#Update: I wrote this draft a long time ago but it is being posted now in honor of Taffy Train's win in the train poll

[sserajeans]

bff premium?

kang haerin x fem! reader

synopsis: after distancing yourself from a friend you've unfortunately fallen for, the rest of the group catches onto her sour mood, and all fingers point to you

genre + others: fluff, mutual pining, friends to lovers, non-idol au, high school setting, friend group is rly just nwjns + yn

notes: i swear yail update will come i just had this in my drafts and felt bad for not posting for a while!!, requested, IM SO SORRY IT TOOK THIS LONG I REALLY WANTED TO BE IN TBE MOOD WHEN I WROTE THIS 😭😭😭😭 luckily haerin posted some pics that ive gotten completely insane over.. so!

you and haerin always had something special between the both of you.

you two met in middle school, when your homeroom teacher was assigning seats. she was a quiet kid, and so were you, but one of you had to get over it. so when the class was given a paired activity to "get-to-know each other", you were forced to come out of your shell, and haerin welcomed you (surprisingly) warmly.

it started off as a strictly-seatmate type of friendship, where you two would only interact whenever it was needed. but as you spent more and more time working on assigned activities together, you were beginning to realize that maybe you enjoyed her company more than you thought, and so did she.

eventually, you two began spending time together outside of class; during recess, lunchtime, sometimes after class in the library. it didn't take long until the both of you became really close, a known tandem. you were her closest friend, she was yours, and everyone knew that.

over time, your friends became hers as well, and so whenever everyone was free, your little friend group composed of minji, hanni, danielle, haerin, hyein, and you, would hang out together. at a clubroom, the courtyard, the gymnasium, a cafe, the cafeteria, anywhere.

but no matter how many close friends surrounded you two, it seemed clear to anyone that you were closer to each other than anyone else. the same way hanni was to hyein, and minji was to danielle.

now your feelings for haerin grew a couple years later, and you only admitted them to yourself in your sophomore year of high school. that's about four years or so since you two met, and about a year ago from today.

from the beginning, you had always found haerin pretty. it wasn't hard to admit. she was nice to look at, and the way her cat-like eyes turned into crescent moons whenever she smiled ear to ear... yeah, you knew you were enjoying it a little too much.

and it only worsened the more you got to know each other, because you found out there were so many things to adore.

the way she wouldn't stop talking about frogs, her love for tomatoes, her eyes and the way she blinks slowly when she looks at something she loves (a cat-like habit you picked up when she was watching a recipe video for an avocado dish).

the list could go on and on if no one stopped you, and after talking about it to your mom (who was very supportive of everything, by the way), you came to the conclusion that you liked haerin, in a "more-than-a-friend way".

but you had no idea, not a single clue, on what to do with that realization. what would happen if you told her? if you didn't? would she feel the same? would she be disgusted if she didn't?

crushes and romance was one of the most untouched conversation topics between the two of you, so you had no idea if she was even open to such ideas.

but the one thing you knew for sure, was that she was your best friend, and you were hers. you loved your best friend, and so did she. in a different way, or not, you felt like she still deserved to know. you hated hiding things from her, and history proves it only made things worse whenever you did.

so you decided to confess. great!

and suddenly you see her acting all lovey dovey with danielle.

well, in retrospect, they weren’t exactly being lovey dovey, and you kind of knew that.

danielle was just big on affection, as she was to everyone, and is one of the few people whose pda was complied with (or tolerated) by haerin.

and despite not being much of a pda fan, in that moment, you badly wanted to be in danielle’s place, comfortably smothering your best friend with all the love in the world.

oh, and it didn’t help that people started a couple rumors about them being a couple.

sure, everyone knew you were each other’s number one, each other’s best of best friend, but the way you two showed affection with each other was very different from the way danielle does, to again, everyone, but you didn’t care about that.

the bitter sting in your stomach seeing the two of them made you realize that it was probably a much better idea to just get rid of your feelings (you’re an idiot, you’ve had them for years. they won’t just go away). after all you didn’t want to ruin what you had with two of your closest friends.

and with that goal in mind, so began your plan to avoid kang haerin at all costs!

you’re really stupid.

in the process of avoiding haerin, you indirectly were avoiding the rest of the girls too. you mostly hung out with your other classmates from different subjects like woonhak and eunchae. and whenever you were asked about it by hanni (mostly), you shrugged it off and said it was just “school things you needed help with”.

it was a dumb excuse. everyone knew you were at least top 5 of the class. and what kind of help were you getting if you were going out to places like arcades and karaoke spots anyways?

the girls were bothered, but not as much as haerin was. she was often visibly in a sour mood, ate half of her usual cafeteria servings, and would talk a lot less than she already did.

they were worried for the both of you simultaneously, but hyein and minji put two and two together, which only doubled their worry.

initially, it was just you and haerin's separate well-being they were concerned about, but now that they realized the time frame in which you began distancing yourself matched up with when haerin's mood went down, they were now also worried about what could've happened between you two.

so they took it amongst themselves to at least know what was going on.

"haerin-ah."

"haerin."

"kang."

"kang haerin!"

haerin looked up from her untouched tray of food, her chopsticks poking around slices of beef in sauce.

"hm?"

minji sat across her as the first two to arrive in their usual lunch table.

"i was asking if anything happened between you and y/n or something..."

"oh..."

haerin looked back down and continued playing around with her food before sighing and looking back up, muttering a couple words.

"wish i knew."

"y/n-unnie! is something up between you and haerin-unnie?"

"huh? what?" you were sat in the sound proofed booth of the music room, guitar plugged in an amplifier. you squinted at hyein's figure from outside the room, putting your guitar on its stand and motioning her to come inside.

"can you repeat that? i can't really hear anything from in there..." scratching the back of your neck, you gave hyein a seat from behind the booth's drum sets.

"i was asking!" hyein took a deep breath, you raised your eyebrows signaling her to continue. "if you and haerin-unnie have something going on."

"h-huh? what? what something?"

"no not like that! i meant you know, did you fight or... 'cause she's been so sour lately! she wouldn't even give me her leftover tomatoes... she wasn't even gonna eat them! like at all!"

the expression on your face shifted to what most would identify as worry and concern.

"...she hasn't been eating the tomatoes? she loves those..."

"yeah! and so much more! anyways, minji-unnie and i deduced it was about you, so here i am." hyein gleamed with pride while you chuckled in amusement.

you leaned over to mess with the top of her head and sighed, "i'll talk to her. you don't worry about a thing, okay?"

and you kept your word to the younger girl. how could you not?

you spotted haerin alone in one of the clubrooms, cleaning up some of the materials they used for the day. knocking on the room's door startled her a bit, given by the minor flinch, but she relaxed seeing it was you.

still, you could tell her facial expression was slightly guarded, and it hurt you, but you definitely deserved it.

she turned back around to continue organizing the materials into three separate boxes, not saying a word.

"hyein said you haven't been eating the tomatoes in your lunch." you slowly took your steps towards her and stopped when you were a couole steps away on the other side of the desk she used to arrange the items. "or your lunch at all..."

she paused to look up at you and give you a short glare, before walking to move a box to the teacher's desk in the room. you followed a few steps behind her, arms behind your back as your fingers fiddled with each other.

"you shouldn't... skip your meals, you know..." you muttered, clearly intimidated by haerin’s cold facade. "health... you need to eat..."

seeing as how you still had no reply, you decided it was probably best to just go straight to the point.

"hey... i'm sorry..."

you were used to haerin not saying that much, especially when you got to know her more and she explained that it was simply just too tiring. but you were also always the exception to that.

whenever it was just the two of you, one would be surprised to see haerin as the louder one. talkative, always rambling about something, while you smiled, nodded, and gave comments whenever necessary.

"yangi, please say something"

haerin loved that nickname more than anything. it was pretty foul to pull that card, actually. you came up with it when you two were having a friendly debate over what animal she resembled.

"i don't know where you're getting cat, y/n."

"are you crazy? how are you getting frog!"

"literally everything!"

"no. you're simply incorrect. you're literally a cat in human form!"

"absolutely not!"

"whatever you say, goyangi."

"what did you just call me?"

"go-yang-i. goyangi. go. yangi."

"you're so... annoying."

"okay, yangi."

she let out a frustrated sigh, looking up at you with what felt like her eyes piercing through your soul.

"so you get to disappear on me without a word, but i have to reply when you speak to me for the first time in 8 days?"

yes, she's been counting the days.

but wouldn't you be too if she did the same?

well, you probably would've confronted her a little sooner. but it's not that haerin didn't care enough to do something about it, she just genuinely didn't want to overstep space you might've been needing.

"thats what i thought." she let go of the box, turned her back, and walked back to the desks to grab the 2nd box.

"look... i'm sorry, i really am." you immediately caught up to her with a few steps, eyes pleading with nothing but guilt.

"if you are then can you at least tell me why you were avoiding me?"

she stared at you, observing how your thumbs rubbed over your fingers, or how your breathing got a little heavy, both nervous habits she picked up.

noting how you probably weren't going to say much anytime soon, she let go of the 2nd box to face you.

"you're my best friend, y/n"

that hurt didn't it?

a reminder that that was probably all you were going to be to her.

"do you know how..." haerin took a deep inhale, it was beginning to get shaky. her mind was a mess, thinking of the best words to express the hurt you made her feel over the past few days. but she couldn't.

"nevermind."

knowing the way haerin acted added on to your internal conflict. haerin usually wasn't afraid to speak her mind when it was just the two of you, but now she is. she couldn't. and you knew it was your fault.

but were you really ready to tell her you liked her? now? you wanted to show her you were sorry, but it really wasn't that easy.

if things go wrong, she could continue the game and avoid you forever. and just like that you'd lose your best friend, ruining the group's dynamics as well.

but you figured your brain was just making up excuses for you to not tell her out of fear. what mattered the most now was letting her know you were sorry, and that hurting her was never part of the plan.

"look, i'll tell you, because i really truly am sorry for hurting you," you start off, hands in the air motioning whatever. "but i-... i need you to promise me..."

"what?" her voice was much softer now. still cold, but not sharp enough to make it feel like you were stabbed every time she spoke.

"that you won't be... weirded out, or disgusted, or leave the room. you'll talk about it with me."

"you're the one whos been avoiding the talking y/n, i hope you know that."

you often forget how quick she was with her words. it was like a whip. painful, fast, happens before you even noticed it did. you were just so used to her nicer side. she's never been frustrated with you.

"right..."

you took a deep breath, mentally composing a script of how you felt and how you were going to say it. just like the million times you've practiced to the mirror at home.

"i've been avoiding you 'cause i think i like you. or, well, i know i like you. in a more than a friend way. and i have been for a while, and i was going to tell you because i didn't like hiding things from you, but i saw you with dani one day and i just- i don't know. okay? it's stupid. i know she's like that with everyone, but i didn't like it when she was with you, so i decided that i'd rather just get rid of how i felt to make it easier and to not ruin any of our friendships. so i figured the only way to do that was if i didn't talk to you. clearly that affected us both in a way i didn't want or intend. i'm sorry i ignored you. it was selfish of me to not think about how you could've felt throughout everything."

haerin took a minute just standing there, trying to process the hell of a bomb of information you just dropped on her. her cheeks were gradually growing red the more she realized what you were trying to tell her.

"hey... hello... did you hear what i was saying... or do i have to repeat it... because i'd really rather not..." you waved your palm in front of the girl who seemed to be frozen in place. "but if that's what it takes then i guess tha—"

you stopped talking as haerin slowly approached you, wrapping her arms around your waist and burying her face on your shoulder. she was careful to do so slowly, giving you a chance to move away if you needed to. she knows you're not into physical touch, and it just wasn't exactly the norm for the two of you.

"i was worried."

"hey, i've been eating fine. it's you tha-"

"no, not that. i was worried you might've overheard dani and i talk about you when i told her i like you, and that you were disgusted by it and didn't want to be... associated with me because of it. and maybe you just didn't know how to tell me so you went with the silent treatment.... i was going nuts, y/n. that's why hyein was talking about skipping lunch and whatever. all i could think about was why."

you could feel the guilt eating you up bit by bit on the inside. it quite literally broke your heart to hear haerin, the girl with not a lot of words, express the effect of what you did. it was like acid, burning up your stomach, your chest, your head. except that acid was guilt.

"oh god... i'm so sorry, yangi... the whole thing was a really selfish move and— and i should've thought about you first. i really am so so sorry..."

you held her closer and softly shifted your body weight from one foot to the other, swaying the two of you softly, somewhat like a cradle calming a baby down to sleep.

"hey... it's okay... i know you didn't mean it. i'm just glad we're fine now."

you two stay in that position for a couple of minutes, feeling each other relax over time as a result of finally resolving the conflict you had caused.

that was until haerin broke the silence.

"so... hate to be the person to ask but..."

"what are we?"

the two of you laughed for a while at how the question was so cliche and cringe yet necessary.

"yes."

"bff premium?"

"y/n!"

"i'm kidding! i'm kidding! but... i say we take things slow? get a little used to this, whatever it is, whatever it could be?"

"yeah, i like that."

the two of you smiled at each other with nothing but warmth and care, before ultimately pulling in for another hug.

"minji-unnie you owe me 2,000 won."

"hyein you're being too loud."

"huh do you hea-?..." haerin pulled away with a surprised face, interrupted by y/n quickly stomping towards the door, slamming it open to reveal minji and hyein falling forward to the floor. a result of relying on the door for support.

"seriously? i expected hyein, but minji-unnie?" you sighed in disappointment, haerin walking over to see what the fuss was all about.

"listen, it's for hanni she placed bets too."

"...lame excuse."

"KANG HAERIN!"

[reilliane]

This is my personal obligatory post and apology for my poofing disappearance- if you're not up to read things like these, then feel free to scroll past! Have a good day/night!

—

the poofing, the poofed, and the un-poofing.

TLDR; Bad stuff happened for the entire past year, stopped college just a few months ago to learn the materials myself and market myself in the graphic design industry soon, and got a whole dose of religious epiphany that threw my life around. Wrote in a different account a few months ago to ease and destress without much expectation. Will continue to write albeit there won’t be many updates, had/have to drop original writing plans [right now focusing on a short story for Wanderer, though it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to write for others when I get the time]. May unfortunately discontinue ongoing AUs but will provide a summary for them [I think it’s only Tyranny-?] Will also open writing/art commissions soon, maybe set up a kofi account, but I won’t be ‘gatekeeping’ any content I plan to post. I’m thinking, if ever, it’d only be standalone specials or maybe nsfw [gosh I’m really saying that?] in kofi, buuut that’s just a maybe. Everything else is free to read of course <3 

A really detailed and long [I MEAN IT, MAYBE 1.3-.5K?? WC] exposition under the cut, but of course, it’s optional to read!

PS. I opened my drafts and had one or two finished works there, I will publish those soon. Get ready. Because they’re angst AHAAAAAAAAAA-

PPS. I won’t be able to respond to everyone’s sweet shucking messages in my inbox forgive me But know that I’M REALLY SO TOUCHED YALL I really didn’t think anyone would look for me that much 😭 Someone said I vanished like the avatar and it’s sending me crumpling to the floor.

ALRIGHT STORYTIME LET’S GO—first of all, I haven’t been on Tumblr for so long, nor have I interacted with anyone and coming back,, the web interface bamboozled me.

Anyway- the past year was roooough, like settling in and getting into college.

From the start, my brother and I have known of our depleting resources but couldn’t stop because of our mother’s insistence and my father’s very.. volatile attitude. Double the latter since he has cancer and has been nothing short of cranky and infuriated for the past years—knowing that the money is facing a downward slope because of his expensive medicines and learning that we’ll stop because of it would’ve,, been terribly bad and that's understating the nature of my headstrong, independent, and prideful father.

There were times when he was very somber about his state, but then mad—it was just a really bad time, but my brother and I finally convinced our mom that we had to stop for real a few months ago because money was just tight. Until now we’re hiding the fact from our dad that we stopped under the pretense that we’re only taking one course for the semester :v

We were very lost and torn.

I knew I had to go out and look for a job, but my brother would be doing the same, too—the thing was that we knew our mom couldn’t handle our dad being sick alone, so my brother opted to be the one to find work outside.

I’m learning materials and courses on my own at home, but finding a remote job without a degree is no doubt near unimaginable with how remote setups are almost nonexistent now. The time was just bleak at home, too, my father would ask for bad things to eat that would worsen his health and then blame it all on my mother when he felt body pains and repercussions—it was just BAD, that wasn't all of it, but I digress. Cancer sucks. 

Just a few days ago, I lost my uncle to the same thing, and now there’s an overall family dispute over who gets what and it feels like I’m living a kdrama fever dream [pls get me out hfasjdkfhdsaf]. I don’t recommend it if it’s not romance lmao.

Things were getting so out of hand and I also couldn’t get back into writing or socializing with everyone in my writing socials—but I still wanted to write without the expectation of being able to deliver as I used to. It was a de-stresser for me, so I opened a new account in ao3/quotev and wrote in.. November or December, I think. It was nice, I got to just type away and post and leave it at that.

I think one of the reasons why I didn’t go to Tumblr for that was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit to updates, and I love you guys, I didn’t want to say something and promise it’d be given but then nothing. I’ve done it back then and I just, don’t want to do that :(

Despite how heavy and dark the past year was, however, something really unexpected happened—okay here it goes.

As a child, I’ve been taught about Christian doctrine and was brought up to believe in the existence of a God. I didn’t have my heart in it though, of course not, how was I to believe something that I only knew because someone said it to me?? I did attend church out of duty and had a shallow fear of the greater being, but as an authentic believing person? Naw. 

Not until June at least.

I don’t know how to explain it rather I, out of the want to give my mother the chance to go somewhere she wanted to for Sunday, decided to join her for church. I was ready to just daze off and think about some solution to our problems, but then the sermon spoke to me—you know, that feeling when someone is passive-aggressively referring to you in a complaint or something?

It felt like that, only it felt like that message was something I was meant to hear, and boy I couldn’t believe it—neither did my mother [lol]. She told me how shocked she was when I listened throughout the what, an hour and a half of preaching that I usually just dismiss. 

It’s cliche, but my life really changed after that one simple Sunday.

All my tweeeeenty years of living, I’ve asked if God really is real and whatnot and I never got answered until July of 2023. What really cemented my belief in knowing that he is real, is when I decided to genuinely pray—then for seven consecutive days, the Bible would lead me to a page [like just randomly opening a part of the book after prayer] that answered my questions and/or convicted me of something. I'd wake up every day and an event would happen that would answer my confusion and I'd sit in the night thinking 'no way that just happened', but it did. Boy, when I tell you I thought I was going crazy.

Not to mention opportunities such as baptism and ministry suddenly popped my way when I only had the idea in my head and I kept it to myself. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but when it ‘popped up’ more than thrice in a single week, I knew it wasn’t. Think of it as like, the thing in fanfiction when it seemed like the universe was saying something to you. Yeah, I felt that for myself. Mindblowing.

I could go on and on about the other life-changing things that occurred, but this would be so long LOL.

But I never regret coming to faith and accepting Jesus for real that day, and although life is still dark for me these days, the burden feels light. It’s an amazing feeling. He's really changed everything.

I’m not going to force anyone these beliefs—I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end and it could get very annoying, rather I just spoke on it to say how wonderful it was to know him, and it would be nice to let others know about my side in case they'd also take the faith. Who knows?

Also, I think I understand what those people were saying now. Again, I won’t force anyone—just reminding and asking you to try if you want, because it’s amazing. Bombard me in my inbox if you’re interested, but no pushing here, because I’m a firm believer that things shouldn’t be forced if it’s not the right time yet. 

Anyway, that was my source of strength and hope to go through these days—and I believe it’s also the driving force that led me to write this out in.. in Tumblr of all places lol. If someone told me this would happen two years ago I'd laugh in their face 💀

Rather than just getting back into writing and opening my social circle again, there’s that bit in me that wants to say that religious epiphany. That said, I know how diverse everyone is in their beliefs so I’ll say it very tersely that, no, I will not be parading and pushing people to believe this and that—this space is, after all, my space for writing :)

Ah, and nor will I ramble about it like shuck lol, but I will, in private, when prompted. 

With that out of the way, back into writing—I was floored when I first opened Tumblr and saw all the notifications and messages about my disappearance and I could’ve cried, really. It touches me poor heart :sob: and I wanted to thank all of you for such caring messages—I wouldn’t be able to reply to all of them [there were many!

Like maybe more than fifteen or twenty, not even counting the direct messages] but know that I’m very- very grateful for every one of you.

I could crawl out of your screen and hug yall but I won’t because I can’t and it’d throw people off KJHFSADKJFHALJSKDFHA

Life is, again, still hard—and navigating it is still difficult, but I’m managing these days. I can no longer return to my usual days of sporadic updates and teasers lol, but I’m happy to say I will still be writing, though it won’t be my entire focus nowadays. When I open writing commissions for genshin and art commissions, it’d get me going, of course. 

I have to let go of most of my beloved works because I realized that sticking to them would take up most of my time when I need to be out there upskilling and taking initiative to start earning money to support the bills. I still wanted to write though, and in my downtime I even got to watching One Piece and writing a currently on-hold fanfiction for that in Ao3, but fuuully realized that, no, I’m no longer cut out for really long written stuff unless I commit to writing a long piece that would take weeks for it to be published. 

In the end I settled for a single character [wanderer bb] short story that I get into writing without much hassle, and make myself happy, still :) I have ideas for other characters, too, but getting them out to be posted would take longer than usual.

My other AUs, as well, since my focus is just.. God, life, expenses, work, then hobbies. I don’t guarantee finishing them [I think Tyranny? And others, like Smite/Mercy/etc.], but I have in mind to write a summary because I meant it back then when I said the plot was really finished. Sighgisghsighs

Opening art commissions, I’d do that soon—writing, too.

Maybe a kofi account, as well—but I won’t be having any posts I want to be posted to be locked behind some tip or pay. I’m thinking of only adding specials there, specials like, standalone oneshots from an AU, or an nsfw piece. Oh golly, writing that is so beyond me, I think that’s the only reason why if anything is going to be in kofi, it’d probably be the nsfw. I plan to keep this writing blog sfw, still. 

But we’ll,,, we’ll see [dying]

So yeah! That’s.. Everything. For the writing thing, I think I’ll technically just be .. here, lol, with a focus on that story with wanderer. Gone are the 7k worded oneshots, now we’re just around 1.5k unless I commit to the creation. The story is so fluffy too [not angst? Surprising] 

But again, I will write for others eventually—can’t say when, or how, or who, but I will in time. 

I have so many plans in my head about my life, and I’m glad to say going back to Tumblr is a check off the list. I have an original novel in mind, but would you all be interested in such a thing? I don’t honestly know—other than opening commissions, I also plan on a Youtube Channel, but that’s uncertain. A Webtoon for my original plot too is a maybe, buuuut those are just what-ifs. Time will tell!

Those are just my two cents and I don’t regret sharing that—you guys have been with me for so long, even if I don’t really know you all beyond that screen, you all really became a part of my life, too :”)) 

If you reached the end of this post, wow, I’m touched. I hope you all have a good day–oh wait, what do I say? Ah yes.

I wish you all a good mornight [fhkadjsfhiajhgf].

God bless yall sweet people. 

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 12.3.2024

I gave up.

So, what happened was, shortly after last week's update, I had to re-direct my attentions to Getting Ready for Thanksgiving, and so I was like "yeah, this is fine, this is a good opportunity to Think About My Fanfic, and when the holiday is over, I'll have some stuff to write." Except that the more I thought about my fanfic, the more I realized that I do not love it and I have spent a lot of time and energy trying to make myself love it and I simply don't and I don't want to work on a thing I don't love. I want to love it! I love the parts that I wrote 3 years ago!

I don't remember why, but I decided I wanted to read my weird Inuzuri Teens story. In particular, I wanted to read the insane ending, which I have told myself repeatedly I need to change if I ever want to post the story. I read it and I said "this is good actually. making sense is for chumps" and decided I wanted to work on that story instead, and so that is what I have been doing.

I don't think this is actually a permanent feeling. I'm not really giving up on a little in love. I think I am just feeling very mean right now and I'm mad a lot and I don't really want to write something nice and funny. The Inuzuri story is about the dissolution of a friendship and the death of a young person and that's why I've never finished it, but I think I feel mean enough to do that right now, so that's what I'm doing with those feelings. I am constantly inventing new and innovative forms of personal self-therapy, and I feel like my old therapist who never knew what to do with me really would have loved this one.

I don't know whether or not to bother with my stupid wordcount goal anymore. Right now, it seems very made-up and stupid. Normally, I'm pretty big on giving up things once they no longer serve, but I also feel like I'm going to be mad at myself for not meeting it. ::scrolls up to look at the gif at the top of the post. scrolls back down again::

I wrote a scene this week that I have been thinking about for ages and ages and I think I like the way it came out, except for the fact that a) I will have to edit a part later on that I have always really liked and I'm kinda pissed about that, and b) it is 3100 entire words which is more than twice as long as the next longest scene in this fanfic and I'm not too happy about that. Most of the story is in these little bite-sized chunks, and they often sort of flow into each other, so maybe it's okay. I'm a little worried that the seams between the stuff I've already written and the new stuff are going to be very visible. idk

I also went through and converted the whole thing into present tense--it was in a big sloppy mishmash of past and present. Previously, I couldn't bring myself to decide which one I wanted, but go places is present tense and I want it to match go places. I also made an outline, which is how I figured out the thing above.

Oh! Also, I have been really unhappy with GoogleDocs for some time, so I decided to give ellipsus a try (I tell you, I was really going thru it this week). It's...fine? It is occasionally a teensy bit laggy, which I mostly notice when I'm doing a search (I use the search feature a lot because I have a bad tendency to get enamored of a word and then use it too much). This is a little better in Chrome than Firefox, which has changed my entire work flow, because I have Tumblr open in Firefox, and now it's "far away". This may actually be for the best. I am not sure. Ellipsus also has this "draft" system, which is pretty much like every software version control system I've ever used, so I get it, but I'm not sure it suits the way I work. Nothing about Ellipsus precludes using my old multi-document system, and maybe I'll find it useful in the future. I'm not going to complain about a feature just because I personally don't have a use for it. I had numerous beefs with GDocs, but the #1 thing was the infiltration of ai, and Ellipsus is building its brand on being anti-ai, so I'm willing to put up with a few growing pains for now and see how things go.

I'm also trying to get back into drawing a little every day (most days anyway). Mostly, I just intend to use my art club prompts (I drew a pie yesterday). I do want to draw something for Ukitake week. I'm not going to be secretive: I'm trying to come up with a cool Rukia-Ukitake idea because I feel like they got cheated so bad in terms of captain-lieutenant power posing. I've been going back and forth between Action Posing (which is hard and not my strength) or, like, modern clothes. I'll try to get that figured out this week.

[dangerouslyintofictionalloves]

(Bucky Barnes) A Little Messed Up #1

Warnings: Hey y'all this short story is not gonna be a cute or romantic plot. Just wanted to warn y'all that this short fanfic is more of a breakup plot between the two characters.

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Violence, Cheating, Arguments, Threats, Angst

Also I wrote this years ago, so it has been sitting in my wattpad unpublished dungeon for ages. I just thought that I'd give everything I ever wrote more of a chance to shine on Tumblr to see how it does.

For some reason I just feel more comfortable publishing things here. Even if I have multiple versions or drafts of a story.

Also all gifs included are from @k-fangirledits unless it's linked to the original wattpad post then idk where that gif came from.

Main OC Character Dahlia

Plot: Dahlia is Bucky's girlfriend. They met when he had just escaped HYDRA. She helped keep him hidden. Being a secret little goodie goodie she never really got to do anything exciting with her life so she saw this as a chance to live her life well and help someone along the way. After a while of training and recruitment once Bucky and Dahlia become part of the Avengers things are not seemingly going smooth as Natasha and Bucky are sent out on a mission together and he comes back distant. This triggers powers in Dahlia that she hadn't used since her childhood when she was going through a dark time dealing with bullies, and judgement. 

Dahlia snickered to herself as she sat at the island in the kitchen.

Bucky hadn't attempted to contact her in the month that he had been gone.

On a mission with Natasha, and yet Nat is the only one out of the two that cares to give her updates of their well being and how the mission is going.

Apparently Bucky had been spending time going to the bars then coming back late in the night. Thinking he was slick and that Natasha wouldn't notice his change in behavior.

To Natasha, she thought he was absolutely insane and such an asshole to neglect his GIRLFRIEND whom is patiently waiting for him back at home.

This bullshit decision of not notifying the wonderful woman that she considers a sister who is also his GIRLFRIEND.

Phone Call:

Natasha: What do you want me to do Li? Should I confront him and beat his ass for you? 

Dahlia: No. Don't do anything out of the ordinary. Keep me in the loop like you have been and we will see if there's anything truly going on. 

Natasha: Li, he's been coming home with the obvious scent of a woman. Are you sure? It's difficult for me to report this back to you but I want to be as honest as possible.

Dahlia: That's fine Nat. Be honest, I don't want you to sugarcoat anything from me. I am a grown, adult woman and I can handle it. If that's the verdict from your position, once you arrive back at base I'll handle this. We'll see if he comes clean about his choices. 

Natasha: Alright, but only if you're sure sweetheart. I gotta go before they get suspicious of my phone call being too long for just a bathroom break. I love you to the moon and back. See you soon darling. 

Dahlia: Love you too Nat.

End of Call

Unbeknownst to Dahlia her eyes had lost their shine.

The whites of her usually glowing brown eyes, now replaced by a dark abyss matching her pupils.

She glanced down at her hands surprised seeing a dust like dark mist floating around. Similar to when Wanda activates her power but more fluid and constantly there. 

Dahlia wasn't known for any special power with her position in the Avengers.

She never knew how to control her powers growing up.

The only aspects she knew how to control was manipulating shadow people and manifesting them into a physical form, telekinesis, and hiding herself within the shadows.

Any other power she held only came out with impulse based on her emotional and mental state.

Although she couldn't control her powers unless they were triggered. She has no control over when it activates. 

Startled by the footsteps coming towards the kitchen, Dahlia quickly hid in the shadows escaping to her bedroom without anyone actively seeing her abilities.

Unfortunately for the young woman, even that attempt to hide anything from Friday had already been captured and alerted Tony and Captain Rogers.

Saying they were shocked while reviewing the security footage would be a heavy understatement.

"She h-has powers? I- I- I th-thought she was just a simple assassin." Tony stammered.

Steve sighed wishing they could listen to the audio but Dahlia had always requested for Friday to keep every single conversation she has muted for her comfort and privacy as a condition on her staying with the Avengers.

Steve sighed as he continued watching the footage on a loop.

The more he watched

The more he noticed little things in her behavior tells.

Her body language, the tears that started streaming down her face before her powers triggered, the tense posture.

By that alone, he already knew that whatever triggered her abilities to manifest, started with an intense emotional reaction.

Whatever it was, he was determined to make sure that she would never have to go through that again for her powers to trigger. She just needed time to herself, and the right training in order to get everything under control.

Dahlia sat on the floor in her room with her legs up to her chest. She buried her face in her knees, taking deep breaths to calm down. Once her anger subsided she felt her eyes morph back to normal. 

A gentle tap on her arm shocked Dahlia out of her position as she jolted herself back away from the unknown force.

Catching herself against her palms she looked at the figure that was kneeling in the middle of the room to match her height, making sure she knew it meant no harm. "Shit." She whispered. 

With a wave of her hand the shadow figure had manifested into someone she hadn't needed to see for 15 years.  

"Heya gorgeous, been a long time." Xander greeted.

Dahlia looked at him with tears in her eyes as she realized why he had become part of the physical part of her life again.

She was going  through a dark time, so her inner darkness would always come out to protect her when she couldn't be reliable to do so herself. 

Xander looked down at the young woman with a determination to make her feel better.

"Come on gorgeous, we haven't seen each other since we were seven years old and I helped beat up the bullies. I'm only here now since you're going through a big turning point in your life and you can't lock yourself away from socializing to someone. You'll only drive yourself crazy trying to isolate from any form of society." He conveyed.

Dahlia let his words sink in.

It hurt to admit but he was right.

Seeing as she was still processing this new information Xander took this moment to bring her to bed.

Being well acquainted with the young woman, he laid next to her on the bed, pulling her close to his chest for comfort. 

Dahlia automatically snuggled into Xander's chest. She missed having her best friend around. When she was young, he came and went so quickly that she always wondered if he was just a dream at times.

After a moment she pulled away slightly to observe her friend that she had not been in contact with for a while.

"What happened to you?" She whispered, referring to the scars on his face.

Xander took one of her hands in his, separating her fingers gently. It was a sweet gesture, something they did when they were young to help him or her focus on any difficult conversation.

"Just because you may think I don't exist when I am not in your physical world doesn't mean I'm not a real entity at least Dahl. When I'm not here to protect you, to help you, to comfort you. I go back to the shadow world, a void, and when you are going through issues in your life... I form scars. Depending on how much it has impacted you. As the main shadow figure in charge to protect you, our bond is just that powerful." He explained. 

The entire night Xander had explained to Dahlia what her powers are and how to control some of them up until she fell asleep.

He sighed sadly seeing the tear stains along her cheeks. He had never observed her so happy before until she had met Bucky. Never seen her so broken until Bucky. 

Xander watched over the young woman as she slept. Manipulating her dreams to something more peaceful whenever he sensed her heart rate picking up in pace.

That was the norm for Xander.

Always making sure that her escape from reality was as comfortable as possible. 

[lucy-the-cat]

Priority List (Factoring in Poll)

Rereading the Iliad - I need to get Castor and Pollux's characterizations right, which means consulting the source material. On book 17, will prob finish in a week or two (hopefully a few days so I don't have to take out a new copy bc I'm returning home).

Writing Daughter of Zeus - still stuck on chapter six, making progress. Will prob take min all summer to get the first draft out

Answering asks - I'm almost finished with my backlog from a few months ago, just need to finish the swoonworthy mareven moments one which I need my copy of book one for that I left at home . . . so finishing up with a week or two bc I go home on wednesday. I did get one long ask recently and six more asks this morning and another one as I was typing this so this is still a priority but not really one I think I have to announce

Bday present for a friend - first priority after DoZ and the Iliad bc May has hit. Back up plan is to show her what I have of my first draft of DoZ if it's not finished by her bday, might show her anyway as a bonus lol, as well as what I have of my Hera poetry collection bc she wrote me a novel for MY birthday, which is insane (affectionate). With a few notes about some of the jank in it of course. Hopefully finished on Wednesday on the ride home (several hours, I'm not driving) but you won't see it til the end of May.

Stay in the Light - May 9th maybe? May 10th? physical classes have ended, papers due on the 5th, extension potentially to 6th with missing assignments due on the 10th

Rebel's Song - next chap by May 14th prob

Blood Deep - Same, or the 21st

Iron Will - the 17th? the 28th? we'll see

Second bday present for a friend - will start on the first day of June, will move to after DoZ on June 21st. Start of a fun longfic, will prob take a while to conclude. Trust me, you'll like it

Red Ruse first draft edits - finally at a place where I might make changes, we'll see. proper update (like a new chapter) by the end of June I think.

Red Ruin chapter one - First week of July at the earliest, but it won't be posted until the whole fic is halfway done.

Blood of the Covenant chapter three - Update by early June

God's Cursed - June 7th?

renegade - finish by June 14th I think, will save for Maven's Birthday

bad ideas and champagne bottles - idk june 21st? Mareven week day 5, pretty simple

Roman Holiday - I thought I would have more trouble writing this bc of my medical issues with NSFW stuff atm, but I've been scrolling through some NSFW tags and got ~ I N S P I R A T I O N ~, and I think I can combine them with some good character moments. Posted in June, maybe even May

Solar Eclipse chapter two - low-ish on the list, also in the process of discovery writing. update July 1st? Maybe before that

Jon POVs of Canon - shaping up to be a multi part series, like 3-5 oneshots. Will post one every week of October leading up to Halloween, so starting new ones in July. Finished first one lol

another friend bday gift - part of an ongoing series, might take a lot of words lol. Finish end of June? post in August

fourth friend bday gift - non rq fandom, mythology related, will share with her in August

first new Lover's Curse chapter - Beginning of July

Newblood Queen - pains me how low this one is on the list, but you voted. July 7th? 14th?

So like 12-14 (I counted like three different numbers) updates by July 14th scattered across that many fics (a lot of them are being saved for later/or are related to originals). I think I can do this now that I have free time and less pressure. Hopefully I get more out because I want to have some long fics finished by the end of the year . . . anyway

[angst-in-space]

april '25 writing updates

words written: 10.5k

most words written in a day: 1,570

least words written in a day: 0

yearly total: 67k

projects worked on:

ya sci-fi book edits / revision planning

bsd regency au

editing ch 17 of altea rising

fics published/updated:

none

april goals:

finish ya sci-fi ch 3 edits

finish a draft of bsd regency chapter 3, and start chapter 4

finish editing & post chapter 17 of altea rising

work on matchablossom fic… finish a draft?

work a bit on arctic monster wip?

may goals:

finish revisions checklist for ya sci-fi book

go back to actually working on ya sci-fi book revisions...?

reach out to my mentor since i haven't done that in like three months oops

finish a draft of ch 4 of bsd regency fic

finish editing & post ch 17 of altea rising

work on matchablossom fic again perhaps??

apply to writer-in-residence program??

notes:

oof this month really got away from me. i mean, all things considered, i still made good progress. but... yeah, i got extremely depressed a couple weeks ago (nothing super serious lol i'm just a sensitive baby) and that really impacted my ability to write at all. but i feel a bit better now so i'm trying to get back to my various projects yaaaay.

original writing updates:

did a tiny bit of ya sci-fi book edits

worked on my big ol' revisions checklist for ya sci-fi book... basically trying to compile a list of changes i want to make based on all the feedback i've received so far. and...hooo boyyy it's a lot. but i think it will help me in the long-run, so i'm hoping to finish the list within the next couple weeks.

i hope to also really delve back into revisions since i've been neglecting that... and i made a sort of soft deadline for myself to finish this round of revisions by october.

fic updates:

wrote about 5.7k words of bsd regency fic! i think the whole thing is roughly ~35k right now so uhhh yeah. i am not even halfway through it yet, so i suspect it may exceed my estimation of being ~80k long LOL FUCK but it's ok bc i am genuinely having such a good time writing it. i finished a draft of chapter 3 in april and hope to finish chapter 4 in may. that will be the halfway point so i may start posting it in june...? we shall see haha.

worked a little on altea rising ch 17 edits... i'm almost at the end of the chapter, so i'm hoping i can finish that up and post it soon!

didn't get back to the matchablossom bedsharing fic as i'd hoped, but maybe i will this month?? I MISS THEMMM.

wellll i think that's all for now!! kinda fell off track the past few weeks but determined to get more done this month yippeeee 🫶

[staynoonaz9290]

Hello Again 🥰 My 2025 Reset

Well, for anyone reading this, I am happy to announce that I am BACK ONLINE! 🎊

(Warning: Long Post Ahead 📝)

I left back in mid-2023 and stopped posting stories for a while. Mainly this was because of:

My mental health 🙃

I got too busy 🤯

My expectations for myself were too high 😖

After being gone for over a year, I realized how much I missed sharing my writing online, and decided to give this another try! 👏🏻

My page has been under EXTREME construction 🚧 for the last few days, and here are the updates on how this blog will be structured moving forward:

My inbox will stay open for requests, however the time it takes me to get to them will vary depending on what is going on in my work/personal life. 📚

I am no longer posting any chaptered-stories/novel-length fanfictions on Tumblr; those stories will exclusively be on my AO3 page. I will post previews of each story here on Tumblr, then give the link to the story from there. As I release new stories on AO3, I will jump on Tumblr to announce this story and give updates when a new chapter has been added, along with a link. 💖 Why? One of the biggest headaches involving Tumblr was how long it took me to set up chapters. Making sure I had all the hyperlinks set up on both the masterlists and the chapters, plus keeping consistency with the tags, formatting, etc start to overwhelm me. I've also found a higher reading-rate for novel-length stories on AO3. Since AO3 is a lot easier to use for this sort of thing, I've decided to transfer my longer work over there. 🥰

I am still posting all my shorter work- including prompt fics, one-shots, and mini-series- to this blog; these will come as I write them on no particular schedule, although I expect as I get into the swing of things, I will be more motivated to post these types of things! I already have a few drafts just waiting to be edited! 🎁

I am in the process of getting things situated right now, and will begin reblogging my previous work as well as releasing my new "preview" posts with all AO3 links.

What to look for these next few months:

2 (possibly 3!) new seasons of my ✨Temptation✨ series ft. Stray Kids!

A few multi-part one-shots ft. Sunwoo and Hyunjae from The Boyz

A new, re-mastered novel I wrote long ago featuring members from Stray Kids, The Boyz, and Seventeen.

More pieces from me, including one-shots, mini-series, prompt fics, etc.

I am excited to be back online and look forward to bringing my page back to life! 🌞

[ruemilley]

thoughts on The Blog + 2024 year in reflection + next year goals

hi there, long time no talk. if you don't remember why you're following me, it's probably because i wrote a lot of mp100 fanfic like five years ago. i haven't posted much on this blog this year besides reblogging some fundraisers and i want to try and use this more. hope you're doing well!

i think i tend to be pretty precious about what i put on this blog, because in my mind i wanted it to be creative updates and art only, but more and more i realize that i really enjoy reading what artists i follow are up to and thinking about whether it's creative or not. so i want to try and post more casually too. sharing what im up to + occasional reblogs. i hope you enjoy that kind of stuff too.

i made a tag on the blog for stuff ive made called.. #stuff ive made. so it'll still be easy to find my art and writing. ill probably make a pinned post with that info in a little bit.

ok, so other orders of business, how was 2024 for me?

2024 was pretty good for me. it was not quite what i thought it would be-- i had a few different goals at the beginning of the year that i ended up shifting on. i also cannot find my new year's resolutions from last year which is surprising because i pretty much always make them.

however, i made some general accomplishments that im pretty happy with, such as:

switching from misc freelance scrambling and part time work to a 40hr/week job, with way better pay

going to water aerobics twice a week fairly consistently, which is the first time i've consistently exercised maybe ever

taking my health more seriously in general

finishing a rough draft of a comic script (which i then put aside, due to next accomplishment)

finally dipping my toes into game dev which i have always wanted to try but was always too scared to

cutting way back on social media usage and being stricter with how much time i spend on my phone

generally Putting Myself Out There more and making friends in da city

so i'm pretty pleased. however, as i think at the end of every year, i still feel my creative output is not what i wanted it to be. admittedly i did draw more than i have in a while. i worked on several projects and got a few things off the ground. but not much i feel i can share. i feel like i consistently did more, but my output was just very slow. this is partly from working on larger projects and things that are time consuming, but man, i want to prioritize this stuff more.

i also find that i am struggling a bit about what i want to be working on creatively. i have ideas but everything's a bit half formed. i think this year i've unearthed some insecurities about the quality of my work and ideas-- i think previously i just told myself that if i sat down and did stuff i would be a savant, i just hadn't gotten around to it yet. this was definitely just from a fear of failure. ok, so i did sit down and do some stuff and it was kind of just ok-- at least to me. what now?

so, i need more time to work on stuff and i need to develop my Artistic Voice or whatever. point one is a bit easier to find a solution for, even if it's scary- im planning to cut back my work hours in the new years and set aside fridays for personal project time only. this is mostly stressful because everything on earth is only getting more expensive but i think i just need to do this. if i don't i will always wonder what if.

...point two is vaguer. how do you develop an artistic vision and goal? admittedly, i think i put way too much pressure on myself to have consistent creative styles and interests. but at the same time, out of all the things i love, there has to be something im drawn to creatively, right? even if i haven't realized it yet? besides anime fanfic epics?

well, probably just in the doing things will emerge. i'll focus on that for now. this seems like a similar question to high schoolers asking how you get an Art Style, and not realizing that's just something that naturally emerges when you draw a lot. you can certainly point it in certain directions, but it won't settle and be yours unless you do it a lot.

okay, what else. i have some other personal goals i won't share here, but one more i WILL share here is i think in 2025 i really want to engage with less passive media. i love to put on a youtube video essay and play a game on my phone. lots of half attention to things that don't deserve my whole attention. i think that's ok sometimes to relax and unwind, but i feel like i missed out on so many cool stories by doing that. i feel good about this goal because it's less about Reading Twenty Five Books This Year Because That's Good For Me and more about experiencing stories because i want that.

this year i read stone butch blues and i remember thinking at the end of it, why am i not reading things like this all the time? why am i not devoting myself to experiencing beautiful works of art? why am i more likely to put on ten hour let's play of a mediocre PS2 game that no one has ever heard of than to watch a two hour classic movie that will emotionally resonate and maybe change my life?

...well, it's partially because that gets emotionally exhausting. it's ok to chill out some. but i don't want to pacify myself all the time. i need to think about how to make this a Measurable Goal or whatever, but i'm excited about it.

i think that's all i will put here. i hope you have a good new year's and that 2024 wasn't too painful for you. i feel as though most of the internet was cruel and disheartening this year- endless windows into the worst of humanity. things that were painful to read, while also knowing they would be thousand and thousands time worse to experience. even so, i saw a lot of kindness too-- people reaching out to help, and the generosity of my friends and family. i hope you saw some of that too. here's to 2025.

[unolvrs]

UPCOMING WORKS? PLEASE? IF THERE AREN'T ANY, IT'S OKAY TOO!

uhh, there are both upcoming works and upcoming updates! i have sneak peeks for each one! but here they are:

少年A　（jjk ft. male!reader; possibly megumi/reader）

In a remote village in Sapporo, a thirteen-year-old first year student in an unnamed junior high school allegedly killed three classmates known to bully his best friend who they had driven to suicide. (Or, none of that is true.)

少年A (or: Boy A) was initially made as an OC out of nowhere. i shared him to a few friends before i realized that the set-up of him being nameless and just being called 'Boy A' was perfect for a reader-insert. and before i knew it, i was already writing everything down and it was really, really fun. the term 「少年A」 is something akin to 'John Doe' and it's mostly a name used to minors involved in a crime. there are lots of criminal 「少年A」 in japan so if you want to read about them, i'd give you a big trigger warning because the most well-known 「少年A」 was involved a horrific case.

2. among dawn flowers (the face of god), an extra chapter

i always get notifications about comments concerning dawn flowers and i've read all of them. thank you for your very kind words! they make me feel very happy every time i read them :D i'll be replying to them soon. but the most common comment is about gojō's... well, reaction to everything and what he truly felt for the main character, and there were a couple of misunderstandings in the comments too. i would normally just leave the misunderstandings be to let people have their own interpretation but i've been getting lots of comments and DMs about dawn flowers all the time, so this extra chapter happened. it has the following AUs too:

zen'in naoya marries tengai-san instead

tengai-san survives

tōji snatches up tengai-san (not at all romantic but a found family of sorts because their dynamics are really interesting! because they're the people who neither needs the least!)

and idk, maybe some more? i'll be reading through the comments again!

3. kirigakure-centric naruto fic

“Kirigakure didn’t need help. They needed salvation.”  No one knows anything about the Mizukage. Only that she’s kind. She likes to smile. She likes seafood like every other Mizu-born. And that there’s something inexplicably wrong with her. There’s something wrong with the Mizukage whom the Kiri-nin call a ‘god’. —or, Wataru Wataru was never really a powerhouse, in this life or the last, but she’s resourceful. She knows cults, pyramid schemes, and corrupt politicians like the back of her hand, so of course, she becomes the Mizukage and becomes a god along the way.

it's highlighted because it's undergoing editing... but yes, the mizukage cultist fic that i was talking about a month ago. it currently has four chapters in my drafts. i'm testing the waters on whether or not i can maintain it. so far, i have everything planned... like the timeline... it's too detailed.

4. shintō pjo fic

Beyond the eastern seas, Sen'no Hyōran wages a one-man war. (Or, if all she needs is the Golden Fleece, if all she needs is to steal that damned thing, then she will. Those Greeks standing in her way or not.)

YES IT'S HAPPENING OK!

of course, there's also the writing of kill the goose (3 chapters in my drafts now!), rain on my parade (a very slow rewriting), sunday without god (i wrote the next chapter and it was too long like 8k words and i'm not even halfway done so i'm stuck)! and posting some comm'd works that have been rotting in my drive for months!

some possible fics but no promises:

floating blue (nanami/reader)

Aoi's josei romance manga life starts when she's saved by Nanami Kento after almost falling down the train tracks! (Or, it turns out that Aoi is the main character of a supernatural josei manga! She's so excited!)

starts off as a cliché josei manga set-up bc aoi is a josei manga protagonist! then turns deep :D might become a reader-insert instead but without the [name] insert things. just second pov. this was really meant to be a rom-com than a sudden "omg! i'm in a supernatural josei manga!" might write bc it's a cute concept.

the prostitution of learning (jjk & male!oc)

There is no other main character but Kikuchi Eita. (Or, defeating enemies, exorcizing Curses, facing conservative higher-ups, there’s no adversity that Kikuchi Eita cannot push through because Kikuchi Eita is the main character. That is until Itadori Yūji.)

i made this guy before 少年A and while eita is my favorite oc i've ever created in jjk, 少年A's story is easier to write. but the prostitution of learning is a bit more complicated even just with eita's planned CT and while i'd love nothing more than to write this one, idk if i'd have the time but i really want to!

willow diaries / 柳日記 (kakashi/oc)

Kakashi gets a nobleman's concubine pregnant. Whoops. (Or, I no Yanagihaya's honorable brother-in-law said to surprise him. She did.)

first of all, it's not cheating or infidelity. said nobleman is dead. anyway, i think this is the most likely to be written bc i've written the first chapter a hundred times but couldn't get satisfied. anyway, this one's fun. and i love civilian ocs! especially writing nobility. the research was a pain but i loooove this one.

pls... don't ask me about frog in a well :"") i'm working on it! idk, froggie's become that weird cousin idk if i wanna talk to or not. it's awkward between the two of us right now bc ik i could start writing the chapter anytime and get it done and over it quickly but i've been lazy and focusing on other stuff hehe &lt;3

[bellaleighwrites]

Writeblr Intro

General Info

Hello! My name is Isabella. I'm in my 40s (a sentence that I'm going to have to change in 13.5 months, but leaving it for now). I've been writing for as long as I can remember. We won't talk about most of my early attempts. I could probably recreate the story I wrote in 7th grade word for word if I wanted to. But, the only reason to do that would be to torture somebody with it. And I don't have anybody I dislike enough to make them read that thing. Same as any of the poetry I wrote during my poetry phase in junior high and high school.

Currently, I work at the service desk in a grocery store. It's great for people watching. Of course, it's also good for making me want to never leave my house and not have to deal with people ever again. If I could get my ADHD brain to work long enough to look into classes, I really want to go into accounting or bookkeeping. The morning bookwork is my favorite part of my job honestly (other than most of my coworkers. I DO like them). I'm the oldest of 4 girls (though, technically one of them is actually a sister from another mister. But, her kids call me and my other sisters "aunt" and my parents "grandma and grandpa" so she still counts.) and have TEN niblings ranging in age from 19 down to almost 8. I think. I tend to lose track of the younger ones.

Anyway! On to my writing! Which is honestly the most interesting thing about me, anyway.

I am in the process of revising my first novel. It's an Urban Fantasy about a vampire who is trying to protect his girlfriend in a world going increasingly mad. He has reason to believe that his Sire is in town and gunning for his friends. He's been informed by the local seer that he will somehow be instrumental in preventing the end of the world. There is apparently a Necromancer loose in the city - and when you and most of your friends are dead, that is a bit concerning. And the firestarting abilities he thought he lost when he was turned have returned, and after 275 years of being dormant they're out of control. This is the first in a series. The book doesn't have a title yet, but the series is called The Vampires of Sangue Collina. Any posts about it will be tagged with #Sangue Collina.

I am also writing the first draft of a Historical Romance. a Regency-era second chance romance. Four years ago, Evelyn and Lucas fell in love. But, her stepfather intended to marry her to the son of an associate of his, using her dowry to pay off a gambling debt. Evelyn takes one night for herself and sleeps with Lucas before running away. Four years later, Lucas has a bad riding accident and in his moments of semi-lucidity the only coherent thing he can say is Evelyn’s name. So, his older brother tracks her down. When he finds her, he also discovers that she has had Lucas’s baby. He drags them both back to London. When Lucas finally actually wakes up and finds out about their child - and about the fact that her stepfather is still looking for her - he realizes the only way to protect them is to marry her. Of course he kind of hates her for what she did, and never mind her reasons. I'm 12 scenes in and really like most of what I have, even though I know that it DOES need a lot of work. I'm probably going to have to add in some flashbacks or something. Because the 12th scene is literally the first time Evelyn and Lucas see each other, and they don't have a proper conversation until the next scene. I need to do something about that. But, that is future me's problem. The tags for that are #You're still the one and #ysto.

And then there's my fanfiction. I write Bridgerton. Mostly Kate and Anthony. And it would take way too long to talk about all of my fics on here. I'll be posting later to talk about all of them. And with links to everything.

Anyway! I intend to post writing updates and snippets on here. I'll also be reblogging writing advice and I want to get better about reblogging other people's writing.

I am especially looking for fellow romance writers. Bonus if you also write historical romance. Much as I love my mutuals, it would be great to find people I can talk to about the specifics of my genre.

[fallen-in-dreams]

CHAPTER ELEVEN on AO3.

Chapters on Tumblr: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Pairing: Gaara/Sakura.

Summary: Her descent into madness came after her friends were all dead and before she was sold off like livestock. To him. He knew a thing or two about madness. And there was peace to be found in the violence of that madness. Even if only for a time. Canon divergence AU.

Rated: Mature.

Chapter word count: 11,885.

Status: Ongoing.

Reminder: the tags/warnings are important.

Warnings: dark themes. Arranged marriage (not what you think). Eventual smut (level and degree of that warning being necessary is subjective). Death. Suicide talk. Self-harm. PTSD – expect some well-known symptoms and some not well-known ones. Please don’t read if you’re triggered by psychological &/or emotional-related trauma and effects.

.

Hiya. Hope you're all doing well. :) So, I'm back. And this story is almost done. But I won't be updating every week - it'll be more like 1 or 2 weeks. The reason:

Sometimes chapters just want to get longer and longer and we really have no choice in the matter.

Unlike the last time I wrote out a fic in draft form then posted each chapter a week apart as I edited them, this story is trying to drive me crazy. 4k chapters turned into 6-9k and now THIS chapter is 11k. My editing process is squeezing that number count for all it's worth and it became so much of a chore. I really needed that New Year's break. So yeah, I'm going to slow it down a LITTLE bit. So I don't let it annoy me too much.

And I hope each and every one of you will join me for the rest of the ride. I can't wait to see what you guys think about what's coming. Cheers. :)

Enjoy. ^_^

Tumblr version:

… Chapter Eleven: To Kiss or Not to Kiss. ...

.:.

Oh love, believe me, Nothing ever comes to us easy, The river's never run up to meet me, Gotta find your own way down

-- Oh Love, by Phildel

.:.

How am I supposed to face her now?

Gaara stopped trying to figure women out a long time ago.

His argument with Sakura Haruno that morning weighed heavily on him all day. Whenever Gaara found a quiet moment or his mind would wander, images of pure fury and betrayal hounded him. Her pretty face screwed up in indignation and misery. He couldn’t get over the fact that Sakura had truly thought he was wilfully keeping her from her friends. It was just for a few moments but the level of pain that vibrated through her body still scared him.

Hours later.

Like so much about her already does.

So, he stewed in self-doubt all day, moving on autopilot as he went from council meetings to the lonely hours stuck working through tedious mission reports and high-level security reviews. Councillor Tōjūrō wanted this. Councillor Sajō insisted on that. And Councillor Ebizō inquired about their mutual concerns, via the not-so-silent Anbu they both trusted.

Gaara was beyond relieved when the working day ended, and he was able to leave. Most days, he stayed until late, and other times he simply took his work home. It had not escaped his notice that he worked too much. But what else was there? All he had outside of work were his siblings, and they had their own lives to deal with. So, most of the time, he had no-one.

And now her.

“Sakura!” Temari’s voice interrupted his thoughts as she called up to their house guest. “Dinner’s ready!”

Gaara clasped his hands together to hide the trembling of his fingers when Sakura finally descended the internal staircase for dinner. He forced himself to blink heavily to keep his vision from zoning out. Nerves and anticipation like he’d never felt before plagued him. It took all his willpower to keep from groaning in frustration at the strange feelings.

He watched pensively as Sakura sat down delicately. Swallowing heavily.

Sakura Haruno.

Gaara couldn’t keep his eyes to himself.

“Date her, talk to her, and try to figure out how we can help her in the meantime.”

Ideas began to swirl in his mind. Possibilities.

As the culinary genius of the family, Kankuro had cooked another magnificent meal. He was still in the kitchen, putting on the final touches as Temari started talking about how her own day had been. Since her decision to stay in the village she’d taken over the management of the guards and patrols of the village. Gaara didn’t know if she was trying to improve it or just scare them into line. Regardless, she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so he gave her free reign to do (almost) whatever she wanted to them.

Temari stood to help Kankuro lay the food on the table. Sakura was staring at a spot close to the internal staircase, her fingers drumming softly on the table.

“Go get that date organised.”

Planning outings was not his thing. He’d never asked anyone on a date before. Expectation hung in the air.

“Let’s eat!” Kankuro yelled.

Dinner had always been a stiff but amicable affair. Every night, they’d sit around the main dining table to partake in one of Kankuro’s chef-level delights, talk would be minimal because they’d be enjoying the food too much to ruin the moment. But inevitably, someone would say something pointedly, and a casual, intermittent conversation would take place. Before Temari’s return, conversation would be carried by Kankuro’s attempts to make Sakura feel welcomed, strained as they were. Gaara would interject when he felt it necessary, with the occasional input from Sakura when addressed directly.

Since Temari’s return, his sister had not just driven the conversation, but wrenched it sideways and taken complete control of the reins. He wondered if was solely because of Sakura’s presence or a familiarity due to her connections to Temari’s former lover. Which begged the question of how much the pinkette knew about his fate.

Gaara gave a deep sigh that did not go unnoticed by the room at large. It all came down to lovers and friends and family, in the end. They were what truly mattered. Sakura coughed lightly and he glanced at her. Conversation would normally pick up at this point, but the air was unusually tense. He blamed himself.

Gaara hadn’t meant to hurt her by keeping the knowledge of her former allies from her. It hadn’t been vindictive. He just did not know where they were. He had his theories, of course, but nothing solid enough to act on. And this bothered him more than he could admit.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Or rather, Temari and Kankuro did, though they both paused a few times to glance at each other, like they were planning something. Temari had shifted to the edge of the seat, an eager look on her face. Sakura was pushing her food around on the plate, not eating. Like himself. Gaara had only taken a few bites before realising he wasn’t even hungry. And Kankuro was digging in, with gusto.

When Temari broke the silence, Gaara was grateful. For all of five seconds. Then he conjured a mental image of his hands strangling her.

“So…” She looked between Gaara and Sakura as she spoke. “It turns out one of the council members is a traitor, likely in cahoots with Danzo.”

Gaara glared at her. You did that on purpose.

She shrugged her shoulders with an air of indifference that he didn’t buy for a second. She’d been trying to convince him to let Sakura in on his ultimate plans for the Leaf Resistance, the future of Suna, and this Cold War. His sister wanted too much. He told her so. He’d been telling her so. But now, the decision was out of his hands. Sakura wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass. Kankuro put his cutlery down and leaned back, watching quietly. Amusement and curiosity danced in his eyes. Gaara could almost hear him thinking, well this should be interesting.

Sakura stopped playing with her food and looked up at Temari after side eyeing Gaara. He braced himself.

“How do you know there’s a traitor?”

“Through Lord Ebizō,” Temari said without hesitation. “Apparently, he’s been working with Gaara here.” She pointed her thumb at him as he scowled back at her. “They’ve found–”

“Temari.”

Kankuro made a soft sound the was halfway between a scoffed and snicker. Nobody paid him any mind.

Gaara glared at his sister. “She doesn’t need to know.”

She won’t be able to handle it, went unsaid.

He was aware of the insult to her person, but he couldn’t help himself. Kazekage or not, Sakura was under his care. She wasn’t one of his ninja. She was in no way his subordinate. Or professional equal. And as such, she was not to be privy to sensitive village information. He could not take responsibility for that. It was enough that he’d given Temari and Kankuro the highest security clearance legally possible for them simply because they were family. And the fact that they could handle it was beside the point.

This wasn’t a matter of trust. Sakura just wasn’t like them. Not anymore.

The pinkette scowled at him. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Gaara sat up straighter. He matched her glare with one of his own. It was to be a battle of the wills, then.

.:.

Sakura did not pull her eyes from Gaara while Temari continued as though she hadn’t been interrupted.

“As you would know, communications between different Kage are always done in code or with a Kage-only sealing jutsu.”

Sakura nodded still staring at the Kazekage. She’d seen Tsunade pen letters to other Kage numerous times in both ways. Shizune had been a pro at transcribing the Hokage’s frustrated and eye-twitching candour to something more diplomatic. Sakura had never quite mastered that skill. Where Shizune excelled, Sakura fell behind. Where Sakura shined, Shizune’s skills were lacking. In that way, they’d complimented each other as Tsunade’s most trusted aides.

“Well,” Kankuro added, breaking his own silence. “Lord Ebizō came to Gaara with copies of transcribed missives that had deletion points in them.”

Sakura nodded again. A deletion point was exactly as it sounded. Information that was sent to Danzo must have been deleted at Suna’s end but not Konoha’s. It was off the record information. The only legitimate reason to delete parts of a message on the official, final copy, was for Kage level reasons. And this was clearly a deletion that Gaara had been unaware of.

What it even meant, she couldn’t say. But there was another problem.

“How…” she started softly, fighting to keep her staring match with the redhead. “How did he find it?”

It was a dangerous thing to do, but also difficult to detect. One might say damn near impossible, considering they shouldn’t have a reason for even looking for it. And whomever discovered the deletion point would have to be exceptionally skilled at Cryptanalysis. At the very least. Had it been Ebizō himself?

Temari answered her unasked question. “A new jounin found it. He wasn’t supposed to be there, apparently. Was just covering a shift for a friend. He’s listed primarily as a sensor ninja but apparently started his prior chunin career as a Cryptanalysis specialist.”

Sakura nodded again, finally understanding. “Lucky.”

“Yes. But unfortunately, he couldn’t tell who made the deletions.”

Of course. Sakura would be surprised if he had. So, this jounin had gone to Ebizō instead of the Kazekage? Maybe because it had been a Kage level security issue, he’d instead gone to the only person whose reputation was both impeccable as well as unquestionable.

“But how does that mean a council member did it?” Was she missing something?

It was Kankuro’s turn to answer. “Nobody in this room but Gaara could do it and we know he didn’t. The next line of suspects are the senior members of the council. Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō are the senior advisors who legally have access to Kage level information. Officially, anyway.”

Because of course the Kazekage reserves the right to not inform them of anything if he doesn’t want to.

“How senior is Ebizō?”

“He leads the council.”

Sakura blinked heavily. So, it could’ve been Ebizō but wasn’t, because he brought it to Gaara’s attention. So, he was the only one they could trust. Almost as though this whole thing was a test that Gaara had set up to suss out the reliability of his subordinates. Except that he couldn’t have predicted this jounin’s inclusion. It would’ve been a piss poor test if nobody found it.

Sakura tapped her chin staring back into Gaara’s seafoam eyes with something akin to calmness. Almost like she was a real person having a legitimate conversation.

Well, look at me, acting like a normal, functioning person. What would my mirror image hallucination think about that?

“Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō.”

She didn’t know anything about Ryūsa beyond some murmuring that he might lead the council one day. Tōjūrō was a complete mystery. But Sajō? Oh, Councillor Sajō she knew. That was a face she’d never forget, the arrogant, pompous, prick. She had fantasies about strangling him with his own intestines on a daily basis. If she could, she would.

Her eyes drifted as Sakura imagined, once again, the choking sounds of the older man as she throttled him. It took a few more seconds and a clearing of Gaara’s throat before she scowled, realising what had just happened. In her distraction, she’d accidentally broke eye contact with him. When she looked back at him, the Kazekage was looking smug.

Shit.

.:.

Gaara couldn’t contain his smirk as Sakura broke their staring contest. Something clunking around in her brain had distracted her.

Good.

“Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō.” Sakura mumbled to herself once more, angling her body away from Gaara and his gaze. He kept watching, his face falling into a frown as she ignored him.

“It has to be Sajō,” she said.

“Why?” Temari asked.

Sakura pulled a face. “I’ve had the unfortunate displeasure of being hounded by him. He’s an arsehole.”

“His personality is not evidence,” Gaara intervened, and she glared at him before turning away again.

Sakura pursed her lips. “I know it’s him.”

“Okay.” His brother was driving Gaara crazy. Temari added to the frustration by echoing his words.

He couldn’t sit here and allow this anymore. “No,” he said.

Sakura clenched her fists, her eyes darting over to the corner of the room; she’d jumped slightly, but there was nothing there to startle her. Sometimes, Gaara wondered about that. Hallucinations.

“This isn’t up for discussion,” he said.

It was a wonder his sanity was still intact, dealing with her. She slammed her fists down on the table, dislodging silverware and making his siblings jump out of their skins, but not so hard as to damage the structural integrity of the furniture.

“You promised,” she said scathingly, glaring openly at him, and he was reminded of their argument that morning. “You said you would tell me–”

“I said that we’ll talk later,” he corrected her.

“About the Leaf Resistance!” She yelled and Temari and Kankuro’s heads whipped towards Gaara. He could feel their confusion and surprise but ignored them. “About what you’re doing! You said we should talk. We need to talk. So, let’s talk damn it!”

“This cipher talk isn’t about the Resistance,” he growled. “Nor is the traitor councillor.”

“Do you know that for sure?” She snapped. “Or are you just presuming? What if it’s all connected, Gaara? What if none of it is a coincidence?” She was on a roll now, taking a deep breath before charging into her new hypothesis with gusto. “Danzo doesn’t want a strong alliance with Suna, and we all know it. I’m not actually here to marry you! What if my mission is part of a larger plan? Sending a Root member with me when those tiny little fucking bastards are not actually trained in diplomacy? You have to admit that’s suspicious! So, what if his connection with this traitor has something to do with the Resistance? Or to undermine Suna because he already has a highly connected ally within your walls! What if it’s all connected? Did you ever stop to think about that?”

Gaara blinked heavily at her. Her deduction was quite the stretch. But crazier things had happened and he couldn’t think of a valid counter point, so he would be remiss to completely rule it out. He sighed. But this wasn’t the place to discuss this.

“I can help,” she said, her voice suddenly soft. He didn’t respond. “He won’t expect anything from me.”

“We don’t even know it’s him,” Gaara said. He was fighting with himself as much as her. He didn’t want to push her out of this, but it was political. And she wasn’t a Suna native. It wouldn’t be treason, but it would be dangerous. For both of them.

Maybe I’m overreacting.

He had no clue. Sakura’s face scrunched up as though she was in pain and her head dipped. She closed her eyes and he imagined she was struggling to calm herself. Was she having a panic attack? Gaara felt a similar spasm grasp his chest at the thought of having done this to her.

I can’t do anything right, with her.

She stood up abruptly, not looking at anyone. Her hands were balled into fists and Gaara’s stomach clenched painfully. Guilt. He felt the urge to say something, anything, to keep her from leaving this room angry. But nothing came to mind. He sat there, with his mouth slightly agape, unable to say the things she needed to hear.

Why?

There was a war in Gaara’s heart. The urge to protect her. The urge to respect her desire to participate. The urge to keep her far from the machinations of the evil of this world. He felt like he was being torn in too many different directions. But he knew that above all, he was being incredibly selfish.

With no regard for her uneaten dinner, Sakura stormed out.

He couldn’t release the groan that threatened to bubble up his throat. Gaara remembered he still had an audience and turned his head minutely to glance at them. Temari was frowning at him, her fingers tapping the table soundlessly. Kankuro was shaking his head, his lips twisted in barely controlled irritation. Gaara let that effervescent groan escape his mouth. He was an arsehole. He knew it. Because his siblings had never looked at him with so much disappointment before. Even when he let a demon out to play havoc on their village as a blood thirsty child.

.:.

When will I ever learn?

She was too emotional. Always had been. Weak. Pathetic. Emotional little girl. Expected too much of others. Presumed too much of herself. Stupid.

Sakura stormed up the internal staircase and slammed her bedroom door closed. She didn’t stop there, grabbing the cactus Matsuri and Yukata had given her (what else did she have?) and throwing it against the wall. Not the back of the door. No, not the chronicle of her timeline in Suna.

Soil spilled onto the floor, but the succulent remained firmly in the pot. The hardy bastard.

She let out a long-winded, slightly high-pitched groan. One minute Gaara was open and treating her like a human being and the next, looking down on her and breaking his promises. She felt so childish, but Sakura didn’t care. She wanted to rage and yell and pound some faces into the ground. She let her anger broil and seethe as she turned and threw herself at the bed. Head in the middle and feet dangling over the edge, she screamed into the blanket for all she was worth.

Which isn’t much, let’s be honest.

It was best to muffle her more violent urges. Noisy. Yes. The last thing she wanted was for someone to hear her screaming and to come running. If they would even. She scoffed. Sakura groaned, then rolled onto her back, grabbed the pillow, and attempted to suffocate herself. It wouldn’t be the first attempt since her arrival at Suna.

Who am I kidding?

She wasn’t trying to do anything to herself.

Sakura gripped the pillow harder, closed her eyes tightly and then screamed again. The muffled sound only made her ears pop. She sighed and sat up wearily. She needed to stop doing this to herself. After so long alone, Sakura had started to think she was a part of something. Maybe something special. Probably just something not toxic. Not dangerous. Kankuro was personable. Temari seemed genuinely happy to see her. But Gaara… fuck, she had to stop wanting more from him.

She shook herself and stood up as the mirage floated into the room, through that blasted window. Sakura’s heart raced and she shivered. Had the temperature dropped suddenly or was she just feeling the aftereffects of her panic attack? She watched as the mirage as it turned on the spot and seemed to only just notice her, glowering now.

“I hate you,” she said with conviction. I really do.

“You brought this on yourself,” it replied.

“Shut up.”

Its smile was cruel. Sakura closed her eyes and sat back down on the bed; hands fisted on her thighs.

“He doesn’t care about you.”

“Go away.”

“You’re useless to him.”

She wanted to cry. A choked sob escaped her before she could stop it. No. She was in control of this. Sakura threw her pillow at the mirage. And of course it sailed right through that smug, broken, and bloodied face. It was happy and angry at the same time. How could something that wasn’t even real hold any emotions at all?

“Are you even trying to escape this stupid hell hole?”

No, apparently Sakura had completely forgotten she wanted out of Suna. How long had it been? She paused in her internal debate to glance at the back of her bedroom door.

Twenty-five days so far.

“Ugh.”

Between wanting in on Gaara’s schemes and her ink creatures, Sakura still had no idea what she was doing. Her creations had scouted the village outskirts and even memorised the guard positions and patrol routes. There was no predictability to times, but the places were all the same. It was something to work with, at least. But it was getting her nowhere.

Twenty-five days and all she’d accomplished was making a fool of herself in front of everyone.

Gaara didn’t want her help. Her creatures had probably escaped this hell hole, leaving her behind. There was nothing to do. Nothing but sit in her room like a good girl and wait out whatever plan Gaara and his siblings had. Once the traitor had been identified and proven they could then tackle the political mess Danzo had Suna entrenched in. And Sakura would be free.

And this time I’ll run.

She’d kill the Root shadow and run. Sakura grasped at her chest, grinning despite the hole in her heart. She didn’t notice the single tear at first. It contained all her hopes for being human again. She wiped at it, not sure what to think of it. But she was spared that particular, repetitive self-flagellation at the abrupt sound of a hiss. She started, spinning around quickly. Her kunai was still in the hole in the windowsill. Conveniently between her and the source of the disturbance.

I really need a better hiding place.

Or multiple kunai dipped in poison. Yes, that would be better. More kunai, more targets. She smiled ruefully at that, her focus snapping to the window. She breathed a sigh of relief when there was no attack but rather the shadows of familiar shapes.

They’re finally back.

The ink creatures. The vulture-like bird and viper shaped snake. They slid into the room through the open window, moving in tandem. Between the two of them they had a death grip on something. Something distinctly snake-shaped and presumably dead. A wide grin spread over her face, and they halted their movements.

“Yes,” she hissed. She inched toward them as the ink bird hopped impatiently, releasing its own grip. When she touched the real snake softly, the ink snake twisted its body, tightening its hold on the carcass. The snake was indeed dead. She sighed, relieved. That would make this much easier. The chemical make-up of venom did not change after the snake died. So, theoretically, she should be able to extract the venom and use it, no problem.

Sakura vividly remembered a description of the milking process from a snake husbandry book during her genin days in Konoha.

Press down on the back of the snake’s head after it bites the container. The fangs will drip out venom for at least fifteen to twenty seconds.

Those instructions had been for a live snake. She cocked her head at the dead one as it was still being half-heartedly strangled by living ink, at her feet. Well, hopefully its deceased status wouldn’t make a difference other than ease of access. Hopefully.

Do I do this now?

Normally, she’d wait for the other occupants of the household to go to bed before doing something she didn’t want to be walked in on doing. Right now, standing, staring, and contemplating her sanity carried a high risk of interruption.

Sakura glanced up at the clock. She’d only been back in the room for almost two minutes. It felt far longer. She sighed, resigned, and shooed her hand at the ink creatures. Trying to corral cats would be easier. They just sat and stared at her. Or rather, the snake remained motionless except for the occasional tightening of its possessive grip and the bird cocked its head at her. Much like she’d done a moment ago. Not that it made a difference if they suddenly started towards the bathroom or something, to keep out of sight. And this whole thing would be far safer if she waited, anyway. She’d already been waiting two days for their return to begin, what was a few more hours?

Still feels like I’ve been pacing impatiently for far longer.

She sat on the edge of her bed and closed her eyes. Her emotions had settled. She felt so drained. But not exhausted. There was an old meditation technique that Lady Tsunade had taught her, and she was just scooting back further onto the bed to try it when Sakura paused, startled by the sudden rush of chakra.

Gaara’s chakra.

Gaara’s knock on her door.

“Is he here to apologise?” She’d forgotten about the mirage. Its singsong, mocking voice floated over to her. “I don’t think so.”

She inhaled deeply, unable to stop the sudden hiccupping sob that sounded from her mouth. All the anger and fear and feelings of resentment and abandonment that had just disappeared, all the tension in her body, suddenly returned with a vengeance. How could one person, so innately collected and calm, invoke such a raging storm inside her? She hated it. And right now, she hated him.

“Stop lying.”

Go away.

He wasn’t going away.

Fuck the mirage. She wanted Gaara to leave her alone. But she also wanted him to persist. To show her she was worth the effort. That he cared. Sakura wiped at her tears and attempted to make her face look presentable. Maybe he would give up. In that case the only person who would see her tears was herself.

He knocked again.

“Sakura?” That deep, soft voice. Gods.

What is he doing to me?

.:.

Moonlight filtered in through her window as Sakura stared at the door. The ink creatures twittered and hissed, respectively, nearby and she wasn’t ready for Gaara to see them.

“Think he’ll actually call you crazy this time?”

Maybe. The mirage grinned at her thought.

“Sakura?”

Right, he was still outside her room. She fought the urge to flee. It had been her default state since arriving in Suna and it was beyond exhausting.

And embarrassing.

She glanced at the snake and bird before slowly opening the door half a foot and holding tightly to the frame to keep him from pushing it open. If he had such a notion. Sakura forced herself to look him in the eye.

The shame. His face was full of it.

“Hi.”

He nodded but before Gaara could respond, Sakura moved forward, placing a trembling hand on his chest, keeping her eyes on his. Pale green irises widened but he didn’t complain. Feeling more confident, Sakura pushed him gently and closed the door behind herself. In the hallway. Alone. Together. Her other hand found its way to his chest and Sakura felt his heart beat a little faster under her fingertips.

“It’s a nice night,” she said, her voice low and strong. Maybe. She had no idea. It just had to be strong enough to project confidence. Conviction she missed about her past herself. She was trying, really. “Let’s go to the roof.”

His eyes searched hers wordlessly, clearly trying to figure out what her plan was. What she was thinking. Why she was thinking it. Maybe even if she was trying to trick him. He’d deserve it, after that display during dinner, but Sakura tried for her most saccharine smile.

Seemingly convinced, he slipped his right arm around her waist and pulled her gently toward him, flush against his body. Sand whipped up around them and she couldn’t stop the light gasp for the life of her. Steeling herself, Sakura gripped harder to him as they disappeared from the hallway outside her bedroom and her centre of gravity shifted and they reappeared on the roof of the Kazekage mansion.

The cold night air hit her first. She shivered but didn’t complain. She expected Gaara to pull away immediately but his hold on her remained firm. Almost like it was his apology. Or he was working up to one. Sakura waited. And glanced around, remembering that the Root shadow would be able to see them from the outside, on the roof, even if he couldn’t hear them.

She could imagine that freak’s reaction if he was watching right now. Sakura remembered, one of the few times the masked man hadn’t berated her on their three-day journey to Suna he’d gone over her expectations on this mission. He’d expected her to lull Gaara into a false sense of security. To take advantage of him. To play the part of a girl being sold off.

Use your assets, he’d said, leering at her. It’s not like you haven’t done this before.

Danzo had not ordered her to sleep with, let alone woo Gaara, specifically. But it was in every look he’d given her before sending her off. It was in between every line in the official papers for this mission. Of course, she’d ignored it. Sakura hadn’t planned to be here this long. But here she was, with Gaara’s arm around her, and all Sakura could think of was that, technically, this was supposed to be a seduction mission. She hadn’t foreseen viewing Gaara as a sexual being. It had snuck up on her, now painfully obvious. Sakura knew it before but a part of her had also denied it, but it was true. There was no going back now. She wanted him.

Desperately.

But she was done hoping he would start anything. Gaara wasn’t like that.

Sakura started as his left arm came around to embrace her. His chin resting on top of her head, and he let out a soft sigh. It made her body tremble in response, and she wondered what he was trying to do if not turn her on. This was out of character for him. As far as she could tell. She inhaled deeply. And he needed to stop smelling so good too.

Because it’s hot as fuck.

She wanted to dominate him. The feeling wasn’t new to her but the chance to be the one in control, was. All she’d ever done is exude a fake version of confidence. Sex was methodical. A tool. To her, at least. And here was Gaara, making her want something else. Something more.

But how am I supposed to get that?

She had no idea how to instigate this. Reluctantly, Sakura released her hold on Gaara and after a few moments of what seemed like internal contemplation, he uncoiled his arms, removing them from her hips gently. Always the gentleman. Never the paramour. She cleared her throat and took a step backwards.

He wouldn’t want me that way, anyway.

She needed to get this under control. This level of intensity wasn’t natural for her. It had to be a side effect of either the prazosin drug she was taking or her anxiety. Post Traumatic Distress Disorder. She wasn’t so stupid as to presume she’d survived the last few years with her sanity intact. And it would explain so much.

“I’m sorry.”

Sakura’s jaw dropped at Gaara’s words. He was sorry. She blinked stupidly at him.

“For everything,” he said.

She nodded slowly, licking her lips absentmindedly. Yes, he’d been an arse. She could accept this. She stared at him for a moment, contemplating how to go about the discussion she wanted to have with him. He kept eye contact, obviously content with waiting for her input. She tried to smile but her lips quivered.

Sakura sighed.

“Councillor Sajō. He came to a few of the wedding planning sessions,” she said, deciding on a change of topic. “He was abrupt but otherwise respectful to the other ladies. But he kept glancing at me.” She shuddered at the memory. “He didn’t like what he saw. And he hates me. I know it’s not a lot to go on,” she added. “I’m sorry I was so pushy and defensive about it.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Sakura didn’t think he had anything to base that on. Sometimes she thought he had a secret file that occasionally leaked information about her to him, in minute amounts; just enough for him to get glimpses into her psyche, but not enough for a deep dive. Enough for his pity to sting her. To burn. And enough for him to think her some kind of helpless victim.

She stood straighter, shoulders pushed back, and chin raised. Sakura had never been good at hiding her feelings, even after the Root commanded that had trained her in the early days of Danzo’s reign got tired of her lack of control. The man had very little patience for emotional outbursts. He could teach her all manner of underhanded jutsu and Root-based tactics but mental conditioning to suppress her emotions? She was never going to master that. Not to his satisfaction, anyway. There was no seal on her tongue. Danzo didn’t stick needles in her eyes and brainwash her. No, he just had his subordinates torture her. Poke her full of holes. Heal her. Fry her. Rinse and repeat. She was fun to play with, apparently. Even more so than some others because an unwilling servant could scream the loudest.

“The council has always been difficult,” Gaara interrupted her thoughts, running a hand through his hair distractedly. He looked past her, as though someone had appeared suddenly, and she had to refrain from turning to look. But there had to be nobody there because his demeanour didn’t change. “They do like to make up their own rules sometimes.”

“I can believe that. Especially after that councillor started having me followed.”

Sakura was adamant that Sajō had. The Root shadow never seemed bothered by it. He’d even laughed a few times when she’d stopped on her way back to the Kazekage’s mansion, sensing the darkening presence behind her. Escorted by Matsuri and Yukata, she was shielded by their presence. Their limited protection. But the moment she strayed again; Sakura knew all bets would be off.

And who knows what Sajō is actually willing to throw down?

Would he have her cornered and interrogated? Would he stoop to physically attacking her? Maybe an attack like that would-be-assassin? He was making sure she stayed in line. After their run-in at the council building, she showed herself to be a loose cannon. And if Sajō was in league with Danzo, then it was likely the Root shadow would help him.

She explained all of this to Gaara, leaving out how her contemplation on how far Sajō would go intrigued her. If the old man gave her a reason to fight back, she would. Gaara frowned, concern marring his features.

“It has to be him,” she said.

“It’s at least a place to start,” he agreed.

Sakura smiled widely at him, warmth spreading over her face. Was she blushing? But hope had burgeoned in her chest, and she didn’t care, either way. His eyes softened as he stared back at her, and she had to push down the sudden urge to throw her arms around him.

“I can help,” she said. It wasn’t meant as a reprimand, but Gaara’s face shifted into stony seriousness.

“I know,” he said, his voice low and ashamed. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She nodded. “You know… I can handle myself.”

“I know–”

“I just…”

Sakura glanced around the rooftop, remembering another night when he’d followed her up here and she’d killed a masked assassin. It felt like years had passed since then. Being here for the first time since then brought it all back. The blood on her hands. The rain gently trying, and failing, to wash it away. Her mind spasming in ecstasy at the opportunity to finally get to kill something. When she eventually turned back to Gaara she found him looking around in a similar manner, a faraway, contemplative expression on his face.

Does he think of that night often, too?

“We never talked about that night,” she said, and suddenly had his full attention again. “I killed a man–”

“Who was trying to kill you,” he interrupted, but she kept going, unimpeded.

“–right here. I tore into him. And I know you know I took pleasure in it.” She inhaled deeply, her breath shaky, and ignoring the way he looked pensive. “And I know you know… that I’m not…” She struggled to find the right way to explain how she’d lost the plot without sounding dramatic. But it wouldn’t come. Instead, she tried another angle. “Sometimes it comes in flashes. I’ll be okay one moment and then… I’ll just want to dig my kunai into something. Or even my bare hands. That ache. That desire.” She sighs. “I know you understand.”

Because you used to be out of control too went unsaid.

“And I see things…” She cut herself off quickly, not wanting to go further down that rabbit hole.

Gaara’s eyes had widened slightly at that admission, but he didn’t say anything. She was grateful for that.

Anyway…

“I’m not all there, I know. But I’m not so far gone that–”

“You’re not crazy, Sakura. You’re not worthless or useless or unworthy.” Gaara narrowed his eyes at her. His hands twitched, like he too was fighting the urge for them to embrace. She longed for that warmth again, shifting the weight between her feet nervously.

He stared at her intensely and she swallowed heavily in a vain attempt to stop the flow of tears. They stuck in the corner of her eyes in warning, and she tried so hard to keep them from falling, clenching her fists, digging her nails into her hands. Whatever she needed to do. Sakura nodded her head in agreement even as she refused to accept his sweet words.

But her gratitude towards this man was so strong that she couldn’t restrain the single sob from ripping out of her mouth. Now, she couldn’t stop the light tears now gathering along her eyelashes, threatening to obscure her vision. Sakura hugged herself as Gaara reached out to wipe the tears away. He was so tender and considerate. She felt like she was going to break from his kindness. It was good. But it was also torture.

Even after his outbursts and stubbornness to keep her in the dark, she couldn’t begrudge him forgiveness.

Sakura sniffed and leaned into his touch lightly, even as she was unable to bring herself to look at him. He cupped her cheek for a few moments, just holding his hand still against her before slowly wiping at her eyes again. When he removed his hand completely, it wasn’t done hastily or roughly. She didn’t feel rejected. She felt calmer. More in control.

“Sakura… I…”

What could he say? She didn’t know.

“Let’s go on that date.”

But apparently, he does.

She started, looking up at him in surprise. That came out of nowhere. But to be fair, it was something they’d already talked about. Once she got over the initial shock, Sakura found herself smiling her way through the mild panic at the thought of officially dating him.

“Now?”

He nodded.

“It’s a bit late.”

Gaara smiled wryly. “I don’t sleep much, and you don’t… have to go to the wedding planner tomorrow.”

That was true. It was officially her day off. She’d planned to spend it in the training grounds and also use some of that time to hone her ink crafting skills again. Sakura no longer felt the compulsion to escape Suna, though a deep seeded feeling of unease from merely being in Suna still ate at her. Everything she did now was just to pass the time, out of habit, or necessity. But this… yeah, she wanted to change things up a bit.

“O-okay.” She cleared her throat. “Yes. Let’s… uh,” she blushed, “go on that date.”

Gaara must have been thinking about this more than she realised. He rattled off a few ideas, all of which she could picture being interrupted and annoyed by the ever-present Root shadow in her wake. But several of the ideas sounded like they might just be in a no-go zone for her stalker.

Only one way to find out.

And it was a shame her mirage couldn’t be kept out of things as easily.

Sakura realised, as Gaara tentatively explained how this place and that place were in high security areas and had amazing views of the village, that of course the Shadow wasn’t allowed in all areas of Suna. She could’ve slapped herself for not thinking of it earlier. It was even likely he wasn’t allowed anywhere near Suna’s shinobi academy. All of this must have been covered back when they’d arrived and Baki had run down official rules to them both. She hadn’t been paying attention back then.

So many places I could’ve lost him in. Buried him, more like.

“Something casual,” Gaara was saying, bringing Sakura’s attention back to their impending date. Were they just going somewhere casual? Or was he talking about their relationship? Or maybe what they were going to wear? Well, there wasn’t anything casual about being engaged. It was still a farce, but it no longer felt trivial to her.

Okay, she could do this. She cleared her throat. “Yes, casual.”

Was that a smirk?

“We’ll need somewhere with food,” she added, ignoring the flush that his smirk had invoked along her body. They were both acutely aware neither of them had eaten their dinner. But Sakura didn’t want some homemade food for this. “Or money to buy some.”

“There are a number of acceptable vendors open this time of night.”

“Right.”

“I asked you out,” he said, his face tinging pink. “I will pay any and all fees.”

She wasn’t going to argue with that, since she was flat broke. It wasn’t like Danzo cared to pay her for any of her missions. She inwardly scoffed at the notion. The only things she owned were from before his takeover or what she’d managed to steal over the years. She would have to go through the clothes in the wardrobe in her bedroom. Again. At least there more options to choose from now, since both Matsuri and Yukata had made a point of restocking that threadbare closet.

“And I’ll change into something less... I mean more comfortable.” She spluttered. “I mean something casual.” She bit her lip in embarrassment. They were a pair of tomatoes. “Meet you back here in fifteen?”

Gaara nodded, his smile infectious as she returned it before turning on the spot and leaving him alone on the roof. She hadn’t even thought to ask him to use his sand, perhaps because she was still subconsciously remembering the ink creatures. They needed to be dealt with first, before she went anywhere.

Gaara will wait.

She knew he would.

.:.

The night was alive with the sounds and lights that made up the heart of Suna.

And the hounding footsteps of her eternal stalker. The closer they moved towards the lights and sounds, the further the Root retreated into the shadows. It faded into the background but refused to disappear completely. She would not turn her head to give it the attention it craved.

Instead, Sakura took in the sights and sounds, feeling like a proper tourist for the first time in her life. Gaara took her down a small path that led from the Kazekage mansion to the larger maze of interconnected paths to the thoroughfare of the village. From this narrow road, all other paths diverged. And his chosen path opened up into a lively and festival area.

There was no official looking celebration or staged performance, but the atmosphere had a similar ambience to them both. And the people were in merriment as though there really was a carnival going on. Sakura wondered if this was a new thing, because of the tensions of the Cold War and people just wanting to forget for a time, or if Suna had always occasionally held large-scaled revelries. Civilians behind the walls of any village, hidden and safer than most, couldn’t understand what it was really like out there, surely.

Enough of the doom and gloom.

The Root shadow followed as they moved deeper into the edge of the festivities, where the crowd was thinnest, keeping away from the louder groups. Far away. Some people turned to look at them; they recognised Gaara, despite his casual long styled jinbei, but Sakura’s casual shirt and trousers would not have screamed her identity more than her shocking pink hair. Even drab, it stood out. Fortunately, the crowd was sparse, having died down from the dinner rush, which meant the menu selections were limited but that suited them just fine.

Sakura tried not to notice how many people there really were. Nor the concerned look on Gaara’s face when he clearly noticed her anxiety. A few vendors sat on the outskirts of this rabble and Gaara steered them towards the first of the street food merchants, his hand on the small of her back. Sakura eyed the yakisoba but ultimately decided on yakitori. Gaara chose the same.

“I cannot take your money, Lord Kazekage,” the flustered merchant waved his hands frantically, when Gaara went to pay for it. “A treat for your lady friend. On the house.”

Sakura inhaled deeply, not wanting to speak for fear of setting off her anxiety. There were enough eyes on her. And the Shadow was ever present, even in the background. She took a deep breath and followed Gaara as he led her to an open dining area that was mostly empty. They sat on the tableless chairs and ate, just enjoying the distantly happy atmosphere and their silent company. It was oddly comfortable.

There was a tradition in Suna, or so Gaara had told her on the walk down the paths to this district. He’d learned about it from his brother. Like bar hopping in Konoha, this was called stall hopping – on dates or festival nights, going from one vendor to the next, buying a single, small portion of food, then moving onto the next vendor to repeat the process. It sounded interesting. Having finished their seasoned chicken, they now had their meat. Their animal protein.

The next stall had to be different. That was the tradition.

With Gaara’s arm pressed lightly and confidently against Sakura’s lower back, they continued to the next stall, which specialised in rice and seaweed as their main ingredients. Here, the vendor owner also refused Gaara’s money and ladled their plates with a serving of Onigiri and a shrimp tempura roll and ushered them to some seats nearby.

Sakura supposed it was good for business too, having the Kazekage seen at their stall.

“No, no, Lord Kazekage! I will not have it!” The third vendor followed the example of the previous ones, refusing Gaara’s money as well.

He was flushed at the intensity of their refusals and Sakura had to hide a smile behind her hand.

“Looks like they like you too much,” she whispered.

“Your lady friend will eat for free too.”

Gaara had clearly never actually done anything like this before. The novelty was something to behold. They both ordered a small bowl of miso soup, and this time chose to sit closer to the stall as they consumed their food. Sakura took the opportunity to study him as he delicately sipped at his miso, not bothering with the seaweed within the soup.

His sharp features made her feel nostalgia for the days when a pretty face would have her bumbling over her words or blushing just thinking about some boy’s eyes on her. She closed her eyes as images of Sasuke glaring at her popped into her mind. Her innocent, naïve days were over.

“They like you too,” Gaara whispered softly, and she looked over to see that he’d finished already. He wasn’t looking at her, but she took comfort from the gentle smile on his lips as he looked out over the scant crowd.

Her heart was hammering in her chest, but she tried to ignore it. She’d never been on a date before but had gossiped in her early years of puberty about all the different ways to go about it and how the boy in question would dote on her. However, none of them had involved stall hopping for a street vendor mixed with Kaiseki styled meals for an on the move dinner.

If only we could have done this without a stalker watching our every move.

She pointedly ignored the mostly invisible monster. When they were done, Sakura wanted the next stall to be a dessert one. Gaara pulled a face at the sweets before him, and Sakura laughed at the way he fake-coughed like it would get him out of helping her choose something.

Gaara turned his nose up at the dumplings and imagawayaki that Sakura had pointed out, making her giggle more like she was a real girl on a date this time. He really didn’t like sweets. There was no fried ice-cream, which she assumed he’d like better, but she convinced him to try some savory senbei. He didn’t flinch at the taste, and she grinned at him like she’d won a prize. His skin flushed a light pink, but he said nothing.

This merchant also refused his money and Sakura found herself comforting Gaara’s obvious unease by rubbing her hand along his lower back. The move surprised them both but except for a moment’s hesitation, she didn’t let it stop her from continuing. Until their food came and she focused on the task of consuming her dumplings without choking from embarrassment.

Their final vendor was a tea stand. This owner was just as impressed by the appearance of the Kazekage and finally, Gaara didn’t bother feeling too awkward about their insistence regarding payment. They took their green tea and decided to stroll out of the district, side by side, arms down, hands brushing against each other every now and then. And like naïve teenagers who’d never done anything romantic before, they wore identical looks of shyness and happiness. It was a great feeling. An unfamiliar feeling, for them both.

“I’m proud of you, Gaara.”

He blinked at her. “I should say the same.”

She smiled as they moved away, the food stalls gave way to a larger area. The food here came in restaurant size, but they bypassed it, keeping to the edge. But all good things do come to an end.

Because I’m a freak.

There was a commotion. Not a violent one by the sounds of it, but it seemed that some people were making a fuss in a crowd nearby. Yelling. Whooping. Drunken noises. Sounds that mimicked festivities that had gotten out of hand. The crowd was larger than Sakura was used to, and she hesitated on the threshold. She closed her eyes for a second to control her breathing, taking a small, unconscious step away from it. Her heart was racing again, her palms sweaty. Gaara stood silently and patiently beside her. He touched her arm softly when it was clear she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Are you okay?”

She couldn’t nod or speak, just trying to focus on her breathing. Her ears were ringing but it came and went quickly. Sakura grasped Gaara’s hand that had touched her, startling him. He took the hint and led her away from it. There were more commotions, but not as loud or out of control this time. The people were just having fun. Sakura didn’t know what had drawn their attention as she was not focusing on anything other than moving her feet and how warm Gaara’s hand felt against her skin.

And as they came to the edge of these newer sounds, she didn’t hesitate. “Let’s have a look.”

“Are you sure?”

He clearly was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle it, and he had reason to. She wasn’t exactly exuding confidence. But Sakura wanted to go down there and just check it out, at least. To find out what had drawn the attention of so many if not the usual things attributed to festivities, like games or fireworks. They didn’t have to stay for long. Just long enough to satisfy her curiosity.

Sakura reached out and entwined their hands before she could stop herself out of embarrassment. “I’ll squeeze your hand when I want to leave.”

He nodded, swallowing heavily and gently squeezing her hand in affirmation.

Okay, then.

Sakura took a deep breath. I can do this.

She’d already endured the inquisitive stares of the scattered people at the street stalls; this was just another step in the right direction. And if she could do all that under the eye of the Root, then she could do anything. It was just another challenge to overcome. And she so desperately wanted to overcome it.

They were recognised of course, and more than one set of eyes drifted to their entwined hands. Her skin felt clammy all of a sudden and a light squeeze from Gaara both set her heart aflutter and calmed her nerves. They only stayed for a few minutes. The lights were bright and the people, laughing and swaying, were loud and friendly. But she’d finally had enough.

Masks.

It was a mask gathering, themed not unlike the Matsuri festival back in Konoha. Not everyone was wearing a mask but there were small groups of impromptu dancers and some scattered musicians. They had the appearance of entertainers who had just come off some kind of travelling troupe but didn’t look out of place. Not like her. Sakura felt underdressed all of a sudden but pushed that anxiety down.

She gently squeezed Gaara’s hand, and he immediately steered them to a path that would lead away from the festivities. Like the interconnected paths she imagined it also led to the thoroughfare. But they didn’t get a chance to use it. There was a cry of something that sounded like frustration and excitement to her right and Sakura stiffened as a clearly very drunk civilian came stumbling as quickly as he could towards them. He made flailing motions with his arms, his face twisted in a grin and nonsensical words on his slurred and unintelligible tongue.

Ugly, rotten teeth. Polished and dangerous.

That peel of laughter wasn’t coming from the drunkard. It was seeping out of the shadows.

Sakura reeled, almost falling over. Gaara held her and she gripped his hand so hard she would’ve broken his sand armour if he’d bothered to wear it. The lights and sounds of the festivities brightened and blinded her. Hazy and screaming. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t ask Gaara for help. She couldn’t do a damn thing.

But true to his promise, Gaara was pulling her to him, flush against his chest. Sand whipped up around them, scaring off the drunkard. Sakura closed her eyes as the Kazekage teleported them away. When her feet hit the ground, she let her head fall forward onto Gaara’s chest. She felt the warmth of his hand on her back as he attempted to soothe her. Face pressed against his chest. Ascending numbers flashing through her mind’s eye. Breathing. Leaning into his embrace. Her body sagged. But she was calming down.

The Shadow is gone.

Sakura lost count of those ascending numbers, not knowing how long it really took for her to come back to herself. But she did. And Gaara moved with her as she pulled away, peering at her. Assessing her. Like he cared. She was learning to love those pale green eyes of his.

Fuck it. Why are you so good to me?

“Why…”

Gaara hushed her as she lost that train of thought. She looked around, realising she did not recognise the area he’d teleported them to. Sakura’s head swivelled around several times as she tried to take in the view. They were in what looked like a forest sanctuary. Or rather the kind of forest that Suna could provide with limited resources. The colour green was everywhere. Gardens. Stone pathways. And a dome nearby that screamed, “there’s a greenhouse inside me!”.

“Where are we?”

“The west gardens,” Gaara said. “This area is out of bounds. Only select individuals are allowed here, and only with my permission.”

More places the Shadow can’t reach.

She felt special. And she loved the place on sight. The foreboding pressure had released, and Sakura suddenly felt lighter than air. “Okay, give me a tour,” she said, not having to force her face to smile.

Gaara nodded, gently taking her hand once more. She soaked it all in as they walked along the path and he explained what she was seeing, in that simple but intelligent way of his. On paper, his words would sound clipped, but they came out so serene and husky that Sakura found herself hypnotised by them.

His voice.

She sighed. They found a bench and she let go of his hand before lowering herself onto it. She felt very nervous as Gaara sat beside her. Inches apart. She couldn’t decide which was worse: the way her libido occasionally went into overdrive around him or her current uncomfortable feeling like she was some virginal teenager who didn’t know how to behave in her own skin.

A shock of light and sound. Sakura whipped her head to the side in time to see an explosion of fireworks. She jumped to her feet quickly and scanned the horizon. Gaara stood and mimicked her pose.

“I forgot about that,” he said slowly, and she understood. This was a rare occurrence. Which meant she didn’t want to miss it.

Sakura took his hand and pulled him along as she raced towards it. Still in the gardens, they found the edge of the gardens that overlooked a significant portion of the village and she let herself fall backwards onto the grass. Gaara chuckled as he lay next to her. They had a great view of the fireworks erupting above the village.

They lay next to each other silently, just watching, leaning back on their elbows, and just enjoying the company. Eventually, the fireworks began to die down and, even though there was no hint of it on the horizon, Sakura was sure the sun wouldn’t be far away.

“Thank-you,” she said softly.

“You’re welcome.”

The stars twinkled. The blackness unable to mask their delight. She smiled at that observation. Sakura wanted to just lay here forever. Forget the Root shadow. Forget Danzo. Forget the council and Sajō and whomever it was that was colluding with the usurper Hokage. She just wanted to lie next to Gaara and forget the world. Or maybe she was more worried about getting too comfortable. The night was very, very late. She suppressed a yawn and had to physically stop herself from just flopping onto her back, in fear she’d fall asleep here and never wake up. Gaara, on the other hand, looked well rested. Or just not tired. Whichever.

She turned her gaze back to the stars. The blinking contrast between sparkles and darkness reminded her suddenly of her ink creatures. The light against the black ink sky. The way they seemed to fight each other for dominance. Yet nothing changed.

For almost a month, Sakura had been trying to find her way. Either a way out of the village or a way out of her own head. A path forward, made of the same stones as the ones in these gardens. And definitely not populated by the noisy nighttime carousers. But now, lying next to Gaara and wondering what this night would mean for their non-relationship, Sakura knew suddenly what to do. It was so very clear now.

She sat up straight and turned to face her fake fiancé turned real date, surprising him. He mirrored her movements, openly curious.

“Gaara,” she said. “I made ink creatures.”

Curiosity turned to confusion on his face. “Creatures?”

“Yes, chakra infused creatures made of ink.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her but remained silent.

“They’re hiding in my bathroom right now,” she added, knowing how weird that sounded.

“Why?”

“Why did I make them or why are they hiding?”

“Both.”

Sakura sighed. “I don’t think it’s a surprise that I didn’t choose to come here. Not under my own volition, anyway.” He nodded. “I… have wanted to leave the moment I arrived.” He didn’t look surprised. “The past few years all I could think of was getting away from Danzo. Especially the last six months, with him sending me on suicide runs.”

Gaara’s eyes widened. “He–”

“Let me get this out, please?”

He nodded again.

She cleared her throat. “I’m an idiot though. Every chance I got to get away, I squandered. Every moment in which I could slip away unseen, I freeze like my life depends on it. On my last mission I almost did leave. I saw the Konoha gate come up as I approached… it was so achingly familiar but alien at the same time. Everything about the Leaf is so… wrong, now. I wanted to get away from it. But I didn’t. Couldn’t bring myself to.” She sighed. “I guess I’m just as useless–”

“Stop.” Gaara scowled at her. “Don’t say that.”

Sakura hadn’t answered his question yet, but he suddenly didn’t seem to care. He rose to his knees and took her hands in his. They were warm and safe and not what she would’ve thought possible. Not for her.

“Sakura…” he trailed off for a moment. “it’s called self-sabotage. People do it to themselves, for years at a time even. It doesn’t make them useless. Or stupid. Or any other thing you’re thinking about yourself right now. None of that is true. I… spoke with a civilian therapist,” he said quickly, and she realised her surprise must’ve registered on her face.

A civilian therapist?

“I know what you’re talking about,” she said. “Its clinical term is Behavioural Dysregulation.”

It was a conscious (or unconscious) habit of doing things that were bad for oneself. It didn’t take a degree in clinical psychology to have heard of it, she supposed. Sakura had done quite a lot of reading on that subject, and similar, before everything went to shit. Lady Tsunade had wanted to begin incorporating mind healing into Konoha’s medical training facility.

Sakura gave a sad smile at that memory.

“Do you think…” Gaara cleared his throat. “You’d talk to one too? About… everything.”

Sakura pulled a face. “I don’t think a civilian would understand.”

The one Tsunade had proposed would’ve included both civilian and ninja therapists, though.

“Right.”

She watched Gaara closely as he released her hands and turned his head away. What he was looking at, she couldn’t tell. But his silence had an air of disappointment and contemplativeness to it.

Well, this sucks.

“I created them to scout out the village.”

He looked at her sharply.

At least he’s looking at me now.

“So, I could see the weakness in the guard patrols and escape.”

“Have you?”

She shook her head. There was no relief on his face, only contemplation. And… was he curious about them?

She decided to presume he was. “You want to see them?”

“I’m curious.”

Sakura flushed. “O-okay.”

They stood quickly and awkwardly. For a moment, neither of them moved, but then the warmth of his hand enveloped hers; his free arm snaking around her waist and holding her tightly. Gaara teleported them directly into her bedroom. Sakura trembled lightly as her feet hit the floor, but whether from nerves or the return of her libido she wasn’t sure. Her skin tingled, so maybe it was excitement. She pulled out of his grip quickly.

“Wait here,” she said and Gaara obeyed. She rushed into the bathroom and low and behold, the bird and snake were still holding onto the carcass.

Snake, she thought. I’ll call the ink snake ‘snake’ and the real, dead one ‘serpent’.

But the question that she needed to answer, and quickly before Gaara grew impatient, was whether or not to bring both. Sakura still wanted to keep secrets from him. She liked him. She trusted him. But she also didn’t trust her faith in him. Some things she just didn’t want to share.

But I told him I made creatures. As in, plural.

She sighed. She could always make more, anyway.

“Let go of the carcass,” she said softly, hoping Gaara didn’t have superhuman hearing. The ink bird released its hold while the snake curled its body for a moment, tightening the hold like a child refusing to behave. Then it was releasing it, dropping the carcass carelessly.

As she stood up, Sakura caught the reflection of herself in the bathroom mirror. It was very different to the underfed and ghastly image she’d seen the last time. She paused then smiled and turned away.

“Come on,” she told them, and the bird hopped along the floor after her. The snake seemed hesitant, and Sakura wondered if maybe she’d done something wrong.

She reached down to grab it, and it quickly wrapped its body around her arm gently as she left the bathroom. The bird twittered as it followed and then screeched at the sight of Gaara. He raised an eyebrow at it. Sakura had no idea it could do that. It didn’t have a syrinx, or any kind of noise making membranes, in its windpipe or otherwise. She wondered if it was just because of her. Sai had never mentioned anything about his creations having the ability to make noise, let alone having personalities.

I’m cracked so they are too.

It made no sense, but she supposed it didn’t matter.

It’s probably all just in my head.

Gaara watched them curiously. Sakura watched him nervously. He made no reaction to the noises the bird was making so she decided it was just all in her head. Even if he did twitch slightly when it went to peck him. Fake birds were not faster than a Kazekage. She decided to give him a rundown of her intentions with the creatures. He listened with rapt attention and Sakura found herself becoming more and more excited that someone was hearing this. Finally. She was rambling but it was kind of fun to have someone else to share this with.

“You used them to scout the village perimeter?” He asked when her rambling finally came to an end.

Sakura nodded, unable to stop the flush from heating up her neck. Was it okay that she’d done that? Probably not. But he didn’t seem put out. Maybe he was thinking about how it could help with that councillor? Or the entire council. Or maybe it was just her wishful thinking.

“What will you do with them now?”

So much for him thinking of this strategically.

“I want to help you.”

Gaara stood and walked over to her. He stopped inches in front of her. The movement could be confused with an attempt to intimidate her, but she knew he wouldn’t do that. Instead of trying to stare her down or talk her out of it, he reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. The small part of her that still responded to romantic and kind gestures was weak at the knees right now. Not the rest of her. Just the girlish side. She swallowed heavily, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“Okay,” he said finally.

“Okay?”

He smiled. “Okay.”

Sakura laughed. “Okay.”

The way he was looking at her… she desperately wanted to kiss him. Or for him to kiss her. But she knew he wouldn’t. Gaara would not presume such a forward action. He was poised. He was a gentleman. But gods did she want him to toss that aside and just fucking snog her. Maybe get in a few gropes and pelvis grinding.

Sakura forced herself to relax, realising she’d tensed up the more she contemplated the idea of Gaara pressing her against the wall. He didn’t look fazed by her weird demeanour. The snake tightened itself around her arm for a moment, but she ignored it. It wasn’t important. Trying to figure out whether or not to grab the Kazekage and pull his face down to meet her in a soul-searing kiss was important.

She cleared her throat.

“It’s late,” he said suddenly. “I should go.”

There was a flush on his face she’d overlooked in her internal musing. She was proud of herself for that. But her stomach clenched at the thought of letting him leave right now. She nodded though. It was very late. They were both going to be sleeping in a little longer in the morning.

All that does is make me wonder what he looks like first thing in the morning. Fuck.

What were the protocols here? Kiss him on the cheek? On the mouth? Make-out heavily then act like it was no big deal? Pepper him with kisses along his jawline, down to his neck and… fuck.

Focus.

Gods. Her libido again. She wanted to give into it so bad. But Gaara wasn’t moving, and she had to make a decision. She decided to just go with a peck on the cheek. It could be excused away much easier. Sakura stood higher to peck his cheek softly but couldn’t bring herself to pull away once her lips touched him. The warmth of his skin, the bright tinging of his ears; he was as excited as she was. That’s what she told herself. Why else would her lips against him make him blush?

Maybe I could…

She took a chance and turned her face towards his. They were closer than they’d ever been, now breathing in each other’s air. Sakura remained on her tiptoes. Gaara lowered his head slightly, but not far enough.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

When he licked his lips, she knew. Sakura tilted her chin up, angled her head to keep from knocking their noses together and pressed her lips to his softly. Their eyes closed at the same time. She parted her lips to envelop his then tugged on his bottom lip gently before pulling away completely. At the last moment, he’d opened his mouth slightly in a gasp.

No tongues were used in the making of this fucking perfect first kiss.

It was a chaste way to the end the night and despite her body wanting, no demanding more, she maintained their newfound distance, pressing a hand against his chest as they both recovered from it. Gaara had responded to her kiss, albeit in a small way. That was enough. She would continue this with him later, now that she knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. It was late and she was suddenly very, very tired.

After a few moments, he hastily repeated his goodbyes in that cool but cute bumbling way she’d learned to love and left.

She smiled widely. For the first time for a long time, Sakura could say she was profoundly happy.

.:.

[therealriver1]

Creative Pursuits

I've been working on a really special project for a while now. It all started when I read a book that I had purchased at Bargain Books last year. My first romantasy book and introduction to the genre. I suppose that book was the catalyst that set all this into motion. That book had sparked my creativity, igniting a flame that had long been dormant. It made me realize how much I missed writing and made me want to write my own story. I had started writing a story called Rebellion on Wattpad during 2014 that I had never finished. Turns out I was merely scratching the surface back then. There was so much I did not know about seriously writing back then. I wrote those first three chapters on a whim and merely did it for my own satisfaction. I also had no idea what I was doing. I only started thinking about writing seriously as of 2024. Writing had become my new hyperfixation. I had fell down the rabbit hole of YouTube searching for answers. There was a lot of information out there and I absorbed all of it. I had come across countless channels providing writing advice and tips. I also found some really great people who shared valuable gems of knowledge. The more content I consumed the more excited I got. I found it so inspiring to find this new community of writers who were on the same journey as me and I could not wait to dive in. I felt this strong affinity with these strangers online who were just starting out like me.

Applying what I learned would be the true test. Even now I am still learning. I do not think the craft of writing is something you can fully master. I am always looking to improve my skills by reading more books and taking the knowledge I have accumulated and adding it to my own story. That brings me back to Rebellion. The half-baked story I had uploaded to Wattpad years ago. I decided I would take that story and rewrite it by transforming it into something new. I kept the characters but I also changed a lot of plot points that I had for the original story. I started by rewriting those first three chapters and after that I continued writing new chapters. It was the most that I had ever consistently written. When I hit 36k words a switch went off inside of me. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Writing your first draft and pushing through came with a set of challenges all on its own. Especially when it came to getting stuck or running into plot holes. I think that it is all apart of the process and it has been such a cathartic and fun experience for me. I was determined to finish this novel. I had the whole story mapped out in my head. All I had to do was pour it out onto the blank page on my word document. So, I kept writing and I am still working on that manuscript today. For now I refer to it as 'project rebel' however I will be changing the title in the future.

Now for the reason that inspired this improptu post. I had started a new tiktok account specifically for my writing because I wanted to share updates and connect with similar folks in the writing sphere. Since posting I had received multiple messages from people interested in knowing more about my story and offering help. I thought that now would be the perfect time for me to introduce some of my writing to a new audience.

A quick synopsis on my novel before I share a little teaser. My story follows a young woman named Emmalyn Thorne as she navigates the pressures of royal life and finding out who she wants to be. In the midst of all this chaos she finds love and discovers who she was meant to be. My story is inspired by the Edwardian Era period and is set in 19th century England. The main focus of my story is romance with some fantastical elements. It also explores some relevant themes found in the modern world today. The more I write the more my story unfolds. I admit I have somewhat strayed from the original concept but the core ideas are still there. With all that being said I will be engaged with edits and revisions after completing my manuscript. I also have a lot of formatting to do. I do plan on submitting my work to some publishers when everything is ready. Please look forward to it. Below I have shared a small excerpt from my work in progress.

***

Chapter 14

[ I released my grip and stepped back allowing him to land a blow. "Can you stop with the theatrics, Em. It is so obvious that you are holding back. This is not how I want to win." Reid spoke in frustration as he continued to hammer at me with his wooden sword. I skillfully parried his moves, leaving no openings. "There she is. The real Emmalyn." Reid said, laughing. "All right then. No more going easy." I proclaimed. A confident grin plastered on my face. I spun my sword in my hand, showing off a bit for the crowd as I got serious. The sweat was dripping from Reid's face as he got ready to block my next move. I toyed with him first, acting as if I was going to strike. The other men murmured in disappointment as they looked on. I finally charged, heading straight for him, just before I reached him I dropped to my knees sweeping the sword under his feet. Reid landed on his back, holding up his arms as I stood over him, my sword pointed at his chest. Earl alone applauded with fervent admiration as the other men quickly dispersed. I held out my hand to Reid and lifted him up. "Looks like you have got an admirer among the new recruits." Reid said, raising an eyebrow. "Show off." I just shook my head. "Well, I had fun. Thanks for humoring me." Reid dusted of his clothes, putting back his sword. Across the other end of the courtyard Victor and Harold waved at him. "Do not tell me you are going drinking at this hour? I was hoping we could talk" ]

[brokendownoncemeterydrive]

🦷What’s up!🦷

NOTE: I wrote this a few nights ago, but then Tumblr did not save about 90% of my draft (tragic), etc etc. Moving on!

Updates updates updates!

Firstly, I am so pleased that my last (long) post seemed to speak to people! I was really going back and forth as to whether I should even send it out or not, but I’m so glad I did. Yes it was very personal and long and etc etc etc and yes it was drafted and almost posted a million times (such a long process that I refer to being in school at the beginning of it, and by one of the last sentences I mention being off on break). But then I was just like fuck it, it’s been on my mind and it should get out! And somebody out there will get it. More than a few somebodies, it seems! Okay enough patting myself on the back for 19 notes.

ANYWAY, what have I been listening to? Lately, this one!

I was actually not even aware of this song when it was first popular back in 2013 ish, as I was too busy having the music taste of a Vietnam War veteran. Don't blame me, blame the Forrest Gump soundtrack! The amount of times I watched that movie from 5th grade to about 8th grade was a strong sign of things to come (super super intense hyperfixations).

What have I been reading? Right now, American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis and Pet Sematary by Stephen King. Scary girl spring! I read The Informers (also by BEE) in 2022 and I loved it. American Psycho is admittedly not a breezy read but it's kind of brilliant. I love coming across the moments that made it into the movie version.

What have I been watching? Well well well. Speaking of early 2010s greatest hits, I am back on my Captain America shit HEAVILY.

I'll never forget the first time I watched Captain America: The First Avenger. I was with my grandmother and brother and we had gone to see The Smurfs. The movie was very short, but no matter what, it was our typical move to sneak into another movie whenever we went to the theater. Double feature for the price of one, every time! And so it transpired that we snuck in to see the first Captain America movie on that fateful day. Before then, I hadn't been very into superhero movies. They seemed like they might be only for boys?? Kind of like Disney XD and playing jackpot at recess (does anybody remember this game?? It could get very violent and it was banned multiple times at my elementary school). Anyway, I walked into the theater that day a nine year old girl, and I walked out of the theater that same nine year old girl with a difficult to unpack nostalgia for the 1940s. I also walked out deeply heartbroken. I am of course referring to the impact the ~death~ of Bucky Barnes had on me!

Because I was so young, I hadn't really seen any heavy movies yet, so when Steve couldn't save Bucky from falling into the ravine, I genuinely didn't know what to do or how to react. I remember thinking in my head, "Why are we just moving on?? Like why is the movie not stopping right now??". I get that because he's the main character, the intent was probably for the audience to be all about Steve Rogers, but respectfully get tf out of my way Chris Evans (he seems very kind so sorry to him!!), I want to talk to your bestie. I guess I just don't really go for blonde guys!

Anyway, imagine my absolute shock when Bucky returned as the Winter Soldier in 2014's Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I guess if I had been a comic book reader (I wasn't and still am not, no disrespect, just not really an interest I've ever felt) I would have known the storyline beforehand, but I'm honestly so glad I was able to be surprised. I swear when they first showed his face my heart dropped straight out through my asshole like an elevator with its cable cut. I'm telling you that the entire sequence from the highway where he pulls the steering wheel out of the car to his face reveal is the best thing Marvel ever did.

And while we are on the subject, I am continuously stunned by how little total screentime Sebastian Stan has in the MCU. Let's just say he's made the absolute most of it! Facial acting on a level few others could ever hope to achieve. I know everybody always talks about his face after the "Who the hell is Bucky?" moment or that look of shock mid beating Steve to a pulp at the end of TWS (Bucky girlies will know the one), but for me it's always gonna be the look in his eyes when he catches Steve's shield during the rooftop chase scene. The PAIN and the SADNESS in his eyes! Dare I say he maybe already recognized Steve at that point in the movie. Can we also just acknowledge the fact that Bucky is lowkey the linchpin of the plot of the first three Cap movies? His impact...

I don't know what exactly made me return to Captain America so heavily. That's kind of how my fixations work: they hit hard, and pretty much without warning. Maybe it's the Thunderbolts* marketing worming into my brain more than I realized, maybe it's actual brain worms. All I know is, the first three movies are the only things I've watched for the past few weeks. Every night, babie! This Cap renaissance coincided with my final exams at school, and I think there's something to be said for returning to older interests during times of stress. They are just so comforting. And I guess I am, in my heart, still the very young teenager who Captain America meant kind of the whole entire world to.

I'm currently planning to see Thunderbolts* with my best friend! I watched The Falcon and the Winter Soldier recently (lots of connections to Thunderbolts* from what I've heard), which I honestly thought was cute! I can't figure out if this puts me in the minority or not; opinions seem to heavily vary. Perhaps a discussion for a later time! I think (hope) one thing we can all agree on is how interesting a character Helmut Zemo is and how Daniel Brühl really gave everything in that role. As he often does! (please watch Inglourious Basterds, he is great in it).

A caveat: I feel like I need to see Captain America: Brave New World before I see Thunderbolts*. I'll admit, I felt hesitant about BNW when it was first announced: the Cap I grew up with is no more, and I know that Bucky is pretty much not in it. However, I always really enjoyed the Falcon as a character. I think Anthony Mackie is so funny and fun in that role, and you really can't go wrong with him in a movie. So I have to give BNW a shot! I'm sure I will find stuff I love.

As far as my life goes, I just saw Sinners with my boyfriend last night! LOVED it. Between Nosferatu at the end of last year and Sinners right now, vampire fans are really winning lately. I actually just got around to watching Black Panther for the first time recently, which I thought was fabulous, so it's no surprise at all that Sinners was great too (same director!).

I'm trying to think up some future posts, and a Sinners review is definitely in the cards, definitely more stuff on Captain America/Bucky, maybe a review of Thunderbolts* if I finally get to see it soon! I am also hoping to do one about different songs and albums and the things I relate them to (like for example "x song reminds me of x character, x book, etc"). You get it! This idea came to me when it struck me how much you can relate reputation by Taylor Swift to Bucky Barnes as the Winter Soldier if you're a girl like me. Make of that what you will.

LASTLY, because I'm back on my 1940s shit with all the Captain America stuff, I've also returned to a World War II-based short story I wrote way back as a sophomore in high school. I've recently edited it and shared it with a friend! I am generally very shy about my creative writing but if I'm feeling bold and brash one night maybe it will show up here. Maybe by alluding to it here, I will feel a bit more brave about potentially putting it out. Time will tell!

Stay frosty.❄️

[pan-magi]

Woo, another nothing update post, lol.

I wrote this out and it became too long and unwieldy. So, this is my second attempt to try and summarize it XD. A while ago I posted an hiatus for the summer 2023 and this is about the same vibes but different at the same time. Before it was because moving and tumblr being addicting. This time is because tumblr is getting too addicting again but also I simply need a fuller wholesale break from social media. Here is the gist of it:

World has gone to shit. My security net is only my family. I need to form a better IRL and local community to have something more to fall back on if needed. Needed or not it will be nice either way.

If I cannot manage that before I can move (yay more moving >:( ) to a less conservative area then at least get my head in a better mental state. I'm not in a bad place, but I'm not in a good place either. If something doesn't go right this year then I can easily see things getting worse quickly.

tumblr is it's same addictive self I bemoaned before. The problem before was getting too caught up on the dopamine rush of seeing notes and working on things taking up too much of my free time. This time it's trying to put myself in a good mood and staying on until I find something that puts me in a better mood. If I don't I just waste over an hour and am in a worse mood at the failure. Not tumblr's fault, it is where my headspace is at currently though.

This is how I am planning to work through this hiatus. Tumblr is good for me in small doses. I may have to rip off the Band-Aid and not come on at all if this does not work out.

Give myself weekends only to whatever I want to work on or browse at the time. For this blog, work on drafts and analysis that have sat in there for months (a couple I think for over a year, eek). Post them when they are ready.

This is what I try to do already, but it is hard. I need to commit more so I am thinking limiting to my computer only and giving myself a timer. I only tried mobile for a grand total of a day or two before knowing that constantly in my face was a bad thing.

Asks have been off here for a while. They will remain such, and I will turn off most other ways to reach out. Replying to my posts and everything on the post side will be the same. I won't be able to consistently respond, so everything else is off.

It's very easy that there won't be a noticeable difference at first since I have been slow on posting here (maybe every few weeks), yet I have no idea if I will disappear online and if that will be best for me. Maybe I will have new gifs done if inspiration really hits me, but after the about half dozen posts I have drafted are done I do not see me coming up with more for a while. I have thoughts on Magi, I always do, but concentrating on them has been difficult for my favorite show </3.

This will be until late summer, maybe early fall. That is a long time. I hope I can manage it because social media (so for me, tumblr) has become a time sink and mood regulator. I adore you all, but I can do better for myself until I can properly manage my tumblr time again.

To everyone, take care of yourselves. You are amazing.

Now, I need to go touch grass /affectionate

[scattered-shadows]

The Writer Ask Thingy!

It's from this ask post! Putting most of the questions under the cut!

the last sentence you wrote Hedy had a mischievous look in her eye.

a character whose POV you’re currently exploring In my current HL-related fics? It's both my MC Norah Lee, and my Hufflepuff boy Caleb in his own fic, At Your Service. heehee.

how you feel about your current WIP Currently, I feel stuck at the moment, which is why I haven't updated Yule Balls yet. I am aware it's been more than a month since my last update so I'm trying to finish it. I just need to work on this WIP-WIP (a.k.a this chapter in my first novel).

a story idea you haven’t written yet It's about my Ravenclaw boy Henry Abbott and his trials and tribulations as a Ministry liaison under Nerida's Merpeople Office.

first sentence of the fifth paragraph of an unpublished WIP Some of the other passengers, likely regulars from how they didn't seem too bothered by the speed of the bus, seemed to recognize Norah.

the word that appears the most in your current draft (wordcounter.net can tell you) For Chapter 28 of Yule Balls? Naru

your preferred writing fonts I honestly just use the standard fonts of either google docs or wordpad. For my novel, however, I use Liberation Serif.

if you had to write a sequel to a fic, you’d write one for… Yule Balls, of course. Working Title: Yule Balls 2 but the official title is "The Morning After But Not the Night Before"

start to finish, how long did it take you to write the last fic you posted? My last update was December, I think. It took me a month or more than a month to post. Mostly because of life and I just needed to get over myself again for feeling inadequate and just post the damn chapter.

what is the longest amount of time you’ve let a draft rest before you finished it? 11 months. Seriously. And I will never do that again.

a WIP you’d like to finish someday The Superhuman Army and The Shadow Man. Ideally, the former is what I finished a loooong time ago. The Shadow Man came much later.

a trope you’re really into right now Forced proximity. I dunno, I'm just currently writing that kind of trope for Norah and Ominis in Yule Balls.

a fandom you’re thinking about writing for Gladiator. But HEAR ME OUT: I am a CaraGeta girlie okay? Criminal Case comes second. Love and Deepspace may come third too.

where do you get your inspiration? From movies, mostly.

favorite weather for writing Usually when the weather's not too hot (which is rare) and not too cold either because then all I'll do is be cold and focus on being cold.

favorite place to write In my room. Sometimes in the downstairs office AND if no one's hanging around potentially looking for an opportunity to bother whoever's in that office.

talk about your writing and editing process I usually just wing it. I can never stick to an outline as much as I do outlines. I figure out what's next as I write. I edit the same way, but for work, I usually reread everything until the part that I haven't edited yet.

if you keep them, share a deleted sentence or paragraph from a published fic I...don't think I have them anymore.

the most interesting topic you’ve researched for a fic Architectural styles, mostly. Whenever I describe a place and I want to be specific.

in what year did you publish your first fic? FEB 25, 2009. THAT LONG AGO.

when did you publish your most recent fic? January 2, 2024. Oh my gosh it's been more than a year already!

do you ever worry about public reaction to what you’re writing? how do you get past that? I mostly worry that no one will ever read my fics. Even if I promote them. But I try and talk myself out of this worry and just post regardless. Key word: TRY

pick three keywords that describe your writing Simple. Repetitive. Angsty.

how do you recharge when you’re not feeling creative? I just let myself accept that feeling. I try not to force being creative anymore. But sometimes, working on a different thing helps.

besides writing, what are your other hobbies? Games - I play Animal Crossing, Dreamlight Valley, and Hogwarts Legacy. I also love to sleep.

are you able to write with other people around? Mostly no because they tend to talk. If you live in my house with several relatives, they like to yap our ears off and love hearing their own voices.

your favorite part of the writing process Keeping up the writing momentum of the days before to finally finish a chapter.

your least favorite part of the writing process Having to post it on all the platforms I post it on. There's unfortunately no cross-post on Tumblr to AO3, FF.net, and Wattpad.

how easy is it for you to come up with titles? Not easy at all. I always struggle to come up with titles, much less character names.

share a fic you’re especially proud of

Ooh! I guess, The Other Dimension which is my ATEEZ anthology series!

[ofrionstage]

2024 Yearly Recap!

So today is the last day of 2024.

I don't really have much to say about that. It's been a bit of a stressful year, it had its highs, it had its lows. I thought about trying to summerize the year in a sentence, but it's going to be really difficult. A year is a long time! In a year, a person will be happy, sad, stressed, relieved, and so much else, it's impossible to summerize so much into so little.

So I wrote more than a sentence!

This, like a lot of stuff here, is my first time doing something like this, so I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I decided to write this in the style of a spotify wrapped but for my life, if that makes sense? Accomplishments, numbers and stuff. Anyways, here it is:

WRITING(I write scripts):

This year has been the best year ever for my writing. In 2024, I...

Officially started my biggest project ever, which I am so passionate about.

Wrote 16,542 words in the first draft of said project.

(that's 35.5 scenes!)

Finally got over my fear of social media and started to post my progress here(really proud of myself for that), online confidence skyrocketed.

↑ Posted 17 parts of 'Irregularly Documenting My Creative Journey' over the span of 33 days, planning to post a lot more

Managed to finish a script for an unrelated side project with my friends in ONE WEEKEND, which ended up being 1.5K WORDS.

Used a definitely normal amount of sticky notes. Yes, my copy of the book I'm adapting is 100% fine why do you ask-

The book in question, suffocating from sticky notes: (blurred for spoilers I guess)

WE INTERRUPT THIS POST TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT WRITING ANNOUNCEMENT.

I wasn't able to finish the first draft by 2025(which is 100% fine, we all mess up a goal or two, life can be annoying). Luckily, I have a backup goal. You see, my birthday is January 16th. What I'm going to do is work to give myself the awesome gift of having a first draft ready by then. I'll be honest, if life will go easy on me, I should probably finish the first draft before that, which will be even better. We all miss goals and every now and then. It's okay! We're writers, not machines.

(Well, I hope we're not machines.)

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE, POST WILL RESUME SHORTLY.

MUSICAL THEATER:

This year has been an amazing year for musical theater, with Wicked's popularity literally everywhere. I love musicals. In 2024 I...

Saw a lot of musicals(I couldn't track the number)! The majority of them being proshots or slime tutorials, yes, but I found out about so many new fictional worlds and fandoms. It's amazing.

Saw a few musicals live on a big trip to london! Musical theater stars are so nice in person(I was, of course, very embarrassed to ask them to sign my programme). Fandoms can be so sweet and loving when they want to be. Let's all try to be more accepting and kind in 2025.

I saw the Wicked movie on its opening night! It was my first time ever seeing a movie on opening night, I was really excited. My friends and I decided to all come only wearing green and pink, which was my first time wearing something special and nerdy to an event. I loved the movie, too! No wonder it's the best-selling movie musical ever. Everyone in the fandom probably feels like the luckiest people on the planet, as they should!

SOCIAL MEDIA:

Like I said, a bit more than a month ago I finally got over my fear of posting and started posting updates on my creative journey, together with stuff about musicals I like. I didn't do much on social media this year because I just started a month ago, but in 2024 I...

Posted 33 posts.

Reached 5 followers(hi guys!)

My most popular post being this, a Les Mis fun fact post with 387 notes as of writing this. Les Mis fandom, you guys are very cool, but what are you??

Hoped on multiple occasions that people don't think I'm a middle aged woman just because I like analog emojis

Hoped on multiple occasions people are fine with my subpar english(it's my second language) and my obsesion with parentheses

Tried my best to spread positivity with my posts! :D

Huh. Now that I'm reading everything I wrote, it seems like my year did have a theme.

The Theme for My 2024 Was: A Lot of First Times!

I had a great year. I love doing and trying new things. I love the other people here who are so kind, I love you, who are reading this post right now!

Have a wonderful 2025, everyone!

I will see you next year. <3

-ofrionstage