#WHICH AGAIN IS INTENTIONAL HE DOESNT WANT YOU TO SEE HIM VULNERABLE AND WEAK HE THINKS ULL LEAVE HIM

[avellanas-nutty-empire]

Imagine being mad at clavis bc he won't let you suck his dick.

He knows he will melt into a puddle the SECOND you start and that is precisely why he can NEVER let you suck his dick ;-; he would get too subby he doesn't want you to see his 'pathetic' side like that. But I'm just imagining knitting or sewing up some sort of clavis shaped plush to hug and spend all your attention on instead of him when ur mad at him like this.

Clavis: babe plz why u mad? Real clavis is right here stop hugging that stupid substitute

Mc: lemmi suck ur dick and I'll get rid of it

BC honestly he made you that clay figure so you wouldent be lonely when he's gone but when he's NOT gone you DONT need it bc the REAL him is RIGHT THERE. He would get SO JEALOUS. But damn the man just WONT let you suck his dick so you have resorted to drastic measures. And he doesn't know what to do about it

[lettersgarden]

How the aot characters would act the day after drunkenly making out with you

FIRST OF ALL HAPPY PRIDE MONTH ❣️🥰

now lets get started

this is like my second post so excuse me if its not really good

Characters that are mentioned: eren, mikasa, armin, sasha, connie, jean, levi, erwin, hange. (I can do a part 2 with other characters if it's requested)

Imagine that one night Connie and Sasha appeared with a couple beer barrels that they had stolen bought for the squad, Levi, Erwin and Hange. A couple hours after their arrival everyone's already drunk, specially you who somewhow has ended up making out (or else) with (character of your choice) outside where no one could see you.

Now this is what I think that would happen the moring after that event and what they would say or not to you

Eren

- Eren doesn't really gaf about anything so if he's not interested in reapeating whatever happened that night he'll act as if nothing happened and definitely not making things weird or uncomfortable between the two of you.

-If he is interested in repeating it (which he probably is)... then that's a different story ;)

- He'd probably try to talk to you as soon as he sees you and if in that case you are not alone he'll still come and tell you in front of whoever you were with "Last night was fun, when do you want to repeat?" if you don't answer at the moment he'll leave and wait for you to talk to him through the day, because he knows you want to repeat it too.

Armin

- I feel like you'd be his first whatever happened that night, so don't expect him to be as confident as Eren.

- Maybe if you approach him and ask him about last night he will talk about it, if not he will avoid that subject because he thinks that you didn't like it or regret it and doesn't want to bother you :(

- If you do talk about it, YOU BETTER ASK HIM HOW HE FEELS because he probably wants to tell you that you were his first (even though you didn't notice because of how good this boy was) and he'll probably ask you if you want to repeat it in decent conditions this time. He's a cutie so you better say yes

Connie

- This dumbass will without a doubt not remember what happened in the party and if you do remind him he'll joke about it and embarrass you, but without any malicious intentions.

- I don't feel like Connie is the type of person that takes this type of hookups seriously (actually I imagine him as a player, he's sweet but a player) so I doubt that he'd talk about it if he remembered what happened.

- But I don't think he'd say no if you asked him if he wants to do it again, just don't expect anything more serious than that.

Jean

- Even if he didn't really like you before that happened he is now crushing on you really hard because the second someone pays a little more attention to him, he falls reaaally hard for them, specially if it's someone as good looking as you are.

- He won't directly want to talk about the party, he doesn't want you to see him as just a hookup but as something else, so he'll try to make you see that he likes you.

- He'll do anything for you to pay attention to him, (but he is not going to look desperate), anytime that you around him he'll compliment you, maybe make small details or give you indirect signs until you get what he's been trying to tell you.

Levi

- This man is certainly going to ignore you. He'll try to act cold around you, making you think that he regrets what happened, but the thing is that he's embarrassed of the fact that you got to see him being vulnerable and got to see another side of him that he sees as a weakness.

- He is NOT ever going to admit that no matter how much you try to tease him, which I wouldn't try because he'll get mad, but you'll realize after some time that something has changed in the way that Levi treats you (once he stops feeling embarrassed) and that's when you'll be sure that it actually meant something to him and that you're in some way special to him.

- He'll start asking about your day, ask you how you're feeling and if you are hurt after he sees you coming from an encounter with a titan or even make you a cup of tea whenever you seem down or like you need some comfort.

Erwin (For this one I'm imagining him as your superior I'm clarifying it so that the hc makes sense)

- He's going to take this matter seriously, so don't be surprised when he calls you to his office, but there's no need to be scared because he'll make whatever it's possible to not hurt your feelings.

- He'll start giving you a lecture on why what the two of you did was wrong and unprofessional, which is going to be really boring, but he's never going to tell you that he regrets it or didn't like it, because that would be a lie.

- Also after he finishes talking I don't think it's going to take you a lot of effort for you to convince him to repeat it anytime (you'll probably have him all over you with just a sentence), although if you do repeat it get ready for another lecture...

Reiner

- Just like Eren once he sees you he'll talk to you about that, no matter if someone is in front of you even if it's Erwin or another of his superiors. But it wont be because he doesnt gaf is just that he's been thinking of you for this whole time and needed to tell you how amazing that was.

- He is going to embarrass you because he is going to tell you every single detail of what you did to him that he can't forget of, like imagine him saying how much he loved when you touched him over there in front of Erwin.

- He probably will shut up once he realizes that what he is saying is a little out of place and apologize at the moment, and you better forgive him because after all, what he said to you was really sweet.

Bertholdt (this one is shorter than the others bc i don't know what to say about this man)

We have two options here:

- The first one is that he is going to ignore you and avoid your presence at all costs and probably not talk to you ever again unless you reassure him that you had fun and regret nothing.

- Or he'll come to you with a bouquet of flowers that he has picked outside and recite you a poem, because this man is UNPREDICTABLE.

A/N below the cut

Pleaaase tell me if there are any grammar or writing mistakes!!

(My first language is spanish not english)

Also I can do a part 2 but about the girls ans Hange if you guys want to !!

[ac3id]

Too Love.

everyone really is whipped for dabi lol i mean cant blame him who doesnt want to fk this burnt homeless man. 👁👄👁

yandere! dabi x reader

warnings: suggestive themes, captivity 

word count: 964

navigation

part 2: a or b

Days were looking up for the league, from staring as just another terrorist organization that the heroes deemed ‘were going to be easy to handle’ to being feared by heroes and citizens alike. Missions were successful, they ruled the undergrounds and soon they would conquer the land above. As days went by the original members of the league gained popularity, people feared them, despised them but they couldn’t have done anything against them. The people were weak and as the rule of heroes slowly shattered, everyone became vulnerable to these beasts.

That being said, Dabi believed that in this rotten world no one was ever going to show him an ounce of affection, but when you held his hand gently and cast your spell to heal his broken wrist- his cold heart fluttered. Maybe you were just doing your job, maybe you were just this gentle with everyone who came here. There might have not been any underlying intentions to you soft displays of affections but that didn’t change a thing for him. He had fallen head over heels for you. 

To him, you were an enigma. 

On the first day, he had brought you home- you had a mental breakdown. You were scared, you hid in the closet until Dabi found and pulled you outside. 

Your quirk was rare and very effective. You had saved countless lives in the past and he had his eyes on you.

 You were terrified. 

Dabi had found you hiding in the closet, knees pressed to your chest. He had pulled you up from your hair and laughed at your face for being so pathetic, he told you about how you were going to be his personal caretaker and how he could do anything he wanted to you. You were terrified at first you want to ever get associated with a man like him but slowly it took a toll on you, you started listening to his wishes, healing his wounds like he had asked you too. Sometimes he tried to take the conversation further prying on your personal life in an attempt to get you to open up to him. But, you kept to yourself. Always. 

Slowly, Dabi got irritated by your antics. His patience grew thinner it didn’t take a lot for you to tip him off and he would explode, you grew scared of him. You avoided him, didn’t look him in the eye. 

All of this, lead to your doom. 

“Y/N?” Dabi called out, he had returned from an exhausting day at work and all he needed was to be with you.

“Hi,” you say nervously tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. He walks up to you, “How are you, baby” he searched for your eyes, and the moment the turquoise blue orbs locked with your [e/c] ones you looked away, staring at the ground instead. His stare was too intense for you. 

Dabi internally rolled his eyes as you avoided looking at him, his tongue poked his cheek as you answered him. “I’m- I want to go home-” Dabi groaned, he roughly grabbed your face and arched it upwards. He was so much taller than you, your neck hurt the ache grew stronger but you couldn’t get yourself free from his hold.  His fingers squished your cheeks and brows knit together as he looked down at you. His turquoise eyes grew darker, rage, and arousal pooled them. You felt heat rise to your cheeks as he leaned in closer to you, his nose brushing against yours.   

“How many times,” Dabi pushed your back against the wall, cornering you as harsh words left his mouth, “do I have to tell you? Don’t care about those losers. I am all that you need.” his hand left your jaw and settled on your collarbone stroking your skin. “Such soft skin, Y/N,” he called out again. Your mouth was agape and your body felt hot. “I want you, do you want me?” 

His thumb rested on your bottom lip and you looked for words to respond with.

You cannot believe what you were hearing, Dabi wants you? You never would have thought something like that instead, you thought he hated you. He was always mean to you, bullying you, embarrassing you. Was he serious? 

As his eyes bored into your soul and thumb dipped him your mouth time to time, you started thinking about him. 

He’s not so bad, he’s always been nice to me- maybe I should let him.

Deep down you knew that you should have said no but, you were far gone to care so you peacefully submitted yourself to him.

You nod your head but it isn’t enough to satisfy Dabi. “What was that?” he asks again, this time his thumb strokes your cheeks rubbing soft circles as he stares your delicate form fondly. “y-yes.” You stutter out your answer and see his lips curling upwards engulfing into a mischievous smirk his hand falls from your cheek to your chest, he gropes your tits through your shirt and you squeak, his free hand slips under your chin and tilts your face forward as he leans in his lips connecting yours,your tongue dipping hesitantly into his mouth. He kisses you roughly. You feel yourself getting hotter, you moan into the kiss and notice something hard poking at your thigh. You pull away from the kiss to breathe, panting you look up at Dabi who’s smiling in bliss, “You look so beautiful like this,” his hand which previously groped at your chest slithers down until he’s cupping your crotch. “I can make you look even beautiful.” He whispers in your and softly nibbles on your earlobe. Your breath hitches as he starts rubbing your clothed cunt. You are left breathless as you let him use you, knowing the fire building up inside you could only be extinguished by him.

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[diavolosthots]

SFw for Luci, please👉👈❤️

Yes 👀 I kind of had a feeling hed be first to be requested.

LUCIFER SFW ALPHABET

Argument: Do they argue? How bad does it get?

Listen he isnt going to start an argument with anyone. That's just a waste of his time; however, he will finish one if you start with him. Dont think that just because he's quiet and calculated, that he won't squish your feelings like a bug beneath his shiny black shoes. 

Babies: fur baby, scaly baby, or no baby?

Preferably no baby because thats a lot of responsibility and he already hated dealing with Levi's Henry 1.0. However, if his s/o does beg ask him for a pet, he can be convinced with a LOT of loving ;) 

Cocktails: are they extroverted? Introverted? Both? With their s/o? 

Hes more introverted and that doesnt change with a s/o. He does become more… relaxed if you will, especially around his s/o. His s/o is definitely the calm factor in his life and can get him to drop his guard every once in a while. 

Dance: would they encourage their s/o to become "sinful" so they could stay in hell/the devildom? How would they take it if they did?

One thing that he appreciates about his s/o is that they have their own mind and make their own decisions. They don't need to be babied and have to hold his hand all the time. So, ultimately, hes not going to encourage them to indulge in sinful behaviors so they could stay with him BUT hes sure as hell to show them how good they are together and what a beautiful match they are. Afterall, what's wrong with dancing with the devil a bit longer?

Exit: Do they like to travel? Where would they want to go? 

If he had time, he would travel way more often. His heart actually aches to get away from the Devildom a lot of days and he misses the true freedom he experienced as an angel. He likes countries with history like England and Hungary, so he'd definitely like to take his s/o there one day. 

Food: what's their favorite date with their s/o?

His favorite dates are the dates where he can go all out with his s/o and treat them exceptionally well. Ever the gentleman, he makes sure to treat his s/o like the King/Queen they are, and takes them out to quite the extravagant places. 

Grease: what's something special they made for their s/o? 

He made them a necklace with a black Onyx in the middle in the shape of a heart. He also put one of his feathers in the Onyx and with a little bit of magic, made it so he could sense their distress and rush to their rescue if the need ever arises. But most importantly, the necklace just represents their relationship; even though he's cold and full of pride, his s/o decided to love him regardless. 

Honesty: would they ever hide something from their s/o? 

He actually hides a lot. Whether that be his true feelings, or his true intentions; things about the Devildom theyre not supposed to know, or even just that he already knows everything about them. It takes some time for him to be completely honest

Independence: what type of lover are they? Clingy or carefree? 

On the outside, he seems carefree and like he does not really care what his s/o does. But in reality, he keeps them on a tight least. This ties back to his need of having control over everything, including his relationship(s).

Jealous: are they a jealous person?

Oh yes but he's too prideful to admit that some low life demon (or human) evoked these feelings inside of him. Gets rid of them without leaving a trace. 

Kindness: how far would they go for their s/o? Ride or die kind of thing?

That depends on how far they are into the relationship. Even with these feelings of adoration and affection toward his s/o it takes him a while to actually lay his heart down for them. The longer and steadier the relationship, the stronger the need to give them and do anything for them. 

Love: what's their love type? 

Quality time and touch. Hes a very busy man so any free time he has, he wants to spend with his s/o so they know they're still very important in his life, but he also likes to just gently take their hand in his or place a hand on their shoulder to reassure his presence beside them.

Mouth: where's their favorite place to kiss?

He loves the back of their neck. Being (most likely) taller than them gives him easy access to one of their most vulnerable spots and not only does he love the reactions he gets out of them, but he just loves the whiff of their shampoo or perfume that hits his nostrils. Its comforting and makes him wrap his arms around them, holding them close. 

No: anything they wouldnt do with or for their s/o? 

Betray Diavolo lol. Or go against himself. He holds a lot of pride in who he is as a person and anything or anyone that wants him to change that, is already losing. Also hes kind of bound to Diavolo and cant betray him for many reasons, as much as he would like to sometimes. 

Odor: what's their favorite scent? On a s/o?

He loves lavender and cedarwood. There is just something calming about nature and he loves those scents on a s/o. Will bury his face into their neck just so he can smell them and ground himself again. Does it a lot, actually. 

PDA: how open are they to PDA 

Eh. Hes not… A super PDA person. Will hold his s/o's hand or let them hold onto his arm but he's not overly in anyones face about it. HOWEVER, if hes provoked, playful, or feels threatened, he's not afraid to squeeze his s/o's ass or place a deep kiss upon their lips. 

Questions: will they be an open book or not? 

Lmao youre funny. Absolutely not. Have fun figuring this man out hes honestly worse than Pandora's box. His feelings? No one knows. His thoughts? Locked away in the depths of Tartarus. 

Reserved: what's something that only his s/o would know about? 

This kind of goes back to him needing a LONG time to feel comfortable sharing anything, but he will talk to his s/o about any worries he has concerning the Devildom and how Diavolo runs it at times (which tends to be a lot) and sometimes, even shares thoughts about his brothers.

Serious: how long until they start to get really serious with their s/o? 

Give it a couple decades, maybe even centuries. Jk. If he chooses someone to be by his side, hes already pretty serious about them. It just takes him forever to show that. 

Type: what's their type in a s/o ? 

Someone confident and someone who knows what they want BUT NOT someone who tries to outdo him. In a sense, he wants, and needs someone who's submissive and whos easy to have a grip over, but not someone who's too easy to manipulate. He likes the free spirited people, but he doesnt like people who step too far out of line. Yeah his perfect lover is complicated. 

Untouched: have they been in a relationship before? How many? 

Lol no. Hes had hookups and people who help him release… Stress and tension, but he doesnt have time for serious relationships. That, however, does NOT mean that he doesnt know how to treat a man/woman right. Its natural to him. Its in his nature. 

Very: what's something they're really good at outside of their hobby? 

He's actually pretty good at making things. Necklaces, watches, picture frames. Its kind of a secret talent for him and not many people know about how handsy he is. 

Weird: what's something odd or weird about them?

This may not be odd to a lot of people, but he actually beats Levi in the "pulling allnighters" record. Levi tends to get tired pretty easily and can stay up for three days tops; however, lucifer has managed a whole week without sleep. Never again though. He was too exhausted. 

Xylophone: their favorite part about you? Physically? Mentally? 

Physically its definitely your back. He likes to run his hands along your spine and feel your shoulder blades move under his hands. Its amazing how, although weak, pretty strong a human's back is. Mentally, it's your confidence. It takes a lot for humans to not be completely afraid of demons, but it takes a lot more to stand up to them and believe that, although youre smaller and weaker, you can still take them on.

Yearning: would they like a family? How many kids? 

I honestly do not see him as a family man; however, he does want to devote his life to his s/o and get married some day, as long as time and Diavolo permit lol. 

Zebra: Do they change throughout their relationship? Are they truly themselves? 

He becomes more open as time goes on so yes he does change. It just takes a long time. He tries to stay true to himself, always, but hes not always true about how he feels and how to express that. 

[dreamyarcana]

A Price to Pay

hey y’all did you want some angst to brighten your day??

basically, I wrote my spin on the scene in Asra’s route (Book XV: The Devil) where you have to make a bargain with The Devil. Around 1800 words minus the dialogue.

All dialogue and characters minus the narrator (which is me) are obviously not mine, they’re intellectual property of The Arcana.

Help!

Faust's tiny voice is weak and vulnerable - it's one filled with fear. Asra and I share a glance, and we rush into the clearing, abandoning all caution we had before. There's a goat with a repulsive aura. It has red eyes and fur as white as snow, exactly like Lucio's. The markings on its forehead are distinct, dangerous looking, even. I recognize this new horror. However, much to my surprise, it bows before us.

Asra positions himself so he's between the goat and me. I can't help by feel a tiny blossom of light bloom in me - even in the worst situations, he was looking out for me. I wanted to cry and kiss him and hold him in my arms. But that wasn't an option right now. Worriedly, he glances back at me.

"Silver that's -" "I know who that is." I try to push whatever fear down my throat and stand up taller. No matter what, The Devil would not get the satisfaction of knowing he scared me half to death. He was one card I avoided or tried to avoid drawing, no matter what. Unlike Death, which looks bad and really isn't, The Devil, looks bad and is bad. He radiates a nefarious feeling. Cruelly, he holds Faust up as she struggles, like he was studying her intently. I clench my fist, furious. Let go! Her cries are so tiny as she struggles. I can't imagine what she's going through or thinking and wish nothing more to rescue her from this monster. A bile of hatred rises in my throat and I can feel myself glaring even more at the smug goat in the center. "Faust. Is that her name? How whimsical." The Devil's voice is not the gravelly, terrifying one I'd imagine. It had a handsome quality to it as if it was seductive and alluring me to fantasy of my dreams. I shake my head at myself and Asra gives me a worried expression before his attention snaps back to The Devil. "Asra and Silver ... welcome. First, I must apologize for the misbehavior of my underling." ...Great, we're starting out with bullshit. Glad to see this was going to go well with honesty and integrity. I curl my lip in disgust while Asra bristles indignantly beside me. His eyes are narrowed into dangerous slits, like a mother tiger protecting her cubs from the dangerous predator. "...your underling. Are you really going to tell me this is someone else's fault?" says Asra. "No need for such hostility. I simply just wished to talk to you. However..." The Devil gestures to Lucio, who slinks back just like Mercedes and Melchoir had when Portia commanded them to stop. "Rather than asking you politely, Lucio decided to kidnap poor Faust and abandon her in this maze. Most uncouth. Fortunately for everyone, no harm has come to her." Like hell no harm has come to her. You've scared her and that's a crime you would pay for by my hands if she wasn't in your ugly ass claws. I cross my arms, and then uncross them so I can take Asra's hand. He needs the comfort. "What do you want?" His voice is a growl as he spits out the unwanted words to the sinful being before us. "I want you and your dear Faust to be reunited, of course. But what is mortal saying? Possession is nine tenths of the law? I /am/ doing you a favor." Are you really? I really don't need be any closer to know than I am now, since I can smell your shit from all the way over here. I frown, making a face like I'm going to disagree and he continues. "Faust would've fared far worse in Lucio's tender care." That's an understatement, not only would Lucio have killed her, he would've likely cut her for Soup de Snake and have been broiling her or something. "I simply ask you for a favor. A trifle, really." A deal with the devil, just as the saying goes. This smells like trouble. Asra clenches my fingers even tighter now, and I try to squeeze back comfortingly. I can see how much this is hurting him and I can't help but want to take away every bit of his pain from him. "Get on with it. Tell me what you want," snarls the magician I love so dearly. I tense. I don't want Asra making any kind of dangerous deals any more. I don't want to see him hurt. He doesn't deserve any of this. "Oh, not with you. We've already dealt you and I." The Devil smiles, his defined mouth curling upwards unpleasantly. What does he mean by that? When Asra bargained half of his heart for my life, did he do it with The Devil? He couldn't have, oh please, no. Asra... I'm panicking as the gears turn in my head, but my thoughts come to a screeching halt as the snow white goat turns to me, the same sinister smile as before continuing to play on his lips. My pulse starts to increase, its drumming becoming erratic as the pounding in my head steadily agitates the rest of me. "No! No, listen to me, Silver," Asra begs, an equal amount of panic in his voice, "The Devil can't out right lie, but that doesnt stop-" Devil instantly draws a claw up to Faust's chin. No one says it, but it's easily understood that he's threatening Faust's life. I take a step forward, automatically reaching out towards the savage I loathe so much in the center. "Manners, Asra. I do detest rudeness." That's a little hypocritical, I want to say, considering you're being by holding Faust's life on the line. That's beyond rude, it's more like villainous and nonredeemable to me, but go off, I guess. "Silver, I propose you that you and I... Take a walk and have a private chat. We will be gone no more than an hour, probably less." ...that doesn't seem to awful, I guess, though I'd rather not be in the company of this terrible fiend. There were worse things, I suppose. Where was the catch though? A walk is a meaningless price to pay for Faust's safety and by extension, life. I brace myself. I am waiting for him to ask me to give up my magic or my life or half my brain or anything. I am waiting for the worst. But, strangely enough, it doesn't come. "After we are done, you will be free to go on your way. In exchange, for your charming time and company... I will immediately reunite your beloved Asra with his snake." Those words caught my interest and my eyes immediately shot to the snake his treacherous clutches. Anything to ensure Faust would return to my dear Asra alive. "Of course, if you agree to my terms, no harm will come to the three of you." That implies if I deny, harm would surely come to someone in the clearing here. All eyes are on me. Asra's are full of tears and I realize I am shaking myself and fight tears back myself. How dare The Devil make him cry! The Devil's ruby eyes gleam, but remain curious yet unreadable. My hands are tied behind my back. What could I say, no? What would that accomplish? Most likely, it would cause harm to Faust. The lavendar snake would be hurt, if not killed for a rash denial from me. However, making any deal with The Devil was dangerous. Anyone with even a smidge of goddamn common sense knew that. The way he worded his offer, it was like he was leaving out a /very/ important detail. Who knows - maybe our little walk had a staged accident. I could plummet to my death or walk into a trap that would kill me instantly. Really, the options were endless. I bit my lip. What would Asra want me to do? Would he pick his familiar over me or the other way around? Either option seemed unbearable, all I really wanted was to have a happy life with Asra, but most definitely not at the expense of his dear familiar. Refusing The Devil would be like sentencing Faust to death. Asra would probably be without the other half of his heart, Faust meant so much to him. He can't even cast spells without her. But what was Asra saying before he was cut off? The Devil couldn't lie but he could what? Trick me? Force me to play his little game? He already had Faust's life to play with. Therefore, we had to get her back, even if was the expense of my soul or even my life, whatever it may be. Secretly, I already knew the answer as soon as The Devil's words left his mouth. "Yes." The word was ragged, tired of this little game he had set up, desperate and exhausted. Asra buried his face in his hands. In response, I shut my eyes, willing myself not to cry here and now. "Reasonable and efficient. I like you, Silver." To be fairly honest, I rank your approval somewhere between shit and cobwebs in terms of preference. But that's just me. I say nothing in response. "So refreshing after the last mortal who dealt with me." "No, Silver, you don't know what the Devil has planned!" Asra looked even more anxious and I swiftly have to swipe away my tears that are gleaming like pearls in my eyes. It was the right choice, though. You know I would do anything to see you happy. I'd give up whatever that was needed for you or for Faust. I could never live with the guilt if Faust was dead. She didn't deserve to be dragged into this. It wasn't fair. Was it ever fair? Certainly not in The Devil's game. "True enough. But it wasnt your decision to make, Asra. Here is your dear Faust." I nearly collapse in relief as he released Faust, who dashes swifter than ever into her master's arms. Came to help. It is easy to detect a note of regret in her voice - she is very sorry, and thinks it was her fault. I shake my head the same time Asra shame his. "I would never abandon you, Faust," he croaks. His eyes flicker to mine and I can't bear to look at him longer. "Nor you, Silver." I'd rather you did though, if it meant the difference between life and death for Faust. Maybe he'd even gain the other half of his heart if I died again. "Most heartwarming. However, Silver and I need to settle the other half of our bargain." His seductive purr is almost amused, but remains detached. I swallow before moving towards The Devil. Like an after thought, I swerve to Asra at an alarming rate, and fall into his arms. He catches me, but I'm still able to catch him off guard with a brief hug and kiss that told him how sorry and scared I am. I pull away, much too quickly, but I know if I held onto him any longer, I could never let go. "Now then, Silver. Your time and company, if you please." The Devil offers me his claw and I take it, squeezing my eyes shut. No pain comes to me, but I know immediately I made the wrong choice. Now it's time to pay the consequences.

[sunnyg-rl]

We are not meant to spend our youth heartbroken. We are meant to spend our youth finding the person who wont try to break our hearts in the first place.

Sometimes you misunderstand someones intentions with you. Sometimes you plan things like the future and what you'll do together, but they only see it as cute play talk. Sometimes you prepare to go lengths with someone just for them to walk away. Sometimes you have to learn to be okay with being you when you thought you were learning to be okay with you and them.

And that sucks. That sucks real bad.

But I am not weak. I am not broken. I am not begging on the floor, anymore. I was. Two weeks ago. But I have been able to find my worth by not looking for it in him. And that doesnt mean I don't miss him. It doesnt mean I dont cry or run circles in my head. It means that even after Im done crying or overthinking I can comfort myself with knowing that I have me.

Its hard. It is so hard to try and get better. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I have to do something for myself or I'll just keep losing people I love. So I am trying everyday to learn to be someone I like and am proud of. Im not even sure who that is yet. But Im trying to find out.

He told me that he had lost feelings before our break up and regardless of how inappropriate his behavior was regarding that, Im glad he didn't lie. I guess I needed that harsh reality to actually keep going. I had only been one week into trying to heal when he left, and at such a vulnerable point, I wanted to, so badly, give up. Say fuck it and self destruct. But that wouldn't help anything. That wouldn't change the situation. So I gathered all of my strength and all of my resolve and all of my energy and I got up and kept fucking going.

I messaged him today and he said he didn't want to hang out yet, even though he said he wanted to be my friend, because he "knows" I dont want to hang out as friends... He is Jon Snow. He knows nothing. One of the best things this entire time since him leaving was that damn party because I got to explore the new dynamic between us. I got to see what being his friend actually means. And it was hard, yeah, but it was good. However, it makes him feel uncomfortable and I do not want to do that to him. So.

But. I am not broken. I am strong. I am not shrinking, I am growing taller. I am not worthless without him. And I know that. I have friends and I have family and I have books and plants and music and bike rides and weekends with my best friend that I am so thankful for and I am amazing. Nothing can take that from me.

I am advancing myself, which is something I didn't do when I was sad... Didnt do with him around. I thought of him as my safety and my protection and my support so I never tried for myself. I think I needed him to shake me back to reality. And it gave me whiplash, but Im back, aren't I?

I don't know. I want to be his friend and talk like we used to just no romantics. I also am so fucking astonished that the man I was in love with could do that to me. I also feel guilty for everything I did to him. But I feel free and new and that is scary because Im starting over from scratch. Im making the me I want to flourish into without anybody else influencing what that means.

Sometimes I am okay. Sometimes I just start crying. Sometimes I am happy and grateful and sometimes I want to do violent things. But I have to figure all of that out, all of me out.

And I know that when I finally do, or at least when I finally get the basics down, Im going to be exactly what I need. And then I'll go out and meet people and hold hands and kiss people and dance to loud music and feel good because I am me, just me, and that is better than okay.

Heart break has torn me apart in the past. And this one hurts the most. But Im handling it better than I ever have. And I know Im not nearly done with the pain of the loss, but I also know to focus on the good things and good times. (Statistically it takes someone 3x the amount of time spent with someone to get over them. So Im not even close to done yet. Which of course has me wondering how long he pretended to love me before he dumped me if he had lost feelings before then. Or maybe I just hurt him that bad that it made him numb.)

Anyway. I turn 20 in 2 weeks. I am taking my drivers test October 8th. I have an interview on Friday in the afternoon. And I have my whole life in front of me, all to my choice and that is exhilarating.

Im going to keep going, even without him, because he did without me, and if even a fraction of his love was real, then I know you can get past the feelings and the pain, because he did.

I cant wait for things to be great again. Right now they're just okay. But I have my whole life to feel great again. And I will.

[saiyanshewolf]

Anyway so I’m apparently in the minority but I loved a lot about TLJ.

1. Rey.

I have never identified with someone so much.

Let me preface this with: Kylo Ren is a manchild with anger issues who throws temper tantrums where people end up dead. He is the EPITOME of “cool motive, still murder.” I am not making excuses for Kylo Ren.

Now:

Kylo Ren is a terrible person who has done terrible things, but Rey still thinks she can save him.

I get that that is exactly why people are pissed: the fact that a female character like Rey spends the movie trying to rescue an unbalanced, hateful man like Kylo Ren. The trope of pure-girl-from-the-archetypal-light-side rescuing the dark-broody-violent-boy-from-the-archetypal-dark-side with her Goodness and Love is a very tired one indeed, and what young girls take from stories like that is that if they are good enough, if they just love them enough, if they put up with enough, the man will change.

In reality, however, that rarely (if ever) happens, and girls are often left feeling like something is wrong - that they’re not doing enough and it’s their fault that the man they’re with isn’t healing.

In TLJ, however, the point is that Rey doesn’t rescue Kylo Ren. She doesn’t save him.

But she tries.

She tries because she is a fundamentally good person. She tries because she does not want to fight when there’s a chance she can make an ally. She tries because she wants to believe the best of people. Most of all she tries because she comes to understand what turned Ben Solo into Kylo Ren.

She tries, and for a short period of time they are allies (their fight scene teamup was gorgeous and I’m not sorry).

Their alliance is short lived, however, and then Kylo Ren asks her to join him. He tells her the truth about her parents and he does it with blunt cruelty (which could come from either a place of manipulation of a place or awkwardness, but it is cruel either way; intentions, the road to hell, etc). He tells her that she is nothing and then immediately tells her that he does not think she is nothing, perhaps the most manipulative line he has (again, intentions, road to hell). In a callback to Anakin and Padme, Kylo Ren begs Rey to stay with him and rule to galaxy. And yes, he does beg. Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley’s acting was lovely in that moment; I really felt how desperately he wanted her to say yes, how deeply they both wanted someone by their sides who understood them.

And yet.

(“You’re breaking my heart. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”)

Padme’s words, not Rey’s, but they’re appropriate nonetheless. Rey cannot and will not follow Kylo Ren. She tried to help him. He failed her - like we all knew he would - but she tried.

What does she do then? What does she do when she realizes that Kylo Ren is refusing to change his ways, that he is, in fact, asking her to join him, to accommodate him?

She leaves.

Do you understand what that would have meant to my dumb, impressionable little 13 year old self?

To see a story where the girl actually leaves when the broken man she’s trying to save refuses her help?

A story where she leaves and doesn’t die shortly afterward (like Padme)? Where she doesn’t languish in misery and self-loathing afterward? Where she leaves him and makes an active effort to oppose him and all he stands for?

My entire life I’ve had a problem with wanting to fix men, to save them, because that’s what I’d been taught was my job. The media I passively consumed had normalized that kind of behavior to the point that I didn’t even begin to think twice about it until I was almost in my mid-twenties. I was made to believe that if I just stuck with them, that if I endured their bullshit and showed them how patient and loving I could be even when they were downright cruel, they would eventually change.

I endured years of shitty treatment, of straight up emotional abuse, and not a goddamn one of them ever changed.

Rey tries. She tries to help Kylo Ren because she’s a good, kind person, because she senses his pain, because she’s empathetic, and sure, maybe because she’s also a little bit naive.

She tries, and he fails her, and Rey leaves.

Rey leaves and finds the rebellion. She leaves and does something to combat the man she was trying so hard to save, because he refused her help.

It seems like a ridiculous thing to be happy about, I know. I understand if people think that the better message would be in Rey refusing to try to help him, period, and that’s certainly a valid point of view. For me personally, however, that would remove the main reason that I identified with Rey to begin with: her empathy, her desire to help others who are suffering, her ability to see the potential for good in others, no matter what.

Rey doesn’t save him. She isn’t killed by him. She isn’t destroyed by not being able to save him. It isn’t presented as some failure on her part that she doesn’t save him.

Little girl me DESPERATELY needed that particular message.

Rey trying to help Kylo Ren and leaving when he ultimately fails her is, for me personally, more powerful than if she had never tried to help him at all.

2. The multiple failures, narrow escapes, and near misses.

Rey isn’t able to break through Kylo Ren to bring Ben Solo back.

The legendary Luke Skywalker, in a moment of weakness, a moment of fear, a moment of humanness, raises his lightsaber against his sleeping nephew...and when he is caught, disaster ensues.

As a result, the Luke Skywalker that Rey finds is not who she expects him to be.

The rebels lose all their bombing fleet and are tracked across space by the First Order, having their ships picked off one by one.

Finn and Rose do not find the hacker they were looking for, and are betrayed by the hacker they do find.

Finn, Rose, and Poe’s plan to remove the tracker and escape the First Order fails.

The First Order picks off the rebels’ transport ships as they try to escape.

The base the rebels escape to is decrepit and they are essentially trapped there waiting to be killed; many more of them are killed as they try to take down the ram.

Almost every single turn of the story seems hopeless. General Leia herself admits to giving up hope.

Until Luke Skywalker gets his shit together long enough to exploit Kylo Ren’s weakness, buying them time to escape...and even then there is the disappointment that it isn’t “really” Luke, that the concentration required saps him so completely that he dies.

Even when the rebels do try to escape, their path is blocked, leaving them vulnerable.

Until Rey appears...and lifts the rocks.

There is very little hope to be had in TLJ, but there is hope. There is always hope, no matter how faint.

That, I think, is a very good and very important message...particularly given the current political climate.

Which brings me to...

3. The way TLJ paints its villains and the way it chose to portray the ultra-rich.

Snoke was a frightening villain. Snoke was an intelligent villain...to a point.

Snoke underestimated Kylo Ren...which ought to make Kylo Ren a more frightening villain, but that isn’t what happens.

Kylo Ren killing Snoke really illustrates the selfishness and self absorption inherent in the dark side, I think. Snoke didn’t believe that Kylo Ren would dare. He does dare, however, and he does kill Snoke. It’s almost too easy...almost anti-climatic.

Snoke was a frightening villain, but he was self absorbed enough not to see his own death coming...thus he is replaced by Kylo Ren, who is really not a frightening villain at all. We have only to look at Hux to see that: he refers to Kylo Ren as Supreme Leader only under the duress of being force-choked, and even after that he is barely able to conceal his irration with Kylo Ren’s petulant demands to fire everything they have on a single man; he even makes a snarky comment to the effect of “Do you think you got him?”

Would anyone speak to Darth Vader like that? (As in original trilogy Vader, prior to the context of the prequels.)

Darth Vader was terrifying. Kylo Ren is not. You’re meant to hate him, but...

A lot of people who are fond of characters like Kylo Ren don’t hate him because they understand why he turned to the dark side. I myself tend to fall into this category with a lot of villains. I don’t defend what these characters have done (cool motive, still murder) but I do believe that understanding the why makes them more interesting characters. I’m not going to get into a debate about “is it okay to like villainous characters” because that’s not something I’m interested in, but this view seems to focus on the fact that Kylo Ren is a fictional character, rather than who that character would be as a real person.

For others, I think that hatred of Kylo Ren as a villain manifests as a really dull, disgusted sort of hatred: he’s angry, volatile, angsty, and violent, a manchild who throws temper tantrums at the slightest provocation. There’s little real fear there, and what fear there is is full of that same disgust, almost as if you’re disgusted that you have to be afraid of such a person.

That being said...what kind of people are running our country right now? Yeah.

I also really enjoyed the scenes on the gambling planet and how all the ultra-rich assholes there were very obviously portrayed as exploitative assholes. There’s not much else for me to say on that point. It was pretty thinly veiled.

TLJ is, I think, a movie about not giving in, no matter what. (“Never tell me the odds.”) Rose and Finn don’t give in even when the First Order literally has their boots on the backs of their necks. Rey doesn’t give in when Luke first refuses her and she doesnt give in to Kylo Ren no matter how much she wants to help him; Luke gives in to his moment of fear, and then later on doesn’t give in to the fear that has been keeping him uninvolved for so long. The rebellion itself never, ever, ever gives in despite incredible, overwhelming losses.

...but all that’s just, like, my opinion, man.

[dent-de-leon]

@wonderfulwaytooweird  ok putting this under a read more caus it got a bit Long sorry ;; 

alright, why i ship sheith, here we go:

This idea of sheith comes from a lot of these small, subtle cues that are pretty blink and you miss it. For instance, that part when keith sees shiro again—the way he holds his face and tenderly turns it a little reads as distinctly romantic to me. There’s this…vulnerability to their interactions we rarely see afforded with anyone else. In the first episode of season 2 you see just how comfortable they are with one another, how shiro lets the whole leader persona slip when its just him and keith. They also have a lot of these quiet little moments in season 2 especially where they check in on each other, and it just comes across as really touching. Also, any time where keith or shiro is looking deeply upset about something and you just see the other one really feeling for them in the background like, that Gets me.

Another thing, there are a bunch of parallels between the two in seasons 1 and 2 that no other characters have. like when shiro tells keith patience yields focus in the first episode and then, at the start of season 2, keith repeats it back to him. When shiro crashes back to earth you get “Good to have you back” “Good to be back”—we get that same exact exchange in reverse when keith and allura come back in The Arc of Taujeer. If you factor in visuals then there’s even more—the way shiro carries keith with his arm over his shoulder in BOM bears a striking resemblance to how keith rescued him in the first episode. They both have that same style change in animation when they first activate their bayards.

Their interactions are mirrored a lot, and there’s also a bunch of symbolism around them. Shiro loses his right arm and it’s replaced by a galra prosthetic; it’s portrayed as both a point of strength and weakness for him. Keith, the right arm of voltron, is also galra. He’s also something shiro temporarily lost during his year of capture, and is both an anchor and weak spot for him. Not to mention this thematic thing where they keep getting torn apart and crashing back together again, like theyre just meant to keep finding each other. 

In a recent podcast, Bex mentions a scene in the last episode where voltron gets blasted and everyone blacks out. She notes that everyone is shown to be by themselves with an exception—in the shot where shiro is down, you can see the red lion in the background. And in the shot of keith, black lion is also visible. Even on the verge of death, they’re still together. Lauren Montgomery confirms she storyboarded this, so it was intentional. And honestly, i feel like the basis of the ship is a lot of little things like these, a lot of subtleties that show how each is a constant for the other. When shiro hugs keith they don’t say anything, but they don’t have to. They’re close in this way that’s just quietly intimate.

And any time shiro is in trouble keith is always right there; whether he’s snapping shiro out of a flashback or charging in to defend him, you know keith really cares. And of course shiro is invested as well, is clearly touched when he realizes keith took his advice to heart—“That really stayed with you, didn’t it?” He also has this immense respect for keith and his abilities, treats him as a leader in his own right. A lot of people will say that shiro looks at keith as being just a cadet or younger brother he needs to look after, but i don’t think thats true at all. 

How he trusts keith with risky missions like chasing down rolo because he’s the most capable pilot, how he trains keith to be his successor—these are all signs that shiro admires keith just as much as keith does him. Not to mention the way Shiro quickly gets over the shock of everything going on in BOM and runs to keith’s aid, immediately ready to fight off everyone at the base to protect him instead of insisting he give up the knife—he didnt have to back his decision to keep the blade, but he did, because he knows it’s important to him. Shiro values keith’s wants and needs. He cares about him.

He also trusts keith’s instincts, let’s him grow into his own person and doesn’t try to control him. When keith decides to go shut down zarkon’s base on his own, there’s this moment when shiro hesitates. Like Kollivan pointed out, it could very well be a suicide mission. Shiro says keith’s name, then stops. There’s this pained look as he closes his eyes, takes a moment to compose himself before he goes Alright, ill cover you. It’s such a small thing, but you can really see how much keith means to him. How he wants keith not to go but, like keith said himself, there’s just no commanding him. So he does the next best thing. He puts his faith in keith and says he’ll cover him. There’s this implicit trust between the two that just speaks volumes.  

And, the part about keith freindzoning shiro. the thing is, shiro is the one who mentions family first. he tells keith “we’re your family” and we get the brother line in response to it. But, shiro said “we.” as in, all the paladins. and we know keith thinks of them all as a family, know that he said “we’re all related” at the end of the olkari episode. (hunk also says all the paladins are brothers, and later allura mentions them all being a family. team voltron is pretty Big on family.) So he could have definitely said, yeah, we’re all a family. But no, he puts all the focus on shiro, and goes “ you‘re   like a brother to me.” That one exchange shows keith thinks of his relationship with shiro as being on a whole other level from the rest of team voltron—all of whom he’s already expressed a platonic, familial kind of love for. 

Yes, he’s known shiro much longer, but i also think whatever happened back at the garrison, he managed to really click with shiro in a way that’s never quite happened before. Without their backstory, it’s kind of hard to tell. But shiro  must  have made one hell of an impression on keith if he ended up being the only one this poor guy opened up to prekerberos. I mean, kollivan tells shiro that keith is   desperate to have him at his side. I don’t typically see This Person “desperately wants to see you” used to describe siblings, that definitely has more of an unrequited love vibe to me. If it was strictly familial, i feel like they would have used a term that implies a More Mutual, healthy relationship rather than having this connotation of the person being in agony over their desire.

Also I realize this is by no means rock solid evidence but, you know how the voltron site has that little quiz for which lion you would pilot, and all the answers correspond to different paladins? For “worst fear” this is the answer we get for keith. Again, not exactly hard evidence, but its something we still see pointed too and implied a lot in cannon, being that keith is definitely someone who feels this need to surpress his feelings:

Again, a lot of cannon is indicative of this. From his willingness to always sacrifice for the mission (like suggesting they leave allura even though he really doesn’t want to) to the way he guards his own emotions (denying that something is wrong time and again when shiro pressures him during his galra phase) keith is someone very reserved, and keeps a lot of his feelings bottled up. That being said, in blade of marmora he thinks the person he’s talking to actually is  shiro. And even if he did feel something other than just familial, i don’t think he’s quite ready to tell him that. tbh, whether the person is shiro or lance or anyone else, i don’t think keith is in a place rn where he’d be comfortable admitting he loved somebody.

In the case of shiro this gets even more messy, because keith is galra and the galra have already tortured and tormented shiro so much. Not to mention that shiro has been his one and only support for years, and he probably doesn’t want to jepordize that by bringing up any complicated feelings that could scare shiro off and ruin his one significant long term relationship. Then there are other factors—right before they get to the base, shiro tries  to talk to him about how obviously anxious he is. Again, keith closes up. And shiro tells him that, whatever’s going on, he needs to stay focused. He has to keep his shit together--for the team, for the universe. 

He doesnt have the luxury of freaking out over being galra, and any other volatile feelings he has he basically reacts to the same. Now isn’t the time for him to be breaking down over his personal feelings for somebody, particularly when keith of all people knows how dangerous it can be to value personal loyalties over the mission. But he does. At the end of season 1, lance tries to tell keith not to split from the group, because it puts the whole rescue and everyone else at risk—which is a pretty good point. But he does. Even though he just said fighting zarkon at his own base is the stupidest thing possible like ten minutes ago, he goes one on one with zarkon because he saw shiro was in trouble and shiro’s lion needed protection. when lance asks what he’s going to do (because he’s right, keith doesn’t have a plan) keith just goes “whatever i can.”

So we know keith is willing to pull risky stunts for shiro’s sake, know that he probably prioritizes shiro more than he should, and that in itself is a risk. Again, we see him choosing shiro above all else in BOM. He tries to let go of shiro, tries to reach for something else—but all shiro has to say is “then you’ve chosen to be alone” and he comes running right back, practically begs him not to go. He’s even able to turn his back on his own father (for the greater good) but ends up chasing after shiro. So i think keith has plenty of reasons to keep any possible feelings secret. It’s Not the time for that and, understandably, someone who’s had as much difficulty forming relationships as keith doesn’t want to be hurt by the possibility of anything romantic.

And, as a bi boy myself, i will say that the whole bringing up “yeah, you’re like a brother/sister to me” can totally be something you latch onto as an out if you’re only just realizing you may have feelings for people of the same gender and you’re worried you’ll freak the other person out, particularly when theyre a close friend. Also, we’re only 22 episodes in and they already made a 78 episode commitment. Any major ship that goes cannon isn’t about to happen within the next episode or two, so i think theres plenty of time to build more on shiro and keith’s relationship to the point where it could be more overtly romantic, but i think the ship already has a pretty solid foundation to grow off of.

Also, side note, but it doesn’t make sense from a writing standpoint to me for keith and shiro to ultimately end on a brotherly kind of relationship. Because i feel like by now there should have been more parallels drawn between keith and pidge—someone who did lose their brother at kerberos—and hey, both shiro and matt are missing now, so maybe we will get that kind of parallel. But i also don’t really see why they’d work the missing brother angle with keith when that’s already pidge’s thing you know? It’s a nitpick, but it’s just something that always kinda seemed weird to me.

Anyway, i am  S O  SORRY this got so sUPER LONG ��; ;  but i hope this kind of answers your question?? I understand why a lot of people see sheith as strictly platonic, and right now everything is really up for interpretation. But for me personally, i always felt like their bond was given more time and attention than anyone else’s, and like there was something Really There.

[dekumidoriyall]

I am a wreck man. I liked it better when I could go home and cry alone. But now "home" is ykws place and he sees me cry and I'm over it.

And if I just leave the place to cry he will also notice bc he pays too much attention which I'm not mad at I guess it's better than him not noticing anything at all which would probably make it worse. Like I know my brain would turn that into "wow he doesn't even notice when you're upset he doesn't care at all" which my ex never noticed and that was exactly the case sometimes. But then again if I actually wanted to fake it I could, but I try not to as much bc that only makes me feel worse. I'd rather not fake it, bc one that's more exhausting, and two, my brain would again try to convince me no one notices bc they don't care. And then I have to tell myself , like yeah no shit jazz you're great at faking it. So I try not to fake it with ykw, I just tone it down a bit and then will lie about it. Which is dumb and I'm glad he called me out on it. And I get he shouldn't have to drag it out of me but also I really do feel my own thoughts are sometimes irrational which is why I double layer my thoughts and have to think about them. And then it sucks when I know I'm being sad or upset for a dumb reason and then he wants to ask me about it and it's like I already know I'm dumb for even thinking this but I don't want him to know how dumb I think i am sometimes. At least how dumb my first thoughts can be sometimes. Bc like I said, I'll tell myself hey that's nonsensical. I am rational believe it or not, it's just the second layer which I thank God I'm self aware enough to at least acknowledge when my own thoughts or feelings are being dumb.

But I have been feeling distant lately and I'm sad about that at a surface level, bc I know my language is quality time and v close after that is physical touch. Like I think QT is 11 and PT is 8, and then it goes words of affirmation at 7 and then acts of service at 4 (which is weird bc I actually think this is how I show it most but I don't receive it the same) and then of course receiving gifts at 0 bc y'all know I don't care jack shit at all for things or gifts or stuff.

And it sucks bc I just live there. It's like we've said. We're just friends. So at not just the surface level but at the second level, I get even more upset with myself for being upset in the first place bc it's like c'mon jazz it doesn't matter, y'all don't owe each other anything. Y'all can talk to whomever. Y'all can do whatever tf y'all want. Y'all aren't together. It doesn't really matter. You know me, I'm no good in the middle or with uncertainty. Uncertainty is my Achilles heel.

But idk he hasn't been as cuddly lately, doesn't do the hand to waist thing almost at all anymore. We had sex (which I know is opposite of physically distant) but I dont even know where that came from but I craved the small stuff so much that I was like I'll take this if this is all I can get. I mean don't get me wrong I thoroughly enjoyed it (although some foreplay would've been extra nice) and would ten ten do again but Physical touch isn't necessarily sex. For me it's the cuddling and the hugs and the orbiting and the almost hand holding and when the hand holding does happen it's nice. So it's not necessarily I'll take what I can get more so that I've been feeling a detachment and it was nice to feel wanted I guess. And i think this is what I like to use the most which is why I'm always like running my hands in his hair and beard and probably annoy him with the lack of physical space. But lately I feel I have to initiate all that or have to refrain completely bc I don't want to annoy him or suffocate him and again we aren't together so I shouldn't even be concerned with any of that. But I actually drafted a post about the sex thing but I couldn't even finish it bc I still am actually surprised by it. Like I honestly would've thought it was a dream if it weren't for me being sore. Like it had been months and wow it felt so great. But I literally have no idea where it came from. Literally a day before the boy and I were talking about a sermon about that. And don't get me wrong, I'd probably do it again, but there isn't a container at all right now. We aren't even dating and I can't justify it. Like of course I care about him and I have, ya know, those extra feelings, but as far as I know with him, I'm just a candidate. The "only candidate" as he put it a week or so ago, but who knows.

Again it comes back down to insecurity and uncertainty. But I put myself in this position. I started thinking about maybe I shouldve moved in with Momo but tbh I'd feel even more isolated and uncertain there so I cut that out thank God bc the enemy was really trying hard with that one.

Idk I guess nothing is really wrong it's just me I guess questioning my role in other people's lives. And I pray that I stop, bc at the end of the day it's just me and god and that relationship that matters.

Yeah I think my alignment is off, like pastor Steven furtick said in his contentment commandments sermon, if you feel like you're in a hurry, you're alignment is off. So I just need to refocus on God. Nothing else matters and I know it's easier said than done or even trying to convince me, but it won't stop me from trying.

Idk, I wish I cared less. About everything and everyone. All caring has ever gotten me is getting hurt.

And I don't want to talk about this which is why I'm writing it out. And if he needs to then I will try my best to talk it out and I don't want to not write on here bc I know he reads it, and I also don't want to refrain any of my feelings either bc this is the only way I can get them out. And sometimes I can't talk and be open about them and this is the next best thing. But I do promise to try. I am trying to be more open with him. And I wrote that thing about not being vulnerable with him and i don't want to go backwards. It was one of my intentions going into this year and I'm not gonna let one night that was bad timing ruin that. And honestly being vulnerable and open and honest with someone is very unlike me bc I am always on guard with people even though it doesn't seem it if you actually know me unless you're AJ or Kel who have gotten to know me under the surface bc even my daddy issues™ are open forum and I don't mind talking about that. But there are under the surface vulnerable feelings I've had on that that only few people know. So while it seems that I am open, I actually am always playing defense. Observing people and knowing more than I let on and feeling more than I let on. Idk I don't know if AJ gets the fact that I keep stuff to myself not bc I necessarily don't trust him, but bc the more people know about you the more they can hurt you. And idk aj knows more than Kel at this point when it comes to things that could potentially be used against me. And that's fucking terrifying.

And then always at the back of my head is this is all temporary. At any point he could get tired of me and I'd have to uproot and move again.

And you know what I have been giving him a lot of backstory lately. In the last month or so, since we had that talk about me being open, and since the first open up during Xmas and even before then when we kinda talked when we hot boxed the closet, I've been more open these past few weeks than I have the entirely of our friendship. And I don't get much back. I don't pry ever. It's not like I don't notice things. I just let him be and if he wants to tell me things then he can. Idk maybe he shows he cares by doing the prying and getting me to talk to him and tbh that's a good call bc if he didn't then I probs would spiral into a whole he doesn't care headspace. So I'm not gonna complain. And I hope he doesn't think that I don't care or notice, I just don't mind that he plays defense. Bc I do that with everyone. Well it's not that I don't mind, it's just i understand. But I notice when he gets heavy, and he won't talk to me about it or open up to me until after and even then he just brushes over it.

I don't know I feel like this post is going in circles but the more I write the more stuff is just coming to the forefront and i actually feel better but im not entirely sure any of this is coherent and also i probably misspoke on some things. But I feel better.

Long story short, I'll keep opening up bc it's something I haven't done so maybe it will be the thing that will help. And it's scary and I can't promise him 100 percent but I can promise to try and give more. I just need him to understand that I keep stuff to myself out of defense.

I'm not upset at him for anything even all the distance I've been feeling, it's just I'm sensitive to any slight change in behaviour, just like he is. He thinks he's the only keen one, and I'll give him props he's good, slightly better than me, I just don't speak on it. It doesn't bother me that he doesnt tell me everything. But my mind does go crazy with assumptions when I do notice any changes.

I just want us both to be light again. I think we've both been a bit heavy. I think we're both stressed about things that have nothing to do with each other but does affect our friendship.

We just both are people who get in our own heads. But we deal with it differently, which is okay. This is all a journey, a learning curve. And honestly it wont get better unless we both communicate better. But when neither of us likes to feel vulnerable or show weakness, it's kinda difficult. Especially me. I'm not gonna speak for him. I have to actively be aware of it. Its only 8 days into the yesr so I don't think I'm necessarily failing at choosing joy or opening up, I think it's the fact that I'm doing that is such a radical shift that I'm kinda grinding the gears within myself. So it's just growing pains.

Sorry for the long ass post I just needed a big mind dump and to turn my thoughts around from where they were bc I actually feel like I kinda made some progress within myself.

Anyway the other night was great, both AJ meeting my family and ya know coming back home. So I fully intend to still post that draft I was writing (I really still am in disbelief) bc it was about both those things. Just maybe when I let it sit for a bit longer. Also I kinda still wanna keep it for myself for a bit. I have a lot of thoughts about it. Good and maybe some, not bad, but just tangents I guess. So soon.

[sisky-bizz]

Match your weakness to a name || Awsten

Cold sweat prickled at the back of Awsten's neck as he carefully shuffled free of Andy, draping the pink blanket back over him before clambering quietly off the bed. His heart raced, his limbs trembling as he stumbled over to lean over the rubbish bin in the corner of the room, throwing up out of shock. 

Images flashed in his mind of the dream, as vivid as he remembered it played out before him. He sank quietly down on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest as he took deep but silent breaths. The last thing he wanted was to wake Andy, after nights of not sleeping well the younger had finally passed out, though Awsten was sure it was pure exhaustion that dragged him into the sleep. After minutes of listening to his heart beating in his ears, Awsten reached for the discarded sheets of crumpled paper by the bed, not bothering to read the messy scrawl as he turned the sheet over, grabbing for the pen that lay abandoned beside. 

Beeping. That high pitch noise that rings in your ears. It always makes me think of hospitals. Doesnt it? Thats all I can hear. A few nights now I've woken to the beep. Beep. Beep. The sound of a heart beat. His heart. Its scary to think that the annoying noise that rings so clearly in a hospital room is a mirror of the life inside of a person. A person you love, i guess, if you're visiting in a hospital. Unless its your own. I don't know which is worse. It sounds real as it bounces around inside of my head. Beep. Beep. Each count thudding inside of my body as I watch, closely, for the rise of his chest that accompanies it. It chills me, to think about it. To see him lying there. To know that those machines are keeping him alive. Though nothing is worse than when the bleeping stops. That's when everything goes cold and I wake up to throw up. Tonight is the first night I have been instantly reassured by the soft breaths of him sleeping beside me.  Sometimes i feel my own heart stop with it, when the dream ends and I can't find him. In an instant I am back there, listening to a man shout my name, feel the crack of my ribs beneath his heavy hands. I don't know if you're meant to remember dying, though Im not sure if I actually died. All I remember is growing cold, slick with sweat yet frozen still as everything faded to black. I've never spoken to him about it, the fear and the regret and the guilt of that night. The guilt that flooded every inch of me when I realized that my own father had resuscitated me with his own hands. Those same hands that saved him too. His actions mirrored some 8 years later on no other than my boyfriend. I cant imagine what flashed in my father's mind, on either occasion. And for that, I will always hold a pang of guilt when I look at the man who raised me from birth, the man who saved me from death. It was fear on his face as I raced into that room, as his hands gripped my shoulders as I screamed and fought against him. The only thing I could think or feel was Andy.  Andy. Andy. Andy. Lying there as I was. I don't think I could describe the flood of emotion through my chest, causing me to sob into my father's embrace. What I remember clearly is the desperation to see him, to hear his breath or a snarky comment that could assure me that Andy was okay. These dreams I dont want to concern him with, I don't want to cause more worry or upset than he is already experiencing. Yet im afraid the worry i feel is growing more and more and slipping into the way that I act. I can"t help but panic when I wake up without him, without knowing where he is. It reminds me that I should never have stayed with Katy that night, I should have gone after my boyfriend and offered comfort. But Katy had cried, and Andy had denied any affection to either of us. I felt vulnerable, and I empathize with her for that. That does not mean that I do not regret my decision not to follow him. I slept soundly through the few hours that he tried to end his life. When Hayley burst into the room my heart stopped. I felt it freeze in my chest before legs were moving, carrying me towards the infirmary. I could feel my heart racing then, as I do now. The vomit threatening to rise, to choke me again. I remember my father's grip as he tugged me away from Andys bedside, as he ordered me to leave. But I couldn't listen, I couldn't move or function. I wonder if I should tell him, sometimes I want nothing more than to give him hell for what he made me feel...

Andy had tried to kill himself, using drugs that I had provided. That guilt floods over me once again, causing my body to become heavy. I can only blame myself. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have been presented the opportunity to overdose. It eats at my mind until im sick. I let him do it. He could have died because of my carelessness. Although I blame myself, part of me also blames Katy. She told me I couldn't have known, that I don't know his history.  But surely she had to have known what this would do to him? To find out that she was pregnant, with his child, and had kept it secret without the intention to tell him? Cruel, that's what it is. It is cruel. I dont blame him for reacting the way that he did. However, There is a part of me that fully understands her motivation to hide this part of her life, the fear that drove her to be secretive. She tried to protect him, and herself. And I can't hate her for that. Since the accident, i have spent almost every hour I was allowed by Andy. I can't bare to pull myself away, to leave this hospital and not know whether he is okay. It scares me, and it is all I can think about until I'm back here. Who in the history of the human race felt comfortable in a mental hospital? Maybe Jodie was right about me being a patient here. Which reminds me, that I am almost certain my twin hates me for this new found love interest. Despite her relationship with Cody. I love my sister, my twin, and I do believe that we are one in the same person. But in my years of being her twin, I haven't ever seen her react the way she did. Holly hurt me, and it sounds almost juvenile to write it. But she did. And as far as I understand it was jealously that caused her to try to rip a chunk from my throat with her teeth. She apologized, but that side of Holly confused and shocked me. I've decided that she needs a muzzle before I kick her ass at Mario Kart.

Then I’ll tell her that Andy is my boyfriend.