#Walk Around (Hang My Head)
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Pajamas
#still trying to get the hang of drawing tummies#I always forget theres like. stuff between the collarbone and the hips. sometimes I forget hips exist 🗿#my brains so used to it now that drawing like. riblines and stomachs feels like the body is ‘””’too long’#I pose in the mirror a lot for reference and she ends up being my guinea pig 🧍#I cant do complex stuff comfortably though. I have a hard time wrapping my head around foreshortening#walking around in a crop top and underwear is funnn. maybe they were right about those#swimsuit outfits. I want to draw more like these#no not swimsuit I was thinking of the fucking. the big jakt or big pant post. you already know which one I fall under#my art#myart#doodles#my oc#oc#Augusta#partial nudity#OH THAT WAS THE WORD I WAS TRYING TO THINK OF#I posted this in another server but I felt the need to spoiler it and I couldn’t remember the word#like its not suggestive and there are no genitals. but shes technically in her underwear and showing a lot of skin#cw partial nudity
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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i realize and understand that certain people were just not good to stay or keep in my life for reasons and then i'll see something or think of something and realize i have no one else to talk to about that thing bc she'd be the only one to understand and that makes me want to peel my skin off
#or i'll be hanging around new people and do or say something and they dont get it and i think to myself she would get me now#oooohhhhhh i want to kill myself on the spot whenever that happens#i fucking hate it fucking hate grieving people who chose to walk out of my life get out of my head OMGGGGG#but this is all of course a more idealized version of her in my head#in reality she wouldnt be present enough in my life to even share anything with her LMAOOOOO#i need my brain to start getting real and stop pissing me off#nesi rants
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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hi friends☺️💗☺️ hope you’re all doing so lovely today and staying hydrated and being kind to yourselves! does anyone here like lord of the rings?! I went on an adventure today and it felt just like leaving the safety of the shire and I found a SNAIL! I’ll show you guys some photos in a little while im gonna work on the rest of my drafts and asks and then im all caught up if anyone wants to plot or do new things!!! thanks for everyone who’s been very gracious and patient with me 🩵💛🩵🩵🍓🫐😚
#turtle talks#lotr#exploring adventures#I wish I could take you all on my walks#just strap ya all on my back and lug ya all around so you can enjoy the adventures with me!#I have to remember to bring apples or something for the deers though#One of them has this super long tongue that always hangs out the side of its mouth and it wiggles everytime it moves it head#I wanna touch it but I fear that may be a social faux pau between species
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I’ve got a bizarre and predictable cycle of making friends getting very excited about hanging out and seeing them a lot and then becoming terrified and tired of hanging out and it’s annoying
#trying to make plans to hang out with my classmate tomorrow and now I’m worried we’ll be together for too long#not even in like a there’s nothing to do and it will suck way. like. I’m excited for it. but there’s a little voice in my head that wants#to change my phone number and leave because it’s too hard or maybe I’m boring him or something. which is silly. I don’t think he’d want to#hang out if he didn’t enjoy spending time with me. I guess it’s just strange not seeing someone every day in the context of work or school.#most of my friends are friends because I have to see them every day and not anymore#well and I also feel a little bad then I’m not spending time with my sibling for all this but also I know we’d just sit around and watch#YouTube until they needed to lay down for a couple hours. this will be more fun but I feel guilty.#grrr. I just wish I were better at socializing and understanding these situations.#there’s a group hang tonight after we get dinner. so that’ll be nice I think. even though at the last one I just ended up wishing it was#just us two hanging out. until we walked back to our cars. then I like ran away. because I am me and I am afraid or social interactions I#have not experienced before. that was the time I tried convincing myself I might give him a birthday kiss in the cheek but that is very#stupid. what a way to torpedo a friendship.#anyway. rant rant rant. bitch bitch bitch.
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wanna hear about my cringe oc dream last night (you have no choice)
#quail talks#my dreams always have like 10 separate parts but the relevant OC part was#i was from kennedy's POV which is so awesome i had their voice and everything#(not their voice claim but the voice that is actually in my head that their voice claim happens to be close to. it was so great)#basically we were locked in this room full of people for whatever reason and we were pissed off we were failing at human interaction#it wouldve been a nightmare otherwise that we kept saying things that got horrible crowd reactions. no one was listening to us#at some point i remember getting super restless and needing to walk around the room and i thought well this is so much better than#sitting at my* desk all day. <-- *kennedy's desk#but the small part???? when i flipped my hair over my shoulder#which was such a visceral unique sensation because i haven't had long hair in so long- it was soooo weird to be able to do that!!!#i was fascinated by my hair for the rest of the time. so hung up over the fact it was flippable over my shoulder. soooo long#like im literally kennedy rn and all i care about is my hair. you must understand....#i love when i have dreams that im just my OC hanging out idly and its like <3 cool#usually i prefer dreams when i'm myself and i get meet my characters. but this was worth it for the long hair moment
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little man on my shoulder whispering into my ear: you are SO so correct about everything ever, all of your fears are reasonable and make total sense, you are always right, everyone is silly for not thinking the way you do
little man on my other shoulder: Friendly Reminder That You Have Been Diagnosed With Severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
#chronic game of 'do I GENUINELY dislike this thing - or is my constant fear response just ruining it for me'?#etc. etc. I jest - but I think actually most of the time I'm pretty good at telling the difference because I have this self awareness#like if I'm clearly bulshitting myself about something my brain is usually like 'eHMM that is Noot CORREct' or whatever#So sadly many of my Unpopular Opinions or etc. are just genuinely me having a naturally different beleife#not me being influenced by my fears. because it will be stuff that has nothing to do with my obsessions#But then sometimes it's something like .. cooking in a kitchen with someone else and being like 'ah no we have to lay the utensils down in#this specific ritualistic way' and then I catch myself and am like....... no. actually lay them down however you what. who said that. haha#secret battle going on in my head of 'GRR how dare they open the DOOR the INCORRECT WAY' ... 'ah I have just been informed by experts#actually that there is indeed NO correct way to open a door and I am just insane. Statement is redacted and mood is calmed'#All the while the person walking through the door or whatever is oblivious to my internal monologue#'what are you thinking about? you're kind of quiet' 'oh haha nothing. just hanging out.' *zoom into inside my head and it's two little dudes#rolling around on the floor exchanging punches beating each other to death*#there's a third guy in the corner working on worldbuilding ideas
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Renfield is such a goofy dog <3
#whenever he has a problem he comes Right To Me and its SO funny dhdbDNDB#he doesnt actively try to get his atopivet collar off but it does just loosen naturally over time so i have to retighten it#and earlier he walked into the living room after napping on my bed and just stood in the doorway with it half hanging off his head /#up around his ears and just stood there waiting for me to come fix it#dog blogging
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Uh Oh! You ignored an invisible, unspoken social cue that you were supposed to psychically detect without being asked, and now the allistics are cursing you out!: The Movie: The Sequel: The Series: The-
#god im so tired#autism#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#today's saga: I walked down the sidewalk#that's it that's my crime#there were three people in front of me taking up the whole fucking thing and moving slowly#so I pulled out my phone and pretended to be on it since allistics piss themselves if you look at them for too long#then the people camped out directly in front of my apartment entrance and had a slow conversation#so I quietly moved around them and headed for the back door#at which point one of them yelled 'fuck you' at me#why? I don't fucking know#allistics are always one social cue away from a meltdown and yet we're the sensitive ones#smh#they were talking TO EACH OTHER about going into the apartment and hanging out#they did not look at me once#but maybe#even though they'd made an effort to block me off for the entire fucking walk to my apartment#and had vehemently avoided acknowledging my presence#and didn't even look at me when they fucking said that#maybe they were expecting ME to ?? push through them ?? and open the door for them??#i dont fucking know - allistics are unhinged
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#am I tired bc being around my family for four straight days or am I tired bc travel or am I tired bc one (1) past midnight call or#am I tired bc end of summer or am I tired bc accumulated burnout from entire past year#like idk man I’m just. so tired of being tired all the time. please something is wrong and I can’t even identify it much less fix it#I just want to. make it through a workday without feeling like I want to hibernate. to walk to campus and back or stay up late so I can#talk to my friends. without feeling like I’m gonna be punished for it later. to sit down and focus and read a book I know I’m enjoying#for longer than a five minute snatch of time.#to do work I’m proud of or make any progress at all on the projects hanging over my head.#sola said#delete later
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lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake
#i feel worse WHY DOES SHE HAVE TONED MUSCLES UGHHH#also my confidence has gone down a tiny bit bc why is she hanging out w all these cool ppl#how is this girl simultaneously a lawyer and also has her social life on max like give me a break#thered a photo of her walking around in heaven either before closing or after opening shes sooo#HOWEVER. i just had a call w her yesterday that made me realise my idea of romance is more romantic than her idea of romance#but also that she doesnt want to do smth super romancey on a 3rd date which according to my friends is fair but according to my heart#it is not. like why are u on a date if u dont wanna do anything romancey at that point just hang out w friends#odd of her to say that too considering our first two dated were quite romantic . anyway#yo this cafe is playing persian music nice. anyway yh#also she makes being middle eastern so gay yk the goodbye fake cheek kiss thing we do . where u like . kiss the air on the sides of the#persons face when ur saying goodbye. ygwim . yeah she doesnt do the fake air kisses she gives u two tender kisses like . anyway#i discussed the stuff she does w my friend and like why r her words so aloof and her actions so...not . and my friends reaction was#basically this is fuckboy behaviour. apparently he used to do that to girls ?? like tell them he rly liked them#and be all charming and romantic even tho he rly wasnt invested at all and he mostly wanted to hook up. like ok#im gonna kill myself then. why would u stroke my hair w my head on ur LAP THEN. WHAT IF SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS LIKE#oops it was nothing#....ill kms actually. no i womt. but anyway#also got added to the gc w the other lecturers givjng talks on the 6th so its getting more real#my friend was like did u do the script yet :))) . almost died shes so scary i love her . but . fuck two exams . crush. talk. ucl cambrdige#three conferences aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA im so anxious i dont even feel anything atp#......I HAVE NO MONEY!!! TO TOP IT OFF#my crush and i are both iranian (aka born w extremely expensive taste woven into our genes) but i wanna like#treat her w the entire 2 quid in my bank account ig ♡♡♡#crushposting
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maslow's hierarchy of needs but the whole thing is just 'being able to live in a walkable city'
#misc.txt#literally I've never spent a significant amount of time just. walking around a large city. before yesterday#bc growing up my parents CONSTANTLY drilled it into my head that all cities are p much hell on earth. so much deep paranoia#that I am very much not used to anything larger than a medium sized town its extremely foreign to me#and like ik there are issues that I couldn't see by essentially being a tourist for one day. obviously#but I think..theres something abt living jn a place where there's people#and you can walk to community spaces/centers. you can walk to stores. you can walk to shops. you can just. hang out#as much as I am not good at interacting with others yet#I really like being around people#in general#strangers. crowds. ppl I will chat with once and never see again. etc. it doesn't matter#I like being in places that feel alive and are not suburban hellscapes. idk didn't really sink in until yesterday#then again I also wonder if it's just bc the only time I feel I'm able to somewhat sucessfully connect w people I don't know#is when I'm just passing through a place. idk#much 2 think about
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How do you possibly write that nostalgic feeling of times gone past, reflecting in one's bed during a starry, rainy night? It's genuinely such a hard feeling to describe in words.
#though personally#i always feel this way listening to a song i became attached to at a certain time#it always reminds me of that event but also back when my room was my own and not shared w my sister#and of starry silent wintery/autumnal evenings right after meeting with friends and it's getting dark#when you feel lonely but really happy and giddy that you got to hang out with them and mess around like children again#but if it's really old and i mean like a decade or so old#i'm reminded of school discos in year 5 or 6 and playing tag and hide-and-seek w my best friend at the time#how we'd sing those songs on a bright summer holiday afternoon as we came walking back to her house from the major park we both lived near#and how we'd feel so on top of the world#and now i wonder how she's doing after she moved away#i wonder how everyone's doing after being almost 5 years apart#or of how even during lockdown i would be sat listening to minecraft osts and taking long walks down said major park#around the time i began to write and plan ootf and being reminded how thoughtful and clear headed i used to be#i'm a bit nostalgic if you can't tell#:')
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every day i wake up abd i see your yakuza posts and its like a daily occurrence
the sun is shining so nicely today :) and i open my phone is the furst thing i see is “i wish kiryu would let me suck him” abd i feel fulfilled
this blog is how i learned about yakuza and i want nothing more than to see it from you
You guys are literally so nice to me... every day i think to myself maybe i wont be so horny to spare my followers from the whorrors and then i open tumblr and immediately type some shit like i wanna strap metal bands to his ankles and deglove his legs with electricity and hit post without even thinking maybe i should give the keyboard a rest today ... i hope every day after this one is beautiful for you .... grins
#Thanks for the ask !#you got me down so well like yeah i do wish kiryu would let me suck him#but if he doesnt then ill just have to do it within a split second so that he doesnt notice#like a lightning strike on his groin. quick attack on his inner labia. one suck and i have his pants back up whistling innocently with my#hands tucked into my pockets and he regards me with suspicion before he unzips his pants to see and ive left him a small box of chocoates#and a love letter and he reads it with one hand while i hug his other arm and blink wetly at him like a seal and then he says sorry i just#dont feel the same way. and i say at least keep the chocolates ..? and he thinks for a moment before going no thank you#and he walks away and then when he rounds a corner he drops my beautiful handcrafted letter into the bin and the camera zooms in on it and#it just says any1 up? who wants 2 suck me#kiryu sees me around often and he approaches me one day like hey are you my new neighbour ? and i go im your stalker#i will catch sight of him coming down the street then i will start squealing and giggling and running back to my house to sift through my#belongings and bring a cinderblock out to the balcony so i can throw it directly at his head then call the ambulance so i can ride inside#with him and watch him concussed as hell with his eyes rolling in his head and i go it will be okay kiryu !!! and he goes mfrrgh#im crawling into the hospital bed with him so i can hug his arm and kiss his shoulder all day and he mumbles that he needs to go to the#toilet and i nod in understanding and kneel at the foot of the bed with my mouth open and he gets angry at me#how nice would kiryu be to hug he is so big and burly and so much space on his beautiful skin for kissing and bite marks. he lifts up his#hospital gown to piss and ive already dove between his legs and started sucking the goop straight out the cervical tap. im jumpscaring him#its like a majima everywhere event but instesd of fighting him i crawl out the sewer and attach my teeth to his ankles and dont let go no#matter how much he shouts at or kicks me because im giggling and so happy we are hanging out#i say all this but if i knew kiryu irl he would be my sweet baby boy who i would go out of my way to give massive discounts to (i work at#the m store and always throw in some free hair gel for him)
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yearnposting again
#ignore the nova#uhhhuuuurghhhh#i want my own!!!! fucking house!!!!!!#i eant to eat my own fucking food and broccoli and rice for dinner and have toast with it cause toast is fucking good!!!#i want to watch youtube videos and dumb shows in my living room wjtouth being judged and singalong to musicals and shit!!!!#i want to talk with my friends outloud loke i fucking want to and say swears and talk like i normally would no cernsoring!!!#i wanna be able to go out Nd buy shit if i need it and decorate ny room how i want and knit and excercise and sleep at weird times#i want to dance somtimes and put on dumb music and hang ny drawings on every wall#i want an open closet and to spend hours on every outfit and a mirror to see then and to do makeup how j want to do it#i want to walk around and do nothing but imagine silly little scenarios in my head and also study and eat and sdo shit in my own fucking ti#just uuuegh i want to live aloooone#or at least without my parents y'know#freedom tastes so good#ALSO#i wanna hang up a pride flag and posters of things i like
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