#WHY ARE T MY MEDS WORKING (dies)

[chialattea]

teachers hate her!!! disappoint your loved ones with one secret technique!! (NOT CLICKBAIT) (EXTREME)

hello guys welcome to my channel let’s get on with the video, so first step is to be an absolute moron with debilitating executive dysfunction. If you don’t have your own then genetically inherited is fine. Now you’re going to do something that me, personally, I’d never done it before, but you guys contacted me and asked me to try it so here goes: you’re gonna study a STEM degree while, again, being an idiot with no executive management skills. You got it? Great! Sooooo tune in next week for more or click inside my description for a patreon link so you can see part two. Cheers!

(incredibly obnoxious AMV outro video)

[iamnotlookingidonotseeit]

sometimes I tell my parents things. often then i wonder why i even open my mouth. but when I keep it light I end up wondering why I can't seem to connect on any real kind of level. and I add another thing to the list for therapy

[goat-guy-tm]

Mouthwashing headcanons that I cannot get out of my head;

Organized by character cause I'm normal

Jimmy is at the very bottom so you can skip him if you want.

This bitch is long and took me like two hours to write I wanna lay down...

Curly:

Bisexual Trans man because honestly he has a bit of t-boy swag

For some reason I have convinced myself he's 37. IDK why.

Comes from a pretty big family. He's the second eldest of 8 kids, his older sister is technically only a half sister but still.

He has two moms and one abusive/dead beat dad. Idk I can't explain it I just feel it in my brain that he's got two moms.

He's a mama's boy but in like a good way, not a weaponized incompetence way.

He's technically a nepo baby. His grandfather on his bio-mom's side is a director/board member of Pony Express, thus why Jimmy constantly talks about him "getting his life handed to him on a silver platter". His grandfather actually had nothing to do with him getting the job, as he has a different last name and no one actually realized they were related for a WHILE. He is the reason Curly dreamed of being a space-crafy poilt though.

He smokes cigarettes often. When he gets stressed he smokes a lot more, but he's in denial that it's a problem. Jimmy got him into smoking in the first place, peer preassuring him into it. Jimmy now conviently always seems to have packs of cigarettes on him during hauls when Curly never brings them, specially for when Curly gets stressed. (Not in like a gay way, in like a manipulative way to keep him subconsciously needing Jimmy in some way)

He is surprisingly strict when it comes to "no fraternizing with subordinates". He likes to keep his work and personal life seperate, and especially to not allow any feelings to be developed for any of his crew mates.

His first name is Grant, he was named after his father and eventually grew to hate his first name because of how horrible his father was, but he keeps his first name because his mom likes it on him, it helps her connect better memories to that name instead of the horrible ones his father gave her.

Jimmy was his only friend for a while, which is why he is so die hard about wanting to believe Jimmy is a good guy, plus Jimmy manipulating him for so long to believe Jimmy was the victim of a lot of stuff.

He is a fucking mountain of a man when it comes to muscles. Bro is buff as fuck and scary when he wants to be.

He's been the captain of the Tuplar since he became a captain (roughly 11 years). That ship is his baby.

Anya:

She's omni, if you asked her to really identify her sexuality she would say it's complicated, but she just says she's bisexual.

I feel like she's in her early/mid 30's for some reason? Like 33 at the time of the game. I know realistically she could more so be like, 26-28 (assuming she tried getting into med school the SECOND she was graduating high school)

She's been part of the Tuplar's crew for roughly 4 years, she was transferred to them after getting the medical certification from Pony Express to be an on-board nurse. Before that she had worked with another crew for a while.

She also smokes cigarettes. Significantly less than Curly does, but she still does from time to time. She started after her 4th try into med school, where she then got extremely drunk to cope with failing again, and had drunkenly bought a pack of cigs. She eventually regretted it, but was also in such a low point mentally that she thought "why the hell not" and started smoking regularly. Eventually she smoked more when stressed, which was when she was studying or getting ready for an exam of some kind. Because of this her regular smoking went to her smoking a fuck ton before and after stressful events (mostly tests) because her body has subconsciously attached to that helping her study.

She is an only child. Her mother died when she was a teen, which eventually led to her and her father having an estranged relationship. After her mother's death, her father went into an almost debilitating depressive state, becoming an extreme workaholic and albeit unintentionally neglecting Anya during her teen years. Now-a-days they are doing much better and are trying to reconnect with each other. Her father adores her and becomes devastated when news of her death on the Tuplar eventually reached him.

While Anya is not shy in any way, she is commonly seen as so simply because she keeps to herself a lot.

She worries quite a lot about money since her family didn't make a lot in the first place, and her mother was a big financial gash on them, which led to pretty extreme finance anxiety.

She's actually a big horror fan, especially horror books and often gets a bit too into them and feels like she's being weird about them, but no, she just really likes them.

Her intrest in phycology is spurred on by this, as reading phycology books makes her start to wonder about villian's reasonings. Jimmy would have been an interesting case for her if he hadn't been who he was.

If asked about any of her interests she will start to excitingly info dump, only to get embarrassed and stop, and refusing to continue when told it's fine.

Caffeine addict. She gets ungodly amounts of extra esspresso in any coffee she drinks.

She would read Warrior Cats.

Daisuke:

Pansexual trans guy. You see that Hawaiian shirt? That's peak t-boy swag right there. Lost his mind when he learned Curly was trans too.

Most likely either 20 or 21, making him the baby of the crew. Swansea balks at him every time Daisuke mentions it cause he's the same age as Swansea's kids.

He is autistic, one of the biggest reasons he has trouble figuring out what he wants to do with his life as he physically is not capable of imagining what his life will be like a few months from the present.

He would have been a DeviantArt kid, and an Animal Jam kid.

He gave the whole crew fursonas within the first week of working there. He also gave them ponysonas, but then he threw away Jimmy's after hearing what he said about Polle.

I feel like he has an affinity for small bugs. He loves saving them from being stuck in rooms, and get actually really angry when someone kills one for no reason. He snapped at Jimmy once for smushing an ant that had somehow gotten onto the ship. Reasonably there was no way to save it but Daisuke was still pissed about it.

He has a pretty strained relationship with his mother, even though he is still actively trying to gain her approval. His dad is pretty removed from his life, his dad is there, but anytime Daisuke asks his dad to stand up for him or anything his dad just shrugs and tells him to just talk it out with his mom. His mom doesn't want to talk it out. That's why he tries to get Swansea's approval, and especially feels bad when he gets injured in the vents Swansea specifically told him not to touch. (His cousins are the ones to hold the funeral for him, his mother says she wishes he would have at least done something productive before dying like that. [she's half an asshole, half going through immense guilt])

He is an only child. He had always wanted to be a big brother, and had asked for a little sibling so many times but his parents kept refusing, eventually he stopped asking but he still wished he could have been an older brother.

He has a really weird addiction to root beer.

I can't explain it but I feel like he'd be a big SCP Foundation nerd.

Swansea:

CisHet ally. Everyone is scared he is homophobic when they first meet him, but he knew his kids were gay before they did.

He was a veteran. Ended up getting medically discharged which was one of the things leading him into his alcoholic days.

He has three kids; two daughters and one son.

He has been working on the Tuplar almost as long as Curly. He joined the original original crew about 5 years into Curly being captain.

If Curly wasn't the only one allowed to use the food synthesizer and if they had actual food on the ship he would have been cooking meals for the crew every night to feel like he was at home again.

He pretends to hate it, but his music taste is 90% white girl pop. He also listens to like metal and rock, but still.

A girl dad through and through. His daughters are the world to him. Extra why he was so pissed and passive aggressive with Jimmy after Anya told him what he did to her.

Had a punk 'phase' during his teens. Still punk in beliefs, just not apparencies.

He's one of those old Brexit geezer types.

He and Curly keep betting on football (soccer) whenever not on hauls. Spoiler; Curly keeps losing.

His family and Curly's are actually surprisingly close. Whenever their respective family members are off on hauls during the holidays the two families spend them together.

I like to imagine his wife's name is Ophelia. I can't explain why, I just feel like she has some ethereal real pretty name.

His wife and Curly's moms have girls nights every week. Eventually Anya got roped into them when the ladies learned of her (to Curly's dismay).

He won't admit it, but he acted like a dad even before Daisuke joined the crew. He found himself often looking out for Curly when he thought the younger wasn't taking care of himself.

He has hand made bracelets from all his kids in his dorm. He hides them to keep up the tough guy act.

Jimmy: (cw; mentions of obsession, codependency and referenced suicide)

He thought he was bisexual, but it actually is just a really bad obsession with Curly. Otherwise I chose not to think about his sexuality.

He is the same age as Curly, 37, but maybe a few months younger than him (which is another thing he holds against Curly for some reason).

He joined the Tuplar crew a few years before Anya did, but wasn't promoted to co-pilot until the year Anya joined the crew.

He unironically uses Reddit and 4chan

One of his only hobbies includes doxing kids online.

He is like, the worst kind of brony you could have the misfortune of meeting.

He is an orphan and has been since his pre-teen years. It's what left him with nothing and did horrible things to his mental perception of his life.

He met Curly when they were both about high school age. He instantly became attached to him and would get extremely jealous when Curly would seem to have any other friends beside him.

Because of this he became very manipulative to Curly, constantly playing the victim card and then acting like Curly not believing him meant Curly hated him. This got to Curly pretty bad, and is one of the only reasons they stayed friends for so long.

The only reason he got into weight lifting is because he knew Curly worked out regularly, but it never really entertained him so he barley did it.

He thought he held power over Curly, unbeknownst to him he had actually made himself quite co-dependent on him.

The only reason he started working for Pony Express was because Curly had. He became quite angry though when they were not originally put onto the same crew, and weren't until Curly was promoted to a captain and given his own ship.

This is when he started the "Curly gets whatever he wants and was handed his life" thought, trying to find any way to reason why Curly was promoted so young and fast but he wasn't.

Even with his obsession with Curly, he doesn't spend a lot of time with him outside of hauls. His feelings would filp flop between obsession and disgust towards him. It doesn't help that Curly's family doesn't like him anymore.

He calls Curly 'Grant' because he knows Curly hates it and only ever does it to piss him off and then call him an asshole for getting mad at him, cause they are supposed to be friends, aren't they?

In his mind, if he isn't in some way better than Curly then he is nothing.

It wouldn't be till before he takes his own life that he realizes Curly is his life and has been since they were teens, and that without Curly he felt like he was nothing.

[dewdrops-whammy-bar]

Playing Doctor

@cirrus-ghoulette made this fun post about Aether doing a pelvic exam on someone, which I reblogged with a VERY horny string of tags. Turns out people liked it (got yelled at in rbs) sooooo I was inspired to write this. Enjoy!

Tags: trans Dew, med kink, speculum use, aftercare, vibrators, established kink scene, use of safeword (yellow), checking in, aftercare, pwp

Terms used for Dew's genitals: cunt, pussy, vagina, walls, labia, clit, Tdick, dick, cock

Note: if you want a better idea of the speculum used, it’s a Cusco model. Yes I went down a rabbit hole of speculum research for this kinky gay fanfic.

Aether’s tail flicked idly back and forth as he arranged his tools on the countertop of the exam room. He was taking his time, knowing it would just make Dew more worked up. They had been planning this scene all day, going over boundaries (and more importantly, how to be inconspicuous). Dew had snuck into a rarely-used exam room in the infirmary while Aether distracted Omega, then Aether had slipped away and joined him. It was risky, but it was late at night and the older rooms were basically abandoned anyway.

Aether pulled a pair of latex gloves from the box on the counter and pulled them onto his hand with a sharp snap. He looked over at Dew, who was laid out on the exam table. He was fidgeting with the hem of his hoodie while watching Aether.

“Color?” Aether asked softly.

“Green,” Dew replied. His tail flicked against the paper on the table, giving away his excitement. Aether gave a pleased chuff before he closed his eyes for a moment and let himself step into his role for the scene.

“Could you open your legs for me?” Aether asked in his “nurse voice”- professional, detached, and clinical. He wasn’t sure why Dew got so turned on by it, but he certainly wasn’t complaining.

Dew’s cheeks flushed a darker red and his legs spread. Aether could see his hard and throbbing T-dick peeking out from the bush of soft blonde curls between his legs. 

“What are you having problems with again?” Aether asked, using his gloved thumbs to spread Dew’s labia in a mock exam. The smaller ghoul let out a shaky breath and cleared his throat.

”Um- I’ve been uh… unusually sensitive down there.” Dew replied. “It’s making me… aroused all the time and it’s really hard to focus on anything.” He shifted his hips, his cunt clenching and dripping. Aether placed a hand on his lower belly, gently holding his hips in place.

”Hold still, please.” He told Dew. “I’ll need to perform a full pelvic exam, if you’re comfortable with it.”

”Yes.” Dew blurted quickly. Aether’s lips twitched upward in a brief smirk before settling back into their previous neutrality.

”Alright. I’m going to use my fingers to palpate the inside of your vagina.” The Quintessence ghoul explained. “Deep breath in… and… out.”

Dew made an absolutely sinful noise as Aether inserted two gloved fingers into his cunt. He clenched around his fingers, more slick drooling from around the digits.

”Any discomfort?” Aether asked, curling his fingers upward into Dew’s G-spot. The fire ghoul whimpered and shook his head.

”N-no, just, um, pleasure.” Dew replied shakily. Aether hummed in acknowledgement and pressed his fingers deeper. Dew’s hips bucked.

“Hold still,” Aether said, his hand pressing harder on the smaller ghoul’s belly. “It’s normal to feel pleasure or even orgasm during the exam. Just let me know if anything feels painful or weird, alright?”

“Yeah.” Dew’s voice was breathy. He let out a whine as Aether’s free hand pulled back the hood of his clit. Aether had to stop himself from leaning down and taking it into his mouth.

“Your bottom growth is coming along well,” Aether commented. “You’re a lot bigger than you were at your last exam. How long have you been on hormones again? Three years?”

“Y- yeah.” Dew repeated. Aether glanced up at him, admiring his flushed cheeks and slightly parted lips.

“Is it giving you any discomfort?” Aether asked, rubbing his thumb over Dew’s twitching dick. “Oversensitivity or anything like that?”

“No, not- not before the rest of the o-oversensitivity.” Dew stammered, his breath hitching as Aether’s fingers explored his cunt. Aether hummed in acknowledgement.

“Alright, I’m not feeling anything out of the ordinary right now so I’m going to use the speculum.” Aether slowly slid his fingers out of Dew’s pussy, much to the dismay of his partner (if the needy whimper that escaped his throat was to be interpreted correctly).

Dew watched in anticipation as Aether applied lube to the tool. It was a metal one, rather than the more comfortable plastic speculums that the infirmary currently stocked. Aether knew Dew would like the cold temperature.

“Okay, relax for me.” Aether requested, positioning the tool at Dew’s entrance. Dew let out a surprised squeak as he felt the cold metal on him.

“Legs wider,” Aether told him, tapping the insides of his thighs. Dew obliged.

Aether’s thumb rubbed tiny circles at the base of Dew’s cock as he inserted the tool. Dew clapped a hand over his mouth to muffle the wanton cry that escaped his lips. Aether pressed his hand to the smaller ghoul’s stomach again to prevent his hips from bucking.

“Oh Lucifer…” Dew breathed. His thighs clamped around Aether’s broad shoulders. Aether took a few moments to sit back and admire the view.

Dew’s cunt pulsed and clenched around the tool. Aether watched in satisfaction as another glob of milky slick oozed onto the paper on the exam table, joining the already impressive puddle there. Dew’s water traits were few, but one of the remaining ones was how wet he got. Not enough to rival Rain, but definitely enough to require a towel to be put down on the bed before sex.

“Color?” Aether asked softly.

“Green,” Dew replied immediately.

 “I’m gonna open it now, alright?” Aether asked. Dew nodded and let his head fall back on the crinkly paper of the exam table. Aether squeezed the handles of the speculum, slowly spreading Dew open. His inner walls were soaked, strands of gooey slick stringing between the jaws of the tool.

“Looks good so far,” Aether remarked. He pulled a penlight out of the breast pocket of his scrubs and clicked it on, shining it inside Dew’s spread-open cunt. “Nice healthy cervix…” He scooted his chair closer and used one finger to gently stroke Dew’s inner walls. He let out an amused hum as Dew clenched in response, a broken whine being quickly muffled by his hand.

“Try to relax.” Aether murmured. His finger lightly explored Dew’s exposed flesh, drawing whimpers out of his “patient”. Now that he was opened up, slick pooled in the curved bottom jaw of the speculum. He dragged his finger through the pool and smeared it on Dew’s dick, making him twitch. He resisted the urge to lick it off, to bury his nose in the soft curls framing Dew’s cock and suck on it until the smaller man was incoherent. He shook his head slightly to clear his thoughts. That wasn’t part of the scene, it could wait for another time.

“Mhm.” Dew hummed. His tight clenching slowed, though he still fluttered beautifully at every touch.

“Hmmm… I’ll try a different angle” Aether mused. He slowly rotated the speculum, now exposing the top and bottom walls of Dew’s cunt. He ran his finger along his bottom wall first, from up near his cervix down to his taint.

“How does that feel?” Aether asked. He bit back a love or a darling. It was tough to not praise Dew, to tell him how pretty he looked and how good he’d make him feel.

“Good.” Dew breathed. “Really good.”

Aether’s lips twitched in a smirk. He moved his finger to the top wall of Dew’s cunt and slowly dragged his finger toward himself, searching for the spot that would make Dew unravel at the seams.

There. The soft, spongy spot just behind his pubic bone. Aether applied pressure to the spot and Dew keened.

“Ah.” Aether chuckled. “There we are.” He rubbed tiny circles against the spot, drawing lewd noises out of Dew. His finger withdrew after a moment and Dew panted, his eyes dazed and unfocused. 

Aether reached into the breast pocket of his shirt again and pulled out a small bullet vibrator.

“I’ll test your sensitivity now, alright?” Aether told Dew. The smaller ghoul nodded, hands gripping the side of the exam table.

Aether clicked the button on the end of the vibrator and it buzzed to life on its lowest setting. Using his penlight to guide him, he slid the tip of the toy against Dew’s upper wall until it pressed perfectly against that perfect little bundle of nerves.

Dew’s hand flew to his mouth again, this time shoving his fingers inside to muffle his noises. Aether clicked the button again, the vibrations increasing in intensity. He pressed his hand against Dew’s stomach to stop his hips from bucking. Dew’s tail lashed and reached out to curl around Aether’s arm.

“Sensitivity is high.” Aether muttered to himself. He was having trouble holding onto the little toy from all the slick on his fingers and as he readjusted his grip, the angle of the tip changed slightly. Dew let out a muffled cry, biting down on his fingers. His cunt clenched hard around the speculum and then he was gone.

 Aether watched with satisfaction (and a little amazement) as Dew’s pussy spasmed and pulsed. It was a totally new and not unpleasant experience to watch his orgasm from the inside, his muscles clenching and releasing, slick drooling onto the table below him. He was transfixed.

“Y-yellow- '' Dew panted, snapping Aether back to reality. He pulled the vibrator away and looked up at Dew with concern.

“You alright?” Aether asked. Dew nodded, a dazed look on his face.

“Mhm, mostly. I- I wanna end the scene.” Dew replied. Aether nodded and gently closed the speculum, then slid it out of Dew. He kissed the inside of his thigh and set the tool aside before rolling his chair over to Dew’s side.

“How you feeling?” Aether asked, brushing some of his partner’s hair out of his face.

“Fuzzy brain.” Dew mumbled. “I liked that.”

“That’s good. Scale of 1-10, how fuzzy are you?” He always asked this question during aftercare to gauge the level of care Dew would need.

“Mmm… Four.” Dew mumbled. “Want cuddles.” He reached out for Aether and grabbed his hand.

“Can you wait a bit, firefly?” Aether asked. “I gotta clean up the room, but then we can cuddle all night long.”

Dew sighed and nodded. “Okay… that’s fair. Can I have the blanket?”

Aether retrieved the blanket he’d brought from the chair in the corner and draped it over Dew. “I’m gonna clean you up a bit down there, is that okay?”

“Mhm.” Dew nodded. Aether could hear him start to purr as he buried his face in the fuzzy blanket. Using a soft towel and some warm water from the sink, he wiped away most of the mess Dew had made of himself with a gentle hand. Then he helped Dew into clean underwear and sweatpants, his partner purring the whole time.

Fifteen minutes later, the exam room was spotless and Dew was still purring in his blanket cocoon. Aether scooped the smaller ghoul up effortlessly and nestled him against his chest.

“Mmmm…” Dew hummed, burying his face in Aether’s chest. “You’re so strong.”

“You’re not that heavy.” Aether chuckled, using his knee to turn the door handle and turning off the lights with his elbow. His voice dropped to a whisper once they were in the hallway. “I could carry two of you, no problem.”

“Suuure.” Dew’s whisper was as sarcastic as ever, but he shut up as Aether carried him through the back hallways of the infirmary and out a side door. He was fast asleep in Aether’s arms even before they got back to the den.

[bullet-prooflove]

Hello, may I please request Jeff Clarke from chicago fire. With the prompt 34. There’s no chance in hell?

Tagging: @kmc1989  @witches-unruly-heart  @telepathay    @iworldlywriter @caffeinatedwoman @winchesterszvonecek @whateversomethingbruh @burningpeachpuppy @upsteadlogic @skyesthebomb @neapolitantoebeans @olymosity @stxrryswvrld @courtney-elizabeth93

The scent of smoke still clings to Jeff’s skin as he sits in a treatment bay in Chicago Med waiting for you. There’s ash smeared across his cheeks, his uniform clings to his form, sticky with perspiration. He looks like hell. He knows he does.

That last fire it had been bad one. He almost hadn’t made it out. When that beam came down he thought he was a goner and all he could think about was the things he hadn’t done. That’s why he’s here right now because he can’t go another second without showing you how he feels.

You’re smiling when you step into the treatment room, it’s a rare, beautiful thing and it lights up Jeff’s entire world.

"What can I do for you Lieutenant?" You ask him, pulling on a pair of latex gloves and his voice just dies because now that he’s here, he’s realising there isn’t a chance in hell a girl like you can fall for a guy like him.

"I seem to be suffering from an accelerated heart rate." He finds himself telling you.

He isn’t lying, everytime he looks at you he feels this way. Somehow you’re both enticing and terrifying all at the same time.

"Hm." You make the noise low in your throat, removing the  stereoscope from around your neck before you place it on his chest. He can feel the press of the cool disk through the fabric of his t-shirt, you lean in close and the scent of jasmine floods his senses. His body tightens in response to your proximity and he can’t help but wonder if you’d taste the same under his lips.

"Your heart rate’s is pretty fast.” You say quietly, your eyebrows furrowing in concern. "Were there any symptoms before this?"

"I've felt it coming on for a while." he admits, trying to clear his throat against the huskiness he could hear lacing in his voice.

"Any dizzy spells?" You ask him, removing the stethoscope. "Headaches?"

"No." Jeff says gruffly before raising to his feet. “Noelle…”

You’ve forgotten how tall he is, how well his stature fits with his broad shoulders and toned thighs. You tilt your hand up to meet his gaze and he sighs as he looks down at you. His large hands encompass your features, his calloused thumbs sweeping over your cheeks. His lips brush over yours and the moment they do you’re lost.

There’s a softness in his kiss, a tenderness you don’t expect. Your palms come to rest on his chest and you can feel the firmness of the muscle underneath your fingertips.

It’s the crackle of his radio that interrupts you. Jeff draws away unwillingly, his forehead coming to rest upon yours as his thumb traces over the line of your jaw.

“I need to…”

“Go.” You whisper against his lips, before you give him a gentle push. “I’ll catch up with you at Molly’s later tonight.”

Love Jeff? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

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Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[kiddbegins]

Ooooooooooh please do a character study on Will Halstead please 🙏🏼

Will Halstead is a lot of things. He’s arrogant. Loyal. Hot-headed. But he’s also so filled with love and other things that make him so interesting. I’m gonna try and keep this as organized as possible but I will apologize now if things get jumbled.

Personal / Early Life:

Will is an older brother. That is the canon that both his actor (Nick Gehlfuss) and Jay’s actor (Jesse Lee Soffer) have agreed on and it’s the one I also agree on. It makes sense for it to be this way, and this isn’t just me pushing the oldest child label onto him in a self-satisfying way. 

He’s a doctor. Sure he isn’t because it was forced on him but him taking on the role of caretaker for others fits the mold for what the eldest child deals with. We see him standing up for others, Maggie of course comes to mind first, but she’s not the only one. Natalie, Jay, etc. Anybody he cares about comes out and ends up being a person under his wing.

Let’s get to his childhood life. We canonically know so little about the Halsteads lives which honestly sucks and is crazy since we met Jay back in 2012? 2013? Whichever and then Will in 2015. Jesse (Jay) left in 2022 and Nick (Will) left in 2023. That’s roughly ten years of the Halsteads and this is what we know about their parents:

Their mom died

Their dad’s name is Patrick and he valued blue collar work over what both his sons did

Their mom said whoever found the right girl first got her ring

That’s it. Patrick Halstead was killed off before we could really get a look into what their relationship was like to the full extent. We know Will and his dad had a better relationship than Jay but still. That isn’t much.

One thing that really irks me is that we never even got a name for their mother. All the talk about her ring, the mentions of how her dying of cancer affected the boys and yet we never even get to put a name or face to the woman. Hell, we don’t even know what type of cancer killed her.

As we get a little older in Will’s life, we know he was bullied but that never seemed to have affected him. He was still so outgoing and willing to put his piece in regardless of what the stakes are. 

A few years further in and he’s in college. That’s when his mom gets sick. Jay comes home to help out, Will doesn’t. We never really get an explanation about that either. Was he too wrapped up in school? Was he really too busy partying and drinking like Jay said that one time? We. Don’t. Know. And I hate it.

Because that is not the Will Halstead we know. The Will we knew would have been by his mother’s side as long as he could be. The only way he wouldn’t would be if he was out there trying to find a cure to her sickness. 

We know he’s religious as well. That can be assumed to be connected to their mother. Patrick never seemed too religious in our 3-4 brief interactions with him so I can only imagine that it was Mrs. Halstead that got them into the church, made them into altar boys, etc. That it’s her doing that Will has a cross tattoo on his left middle finger and proudly wears a gold chain with (most likely) a religious pendant on it.

Though I still can’t find out / figure out 100% for sure what it is, my belief is that the pendant is a celtic knot for the fact it is an Irish Catholic symbol (also an old pagan symbol so… Will Halstead we are one). Anyway, I know for a fact he still holds ties to his catholicism but I do believe it is probably in the way of honoring and showing love to his late mother type of way rather than how he truly feels.

Pre - One Chicago:

All we really know about the time post college and pre-med is that he did a stint in Sudan before he moved to New York City and he was a plastic surgeon there for 7 years. There he was fired but again, we don’t know why.

Granted, do we need to know why? No. But it gives a small crumb to the cookie that is Will Halstead as an entire person. From the fact he was a surgeon in NYC, I can do my best to assume that in Sudan he was probably a field medic of some sort. Maybe someone that does all the stitching on injuries? But truthfully I don’t know enough about what was going on there at that time (if anything since it is a television show) to make a good guess.

But in NYC, I like to think that he had a nice enough apartment, probably lived smack in the middle of the city with (possible) a partner, maybe had a dog? A cat even if he was working a lot and his partner was too.

Also, I’m saying partner because I am a firm believer and supporter of the bisexual Will Halstead agenda. This man lived in NYC in the early 2000s + he went to college there. Even if he isn’t the entire fruitcake, he is still an ingredient.

Love life:

To jump into that, I fear my man has no game. He’s hot, he can kinda flirt but I feel like he can only do it when he’s already got feelings for you; ie. Natalie. He probably dated one girl in high school maybe since he was bullied, dated a girl for a few months at the beginning of college before having an entire epiphany later that year/the next with a boy that lived in his dorm and they had a (secret) thing that actually lasted pretty long.

After that though, aside from maybe a couple dates (going out for drinks) and hook-ups, I think Will’s next really big relationship was Natalie.

Relationships:

Will is amazing at creating tight and strong friendships, relationships, any connection really. I feel like he’s the type of person to actively try and make himself as warm and welcoming as he possibly can

He’ll give a small and short smile to make sure that a woman passing him on the street doesn’t think he’s horrible, he’ll help a kid reach something on a taller shelf because he’s literally 6’1 so he has height for days. 

And that’s just the baseline because I’m writing this at almost 1am and other ways of helping people and being there for them aren’t coming to my mind.

This is definitely shown in his relationship with maggie specifically. He is always there for her, so much to the extent that he is invited to her family cookouts/parties. He’s there for her and her sister when everything that happens happens.

Obviously this goes without saying but he is so respectful of Maggie’s sister and her being trans which is just refreshing as a whole because on television you don’t always trans representation and sometimes it’s half assed. Sure one chicago could do better in general on their LGBT rep but then letting a main and loved character treat it so normally is just so nice and refreshing to me.

I don’t know what else to really say about Will except that he is just such an emotionally driven man and we don’t see male characters driven by emotions other than rage much and I adore it and him.

Teddy x

does this even count as what you wanted?

[smaller-comfort]

Aephorul does not have a crush on his best friend. That's absolutely not what's happening here. No, really. (Modern AU; college students)

Featuring: Aephorul's Olympic-level mental gymnastics, Resh'an's laundry list of trauma and assorted physical and mental health issues, safe sex, unsafe sex, and general goofiness.

I didn't think I was going to have any notes for this but lol. lmao even. This is me we're talking about.

I wish I had a good explanation or excuse for any of this. I do not.

Every time Aephorul has unsatisfying sex with a woman, he goes out and has unsatisfying sex with a man, and after doing that a few times, he mostly gave up. He'll learn the word 'demisexual' in his 30s, but by then he and Resh'an are married in the state of massachusetts and mostly monogamous.

What even is that title? I have no idea. It's better than the previous working titles, but not by much.

Resh'an's asshole roommate is Abstarak.

Resh'an's cellphone is a beat up flip phone with an antenna that he always forgets to buy more minutes for, which is why he mostly only uses it as a medication reminder.

Resh'an is on some unfortunate combination of stimulants for his adhd and antidepressants/mood stabilizers for his everything else, and is constantly horny and mostly unable to achieve orgasm. Why? Buddy, I wish I knew. He's probably more well-adjusted about it than he should be, but a lot of that is self-defensive avoidance.

Resh'an: His flat affect and terrible taste in movies have bewitched me. I can't not fuck him.

Real talk, though, I am using this AU to kick around a bunch of thoughts about disability, mental illness, and neurodivergence underneath the silliness, and I'm kind of hyperaware of the fact that I might fuck that up very badly.

Aephorul: *listening to Resh'an infodump about telescopes* I want to fuck you so bad it makes me stupid.

"I've offered to suck your dick on at least six separate occasions." "Offering to suck my dick in exchange for my last onion ring does not count. Come on. I thought you were joking." "I would never joke about onion rings!"

Immediately before the story, Nasreen gave Resh'an $40 and threatened him with bodily harm if he didn't ask Aephorul out. He never actually pays her back, but that's fine because she wins the bet with the rest of their study group on when the two of them were finally getting together.

Resh'an is literally the only person in their friend group who thought Aephorul was straight.

Aephorul doesn't actually realize that the other people in their friend group are, in fact, his friends.

There's ~25 years in between this and Life/Work Balance, but I'm probably not going to write any of that. Aephorul does go to med school, and then he nearly dies in a motorcycle accident; the accident completely derails his career trajectory and he never completes his residency.

His mother never stops looking at him like he's a disappointment, but he goes no contact with his family for a long time after the accident. It's fine. (It's not fine.) (He keeps in touch with one of his brothers, but it's a strained relationship.)

Other OCs that I love but won't write much of in this AU: Resh'an lives with his lesbian aunts when he's not at school, since his parents are also extremely terrible. (In Outshine the Sun, they're Solena and Luana. Here, they're a pair of new age hippies who keep chickens.) The more time Aephorul spends with them, the more convinced he is that Aunt Estelle murdered Aunt Anais' husband in the 80s. (He's not wrong! He and Resh'an get into arguments about this until one day Anais overhears them and is like "Of couse she didn't murder him for me. We murdered him together.")

I'm sorry, I'm going to be laughing at the sweaty palms bit forever. It was originally consigned to the scrap pile, but I'm glad I was able to work it back in.

[mariska]

hi friends. mainly making this post on here in case my friends have noticed me absent socially from pretty much all my main interactions social media places cus i have very very little to no social skills/energy and i dont want folks worrying about my inability to talk like at all lately even through text instead of voice.

a few days ago my grandpa passed away after a brief amount of time in hospice care with mainly my moms looking after him in shifts. he was in his 90's so it was somewhat expected but it still happened really quick in the grand scheme of things and i'm not coping well at all with it, especially because i was too scared of visiting him these past couple months for multiple reasons having to do with me being immunocompromised more so than usual on a new hormone med i've been taking, my severe agoraphobia, and to be completely honest, i could not bear to see him in a slow state of death because i knew the image would never leave my head.

we were always really close. he was on my non-biological side of my family (i have 2 moms and was born via known donor father so im only genetically related to one side of my family and they don't live in the US) but he was absolutely autistic (never formally diagnosed but fit all the criteria to a T the same way i did before getting diagnosed, like VERY similarly to me it was almost eerie in a good way), he was there when i first started learning how to swim cheering me on when i was very little visiting him and my (also deceased) grandma with my moms, he sent me custom printed birthday + christmas cards using his own scanned family photos and 90's tower computer (that he originally built on his own originally, he loved building computers especially when i was little and it was like The New Home Tech Thing, only reason my family even had a computer when i was growing up is because he custom built one for us and sent us sheets and sheets of instructions on how it all worked and how to install things and such), he gifted me my first digital art tablet in my tweens/early teens (which if you know me, digital art eventually became my main and preferred visual art medium for drawing/painting and i still use the same brand of usb plug in tablets today that the original gifted one was).

anyways. sorry for rambling it's just been. um. like very hard. trying to. get through the days. i also had an extremely re-traumatizing doctor's appointment the same day he died (my mom who took me did not tell me before the appointment and waited until after which i am genuinely so thankful for theres no way i would have been able to go to that appt if i'd had his death on my mind beforehand) and, thankfully again, the doctor i saw is a very very kind trauma-informed woman who was super patient and understanding with me, and knew the appointment would be traumatizing cus we had discussed why that would be at the previous first appointment i had with her and she did all she could on her end to help make it less stressful and scary for me, but, y'know. still brought back some very intense personal trauma that i've only really started trying to mentally process in the past few years.

so that is. a very abridged explanation as to why i have not been able to reply to most messages on here and texts and discord and such and i'm super super sorry about being so MIA. i just do not have the ability to let everyone know individually why i am disappearing in and out from plans and conversations so i'm hoping most of you will see this post here and that way i maybe won't feel as bad as i do about very much unintentionally ghosting so many of you that i truly care about very much 💔

[turtlesnails]

I don’t want to lose you again

Alex gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his uncle was in a bad accident. Except, Ian Rider died four years ago...

T+, Alex Rider Fandom ( Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz, Alex Rider (TV 2020)), Alex & Yassen, Pre-slash Alex/Yassen

Written for @shehungthemoon prompt for @alexinchainsfest

~7k words, No warnings apply, Light Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, Sickfic,

Preview under the cut:

Alex was already running late to his university class when his cell phone started to ring.

He reached into his pocket intending to turn off the phone's ringer, assuming that the incoming call was from Jack, Sabina or Tom. They were the only people who kept in contact with him regularly. 

It was an unknown number, with a 115 area code, Nottingham if Alex remembered correctly. It was likely a spam call; someone trying to sell him something or waste his time. Ian always said to never answer them, plus if it was really that important whoever was calling could just leave a message. 

And- Alex stole a glance at the time, if he did not get out of here in the next minute he would miss his train. 

There was just something odd nagging at him. Alex pulled the slightly burnt piece of toast out of his mouth and pressed down on the answer button. 

“Hello, May I speak with Alex Rider?” The female voice on the other end of the line spoke. Whoever this unknown number was…well, they knew who he was.

“Who is asking?” 

“I’m Sarah, a nurse at the Queen’s Medical Centre in Nottingham. I am calling for Alex Rider?

“What?” Alex responded rather confused. Why would a nurse from a hospital miles away call him on this dreary weekday morning. Heck, why at all? It’s not like he had an appointment up there. “Uh… This is him.” 

Alex slid himself onto one of the high stools. He did not know anyone in Nottingham. Jack and Sab were both in America, Tom was or should be in his Uni classes. None of them were anywhere near Nottingham. His mind briefly flashed to Ben Daniels. It had been months, almost a year now, since he had spoken to Ben. Ben might have been from Birmingham or Manchester. But if it was Ben…. Alex would have expected Wolf or Crawley to pass the news on to him.  

“Well Alex.  I’m calling regarding your loved one, Ian Rider. And, I wanted to inform you that they have been admitted to our hospital.” 

“What the fuc-“ Alex started to respond before catching himself, “Sorry. I just am really not expecting this. You said my uncle, Ian Rider, is in the hospital?” 

“Yes. I know the news can come as a bit of a shock,” She continued, “He was involved in a serious accident when his motorbike collided with oncoming traffic. He listed your name and phone number to the medical personnel at the scene, before being med flown to Queen’s Medical center. He is currently in the Intensive Burn unit at the hospital. I am calling firstly to inform you of his condition but also because you are listed as Ian’s medical proxy, and legally are able to make decisions on his behalf for treatment.” 

Alex ran a hand through his hair. It was unbelievable. There is no way Ian is still alive? Or was there? It was a closed casket at the funeral. Ian or even Alan Blunt could have faked his death. Four years…

It was a long time. And, if Ian was alive why didn’t he try to make contact with Alex before that? Why would he just abandon him? Especially if he knew Blunt and Jones would take advantage?  Alex felt just a bit angry.

“Alright,” Alex repeated, turning his focus back to the phone call,  “What happened? And what do I have to do?” 

“Firstly, Ian has suffered from second and third degree burns on his right side. The third degree burns extend through the entire thickness of his skin, are more challenging to treat and may require skin grafts.  He also sustained a head injury. We’ve conducted relevant diagnostic tests which showed swelling. Our main concern here is increased pressure on his brain from his skull. But, we need consent in order to do surgery.” 

“My consent, right?” Alex asked 

“Correct. We also want to make sure that you know the procedure, the risks and the benefits, along with answering any questions you might have.” 

“That is the best thing to do, right? That’s what the doctors are recommending?” 

“The sooner we reduce the swelling and pressure on the skull the better.” 

“Alright, yeah do that. I’m definitely not going to make it to my class today…. You said Nottingham?”

“Yes, that is correct.” The nurse responded.

“Good. I’ll be on the next train up.”  With that Alex ended the phone call, and pondered what had just happened. He felt nauseous, like the room was spinning way too fast around him. 

On one hand, Ian could be dead. There was always a chance that there are two Ian Riders with the same birthdays in the UK- maybe the other Ian had a nephew named Alex. Alex was a common enough name. So was Rider.  On the other hand, Ian could be very much alive. Which brought Alex full of emotions. If he was alive why did he wait four years to contact Alex, why was he in Nottingham, and why didn’t anyone tell him? A thought dawned on Alex. Maybe they did not even know Ian was still alive.

(Continue reading on AO3)

[delcat177]

Hiding behind the facade of a man will not make you any less a woman. It won’t heal you of your pain.

There’s nothing wrong with your body. Please stop hating yourself.

Oh boy, there's TONS of stuff wrong with my body. I've got asthma, allergies, the one bad eye, acid reflux like nobody's business (famotidine is good for it, I gotta say), intermittent costochondritis, hypothyroid, at least two enzymatic conditions, and I haven't been to a podiatrist in years so my Achilles' tendonitis is kinda out of control, my left leg is getting to the point where it's weaker than the right, I need a doc on that. Oh, and the BPPV, but that's a nuisance more than anything.

I assume you don't know any of this, because I assume you don't know me, or you would know that I don't have any interest in going out of my way to present masculine, so I can't "hurt my body" with it. I did have a full hysterectomy about a decade back, because from puberty my periods were very heavy, very long, very painful, and pulled the rug out on my OCD/anxiety/depression meds, leaving me incapacitated and weak. After a diagnosis of PMDD with probable endometriosis, long before I identified as trans, I lobbied to have the operation done for quality of life, and when I finally did--I can't begin to describe how much better I am now. I really, honestly can't, you would have to see me in my old bleeding-out days. I'm on estrogen to avoid early menopause, calcium for my bonebs. Following in my cis aunt's footsteps, actually, my maternal line has a lot of jank uterine DNA, and Mom used to talk about how Aunt M was lying in bed after *her* hysterectomy and going "I feel so much better, I feel so much better", and the ensuing health uptick after that. So, like, not gender related, people do get confused about that. No interest in surgeries w/r/t presentation.

That covers the physical section pretty well...uh, like I said, have the anxiety triad, but it's been covered for years as long as I get my meds on time, and I'm strong enough now to make the phone calls to make that happen. That's big for me, I really did have a lot of pain after my mom died, but in the years since, I feel like I've worked through what can be worked through in grief. It still crops up, but it's not paralytic. Same with the agoraphobia, I keep working on it and it keeps getting better. I'm volunteering once a week now, and I know that's small potatoes for most people, but with my energy issues, I'm proud of myself. I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect of having a job again in this market, just because I've been off the horse so long, but I'm certainly putting feelers out there, could use extra funds for when I go see my fiance.

So, I dunno, Doc...what was your name again? You are a doctor, right? Like, my doctor? Because I'm confused why anyone else would need to know this, and, now that I think about it, I'm a little confused because I don't recall hiring anyone for a check-up, but I'm doing okay. You do read the status forms I give you at med checks, right? I know there was an anxiety bump when I started volunteering, and not gonna lie, it's stressful, but I feel a lot more alive for it. More work, more walk, less weed, like we talked about.

Gosh, it really feels nice to talk things out with you. So, schedule out for three months, see what's happening then? I'm inevitably gonna postpone once because I forgot it was due and then potentially come in five minutes late because of that *ungodly* bus stop, but the important thing is we both know that. See you then, thanks so much!

[euriiverse]

Ace and Filo!Reader

I just got this idea rn so excuse me if i dont make any sense so N E WAYS

Lets TALK ABOUT ACE X FILIPINO!READER. I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE BECAUSE IM LITERALLY HYPER RN AND I END UP RAMBLING A LOT IN THESE OCCASIONS

Note: THIS IS PURELY SELF-INDULGENT, IM NOT A WRITER OR ANYTHING I JUST WANNA SHARE MY THOUGHTS AHBDUXHS

Let's say this is set on modern au, you're great friends with the straw hats. You met Ace through Luffy, and Ace being the bright and kind guy he is, you guys end up being surprisingly close!

SO LET'S SAY YOU GUYS FOLLOW EACH OTHER ON EACH OF YOUR SOC MEDS

Imagine all the interactions you guys would have. I would say you do talk loud in your socmeds😭😭

BUT HERE'S THE FUNNY THING,(IVE BEEN ON STAN TWT AND I DO SPEND MOST OF MY TIME ON TWT) APPARENTLY I SAW SOME INTERNATIONAL STANS COMPLAIN ABOUT FILO STANS BECAUSE SOMETIMES WE START OUR RANTS IN ENGLISH THEN WE SUDDENLY MIX IT UP WITH TAGALOG AJJDJD (THIS IS ACTUALLY A LOT FUNNIER IN MY HEAD) SO IMAGINE FILO READER DOING THIS ON THEIR SOC MEDS

Ace finally entering his room after a long day, throwing himself over his bed and opens his phone and the first thing he does is check his twitter. He keeps scrolling until he finds your tweets and it seems like you have been active for the past hour. He read every single one of them and you seem angry

So trying to dig through and find what may have caused it, he finds himself being confused instead because he DOES NOT understand your tweets at all.

He tried, he really tried. Hell not even google translate can decipher what your tweets were about

He got frustrated because there was a whole ass thread of you going off at something, he understood like the first 3 tweets on the thread but then you went full on filipino for the rest of the thread T-T

Lmao let's say you had a bad day and you went to twitter and ranted

It goes like this, "I honestly don't get why people can be such dicks sometimes, putangina kala mo naman kung sino para maka-astang...." and the rest of the thread goes on like that!

ACE TRIED TO READ THE WHOLE THING (his narcolepsy did butt in a few times in between) BUT HE GAVE UP AND TRIED TO REACH OUT TO YOU INSTEAD

You just simply brushed it off with an explanation that you had a frustrating encounter with someone at work.

You might've cussed them out too while you were explaining it to Ace.

I kinda wanna say Ace would find it endearing but tbh he would be frustrated with this habit.

He wants to know the tea! ALL OF IT. But yea language barrier.

But I guess Ace picked up a few phrases from you after seeing you use them often.

I would like to hear Ace say, "Ay gago" or "Pogi"

I know people would usually judge me for watching anime in eng dub but i started one piece watching eng dub and god- ACE'S VOICE IN ENGLISH DUB IS SO HEAVENLY AND SEXY.

So imagine him saying, "mahal" QJJXCKKX

Mahal is the filipino word for, "Love" . Like in english it can be an endearment. Mahal kita - i love you, mahal - love

anyway thats all I have for today hope u enjoyed this as much as i died :>>>

[0and0its0doctor0]

Aaron Hotcher x Fem!Reader

Kind of depressing.

Mentions self-harm and medication

Is fluffy I swear

Only my second work in the fandom.

You felt tears on your cheeks and your chest felt tight but as you heard the front door open and close you quickly wiped your cheeks dry and put a smile on your face. “Hey baby.” You said as Hotch walked into the bedroom. He paused taking a good look at you and it was all you could do to not burst into tears. He dropped his bag by the door and was by your side in 3 quick strides of his long muscular legs. “What’s wrong?” He asked and you shrugged, wrapping your arms around your stomach, closing yourself off more. “Did you take your meds this morning?” He asked unwrapping your arms from your stomach so he could tug you into his chest where you buried your face into his suit coat and shook your head no. “Sweetie, you gotta take your medicine. It will help.” He held your head close, running his fingers through your hair to try to calm you down. He could feel his shirt starting to get wet and he knew you were crying.

He sighed a little and you quickly pulled away from him. “You deal with enough at your job. You shouldn’t have to deal with me too.” You said with a frown wiping your cheeks off. Aaron frowned and reached forward to cradle your face in his hands and wipe your tears away with his thumbs. “I wasn’t sighing because of you. I’m just worried about you. I know you haven’t been doing well lately and I just…I’m worried.” He said looking down at you and you purposely avoided eye contact. You felt guilty, you didn’t want to make him worry. He already had so much to worry about. “I’m sorry.” You said looking down at your feet, he gently placed a finger under your chin and tilted your head up to look at him. “You have nothing to apologize for.” He said with a soft smile. His hands traveled from your chin, to your shoulders where he gave them a gentle squeeze, down your arms to your wrists where he gently grabbed them and brushed his thumbs over the scars and scabs on your pale flesh. 

“Can I see?” He asked and you sighed deeply but nodded. He tugged your sleeves up and bit his lip as he noticed the multiple fresh scabs littering your forearms. He brushed a thumb over each and every one of them then brought your arms up to his face and kissed each one of them. “You knew I was broken when we first met. Why did you still want to end up with someone like me?” You asked, feeling your heart sink into your stomach. Aaron held your hands and walked backwards till he hit the edge of the bed and sat down tugging you into his lap. “Because when we met you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. You were kind and sweet and talented. I saw your damage and knew that it would kind of match my damage and maybe we could fix each other. And let me tell you that you have healed so many of my wounds. I was lost after my ex-wife died and when I lost custody of Jack I was ready to end it. But then I met you and I thought maybe life could be worth living again.” He said honestly and you couldn’t help the soft smile that fell across your face. 

“We will get through this. You will start dancing again and be my beautiful ballerina once more. Things will be okay. I promise. Would I lie to you?” He said and you shook your head. “Never.” You said letting out a relieved sigh. You leaned up in his lap to kiss him lovingly. How did you manage to find someone that fit you like a puzzle piece? He set you on the bed and quickly changed out of his suit and into sweats and a t-shirt and laid back down pulling you close to cuddle into him. You closed your eyes and listened to his heartbeat. Maybe just maybe things were going to be okay. 

[vtforpedro]

long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

[reesdomain]

10 Reasons why I will defend Joel’s choice. Cause I’m bored so why not?

SPOILERS AHEAD!!! IF YOU DIDN’T PLAY THE GAMES BEWARE

1. The vaccine wouldn’t “work” in any sense of the word. I don’t care that Druckmann said it would, which if you ask me is just a convenient plot hole cover. One thing I appreciate about the show, is how they dive into the history of the cordyceps infection/outbreak and just how unique it is. The doctor we see at the beginning whose immediate advice is to bomb the city, shows just how grave the outbreak is period. Especially since no cure or vaccine had been made before. Mind you, this woman had to have at least 25-30 years experience in the field and her opinion obviously held weight.

For something this grave, you would need advanced technology and advanced expertise to even begin to create a “vaccine” for it. The fireflies med team was literally made up of a bunch of amateurs. We come to find out Abby’s father had at best two years of experience that I believe were in undergrad and definitely not a residency. It also needs to be pointed out that general doctors and surgeons do not account for every field in medicine. Specializations exist for a reason. I don’t think there was a single virologist or even neurologist in that room, yet they were attempting brain surgery? The other subjects died most likely because they were being operated on by the equivalent of “Grey’s Anatomy doctors”. Not because they HAD to die.

2. Even if we entertain the thought that they would somehow be able to pull a vaccine from Ellie. How would they “save the world” or “save millions”? I get that in fiction anything is possible. But with the world they created in the tlou 1, it’s just hard to imagine in this context. There’s a matter of manufacturing what would need to be hundreds of thousands of vaccines just to start. Which need significant resources. Then there would be distribution. How will you spread these vaccines around? What about language barriers? Do the fireflies have translators that can travel? Mind you, the fireflies are a terrorist organization. Do we really think they would not try to get a political leg up from this? People try to make them out to have a noble cause, but do they really? Or do they just want to save what’s left in an attempt to have power over what’s left?

3. Ellie’s immunity is pure luck. A mutation that prevented the cordyceps from taking over her. Much in the same way some people are allergic to seafood or nuts but a good chunk of us aren’t. Hell the mutation doesn’t even prevent her from being attacked by the other infected. The only thing it ensures is that she doesn’t become a “zombie” in affect. Which brings me to my next point.

4. What’s the rush? Ellie herself said she had plenty of questions for them. Which we know why they didn’t let the poor girl even get the chance to ask them. But Ellie’s immunity is something that seems more logical to study and get an understanding of before immediately jumping into surgery. What is it about her blood or body chemistry that prevented the infection from overtaking her? Soon as she got there, she was on the table without even the chance to say goodbye. Which once again, reaffirms the fireflies were taking desperate shots in the dark.

5. Informed consent went out the window. People keep saying what Ellie “would” have done or chosen for herself. Even Abby. The thing is we’ll never know. Because they took that choice from her. Marlene shouldn’t have even bothered to tell Joel what would happen. But she was a selfish dirtbag who wanted him to validate her. She knew what they were doing was wrong and I honestly think she knew nothing would come of it. Her pathetic attempt at trying to “reason” with Joel was her way of soothing her own conscience. Also they took Joel’s supplies and walked him out without it and the reward they promised him. They were never going to make good on their word.

6. You have cannibals, child rapists, slavers, and all the likes running around doing whatever they want with no care in the world. Not much world left to save when humans will always manage to be the biggest threat to other humans and forms of life. Regardless of a shared enemy or objective.

7. Abby’s father was a coward and a hypocrite. When posed the question of whether he would do what they did to Abby, he was silent. Now unlike those who don’t value consent, we know that anything other than a definite yes is a no. Abby’s father would have likely took the same course of action as Joel ( albeit not as a good lol) if Abby had been immune. And this is even with Abby giving her hypothetical consent to go ahead with the surgery. That should tell you everything you need to know. If “saving millions” was not so important for the surgeon to sacrifice his own daughter, than it was ridiculous to hold anybody else to the same standard. Also I like how Abby had her opinion on what SHE would do as if that mattered. Funny how taking someone else’s life and loved one was fine until it was her dad. But I try to give Abby credit for her redeeming qualities.

8. The “world” is owed nothing. A lot people don’t like to admit it but it’s the truth. Since the beginning of time earth has moved in cycles. Species come in and go out all the time. Humans are no different though a lot of us have tricked ourselves into believing so. For all we know the cordyceps was just the next step towards a new phase. Notice how in the show they are connected through channels and more receptive of one another. The remaining uninfected humans are most likely just fighting against inevitable change.

9. Joel was not the only person killing to survive. Both in the game and in the show it is bought up almost as if Joel was doing it for thrills or something when that was not the case. Especially in the show. The last episode tried very hard to infantilize Tommy in comparison to Joel. “Tommy was just following Joel.”

I’m sorry, but Tommy “ex war veteran who can’t accept he’s now a communist” Miller is not some little boy who was forced along by his big brother. He was a fully grown man who was fine with killing even before the outbreak and was in his element after. The fact that Maria even tried to pull that out her ass made me disgusted with her a bit. Especially since she too was no stranger to killing. “Those people tried us.” No I think the cute indigenous couple was right. Their group had just threatened what as far as they knew, was just a man and his little girl traveling with being shot to death or mauled by dogs.

10. When it was all said and done, Joel became an even older man and tried to change and become better. He tried to leave the mess of the past behind him and tried to mend things with Ellie. Despite how she treated him, he never stopped loving her and never regretted his decision to save her. Even as he was dying, I’m sure he only thought about his other babygirl being safe. He got an unfair lot and did the best he could it with it. Lord knows other people in that universe fell into deeper, unnecessary forms of depravity that Joel for the most part steered clear of.

[rezcowgirl]

So I'm on the full dose of Wellbutrin now and I've been averaging about 2-5 hours of sleep a night. Very uncool.

La~di~da, psych meds

I've always had issues falling asleep. Even back in elementary school I was always, without exception, the last person asleep at our weekly sleepovers. I've stayed up all night and watched the sunrise waiting for my friends to wake up because I.cannot.sleep. I'd get up to go to the bathroom and deliberately be loud about it in the hopes someone would wake up and keep me company.

I spent a lot of my highschool life on literally (literally literally) zero hours of sleep. When I worked at the bookstore, I'd sometimes hallucinate because if I knew I had to be up at 6, I would not bother sleeping at all and by the time 6 or 9 rolled around I was fully out of my body. On the 9 hour flight to Japan, I did not sleep for a single second despite a generous Benadryl dose and being so, so desperately tired.

It sucks. But at least when the suffering was done, I would eventually sleep for at least 8 hours (and start all over again in a few days).

But Wellburtin is a whole different goddamned beast.

I've been banished to a different bed than Aries because historically, it takes me a few hours but I would eventually sleep. But now I toss and turn and grumble for hours and keep him up. And like, to be fair, if I'm NOT going to sleep why should I be there? I don't even try anymore. I melt into the couch and watch stupid Youtube videos. I refresh Tumblr and visit my 13000+ likes when the nightposting dries up. I start new books. I clean the kitchen. Aries has woken up to me using my Hello Kitty karaoke machine at 2am being like "Hey, so uh, can you try to stfu". It's bad. I will eventually go unconscious usually when the sun starts rising, and then have to go work.

But!!!!! What the actual fuck!? I am not napping. W H A T. I can't. I try, but I've spent the last two weeks awake all day, and for me, that hasn't happened in years.

This can't be normal.

I have a doc appointment on Wednesday and I think I'm going to finally accept the offer for trazodone lmao. I'll probably need another medication review, but I'll do whatever. Please. Just let me sleep more than 4 hours.

What have I done to the Sleep Gods to anger them so.

[fullsunstrawberry]

hey girlllll

okay first- the chap was SO GOODDDDD and i’m so excited for your nct reactions and texts!

also your tattoo with your mom is so cute 🥰🥰 and the designs for your seventeen ones are adorable so i’m sure your nct dream ones will be super cute as well <333

i want to get a tattoo but let’s be so fr i’m so scared of needles 💀 kao (bf) has a bunch of tattoos and they’re so cute but i personally would never - your so brave for thiss

also mother in law apologized thankfully so so more problems there :)

my life has been pretty boring tbhhh i’m living with kao rn but he’s pretty busy with his med school things rn so i barely see him 😢

i really need friends 😭

BUT ITS NOT LIKE I DONT HAVE FRIENDS my two ride or dies (yes we are a trio but we’ve known eachother since 2nd grade and there has been 1 argument that lasted 30 mins 💀) are literally so far away 🥲 missing them 24/7 but we have our weekly group facetime soon so 😋🤞

ugh life has been so boring recently fr i need a hobby asap

i feel like i’ve lost all my interests because i’m high school i would lterally do math for fun and that’s the last thing i need to do rn 😭 like sure i did. volleyball but where in nyc am i going to okay volleyball like be so fr rnnn

WNYWAY HOW ARE YOUUUU????? TELL ME EVERYTHING 😜😜😜😜😜

i have an obsession with these emojis i find them so funny

also my niece/cousin idk but she’s so like… IDKKK- she’s middle school high school age but i feel like i’m just on a whole different planet bc she’s so into everything like i need to keep up frrr

ANYWAY

make sure to drink lots of water and eat lots of good foodss- i love youuu 😜💓💓💓💓❤️❤️❤️‼️‼️‼️

also congrats on your blog growth! you deserve it fr

I got a bunch of nct random texts that I'm gonna post soon 🤪 but I gotta make some enhypen ones too cause my master list is lookin a little biased 😅

ahh thank you! i gotta hurry and get more kpop tattoos because my mom has more than me (she has two bts tattoos and wants a txt one)

i was terrified of needles but i had to get a bunch of blood work done when i was younger, so i’m a pro now 😤😤

if my partner had and tattoos i would color them in with markers if they had black and white ones

life’s been pretty boring for me too that’s actually why i made this account cause i used to have a tumblr way back and post on it but it became too hectic with my schedule…so i deleted it. but now i’m not really doing anything i love how hectic i post!! it gives me something to do and look forward to

i’m also in a friend group of 3 💀 but mine is kinda rocky because the other two always fight and im in the middle sometimes… but i love both of them and one of them might read this 🤪🤪

i still have lunch with them every other day in school but one of them is going to a different school and im gonna make sure we don’t drift apart 😤😤

most of my hobbies involve technology lol…

i like to make random webpages and of course video games, mostly sims or acnh.

But i love scrapbooking and i know a lot of people do it online now but nothing beats cutting up pictures and gluing it to a cute notebook or having a pen pal and decorating my letters

also photocard trading is fun and helps keep me busy

i’m glad the mil apologized because no one wants bad blood in a new marriage!!

i love using emoji’s because i don’t wanna sound boring when i’m writing and i can only use “T^T” so much

SAME! my cousin is younger than me and she makes me feel so old even tho i’m young! but she talks about tiktokers and celebrities i have no clue who they are nd half of the words she says, i’m like what?

tysm!! i’m surprised on how well my blog is doing, I love how many people have reach out to talk to me! It means a lot 😩❣️

don’t skip a meal!! 🥰🫶