#WHAT DO YOU MEAN VANCOUVER GOT A LED SCREEN INSTEAD

[slutforchocorobos]

is it really a miku concert WITHOUT THE HOLOGRAMS

[sarahhvitfeldt]

“Better now.” Charlie Gillespie

A/N: Contains materiel not suitably for a younger audience, do not read if it could make you uncomfortable. 

She couldn’t decide what was worst; being away from him and only seeing him on a screen or being with him while he was at work. She had been away from him for so long while he had been working on his new project, that she barely remembered what he felt like. They had talked almost everyday sure, but she craved him in different ways so as soon as she got the chance to get some time off she had flown off to Vancouver to be with him, what he had forgotten to tell her, probably because he missed her too, was that it was a completely packed week, shoots from dusk till dawn, multiple scenes to run and especially the music scenes felt like having your teeth pulled. She didn’t complain though, she knew how much it meant to him to have landed the role. So she sat patiently in his chair while he did what he did best. However it had been awhile and she felt her mind wander. He’d gotten broader in his time away from her and she couldn’t help but thank the costume department for their choice of clothes. She watched as he played a few chords in between takes, noticing just how perfect his fingers moved up and down the neck of the guitar, the rings being a new habit, one that she hoped he would adopt from his character. And although she missed his long hair she couldn’t help but bite her lip at the thought of running her hands through the new, shorter cut. 

“If it means that you’ll stop drooling I’ll sleep over at Jer’s place tonight and let you guys have some alone time.” She was ripped back to the present like a rubber band being released. She was ready to shoot back that she was in fact not drooling when she noticed how her fingers had been playing with her lip and she sighed in defeat. 

“Sorry Owen.” The blond laughed as he sat down next to her. 

“No worries, I get it, you haven’t seen each other in months and then you fly all the way over here and the dork forgot to tell you how busy of a week it was going to be. Can’t be easy.” She let out a huffed laugh, her bottom lip slowly disappearing between her teeth as her eyes wandered back to where they left off. 

“He’s just so tired when we get home, I feel like I would be selfish to ask for it. Oh god I’m sorry it’s not like you wanna hear about that.” She rubbed her face, trying to tame her mind. Beside her Owen laughed. 

“Nothing I haven’t heard from Charlie himself, so don’t worry about it. But seriously, make a move, you’d be doing everyone a favor.” He gave her a wink and went back to the others, ready for more work. 

The car was unusually quiet on the way home, Charlie’s head resting against the window, one hand tracing small circles on her thigh, unbeknownst to him driving her more and more crazy. She let out a small sigh when they could finally get out of the car and he unlocked the door to his and Owen’s apartment. 

“I’m gonna go rinse off real quick, okay?” he kissed her cheek as he disappeared leaving her alone. A small ding from her phone distracted her thoughts for a moment. 

Borrowing the couch at Jer’s place tonight, have fun! 

She rolled her eyes at Owen’s text, lowkey appreciating her friend’s attempt to give them the opportunity for some time together. Just a few minutes later, she heard the water turn off. Biting her lip she decided to take his advice, she needed to blow off some steam and at the same time she needed to be close to Charlie. 

Walking towards the bathroom she quickly pulled off the hoodie of his that she borrowed that morning. Opening the door slowly she took a deep breath at the sight. Walking in she stripped out of the rest of her clothes and opened the door to the shower, scaring the poor guy. 

“Y/N, wha-” whatever he was about to say died in his throat, instead he swallowed as she took his hand and led him out, careful not to rush him as he was still wet. A small smile played on his lips and she melted at the sight. 

“Is this why Owen’s not sleeping at home tonight? Did the two of you plan this?” He asked, his voice low and his hands placed softly on her hips. She laughed softly as her hands went to his damp hair. 

“He uh,” she allowed herself to take him in for a moment, “got tired of me drooling over you on set.” She shrugged and he laughed loudly. 

“You’re always drooling over me.” He shot back with a wink, but his playful demeaner disappeared the longer they stood, the heat from her body heating up his. He leaned down and planted a sweet kiss on her lips, her hands grabbing his biceps for support. 

“Charlie,” she moaned out as his lips moved down to her neck and jaw. 

“Bedroom, I know, give me a minute.” He continued kissing her neck, one hand traveling further down to her thigh, and suddenly he picked her up, carrying her to the bedroom. As her body finally landed on the soft mattress beneath she let out a soft sigh. Watching him kiss up her legs, her thighs, her stomach, chest, she threw her head back in pure happiness. When his lips reached hers he kissed her softly. 

“How you doin?” He winked causing her to laugh. 

“Better now.” She winked back. 

[whump-a-la-mode]

Villian-Sicle | Part 3

I didn’t expect to continue this beyond part 2, but I’ve come to love these characters. I hope you guys enjoy! Heed the warnings, this one contains a lot of medical stuff.

CW//Superhero whump, villain whumpee, hypothermia, hospital setting, cardiac arrest, blood, dialysis, talk of death, talk of “pulling the plug”

Taglist:

@whatwhumpcomments

@sola-whumping

@professional-idiocy

The machine was too loud.

Talking over it made Leader feel that they were tearing apart their vocal chords. Then again, the stress of the situation wasn’t exactly aiding in that respect-- they could practically feel their tense muscles tightening around their windpipe.

“They’re going to be okay, then?” Their tone was rushed and pressing.

“I don’t want to guarantee anything.” The Head Doctor bit their lip. “Really, I can’t guarantee anything. By all accounts, the patient should already be dead. Human body temperatures shouldn’t be able to get that low...”

“Humans shouldn’t be able to fly, either.” Medic shook their head, gesturing at Leader, who tucked in their wings, not even realizing that they had unfolded. “But here we are.”

“There’s nothing particularly unusual about their physical anatomy, though?” Head Doctor raised an eyebrow.

“Enhanced people have different anatomy by default. Higher heart rate, for one thing.” Medic provided, glancing towards the heart monitor sitting next to the hospital bed. The spikes were shallow, and abnormally close together, but none the less steady.

“Yes.” Head Doctor dipped their head. “Well, then, that would explain how our patient is still breathing.”

“They should remain that way, then, right?” Leader fretted.

“I have high hopes. We’re doing everything we can. It’s up to them, now. If their body temperature can raise before it’s too late.”

The conversation ended on the same worried note as it had began, and the groups’ gazes seemed to unanimously drift downwards, as if they had simply forgot that they were standing over a body halfway between humanity and corpsehood.

Villain’s skin was horribly pale, translucent, even, as if it were on the verge of melting away. The restraints on their wrists and ankles-- Leader had insisted as to their presence-- seemed far too loose around their captive’s thin structure, but they simply couldn’t be tightened any further.

The only patch of Villain’s body that did not lack color was their chest, in which a catheter of at least an inch in diameter had been inserted. The skin around was red with irritation, resisting feebly against the roaring machine drinking blood from the line, only to return it at the same access point.

The whole spectacle was horribly grisly, with tubes filled with scarlet draped over Villain’s chest in a gruesome web. The machine itself, sat off to the side, seemed to whine and groan with every feeble heartbeat its victim managed to make.

Hemodialysis, the doctor had called the process. Manually warming the blood in an attempt to warm the body. Despite its vampiric appearance, somehow, the process was keeping Villain alive.

A chill ran through Leader’s body at the very thought. Villain was a stubborn asshole, one they’d been pursuing doggedly for months. Somehow, regardless of what trap they placed or what situation they were thrown into, Villain made it out.

Now...

The machine was plugged into the wall with a single cord. Just a wire, just some electrons passing through metal. Something that could so easily be severed. A single tug, a clumsily placed foot. The fight would be over. Would it be so wrong? Villain had done such wrong... and they wouldn’t feel a thing. They’d part in an unconscious pool of their own delusion.

Leader bit their tongue.

��━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

“You okay?”

Hero watched the small flame of force flicker between their fingertips, their eyes nearly crossed with focus. They had hardly realized that somehow had spoken to them, and it took several awkwardly long seconds for them to look up.

“Hm?”

“Are you okay? You looked distracted.” Counselor furrowed their brow.

“I think I’m... always distracted.”

“I know. Just... that was a lot, back there. And you looked stressed.”

“Just worried, I guess.”

“About Villain?”

“There’s not much else to be worried about.”

“I’m worrying about you, right now.”

“I think... Villain is the one that we need to worry about, right now.” Hero chewed their cheek. “You were in there, right?”

“For a minute, yeah.”

“Are they okay?”

“Alive. They were alive. But with Medic there-- well, I don’t think there’s a better authority on Enhanced biology on the seven continents. I think it’ll turn out okay.”

Hero chuckled humorlessly.

“That’s another thing I’m worried about.”

“What? Medic?”

“Yeah. Medic kind of. More Leader. Medic is... I mean, I love ‘em, and they’re the biggest hardass out there, but they’re a doctor more than anything else. Hippocratic oath and all that. But Leader...”

“You’re worried because Leader... isn’t a doctor?”

“No, no, it’s not that. Leader just seems so much more worried about the fight, and the mission, and the good of humanity, than, well, than anything that’s right in front of them. I’m just worried that...”

“That Leader’s going to make a bad choice?”

“Something like that.”

“I agree that they can be... a hardass. But they’re not a bad person. I don’t think they’d execute someone. Not like this. Not after everything.”

Hero’s gaze turned to Counselor. They hadn’t expected their friend to come to the base of their concerns with such speed.

Counselor gave a small smile in return.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Head Doctor left the room.

They had made their leave hurriedly, ensuring that they would be back in just a few minutes, to press the Code Blue button if anything happened. Leader had nodded along, hardly processing any of it.

They were focused on the person before them.

Over the last few minutes, by some miracle or curse, Villain’s heart rate had begun to stabilize. Though the beats came just as quickly, they were stronger than they had been. Not quite normal, but on their way.

Medic seemed fixed on the monitor, eyes narrowed as though they watched prey. The screen had more than just a heartrate reading. Alongside that, it showed a series of other graphs-- breathing rate, oxygen levels, among some that Leader was clueless as to the meaning of.

They glanced to the door. It was firmly closed. Certainly, the rest of the hospital would be too busy with the recent break-in to intrude.

“Medic?”

The doctor raised an eyebrow, but continued their fixation on the readings.

“Yes?”

“What would you say is the... the percentage we’re working with here.”

“The percentage?”

“Of survival.”

“Well... I suppose I can’t make an exact predication, but it’s climbing every minute. 80 percent? 85? They’re not completely out of the woods, yet, but their temperature is raising steadily. The dialysis is working.

“80 percent.” Leader hummed. “So... 20 percent chance that they don’t make it?”

“That is how math works, yes.”

“That’s not an insignificant percentage.”

“We’re doing everything we can. As I said, it’s rising, and quickly. If we can get their temperature back up into the 90s, I would say that continued survival is almost guaranteed.”

“Is that so?”

“What’s got you acting so weird, all of a sudden?” Medic finally turned from the screen, glancing to Leader.

Leader gulped.

“Do you remember when we were in Denver?”

“At the telecommunications hub? Yeah.”

“And in Vancouver?”

“Yes?”

“And at the bank, in Phoenix?”

“Leader, I assure you, my memory is fine.”

“No, no, I mean, Villain did all those things, right?”

“They had help.”

“But they led the charge?”

“I suppose so, yes.”

“They’ve hurt a lot of people. Destroyed a lot of places... brought them to the ground. Leveled a city block, once.”

“Seriously, what is this about?”

Leader’s gaze glanced down to the Villain, pale, restrained, with a tube skewering their flesh, then back at Medic.

“No.”

“What?”

“No. No, no, no. I let you restrain them like some kind of beast, which, for your information, is completely against medical protocol. I’m not letting you kill Villain.”

“And why not?”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 

Outside the hospital room, in a pair of plastic chairs, Hero and Counselor sat with far more relaxation between them. They watched passively as Head Doctor left the room, hurrying off to another room.

Hero took a fidget rope from a coat pocket and began twisting it between their hands.

“What do you think they’re going to do with Villain, then?” Counselor’s voice was considerably quieter, as if they were telling a secret. They stared off, down the hallway, instead of meeting Hero’s eyes.

“I just hope they let us have some input in this whole thing.”

“Me too. But... what would you prefer? If you had the choice?”

“I mean...” Hero sighed. “They haven’t been the best person, I think we can all agree on that. They’re dangerous. But I also think that... they’re scared. They’re scared, Counselor, really scared.

If it was up to me, I think we should help them. While in our custody, but, I think they need help. And maybe then, they can help us? I mean, they must know something about Supervillain. It’d be nice to have an informant.

Really, I just want to see them okay again. Even if it does mean that they go back to being an asshole.”

“That’d be nice.”

Hero nodded.

“I think Medic mentioned that, once Villain’s stable, we’re gonna move them back to base. Where we have the special medical equipment, the Enhanced care stuff.”

“Yeah. I think Leader is definently going to want to keep them in custody.”

“If they try to hurt them, though... I’m not gonna let that happen. If we have to keep them prisoner, we can at least be humane about it.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

“I just hope Leader agrees.”

“Me too.”

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“It’d be a waste.”

The answer was too analytical. Leader had expected to be yelled at, to get an earful about morality and ethics and other crap. Not something so simple, so factual.

“What do you mean?” Leader’s tone wasn’t accusing, at least they didn’t intend for it to be. It was far more dumbfounded in nature.

“Everything in this world runs on technology. Those lights, that door, this machine, everything. Everyone has a phone. Every building has a network, of both electricity and information. Villain can patch into all of that. You said it yourself, they leveled a whole city block. What else can they do?”

“What are you... what are you implying?”

“We keep them, and we use them.”

A garbled voice resounded throughout the room. Leader whirled around, half expecting Supervillain to be right behind them, before turning back.

“Was that y-” They began to ask, but didn’t quite get the chance.

“Code Blue! Code Blue!” Medic snapped. “Don’t be useless, press the damn button!”

It took Leader’s confused mind a moment to note the emergency that Medic was responding to-- that of a horrible, electric screech. The heart monitor was no longer showing a steady pulse.

At the sight, Leader’s own heart rate sped up. They nearly tripped over their own feet as they rushed to the blue button on the wall, jabbing it with their finger multiple times in a frenzied panic. Once they were satisfied that they spiraling terror had been registered properly, they returned to Medic’s side.

The doctor had their hands positioned on Villain’s chest, one over the other, slamming downwards repeatedly. In between, Leader could see a sharp rise in the chest-- they were still breathing. But for how much longer?

Dammit, dammit, don’t think like that, it’s someone’s life!

A resounding crash burst through the room as the door was slammed open. They rushed to the bedside, seemingly ready to continue CPR, before Medic raised an arm, preventing them.

“No, no, they’re okay.” Medic panted breathlessly. Leader raised their eyes to the heart monitor-- sure enough, a slow, steady rhythm was returning.

They’d made it.

“Mmm..”

Leader panted for breath, trying in vain to calm their racing heartrate.

“Mmm... whaaa...”

Leader’s shaking gaze shifted to the source of the noises--only to find their eyes locked with the wide ones of Villain.

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Along For The Ride: How it Started

Word Count: 2.4k

October 12th, 2016

"Carse?"

Although Carson was aware someone was talking to her, she didn't respond since she was a little distracted by the direct message she had just received on Instagram.

She was in her seat on the VIA Rail train she and her friend Stephanie were taking from Toronto to Ottawa. It was the first Maple Leafs game of the season, so they were making the commute to watch since it also happened to be Mitchell Marner's, Carson's cousin and Steph's boyfriend's very first NHL game ever.

"Carson?"

"Yeah?" She asked, jumping slightly as she was suddenly brought back to reality.

"I was asking how your class was this morning," Steph chuckled while shaking her head.

"Oh, uh, it was fine," Carson tried to play off her distracted state. "Lexie and I did our law presentation. I think it went alright."

"Law? Aren't you in journalism?"

"Yeah, we took intro law as an elective," she explained before looking down at her phone screen again and biting down on her bottom lip.

Steph observed as she did this and knew well enough that Carson would not mention whatever was happening on her phone unless it was brought up. "What's got you so flustered?"

"Nothing!" Carson insisted but only received a pointed glance in return from the girl sitting across from her. Thanks to Steph's relationship with Mitch and just how close Carson was with her cousin, the two girls formed a great friendship which led to them being able to read each other like books. It tended to be a blessing and a curse. "Ok fine, maybe not nothing."

"Explain, please."

Carson sighed.

"Well, you know Auston, right? Like, Matthews?"

"I've heard of him," Steph teased, knowing that Auston started following Carson on Instagram entirely out of the blue a little over a month prior. "Kidding. Yes, of course, I do. He and Mitch have gotten pretty close since he moved to Toronto."

"Right, 'cause he's not from here, is he?" Carson asked, genuinely curious.

"No, Scottsdale, I think. Why?"

"Uh, no reason," she replied. "It's not that important, I guess. He just messaged me on Instagram, though."

"Did he!? Let me see," Steph gasped before snatching the phone right out of her friend's hand.

Carson watched as Steph effortlessly typed in the passcode and opened Instagram. She was still kind of surprised that she'd gotten a message from Auston at all, but it did make sense.

When the two girls first got on the train, Carson took a selfie of her and Steph in their Maple Leafs gear with a Go Leafs Go hashtag. They were sporting matching Marner jerseys and had received a few compliments from other fans getting on the same train.

The brunette thought nothing of the post she made, so when she received a DM from Auston replying to her story and saying "wish us luck," she was very caught off guard.

"Well, are you going to reply?" Steph asked while handing the phone back.

"I guess," Carson told her and looked back to the screen. "It's just a little weird that he messaged me, don't you think?"

"Not really. People message people on Instagram all the time."

"Yeah, but like, he's this huge hockey prospect, is he not? So why message me, of all people? Let alone follow me in the first place..."

"Ok, I will admit that Mitch and I have hyped you up a bit," Steph said while sinking back into her seat.

"Why?"

"He's new to the city," she explained with a shrug. "When he first got here, he didn't really know anyone other than the guys on the team and some of their girlfriends. So we were telling him about people he'd probably meet eventually, and you were one of them."

"I see," Carson responded and looked back down at the cellphone screen. She typed back a quick response to Auston's message saying "good luck" before tucking the device back into her bag and glancing up at her friend again. "I guess it's not that weird; I have made friends with a few of the guys on the team."

"Yeah, I know. Mitch told me how you ran into Willy and Kappy a couple of weeks ago while you were out."

"Mhmm, what started as a date night with myself ended up being a night of hanging out with those two... Oh, shit, we're like 20 minutes away from the station. Any word from the fam in Ottawa yet?"

"Your aunt texted me saying that she, Paul and Chris were almost there. Is anyone else coming?"

"No, just me," she said. "Dad and Nate are watching from home, but they'll be at the game in Toronto on Saturday. Mya said she'd watch the game as soon as she was done class too. She wasn't sure what channel the game would be on in Vancouver."

"Is it not the same there as it would be here?"

"That's what I said!"

"Fair," Steph replied with a smile. "Anyways, guess we better make sure we have all our things. It's going to be a long night."

And it was a long night... but it was also insanely fun.

The two girls were picked up by Carson's aunt Bonnie, uncle Paul and cousin Chris at the VIA station in Ottawa before going with them to grab something to eat and eventually making way to the Canadian Tire Centre to watch the game against the Senators. They definitely weren't the only Leafs fans in the building, but the Ottawa fans kind of outnumbered them. However, that didn't dampen their mood, and they were more than ready for the game to start.

It was the most surreal feeling for Carson to not only witness her cousin and lifelong best friend skate out onto the ice wearing the jersey of their home team but also just to see that he was finally living out his dream. She couldn't have been more proud and was convinced that she and Steph alone were two of the loudest cheerers in the entire arena as they began yelling along with the crowd.

Not only did she think it was cool seeing Mitch out there, but she also loved seeing all the other players that she'd gotten to know over the past couple of months. Carson quickly spotted Willy and Marty. She then chuckled when Steph sent a zoomed-in Snapchat video of number 17 skating around to his girlfriend, Sydney. However, it didn't take long for Carson's gaze to fall on number 34.

Leading up to the beginning of the season, all Carson heard about how good this Auston Matthews guy was; she would've been lying if she said she wasn't a little excited to see him in action. And boy did he put on a show.

With less than 12 minutes left of the first period, Auston scored the first goal of the game and the first goal of his NHL career. The Leafs fans went wild, as did Carson and her family while they watched the other guys skate up to congratulate their teammate. That was pretty cool to see, but Carson was not prepared for what the rest of the game held.

The Senators pulled ahead by scoring two goals, but that didn't last too long because Auston scored another goal before the period was even over.

"Oh my god," Carson said aloud as everyone went nuts again. "He's really good."

"I know," Steph replied, looking just as shocked as Carson felt. "I mean, Mitch said he was good but... wow."

A couple of minutes into the second period, he scored again, and Carson was speechless. It took her a second to register that this kid had just gotten a hat-trick in his first NHL game, but she was quickly brought back to reality when a ton of ballcaps started flying past her as they were thrown onto the ice. She looked down at where Mitch was on the bench and smiled as she observed him cheering along with his teammates about what had just happened. The energy in the arena was just insane.

After watching her cousin for a few seconds, Carson moved her gaze to the people in her section and saw a couple cheering so loudly a few rows behind them. The woman then started crying and was pulled into the embrace of the man next to her.

"That's Auston's parents," Steph explained, and Carson could basically feel herself melt after witnessing the genuine reaction of two very proud parents, sending Auston's mom a soft smile when they briefly made eye contact before looking back to the ice.

Then, just before the second period ended, he scored a fourth goal, and none of it seemed real anymore.

The Leafs ended up losing 5-4 in overtime, but that still didn't prevent a buzz in the crowd after everything that happened in that game. Once everyone began clearing out of the area, Carson and her family made their way down to the wings, so they could congratulate Mitchell on his first game as a Maple Leaf before eventually having to head back to Toronto.

The five of them knew they'd have to wait for a little bit, seeing as Mitch would have to change out of his equipment and possibly do a post-game interview. Still, soon enough, the NHLer made his way to his family and Carson couldn't help but laugh when she heard her cousin approaching before actually seeing him.

She stood to the side as she let her aunt, uncle and cousin greet their superstar, but as soon as Mitch was done talking with them briefly, he looked in Carson's direction, shaking his head before taking a few short strides and engulfing her in a hug.

"Congratulations! You killed it out there."

"Thanks, Carse," Mitch replied before moving away. "It would've been nice to score a goal, but it still feels amazing regardless. Thanks for being here."

"You know I wouldn't miss it," she told him with a smile. "And it looks like you'll just have to score in Toronto on Saturday to redeem yourself."

"I'll try," he told her with a pointed gaze before moving on to Steph and pulling her into a tight hug next.

Carson watched with a grin as the two lovebirds interacted for a second before going to step away and stand with her family. However, when she went to step back, she came in contact with what felt like a brick wall and completely lost her balance.

"Oh, shit," she muttered as she blindly reached out to grab onto something so she could steady herself, all while bracing herself for impact. However, the impact never came. Instead, a pair of arms wrapped around her waist and was able to prevent her from falling on her ass. With a sigh of relief and embarrassment, she straightened herself out and stood back up straight before finally turning around to look up at the person she had just collided with. "I'm so sorry..."

Before she could say anything else, Carson felt her breath hitch as she realized she was face to face with none other than Auston Matthews.

"It's alright," he told her with a slight smile, giving a look as if to say that he definitely recognized her. "I wasn't watching where I was going either."

"I-." Before she could say anything else, an arm wrapped around her shoulders and Mitch's voice sounded from beside her.

"Auston, I see you've officially met my baby cousin Carson."

"Baby?" Carson scoffed and looked up at her cousin with a mortified expression. "Mitch, you're literally 12 days older than I am."

"Older and wiser."

"I don't think so," she told him before elbowing him in the gut so that he'd take his arm off her.

He groaned and hunched over in pain, making sure to send her a death glare as he tried to recollect himself.

"Uh oh, the twins are at it again," a voice spoke as someone else approached from down the hallway, and Carson looked up to see William Nylander approaching.

"Twins?" Auston asked and looked between Mitch and Carson with an amused expression.

"The more you see them together, the more you'll see how true that statement is," Steph said as she wedged herself between the two cousins to keep them from annoying each other any further. She then looked at Carson and nodded. "We have to get back to the station real soon if we want to catch our train back to Toronto."

"Right," Carson responded. "I'm good to go whenever you are."

"Ok, cool, let's just say our goodbyes, and then we can split on a cab there? Deal?"

"Deal."

The small group that had formed dispersed as new conversations formed, and Steph started saying bye to everyone seeing as Mitch was driving back to Toronto with some teammates, he was going to visit with his family. They were in no hurry to leave. 

Unfortunately, though, Carson had class at noon the next day, and Steph had to return to London for her classes as well, so they really did need to get going.

Before moving to say goodbye to Mitch and the rest of her family, Carson looked back to Auston once more to see him still smiling at her.

"You played a really great game tonight," she complimented and smiled back. "Congrats."

"Thanks," he chuckled. "It's all pretty crazy to let sink in. I definitely think your good luck message helped, though."

"Oh, I'm sure it did."

The two laughed before becoming quiet again. Unsure of what else to say, Carson, glanced at her family and figured she should start making her escape. She looked back to Auston, and surprisingly enough, he was the first to speak up again.

"I, uh, I guess I won't keep you from catching your train back to Toronto," he started and looked away slightly. "It was nice... officially meeting you, Carson."

"Yeah, I should probably get going before Steph comes back over here and starts dragging me out," she replied, causing him to laugh. "It was nice meeting you too, Auston. Congrats again, maybe I'll see you around."

"I'd like that. Get home safe."

"You too, well, to wherever you're going," she mumbled and sent him one last smile before walking away, trying to keep a straight face at the look Steph was giving her as she approached everyone else and said her goodbyes.

What she didn't notice, though, was how Auston watched her for a second as she walked away, intrigued by the entire interaction he just had with her and couldn't help smiling to himself as he shook his head and went his own way.

[terreisa]

Love Down the Line: Chapter 12

The last thing Indie musician Emma Swan needs is a gigantic wrench thrown in the workings of her biggest tour to date weeks before its launch.  When her backing guitarist that caused the problem says she has the perfect solution Emma is skeptical but left with little choice but to accept.  Unfortunately she isn’t really prepared for said solution to be former Rock Star and leading man of Emma’s teenage fantasies, Killian Jones.  With no other options and a month of performing across the country ahead of her Emma just hopes she doesn’t come to regret letting Killian onto her stage and into her life.

Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6, Ch 7, Ch 8, Ch 9, Ch 10, Ch 11, AO3

~*CS*~

 Boston, June 8th

Emma shifted from foot to foot in front of the door marked 520.  It had taken her over a week to get her shit together and make the trip that she’d originally intended to make the morning after her show in Vancouver.  Of course that had been before her phone had blown up with calls and texts about Killian’s video, which had hit a million views before the sun had even risen.  It had also been before the small gaggle of paparazzi had grown to a crowd and forced her to use the same back door to leave the hotel that she’d used to enter it the night before.  Those were the excuses she told herself in the light of day.  She was much more honest with herself at three in the morning when she couldn’t sleep.

In the dead of night it was easy to admit that she was a fucking coward.  Killian had laid his heart bare for the entire world to see, and judge, and all she’d done was call her manager.  Granted she’d had to take a dressing down and listen to a frustrated rant meant for someone else but that was nothing compared to the self flagellation she’d been doing since she’d landed in Portland and driven north instead of heading south.  To add an extra layer to her guilt she watched Killian’s video two or three times a day and that didn’t even count how many times she only pulled up the song portion.  That, in the end, had been what decided it for her.

She’d tried finding the song on every streaming service and on every platform that sold downloads but it wasn’t anywhere.  For the entire week she’d checked every morning when she woke up and every night before she went to bed but the song only seemed accessible in the video he posted.  The temptation to illegally download it had crossed her mind once or twice but she’d been able to hold herself in check, mostly because she knew the audio quality would suck but even more so because it felt almost cowardly.  That that would be the thing to somehow tip off Killian that she would rather torture herself with a shitty copy of the song he wrote for her than to actually talk to him.

It took far too long for her to piece together that because it couldn’t be downloaded or streamed meant that he wasn’t making any kind of profit from it.  When she finally did she felt like her heart had been plucked out of her chest and was on the precipice of being ground into dust.  She’d been out the door and on her way to Boston within five minutes of her realization and long before she could talk herself out of it.

The four hour drive had given her plenty of time to think over some things.  How she felt about him, really, truly felt about him, for one.  While Killian had pretty much said that he loved her she wasn’t so sure that was what she was feeling in return.  She definitely liked him, a lot, so much so that the weeks since she’d practically ghosted him she’d grown used to the constant ache under her breastbone.  The restless nights and obsessing over his video seemed a bit much but she could easily admit to herself that she missed him.  It didn’t necessarily mean that she loved him, they’d really only been together for a matter of days after all.

Then there was the slight issue of what the hell she was going to say to him.  An apology was a given.  On the flight back to Portland from Vancouver she’d finally admitted to herself that she might have possibly, slightly overreacted when she’d heard about Killian’s record contract.  She wasn’t completely in the wrong, he had lied and hidden things from her, but she definitely could have at least listened to what he’d had to say.  That was another thing, she was going to keep her damn mouth shut after she apologized and let him say whatever it was that he needed to say to her.

Her planning and imagined conversations got her into Boston but once she’d parked her car she’d begun to worry.  There was every possibility that he’d refuse to speak to her, that he’d take one look at her darkening his doorstep and slam the door in her face.  He might not even open the door at all, just see her distorted image through the peephole and decide not to bother.  By the time she’d reached his apartment she’d worked herself up so much with the ‘what ifs’ that she couldn’t bring herself to even knock on the damn door.

She’d been psyching herself up for at least ten minutes, raising her fist in a burst of courage only to drop it as another wave of unease washed over her.  As she lifted her hand for the fifth or fiftieth time one of his neighbors slammed their door shut.  Startled, her knuckles tapped the door, softly but enough to make a definite sound.  Resigned and relieved she sucked in a deep breath and soundly knocked twice, stepping back quickly so if he did look through the peephole he’d clearly see that it was her on the other side.

For a few agonizing moments she stood, waiting.  The neighbor who had slammed their door passed her by, giving her a curious look but kept walking.  She briefly wondered if he knew he lived on the same floor as potential rock legend.  The thought fled her mind when she heard the slide of a lock disengaging and the door in front of her slowly opened.

She could tell that Killian hadn’t been sleeping as soon as he stepped into view, there were dark purple shadows under his eyes that hadn’t shown up in his video.  His hair was even more of a disheveled mess than it had been in the video too, and longer.  He was wearing a pair of thin blue flannel lounge pants and a threadbare grey t-shirt with a rip at the collar and a faded Led Zeppelin logo.  She’d never seen a more heartbreakingly beautiful sight.

“How-”

“Regina mostly,” she rushed to explain.  It was way easier to tell him how she found him instead of why she had wanted to, “Robin helped with the doorman though.”

“They’re old friends,” he murmured absently.  His gaze darted all over her, as if he couldn’t quite believe she was there, “Tuck put in a good word for me with the board when I decided to move here after rehab.  Why are you here Emma?”

She winced, “Can we, um, go inside.  I really don’t want to do this out here.”

Something flared bright in Killian’s eyes as his mouth tightened.  She almost expected him to cross his arms and refuse.  Saying everything she needed to say out in the hallway would have been embarrassing and awkward as hell but she was prepared to do it.  In fact, she realized she would do almost anything to just get him to give her a chance.  He must have seen that in her own eyes as he gave her a terse nod, stepping back into the apartment and opening the door wider for her to pass through.

As she walked by him she resisted the urge to reach out and brush her fingers against the back of his hand or worse, stop completely to wrap her arms around him and never let him go.  Every ounce of courage she’d lacked before was suddenly filling her from root to tip.  She was still nervous as hell but she wasn’t about to destroy everything for once and for all by chickening out at the last second.  If things didn’t go the way she wanted it wouldn’t be because she decided that giving up was easier than fighting them.

Her steps slowed to a stop as she fully stepped into the spacious apartment.  One of the living room walls was floor to ceiling shelves filled with books, cds, and vinyls while the second had an impressive entertainment system with a giant tv that had a soccer game frozen on its screen.  There was a cozy looking couch and matching chair facing it that broke up the space between the living room and breakfast bar and the kitchen.  What really caught her eye was the view from the sliding glass doors behind a round dining table that opened to a small balcony.  It wasn’t full dark but the facade of the State House was already lit, its golden dome gleaming dimly.

“Nice view,” she muttered quietly.

“You were more excited by the one in Malibu,” Killian said flatly, startling her as he stepped up beside her.  He gave her a wry grin, “Bit jumpy there, Swan?  Don’t worry I won’t bite.”

She turned fully towards him and held his gaze, “I’m more nervous than worried.”

A muscle in his jaw ticked but he didn’t look away.  After a moment he gave a small sigh and moved toward the kitchen.

“I’d offer you a stiff drink but chamomile will have to do.”

He brushed past her, moving into the kitchen.  When she didn’t move he huffed and pointed to one of the high backed stools tucked under the breakfast bar.  She gave him a small smile and when he turned his back to her to open a cupboard she shook her head at her nervousness.  Silently admonishing herself she sat down and watched him move around the space, a defensive set to his shoulders as he gathered the things for their tea and set an electric kettle to boil.  Once there was nothing left for him to fiddle with he turned back to her, leaning casually against the far counter and crossing his arms over his chest.

“So it took you ten days to ask Regina where to find me?” He asked in that same flat voice.

Despite his attempt to sound indifferent she could hear the hurt in his words.  As much as she knew her answer would only serve to harm him more she couldn’t lie to him.  There was enough of that between them already.

“I called her as soon as I finished watching your video-” she dropped her gaze to where her hands were folded on the bartop, not quite strong enough to watch him react to her answer, “ten days ago.”

Her confession was met with silence.  She could hear the water in the kettle start to boil and the gentle hum of the refrigerator but that was it.  After a few seconds of quiet torture she steeled herself and looked up, needing to know exactly how pissed he was at her.  What she saw didn’t disappoint.

He hadn’t moved an inch, still leaning against the counter but there was nothing casual about it.  Every one of his muscles were tense, his fingers digging into his bicep with enough force to turn them white while his eyes were two chips of ice, cold enough to burn as he stared her down.  She was almost relieved at seeing the signs of his anger, anything was better than the indifference he’d been displaying before.  The kettle clicked off but he showed no sign of noticing aside from the slight tightening of his jaw.

As he glared at her she tried not to let her own frustration and anger flare up.  There were still so many things that they needed to talk about and any one of them could have him throwing her out of the apartment.  She wasn’t about to be meek or amenable but she sure as hell wasn’t about to keep poking the beast that she’d awakened.

“Honey?” He growled.

She blinked, “Wha- what?”

“In your tea-” he uncrossed his arms and gestured to the mugs beside him, “Honey?”

“Um, yeah, that’s fine.”

He gave her a terse nod and began fixing their tea.  With his back turned to her she took a deep, calming breath.  She was no longer nervous, his reaction had been pretty much what she’d expected and that part was over with.  Instead a hollow ache of longing had settled in her chest.  There was nothing she wanted more than to talk like they used to, open and without pretense but also with a bit of teasing and flirting thrown in for good measure.

Killian topped his mug off with a splash of milk before turning and handing hers over.  It was a white mug with a line drawing of a guitar and the words ‘I’m a kettle head’ written over it.  She couldn’t help her snort of laughter at the sight of it.

“Something funny, Swan?” He asked with a raised brow, his cup of tea halfway to his lips.

She spun the mug so the graphic faced him, “Gag gift or did you buy this yourself?”

He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his tea but she could see his ears turning red.  She let her own eyebrow tick up as he swallowed, shaking his head.

“Gift from a fan, actually.  I made mention in an interview years ago that I enjoyed a good cup of tea in the afternoon.  I’m still receiving packages of tea and its related wares on a steady basis-” he tipped his head towards her mug, “That was one of the more clever ones.”

Spinning it back so she could grasp it by the handle she hesitated.  The opening was clear for her to start the conversation that needed to be had.  She knew she should take advantage of it but he was no longer glaring at her and she wanted to bask in the small reprieve she’d found herself in.  To prolong the moment she took a sip of her tea, humming at the soothing warmth and delicate flavor that danced over her tongue.  The corner of Killian’s mouth ticked up and her heart skipped a beat at the sight.

“Not as good as my hot chocolate but it’ll do,” she teased.

Emma knew she’d pushed his patience to its breaking point a half second too late.  Killian’s smile flared for a second before he pressed his lips together in a thin line and turned his gaze away from her.  Her own small grin slipped and she berated herself for expecting too much too soon.  She waited, quiet and still, until he looked back at her.

“I’m sorry.”

His eyes widened and he let out a little huff of surprise but she barreled on, needing to get it all out.

“I’m sorry for so many things, waiting ten days to show up, not calling the second I finished watching your video, blocking your number so you couldn’t call me, fighting with you when I answered Ruby’s phone-”

“Swan-”

“I get that you’re mad at me.  Good, you should be.  I was terrible to you and I know it’s no excuse but I was hurt and you lied to me, but I still should have given you a chance to explain-” she gave a little hiccuping laugh, “God, if you’d done that to me and showed up at my house I would have slammed the door in your face and been done with it.  And you?  You invited me in for tea?  Why?”

Killian shook his head with a huff.  She could see his smile threatening to break loose again and the sight mystified her.  He saw her bewilderment and pushed off the counter behind him with his hip, setting his mug in front of hers and leaned into her space, gently taking her hand in his.

“Don’t you know, Emma?” He asked, painfully earnest. “You said you watched the video, so you must know.”

“You’re mad at me,” she pointed out, even as she gripped his hand.

He tilted his head, considering her, “I am but that doesn’t change how I feel.”

“I’m not sure how I feel,” she confessed in a whisper, “I know I hated not talking to you late at night or being near you almost constantly but…”

She trailed off, unsure how to proceed without stoking either of their tempers again.  Killian’s thumb ran over the back of her hand, encouraging her, and she reveled in the feeling.  He gave her an encouraging nod and she took a fortifying breath.

“You lied to me-” he winced and tried to pull his hand from hers but she held on fast, “You lied and if whatever this is between us is going to work I need to know why.  I promise to actually listen this time.”

He gave her a pained smile, “And if you don’t like what you hear?”

“I won’t know until you tell me,” she countered softly.

“Alright,” he said with a nod, one that seemed more for himself than for her. “Alright, but can you promise me one more thing?”

“Anything,” she agreed quickly.

“No interruptions.  I think it’ll do us both good to have it all out in one go.”

She used her free hand to mime that she was locking her lips and throwing away the key.  He gave her a small snort of a laugh, no longer looking pained or apprehensive, which had been her goal.  As she gently squeezed his hand in encouragement she really hoped she’d be able to keep her promise.

Killian blew out a harsh breath and began, “Are you familiar with Cora Hart?”

Her eyebrows shot up and she bit the inside of her cheek to keep her mouth shut.  Cora Hart was the agent of all agents.  Her firm was the one every struggling artist wished would represent them because every one of their clients was a superstar or on their way to being one.  To be one of her personal clients was like getting a golden ticket to everlasting fame, fortune, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  However, it came with a price and Emma wasn’t entirely convinced that it wasn’t someone’s soul.  Plus Cora Hart was known by everyone in the industry as ‘that cold hearted bitch’.  It was an unpleasant surprise to hear her name coming from Killian’s lips.

“Yes, I can see that you are,” he sighed. “She’s my agent.”

She grimaced.  As much as she’d been prepared to hear it it still made her stomach drop.  There were only so many ways his story was going to go and she wasn’t sure she was entirely ready to hear it, but she would, because she promised.

“I’ve been with her since the beginning.  She found us playing at a small pub in Liverpool and snapped us up.  If it weren’t for her we’d probably still be playing pub gigs but only on weekends-” he gave her a wan smile that didn’t last long, “I owe a lot to that woman, not everything but enough to know not to question her decisions on where to take my career.  Even if I wanted to seek different representation she’s got me in an iron clad contract for at least three solo albums.”

“What?!”

She couldn’t help her outburst.  While it was normal for a record label to offer contracts like that, she’d signed one herself for that matter, she was pretty sure it wasn’t standard for an agent to do the same.  Then again she didn’t actually have an agent of her own.  Regina was an employee of her label and didn’t need a separate contract with her and seemed more than happy to take care of everything herself.  Emma thought that things had been working out alright, aside from the fiasco that had put her right where she found herself at that very moment.

“I have been bound by this contract for quite a while, Swan,” he said wryly. “Since even before the accident.”

“But that’s gotta be extortion or something, right?” She asked indignantly. “I mean, it’s been almost fifteen years!”

He gave her a warm look, “There are plenty of people who have been with their agents for much longer and I thought I said no interruptions, love.”

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly.

“Realm of Jewels made Cora a very rich woman and an equally hot commodity in the industry.  I had already planned to do a few solo albums and signed with her because she was someone I already knew.  Back then I thought three albums was nothing, I had written material for at least six,” he said with a shrug. “After the accident and pulling myself out of the bottle she was gracious enough to allow me to do whatever I needed to do to get my life back on track.  Even if it meant nothing more than doing recording sessions for other artists’ work.  Of course, her patience could only be pushed so far and I’m sure I’d far exceeded the limit.  She started not so gently reminding me of my contractual obligations about a year ago.

“At the time I figured I could piecemeal something together from my old lyrics and maybe a cover or two to get an album together.  It wouldn’t have been great, fair to middling if anything, but it would have been enough to satisfy Cora for the time being.  I wasn’t excited by the prospect and in the meantime I was still being hired for session recordings.  One of which was for your album.”

Emma smiled and ducked her head.  He’d made it sound like it was some great honor instead of a few hours work on a couple of songs.  She didn’t even get to choose the musicians that got to record, that was all left up to the label, though she did get final say on how it sounded.  That didn’t mean to say she hadn’t gone back to listen to those backing tracks almost as much as the song he’d written for her.

“It was the day we were recording for Snowdrops and Buttercups that I first met Regina.  It just so happened to be the same day that Cora had come to the studio to once again remind me of my obligations.  What I wasn’t aware of was the fact that Cora is Regina’s mother-” Emma’s head shot up at that and he nodded, “Whatever you do try to avoid being in the same room as them, especially when business is involved.  I left the studio that day with my three album contract inexorably attached to the record label that Regina represented.  There was also the small inconvenience of a series of deadlines being imposed.  The first of which was having enough songs written to begin recording an album within six months.  When Ruby called about needing a replacement I had about two months left to put something recordable together.”

Emma bit her lip.  It was getting harder and harder to keep her comments and questions to herself.  Especially with the bomb he’d dropped about Regina and Cora.  She decided to take a sip of her tea instead.  Before her mug even made it to her lips Killian was grinning widely at her.

“Go ahead, love,” he said with a bow of his head.

She slammed her mug down, splashing tea over her hand.  With a hiss she shook off the droplets impatiently, ignoring Killian’s outstretched hand, not wanting to be deterred.

“Cora the heartless is Regina’s mother?!  And if you had only two months to write an entire album why the hell were you allowed to come on tour with me?  Is that why you had that lunch with Robin and Regina?  For the album?  Why didn’t you tell me all of this already?”

Killian’s expression immediately dropped into one of regret as she sat back, stunned at her directness.  She absentmindedly rubbed at the reddened spot on the back of her hand that the tea had spilled on.  The lingering pain was an excellent distraction from the tension that had sprung up between them.  With a click of his tongue Killian moved to the sink, wetting the corner of a dish rag.  When he turned back to her he paused and she gave him a nod, holding out her hand to him hoping he would see it as the olive branch she was offering.

“At first it didn’t seem as though it would be an issue,” he said quietly as he gently pressed the rag to her burn, “You only needed a temporary guitarist and as I mentioned earlier I had dozens of notebooks already filled with lyrics that would suffice.  Regina was the one who scheduled the meeting with Robin as soon as I was officially attached to the tour.  I believe her intention at the time was for me to hand over the completed songs and get the ball rolling as it were.  She, of course, had no idea that you and I would become what we did.”

“Did you, um, have any idea?” She asked hesitantly, dropping her gaze to where his hand was still holding the damp cloth to the back of hers.

He used his other hand to tip up her chin and looked her in the eye, “I’d hoped but I could never be quite sure how you felt.  Until Chicago.”

She wanted to confess that her hopes had started long before Chicago.  That he had somehow snuck past her defenses into her heart with his charm and unwavering support but she couldn’t.  He still hadn’t answered the question that mattered most to her.  With a sigh she pulled away from his gentle touch.

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me any of this,” she said a bit sharper than she intended, her frustration and confusion bleeding into her tone. “We talked for hours on that damn bus.  I listened to you talk about how much better felt tip pens are than ball points three separate times!  Was it really so hard to say ‘by the way, Swan, I’ve signed with your manager and have to get an album written while we’re on the road’?”

He let out a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair, “I didn’t want to upset you.”

“And look where that got you,” she said with a humorless chuckle waving her hand between them. “If you’d said something off the bat I would have been pissed at you for, like maybe a week, and I also wouldn’t have gotten my heart broken.”

Emma froze.  She hadn’t meant to make that confession, especially when she wasn’t even one hundred percent sure what it was she felt for him.  Killian seemed caught off guard too, as he stood staring at her with wide eyes and not appearing to breathe.  He blinked and closed the small distance between them but made no move to touch her.

“I’m glad to hear it,” he murmured.

“You’re glad to hear I got my heart broken?” Her voice cracked and she pulled as far back from him as she could.

“If it can be broken, it means it still works,” he said softly but she could hear the hope in his words all the same. “I know I hurt you immeasurably, love, and I’ve earned no right to a second chance but if you can see it in you to do so I’ll gladly spend the rest of my days earning your back your trust and, perhaps in time, your heart.”

“Killian…”

“Finish your tea, Swan,” he said with a tight smile though his eyes were sparkling with the same hope she’d heard, “Don’t want it to get cold.”

She stared down at the amber liquid and watched the curling tendrils of steam as though they’d give her some kind of sign of what to do.  They didn’t, of course, not that she really believed it would be that easy.  There were still so many questions she wanted to ask but only one really mattered.  Guarding herself against a final blow she looked up at him with determination.

“Were you ever going to tell me about any of it?  Or was it always your plan for me to find out from someone else?”

Killian jolted back, as though she’d slapped him.  He shook his head with a sigh before running a hand over his face.  When he caught her eye again the hope had been replaced with pain and a flash of the anger she’d thought was behind them.

“I’d intended to tell you everything the night of the interview over the dinner we were supposed to share at my home.  I suppose it was fortuitous that I’d listened to it or I would have sat with our meal laid out on the table, waiting for hours for your arrival.  As it was I had to endure one of Regina’s assistants traipsing through the house, gathering your items and ignoring my pleas to explain what the hell was going on.  Then, of course, there was to be no explanations forthcoming for nearly three days and absolute devastation once I’d received them.  But after all that my feelings for you never changed, not once.”

Emma sucked in a breath at that.  Even as he was justifiably dressing her down for what she’d done he was still playing it safe.  He’d never stated outright what he felt for her but she knew without a doubt what he wasn’t saying.  Funny thing was, his caution made her realize exactly what she felt for him with startling clarity.  She gave a little laugh that bordered on manic but she was helpless against the sudden euphoria she was feeling.

Killian glared at her, “I won’t have you laughing-”

“I love you.”

The words seemed to hang between them in the quiet kitchen like a line cast out to the unknown.  She could only hope that Killian would grasp onto them and tether her heart to his.  As the silence stretched out she found she only wished she had told him sooner instead of dragging out both their heartaches.  Shaking her head at her own stubborn foolishness she gave him a tremulous smile.

“I love you and I’m sorry.  I was trying so hard to protect myself from getting hurt again that I just hurt us both so much more instead.  I’m so tired of feeling like I tore a piece of my own heart out.  You said your feelings haven’t changed.  I want this.  I want us.  Do you?”

Instead of answering her with words Killian moved at a speed that surprised her.  Almost before she had finished the question he was standing in front of her, his arms bracketing her with his hands on the back of the chair and the counter.  His expression was deadly serious but his eyes were lit with joy as he leaned into her space.

“Swan, I want nothing more.”

Her smile was cut off by his lips pressing to hers.  She gasped as one of his hands delved into her hair while the other banded around her waist, his thumb stroking at the skin above the waistband of her jeans.  It was as if he was pouring every emotion into the kiss.  His passion, his elation, his fervor, and most of all his love.  With a moan she pulled him impossibly closer, hooking her ankles around the back of his legs to draw him in.

To her surprise he broke away, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing heavily, “There’s one last thing that needs to be said.”

“Now?” She panted, arching up slightly to nip at his lower lip. “Can’t it wait?”

“Not really,” he groaned.  He kissed the corner of her mouth, then her cheek, sliding his mouth to her ear where he quietly sang to her, “But I wouldn't trade a day for the chance to say, My love, I'm in love with you.”

Tears welled in her eyes as he pulled back, looking at her as though she was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  He gently brushed away the few tears that had fallen with a finger, following closely behind with soft kisses that travelled across her cheeks, leaving her wanting more.  By the time he moved to her mouth the heat between them had returned but she leaned back before he could press more than one delicate kiss to her lips.

“Emma,” he growled, his hand flexing on the back of her neck, his eyes hot.

“You know, you never gave me a tour of the place-” she gave him a teasing smile and gave an exaggerated look around, “I bet there’s all sorts of interesting rooms.”

He caught on quickly, his smile unfurling into something wicked, “Indeed there are, my love.  Shall we begin with the bedroom?”

He didn’t give her the chance to answer as he swiftly pulled her up from her chair and tugged her quickly down the hallway.

Much, much later Emma was seated back at the breakfast bar in nothing but her underwear and Killian’s Led Zeppelin shirt.  Her feet were perched in Killian’s lap, which was covered by dark blue boxer briefs that he’d only pulled on when the pizza they’d ordered had arrived.  She tried to smother a giddy grin behind her crust but he caught sight of it and raised a brow at her.

“Something you’d like to share, Swan?”

“I’m just-” she gave a little shrug, “happy.  I guess I’m still trying to process it.”

“I know what you mean, love,” he agreed, his hand dropping to her ankle to give it a squeeze. “If someone had told me yesterday that we would be here tonight, like this, I wouldn’t have believed them.  Now, if they’d predicted us reconciling by the end of the week I wouldn’t have questioned it.”

“No?” She asked, humming in pleasure at the confidence in his voice.

“You’re not the only one who can wheedle an address out of Regina,” he said with a wink.  Then he grew serious, “If I hadn’t heard from you by the end of the week I was planning on driving up to Maine to plead my case.”

“I’m surprised she gave it to you,” she mumbled around a bite of her crust. “She was all worried about you breaching your contract because of deadlines two weeks ago.  A side trip to Maine would definitely eat into your studio time or something.”

“Oh-” Killian scratched behind his ear and then said offhandedly, “I’ve, er, been in breach of my contract since I posted that video, love.”

Her last bite fell from her fingers as she gaped at him.  A flush was rising along the back of his neck and he gave her a sheepish smile.

“What?”

“Well, according to some of the very fine print in it I was forbidden from releasing any music by means other than through the label-” he shrugged and waved a hand as though dismissing the seriousness of the situation, “My lawyer assures me that at most I’ll only have to pay a minimal fine.”

“Pay a…” she brought her palms to her temples, “Killian that’s still going to be thousands of dollars.”

“I would have posted a hundred unsanctioned songs and paid every cent I have to my name just to get you to talk to me again,” he said matter of factly.  He leaned over and plucked the piece of crust from her lap, tossing it into the open pizza box before fixing her gaze with his, “And it would have been worth it.  You are worth everything.”

She dropped her hands with a huff, “Stop being romantic when I’m worrying about you.”

“Never,” he said with a wide grin that made his eyes crinkle. “And you don’t need to worry about me, Swan, I’m a survivor.”

“I love you,” she said with a shrug, “I’ll always worry about you.”

His grin mellowed into something that made her feel warm and cherished.  He leaned over and grasped her stool, dragging it towards him until the already small distance between them was narrowed so only a puff of air could pass through.  She gave a wayward thought to the state of his floors at the abuse they suffered but it vanished as his hand came up to cup her jaw, his thumb drawing a delicate arc across her cheekbone.

“I love you too,” he murmured just above a whisper, his eyes intent on hers, “I always will.”

Her happy sigh was swallowed by his lips on hers.  The kiss was far more gentle than any of the others they had shared, even the ones from before their separation.  With a slight thrill she realized that they would have hundreds, even thousands, more kisses of all sorts in the years to come.  As they parted she couldn’t help her giddy smile at the thought.

Killian raised his brow at her, his gaze teasing, “Already, Swan?  We’ve only just surfaced.”

“What?  No!” She laughed, pushing him back, “I mean, yeah but not like that.  I was thinking about us kissing but years from now kind of kisses.”

“Years from now,” he repeated in awe.  He leaned back towards her, “I like the sound of that.”

“Me too,” she sighed.  Then she crinkled her nose at him, “Even if I do end up supporting you because you have to keep paying fines since you’re a big YouTube star now.  I know how you guys gotta keep posting content.”

“Har, har, love.  Just so you know, Cora has already spun this in my favor,” he said smugly. “She’s convinced the label that it’s the perfect way to garner attention for my forthcoming album.  Which is why I’ll only be paying a minimal fine instead of what it easily could have been.”

Emma sat back, “So you’re still going to do it?  Record the album?”

“Not exactly, no,” he said with a crooked smile, “The songs I was planning on recording before are, quite honestly, rubbish.  I’ve had a wellspring of inspiration these past few weeks.  Robin is quite pleased with them as a matter of fact and he’s not hold back over the years when something of mine is only worthy of a bin.  I’ll be heading to the studio once the whole contract debacle is taken care of.  That is, of course, only if you agree.”

“Agree to what?” She asked, confused.

“The songs, my love-” he dropped his eyes for a moment and when he looked back up his gaze was wary, “You, us, what we’ve been through?  Well… you know.”

And she did.  She’d written dozens of songs about the man who’d left her in jail and pregnant and just as many about her lonely childhood in foster care.  There was more than one notebook filled with longing ballads about the son she’d never even held.  Hell, the notebook in her purse was pages of scribbles and half formed lyrics about Killian and their time together.  So she knew exactly what he was getting at.  She also had one niggling thought about it.

“Yeah, I do,” she said with a slow nod.  Reaching towards him she took his hand between hers, “I think you should record the songs you’ve written, even the ones that I know don’t paint me in the best light, but I do have one request.”

“Anything,” he breathed, his hand flexing in hers.

“I don’t want to hear any of them until the final mix-” she let go of his hand to cover his mouth as he tried to protest, “No, hear me out first.  I’m sure the songs are good, great even since Robin is excited about them, and that’s exactly why I want to wait to hear them.  I know how much work goes into making an album and thanks to Ruby you know exactly how big a fan I am of your music.  I just- I think I want to have that giddy moment listening to your first big solo album as the finished thing.”

Killian tugged her hand away from his lips and gave her a wry grin, “So you want to enjoy the sausage without seeing all the unappetizing steps of how it gets made?”

“Uh, weird analogy but yeah,” she said, relieved that it hadn’t caused another fight, “I wouldn’t mind seeing the pigs before slaughter though.”

“So you’ll berate me for the initial analogy but then proceed to take it to a much darker place.  I see how your mind works, Swan,” Killian said with narrowed eyes and a look of mock sternness.

“I work with what I’m given,” she said with a shrug.

Killian huffed out a laugh before he grew serious, taking the hand that was still in his and placing them both over his heart, “You can look at every song I’ve ever written, love.  Even the shit ones from primary school.”

She gave him a smile she knew was giddy, “Oh, I definitely want to look at those but I think for now I’ll stick to your most recent ones.”

“Wise decision,” he murmured,half rising from his stool, “Shall I go get them now?”

“No, it’s late, I can look at them tomorrow-” she flexed her fingers on his chest and when he looked back at her she tried to let him see every ounce of love she was feeling, “I’m not going anywhere.”

His smile unfurled slowly but adoration and love was bright in his eyes, “Good.”

[aricazorel]

I was tagged by @ripley95 for Fic Flashback Friday. Thank you!

Messages is a story I wrote a couple of years ago about Kora (Kori) Reese but only began posting it on AO3 in March 2020. It centered around the idea of a female character being part of the original Normandy crew and developing a relationship with Kaidan Alenko. While it actually takes place during the months before the beginning of Mass Effect 3, it details some of their relationship during ME1 and 2 and how they went from crew mates to friends to lovers to ex-flames. and eventually getting back together. I've since written a sequel called Broken Road and a plethora of prompts about their relationship.

I am a huge F!Shenko fan but the idea of Kori kept popping up whenever I went to write Mas Effect. I know first hand that Kaidan is not the most popular romance in the fandom (sometimes problematic for some people even) and pairing him with an OC that is not Shepard almost ensures your story is never going to be a popular one. But they have found an audience with some people and I'm happy with that. I write for me and if you happen to like it too, awesome.

So to introduce Kori and Kaidan here is Chapter 5 of Messages in its entirety. Or you can read Messages from the beginning here on AO3.

Tuesday June 27, 2186 CE, Vancouver-Seattle megaplex, Earth

Reese glanced around the café Kaidan had suggested they meet at. It was in the commercial district of the Vancouver-Seattle megaplex and very busy. It had taken her 25 minutes just to get to the café and make sure it was the right one after the air taxi had dropped her off. She hated crowds almost as much as Kaidan did, but he had insisted they had the best cappuccinos in the city. He had grown up there so he must know. At least she hoped…

She sat at a table for two in the corner waiting for the Major to appear. He was usually the one early and she late but not this time. The Lt. Cmdr. was starting to wonder if he had begun to have second thoughts; she had. But she still came.

Reese glanced at the chrono on her omni-tool. Fifteen minutes late. Did she call him? Message him? Leave a note with the waiter? Just leave and forget about the whole thing?

She let out a frustrated growl as she propped her forehead against her hand. Could things possibly get more complicated? Suddenly her omni-tool signaled that she had a message. Sighing she opened it up guessing it was a ‘sorry couldn’t make it’ text. The holo screen popped up and read, “Look up.”

Frowning the tech glanced up to find a tee shirt and blue jean clad Kaidan Alenko standing before her. He smiled down at her as he held onto a black leather jacket slung over his shoulder. “Hey there.”

“Hey yourself,” she replied as she scooted the opposite chair out for him with her foot. “You’re late, Alenko.”

“Would you believe traffic?” he asked hopefully as he eyed her own outfit. She wore a pair of jeans too but sported a blue tank top covered by a fitted jean jacket. The sentinel’s appreciative gaze was not lost on her.

She decided to give him a break and replied, “I’ll believe you. It took me a while too.”

An expression of relief appeared on his face as he asked, “Thanks. Have you ordered anything?”

“No. That would have been rude,” Reese replied with a smile as she noticed Kaidan was still ‘taking in the view.’ “Is there something I can help you with, Major? You seem to be concentrating very hard on something…”

Kaidan’s face instantly turned red as he cleared his throat. “I, umm, couldn’t help but notice how amazing you look…”

She cocked an eyebrow as she brought up the virtual menu. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he said as he started looking at the screen. After a moment he glanced back at her and asked, “So you’re not going to hit me?”

Reese snorted and said, “No, I’m not going to hit you, you big baby.”

Kaidan began to protest the name-calling and she added softly, “You were being nice…”

“It was more than being nice, Reese. I meant it. You look beautiful,” he said sincerely as he watched her play with her hair. She wore the long dark locks in a loose side pony tail. Her hair was nearly down to her waist now. Three years ago it had only been to just below her shoulders.

Kaidan grinned as he realized as much as things had changed many things had stayed the same. They sat in silence for several long minutes, each keying in their orders. Finally, after the menu disappeared, she said, “You’re looking good too, Kaidan. Actually it’s given several of the girls I work with plenty of gossip fodder.”

He looked at her closely and said, “You’re…embarrassed. Aren’t you?”

“I didn’t say that,” the tech denied without looking him in the eye.

“You didn’t have to. Everything else did,” he replied with a smirk. “Kora Reese is actually embarrassed.”

“No and don’t use that name,” she snapped.

Kaidan held up his hand in surrender. “Okay. Fine. You’re uncomfortable then, Lt. Cmdr. But why?”

“Kaidan…”

“Don’t Kaidan me. We’ve been talking for months and now I find out you’re uncomfortable. Embarrassed more likely and I’m the cause of it,” Alenko snapped as he slumped against the back of his chair.

“No, that’s not it…I just…I’ve never liked people knowing my business I guess,” Reese replied quietly. “I’m not…They’ve seen me talking to you on the vid chat and I got used to working alone except Tali…and she doesn’t tease…a lot…I just don’t—I didn’t mean—“

“Reese, you’re rambling,’ Alenko said calmly, his own annoyance subsiding.

She looked at him with cloudy grey eyes. “I don’t want to fight, Kaidan. I just want to…spend time with you, get to know you again.”

“I want that too, Reese,” he replied reaching across the table with an opened hand.

She looked into his whiskey colored eyes and then at his hand. Smiling she took it and said, “It’s a step.”

“Baby steps, remember?” he said as their order arrived.

She nodded. Maybe old wounds could heal…

~~

“So is this the end of our ‘coffee’ date then?” Kaidan asked as he kicked the pavement with his boot.

“Well, technically yes, but I…it’s doesn’t really have to be…” Reese replied slowly as she looked at his boot. He did look really good out of uniform…

Alenko snapped his head up to look at the Lt. Cmdr. in surprise. “What does that mean?”

She looked up shyly at him. “I…I’m not exactly sure but I don’t think I want to end our date just yet.”

“Reese, I don’t want to push—“

“Kaidan, you were never able to push me into anything…except maybe a wall and that lead to other things…” she interrupted and then trailed off as soon as she remembered what she was saying.

The Major hesitantly reached for her hand and offered, “We could go somewhere else. It’s still light out. There’s a park…and a beach but that’s too far—“

“We’ve been to a park and I’m not going to the beach without a swim suit,” she replied as he started to withdraw his hand.

“We could go back to one of our places…” she added as she grabbed his hand.

“Reese, I’m not sure that’s…”

“Kaidan, if you don’t want to—“

“Oh no, Reese, I didn’t say that. It’s just…after everything…”

“Kaidan, we both said we wanted another chance, but we have to be able to take hold of it…”

Suddenly she found herself pulled into Kaidan’s strong embrace, one hand wrapped tightly around her waist, the other cradling the base of her head. She felt his five o’clock shadow graze her face as he lightly kissed her cheek. Reese found herself returning the embrace without hesitation and sighed.

After what seemed like an eternity, Kaidan whispered into her ear, “We’re drawing attention, Kori.”

She pulled away and looked around. Apparently the passersby had nothing better to do than stare, but Reese thought that she heard Kaidan’s name repeated several times. She snorted and said softly, “I think you’ve got a fanbase, Major.”

He looked around more closely himself and retorted, “Maybe they like the hot chick I’m with.”

“Don’t call me a chick, techboy,” she cautioned as he began leading her by the hand away towards an air taxi call point.

“I love it when you’re bossy,” Kaidan said as he signaled for a taxi.

She laughed and replied, “Patience, techboy, patience.”

~~

Alenko woke up in an unfamiliar place on an unfamiliar couch with something warm next to him. He blinked back the sleep and glanced beside him. He found Reese spooned up against him, her head resting on his shoulder, her hair spilling across his chest. He reached down and caressed her check. They had fallen asleep at her apartment watching old 20th century movies.

She stirred slightly and then smiled. “Kaid.”

He couldn’t help but smile at the use of her nick name for him. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “I’m here, Kori.”

“Don’t leave,” she said sleepily, curling up to him.

He couldn’t decide if she was awake or not. He wasn’t sure what to say. Everything had been so jumbled and then he’d run into her by chance and now here he was on her couch with her. Instead he settled for hugging her tightly to his chest as he ran a hand through her long dark hair. He had missed playing with the long-tangled tresses. The few times they had truly been alone he had even brushed it for her which usually led to something else. He’d never admit to anyone how much of a thing he had for her long hair, but it wasn’t like it was a secret to her.

As he continued to play with her wavy locks, she stirred again. This time she opened her eyes and smiled at him. Her grey eyes were calm and content as she placed a hand on his cheek. “You stayed.”

“Yeah,” he said simply with a grin meant only for her.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Sorry! Lehner had around a 10 minute rant today about how he feels like the NHL lied to the players about loosening up the restrictions placed on teams and forced teams to get the Covid Vaccine. ESPN and the New York Post released an article about it today.

(this is a follow-up on this ask)

Ah okay, I found a TSN article about it, which covers the fact that he also apologized for some of his remarks (mainly comparing the restrictions to being “like prison” which is a bit cringe when you’re a millionaire in a free hotel, yeah), and also significantly clarified some of the intent behind what he was trying to say at the presser:

I’m gonna put my full thoughts this under a cut because it’s ended up running pretty long and rambly, but tl;dr: after considering his more precisely clarified points here and with the perspective I know he’s coming from, I can honestly see and empathize with what Lehner seems to be expressing here about how the NHL has chosen to handle player vaccinations and informing them about what that means for the restrictions on their lives, and I actually don’t disagree with his criticisms overall. Some of the phrasing could have been better, but he’s acknowledged that too.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL may have done a poor job of honestly managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the extra restrictions placed on the players and their families with each team, and that they’re also up to some version of their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

Right, so, long thoughts are down here. Also gonna copy the majority of his comments directly because I think it’s worthwhile for people to read exactly what he said:

"As I’m frustrated like a lot of people in the world right now everything didn’t come out of today’s press in the right way," Lehner wrote. "Main point is that we need to start take the mental health important as well In this situation. It has a huge impact on everyone in society right now. To put competitive edge before well being of people's lives is wrong. As I said, people are struggling with many different things mentally and we need to consider that, as well. Then, being lied to makes it worse."

I love hockey and the league has done a lot of good things," Lehner continued. "But this missed the mark. My bad to say it’s like prison and I apologize, but with mental health issues that are developing in the world, it develops problems mentally. We will see exactly how this affects everything with time. I don’t mean to offend anyone. I hope we can all work together to help people that suffer through mental help from this going forward. I’ve heard how a lot of people are doing through this as people talk to me about it."

During his briefing, Lehner said that the league has misled the players about how vaccination will lead to the loosening of restrictions.

"They told me yesterday that they're surveying all of the teams to see who has taken the vaccine and who has not taken the vaccine and they're not going to change the rules for us as players until all of the teams have a fair [amount] of [vaccinated players] at the same time, so there's not a competitive edge," Lehner said. "And that made me go crazy, to be honest."

Lehner said the league is failing to look at its players as people first and lied to them about taking the vaccine.

"These are human lives and people are struggling with this stuff a lot in society and we are humans just as everyone else," Lehner said. "So there's a twofold problem for me here - the first one is we got promised something to take something that not necessarily everyone wanted. So that was lie - a blatant lie. Second, to put competitive edge over human lives in terms of going back - and I'm not saying we're going out to a party or whatever, but we had a meeting when the season started, at the beginning of camp, that pretty much told us we can't go outside of our house, can't do anything, can't go to the grocery store, can do nothing on the road. You can take a meal out of the meal room and go sit up in your room, don't be with your teammates, don't do this, don't do that. Nobody thinks about the mental impact."

The Gothenburg, Sweden native says his peers are struggling through this pandemic season.

"I know people will say, 'Oh, you're millionaires' and this and that or 'What about these guys?' but we care about that, too, man," Lehner said. "No matter what people think, this is a society problem. But when government, corporations, NHL, whoever are taking decisions in terms of irrelevant things like competitive edge over the human being? It's not okay."

It seems pretty clear to me from this article that his main issue isn’t really with getting the vaccine or being required to do so (my understanding is that it is still opt-in for all players, not mandatory. It’s that he doesn’t view the League as having provided players with a realistic expectation ahead of time for how being vaccinated would or would not change their daily reality. That they were led to believe that getting vaccinated would lead to things that didn’t end up happening, and therefore weren’t empowered to make an informed choice about when to get vaccinated.

The way he describes it, the League was not clear enough ahead of time about the fact that individual players being vaccinated would not make them individually exempt from league-wide restrictions, and this created a feeling of false hope about what getting vaccinated would mean in terms of not just having to stay in your house or hotel room literally all the time. If you were looking forward to getting vaccinated because you were led to believe it would mean finally not having to live in that isolated, mentally draining environment all the time, and then only found out at the last minute or after the fact that no, you actually still have to keep following all these rules that are making your life so isolated and difficult, that’s gotta be pretty emotionally jarring. If you were a player who was a little unsure about getting vaccinated quite yet (for whatever reason, including possibly being in a risk group for side-effects or just not wanting to get waylaid for a week with the smile symptoms it induces during a crucial stretch of games), but decided it was worth it for the tradeoff of getting back to a life that was less of a strain on your mental health, and then got told AFTER you made that decision and got the shot that no, that tradeoff isn’t happening the way you were made to expect it to, I think it would understandably piss you off.

It also sounds like part of what he has taken issue with is that, from the sounds of it rather than ease internal restrictions on a team-by-team basis as determined by each team’s vaccination rates (which would mean that if for example the Wild had 95% of their team vaccinated, the Wild only the Wild would get to start living a life with slightly less restrictions), the League is instead opting to say “no, we’re only going to ease the rules for EVERYONE at the same time once all teams have reached similar numbers of vaccinated players and staff to ea other, because we would see having different rules for different teams as giving some of them an unfair competitive edge”.

Lehner takes umbrage with this approach, because he thinks that focusing solely on “competitive edge” by making more-vaccinated teams keep having to live incredibly isolated lives (even isolated from vaccinated teammates) is a case of the League prioritizing parity over the toll that barely being able to interact with other people or leave their houses is taking on players’ mental health. And I can really really understand his point here. We have all seen what quarantine has done to our individual mental health, and even if they are millionaires, those impacts also exist for the players.

I actually just recently re-read the Athletic piece about the intense mental health and addiction struggles Lehner has gone through and done the incredibly difficult work of getting help for in the last five years. This man has fought incredibly hard and done a massive amount of therapy and other work to sort out his head, deal with his demons, and get himself to a place where he can cope and wants to be alive. That kind of recovery journey is a battle which will continue for the rest of your life and requires constant maintenance practices (again, speaking from experience). He also spent most of this season not even getting to be around the team at all, stuck at home recovering from a concussion (which usually involves doing frustratingly little and waiting around impatiently in dimly lit rooms for your brain to heal). And now, upon returning to the team, road games mean more time spent sitting in a room trying not to be bored out of your skull, while possibly also having to have some limits on things like screen time as a post-concussion precaution.

Imagine being somebody like him, who has spent a lot of time working very hard to build up a lifestyle and a system of coping mechanisms in recent years which have allowed him to live a healthier and happier life, to then be thrown back into an isolated and highly restricted new lifestyle where probably at least half of all those habits and norms and support systems are taken out of reach, that has to be incredibly difficult (I’ve experienced something similar myself this year). Especially when you haven’t been able to even go and be with the team in the dressing room, or probably even do anything with your family that classes above “mildly strenuous”, because you’re out for six weeks recovering from a concussion, which is its own mental and physical health battle. And then, you are apparently given the impression from the League that “hey, if you’re willing to get vaccinated, that will lead to you being able to return to some semblance of a life that is less taxing on your psyche”, and you agreed to do so even if you were perhaps cautious about getting the vaccine before, because you’d rather accept whatever risk comes with the shot than gamble on keeping your sanity together for however much longer this isolation drags on, only to then find out that “actually no, even if your team and staff is entirely vaccinated you still have to spend most of your time sitting alone in rooms trying not to sink into a spiral of dangerous depression until other teams in other states with different vaccination programs are also immunized to similar levels, and our only real reasoning for holding that mental relief out of reach is mostly based on ‘competitive parity’”.

Yeah, I absolutely understand why he would feel very frustrated and even betrayed by that course of action! For Lehner, it’s not about competitive edges or the game on the ice, it’s about having made the decision to get vaccinated at this time with the understanding that it would allow access to an at least slightly less mentally taxing lifestyle, only to find out later that the League seemingly never intended to follow through on providing that despite you holding up your end of the deal. And it sounds like he is speaking for a number of other players beyond just himself who are also struggling with their mental health in these conditions. Even if he himself is managing to cope because of what he’s learned in his recovery, he would certainly be well-positioned to recognize signs in the people around him that they are struggling in ways that may be similar to what he went though before, and know how dire that can spiral into being.

Look, I don’t think Robin Lehner ever expected to be allowed to go out and lick people’s eyeballs or wander the supermarket maskless once vaccinated, but you heard the description of how intensely restrictive the NHL’s rules for players off-ice lives during COVID are. They are far more intense than the rules being enforced for non-NHL individuals in many of the same cities and states, because the NHL is trying to bring risk as close to zero as possible. And if you were a player told that being vaccinated was going to reduce contagion risks enough to mean that right away the NHL would finally let you and your teammates from “can’t go anywhere or see anyone, eat your dinner in your hotel room and try not to be depressed about it” to “you can go to the store with a mask on. you can eat meals with your also-vaccinated teammates. you can visit your parents or siblings while social-distancing/masking. you can spend free time around other people and/or in more public spaces without being chaperoned constantly by team staff. you can sit next to your also-vaccinated teammates on the plane/bus. you can hang out with them in their room”, and THEN later were told “sorry, we’re not actually going to let you do that yet. not for COVID reasons but rather because we worry not being totally miserable shut-ins will give you a competitive edge over that team in another state who aren’t getting vaccinated as quickly”. That has to feel like a slap in the face in terms of how much the league actually cares about your well-being or about being honest in its role in your personal medical decisions. Perhaps when he says “forced” he is expressing a feeling of being stuck between choosing “either get vaccinated or let your mental health keep degrading in isolation”, only to find out that making the deal doesn’t get you the relief you were promised.

Idk I feel like I’m repeating myself a lot here trying to circle in on my precise point bc my brain is a little scrambled today, but like. If the players made their decisions to consent to vaccination (at this time, with whatever version of the shot was offered, under whatever circumstances they may have going on personally or medically) based on one understanding of the situation, and then NHL really said “lol NOPE actually that was a false premise” and changed things after the fact, that’s kinda an informed consent issue and I think he’s right to call it fucked up! And everything he says about how mentally taxing such a super-isolated lifestyle is honestly only repeats worries I myself had right from the moment the “stay in your hotel room alone” rule was announced — that the League may be underestimating the toll (especially with some of the long road trips this season) that forcing players to live in total isolation like that was going to have on individual wellbeing and team morale.

Robin’s comments this morning could have been put better, but as somebody who has ADHD and who knows about bipolar disorder, I know emotions for folks with brains like ours can run fast and intense and sometimes lead to not always planning out every word as precisely and you might later have liked to once that moment has passed. The fact that he apologized for the less tactful part of the comment and sought to clarify his words tells me he’s thought a lot about this and wasn’t happy with how he expressed his thoughts initially. Also, while his English is very good, you can sometimes forget it isn’t his first language, Swedish is — some thoughts don’t translate exactly as they sounded in your head. That said, also Robin Lehner one of the more outspoken NHL players about mental health issues in recent years, and he also doesn’t seem like the type of guy to mince his words or tiptoe around a point — I’m not surprised he’s the person expressing these concerns about mental health, and I’m not surprised he was a bit blunt about it either lol.

All in all, it sounds like the NHL did a poor job of managing expectations around what vaccine rollout would mean for the players and their families, and that they’re also up to their usual NHL schtick of prioritizing some platonic ideal of Competitive Parity (remember “the Vancouver Canucks will play a 56 game season”, anyone?) above all else, even when that is no longer realistic and/or comes at the expense of the short-term and long-term mental and physical wellbeing of the players. Classic NHL.

(also: the New York Post is a right-leaning sensationalist rag 90% of the time. take all spin it puts on things with a grain of salt)

[hockeylvr59]

Life Changes Part 5 || Paul Bissonnette

Summary: It’s crazy how quickly your life can change...one minute you’re a struggling personal injury lawyer and the next you’re working for one of the hottest sports podcasts to supplement your income. A new job and the end of a long-term relationship was just the beginning for Leigh Thompson when it comes to life changes. Thankfully she has the one and only Paul Bissonnette at her side to help her handle them all. 

Authors Note: I have finally finished my rewrite!!! *Cue happy dance* While previous parts had an hundred words added here, four hundred added there....I basically doubled the length of what this was previously. You can expect multiple fluffy parts and as before I swear Paul will physically be in the next part. 

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Warnings: none

Word Count: 4,541 (plus all the added image content)

“Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely.” 

The rest of my trip to Arizona was filled with more morning sickness, more tears, and more emotional uncertainty. I had tried sleeping in the guest bedroom again the night after ending up in Paul’s bed after finding out I was pregnant, but it only led to tossing and turning. Just like he’d noticed something was wrong with me being sick, Paul also noticed that I clearly hadn’t slept so after that he’d insisted that I stay in his bed with him so he could hold me, allowing me to actually feel calm enough for sleep to come. 

Though I had initially protested because I was worried it would cross the lines of friends and coworkers, he assured me that his intentions were purely platonic and that he just wanted me to get the sleep my body needed to function and to support the little one growing inside me. My agreement was tentative, but when his actions fully supported his words, I found myself eager to steal as much comfort from his presence and touch as I could. The fact that his body was warm and I had always run cold certainly didn’t hurt either.

I wasn’t ready for my week in Arizona with Paul to come to an end, but the morning of my flight arrived and I found myself reluctantly boarding the plane back east. Returning home meant losing Paul’s physical comfort and support but not once did I lose the emotional, and some days it felt like he was the only thing getting me through. There were nights where I couldn’t fall asleep if I didn’t have his voice speaking softly in my ear. Sometimes it was the podcast or his radio broadcast for Arizona but if I was lucky, he’d call and just talk to me about random things until I would drift off to sleep. While we had texted frequently before I went to Arizona, our conversations were now constant. He was always quick with a supportive pick-me-up or with a joke that never failed to make me smile. At a time where so much was change occurring in my life and my brain was struggling to adapt, he was a constant that steadied me and reminded me that I could handle everything that was coming my way. He had become an unexpected friend, but one that I desperately needed. 

Slowly over the next few weeks, I acclimated to the knowledge that I was expecting a child, that I was going to be a single mother, and I did my best to begin planning for the changes I would need to make. 

One of the first things I needed to do was to see an ob-gyn to make sure that everything was actually going okay with the pregnancy. An appointment soon after arriving home established that I was indeed pregnant, if there had been any doubt left, and I’d gotten to hear the baby’s heartbeat for the first time. 

It was no surprise that I’d cried hearing it and when I sent Paul the little audio clip during our text conversation after the appointment, his response was once again everything I didn’t know that I needed to hear. 

The doctor had a rough guess of my due date based on my hormone levels and what I’d told her about the last time I’d had sex, but I was scheduled for an ultrasound mid-April in order to cement the timeframe for my pregnancy. I knew that I should tell my parents, that keeping this from them was probably a bad idea, but I convinced myself that it wouldn’t hurt to wait until I was certain I was out of the first trimester and that the baby was healthy. Considering that my mother and her cousin had both lost babies at the end of their pregnancies and that none of my mom’s successful pregnancies had been without some complication I felt justified in needing to keep this to myself until the risk of miscarriage decreased. I had shared my concerns with my doctor and with Paul and surprisingly he echoed my doctor’s statements that I was not my mother and that just because she had had complications didn’t mean that I would as well. 

____

Two weeks later, I had my first ultrasound and after leaving the doctor’s office I couldn’t stop staring at the photos. The doctor had assured me that the baby was perfectly healthy and its development was where it should be at 12 weeks along. Pure joy was the predominant emotion of the day and I couldn’t help but want to share that feeling with someone. Since Paul was the only person who knew about the baby aside from my doctor, I couldn’t help but take a picture of my sonogram and text it to him. 

Since he was currently in Toronto and had gone to the Leafs game the night before, I wasn’t expecting a response right away. So when my phone rang only about fifteen minutes after I’d sent the photo and Paul’s picture lit up the screen I couldn’t help but smile. 

“Hey.” I murmured in greeting, setting aside the mail I’d grabbed when I’d gotten home so that I could go curl up on my couch to talk to him. Instead of the greeting I expected on the other end of the line, I instead heard a sharp intake of breath. 

“Wow…that’s…that’s the baby?” He inquired, his tone hinting at wonderment. 

“Yeah, Paul. That’s the little human who has been making me sick for the past month. Pretty cool huh…I can’t stop staring at it.” 

“Yeah..no. I can see why Leigh. So everything’s okay?” He didn’t say it but his tone implied that he knew that I had been worried about the baby’s health and though the doctor had said everything seemed fine weeks ago, visual confirmation was reassuring. 

“Perfect. The baby is healthy, right where they should be development wise. The doctor would like me to get my stress levels down but understands why they’ve been up. Otherwise, I’m healthy too. All is good.” 

“Good. I’m glad. Did you find out your due date?” There was really no way to describe how much I loved that Paul seemed interested in my pregnancy. We were just friends but there was no doubt in my mind that I could go to him about anything and he would listen with no judgment. 

“Yeah. November 5th. Right before the holidays.” It was crazy how fast things seemed to be moving and I was sure that that date would be here before I knew it. 

“That seems so far away but it’s really not.” Again it was like Paul could read my mind and I giggled softly, pressing a palm to my stomach. 

“I know.” Closing my eyes for a moment I yawned softly. “So you’ve been busy in Toronto. Having a good time?” 

Listening to Paul talk about his visit to his parents and his upcoming flight to Vancouver to close on a house made me smile, more occasional yawns escaping my mouth. 

“Hey… you sound tired. Why don’t you and the dustbunny go lay down for a nap?” It took my mind a moment to process that he had just nicknamed the baby and my face crinkled curiously. 

“Dustbunny?” I questioned softly. “Why is my baby a dustbunny Paul?” Teasing affection laced my voice as I waited for an explanation. Though I couldn’t see him, I felt like if I could he would certainly be running his fingers across his scalp with an  embarrassed expression on his face. 

“Are you really going to make me explain my nickname for your child?” He mumbled and I quickly nodded before it processed that he couldn’t see me either. 

“Yes. Yes, I am.” 

“Fine. I don’t know. A Duster…a duster is a guy that sits on the bench a lot collecting dust during games. Which I kind of was.” I could kind of see where he was going with this but kept quiet wanting to see what he’d say. “And you know...I kinda knew about the baby before anyone else so I’m a little attached okay, and so when I started thinking about what I wanted to call the baby that’s what popped into my head and I don’t know...I kinda like it.” 

The fact that he had actually thought about a nickname for the baby instead of just calling it an ‘it’ or ‘baby’ or something like ‘peanut’ made me smile and the fact that what he came up with was attached to him in a way made it even better. It was adorable. 

“That’s really cute. I suppose you can call the baby that and I’m okay with it.” My voice was moist, as it didn’t take too much to make me emotional these days. 

“I’m glad you approve.” He replied, slight sarcasm lingering in the words. “Now go take the dustbunny and lay down for a nap. Doctor says you’re stressing too much so go take it easy. Biz’s orders.” 

“Alright fine. I will. Once I stop staring at the pictures of the baby.” Again if I could see him he would totally be rolling his eyes at me and as I hung up, I couldn’t help but smile at the conversation we’d just had. 

“Guess you’ve got your first nickname little one. You’re a little dustbunny.” 

_______

It was the Thursday before Mother’s Day weekend and I was driving back to my parents’ house because my middle sister was graduating high school on Saturday. Every mile driven was another mile closer to having to tell my parents that I was having a baby. I was already fifteen weeks pregnant and my bump was becoming more and more obvious every day. And now that I was out of the first trimester, my excuse for keeping the news a secret had disappeared. 

But knowing that I had to tell my family, and that it was time didn’t mean that I wasn’t freaking out. Part of me felt silly for being so nervous because yes I was single, but I had a graduate degree and two solid jobs; when my parents had me they had been half a decade younger, unmarried, and had just barely graduated with undergraduate degrees. I was in a much better position than they had been and yet I still worried about what they’d think about the fact that my baby’s father was never going to be in the picture. 

After stopping for lunch and gas, I climbed back into my car and just sat there trying to calm the nerves that were building inside me. Almost like he knew I needed him, my phone rang with Paul’s picture appearing and I answered softly, the hitch in my breath alerting him to my distress as always. There was something about hearing his voice that was immediately calming and I closed my eyes for a moment just listening to him telling me to breathe and counting softly until I was finally able to push away some of the anxiety that was creeping into my mind. Deciding that I was of sound enough mind to start driving again, I put Paul on speaker through my car’s sound system. 

“So hey…” Paul started, his tone changing a bit from consoling me to trying to provide a distraction so that I didn’t end up drowning in my own mind again. “I was bored on my flight to Vancouver yesterday and I ended up googling some stuff you’ll find pretty cool. Dustbunny is currently the size of a pear. That’s still pretty fucking tiny but I know he or she still has lots of time to keep growing.” I had an app on my phone that told me this kind of thing every week but his attempt at distraction was working and I was amused by the fact that he had researched this of all things on his flight yesterday. 

“Dustbunny also has see-through skin which is weird but awesome and it’s made even cooler by the fact that he or she finally has bones that are becoming hard and can be seen on xray.” The awe that laced Paul’s voice had my smile widening and I couldn’t help but think that even though my baby didn’t have a dad, they had an awesome Uncle Paul and that made him or her pretty lucky. 

“Also...dustbunny’s ears and eyes are finally almost where they should be on his or her head which is good because otherwise I’d have to beat up a bunch of kids for teasing them and I figure that’s probably frowned upon.” He was so matter of fact with the statement of protection that I felt a chuckle slipping from my throat and when he spoke again it was obvious he’d heard it and was now smiling. “And you haven’t mentioned feeling the baby yet, but I read that little dustbunny is moving around in there like crazy, kicking and moving his or her arms and legs, practicing so that he or she can become an awesome hockey player like their favorite uncle.” 

It was then that Paul transitioned from what he’d read about the baby’s development to all of the things he wanted to teach them when they finally arrived. The conversation between the two of us continued…well he did most of the talking and I mostly listened...until I was pulling off the exit ramp in my hometown. Paul must have realized I was almost home when I cracked the windows for a bit of fresh air now that I was on back roads because he stopped mid-sentence and spoke my name softly. 

“Hey...just so you know, it’s all gonna be fine. I know you’re nervous but your parents love you and they’re gonna have your back. Plus you’ve said you’re fairly sure your sisters are going to be excited so if nothing else, just focus on that.” He declared and I took a deep breath, nodding to myself. “And you know you can call me whenever. I’m just a few taps on a screen away.” 

________

Upon arriving home, my middle sister, Amanda, let me inside pulling me into a hug and we spent the rest of the afternoon talking about her plans now that she was finally done with her primary education. Shortly after, my baby sister Taylor, and mom arrived home and when I hugged the latter I prayed that she wouldn’t notice the baby bump sticking from my front. With so much to prepare before more family drove out tomorrow, the four of us set to work in the kitchen, preparing as much of the food for the weekend as we could ahead of time. 

As long as I kept myself busy, it was easy to pretend that I wasn’t about to drop a bombshell on my family. But eventually my dad arrived home from work and we sat down in the living room to eat dinner and watch whatever game show was on tv. I knew that I needed to eat but now that I had stopped moving my stomach was flopping back and forth with nerves. As they all wrapped up eating, I set my still half-full plate aside and bit my lip for a moment. 

“Can I talk to you guys about something for a minute?” I found that as soon as the words came out in a whisper that I had the full attention of everyone else in the room. With my mom looking to my dad to mute the TV, she murmured that of course I could and instantly all the feelings I had bottled up caused tears to prick at my eyes. 

“So um ...your first grandbaby slash niece or nephew is going to be here by Thanksgiving this year.” The silence was overwhelming and I found myself unable to meet the gaze of anyone in the room. 

“Are you pregnant?” It was Taylor that asked the million dollar question and when I simply nodded she squealed before dashing around the couch to hug me. Neither of my parents said a word for a long moment and I swallowed hard awaiting their reaction. 

“How?” The question that left my mom’s mouth wasn’t the most appropriate one because I knew that she obviously knew the answer to that, otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here. When further questions of ‘how far along I was’ and ‘where was the father’ came forth I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair, one hand falling to my stomach. 

“I’m fifteen weeks...and he’s not in the picture.” Though my mother masked her anger well, I could tell that she was upset so after taking a sip of water to clear my throat I continued. “I...I didn’t know how to tell you. I….I didn’t take the news so well myself at first and by the time I adjusted I had myself so worked up over everything that I decided to wait until I was out of the first trimester before I told anyone.” By this point, Amanda had shifted across the couch and was rubbing my back gently as I attempted to explain myself.

“But the baby and I are healthy. And we’re gonna be okay. I just hope you guys can support me through this because I really need you.” Wrapped in the arms of both my sisters, I let myself cry for a moment. I had counted on them being the fastest to adapt because I was their big sister and not viewed in the same light as I was by my parents. “As for baby’s dad...I’ll be honest with you. The story the world is going to hear is that he was a one night stand and I don’t know who he is; because that’s just easier. The truth...the truth is that we were together for eight months before he broke up with me and I have no plans on telling him about the baby. I know you might think that’s wrong but shortly after he ended things I found out that he’d been cheating on his long-time girlfriend with me and that they’re now married. I am not putting my baby through the hassle of a split home and custody issues when I can do this by myself. He did nothing but lie to me and I don’t want my baby around him.” 

Finishing my spiel, I realized that my father was no longer in the room and I held my breath trying not to assume the worst from that fact. My mother was silent before eventually coming over, pulling me to my feet, and giving me a hug. 

“You’re gonna be a great mom sweetheart. I’ve never had any doubts about that.” That validation from her was exactly what I needed and I sunk into her embrace feeling more of the tension I’d been holding in leave. “I just wish you hadn’t waited so long to tell me...I hate that you’ve been dealing with this on your own for months.” After a moment, I pulled back just a bit and sighed. 

“I uh...technically there’s one person that knows besides my doctor. I was visiting one of my coworkers and he’s actually the one that figured out I was pregnant. So he knows and has talked me down from the ledge a few times, he’s been a really good friend.” Surprisingly, my mother seemed okay with that and just held me close for a few minutes, her fingers carding through my hair drawing most of the remaining tension from my body. Eventually though, Taylor spoke up again, her tone full of excitement. 

“Well..do you have any pictures of the baby?” She asked and I found myself laughing at her eagerness as I nodded. 

“Of course I do. I also have a recording of the baby’s heartbeat.” From the moment I played the audio for the first time and pulled up the set of ultrasound pictures on my phone I knew that at least most of my family was on my side. Showing off my growing baby bump and hearing their reactions as to how cute it was lifted my spirits even further. 

It wasn’t until I stepped into the kitchen a little while later to get more water that I truly got my father’s reaction. Part of me was surprised when he tapped my shoulder before wrapping me in another hug where he mumbled that he loves me and was there for whatever I needed. Overall, the conversation with my parents and sisters had gone for the most part how I’d expected and hoped that it would. Unsurprisingly, there was a bit of disappointment at the situation, but once everyone got past that initial reaction it was clear that I had their support and that this baby was going to be very loved. As I snuggled up on the sofa bed to sleep that night, I texted Paul just to let him know that everything was okay and to thank him for earlier. 

______

The arrival of extended family for Amanda’s graduation made me nervous. It was another group of people I needed to tell that I was expecting and another group of people whose reactions I wasn’t certain of. Unsure of how to break the news and wanting the weekend to be about my sister, I kept quiet both Friday and Saturday, just enjoying the time I had with my family. 

On Sunday morning, my mom was hosting a big brunch for everyone to celebrate my sister’s graduation as well as Mother’s Day. Getting up early, I hopped in the shower before getting dressed in a pair of shorts and a flowy blouse which would once again hide my bump. My grandmother was already in the kitchen with my mom while Taylor and my dad set up the backyard so that there was room for people to sit. It wasn’t more than two minutes after I’d stepped into the kitchen offering to help that Amanda came into the room carrying a bouquet of flowers. 

The flowers took me by surprise because my mom already had the bouquet from my dad in a vase on the counter, so I wasn’t sure where these came from or who they were for. After all, the house was going to be full of women today who were moms and could be getting flowers delivered. Setting the flowers down, Amanda handed me the card that was inside them and seeing my name on the front of the envelope I opened it, slipping the card out. 

Inside the card was a slip of paper which listed the flowers as anemones and explained that they represented anticipation and protection. 

Reading the card to myself twice I couldn’t help but start crying, the gesture meaning more than I could explain. The flowers were absolutely perfect and the fact that he sent something so fitting sent a chill down my spine. Amanda sent me a smile as I excused myself for a moment, needing to pull myself together. 

By the time I’d returned to the kitchen, card securely tucked into my pocket, more of my family had arrived and were chatting in the kitchen. Pouring myself a glass of orange juice I listened as my aunt commented on the flowers and how different and pretty they were to my mother, believing they had been sent for her. 

Quickly my mother pointed out her own mother’s day bouquet and my aunt then questioned whether they had been delivered for Amanda’s graduation. When my sister shook her head everyone looked around curiously and after a nod of encouragement from both my mom and sister I spoke up. 

“They were delivered for me.” I explained, a soft blush gracing my cheeks. “A friend sent them for Mother's Day,” I added, watching as everyone’s faces started to shift processing the implications of my words. 

“You’re pregnant?” It was a family friend who was like an aunt to me that asked the question, and the excitement in her tone forced a beaming smile onto my face. 

“Yeah. I’m pregnant.” I admitted causing the room to burst with a mixture of excitement, disbelief, and concern. Accepting some hugs I tried not to let my emotions become too much. Addressing the more reserved members of my family I spoke as confidently as I could manage. 

“This wasn’t planned and no the father isn’t in the picture. But that’s okay, I’ve made my peace with it and I know it won’t be easy, trust me it has been anything but so far, but I’m excited, I already love this baby so much.” 

After a moment, the rest of my family seemed to come to terms with the announcement and I was pulled into more hugs, causing me to tear up while laughing to myself softly. 

My grandmother was the first to ask if I had any pictures. Nodding, I smiled and opened my phone to show off my baby’s first ultrasound photos. Everyone wanted to know how far along I was and seemed shocked when I admitted that I was almost sixteen weeks along. 

After about fifteen minutes of baby talk, it was my cousin that moved the conversation back to the flowers in a way, asking about who had sent them. 

“Just a friend and one of the guys I work on the podcast with.” I stated softly. I knew that everyone would wonder how many people knew before they did and so I answered the question before it was asked. “He’s the only one besides the people in this house that knows. He was with me when I found out. Actually, he suspected that I was pregnant and insisted on taking me to the doctor. He’s kept me from losing my mind as I processed the news.” 

“And the card?” Laughing, I pulled the card from my pocket, reading it aloud. Everyone was impressed by the fact that he even put the effort in to pick out something beyond the standard carnation and when I explained what the flowers were supposed to mean they ‘awe’d’ commenting on how fitting that was. As expected the next question was about the term dustbunny and I shook my head declaring that there wasn’t really an explanation for it other than that it was hockey lingo that he’d adapted into a nickname for the baby. I mentioned that it was something I loved because it was different and personal and unique to my baby given to it by someone who had been in our corner from the start. 

Now that the news was out there, I couldn’t help but feel relieved that my baby was no longer a secret. It was the perfect way to spend my first Mother's Day and I couldn’t help but be grateful that Paul made it so easy to share the news by providing a natural transition into the subject. 

Somehow he made everything easier and I was so grateful to have him in my life. 

Social Media Updates: 

[spine-buster]

Alone, Together | Chapter 19 | Morgan Rielly

A/N:  Prepare your feels, guys.  I apologize in advance because it gets a bit dark. TW: mention of abuse, alcohol abuse, death

“So, like…how old were you when you learned how to skate?” Bee asked nervously as her leg was tucked between Morgan’s thighs.  

“Three,” he said, concentrating more on tightening and fastening the skate on her foot; he wanted to make sure it wasn’t too tight so her feet had enough room to breathe, but so tight as to suffocate them.  It was a delicate balance.  

“So you’ve had a little bit of practice then,” she said, making a bad joke.  Morgan looked up at her, a smirk on his face.   “Sorry.”

“There’s no reason to be nervous, Bumblebee,” he said, tightening the laces one last time.  “It’s not like I’m gonna throw you out there and let you fend for yourself.”

“I know,” she nodded her head, looking out at the rink in Hollyburn Country Club and all the people skating on it already.  “I’m just nervous about making a complete ass of myself.”

“Impossible.”

“How so?”

“Cause you’ve got a great teacher,” he winked, grabbing her other leg and putting it between his thighs.  “How does the first skate feel?”

“Good.”

“Yoohoo!  Over here!” they both heard Shirley’s voice call from beside them.  She had her phone in her hand, pointed towards them.  “Smile for the camera!”  They did as they were told, and she snapped a cute picture, giving them thumbs up before walking back towards Andy, who was waiting for her at the entrance to the ice.  

From behind Morgan, Connor knocked on the glass, and Bee could hear him yell “Hurry up!” through the glass before skating away.  She giggled as she watched Morgan tie up the skate and set her foot down.  “How does that one feel?”

“Good.  You promise not to let go?” she asked as she stood up.  

“Just like swimming,” he nodded his head, getting onto the ice before her.  “Bend your knees a little bit, okay?  You can’t start with stiff knees.”

Bee held on to Morgan’s hands as she stepped out onto the ice, slipping almost automatically, unable to keep her balance.  Morgan’s strong arms pulled her back up as she yelped in fear.  “Heeeeyyy hey hey hey, calm down, calm down.  Take it slow.  You can’t be Connor McDavid right away.”

“Who’s Connor McDavid?”

“Forget it,” he laughed.  “Just stand, okay?  Forget trying to make strides.  Just stand and get used to the feeling of the blades under your feet.”

Bee listened intently to Morgan as he patiently, painstakingly, taught her how to skate.  She clung onto his hands for dear life half the time, pleading for him not to let go, and he was so patient with her, not once telling her to let go unless she was ready.  When she finally was, he was her biggest fan, cheering her on as he skated backwards and she skated towards him.  Eventually, she grew confident enough to skate away from the boards, not relying on them to save her in case she fell and had to get up.  She was even skating with her hands relaxed at her sides and not straight out to help her keep her balance.  She even held hands with Morgan as he slowed down to skate with her, helping her stop and turn when she got too close to the boards.  She wasn’t exactly Connor McDavid – whoever that was – but she was gliding along the ice nonetheless.  She couldn’t believe she’d waited 23 years to skate.  

After about an hour and a half, Bee was tired and Shirley had approached Morgan to tell him some kids were waiting for him to get his autograph and a picture.  Bee gave him a quick kiss before she skated off and Morgan skated towards the kids.  She sat on the same bench as she had before when Morgan was fastening her skates, resting her legs as she watched him pose for picture after picture.  She felt her phone buzz from her back pocket and moved to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Angie’s voice was heard on the other end.  “What are you up to right now?” she asked. ��They had been texting throughout Bee’s time there, so Angie didn’t need to ask how everything was going.  

“Just watching Morgan sign some autographs,” she said.

“He took you to an autograph signing?”

“No no.  We’re at the country club his family are members of, and all the kids swarmed him on the ice after he taught me how to skate.”

“A country club?  That’s adorable,” Angie said quickly.  “Um, listen.  I’m calling you to ask you for a favour.”

“What favour is that?” Bee asked, worried about Angie’s quick tone.

“I think it’s time to put your Instagram on private now, and I’d delete everyone you don’t know personally.”

Bee’s heart skipped a beat.  She and Angie had talked about the messages, but this was the first time Angie had cautioned her to go private.  Usually, Angie contributed a ‘fuck them’ or ‘You should put on all the most expensive stuff you bought and take a picture with Morgan and caption it go to hell’.  She’d never sounded so serious about it a she did now.  “Why?”

“Listen, I don’t want to freak you out, but they’re adding me now, and asking me questions about you.  I’m not saying they’re harassing me – quite the opposite actually because I’m the one telling them to fuck off – but I don’t want them to start doing that to anyone else,” she explained.  “I think it’s great that you don’t care about what they have to say, but I don’t want them bothering more and more people.”

“Yeah.  Yeah of course,” Bee said absent-mindedly.  “Fuck Angie, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” she said.  “They’re desperate and they don’t know boundaries.  When everybody shares everything on social media, they think they’re entitled to see everything about your life, and they don’t get that they’re not.”

“Exactly.”

“Just be careful.  Work on it as soon as possible.  Again, I know you don’t care about what they have to say, but I think now is the time to cut them off.”

“Yeah.  Yeah okay,” Bee gulped.  “Angie, what did they say to you?  Was it horrible?”

“No, nothing like that.  They’ve just been asking question about you, like what you do and if you’re dating Morgan.  One girl asked if I had any pictures of you two together.  It was really weird.  But I told them all to fuck off.”

“Angie, I feel horrible.”

“Don’t feel horrible because they don’t know boundaries.  It was fine if it was just one or two of them, but then there was a horde and it just became annoying,” she explained.  “And you know me, I’m a petty person – at least I can be.  If I were you, I’d post a single picture of you and Morgan before you go private and delete everyone.  Kick ‘em where it really hurts.”

Bee couldn’t help but laugh at her suggestion.  “I’ll think about it.”

***

Later that day, during their last night in Vancouver, Bee found herself at dinner with Morgan and his parents at the exclusive Gotham Restaurant in downtown Vancouver.  Morgan wanted to go out with a bang, apparently, because caviar was $150, then they had to get a round of oysters, the bottle of cabernet franc from Napa Valley was $345, and Bee’s filet and lobster with mashed potatoes and asparagus was a $100 plate alone.  He told the waiter everything like it was an order at McDonalds.  Though she was somewhat getting used to the big spending – at least to her standards – this was pretty extravagant.  But all she could do was blink and smile as she tallied the expense of everyone’s order.  Maybe she should have become a waitress instead, because theirs was going to get one hell of a tip tonight.  

Despite trying to feel accustomed to the extravagance around her, she was genuinely having fun with Morgan and his parents.  They were sharing stories of Morgan’s youth and what he was like as a kid, and Shirley kept sharing pictures she had on her phone of him as a kid (“I always keep some on here in case Hockey Night in Canada wants to do a quick something on him when the Leafs come to town.”).  Andy and Shirley even went so far as to tell embarrassing stories of what he would call about during his first year in Toronto when he was attempting to cook for himself.  Bee learned that he was completely useless, and that eventually the calls stopped because he just admitted defeat and ordered most of his food.

As they continued to laugh and share stories, Bee felt her phone buzz from inside her bag.  She decided to ignore it at first, but not even one minute later it was buzzing again, and she couldn’t ignore it anymore.  She quickly unclasped her purse and looked at her phone.  In large caps lock font, ‘TORONTO POLICE SERVICES’ flashed on her screen.  

Her heart began to race.  She looked up quickly at Andy and Shirley, and looked down at her phone screen again.  She couldn’t tell them that that the police were calling her, but she needed a way out.  She had to think fast.  “I’m really sorry,” she announced, getting up from her seat quickly.  “I’m really sorry, but U of T is calling me.  I have to take this.”

“That’s alright honey,” Shirley smiled.  Bee was thankful they had already finished their meal and were just waiting on their dessert orders anyway.  “You go ahead.  I’ll make sure Morgan doesn’t eat your crème brulee.”

Bee made a beeline away from the table and swiped across her screen to answer the phone call so she wouldn’t lose it again.  She made her way towards the long hallway that led to the washrooms, hoping she’d get decent service and enough silence to be able to hear.  “Hello?”

“Hello, am I speaking with Ms. Briony McTavish?”

“Speaking.”

“Ms. McTavish, my name is Greg Campbell.  I’m calling from the Toronto Police Department, 51 Division.  Do you have a few moments to speak with me?”

Bee furrowed her brows.  “Uh, of course.  Is everything okay?” she asked.  She didn’t remember doing anything illegal, and the only other reason they could be calling her was the break and enter from November.  She figured since so much time had passed, they never found anything.

“Ms. McTavish, are you currently residing in Toronto?”

“Y-Yes…” she answered.  “I mean, I’m not in Toronto right now – I’m in Vancouver visiting my boyfriend’s parents – but yes, I live permanently in Toronto,” she explained.

“And Ms. McTavish, according to records I have on file here, you were legally emancipated from your mother, Ms. Sharon McTavish, when you were sixteen years old.”

Bee’s body stiffened at the mention of her mother.  “Yes I was.  My mother was a serious alcoholic.”

“Have you been in touch with your mother since you were emancipated from her?”

“No,” Bee said definitively.  “She barely showed love or affection throughout my whole life with her, and I thought it best for my mental health not to keep in contact with her after the emancipation.  She has never tried to contact me either.”

“Ms. McTavish, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable with these questions – I just need to get the specifics of the case --”

“What case is that?”

Greg hesitated on the other end.  “Ms. McTavish, I regret to inform you that your mother has passed away.  She was found dead on the morning of Friday, January 25th due to cirrhosis of the liver.”

Bee went quiet.  Her mother was dead.  Found dead.  Dead due to cirrhosis of the liver.  Dead.  Morning of Friday.  Whale watching.  She was whale watching and her mother was dead.  The silence between the two was long before Bee verbalized her first thought out loud.  “She’s dead.”

“Yes ma’am.  She passed away early Friday morning.  Her body was found by a volunteer at the homeless shelter where she was staying that night.”

If it was possible, her body stiffened even more.  “She was homeless?”

“Well, temporarily.  She was at the Fred Victor Homeless Shelter here in Moss Park.  According to the facilitators she was in-between housing, but that’s where she was,” Greg said.

Bee took a sharp breath in hearing that name again.  She took a moment to collect herself before trying to formulate a thought other than ‘She’s dead’.  “Um…so, what are my next steps then?”

“Well Ms. McTavish, you were the only person listed as being of relation to Sharon, so you automatically become in charge of her estate,” Greg explained.  Bee was thoroughly surprised she was still listed under anything to do with her mother, even after the emancipation.  “There is…not much, as you can imagine, but some decisions still have to be made.  And as the defacto executor of her estate, you may choose the next steps – if you would like her buried, or cremated…”

“Um…” Bee looked quickly back at Morgan and his parents sitting at the table.  His mom was taking a sip of wine while Morgan was nodding at something his dad was saying.  Morgan broke out into a grin soon after, as did his dad.  Morgan looked over to Bee’s empty seat.  “When…I mean, when do I have to make these decisions?”

“Well I understand that you’re in Vancouver, but is there an expected date for your return?”

“Um, I’ll be back Friday night, actually.”

“Well, then I will give you my contact information, and when you get back, I can meet with you at the station and explain your next options,” Greg offered kindly.  “I don’t want to rush you to make decisions, and I know you were clearly not close with your mother and haven’t been in contact with her for a while, but do you think there will be a funeral service?”

“No.”

“Or a burial?”

“Cremation. I don’t…I don’t want anything fancy.”

“Alright Ms. McTavish.  We will speak when you’re back in Toronto.”

Bee hung up the phone, looking down at it until the screen went dark and she couldn’t even formulate a coherent thought about the conversation she just had.  Her mother was dead.  Her mother – whom she hadn’t seen or spoken to for seven years – was dead.  Her mother, the serious alcoholic.  The emotional abuser.  The not-a-mother-at-all.  She tried to compose herself, even though she wasn’t crying at all, as she looked back at Morgan and his parents.  They were still laughing about something.  

She returned to the table, trying to mask her uneasiness at the phone conversation she just had.  She pulled out her chair, getting the attention of everyone.  “Everything okay?” Andy asked as she settled back into her seat.

“Everything’s fine,” she nodded her head quickly, tucking herself in and stuffing her phone back into her bag.  

“You sure?  Who was it?” Morgan asked, grabbing her hand gently underneath the table.  

“It was just a registrar from U of T,” she lied, smiling at him.  “Just wanted to confirm something on my transcript before they printed my copy for the interview.”

She could feel his thumb rubbing her hand gently as his dad recapped the story he had been telling quickly before continuing it.  She felt bad about lying, but there was no way in hell she was going to say something and ruin such a perfect night.  Though she smiled and laughed along, squeezing Morgan’s hand as it rested on her thigh, all she could think about was the image of her mom lying on a bed in a homeless shelter.

Dead.

***

When they arrived back at the Rielly house that night after dinner, Bee made sure to pack up her belongings, save for what she was going to need tomorrow morning and wear on the flight.  To be respectful to Morgan’s parents, she and Morgan had stayed in their respective rooms the entire trip, not daring to try to sneak into each other’s, but tonight he was with her, helping her pack and getting everything ready.  His parents had already called it a night and were in their room at the opposite end of the house.  The house was so big that they probably wouldn’t even have known or heard if either of them had snuck into the other’s room at night.  

To be completely honest, Bee wanted nothing more than that to happen tonight.  She didn’t know what she was feeling in relation to the news she got after dinner, but she knew that she didn’t want to be alone.  She knew that she wanted Morgan with her, around her in some capacity.  

When they were finished packing everything and had changed into their pajamas, Morgan watched as Bee stared at the wall absent-mindedly, something obviously bothering her.  He came up behind her and sat on the bed beside her, giving her a quick kiss on the temple and leaving a trail of kisses on her shoulder.  “Briony…” he mumbled against her skin.

“Hmm?”

“Are you sure it was just U of T that called at dinner?” Morgan asked.

She knew he would ask sooner or later.  She’d tried not to let anything show, but besides Angie, there was nobody more in tune with her emotions than Morgan.  She knew he’d pick up on it.  “Why?”

“Listen, I don’t mean to pry.  It’s just I noticed that you were a bit different since you got back.  My mom noticed it too because she’s sensitive about these things but she didn’t want to say anything.  Is…is everything okay?”

Bee let out a shaky breath, one that, truthfully, she had been holding in since she got the call.  “Mo…”

He grabbed her had and brought it up to his lips to kiss it gently.  “What’s the matter, Bumblebee?  Tell me.”

“It wasn’t U of T that called.”

“Okay.  Who was it?”

“It was a guy named Greg Campbell.  He’s a police officer with 51 Division in Toronto.”

Morgan looked at her skeptically.  “You’re telling me after all this time they found your stuff?”

“No…it’s not…” she shook her head.  She let out another shaky breath before continuing.  “Um, he called me to tell me my mom passed away.  A volunteer at a homeless shelter found her, and she died from cirrhosis of the liver.”

Bee could practically see Morgan’s heart fall into his stomach.  He opened his mouth a few times to say something, but nothing came out for a while, until, “Oh my God, Briony…wh…why didn’t you say something?”

“I wasn’t going to say something at dinner with your parents,” she said.

“Briony, your mother passed away.”

“I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.  She’s dead, and I always knew she was going to die from the alcoholism, so this isn’t as much of a surprise to me as you think it is,” she explained.  “I don’t…I’m not upset by this.  I haven’t spoken to her in seven years.  She was abusive.”

It was the first time she had said the words so definitively out loud.  She was abusive.  They weren’t pretty words, but they needed to be said.  And Morgan needed to hear them.  It was the reason she wasn’t crying.  She couldn’t feel sadness or sympathy for her abuser, or for a woman who wasted her life on alcohol instead of caring for her daughter.  

Morgan had no choice but to accept what she was saying.  He could tell her ‘But that’s your mom’ over and over again until he was blue in the face, but it wasn’t going to have an effect on Bee.  To Bee, Sharon wasn’t a mom.  There was nothing that could convince her that she was.  And truthfully, Morgan knew she was right.  And if that’s the way Bee felt, then that’s the way he felt about it too.  If she didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, then he would try not to make a big deal out of it either.  “She…cirrhosis of the liver?  What is that?”

“It’s complicated, but just know it’s not good.  It’s a common by-product of severe alcoholism,” she explained.  “But the fact of the matter is that she died.  When we go back to Toronto, I have to deal with her funeral and her estate.”

“I’ll come with you,” he said automatically.

“You don’t--”

“I want to,” he interrupted her.  “What did I tell you?  You don’t have to go through this stuff alone anymore.  We’re going to go through this stuff together.”

Bee looked at him.  All 6’1” of him, blonde hair, blue eyes, muscles tucked into pajama shorts and an old t-shirt.  He was so boyish and so handsome and he had his pick of any girl in Toronto and he managed to choose the one with the fucked up childhood and alcoholic mother who had just died.  And he was still here after learning all that.  He still flew her to Vancouver to meet his parents.  He still volunteered to see a dead alcoholic’s body ravaged by cirrhosis.  She didn’t deserve him.  “Morgan?”

“Mhmm?”

“Can you…can you just like, hold me?”

“C’mere, Bumblebee,” he moved to hold her in his arms as he tucked them both into bed.  She used his chest as a pillow as he wrapped both his arms around her.  “I love you Briony.  We’re going to get through this together.”

“I love you too.  And I know we will,” she said, looking up at him.

He gave her a quick kiss.  “I don’t know what you’re feeling right now, and I know I won’t be able to understand, but you’re allowed to feel whatever you want,” he said.  “I know that she was your mom, but she was a horrible mom, so there’s gonna be, like, a range of emotions.  But you’re allowed to feel it all.  Don’t think you’re not.”

“I’ll be okay, Mo,” she said, giving him another quick kiss before relaxing her head on his chest.  He ran his fingers through her hair soothingly, reducing all the stiffness and pent up emotion she had in her.  She knew he would try to stay awake as long as possible, just in case she said anything or wanted to talk about it further, but after a while, she felt his heartbeat steady, and she knew he was asleep.

***

Bee had slept all of twenty minutes at most.  When she looked over at the alarm clock and it read 3am, she sighed heavily.  She didn’t know what to do.  She wanted to sleep, she really did, but every time she closed her eyes and her mind started to drift, an image from her childhood would reappear, and she’d snap her eyes open and be wide awake again.  Images of her mom passed out on the couch when she got home from school; of sitting at the kitchen table doing homework, watching her mom open another bottle on the kitchen counter; of looking up at her mom sleeping on the bed in the homeless shelter while she was sleeping on the floor using her backpack as a pillow.  

Slowly but surely, she manoeuvred herself out of Morgan’s grasp, sitting on the edge of the bed for a while, staring out the window into the pristine darkness of the West Vancouver sky.  Her mother was dead.  She always knew she would have to say that one day, but she didn’t imagine it being so soon.  A small part of her actually thought she wouldn’t have to say that one day, because nobody would contact her to tell her, so she wouldn’t know at all.  But she knew now, and she couldn’t get it out of her head.  

After coming to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t be able to sleep, she thought going to the kitchen and grabbing a glass of water was a better alternative to looking out of a window into darkness.  She tip-toed quietly down the stairs and made her way there, grabbing a glass and trying to figure out how to work the built-in icemaker on the Rielly’s new fridge that looked like it belonged in space rather than a house.  When she couldn’t figure it out, she resorted to just getting water from the tap and drinking it warm.  

“Are you okay?” Bee suddenly heard a voice whisper.  She jumped dramatically, turning around to see Andy standing at the entrance of the kitchen in his pajamas with a bathrobe on.

“Oh God.  I’m sorry.  You scared me,” her hand went over her heart.  

“Why are you apologizing?” he asked, laughing a bit.  “You thirsty?”

“Uh, yeah…” she said, looking down at the glass of tap water in her hand.  “I couldn’t figure out how to use your space fridge to get ice though.”

Andy snorted.  “Maybe we should go back to using ice trays,” he laughed, pulling open the fridge door to get out the orange juice.  He grabbed a glass and set it down on the table, pulling out a chair.  “Sit, honey.”

Bee didn’t want to say no.  There was no reason she could have, anyway, so she took the invitation and sat in a seat opposite of him as he poured orange juice into his cup.  She watched as he took a long gulp, swallowing almost half of the juice he just poured, before he focused his attention back to her.  “Was everything okay after dinner?”

Bee tried to look away from him but she couldn’t.  He was staring right at her and she was sitting across from him and there was no way in hell she could deny him an answer.  The only thing she could do was prolong it.  “Why do you ask?”

Andy shuffled a bit in his seat.  “Listen.  I don’t mean to pry,” he said, starting the conversation the exact same way Morgan did.  God, now she really knew where he got it from.  “Shirley and I just noticed a little bit of a…shift when you came back.  I just want to make sure everything is okay.”

She decided to just come right out with it.  “How much has Morgan told you about my mom?”

Andy looked taken aback by the question.  It wasn’t like she was trying to call his bluff or anything – she knew Morgan had told his parents about it, as evident from the conversation she had with Shirley on their first day here – but she wondered if he talked about it more with his mom, or if Shirley told Andy.  His answer was important because it determined how she would start and handle the conversation.  “Morgan’s told me about her addiction issues.  How she was an alcoholic,” he clarified.  “A pretty severe one, it seemed.  And how you guys moved around a lot because of it.”

Bee nodded her head.  “Well, that phone call at dinner was from a police officer named Greg Campbell.  He called to let me know my mom passed away.  She was found dead in a homeless shelter due to cirrhosis of the liver.”

Andy stayed quiet.  It wasn’t a lot of information to take in, but it was a stab in the heart nonetheless.  Over the past few days he’d been able to see how happy she made his son, and it was something he loved to see.  To hear that she had gotten a phone call like that, on her last night of what was supposed to be a vacation, was horrible.  “I’m very sorry to hear that,” he said solemnly.

“And that’s the thing – I’m not,” she admitted for the first time out loud.  “I know…I know that sounds harsh and rude and completely…inhuman, but I’m not sad about it.  I’m not sorry.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t be sorry for someone that never acted like a real mother,” she said gingerly.  She ran the risk of exposing her entire heart and soul to her boyfriend’s father over the kitchen table at three o’clock in the morning, but right now, she didn’t care.  “She was never loving.  She was never caring.  She never did anything to prove herself worthy of the title of being called mom.  She cared more about herself and her addiction than she ever did me.”

“That’s understandable --”

“Plus,” she inadvertently interrupted him, “she never worked to make herself better.  I can’t feel sad for a person that caused me so much pain in my life, regardless of whether or not she was my mother.  She never acted like it.  And after not seeing her for almost seven years, I don’t even feel a connection to her anymore.  Quite frankly, even when I was living with her, I hardly did.”

“I get it, Briony.  I get it as much as I can get it,” he said.  She was thankful he acknowledged that he could never truly know.  “I know how much pain she caused you and I know she didn’t make your life easy.  You don’t have to feel sympathy or sadness.  She doesn’t deserve that from you and I get it.  But you have to be feeling something.”

Bee was scared to reveal what she was really feeling.  She knew if she verbalized it, if she put it out in the open, that it would become real.  It would no longer just be something she felt internally, something she could lie about to people’s faces to make them think she was fine.  “I feel…I feel relief,” she finally admitted, to herself and to Andy.  A stray tear fell down her cheek, and she wiped it away quickly.  One tear was too many to shed.  “I feel like I giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel like it’s finally…over.  That I can move on.  I don’t have to think about her anymore.  I won’t toss and turn at night thinking about what has happened to me.  I won’t lie awake thinking about what she could be doing or who she could be with or what she could have been up to these seven years, if the alcoholism got worse, if she got into anything else.  I just…I don’t have to think about it anymore.  It’s done.  It’s done.”

Andy moved his chair so he was closer to her before putting a comforting hand on her forearm.  “It’s okay to feel that way.”

“Is it?”

“Yes.  Absolutely,” he said firmly, nodding his head.  “You have every right to feel that way and it is one hundred percent validated by what you went through, and don’t let anybody try to convince you otherwise.  She was an awful mother, and you separated yourself and got out of that situation as quickly as you could, and if anybody needs to be commended in this situation, it’s you.”

“There was one time…” she began, shaking her head to herself, wondering if she should even tell him the story.  The only other person she’d told was Angie – she hadn’t even told Morgan.  “There was one time, I must have been 11 or 12.  I was so angry at her one day.  We had no food in the apartment, nothing – I had been eating saltine crackers for dinner for at least four days.  She was standing at the kitchen counter opening another bottle of vodka she’d bought instead.  And I was so angry.  I asked her, ‘Why are you like this?’  And she looked at me – she didn’t even bother answering the question – she just looked at me and said, ‘You’re staring into your future, Bee.  It’s inevitable.  What I am is what you will be.’  And I told her that hell would freeze over before I became a degenerate like her.  And she grabbed…” Bee paused, remembering the moment so vividly in her mind, as if it had just happened yesterday, even going so far as to pretend to grab a glass with her hand for emphasis, “she grabbed the glass that was on the counter, and she hurled it straight towards my head.  I ducked, and it hit the fridge behind me and shattered all over the floor by my feet.  We stared at each other for a few seconds before I said, ‘I hate you with every fibre of my being’.  She didn’t even respond.  She didn’t even grab another glass either, she just took the bottle straight to the couch and began to swig it.”

It was clear Andy was uncomfortable.  To think that a parent could ever do that to a child was incomprehensible to him – it was incomprehensible to most people, not just him.  And yet, she had to live through it.  He quickly wiped a tear that had fallen onto his cheek.  “You were born for a life so much better than what you were placed in,” his voice was soft, still reflecting and picturing the scene she had painted for him in his mind.  

“That’s what I left behind.  That’s the weight that’s been lifted off my shoulders.  I don’t have to think about that anymore.”

“Did it ever happen again?  Did your mother ever hit you?” Andy asked.  

Bee shook her head vehemently.  “She was always too drunk.  It was more so emotional, if we’re referring to abuse.  And, you know, neglect.”

“You deserved so much better.  No child should have had to go through that,” he said, shaking his head.  “I’m so happy you found us Briony.  I’m so happy that you overcame that and you’re here with us now.”

“Thanks, Andy.”

“There’s no reason to thank me.  You did it all yourself.  I’m just thankful that you’re part of our family now.”

A sob escaped her at his last comment.  She couldn’t hold it in anymore, and she let go, letting the tears well up in her eyes despite telling herself she wouldn’t cry.  She didn’t want to shed tears over her mother, but she could shed tears over Andy saying something like that to her.  “You have no idea,” she said, shaking her head.  “You have no idea how amazing these last few days have been.  I’ve never felt so whole in my entire life.”

“I know sweetheart.  I can tell.”

“I can’t even begin to, like…” she couldn’t find the right words as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand.  “I immediately felt this sense of like, warmness from the moment I met Morgan.  He made me feel like I wasn’t alone anymore.  That I had somebody.  He’s been so good to me, Andy.  So patient.  You have to know how good he’s been.  So understanding.  You have to know you raised a good kid.”

“I know, sweetheart.  Morgan adores you.”

“And then this week happened and you and Shirley and Connor have just been so nice and I…I know it’s sad to say but the only other people I’ve felt that with is my best friend’s family.  But you guys are just so good, and I’ve had to pinch myself constantly this entire week.”

“I --”

“I don’t know what I did to deserve that comment you just made, about being part of your family.  I don’t…I don’t know.  But I love Morgan so much, and I know he loves me, and I know I’m gonna spend the rest of my life thanking my lucky stars that all this happened.  And you have to know, you have to know, if hockey ended tomorrow I’d still love him with everything I have in me because he makes me feel so whole --”

“Sweetheart, sweetheart, I know,” Andy stressed, grabbing hold of her hands and squeezing them tightly as she let out a quick ‘I’m not in it for that’.  “I know.  You don’t have to prove yourself to me.  I can see it.  Shirley and I – we can see it.”

“I just don’t want you to think --”

“I was never thinking that at all,” Andy shook his head.  “You’re the farthest thing from what you’re implying and I know how much you care about my son.”  He let go of her hands so she could wipe her remaining tears away.  “Listen to me.  You are deserving of every little good thing that comes your way, via my son or otherwise.  You can’t feel like you don’t deserve it.  Everybody deserves good things to happen to them.”  Bee nodded her head at his words, trying to internalize them as much as possible.  “You’re a great girl Briony, and you deserve the world.  Everybody around you sees it.  You just need to start seeing it too.”

Bee took a couple of minutes to calm down.  She knew that everything Andy had just said was right, and she needed that time to really take it in.  To accept it and own it and live with it as her new life mantra was going to be a separate battle, but right now, she needed to acknowledge the deeply intense heart-to-heart she’d just had, and how she felt much more clear about things – about her future – than she had coming into the conversation.  “Thank you for listening, Andy.”

He smiled.  “There’s no reason to thank me.  This is what dads are for, Briony.”

“I’m sorry if I --”

“Don’t apologize for a single thing,” he said.  “You just remember what I told you.  That’s the only thing you need to do here.  Remember that you are deserving of love.”

“Is everything okay?” Morgan’s voice, groggy and sleepy, was suddenly heard form the entrance of the kitchen.  He stood in his pajamas, taking in the scene before him.  

“Briony and I were just thirsty,” Andy said quickly, giving Bee a quick wink before getting up and putting his glass in the sink.  “She couldn’t work our space fridge to get ice, either.”

“We should go back to using ice trays,” Morgan quipped.  Briony couldn’t help but laugh – he and his father were truly the same person.  She walked towards him, a small smile creeping on her face.  He hoped that in his state, he wouldn’t notice that she had been crying, or that her eyes were red from the tears.  “You okay?” he whispered.  

“Yeah.  Let’s go back to bed,” she said, looking back at Andy.  “Thanks again, Andy.”

“Anytime, sweetheart,” he smiled as they disappeared down the hallway.

When they got back into bed, Bee cuddled closer to Morgan, draping her arm over his torso so she could feel the warmth of his body heat against hers.  “You sure everything is okay?” he whispered.

She nodded her head.  “Yeah.  Andy’s a really good dad,” was all she could say.

“He’s the best,” Morgan agreed, his eyes fluttering closed.  “He’s who I want to be.”

“You’re already there, baby,” she whispered before they both fell asleep.

[jongjongdaein]

Love, Live, and Heal

Word count: 2085

Genre: Angst

Member(characters): Wonwoo, You, Moonbin, Mark, & rest of Seventeen (but as a group)

Summary: Your two best friends die 5 minutes apart, how are you going to cope with it?

You know this if for you, don’t be sad too long. It’s okay to cry and let all your emotions roam free. I’m here whenever you want to talk to me and want to cry and need a shoulder. Don’t shy away from telling what’s wrong or going on in your life okay? Also I wrote this super fast and I don’t know if the story flows well, but its the best I could do with writers block, a pounding headache, a sprained ankle, and a stomach that is hurting like the pits of hell.

“Hey.” Someone sat down right in front of me

“Go away.” I huffed not looking up from my phone

“What, no.”

I roll my eyes as I let out a sigh and look up, my eyes traveled all around his face until it dawned upon me, “Wonwoo what do you want.”

“You’re acting all weird again I don’t like it.” He put his elbows on the seats armrests and started to lean forward, “What’s happening in your life? You haven’t spoken to me in 24 hours.” His eyes held a deep genuine worry

“Nothings wrong.”

“You see when girls say that, they usually mean the complete opposite. So honestly, are you going to tell me or are you going to suffer again by yourself?”

I stayed silent hoping he would drop the topic of conversation and talk about his new choreo that he created.

“Fine.” Wonwoo stood up and looked down at me, his fingers ran through his long shaggy auburn brown hair. It stayed quiet for a few seconds which genuinely felt like centuries, “Don’t tell me. Suffer through something that’s making you really depressed again because you simply cannot tell me what is going on through that head of yours.” He looked away for a split second and back at my drooping head, “It’s not like I cared anyways.” I thought that he had walked away

I never thought that he would give up so easily ever in his life, but after dealing with me not being able to speak about the rough patches in my life, he started to learn how to deal with my stubborn emotions. I wish that he’d pry the answers out of me and that he would always stay by my side. But all things don’t last forever, and some things surely die.

Two days beforehand

I dialed Moonbin’s number into my phone as I waited patiently at the bottom of my apartment for him to arrive.  Moonbin was someone I knew ever since the womb. Our mothers were childhood best friends and they grew up and old together. I always wanted someone like that in my life and god blessed me with Moonbin. We did everything together, from our first cut on the knee, to eating our very first pomegranates, getting our first kiss and special someone, all the way to our very first breakups. You name it, we experienced all together, and I was so grateful to have a bestfriend like him. We hung out everyday until Moonbin’s acceptance into Fantagio as their new trainee. I watched him from behind my computer screen on iTeen and his little web-drama, what a dork. He debuted with the group, Astro with five other equally as dorky, lovable, handsome kids. But for Moonbin and the rest of Astro were all like my older and younger brothers, they were there for me all the time and held a special place in my heart. Moonbin and I stayed in contact until this day, no force could ever pull us apart.

“Moonbin?”

“Hello?”

“Are you almost here?” I sat on the small stairs that led up to the lobby of my apartment and started to clap my feet together

“Yeah I’m almost there, I just stopped by at the bakery. Is Mark there yet?”

Mark, debuted with NCT 127 and is doing such an amazing job in his life. Today was the day he got a rest so he disguised himself and called us up after he hasn’t seen any of us in a while.

Flashback

Mark was a friend we met while in secondary school. He was new to the class and had told us that he was a trainee with SM, everyone started to bombard him with questions and asking him to get signatures and to give out numbers. Moonbin and I were talking as usual in our seats in the back and didn’t bother to look up at the commotion that stirred our class the wrong direction. Mark’s gaze landed upon us and started to walk towards our seats. Of course we were curious as how life was as a trainee and if he got to see the groups and soloists that were with SM, but we knew that this is another life he was supposed to live, that we should give him air and space.

“Hi, I’m Mark. Originally from Vancouver, Canada.” His hands were shoved in his pockets and a bright smile took over his small face

“I’m Moonbin. Originally from Cheongju, South Korea.” He offered his hand to Mark with a similar flashy smile that got his eyes to crease into small dark crescents, Mark took his hand firmly and shook it without hesitation

“I’m _______. Originally from Vancouver, Canada as well.” I laugh and shake my hand a little to signify a ‘Hello’

Marks smile never left his face as fangirls and fanboys started chanting and murmuring on how lucky we were or how we didn’t deserve Mark’s attention. Others were jealous and others were completely done with the whole hype of a soon-to-be idol in our classroom.

Mark and Moonbin realized that they had so much more in common than they thought. Moonbin informed Mark that he auditioned for Fantagio and was waiting to hear back as Mark was telling him the crazy things that happened in SM training sessions and meetings. We all hit it off so well, we soon became the most popular trio in the school. We were called, “The Golden Trio.” We three were inseparable until Moonbin was accepted and had to move away and graduation happened.

Flashback End

“He said he was coming soon I’ll call him right-” I was cut off to a shot gun shot on the other side of the phone, “Moonbin.”

I heard no response, “Moonbin.” I kept repeating his name until I could hear his voice, “Moonbin.”

“Oh my god. _______, I… I don’t know if I’ll see you today.” His voice sent relief through my body but his words sent daggers through my heart

“Moonbin, fuck. God. What do you mean are you okay? What’s happening there?” By now I was on my feet, clear panic written all over my face

I could hear panting and grunting, fast winds blowing by the speaker, “There’s a shooting.”

Those three words, nothing more nothing less. “A…. A….. A what…?” My hand was shaking in fear my eyes filling up with tears, “Run, stay safe. Please.. God..”

Another two gunshots were heard through the phone, this time it was dangerously close. “I….” I heard coughing on the end of the line, “I got……” More coughing, “I got shot in the leg and upper stomach.”

My hand flew to my mouth, covering the shock and denial I was in, “No there’s no way. Tell me you’re kidding. Moonbin I can’t lose you. Please…” My voice was shaking now, my hands couldn’t stop shaking.

“I can’t move, everything hurts.” He moaned into the phone

“Moonbin please. Don’t close your eyes.” I warned him as sobs slowly escaped my mouth

“I’m tired though…” HIs voice slowly got softer by the passing millisecond

“Moonbin…. Moon please don’t die like this you have Astro waiting for you. You have everything waiting for you ahead. I can’t let you die like this what are you doing…” My hands wiped away the tears that escaped from both my eyes

The line went silent. With softs screams and loud ones filling up the line, fast footsteps surrounded my ears. Pedestrians yelling, “This man needs help instantly!” Fangirls recognizing Moonbin and screaming that their idol was close to dead.  Pedestrians calling the police and shouting, “The culprit is getting in the car! He’s driving away!” My eyes started to become blurry and I hung up and called Mark right away who was driving over with his manager.

“Mark…” I started to sob

“Hey! I’m- Are you crying?” His voice was worrying

“Moonbin… He…..-” I tried to get my words out but sobs just kept coming out of my mouth leaving me incoherent

I heard another voice in the background, “What is this stupid black car doing, he’s driving on the wrong side of the road.” My eyes widened, not them too.

“MARK. PUT ME ON SPEAKERPHONE RIGHT NOW.” Mark quickly heard my loud cries and places me on speaker phone, “THAT BLACK CAR HOLDS A CULPRIT THAT KILLED MOONBIN YOU NEED TO-” I was cut off by loud manly screams

“OH MY GO-” I heard a crash, tumbling, and painful screaming.

My phone fell down to the concrete flooring, my hands dropped to my sides. There’s no way. I lost…..  Lost both of them… In the span of 5 minutes.

My hands ran through my hair as i dropped down, my hips not touching the floor but instead sitting on top of my ankles.

“No...No…..NO…….” I cried out, “This can’t be happening.”

Several passersby came over to ask if I was okay, asking me what happened. I couldn’t even process it myself, how could I tell them what happened. An woman engulfed me in her arms and was stroking my hair. Leaving me to cry into her shoulder over the past 5 minutes, where I lost two of my best friends.

Recent/Current/Now

Wonwoo never left. Instead he sat right next to me. Getting lost in that flashback I started to sob. My tears wouldn’t stop leaving my dried out eyes as my voice was shaky. His arms quickly engulfed me in a tight embrace gently stroking my hair. Ever since the accident I stayed at my work building. I stayed inside my dull office not getting out of the chair unless it was urgent. Seventeen often visited me in my office to check up on me and make sure I was still alive.

Seventeen is a 13 member group that I met during my internship at Pledis while Mark and Moonbin were off training. I became close with the boys as I helped them vocal train and take care of them from the evil ruling of the staff and CEO. I watched them grow into the fantastic young men they are today and they slowly take down girls hearts one by one. They were there for me when Moonbin and Mark couldn’t, as they were busy creating their own lives. I quickly became very close to the boys and met one of my new best friends there, Wonwoo. We automatically clicked and I would be lying if i didn’t say that I definitely have had some romantic feelings towards him.

“You’re going to be okay.” He said softly

“They died because of me.”

“They didn’t. It wasn’t your fault.” He kept stroking my hair making me feel more relaxed

“It was…. If it weren-”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was the culprit. The one who pulled the trigger and drove the car. Were you any of those people?”

“No..”

“Exactly. Therefore it isn’t your fault.” We sat there for a moment, Wonwoo hugging me. Engulfing me in his arms and me getting lost in his body and scent. “Don’t forget that Seventeen is here for you. You may feel like you have lost your entire world and friends, but we’re here. We can help you heal and be happy again. We’re here for you when you fall and we’ll help you get back up.”

I stay quiet for a moment, soaking my tears back up into my eyes, “What about you? Specifically?”

“I don’t think right now is a good time to tell you what’s been going through my mind, but I want you to never forget that I am here whenever you need me. I will stand by you through thick and thin. We don’t have a deep connection like what you had with the two of them, but I’m sure as hell that our relationship isn’t below that, that there is so much more to it.” He lifted my head and came dangerously close, “So will you let me help you, and let me know what going on in your head? Will you let me let you love, live, and heal?” As with that his warm lips were placed on my forehead. After feeling sad, alone, broken, and damaged for 48 hours, for once after their death, I felt right at home, like I was complete. Because I couldn’t cope with my best friends death alone, that I needed someone to show me how to Love, Live and Heal.

[kalena-henden]

Deadline AwardsLine Timeless Screening + Panel | April 26, 2017

Here’s a little write-up of the screening and panel. This is from memory so forgive me for any errors.

They screened the fourth episode “Party at Castle Varlar” with James Bond writer/real life spy, Ian Fleming, Nazis and, the scientist who would eventually help us get to the moon, Wernher Von Braun. I really enjoyed seeing it on the big screen. This was the episode that where I went from like to love with this show. Adventure, mystery, danger, bonding and fun mixed perfectly. I’ve seen this episode several times but it was surprising how much more detail I was able to pick up on not just visually but with the music queues as well. The audience laughed alot!

For the Q&A they started off with a few questions for the producers. Many of their answers were things they’ve said before like they are never going to do a Titanic episode and they did the Hindenburg first because they were never going to get to spend that much on one episode again. Malcolm did joke that, if they did the Titanic episode, it would only focus on one member of the band (the bass player, I think).

A few interesting things: Shawn Ryan was the one who insisted Amy Preston disappear at the end of the pilot. Through the writing processes they discovered that having the emotional impact on the characters would be more compelling than say world changing events like Fidel Castro disappearing. Also, *SPOILER ALERT* they said they are planning to do alot more of this in Season 2 (if we get one) where things in the present will be drastically altered after missions. Another storyline that Shawn would like to do is the Orphan Railroad which happened from about 1870s to 1920s where street orphans in the east coast cities were shipped across the country to new homes. His own ancestors were apart of it as orphans. Some of the orphans went on to find a better life and others not so much, including getting separated from siblings.

Kripke was asked how they keep all the information and timelines straight. He joked about having writer’s rooms conversations that made him want to kill himself. Everyone laughed. Then Shawn and the host teased him about it. He joked he constantly has Blue Oyster Cult playing in his office. I can’t remember the answer if there was one, just alot of teasing and laughter.

Onto the cast! They were all asked how it was to play their character’s arc over the season. Matt started, he talked about Wyatt’s emotional journey of learning to let go of his past which he was really getting to him towards the end of the season. The three of them (Lucy, Rufus and Wyatt) really need each other not just for their different skills but as people. That Lucy in particular has helped Wyatt move past some of the hurt and hopefully he will have moved passed it so he can move onto other things in the next season. Then Abigail said, “And he LOVES Lucy!” lol Matt emphatically responded “Well, I wasn’t gonna say it!” with a grin because it’s totally true. The host mentioned something about Lucy going bad at the end of the season which didn’t quite make sense but Abigail laughed at it and Matt slyly jested “Wyatt likes bad girls”. I don’t think it implied anything other than what we’ve seen onscreen. They just appeared to be going along with the host in the spirit of the moment. But good or bad, Wyatt loves Lucy.

Abigail talked about how Lucy went from being very reluctant about participating in this adventure at all to the end of the season where she’s determined to Save the World. Malcolm talked about going from being an agoraphobic techie who didn’t really want to participate in the outside world or forge new relationships to someone who asks out the girl, gets out and does stuff, and has become good friends with his teammates.

Next they asked what things were easier or harder to film. Abigail talked about the fight scenes where like 8 main characters need close-ups and they have to shoot for hours and hours to get it all. The easiest scenes are just the trio getting to play off each other and goof off a bit which they all agreed on. Malcolm talked about the rain in the 1980s episode. He also talked about trying to get through the really serious scene in 1x16 when he’s holding Jiya and telling her how much she means to him. Claudia would tease him between each take to try to get him to crack. Malcolm attempted to imitate her “Is that a tear? Are you crying?” with a terrible British accent which Matt and Abigail protested didn’t sound like her because Claudia is originally from Australia. But Malcolm said that’s the only accent he add in his pocket, it was the closest thing he had. lol This was payback because he did it to Claudia ALL season long. Then Matt teased Abigail for mentioning the fights cause she just sits on the side of the scene in the fight while he’s the one doing all the fighting. The host joked that she stole Matt’s answer and she joked that she was just setting it up for Matt and trying to find the antique lamp to hold during the fights. BTW the cast was really friendly during the panel with many shared asides to each other that they didn’t say into the mics. You can tell they have excellent off-screen camaraderie.

Then they asked what was their favorite episode. Obviously, hard to choose. They all love the fourth episode which was screened and the director of that episode was in the house (they did a little shout-out to him). Abigail talked again about how much she loves the costumes which led to her picking Bonnie and Clyde as her favorite episode. One, she loves the clothes of the era but also because she loves that they humanized Bonnie and Clyde, getting to learn about them as people, and she and Matt had a ton of fun goofing around. Malcolm said they are constantly doing “Schtick” (theirs is physical comedy) in every episode and kept teasing them about it during the panel. In the Bonnie and Clyde episode in particular, Abigail said during the couch scene which is the first time that Lucy and Wyatt are physical for an extended period of time that she and Matt kept trying to top themselves doing sillier and more outrageous schtick every take. Hopefully that’s on the gag reel!

Matt’s favorite episode was the Alamo because the setting and feel was so different than any of the other episodes. He mentioned how crazy it was seeing the Alamo in a Vancouver parking lot (where they filmed). Kripke joked the Vancouver parking lot is where the real Alamo was located. Malcolm’s favorite episode was the Western (aka the Lone Ranger episode) because he LOVES Westerns and used to dress up like a cowboy as a kid with a cowboy hat and galoshes (which he imagined were his cowboy boots). He loved riding the horse and he wouldn’t take the costume off. Matt jumped in to say that 3 days into filming Malcolm was trying to talk him into going “halfsies” to buy a horse farm. Then Abigail jumped in to say she’s got 27 pictures of Malcolm in that costume.

Questions from the audience were next. I’m only going to write about the ones I thought were interesting. A woman asked if maybe many of the women we thought were gone or dead might actually be alive and in Rittenhouse’s clutches: Amy Preston (Lucy’s sister), Lorena and Iris Flynn (Garcia’s wife and kid) and Jessica Logan (Wyatt’s wife), and asked if Jessica was part of Rittenhouse. First, there was major confusion with the cast and writers on who were Lorena and Iris. Kripke literally said, “Who’s Lorena?” lol And Shawn Ryan was just as confounded. The woman had to explain to them she was Flynn’s wife, that’s when they realized they had put their names on the tombstones. Kripke said that even in the script for 1x16 the character was named FLYNN’S WIFE. Until this question had been asked, they considered all those women dead but now he joked who knows if they’ll stay dead.

A kid had been raising his hand for awhile. It turned out to be Abigail’s son, Roman, who hilariously asked the producers a question (instead of his mom) about how they choose which stories to tell. Shawn Ryan answered that they always try to decide what the characters are dealing with first and then build the story and time periods around their issues.

The last question was someone asked Malcolm how they got representation so right every episode. He joked how he “nailed it” everytime before segueing into a more serious and detailed answer about inclusion. The producers added the more they brought in these sidelined historical figures the more they felt they found the heart of the show. They plan on continuing to find and tell these untold stories.

Whew. It took me longer to write this up (and edit it multiple times) than the entire screening and panel took to experience. lol Hope you enjoyed it!

tagging @onlymorelove @wedlakeserenities i don’t know if this works when it’s under the cut, so let me know.

[hyfdanielle-archive]

After Hours Aquarium Distractions → Granielle

TITLE: After Hours Aquarium Distractions CHARACTER(S): Danielle Panabaker and Grant Gustin @theflashgrant SETTING: Whistler, BC Canada on March 11th CONTENT RATING: PG-13 SUMMARY: Danielle and Grant have a date night at the Vancouver Aquarium, participating in the After Hours exhibit that they have, then coming home with a heart to heart conversation and distraction.

Grant was enjoying a nice relaxing Saturday with his wife, daughter and the dogs, glad they didn't have anything to do all day. After the rough encounter he had with Caity earlier that morning. His mind was going a mile a minute, trying to process everything she had told him and just the fact that he ran into her, quite literally, in general. He wanted to try and not think about it and have a distraction, which made him come up with a great date idea for him and Danielle. Liz was watching Ali and the dogs and Grant wanted to take Danielle to an aquarium that was called After Hours Aquarium. It was for adults only and a way for them to experience the aquarium differently than they would with children. They had alcohol and snacks provided while walking around the place and had various shows and exhibits they'd be able to look at as well. Dale was driving them to the aquarium and Grant was quiet for the ride, still lost in his own thoughts on what to do with the whole Colton and Caity situation. When they arrived, Grant got out of the car and walked into the place with Danielle, paying for two tickets. "You gonna get wine or beer to have?"

Danielle had a good time on this lazy day, but it was still different all the same. It was a Saturday where her little family would be able to relax without a care in the world; but something was off with her husband. She couldn't figure it out, but didn't want to press about it all the same. Instead, she showered him with affection until their baby sitter arrived so they could have their date night. Usually, she and Grant would try for one night out of the week to have alone and this was their night. They were going to go to the aquarium, but a special after hours event filled with drinks and food. They'd be able to look at the exotic fishes that were in the tanks and have fun without the bombardment of adulthood looming over them. Danielle was so excited, but couldn't help but worry about what was going on with her husband. "You know me and wine", she teased of him, laying her hand on his back while he paid for the tickets to go in. "I wonder if we'll get to see the sharks like we did when we went to Baltimore. Remember that? That was a fun trip."

Grant smiled and nodded, assuming that Danielle was going to get wine. Usually he would join her since he liked wine himself, but he needed something stronger and that was beer right now. Grant liked both either way so he knew it wouldn't matter which one he chose. Smiling as she mentioned the sharks they saw in Baltimore, Grant nodded. "It was. I was proud of you for coming to an Orioles game with me. I might just have to tempt you to do it again over the hiatus. Or maybe this time we'll see the Mets play in the city," he said outloud. When they got their tickets, they went straight to where they were selling beverages so that they could have them while walking around. There were different things to do and Grant wanted them to experience all of them, knowing it was open for a certain amount of time to do just that. Once they each had their drinks, Grant led the way to the first exhibit which had to do with sharks like Danielle had mentioned. "Guess we'll get to see sharks after all. And this shows us the four different ways they can reproduce. Well. Now I know why this is for adults only," he chuckled.

Danielle let out a scoff and shook her head, promptly showing signs of nostalgia when Grant started talking about the game that they went to. "We can go back", she told him, knowing that it made him happy and she wanted to do things that made him happy as well. But now they didn't say much of anything else before they got their drinks. They'd be walking around in them and that was great, giving her time to look through all of the exhibits with no rush and no fuss. They had gotten to the sharks fairly quickly and her eyebrows raised at the exhibit that they were seeing. "Is this what you wanted to show me? Shark Porn in Vancouver. There are more than one ways they can reproduce? What an industry to be in for a shark", she teased out, which got her a few looks from people that passed by. Blushing gently, she brought her glass of wine to her lips and stayed close to her husband now, not wanting to get into any more trouble as it was.

Grant smiled softly when Danielle said they would go back. He didn't want to start planning their whole hiatus now, knowing the time was limited as is and he wasn't much of a planner. If anything hiatus was so that he could be lazy and catch up on sleep but it was nice to know that Danielle was up for going again if the opportunity presented itself. Smirking when Danielle spoke, Grant shook his head. "I mean I knew there were...some R rated things here hence the whole after hours thing but I did not know we would be seeing how many ways sharks can have sex," he teased, shaking his head in amusement. He was intrigued, even if it sounded weird and when Danielle said it's a great industry to be a shark, Grant nearly spit out his drink. They started looking at the exhibit and Grant was mind blown. "I mean I guess it's like how humans have different positions to have sex, right?" He whispered to his wife, not wanting anyone else to hear. He couldn't believe this is what they were looking at right now but it was definitely distracting him and giving him a source of entertainment that he was happy for.

Danielle looked at her husband now when he started out with his drink. "Honey", she turned to him worriedly, wondering if he was okay, but everything was fine and collected and she was most thankful for it. For now, she stayed close to Grant and didn't dare to venture away from him while they learned about the reproduction cycle of a shark, listening to the sound byte that was coming from the speakers near there so they can learn. "That's true", she whispered out then, finishing another sip of her glass. "I wonder if they prefer one thing over another and if they're adventurous like that", she mused out now and shook her head rapidly. Danielle was getting way too invested in learning about this and though it was the norm, she felt amused that she was here learning about it. But as she turned back to Grant, she took his free hand with hers and laced their fingers together. "Where are we going next?"

Grant nodded and shrugged. "I'm sure they do, just like we have our preferences," he said before taking another sip of his drink. Grant was pretty sure he'd never look at an aquarium the same after this but it was interesting regardless. When Danielle laced their fingers together, Grant looked around to see where they would be going next. "This is another exhibit about reproduction underwater," he chuckled, listening as the man started educating them. The main focus was on coral sex and otter love and Grant raised his eyebrows. It was weird to be hearing about how these different creatures in the water had sex but at least they would be learning something different. "At least it's nice to know that these animals and creatures get some lovin' too. Good for them," he said out loud, mostly to his wife. When that exhibit was over, the crowd was led to a small theater where they were given 3D glasses to watch a short film about coastal predators. "This should be cool."

Danielle widened her eyes when Grant started speaking, mostly because the people around them had snickered like they heard the funniest thing. "Oh yeah", she said as she downed the rest of her wine glass. This was beginning to get fun, not like it hadn't been before, but she was learning something new and getting a lot of new material for jokes and conversation. "We've done a lot of that underwater if you think about it", she mused out again, this time whispering so that only Grant could hear and hid her face in his arm. There were a lot of couples here as well, maybe on dates, so it was enough for Danielle to feel like this was intimate but still with a large group. But now they were lead towards a room with 3D glasses, bottom lip going in between her teeth. "First we saw otter loving and now we're going to watch them get killed", she said as she put on the glasses and turned her frame towards Grant. "Everything is all blurry right now, babe", she let out. "Maybe I should put this when I get to sit down."

Grant chuckled when Danielle said they had done similar things underwater. "You have a point there," he said, taking another sip of his drink. Once they were inside the room, Grant watched as Danielle put on the glasses, stating that everything was blurry. "Yeah, you should probably wait until it actually starts. Won't be able to see much until does," he told her. "It's going to be a sure change of events, but still interesting," he said to his wife. As funny and amusing as the sexual things were, it would be cool to see something about the predators in the water, even if it might freak him out slightly. "As long as these things aren't in familiar waters or anywhere I can come into contact with them. That would start to freak me out," he said. A few minutes later, the film started and Grant put his glasses on, seeing the different predators come off the screen in 3D form. It was cool and even made him jump at certain points, the whole thing feeling so real.

Danielle took off the glasses until it was time to put them on again, shifting her weight in the seat in order to see everything. Her eyes were widening at every single predator that came onto the screen and even though it was basically the circle of life, she couldn't handle it at times. "Oh my god", she said as she took the glasses off and then put them back on, shaking her head and calmed down enough to continue watching. When the movie was over, there was a soft green look for Danielle now, but she didn't mention to anyone when she gave the glasses back. Her hands were outstretched for her husband and she was a bit more affectionate now than what she would have been if she hadn't seen so much blood, but at lease they had something to tell everyone when they were asked. "I won't ever look at an alligator the same way again", she mumbled out now, lingering in the lobby of the theater. "Can we go see the otters after the tour? I liked that they were so friendly."

Grant was mindblown once the film was over, taking off his glasses and sighing heavily. "That was intense, wasn't it? Damn," he said, standing up and following the people out of the mini theater. "Well we've known that alligators are bad this whole time. But it was crazy to see everything they're actually capable of," he said, grimacing at the thoughts. When Danielle asked if they could see the otters once more before they left, Grant nodded. "Yeah, they were cute. There's not much left on the tour, I believe," he said to his wife. "There's only one more thing to do and that's getting to touch the sea stars and sea urchins. That'll be cool," he said, following everyone into what was called the Star Lab. There were workers there who were showing everybody the different creatures that would be able to be held and Grant was a little nervous as to what they would feel like. "I don't want to hurt them or anything. This is going to feel weird."

Danielle nodded her head and followed Grant now towards the wet lab, where they would be able to touch and play with the sea stars and sea urchins. They'd have to be careful because of the poisonous barbs, but it was okay to touch as long as they didn't harm the animals. "Have you ever touched a sea star", she asked of her husband, giving him a soft smile when they entered. The tour was simple and in a line, they'd be able to spend as little or as much time with them as they would want. "You'll feel like they're sticking to you", she said before she took one of Grant's hands and put it in the water with her. She was holding onto his finger and guiding it towards one of the legs of the stars, keeping her attention only to her husband to see what his reaction would be like. "Now sea urchins, I don't know what I would do if I touched one", she told him. "Aren't those the ones where if they sting you, then you'd have to get someone to pee on you so it would be healed?"

Grant shook his head when Danielle asked if he ever touched a sea star. "No, I've never really gotten the opportunity to. I wonder what they feel like. I mean they look hard..." He trailed off, watching as Danielle brought his hand into the water, carefully guiding his finger towards one of the stars. "Really?" He asked his wife, realizing what she meant once he touched it. "Whoa," he mumbled, surprised at the feeling and caught slightly off guard. "That's definitely not what I expect," he chuckled, moving his finger against it gently. "It's cool though," he said to Danielle. "I don't know, isn't that a jellyfish?" He asked his wife while shrugged. He was pretty sure if you got stung by a jellyfish, pee was the solution to get the sting out but maybe it was the same with sea urchins. "I don't think I'm going to touch one, I don't see how that's safe. I mean...some people are so I guess it is but I'm gonna have to pass."

Danielle smiled at her husband's reaction to the sensation. "I know. I don't want to pick it up because it'll be like taking it out of its habitat, but I would touch it underwater if it's safe for the both of us", she started out. The brunette adored all sorts of animals and would only want the best for them. It was the reason why she didn't want to disturb any of the animals that were in the water like most other people. Instead, she chose to listen and learn, shrugging her shoulders like Grant did when he said something about a jellyfish. "I wouldn't want to be stung by any of those either. Sometimes you die automatically", she spoke out, completely grim with her words until it came time to touch some of the manta rays that were there. "We can play with them", Danielle whispered out, tugging Grant over to where most of the adults were crowding around. A school of manta rays were swimming back and forth and they were table to touch fins if they were lucky enough. "You know, watching Nemo was perfect yesterday, because now we get to experience it in real life, right here. Right now."

Grant nodded when Danielle spoke. He wasn't sure he was going to be as brave as she was but maybe if they did it together, it'd be okay. "Since when do you have so much experience with this kind of thing? When have you touched a sea star before?" He asked curiously, wanting to know all these little details about his wife. "You can, yeah. It's dangerous but I think that's a rare case, otherwise not many people would be in the ocean constantly," he shrugged. Grant never really thought about the risks of going in the water when at the beach, just enjoying swimming around and messing around in the waves. He couldn't wait until they were back in LA to do that often. When Danielle said they could play with them, Grant furrowed his brows. "What even are they?" He asked his wife. "I know, it is pretty perfect. I definitely didn't even plan that," he said while chuckling.

Danielle looked to Grant as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "You never did any of this on the beach", she asked of her husband. Sure, there were beaches where there were too many people and not enough water exploration, but sometimes you'd get lucky and it'll be a memory for life. "Sometimes we'd go on the beach and there would be a few things here and there. I'm surprised that there isn't much of this to do on Hilton Head beach." But now they were at the manta rays and she pointed to them when Grant asked what they were. "You know the school bus in Finding Nemo. Those dudes", she started to explain and soon she bent down to the water and ran her fingers through it, letting out a squeal when her finger tips had touched a bit of their skin. "Baby, come on. You'll have to try this. Then we'll go see the urchins again." Even now, Danielle turned back to Grant, offering her dry hand that wasn't wet from what she did so that she could keep him close.

Grant shook his head. He realized that there was probably an opportunity to do it on the beach when he was a kid in Virginia or even when his family went to Hilton Head every summer but it never ended up happening. "Whenever my siblings and I were on the beach, we usually played games. Frisbee, volleyball, football. All that stuff. Maybe Gracie paid attention to the hermit crabs and shells and all that stuff but Tyler and I were never really that interested," he chuckled. When Danielle explained what those creatures were in Finding Nemo, suddenly Grant was able to make the connection. "Oh okay, now I see," he told her, watching as she put her fingertips in there by the manta rays. "Does it feel weird? I don't know..." He trailed off, letting out a sigh. At this point he figured he should try it if Danielle did so he put his hand in and touched them. "Whoa. So slimy and smooth," he said to his wife. They then moved back over to the sea urchins, though Grant was sure he wasn't going to touch those. Danielle didn't seem like she was going to either so they looked at them for a little bit before realizing that everything was coming to an end. People were leaving and Grant figured it was time for them to do the same. "Well that was fun, right?" He said as they made their way out of the aquarium.

Danielle stood way far behind the sea urchins and Grant while everyone would be touching them. "To think people eat them too", she whispered out. Everything was coming to an end and a close, and there was a disappointment to her now that they didn't get to see the otters again; but that was okay. "I had so much fun", she told her husband truthfully. "Finished all of my wine. Saw some shark porn", she started to list out, wagging her eyebrows playfully at her husband before letting out a soft laugh. It was nice to be able to relax with her husband like this and be able to just hang out and learn something new. It made for a memorable date night and something that she'd tell everyone in the meantime. "And I learned so much. I think this was amazingly fun." While she spoke, she turned to stand in front of Grant and cupped his face, making it so that her hazel eyes would lock onto green. "I love you and thank you for this."

Grant made a face. "What? People eat them? That's disgusting," he said, making a face. "But yeah, I'd say tonight was a success. Definitely not like any other date night I've had," he chuckled. It was nice to be in Vancouver for these sorts of things, knowing it provided entertainment that you most likely couldn't find in Los Angeles or anywhere else. "I learned a lot too, so I'm glad we did this. And being able to drink while going around is pretty cool," he nodded. Once they got to the car, Grant smiled softly when Danielle cupped his face, thanking him for their date night. "Of course. I love you too," he said, kissing her on the lips gently before getting into the car. Grant stayed quiet for the ride back to their apartment, lost in his own thoughts about what transpired that morning. It was great to be distracted from it while at the aquarium and he succeeded in forgetting about it while there but now it was weighing heavily on his mind again and he didn't know what to do. When they got home, Grant thanked Dale and made his way up to their apartment, inside and greeted Liz once he saw her. He thanked her and said his goodbyes, watching her leave and making his way into the living room where he greeted the dogs briefly and sat on the couch, rubbing his face with his hands and letting out a sigh.

Danielle furrowed her eyebrows at the silence that filled the car. It wasn't awkward by any means. It was just unsettling, like there was a weight that didn't and couldn't be described. The kiss before that was wonderful, kind, but the aloofness that radiated after unnerved her. The brunette didn't say much when they got home, greeting their baby sitter and realizing that their daughter was probably asleep in her bedroom. She wasn't going to disturb Alison, but instead chose to sit down beside her husband and place her feet onto his lap. "Penny for your thoughts", she prodded out, giving him a soft smile to encourage him to do so. Part of the reason why Danielle prided her relationship was the ability to communicate with one another, no matter what the circumstance may have been. "You look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Is there something wrong, Honey?" Danielle showed concern, but if Grant didn't want to approach it, she'd leave it be.

Grant watched as Danielle sat down next to him, pursing his lips. Ultimately he knew that he was going to have to tell Danielle what was going on, even if it wasn't exactly his place to say. She was his wife and he didn't like keeping secrets from her and since it was bothering him so much, maybe she'd be able to help if she had some insight on what was going on. She put her feet in his lap and Grant sat there, wondering where to start and what to say. Shrugging when she said it looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, Grant sighed. "That's kinda what it feels like," he said, rubbing the back of his neck gently. "Kind of. I mean...I don't know," he mumbled. "I ran into Caity this morning when I was getting us breakfast and coffee. And well, it was just weird. Seeing her again, since we haven't talked or seen each other since the whole...thing happened. And then she ends up telling me that this thing...is a lie. She never actually cheated on Colton," he told his wife. "She lied because she wasn't ready to make a big commitment to him and that was the only thing she could think of that would make him walk away from her," he said. "So now I know this and no one else does. Besides you now. And I just feel like I need to tell Colton but it's not for me to tell. It's for Caity to tell. And I tried telling her to tell him and I'm hoping she will but I just feel weird, like I'm hiding something from my best friend and I just don't know what to do."

Danielle pressed her lips together and listened. She didn't interject. She didn't say anything. She just took everything in that Grant was telling her. There was a part of her that was proud that he would trust her with this secret; but there was another part of her that ached for the couple in question. Her husband was in a tough spot and it wouldn't be great for any of the parties involved if all of this comes out of the woodwork. "I'm sorry you're in the middle of it", she told her husband truthfully, taking her legs from his lap and moved closer so that she was able to wrap her arms around his frame to hold him. "You're doing the best thing by letting them work it out on their own, you know that right? They need to talk this out about this. They need to have that open and honest communication in order for their relationship to work." The advice wasn't much and Danielle knew that. She just hoped that she could help just a little bit. "In a way, I'm also glad that she trusted you with that secret. I know how close you and Caity were and it's taking a step in the right direction again--building up that trust."

Grant sighed as Danielle spoke. He didn't like that he was in the middle of it either but he was glad Caity told him the truth, especially since it changed everything. Her not cheating meant something entirely different and now her only problem was that she lied about something as serious as that just so Colton would walk away from her. Smiling slightly when Danielle wrapped her arms around him, Grant sighed and rested his head against her shoulder. "I know. I just hope she doesn't wait too long. He deserves to know. I mean this is a huge thing. And I'm glad she told me, although I think most of the reason she told me was so that I wouldn't be so angry at her for cheating. Which I get. I mean this changes everything now. I was so angry at her for doing that and I still don't agree that she lied to him about it but if she didn't really cheat on him...well then that's a good thing," he said. "I guess I'll just have to see how it plays out. I hate lying to Colton. Even if I'm not lying to him, I guess it's more of keeping something from him. I don't like doing that either."

Danielle understood the plight that her husband was going through. On the one hand, a friend just divulged a huge secret about that same friend and it wasn’t good to be in the middle of it. If anything, she was more than surprised that Grant had been so silent about this for so long. “This must be eating you alive”, she whispered out to his head now, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “He’s your best friend and to know something like this and keep it from him must be torturous.” Danielle felt for Grant, and it was right then and there that she vowed that she’d help him with anything regarding this matter. “What do you feel like doing? Regarding this? Obviously you can’t tell Colton because it’s not your secret to tell; but what do you want to do?” All the brunette did at this point was try and soothe, running her fingers against his arm that was close to them and press light kisses upon the top of his head where she could reach.

Grant nodded and stared down at his hands. It had been bothering him since this morning and he wasn't sure how long he'd be able to hold back. He didn't like keeping things from Colton, especially something as serious as this but he just hoped he got through to Caity when talking to her earlier. "I don't know. I mean I guess I'll give Caity a few days. That seems like the right thing to do. And if Colton still doesn't know or doesn't bring it up, then I'll have to talk to Caity and tell her that I can't keep hiding this from him. I mean I know he'll probably be mad at her for lying but you would think she'd want to tell him she didn't actually cheat. Unless she just doesn't care...I don't know," he shrugged, letting out a deep sigh. "I guess I should try and forget about it for now. It's out of my control," he said while rubbing his face with his hands.

Danielle let out a soft smile. “I love you, you know”, she told Grant truthfully. Seeing him like this now solidified one of the reasons why she fell in love with him in the first place. He felt everything, was sensitive to those around him, and cared so much for his friends and family. It was a very admirable trait and one that she adored. “And everything will work itself out when it’s supposed to work itself out. You know that. I know that. I’m glad you told me what was bothering you. It must have been hard for you to do so. I’m happy you trust me enough to keep this secret for you.” But Grant was right. They both needed to let this go because it was out of their hands. As much as they wanted to help, they couldn’t—at least, not right now. “Okay, so let’s forget it for now. The baby’s asleep. The dogs are somewhere around the house. You and I are alone and free to do whatever it is that we want. You know what we haven’t done in a while?” Her tone of voice was light, wanting to distract her husband from the thoughts that surrounded him, but she had to break away in order to do so. Moving towards the television now, she pulled out two of the remote controls to the XBOX that she hadn’t touched in forever and showed it them to Grant.

Grant smiled softly. "I love you too. And I'm glad I have you to talk about anything with. I trust you completely and I don't want to keep anything from you. You're my wife," he said to Danielle. Nodding when Danielle told him that they should forget about it right now, Grant wondered what they would be able to do instead. The way his wife was making it sound was that they had alone time to do whatever they want, which usually meant something sexual. But now she had caught him off guard when saying it was something they hadn't done in a while, making her way over to the living room TV. Grinning when she brought over the XBOX controllers, Grant looked up at her. "You sure know the way to my heart," he teased, waiting for the game to turn on so that they could play. "I really don't know the last time I played either, even on my own. Everything's just been so crazy busy."

Danielle agreed completely with the sentiment. Everything has just been so busy that there was no way that they had the time to do the things that they enjoyed. With the baby, the job, and the dogs, there usually wasn't much time left in the day; and Grant needed the distraction right now more than anything. With that said, she turned on the XBOX the only way she knew how and handed him the first person controller. "I don't remember much, but I'll play with you", she told him. The game flashed on the screen and it was the football game that he taught her to play a while ago. It wouldn't be much, but at least they could probably get in a few rounds or so before they'd crash for the night. "It's a bit of a contrast after what we learned at the aquarium now, isn't it? I promise I won't mess with your controller when I start to lose, but I make no promises if I start leaning on you because you're comfortable."

Grant smiled and nodded, glad that Danielle would be up for playing with him. "You'll do fine," he told her, knowing they've played quite a few times together and even if Danielle didn't play nearly as much as he did, she usually picked it up pretty quickly. Chuckling as she mentioned this being different from the aquarium, Grant nodded. "Completely. Huge turn of events. But I think it's good to end the night doing this. I don't want to have sex dreams about sharks doing it," he teased while shaking his head. "That's fine with me. Lean on me as much as you want," he told her, leaning towards his wife to kiss the top of her head gently. When it was time to pick teams, Grant obviously picked the Giants and waited for Danielle to pick her team before they would start. "Do you remember the buttons? This one is to pass, this one is to tackle, you use this to run," he told her, showing her on the controller. "You'll do great. Good luck," he teased, winking at his wife before focusing on the screen.

Danielle giggled at the suggestion that Grant let out, scrunching her nose afterwards. "Do not want you to dream about shark porn", she mumbled out, a bit of determination to her voice. "If anything, you're supposed to be dreaming about me not the sharks." True to form, the brunette looked down and nodded as her husband started to explain the buttons. She needed to pick out a team and now that Grant had chosen the Giants, she'd go with one of the random teams that she knew. The Panthers were chosen then and soon the graphics started to change and go off towards the football field in which they'd be playing. "Coin toss", she told him and now they were ready and reeling to go. "I'm going to need it, I know. You're the pro when it comes to this. But I have my ways." The saying was ominous at best, but Danielle was focused. Once the coin spun on the screen, she pressed her choice and awaited for the verdict to come through.

Grant chuckled and shook his head. "I think I'll pass on that. I'd much rather dream about you. Having sex with you. That sounds nice," he said, grinning at the thought. Seeing Danielle choose the Panthers, Grant waited for them to do the coin toss and to see how that would turn out, listening to his wife say that she had her ways even if he was the pro. "Well consider me intrigued," he smirked, licking his lips. Danielle ended up winning the coin toss which made him laugh. "At least you're a pro at that," he teased, waiting for her to choose. Now that it was time to play, Grant did what he usually did and while he knew he should go a little easy on his wife, he decided not to. "I don't go easy on Tyler so I'm not going to go easy on you either," he smirked as he got a touchdown right away.

Danielle gave Grant just a look before leaning over. "That is nice, isn't it", she whispered into his ear once before pressing her lips to it in a soft kiss. That was all that she would to do distract him for now, considering they had a game to play. The game was intense. Everything that Danielle thought she had forgotten came back and though she didn't get a chance to block the first touchdown, she did try to put up a good fight. "Don't play easy. Go hard, go rough", she started to egg Grant on, her tone of voice softer than what it usually was; but that was probably because she was still speaking against her husband's skin. This time, Danielle nipped at Grant's jawline gently, going forward with her plan to distract, but mainly it was distracting her more so. The game even started beeping for her to choose her next play and she laughed gently, looking down to press a button and continue on with the game. She didn't gain as many yards as she would have liked and soon it was fourth down on her turn. "I think I'm just a bit rusty", she spoke out now, shaking her head at the television.

Grant listened to Danielle telling him to go hard and rough, not easy. "If you insist," he teased, playing like he normally would. He felt a little bad since Danielle wasn't close to being experienced but she wanted to play with him so he was going to enjoy it. As long as she was having fun, that's what mattered. Once he was on defense, he was able to stop her pretty quickly, despite his wife distracting him slightly by kissing his ear and then his jawline. "Mm," he murmured, biting down on his bottom lip as he kept his eyes on the screen. Chuckling when she said she was a bit rusty, Grant shrugged. "That's okay. Me too. I'm only winning by fourteen now and it's halfway done," he teased, continuing the game. It was nice to be doing this with his wife and it was the perfect distraction from everything that was on his mind. He loved that she always knew exactly what he needed and once the game was over, he looked over at her lovingly. "Thank you. For doing this. I know it's not exactly your favorite thing to do but it meant a lot to me and kept my mind off stuff which is exactly what I wanted."

Danielle lost by a long shot, but she didn't mind it. This was supposed to be a chance for her to distract Grant and she was glad that felt better. She returned the look that her husband gave her, nodding her head as she listened to him speak. "I just want you to be okay", she confessed out to him. That was one of the best things that they could do for each other. In her vows, she stated that she would be right beside him through everything and she wanted to uphold it. "Whatever it is that you need, I'll be there to help you through it. You're not alone because I got you. I have your back always." But now Danielle dropped the controller onto her lap and wrapped her arms around her husband to hold herself close to him. "So, now that you're distracted, do you think you need one more game or can we get ready for bed? I can make us a midnight snack too if you're hungry."

Grant nodded. "As long as I have you, I'll be okay," he told his wife sincerely, staring into her eyes. She was already helping a great deal and just talking to someone about it helped in its own way too. Smiling and wrapping his arms around Danielle as she did first, Grant buried his face into her shoulder and let out a sigh. It felt good just to be hugging her right now and he felt so much better than he did this morning after the whole conversation took place. When Danielle asked what he needed next now that he was distracted, Grant thought about it for a minute. "I think getting ready to bed sounds good. I'm not hungry and I feel pretty tired. More emotionally or mentally than physically but either way, we had a nice night and it's getting late anyways," he shrugged, slowly getting up so that they could both head upstairs. When he got upstairs, Grant couldn't help but check on Ali in the nursery, wanting to see her even if she was sleeping soundly. He watched her for a few moments before leaving the room, not wanting to risk waking her and went into the bedroom to start changing into his pajamas.

Danielle gave her husband the okay and moved away from him so that they'd be able to go upstairs. The brunette would go into the kitchen to make sure water was filled for the dogs before going upstairs with her husband. She was right behind him, watching him watch their daughter as well before she broke away from him first. Alison was asleep and they needed to let her rest. For now, she was getting dressed in what would be required of her--loose fitting pajama bottoms were always a plus as well as a shirt--and crawled into bed. "Oh, it feels so good to be laying down after all of that walking", she mumbled out, snuggling into her side and pulling the covers over her frame. Her eyes now were glued to Grant's, her tongue darting out of her mouth to start licking her lips and watching him get ready for bed. "Thank you for a fun night out, baby. And the game was fun even though I lost. It just proves you're the pro between the both of us", she whispered out now, reaching from her side of the bed for him.

Grant smiled softly when Danielle got into bed, knowing it must have felt nice after walking all night. He couldn't wait to get into bed and snuggle with his wife after a long, exhausting day. At least there were good parts to it and that's what made everything worth it. Joining Danielle in bed, Grant let out a sigh and stretched his legs, feeling as great as Danielle did to be laying down now. "Definitely feels nice," he mumbled, snuggling into his wife. "Of course. I'm glad we were able to experience something new together. Not like anything else," he said with a smirk. "Well, we have our hobbies. Mine is video games so of course I'd be better at that. If there was a baking contest, you'd blow me out of the water," he said, smiling softly. Turning off the light, Grant got comfortable against the sheets and closed his eyes, letting out a yawn. "Night, baby. Love you so much," he mumbled before drifting off to sleep.

Danielle had been amused at his sentiment, but Grant was right. "True, but I do believe that you could rival me in a cooking contest. If it was burgers then you're going to win, definitely", she continued to speak out. She had so much pride in Grant, was proud that he could do so much, and adored him just the same. She really and truly believed that she was lucky to have him in her life. But the day was short and soon she was grasping for breath while stifling a yawn, knowing that sleep would be very much needed tomorrow. "I love you more", she said as she reached back to turn off the light that was on her side of the bed and followed her husband right back to sleep.

[magneticseparators-blog1]

Industrial Magnet, Permanent Magnetic Equipments, Magnetic Separators, Material Handling Eqiupments, Rare Earth Magnet

An separator can be a device which utilizes a magnet to eliminate impurities and different materials from metal. Separators can be corrected to attract unique kinds of magnetic materials and might be utilized before, during, and after production of a material. Though their usage is industrial in character magnetic separators are used for a variety of applications. Magnetic separators may vary in size in the table top variation to your heavy drum that is used in recycling and different software and could be either ferromagnetic or paramagnetic.

How a Magnetic Separator Works A magnetic separator is made up of powerful magnet that is either laid down or suspended from a ceiling or apparatus. Materials may be passed over a tabletop separator in order to extract its own impurities, while suspended separators encounter above a material. Magnetic separators are also cylinders that objects are passed through. The material that a magnetic separator purifies may take the kind of a product, parts, or liquid metal.

Applications Magnetic separators are often used for industrial purposes such as recycling and manufacturing. They're also utilized in scientific labs which often require metallic substances that are without any impurities (and true in chemistry). In cases like this, the separator is by forcing either all or any of the substances in one substance into a container a cylinder or flask that averts cross-contamination between two substances.

Advantages Magnetic separators tend to be powerful, mobile, and can be corrected to remove varying sorts of magnetic substances from a solid or liquid. They are most reliable when applied to a liquid, even though removing impurities is possible. Magnetic separators are exceptionally simple and quite versatile in design. A basic separator could be constructed using a clamp and a potent magnet to keep down the stuff.

Disadvantages The principal disadvantage of Magnetic Separators Manufacturer will be that they must be always maintained. The magnetic separator has to be discharged or spilled down as a way to remove whilst oil has to be inserted to some moving parts materials which have collected. In the case of an electromagnetic separator, the electro magnet needs to be in a position to be turned off in any moment in case of an emergency.

The past week had been particularly angsty, and I broke my self-imposed Kathmandu sobriety in order to down a bottle of red at a Bollywood-themed party. I woke up tstill able to taste the menthol cigarettes I had greedily sucked down, and I was dangerously close to being hungover.But not so close that I was willing to break my plans for some Saturday morning yoga. I stood amidst the crowd of people and waited for a few minutes, until an American man came blustering into the studio. “Sorry guys!” Magnetic Handling He announced. “So sorry I am late!” I was really confused. What did he mean, late? It was still fifteen minutes before the class was scheduled to start!We all headed into the room, and I set my handbag down and popped over to the loo to take a quick pre-yoga pee (always important). When I returned I noticed something strange. The others were sitting on blankets and bolsters. No yoga mats, and the teacher, Frank, was already instructing despite the fact that it was only 9:20. What in the holy hell was going on?!The first word I registered Frank saying was “death.” It slowly started to dawn on me. This was not a yoga class. This was a meditation class.I glanced over at the schedule on the wall and it was confirmed: This was the 8:50am Saturday morning meditation. The “9:30″ class that I had viewed online was indeed taking place…. all the way in Patan at one of Pranayama’s other studios. I had misread the website, and ended up in a meditation. Exactly the place I was most scared to be.My error was not the only factor that led to this fateful coincidence. On any other Saturday, had I made the same mistake I would have arrived at the studio and been faced with a locked door, the class half-completed. I would have checked the posted schedule, realized my mistake and left. However, this week, the one week that it mattered – Frank was late. He arrived 25 minutes late, seconds after I myself had arrived.When I put all of this together in my head and realized that we were about to do one of the meditations I find most meaningful — death meditation — tears sprung into my eyes. “What a wonderful karmic surprise,” I thought, “and how fucking terrifying.”See, karma or fate or God or pure chance — however you want to look at it — something got me on that cushion today. Some kind of wheel turned and set into motion the weird series of coincidences that led my sore post-trekking ass onto the floor of the yoga studio to sit and watch my breath and confront my own mortality.The purpose of vivid death visualizations are to remind you that at any moment you could die, and so you should never put off the important things in life. You should apologize to people you’ve wronged. You should forgive everyone who has wronged you. You should do things you love. You should pray to whatever you believe in. And most importantly, death meditation reminds you that you should fucking meditate.I tried to hide from the cushion, from the meditation — but it found me. Thank god. Thank Frank. And thank me.I arrived at the yoga studio at 9:10 that morning. The class wasn’t due to start until 9:30, so I was a little bit surprised to see a small clutch of people waiting outside the studio door. “Pfft. Eager!” I thought, a brief moment of irritation flickering in my mind.

This was my first yoga class in months, and I was eager to stretch and sweat. I had, admittedly, been a pretty epic slacker in regards to my spiritual practice lately. In November and December I spent six weeks at Kopan Monastery and during this time I was immersed in Dharma, convinced that I would never, ever EVER let myself fall off of the meditation wagon again.  After all, I would be living in Kathmandu, a city so steeped in Buddhism that I couldn’t possibly abandon my practice… This, it would seem, was overly optimistic.

The yoga class was described online as a magnetic destoner, which was good – I kind of needed something to kick my ass. For the past month I have only been meditating once a week, at the FPMT centre in Thamel and I will be honest: a lot of those sessions have been spent thinking solely about my favourite restaurant across the street.

Since moving to Kathmandu the previous month, I had been battling some minor depression and anxiety. I had been trying to get settled in this chaotic city, and despite making a lot of great new friends and doing rewarding work, I have been wracked with homesickness. This pining for Vancouver has been coupled with racing remorseful thoughts about the break-up of a five-year relationship – that ended 18 months ago. My mind has just been looking for scabs to pick, and the cushion has felt unreasonably scary. I decided that the yoga mat might be a more suitable place to ease back into mindfulness, a place to drag some of the demons out of my head and battle them physically instead.

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Permanent Magnetic Equipments :

Magnetic Destoner

Drum Type Magnetic Separator

Overband Magnetic Separator (OBMS)

Inline Drum Magnetic Separator

Permanent Magnetic Drum Pulley

Magnetic Coolant Separator

Trolly Mounted Suspension Magnet

Channel Magnet

Plate Magnet

Magnetic Head Pulleys for Conveyor Systems

Hopper Magnet

Trap Magnet / Magnetic Filter

Hand Magnet

Hump Magnet

Half Hump Magnet

Drawer Magnet

Belt Type Magnetic Separator / Belt Concentrator

Plate Housing Magnet / Deep Rich Magnet

Magnetic Floor Sweeper

Bin Activator

Auto Cleaning Hump Magnet

Pipeline Plate Magnet

Grill Magnet

Rotary Magnet

Self Cleaning Magnetic Grill

Spout Magnet

Magnetic Road

Wet Drum Magnetic Separator

Permanent Magnetic Lifters

Eddy Current Separator

Suspension Magnet

Electromagnetic Equipments :

Electro Magnetic Over Band Separator

Electro Magnetic Feero Filter / Slury Separator

Electro Magnetic Lifters

Electro Magnetic Suspension Magnet

Vibratory Equipments :

Vibrating Screening Machine

Vibratory Motor

Circular / Gyrator Vibro Screen

Electro Magnetic Vibratory Feeder

Vibratory Feeder

Vibratory Furnance Charger

Vibro Seprator

Vibratory Table

Pulsating Vibrator

Tubular Vibratory Feeder

Mineral Processing Equipments :

Shaking Table

Dry Gravity Table

Spiral Concentrator

Electro Static Separator

The past week had been particularly angsty, and I broke my self-imposed Kathmandu sobriety in order to down a bottle of red at a Bollywood-themed party. I woke up tstill able to taste the menthol cigarettes I had greedily sucked down, and I was dangerously close to being hungover.

But not so close that I was willing to break my plans for some Saturday morning yoga. I stood amidst the crowd of people and waited for a few minutes, until an American man came blustering into the studio. “Sorry guys!” He announced. “So sorry I am late!” I was really confused. What did he mean, late? It was still fifteen minutes before the class was scheduled to start!

We all headed into the room, and I set my handbag down and popped over to the loo to take a quick pre-yoga pee (always important). When I returned I noticed something strange. The others were sitting on blankets and bolsters. No yoga mats, and the teacher, Frank, was already instructing despite the fact that it was only 9:20. What in the holy hell was going on?!

The first word I registered Frank saying was “death.” It slowly started to dawn on me. This was not a yoga class. This was a meditation class.

I glanced over at the schedule on the wall and it was confirmed: This was the 8:50am Saturday morning meditation. The “9:30″ class that I had viewed online was indeed taking place…. all the way in Patan at one of Pranayama’s other studios. I had misread the Vibratory Motors Manufacturer ended up in a meditation. Exactly the place I was most scared to be.

My error was not the only factor that led to this fateful coincidence. On any other Saturday, had I made the same mistake I would have arrived at the studio and been faced with a locked door, the class half-completed. I would have checked the posted schedule, realized my mistake and left. However, this week, the one week that it mattered – Frank was late. He arrived 25 minutes late, seconds after I myself had arrived.

When I put all of this together in my head and realized that we were about to do one of the meditations I find most meaningful — death meditation — tears sprung into my eyes. “What a wonderful karmic surprise,” I thought, “and how fucking terrifying.”

See, karma or fate or God or pure chance — however you want to look at it — something got me on that cushion today. Some kind of wheel turned and set into motion the weird series of coincidences that led my sore post-trekking ass onto the floor of the yoga studio to sit and watch my breath and confront my own mortality.

The purpose of vivid death visualizations are to remind you that at any moment you could die, and so you should never put off the important things in life. You should apologize to people you’ve wronged. You should forgive everyone who has wronged you. You should do things you love. You should pray to whatever you believe in. And most importantly, death meditation reminds you that you should fucking meditate.

I tried to hide from the cushion, from the meditation — but it found me. Thank god. Thank Frank. And thank me.

[lakeeffektkid]

Last Goodbye is Never What We’re Here For (Part 1)

Title: Last Goodbye is Never What We’re Here For

Rating: Mature. This story can be very descriptive about sensitive subjects. Viewer discretion is advised.

Warnings: language, self-harm, homophobic slurs, hint at bulimia.

Notes: After a couple weeks, I’m proud this is finally out. I welcome constructive criticism, and any tips for improving writing angsty scenes.

Chapter 1: Must’ve Been a Bitch of a Day

Like he did on every Monday morning, Matt Webb stood in front of the bathroom mirror trying to fix the mess of brown that was his hair. Maybe part it on the left, he thought to himself. Nope. If that was even possible, it looked worse than normal. 

“Matt!” his sister, Amanda, yelled. “Are you done yet? I swear, you take longer than I do to get ready.” Was this going to happen every day this year, now that they were both in high school? He hoped not. 

 He sighed, then just messed up his hair again; another day, another terrible hair moment. It’s not like it mattered; his friends at school wouldn’t know the difference. Then again, these were the same friends that made bullshit remarks about how Matt couldn’t just kiss someone without knowing them. Not just the good old “hi, how are you,“ or "what’s your favourite colour?” small talk. He had to have a connection. They just didn’t get it.

 At least their reactions weren’t as odd as his parents were,* he thought. *My friends may be weirded out, but at least they make an effort. Maybe he should spend some more time with his parents, they gave him life— 

 "Matt! Hurry up!“ his sister’s voice rang out, distracting him from his thoughts.

 “Sure,” he replied, not really listening. Maybe she would go away. His hair was good enough. Just like everything else. It didn’t matter, like most things. 

 He had a tendency to dig himself a pit in his mind; to get so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he couldn’t get out. It was a bad habit, one his mother called a waste of time. The more thinking he did, the less he talked. The less he talked, the less his parents wanted to talk to him. “Good enough,” he thought to himself.

 Matt unlocked the door, walked outside into his yard, and waited for Josh to walk by. Josh, with the shaggy black hair that fell into his perfect blue eyes just right. It’s not that he liked Josh in a more than best friends manner. He just thought that the older boy was slightly attractive. Okay, maybe he did; it wasn’t something Josh needed to know, however.

 He twiddled his thumbs and got straight to thinking. It was better than nothing, after all. Josh was one of the few friends Matt had that accepted the younger boy for who he was, whereas his other friends just taunted him. Maybe it was the eyeliner Josh wore, or maybe it was the nail polish; for some reason, Matt had a feeling that Josh might like him back. Whatever the two of them were, he was sure the kids at school would find it weird as hell. He snapped himself out of his thoughts; he had to stay alert. If Josh made him late one more time… 

 A long five minutes and 30 noisy teenagers later, a tall human being sped past, dragging Matt along with him. "Hey,” the person said. Speak of the fucking devil. 

 "You really need to stop doing that, Josh. Someday, you’re going to break a limb.“ He could hear Josh slow to a walk beside him. A sigh fell from Matt’s mouth. "Long night?” he asked. 

 “Yeah, I couldn’t sleep no matter where I was. At some point, I just gave up and went back upstairs to get coffee. If I can’t sleep, I may as well get some shit done.“ Josh sighed. "I fell asleep in the kitchen at, like, five. Barely had time to eat breakfast.” Matt closed his eyes and stopped walking. Josh would’ve walked right past him, had Matt not grabbed his friend’s arm.

 "Did you actually eat something?“ he said, trying to stop the blood from rushing to his face. “This is how you slipped up before." 

 Josh shrugged, avoiding Matt’s gaze. "I did eat something… Just not much.” Matt heard his friend’s stomach growl. 

 “That’s what you said last week,“ he muttered. "Keep going, we’re going to be late.” He couldn’t believe that Josh was skipping meals again; especially after landing himself in the hospital the year before because of it. 

 “I won’t fuck up again, dude. At least, not in that way; new year, new mistake.” The conversation continued for several minutes, but not without discomfort.

 "Can…can we just not talk about this anymore?“ Matt said once the school came up in view. 

 Josh nodded solemnly and ran ahead, leaving the younger boy on his own. *Throw me to the wolves already, why don’t you?* he thought. 

 He pasted on a smile and headed to his locker, shoved his bags in and walked over to the glee club kids that were his “friends.”

 "Hey guys.“ He waved awkwardly. Monday was always the hardest. The people were touchier and more mean.

 "Hey Webb,” Ronnie replied, batting her eyelashes. He rolled his eyes, but kept his mouth shut. He hated when she did this, because no one can control who they like. 

 "Ronnie, let him go. You two don’t have a close enough emotional bond for him to even want to kiss you,“ Jason said, ignoring Matt’s presence. He hated it even more when an old friend of his, Jason, joined in. 

 "Yeah, let him go. I’m pretty sure he would rather screw around with what’s-his-name–” Delia said.

 "Josh,“ Matt interjected. This is about as close to fighting back as it got for him. Don’t stir up more drama, just try and get rid of it.

 "Yeah, him. I swear, he’s about as gay as you are,” she said. 

 Matt chuckled, knowing his “friends” would never get it. He pat Delia and Jason on the back, discouraging the taunting.

 "Never gonna happen. He’s a friend anyway.“ 

 Ronnie replied, "but that’s just what you’re into, isn’t it?” Maybe it was, but it’s not like he was going to say that. 

 The warning bell rang, sending Matt on his way to science; the one class he didn’t have with his “friends,” and spent with Josh instead. 

 "–and that’s when he…“ Josh said to a friend of his, trailing off once he saw Matt. "See you! Hey Matt…could you…?” Josh said.

 Even though Matt wanted to skip class to figure out what’s been going on with Josh, he had to actually go to science for a change unless he planned to fail. 

“Sorry, can’t. Goldberg is going to be pissed.” 

Josh’s face fell, but Matt had to worry about himself for a change. As much as Josh tried, he had no attention span for anything but music. That usually led to him failing a class or two a year, hence why Matt and Josh were both in grade 9 science. He took his usual seat by the window, and looked outside. It was a sunny day, which was uncharacteristic for a Vancouver autumn. The bell rang. Matt glanced behind him, and Josh wasn’t there in his usual back row desk.

Sometimes, questions needed to be asked. He pulled out his little phone and typed a message with the buttons.

 May 5, 2002 8:25 am

 To Josh: Where the hell are you? 

-Matt 

A reply popped up a minute later, an envelope on the small screen opening and closing with “you have a new message” written in bold below.

 May 5, 2002 8:26 am

 I just needed a break. Sorry

 -Josh

 Mr. Goldberg was already glaring at him, so he shut his phone and put it in his desk. Not without sending a second message a few minutes later, however.

May 5, 2003 8:28 am 

Be careful.

 -Matt

 When Josh needed a break, it meant one of two things: he was either in a bad mood and was smoking a cigarette outside or was in trouble and was locked in the nearest bathroom; neither was particularly healthy.

 "Mr. Webb, if you could bear to listen for a moment: tell me what ‘mitochondria’ is? In detail, if you please,” the teacher boomed.

 "It has something to do with energy, right?” Matt replied. “Not correct, Mr. Webb. Would you care to tell me where Mr. Ramsay is? It seems you two spend a lot of time together.”

 Shit, this is bad, he thought. If I ask to be excused, he’s going to think I’m sneaking off. Sadly, this teacher wasn’t very fond of Matt. At least they agreed to disagree.

 "I, um…I don’t know, sir,” he lied. “I h-haven’t had enough time to check." 

"Could I have your cellular phone, then?” Mr. Goldberg said. Matt blushed and walked up to the teacher, giving his cellphone away. “You should be getting it back at the end of the day.” 

 "Yessir…“ Matt said, and staggered slowly back to his seat. He swore he could see a few people laughing out of the corners of his eyes.

The rest of science class went by slowly, making the hour feel like three. By the time class was over, Matt dragged himself into one of the many boys restrooms in the school. He searched through the stalls, and all he saw was the face of a disgruntled eleventh grader and the dick of some random angry dude.

 After shedding the image of the past few minutes, Matt headed into another bathroom, the rarely used ones up in the French wing. If Josh wasn’t in there, Matt wouldn’t know where to look. 

 "Ramsay?” Matt called out. “Josh!” he yelled. “I know you’re in here, you’re not willing to walk that far just to skip class. Josh?” 

All he could hear was his own steady breathing, and the click of a lock. He walked cautiously towards the stall, but didn’t open the door. Sounds of sniffling came from inside.

“In here,” Josh said meekly, his voice weak.

 Matt followed the voice and pushed open the door. There Josh was, head buried in his knees.

 Matt kneeled down next to his friend, rubbing slow circles on Josh’s back. He pretended that he couldn’t feel the bones of Josh’s spine through his shirt. This was rather worrisome, if honesty was allowed.

“Hey. I…I’m sorry about earlier,” Matt said. 

“Are you alright?“ 

 Josh shook, sobs tearing through him. He spoke, but the only word either boy could decipher was "fuck.” His trembling hand rested itself on Matt’s shoulder, needing someone to make his demons get the hell away. Matt tried not to see the scrapes on Josh’s knuckles; he didn’t know what they were from, yet they were frightening nonetheless. 

 Josh lifted his head up, looking Matt in the eye. A bruise flowered across his cheek, leaving his naturally pale skin a sickening shade of purple. “Don’t worry about me. You have your own problems. I’m fine–” his breath hitched. “N-nothing’s wrong.“

"Just breathe, Josh. You’re clearly not fine, but I’m not going to bug you about it.” Matt pulled Josh’s head into his lap, letting him cry. “Clearly, it’s been a bitch of a day,“ he muttered.

 "No…fucking…shit!” Josh said in between breaths. Matt just wanted Josh to stop crying. It hurt him just to see Josh so vulnerable. 

Matt brushed Josh’s hair out of his eyes, in another attempt to stop this from becoming a worse situation. Close up, Matt could see the dark circles under his friend’s eyes, having lost that spark of mischief that both excited and frightened him.

“Can you hear my breathing?” Josh nodded. “Try to mimic it, okay?“ 

"I…can…try. Easier…when you’re not…fucking hyperventilating…” Josh said, voice and body shaking with fear. Matt sighed, trying to keep the frustration from his voice. 

“Please, Josh. For me…this isn’t easy for any of us. Think of how your parents–” The bell rang, signalling for the students to get to class. Neither boy moved. 

“They don’t know about anything. The only thing they caught onto was the not-eating. Nothing else.” Josh paused. “They have no idea. Please, can we keep it that way. Please?” 

 "I’m not going to tell them, i-it’s not my place… You can stay over at my house tonight, see the new environment helps you sleep.” Since nothing else worked, he may as well try distraction. 

“It probably won’t, but it’s better than nothing…” Josh said, sniffling. His hyperventilating had thankfully since stopped, but the tears continued to fall.

“Try it, for me. You only get this bad when you haven’t slept in a week.” Matt took a deep breath. “You’re scaring me, Josh.“ 

"Are you sure it’s not the raccoon face?” Josh said, referring to the eyeliner that had ran down his face mid-cry. The little smile that was placed on his face only made the moment weirder. 

Matt chuckled. “Pretty damn sure.“ 

"Can I tell you what happened now?” Josh said, turning onto his back. The dark circles under his eyes were getting pretty bad, from what Matt could see. Whatever was going on with Josh, it certainly wasn’t very pleasant. “I think I’m ready.“

 “Today, or ever?” 

 "One kind of bleeds into the other.” Josh just stared at the ceiling. “‘Excuse the pun…”

Josh walked into school on the first day, not feeling particularly happy, but not really feeling anything else either. He could feel the stares on his back, being the only guy in the vicinity who wore any makeup. Y'see, these looks wouldn’t have usually bothered him. In fact, he usually wouldn’t have minded the attention much, but this was a particularly self-conscious day for Josh. It was like they could tell what he did to himself this morning. It wasn’t like the throwing up made things any better; just a bit more bearable.

 He walked to his locker, ignoring the jocks shoving him into the wall, and the laughs from the drama club kids. His throat was sore, but it hurt so frequently, he didn’t really feel it anymore. Like everything else, it was 'ignore, ignore, ignore’ just to get through the day. By this point, Matt would’ve been hanging out with his friends from choir, so Josh couldn’t go over there. It was a class he was in as well, but that particular crowd of people were never that nice to him. What could he say? Some people just didn’t like him.

Josh went to math, a class he had just barely passed last year. He didn’t turn much in, just the small amount of class work that was mandatory; it made sense that he was barely pulling a D-minus.

 "Good to see you here, Mr. Ramsay,“ the teacher said, a fake smile etched on her ever-so-cruel looking face. He could feel her eyes carefully watching him, as if he would run out of the room that very second.

“Nice to see you, too, ma'am,” he said nervously.

Josh slowly walked to his desk, staring at the ground. It was like they could see the insignificant scrapes on his hand. He sat next to one of his friends, Brennan, and waited in silence for class to start.

 "Are you okay?“ Brennan asked. Josh just shook his head and ignored his friend.

There were about a dozen other equally bored students in the room; all of them waiting for a horrible teacher to start her class. The elastic that Josh used on his wrists instead of a razor was starting to pinch. Oh fuck, it was annoying.

He snapped it against his wrist. Not too much, only five times. No matter how much he did it, it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t leave any scars.

Josh saw Brennan give a look of concern in the corner of his eye, mouthing the words, “Are you okay?”

"No,” Josh mouthed back. But had he really ever been okay?

By the time class had started five minutes later than it was supposed to, Josh was already engrossed in his own mind; a place dangerous to go into on a good day, but deadly on a bad one. Thoughts about his weight somehow got in there, making the already upset boy worse. 

 “Fat-ass”

 “Cutting freak"

“Cock sucker" 

“Emo whore"

Josh continued to snap the elastic against his wrist, which was resting under the desk. The voices in his head wouldn’t leave him alone; for a change, it was his own voice. Snap. What the hell was he thinking? Matt will just leave him, anyway. Just like everyone else. Snap. Nobody ever stayed long. They left, they always left. They would, just because it was easier. Snap. He could feel the little blade in his pocket. Maybe he could… No. He couldn’t. At least, not in class. The cuts from last time were healing up nicely, mostly just scars now. Maybe he could go to the bathroom after class. Use the one upstairs, in the French wing, that nobody ever used. He could make the pain physical, take the time to get out of his own head. It would be nice.

He had made it a month since cutting; the bad thing was, it was probably the longest he’s gone in a year. God, he could use a hit right now. The stress was really starting to get to him. Seriously, he needed a fucking break.

“Trying to forget again, freak? It won’t work. The feelings never die.”

 He hated how he needed the heroin, but he just didn’t want to let it go. The bell rang in his ear, signalling that it was time to leave. Brennan opened his mouth again, but Josh ran off before he could find out what his friend was trying to say.

The bathroom was easy to find, it being the only one that Josh used. He figured he could stay here until class started, and sneak outside for a smoke once everyone was out of the halls. 

Josh pulled the razor out of his pocket. He bit on his lip as he dragged it slowly across his hip, doing the damage he so needed. The crimson slowly trickled out of the cut. It stung, but made everything so much better. Hearing a mumble from the stall over, he shoved the razor back in pocket. With the click of a lock, he was out of the safety of the stall, and face to face with one of his greatest tormentors: Alex Peters.

Well, shit, *he thought to himself. 

"It seems I’ve been caught…” Josh mumbled out loud.

“'Been caught’ doing what, freak?” Alex said, shoving Josh into the wall, putting pressure on the newly formed cut. Josh kept his mouth shut, afraid to speak. He could feel the stinging from his side, and the blood was seeping into his shirt. 

Alex’s eyes dropped their gaze to Josh’s pocket, where the little bloody blade had been resting. It was sticking out; Josh didn’t push it far enough into his pocket. Anyone could’ve seen it, trained eye or not. 

“Oh? Is the emo freak cutting himself in the bathroom again?” Josh shook with terror. They knew?

 “N-no I…I’m not,“ he stuttered. He had been so careful trying to hide the blood, even cleaning the cuts properly. It hurt like a bitch, but if it meant not going to the hospital, he’d do it. 

To make matters worse, another student had walked in: a friend of Matt’s. Josh didn’t know the guy’s name– all he knew was that it ended in ’-ason,’ or something like that. Josh saw the confused guy standing against the wall. It wasn’t like he was going to butt in; that would be a death sentence.

"Get out, Moriarty!” Alex grunted. “Can’t you see that I’m trying to get this little fag to talk?” Alex said, kneeing Josh in the stomach.

Josh squirmed, trying not to cry out; he didn’t need anyone else to know what the hell was going on in his head. “Leave me alone…” he mumbled under his breath. Jason ran out as quickly as he ran in after hearing the whimpering.

“What did you say, you little freak?!” Alex growled. He grabbed Josh’s hair and yanked on it, creating a feeling of pain in the back of his skull. “Tell me!“ 

"L-leave me the fuck alone, man…” Josh said, raising his voice ever so slightly. Alex yanked his head back farther, and slammed it against the wall.

 All Josh could do with the pain rippling through him was crumple to the ground. Alex left the bathroom, leaving the androgynous looking boy on the floor. He rested there in a heap, only moving to purposely empty his stomach out in a bathroom stall half an hour later. Nothing Josh did was meant to be a mistake; the throwing up just happened, but by next week, it would’ve become an addiction.

“What can I say, Matt?” Josh said, his head still resting in his best friend’s lap. “I’m a mess.” What could Josh have done to deserve this? He was the most honest person Matt had met. His blue eyes bore into your soul, leaving nothing in their path unseen; lips a little chapped, but the most kissable they possibly could’ve been. Matt wanted to, but it would’ve been so stupid. Josh was just a friend, and a kiss between the two of them would screw something up. 

“Yeah, you are a mess, Ramsay. You’re my mess.” Matt chuckled, brushing Josh’s hair out of his eyes. He could feel the butterflies wanting to burst from free his stomach. Josh was so, so beautiful, but he hated himself more than other people hated him. How could he not see it?

“But seriously, are you okay?“

"Y-yeah, I’m fucking terrific. That’s what getting beat up twice in one week earns, right?” Twice?

 Matt chuckled before resuming his previous serious persona. "Right. Look, we need to talk about this. Why do you let this happen to yourself? Why don’t you fight it?”

“If we’re going to talk about this, I want to be able to look you in the eye…” Josh said before sitting up. “I’m only going to be able to say this once.” Matt nodded, letting Josh keep talking. “You said I could stay over tonight? I think I’m going to take you up on that offer, since spilling my guts out here would not be the best idea. All I can say is that, after awhile, I just started to deserve it. My head is a fucked up place and everyone knows it; they just don’t know why. They don’t want to know, Matt.” He sighed. “It would give them another reason to hate me.“ 

 The bell rang, and they shared a glance before leaving. Without another word, Matt was off to his lunch break, and Josh was off to do god know what.