#We could’ve had Hellboy 3

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Looooong post incoming...

THE INCREDIBLES and INCREDIBLES 2 have been on my mind, lately.

Writer-director Brad Bird’s 2004 superhero movie, done up at Pixar in the days they weren’t owned by The Walt Disney Company, was like a formative film for me. Like STAR WARS was for many kids growing up in the ‘70s and ‘80s, THE INCREDIBLES was probably that for 12-year-old me, among a couple other movies. (That same year, I was also blown away by SPIDER-MAN 2 and… Umm… I, ROBOT?)

And I’m one of the few weirdos that really, really dug the contested sequel. Well, contested by people online. It did get good critical reception and got an Oscar nom, made a truck ton at the box office, but it’s one of those weird “big” movies that came out, made tons and tons of money, but I hear few talk about it to this day. I feel some other recent Pixar sequels fit that bill as well, like FINDING DORY and TOY STORY 4. These absolutely massive movies that people raced to see, because they love the originals and the characters in them so much, but then seemingly… Forgot about? I think it has a lot to do with just how much stuff comes out now, that it kinda all gets lost in the shuffle. They don’t stick the way TOY STORY 3 did back in 2010, before we got so inundated with lots and lots of stuff oozing out of every pore: TV, streaming, other movies, podcasts, more streaming, etc. etc. Plus, there's that special sauce with the originals that tends to make them hit different than the sequels, no matter how good the sequels may be...

But no matter, I loved INCREDIBLES 2 and still do, even if I think it falls a little bit short of the original. That was a hard act to follow, after all. I did go over some of the few things about the sequel that I thought could’ve been expanded a bit, a few months back… And I’m thinking about them again.

I think the main point of contention with INCREDIBLES 2 was the Screenslaver, and the whole twist being that he was a fictional character, a face that was created by a disgruntled telecommunications company exec who wanted to keep superheroes illegal.

I get it, in a way. Screenslaver looks cool, and that one action sequence with him in the strobe light cage with Elastigirl? I fuckin’ LOVE it. Such a dynamic, well-done action sequence. I guess it made people wish that both Bob and Helen, and the kids and Frozone and maybe those weirdo superheroes like Screech and Reflux, took this guy on. A slender, creepy mask-wearing mind control villain… It's what you expect in a superhero movie, the heroes fighting a rather weird bad guy!

And yet, in a way, I feel like Screenslaver being a mere face. A distraction. Makes INCREDIBLES 2 every bit as subversive as the original. Especially since INCREDIBLES 2 came out in 2018, which was literally a superhero/comic book movie-heavy year. Maybe the heaviest? You had AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR, DEADPOOL 2, ANT-MAN AND THE WASP, TEEN TITANS GO! TO THE MOVIES, VENOM, SPIDER-MAN: INTO THE SPIDER-VERSE (!), am I missing anything? That year was S-T-A-C-K-E-D.

By contrast, in 2004, THE INCREDIBLES debuted opposite of SPIDER-MAN 2 and HELLBOY… And also BLADE: TRINITY, THE PUNISHER, and CATWOMAN… Much different times. Especially when it was greenlit by Pixar in the year 2000… What was happening in superhero movies that year? X-MEN had come out, and that was after a fairly successful BLADE movie… And years after BATMAN & ROBIN was lambasted and put the Batman movie format to rest for a good while. (Now it’s inescapable. Every few years, a new actor portrays Batman in live-action.)

THE INCREDIBLES stood out in 2004, I feel, not just because of the freedom animation allowed for the superhero concept (which put it above many of the live-action spectacles being made at the time), but also because it rung closer to a ‘60s spy movie than a typical beat-em-up extravaganza. It’s clearly set in a midcentury modern world, a stylized retro futuristic early ‘60s that is informed by the presence of superpowered beings. Or “Supers”, as this franchise has always called them. While there isn’t a wealth of material explaining how world events played out, it’s all implied and hinted at in both films.

By the mid-1960s, American animation had kinda been pigeonholed as an outlet for cheap, reliable kids’ entertainment on Saturday mornings. The closest thing to an American “spy” movie in the animated medium back then was, of all things, a FLINTSTONES movie: 1966’s THE MAN CALLED FLINTSTONE. THE INCREDIBLES almost feels like a lost animated movie made for a slightly older audience circa 1965, but dusted off decades later and done in CGI. That’s a Brad Bird staple. Born in 1957, he loves midcentury modern retrofutures, and just that setting in general. THE IRON GIANT is set in the late 1950s, he had a cancelled take on Will Eisner’s THE SPIRIT that was set around the time it was introduced, his long-gestating RAY GUNN has been described as a 1930s sci-fi noir retrofuture, MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE is of course a ‘60s spy show and a series of feature films (Brad’s feels the most ‘60s out of the movies), TOMORROWLAND… Need I say more? Even RATATOUILLE, which doesn’t involve super heroics or gadgets or futuristic technology… It’s literally a movie about cooking! Even that movie has a retro vibe to it. It’s set in the then-present, but it’s timeless in its look and feel.

Anyways, THE INCREDIBLES plays as much James Bond as it does, say, Batman. You have the whole Nomanisan Island lair, close-quarters fights with armed men, Michael Giacchino’s score, it’s a just-right mix. The first INCREDIBLES has a rather conventional bad guy in Syndrome. An evil guy in an eye-catching suit, with all these various man-made powers, as opposed to other Supers’ natural-born powers. INCREDIBLES 2’s villain is merely an average woman, roughly in her 30s? 40s? She has no powers, she’s just a master manipulator, almost a filmmaker in that regard. I mean she’s an artist and a designer, that’s made perfectly clear the minute you see her, so it makes sense that she could pull off this elaborate show. Mysterio in SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME - which was released a year after INCREDIBLES 2 - needed drones and such to do that. That the Screenslaver is merely a brainwashed pizza delivery guy is part of her brilliance.

So, that’s what makes INCREDIBLES 2 stick out from the other superhero movies circa 2018. A year where the majority of the villains were clear-cut, like a big purple alien guy who wipes out half the universe… and here’s INCREDIBLES 2 with a very crafty woman who essentially puts on a big show. And that in the second half, it’s her and her use of mind control technology that are the big obstacle for the Supers. Not a creature or a conventional superhero bad guy. I think it works, honestly. Like, what’s a different kind of challenge? What if all the good guys got brainwashed, leaving a few… Namely the KIDS, to fend for themselves? That’s a very cool idea, honestly. But again, I get why detractors wanted the shadowy mind control guy instead. Part of me would love to see that version of INCREDIBLES 2, too, if it ever existed. According to interviews w/ the filmmakers, Screenslaver was a late addition to the plot. INCREDIBLES 2 was supposed to come out in summer 2019, but Disney had pushed it up a year, which apparently affected a lot of the decision-making. For some, it shows.

Maybe if INCREDIBLES 2 came out in 2008 instead of 2018, and had the same exact villain twist… In a world where other Disney Animation and Pixar movies with twist villains didn’t yet exist (i.e. Hans, Callaghan, Bellwether, Ernesto), it’d be received differently? I do not know. But that’s why it all works for me. I can tune out the succession of “twist villain” movies, and take INCREDIBLES 2 on its own merits.

In my previous piece on INCREDIBLES 2, I did kind of find fault with its rather rushed third act and how the film doesn’t really bite into the meatier political aspect it kind of teases. The whole idea of a society being dependent on superheroes, rather than getting up and helping pitch in to make the world a better place. (Not dissimilar to TOMORROWLAND’s message.) It’s really all just there to serve Evelyn’s character, which I’m totally fine with… It works in that context. But on the other hand, I feel like this could’ve gone further and explored the whole idea of superheroes being - to quote Jenny Nicholson in her review of JOKER - a “band-aid solution” to crime. And it being a PG-rated mass-market Disney release is no reason to keep me from speculating about this version of INCREDIBLES 2.

I get that Brad Bird probably just wanted to keep it simple and streamlined, and that the “who needs Supers anyways” idea is just a device for Evelyn, not there to make a larger statement. I do believe all art is political, even these movies, but how far the creators want to go with the politics is another story. Ultimately, Evelyn’s methods of getting her way are wrong, but she has points… What if a better society could be created that didn’t depend on superpowered beings having to clobber criminals or threats to save the day?

Clearly the world of THE INCREDIBLES needs superheroes, though, because you have things like mole men with massive drill-mobiles cutting through cities like they’re nothing. But I feel that in a world where we are hyperaware of the system’s flaws and how it’s mostly a failure by design and pretty much creates crime (I’m getting political here, heads up), INCREDIBLES 2 could’ve possibly said something about that. Instead of having superheroes, a stand in for the police when the police themselves or the military can’t handle the threat, what’s causing all the crime in New Urbem and Municiberg in the first place? What systemic inequalities are happening? How progressive is this world because of the presence of superheroes/cool tech? Why are there are robberies? What’s the poverty rate? Etc. etc.

And you may be thinking, this is just an animated family movie, it doesn’t have to be that deep… But I disagree. Plenty of family films, and good stories in general, don’t shy away from this kind of stuff. Art is not made in a vacuum. A lot of actual real-life kids LIVE these sorts of things, too.

But even PG-13 Marvel movies, probably because they’re released by Disney - and Disney tries to play moderate when it comes to political stuff (though they are still too far left for dinguses who yell “WOKE” at everything), don’t really go that far either.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR chips at whether there should be government regulation of superheroes or not, until it settles for being a story about two friends turning against each other over a family death… and then a few MCU movies later, none of that matters - the superheroes are ultimately needed to stop the big purple guy in space… THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER asks why, in a post-Blip world, a universe where half of all the living beings just ceased to be… Why are there still such inequalities on Earth, after Thanos’ snap and subsequent revival of everyone who was unalived? It’s all the catalyst for the Flagsmashers, and leader Karli herself. She was so nuanced as an antagonist, and you also had this ersatz Captain America guy who straight up murdered a person in cold blood. I was loving where it was all going, until a few episodes in, they just made Karli a straight-up murderer. All that nuance is flattened, and the final episode is just another big fight scene. Outside of Sam Wilson’s speech at the end, what really changed on MCU’s Earth? What did this Disney+ series have to say, really? Other than bringing up those very real problems we face in the U.S. and around the world?

I think INCREDIBLES 2 is just more interested in being about its characters first, which, again. Is fine. I don’t think less of the movie because of that. The first INCREDIBLES was about the family dynamic first and foremost, too, and not the spectacle. I don’t require Brad Bird to share all of his political views with me. I appreciate that the movie even posits the question to begin with, it’s ultimately why I’ve been thinking about it! Maybe Bird sees that world as simpler because it’s one where superheroes have been around since at least the turn of the 20th century, and things are different because of that.

This is probably why some people get a very Ayn Randian reading out of THE INCREDIBLES, when I think Bird’s conceit was merely “the villain is someone who uses technology to be a pretend-superhero”. It’s all there to inform Syndrome’s character, not necessarily to declare to the audience that people without powers CAN’T be superheroes. Syndrome kills several Supers so he can enact his plan and make everyone into Supers, because he’s big mad at Mr. Incredible, and that’s why he fails. He could’ve just grown up to make super technology to make other people super, not kill a bunch of them. Heck, if he had turned out better, he could’ve singlehandedly ended the outlawing of Supers… And not natural-born Supers… Imagine THAT movie…

The original movie, I feel, just doesn’t necessarily make a case for whether people born without superpowers can be Super. This dichotomy is just there to make the villain what he is, and hint at what he could’ve been instead of a villain. Sure, the Parr family and Frozone saving the day at the end upholds this apparent status quo, but I don’t think Bird was thinking about it like that. He had denied the Ayn Rand comparisons as far back as the release of the first movie.

The likelier reading of this film, and some of Bird’s other films such as RATATOUILLE and TOMORROWLAND, is informed by Bird’s career trajectory. He was mentored by Milt Kahl, of all people! One of the greatest animators, one of Walt’s Nine Old Men… He was mentored by him as a teenager! But most of Bird’s career, as noted by Mark Mayerson, was a long series of denied opportunities. His aforementioned SPIRIT movie didn’t take off in the ‘80s because who during that period - a time when SECRET OF NIMH came and went, and when features like TWICE UPON A TIME couldn’t get an audience - wanted to sink money into an animated action movie of that caliber? RAY GUNN didn’t go through in the 1990s at Turner Animation, and Warner Bros. dumped THE IRON GIANT in the late summer of 1999 with an ineffective marketing campaign that caused it to flop at the box office.

Because IRON GIANT did so badly, Bird took his toys and left Warner Bros. He headed to Pixar with his superhero movie concept, and he got in despite those who didn’t quite want him around. John Lasseter was not fond of an outsider coming in with this very different pitch for a movie. Up until that point, Pixar was literally what I like to call “Team TOY STORY”. John Lasseter, TOY STORY’s director, also directed A BUG’S LIFE and TOY STORY 2. Pete Docter and Andrew Stanton, where instrumental in TOY STORY 1 & 2, directed MONSTERS, INC. and FINDING NEMO respectively. Lee Unkrich, an editor on TOY STORY, co-directed on TOY STORY 2, MONSTERS, INC. and FINDING NEMO. Lasseter fired Jorgen Klubien off of his CARS, which was in the works at the time, and took it over. Tight-knit building. Bird was an outsider, and Lasseter wasn’t thrilled about that. But luckily, Steve Jobs staved him off and also kept Michael Eisner’s doubts about THE INCREDIBLES at bay. Bird got to make his rather outre superhero movie at Pixar in spite of Lasseter, Eisner, etc…. And it was a big hit and an Oscar winner. Lasseter was singing a different tune after that.

Future directors didn’t have Jobs’ protection, though, which meant that Lasseter could fire them more easily… And he did… Brenda Chapman, Bob Peterson, etc.

So then after THE INCREDIBLES, Brad Bird really wanted to get a live-action adaptation of the novel 1906 off the ground, but that didn’t go anywhere. He took over RATATOUILLE at Pixar, made a big hit out of that, and then tried to pursue other endeavors. His MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE movie (GHOST PROTOCOL in 2011) did very well, but then after that, he made TOMORROWLAND and it bombed… And then took on an INCREDIBLES sequel. He is just now starting to get his cooler ideas off the ground, as his RAY GUNN is finally in production at Lasseter’s Skydance Animation. Funny how that works, right? The guy is over 60 years old and is just getting started.

If anything, his movies are more about that. He’s a guy with really cool, game-changing ideas for animated movies in an industry that isn’t interested in that… So… The INCREDIBLES movies being about superheroes who want to help people but not being allowed to by the system, RATATOUILLE being about an animal that doesn’t belong in a kitchen wanting to cook for people, GHOST PROTOCOL being about spies still trying to do the right thing and save the world after their unit has been shut down by the system, TOMORROWLAND being about people not subverting the system by pitching in to make the world a better place and also being barred from the utopia - by, again, the system - where they can make that happen… Yeah, it’s very clear that Bird’s movies are just him venting about his own hangups via fantastical concepts, not trying to espouse some sort of Ayn Randian ideology. How the hell do you get “if you’re naturally talented, you should hoard those gifts from the rest of society” out of THAT?

I think that’s what it is, and that’s what informs the world of THE INCREDIBLES. It’s simply an Earth where superheroes exist, and the system makes them illegal instead of finding other ways to correct accidents that have happened whenever they are around. Just outright ban them from doing what they do, instead. I mean, governments in real life ban all kinds of people for various reasons, strip away their rights, dehumanize them, criminalize them, etc… Sometimes mere circumstances, such as poverty, are viewed as personal failure and inherently criminal. There’s a level of relatability with superheroes for some people because of that. The late Kevin Conroy, for example, used his role as Batman in the 1992 animated series an outlet for his struggles as a gay man. X-Men stories, and the early 2000s X-MEN movies, are either interpreted as that or ARE largely about that.

But even then, Bird’s world still posits some interesting questions that it doesn’t fully answer. It’s busier focusing on the characters. This is more an observation, as I’m not trying to dock the original or the second movie any points… I just wonder why, in the sequel, the world the movies are set in was so quick to legalize Supers after everything that has happened. All it took was saving a boat and that was it? Not the defeat of Syndrome’s final Omnidroid? Not the other good deeds before that? I feel like that portion in the final third of the movie was strangely very rushed.

The thing is, before I wrap this up (phew), we only have two canonical movies in this series, and a handful of comedic/gag-based shorts. The world of the INCREDIBLES is wide and ripe for exploring, I’d argue, but Brad Bird’s not getting any younger and he should pursue the projects he really wants to make. Again, RAY GUNN, his Western, his horror movie, his musical, etc. Pixar honored him by not having someone else throw together a second INCREDIBLES sometime in the late 2000s/early 2010s. Like, Disney could’ve forced Pixar to make one without him anyways, but no. They waited. And if there’s a third one to be made, or a prequel set during the “Golden Age”, they’ll likely wait for him to be available and willing to do it. Or if he gives it his blessing and leaves it to another director… Like Pixar did with TOY STORY 4 and INSIDE OUT 2, and almost did with FINDING DORY. I wonder if he was gonna do the same with INCREDIBLES 2, had TOMORROWLAND done great and he went straight for a sequel to that.

I’d like to see more of that universe, but it needn’t be forced out of the filmmakers at Pixar. Maybe the little we know of it is what kind of stokes our imaginations when it comes to this series? Look at something like STAR WARS now… There’s a ton of movies and shows and expanded universe stuff, which arguably dilutes the magic of its universe... THE INCREDIBLES isn’t that big wide despite the original movie almost being 20 years old. THE INCREDIBLES doesn’t need to be that huge, but I would like to see a little bit more of that world. Maybe another movie - be it INCREDIBLES 3 or a prequel called SUPERS or something - or a Disney+ series, but not the behemoth something like STAR WARS or the MCU have become.

I feel it’s worth playing around in a little bit more. I’m also biased, because I love the movies, particularly the first one.

[sinclair-enterprises]

When you find out about the cancelled Hellboy: Silverlance Project…

[moxfirefly]

Video calls and confessions

Part 2

Rated Explicit (18+)

Got around to that part teo for this one shot.

Hellboy/Cam!Girl

____________________

The world going to shit wasn’t exactly how’d you planned out your Friday afternoon. This morning you had woken up with enthusiasm and a desire to treat yourself.

You’d gone out to the city, had your nails done, grabbed an obscenely priced coffee and on your way had stumbled on a museum.

A little culture never hurt nobody.

For Christ sake it was a free entry day too.

So why then, as you admired priceless art and sculptures had literal hell descended upon the evening?

Creatures. Actual monsters. The screams of the public deafening.

That had happened about half an hour ago. In your haste you had thanked you fight or flight mode to quick into flight. The shaking in your body had cause you to run into one of the exhibit rooms most cluttered with random ‘junk’ whatever this art installation had gone for it was surely not for somebody to duck behind for safety.

You checked your phone. The news was reporting the attack of the art museum. Authorities had been sent as well as the B.P.R.D...

That made you pause and clutch your phone.

If the bureau was on its way then that meant Hellboy was too.

The very notion of possibly seeing him in the flesh made your heart skip a few beats. The two of you had been communicating on and off for a while now since the private shows had started. You knew mixing work and pleasure wasn’t smart but fuck, you had it bad for this guy.

There was a sense of relief washing over you. He’d be here, he’d take care of this mess. Maybe you’d finally see him and not through a computer screen. You knew things had escalated with him although neither of you had really properly addressed it.

“Please whatever is up there, if I survive this I’m fucking telling him I’m in love with him” You whispered to yourself. This possibly couldn’t be your last day on earth.

Something screeching and something akin to a human scream startled you. You hugged your knees closer and tried not to breath loudly. Gunshots and more screams could be heard.

Then something came crashing into the installation where you were hiding. Your scream was imposible to hold in. The creature was screeching so loudly, a sound that left your ears ringing.

Adrenaline made you run out as fast as you humanly could. You heard the great strides it took to catch up to you. This was it wasn’t it? You were gonna die?

Your legs kept pushing you forward even as your muscles burned with pain. Your eyes hurt from crying and your throat felt like it was sandpaper. Something like a claw reaching for your hair made you close your eyes. There was no way you wanted to see how this ended for you.

Two shots.

Loud and so very clear, the sound coming out of left field made you trip and fall. The screening fortunately had stopped.

“Miss?! You’re safe! Hey! You gotta get out of here now!” That voice you knew all to well. You looked up and saw red and a stone hand.

“R-red...” Your voice was small, a sob catching in your throat.

“Y/N!?” He was shocked, eyes wide as he knelt in front of you.

You weren’t sure how your body moved or if he moved you but somehow you’d ended up with your arms around him sobbing into his neck. Hellboy held you tightly, whispering that you were safe, an array of cusses slipped out as he breathed heavily.

The knowledge that you were here, if he’d been a millisecond too late, all crashed down on him as he picked you up and carried you to safety.

You could’ve died, was all that ran through his head.

You’re alive, was all that ran through yours.

_______________

One helicopter ride, a medical exam and a shower later you found yourself at the home base of the B.P.R.D. A nice young woman by the name of Alice had loaned you some clothes and had taken you to Hellboy’s room to wait. A debriefing was happening and all you could do was sit tight.

You resolved to canceling all your cam shows for the week stating you had fallen terribly ill. There was no way you could work, your hands were still shaking as you typed out the post and notified your one on one shows. It felt like hours as you sat on the couch, you had looked around at his room, seeing and array of personal items that made up his personality.

Such a big part of you often dreamt about this but your nerves had you glued to your spot.

The door opened and Hellboy came barreling in like a tornado. You flinched and bit too hard on your already chewed off nail, so much for that manicure.

“I’m so sorry, I wanted to leave that stupid meeting but it’s fucking mandatory because Daimio thinks it’s necessary, asshole that guy I tell ya-“ He took in your state, the still slight tremble in your hands, the few scrapes here and there. You looked small and scared and it absolutely destroyed him.

In his silence he made his way towards the coffee table and sat in front of you. “You know I often fantasized what it be like to see you in the flesh, this wasn’t how it usually went I promise” He smiled and for the first time in this piss filled day, so did you.

“How would it go?” You asked softly.

“Some mood light, a little wine maybe some music” The two of you chuckled. Your chuckles quickly dissolved in you trying to hold back your tears.

You were almost killed tonight, the shock would take some time to subside. “Hey hey kid, it’s ok, I’ve got you. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to you on my watch” Hellboy’s flesh hand rested on your knees.

You leaned forward and rested your forehead on his shoulder. “...When I read you guys were sent out, I really got excited that I’d finally see you” You felt his flesh hand stroke your hair.

“I’m in love with you” You blurted out, his hand going to still. “I said, if I’m making it out of this alive I’m telling him, so I’m telling you...” You looked up at him, e/c meeting his golden ones.

“I-Im not dancing around this no more, I’m tired of pretending that what’s been going on isn’t just some work thing that I do, fuck, I love you I really do and I think you do too” Your mouth want dry again, the scratchy sensation making you swallow.

Hellboy searched out your eyes, something in his head was going a mile a minute. Was he searching for a lie? Something disingenuous?

That all died when he lunged forward and kissed you.

A kiss that truly and utterly left no worry.

You were kissing Hellboy. You were gripping Hellboy by the scruff of his shirt. The way his lips molded against yours, the abnormal warmth to them, the softness to them, the roughness of his scruff.

Pulling back for air felt obligated but he’d insisted by pressing the stumps of his horns against your forehead. “Wow...that’s...so much better than I could’ve imagined” He was star struck in a way and it honest to god made you laugh.

The days events took a back seat for now you wanted to take in the being before you. You scanned everything you normally did while on cam with him. Your hands explored his face, running across scars and hair.

Then you remembered what lay to his right and your heart raced.

You gripped his stone hand, fascinated by the texture of stone, how he held your hand with so much regard to his strength. The patterns, the markings everything has you entranced.

“Extraordinary” Was all you could muster as you rubbed on what would be the inside f his wrist. “I’m sorry, is this weirding you out?” You looked at Hellboy only to find him grinning. “Having a beautiful girl touch me? Yes it’s completely weirding me out” He mocked and you couldn’t help but playfully shove him.

“God I need a beer, can we...?” He was leaning over toward the mini fridge next to the couch and pulling said drinks out. “Read my mind, beautiful” He offered one towards you.

This morning you were going about a normal routine, and now after a near death experience you were in the room of a man you had been falling in love with for months. The twist and turns of life.

Around round 3 you’d excused yourself to use the bathroom. As you washed your hands and saw your normal pristine face a little worn down from the stressful events you frowned.

But there you stood in Hellboy’s bathroom. Surrounded by things all him. The tips of your fingers ran through a brush of his. This was a reality right now.

You stepped out and caught him shrugging off his coat. Busying your thumbnail again at your teeth you watched his now visible arms flex with the movements.

“All good?” He smiled leaning against the dresser.

There was a pregnant pause in which the two of you merely just ogled one another from across the bed.

You moved first.

You walked over the bed and stood on it, you reached out a hand that he took without hesitation and with the extra height from the bed you met in a heated kiss face to face. You wrapped your arms around his neck, you felt his around your hips.

In a wordless haste you yanked at his black T-shirt and busied yourself with taking off yours. He watched mesmerized, as always, the revealing of your skin.

The image before you though, god you wanted to scream.

Hellboy undoing his belt and swiftly yanking the whole thing out of the belt loops without breaking eye contact. Off were your pants, and on was him as he took you down on the bed.

It was a haze, breathless kisses and chants of desire. He one handed the button of your jeans and his own. The brief separation to take the offending items off had the two of you giggling almost. In record time he was back on you and you welcomed it with a ferocity to your kisses. Tongue slipping into his mouth, you swallowed a groan of his that vibrated all the way to your cunt.

He was here, you were here. Physically.

You grinned as he trailed kisses over both your covered breast. “Take-fuck-take it off please, now right now” You felt the air leave your lungs when he simply broke the bra in half and met his reward, two beautifully round breasts he had craved more than any meal. Hellboy pressed his face between them and inhaled before leaving a series of bites and marks. Each time he bit down your raised your hips in search of friction.

The heaviness in the air, the warmth of him lapping and sucking at your breast. The heated tongue wrapping around a nipple. Hellboy devoured you, and if your breast had him like this...

“Baby please, wanna touch you too” Your hands ran down his back, sharp nails leaving a path. Hellboy shuddered as he left a nipple with a loud pop. “Go on, I’m all yours” That very comment sent a gush of heat and you bit your lip to hold a moan in.

You nudged him to lay on his back and you climbed on top of him. Hands running over your body, the feeling of that stone hand gently cupping your rear was enough to make you grind down on him with purpose.

“I promised you something every time we spoke, you remember what that was?” You rubbed yourself on him as you began to trail down his body. Hellboy’s eyes were fogged with lust. “Oh, you remember” You kissed his stomach, nails scratching his sides before hooking into the waistband of his underwear.

He was going to have a stroke.

Hellboy watched you slide his underwear down. Eyes hungry and mouth engulfing his cock. He bucked up without meaning to but you caught most of the onslaught by closing up your throat. A minor choke and you were back on track.

Fuck he was big and thick, you did your best swallowing as much as possible before settling the rest with your hand to jerk. The gut punched groan that left him egging you on. He saw your head bob, the way your lips stretched around his length, the blissed out look as you sucked earnestly. “Shit shit, you look beautiful” Hellboy reached a left hand across your cheek.

Letting him go with a breathy inhale, spit on your chin you jerked him lazily.

He was putting this look away for a rainy day. You had no right looking so utterly debauched and perfect.

“C’mere and kiss me, beautiful” Hellboy whispered softly and you obeyed crawling on him to meet him in a sensual slow lip lock.

Underwear gone, or more so also ripped apart. You were now on top of him about to guide his cock into your drenched hole. The initial burn was actually delicious, that breach between pain and pleasure sending a delightful shock through your body. Once fully seated on him you reveled in stretch and burn. “God this is, fuck I-“ You moaned as you tested with a sway of your hips, he was hitting your spot perfectly. You rested your hands on his chest and he gripped your waist.

Hellboy was gone, the sight of you riding him, lost in your pleasure caused by him nevertheless. It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever see. Lost to it all you fell forwards, burying your face in his neck. Your impending release had you stuttering your hips. “I got you baby, I got you” He muttered against your ear. You moaned as he held you, hips pistoning upwards to drive that orgasm out of you.

It crashed something fierce, running all over your body and coming out as a scream against his neck. You felt limp as a noodle but held onto him as he fucked his way through yours. When he came he yanked another orgasm out of you along with his.

The two of you laid there, a mess of limbs clutching at each other. Hearts racing, lungs trying to catch up.

Exhaustion won. You fell a sleep on Hellboy, still inside of you, his mouth against your temple.

There was no turning back now.

[s0fter-sin]

@meddalarksen tagged me to do seven comfort movies, thank you!!

1. LotR/The Hobbit those movies shaped my childhood and i would be lost without them

2. Treasure Planet cemented my love and fear of space. silver’s speech to jim makes me weep every single time

3. Hellboy 1 & 2 made me fall in love with monsters and practical effects. that animated sequence in the golden army made me start thinking of stylisation and art in movies. nuada was one of my first fictional crushes, that training scene is just *mwah* immaculate

4. Blade 2 bc guillermo del toro is a god and jared nomak is one of my favourite villains ever, he made me think of villains as more than just generic bad dudes, that they could be sympathetic and have depth. also norman reedus

5. Anastasia is in my top 3 favourite animated movies and kicked off my fascination with russia. once upon a december is beautiful and haunting and that whole scene is just Beautiful

6. Boondock Saints 1 & 2 i love these movies so much. i know they’re not great™️ but they’re just hilarious, the first time i saw the cat scene i almost choked to death laughing. they also remind me of one of my hospital visits when me and dad watched them on the laptop we brought in

7. X-Men Origins Wolverine I KNOW I KNOW trust me. it was the first x-men anything i ever watched and i had it on repeat when i was a kid. it made me fall in love with wolverine and gambit and the whole universe. i now its a Mess and it frustrates me to no end when i think of what it could’ve been but look me in the eye and tell me liev schreiber isn’t the perfect sabretooth

i’ll tag @ifyougoillfollow @purekesseltrash @kworking and anyone else that wants to do it!

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Worst of 2019

I had to follow-up my “Best of 2019″ list with its opposite universe counterpart but before I give the movies that made me suffer another lashing, let’s make a couple of things clear. I’m not a paid professional and even if I was, all I would be is a film critic. Making movies is hard. Nobody in the industry aims to do a bad job - there are much easier ways to make a living. Even though I might’ve hated these films with a passion that still smolders now, I’ve got mad respect for anyone who decides to put themselves out there and put together a movie. At the end of the day, your work is going to live on. You made something millions will see. Me? I’ll ultimately fade away. Take this into consideration as we single out the movies that tried and failed, sometimes spectacularly.

10. Cats

Cats is the kind of movie that doesn’t come around often. It’s actually kind of fascinating to watch, or it would be if it weren’t so boring. Rebel Wilson (who was destined to have a movie on this list when she starred in The Hustle) plays a cat who unzips her skin to reveal an outfit… above her skin again? She leads a choreographed troupe of singing mice and cockroaches that fill you with terror and confusion. It’s as if they’ve been scaled so the actors could scoop them up and swallow them whole - as cats would do - but because human proportions are so different from cat’s the objects and other animals they interact with change size from scene to scene. Meanwhile, Idris Elba is prowling around with his coat all open, his non-existent junk exposed to all who want to see. Our main character is so bland and unmemorable she makes no impact on you whatsoever. There’s magic in a plot that’s composed almost entirely of introductions - which might make it accurate to the broadway show but not entertaining as a movie -, dodgy special effects in every frame, lame jokes coming from the left and the right… and yet, I don’t hate this film like I do the others on this list. In fact, a part of me even admires Cats.

The thing is, had this movie worked, it would’ve been hailed as genius. It didn’t so it’s being ridiculed but I have to give it points for its ambition and willingness to take chances. That means a lot in a year in which every single one of the top ten grossing films were sequels, remakes or expansions of already-existing properties.The gamble didn’t pay off, but Cats had the guts to walk up to the plate.

9. Dumbo

I was tempted to lump The Lion King and Aladdin along with this tale of a baby elephant that learns to fly while a family of circus performers learn that the big circus tycoon played by Michael Keaton is a meanie. Few of the Disney “live-action” remakes do anything to validate their existence. They’re just feeding you what you can already watch at home for free because you probably already own the originals on home video or you have Disney+. I’m going to single out Dumbo as the worst because it actually tried something different and failed spectacularly. This means we can expect all future Disney remakes to take as few chances as possible.

8. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

There are other movies I could’ve put in this spot (see the Runner-Ups section below for examples) but I had to consider the experience as well as the movie itself. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is an unfunny comedy that walks into the room as if it’s going to marry your mother and be your new father. It makes fun of the very thing it’s doing. This might make it appealing to members of the “View Askewniverse” cult but not to me. Whether you’ve been brainwashed by Kevin Smith or not, it’s impossible to sit through the painful bonus material which follows the film, particularly the interviews conducted by Jason Mewes. The actor displays no charisma whatsoever while asking questions you don’t care about to people who obviously don’t want to be on camera. I get what Smith was doing; he was trying to give his fans more than just the movie but anyone in their right mind should’ve seen the bonus footage and burned it.

4. Dark Phoenix

What a disappointing way to end the X-Men franchise. Dull until the very end and then interesting for just enough time to make you realize you didn’t just dream it all, the movie was a bad idea from the start. We haven’t known the young version of the X-Men long enough for this story to mean anything and the choices made to make this story more faithful to the comics makes you wonder if you stepped into the wrong movie. Even before seeing Dark Phoenix, I thought people were being too harsh on The Last Stand. They did a lot of things wrong in 2006 but they had the good sense to leave out the aliens. It’s not great but it’s been somewhat redeemed since because its plot advanced the series and meant something in the end. Even if Disney had considered keeping this franchise alive while it was acquiring Fox, this is such a mess they now have no choice but to reboot the whole thing.

4. Jexi

Jexi feels like it just escaped from a time capsule. Even when it would’ve been new, it wouldn’t have been funny. This had no business appearing in theatres and watching the trailer again reminded me of why I hated it as much as I did. If you suspect you have mutant powers that just need to be unlocked by a traumatic or life-altering event, barricade your doors and start playing this movie. You’ll want to escape so desperately, you might suddenly develop the ability to bend space and time.

6. Rambo: Last Blood

This 5th entry in the Rambo series didn’t even have the guts to commit to being a proper conclusion. The titular character appears to succumb to his wounds as the picture closes… only to get up and go find medical attention during the end credits. Senselessly gory and violent, its depiction of Mexico leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

5. Shaft

No one was asking for this movie, not even fans of the original Richard Roundtree films or the 2000 Sam Jackson reboot. It tired story attempts to introduce a new version of the classic blaxploitation character to a new audience. In the process, it makes you hate the two “heroes” we follow through a generic plot filled with offensive humor. The only good thing about Shaft is that it prompted me to check out the originals.

3. My People, My Country

The Farewell made me think a lot about how we should view other cultures, particularly China. In it, Awkwafina’s Billi is caught in a moral dilemma when she learns her beloved grandmother is dying and that her family is keeping the secret from sweet Nai Nai. You go in thinking the American-raised woman is going to do the right thing by tearing the charade apart but it’s not long before you realize this scenario isn't that simple. When it comes to My People, My Country, I am going to judge. What’s the moral of this movie again? Give up your life, your dreams, your family for the sake of a country that sees you as nothing more than an expandable pion? If that weren’t bad enough, the movie’s so dull it’ll be an epic struggle to stay awake. Whose idea was it to have an entire segment of this anthology dedicated to the engineers who ensured the mechanism that would raise China’s flag in 1949? It’s as exciting as it sounds.

2. ¡Ay, mi madre!

The worst part of this list is that I know how few people reading will be able to relate. ¡Ay, mi madre! wasn't released theatrically in North America, but movies release “Straight to Netflix” have become such a big deal I’ll make an exception to my usual rule of disqualifying direct-to movies from this list. In terms of filmmaking, this is the worst movie I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s more technically inept than anything else on this list by far. The comedy is so unfunny it’ll make you question your life, the actors are not convincing even before they open their mouths to speak and the ending might as well be a big middle finger towards the people watching. It ha no ending, almost as if they cobbled together the few salvageable strands of footage someone scooped out of the trash into something vaguely related to “coherent”. Remember the name so you know never to click “play” if you happen upon it like I did.

The Runner-Ups

Simmba

I was deeply offended by this Bollywood film but technically, it’s a 2018 movie so I decided to only include it here. It’s loathsome but admittedly, my hatred for it has somewhat subsided since I saw it. Don’t ask me why. This movie sucks.

Playmobil The Movie

This is what we thought we were going to get when they announced “The Lego Movie”. Terrible songs, a lazy plot that makes terrible use of the property it’s advertising, unfunny jokes, and a lack of imagination guarantee this film is destined to make everyone involved regret the day it was released.

Hellboy

Yet another failed superhero movie that enthusiastically sets itself up for a sequel when it’s so obvious to everyone watching that there isn’t going to be one. The one thing it’s got going for it is a pretty cool scene towards the end where demons escape into our world and begin tearing civilians to pieces. To get to that, you must sit through endless scenes that bash you over the head with a mallet marked “Rated R”. Gallons of blood and intestines spilling onto the floor, doesn’t mean the movie is meant for adults. This was written by a teenager disguised as a grown-up.

Gemini man

They waited all these years for the de-aging technology to get where it is now… for this story? Someone should’ve pointed out to director Ang Lee when he was getting ready to film that training doesn’t alter your DNA. Why waste millions cloning Will Smith when you could just raise a normal kid and train them to be an assassin? Ultimately, the movie isn’t really all that bad. It’s watchable but it’s such a big disappointment it needs to be taught a lesson.

Replicas

I’m giving this one a break because no one saw it. I also think it’ll play better at home, where you’ll be free to make fun of it or verbally abuse the loopy plot aloud while your friends listen. If there’s a movie this year that was “So bad it’s good”, it’s this one.

After

At least “Twilight” had its original take on vampires and some danger mixed into its romantic triangle to keep things theoretically interesting. This film started off as - I kid you not - a “One Direction” fan-fic. The drama it serves up will have you howling like a werewolf flying through laughing gas. On the upside, a sequel is coming. In fact, the teaser is scheduled for today!

1. Unplanned

This was the most uncomfortable movie experience of 2019. Most of the Christian propaganda films don’t seem to put much effort into their production - they’re preaching to the choir so why should they? - but 2019 had Breakthrough, which was quite good. It showed these movies don’t have to appeal solely to the churches who will buy tickets en-masse. This movie is ridiculous, gory like a horror film, misleading, and phony. It did have what is undoubtedly the most outrageous and unintentionally funny dialogue of the year, however. “Fast food outlets look to break even on the hamburgers they sell. That’s all they do is break even ... Do you know where they make all their money? The french fries and soda. Low cost, high margin items. Abortion is our fries-and-soda.” Are we sure this was based on a true story? If so, I don’t know why the director decided to edit out the scenes in which Cheryl (Robia Scott) takes the buckets of aborted fetuses home to cook them. I think it would’ve really driven home how evil her character is. I felt dirty sitting in the theater next to people who ate this up.

[justanothercinemaniac]

Epic Movie (Re)Watch #205 - Hocus Pocus

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

Spoilers Below

Have I seen it before: Yes

Did I like it then: More or less.

Do I remember it: Yes.

Did I see it in theaters: No.

Format: DVD

1) Let’s start off this post with a little blasphemy: I actually don’t have a ton of nostalgia for this movie. I watched it like maybe three times growing up. I’d always catch bits and pieces on Disney Channel or ABC Family Freeform, but I just never got into it like so many other people did. And (prepare to be outright offended now) the last time I watched it all the way through (I couldn’t have been older than 13) I thought it was kinda boring. BUT I was going through a bit of a “too cool for this shit” phase then. Spoiler alert: I enjoyed it A LOT more this time around and do understand the hype now.

2) Fun fact: Human Thackery Binx is played by Sean Murray but is dubbed over by the actor who performs him (Jason Marsden) for consistency.

3) Despite being largely a comedy, there is a wonderful sense of creepiness to this film which I think helps to give it its unique flavor. I mean, this is a Disney movie which starts with a child being killed so witches can drain off its life force. Then these same witches - who explicitly say they’re loyal to satan and have been to hell - get hanged. There’s this sense of edge (or the Disney version of edge) which helps elevate it above a lot of Halloween family fare. I think it’s what makes the film so endearing.

4) Ah, our first encounter with Winifred Sanderson.

5) The Sanderson Sisters

So the way I’m going to structure this note is each sister will be like 5.1, 5.2, and 5.3. That’s how long the note is. The Sanderson Sisters ARE the movie. They’re the reason it holds up so well, they’re the reason people keep coming back to it, is because this trio is so absolutely wonderful. Each sister is written and performed in a way where you get a clear sense of who they are as individuals (instead of just being clones of each other), yet they chemistry between the actresses works so wonderfully that the trio is strong as well. They are the heart and fun of the film, with each actress being brilliantly comedic but also able to turn on a villainous dime when necessary. They’re just incredible.

5.1) Bette Midler as Winifred Sanderson.

The leader of the group in both writing and performance, Midler commands the sisters in a natural way. The actress is the most unrecognizable in the part, so much so it took me YEARS to even realize this was Bette Midler. By putting aside any and all ego, Midler gives a performance which embraces its cartoonish fun to totally wrap you in. She pulls focus, commanding every scene she’s in to the point where you can’t/don’t want to take her eyes off of her. She’s just incredible. According to IMDb, this is Midler’s favorite performance of her own. That fun just shows through.

5.2) Kathy Najimy as Mary Sanderson.

Najimy is an absolutely amazing character actress who totally blends into every role she’s given. Mary is no different. Much like Midler, she is able to work with the cartoonish silliness of the part (with a character who is maybe more so that than her sisters) to just make you laugh. There are so many great moments Najimy has, often times while other things are going on, that you have to watch multiple times if you even hope to catch them all. She’s just really great.

5.3) Sarah Jessica Parker as Sarah Sanderson.

The youngest (I believe youngest) Sanderson sister proves that there is no weak link in this chain. Much like Middler, this role is so different from anything else Parker is known for doing (“Sexy in the City”) that I have to remind myself it’s here. She is able to be charmingly dimwitted and absent minded in a way which is absolutely gut busting. There is this wonderful physical and almost airy quality she brings to the part which pulls you in, the way she moves and plays with her beloved boys. But Parker - like the other Sandersons - can turn on a dime to an intimidating baddie. She’s - like the others - is incredible.

6) Max Dennison.

This may be blasphemous (I don’t know all the things people love about Hocus Pocus), but does anyone REALLY watch this movie for Max Dennison as a protagonist? I will admit the place where the character ends is something I appreciate a lot (more on that later), but for most of the film? He starts off as kind of a douche bag who acts all macho, thinks he’s too cool for his new town, and is mean to his sister. Almost every other character in the movie is a more interesting potential protagonist than Max to me, which I will say is not the fault of Omri Katz. He actually does the best he can to make Max seem interesting, because I’m aware that he could’ve been a much bigger pain the butt during the movie. But the writing is just not there as we get to know him, even if he does develop nicely by the film’s end.

7) It was at this moment I realized Alison was a much more interesting protagonist than Max.

Max: “But everyone here knows that Halloween was invented by the candy companies it's a conspiracy!”

Allison: It just so happens that Halloween is based on the ancient feast called All Hallows Eve.”

Allison is actually a bit of a missed opportunity, development wise. She has a good understanding of not only the tradition of Halloween but also the Sanderson Sisters, showing a creepy side to a character who does not appear as a stereotypical goth. She’s rich, doesn’t seem to really care for her parent’s fancy Halloween ball, is kind, brave, but we never really explore her that much. I’d love to get to know a bit more about Allison.

8) The inclusion of buttheads Jay and Ice add a nice bit of humor to the film. Yeah they’re jerks, but their idiocy is definitely funny to watch. Don’t take them seriously as bullies or threats and you’ll enjoy their presence.

8.1) So I was looking up the actors who played Jay and Ice and…AH! ICE IS THE SAME ACTOR AS LARRY FROM “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”!

9) According to IMDb:

Charles Rocket [Max and Dani’s dad] acquired a certain notoriety for swearing on live television during the final moments of the 21 February 1981 episode of Saturday Night Live (1975). There's an in-joke in connection to this, where he says to Max, "Watch your language!".

10) Thora Birch as Dani.

Can I just say, Dani is so much more interesting to me than Max. I kinda wish we saw this movie through her eyes. She just brings a smile to my face whenever she’s on screen. Birch plays Dani with such honest enthusiasm and intelligence (not every kid in movies is played as smart, sadly) that it’s intoxicating. She stands up to the bullies and later her first instinct upon the Sanderson Sister’s resurrection is to LIE HER BUTT OFF in an attempt to make them think she’s a witch! HER FIRST INSTINCT! And then later when she finds out this freaky zombie is nice she’s immediately like, “Hi Billy!” so sweetly. I dig that.

11) Ah great, toxic masculinity infecting an eight year old girl.

Dani [after Max says fighting the bullies would’ve gotten him killed]: “At least you would’ve died like a man.”

Sorry, that’s just a personal thing.

12) Um, maybe some fans of the movie know this, but why exactly the Dennison family move to Salem? I don’t remember it ever being mentioned. I’m assuming job opportunity but what job takes you from LA to Salem?

13) Um Max, you’ve know Allison for like a week (maybe a week and a half). Isn’t this a little much?

Max [about Allison]: “Dani, this is the girl of my dreams.”

14) The Sanderson house has this wickedly creepy sense of place to it. You know these guys aren’t supposed to be there, you know that this is a place of evil, so when things start getting weird it’s not much of a stretch to see it happening.

15)

16) So at one point in the movie Allison hits Mary with a frying pan and all I can think of is this:

17) The most fun this movie has is watching the Sanderson Sisters adapt to 1993. Reacting to things like the, “burning rain of death,” (sprinkler system) the, “black river,” (a pavement road) and even the way they run from approaching firetrucks because of the sirens is all a hoot. Like I said, each actress is amazing and they play it so well. It’s a wonderful source of comedy.

18) Thackery Binx.

Jason Marsden is an excellent voice over actor (perhaps best known as Max in A Goofy Movie and Impulse in “Young Justice”) who helps give Thackery a lot of life. This immortal black cat is wonderfully charming, with a compelling wit and sarcastic sense of humor which helps flesh him out as a character. But he also has a lot of tragedy in his life, a real loneliness. Thackery is a unique and fun addition to the film which just works really well.

19) That’s Doug Jones as Billy Butcherson.

Jones is currently one of the most well regarded character/makeup actors in showbiz, with such famous roles under his belt as both Fauno and The Pale Man in Pan’s Labyrinth, Abe Sapein in the Hellboy films, and the creature in the upcoming The Shape of Water. Just thought I’d share.

20) I gotta say, the Sanderson Sisters are a lot more funny to me in my 20s than my teens. The whole bit with the calming circle specifically had me in stitches.

Also this is great.

Girl Dressed as Angel: “Bless you.”

Sanderson Sisters: [Freak out.]

21) This whole bit with the fake cop is kinda clever, but this bugs me.

Cop [after Dani tells him Max is a virgin] Are you a virgin?

Max: Yeah.

Cop: Really?

22) Garry Marshall’s devilish cameo.

While largely (if not exclusively) serving as a distraction from the plot, it just continues the fun of the Sanderson Sisters adjusting to the new world. Garry Marshall’s presence in any film is a welcome treat, especially when he brings along sister Penny. There’s just a great sense of fun here born from the audience being in on a joke the witches are clearly unaware of.

23) Okay, this always bugged me: couldn’t the kids get A LOT of people to believe them if the talking cat explained what was going on?

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know].)

24) “I Put A Spell On You”

This may be the most iconic moment from the film, working primarily because it’s just so freaking fun! The tune is infectious, it carries a delightful Halloween sense to it, and Midler’s vocals are top notch. It’s just FUN and that’s what works.

25)

Winnie [upon seeing a high school]: “It is a prison for children.”

Well she’s not wrong.

26) As a fan of old school Universal Monster movies, I dig this line.

Max [over the high school PA]: “I’m your host, Boris Karloff Jr.”

27) Honestly I think this film’s biggest issue is a structural one. Some gags, while fun, don’t add much to the overall plot. Also the moment of quiet/peace after the heroes think the Sanderson Sisters are dead just messes with the overall flow. The tension never got high enough for it to be effective or earned. It just throws off the momentum I think.

28) Winifred’s Book.

It’s not often that I discuss prop pieces in these posts but Winnie’s book is in a lot of ways a character unto itself. The art design on the piece is absolutely wonderful and just really interesting. You understand it’s not a possession but (largely because of that eye) something a little more intelligent than that. A little more alive than that.

29) As soon as Allison opens the book this is all I can think of.

(GIF source unknown [if this is your GIF please let me know]

30) Sarah’s song to lure the children (written by James Horner, not composer John Debny) is wonderfully creepy while also being sweet. It makes sense that it would draw in a bunch of kids but as the audience we can hear the sense of doom it has.

31) So this is a classic case of Villain Stupidity™. Winnie HAS her victory! All she needs to do is give her death potion to one of the countless kids which just appeared on her front lawn but she needs to have her revenge so risks it all (needlessly) to go after Dani.

32) Okay, how does Winnie know enough about modern life to make this joke?

Winnie [pulling up next to Max’s car on her broom]: “Pull over! Let me see your driver's permit!”

33) The film’s climax actually is pretty well done. There is a nice sense of stakes and tension to it. THIS is earned, unlike the school scene. And Max’s decision to drink the potion so he can save Dani is a great character choice, showing how strong his relationship with his sister is and what he’ll do to ensure her safety.

34) Okay, when the sun rises at the end all I can think of is…

35) It may be a little cheesy, but I do really like that this film ends with Thackery being reunited with his lost sister Emily after 300 years. Also his goodbye to Dani is really nice.

Hocus Pocus has become a cult classic for a reason. With three absolutely phenomenal actresses acting as the heart of the film, it has a wonderfully wicked sense of fun to it that works at Halloween. But either you’ll like it or you won’t. There are some problems with structure, focus, and some character development. But honestly I don’t care about those so much because it’s just so freaking fun. It more than makes up for its flaws with a sense of humor and cartoonish mayhem which carries the 90 minute run time well. It’s just a fun Halloween movie which everyone should watch once just to see if they like.

[doomonfilm]

Thoughts : Upcoming Films 2019 (January - June)

I’ve started digging around seeing what 2019 holds in store for us movie fans, and man oh man do we have a lot to look forward to... so much, in fact, that what was meant to be a comprehensive 2019 list has turned into a six-month preview due to the volume of releases I have opinions on.  Without further ado, here are my thoughts about upcoming first half of 2019 releases.

Possible Gems

The Lego Movie 2 : The Second Part (February 1) : This just looks like fun, and a ton of it.

Alita : Battle Angel (February 14) : Initially, I had my reservations about this anime being remade into a live-action motion picture, but after the first round of previews, it seems to be set enough in its own style to possible work.

Captain Marvel (March 8) : No need for ‘possible’, this will more than likely be amazing.  It will also be a table-setter for the inevitable atomic bomb of entertainment that is Avengers : Endgame. 

Under the Silver Lake (April 19) : Wrote an entire blog entry on this one.  Nice job releasing it near 4-20, hopefully they don’t change the release date YET AGAIN.

Avengers : Endgame (April 26) : The one that most of us have been waiting for, and waiting for quite a long time.  This should be a benchmark moment in the MCU, as it will more than likely serve as the close of one chapter and the beginning of a new one for the MCU and its vast range of stories to tell.

Pokemon : Detective Pikachu (May 10) : Ryan Reynolds has found his groove in a major way it seems, and this film looks like it will keep his successful run of ridiculousness alive and well.  Possibly the most intriguing film of the year.

John Wick 3 : Parabellum (May 17) : Watch out Tom Cruise, because it seems like Keanu Reeves is aiming square at the top spot in terms of domestic action franchises.  The John Wick series continues to gain momentum with each film, getting bigger and more badass with each entry, so the third one should really hold some big shock and awe for us all.

Toy Story 4 (June 21) : Word on the street is that you better bring all of your tissues to this affair.

The Intriguing

Glass (January 18) : Just when we thought M. Night Shyamalan was done with the twists, Split left us with a little something to thing about... cut to a couple of years later, and that seed has grown into a full-fledged motion picture that is bringing together the M. Night Cinematic Universe we didn’t know existed (and didn’t know we were dying to explore).  In a career full of ups and downs, wins and losses, this is poised to be an early big win in 2019.

Happy Death Day 2U (February 14) : I’m not quite sure how I feel about this sequel... it took me a while to get around to the original, and I did enjoy it, but it seems like a one-off kind of idea.  Who knows, maybe they’ll find ways I am not thinking of to dig new ground out of this premise... I guess we’ll all have to wait and see.

Us (March 15) : Had someone told me 5 years ago that Jordan Peele of Key & Peele fame would be the modern day equivalent of Rod Serling or Alfred Hitchcock, I would have laughed long and hard.  After the success of Get Out, however, and the very unsettling trailer for Us, that statement seems like a certified fact. 

The Beach Bum (March 22) : Harmony Korine and Matthew McConaughey are both riding hot streaks right now with no end in sight, seemingly.  Maybe, with their powers combined (as well as a ton of cameos and supporting start talent), the streak will continue through 2019.

Hellboy (April 12) : Not sure if I can put this in the remake category, as it seems to be more of a second run at a film franchise for this beloved comic series.  The buzz so far seems positive... let’s see if the finished product can match the hype!

Missing Link (April 12) : The first preview for a 2019 animated film that I may actually want to go see.  The animation reminds me of Wallace and Gromit, and the humor looks like it’ll appeal to both children and adults. 

The Kid (May 24) : I have no idea what this is about, but seeing Vincent D’Onofrio in the director’s chair has me interested immediately.  Seeing Chris Pratt starring has my head spinning in terms of the possible chemistry between these two.  I’ll have to look more into this one.

Godzilla : King of Monsters (May 31) : The Godzilla remakes have slowly but surely gotten better, and now that they are opening up the possibility to the other monsters in that canon, we may have some fun on our hands for years to come.

Men in Black : International (June 14) : Tessa Thompson?  Yes please.  Plus, Thompson and Chris Hemsworth have displayed great chemistry in the past, and we know this series works in terms of an Odd Couple scenario, so what’s not to love about this series continuing?  Could’ve done without the Fergie song in the promos, though.

Son of Shaft (June 14) : The Superfly update in 2018 worked surprisingly well, so why not take a stab at continuing the legacy of Shaft that’s been committed to film already?  This film is supposed to pick up where the Samuel L. Jackson entry left off, and with not trailer material out yet, I don’t have enough to base a judgement on, so I will go on pure speculation for placement on this list.

Should They Remake This?

What Men Want (February 8) : I feel like Taraji P. Henson is too good for a remake of the Mel Gibson vehicle What Men Want.  The premise is dated, and Henson will potentially have to dumb down her abilities to fit it.  Thankfully, her pedigree is (hopefully) strong enough to survive what feels like an automatic ‘L’.

Dumbo (March 29) : Disney has already committed to a run of live-action remakes for their classic animated films.  While the film fan in me knows these will probably be cool, the purist in me wishes they’d leave well enough alone.

Pet Sematary (April 5) : For a writer as prolific as Stephen King, why stick to books that have previously be adapted?  Where’s that The Girl That Loved Tom Gordon movie that I (and probably only I) have been waiting for? 

Aladdin (May 24) : Why remake all these Disney films, especially in the same year?  And, why Guy Ritchie?

Rocketman (May 31) : 2019... the year of the Disney remake, it seems.

Child’s Play (June 21) : Part of the charm of the original Child’s Play series is the dated nature of the series.  Rebooting this series gives me the fear that we are inching towards Saw territory for what was formerly a campy horror delight.

Red Flags

Tyler Perry’s A Madea Family Funeral (March 1) : I hate to be mean spirited, but I hope that the funeral is for the Madea film franchise. 

Shazam! (April 5) : Has Warner Brothers really done anything at all to install faith in the DCEU?  Short of Wonder Woman 2, I don’t see a winner in their future. 

Dark Phoenix (June 7) : Sony and the X-Men film franchise has been in trouble for a long time, and Dark Phoenix does not look like it’s going to right the ship.  It may be time to put this series to rest and allow the X-Men to come home to the MCU, where they will (more than likely) be given the cinematic treatment that they deserve.

[aion-rsa]

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2016: #100 – #76

Think the holidays are over? Think again! Because today marks the start of the most joyous season of all — CBR’s annual Top 100!

Each year, we take a thoughtful look at the comic book industry’s abundance of offerings and poll the passionate, thoughtful and always-opinionated CBR staff for their rankings of the top comics of the year. Every publisher putting out new comics material in English, regardless of genre or format, is fair game; each individual list is then factored in (all thanks to the power of mathematics and the magic of spreadsheets) to determine the overall Top 100 that will be unveiled on CBR over the course of this week.

2016 was another big year for the Top 100, once again with more than 40 contributors to the list and more than 200 comics nominated. That’s resulted in a typically diverse and sometimes unpredictable field: world-famous superheroes alongside creator-owned works; major publishers sharing space with indie favorites. Of course, even with 100 spots, no list can be an exhaustive collection of every noteworthy piece of work in a year, but the end result of the CBR Top 100 is a wide selection of eclectic comics and graphic novels worthy of attention.

Today, we start unveiling the list with entries No. 100 to 76, with the countdown continuing each day this week. Here’s the schedule, mark your calendars accordingly (all times Eastern): Tuesday, 1/3, 3 p.m.: Top 75-51; Wednesday, 1/4, 3 p.m.: Top 50-26; Thursday, 1/5, 9 a.m.: Top 25-11; Thursday, 1/5, 3 p.m.: Top 10; Friday, 1/6, 9 a.m.: Master list.

Start perusing the list below, and if you feel so moved, take to Twitter and (politely) discuss your thoughts using the hashtag #CBRTop100. While you’re here, feel free revisit our Top 100 lists from previous years:

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2015

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2014

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2013

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2012

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2011

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2010

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2009

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2008

CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2016: 100 -> 76 | 75 -> 51 | 50 -> 26 | 25 -> 11 | 10 -> 1

100. Empress

Written by Mark Millar

Art by Stuart Immonen

Publisher: Marvel/Icon

“Empress” is another sci-fi story reminiscent of Star Wars. It’s got the “Long Ago” part down pat, as it’s set 65 million years ago, only instead of in a “Galaxy Far, Far Away,” the seven-issue miniseries begins on Earth. King Morax is the head of an interstellar empire. Life in this empire is what you would expect it to be like if DC Comics’ Mongul had ever managed to take over the universe. As a result, the empress of the empire plans on leaving her psychotic husband before he turns his psychotically sadistic gaze onto her or their children. With the help of a Poe Dameron-type, she takes her kids and flees deep into space. With the story focusing on their escape, trying to stay ahead of the empire that’s out to kill them, and dealing with rebellious teens, “Empress” reads a heck of a lot like “The Incredibles” meets “Star Wars” and comes highly recommended if you like either franchise.

— CBR List Editor Brian Patry

99. Prophet: Earth War

Written by Brandon Graham, Simon Roy

Art by Giannis Milonogiannis, Simon Roy, Ron Ackins, Grim Wilkins, Brandon Graham, Jenna Trost

Publisher: Image Comics

Brandon Graham and Simon Roy’s millennia-spanning continuation of Rob Liefeld’s space barbarian character wrapped up in a most enjoyable fashion. Most of the series’s huge stable of artists returned for a final battle for the fate of the cosmos that was equal parts Jack Kirby, Frank Herbert and “Fist of the North Star.”

— CBR Contributing Writer Tom Baker

98. The Ukrainian and Russian Notebooks

Written & Illustrated by Igort

Publisher: Simon & Schuster

This book was originally published as two volumes where Igort traveled to the region, and tells stories about the people he meets and the stories he overhears as he investigates the 1932 Holodomor, where the Soviet government caused the deaths of millions of Ukrainians, and the more recent murder of a Russian journalist who was critical of Vladimir Putin.

— CBR Staff Writer Alex Dueben

97. Tetris

Written & Illustrated by Box Brown

Publisher: First Second Books

Box Brown shows the incomparable power of strong narratives, in the way that he takes a topic (the creation of the video game “Tetris”) that you wouldn’t necessarily think would be an interesting one and infuses it with such fascinating characters and insights that you discover an unhidden area in your brain that, you know what, is apparently super-interested in “Tetris.”

— CBR Staff Writer Brian Cronin

96. Black

Written by Kwanza Osajyefo

Art by Tim Smith III, Jamal Yaseem Igle, Steven Walker

Publisher: Black Mask Studios

Kwanza Osafjeyo’s story resonates deeply because of how it addresses the sociopolitical state of America when it comes to the issues of Black Americans and their concerns over equality. Given the state of turmoil brought on by police shootings, this book, with bold covers by Khary Randolph, came at a time where the country was engaged in a heated elections race and took a bold stance by creating a world where Black people gained superpowers in a time where people feared and hated them. It felt like Black Lives Matter speaking through the comics medium, making manifestos and not statements — big, controversial but necessary ones that the world needs to hear. An indictment of how people of color are treated and a call to rally for justice.

— CBR Contributing Writer Renaldo Matadeen

95. Paul Up North

Written & Illustrated by Michel Rabagliati

Publisher: Conundrum Press

Michel Rabagliati is a master cartoonist who evokes an entire world in his detailed, but not fussy, drawings. His latest Paul book, translated by Helge Dascher, chronicles an ill-fated hitchhiking trip made by teenage Paul (based loosely on Rabagliati himself) and a friend; it’s funny and touching and beautifully told.

— CBR Staff Writer Brigid Alverson

94. Lucifer

Written by Holly Black

Art by Lee Garbett, Stephanie Hans, Marco Rudy

Publisher: DC/Vertigo

Reminiscent of Mike Carey’s “Lucifer” in all the best of ways, while also becoming something entirely new and different for our favorite fallen angel. Holly Black was the perfect choice for breathing life back into this bit of comics mythology, and with the help of Lee Garbett and Antonio Fabela, this fresh take on Lucifer is infinitely complex and rewarding. This comic has given us so many gifts, including but not limited to giving Raphael a human boyfriend and a lot of strategically placed angel nudity. These creators clearly know what the people want!

— CBR Contributing Writer Heather Knight

93. Spell on Wheels

Written by Kath Leth

Art by Megan Levens

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

“I’ve compared the book to ‘Buffy’ and ‘Charmed’ for a number of reasons,” Kate Leth told CBR in a September interview on “Spell on Wheels.” “One of them being that they are joyful. Even when things get dark and scary, these kinds of stories are about magic, which is an incredible, brilliant thing. I wanted that to shine through in the art, and Megan and [colorist] Marissa [Louise] have done it better than I could’ve hoped for.”

92. Ghosts

Written & Illustrated by Raina Telgemeier

Publisher: Scholastic

Raina Telgemeier’s latest graphic novel, “Ghosts,” merges the fantastical dead (ghosts coming out during the Day of the Dead) with a very real specter: a family where the younger daughter, Maya, has cystic fibrosis. It would be easy for Telgemeier to use the fantasy elements of her novel to provide some sort of special cure, but what we get instead is a very adult, realistic approach to having a family member with a terminal condition, while still being accessible to younger readers. Her art brings the northern California coastal town to life in an inviting manner even as it’s filled with restless spirits, and the writing is heartfelt but never sappy. “Ghosts” might be marketed to younger readers, but this is a book that truly all ages will enjoy.

— CBR Staff Writer Greg McElhatton

91. The Fade Out

Written by Ed Brubaker

Art by Sean Phillips

Publisher: Image Comics

The year 2016 saw a number of creators working on projects that served as ideal expressions of their particular creative powers, none more so than this ultimate hard-edged crime noir tale set at the height of Hollywood’s so-called Golden Era. Writer Ed Brubaker and artist Sean Phillips have traveled pitch-black roads like this together before, but never so stylishly.

— CBR Staff Writer Scott Huver

90. Detective Comics

Written by James Tynion IV

Art by Eddy Barrows, Alvaro Martinez, Al Barrionuevo, Andy MacDonald, Carmen Carnero

Publisher: DC Comics

This is the definitive Batman team-up book. James Tynion IV, Eddy Barrows & the rest of the creative team have taken supporting cast members like Batwoman, Red Robin, Spoiler and Cassandra Cain and propelled them to starring roles.

— CBR Contributing Writer Tim Adams

89. Jonesy

Written by Sam Humphries

Art by Caitlin Rose Boyle

Publisher: BOOM! Studios/BOOM! Box

Flat out, “Jonesy” is the funniest all-ages comic out there. In an era where we’re seeing more great, original comics for kids since the heyday of Dell, Humphries and Boyle’s ferret-obsessed, love-doctoring outsider outpaces the competition for sheer entertainment value. Like a 21st Century Little LuLu, only with wilder colors.

— CBR Staff Writer Kiel Phegley

88. Hellboy in Hell

Written & Illustrated by Mike Mignola

Publisher: Dark Horse Comics

What happens when it’s time to turn out the lights? This happened fictionally and in the real world thanks to “Hellboy in Hell” this year, as Mike Mignola brought Hellboy’s story to a conclusion. Hellboy’s time in the underworld drew to a close as all of his enemies were defeated and he brought an end to Hell itself. Mignola’s depictions of a burnt-out, cold, abandoned realm were chilling, and it was hard to keep from feeling a little emotional as Hellboy — and Mignola himself — prepared to move on. If only all long-running series could end in such an elegant manner, maybe the idea of a conclusion wouldn’t be so scary in the serial side of comic books.

— CBR Staff Writer Greg McElhatton

87. Plutona

Written & Illustrated by Jeff Lemire & Emi Lenox

Publisher: Image Comics

A new twist on a coming of age story similar to Stand By Me, except with superheroes — sort of. This comic took me by surprise twice; first because I hadn’t been expecting it to be a superhero book and then second because I hadn’t been expecting it to actually end up being a book about a group of kids finding a dead body in the woods, and everything that happens after. Jeff Lemire, Emi Lenox and Jordie Bellaire weave together a compelling story about adolescence, friendship, and secrecy, with an ending to the first story arc that was positively haunting and left me wanting more.

— CBR Contributing Writer Heather Knight

86. No Mercy

Written by Alex de Campi

Art by Carla Speed McNeil

Publisher: Image Comics

DeCampi and McNeil’s tale of rich pre-college kids getting out of their depth on a charity service trip in central America really does live up to its name. This is a series about survival and horror is equal measure. For me, its standout story of the year came in issue #9, a tale of identity and family that draws heavily on the real-life stories of abuse at various “residential treatment centers” in America and beyond.

— CBR Contributing Writer Rob Cave

85. Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur

Written by Amy Reeder & Brandon Montclare

Art by Natacha Bustos, Marco Failla, Leonard Kirk, Ray-Anthony Height

Publisher: Marvel Comics

Surprisingly thoughtful, “Moon Girl and Devil Dinosaur” skillfully blends Marvel’s comedic sensibility with contemporary issues in a fun and thrilling all-ages title. Lunella’s journey is still beginning, but she may prove to be an essential Marvel character in the years ahead.

— CBR Contributing Writer Erik Amaya

84. East of West

Written by Jonathan Hickman

Art by Nick Dragotta

Publisher: Image Comics

While it’s easy to get swept up in its dystopian-future setting (complete with an alternate history of the United States) and political and religious machinations, “East of West” is at its core a very human story, which is perhaps most evident when it focuses on the inhuman, whether that’s the personifications of Death, War, Famine and Conquest, or young Babylon, the son of Death who’s been raised from infancy to become the Beast of the Apocalypse. Written by Jonathan Hickman and illustrated by Nick Dragotta, each issue of “East of West” is filled with horror and wonder, providing an almost-irresistible treat for fans of sci-fi and Westerns.

— CBR Editor Kevin Melrose

83. Copra

Written & Illustrated by Michel Fiffe

Publisher: Copra Press

What began as a homage to the classic John Ostrander-written “Suicide Squad” run has evolved into something quite singular and unlike anything else in mainstream superhero comics. Fiffe evokes the style and art of a number of great artists, like Miller, Steranko, and Ditko, while adding his own unique touch of minimalist colors, intense action and an ever-changing story, elevating the project from tribute into something truly special that should not be missed under any circumstance.

— CBR Contributing Writer Sean Fischer

82. Big Kids

Written & Illustrated by Michael DeForge

Publisher: Drawn & Quarterly

“Adventure Time” designer by day, endlessly innovative cartoonist by night, Michael DeForge’s latest from Drawn & Quarterly was a wonderful, empathetic fable about heightened states of consciousness and the messiness relationships. And tree people. There were also tree people.

— CBR Contributing Writer Tom Baker

81. Karnak

Written by Warren Ellis

Art by Gerardo Zaffino, Antonio Fuso, Roland Boschi

Publisher: Marvel Comics

Even though this title has only had five issues — four in 2016 — it still stood out in Marvel’s ongoing focus on the Inhumans. With this only one more issue scheduled to be released in early February and Karnak slated to co-star in the new “Secret Warriors” ongoing series, don’t forget Marvel’s brilliant reimagining of the Inhuman who can sense the flaw in all things.

— CBR Contributing Writer Adam Barnhardt

80. Snotgirl

Written by Bryan Lee O’Malley

Art by Leslie Hung

Publisher: Image Comics

I never knew how much I cared about the misadventures of the professional vanity class until Bryan Lee O’Malley and Leslie Hung showed me. Lottie Person is insufferable and magnetic, making her pretty much a perfect avatar for the internet writ large. She’s reactive and petty, but still, somehow, worth it. I’m rooting for her, possibly because I know folks of her type are not likely to go away, so if she can prove herself to be worthy of doing some good in the world, maybe there’s hope for us all. And even barring that, if you can’t have hope, try a healthy dose of vapid, vacuous distraction.

— CBR Staff Writer Brendan McGuirk

79. Han Solo

Written by Marjorie Liu

Art by Mark Brooks

Publisher: Marvel Comics

Marjorie Liu catches the very essence of the swaggering nerfherder in just five short issues in a perfect exploration of the character. Christ, I need more.

— CBR Contributing Writer Leia Calderon

78. Romulus

Written by Bryan Edward Hill

Art by Nelson Blake II

Publisher: Image/Top Cow

Nelson Blake II can draw like nobody’s business. That’s no surprise. Bryan Edward Hill, however, comes from the screenwriting and TV writing world like a force of nature, and together they put together a secret society story that other books like it wish they could keep up with. Keeping a tight focus on a small cast, this series is intimate and shocking, intricate and kinetic. A super enjoyable series from people who are firing on all cylinders.

— CBR Staff Writer Hannibal Tabu

77. Secret Wars #9

Written by Jonathan Hickman

Art by Esad Ribic

Publisher: Marvel Comics

“Secret Wars” #9 by Jonathan Hickman and Esad Ribic was not only the perfect cap to Marvel’s best event book in recent memory, it was also one of the finest Fantastic Four stories of all time. Starting with a cosmic-level battle between an Infinity Gauntlet-empowered Black Panther and a God-Doom, and culminating in a very human conflict between Reed Richards and Victor von Doom (which, in turn, led to the rebirth of the Marvel Universe, proper), this issue, which was released (admittedly late) towards the start of 2016, was as perfect as an event tie-in can be, and a litmus test for how to stick the landing on a multiple year-spanning story.

— CBR List Editor Steven E. Paugh

76. Lumberjanes

Written by Kat Leyh, Shannon Watters

Art by Carey Pietsch, Ayme Sotuyo, Carolyn Nowak

Publisher: BOOM! Studios/BOOM! Box

Consistently fun and still the gold standard for all-ages titles. The characters continue to pop as its world becomes larger and more layered.

— CBR Contributing Writer Erik Amaya

Check back with CBR on Tuesday for more of the Top 100!

The post CBR’s Top 100 Comics of 2016: #100 – #76 appeared first on CBR.com.

http://ift.tt/2hL7IOO

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Worst of 2019 (So Far)

And now we get to the opposite of yesterday’s post: the worst of what we’ve seen so far. Time to give them a proper thrashing before they (hopefully) fade into obscurity. Disappointingly, there's a general lack of films that were bad but in an interesting way. Mostly, it’s either been the same sorta dreck we usually get with a couple of unusually offensive stories and a couple of soul-crushingly bad superhero flicks. Curious? Read on.

10. Serenity

I like to save my #10 spot on the “Worst of” list for a movie that has a chance of becoming a favorite among those who love bad movies. Serenity is competently enough made that it does not belong in the same category as The Identical or Runaway. It’s another kind of bad movie, the kind that baffles anyone who sees it and who will have film historians scratching their heads in the future. It’s not quite on the same level as 2017’s “The Book of Henry” but close. Top-notch actors at the top of their career in a story so poorly conceived it would’ve been brilliant if it weren’t awful and utterly absurd.

The revelation that everything we've been seeing is actually part of a video game programmed by an angry teen who hates his abusive father, and that his actions are tied to those of Matthew McConaughey's character is the kind of nutty decision someone at some point should've questioned. My advice? Surprise some unsuspecting friends with it. Periodically pause the movie so they can write down how they think it'll all fit together and then watch their faces as they're proved wrong.

9. After

I’m not going to remember After down the line so this is my opportunity to give it another flogging. I can’t believe fan-fictions of real people is a real thing and that one of them was deemed legitimate and popular enough to be turned into a movie. It plays out like the clone of a clone of a clone of Twilight. At least that movie had danger in the form of vampires and werewolves. This has nothing to offer except embarrassing drama and a prepubescent’s idea of what romance and love look like. I saw it in the theater with a friend and thank goodness she was there; it made what would've been a chore... slightly more bearable.

8. Dumbo

I’ve already gone on about how I feel about Disney’s string of live-action remakes. For the most part, they fail to validate their own existences; they’re just copies of the original but with “real” actors dancing around animated backgrounds, objects and locations instead of everything being traditionally animated. Dumbo isn’t like Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. It does try new things. It diverges from the source material significantly in the worst way. The titular character winds up playing second banana to a bunch of circus performers no one cares about and in the end didn’t contain an inkling of the emotion the 1941 version did.

7. Dark Phoenix

This one’s a triple-whammy. Not only was it a deeply disappointing way for Fox’s X-Men series to end, it retreaded old material in a way that was worse than X-Men 3: The Last Stand AND it was a box office bomb. By the time the story finally comes alive… it’s just about over. The whole thing feels like a mistake, bringing in aliens and asking us to invest in characters we just haven’t had enough time to fall in love with. Makes me wonder what the future of the characters is going to be like. Yes there are a number of heroes and heroines we haven’t yet seen, but are people going to care, even when the brand gets a new coat of paint from Marvel Studios?

6. Men in Black: International

Was anyone asking for the Men in Black series to return? Maybe if they'd had a dynamite story this could’ve overcome the public’s general disinterest, but this was an extremely generic plot you could figure out easily minutes in and lost touch with what endeared us to the first. Even with the combined forces of Tessa Thompson and Chris Hemsworth failed, it to generate many laughs. Worse, to make sure I got any references or Easter egg it might drop, I re-watched all of the previous Men in Black movies, including the horrific Men in Black 2.

5. Replicas

This movie goes about itself in such a convoluted way. First, Keanu Reeves plays a scientist working for a company that wants to transplant the mind of dead soldiers into androids. Then, his family is killed in a car crash, prompting him to use the mind transfer tech to put their memories into new clone bodies of themselves. Problem is, he only has the means to clone three out of four family members. This means he has to erase all memories of his youngest daughter from the others’ brains. Following me so far? Good because it keeps going from there. Actually, that’s just the start of it. It’s a classic case of TMSGO - too much sh*t goin’ on. Even with all that, it STILLL managed to have gaping plot holes. No surprise it came and went as quietly as possible.

4. Hellboy

This one hurt. I wanted to see a superhero horror film badly. The early interviews I read about them wanting to adapt Mike Mignola’s books more closely than the Del Toro films got me excited. I was a little apprehensive when the trailers showed some goofy stuff but I figured these were included to draw people in. I should've listened to that sinking feeling. The actual film is awful, one giant mistake after another. Without a doubt, this featured the year’s worst special effects and even this I could've forgiven but the would-be humorous tone was badly misjudged and the story bloated with way too many elements that might've worked... if we weren't also trying to tell the character's origin at the same time. Hellboy ends with a teaser promising more and there’s no way we would’ve seen a sequel even if this had made money at the box office. Cool demons though, for what it’s worth.

3. Shaft

Looking back, I’m struggling to think of anything worth seeing in Shaft. I hated the film’s approach at comedy, particularly when it reverted Samuel L. Jackson’s John Shaft into the kind of man who proudly doesn’t understand modern sensibilities and spews out one homophobic joke after another. The plot was uninspired and uninteresting - not to mention generic - and none of it felt like it belonged on the big screen. On the upside, it prompted me to view the original trilogy with Richard Roundtree and those were enjoyable.

2. Simmba

Simmba is unlikely to be on the “Worst of 2019” list next January. It probably won’t be at the #2 spot. The film mixes two wildly different tones but not well. It begins as a romantic crime comedy, a dated one, sure. Simmba staging a phoney crime in order for the woman he’s attracted to to call him for help and then use the call as an excuse to stay with her through the night is creepy but I guess it might’ve passed like 20 years ago in North America. What makes this a bad film is the way it then introduces a character’s gang rape and murder as a way to prompt the anti-hero onto a righteous path. From there, it turns into this vigilante revenge film that has disturbing implications. You probably haven’t heard of it before now, much less seen it. I don’t recommend you check it out.

Runner Ups:

Aladdin

A controversial choice, as many casual filmgoers seem to have fallen madly in love with it (similar to the way they ate up 2017’s Beauty and the Beast) but honestly, what does this film do better than 1992’s Aladdin? Add an unmemorable song for Princess Jasmine to sing? Reduce the number of talking animals in order to give us more… nothing? Pile on the CGI to the point you wonder why it was made with live-actors in the first place? Like the innumerable direct-to-video sequels of classic films who've been all but forgotten, I tell you this Arabbian adventure won't endure.

Tolkien

So much potential squandered on a boring story. It didn’t take an astute viewer to recognize the film was crippled by the studio failing to obtain the rights to Tolkien’s actual work. I get the feeling we'll see another shot at a biography of J.R.R. Tolkien in a couple of years and this will be the Christopher Robin to the much superior Goodbye Christopher Robin.

The Hustle

It’s an unfunny comedy, what more is there to say? Rebel Wilson makes yet another bad career choice playing the same character she always plays. I only realized it was a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels while writing my review, which is unfortunate. Hopefully I can expunge this film from my memory soon enough and forget anything it might’ve spoiled about the original Bedtime Story or the 1988 remake.

1. Unplanned

The numerous instances of technical incompetence - mostly coming from the performers who are given lackluster material - would be enough to condemn Unplanned to this list. What made me hate the film is the way it blatantly lies and attempts to manipulate the audience into further entrenching themselves in a certain point of view through cheap, manipulative means. I can respect that genuine passion was poured into the project but the way it goes about it is shameful. Do not go see it, even if you're curious.

Yuck. That last one really left a bad taste in my mouth so I'm going to talk about a movie I did enjoy and am enthusiastic to direct you towards Alita: Battle Angel. Rosa Salazar as the titular Alita impressed me and I really dug the action scenes. I'll also right a wrong from last year by reminding you to find and watch Paddington and Paddington 2, both movies I should've put on my "Best of" lists the years they came out. I don't know what I was thinking but I keep coming back to these in my head. They're excellent for kids and adults.

And with that said, the list is over. Back to our regularly-scheduled film reviews until something big comes up. Thoughts or comments on the list are welcome and I hope you enjoyed reading.