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mosylufanfic · 4 years ago

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What Happened at the Party

Bwhahahahaaha. This is for the Breakup theme.

What Happened at the Party

When she saw the familiar little green car, Caitlin felt her stomach lurch. Her friend Iris, who'd driven up at the same time as her, gave her a worried glance. "You gonna be okay?"

"Fine!" Caitlin said breezily. "Fine."

"Uh . . . huh," her friend mumbled. "Look, if you just want to stay for a little while, Barry would totally understand."

"It's been a year since Cisco and I broke up," Caitlin said. "We dated for a year. You know there's that formula where you grieve the end of a relationship for half the length of time the relationship lasted?"

"I mean, that's like a guideline, really, " Iris said.

"Okay, a guideline. By that guideline, I'm well beyond the grieving period and I'll be just fine."

"If you say so."

The door opened and Barry lit up, swooping in to kiss Iris. Caitlin, well used to their grand romantic gestures, waited patiently until they came up for air. "Hi, Barry," she said.

"Hi," he said, eyes zeroing in on the dish she carried. "Oooohhhh. Pie?"

"Mmhm. Chocolate peanut butter."

"Nice," Barry said. "Okay! So! Fun fact. Cisco's here."

"It's okay," Caitlin said. "I saw his car."

"And he brought somebody."

Caitlin's stomach dropped.

"Wait," Iris said, holding up a hand. "This is Cisco. He's friendly. He's probably introduced you to half the people here today. Did he bring somebody or did he bring somebody?"

Barry looked baffled for a moment. "Whichever one means he has a new girlfriend?"

Caitlin felt her stomach go ice-cold.

"Oh shit," Iris said. "Babe, you didn't tell me he was dating someone new."

"He said it's only been a couple of weeks, so they're all kissy and huggy and snuggly -"

Iris hissed at him and turned to Caitlin. "Should we hate her? We can hate her."

"No," Caitlin said. "I'm sure she's very nice. Cisco's always had good taste in partners, mostly." She hesitated.

"This isn't a Lisa situation," Barry said promptly. "I checked. No Lisa vibe."

"See?" Caitlin said. "No Lisa vibe. What's she like?"

"Uh, her name is Kamilla, and she's like a photographer, I think? Oh, and she's vegan. That's all I got."

Caitlin mustered up a smile. "Great."

Barry cocked his head. "Great, like, you think she sounds awful and that's great? Or -"

"Look, I still care about Cisco and I want him to be happy. So great means great. I'll go out there and I'll say hello, and I'll meet her, and it'll be - "

"Great?" Iris suggested.

"Fine," Caitlin said firmly.

They looked at her doubtfully.

"I can handle this, guys, I promise. It won't be like last year. Thank you for the heads-up, Barry." She lifted her pie. "Usual place?"

"Yeah, you know where it is," he said, waving her through.

He turned to Iris. "You think this is going to be okay?"

"Hard to say," she said. "And by the way, honey, we need to work on your definition of fun fact."

Caitlin dropped off her pie at the dessert table and circulated through the party, smiling and greeting people she knew. She chatted with someone about their new dog, another person about their job, a third person about the weather.

The whole time, some internal radar was zeroed in on the man across the backyard. Who he was talking to. How he laughed. The bright smile on his face.

How his arm had never left its spot around the waist of the cute girl cuddled up to his side.

As far as she could tell, he didn't even know she was here.

Which was fine by her.

"Hmmm?" she said, vaguely aware that someone had asked her a question.

"I said I'm surprised you came," Sara repeated. "After what happened last year."

"Nice," said her girlfriend.

"What? I'm just saying. It was kind of a blowout."

Caitlin grimaced. "I know. Cisco and I had been on the rocks for a few weeks but that was - " She shook her head. "We should have saved that fight for home." She gripped her elbows and raised her chin. "But we agreed, after we broke up, that we wouldn't put Iris or Barry in the middle of things and we could be cordial to each other, which is what we're doing."

"Okayyyyy," Sara mumbled and took a drink.

It wasn't as if their breakup was the only thing that had ever happened at Barry's annual birthday bash, Caitlin thought, making her excuses and going off to say hi to someone else. She and Cisco had also met here, five years ago. The click had been immediate, almost audible. They'd made plans to hang out within minutes of meeting, had been fast friends by the end of the week.

And two years ago, they'd kissed for the first time - there, around the side of the house where it was quiet and green and smelled like roses.

But Sara was right. Last year, it had all fallen apart.

Sometimes Caitlin tried to track where or how their relationship had collapsed. After all, they'd been good friends for three years before they started dating. But what had been so good at the start had turned bad so gradually that before she knew it they were fighting more than they were talking and the thought of him made her stomach knot instead of bringing a smile to her face.

Then she'd said those terrible words, under that tree right there, where she'd dragged him so they wouldn't be fighting in the middle of the party: "You know what, maybe I don't even want to be with you anymore."

And he'd said the equally terrible words: "Maybe I don't either."

Then it had been all icy silences and stiff texts letting him know that his stuff was on her porch and he could leave hers in its place. Such an awful end to something that had been the best part of her life for so long. Sometimes she thought she missed the friendship as much as she missed the romantic relationship.

The smell of the grill tempted her in its direction, and she was almost there when she realized with a lurch of horror that Cisco and his new girlfriend - what was her name? Kamilla, that was it - were already walking up.

She thought about running in the other direction.

But this would have to happen sometime, and she was hungry, and it was best to get it over with now instead of later. Especially since later, it might be just them, and she didn't know if she could grit her teeth and act cordial without other people around them. At least it was just Barry, who was running the barbecue grill, and if she slipped up he wouldn't blame her.

"Hey, Barry," Kamilla said. "Can you put on a veggie dog for me?"

Cisco hugged her closer. "Go ahead and put one on for me too."

She turned a beaming face toward him. "Babe! You don't have to."

"Yeah, babe, but I wanna kiss you later and you don't like the taste of meat."

She giggled. "Baaaabe."

"Hey, Caitlin," Barry said rather loudly. "Your usual?"

"Yes, thank you," she said, pretending not to notice that Cisco had jerked like someone had tasered him. "Oh, Cisco, hi. I was wondering if I'd see you here today."

Barry coughed, although that could have been some smoke getting blown in his face, and tossed a turkey patty next to the two veggie dogs.

"Hey, Caitlin," Cisco said. Was it her imagination, or did he grip Kamilla's waist a little tighter? "When did you get here?"

"A little while ago," Caitlin said. She smiled at Kamilla. "Hi, I'm Caitlin."

"Kamilla," Cisco's new girlfriend said, smiling back. "So how do you know each other?"

Cisco jumped in. "She’s - ah - she's an old - we dated for about a year."

Clearly, this was new information to Kamilla, from the way the smile on her face went rigid for a split second. But Caitlin had to give her props for recovery. "Hi, Caitlin," she said. "Nice to meet you. So when was this? In high school?"

"Nope," she said. "We broke it off - what, Cisco, about a year ago now?" She was proud of herself for the breeziness in her tone.

"Mmm, yeah, about that," he said, as if he hadn't stormed out of this exact party and she hadn't gone inside to cry in the bathroom for an hour.

"Oh," Kamilla said, sounding only a little bit strangled.

Had he seriously not warned her that Caitlin was going to be here? Or maybe he hadn't given it, or her, a single thought since they broke up. Caitlin considered glaring at him, but thought it might get misinterpreted.

"Well!" Kamilla said. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too! How did you meet?"

"Oh, he came into the bar where I work," Kamilla said, beaming at Cisco. "I thought he was going to spend the whole night hitting on college girls but he spent it talking to me."

"So you're a bartender?"

"Day job," Kamilla said. "I'm actually a photographer."

"You should see her work," Cisco said. "It's really artistic."

"That's so interesting! Do you sell any?"

"Just a few prints online, a little stock photography, you know. But I'm hoping to get a show someday. What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a research scientist," Caitlin said.

"Oh," Kamilla said rather faintly. Was she bored or intimidated? Caitlin had gotten both. "Neat! Researching what?"

"My focus right now is on gene therapies that can hopefully stall or reverse the progress of multiple sclerosis."

Cisco's eyes lit. "Seriously? That's great, I know you wanted to get into that area."

Warmth spilled through her chest, and she smiled at him. He'd always been like this, even at the end. "Yes, I was really happy to get assigned to that project."

"How is your dad doing these days?"

"He's using his cane a lot more lately, but he's also on a new medication that's really helping with his fatigue." She glanced at Kamilla and explained, "My dad has MS."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Kamilla said in that particular hushed, funereal way people had when they'd never had to think about chronic illness even once.

Caitlin kept her smile pasted on. "It’s okay. He's had it all my life. It's just something we've always lived with, as a family."

She thought about asking after Cisco's parents, but at that moment, Barry chirped, "Veggie dogs up!"

He held out two plates to Cisco and Kamilla, their dogs bunned up and ready to go. "Caitlin, it's going to be a few more minutes for yours."

"Oh, sure," Caitlin said. "That's fine."

"Let's go hit the potluck table, babe," Cisco said.

"Oh yes!” Kamilla cried, with outsize enthusiasm given that she probably couldn’t eat ninety percent of the offerings. “Caitlin, it was nice to meet you."

"You too!" Caitlin said, and turned toward Barry. "So how is life at CCPD these days?"

He chatted with her about his job for a moment or two, then said in a low voice, "So that was okay."

"Sure," she said.

He looked sympathetic. "You want cheese?"

"No, I'm all right." She picked up a plate and held it out for her turkey burger, thinking well, that's over.

She sat on the steps of the deck, next to somebody she'd known in her grad program. They chatted about minor scandals in the science world and she ate her turkey burger in slow, careful bites, not tasting a single one.

She wandered by the potluck table, stood staring at the side salads and chips and veggie trays that people had brought. She took a carrot stick and laid it on her plate. It looked small and withered and alone.

So unbelievably alone.

She added a celery stick. That didn’t seem to help. She tipped them both into the trash and decided it was time for dessert.

The dessert table was in the kitchen, so she went inside, air-conditioned air washing around her. She wanted sugar, badly. Chocolate, cookies, popsicles, whatever people had brought that would rot her teeth and block the tears.

She checked on her pie and was gratified to see that her little sign saying "Contains peanuts!" was still there, and that one quarter of the pie was already gone. She had made two pies, leaving one at home in the fridge because she'd known how this would go, so she skipped over it and checked out what else was on offer.

Chocolate chip cookies. Individual ice cream cups in a cooler. Mini eclairs in their Costco box, still frozen in the center. A shining chocolate cake in a plastic carrying case. Yes, yes, all of it.

"Hey."

She looked over, then away, quickly. "Hi," she said a little overbrightly, to the parfait she was scooping onto her plate. Shit. He knew she ate sugar when she was upset. But she also liked desserts in general. Maybe she would get away with this.

He was alone. Where was Kamilla? Bathroom, maybe?

Act natural.

He said, "I, uh - "

"Which one did you bring?" He'd always liked cooking, trying out new things. Sometimes that had been a cause of friction, like when he used every pot in the kitchen and it turned out terrible and they'd wound up going to the drive-thru at nine o'clock at night.

"There," he said, pointing at a box with a clear plastic lid.

"Donuts!" she said.

"Mmhm. Kamilla and I made them together."

"Oh," she said.

They'd attempted to cook together a few times but since cooking was how she relaxed and disconnected, it hadn't gone well.

She opened the box. "Well, I've never had vegan donuts but I'm sure they'll be interesting."

His hand reached past hers and gently closed the box. For a moment, she thought, you don't even want me touching something you made with her? Then he said, "They're not great. Trust me."

“They can’t be that bad."

He shook his head, very solemn. "Vegan donuts are donuts of sadness," he said. "I have learned this."

"I'm sure there are some vegan donuts that are good."

"Proooooobably," he allowed. "But these are not it." He grinned at her, and instinctively, she smiled back.

"Okay," she said, leaving the box closed.

He chose a mini-eclair for himself and bit it in half. “So are you here with someone?”

She meant to say a simple no, but it came out as, “Oh, he was busy today.”

“Oh? He? Someone I know?"

She swallowed, panic bubbling up. “No, you wouldn't know him. I work with him.”

“Another Star Labs workaholic?”

That shouldn't have stung as hard as it did, but it brought back a nasty echo of their hissed fight over by the barbecue grill last summer, as he'd accused her of never having time for him. Her voice went chilly as she said, "He doesn't work at Star Labs and neither do I anymore. I took a job with Mercury."

"You? You left Star Labs? The most prestigious, well-paid research lab in the Midwest?" he asked, echoing what she’d always recited as reasoning for sticking with her job.

"I decided to value my mental health more than money and prestige. Mercury is much more supportive of their employees' work/life balance."

He blinked. “Wow, that’s - that’s great.”

She picked up a spoon and started scooping something out of a random bowl onto her plate. "So how are you? How are your parents?"

"I'm good," he said. "My parents are . . . they were good, the last I saw them."

She glanced at him quickly. Ever since she'd known him, he'd been at his parents' beck and call, running every time they texted. During that last terrible argument, she'd snapped back that he might see her more if he wasn't constantly canceling dates because his parents needed him. "Did they move?"

"No, I just, ah, I went low-contact with them. Haven't really talked to them in about - " He considered. "About a month now."

"Oh," she said, looking back at her plate. She'd gotten Chester's dreadful candy bar salad with the pineapple. Ugh. Gross. "Any - um - any particular reason?"

If he’d broken off contact with his parents because of Kamilla, after all the times his mother had been rude to Caitlin, calling her things in Spanish she wasn’t supposed to understand . . .

He laughed, but it held no mirth. "They stood me up for my birthday dinner because Dante needed help buying a car." He shrugged. "I kind of figured out that I was never going to be their favorite or their priority. No matter what I did."

She put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well . . ." he mumbled.

"It's their loss," she said. "Is it better for you?"

"Hurts like hell," he said. "But yeah. It's better."

"You seem happy," she said. "I mean, in general."

"I am."

"Good. I'm glad." She realized she was still holding shoulder, and removed it so she could portion herself some of Iris's ambrosia. "Kamilla's nice," she said brightly.

"She is! Yeah. She is."

"How long has it been?"

"Oh, like a month now? It's really good. I can see this going the distance, you know?"

She felt like she'd swallowed razor blades. "That's great."

He smiled at her. "Hey, you know what, we should double-date."

"We should what?"

"Yeah, me and Kamilla, you and your guy. We should grab dinner together or something."

"Oh. Well, actually - " He lives in London. He has a moral objection to eating out. He's in training to go to the moon. He - "We really aren't like that."

"Like what?"

"Dating. It's just . . . casual." She smiled. "You know? No strings attached kind of thing. When we've both got some free time and need to blow off steam."

He blinked a few times. "You? You have a fuck buddy."

She hated that term. It made her skin crawl. Cisco knew that perfectly well, so she just shrugged. "I guess you could call it that." She ate a grape out of the ambrosia, licking it clean of whipped cream and biting it in half. "Sorry, I don't think a nice foursome dinner is in our future. But it was nice seeing you."

She strolled off, hoping like crazy that Cisco didn't mention this fictitious casual sex partner of hers to anybody else.

She made herself do one more circuit of the backyard. She had no idea who she saw or what she said. She was focused on not looking like she was about to run away.

Even though she was.

Iris found her dumping her plate into the kitchen trash. "Heard the first face-to-face went down," she said. "You okay?"

"I came, I saw him, we were cordial. I survived," Caitlin said. "And if I go home and dive face-first into a pint of Cherry Garcia and a bottle of wine, that's nobody's business but my own."

Iris put her arm around Caitlin's shoulder and hugged her gently. "That whole grieving process guideline?"

"Whoever made that up is full of shit."

Some hours later, Barry dropped into the lawn chair next to Cisco. "Hey, man. You awake?"

"Yup," Cisco said, head tipped back, eyes closed. He swung his beer bottle lightly between his fingers. "Almost outta beer though."

Barry considered it. "How many of those have you had?"

Cisco tipped it up and drained it. "Almost enough."

"You okay to drive?"

"Mmmmmm. Might hafta crash on your couch. 'Zat okay?"

"You know it is." Barry nudged him. "You don't even have to use the couch. You and Kamilla can use the guest room."

"Mmmmm." Cisco dropped the bottle to the grass. "Sh'left."

"She what? She left?"

"Called an Uber. Kinda mad at me."

"Why?"

"Says I didn't give her a heads-up Caitlin was gonna be here. Or that we dated. Like, c'mon, we've only been together a week and a half. People have exes. It's a thing."

"Still, she might've appreciated the heads-up."

Cisco sighed. "Yeah, I guess, I just . . . I didn't wanna talk to her about Caitlin. It's like, sore. Who wants to talk about their last ex?"

"A lot of people," Barry said. "Especially when she's going to be at the same party, which you knew, cuz I told you."

Cisco sighed again, more heavily. "Okay, yeah, maybe you've got a point. I'll call her tomorrow and apologize. Plus she has nothing to be afraid of. Caitlin doesn't want me back." He swung his bottle again. "So wait, you know who this guy is?"

"What guy?"

"The guy she's dating now."

Barry cocked his head. "Kamilla?"

"Nnnnoooooooooo," Cisco drawled. "Kamilla's dating me. Caitlin's dating . . . some dude. Actually not dating. She's all like, 'ha-ha, we're not like that.' They're friends with benefits or something."

This was the first Barry had heard of it. He opened his mouth to say so when Cisco plowed on with the tenacity of the sloppy drunk.

"Which, what the hell, man? I suggested friends with benefits years ago and she was like no, I don't do that, it doesn't work for me, I need to be in a relationship. Took me another six months to man the fuck up and ask her out for realsies. Who's this guy that's getting her to settle for less than what she wants?" He wagged his finger in the air. "You! You should find out who he is, Bare. You should find out who he is and kick his ass."

Barry smiled at nothing. "You could kick his ass. I mean, you're the one who seems to think it should be done."

"C'mon, I can't do that, then everyone would say I was just jealous. M'not jealous. Just, she deserves better than, than, you know, some dude who just wants to get laid. Just like a friendly ass-kicking. C'mon."

"Okay, maybe."

"I'm not jealous. I'm with Kamilla."

"Mmmmhmm," Barry said, eating some pie. "I can tell. You're totally over Caitlin."

"Totally," Cisco said, and lifted his head, looking around blearily. "Hey, where'd m'beer go?"

FINIS

#Cisco Ramon #Caitlin Snow #killervibe #fanfiction #killervibeweek20 #mosylufanfic lives up to her damn name #breakup AU #bwahahahahahaha #the flash

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lokilickedme · 5 years ago

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Because things have been odd lately...

I know some people aren’t understanding my behavior in the last week or so. I know I’ve been “off”. I know I’ve been less interactive. I know some people have taken silence and lack of response on my part as something personal against them.

It’s not.

I’m going to tell you something. If you clicked and continued reading, then you care enough for this to matter, or you’re curious, or bored and looking for someone else’s drama to entertain you. It’s fine, I’m the same way.

But this is important, to me at least.

For the first time in my entire life I said five words that I never thought I would hear myself say, out loud, in my kitchen, in front of another human being. Granted, it was in the middle of some of the worst pain I’ve ever had, at the peak of one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had in ages. But I still said it, and I can’t stop thinking about it now.

Just five words. Five words I’ve never even said inside my head, much less out loud.

I wish I was dead.

A lot of you don’t know me apart from what I share with you online. Fandom stuff. Writing. Funny stories about my kids and pictures of whatever. But those of you that have gotten to know me a little bit beyond those things know that this, those five words up there, that isn’t me. Those words are not something you would ever hear me say, or even hint at. I’m not depressive. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or ideations, I never have. And I still don’t. But nothing stopped those words coming out of my mouth, no safe barrier flew up to prevent my tongue forming them, and now I can’t unhear them.

I don’t think I meant it. I know I didn’t. I think the wording of it is important - I didn’t say I want to die. I said I wish I was. I’m sure it had everything to do with the pain and the final frazzled unraveling of my nerves, because I’d felt for three days at that point like I was about to go full blown into a nervous breakdown. But when they hit my ears carried by my own voice, there was no stab of nervous panic at hearing them. Just sort of...

I don’t even know. I’m not going to go too far down that road, because I don’t think it ends anyplace I want to be.

This is where it starts, I think, at least the recent part of it. I’m not going to go back further to the obvious roots of an entire life of twisted bullshit because I’m actually dealing with that a lot better than this. And a lot of this likely won’t make sense to a lot of you - I’m sorry. Read on if you wish...if not, no hard feelings.

Most of you know a little bit about my oldest son, the one we call Big. You probably know him best as my witty smart longsuffering angel who copes on a daily basis with his trialsome frootloop of a younger brother. Some of you also know he has some struggles and that he’s come so far and done so much. You all know how proud I am of him. He’s my first, the one I nearly had to let go of before I ever knew him, the one I almost had to let go of myself for. He’s the one I’ve tried to carry to the far side of hell so he can step safely through the door onto cooler ground while my own feet are on fire.

I’m afraid I’m losing him. He has made profound, astounding leaps of development this year. But something has happened, and I don’t know what or why.

He’s suddenly regressing in some ways. He’s losing his ability to maintain eye contact, something that’s common for children with his wiring differences but that he’s never had a problem with until now. He repeats himself constantly now. Sometimes it’s nonsense, though I know it makes sense to him somehow. I can give him the same answer to a question or the same reply to a comment ten times in an hour. Sometimes more.

He wanders off on flights of fancy, telling himself stories that he sometimes shares with me, about people he knows and places he goes. People and places he’s created for himself. He’s always known they exist in a separate world, but lately he’s been introducing them to us as if the worlds no longer have walls around them. And he actively fears some of them.

He drew a face and handed it to me yesterday.

That’s him, he said. And then he told me he loved me, and that he would do his best to protect me from him. I don’t know who him is.

This year he started to master physical contact, which is a big thing for him. He’s always been loving but never physically affectionate. Never hugged or kissed people, not even me. His hands have always been kept away from everyone, his physical self kept carefully apart from a world full of bodies he distanced himself from without a second thought.

Several months ago he decided he wanted to learn how to hug, so we worked on it. He got good at it. He was understanding the rules of it, determining appropriateness of timing and recipient, various reasons for extending or offering physical touch. The science of it, which was the only way he could understand it. And he got to where he enjoyed it and it didn’t causes him distress or discomfort. He even lost the awkwardness. It was no longer like hugging an automaton...it felt like hugging a child.

And now suddenly he just holds on. Won’t let go. It’s like he’s afraid to move away, to sever the connection. It’s no longer just a curious desire to feel contact with another human being, to overcome a facet of “otherness” that he’d noticed in himself. Now it’s like a fear of the space between us. He doesn’t want to let go.

As I write this he’s sitting on the floor in front of me, not interacting, just being close. He isn’t looking at me. I don’t know where he is...he’s somewhere else, but he’s making an effort, a desperate one it feels like, to stay near me. But it feels like every day he goes further and further down a road I can’t see, and from time to time he’ll look back over his shoulder and remember that this is where he needs to be...but he keeps walking.

I’m scared for him. When I speak to him now, his eyes nervously dart to other places. Faces have begun to disquiet him. He flinches at noises that he’d gotten used to. He tries to maintain eye contact, he realizes what he’s doing and pulls his eyes back to my face, but they dart off again quickly to some empty space beside me.

He goes into his other places more often.

He’s losing his ability to connect.

I don’t want him to disappear into some other world where I can’t follow him. But I don’t know how to pull him back to the safety of this one.

I don’t even know if this is the safe one.

I’m not the best person to help him right now. I’ve been cranky. I’ve been having chronic migraines for weeks. I haven’t been easy to get along with. I’m trying, but sometimes it feels like all my physical, mental, emotional energy goes to everyone else and leaves nothing for me. My argument with myself is that I’m the mother, it’s supposed to be like this. But I feel like I’m dying sometimes.

More so lately.

I lost a baby recently. Very recently. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew from the start something wasn’t right and there would never be any good news to announce. My hCG levels stopped rising and never went any further. I’ve been sick from that - physically a little, emotionally a lot - and haven’t wanted to deal with anyone or anything. Just working with Big, trying to hold onto him somehow. Trying to keep Little under control, which is...an undertaking of such astronomical proportions that I don’t even know where to start. He has issues of his own and I haven’t been a very effective parent for him lately. He’s frustrated, I’m frustrated. We’re all frustrated with each other.

I’ve been dealing with some fairly huge internalized trauma from other things as well, in recent days. Things from the past that I never realized were tearing me up until I took steps to distance myself from them. I won’t go into it here, right now. You’ve seen random posts from me about it, and you’ve seen me go off on people for not understanding. You’ll probably see more of it. I’m just beginning to realize how bad things were. I don’t know yet how to deal productively with any of it.

I’ll figure it out.

I don’t need someone to solve my problems. I vent to soothe my nerves and no other reason. It’s how I deal with whatever shit is eating me. Please don’t feel the need to help me or try to fix anything, or even feel obligated to offer sympathy - god please don’t, because that’s not what it’s for. If you see a rant from me it simply means I’ve hit a point where I will explode if I don’t put words to my feelings. This is the only safe place I can do it.

Also please know that if you do say something kind to me in those moments and I don’t say anything back to you, it’s nothing you should take personally. I love you. I just can’t tell you that I do.

If I go quiet for days, don’t take that shit personal. It’s nothing to do with you.

If you say something that triggers me and I get rude with you, don’t take that shit personal either. I’m weak these days. My whole life has been about controlling myself and my every response to everything, tiptoeing around every other human being on the planet with the enforced belief that literally everyone’s feelings are more important than my own. That I’m not valid as an individual, that only my usefulness to other people is important. And I’m finally done with all that.

But I don’t know how to do it right. I’m a fucking child as far as allowing myself to react to things. I’m having a really rough time right now and I’m getting myself through it however I can figure out. Ignore me if you must. Just don’t take it personal, because none of it is about you.

I’ve found some things that help me cope and make me feel better. I’ve been keeping them separate from my main blog because I know most of you are here for one type of fandom content, and my other interests aren’t it. But I’ve just realized...this is my blog, and I’ve spent my whole life hiding things I loved because other people didn’t like them or didn’t approve.

Not here, not anymore. Not so much in my personal life anymore, either. If I like it I will say so and I will share it because it makes me happy. I’ll do art and writing for other fandoms in addition to the one you originally followed me for. You know you’re free to share in it with me or not, I don’t have to explain that. I’ve had my share of people claiming they would read anything I write no matter what it is, only to have them vanish the second I start writing something outside their preferred fandom. It’s happened more often than I care to mention, but there it is. And that’s their right and choice, I respect that. But it’s not going to stop me from writing what I want to write. Not anymore.

I write because I need to. For me. I share it with the rest of you. People have come at me recently in the comments section at AO3 expressing their dislike over various things, and I’ve responded politely with as much accommodation as I can muster. I think I’ve allowed a lot of reader entitlement concerning my work over the past five years, changing things to suit people even if it didn’t suit the story, simply because they barked at me about something they didn’t agree with.

I won’t be doing that anymore. Because if you’ve read this far, you’ve likely realized at least one thing -

Pretty much everything I write is based in some way on my own reality.

It hasn’t always been pretty. And things get really rough sometimes or veer way off down a twisted road before they get resolved, just like life tends to do. I don’t write a lot of easy fluff these days. It’s your right to read it or not, but I do ask that you respect my right to write what I choose, because it’s my coping mechanism, and sometimes I have a lot to cope with. And I do that by turning real life bullshit into something entertaining, because the best thing you can do with monsters is put a goofy hat on them so they can’t scare you anymore.

At any rate, this is a not so quick synopsis of why I haven’t been particularly fun in recent days. I try, but it gets on top of me. I’ve felt ignored, shunned, overlooked. I realize that is sometimes my default assumption, that I’ve worn out my welcome and no one cares anymore. I also realize that sometimes it’s just that other people have their own shit to deal with and they probably haven’t even noticed I was gone. But I came back after a few days of silence to some hurtful shit that I know was done with intent, and I’m trying really hard to overlook that.

One of my few redeeming qualities though, I think, is that I bounce back fairly quick...so give me a few days, a couple of weeks, whatever, to get my bent up self back into shape. I’m handling more than I can handle at the moment in my life outside of here, and I can’t hand it over to anyone else for even a minute. I’m doing my best. I’m not okay right now.

I will be, but I’m not going to rush it.

Nothing good survives being rushed.

#I don't even know what to tag this as #there's a lot of potential triggers in here #so I guess just proceed however you see fit #I only have the energy to type all this once so instead of giving it privately to a few I'm slapping it down here for anyone who wants it #I won't reply to anyone who wants to be abusive

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samsterham · 5 years ago

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The Fuckening, Entry # 1

Despite the novel covid-19 being around for a pretty hot minute now, I have only been self-quarantined about 6 days. There have been several confirmed cases in my county, and today the county had it’s first death.

If it’s not apparent by the title, I’ve decided to officially from here on out refer to this entire debacle as The Fuckening. I will swear. A lot.

I figure it might be somehow lucrative to record my experiences throughout the pandemic, at least as it is pertinent to my country & area. Aside from broader, more public events, it might be interesting to someday look back on my day to day & how we dealt & felt & what we did. I should have been keeping a diary of my life anyway & had intended to despite never making it a priority. Now is as good a time as any.

Anyhow, I anticipate this being a rather disjointed project, variable in moods, topics, formats, etc. & rife with grammatical errors. I haven’t decided how revealing of my identity & location I would like to be, I suppose that’s something I’ll decide as I go. All I’ll reveal for the moment is I live in the U.S. in Pennsylvania.

Recapping what I can right now:

I’m in about day 6 of self-quarantine. All schools have cancelled regular classes and have gone exclusively online, as has happened pretty much everywhere else. My community college also followed suit along with probably every college & university at this point. I’ve had a little over a week off for faculty & staff to prepare for the shift. Class resumes this upcoming wednesday online for the rest of the semester. Curious to how they’re going to structure & grade our biology lab credits.

Bars & restaurants have been state-mandated to shut down except for take-out. Now the liquor stores have shut down as well. Somehow the beer distributor down the street is still open however...

Me & K (boyfriend) haven’t gone nuts with preparations, but we did have 1 significant shopping trip before the state officially began recommending social distancing. We got enough non-perishables for several weeks. We’ve made a couple mini trips for things like milk & fresh veggies.

I also have a few immunocompromised friends who I’ve gone shopping for. I expect to continue doing so as needed. One such friend has a bitch of a rare disease which is frankly on the verge of killing her if she sneezes or coughs too hard. There is so, so much more to it than that, than I dare go into here for privacy reasons but I have spent the last month as one of her actual medical advocates. She is partly the reason I would like to focus my education and eventual clinical research on rare diseases such as hers. Anyhow, despite it being flat out unsafe, she was discharged from the hospital yesterday as my city prepares to get slammed with covid-19 cases.

Both my cats got a stomach bug just 2 days into self-quarantine. It began with Crowley puking, then what looked like bloody emesis & trip to the emergency vet. Sent home with stomach meds & instructions for supportive care before jumping into more than basic testing. He was fine within 36 hours, just in time for Aziraphale to become a little vom-bomb. This lasted for 3 days, with many debates as to when we should finally get her poor little fuzz butt medical attention. She thankfully healed on her own, just as I was about to break down & take her to the vet.

Not to make light of the fact that they were sick, but Zira’s throw-up noise is THE FUNNIEST sound I’ve ever heard in my life. It begins with that usual choppy but also deep guttural *hork hork hork* followed by a very abrupt & very loud scream “rrRAAHH!” as things made their way up & out. I couldn’t help but kinda lose my shit as I pet her & cleaned up the mess. I’m probably going to hell for this.

Me & K have enjoyed spending more time together during quarantine. We have only had 3 friends over since, all being of our regular weekly crew of Sarah, Greg, & Amanda, & all of who are otherwise self-quarantined. Sarah & Amanda came over last Saturday, Sarah made “Quarantinis,” a goddamn delicious cocktail of vodka, lemon, honey, & crystalized ginger. Us girls & K got quaran-trashed, ate dinner together, played Cards Against Humanity, & watched Waking Ned Devine.

We have been making the FUCK outta some food. This is easily the healthiest we’ve eaten in a long time. Thank God we both can cook.

The weather has been fairly forgiving & the two of us have made efforts to get outside as much as possible while it’s nice. K works from home with some good flexibility & I was fired about a month before corona shit hit the fan. We’re enjoying the local parklette & the humongous cemetery in walking distance from us.

Yesterday was mostly blustery & rainy, save for a 2 hour break in the weather where it was sunny and around 70 degrees. We trekked through said cemetery. As we were on our way out, we rounded the bend of one of the long paths, along the side of a large grassy hill. From that initial perspective of the hill, there was a large pile of indiscernible objects about halfway up the hill. As we came around, we noticed the pile was next to a grave very freshly covered in dirt. Upon closer inspection it became apparent that the “pile” was actually a man wrapped in blankets, with one arm stretched over the dirt of the grave. On the road at the bottom of the hill was what I assumed to be his car. I don’t know who he was, I don’t know who he lost, but they’re burned into my memory forever. It was one of those sights that breaks your entire heart. I cried a little & held K’s hand a little tighter as we made our way toward the gate. K kissed the top of my head & gave me a loving squeeze.

I didn’t get fired over anything serious; my chronic migraines plus a personal failure to obtain intermittent FMLA in a timely manner resulted in termination. My bosses didn’t want to let me go, but you can only fight HR of a corporate health system so much. Oh well. I wasn’t happy there anymore anyway. After 3 years I was bored, having trained up as much as possible without my degree. Some toxic personalities made their way onto our floor staff in the last year which made some shifts absolute hell despite my efforts to avoid them & remain utterly professional. Aside from running out of money, I’ve been incredibly relaxed since being let go. I’ve even lost 4 pounds in the last month. My hair is currently a weird ginger-pink, the result of a failed self bleach job, but it’s not entirely embarrassing so I’m going to let it recover before I try it again & go teal.

I never got around to watching Breaking Bad when it was popular, but last night I finally saw the first episode. K has seen it before, it’s one of his favorite tv shows & he’s ecstatic to watch it together. One episode legit got me hooked already. I know the premise of the show & I can’t wait to see how it pans out.

The political fuckery around this has been.... ugh. I wanted to say “staggeringly defunct” but what else is there to be expected from this current administration? I have designed most of my tumblr to be apolitical but that will change with these specific entries. I’m politically outspoken on Facebook & Twitter & I wanted one or two platforms that could just be fun and neutral. My current politics are very leftist, a head-spinning 180 degree turn from my upbringing & early voting habits. The last four years have sent me purposefully, intentionally & determinedly headlong into the progressive movement, feminism, and hunger for democratic socialism. The only conservative thing left about me is my stubborn remaining infatuation with firearms & gratitude for the 2A. Counterintuitively I’m very pro-sensible gun control, but having the discussion with either side of the issue mostly leaves me wanting to knock heads together.

I digress, the administration’s response to the pandemic has been unsurprisingly subpar, yet somehow not as awful as I expected. Trump went from “not a big deal” & “liberal media hoax” to “oh shit, I actually better get my shit together for this” real quick. I don’t know if it’s because it’s an election year or if there’s actually a shred of competency that’s been hiding under the comb-over but I’ll take what we can get from him, including that $1000 check. Getting unemployment has been a bitch. None of this however, changes the fact that Republicans have known about the crisis since December & instead of preparing the public, decided insider trading was a better idea. This doesn’t change the fact that the DOJ is trying to invoke indefinite detention as a “crisis response” and the only thing standing in the way are House Democrats. And it doesn’t change the fact that our hospital system is overloaded & underfunded, and the Republican controlled government would still rather bail out large corporations as we plunge into an inevitable recession.

I’ve spent too much energy fighting ignorant shit sticks on the internet over all this, including people I know in real life. I gotta keep remembering that all I can do is my best, that you can’t change the world but you can make a dent. On that note, I finally introduced K to Danny DeVito’s cinematic masterpiece Death To Smoochy.

Today I finished reading Darker Than Amber by John D. MacDonald. Quick, fun read, definitely a product of it's time.

That’s all I have in me for today. My neck hurts. Sleep sweet and WASH YOUR FILTHY PAWS.

#covid19 #covid_19 #corona virus #coronavirus #quarantine #social distancing #wash your damn hands #diary #journal #the fuckening #the fuckening diary #death to smoochy #pandemic

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bleachedjam · 6 years ago

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Rambling on sexuality. Apparently you can't do a cut on mobile? Sorry then. Pretend there is one here and scroll past this.

I've always tried to find a label that fit me. I had never felt liked I liked anyone in the traditional sense. Girls and boys were on an even playing field for me. No one set me a flutter. There was no lust at first sight. But the way my peers discussed it made me feel...odd. Displaced? Like I was missing a joke everyone else got. So I faked it.

In elementary school, 5th grade, all the other girls picked a celebrity boy they had a crush on. I remember being confused how they decided. So I picked Aaron Carter, I think because I liked his song, "I want Candy". I mimicked what they said about their crushes, "he's so hot!" Another girl also liked Aaron Carter, but as I was a bit of an outcast we never discussed it. (His picture was on her binder.)

In middle school I tried to take up drawing. I had a sketch book I filled with drawings of both men and women. I gave the women large breasts and revealing shirts. My mother looked through my sketch book, and one night I heard her telling her friend, "all the breasts are so large, what if shes a lesbian?". And I considered it. What if I was? I had no idea. I felt the same way about men and women still. My friends were branching out and dating and talking about crushes on boys in school. I picked a boy I was friends with and pretended to like him. I even faked a journal entry and left it out so a friend would see.

In Jr. High I briefly dated a boy who was friends with a boy my friend was dating. He was crass and kind of a jerk. Someone asked me why I was dating him, because he, "looked and dressed weird". I tried to figure out which features were desirable, but all the guys my friends liked were so varied.

High school hit me hard. Something was wrong with me I was sure. I decided to just date whoever liked me. Less choices on my part. In October we held a Octoberfest carnival thing. My anime club, yes I was in anime club, had a booth were we sold churros. I met a guy a year older than me who ended up liking me. So I "liked" him. We dated until February. He rarely showered and never brushed his teeth. I always felt gross when we hung out. In February a friend admitted to liking me. I broke up with the other guy for obvious reasons and accepted when the new one asked me out.

Things seemed fine at the start but this guy would go on to mentally and verbally abuse me for 5 more years and torment me for a year after that. I confided in him how I never liked anyone and never had crushes the same way others did. This was the first of many things he would use against me. He convinced me to have sex with him, because once I did I'd like him and be attracted to him. And when that didn't work, well I'd already done it, so I had to keep doing it. Then when I doubted things and didn't like being with him, he'd play on my various insecurities. "You'll never really like someone, it will always be fake. Might as well stay with me." "No one will like you if you can't feel the same way back, your lucky to have me." "I'm the only guy you can ever get." And beyond that to, "No one else would want a depressed sack of fat like you. I'm doing you a favor." "There's so much wrong with you, how can you ever expect to do better?" "Your so ugly and fat I can't believe I stoop to your level." And worse and worse yet. It was a slow descent over almost 2 years, but when he had me where he wanted me, he started to cheat on me. I couldn't leave, I wanted to die. The years with him were the worst of my life. And I trace it all back to not understanding how to tell if I wanted to be with someone.

We graduated and he moved into my house. The abuse only got worse. I developed fibromyalgia and other chronic illness, believed to be from "trauma". His abuse escalated after that. I couldn't escape him. And why would I want to? No one would ever take a broken piece of shit like me. He was doing me a favor.

He ended up leaving me. I never had the strength to leave him. He left me for, in his words, "a healthy girl with no problems". For the next year or so he'd get drunk and contact me. Eventually I stopped all communication. I ended up getting a tattoo he had forbade me from getting. It was freeing.

I tried the online dating scene for awhile. I desperately didn't want to be alone. But I couldn't connect with anyone. People would send me messages and I'd see pictures but I never met up with anyone. No one ever stood out. I didn't know what or how to pick someone.

My sister had a friend from Canada she played games with online. I played with them a few times and he invited his work friend to play to. I won't say we hit it off. My sister and her friend logged off and then me and the other guy were left alone. We talked, he seemed nice. After a few months the two of them got invited down to our house for a gaming convention in the area. The friend and I had grown close and he decided he liked me. I knew this time, I did not like him.

But as it goes, that didn't matter. He came down, stayed at our house and asked me out. I said no. He pushed and guilt tripped me until I said yes. He stayed a week. Everything was a guilt trip. He bought me something so I owed him. He came all this way, so I owed him. I said yes, so I owed him. When he went back home I broke up with him. He staged and gave me a play by play of a suicide attempt. His tactics relied on guilt. I wasn't used to that, so it was hard for me to let go. I didn't want to hurt anyone. Eventually I finally got away from him.

During that time my other sister asked if she could invite a guy she worked with to play league of legends with us, as he was very good and we wanted to win an event or achievement or something. He played with us and we did it.

Him and I talked. I told him about the guy from Canada. The suicide attempt. Most recently he had gotten the bill from the ambulance I sent to his house and said I needed to pay it since it was my fault. I refused and tried to quit talking to him. The new guy and I got close. He was someone I would call my best friend. When the Canada guy started more drama, he asked if we could hang out in real life, because up until then we had only talked online.

We did. I went to his house. We got teriyaki and played Mario cart. Something about this guy was different. He was a best friend but something else. Like our hearts were talking. We connected on a different level, something I had never felt with another person before. On the way home I made a stupid joke about not believing he never had a girlfriend. He asked if I wanted to be his. I said yes.

I gave him a hug goodbye. I kissed him on the cheek. He tried to kiss me on the cheek too but I moved and he missed and we had our first kiss. Everything was right in ways I never felt before.

Today we're set to be married, living together and have an amazing daughter. I couldn't imagine life with anyone else. I can confidently say, he is the first person I've actually liked. Romantically for sure. Sexually? I still don't know how that works.

I throughly enjoy sex with him. I desire the intimacy and connection and obviously it feels good. But honestly, what the hell is sexually attraction? Because I enjoy it does that mean I'm attracted? I don't know. I've never looked at anyone and gotten any...sexual feelings from looking at them.

I enjoy drawn porn and porn comics from an aesthetic point. The art is beautiful. The human body is wonderful. But it doesn't do anything for me. I like the art, the shapes, the aesthetic of porn. But it doesn't make me feel anything or make me want to do anything.

To masturbate or have sex I have to focus on the sensations alone, or how my partner feels. I've never found porn that works for me. I don't get horny from visuals at all. Half the time I forget he does. I'll be changing and he makes a move and I'll just be confused as to what got him in the mood. I feel a disconnect between it all.

There was a while where I called myself asexual. Seemed close. But the more I tried to fit in with the community the more I felt odd. Not outcast, because the asexual community is amazing, but more like I was fitting an oval peg into a circle hole. Close, but not quite.

When I consider it, men and women are almost equal to me. I think I may be more drawn to women at least visually. If I hadn't met my fiance I would have loved to date a woman. I enjoy the female form more from a aesthetic stand point.

So lately I've been wondering if maybe I was pansexual. A friend of mine is pan and she posted a quote about being attracted to the person, not the body. It felt more right and more like me than anything I had seen from the asexual community. But at the same time, my sample size of people I've liked it only at one. So I have no idea.

I also wonder, does it matter? I'm going to be with the person I am with forever now. I don't need to find anyone else, so it doesn't matter which gender preference I have or don't have.

I guess with Pride month I've been thinking about it a lot. There is a lot of talk of, "fly your flag high and have pride!" But what if you don't have a flag?

I feel queer. That's about as far as I've gotten. I don't know if I'll ever find something past that or not. Right now queer feels fine, just unsure. I guess I'm somewhere between sexuality is fluid and still figuring myself out. Who even knows what attraction is.

So happy Pride month everyone.

#queer #LGBT+#lgbt pride #pride #asexual #pansexual #unsure #musings #rambling #blogging #life

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doomedandstoned · 6 years ago

Text

Candlemass: 35 Years A Band

~A Doomed & Stoned Double Feature~

Dare To Knock On The Door To Doom

By Magnus Tannergren

I don't know how well known it is that CANDLEMASS hails from the same hoods in the Upplands Väsby right outside Stockholm as both Yngwie Malmsteen and Europe. And it is a fact that Candlemass debut album Epicus Doomicus Metallicus was released just two weeks after Europe's smash hit album The Final Countdown. We all know that that album earned Europe worldwide fame. Candlemass, on the other hand, remained an underground affair for decades.

Yet the legacy of Candlemass cannot be underestimated in anyway when it comes to heavy music. Their slow, heavy Sabbath worship paved the way for a whole genre inspired by the heavy rock and proto-metal of the ‘70s that we call, up until this present day, doom metal. Ironically, Europe now days have returned to their roots and sound more like Deep Purple or Rainbow than anything else. The circle is complete.

Anyway, this is a review of the new Candlemass album 'The Door To Doom' (2019 - Napalm Records) and not a study of when two parallel universes collide. This album also completes a full circle for Candlemass in many ways, too. It sees the return of the mystery man who did the vocals on that legendary debut album that arrived more than three decades ago. It was shocking news when Johan Längquist was announced as the vocalist on the new album -- an album that was already done with vocals by longtime singer Mats Levén (Therion, Krux). Oh the drama...

But maybe this is exactly what Candlemass needed to get back on track. The band has not been able to really deliver the goods these past ten years or so, in my opinion. Maybe it's because of the lead singer issues that have been tormenting Candlemass for ages. The reunion with Messiah Marcolin back in 2004 went south, Rob Lowe had a great voice but didn't work out as a touring member, and so on. Add main songwriter Leif Edling’s struggles with chronic fatigue syndrome and it is easy to understand that this doomsday machine has not been firing on all its cylinders for a while.

Yet here we are now. The new album is out and it is a grand return to epic doom metal as we know it should be done by Candlemass. I am the first to admit that I was skeptical, as I always am, to these kinds of albums that try to summon the glory of the past by reuniting with old members. But I am also the first one to admit when I am wrong. This is a fantastic Candlemass album.

The Door To Doom by CANDLEMASS

The voice of Längquist has matured as a good wine. It depth and grandeur coupled with attitude and experience. The vocals add that extra drama to tracks like "Splendor Demon Majesty" and "Astorolus – the Great Octopus" (yes, there is a solo by Tony Iommi on this, so another completed circle), but there is also beauty to be had, such as in the epic ballad "Bridge of the Blind" with its echoes of the great old ones, like Dio. I'm glad Johan Längquist is back. His silence has been a waste.

Musically, Candlemass delivers an album that stands proud besides the classic first four albums Epicus Doomicus Metallicus, Nightfall, Ancient Dreams, and Tales of Creation. It measures up to the challenge to invoke the gods of doom in a way that sometimes sends shivers down my spine, as I recall the greatness of this band's early years. It bares the mark of true doom and the spirits of the old classics possess this album. The guitar works by Mappe Björkman and Lasse Johansson are stellar and the thunder of Edling’s bass and Jan Lindh’s drumming is spectacular.

The music bares all the marks that makes up the legend of Candlemass. It is, in the words of the band itself, “the sound of 666.” I already mentioned some of the highlights on the album, but I must also say The Door To Doom doesn't really have any weak spots. All the songs are very strong and the riffing is epic. Despite my skepticism, I got bewitched again.

A great doom metal record, indeed, executed with precision and power. I fully believe this material has focus to make Candlemass relevant as a scene-anchoring act in metal once again and I hope they succeed, because the world needs this band. On the other hand, if this turns out to be the last album by this legendary Swedish doomers, The Door To Doom will also serve as a fitting final chapter in the Book of Candlemass. I honestly hope it’s not.

Magnus is the founder and host of Into The Void Podcast. He is also a senior staff writer at Slavestate.se, one of Sweden's oldest and most important online zines about heavy and extreme music.

☠

An Interview with

Candlemass Co-Founder

Leif Edling

By Willem Verhappen

I must say I was very surprised when the new record was announced, since at the time of its release, you said 'Psalms for the Dead' would be the final Candlemass full-length record. What made you change your mind? >

The "House of Doom" single. It was great fun to write it! Also working with producer Marcus Jidell was fantastic. We're quite a team, I must say. There I got the inspiration back for an entire album. We had a couple of band meetings about it and it was very clear that the band shared the enthusiasm for a new record. They had been playing live without me for a couple of years, with good response, but without an album it is easy for you to become a retro band pretty quick. Don't want that to happen to Candlemass.

I see what you mean. It's quite a challenge to stay relevant as an "older" band, especially in this day and age, when everything retro seems to be cool. On one hand you have bands like Priest and Saxon, who are still releasing decent records, and on the other hand there's bands who've been past their expiration date for decades. Do you prefer to see a band over their top or just remember them as they were?

That one’s easy. Remember them as they were. But having said that, it is a joy to see bands like Angel Witch, Manilla Road, Pries, and Saxon today, because they can still deliver. When you can’t deliver the goods anymore, maybe stay at home instead. Hope somebody will tap me on the shoulder one day and say “Leif...It’s time.” (laughs)

"Too many discussions & arguments over the years. Maybe some heart was missing in it all."

Just before the Christmas of 2013, you had a bout with burnout and stepped away from live performances for a while. What made you realize you needed to take a break? How did you get the “fire” back again?

A bit better, but not 100%. I'm still struggling with it. I hope I can do the rest of 2019's shows without too many problems. Have to look after myself, rest as much as I can, eat regularly, not party too much. Well, this is very "rock 'n' roll" to say, but it is great to be back. You have to listen to your body. If it says "rest," you have to step back. If it says, “Go, you can do it,” I hope I can!

I hope so. too. As a diabetic. I know it's sometimes difficult to listen to your body and not get drawn into the excitement of the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Is it difficult for you? What do you do in these moments?

On the Candlemass tour with Ghost, there was lots of partying on the bus after the shows. I was there, but took it quite easy. Went to bed early, but still I felt tired in the morning. So if we go on another tour, I might have to stop drinking totally, to pull it off. Playing live almost every night takes its toll. I’m 50-plus, struggling with fatigue syndrome, on a tour bus to hell -- talk about the wrong man in the wrong place! (laughs) Said "yes" to it instantly, of course.

In 2015, you released Avatarium’s second album, 'The Girl With The Raven Mask.' Was it difficult for you to pick up writing again?

Yes, it was. Well, not super hard. The burnout gave me the time to rest and get new inspirado for songs. In a way, I’m glad that it happened. Think many people just go on and on without taking a break. They just keep on going and get themselves an aneurysm or something. I quit before that happened. Got lots of time to think about future and what to do with it. Songwriting is one part. That Avatarium album is pretty good, I think.

I agree. It's my favorite Avatarium record. But you're saying this like you're not as happy with the other two records. Is that the case?

No. I love all three of them, but the second is the best.

We spoke briefly at Roadburn 2017 and I don’t know who was more nervous, me for meeting you or you for getting back on stage, playing the first ever live show with The Doomsday Kingdom. I remember that you were afraid no one would show up. Luckily, the place was pretty crowded and you guys gave an amazing show. I still get goosebumps when I think of your emotional performance of "The God Particle." How do you remember your return to the big stage?

The stage wasn’t that big (laughs), but it felt rather good. I could have played better, plus it's true I was quite nervous. It was the first small step to a full return, I would say.

In September of 2017, I spoke to Markus Jidell at an Avatarium show and he told me you were working on something very special. This was shortly before the 'House of Doom' EP was announced, so I assumed he was talking about that. Was he or were you already working on 'The Door To Doom'?

We worked on the House of Doom for about six months before we started on the full-length album. If I remember correctly, we started the demoing of the new songs on November 1st. The full album took exactly one year to make. Too long! Next time, I hope I’m better, then I hope we can deliver an album in three to six months. Shouldn’t take more time than that.

Does that mean there will be more Candlemass music coming our way?

Well, eventually. Hopefully!

The only surprise bigger than a new record was the return of Johan Längquist. How did that come about?

During the recording, we felt something was missing. We had too many discussions and arguments over the years -- all of us. Maybe some heart was missing in it all. I'd worked my ass off for this record, but was struggling with my health. Too much work, too much business, too many arguments, too much bull! In the end, we took a band decision to bring in Johan again -- go back to the "ground zero" of Doom, so to speak. Mats had done a great job, but we needed to do something in C-mass to find the spark again and Johan was the answer. Now we focus on having fun, not letting any business take over. I have no clue if it will last a year or two. At least we will enjoy the time left.

Lyrically, as well as musically, I think ‘The Door To Doom’ feels like a very dark record. What were your inspirations while writing this album?

It’s a good thing that people see the albums music and lyrics in different ways. I don’t think it is that dark. We have done darker things in C-mass, definitely. The songs are about the state of the world, how I feel myself during the burnout process, sea monsters, and reflections upon life in general. This time around, I’m pretty satisfied with the lyrics.

"I have no clue if it will last a year or two. At least we will enjoy the time left."

It's no secret that you’re a massive Black Sabbath fan, owning over half a meter worth of vinyl of their debut alone. I can only imagine how special it must have been for Tony Iommi to play on your record. How did that come about and what was it like working with Tony?

We just asked him. Seriously. We asked and got a "yes!" Our manager emailed his personal manager. Couldn’t believe it when we had the positive answer back. I was over the moon. Tony Iommi will play on my song! Hardest thing was to keep my mouth shut for three months. (laughs) But, you know, if you aim for the stars, you might succeed. He sent us the solo after a while and it was absolutely great! A dream came true.

Amazing how easily these things can happen.

Yes, Dio said once in an interview that he would have loved to guest sing on records but he never had the question put to him.

You’re currently on tour, opening for Ghost. When I went to see your show in Amsterdam, I noticed their audience is turning more mainstream. For instance, before your show, I heard someone say: “I looked up Candlemass online. They sound kind of like AC/DC.” Do you recognise this and how have the reactions been so far?

I have heard that we sound like Iron Maiden and Motörhead, to mention a couple. AC/DC? That’s a first. But the crowd reaction for our short set during the Ghost tour has been really good, actually. Better than we expected, so we must have done something right. The reactions for the album have been fantastic. Super great criticism from all over the world. And the Cardinal said to us, “You are special guest on this tour. You’re not the support act.”

With a band like Ghost, I can imagine the touring life is quite the experience. Did you have a chance to interact with those guys much beyond the stage?

Not really, they play a nearly three-hour long set and they take it seriously, as you should. We did have a couple of record hunting trips with the Cardinal that were very pleasant. He is a real vinyl buff, so we raided some shops here and there.

I can only imagine how these raids go about. What's your best find this tour?

The first Steamhammer record. First press on Brain €50. I gave it to the Cardinal after the last show, since we really wanted it, too. He got it as a gift from me, saying thanks for a great tour.

Since you’re a record collector and a fan of old school metal, are there any new bands you’re into that you think everyone should check out?

I haven’t bought a record with a new band for several years. I have no clue what’s going on in the metal world anymore. I just buy old albums. Seems like they knew how to write songs back then. Lost art, unfortunately. Is Blood Ceremony considered to be a “new” band? They are pretty good, I think.

Do you have future plans for the band or will you be shifting focus to side projects like Doomsday Kingdom, Krux, or others?

We just released a new Candlemass album and the schedule for this year is already full, so I won’t have any time, this year anyway, to do anything other than C-mass.

True, your calendar is swelling with the Ghost tour and some festival appearances in the summer. Are there any shows you’re especially looking forward to?

Yes: Sweden Rock, Hellfest, Wacken and, well, all of them! (laughs)

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#D&S Interviews #Candlemass #Stockholm #Sweden #Doom #Epic Doom #Metal #Leif Edling #D&S Reviews #Magnus Tannergren #Napalm Records

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farfromsugafanfic · 6 years ago

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Sammy Interview

Before we get started, do you mind introducing yourself and telling a bit about yourself?

My name is Sammy. I’m 34 years old, a college graduate with a background in cultural anthropology as well as women, gender, and sexuality studies. I’m particularly interested in queer and feminist methodologies. I live with my partner of some 15 years, who is also a fanfiction writer.

Q1: So, you told me that you’ve been writing fan fiction for 20+ years which is awesome! How did it all get started and what kind of fan fiction have you written in that time?

A1: Like a lot of fangirls of my generation, anime was my introduction to fanfiction. I grew up watching Sailor Moon when it first aired on American network television. It was love at first sight. There was nothing else like it on TV. At my local Blockbuster I discovered anime. It wasn’t as readily available then as it is now. Because the english dubs were so limited I ended up watching the same OVA rentals over and over - Ranma ½, RG Veda, Vampire Princess Miyu. First I wrote stories in my head, then I started writing them down. When I recieved my own computer and constant access to the internet, I went searching for fansites. Secreted behind unassuming links I found small clutches of fanfiction. This was before fanfiction.net first took off, and An Archive of Our Own was well over a decade away. Fansites had webrings, which took me to the next fansite, and so on. It really was a matter of finding the right webring for a given show and following the thread.

I began with writing Sailor Moon fanfiction, and as Cartoon Network’s late night block of programming (Toonami) expanded, the more I wrote. Gundam Wing fandom introduced me to shipping and it blew my mind.

I moved away from anime when the Harry Potter movies happened. A lot of us made the transition to book and movie based fandoms when someone discovered Harry/Draco. After that I found DC comics, and then became very active in the Star Trek reboot fandom. I’ve written for Stargate: Atlantis, BBC Sherlock and Hannibal and so, so many other shows/books/video games. I’ve been an active participant in Yuletide, which is an anonymous holiday fanfic exchange, and multiple Big Bangs -another fanfic/fanart exchange- as well as a kinkmeme prompt filler for years.

Q2: What pushed you to begin sharing your fan fiction?

A2: The mailing lists. In the early days of fandom private yahoo groups and message boards were the main venue for posting and reading fanfiction. Most mailing lists were fandom based and created for specific content - like Gundam Wing Slash, GundamWingGEN and CRACKSHIP. These became high volume, tight knit communities. It wasn’t unusual to have your mail box refreshing on the left side of the monitor, while you chatted with members on AIM on the right side. There was a lot of encouragement, experimentation, and collaboration. You posted your fanfiction to the list, or board, and people cheered. It was all so exciting. It’s hard to describe now how close we all were, and just how much fellow-feeling fueled hundreds of emails a day. This was my online family, my community. I didn’t need a push or moment of courage to post my early fanfiction - I was delighted to share, invited to share. It was an electrifying thing to be part of.

Q3: Were you scared to post it online?

A3: Not at all. I didn’t need to be scared - none of us did. No one outside these early lists and boards knew what we were doing. I really can’t emphasize enough how guarded the early fanfiction community was. We were incredibly insulated. Our families didn’t know, our teachers and co-workers were oblivious, popular culture wasn’t shitting on fanfiction writers because it didn’t know we were writing. I wasn’t scared to press ‘send’, but it did feel dangerous, a little rebellious. There was a sense of getting away with something.

Q4: Has writing fan fiction taught you anything? About writing? Reading? Something else?

A4: On a basic level, fanfiction taught me how to write. Structure, pace, dialogue - I was taught those things in a classroom, but I learned them by writing fanfiction. We all taught ourselves to write by writing for each other. We created an entire literary movement without an MA in literature, or a structured pedagogy. Fanfiction writers generated new narrative traditions, like the Five Things + 1 format (a breakaway from the three-act story), Hurt/Comfort, and a language of tagging that defies classical genre rules - all because we were messing around.

Writing fanfiction has taught me the value of questioning western literary rules and conventions, that writing for myself and my own pleasure is valid. It’s also taught me that I don’t like to write alone. One of the things that makes fanfiction so special for me is that so much of it happens in conversation with other writers and readers. My best writing experiences have been in simpatico with total strangers, on AIM, in livejournal comment threads, gchat. I’m not writing “original fiction” because I lack imagination; it’s just too lonely.

Q5: Do you ever want to be published in a professional capacity one day?

A5: I do, though I feel like this is a bit of a fraught subject for fanfiction writers. There’s an compulsion to say yes, of course I plan to publish one day, as if that end goal legitimates the fanfiction I write. I don’t want to contribute to the idea of fanfiction as a lesser form of literature- a stepping stone to Real Writing - but yes. I started writing creative nonfiction in community college. That writing comes from a very different place than fanfiction. It satisfies another hunger.

Q6: How you feel about the stigma surrounding fan fiction and fan fiction writers? Or, do you not feel any stigma at all?

A6: I think the stigma towards fanfiction is pushback from multiple sociological and institutional sources.

In the beginning we had the sense that fanfiction - slash fanfiction - wasn’t something to bring up outside of those digital spaces we made for ourselves. We knew it would be considered an auteur kink at best, or downright perverted plagiarism at worst (I think this is largely still the case). Before the community found the language to discuss slash and fanfiction as transformative works - as deconstructions of conventional media, gender roles, and sexuality - there was an ethos of compartmentalization to the whole thing.

Q7: Do you think that stigma is warranted? (Whether or not you have personally experience it?)

A7: No.

I touched on this earlier, but I believe the stigma and hostility towards fanfiction is firmly rooted in gender and non-normative sexuality. The writing we do is generally characterized as a feminine endeavour, which immediately marks it as inferior to a literary canon that values the masculine so highly. The perception that fanfiction is a plagiarism of male authored source material makes it all the more egregious.

Equally as foundational, is the reduction of fanfiction to gay porn written by straight cis women for straight cis women - fanfiction is not only shit writing, it’s perverted and weird.

I’ve never been ashamed of the fanfiction I write, or read. Embarrassed maybe, of those first earnest attempts at writing. But fanfiction does not have a monopoly on bad writing. I can just as easily find the same trash in Barnes & Noble. So, quality is not and never has been a valid criticism.

Q8: What’s your favorite piece of fan fiction you’ve ever written? Why?

A8: A gen fic I wrote for Star Trek (AOS). I’m a leisurely writer, and stories don’t just hit me whole and complete in one go. But this one did. It took three hours to write and I didn’t have to think about where I was going after finishing a paragraph, the next was already there, I just had to type it out. It’s never come that easy before or since. It’s not my most popular piece of fanfiction, but I can go back and read it and not feel like I need to change anything.

Q10: Do you write outside of fan fiction?

A10: I do - until recently I was writing up lesson plans for classes I was co-facilitating. Generally, when I’m not writing fanfiction I’m working on creative non-fiction. I use the frame of gender analysis and sexuality studies (among others) to write about my life.

Q11: What site do you prefer to write and post your fan fiction on?

A11: An Archive of Our Own (AO3). The tagging system is superior and the site is far more user friendly than ff.net, which is an absolute dumpster fire.

Q12: What’s something you want people outside the fan fiction community to know about the fan fiction community?

We’re not a monolith. Teenage girls are the cultural face of fanfiction, but so many of us are in our 30s and 40s, old fandom queens from those first private mailing lists, boards, and LiveJournal accounts. We have soul sucking jobs. We have degrees in STEM. We teach college, have kids and debt, and friendships that have lasted decades.. We are not, and never have been a homogenous group of straight cis women. Asexuality and gender fluidity abounds. Plenty of us experience disability and chronic illness. And we aren’t a small group of weirdos obsessed with Johnlock. We’re an enormous and diverse group of weirdos who have created a literary movement.

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marjorieterry90 · 4 years ago

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Cat Urine Blood Eye-Opening Cool Ideas

Lastly, ask the individual to stay with the neighbors.Here are twelve simple, cheap, and effective treatment which should be burned.Most cat owners are surprised to learn how to train your cat get along, but that is safe to eat it.After that there are all kinds of activities.

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A tasty bone would go down a throw rug that is spraying, you can stuff with catnip can provide beneficial companionship in our case, to stop cat scratching.I gave my client cleared off a table, your cat going into the fiber with a new job.We have found that most cats will have to be fine with each other in a space where it should become clear of fleas on your cat sprays he is going to keep them out.There's no need to first find out where you install the scratching post, provide lots toys, perches and places she can mate with several males while she is comfortable, and where you can use natural or unnatural solutions to repel them.A quality HEPA room air cleaners and air purifiers to do with individual preferences, yours, and especially, your cats'.

It can develop a rewarding process as pregnant female cats of the most well-intentioned puppy, sometimes gets so excited or busy, they forget to consider at both ends of the area and then it could mean that urine smell is something you do not.However, since your new enclosure, you can do to protect the garden is to have fewer problems compared to the post to be the mistake we made, allowing Sid, the cat, but they mostly depend on what type of hierarchy or status.If cats have a negative manner causing the problem with mites and fleas is that you have the oddest smelling litter in complete privacy, the cabinet will eliminate accidental spills of litter you should be disposed of once a month in order to invite your cat is added to your house with the help of exhaust fans or keeping your cat scratch furniture can be traumatic to a specialist.If you find a way to prevent the cat try to resolve the problem.This works so well that you don't want a cat owner knows that sometimes include the following:

Since cats are certainly issues to light, then your whole house may need to know that cats like to opt for some reason they are altered, 78% of this number stop marking immediately and you will also jump from many different suppliers as possible.Even the most common reasons why your neutered cat isn't the only domestic breed of cat fluMany include attached toys or sprayed directly on.Corrugated cardboard scratching boxes seem to get the exercise they need.When you introduce him into your cat's airway.

The first line of defence is to important to know that they are having.Starting when your cat is fixated on your cat.He'll need an effective product that is typical for cats will attack a cat treat or some other place for scent spray to keep cats at set times during a bathroom break, so make themselves vomit up a 16 ounce trigger spray bottle is another way the rubbing alcohol is a fastidious eater?This flea prevention medication is not bad cat behavior so we started working with him after a period of time.Consider the age of 4-5 weeks old kittens.

You also want to try to get used to the vet at least 8,000 years and they will become precious memories and reminders of times will often urinate and/or leave a litter box ever again.In case the usage of solvents is required, do not have access to rooms, and even fight cancer and other household items.For more serious cases, blood transfusions may be the only creatures on Earth that yearn to be replaced once every month during the training sessions before every meal.Use a cat's shampoo - human products can be the most easily corrected behaviors are eating plants, walking on rough surfaces like cement.The catnip will make sure that he/she has fresh water is unpleasant and even years.

In both cases the urine residue and eliminate a lot of different cleaning solutions that smell of urine.Of course, training a cat, not how to massage their heads.If your cat's claws grow, so be careful about urine odor from the beginning to keep as much indoors as cats commonly urinate on the area thoroughly with your cat peeing, then focus on the hair of the fan.This is very hard to determine why he is near you.A great solution for employed owners who focus on the same time show him that you want her to her babies.

Boy Cat Spraying

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However, some pet lovers do not are the easiest task in the second and third nights, she was stressed and this helps you understand and care for them.Also stock up on the other members of your pet.We have found is at a run to chase as a spray or in the food the cat could be in each hole.They may even have to change undesirable behavior is exhibited and all cat owners choose to live with your regular washing powder and proceed from this situation, it would be not so easy to use the litter boxes are a number of reasons why cats go so far as purchasing two separate crates for trips to the litter box.On the flip side, the comfort and convenience of a major change to the toilet seat instead of your furniture.

I bought our new guy home and what causes the strong cat urine in the business of breeding purebred cats then you should look into Complete Cat Training TipsTomcats often spray anything that you offer them an option made out of the cat's body.And even then, do you look forward to the same area for several hours.There are very much like a minor thing to do it for 25 minutes and then dispose of this container after a cat might have to put the drops deters the fleas are flattened from side to side and powerful legs enable them to the box, you can resume playing as long as we're on the wrist.Perhaps the most exciting or productive thing to do this to spray in most places.

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Orange Cat Spray

When possible, start cats young and you do not like something you don't want your cat in good health is to have an improved life, and likely a longer one.Cats are adorable creatures, they will make a fuss.Once your cat will let them grow to maturity.The problem with these machines scares many cats will happily lay in a negative tactile experience, and they are very important that your cat from spraying.It is a beautiful addition to the environment, there are many different forms, but most of the problems, you are always waiting at the end back through the HEPA filter is sealed in the mouth can lead to other problems, such as the behavior is to consult the vet?

A gradual supervised interaction is very painful for you, but it just has some climbing perches and some personalities may simply clean it easily with plain water or hose.Observing your cat the impression that cats can cause severe halitosis.Any type of home remedies will recommend the best way to attract your cat has a ton of energy and likes to stay away!Leave it for a quick look at the supermarket, you can purchase a silent place like the sticky deposit, uric acid which gives the new cat establish their territorial mark.An unclean litter box behavior until the area

#Cat Urine Blood Eye-Opening Cool Ideas #If I Get My Cat Fixed Will It Stop Spraying

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theseadagiodays · 5 years ago

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April 27, 2020

Art Became the Oxygen

It is true that artists, many of whom rely on public gatherings for their livelihood, are some of the hardest hit during this crisis. Yet, it’s musicians who are toiling away in basements to serenade us through isolated days. It’s comedic actors who are offering us essential nighttime laughs. And it’s visual artists who make meaning from this madness with images that inspire, console and provoke. The individuals of the creative community are like the unsung frontline workers of this pandemic, only without any salary to support their craft, or a 7 pm cheer to motivate them. Yet still, they make things because they must, just as artists have done since the beginning of history, particularly in times of strife. (SEE: https://usdac.us/news-long/2017/8/9/art-became-the-oxygen-free-artistic-response-guide-available-now)

In previous periods of economic hardship, the US government responded with forward-thinking programs like the WPA (Works Progress Administration) of Roosevelt’s New Deal (1935 to 1943). It was designed not only to fund huge infrastructure projects, but also to employ thousands of artists, musicians, writers, and theatre performers to stimulate the economy. Legacies of this program include Zora Neale Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God; Jackson Pollack’s Composition with Pouring; and Mark Rothko’s earlier urban studies like Entrance to Subway, where you can see the seeds of his famous color studies from later work.

After natural disasters, senseless violence or war, artist activists have also rushed to the front lines, time and again, to help rebuild communities by activating their social imaginations and stimulating their civic agency with creative collaborations.

Philippe Thiese gathered digital stories of Hurricane Sandy volunteers in this short film: https://www.sandystoryline.com/stories/sandy-volunteers-remember-the-storm-and-explain-how-they-got-involved/.

The siblings of Eric Garner, a young African-American man killed by unjust police violence in 2014, came together in grief to write the song, I Can’t Breathe,based on his harrowing last words. Their music served as a rallying cry to a community berieved and betrayed by their law enforcement: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/eric-garners-family-drops-moving-new-song-i-cant-breathe-192574/

And when a 2011 tornado took 161 lives in the small town of Joplin, Missouri, mural artist Dave Loewenstein asked kids about their dreams for the future of their town, resulting in this stunning piece, The Butterfly Effect.

So, in the great hope that we’ll kick this virus’ butt, and we will be left with a glut of ventilators, how about we use them to revive our society’s artists, since they are the vital oxygen that feed our souls.

In Vancouver, we are already lucky enough to have our City government responding with funding for the Murals for Hope project (#makeartwhileapart), which is transforming solemn, boarded-up shops and restaurants into colorful and encouraging messages that can help sustain us until their doors reopen again.

Geoff and I are also trying to do our small part to stimulate the creative economy, while beautifying our home in the process. We are very excited to have just commissioned a mural artist to spruce up our tiny backyard space, which we’re transforming from a gravel parking spot into our own tropical oasis. Here are some inspirational images as well as a shot of the yard in its current state. And hopefully, I can post the finished product, which will be painted onto the rotting fence, in a couple of weeks.

April 28, 2020

Art of Relationship

This period is not just requiring us to get creative with keyboards and canvases and cameras. It is forcing us to re-examine the very patterns that make up our daily lives and fit them all inside the same four walls with the same self, spouse, and/or kids, 24/7. Suffice it to say, this is no small task. But, if any of you are like me, the grand solutions have sometimes involved tiny changes.

Personally, my greatest challenge has been to find ways to carve out slivers of shared pleasure amidst my partner’s insanely stressful, often 13-hour work day, now that the pandemic has his team at our local transit authority in serious crisis mode. Of course, I’m a firm believer in hard-work. The pursuit of a classical musician requires many years of 5+ hours-a-day of practice. But I’m also a fun-lover, and a huge proponent of life/work balance, particularly having had to learn this the hard way, thru a chronic overuse injury. So, for me, Geoff’s manic schedule during the first month of isolation seemed far from optimal. And while this was especially difficult for him, it compromised joy for both of us.

Seeking guidance as we adapted to the new normal, we found a great online series by Esther Perel, whose regular podcast, Where Should We Begin? always leaves us with sound, simple dance steps that we can apply to the Art of Relationship. Here, she has created a 4-part series that specifically addresses problems which co-habitators might face in our current reality. https://events.estherperel.com/april-2020-webinar-resources/?fbclid=IwAR0kRHkuQvEGxcpNuHvPKmmExamZ2Jj_EMZzR-zGp8eDejCR94hE-ZvGYjY

Inspired by her wisdom, we decided that the 7:30 am meetings, which had been occupying our kitchen and bleeding into our morning coffees, every day, could be skipped for a 15-minute walk thru our neighborhood park. And, let me tell you, what a difference a quarter of an hour can make!

April 29, 2020

Finding Variety in Repetition

It occurred to me, the other morning, that this experience feels a bit like fasting. Since college, I’ve routinely devoted a week, every spring, to some kind of dietary shift, for my general health, and as a general mindfulness exercise. While I’ve tried versions of the Wild Rose and other popular cleanses with some benefit, the method recommended in Staying Healthy with the Seasons has always suited me best. It requires you to slowly wean off many foods (meat/fish, then sugar/alcohol/coffee, then dairy), gradually move to only liquids, eventually evolve to a middle day of just water, and then similarly reintroduce each food gradually. What I’ve loved about this approach is how much more aware of my cravings I become, how much I notice the “manufacturing of consent” that happens all around me to inspire my “wants”, and finally how various symptoms are suddenly absent once I’ve eliminated certain foods. Consequently, the slow reintroduction of foods allows me to notice, in much more specific detail, which foods stimulate which responses in my body (IE. huge bursts of energy from fruit; afternoon crashes from sugar; indigestion from soy; sustenance from bread and pasta - NOTE: Contrary to the wheat-vilifying trends that currently prevail, I typically thrive on an anti-Atkins diet, as someone who reaps tremendous fuel from carbs).

The parallels we are experiencing now relate to the stimuli that we’ve been “denied” by our self-isolating reality. Speaking for myself, instead of travelling frequently, as I often do, or eating at different restaurants every week, or working at a different café every day to switch up the creative energy around me, I have had, like everyone else, to learn to find sustenance and interest in a much less diverse set of circumstances. I am eating at Chez Me three meals a day. We are grinding our own beans and whipping up our own daily lattes. And most all of our daily walks and bike rides now start from our home.

But even within the boundaries that we can reach from the nexus of our own address, we have been able to slowly expand our radius of exploration to corners of our city that we had never seen before. This has felt a bit like switching to a vegetarian diet and gaining new appreciation for the crunchiness of a snap pea, or the filling nature of a portabello mushroom.

In these explorations, we have discovered infinite surprises which include a cliffside view of the Fraser River from Everett Crowley Park (top image), an old landfill-turned-lush green space in Vancouver’s southeastern-most quadrant. We’ve seen old growth forest that we had no idea existed so many kilometres from the shore, in Burnaby’s Central Park on our city’s eastern border. I’ve spotted my first-ever fisher (weasel) sneaking around beachside boulders on the northern edge of the city. And closer to home, I’ve noticed the whimsy of our neighbors’ gardens in far greater detail than I had ever looked before (as in the Gaudiesque, smiley-face hedge pictured above). Our ventures from home have been guided by little more than our edict to “follow the pink”, as in the most blossoming streets. And to document these journeys, I’ve been mapping the various routes we’ve taken. Interestingly, the trajectory somewhat resembles a many-petaled flower.

Looking for minute changes in what seem to be patterns of sameness is also the secret to one of my favorite movements in music and design: Minimalism. Perhaps this is why Max Richter and Steve Reich have become the soundtrack I’ve turned to most during the pandemic. Because their music trains our brains to find beauty in repetition while seeking excitement from the subtlest nuanced shifts.

Meanwhile, I know that many of us would love for there to be a magic wand that could lift all of our restrictions over night and allow us to return to exactly “the way it was before”, in the same way that I long for a mocha frappuccino when I fast. However, what we have been hearing from our leaders is that the more likely and safe choice will be to move into a gradual re-opening of our cities - a slow reintroduction of certain freedoms. So, the lessons we can learn from fasting and Phillip Glass ought to prove very useful as we try to be patient and appreciative of this prudent approach. Then, once we begin to shop and drive and socialize more, perhaps this perspective can allow us to also more clearly notice how we respond to each stimuli as we re-engage with it, And hopefully it will inform a new normal that can be more sensible and moderate and in harmony with this planet that we call home.

And, in case you’re curious to listen to a little minimalist fare...

Notice how welcomed the first chord change is in Max Richter’s Catalogue of Afternoons: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ubjylmxrj9o

Or drape yourself in his hypnotic music like a warm duvet with his 8-hour lullaby, Sleep: https://open.spotify.com/album/0JLN7JryQ2T7lBEYIrSQF1

And for a mind trip of the eyes and ears, try Steve Reich’s Piano Phase on marimbas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3QoM7dgs_0

April 30, 2020

Film Festivals for free

Pahokee, at this year’s live-streamed Vancouver International Film Festival

Done wondering if Carol Baskin killed her husband? Couldn’t care less if Giannini and Damian actually ever get married? Well, for those who’ve exhausted the Netflix catalogue, there are plenty of other ways to enjoy film from your home. Lots of festivals have generously uploaded their content online. So, whether it’s mountain adventure, short films, foreign movies, or arthouse you’re looking for, here are some easy ways to link to those that are totally free:

Banff Mountain Film Festival - https://www.banffcentre.ca/film-fest-at-home

Cannes, Sundance, Tribeca, Toronto, Venice, Berlin and others have collaborated to bring an awesome line-up of livestream videos to the world in their 10-day We Are One Festival, starting on May 29th. While the festival will stream for free, viewers will be asked to donate to the World Health Organization’s Covid-19 solidarity response fund.

If you happen to remain gainfully employed, and it’s important to you to keep supporting independent film making, Vancouver International Film Festival has created a rental-fee structure for a number of films that they’ve now made available for streaming, too: https://viff.org/Online/default.asp

And Sedona Film Festival has done the same - https://sedonafilmfestival.com/mdfhome/

May 1, 2020

Boredom Killers: Ping-pong, birthday song, and Magritte gong wrong

Combing the internet for creative inspiration that I can share with readers has truly been a joy. It’s also got our own creative jucies flowing. So today, I thought I’d post just a few of the ways we’ve staved off boredom over these past weeks.

Tennis is one of our true passions. It’s actually sort of how Geoff and my relationship began. Given that we didn’t want our paddle skills to get too rusty, we didn’t let the fact that our little laneway house couldn’t fit a ping pong table stop us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kait-zCV94s

Coming from a huge birthday-celebrating family, I’ve tried to make sure that friends with birthdays during quarantine could still feel pampered on their special day. So, 6 of us put together this silly ditty for our good friend Roger: https://youtu.be/EZKyrdOlvPk

And, we’ve jumped on the art replication bandwagon too. The Met & the Getty Museum have both followed the lead of the Dutch gallery that first initiated the Instagram art challenge which asks people to recreate famous pieces of art with only 3 objects from their home. https://www.instagram.com/tussenkunstenquarantaine/

Here’s Geoff and my attempt with Magritte’s Lovers. The challenge also asks for participants to create new titles, so this is ours, Kissing Strategy for Stay-at-home Lazy Toothbrushers.

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292: Transformational Nutrition From the Inside Out With Cynthia Garcia

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292: Transformational Nutrition From the Inside Out With Cynthia Garcia

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Katie: Hello, and welcome to “The Wellness Mama” podcast. I’m Katie from wellnessmama.com. And I’m here today with a dear friend and mentor of mine, Cynthia Garcia, who is a celebrity nutritionist, a transformation expert, we’re gonna talk about why today, a best-selling author, and the founder and CEO of the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, which is where I got my MCHC certification. And they’re a company that makes it easy for health coaches to do the work they love by teaching them a proven coaching process that leaves them confident and credible so they can be a powerful force for good in the world. And we’re gonna talk about that today, and especially how that could be an amazing tool for us moms who wanna be home with our kids more. And Cynthia is also a mom of an amazing little girl. But Cynthia, welcome and thanks for being here.

Cynthia: Oh, my gosh, thank you so much for having me, Katie. It’s such an honor.

Katie: Oh my gosh, I’m so glad to have you here. You’re one of my favorite people to talk to and you are such an inspiration. And to start, I would love if you don’t mind to share your story and how you got into this world, because I think when people will meet you now, like, you’re such the picture of health and success in business, that it might be easy to think that you have always just been that way. And I know you have an incredible story. So, are you willing to share that today?

Cynthia: Yeah, I am. I definitely think that my life story is sort of meant for a message for me and for others. And if there’s anything that, you know, anyone can take away and learn, and maybe make their journey a little bit easier from my story, then I’m happy to share that. And you’re right. You know, I think we all kind of assume things about people when we meet them. And, you know, like, I look at you and you have it all together. And, you know, you’re running this amazing business and you have these amazing little humans that you’ve birthed into the world and that you’re just raising, and just an awe inspiring way, and then you lead this amazing audience, and this great tribe of moms. And it’s just so inspiring, but also knowing your story makes it that much more powerful. So, yeah, I’d love to share mine. Where do you want me to start?

Katie: Oh my gosh. Well, there’s so many cool layers. I guess, we’ll start at the beginning of your health journey first. And then I know that there’s the business side as well, where you have this passion to bring this to the world. But you had your own kind of health story as well, right?

Cynthia: I did. And, you know, part of my story and I guess one of my dirty little secrets is that I never had any interest in health. I just didn’t. I didn’t know a protein from a carb. I’d never heard of gluten. I honestly didn’t really care either because things were kind of okay. I didn’t have a reason to be super concerned about my health until I did. And what was happening in my life at that time was things were really hectic. I lived in Los Angeles and I was working in the entertainment industry. And I mean, much like all of us, women, I was going from morning to night and just really burning the candle at both ends, just really pushing, and striving, and pounding the pavement and, you know, trying to make a living. And that caught up with me really, really quickly. I got super sick and had a lot of different issues.

So, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome. I was exhausted from morning to night no matter how long I slept. I had cystic acne all over my face, my neck, my back. I suffered from short-term memory loss. I mean, you name it, it was happening. I was about 30 pounds overweight, 25, 30 pounds overweight at the time as well, and just trying everything, Katie. And, you know, when it first started and I first started experiencing these symptoms, I thought, you know, “I just maybe need to eat healthier,” not that I even knew what that meant, “and maybe go to the gym more.” And that didn’t work at all. I was too exhausted to hardly get off the couch. So, you know, I started seeing people. I started reading articles. You know, I went to a nutritionist and I went to a doctor, and then I got kind of desperate, and I started going to healers. And I mean, I was hypnotized once. And this went on for, gosh, about nine months, I guess, and I was only ever getting worse.

So, you know, I was popping the pills and drinking the shakes, and nothing was working. And, you know, I didn’t have a lot of money in my bank account. I had, like, a few hundred dollars in it, which was not good. Because I was living in Los Angeles and didn’t really have a lot of friends, to be honest, and no family here. And, you know, it was really scary. I’d moved out to LA on my own and went through this crazy time, I was homeless for a little bit. So, just the thought of, you know, “What am I gonna do? Like, what is happening?” And I can’t make money because unfortunately, I made money based on partially on how I looked. You know, I was in the entertainment world and was a model. So, it was a really scary time. I plunged into this really deep depression. I had been diagnosed with clinical depression really early on in my life and it’s something that I had struggled with for a long time, and I still struggle with today, just to be completely transparent.

But I got to this point, Katie, where I was just I was done, you know. And I remember I woke up one morning in my little tiny studio apartment in Hollywood, California, and I don’t know, that morning, I thought, “You know, I can do this. I’ve been through a lot of stuff in my life,” and I can share that with you. But I thought, “I can do this. Maybe today is the day I turn it all around.” You know, I just was really hoping for that fresh start. And so, I got up and I got in the shower and, you know, I’m showering, I’m my doing thing and I found a lump in one of my breasts, just this little, just node right in the side. And, you know, for women, I think, anytime we have something like that happen, it’s just like you’re frozen, you know. And I just remember reaching for my other breast and found a little node there.

And it was just, like, ice-cold chills ran over me and I just remember sinking to the floor of the shower, just sitting down. And if you remember those old television sets, Katie, the really big boxie ones that required like four men to move it into your living room, when you turn them off, it’s like they faded to this little tiny dot, this thought of light. And that’s what was happening. And I just kind of lost it and I don’t know how long I sat there but I remember putting my arms around myself and just rocking back and forth, and just in this zone, just disbelief, just really hit truly, literally, hit rock bottom. And I remember getting out of the shower when it got…because the water was cold and I was shivering, and I spent the rest of the day just in a fog. And the wee hours of the morning crept up and I’m sitting in the corner in the floor in my little apartment. There was, again, one window in this apartment and the light was coming in. And I was done, Katie, I had decided to take my own life. I decided that was the best way out. I thought, you know, “I’ve given it a good shot. They can’t say I haven’t tried.”

And so, I had a handful of pills and was ready to make that happen. And, you know, I think when you get to that point in your life, if you’ve ever been there, maybe your audience has, you, you start to kind of look at things in your life. And, for me, I started looking back and thinking you know, “Gosh, this has been such a crazy ride.” Because this was not my first time at the, you know, down and out rodeo. I was born into extreme poverty. My parents were having a really rough time. They’d had a son before me who had passed away when he was only two from a drowning accident. And they’d had a really hard go of it themselves. They weren’t really in a place to be parents. And we had no money. I remember there was no running water in my house. We had an outhouse that we had to go outside and use if we needed to go to the bathroom.

You know, there was a spring that was maybe, I don’t know, five or six miles away, and that’s where we would go get our water in old, you know, used milk jugs. And so, it was a really tough upbringing. And, you know, with those situations comes kind of what you would think. You know, my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And my mother was bipolar, and a narcissist, and very verbally and mentally abusive, physically abusive. I was sexually abused for the first time at the age of five. And that continued as I got older and it was just really, really difficult. You know, my family around me that told me I would never amount to anything. It was just a really tough upbringing. And so, having gone through so much in my life, that night on the floor, I just thought, “You know, I’m just so tired of fighting. I’m just so tired of it.” And I started questioning like, “Why me? Why has all this happened to me?”

And then when I sit there questioning with the tears rolling down my eyes, my heart just broken open just feeling, you know, worthless and hopeless. There was this voice inside of me that just said, “Well, it hasn’t happened to you, it’s happened for you.” And it’s funny, Katie, because I hear that everywhere now. But at the time, I’d never heard that. And it kind of got my attention. And I was like, I thought, “Well, if it’s happening for me, then what is it all for?” And again, this voice and whatever it is, divine intervention, God, whatever, this voice said, “Well, you’re meant for something really great.” Now, again, I had grown up with my own family telling me I was nothing, that I was trash, that I’d never amount to anything, that I might as well just give it up.

You know, I remember in high school being teased because I didn’t have a lot of money or a lot of things, and the kids, they’re telling me to go kill myself, that I should just go kill myself. And so, for that night for me to think, “Whoa, I’m meant for something great. Like, no.” But that sat with me. And it reinvigorated me and I thought, “We’re all meant for something great. You’re meant for something great.” Everyone listening is meant for something great. I believe greatness is our birthright. So, essentially, what ended up happening is I said, “Okay. You know, maybe I can do this. “You know, that fighter spirit in me came back and that survivor mentality kicked in. And I thought, “Maybe I can do this.”

So, that night, it sounds kind of crazy when I say it, but I kind of made a pact with the universe, a pact with God. And I said, “Look, if I’ll do this, I’ll give it one more chance. If you’ll open the door, I’ll walk through it.” And that’s what I’ve done ever since that night, Katie. I’ve spent my life since then really trying to help others, trying to help others, you know, get to those deeper hungers, help them recover their health, help them to live the life that I know they’re meant to live, that, you know, stepping into that greatness that is their birthright. And we can get into some of the ways I’ve done that and how I can help here today. But that’s where everything started. And that’s led us up to now.

Katie: It’s such an incredible story. And I just wanna say, I’m so grateful that you are still here with us, and that there were bigger plans for you, because I just value you so much. And I think one of the things that you just said that it bears repeating over and over is that idea that, you’re right, is more common now, but things happening for you, not to you. And I know that was a shift I had as well. I also had sexual trauma in my past, and realizing that, like anything, there’s always a lesson and there’s always something we can learn from that. And not only that, that often, you know, that other quote, that our wounds make us warrior, but, like, those things can actually, like, have a purpose in our lives when we let them, instead of just dwelling on this bad thing that happened to us.

And I know that’s my… You know, my heart goes out to any woman, other woman who’s experienced that. But that’s why I’ve been a little resistant to some of these movements that seem to just dwell in the pain of the trauma versus the transformation of the trauma. And I know, I would love to go a little deeper on that on the emotional side, because I know now that you’ve helped thousands and thousands of people really to, like, delve deep and decode that for themselves. So, to start with, what was it for you? Like, what were those initial steps for you figuring out what you were really hungry for and starting that transformation?

Cynthia: Yeah, that’s a great question. And I just wanna comment on something that you said because, you know, I think as women, we go through a lot, and oftentimes, we hide that because we think we’re alone. We think, “Oh, no one else has gone through this. They won’t know. They’ll judge me. You know, if they really knew me, what would they think? Would they like me?” And we’re all so concerned about what others think. And I get that, right? And at the same time, I know that we women are so powerful and we’re capable of everything, especially moms. I mean, come on, you created a human. That’s pretty amazing. And I also think sometimes when we go through these experiences, they don’t always make us stronger. And we don’t know how to get that strength. And sometimes we do slip into that victim mentality. And I guess, for me, what I wanted to add to what you said is just that we can overcome that. We don’t have to stay in that place. It’s not a judgment on you because someone did something to you that wasn’t right. And so, we can get on the other side of that, and we can be that powerful warrior and that survivor, and we can take our deepest pain and leverage them into our greatest power. I really believe that it’s possible for all of us because it did happen for some reason.

You know, I don’t know what that is in everyone’s life, but it definitely happened for a reason. For me, getting clear on, you know, what I was really hungry for involved me taking a real honest look at my life, Katie. And I started looking at who I had become, which is not who I am. It was not who I was, right? It was just who I… It was a version of me that I had created that I thought other people wanted to see and that other people wanted to be around, the person that other people wanted to be friends with. Because again, I thought, “Gosh, if they knew me, and if they knew my story, and they knew where I came from, like, Oh, well, they wouldn’t want to be friends with me.” You know, that would not be good. So, I spent a very long time trying to please others by compromising who I was and what I believed and what I stood for.

So, I believe that there’s really two things that we have to do in order to remember who we are, because, you know, we start these big conversations around transformation. And we go on Instagram, and we see the before and after photos. But I think we have the wrong idea about transformation and what it really means. Krishnamurti has a great quote, he said, “When you begin to understand what you are, without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.” So, what he’s saying is that you don’t have to go outside of yourself and become some other person, some other being, which is what I did, to try to please others. What’s important that you do if you really are looking for transformation in your life and you wanna live that life of greatness that’s meant for you and you wanna be healthy mind, body, and spirit, you have to really understand who you are. You have to remember who you are.

And that requires two things. One is the desire to know and two is the courage to take action. And that second one can be tough. But once you’ve decided that, “Yes, I don’t want to live my life this way. I do wanna be healthy in every way. I do wanna understand what I’m really hungry for and step into that life that I know is meant for me,” then one of the easiest ways to take action is to do things that you normally wouldn’t do. So, what I mean by that is read books you wouldn’t normally read, watch movies you wouldn’t normally watch, play a musical instrument, you know, write something, cut out pictures from magazines. Because we are so stuck in these ruts of doing the things that we think we should do that we forget or we lose track of the things that we really want to do. So, again, losing track of who we really are. So, the first step is, being gentle with yourself. That’s really important. And then having that desire to know and the courage to do something about it by exploring the things that maybe you’ve cut out of your life. Another great thing is going back to when you were a kid and looking at some of the things that you really enjoyed doing back then. So, that could have been anything, maybe it was cooking, maybe it was the great outdoors, maybe it was art, who knows. But getting back to that and starting almost from that childlike place where you were so true to who you were and so pure is a great way to start that journey. Does that make sense, Katie?

Katie: Yeah, it does. And yeah, I think that’s such an important point to address that side of things. Because you’re right, there’s so much information out there. And especially now, we all know what the things are that we need to do physically to be healthy. There’s so much information about that. But I know firsthand how easy it is to ignore that so important emotional piece, which is why what really drew me to you and to the Institute for Transformational Nutrition was that I feel like, especially for anyone, any human, but especially for women, that part is so, so important.

Cynthia: Yeah, it’s critical. I mean, the reason why… You know, I do a lot of interviews with media and TV, and, you know, work on some different shows. And one of the things I get asked a lot is, “Why don’t diets work? You know, there’s all these diet books, why don’t they work?” And the truth is, I don’t know that it’s the diets that aren’t working, I think maybe we’re not working the diets, because we’re trying to transform the wrong thing, right? We’re looking at it and we’re saying, “Oh, I’ve gotta be this size. I’ve gotta eat this food. I have to be this thing or that thing,” but it’s not really who we are. And if we’re all being honest, it’s probably not even who we really want to be. So, I think that getting really clear on that is really important. And, you know, starting this journey from almost from the beginning over.

Katie: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. So, I’d love to go a little deeper on now, what the Institute for Transformational Nutrition is, kind of the story of how it began and then, like, how you both teach people in the institute and then how they work with people in the world.

Cynthia: Yeah, I’d love to. So, you know, I started this journey that night on the floor. After I’d made this pact, this agreement with God, I thought, “You know, I should probably learn more about the body, and about nutrition, and how this whole thing works.” Because, again, I was relying on the experts, like, “experts,” right? And so, I thought, “Okay. I need to go back to school. I need to study. I need to learn.” And I got on my computer that night and thank goodness for Google. And I started just looking for nutrition programs and certification programs. And I found one. I called the next morning. I used three different credit cards to sign up because I didn’t have any money. I’d spent all the money I had on, you know, going outside trying to find someone to make me better. But that was okay, Katie, because I knew that I was really investing in the only thing I had left to invest in, and that was me. You know, again, we’re all so much stronger than we think we are, right? And especially, as women and moms, I think we can do everything. I think we are only limited by our imagination.

So, anyways, I took that leap and I started studying. And I started, you know, getting an education and I started working with clients. And I realized really quickly that they were seeing some things that were just really wrong about the way we were approaching nutrition, and coaching, and health coaching. And there’s one woman that triggered it for me, and I’ll share the story with you because man, she changed my whole life. She was a client and she was coming to me because she had a really hard time with sweets. Now, I know you and I don’t know anything about that. We don’t like sweets, especially that yummy dark chocolate. I kid, of course. But she really had a hard time getting away from candy bars. And so, she came in and I started coaching her, very nutritional, very physical nutrition-oriented.

And we’d make meal plans together and she’d go away every week with this meal plan ready to just take action. And she’d come back the following week having eaten candy bars every single day. And this went on for maybe four weeks. And she came in one day and had caught me in just the right mood. Ladies, we all get in just the right mood sometimes. And she came in and, again, the candy bars, and I said to her, “Look, you know, Janet,” which is not her name, I said, “Look, Janet, you know, every week you come in, every week we make this plan, every week you go off, and then you come back and there’s candy bars. Like, help me understand because, at this point, I feel like you’re wasting my time and your money.”

And she did something, Katie, that thankfully, no one has done to me before or since. She stood up and she started yelling at me. And she told me this story and it changed the course of my work forever. She said, “You know, when I was a little girl, my parents got divorced. And my mom was really unhappy, my mom was really insecure, and she started dating this man who she was really into, but turns out he wasn’t into me.” Turns out he wasn’t into kids at all. So, her mother with this need to really get her self-esteem back and feel good about herself would take Janet when she was a little girl out to Blockbuster Video, if we remember those old days, and she would get her all these movies, buy her candy bars, and bring her home, and put her in a room so she could watch movies and eat the candy bars while the mom, the boyfriend were downstairs. And then afterwards, the daughter could come out again. So, this woman said to me that day in my office while she’s yelling, she said, “You are trying to take away the only friends and the only love I have, and I just won’t let you.” And it stunned me. I thought, “Whoa, wait, what?” And she sat down and I think she’d even shocked herself.

Like, we were both just in this state of shock, just staring at each other. And I realized in that moment, there was such a bigger reason as to why you know diets don’t work, or why we can’t just transform into the person that we want, or lose the weight, or get the health back. Why do we know what to do but still won’t do it? And I realized those reasons are so deeply rooted in things like past trauma, and past pain and, you know, abuse, like we talked about. And there’s so many bigger concepts. So, I started building in mental wellness to my coaching and really looking at, you know, the anxiety that my clients were going through, the past events that had really damaged them in some way, hurt them in some way, that they thought they were, you know, irreparable.

And that worked for a while. I was able to really drill down. We were able to get them to take better action, really care for themselves, and they started seeing better results. But I realized there was still another piece missing. It’s like we were getting so close, but not quite there. And that was, even after we broke through the trauma, even after we said, “Here are the reasons you know what to do and you’re still not doing it,” I realized that women were still hungry. You know, we live in a country where we eat more than any other nation in the world and yet we’re starving to death. Not just for nutrients, but for more, for pleasure, for meaning, for purpose, for self-worth, if we’re being really honest here. And I realized so many women didn’t have that. So, at the end of the day, when it came to even, you know, knowing the right foods to eat and then knowing how to overcome the past trauma and their trigger and do the “right” thing. Well, some women, at the end of the day, most of us, in fact, didn’t really feel like we’re worth it. Like, we didn’t deserve to take the time, or to do the things, or to get the right foods, or to meditate, or to reconnect with ourselves. So, I started looking at spiritual nutrition and realizing that we’re fed by so much more than just what’s on our plate.

So, where does that meaning and purpose and self-worth, and, you know, today would call it self-love, where does that all come from? Because I believe that you have to feed yourself all of those things, right? You have to get to know who you are intimately and feed who you are if you’re really looking to transform into who you’ve always been. And so, I put together this system, this method because I thought that this is really great. So, we looked at not just physical nutrition but mental nutrition and spiritual nutrition. And I put together this system, and the women and the results were just amazing. I mean, they started not just getting healthy and losing weight and balancing hormones and healing gut health, but they got out of relationships that weren’t serving them, and found that partner of their dreams. They left careers where they had no meaning and purpose, and they felt like they weren’t contributing. And they started their own businesses. And, you know, they did the work that they loved. And I thought, “I wanna take this to a bigger scale.” And that’s when I started the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, and transformational nutrition is what I called this method, this practice of bringing together these three pillars, you know, physical nutrition, mental nutrition, and spiritual nutrition into one practice. And so, today, we train and certify health coaches in this method so that their clients get amazing breakthroughs, amazing results, and finally, transform back into the person they were always meant to be.

Katie: I love that and I know firsthand just how incredible that program is. And I wanna go a little bit deeper. But first, I wanna go back to something you said about that client and her outburst, and how, like, there were such a deeper connection to that particular food, that obviously wasn’t just about the sugar or the craving at all. And it made me really think, you know, both of us are moms and certainly, like, I wanna go deeper on how we all have these things inside of us and how to work through them. But, I also really think about our kids and how much our culture really does tie food into emotional experiences, especially, like I look back into, like, birthdays, where every good experience in my childhood was tied to sugary foods or tied to junk food in some way. And so, I mean, other than the obvious of, like, making healthy food choices, do you have any ways that you are doing that, like, fostering a healthy relationship with food and emotion with your daughter and your family or suggestions that you would give to other families? Like, how do we help, hopefully, our kids avoid some of these pitfalls?

Cynthia: Yeah, gosh, it’s such a great question. And that’s really what it’s about, right? As moms, we want our kids, we want them happy. We want them healthy. And we just want them to have a better life. We want them to avoid the pains that we went through when we were young. And so, yeah, I mean, I have really open honest conversations with my daughter around food and I have since she was born. But we never use food as a reward. It’s just never something that we do. You don’t get a sweet for being a good girl, or for cleaning your room, or just doing the things that you should be doing as a little human. We also don’t use food as a punishment, you know, like,” Oh, you don’t get dessert tonight,” or send you to bed without dinner, or some of those other what I feel are very outdated ideas, because we start this relationship then at a very young age with children and their food. And as we all know, that can be very detrimental when they’re older.

And so, little things, you know, like, “Oh, you were so great. Let’s take you out for ice cream,” those have a long-lasting impact on children as they get older. And I’ve seen this in literally thousands of clients over the years. Even myself, you know, I can look back, I remember my 8th birthday, no one remembered. My parents didn’t remember my birthday. And, you know, as an 8-year-old, that was really tough. I was expecting a little cake. And again, we didn’t really have money, so I wasn’t expecting any presents, but maybe just someone to acknowledge that it was my birthday would have been great. But that didn’t happen. And as a result, I had issues with that. I mean, I still struggle with it. Every year, my birthday rolls around, I’m like, “Where’s that cake? Give me that cake.” Because it’s just an emotional trigger inside of me. And I know, you know, how to choose and so on now. But that was something that, for me, was really tough. So, I think just the little things. Another thing I never do is, I never make my daughter eat her vegetables. I just don’t do that. She doesn’t see them any different than any other food on her plate because I’ve never made it a big deal.

This is gonna sound really, really crazy, but I don’t limit her sugar. She does. I think that children are so much smarter than we give them credit for. You know, just because they’re in smaller bodies than we are, sometimes we think maybe they’re not as wise, and I don’t think that’s true. I really believe that they know so much. And if we can create this intuitive eating pattern and this awareness in them when they’re young, letting them make their own decisions, educating them on why maybe this food will help you grow and be healthy and this food maybe not so much. That doesn’t mean the food is bad. It just means that you’re not gonna have the same benefits from eating that food as you would this one. It’s just that education process is really critical.

And so, I’ve educated her from the very beginning and now if she wants a little sweet, she has it, but she never overdoes it. Same thing, some night she’ll a ton of vegetables, some not so much. And that’s okay, sometimes that’s what I do, you know. But she has this really positive relationship. One other thing that I would recommend that I just saw work wonders with my daughter, Rain, as she started to get older, is letting her choose the foods and even if… We don’t have a garden, I wish we did. But having her, you know, pick fresh herbs that we grow or going out to where you, you know, you pick your own fruits and veggies, and letting her be involved in picking the berries off the vine, and bringing it home, and then cooking. That’s been really, really important. You know, if kids help you grow and harvest food, they’ll eat that food. You know, even if that food is kale, they’ll eat that food. And if they have a hand in cooking and preparing it, they take pride in that, they’ll eat that food, even if it’s a salad, you know. So, letting them just be actively involved, educating them from the very beginning, and then not passing on the reward and punishment paradox that were so wrapped up in maybe when we were younger or maybe got from our parents, those are some things that have been, you know, the most powerful in our family.

Katie: I think those are all such great tips. And that’s something that’s been an evolution for me as well, in my parenting. You know, early on when I was sick and I had Hashimoto’s, and was trying to figure out kind of how to get back to health myself, I had to be really strict with myself on avoiding certain foods. And the kids definitely, like, obviously at home, they saw that and they picked up on it a little bit. And now, I think it surprises a lot of people to know, I don’t actively limit their food choices either, especially when they’re somewhere else. Like, I do view it as my responsibility, like, when you’re in my house, I’m gonna make nutritious food because that’s my responsibility as a mom and that’s what we like. But I don’t give them hard and fast rules or guidelines when they’re somewhere else and I let them make those decisions because I don’t want food to ever seem like, like you said, like a reward or something forbidden. I want them to have the tools to be able to make those decisions and also to notice things, like, they don’t feel good when they eat too much sugar, rather than it being this, like, forbidden carrot that they want to go find. So, I think that’s really, really why is the approach you take with her. And I know she’s an exceptional young lady, so it seems to be working really well.

Cynthia: Well, thank you, I’m honestly just trying to keep up with you, if we’re being totally honest here. I just think that you’re such an amazing inspiration. And I’m always learning from you, how you parent your children, and how you show up for them. And one of the things that I love that you do is, you’re so empowering for them. And first of all, by being a really powerful example and showing up in the world the way that you do and being such a leader and an inspiration to so many others, but also the fact that you allow them to really stand in their own power, I think it’s one of the best things that I’ve seen mothers do and just seeing you as an example in that, and you being a guide for me, has been really, truly a blessing.

Katie: Oh, thank you for that. That means so much coming from you.

Katie: And I wanna make sure we also talk more about health coaching, because that was very much part of my journey. I originally had gone to school for journalism and I was thinking of, like, a political science career. And then when I realized that family was gonna be much more important to me and that I wanted to be a mom, but then also, went through my own health struggles, I really got into the nutrition side. And that was so much a part of my journey. And I know that it has been for quite a few of my really good friends as well. And I think it’s such an empowering option, like you just mentioned, for women, because it’s something that we can do in a flexible way and often from home. So, I wanna talk more about the practical side of Institute for Transformational Nutrition and how people can get involved with that. Because I think it is a way just like you and just like me, that people can start to make that positive ripple in the world and do something that’s empowering and fulfilling.

Cynthia: Yeah. I’d love to talk about that because, one, because there’s a huge demand for health coaches rght now, we’re seeing it everywhere. I mean, it has exploded and is expected to continue to do so. I mean, we’re looking at it being a $6 billion industry, which is amazing. I mean, right now, it is the number one. It’s number one in the fastest five growing highest paying jobs. It grew last year by 21%. And it’s predicted to grow by another 21% by 2022. And it’s interesting because that’s faster than any other industry is growing on average across the globe. So, it’s an exciting time and as you said, especially, for women. I was really glad when I had my health struggle that I landed on nutrition and coaching because it actually enabled me to be at home with my daughter then when she was born because I had become a coach, and I could have the flexibility and the freedom, and I could work with, you know, on my schedule, and sometimes on the weekends when my husband could be with our daughter. And it turns out, that’s when most people want coaching anyway because they’re working during the week.

So, evenings and weekends, I started just, you know, working and getting clients. But it’s a great option for moms because of that flexibility and because of the wisdom that you gain by becoming a coach that you can then use with your family. And for me, that has just been huge, you know, having this education, being able to get my family well. My husband had a whole thing about maybe a year or two ago with leaky gut and started having these severe allergic reactions to foods, like, going into anaphylactic shock and we’d have to rush him to the hospital. But the great thing about that is because I had the education and the background, I was able to put together a really strong protocol. We were able to heal his leaky gut using transformational nutrition and he hasn’t had any symptoms since.

So, the value that you also bring into your own family is tremendous. And we’re seeing so many people right now at the Institute of Transformational Nutrition, including, you know, moms, some new moms, some moms that their kids are in school now. And they wanna really contribute in a big way. They wanna have the health for their families. We’re also seeing a lot of women who are looking to change careers because, you know, they wanna set that great example for their children. They wanna show up in the world and do things that matter. They wanna contribute to that next generation, which is really important to us. As a matter of fact, we have a whole community called the transformation generation because we are coming together as coaches, determined to make the world better for our children. So, yeah, It’s such a great opportunity for moms right now if they’re interested in being a health coach.

Katie: Yeah, absolutely. Like, I think we’re at the perfect time for it with so much of this being, you know, in the mainstream right now and people starting to really understand why all of these things are so important and why the personalization aspect is so important. Also, talk a little bit more about the accreditation, because I know like you mentioned it, but that’s something that really does separate you guys from a lot of the other options.

Cynthia: Yeah, I’d love to. So, one of the things that we knew from the very beginning was that, you know, we have this really great method called transformational nutrition. And, you know, a lot of people talk about mind, body, spirit, but transformational nutrition is currently the only scientific study of health and wellness on multiple levels that includes, you know, the physical nutrition, the mental nutrition, which is so critical these days, and spiritual nutrition, which, you know, has nothing to do with religion necessarily, but it’s all about connection, you know, connection to others, connection to yourself, relationships, your bigger purpose, and your bigger mission. And so, we knew that this was something really special.

So, when we started our school, we looked around and we would hear stories from students coming to us saying, “Oh, you know, I went to this school and I was halfway through and they just shut down,” or, “I went to this school and found out they actually weren’t a school and I kind of have to start over.” And that was so tough to hear, Katie, because, you know, these people had put their faith and this trust in these certification programs, and they put their money, and they invested their time. And so, we decided to take it to that next level. So, we are actually a fully state-licensed school, fully licensed and accredited through the state of Washington. So, we are a post-secondary educational institute, just like any other school, any other university out there. And for us, that’s important, but it’s even more important for our students to have that credibility and to, you know, actually come from… I mean, we’re kind of known in the industry as the next level, sort of like this Ivy League. We’re full of forward thinkers and, you know, credible coaches, and it’s why our coaches get paid more, it’s why they have longer and more fulfilling careers, is because we take our education very seriously, as it should be.

Katie: Absolutely. And I know a lot of people listen to this podcast while driving or exercising, so, for any of you guys who are interested, well, actually, multiple links will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. But also, if you are by a computer right now, the direct link is transformationalnutrition.com/wellnessmama. so you guys can start to learn more about what Cynthia is talking about. And like I said at the beginning, this is where I received my certification, and it was amazing and transformational, to use that word, for me. So, I highly recommend it for any of you who have asked me what I recommend when it comes to becoming a health coach or getting involved in this world. And Cynthia, like I said at the beginning too, I could talk to you all day and I feel like our time always just flies by because you’re so fun to talk to, but a couple of questions I love to ask toward the end. First being, if there’s a book or a number of books that have really changed your life and if so, what they are and why?

Cynthia: Oh, gosh. So, I’m a voracious reader. It’s true. I’d rather read than eat, Katie, I swear. Just reading feeds me, you know, getting back to those deepest hungers. But there was a book that I found that really did radically change my life. When I first started my healing journey, I’d enrolled in this program that I shared. I just decided I didn’t know anything about healing my life. And strangely enough, I went to the bookstore and found the book called “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay, and I know you’re familiar with it. And it’s sort of like a good starter book, I say, for people who are interested in looking at what feeds you more than food, and looking at how your past trauma, and past pain, or maybe a troubled relationship with parents can be overcome, how you can really find your worth, and find your purpose, and your mission. And, you know, Louise Hay, who wrote the book, had her own struggle, her own health struggle. She was diagnosed with breast cancer earlier in her life and her career and was able to essentially heal her life. But I love it because it talks about, you know, our physical ailments and how they’re really tied to our deeper emotional trauma and triggers and what’s going on in our lives. So, that was huge for me, getting started and, again, just that great, you know, like, lowest level book to start with, but also one that’s so powerful, so don’t underestimate it. That was huge for me. Also, anything by Ram Dass, he’s definitely my greatest spiritual teacher. He’s amazing. You know, starting with “A Journey to Awakening,” it’s a great book to begin with. If you’re looking for a more spiritual and emotional journey, that’s always a great place to start. But yeah, those are some of my two, two of the ones I’d recommend to start.

Katie: I love those and those will be in the show notes as well for any of you listening. Lastly, Cynthia, is there any parting advice you wanna leave with our audience today, if related to our topic today or not, just any parting advice you wanna leave?

Cynthia: So, you know, I get asked this question a lot too. I don’t really give people advice, Katie, and I’ll tell you why. The truth is, I find that when I do they seldom take it anyway. And besides, I really believe that people already know what they wanna do in their lives. I think people know what advice they would give themselves. I think they know the right next step. I think that deep down they know. We all know. Like, I could give advice all day, but really what I want people to do is stop going outside of themselves and looking to the gurus, and the experts, and the authors, and the whatever the titles are, thought leaders, influencers, and really reconnect with yourself because I believe you have all the answers you need inside of you. And you might say, “Oh, but I don’t.” But I believe you do. I believe when we get quiet and we put the phones down, and we step away from all the distractions that numb us out from our daily life, I believe that we can hear, I believe we can hear what our body needs. I believe we can hear what our heart needs. I believe we can hear what our soul needs.

So, I’d rather give people the tools to really drill down and discover those wants and, you know, figure out what they’re really hungry for so they can then go feed themselves. Sometimes I think advice is disempowering, right? I’d rather you find those answers inside yourself so that you take back that power and use that to leverage and move you forward. Does that make sense? I’m not trying to avoid answering the question, I’m just rather inviting everyone to ask themselves that question. What advice would they give themselves? What is the next step? What do they need to do in their lives to really live the one that they want to be living? I’d rather we all take that on that personal mission for ourselves. It’s a much, much sweeter journey.

Katie: I agree. And I think that’s a perfect place to wrap up. And like I said, I highly, highly recommend the Institute for Transformational Nutrition, and all those links will be in the show notes at wellnessmama.fm. I definitely hope you guys will check it out. And Cynthia, I know how busy you are and how many people you help on a daily basis, so I’m honored you took the time to be here today.

Cynthia: Yeah. Thank you, Katie. It really is all my pleasure. Again, you’re such a light in my life. And just, yeah, thank you for all the support you offer, especially around, you know, ITN. You’ve done so much great things, so many great things with your education, and you’re such an inspiration. So, thank you, again, for just letting me be a part of your world.

Katie: Oh, thank you, Cynthia. And thanks to all of you for listening and sharing your most valuable asset, your time, with both of us today. We’re so glad that you did, and I hope that you will join me again on the next episode of “The Wellness Mama” podcast.

If you’re enjoying these interviews, would you please take two minutes to leave a rating or review on iTunes for me? Doing this helps more people to find the podcast, which means even more moms and families could benefit from the information. I really appreciate your time, and thanks as always for listening.

Source: https://wellnessmama.com/podcast/transformational-nutrition/

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independentartistbuzz · 7 years ago

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Indie 5-0: 5 Questions with John Dylan

Multi-instrumentalist and producer extraordinaire, John Dylan, has had music running through his veins before he was even born, his parents playing the likes of Elvis Costello, Bob Marley and Stevie Ray Vaughn whilst he was still in the womb. After previously having exhibited his work through the genre-defying band Terrene, (Produced by Phil Ek: The Shins, Fleet Foxes, Built to Spill). John has now gone solo, to focus on his talents as a songwriter. His upcoming album Peripheral Drift Illusion is set for a fall release.

1. Tell us about "Get Beyond." What was the inspiration behind your sound and the video’s imagery?

Well I was at a very low point in my life during the writing of this song. I had been laid off, my house was broken into and I was robbed, my car was stolen, my girlfriend’s car was broken into, I was filing for bankruptcy and the house was ultimately foreclosed on. I had recently gotten a diagnosis of chronic anxiety. The layoff was precipitated by the big financial crash, and it was 2009 and there was this feeling of darkness in my head about my life and the world… But 2009 was also a year the Beatles got a little press. The remastered discography came out that year and also their video game, which was really fun.

I was already a huge fan and have been since I was in grade school. Ever since I heard the jaunty bassline in “All My Loving.” And even though I am most into their experimental stuff, their political stuff, and their more mature work generally, there is just something about Paul’s bass playing that I just loved as a kid and still love now; it’s like he is expressing pure happiness and acceptance through just very intentional bass playing. It just connects.

And that was sort of the beginning of the idea. I was so low, I was just reaching for anything that made me feel better, something that had that real, “from when I was a kid,” true comfort and joy in it. And it just started with that... “bounce.”

I didn’t take anything else from it, just that feeling like, what if there was a bassline that just made people feel better?

The video tries to go from where the song starts (“in haven bed I stay”) to where it finishes (“you must prepare to let your real self show; get beyond!”) visually. It starts with 2-tone xeroxed-looking black and white. Then progresses to vector-traced slow-motion. Then it progresses to psychedelic vector-traced slow-motion. Then you have “gotten beyond” and are floating in space and are free of your pain. I have always wanted to get into vector tracing ever since A Scanner Darkly and Waking Life came out. It turns out it requires more manual work than you might realize for it to look like that. Little variations in the color averaging from frame to frame creates flicker and I couldn’t figure out a way to solve that, programmatically. Still, if you watch it in fullscreen in very high quality you get a sense of the effect pretty well. Not so much if it’s zoomed out or low-bitrate or non-HD; then it basically just looks posterized.

2. How did the collaboration with legendary Beatles artist Klaus Voormann come about?

I was trying to do some collage work for the album art. I have this super cheap laser printer/scanner that basically functions like a xerox machine and I was trying to do black and white surreal collages, maybe a bit inspired by punk flyers. I have a compendium of Cometbus’s work, the book about 924 Gilman by Brian Edge, and even a book called Punk: An Aesthetic that compiles all kinds of brilliant work.

But, I found my efforts to be a bit clumsy, and realized that, speaking of the Beatles, what I really was imagining was something more surrealist, like the cover for The Beatles’ Revolver, that I have always loved. I have it as a magnet. I also have a t-shirt that has the Revolver artwork except it’s a Simpsons shirt and The Beatles are replaced by The B-Sharps and the collage is full of Simpsons references.

So I emailed Klaus and I told him about me, and what I was doing, and work of his that I really like. I told him about the themes of the album, and what I was thinking about, and of course shared the music with him. And he said “yes.” He has been very kind.

As for the punk collage work, my favorite artist in that area was, and is, Jesse Michaels, the lead singer for Operation Ivy, among other bands. So I also wrote him about doing a piece for an upcoming single, and he said yes, too.

I like working with musicians who make art because I feel like they get it in this really cool way and there’s this homemade, earnest feeling to what they make. They’re multi-talented, working from their home. Coincidentally, since I recorded and performed this album at home by myself, that suits the project very well.

3. You’ve played in some notable bands and we were curious how it feels do everything solo on your forthcoming album.

With no offense meant to the members of Terrene I feel like individual musicians who specialize in an instrument can often see a song in a very “this is my part” kind of way. We would go into the studio, and people are just like “alright, my guitar part: done.” “Bass: finished.” But I was always the stickler trying to get all the pieces to add up. So I would stay behind and be like “WE’RE NOT DONE.” And do overdubs. Too many overdubs.

Then, I went too far the other way; the final product of Terrene’s album, through no fault of Phil Ek, who is a wonderful producer, was very sonically crowded with ideas. Way too many layers of stuff on songs that are far too simple to be carrying them. When you read the criticism of “overproduced,” that’s a tough one.

So, I gave myself a rule: Don’t do any recordings that a 5-piece band couldn’t pull off. And, though you would need a very talented band to do it, I stuck to it on this record!

Mars Accelerator was more circumspect, we would sit for hours talking about arrangements and trying to make it work. At the best of times, that’s how it’s supposed to work, at least for the kind of music I’m interested in making; everybody thinking like a songwriter and arranger. Something that gets better if you listen to it a second time and try to find the little things. You can feel the difference in something where all the pieces were thought through. Unfortunately, Mars suffered from the other problem with working with bands: it was hard to get everyone together and commit time. People moved away and… That’s where we’re at. Maybe we’ll resume soon. I would love to. I think playing with them made my music a lot more complex and hard-edged. I am not averse to distortion and more angular, difficult ideas, the way I was during Terrene.

Doing it yourself is empowering. But you have to strike this balance where you discipline yourself and not fall in love with every idea you have, yet you also love yourself enough to call something “done” when it’s done.

4. What artists are you listening to currently?

I actually keep an excellent bunch of playlists up on my YouTube page that I strongly suggest people check out.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAgntbIlnXuy4FfX1u6FRBA

I always love to use my megaphone to highlight good music, and I share thousands of songs on there of stuff I’m listening to right now. Yearly best-ofs going back to 2008. Plus my “writer’s block cure” playlist of stuff that you can put in the background and write to, without it infecting your internal wordstream. My day job is as a writer, you see.

Every once in awhile I get an idea for a themed playlist. A recent one was my favorite female-fronted music. I need to add a lot more to that, actually.

5. What's your favorite instrument to play in the studio and favorite to play live (if different) and why?

In the studio I really like playing drums. Drums were my first instrument, I started playing when I was about 4 or so. I was sitting in my car seat and my parents realized I was hitting the safety bar in time with the music and getting into it. The viscerality of the drum performance sets the tone for the entire track. I am often humming very loudly when I play, which gets picked up on microphones sometimes, because I have the music in my head playing so loud and I want to make a noise over the sound of the drums -- with the drums, mixed into the drums. It’s just a pure state of creation.

Live, I really enjoy playing bass. I feel like the audience starts to “get” the song once the bass player drives the song home. It’s not too hard for me to play, so I can just groove out. Live drums would be too much pressure to be as fun. It’s very different keeping time so other musicians can play to you vs. laying down an idea on tape.

So of course live, I play guitar. Hah!

Find John Dylan Online:

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SoundCloud

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#john dylan

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bearingwater · 8 years ago

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April Forecast for Aquarius

Get out and circulate! The Sun is in Aries and your third house of communication until April 19, sparking up your social life. Local action could heat up, so head out and explore the happenings in your ‘hood. You might need to make a conscious effort NOT to overbook, since your calendar will fill quickly and you could exhaust yourself with too much running around. Still, this is a vibrant time to network and mingle, as you’ll easily draw kindred spirits into your orbit.

Fun as flitting about may be, April has its…complications. Five (yes, five) planets will be retrograde (www.astrostyle.com/learn-astrology/retrogrades) this April, a challenging cycle that IS ideal for inspecting and revamping. As the month begins, Venus and Jupiter are already retrograde, to be joined by Saturn, Mercury and Pluto. Retrogrades occur when the Earth and another planet pass each other in their journeys around the Sun, creating the illusion that one of them is moving backward. Since retrogrades govern the past, unfinished business often comes up to be handled, and people we haven’t seen in awhile (if not years) can resurface.

Harmonizer Venus has been retrograde since March 4 in Aries, which may have created a few social speed bumps or lover’s quarrels. It might be a relief that Venus is leaving Aries on April 2, backing into Pisces for the duration of its retrograde, which ends on April 15. Since Pisces rules your second house of work, money and security, there could be conflict with colleagues and clients, or ripples of discord at the office. Your self-confidence might take a small nosedive, so do things to affirm your worth, like treating yourself exquisitely.

We’re not saying a spa pedicure and hot-stone massage are the long-term antidote to insecurities, but pampering yourself can help lift you out of a self-flagellating slump. Just make sure any retail therapy you indulge in has a generous return policy, as aesthetic Venus’ backspin can lead to some major style missteps. Hold off on big-ticket furniture items or pricey wardrobe pieces. Instead, how about doing a closet edit and donating home decor items that no longer suit your tastes? When Venus turns direct on April 15, you can shop to your heart’s content.

Some grander plans might have sputtered a bit, thanks to expansive Jupiter’s retrograde in Libra and your visionary ninth house from February 6 to June 9. The ninth house rules publishing, travel, study and entrepreneurship—big themes for Aquarians ever since Jupiter entered Libra on September 9, 2016. But have things gotten too big too soon? Use this cycle to pause and catch up, making sure you’re not biting off more than you can realistically chew. You might enroll in a short summer extension course to build your skills (like the finer points of social media or Javascript, perhaps) or take a trip back to an old favorite place for inspiration. When Jupiter zooms ahead in June, you’ll have the spotted planet in this lucky zone until October 10, the perfect time for a really ambitious launch.

The one exception to this arrives on April 11, at the year’s only Libra full moon. This could bring an exciting opportunity to put your boldest message in the spotlight. Have you been holding back the truth? The moon will form a tense square to potent Pluto in your twelfth house of hidden information. An unexpected and intense conversation could erupt, and while the atmosphere may get heated, at least you’ll clear the air. Just don’t whip out a laundry list of everything this person did wrong in the past six months. Take some responsibility: If you didn’t tell them you were upset, how could they have known?

As if that weren’t enough to navigate, April brings three new retrograde cycles, starting with structured Saturn. From April 5 to August 25, the tough taskmaster will backspin through Sagittarius, impacting your eleventh house of teamwork and technology. Plans could get mired in red tape and bureaucracy. A collaboration could slow down, or team members might not see eye to eye. Is there a weak link in the chain? With stern Saturn here, you may need to do the hard work of asking someone to leave or of distancing yourself from a draining friend. If too much has fallen on your shoulders, you might step down from leadership and let others pull their weight. Planning an online launch or digital debut? Saturn’s U-turn pushes you to ensure your product is airtight before springing it on the public. Test everything behind the scenes. When your YouTube channel goes viral, you’ll be glad you took the extra time to craft the plan or hire that pro editor.

Speaking of all things digital, from April 9 to May 3, communicator Mercury goes retrograde (www.astrostyle.com/mercury-retrograde), disrupting technology, communication and travel for almost a month. This cycle happens three or four times a year, and it’s notorious for confounding interpersonal matters. Practice radical patience and back up your data and devices stat, before Mercury swoops down and erases your Great American Novel. If possible, delay signing contracts, or at least scrutinize the fine print before you do.

Mercury will be retrograde in Taurus and your domestic fourth house until April 20, which could stir up discord at Chateau Water Bearer. Hold off on any big plans to renovate or oust a roommate (unless you have due cause). Put together a Pinterest mood board of inspired interior design and try to hash things out with the people under your roof. And by all means, declutter your nest, especially if you’ve accumulated too much over the winter. Retrogrades are favorable times for reunions. Reconnect with relatives or important women, since the fourth house rules the ladies in your life. From April 20 to May 3, Mercury backs into Aries and your communication zone, a time to really watch what you say, email and post. All things verbal or written can (and likely will) be misconstrued.

With all this drama is going on in the stars, why not do a deep dive into your own psyche and emotions? If you can’t beat the cosmos, you might as well join ’em! As within, so without—and maybe if you get right inside yourself, your outer world will stabilize accordingly. Transformational Pluto, ruler of the unconscious, goes retrograde in your twelfth house of healing, closure and hidden information from April 20 to September 28. This could be a powerful time to reconnect with your intuition or do some forgiveness work. (Here are a few spiritual tips http://bodhispiritualcenter.org/5-techniques-to-work-on-forgiveness/). You might need to grieve a loss or deal with a mind-body health issue. Explore the link between emotions and wellbeing, since “mysterious” chronic symptoms often signal a deeper issue you haven’t wanted to confront. Pluto retrograde will snap you out of denial, but ultimately, that’s a good thing.

With shadowy Pluto backing through this mystical zone, you might be grieving a loss or having psychic dreams. You could receive healing messages from a departed loved one while you sleep or get undeniable “signs” that guides from the other side are assisting you. Meditation, listening to music, dance—these are just a few ways you can get out of your head and tune in to powerful leads from the universe.

Whew! So much going on, Aquarius. Feel free to hunker down at home and escape from April 19 on, when the Sun makes its annual sojourn through Taurus and your domestic fourth house. The April 26 Taurus new moon could bring exciting news for your personal life: a move, a pregnancy or an opportunity for some nurturing self-care. New moons unfold over a span of six months, so set intentions for your personal life. Where and how would you like to live? Start researching new cities or neighborhoods for a perfect fit. Is there a family relationship that needs healing? Extend the first twig of that olive branch. Someone has to make the first move, and it might as well be you.

Love & Romance

Romance on the rocks? The first couple weeks of this month could be choppy while love planet Venus is retrograde from March 4 to April 15. Venus makes this tricky backspin every 18 months for about six weeks, and it's a good time to reevaluate relationship dynamics and try to iron out any differences. In some cases, couples may go their separate ways; in others, since retrogrades can bring back the past, old lovers might reappear on the scene.

From April 2 to 28, Venus is in Pisces and your second house of security. There could be discord over money: Is one of you footing an unfair share of the dinner tabs or bills? Since the second house also rules self-esteem, you might discover a need to shore yours up before hitting the dating scene again. Take a time-out from Tinder if it’s been chipping away at your self-worth or making you jaded about love. This Aquarius woman’s story of why she took a break from dating apps (http://www.rannysays.com/blog/2016/1/19/why-im-taking-a-break-from-tinder) could give you food for thought. If you’re getting over a breakup, get a shot of meme-fueled confidence from the Brokenhearted Babe Instagram account (https://www.instagram.com/brokenheartedbabe/), also curated by an Aquarius.

But don’t plan on wallowing for too long! From April 21 to June 4, lusty Mars marches into Gemini and your fiery fifth house, pumping up the passion. Spring fever cometh! You’ll be turning heads and attracting admirers without even trying. Mars only visits this part of your chart every couple years, so take advantage. Reach for bolder statement pieces and brighter colors when you go out. With the red planet here, there’s no such thing as “too much.” For couples, your mojo gets a spicy spring awakening. Single Aquarians might decide to lift your temporary Tinder ban. But honestly, your infectious joie de vivre is likely to magnetize some passionate prospects in real-time. Why swipe when you can meet on the dance floor or exchange a laugh while you wait for your brunch tables?

Opportunity Days

April 6: Mars-Pluto Trine Whoa! Who knew you felt that strongly about something? Probably not even you. Today, something could trigger you, bringing up powerful emotions that can actually be healing when they see the light of day. For couples, this karmic day might spark a gesture that brings you closer, like meeting each other’s relatives or exchanging keys, or possibly news of a pregnancy. This is a powerful moment for healing, forgiveness and breaking an old family behavior pattern. Single? You may have a soulmate encounter or romantic deja vu. Have you known each other in another lifetime?

April 26: Taurus New Moon A new emotional chapter opens as the new moon awakens a nurturing and sensitive part of you. Family and home are also in the lunar spotlight. A move, pregnancy or lifestyle change could unfold in the coming six months.

Challenge Days

April 20-September 28: Pluto Retrograde Get ready to go into those shadowy places and explore your hidden blind spots. Plumb-the-depths Pluto plunges into reverse motion, putting you intensely in touch with powerful, possibly painful feelings. Consider taking a healing retreat to work through core wounds. If you’ve skipped over the healing process, you may need to go back and deal with it now. You might be especially driven to explore the hidden meanings and mysteries of everything due to Pluto's presence in this spiritual zone. This is also a good time for intensive therapy, especially if you're healing from a childhood trauma. Art, music, dance and any right-brain activity can be especially transporting.

Money & Career

Spread the word, Aquarius! With the Sun in Aries and your communication house until April 19, this is an excellent time for networking, pitching and putting a creative message out there. Don’t hide your smarts, either, as this intellectual cycle is perfect for putting your quirky “geek chic” on full display. We love everything about your fellow Aquarius (and proud bookworm) Emma Roberts’ new website, Belletrist (https://belletrist.com), an online book club that features interviews with authors she loves. Gather kindred spirits through social media and IRL meetups, and see what you can stir up together.

Working from home could be productive this month, as motivated Mars steams through Taurus and your domestic fourth house until April 21. Convert that cluttered corner or spare nook into a productive space. Women figure into your ambitious aims. A powerful and well-connected female could open doors or make an auspicious intro. If you’re thinking of starting a cottage industry, devote some energy to that.

Opportunity Days

April 5-August 25: Saturn Retrograde Press pause or take a sober step back from a group- or tech-related project. You could face a few obstacles to building your dream team or implementing technology.

April 7: Sun-Jupiter Opposition Know-it-all alert! People (yourself included) could be blowing a lot of hot air under this ego-driven cosmic aspect. Don’t believe the hype. While it all sounds exciting and promising, very little of what’s being said can actually be backed up with action or solid evidence. Be careful about getting roped into pointless arguments, both in person and on social media.

April 9: Sun-Pluto Square Read between the lines. Someone may be saying one thing, but their body language and non-verbal cues are telling a very different story. Not every friendly person is a friend. Some are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Don’t be their sacrificial lamb today—keep your wits about you and be careful what you divulge.

April 11: Libra Full Moon It’s a great day to launch a creative idea or to take a bold risk. Express your “out-there” ideas: You might discover that others are eager to get on-board. Travel, publishing, study and public speaking are all on the agenda at this full moon. Just be careful who you bring into this endeavor, as a square from calculating Pluto indicates that a shady person may be hovering on the periphery.

April 14: Sun-Uranus Meetup No filters? The courageous Sun and radical Uranus make it impossible to bite your tongue. But choose your audience wisely. Not everyone is able to digest it all in one bite. While you shouldn’t sugarcoat the truth, you don’t want to turn people off by coming across as volatile or unhinged.

April 17: Sun-Saturn Trine Choose your words carefully, and you could win the attention and support of some well-connected people. If you’re trying to get an initiative or project approved, band together. There’s power in numbers, so show the decision makers that your ideas have clout. Even better? Don’t wait for them to give you “permission.” Form a coalition and make change together.

Challenge Days

April 9-May 3: Mercury Retrograde Uh-oh! Mercury, the ruler of technology, travel and interpersonal affairs, begins its dicey three-week backspin, which could foil efforts in all of these areas. Back up your data to the cloud, explain yourself clearly, and triple-check all plans and reservations. If you’ve been waiting for a green light, you may have to sit on your hands a little longer, but be patient! This is not a favorable time to seal any deals anyway.

Love Days: 28, 5 Money Days: 12, 22 Luck Days: 11, 19 Off Days: 30, 8, 17

#aquarius #monthly forecast #astrology #horoscope #zodiac #aquarius monthly

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sasquapossum · 4 years ago

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Surviving a Urinary Tract Infection as a Male

Yeah, I know, this subject is going to be either irrelevant or uncomfortable for a lot of people. I also think it's important to get information out there, because there seems to be too little of it. Doctors, manufacturers, and retailers all seem to think UTIs are purely a female problem, even though that has very obviously never been the case. It's an interesting flip on the usual situation where health-care things are too narrowly focused on cis men, with everyone else left out in the cold. I like to think that my own experience has given me an opportunity to reflect on that and maybe gain some empathy, though it's not for me to determine whether I'm successful in that. Anyway, that's enough intro.

Diagnosis

Disclaimer: none of this is medical advice, which I'm not even qualified to give, and should not be construed as such. I'm just trying to share information from a personal layperson's perspective. Caveat emptor.

First, how do you even know you have a UTI? As with so many things medical, pain is going to be your most obvious clue. Does urination hurt? That's not normal. If you think it's normal, you might have some more serious chronic problem and should see an actual doctor. If it's something you're not used to but it's happening now, a UTI is the most likely explanation. Unusual color or odor are also tip-offs, especially if things are cloudy. What, you don't pay attention to these things? Well, start doing so, especially if you're over 40. These observations will tell you a lot about your day-to-day health, not just about UTIs. Producing smaller amounts more frequently, compared to whatever's normal for you, is also a hint. Maybe it's just the result of consuming diuretics like caffeine or alcohol, but if those are things you do they should already be incorporated into your baseline. I'm talking about *unusual* urinary behavior.

As it turns out, I'm more susceptible to UTIs than most cis men. My first encounter happened nearly 25 years ago. I've had a couple more since then, plus some raised eyebrows when doctors looked at whatever they look at to gauge kidney/urinary health. Some investigations ensued, but nobody ever really found anything. I have a couple of theories of my own, but even I have limits on what I'm going to talk about in public. Suffice it to say that I've been around this block a few times, most recently starting a couple of weeks ago. At least this time it didn't start with *blood* in my urine, which only happened that first time. That one will really freak you out. Again, if you see that, go see a doctor ASAP because there's a significant chance that it's something even more serious. And when I say ASAP I mean urgent or emergency care, not just an appointment a week out.

OTC Treatments

I don't happen to have a primary care doctor right now. Yeah, I know. Be that as it may, when I started experiencing symptoms my first impulse was to do the things I could do myself, regardless of whether I also got to a point where I needed/wanted real medical attention. There are quite a few over-the-counter products that are available for this.

The most common treatment is based on the idea of acidifying urine, creating an environment less hospitable to the good old e.coli that is practically always the culprit. Cranberries are the source of choice here, either as plain old juice or as extracts in pill form.

Vitamin C (a.k.a. ascorbic acid) is sometimes recommended for the same reason, but if you're not used to it then large doses of vitamin C can also cause some pretty nasty digestive effects. You have been warned; try at your own risk.

Some cranberry-based pills also contain d-mannose, which is a simple sugar. The idea is the same, to make the bladder a more hostile environment for e.coli.

Another common ingredient is probiotics, supposedly to displace e.coli. I was even able to find some scientific studies supporting this theory for a couple of ingredients - l.rhamnosus and l.reuteri. Unfortunately, even though I love this idea in the abstract, the actual organisms present in most probiotics - even probiotics sold for this speific purpose - are likely to be absolutely useless.

The last treatment-oriented option is methenamine, which is one of the few oral antibiotics (for any condition) that you can buy over the counter. The reason it's an exception is that it's highly specific; AIUI it combines with acidic urine - see above - to produce the actual antibiotic agent which I believe is formaldehyde or some relative. This drug will do absolutely nothing for any other kind of infection, and won't even work for this unless your urine is pretty highly acidic (very high correlation here). The chemistry is kind of cool, actually.

Speaking of interesting chemistry, that brings us to phenazopyridine. This stuff is a pain reducer, not a treatment, and it's funky. For one thing, it will turn urine a very bright yellow or orange, sometimes even bordering on red. I think it's really pretty, but the color has a downside that it could obscure blood in the urine. Also, the packages don't mention this, but it seems to make the urine significantly more viscous. Among other things, this means you have to work a bit harder to fully empty your bladder, unless you like making double trips as the first still leaves you uncomfortable. Practice, practice, practice. Also, I should mention that phenazopyridine has been known to cause neoplasms (benign tumors) in lab animals. Benign is benign, but it's probably still a good reason not to use it long term. Save it for those extra-unpleasant nights, or other times when you really can't afford to be going every 15-20 minutes.

Lastly, there are products that are supposed to help with long-term bladder function. Most of these seem to be based on the same set of pumpkin and/or soybean extracts. I don't know if they work - too soon to tell - but something to consider if you're like me and find yourself in this situation repeatedly.

Miscellaneous Info

This is where we get to the "UTI as a female thing" part. You might go into a drug store and try to find some of these products in logical places. Maybe near "digestive health" since those systems are near each other (and related)? Nope. Maybe in that aisle full of Depends and other old-person products that we all avoid? Nope again. Nine times out of ten, it'll be in the "feminine products" aisle, between pads/tampons and fungicidal creams. I personally have absolutely no problem browsing there, but I guess some other guys find it awkward. If you still don't find it, ask for "azo" products, since that seems to be the big brand. The name's almost certainly from azopyridine but they have multiple products covering most of the other categories as well.

Now, let's talk about leakage. You'll have some. Good fun. If you prefer to go commando ... well, stop. Especially if you're using the orange stuff, because it stains. (BTW it's kind of a dumb idea in general, for reasons ranging from hygiene to sensitivity.) To contain leakage, one option is to buy or borrow some "feminine" pads. Since I have both a wife and a daughter, I had multiple models to choose from. As it turns out, though, a folded-up paper towel works pretty well too. I'm told that this is not a great approach for those with female parts, but it seems like folded-down male parts and briefs keep things pressed in place pretty well. Don't try this with boxers. In fact, for the duration here boxers are kind of as useless as going commando.

You'll want to cut down on both caffeine and alcohol, because they're both diuretics and that's the last thing you want right now. Alcohol also doesn't interact so well with most of the medications you'll be using.

Lastly, you'll want to avoid sex. For one thing, it's likely to be pretty uncomfortable both in the moment and over time. More even than you'd think. For another thing, all these pipes are connected so it's another way for infection to spread or persist. And if those two reasons weren't enough, it's also adding complexity at a time when you might be trying to zero in on what works or doesn't for your own personal physiology. Yes, this includes solo sex, because all of these reasons still apply in that case.

Personal Experience

We're all different. You will probably have a different experience than I did. Nonetheless, I'm including this as one data point that you might consider when you're thinking about which options to try or skip.

Once I realized I was in UTI-land again, my first approach was cranberry juice and vitamin C. This might have worked somewhat, but it also meant being in the bathroom for one reason or another every half hour at most day and night. Unpleasant. So I hit the drug store to pick up some cranberry extract plus d-mannose, and also some azo for the discomfort/frequency. I couldn't find any pills containing probiotics with any science behind them, so I ordered some of those online and switched to those when they arrived.

This seemed to help, so after a couple of days (as long as you're supposed to keep taking azo anyway) I tapered off to see if I was done. Unfortunately nope. These things are all very highly personal and variable, as I said, but for me this approach didn't seem to be working. Time to switch gears. Back to the drug store, to replenish on azo and also get some methenamine this time. I tend toward the acidic side naturally, but I also tried to keep an eye on my diet to keep things that way so the methenamine could work.

Fortunately, third time seemed to be a charm. I was still going more often than usual, with some discomfort, but I chalked that up to the treatments themselves being a bit irritating plus some residual inflammation. The actual infection seemed to have abated, and in particular I hadn't seen any cloudiness for a couple of days, so I tapered off again. This time it seems to have held. The old pipes are still kind of beat up, so I figure it'll be another week before I'm fully back to normal, but it's normal enough that it's no longer interfering with my life. I can drive places further than half an hour away, and back, with confidence. I might even be able to consider flying, not that I have any plans to, but that would have been beyond tolerance before.

Summary

The key is to try something that's generally known to work. Pay attention to whether it's actually working for you. Consider that the treatments themselves are irritating, as you do your evaluation. Don't keep taking anything, especially azo, too long. If what you're trying isn't working, try something else. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, and sex. Expect about two weeks from onset through treatment and full recovery. If your trajectory seems to be taking longer than that, stop reading crap on the internet and get some real medical help.

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