been promising us?" she asked, her tone playfully scolding.

Hannibal nodded towards Will. "If you'll excuse me, perhaps we could continue this chat later?"

Will nodded with enthusiasm. "Of course!"

Hannibal led everyone into his expansive kitchen and began pulling out pieces from what he swore was the best six-piece, non-stick cookware set money could buy.

"Can you still get a good sear with it?" one of the guests asked. "I have a non-stick pan at home and the meat always comes out gray."

"The trick is to ensure the pan is thoroughly heated before placing the meat," Hannibal said. He rolled up his sleeves, exposing lean but well-muscled forearms. "Allow me to demonstrate---Oh, but first! I want to thank everyone for coming to last month's Pampered Chef party. Thanks to your purchases, I was awarded a new ice cream sandwich maker, which I will be demonstrating later for dessert."

Polite applause and cheers of congratulations went up among the gathering.

Hannibal bowed graciously. "Now, back to the meat!"

Brian sidled up to Will and leaned in to whisper something. "Alana's buddy there is our killer."

Will glared at him. "And here I thought I couldn't possibly dislike you more. Why would you even say that?"

"Just watch, would you?" Brian said, and nodded toward the kitchen island.

As everyone watched, Hannibal whipped out a santoku knife, a frying pan... and something that sure as hell looked like a human heart.

Will sighed. "Damn it."

***

He waited until everyone had left the party before confronting Hannibal in the kitchen.

"Oh, Will!" Hannibal beamed at him. "I'm glad you stayed. I was hoping we'd get a chance to resume our conversation. Where's Brian?"

"Outside calling the police," Will said.

"Does that mean you've found your culprit?" Hannibal asked.

Will ignored the question. "You know what's messed up? I was almost more upset at the idea of Brian being right, than at Alana's hot friend for being a murderer."

Hannibal reached for a knife just as Will reached for his gun.

Hannibal held up his hands. "I was just going to wash it---wait. Am I the hot friend in question? You think I'm hot?"

Will scoffed. "You know you're hot! Don't act shy and don't act like you're not a murderer!"

Behind him, a woman shrieked---not in fear, but in obvious, incandescent rage. "How dare you! How dare you!"

He glanced back just in time to see Mrs. Komeda leap at him like a well-dressed spider monkey, her face a mask of perfect fury. She tackled him to the ground. Suddenly there was a tomato knife in her hand, its economical blade glinting in the light. Will threw her off.

She rolled away but bounced back into a fighting crouch. Her eyes narrowed into hateful slits. "I will not let you take Hannibal's feasts away from me! I did away with all the others who tried to get the Home Owner's Association to shut down his Pampered Chef parties! Too 'low class' for the neighborhood, they said. They were jealous of his cooking!"

It was a lot to process. The FBI had thought an unhappy marriage was the link, but perhaps such a thing was just so damned common that all her victims shared that trait.

"Mrs. Komeda, put the tomato knife down," Hannibal said. "You're bringing shame to the good name of Pampered Chef."

She screamed again and lunged towards Will.

Hannibal, in a move as graceful as it was athletic, vaulted over the kitchen island and landed between Mrs. Komeda and Will. He caught her by the hand and flicked the knife out of her grasp. In an instant, he had whipped off his apron and used it to tie her wrists together. Will had never seen anything sexier in his whole damned life.

Just then, Jack Crawford barged into the kitchen, gun at the ready. "Hannibal Lecter, you're under arr---"

"Jack, it's not him," Will said. "It's the flapper."

Jack paused without lowering his gun. He looked back and forth between Mrs. Komeda and Hannibal, then at Will. "What in the hell?"

Mrs. Komeda burst into tears. "I-I just wanted... I just wanted h-his c-cooking!" The words were nearly lost in her uncontrollable sobs.

Will watched as Jack replaced the apron with handcuffs and led a still-weeping Mrs. Komeda out to a patrol car. There was still the question of how Hannibal, a former surgeon, wouldn't have recognized human organs when Mrs. Komeda presented them to him. He might've been in on it. He was probably in on it. Will couldn't delude himself otherwise. He made up his mind to tell Jack about it.

Hannibal came up beside him. "You never answered me, you know. You think I'm hot?"

Will blinked and turned to look up at him. He found bourbon-colored eyes gazing back at him from under a fringe of fight-tousled hair. He smiled against his better judgment. "Yeah," he said. "I think you're hot."

He could always tell Jack later.

(end)

[kat-lockhart]

On the Eve of Battle: Foreseeing Failure

[The following is a short tale from the enemy’s perspective and takes place prior to the finale of ‘the Brothers’ storyline.]

Valentine’s knuckles were bruised and near bloody, but still she pounded on the chamber door.

“I must speak to Colton!” She called out.

Just like her hands, her voice was damaged, abused by the hours she spent trying to earn her mentor’s notice.

“Please!”

Two nights prior, she had been in an argument with both Daniels brothers. Crawford was hellbent on killing Bravard for the treachery of the Lockhart girl and the demons with which Lord Carrington cavorted. Colton was distraught and dwindling. Crawford had kept the Andersons’ crimes from the elder brother and had instructed everyone else to keep quiet. It tore Colton apart to know Kat was touched by others, literally chipping away at his failing sanity. He planned to use Cody, Kat’s brother, as the vessel for their dark god, but in his blind grief, he almost ruined their chances altogether.

Valentine fought with both of them. She forced Crawford to see reason, to realize Colton needed him, and then with his help she managed to stay Colton’s hand. Their work went on because she had found the courage to fight for her beliefs, even in the face of seemingly certain death.

“I must speak with Colton! It has been two days! Please!”

She wasn’t certain how much longer her vigil could continue. She promised Bravo she would return to him when she knew it was safe for him. With Crawford’s distance, staying at the side of his brother, she had no way of knowing if the brutal man’s anger had yet subsided. It was this uncertainty that pushed her onward.

Just as Valentine was about to slam her fist on the heavy banded door again, it flung open. As if knowing her thoughts, Crawford sneered down at her.

“Please, Crawford. I—”

“Shut up the fuck up, Mutt. We’ve heard you,” he snarled.

His tone sent a shiver of fear into her core, breaking away more of her resolve. She opened her mouth to continue her protest, in spite of the anger it could elicit.

“He will see you,” Crawford scoffed.

He remained looming in the doorway, preventing Valentine from bolting into the chamber. He didn’t say anything, he merely kept her in his shadow until he was ready to let her pass. It was a power play for which he was known, so Valentine refused him the satisfaction of begging to be let by. She simply waited him out and then skirting by when he gave her room.

Colton was sitting at his desk, blowing lightly on a wax seal as she entered. The fireplace was roaring, greedily devouring what appeared to be crates of papers and books. Valentine’s heart fluttered like a frightened bird as she approached. She had witnessed the Void Priest at his worst and there was always a strange calm before the storm.

“Colton. You…you appear to be well,” she offered quietly.

“Do I? Funny, I don’t feel it,” Colton replied in his somber baritone.

“I…I am sorry. I’m sorry I fought with you. I just…I was afraid –”

“You have every right to be afraid, child,” Colton interrupted as he pushed himself to his feet.

He was tall and strong, but in the shadows of the fervent fire, he looked his age. Darkness reached over his weathered features and the flickering light shone in his false eye. The foreboding look of him made his words feel like a threat, the thoughts of retreat involuntarily invading Baby’s forethoughts.

“Don’t fear me,” he growled, closing the distance between them with three long strides. “I have -never- hurt you, Valentine. I won’t start now.”

He reached out and gently caressed her cherub-like cheek but couldn’t summon the energy to even force a smile.

“Brace yourself, dear. I have dire news.”

She followed him to the sofa by the fire. It was all she could do. Her thoughts had shifted to Bravo and her obsessive desire to ensure his safety.

“He will survive,” Colton said, once again reading her thoughts. “But we are going to fail, child. Our attempts to bring Zirnos to Azeroth will fail.”

“Don’t say that, teacher. Nothing will stop us. We will bring him to Azeroth and he will usher the world’s rebirth. He told us it is in our futures. He has shown us,” Baby protested gently, mistaking his proclamation for despair.

“No. Listen to me. Zirnos is not wrong. He will be summoned to this plane, but we will fail him in my first life time. Valentine, I need you to take my spellbook and that letter and I need you to leave. Tonight. Do not open the letter until Hallow’s End. Do you understand?”

The urgency of his words conflicted with is calm, tired demeanor. Valentine stared at him in disbelief for several breaths before she shook her head.

“No…I…How? I don’t understand. How can this be?”

“I am going to die tomorrow. I don’t see how, but I see my body devoured by flames. I fail in this lifetime, but Zirnos assures me that if you survive, we can still bring him to this world. We must maintain our faith. You must have faith in him and in me. You will understand after Hallow’s End, but I need you to disappear. I need you to cease to exist until they have forgotten you. Do you understand? I need you to do this. Our new world depends upon it.”

Valentine was filled with confusion and agony. She lost touch with reality as she stared numbly into the fire. She heard his words but could not bear the weight of them. Still, she nodded weakly.

“I understand.”

“Good. You will have…your prize, still. You can’t take him with you. You must weather solitude as I have. But when Zirnos comes to this world, we shall both have what we desire. You…you will learn something of this man you desire, and it will hurt, just as I have hurt, but you will go on wanting him. I can say no more but take that solace I can give. Now go. Gather your things and leave no trace. Let them forget you.”

Colton’s finality was so sharp, Valentine involuntarily leapt to her feet. She looked at him, already mourning him, but dared not burden him with her sympathy. Instead, she did precisely as she was told, taking up his spell book and the thick, sealed letter of his instructions before running from the room.

“You should have told her,” Crawford growled from the shadows.

“She will know soon enough. I couldn’t bear to break her heart here. Not in this place so sacred to her. She must be strong if we are to succeed.”

Colton looked down at his hands and sighed heavily. In his vision he had seen the people to kill him. He saw his beloved Katharine standing beside their enemy, the wretched Lord Carrington. He had seen the man’s face as clear as a memory and when he had recovered from his visions he knew that the boy, Bravard ‘Bravo’ Noman, was not at all who he said he was.

“Rest brother. There will be a battle tomorrow. They will attack from both sides and we no longer have the numbers to simply sit back. We must be ready to fight.”

[ @darsacarrington for mention ]

[melsa17]

How I learned I was  #blackgirlmagic

I’ve never really sat and thought about what it means to be a woman of color in science. My environment has always included intelligent, strong, black females and to me that was the norm. I was born and raised in Dominica, a small island in the Caribbean (NOT the Dominican Republic) and I attended an all girls’ catholic high school. Black women were my teachers, spiritual leaders, coaches and role models. Being in a class of thirty bright minds fostered a healthy competitive spirit and left me with friendships that still exist today. At the age of fifteen you do not really appreciate the role these women and girls play in your life, but looking back, being surrounded by them influenced the person I’m becoming.

Women are just as capable as men, no one taught me this. It was common sense, if we have the same opportunities and we both have a brain, why shouldn’t we be? Growing up, when taking exams at the national and regional level where my competition now included males I never thought twice about being any less capable. As far as I was concerned I was just as good if not better. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no genius and I’m pretty average but I’ve always been a good student.

In 2007 at the age of eighteen, I moved to Baltimore, Maryland to attend Morgan State University (MSU). Morgan belongs to a group of academic institutions termed historically black colleges and universities (HBCU’s) where both the faculty and students are predominantly black.  Most of these institutions were established after the American Civil War to serve African American communities, but have always been open to all races. Prior to moving to the United States I’d never heard of an HBCU and over the past ten years I’ve described attending an HBCU as living in a bubble. And at that point in my life, I think I needed that. It was hard enough adjusting to life in a city like Baltimore.

Despite having totally different backgrounds, at Morgan everyone looks like you, everyone is treated equally and skin color never played a part in my college experience. This was probably not the case for everyone but I was sheltered because I seldom left my bubble. My teachers, deans, provost, president were all strong powerful black men and women. So when my general biology professor talked about being black and being a black woman in America, growing up black, dealing with racism and being one of the only black students when doing her PhD I really couldn’t relate. I didn’t understand their struggle because honestly I hadn’t experienced it. Growing up black in Dominica is totally different from growing up black in America and so my HBCU experience wasn’t like most of my fellow students.

Recently, a white man asked me if there was slavery in the Caribbean and I looked at him dumbfounded. There are almost 40 million people living in the Caribbean and this educated man didn’t have a clue how we got there, and we both live in the same hemisphere. Once I stopped judging him in my head I explained to him that yes, our countries were also built on the backs of slaves. However, unlike countries like Trinidad, Guyana and Jamaican where you see a lot of diversity among the people, in Dominica everyone looks pretty similar. Yes our complexions vary but at the end of the day we all call ourselves black. Racism did not exist, which is why even at an HBCU where I looked like my peers I didn’t see race the way a young black man who grew up in Alabama saw race.  For me, the most difficult thing about being black in America was being away from home and just trying to figure out who I was, something that didn’t involve the color of my skin back then.

Once I overcame my initial doubts (self-doubt is something I’m still working on) and stopped underestimating my abilities I was able to excel at Morgan. I didn’t see it then but not only did MSU provide a solid foundation and help boost my confidence in my academic abilities, it gave me a glimpse into what many people may now call black girl magic.  My teachers included strong black women and I attended conferences such as the National Organization for the Professional Advancement of Black Chemists and Chemical Engineers, where black women ran things. Over the course of my undergraduate career seeing black women in positions of prestige in academia was normal. At Morgan, I was no longer the girl from the Caribbean just trying to keep her scholarship; I was the Chemistry major who knew her stuff and who did research and was good at it. However, through all that I never saw myself as a woman doing well, much less as a black woman doing well. It was simply Melissa, expected to do well and getting it done.

Fast-forward to 2011 when I moved to Gainesville, Florida for graduate school and my bubble popped. University of Florida (UF) was nothing like Morgan. It is a predominantly white institution (PWI) and in a class of over 30 PhD students there were only two black people, including myself. For the first time in my life I was a minority, and self-doubt started creeping in, and I felt extremely alone.  I was a small fish in a very big pond and the familiarity and support that existed at Morgan was gone. And my doubt had nothing to do with the color of my skin and that’s because the same way I was never taught boys are better than girls I was also never taught white people are smarter than black people.

This probably saved me in grad school, because had I been doubting myself based on skin color or what these people though of me I’d have been a basket case. My self-doubt was because these people seemed so damn smart and experienced; some had worked in industry, gotten master’s degrees, or been doing research for years and here I was feeling all-good about myself because I got a couple awards in undergrad. I remember calling my mom telling her be prepared I’m going to fail out and I’ll be home soon, sorry for being a disappointment (this was all before the first test). However, my mother is my biggest cheerleader and prayer warrior and so she ignored me like she normally does when I say these things. She probably said something like: “Melissa I know what you’re capable of and you’ll be fine, God is in control (West Indian mom lingo101).”

In the Caribbean its ingrained in you at a young age that you can’t fail and you don’t quit. However, growing up I was a lot harder on myself than my own parents, and they were often the ones telling me to relax. On the day of my Common Entrance Examination (an exam that allows Caribbean students to move on to high school) my dad took me to the river at 6 am for a swim so that I would just relax and stop panicking. Yes, at ten years old I was already that hard on myself.  I’ve always been competitive and for that first year of grad school I was just trying to keep my head in the game and not disappoint all the people who believed in me. Looking back, I wish I could tell my 23 year old self: “CHILL, listen to more Kartel and go have a drink!”

The first year of grad school was the toughest and though I came in with a strong chemistry background all the biology material I was presented with was sometimes overwhelming. Chemistry and math had always made sense, and biology just wasn’t my favorite. I made it through the first year, did pretty well actually and kept that fellowship. And like at Morgan I found my footing and did well, my project worked, my lab environment was great, I made good friends, learned hard lessons and apart from Gainesville, being the most boring place ever, life was good. I have no horrible PhD stories and sometimes I feel guilty about it. I have a lot of friends who’ve gone (and are still going) through some tough times. My PhD mentor was great and I enjoyed my PhD experience. Not many PhD candidates can say they graduated with almost twenty peer-reviewed publications and for that I’m grateful and also very lucky (also another story).  

Even though I attended a PWI in Florida I still lived in a bubble; not the kind of bubble I experienced in Baltimore but a bubble nonetheless. I hadn’t experienced blatant racism, just the usual stares or stereotypical questions and comments. My former mentor is white but his wife holds a PhD in Biophysics and is a brilliant black woman at the top of her field; she is also the only black faculty member in the Department of Biochemistry and Molecular Biology. She may not see it because she is also extremely humble but she is the perfect example of  “black girl magic” and to me this was all so normal. Of course black women were killing it in science and engineering why wouldn’t they its all I had seen since moving to the U.S. Granted, I saw less of it in Florida and even though it bothered me that most of the black women I saw in my building were janitors who others wouldn’t even take the time to greet, it was ok because I knew we existed. And then Trayvon Martin was killed, and it never stopped. Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, John Crawford and we know how it goes. I’m not naïve, I know oppression and racism didn’t end with slavery and I know this had ben going on in America for years but I was now experiencing it first hand.  And over the past 5 years I’ve come to understand what it means to be black in America and I’ve also learnt slavery didn’t end just because it was abolished. It doesn’t matter if you’re an MD, CEO or lawyer, all certain people see is the color of your skin. I finally understood what my undergrad professor was talking about.  Seeing young black men and women being targeted because their hue was slightly different was my rude awakening.

It came to the point where watching movies like 12 Years a Slave filled me with so much anger that I’d need extra time to myself before talking to others at work. I left every movie asking why, watched every breaking news update and every not-guilty verdict and just asked “but how?” I’ve always being quick to correct others when they called me African American because I’m extremely proud of my West Indian heritage. “I’m not from this country, I’m West Indian!”  However, I’ve learned, that in America it doesn’t matter what kind of black you are, racists see in black and white and if you’re black you’re beneath them. For the first time in my life I was being told that I was not equal to a certain group of people and that I was not as qualified. After more than twenty years I was being taught what some children had been told all their lives. It has left me angry, filled with hate, hurt and so confused, not because I believe them but because somewhere there is a child who’s accepted this as their fate. Also because I know its not the truth.

This week I saw the film Hidden Figures, which tells the story of three exceptionally brilliant black women who worked at NASA in the 1960s, at a time when segregation still existed in the state of Virginia. The movie focuses on the critical roles they played in the launch of the astronaut John Glen into orbit using their skills in mathematics and physics.  Despite the rave reviews I’d seen I wasn’t excited about this movie. I entered the movie theater with the mindset that this would just be another film that would leave me filled with anger and asking, “why do black people have to endure so much?” This movie made me angry; the way these women were treated solely because of the color of their skin and lady parts was ridiculous and let my blood boil but it also made me realize how much I take for granted. My circle is filled with women in science that I’ve met over the years: chemists, civil engineers, nuclear engineers, immunologists, mechanical engineers, physicists and biochemists; we do it because its what we love and what we’ve always done.  I am a black woman with a PhD in Biochemistry in the field of X-ray crystallography and there are not a lot of us (I checked the numbers). Like I said, I’ve always seen black women doing extraordinary things so I’ve never dwelled on how long it took us to get here. Its not about not playing the race card (a term I despise), its just that I know that a black woman is just as capable. I have the kind of parents who think I’m capable of anything I put my mind to, some days I doubt myself but they never do and more black girls need that growing up. This movie left me feeling empowered on a day where once again I had been questioning my abilities and worrying about my future.  All women need to see this movie whether you’re a scientist or economist or you’re just trying to figure it out; this movie is for all of us.

Currently I work as a research scientist at the National Institutes of Health, as an X-ray crystallographer and most days I still find myself asking “Melissa what do you want to be when you grow up, what do you want to contribute with this skill-set?” Not too long ago, I went to the store on campus to buy a couple items for the lab with my white lab mates and at the register, I shared “the nod” and a smile with the cashier, a forty-something year old black woman and placed my items on the counter. She then asked me if I was a doctor and I responded yes without much thought of it and paid for my items. When we were done with my transaction she told me how proud she was of me and thanked me on behalf of her family for all my work. I had never met this woman and she had no idea what my research entailed but the fact a black woman was a doctor and was trying to make a difference filled her with pride. I hadn’t thought about that moment much but I remembered it after watching the movie and I realized how blessed I was and how grateful I should be.

I may not think what I’m doing for a living is a big deal, most days its just a job where I do experiments that may not work, or where I question what I’ll do with this PhD. Other days a band on a western blot and a protein crystal in a drop make me smile, and I meet intelligent people who make me want to do better. But there are a lot of people out there, who look up not to me but to the idea of people like me. I have a community of people who are rooting for my black girl magic friends and I because it is still an amazing thing to see.