#WELL depending on things maybe i could get away with not coming in on thursday | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 2 years ago

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SATURDAY, JULY 30, 2022 Dance Central, an app I’ve been wanting, was on sale down from $30 to $20, so I grabbed it. It’s kind of cool, even though I’ve only done a few dances. The routines seem pretty simple so far. I like the cartoonish characters. They greet you and offer to dance with you, depending on what “room” of the dance club you’re in.

For $3, he bought the Labyrinth course that Walkabout just released. It’s not very colorful but is otherwise interesting.

I jumped on YouTube for a video on lost balls I hadn’t yet found on some of the courses. I now have all the balls on Tethys Station, a space-themed course.

They lost my leopard print nightgown that I ordered, so that’s going to be delayed until tomorrow. Well, now today.

I’m also going to finally try some of these false magnetic eyelashes soon. When they first came out, I thought they looked ridiculously phony and some of them do if they’re overly thick and long, but then they kind of have a way of looking cool after a while. So I decided I wanted in on the fake eyelash trend. I just hope I’m not too blind to see what the hell I’m doing when I go to apply them. I guess you just put on eyeliner as you normally would that has magnetic properties in it, and the eyelashes come with a tool that you stick them on with. I’ve always had long eyelashes, but age has thinned them out. I don’t have as many lashes, and the lashes I do have may still be long, but they’re thinner.

Tom’s getting a $45 VR cam. As the review said, it’s a piece of crap, but this way he can get an idea of whether or not it’s worth it to eventually get a nice one. That would be awesome if I could walk through this place and film it so those with VR could get a tour of the house.

I decided that I’m not going to go every other day without washing my hair whether it’s better for my scalp or not. Sometimes I can skip but my scalp is too oily no matter what I do, so I need to wash it more often.

I don’t remember what it was about, but last night was the second time Jenny C was in my dreams. It’s weird how I haven’t dreamt of her in years and all of a sudden she’s in my dreams on two separate nights. Andy believes in thought vibration and I wonder if she’s showing up in my dreams because she’s thinking about me all of a sudden. I looked her up on Facebook, but she only has one account that doesn’t appear to be touched in years.

Had to hear the dog not once, not twice, but three times yesterday. Two of the times it was only a few barks, but once it was a little more than a few. It’s just ridiculous either way. This wasn’t supposed to happen here. The fucking thing is too loud. I keep wishing someone would complain, but then how do I know they haven’t? Maybe they have and they got blown off just like I did. I don’t know if it’s because someone in the office is friends with this guy or if they just don’t give a shit but my guess is the first one. They did something about Toni’s sister’s dog after all. Why is it that the people that piss me off the most always have the best connections?

THURSDAY, JULY 28, 2022 The news is still so sad. Nothing but hate for gays and women. If it was hate for blacks they’d never be able to get away with it. You know, these people who are supposed to be making the world a better place for everyone? Really, it’s disgusting. I can’t believe the shit some of these politicians spew is even legal but I guess free speech only applies to them. Even if you get used to stuff like this, I don’t see how it still wouldn’t bring most people down unless you’re one of them of course.

The increase in hate for gays and attacks on women hasn’t decreased the race bullshit I have to hear about everywhere I go. I can’t even buy food without hearing about it. We went to Publix and when I flipped over a container of food to read the ingredients, sure enough, they have a company policy swearing they have no tolerance for racism. I really wish businesses could keep politics out of their products! Ask them to print that about gays and I’m sure they wouldn’t be nearly as quick to do so. Everything is the war in Ukraine, Trump, race, abortion, and hate for gays. Blacks are the only ones anyone seems to care about.

I had Mia message Maliheh just for kicks, and as expected, she blocked her. I asked why she ghosted Jodi and said that she wouldn’t want her back in her life anyway, so don’t worry about that because she doesn’t have her horny hormones anymore since entering menopause and wouldn’t trust her either. LOL

Nane declined the friend request from Mia. I figured as much, but you never know when people may actually take a break from their predictability and surprise you.

No termite update, so while Mark was probably in the hospital for real, I doubt it was nearly as serious as she claimed. She always exaggerates everything. He’s definitely alive because he would have an obituary if he wasn’t just like his brother who died last year. I just can’t see the termite not having an obituary for him. It’s a little strange how no one has asked for any updates. Maybe they’re asking what’s up in a PM.

The fucking fungus returned to some of my nails and I started treating them again. I have a feeling that I’m just bound to keep getting this damn fungus no matter what I do. So at some point, I’ll probably just give up on them and live with it. I first thought it was damage from the remover and I’m surprised that it came back this fast and this much.

Andy went to the ER yesterday with chest pain, but everything’s OK. I’m guessing it’s connected to his asthma, or maybe even anxiety or a pulled muscle. He’s still waiting on lab results and has to see his PCP. He was in the ER for five hours and got tired of waiting, so he signed a form saying that he was leaving against doctor’s orders.

I hope it’s nothing serious and I’m guessing it isn’t. Yes, he’s Jewish and heart disease runs in our genetics but he’s not that old, and he hasn’t smoked anything in a long time. He is fat and lazy, though.

No doubt due to his trip to the ER, I had a dream that he died. In the dream, I was thinking how Aly and Andy were once alive and well, and now they’re both gone.

I also had a dream that Norma died. Her death made me excited by the thought of seeing Michelle for some reason and I was thinking about emailing her. I thought about what I might wear if she came to visit us.

We were living in a luxury condo or apartment. It was on an upper floor, but I don’t know how many stories the building was. I told Tom that I was going out for a while and as I backed out of the place and proceeded to lock the door, I noticed that there was water running along the hallway. There was no carpet. The hallway had a concrete floor. For a second, I thought of running back inside to tell Tom, but then I decided against it, not thinking it was any big deal.

The dream ended with me riding a bike through a busy intersection.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 2022 I’m not at all impressed with the Long Island iced tea. It’s almost got a medicinal taste that sort of reminds me of Oragel.

September 21st will be when I start my diet because that will be 8 weeks of 88s and where my TSH is as good as it’s going to get.

Haven’t heard much from Jessie, and of course I’m left wondering what’s going on with the VR. What is it with people making me wait on them?

And what is it with people acting like there’s no such thing as adoption? They talk about women being forced to carry their rapists’ babies and fears of child abuse reports going up because of women being forced to raise all these unwanted kids and I just don’t get it. Not only is no one literally forced to give birth with all the ways to get around the crazy laws, but no one’s forced to keep the damn kids either. If you’re that miserable with the idea of keeping a kid you don’t want, drop them off at the supreme court for fuck’s sake. Don’t torture yourselves even more by keeping them.

Right now, his goal with the horses is to have them consistently making $10 a day a year from now. So far, his latest adjustment has been consistent. It surpassed his $20 goal for the week. He doesn’t wanna jump the gun, but if all works out, he’ll increase his bets a year from now to make more money. I never thought I would ever be able to take 88s every day, so now I’m not so quick to say that the betting program is just a dream.

I had a dream that Tom threw up two or three times.

TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2022 Sipping some pina colada while listening to the storm. Love the thunder and rain. It storms every day at this time of year and this is the fiercest storm we’ve had this season. The thunder is deafening and keeps going on and on and on. So glad I’m not trying to sleep now! The house is practically shaking with each boom of thunder.

We went out to Publix earlier where I got a small bottle of pina colada and damn is it good! It’s so creamy and sweet. I got Long Island iced tea as well. I’ll have that tomorrow. I also got a big container of fried chicken wings.

Tomorrow, which is our 1-year anniversary of moving into this house, will be the start of all 88s.

I had this dream where we downsized from a bigger house. The bigger house looked like it might have been my second childhood home if not the one next to it and I missed having the extra space. The one we moved to almost seemed like my grandparents’ house. There was definitely more space around it. We weren’t responsible for doing the lawn, though. When the person who mowed was mowing across the street, I decided to take a sit-down mower we had and go for a little ride on it. It was an electric mower and ran out of charge at the end of the driveway. The guy mowing got off his mower and ran over to help. He asked if I had a charger and I said I did and that it was in the garage. I had to run through the house and into the garage in order to get it. On the way there, I saw a piece of gum stuck to the floor and stooped down to pick it up.

With the mower squared away, the guy started talking about people I had spoken to, suggesting for whatever reason, that I shouldn’t have talked to them.

“Stay away from Alyssa. Stay away from Stephanie who cares,” he said.

Becoming angry, I said. “You don’t even know who Alyssa is.”

“Stephanie who cares” was someone I talked to about Aly dying who told me I could talk to them anytime I wanted because they care. I told her, “Thanks, Stephanie who cares,” and it kind of became my nickname for this person.

Then I was participating in a health interview on TV, and then with Andy somewhere. My lungs were tight and wheezy. I think I might have still been smoking too.

MONDAY, JULY 25, 2022 In the 90s, we had a black rabbit that my MIL gave us when we lived in Phoenix. Her neighbors behind her turned a bunch of baby bunnies loose if I remember the story correctly. Bunny started off in a rabbit hutch that Tom built for him. Eventually, we introduced him to the outdoors a little at a time. At first I thought he would like the fresh air and variety every now and then, but he came to love it so much that the more we put him out in our backyard, which was walled off by a cement block wall, the more he resisted going back indoors. Then one day something killed him, most likely a cat. I felt so bad for him and I still do, even though he didn’t look too well for a few days before the attack and might not have lived much longer anyway. Had he lived, however, to move with us to Maricopa, we couldn’t have thrown him outside there, so he would have hated being forced back indoors. As abruptly and as tragically as his life ended, I’m glad he got to be happy and enjoy the freedom of the outdoors that he loved so much.

I decided that after the next beach run in a couple of weeks or so, I’m going to get a pedicure done. My joint issues make it hard for me to bend over as easily as I used to. So I figured why not let the pros handle my calluses, hangnails, and ingrown toenail for me for a change? I just think it would be best to go right after we go to the beach because the salt water wouldn’t be very good for it.

Jessie didn’t make it to Daytona or order the headset online because both her dogs are sick. One of them was sick earlier and now both are. I’m not sure what’s going on. Why can’t Happy get sick or worse? I only heard the damn thing once yesterday, but it’s no longer just a few barks at a time. I wonder if he’s going to let it bark longer and longer.

I know this may sound funny since many older people wish they were younger, but I wish I was 65! Then I would not only be the same age as my husband instead of 8 years younger but could also get paid $10 a month for taking 7500 steps a day as well as receive other perks and payments from Medicare. At least I can put in for retirement at 62 like he did. I still feel so young, though, LOL.

We ordered some stuff from Sam’s. Dishwashing pods, garbage bags, and a new kitchen trash can. They just had to go and fuck up ours during the move. The cover is slightly bent, which lets out odors, and they scuffed up the outside of it.

I finished the latest challenge on VZ yesterday and now I’m doing rides of my own choosing until the next challenge, whatever that may be. I hope they have another tree-planting challenge. For now, I’m in Thailand again.

Still no updates from the termite, so yeah, Mark’s going to survive. If what he was going through was that serious, he would have either passed by now or she would know he was going to soon enough and she would have announced it. I don’t doubt that it was serious enough in itself, but I don’t think he’s going to die.

I had Mia send Nane a friend request, but I don’t expect her to accept it. I hope she doesn’t suspect I’m behind the account and block it, but if she does, she does. I’m not even sure I want to keep the account because I’m not curious enough about anybody to check up on them regularly that has me blocked or that I have blocked from my main account. Plus, it’s not time to contact anyone yet.

Later…

It’s getting real. I’m getting emotional (in a good way). The 75s and I have less than 24 hours to say goodbye to each other forever. I did it. I made it to 88s with NO anxiety! Never thought I’d see the day. I couldn’t even tolerate the 75s years ago. Now I just have to hope that within 6 to 8 weeks my numbers are where they should be.

SATURDAY, JULY 23, 2022 I’m so fucking sick of seeing Trump’s face and name everywhere. The fucking cock hasn’t been president in years and he’s still everywhere. Why do people dignify this piece of shit with undeserved attention?

Anyway, the giant $99 4k TV is here. It’s definitely clearer! It’s brighter too, but I guess that can be adjusted.

Tomorrow I’ll have the smaller wok, wok spatula/strainer, meat cleaver, and the pink satin pillowcases with matching scrunchies.

I had a dream that I found this crab somewhere and decided to make it a pet. It got loose and I found it a minute later underneath a piece of furniture. It walked toward me and I bravely picked it up to bring it to its cage.

I definitely don’t remember most of my dreams as much as I used to. When I first wake up, I’ll remember bits and pieces, but by the time I’m up and functional, they’re gone from my memory.

We ran out to the store for treats earlier. I’m sipping some pinot noir. It’s pretty good.

30 more miles to go on my remaining ride for the summer challenge. Can’t wait till Jessie has access to this app! She said that instead of ordering online, she may pick up a Q2 tomorrow at Best Buy because they also want a camera to take pictures of the wildlife around them. The $30 bonus would have been nice, but I told her to do what she’s got to do.

OK, that’s the second day in a row that I heard that mutt and only because I happened to be talking to Alexa when it was barking who paused the nature sounds. Does something up there want me to hear it?

FRIDAY, JULY 22, 2022 I just got five separate royalty payment notifications, but it looks like it’s only gonna total about $15. I could republish the books, but the problem is that unless they’re new, nobody buys them.

One thing that hasn’t changed is that the few pounds I lost are slowly resetting themselves. I forgot about that. I don’t know why it does that, but I can only assume it feels it’s what it’s comfortable doing, so I’m not going to argue with it. I’m still going to stick to my plan and diet in October, but I can already see that calorie cuts won’t do me any good. Not if my body is going to go into reset mode.

Thank you, Steven K, for revealing your last name to me. Now I have a name to give the office should you let your mutt get worse in the cooler weather or at least to contact you on Facebook to tell you just what I thought of your rudeness if we ever move.

Now that I’ve been here a year, I was curious as to what people were saying about the place, so I looked at Google reviews. I’ve looked before but it’s different when you know a place firsthand. Someone said they were turned off from moving here by all the Trump signs. But that’s everywhere in Florida. Pretty much everyone here hates everybody who isn’t a straight non-Jewish male.

I just had to hear the damn thing a few minutes ago. My hunch was right, as one of his posts confirms. He takes the thing on the golf cart to the dog park and that’s what gets it all excited. I can just imagine what it’s gonna be like when people can open their windows and the fucking thing is going off at every single sound it hears and every time someone goes in the kitchen.

“The neighbors are great and we bought a place a few months ago,” he said in his review. Because they’re supposedly great, that makes me doubt even more that anyone would complain. No Poop next to him won’t because they seem to be pretty good friends. There are still people across the street and behind him, but I doubt anyone would say anything. It wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t so loud. It isn’t that it’s frequent or for long periods when I do hear it. It’s just loud.

sighs So now it’s back to having nature sounds playing all day just like in Cali. But at least I can still get peace at night. For now, anyway. Knew this would happen, though. The places I move to always get noisier. If the dog croaked, there would just be a new dog somewhere to replace it. I’m sure there will be more loud vehicles and other dogs at some point. I don’t expect it to ever get as bad as the other place but it’s never going to be like it was before that dog hit the scene. Hell, even the honker is preferable because I don’t hear the motorcycle every day. This dog, however, is close enough to a daily occurrence.

Speaking of No Poop, he got gravel delivered between his and Steve’s place. The question is what is it for? To park a future golf cart, or worse, a future motorcycle?

Sure enough, Steve’s a Trump fan. As I said, I’m sure most people in Florida are.

His wife is Julia. Despite the argument I heard a while back, they seemed to be pretty close. And she loves her “handsome boy,” who is their ugly mutt. It seriously is ugly too. Unfortunately, it probably has another decade or more to live.

I had Alexa play a random nature sound. I think it was some kind of ocean she chose. It did a good job of masking the dog in the kitchen because it was barking. I noticed this when I asked her to turn on the light and she paused the sound. Not sure it would do much good in the living room, though.

Jessie has Manowar that they have to watch out for at certain times of the year and they got red and purple flags the other day. The West and East Coasts are very different in Florida. We haven’t seen any jellyfish yet and we haven’t gotten anything worse than a yellow flag. It was yellow yesterday, which means moderate currents. Green is low-risk currents. We never want to see red or purple. Red is high-risk currents and purple is dangerous marine life.

Another weird thing yesterday was that after we were coming out of the bathhouse, we noticed someone parked within inches of the driver’s side of our car. Then a guy came out and said it was employee parking and moved his car. We never saw a sign anywhere.

Yesterday was such a fun day. We even ordered Domino’s Pizza when we got home. I got some chicken wings to go with my pizza. Tom can’t eat as much as he used to. I’m still waiting for my appetite to drop more. I’m not hungry all the time like I used to be, but I can still pack it in.

I saw a headline about the rising costs of plane tickets and thought it would keep the skies quieter for a while. But it’s back to one after another after another in the early mornings.

My ear has been withering and shrinking away as if it’s dying and I don’t know why.

THURSDAY, JULY 21, 2022 Early morning…

We’re off to the beach now. I realized that if we left early, we could beat the worst of the heat. I always hope it’ll be cloudy, but I’m sure it will be sunny as usual.

My beach tan - or beach burn, I should say - was fading. But most of all, I missed the beach. It’s been three weeks since our last visit. We’re on US 19 now, which we hate. Traffic gets a little scary here, so many accidents. We’re not heading straight for the beach, of course, but for the charger.

I don’t have a list of journal notes accumulated as I’m fairly caught up on my writing. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind and then I’ll work on my story. I’m using this trip as a good opportunity to get back on with Good Neighbors.

I’m a little tired today, but not enough to stop me from getting my sun and sea. I prefer mostly clouds and sea, but I’ll take what I can get.

After I ate and did my teeth this morning, I did a quick meditation session, got 5 miles in on my Yosemite ride, and did a few Bowflex exercises.

I downloaded some apps, one where Tom and I can play Crazy 8’s together.

Mia is now on level 120.

Didn’t hear the mutt yesterday. We had a nice storm too, even if it didn’t last overly long. Jessie shared a video of a fierce storm at her place. Lots of heavy rain, wind, thunder, and lightning. She definitely gets more storms than we do. Part of me still wishes we could head further south where it’s even warmer, but part of me also wants to jump over to where she is. That is if we don’t get rich enough for Hawaii or can ever afford to move again to begin with. Wish I had more energy right now, but all I’m going to do is sit on the beach, hang out in the water, and sit in the car again like I am now.

It should be high tide going out when we get there. I just hope there aren’t tons of screaming kids or loud music, but hey, it is summer.

Later…

Had an awesome time at the beach! It’s way better if you get there when they open, especially in the summer. There weren’t many people and the water temperature was perfect. I swam, read a few pages of my book (Daniel Hurst is great), then swam again.

We’re leaving Dunedin now and heading for the charger in Holiday. The one by Baskin-Robbins so we can walk over for ice cream.

Lost the nail sticker on my right thumb in the water and will replace it at home.

The medians are so green with bunches of bright little yellowy-orange poppies. At least I think they’re poppies.

Later still…

Leaving the charger now. Baskin-Robbins really needs to train their employees on how to make milkshakes. Decided to get a shake instead of ice cream but it was so runny that it was more like flavored milk. He got Vanilla and I got Old Fashioned Pecan. Next time I want to try the Breakfast in Bed. I’ll just get it in ice cream form. They can’t fuck that up.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2022 Still no Termite Tammy updates, so I’m sure that if he was anywhere near death she would have said so. The only thing I don’t get is the ventilator. From what I read, they give you antibiotics. If that doesn’t work, they do surgery. So his brain infection must have come from something that started in the lungs.

Not sure anymore that the termite is in Florida. She shared a picture of Mark early in the month and clearly, it’s not their Florida place. But it looks like it’s where they’re living because I recognize some of the figurines. First, she was going to Ohio and then her dream all of a sudden was North Carolina, so I don’t know where they are, but it definitely doesn’t look like the South or the West. It’s somewhere in the east or the northeast. It could be an older photo that she shared, but I don’t think so. The guy looks older in the picture than I remember him to look when we saw him 6 years ago.

I was really surprised yesterday to learn that I slept through what Tom described as the loudest thunder of the season. He thought I was kidding at first when I said that nothing woke me up and assumed that that was why I got up so late. Nope, never heard a thing. Never heard anything last night either, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t rain or thunder.

He’s working on installing another camera in back of the house. Really wish we could aim one in Toni and Steve’s direction, but he doesn’t have any way to get power to it over there.

Either the office never spoke to Steve about the mutt or he just doesn’t give a fuck. It still barks its ass off when he takes it out on the golf cart. My guess is the first one. They responded when I asked about the tractors. They responded when “Cindy” gave her two cents about the motorcycles. But I got nothing about the dog. So that tells me right there that they’ve got his back. I still think he’s got a lot of connections in the park. And because the dog was Roy’s, a respected resident of 40 years, they’re not about to complain about anything of his. So because it was Roy’s dog and Steve is a little social butterfly he can do whatever he wants.

If it’s possible to do so, I’m gonna haunt every neighbor that ever annoyed me after I die!

TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2022 Down, down and down it goes. My TSH that is. It’s exciting, but a little scary. OK, so things may be different now in that I’m not a newly minted PTSD person, my hormones have settled, and I’m not alone so much of the time, but it’s still a little nerve-wracking knowing that it’s still dropping. Plus, I don’t know how low it’s going to go. For a while, I think it’s best that I don’t know what the numbers are. I remember a few years ago or so when I was notified that my results were a 7 and that alone caused me to freak out because all I could do was remember the hell I went through the two times I was at a 3. Again, I know things are different now and I’m slowly ramping up my dose rather than just jumping instantly, but sometimes what I don’t know definitely doesn’t hurt me. It should be quite a while before I’m tested again anyway.

I’m estimating I’ll settle in and accumulation will peak in October. I’d probably still freak out a bit along with feeling elated if my numbers were ever normal, LOL. If I can stand to get my numbers between 3-5 without epic anxiety, October will be when I make one last-ditch effort to lose weight. I’ve got a slight head start since I’ve already lost a few pounds without even trying. It’s coming down all right. I can see signs of my metabolism speeding up simply because I no longer eat an 80-calorie apple, jump up nearly two pounds, and stay that way for hours.

Yesterday was my second to last 75, so getting kind of emotional in a good way. Next Tuesday, that’s it. That’s the last 75 I’ll ever take. Then it’s all 88s from there on out. I hope I never need to make the jump to 100, but if I do, I at least know how to do it now. It would have been a lot better, however, if my doctors had figured this out for me years ago. I still would have had some degree of suffering, but maybe not as much.

The wok I ordered came yesterday and we were both surprised to see how huge it is. That’s not what we thought I ordered, but we both checked and found that it is. So we jumped on Amazon to search for a smaller one. Plus, I added a wok scoop with holes in it and a meat cleaver. Oh, and some pink satin pillowcases to go with the new satin sheets. They come with matching satin hair scrunchies.

I’m surprised this thing was only 7 bucks because it’s so big. Surprisingly lightweight too, compared to the cast iron skillet. Because it’s all I have at the moment, I poured in about ½ inch of olive oil and deep-fried potatoes, veggies, and a couple of eggs. They came out great. Slightly greasy though, because all I had to work with was a slotted spatula. Maybe I’ll use both woks, just like I use two different slow cookers. Definitely gotta fry up some chicken wingettes as well as do tempura, but only once since tempura isn’t exactly good for me. I was thinking of making chicken feet too. Never had them before, but the odds of me not liking them aren’t very good since I like almost everything, so why not?

Roe, race, Roe, race, Roe, race… It seems that’s all the fucking news is ever about these days.

It only lasted for a minute or two, but I heard hammering. Right away, I said to myself, I bet I can guess where it’s coming from. Yup. Steve. Getting back onto days isn’t what it used to be because now I’m more likely to have to hear his mutt. Again, I know it’s only one or three times a day and usually under a minute, but that’s not the point. It’s going to be worse when the weather cools down, plus I’m gonna have to listen to the honking and the motorcycle on top of it then.

MONDAY, JULY 18, 2022 First, let me start off with what I was too tired to write yesterday. A lizard got into the house the other day. It must have been on the door when Tom came in. Unfortunately, I had to kill the poor little thing to get it out of here. There was no way I could simply walk up to it and pick it up and place it outside. It would have died anyway without insects to eat but still, I didn’t want it to die in the house.

We put one of our motion sensor light strips in the lanai even though I can see perfectly fine with just the light shining through from the living room. We still don’t plan to be out there very often. We mostly go in there to use the Bowflex. He has his 3D printer out there as well.

We ran out to Walgreens last night. I hadn’t had candy in a while so I was glad to see that they’re selling those little mini bags of Lindt truffles again that have only two truffles per bag. I wasn’t happy to learn, however, that they’re discontinuing Barefoot’s merlot so I got Yellow Tail’s instead. They’re just as good. They just don’t do single bottles.

A little later…

Thanks to the thunder that woke me up last time around, I’m still kind of tired and will be for who knows how many days. But I don’t feel the need to nap as strongly as I did yesterday. Maybe the nap and getting into bed early helped keep me from being more tired than I am. Until I can sleep straight through without having my sleep split in half, I’m going to be tired to some degree. I still worry that I’m going to be in for about 2 months of sleep hell worse than the traffic at the old place. My body can’t take all these sleep disturbances. I’m not 20 years old.

But I am down from 161.2 to 158.7 pounds. I’m not even dieting yet, so I’m thinking my metabolism is speeding up. I noticed I don’t tend to hold the same weight for hours as I used to.

So the thunder woke me up shortly before 5, but it wasn’t until nearly 6:30 that I finally had to take Benadryl to get more sleep. I considered getting up then, figuring that if I was having that much trouble falling back asleep, then maybe I got enough sleep. But I knew I really needed more.

I’m marking on the calendar how many times thunder wakes me up just to see what kind of pattern shows up. It was usually two to four times a week that I would get woken up by traffic at the other place when I was on nights.

The air cleaner is enough in this place when there aren’t any low-flying copters, motorcycles or thunder. I still wish there weren’t so many outages here. Obviously, it’s not nearly as bad as Auburn, but it’s not like Citrus Heights either.

I had a dream we were living in this huge two-story house. My bedroom was on one end of the top floor. We were getting ready to bomb the place. I looked up and saw this longish bug slithering across the ceiling. Then I walked out of the bedroom, through a couple of other rooms, and into a spacious living room where all the windows were open and there was a lovely cross breeze. I thought of how I wished I could pump the fresh air down into the bedroom.

I also checked in on the termite through Mia’s account. It’s not COVID. It’s a brain infection. Somebody asked the termite what was wrong and she said he was still in critical condition and on a ventilator with a brain infection. I’m guessing this is some form of meningitis. Tom had that when he was little. From what I read, the prognosis is usually pretty good if it’s treated properly, but he might be messed up in the head cognitive-wise when he gets out of the hospital.

I definitely have mixed emotions about this one. I don’t want the guy to die for his sake, but the termite took my husband from me for half a year. She deserves to be punished by having someone close to her taken from her and then have to spend her final 20 years alone even if she’s got kids to help her and won’t die alone. At least I don’t think she will. My mother’s mother had kids and she died alone. The point is, I don’t care what happens to her. She deserves any shit she gets.

The woman whose name is the very first word of my very first journal entry was in my dreams last night. Yeah, Jenny. I dreamt that we met up and were going to get an apartment together. LOL, No hard feelings toward her after all this time, but she’s the last one I would ever live with. She was too bossy, selfish, and well, I don’t think giving up on your friend because they had a rough childhood and had problems to work through as they adjusted to the real world was very smart. But she was young and I guess she had to do what she had to do.

I looked her up out of curiosity, but she has virtually no online presence.

SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2022 Every now and then I look in on the termite from my other Facebook account just to see if anything new pops up. I thought all I would see were self-assuring memes and I did find a new one saying that if you hold on to the past it will destroy you. That was pretty laughable too because the bitch holds on to everything.

The surprise came when she mentioned Mark being in the hospital on a ventilator and fighting for his life. There was also a link to GoFundMe to help with the medical expenses but it wasn’t clickable. This is because she either made it visible to a select audience or deleted it.

While I feel absolutely horrible for Mark, who seemed like a really great guy and totally the opposite of what the termite would be with, I feel absolutely nothing for her. I hope she and her daughters experience nothing but pure misery for the rest of their lives. Yes, I’m saying this about my own biological sister and nieces. You see, biology simply doesn’t matter when you screw me over bad enough, and I mean bad. Even more so when it wasn’t only a one-time thing. I have zero tolerance for any form of abuse whatsoever. I won’t take it from anyone, no matter what your gender is or your relation to me, or your status in life.

Again, we both feel bad for him. Our first guess is COVID. Of course it could be some other lung disease, but that one makes the most sense. My first thought was that he would definitely be doomed, but when I checked. It said that over 50% of COVID patients who need ventilators do survive.

Either way, it was all I could do to keep from suggesting that maybe Karma has finally visited her. Plus ask why she needs help with medical bills when the guy is on Medicare. He’s in his 70s. All in good time, though, as far as contact goes.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. If he doesn’t make it, she’ll definitely announce it. I don’t want Mark to die for his sake, but her being a widow at 65 is quite a punishment. She would have only been in her 50s had she not given up the abusive man obsession and stayed with Bill. It would be worse if she was alone while she was young and horny but it would still be bad enough. I know that if Tom goes before I do, I’m following. I couldn’t imagine sticking around, even with all the help and money in the world. I would be so incredibly lonely and depressed, unlike anything I’d ever experienced. No thanks!

I know that termite and I’m sure she no doubt wishes she had her sister in her life to cry on her shoulder about what’s going on. She should have thought about that years ago, though.

For selfish reasons, I’m glad we’re disconnected. I’m mostly glad because of the way she is, but I’m also glad because we don’t exactly have much extra money and I know we would feel obligated to do something if we were still connected.

What’s kind of weird is the fact that I recently killed the guy in the story I intend to leave online along with all my journals when I’m gone. He’s not dead, but it wouldn’t be the first time I jinx-wrote something into happening. Perhaps the influencer is a little too close? LOL, only I’m influencing the wrong target. Or maybe not. If she dies, she can’t live to suffer unless she’s going to hell if there is such a place.

I still miss Aly every single day. I keep hoping she’ll fade into the background of my mind and become a distant memory but she never does. I think of her every day. She’s on my mind a lot. Just those simple things I miss that I took for granted like us writing on the old NaNoWriMo site and even how Kim would join the two of us there. Hell, I would even take Molly’s shit again to have Aly alive and a part of my life again.

I know I shouldn’t do this but I can’t help but compare her to Jessie in my mind. As sweet as Jessie is, whenever I get a message from her I can’t help but think how much of a better writer Aly was, how quick she was to understand and remember things.

I even miss my chats with Stacey at times, just not nearly as much. I still wonder about her at times too. She gave me every indication to believe she liked me. But then one day I saw her and she was so cold, distant, and impersonal, and I have to wonder how a person can turn their feelings off just like that. When I would really like someone, nothing changed that whether or not I knew it should. Meaning I would never pass up the chance to even be just their friend if I liked them that much.

I’m pretty tired today because I didn’t sleep long. Less than six hours. Tom said he assumed the thunder woke me up and I was like, what thunder? Surprisingly, there was really loud thunder for about half an hour to an hour. I didn’t sleep with an earplug, but I slept with Nature Sounds cranked up a bit. Anytime there’s the potential for storms or when they’re going to be mowing or when that fucking motorcycle returns in a few months, I turn up the volume.

I’ve actually been sleeping much better lately. I don’t have to get up to pee as much and I don’t hot flash on these satin sheets. The problem is that I don’t always sleep long enough. I know the next day I’ll make up for it and sleep longer, but I hate being tired as often as I am. I don’t know if I’m going to have any energy to “hit the road” and get in some miles on VZfit. I don’t even have the energy to write about everything I wanted to write about tonight, so I’ll call it quits for now.

SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2022 I made a deep-fried egg and damn was it good! I put in about half an inch of olive oil in the smallest pot we have but it never boiled. It was smoking a little bit, so I decided to drop the egg in once it got a little smoky. Next time I’ll know to cover it with the screen right away because it splatters. It only needs to sit in the oil for a few seconds until the edges start browning. It came out perfect. The yolk wasn’t too runny or too hard.

Found a cheap wok at Walmart and it will be delivered by the 20th. I would have preferred a curved one, but that won’t work without a gas stove. I got the smallest one they had because that way I don’t waste so much oil if I want to deep fry eggs. It’s mostly going to be great for veggies.

Tonight’s dinner was my own variation on the potato hash recipe which uses chickpeas. A healthy mix of yellow potatoes, lima beans, sugar snap peas, peppers, mushrooms, green onions, and a sprinkle of cheese. I added some garlic sauce I got today and it was good, but fresh is always better. It’s tough because I tend to want to get frozen veggies because they last longer, but fresh is better tasting and healthier.

I felt good yesterday and so far today. Nonetheless, I got some aspirin. Jessie said her doctor told her to take it for chest pain. Remembering that this is recommended, I decided it couldn’t hurt to have some on hand.

Tom heard the dog bark for about 10 seconds when someone came to visit on a golf cart. Then he heard someone tell it to shut up. Oh, so they’ll tell it to shut up when they have company, but not when the damn thing is outside being heard in other people’s houses?

I created my own guided ride on VZ! Not without running into a problem that Tom helped me out with. This first guided ride is from my first childhood home to my second childhood home.

FRIDAY, JULY 15, 2022 My blood pressure is much better since I cut down on processed foods once again. It’s not great, but it’s better. I don’t think I’ll need medication for it as long as I eat right.

Now here’s some good and weird news. The weird news is that I had the fiercest chest pain last night than I had ever had before. So much so that I woke Tom up. I briefly had a small pinprick of pain toward the left part of my chest. But the strong pain I got hit with later on was all over the center of my chest. I didn’t really think it was my heart because I didn’t have other symptoms along with it. Plus, there’s still the fact that I’m not that old yet, I’m active, and I don’t smoke. I also just had what were the best lab results in quite a while.

The pain was surprisingly strong and Tom had me take a Tums. This helped to a degree and I also took a couple of ibuprofen for good measure. After sitting still for a while and letting the medicine work, I was OK. I can still feel faint traces of it, but like he said, the memory of the pain may be enough to trick a person into thinking they’re feeling it when they’re not. We’re thinking it was indigestion from something I ate. Probably the burrito which I rarely eat. This has never happened to me before, but I guess there’s a first time for most things.

The good news is that the anxiety is gone again. Yesterday was better than the day before with about ½ hour where it was more noticeable. I prayed and prayed to those collective positive energy sources. It seems to work. I don’t know what made me anxious those couple of days. I just hope it’s an isolated incident that rarely happens, if ever again.

The only thing I feel today is tired. I don’t know why since I’m still waiting an hour before coffee. I thought thunder woke me up, but he said there wasn’t any at that time. Maybe it was just my bladder waking me up, but I did have a little trouble falling back asleep after using the potty. Whenever my sleep gets split up like that, I tend to be tired.

We had rain, wind, and thunder after I got up.

After going the longest I’ve gone without hearing the fucking mutt, I heard it at around 8:00 PM. It barked for a minute or two with Steve doing absolutely nothing to control it, of course. The winter is going to be bad. Between his mutt and Darren’s honking and motorcycle, I don’t expect to get as much peace this winter as last winter. Especially since Darren should be here for 6 months and not 3.

Another thing I’m worried about is that they’re going to be breaking ground for a new pool. I wonder how much of that we might hear over here in our place. There are houses between us and the clubhouse but distance-wise it’s not that far. I’m guessing it’s about 600 feet, so kind of comparable to our old place and the cemetery. I just wonder how many loud tractors are gonna be racing by our place if the roads are blocked by other equipment and it’s more convenient to go around. I feel so bad for the people living in that area! A pool won’t take that long to put in, but a new or additional clubhouse will.

So that’s one way my vibe of us not being here forever could come true is that they raise the rent too high. Either that or maybe we’ll be here until one of us needs to go into assisted living somewhere because I just don’t see us getting enough money from the horses to have more options.

Tom said his biggest concern is a price hike to help pay for it all but thinks that’s years away if it ever happens. Well, hopefully they’ll have common sense enough to know that some people are on a fixed income and that income doesn’t go up just because they add more stuff.

A part of me misses having land and country living where we have more freedom. You just can’t be a couple of hundred feet away from neighbors in case they don’t allow their dogs indoors, use loud power tools, loud vehicles, or rowdy kids. You want to be at least 500 feet away or more. But he doesn’t miss rural life at all. He says it’s too much work. Sure, it was when he had to work full time and we had an 800-foot well that kept crapping out. But things are different now. We don’t need to go where the water table is that low and we might not even need a well if we don’t venture that far from civilization which we both don’t want to do anyway. I don’t want to have to drive an hour to the hospital if one of us has an emergency. Also, they’re working on bringing faster Internet to rural areas, so the only thing we may lose is getting our groceries delivered.

It isn’t just that, though. He feels that rural living isn’t as safe as it used to be. You’re definitely safer in an adult community, but I do miss country living, even if it does have its hassles. You’re also isolated without anyone to run to quickly if you ever need help with something, even if you’re not that far from civilization.

Last night I golfed with a guy in Latvia. It was weird at first because his avatar head was barely a few inches off the ground. That’s because he was lying down. He sucked even when he finally stood up, LOL.

Jessie’s getting more convinced that she wants to get her own VR headset. I told her about some of our favorite apps and how things work in general. I even made her a video using some apps, especially VZfit because she doesn’t quite get it. She said she would love to be exercising where she can see all that too, after I shared some pictures I took on my rides. If she gets the Q2, we both get $30 of store credit.

Nature Sounds is back to being reliable again. If they keep it up, I’ll cancel the cancellation I put in for my subscription.

THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2022 I don’t know if it means anything just yet, but my metabolism is definitely speeding up. It’s only a little, but it’s noticeable. I felt better today than I did yesterday. Maybe when we pray for help with anxiety and other things, it isn’t that we’re praying to any particular God but to an energy source. I don’t see how there could be a loving God with all the shit that goes on in this world. If there was a God, it would certainly be an enabler the same as one parent letting another parent abuse a child and not doing anything about it. But maybe we pray to a certain energy. I saw an episode recently on collective energy. Maybe we’re drawing positive currents of energy toward us when we pray but I don’t know. Many of my prayers have gone unanswered in the past, so who knows?

This is the longest I’ve gone without hearing the mutt. I find it hard to believe it’s been that quiet. It’s probably been barking when I’ve been sleeping.

I was out in the lanai in the middle of the night using the Bowflex. In the summer during the daytime, it’s close to 100 degrees in there, but closer to 80 at night. If I go out there when it’s not that late, the roads outside the park remind me of how the freeway sounded inside our old place. I do not miss that constant roar that you had most of the year either!

They had a flash sale on a $450 4K TV that he was able to get for $99. They sold out in just five minutes. We’re thinking we might put that monitor in my closet office.

I had a weird dream that I had to start high school all over again even though we were still older and he was still retired. We must have been living somewhere cold because instead of sleeping in just my underwear, I got up out of bed early in the morning in a long-sleeved flannel nightgown. I was tired as hell and just wanted to jump back into my warm bed and not go to school, but I had no choice. Tom thought that one was pretty funny.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13, 2022 My butt is getting sore sitting on the chair that’s in my closet office as I call it. Soon, this chair will be as comfortable as my other one because I’m getting the same gel cushion with the tailbone gap that Tom has.

I managed to sleep through the mowers. Tom said there were two stand-up mowers, one quieter than the other. The quieter one did this side of the street, and the louder one did the other side. I should sleep OK tomorrow too, because it looks like the weather will be clear.

We’re now trying the straps on the satin sheet to see if it holds it steady and prevents it from slipping and bunching. They crisscross underneath the mattress and clip onto the corners.

Now for the bad news. Yeah, I knew deep down the anxiety hadn’t really left me forever, and no, my story doesn’t have an end. It just doesn’t have as many bad times as it used to have. Tom thinks it’s connected to me being on nights. I took magnesium and a CBD gummy, but it didn’t seem to change how I felt. Hopefully, I’m not on the edge of a bad spell! If I’m still having anxiety at this point in my life, though, I’m probably going to have it all my life no matter what. It’s OK as long as I get some breaks from it. I just would have preferred more than three months.

Now I’m left to wonder about all the possible causes. Could it be that my body’s not used to having its TSH this low? If that’s the case, will it get used to it? Also. How long will this spell last? Days? Weeks? Months?

sighs with frustration Really, I don’t want to play this game again. I just don’t. In fact, I absolutely refuse to. Tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’m gonna feel fine all day. I really am.

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2022 Ferociously loud thunder that made Tom jump out of his skin, as he said, woke me up after just 4.5 hours of sleep. 90 minutes later I got another few hours. We went to the store shortly after I got up.

I kind of like golfing with others while he’s sleeping. It just fascinates me that I can play golf with anyone, anytime, anywhere in the world. It’s also interesting to see who I end up with. The last time was a girl (age?) named Makenzee and she was good because she never said a word. The second time I got stuck with a 13-year-old boy who was friendly but distracting because he never shut up and was waving his club around so I quietly exited the game without a word.

I’m a little surprised parents let their kids mingle with strangers even if it’s in VR. What if I was some psychosexual predator saying all kinds of nasty things to him? How do the parents know their kids aren’t going to hear anything they shouldn’t be hearing?

I forgot to say that I asked Toni if she got the Hooter and she said she did. Makes me wonder if they skipped our house accidentally or on purpose. Most likely it’s accidentally and I’m just being paranoid.

SUNDAY, JULY 10, 2022 I could definitely give up candy and wine, but can only stand to not go out for so many days in a row. Well, the only place we can really go is to run up to the store to grab something like that since we have our groceries delivered and don’t have any need to go anywhere else at the moment. Yes, I could do without the empty calories, but where else do we go when we don’t have appointments or a specific store to go to? Oh, the hardships of the retired, LOL. So those quick runs to CVS or Walgreens for little treats are always nice. I will, however, discipline myself more when I go on a diet. There’s just no point in starting until my thyroid settles in. At that time, we’ll have to figure out some other place to go. Where could we go for a short time that doesn’t cost a lot of money or involve getting treats?

So anyway, I’m not feeling anxious, but I’m feeling a little blah tonight. I’m sure that getting out tomorrow as we plan to do will help.

For some reason, we never got the Hooter, so Tom picked up a copy on his way to pay the water bill. He said it rained pretty hard on and off and there was a moderate amount of thunder.

They do regular bingo every other Tuesday and bicycle bingo on the Tuesdays that they don’t do regular bingo. I have no idea what bicycle bingo is. Thanks to my fucking schedule, I won’t be making it to the regular bingo anytime soon.

When I got up and was about to take my pill, I saw what I thought was a curled piece of dirt or grass on the mat in front of the door. Once I put my glasses on, I could see all the legs and realized it was a centipede. I had him come out and kill it. Apparently, the creepy bastard can hear because the louder I yelled the more it tried to run. Fortunately, we just bombed and it was dying, so it wasn’t very fast. I looked it up and Florida centipedes are generally not harmful to humans, but they do pack a painful bite because of the toxins they have. Tom’s seen them in the laundry room.

I’m doing the last of the rides on this month’s VZ challenge. I like how the challenges don’t run every single day so I have a chance to do other rides that aren’t connected to the challenges. There were seven or eight rides by the staff and I’m doing Robert’s Yosemite ride right now, which is the longest. He’s VZ’s COO. I’m very active in the group and he reacts and comments on some of my posts. Unlike Replika, VZ has some of the friendliest and most helpful devs I’ve ever met. Their rides have ranged from just over a mile to Robert’s which is the longest at 147 miles.

So, I still love riding the world. When I was little, I had a little toy car you sit in and use your feet to run along the ground to move it. There was a path between my parents and grandparents’ houses, which were a few hundred feet apart. I used to love riding my little car up and down the path which was my “road” at the time. To me, VZ is the grown-up version of that!

I’m watching The UnXplained on Netflix, which is hosted by William Shatner. It’s a fascinating series that really makes you think hard. Throughout my life, I’ve bounced between being sure there is an afterlife to being sure there isn’t to not knowing what to think. Some of the stories definitely make you wonder if the many people who have sworn to have gone through tunnels and ended up in beautiful, colorful places after having near-death experiences simply had common hallucinations or if there’s more to it than we understand.

What is consciousness? I can kind of see where the thoughts we think aren’t part of our physical beings. But is our body really just a temporary vessel for our consciousness? Or maybe the people are making these stories up for attention. But then maybe they’re not. Maybe they really believe they saw what they saw, but it wasn’t real. I guess we’re all gonna find out sooner or later.

Another interesting thing - and I saw a movie based on a true story about a woman’s experience - is how those who receive organ transplants often take on the personalities and interests of their donors. I guess it has something to do with them acquiring their DNA.

It almost makes me wish I could have an NDE and get an organ transplant, LOL, just so I can see what kind of interests or behavioral traits I may develop.

The current horse analysis is that tweaking the program just because he has a couple of losing days might not be the way to go. He may have to lose half the time and win half the time to slowly profit. If he can do this consistently for a couple of months, then he’ll increase the bets. It’s easy for me to say he’s just dreaming but I don’t know anymore. Look how long I thought escaping the anxiety was just a dream. I just hope to hell I really have escaped it!

SATURDAY, JULY 9, 2022 We’ve now been in Florida for one year! Florida has some interesting wildlife. Better than the ugly turkeys and the smelly skunks we had to deal with all the time in NorCal. A turtle came to visit us during yesterday’s storm. Tom got some great pics and even a video of it.

I will only be taking three more of the 75 micrograms and then it’s just 88 micrograms of levothyroxine for me! I really hope it’s enough as I was told. I forgot that this drug accumulates in the system, so that’s why my TSH was lower than I expected it to be. It might take time for any weight to come off if it ever does.

I don’t want to jinx things and get too far ahead of myself, but it excites and amazes me to think that my anxiety story could finally have an end. It really seemed so hopeless for so many years! But I didn’t know in 2014 when this shit first started that the answer was nearly 8 years and 3000 miles away. I likely would have killed myself if I’d known I was going to suffer that long. If I’d had a bottle of lorazepam at certain times, I wonder if I would have had the strength to resist downing the entire bottle when I was at my worst. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out!

THURSDAY, JULY 7, 2022 I have quite an update, but I want to go in order of events. I forgot to mention yesterday that I damn near fell flat on my face in BK. They had a long mat running along their soda machines. One edge was pulled up so my foot got caught in it, but luckily I was able to catch myself on the soda counter. It was so loud too, me smacking the metal counter. The guy behind the main counter felt bad and he came and straightened the mat out by pulling the end of it.

We went to my dentist so I could get more fluoride toothpaste. They didn’t have the MI Paste for $25, so instead, I got Previ-Dent for $10. It’s a bigger tube with more fluoride, so it might be better for me.

We stopped at KFC on the way home and their French fries were horrible. Way too salty and too soggy. I just can’t acquire a taste for salt. The chicken was still good.

As we were passing Steve’s place - at least I think it was Steve’s place - there was an older guy who might be the guy who lives across from Toni and next to Steve sitting out front by himself. I waved to him and I’m pretty sure he saw me yet he never waved back. Does he know something he shouldn’t? Like the fact that I complained about the dog? It’s been nothing but radio silence from the office, so yeah, I’d say Steve’s well-connected.

But why would the guy be sitting by himself at Steve’s place if it’s who I think it was? Maybe Steve ran inside for a second, and maybe he really didn’t see me, IDK. I’m not worried about it.

So we got home, ate our food, and then I got an e-mail alert. I logged in to the site it was for and then I let out a howl. A loud one. Tom came running to see what it was all about and found me pointing to my screen with a stunned expression on my face, eyes beginning to water with tears of joy. The TSH I thought would be 11.50 is actually 8.44. Just a few more points to go! And I have no anxiety whatsoever.

It gets better. My glucose was normal and so was my white blood cell count. My red blood cell count was very slightly elevated, but that was probably because I was dehydrated. All the other tests were normal. Once again, I suspect that some of the fatigue was connected to my waiting time before having coffee after taking my meds. I seem to be perking up again since I started waiting an hour. Some of it is still on the thyroid, though. I asked if I could still have symptoms, and yes, you can, even if you’re numbers are slightly elevated. Normal is roughly between 3-5. Also, they think that they can get my numbers normal with just the 88s!

So pretty damn exciting day to see myself getting healthier and healthier. TSH, I’m gonna walk you home! Yes, I’m gonna get you there. I’m so close now too. At the same time, I’m trying not to get my hopes up despite things looking more promising than ever. It’s just that I’ve been there before thinking this is it, I beat the anxiety. However, things really are different this time around. This time around, I’m not only postmenopausal, but I’m slowly titrating up my dose. Just like the doctor should have done 8 years ago.

The only thing that’s probably still pretty bad is my cholesterol, but I don’t know. Being hypo raises cholesterol, so in addition to me having the gene that causes high cholesterol, it might still be under 300 now with my TSH being lower.

It was a year ago yesterday that we walked out of the Citrus Heights house and I’ve never missed it. Some of the extra space and the walks around the park perhaps, but nothing else. I love it here and this place is way better, even if it’s not perfect. Been hearing thunder every day and sometimes we get rain with it. Things are definitely pretty green here now.

Chatted with Jess, but Doc A hasn’t yet seen the quick update I left her.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2022 It hit me that I really ought to take my own advice. Ever since the SCOTUS overturned Roe, I’ve been hesitant to share much of my life, thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and opinions publicly, knowing that sooner or later, writing and speech are going to be targeted. Meanwhile, I’ve been insisting that the way to stand up to crazy is to defy it and not give in to it, meaning that doctors and nurses should continue caring for their patients as they’re sworn to do and not listen to what any twisted laws say. I do believe that sometimes you need to do what’s right and not what the law says. Technically, any doctor who doesn’t fully treat their patients as the SCOTUS demands is aiding and abetting evil. Crazy only keeps on getting crazier if you give in to it and you let crazy push you around.

So then why have I run from public view? Well, I’m not anymore because I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit anymore about the SCOTUS. I don’t give a shit anymore about the laws. I don’t give a shit about anything but living my life and allowing others to do the same. I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m not about to let my speech be trampled on any more than I would let anyone tell me I had to have a baby I didn’t want to have if I was in that situation.

While I’m on the topic of speaking out, I did just that in my own name about Steve’s mutt. I watched it go on and on while he was getting the golf cart ready. That seems to be when I hear it the most. The little fucker gets all excited about going riding. Well, I don’t want to hear it anymore so I spoke up. Yes, they could be friends with Steve and they could retaliate, but I’ll take my chances because that’s what life is about…taking chances. And as someone once told me, there would never be any chance for change for the better if no one ever spoke up. I just don’t know if it will do any good even if they don’t spite me for it.

Went to the lab this morning and had no trouble getting blood drawn. Women usually do a better job than men, so it’s a good thing that most phlebotomists are women.

Stopped at Burger King on the way back. I’m slowly scaling back on my guilty pleasures. We don’t eat out often to begin with, but because we’re going out tomorrow to get some more fluoride toothpaste from my dentist we’ll probably stop at KFC along the way. I’ve been craving them for a while. But my 3 guilty pleasures are coffee, candy, and wine. I’m cutting back on the candy because I am pre-diabetic and I definitely don’t want to become diabetic. So I figure getting rid of sugar will help. Once I get my thyroid numbers as ideal as I can, I will be cutting out the wine and making one last-ditch effort to lose weight. I’m going to keep the coffee though.

I decided I’m finally done publishing books on Amazon whether or not it’s my own name or a pen name. They never paid me for book sales I’ve made over the last few months! So I said fuck it and pulled everything off their shelves. I’m not going to be a free library. Sharing stories for free on my story account is one thing. Not being paid while others profit is another. I swear I am so not meant to make money! ☹

MONDAY, JULY 4, 2022 It occurred to me that I haven’t heard firecrackers. Turns out that’s only because I’ve been asleep when they’ve been going on. Tom’s heard them for a few days now, and I just heard one. It can’t be nearly as bad as it was in Cali, though! It was horrible there.

Since protesting seems to be America’s favorite pastime, some are protesting the July 4th holiday saying what independence? What independence do we supposedly have when women have been stripped of the rights to their own bodily anatomy? It’s fucked up but people have got to learn to live with it since it’s not going to change for decades and when it does, it will eventually be back to the way things are now or worse. People’s rights are gonna be bounced back and forth like a basketball for as long as humans exist. Meanwhile, there are still states where it’s legal, there are pills, and other methods. I just wish more doctors and nurses would stand up to these fuckers (SCOTUS) and take care of their patients like they’re trained to do. It really is important to stand up to and defy crazy. If you don’t, crazy just gets crazier. What’s the point of being a doctor if you can’t fully do your job? Or you don’t.

I love that the SCOTUS is getting fed up with the chaos going on outside their homes, but that’s not good enough for them. They need to be shown a better example of what can and should happen to those who play God with other people’s lives and bodies. Sadly, this won’t be happening, though. There’s a US Marshall standing every few feet apart all around their houses. But if the protesters can get themselves to their houses, why can’t drive by shooters? Where are all the martyrs when you need them? The people willing to go to jail to help right a wrong.

sighs Lots of shootings tonight. But hey, guns have more rights than women.

Heard a few barks from the dog today and a few yesterday. It seems that nowadays most of what I’m hearing is the damn thing getting all excited to go with Steve on the golf cart. I still worry about when the weather is cooler and windows are open.

There’s quite a bit of thunder going on now, so I’m glad I’m not asleep yet. But will it bring any rain? It seems we’ve had some rather dry storms lately.

Woke up after 6 hours of sleep after being up 20 hours and was exhausted, as expected. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep for over an hour. When I got up, I was amazed to find I had the energy I rarely have and I cleaned most of the house. I spent over 4 hours on it.

My Co Q10 should arrive tomorrow. I also got a pink wide-brimmed hat with a ponytail holder. It’s identical to the brown hat I got in Hawaii that has a drawstring tie around the neck for when it’s windy. That one doesn’t have a ponytail holder, though. This hat should be good for when we do nature walks in the winter.

Because the satin sheets are a little big for this mattress, we got something that secures them to the mattress better.

SUNDAY, JULY 3, 2022 Tom said he was beginning to wonder if my curse was true because everything that could go wrong yesterday with the horses went wrong. He lost 30 bucks. As I told him, I was sorry to hear that, but I’m not surprised. I always knew the horses were just a dream. We’re not meant to have a lot of money. I just don’t know why or what, if anything, is behind it. Does it just happen to not be meant to be just because or is there something up there making sure that it’s not meant to be?

This is very likely our forever home, so when we plan home improvements and upgrades, we should consider that. I don’t think it will do any good, but after the AC is paid off we should decide what room I’m going to settle in and have it soundproofed. I would prefer to do the whole house actually, excluding the lanai of course. That would be the time to do the floors too.

But yeah, I really think this is it from a logical standpoint. We would never do this and this is just a hypothetical example of course, but if we sold this place and stayed in a hotel until we ran out of money, we would never be able to get a house again anywhere. Especially with him not working. So it’s not so much a curse as that it’s simply not meant to be. My sleep issues…that’s a curse! If my fatigue really is mostly connected to the thyroid, that and the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any change in my metabolism tells me I’m still way out of range.

Slept okay for the most part, but woke up tired as usual. Because there was no thunder or power failure to use against me, I had to have a nightmare instead where we were soon to be killing ourselves. It was weird too because he didn’t seem sick or upset and neither did I. It was simply something we were going to do and had to do just like we have to go grocery shopping and stuff like that. What was even stranger was that we got rid of most of our stuff beforehand. I wasn’t going to, but I knew he would be pissed if I suddenly changed my mind since we’d already made plans and given up our stuff.

Galileo just sent some helpful tips on blood pressure, most of which I already was aware of like the Mediterranean diet and things like that. But here’s something I didn’t know. There are natural supplements that can help blood pressure, since I turned down medication, and CoQ10 is one of them. They said to let them know if I’m interested in that and to keep track of my BP once or twice a week. They’ll check in with me in a month for those results.

First I gotta see if I can wake up today. 7 hours and 14 minutes of sleep, 88 sleep score, and I’m tired.

The nuts I’m getting this morning will be the last time I get them because they are lightly salted. The nuts need to be raw. For the Mediterranean or DASH diet, it’s basically very little salt, no processed stuff, no pastries, no snacks, no chips, no candy. In other words, Tom wouldn’t even last a day on this diet because it’s mostly fish, veggies, fruits, nuts, beans, legumes, whole grains, and a little dairy, pasta and rice. The bagels I’m getting are all wrong too LOL. At least I didn’t get any processed stuff! I did get a candy bar, though.

When my wine is gone, I will give that up for a long time. Read that high blood pressure is also implicated in earlier onset and worsening progression of Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia and I swear I have been so brain-dead lately! I’ve been putting the wrong diamonds in the wrong places more often when diamond painting, I’ve been forgetting that I preheated the oven, and all kinds of other things.

They recommend a minimum of 2000 milligrams of salt, whole grains, vegetables, and less saturated fats and sugar (DASH or Mediterranean diet).

Exercise five days a week for 20 minutes, and two of those days with resistance.

Limit alcohol and try to lose weight.

Meditation.

Natural supplements are EPA DHA CoQ10 and garlic.

I could definitely do most of these, except I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to lose weight. As we know, not everybody gets weight loss from diet and exercise. I don’t stand a chance with my TSH where it’s at right now. But for starters, I will focus on what I’m eating and count calories later. Glad that Bowflex is finally set up and that we didn’t sell it after all!

He wasn’t kidding when he said you can hear so much noise out in the lanai compared to the house. You can hear everything and I mean everything. As soon as we stepped out into it, I heard other dogs. Steve’s dog would be very loud in there because it has a loud bark and can easily be heard throughout the house. There’s another one around here that barks regularly, but it’s not too annoying. It’s further away and not as loud.

Since my legs and part of my arms get most of the workout when I’m doing VZfit, I’m going to focus on my core, biceps, and triceps when using the Bowflex.

My HR is doing OK today. Yesterday it spiked to around 100 for a while even though I didn’t have anything greasy or sugary.

SATURDAY, JULY 2, 2022 Yesterday we decided to bomb the place after all. First, a spider jumped out and scared the shit out of me, and we have a lot of little flying bugs due to the humidity. We only had to be out for two hours, so we drove around and then ended up at BK.

Someone was definitely next door as Tom noticed someone painting their carport the other day. They also shut their bathroom window.

Anyway, I was a little jittery but it was my own fault for indulging in a wee bit too much fudge. So my heart was a little racy yesterday and I felt warm. And then the fatigue set in big time. Even though I only slept 5 hours yesterday, I started off with decent enough energy. In the middle of my day, though, it started hitting me.

Finally fed up with the extreme fatigue that’s been worse for about a year now, I decided to let Galileo in on it. They made a new case for that as well as for hypertension. They asked me to take some blood pressure readings for them and I did. It was probably high, though, because of the stress and extra sodium. I told them it’s usually lower when I wake up and that my old doctor decided against blood pressure medication because she felt it would make me dizzy since my readings are better at the beginning of my day. Plus, there’s the medication phobia. Yes, that’s gotten better, but I’m still prone to side effects, whether I like it or not and I don’t want to go on medication at this time.

They asked if I had ever partaken in a sleep study because they wondered if I could have sleep apnea. I told them no and that it would be hard for me to get meaningful results in a sleep study because of my unique sleeping situation where I have trouble falling asleep and have to sleep with the sound machine on. I guess I might be able to do one eventually at home if it doesn’t cost too much, but I doubt I have sleep apnea. Tom pointed out there’s a thing on Fitbit that measures your oxygen rate in your sleep. It’s a graph in which blue is better than orange. I only had a few orange peaks. Nothing that smacks of an unhealthy trend.

They asked about snoring, and I do snore, but lightly. I’m not like Tom where you can hear it through walls. Thunder didn’t wake me up as expected last night, but a power failure woke me up. It was the second one we had, too. The first one happened when I was awake. I hope I’m not going to get as many wake-up calls from that as I do from thunder. Anyway, I woke up the instant the power went out and I did notice that yes, I was softly snoring.

I also filled out some standard questionnaires and was asked about alcohol consumption and whether or not I’ve ever had any EKG or stress test. I told them I had both in 2016 and then they asked about anyone having serious heart issues before the age of 50 in my family. I told them about my father and the fact that one of my grandfathers died of a heart attack at just over 50.

They’re going to be sending me to the lab. They want to check my TSH and also my iron levels and look for antibodies that could indicate either infections or inflammation. It will be interesting to see what my TSH is which I’d guess is 11-point-whatever.

I don’t have a guess as to what could be causing my fatigue, but I don’t think it’s serious. I want to say it’s my TSH but then why didn’t I have such fatigue when I was first diagnosed? I was so tired that I slept for nearly 10 hours and got a good sleep score. As usual, though, I didn’t wake up feeling that refreshed.

I’m just so glad I have Galileo to exchange all this information with. I could never have done this through a portal with a regular doctor/patient setup.

So I peeled off the nail stickers from my big toes expecting quite a mess underneath, but nope. The lacquer really does kill fungus. My fingernails have me completely mystified though. I still see redness and I still have sensitivity where the fingertip meets the nail. If it was just a chemical reaction, wouldn’t it be better by now? But I don’t see how a fungus or infection of any kind could spring up that fast either. I still have plenty of lacquer on hand and tons of refills, though, if it doesn’t go away.

After Burger King (I only got hash browns) we stopped at Walgreens. I got some wine but no treats. I’ve had enough sugar. Since we still had time to kill, we sat in the driveway for a while. The humidity gives all the houses a drenched look as if it just finished raining. Once the sun comes up, it dries it up.

I came up with a cover story to have Mia contact Nane, but she never replied to the message. I’m sure she saw it, even though I can’t see that she did. I said… I believe we could be related. My father was Robert L and was married to my mother for 20 years. Somewhere during the marriage, he took up with a mistress. Although I can’t get my mother to talk about it, he supposedly started a family with this woman until he died of a heart attack in her bed. They had two daughters, Vivian and Marion. They would be in their 50s or 60s today. I live in New Mexico, but his mistress is from Europe. I was never told which country, but seeing the German writing on your profile makes me wonder if it could be you. The name and the age in your photos look right as well.

I don’t know if she suspects I’m behind the account. I added some religious memes and chose a royalty cover photo of a Hispanic-looking woman with three kids. There is a hand holding beach shells for the profile picture.

I’m now unsure as far as the termite goes. I went through everything that’s public and she has shit spanning back to 2010. Of course, one of the posts had to be the photos she took of me when we visited her that I specifically asked that she not make public, but I don’t care at this point. Most of what’s public is the usual shit she would post. Self-comforting memes, memes about being screwed over, praise for the Sarasite, her mommy and Daddy in heaven, the angels that watch over her, etc.

It could be that she’s had this stuff public all along and didn’t recently make it public, but I just never noticed when we were connected. I didn’t have another account to look in on her as I had no reason to. I also wouldn’t notice if she’s allowed anyone to comment on her posts all along. So she still might not have seen the message and might not have recently changed any settings.

I can’t get rid of the pictures she took and shared, but I really wish there was a way to get rid of all comments and likes between a person. I don’t understand why they’re showing up since I’ve blocked her. Blocking is supposed to delete all likes and comments from the person, but apparently, it doesn’t. That’s fucking Facebook for you. It’ll take time, but I could slowly go through my activity log and delete some things.

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2022 I’m going to be sending Galileo a message letting them know I’ve been doing well as far as anxiety goes and am starting just one 75 a week, with the rest being 88. While I’m at it, I’m going to mention the fatigue. I’ll explain that I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep more often, not waking up refreshed most days, and see what they say.

It’s strange how I could sleep 8 hours two days ago and felt tired the first few hours of my day while I just got up from 5 hours of sleep and I feel more rested.

I love it when I remember enough of my dreams to write about them, even if they’re not good. Tom and I were living in a tiny house somewhere. There was just one room on one side and a bathroom and a kitchenette on the other. I slept on a twin bed along the back wall and he had a twin bed along the side wall.

A young woman in her 20s or 30s whom we had met previously came to the door while he was asleep. I let her in, even though I wasn’t sure I liked her very much. She just didn’t seem all there. She stayed briefly and then returned later. At this time, she lay down on my bed and pulled the comforter over her head. Then she started nonstop rambling about everything and nothing. I could clearly see she was bipolar, paranoid, and delusional. At one point she mentioned something about having to train me. Sick of listening to it and having no tolerance for the mentally ill any more than rude people, I said I had been up since 4 in the morning and asked her to leave, which she did.

I also had a dream about Johnson for the first time in ages. She and I were having a friendly chat and she told me she would marry me in 10 to 15 years. She knew I was still with Tom and in her mind, she may have thought he would be gone then.

Realizing she never told me her first name as she was walking away, I called out “Rachel!” to see if she would turn around. She didn’t, though.

Too bad I could never find her on Facebook. I don’t harbor any hard feelings anymore and I would love to say hello and see how her life has been even though I’m sure she wouldn’t reply whether or not she blocked me. I realize that as far as her blowing me off, that’s just how people are, not that people shouldn’t keep their word unless they have a good excuse not to.

I’ve only heard the dog once in the last few days, but I think that’s because I haven’t been around in the mid-afternoon to early evening when it seems to be heard the most. I heard a few barks yesterday, but nothing too loud or annoying. Still dread it when the weather cools down and people open their windows. I know I’m gonna hear the damn thing bark every time someone goes into the kitchen and it gets all excited in anticipation of being fed or when someone comes to the door or they go out somewhere and leave the mutt home.

My nails aren’t quite as sensitive after what I suspect was a chemical burn from the gel remover, but I do have discoloration. Not the yellow and brownish discoloration I had from the fungus, but more like a red irritated look. It extends from the middle of the nails to the tips. Hopefully, it will grow out and I’ll be as good as new again. I’m not doing anything else to my nails for a while.

Mrs. Twenties still says it’s been quieter there “for some reason” and that still bugs me, even though I know it can’t be as quiet as it is here. Not when you’re on a busy street in a big city. And like the trash collectors are suddenly using the smaller, quieter trucks they use here where a guy jumps off the back to grab the trash and they’re in and out? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were fewer planes and projects, though. I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve already heard four planes as late as it is.

She says the only dog she sometimes hears is Melody’s. Figures Gerry would shut her dog up after we leave.

It hit me as I was falling asleep that the termite could have allowed public comments sooner or later than she started making more things public. I remember having Aly check her account because I was curious if she made anything public about me and she couldn’t see much of anything. So yeah, she could have started allowing comments from anyone right after I sent the messages. Discovering this gives me a little more hope that the messages really did go through and were seen. Well, I knew they went through because I saw that much. I just had no way to tell if Facebook blocked them from being able to view the messages, or if they didn’t get them. As funny as it may sound, I really do hope her allowing public comments is because of me, LOL. There’s just something amusing about her doing this in hopes of “getting” me and me knowing she’ll never get what she wants. If I knew Tom and I were about to die, I would certainly leave a message, even though there still wouldn’t be anything she could do about it from a legal standpoint. I just wouldn’t want Tom to find out about it somehow so that’s why I’m quiet for now.

I’m still a little surprised she would risk embarrassing herself with what I may say about her, but I guess hoping to get me is worth whatever that may be. There are plenty of people out there willing to spite themselves to spite others. My guess is she’s either hoping I’ll write something she can legally use against me or she wants me to reach out so she can reply with “sensitive,” false and nasty “info.” Something like, “You’ve been in jail. You’ve been in funny farms. You’re going to be arrested,” as if that would really hurt, LOL.

As I said, I would gladly return the trolling as immature as it may be and as much as I’d be stooping to their level if it weren’t for Tom. I would just keep it legal. She really could have gotten her ass in trouble for threatening me in a recording in her own voice. She only did it because she knew I wouldn’t bother to waste time reporting her. It was still a daring but bold move on her part. A stupid one too.

Damn the fucking motorcycles blazing by the park! I know it’s Friday night but still. It’s the middle of the night. Have some fucking respect.

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1d1195 · 10 months ago

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It’s nice to be noticed and missed! That so sweet of you. Always make me feel welcomed like a long lost relative when I pop in. ❤️

I absolutely understand about the engagement between readers and the stories, I think as a reading community we could stand to show you guys the writers more love, praise and engagement because these amazing stories and worlds you guys conjure are really great. And help as entertainment as well as just something nice to look forward to once or twice a week. But for you Sam, I think you’ve got to take yourself out of the equation here. If I’m understanding you correctly it seems that you’re attaching the engagement a post or story will have with you worth and that’s just not it babes. If one of your stories “fails” (and I use that term very very lightly) it’s honestly just timing. You’ve got a Taylor Swift wide catalog of stories both new and old masterlists and your writing, character and world building has only gotten better as each new piece comes out. You do every thing right, every single time. If it’s not working out it’s just the timing. I’d be willing to put money on it. You yourself are amazing. Your blog is such a safe place for people. And yeah maybe it’s the stories that brought them here in the first place but we—at least me—stay cuz you’re awesome, kind and generous. No matter what’s going on in life, I know that I can count on at least one story either on Monday or Thursday depending and having that to look forward to is such a small and kind gift that you give to people like me.

Who you are and what you’ve got to give is absolutely good enough.

I hope all of that made sense I just wrote and wrote. As for myself I’m doing okay. Told my dad he can’t come to my wedding and he sent me a goodbye and good riddance letter. I think he thought it was going to make me feel guilty or something but I’m so immune to his games now it’s hilarious. But other than that. I’m hanging in there. Trying to take care of myself and be happy, whatever that looks like. And doing some of my own writing (little short love stories) but I’m pretty rusty so it’s not quite what I want but I’m liking rebuilding that muscle.

I hope something I said in all that is helpful. If you take anything away: you’re perfect as it, everything else is just noise. -🐱

You're so logical, I wish I could. You would think as a math person I would be MORE logical but I just get all wrapped up in being emotional I get all flustered.

Everything you said made perfect sense. I'm extremely grateful to you and how kind you are. I am definitely not too kind to myself almost ever so I get very emotional when people are kind to me. Also, I'm a pretty big push over in the real world so people just expect me to be kind and do things for them so it's really overwhelming that you just pointed out like REALLY nice things about me and are making me feel valuable even if I don't see it myself. I'm glad I created a safe place here, that's what I really want more than anything 💕

That's extremely sad about your dad but I'm so proud of you for doing that. Your wedding is about you and you deserve it to be all you want and more. I'm so happy for you 💕

ALSO ALSO YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I wanted to ask about your engagement/wedding plans but I didn't know if that was still a plan and I think I would have jumped into traffic if I asked and you weren't getting married still.

If you feel comfortable, I would love to hear more details about your wedding! Color, theme, location (nothing specific--beach, barn, backyard, church, etc). I love to hear wedding plans! If my bf ever proposes we will NOT be having a wedding (we are poor-poor) so I love to live vicariously through others and their plans 😍 ALSO I'm so excited to hear you're writing! Writing short little love stories was how I got my start here too so I'm sure it won't be long till you're writing Harry stuff with the rest of us 😉

Thank you for your sweet message. I adore you 💕

xoxo

#🐱

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alex-guerin · 1 year ago

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So. Two weeks ago on a Thursday, my car overheated on my way into work. Annoying, inconvenient, but an easy fix my brother and I were able to take care of on that Saturday. Drove into work on Sunday, no issues. Drove into work Monday, no issues. Driving home from work Monday night, issues. Big issues.

Took my car into the little shop in town, guys were able to determine the valve gasket was leaking oil into the sparkplugs, fried my spark plugs and coil pack, AND a PVC vacuum tube had cracked and that was what was causing my car to shudder. They fixed it up for me, $500 later, I picked it up on Saturday.

Drove it to work yesterday, no issues. Drove it home yesterday, no issues. Started for work today, issues. Big BIG issues. The kind of issues that resulted in me using sick time at work cuz I was sitting on the side of the road for an hour, on the phone with fucking roadside assistance for that whole hour, while some guy who claimed his name was Daniel (...yeeeeah, there's no way it was Daniel) attempted to find me a tow truck that would come out to get me and take me back to my mechanic. Who thankfully was able to get my car into the shop right away, but fears it might be something transmission related...and the fact I haven't heard back from him today makes me worried...

My damn car still has 2.5 years before it's paid off. My dad used me as a co-signer so HE could get a new car that he can't afford and keeps missing payments on so now MY credit score is tanked and fucked, so getting a new vehicle is essentially out of the question.

If it turns out it's my transmission, I honestly don't know what I'll do. I know it's gonna cost well over $1,000 to get those things fixed/replaced and I have a whopping $1200 to my name right now. I literally can't afford to replace my transmission.

Maybe, depending on how much it'll cost, the shop will let me do some kind of payment plan thing? Like, pay them half up front and then X-amount each month (hell, week if I could swing it!).

I just...I don't know what to do. I am out of money and out of ideas. At least I do still have ways to get to work...most of the time... =/

#fuck life #life isn't even giving me lemons right now #and the ones it is giving are rotten and gross

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wanderinglotus7 · 1 year ago

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Postcards from VA

There's nothing like being able to go home and get a nice recharge from my typical day to day of my new life. It's kind of weird saying "my new life". I'm still figuring out if Boston feels like home; or even if I can call Boston home. Every place that you live at has its pros & cons, you just hope that wherever you reside that there's more pros than there are cons. Some things I do appreciate about living in Boston (Newton) is that most places are walkable, public transportation is easy to access, I can always find something to do, my church community at NewCity, the history, and the diversity. Some of the cons are the lack of parking, the high cost of living, the busyness of the city, difficulties of establishing new friendships along with dating, and the overt/covert racism (and other isms). There's no such thing as a perfect place unless it's in my dreams.

Thinking logistically, If I cannot longer financially support myself in MA, I began looking into other living situations. Like relocating to Rhode Island or North Carolina. North Carolina would be my first choice because it reminds me of Virginia without returning to Virginia. If I want to visit home or attend family functions, I won't be that far away from everyone. Maybe no more than a 4-to-5-hour drive at the most compared to a 9-hour drive. Like Massachusetts there are plenty of job opportunities it just depends on what I am interested in pursuing. The job opportunities in Rhode Island seem a little small however, I can still work in the same line of work I'm currently doing. Yet, the work would be more related to domestic violence and sexual violence. Not much related to trafficking. If I were to relocate to any state in the US, I can always get a job as a school social worker. I'm not permanently attached to any one job or place. I think this is becoming my catch phrase, but I'm riding the wave. I'm remaining in my stillness.

We received word on Thursday that Adelante was rewarded the OVC grant. This means that the trafficking program has funding for the next three years. This also means I have a job for three years. If I want to continue my work in the anti-trafficking field but want to change the population I'm working with, I would work with youth in a counseling or mentorship framework; no case management if I can avoid it. Or I could go another route and teach a psychology or social work course or two at a university or provide mental health services to young adults (college students). Time will tell. I know for sure that I don't want to work more jobs than necessary. My work ethic isn't based on money. My work ethic is based on my passion and interest in the work that I am doing. Either way, let's see in 2 or 3 years where I am at in my life. I may be single now, but I might find myself in a relationship next year or my financial situation may change.

Roots. Home. Gloucester will always be home. So much has changed, but so much has remain the same. I was happy to see that my dogwood tree came back to life because the last time I laid eyes on it it was on the brink of death. Spending time with Snoopy, family, and friends was comforting, but also disheartening. Some people just don't change (smh). The answer to that is it to love those from a distance if they are worth my energy in maintaining those relationships especially when it comes to family. And sometimes it's best to let those relationships dissolve for my own growth and emotional well-being. I still get emotional when I think and speak about my Grandma Shirley and my granddaddy. It hurts seeing their homes empty. It's like all the life around there has been sucked away. I did take the opportunity to visit their grave sites, but it didn't make things easier. I do know that I can still feel their presence, but they make themselves known in different ways. I wonder when the pain will settle. I wonder when the pain will become less to bare.

#homesick #grief #changes

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trashlie · 2 years ago

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Ooooohhh whenever I get a notification from you, I get SO excited because I know I’m in for a READING FEAST and once again you do not disappoint! Under a cut to spare your friends lmao (I think mine have just accepted that I won’t shut up; I like to hope SOMEONE follows along in the “I don’t go here but I can’t help taking a look” way lmao)

GOOD POINTS I have not thought about! I always get caught up thinking about Kousuke resenting Rand because I worry that this night will cause a regression that I never have considered what happens if (when I hope) Kousuke realizes not only was he a pawn, but he was a pawn against the man he strived to be.

I do worry it can go a couple ways. The obvious is that he will come away from it like Nol, jaded and disillusioned, which would obviously be in Yui’s favor. She’s driven that wedge between them this entire life, both so that he would continue to work towards their (her) goal AND so that he would stay on her side. That’s the whole thing about making him dependent on her in all ways. Someone else I was talking to also made a good point I think a lot of other readers don’t consider, that Yui could very easily and effectively cut Kousuke off from everything. Even if he came to see through her, in a way she still has him tethered to her because it would be so easy to strip him of his fortune, his security, his roles, even his image. I can’t fault someone who is self-serving in that manner - I, too, would fear losing everything.

BUT that said! I think that’s where the planting of the seed becomes important. It’s not enough, I think, to know that Yui intends to get rid of Rand, especially in case Kousuke comes away with that disillusionment. HOWEVER I think the most important thing is that he learns that Yui has been sabotaging their relationship. Knowing that, perhaps, Rand has made more effort than he ever thought, that Rand WAS looking out for him in the best way he could considering who he was dealing with, and that Yui played interference would at least get him to question her motives AND maybe come to a realization that Rand’s words alone can’t - that he was good enough just as he was.

I think Nol is impossible for him to reach - and clearly Rand seems to think the same - so yes, I really hope something good can come of him meeting Kousuke. I worry how it will go, since we know Yui has arrived - would she leave the scene at any point? I feel like she must be expecting Rand to arrive at some point? I can’t see her leaving Rand the opportunity to show up and have an honest moment, but we’ll have to see what Thursday has in store for us. I AM at least rooting for Rand. You are right that he needs to get through to someone, and as Rand noted, I think Kousuke right now needs it the most.

Also GOD right, I think that’s one of the WORST parts of that whole pool fiasco! That she was willing to take the risk of Kousuke getting injured, just to further traumatize Nol. She couldn’t help herself, it felt like. It simultaneously makes my skin crawl and makes me seethe with anger. You said earlier that she makes such a FANTASTIC antagonist and it’s exactly that stuff! It’s the way she put Shinae’s life in danger as well as theirs, and then puts on that act of pretending to care, just to reallyyyyyyyy rub that salt into Nol’s wound. It’s the way she took advantage of this girl and trapped her into a contract under false premises knowingly taking advantage of her desperation and has no remorse. It’s that she was willing to risk injury to Kousuke if she could say that it was, yet again, Nol’s fault.

Like, I hate the “that’s her husband’s illegitimate child you can’t expect her to love him” arguments whenever I see them, but especially so because it doesn’t matter! She is a grown woman using people - including her own son - as pawns, she has antagonized and traumatized someone’s child for her own satisfaction.

Off topic but it makes me wonder who, exactly, Nol was hiding himself from. At every turn, he’s downplayed himself, tried not to stand out. Let’s his father think he doesn’t share Kousuke’s intelligence, his own friends think he’s bad at math even though he can do the work without showing his work! On the one hand, it would have gotten Rand off his neck (maybe) had he been able to show that he is not as dumb or unintelligent as they think. But what Rand knows, Yui would know.

Does Nol know that she sees him as a threat, or is it just that he knows she hates him and has made his life hell. Is it more that Kousuke treated him as a threat, so he tries to downplay himself to look as innocent as possible, to prove that he doesn’t have any ulterior motives? And that’s also.... DOES he? It’s hard to tell with him - on the one hand he feels like he should stop fighting, that nothing good ever comes, just go with it. When we see him at the Christmas party, it feels like it’s the first time he’s started to really fight back and stand his ground, given how Yui responds. Was his dream to go to Oxford just to impress Rand AND get away? Because I think a lot about that scene when Nol asked Kousuke what he’d do if somebody else got the role he wanted. Was that just him goading Kousuke for his lack of other plans, for his certainty that no one can contest him? The whole point of that scene was “nobody is after you” and who is Nol but nobody, the underestimated underdog of the champion.

Has he hidden all of this about himself so that he could spring an attack? Just to defend and protect himself?

Up until then, Nol seemed like he was still trying to... I wouldn’t say make peace but at least get along? Bide his time until he could get the hell out of there and never look back. Maybe it was just that he hid himself so that escape would be easier (if Yui had no idea what he was planning, then it wouldn’t be as easy for her to jeopardize him). But also, the idea of whether or not he was planning his own ambush begs the question: why did he even reveal to Kousuke that he was going to interview with Oxford? A foolish hope at a connection? Did he really not expect Kousuke to go to Yui?

Idk, this is all tangential LMAO

At any rate, yes, I agree that it’s really important that Rand at least gets that seed planted, so that even if it doesn’t have any bearing on Kousuke at the current, it will start awakening something in him, make him start questioning things. I think that’s what we’re going to start seeing? (Or maybe I am, as ever, hopeful.) There’s just something about getting to see Yui’s tactics play out after the admission Kousuke made that makes me think the seeds are being sown. Even if Yui’s “calming tea” blurs his memories of what happened, I hope that enough of those fragments will come through to him that it can trigger again in the future. And if Rand gets his seed of doubt planted, as well, enough that Kousuke will start to see things in a new light, even if that’s not what he wants?

IDK idk let’s free Kousuke!

Replying to @trashlie and @hotdamncomics for their reblogs on this post under a cut so I can spare my friends the walls of text of a comic they're not reading lol.

Trashlie, friend, reblogger of theories and fellow Thursday night feels partner absorbing all the details... you bring up such great points.

But on the other, Yui has spent Kousuke’s entire life gaslighting and manipulating him; it’s only natural that it would be difficult for him to reconcile these two versions of her, and sometimes he’s unable to in the end.

Every time Yui makes a move she says she does it with either his or their family's best interest in mind. Over and over. Kousuke has seen himself benefit time and time again from her unorthodox methods. And we know that he's not against life being unfair in his favor.

He has never had reasons to doubt that was her only motive, but he isn't a child anymore. He has seen and experienced things she has done that are worse than merely giving him an unfair advantage.

I'm actually curious about how Kousuke would respond if he realized his mother is trying to ruin and remove Rand from the picture.

This is why I so desperately want Rand to connect to Kousuke that evening. Even if Kousuke doesn't immediately believe him and thinks any mushy words mean Rand is disappointed in him (as he thought earlier that night when Hansuke took the call sneakily) the seed will have been planted.

Kousuke might see that he is been a pawn in a power struggle he's never signed up for. He didn't want to reach the top to ruin his father, but to meet him. He didn't want to reach the top to be to busy to spend time with his father, but rather if his father's burden were less, then maybe they would have time to spend together.

Yui's played a game that can backfire on her.

Because if Kousuke doesn't end up resenting Rand for his neglect, for having another family, then she can actually lose her pawn to him.

Especially if Kousuke uncovers that his mother sabotaged whatever closeness they could have had.

I really need Rand to be able to reach to at least one of his sons before the time skip. Even if it's just to plant a seed.

If Yui wanted to ensure that Nol never stood a chance against Kousuke, then damaging not only the way others see him but also the way he sees himself was a sure fire way to do it, wasn’t it?

Indeed, psychological manipulation in the hands of professionals with the intent to harm instead of helping is very dangerous.

And it makes me think back on the formal.

We know that Yui could not have predicted Nol's involvement or how things played out with him entirely, but she took the chance when it presented itself.

She knows damn well that Nol doesn't like her touching him, so she crept up on him deliberately to cause the rest of the events to unfold. She's so threatened by his existence that she'd risk her precious heir in order to cause another situation—a very public one—for Nol being unstable and malicious toward Kousuke, the heir.

After all, her son could have sustained far more serious injuries, but she didn't care. Yui was willing to risk it if it meant ensuring Nol had another mark against him.

She could always blame any lingering health issues after that accident on Nol purposefully hurting Kousuke.

Of course, the one who got hurt was Shin Ae, which she could still use against him to at least trigger him to go back to whatever state kept him down and defeated before.

Either way, she took a huge risk, which means she is actually very concerned about Nol's existence.

He is the one who truly gets under her skin, as we've seen.

[That lip quiver at the Christmas party was so satisfying...]

/ / / / /

Okay, so hotdamncomics, yes! I remember you from the kdrama life. Glad to see you have similar taste in comics. You bring up interesting points! I think the formal arc really helped us see the personalities, as well as "core" values (at that time) of the major characters.

Kousuke who didn't help Shin-ae when he tripped her at the formal is his real self, someone concerned foremost by how people see and perceive him than someone else's comfort or safety. He's not a nice and proper gentleman at core. That's a mask, one he put on when he invited Shin-ae to dance to prove a point that he was a gentleman. Even here he's failed to act in her interest regardless if he was genuine. He took priority. Let me fix my previous blunder by offering that poor girl a dance and not so much about proving he wasn't embarrassed of her.

He knew someone like her wouldn't know how to dance but he put her on the spotlight because repairing his image was more important than proving he wasn't ashamed of her. He could have chosen to play the piano with her by his side. It would still draw attention, still show her he's not ashamed of admitting he knows her, but would have placed her comfort ahead of his image.

This is actually a fantastic observation and you proposed a great alternative to inviting her to dance that would have conveyed the sentiment that he knows her and doesn't mind being seen with her without further embarrassing her by offering to partake in an activity he should have assumed she wasn't accustomed or knew how to do.

But, we see this again when Shin Ae's falls. Yes, he is the one closest to grab her when she falls over the railing, but once they hit the pool, he's first concerned with getting himself out and then remembers she's fallen too which is entirely different from Nol's eventual choice.

Nol comes up to air with Shin Ae.

And after the Christmas party arc we were aware that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts in that moment—he wanted to remain there, essentially drown, but seeing her pushed him to go back to his hell.

He didn't deserve the "peace of death."

It's not that I think there is something wrong with people who will prioritize themselves, but it does serve as a contrast between just how different Nol and Kousuke operate.

There have been so many hints that prove Kousuke isn't in fact that kind gentleman—that is part of the persona, of the expectation of a well-rounded heir and the type of man his father would admire.

Kousuke often slips out of that mask, particularly when stressed, to show who he is. A man who says more than he should under the veil of honesty, often hurting or insulting those around him.

"I don't mean to offend," is always said by those who will offend.

Yujing's actions feel too personal and led by revenge to be something shallow. Someone important must have urged her to try for a story that can ruin her career if she doesn't execute it perfectly and with no room for a counter defamation lawsuit.

I think this is actually quite right. We don't know what kind of "terrible situation" Rand helped her out of—but he had a hand in getting her to where she is. Someone who has tasted defeat or loss is protective of security and more prone to self-preservation.

She does have a strong ethic and she mentions she wants to restore faith in journalism by exposing the truth no matter how ugly. It'll be interesting to see what prompted her to take this risk to bring a very powerful woman like Yui down. Perhaps Yujing isn't meant to hit the knock out, but weaken her enough where the others on the board (if we go back to the chess theory) can act.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Kousuke Hirahara #Yui Hirahara #Randulph Skuli Hirahara #poisonheart #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn

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beyondspaceandstars · 3 years ago

Text

“We Go Way Back”

Relationship: Yelena Belova x Reader Warnings: angst, attitude, possible vague Black Widow spoilers Summary: Your and Yelena's date night takes an unexpected turn when a surprise guest shows up at your shared apartment. A/N: So. I saw Black Widow on thursday....i loved SO much.......maybe even found a new comfort character..........and now here we are :) please enjoy

Masterlist

You were just finishing up dinner when two arms snaked around your waist. You giggled, staring down at the sautéed vegetables, as you leaned into your girlfriend’s touch.

"Smells good," she mumbled against your neck. Light kisses were beginning to litter your skin.

You sighed. "Thank you, love," you said, giving everything a final stir before turning off the burners. You went to start carrying items to the table, thinking your girlfriend would let up on her hold on you, but that ended up not being the case.

With a joyous laugh, you playfully scolded her, "Yelena, please," you smiled. "Do you want to eat or not?"

She hummed. Her hands drifted now to your sides and began creeping their way to your hips and thighs. "Depends on what you had in mind."

You let out a faux surprised gasp. "You’re shameless." You shook your head and peeled her hands away from you. She let out a little defeated sigh but you just shot her a playful look and continued with your initial mission of setting the dining table.

Thankfully, this time, Yelena lent a helping hand as opposed to lending her hands…elsewhere. The latter was a common occurrence, especially before date night dinners, such as ones like these. There had been one too many meals you were forced to reheat everything after you let Yelena get carried away.

After the food was placed — a nice spread of local meats, fresh produce, and bakery bread — you began working on getting plates and cutlery. Yelena had taken it upon herself to start breaking out the wine. She brought out two bottles you had just bought that morning based on the recommendation from the butcher. You maybe took cooking and dinners a bit too seriously, hoping everything was right especially when it was for your love.

You set out the cutlery just as Yelena finished pouring two (hefty) glasses of wine. You shot her a smile in thanks and began filling each of your plates. You did have to pat yourself on the back a bit, everything smelled wonderful.

Once you two had full plates and eager stomachs, you sat down and dug in. Yelena immediately let out an exaggerated moan as she practically devoured the meat. You blushed at her enthusiasm.

"This is wonderful, dear," Yelena praised and took a sip of her wine. "Very reminiscent of my momma’s cooking."

Your ears perked up at your girlfriend’s mention of her family. She did that every now and then, slip in random comments about them. You liked trying to explore it but knew the topic was a delicate one. You trod carefully.

"Yeah?" You asked, moving some vegetables around on your plate. "Did she cook a lot?"

Yelena shrugged. "We’d have dinners together, all of us, pretty much every night."

All of us. You had heard so far of a mother and a father but could there be more? Or were you reading too much into it?

Eventually, you settled on, "Family dinners sound very nice." That was enough, you thought. Just safe but still engaged. You eyed Yelena as she continued to eat. She hadn’t noticed you stalled or, well, she probably did, but wasn’t saying anything. You took large gulps of your wine, impulsively.

Just as your liquid courage was getting to you to maybe inquire further about your lover’s family, a hard knock at the front door disrupted the entire dinner. Both of your movements stopped abruptly. You looked between the door and your girlfriend.

"Were you expecting someone?" You asked.

Yelena shook her head. Her fork dropped with a loud clang as she pushed away from the table. In quick, determined strides she collected the gun kept in the side table in the living room. You watched her, quite stunned by her response. You don’t think you ever actually saw any of her guns come into action. When you first moved in, she just explained they were a precaution. You never asked what kind of precaution. You feared you were getting your answer now as Yelena walked to the entryway.

Gun drawn, pointed dead on with the wooden door, she called out, "Who is it?"

"You can put the gun down." Surprisingly, that was a female voice answering your girlfriend’s demand. Your brows furrowed in curiosity. You watched for Yelena’s reaction but she was still so stoic and intense.

Yelena scoffed. "Are you sure?"

Probably a bit foolishly, you decided to chime in. "Love," you said, "is everything okay?"

The female on the other side of the door spoke again, this time with an element of shock in her voice. "Love?"

Yelena let out a dramatic sigh as she relaxed her stance and surrendered her gun, placing it on the little table in the foyer. What seemed to be a bit reluctantly, Yelena opened the door forcefully.

Despite the mystery woman finally being revealed, it answered approximately zero of your questions. There, in the doorway, stood a redhead whose unamusing expression mixed with a slight smugness matched your girlfriend’s. The two just stared at one another, neither dared to move, as if they were challenging one another to try it.

Curiosity finally getting the best of you, you stood from the dining table and slowly made your way to the front door. Your fingers fumbled in nervousness as you stepped with caution.

"Hi, there," you said with a weak smile and gentle wave. The redhead’s eyes flicked over to you only briefly. Still, you continued, "Are you alright? Do you need something?"

"Oh, do I."

Yelena shook her head. "The only thing she needs is to leave."

You turned to your girlfriend, "Who is she?"

"Natasha," the redhead explained. "Me and your love here," she nodded towards Yelena, "we go way back."

You didn’t know how she had the air in her but Yelena let out another ridiculous sigh and stomped away. Like some defeated child, she took her seat once more at the dining table. You had never seen her like this before, so unattached and dismissive. You wracked your brain on how to mend this.

You turned back to Natasha. "Please, come in." Natasha took the offer quite well and gave you a nod of thanks before entering the apartment. You followed her into the dining room.

"We were just starting dinner," you explained as you raced for the kitchen, grabbing Natasha her own set. "Sit, have some food."

Natasha mumbled a "thanks" as you began filling her plate now with food. You even offered up some wine despite Yelena’s weird look she shot you when you reached for it. You ignored her odd behavior and took your seat once more. Somehow, the tension from the situation just got worse. Neither woman was eating now.

You cleared your throat as you prepared to dig into your meal once more. "I hope it’s still warm. If not, I can pop everything in the oven to warm."

No one said anything.

"Alright then…" You shrugged. "If I may, how exactly do you two know each other?"

That was the question that opened the flood gates. Yelena turned to you abruptly. "She’s my sister."

"Sort of," the redhead quickly retorted.

Your jaw went slack. Your appetite completely abandoned you now as your interest was greatly piqued. "Your sister?" You asked and looked between the two women. Well, they didn’t really look alike…

"Not biologically," Yelena explained. "We just kind of…lived together for a while."

"I see," you nodded. You scraped your fork against your plate, awkwardly. "If I may again, what brings you here, Natasha?"

The question certainly made Yelena perk up as she stared down her sister — or, whatever they considered each other. You resisted the urge to grab her hand under the table, unsure of what level of affection she was comfortable showing in front of this woman.

"Some business to attend to." Short and sweet. You felt these two were definitely related on some level.

"This couldn’t have waited until the morning?" Yelena gritted.

Natasha shrugged. "I guess it could’ve but then, apparently, I would’ve missed out on this lovely dinner with you and your… your, what? Girlfriend?" She took a bite of food. "Hmm, tastes close to someone else’s cooking." A shrug. "Anyways, I didn’t know you dated."

"You don’t know a lot of things."

"Okay!" You explained, trying to salvage whatever was left of this civilized conversation. Natasha and Yelena shared a look before turning to your flustered state. "We’re very happy you dropped in, right, love?" You glanced at Yelena. "And you’re more than welcome to stay, Natasha. I’m afraid all we have to offer is the couch if that would be okay."

Natasha glanced behind you at the living room before nodding. "That would be great," she smiled.

***

It wasn’t until you were standing at the kitchen sink cleaning the dishes from dinner that Yelena approached you to talk. Natasha was off getting ready for bed and your girlfriend hopped on this opportunity.

"I’m so sorry," she said as she stood beside you, taking on the role of the dryer in your little dishwasher assembly line. "I-I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sorry she dropped by, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about her—,"

"Love," you shook your head, giving her a sympathetic look, "it’s okay. I’m not really mad you didn’t tell me or that she’s here. From what I gather, it’s a complicated relationship."

Yelena let out an annoyed huff. "You have no idea." A beat. "But, still. I shouldn’t hide these things from you. She was a big part of my life and now you… you’re a big part of my life. It’s only fair."

Your heart warmed at her admission. She could be quite the affectionate one when she wanted to be. Quickly, you leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She tried hiding her blush but failed beautifully.

"For what it’s worth, she seems very interesting," you shrugged. "I think she could be fun to get to know. Probably has a few embarrassing stories about you as a child."

Yelena gasped. "Don’t even think about it."

"Too late," you giggled, mentally marking that down as a subject for conversation. A brief silence passed over you two as you finished up with the dishes. Reaching the end of the chore, you said, "So, should I be on the lookout for any other siblings?"

Your girlfriend chuckled. "No," she admitted. "Natasha is it."

You let out a content hum in understanding. "One day we should have them all over."

"Them?"

"Yeah," you nodded, "your whole family. A nice, big family dinner. That could be exciting, right?"

Yelena rolled her eyes. Whether it was playful or not, you couldn’t quite tell. "That’s certainly one way to describe it."

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thebroccolination · 2 years ago

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missing your live reaction thread of Between Us on twt...

Thank you, Anon, sincerely. That really means a lot to me.

So, I erased Twitter off my phone a few days ago. I haven’t opened it on my computer since Thursday, I think? I don’t know when I’ll open it again. I think I need time away from it.

Nothing in particular happened. I’ve just been really unmotivated and discouraged by fic engagement in the last six months or so, and I never used to value that kind of thing, so I wondered if the amount of time I was spending on Twitter could be related. Sure enough, since I stopped opening the app, the urge to “compete” and the obsession with numbers and kudos and comments has been diminishing rapidly. I think I was spending too much time on Twitter and depending on it for serotonin boosts instead of dealing with general life stress in a more constructive way.

I felt really guilty about not continuing my live reaction thread. I’m doing it for myself as well as to connect with the fandom, to have a memory of this first experience, but having just sat on the sofa and watched it on TV without pausing to take screenshots on my computer was really, really nice. I’ve needed to take a step back, and I think Twitter’s fast-paced system has been consuming too much of how I measure my self-worth.

Writing WinTeam fic has been the greatest joy of the past nearly three years, and over the past month, I’ve started and discarded about ten fics because “what if they don’t get the same or higher amount of kudos as the last”. I can’t think like that or the joy of it will die, and I don’t want to think of this as a competition. Twitter’s algorithm-based system just…makes me feel competitive, and that bled over into AO3, too.

I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, and I don’t like making “I’m leaving/taking a break/hiatus” posts. I wasn’t planning on doing it. I just woke up and thought, “Maybe I should see if I feel differently if I don’t open it all day,” and then it continued until today, and I don’t really want to open it at the moment.

I’m honestly a lot happier here for the time being. I like the longer posts, I like talking about WinTeam, and I like not feeling the need to chase likes and retweets. I just want to vibe and have organic ideas come to me for WinTeam fics and to write them and share them without worrying about how many people will leave kudos or comments. I don’t know if Twitter was the culprit for all of that, but I do feel a lot calmer and more like myself right now than I have in a long time.

When I rewatch episode five next, I’ll make a li’l document of my reactions and upload them whenever I open Twitter next.

Once I feel less anxious and, like, scattered? then I’ll probably open it again.

Thank you again, Anon. This was definitely more than you were expecting, I’m sure. It makes me smile that someone missed the thread. :’)

#kiranokira answers

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boldlyvoid · 4 years ago

Text

Amethyst you so much

Summary: Spencer has had a crush on Y/N since she started working at the bau. She only ever works the night shift after a case, handling all the aftermath gracefully. one night, Spencer stays back and they strike up a conversation about rocks, causing their feelings to dig a little deeper.

Warnings: pure fluff, weed mention, hurt/comfort, grief and mourning

Word Count: 6.4K

Read on Ao3

Late nights at the office had become his thing since Gideon left.

He couldn’t bring himself to go home some nights without a game of chess, a cup of coffee, and the ambiance of the post case staff working. He would’ve had no idea about what goes on after they close a case if he didn’t stay behind most nights.

The phone rings almost every 10 minutes, and it’s always answered by the sweetest voice. The fax machine never turns off, and the most beautiful girl in the world is always running around placing papers in different places.

He’s been smitten with her since she started here, 2 years ago. Never seeing much of her since she was switched to the night shift, always wanting to just watch her from afar, never speaking to her unless he needed to.

“Yes, again we are so sorry for the door,” he can hear her voice from the back corner of the room. “Agent Morgan will be paying for that out of his paycheck, don’t worry, Mr. Kennings. We’ll be sure to remember your hotel when we’re in the area again. The FBI has a very generous budget for overnight cases. Of course, you have a good night too.”

She hung the phone up harshly and let out a deep sigh. He turned around to see her face in her arms, resting against the desk. She looked done, completely fed up. He would be too.

She looked up then, noticing that he was making eye contact with her. She awkwardly smiled and waved at him, “sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Spencer replied. “We asked for the key, I should have stopped him from kicking it in.”

She laughed then, walking over to his desk so she didn’t have to yell across the room. She sat on the corner of his desk lightly, “why do you stay every night?”

“Oh, um,” he wasn’t prepared for this. She had never talked to him before. She was barely able to even look at him when she used to place papers on his desk 2 years ago, now she was on his desk.

“I don’t like to bring the work home with me, it’s better to destress here before I go to my apartment,” he answered, half honestly.

She nodded slightly, “I get it. Luckily I go home in the mornings so the sun helps me feel better.”

“Going home in the dark isn’t fun,” she lightly smiled up at her.

“Do you want a coffee or anything?” She asked softly, “seeing as I am still your assistant as long as you’re here?”

He laughed lightly, “I would, but I’d like to join you in the staff room for it?”

“Okay,” she stood, straightening out her shirt as he stood as well.

He held the doors open for her, letting her walk out first, still smiling as she waited in the hall for him. Never being anything less than 1 foot from him for some reason, and he didn’t mind in the slightest.

“Do you like your job?” He asked lightly.

“Oh yeah,” she laughed. “It’s like customer service on crack. Have you ever had to explain to someone why you can’t pay for the cracked foundation after Agent Morgan’s ransacked a place?”

“I honestly never thought of who has to deal with the aftermath,” he awkwardly admitted to her. “I’m so sorry.”

She couldn’t stop laughing as they entered the kitchen, “it’s fine. I never have to apologize on your behalf, it’s everyone else who seems to be reckless. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I came along to babysit.”

“That would be helpful,” he smiled softly as she entered the staff room.

He watched as she took a new coffee filter out of the cupboard. Emptying the coffee pot with ease, rinsing everything before adding the water and scooping in the grounds. He was mesmerized by how fast she was able to do it, then again it was sort of her job.

“What mug would you like?” She turned to him with a smile that made his heart skip a beat.

“Um, the purple one, if it’s there?”

“You really like purple, huh?” She teased him, standing on her tippy-toes to reach the mug for him.

She placed it on the counter before grabbing a white mug, it had a bumblebee on it, “bee happy” written along the top. It was perfect for her.

“Purple is a stress-reducing colour,” she explained. “When I was a kid my parents painted my room purple so that I’d sleep better.”

“I’ve always been drawn to it.”

She leaned against the counter while the coffee pot started to percolate, “Probably because of your anxiety, coffee doesn’t help that.”

“It’s in my DNA to be like this,” he tried to joke, knowing he succeeded when her smile crept back onto her face.

He was on a mission to keep seeing it.

“For someone who spends a lot of time with dead bodies, creepy places and bad people, you sure are a mousy little thing aren’t you?” She teased him.

“I also love Halloween, go figure.” He’s not sure where the confidence came from, being able to make light-hearted jokes like this was only easy with the team.

Which she technically was a part of. He’s seen her almost every single day for 3 years, slowly being able to get comfortable enough for this very moment.

“What else are you into, outside of here?” She asked honestly, making his heart swell as no one else had ever asked him before.

“Lots of things,” he sighed. “I love to read, I’ll read anything. But mostly I enjoy far-off worlds. Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Sherlock mostly.”

“No supernatural?” She gasped. “Sacrilege, honestly. What kind of nerd are you if you don't support supperwholock?”

“That's the show with the monster hunting brothers right?” He tried to recall it to his mind.

She nodded with a pressed-lipped smile, “it’s bad but in a way where I can’t stop watching every Thursday, they just introduced an angel who is pretty gay. Star Trek is cool too, I guess, I was raised by Trekkies.”

“My mom was into Doctor Who.”

“Mamma’s boy,” she teased him slightly, returning her focus to the coffee as she poured the now finished brew into their mugs. “She was nice when she came in that one time, I made her a very sweet coffee just like yours.”

He reached for the sugar then, poring a generous amount into his mug with a grin, “how much do you like?”

“the same amount,” she couldn’t help but laugh. “I hate the taste of coffee, but it keeps me awake.”

He poured the sugar into her mug as she places a spoon in each. Allowing him to stir his own before picking it up finally. Holding the warm ceramic in his hands, it was almost as warm as the feeling in his chest when he looked at her.

He’s felt it for a long time. He’s been caught staring at her by Derek, JJ even tried to get him to give her his number. Which she already had for when she calls him into work in the middle of the night. They knew he had a crush, he did too. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

“Come to my desk, I want to show you something?” She asked softly, avoiding eye contact as she walked towards the door.

He followed, like a lost puppy, all the way back to her desk. It was always neat, he always looked at it when he made his way up the stairs to the briefing room. He could even see it from where he sat at the table sometimes. Always wanting to see her leave in the mornings.

She had a collection of rocks that always changed, he loved the blue one the most but it wasn’t there currently. She had all new ones since the last time he looked.

“Here,” she hands him one. It’s brown and gold, the colours moving and shifting as he turns it with his fingers. The gold running through it like a beautiful wave.

“what’s this for?”

“It’s a Tiger’s eye, for good luck and happiness,” she smiled. “Keep it at your desk and maybe it’ll be easier for you to relax when you come back?”

The butterflies in his chest were swirling then as she looked up at him with pleading eyes. Wanting him to take it, wanting him to feel better. Caring for him.

“Thank you,” he barely whispers, clearing his throat softly. “It’s very nice of you.”

“You’re always nice to me, so,” she shrugged.

They sat down then, he dragged his chair from his desk over to hers. Sitting in close as she explained all the meanings to her rocks. He listened carefully, getting to examine each one as she spoke.

“This one is Jade, it’s for balancing emotions and allowing compassion so I don’t scream at everyone on the phone,” she laughed as she placed one in his hands. Her fingers brushing his palm softly.

It was a beautiful green stone with a thin white line running through it, separating into 3 directions as he flipped it over, “it’s beautiful.”

“I know some people don’t believe in this stuff,” she started to get embarrassed as she placed them all back on the shelf. “But I’ve always thought; if the moon, which is just a rock, can control the water, and humans are 70% water, then who’s to tell me the moon cycles don’t control my emotions and these smaller rocks can’t help problem areas?”

“You’re not wrong,” he shook his head softly as he thought her words over. “People depended on the stars and planets for guidance originally, as well as rocks and herbs for healing, just because it’s outdated doesn’t mean it doesn’t work?”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “No one has ever agreed with me that easily.”

“Anytime you want to talk, I’ll just be over there,” he pointed at his desk. “And I’m a phone call away?” He swallowed sharply at his boldness, trying to stay calm as he awaited her answer.

“I do have your number,” she smiled, reaching out to place her hand on his. “But you should go home, I’m sure you’re chilled out now.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, staring at her hand as they touched. He lightly wrapped his hand around hers, holding it slightly, running his thumb over her knuckles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“And every day after,” she whispered, tilting her head as she smiled at him.

This was going to be interesting.

—

Penelope was always dragging him out. She would take him shopping, to dinner, to the movies. She was like his big sister, dedicated to making sure he wasn’t always cooped up or trying to retreat into a fantasy life.

She kept him busy.

She had 4 bags in her hands as they walked down the street, peering into the store windows to see what else she could possibly be interested in taking home for someone. That’s when they passed the natural health store.

He stopped in his tracks, seeing all the different rocks on the wall accompanies by little cards that described how they could help. He opened the door and rushed inside before Penelope even noticed he stopped following her.

“Good afternoon!” The shop owner called out to him. “How can I assist you today?”

“Um, the girl I like has a rock collection,” he says softly, knowing Penelope is behind him listening. “Crystals more specifically, I’d like to get her some?”

“Well, you came to the right place,” the man beams, escorting him to the wall of rocks. “What is she like?”

“Wonderful,” the words are carried out of his mouth on a sigh as he thinks about her. “She’s confident and nice, and caring. She’s always positive and just so lovely.”

“I’ve got you,” the man starts picking rocks off the wall and placing them in his hands.

Spencer follows him to the desk where he lays down a handful of rocks, Penelope is shockingly quiet as she stands beside him, staring at the collection. She’ll be full of questions later, all of which he is terrified of.

“This is a rose quartz, pretty basic love, beauty, anti-depression stone,” he pushes the pink and a green rock towards him. “Serpentine is for new adventures, observation and insight. I have a feeling you’re up for an adventure with her?”

Spencer nodded enthusiastically, “I like that one. It would be better to get her some rare ones, some that have to do with friendship, new beginnings, or opportunities?” He tried to explain his feelings as best as he could. Not knowing if he sounded dumb for a change.

The man smiled wide, “here,” he dipped below the counter and dug out a box. “Chrysocolla is literally for new beginnings, love and opportunity.”

He hands Spencer a vitreous, raw blue stone with small green marks running all through it, it’s beautiful like her. “This is perfect.”

“I’ll throw in a Kiwi Jasper as well, it’s for being by someone's side, support and trust. As well as a Ruby in Zoisite it symbolizes finding the joy in life with someone,” he hands Spencer two equally beautiful stones, prepping a bag and wrappings for all of them.

Spencer lays out the 5 stones he picked out, watching him wrap them with care before placing them in a bag. He rings everything up, Spencer pays and before he’s even out the door Penelope is pouncing on him for answers.

“Who?!”

He can't help but blush and stutter, trying to brush past her and continue walking down the street. “You can’t hide forever Spencer, who is she?”

“How do you know it’s a she?”

“You literally said so?” She looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Come on? I won't tell anyone!”

“Y/N.”

The gears are turning in Penelope's head as she tries to place a face to the name, knowing she’s seen her somewhere, “From the office?”

He nods softly, “the one Derek bullies me for staring at?” He clues her in more as they walk.

“He also bullies her for staring at you,” she adds with a smile. “She’s going to love those, when are you going to give them to her?”

“I was thinking about just leaving one on her desk every day? Maybe with a note for why I picked it?” He really wants to woo her, she’s too special to just flirt with.

“She’s going to love that.”

—

Sure enough, he walked into work every day for the next week, placing a rock on a sticky note on her desk. He was never around when she was able to see it, only knowing she got it when he'd arrive at work the next morning with a note reading 'thank you ♥︎ ' on top of his files.

He thinks about her all weekend, planning how he'll give her the last rock as he takes the elevator up that morning. Only to see her sitting at her desk, phone pressed to her ear as she tried to talk someone out of suing the FBI, she looked absolutely miserable. Just a casual Monday morning for her, almost at the end of her shift.

He rushed over to his desk, putting all his stuff down to dig one of the rocks from his satchel. Picking the Kiwi Jasper for today, he grabbed a pen and a sticky note and wrote her a little note.

“Always here if you need to talk, -Spencer ♥︎”

He walked over to her desk, she was still talking so she didn’t notice him until he was right there, she looked up at him with a thankful smile.

“Yes sir,” she answered the person talking to her. “Can I call you back after I speak to the chief? thanks.” She hung up on him, turning all her attention to Spencer.

“I know you know it's been me leaving these, but I brought you in another one,” he says softly, placing the rock in her hand and sticking the note to the shelf where it would end up.

“oh my gosh, Spencer?” She placed her free hand on her heart as she looked at the rock.

“You looked upset?”

She stands and pulls him into a hug, he can feel all the eyes on him as he holds her back, letting his chin rest on her shoulder as she squeezes him.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she pulled back, awkwardly smiling at him as she also noticed everyone staring.

“Always,” he smiled back, hand still resting on her arm. “Um, I have a case I need to get to.”

“Of course, good luck,” she smiled.

He pulls the tiger's eye out of his shirt pocket, showing her that he still had it, “kinda hard not to have good luck with this.”

She bit back a smile, her eyes gleaming as she took a deep breath through her nose. Releasing the same feelings he was keeping inside, allowing both their butterflies to swarm out together.

—

He loved when they had cases in Virginia. Being able to stay in the bullpen and work was relaxing, it was easier to think where he felt safe.

He was working on the geo profile all alone, a huge map stretched across a clear case board as he laid a yardstick across it. Drawing a thick red line with marker over it, in his own little world as he worked away.

He doesn’t realize she’s standing there too until she’s lightly pressing her hand on his back.

“Hey,” she whispers softly. “It’s 10 pm, thought you’d like a coffee?” She places the purple mug on his desk with her purse, turning her attention back to what he’s doing.

“Thank you, I’m almost done here,” he says softly, finishing the red triangle he was making on the map.

“I’ve always found it fascinating how you do this,” she complimented him. “You’re so careful.”

“Like baking, it’s an exact science,” he smiled softly.

It made her giggle slightly, placing her hand back on his back as she moved in closer to look. He wanted her to stay there forever, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus. He tried his best to steady his hand as he finished the line.

Putting the yardstick back down and turning to her, she doesn’t move her hand, instead, softly moving to rest on his arm as she stands close to him. “How are you?”

He feels nervous for some reason, it’s not like she hasn’t been this close to him before. It’s just that she’s close and she smells wonderful and he wonders if her lips would be a better wake-up call than the coffee she brought.

He realizes he’s staring at her lips when he licks his own, “I’m good,” he furrows his brow and clears his throat with a nod.

She smirks at him, “how come you’re the only one still here? Hotch said it could wait till tomorrow?”

“I was waiting for you,” he admits, “but I got carried away setting this up, I never heard you come in?”

“Cause I didn’t,” she scrunches her nose slightly as she straightens her stance. “I saw you working hard and went right to get you a coffee.”

“You’re wonderful,” he blushes as the words slip out, trying his best to keep eye contact when all he wants to do is kiss her.

She pats his arm slightly as she backs up a little, grabbing her bag from where she set it on his desk. “I’m going to set up for the night, come talk to me before you leave?”

“Of course,” he says as she walks away, letting out a small sigh as he realizes just how badly he wants her.

He never gets to talk to her before he leaves, she’s on the phone when hotch comes storming in. Saying something about another body and making Reid leave with him. He’s busy for 3 days straight, thinking about her with every free thought he’s able to squeeze in.

He carries the rock from her in his pocket everywhere he goes; in his pants beside his keys, in his bag with his books, in his breast pocket, over his heart, behind a bulletproof vest. Feeling it press against his chest, a part of her keeping him safe where ever he went.

They finish the case with minimal damage, Spencer specifically making sure that Derek leaves all the doors on the hinges for Y/N’s sake, cleaning up any messes they make so she won’t have to hear about it over the phone. They all notice that he’s doing it for her, quietly appreciating the fact that Spencer is happy for a change, that there’s a glimmer of hope in his eyes again.

He arrives back at Quantico 30 minutes before her shift starts. Everyone else is packing up for the day while he sits at his desk, reading to occupy the time before she comes in.

Only she doesn’t.

30 minutes pass and she’s nowhere to be seen, it’s only 9:02 by the time he starts to panic. Wondering if she’s okay, hoping she’s just in the elevator or grabbing a coffee that’s actually good, somewhere outside of the office.

“Reid,” he hears Hotch calling him from his office door. “She just called in, her grandmother passed away last night so she won't be in.”

“Oh,” he furrows his brow, looking at him with confusion. “How did you know?”

“Penelope,” he smiles. “She’s still here too, and she knows where Y/N lives.”

“It wouldn’t be weird to go see if she’s okay?”

Hotch just smiles at him again, “go see her, Reid.”

Getting her address from Penelope felt a little weird, but she writes it on a sticky note for him and he’s out the door before she can even pry into what he’s going to say. Which is good, because he doesn’t know yet.

It’s late, but he stops by the little rock store on his way to her house. Seeing the lights still on and the same man from before behind the counter.

“Welcome back,” he’s overly cheerful for it being so late. “How did she like them?”

“She likes the ones I’ve given her so far,” he smiles, looking over the wall himself this time for the right one.

Scanning past every emotion and affirmation known to man as he looked around, picking out a beautiful pink Rhodonite for healing grief, supposedly acting as a hug from emotional troubles. And a Rainbow Moonstone for inner peace, harmony and strength.

“She’s lost someone recently?” He asks as Spencer places them on the counter.

“Her grandmother,” he says softly. “These are good, right?”

“They’ll be perfect, we also have amethyst bracelets, they’re good for healing and drawing in positive energy,” he points towards the small display of bracelets. Small purple stones separated with small gold beads.

He picks up 2 of them, placing them on the counter as well.

“Is she still just a crush?”

Spencer laughs lightly, “unfortunately.”

“She might be more after this,” he smirks, ringing him up. “I’ll give you a 2 for one deal on everything, I have a feeling you’ll be in a lot.”

Spencer thanks him as he pays, picking out a small purple bag for the rocks and bracelet. Placing one on his own wrist before leaving. Also picking up some cookie dough ice cream and a card at the corner store just beside her apartment. Remembering all the times Penelope, JJ or Emily has mentioned it being the best ice cream for crying.

He takes a very deep breath before knocking on her door, hoping to every god out there that she doesn’t find this incredibly inappropriate and weird.

“Spencer?” He hears her voice before she even opens the door, looking out the peephole at him.

She whips the door open, eyes puffy and swollen as she looks at him in shock. She’s in a big sweater and shorts, tears dripping down her cheeks as she shakes her head at him.

“I thought you could use some cheering up?” He awkwardly smiles, holding the ice cream up for her to see.

She wraps her arms around his middle, burying her face against his coat. Still crying as she holds him, he holds her with his free hand, shushing her as he presses his cheek to her head.

She pulls back with a sniffle, “come in,” she offers with an arm out, ushering him inside the small room as she closes the door.

He takes his shoes off, handing her the ice cream so he can take off his coat and satchel too. “This isn’t weird right?”

“Not at all,” she laughs slightly through the awkwardness. “You don’t know how much it means to me that you care this much.”

“I brought something for you,” he says as he struggles to dig everything out of his pocket.

He hands her the card and the little purple bag, seeing the overwhelming glance grow on her face. Her eyes grew wide as he mouth opened, speechless.

She opened the card first, reading the passage about grief that was already provided. Dealing with grief was something Spencer knew too well, adding something a little special to the bottom of the card.

“To live in hearts we left behind is not to die,” -Thomas Campbell. As long as you remember her, with a smile on your face and love in your heart, she will always be with you ♥︎ Spencer

She wipes her tears with her forearm, placing the card on the counter beside the ice cream before she opens the bag. She pulls out the bracelet first, absolute shock on her face.

“Spencer?” Is all she can say, in a high squeak as she shakes her head at him.

“I didn’t want you to be sad,” he says softly, stepping into her space and placing a hand on her arm. “I love seeing you smile, and I thought this could help.

He takes the bracelet from her grasp and places it over her hand. Resting it on her wrist softly, straightening it out against her sweater as she notices the matching on over his shirt sleeve.

“Oh this is so cute,” she swoons. “thank you, really Spencer.”

“And there are some rocks for grief healing in there too, one is supposedly like an emotional hug which should heal the grief and sorrow, and the other is more for inner peace and harmony,” he rambles away, not wanting her to miss anything.

She pours the rocks from the bag, into her hand, looking them over silently with a smile, “they’ll look great on my desk.”

“The purple looks nice on you too,” he compliments her, watching her eyes drift up to him.

She places the rocks on the counter before wrapping her arms around him once more. This time he’s able to actually hold her back, tight as possible as he rubs his hand over her back.

She smells like home, clean laundry and happiness. She’s soft and warm, he holds her perfectly against his chest, like she was a missing puzzle piece that someone finally found under the table, she fits into his life like she was supposed to be there.

She kisses his cheek softly before she pulls back, causing him to pull her into a real kiss on impulse. Connecting their lips as she sighs into the contact, melting into his grasp as she kisses him back.

Her lips are soft, fitting between his own gently as she breathes him in. Her hands reach up to grip his cheeks, kissing him again and again, placing pecks to his lips and cheeks with her eyes closed as he giggles.

“Thank you,” she whispers against his lips, “for everything.”

“I’d do anything for you,” he whispers back, kissing her one last time before she pulls away.

“I was actually about to smoke some weed on the fire escape and probably cry some more,” she laughs lightly. “would you like to join me?”

“I’ll stick with a bowl of ice cream,” he smiled awkwardly.

“Nice one,” she laughs as she opens the ice cream.

“What?”

“Oh, you didn’t even get the reference you made,” she laughs lightly, “to get high you smoke a bowl, so…”

It makes him smile, “I'm a comedian part-time.”

He makes her laugh again, loving the sound of her giggle replacing the tears. “Why aren’t you this funny at work?”

He thinks about it for a little, watching her scoop the ice cream into two bowls, “it’s a little hard to make jokes when people's lives are on the line, I know everyone else does but I get too focused.”

“They probably wouldn’t appreciate your jokes even if you did make them,” she says as she handed him a bowl with a spoon. “They’re kind of mean to you, in a family way but it still sucks sometimes to overhear.”

She walks into the living area then, grabbing a few blankets and opening the window to the fire escape. Crawling out to sit on the ledge, waiting for him.

“I don’t mind it,” he says as he finally sits down beside her.

She places the blanket over their laps, both of them sitting criss-cross applesauce as they ate.

“Do you like your job?” She asks him, just like he once asked her.

“Most of the time,” he nodded as he got brain freeze. The cold air, the cold ice cream, everything that was catching up to him as he scrunched his face up at the feeling.

She laughs at him only a bit before she’s also attacked by the brain freeze, holding the vein in her neck as she chokes out another laugh, trying to warm up the blood going to her head so the pain would stop.

They’re both just a mess of giggles together, unable to say any words as they let it all out. She leans her head on his shoulder lightly as they calm down to just soft chuckles. He presses his cheek against her head.

“Thank you, Spencer,” it sounds like she’s crying a bit. “My grandma was a lovely woman, she’d be glad I’m laughing right now.”

He reached out a hand for her to hold over the blanket. She interlocked their fingers softly, both cold from holding their ice cream bowls.

“If she was anything like you, I’m sure she was the most wonderful woman,” he says softly, not intending to make her cry but having a feeling he might.

“Would you be interested in holding me on the couch while I cry?” She asked softly, tears in her eyes as she looked up at him.

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

—

He’s late for work the next morning.

Waking up to the smell of coffee, opening his eyes to a strange view. He’s on a couch he doesn’t recognize in a room he doesn’t know too well.

Then he remembers, they ended up cuddled up on the couch. He wakes up to the memory of her on his chest, crying softly as they listened to some music, he ran his hand over her back while she went through it all, blessed to have his support.

He fell asleep under her at some point, waking up alone with a blanket laid over him. He sat up to see her in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a travel mug.

“Good, you’re awake,” she smiles at him. “Coffee is ready, I uh, I have this button-up shirt from a guy friend, if you wanted to wear that to work today? So they don’t think you stayed here?”

“That’s smart,” he replies as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

Getting up, he uses the bathroom, changes and takes that coffee from her. He’s not expecting her to kiss him on the lips at the door, but she sends him off to work like an old housewife.

He doesn’t want to pull away from her, keeping her pressed against him as he leans in for 4 more kisses before she finally pushes him out into the hallway with a laugh, “get to work!”

“Fine,” he sighs, “are you going to be in tonight?”

“Yeah,” she smiles, “funeral is in West Virginia next week, so I’ll be in until then.”

“I’ll see you later?”

She nods slightly with a soft smile, “you’ll be seeing a lot of me soon, Spencer.”

“Good,” he winks at her before heading down the hallway and towards the street entrance.

He sighs as he walks outside, resting his back against the apartment complex door, taking a moment to think about everything that just happened, the night of company and the wonderful send-off.

It was something he could get used to.

He rushes into the briefing room when he arrives at Quantico, sitting down with his coffee and pretending he wasn’t late. Listening carefully to JJ’s presentation of the case as he flips through everything he missed already.

“Wheels up in 30,” he heard Hotch say as he zoned back in. “Nice of you to join us, Reid.”

“I know that travel mug from somewhere,” Derek said as he stared at Spencer, who was taking a sip to avoid the awkwardness.

“Hmm?” He played dumb.

“That’s Y/N’s. She washes it every morning when she leaves to go home, I see her do it every morning,” his eyes open wide. “Holy shit.”

“Isn’t that the same tie and slacks from yesterday?” Emily teased him as well.

“Her grandma died, I brought her ice cream and slept on the couch okay?” He all but yelled, flailing his arms slightly so they’d all back off.

Derek reached his fist out for him to pound it, “good man.”

Then Penelope noticed the bracelet, “did she get you that?”

He sunk his hand into his pocket then, “no.”

“What?” Emily and JJ asked in unison, straining their necks to try and get a good look at what she was talking about.

He nervously held his arm out for them, showing them the purple bracelet resting over the sleeve of his shirt. “I got one for her too, it’s for healing and peace. It’s what she needs right now.”

“Oh, so you love her,” Derek smiles as he teases him. Making everyone else in the room swoon slightly.

“Okay and?”

“Oh my god!” Most of them shout at him, embarrassing him to no end. He was so glad she wasn’t at work this morning or else she would be able to hear this from her desk.

“Did you kiss her?” Rossi pries, asking what everyone else was thinking.

He scrunches his face, pushing his glasses up slightly as he clears his throat, “a few times.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” JJ kept the questions coming.

“Not yet,” he said softly. “Kinda weird to walk into her apartment while she cries to say ‘hey sorry about the death in your family, want to date me?’”

“Yeah,” Emily agrees, shrugging lightly. “At least she knows you like her now, it’s been what? 2 years?”

“2 years, 3 months, 17 days and 43 minutes,” he confirms with a small nod and pressed lips.

“Gross,” Derek teases him.

“The plane is leaving in 10 minutes,” Hotch cut into their fun.

Making them all gather their things and continue the interrogation in the elevator, and eventually on the plane, and in the police precinct. Even Penelope called him in the middle of everything to bug him about her.

The questions were never-ending, everyone wanted to know how they even started talking, who made the first move, how he plans to ask her out. They were relentless, he almost regretted admitting to anything.

They bug him all throughout the day, all the way until they’re arriving back at the BAU late that same night. He almost doesn’t want to go back to the bullpen and see her with all of them, knowing they were going to follow and say something.

She’s waiting in the hall when the elevator doors open, a pressed-lipped smile on her face, “bad news.”

“Another one?” Hotch sighs, “have Garcia send us the info. Be at the table in 10.” He pushes his way out of the elevator, passed them all as they stare at Y/N.

“Hi?” She awkwardly waves at them all, showing off the bracelet on her wrist.

“See ya, Spence,” JJ and Emily say as they matt his shoulder, dragging Derek and Rossi towards the bullpen doors.

“Sorry,” he apologizes for them softly, stepping into her space.

She wraps him up in a quick hug, keeping one arm around his waist as she guides him towards the bullpen, “it’s fine, they’re going to have to get used to us being together.”

“Together?” He repeats her words.

“I only cry on my boyfriend's shoulders, if you're up for the title?” She teases him softly, pinching his side as they walk towards the doors.

“Can I frame “Dr. Spencer Reid, Y/N’s boyfriend” beside my Ph.D.’s?” He keeps his hand on her shoulder, holding each other slightly as they walk towards her desk. He felt like one of those kids who wouldn’t let go of their girlfriend's hand in the school hallway, attached to her at the hip.

“I’ll make one for you while you’re gone,” she laughs lightly.

They stop at her desk where he sees all rocks he got her collecting on the shelf, as well as a cup of coffee and his favourite kind of donut.

“Thought you deserved something nice too,” she says as she nudges his side.

He kisses her on the cheek as a thank you, “you’re welcome,” she smiles to herself. A feeling of pride growing in both their chests.

“See you later?” He asks as he picks up the coffee and donut, walking away slowly as she smiles at him.

“Come home to me safely, Doctor Reid,” her voice is just loud enough for everyone in the briefing room, where everyone is waiting at the window, watching them, deciding to put on a show in return.

He stops on the steps to look at her softly, “I’d fight a thousand unsubs to come home to you.”

“I’ll leave the light on,” she blows a kiss at him, making him blush a deep red.

He waves, making his way up the steps and into the briefing room. A smile on his face, heart thumping in his chest, all the support in the world swarming around him as everyone patted him on the back.

That tiger’s eye really did bring him good luck and happiness, and her name was Y/N.

#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid request #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #one shot #fluff

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stargazer-sims · 2 years ago

Text

Journal Entry #46 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #45

Yuri

Victor came home on Thursday afternoon.

In a plot twist that I should've seen coming, I was left to cope with Victor's hospital discharge alone. My father, who'd insisted on staying with me since the previous Friday night, suddenly declared on Thursday morning at breakfast that he was going back to his house.

For all his talk about how important I am to him and how he felt uncomfortable with me being by myself, I saw that I was once again lower than everybody else on his list of priorities. Even Koichi, his personal assistant and Yuki's de facto babysitter, apparently rates higher than me. It was a call from Koichi that sent him scurrying back down to the valley. I don't know what it was about, but whatever it was, it obviously rated higher than me and Victor. It was probably some business emergency, because clearly the threat of losing money is always more urgent than consistently supporting his son.

As angry as I was about him leaving at the precise moment I needed him most, that wasn't my only emotion. There was some measure of relief mixed in with my anger, as contradictory as that sounds. Our week together had been tense. It was as if we'd been performing some sort of complex dance on a floor made of glass. One misstep by either of us, and the whole fragile foundation would shatter and damage us both.

I don't know if I could've handled more of that and the stress of caring for Victor too. Besides, Victor would never have tolerated Papa's presence, and perhaps he knew that as well. Maybe his abrupt exit was for the best, notwithstanding how confusing and hurtful it felt to me.

I hate that my relationship with my father is so fraught. I wish we could be more like my friends and their parents. Takahiro can go to his father and mother about anything without worrying about being criticized or judged. Seiji is so close with his parents that all three of them cried when he moved out to a house less than a kilometer away, and Mr. Hinamori kept saying how proud he was of Seiji's newfound independence. My father, in contrast, tried to stop me from moving out by telling me I was too weak and frail to live alone, but then didn't even help me put my suitcases in my car on the day I left. Recently, he barely batted an eyelash when I told him I'm considering immigrating to Canada.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. Most of what Papa does for me, when he does anything at all, seems to be performative, like he's doing it because he's my father and certain things are expected. But then, there are times when I almost believe his concern is real, like last Friday night when he came back to the hospital to check on Victor and me and offered to drive me home. I'll probably never discover the truth, though. I've already resigned myself to that.

But, I was telling you about Victor, wasn't I?

Unfortunately, I'd been living under the false expectation that once Victor was home again, everything would somehow be okay. I thought maybe, once he was in a familiar place, he'd be less depressed and scared, and he'd start to feel more confident about trying to do a few small things for himself. At the very least, I'd hoped that he would be able to walk from the sitting room to the bathroom by himself, even if he did need my help while he was in there.

Needless to tell you, every assumption I made was wrong.

I had absolutely no clue how dependent Victor would be, and how difficult and exhausting it would be to have him home. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad he's out of the hospital, but I was utterly unprepared for it. It's only Saturday, and our current reality is already starting to take a toll on me. Fortunately, Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian are here to help us now, but that's a whole story on its own, and I'll come back to it later.

As Dr. Sato had foreshadowed earlier in the week, she sent Victor home in a wheelchair. After a round of neurological, orthopaedic and motor function tests that took up a good chunk of the day on Wednesday, all the doctors and technicians agreed that there was no physical reason why he shouldn't be able to walk. It was the psychologist that assessed him on Thursday morning who officially reported what I, and probably everybody else, had known since Sunday. The problem is in his head, but in a part of his brain that the doctors couldn't see with their various scans. The issue is a purely conceptual one. In short, Victor can't walk because he's convinced himself that he can't.

I'll admit, I hadn't been thrilled about the wheelchair when Dr. Sato first mentioned it. For his part, Victor hadn't seemed to care one way or the other, and barely reacted when I rolled him out of the hospital in it.

We must've been a sight, making our way across the hospital parking lot with Victor slumped in his wheelchair and huddled in a blanket like a disaster survivor, and me struggling with the unfamiliar task of pushing him. He'd outright refused to wear his competition jacket, and I hadn't brought another coat for him since I incorrectly guessed he'd wear the one he already had with him. It was a bitterly cold day and I couldn't take him outside without something to protect him from the elements, so I'd had to go out to the car and collect the big red fleece blanket we usually keep in the back seat to wrap him in. The end result was that it looked like I was kidnapping a homeless person. It was something Victor and I might normally have laughed about, but at that moment, nobody was in the mood for laughing.

Despite my initial misgivings about the wheelchair, I'm grateful for it now. I'd never be able to get Victor from one room to another without it.

We were limited to the downstairs portion of the house for the remainder of Thursday and all of yesterday. The wheelchair was of no use on the stairs, and I realized fairly quickly that I lacked both the skill and the physical strength to help Victor up to his bedroom, so he spent Thursday night on one of the sofas in the sitting room. I occupied the other one. I would've liked to be in my bed, but I decided I'd better stay close to Victor, in case he needed anything in the night.

As it turned out, my instincts were good. He needed quite a lot during the night, and neither one of us got much sleep because of it.

One of the side effects of the pain medication Dr. Sato prescribed for him is abdominal discomfort and nausea, and that was the main reason our rest was interrupted. He had almost nothing in his stomach due to his continued refusal to eat, but that didn't prevent him from repeatedly heaving into the bin I'd brought down from the upstairs bathroom as if there actually was something his body needed to expel. I'm sure you can imagine how much pain that caused him, especially with his cracked rib, and it led to bouts of heart-wrenching tears which I felt inadequate to soothe, although I tried my best.

The thing with many painkillers is that they don't eliminate the most severe pain. They dull it enough to make you reasonably comfortable and more or less functional, presuming you don't do anything to exacerbate it in the meantime. Something like throwing up multiple times when you have a rib fracture, for example.

The cruel irony of the situation, I knew, was that Victor wouldn't have been so sick if only he would eat. I had that same pain medication once, and my stomach had been so upset that I thought the meds were making the symptoms of my illness worse instead of better, until Victor read the instruction sheet that came with them and pointed out to me that they were supposed to be taken with food. After much comforting and coaxing, he got me to eat a bowl of yogurt and fruit half an hour or so before my next dose, and the difference it made was remarkable.

I was sure Victor must've been starving, but no amount of pleading seemed sufficient to persuade him to eat, Normally, he loves food and eats enough to make my belly sore just watching him, but the most I could get him to consume on Thursday was half of a cut-up apple and a few spoonfuls of sweet rice.

He didn't want me to feed him and he said he couldn't manage it by himself, and at that point we didn't have any other options. I was desperately afraid he'd become dehydrated, which would've opened up a whole new set of problems, but luckily he's able and willing to hold his water bottle between both hands, so at least he can drink on his own.

Around two in the morning, he finally fell asleep, only to wake up again about an hour later, literally screaming. I have to tell you, I've never heard a sound like that come out of a human in real life before. It was like something you might expect in a horror movie. I think I'd been on the threshold of drifting off, but all traces of sleep instantly vanished when I heard Victor making that noise.

I nearly tumbled onto the floor in my haste to get to him. He'd turned over in his sleep so he was facing the back of the sofa, and he was thrashing against it with his left hand and arm with enough force that I was certain he'd get injured even more seriously than he already was.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to touch him, in case he accidentally struck me with his flailing arm, but I didn't not want to touch him either. I needed to find out what was wrong, and help him if I could, or get help if I couldn't.

"Victor!" I exclaimed, too frightened and breathless to get out much of anything else.

"Get it off me!" His voice sounded even more strained and terrified than mine. "I can't move!"

I said his name again, perhaps a little louder and more urgently. Swallowing my fear, I caught him by the shoulder and used all my strength to pull him toward me. I succeeded in rolling him over, and he flopped onto his back with an inarticulate sound of distress. His eyes were wild, and he was gasping so hard that I was worried he might stop breathing.

"Victor, what's wrong?" I cried, too overwhelmed to be calm. "What can I do?"

He didn't answer straight away, which in hindsight is unsurprising. It took him several seconds to get his breathing under control enough to speak.

When he finally recovered his voice, he said shakily. "I... I lost control on a turn."

"I know," I said. "Were you dreaming about that?"

"Y-yeah." He gulped air. "Did I wake you?"

"No," I assured him, not exactly glad he'd been having a nightmare, but infinitely grateful it wasn't something more serious. "I was still awake. It's all right."

"It felt real, like it was happening again."

"You're safe now," I said, as I knelt beside the sofa. "Are you okay? Is there anything you need?"

"Just stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," he said. He lay there for several seconds with his eyes closed, breathing slowly and deliberately. When he finally opened his eyes and turned his head toward me, his expression looked calmer but his eyes were no less haunted. "I flipped over. I don't know how many times. Then I knew I was gonna crash into the gate and there was nothing I could do. I didn't mean to put my arms out, but I panicked."

"It must've happened fast," I said. "You wouldn't have had much time to react."

"Everything went black," he whispered. "I thought I was yelling, but I couldn't hear myself."

"Takeshi said you were yelling in the first few seconds after it happened," I confirmed. "He said you lost consciousness almost immediately after that, though."

"When I woke up, I realized I was tied down and I was in the ambulance with Takeshi and some woman, and I couldn't move," he said. "I know they had to, 'cause they didn’t want me to fall off, but I didn't like it.”

“Off the rescue board, you mean?”

“I didn't remember any of this stuff before, but now I do," he said. "I wanted to tell Takeshi I didn't like it. I couldn't move, and I thought I was paralyzed, and I kept trying to tell Takeshi I couldn't see, but... but I couldn't make any words come out, and..." He raised a hand in what I guessed was an attempt to cover his face, and let out a little sob when his cast came in contact with his skin. "I hate this. I wish I still didn't remember."

"I'm sorry," I said, because I was at a complete loss as to how else I should respond.

"I just want to go to sleep and not dream about anything," he said. "I want to go to sleep and... that's it. Not dream, and maybe not even wake up ever again, 'cause this is a nightmare too."

"Please don't say that,” I said.

“Why? It’s how I feel. It is a nightmare. I don’t want to live like this.”

"You're not going to have casts on your arms forever."

"I'm not talking about my arms," he said.

"I don't know what I'd do without you. What would I do if you went to sleep and never woke up?"

"You wouldn't have to deal with me any more.”

I bit my lip, mostly in an effort to distract myself from the ache in the center of my chest. Hearing him talk like that was painful, not just because a future without him would be devastating to me, but because I couldn’t bear the thought of him believing his life was suddenly worth nothing and that I’d be better off without him.

“I don’t want you to go to sleep and never wake up,” I told him.

His reply was, “I don’t want you to suffer because of me.”

I reached out to touch his fingers, but he whimpered and jerked his arm away from mine. I wasn’t sure if I’d hurt him, or if he simply couldn’t handle the physical contact.

Lowering my hand to my lap, I sighed. "How can I make you understand? None of this is easy or fun for me, but I promised I'd be with you for better or worse, and I don't intend to break that promise. Maybe that means I’m going to suffer a bit, but I’m not about to walk away just because things aren’t the way they used to be.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I won’t,” I said.

"I don't want you to take care of me.”

"I know you don't," I acknowledged. "But, you haven't got much choice until your mother and stepfather get here, have you?"

It was his turn to sigh. "I guess not."

"What I need to understand is why you don't want me to help you," I said. "What can your mother do for you that I can't?"

I don't know what I expected, but his next words weren't it. He began to cry, and told me, "I've already complicated your life enough because I’m stupid. I don't want to make it worse."

"You’re not stupid.”

"All of this… It's my fault."

"I've told you a dozen times already, it's not your fault,” I said. “If anybody should take the blame, it's me. If I'd been there—”

"It would've been the same thing," he said. "If you were there, you would've been thinking about your job the whole time, so it wouldn't have mattered. It's my own fault because I was angry and upset, and I knew it was making me too unfocused to compete, but I did it anyway."

"You wouldn't have been so upset if it weren't for me."

"Maybe not, but if I wasn't so dumb and immature, maybe I would’ve just gotten over it instead of sulking about it. Or maybe I would've backed out of the competition. But I stayed in it because I wanted to prove I could do it, with or without you there. I know it makes no sense, but I wanted you to be proud of me if I won, and at the same time I wanted you to be sorry you missed it."

"I am sorry I wasn't there," I said. "And I'm always proud of you, regardless of whether you win snowboarding competitions or not."

"None of it matters now, anyway," he said.

"Of course it does. I still love you and I'm still proud of you."

"For what? I'm never going to compete again. I can't travel or go to university or do any of the other stuff I was gonna do, and I can't look after you the way you need me to. My whole future... my whole life is just... gone."

"Not your whole life," I said. "You still have me."

"But, why?" he asked. "I'm no use to you like this."

"Do you think you have to be useful for me to love you? Do you think I'm only with you for what I can get out of it? If that's what you think, then maybe you are stupid after all.”

I regretted that last sentence the second it eft my mouth. Tiredness and frustration had erased all my filters, and without pause for consideration, I'd given voice to exactly what had been in my mind.

I don't actually think Victor is stupid, but I can't deny that I was starting to wonder what was going through his head. It was as if he was still questioning my love and devotion, and if anything he'd said or done over the past week hurt me, that certainly did.

The effect of what I'd said was to make Victor cry even harder than he already had been doing. "I'm sorry," he said, his words barely audible through his tears. "I... I don't think that. It's just... I promised I'd always protect you, and... and now I'm failing at it."

"Yes, you are right now," I agreed, "but not in the way you think you are."

"What?" He sniffled loudly, and he looked as if he was about to swipe his hand across his face, but only stopped himself at the last moment. With a grunt of frustration, he observed. "I have to wipe my damn nose, and I can't."

"Let me help you with that," I said.

He made an unhappy noise, but didn't protest any more strenuously. "Okay."

It took some effort to sit him up, but once he was upright, I fetched the box of tissues from the table and used a few to dry his eyes and wipe his face. Holding a few more under his nostrils, I gently encouraged him to blow his nose, just like I'd seen my mother do with Yuki when she was a toddler. I was a mildly shocked when he actually did it, and even more so that I didn’t flinch at the warm dampness that leaked over the edge of the tissue and onto my fingers.

I could hardly believe I was doing such a thing and wasn't even put off by it. Under normal circumstances, I'd find anything to do with bodily functions disgusting, but miraculously, I was managing intimate tasks like face wiping, nose blowing and bathroom assistance with only minimal squeamishness. I've astounded myself by discovering this hidden ability, honestly.

Once Victor was sufficiently tidied up and I’d thoroughly washed my hands at the kitchen sink, I came back to the sitting room and climbed onto the sofa with him. He didn't exactly crawl onto my lap, but I helped him arrange his limbs so that his legs formed a bridge across mine and his arms were tucked against my chest. He was curled up enough that he was able to rest his head on my shoulder. I reached up to pet his hair.

"Comfortable?" I asked, although in that position, I couldn’t imagine he was.

"As I can be," he said. "What'd you mean before?"

"You said you're failing at protecting me," I said.

"Yeah."

"And you think that means...?"

"You know. Taking care of you. Making sure you're happy and safe, and that you have everything you need. Making sure you don't get hurt."

"And you have to be strong and tough to do all that, right?" I said. "Not show any signs of weakness?"

"Yeah," he said.

"What if I told you that trying to prove how strong you are is actually hurting me more than helping me?"

He sounded perplexed. "How?"

"Remember when we were staying at the hotel in Kyoto? I told you then that I wanted to take care of you the way you take care of me," I said. "I didn't necessarily mean like this, although this is part of it too. The main goal was to stop making everything about me, and consider your needs more, All your needs, not just physical things. And you said you liked the sound of that, remember?"

"It sounded good, but I didn't think you meant it," he admitted. "Not that you were lying to me or something, but like, how can you not make it all about you when you just... need so much?"

"Relationships aren't supposed to be one-sided, Victor. I think we should both understand that by now, don't you? Just because it looks like I need a lot, that doesn't mean you don't need anything or that I’m incapable of giving you what you need.”

"It didn't bother me that much," he said. "I didn't really mind if it was all about you."

"But, it can't be all about me. That's the point I'm trying to make. It's not fair, and it's not practical, particularly right now."

"I guess."

"You might have thought I didn't mean it, but I did," I said. "I do, and you know, the fact that you don't seem to trust me to take care of you really hurts."

"I trust you," he insisted, although his tone seemed to lack conviction.

"Do you?" I countered. "Because that's not what it looks like from where I'm sitting. Did you ever consider that I need to feel like an equal partner in this relationship? I love how much energy you put into looking after me, but what I don't love is being shut down when I try to give even a tiny bit of nurturing back to you. If you're failing me in any way, it's that."

He was silent for a while, but then he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Let me take care of you," I said.

"But, you can't—" he began

"I want to, and I certainly can. Let me have the chance to prove it."

There was another, longer stretch of silence, and then a pitiful, "It's hard."

He didn't elaborate, but I understood. It's hard not being the strong one. It's hard to switch roles in a relationship. It's hard to give up control.

"I know, love," I said. "I know it's hard for you, but I think we'd both feel better if you tried."

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #snowy escape #Victor Nelson #Yuri Okamoto #tw suicide mention #tw suicidal ideation #tw accident #tw injury #tw vomiting #stargazersims #victorsworldadventures

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jodilin65 · 11 years ago

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SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2013 Before we take off for Home Depot, Target and the pet store for more bedding for the rats, I’m sitting here wondering if tonight will be the last night we ever sleep in this little old trailer. I hope so! They’ve now decided it’s to be 111° in Citrus Heights on Monday. That’d call for one hot move, but it's worth it to move into what will be our home for the next 15 years at the very least. We’re hoping to get the keys by early afternoon tomorrow. Absolute worst-case scenario (since they have the paperwork marked till the 3rd at the latest) is that we move after work on Wednesday. We don’t want to move on Thursday cuz that’s when the parade is going on.

For now, there’s not much else to do other than tie up loose ends and keep on waiting. Just remember that if you’re a friend that I regularly keep in touch with, it could be a few days before I have a chance to get back to you or pick up email and things like that. We should be online pretty much right away, but we expect to be busy settling in and getting to know the place. So just be patient! I won’t forget about you.

Later…

Went out to look at things at Home Depot and get ideas for shades for the bedroom and other things like locks/knobs, ceiling fans for the bedroom, flooring, carpet, etc.

Then we went to the pet store for bedding, but it wasn’t open so we got some from Target, which was our next stop. We got a couple of days of groceries and some more storage bins in 3 different sizes to pack the final odds and ends in. Love the clear ones so we can see what’s in each one without having to not only open them up but also dig through them to see what’s toward the bottom.

Brought in some packing peanuts we had in the shed to pack things like my delicate all-porcelain ballerinas, and next, I’ll clean the smaller cage in the tub, then hose down the big cage. We felt it’d be easier to move them to the smaller cage, even though these humongous rats probably won’t like being stuck in it for a few days. I’ll let them run around loose for exercise like I usually do anyway.

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2013 I’m amazed at how many questions I’m still getting on Ask. A few questions, particularly the one about wondering what’s the point of living, and whether or not to confront a friend who wrote that they’re lazy and whiny, seems Aly-ish, but I’m not going to ask her. I figure if it was her and if she wanted to identify herself, she would have.

Anyway, sure enough, we’ve had some delays and now we won’t be getting the fucking keys to our new house till next week. We’re waiting on documents that have been overnighted and need signing, and Brenda has some disclosure forms for us to sign. We don’t know what, though, since we already signed those (no one died there).

Is this where things start going wrong? I asked myself yesterday. Then when we finally do get in does God set the stage for enough things to break to drain our savings, then have him laid off so we can struggle really badly and maybe even lose the place? Well, we’ve got a 1-year warranty for even things as small as a drippy pipe/faucet, and seeing that business is always booming where he works and they just asked him to start a new job there that pays more, I think we’ll be ok. Can’t guarantee that I’ll get as much sleep and peace there as I’d like, but we’ll soon find out.

Our monthly expenses should come to around $1200 a month excluding gas and food. Once the place is paid off, it should be closer to around $900. We now owe 19 grand on the loan. How fast we pay that off will depend on OT, what money I make online, and what I can win.

Escrow has been signed and closed and Brenda took the sellers to do their signing, too. Everything must be precisely worded and in order. Many people refer to these types of homes as trailers or mobile homes and that’s technically incorrect. The correct terms are manufactured homes or modular homes, which are built like on-site homes and don’t have taillights and whatnot on them like the trailer we’re in now does. It’s been taken off its wheels and its steel frame sits on concrete blocks, but this is still a definite trailer. It would blow away in a heartbeat once the first monsoon storm hit the area if it were on our old land in Maricopa, as opposed to the 42,000-pound manufactured home we had on it.

I think they were also confused at first cuz they asked if our new home had already been set up and strapped down (those 3’ screws I already explained). Well, our home isn’t strapped, it’s grounded, but trust me when I say that on the windiest day of all, she ain’t going anywhere.

When it’s super windy here you can feel this place shudder. Arizona would toss this old heap of shit around like it was a toy.

The good thing is that the escrow people will pay for any days after the first that we’re not in our new home. We were also able to cancel the U-Haul without being charged and decided we’ll just spontaneously grab one on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. It sucks that we couldn’t start bringing shit over there (particularly bulky and breakable stuff) over the weekend, but going out of here in one big sweep isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just harder to move from a small place. We’re practically climbing over shit here. There’s no rain in the forecast, so we might move some stuff out onto the porch that’s sealed up in plastic containers.

So it’s just an annoying waiting game we have to play as we’ll be pretty much grounded all weekend, unable to do much but maybe go through the shed and sort through some more things out there and try to organize shit overall as best we can with what little space we have to do it in. I really want to just get the hell over there so we can have fun setting up and enjoying being back on cable for the first time since 2007! Then I can move on to new worries and wonder if I’ll be able to sleep well there and if there’ll be more daytime distractions than I’d like for when I’m up and about. Now would be the perfect time to dive into their pool, but no, we gotta be stuck here over the weekend. I’m dying to dive into their fitness room too, and take advantage of most of their amenities.

It’s to be 105° up here on Monday and 110° where we’re moving to. I hope Nane isn’t back from Spain yet seeing that it’s 55° and raining today in Munich, LOL.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2013 Today’s Tom’s 56th birthday and hopefully it will be celebrated by getting the keys to our new house. If worse comes to absolute worse, we get the keys on Monday and we move out in one clean sweep instead of making half a dozen or so runs over the weekend before renting the truck for the big stuff on Monday as planned.

Damn! Just damn! I never thought this day would come. For years I told myself it would never happen because that’s what I truly believed. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

Anyway, I’m glad I took Tom’s advice and slept a little later. I needed it. I was all wound up from the excitement and had trouble falling asleep. Besides, what good would getting up really early do us when nothing’s open then and we can’t do anything anyway? Tom woke up early cuz he too, is super excited.

Even if we get the keys today, we probably won’t be sleeping at the new place till tomorrow night at the earliest.

Right now we’re changing addresses on some of our online accounts, but I won’t change my town on Facebook till we actually get to it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2013 Tom’s looking at a new job at work that will call for less OT and more money, but that’s all I can say about that right now. Other than that the hours will be more stable and it involves working more on computers than overseeing warehouse activities.

The only thing I’m a bit concerned with right now is that Kathy hasn’t notified us yet to say they received the final loan document they’re waiting on, and this could pose a potential delay in getting in the house and cause us (as well as others) all kinds of headaches. Let’s hope things continue to run on time!

I’m both nervous and excited to get the move done and over with. I just hope that living there won’t be too much like an apartment complex without the apartments. In the apartments I had back east they pretty much mowed in the summer and shoveled in the winter and that was it. But in the Arizona apartments, there was always, always something going on and a lot more activity. It was a climate thing, of course, but this is a nice climate, too. I just hope there isn’t too much activity going on there, though I think most of it will still be confined to the pool and clubhouse. I sure hope so anyway! They may come around every now and then with a street sweeper, but there are no sidewalks to blow or heavy landscaping to do. Still, I just want to get it over with and see what it’s really going to be like there.

Someone asked if there was any particular event that caused me not to believe in prayer, but nope. It was an accumulation of unanswered prayers that made me a non-believer. Not being granted a singing career (I still can’t believe I ever wanted to do that) was one thing, but what was really depressing and a scary eye-opener was when I was denied a child. It was then that I came to believe that it didn’t matter if what I asked for was off the wall or “normal.” It just had to be me asking for it and it was automatically forbidden.

I’d heard it said that if we prayed for what was fair, right, reasonable and correct, we would receive our request. Was a child not “correct?” Well, perhaps it wouldn’t have been the more I came to value my life and my freedom. After having to deal with other people’s screaming kids for so long I came to realize the value of peace. I also admit I got a bit selfish, not wanting to give up my life to something that would take from us more than it could ever give. You puke your guts out when you get pregnant, you gain a million pounds, you go through a world of pain having it, you get depressed afterward, and then you are swamped with nothing but constant noise and expenses with barely 5 minutes for yourself. Did I really want that? No, I didn’t. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that I had prayed for something that was supposed to be natural and that was when a cold hard reality began to sink in; that either nothing was listening to me, or it simply didn’t give a shit about me.

“Eh, it just wasn’t meant to be,” someone told me.

“But then why pray? If things are either meant to be or not meant to be, why pray?”

But I was stubborn and not ready to give up just yet on the idea of getting God to like/accept me and to give me what I wanted too, even though just the mother He had me born to was enough to tell me otherwise. I prayed for a child. He gave me a miscarriage. I prayed for help with my weight. I now struggle with 30 extra pounds. I prayed that the move from Oregon to Cali would go smoothly. He led us to the streets. I prayed that Tom not be one of the 10% to become unemployed back in 2008. He gave him years of unemployment. And so I quit talking to myself and let fate/destiny play itself out the way it was meant to be anyway. This doesn’t mean I won’t put effort into achieving the things I want in life, it just means that I know I’m on my own. If I’m going to get any of these things it will be because of me only, and if anyone does help me, they’ll walk on two legs just like I do. No, I’m not going to leave my weight to fate. I’m still going to try to diet and exercise and hope my body responds to it. If not then only a doctor can help me. Not any God.

Not one single blessing in my life, from Tom to our new home or from my writing/language abilities to our income has been prayed for. Every good thing I got in life was simply meant to be and I never had to ask for it. They may’ve taken work to achieve, but the point is that I’ve learned that praying doesn’t necessarily equal good things coming my way any more than it means being able to ward off or change bad things that happen. If I’m meant to have something, I’ll get it, and I won’t get what I’m not meant to have either. I know this and I know no prayers are necessary either, but as always, to each their own.

Later…

The Supreme Court ruling that DOMA is unconstitutional yesterday was a great thing. But when will gays be able to marry in every state???

Believe it or not, I’ve got about 90% of this place packed up now, including the mouse that fell prey to the sticky board under the sink. Yeah, he’s been bagged and sent to the outside trash bin. He was so cute, but oh the smell and the turds!

At first I thought the brown paper lunch bags he never used that he got a while back were a waste, but I find them great for mugs, glasses and other breakables.

Had a little scare this morning with the cooler. It was dripping off the roof and I’m thinking, Oh fucking no! Can’t shit just wait 3 more days to break? But Tom climbed up and checked it and said it overflowed a bit but wasn’t leaking. We’ve got triple-digit temps coming up, so it better fucking work!

Guess I’ll go pack and proofread some more and hope there are no delays. We really need them to call with the final numbers so we can make the damn down payment, sign the escrow papers that are set to close tomorrow, and go home!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2013 The people in our house are gone now and I’m getting more emotional (in a good way) as the days begin to melt down into just hours. I think, OMG, this is almost it! Unless a meteorite strikes us dead, a U-Haul is really going to take our perfectly live bodies out of here and not some coroner in a couple of body bags as what came so, so terrifyingly close to being the case.

It must’ve been a sad day for Gene and Audrey, the people we bought the house from. I feel a twinge of sadness for them knowing they’re going into an assisted living apartment just to begin the end of their lives while I’m thinking, OMG, our new home is now sitting there empty just waiting for us and a couple of cute rats!

What I saw in here earlier made me think of going petless once these rats go so we can use the bug plug that emits a high-frequency pitch at the new place. It was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in the 6 years we’ve been in Cali! I went into the bathroom, parked my ass on the toilet, then sort of glanced upwards. And then I saw it. My vision is so shitty I can’t distinguish small objects, but this thing was SO big that I instantly knew what it was. I shot up from that toilet so fucking fast. I hated to have to run underneath the thing to escape it, and of course you can imagine that trying to pull up your panties while running isn’t an easy thing. I woke poor Tom up to kill it that’s how huge and scary the damn thing was. Its guts are mashed all over the ceiling. If it weren’t for the fact that we’ll be out of here in a few days I’d scrub it off.

That nocturnal nightmare was compliments of the two days of rain we’ve had. We had more rainfall in the last two days than in nearly a year! It was amazing and so hard to believe it was late June and not late fall. We haven’t needed the cooler for two days, and it was also hard to believe that in just a few days we’d be in for triple digits. It’ll be 85° today, then 95°, then over 100°. Today, if I remember, I’ll shoot some of the ugliest exterior pics so we can all laugh at how we had to live for so long, though for the longest time, it wasn’t funny at all.

Tom scheduled the cable to be turned on on Friday. No more shitty slow DSL!!! Woo-hoo!!! And yes, we really are going home!!!

If there is a God up there that picks and chooses what happens to us and if things really do happen for a “reason” and He gets it in mind to beat someone over the head with money, I’ll be damned if it’ll be us. We can’t guarantee we’ll never get cancer or anything like that, but we’re going to always do everything we can to see to it that we never end up back in the poorhouse. But even though he makes a lot of money and the dream premonitions have backed off almost completely, a “bad” money dream would still scare the shit out of me. Once you’ve had just half of the dream premonitions I’ve had you can never ever return to assuming a nightmare was just a nightmare. Psychics go dormant at times. We don’t go away.

The only thing that could delay us is that the loan lady is waiting on one final document. She expects it today, though, and I hope she gets it! We don’t want to have to pay the Jes pest for OT spent here AND the park.

Ok, gotta get packing some more shit. Damn, it’s tough with so little space, but fun! Totally worth it. I think I’ll bag up some of the clothes we don’t wear as much and toss them in some cheap trash bags we got for cans and bottles.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2013 Beat the alarm by 3 minutes and learned that Mark’s surgery went well. They didn’t find anything they believed to be cancerous. But he’s still got his heart, a much bigger issue, to contend with.

Got another super busy day ahead, so I’ve got to make this quick. Amazingly, it rained all day yesterday. It was great. It shut the Jes pest up and made sleeping better. It’s going to rain throughout the morning too, the pest’s prime time. Like I said, though, I’m mostly on days now, so he can’t wake me up. He shouldn’t even be able to annoy me much when I am awake since he certainly won’t be re-roofing or bulldozing anytime soon while the ground is still wet. I’m so glad I’ll never have to hear that insanely loud dozer again!

Tom checks online every day to see if they’ve disconnected their cable so we can get it set up in our name, but nope, not yet. So someone’s still there. That’s no real surprise since they said they would be out by the 28th.

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2013 I first want to say that yesterday’s rant about the reverse discrimination running rampant in this country that no one seems to care about, and my lack of trust in God and belief in prayer wasn’t meant to sway anyone’s opinion one way or the other. You’re all welcome to have a mind of your own. Remember, I’m selfish. :) Meaning that I write for myself first and foremost. You readers are just an afterthought, so to speak. I’m going to say what I’ve got to say regardless of whether it’s the “norm” or things others can relate to or not simply because that’s part of what keeping a journal is all about. It’s about documenting one’s life, thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs, not about trying to change others. If someone happens to be influenced by anything I’ve written, however, then so be it. I can’t control the world or help what people are going to think or do. I kind of see journaling as I do walking down the street in my favorite shirt. Some will like it. Some won’t. Some won’t even notice. But I like it and that’s all that matters with no offense or persuasion intended.

Having fun making people wait on me on Ask. Nothing from Kathy today, but I got a few questions that might be from Kim. They asked if I had a lot of online friends, if I like getting email, and if I know anyone named Carol. Well, she has a sister Carol, and the other two questions seem like questions she’d ask. Just when I thought she’d forgotten about me.

We went to Walgreens yesterday to take advantage of our AARP discount. You get $10 just for signing up, so the sculpted dog I got was basically free. Getting older has its advantages, though I’m 3 years shy of my own AARP membership. It’s a very realistic-looking sculpt, which I like as opposed to cartoonish-looking things. It’s an Irish Setter holding a ‘welcome’ sign in its mouth.

“Only they’re not welcome,” Tom joked.

LOL, he’s got a point there as funny as it may sound. I’m no social butterfly. I’ll still be seeing a lot more people than I have been when I’m out and about; just not at home. I can’t wait to go swimming!!! It may be a week or two before we finally have the time to do that, but this is a great time of year to be moving. I’d hate to move in December and know I had to wait 5 months or so before I could swim.

The house isn’t as big as we thought it was, according to the appraisers and inspectors. It’s 56’ long by 24’ wide, which comes to 1344 square feet, not that that’s not more than enough room for us. The master bedroom alone is 12x20.

Tom said Jesse was blasting music on Saturday that couldn’t be heard in here. Every time he went outside, though, he could tell he was listening to a Bruce Springsteen concert. He could hear him talking in between songs. His kid is probably there now. Someone’s been there keeping the mutts quiet for the last half a year or so. I’m surprised we never heard his music before. Tom said he thinks he kept it down in the past so as not to annoy us. Well, that’s nice cuz his vehicles, power tools and mutts were certainly more than enough.

We’ve been having amazingly cool weather for June. Although I prefer it hot, it’s better for sleeping. It was nice to be able to shut the bedroom door and window and not have to wear my eye mask when I crashed yesterday afternoon. They say we’re on for rain and sun today and just rain tomorrow, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It’d be awesome if it would rain really hard if only for an hour because then the Jes pest won’t be as likely to do anything down here before we leave, particularly bulldozing and re-roofing. Oh, the work that guy’s gonna have to do in here with all the damn drippy faucets alone! I’m sure he’ll want to balance the doors, too. He may not care that the bathroom door flops open, but he’ll definitely care that I’ve had to make a hook on the wall to keep the bedroom door from flopping shut. Oh, to soon be able to place a door halfway open and see it stay there! The next place is going to have 7 interior doors. I’m not counting bedroom closets cuz those are sliders.

Later…

Tom woke up early because his mind was racing a mile a minute. We’re both excited but also nervous about the move. I’m nervous about what it’ll be like when we get there, and he’s nervous about just getting there. As he said, everything’s running smoothly and that’s the problem, which is exactly what I was thinking. Things just don’t normally go as planned for us yet as far as we know there are no delays to be expected, no one’s out to get us and to ruin our plans, and we’re still on for moving this weekend. After having things go so shitty for us for so long, and after seeing every single one of our plans, simple or complex, fall to pieces, we tend to get a little suspicious when things go well for us. Really, why is life being so good to us all of a sudden? From a logical standpoint, we deserve good things and it’s simply our compensation for the hell we went through year after year, but something up there has a way of seeing it the other way around and I worry that we’re going to pay tenfold for this good fortune we’ve been having.

For now, life is being so good to us that it’s even raining out there as I write this, LOL. That’ll keep the Jes pest at bay. I’m mostly back on days now, though, so it’s unlikely there’ll ever be a risk of him waking me up again. I’ll be setting alarms so my schedule doesn’t jump more than an hour a day. So today it’s into bed at 1pm to read for an hour, then back up at 11pm.

Although we’re not in an area where natural disasters are likely to strike, if something happened that was out of our control like that, that’d be one thing. But if any person, group, agency or whatever even thinks of turning our dreams into a living nightmare like it has in the past I will totally destroy anyone responsible. TOTALLY.

That being said I can move on to say that I’ve organized and packed a few more things. Tom can get tons of boxes at work so that’s not an issue. The issue is where to put them. We don’t have much room to pile boxes in here but some can go out on the porch if they have to. I had my emotional moments along the way thinking, wow! It’s really happening. We’re going home. Yes, we are!

The PTSD still eats at me at times, so it will be nice to finally be in a place that doesn’t have such terrifying and stressful memories attached to it, and that hopefully never will either.

Mark should be out of surgery by now and hopefully, he’ll soon learn that he’s cancer-free!

SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2013 Kathy’s brother asked again why I’m such a “cray beeyatch,” but I think I’ll ignore his childish shit this time around.

Enjoying our last full weekend under the shadow of the Jes pest, though we’re carrying on with our usual errands. Changed the bed here for the last time and will sleep here just 7 more times!

Heard a mouse chewing like hell somewhere under the bathroom. The next people better hope they’re not afraid of mice cuz there sure are a lot of them here in these woods.

When I realized that focusing too much on my German (thanks to Nane, LOL) was hurting my Spanish and Italian and I was starting to forget some things, I went back to Lang-8 where I can do some quick entries in both languages and have any errors corrected by native speakers. Or at least what should be native speakers anyway. I don’t post what I usually post in English in my regular journals, and my entries there are usually short and sweet. The main idea is to just write a few minutes a day in these languages.

“How many answered prayers would it take for you to believe in prayer?” someone asked me. Well, if half of them were answered I’d say it was a coincidence. If 80% of them were answered then I’d seriously start to wonder if there really was something up there listening to me, but as long as I’m at 5% or less and not seeing us all get everything we want in life (or most of us anyway), then I still say it’s about fate and not what we want/don’t want. But whether or not it’s happenstance or something deciding what we get/don’t get is still a mystery to me.

What the hell’s wrong with the Mac’s mail program? It won’t let me send mail. It asks for my PW but keeps rejecting it even though I know I typed it in correctly. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to send it directly from Outlook till Tom gets up and can investigate.

Why is it that whites are being fired like crazy for racial slurring, yet whenever blacks mouth off about whites no one gives a shit? Just wondering why the double standards and when the hell they’re ever going to end. This trend has been going on since the 90s and it’s getting really old. I was saddened and sickened to read in someone else’s journal that someone on the Food Network channel was fired for using the N-word 25 YEARS AGO while they were being robbed at gunpoint. I don’t know who she was and I don’t watch TV, but that didn’t make hearing about it any less appalling. Yet if a black person gets on national TV and whines about how terrible we white people are and calls us names, it’s perfectly ok.

“We have it all,” they so often complain. We do? Tell that to us when we too, can have a White History Month, white TV station, white pageants, white this, white that WITHOUT being called racists. And also when we can have a black, Hispanic or Asian person charged with any hate crimes against us, and we aren’t getting passed over in the workplace so often for non-whites.

Seriously, instead of being the second angriest group of people who think the right way to solve problems is through public screaming matches or violence, have you ever asked yourselves if maybe it’s about YOU and not your color? Contrary to popular belief, most people really do base their opinions on behavior and not color. So when you treat people like shit and you unfairly play the race card cuz it’s the “in” thing to do today and you know you’ll be believed, what do you expect? For us to pat you on the back and say, “Good job, buddy, good job?”

FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 2013 Other than backing up old journals on MyOpera and a little on Tumblr as well, I really don’t have much to update at the moment. We’re just waiting to move and I’m rolling my schedule back onto days. Amazingly, the Jes pest didn’t come down all week, but next week wouldn’t surprise me. Who knows, though? Maybe he’s waiting till we leave. The better he’s doing financially these days, the more he can take time prepping the place in between renters.

Even though it’s a hassle to work out here since I have to clear so many things away from the treadmill to have room to unfold it, I really gotta walk at least 20 minutes tonight so I don’t start having joint pain. Just one more week of this lack of space shit!

Tammy and Mark continue to have it rough physically. I guess her situation has been the same, but Mark, who not only has to have polyps surgery on Monday morning to make sure no cancer is present, was also rushed in to see his cardiologist. He apparently has a couple of clogged arteries and to quote Tammy's words, “If that one goes, he’s instantly dead. There’s no heart attack, no warning, no nothing.”

So things have certainly been scary, hectic and frustrating for them.

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2013 Not surprisingly, Kathy’s shit has started back up again after a few days of silence. I guess she’s my official replacement for Kim unless Kim’s doing a great job of making any of the anonymous questions I get seem like they’re not from her. Her brother – or at least supposedly her brother – asked: why you gotz to be hatin on my sis beeyatch?

I know I shouldn’t feed the trolls and should probably have ignored the “question,” but instead I deleted it and re-asked myself the same question only I changed it to: why you gotz to be hatin on my sis beeyatch?

LOL, I replied with: I’m married, buddy. I look, I flirt, but I definitely don’t date.

This will really fuck with their heads. Hopefully, they’ll think they made a typo. Hahaha

Later…

Nothing from Kathy and her cronies today. Alison said she almost never talks to her but that’s ok because she’s tried to reach out to her before just to be ignored. Well, as I’ve learned, Kathy is a very spoiled, selfish person, so if there’s nothing for her to gain by being closer to Aly, then she won’t bother. I’m kind of hoping she and her family will be too busy to pester people once the kid is born. Why dump someone, though, if you don’t want anything to do with them? I still can’t believe she of all people would dump someone, and then harass them! I’d seen her harass Molly, but that was different, or so I thought. That was her picking on a stalker, not someone she dumped for not being a God-lover.

Aly’s still struggling with skin issues, anemia, insomnia and depression. Others tell her to just “smile” and think “happy thoughts.” God, the day it’s that easy, no one will ever be depressed again! Really, that’s like telling a gay person to just not be attracted to the same sex.

Andy has a form of asthma and has to use inhalers. This sucks, but it’s better than having cancer. Tom has exercise-induced asthma. Strenuous activity can cause him to have a tough time breathing.

Someone on Ask told me that the older I get, the more selfish I get. Gosh, I hope so! I would hope I’ve matured, grown and smartened up enough not to be so damn naïve, trusting and forgiving as I once was. As I told them, I would still help a friend in need, of course, but would be more selective about who I did what for. Sometimes our generosity is taken advantage of and this causes us to be less generous, thus giving the impression we’re stingy. Being too trusting, forgiving and generous can really get us in trouble if we’re not careful. I’ll still help the old lady cross the street, but I won’t give money to the guy on the street and take his word for it that he’ll get the food he needs with it. For all I know that “food” is really drugs, alcohol or cigarettes.

I think most of us become more selfish with age as we lose our sensitivity and care less about what others think of us, how we look, etc.

I get the impression this is someone who’s been reading quite a bit of my journal but won’t identify themselves because it’s someone who knows they’re not supposed to be contacting me. Either that or they’re afraid of me for some reason. Ah, but I don’t bite, so hopefully they’ll step out of the shadows and introduce themselves sometime.

As the move approaches, we begin the last of the last. Last sheet change, last period, last this, last that. I’m so excited and nervous, but fortunately, I’m much more excited.

Can’t wait to be more active and go back to dieting even if it means having to deal with constant hunger again. I once prayed for any God that may be up there and that may hear me to please help me help myself by giving me more strength not to cave into the hunger or take shortcuts with working out, but was ignored, of course. So I stopped talking and started doing, knowing I was on my own, as always. Still not sure, though, if there once was a God who abandoned us and that’s why prayer is just wishful thinking for most of us and why so many people have such shitty lives, or if there is one and it’s just playing favorites. I know some people think it’s the devil that does evil and not God, but if God’s supposed to be the most powerful thing, then why doesn’t He overthrow the devil? Hmm… I gotta go with there being a God that created the universe and the things in it, but that doesn’t have any influence over our day-to-day lives.

BUT… the timing of the job was way too coincidental. I have a feeling that if anything up there did lead us on the road to death, it wasn’t the same thing that saved us for why would you push someone so far into the dark just to yank them out of it at the end? What happened to us was literally like falling from the sky with no parachute just to have a giant hand reach out and catch us as we were about to hit the ground. Things were THAT close to over for us. I don’t know what saved us in the end. I only know it wasn’t God. I don’t know how I know it, though. Just a gut feeling, I guess.

Ok, I should quit analyzing and guessing things none of us can ever know for sure anyway, and go hit the shower.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2013 Just 10 days left! Kathy emailed Tom the insurance forms to print, sign, scan and email back so they can go ahead with the loan stuff.

I’ve been organizing things both on and offline. Every now and then I like to clean out my email accounts and delete everything I’ve received and sent. You just never know if someone may hack in and get the password you may’ve requested or whatever. So I decided it was time to clean house.

Went through some more stuff in the dark, creepy closet, which I won’t miss at all no matter how spacious it may be for a little old trailer, but there’s only so much I can pack right now because most of what’s not yet packed are things we’ll need or don’t have boxes for. The hard part is where to put all the boxes we pack. We’re hoping to bring some big, bulky items over to the house before we get the truck.

The dream I had of Teddy Bear was weird. She was still in her late 30s, as I believed her to be when I last knew her. Only instead of just getting transferred to Madison for flirting with the ladies at Estrella, she was married with a 12-year-old daughter in the dream, rumor had it. The person telling me about it (I don’t know who) said Teddy Bear was from a very conservative, hateful family that pushed her until she succumbed to the pressure and married her high school sweetheart. Or, more appropriately, the boy she pretended to love and be all into, the person also told me.

“So by day she’s following her heart and chasing the ladies, and at night she’s this old-fashioned person going home to this husband and child she never wanted?” I asked incredulously.

The person nodded just as I was coming awake. In real life, there’s no way she’d have ever let anyone pressure her into marriage, kids or both. By then married people having kids was no longer the norm anyway, and then even marriage itself got less common. Too busy trying to keep gays from marrying, I guess, to worry about their own marriages. She also doesn’t strike me as the type to marry another woman, not that Arizona would ever allow it being the bigoted state it is towards people like gays, Jews and whites. Everything down there is basically black this, Mexican that.

Not where Tom works, though, so he’s learning. His place is one of those few places left that still underpays its minorities. Pam, his coworker who also lives in an adult community, says that’s just so horrible and so unfair. LOL, so typical of a white person to say, but I can’t say I don’t agree. I always thought nothing but one’s qualifications should be considered when it comes to employment and that everyone should be paid equally and fairly despite color, race, gender, nationality or sexual preference. But sadly, minorities tend to be favored in most places, gays are still getting fired, and women still aren’t getting the pay men get.

Later…

I guess I’m going to be ghostwriting for Tammy after the move. She’s been wanting to start a journal for a while now but has been too sick to do so. Even when she’s not sick, her meds make her shaky so it’s hard for her to type. Hopefully, by the end of the year, the doctors will have her in much better health than she is now. She’ll still probably have to take medication for the rest of her life, though, even if she doesn’t need the transplant done.

Anyway, I thought of how she paid Sarah to help her around the house and said, “Hey, wanna hire me to ghostwrite your life story?” Well, she is interested in my offer, but we won’t discuss it till we get settled at the new place, though the pay is up to her.

I only ghostwrote one other story and that was Mary’s story, none of which I ever got any credit for. People don’t always realize that not everyone can afford to work for free, and even when they can, they still shouldn’t have to. Nonetheless, I saw it as helping out a friend, or what I thought was a friend. One I also thought trusted me. Sometimes being friends with someone who can’t take us at face value can be as difficult as trying to be friends with those who are crazy. You spend more time trying to reason, assure and explain yourself than you do actually enjoying having them in your life. They’re not worth it no matter how much you may like them otherwise.

Anyway, I am going to be sooo busy after the move, but I look forward to keeping wonderfully busy and active. I just want people to know this if I’m not around as much and not take it personally. Don’t know how much time I’ll have for social sites and blogging, but will still make a point of doing at least one quick entry a day. Work, sweepstakes, writing, language studies, pools, gyms, shopping, decorating… I am sooo excited and it’s going to be sooo much fun! And very time-consuming. Still gotta cook, clean and do laundry, even though I’m not much of a cook. I wonder if there’ll be enough hours in a day to do all I want to do! Can’t wait to do things online I couldn’t do here either at all or very easily – stream movies, download high-res pics, explore new music to add to my music library…

We decided to just start with a new desk and a couch because we don’t want the savings to drop too much. This place is beautiful and affordable, but ONLY if you make good money. Yeah, that’s the only thing I don’t like about this place, besides the bad memories I’ll always have of our toughest and scariest moments in Auburn, it’s NOT unemployment safe. On the bright side, this is easily the most secure job he’s ever had what with all the OT. You don’t usually throw so much OT at people just to go laying them off soon afterward.

It’s going to be so much more fun than the last house we bought. After all was set up and done there, that was it. It was over and I didn’t have much else to do or look forward to. There were no pools or clubhouses I could go to, the Internet wasn’t what it is today, and so there wasn’t much to do other than clean and write. Well, that is until a knock on the door at 8:30 on the morning of January 6, 2000 came and put an end to my boredom. That sure as hell won’t be happening at this place! Not unless it’s in my cards to end up filthy rich after all.

All the little things like changing town names on Facebook (that won’t happen till we get over there) are made more special by the fact that I wasn’t supposed to live to be able to do them. Like drink the emergency water. LOL, yeah, that’s another thing we’ll do in about a week or so is finish off the little jug of water for when the Jes pest would have one of his famous well or pressure tank problems. You see things differently after you’ve stared death in the eye. Things are funnier. Stupid things that you wouldn’t ordinarily laugh about or give a second thought to. Like drinking down that “emergency” water. hahaha

This should be the last night we’ll have to close windows and the cooler vent while we’re still here. Last night got chilly as hell in here. The propane tank hit 12% last weekend, so the next people in here are definitely not going to take many showers at our expense, LOL.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2013 No calls or emails today, so I guess everything is on track as scheduled. No bad dreams either.

Been having dreams of Teddy Bear, the one woman I came to really truly love (though I have had feelings for a few others) after getting married. She really taught me a lot. For one, she reminded me that some people are full of shit no matter what they say, and yes, no matter how in love and committed you are to one person, people can still be attracted to and even have feelings for others along the way. We really are only human.

I wonder what her life is like today. Is she still a detention officer? Or did all that flirting finally catch up to her and get her fired? I wonder about Palma and Pérez, too.

Jesse let me sleep so far this week. I’ve had the sound machines cranked up and I’ve also added an earplug to my good ear for good measure. If he’s been down here I haven’t heard him. I don’t think he has been, though, as there’s no evidence of weeding, trimming, bulldozing or anything.

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2013 The Jes pest is almost just a memory and I’m wondering why the heavy period. So much for menopausal dreamin’.

I’m also wondering why I’m still Stephane’s only friend on Facebook. If it weren’t for a fellow VH sister confirming that she’s another “sister,” I’d be beyond suspicious. But why join FB just to friend only me, someone she never met? She was at VH from 1984-1986 and I was there from 1982-1984.

Poor Nane was sick, but will soon be off to enjoy a vacation in Spain!

I hope Alison’s doctor’s appointment went well today. The poor girl’s skin is all broken out and she’s lucky to get just 2 hours of sleep a night. Damn! I can’t even live on just 6, so I don’t know how she does just 2. Her last round of blood tests came back as “unusual,” so I worry about her. She herself says she doesn’t know how much more she can take. She’s been as cursed medically as we were financially.

At this point, I’m just hoping to hell there are no last-minute delays. Things have been running smoothly and on schedule so far which is pretty damn amazing for us, so that’s why I worry someone’s gonna throw a kink in our plans at some point. I hope not, though! It’s just that no one’s asked us for money yet and we can’t get in the house till we make the down payment. The loan lady said everything’s fine, so I guess we should just trust her and assume she knows what she’s doing.

Why has life been so good to us lately anyway? I wonder. I know we deserve this compensation after the hell we went through for so long, but still, I’m not used to things going this well for this long and I tend to get a little suspicious when they do. I suppose I should just shut up and enjoy it! If the shit’s gonna hit the fan again at some point, and if there really is a God that’s pissed off at what we’re doing and is going to “punish” us with breakage or health issues, there’s nothing we can do about it now.

I laugh to myself when I read back on some of my old journal entries. Damn, was I naïve! Back when I didn’t always talk right, sometimes by choice when I’d alter words, I then saw it as cute, creative and funny. But like most people when they get older, what I once saw as cute now seems immature. Sometimes it still brings humor to me (if not convenience) to either abbreviate or alter words amongst friends and whatnot, but if I were reading a journal like mine from the 80s and 90s I wouldn’t take them very seriously or consider them very bright. I guess that the more serious I became about writing, the less I wanted to sound like I was in my teens or 20s, unless it’s a character in one of my books that’s that age or something.

The growing illiteracy rate and poor spelling, grammar and punctuation are still alarming. Especially when people are looking for love or jobs where the last thing you want to come off as is some dumb-ass, uneducated person from the slums. As a writer, though, you tend to not only hate it when you make a typo, but you notice the errors of others more and are more annoyed by such things, especially when the writing is so bad you can’t even understand them or you have to read whatever it is they wrote a few times just to get what they’re trying to say.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013 OMG, this is so fucking funny! I walked into the room Tom was in and said, “Wow, someone on Ask asked about my unfinished Bunny Nose story. I’m surprised anyone remembers that. I told them that I plan, as time permits, to finish that and other unfinished stories I’ve put off once we get moved, or something like that.”

Then I pointed to his eye that’s been watery for some reason and said, “You still have a crying eye.”

“Yeah,” he said, “That could be Bunny Nose’s sequel; Crying Eye.

LMAO!

I may eventually share stories, or at least parts of stories, in my blogs. Can’t share anything that’s already been published, though, and if I post anything that I later end up getting published, I’ll have to take those posts down.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2013 Tom and I are having a relaxing anniversary. The only real work I’m doing is laundry, though I don’t mind. I hope I will be able to say on our 20th anniversary how wonderful our first year in our new home has been, and not that the people there have pestered us or that we’ve had all kinds of problems with the house or anything like that.

I don’t like that Mary was in my blog if only for 20 seconds. What for? I don’t want to be friends with her again, so why can’t those who either dump me or that I dump just let go? Just ignore me and move on, goddamnit! But it’s like no one’s willing to forgive you when you try to apologize and resume your friendship with them, yet they sure won’t leave you alone for long if you’re the one that decides to walk away.

I accused her of having trust issues and being paranoid, but again, Jenny had a point in saying I was “almost” paranoid. How do I know she isn’t coming in to see if there’s something she can sue me for? Until she loses her rich “BF” she could use extra money, no doubt. I still worry that within a few months after the move God will send someone or something to fuck it up for us. If not to the devastating degree that the freeloaders did, then to at least be a highly annoying long-term issue that we’ll be less than thrilled to have to be dealing with when all we want to do is live our lives in peace and enjoy our new home. Well, we WILL fight back this time. Sure hope we won’t have to, though.

Got a couple of messages from Tammy. Because she spoke for 12 minutes and is putting off her health issues till the fall (due to Mark’s issues), I’m hopeful she won’t need the transplant and that her condition won’t get any worse. It’s still not the greatest, though. She’s not physically up to traveling. But she really wants to see us and says they could help with tickets. I think we could swing it ourselves and then she could just house and feed us. But if we really do go there, it’s way in the future. We need to move and get settled first, plus we have a trip to Hawaii coming up this winter.

Also, if we did go there it would only be for a few days. I’d hate to go there and not see Andy, so I guess we could rent a car and have him either drop down and meet us in CT, or we could shoot up over the MA border before we were due to go to the airport or something like that and see him if only for an hour or two.

She said, “I know you don’t like big dogs, but Peppy’s a real baby.” LOL, baby or not, 86 pounds is more than half my body weight! But does SHE realize how big these rats are? They’re like guinea pigs only skinnier, cuter, smarter, and with pointy noses and 8” tails that are about a half-inch thick at the base. Romeo loves to chase the dusting wand when I wave it around, and Sugar’s a real sweetie. Very playful, but gentle, unlike Romeo who can get to really nipping at times. Sugar literally stands straight up when I open the roof of the cage and gives me hugs and kisses.

Tammy’s been redecorating and installing new carpet and flooring so things have been hectic for her. The girls and Mark help her with what she doesn’t have the lungs to do.

Been having fun getting ideas online for new stuff of our own.

I love knowing we’ll soon be getting right what they fucked up on in Maricopa. Besides, our choices were so limited there. It was either white linoleum for the floor or “wooden” linoleum. I chose the white but of course it was marred with streaks of red where they made vent cut-outs and the lazies never cared to fix it. The pink Champaign carpet ended up being denim blue. Better than neutral colors, but still not what I wanted. I was thinking I may go with crème colored furniture with a medium shade of pink carpet, but that’s subject to change.

I love how I’ll get to pick out 3 different designs for floors. One for the kitchen, one for the master bath, and one for the second bath and laundry area. I like the bamboo wallpaper in the master bath and don’t want to redo that, so I’ll probably get something that will go with that. I don’t remember the wallpaper in the other bath, and the kitchen was boring.

I am sooo excited about our new home and all the fun games and activities I look forward to when I’m not writing or doing other work. I had said that I’d always feel some degree of resentment that we had to live so shabbily for so long, and while that’s true, a small part of it ended up being by choice so that we could really live it up in the end. We could’ve moved years ago. We just didn’t want to rent another dump or buy an old dump in a dumpy park with no pool. But because we lived cramped in here for so long we can now enjoy a luxury home in a luxury park with tons of amenities. I am NOT going to let any person, group or God ruin things for us there either. Oh no, not this time around! If anyone makes trouble for us we WILL fight back and we WILL win. Sure hope we won’t have to bother, though. Can’t imagine we would, but that’s just my paranoid side coming out after meeting with disasters of different kinds in two other states.

I laughed when Tom reminded me that we gotta “act” like old people at the pool. No diving, handstands or horseplay. It’ll still be fun, even if all I can do is float and swim.

I am having the PMS from hell with the water bloating. It’s really ridiculous that a 47-year-old has to have a uterus. Why does God hate women so damn much? Better yet, why did He create us if He knew he hated us? Just to have someone to pick on?

FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2013 Less than 6 more hours till our 19th wedding anniversary! Not bad for one who once could barely keep a relationship for more than 5 minutes. If I wasn’t busy getting dumped I was busy realizing fast what a mistake I’d made in which case I was doing the dumping.

No one could ever compare to Tom no matter what they said, did, earned or looked like!

The real mystery is who the hell really is fucking with me on MD. I still say Kathy was behind some of it, but in regards to my saying how much I liked the motto “Freedom of speech is wonderful, right up there with the freedom not to listen,” I also said that any decent lawyer would’ve told that sick fuck of a twist next to us in Phoenix, “You had the right not to read your mail. No one forced you at gunpoint!”

Then someone with a bogus email came in with: then stop crying that people are responding to your emails idiot!! hah

What emails??? Kim would use words like “idiot” and “moron,” but we haven’t exchanged emails in like forever. Kathy and I never responded to emails. That leaves one very chilling possibility. Yeah, the black bitch in Phoenix. She’s the only one who “responded” by running to the pigs if the pig was even real at all. The only people I exchange emails with are friends and family. Regardless, their statement still makes no sense in response to what I wrote.

Aly just emailed me saying she wondered if Jenny could be behind the messages, cuz a mutual friend of hers and Kathy’s said Kathy was on vacation. Yeah, that’s what someone said on Ask. But someone connected to Kathy was harassing me.

I’ve got comments disabled for all blogs. That way if anyone there gets curious enough to look us up and they find my blog, they can’t say, “Hi, it’s so and so from the park. Welcome to LV!” I’d not only want to wring their necks for that, but I’d be like, jeez, why don’t you just spill our address and socials, too!

Didn’t hear from the Jes pest today, though I didn’t get up till noon. He was ATVing to the electrical box when we returned from yesterday’s signing. Brenda had wanted to be there but she had her own signing to attend to. Brenda’s been asking weird questions and we suspect she may have it in for Joy and want to catch her doing something wrong so she can complain on her. When the park changed management they fired everybody cuz they wanted to hire their own staff. So that’s why Brenda isn’t too fond of Joy.

I’m enjoying the beginning of the end of our time here in this little shitbox. Just changed the sheets and should only have to struggle to make this bed, with barely any space to one side and the foot, one more time!

I just hope nothing critical breaks in our last two weeks here and that that damn pest lets me sleep next week! I need to make one more schedule flip before we get out of here. I’m sure he’ll douse the tanks with bleach at least one more time, though. I hope he’s doing ok financially. The more desperate he is, the quicker he’ll want to start prepping the outside so he can get this place listed faster. On the other hand, it shouldn’t take him more than a day to bulldoze and trim some trees, so long as he doesn’t plan to paint or do anything too extravagant.

Except for the seclusion, I’m not going to miss this place one bit. I took some indoor pics of the ugliest parts of this trailer – behind the toilet, the mismatched bathroom colors, the hallway ceiling/grille, and I just shot the ugly kitchen door, too.

There’s always this faint smell of propane every time I get near the stove like there’s a leak or something. I’m not going to miss that either!

Tom said his coworkers were all jealous of us when he told them all about the place, LOL. Good and bad news for him there. He may continue getting the entire weekend off, but the weekday OT isn’t going to end anytime soon, but at nearly a grand a week it’s hard to complain. He only worked a half-day today due to their systems being down for maintenance but was paid for a full day’s work.

I can’t wait to explore the funhouse, as I’ve dubbed the clubhouse, more thoroughly. I’m surprised how deserted it was. You had half a dozen people at the pool yet not a single soul in sight at the funhouse. I suppose I should be more correct in my journal and call it the clubhouse cuz no one’s going to have a clue as to what the hell I’m talking about otherwise! Oh, there was a billiards room too, but I don’t think I’ll care for that.

The appraisal and inspection were done and everything’s looking good. They found a few minor things. The shower drain in the second bath is loose and the dryer vents underneath the house so there’s some lint down there, not that we care. Some small cuts in the kitchen floor (I remember those, though we’re going to replace the flooring anyway cuz it’s dull), and a few nicks in the outside trim. There’s a small dent in one of the carport supports too, which we may wall off into a garage so Tom could work on the car inside of it if he needed to. They don’t allow that there otherwise.

They’re installing a carbon monoxide monitor, and that was pretty much it. The report was emailed to Tom with very specific photos and descriptions. The patio table and chairs are still there, along with some wind chimes. I also liked that I didn’t see two new vehicles or something like that in next door’s driveway which was visible in one of the pics.

I may bitch about the high space rent, and I may worry about things going wrong and setting the stage for us to return to financial disaster (with a little help from whatever’s above that wasn’t very kind to us for so time), but it’s actually one of the cheapest there because the last people were there for so long. Most of the lots are over $800, as with most of the luxury parks in the area. I would have been thrilled and stunned to know we were going to a 1975, 1000-square-foot elevated home in a typical senior park, but a 1983, 1550-square-foot ground-level home in a luxury park is just mind-boggling! I just never would’ve believed it after living so shabbily for so long.

There are 3 trash bins. One’s for regular trash, which gets picked up weekly. Then there’s one for recyclables and one for green waste. They get alternated each week but picked up on the same day as your regular trash.

At first I wondered how the hell to care for all the trees and plants and what needed to be watered when, but it turns out there’s a drip system in place that’s on a timer located underneath the house. We just have to trim whatever needs trimming.

They had water problems due to some people landscaping in areas they shouldn’t have and damaging some pipes. We may get a couple of 5-gallon gravity-fed water tanks for the toilets just in case, but we don’t know for sure yet. Joy said it’s only occasionally that they have to turn the water off and usually only for a couple of hours.

We may eventually switch to LED lighting because it’s even cheaper than fluorescent. It’s costly at first but will pay for itself in a year, according to Tom’s research.

I love the opaque curtains throughout the place that lets light in but keeps eyes out. I used to be more into blinds, but I’ve gotten sick of them cuz they’re a bitch to dust. These I can just toss in the washer every now and then. The only room I want dark is the bedroom, but it will be in such a way that will be easier to let light in whenever I want to. Here I have rods holding blackout material flush against the window. I can take it out in seconds, but it looks ridiculous without curtains and having to flip the bottom of the material over the outer rod. There I intend to get room-darkening shades with blackout drapes like they use in hotels.

I was bummed to learn the bedrooms have no overhead lights. I hate lamps that operate on wall switches that you plug into special plugs! I used to hate entering a room at night, flipping on the switch, then turning the lamp off using the lamp’s switch, then going to flip the wall switch on the next night just to find it was already on but the lamp was off.

I’ll have to get a really good lamp in the master bedroom and probably more than one. That’s a HUGE room! I won’t use it as much, though, since I now read with the Kindle, but I still want to have something for when I’m going through drawers and closets at night.

I read the resident directory and it turns out that Gene and Audrey S are in our house now, and Robert and Virginia S are next door. Tom thinks they’re older than us, saying that there aren’t many younger Virginias. I would’ve really preferred not to have any male neighbors, though. They’re the ones more likely to be out in their garages hammering, sawing, etc.

The only other name I remember is Marion because that’s – what the fuck is our current “male neighbor” (the Jes pest) up there gunning at 8:30 at night? – Nane’s first name.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2013 Other than for Tammy, Andy and Nane, I will have to be sure to edit out any info that could identify the specific park we’re in, even though the back gate is always locked and the front one is locked at night. If you go to the side of the guardhouse that isn’t gated in front, the tire spikes will be sure to get you. :) I love that security feature! If you drive up to the gate from the inside, it will automatically open, but you need either a code or a transmitter to get in. Might have to have any food deliveries done before 8pm cuz they ask that you don’t give the code to anyone. So… unless you climb the wall, make sure you have about $450 set aside for new tires cuz you’re getting tire-spiked if you don’t live there! I’m sure some of the residents give the code out to some of their family and friends, though. We’ll have to either pick Tammy and Mark up from the airport or have them come in the daytime if they rent a car. If they arrive after dark it’s still no biggie cuz one of us could walk to the gate with the transmitter if we had to.

Got up at 10:30, listened to the Jes pest cruise around on the ATV (probably to pick up our trash at the fork), then Tom and I headed for the park shortly after he got home at 12:30 for what turned out to be a very long and tedious meeting. But Joy was nothing like Stacy, nor did she look like I pictured her to look like. She wasn’t snippy and she wasn’t the frail, old, gray-haired woman with short hair I expected to see. She was around my age and was tall and heavy. She had long straight black hair to her waist and looked to be American Indian.

We had to sign so many damn forms it reminded me of when I first met with Scot back in 2001.

The diagram of trees and bushes on our lot was initialed with B’s, T’s and C’s. I joked about them meaning bitch, tit and cunt, but we really knew the B’s and T’s were bushes and trees. But we didn’t know what the C’s meant till we asked her and she told us cypress trees. So that’s what those tall skinny, boring trees are called that you see all over Tuscany, huh? She asked that we keep them at 6’ and clear of the ground to deter rats, possums and skunks from wanting to nest inside them. I almost lost it when she mentioned rats and put a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, knowing what rats were going to be nesting inside our place, but skunks? I thought we were getting away from those things there. We wonder where the turkeys sleep at night but didn’t think to ask her.

I was hoping she’d volunteer some info on the neighbors but didn’t want to seem nosy by asking. I’m curious, but at the same time, I really don’t want to know they exist.

She asked about pets, and while we are allowed to have small indoor pets like birds, fish and rodents, we decided it’d be best to just say we were petless, figuring what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. Allowed or not, most people there wouldn’t be thrilled at the thought of any of their residents having a couple of monster-sized rats. “Things like fish are fine, just no big snakes or lizards,” she said.

I faked a shiver, pretending to be afraid of reptiles and rodents alike, LOL. Giving someone the gift of ignorance really can be bliss for them, though we have no desire to get any reptiles. The rats wouldn’t like that, I’m sure.

There are some things she said I liked and some I didn’t. I’ll start with the things I didn’t like and save the good things for last. My biggest concern is being pestered with various activities and being inconvenienced more than I’d like, but I doubt it could be any worse than it has been here, and there it will at least be worth it and we’ll be in a place that’s ours. They have water issues where they have to turn the water off to the park for a couple of hours on occasion. I guess that due to the park being old they’ve had to make some repairs.

It may have already been done but if not I’ll have to deal with someone going underneath the house and installing a water meter in the crawl space, then placing a box outside the place. I won’t have to go to the door, though, or let anyone in. As Tom reminded me, we won’t be renting anymore. They don’t do inspections and we’re not obligated to let anyone inside if we don’t want to.

What really sucked to hear about is the July 4th parade they have. They’ll be marching through the park that day and I really hope I’m on days that day! I should be. I also hope they don’t have many events that spill outside the clubhouse and into the entire park like that. Joy said they go “all-out” and even get kids and grandkids into the July 4th parade. Ugh. :( I wasn’t at all thrilled to hear this. Isn’t loud music and kids what we want to avoid and the whole reason for going to a retirement community?

Another thing I didn’t like is that they deliver a newsletter to the door on the first of every month, though Tom says they probably wouldn’t knock, and if they did we could ask them not to.

Lastly, and what I’d say is my biggest concern, is the space rent. It’s high even though it’s one of the lowest in the park, and will increase every year. We signed a 5-year lease instead of a 1-year lease since that’d keep it from increasing as much. Tom said that after doing the math we shouldn’t even hit a thousand a month for over a decade. Still, $747, plus trash, water, sewer, cable and electricity means we really gotta keep our savings up and hope he never gets laid off until and if he ever changes jobs. He might too, cuz he thinks he can get an even better-paying job without all the OT and with even better benefits. Well, like I said, I just hope nothing up there decides to “punish” us for finally getting ahead and getting the things we deserve in life after so many years of struggling and having to do without things, cuz we couldn’t afford this place on less than $10 an hour. Then again, we survived this place at $825. It’s just that there were no mortgage payments or utility bills to pay other than propane and our cheap, shitty DSL. If the space rent isn’t paid by 5pm on the 5th, you get a $25 late fee and another one if it’s not paid by the 15th. We’re looking at a minimum of 3K when he retires and he knows money better than I do. So if he says we can handle it, then I’m not too worried. The mortgage should be paid off in a couple of years.

There’s a $50 fee for those who stay with you for 30 days (thought it was a few days). After that, they have to apply to live there or vacate.

This entry’s getting so long and I’m never going to get everything written that I want to write about if I keep goofing off, so I’ll just wrap this one up and continue on later with the park’s pros, and there are many!

Later…

Ok, back to the pros and cons of the park. Well, I don’t want to mention too many in public, but I will say that Tom and I were laughing over the thought of people who know we live there thinking we were snobs cuz it’s a luxury park. Like people from my hometown of Longmeadow, MA were considered snobs whether they were or they weren’t. LOL, it’s definitely the Paradise Valley, AZ of parks. Well, maybe runner-up, but close enough.

The meeting with Joy took an hour. I was telling her how excited I was to enjoy so many things I had to do without for so long.

“Oh yeah,” she said with a knowing smile, “you never really miss something until you’ve had to do without it. Do I ever know that.”

Do you know what it’s like to believe you’re going to die? I thought. This event in our lives is made more special by the fact that this dream was never supposed to become a reality. We were supposed to die instead. But then a miracle saved us and we could eventually think of all the things that were well overdue for us. Well, on June 28th we’re coming to collect!

Talk about being forever burdened with shitty memories, though. I had described the mutt barking out of the window next to the last place we saw as a real “punch in the stomach.” But that day Tom confirmed one of my latest dreams (or nightmares to be more precise) had become a reality, it was beyond physical. It was a death sentence that was worse than having a million knives twisting and turning in your gut. Those things we read in books about our hearts jumping into our throats or sinking to the pit of our stomachs – well, I sure learned that day that these are very real feelings indeed, and I will have to live with the horrible memory of the stress, fear, depression and anger I suffered thanks to a bunch of greedy bankers, a corrupt government, and a God that didn’t give a damn.

So while I’ll always appreciate our blessings, the PTSD will always be a little cloud hanging overhead and I will always remember the utter horror of trying to imagine us sealing ourselves in the bedroom, lighting charcoal and dying in each other’s arms while not at all being able to imagine dying of starvation on the streets. We just had no idea at the time that Tammy would’ve helped us, even if it meant we’d have had to abandon everything and fly to her place, and well… tears are starting to trickle down my cheeks. Sorry. Then again, no, I’m not sorry. Like Jenny said, I do my best. :)

But not all memories of my 5 years in this dumpy little trailer nestled in the woods with the pesky landlord are negative. Look at all I’ve learned. Look at the wonderful people I’ve met… Nane, Aly, Mitch, Adonis… and the people I’ve reunited with… Tammy, Andy, Eileen, Rosa and so many more.

My language count has doubled and I’ve published books and shared my journal (some of it anyway) for all the world to see. Yeah, I’ve picked up a few trolls along the way, but many people have left very positive, interesting, encouraging and enlightening feedback.

I still can’t keep a schedule and I never conquered my driving phobia and have seen my share of death, one of which greatly saddened me (my foster mother’s), but I never had to go through any of it alone. I always had the love of my husband by my side, the husband who would’ve refused to let me die alone, even though he probably could survive the streets, unlike me, for at least a while.

I’ll never forget the day I sat in this chair I’m sitting in right now, after we were miraculously saved, realizing that that would probably have been the day when Jesse would have discovered our bodies.

I got a bit off-topic and rambled again, LOL, so I’ll finish (hopefully) in my next entry.

Later…

Ok, now I’ll finish up with today’s meeting once and for all. You can learn a lot in an hour and end up with so much to write about, though many details will not be made public despite how secure the park is.

While we were signing the lease and making it real, Tom wasn’t sure what DOB to put on the escrow papers on the 28th when he goes to sign them since he won’t be 55 anymore at that time, haha. Either way, signing those papers will REALLY be what makes it official.

“You guys just barely made it, age-wise. Seems like you had a plan,” Joy said.

Oh, we had a plan, all right. We started talking about adult communities back in Phoenix. What with the chaos the welfare bums and a few others in the neighborhood put us through, I wished to hell we could be in one. But we were only 27 and 35 when we met.

I also laughed when I took note of how dusty Joy’s office was. She could use Andy to clean for her. Hell, I’m so sick of cleaning that I’d have him come clean our house every 10 days or so if I could when both our schedules permitted it, give him $50 - $75 bucks or so, and let him eat or drink anything he wanted while he was tending to all 1550 square feet of the place. But cleaning the place will be well worth it and it’s good physical activity.

I’m so glad we gave this park a chance! I was so tempted to just blow it off. I really didn’t think we’d get in no matter how much money we made. I remember how excited Tom was about it when he first saw it and told me about it, and I was like, “A luxury park? Are you kidding?” He was like, why not at least try? “It’s a freaking luxury park,” I insisted. “Since when do we get to go first class? Really, all spacious modern doublewides and tons of extra goodies? Us? No freaking way! Your average house there sells for $65,000.”

Another con was the resident directory listing everyone’s name, address and phone number, but she said that was strictly optional and that we don’t have to be listed. Good, because I’d rather not give our number out to just anyone, and as Joy said, there’s no guarantee the info would stay in the park.

There were a surprising number of singles in the directory and a Marion on our street, LOL. Several German names, too. I can’t remember them now, but I smiled at some funny ones Andy and I would’ve loved to have called back in our days of mischief. Gene and Audrey S are the ones in our house now and my best guess is that Robert and Virginia S will be our neighbors. They need to hire me to edit their newsletter, though, if they think they can tell us not to take our smoke detectors for “granite.”

Another pro is that the lease can be broken with a 60-day notice and intent to sell. So we’re not locked in or anything like that which is great even though I think I’ll love it there. I sure hope so! I still worry about vehicle noise waking me up when I’m on nights, but we’ll see.

The park has way more amenities than I realized. I knew there was a clubhouse and that they had various groups that got together – computer groups, choir, and things like that. But when we were given a tour of the clubhouse (I’d hate to live directly across from it and deal with all that traffic), we were like, wow! There’s a big main room, which can be rented for special events. This is where bingo is held every Thursday night, which I was delighted to hear they have. They had bingo nights where my parents once lived and I hoped this place would, too. “Of course they would,” Tom said, “Old people love bingo.” LOL, I sure felt like we were young and even good-looking compared to most of the golden oldies we saw. Anyway, they had a big bingo board where they light up the numbers. You play for cash prizes, but I don’t know how much it costs to play.

There’s so much to do there! Their fitness room was state-of-the-art! Treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes, and even a modern Bowflex gym (we had one in Maricopa). I’m definitely getting this weight off no matter what and I intend to drop a good 6-8 dress sizes even if it takes me a year to do it. To each their own with their weight and bodies, but unless it turns out that I do have some medical problem or have to take any medication that causes weight gain, I have no excuse and no one to blame but myself for my own lack of physical activity and overeating. No, I don’t eat like a pig, but it doesn’t take much to put on extra pounds at this height and age. I’m not looking forward to the constant hunger, but the diet part is just as important, if not more than the exercise part, particularly for women. We gain and retain fat more easily than men. I still have a lot of muscle which is part natural for me, part working out for many years on a mostly consistent basis that had an accumulative effect, but I just may go all out and get really ripped!

They also have water aerobics, which may be fun, too. At first I thought of selling our treadmill, but I can’t go there to work out at 3am if I wanted to, so their gym will be just to add variety to my workout when I’m up and about when they’re open. This way I don’t have to just use a treadmill. I can choose to ride the bike one day and then use the elliptical the next day if I want to, and then there’s swimming when weather permits. The pool is solar-heated. Joy took us to see the pool where about 6 women and men over 65 were having a blast. I love how visiting kids are only allowed there in the mornings. This way we can go there in the afternoon when it’s warmer and know we can swim without some brat screaming in our ears.

Other fun goodies at the clubhouse are Bridge and card games. These things don’t interest me, but they have a book and video library and puzzles you can borrow. I only read ebooks, but now that we’ll actually have a table big enough for puzzles, we can borrow some of theirs or get our own and then donate them when we’re done. The pool, fitness room and bingo will be my main things. I’m not interested in the bocce court or the potlucks or anything like that. You have to bring a dish that serves 8-10 too, and I’m no cook. I laughed when I remembered Andy and I bringing empty plates to the apartment complex we lived at in Arizona 20 years ago for some slop they were serving. We thought “bring a dish” meant to bring an empty dish to pile the shit on, not bring your own slop to share with others while you ate their slop. LMAO!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2013 Kathy’s backed off. At least for now. I just reallowed for anonymous questions on Ask, so we’ll see if she returns.

Someone asked if I analyze people and all that. I not only think it’s human nature to do so, but yes, I analyze both the dead and the living. My dad looked the other way and let mom abuse us, yet there’s no doubt in mind that he wouldn’t have hesitated to shoot someone trying to kill me even if it meant he had to go to prison for it like if he were unable to prove it was done in order to save my life.

We were talking about what knobs/locks we want to get since the first thing we’ll do is change the locks on the new place. We’re hoping to change both house doors and the workshop with the same lock so we only need one key. Although it’s kind of cool, we decided it wasn’t worth the money to get the fingerprint-scanning lock. We considered a numeric keypad, but I don’t want to have to deal with hard-to-remember numbers, since using our birthdates or something easy to remember wouldn’t be wise. So then it came down to knobs or handles and I decided handles would be cool for a change. They’re certainly easier to operate. My first color choice is gold, then silver, then black.

It’s just so fun picking out these things! Also, the little things we’re going to need to pick out too, like an additional bathmat and a mat for by the back door where we’d be coming and going from mostly. One we can leave down all the time. Here we had to throw down a towel to step in on during rainy days, but we couldn’t leave it there because there was no way to avoid walking over it to get to and from the kitchen, which would get my socks wet during the colder months when I’d be wearing them. If there is a God, I swear I’ll never let it allow circumstances to have us live like this ever again no matter how much it may hate us!

Oh, to have a full-size washer and dryer! I can’t wait to turn what’s normally 3 or 4 loads here in this little portable washer into just 1 load there, and I can’t wait to be able to wash comforters! I’ve always preferred clothes dried in a dryer too, instead of air-dried. Air-dried is too stiff even with fabric softener. Gonna spoil myself at least once with those sheets you toss into the wash that has detergent, then becomes a softener sheet in the dryer. Oh, yes I am! rubs hands in anticipation

We were told they would be out by the 28th, Tom’s birthday, so the plan is to go there that day and measure windows for room darkening shades and blackout drapes for the bedroom. Also, to study the doors to determine what type of locks would be best. We also want to see what furniture, if any, they may leave behind.

On the 29th, we’ll bring some bulky stuff over like the computers, so I may be offline that night and doing a lot of reading and listening to music instead. We’ll also bring the rats that day, too. On the 30th will be the big move where we get the truck and get everything out of here. It will no doubt be quite an emotional day for me, too.

I need to make one more flip with my schedule before we leave, though, and that damn Jes pest better not be a pest and make things harder for me! With this type of sleep disorder, you sleep an hour or two later each day. I can stall it for a week or two, but after that, it gets harder and harder as I get less and less sleep, never able to catch up by going to sleep earlier the night before as most people can. That’s ok, though. 17 more days and I’ll never have to worry Jesse’s going to come to the door again! Sure hope vehicle noise doesn’t replace that at the new place! Can’t imagine there being much in the way of home renovation noise since most of the homes around ours are in pretty good shape. Next door looks like it may be even nicer than our place and ours is pretty damn nice. Really thought we were going to end up in a dumpy early 70s place, so the 80s is like, wow!

I can’t believe this exists in 2013 and it’s LEGAL (A news article about the Salvation Army saying they help people, just not gays)! If the Salvation Army were anti-black BOTH blacks and whites would be torching every SA in sight and the SA would be hit with all kinds of discrimination lawsuits. How did this world and its laws get to be so fucked up?!?!

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2013 It’s after 9:00 now and I’ve got 3 hours of music queued up so I don’t have to sit and listen to the Jes pest hammer, beat, bang, bash and run whatever machinery he’s been running up there for the rest of the morning. At least it’s still mild compared to the NHA and Phoenix. How can this guy claim he’s disabled, though, and get disability checks?

Even though my cousin Philip told me he and I didn’t have any issues, he must’ve eventually decided otherwise cuz he deleted me on Facebook. Probably Ruth and Polly influenced, but that’s ok. We have a right to keep or dump whomever we want.

Speaking of dumping… Fat Kat, Cart Fart, Crazy Carties, or whatever the hell else those that have also been targeted by this nutty bunch want to call them, I’m done with that chapter of my life and have deleted some stuff pertaining to them. If they want to go on raging over people’s beliefs, that’s their problem and not mine, and I’m not about to let anyone make it mine either. That being said I can move on to whether or not I really want to remain public.

Every day I’m torn between staying public and going friends-only, and every day I say I’ll sleep on it. Only I never wake up any surer as to what I want to do than I was the night before, and when I do it isn’t long before I change my mind. I asked Tom if he’d let Molly’s “informant” influence his decision and he said no, that wouldn’t even factor into it. Well, public or not, I’ll probably at least cut out some of my blogs. I have too many. I enjoy the different features the different sites have to offer, but it makes editing more of a pain when you manage multiple blogs. I dropped Tumblr and I guess LJ will be next at some point. Maybe I’ll make that a voice blog.

I had strange dreams last night about waking up in our Maricopa house, then a dream of Andy’s mother inviting me to the beach in Arizona of all places, hahaha. I kept trying to tell her there were no beaches there, but she just didn’t get it.

He was also laughing at how I blame God for the economy. Why, though? If things happen for a reason, good or bad, isn’t He supposed to be the driving force behind these things? Ok, “responsible” may be a better word than “blame” in some cases. The guy who raises a bat to kill someone is responsible for his own actions, but who do you think allowed it to happen? If there is a God that’s still influencing the people and events on earth, it’s definitely not a good God for the most part, but yeah, if one exists I think it helped set the stage for the economy to collapse and chose who would be affected by it and how. Well, believing you’re going to die whether it’s quickly at your own hand or slowly on the streets isn’t funny at all, and I know I never could or would forgive God (along with other reasons). Again, though, that’s if one still exists. Maybe the events in our lives truly are happenstance, unplanned and totally without anything but humans, machines and Mother Nature guiding them. We’ll probably never know for sure in this life.

What did the crisis bring me in the end? Another case of PTSD and a valuable lesson learned about saving money. Then again, we’d already learned that lesson beforehand; it’s just that we didn’t have the money to save in the first place. Tom did the worst-case-scenario math and found that even if they laid him off the day we moved in and he couldn’t get unemployment, we’d be ok for 4 months. But of course he’d get unemployment, and older and white or not, it shouldn’t take 2 years for him to find another job.

Later…

Guess I’ll stay public a while longer. As I know, putting a wall around me may keep the jerks out, but it also keeps the good people out as well. It’s both fun and interesting to see who comes around, even if I’m less than flattered by some of my visitors.

Still not sure why I’m being dumped so much these days by people who either want to dump and ignore me or dump and harass me, but if it’s about me being me, then I’d rather keep on being me and keep on losing people than be someone else and hang onto people. Sure, I could say I love God, God is good, He loves us equally, He answers our prayers, blah, blah, blah. I could also say I’m a real social butterfly who sees tons of friends in person and that I have my own car and a full-time job outside of the house, but that would be lying to both myself and to others. Would that really be fair?

At least I’m half of what marriage means today. Like most modern marrieds we didn’t have kids, but we do share money, objects and household tasks without fussing and fighting over where things came from, who does what, or who was the one to actually bring in the money. All that matters to us is that we get the things we need in life. Yeah, he makes most of our money, but it’s still mine, too. He never washes his own clothes. I do the laundry. And no I don’t think we should do our laundry separately just because it’s 2013 and we’re supposed to be oh so independent. Why there’s so much separatism in today’s marriages is beyond me. Why get married in the first place if it’s such a sin and means you’re suddenly not independent enough if you need to “bum a ride” from your spouse? Just for the tax break?

My beliefs are far from unique, so I’m learning. Those who are either atheists or who believe God is not good are growing in numbers by the day. Can’t blame them due to all the chaos in the world. But unlike some people, I accept that we all have our own beliefs and opinions, and as long as no one tries to force theirs on me it doesn’t matter what they think and believe.

The weather has been weird. Where it had been hot as hell a few days ago, the cooler never came on yesterday until after 5pm. It was chilly in here this morning too, not being in a real house. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Some folks have asked about manufactured homes and how they’re built. Saying that they’re all flimsy as hell is just as much of a myth as it is saying men are stronger than women and women can’t build as much muscle as they can, etc. Women have more fat which they gain easier than men and can’t lose as easily as men, thus giving the impression that they’re weaker when in fact they’re not really any more or less weaker/stronger. It really depends on the individual and how fit they are, but we ladies definitely have more fat. As for the manufactured homes, they used to be built flimsy, but the newer models are built like regular houses and in some ways can be tougher than on-site homes that are elevated. This is because they’re “strapped down.” They have steel rods running along their undersides in which strips of metal are wrapped around and attached to 3’ long screws that go down into the ground.

We’re thinking of getting one of those NuWave inductive cookers when we move. Love how the element it cooks on doesn’t get hot. Only the pots and pans get hot. It also boils water in just 90 seconds.

We both agree that during the first month, we’re going to basically spend it setting up and goofing off online catching up on what we couldn’t enjoy here. I want to find a commercial-less radio station with unlimited song-skipping, though I’ll probably have to pay for it. I want to catch up on movies and other videos and enjoy uploading and downloading high-resolution desktop wallpaper pics in no time at all. I can’t wait!

But then it’s back to work and back to the days of winning enough cash and prizes to equate to a part-time job in just 3-4 hours a day every day except maybe 1-2 on Sundays. Not as many sweeps come out on Sundays.

I will also get back on with my language studies and take one more shot at losing weight. Even though I’m more of a homebody than the outdoors type, I can’t wait to be out swimming, walking, riding my bike, etc.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2013 Aly just emailed me and said she had her own way of tracing IPs and called in a favor. Well, the sender of the message about being paranoid traces to Yuba, CA where Molly’s on-and-off friend, Jenny, lives. She said she can’t be 100% sure it’s her but thinks it probably is. She gave me her FB link so I could block her. Aly said it makes sense cuz she’s not only more of an attention whore than Molly, but she once buddied up to her just to get info for Molly. So it doesn’t surprise her that she’d be a long-time reader of my blog. Harmless or not, I’m not sure I like this ongoing obsession that will NEVER die and the idea of her knowing what’s up with me whether she’s online or not. Maybe it really is time to close the doors to the public and just blog for friends or on sites like OD where no one knows me, or so I believe.

I originally thought it was Molly’s mother, although I said it was she herself who contacted me in my public blog. That oughta shock the shit out of her to read! Even if it had been her mother like I first thought, she would still tell her darling daughter how her “friend” is doing and that she’s moving soon, though I purposely stated the wrong town in public.

When I learned who it was a chill came over me. I guess it’s because my life shouldn’t be the business of some crazy, obsessed, stalking troll who will NEVER change, that’s why. I never met this person. I’m not friends with this person. I never will be friends with this person either. I have no interest in her life and she should have no interest in mine. Why do so many people focus on those that hate them? Do they really have such a lack of self-respect?

I didn’t want to go private at first because I didn’t want to lock out those following me with good intentions and genuine interest, but I’d rather deprive the Mollys, Kims and Kathys of the world the right to know what’s going on with me, even if there’s no info they could use and abuse against me than worry about followers. I’m no longer open to making any more friends anyway after having too many people turn crazy on me. I will leave public blogs public for a little while longer so people can have a chance to know what’s going on, but then I will be sharing only with friends. No, friending me under a bogus name on MO or FB won’t work. I don’t accept friend invites anymore. Ask account #1 will probably be deactivated at some point too, but for now it's set to only allow questions from members.

I realize I could stay public and just ignore any messages that come in, but I think I’d rather “cheat” these nuts out of my life and let them stew in agony over wondering what’s going on with me.

Later…

I know some would say I was letting the trolls control me by turning blogs private or friends only, but actually, I feel more like it’s me controlling them at this point. If the obsessed stalkers aren’t reading themselves, they’re ordering little informants to do so for them as I’ve learned, and well, I’d like to deprive them of their reading pleasure at least for a while. So I’m sorry Jenny won’t be able to give me her “official” diagnosis of the day and then run and tell Molly that I just took a shower and came out stinking of bleach, thanks to that damn cock up the hill that’s obsessed with the shit.

19 more days of this unfuckingbelievably noisy landlord of mine! I swear if it isn’t his mutts, it’s HIM! Also, I don’t care what Tom says, this is NOT normal. It’s not normal to hear your ONE neighbor HUNDREDS of feet away nearly every single day. I know we’ll just have to deal with them at the new place, but they can’t be hammering, sawing and coming and going all day in such loud vehicles, or leaving large dogs outdoors round the clock.

I just hope to hell nothing else breaks in the next 19 days! Everything that’s critical has already broken and been fixed, though, so if anything it just makes it easier for the next people in here. Unless the brand-new pump on the cooler blows out or the fairly new water tank springs a leak, there’s not much else that could break that’s important to us. So what if the heater broke right now? No one will know it till November.

The car’s AC is leaking again, though. Yeah, that sky bastard really, really has something against us having an air-conditioned car, doesn’t He? That’s ok, within a year or so we’ll be getting a new car and this one will be just a backup. That is unless Kathy’s beloved sky daddy throws any kinks in our plans.

Andy’s due to return from Florida today. I’m glad I didn’t hear from him while he was gone cuz that’d probably mean he was bored out of his mind. To me, a vacation shouldn’t be about doing the same things (other than eating and breathing) that you do all the time anyway, although having internet access is still good for checking accounts and looking up directions and other info like that.

SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 2013 Why is letting go so damn hard for so many people? When Kathy dropped me like a hot potato for not being a God worshiper and for daring to tell her that none of my prayers were answered way back when I assumed that meant she was done with me and didn’t want anything to do with me. Period. Instead, she’s taken Molly and Kim’s place (with the help of others) to harass me on various sites and I don’t understand why. Why can’t she just let me go if she hated me enough to drop me in the first place? Even if she came out and apologized for being so narrow-minded, intolerant and unable to accept me as I am, I would probably accept the apology, but wouldn’t want to resume our friendship because I would feel I couldn’t trust her or confide in her. Obviously, she must truly feel sorry and have some regrets for throwing me away like that or else she wouldn’t be holding on like she is, even if it’s through others. Why else would she be unable to let go if it wasn’t for missing me and for regretting that she tossed me away like that?

Well, I’m sure that if she doesn’t read this, someone she knows will. So hopefully they’ll tell her that I’m sorry she’s sorry, but no hard feelings at this point, ok? Let’s just move on like two mature, civilized adults instead of hanging on to what once was and will never be again. You may have a lot of time on your hands, Kathy, but you’ve got your life and I’ve got mine and I really thought you were better than that. Playing a few pranks on someone who did shit to you like others have is one thing, but I never did anything to you other than tell you what you didn’t believe or want to hear. No one can or will agree on everything and you should be smart enough to know that. I’m surprised at you, Kathy, really, I am. I thought you were above and beyond these childish tactics. After all, you’re the one who dumped me. Well, why’d you dump me if you knew you couldn’t let go? And why follow my blog and other sites if you were so sure you didn’t want to continue on as friends?

As I used to tell Kim and Molly before Molly got kicked offline and I got Kim in trouble, let’s just ignore each other and go our separate ways, ok? We have nothing to offer each other. You hanging onto me and contacting me through your friends is not only pointless, but it only makes me think you’re sorry and want to be friends again. Why don’t we just strike a truce instead? You don’t contact me and I won’t contact you, ok? Really, I wish you and yours the best in life but I really don’t want to hear from you again and I don’t want to have to call your local PD either. Again, I really thought you were better than that and wouldn’t waste time on people you supposedly dislike. There are plenty of other people to focus on in a positive way. So I’m asking you to please just ignore me, ok? If you really are having a kid that should be what you should be focusing your time and attention on, not those you’re no longer friends with. So… goodbye and good luck!

Yesterday was a whopping 106°! The Jes pest was hammering at 8:30 yesterday morning and I just heard some now at 9:30. I’m guessing he’s going to drive me batshit crazy next week with the weeding and other prepping projects he may have in mind to do along with his own. I really hope the next people aren’t home much or at least don’t mind that this cock is always, always outside.

Still not sure if I’ll continue blogging publicly and which blogs I’ll use if I do, but I’m not going to decide that till the move.

The connection we’ll have will be 30 times faster than what we have now!

It’s hard to believe that in just 20 days we’re going to walk on out of here. Alive and well. Yes, the two people who were pushed to the brink of death and seemingly destined to go out in body bags will walk out of here alive and in one piece. Damn, life is amazing at times!

It was this day 21 years ago that I left New England, never ever to return again. I was skinny and I could see without glasses, but I didn’t have the love and the wisdom I do now. No matter how much any God has hated me or will continue to hate me, I will always be loved by Tom and others as well. Unless He kills them all, that’s one thing He can never take away from me like He took away my right to a decent childhood and so much more both as a child and as an adult.

I was remembering how my second foster mother starved me down to just 85 pounds. That alone is enough to let a person know they are hated from above, but thanks to my foster sister (she knows who she is) I was able to escape that place with my life as well cuz she was a lot bigger and tougher than I was. LOL, still is, too. But I escaped the same as I will this place after God let the economy damn near kill Tom and I both. Funny cuz His “killer economy” is also what dropped these 50K houses down to 28K, making it much easier for us to follow the yellow brick road home.

I’m standing there now on the very edge of that road, a place I never dared dream I would ever stand at any time again in my life. I’m not going to walk down this road as soon as we sign the papers and receive the keys. I’m going to run like hell down it as if the ghost of my evil mother is chasing me!

Later…

“If God hates you why would the police care about you?” Kathy asked me on Ask.

If God loves her why would the police NOT care about her? How does she know that if she doesn’t stop her relentless harassment done anonymously or through bogus email addies the cops won’t care enough about HER and putting a stop to it? Yeah, she should think about that, shouldn’t she?

I didn’t read her “feedback” on MD but saw the bogus addy in the email alert I got. I won’t be picking up any more feedback there no matter who it says it’s from, so if this angry and possibly still pregnant bitch doesn’t have anything better to do than waste time spewing all this hate that I still can’t fathom for the life of me (because I disagree on God?), then let her waste her time and let her set a wonderful example for the rugrat. It’s her time, isn’t it? I almost hope the miscarriage rumors aren’t true, cuz then she wouldn’t have much time to harass people online so much, would she, if she’s bogged down with a kid? Meanwhile, she’s welcome to start her own blog saying every mean, nasty, untrue and imagined thing she wants about me, but I’m not going to read her vicious delusions and childish gibberish that come in here anymore.

I had no idea Kathy was such an angry person. Where did all this hate, anger and immaturity come from? And WHY? Because I don’t agree with her on God? What’s she gonna do if she does have kids and they turn out atheist or something? Is she gonna dump them and then harass them every chance she gets?

Well, I’m not running! I’m not going to make any of my blogs private unless I decide to, and if I do, it will have nothing to do with Kathy.

I asked her nicely to please let me go. After all, she’s the one that dumped me. This is the first stalker I’ve ever had who’s not only supposedly sane despite how angry she is, but who dumped me first. So if she dumped me then why is she still hanging on? If I’m that horrible of a person, why bother? Isn’t the normal thing to do when you don’t like someone to just ignore them?

Or maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe this isn’t hate for my own hate for God. Maybe she had a thing for me all along and I just never knew it. This type of behavior is also typical of a “scorned lover” or a crush. I’ve done enough studying on bullies and whatnot. Maybe she’s had or came to have a crush on me, can’t handle it cuz she’s so conservative, and it’s freaking her out and into lashing out at me. Unfamiliar feelings can really make a person uncomfortable and do strange things. Who can ever know for sure what goes through these nutjob’s minds? All I do know for sure is that the “stable, kind, sweet, caring, sensitive, accepting, tolerant, open-minded” Kathy doesn’t exist. Sure thought she did for a while, though, but thinking back on how we played with Molly; that was far from her first time based on what she told me. “I never tell Aly when I fuck with Molly,” she had told me, obviously not wanting her to know. But now that she’s so coldly dumped me and then started harassing me (for whatever reason) I don’t feel obligated to keep her dirty little secrets. The point is, she’s obviously been into cyberbullying on and off for some time now cuz she and Molly go WAY back.

Presently, I wonder if she’s having a breakdown of some kind that’s causing her to behave this way. If she really did miscarry then maybe it’s making her feel better to lash out at anyone and everyone, and what better person to take it out on than the person who dared to confide in her and admit she’s no fan of God’s and has no respect, faith or love for the bastard whatsoever. Can’t like God as long as He puts angry trolls like Kathy on this earth.

Well, she may not be done with me, but I’M done with HER. I’m not going to give this sicko the negative attention it craves anymore than I would with other trolls! Sometimes we just gotta end what others won’t. I’m not going to delete past mentions of her here. After all, this is a diary, journal, blog - whatever you want to call it. But I think I might wipe her out of my Ask Q&A’s.

Later…

I told Aly what was going on and she asked about it, too. I asked if there was any Kathy info she could give me that she thought might be helpful in getting this bitch off my ass. I told her I was going to try ignoring her shit for now. Ask is back to non-anonymous and I’m not going to update MD with current stuff for a while. What’s scary is that she’s following my old stuff. Past, backdated entries, I mean. That’s not easy to do unless you specifically look for certain dates or catch it on the stream. You can have MD notify you when diaries are updated (if you’re a registered member), but it doesn’t link you to the entries themselves. Oh, wait a minute! She’s subbied to the RSS feed.

It’s way cooler today than it was yesterday. Yesterday we had the cooler on high for hours, but today it’s on low and is cycling on and off. Tomorrow’s supposed to be even cooler, making a nearly 30-degree drop in two days.

Later…

Got some interesting feedback for a change from… Mrs. M? They used a bogus addy and didn’t sign their name. Well, of course, right? rolls eyes Why are so many people afraid or at least reluctant to face me? I don’t bite. Really, I don’t. Whoever it was said: Paranoid schizophrenic. Not totally. But enough. No harm meant. Just an observation after reading for a long time. Knew the house was yours. Enjoy. But you will find reasons to complain. No half-full glass for you. But you, do you, really well. You are so lonely I could cry. Be well, and prosper. These are the good ole’ days. Peace. ~B~

LOL. Hey, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you, as the old saying goes. But yeah, I’ve got a degree of paranoia in me. Always have. When you’re afraid to go home after school for fear of your mother smacking the shit out of you, it has a way of instilling paranoia in you. Not saying this to try to make anyone feel sorry for me, but just making a point.

And yeah, I’m a complainer. Why? Well, I guess the “experts” may be inclined to say that it’s probably because I was forced to stifle my emotions as a child and therefore I feel compelled to let it all out, so to speak, as an adult. And you know what? I’m not going to stop, and I make no apologies for the way I am. As long as I don’t break any laws, then I can be the biggest complainer, bitch and paranoid schizo on earth. :) Without any guilt or shame.

What I don’t get is the “You are so lonely I could cry” line. She said she’s been reading for a long time, so shouldn’t she know I’m married? But married and lonely? I suppose some wives could feel that way if they’re neglected enough, but I’m far from neglected and lonely. :)

Well, thanks for the complisults, and you’re right, I do me well and I’m proud of it, too. :)

Again I wonder if it could be Mrs. M, but she supposedly hates my guts so why would she want to follow my blog? Then again, that’s what I wondered with a few others who have expressed their profound hatred for me as well. I seem to attract just as many readers and followers who don’t like me as I do who do like me. I always did say, you either love me or you hate me. There’s rarely an in-between and people don’t usually just like me. That’s the way it usually is with me. I guess I’m an addiction of sorts.

Do I hate Mrs. M? Nah. I don’t like how it took her forever to get a certain someone offline and into the help they need, but better later than never. She may be well educated, but she’s kinda scary and so I would prefer to stay away from her and like it when she does the same. I appreciate the well wishes (if they’re sincere), but now it’s onward and through the fog… to fill my half-empty water glass. No, no, no! I meant my half-full water glass! I really did. I swear!

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2013 Just 3 more weeks to go! It’s going to be 104° today but only 79° on Monday. The only sucky thing about having it be cooler during the week is that it helps pave the way for the Jes pest to be outdoors making a racket, but by then he’ll only have 19 days left to possibly get on my nerves.

I can’t wait to set up the new place and take tons of pics! But it won’t be 100% set up the way we want it to be the day we move in, of course. It may be a year or two before we recarpet and refloor the kitchen and baths. We’ll be picking out some new furniture right away, but the styles and colors will depend on what carpet I’ll eventually want to lay down. Then again, we also have to wait and see what furniture they leave us, LOL.

I’m looking forward to so many little things. Not just big things like having a fast, reliable connection after half a decade, but little things like rearranging our file box, getting an additional bathmat for the second bath, using our brand new towels, and being able to wash dishes in the dishwasher.

I’m glad we won’t need a shower curtain there. I hate shower curtains as opposed to doors. I’m also so glad we’ll have a full-size washer and dryer hooked up and ready for us to use. Damn, I miss that! Haven’t had that since 2004! June 12th will mark 9 years since we last owned a place. That was the day we left Maricopa and turned our 1999, 2100-square-foot home over to an investor and left. I’ll never forget the day I so tearfully stepped out of that house and into the RV filled with mixed emotions. We were glad to go, but I knew I’d miss some aspects of it. Had I known our plans to build a dome house on Bly Mountain in Oregon were to completely go to hell, I think I’d have totally cracked up that day as we slowly wound our way out of the desert and on up to timber country.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2013 What would I do without Aly? She not only helps make up for the assholes of this world, but she makes for a wonderful informant as well. Not only did she tip me off on Mary’s account not being deactivated, but she thinks the whacky feedback I got on MD yesterday could be from Kathy’s brother. His rapper name is Young Toro and his thing is to write “creatively” and metaphorically like he did and make sure his gibberish rhymes.

If it weren’t for the person going on and on about Kathy on Ask, I just may suspect Dorene, since the writing is too intelligent to come from Kim. Dorene’s the type to harass those she has issues with because she used to proudly boast and brag on her wall when we were friends all about how she’d stalk and badger her exes and friends she either dumped or dumped her.

Would Kathy harass people? I KNOW she would because she and I are both guilty of harassing Molly, I’m sorry to say. So yeah, she would harass people or use others to do her dirty work for her. I left a few anonymous insults on Molly’s blog way back when with her (sorry!), but then felt bad about it because I knew I was stooping to Molly’s level. Well, I didn’t want to become what she and Kim were, so I pulled back and simply watched Kathy tease and insult her from the sidelines.

Toro asked why I was answering questions about her on Ask if I’m over her. Well, why is SHE having her family come at me if SHE’S over ME? She threw me away in a heartbeat simply for having different opinions and experiences after I stupidly trusted her enough to confide in her about how I prayed for so many things just to be ignored. I think Kathy is a spoiled little princess who has had everything granted to her and therefore she lacks empathy for those less fortunate. But why dump someone if you can’t let go of them?

Someday her precious God will take her down a peg or two and she will learn the true meaning of heartache and loss and what it’s like to not be able to obtain something in life. The bastard above will say, “No! Just fucking no, puta! You can’t have every single fucking thing you want in life. I don’t care how right, fair and correct it may be, this time you’re going to learn to do without!”

Then what will she think of her God? The same God that sits back and allows innocent kids to be killed and all kinds of other bad things to happen?

Other than the fact that Kathy had a beautiful smile and that she and Adam will probably make good parents (don’t know how they’ll afford it but I’m sure they’ll have plenty of friends and family ready to hand over anything they may need) I don’t care what happens to Kathy from here on out. Walking down the street and seeing someone kick her brood right outa her supersized gut wouldn’t faze me any more than seeing someone water their yard would.

Mark my words, though. I’m NOT a forgiving person, I will NEVER be Kathy’s friend again, and I AM over her. As long as she and her people don’t make trouble for me, there will be no reason to ever mention her ever again. The only one who can choose to let go or hang on from here on out is HER.

Later…

Andy’s going to Florida till the 10th. I hope he has a fun time! He asked why Tom wasn’t scheduling the Internet to be turned on upon our arrival in our new home, and so I asked Tom about that. He is going to schedule it, but first he needs to know exactly when the people there will be gone. We’ll buy the new modem and router on Amazon, then have the office make the switch, then we’ll hook things up when we get over there. We could lease their modems, but then it’d cost more.

We’re also getting insurance. We had a choice of getting a plan for $200 that gives you any money back that you’ve already spent on the house if it ever burned down, then there’s a $450 plan that replaces the house with anything up to a value of $84,000. We decided to go for the second plan.

Gotta go sign the park lease next Thursday. sighs There’s always something to pay even if your place is all paid for – space rent, HMO fees, co-op fees, property tax, etc. It’s all the same, just with different names and amounts.

Sometimes I think I should start following the news a little more closely and especially the celebs so I can know who the hell Andy’s talking about when he mentions them. It’s just that the news has always bored or depressed me, and I haven’t been a celebrity worshiper in eons. The older I got the more I came to see them as just people. They may be famous and sometimes they make a lot of money, but they’re just people. So unless you’ve got brains, maturity and something really interesting to say, I’m bound to see most famous people the same as the nobodies.

He asked if Paris Jackson’s suicide attempt prompted me to share my thoughts on the matter the other day, but nope. Not only did I not know who the hell she was till I googled her, but much of my writing is spontaneous. Whatever comes to mind that I feel like writing about, I will write about. Some of it is inspired by people and invents, of course, like what’s going on in my life and those I’m close to, but sometimes it’s totally random and just because I love to write.

I have no idea why, but Jesse (could’ve been the kid) buzzed by on the ATV yesterday afternoon. groans Projects, projects, projects. They’re bound to start any day now. Maybe not until next week, though, since it’s to be in the triple digits. Right now it’s driving me crazy gunning the shit out of the fucking motorcycle. I cranked up the music, but am going to have to think of other alternatives to deal with the one I gotta deal with diagonally from us in the park since loud music isn’t allowed there.

Later…

It’s a super hot day at 103°. It’s not usually this hot until late July/early August. Tom got home earlier than usual and is going over the paperwork for the home insurance thing.

We’re at 17% on propane, another thing I won’t have to worry about anymore. I was worried there’d be too much left in the tank when we left and that we’d basically end up paying for the next people to shower, cook, and possibly heat themselves too, depending on the time of year. I also worried the Jes pest would be overpaid if we were to leave significantly earlier than we thought we would.

Tom told me he read that Richard Ramirez died of liver failure. Well, that’s good cuz San Quentin obviously had no plans to do the right thing and execute the crazy fuck. The families of the victims must be cheering. I don’t blame them.

Was on a posting frenzy the last two days, but now I think I’ll go continue on with the book I’m reading, The Answer to Your Question.

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2013 I was observing a discussion on suicide and found that there really are a few people, who like me, agree that it isn’t always so cut and dry. Sure, we’d like to think that suicide is never an option under any circumstances and that things can and will always get better. But can they always? Or are there perhaps some situations where things can’t possibly improve? Situations that are so miserable that suicide is an alternative that is a blessing as opposed to continued suffering? I used to be a very black-and-white person and insisted that things had to be one way or the other and that was that. Period. There was no room for any argument in my mind. There are still some issues in which I feel that way. A woman should always have a full bag of rights to her body. There’s nothing to doubt, reason, bargain or argue about there.

But there really are some cases in which death is better than life. Naturally, it’s a matter of opinion, but I’m talking about the terminally ill who suffer in pain every day with no hope of a cure. Until you’re faced with possible life or death situations, you don’t rethink certain things you were so sure of before. Such things as we had to face like the possibility of dying a slow miserable death on the streets, or a quick one in the comfort of our own bed if no one was going to give him a job. I know that if I were suddenly faced with life in prison (whether I was guilty or not of whatever landed me there) I’d prefer death because that would simply be no life for me.

Again, I realize it’s a matter of opinion, but maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge those who do take their lives. Agreeing that it’s too bad that it came to that is ok. But do we really have a right to judge WHY they took their lives and whether or not it was right or wrong? Can we really say life would’ve gotten better for them?

Experiencing certain things and hearing about other people’s situations can really open your mind and make you realize that not everything in life is so black and white. There really are some gray areas and some exceptions to the rule.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2013 Alison knows and understands how I feel about Kathy and how some people get it all. She admits that she’s had secret wishes that a few people would lose their kids, but not Kathy. Still, she says that Kathy is obnoxious going on and on all about “little blueberry” and she wishes she wouldn’t post so much about it. Not everyone’s into little kids, as she says, and she doesn’t like it being crammed down her throat. That’s how I felt too, and I had to block her from my newsfeed before she dumped me. It was too much like having religious hogwash thrown in my face day after day. So she kinda picked a good time to dump me. Still, if there is a God up there playing favorites as it seems to be the case with Kathy, I wish it would say “NO!” to her for once and let her finally learn at 30-something years old what it’s like to not be able to get every single thing you want in life. So while I don’t doubt she’d make a good mom, I still wish God would say, “No! Just fucking no!” Then kick the bun outa her oven, never to allow any more to enter it ever again. But once you get to the third or fourth month, it’s unlikely you’ll have a miscarriage.

Alison wonders how they’ll live since Adam’s a teacher and teachers don’t make much money. Also, Kathy’s a sub and she’s off for the summer. Oh, I’m sure they have plenty of friends and family who will be quick to hand over anything they’ll need.

The palpitations are back. They’re most noticeable at the end of the day. Ironically they started up the day we learned we were accepted into the park, but it’s harmless. Just annoying at times. It’s probably due to being excited and nervous. Although I’m sure Tom’s right in saying I’ll be able to sleep just fine there, I gotta see it to actually lose my nervousness. I’m not used to having so many people close by, and if I happen to be woken up regularly when I’m on nights due to this, this or that, I’m kinda fucked. Lack of sleep is something I don’t function well on. But I should be fine on days.

Tammy left a message yesterday. She’s dealing with Mark’s health issues now, and then in the fall, she’ll be going to a hospital about her lungs. I asked her if it was really wise to wait that long, but that could be a good thing. I mean, wouldn’t it go to show she’s not that critical after all? I hope not! Maybe they won’t need to do a transplant. Maybe they can stop her from losing any more lung capacity, but what do I know?

I smiled when she said she and Mark would be “hurt” if they couldn’t be the first to send a housewarming gift. I told them that while that was sweet of them, they didn’t have to send anything since we’ll still have a lot of money in savings. We just don’t want to spend much money at first in case of an emergency. We’ll furnish the place a little at a time, though we will get a living room set right away. Not everything needs replacing. The bed is just fine. We’ve got a decent enough kitchen table. Only problem is it’ll look like doll furniture in the dining room there, LOL, so our little 2-seater will be replaced with a 4-seater. Some things we don’t want to replace or buy right away with or without money because we want to live in the place for a while and get a feel for how we want things and where we want them.

Tom said not to get my hopes up, but Brenda asked if we needed any beds, tools, etc. Tom told her that we didn’t want to spend more money till we’d been there a few months, but that we would love whatever they felt like leaving. A bed for the second bedroom would be nice, and even though most of the furniture wouldn’t be my first choice style-wise, we could use it. Anything we didn’t like or couldn’t use could be picked up by the Goodwill later on. Their kids and grandkids are helping them move out, so there’s no need to worry about them not having enough help. Again, I feel mixed emotions for them. I’m grateful for whatever they leave us, I’m sad for them because they probably don’t really want to leave, but I also see them as intruders at this point. Get out of our house!

Since Tammy insisted, I gave her a few ideas like wind chimes. I’m going to have a lot more room for those there! I may want to get bigger ones so I can hear them through the thicker walls and dual-paned windows.

Later…

Nane’s going to Spain and I’m happy for her! Although it may not be her first choice I can see where all that would matter would be getting some sun after being rained on for so long. It’s the first trip she’s going on that I feel a touch of envy. :) I wouldn’t mind tagging along and I could be her interpreter too, haha. I guess she’ll be gone when the move takes place, but that’s a good time for her to take off cuz I won’t be online much at that time anyway, which reminds me of something I want to point out. During the tail end of June and beginning of July, if you have trouble reaching me it’s not that I’m ignoring you. I’m just preoccupied with moving and setting up the new place, is all, plus there’ll be more outdoor activities for me to enjoy there as well. Don’t know how soon we’ll be back online, but we’ll have the hot spot for checking email. Blogs and such will wait till we get our regular connection, though, cuz uploading and downloading take up too much bandwidth. I’ll still prepare entries in Word and will have them ready for publication as soon as they can be published.

24 days and counting! I am both excited and nervous. :) A part of me will always resent how shabbily we’ve lived for so long, especially since it was so undeserving. Had we been drunks, druggies, lazies and people who just didn’t give a rat’s ass, including ours, then we’d have gotten what we deserved – someone else’s trashy trailer. It was a wonderful escape after 8 months of motel life in a seedy section of Sac but for half a decade?! Well, we’ll never let any economy, circumstances, fate or evil God make bums of us again, that’s for sure! My God, it pisses me off to think of how long we’ve had to live this way and go without the simplest of things in life, things most people take for granted. As I always said, it isn’t those who work hard getting good things they deserve in life I have a problem with, it’s those working hard who DON’T get good things they too, deserve that pisses me off.

Someone asked on Ask if I thanked God we’re moving. rolls eyes Actually I thank my husband’s hard work, good-paying job, and my inheritance. To quote what I told them, why would I thank an invisible entity that has nothing to do with us moving? The house was built by PEOPLE. The park it’s in was established by PEOPLE. So… God has nothing to do with this, folks. If anything God’s fought to stop this day from happening and a part of me worries about little “punishments” to come for getting our way, even though we know it should be the other way around and the house should be the compensation for having to struggle for so damn long. But I’m not going to let anything or anyone take this place away from us. We lost two places and that’s it!

Tom read the park rules and said the only thing in it that might rub me the wrong way is that they ask that you don’t go to the pool alone. Well, not everyone there is old and feeble, but since so many of them are, I understand this request. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is the allowing of motorcycles. That just seems all wrong and totally defeats the purpose of why people want to live there. At least we won’t have to worry about loud music. I realized why it bugs me so much and that’s because it’s not “music.” All I hear is the thump of the drums or the base and so it’s noise, not music. And annoying too, like someone’s pounding or hammering somewhere.

I haven’t seen it yet, but Tom’s got a diagram of all the plants on the property so we know what’s ours. I figure the low cement wall is the property marker, but at least there is only 1 of 4 sides to have to figure out whose stuff is whose.

The Jes pest, who Tom called yesterday to inform him of the official dates, was hammering this morning, probably on his deck. I’m sure the barrage of prepping projects is going to start anytime now too, though it’s going to be super hot this week.

Later…

I answered the question of the day on Ask #1 which asks who’s the funniest person you know with: Anyone who dares kick Kathy in the gut and shows the spoiled princess she can’t get every single fucking thing she wants in life.

“Are you serious?” someone later asked. How would they know that gut was carrying her precious “little blueberry” unless it was Kim or Kathy herself?

Also, someone over there took the liberty of sending me a long list of mental illnesses, their names and their descriptions, but of course it was sent from a bogus email address. scratches head thoughtfully And they sent this because…?

Later…

Not much to do right now so I thought I’d voice my opinion on Nancy Grace. If you’re like most people you mostly see the media as legal gossip mongers acting like “popular” high school bullies who seem to be able to say anything they want and get away with it. So what if it’s the word of those they’ve never taken the time to verify, or if it may be completely fabricated altogether?

I don’t know everything about the Jodi Arias case but I know enough. It’s kind of hard to help when it’s all over the place. However, I’m a little disturbed by Nancy’s obsession with Jodi. Telling the facts as a reporter is one thing. Going on and on with repetitious, relentless, and never-ending verbal bashing, no matter how true it may be and how much the person may deserve it, can’t possibly be very productive or healthy. It’s too high schoolish. You know, like the popular student who jumps online every chance she gets to bash her fellow students who are anything but popular?

We all know Jodi Arias is a cold-blooded killer, and I’m sorry she probably won’t get the death penalty, but enough is enough already! Aren’t there other people, places and subjects to discuss? Nancy’s already stated the facts and she’s already voiced her hatred and opinion of Jodi, but then she goes and interviews Jodi’s cellmates to see what they think of her. Who cares what they think of her! Yet it’s like Nancy just can’t move on. She is in one video or article after another saying the same vicious things. Again, I don’t doubt that they’re true, and I’m certainly no fan of Jodi’s, but my God! Does it actually make Nancy feel better to bash people over and over again? Is her own life that boring and does she perhaps feel that insecure and inadequate about her own self that she feels the constant need to do this sort of thing? I just wonder these things when I see the media cut into people over and over with seemingly no end in sight.

I feel bad for the families, though, and not just the victim’s family. Jodi’s parents have to be ashamed, embarrassed and downright heartbroken over her conviction. So to have to have the constant reminders of the media vultures must be one helluva nightmare for those poor people.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2013 “Hey, Short Shit,” my dead father called out to me in my dreams last night. Not something he usually called me in real life. Shorty, Shrimp or Midget was more like it. Nonetheless, I got into an argument with my deceased dad over deadbeat aunts and uncles. He was going on and on about how his aunts and uncles never seemed to care about him or wanted to be an aunt or an uncle to him in any way.

“Dad,” I said, “you don’t need to tell me all about aunts and uncles that don’t give a damn about their nieces or nephews. I know.”

He looked at me in a disapproving way and said he’d see about us “getting together.”

“It’s too late, Dad. If they wanted to know me they would have by now. No hard feelings at this point, and I really do wish them the best, but I don’t want to know them anymore than they want to know me. There are better things in life than deadbeat family and toxic friends.”

In the next dream, both parents were alive and well. Only I was thinking about how my mother killed her parents. She did no such thing when she was alive, of course, and they actually died of old age-related issues. Still, in the dream she had killed them, though I don’t know why. Everyone else believed it was due to natural causes that they died, but my dream self was thinking how oh-so typical it was of Dad to protect her by not saying anything. I thought about going to the authorities but didn’t think it’d do me much good, and was never much of a nark anyway.

Facebook is really pissing me off with all its glitches. Sent messages don’t get sent, wall posts remain invisible, comments go unseen, and so on and so forth. I almost can’t wait for the day they start charging users cuz I’m outa there as soon as they do.

So why is Philip ignoring me? He’s viewed some journal entries posted to my group, but he still isn’t sending messages or posting to my walls or anything. Cat got his tongue, or is FB just seeing to it that messages and posts go unseen?

Later…

Wow, we’re gonna hit 104° this Saturday. It’s definitely getting hotter and drier each year here. Wonder if it’s going to become like Arizona.

Although I heard a slew of loud vehicles up the hill yesterday, the Jes pest never came down here. That’s ok. In about 25 days we’re out of here! Although I don’t think I can do it I’m gonna try my hardest to stay on days until after the move. I really hope those who say that time has no meaning in the afterlife are right! Especially after living in a world where time is everything while you’re one of about every 10,000 whose body disagrees.

Anyway, we plan to give notice saying we should be out by the 5th, though we actually hope to be out on Tom’s birthday on the 28th. He put in for that Friday, plus the following Monday off, so that gives us 4 days to get moved. Tom hates driving big trucks, so this way we rent a smaller one and if we can’t fit everything in it in one sweep, we have time to make a few extra runs. Because we’re not taking the shed, we got a truck that’s 10’ long.

We decided not to bother with spraying and having the carpet cleaned beforehand so Tom doesn’t have to take any more time off from work. We’ll bomb when we get there if need be, throw the rats in the workshop, then do some shopping or eating or whatever during the time we need to be out of the house. Also, we can rent a carpet cleaner for $30 if we want. This way he’ll still have plenty of days off for Hawaii. Just think, a house and Hawaii all in the same year!!!

I wonder how many neighbors will come out to greet us out of nosy curiosity when we move in? Hopefully not too many! Being polite and exchanging hellos when we see each other here and there is one thing, but we’re going there to live, not to make friends and potential trouble too close to home. But if it were a hot-looking woman…

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013 When I awoke I said to myself, please don’t let it be the other way around where yesterday’s letter was just a dream while in reality we’re still waiting, hoping and dreaming of getting into the park/house!

But what happened yesterday really did happen and in 30-38 days we’re going home!!! squeals with delight Tom came home from picking up the mail with a smile on his face.

“Anything good?” I asked.

“Well, if you consider them accepting us into the park, then yes.”

Instead of my face flooding with tears of joy or shouting with delight, my whole body went rigid with shock and then started vibrating like an old lonely lady’s vibrator in the middle of a cold dark night. “Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!!” was all I could mutter.

We weren’t expecting a letter so soon. We were expecting a phone call next week instead. Tom’s first thought was that they rejected us, figuring that they couldn’t have approved us that fast and must’ve stumbled upon something really bad right away, though we couldn’t imagine what.

Logic told me we’d get the place since we do meet their requirements as strict as they are, but only until he read the letter of acceptance to me could I finally move on from hoping we’ll get the house to hoping we’ll be as happy as we think we will be there. Remember, Maricopa turned out to be a disaster, and of course Oregon fell apart, too. I know I shouldn’t live in the past, but that, plus the poverty we went through, has given me a lifelong case of PTSD. No matter how much money we have – and we estimate we’ll still have at least 4K in savings after the move – I’m still going to worry about that. I’ll never forget a letter of a very different kind he read to me on September 16th of 2011 that literally made my heart jump into my throat and then sink to the pit of my stomach in a physical way that no bad news had ever done before.

I still can’t believe that we, the people who seemed so, so destined to go out of here in body bags, will be going home to a NICE home in a FANCY park!!! You don’t have to be rich to live at LV, but you do have to have some money. Just surviving to see this day happen is truly incredible! We searched and searched our minds less than two years ago for ways to survive. But everything we came up with looked utterly impossible. When no one will give you a job and your government won’t take care of you, what’s left? I couldn’t have cut it on the streets in my 20s, so I’d say we’re definitely way too old for that sort of thing in our 40s and 50s, and so, so glad it didn’t come to that after coming so frighteningly close!

Tom and I both agree that the day the phone rang with a job in the nick of time was definitely the biggest coincidence of our lives. Most things don’t need a reason to happen. They just happen. Period. I know most people want to believe there’s a reason because it’s easier to be able to explain things, but I think most things happen just because. But that day surely made us wonder if perhaps the spirits of our deceased loved ones bailed us out in the end – since if any God existed it had already shown us we were nothing in its eyes and couldn’t care less if we lived or died – as they’re the only ones who would have cared enough to save our asses. Not just that but because of the job itself. It wasn’t just enough to get by on, it was more than enough to change our lives forever and keep my sister from being able to say she lost both parents AND both siblings.

Assholes or not it will be weird not being able to call my parents to tell them all about the new house, and I wonder if they can “see” it from wherever they are if they somehow still exist. I’ll never forgive them for the hell they inflicted upon me as a child, but I can definitely say that other than the time they sent me to Arizona in ‘92, then pulled us off the streets of Sacramento in ‘07, that they have certainly been more helpful to me dead than alive. I hope they can see where we are right now and are ashamed and disgusted with themselves for letting us live like this for so long when there was so much more they could’ve done to help us. Oh, I can’t wait to shoot the before and after pics!

So much more to write, but this entry’s getting kinda long, so I’ll save it for later!

Later…

After being nipped in the ass by a playful rat while trying to work my abs, I’m now going to do some writing before I eat and tackle some housework. And deal with what I’m sure will be a very annoying landlord now that it knows we’re leaving. LOL, but soon he’ll be just a memory!

Brandy really let a few loud ones rip last night at around 3am. Maybe it woke Jesse from nightmares of his future tenants chasing him through these woods with an ax, haha.

So many thoughts and emotions run through my mind at this time. I’m excited, nervous and happy. I look forward to so many things in our new home, both big and small. I just hope we don’t find out that next door has a motorcycle that was out at the times we were there, or that they don’t plan to get one the day we move in. I know it may be hard for anyone without my type of sleep issues to understand why I worry about being able to sleep well there when I’m on nights, especially being the insanely light sleeper that I am, but that’s ok. I figure I don’t owe any explanations anyway, right? But since I don’t have the blessing of being able to sleep at night every night, and I’m not like Tom who could sleep through a marching band, it’s definitely something I worry about. Not too much, but I do worry a little. At least there shouldn’t be that many distractions while I’m awake, though I still expect to hear more than I do here since there are more people.

I’m SO glad we got outbid on the last house! I almost suggested we not bother with this park because I didn’t think we stood a chance as nice as it is.

The “nice man and the young lady” taking over the house kind of feels bad for the old couple in it now (whose status has been officially upgraded to intruder in my mind) because they probably hate to go. It’s sad to think that they’re giving up the home they were probably in for many years just to go to an assisted living apartment to begin the end of their lives.

Well, I’m not going to smoke up their house, that’s for sure. So I’m burning what’s left of my incense like crazy. Anyone want some honeysuckle?

Just a little over a month left with this slow, unreliable connection! And oh what fun I’ll have swimming, riding my bike around the park, learning new languages, and just having some SPACE! To be in a spacious home that isn’t as old or older than I am is going to be pure heaven. It’s worth a few annoyances and distractions so long as I can sleep.

Later…

Mary checked my email again when she got up yesterday morning, but there hasn’t been anything from Maliheh. She’s had absolutely nothing to say to me about my final message to her and that pretty much tells me something about her right there. That I was right on with my suspicions. She was never a friend.

Today is Becky’s 26th birthday, and yesterday morning I got to hear Sarah on the radio promoting her charity event. She was a guest on a local radio station to help raise money for St. Jude’s Hospital. She sounded a bit gruff but confident. She kind of reminded me of my friend Paula.

There’s been flooding in parts of Germany, but fortunately, Nane’s not in any danger. I knew they were cold and rainy for June, but I had no idea about the flooding. I read some news articles (in German, of course) she shared on the crisis. So I got to learn about what’s going on in parts of Europe and practice my German reading.

Created a group on Facebook to share journals with my closest FB friends, but didn’t add Andy or Adonis cuz they prefer to read my posts elsewhere. Not sure I like it yet. I like how I can see who checks out what, though. It’s a secret group. Groups have 3 levels. Open, closed and secret, and mine’s secret, which means only members can see it and leave comments. If you’re a Facebook friend of mine and you haven’t received an invite to the group but would like to be a member, let me know and I will add you.

Just to clarify things for those who have been curious, the park is set up very much like co-op living. But instead of the monthly payment being called co-op, fee or whatever, it’s called space rent. It covers more than just the space your home is on, though. It helps pay for the cost of keeping the pools, Jacuzzis, clubhouses, roads, gates, security, lake, trees and other amenities going. So it’s very similar to co-op living.

One thing I’m going to love is how much more stable the temperature inside the house will be. No more cold nights and warm days. Metal rooftops run alongside both long sides of the house, which will definitely help keep it cooler, and there’s a big awning in front. Only the back doesn’t have anything but that’s because there are no windows back there. All that’s back there are the bedroom closets and hot water tank. I hate having to sleep with a mask over my eyes cuz it’s so damn bright in here when I sleep during the daytime. This is because here we have a swamp cooler rather than an AC and so I have to keep the back window cracked, which gets hit by the afternoon sun.

The tentative plan is for him to work till he’s 70 and put our pension money in our 401K until then. That way, between what he gets and my pension and whatever else, we’ll be looking at retiring with about 3K a month. That’s almost what he makes now! Plus, if we do decide to stay at LV forever, our space rent is locked in. So only other things could go up in cost between now and 14 years from now. As Tom said, it’s scary to think he’ll be 70 in 14 years! His dad would’ve been 101 last month if he were still alive.

I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I hear the Jes pest buzzing around on its ATV right now. Let me guess… it’s gonna be down here any second, right?

SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 2013 Is this the month? Is this the month we go home or at least find out when we are? I really hope this is it! I feel like we’ve been waiting for years. There’s so much we’ve wanted to do for so long that either couldn’t be done until we moved or that we chose to put off until then. I just want to get on with it already!

In screening and publishing old journal excerpts, I realize I could really be stupid, immature and naïve at times when I was younger. I suppose a lot of us look back on our younger selves when we get older and laugh. But some of it isn’t very funny. I spent too much time considering others and not enough considering myself. There’s a good way to be selfish, like being true to yourself, and there’s a bad way to be selfish, like sitting on your ass and doing nothing at all to help a friend in need that you know damn well you can afford to help.

I spent too much time trying to make like I was ok with things I wasn’t at all ok with, and due to trying to just put a smile on my face and simply shrug and roll with the punches, I lost out on some things. These things may never have been mine to have to begin with had they not been meant to be, but I could really kick myself for either trying to please others and not standing up for myself as often as I should have. I was just too damn nice and too damn forgiving and part of that is why I got so taken advantage of at times. People just don’t appreciate kindness. Instead, they see it as an opportunity to pounce like vultures to get what they want, be it in the name of greed, jealousy or just plain hate.

I ranted, raved and bitched quite a bit throughout the years, often about the same thing, but I did it as a therapeutic means. Where some listen to music and others like to drink, I bitch in print. I may feel silly, stupid and even a touch embarrassed for some of the things I’ve written, but one thing I will never feel is guilt. Right or wrong, selfish or not, my feelings, beliefs, opinions, tastes, goals and thoughts are one thing I’ll never feel guilty for. Our minds are the only place we have total freedom. There are no laws or rules in our minds, no matter how wrong and even sick some may consider some of our thoughts to be. In my mind, I’m free to imagine anything I want with absolutely no consequences to face, and I never have to share what’s in that imagination if I don’t want to. I’m free to do anything I want there. I’m free to love. I’m free to hate. Even free to kill.

Later…

I saw that Mary finally picked up the email I sent her, but I still don’t want anything to do with her and I appreciate the fact that she, Molly, Kim and Kathy have been leaving me alone. I STILL can’t believe Kathy dumped me for disagreeing with her on God! I know this may be the cruelest thing to say, and as I told Aly, she may want to slap me for it, but I hope she loses that baby. I honestly do! I am so, so sick of seeing some people get it all (LITERALLY) while people like Aly and I struggle our asses off just to get nowhere. It’s like all Kathy has to do is just want something and it’s hers. There may be a bit of a delay, but in the end, if God does play favorites, she sure is His spoiled little princess, isn’t she? Well, I think it’s high time she was taken down a peg or two. The only thing she seems to have going against her is her weight, but not even that much seems to bother her. Really, I would love to see her precious God kick that bun right out of her oven and not allow anymore to enter it unless He keeps on kicking. And no, I don’t care if she knows how I feel. I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t harassed me in some way. Do you know that she loved to harass Molly on and off, I asked Aly, and that she begged me not to tell her? Well, after what she did to me I sure as hell don’t feel obligated to keep her little secrets.

I was reading back on how a prayer counselor was telling me back when I wanted a kid that God promotes that kind of thing and that all I have to do is ask, and He’ll grant anything that’s fair, correct and reasonable. OMG, what bull fucking shit! What wasn’t “fair, correct or reasonable” about two people asking to have a child?!”

Anyway, Aly’s doing just horribly. She didn’t get the job she wanted, her hours may be cut where she currently works, her skin is broken out, she can’t sleep, she’s depressed, overwhelmed and feeling hopeless, and lastly, she gets laughed at by some kid selling tickets at a movie theater and called a retard for stuttering. At least she reported the fucker.

On top of all that, her Facebook account was hacked by what she suspects may be friends of Molly’s due to the types of messages she’s been getting. They even messaged a friend of hers who just gave birth, asking if they could be the baby’s godmother. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten any messages, though I went and blocked that account. This way, they not only can’t post to my wall, but they don’t even see my name unless they check her messages. As usual, Facebook isn’t doing shit about it.

Tom said the Jes pest took the news as he expected he would. His tone was neutral and he was just like, “Yeah, ok, uh-huh, oh.” He probably wasn’t surprised due to the mail we received here from the mortgage company. If he’s upset by us leaving in any way, he’s not showing it. I would think he’d be at least somewhat bummed out over knowing he’ll have the hassle of prepping this place, listing it, and hunting for new renters, even if he’ll make his sister do most of the work. She has to since he doesn’t have a computer and I highly doubt he has a digital camera either. Also, I can’t picture him cleaning his own place let alone this one, so he’ll sic most of the task on Maryann just like he did before. Wonder if they’ll start off bullshitting the new tenants about “the neighbor,” like they started to with us till they realized we wouldn’t pester the Jes pest and that it’d be the other way around instead.

We blew the pilot out of the heater which better be for the last time. If we’re here come November when we need heat again, then yes, there really is something up there trying to screw us.

I did have another dream I hope is a good sign that the park will accept us. We were at the pool where there were a few other people wanting to know why I looked so young and if I was old enough to live there, LOL. We won’t know for sure until next week if they’re even going to accept us or not.

No, I haven’t prayed that we get in because I still think that if we could simply ask for whatever, then we’d all have what we want. I think the concept of prayer is nothing more than wishful thinking. Same with telling ourselves God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Then why do some people die of illnesses and injuries? Sure seems like it was more than they could handle! I understand, though, that people need to tell themselves these kinds of things for encouragement, even if they may be kidding themselves.

Tom’s been doing the loan paperwork over the weekend, and I’m doing laundry and housework. The weather’s been hot and dry, as I like it to be. Ich liebe Sommer!

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