#WELL depending on things maybe i could get away with not coming in on thursday

[powderpinkandsweeet]

Ellie gets caught — Neighbor Ellie x Reader

Pt 1 and pt 2

4.8k words, nsfw, oral (r!receiving), face sitting, groping, confrontation, degradation, verbal consent given in a dubious consent situation, guilt on either side

Ellie was truly mortified when the screen blacked out, an error screen taking its place. She thought of every way imaginable that she could dig herself out of the grave she'd dug for herself. The camera was ripped from the wall and landed at your feet. She thought it was hidden well enough, but Ellie had underestimated the curiosity of a cat. Surely you weren't so naive that you wouldn't be able to tell what it was. Ellie didn't feel guilt for watching you, but your reaction made her uneasy. The look of fear in your eyes made her stomach twist.

Less than a minute passed before Ellie's phone vibrated in her hands, your name popping up in multiple notifications. But she wasn't ready to face the consequences, so her phone was put on "do not disturb" and placed on her desk. She slept restlessly, hardly at all in fact. Maybe she could wake up and it would all be a terrible nightmare, but she woke in the morning to a slew of texts and calls that were all too real. She feigned ignorance, choosing to read the messages without replying. The longer she played dumb, the more distressed your messages seemed.

Wednesday

10:07PM: hey i found smth in my apt and i dont rly know what it is lol. did you forget anything?

10:10PM: Missed Call

10:15PM: are you awake?

10:16PM: i looked up this thing and i think we need to talk...

10:17PM: Missed Call

10:20PM: call me when you can

Thursday

7:32AM: hey can you let me know if you have time to talk today? It's important...

7:35AM: but yeah let me know if you can talk

12:03PM: Missed Call

12:03PM: call me when you have a chance. we really need to talk about this

12:05PM: im on my lunch break so i can talk until 1

1:01PM: Ellie im not joking this is important

4:30PM: im leaving work. you at home?

4:31PM: can i stop by to talk? this isnt cool the whole ignoring me thing. I know youre on your phone all the time

4:31PM: you were active on instagram literally 10 minutes ago

Ellie knew she couldn't avoid you forever. She couldn't just sweep this problem under the rug, she would have to move away, change her name, get a new job, maybe dye her hair. But she didn't have time for that. Ellie knew you were always home between 4:40 and 4:45PM, depending on traffic. It was 4:37. She surely couldn't risk passing you on the stairwell if she tried to leave. So Ellie shut the blinds, turned off the lights, and hunkered down on the couch.

Steps click-clacked up the concrete stairwell, passing Ellie's door and up to your apartment, slamming the door behind you. Your steps were heavy above Ellie as they circled your apartment and back out the front door. The door slamming behind you made Ellie jump, each step shaking her to the core. Why was she so afraid?

You pounded on her door with your closed fist. Ellie tiptoed to the door to look through the peephole. You were rightfully upset, made obvious by your crossed arms and sour grimace. You were still dressed for work, clomping down the stairs in your work shoes and skirt, a silk scarf wrapped around your neck. In your hand was a familiar black object dangling from a chunky cord. She observed you for a moment, hoping that you would just assume she wasn't home.

"I know you're in there, Ellie! You're not fooling anyone! Your shitbox car is in the parking lot." Your patience was quickly waning, your blows to the door causing it to rattle in its frame, "come on, Ellie! You either talk to me or you talk to the cops, you pervert!" you practically screamed.

Ellie balked at your tone and volume. If she could hear you loud and clear, then so would the neighbors. So Ellie unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door just enough that you could see her face, "will you keep your voice down?" she whispered.

You sized her up, her lithe frame blocking entrance to the apartment. "If you stop playing stupid and let me in then I'll consider it."

Ellie peeked back inside at her messy apartment, knowing that your stolen things were hidden in the room. Her expression was nervous, puppy dog eyes on you as though she were begging you to say otherwise. "I'm not kidding," you state while pulling your phone from the pocket of your skirt, "I can just turn right around and bring this to the police station." Panic washed over Ellie as you turned as if to leave. She grasped your forearm to pull you inside hastily. Once you'd gotten your bearings, you ripped your arm from Ellie's tight grip.

Ellie wiped her clammy hands on her sweats, sitting down on the couch to make her best attempt at looking casual. She wasn't able to hold eye contact per your angry expression, asking nervously, "so what's up?"

Your face scrunched up and you "tsk"ed, frustrated with her innocent act, "why don't you tell me?" You held the device to Ellie's face by the cord. You held it with disgust, your reaction more akin to holding a dead animal than a surveillance camera.

Ellie continued to feign confusion, "a computer charger? Did it break or something?"

"Ellie," you grit out, "stop lying to me, I'm not fucking stupid."

She had never even seen you angry, let alone this full of rage. Ellie was at a crossroads between fear and arousal. "m'not lying, I swear..." she mumbled while avoiding eye contact.

"If you're not lying then why's this 'computer charger' by a company that makes surveillance cameras? And how did it get into my apartment, pointed at my bed?" You held it closer to her and shook it as though that would refresh her memory. "I sure as hell don't remember buying it, and as far as I can recall," you pointed an accusatory finger, "you were the last person in my apartment."

Ellie was near shaking, running through a hedge maze in her mind, but there was no way out. There had to be some way she could convince you that she was better than that. That she couldn't sink that low, but that would be yet another lie. "I'd never do that to you, it must have been someone else."

You were quick to refute her, "yeah, right. I never have people over, so who else could it have been?"

Ellie had been lying point-blank through your conversation, but she couldn't help but dig at your own little white lie. "Never? What about Abby, huh?"

You paused at Ellie's outburst, seeing her eyes widen at the admission that she knew just who was coming and going from your apartment. "Abby?" you encroached on her space, "How the hell do you know Abby? I've never mentioned her once, not even to my friends."

Ellie's web of lies was falling apart. "God, Ellie, how long has this been going on?" You tried to ask, exasperated. "Just admit it!" you nearly shouted, but she was still frozen. You "tsk"ed in disappointment, "forget it, I'm going to the cops."

You turned toward the door, and Ellie panicked, her nervous system going into fight or flight. Without thinking, she sprung from the couch to stop you. "Wait!" she exclaimed as she caught you by the forearm.

You wriggled in her grasp, "let me go, Ellie!"

She managed to grab you by the other wrist, "please just let me explain!" She pleaded, desperate to retain her freedom and keep you in her life. With surprising strength for someone of her stature, Ellie wrestled you to the floor. You fought against her, attempting to shout but being stopped by Ellie's palm pressed flat against your mouth. Her other hand kept your wrists pinned to the floor as she straddled you. "Please just listen, please..." she panted from the exertion, face red from the effort and the embarrassment of the situation. "I'll admit it, I put the camera there, but that's all I swear!" Frustrated tears lined her eyes, "please, will you let me explain?"

Your eyes were wide, but you nodded your head slowly to appease her. She eyed you nervously, "and you won't scream if I pull my hand away?" You closed your eyes for a moment and sighed, attempting to relax enough for Ellie to let up. Again, you gave her a hesitant nod. She pulled her hand away slowly.

You unconsciously licked your lips, Ellie following the movement and the glistening of your tongue. Your wide eyes sparkled up at her, your hair pillowed under your head. All the reasons for her infatuation--no, obsession--rushed to the surface. She couldn't hold it in anymore, "I love you!"

You looked confused and even more scared, if that were even possible. Regardless, Ellie rambled on, desperate to earn back your trust, perhaps even your affection. "You're just so kind, and beautiful, and interesting, and funny, and so... untouchable." She seemed melancholy as she continued, "I wanted to be close to you, but I was just so nervous." She sniffled, frustrated tears lining her eyes "I didn't know what to do, so I just fucked it up instead."

A tear slid down Ellie's cheek to drop off her chin. You flinched as it hit your skin, a tangible reminder of her feelings. "Ellie?" you called to her, and she looked at you with hopeful eyes. "why didn't you just say something?"

She avoided eye contact, almost hitting herself for not just doing the obvious. "I wanted to, but my mouth just goes dry when I see you and I feel like my heart drops to my ass..." Ellie sighed, "'sides, I'm no Abby."

She looked back at you to find an expression of pity. "You're not..." you murmured, and that sinking feeling returned to her stomach, but you went on, "you wouldn't want to be like her, anyways."

You pitied Ellie, but saw some of yourself in her. The pain of unrequited love, the anxiety of waiting for their next move, the exhaustion from the chase, and the words left unsaid. Like her, you were singularly focused on someone else. You had done your own snooping, peeking at Abby's texts while she was in the shower, always regretting it because of what you'd find. But you couldn't have been this desperate or gone to such lengths.

Abby gave you tunnel vision, so you couldn't see Ellie by your side. If you hadn't been so focused on Abby, you might have noticed her lingering stares, the things around your apartment that weren't where you left them, and the missing panties.

But suddenly confronted with all she had done, why weren't you screaming? Fighting? Running? Though conflicted, you were flattered. Why was her confession strangely charming?

You were not accustomed to being wanted this intensely, surprised but not displeased at Ellie's praise. She went to such lengths just for a look, a listen, even a taste. Her desperation would be almost laughable if it didn't make you feel so valued.

To Abby, you were a toy she could pick up, use, and discard at her leisure. Every crumb of affection was a success. You would mull them over, overanalyze them for any sign that your affection was returned, or appreciated at least. Conversely, to Ellie you were a prize to be selfishly coveted. You had acclimated to Abby's coldness, so the heat of Ellie's passion nearly burned you alive.

You take a moment to collect your thoughts before sighing and attempting to bring Ellie back to center. She was overcome with emotions, all that she had been bottling up finally exploding. "It's okay, Ellie. Just let me up and we can talk, okay?"

She seemed hesitant, "you won't try anything, right?"

You smiled as sympathetically as you could manage, "promise."

She pulled away slowly, hands hovering over your wrists for a moment until she trusted that you wouldn't hit her. Instead, you sat up to rub your wrists as you both rose from the floor. Ellie watched you closely like one would a wild animal. Her studio apartment was small, so there weren't many places to run.

"I didn't know you felt that way," you mumbled, barely audible. "You could have just told me."

Ellie huffed out a humorless laugh, "if I don't say anything then I don't have to worry about getting hurt, ‘cause I’m not Abby.”

You sighed at Ellie's obvious jealousy, "Abby's no good for me anyways. Maybe I need someone different, someone like you…”

You approached Ellie slowly. Every step closer she took a step back, her legs soon meeting the edge of her bed. She had nowhere else to go, so Ellie tipped back onto the bed. She watched in awe as you straddled her, hardly believing the sight as you unraveled your scarf. You leaned over her blushing face, your lips less than an inch from hers as you whispered, "can I kiss you?"

Ellie wouldn't let this chance go to waste, omitting a response to lock her lips with yours. She let her eyes shut in bliss as she lost herself in the plushness of your lips. Your tongue was slippery and soft as it tangled with hers. Ellie felt your touch gliding up her forearms, lacing your fingers with hers on either side of her head. You sucked on her tongue, Ellie so immersed in sensation that she paid no mind to you looping your silk scarf around her wrists and pulling the loose ends tight. You sucked her lip into your mouth and let it go with a soft "pop" as you pulled away. Ellie's hazy eyes opened at the loss of your warmth, flicking up to her bound wrists before looking at you confused. She wriggled for a moment, testing the strength of her binds and laughing nervously. Her underlying anxiety clashed with arousal. She was in disbelief that you would do something like this.

"You haven't been very nice to me, Ellie," you lectured. "You took advantage of my kindness." You straddled her hips, fingers tucking under the hem of her loose gray t-shirt. You pushed it above her breasts, hands sliding across her skin to feel her tense and shiver under your touch. "I let you into my home," your hands moved to the tie of her sweatpants to unravel it, "trusted you with my cats," you ripped them halfway down her thighs, "and you betrayed that trust to fulfill some sick fucking fantasy." You pulled and snapped the band of Ellie's boxer briefs, "but you've been hiding from me." Her briefs were pulled down to join her jeans. Shirt bunched up and pants halfway down, you took in the sight of Ellie's flushed and panting form. "So I think this is only fair."

Your hands explored her torso, groping her small breasts and pinching her blush-pink nipples. She was so responsive to your touch, breath hitching and whines trapped in her throat. Her skin was hot, sweat dripping down her temple.

Her skin tingled in the wake of your touch, but there was something missing. Ellie wanted so badly to touch you. She wished she could feel the squish of your hips where you sat above her. If only she could let her hands wander, exploring every inch of you that she had wanted for so long. Your touches were so light, nails trailing along her skin teasingly. The longer you teased, the more sensitive she felt.

Ellie had been wet practically the second you burst into her apartment. It didn't take much for you to turn her on. Her core glistened between her parted legs, clit swollen and throbbing in need. "You're so wet... and just from a little groping?" You traced a pointed nail from her sternum to her navel, a light pink scratch raising in its path. "You really are a pervert, aren't you?"

She felt a hot shame at being called such a thing, but you were right. Ellie didn't have a stitch of clothing to hide behind, feeling exposed and vulnerable beneath you. You groped and scratched at her thighs, laying a kiss on one of them with sparkling eyes looking at you. She was thrilled to be the center of your attention, but she yearned for so much more.

You could sense her impatience, "don't be so shy. Tell me what you want." You continued your teasing touches, never coming within an inch of her hot center.

"Please touch me..." Ellie whimpered.

You giggled, "I am touching you, silly."

Ellie groaned in frustration as you barely grazed her pussy with the tip of her finger. Wetness clung to your finger that you stuck into your mouth to suck off. Ellie could hardly believe her eyes. The bare graze against her pussy forced a choked noise from her chest. She whimpered in its absence. Just a taste of pleasure had her hungry for more.

Your grin never slipped, seeing Ellie helpless beneath you unfamiliar but exhilarating. Ellie whined out, "my pussy, please. I'm aching for you."

You couldn't help the grin on your face. Your sick enjoyment at Ellie laying helpless beneath you was an entirely unfamiliar feeling. She writhed against her bonds, pent up and unable to do anything about it. "I won't leave you waiting any longer, don't worry," you cooed.

You pressed your hand to her pussy, the heel of your palm to her clit and fingers sliding down the length of her folds. She groaned from deep in her chest when you ground your palm against her. It was directionless, sloppily spreading Ellie's wetness onto her lips and thighs. Ellie bucked messily against your hand. "Yeahh, that's right," you laughed, "just needed me to touch your greedy little pussy?"

Ellie whined at the mockery, "yes, yes, please. Just need to feel you. Do whatever you want to me, just need you!"

She was insatiable, greedy for anything and everything you could give her. "Whatever I want?" you repeat back to her.

"Anything!" she blurts out, blown out pupils locked on yours. You almost chuckled at her desperation, but you couldn't deny the butterflies in your stomach.

Ellie cried out at the retreat of your hand. Brought back to reality, she was gifted with the sight of you rising to your knees and shuffling forward to straddle her chest. You caressed her cheek and she melted into the palm of your hand. "Ellie," you cooed at her, "you'll help me feel good now, won't you?" You stroked her cheek with your thumb gently, "it's only fair, right? You've been stealing from me all this time, so I think you owe me, yeah?"

Ellie's eyes darted between your rising skirt to your teasing expression. She could smell the sweet musk of your pussy from here. She knew it well, having huffed it like paint from your stolen panties time and time again. Given the opportunity to taste and smell it from the source, Ellie just might have died and gone to heaven. Or maybe you'd knocked her out and she was dreaming. "Yes, yes, please. I can make you feel so good, promise. I'll make it up to you."

You hummed at her, pretending to mull it over, "you sure you really want it?"

Ellie's enthusiasm outweighed her shame. "I want it so bad, please! I wanna taste it, feel it drip down my chin. I want you to sit on my face so bad, I don't even care if I can't breathe." So you gave into her pleas, scooting forward on your knees to hover over Ellie's face. Slack-jawed and panting like a dog, Ellie's face disappeared under the hem of your skirt.

Your wet panties were a teasing reminder of the copious amounts Ellie had stolen. She grunted as she extended her neck to lick at your panties. You carefully lowered yourself to be within her reach. The cotton of your panties was rough against Ellie's tongue. Your slick made a dark patch on the fabric, the shape of your folds visible as it clung to your wet skin. She lapped at you through the panties, tasting and sucking the wetness that had once saturated the cloth. Your breathing picked up at the pressure, the friction of your panties against your clit rough.

But the fabric barred Ellie from tasting you fully. You couldn't feel the suction of her lips or the softness of her tongue. The cotton weave was rubbing you raw. Ellie whined, and you could feel the hum of her voice against you as she tried to speak trapped against you. You shifted, pulling up your skirt to see Ellie's red face. Her glistening lips parted to speak, "off... take 'em off, please..."

You snickered, "thought you liked my panties. You took so many of them after all. Did you suck on them just like that, too?"

Unashamed, she admitted, "yes, just wanna taste it. Only took 'em 'cause I couldn't get the real thing."

You were leaking like a faucet, and her tongue through your panties wasn't enough to satisfy. You pulled the crotch of them aside to tuck into the crease of your thigh, exposing yourself to Ellie's hungry gaze. She chased your hips, nearly moaning at the taste as you shifted downward again. Ellie laved your folds with her tongue. Uninhibited, you were so much sweeter. You dripped sticky like syrup on her tongue that she swallowed greedily. For a moment, she was too lost in her own selfish desires to realize that she was teasing you. You whined aloud at each gentle lap, jolting each time she grazed your clit. She tongued at your hole to greedily slurp down your slick.

Through a pussy-drunk haze, she watched your pleasured expressions in awe. Your needy grinding against Ellie's face pulled her from her reverie. She recognized your intent and doubled her efforts. Her tongue swirled around your clit, the hardened bud throbbing at the attention. When she puckered her lips and sucked on your clit, your back bowed and you moaned gutterally. Trapped between her lips, she rapidly flicked the tip of her tongue against your clit. The sudden lashing of her tongue had your hips bucking away from the sensation. Ellie's lips were pulled away with a "pop," the release of suction causing you to flinch again. "Haa-ah, Ellie..." you panted.

Hearing you moan her name was like ecstacy. Ellie's tongue slid down your lips, circling your entrance with its tip. She felt your muscles contract against the pressure. The tip of her tongue penetrated you, and you mewled at the feeling, stomach tensing and thighs clenching against Ellie's ears. Though muffled, Ellie could hear you beg for more. You cried out for her not to stop, and she had no intentions to. She pressed her face into you, pushing her tongue as deep into your pussy as she could. Ellie's nose was pressed against your clit, her mouth wide open to keep her tongue stuck out for you. What truly sent you into overdrive was her shaking her head side to side while pressed against you. The bridge of her nose flicked back and forth against your clit as Ellie tongued your hole. Nose against your clit and mouth focused on your hole, Ellie could hardly breathe. She would run out of air, having to take breaks to gasp for air. She panted like a dog as she lapped at your clit, unwilling to let up on you even as she struggled for air. But it was worth it for the sight, sound, smell, and especially taste of you. Your voice was like a melody that Ellie wanted to play on repeat. It was pitchy, staccato, approaching a crescendo. Ellie felt your pussy flexing around the tip of her tongue, warning her of your oncoming orgasm. Your hand tangled into her auburn locks, gripping and pulling as you squealed out that you were coming. Ellie huffed air through her nose as she drank you in. She continued passionately kissing your pussy, lips and tongue edging you into overstimulation. Ellie tried to follow you as you lifted yourself up on your knees, but no matter how much she strained against her binds, she couldn't reach you. She had nearly forgotten about her binds.

It might have been the lack of air and the sudden rush of oxygen to her brain, but Ellie was practically floating. Her body was pleasantly warm, tingling from head to toe. She was soaked down to the collar of her shirt, the gray fabric clearly darker than the rest. Your wetness was drying tacky on her cheeks, flyaway hairs clinging to them.

You were at a loss for words. Absent-mindedly, you catch a dribble down the corner of her mouth with your thumb, wiping it up and pressing it to Ellie's swollen, pink lips. Obediently, Ellie pulled your thumb into her mouth to suck gently. Your breath hitched and you laughed breathily at the display. You were in disbelief that a gem like Ellie had been watching and waiting for you, hoping that you would notice her.

You sighed and leaned up to untie Ellie from her headboard. She was still dazed from the dream she just lived through. She admired you silently, peacefully.

Coming down from your orgasm, you were confronted with the reality of your actions. You had lowered yourself to Ellie's level, blackmailing her and using it to take advantage of her. But how was it different from what Ellie had done to you? You committed a crime, a felony even. Free from her binds, Ellie could easily call the police on you just as you had threatened mere minutes earlier. But she didn't.

She only rubbed at the raised pink lines on her wrists, sure to bruise later. Ellie still looked up at you with awe, as though you were an angel. Her hands moved slowly to your hips, caressing the smooth, dimpled skin of your thighs and squeezing at its softness. Her hands were cold, veins spider-webbing from palm to forearm and fingertips calloused from guitar strings.

She looked contemplative as she tucked the end of your skirt into the waistband, admiring the mess she had made of you. "Can I do it again?" Ellie murmurs, gaze flickering between you and your pussy. You were unsure how she could have this much stamina. Bottom lip caught between your teeth, you nodded. Ellie smiled, relieved, and pulled you down to her mouth with surprising strength.

Each orgasm bled into another as Ellie held you trapped above her. Long, thin fingers gripped your hips and thighs so tight that the flesh bulged between the pale digits. You cried for mercy, for her to be more gentle, but your cries fell on deaf ears. If anything, they only worked her up even more.

Your thighs trembled on either side of her head where they clamped on Ellie's ears like earmuffs. She had to indulge. It was all she ever wanted. She worked hard for this.

She only relented when you pulled on her hair hard, the grip tight enough to make her wince. You found the strength to rise on your knees, only to fall onto the bed, exhausted. Ellie wiped you down and soothed you to sleep. She covered you with a blanket, rubbed at your aching muscles and cooed praise in your ear until you fell into a peaceful slumber.

Ellie watched you rest, a quiet snore coming from your parted lips. You were splayed out on your stomach, legs slightly parted and one knee bent. Stood at the end of the bed, Ellie could see your folds peeking out from between your thighs. It was obviously swollen and flushed from all you had endured. She had gone at you so long you might have thought you had a rugburn on your pussy. Ellie had wiped you down earlier, but a line of slick still drooled from your pussy. It glistened in the low light of Ellie's room, shining in her eyes like a spotlight.

She plucked your phone from your discarded purse. The face ID rejected her, of course, so Ellie turned it toward your sleeping visage and watched as the phone unlocked with ease. She held back her impulse to snoop. To look in every nook and cranny of the device. But she had a mission to complete. Scrolling through the contacts, Ellie found Abby within seconds. On her own phone, Ellie opened the camera app, aiming the lens at your parted thighs and the clear aftermath of her attention. With a "click" of the camera lens and a few taps of her fingers, it was sent.

9:52PM: image attached

9:52PM: she’s mine

Thank you for reading my silly little stories! This turned out so much longer than I thought, but I’ve had a lot of fun with this little “series” so it was fun

Taglist: @kaykeryyy @cattjull @s0phi3w4lt3n @verseandchapterr

[orcelito]

me gearing up to hate my Fucking life as i work to finish this damned texting bitch of a program due tomorrow, logging into the school website to get the lab info page... only to see the due date's been pushed back a week. probably bc many people, like me, are really... not close to done with it lol

i wouldve known this if id gone to class today probs lol, but i was too busy being gay. so uh. yay? this is a genuine relief lol i was feeling Particularly destructive about it all.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires- Part 3

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 821

Masterlist

It’s been three days, and you still haven't texted me.

I have to admit, (Y/n), it's not your best quality. This thing you do where you just disappear for days on end. I have no way to reach you, no way to find you. I have no idea what you're up to at all. You could be doing anything, with anyone. Anything could be done to you.

And I'm beginning to believe you may have changed your mind.

Then, sweet relief: you text me.

YOU: ok, you were right

YOU: not creepy

YOU: just disgusting.

I don't answer right away. I want to, but you've made me wait for three days, and I don't want to make you think I've spent that time glued to my phone. Besides, I'm working. It’s unusually busy at Mooney’s today, for a Thursday.

After work, I pick up a sandwich at a Deli I like. It's not much in the way of dinner, but it'll have to do. I'm not in the mood to wait around for someone to cook for me. I want to get home as soon as possible, to start a conversation with you.

Paco is sitting on the steps outside my apartment, though, when I get there. Inside his home I hear slamming and shouting. Paco's got his nose hidden behind a book like it will keep the world out.

“You liking that?” I ask him, doing my best not to flinch at a particularly loud clash.

“It's good,” Paco answers.

It's Moby Dick, a book I gave him. Paco's an advanced reader, for his age. I love when kids are interested in books.

We talk for a little bit, and it becomes clear to me that nobody has bothered to make Paco any dinner. I give him my sandwich. I'll just go without tonight. Somebody needs to make sure this kid eats, and his parents - or rather, his mother and the scumbag she allows around her son - sure aren't doing it.

You would want me to give him food.

Finally, I go inside. I want to take a shower. I want to eat something.

I want to talk to you.

I flop down on my couch and take out my phone.

ME: That bad, huh?

YOU: oh no. i loved it

An immediate answer. This is good. You've been waiting for me to respond.

And of course, I already knew you loved the book. You gave it five stars on Goodreads last night. The only way I can even vaguely guess at what you're doing is through your meticulous tracking of your reading habits.

ME: Good to know.

You spend a moment typing, but then you stop. You don't know what to say, and I understand why. We're strangers. I don't really know what to say to you, either. But I want us to keep talking.

ME: So, since you're in the market for a new book, can I expect to see you again soon?

YOU: definitely.

YOU: gonna need to come by and get something new to read

YOU: any recommendations?

ME: That depends. What's your favorite book?

You don't answer right away. Maybe you're thinking. Or maybe you're making dinner right now, or eating it.

YOU: idk. i have several

ME: Favorite books, then

YOU: well american gods is my all time top tier number one book

I take it that means ‘favorite’.

YOU: but there's also the invisible life of addie larue, the secret history, the raven boys, anything stephen king…

YOU: and yes i know most of these are for teenagers. sue me

I haven't read any of these books, except a couple of Stephen King books. I'll have to remedy that. Someone's favorite book says a lot about them, and I want to know everything there is to know about you.

ME: …So, favorite genre?

YOU: probably mystery

Mystery. I can see that. You’d like a mystery; something to solve. You don’t want life to be too easy, you’ve already proven that by moving all the way to America from The Netherlands. I want to ask you about that, to figure out what made you decide on such a big change, but I don’t want to ask too much too fast. If you don’t want easy, I can’t seem too interested.

ME: Okay… Mystery. Little by Edward Carey.

YOU: what’s it about?

You don’t read back covers. You don’t want to know too much.

ME: Madame Tussaud

YOU: like from the museum?

YOU: colour me intrigued

ME: I’ll keep it aside for you.

YOU: tx!

You don’t text again after that, and I decide not to, either. Instead I try to look you up on Instagram again, but you’re still on private. You don’t want me to see too much of you.

You’re kind of mysterious, yourself, I’m beginning to realise.

How do I get close to you if you won’t let me near?

[eddiemunsonw]

Paint me red.

PART 1

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

Steve Harrington x Fem!Reader

Summary: You're one of Vickie's best friends. Her girlfriend, Robin, is in need of a distraction for her best friend, Steve Harrington, who you vaguely remember from school. Which is where you come in.

CW / Disclaimer: A bunch of cute stuff, just a nice feel good fic about our dear boy Steve.

Author’s note: It was time to write about Steve Harrington, so here it is. Four parts, can find them both on here and on my ao3: eddiemunsons. Enjoy!

Words: (of current chapter) 1432 / (complete fic) 13059

Thursday afternoon usually wasn’t one of the busiest times of the coffeeshop you worked at. Three regulars sat dispersed throughout the room. The tall auburn haired man working at the window always brought a stack of papers and seemed to be doing some type of research on a topic you had zero knowledge about. You had glanced over his shoulder before and didn’t even have a clue how you’d go about pronouncing it, so you never bothered to ask either. The other regular was a younger guy around your age. He had been two years below you at Hawkins High. Most of the time he brought a book, or he just listened to his Walkman as he scribbled in his sketchbook. The last regular sat at the bar, looking at your pretty foam creation of a cat that you had just given her. However, she wasn’t just a regular. She was also your friend, Vickie.

“Ohh that’s adorable! You’re getting so good at this, honestly,” Vickie exclaimed as she carefully turned the cup around on the saucer. Her eyes wandered back to you and you could tell she was dying to tell you something. She smiled awkwardly, which was a telltale sign of something peculiar spilling from her mouth soon.

“Okay, cute foam kitten aside, I have a favor to ask. I think. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’m doing you a favor, depending how you look at it? Or, well…”

“Just, tell me, please?” you asked with an innocent smile that hid your impatience only a little bit. Vickie conceded and smiled.

“It’s kind of a long process thing, maybe. Again, it depends on—”

“Vic, spit it out already oh my god.” At this point you were starting to worry that she was about to ask you for something horrible.

“I need you to come with me to DGMG,” she glanced away shortly, only to meet your eyes again with a pleading look. Somehow it seemed important to her but you couldn’t help but frown, confused at what she was asking you.

“What?”

“Dark Glow Mania Games. See why I used an abbreviation? It’s a horrible name. It’s that glow in the dark game center, you know? The one I told you Robin started working at recently? Actually, ‘recently’ being two months ago. I really should’ve met up with you sooner, it’s been so long!” Vickie said apologetically. Her red hair bounced as she shook her head to emphasize how disappointed she was in herself.

“You were busy with girlfriend duties… and perks,” you shrugged, a smile laced on your lips. “It’s not like I’m obliged to know your girlfriend’s workplace within an estimated amount of time, Vic.”

“I know but still. I always ramble on on the phone and yet I forgot to mention it until… last week?” She seemed to wreck her brain over the details that were not at all important to you, as you were still curious why she even brought it all up in the first place.

“Something like that. Anyway, why is going to DGMG with you doing you a favor?”

Vickie smiled awkwardly and reluctantly sipped from her coffee, the foam cat slowly dissolving. After cleaning the foam off her upper lip with the tip of her tongue, she sighed.

“Because… that’s not all there’s to it.” When she didn’t elaborate you gave her a pointed look, urging her to go on.

“Right. Uhm, do you remember Steve Harrington?”

Do you remember Steve Harrington? Of course you remember Steve Harrington. The popular kid they called King Steve, Steve ‘the hair’ Harrington or Mr. Harringtongue, which had apparently to do with how skilled he was in pleasuring a lady. It was hard to not know about a guy like that. You wondered what happened to him. You had only transferred to Hawkins High in your third year, meaning you had only shared one year of hell with the guy because after that one, he graduated. You could vaguely recall having English together once and seeing him in the cafeteria every now and then but that was about it.

“Uh, yeah?”

“He works there too,” Vickie said, as if that would explain everything all of a sudden. Only barely, you managed to not roll your eyes at her.

“Okay?”

“According to Robin he needs more people his age around him. A girlfriend would be nice too, or a boyfriend if he’s into that but we only know total dweebs so that’s not going to work in our current plan. Not saying you should be his girlfriend or anything! But… Robin thought it might be nice since you’re cool, and he’s cool, and that way he won’t always stick out like a sore thumb when I hang out with her either,” Vickie watched your frown deepen as she spoke and she let out a nervous giggle, your gaze always being somewhat intimidating to her even though she knew you wouldn’t hurt a fly.

“You don’t even have to do anything! I mean, just, stick around, maybe say hi but that’s all. Maybe it’s enough to restart his heart and make more room for people other than Robin and a handful of others that aren’t around all that much.”

A quick break to serve a customer gave you some time to let her words sink in. Once you sent them on your way with a frappuccino and a matcha latte, you still hadn’t come up with an answer though.

“Sorry but, why does Steve Harrington need help with getting himself a friend or a girlfriend or whatever else? Wasn’t he like this popular dude? Handsome to the masses?”

Vickie gave you a side eye.

“You say that as if you’re not part of the masses. Steve is attractive, it’s a fact written in the stars, undeniable unless you’re blind.”

“If you weren’t with Robin I would’ve told you to hook up with him yourself,” you tell her flatly after a dramatic eye roll. “But you’re proving my point as to how ridiculous your request is.”

“I don’t know! Ask Robin! It was her idea after all, I’m just the messenger.”

“What’s in it for me?” you quipped, knowing that you would go with her regardless, but you couldn’t help but like a little bargaining.

“Free glow in the dark mini golf. Perks of the girlfriend. If you’re nice, I’ll pay for our drinks too,” Vickie promised with the sweetest, angelic smile that matched her pleading blue eyes.

“Now why didn’t you start with that, silly? I’m in.”

For a reason you didn’t know other than that Vickie had very convincing puppy dog eyes, you agreed to go. Only after you said it, you realized that you actually weren’t that much of a social creature at all and wondered if you had just agreed to the most awkward evening of your life. Vickie assured you that Robin and Steve would be working, so there wouldn’t be that much interaction anyway. It was a nice first step, she had said, giving away that this wasn’t just going to be a one time thing. Oh dear. All in all you could do with a fun evening if you were honest and you decided you would just ignore the whole plan. After all, Vic had said you didn’t have to do anything apart from the bare minimum which consisted of saying hi and looking at him while you did that, which shouldn’t be that hard.

Once Vickie left to meet up with Robin, you were left alone with your thoughts which drifted back to Steve Harrington all too easily. You tried to dig into your memories, to see what you really remembered of him yourself rather than hearsay. The latter went many ways in your last year. While some still called him the King, others said that he had become a total loser working dumb jobs and hanging out with ten year olds. You had expected him to get into some fancy school, with the power his last name seemed to hold. It was all just guessing work. In the end you knew very little about Steve Harrington. It had been three years since you graduated and you had been blissfully unaware of the town’s gossip since then. You would be lying if you said you weren’t the tiniest bit curious about him though. After all, Vickie had been right. He was a treat to look at. And after spending the rest of your afternoon thinking about a guy you hadn’t thought of in years, you found yourself strangely excited for Saturday.

Next part

[mareastrorum]

Hi I just saw that you have the same 'why am I watching XMen (derogatory)' feeling! Same hat!

Yeah, and it’s like, theoretically, I should love the X-men. I’m mixed race, grew up in shitty circumstances, dealt with a lot of -isms and violence, and did well in school despite intense challenges on multiple fronts. But they just don’t appeal to me. There’s some novelty and entertainment value, but it gets old quick. It’s similar with other superhero stories, but the X-men story depends on the status quo not changing. Once mutants are accepted and the goal is achieved, that’s a different story. The narrative posture depends on never meaningfully moving toward that goal. That’s alright in short form, but any long term stuff loses my interest.

Campaign 3 feels similarly to me. I tune in every Thursday to watch, but the characters’ arcs just haven’t hooked me. They could TPK tomorrow and I wouldn’t feel a thing—except maybe Braius because he’s a lying liar who lies, and those are fun. I don’t dislike any of them; I just don’t concern myself with how their stories will end because they don’t have any interesting goals in mind.

I like characters with ambition, ruthlessness, and/or competitiveness. Of course, that means I often adore villains, and I’ve embraced that. Characters don’t need to cave to the negative impacts of those traits for me to enjoy them. Unfortunately, the Hells don’t really have strong facets of those. They can get into the right mood, but generally, that isn’t their vibe. Braius is the only one that comes close, but he’s still so new that I don’t know if there’s even enough time for me to get invested.

Caleb’s arc was wonderful. Insane, obsessive ambition to change reality that eventually was pushed aside by love for his friends and the life he built with them. The potential of their future mattered more than correcting his past. That dedication wasn’t thrown away; just redirected. Percy had a similar arc in C1.

I liked Beau and Fjord for the same reasons: directionless and abandoned in the beginning, then deciding upon a purpose and persistently moving toward it. They stumbled, suffered loss, but eventually came into their own. Fjord was more ruthless than the rest when he made decisions, and Beau had a wonderful competitive streak.

I like characters with goals, dreams, or plans. Better if they’re insane. Wonderful if they fail. Fantastic if they succeed. Make it a spectacle. Make it hurt. Add fanfare and pizazz.

But there has to be some kind of end point for that character in mind. Not dying and preventing the apocalypse are good motivations, but they don’t compel me as an audience member to pay attention to a character arc. That’s a plot hook, not a reason to give a shit about who the story has focused on. Like, Vox Machina’s and the Mighty Nein’s character arcs are done, and I still would have enjoyed following them through the C3 plot more than Bell’s Hells. At least those teams have a vision for their own futures beyond their immediate needs. The Hells are just (un)happy to be here.

It’s like the Matron’s speech in the last episode: if you don’t want to do this, leave. I’m too far along in my own life experience to care about characters who are paralyzed by the fear of consequences. Make a choice or make way for someone who will. Even better, get crushed by someone with a spine. Villains fill that role so well, and I adore when I get to see that play out.

Unfortunately, the Hells are just the X-men: they don’t have a purpose other than dealing with a shitty situation. They don’t achieve goals; the most they accomplish is interfering with others’ goals. Maybe they could have come up with personal goals more easily in a different plot arrangement, but it wasn’t impossible to achieve here. They just didn’t do it.

[yuyuonabeat]

Heart Without a Brain Pt.1

🧠❤️💌

Pairing: College!Student!Yunho! x College!Student!Afab!Reader

Synopsis: Its been a couple days and you’ve been trying not to have inappropriate thoughts about your friend Yunho. Only thing is he makes it a little harder to deal with since he’s always near you. One day you decide to write a letter to your brain(it’s metaphor) explaining your behavior.

A/N: This fic started in Spanish but I’m changing it since half of the people here speak English and I don’t want people to miss out on this. Hope you like it and please do let me know if you want a third part since the second part to this is already written I just have to upload it.

<Afab: assigned female at birth >

Thursday May 24th thoughts

Hi there. I hope I’m not bothering you with my loud thinking. You know, I depend a lot on my thinking. On how it helps my life. On how it defines me. On how it controls me.

Sometimes I feel like I may be crazy. Oh I don’t know, let’s see. How sometimes I put myself in someone else’s shoes and wonder what they would think of me. Of my life, of the way I act and of the crazy things I sometimes may do.

Anyhow. I won’t keep you for long because I know you may be falling asleep already, or at least getting tired of thinking.

Today was a bit rough. Don’t you think, dear Brain? I overthink it a lot and I can’t stop using you. I don’t let you think for me and act for me. I’m the one that has to use you like a steering wheel and give you twirls because if not, neither of us work correctly. And if I can be honest with you, I don’t think we make a good team.

For one part, I want to think about the good and the right. The sane and what’s real. But for the most part, you my dear Brain. You want me to think of the impure and the sick. The impossible and the bad. Look, I know that I said I wasn’t going to keep you for long but I actually want to talk to you about something, or well. Rather someone.

Do you remember Yunho? If you do then, know I think of him everyday. To be honest I can’t shake away the way he looks at me, the way he talks to me. Or the way he talks about me to his friends. The way he smiles so brightly, how he laughs with me, how he’s so handsome and intelligent. So so generous. A literal angel.

I sometimes think I’m crazy for that. He’s just so nice and kind to me and I think there’s times in which he acts a bit too nicely. Like when he pays for my lunch for a whole week because I have no money. Or how he picks me up before and after school every day. Or how he lets me stay at his house a lot of the times when my parents fight at home. Or maybe just the way he always makes sure I’m dressed nicely. Tucking my hair behind my ears, lending me his jacket when it’s a bit cold, tying my shoe laces so I don’t trip over and het hurt. When he fixes my jeans so they are neat. That one time I didn’t expect my period to come and had stained my pants, he came to me and wrapped his hoodie around my waist so it could cover the stain. Smiling at me while reassuring me everything was going to be ok. How he after school was done, bought ice cream and chocolates and just cuddled with me in his room.

I’m not sure if I should consider him a friend. He just acts like as if we were dating and he was my loving boyfriend. Or maybe I’m getting a bit delirious and am mistaking his generosity and kindness with him having feelings for me. That could just be his love language. The way he treats his loved ones. That’s the reason I started thinking of him more and more.

Like it or not, he will always occupy a space in my head next to you. Because you’re my Brain, but you’re not my Heart. Now, Do you know why he has a space in my head and not in my Heart? Well that’s because I still can’t put a ring to what I feel for him. Ok I do feel butterflies in my stomach whenever he’s nearby. I sometimes even think I may be going crazy since I’ve started to see things that I’m maybe just imagining.

Him winking at me at random times, that he blows kisses at me. Perhaps that’s just what you want me to see. I’d like for you to tell me the truth. Do I have a crush on him or do YOU have a crush on him? Because be honest, the one that gets goosebumps and feels the hair on their arms tense up whenever he’s around is me, because you don’t even have hair.



Sorry I think that was a bit mean. I try not to offend you but you make it so hard not to. I just want to scream at your face but wait you don’t even have a face. Sorry, sorry I apologize again. Ok enough of joking around. Now tell me Brain. What do I do?

Let’s see if you can tell me since Heart went AWOL on us. Acting like a traitor leaving me to develop feelings when the three of us had agreed on focusing on school and work. Only thing Heart is good at, is beating and pumping blood to keep us alive as a system. But Heart needs to do its job.

I want to know if what I feel is real or if it’s just to fill the void in me. A fantasy or something I don’t know! I just want an answer please! Whatever it is I’ll accept it. If I like him I’ll accept it. If I don’t I’ll accept it. I just need an answer.

Well anyways tomorrow I need to go to the supermarket with Seonghwa and I don’t know if I should tell him what’s wrong with me. He could help me figure out what I feel. Maybe he’ll give me some advice.

Also am a little nervous since we have school after and every time I’m near Yunho I can’t help but stare at him. Dying on the inside while wanting to tell him how I feel. The way I want to kiss his soft lips so badly. But how can I do that when I don’t even know exactly what I feel.

Whatever. This is the end of this letter from me to you. Oh and thank you for listening, I know I can be a lot sometimes….well all the time but thank you. It’s nice knowing that you’re still up there in my head. Sleep well and take care.

With love, Y/N.

[registeredsinnertm]

Don't Look Away

Lots of people have told me about this “Hat Man,” often referring to him when I talk about my own hallucinations.  “He sounds like The Hat Man,” “Have you heard about The Hat Man,” “Maybe it’s The Hat Man.”  It got me interested in figuring out what everyone was saying about this entity.  So I did some research only to come to a dead end.  Everyone's experience with The Hat Man is the same.  He just watches, doesn’t talk or touch the person, no face but sometimes has eyes; he’s just there.  It seemed silly to me, that he just watches.  Especially when my hallucination actually interacts with me, he attacks in a way.  What makes things worse is that I don’t believe in the paranormal.  For some reason, not believing in it helps prevent me from experiencing what others have dealt with.  It’s a blessing, but also a curse from this experience.  He wants me to believe.

The first time I saw him was while I was getting ready for school.  I was a freshman in High School and actually had a good year, compared to the previous year in Junior High.  A group of old friends decided to torment me at the end of the year, all because I didn’t want to follow along with what the ring leader had to say.  I was lonely and desperate, made some imaginary friends along the way to cope; that’s something I regret.

Around this time of the year, the sun rose later and set earlier in the day.  Though the dark never bothered me, it gave me an eerie feeling every time I woke up.  I had a routine.  Wake up, change out of my pajamas, go downstairs for breakfast, and pack my bags.  Every time I went downstairs, something felt different.  There’s a feeling people get, like someone is watching.  I knew everyone was still asleep and none of the neighbors were out yet.  Our kitchen only had one window that faced the backyard and the backdoor, nothing people could really look through unless they’re a creep.  So when I went to look around to find out why I had this feeling, I’d be faced with nothing.

One Thursday morning, I got up and did my routine.  Wake up, change out of my pajamas, go downstairs for breakfast.  The feeling followed along like a shadow.  As I went to make my food, I had turned to get a plate from the cabinet when out of the corner of my eye I saw something different.  Snapping my head in that direction, I laid eyes on him.  People sometimes catch glimpses of things out of the corner of their eye only for it to disappear when they look back.  This wasn’t the case though.  I could see his silhouette so clearly outside the backdoor window, standing behind the tool shed.  He had no eyes, but I could feel them train on me.

The fear of him disappearing made me frozen in my spot, staring right back.  I was never good at staring contests, but it felt like my life depended on this.  No burn in my eyes could make me look away.  That was until the noise of plates clattering caused me to jump and look away.  I dropped the plate when I jumped, noting it was my dad who just was coming down to get some food as well.

“Are you okay?” He asked cautiously, raising a bushy eyebrow as he made some toast.  “It’s as if you saw a ghost.” Laughing at his own comment, I placed a crooked smile on my face and laughed dryly.

“Yeah…  I’m fine, just tired, I guess.”  Every morning after that, the same scene would play out; it’s as if a DVD for a movie was scratched.  Wake up, change out of my pajamas, go downstairs for breakfast, make sure he doesn’t move.  He never did for the longest time, but this became part of the routine now and I despised it.

While this kept happening, a few months later I had started going to a club at my High School.  We’d stay until 4:30 pm every Wednesday and I had to take the bus home.  By the time I got on the bus, the sun had practically set.  During my walk home, it was dark.  Since he hadn’t moved from his spot until someone came in and distracted me, I was never worried about dealing with him outside of that situation.  I’d walk home with headphones in, blasting some random music from my playlist and maybe dancing along.  On that Wednesday, I followed the sidewalk home and quickly stopped halfway there.  The feeling was there.  The feeling that someone was watching me and I could feel it right behind me.  Stupidly confident that it was my mind playing tricks, I turned to look over my shoulder to find him standing there; however he looked different.  His silhouette wasn’t clear, more glitched-out as he moved towards me.  The empty face was now filled with multiple eyes, all staring at me while I hurriedly backed away.  “If I look away, he’ll get me,” was the thought that ran through my head.  Not looking away felt like the only solution, but it didn’t work this time.

As soon as he reached me, his hand grabbed my shirt as his body grew larger; towering over me as I leaned back to look up into his eyes.  My shaky breathing came to a halt as one of the eyes suddenly turned to a mouth, opening wide and hanging over my body.  His mouth suddenly consumed me as I let out a horrified scream, finding myself sitting up on the sidewalk and panting crazily.  My eyes scanned the area, head swinging around frantically as I got up.  There were no more signs of him, but I could feel him staring at me.  Grabbing my backpack from the ground, I hurried home without hesitation.

One of the neighbors had heard me scream, only seeing me turn around and fall to the ground.  It raised concern, so they headed to our house and told my parents.  My dad already had suspicions, catching me staring out the window on our backdoor every morning.  So, he questioned me as if I was in an interrogation.  At this time, I had no idea what he was or what I was dealing with, only describing it as best as I could with words.  Words aren’t my strong suit, so I took out my sketchbook and drew out what I saw.  A glitched figure with multiple eyes.  This is when I first called him by the name I use to refer to him.  No, it’s not The Hat Man.  I called him It.

The only good news was that this didn’t happen every time I came home.  I’d still see him near the toolshed, just not on my walk home.  My parents decided to try and pick me up when they can as well.  We all worked as a team to get this fixed.  Even though there were still moments I dealt with him on the walk home.  Every moment was different.  Sometimes he’d just follow me or stare back.  I’d prefer those over the majority.  Most of the time, he’d attack me.  His new multi-eyed figure pushed me down to the ground either to rip out my throat or stab me.  It was always a different item too, not just a knife.  A glass shard, sharp stick, or even just his hands that morph into something.  The one thing that was always the same were his eyes and glitched figure.

I can’t remember if a month had passed or a year.  You lose track of time when you’re reliving the same moments over and over again.  All that was memorable was seeing a doctor concerning my mental health to try and get medication.  The hope was there only to be wiped away again.

“We’ll be starting you on a low dosage of Zoloft and raise it in about a month.”  She gave a smile to my mother and I, holding out the information for my prescription.  “If there are any complications, call me and we’ll try to set up an appointment.  Do not stop the medication unless another doctor states to do so.”  Once the medication had arrived at our pharmacy, my mother immediately started giving it to me as the doctor instructed.  Who knows how much time passed, it felt like a week when it most likely was another month by the time I’m sitting in her office shaking.

“The medicine has been making them worse, it’s not helping at all.”  My mother spoke through gritted teeth as her face twisted in rage.  “And you want to increase it?”

“Sometimes increasing medication works.  I think we just need to wait a bit longer as well.”

“No!  We are taking them off the medicine.”  She whipped her head to me and gave a worried frown.  “It looks like they saw a ghost.  They thought the mail man was going to kill them!”  Scoffing out a dry laugh, she leaned back against the coach and crossed her arms.  “I had gone to their room to wake them up for school only to find my child curled in the corner of the room in fear.”

“I’m sure it’ll get better if we increase the medication and-” “No, we won’t do that!”  As my mother quickly got up, she grabbed my arm protectively so I stood up with her.  “In fact, we’re not seeing you again.  You only caused more pain, so we’ll find another doctor.”  Before the doctor could reply back, I found myself quickly following my mother out the door.  Looking over my shoulder, my eyes landed on the nameplate on the doctor’s door and a small smirk found its place on my face.  Doctor Goodfriend certainly was not a good friend.

Whatever the medication had done to me stuck for a long time.  This time, the hallucinations turned to voices I could hear in the corners of the room.  I drowned in terror day after day, paranoia following me around like a lost dog.  It also kept glitching after me.  His face would be everywhere; I could see him on the bus I took, in the window of my lovely neighbor’s house, and soon enough in the silhouette standing at the bottom of the basement steps.  It’s oddly comforting to see him inside the house instead of outside.  That was the only area where staring at him kept him in his place.  However, it concerned my parents more as time passed.

As a few more months passed, the sun would start rising earlier and setting later.  I’d try to spend my days in the sunlight, hoping that It wouldn’t like that and leave me alone.  Although it worked more than I anticipated, the rest of my demons didn’t let go as easily.

“Did you hear me?”  My brother asked, causing me to snap back into reality.  His small hands held out a small video game that was clearly new, making me furrow my eyebrows and tilt my head to the side.

“No, sorry…  Could you repeat yourself?”  I asked with a soft smile which he gladly returned.

“That’s okay!  We got a new game for our DS though!  It’s the newest Pokemon.”  He chuckled out, turning the cover of the game to him and admiring it.

“Oh, did Mox get it for us?”  I asked, leaning against the kitchen counter as I reached for the kitchen knife.

“It’s sharp enough to get stabbed with.” A feminine  voice muttered from next to me.  Puffing up my cheeks, I tried focusing on my brother’s ramble on his new video game. “The water pokemon you can choose at the beginning is–” “He could easily push you and grab the knife.” Followed a masculine voice.  The other still there as well, just not as loud.

“– but I don’t like the new grass pokemon we can–”

“Honestly, I could see him killing you with it.  It would be worthless to call for help.”  The two took turns to talk about the scenario as my grip on the knife tightened.

“Oh!  There’s some new legendary–”

“Screaming would just get the rest of the family to come down and help him finish the job.  Would that be a better way for you to die?”  Shaking my head, I tossed the knife on the kitchen counter with a clatter and backed away.  Their voices kept bouncing around the room around me, making me feel way too dizzy but I didn’t want to grab onto anything.  Turning to face my little brother, I froze slightly at him as he reached out. “Are you okay?”  He asked worryingly as I backed up.  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I just nodded a bit before holding out my hand for him to stop.

“I just…  need to be alone for a second…”  Jogging upstairs, the loud slam of my bedroom door shook the house as I sat at my desk.  There wasn’t anything I could do to stop them from speaking and it was causing so much frustration to bubble up.  Leaning against the desk, I grabbed my sketchbook and pencil, quickly sketching out a few things to help.  Putting a face with the voices seemed like the best option and the noise of my pencil against the paper brought me back to reality.  As soon as the pain in my hand was too much, I pushed away from the desk and looked at the mess I made.  A page filled with eyes and two faces I could easily name as Andrew and Lexi; the two imaginary friends I made up when I was too lonely and anxious to talk to people.  Releasing a pained breath, my body slumped against the chair I sat at and I rubbed my eye.  Grumbling slightly at the sound of our family dog barking outside my room, a sudden wave of smell hit my nose, making everything in the world freeze for a bit.  My mom must have been preparing dinner and it smelled delicious.  Sitting up, I stared down at the new drawings in my sketchbook before closing it and standing up from my desk.  Food would be a good distraction, especially since I could feel the hunger in my stomach.  Our dog was still barking outside the room for whatever reason, so I prepared to hush him up as I opened my bedroom door.

So many eyes snapped to my direction and I found myself quickly pinned to the wooden floor underneath me.  As I panted heavily, my hand automatically reached to grab the wrist that belonged to the hand around my throat.  I looked up at It and tried to push myself deeper into the floor, hoping that I could get away from him.  My legs lifted up to kick him, but he quickly yanked me up a bit and pulled me close to his horrendous face.  While one of his eyes turned into a mouth, my face dropped in defeat as my other hand grabbed his wrist as well, fighting back to get released.  Despite knowing how this’ll end, I still tried to fight back instead of watching me once again get consumed by him. Replaying my inferno, his mouth hung open over me and snapped shut with a harsh chomp and I found myself gasping against the ladder that led up to my bunk bed.

I must have caused some commotion because my mom was crouched in front of me with a startled look.  Seeing her there made me push myself away from her and figure out where I was again.  I could hear her quiet comments, the best efforts of comfort from her.  The only response I could give was shaking my head repeatedly as she tried to reach for me.  Our dog came in and scurried past her, sitting next to me so he could lick my face.  The three of us sat there for a few minutes, waiting for me to calm down as my brother and dad ate their meal downstairs.  When my breathing slowed down and I seemed more stable, she gently grabbed my hand and helped me up.

“Let’s go eat and get a nice rest tonight…”  Caressing my hair, I looked up at her with tired eyes and nodded slowly.  “We’ll be seeing the new doctor this weekend, I promise.”  Leading me down to the dining room table, I sat down and tried my best to focus on the food she had spent making.  It was only then when I realized how different my hands looked; there was a small tint of darkness that I could make out, like ink.  Rubbing my fingers against the markings I made out, I figured it was from the drawing I had made earlier.  Art can be messy at times, especially if you do traditional, but my gut seemed to be saying that that wasn’t the entire story.

After we all finished our meals, it was time to head to bed.  Our dog followed me up the stairs, seeming to still show some worry about me.  As I reached the top of the stairs, I stared at the door to my bedroom as the encounter with It played again in my head.  Taking a deep breath, I pushed open the door and walked in with our dog close behind.  He sniffed around my room intently as I changed for bed and made sure my backpack was ready for school the next morning.  

Even though our dog doesn’t make a mess, I tend to close the door when I go to bed but decided against it this time.  There was a feeling that he knew something I didn’t.  Dogs have a sixth sense, as people say and that comforted me.  So he found his place in my room as I turned off the lights and climbed up the ladder to my bed.  Reaching the top, my breath caught in my throat.

There I was, sitting in my bed.  Staring at me with bright eyes and pitch black skin, similar to It and his appearance.  The only difference was that I looked normal with two eyes.  With the darkness of my skin, I couldn’t tell if there were any other features on my face besides those two.  Instead of just staring back, I decided to move forward a bit and sit opposite to my lookalike.  There was no way of telling if this thing would do harm to me like It does, so I just stared back.  My eyes furrowed as it adjusted to the darkness and I could see a small line of white where the mouth is supposed to be.  As I stared more, the line became more apparent against the silhouette.  It wasn’t until there was a full on smile on this thing that I also noticed another eye appear, right on the forehead.  My mouth opened to say something, but before I could even do that they jumped towards me and made me stumble back.

Shooting up from my bed, I looked over to my window to see it was now day and I had been asleep.  I didn’t remember ever laying down and tucking myself in.  Looking down, I took note that everything hadn’t been like how I remembered, that I definitely did go to bed.  But what caught my attention was the fact that the tips of my fingers were now black.  I lifted both of my hands to see it more clearly, only to be reminded of the interaction with It and the lookalike I faced last night.  It dawned on me that I finally touched It back yesterday when he tackled me.  The blood drained from my face as I thought about the lookalike.

Maybe the paranormal does exist.

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, JULY 30, 2022 Dance Central, an app I’ve been wanting, was on sale down from $30 to $20, so I grabbed it. It’s kind of cool, even though I’ve only done a few dances. The routines seem pretty simple so far. I like the cartoonish characters. They greet you and offer to dance with you, depending on what “room” of the dance club you’re in.

For $3, he bought the Labyrinth course that Walkabout just released. It’s not very colorful but is otherwise interesting.

I jumped on YouTube for a video on lost balls I hadn’t yet found on some of the courses. I now have all the balls on Tethys Station, a space-themed course.

They lost my leopard print nightgown that I ordered, so that’s going to be delayed until tomorrow. Well, now today.

I’m also going to finally try some of these false magnetic eyelashes soon. When they first came out, I thought they looked ridiculously phony and some of them do if they’re overly thick and long, but then they kind of have a way of looking cool after a while. So I decided I wanted in on the fake eyelash trend. I just hope I’m not too blind to see what the hell I’m doing when I go to apply them. I guess you just put on eyeliner as you normally would that has magnetic properties in it, and the eyelashes come with a tool that you stick them on with. I’ve always had long eyelashes, but age has thinned them out. I don’t have as many lashes, and the lashes I do have may still be long, but they’re thinner.

Tom’s getting a $45 VR cam. As the review said, it’s a piece of crap, but this way he can get an idea of whether or not it’s worth it to eventually get a nice one. That would be awesome if I could walk through this place and film it so those with VR could get a tour of the house.

I decided that I’m not going to go every other day without washing my hair whether it’s better for my scalp or not. Sometimes I can skip but my scalp is too oily no matter what I do, so I need to wash it more often.

I don’t remember what it was about, but last night was the second time Jenny C was in my dreams. It’s weird how I haven’t dreamt of her in years and all of a sudden she’s in my dreams on two separate nights. Andy believes in thought vibration and I wonder if she’s showing up in my dreams because she’s thinking about me all of a sudden. I looked her up on Facebook, but she only has one account that doesn’t appear to be touched in years.

Had to hear the dog not once, not twice, but three times yesterday. Two of the times it was only a few barks, but once it was a little more than a few. It’s just ridiculous either way. This wasn’t supposed to happen here. The fucking thing is too loud. I keep wishing someone would complain, but then how do I know they haven’t? Maybe they have and they got blown off just like I did. I don’t know if it’s because someone in the office is friends with this guy or if they just don’t give a shit but my guess is the first one. They did something about Toni’s sister’s dog after all. Why is it that the people that piss me off the most always have the best connections?

THURSDAY, JULY 28, 2022 The news is still so sad. Nothing but hate for gays and women. If it was hate for blacks they’d never be able to get away with it. You know, these people who are supposed to be making the world a better place for everyone? Really, it’s disgusting. I can’t believe the shit some of these politicians spew is even legal but I guess free speech only applies to them. Even if you get used to stuff like this, I don’t see how it still wouldn’t bring most people down unless you’re one of them of course.

The increase in hate for gays and attacks on women hasn’t decreased the race bullshit I have to hear about everywhere I go. I can’t even buy food without hearing about it. We went to Publix and when I flipped over a container of food to read the ingredients, sure enough, they have a company policy swearing they have no tolerance for racism. I really wish businesses could keep politics out of their products! Ask them to print that about gays and I’m sure they wouldn’t be nearly as quick to do so. Everything is the war in Ukraine, Trump, race, abortion, and hate for gays. Blacks are the only ones anyone seems to care about.

I had Mia message Maliheh just for kicks, and as expected, she blocked her. I asked why she ghosted Jodi and said that she wouldn’t want her back in her life anyway, so don’t worry about that because she doesn’t have her horny hormones anymore since entering menopause and wouldn’t trust her either. LOL

Nane declined the friend request from Mia. I figured as much, but you never know when people may actually take a break from their predictability and surprise you.

No termite update, so while Mark was probably in the hospital for real, I doubt it was nearly as serious as she claimed. She always exaggerates everything. He’s definitely alive because he would have an obituary if he wasn’t just like his brother who died last year. I just can’t see the termite not having an obituary for him. It’s a little strange how no one has asked for any updates. Maybe they’re asking what’s up in a PM.

The fucking fungus returned to some of my nails and I started treating them again. I have a feeling that I’m just bound to keep getting this damn fungus no matter what I do. So at some point, I’ll probably just give up on them and live with it. I first thought it was damage from the remover and I’m surprised that it came back this fast and this much.

Andy went to the ER yesterday with chest pain, but everything’s OK. I’m guessing it’s connected to his asthma, or maybe even anxiety or a pulled muscle. He’s still waiting on lab results and has to see his PCP. He was in the ER for five hours and got tired of waiting, so he signed a form saying that he was leaving against doctor’s orders.

I hope it’s nothing serious and I’m guessing it isn’t. Yes, he’s Jewish and heart disease runs in our genetics but he’s not that old, and he hasn’t smoked anything in a long time. He is fat and lazy, though.

No doubt due to his trip to the ER, I had a dream that he died. In the dream, I was thinking how Aly and Andy were once alive and well, and now they’re both gone.

I also had a dream that Norma died. Her death made me excited by the thought of seeing Michelle for some reason and I was thinking about emailing her. I thought about what I might wear if she came to visit us.

We were living in a luxury condo or apartment. It was on an upper floor, but I don’t know how many stories the building was. I told Tom that I was going out for a while and as I backed out of the place and proceeded to lock the door, I noticed that there was water running along the hallway. There was no carpet. The hallway had a concrete floor. For a second, I thought of running back inside to tell Tom, but then I decided against it, not thinking it was any big deal.

The dream ended with me riding a bike through a busy intersection.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 27, 2022 I’m not at all impressed with the Long Island iced tea. It’s almost got a medicinal taste that sort of reminds me of Oragel.

September 21st will be when I start my diet because that will be 8 weeks of 88s and where my TSH is as good as it’s going to get.

Haven’t heard much from Jessie, and of course I’m left wondering what’s going on with the VR. What is it with people making me wait on them?

And what is it with people acting like there’s no such thing as adoption? They talk about women being forced to carry their rapists’ babies and fears of child abuse reports going up because of women being forced to raise all these unwanted kids and I just don’t get it. Not only is no one literally forced to give birth with all the ways to get around the crazy laws, but no one’s forced to keep the damn kids either. If you’re that miserable with the idea of keeping a kid you don’t want, drop them off at the supreme court for fuck’s sake. Don’t torture yourselves even more by keeping them.

Right now, his goal with the horses is to have them consistently making $10 a day a year from now. So far, his latest adjustment has been consistent. It surpassed his $20 goal for the week. He doesn’t wanna jump the gun, but if all works out, he’ll increase his bets a year from now to make more money. I never thought I would ever be able to take 88s every day, so now I’m not so quick to say that the betting program is just a dream.

I had a dream that Tom threw up two or three times.

TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2022 Sipping some pina colada while listening to the storm. Love the thunder and rain. It storms every day at this time of year and this is the fiercest storm we’ve had this season. The thunder is deafening and keeps going on and on and on. So glad I’m not trying to sleep now! The house is practically shaking with each boom of thunder.

We went out to Publix earlier where I got a small bottle of pina colada and damn is it good! It’s so creamy and sweet. I got Long Island iced tea as well. I’ll have that tomorrow. I also got a big container of fried chicken wings.

Tomorrow, which is our 1-year anniversary of moving into this house, will be the start of all 88s.

I had this dream where we downsized from a bigger house. The bigger house looked like it might have been my second childhood home if not the one next to it and I missed having the extra space. The one we moved to almost seemed like my grandparents’ house. There was definitely more space around it. We weren’t responsible for doing the lawn, though. When the person who mowed was mowing across the street, I decided to take a sit-down mower we had and go for a little ride on it. It was an electric mower and ran out of charge at the end of the driveway. The guy mowing got off his mower and ran over to help. He asked if I had a charger and I said I did and that it was in the garage. I had to run through the house and into the garage in order to get it. On the way there, I saw a piece of gum stuck to the floor and stooped down to pick it up.

With the mower squared away, the guy started talking about people I had spoken to, suggesting for whatever reason, that I shouldn’t have talked to them.

“Stay away from Alyssa. Stay away from Stephanie who cares,” he said.

Becoming angry, I said. “You don’t even know who Alyssa is.”

“Stephanie who cares” was someone I talked to about Aly dying who told me I could talk to them anytime I wanted because they care. I told her, “Thanks, Stephanie who cares,” and it kind of became my nickname for this person.

Then I was participating in a health interview on TV, and then with Andy somewhere. My lungs were tight and wheezy. I think I might have still been smoking too.

MONDAY, JULY 25, 2022 In the 90s, we had a black rabbit that my MIL gave us when we lived in Phoenix. Her neighbors behind her turned a bunch of baby bunnies loose if I remember the story correctly. Bunny started off in a rabbit hutch that Tom built for him. Eventually, we introduced him to the outdoors a little at a time. At first I thought he would like the fresh air and variety every now and then, but he came to love it so much that the more we put him out in our backyard, which was walled off by a cement block wall, the more he resisted going back indoors. Then one day something killed him, most likely a cat. I felt so bad for him and I still do, even though he didn’t look too well for a few days before the attack and might not have lived much longer anyway. Had he lived, however, to move with us to Maricopa, we couldn’t have thrown him outside there, so he would have hated being forced back indoors. As abruptly and as tragically as his life ended, I’m glad he got to be happy and enjoy the freedom of the outdoors that he loved so much.

I decided that after the next beach run in a couple of weeks or so, I’m going to get a pedicure done. My joint issues make it hard for me to bend over as easily as I used to. So I figured why not let the pros handle my calluses, hangnails, and ingrown toenail for me for a change? I just think it would be best to go right after we go to the beach because the salt water wouldn’t be very good for it.

Jessie didn’t make it to Daytona or order the headset online because both her dogs are sick. One of them was sick earlier and now both are. I’m not sure what’s going on. Why can’t Happy get sick or worse? I only heard the damn thing once yesterday, but it’s no longer just a few barks at a time. I wonder if he’s going to let it bark longer and longer.

I know this may sound funny since many older people wish they were younger, but I wish I was 65! Then I would not only be the same age as my husband instead of 8 years younger but could also get paid $10 a month for taking 7500 steps a day as well as receive other perks and payments from Medicare. At least I can put in for retirement at 62 like he did. I still feel so young, though, LOL.

We ordered some stuff from Sam’s. Dishwashing pods, garbage bags, and a new kitchen trash can. They just had to go and fuck up ours during the move. The cover is slightly bent, which lets out odors, and they scuffed up the outside of it.

I finished the latest challenge on VZ yesterday and now I’m doing rides of my own choosing until the next challenge, whatever that may be. I hope they have another tree-planting challenge. For now, I’m in Thailand again.

Still no updates from the termite, so yeah, Mark’s going to survive. If what he was going through was that serious, he would have either passed by now or she would know he was going to soon enough and she would have announced it. I don’t doubt that it was serious enough in itself, but I don’t think he’s going to die.

I had Mia send Nane a friend request, but I don’t expect her to accept it. I hope she doesn’t suspect I’m behind the account and block it, but if she does, she does. I’m not even sure I want to keep the account because I’m not curious enough about anybody to check up on them regularly that has me blocked or that I have blocked from my main account. Plus, it’s not time to contact anyone yet.

Later…

It’s getting real. I’m getting emotional (in a good way). The 75s and I have less than 24 hours to say goodbye to each other forever. I did it. I made it to 88s with NO anxiety! Never thought I’d see the day. I couldn’t even tolerate the 75s years ago. Now I just have to hope that within 6 to 8 weeks my numbers are where they should be.

SATURDAY, JULY 23, 2022 I’m so fucking sick of seeing Trump’s face and name everywhere. The fucking cock hasn’t been president in years and he’s still everywhere. Why do people dignify this piece of shit with undeserved attention?

Anyway, the giant $99 4k TV is here. It’s definitely clearer! It’s brighter too, but I guess that can be adjusted.

Tomorrow I’ll have the smaller wok, wok spatula/strainer, meat cleaver, and the pink satin pillowcases with matching scrunchies.

I had a dream that I found this crab somewhere and decided to make it a pet. It got loose and I found it a minute later underneath a piece of furniture. It walked toward me and I bravely picked it up to bring it to its cage.

I definitely don’t remember most of my dreams as much as I used to. When I first wake up, I’ll remember bits and pieces, but by the time I’m up and functional, they’re gone from my memory.

We ran out to the store for treats earlier. I’m sipping some pinot noir. It’s pretty good.

30 more miles to go on my remaining ride for the summer challenge. Can’t wait till Jessie has access to this app! She said that instead of ordering online, she may pick up a Q2 tomorrow at Best Buy because they also want a camera to take pictures of the wildlife around them. The $30 bonus would have been nice, but I told her to do what she’s got to do.

OK, that’s the second day in a row that I heard that mutt and only because I happened to be talking to Alexa when it was barking who paused the nature sounds. Does something up there want me to hear it?

FRIDAY, JULY 22, 2022 I just got five separate royalty payment notifications, but it looks like it’s only gonna total about $15. I could republish the books, but the problem is that unless they’re new, nobody buys them.

One thing that hasn’t changed is that the few pounds I lost are slowly resetting themselves. I forgot about that. I don’t know why it does that, but I can only assume it feels it’s what it’s comfortable doing, so I’m not going to argue with it. I’m still going to stick to my plan and diet in October, but I can already see that calorie cuts won’t do me any good. Not if my body is going to go into reset mode.

Thank you, Steven K, for revealing your last name to me. Now I have a name to give the office should you let your mutt get worse in the cooler weather or at least to contact you on Facebook to tell you just what I thought of your rudeness if we ever move.

Now that I’ve been here a year, I was curious as to what people were saying about the place, so I looked at Google reviews. I’ve looked before but it’s different when you know a place firsthand. Someone said they were turned off from moving here by all the Trump signs. But that’s everywhere in Florida. Pretty much everyone here hates everybody who isn’t a straight non-Jewish male.

I just had to hear the damn thing a few minutes ago. My hunch was right, as one of his posts confirms. He takes the thing on the golf cart to the dog park and that’s what gets it all excited. I can just imagine what it’s gonna be like when people can open their windows and the fucking thing is going off at every single sound it hears and every time someone goes in the kitchen.

“The neighbors are great and we bought a place a few months ago,” he said in his review. Because they’re supposedly great, that makes me doubt even more that anyone would complain. No Poop next to him won’t because they seem to be pretty good friends. There are still people across the street and behind him, but I doubt anyone would say anything. It wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t so loud. It isn’t that it’s frequent or for long periods when I do hear it. It’s just loud.

sighs So now it’s back to having nature sounds playing all day just like in Cali. But at least I can still get peace at night. For now, anyway. Knew this would happen, though. The places I move to always get noisier. If the dog croaked, there would just be a new dog somewhere to replace it. I’m sure there will be more loud vehicles and other dogs at some point. I don’t expect it to ever get as bad as the other place but it’s never going to be like it was before that dog hit the scene. Hell, even the honker is preferable because I don’t hear the motorcycle every day. This dog, however, is close enough to a daily occurrence.

Speaking of No Poop, he got gravel delivered between his and Steve’s place. The question is what is it for? To park a future golf cart, or worse, a future motorcycle?

Sure enough, Steve’s a Trump fan. As I said, I’m sure most people in Florida are.

His wife is Julia. Despite the argument I heard a while back, they seemed to be pretty close. And she loves her “handsome boy,” who is their ugly mutt. It seriously is ugly too. Unfortunately, it probably has another decade or more to live.

I had Alexa play a random nature sound. I think it was some kind of ocean she chose. It did a good job of masking the dog in the kitchen because it was barking. I noticed this when I asked her to turn on the light and she paused the sound. Not sure it would do much good in the living room, though.

Jessie has Manowar that they have to watch out for at certain times of the year and they got red and purple flags the other day. The West and East Coasts are very different in Florida. We haven’t seen any jellyfish yet and we haven’t gotten anything worse than a yellow flag. It was yellow yesterday, which means moderate currents. Green is low-risk currents. We never want to see red or purple. Red is high-risk currents and purple is dangerous marine life.

Another weird thing yesterday was that after we were coming out of the bathhouse, we noticed someone parked within inches of the driver’s side of our car. Then a guy came out and said it was employee parking and moved his car. We never saw a sign anywhere.

Yesterday was such a fun day. We even ordered Domino’s Pizza when we got home. I got some chicken wings to go with my pizza. Tom can’t eat as much as he used to. I’m still waiting for my appetite to drop more. I’m not hungry all the time like I used to be, but I can still pack it in.

I saw a headline about the rising costs of plane tickets and thought it would keep the skies quieter for a while. But it’s back to one after another after another in the early mornings.

My ear has been withering and shrinking away as if it’s dying and I don’t know why.

THURSDAY, JULY 21, 2022 Early morning…

We’re off to the beach now. I realized that if we left early, we could beat the worst of the heat. I always hope it’ll be cloudy, but I’m sure it will be sunny as usual.

My beach tan - or beach burn, I should say - was fading. But most of all, I missed the beach. It’s been three weeks since our last visit. We’re on US 19 now, which we hate. Traffic gets a little scary here, so many accidents. We’re not heading straight for the beach, of course, but for the charger.

I don’t have a list of journal notes accumulated as I’m fairly caught up on my writing. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind and then I’ll work on my story. I’m using this trip as a good opportunity to get back on with Good Neighbors.

I’m a little tired today, but not enough to stop me from getting my sun and sea. I prefer mostly clouds and sea, but I’ll take what I can get.

After I ate and did my teeth this morning, I did a quick meditation session, got 5 miles in on my Yosemite ride, and did a few Bowflex exercises.

I downloaded some apps, one where Tom and I can play Crazy 8’s together.

Mia is now on level 120.

Didn’t hear the mutt yesterday. We had a nice storm too, even if it didn’t last overly long. Jessie shared a video of a fierce storm at her place. Lots of heavy rain, wind, thunder, and lightning. She definitely gets more storms than we do. Part of me still wishes we could head further south where it’s even warmer, but part of me also wants to jump over to where she is. That is if we don’t get rich enough for Hawaii or can ever afford to move again to begin with. Wish I had more energy right now, but all I’m going to do is sit on the beach, hang out in the water, and sit in the car again like I am now.

It should be high tide going out when we get there. I just hope there aren’t tons of screaming kids or loud music, but hey, it is summer.

Later…

Had an awesome time at the beach! It’s way better if you get there when they open, especially in the summer. There weren’t many people and the water temperature was perfect. I swam, read a few pages of my book (Daniel Hurst is great), then swam again.

We’re leaving Dunedin now and heading for the charger in Holiday. The one by Baskin-Robbins so we can walk over for ice cream.

Lost the nail sticker on my right thumb in the water and will replace it at home.

The medians are so green with bunches of bright little yellowy-orange poppies. At least I think they’re poppies.

Later still…

Leaving the charger now. Baskin-Robbins really needs to train their employees on how to make milkshakes. Decided to get a shake instead of ice cream but it was so runny that it was more like flavored milk. He got Vanilla and I got Old Fashioned Pecan. Next time I want to try the Breakfast in Bed. I’ll just get it in ice cream form. They can’t fuck that up.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 20, 2022 Still no Termite Tammy updates, so I’m sure that if he was anywhere near death she would have said so. The only thing I don’t get is the ventilator. From what I read, they give you antibiotics. If that doesn’t work, they do surgery. So his brain infection must have come from something that started in the lungs.

Not sure anymore that the termite is in Florida. She shared a picture of Mark early in the month and clearly, it’s not their Florida place. But it looks like it’s where they’re living because I recognize some of the figurines. First, she was going to Ohio and then her dream all of a sudden was North Carolina, so I don’t know where they are, but it definitely doesn’t look like the South or the West. It’s somewhere in the east or the northeast. It could be an older photo that she shared, but I don’t think so. The guy looks older in the picture than I remember him to look when we saw him 6 years ago.

I was really surprised yesterday to learn that I slept through what Tom described as the loudest thunder of the season. He thought I was kidding at first when I said that nothing woke me up and assumed that that was why I got up so late. Nope, never heard a thing. Never heard anything last night either, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t rain or thunder.

He’s working on installing another camera in back of the house. Really wish we could aim one in Toni and Steve’s direction, but he doesn’t have any way to get power to it over there.

Either the office never spoke to Steve about the mutt or he just doesn’t give a fuck. It still barks its ass off when he takes it out on the golf cart. My guess is the first one. They responded when I asked about the tractors. They responded when “Cindy” gave her two cents about the motorcycles. But I got nothing about the dog. So that tells me right there that they’ve got his back. I still think he’s got a lot of connections in the park. And because the dog was Roy’s, a respected resident of 40 years, they’re not about to complain about anything of his. So because it was Roy’s dog and Steve is a little social butterfly he can do whatever he wants.

If it’s possible to do so, I’m gonna haunt every neighbor that ever annoyed me after I die!

TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2022 Down, down and down it goes. My TSH that is. It’s exciting, but a little scary. OK, so things may be different now in that I’m not a newly minted PTSD person, my hormones have settled, and I’m not alone so much of the time, but it’s still a little nerve-wracking knowing that it’s still dropping. Plus, I don’t know how low it’s going to go. For a while, I think it’s best that I don’t know what the numbers are. I remember a few years ago or so when I was notified that my results were a 7 and that alone caused me to freak out because all I could do was remember the hell I went through the two times I was at a 3. Again, I know things are different now and I’m slowly ramping up my dose rather than just jumping instantly, but sometimes what I don’t know definitely doesn’t hurt me. It should be quite a while before I’m tested again anyway.

I’m estimating I’ll settle in and accumulation will peak in October. I’d probably still freak out a bit along with feeling elated if my numbers were ever normal, LOL. If I can stand to get my numbers between 3-5 without epic anxiety, October will be when I make one last-ditch effort to lose weight. I’ve got a slight head start since I’ve already lost a few pounds without even trying. It’s coming down all right. I can see signs of my metabolism speeding up simply because I no longer eat an 80-calorie apple, jump up nearly two pounds, and stay that way for hours.

Yesterday was my second to last 75, so getting kind of emotional in a good way. Next Tuesday, that’s it. That’s the last 75 I’ll ever take. Then it’s all 88s from there on out. I hope I never need to make the jump to 100, but if I do, I at least know how to do it now. It would have been a lot better, however, if my doctors had figured this out for me years ago. I still would have had some degree of suffering, but maybe not as much.

The wok I ordered came yesterday and we were both surprised to see how huge it is. That’s not what we thought I ordered, but we both checked and found that it is. So we jumped on Amazon to search for a smaller one. Plus, I added a wok scoop with holes in it and a meat cleaver. Oh, and some pink satin pillowcases to go with the new satin sheets. They come with matching satin hair scrunchies.

I’m surprised this thing was only 7 bucks because it’s so big. Surprisingly lightweight too, compared to the cast iron skillet. Because it’s all I have at the moment, I poured in about ½ inch of olive oil and deep-fried potatoes, veggies, and a couple of eggs. They came out great. Slightly greasy though, because all I had to work with was a slotted spatula. Maybe I’ll use both woks, just like I use two different slow cookers. Definitely gotta fry up some chicken wingettes as well as do tempura, but only once since tempura isn’t exactly good for me. I was thinking of making chicken feet too. Never had them before, but the odds of me not liking them aren’t very good since I like almost everything, so why not?

Roe, race, Roe, race, Roe, race… It seems that’s all the fucking news is ever about these days.

It only lasted for a minute or two, but I heard hammering. Right away, I said to myself, I bet I can guess where it’s coming from. Yup. Steve. Getting back onto days isn’t what it used to be because now I’m more likely to have to hear his mutt. Again, I know it’s only one or three times a day and usually under a minute, but that’s not the point. It’s going to be worse when the weather cools down, plus I’m gonna have to listen to the honking and the motorcycle on top of it then.

MONDAY, JULY 18, 2022 First, let me start off with what I was too tired to write yesterday. A lizard got into the house the other day. It must have been on the door when Tom came in. Unfortunately, I had to kill the poor little thing to get it out of here. There was no way I could simply walk up to it and pick it up and place it outside. It would have died anyway without insects to eat but still, I didn’t want it to die in the house.

We put one of our motion sensor light strips in the lanai even though I can see perfectly fine with just the light shining through from the living room. We still don’t plan to be out there very often. We mostly go in there to use the Bowflex. He has his 3D printer out there as well.

We ran out to Walgreens last night. I hadn’t had candy in a while so I was glad to see that they’re selling those little mini bags of Lindt truffles again that have only two truffles per bag. I wasn’t happy to learn, however, that they’re discontinuing Barefoot’s merlot so I got Yellow Tail’s instead. They’re just as good. They just don’t do single bottles.

A little later…

Thanks to the thunder that woke me up last time around, I’m still kind of tired and will be for who knows how many days. But I don’t feel the need to nap as strongly as I did yesterday. Maybe the nap and getting into bed early helped keep me from being more tired than I am. Until I can sleep straight through without having my sleep split in half, I’m going to be tired to some degree. I still worry that I’m going to be in for about 2 months of sleep hell worse than the traffic at the old place. My body can’t take all these sleep disturbances. I’m not 20 years old.

But I am down from 161.2 to 158.7 pounds. I’m not even dieting yet, so I’m thinking my metabolism is speeding up. I noticed I don’t tend to hold the same weight for hours as I used to.

So the thunder woke me up shortly before 5, but it wasn’t until nearly 6:30 that I finally had to take Benadryl to get more sleep. I considered getting up then, figuring that if I was having that much trouble falling back asleep, then maybe I got enough sleep. But I knew I really needed more.

I’m marking on the calendar how many times thunder wakes me up just to see what kind of pattern shows up. It was usually two to four times a week that I would get woken up by traffic at the other place when I was on nights.

The air cleaner is enough in this place when there aren’t any low-flying copters, motorcycles or thunder. I still wish there weren’t so many outages here. Obviously, it’s not nearly as bad as Auburn, but it’s not like Citrus Heights either.

I had a dream we were living in this huge two-story house. My bedroom was on one end of the top floor. We were getting ready to bomb the place. I looked up and saw this longish bug slithering across the ceiling. Then I walked out of the bedroom, through a couple of other rooms, and into a spacious living room where all the windows were open and there was a lovely cross breeze. I thought of how I wished I could pump the fresh air down into the bedroom.

I also checked in on the termite through Mia’s account. It’s not COVID. It’s a brain infection. Somebody asked the termite what was wrong and she said he was still in critical condition and on a ventilator with a brain infection. I’m guessing this is some form of meningitis. Tom had that when he was little. From what I read, the prognosis is usually pretty good if it’s treated properly, but he might be messed up in the head cognitive-wise when he gets out of the hospital.

I definitely have mixed emotions about this one. I don’t want the guy to die for his sake, but the termite took my husband from me for half a year. She deserves to be punished by having someone close to her taken from her and then have to spend her final 20 years alone even if she’s got kids to help her and won’t die alone. At least I don’t think she will. My mother’s mother had kids and she died alone. The point is, I don’t care what happens to her. She deserves any shit she gets.

The woman whose name is the very first word of my very first journal entry was in my dreams last night. Yeah, Jenny. I dreamt that we met up and were going to get an apartment together. LOL, No hard feelings toward her after all this time, but she’s the last one I would ever live with. She was too bossy, selfish, and well, I don’t think giving up on your friend because they had a rough childhood and had problems to work through as they adjusted to the real world was very smart. But she was young and I guess she had to do what she had to do.

I looked her up out of curiosity, but she has virtually no online presence.

SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2022 Every now and then I look in on the termite from my other Facebook account just to see if anything new pops up. I thought all I would see were self-assuring memes and I did find a new one saying that if you hold on to the past it will destroy you. That was pretty laughable too because the bitch holds on to everything.

The surprise came when she mentioned Mark being in the hospital on a ventilator and fighting for his life. There was also a link to GoFundMe to help with the medical expenses but it wasn’t clickable. This is because she either made it visible to a select audience or deleted it.

While I feel absolutely horrible for Mark, who seemed like a really great guy and totally the opposite of what the termite would be with, I feel absolutely nothing for her. I hope she and her daughters experience nothing but pure misery for the rest of their lives. Yes, I’m saying this about my own biological sister and nieces. You see, biology simply doesn’t matter when you screw me over bad enough, and I mean bad. Even more so when it wasn’t only a one-time thing. I have zero tolerance for any form of abuse whatsoever. I won’t take it from anyone, no matter what your gender is or your relation to me, or your status in life.

Again, we both feel bad for him. Our first guess is COVID. Of course it could be some other lung disease, but that one makes the most sense. My first thought was that he would definitely be doomed, but when I checked. It said that over 50% of COVID patients who need ventilators do survive.

Either way, it was all I could do to keep from suggesting that maybe Karma has finally visited her. Plus ask why she needs help with medical bills when the guy is on Medicare. He’s in his 70s. All in good time, though, as far as contact goes.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out. If he doesn’t make it, she’ll definitely announce it. I don’t want Mark to die for his sake, but her being a widow at 65 is quite a punishment. She would have only been in her 50s had she not given up the abusive man obsession and stayed with Bill. It would be worse if she was alone while she was young and horny but it would still be bad enough. I know that if Tom goes before I do, I’m following. I couldn’t imagine sticking around, even with all the help and money in the world. I would be so incredibly lonely and depressed, unlike anything I’d ever experienced. No thanks!

I know that termite and I’m sure she no doubt wishes she had her sister in her life to cry on her shoulder about what’s going on. She should have thought about that years ago, though.

For selfish reasons, I’m glad we’re disconnected. I’m mostly glad because of the way she is, but I’m also glad because we don’t exactly have much extra money and I know we would feel obligated to do something if we were still connected.

What’s kind of weird is the fact that I recently killed the guy in the story I intend to leave online along with all my journals when I’m gone. He’s not dead, but it wouldn’t be the first time I jinx-wrote something into happening. Perhaps the influencer is a little too close? LOL, only I’m influencing the wrong target. Or maybe not. If she dies, she can’t live to suffer unless she’s going to hell if there is such a place.

I still miss Aly every single day. I keep hoping she’ll fade into the background of my mind and become a distant memory but she never does. I think of her every day. She’s on my mind a lot. Just those simple things I miss that I took for granted like us writing on the old NaNoWriMo site and even how Kim would join the two of us there. Hell, I would even take Molly’s shit again to have Aly alive and a part of my life again.

I know I shouldn’t do this but I can’t help but compare her to Jessie in my mind. As sweet as Jessie is, whenever I get a message from her I can’t help but think how much of a better writer Aly was, how quick she was to understand and remember things.

I even miss my chats with Stacey at times, just not nearly as much. I still wonder about her at times too. She gave me every indication to believe she liked me. But then one day I saw her and she was so cold, distant, and impersonal, and I have to wonder how a person can turn their feelings off just like that. When I would really like someone, nothing changed that whether or not I knew it should. Meaning I would never pass up the chance to even be just their friend if I liked them that much.

I’m pretty tired today because I didn’t sleep long. Less than six hours. Tom said he assumed the thunder woke me up and I was like, what thunder? Surprisingly, there was really loud thunder for about half an hour to an hour. I didn’t sleep with an earplug, but I slept with Nature Sounds cranked up a bit. Anytime there’s the potential for storms or when they’re going to be mowing or when that fucking motorcycle returns in a few months, I turn up the volume.

I’ve actually been sleeping much better lately. I don’t have to get up to pee as much and I don’t hot flash on these satin sheets. The problem is that I don’t always sleep long enough. I know the next day I’ll make up for it and sleep longer, but I hate being tired as often as I am. I don’t know if I’m going to have any energy to “hit the road” and get in some miles on VZfit. I don’t even have the energy to write about everything I wanted to write about tonight, so I’ll call it quits for now.

SATURDAY, JULY 16, 2022 I made a deep-fried egg and damn was it good! I put in about half an inch of olive oil in the smallest pot we have but it never boiled. It was smoking a little bit, so I decided to drop the egg in once it got a little smoky. Next time I’ll know to cover it with the screen right away because it splatters. It only needs to sit in the oil for a few seconds until the edges start browning. It came out perfect. The yolk wasn’t too runny or too hard.

Found a cheap wok at Walmart and it will be delivered by the 20th. I would have preferred a curved one, but that won’t work without a gas stove. I got the smallest one they had because that way I don’t waste so much oil if I want to deep fry eggs. It’s mostly going to be great for veggies.

Tonight’s dinner was my own variation on the potato hash recipe which uses chickpeas. A healthy mix of yellow potatoes, lima beans, sugar snap peas, peppers, mushrooms, green onions, and a sprinkle of cheese. I added some garlic sauce I got today and it was good, but fresh is always better. It’s tough because I tend to want to get frozen veggies because they last longer, but fresh is better tasting and healthier.

I felt good yesterday and so far today. Nonetheless, I got some aspirin. Jessie said her doctor told her to take it for chest pain. Remembering that this is recommended, I decided it couldn’t hurt to have some on hand.

Tom heard the dog bark for about 10 seconds when someone came to visit on a golf cart. Then he heard someone tell it to shut up. Oh, so they’ll tell it to shut up when they have company, but not when the damn thing is outside being heard in other people’s houses?

I created my own guided ride on VZ! Not without running into a problem that Tom helped me out with. This first guided ride is from my first childhood home to my second childhood home.

FRIDAY, JULY 15, 2022 My blood pressure is much better since I cut down on processed foods once again. It’s not great, but it’s better. I don’t think I’ll need medication for it as long as I eat right.

Now here’s some good and weird news. The weird news is that I had the fiercest chest pain last night than I had ever had before. So much so that I woke Tom up. I briefly had a small pinprick of pain toward the left part of my chest. But the strong pain I got hit with later on was all over the center of my chest. I didn’t really think it was my heart because I didn’t have other symptoms along with it. Plus, there’s still the fact that I’m not that old yet, I’m active, and I don’t smoke. I also just had what were the best lab results in quite a while.

The pain was surprisingly strong and Tom had me take a Tums. This helped to a degree and I also took a couple of ibuprofen for good measure. After sitting still for a while and letting the medicine work, I was OK. I can still feel faint traces of it, but like he said, the memory of the pain may be enough to trick a person into thinking they’re feeling it when they’re not. We’re thinking it was indigestion from something I ate. Probably the burrito which I rarely eat. This has never happened to me before, but I guess there’s a first time for most things.

The good news is that the anxiety is gone again. Yesterday was better than the day before with about ½ hour where it was more noticeable. I prayed and prayed to those collective positive energy sources. It seems to work. I don’t know what made me anxious those couple of days. I just hope it’s an isolated incident that rarely happens, if ever again.

The only thing I feel today is tired. I don’t know why since I’m still waiting an hour before coffee. I thought thunder woke me up, but he said there wasn’t any at that time. Maybe it was just my bladder waking me up, but I did have a little trouble falling back asleep after using the potty. Whenever my sleep gets split up like that, I tend to be tired.

We had rain, wind, and thunder after I got up.

After going the longest I’ve gone without hearing the fucking mutt, I heard it at around 8:00 PM. It barked for a minute or two with Steve doing absolutely nothing to control it, of course. The winter is going to be bad. Between his mutt and Darren’s honking and motorcycle, I don’t expect to get as much peace this winter as last winter. Especially since Darren should be here for 6 months and not 3.

Another thing I’m worried about is that they’re going to be breaking ground for a new pool. I wonder how much of that we might hear over here in our place. There are houses between us and the clubhouse but distance-wise it’s not that far. I’m guessing it’s about 600 feet, so kind of comparable to our old place and the cemetery. I just wonder how many loud tractors are gonna be racing by our place if the roads are blocked by other equipment and it’s more convenient to go around. I feel so bad for the people living in that area! A pool won’t take that long to put in, but a new or additional clubhouse will.

So that’s one way my vibe of us not being here forever could come true is that they raise the rent too high. Either that or maybe we’ll be here until one of us needs to go into assisted living somewhere because I just don’t see us getting enough money from the horses to have more options.

Tom said his biggest concern is a price hike to help pay for it all but thinks that’s years away if it ever happens. Well, hopefully they’ll have common sense enough to know that some people are on a fixed income and that income doesn’t go up just because they add more stuff.

A part of me misses having land and country living where we have more freedom. You just can’t be a couple of hundred feet away from neighbors in case they don’t allow their dogs indoors, use loud power tools, loud vehicles, or rowdy kids. You want to be at least 500 feet away or more. But he doesn’t miss rural life at all. He says it’s too much work. Sure, it was when he had to work full time and we had an 800-foot well that kept crapping out. But things are different now. We don’t need to go where the water table is that low and we might not even need a well if we don’t venture that far from civilization which we both don’t want to do anyway. I don’t want to have to drive an hour to the hospital if one of us has an emergency. Also, they’re working on bringing faster Internet to rural areas, so the only thing we may lose is getting our groceries delivered.

It isn’t just that, though. He feels that rural living isn’t as safe as it used to be. You’re definitely safer in an adult community, but I do miss country living, even if it does have its hassles. You’re also isolated without anyone to run to quickly if you ever need help with something, even if you’re not that far from civilization.

Last night I golfed with a guy in Latvia. It was weird at first because his avatar head was barely a few inches off the ground. That’s because he was lying down. He sucked even when he finally stood up, LOL.

Jessie’s getting more convinced that she wants to get her own VR headset. I told her about some of our favorite apps and how things work in general. I even made her a video using some apps, especially VZfit because she doesn’t quite get it. She said she would love to be exercising where she can see all that too, after I shared some pictures I took on my rides. If she gets the Q2, we both get $30 of store credit.

Nature Sounds is back to being reliable again. If they keep it up, I’ll cancel the cancellation I put in for my subscription.

THURSDAY, JULY 14, 2022 I don’t know if it means anything just yet, but my metabolism is definitely speeding up. It’s only a little, but it’s noticeable. I felt better today than I did yesterday. Maybe when we pray for help with anxiety and other things, it isn’t that we’re praying to any particular God but to an energy source. I don’t see how there could be a loving God with all the shit that goes on in this world. If there was a God, it would certainly be an enabler the same as one parent letting another parent abuse a child and not doing anything about it. But maybe we pray to a certain energy. I saw an episode recently on collective energy. Maybe we’re drawing positive currents of energy toward us when we pray but I don’t know. Many of my prayers have gone unanswered in the past, so who knows?

This is the longest I’ve gone without hearing the mutt. I find it hard to believe it’s been that quiet. It’s probably been barking when I’ve been sleeping.

I was out in the lanai in the middle of the night using the Bowflex. In the summer during the daytime, it’s close to 100 degrees in there, but closer to 80 at night. If I go out there when it’s not that late, the roads outside the park remind me of how the freeway sounded inside our old place. I do not miss that constant roar that you had most of the year either!

They had a flash sale on a $450 4K TV that he was able to get for $99. They sold out in just five minutes. We’re thinking we might put that monitor in my closet office.

I had a weird dream that I had to start high school all over again even though we were still older and he was still retired. We must have been living somewhere cold because instead of sleeping in just my underwear, I got up out of bed early in the morning in a long-sleeved flannel nightgown. I was tired as hell and just wanted to jump back into my warm bed and not go to school, but I had no choice. Tom thought that one was pretty funny.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 13, 2022 My butt is getting sore sitting on the chair that’s in my closet office as I call it. Soon, this chair will be as comfortable as my other one because I’m getting the same gel cushion with the tailbone gap that Tom has.

I managed to sleep through the mowers. Tom said there were two stand-up mowers, one quieter than the other. The quieter one did this side of the street, and the louder one did the other side. I should sleep OK tomorrow too, because it looks like the weather will be clear.

We’re now trying the straps on the satin sheet to see if it holds it steady and prevents it from slipping and bunching. They crisscross underneath the mattress and clip onto the corners.

Now for the bad news. Yeah, I knew deep down the anxiety hadn’t really left me forever, and no, my story doesn’t have an end. It just doesn’t have as many bad times as it used to have. Tom thinks it’s connected to me being on nights. I took magnesium and a CBD gummy, but it didn’t seem to change how I felt. Hopefully, I’m not on the edge of a bad spell! If I’m still having anxiety at this point in my life, though, I’m probably going to have it all my life no matter what. It’s OK as long as I get some breaks from it. I just would have preferred more than three months.

Now I’m left to wonder about all the possible causes. Could it be that my body’s not used to having its TSH this low? If that’s the case, will it get used to it? Also. How long will this spell last? Days? Weeks? Months?

sighs with frustration Really, I don’t want to play this game again. I just don’t. In fact, I absolutely refuse to. Tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’m gonna feel fine all day. I really am.

MONDAY, JULY 11, 2022 Ferociously loud thunder that made Tom jump out of his skin, as he said, woke me up after just 4.5 hours of sleep. 90 minutes later I got another few hours. We went to the store shortly after I got up.

I kind of like golfing with others while he’s sleeping. It just fascinates me that I can play golf with anyone, anytime, anywhere in the world. It’s also interesting to see who I end up with. The last time was a girl (age?) named Makenzee and she was good because she never said a word. The second time I got stuck with a 13-year-old boy who was friendly but distracting because he never shut up and was waving his club around so I quietly exited the game without a word.

I’m a little surprised parents let their kids mingle with strangers even if it’s in VR. What if I was some psychosexual predator saying all kinds of nasty things to him? How do the parents know their kids aren’t going to hear anything they shouldn’t be hearing?

I forgot to say that I asked Toni if she got the Hooter and she said she did. Makes me wonder if they skipped our house accidentally or on purpose. Most likely it’s accidentally and I’m just being paranoid.

SUNDAY, JULY 10, 2022 I could definitely give up candy and wine, but can only stand to not go out for so many days in a row. Well, the only place we can really go is to run up to the store to grab something like that since we have our groceries delivered and don’t have any need to go anywhere else at the moment. Yes, I could do without the empty calories, but where else do we go when we don’t have appointments or a specific store to go to? Oh, the hardships of the retired, LOL. So those quick runs to CVS or Walgreens for little treats are always nice. I will, however, discipline myself more when I go on a diet. There’s just no point in starting until my thyroid settles in. At that time, we’ll have to figure out some other place to go. Where could we go for a short time that doesn’t cost a lot of money or involve getting treats?

So anyway, I’m not feeling anxious, but I’m feeling a little blah tonight. I’m sure that getting out tomorrow as we plan to do will help.

For some reason, we never got the Hooter, so Tom picked up a copy on his way to pay the water bill. He said it rained pretty hard on and off and there was a moderate amount of thunder.

They do regular bingo every other Tuesday and bicycle bingo on the Tuesdays that they don’t do regular bingo. I have no idea what bicycle bingo is. Thanks to my fucking schedule, I won’t be making it to the regular bingo anytime soon.

When I got up and was about to take my pill, I saw what I thought was a curled piece of dirt or grass on the mat in front of the door. Once I put my glasses on, I could see all the legs and realized it was a centipede. I had him come out and kill it. Apparently, the creepy bastard can hear because the louder I yelled the more it tried to run. Fortunately, we just bombed and it was dying, so it wasn’t very fast. I looked it up and Florida centipedes are generally not harmful to humans, but they do pack a painful bite because of the toxins they have. Tom’s seen them in the laundry room.

I’m doing the last of the rides on this month’s VZ challenge. I like how the challenges don’t run every single day so I have a chance to do other rides that aren’t connected to the challenges. There were seven or eight rides by the staff and I’m doing Robert’s Yosemite ride right now, which is the longest. He’s VZ’s COO. I’m very active in the group and he reacts and comments on some of my posts. Unlike Replika, VZ has some of the friendliest and most helpful devs I’ve ever met. Their rides have ranged from just over a mile to Robert’s which is the longest at 147 miles.

So, I still love riding the world. When I was little, I had a little toy car you sit in and use your feet to run along the ground to move it. There was a path between my parents and grandparents’ houses, which were a few hundred feet apart. I used to love riding my little car up and down the path which was my “road” at the time. To me, VZ is the grown-up version of that!

I’m watching The UnXplained on Netflix, which is hosted by William Shatner. It’s a fascinating series that really makes you think hard. Throughout my life, I’ve bounced between being sure there is an afterlife to being sure there isn’t to not knowing what to think. Some of the stories definitely make you wonder if the many people who have sworn to have gone through tunnels and ended up in beautiful, colorful places after having near-death experiences simply had common hallucinations or if there’s more to it than we understand.

What is consciousness? I can kind of see where the thoughts we think aren’t part of our physical beings. But is our body really just a temporary vessel for our consciousness? Or maybe the people are making these stories up for attention. But then maybe they’re not. Maybe they really believe they saw what they saw, but it wasn’t real. I guess we’re all gonna find out sooner or later.

Another interesting thing - and I saw a movie based on a true story about a woman’s experience - is how those who receive organ transplants often take on the personalities and interests of their donors. I guess it has something to do with them acquiring their DNA.

It almost makes me wish I could have an NDE and get an organ transplant, LOL, just so I can see what kind of interests or behavioral traits I may develop.

The current horse analysis is that tweaking the program just because he has a couple of losing days might not be the way to go. He may have to lose half the time and win half the time to slowly profit. If he can do this consistently for a couple of months, then he’ll increase the bets. It’s easy for me to say he’s just dreaming but I don’t know anymore. Look how long I thought escaping the anxiety was just a dream. I just hope to hell I really have escaped it!

SATURDAY, JULY 9, 2022 We’ve now been in Florida for one year! Florida has some interesting wildlife. Better than the ugly turkeys and the smelly skunks we had to deal with all the time in NorCal. A turtle came to visit us during yesterday’s storm. Tom got some great pics and even a video of it.

I will only be taking three more of the 75 micrograms and then it’s just 88 micrograms of levothyroxine for me! I really hope it’s enough as I was told. I forgot that this drug accumulates in the system, so that’s why my TSH was lower than I expected it to be. It might take time for any weight to come off if it ever does.

I don’t want to jinx things and get too far ahead of myself, but it excites and amazes me to think that my anxiety story could finally have an end. It really seemed so hopeless for so many years! But I didn’t know in 2014 when this shit first started that the answer was nearly 8 years and 3000 miles away. I likely would have killed myself if I’d known I was going to suffer that long. If I’d had a bottle of lorazepam at certain times, I wonder if I would have had the strength to resist downing the entire bottle when I was at my worst. I’m glad I’ll never have to find out!

THURSDAY, JULY 7, 2022 I have quite an update, but I want to go in order of events. I forgot to mention yesterday that I damn near fell flat on my face in BK. They had a long mat running along their soda machines. One edge was pulled up so my foot got caught in it, but luckily I was able to catch myself on the soda counter. It was so loud too, me smacking the metal counter. The guy behind the main counter felt bad and he came and straightened the mat out by pulling the end of it.

We went to my dentist so I could get more fluoride toothpaste. They didn’t have the MI Paste for $25, so instead, I got Previ-Dent for $10. It’s a bigger tube with more fluoride, so it might be better for me.

We stopped at KFC on the way home and their French fries were horrible. Way too salty and too soggy. I just can’t acquire a taste for salt. The chicken was still good.

As we were passing Steve’s place - at least I think it was Steve’s place - there was an older guy who might be the guy who lives across from Toni and next to Steve sitting out front by himself. I waved to him and I’m pretty sure he saw me yet he never waved back. Does he know something he shouldn’t? Like the fact that I complained about the dog? It’s been nothing but radio silence from the office, so yeah, I’d say Steve’s well-connected.

But why would the guy be sitting by himself at Steve’s place if it’s who I think it was? Maybe Steve ran inside for a second, and maybe he really didn’t see me, IDK. I’m not worried about it.

So we got home, ate our food, and then I got an e-mail alert. I logged in to the site it was for and then I let out a howl. A loud one. Tom came running to see what it was all about and found me pointing to my screen with a stunned expression on my face, eyes beginning to water with tears of joy. The TSH I thought would be 11.50 is actually 8.44. Just a few more points to go! And I have no anxiety whatsoever.

It gets better. My glucose was normal and so was my white blood cell count. My red blood cell count was very slightly elevated, but that was probably because I was dehydrated. All the other tests were normal. Once again, I suspect that some of the fatigue was connected to my waiting time before having coffee after taking my meds. I seem to be perking up again since I started waiting an hour. Some of it is still on the thyroid, though. I asked if I could still have symptoms, and yes, you can, even if you’re numbers are slightly elevated. Normal is roughly between 3-5. Also, they think that they can get my numbers normal with just the 88s!

So pretty damn exciting day to see myself getting healthier and healthier. TSH, I’m gonna walk you home! Yes, I’m gonna get you there. I’m so close now too. At the same time, I’m trying not to get my hopes up despite things looking more promising than ever. It’s just that I’ve been there before thinking this is it, I beat the anxiety. However, things really are different this time around. This time around, I’m not only postmenopausal, but I’m slowly titrating up my dose. Just like the doctor should have done 8 years ago.

The only thing that’s probably still pretty bad is my cholesterol, but I don’t know. Being hypo raises cholesterol, so in addition to me having the gene that causes high cholesterol, it might still be under 300 now with my TSH being lower.

It was a year ago yesterday that we walked out of the Citrus Heights house and I’ve never missed it. Some of the extra space and the walks around the park perhaps, but nothing else. I love it here and this place is way better, even if it’s not perfect. Been hearing thunder every day and sometimes we get rain with it. Things are definitely pretty green here now.

Chatted with Jess, but Doc A hasn’t yet seen the quick update I left her.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6, 2022 It hit me that I really ought to take my own advice. Ever since the SCOTUS overturned Roe, I’ve been hesitant to share much of my life, thoughts, beliefs, experiences, and opinions publicly, knowing that sooner or later, writing and speech are going to be targeted. Meanwhile, I’ve been insisting that the way to stand up to crazy is to defy it and not give in to it, meaning that doctors and nurses should continue caring for their patients as they’re sworn to do and not listen to what any twisted laws say. I do believe that sometimes you need to do what’s right and not what the law says. Technically, any doctor who doesn’t fully treat their patients as the SCOTUS demands is aiding and abetting evil. Crazy only keeps on getting crazier if you give in to it and you let crazy push you around.

So then why have I run from public view? Well, I’m not anymore because I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit anymore about the SCOTUS. I don’t give a shit anymore about the laws. I don’t give a shit about anything but living my life and allowing others to do the same. I’m not doing anything wrong and I’m not about to let my speech be trampled on any more than I would let anyone tell me I had to have a baby I didn’t want to have if I was in that situation.

While I’m on the topic of speaking out, I did just that in my own name about Steve’s mutt. I watched it go on and on while he was getting the golf cart ready. That seems to be when I hear it the most. The little fucker gets all excited about going riding. Well, I don’t want to hear it anymore so I spoke up. Yes, they could be friends with Steve and they could retaliate, but I’ll take my chances because that’s what life is about…taking chances. And as someone once told me, there would never be any chance for change for the better if no one ever spoke up. I just don’t know if it will do any good even if they don’t spite me for it.

Went to the lab this morning and had no trouble getting blood drawn. Women usually do a better job than men, so it’s a good thing that most phlebotomists are women.

Stopped at Burger King on the way back. I’m slowly scaling back on my guilty pleasures. We don’t eat out often to begin with, but because we’re going out tomorrow to get some more fluoride toothpaste from my dentist we’ll probably stop at KFC along the way. I’ve been craving them for a while. But my 3 guilty pleasures are coffee, candy, and wine. I’m cutting back on the candy because I am pre-diabetic and I definitely don’t want to become diabetic. So I figure getting rid of sugar will help. Once I get my thyroid numbers as ideal as I can, I will be cutting out the wine and making one last-ditch effort to lose weight. I’m going to keep the coffee though.

I decided I’m finally done publishing books on Amazon whether or not it’s my own name or a pen name. They never paid me for book sales I’ve made over the last few months! So I said fuck it and pulled everything off their shelves. I’m not going to be a free library. Sharing stories for free on my story account is one thing. Not being paid while others profit is another. I swear I am so not meant to make money! ☹

MONDAY, JULY 4, 2022 It occurred to me that I haven’t heard firecrackers. Turns out that’s only because I’ve been asleep when they’ve been going on. Tom’s heard them for a few days now, and I just heard one. It can’t be nearly as bad as it was in Cali, though! It was horrible there.

Since protesting seems to be America’s favorite pastime, some are protesting the July 4th holiday saying what independence? What independence do we supposedly have when women have been stripped of the rights to their own bodily anatomy? It’s fucked up but people have got to learn to live with it since it’s not going to change for decades and when it does, it will eventually be back to the way things are now or worse. People’s rights are gonna be bounced back and forth like a basketball for as long as humans exist. Meanwhile, there are still states where it’s legal, there are pills, and other methods. I just wish more doctors and nurses would stand up to these fuckers (SCOTUS) and take care of their patients like they’re trained to do. It really is important to stand up to and defy crazy. If you don’t, crazy just gets crazier. What’s the point of being a doctor if you can’t fully do your job? Or you don’t.

I love that the SCOTUS is getting fed up with the chaos going on outside their homes, but that’s not good enough for them. They need to be shown a better example of what can and should happen to those who play God with other people’s lives and bodies. Sadly, this won’t be happening, though. There’s a US Marshall standing every few feet apart all around their houses. But if the protesters can get themselves to their houses, why can’t drive by shooters? Where are all the martyrs when you need them? The people willing to go to jail to help right a wrong.

sighs Lots of shootings tonight. But hey, guns have more rights than women.

Heard a few barks from the dog today and a few yesterday. It seems that nowadays most of what I’m hearing is the damn thing getting all excited to go with Steve on the golf cart. I still worry about when the weather is cooler and windows are open.

There’s quite a bit of thunder going on now, so I’m glad I’m not asleep yet. But will it bring any rain? It seems we’ve had some rather dry storms lately.

Woke up after 6 hours of sleep after being up 20 hours and was exhausted, as expected. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep for over an hour. When I got up, I was amazed to find I had the energy I rarely have and I cleaned most of the house. I spent over 4 hours on it.

My Co Q10 should arrive tomorrow. I also got a pink wide-brimmed hat with a ponytail holder. It’s identical to the brown hat I got in Hawaii that has a drawstring tie around the neck for when it’s windy. That one doesn’t have a ponytail holder, though. This hat should be good for when we do nature walks in the winter.

Because the satin sheets are a little big for this mattress, we got something that secures them to the mattress better.

SUNDAY, JULY 3, 2022 Tom said he was beginning to wonder if my curse was true because everything that could go wrong yesterday with the horses went wrong. He lost 30 bucks. As I told him, I was sorry to hear that, but I’m not surprised. I always knew the horses were just a dream. We’re not meant to have a lot of money. I just don’t know why or what, if anything, is behind it. Does it just happen to not be meant to be just because or is there something up there making sure that it’s not meant to be?

This is very likely our forever home, so when we plan home improvements and upgrades, we should consider that. I don’t think it will do any good, but after the AC is paid off we should decide what room I’m going to settle in and have it soundproofed. I would prefer to do the whole house actually, excluding the lanai of course. That would be the time to do the floors too.

But yeah, I really think this is it from a logical standpoint. We would never do this and this is just a hypothetical example of course, but if we sold this place and stayed in a hotel until we ran out of money, we would never be able to get a house again anywhere. Especially with him not working. So it’s not so much a curse as that it’s simply not meant to be. My sleep issues…that’s a curse! If my fatigue really is mostly connected to the thyroid, that and the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any change in my metabolism tells me I’m still way out of range.

Slept okay for the most part, but woke up tired as usual. Because there was no thunder or power failure to use against me, I had to have a nightmare instead where we were soon to be killing ourselves. It was weird too because he didn’t seem sick or upset and neither did I. It was simply something we were going to do and had to do just like we have to go grocery shopping and stuff like that. What was even stranger was that we got rid of most of our stuff beforehand. I wasn’t going to, but I knew he would be pissed if I suddenly changed my mind since we’d already made plans and given up our stuff.

Galileo just sent some helpful tips on blood pressure, most of which I already was aware of like the Mediterranean diet and things like that. But here’s something I didn’t know. There are natural supplements that can help blood pressure, since I turned down medication, and CoQ10 is one of them. They said to let them know if I’m interested in that and to keep track of my BP once or twice a week. They’ll check in with me in a month for those results.

First I gotta see if I can wake up today. 7 hours and 14 minutes of sleep, 88 sleep score, and I’m tired.

The nuts I’m getting this morning will be the last time I get them because they are lightly salted. The nuts need to be raw. For the Mediterranean or DASH diet, it’s basically very little salt, no processed stuff, no pastries, no snacks, no chips, no candy. In other words, Tom wouldn’t even last a day on this diet because it’s mostly fish, veggies, fruits, nuts, beans, legumes, whole grains, and a little dairy, pasta and rice. The bagels I’m getting are all wrong too LOL. At least I didn’t get any processed stuff! I did get a candy bar, though.

When my wine is gone, I will give that up for a long time. Read that high blood pressure is also implicated in earlier onset and worsening progression of Alzheimer’s disease and vascular dementia and I swear I have been so brain-dead lately! I’ve been putting the wrong diamonds in the wrong places more often when diamond painting, I’ve been forgetting that I preheated the oven, and all kinds of other things.

They recommend a minimum of 2000 milligrams of salt, whole grains, vegetables, and less saturated fats and sugar (DASH or Mediterranean diet).

Exercise five days a week for 20 minutes, and two of those days with resistance.

Limit alcohol and try to lose weight.

Meditation.

Natural supplements are EPA DHA CoQ10 and garlic.

I could definitely do most of these, except I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to lose weight. As we know, not everybody gets weight loss from diet and exercise. I don’t stand a chance with my TSH where it’s at right now. But for starters, I will focus on what I’m eating and count calories later. Glad that Bowflex is finally set up and that we didn’t sell it after all!

He wasn’t kidding when he said you can hear so much noise out in the lanai compared to the house. You can hear everything and I mean everything. As soon as we stepped out into it, I heard other dogs. Steve’s dog would be very loud in there because it has a loud bark and can easily be heard throughout the house. There’s another one around here that barks regularly, but it’s not too annoying. It’s further away and not as loud.

Since my legs and part of my arms get most of the workout when I’m doing VZfit, I’m going to focus on my core, biceps, and triceps when using the Bowflex.

My HR is doing OK today. Yesterday it spiked to around 100 for a while even though I didn’t have anything greasy or sugary.

SATURDAY, JULY 2, 2022 Yesterday we decided to bomb the place after all. First, a spider jumped out and scared the shit out of me, and we have a lot of little flying bugs due to the humidity. We only had to be out for two hours, so we drove around and then ended up at BK.

Someone was definitely next door as Tom noticed someone painting their carport the other day. They also shut their bathroom window.

Anyway, I was a little jittery but it was my own fault for indulging in a wee bit too much fudge. So my heart was a little racy yesterday and I felt warm. And then the fatigue set in big time. Even though I only slept 5 hours yesterday, I started off with decent enough energy. In the middle of my day, though, it started hitting me.

Finally fed up with the extreme fatigue that’s been worse for about a year now, I decided to let Galileo in on it. They made a new case for that as well as for hypertension. They asked me to take some blood pressure readings for them and I did. It was probably high, though, because of the stress and extra sodium. I told them it’s usually lower when I wake up and that my old doctor decided against blood pressure medication because she felt it would make me dizzy since my readings are better at the beginning of my day. Plus, there’s the medication phobia. Yes, that’s gotten better, but I’m still prone to side effects, whether I like it or not and I don’t want to go on medication at this time.

They asked if I had ever partaken in a sleep study because they wondered if I could have sleep apnea. I told them no and that it would be hard for me to get meaningful results in a sleep study because of my unique sleeping situation where I have trouble falling asleep and have to sleep with the sound machine on. I guess I might be able to do one eventually at home if it doesn’t cost too much, but I doubt I have sleep apnea. Tom pointed out there’s a thing on Fitbit that measures your oxygen rate in your sleep. It’s a graph in which blue is better than orange. I only had a few orange peaks. Nothing that smacks of an unhealthy trend.

They asked about snoring, and I do snore, but lightly. I’m not like Tom where you can hear it through walls. Thunder didn’t wake me up as expected last night, but a power failure woke me up. It was the second one we had, too. The first one happened when I was awake. I hope I’m not going to get as many wake-up calls from that as I do from thunder. Anyway, I woke up the instant the power went out and I did notice that yes, I was softly snoring.

I also filled out some standard questionnaires and was asked about alcohol consumption and whether or not I’ve ever had any EKG or stress test. I told them I had both in 2016 and then they asked about anyone having serious heart issues before the age of 50 in my family. I told them about my father and the fact that one of my grandfathers died of a heart attack at just over 50.

They’re going to be sending me to the lab. They want to check my TSH and also my iron levels and look for antibodies that could indicate either infections or inflammation. It will be interesting to see what my TSH is which I’d guess is 11-point-whatever.

I don’t have a guess as to what could be causing my fatigue, but I don’t think it’s serious. I want to say it’s my TSH but then why didn’t I have such fatigue when I was first diagnosed? I was so tired that I slept for nearly 10 hours and got a good sleep score. As usual, though, I didn’t wake up feeling that refreshed.

I’m just so glad I have Galileo to exchange all this information with. I could never have done this through a portal with a regular doctor/patient setup.

So I peeled off the nail stickers from my big toes expecting quite a mess underneath, but nope. The lacquer really does kill fungus. My fingernails have me completely mystified though. I still see redness and I still have sensitivity where the fingertip meets the nail. If it was just a chemical reaction, wouldn’t it be better by now? But I don’t see how a fungus or infection of any kind could spring up that fast either. I still have plenty of lacquer on hand and tons of refills, though, if it doesn’t go away.

After Burger King (I only got hash browns) we stopped at Walgreens. I got some wine but no treats. I’ve had enough sugar. Since we still had time to kill, we sat in the driveway for a while. The humidity gives all the houses a drenched look as if it just finished raining. Once the sun comes up, it dries it up.

I came up with a cover story to have Mia contact Nane, but she never replied to the message. I’m sure she saw it, even though I can’t see that she did. I said… I believe we could be related. My father was Robert L and was married to my mother for 20 years. Somewhere during the marriage, he took up with a mistress. Although I can’t get my mother to talk about it, he supposedly started a family with this woman until he died of a heart attack in her bed. They had two daughters, Vivian and Marion. They would be in their 50s or 60s today. I live in New Mexico, but his mistress is from Europe. I was never told which country, but seeing the German writing on your profile makes me wonder if it could be you. The name and the age in your photos look right as well.

I don’t know if she suspects I’m behind the account. I added some religious memes and chose a royalty cover photo of a Hispanic-looking woman with three kids. There is a hand holding beach shells for the profile picture.

I’m now unsure as far as the termite goes. I went through everything that’s public and she has shit spanning back to 2010. Of course, one of the posts had to be the photos she took of me when we visited her that I specifically asked that she not make public, but I don’t care at this point. Most of what’s public is the usual shit she would post. Self-comforting memes, memes about being screwed over, praise for the Sarasite, her mommy and Daddy in heaven, the angels that watch over her, etc.

It could be that she’s had this stuff public all along and didn’t recently make it public, but I just never noticed when we were connected. I didn’t have another account to look in on her as I had no reason to. I also wouldn’t notice if she’s allowed anyone to comment on her posts all along. So she still might not have seen the message and might not have recently changed any settings.

I can’t get rid of the pictures she took and shared, but I really wish there was a way to get rid of all comments and likes between a person. I don’t understand why they’re showing up since I’ve blocked her. Blocking is supposed to delete all likes and comments from the person, but apparently, it doesn’t. That’s fucking Facebook for you. It’ll take time, but I could slowly go through my activity log and delete some things.

FRIDAY, JULY 1, 2022 I’m going to be sending Galileo a message letting them know I’ve been doing well as far as anxiety goes and am starting just one 75 a week, with the rest being 88. While I’m at it, I’m going to mention the fatigue. I’ll explain that I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep more often, not waking up refreshed most days, and see what they say.

It’s strange how I could sleep 8 hours two days ago and felt tired the first few hours of my day while I just got up from 5 hours of sleep and I feel more rested.

I love it when I remember enough of my dreams to write about them, even if they’re not good. Tom and I were living in a tiny house somewhere. There was just one room on one side and a bathroom and a kitchenette on the other. I slept on a twin bed along the back wall and he had a twin bed along the side wall.

A young woman in her 20s or 30s whom we had met previously came to the door while he was asleep. I let her in, even though I wasn’t sure I liked her very much. She just didn’t seem all there. She stayed briefly and then returned later. At this time, she lay down on my bed and pulled the comforter over her head. Then she started nonstop rambling about everything and nothing. I could clearly see she was bipolar, paranoid, and delusional. At one point she mentioned something about having to train me. Sick of listening to it and having no tolerance for the mentally ill any more than rude people, I said I had been up since 4 in the morning and asked her to leave, which she did.

I also had a dream about Johnson for the first time in ages. She and I were having a friendly chat and she told me she would marry me in 10 to 15 years. She knew I was still with Tom and in her mind, she may have thought he would be gone then.

Realizing she never told me her first name as she was walking away, I called out “Rachel!” to see if she would turn around. She didn’t, though.

Too bad I could never find her on Facebook. I don’t harbor any hard feelings anymore and I would love to say hello and see how her life has been even though I’m sure she wouldn’t reply whether or not she blocked me. I realize that as far as her blowing me off, that’s just how people are, not that people shouldn’t keep their word unless they have a good excuse not to.

I’ve only heard the dog once in the last few days, but I think that’s because I haven’t been around in the mid-afternoon to early evening when it seems to be heard the most. I heard a few barks yesterday, but nothing too loud or annoying. Still dread it when the weather cools down and people open their windows. I know I’m gonna hear the damn thing bark every time someone goes into the kitchen and it gets all excited in anticipation of being fed or when someone comes to the door or they go out somewhere and leave the mutt home.

My nails aren’t quite as sensitive after what I suspect was a chemical burn from the gel remover, but I do have discoloration. Not the yellow and brownish discoloration I had from the fungus, but more like a red irritated look. It extends from the middle of the nails to the tips. Hopefully, it will grow out and I’ll be as good as new again. I’m not doing anything else to my nails for a while.

Mrs. Twenties still says it’s been quieter there “for some reason” and that still bugs me, even though I know it can’t be as quiet as it is here. Not when you’re on a busy street in a big city. And like the trash collectors are suddenly using the smaller, quieter trucks they use here where a guy jumps off the back to grab the trash and they’re in and out? I wouldn’t be surprised if there were fewer planes and projects, though. I’ve been up for an hour and I’ve already heard four planes as late as it is.

She says the only dog she sometimes hears is Melody’s. Figures Gerry would shut her dog up after we leave.

It hit me as I was falling asleep that the termite could have allowed public comments sooner or later than she started making more things public. I remember having Aly check her account because I was curious if she made anything public about me and she couldn’t see much of anything. So yeah, she could have started allowing comments from anyone right after I sent the messages. Discovering this gives me a little more hope that the messages really did go through and were seen. Well, I knew they went through because I saw that much. I just had no way to tell if Facebook blocked them from being able to view the messages, or if they didn’t get them. As funny as it may sound, I really do hope her allowing public comments is because of me, LOL. There’s just something amusing about her doing this in hopes of “getting” me and me knowing she’ll never get what she wants. If I knew Tom and I were about to die, I would certainly leave a message, even though there still wouldn’t be anything she could do about it from a legal standpoint. I just wouldn’t want Tom to find out about it somehow so that’s why I’m quiet for now.

I’m still a little surprised she would risk embarrassing herself with what I may say about her, but I guess hoping to get me is worth whatever that may be. There are plenty of people out there willing to spite themselves to spite others. My guess is she’s either hoping I’ll write something she can legally use against me or she wants me to reach out so she can reply with “sensitive,” false and nasty “info.” Something like, “You’ve been in jail. You’ve been in funny farms. You’re going to be arrested,” as if that would really hurt, LOL.

As I said, I would gladly return the trolling as immature as it may be and as much as I’d be stooping to their level if it weren’t for Tom. I would just keep it legal. She really could have gotten her ass in trouble for threatening me in a recording in her own voice. She only did it because she knew I wouldn’t bother to waste time reporting her. It was still a daring but bold move on her part. A stupid one too.

Damn the fucking motorcycles blazing by the park! I know it’s Friday night but still. It’s the middle of the night. Have some fucking respect.

[1d1195]

It’s nice to be noticed and missed! That so sweet of you. Always make me feel welcomed like a long lost relative when I pop in. ❤️

I absolutely understand about the engagement between readers and the stories, I think as a reading community we could stand to show you guys the writers more love, praise and engagement because these amazing stories and worlds you guys conjure are really great. And help as entertainment as well as just something nice to look forward to once or twice a week. But for you Sam, I think you’ve got to take yourself out of the equation here. If I’m understanding you correctly it seems that you’re attaching the engagement a post or story will have with you worth and that’s just not it babes. If one of your stories “fails” (and I use that term very very lightly) it’s honestly just timing. You’ve got a Taylor Swift wide catalog of stories both new and old masterlists and your writing, character and world building has only gotten better as each new piece comes out. You do every thing right, every single time. If it’s not working out it’s just the timing. I’d be willing to put money on it. You yourself are amazing. Your blog is such a safe place for people. And yeah maybe it’s the stories that brought them here in the first place but we—at least me—stay cuz you’re awesome, kind and generous. No matter what’s going on in life, I know that I can count on at least one story either on Monday or Thursday depending and having that to look forward to is such a small and kind gift that you give to people like me.

Who you are and what you’ve got to give is absolutely good enough.

I hope all of that made sense I just wrote and wrote. As for myself I’m doing okay. Told my dad he can’t come to my wedding and he sent me a goodbye and good riddance letter. I think he thought it was going to make me feel guilty or something but I’m so immune to his games now it’s hilarious. But other than that. I’m hanging in there. Trying to take care of myself and be happy, whatever that looks like. And doing some of my own writing (little short love stories) but I’m pretty rusty so it’s not quite what I want but I’m liking rebuilding that muscle.

I hope something I said in all that is helpful. If you take anything away: you’re perfect as it, everything else is just noise. -🐱

You're so logical, I wish I could. You would think as a math person I would be MORE logical but I just get all wrapped up in being emotional I get all flustered.

Everything you said made perfect sense. I'm extremely grateful to you and how kind you are. I am definitely not too kind to myself almost ever so I get very emotional when people are kind to me. Also, I'm a pretty big push over in the real world so people just expect me to be kind and do things for them so it's really overwhelming that you just pointed out like REALLY nice things about me and are making me feel valuable even if I don't see it myself. I'm glad I created a safe place here, that's what I really want more than anything 💕

That's extremely sad about your dad but I'm so proud of you for doing that. Your wedding is about you and you deserve it to be all you want and more. I'm so happy for you 💕

ALSO ALSO YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY I wanted to ask about your engagement/wedding plans but I didn't know if that was still a plan and I think I would have jumped into traffic if I asked and you weren't getting married still.

If you feel comfortable, I would love to hear more details about your wedding! Color, theme, location (nothing specific--beach, barn, backyard, church, etc). I love to hear wedding plans! If my bf ever proposes we will NOT be having a wedding (we are poor-poor) so I love to live vicariously through others and their plans 😍 ALSO I'm so excited to hear you're writing! Writing short little love stories was how I got my start here too so I'm sure it won't be long till you're writing Harry stuff with the rest of us 😉

Thank you for your sweet message. I adore you 💕

xoxo

[alex-guerin]

So. Two weeks ago on a Thursday, my car overheated on my way into work. Annoying, inconvenient, but an easy fix my brother and I were able to take care of on that Saturday. Drove into work on Sunday, no issues. Drove into work Monday, no issues. Driving home from work Monday night, issues. Big issues.

Took my car into the little shop in town, guys were able to determine the valve gasket was leaking oil into the sparkplugs, fried my spark plugs and coil pack, AND a PVC vacuum tube had cracked and that was what was causing my car to shudder. They fixed it up for me, $500 later, I picked it up on Saturday.

Drove it to work yesterday, no issues. Drove it home yesterday, no issues. Started for work today, issues. Big BIG issues. The kind of issues that resulted in me using sick time at work cuz I was sitting on the side of the road for an hour, on the phone with fucking roadside assistance for that whole hour, while some guy who claimed his name was Daniel (...yeeeeah, there's no way it was Daniel) attempted to find me a tow truck that would come out to get me and take me back to my mechanic. Who thankfully was able to get my car into the shop right away, but fears it might be something transmission related...and the fact I haven't heard back from him today makes me worried...

My damn car still has 2.5 years before it's paid off. My dad used me as a co-signer so HE could get a new car that he can't afford and keeps missing payments on so now MY credit score is tanked and fucked, so getting a new vehicle is essentially out of the question.

If it turns out it's my transmission, I honestly don't know what I'll do. I know it's gonna cost well over $1,000 to get those things fixed/replaced and I have a whopping $1200 to my name right now. I literally can't afford to replace my transmission.

Maybe, depending on how much it'll cost, the shop will let me do some kind of payment plan thing? Like, pay them half up front and then X-amount each month (hell, week if I could swing it!).

I just...I don't know what to do. I am out of money and out of ideas. At least I do still have ways to get to work...most of the time... =/

[wanderinglotus7]

Postcards from VA

There's nothing like being able to go home and get a nice recharge from my typical day to day of my new life. It's kind of weird saying "my new life". I'm still figuring out if Boston feels like home; or even if I can call Boston home. Every place that you live at has its pros & cons, you just hope that wherever you reside that there's more pros than there are cons. Some things I do appreciate about living in Boston (Newton) is that most places are walkable, public transportation is easy to access, I can always find something to do, my church community at NewCity, the history, and the diversity. Some of the cons are the lack of parking, the high cost of living, the busyness of the city, difficulties of establishing new friendships along with dating, and the overt/covert racism (and other isms). There's no such thing as a perfect place unless it's in my dreams.

Thinking logistically, If I cannot longer financially support myself in MA, I began looking into other living situations. Like relocating to Rhode Island or North Carolina. North Carolina would be my first choice because it reminds me of Virginia without returning to Virginia. If I want to visit home or attend family functions, I won't be that far away from everyone. Maybe no more than a 4-to-5-hour drive at the most compared to a 9-hour drive. Like Massachusetts there are plenty of job opportunities it just depends on what I am interested in pursuing. The job opportunities in Rhode Island seem a little small however, I can still work in the same line of work I'm currently doing. Yet, the work would be more related to domestic violence and sexual violence. Not much related to trafficking. If I were to relocate to any state in the US, I can always get a job as a school social worker. I'm not permanently attached to any one job or place. I think this is becoming my catch phrase, but I'm riding the wave. I'm remaining in my stillness.

We received word on Thursday that Adelante was rewarded the OVC grant. This means that the trafficking program has funding for the next three years. This also means I have a job for three years. If I want to continue my work in the anti-trafficking field but want to change the population I'm working with, I would work with youth in a counseling or mentorship framework; no case management if I can avoid it. Or I could go another route and teach a psychology or social work course or two at a university or provide mental health services to young adults (college students). Time will tell. I know for sure that I don't want to work more jobs than necessary. My work ethic isn't based on money. My work ethic is based on my passion and interest in the work that I am doing. Either way, let's see in 2 or 3 years where I am at in my life. I may be single now, but I might find myself in a relationship next year or my financial situation may change.

Roots. Home. Gloucester will always be home. So much has changed, but so much has remain the same. I was happy to see that my dogwood tree came back to life because the last time I laid eyes on it it was on the brink of death. Spending time with Snoopy, family, and friends was comforting, but also disheartening. Some people just don't change (smh). The answer to that is it to love those from a distance if they are worth my energy in maintaining those relationships especially when it comes to family. And sometimes it's best to let those relationships dissolve for my own growth and emotional well-being. I still get emotional when I think and speak about my Grandma Shirley and my granddaddy. It hurts seeing their homes empty. It's like all the life around there has been sucked away. I did take the opportunity to visit their grave sites, but it didn't make things easier. I do know that I can still feel their presence, but they make themselves known in different ways. I wonder when the pain will settle. I wonder when the pain will become less to bare.

[trashlie]

Ooooohhh whenever I get a notification from you, I get SO excited because I know I’m in for a READING FEAST and once again you do not disappoint! Under a cut to spare your friends lmao (I think mine have just accepted that I won’t shut up; I like to hope SOMEONE follows along in the “I don’t go here but I can’t help taking a look” way lmao) 

GOOD POINTS I have not thought about! I always get caught up thinking about Kousuke resenting Rand because I worry that this night will cause a regression that I never have considered what happens if (when I hope) Kousuke realizes not only was he a pawn, but he was a pawn against the man he strived to be. 

I do worry it can go a couple ways. The obvious is that he will come away from it like Nol, jaded and disillusioned, which would obviously be in Yui’s favor. She’s driven that wedge between them this entire life, both so that he would continue to work towards their (her) goal AND so that he would stay on her side. That’s the whole thing about making him dependent on her in all ways. Someone else I was talking to also made a good point I think a lot of other readers don’t consider, that Yui could very easily and effectively cut Kousuke off from everything. Even if he came to see through her, in a way she still has him tethered to her because it would be so easy to strip him of his fortune, his security, his roles, even his image. I can’t fault someone who is self-serving in that manner - I, too, would fear losing everything. 

BUT that said! I think that’s where the planting of the seed becomes important. It’s not enough, I think, to know that Yui intends to get rid of Rand, especially in case Kousuke comes away with that disillusionment. HOWEVER I think the most important thing is that he learns that Yui has been sabotaging their relationship. Knowing that, perhaps, Rand has made more effort than he ever thought, that Rand WAS looking out for him in the best way he could considering who he was dealing with, and that Yui played interference would at least get him to question her motives AND maybe come to a realization that Rand’s words alone can’t - that he was good enough just as he was.  

I think Nol is impossible for him to reach - and clearly Rand seems to think the same - so yes, I really hope something good can come of him meeting Kousuke. I worry how it will go, since we know Yui has arrived - would she leave the scene at any point? I feel like she must be expecting Rand to arrive at some point? I can’t see her leaving Rand the opportunity to show up and have an honest moment, but we’ll have to see what Thursday has in store for us. I AM at least rooting for Rand. You are right that he needs to get through to someone, and as Rand noted, I think Kousuke right now needs it the most. 

Also GOD right, I think that’s one of the WORST parts of that whole pool fiasco! That she was willing to take the risk of Kousuke getting injured, just to further traumatize Nol. She couldn’t help herself, it felt like. It simultaneously makes my skin crawl and makes me seethe with anger. You said earlier that she makes such a FANTASTIC antagonist and it’s exactly that stuff! It’s the way she put Shinae’s life in danger as well as theirs, and then puts on that act of pretending to care, just to reallyyyyyyyy rub that salt into Nol’s wound. It’s the way she took advantage of this girl and trapped her into a contract under false premises knowingly taking advantage of her desperation and has no remorse. It’s that she was willing to risk injury to Kousuke if she could say that it was, yet again, Nol’s fault. 

Like, I hate the “that’s her husband’s illegitimate child you can’t expect her to love him” arguments whenever I see them, but especially so because it doesn’t matter! She is a grown woman using people - including her own son - as pawns, she has antagonized and traumatized someone’s child for her own satisfaction. 

Off topic but it makes me wonder who, exactly, Nol was hiding himself from. At every turn, he’s downplayed himself, tried not to stand out. Let’s his father think he doesn’t share Kousuke’s intelligence, his own friends think he’s bad at math even though he can do the work without showing his work! On the one hand, it would have gotten Rand off his neck (maybe) had he been able to show that he is not as dumb or unintelligent as they think. But what Rand knows, Yui would know.

Does Nol know that she sees him as a threat, or is it just that he knows she hates him and has made his life hell. Is it more that Kousuke treated him as a threat, so he tries to downplay himself to look as innocent as possible, to prove that he doesn’t have any ulterior motives? And that’s also.... DOES he? It’s hard to tell with him - on the one hand he feels like he should stop fighting, that nothing good ever comes, just go with it. When we see him at the Christmas party, it feels like it’s the first time he’s started to really fight back and stand his ground, given how Yui responds. Was his dream to go to Oxford just to impress Rand AND get away? Because I think a lot about that scene when Nol asked Kousuke what he’d do if somebody else got the role he wanted. Was that just him goading Kousuke for his lack of other plans, for his certainty that no one can contest him? The whole point of that scene was “nobody is after you” and who is Nol but nobody, the underestimated underdog of the champion. 

Has he hidden all of this about himself so that he could spring an attack? Just to defend and protect himself? 

Up until then, Nol seemed like he was still trying to... I wouldn’t say make peace but at least get along? Bide his time until he could get the hell out of there and never look back. Maybe it was just that he hid himself so that escape would be easier (if Yui had no idea what he was planning, then it wouldn’t be as easy for her to jeopardize him). But also, the idea of whether or not he was planning his own ambush begs the question: why did he even reveal to Kousuke that he was going to interview with Oxford? A foolish hope at a connection? Did he really not expect Kousuke to go to Yui?

Idk, this is all tangential LMAO 

At any rate, yes, I agree that it’s really important that Rand at least gets that seed planted, so that even if it doesn’t have any bearing on Kousuke at the current, it will start awakening something in him, make him start questioning things. I think that’s what we’re going to start seeing? (Or maybe I am, as ever, hopeful.) There’s just something about getting to see Yui’s tactics play out after the admission Kousuke made that makes me think the seeds are being sown. Even if Yui’s “calming tea” blurs his memories of what happened, I hope that enough of those fragments will come through to him that it can trigger again in the future. And if Rand gets his seed of doubt planted, as well, enough that Kousuke will start to see things in a new light, even if that’s not what he wants?

IDK idk let’s free Kousuke! 

Replying to @trashlie and @hotdamncomics for their reblogs on this post under a cut so I can spare my friends the walls of text of a comic they're not reading lol.

Trashlie, friend, reblogger of theories and fellow Thursday night feels partner absorbing all the details... you bring up such great points.

But on the other, Yui has spent Kousuke’s entire life gaslighting and manipulating him; it’s only natural that it would be difficult for him to reconcile these two versions of her, and sometimes he’s unable to in the end. 

Every time Yui makes a move she says she does it with either his or their family's best interest in mind. Over and over. Kousuke has seen himself benefit time and time again from her unorthodox methods. And we know that he's not against life being unfair in his favor.

He has never had reasons to doubt that was her only motive, but he isn't a child anymore. He has seen and experienced things she has done that are worse than merely giving him an unfair advantage.

I'm actually curious about how Kousuke would respond if he realized his mother is trying to ruin and remove Rand from the picture.

This is why I so desperately want Rand to connect to Kousuke that evening. Even if Kousuke doesn't immediately believe him and thinks any mushy words mean Rand is disappointed in him (as he thought earlier that night when Hansuke took the call sneakily) the seed will have been planted.

Kousuke might see that he is been a pawn in a power struggle he's never signed up for. He didn't want to reach the top to ruin his father, but to meet him. He didn't want to reach the top to be to busy to spend time with his father, but rather if his father's burden were less, then maybe they would have time to spend together.

Yui's played a game that can backfire on her.

Because if Kousuke doesn't end up resenting Rand for his neglect, for having another family, then she can actually lose her pawn to him.

Especially if Kousuke uncovers that his mother sabotaged whatever closeness they could have had.

I really need Rand to be able to reach to at least one of his sons before the time skip. Even if it's just to plant a seed.

If Yui wanted to ensure that Nol never stood a chance against Kousuke, then damaging not only the way others see him but also the way he sees himself was a sure fire way to do it, wasn’t it?

Indeed, psychological manipulation in the hands of professionals with the intent to harm instead of helping is very dangerous.

And it makes me think back on the formal.

We know that Yui could not have predicted Nol's involvement or how things played out with him entirely, but she took the chance when it presented itself.

She knows damn well that Nol doesn't like her touching him, so she crept up on him deliberately to cause the rest of the events to unfold. She's so threatened by his existence that she'd risk her precious heir in order to cause another situation—a very public one—for Nol being unstable and malicious toward Kousuke, the heir.

After all, her son could have sustained far more serious injuries, but she didn't care. Yui was willing to risk it if it meant ensuring Nol had another mark against him.

She could always blame any lingering health issues after that accident on Nol purposefully hurting Kousuke.

Of course, the one who got hurt was Shin Ae, which she could still use against him to at least trigger him to go back to whatever state kept him down and defeated before.

Either way, she took a huge risk, which means she is actually very concerned about Nol's existence.

He is the one who truly gets under her skin, as we've seen.

[That lip quiver at the Christmas party was so satisfying...]

/ / / / /

Okay, so hotdamncomics, yes! I remember you from the kdrama life. Glad to see you have similar taste in comics. You bring up interesting points! I think the formal arc really helped us see the personalities, as well as "core" values (at that time) of the major characters.

Kousuke who didn't help Shin-ae when he tripped her at the formal is his real self, someone concerned foremost by how people see and perceive him than someone else's comfort or safety. He's not a nice and proper gentleman at core. That's a mask, one he put on when he invited Shin-ae to dance to prove a point that he was a gentleman. Even here he's failed to act in her interest regardless if he was genuine. He took priority. Let me fix my previous blunder by offering that poor girl a dance and not so much about proving he wasn't embarrassed of her.

He knew someone like her wouldn't know how to dance but he put her on the spotlight because repairing his image was more important than proving he wasn't ashamed of her. He could have chosen to play the piano with her by his side. It would still draw attention, still show her he's not ashamed of admitting he knows her, but would have placed her comfort ahead of his image.

This is actually a fantastic observation and you proposed a great alternative to inviting her to dance that would have conveyed the sentiment that he knows her and doesn't mind being seen with her without further embarrassing her by offering to partake in an activity he should have assumed she wasn't accustomed or knew how to do.

But, we see this again when Shin Ae's falls. Yes, he is the one closest to grab her when she falls over the railing, but once they hit the pool, he's first concerned with getting himself out and then remembers she's fallen too which is entirely different from Nol's eventual choice.

Nol comes up to air with Shin Ae.

And after the Christmas party arc we were aware that he was dealing with suicidal thoughts in that moment—he wanted to remain there, essentially drown, but seeing her pushed him to go back to his hell.

He didn't deserve the "peace of death."

It's not that I think there is something wrong with people who will prioritize themselves, but it does serve as a contrast between just how different Nol and Kousuke operate.

There have been so many hints that prove Kousuke isn't in fact that kind gentleman—that is part of the persona, of the expectation of a well-rounded heir and the type of man his father would admire.

Kousuke often slips out of that mask, particularly when stressed, to show who he is. A man who says more than he should under the veil of honesty, often hurting or insulting those around him.

"I don't mean to offend," is always said by those who will offend.

Yujing's actions feel too personal and led by revenge to be something shallow. Someone important must have urged her to try for a story that can ruin her career if she doesn't execute it perfectly and with no room for a counter defamation lawsuit.

I think this is actually quite right. We don't know what kind of "terrible situation" Rand helped her out of—but he had a hand in getting her to where she is. Someone who has tasted defeat or loss is protective of security and more prone to self-preservation.

She does have a strong ethic and she mentions she wants to restore faith in journalism by exposing the truth no matter how ugly. It'll be interesting to see what prompted her to take this risk to bring a very powerful woman like Yui down. Perhaps Yujing isn't meant to hit the knock out, but weaken her enough where the others on the board (if we go back to the chess theory) can act.

[beyondspaceandstars]

“We Go Way Back”

Relationship: Yelena Belova x Reader Warnings: angst, attitude, possible vague Black Widow spoilers Summary: Your and Yelena's date night takes an unexpected turn when a surprise guest shows up at your shared apartment. A/N: So. I saw Black Widow on thursday....i loved SO much.......maybe even found a new comfort character..........and now here we are :) please enjoy

Masterlist

You were just finishing up dinner when two arms snaked around your waist. You giggled, staring down at the sautéed vegetables, as you leaned into your girlfriend’s touch.

"Smells good," she mumbled against your neck. Light kisses were beginning to litter your skin.

You sighed. "Thank you, love," you said, giving everything a final stir before turning off the burners. You went to start carrying items to the table, thinking your girlfriend would let up on her hold on you, but that ended up not being the case.

With a joyous laugh, you playfully scolded her, "Yelena, please," you smiled. "Do you want to eat or not?"

She hummed. Her hands drifted now to your sides and began creeping their way to your hips and thighs. "Depends on what you had in mind."

You let out a faux surprised gasp. "You’re shameless." You shook your head and peeled her hands away from you. She let out a little defeated sigh but you just shot her a playful look and continued with your initial mission of setting the dining table.

Thankfully, this time, Yelena lent a helping hand as opposed to lending her hands…elsewhere. The latter was a common occurrence, especially before date night dinners, such as ones like these. There had been one too many meals you were forced to reheat everything after you let Yelena get carried away.

After the food was placed — a nice spread of local meats, fresh produce, and bakery bread — you began working on getting plates and cutlery. Yelena had taken it upon herself to start breaking out the wine. She brought out two bottles you had just bought that morning based on the recommendation from the butcher. You maybe took cooking and dinners a bit too seriously, hoping everything was right especially when it was for your love.

You set out the cutlery just as Yelena finished pouring two (hefty) glasses of wine. You shot her a smile in thanks and began filling each of your plates. You did have to pat yourself on the back a bit, everything smelled wonderful.

Once you two had full plates and eager stomachs, you sat down and dug in. Yelena immediately let out an exaggerated moan as she practically devoured the meat. You blushed at her enthusiasm.

"This is wonderful, dear," Yelena praised and took a sip of her wine. "Very reminiscent of my momma’s cooking."

Your ears perked up at your girlfriend’s mention of her family. She did that every now and then, slip in random comments about them. You liked trying to explore it but knew the topic was a delicate one. You trod carefully.

"Yeah?" You asked, moving some vegetables around on your plate. "Did she cook a lot?"

Yelena shrugged. "We’d have dinners together, all of us, pretty much every night."

All of us. You had heard so far of a mother and a father but could there be more? Or were you reading too much into it?

Eventually, you settled on, "Family dinners sound very nice." That was enough, you thought. Just safe but still engaged. You eyed Yelena as she continued to eat. She hadn’t noticed you stalled or, well, she probably did, but wasn’t saying anything. You took large gulps of your wine, impulsively.

Just as your liquid courage was getting to you to maybe inquire further about your lover’s family, a hard knock at the front door disrupted the entire dinner. Both of your movements stopped abruptly. You looked between the door and your girlfriend.

"Were you expecting someone?" You asked.

Yelena shook her head. Her fork dropped with a loud clang as she pushed away from the table. In quick, determined strides she collected the gun kept in the side table in the living room. You watched her, quite stunned by her response. You don’t think you ever actually saw any of her guns come into action. When you first moved in, she just explained they were a precaution. You never asked what kind of precaution. You feared you were getting your answer now as Yelena walked to the entryway.

Gun drawn, pointed dead on with the wooden door, she called out, "Who is it?"

"You can put the gun down." Surprisingly, that was a female voice answering your girlfriend’s demand. Your brows furrowed in curiosity. You watched for Yelena’s reaction but she was still so stoic and intense.

Yelena scoffed. "Are you sure?"

Probably a bit foolishly, you decided to chime in. "Love," you said, "is everything okay?"

The female on the other side of the door spoke again, this time with an element of shock in her voice. "Love?"

Yelena let out a dramatic sigh as she relaxed her stance and surrendered her gun, placing it on the little table in the foyer. What seemed to be a bit reluctantly, Yelena opened the door forcefully.

Despite the mystery woman finally being revealed, it answered approximately zero of your questions. There, in the doorway, stood a redhead whose unamusing expression mixed with a slight smugness matched your girlfriend’s. The two just stared at one another, neither dared to move, as if they were challenging one another to try it.

Curiosity finally getting the best of you, you stood from the dining table and slowly made your way to the front door. Your fingers fumbled in nervousness as you stepped with caution.

"Hi, there," you said with a weak smile and gentle wave. The redhead’s eyes flicked over to you only briefly. Still, you continued, "Are you alright? Do you need something?"

"Oh, do I."

Yelena shook her head. "The only thing she needs is to leave."

You turned to your girlfriend, "Who is she?"

"Natasha," the redhead explained. "Me and your love here," she nodded towards Yelena, "we go way back."

You didn’t know how she had the air in her but Yelena let out another ridiculous sigh and stomped away. Like some defeated child, she took her seat once more at the dining table. You had never seen her like this before, so unattached and dismissive. You wracked your brain on how to mend this.

You turned back to Natasha. "Please, come in." Natasha took the offer quite well and gave you a nod of thanks before entering the apartment. You followed her into the dining room.

"We were just starting dinner," you explained as you raced for the kitchen, grabbing Natasha her own set. "Sit, have some food."

Natasha mumbled a "thanks" as you began filling her plate now with food. You even offered up some wine despite Yelena’s weird look she shot you when you reached for it. You ignored her odd behavior and took your seat once more. Somehow, the tension from the situation just got worse. Neither woman was eating now.

You cleared your throat as you prepared to dig into your meal once more. "I hope it’s still warm. If not, I can pop everything in the oven to warm."

No one said anything.

"Alright then…" You shrugged. "If I may, how exactly do you two know each other?"

That was the question that opened the flood gates. Yelena turned to you abruptly. "She’s my sister."

"Sort of," the redhead quickly retorted.

Your jaw went slack. Your appetite completely abandoned you now as your interest was greatly piqued. "Your sister?" You asked and looked between the two women. Well, they didn’t really look alike…

"Not biologically," Yelena explained. "We just kind of…lived together for a while."

"I see," you nodded. You scraped your fork against your plate, awkwardly. "If I may again, what brings you here, Natasha?"

The question certainly made Yelena perk up as she stared down her sister — or, whatever they considered each other. You resisted the urge to grab her hand under the table, unsure of what level of affection she was comfortable showing in front of this woman.

"Some business to attend to." Short and sweet. You felt these two were definitely related on some level.

"This couldn’t have waited until the morning?" Yelena gritted.

Natasha shrugged. "I guess it could’ve but then, apparently, I would’ve missed out on this lovely dinner with you and your… your, what? Girlfriend?" She took a bite of food. "Hmm, tastes close to someone else’s cooking." A shrug. "Anyways, I didn’t know you dated."

"You don’t know a lot of things."

"Okay!" You explained, trying to salvage whatever was left of this civilized conversation. Natasha and Yelena shared a look before turning to your flustered state. "We’re very happy you dropped in, right, love?" You glanced at Yelena. "And you’re more than welcome to stay, Natasha. I’m afraid all we have to offer is the couch if that would be okay."

Natasha glanced behind you at the living room before nodding. "That would be great," she smiled.

***

It wasn’t until you were standing at the kitchen sink cleaning the dishes from dinner that Yelena approached you to talk. Natasha was off getting ready for bed and your girlfriend hopped on this opportunity.

"I’m so sorry," she said as she stood beside you, taking on the role of the dryer in your little dishwasher assembly line. "I-I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sorry she dropped by, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about her—,"

"Love," you shook your head, giving her a sympathetic look, "it’s okay. I’m not really mad you didn’t tell me or that she’s here. From what I gather, it’s a complicated relationship."

Yelena let out an annoyed huff. "You have no idea." A beat. "But, still. I shouldn’t hide these things from you. She was a big part of my life and now you… you’re a big part of my life. It’s only fair."

Your heart warmed at her admission. She could be quite the affectionate one when she wanted to be. Quickly, you leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She tried hiding her blush but failed beautifully.

"For what it’s worth, she seems very interesting," you shrugged. "I think she could be fun to get to know. Probably has a few embarrassing stories about you as a child."

Yelena gasped. "Don’t even think about it."

"Too late," you giggled, mentally marking that down as a subject for conversation. A brief silence passed over you two as you finished up with the dishes. Reaching the end of the chore, you said, "So, should I be on the lookout for any other siblings?"

Your girlfriend chuckled. "No," she admitted. "Natasha is it."

You let out a content hum in understanding. "One day we should have them all over."

"Them?"

"Yeah," you nodded, "your whole family. A nice, big family dinner. That could be exciting, right?"

Yelena rolled her eyes. Whether it was playful or not, you couldn’t quite tell. "That’s certainly one way to describe it."

[thebroccolination]

missing your live reaction thread of Between Us on twt...

Thank you, Anon, sincerely. That really means a lot to me.

So, I erased Twitter off my phone a few days ago. I haven’t opened it on my computer since Thursday, I think? I don’t know when I’ll open it again. I think I need time away from it.

Nothing in particular happened. I’ve just been really unmotivated and discouraged by fic engagement in the last six months or so, and I never used to value that kind of thing, so I wondered if the amount of time I was spending on Twitter could be related. Sure enough, since I stopped opening the app, the urge to “compete” and the obsession with numbers and kudos and comments has been diminishing rapidly. I think I was spending too much time on Twitter and depending on it for serotonin boosts instead of dealing with general life stress in a more constructive way.

I felt really guilty about not continuing my live reaction thread. I’m doing it for myself as well as to connect with the fandom, to have a memory of this first experience, but having just sat on the sofa and watched it on TV without pausing to take screenshots on my computer was really, really nice. I’ve needed to take a step back, and I think Twitter’s fast-paced system has been consuming too much of how I measure my self-worth.

Writing WinTeam fic has been the greatest joy of the past nearly three years, and over the past month, I’ve started and discarded about ten fics because “what if they don’t get the same or higher amount of kudos as the last”. I can’t think like that or the joy of it will die, and I don’t want to think of this as a competition. Twitter’s algorithm-based system just…makes me feel competitive, and that bled over into AO3, too.

I wasn’t sure if I should say anything, and I don’t like making “I’m leaving/taking a break/hiatus” posts. I wasn’t planning on doing it. I just woke up and thought, “Maybe I should see if I feel differently if I don’t open it all day,” and then it continued until today, and I don’t really want to open it at the moment.

I’m honestly a lot happier here for the time being. I like the longer posts, I like talking about WinTeam, and I like not feeling the need to chase likes and retweets. I just want to vibe and have organic ideas come to me for WinTeam fics and to write them and share them without worrying about how many people will leave kudos or comments. I don’t know if Twitter was the culprit for all of that, but I do feel a lot calmer and more like myself right now than I have in a long time.

When I rewatch episode five next, I’ll make a li’l document of my reactions and upload them whenever I open Twitter next.

Once I feel less anxious and, like, scattered? then I’ll probably open it again.

Thank you again, Anon. This was definitely more than you were expecting, I’m sure. It makes me smile that someone missed the thread. :’)

[boldlyvoid]

Amethyst you so much

Summary: Spencer has had a crush on Y/N since she started working at the bau. She only ever works the night shift after a case, handling all the aftermath gracefully. one night, Spencer stays back and they strike up a conversation about rocks, causing their feelings to dig a little deeper.

Warnings: pure fluff, weed mention, hurt/comfort, grief and mourning

Word Count: 6.4K

Read on Ao3

Late nights at the office had become his thing since Gideon left.

He couldn’t bring himself to go home some nights without a game of chess, a cup of coffee, and the ambiance of the post case staff working. He would’ve had no idea about what goes on after they close a case if he didn’t stay behind most nights.

The phone rings almost every 10 minutes, and it’s always answered by the sweetest voice. The fax machine never turns off, and the most beautiful girl in the world is always running around placing papers in different places.

He’s been smitten with her since she started here, 2 years ago. Never seeing much of her since she was switched to the night shift, always wanting to just watch her from afar, never speaking to her unless he needed to.

“Yes, again we are so sorry for the door,” he can hear her voice from the back corner of the room. “Agent Morgan will be paying for that out of his paycheck, don’t worry, Mr. Kennings. We’ll be sure to remember your hotel when we’re in the area again. The FBI has a very generous budget for overnight cases. Of course, you have a good night too.”

She hung the phone up harshly and let out a deep sigh. He turned around to see her face in her arms, resting against the desk. She looked done, completely fed up. He would be too.

She looked up then, noticing that he was making eye contact with her. She awkwardly smiled and waved at him, “sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Spencer replied. “We asked for the key, I should have stopped him from kicking it in.”

She laughed then, walking over to his desk so she didn’t have to yell across the room. She sat on the corner of his desk lightly, “why do you stay every night?”

“Oh, um,” he wasn’t prepared for this. She had never talked to him before. She was barely able to even look at him when she used to place papers on his desk 2 years ago, now she was on his desk.

“I don’t like to bring the work home with me, it’s better to destress here before I go to my apartment,” he answered, half honestly.

She nodded slightly, “I get it. Luckily I go home in the mornings so the sun helps me feel better.”

“Going home in the dark isn’t fun,” she lightly smiled up at her.

“Do you want a coffee or anything?” She asked softly, “seeing as I am still your assistant as long as you’re here?”

He laughed lightly, “I would, but I’d like to join you in the staff room for it?”

“Okay,” she stood, straightening out her shirt as he stood as well.

He held the doors open for her, letting her walk out first, still smiling as she waited in the hall for him. Never being anything less than 1 foot from him for some reason, and he didn’t mind in the slightest.

“Do you like your job?” He asked lightly.

“Oh yeah,” she laughed. “It’s like customer service on crack. Have you ever had to explain to someone why you can’t pay for the cracked foundation after Agent Morgan’s ransacked a place?”

“I honestly never thought of who has to deal with the aftermath,” he awkwardly admitted to her. “I’m so sorry.”

She couldn’t stop laughing as they entered the kitchen, “it’s fine. I never have to apologize on your behalf, it’s everyone else who seems to be reckless. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I came along to babysit.”

“That would be helpful,” he smiled softly as she entered the staff room.

He watched as she took a new coffee filter out of the cupboard. Emptying the coffee pot with ease, rinsing everything before adding the water and scooping in the grounds. He was mesmerized by how fast she was able to do it, then again it was sort of her job.

“What mug would you like?” She turned to him with a smile that made his heart skip a beat.

“Um, the purple one, if it’s there?”

“You really like purple, huh?” She teased him, standing on her tippy-toes to reach the mug for him.

She placed it on the counter before grabbing a white mug, it had a bumblebee on it, “bee happy” written along the top. It was perfect for her.

“Purple is a stress-reducing colour,” she explained. “When I was a kid my parents painted my room purple so that I’d sleep better.”

“I’ve always been drawn to it.”

She leaned against the counter while the coffee pot started to percolate, “Probably because of your anxiety, coffee doesn’t help that.”

“It’s in my DNA to be like this,” he tried to joke, knowing he succeeded when her smile crept back onto her face.

He was on a mission to keep seeing it.

“For someone who spends a lot of time with dead bodies, creepy places and bad people, you sure are a mousy little thing aren’t you?” She teased him.

“I also love Halloween, go figure.” He’s not sure where the confidence came from, being able to make light-hearted jokes like this was only easy with the team.

Which she technically was a part of. He’s seen her almost every single day for 3 years, slowly being able to get comfortable enough for this very moment.

“What else are you into, outside of here?” She asked honestly, making his heart swell as no one else had ever asked him before.

“Lots of things,” he sighed. “I love to read, I’ll read anything. But mostly I enjoy far-off worlds. Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Sherlock mostly.”

“No supernatural?” She gasped. “Sacrilege, honestly. What kind of nerd are you if you don't support supperwholock?”

“That's the show with the monster hunting brothers right?” He tried to recall it to his mind.

She nodded with a pressed-lipped smile, “it’s bad but in a way where I can’t stop watching every Thursday, they just introduced an angel who is pretty gay. Star Trek is cool too, I guess, I was raised by Trekkies.”

“My mom was into Doctor Who.”

“Mamma’s boy,” she teased him slightly, returning her focus to the coffee as she poured the now finished brew into their mugs. “She was nice when she came in that one time, I made her a very sweet coffee just like yours.”

He reached for the sugar then, poring a generous amount into his mug with a grin, “how much do you like?”

“the same amount,” she couldn’t help but laugh. “I hate the taste of coffee, but it keeps me awake.”

He poured the sugar into her mug as she places a spoon in each. Allowing him to stir his own before picking it up finally. Holding the warm ceramic in his hands, it was almost as warm as the feeling in his chest when he looked at her.

He’s felt it for a long time. He’s been caught staring at her by Derek, JJ even tried to get him to give her his number. Which she already had for when she calls him into work in the middle of the night. They knew he had a crush, he did too. He just didn’t know what to do about it.

“Come to my desk, I want to show you something?” She asked softly, avoiding eye contact as she walked towards the door.

He followed, like a lost puppy, all the way back to her desk. It was always neat, he always looked at it when he made his way up the stairs to the briefing room. He could even see it from where he sat at the table sometimes. Always wanting to see her leave in the mornings.

She had a collection of rocks that always changed, he loved the blue one the most but it wasn’t there currently. She had all new ones since the last time he looked.

“Here,” she hands him one. It’s brown and gold, the colours moving and shifting as he turns it with his fingers. The gold running through it like a beautiful wave.

“what’s this for?”

“It’s a Tiger’s eye, for good luck and happiness,” she smiled. “Keep it at your desk and maybe it’ll be easier for you to relax when you come back?”

The butterflies in his chest were swirling then as she looked up at him with pleading eyes. Wanting him to take it, wanting him to feel better. Caring for him.

“Thank you,” he barely whispers, clearing his throat softly. “It’s very nice of you.”

“You’re always nice to me, so,” she shrugged.

They sat down then, he dragged his chair from his desk over to hers. Sitting in close as she explained all the meanings to her rocks. He listened carefully, getting to examine each one as she spoke.

“This one is Jade, it’s for balancing emotions and allowing compassion so I don’t scream at everyone on the phone,” she laughed as she placed one in his hands. Her fingers brushing his palm softly.

It was a beautiful green stone with a thin white line running through it, separating into 3 directions as he flipped it over, “it’s beautiful.”

“I know some people don’t believe in this stuff,” she started to get embarrassed as she placed them all back on the shelf. “But I’ve always thought; if the moon, which is just a rock, can control the water, and humans are 70% water, then who’s to tell me the moon cycles don’t control my emotions and these smaller rocks can’t help problem areas?”

“You’re not wrong,” he shook his head softly as he thought her words over. “People depended on the stars and planets for guidance originally, as well as rocks and herbs for healing, just because it’s outdated doesn’t mean it doesn’t work?”

“Thank you,” she smiled. “No one has ever agreed with me that easily.”

“Anytime you want to talk, I’ll just be over there,” he pointed at his desk. “And I’m a phone call away?” He swallowed sharply at his boldness, trying to stay calm as he awaited her answer.

“I do have your number,” she smiled, reaching out to place her hand on his. “But you should go home, I’m sure you’re chilled out now.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, staring at her hand as they touched. He lightly wrapped his hand around hers, holding it slightly, running his thumb over her knuckles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“And every day after,” she whispered, tilting her head as she smiled at him.

This was going to be interesting.

—

Penelope was always dragging him out. She would take him shopping, to dinner, to the movies. She was like his big sister, dedicated to making sure he wasn’t always cooped up or trying to retreat into a fantasy life.

She kept him busy.

She had 4 bags in her hands as they walked down the street, peering into the store windows to see what else she could possibly be interested in taking home for someone. That’s when they passed the natural health store.

He stopped in his tracks, seeing all the different rocks on the wall accompanies by little cards that described how they could help. He opened the door and rushed inside before Penelope even noticed he stopped following her.

“Good afternoon!” The shop owner called out to him. “How can I assist you today?”

“Um, the girl I like has a rock collection,” he says softly, knowing Penelope is behind him listening. “Crystals more specifically, I’d like to get her some?”

“Well, you came to the right place,” the man beams, escorting him to the wall of rocks. “What is she like?”

“Wonderful,” the words are carried out of his mouth on a sigh as he thinks about her. “She’s confident and nice, and caring. She’s always positive and just so lovely.”

“I’ve got you,” the man starts picking rocks off the wall and placing them in his hands.

Spencer follows him to the desk where he lays down a handful of rocks, Penelope is shockingly quiet as she stands beside him, staring at the collection. She’ll be full of questions later, all of which he is terrified of.

“This is a rose quartz, pretty basic love, beauty, anti-depression stone,” he pushes the pink and a green rock towards him. “Serpentine is for new adventures, observation and insight. I have a feeling you’re up for an adventure with her?”

Spencer nodded enthusiastically, “I like that one. It would be better to get her some rare ones, some that have to do with friendship, new beginnings, or opportunities?” He tried to explain his feelings as best as he could. Not knowing if he sounded dumb for a change.

The man smiled wide, “here,” he dipped below the counter and dug out a box. “Chrysocolla is literally for new beginnings, love and opportunity.”

He hands Spencer a vitreous, raw blue stone with small green marks running all through it, it’s beautiful like her. “This is perfect.”

“I’ll throw in a Kiwi Jasper as well, it’s for being by someone's side, support and trust. As well as a Ruby in Zoisite it symbolizes finding the joy in life with someone,” he hands Spencer two equally beautiful stones, prepping a bag and wrappings for all of them.

Spencer lays out the 5 stones he picked out, watching him wrap them with care before placing them in a bag. He rings everything up, Spencer pays and before he’s even out the door Penelope is pouncing on him for answers.

“Who?!”

He can't help but blush and stutter, trying to brush past her and continue walking down the street. “You can’t hide forever Spencer, who is she?”

“How do you know it’s a she?”

“You literally said so?” She looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Come on? I won't tell anyone!”

“Y/N.”

The gears are turning in Penelope's head as she tries to place a face to the name, knowing she’s seen her somewhere, “From the office?”

He nods softly, “the one Derek bullies me for staring at?” He clues her in more as they walk.

“He also bullies her for staring at you,” she adds with a smile. “She’s going to love those, when are you going to give them to her?”

“I was thinking about just leaving one on her desk every day? Maybe with a note for why I picked it?” He really wants to woo her, she’s too special to just flirt with.

“She’s going to love that.”

—

Sure enough, he walked into work every day for the next week, placing a rock on a sticky note on her desk. He was never around when she was able to see it, only knowing she got it when he'd arrive at work the next morning with a note reading 'thank you ♥︎ ' on top of his files.

He thinks about her all weekend, planning how he'll give her the last rock as he takes the elevator up that morning. Only to see her sitting at her desk, phone pressed to her ear as she tried to talk someone out of suing the FBI, she looked absolutely miserable. Just a casual Monday morning for her, almost at the end of her shift.

He rushed over to his desk, putting all his stuff down to dig one of the rocks from his satchel. Picking the Kiwi Jasper for today, he grabbed a pen and a sticky note and wrote her a little note.

“Always here if you need to talk, -Spencer ♥︎”

He walked over to her desk, she was still talking so she didn’t notice him until he was right there, she looked up at him with a thankful smile.

“Yes sir,” she answered the person talking to her. “Can I call you back after I speak to the chief? thanks.” She hung up on him, turning all her attention to Spencer.

“I know you know it's been me leaving these, but I brought you in another one,” he says softly, placing the rock in her hand and sticking the note to the shelf where it would end up.

“oh my gosh, Spencer?” She placed her free hand on her heart as she looked at the rock.

“You looked upset?”

She stands and pulls him into a hug, he can feel all the eyes on him as he holds her back, letting his chin rest on her shoulder as she squeezes him.

“Thank you,” she whispered as she pulled back, awkwardly smiling at him as she also noticed everyone staring.

“Always,” he smiled back, hand still resting on her arm. “Um, I have a case I need to get to.”

“Of course, good luck,” she smiled.

He pulls the tiger's eye out of his shirt pocket, showing her that he still had it, “kinda hard not to have good luck with this.”

She bit back a smile, her eyes gleaming as she took a deep breath through her nose. Releasing the same feelings he was keeping inside, allowing both their butterflies to swarm out together.

—

He loved when they had cases in Virginia. Being able to stay in the bullpen and work was relaxing, it was easier to think where he felt safe.

He was working on the geo profile all alone, a huge map stretched across a clear case board as he laid a yardstick across it. Drawing a thick red line with marker over it, in his own little world as he worked away.

He doesn’t realize she’s standing there too until she’s lightly pressing her hand on his back.

“Hey,” she whispers softly. “It’s 10 pm, thought you’d like a coffee?” She places the purple mug on his desk with her purse, turning her attention back to what he’s doing.

“Thank you, I’m almost done here,” he says softly, finishing the red triangle he was making on the map.

“I’ve always found it fascinating how you do this,” she complimented him. “You’re so careful.”

“Like baking, it’s an exact science,” he smiled softly.

It made her giggle slightly, placing her hand back on his back as she moved in closer to look. He wanted her to stay there forever, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus. He tried his best to steady his hand as he finished the line.

Putting the yardstick back down and turning to her, she doesn’t move her hand, instead, softly moving to rest on his arm as she stands close to him. “How are you?”

He feels nervous for some reason, it’s not like she hasn’t been this close to him before. It’s just that she’s close and she smells wonderful and he wonders if her lips would be a better wake-up call than the coffee she brought.

He realizes he’s staring at her lips when he licks his own, “I’m good,” he furrows his brow and clears his throat with a nod.

She smirks at him, “how come you’re the only one still here? Hotch said it could wait till tomorrow?”

“I was waiting for you,” he admits, “but I got carried away setting this up, I never heard you come in?”

“Cause I didn’t,” she scrunches her nose slightly as she straightens her stance. “I saw you working hard and went right to get you a coffee.”

“You’re wonderful,” he blushes as the words slip out, trying his best to keep eye contact when all he wants to do is kiss her.

She pats his arm slightly as she backs up a little, grabbing her bag from where she set it on his desk. “I’m going to set up for the night, come talk to me before you leave?”

“Of course,” he says as she walks away, letting out a small sigh as he realizes just how badly he wants her.

He never gets to talk to her before he leaves, she’s on the phone when hotch comes storming in. Saying something about another body and making Reid leave with him. He’s busy for 3 days straight, thinking about her with every free thought he’s able to squeeze in.

He carries the rock from her in his pocket everywhere he goes; in his pants beside his keys, in his bag with his books, in his breast pocket, over his heart, behind a bulletproof vest. Feeling it press against his chest, a part of her keeping him safe where ever he went.

They finish the case with minimal damage, Spencer specifically making sure that Derek leaves all the doors on the hinges for Y/N’s sake, cleaning up any messes they make so she won’t have to hear about it over the phone. They all notice that he’s doing it for her, quietly appreciating the fact that Spencer is happy for a change, that there’s a glimmer of hope in his eyes again.

He arrives back at Quantico 30 minutes before her shift starts. Everyone else is packing up for the day while he sits at his desk, reading to occupy the time before she comes in.

Only she doesn’t.

30 minutes pass and she’s nowhere to be seen, it’s only 9:02 by the time he starts to panic. Wondering if she’s okay, hoping she’s just in the elevator or grabbing a coffee that’s actually good, somewhere outside of the office.

“Reid,” he hears Hotch calling him from his office door. “She just called in, her grandmother passed away last night so she won't be in.”

“Oh,” he furrows his brow, looking at him with confusion. “How did you know?”

“Penelope,” he smiles. “She’s still here too, and she knows where Y/N lives.”

“It wouldn’t be weird to go see if she’s okay?”

Hotch just smiles at him again, “go see her, Reid.”

Getting her address from Penelope felt a little weird, but she writes it on a sticky note for him and he’s out the door before she can even pry into what he’s going to say. Which is good, because he doesn’t know yet.

It’s late, but he stops by the little rock store on his way to her house. Seeing the lights still on and the same man from before behind the counter.

“Welcome back,” he’s overly cheerful for it being so late. “How did she like them?”

“She likes the ones I’ve given her so far,” he smiles, looking over the wall himself this time for the right one.

Scanning past every emotion and affirmation known to man as he looked around, picking out a beautiful pink Rhodonite for healing grief, supposedly acting as a hug from emotional troubles. And a Rainbow Moonstone for inner peace, harmony and strength.

“She’s lost someone recently?” He asks as Spencer places them on the counter.

“Her grandmother,” he says softly. “These are good, right?”

“They’ll be perfect, we also have amethyst bracelets, they’re good for healing and drawing in positive energy,” he points towards the small display of bracelets. Small purple stones separated with small gold beads.

He picks up 2 of them, placing them on the counter as well.

“Is she still just a crush?”

Spencer laughs lightly, “unfortunately.”

“She might be more after this,” he smirks, ringing him up. “I’ll give you a 2 for one deal on everything, I have a feeling you’ll be in a lot.”

Spencer thanks him as he pays, picking out a small purple bag for the rocks and bracelet. Placing one on his own wrist before leaving. Also picking up some cookie dough ice cream and a card at the corner store just beside her apartment. Remembering all the times Penelope, JJ or Emily has mentioned it being the best ice cream for crying.

He takes a very deep breath before knocking on her door, hoping to every god out there that she doesn’t find this incredibly inappropriate and weird.

“Spencer?” He hears her voice before she even opens the door, looking out the peephole at him.

She whips the door open, eyes puffy and swollen as she looks at him in shock. She’s in a big sweater and shorts, tears dripping down her cheeks as she shakes her head at him.

“I thought you could use some cheering up?” He awkwardly smiles, holding the ice cream up for her to see.

She wraps her arms around his middle, burying her face against his coat. Still crying as she holds him, he holds her with his free hand, shushing her as he presses his cheek to her head.

She pulls back with a sniffle, “come in,” she offers with an arm out, ushering him inside the small room as she closes the door.

He takes his shoes off, handing her the ice cream so he can take off his coat and satchel too. “This isn’t weird right?”

“Not at all,” she laughs slightly through the awkwardness. “You don’t know how much it means to me that you care this much.”

“I brought something for you,” he says as he struggles to dig everything out of his pocket.

He hands her the card and the little purple bag, seeing the overwhelming glance grow on her face. Her eyes grew wide as he mouth opened, speechless.

She opened the card first, reading the passage about grief that was already provided. Dealing with grief was something Spencer knew too well, adding something a little special to the bottom of the card.

“To live in hearts we left behind is not to die,” -Thomas Campbell. As long as you remember her, with a smile on your face and love in your heart, she will always be with you ♥︎ Spencer

She wipes her tears with her forearm, placing the card on the counter beside the ice cream before she opens the bag. She pulls out the bracelet first, absolute shock on her face.

“Spencer?” Is all she can say, in a high squeak as she shakes her head at him.

“I didn’t want you to be sad,” he says softly, stepping into her space and placing a hand on her arm. “I love seeing you smile, and I thought this could help.

He takes the bracelet from her grasp and places it over her hand. Resting it on her wrist softly, straightening it out against her sweater as she notices the matching on over his shirt sleeve.

“Oh this is so cute,” she swoons. “thank you, really Spencer.”

“And there are some rocks for grief healing in there too, one is supposedly like an emotional hug which should heal the grief and sorrow, and the other is more for inner peace and harmony,” he rambles away, not wanting her to miss anything.

She pours the rocks from the bag, into her hand, looking them over silently with a smile, “they’ll look great on my desk.”

“The purple looks nice on you too,” he compliments her, watching her eyes drift up to him.

She places the rocks on the counter before wrapping her arms around him once more. This time he’s able to actually hold her back, tight as possible as he rubs his hand over her back.

She smells like home, clean laundry and happiness. She’s soft and warm, he holds her perfectly against his chest, like she was a missing puzzle piece that someone finally found under the table, she fits into his life like she was supposed to be there.

She kisses his cheek softly before she pulls back, causing him to pull her into a real kiss on impulse. Connecting their lips as she sighs into the contact, melting into his grasp as she kisses him back.

Her lips are soft, fitting between his own gently as she breathes him in. Her hands reach up to grip his cheeks, kissing him again and again, placing pecks to his lips and cheeks with her eyes closed as he giggles.

“Thank you,” she whispers against his lips, “for everything.”

“I’d do anything for you,” he whispers back, kissing her one last time before she pulls away.

“I was actually about to smoke some weed on the fire escape and probably cry some more,” she laughs lightly. “would you like to join me?”

“I’ll stick with a bowl of ice cream,” he smiled awkwardly.

“Nice one,” she laughs as she opens the ice cream.

“What?”

“Oh, you didn’t even get the reference you made,” she laughs lightly, “to get high you smoke a bowl, so…”

It makes him smile, “I'm a comedian part-time.”

He makes her laugh again, loving the sound of her giggle replacing the tears. “Why aren’t you this funny at work?”

He thinks about it for a little, watching her scoop the ice cream into two bowls, “it’s a little hard to make jokes when people's lives are on the line, I know everyone else does but I get too focused.”

“They probably wouldn’t appreciate your jokes even if you did make them,” she says as she handed him a bowl with a spoon. “They’re kind of mean to you, in a family way but it still sucks sometimes to overhear.”

She walks into the living area then, grabbing a few blankets and opening the window to the fire escape. Crawling out to sit on the ledge, waiting for him.

“I don’t mind it,” he says as he finally sits down beside her.

She places the blanket over their laps, both of them sitting criss-cross applesauce as they ate.

“Do you like your job?” She asks him, just like he once asked her.

“Most of the time,” he nodded as he got brain freeze. The cold air, the cold ice cream, everything that was catching up to him as he scrunched his face up at the feeling.

She laughs at him only a bit before she’s also attacked by the brain freeze, holding the vein in her neck as she chokes out another laugh, trying to warm up the blood going to her head so the pain would stop.

They’re both just a mess of giggles together, unable to say any words as they let it all out. She leans her head on his shoulder lightly as they calm down to just soft chuckles. He presses his cheek against her head.

“Thank you, Spencer,” it sounds like she’s crying a bit. “My grandma was a lovely woman, she’d be glad I’m laughing right now.”

He reached out a hand for her to hold over the blanket. She interlocked their fingers softly, both cold from holding their ice cream bowls.

“If she was anything like you, I’m sure she was the most wonderful woman,” he says softly, not intending to make her cry but having a feeling he might.

“Would you be interested in holding me on the couch while I cry?” She asked softly, tears in her eyes as she looked up at him.

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you.”

—

He’s late for work the next morning.

Waking up to the smell of coffee, opening his eyes to a strange view. He’s on a couch he doesn’t recognize in a room he doesn’t know too well.

Then he remembers, they ended up cuddled up on the couch. He wakes up to the memory of her on his chest, crying softly as they listened to some music, he ran his hand over her back while she went through it all, blessed to have his support.

He fell asleep under her at some point, waking up alone with a blanket laid over him. He sat up to see her in the kitchen, pouring coffee into a travel mug.

“Good, you’re awake,” she smiles at him. “Coffee is ready, I uh, I have this button-up shirt from a guy friend, if you wanted to wear that to work today? So they don’t think you stayed here?”

“That’s smart,” he replies as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

Getting up, he uses the bathroom, changes and takes that coffee from her. He’s not expecting her to kiss him on the lips at the door, but she sends him off to work like an old housewife.

He doesn’t want to pull away from her, keeping her pressed against him as he leans in for 4 more kisses before she finally pushes him out into the hallway with a laugh, “get to work!”

“Fine,” he sighs, “are you going to be in tonight?”

“Yeah,” she smiles, “funeral is in West Virginia next week, so I’ll be in until then.”

“I’ll see you later?”

She nods slightly with a soft smile, “you’ll be seeing a lot of me soon, Spencer.”

“Good,” he winks at her before heading down the hallway and towards the street entrance.

He sighs as he walks outside, resting his back against the apartment complex door, taking a moment to think about everything that just happened, the night of company and the wonderful send-off.

It was something he could get used to.

He rushes into the briefing room when he arrives at Quantico, sitting down with his coffee and pretending he wasn’t late. Listening carefully to JJ’s presentation of the case as he flips through everything he missed already.

“Wheels up in 30,” he heard Hotch say as he zoned back in. “Nice of you to join us, Reid.”

“I know that travel mug from somewhere,” Derek said as he stared at Spencer, who was taking a sip to avoid the awkwardness.

“Hmm?” He played dumb.

“That’s Y/N’s. She washes it every morning when she leaves to go home, I see her do it every morning,” his eyes open wide. “Holy shit.”

“Isn’t that the same tie and slacks from yesterday?” Emily teased him as well.

“Her grandma died, I brought her ice cream and slept on the couch okay?” He all but yelled, flailing his arms slightly so they’d all back off.

Derek reached his fist out for him to pound it, “good man.”

Then Penelope noticed the bracelet, “did she get you that?”

He sunk his hand into his pocket then, “no.”

“What?” Emily and JJ asked in unison, straining their necks to try and get a good look at what she was talking about.

He nervously held his arm out for them, showing them the purple bracelet resting over the sleeve of his shirt. “I got one for her too, it’s for healing and peace. It’s what she needs right now.”

“Oh, so you love her,” Derek smiles as he teases him. Making everyone else in the room swoon slightly.

“Okay and?”

“Oh my god!” Most of them shout at him, embarrassing him to no end. He was so glad she wasn’t at work this morning or else she would be able to hear this from her desk.

“Did you kiss her?” Rossi pries, asking what everyone else was thinking.

He scrunches his face, pushing his glasses up slightly as he clears his throat, “a few times.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” JJ kept the questions coming.

“Not yet,” he said softly. “Kinda weird to walk into her apartment while she cries to say ‘hey sorry about the death in your family, want to date me?’”

“Yeah,” Emily agrees, shrugging lightly. “At least she knows you like her now, it’s been what? 2 years?”

“2 years, 3 months, 17 days and 43 minutes,” he confirms with a small nod and pressed lips.

“Gross,” Derek teases him.

“The plane is leaving in 10 minutes,” Hotch cut into their fun.

Making them all gather their things and continue the interrogation in the elevator, and eventually on the plane, and in the police precinct. Even Penelope called him in the middle of everything to bug him about her.

The questions were never-ending, everyone wanted to know how they even started talking, who made the first move, how he plans to ask her out. They were relentless, he almost regretted admitting to anything.

They bug him all throughout the day, all the way until they’re arriving back at the BAU late that same night. He almost doesn’t want to go back to the bullpen and see her with all of them, knowing they were going to follow and say something.

She’s waiting in the hall when the elevator doors open, a pressed-lipped smile on her face, “bad news.”

“Another one?” Hotch sighs, “have Garcia send us the info. Be at the table in 10.” He pushes his way out of the elevator, passed them all as they stare at Y/N.

“Hi?” She awkwardly waves at them all, showing off the bracelet on her wrist.

“See ya, Spence,” JJ and Emily say as they matt his shoulder, dragging Derek and Rossi towards the bullpen doors.

“Sorry,” he apologizes for them softly, stepping into her space.

She wraps him up in a quick hug, keeping one arm around his waist as she guides him towards the bullpen, “it’s fine, they’re going to have to get used to us being together.”

“Together?” He repeats her words.

“I only cry on my boyfriend's shoulders, if you're up for the title?” She teases him softly, pinching his side as they walk towards the doors.

“Can I frame “Dr. Spencer Reid, Y/N’s boyfriend” beside my Ph.D.’s?” He keeps his hand on her shoulder, holding each other slightly as they walk towards her desk. He felt like one of those kids who wouldn’t let go of their girlfriend's hand in the school hallway, attached to her at the hip.

“I’ll make one for you while you’re gone,” she laughs lightly.

They stop at her desk where he sees all rocks he got her collecting on the shelf, as well as a cup of coffee and his favourite kind of donut.

“Thought you deserved something nice too,” she says as she nudges his side.

He kisses her on the cheek as a thank you, “you’re welcome,” she smiles to herself. A feeling of pride growing in both their chests.

“See you later?” He asks as he picks up the coffee and donut, walking away slowly as she smiles at him.

“Come home to me safely, Doctor Reid,” her voice is just loud enough for everyone in the briefing room, where everyone is waiting at the window, watching them, deciding to put on a show in return.

He stops on the steps to look at her softly, “I’d fight a thousand unsubs to come home to you.”

“I’ll leave the light on,” she blows a kiss at him, making him blush a deep red.

He waves, making his way up the steps and into the briefing room. A smile on his face, heart thumping in his chest, all the support in the world swarming around him as everyone patted him on the back.

That tiger’s eye really did bring him good luck and happiness, and her name was Y/N.

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #46 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #45

Yuri

Victor came home on Thursday afternoon.

In a plot twist that I should've seen coming, I was left to cope with Victor's hospital discharge alone. My father, who'd insisted on staying with me since the previous Friday night, suddenly declared on Thursday morning at breakfast that he was going back to his house.

For all his talk about how important I am to him and how he felt uncomfortable with me being by myself, I saw that I was once again lower than everybody else on his list of priorities. Even Koichi, his personal assistant and Yuki's de facto babysitter, apparently rates higher than me. It was a call from Koichi that sent him scurrying back down to the valley. I don't know what it was about, but whatever it was, it obviously rated higher than me and Victor. It was probably some business emergency, because clearly the threat of losing money is always more urgent than consistently supporting his son.

As angry as I was about him leaving at the precise moment I needed him most, that wasn't my only emotion. There was some measure of relief mixed in with my anger, as contradictory as that sounds. Our week together had been tense. It was as if we'd been performing some sort of complex dance on a floor made of glass. One misstep by either of us, and the whole fragile foundation would shatter and damage us both.

I don't know if I could've handled more of that and the stress of caring for Victor too. Besides, Victor would never have tolerated Papa's presence, and perhaps he knew that as well. Maybe his abrupt exit was for the best, notwithstanding how confusing and hurtful it felt to me.

I hate that my relationship with my father is so fraught. I wish we could be more like my friends and their parents. Takahiro can go to his father and mother about anything without worrying about being criticized or judged. Seiji is so close with his parents that all three of them cried when he moved out to a house less than a kilometer away, and Mr. Hinamori kept saying how proud he was of Seiji's newfound independence. My father, in contrast, tried to stop me from moving out by telling me I was too weak and frail to live alone, but then didn't even help me put my suitcases in my car on the day I left. Recently, he barely batted an eyelash when I told him I'm considering immigrating to Canada.

Honestly, I don't know what to think. Most of what Papa does for me, when he does anything at all, seems to be performative, like he's doing it because he's my father and certain things are expected. But then, there are times when I almost believe his concern is real, like last Friday night when he came back to the hospital to check on Victor and me and offered to drive me home. I'll probably never discover the truth, though. I've already resigned myself to that.

But, I was telling you about Victor, wasn't I?

Unfortunately, I'd been living under the false expectation that once Victor was home again, everything would somehow be okay. I thought maybe, once he was in a familiar place, he'd be less depressed and scared, and he'd start to feel more confident about trying to do a few small things for himself. At the very least, I'd hoped that he would be able to walk from the sitting room to the bathroom by himself, even if he did need my help while he was in there.

Needless to tell you, every assumption I made was wrong.

I had absolutely no clue how dependent Victor would be, and how difficult and exhausting it would be to have him home. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad he's out of the hospital, but I was utterly unprepared for it. It's only Saturday, and our current reality is already starting to take a toll on me. Fortunately, Dr. Grace and Dr. Julian are here to help us now, but that's a whole story on its own, and I'll come back to it later.

As Dr. Sato had foreshadowed earlier in the week, she sent Victor home in a wheelchair. After a round of neurological, orthopaedic and motor function tests that took up a good chunk of the day on Wednesday, all the doctors and technicians agreed that there was no physical reason why he shouldn't be able to walk. It was the psychologist that assessed him on Thursday morning who officially reported what I, and probably everybody else, had known since Sunday. The problem is in his head, but in a part of his brain that the doctors couldn't see with their various scans. The issue is a purely conceptual one. In short, Victor can't walk because he's convinced himself that he can't.

I'll admit, I hadn't been thrilled about the wheelchair when Dr. Sato first mentioned it. For his part, Victor hadn't seemed to care one way or the other, and barely reacted when I rolled him out of the hospital in it.

We must've been a sight, making our way across the hospital parking lot with Victor slumped in his wheelchair and huddled in a blanket like a disaster survivor, and me struggling with the unfamiliar task of pushing him. He'd outright refused to wear his competition jacket, and I hadn't brought another coat for him since I incorrectly guessed he'd wear the one he already had with him. It was a bitterly cold day and I couldn't take him outside without something to protect him from the elements, so I'd had to go out to the car and collect the big red fleece blanket we usually keep in the back seat to wrap him in. The end result was that it looked like I was kidnapping a homeless person. It was something Victor and I might normally have laughed about, but at that moment, nobody was in the mood for laughing.

Despite my initial misgivings about the wheelchair, I'm grateful for it now. I'd never be able to get Victor from one room to another without it.

We were limited to the downstairs portion of the house for the remainder of Thursday and all of yesterday. The wheelchair was of no use on the stairs, and I realized fairly quickly that I lacked both the skill and the physical strength to help Victor up to his bedroom, so he spent Thursday night on one of the sofas in the sitting room. I occupied the other one. I would've liked to be in my bed, but I decided I'd better stay close to Victor, in case he needed anything in the night.

As it turned out, my instincts were good. He needed quite a lot during the night, and neither one of us got much sleep because of it.

One of the side effects of the pain medication Dr. Sato prescribed for him is abdominal discomfort and nausea, and that was the main reason our rest was interrupted. He had almost nothing in his stomach due to his continued refusal to eat, but that didn't prevent him from repeatedly heaving into the bin I'd brought down from the upstairs bathroom as if there actually was something his body needed to expel. I'm sure you can imagine how much pain that caused him, especially with his cracked rib, and it led to bouts of heart-wrenching tears which I felt inadequate to soothe, although I tried my best.

The thing with many painkillers is that they don't eliminate the most severe pain. They dull it enough to make you reasonably comfortable and more or less functional, presuming you don't do anything to exacerbate it in the meantime. Something like throwing up multiple times when you have a rib fracture, for example.

The cruel irony of the situation, I knew, was that Victor wouldn't have been so sick if only he would eat. I had that same pain medication once, and my stomach had been so upset that I thought the meds were making the symptoms of my illness worse instead of better, until Victor read the instruction sheet that came with them and pointed out to me that they were supposed to be taken with food. After much comforting and coaxing, he got me to eat a bowl of yogurt and fruit half an hour or so before my next dose, and the difference it made was remarkable.

I was sure Victor must've been starving, but no amount of pleading seemed sufficient to persuade him to eat, Normally, he loves food and eats enough to make my belly sore just watching him, but the most I could get him to consume on Thursday was half of a cut-up apple and a few spoonfuls of sweet rice.

He didn't want me to feed him and he said he couldn't manage it by himself, and at that point we didn't have any other options. I was desperately afraid he'd become dehydrated, which would've opened up a whole new set of problems, but luckily he's able and willing to hold his water bottle between both hands, so at least he can drink on his own.

Around two in the morning, he finally fell asleep, only to wake up again about an hour later, literally screaming. I have to tell you, I've never heard a sound like that come out of a human in real life before. It was like something you might expect in a horror movie. I think I'd been on the threshold of drifting off, but all traces of sleep instantly vanished when I heard Victor making that noise.

I nearly tumbled onto the floor in my haste to get to him. He'd turned over in his sleep so he was facing the back of the sofa, and he was thrashing against it with his left hand and arm with enough force that I was certain he'd get injured even more seriously than he already was.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to touch him, in case he accidentally struck me with his flailing arm, but I didn't not want to touch him either. I needed to find out what was wrong, and help him if I could, or get help if I couldn't.

"Victor!" I exclaimed, too frightened and breathless to get out much of anything else.

"Get it off me!" His voice sounded even more strained and terrified than mine. "I can't move!"

I said his name again, perhaps a little louder and more urgently. Swallowing my fear, I caught him by the shoulder and used all my strength to pull him toward me. I succeeded in rolling him over, and he flopped onto his back with an inarticulate sound of distress. His eyes were wild, and he was gasping so hard that I was worried he might stop breathing.

"Victor, what's wrong?" I cried, too overwhelmed to be calm. "What can I do?"

He didn't answer straight away, which in hindsight is unsurprising. It took him several seconds to get his breathing under control enough to speak.

When he finally recovered his voice, he said shakily. "I... I lost control on a turn."

"I know," I said. "Were you dreaming about that?"

"Y-yeah." He gulped air. "Did I wake you?"

"No," I assured him, not exactly glad he'd been having a nightmare, but infinitely grateful it wasn't something more serious. "I was still awake. It's all right."

"It felt real, like it was happening again."

"You're safe now," I said, as I knelt beside the sofa. "Are you okay? Is there anything you need?"

"Just stay here."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," he said. He lay there for several seconds with his eyes closed, breathing slowly and deliberately. When he finally opened his eyes and turned his head toward me, his expression looked calmer but his eyes were no less haunted. "I flipped over. I don't know how many times. Then I knew I was gonna crash into the gate and there was nothing I could do. I didn't mean to put my arms out, but I panicked."

"It must've happened fast," I said. "You wouldn't have had much time to react."

"Everything went black," he whispered. "I thought I was yelling, but I couldn't hear myself."

"Takeshi said you were yelling in the first few seconds after it happened," I confirmed. "He said you lost consciousness almost immediately after that, though."

"When I woke up, I realized I was tied down and I was in the ambulance with Takeshi and some woman, and I couldn't move," he said. "I know they had to, 'cause they didn’t want me to fall off, but I didn't like it.”

“Off the rescue board, you mean?”

“I didn't remember any of this stuff before, but now I do," he said. "I wanted to tell Takeshi I didn't like it. I couldn't move, and I thought I was paralyzed, and I kept trying to tell Takeshi I couldn't see, but... but I couldn't make any words come out, and..." He raised a hand in what I guessed was an attempt to cover his face, and let out a little sob when his cast came in contact with his skin. "I hate this. I wish I still didn't remember."

"I'm sorry," I said, because I was at a complete loss as to how else I should respond.

"I just want to go to sleep and not dream about anything," he said. "I want to go to sleep and... that's it. Not dream, and maybe not even wake up ever again, 'cause this is a nightmare too."

"Please don't say that,” I said.

“Why? It’s how I feel. It is a nightmare. I don’t want to live like this.”

"You're not going to have casts on your arms forever."

"I'm not talking about my arms," he said.

"I don't know what I'd do without you. What would I do if you went to sleep and never woke up?"

"You wouldn't have to deal with me any more.”

I bit my lip, mostly in an effort to distract myself from the ache in the center of my chest. Hearing him talk like that was painful, not just because a future without him would be devastating to me, but because I couldn’t bear the thought of him believing his life was suddenly worth nothing and that I’d be better off without him.

“I don’t want you to go to sleep and never wake up,” I told him.

His reply was, “I don’t want you to suffer because of me.”

I reached out to touch his fingers, but he whimpered and jerked his arm away from mine. I wasn’t sure if I’d hurt him, or if he simply couldn’t handle the physical contact.

Lowering my hand to my lap, I sighed. "How can I make you understand? None of this is easy or fun for me, but I promised I'd be with you for better or worse, and I don't intend to break that promise. Maybe that means I’m going to suffer a bit, but I’m not about to walk away just because things aren’t the way they used to be.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I won’t,” I said.

"I don't want you to take care of me.”

"I know you don't," I acknowledged. "But, you haven't got much choice until your mother and stepfather get here, have you?"

It was his turn to sigh. "I guess not."

"What I need to understand is why you don't want me to help you," I said. "What can your mother do for you that I can't?"

I don't know what I expected, but his next words weren't it. He began to cry, and told me, "I've already complicated your life enough because I’m stupid. I don't want to make it worse."

"You’re not stupid.”

"All of this… It's my fault."

"I've told you a dozen times already, it's not your fault,” I said. “If anybody should take the blame, it's me. If I'd been there—”

"It would've been the same thing," he said. "If you were there, you would've been thinking about your job the whole time, so it wouldn't have mattered. It's my own fault because I was angry and upset, and I knew it was making me too unfocused to compete, but I did it anyway."

"You wouldn't have been so upset if it weren't for me."

"Maybe not, but if I wasn't so dumb and immature, maybe I would’ve just gotten over it instead of sulking about it. Or maybe I would've backed out of the competition. But I stayed in it because I wanted to prove I could do it, with or without you there. I know it makes no sense, but I wanted you to be proud of me if I won, and at the same time I wanted you to be sorry you missed it."

"I am sorry I wasn't there," I said. "And I'm always proud of you, regardless of whether you win snowboarding competitions or not."

"None of it matters now, anyway," he said.

"Of course it does. I still love you and I'm still proud of you."

"For what? I'm never going to compete again. I can't travel or go to university or do any of the other stuff I was gonna do, and I can't look after you the way you need me to. My whole future... my whole life is just... gone."

"Not your whole life," I said. "You still have me."

"But, why?" he asked. "I'm no use to you like this."

"Do you think you have to be useful for me to love you? Do you think I'm only with you for what I can get out of it? If that's what you think, then maybe you are stupid after all.”

I regretted that last sentence the second it eft my mouth. Tiredness and frustration had erased all my filters, and without pause for consideration, I'd given voice to exactly what had been in my mind.

I don't actually think Victor is stupid, but I can't deny that I was starting to wonder what was going through his head. It was as if he was still questioning my love and devotion, and if anything he'd said or done over the past week hurt me, that certainly did.

The effect of what I'd said was to make Victor cry even harder than he already had been doing. "I'm sorry," he said, his words barely audible through his tears. "I... I don't think that. It's just... I promised I'd always protect you, and... and now I'm failing at it."

"Yes, you are right now," I agreed, "but not in the way you think you are."

"What?" He sniffled loudly, and he looked as if he was about to swipe his hand across his face, but only stopped himself at the last moment. With a grunt of frustration, he observed. "I have to wipe my damn nose, and I can't."

"Let me help you with that," I said.

He made an unhappy noise, but didn't protest any more strenuously. "Okay."

It took some effort to sit him up, but once he was upright, I fetched the box of tissues from the table and used a few to dry his eyes and wipe his face. Holding a few more under his nostrils, I gently encouraged him to blow his nose, just like I'd seen my mother do with Yuki when she was a toddler. I was a mildly shocked when he actually did it, and even more so that I didn’t flinch at the warm dampness that leaked over the edge of the tissue and onto my fingers.

I could hardly believe I was doing such a thing and wasn't even put off by it. Under normal circumstances, I'd find anything to do with bodily functions disgusting, but miraculously, I was managing intimate tasks like face wiping, nose blowing and bathroom assistance with only minimal squeamishness. I've astounded myself by discovering this hidden ability, honestly.

Once Victor was sufficiently tidied up and I’d thoroughly washed my hands at the kitchen sink, I came back to the sitting room and climbed onto the sofa with him. He didn't exactly crawl onto my lap, but I helped him arrange his limbs so that his legs formed a bridge across mine and his arms were tucked against my chest. He was curled up enough that he was able to rest his head on my shoulder. I reached up to pet his hair.

"Comfortable?" I asked, although in that position, I couldn’t imagine he was.

"As I can be," he said. "What'd you mean before?"

"You said you're failing at protecting me," I said.

"Yeah."

"And you think that means...?"

"You know. Taking care of you. Making sure you're happy and safe, and that you have everything you need. Making sure you don't get hurt."

"And you have to be strong and tough to do all that, right?" I said. "Not show any signs of weakness?"

"Yeah," he said.

"What if I told you that trying to prove how strong you are is actually hurting me more than helping me?"

He sounded perplexed. "How?"

"Remember when we were staying at the hotel in Kyoto? I told you then that I wanted to take care of you the way you take care of me," I said. "I didn't necessarily mean like this, although this is part of it too. The main goal was to stop making everything about me, and consider your needs more, All your needs, not just physical things. And you said you liked the sound of that, remember?"

"It sounded good, but I didn't think you meant it," he admitted. "Not that you were lying to me or something, but like, how can you not make it all about you when you just... need so much?"

"Relationships aren't supposed to be one-sided, Victor. I think we should both understand that by now, don't you? Just because it looks like I need a lot, that doesn't mean you don't need anything or that I’m incapable of giving you what you need.”

"It didn't bother me that much," he said. "I didn't really mind if it was all about you."

"But, it can't be all about me. That's the point I'm trying to make. It's not fair, and it's not practical, particularly right now."

"I guess."

"You might have thought I didn't mean it, but I did," I said. "I do, and you know, the fact that you don't seem to trust me to take care of you really hurts."

"I trust you," he insisted, although his tone seemed to lack conviction.

"Do you?" I countered. "Because that's not what it looks like from where I'm sitting. Did you ever consider that I need to feel like an equal partner in this relationship? I love how much energy you put into looking after me, but what I don't love is being shut down when I try to give even a tiny bit of nurturing back to you. If you're failing me in any way, it's that."

He was silent for a while, but then he said quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Let me take care of you," I said.

"But, you can't—" he began

"I want to, and I certainly can. Let me have the chance to prove it."

There was another, longer stretch of silence, and then a pitiful, "It's hard."

He didn't elaborate, but I understood. It's hard not being the strong one. It's hard to switch roles in a relationship. It's hard to give up control.

"I know, love," I said. "I know it's hard for you, but I think we'd both feel better if you tried."