#WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT IM AN AGENT OF MY OWN LIFE

[pixiecaps]

do you think if mia had chosen to stop existing instead of jaser sofia would be alive? since she is the error in the cycle, the impossible thing that isnt meant to happen. understanding that in this context would mean that sofia is meant to live Or at least not die there per say. like calisto said only the god of fear could bring her back but the existence of mia is what throws everything off.

and i keep thinking about what calisto wrote in those last few documents in the cathedral. and his initial scene with veríssimo where he explicitly states that “but fear.. its impossible when you already know whats going to happen. do you understand?” so yes he saw all the visions including his own death so he knows like the others how hes going to die. but what makes him different is he doesnt feel fear or thats what hes implying. similarly to veríssimo who cant feel fear. which to me means calisto like veríssimo is marked by the god of fear. that is their element.

i also like that calisto doesnt know about mia and you learn that immediately. veríssimo says “all stories need an ending and its because of that im here. to end all of this. to save her.” talking about mia. and calisto says. “save her? you left to forget her!” talking about sofia. so calisto has no idea already. he believes that veríssimo abandoned sofia with no motive because he isnt aware of mia. the cycle itself is already teetering.

now considering this even before using the explosion ritual on himself and presumably dying he tells veríssimo, “i’ll see you in the other ending.” in his mind hes going to be the one to save sofia since he knows that the god of fear will bring about the other ending. none of this will have happened. sofia will come back. the thing is.. mia is the one who existed in the end. jasers choice predetermines whether sofia dies or not. mia was the part of the equation that calisto didnt consider because he couldnt have known.

another interesting part is when calisto states, “i understood the prophecies of the unhaunted one. i solved the enigma of fear. … what did i do?! I FULFILLED MY ROLE!” which we see throughout the game later on where calisto job in this cycle was to decipher all of jasers visons and guide the other agents to repeat the cycle etc etc. THEN HE SAYS “im going to bring her back.” again talking about sofia. which means that calisto did everything he did in that cycle with the motive of bringing about the other ending or in other words calisto wasnt just driven obsessively mad with the enigma of fear cause he wanted to solve it out of curiosity but because he wanted to save sofia. a great example of this would be the last document with the drawing of sofia that says, “only the god of fear can bring her back. only i can do this.” because his role throughout everything was to be the one deciphering all the visions. he was in charge of overseeing and successfully placing the pieces for the other ending to happen. but as we know sofia coming back to life doesnt happen. and im curious to see what calisto will do with that if anything?

cause the implication of the ending we got is that only mia truly remembers what happened and also that everything we saw never happened. so will calisto not even realize that everything he sacrificed to save sofia actually didnt work or pay off? im most anxious to see what calisto will be like now. especially with how quick he sent the group a text message. theres gotta be a certain self awareness to it all. for him at least. suddenly coming back to life and no one knows who you are cause its been decades? its interesting. i think i’d be Most interesting if we get calisto back and hes somehow still obsessed with the enigma of fear and getting sofia back. because that would alter everything so much more again.

[tothechaos]

being self aware is so frustrating. its like fuck! what do you mean that being aware of my own shortcomings doesnt absolve me of them and that being a passive observer of them is indistinguishable from being an active participant in them!

[girlivealwaysbean]

you know it's bad when you hit the 30 tag limit

[cats-thoughts]

@arcticsilver

really fun duo you have there. mind if i add arbitrary roles to their relationship dynamic so i can write one of them as an overprotective caretaker and the other as a naive helpless baby?

[victoria-grimesss]

tear you apart - part I

masterlist

->Pairing: König x fem!reader

->Words: 2.2k

->Warning: sexual thoughts, use of Y/N, close proximity, and tension, eventual smut

->Summary: König is kinda mean, dark and a little possessive but it’s all in good fun! A new girl catches the colonel's eyes, and he won’t let her go. Inspired by my favorite song Tear you Apart by She Wants Revenge.

->A/N: please let me know what ya’ll think, this is my first time writing anything spicy so im open to feedback. Also my requests are always open :)

The base is cold as it should be at this time of year, you transferred from the states to the Austrian KorTac base against your own wishes, you are a specialized stealth agent that the higher ups thought could be a valued member to the KorTac team. Wishing to be back in the sun but alas your new skies are clouded and mean.

It is what it is, you thought to yourself, lacing your boots, and emerging from your room. It’s always a weird adjustment process when you transfer to a new base, learning the way around like learning a new maze each time. The people were friendly enough although you didn’t know if it was because you were a new soldier or just because you were a new pretty face around that hadn’t heard any rumors about the seedy guys and their proclivities.

Altogether you have heard one rumor,

One big, tall, menacing rumor.

König

“The king”

Curiosity killed the cat and God help you, all you wanted was to know if what they said was true. Before you left for transfer you heard whispers when they found out where you were going.

“She’ll be miserable under his watch.”

“He’ll have her running laps and doing reps the first day for sure.”

“He’ll eat her alive.”

 “He’ll eat her alive.”

 Did these whispers make her shiver? Yes

Did these whispers make her restless? Yes

Did these whispers make her ache in anticipation? Absolutely.

 It’s been a long while since the last body occupied her bed, a touch a century ago, a kiss eons ago. All these fairy tales about this big, tall strong man that could throw her two football fields didn’t help her desperation at all.

She knew these thoughts weren’t appropriate, sleeping with a superior was frowned upon. He was probably married and happy, men like that don’t stay on the market for long. And from the stories she heard she obviously has no shot with him.

She rounded a corner from the barracks and exited to the outside courtyard, the air nipping at her skin. Dark clouds looms and the trees are barren of leaves ready for life anew. Approaching the main building the smell of sweat and metal entered her nose making way to the meeting room.

——

The debriefing was the same as all the others, the captain explaining what to do and who goes where. She nearly fell asleep until the doorknob turned, that’s weird, usually people don’t barge into these things halfway through… unless they’re king of the castle.

He enters the room, his aura dominating those around him. His stature is something to behold, well over six feet of pure muscle. He could break me over his knee like a glowstick and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it…

He stalks into the room greeting the captain, his voice it deep and dark and you want to hear more of it.

His gear makes him all that bulkier, his mask concealing his face and yea, if I were the enemy and I saw him running towards me I would definitely shit my pants.

He stands at the front of the room observing everyone in it and maintaining concentration on the presentation the captain is giving for the next mission. You try your hardest to maintain the same concentration but he’s just so tall and all the rumors are true he’s an enigma. You find your eyes drinking him in, from his shoes to the metal plates on his shins, to his..oh god… his broad broad shoulders. You imagine taking your hands and tracing over them feeling the thick muscles underneath his war-torn skin as you bring your hands lower-

 He shifts in place.

 Your eyes quickly dart away then to his eyes, his eyes locked on yours like a predator watching his prey.

You immediately break into a sweat, his eyes like a spotlight and they don’t move from you.

You look again to see if he’s still looking, he tilts his head a bit to the side and raises an eyebrow teasingly. Shit. oh no he’s hot. Like really hot.

Shifting in your seat, nervous beads of sweat dripping down your neck, the meeting is coming to a close and people start tucking in their chairs. König is still standing by the door, his eyes still locked on yours, I wonder what he’s thinking. I mean, surely if he’s a married man he wouldn’t be looking at me so hard….right? Maybe no one told him you were transferring so he’s just confused on who the fuck is this new girl in here I didn’t approve this. By now most of everyone has left the room, the projector is turned off, the map put away, the captain gone. You move your gaze to the floor and get up and tuck in your chair, clearing your throat, now realizing how eerily quiet the room is and you haven’t heard König make a noise since he greeted the captain. You make your way to the door, preparing to walk by him and out of the room.

An arm shoots out to block the doorway and you are forced to stop dead in your tracks keeping your eyes dead set on the long dark hallway in front of you.

“Your name soldier.” He barks, his voice smooth and dark like black coffee. The sweat beads up again and you know for a fact your face is growing hot.

“Y/N, sir.” You straighten your back and maintain my straight state.

He leans down. You can tell he’s looking at you and you raise your eyes to meet his and your heart is racing a million miles an hour and nerves are on fire you breath is uneven and you know he knows, I mean who wouldn’t be uneasy this close to him.

“I-I’m the transfer from the states sir, from the stealth unit.”

“I know who you are hübsches Mädchen, read your file. Approved your transfer myself.”

He replied, his eyes never leaving mine. He’s even more intimidating this close but something deep within you wants to reach out to him and quell this thirst for his touch.

“I appreciate you thinking me worthy to serve on this team, I won’t let you down.” You affirm with the little strength you have left. His gaze is piercing but intoxicating all the same.

He removes his hand slowly from the doorframe and straightens his back standing at his full height again. His begins again,

“Training at 0700 tomorrow morning be there, I’d like to see you demonstrate some maneuvers see if you need any additional training. I will be watching closely, do not disappoint me.” His arms are crossed now and he’s even larger than before.

“Yes, of course sir, I’ll be there.”

“I look forward to it.” His tone is light now, maybe even teasing.

You swear you saw him wink but maybe it was just the lighting and how it hit his mask.

“Well run along kleiner Hase; you need your beauty sleep after all.” He motions to the hallway and you take quick steps back to your room, cheeks still hot and breath still quick. It was going to be difficult to have him as your commanding officer.

——

Sleep didn’t come easy, tossing and turning and thinking about the way König devoured you with his eyes made you sweat and frankly being that close to him and replaying that moment over and over again didn’t help with your insomnia. You thought of him a lot that night, more than once, enough to make your hand cramp up. By the time it was daylight you were running off 4 hours of sleep and a large coffee you picked up from the mess hall. You trudged your way over to the main building again where the gym and training room was, once again passing through the courtyard.

The trees are still barren, and you almost slip on the sleet left on the pathway cursing to yourself and hoping to god no one saw.

The gym smells musty, the air vents clearly working overtime since the gym has some activity. A couple groups of pairs work on sparing on the far side and others work out alone. You walk over to the mats and stand to the side watching the two pairs fight for the upper hand, takedown training great, you knew how to do it most of the time on missions you were equipped with a silenced pistol and other quieter tools. Stealth takedowns are your forte but it can’t hurts to get more practice with face to face takedowns.

The fight with the two are done and you were too busy thinking to hear your voice being called.”

“Sergeant L/N!, to the mat.” König barked, his authority shaking the ground, not the best first impression on training day.

You apologize quickly and step onto the mat, your opponent being someone a bit taller than you but not by much, a weight to weight equal, should be easy enough.

König’s eyes watch you as you grapple with the opponent twisting his arm and throwing him over your shoulder onto the mat, you brace your knee on his neck and apply a small amount of pressure, the opponent taps out. He won’t lie, König felt his pants get tight from seeing you work so effectively. Your work is certainly good, he won’t lie, taking down someone so easily.

“Again, another.” He barks once more, his accent thick.

You take down another three opponents, you clearly are growing restless from the muscle exertion and signal to take a break. König watches with amusement.

“A break? What if this was real combat kleiner Hase, will you beg your advisories to adjourn their dissatisfaction for you? Beg them for a time out?” By now he’s stepped onto the mat with you, today he’s shed the outer layer of his gear just wearing his mask and usual military uniform, he still looks just as hot.

“There’s no time for breaks out there as you know, and when you come up with a larger enemy you must be able to take them down as well.”

Fuck.

He wants you to take HIM down, your muscles are already weak from the last three fights he surly knows you’ve exerted yourself right? Right?!

“Go on schatz, I’ll let you make the first move.” His voice has an edge of teasing to it and you want to rip off his mask and see the smirk you know he’s displaying.

You huff

“Very well sir.”

You move to grapple his middle trying to take out his legs, he’s sturdy like a tree and you think if you can take out his legs he’ll go down like one. He budges only slightly when you hit on a pressure point and just when he’s moving and you think you’ve gain the upper hand he sweeps your legs from underneath you and has you pinned. Your wrists are bound by one of his hands above you head and he’s got both of his very thick thighs straddling you.

Your face grows hot at your defeat, especially all your other coworkers seeing it too. But it burns even hotter when he comes down close to your ear and whispers to you,

“You look very pretty underneath me schatz, so pretty when you are short of breath.” He laughs, that bastard.

You can’t admit it but your panties grow damp at his words and your body is on fire, although to those around you it just looks like you’ve over exerted yourself with a tad too much training.

König stand, his height from down here is astonishing. He reaches a hand down and lifts you to your feet but he’s so strong you accidentally collide with his chest before taking a quick step back. You mumble an apology.

“You fight well L/N, no doubt you will be a fine addition to this team. Although you will need to know how to take down large adversaries so I can help you with additional training of course.”

He holds his hand for you to shake it and you meet him halfway, his large hand grips yours and you get a flashback to feeling it wrapped tightly around your wrists, you shiver.

König’s gaze casts down upon you, no woman has yet to capture his attention the way you have. Many have tried. Thrown themselves at him in an unsavory manner, but you, oh you’re different. He admires the way you speak to him, although not many words have been exchanged between the two of you he prays there are more.

Your hair, your eyes, your body, all of it has entranced him and the moment he laid eyes on you, the others know. The way his gaze is steady and dark on you the others know you’re off limits. He yearns to learn more of you, to hear of your history as he strips your clothes off one article at a time under the dim lights of his office. He must be patient though. You are like a deer, scared in the spotlight and he must not spook you, he stands still until you come to him. For now he stares.

[opal-owl-flight]

Quick lore question, did marie considering the idea of replacing 4 play into the insecurities she has later?

Absolutely.

I wanna preface this by saying one thing: Young 4 was a COMPLETELY different person before she got recruited by Marie. And Marie...responds to her accordingly.

Long read abt Hero2 events below!! Its. A lil messy sorry qisjke these are my notes

Young 4? A bitch.

Everything she ever wanted was given to her. Moved out of the highlands with an ego the size of a planet (and also bc she felt suffocated there), thinking she can make it in the big city.

...she struggled to make it alone. She had moved out bc her family was suffocating her with love, but now theyre not here, so now she feels homesick and underappreciated.

All that is expressed by her harsh, bitchy attitude. Shes gonna be mean bc no one has seen her for who she is. She'll show them!!

She finds her way around like this, and discovers that shes just as good at turf war here and at home. In fact, shes *so* good that she got the status of a rising star!

It aaalll just gets into her head. Shes "proven everyone wrong" now. Shes got the superiority complex and can back it up.

Marie...

...saw this. She was looking for a new agent to help find the missing zapfish. The second 4 heard this from her, she flexed her arms and...

"Look no further, your hero is RIGHT HERE!"

Marie at first adored the spunkiness of this new agent. Uuuntil 4 started thinking that shes better than her.

"Watch out, Agent Four!"

"You watch YOURSELF, grandma! Think Im a damn idiot to not see that coming? WAHA!"

Marie rolled up her sleeves after several stages full of her ignoring orders or sassing her out of nowhere.

Is that how shes gonna be? Fine.

When 4 finally trips and falls, hard, on a particularly difficult level, Marie pulls her to the side to fix her up and give her a lecture that tore her fucking ego to shreds.

She says something so fucking harsh like "That attitude will make SURE that you die sad and alone. I wonder how anyone puts up with you."

4s too hurt by her own failure to say anything back.

The reality of war finally gives her a reality check. Each victory is earned. its her life on the line. And the world.

She regains her spunk after saving the world.

------

Silly 4. She gets the job done but it takes a LOT of pushing in the mid-stages. Its like she got legitimately bored after the initial super easy ones, and thought the entire campaign a joke.

She went back to her turfing life topside between stages. And she takes a WHILE to come back to her missions -- usually late!! And then before she even goes in she just HAS to yak Marie's face off with what she was doing up there.

"Youre late."

"You shouldve SEEN ME, Marie!! I was carrying that Rainmaker round! I was-"

"Pray tell, Agent Four. How will you keep participating in turf with the Zapfish gone?"

"Whaat? Cmon. Nothing seems to be changing! Theres still power through the city!"

"The backup supply wont last forever, you know."

"Yeah yeah. Okay. Im here now. Wheres the next kettle?"

This attitude is from her high school days, clearly. She breezes by everything so fast that she can afford to do things last minute. It affects even this.

That, alongside her talking smack back to Marie, is what makes her snap at 4. Its what makes 4 stick to the mission fully starting late area 4 and area 5. (This is also around the time 4s life was threatened. God help me in those stupid platforming stages)

Post Hero2, 4 more or less does what 3 does. Shes the "replacement" til 3 comes back. (That cant be good for her confidence.)

At the same time, she has to deal with Callie and Marie talking out what the fuck Callie did with Octaria. "THEY SQUIDNAPPED GRAMPS!!!" and all. Why help them??? They get into squabbles where 4 was the unfortunate witness to. And peacemaker. It does NOT help that Callie for a while kept putting the glasses back on!!!

4 wishes so bad she had help of any sort. She feels 3 might be able to do something but what does she know?? Shes never met em!! She just imagines what the missing agent would do in that situation.

Callie...was also the person she got close to. Shes fun (unlike the stuck up Marie), shes empathic, she opened 4s eyes to the Octarian plight. It made her acceptance of 8 later much smoother.

Im not saying shes not close to Marie either, I bet they healed their relationship around this year too. Marie's sorry she tore 4s ego the way she did (even if deserved...). Marie's much more supportive of what 4s doing topside. Shes expressing her pride in the agent she found much more openly. (She brags abt her to Callie at times.)

The three of them heal together in that time. 4 sees them as older sisters Im p sure. Theyre both giving her tips for turfing and -- Marie even helps her with homework, HAH

And...while I say that 4 and Marie are in better terms, there are still days where Marie blows up on her. Lesser extent than before, but shes *worried* for her agent! (Its a similar plight 3 has.) In those times, its Callie who has her back. ("Hey! Its not like shes not trying!!" Callie understands how it is, and she also knows Marie best -- shes the one who makes 4 understand where Marie is coming from.)

[pnfc]

todays timefilling activity was trying to list all the ways perry's status as an animal has bearing on his circumstances/character. since a lot of these ideas crop up when im thinking about au or human versions of him

unique effects of perry being a platypus:

prefatory notes: -these aren’t all hard canon, they’re a blend of canon/speculation/my personal preference -some are inconsistent in the show, eg perry being banned from riding a bus but allowed at a casino / dubiously allowed to drive a car. these are potential challenges, not universal ones -some of these circumstances can be wielded strategically for perry's benefit (eg perry exploiting assumed mindlessness) so everything listed isn’t 100% negative -some of these can be superficially mapped onto a human version of perry (eg inability to speak), but they’ll have different nuances if he’s not an animal

note i’m not arguing that any one of these points is fundamental to perry’s character, although they do add up to a set of life circumstances with significant bearing on who perry is in the show. this isn’t a case for the eminent superiority of a canon compliant perry over any au version, which is a matter of personal preference. you could similarly list out all the human-specific qualities of an imagined human perry, and you could find that version of the character more or equally compelling -- but these are qualities unique to the canonical platypus perry. (and i do think all of them are fun to explore, on their own and in the context of him having a rship with doof)

note also there ARE canonical au versions of perry for whom these conditions don’t apply, due to him having a different rship with the flynn-fletchers or owca or doof, or him being a different species! e.g. agent p from ‘temple of juatchadoon’ doesn’t appear to have any relationship with the flynn-fletchers ; parable the dragonpus could have any number of physiological differences, like a massively extended lifespan ; the star wars version of perry likely doesn’t face the same kind of judgment/scrutiny over his species or over interspecies relationships

ok

neutral or positive qualities related to perry’s species:

best most immutable aspect of perry being a platypus: he’s a platypus. ie a cute lovable little animal guy with all these cool platypus features like his swimminess and his electro-bill and his whappy tail and his soft warm fur <3

2nd best (debatable) aspect of perry being a platypus: doof thinks all of the above daily

being an animal means he can communicate with / ally with other animals when he wants to

being an animal who isn't a common pet can occasionally yield specialized treatment, e.g. he gets more respect than a cat or dog in some public spaces, he can 'pass' for a human more easily, and many people can't identify what he is

has a unique rship with the flynn-fletchers and especially phineas&ferb -- they named and raised him, are functionally his parents, even if he catches up to / outpaces them developmentally. he gets to experience a loving parental dynamic from them.

also has a unique rship with monogram and carl, who brought him up through the academy. (based on the owca book, and perry’s current dynamic with mono in particular, this was probably less than wholesome/loving treatment)

no standard human education: is educated/propagandized at owca, and is otherwise self-educated or learns through osmosis

has no known biological family

(i like to assume) born/raised in danville, so isn't actually australian

would face less/no prejudice specifically along the axis of him being trans or intersex, it’s more invisiblized for him (otoh him being in a gay rship, less invisiblized)

is an endangered species

physical limitations/difficulties due to perry’s species:

is unable to speak human language (specifically because he’s an animal; he can make platypus sounds -- his rship with muteness would change if he was human) and (as far as we see in the show) is untrained in asl, so his communicative abilities are restricted

produces dangerous venom that he has to be careful of

very short and tiny (which he CAN use to his advantage but can also disadvantage him in human society, or in general - him trying and failing utterly to pull lyla up the train, lol)

likely has limited understanding of his own anatomy/physiology

(realistically) more vulnerable to heat than a human, potential dietary restrictions, less professional medical support available, seasonal hormone fluctuations

societal judgment/restriction of perry based on his species:

forbidden from accessing some human spaces / doing certain human activities

assumed to be mindless or unintelligent, assumed to be non-autonomous and a pet. generally disrespected (even doof is not innocent of this)

can be treated as a child, due to his young age (tho he's a mature adult in platypus years)

perceived by some as less-than-a-person, worth less than a human

by extension, heinz or any human partner/friend faces judgment for prioritizing/being in a rship with him as an animal (even a platonic one)

ways perry’s role as an owca agent is fucked due to his species:

raised as a child soldier, groomed into his career/given no choice in it, and in his short time on earth has had no opportunity to question or escape from it (due to the host family placement which effectively blackmails perry 24/7)

unclear if he has a right to his own person (owned by owca? and/or superficially owned by the flynn-fletchers?) or a legal government presence (e.g. can he legally own assets? he gets an income, but as an animal does the government acknowledge him as the owner of whatever accounts? is he forced to assume a false human identity? is he a citizen? can he rent?)

raised outside of his species, so quitting and living in nature among his own is not an option for him, he is forced to live in a society not built for his species

estranged from his fellow agents on the basis of species, esp. since the majority of them exhibit more instinctive/untamed animal behaviors that perry finds frustrating/unrelatable

forced to hide his intelligence/personhood/capacity for love and complex relationships among his family (much more severe than just hiding a secret job)

also: they make him eat canned worms and use a litterbox, and we know perry finds this humiliating :(

he has limited autonomy around his family -- is subject to the whims of their travel plans, etc. is technically always performing his job, since he has to maintain cover at home. down-time where he can openly express himself is extremely limited.

not legally protected on the level of a human, so if he dies owca likely will face no consequences - they perform animal experiments on him

has limited (if any) job prospects outside of owca - and doesn't get human worker protections

problematic aspects to perry’s romantic prospects:

literally a minor. literally a 41 year agegap with heinz. obscene

more to the point: ppl assuming perry can’t be in a healthy/consensual rship because he’s an animal

has limited life experience and no romantic experience. heinz is his first romantic connection, and there’s a huge imbalance of experience there.

has severely limited and complicated romantic prospects outside of heinz due to his species (an issue heinz does not share)

(presumably) can’t legally marry heinz, and even if he did many people would not regard him as a serious romantic partner (or stepdad, etc)

his natural lifespan is about a third of a human’s, so he and heinz probably have disparate time left, by a matter of decades (additionally, perry will probably die before most people he knows)

how the heck do a human and a platypus have sex… i’m gonna have to think about this one (more to the point: there’s no established precedent for a romantic and/or physical rship between their species, they have to figure it out on their own. that includes negotiating any imbalance in their sex drives)

[whenishipiluxurycruiseit]

Song Inspiration - Kalam Eineh by Sherine

DCMK AU! Edogawa Conan did not take the antidote AU!

(Honestly im just typing it here so i couldnt forget my idea, i cant write well so its gon be a prompt or something)

Edogawa Conan did not take the antidote due to the chances of dying is greater than going back to Kudou Shinichi (15% Success rate only)

Kudou Shinichi proclaimed MIA/KIA in the operation destroy the alcoholics

Conan living his childhood the second time and making it better compared to his last, means he is more matured in this second childhood of his (like duh he like 17 yrs old inside HAHAHAH)

Ai was already planning not to go back to her old life and remain as Haibara Ai, so she spends it with Conan making this second childhood better (unlike Miyano Shiho who was bullied for being asian in america)

They make their dreams come true by being a menace child to everyone

Dw Conan and Ai are very happy (they are kinda depressed but they cope well now)(very strong poker face!!) they smile a lot and more carefree than before

Parters in crime frfr they treat each other as siblings

Edogawa Conan still lives with Ran and helps her cope through Kudou Shinichis proclaimed death

Conan and Ai graduate Highschool by the time they’re 15 yrs old

They did not go to college and instead just.. travel everywhere (they’re smarter than college kids anyway)

First they travel with Kudou Yuusaku and Kudou Yukiko bc well.. they minors and the Kudou couple is Conan’s guardians(parents) and became Ai’s guardians too

Though when they old enough they travel on their own both of them or each on their own

Conan being a freelance detective and Ai being a dunno, info broker

Conan is not really a law abiding citizen anymore, he just follows what he thinks is right thus sometimes help Lupin III when he meets them coincidentally during his solo or with Ai travels

Lupin III team as his second fam (or third??) frfr

“Papa!” “I told you not to call me papa!”

“Jigen the brats our nephew now *wipes tears*”

Conan occasionally visits Japan, like during one of the Tantei Shounen Dan’s bday or smthg or some case that needs his help

(Oh yea) Conan is Kudou Shinichi’s replacement (kind of) in MPD Division 1 golden boi

He is also divisions 2 golden boy (kid killer wahhaha)

Conan is also the FBI agents golden boy

When FBI found out Conan is not planning to go to college, they set their fangs on him and recruited him (no questions asked due to the number of recommendations from the FBI agents in Japan)

Not only FBI but also CIA (Conan’s the peacemaker between the rivalry of the two)

Also interpol (they like the smart kid who snucked(?) in before their base in Japan)(cute kid)

So no matter how many law Conan breaks in some country, they got his back and he knows it (that its kinda illegal but who cares they do the job they needed him to do anyways, use the privilege)

Also some of them knew about his situation the shrunked teen situation and his Edogawa Conan identity is alllll fake and is made through the power of position in the world (along with Haibara Ai)

Conan goes here and there to solve hard ass cases but now it’s not only centered around murder but also politics so he study a lot! (“Should’ve gone to college instead of this dang…”)

All expenses paid by his employers ofc

After like a few yrs, like when hes 19, Ai made a perfect antidote that will bring their old body back safely

Ai only made one pill cause she didnt need it, but she knows Conan might want it so its there waiting to be swallowed by Conan

Conan took it for funsies

He did not know it was permanent

He has now two identities, Edogawa Conan and the proclaimed KIA/MIA Kudou Shinichi

He thought he could use it to prank others

“Whoa so this is what I look like in ten years, haha i should prank them that I went back in time from the future haha”

“u are not going back to the future”

“what”

Thus he got stuck in swiss for nearly a month so he could make excuses with the help of Ai (“STOP LAUGHING AT ME U ASS, WHY DIDNT YOU SAY IT WAS PERMANENT” “what a dumbass 😂”)

He kinda uses both identities but mostly the Conan identity

“W-what is that Kudou Shinichi..? I thought he was-“ *wears the glasses* “oh its just you conan kun whew”

Conan feels like hes clark kent and wonders when will he die (of embarrassment cause srsly why did he make this more harder for himself? Though its fun watching people confuse me for me haha)

Those he did not tell about his secret in Japan are having an aneurysm bc what the heck is that kudou shinichi on international tv am i dreaming am i dead is he dead who is dead?… were they dead all along and life was just a simulation that they’re playing in the afterlife

The Kudou Couple are laughing, and Conan is also laughing at the chaos he caused (also he will not be clearing it up for the funsies, he got infected with his parents twisted sense of fun)

Ofc what kind of kaishin shipper am i if i dont include kaishin right?

Kaishin did not happen

Why? Well because conan suddenly left like a rat (and well he did not decide to take the antidote anymore)

Conan helped Kaitou KID defeat his enemy organization in the age of 8 (18) (he destroyed it after he decided he will not take the antidote, which was like i dunno a week after he took down the BO)

Kaito thought that was like the sweetest proposal ever (tantei kun i will say yes to heaven say yes to you)

Conan did not propose instead he told KID that Kudou Shinichi is KIA/MIA and will not be coming back while visiting KID in the hospital

Kaito was like wdym ure here, Conan’s like yea /conan/ is here but shinichi is gone (like the angsty grade schooler that he was)

Kaito was fine with that as long as he can see his tantei kun

His tantei kun was coping through Kaitos heist and he did not mind at all cause hey its fun! (Being chased by ur first love and everything- well other than those soccer balls, but hey as long as its from tantei kun ill take it)

Kaito told tantei kun to find out his real identity and said that he will reward him

The day after Kaito said that he got a text from tentei kun (“so whats the reward kuroba kaito nii chan”) (kaito just blushed “since when did u know” he texted back) (“from the moment u pissed me off”) (“yes sir im sorry”) (“so? What is my reward?”) (“do you know what date it is on monday?”) (“april 1st?”) (“i’ll be waiting tantei kun~”) (“whoa what a sap”)

Kaito confessed to Conan during april 1st on the rooftop of Haido Hotel that he liked (love, conan, shinichi was his first love. Aoko was a crush that died during eigth grade and became a sister to him instead) him and

And was rejected softly

It hurt

So much

But looking at tantei kuns sad smile and appreciating eyes, it kinda lessened a little bit (kinda, a little bit, hurts a lot though)

“I.. don’t want you to be placed in this weird situation. As I’ve said, I have no plans in going back as Kudou Shinichi, and I can’t destroy this life, as Edogawa Conan, for a 15% chance of living.. I’m still here, but as a child. An 9 yr old child.. Thank you and I’m sorry.” (I like you too, but I like to too much to grab on to you and make you wait for years, I don’t want that, you can only go through your teens once and I don’t want that to be wasted on me. I love you.)

“… I… I can wait for you..” “I know, but I don’t want you to.”

Because Kaito is a masochist, he asks for a request

“Can.. can you tell me you love me..? I don’t mind if its just a pretend but please, I won’t ask for anymore please Tantei-kun, Shinichi, I-“

“I love you, Kaito.” Conan says as he pulled the teenager’s shirt down and kissed him on the lips for the first and last time. “I love you, Kaitou KID.” /Conan/ says as he hugs Kaito and feels the tears that are beginning to wet his back.

“Thank you, for loving me, for falling in love with me.” Shinichi says as he looks to Kaito’s eyes, kissed both of his eyelids close, and left quietly. ‘May this be all a pleasant dream to you.’ Shinichi, Conan thought as he hears Kaito’s cries behind the rooftop door.

They did not meet for 2 weeks after that, Kaito KID announced a hiatus and Conan, Conan looked at Ran (nee chan, kind, understanding, lovable Ran nee chan. Who did not have the strength to get angry at him when he told her the truth, who still let him stay at the agency, cooked, took care of him even after all that was revealed. Who he started to look as a sister but it did not make him love her less) and decided to let them meet

Yes people kairan(i dont ship it btw, its just for plot reasons, also inspired by a fic like how the most of this idea came from) happened, but not in the romantic sense, in a I share your pain sense, lets dwell on it together and people misunderstands sense

They meet through Conan’s “Sonoko nee chan I heard that there was a magician who is as good as KID performing at the Beika Performing Hall!”

Sonoko the kind bff that she is “Ran lets go! Lets take your mind off Shi- uh the recent news and look at some magic trick yea? Its gonna be fine! Look I’ll even bring the kids-!” “Oh- I’m fine Sonoko nee chan, My parents will come home that time so you can go with the others without me!”

Kaito and Ran meet and Ran is like “Shinichi..? No, you’re! KI-“ “Shhh! Ojou-san, seriously you’re sharp as Metantei, does he train you?”

Why does Kaito not bother rebuking Ran’s guess is bc Ran saw him using Shinichi’s face a lot which means Ran saw him without disguise a lot of times to know that hes KID

Weird friendship acquired!

New knowledge acquired! (Seems like he was not the only one dumped by their first love, and also seems like they did not get over yet from their first love who is coincidentally the same person! Wow tantei kun if only you know)

(Kaito’s kinda jelly though cause Ran and Shinichi had a /label/ while He and Shinichi… hmph! At least Tantei Kun did not hide his real self from me!) (he’s coping so hard, he knows)

They spend a lot time together to the point people thought they were dating (they weren’t)

Conan is included in people. (He’s kind of relieved that they found solace in each other but also kind of sad cause of all the people he loved romantically (once with Ran and currently with Kaito), he could not date them properly (Ran) or couldn’t even try to date them (Kaito) thus them ending with each other… should he just like a lot of people so those people that he likes will like each other? Does that mean he becomes a match maker?… does he have to like Hattori and Kazuha-chan do they could confess to each other cause Hattori is kinda annoying currently..)

Kaito and Ran saw Conan (Shinichi) looking at them and smiling sadly, giving his blessings mentally (please give all the good luck that I have to both of the people I love) and ah.. fk.. should we.. make it real..?

They did, they officially dated, but just to be with the person they related the most (and also because how Shinichi (Conan) looked at them, like how he wanted that for himself but /just cant/ and gave up and ah if he wants us to be together so shall it be, its not a bad pair anyways.. cope cope) not romantically

Bc of their not so relationship relationship, they dated for 5 yrs and got married. (Just to make some of their friends shut up about when will you marry and oh! Still dating? Ran/Kaito I want to see my cute darling nephews/nieces! Ugh)

(After their marriage, Conan left for somewhere they can’t reach him, but he promised to update as much as he can so.. also Ai-chan is with him to help him remember his promise)

They have kids! Twins in fact (and they’re so glad its twins cause both of them dont think they can do /that/ again.. not when they both loved the same man, they still shudder when they remember the night they made the twins, it was when they both got drunk too, on.. Shinichi’s (Conan’s) supposed to be death anniversary)

They named them Shin (新) and Ichi (一), both boys!

“Why are you named one when theres two of you?” Asked their Uncle Conan during his sudden abrupt visit in Japan, Shin and Ichi are about three yrs old now! “Because Mom said she and dad thought that I was only one! Then surprise surprise there was a new (Shin) one behind me!” Explained Ichi, the youngest of the twins

(Apparently the oldest of the twins are the ones who are conceived last, because they were made in the womb first, they are hidden behind bc their twin will form in front of them, that’s according to my friend who has a twin HAHAH so dunno rlly)

Uncle Conan is laughing so hard he folded in half! “HAHAHAHA! Oh my Lord, they got Hakase’s bad pun jokes, gosh I’m sorry my cute nephews, you guys became a victim.” Uncle Conan said while laughing, wiping a tear from his face, “anyways.. for the million dollar question! Why are both of you on the rooftop of this building?”

Cause seriously, who left his nephews here on top of the building?! Theres no one with them too! Conan is positively sure that their parents are not that irresponsible to just leave them here alone! So who-!

“Papa said to stall time! So he could catch you before you leave again!”

Oh.. it.. it was one of the parents.. “.. and your mom allowed him..?”

“Yep! Because she said that uncle is so hard to catch these days! She said uncle is like a slimy fish!” Shin exclaimed, “Whoa, she said that word infront of your dad?” Conan asked worriedly, “No.. not really, Mama just said ‘slimy f!’” Shin answered bashfully

“Haha! Thought so! Anyways Uncle can’t really stall more time anymore so here! I’ll give you your favorite chocolates in exchange for letting me go!” Conan said cheerfully and like magic, poofs a bag of chocolates in his hand. He wasn’t tied up, but well, children must learn how to ask permission eh? (Also bribery but well what they dont know wont hurt them)

“Waahh! Really! Okay Uncle! Be careful!” Both boys replied readily and greedily takes the bag of chocolate from his hands, “Ha! Both of you really took after your father huh?” He commented softly, after placing some tracking and listening devices on their clothes he said his goodbyes, “see you my cute nephews! Share some to your dad too ok! Wait for him to get you here, bye bye! Love you!~” he said as he leapt from the rooftop.

“Bye uncle! Love you too!” Both said after getting five chocolates each for themselves because their mom is scary if she finds out that they ate more than required of them! And they dont want cavities!

“Shin! Ichi! Where is your Uncle Conan?” Kaito panted as he jumped down from his handglider(?) wearing his full Kaitou KID regalia, minutes after Conan left. “Papa!/Dad!” His twins exclaimed as they ran to hug him, “Uncle Conan just left a while ago!” “He gave us chocolates!” “He also placed some devices on us when he was about to go!” “Uncle told us to leave some chocolates for you!”

Just barely made it then.. Kaito sighs. Honestly his children are too much like him to be easily swayed by chocolate ‘Dang it Shinichi you won again.’ He thought as he picked both of his kids up, “Let’s go home shall we? Mom is waiting for us for sure!” “Miso soup!” “Karaage!” “Dearests its evening, don’t you think those are for breakfast foods?” “Miso is miso!” “Karaage is karaage!” “Just like chocolate is chocolate papa!/dad!” “I agree so much”

Conan laughs as he listens to their conversation, well it looks like its fine over there, he thought as he placed a box full of quality fruits at the kuroba-mouri doorstep.

…

That was a year ago, so pray tell, why Shinichi is on international TV CALLING HIMSELF CONAN?!?! The couple, Kaito and Ran, shrieked, along with their phones going off bc of numerous calls and texts of ‘DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE RAN?????’ ‘R WE DEAD??’ ‘ISTG WAS THE TEN YRS A DREAM AND HE WAS ALIVE ALL ALONG?!?!’

its a good thing that the kids are staying on their grandma Chikage for the night..

Theres actually more in my head.. like their reunion and stuff but well, its already 1:41 am and all i was planning to do was to read kaishin fanfic so gahdang why am i here HAGSHAGSH

Yes, endgame is kaishin, well for this one, in my head yea, i dunno with urs after u read those

No, i dont really like poly relationships that much, im more of a one to one person not three in one plus one happy happy happy kaarawan type of shipper

Yes, Timeskip Ran now sees shinichi like how shinichi sees her, a sibling type of love

No, even with their long relationship and marriage and kids, Kaito and Ran did not really fall in love with each other, they love each other yea but not how like Kaito loves Shinichi and how Ran used to loved Shinichi, its a love built on mutual understanding where they ‘ah, you too? Yea i feel you..’ they see each other as bffs that slept with eachother for one time and decided that yep, its not you, but the kids are here so lets raise them properly yea?

Yes, kaito is still deeply inlove with shinichi (conan), he follows shinichis trail closely or as close as he can get knowing how shinichi goes country to country every frikin time like cant you stay for fIVE MINUTES IN A COUNTRY SHINICHI?

Yes, shinichi (conan) is still in love with Kaito (so well i technically lied on the first bullet on the kaishin one cause they did happen.. just.. so.. soo.. much later

“What will happen to the twins then if kaishin is endgame?” While I don’t really support divorce, but due to how I made their, Kaito and Ran, relationship work, the kids will go to the custody of Ran, but Shinichi will make sure that only, and only when the kids are able to understand the schematics of their relationship will he allow the divorce to go through and let Kaito pursue him (i believe in marriage counseling first before marriage so you can have second thoughts about a lifelong choice, which I did not do to Kaito and Ran, sorry lovelies)

The twins when they got much older understood and was cool abt it, like wow we have like two cool dads (one their previous uncle now stepdad) and one cool mom what a cool family we are hehe, also they dig the ten yrs from now failed prank of Conan (Shinichi), cause when he, conan, picks them from school for who knows like family trip or something they like so yea this is our uncle ten yrs from now so cool right he time travelled for us were a cool and smart family

So yea feel free to ask questions! Though this is mostly what I have with this au really, i dont have much with the other characs but if you ask I can think of some or you can think of some Haha! Just comment below! Cause i dont know how to navigate the ask part of tumblr yet HAHA! Byeee

[hiemaldesirae]

Swap AU:

Vox and Alastor's breakup/Fight was huge--and messy as fuck. Quite simply, unlike what canon is hinting at where Valentino came to Vox's rescue and Alastor ruined one of his Antenna it didn't happen here--and for those 7 years, Alastor lived with the belief he'd killed his beloved Vox. Which is the main reason why Alastor took over the entertainment district--too keep anything of Vox's alive. So yeah, Alastor runs the Vees. TV isn't as powerful--Radio is in every house, but huge televisions are on every corner, running 24/7 informing sinners of news and such and you can rent a tv alongside videos. (And the big TVs show Valentino's porn for a few limited hours at night. Val is....not someone Alastor cares alot for, especially once it comes out Vox sent an SOS to him. Once Velvette and Nifty become friends however, Alastor can see what Vox saw in Velvette.)

Vox's deal with Lucifer is alot more freer then whatever canon Alastor has going on. Lucifer's only command is this: Help and Protect Charlie to the best of your abilities and I'll give you power. The more you help her the more power you'll get in return.

So Vox doesn't really want to free himself at the moment--why would he, when helping the Princess would get him ridiculous amounts of power? (And with this power, he could protect himself from Alastor? He'd never be afraid of dying a second time again.) And that's why he avoids radios, knowing if Alastor picks up his voice the deer will know he's up and alive.

Upon his return and realization that Overlords aren't solo acts anymore and that Alastor owns the Vees and the entertainment district, Vox gets in contact with a hidden Overlord that owes him big time--after all, Vox did stop him from betting his soul and well seeing how Valentino's life is absolute shit at the moment it's a good thing he did.

Husker is, of course grumpy as ever, but agrees to take on his overlord status again and Join Vox at the Hotel--both of them proclaiming themselves as allies and the Hotel and the area around it their territory, easily surrounding the land with hearts, spades and lightning bolts.

While the two overlords are decorating, Angel Dust lifts up his phone, and takes pictures of Vox, and sends them to Valentino.

Valentino prints them out, and drops them off at Alastor's desk, murmuring about how having Angel Dust at the hotel might be a good thing after all.

HI AGAIN SWAP NONNY!!! youre so cool marry me. I mean what wait who said that

oh my GODDDD fuck the idea that alastor thinks he fucking KILLED vox when the other disappeared... im gonna be SICK he thought he killed his beloved and because of it even though he hates modern technology and all the buzz and noise that comes along with it he decided to take control of the entertainment district because itw as the only thing he thought he had left of vox... do you think he kept like voxs old heads or something and like has a makeshift grave or something. and he hates val because vox went to ask him for help but he didnt come in time so he thinks its BOth their faults that vox is gone... oh my god. oh my fucking God........ im really gonna be sick nonny why would you do this to me THEYRE SO FUCKIGn .OWUAUGAHHHHH TEARS MY HAIR OUT

YEAHH husk and vox friendship here is so sweet to me. i like to think that vox and husk join in on the bonding activities at the hotel with charlie and hype her up sometimes. also since theres no niffty here would vox also act as a niffty type person? like he and husk share duties between them of being concierge/janitor/bartender.... imagining vox in a bartender suit and a maid outfit was probably not the best thing to do for my fragile mind tbh but. You know. You see my vision right nonny dont you (i am shaking you gently)

GET A JOB STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!!!!! is angel acting like double agent like here or something? or are he and val in less of an employee/abusive boss relationship here and more of a comrades-in-arms relationship here united under alastor's tyranny? whatever it is im excited to hear more :) please dont stop with this nonny the brainrots getting to me

[seeminglydark]

How did Caro go about figuring out their gender identity when they were on their own? You mentioned that they tried "they" and "he" pronouns before settling on "they" - can you talk about that more?

Sure can! In case theres some reading this who may not have read my comics or know the background but stumbled on my art on accident, ill give a little breakdown of their journey. Caro grew up in a really small town with really restrictive parents. They start out knowing they are not a girl. but not really having any idea what that means exactly, and not having access to the resources or a safe place to find out. They start out using he/him because at the time (16 in most of the stories i show them in their teenage years) they arent actually aware theres more of a spectrum than just a binary, they think being a boy is the only way to not be a girl. Their friend, Sully, while being openly gay and having a bit more of an idea about some things, doesnt know much about gender expression or gender-queerness either, so he does what he can to support what they both think is the right fit. apparently neither if them thinks to go to a library. After sully leaves, Caro is left to struggle on their own. They know they are trans, but they are still nervous about exploring things without someone holding their hand, ptsd from extremely intense helicopter parents perhaps and being kicked out for knowing at the very least, they arent the girl everyone always forced them into. They meet their current agent, Goldie, somewhere around 20 years old, at this point they have not revealed their face or gender even in their podcast (for those who listen, ive kept those things very vague since its supposed to be canonical with their life journey). Goldie encourages them to explore more what feels right to them and helps them get in touch with gender affirming resources, 'He' felt close, but it was never really that aha yes its me! moment. They learn about nonbinary, genderfluid, etc through research and help from other people in the community they meet through Goldie, therapy resources and also people they meet via their podcast. They actually do try out a few things, canonically they go from she to he to genderfluid (any pronoun) to they, which feels the best for them. present day Caro doesnt mind 'he' either, they just mostly stick with They. i WILL be exploring this in the podcast, so that story will be told in more detail as time goes on as well. Bonus answer: the reason why i wrote their journey like this, is because Caro is how i explored MY gender identity. They started out as a tool i used to try on different hats and research in a safe space (a fictional character), meet and talk with people to find what gender expression worked best for me, also going from she to he to fluid (any) to nonbinary (they.) i did not have restrictive parents or come from a small town, but im in my 40s, and there wasnt a lot of resource available where i grew up for trans kids in the 90s. i knew i wasnt a girl, and for me, boy seemed like my only other option until i learned that gender is not a binary and i actually had many ways i could go, until i found what felt right to me. and honestly, it was as simple as someone calling me 'They' in passing because they werent sure how to refer to me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I was in my mid thirties and frankly, it was so relieving to finally have a pronoun that felt like ME! I think perhaps it was as simple for Caro as well. Unforch I cant give you a solid answer as to WHY they felt right for me or Caro. i just know it did, i think perhaps that an individual feeling for everyone who is figuring things out. Some people just KNOW, and others like me, know *something* and find out what the means for them along the way. <3

[jolalibrary]

Hi Jo!

How did you get into writing fanfic?

I’m sorry I’ve sat on this for so long, but I wanted to make sure I answered it with the full attention it deserves. I apologise for the length 😂.

I began this as to how, but then also why? and it got long.

warnings for: jo being overly open, sharing things she doesn’t usually, mentions of mental health, mention but not discussion of sexual trauma poor sleep, and again, oversharing. I don’t think I’ve been this open ever, so be gentle with me.

so, I began writing fanfic in 2015. I discovered it on accident, I was doom scrolling on Pinterest, trying to see if I could make some tree decorations in an insomnia bout (because I’d already completed TLOU - irony I know) and discovered a fanfic.

and I was lost in it, 200k deep and then I read another, and another, and I don’t know why I had an idea to attempt to write my own, but I did, and I poured all of my pain into it. (I eventually took this fic down because it was so freaking personal and painful to have up - and it’s still shared now by several people which irks me a lot). but god at the time? it healed me. and it brought me two people who I still talk to to this day, even if we don’t live in the same timezone.

I stayed in that fandom until 2018 when I left and continued only writing for daredevil (which id joined in like 2016).

and then in 2019 I stopped all together due to bad mental health, and just personal things in my life (I really wasn’t doing that well and wanted a bit of a reset).

it was then I began writing an original story. working on it obsessively, eventually shaping it to show some agents at a writing festival in 2020 (virtually, cause of the rona). and it was good, I met with three and two of them loved it. i had amazing feedback, including requests, and I should have been happy, right?

well, I FREAKED out. my little romcom could be something? I sobbed, I broke down, I couldn’t get out of bed for two days and I was a mess.

now, the reasons as to why, is still fuzzy to me. but I assume it’s because all of my life I’d truly believed that Im not good at anything. and writing was this one thing I had to myself, that I shared but never expected anything. and then, suddenly there was expectations, and the reality that people had read it—people who could do things with it, terrified me.

their nice words had weight, meaning? and yet they felt like iron pokers against my skin. even through therapy I don’t like delving into the why’s the what’s, but I assume it’s a combination of lack of self belief and the foundation I’m built on (and why I struggle with compliments) but also the fact it went from a hobby to something that could be something. and I think I freaked at it.

from here, my mental health took a big hit, I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house and by the end of that year I was back to where I was in 2019, but if anything, much worse?

I didn’t know who I was. all the trauma i thought I’d healed from, rose up inside of me and it took me ages to finally be able to even think about writing again. I was broken. reset to more than factory settings because I couldn’t even recall what I liked? what I loved (outside of my husband and dog). I was a shadow wandering around, going from appointment to appointment.

and then, because he’s an amazing soul, my husband suggested I write fanfic again. start again, try. and I did. I potted around under a different name and then in 2022 i grabbed mvtthewmurdvck back, and I came back through call of duty.

by the end of that year, I found narcos 💁‍♀️ (javi supremacy) and here we are, 2024.

I say a lot that writing saved me, and it literally did.

and I rarely share all of this, but I’m not ashamed of my story, but sometimes I feel I should have been stronger?

but actually, I’m strong for getting up even when I was knocked down. I rebuilt, I reshaped and I discovered threads in myself I’d never known was there. and that took guts.

I was able to discover my sex drive, a thing I’ve struggled with (even in my loving and brilliant relationship) after some trauma when I was 15 with my boyfriend at the time (iykyk). I was able to write scenarios that I could then bring into my own life, and I wrote an entire fic (ILTWY) that helped me discover that I actually love sex. that I love pleasure in all its forms.

I was able to find my heart again, and write a romcom that made me find people I couldn’t be without now, but also, show myself that I can still write a romcom, and that thing in 2020 was just a blip, it wasn’t a sign and it wasn’t a thing that would define me.

and, even now, while I’m struggling to even smile, and I cried putting my eyebrows on this morning, I wrote my feelings out into a Drabble I’m not sure if I’ll share, that made me feel like I could go to work today and cope.

I say that notes and things aren’t my focus here, but never really explained why, but this, all above, is why. writing is there for me, it’s a crutch, it’s a saviour when the world feels too much. it was a thing that I lived without for a short period, but when I came back to it, it was like returning home.

and the best part? I get to share my words with you, I get to think “maybe this will resonate with people” and find that sometimes, it does. I get to be a comfort, to make someone smile, to make you laugh or even make you feel a little horny hahahah. and that means MORE to me, because when I was lost, afraid and terrified of the voice in my head, someone else’s words did that for me. they held me close, they helped me stop and pause and take a breath.

and that’s how I got into writing fanfic, and why it will forever be something special to me.

an: I haven’t edited this, and I’m shaking, so if there’s spelling mistakes, ignore.

[lostacelonnie]

as per Some demand: on polish romantic literature, the depiction of russians, and world serpent of honkai impact 3rd fame. apologies if this is very unorganized but its all just things i was thinking about while distracted in class and not TERRIBLY serious analysis

so before i begin. im very sorry if i get Some details wrong because the main piece i’m using for comparison, dziady (część III) by adam mickiewicz, is something ive read a While ago and in all honesty did not feel like rereading just for this as its just general thoughts. i przy okazji przepraszam że postuję o mickiewiczu ale jest on najlepszym kontekstem do sytuacji mam nadzieję że mi wybaczycie.

anyway. to give non-polish people a bit of context: dziady (część III) was written by mickiewicz during his time in russia, after being exiled from his home country (poland, lithuania, or belarus, depending on who you ask). most of the work is centered around what is means to “fight for independence” (as this was a time when poland was under russian occupation, and didnt technically. Exist. mickiewicz’s nationality is a topic of discussion even today, but thats a whole another topic so i wont get into it), why the nation has to suffer, if this was god’s plan, a fighter vs a poet vs a "traitor" during a country's fall etc etc but that’s not what i’m going to focus on here.

the main thing i want to touch on, as you might’ve guessed by the first paragraph, is the depiction of the russian General Populace- specifically, petersburg’s. there’s a couple of relatively well-known scenes from this work but the one most relevant here is ustęp. i could not find an english translation available online for free and, seeing as even its relevant fragments are Quite Long, did not feel like translating them myself (sorry). but there’s two main ones to look at: petersburg and do przyjaciół moskali.

petersburg shows the vision of russians as very… individualistic. walking among the street are different social classes: the tsar and tsaritsa, a military general showing off his battle-earned awards despite the cold, low ranked soldiers, women in expensive fur coats and colorful hats, wealthy people getting into their carriages; and the poor, freezing and hungry, but still talking about how honored they are to see their “superiors”. they arent bad at heart, but theyre passive, uncaring of how both other nations and even other russians suffer under the tsar’s tyrannical rule, as long as they, themselves, aren’t inconvenienced.

do przyjaciół moskali (to [my] friends muscovites) is less of a narrative part as it is the musings of mickiewicz himself, remembering the cold and unfeeling faces of russians that exiled him, killed and imprisoned his friends and other people, all for the purpose of not having to deal with any problems themselves- no matter if they ruined someone else’s life. however, as he talks with hate about the powers over them, it’s not the people himself he curses out- rather, he wishes that they were free, and brave enough to do something instead of becoming co-perpetrators.

so, tldr: in this work (and many, many others; this sentiment is present throughout a lot of polish literature from romanticism onwards) the russian people are depicted as not inherently evil by themselves, but rather unwilling to fight back against the oppressor that is their own government, oftentimes even reveling in it (the so-called “heroism of captivity”); that, or being just entirely ignorant of their homeland's crimes.

another theme that is integral to this work is messianism of the polish nation- supposedly, the reason why Everything Just Keeps Going Wrong For Us is because god has a plan in which the polish have to suffer, so that nobody else has to, directly paralleling jesus. 

BUT. to get into the part in which i actually start talking about honkai. what i’ve been thinking about is that the way world serpent agents are depicted in the game is actually quite similar?

taking raven herself as an example- first of all, she is Actually Literally Russian but that doesn’t matter here. so before mei joins world serpent, raven is this Mysterious Evil person, working for a Mysterious Evil organisation. she’s cold and ruthless and doesn’t hesitate to carry out her mission if it means getting a paycheck. and then lament of the fallen happens, and mei is in world serpent, and natasha is this. still not a Warm person, yeah? but she’s passionate about being a bartender, and takes care of the roost. simple woman just trying to survive. she’s not a perfect example, of course- she did leave world serpent at a point, only coming back when she realized her other paychecks just simply aren’t enough to sustain both her and the kids- but she’s still a mercenary. she kills people for money. not a bad person, just forced into a terrible situation due to something out of her control- but nowhere near a morally pure one, either. (which i’m very happy about, because that would be boring).

but, if you want to dig deeper, there’s the gray serpents themselves, as well- cold in both the metaphorical AND the literal sense, being machines and all. this one speaks for itself, i think? emotionless and unwilling to compromise, only caring to serve their purpose while continuing the flame chasers', namely mobius’s, legacy. but even the serpents themselves are individuals- they have their own personalities, and interests, even while being mass produced drones. but, like the russians in dziady, theyre mostly focused on themselves- pretty well seen with the serpent present in the beginning of salt snow holy city arc (disconnected from the thing keeping him alive, just because the majority would be better off on their own, with no regard of what would happen to the less fortunate ones).

but, to touch on the previously mentioned messianism- in honkai, that could be attributed to anyone not belonging to ws, especially in arc city and during project stigma- bearing the burden of being, in a smaller or larger degree, sacrificed for some twisted definition of the “greater good”.

additionally, one of the characters who cooperate with world serpent while not being its part is cocolia, who is russian; the person who (albeit accidentally) gets kevin out of the sea of quanta is seele, raised in russia; and misteln, an important part of carrying out project stigma, was not only “created” in siberia, but also approached by the serpents, and recruited, exactly there.

i don’t think i have a good conclusion for this one? as i said, just general thoughts on a topic i found interesting. i’m sure there’s more that could be said here but that’s what comes to mind ^-^

[9w1ft]

Lately I cannot stop thinking "Peace" is from Karlie's perspective. If the whole "Josh is gay and Taylor coming out would push Karlie out wich would in turn push Josh out" is true, Karlie may be the reason why Taylor is stuck in the closet.

The song talks about how she will do anything to keep her warm and keep the blue away, which is how Taylor represented them in previous song: T is blue and K is sunshine, daylight, warmth.

It also mentions being a friend and the devil being in the details, talking shit with the friends and wasting her honor and this can be explained as Karlie doing anything necessary to get into Scooter's circle of trust to help T bring him down.

It beautifully explains unconditional love: at the end of the day she would do anything for her and she would be there during the toughest times, take risks, swing for the fences (I cannot even imagine what would have happened if anyone knew K was playing a double agent). Give you my wild and give you a child, both literally ;) and as a metaphor are fantastic to explain growing oldtogether, sharing adventures first and commitments later.

Give you my sunshine speaks for its own.

Robbers to the east may represent the Trumps and Kushners in the East Coast meaning serious problems and threats. Clowns to the West, I take it a representation of the entertainment industry and situations that make no sense, are chaotic, etc

What do you think?

i hope you don’t mind my freeform response! it had me writing about this and that.

regarding your first paragraph im not sure i fully agree with the premise that you mention. its definitely a way that people who talk about kaylor think or frame things, and i think i was of this mind for a time as well. but as the years pass and i think on it more and see more, i would hesitate to suggest that the end goal or win condition that taylor has in mind for her life is her coming out of the closet, and everything else she encounters is things getting in the way of that. to offer an alternative, maybe taylor’s end goal (at the time) was be able to share a happy public life with the love of her life, and coming out was a means to that end in her best laid plans, and then there were situations and circumstances that complicated the path she had laid out to this more ultimate goal.

maybe these two things don’t seem all that different but to me i think its worth it to make a distinction because i think it reflects different motivations or drivers that compel taylor to take the actions that she has. also, i don’t think we can definitively say that they were/are keeping taylor in the closet because as we see with lover era all indications point to taylor being all systems go for coming out herself, so i assume there was some sort of agreed way that thing would have rolled out that included taylor coming out. maybe not but, i don’t think it’s particularly wild to assume.

i guess one might go on to say that that the lakes and “i’m setting off but not without my muse” suggests that she was held back from coming out because of her muse, but i would argue that the lakes is a good example of how taylor’s core priority is actually her muse and not her impulse to go where the ‘poets’ live and die free

alright, so, putting all that aside, let’s talk a bit about peace. at the time that folklore came out there was a lot of discussion about peace being a karlie perspective song or a back and forth conversation between the two of them, so you are definitely not alone in this idea! i too feel like parts of the song read as sentiments from karlie, but im not sure about the song in its entirety—

for me, there is one line that’s hard to square with this karlie perspective idea: “your integrity makes me seem small.” because it’s hard for me to imagine someone writing a line like this about themself, praising one’s own integrity. it’s self aggrandizement, in my opinion. and not that all keywords have to carry through with 100% consistency but i think that this line matches up well with the Hits Different lyric “your sense of belief in the good in the world” — also the line “all these people think love’s for show but i would die for you in secret” rings like something taylor would sing of herself, because, and im not sure how to articulate it but speaking as a person who’s been around all this stuff for a reasonable chunk of time, ive always gotten the sense that it’s taylor of the two that is more quick to pull the plug. karlie is much more outspoken about what she believes in the moment, evidenced by whenever she speaks publicly, and i think she is often left more open to attack, whereas taylor is more the one to throw smokescreens and leave her on waves being tossed… etc.

i don’t think that everything taylor says in interviews is true, especially when it comes to how she explains her songs, but i do think it’s worth watching the snippet from long pond studio sessions where she’s talking about peace with aaron (you can search for clips of this on youtube). taylor acknowledges that she can protect a relationship from some things but not all things. i think in this explanation you can sort of see ideas about her self forming that connect to songs like anti hero, the idea that maybe some portion of this isn’t just a matter of can or cannot but also will or will not, the idea that she might be the problem in the relationship because of her tendency to distrust. i fear i’ve slid into psychoanalysis territory so let me just reiterate this is just the impression i get from taylor’s art and from what she has said and what we see she has done or not done, i don’t mean to claim that i know who she is.

to backtrack a little bit, if you play the keyword game it sort of becomes a game of othello with this part of the song because, do the dreamscapes connect to the impressionist paintings of loml? same with the shit talking? does that disposition match up to the contrarian shit line from gold rush? is the brother taylor’s literal brother or karlie’s often-referred-to-as-a-brother friend in derek? or someone else? can taylor contain sunshine as well? does the fire building connect to ciwyw or can taylor build fires too? is the rain always going to come when standing with karlie or is that a metaphor connected to the cursed motif taylor employs when describing about herself? etc etc.. it becomes hard to piece away at some point but i do think that all these themes do describe their story.

oh one technical thing i would add in closing is that the lyric “robbers to the east clowns to the West” is stylized in the lyric booklet with a capital W for West, and i think it’s generally accepted as a dig at kanye.

[swampthingking]

I saw your post about jeremy paying off jeans debt to moriyamas and im screaming

OBVIOUSLY jean would not want that because he feels like hes just being bought by another person (but a more healed jean might not. Depends on when it happens tbh)

And omfg,,,, yeah jeremy is probably very rich since he has a butler and a personel chef (which I find are VERY expensive in america for some reason. Especially such good ones) his family even has connections to congressmen. So to think he could probably pay off the mafia is a bit exaggerated, and it would take millions (jeremys entire bank account probably)

And its so,,,,, UGH can you Imagine how it would go. Neil would probably have to be present to help handle it (neil is officially jeans agent to handle mafia business imo)

Amd jeremy being free would also cause and existential crisis. What was jean going to do with his life was jean now jeremys puppet would jeremy still be nice to him now that he has control over jean what does he want to do now.

It also raises the question of what jean would think of exy now that he isnt obligated to play it.

(Sorry this is a lot lol)

this became so much longer than i anticipated BUT

do not apologize I LOVE THIS

ok so. jean would definitely not want jeremy to buy his freedom.

because…what is ‘freedom.’

i think the jean now, that we’ve met after tsc1, would be fucking pissed if jeremy bought his freedom. i think he would not feel…safe? around jeremy? because— now that he owns me, he can do anything he wants to me. i think that it would put such a rift in the precarious trust they’ve built. even at the end of tsc, jean tells jeremy “i trust you” and immediately thinks i have no choice but to. and then is like wweeeeelllll that doesn’t exactly feel true though. so i think jeremy doing that would be like a ‘what the fuck, was not expecting that’ moment.

but jeremy. jeremy. we have seen that if he has the means to do something, he will do it. let me push away my familial issues and answer lucas’s call. do you feel safe with your brother? he would have picked lucas up. he would have found somewhere else for lucas to stay. i will focus on others’ problems so i do not have to face my own. i will be your partner. i will buy two twin beds and move into your room.

so, sorry, to backtrack: i think jean will eventually tell jeremy the full truth. i think jean won’t be able to stop himself, same with his other confessions—i didn’t ask. they didn’t know. jeremy asks the right questions with so much care that jean’s mouth starts moving before he thinks through what he’s supposed to say. jean subconsciously feeling safe enough to speak freely around jeremy, cat, and laila is a WHOLE other thing but i digress

and jeremy will go into “fix-it” mode. will call kevin with the idea. and kevin will be like “do not fucking do that” and i think neil will somehow get involved (especially if jeremy went through with it anyway. neil will go just to make sure jeremy does not, y’know, get fucking killed. also? how do you contact the mafia?). jean will also tell jeremy “do not fucking do that.” 1, because. this is the. this is the fucking mafia. they could absolutely kill you. they could say, “aaaah. yeah, you can buy jean’s freedom, but [insert damning terms that indebt you to us.]” and you can’t just…deny the mafia. it’s a suicide mission. and 2 because…jean doesn’t think he deserves it. he’ll think he’s not worthy of it. i don’t think he would be able to fathom the word ‘freedom.’ i think he would think of it, exactly like you said, as being bought. passed from one owner to the other.

and, if jeremy did it, he would reassure him. would be like “no you can make your own decisions. you can do what you want. you can change your major. you can play exy for fun or go pro by choice.”

and jean, i think, would just crumble. he obviously doesn’t like being owned (who does) but that’s all he’s had for 5 years. that’s all he has survived by. i am jean moreau. i belong to the moriyamas. imagine the mantra that has kept him alive for 5 years just…not being true anymore. he would be going from who am i without the ravens? to who am i without the moriyamas? like you said, what a fucking existential crisis.

i genuinely think it would fuck up their dynamic. i think jean would feel like he owes jeremy something. and jeremy would tell him he doesn’t. but i don’t think jeremy would quite…trust jean in a romantic sense. like, is he just initiating [romantic or sexual act] because he thinks he owes it to me? or even as a friendship, honestly. is he just agreeing to [friend activity] because he thinks he has no choice but to listen to me?

so jean wouldn’t be able to trust jeremy because he would feel owned, and that’s trauma baby. and jeremy wouldn’t be able to trust jean because he would feel like jean is, well, trauma responding. fawn, freeze. agree, acquiesce, repent.

so yeah it is grounds for LOTS of angst and … i’m having many thoughts.

maybe these thoughts would change after tsc2 comes out, but either way, i definitely do not see jean being particularly grateful or thankful. i see it as jean being like “you are a fucking idiot” and “why would you do that to yourself” and “why would you do that for me”

oh hey and imagine if they have the “what were you thinking, why would you do that” conversation and a love confession happens. and jeremy is like “bc i fucking??? love you??? [or something]” and like??? it would be so conflicting for them BOTH because jean [in the case that he does love jeremy back]: do i say i love you back. do i push him away for his own safety. but i don’t want to be ungrateful (and get punished), and jeremy: oh god. he’s going to think he needs to say it back. how will i know how he actually feels.

and i almost forgot about the money part of it ok—

yeah so i think the only way ichiru would accept jeremy’s deal was if they calculated how much a pro exy player’s salary and multiplied it by… let’s say a 10 year career? that would put jean at roughly 30ish when he retires? i think they would be like “ok, pay us for what we would have gotten for jean’s career.” (if they even entertained the thought).

dude i cannot even conceptualize how much money that would be. millions upon millions. and i guess jeremy could pay them in increments? but? idk. i did the math for like if jean made a million a year but my fucking brain. hurts. so i can’t get into that

but YEAH!!!

oh the angst. especially if jean said “there is no fucking way in hell you are doing that” and jeremy said “okay i won���t” and did it anyways …..

there’s also the thought that jeremy just…didn’t tell jean he had bought his freedom. if he just let jean live thinking he was cut loose. but then. the guilt jeremy would feel, keeping that information from him. jean has never been able to make his own decisions, and here he is, building a life for himself and not even knowing the real reason why he’s able to do so.

would they just be able to talk and move past it and rebuild that trust? would this be like some kind of fuckin shakespearean tragedy???

in this hc i just have to believe that they work past it and communicate because. holy shit this is messy

[mabzgonmad]

Agent Phoenix head canons (real not fake but cringe)

Hi tumblr. This is my first text post don’t make fun of my poor outlining 💔

ok so i feel i should section this i have a lot to say

hopefully this is entertaining..btw a lot of this is based on my own personal actions when playing as the Phoenix also I’m not completely set on a lot of these

Sections:

- kinesium and communication

-communication generally

-sexuality / gender

-appearance

-relationships (still not 100% on these)

Kinesium and Communication

We should note that Phoenix (gonna call him AP from now on for simplicity sake) is completely mute minus a few noises such as coughing or gasping.

Also note that Roxana Prism doesn’t even know the full power that kinesium can have when harnessed by a person such as AP. (We know this from her remark of shock at the very end of IEYTD 3)

The agency being full of people with kinesium in there head giving them the ability to use telekinesis means all of them are connected in a way. AP is able to use the connection of all the kinesium to communicate telepathically with anyone in the agency. The first time they did this is was to The Handler on one of their early missions. They had no idea they could do it and actually they were calling handler a bad name. Once the handler just heard a voice in his head replying to what he said to AP he thought he was going crazy. AP didnt know how they did it and they eventually sat down with handler and they figured it out. AP eventually was able to regularly reply to the handler during missions and communicate with more ease to fellow agency members.

Outside of people with kinesium in their brains, AP uses sign language. Though they will only do this if they absolutely need to talk to someone outside of the agency. When it comes to Zor members they will refuse to reply to them at all. They will make rude hand gestures or faces in response, no coherent replies to anyone.

This is with exception to Dr.Prism. They regularly tried to reason with or converse with her specifically in Mission KBOOM. Dr.Prism doesn’t have kinesium in her head (i think?) so they used sign language to talk to her. She would know ASL because i think id be agency policy for the sake of deaf agents and AP.

Example of AP using sign to communicate. (I think here, they didnt want handler to know their reply but wanted to reply… by thinking of responding to handler he accidentally let him know what they said.. lol)

Sexuality and Gender

I don’t think AP would care enough to consider labeling their own gender or sexual orientation.

But they know they don’t identify with any gender and are gender less but do not mind being called “he”

So in simple terms they use They/He pronouns

As for sexuality, they like someone romantically once in a blue moon, and even then they arent very expressive about it. They knows from his like maybe 3 crushes in their life, they like whatever and whoever as long as they fit his type (No clue what his type is!! Probably;y more masculine people low key. Men kisser.)

Appearance

They look like this to me 😍

Gorgeous ain’t he?

Relationships

Bullet points for here bc im getting lazy

-Handler

they’re bestie baes! Honestly best buds! They’d kill for each other !

-John Juniper

homosexual.

-Fabricator

any conversation between them would be full of “KYS” “NO YOU KYS!!”

-Dr.Prism

enemies to besties basically

-Dr Zor

violent and evil dynamic happening here. Nothing but hatred between these two.

I care not for thinking about anymore or any other characters!

OK TY FOR READING THIS IF YOU READ IT ALL SORRY THE IEYTD BRAINROT IS REAL LOVE YOU

[powderseas]

side order is here!!! its real!!! yippee

what do you think of it so far?

ok so im just gonna spit out all my side order thoughts so far

SPOILERS FOR SIDE ORDER AHEAD!!!!!!

EDIT: I ACTUALLY FINISHED THE GAME WOOO (just one run tho lol) im gonna write my thoughts under the previous stuff

OK SO. i think im a little..? dissapointed..? abt sider order?? like im kinda conflicted abt the lore, also i suck BALLS at the game

the thing is i have done 5 runs so far AND COULDNT GET A SINGLE WIN. the most i can do is up to floor 20.... im literally so bad at this game I ONCE DIED 2 TIMES IN AN EASY LEVEL. im newgen guys.

maybe im not fit for rougelike games but like... idk. i feel like me and the fandom as a whole expected so much more from side order. i feel like if the game is gonna make you replay the same stuff over and over again it should atleast have a SOUL CRUSHING LITERARY MASTERPIECE TYPE OF LORE like OE and Alterna

AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW DIRTY THEY DID FOUR???? literally called them an irrelavent loser and then sweeped them aside... THEY DONT EVEN HAVE A PALETTE ICON???? theyre not even a secret boss smh.... agent 4 had so much potential I WILL NEVER FORGIVE NINTENDO FOR THIS. and like sure the parallel canon level kind of includes four but that thing is literally an npc??? like imagine what they couldve done with the story if they had included four in it:

when four is left out from the squidbeak splatoon they try to prove themselves by siding with marina with her project. it makes perfect sense. marina and four are both scared of being seperated by their loved ones. but four gets consumed by their anger and jealousy and goes full order mode LIKE DO YOU GUYS SEE MY VISION!!!! i will be forever mad that we didnt get this.

also why is murch out of all the chracters have a pallete??? why didnt they put in captain 3 or something????? sheldon i kinda understand since hes also kinda a part of the squidbeak splatoon BUT MURCH??? get the fuck out!!!

negative stuff aside tho. i love pearl and marina so much. THIS IS THE PEARLINA GAME GUYS!!!!! pearl literally mentions that marina and her sleep in the SAME BED???? marina is so autistic. my little autism creature. SHE MAKES DINO ARMS IN THE ENDING SCENE AUGHHHHHGHHH MY HEARTTT i love marina so much AND PEARL. SUCH A SILLY GOOBER. acht is so precious too... BUT I CNAT BELIEVE THAT THEY MADE THEM WHITE*??? ACHT IS NOT WHITE NINTENDO. anyways i love eight and her little found family full of lesbians. they are all lesbians your honor. we are raising lesbians in this house.

so yeah. i hope i can finish the run atleast ONCE. but like. idk i havent finished the game but side order jsut makes me feel. sad... and lonely...?? unlike octo expension where you could see more and more people using the metros and the chatrooms between marina and pearl are just AUUGGHHH OE IS A GAME. ABOUT CONNECTIONS OK. it makes me feel warm and happy and even though eight became traumatized i like to think that she healed and in the process met so many important people in her life.

in side order i dont see anything in eight*??? is she traumatized??? is she vibing??? is she happy to help??? I LITERALLY CANT TELL. side order makes me feel so cold and empty like do you guys understand what i mean. and its probably becasue it doesnt even take place in the real world. and the thing is. i understand that side order is supposed to be everything that OE couldnt be. i understand that. both games have their own quirks BUT. i just cant seem to make myself love it unlike any other story mode in splatoon...... im really trying to be not biased here but yeah. these are my opinions for side order

AFTER GAME THOUGHTS

HELLO. so yes i somehow managed to win the game. and honestly. the final boss was pretty fun and everyone was so cute at the end omg... but i still think that side order is a bit underdevloped.... i dont even know if ill try to %100 is cuz playing it makes me SO STRESSFUL im glad i get to finish a run BUT i will definetly not be touching side order atleast for a while.... but despite i had plenty of stuff i didnt like in side order the ending managed to make me forget all that haha