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airenyah · 2 years ago

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TinnGun Aquarium Date: Where Did Tinn’s Sharks Suddenly Come From and How Are They Connected to Liking Gun?

So in episode 7 when TinnGun go on the aquarium date with Yo and his girl there is a bit of dialogue that really confused me back when the episode aired. And maybe it confused you too. So now I’m here to share some background information with you.

I’m talking about this specific line:

Back when the episode aired I just didn’t understand why Tinn was suddenly talking about sharks when he had just been referencing their date. Where did that thought suddenly come from? What’s the connection between those topics, how did Tinn get from their date to sharks and biting to liking Gun?

Well, you see, I wasn’t able to follow because I had completely forgotten about one key element here: ฉลามชอบงับคุณ (= “sharks like biting you”) is a song by Bonnadol ft. IIVY B and Tinn is directly quoting the first line of the chorus to Gun. Cue the ensuing jokes about sharks and liking and biting.

Now you might see this and think “Ohhh so it’s a song reference and that song suddenly popped into Tinn’s mind so that’s why he’s randomly changing the topic. Plus, the song talks about sharks and liking so that’s how Tinn made the mental jump from ‘sharks may bite you’ to ‘I like you’. Got it, thanks.” and, well... yes. That’s the short answer. However, there is more to discover in this scene and more word play going on in Thai.

So come with me on a deep dive into the dialogue of this scene and find out what exactly is happening here in Thai.

We’re gonna take a closer look at Ep7 [3/4] from 10:10 onwards till pretty much the end of the scene. The given English translation of the dialogue goes as follows:

Tinn: Sharks, they may bite you. But I like you, no bite. Gun: Are you flirting or what? Here. Let me tell you something. If you want to hit on someone, use your own line. (laughs) Sharks, they may bite you. (Tinn steals Gun’s snack) Tinn: Sharks, they like to bite. I do too, but only the one I like. Gun: Bite, my ass! (laughs and shakes his head) Tinn: Look at you now. I bet you like the one that bites you.

Before we go and take a closer look at what is hidden in the original Thai lines, let me give you a quick vocabulary lesson, though:

ครับ [kráp] – often also transliterated as krub. If you’re an experienced thdrama watcher you are likely familiar with this word. But if you’re new here: ครับ [kráp] is a particle that is added at the end of a sentence to make that sentence formal and polite. ครับ [kráp] is typically used by men, while women typically use ค่ะ [khâ] instead. (You’ll also hear this particle as an answer to or confirmation of a statement/request/order/etc., but this isn’t relevant for the scene we’re about to discuss.)

ชอบ [chôp] – to like. If you’re an experienced thdrama watcher you’ve also heard this one a lot. However, what you might not know is that this word can also be used to talk about a habit or about what someone/something tends to do. Earlier I translated the song title ฉลามชอบงับคุณ [chà-lăam chôp ngáp kun] as “sharks like biting you” but it could also mean something like “sharks tend to bite you”. (word for word the title makes shark(s) – like/tend to – bite{cute} – you{formal})

ผม [pŏm] – formal/polite first person pronoun for males (I)

คุณ [kun] – formal/polite second person pronoun (you)

งับ [ngáp] – cutesy word for “to bite”

Part 1: The Song

Now with that out of the way I want to take a look at the first line of the chorus from the song:

ฉลามน่ะชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [chà-lăam nâ chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp]

So this line is made up of two sentences:

ฉลามน่ะชอบงับคุณ [chà-lăam nâ chôp ngáp kun]: This is the first sentence and translates to “sharks tend to bite you” or “sharks like biting you” which is also the song’s title.

ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp]: This is the second sentence and translates to “as for me, I like you”.

So here we can immediately see how talking about sharks and biting leads to talking about liking someone and it’s through the repeated use of the word ชอบ [chôp] aka “to like”. First the singer talks about what sharks like (biting), then the singer talks about what he himself likes (“you”).

But there’s more!

Maybe you’ve already noticed that there is another word from our vocabulary lesson that is repeated in both sentences:

ฉลามน่ะชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [chà-lăam nâ chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp]

Yes, the word งับ [ngáp] gets repeated as well. Now you might be a little confused, because I just told you that this translates to the verb “bite” and I also just said that the second sentence translates to “as for me, I like you”. How does the biting fit into this sentence?

Well, so the thing is… Remember the very first word from our list? Remember ครับ [kráp]? Maybe you’ve also noticed that I put it on the vocabulary list, but then it doesn’t even show up in the song lyrics at all...

Except, it does! It just doesn’t look or sound like ครับ [kráp]. It sounds like งับ [ngáp], aka the word that I just pointed out that also gets repeated in both lines.

So, as you might have guessed by now งับ [ngáp] can either be a cute way of saying “to bite” or it can also be used as a cutesy word for the polite particle ครับ [kráp]. Tinn has already used งับ [ngáp] in this sense on Gun back in episode 2 when he was pretending to be Lion, like we can see here for example:

ลองไปที่นี่ดู แล้วพี่จะรู้เองงับ [long bpai tîi nîi duu • láeo pîi jà rúu eng ngáp] try–go–to–this–see • then–older sibling–will–know–self–[cutesy polite particle]

Now let’s go back to the second sentence of the song and take a look at the pronouns: ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp] (= “as for me, I like you”).

The singer here uses the polite first person pronoun ผม [pŏm] when he refers to himself and the polite second person pronoun คุณ [kun] when he says “you”. These are pretty formal pronouns that usually also come with a polite particle. So technically the sentence “I like you” with these formal pronouns should go ผมชอบคุณครับ [pŏm chôp kun kráp] – literally “I like you krub”. However, the singer wants to be cute, so he switches the polite particle ครับ [kráp] with the cutesy form งับ [ngáp] and sings “I like you ngáp” instead.

(On this note, some interesting tidbit: according to my Thai friend who I discussed this scene and song with, in his words, it’s mainly “lesbian tomboys” who use งับ [ngáp]. He said men might use it in writing but don’t really say it.)

Anyway, now that we know that the song lyrics make “Sharks like to ngáp you. As for me, I like you ngáp”, let’s see what they do with it in MSP.

Part 2: Tinn and Biting

The dialogue starts out with Tinn saying “Sharks, they may bite you. But I like you, no bite”. At least it does according to the English subtitles. What he really says in Thai is this:

ฉลามอะ ชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมอะ ชอบคุณงับ [chà-lăam à • chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm à • chôp kun ngáp] shark(s)–[particle] • like–bite–you {formal} • as for–I {formal}–[particle] • like–you {formal}–[cutesy polite particle]

Here is the line from the song in comparison:

ฉลามน่ะชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [chà-lăam nâ chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp] shark(s)–[particle]–like–bite–you {formal} • as for–I {formal}–[particle]–like–you {formal}–[cutesy polite particle]

As we can see, Tinn is pretty much directly quoting that line of song to Gun. So a more literal translation of what he’s saying here would be something along the lines of “Sharks like biting you. As for me, I like you”. Or rather, if we remember the word play with the word งับ [ngáp] = to bite and งับ [ngáp] = cute form of ครับ [kráp], what he’s saying is actually “Sharks like to ngáp you. As for me, I like you ngáp”.

This makes Gun laugh and he says “Are you flirting or what? Here. Let me tell you something. If you want to hit on someone, use your own line.”

Now that we know Tinn quoted a line of a song we also understand that Gun recognizes it as such and that when he says “use your own line” it’s actually him calling Tinn out for quoting a song instead of coming up with his own original pick-up line.

Gun then turns away and repeats the first part of the song lyrics to himself, still very amused: ฉลามชอบงับคุณ [chà-lăam chôp ngáp kun] (= “sharks like biting you”).

Tinn was just scolded for not being original in his flirting and what does he do? He “bites” Gun and then, according to the subtitles, says: “Sharks, they like to bite. I do too, but only the one I like.”

Now let’s once again look at what’s happening in Thai. What Tinn is saying here is this:

ฉลามอะ ชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมอะ งับคนที่ชอบ [chà-lăam à • chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm à • ngáp kon tîi chôp]

Let’s bring up the song lyrics again:

ฉลามน่ะชอบงับคุณ ส่วนผมน่ะชอบคุณงับ [chà-lăam nâ chôp ngáp kun • sùuan pŏm nâ chôp kun ngáp]

We can immediately see that Tinn is once again directly quoting almost the entire line of the lyrics to Gun. He repeats the whole “Sharks like biting you. As for me…” part, but then he unexpectedly changes the last part. This time around he doesn’t end the sentence with “I like you ngáp” (ชอบคุณงับ [chôp kun ngáp]) like the song does, instead he ends it with:

งับคนที่ชอบ [ngáp kon tîi chôp] bite–person/people–that–like

Since Thai doesn’t have plural forms, this can be translated as “I bite the person that I like” or “I bite the people I like”. So what’s happening here is that after being scolded for being unoriginal, Tinn then quotes the song again but decides to prove that he can indeed think of a line on his own by changing the second sentence from “as for me, I like you” to “as for me, I bite the person/people I like”.

What’s kinda interesting to me here is that the second sentence from the song talks about คุณ [kun] (= “you”) and Tinn in his own continuation talks about คน [kon] (= person/people). I find it interesting, because these two words sound very similar. In fact, when I tried to transcribe the Thai lines I actually wasn’t sure whether Tinn was saying คุณ [kun] or คน [kon] here. It sounded like งับคน [ngáp kon] (= bite person) to me, but I was a little unsure since the song itself talks about งับคุณ [ngáp kun] (= bite you). I played it to my Thai friend and he too had to listen to it a couple of times before deciding that it must be คน [kon] as that would make more sense.

Alright, moving on. So Tinn has just quoted the song again but with a changed ending: “Sharks like to bite you. As for me, I bite the person/people I like.” Gun doesn’t know how to response to this, so after a moment of consideration he comes up with a witty comeback: “Bite, my ass!”

(Fun fact: the expression he uses here that was translated as “my ass” in English is พ่อมึง [pâaw mueng] which literally translates to “your father”. If you’re a German speaker: it means Gun is essentially saying „Deine Mutter!!“ in response lmao. Brilliant comeback, really. Extremely witty. Good job, kiddo.)

Unfortunately for Gun, Tinn’s whole flirting tactic, as silly as it was, has in fact worked on him and he can’t help but laugh again in an “I can’t believe this is the man I have chosen to love” kind of way.

Now it’s Tinn’s turn to call Gun out for it: “Look at you now. I bet you like the one that bites you.” That’s how the subtitles put it. But one last time I wanna take a look at the original Thai lines.

Tinn says two sentences here and the second sentence is more relevant for the whole song reference/word play thing, but since you’ve made it all the way here I assume you like languages and would be interested in knowing the literal meaning of Tinn’s words where the subtitles go “Look at you now”, so I’ll just tell you that too while I’m at it.

So all in all Tinn says:

อาการแบบนี้อะ สงสัยชอบคนที่งับ [aa-gaan bàep níi à • sŏng-săi chôp kon tîi ngáp]

That first sentence (อาการแบบนี้อะ [aa-gaan bàep níi à]) is a little difficult to translate for me because I don’t really know what to do with the first word, but the แบบนี้ [bàep níi] part means “like this”. The first word is อาการ [aa-gaan] which can mean “symptom” or “condition”. According to thai2english.com other meanings also include “expression” or “manner”. All in all, what Tinn is essentially doing here is pointing out Gun’s reaction, so I think to make it sound more natural and not too weird in English we could maybe say something along the lines of “A reaction like this...” for this line.

As for the other thing Tinn says, it’s this:

สงสัยชอบคนที่งับ [sŏng-săi chôp kon tîi ngáp] suspect–like–person(s)–that–bite

As I said earlier, Thai doesn’t do plural forms. Nor does it do articles. And yet another thing that Thai often doesn’t do is pronouns, meaning pronouns are often left out of the sentence entirely. Such is the case here, so this sentence could mean one of the following:

I suspect you like a person that bites.

I suspect you like the person that bites.

I suspect you like the person that bites you.

I suspect you like people that bite.

I suspect you like people that bite you.

Now what’s fun about this line is once again the word play and the reference to Tinn’s line from earlier when he said “I bite the person/people I like”. Let’s do some more comparison.

So this is what Tinn says to Gun right after he steals the snack by “biting” Gun:

ส่วนผมอะ งับคนที่ชอบ [sùuan pŏm à • ngáp kon tîi chôp] as for–I {formal}–[particle] • bite–person(s)–that–like

And this is what he’s saying to Gun now:

สงสัยชอบคนที่งับ [sŏng-săi chôp kon tîi ngáp] suspect–like–person(s)–that–bite

The reason why this is fun is that Tinn switches the words งับ [ngáp] and ชอบ [chôp]. Where first he said งับคนที่ชอบ [ngáp kon tîi chôp] (lit. “bite–person(s)–that–like” = “[I] bite [the] person/people that [I] like”) he now says ชอบคนที่งับ [chôp kon tîi ngáp] (lit. “like–person(s)–that–bite” = “[You] like [the] person/people that bite [you]”).

Let’s look at it again side by side to really see how delightful that is:

งับคนที่ชอบ [ngáp kon tîi chôp] bite–person(s)–that–like

ชอบคนที่งับ [chôp kon tîi ngáp] like–person(s)–that–bite

What’s more, Tinn switching around the words is reminiscent of, if not a deliberate callback to the word switch from the original song lyrics that started it all:

ชอบงับคุณ [chôp ngáp kun] like–bite–you {formal}

ชอบคุณงับ [chôp kun ngáp] like–you {formal}–[cutesy polite particle]

Part 3: Summary

Since this was an overwhelming amount of information in one go I’ve put all the dialogue into a table so you can look at it again side by side:

As you can see, I’ve also included the official English subtitles for those who are curious. However, I wanna stress that this isn’t to imply “the eng subs suck and I did it better!!!1!11”. I’ve put my own “literal” translation into the table mainly because the word-for-word translation of the Thai lines can be pretty confusing and I wanted to put it into a more natural sounding English so that it would make more sense.

You’ll also notice that I’ve put some of the pronouns into square brackets. That is to signify that the Thai sentence doesn’t include any pronouns there, which is relevant mainly for Tinn’s very last line as the English sentence could work either with or without the second “you”.

As for the curly brackets in the Thai column, those indicate the level of formality or the connotation of a word, especially of the pronouns.

The red text marks every time when the song lyrics are being quoted.

In Conclusion

All in all, what is happening in this scene is that Tinn quotes a line of a silly little song that includes a silly little pun and then when Gun scolds him for being unoriginal Tinn goes and takes that silly little word play even further, turning it into his own thing. And the most delightful part about it is that it absolutely works on Gun, as much as he may hate to admit it.

#my school president #tinngun #msp #msp ep7 #airenyah explains thai #adrm #no but my thai teacher has a habit ending his classes by playing us a thai song #and weeks before msp was even airing he ended the zoom session with ฉลามชอบงับคุณ #and then i just. totally forgot about it... the song was completely wiped from my memory #that's why this post is so late!! i'm really sorry!! i just really didn't remember this song at all when msp was airing #and i got so puzzled about this scene here bc Tinn's line seemed so random like #why is he suddenly talking about sharks and biting where did that come from #i mean ok sure they're at an aquarium so sharks aren't THAT strange as a topic but still #something about it just didn't sit right with me #until a while ago it just suddenly hit me out of the blue #i was just going about my business when suddenly my brain goes #WAIT DIDN'T WE ONCE HAVE A SONG ABOUT SHARKS AND BITING AND LIKING IN CLASS #and i'm just standing there like oh my god???? it's a song reference???? and i could (aND SHOULD) have known all this time????#a very random but very eye-opening experience #everything about this suddenly made so much more sense #anyway did i write this instead of writing my bachelor's thesis? yes i did :)))#which is ironic considering my bachelor thesis is about the thai language as well

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an-inky-fingered-lass · 1 year ago

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be the stillness of the moon

An alternate version of my fic, whistling static when the young learn to fly. Rated T.

Read on ao3.

He found her out on the porch, back against one of the cabin walls and one knee tugged to her chest.

Hunch proving true, Coulson snagged a familiar, heavy woolen blanket on his way out and eased the door open, letting it squeak just the slightest bit.

“Hey.”

May was staring off into the distance, the slope of her shoulders letting him know she’d heard and acknowledged his presence. She was still in pajamas, the soft, worn fabric not nearly warm enough for this kind of chill.

Phil made his way over carefully and settled down onto the wooden bench, noisy steps and his shoulders soft and easy. “May.”

“Wanted to see the sky.”

Her voice came out just below a murmur, but Coulson exhaled quietly -- relief and surprise both.

“One of those nights, huh.”

It took a long second, but she nodded. Coulson slouched comfortably, wedged his shoulder against the wooden slats of the cabin. Their cabin.

“How long’ve you been out here?” It was light, but the edge of concern appeared without his permission. It was alright.

May just shook her head.

She’d been off the last few days, snappish or a different sort of silent than usual. He’d kept an eye out but let her be, knowing she would bring whatever it was up if she needed to, and also that sometimes all he could do for her was give her the time and space she needed to deal in her own time, her own ways.

It had been months now, settling into this little cabin and building the kind of peacefulness he’d barely ever dared to imagine; enough time for him to recover his strength somewhat, for that barely perceptible air of tightly wound exhaustion that had surrounded May for years to begin to dissipate. They’d been able to start settling in, building the routines that they both, May especially, needed.

So much of it still felt new. They had thirty years between them, plenty of those spent living in close quarters and through the kind of hard years that taught you the most about a person, but it was still…different, when it was just their four walls; a smaller space, none of the responsibilities that had been a distraction and a stressor and a sanctuary all at once.

He’d gotten to hear May laugh, really laugh, for the first time in so long. He felt more like himself now than he had in years, settled and steady in his own mind and skin. They were still bound to have bad days. Always had, even back when they’d been barely more than kids, only beginning to learn what it would mean to live the life they’d chosen. May was still so used to shouldering everything on her own, and despite contrived appearances to the contrary, Phil actually sucked rather magnificently at the whole talking about it thing. They were working on it, like they were on everything else. It was still hard, sometimes.

“Wanna tell me what’s up?”

“You don’t have to stay,” May said quietly. “I’ll be fine in the morning.”

Okay, not an answer, but not a no, go away either. The fact that she wasn’t claiming to be fine now said…a lot.

“I’d like to, though.”

May blinked at him, genuinely surprised.

“If that’s okay?”

It took another moment, but she nodded. Phil tapped the blanket in his lap, drawing her attention to it, before he lifted it up, gave it a flap and wrapped it carefully around her shoulders. She had too many old injuries to be out in this kind of cold, and the weight would help. “You in pain?”

He saw her hesitate, falter. They’d had the be honest talk a few weeks ago, both of them equally as bad about powering through pain when they no longer needed to. It had taken May literally collapsing on her bad leg after pushing it for weeks for that to happen.

“Some,” May said finally, and Phil breathed out another little bit of worry. “Just stiff. I’ll take care of it later.”

Phil gave the blanket another pointed flick until she bundled herself up more securely, a little of the tension bleeding off her shoulders as she did. They had a few hot water bottles bundled up in one of the kitchen cupboards. He doubted she’d be up for a massage any time soon, but he could go dig those out in a bit, boil some water. As much as he wanted to, he knew better than to suggest going inside just yet.

The stars were bright, this far away from any light pollution. May loved it out here, despite the cold, the endless depth of the sky stretching on and on and on. Phil squinted habitually at his watch (he wasn’t wearing one) and then up at the moon, digging up rusty memories and figuring about three a.m., the angle of the waning crescent.

Pine was sweet in the air. It was still so easy to remember a world cracked apart. Phil swallowed against swelling relief, not for the first time, the reminder of more than he could have ever wished for.

May exhaled softly, letting something go. Phil took the cue and broke the silence, taking a leap.

“You went to see Robin and Polly today?”

May shook her head. “Didn’t go. Drove halfway there and turned around. I called Polly to apologize, made up some excuse, I don’t know.”

Oh. “You didn’t say anything.”

“Couldn’t.”

Phil took a slow breath, making sure he would sound the way he wanted to. “Daisy’s not upset with you, you know.”

There was a long, trembling pause. May’s voice was quiet, when she finally spoke. “She has every right to be. It was stupid of me to yell.”

Their pseudo-daughter (when had it gotten so easy to think of her like that?) was sound asleep in the little room off the hall (officially declared hers whenever she wanted it), here to stay with them the two weeks until Mack called her in to report for her new team’s first official mission. May had come home struggling, hiding it well enough that even he’d missed it at first, and it had been over…nothing, really. Daisy had stared after May’s retreating back with nothing but concern, reading the real reasons for her old mentor’s sudden lashing out in her rigid stride, the harsh lines of her back and shoulders. She knew May so much better than Phil thought either of them realized, these days.

He took another breath, still tempering his tone. “Stupid is the idea that you don’t deserve to be loved.”

May actually startled, turning around to stare at him with a look that tried its hardest to be a glare but fell quite a ways short. “I…what?”

Phil shrugged, keeping the movement gentle and easy despite the ache pulling tight in his chest. “C’mon, May. It’s not like I don’t have some idea of what’s going through your head. But it’s stupid. And I’ll keep saying so ‘til you believe me.”

“This isn’t about…” May closed her eyes with a growl, letting her head thud back against the paneled walls. “I don’t know how to do this, Phil.”

“Do what?”

“Live. Like this. Just be, I don’t know, a person. ”

“May…”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” May turned to stare at him, implacable. “I’m not the person I want to be, not… I’m working on it, but it’s not worth it if I’m hurting you— if I’m hurting everyone along the way.”

Phil shook his head, bewildered. “Where is this coming from?”

May just shook her head.

“Is this about--”

“It’s not about anything,” May snapped. He just blinked at her. There’d been no real heat in it.

May shook her head and looked away, propping an elbow on her good knee and letting her shoulders slump, palm bracing her forehead. Phil could feel her retreating, slipping farther and farther away.

He sighed and scooted closer before he could think for too long about it, rubbing a hand softly up and down the length of her spine. May wasn’t tense, didn’t flinch. Phil exhaled softly.

“Hey.”

May leaned slowly against him, her head still bowed, and he shifted to better settle her weight against his shoulder, breathing gentle and steady.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.

He shook his head, knowing she could feel it. “What’s eating at you?”

It’d been so long that the unspoken things just kind of spoke for themselves. May’s snappishness over the past few days hadn’t been the kind of snappish she got when she was pissed about something -- this sort of scattered lapse in control was the exact opposite of shutting down, of keeping everything contained the way she was wont to do. She was doing her best to let him in now because she was in a place to accept support without depending on it, because grounded and self-reliant when it came to emotional stability had always been May at her happiest.

The kind of trust in the trying had carried them through more hells than he could count. It’d been a constant in his life for so long. He’d never taken it for granted. It still meant the world.

She was on the side of the hand he could feel, and the blanket was soft under his palm as he rubbed careful circles over her back.

“I walked the perimeter,” May muttered at last, muffled. Phil just nodded. He’d noticed the mud earlier, caking her boots.

“Checked all the weapons, the locks, the go-bags. Just sat there taking the gun apart, putting it back together. I haven’t gotten like this since that stupid detail in the Alps, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Too stressed,” Phil offered softly. The frustration in May’s scoff came through loud and clear.

“With what. ”

They were opposites, in this respect. He needed time to unwind if he didn’t want to start losing his mind, always had been that way. That was why field command hadn’t bothered him, why Director would have always been a little bit miserable. The weight of it all, he’d learned a long time ago how to carry.

May could handle anything while she was in the middle of it, would take the weight of anything and somehow still manage to stay centered, steady. It was once things slowed down that she’d get wound tighter and tighter, frustration usually the first thing to break the dam. She’d never really thought that was a valid reason to struggle, either. May knew all of it, and still thought she ought to be better than all things that made her human.

“Too much, too soon?”

May scoffed harder.

“What happened today?”

“Nothing. That’s the point.”

Phil just waited.

May straightened a little, after a while, pulling away and scrubbing her hands over her face. She looked away for another long moment.

“Nothing happened. It's just me.” The anger there was a clear mask, now, something heavier underneath. Bitterness?

He stayed quiet long enough to be sure she wasn’t planning to say anything else just yet. “Kiddo loves you, Mel.”

May looked more tired than ever, looking back at him.

“She misses you, wants to spend time with you. There’s no version of that where it’s a bad thing.”

There was another long silence. Phil kept quiet until he felt the air start to unravel, the weight slowly dissipating. May grappled silently with herself, motionless at his side.

He could feel the moment she decided to speak. May didn’t look at him, the words just barely there.

“I see myself hurting her.” Pause. “You. Daisy.”

Phil made a soft sound before he could stop himself. May shook her head in response without looking up.

“I know. I know it’s just… there’s no meaning to it. It’s not… but I…

“There’s nothing to fight here,” May said softly, as close to helpless as she ever let herself sound. “Just…”

“Yourself,” Phil said softly.

May nodded. “And that’s what I wanted. I need that, need to deal with… but I’m no good to be around like this.”

“What if we want to, though?”

May just looked at him, frustrated and desolate. After a split second the look vanished; she was unreadable to him, for a moment, blank.

“May. There’s nothing you could do that would make us-- make me want you far away,” he said quietly, steady, and watched the mask begin to crack. “If you need some air, some time to yourself-- that’s different. But, May, nothing is going to make me want to give up on this. I don’t want anything more than to see you happy.”

He watched her swallow, struggle a second to speak and then decide against it.

“We need you,” he said gently, because he was trying to say, do you understand how much you are loved? and sometimes that was the version of it May understood best. “Me, Daisy. We all do. You are so loved, Melinda, you know that?”

May pressed the heels of her hands hard into her eyes for a second, dropping her hands back into her lap as she lifted her head to stare out at the night.

“I love you,” Phil said, and watched the tears well up, the way May closed her eyes tight. “Melinda, hey. Look at me?”

She did, finally, and he reached out to cup her cheek with the hand he could feel, wiping away the tears trickling down her face. May had been fighting this for so long, but now she just looked at him, unblinking and vulnerable, her hands folded together in her lap.

“You’re gonna be able to hear it without crying,” Phil said quietly. “Even on bad days. It’ll take time, probably, but we have time, okay?”

It hadn’t been a hard thing for her to say, the first time. She’d just waited for the right moment. None of that was a surprise, once he’d gotten his wits back enough to stop gaping in the hall like an idiot. He needed words, sometimes, to understand, so that was what she’d given him.

It was still different when it came to herself. It wasn’t hatred May carried for herself any more, hadn’t been for a while; there’d been a quiet morning and a good hike and in far fewer words she’d told him that much herself. It wasn’t quite peace yet, either, but in so many ways it was forgiveness. He’d watched her fight for it for years, these hard-won inches of kindness, had realized a while ago that that was something he still needed to learn for himself.

May’s strength had never begun or ended at her ability to beat people to a pulp. That had never been the part he was in awe of.

Thing is, strength has never been known to make anything any easier -- not unless you’re moving house with a grand piano. It’s just a promise you’ll make it through.

“It’s okay,” Phil said, steady. It wasn’t so gentle, this time. Melinda needed certainty almost always more than she ever needed gentleness; he’d never entirely gotten over the surprise of realizing that was something he could give her. “You’re not alone, alright? We’re here. We have time.”

They’d lived so many lives, so many years spent choosing the world over theirs. Years of sacrifice, years sacrificed. They were never getting any of that back, but this was still a gift. Nothing had ever felt so much like hope to him as it did to be able to say that so easily -- we have time.

May didn’t say a word, but she leaned forwards to press her forehead into his shoulder, one arm reaching out to hold on tight.

He held her until she stopped shaking, until her breathing settled back to steady.

After a long time, May pulled away, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. Eyes red, she managed to look disgruntled enough that Phil had to bite back a laugh.

“Lighter?” he suggested gently.

May grumbled. “Headache.”

She’d hated to cry since he’d known her. Claimed she had since she was a kid, that it always just left her feeling worse than before, wrung out. He’d said lighter because he could hear it, though, the edge of strain gone from the way she breathed whether or not she’d admit it. He would never manage to explain to her the relief it was, May allowing herself to unravel this far without so much of the old pain behind her eyes, him being able to just hold her without any terror gripping at his chest, so he didn’t try.

They sat there in silence for a few long, slow moments. Once the sense of ease had settled, Phil got to his feet, holding out a hand.

“Stars’ll be there tomorrow,” he said with a little grin, as May blinked up at him. “We need to sleep, Mel.”

May hesitated, but grabbed his hand. She didn’t wobble, as she stood up, but she didn’t quite succeed at hiding a wince, either. They wrapped arms around each other, familiar movements (except now they were just old, not recently injured), and made their way a little creakingly towards the door.

And paused, just inside the threshold.

A lamp was alight. Daisy’s dim outline was at the stove, but they could see her grin as she turned round at them, visibly chewing over potential remarks and discarding most of them.

“Morning,” she landed on, cheekily, and he heard May groan, struggling to extricate herself from her blanket and his steadying arm without the considerable indignity of toppling over.

“Why are you awake.”

“Were we too quiet?” Phil asked, grinning back at their girl.

“Mm-hm.”

May limped over towards the little counter and Daisy moved to meet her, holding out a mug and a hot water bottle. May accepted both.

“I’m sorry,” Phil heard her say, quietly, as he made his way over to sprawl over the couch. Daisy’s answering tone was soft, genuinely warm.

“S’all good, May. I know… but I think I know what you were trying to get at, maybe. We can talk about it later?”

May nodded. Phil smiled a little at the relief bleeding off her shoulders. She couldn’t exactly reciprocate, with both hands full of recently boiled liquid in various forms, but she leaned into it, when Daisy wrapped her in a brief hug. The look that passed between them said more than words ever could. Daisy’s smile was soft, as she pulled away, and that was that.

“AC?”

He grinned up at her as she came over, delivering another mug. Over at the counter, May braced herself against the scrubbed wood and took a sip from her own, looking up with one eyebrow raised.

“Bitter.”

From May, that was the highest compliment a mug (or a maker) of hot cocoa could receive. Daisy grinned over at her.

Phil took a sip in his turn, and wow. “Bitter,” he agreed. He figured he sounded only a little bit dismayed. He caught the pointed look May sent him. Not a little, then.

“Good.”

Daisy edged very obviously away, gathering up a mug of her own. “Uh. Don’t taste mine.”

May eyed her for a second. And lunged.

Daisy yelped, evading; May feinted neatly (Phil recognized the move and grinned) and wound up with two mugs in her hands, Daisy flailing. “May-- ”

They’d figured before that Daisy still couldn’t outclass May when it came down to raw speed, not in this case without quaking either her or the cocoa -- how that was still true given the amount of pain May’s stance said she was in, he didn’t know, but neither of them had spilled a drop. Phil just sighed. May took a sip.

“Daisy --”

“It’s just a little sugar-- ”

“This is not a little --”

“I’m young, my metabolism can handle it--”

“It’s the middle of the night--” May stopped. Glared. “Are you calling me old.”

“Nope!” Daisy said, as brightly as humanly possible. “Never! C’mon, it’s almost morning, mom, it’s like a once a year thing, we’re already up, you need to get warm, c’mon drink yours and gimmie!”

Mom. No one so much as blinked. May might have maybe handed over the mug with less grumbling than she otherwise would have. Maybe. Phil grinned to himself when he saw her scrub at her eyes behind Daisy’s back, just out of the corner of his eye.

“You’re coming on a run with me tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Daisy bundled towards her, herding towards the sofa. “First you need to get off your feet, sit, please, you’re freezing.”

They wound up all bundled up on the sofa together, sipping mugs of cocoa and tangled up in all the blankets in the house. Phil started telling stories, because there was cocoa and why not, dredging up some Daisy had never heard before and that May would have grumbled at, at length, on almost any other day.

Daisy’s ringing laughter filled every corner. The world closed in around them, just for a little while, a little circle of warmth, safety. Family.

May just listened, leaning against him again with Daisy’s head on her shoulder, eyes soft and content.

She was the only one of them who hadn’t gotten any sleep at all, but it was Daisy who dozed off first, her cheek still on May’s shoulder and no tension at all between her brows. May lifted her mug into the coffee table and slipped a pillow beneath her cheek but otherwise wouldn’t move, hands feather-light as they brushed a strand of Daisy’s hair gently out of her eyes. Her eyes were wet again, but she just looked at him, aching and steadfast in the darkness, the gentle light of a waxing moon.

They didn’t say a word. They didn’t have to.

They would all wake up the next morning groaning, lower backs yelling obscenities and Daisy’s neck stiff from being bent at a near-right angle for far too long. For the few hours of darkness remaining, they all slept peacefully.

May awoke with the first rays of sunlight, blinking her eyes open to find her family huddled comfortably around her, upturned faces washed in gold.

They were at peace, safe and warm. All of them bore ghosts in their shadows, stubborn and lingering; some things would still hurt, come morning. Light tumbled shyly through the window, growing in strength until it sprawled, defiant, into every corner of the room.

The day was going to be beautiful. May exhaled, soft and slow.

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