#We the choir class had to learn the first part

[johannepetereric]

“🎼Heart and Soul...I fell in love with you🎼”

From what I have of the score sheet I just printed out, it seems that it the lyrics of “Heart and Soul” by Hoagy Carmichael is genderless. So if you wanna sing it to your trans S/O(s), you can without worrying about switching pronouns!😄

[matthiastalksalot]

what is being aromantic? what is being asexual?

i struggled to grasp both for so long, pushing away these parts of my identity with intense denial and a tad bit of misunderstanding.

this is the first of two parts. i talk a lot. enjoy!

CW: discussions of sex

around a year ago, i had gotten into a relationship with a boy whom i cared for deeply. we both had “crushes” on each other around october of 2022. we shared a brief new years kiss, as friends. life moved on. he got a girlfriend. i thought i had a “crush” on my best friend.

then we were roommates for an overnight school choir trip. we did all of the “romantic” things that couples were supposed to do, all the while claiming it was a joke (clarifying point: his girlfriend was well aware of this. she said that i was her boyfriend’s boyfriend).

however, he felt neglected by his girlfriend during this trip, because she wanted to spend more time with her friend group them with him. he was one of two friends of mine, and so i was always around. i helped comfort him when he felt alone. i hung out with him 24/7, having fun during the day and cuddling in our hotel bed at night.

this trip lasted a total of 4 days. we got back on a sunday. that monday, he broke up with his girlfriend. he called me, and i went out at 11pm to be with him and help him through this breakup. despite him initiating it, he was also heartbroken and distraught.

the following two weeks, we had what i would call a “situationship”. we would cuddle, hold hands, talk, hang out constantly. what we couldn’t do? date. because it was moving on too soon.

eventually, we did start dating. we were the most obnoxious PDA couple my high school had ever seen. sitting on each others laps in the cafeteria, holding hands in choir, ect. i even promposed to him by bringing a door to school in the bed of my pickup truck, and asking him out in front of our class.

you may be thinking- how did such a picture perfect relationship fail? there are many awnsers to this question, but the big one? sex.

we hung out after school daily, and the more time that passed, the more comfortable he was with beginning sex and related activities.

to be clear: we never got far. we made out once. we only did it to see if it was better than i thought it would be, as i truly did not have interest. (it was not. spit. ew.) we did a little grinding here and there, and it felt okay. we would do it for a bit, eventually i would be overstimulated, and we would stop. i would immediately turn back to what we had been doing before, which i later learned hurt his feelings.

i do not find it impossible to have the physical feelings that come with sex.

what he taught me was that i lack emotional connection when it comes to sex. to be quite frank, i found his initiation to be disruptive. i just wanted to cuddle and watch a movie, why do we have to hump and suck necks??

when i told him that i thought i may be asexual, he cried. i had been feeling off, not sure what to say. he asked what was wrong, and when i told him, he cried. he asked many questions, such as “why can’t anything ever be simple? my ex only liked my body, now you come along and fulfill all my emotional needs, but aren’t interested? have you been lying when you called me attractive?”

i comforted him. he told me it was okay, we would figure it out. we broke up weeks later. two days before it happened he tweeted “i miss being sexualized by horny men online”. yeah.

my sexuality wasn’t the only reason for our breakup, but it was a large one. despite this, i did not feel truly comfortable calling myself asexual for months following.

after all, i knew what sexual pleasure felts like.

it took me until the following january to accept myself as asexual.

over winter break in college, i got grindr and met up with a 49 year old. he called himself “erik”, although i strongly doubt that is his real name.

we hooked up. i lied to him, pretended i wasn’t a virgin. the entire thing was so awkward. i told him no kissing or anything related to mouths from the start, as i knew i didn’t like it. he held to that, and we had sex. i got off, so did he, but honestly? not quite what it is cracked up to be.

i almost passed out like three times but i didn’t know what it was or wasn’t supposed to be.

something within me changed that night, as i finally understood the difference between feeling and attraction. i do not feel attraction to anyone sexually. not my ex, not the grindr hookup.

i began to identify as asexual.

i still do, but the way i described it then was “i want to keep my sex and romantic relationships separate. because i am not sexually attracted to my partner, it would feel weird to lead them on by having sex.”

now. i am aromantic. how did we get there? story for another day. perhaps later tonight. perhaps tommorow.

it took me years to figure out my asexual identity. there are so so many naysayers, and people who do not believe in it. in situations like that, it is harder to truly find yourself. but i did. and i am sure if you reading this are in a similar spot, you will as well, in due time.

all my love,

mattisaroace

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Find the word tag

Thanks @verba-writing for the tag!

My words: breath, wild, fall

Your words: arm, subject, learn, incapable

Tagging @dyrewrites @little-peril-stories @andyswritings @blind-the-winds @mrbexwrites @eccaiia @mk-writes-stuff @poethill @theeccentricraven @jessicagailwrites @gottestod-writes @cowboybrunch @sleepywriter00 @buffythevampirelover @little-mouse-gardens @theknightswhosay @pk-writes @herrmannhalsteadproduction @infinnative or anyone who wants to hop on!

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @fairy-tales-of-yesterday who can also join in if you want :)

Keep reading for:

Lexi looks for Ash and has a near-panic attack (CW: near panic attack)

Lexi knows everything about everyone apparently

Tierney gets his letter!

Breath - from The Secret Portal Part One (Lexi POV)

The forest was dense and vast—she could theoretically be anywhere. Clues. Maybe there would be a sign of the direction she went. I looked down to see if there were any imprints where she may have stepped. Most of the ground appeared untouched, but my eyes rested on a patch of flattened red ferns a few yards away. I ran toward them, then kept looking at the forest floor. The colorful leaves covering the ground appeared crunched, like someone had staggered through them shortly before I arrived. I followed the path they appeared to make. “Ash!” I called, hoping I was closer. Still, there was nothing. I stopped at a patch of purple flowers. There were clumps of them similar scattered here and there, but these were as flattened as the ferns. I knelt down beside them. A black object settled beneath the flowers caught my eye, and I picked it up. I gasped—one of Ash’s rings. “Ash!” I called again as I stood. “ASH!” She had to be close. I looked back down at the crushed blossoms. It was like she’d collapsed in them. My breath caught in my chest. “ASH!” My breathing picked up. “ASH!” What if she didn’t hear me? If she was unconscious somewhere…. I tried calling her name again, but it was caught in my throat by a sudden sob. My hand enclosed the ring until it dug into my fingers. My legs felt weak and I found myself kneeling on the forest floor as tears streamed down my cheeks. I hit my thigh with my fist that enclosed the ring, scolding myself and my stupid anxiety for making me lose my focus after one setback. “She wasn’t here,” I told myself, pulling on my braids. “That means she had to stand up and walk away to somewhere else.” I closed my eyes, taking a shaky breath, and almost willed Ash to speak up—let me know where she was. “Lexi!”

Wild - from The Secret Portal Part Two (Lexi POV)

Ash and Gwen came from band and arrived together every day, and it didn’t seem too different. Ash sat beside me as usual, and Gwen in front of me. We usually talked for the whole thirty minutes about various things: class, Gwen’s relationship with Akash, or whatever had happened during the weekend in Alium. But today, several minutes in, we hadn’t really said a word to each other. I didn’t have to be a telepath to figure out why. Beside me, Ash had her eyes glued to her food. The silence was driving me insane. My knee bounced in anticipation. “So how’s band going?” I blurted out. “It’s fine,” Ash said. “We’re almost ready for our winter concert,” Gwen said, pulling me out of my misery. “Oh! That’s Thursday, right?” “Next Thursday,” Gwen clarified. “Our orchestra concert is next Friday,” I added on. “Maddie’s choir concert is next Saturday, the twenty-first. So we’ll show up in Alium that Sunday morning. That weekend is going to be wild. Jazlyn and Wade both have a football game on Friday, and Ewan and Hye-Jin have concerts Saturday. I think Parker may be going to Wade’s game and Ewan and Jazlyn to each other’s activities. And Robbie has a winter play next week Thursday through Saturday. So next weekend will be vacant until Sunday.” “How do you know what everyone’s doing?” Ash asked, finally saying something and looking up from her largely untouched food. I blinked. “I dunno. I just remembered everyone talking about it.” “What else do you know, their birthdays?” “Yeah,” I said.

I can tell I haven't revised this yet. Lexi would be tugging her hair, not bouncing her knee. And she wouldn't say Ash's eyes are glued to her food - just focused on them. Her voice is just slightly off.

Fall - from School of the Legends Year One

Tierney unfolded it and began to read aloud, “Prince Tierney Wayne, We are pleased to congratulate you on your qualification for Madame Goossens’ School for the Gifted, Majicked, and Cursed in the United States of America.” “What?” his father asked. A pattering of feet from above indicated all of Tierney’s siblings racing down the stairs. “Keep reading!” “This international school is for teens with unusual abilities, and we wish to provide an environment that is better suited for you, as well as teaching you control and opening greater opportunities for your future.” “What does that mean?” Damari asked as everyone was now in the Hall. Tierney shrugged and just continued. “All of your credits will be transferred, and we hope to hear back from you soon with an acceptance letter. There is more information on the back of the letter. We hope to see you around our campus.” “Well, what’s the information on the back of the letter?” his father demanded. Tierney, confused as ever, flipped the paper over. “Um, so this school is for the, uh, gifted, majicked, and cursed.” “That was established in the school’s name,” said the king. “I apparently fall into the ‘gifted’ category.” “Gifted!” the king boomed, his voice echoing off the majestic walls. “That letter claims you--my son!--to be one of those mutants?” “You’re a gifted!” Ritchie said, almost too excited. With a glare from their father, he put on a more neutral demeanor. “So, does it say what your gift is?” Tierney scanned the paper. “Uh, ‘qualification: electric-based powers.’” “Electric?” Damari repeated. “Well that explains the constant shock,” said Ritchie. “And the thunderstorm fetish.” “Jarred!” their mother scolded. “What?”

[wilsons-hotlittleprettyboymouth]

Hiiiii ♡♡♡

1-what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

12- what’s some good advice you want to share?

25-fave season and why?

Omg nim thank you for putting the whole questions in the ask, I should��ve done that for yours but didn’t think abt it 😭

1 - since anyone who touches my blog with a ten foot pole hears about all the bad things that shaped me, here are some good ones!:

1) in high school I quit band because the director was a huge dick, which opened up free time for me to try choir. After one class I was withdrawn from beginner choir and put into advanced. The (openly gay) director was kind and encouraging and refused to let me badmouth my voice. Forced me to engage. Up until this point I’d been incredibly insecure, even my stepdad would change the radio station if I started to sing along. Opening up my singing confidence also opened up my making friends confidence for the first time. It is because of that director that I went on to meet my partner doing karaoke and then had the chance to sing at Carnegie Hall (probably the #1 experience of my life). I hope I never forget how much I owe him.

2) one of my favorite people in the world is my middle & high school Russian teacher! He was an ex Soviet soldier from Belarus and an incredibly kind and happy older man. Not only did I get a decent education in Russian history and propaganda at a young age, but it permanently blasted through any US propaganda that demonizes all Russians. I learned about the world, the kinds of things that interest me, and to have compassion first and foremost.

3) when I was a kid I LOVED making desserts, to the point that my dad kept packs of instant muffin mix and boxed brownie mix in the house for when I came over every weekend. I’d jazz it up long before I really understood what I was doing. I gave up on my love for baking and cooking for a long time because it just wasn’t possible in my living situations, but now I’m a baker. And a really good one. I wish I’d put two and two together sooner, honestly.

12 - the world is full of experiences you wouldn’t even realize are normal to some people, and all people are truly human at heart. Everyone has a reason for doing everything that you don’t approve of, and the vast amount of the time it isn’t their fault that they reason that way. Don’t forget that you’ve also made plenty of panicked, quick decisions that had consequences for yourself and others, and the feelings that cause these poor decisions feel very very compelling in the moment. Before you decide someone is irredeemable, look for a way to view their actions with pity first. We all deserve it to some degree.

25 - I’m actually sort of famous among people who know me as being incredibly excited for every single season. It’s part of my charm. I think my favorite is spring, though. Mostly because the comfortable temperature is a huge relief — bitter cold messes with my nerve pain — and daylight savings makes me feel like I’m on straight up speed. It’s really a logistical preference, because I’m an incredibly festive person about every season equally.

[morg-among-the-stars]

I Ran Home That Day ♾️

I ran home that day

Sprinted so quickly down the road to finally have an answer

To know why I cause so many problems and why I’m the epitome of, “weird”

A warm day in the middle of May, it was

And my mom stood on the porch, waiting for me

I was grinning, I still don’t know why

I was excited as if I were about to be given a gift or a new toy to play with

My mom’s words came out calmly, a little apprehensively, though

Like she didn’t want to say them out loud

But she did

“Morgan, you have Asperger’s, with the ADHD.”

She couldn’t say, “autism”

Because that word

Was big

And heavy

It had so many connotations

But I was eleven years old

I didn’t know any better

We went inside and I put my backpack away

And cried

Somewhere between relief and fear

What did that mean for me now? For the future? What now, what now?

Relief shined through, though

I had been carrying fear within me that there wasn’t anything diagnosable

My worst fear, that I was just a bad kid

But I wasn’t

I was put into a world that wasn’t made for me

And I dealt with it the best way I could; through tics and fidgets and never shutting up and loving things intently

And I cried

My mom hadn’t hugged me that tight in my entire life

I had to get my sister off the bus

She was the first person I told

She didn’t know what it meant, but ass-burgers was funny to her

She didn’t know any better, either

That night, I had a choir concert for my school

I wore my chorus shirt with black sweatpants

Because I couldn’t stand denim

I stood in the warm-up room off to the side by myself

Knowing something that no one else did

Could they see it now? Did they know before I did?

A few girls from my class came up to me

“Why are you wearing sweatpants?”

But my face had to have shown something— worry, embarrassment, confusion, something— because the girls changed course

“It’s okay, you’re lucky. I wish my mom let me wear sweatpants all the time.”

They didn’t know the battle that went on about that at home; and with brushing my teeth; with showering; with learning how to shave; with talking too much; with not talking at all when stressed; with, with, with

But I wasn’t going to tell them

Less I need another thing to stick a target to my back: Morgan has family issues and is autistic, too

I don’t remember the singing part of the chorus concert

Though, I do remember the song, “Three Quotes” inspired by the works of Mark Twain

One part of the song had all of us kids yell on stage: “Rude, rambunctious crescendo” is what I remember the choir teacher telling us in the rehearsal days we had prior

The days where I sang loud to not think, “What if I’m a bad kid, what if I’m a bad kid? What then, what then?”

And blared music until my ears rang to not think, “What happens then? What will I do if I’m just a bad kid?”

During the crescendo, I went mute

The ringing in my ears and the thoughts in my head were so loud that I believed I was saying them out loud

So loud in my head

I’m autistic, I am on the spectrum, I don’t know what that means

I wanted to go home

Sit in the dark

But I had more songs to smile and dance and off-key sing to

When it was over, I ran to my mom

And hugged her tight

A friend of mine came up to me

Smiling, happy to see me, wanting to tell me I did a good job, even when I really didn’t

She was the second person I told

I don’t know why I brought it up

She had been my friend since the first grade

So I trusted her

“I’m autistic.”

“Oh.”

Oh

That’s all she said

Social deficit, I’d made a social misstep

But we pushed on

She hugged me and took a picture with me thanks to both our mom’s insistence

I still have that picture now

Tired eyes, my crooked smile

A forced, crooked smile

But a smile nonetheless

I went home and my mom told me to be comfortable

To relax

I went right to my room, mind racing, to my computer to research

And research

And research

And research some more

My eyes were going wonky

So tired

But I had to know and had to educate myself and had to learn what such a heavy word meant

I went to sleep late that night

Definitely not relaxed

And faced the morning

And faced the day

I pulled my favorite teacher aside and told her

“I have Asperger’s.”

“I have nephews with it. Don’t worry, you’re still a smart girl.”

She hugged me, too

I never said I wasn’t smart

One student overheard

And told another

Then another

Then another

And it spread like a wildfire

People knew when I didn’t want them to

I was questioned

If I was bullied for just showing autistic traits, then what do you think happened when people learned that they were right?

Called the r-word in the hallway

Picked last in gym class

Avoided like the plague

Avoided like the plague

How was I supposed to be proud

Of something that made things worse for a long, long time?

I denied all accusations

“I’m not autistic. What are you talking about?”

And went on with my life

I told my best friend

“I’m autistic.”

“That’s okay, your mind is just a little funky. But everyone’s mind is their own kind of funky.”

She was kind to me

She was kind to me

I entered high school and met more kids with it

Kids who could say that they were autistic

Proudly

Incredible

I watched them

And wanted to be proud

It got written on my student record

My new choir teacher embraced it fully

She was kind to me

I ran to her class every day

And got picked on for being a kiss-ass

But I slowly didn’t care

There are people who can be kind

The teasing and bullying and cruelty won’t matter in the long run

Though its wounds still stay with me

I stuck with kind people

I ran to them

Ran down to hall to see my friends

Who were all weird and queer and different

But I loved them all

They kept me safe

Kind people kept me safe

I ran to them

Held them close to me

Grew up beside the other weirdos

And didn’t feel alone

Didn’t feel heavy

Wasn’t avoided

Found peace in people like me

Told more people

Found pride

Found pride for the first time

And ran toward better days where I grew up and allowed myself to rest

To take it easy

To find people like me and to love them

To love them

To love me

And to love big, heavy words

And to fly free

And run towards light

[100ducksizedfolignos]

15 people 15 questions

thanks @girlfriendline @giveemgreef @tblueger <333

1. are you named after anyone?

i am not! my middle name was an homage to my mom's grandparents but i have since changed it and my parents are blessedly allergic to otherwise naming anything after anybody

2. when was the last time you cried?

few days before christmas

3. do you have kids?

no and i do not want to. i have one fur baby (that i co-parent with my parents lmao) though as you all well know (scout my baby boy <3)

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

played kids' baseball/softball until i was like 10/11 bc i was constantly in the outfield and nobody can pitch until you get to like. high school. so it was boring and i hated it so i quit. i was on dance team for a while until i had to drop it bc recital dates kept being on the same days as school band concerts. was in marching band throughout high school, which counts bc i was a percussionist and had to lug around those heavy drum harnesses

5. do you use sarcasm?

a ridiculous amount. if we also count like comedic lying in this i accidentally convinced a coworker that there were only three seasons of spongebob doing that whole pretending that only the good parts of a show exist. such a shame spongebob ended after season 3. there's no more of it! just too bad

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

hair probably

7. what’s your eye color?

brown! medium tending towards dark

8. scary movies or happy endings?

while i love gothicness and gothyness i am a Known Weenie and certain types of gore literally make me feel faint. like the finale of the terror s1 made me a little faint and gave me the sweats and i had to fully pause the episode and lay on the floor for a while. so i guess categorically happy endings based on that. if a scary movie isn't super gory though i'll go for it

9. any talents?

i’m very performing arts inclined! i play piano, sing, dance, and act (was a theatre major in college). i memorize things quickly if i set my mind to it, am great at navigating, have great pitch memory (like i can be exactly or near-exactly on pitch when singing something i’ve heard before even without backing accompaniment. this unfortunately drives me crazy when people post pitch-shifted versions of songs and i can tell they’re off. bearer of the curse), decent stage combatant, good crowd weaver, and somehow bear the ability to unintentionally come off as intimidating to basically everyone i’ve ever met

10. where were you born?

iowa, usa

11. what are your hobbies?

i'm something of a gamer in my spare time. basically only solo joints though i'm not like gamer nhlers that play like. league of legends or fortnite or counterstrike. i've recently joined a community band and a bar trivia team (with my old middle school choir teacher lmao. he's a homie), i write fic every once in a while, read, dance around the house, go for walks when it's not cold, snuggle my pup, and obviously watch hockey. i keep telling myself i'm going to learn how to sew but trying to find beginner projects for men types is fucking dire and i keep not going out to get fabric for the pirate blouse i keep wanting to make rip

12. do you have any pets?

ah there's a separate question for this. scout, my yellow lab baby boy whose breeder had a confederate flag up in his barn when we got him (we saved you buddy). have some pictures

13. how tall are you?

5'5". short king territory

14. favorite subject in school?

i was a band/choir bitch. probably followed by english (literature). i liked basically all of it but phys ed though fuck that class i hate distance running it gives me a stitch in my side and you have to run a mile at least twice a semester (fuck you presidential fitness test). on top of all the other running they make you do. loved when they just did games though. matball my beloved

15. dream job.

actor, either stage or voice. unfortunately i do not want to live where the big voice acting studios are located and regional stage acting is kind of limited unless you go all the way out to chicago, which i tried for a couple of months before multiple breakdowns told me i should probably be closer to home. i enjoy being a librarian though :)

tagging @get-hockeyed-idiot @amandaleveille @wildaboutmnhockey @girldewar @letkirillfight @yes-perwallstedt if you guys haven't done it yet and also anyone else who wants to

[pencil-urchin]

Doodle of my Mirialan OC, Iria. She's a scholar--Peofessor of Cultural Anthropology/Archaeology, with a minor in Art History: all centered on what she calls "The Culture of Warfare" and how it defines and shapes those cultures which engage in war.

She also put herself through school as an exotic dancer in a not-very-nice place, like you do.

(Hold on because I'm about to word vomit)

***

She has a list of other skills and knowledges, but I don't want anyone crying "Mary Sue!" so a quick note:

All but a handful of her knowledge and abilities are skills I currently have or had at one point, and I promise I am not anyone's idea of a "Mary Sue."

These skills and achievements include:

-Multiple Advanced Degrees (I have an Associate's, a Bachelor's, and 3 Master's degrees)

-Art (I am a professional artist, and although I have a long way to go and a lot of room to improve, I have worked hard to get where I am, and obtained both an MA in Visual Development and an MFA in Concept Art in the process)

-Martial Arts (I stopped one test shy of a black belt when I was 17 because I started college)

-Fencing (I started fencing when I was 21, which is how I met my husband; we were both competitive until and somewhat during grad school, but now we mostly just coach)

-Music (clarinet and vocal primarily, then violin and piano for a short time)

-Writing (creative and academic, my second degree was in Literary Studies)

-Multilingual (I have studied Spanish, French, Latin, and Russian)

-Organization schemes/data analysis and curation (my first Masters was in Library Science, and I was a librarian for over ten years)

-Handling of rare/historic artifacts (I studied special collections, collection management, and rare books in my MLS)

-Cooking (my husband and I love cooking together)

-Fashion (as part of my MLS I worked in a designer and historic fashion archive)

-Metalwork (I have taken metalsmithing classes, worked as a jeweler's apprentice, and even got to try blacksmithing once upon a time)

-First Aid (through my first two years of grad school I was Healthcare Provider certified to offer assistance with CPR, use of a defibrillator, assisting with someone choking, etc)

-Emergency Response (for a while in my late teens, I participated in a program meant to prepare young adults for Firefighter I training, which included a rigorous exercise routine, specialized training in the use of emergency equipment, and learning the most basic foundations of Fire Science)

-Acting (listen I don't think I'm good, but I was in Improv as a kid, love to RP at the game table , and was even a mime once)

-Field Ecology (loved this class, caught so many snakes, frogs, turtles, and lizards: I do not do spiders or insects, and therefore neither do my characters)

Skills I ABSOLUTELY do not have that my OC has:

-social grace (I'm an awkward weirdo)

-physical grace (despite all I have done, I am so clumsy)

-beauty (I am a swamp witch without the swamp)

-confidence (see above)

-dancing (I did dance and drill team when I was in junior high, did swing choir in high school, did the "shimmy" belly dance workout, and took a pole-dance workout class once which was an absolute blast, but JFC I am NOT a dancer, I promise)

***

I'm sure there's more, but you get the idea. A multifaceted character with a collection of experiences that seem disparate isn't different from what we are IRL when we break ourselves down into a list like this. In addition to all the positives, I'm also old (35), neurodivergent and mentally-Ill.

So yeah, not a "Mary Sue."

[topazadine]

Because it's my birthday I am going to share 23 random facts about me (that no one cares about except me, I care very much)

1. I was born in Okinawa, Japan. No I'm not Japanese, my mom was an accountant for the Air Force. And no, I don't remember anything about Japan; we moved back when I was six months old. The military broke into our apartment and forced us to leave the country because my mom criticized the Air Force for having religious programming on the government-funded radio station. She wrote a screenplay about it which has sadly never been sold :(

2. I've written over 2 million words of fiction, most of which you can read over on Archive of Our Own.

3. I was named for two typhoons that hit Japan around when I was born (first and middle name). Every year, we used to get horrible insane bad weather around my birthday. After I changed my birth name and kept only one of the typhoon names, we don't get bad weather anymore :)

4. I've lived in 10 different houses and three different time zones over my lifetime.

5. I won a Gilman Scholarship for the most competitive country in the program and got to study abroad in Stirling, Scotland, during undergrad. I got all As in my classes while there, despite the fact that I was dealing with repeated bouts of antispychotic-induced trismus where my jaw would lock open for up to six hours. It was ouchie.

6. Over my lifetime, I have kept dogs, cats, betta fish, koi fish, zebra finches, guinea pigs, hamsters, ferrets, and chickens.

7. My favorite time of year is autumn.

8. Back in the early 2010s, I anonymously pretended to be Darren Criss (from Glee) in random peoples' inboxes, and I was so good at it that there was a theory that I was, indeed, Darren Criss. I eventually had to come clean about it because other people tried to copy me.

9. I also caused a controversy in the Sherlock fandom by Photoshopping Sherlock-related graffiti on a photo of the Baker Street Underground station. People literally thought someone was going around spraypainting the London Tube while I was comfortably at home in my apartment in Chicago.

10. While living in Chicago, I once found an iguana in a tree, in the middle of winter. Poor thing would have died if it was left out any longer. I captured it and gave it to my friend who kept reptiles; the original owner never came forward for it.

11. I have dyscalculia, meaning it's nigh-on impossible for me to do anything other than basic math.

12. Because of my dyscalculia, I can't read sheet music. Despite this, I was in choir and musicals because I had a good singing voice. To get around this, my teachers would give me CDs of the music, and I would learn everything by ear.

13. My first ever fannish hyperfixation was The Beatles. I used to roleplay Beatles RPF with my best friend by passing a notebook around between classes. My character had a whole city in North Carolina named after her, plus a lime green Bugatti Veyron and a mansion. Typical middle schooler power fantasy lmao

14. My favorite animal is the unicorn. Barring mythical creatures, my favorite animal is the cow.

15. I collect music boxes, specifically ones with moving parts. My favorite present anyone has ever given me is a singing bird music box with a little canary that dances while it sings.

16. I also collect vintage luggage. Look, it's a cooler storage system than tote boxes, ok??

17. I have been knitting since I was around 9. My favorite thing to make is socks, and the favorite project I've ever done is a seashell-patterned shawl for my mom.

18. In the summer, I love kayaking; in the winter, I love doing nothing whatsoever. Though I'm tempted to try cross-country skiing, ngl.

19. Last year, I made my first roombox; I'm now working on a three-story dollhouse. I also mod Nendoroids.

20. I've had nearly every hair color, which includes blonde, brunet, black, red, purple, teal, blue, green, and pink. My favorite is green.

21. I have seven tattoos, including the term "Mors ad Raptoribus" written across my chest. I got this one after being sexually assaulted; it means "Death to Rapists" in Latin. The other most important one is a portrait of my late dog Luke.

22. I like all sorts of music, including alt, indie, (some) folk, pop, metal, rap, blues, jazz, and classical. The only music I really don't like is gospel. If you ask me my favorite band, rest assured it'll change in about three weeks.

23. I'm a late bloomer horse girl. I rode a little bit as a child but was too broke to afford regular lessons. Now that I'm an Adult, I go riding once a week and wish I could go more!

Happy birthday to me! And yes, I am always this insufferable about myself on my birthday. Look I get one day a year ok

[beautifulrebelglitterwitch]

I am luxurious.

I was in Drama Club in high school. In the spring we always did a musical. Junior year we did Oklahoma. Tony was a very good looking senior boy, who looked like a man. He had a beautiful baritone voice. He had one of the lead the parts, the good guy as opposed to Curly, the bad guy. We were friends, we had classes together and were in Choir together. One rehearsal, during a break, myself and a bunch of other girls were sitting in the auditorium seats and were talking. Tony took it upon himself to come up to us and, UNSOLICITED, gave his opinion on our looks. It went some thing like this, pointing to each girl, pretty, pretty beautiful, pretty, pretty, beautiful, beautiful and then he got to me, last, and paused (too long in my mind) and I knew it was going to bad. He said you’re cute shrugged and walked away. It was some kind of fucked up misogynistic version of duck duck goose. No one seemed bothered. Of course not, they were pretty and beautiful. In that moment 2 things simultaneously happened in my 16 year old is brain. 1. I instantly hated the word cute and 2. Fat girls can’t be pretty or beautiful. I carried that second belief far too long. The truth for me today is that I still absolutely hate the word cute in relation to anything about me and of course, fat girls are pretty and beautiful and even cute. How ludicrous to believe otherwise. I never spoke to him again. I ignored him unless a teacher made me talk to him and oh boy did he notice and not like that. It’s like I knew what he did was wrong, but didn’t have the voice or tools to confront him so I retreated and pretended he didn’t exist. He was the first of many until I found my voice.

I never thought I was ugly, but if you asked me I couldn’t tell you that I was pretty or beautiful or even barf, cute. I just knew I wasn’t the ugliest person in any given room. Its incredibly hard to hear a compliment, even today, but I can say thank you with grace even if I don’t believe it.

In my 20’s I was so in love with one of my best friends and the relationship was so confusing because we did so many intimate things outside of a friendship, but nothing sexual. I was talking with another friend about it and he said maybe you aren’t enough, maybe you’re only 80% of what he wants and 20% of what he doesn’t, and gave the example the 20% was of how I looked. The craziest part of this conversation is I BELIEVED HIM. I added it to my pile of lies that I believed and carried that lie way too long as well. I think back and maybe I wasn’t what my friend wanted, we were just meant to have this incredible intense relationship that made us better people. That’s different than not being enough, there is a nuance missing in his comment. Also, I am not friends with that person any longer and not even for that reason and the boy I loved is still my friend and has a beautiful family and I adore him in a completely nostalgic way.

I don’t believe any of these things anymore. Also, If someone tells you that you aren’t enough or you’re too much don’t believe a single thing they say. I am human, I have good body days and bad body days. I know I have come so far in how I look at and feel about my myself. I know my assets (curly hair, full lips, tits and ass). I used my daily moisturizing routine to learn to love different places on my body to enjoy.

Listening to the audios My Venus I and II on Quinn (if you know, you know. If you don’t GO NOW life changing) Dr Rapture celebrated gay girls in a way I have never heard before in my life. At one point he says your fat is luxurious. It was like a fucking revelation. Like can I be luxurious? I fell asleep thinking I am never going to accept anything less than someone who feels that way about me. It was such a beautiful thought bomb dropped on me that even still I will be doing something so mundane like the dishes and my brain will be like Hey! Guess what, your fat is luxurious! and I’ll be like Oh,that’s fucking right! I can’t even imagine if I had heard that sooner how I would feel about myself. But maybe I wouldn’t have heard it how I did. Maybe it was meant for me in that exact moment. But I am forever grateful to have heard those words, whether written in truth or creatively or in creative truth ( I talked to him about it’s how he truly feels which is another fucking revelation that men like him exist) I love that he used the word fat in both audios. It’s an adjective. All the words people come up to soften the blow of being called fat are all adjectives, but really put women in an invisible hierarchy against one another. I am curvy and fat and kind and smart and funny and empathetic and you get it, adjectives. Words fucking matter. I’m such a geek for words and how they are used, for good and evil. I love when they express something you couldn’t or express something you didn’t even know you needed.

I have this habit when I get in bed, I have to put my left hand in my pajamas bottoms and touch my upper thigh. It’s an anxiety thing, focusing on my skin on skin. But if I move just a few inches to the right there is a spot, the juncture if my hip, upper thigh and belly. It’s so soft and so sensitive and a secret for only special people to know about. I wouldn’t have known it was even there if I hadn’t been trying to love on all the parts of me.

That spot, it’s fucking luxurious.

[fantomette22]

Can we learn more about your Caryll?

Well I’m glad you ask. unfold giant paper

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the lil things I already made ? (About Caryll or my other interpretations, I already talked a bit about Caryll and I did some little drawings that I’m going to repost there + there’s a few ideas in my fic too hehe)

So, dear runesmith Caryll (my beloved). I know canon/lore wise we know almost nothing except that they translate a big part of the runes + create the rune tool that is extremely practical in the game. Somehow with so little I managed to create an interpretation I really like and found really cool!

Because the post is super long the rest under the cut.

First, I need to mention I use they/them when I talked about Caryll (so it's more clear for everyone and yeah non binary Caryll rules! In French it’s a bit more complex but I try to keep it neutral...too bad we don't have neutral pronoun.) But really they can dress with any type of clothes too so they don't really mind that some person could use one gender above the other for them.

You know, sometimes in the fromsoftware games some descriptions are keep neutral (in Japanese) and become masculine with the translation (so we can’t really be sure for Caryll) and also just because I can’t choose XD (both a female or male version of Caryll are interesting !

And I’m really bad at choosing so I thought… why not nonbinary Caryll?? there’s just a lil fellow :) It’s funny because usually I managed to choose, for Dores I managed for exemple but Caryll I can’t… I like various interpretations of bloodborne story & characters too ! Always so interesting and enjoyable to saw the one of others! And I guess the others characters try to keep it neutral too and because they have no idea either

So i really come up with this design randomly. I was thinking of a design for them and boom that what’s came into my mind. Already made a post here.

At the beginning there’s a students at Byrgenwerth, then a researchers after obtaining their degree and then worked with the Church (and began the choir?), the hunters etc... They might came from or have family in Hemwick or the Fishing Hamlet perhaps? (Like this headcanon) but i didn’t thought of everything yet.

Now personality wise if I had to resume, I will say they’re a just a lil "guy" :) they’re kind, curious, really intelligent a bit shy too (but it get better after they grow up a bit) the least agressive person ever…(absolutely not based on one of my own friend) it's just the vibe that it gives me. Really everyone loved them too (because runes/translate great one>all) younger than the majority of the students that came at Byrgenwerth so a bit complicated at first. Then some accident in the pthumeru labyrinth happened then boom you hear great ones and can understand runes. So yeah sometimes they’re acting really weird (like staring at the sea/lake at 2am but he’s not the only one so it’s ok xD) but who isn’t mad in bloodborne hm? At the beginning it’s still like ok and more consider « lunatic » and I least that help them understand a lot of thing + hear stuff + have dreams. But years pass and the voices become louder and louder…

I won’t talk to their relationship with everyone in details (that would be too long so maybe later) but in my hc they're quite close to Laurence, Maria & Gehrman (+had some class with Maria, Ludwig, Rom, Mico etc...) And basically a lot of people just like them in general. Willem took them under his wing too (well that man literally like to « adopted » + help kids & young adults in need XD

(a lil adventure featuring Caryll, Maria & Ludwig in the forbidden woods here xD )

I'm not sure when the choir been formed but Caryll might be the their first « leader » You see the choir’s hat ? Caryll was the first one to have one like that.

And remember the eye pendant ? The one you got from cleric beast Laurence to go to the research hall? One of my most recent hc is that before Laurence had it, it belongs to Caryll.

Little facts :

Probably had an arcane build at some point

Like to look at big body of water (sea/lake)

Had a lil scar under the left eye but can actually see well from it. Until the fishing hamlet.

Caryll had augurs of Ebrietas (Caryll found them and keep the first ones they took back from Isz) and seems to understand them.

The choir's hat prototype they have was a gift made by Gehrman.

They helped Maria with the Astral clocktower construction.

They had some classes with Maria, Ludwig, Mico, Rom, Damian etc back in Byrgenwerth and pass their exams almost at the same time.

Laurence was their fav teacher.

Dores liked them (she don't like many people so that's huge)

They pass the Cainhurst vibe check.

Alcohol is not really their thing but they can drink more glasses than Laurence.

Can pass from one type of clothes to another really often. Making super confused someone who don't know them really well and saw them only once or twice before. What a fashion icon

"If I was a slug would you still love me ?"

And to finished you might wonder what happened to them in the end ? Well the game never answered us on that so... all I can say is that it's and it’s not going to end very well… But at least they're not trap forever in the nightmare like some, so it could be worse ��, Kos had some mercy. I like created funny hc but I got some really angsty and tragic one too T_T Even if I wonder why I made myself suffered I'm really proud of what I came up with for Caryll, and the impact it had on other characters.

And i will stop there i think. It’s a good introduction for now ! I have still so much to tell but another day x)

[katyspersonal]

WASN’T THAT MICO COMIC GOOD?? Did you see the little hints about Rom in the first two parts? I loved that so much and it fits so well with our ideas about them being siblings. I’m so obsessed with the idea that Rom ascended unexpectedly and left Micolash behind, which sort of sent him spiraling into further madness. If I remember right, you have different ideas, but the sibling thing is mutual!! Idk, there’s something so natural feeling about. Kos choosing Rom and Mico being left in the dust, only to go crazy trying to play catch up. I love these characters.

And unhinged madman Micolash is the best. It was so nice to see him in character <3

That comic with Micolash going full psycho mode on a poor Choir member is just...

I mean there was also the sheer agony of seeing that comic was made in 2016, I feel like Micolash is hardly ever portrayed that way anymore. Maybe Rom decided to also hide the secret of his depraved, mad personality from humanity for a good measure so now everyone blissfully sees him as the cutest blorbo that isn't dangerous at all? heheh; /lh

Also YES for the siblings headcanon club! I honestly just came up with it based on this line:

It felt like it had to be them based on various tiny things! Each Brain Fluid has different description, and this particular one drops from a female just-head patient guarded by the black Church Doctor doctor! However it doesn't feel for me like THEY are the mysterious brother and sister, since black doctors are lower rank and I feel someone that discovered Arcane has to be the white doctors rank. Lore does say that black ones dispose of "failures" but the white ones are who experiment! Besides, that head calls for Maria for a comfort which is odd if her brother is RIGHT here?

My latest idea on how the things happened came from not knowing in canon where did OoK's umbilical cord go! So here is the timeline:

🎀 Byrgenwerth obtains OoK's cord after Fishing Hamlet massacre, along with other things, Willem is unsure of how to make the best use of it but intends to investigate its features

🎀 Rom casually goes, 'Wait but if we don't know, why won't we ask his mother? o:' and nobody has a heart to tell her Kos was murdered and cord wasn't "just found laying somewhere" (Caryll attempts to say something but the whole class gives him killer glare). However, this exact question gives Micolash an idea, as the only one who figured by now that every single thing Rom says, even if naive/dumb one, tends to be worth of considering (fate foreshadowing much?)

🎀 He steals the cord and has a hunch to call Rom with him to attempt a ritual of beckoning spirit of Kos with it, trying his hardest to ensure her he wants no harm but instead to advance humanity in the way no such terrible thing can happen again

💦 Kos blesses Rom with eyes, thus making her 'Patient Zero' brain fluids of which could be used to transmit to other people with the water; Micolash gets no eyes but weird telepathic connection with her - similar to Willem/Ebrietas, Izzy/Fauna and... whatever strange thing went down between Ludwig, Laurence and Flora. Being the will of a Great One in mortal world is the closest analogy I could give.

(I have an idea that after this point the eyes of siblings change from brown to arcane blue... Because Micolash's face data oddly has brown eyes, but his cut-scene model has blue)

💦 Willem is angry when he discovers the insane plan the two pulled, but can't deny that despite being crazy it was genius. (Except he fucking can because Micolash is cursed with never having his contributions acknowledged). But this encounter is not only the root for Research Hall antics, but also for Laurence learning that grieving Great One moms can be beckoned by a child's cord!

💦 Research Hall gets a different formal leader in stand of Willem however in actuality everything there is manipulated by Micolash from the shadows, Insight-granting brain fluids found within Rom's spinal cord quickly become mass distributed and created in large quantity (of course at the expense of other humans), but instead of true progress, it seems like patients are merely suffering witnessing horrors of the Deep Sea. Micolash is THE cruel mad doctor everyone is terrified to get under treatment of, always yelling at patients for being 'useless cowards' upon failure after failure to reach deeper into Sea and giving them more 'water' than they could handle (and always using Adeline as a model patient example -_-)

💦 Some patients discover the alternative - ones reaching for cursed Amygdalae knowledge become Gardens of Eyes (to later to be taken in Byrgenwerth), others discovering the 'stars' to give Blacksky Eyes and some live to become Living Failures. However...

sjdsahdsgs no, no, sorry, but seriously tho, Maria was soon to suspect that something is wrong and the "progress" with the Sea doesn't seem to be... a good faith, to say the least. That was true; Micolash knows just what Kos wants, remember? Hunter's Nightmare is meant for HUNTERS, yet patients, innocent victims, are there too! And that was Micolash's fault; during his procedures, he'd ensure that combining their sheer terror with arcane would make them good fundament to ensure the creation of the Nightmare, as Kos was weak and her wish alone was not enough. (not saying he didn't still genuinely wish to learn more about the Sea from them...)

💦 Maria begs Brador to get a word out for her because Healing Church would LISTEN to him, and it works out in the end. Micolash is striped of his influence, along the lines of the Church re-purposing itself to seek the abandoned Ebrietas and focusing on the 'stars' for good, much to Micolash's resentment.

☄️ Speaking of resentment! His envy and bitterness towards Rom were increasing, largely based off the fact that Kos chose her as knowledge-bearer, not him. Around this time, he was to take the pain and anger about his failures out on her, rejecting her as a sister, calling her names, asking why Kos picked him as the one to ruin human lives and not Rom because 'you did just fine having ruined MINE!' and so on.. She never was ready to hear something like this from the brother that she was looking for her entire life and idealised. That caused Rom's attempted s*icide by downing way too much liquid, and she had another communion with Kos - never knowing whether it was just a dream or she did go somewhere that day. It was attempt of Kos to truly adopt her as a child upon her pain of 'no longer having family', that Rom rejected because she was unwilling to abandon humanity without even trying to help them against the mess they got themselves into. However, that still gave Rom absolutely unique Insight and properties (and gave her those strange tails).

☄️ Micolash was able to restore his presence and status in Healing Church's 'nerds' faction (that was only Choir by that time) by presenting Rom and her new abilities! Like 'look, I can not only ruin patients, but give them skills none of you can dream about, right? :)' . Rom became the head of the Choir, and the best way to communicate with Ebrietas, especially since Caryll was gone by then.

☄️ Rom's precedent also became an inspiration for the Choir to use little orphaned children to beckon the hearing ear of the Great Ones the best! She had intellectual disability* making her as naive as a child, and just like Micolash, she was an orphan herself. So like... why not use people with the same features, right? Pure naive mind, combined with yearning for a parent.

🕷️ In uncertain time, Rom reconnected with Patches and was able to seek selling herself to Amygdalae - ensuring her association as a 'Spider' despite connection to all three kinds of the divine. It was done under encouragement of Micolash, as Amygdalae knew the secrets most forbidden, all about immortality, splitting soul and body, true nature of the 'Moon' behind the 'Stars', and much more.

🕷️ Micolash would eventually separate from the Choir and have his own faction, researching the forbidden and knowledge basically opposing the 'stars'! Some left with him, like our friends Damian or Iosefka! Depending on the timeline, Edgar would either fake leaving the Choir with him to be the secret agent, or only appear later after Mico's leaving and...

🕷️ Rom, however, would stay in touch with him - especially through various reflective surfaces. And because she could use bodies of water to hide things, when Choir provided her a whole giant puddle in where Altar of Grief is now. She would secretly help, down to coordinating his cultists to be undetected, helping him with directions and... reviving body of Queen Yharnam (and Mergo that got fused with her womb, an actual thing happening irl). So the cord of her (eternally) infant could be taken...

And... this is where I get lost. x) No, honestly. I am not sure how she became a true Great One. Since Altar of Grief has her petrified body but we fight her in the lake (astral) and dungeons (physical), I presume she has the same body-soul split as Queen Yharnam, but... how?

I have this scene in my head where Fauxsefka discovers all the lies, secrets and twists Rom was pulling all along, and how she was helping Micolash all along, and how there is now a perpetual ritual to beckon Bloodmoon that was obscured. Naturally she exposes her before everyone, asks her how much Rom truly knew and said nothing, calls her a twisted monster (with only Julie getting defensive). And Rom is not able to explain her motivations, or how she had to play the slow game because Choir people were not ready for harsh truth about the world, nor they had the same approach as Micolash.. She just cannot deliver her point at all, and both ascends and soon turns into stone out of raw panic and despair. She was willing to escape the uncomfortable situation, and she is an idiot god that doesn't realise the extent of her powers, so... this happens. It'd put a permanent tension between Fauxsefka and Julie, that will only truly break later when they have to work together upon return to Byrgenwerth. Also Micolash would probably comment how undergoing something as extreme as becoming a god for a 'dumb' reason was a very Rom thing to do, ahaha.

But yeah, for all I know it could be something else? I just gotta agree with Micolash here - it IS a her thing to do, to accomplish something incredible without trying over a very humane reason.

And I totally agree that he was jealous. And... well, I guess he also did resent her for rejecting Kos' offer. She rejected something Micolash wants above everything else (being Kos' surrogate baby) for the sake of something he has nothing but disdain for (the humanity). He had to hate her, we know this much </3 On the other hand, it is things like this that make me slightly regret picking the siblings idea, because can you even comprehend how much drama it'd contain as a romantic ship, and how satisfying the happy alternative would be?

But heyyyyy, the story makes sense, right? This is kind of more important! Because I do not have feelings, only logic, right- right...? sighhhhhh

Anyways, you didn't really ask for this, but the ask felt prompting enough, so here are my thoughts on the timeline and the story! Would like to hear yours!

[the1975attheirverybest]

They are very much part of my upbringing and my culture whether I like it or not. It's a very intricate subject and I did a poor job at explaining it, but I get what Matty means.

// omfg @steel-elle (cant tag but holy shit, do I get you)

As a Croatian I can relate to all of your experiences, to the point where my dad is a non-believer (I believe he would say he's an atheist, but imo he is more in the pursuit of understanding and knowing instead of belief/religion). And my mum is a believer but on a very mild level (we go to church for the big holidays, mostly as a tradition nowadays).

But I myself have been saying I'm culturally catholic in the sense of upbringing and basically everything that surround me. Religion as class in school (from ages 7-15; then I took ethics in high school), religion all around, and I just started rejecting it very early on (I was about 10-11) - becauseee basically I was going to get the first communion sacrament (fancy), and at the age of 9 to be allowed to do this i had to;

Go to religion classes once (maybe even twice my memory is hazy) a week IN SCHOOL (secular state my ass)

Go to religion classes in church once a week (after school)

You HAD to be present at both, you couldn't opt out at school and say I'm going to church things. It had to be both.

Sing in a choir - even though choir practices coincided with my acting classes I had to alternate for a whole year (surely God would have wanted me to). And wasn't even a type of child who would sing solos, I was one of 20ish others just singing in the background. My acting on the other hand - spectacular (for a 9 year old at least).

I wasn't allowed to miss choir practice without a valid reason.

Had to go to specific Sunday mass even if I had volleyball games, or if we were out of town my mum had to explain we were idk on a family trip and I would have to go to another time-slot in the week.

So that was the academic from age 9-10. And of course once communion has been squared away I wanted to not go, like this was it for me. The bs that started it all was me having to miss my drama classes. And I wanted to stop going to religion classes in school, my parents supported me, but thw nun(!!) who would come in to teach saw me in school hallway twice within first two weeks of school and basically said she was "disappointed in me" and idk implied goinf to hell. So I went back home distraught and asked my mum to like get me into religion classes bcs it was the better option.

Anyway, I've got a weird religion/catholic kink now so the jokes on them.

Best religious experience was that I went to a full on catholic kindergarten and that was amazing. (probably did not help the kink tho). But it was very light and easy going, we had funky lil childrens prayers, and listened to stories about how we can do kind deeds n shit.

(sorry this is so long but I read the words religious discourse or see the word catholic and my brain just... needs to join)

Don’t apologize at alllllll!!! This is really really interesting for me to learn actually. And it’s a way for all of us to collectively expand and explain the notion of culture vs theology or religious practice that Matty hinted at.

And I think it varies so much from one country to another too! Like you guys (Italy and Croatia) have a different experience than me/ in the US. I was talking to Ambrose @bookish-strawberry about it last night, but I feel like England is very chill about atheist and it feels like the norm whereas in the US, even though the constitution says “freedom of religion” and separation between church and state, government is VERY fearful of atheism AND tons of Republican lawmakers use the Bible as a justification. (Which is the opposite of what the country is supposed to be founded on but that’s a whole other thing.) so my experiences with religion and culture here are very very different from y’all. And then my own personal beliefs as a Muslim existing in an Islamophobic country. All of this is super clarifying and interesting to hear how others around the world have experienced this stuff! I love it when you all chime in!

[hiimzzzz]

Autobiography

I was born during the summer, on the 10th day of March 2004 in the busy city of Las Pinas. We are three siblings in the family and I was the third. Unfortunately, my brother Ruzel died when he was still an infant. I was raised by my grandparents from my father's side because my parents have to work for the betterment of our family, they say. I grew up a typical way, Ido what other children would do but I didn't grow close and open to my family. Maybe it's because of the different treatment of my parents between me and my brother, Selwyn. I was always left behind during vacation trips because someone had to be at home to feed the dogs and take care of our grandmother from my mother's side. It was tough but I don't really mind it, after all, that's the thing that changed me, shaped me, and made me become the Zandrew I am today. Fast forward to when I started my high school life, I experienced the sign of coming of age and of course, I experienced my first love. It was so cruel and chaotic but I am thankful that it happened because it also help me become what I am now. There I developed the thinking that sometimes, something is just too cruel for us to have so it'll leave. Sometimes, things will not go the way we planned them and we have to accept that fact. That is also the time when I learned how to play the guitar. I used a youth choir guitarist but my way of playing the instrument does not really match up, it was more of a rock and roll manner. I was forced to quit the choir because of the way I played during that one mass. But that did not stop me from playing the guitar because I often play songs at school with my other classmates and I was part of a school band. The year was 2017 and during the month of November, my father got sick with tuberculosis. He was immediately brought to the hospital near their office. He stayed at the intensive care unit for almost one month because his condition was so bad. That is the time when I experienced the holiday season alone, the Christmas and New Year passed by without a single glimpse of happiness. He got discharged in January 2018 and started recovering for 6 months before going back to work. Days passed by and the year 2019 came, the year the COVID-19 pandemic started. It was my birthday when the quarantine started, it was only a one-week suspension that turns out to be years. At first, it was hard because I can't do the things that I always do but then I find ways to do something just to erase boredom. I experienced online and modular classes during my last grade as a junior high school student, it was something foreign to a student because we are used to always going to school every day. I accepted academic commissions that got me paid 500 pesos per quarter. I graduated with honors and applied as a senior high school student at Emilio Aguinaldo College - Cavite. I am currently enjoying my last year as a high school student and college life is around the corner. This is very tiring because I joined too many extracurricular activities, I am part of the school press which is The Emilian Chronicler, I also played basketball for HUMSSstrandduringourintramurals and now I am playing for SHS12, I am also playing for a band that will perform in our school for an event. My life is a busy life but I still enjoy the things I do because I enjoy exploring different things. I do have a lot of dreams and a lot of other things I wanted to do, I guess I am an explorer. Things that happened to me since I was a child are the things that made me up today, I am thankful for everything because it will not be the same if something was missed. I still have a long way to go and I am sure that there will be a lot of things that will shape me and help me shape my adult figure.

[evelyne-am]

13th March 2023.

Hi folks. I’m going to have to make this really short. It’s been a long time that I have felt that something new is coming upon me. I love music to death and it is most certainly my life’s Destiny but ever since I left Boston I was searching for something to dream about. My work as a musician is beautiful and fulfilling and incredible but it was my reality, it was no longer something I imagined in a mirror as a dream. And over the years when I couldn’t find solace in music sometimes because it was my everyday job, I found it in stories. Especially in the pandemic I would stay up till 6 am every night watching shows and films reading about actors and analysing what I was feeling when I watched things happen. A part of me thinks that I finally found something that I loved as much as music, or probably in a very different way. Another part of me was frustrated with the way society had instantly cancelled my career and my industry the second the pandemic hit as if we were dispensable, we were not essential goods so our services could be instantly paused and we could go to hell, I thought about quitting music completely and all forms of arts and doing something else. But one day without any expectations of actually doing anything I Tried to get into some classes in acting, most of them were full, the one I wanted to at SPARDHA esp, so I Enrolled in my second choice, partially because the music industry was shut in a pandemic and partially because I was curious. In all honesty I didn’t enjoy it. theatre is deep and intellectual, and unlike the music that I listen to, the films and TV that I watch are less on that side, and more about common life, common folk. At one point I quit the program and the play we were doing because I was called into Coke Studio and tho i regretted not finishing the program I was okay with leaving the course and returning to the music industry which had just opened up again. In the process of the last one and a half years I have full fledged come back to work and been doing music with my band, my choir, and even remotely. But I had a little inkling, that I tried something and I never went through. I kept my interest in going to a few plays though, but only that of SparDHA, whom I felt were the brilliant ones in this country.

While working on BONOBIBI in Coke Studio, members of SPARDHA were involved and my Choir and I were in awe (they did the bonobibi part choreo) and I thought wow how amazing thoughtful artistic and professional are these people?

In Jan I was called into a meeting to ask if I were interested in doing an acting project/musical (more on that later) and it sparked my old head again. Then later In February I was supposed to go to Los Angeles to attend the Grammy awards, and for multiple reasons including my getting Covid I did not go last minute. I wont deny that incident wasn’t hard, but there was something inside me that knew there was something more to me not going to Los Angeles.. That is when I found SPARDHA starting their classes again, and without hesitation I don’t know why I just jumped in. Just fresh out of Covid I was doing one or two shows again and it was the day of Coke Studio launch, I am dressed up from head to toe just performed in front of 10,000 people for the first time in many years, when I went to give my audition for the workshop.

The traffic on that day was horrendous and I took a bike and 2 rickshaw and walked from the craziest place of this university in the middle of the highway to the Audition..I was bursting in adrenaline, it was showing on my face. And when my audition was happening I was asked are you interested in theatre, I said no. I said I’m here to learn a skill, I’m here to grow myself as a performer but theatre is not what I want to do. I was told that even if I didn’t do theatre, the course that I was doing was gruelling and tough and was about theatre, there was no room for anyone who came with ego or other forms of preconceived notions even for actors who are doing this. I was asked if I could do the work. I said 100%, work is something that I can do. I was told that this workshop is essentially for people who will be in their next production so they will not be encouraging me to take this course and take it at a later time when it is directed towards acting only and not theatre. It was Valentine’s Day, those who saw me after knew that I was actually enjoying the fact that one hour ago I was jumping up and down with university students launching Coke Studio second season, and then I was being sad that something again in this new dream that I had tried to make for myself doesn’t work out. I was sad but specially because I was looking for something new to happen in my life after that all was over and I wanted to run away from the Grammy thing, t(hat’s something I may write about some other day (or in my memoirs maybe,) but I spent my evening actually going through the emotion of the extreme high and the extreme sort of Drop that I felt. I had said canceled going to Singapore, a place where I had lived as a child when my father works there and ever since a lot of things have happened I have been yearning to go there to feel close to my dad, but because of the course dates I had booked myself only to Thailand with friends later instead of doing this introspective Singapore trip, still I told myself it was okay.

The next day I started planning to book up my days again, there was a potential gig, some studio work that I had left to do but before I booked anything I called one of the members of the group that I knew from working in Coke Studio with us, and I said when are you going to give us the answers, and he said within a few hours, I said with him how sad I felt that The Audition indicated that once again I would not get a chance in the workshop (this is the same one that I had tried for in 2021 and did not get in.) he doesn’t so much just said to wait. Needless to say I got in.

On the first day it was truly gruelling physical work my post covid body could not take it. I came home and collapsed, the second day I pushed again and I got dizzy and almost fell in class. That’s when I had to reveal to one of the facilitators that I am fairly out of Covid, and that I would take steroids

(How I had gotten through my Brac students gig during my Covid.) to come back to class the next day. She told me, try boiled eggs and Saline, and my doctor actually said the same thing and my friend Doctor suggested juice. On day three I went fully prepared boiled eggs juice a line, the works. And when I was in class I was in that bloody class. Strangely taking the workshop healed my Covid somehow, it had been weeks that I was able to exert physical strength but when I was there there was nothing that was just me giving my hundred percent. Physically was not the issue at all, it was the mental part. I am a phone addict, my attention span is horrible, I am restless. but I wrote to my sister: those five hours a day that I didn’t have access to my phone, made me so clear about so many things that I’m always struggling with. Like decisions and emotions. I Ended the course on top of the world, almost yearning for more but felt really grateful that in the middle of so many theatre people (on the last day they were asked who felt what kind of difference in the acting in the workshop, and I was the only one who said I don’t have an answer because I’ve never done it before.) That I got to learn something even in its basics even knowing that I just learnt the list of things that I don’t know. I was off to Thailand and feeling really centred when I found out that Sir was going to do one more workshop on voice and speech. And I thought well if I did that there would be aspects of it that I already knew but I was saying to a friend that the way that this incredible teacher has made me feel as a way that I’ve not felt in a long time, I would take a course where he’s teaching to cook rice. Anyway in this course I felt sick again and actually had to go out of the class one day and straight to the doctors. I know the drill, I am s director myself; when I see the weak links I know that they are not going to be the ones that can sustain for long periods of extreme rehearsals, and I was sad that Sir saw me at my post Covid time when I was not 100% and actually i felt he will start to ignore me as the weak link. At the end of this course everyone was discussing new production and how everyone can be involved; in terms of working backstage helping publicity, I assumed that the participants of the actual play were selected. But suddenly I was invited to a conversation talking about if I wanted to do the production. This was 10th March night. The production goes in to 14th March i.e. tomorrow. On 11th March I called the facilitator and I said are you serious are you looking for me to help out with the background score, and she said so he’s going to have a meeting with you tomorrow. I know the schedule; it’s three months of every day, and so I too was feeling all sorts of nerves, and I just started speaking to all my friends are usually take advice from. All my three friends (shawki sharmin and tanmoy) and my sister had nothing else to say but Armeen,yes. (Well my sister calls me Bubu so she said Bubu. Also she said “i dont think u can say no”. Which made me realise ive already said yes.)

That night, the night before I was supposed to have a meeting with Sir to talk about my role, I get an SMS saying you do not need to have said meeting “apni dol ey achen 14th march shokal 8:30 theke rehearsal” (which translates to “ you are in the group.”)

Friends. Don’t know what will happen. If I will last the whole 3 mknths, or a week if I am just singing 2 lines or there to for helping out.. But “ami doley achi” and I’ve opened this new space to document the brilliant Syed Jamil Ahmed and Spardha through my eyes as someone from a blank slate. (Soz that was not short :P )

[thedaveandkimmershow]

As adults, we move through Christmastime fueled by nostalgia and tradition: music we listened to and still listen to; classic films we watched and still watch; habits we had and still have... ish.

A lot of how we experience the season is colored by the experience we already had... with most of the emphasis on that first decade of Christmas awareness when Santa Claus was absolutely, unequivocally for real.

Another X factor in my experience, though, boils down to the performing arts: plays, choirs, and concerts. Growing up, my grade school Decembers were about prepping for the coming Christmas concert or Christmas play. Which is a lot of preparation, a lot of immersion in, for example, A Christmas Carol (speaking as a former Ghost of Christmas Past), learning lines learning lines and learning lines then table reads then rehearsals then dress rehearsals until the actual shows.

On the choral side, same deal. In this case, it wasn't only committing text to memory but also music to memory. In my case, the boy's part. Then much later, the tenor part. Then weeks of rehearsing until dress then final performances.

It was the same routine all through Jr. High although I don't remember any drama classes... only choir.

High school it was also all music with more performing outside of school (the Christmas Ship that one year).

My point though, is that the performing arts experience all through those school years served to marinate us in the text of Christmas, the music of the holiday, the stories and traditions of the season all gloriously wrapped in Christmas music everywhere as well as holiday classics in film and television.

Those days are long passed, of course. We're no longer immersed in that way we used to be. All that marinating, though, colored our Christmastimes for years to come. Each one is additive to all the ones that came before and serve as the basis for the following Christmastime and the following Christmastime and the following. We do still bask in the music, films, and television, both classic and new, that continue coloring the season with memories, traditions, and best wishes. And we have our own traditions, put together piece by piece through the years.

In a way, though, it's the music and dramatic performances that carry this holiday season, propell our earliest Christmastimes through the years, through the decades, from our childhoods on through to these days when we can imagine ourselves having armchair conversations with St. Nick himself.

Comparing notes.

And definitely comparing lists.

😉

[jlonejacketwthe30out]

class location visit !!!!! to the serpentine north/south galleries - 18.10.24 💐

augh man… this was a nice day.

i rarely ever go to this part of london because it’s very out of the way from places i’m normally at.

and .. not to talk like it’s important but growing up in hackney and then now living in the lesser funded part of enfield,,,,,,, and then just spending the afternoon in south kensington… the shock of it all never gets old.

but anyway!!! i was late - missed a train and got a bit lost in my walk to the gallery, through the beautiful kensington gardens - which was my very first time visiting 😯

got to do a bit or nature identification too, since i found a patch or crazy looking mushrooms and water birds and stuff like that - rlly nice ^^

but my first exhibition was the north gallery, The Call, displaying the concept of an AI choir. which allowed for some really interesting discussions about religion and the cultures of church, as is perceived and understood by something intrinsically non human.

i was pretty enthralled by it all, in a sense of how uncanny it all was for me. but also beautiful. haunting even 🧟 a very unique and unfamiliar experience.

i had a lot of thoughts abt it, which some have left me now sadly. but i can’t forget the feelings of how, almost human and ancient it felt in the way real religious sites often do, while still being very different.

there was even an interactive element to this, where in small groups we could enter a room, sing continuously into a mic and have a generated choir singing back.

a VERY ethereal experience. but so … 🫨 disorienting

again, the nature of churches as i have experienced them is to invite people and to potential new believers; somewhere to soothe and coax maybe.

but the included ai element makes this feel so. it makes me wonder about the nature of belief and devotion. worship is an act of faith, faith in what you know and believe over what can be seen.. but ai cannot necessarily be seen……. at least not here, only in context.

not relevant. but there’s lots to think about once i start thinking about it. think on that some. 🥸

after this, i made my way back to the south gallery for the Emajendat exhibit. which itched my brain just as nicely as the first did 🤗

i saw it as almost a love letter to the artists heritage and her hometown in south central los angeles. as a fan of the p-funk genre, it was super colourful and lucid - different rooms focusing more on different aspects of her culture.

i would like to mention the presence of protestant christianity in african american culture especially. there is something so special about the black church and its culture within. a nice contrast to be aware of again ^^

something felt very shrine-like here, in an interesting comparison to the first exhibit i saw. reverence of a god, or the nature of humanity’s displays of adoration towards godly figures. and then reverence towards a lived experience, a shared and cherished culture, and one that i, through identity and aesthetic, very easily related to and enjoyed 😊

going into both of these blind, i was very happy to learn how specifically black focused the art in this one was. in comparison to the supposed/expected raceless nature of both religion and AI.

while bearing in mind that AI can only learn from what humanity has already produced (the whole point) there is something very eurocentric in the art of the call, as expected with western portrayals of religion, jesus being a fair, blue eyed brunette etc. while the references to the black church in my latter visit almost directly contrast this, if not displaying what it’s like to be steeped in religion in a cultural sense, rather than the more sterile and puritan european/catholic church, and what exactly is even being revered or worshipped, if that makes sense.

‼️‼️ just my opinion though ‼️‼️

i had. so many intertwining thoughts and feelings about these both. definitely left a rlly nice impression on me and i don’t doubt i’ll probably return to this as reference soon