#Update: I wrote this draft a long time ago but it is being posted now in honor of Taffy Train's win in the train poll

[chloedoesart]

Here's a couple of concept sketches for Can't Fight Fire with Fire because we went through a lot of different ideas.

We ended up choosing the fire one, because once we realized both characters were fire-coded, we thought it would be fun to give them a challenge. That is, to force them to stop a fire rather than start one.

The Engineer belongs to @modmad

[sserajeans]

bff premium?

kang haerin x fem! reader

synopsis: after distancing yourself from a friend you've unfortunately fallen for, the rest of the group catches onto her sour mood, and all fingers point to you

genre + others: fluff, mutual pining, friends to lovers, non-idol au, high school setting, friend group is rly just nwjns + yn

notes: i swear yail update will come i just had this in my drafts and felt bad for not posting for a while!!, requested, IM SO SORRY IT TOOK THIS LONG I REALLY WANTED TO BE IN TBE MOOD WHEN I WROTE THIS 😭😭😭😭 luckily haerin posted some pics that ive gotten completely insane over.. so!

you and haerin always had something special between the both of you.

you two met in middle school, when your homeroom teacher was assigning seats. she was a quiet kid, and so were you, but one of you had to get over it. so when the class was given a paired activity to "get-to-know each other", you were forced to come out of your shell, and haerin welcomed you (surprisingly) warmly.

it started off as a strictly-seatmate type of friendship, where you two would only interact whenever it was needed. but as you spent more and more time working on assigned activities together, you were beginning to realize that maybe you enjoyed her company more than you thought, and so did she.

eventually, you two began spending time together outside of class; during recess, lunchtime, sometimes after class in the library. it didn't take long until the both of you became really close, a known tandem. you were her closest friend, she was yours, and everyone knew that.

over time, your friends became hers as well, and so whenever everyone was free, your little friend group composed of minji, hanni, danielle, haerin, hyein, and you, would hang out together. at a clubroom, the courtyard, the gymnasium, a cafe, the cafeteria, anywhere.

but no matter how many close friends surrounded you two, it seemed clear to anyone that you were closer to each other than anyone else. the same way hanni was to hyein, and minji was to danielle.

now your feelings for haerin grew a couple years later, and you only admitted them to yourself in your sophomore year of high school. that's about four years or so since you two met, and about a year ago from today.

from the beginning, you had always found haerin pretty. it wasn't hard to admit. she was nice to look at, and the way her cat-like eyes turned into crescent moons whenever she smiled ear to ear... yeah, you knew you were enjoying it a little too much.

and it only worsened the more you got to know each other, because you found out there were so many things to adore.

the way she wouldn't stop talking about frogs, her love for tomatoes, her eyes and the way she blinks slowly when she looks at something she loves (a cat-like habit you picked up when she was watching a recipe video for an avocado dish).

the list could go on and on if no one stopped you, and after talking about it to your mom (who was very supportive of everything, by the way), you came to the conclusion that you liked haerin, in a "more-than-a-friend way".

but you had no idea, not a single clue, on what to do with that realization. what would happen if you told her? if you didn't? would she feel the same? would she be disgusted if she didn't?

crushes and romance was one of the most untouched conversation topics between the two of you, so you had no idea if she was even open to such ideas.

but the one thing you knew for sure, was that she was your best friend, and you were hers. you loved your best friend, and so did she. in a different way, or not, you felt like she still deserved to know. you hated hiding things from her, and history proves it only made things worse whenever you did.

so you decided to confess. great!

and suddenly you see her acting all lovey dovey with danielle.

well, in retrospect, they weren’t exactly being lovey dovey, and you kind of knew that.

danielle was just big on affection, as she was to everyone, and is one of the few people whose pda was complied with (or tolerated) by haerin.

and despite not being much of a pda fan, in that moment, you badly wanted to be in danielle’s place, comfortably smothering your best friend with all the love in the world.

oh, and it didn’t help that people started a couple rumors about them being a couple.

sure, everyone knew you were each other’s number one, each other’s best of best friend, but the way you two showed affection with each other was very different from the way danielle does, to again, everyone, but you didn’t care about that.

the bitter sting in your stomach seeing the two of them made you realize that it was probably a much better idea to just get rid of your feelings (you’re an idiot, you’ve had them for years. they won’t just go away). after all you didn’t want to ruin what you had with two of your closest friends.

and with that goal in mind, so began your plan to avoid kang haerin at all costs!

you’re really stupid.

in the process of avoiding haerin, you indirectly were avoiding the rest of the girls too. you mostly hung out with your other classmates from different subjects like woonhak and eunchae. and whenever you were asked about it by hanni (mostly), you shrugged it off and said it was just “school things you needed help with”.

it was a dumb excuse. everyone knew you were at least top 5 of the class. and what kind of help were you getting if you were going out to places like arcades and karaoke spots anyways?

the girls were bothered, but not as much as haerin was. she was often visibly in a sour mood, ate half of her usual cafeteria servings, and would talk a lot less than she already did.

they were worried for the both of you simultaneously, but hyein and minji put two and two together, which only doubled their worry.

initially, it was just you and haerin's separate well-being they were concerned about, but now that they realized the time frame in which you began distancing yourself matched up with when haerin's mood went down, they were now also worried about what could've happened between you two.

so they took it amongst themselves to at least know what was going on.

"haerin-ah."

"haerin."

"kang."

"kang haerin!"

haerin looked up from her untouched tray of food, her chopsticks poking around slices of beef in sauce.

"hm?"

minji sat across her as the first two to arrive in their usual lunch table.

"i was asking if anything happened between you and y/n or something..."

"oh..."

haerin looked back down and continued playing around with her food before sighing and looking back up, muttering a couple words.

"wish i knew."

"y/n-unnie! is something up between you and haerin-unnie?"

"huh? what?" you were sat in the sound proofed booth of the music room, guitar plugged in an amplifier. you squinted at hyein's figure from outside the room, putting your guitar on its stand and motioning her to come inside.

"can you repeat that? i can't really hear anything from in there..." scratching the back of your neck, you gave hyein a seat from behind the booth's drum sets.

"i was asking!" hyein took a deep breath, you raised your eyebrows signaling her to continue. "if you and haerin-unnie have something going on."

"h-huh? what? what something?"

"no not like that! i meant you know, did you fight or... 'cause she's been so sour lately! she wouldn't even give me her leftover tomatoes... she wasn't even gonna eat them! like at all!"

the expression on your face shifted to what most would identify as worry and concern.

"...she hasn't been eating the tomatoes? she loves those..."

"yeah! and so much more! anyways, minji-unnie and i deduced it was about you, so here i am." hyein gleamed with pride while you chuckled in amusement.

you leaned over to mess with the top of her head and sighed, "i'll talk to her. you don't worry about a thing, okay?"

and you kept your word to the younger girl. how could you not?

you spotted haerin alone in one of the clubrooms, cleaning up some of the materials they used for the day. knocking on the room's door startled her a bit, given by the minor flinch, but she relaxed seeing it was you.

still, you could tell her facial expression was slightly guarded, and it hurt you, but you definitely deserved it.

she turned back around to continue organizing the materials into three separate boxes, not saying a word.

"hyein said you haven't been eating the tomatoes in your lunch." you slowly took your steps towards her and stopped when you were a couole steps away on the other side of the desk she used to arrange the items. "or your lunch at all..."

she paused to look up at you and give you a short glare, before walking to move a box to the teacher's desk in the room. you followed a few steps behind her, arms behind your back as your fingers fiddled with each other.

"you shouldn't... skip your meals, you know..." you muttered, clearly intimidated by haerin’s cold facade. "health... you need to eat..."

seeing as how you still had no reply, you decided it was probably best to just go straight to the point.

"hey... i'm sorry..."

you were used to haerin not saying that much, especially when you got to know her more and she explained that it was simply just too tiring. but you were also always the exception to that.

whenever it was just the two of you, one would be surprised to see haerin as the louder one. talkative, always rambling about something, while you smiled, nodded, and gave comments whenever necessary.

"yangi, please say something"

haerin loved that nickname more than anything. it was pretty foul to pull that card, actually. you came up with it when you two were having a friendly debate over what animal she resembled.

"i don't know where you're getting cat, y/n."

"are you crazy? how are you getting frog!"

"literally everything!"

"no. you're simply incorrect. you're literally a cat in human form!"

"absolutely not!"

"whatever you say, goyangi."

"what did you just call me?"

"go-yang-i. goyangi. go. yangi."

"you're so... annoying."

"okay, yangi."

she let out a frustrated sigh, looking up at you with what felt like her eyes piercing through your soul.

"so you get to disappear on me without a word, but i have to reply when you speak to me for the first time in 8 days?"

yes, she's been counting the days.

but wouldn't you be too if she did the same?

well, you probably would've confronted her a little sooner. but it's not that haerin didn't care enough to do something about it, she just genuinely didn't want to overstep space you might've been needing.

"thats what i thought." she let go of the box, turned her back, and walked back to the desks to grab the 2nd box.

"look... i'm sorry, i really am." you immediately caught up to her with a few steps, eyes pleading with nothing but guilt.

"if you are then can you at least tell me why you were avoiding me?"

she stared at you, observing how your thumbs rubbed over your fingers, or how your breathing got a little heavy, both nervous habits she picked up.

noting how you probably weren't going to say much anytime soon, she let go of the 2nd box to face you.

"you're my best friend, y/n"

that hurt didn't it?

a reminder that that was probably all you were going to be to her.

"do you know how..." haerin took a deep inhale, it was beginning to get shaky. her mind was a mess, thinking of the best words to express the hurt you made her feel over the past few days. but she couldn't.

"nevermind."

knowing the way haerin acted added on to your internal conflict. haerin usually wasn't afraid to speak her mind when it was just the two of you, but now she is. she couldn't. and you knew it was your fault.

but were you really ready to tell her you liked her? now? you wanted to show her you were sorry, but it really wasn't that easy.

if things go wrong, she could continue the game and avoid you forever. and just like that you'd lose your best friend, ruining the group's dynamics as well.

but you figured your brain was just making up excuses for you to not tell her out of fear. what mattered the most now was letting her know you were sorry, and that hurting her was never part of the plan.

"look, i'll tell you, because i really truly am sorry for hurting you," you start off, hands in the air motioning whatever. "but i-... i need you to promise me..."

"what?" her voice was much softer now. still cold, but not sharp enough to make it feel like you were stabbed every time she spoke.

"that you won't be... weirded out, or disgusted, or leave the room. you'll talk about it with me."

"you're the one whos been avoiding the talking y/n, i hope you know that."

you often forget how quick she was with her words. it was like a whip. painful, fast, happens before you even noticed it did. you were just so used to her nicer side. she's never been frustrated with you.

"right..."

you took a deep breath, mentally composing a script of how you felt and how you were going to say it. just like the million times you've practiced to the mirror at home.

"i've been avoiding you 'cause i think i like you. or, well, i know i like you. in a more than a friend way. and i have been for a while, and i was going to tell you because i didn't like hiding things from you, but i saw you with dani one day and i just- i don't know. okay? it's stupid. i know she's like that with everyone, but i didn't like it when she was with you, so i decided that i'd rather just get rid of how i felt to make it easier and to not ruin any of our friendships. so i figured the only way to do that was if i didn't talk to you. clearly that affected us both in a way i didn't want or intend. i'm sorry i ignored you. it was selfish of me to not think about how you could've felt throughout everything."

haerin took a minute just standing there, trying to process the hell of a bomb of information you just dropped on her. her cheeks were gradually growing red the more she realized what you were trying to tell her.

"hey... hello... did you hear what i was saying... or do i have to repeat it... because i'd really rather not..." you waved your palm in front of the girl who seemed to be frozen in place. "but if that's what it takes then i guess tha—"

you stopped talking as haerin slowly approached you, wrapping her arms around your waist and burying her face on your shoulder. she was careful to do so slowly, giving you a chance to move away if you needed to. she knows you're not into physical touch, and it just wasn't exactly the norm for the two of you.

"i was worried."

"hey, i've been eating fine. it's you tha-"

"no, not that. i was worried you might've overheard dani and i talk about you when i told her i like you, and that you were disgusted by it and didn't want to be... associated with me because of it. and maybe you just didn't know how to tell me so you went with the silent treatment.... i was going nuts, y/n. that's why hyein was talking about skipping lunch and whatever. all i could think about was why."

you could feel the guilt eating you up bit by bit on the inside. it quite literally broke your heart to hear haerin, the girl with not a lot of words, express the effect of what you did. it was like acid, burning up your stomach, your chest, your head. except that acid was guilt.

"oh god... i'm so sorry, yangi... the whole thing was a really selfish move and— and i should've thought about you first. i really am so so sorry..."

you held her closer and softly shifted your body weight from one foot to the other, swaying the two of you softly, somewhat like a cradle calming a baby down to sleep.

"hey... it's okay... i know you didn't mean it. i'm just glad we're fine now."

you two stay in that position for a couple of minutes, feeling each other relax over time as a result of finally resolving the conflict you had caused.

that was until haerin broke the silence.

"so... hate to be the person to ask but..."

"what are we?"

the two of you laughed for a while at how the question was so cliche and cringe yet necessary.

"yes."

"bff premium?"

"y/n!"

"i'm kidding! i'm kidding! but... i say we take things slow? get a little used to this, whatever it is, whatever it could be?"

"yeah, i like that."

the two of you smiled at each other with nothing but warmth and care, before ultimately pulling in for another hug.

"minji-unnie you owe me 2,000 won."

"hyein you're being too loud."

"huh do you hea-?..." haerin pulled away with a surprised face, interrupted by y/n quickly stomping towards the door, slamming it open to reveal minji and hyein falling forward to the floor. a result of relying on the door for support.

"seriously? i expected hyein, but minji-unnie?" you sighed in disappointment, haerin walking over to see what the fuss was all about.

"listen, it's for hanni she placed bets too."

"...lame excuse."

"KANG HAERIN!"

[reilliane]

This is my personal obligatory post and apology for my poofing disappearance- if you're not up to read things like these, then feel free to scroll past! Have a good day/night!

—

the poofing, the poofed, and the un-poofing.

TLDR; Bad stuff happened for the entire past year, stopped college just a few months ago to learn the materials myself and market myself in the graphic design industry soon, and got a whole dose of religious epiphany that threw my life around. Wrote in a different account a few months ago to ease and destress without much expectation. Will continue to write albeit there won’t be many updates, had/have to drop original writing plans [right now focusing on a short story for Wanderer, though it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to write for others when I get the time]. May unfortunately discontinue ongoing AUs but will provide a summary for them [I think it’s only Tyranny-?] Will also open writing/art commissions soon, maybe set up a kofi account, but I won’t be ‘gatekeeping’ any content I plan to post. I’m thinking, if ever, it’d only be standalone specials or maybe nsfw [gosh I’m really saying that?] in kofi, buuut that’s just a maybe. Everything else is free to read of course <3 

A really detailed and long [I MEAN IT, MAYBE 1.3-.5K?? WC] exposition under the cut, but of course, it’s optional to read!

PS. I opened my drafts and had one or two finished works there, I will publish those soon. Get ready. Because they’re angst AHAAAAAAAAAA-

PPS. I won’t be able to respond to everyone’s sweet shucking messages in my inbox forgive me But know that I’M REALLY SO TOUCHED YALL I really didn’t think anyone would look for me that much 😭 Someone said I vanished like the avatar and it’s sending me crumpling to the floor.

ALRIGHT STORYTIME LET’S GO—first of all, I haven’t been on Tumblr for so long, nor have I interacted with anyone and coming back,, the web interface bamboozled me.

Anyway- the past year was roooough, like settling in and getting into college.

From the start, my brother and I have known of our depleting resources but couldn’t stop because of our mother’s insistence and my father’s very.. volatile attitude. Double the latter since he has cancer and has been nothing short of cranky and infuriated for the past years—knowing that the money is facing a downward slope because of his expensive medicines and learning that we’ll stop because of it would’ve,, been terribly bad and that's understating the nature of my headstrong, independent, and prideful father.

There were times when he was very somber about his state, but then mad—it was just a really bad time, but my brother and I finally convinced our mom that we had to stop for real a few months ago because money was just tight. Until now we’re hiding the fact from our dad that we stopped under the pretense that we’re only taking one course for the semester :v

We were very lost and torn.

I knew I had to go out and look for a job, but my brother would be doing the same, too—the thing was that we knew our mom couldn’t handle our dad being sick alone, so my brother opted to be the one to find work outside.

I’m learning materials and courses on my own at home, but finding a remote job without a degree is no doubt near unimaginable with how remote setups are almost nonexistent now. The time was just bleak at home, too, my father would ask for bad things to eat that would worsen his health and then blame it all on my mother when he felt body pains and repercussions—it was just BAD, that wasn't all of it, but I digress. Cancer sucks. 

Just a few days ago, I lost my uncle to the same thing, and now there’s an overall family dispute over who gets what and it feels like I’m living a kdrama fever dream [pls get me out hfasjdkfhdsaf]. I don’t recommend it if it’s not romance lmao.

Things were getting so out of hand and I also couldn’t get back into writing or socializing with everyone in my writing socials—but I still wanted to write without the expectation of being able to deliver as I used to. It was a de-stresser for me, so I opened a new account in ao3/quotev and wrote in.. November or December, I think. It was nice, I got to just type away and post and leave it at that.

I think one of the reasons why I didn’t go to Tumblr for that was because I knew I wouldn’t be able to commit to updates, and I love you guys, I didn’t want to say something and promise it’d be given but then nothing. I’ve done it back then and I just, don’t want to do that :(

Despite how heavy and dark the past year was, however, something really unexpected happened—okay here it goes.

As a child, I’ve been taught about Christian doctrine and was brought up to believe in the existence of a God. I didn’t have my heart in it though, of course not, how was I to believe something that I only knew because someone said it to me?? I did attend church out of duty and had a shallow fear of the greater being, but as an authentic believing person? Naw. 

Not until June at least.

I don’t know how to explain it rather I, out of the want to give my mother the chance to go somewhere she wanted to for Sunday, decided to join her for church. I was ready to just daze off and think about some solution to our problems, but then the sermon spoke to me—you know, that feeling when someone is passive-aggressively referring to you in a complaint or something?

It felt like that, only it felt like that message was something I was meant to hear, and boy I couldn’t believe it—neither did my mother [lol]. She told me how shocked she was when I listened throughout the what, an hour and a half of preaching that I usually just dismiss. 

It’s cliche, but my life really changed after that one simple Sunday.

All my tweeeeenty years of living, I’ve asked if God really is real and whatnot and I never got answered until July of 2023. What really cemented my belief in knowing that he is real, is when I decided to genuinely pray—then for seven consecutive days, the Bible would lead me to a page [like just randomly opening a part of the book after prayer] that answered my questions and/or convicted me of something. I'd wake up every day and an event would happen that would answer my confusion and I'd sit in the night thinking 'no way that just happened', but it did. Boy, when I tell you I thought I was going crazy.

Not to mention opportunities such as baptism and ministry suddenly popped my way when I only had the idea in my head and I kept it to myself. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, but when it ‘popped up’ more than thrice in a single week, I knew it wasn’t. Think of it as like, the thing in fanfiction when it seemed like the universe was saying something to you. Yeah, I felt that for myself. Mindblowing.

I could go on and on about the other life-changing things that occurred, but this would be so long LOL.

But I never regret coming to faith and accepting Jesus for real that day, and although life is still dark for me these days, the burden feels light. It’s an amazing feeling. He's really changed everything.

I’m not going to force anyone these beliefs—I knew how it felt to be on the receiving end and it could get very annoying, rather I just spoke on it to say how wonderful it was to know him, and it would be nice to let others know about my side in case they'd also take the faith. Who knows?

Also, I think I understand what those people were saying now. Again, I won’t force anyone—just reminding and asking you to try if you want, because it’s amazing. Bombard me in my inbox if you’re interested, but no pushing here, because I’m a firm believer that things shouldn’t be forced if it’s not the right time yet. 

Anyway, that was my source of strength and hope to go through these days—and I believe it’s also the driving force that led me to write this out in.. in Tumblr of all places lol. If someone told me this would happen two years ago I'd laugh in their face 💀

Rather than just getting back into writing and opening my social circle again, there’s that bit in me that wants to say that religious epiphany. That said, I know how diverse everyone is in their beliefs so I’ll say it very tersely that, no, I will not be parading and pushing people to believe this and that—this space is, after all, my space for writing :)

Ah, and nor will I ramble about it like shuck lol, but I will, in private, when prompted. 

With that out of the way, back into writing—I was floored when I first opened Tumblr and saw all the notifications and messages about my disappearance and I could’ve cried, really. It touches me poor heart :sob: and I wanted to thank all of you for such caring messages—I wouldn’t be able to reply to all of them [there were many!

Like maybe more than fifteen or twenty, not even counting the direct messages] but know that I’m very- very grateful for every one of you.

I could crawl out of your screen and hug yall but I won’t because I can’t and it’d throw people off KJHFSADKJFHALJSKDFHA

Life is, again, still hard—and navigating it is still difficult, but I’m managing these days. I can no longer return to my usual days of sporadic updates and teasers lol, but I’m happy to say I will still be writing, though it won’t be my entire focus nowadays. When I open writing commissions for genshin and art commissions, it’d get me going, of course. 

I have to let go of most of my beloved works because I realized that sticking to them would take up most of my time when I need to be out there upskilling and taking initiative to start earning money to support the bills. I still wanted to write though, and in my downtime I even got to watching One Piece and writing a currently on-hold fanfiction for that in Ao3, but fuuully realized that, no, I’m no longer cut out for really long written stuff unless I commit to writing a long piece that would take weeks for it to be published. 

In the end I settled for a single character [wanderer bb] short story that I get into writing without much hassle, and make myself happy, still :) I have ideas for other characters, too, but getting them out to be posted would take longer than usual.

My other AUs, as well, since my focus is just.. God, life, expenses, work, then hobbies. I don’t guarantee finishing them [I think Tyranny? And others, like Smite/Mercy/etc.], but I have in mind to write a summary because I meant it back then when I said the plot was really finished. Sighgisghsighs

Opening art commissions, I’d do that soon—writing, too.

Maybe a kofi account, as well—but I won’t be having any posts I want to be posted to be locked behind some tip or pay. I’m thinking of only adding specials there, specials like, standalone oneshots from an AU, or an nsfw piece. Oh golly, writing that is so beyond me, I think that’s the only reason why if anything is going to be in kofi, it’d probably be the nsfw. I plan to keep this writing blog sfw, still. 

But we’ll,,, we’ll see [dying]

So yeah! That’s.. Everything. For the writing thing, I think I’ll technically just be .. here, lol, with a focus on that story with wanderer. Gone are the 7k worded oneshots, now we’re just around 1.5k unless I commit to the creation. The story is so fluffy too [not angst? Surprising] 

But again, I will write for others eventually—can’t say when, or how, or who, but I will in time. 

I have so many plans in my head about my life, and I’m glad to say going back to Tumblr is a check off the list. I have an original novel in mind, but would you all be interested in such a thing? I don’t honestly know—other than opening commissions, I also plan on a Youtube Channel, but that’s uncertain. A Webtoon for my original plot too is a maybe, buuuut those are just what-ifs. Time will tell!

Those are just my two cents and I don’t regret sharing that—you guys have been with me for so long, even if I don’t really know you all beyond that screen, you all really became a part of my life, too :”)) 

If you reached the end of this post, wow, I’m touched. I hope you all have a good day–oh wait, what do I say? Ah yes.

I wish you all a good mornight [fhkadjsfhiajhgf].

God bless yall sweet people. 

[dangerouslyintofictionalloves]

(Bucky Barnes) A Little Messed Up #1

Warnings: Hey y'all this short story is not gonna be a cute or romantic plot. Just wanted to warn y'all that this short fanfic is more of a breakup plot between the two characters.

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Violence, Cheating, Arguments, Threats, Angst

Also I wrote this years ago, so it has been sitting in my wattpad unpublished dungeon for ages. I just thought that I'd give everything I ever wrote more of a chance to shine on Tumblr to see how it does.

For some reason I just feel more comfortable publishing things here. Even if I have multiple versions or drafts of a story.

Also all gifs included are from @k-fangirledits unless it's linked to the original wattpad post then idk where that gif came from.

Main OC Character Dahlia

Plot: Dahlia is Bucky's girlfriend. They met when he had just escaped HYDRA. She helped keep him hidden. Being a secret little goodie goodie she never really got to do anything exciting with her life so she saw this as a chance to live her life well and help someone along the way. After a while of training and recruitment once Bucky and Dahlia become part of the Avengers things are not seemingly going smooth as Natasha and Bucky are sent out on a mission together and he comes back distant. This triggers powers in Dahlia that she hadn't used since her childhood when she was going through a dark time dealing with bullies, and judgement. 

Dahlia snickered to herself as she sat at the island in the kitchen.

Bucky hadn't attempted to contact her in the month that he had been gone.

On a mission with Natasha, and yet Nat is the only one out of the two that cares to give her updates of their well being and how the mission is going.

Apparently Bucky had been spending time going to the bars then coming back late in the night. Thinking he was slick and that Natasha wouldn't notice his change in behavior.

To Natasha, she thought he was absolutely insane and such an asshole to neglect his GIRLFRIEND whom is patiently waiting for him back at home.

This bullshit decision of not notifying the wonderful woman that she considers a sister who is also his GIRLFRIEND.

Phone Call:

Natasha: What do you want me to do Li? Should I confront him and beat his ass for you? 

Dahlia: No. Don't do anything out of the ordinary. Keep me in the loop like you have been and we will see if there's anything truly going on. 

Natasha: Li, he's been coming home with the obvious scent of a woman. Are you sure? It's difficult for me to report this back to you but I want to be as honest as possible.

Dahlia: That's fine Nat. Be honest, I don't want you to sugarcoat anything from me. I am a grown, adult woman and I can handle it. If that's the verdict from your position, once you arrive back at base I'll handle this. We'll see if he comes clean about his choices. 

Natasha: Alright, but only if you're sure sweetheart. I gotta go before they get suspicious of my phone call being too long for just a bathroom break. I love you to the moon and back. See you soon darling. 

Dahlia: Love you too Nat.

End of Call

Unbeknownst to Dahlia her eyes had lost their shine.

The whites of her usually glowing brown eyes, now replaced by a dark abyss matching her pupils.

She glanced down at her hands surprised seeing a dust like dark mist floating around. Similar to when Wanda activates her power but more fluid and constantly there. 

Dahlia wasn't known for any special power with her position in the Avengers.

She never knew how to control her powers growing up.

The only aspects she knew how to control was manipulating shadow people and manifesting them into a physical form, telekinesis, and hiding herself within the shadows.

Any other power she held only came out with impulse based on her emotional and mental state.

Although she couldn't control her powers unless they were triggered. She has no control over when it activates. 

Startled by the footsteps coming towards the kitchen, Dahlia quickly hid in the shadows escaping to her bedroom without anyone actively seeing her abilities.

Unfortunately for the young woman, even that attempt to hide anything from Friday had already been captured and alerted Tony and Captain Rogers.

Saying they were shocked while reviewing the security footage would be a heavy understatement.

"She h-has powers? I- I- I th-thought she was just a simple assassin." Tony stammered.

Steve sighed wishing they could listen to the audio but Dahlia had always requested for Friday to keep every single conversation she has muted for her comfort and privacy as a condition on her staying with the Avengers.

Steve sighed as he continued watching the footage on a loop.

The more he watched

The more he noticed little things in her behavior tells.

Her body language, the tears that started streaming down her face before her powers triggered, the tense posture.

By that alone, he already knew that whatever triggered her abilities to manifest, started with an intense emotional reaction.

Whatever it was, he was determined to make sure that she would never have to go through that again for her powers to trigger. She just needed time to herself, and the right training in order to get everything under control.

Dahlia sat on the floor in her room with her legs up to her chest. She buried her face in her knees, taking deep breaths to calm down. Once her anger subsided she felt her eyes morph back to normal. 

A gentle tap on her arm shocked Dahlia out of her position as she jolted herself back away from the unknown force.

Catching herself against her palms she looked at the figure that was kneeling in the middle of the room to match her height, making sure she knew it meant no harm. "Shit." She whispered. 

With a wave of her hand the shadow figure had manifested into someone she hadn't needed to see for 15 years.  

"Heya gorgeous, been a long time." Xander greeted.

Dahlia looked at him with tears in her eyes as she realized why he had become part of the physical part of her life again.

She was going  through a dark time, so her inner darkness would always come out to protect her when she couldn't be reliable to do so herself. 

Xander looked down at the young woman with a determination to make her feel better.

"Come on gorgeous, we haven't seen each other since we were seven years old and I helped beat up the bullies. I'm only here now since you're going through a big turning point in your life and you can't lock yourself away from socializing to someone. You'll only drive yourself crazy trying to isolate from any form of society." He conveyed.

Dahlia let his words sink in.

It hurt to admit but he was right.

Seeing as she was still processing this new information Xander took this moment to bring her to bed.

Being well acquainted with the young woman, he laid next to her on the bed, pulling her close to his chest for comfort. 

Dahlia automatically snuggled into Xander's chest. She missed having her best friend around. When she was young, he came and went so quickly that she always wondered if he was just a dream at times.

After a moment she pulled away slightly to observe her friend that she had not been in contact with for a while.

"What happened to you?" She whispered, referring to the scars on his face.

Xander took one of her hands in his, separating her fingers gently. It was a sweet gesture, something they did when they were young to help him or her focus on any difficult conversation.

"Just because you may think I don't exist when I am not in your physical world doesn't mean I'm not a real entity at least Dahl. When I'm not here to protect you, to help you, to comfort you. I go back to the shadow world, a void, and when you are going through issues in your life... I form scars. Depending on how much it has impacted you. As the main shadow figure in charge to protect you, our bond is just that powerful." He explained. 

The entire night Xander had explained to Dahlia what her powers are and how to control some of them up until she fell asleep.

He sighed sadly seeing the tear stains along her cheeks. He had never observed her so happy before until she had met Bucky. Never seen her so broken until Bucky. 

Xander watched over the young woman as she slept. Manipulating her dreams to something more peaceful whenever he sensed her heart rate picking up in pace.

That was the norm for Xander.

Always making sure that her escape from reality was as comfortable as possible. 

[unolvrs]

UPCOMING WORKS? PLEASE? IF THERE AREN'T ANY, IT'S OKAY TOO!

uhh, there are both upcoming works and upcoming updates! i have sneak peeks for each one! but here they are:

少年A　（jjk ft. male!reader; possibly megumi/reader）

In a remote village in Sapporo, a thirteen-year-old first year student in an unnamed junior high school allegedly killed three classmates known to bully his best friend who they had driven to suicide. (Or, none of that is true.)

少年A (or: Boy A) was initially made as an OC out of nowhere. i shared him to a few friends before i realized that the set-up of him being nameless and just being called 'Boy A' was perfect for a reader-insert. and before i knew it, i was already writing everything down and it was really, really fun. the term 「少年A」 is something akin to 'John Doe' and it's mostly a name used to minors involved in a crime. there are lots of criminal 「少年A」 in japan so if you want to read about them, i'd give you a big trigger warning because the most well-known 「少年A」 was involved a horrific case.

2. among dawn flowers (the face of god), an extra chapter

i always get notifications about comments concerning dawn flowers and i've read all of them. thank you for your very kind words! they make me feel very happy every time i read them :D i'll be replying to them soon. but the most common comment is about gojō's... well, reaction to everything and what he truly felt for the main character, and there were a couple of misunderstandings in the comments too. i would normally just leave the misunderstandings be to let people have their own interpretation but i've been getting lots of comments and DMs about dawn flowers all the time, so this extra chapter happened. it has the following AUs too:

zen'in naoya marries tengai-san instead

tengai-san survives

tōji snatches up tengai-san (not at all romantic but a found family of sorts because their dynamics are really interesting! because they're the people who neither needs the least!)

and idk, maybe some more? i'll be reading through the comments again!

3. kirigakure-centric naruto fic

“Kirigakure didn’t need help. They needed salvation.”  No one knows anything about the Mizukage. Only that she’s kind. She likes to smile. She likes seafood like every other Mizu-born. And that there’s something inexplicably wrong with her. There’s something wrong with the Mizukage whom the Kiri-nin call a ‘god’. —or, Wataru Wataru was never really a powerhouse, in this life or the last, but she’s resourceful. She knows cults, pyramid schemes, and corrupt politicians like the back of her hand, so of course, she becomes the Mizukage and becomes a god along the way.

it's highlighted because it's undergoing editing... but yes, the mizukage cultist fic that i was talking about a month ago. it currently has four chapters in my drafts. i'm testing the waters on whether or not i can maintain it. so far, i have everything planned... like the timeline... it's too detailed.

4. shintō pjo fic

Beyond the eastern seas, Sen'no Hyōran wages a one-man war. (Or, if all she needs is the Golden Fleece, if all she needs is to steal that damned thing, then she will. Those Greeks standing in her way or not.)

YES IT'S HAPPENING OK!

of course, there's also the writing of kill the goose (3 chapters in my drafts now!), rain on my parade (a very slow rewriting), sunday without god (i wrote the next chapter and it was too long like 8k words and i'm not even halfway done so i'm stuck)! and posting some comm'd works that have been rotting in my drive for months!

some possible fics but no promises:

floating blue (nanami/reader)

Aoi's josei romance manga life starts when she's saved by Nanami Kento after almost falling down the train tracks! (Or, it turns out that Aoi is the main character of a supernatural josei manga! She's so excited!)

starts off as a cliché josei manga set-up bc aoi is a josei manga protagonist! then turns deep :D might become a reader-insert instead but without the [name] insert things. just second pov. this was really meant to be a rom-com than a sudden "omg! i'm in a supernatural josei manga!" might write bc it's a cute concept.

the prostitution of learning (jjk & male!oc)

There is no other main character but Kikuchi Eita. (Or, defeating enemies, exorcizing Curses, facing conservative higher-ups, there’s no adversity that Kikuchi Eita cannot push through because Kikuchi Eita is the main character. That is until Itadori Yūji.)

i made this guy before 少年A and while eita is my favorite oc i've ever created in jjk, 少年A's story is easier to write. but the prostitution of learning is a bit more complicated even just with eita's planned CT and while i'd love nothing more than to write this one, idk if i'd have the time but i really want to!

willow diaries / 柳日記 (kakashi/oc)

Kakashi gets a nobleman's concubine pregnant. Whoops. (Or, I no Yanagihaya's honorable brother-in-law said to surprise him. She did.)

first of all, it's not cheating or infidelity. said nobleman is dead. anyway, i think this is the most likely to be written bc i've written the first chapter a hundred times but couldn't get satisfied. anyway, this one's fun. and i love civilian ocs! especially writing nobility. the research was a pain but i loooove this one.

pls... don't ask me about frog in a well :"") i'm working on it! idk, froggie's become that weird cousin idk if i wanna talk to or not. it's awkward between the two of us right now bc ik i could start writing the chapter anytime and get it done and over it quickly but i've been lazy and focusing on other stuff hehe &lt;3

[bellaleighwrites]

Writeblr Intro

General Info

Hello! My name is Isabella. I'm in my 40s (a sentence that I'm going to have to change in 13.5 months, but leaving it for now). I've been writing for as long as I can remember. We won't talk about most of my early attempts. I could probably recreate the story I wrote in 7th grade word for word if I wanted to. But, the only reason to do that would be to torture somebody with it. And I don't have anybody I dislike enough to make them read that thing. Same as any of the poetry I wrote during my poetry phase in junior high and high school.

Currently, I work at the service desk in a grocery store. It's great for people watching. Of course, it's also good for making me want to never leave my house and not have to deal with people ever again. If I could get my ADHD brain to work long enough to look into classes, I really want to go into accounting or bookkeeping. The morning bookwork is my favorite part of my job honestly (other than most of my coworkers. I DO like them). I'm the oldest of 4 girls (though, technically one of them is actually a sister from another mister. But, her kids call me and my other sisters "aunt" and my parents "grandma and grandpa" so she still counts.) and have TEN niblings ranging in age from 19 down to almost 8. I think. I tend to lose track of the younger ones.

Anyway! On to my writing! Which is honestly the most interesting thing about me, anyway.

I am in the process of revising my first novel. It's an Urban Fantasy about a vampire who is trying to protect his girlfriend in a world going increasingly mad. He has reason to believe that his Sire is in town and gunning for his friends. He's been informed by the local seer that he will somehow be instrumental in preventing the end of the world. There is apparently a Necromancer loose in the city - and when you and most of your friends are dead, that is a bit concerning. And the firestarting abilities he thought he lost when he was turned have returned, and after 275 years of being dormant they're out of control. This is the first in a series. The book doesn't have a title yet, but the series is called The Vampires of Sangue Collina. Any posts about it will be tagged with #Sangue Collina.

I am also writing the first draft of a Historical Romance. a Regency-era second chance romance. Four years ago, Evelyn and Lucas fell in love. But, her stepfather intended to marry her to the son of an associate of his, using her dowry to pay off a gambling debt. Evelyn takes one night for herself and sleeps with Lucas before running away. Four years later, Lucas has a bad riding accident and in his moments of semi-lucidity the only coherent thing he can say is Evelyn’s name. So, his older brother tracks her down. When he finds her, he also discovers that she has had Lucas’s baby. He drags them both back to London. When Lucas finally actually wakes up and finds out about their child - and about the fact that her stepfather is still looking for her - he realizes the only way to protect them is to marry her. Of course he kind of hates her for what she did, and never mind her reasons. I'm 12 scenes in and really like most of what I have, even though I know that it DOES need a lot of work. I'm probably going to have to add in some flashbacks or something. Because the 12th scene is literally the first time Evelyn and Lucas see each other, and they don't have a proper conversation until the next scene. I need to do something about that. But, that is future me's problem. The tags for that are #You're still the one and #ysto.

And then there's my fanfiction. I write Bridgerton. Mostly Kate and Anthony. And it would take way too long to talk about all of my fics on here. I'll be posting later to talk about all of them. And with links to everything.

Anyway! I intend to post writing updates and snippets on here. I'll also be reblogging writing advice and I want to get better about reblogging other people's writing.

I am especially looking for fellow romance writers. Bonus if you also write historical romance. Much as I love my mutuals, it would be great to find people I can talk to about the specifics of my genre.

[fallen-in-dreams]

CHAPTER ELEVEN on AO3.

Chapters on Tumblr: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten.

Pairing: Gaara/Sakura.

Summary: Her descent into madness came after her friends were all dead and before she was sold off like livestock. To him. He knew a thing or two about madness. And there was peace to be found in the violence of that madness. Even if only for a time. Canon divergence AU.

Rated: Mature.

Chapter word count: 11,885.

Status: Ongoing.

Reminder: the tags/warnings are important.

Warnings: dark themes. Arranged marriage (not what you think). Eventual smut (level and degree of that warning being necessary is subjective). Death. Suicide talk. Self-harm. PTSD – expect some well-known symptoms and some not well-known ones. Please don’t read if you’re triggered by psychological &/or emotional-related trauma and effects.

.

Hiya. Hope you're all doing well. :) So, I'm back. And this story is almost done. But I won't be updating every week - it'll be more like 1 or 2 weeks. The reason:

Sometimes chapters just want to get longer and longer and we really have no choice in the matter.

Unlike the last time I wrote out a fic in draft form then posted each chapter a week apart as I edited them, this story is trying to drive me crazy. 4k chapters turned into 6-9k and now THIS chapter is 11k. My editing process is squeezing that number count for all it's worth and it became so much of a chore. I really needed that New Year's break. So yeah, I'm going to slow it down a LITTLE bit. So I don't let it annoy me too much.

And I hope each and every one of you will join me for the rest of the ride. I can't wait to see what you guys think about what's coming. Cheers. :)

Enjoy. ^_^

Tumblr version:

… Chapter Eleven: To Kiss or Not to Kiss. ...

.:.

Oh love, believe me, Nothing ever comes to us easy, The river's never run up to meet me, Gotta find your own way down

-- Oh Love, by Phildel

.:.

How am I supposed to face her now?

Gaara stopped trying to figure women out a long time ago.

His argument with Sakura Haruno that morning weighed heavily on him all day. Whenever Gaara found a quiet moment or his mind would wander, images of pure fury and betrayal hounded him. Her pretty face screwed up in indignation and misery. He couldn’t get over the fact that Sakura had truly thought he was wilfully keeping her from her friends. It was just for a few moments but the level of pain that vibrated through her body still scared him.

Hours later.

Like so much about her already does.

So, he stewed in self-doubt all day, moving on autopilot as he went from council meetings to the lonely hours stuck working through tedious mission reports and high-level security reviews. Councillor Tōjūrō wanted this. Councillor Sajō insisted on that. And Councillor Ebizō inquired about their mutual concerns, via the not-so-silent Anbu they both trusted.

Gaara was beyond relieved when the working day ended, and he was able to leave. Most days, he stayed until late, and other times he simply took his work home. It had not escaped his notice that he worked too much. But what else was there? All he had outside of work were his siblings, and they had their own lives to deal with. So, most of the time, he had no-one.

And now her.

“Sakura!” Temari’s voice interrupted his thoughts as she called up to their house guest. “Dinner’s ready!”

Gaara clasped his hands together to hide the trembling of his fingers when Sakura finally descended the internal staircase for dinner. He forced himself to blink heavily to keep his vision from zoning out. Nerves and anticipation like he’d never felt before plagued him. It took all his willpower to keep from groaning in frustration at the strange feelings.

He watched pensively as Sakura sat down delicately. Swallowing heavily.

Sakura Haruno.

Gaara couldn’t keep his eyes to himself.

“Date her, talk to her, and try to figure out how we can help her in the meantime.”

Ideas began to swirl in his mind. Possibilities.

As the culinary genius of the family, Kankuro had cooked another magnificent meal. He was still in the kitchen, putting on the final touches as Temari started talking about how her own day had been. Since her decision to stay in the village she’d taken over the management of the guards and patrols of the village. Gaara didn’t know if she was trying to improve it or just scare them into line. Regardless, she wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, so he gave her free reign to do (almost) whatever she wanted to them.

Temari stood to help Kankuro lay the food on the table. Sakura was staring at a spot close to the internal staircase, her fingers drumming softly on the table.

“Go get that date organised.”

Planning outings was not his thing. He’d never asked anyone on a date before. Expectation hung in the air.

“Let’s eat!” Kankuro yelled.

Dinner had always been a stiff but amicable affair. Every night, they’d sit around the main dining table to partake in one of Kankuro’s chef-level delights, talk would be minimal because they’d be enjoying the food too much to ruin the moment. But inevitably, someone would say something pointedly, and a casual, intermittent conversation would take place. Before Temari’s return, conversation would be carried by Kankuro’s attempts to make Sakura feel welcomed, strained as they were. Gaara would interject when he felt it necessary, with the occasional input from Sakura when addressed directly.

Since Temari’s return, his sister had not just driven the conversation, but wrenched it sideways and taken complete control of the reins. He wondered if was solely because of Sakura’s presence or a familiarity due to her connections to Temari’s former lover. Which begged the question of how much the pinkette knew about his fate.

Gaara gave a deep sigh that did not go unnoticed by the room at large. It all came down to lovers and friends and family, in the end. They were what truly mattered. Sakura coughed lightly and he glanced at her. Conversation would normally pick up at this point, but the air was unusually tense. He blamed himself.

Gaara hadn’t meant to hurt her by keeping the knowledge of her former allies from her. It hadn’t been vindictive. He just did not know where they were. He had his theories, of course, but nothing solid enough to act on. And this bothered him more than he could admit.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Or rather, Temari and Kankuro did, though they both paused a few times to glance at each other, like they were planning something. Temari had shifted to the edge of the seat, an eager look on her face. Sakura was pushing her food around on the plate, not eating. Like himself. Gaara had only taken a few bites before realising he wasn’t even hungry. And Kankuro was digging in, with gusto.

When Temari broke the silence, Gaara was grateful. For all of five seconds. Then he conjured a mental image of his hands strangling her.

“So…” She looked between Gaara and Sakura as she spoke. “It turns out one of the council members is a traitor, likely in cahoots with Danzo.”

Gaara glared at her. You did that on purpose.

She shrugged her shoulders with an air of indifference that he didn’t buy for a second. She’d been trying to convince him to let Sakura in on his ultimate plans for the Leaf Resistance, the future of Suna, and this Cold War. His sister wanted too much. He told her so. He’d been telling her so. But now, the decision was out of his hands. Sakura wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass. Kankuro put his cutlery down and leaned back, watching quietly. Amusement and curiosity danced in his eyes. Gaara could almost hear him thinking, well this should be interesting.

Sakura stopped playing with her food and looked up at Temari after side eyeing Gaara. He braced himself.

“How do you know there’s a traitor?”

“Through Lord Ebizō,” Temari said without hesitation. “Apparently, he’s been working with Gaara here.” She pointed her thumb at him as he scowled back at her. “They’ve found–”

“Temari.”

Kankuro made a soft sound the was halfway between a scoffed and snicker. Nobody paid him any mind.

Gaara glared at his sister. “She doesn’t need to know.”

She won’t be able to handle it, went unsaid.

He was aware of the insult to her person, but he couldn’t help himself. Kazekage or not, Sakura was under his care. She wasn’t one of his ninja. She was in no way his subordinate. Or professional equal. And as such, she was not to be privy to sensitive village information. He could not take responsibility for that. It was enough that he’d given Temari and Kankuro the highest security clearance legally possible for them simply because they were family. And the fact that they could handle it was beside the point.

This wasn’t a matter of trust. Sakura just wasn’t like them. Not anymore.

The pinkette scowled at him. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Gaara sat up straighter. He matched her glare with one of his own. It was to be a battle of the wills, then.

.:.

Sakura did not pull her eyes from Gaara while Temari continued as though she hadn’t been interrupted.

“As you would know, communications between different Kage are always done in code or with a Kage-only sealing jutsu.”

Sakura nodded still staring at the Kazekage. She’d seen Tsunade pen letters to other Kage numerous times in both ways. Shizune had been a pro at transcribing the Hokage’s frustrated and eye-twitching candour to something more diplomatic. Sakura had never quite mastered that skill. Where Shizune excelled, Sakura fell behind. Where Sakura shined, Shizune’s skills were lacking. In that way, they’d complimented each other as Tsunade’s most trusted aides.

“Well,” Kankuro added, breaking his own silence. “Lord Ebizō came to Gaara with copies of transcribed missives that had deletion points in them.”

Sakura nodded again. A deletion point was exactly as it sounded. Information that was sent to Danzo must have been deleted at Suna’s end but not Konoha’s. It was off the record information. The only legitimate reason to delete parts of a message on the official, final copy, was for Kage level reasons. And this was clearly a deletion that Gaara had been unaware of.

What it even meant, she couldn’t say. But there was another problem.

“How…” she started softly, fighting to keep her staring match with the redhead. “How did he find it?”

It was a dangerous thing to do, but also difficult to detect. One might say damn near impossible, considering they shouldn’t have a reason for even looking for it. And whomever discovered the deletion point would have to be exceptionally skilled at Cryptanalysis. At the very least. Had it been Ebizō himself?

Temari answered her unasked question. “A new jounin found it. He wasn’t supposed to be there, apparently. Was just covering a shift for a friend. He’s listed primarily as a sensor ninja but apparently started his prior chunin career as a Cryptanalysis specialist.”

Sakura nodded again, finally understanding. “Lucky.”

“Yes. But unfortunately, he couldn’t tell who made the deletions.”

Of course. Sakura would be surprised if he had. So, this jounin had gone to Ebizō instead of the Kazekage? Maybe because it had been a Kage level security issue, he’d instead gone to the only person whose reputation was both impeccable as well as unquestionable.

“But how does that mean a council member did it?” Was she missing something?

It was Kankuro’s turn to answer. “Nobody in this room but Gaara could do it and we know he didn’t. The next line of suspects are the senior members of the council. Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō are the senior advisors who legally have access to Kage level information. Officially, anyway.”

Because of course the Kazekage reserves the right to not inform them of anything if he doesn’t want to.

“How senior is Ebizō?”

“He leads the council.”

Sakura blinked heavily. So, it could’ve been Ebizō but wasn’t, because he brought it to Gaara’s attention. So, he was the only one they could trust. Almost as though this whole thing was a test that Gaara had set up to suss out the reliability of his subordinates. Except that he couldn’t have predicted this jounin’s inclusion. It would’ve been a piss poor test if nobody found it.

Sakura tapped her chin staring back into Gaara’s seafoam eyes with something akin to calmness. Almost like she was a real person having a legitimate conversation.

Well, look at me, acting like a normal, functioning person. What would my mirror image hallucination think about that?

“Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō.”

She didn’t know anything about Ryūsa beyond some murmuring that he might lead the council one day. Tōjūrō was a complete mystery. But Sajō? Oh, Councillor Sajō she knew. That was a face she’d never forget, the arrogant, pompous, prick. She had fantasies about strangling him with his own intestines on a daily basis. If she could, she would.

Her eyes drifted as Sakura imagined, once again, the choking sounds of the older man as she throttled him. It took a few more seconds and a clearing of Gaara’s throat before she scowled, realising what had just happened. In her distraction, she’d accidentally broke eye contact with him. When she looked back at him, the Kazekage was looking smug.

Shit.

.:.

Gaara couldn’t contain his smirk as Sakura broke their staring contest. Something clunking around in her brain had distracted her.

Good.

“Councillors Sajō, Ryūsa, and Tōjūrō.” Sakura mumbled to herself once more, angling her body away from Gaara and his gaze. He kept watching, his face falling into a frown as she ignored him.

“It has to be Sajō,” she said.

“Why?” Temari asked.

Sakura pulled a face. “I’ve had the unfortunate displeasure of being hounded by him. He’s an arsehole.”

“His personality is not evidence,” Gaara intervened, and she glared at him before turning away again.

Sakura pursed her lips. “I know it’s him.”

“Okay.” His brother was driving Gaara crazy. Temari added to the frustration by echoing his words.

He couldn’t sit here and allow this anymore. “No,” he said.

Sakura clenched her fists, her eyes darting over to the corner of the room; she’d jumped slightly, but there was nothing there to startle her. Sometimes, Gaara wondered about that. Hallucinations.

“This isn’t up for discussion,” he said.

It was a wonder his sanity was still intact, dealing with her. She slammed her fists down on the table, dislodging silverware and making his siblings jump out of their skins, but not so hard as to damage the structural integrity of the furniture.

“You promised,” she said scathingly, glaring openly at him, and he was reminded of their argument that morning. “You said you would tell me–”

“I said that we’ll talk later,” he corrected her.

“About the Leaf Resistance!” She yelled and Temari and Kankuro’s heads whipped towards Gaara. He could feel their confusion and surprise but ignored them. “About what you’re doing! You said we should talk. We need to talk. So, let’s talk damn it!”

“This cipher talk isn’t about the Resistance,” he growled. “Nor is the traitor councillor.”

“Do you know that for sure?” She snapped. “Or are you just presuming? What if it’s all connected, Gaara? What if none of it is a coincidence?” She was on a roll now, taking a deep breath before charging into her new hypothesis with gusto. “Danzo doesn’t want a strong alliance with Suna, and we all know it. I’m not actually here to marry you! What if my mission is part of a larger plan? Sending a Root member with me when those tiny little fucking bastards are not actually trained in diplomacy? You have to admit that’s suspicious! So, what if his connection with this traitor has something to do with the Resistance? Or to undermine Suna because he already has a highly connected ally within your walls! What if it’s all connected? Did you ever stop to think about that?”

Gaara blinked heavily at her. Her deduction was quite the stretch. But crazier things had happened and he couldn’t think of a valid counter point, so he would be remiss to completely rule it out. He sighed. But this wasn’t the place to discuss this.

“I can help,” she said, her voice suddenly soft. He didn’t respond. “He won’t expect anything from me.”

“We don’t even know it’s him,” Gaara said. He was fighting with himself as much as her. He didn’t want to push her out of this, but it was political. And she wasn’t a Suna native. It wouldn’t be treason, but it would be dangerous. For both of them.

Maybe I’m overreacting.

He had no clue. Sakura’s face scrunched up as though she was in pain and her head dipped. She closed her eyes and he imagined she was struggling to calm herself. Was she having a panic attack? Gaara felt a similar spasm grasp his chest at the thought of having done this to her.

I can’t do anything right, with her.

She stood up abruptly, not looking at anyone. Her hands were balled into fists and Gaara’s stomach clenched painfully. Guilt. He felt the urge to say something, anything, to keep her from leaving this room angry. But nothing came to mind. He sat there, with his mouth slightly agape, unable to say the things she needed to hear.

Why?

There was a war in Gaara’s heart. The urge to protect her. The urge to respect her desire to participate. The urge to keep her far from the machinations of the evil of this world. He felt like he was being torn in too many different directions. But he knew that above all, he was being incredibly selfish.

With no regard for her uneaten dinner, Sakura stormed out.

He couldn’t release the groan that threatened to bubble up his throat. Gaara remembered he still had an audience and turned his head minutely to glance at them. Temari was frowning at him, her fingers tapping the table soundlessly. Kankuro was shaking his head, his lips twisted in barely controlled irritation. Gaara let that effervescent groan escape his mouth. He was an arsehole. He knew it. Because his siblings had never looked at him with so much disappointment before. Even when he let a demon out to play havoc on their village as a blood thirsty child.

.:.

When will I ever learn?

She was too emotional. Always had been. Weak. Pathetic. Emotional little girl. Expected too much of others. Presumed too much of herself. Stupid.

Sakura stormed up the internal staircase and slammed her bedroom door closed. She didn’t stop there, grabbing the cactus Matsuri and Yukata had given her (what else did she have?) and throwing it against the wall. Not the back of the door. No, not the chronicle of her timeline in Suna.

Soil spilled onto the floor, but the succulent remained firmly in the pot. The hardy bastard.

She let out a long-winded, slightly high-pitched groan. One minute Gaara was open and treating her like a human being and the next, looking down on her and breaking his promises. She felt so childish, but Sakura didn’t care. She wanted to rage and yell and pound some faces into the ground. She let her anger broil and seethe as she turned and threw herself at the bed. Head in the middle and feet dangling over the edge, she screamed into the blanket for all she was worth.

Which isn’t much, let’s be honest.

It was best to muffle her more violent urges. Noisy. Yes. The last thing she wanted was for someone to hear her screaming and to come running. If they would even. She scoffed. Sakura groaned, then rolled onto her back, grabbed the pillow, and attempted to suffocate herself. It wouldn’t be the first attempt since her arrival at Suna.

Who am I kidding?

She wasn’t trying to do anything to herself.

Sakura gripped the pillow harder, closed her eyes tightly and then screamed again. The muffled sound only made her ears pop. She sighed and sat up wearily. She needed to stop doing this to herself. After so long alone, Sakura had started to think she was a part of something. Maybe something special. Probably just something not toxic. Not dangerous. Kankuro was personable. Temari seemed genuinely happy to see her. But Gaara… fuck, she had to stop wanting more from him.

She shook herself and stood up as the mirage floated into the room, through that blasted window. Sakura’s heart raced and she shivered. Had the temperature dropped suddenly or was she just feeling the aftereffects of her panic attack? She watched as the mirage as it turned on the spot and seemed to only just notice her, glowering now.

“I hate you,” she said with conviction. I really do.

“You brought this on yourself,” it replied.

“Shut up.”

Its smile was cruel. Sakura closed her eyes and sat back down on the bed; hands fisted on her thighs.

“He doesn’t care about you.”

“Go away.”

“You’re useless to him.”

She wanted to cry. A choked sob escaped her before she could stop it. No. She was in control of this. Sakura threw her pillow at the mirage. And of course it sailed right through that smug, broken, and bloodied face. It was happy and angry at the same time. How could something that wasn’t even real hold any emotions at all?

“Are you even trying to escape this stupid hell hole?”

No, apparently Sakura had completely forgotten she wanted out of Suna. How long had it been? She paused in her internal debate to glance at the back of her bedroom door.

Twenty-five days so far.

“Ugh.”

Between wanting in on Gaara’s schemes and her ink creatures, Sakura still had no idea what she was doing. Her creations had scouted the village outskirts and even memorised the guard positions and patrol routes. There was no predictability to times, but the places were all the same. It was something to work with, at least. But it was getting her nowhere.

Twenty-five days and all she’d accomplished was making a fool of herself in front of everyone.

Gaara didn’t want her help. Her creatures had probably escaped this hell hole, leaving her behind. There was nothing to do. Nothing but sit in her room like a good girl and wait out whatever plan Gaara and his siblings had. Once the traitor had been identified and proven they could then tackle the political mess Danzo had Suna entrenched in. And Sakura would be free.

And this time I’ll run.

She’d kill the Root shadow and run. Sakura grasped at her chest, grinning despite the hole in her heart. She didn’t notice the single tear at first. It contained all her hopes for being human again. She wiped at it, not sure what to think of it. But she was spared that particular, repetitive self-flagellation at the abrupt sound of a hiss. She started, spinning around quickly. Her kunai was still in the hole in the windowsill. Conveniently between her and the source of the disturbance.

I really need a better hiding place.

Or multiple kunai dipped in poison. Yes, that would be better. More kunai, more targets. She smiled ruefully at that, her focus snapping to the window. She breathed a sigh of relief when there was no attack but rather the shadows of familiar shapes.

They’re finally back.

The ink creatures. The vulture-like bird and viper shaped snake. They slid into the room through the open window, moving in tandem. Between the two of them they had a death grip on something. Something distinctly snake-shaped and presumably dead. A wide grin spread over her face, and they halted their movements.

“Yes,” she hissed. She inched toward them as the ink bird hopped impatiently, releasing its own grip. When she touched the real snake softly, the ink snake twisted its body, tightening its hold on the carcass. The snake was indeed dead. She sighed, relieved. That would make this much easier. The chemical make-up of venom did not change after the snake died. So, theoretically, she should be able to extract the venom and use it, no problem.

Sakura vividly remembered a description of the milking process from a snake husbandry book during her genin days in Konoha.

Press down on the back of the snake’s head after it bites the container. The fangs will drip out venom for at least fifteen to twenty seconds.

Those instructions had been for a live snake. She cocked her head at the dead one as it was still being half-heartedly strangled by living ink, at her feet. Well, hopefully its deceased status wouldn’t make a difference other than ease of access. Hopefully.

Do I do this now?

Normally, she’d wait for the other occupants of the household to go to bed before doing something she didn’t want to be walked in on doing. Right now, standing, staring, and contemplating her sanity carried a high risk of interruption.

Sakura glanced up at the clock. She’d only been back in the room for almost two minutes. It felt far longer. She sighed, resigned, and shooed her hand at the ink creatures. Trying to corral cats would be easier. They just sat and stared at her. Or rather, the snake remained motionless except for the occasional tightening of its possessive grip and the bird cocked its head at her. Much like she’d done a moment ago. Not that it made a difference if they suddenly started towards the bathroom or something, to keep out of sight. And this whole thing would be far safer if she waited, anyway. She’d already been waiting two days for their return to begin, what was a few more hours?

Still feels like I’ve been pacing impatiently for far longer.

She sat on the edge of her bed and closed her eyes. Her emotions had settled. She felt so drained. But not exhausted. There was an old meditation technique that Lady Tsunade had taught her, and she was just scooting back further onto the bed to try it when Sakura paused, startled by the sudden rush of chakra.

Gaara’s chakra.

Gaara’s knock on her door.

“Is he here to apologise?” She’d forgotten about the mirage. Its singsong, mocking voice floated over to her. “I don’t think so.”

She inhaled deeply, unable to stop the sudden hiccupping sob that sounded from her mouth. All the anger and fear and feelings of resentment and abandonment that had just disappeared, all the tension in her body, suddenly returned with a vengeance. How could one person, so innately collected and calm, invoke such a raging storm inside her? She hated it. And right now, she hated him.

“Stop lying.”

Go away.

He wasn’t going away.

Fuck the mirage. She wanted Gaara to leave her alone. But she also wanted him to persist. To show her she was worth the effort. That he cared. Sakura wiped at her tears and attempted to make her face look presentable. Maybe he would give up. In that case the only person who would see her tears was herself.

He knocked again.

“Sakura?” That deep, soft voice. Gods.

What is he doing to me?

.:.

Moonlight filtered in through her window as Sakura stared at the door. The ink creatures twittered and hissed, respectively, nearby and she wasn’t ready for Gaara to see them.

“Think he’ll actually call you crazy this time?”

Maybe. The mirage grinned at her thought.

“Sakura?”

Right, he was still outside her room. She fought the urge to flee. It had been her default state since arriving in Suna and it was beyond exhausting.

And embarrassing.

She glanced at the snake and bird before slowly opening the door half a foot and holding tightly to the frame to keep him from pushing it open. If he had such a notion. Sakura forced herself to look him in the eye.

The shame. His face was full of it.

“Hi.”

He nodded but before Gaara could respond, Sakura moved forward, placing a trembling hand on his chest, keeping her eyes on his. Pale green irises widened but he didn’t complain. Feeling more confident, Sakura pushed him gently and closed the door behind herself. In the hallway. Alone. Together. Her other hand found its way to his chest and Sakura felt his heart beat a little faster under her fingertips.

“It’s a nice night,” she said, her voice low and strong. Maybe. She had no idea. It just had to be strong enough to project confidence. Conviction she missed about her past herself. She was trying, really. “Let’s go to the roof.”

His eyes searched hers wordlessly, clearly trying to figure out what her plan was. What she was thinking. Why she was thinking it. Maybe even if she was trying to trick him. He’d deserve it, after that display during dinner, but Sakura tried for her most saccharine smile.

Seemingly convinced, he slipped his right arm around her waist and pulled her gently toward him, flush against his body. Sand whipped up around them and she couldn’t stop the light gasp for the life of her. Steeling herself, Sakura gripped harder to him as they disappeared from the hallway outside her bedroom and her centre of gravity shifted and they reappeared on the roof of the Kazekage mansion.

The cold night air hit her first. She shivered but didn’t complain. She expected Gaara to pull away immediately but his hold on her remained firm. Almost like it was his apology. Or he was working up to one. Sakura waited. And glanced around, remembering that the Root shadow would be able to see them from the outside, on the roof, even if he couldn’t hear them.

She could imagine that freak’s reaction if he was watching right now. Sakura remembered, one of the few times the masked man hadn’t berated her on their three-day journey to Suna he’d gone over her expectations on this mission. He’d expected her to lull Gaara into a false sense of security. To take advantage of him. To play the part of a girl being sold off.

Use your assets, he’d said, leering at her. It’s not like you haven’t done this before.

Danzo had not ordered her to sleep with, let alone woo Gaara, specifically. But it was in every look he’d given her before sending her off. It was in between every line in the official papers for this mission. Of course, she’d ignored it. Sakura hadn’t planned to be here this long. But here she was, with Gaara’s arm around her, and all Sakura could think of was that, technically, this was supposed to be a seduction mission. She hadn’t foreseen viewing Gaara as a sexual being. It had snuck up on her, now painfully obvious. Sakura knew it before but a part of her had also denied it, but it was true. There was no going back now. She wanted him.

Desperately.

But she was done hoping he would start anything. Gaara wasn’t like that.

Sakura started as his left arm came around to embrace her. His chin resting on top of her head, and he let out a soft sigh. It made her body tremble in response, and she wondered what he was trying to do if not turn her on. This was out of character for him. As far as she could tell. She inhaled deeply. And he needed to stop smelling so good too.

Because it’s hot as fuck.

She wanted to dominate him. The feeling wasn’t new to her but the chance to be the one in control, was. All she’d ever done is exude a fake version of confidence. Sex was methodical. A tool. To her, at least. And here was Gaara, making her want something else. Something more.

But how am I supposed to get that?

She had no idea how to instigate this. Reluctantly, Sakura released her hold on Gaara and after a few moments of what seemed like internal contemplation, he uncoiled his arms, removing them from her hips gently. Always the gentleman. Never the paramour. She cleared her throat and took a step backwards.

He wouldn’t want me that way, anyway.

She needed to get this under control. This level of intensity wasn’t natural for her. It had to be a side effect of either the prazosin drug she was taking or her anxiety. Post Traumatic Distress Disorder. She wasn’t so stupid as to presume she’d survived the last few years with her sanity intact. And it would explain so much.

“I’m sorry.”

Sakura’s jaw dropped at Gaara’s words. He was sorry. She blinked stupidly at him.

“For everything,” he said.

She nodded slowly, licking her lips absentmindedly. Yes, he’d been an arse. She could accept this. She stared at him for a moment, contemplating how to go about the discussion she wanted to have with him. He kept eye contact, obviously content with waiting for her input. She tried to smile but her lips quivered.

Sakura sighed.

“Councillor Sajō. He came to a few of the wedding planning sessions,” she said, deciding on a change of topic. “He was abrupt but otherwise respectful to the other ladies. But he kept glancing at me.” She shuddered at the memory. “He didn’t like what he saw. And he hates me. I know it’s not a lot to go on,” she added. “I’m sorry I was so pushy and defensive about it.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Sakura didn’t think he had anything to base that on. Sometimes she thought he had a secret file that occasionally leaked information about her to him, in minute amounts; just enough for him to get glimpses into her psyche, but not enough for a deep dive. Enough for his pity to sting her. To burn. And enough for him to think her some kind of helpless victim.

She stood straighter, shoulders pushed back, and chin raised. Sakura had never been good at hiding her feelings, even after the Root commanded that had trained her in the early days of Danzo’s reign got tired of her lack of control. The man had very little patience for emotional outbursts. He could teach her all manner of underhanded jutsu and Root-based tactics but mental conditioning to suppress her emotions? She was never going to master that. Not to his satisfaction, anyway. There was no seal on her tongue. Danzo didn’t stick needles in her eyes and brainwash her. No, he just had his subordinates torture her. Poke her full of holes. Heal her. Fry her. Rinse and repeat. She was fun to play with, apparently. Even more so than some others because an unwilling servant could scream the loudest.

“The council has always been difficult,” Gaara interrupted her thoughts, running a hand through his hair distractedly. He looked past her, as though someone had appeared suddenly, and she had to refrain from turning to look. But there had to be nobody there because his demeanour didn’t change. “They do like to make up their own rules sometimes.”

“I can believe that. Especially after that councillor started having me followed.”

Sakura was adamant that Sajō had. The Root shadow never seemed bothered by it. He’d even laughed a few times when she’d stopped on her way back to the Kazekage’s mansion, sensing the darkening presence behind her. Escorted by Matsuri and Yukata, she was shielded by their presence. Their limited protection. But the moment she strayed again; Sakura knew all bets would be off.

And who knows what Sajō is actually willing to throw down?

Would he have her cornered and interrogated? Would he stoop to physically attacking her? Maybe an attack like that would-be-assassin? He was making sure she stayed in line. After their run-in at the council building, she showed herself to be a loose cannon. And if Sajō was in league with Danzo, then it was likely the Root shadow would help him.

She explained all of this to Gaara, leaving out how her contemplation on how far Sajō would go intrigued her. If the old man gave her a reason to fight back, she would. Gaara frowned, concern marring his features.

“It has to be him,” she said.

“It’s at least a place to start,” he agreed.

Sakura smiled widely at him, warmth spreading over her face. Was she blushing? But hope had burgeoned in her chest, and she didn’t care, either way. His eyes softened as he stared back at her, and she had to push down the sudden urge to throw her arms around him.

“I can help,” she said. It wasn’t meant as a reprimand, but Gaara’s face shifted into stony seriousness.

“I know,” he said, his voice low and ashamed. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

She nodded. “You know… I can handle myself.”

“I know–”

“I just…”

Sakura glanced around the rooftop, remembering another night when he’d followed her up here and she’d killed a masked assassin. It felt like years had passed since then. Being here for the first time since then brought it all back. The blood on her hands. The rain gently trying, and failing, to wash it away. Her mind spasming in ecstasy at the opportunity to finally get to kill something. When she eventually turned back to Gaara she found him looking around in a similar manner, a faraway, contemplative expression on his face.

Does he think of that night often, too?

“We never talked about that night,” she said, and suddenly had his full attention again. “I killed a man–”

“Who was trying to kill you,” he interrupted, but she kept going, unimpeded.

“–right here. I tore into him. And I know you know I took pleasure in it.” She inhaled deeply, her breath shaky, and ignoring the way he looked pensive. “And I know you know… that I’m not…” She struggled to find the right way to explain how she’d lost the plot without sounding dramatic. But it wouldn’t come. Instead, she tried another angle. “Sometimes it comes in flashes. I’ll be okay one moment and then… I’ll just want to dig my kunai into something. Or even my bare hands. That ache. That desire.” She sighs. “I know you understand.”

Because you used to be out of control too went unsaid.

“And I see things…” She cut herself off quickly, not wanting to go further down that rabbit hole.

Gaara’s eyes had widened slightly at that admission, but he didn’t say anything. She was grateful for that.

Anyway…

“I’m not all there, I know. But I’m not so far gone that–”

“You’re not crazy, Sakura. You’re not worthless or useless or unworthy.” Gaara narrowed his eyes at her. His hands twitched, like he too was fighting the urge for them to embrace. She longed for that warmth again, shifting the weight between her feet nervously.

He stared at her intensely and she swallowed heavily in a vain attempt to stop the flow of tears. They stuck in the corner of her eyes in warning, and she tried so hard to keep them from falling, clenching her fists, digging her nails into her hands. Whatever she needed to do. Sakura nodded her head in agreement even as she refused to accept his sweet words.

But her gratitude towards this man was so strong that she couldn’t restrain the single sob from ripping out of her mouth. Now, she couldn’t stop the light tears now gathering along her eyelashes, threatening to obscure her vision. Sakura hugged herself as Gaara reached out to wipe the tears away. He was so tender and considerate. She felt like she was going to break from his kindness. It was good. But it was also torture.

Even after his outbursts and stubbornness to keep her in the dark, she couldn’t begrudge him forgiveness.

Sakura sniffed and leaned into his touch lightly, even as she was unable to bring herself to look at him. He cupped her cheek for a few moments, just holding his hand still against her before slowly wiping at her eyes again. When he removed his hand completely, it wasn’t done hastily or roughly. She didn’t feel rejected. She felt calmer. More in control.

“Sakura… I…”

What could he say? She didn’t know.

“Let’s go on that date.”

But apparently, he does.

She started, looking up at him in surprise. That came out of nowhere. But to be fair, it was something they’d already talked about. Once she got over the initial shock, Sakura found herself smiling her way through the mild panic at the thought of officially dating him.

“Now?”

He nodded.

“It’s a bit late.”

Gaara smiled wryly. “I don’t sleep much, and you don’t… have to go to the wedding planner tomorrow.”

That was true. It was officially her day off. She’d planned to spend it in the training grounds and also use some of that time to hone her ink crafting skills again. Sakura no longer felt the compulsion to escape Suna, though a deep seeded feeling of unease from merely being in Suna still ate at her. Everything she did now was just to pass the time, out of habit, or necessity. But this… yeah, she wanted to change things up a bit.

“O-okay.” She cleared her throat. “Yes. Let’s… uh,” she blushed, “go on that date.”

Gaara must have been thinking about this more than she realised. He rattled off a few ideas, all of which she could picture being interrupted and annoyed by the ever-present Root shadow in her wake. But several of the ideas sounded like they might just be in a no-go zone for her stalker.

Only one way to find out.

And it was a shame her mirage couldn’t be kept out of things as easily.

Sakura realised, as Gaara tentatively explained how this place and that place were in high security areas and had amazing views of the village, that of course the Shadow wasn’t allowed in all areas of Suna. She could’ve slapped herself for not thinking of it earlier. It was even likely he wasn’t allowed anywhere near Suna’s shinobi academy. All of this must have been covered back when they’d arrived and Baki had run down official rules to them both. She hadn’t been paying attention back then.

So many places I could’ve lost him in. Buried him, more like.

“Something casual,” Gaara was saying, bringing Sakura’s attention back to their impending date. Were they just going somewhere casual? Or was he talking about their relationship? Or maybe what they were going to wear? Well, there wasn’t anything casual about being engaged. It was still a farce, but it no longer felt trivial to her.

Okay, she could do this. She cleared her throat. “Yes, casual.”

Was that a smirk?

“We’ll need somewhere with food,” she added, ignoring the flush that his smirk had invoked along her body. They were both acutely aware neither of them had eaten their dinner. But Sakura didn’t want some homemade food for this. “Or money to buy some.”

“There are a number of acceptable vendors open this time of night.”

“Right.”

“I asked you out,” he said, his face tinging pink. “I will pay any and all fees.”

She wasn’t going to argue with that, since she was flat broke. It wasn’t like Danzo cared to pay her for any of her missions. She inwardly scoffed at the notion. The only things she owned were from before his takeover or what she’d managed to steal over the years. She would have to go through the clothes in the wardrobe in her bedroom. Again. At least there more options to choose from now, since both Matsuri and Yukata had made a point of restocking that threadbare closet.

“And I’ll change into something less... I mean more comfortable.” She spluttered. “I mean something casual.” She bit her lip in embarrassment. They were a pair of tomatoes. “Meet you back here in fifteen?”

Gaara nodded, his smile infectious as she returned it before turning on the spot and leaving him alone on the roof. She hadn’t even thought to ask him to use his sand, perhaps because she was still subconsciously remembering the ink creatures. They needed to be dealt with first, before she went anywhere.

Gaara will wait.

She knew he would.

.:.

The night was alive with the sounds and lights that made up the heart of Suna.

And the hounding footsteps of her eternal stalker. The closer they moved towards the lights and sounds, the further the Root retreated into the shadows. It faded into the background but refused to disappear completely. She would not turn her head to give it the attention it craved.

Instead, Sakura took in the sights and sounds, feeling like a proper tourist for the first time in her life. Gaara took her down a small path that led from the Kazekage mansion to the larger maze of interconnected paths to the thoroughfare of the village. From this narrow road, all other paths diverged. And his chosen path opened up into a lively and festival area.

There was no official looking celebration or staged performance, but the atmosphere had a similar ambience to them both. And the people were in merriment as though there really was a carnival going on. Sakura wondered if this was a new thing, because of the tensions of the Cold War and people just wanting to forget for a time, or if Suna had always occasionally held large-scaled revelries. Civilians behind the walls of any village, hidden and safer than most, couldn’t understand what it was really like out there, surely.

Enough of the doom and gloom.

The Root shadow followed as they moved deeper into the edge of the festivities, where the crowd was thinnest, keeping away from the louder groups. Far away. Some people turned to look at them; they recognised Gaara, despite his casual long styled jinbei, but Sakura’s casual shirt and trousers would not have screamed her identity more than her shocking pink hair. Even drab, it stood out. Fortunately, the crowd was sparse, having died down from the dinner rush, which meant the menu selections were limited but that suited them just fine.

Sakura tried not to notice how many people there really were. Nor the concerned look on Gaara’s face when he clearly noticed her anxiety. A few vendors sat on the outskirts of this rabble and Gaara steered them towards the first of the street food merchants, his hand on the small of her back. Sakura eyed the yakisoba but ultimately decided on yakitori. Gaara chose the same.

“I cannot take your money, Lord Kazekage,” the flustered merchant waved his hands frantically, when Gaara went to pay for it. “A treat for your lady friend. On the house.”

Sakura inhaled deeply, not wanting to speak for fear of setting off her anxiety. There were enough eyes on her. And the Shadow was ever present, even in the background. She took a deep breath and followed Gaara as he led her to an open dining area that was mostly empty. They sat on the tableless chairs and ate, just enjoying the distantly happy atmosphere and their silent company. It was oddly comfortable.

There was a tradition in Suna, or so Gaara had told her on the walk down the paths to this district. He’d learned about it from his brother. Like bar hopping in Konoha, this was called stall hopping – on dates or festival nights, going from one vendor to the next, buying a single, small portion of food, then moving onto the next vendor to repeat the process. It sounded interesting. Having finished their seasoned chicken, they now had their meat. Their animal protein.

The next stall had to be different. That was the tradition.

With Gaara’s arm pressed lightly and confidently against Sakura’s lower back, they continued to the next stall, which specialised in rice and seaweed as their main ingredients. Here, the vendor owner also refused Gaara’s money and ladled their plates with a serving of Onigiri and a shrimp tempura roll and ushered them to some seats nearby.

Sakura supposed it was good for business too, having the Kazekage seen at their stall.

“No, no, Lord Kazekage! I will not have it!” The third vendor followed the example of the previous ones, refusing Gaara’s money as well.

He was flushed at the intensity of their refusals and Sakura had to hide a smile behind her hand.

“Looks like they like you too much,” she whispered.

“Your lady friend will eat for free too.”

Gaara had clearly never actually done anything like this before. The novelty was something to behold. They both ordered a small bowl of miso soup, and this time chose to sit closer to the stall as they consumed their food. Sakura took the opportunity to study him as he delicately sipped at his miso, not bothering with the seaweed within the soup.

His sharp features made her feel nostalgia for the days when a pretty face would have her bumbling over her words or blushing just thinking about some boy’s eyes on her. She closed her eyes as images of Sasuke glaring at her popped into her mind. Her innocent, naïve days were over.

“They like you too,” Gaara whispered softly, and she looked over to see that he’d finished already. He wasn’t looking at her, but she took comfort from the gentle smile on his lips as he looked out over the scant crowd.

Her heart was hammering in her chest, but she tried to ignore it. She’d never been on a date before but had gossiped in her early years of puberty about all the different ways to go about it and how the boy in question would dote on her. However, none of them had involved stall hopping for a street vendor mixed with Kaiseki styled meals for an on the move dinner.

If only we could have done this without a stalker watching our every move.

She pointedly ignored the mostly invisible monster. When they were done, Sakura wanted the next stall to be a dessert one. Gaara pulled a face at the sweets before him, and Sakura laughed at the way he fake-coughed like it would get him out of helping her choose something.

Gaara turned his nose up at the dumplings and imagawayaki that Sakura had pointed out, making her giggle more like she was a real girl on a date this time. He really didn’t like sweets. There was no fried ice-cream, which she assumed he’d like better, but she convinced him to try some savory senbei. He didn’t flinch at the taste, and she grinned at him like she’d won a prize. His skin flushed a light pink, but he said nothing.

This merchant also refused his money and Sakura found herself comforting Gaara’s obvious unease by rubbing her hand along his lower back. The move surprised them both but except for a moment’s hesitation, she didn’t let it stop her from continuing. Until their food came and she focused on the task of consuming her dumplings without choking from embarrassment.

Their final vendor was a tea stand. This owner was just as impressed by the appearance of the Kazekage and finally, Gaara didn’t bother feeling too awkward about their insistence regarding payment. They took their green tea and decided to stroll out of the district, side by side, arms down, hands brushing against each other every now and then. And like naïve teenagers who’d never done anything romantic before, they wore identical looks of shyness and happiness. It was a great feeling. An unfamiliar feeling, for them both.

“I’m proud of you, Gaara.”

He blinked at her. “I should say the same.”

She smiled as they moved away, the food stalls gave way to a larger area. The food here came in restaurant size, but they bypassed it, keeping to the edge. But all good things do come to an end.

Because I’m a freak.

There was a commotion. Not a violent one by the sounds of it, but it seemed that some people were making a fuss in a crowd nearby. Yelling. Whooping. Drunken noises. Sounds that mimicked festivities that had gotten out of hand. The crowd was larger than Sakura was used to, and she hesitated on the threshold. She closed her eyes for a second to control her breathing, taking a small, unconscious step away from it. Her heart was racing again, her palms sweaty. Gaara stood silently and patiently beside her. He touched her arm softly when it was clear she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Are you okay?”

She couldn’t nod or speak, just trying to focus on her breathing. Her ears were ringing but it came and went quickly. Sakura grasped Gaara’s hand that had touched her, startling him. He took the hint and led her away from it. There were more commotions, but not as loud or out of control this time. The people were just having fun. Sakura didn’t know what had drawn their attention as she was not focusing on anything other than moving her feet and how warm Gaara’s hand felt against her skin.

And as they came to the edge of these newer sounds, she didn’t hesitate. “Let’s have a look.”

“Are you sure?”

He clearly was worried she wouldn’t be able to handle it, and he had reason to. She wasn’t exactly exuding confidence. But Sakura wanted to go down there and just check it out, at least. To find out what had drawn the attention of so many if not the usual things attributed to festivities, like games or fireworks. They didn’t have to stay for long. Just long enough to satisfy her curiosity.

Sakura reached out and entwined their hands before she could stop herself out of embarrassment. “I’ll squeeze your hand when I want to leave.”

He nodded, swallowing heavily and gently squeezing her hand in affirmation.

Okay, then.

Sakura took a deep breath. I can do this.

She’d already endured the inquisitive stares of the scattered people at the street stalls; this was just another step in the right direction. And if she could do all that under the eye of the Root, then she could do anything. It was just another challenge to overcome. And she so desperately wanted to overcome it.

They were recognised of course, and more than one set of eyes drifted to their entwined hands. Her skin felt clammy all of a sudden and a light squeeze from Gaara both set her heart aflutter and calmed her nerves. They only stayed for a few minutes. The lights were bright and the people, laughing and swaying, were loud and friendly. But she’d finally had enough.

Masks.

It was a mask gathering, themed not unlike the Matsuri festival back in Konoha. Not everyone was wearing a mask but there were small groups of impromptu dancers and some scattered musicians. They had the appearance of entertainers who had just come off some kind of travelling troupe but didn’t look out of place. Not like her. Sakura felt underdressed all of a sudden but pushed that anxiety down.

She gently squeezed Gaara’s hand, and he immediately steered them to a path that would lead away from the festivities. Like the interconnected paths she imagined it also led to the thoroughfare. But they didn’t get a chance to use it. There was a cry of something that sounded like frustration and excitement to her right and Sakura stiffened as a clearly very drunk civilian came stumbling as quickly as he could towards them. He made flailing motions with his arms, his face twisted in a grin and nonsensical words on his slurred and unintelligible tongue.

Ugly, rotten teeth. Polished and dangerous.

That peel of laughter wasn’t coming from the drunkard. It was seeping out of the shadows.

Sakura reeled, almost falling over. Gaara held her and she gripped his hand so hard she would’ve broken his sand armour if he’d bothered to wear it. The lights and sounds of the festivities brightened and blinded her. Hazy and screaming. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t ask Gaara for help. She couldn’t do a damn thing.

But true to his promise, Gaara was pulling her to him, flush against his chest. Sand whipped up around them, scaring off the drunkard. Sakura closed her eyes as the Kazekage teleported them away. When her feet hit the ground, she let her head fall forward onto Gaara’s chest. She felt the warmth of his hand on her back as he attempted to soothe her. Face pressed against his chest. Ascending numbers flashing through her mind’s eye. Breathing. Leaning into his embrace. Her body sagged. But she was calming down.

The Shadow is gone.

Sakura lost count of those ascending numbers, not knowing how long it really took for her to come back to herself. But she did. And Gaara moved with her as she pulled away, peering at her. Assessing her. Like he cared. She was learning to love those pale green eyes of his.

Fuck it. Why are you so good to me?

“Why…”

Gaara hushed her as she lost that train of thought. She looked around, realising she did not recognise the area he’d teleported them to. Sakura’s head swivelled around several times as she tried to take in the view. They were in what looked like a forest sanctuary. Or rather the kind of forest that Suna could provide with limited resources. The colour green was everywhere. Gardens. Stone pathways. And a dome nearby that screamed, “there’s a greenhouse inside me!”.

“Where are we?”

“The west gardens,” Gaara said. “This area is out of bounds. Only select individuals are allowed here, and only with my permission.”

More places the Shadow can’t reach.

She felt special. And she loved the place on sight. The foreboding pressure had released, and Sakura suddenly felt lighter than air. “Okay, give me a tour,” she said, not having to force her face to smile.

Gaara nodded, gently taking her hand once more. She soaked it all in as they walked along the path and he explained what she was seeing, in that simple but intelligent way of his. On paper, his words would sound clipped, but they came out so serene and husky that Sakura found herself hypnotised by them.

His voice.

She sighed. They found a bench and she let go of his hand before lowering herself onto it. She felt very nervous as Gaara sat beside her. Inches apart. She couldn’t decide which was worse: the way her libido occasionally went into overdrive around him or her current uncomfortable feeling like she was some virginal teenager who didn’t know how to behave in her own skin.

A shock of light and sound. Sakura whipped her head to the side in time to see an explosion of fireworks. She jumped to her feet quickly and scanned the horizon. Gaara stood and mimicked her pose.

“I forgot about that,” he said slowly, and she understood. This was a rare occurrence. Which meant she didn’t want to miss it.

Sakura took his hand and pulled him along as she raced towards it. Still in the gardens, they found the edge of the gardens that overlooked a significant portion of the village and she let herself fall backwards onto the grass. Gaara chuckled as he lay next to her. They had a great view of the fireworks erupting above the village.

They lay next to each other silently, just watching, leaning back on their elbows, and just enjoying the company. Eventually, the fireworks began to die down and, even though there was no hint of it on the horizon, Sakura was sure the sun wouldn’t be far away.

“Thank-you,” she said softly.

“You’re welcome.”

The stars twinkled. The blackness unable to mask their delight. She smiled at that observation. Sakura wanted to just lay here forever. Forget the Root shadow. Forget Danzo. Forget the council and Sajō and whomever it was that was colluding with the usurper Hokage. She just wanted to lie next to Gaara and forget the world. Or maybe she was more worried about getting too comfortable. The night was very, very late. She suppressed a yawn and had to physically stop herself from just flopping onto her back, in fear she’d fall asleep here and never wake up. Gaara, on the other hand, looked well rested. Or just not tired. Whichever.

She turned her gaze back to the stars. The blinking contrast between sparkles and darkness reminded her suddenly of her ink creatures. The light against the black ink sky. The way they seemed to fight each other for dominance. Yet nothing changed.

For almost a month, Sakura had been trying to find her way. Either a way out of the village or a way out of her own head. A path forward, made of the same stones as the ones in these gardens. And definitely not populated by the noisy nighttime carousers. But now, lying next to Gaara and wondering what this night would mean for their non-relationship, Sakura knew suddenly what to do. It was so very clear now.

She sat up straight and turned to face her fake fiancé turned real date, surprising him. He mirrored her movements, openly curious.

“Gaara,” she said. “I made ink creatures.”

Curiosity turned to confusion on his face. “Creatures?”

“Yes, chakra infused creatures made of ink.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her but remained silent.

“They’re hiding in my bathroom right now,” she added, knowing how weird that sounded.

“Why?”

“Why did I make them or why are they hiding?”

“Both.”

Sakura sighed. “I don’t think it’s a surprise that I didn’t choose to come here. Not under my own volition, anyway.” He nodded. “I… have wanted to leave the moment I arrived.” He didn’t look surprised. “The past few years all I could think of was getting away from Danzo. Especially the last six months, with him sending me on suicide runs.”

Gaara’s eyes widened. “He–”

“Let me get this out, please?”

He nodded again.

She cleared her throat. “I’m an idiot though. Every chance I got to get away, I squandered. Every moment in which I could slip away unseen, I freeze like my life depends on it. On my last mission I almost did leave. I saw the Konoha gate come up as I approached… it was so achingly familiar but alien at the same time. Everything about the Leaf is so… wrong, now. I wanted to get away from it. But I didn’t. Couldn’t bring myself to.” She sighed. “I guess I’m just as useless–”

“Stop.” Gaara scowled at her. “Don’t say that.”

Sakura hadn’t answered his question yet, but he suddenly didn’t seem to care. He rose to his knees and took her hands in his. They were warm and safe and not what she would’ve thought possible. Not for her.

“Sakura…” he trailed off for a moment. “it’s called self-sabotage. People do it to themselves, for years at a time even. It doesn’t make them useless. Or stupid. Or any other thing you’re thinking about yourself right now. None of that is true. I… spoke with a civilian therapist,” he said quickly, and she realised her surprise must’ve registered on her face.

A civilian therapist?

“I know what you’re talking about,” she said. “Its clinical term is Behavioural Dysregulation.”

It was a conscious (or unconscious) habit of doing things that were bad for oneself. It didn’t take a degree in clinical psychology to have heard of it, she supposed. Sakura had done quite a lot of reading on that subject, and similar, before everything went to shit. Lady Tsunade had wanted to begin incorporating mind healing into Konoha’s medical training facility.

Sakura gave a sad smile at that memory.

“Do you think…” Gaara cleared his throat. “You’d talk to one too? About… everything.”

Sakura pulled a face. “I don’t think a civilian would understand.”

The one Tsunade had proposed would’ve included both civilian and ninja therapists, though.

“Right.”

She watched Gaara closely as he released her hands and turned his head away. What he was looking at, she couldn’t tell. But his silence had an air of disappointment and contemplativeness to it.

Well, this sucks.

“I created them to scout out the village.”

He looked at her sharply.

At least he’s looking at me now.

“So, I could see the weakness in the guard patrols and escape.”

“Have you?”

She shook her head. There was no relief on his face, only contemplation. And… was he curious about them?

She decided to presume he was. “You want to see them?”

“I’m curious.”

Sakura flushed. “O-okay.”

They stood quickly and awkwardly. For a moment, neither of them moved, but then the warmth of his hand enveloped hers; his free arm snaking around her waist and holding her tightly. Gaara teleported them directly into her bedroom. Sakura trembled lightly as her feet hit the floor, but whether from nerves or the return of her libido she wasn’t sure. Her skin tingled, so maybe it was excitement. She pulled out of his grip quickly.

“Wait here,” she said and Gaara obeyed. She rushed into the bathroom and low and behold, the bird and snake were still holding onto the carcass.

Snake, she thought. I’ll call the ink snake ‘snake’ and the real, dead one ‘serpent’.

But the question that she needed to answer, and quickly before Gaara grew impatient, was whether or not to bring both. Sakura still wanted to keep secrets from him. She liked him. She trusted him. But she also didn’t trust her faith in him. Some things she just didn’t want to share.

But I told him I made creatures. As in, plural.

She sighed. She could always make more, anyway.

“Let go of the carcass,” she said softly, hoping Gaara didn’t have superhuman hearing. The ink bird released its hold while the snake curled its body for a moment, tightening the hold like a child refusing to behave. Then it was releasing it, dropping the carcass carelessly.

As she stood up, Sakura caught the reflection of herself in the bathroom mirror. It was very different to the underfed and ghastly image she’d seen the last time. She paused then smiled and turned away.

“Come on,” she told them, and the bird hopped along the floor after her. The snake seemed hesitant, and Sakura wondered if maybe she’d done something wrong.

She reached down to grab it, and it quickly wrapped its body around her arm gently as she left the bathroom. The bird twittered as it followed and then screeched at the sight of Gaara. He raised an eyebrow at it. Sakura had no idea it could do that. It didn’t have a syrinx, or any kind of noise making membranes, in its windpipe or otherwise. She wondered if it was just because of her. Sai had never mentioned anything about his creations having the ability to make noise, let alone having personalities.

I’m cracked so they are too.

It made no sense, but she supposed it didn’t matter.

It’s probably all just in my head.

Gaara watched them curiously. Sakura watched him nervously. He made no reaction to the noises the bird was making so she decided it was just all in her head. Even if he did twitch slightly when it went to peck him. Fake birds were not faster than a Kazekage. She decided to give him a rundown of her intentions with the creatures. He listened with rapt attention and Sakura found herself becoming more and more excited that someone was hearing this. Finally. She was rambling but it was kind of fun to have someone else to share this with.

“You used them to scout the village perimeter?” He asked when her rambling finally came to an end.

Sakura nodded, unable to stop the flush from heating up her neck. Was it okay that she’d done that? Probably not. But he didn’t seem put out. Maybe he was thinking about how it could help with that councillor? Or the entire council. Or maybe it was just her wishful thinking.

“What will you do with them now?”

So much for him thinking of this strategically.

“I want to help you.”

Gaara stood and walked over to her. He stopped inches in front of her. The movement could be confused with an attempt to intimidate her, but she knew he wouldn’t do that. Instead of trying to stare her down or talk her out of it, he reached out and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. The small part of her that still responded to romantic and kind gestures was weak at the knees right now. Not the rest of her. Just the girlish side. She swallowed heavily, overwhelmed with gratitude.

“Okay,” he said finally.

“Okay?”

He smiled. “Okay.”

Sakura laughed. “Okay.”

The way he was looking at her… she desperately wanted to kiss him. Or for him to kiss her. But she knew he wouldn’t. Gaara would not presume such a forward action. He was poised. He was a gentleman. But gods did she want him to toss that aside and just fucking snog her. Maybe get in a few gropes and pelvis grinding.

Sakura forced herself to relax, realising she’d tensed up the more she contemplated the idea of Gaara pressing her against the wall. He didn’t look fazed by her weird demeanour. The snake tightened itself around her arm for a moment, but she ignored it. It wasn’t important. Trying to figure out whether or not to grab the Kazekage and pull his face down to meet her in a soul-searing kiss was important.

She cleared her throat.

“It’s late,” he said suddenly. “I should go.”

There was a flush on his face she’d overlooked in her internal musing. She was proud of herself for that. But her stomach clenched at the thought of letting him leave right now. She nodded though. It was very late. They were both going to be sleeping in a little longer in the morning.

All that does is make me wonder what he looks like first thing in the morning. Fuck.

What were the protocols here? Kiss him on the cheek? On the mouth? Make-out heavily then act like it was no big deal? Pepper him with kisses along his jawline, down to his neck and… fuck.

Focus.

Gods. Her libido again. She wanted to give into it so bad. But Gaara wasn’t moving, and she had to make a decision. She decided to just go with a peck on the cheek. It could be excused away much easier. Sakura stood higher to peck his cheek softly but couldn’t bring herself to pull away once her lips touched him. The warmth of his skin, the bright tinging of his ears; he was as excited as she was. That’s what she told herself. Why else would her lips against him make him blush?

Maybe I could…

She took a chance and turned her face towards his. They were closer than they’d ever been, now breathing in each other’s air. Sakura remained on her tiptoes. Gaara lowered his head slightly, but not far enough.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

When he licked his lips, she knew. Sakura tilted her chin up, angled her head to keep from knocking their noses together and pressed her lips to his softly. Their eyes closed at the same time. She parted her lips to envelop his then tugged on his bottom lip gently before pulling away completely. At the last moment, he’d opened his mouth slightly in a gasp.

No tongues were used in the making of this fucking perfect first kiss.

It was a chaste way to the end the night and despite her body wanting, no demanding more, she maintained their newfound distance, pressing a hand against his chest as they both recovered from it. Gaara had responded to her kiss, albeit in a small way. That was enough. She would continue this with him later, now that she knew he wanted her as much as she wanted him. It was late and she was suddenly very, very tired.

After a few moments, he hastily repeated his goodbyes in that cool but cute bumbling way she’d learned to love and left.

She smiled widely. For the first time for a long time, Sakura could say she was profoundly happy.

.:.

[max-as-hell]

Bestie when's the book

Hey there!

For everyone who followed me & T3S back in 2017 (and is, for some reason, still around), here's my long-overdue update on the status of T3S!

Some background: I wrote a moderately popular Max/Preston camp camp fic several years ago called "The Sparrow Still Sings." T3S followed a 24-year-old Max as he returns to Camp Campbell to be a counselor.

About a year after I finished the fic, I decided that it was a good enough story to potentially publish. I wanted to go the traditional route--which meant querying agents and hoping to find a print publisher. This also meant that the story could no longer exist on AO3. For that reason, I deleted it. It was a difficult decision to make--especially since I knew that quite a few people in the fandom really enjoyed it.

But being a published author was something that I'd wanted since I was a kid, so I decided to go through with it. I revised the entirety of T3S, taking care to change any copyrighted material within it. Then, I went off to query.

While I did get one full manuscript request (which, let's be real, is probably more than I deserved) I mostly received rejections. Automated rejections.

I tried rewriting T3S several times, but despite my best efforts, I never really managed to fix the things that were fundamentally wrong with the story and the writing. Turns out, I wasn't good enough writer at 18 to be published (shocker, I know).

So what now?

Recently, spurred on by a kind DM, I decided to take one last crack at T3S. The story needs some fundamental reworking--which means it's going to take some time to write up a new draft. BUT the good news is this: I'm no longer considering a traditional publishing route. Once the story is finished, it WILL be indie published. And, as a thank-you to everyone who read it back when it was a fic, I'm going to provide a tumblr-exclusive code for y'all to access a digital version of the published work for FREE.

In the meantime, I'll be active on this blog again with updates about how the story's progressing + the revision process + posting teasers of my favorite new lines and scenes. & of course, I'll probably end up watching the seasons of Camp Camp that I've missed. Feel free to ask me any questions; I'd be happy to answer them :)

Thank you to everybody for your patience! I know it sucks when an author takes down a fic, so I hope that with this post, I can begin to make it up to y'all!

[torilaa]

The Memory Shaper Blog

So, recently, I was combing through my files of writing - trying to break out of a nasty bit of writer’s block for my fun kotor fanfiction project - when I found an ancient piece of text. The novel I tried writing in college. I made the mistake of reading it and once I did I kinda…missed it. So. I dug through all the world building docs I made - the terrible first draft that I discarded (where the plot went nowhere literally what a load of junk). Then found the second draft which also went nowhere. And finally I found this. I wrote it in 2018 in an attempt to restart and since I had no one to hold me accountable to continue I stopped. Also thanks to my general depression at the time…well it didn’t help.

I think my New Years resolution is going to be to update this blog post with my progress on completing this science fiction/fantasy novel I dreamed up years ago (this doesn’t mean I’ll abandon my other projects of course. Actually I’m half way done with the next chapter of Fragmented so I’d say it gave me a boost of creative energy).

So, here you go! The first pages and first draft of The Memory Shaper. Many things will be subject to change of course and I’ll talk about the world I made in more blog posts. I hope sharing will help egg me on to complete this finally 😅!

Snow slapped into Martin's face—adrenaline peaked—noise became next to nothing against the 200 kilometer-per-hour winds. His stolen pilo-bike self-adjusted for the city's outer-limit weather, and he climbed high above the mountains towards the countryside. It was only in the snow and trees where he felt like he was free. Not stuffed within bare walls. Not nodding his head at the instructors who drolled on about how his “sacrifice” would mean future generations could control the depths of their minds like ant farms. No, within the winds, the trees, nature, he could watch whatever he wanted and believe in whatever he pleased. Maybe even…forget what he wanted like he used to. 

Now? Now he had no choice but to remember. 

The pilo-bike jolted as his mind wandered. A memory would come to him each time he rode. He could never use his Omitral to forget it.

(Not that he could use it to forget anyway).

Dad had smiled down at him as he adjusted the speed of the engine of his old rusted bike to match the tolerance level an eleven-year-old would have. He remembered (yes, remembered) how he got onto it before Dad finished the adjustments.

“No, no, Martin.” Dad chuckled. “Get down.”

He didn't get down. Dad never forced him off though. Instead, he worked around him and continued making adjustments—licking his lips as always did in concentration. His long red tangled hair—like Martin’s own—had been pulled back in order to avoid being caught in parts. It revealed the scar on his forehead that he rarely if ever showed. It was the one he got from an explosion during “the war.” 

Martin gripped the slim handlebars and imagined how riding it had looked in the O-Vids.

“I wanna go fast.”

“No.

“Please.”

Dad huffed. “You'll forget if you do, son.”

“But I'm eleven.”

“Eleven. Twelve. Until you're fifteen, your brain chemistry will work against you. Last week you stubbed a toe. You forgot it and lunch.” He sighed. “It was a good lunch too.”

“I won’t forget, I promise!”

Dad gave him that look.

Martin looked back. 

Dad won the looking contest. 

He groaned.

Dad knew everything about the Omitral—he worked within the Order of Representative's laboratory in New Arizona when Martin had been too young to control his memories during “the war.” Even though Martin couldn't remember most of his early life, he remembered how little he saw his father then compared to how much he saw him now. And now (then) they lived in the middle of nowhere. The middle of nowhere in a redwood forest on a planet Martin…didn’t recall.

Dad grinned and patted the pilo-bike’s hover modules. “Ok! Now, let me squeeze on...”

Martin bloated his cheeks as he remained still—refusing to move. He wanted to ride it himself. Experience the control himself. He yelped when Dad picked him up by the armpits and sat him down this time with enough room for both of them.

Instantly, blue-colored HUDs glowed near the handlebars and multiple numbers and dials swirled in the dash that hadn't existed before. Martin fought against reaching out to touch the HUDs—they didn't exist after all, and he didn't want to look like a little kid that still thought the images produced by the Omitral were real. So, he faced forward and waited for his father's instructions.

“There really isn't much to it.”

Martin blinked in surprise. “Really?”

“Really. It's more of a...feeling. Like when you want to watch an O-Vid or read, do you have to think hard for it to happen?” When he shook his head, Dad placed Martin’s smaller hands onto the handlebars. “Just feel and it will happen, Martin.”

And it happened, first, with slow spurts. Martin imagined the pilo-bike rising off the ground and it did. Then, he imagined the revving of the engine, and Dad flinched when it revved a bit too loud. Finally, he imagined moving forward and—

“Prouset? Hello! Martin Prouset?” A crackle. “Fucking neurotic—are you kidding me right now?”

The world came back and wet snow slammed into his face. Too cold. He cursed and lowered the guard of his helmet before ignoring the annoying blare that erupted in his ears.

A hiss. “I know you can hear me, dipshit. Where the fuck are you? I've been trying to reach you for five minutes. Don't tell me you're out in that storm because if you are...oh shit, please don't tell me you are. No. Why did I get assigned to someone crazy like you?”

Martin pushed his ear with his helmet but it wouldn't stop the sound of Jax's grating voice. Someone hacked into his Omitral again to stop him from muting. Or it was getting fried.

Great. 

“Yes, I am. In the storm—that is. Cold but I’ve felt worse sitting inside that fridge of a building.”

“Are you insane? These snow storms kill people. And they won't give us our assignment until you come back so unless you want to—”

“Be exiled and live on Earth? Probably better to live in that warzone than here at this rate.”

Instead of continuing the fast path over the trees, he flipped over and began the trek back to base. Jax wasn’t going to shut up anytime soon and he couldn’t mute the bastard.

“Is this a joke to you?”

“I mean, you're a joke so yes.”

“Ha, ha, very funny. Prouset is a clown.” 

“That isn't my name.”

Jax went silent. “This again?”

Yet, Martin didn't say anything back to his partner's annoyed retort. Because no matter how many people insisted that his last name was Prouset, he wasn't going to believe it.

Unfortunately, Jax wasn’t going to be silent on the way back. “This is the third time this week you’ve stolen a patrol’s pilo-bike for a joy ride. Don’t you have an icar? And how did you steal it anyway—it’s biometrically locked.”

“I asked for a favor. And I can’t exactly feel my own mortality in an icar, Jax.”

“Oh, so you do want to die.”

Maybe. Once.

“Can you stop whining in my ear? I can’t…mute you. Omitral on the fritz.”

“I told you to let Doctor Bennet look at that.”

Martin scoffed. “Doctor Bennet is a drunken hack. The Reps barely pay him so he gives less than two shits.”

“It’s better than having an episode, Prouset. Remember Thom? He went crazy…jumped off the top of the tower...”

“It’s fine.”

…

And that’s all I had. There are other drafts of this concept - of a universe where people can control their memories with the Omitral. None of them reeeeally got the concept across though and Martin was a boring plank of wood in those. And Jax too really. And the plot made no sense. Honestly this may not be the first chapter - I might write something with the villain’s POV as the first chapter. But anyway…this post was mostly self-indulgent and a way to motivate myself to keep going honestly. I’ll keep updating as I keep writing!

[ratralsis]

Brief update

I haven't written anything long in a while because I haven't had a ton of time.

My latest writing class ended a few weeks ago. The course report I filled out wound up hurting my tutor's feelings so much that, even after I wrote multiple emails apologizing, she didn't want to continue tutoring me in the next class. I didn't think anything I wrote in the report would surprise her, but I was wrong.

It's what I get for trying to be honest. I wound up saying at the end of my apology email that they should either ask me for my feedback more often than one time at the end of the course, to avoid being surprised like that again, or not ask for it at all. I'll do the work either way.

Writing classes are hard work. I don't view them as supposed to be fun. I can write for fun on my own time. And I do. You have no idea how much I cracked myself up writing last month that showing a non-gamer a photo of Squall from FF8 would literally kill them, and that the UN is actually an organization devoted to wiping FF8 from the Earth. That's fucking hilarious to me, man. Love that shit. Didn't get a single note. Most of what I write doesn't. Doesn't bother me. It did bother me when that Doctor Worm story didn't get any notes. I've said that before, but it does still bug me a little. That was a good fucking story, and I don't care who says it isn't.

My cat, Tina, nearly died of some kind of nasal blockage or respiratory infection. For $65, she got a quick exam from a vet and some amoxicillin, and now, nine days after starting that (and with a couple of days left of the stuff to go), she seems much better. But she hasn't jumped or run to play with the cat toy in over a month. I think that her new normal will never be as good as it was even three months ago. That's life. The vet she's "doing great for her age." Her age is 89 in cat years. "Alive" is great. "Typical for her age" would be dead. It's like if you went to the gym and saw an 89-year-old woman walking on a treadmill going 3 miles per hour. "Wow," you'd say. "A twenty-minute mile? That's great for her age." But that's because most people who were born 89 years ago can't walk at all, because they're fucking dead. So are most cats who were born 18 years and three months ago, so, yes, Tina is doing great for her age.

I discovered a small leak in the roof of my garage this afternoon. I called my home insurance company and will hopefully have someone able to give me an estimate on what it will take to fix it soon so that I can determine if I need to make a claim or not. There have been multiple bad storms where I live recently, just like there have been literally everywhere on the continental US recently. Where I live has been pretty mild, comparatively.

I'm hoping it won't cost more than a couple thousand dollars to fix. I can afford that much, though it will hurt, a lot. I've been saving like crazy all year, and that will undo much of that saving, but it won't even put me as low as I was last year when I was literally begging for money on the internet.

It's been over two months since I said on my Animal Crossing blog that I would post my photos from Leap Day and the few days before it. I haven't done that yet, and that really does upset me. I try hard to be a man of my word.

I'm not talented. I'm not charismatic. I have very few innate abilities. There's only one thing I know how to do, and that's put in the work. I updated that Animal Crossing blog every day for nearly a decade, so believe when I say that 1) I know a fucking thing or two about a work ethic, and 2) I'm sorry I haven't posted those photos yet. It's been difficult to do much writing lately that isn't for my novel.

I had to throw away everything I'd been working on on the latest draft about three months into my last class. I'm still working on catching up. I have sixty days before the next class starts. I have ten chapters left to write before I can call this draft done. Can I do it? Of course I can. Who the fuck do you think I am?

But it means I don't have a ton of time to write for fun, or watch TV for fun, or play video games for fun, or anything for fun. Every night, after dinner, it's an hour of writing, at least.

It's not supposed to be fun. Even chess grandmasters, the ones who love the game so much that they become the best in the world, don't get that good by playing casually. They work at it. The only way to get to that kind of level is to work at it.

There's no such thing as good enough. There's better than the last thing, which is always possible, and there's perfection, which never is. That's all there is.

I'll be better later. Probably. I don't like to complain, so I try very hard to do it very rarely, but sometimes I go so long without saying anything at all that I think even complaining might be better than nothing.

Let me know if I'm wrong.

Let me know if I'm right.

Let me know anything at all. I don't like screaming into the void like this, but I sure have been doing it for over twenty years, haven't I.

[spacetimeodysseyofjane]

From The Vault: 11 Mar 2019

Having fun, eh? How are you doing? I am sure that you are still hurting but kudos to you! getting better each day! You have already did a lot of things, I know its a long long way, but youve already started it.

Its okay to be sad at times, no one is stopping you from feeling that way. Your feelings are valid. And dont ever think that you are weak for feeling sad. Just dont go back to anything/anyone that brought you pain.

Keeping yourself busy is helping you, please, please, continue being productive. Dont let any frustrations get into you. You need to build yourself up again.

You did it before, you can do it again.

Fast forward! I did it! Visited my old journal and I found this. Grabe! it felt like a century ago! To be honest, I have forgotten most of what happened! One of my bestfriends told me that I am so good at repressing memories! hahaha! I guess, it was legit painful for me that my brain pushed all the bad things to my unconscious. lolz.

I am trying to recall events, but I can't clearly remember. I just know that it hurt so bad that I want to start anew. I deleted everything, didnt leave a single convo from any social platforms. I also unfollowed and unfriended people who are not good for me. During those times, I want to disappear! I was even praying to God to give me amnesia! hahaha!

What happened last 2019 was super strange to me, I wasn't broken because someone left me. I was heartbroken because I failed myself. I betrayed myself in many ways. I allowed things to happen even though I am aware that I'll regret the outcome. I was heartbroken because I hurt myself and I hurt other people.

_________________________

2023 UPDATE!

i'm cleaning up my tumblr drafts, i wrote this last year. i dont know why i didnt share it. lol. i just realized that i've been blogging my life since i was a teen and here i am, turning 30 and still doing it :D i'm glad i documented my life. i know it's weird coz i dont want this to be out in the public but writing is therapeutic for me and i'll never get tired of blogging.

anyway, there's a strange feeling after reading the post. i know that it happened but i cant remember the exact feeling. and i am happy about it lol i sure dont want to experience that again. but there was a point in my life before that it hurts so much that i thought i will never get over the pain. and now it's gone. everything will pass. :)

funny coz while writing this, so yesterday by hilary duff is playing

Laugh it off and let it go and When you wake up it will seem so yesterday, so yesterday Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be okay?

[streetlights-was-taken]

🚗: world building notes (2021 version)

as of this writing, I have not started on the draft for life in the rearview, although I've been conceptualizing it on and off for a few years. the most I had was this summary:

"Venti… I think we just solved The Anniversary Problem™ with a demon summoning ritual."

Lumine figures that it’s just a natural consequence of being childhood friends, but she knows that her familiarity with Venti runs much deeper in ways she couldn’t explain. But third-and-fourth-wheeling on her brother’s wedding planning with his fiancé just might! After all, what better way to look back fondly on their relationship than with a perfectly normal road trip through some of the country’s most romantic weekend getaways?

Featuring: snow cabin tours, wedding cake testing, skydiving hazards, meteorology, aliens, deciphering a witch’s ancient heirloom, and an innocent attempt to wake the old gods of Mondstadt. You know, for science.

but since the purpose of this blog is to document my writing journey, I figured I should post my notes from two years ago.

whether the fic ends up following my notes is something we'll just have to see. if it goes off in a new direction, I think it will be cool to at least see the differences from then and now.

aside from the formatting and some rephrasing, everything posted here below the cut is an exact copy-paste from before, which you can tell because the text won't be in lowercase anymore lol. text in orange will serve as commentary from present me as I was formatting this.

notes: life in the rearview (2021)

Here are my world building notes for life in the rear view (it’s always sunny in mondstadt)! I wanted to keep this documented somewhere so I can look back on my writing process, and it might help me as a guide for future fics, if applicable. (thank god my past self is meticulous about this. finding all these notes have been a godsend for kickstarting the writing process).

I tried to connect as much in-game references and lore as I could, though errors are bound to happen. I would also like to note that this was written during version 1.6 so that’s the most updated lore I knew at the time.

I wrote my world building notes before writing the fic as a sort of guide for myself. The notes tackle six main topics:

Reincarnation (and witches)

Modern Mondstadt (and Venti)

Albedo (and Klee)

The Twins

Paimon

Applied Phlebotinum (aka "modern science")

So if you’re interested in reading, feel free to just skip to the topic you want to read about because this document is already way too long as it is.

i. Reincarnation (and witches)

Reincarnation: It seems to me that there are recurring themes in genshin when it comes to the repurposing of past memories/souls (to what extent, we don’t know yet in canon). I knew I wanted to write a modern AU + reincarnation AU + amateur historian AU, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted the characters to be rebirthed (new lifetime, same characters but with memories possibly, temporarily locked) or reincarnated (new lifetime, new characters based on old souls but they’re basically new/separate individuals from their past selves).

I knew I wanted some characters to not be reincarnated though (Albedo, Klee, the witches, any “outsiders” of Teyvat). From there, I reasoned out that characters would need to be reincarnated instead of rebirthed. They aren’t an extension of an old soul in a new lifetime. They are a new version of themselves in a new era; essentially, individuals different from their past, although who they were in the past will largely shape the foundation of their being. From what I understand, this seems more in line with how reincarnation works in gnosticism (if you haven’t ascended by the time you reach the end of your mortal life, you get a do over). (reading this now in the present, this is also close to the idea of samsara and how nahida is a new incarnation of the irminsul's avatar, rather than being an extension of greater lord rukkhadevata. past me, you were totally on the right track.)

In this AU, reincarnation is one of the “fundamental laws” of Teyvat, and the only way to escape reincarnation is to ascend, to be an outsider (twins, Alice), or to become an "anomaly" of Teyvat (Albedo). In the game, ascension is handled through Celestia. In this AU, which is of modern Teyvat, it’s through the witches of Hexenzirkel.

Quick Timeline: Traveler Lumine does what she does in canon. At the end of the game, she is able to control the “loom of fate” and “reweave the threads of all fate” (whatever this means). The details aren’t really that important; what’s important are the consequences.

So in this AU, after the divine war, Lumine (traveler) and Aether (abyss twin) remove the false sky, constellations, visions, anything that holds people back from truly forging their own destinies. There is no “fate” as written by Celestia/stars/whatever. There is no longer “Celestia” as we currently know them in game. However, I think the triquetra symbolizes the loop of abyss/teyvat/heavens and is another fundamental symbol of cycles. It’s another law of Teyvat, so something has to replace Celestia in the loop — for this AU, it's the Hexenzirkel witches (more on this below).

Humanity starts anew and moves into a godless era where the seven archons no longer reign. Around 1000 years after this, the twins basically retire alongside the archons and instead of leaving Teyvat for another world, they decide to make Teyvat their new home. However, Teyvat has its own laws and the twins are “outsiders” of Teyvat. To truly become part of Teyvat and retire at the same time, they integrate themselves into the world through reincarnation.

Hexenzirkel House: So the question of reincarnating gods and mystical beings in a modern world begs the question of: "well, what about their parents? what about their true forms?" And I just did not want to deal with that, so I made the witches of Hexenzirkel take care of them lol. At least they'll be able to address any of the kids' more… peculiar upbringing needs, and anything that needs handwaving can easily be done so by the witches of Hexenzirkel.

This brings us to the question of, “well what about Mona?”

I really love the idea of Mona becoming a respected mage, so I’ve decided she’s one of the few people, like Albedo, who knows what’s going on. In fact, since she’s part of the Hexenzirkel and a resident of Mondstadt (though in canon we don’t know yet where she hails from). I thought it would be cool if she was the one who can answer Lumine’s questions about Paimon and Venti’s questions about the winds in the fic. We also know that she talks with Albedo and Klee a lot, which is convenient for this fic. (wow, even during v1.6 I was already on the almonaklee camp)

Okay so what about this thing I mentioned earlier about Hexenzirkel replacing Celestia? So since the witches explore the Irminsul trees and are probably the closest to the “truth of the world” (whatever that is), we can just assume they found a way to preserve history/memories/selves in better ways than Teyvat can, and this can be thought of as another form of “ascension”.

This isn’t really explored deeply in the fic so I didn’t bother working out the details of this lol. Suffice to say, the witches (and Klee) represent the future.

ii. Mondstadt (and Venti)

Mondstadt: I know that in-game, it doesn't take long to walk from Stormbearer Point to Dragonspine, but I see that as a game thing. I think you would still need a car to get around when teleport waypoints don't exist anymore.

I also think that Mondstadt has the potential to actually retain its religion the most out of the seven nations, simply because Venti wasn't such an involved god (unlike Zhongli who literally faked his death in front of his people in order to retire). Diluc also mentions in the prologue that in-game Mondstadt hasn’t seen the anemo archon in a thousand years, and yet look how devoted his people are. I think that, to some extent, that applies to modern Mondstadt still, so the air of mystery and magic remains. Mondstadt is also a romantic nation that will probably find the idea of a wind god very poetic, so even if there aren't a lot of believers, belief in the anemo archon will still persist in the city's culture and literature even as the rest of the world embraces the godless era.

Venti and Meteorology: Why did I make him a meteorologist instead of an artist when he’s usually seen as a character who is into poems and music? Well, meteorology is the study of atmospheric phenomena and how it affects weather. I wanted to relate Venti to the winds, and I also wanted to give a nod to how Mondstadt has had a history of storms and blizzards (e.g. pre-Decarabian era, Dragonspine) but in-game it’s now just a very idyllic, peaceful land. There’s even an NPC in Stormbearer Point that says her whole family used to watch for storms but there haven’t been any since Barbatos came. Interestingly, Venti’s ascension material is the Hurricane Seed from the anemo hypostasis.

I think Venti’s first love has always been Mondstadt, and one of his first acts as an archon was "[shattering] the ice and snow and [splitting] the mountains with a divine wind." Mondstadt's greatest mystery in modern times is its flattened mountain ranges and curiously good weather (which, ironically, were his own doing) so I felt that him going into meteorology would be an interesting way for him to connect with his past. To work out his more playful side, I think Venti would love the thrill of being a professional storm chaser, so I inserted the Eye of the Storm into the fic plot, although it looks much much different in this AU than in-game.

Adding meteorology into the fic begs the question of, "well, how does weather/science work now, from a modern scholar’s perspective?" I talk more about the nitty gritty of the world and it’s science in part VI!

Alternatives: I also considered making Venti a youtube vlogger, a music producer, songwriter, a historian, and whatever is Mondstadt's equivalent to an English Lit major (Mondstadtian Lit?). Ultimately, I ended up with meteorologist because it fits my fic agenda (always own your agenda) and I haven’t really seen it done before. (If you have, please share with me! I would love to see more meteorologist!Venti)

iii. Albedo (and Klee)

Albedo: Albedo's mechanical arm is inspired from his battle animation. He usually rotates his wrist when you use his elemental skill, and he also rotates his shoulder when you use his burst. There is currently no in-game explanation for this yet (AFAIK). Maybe it’s related to him being an artificial human made of chalk, or maybe some other lore. In any case, in this AU something happened to that arm in the past. so now he has a mechanical arm! Maybe he could have recreated his arm with alchemy, idk, but I don't think he'd mind having a mechanical limb tbh. Albedo also symbolizes bridging of the past and future in the fic, so I wanted him to have a conversation piece about it.

Klee: Klee, on the other hand, represents the future. As the daughter of Alice, I decided to categorize her as an "outsider" although in-game she does seem to bend to Teyvat’s laws (Mona can see her constellation, for example, while she couldn’t see the Traveler’s). We’re just gonna ignore that lol.

I’m gonna reuse this idea in another fic (specifically, the planned epilogue for long live the long life), but I absolutely love the idea of Klee becoming a traveler of worlds just like her mother. Also, with her being from "a race blessed with longevity" (elves?) I’ve decided she and Alice are "practically immortal" — they aren’t but they can live long enough anyway. Since she doesn’t reincarnate, she still remembers the past just like Albedo and Mona.

iv. The Twins

Traveler and Abyss: I ultimately decided to make Lumine the former traveler because that meant happier venlumi memories and that would give more weight to the scene where they summon Paimon. Aether as the former abyss prince also gives us a fun albether dynamic to play around with!

Memories: Originally, I thought of making Aether remember from the beginning, but then it's kinda sad if a five-year-old remembered about a divine war. I also thought of making him remember at a certain age. But him discovering his past by meeting Albedo gives them more reason to actually establish a relationship. Meanwhile, I thought it would be funny to make Lumine become a devoted follower of the anemo archon because she just naturally gravitates to anything Venti-related.

Since they both "integrated" into Teyvat through reincarnation, the laws of Teyvat now apply to them. But that doesn’t prevent them from becoming travelers of worlds again — it just means they have to work hard to get to that point again. Though probably not that hard, considering how they already have the witches by their side.

v. Paimon (and fairytales)

Paimon and Dainsleif: Obviously we don't know what will happen at the end of the game, and Paimon's role in the story is still unclear. But there's some parallels between the two in-game so I decided to make the two of them take turns watching over Teyvat. I also couldn't figure out how to fit Paimon into a reincarnation AU tbh because she's… a small, cute fairy. I really have a hard time imagining her as anything else!! Anyway, if Venti can take his hunded-year naps in-game, why not Paimon as well?

(this section is pretty short. I think I planned to expand on this in the future, but I never ended up doing it. but basically, my plot for this was that lumine found a book about summoning demons. she and venti try it, and they summon paimon and dain. this is fine, because albether wanted to wake them up anyway to invite them to their wedding lol)

vi. Applied Phlebotinum (aka "modern science")

All the research and nitty gritty details I need for the fic. Teyvat's modern science incorporates what they consider as "fundamental" while removing the "fairytales" of gods from the narrative. This definitely led to some pseudoscience-as-science Applied Phlebotinum tropes, but I think it works out for the purposes of the fic.

Sky: Since there is no longer a fake sky, modern Teyvat now sees the "true stars" and a completely different sky than before. This means that sky maps from the past are no longer valid for navigation, but they could be important clues for wannabe historians. The moon, however, is an actual corpse from the past (if we’re to believe the three moon sisters lore) so it still stays as a full moon.

Ley Lines and Elements: Ley lines, and by extension elements, are fundamental things in the game, whereas most other things are emergent, so I didn’t remove them from this AU. Since the witches of Hexenzirkel conduct investigations of the Irminsul trees and have the secret knowledge of the world that an average Teyvatian aren’t privy to (see part I), they would be the highest order scholars. This also means that, with the right tools, one can still harness the elements. But how could they without visions?

Fauna and Technology: The game archive implies that 1) slimes, hypostases, whopperflowers, regisivines, eye of storms, and crystalflies are all products of concentrated elemental energy; 2) crystalfly cores can "absorb elemental energy that have escaped into the atmosphere."

After the divine war, the ley lines are no longer in disarray which means most of the dangerous monsters are gone or rarely seen. Only small slimes and the occasional whopperflowers remain. To achieve balance and make sure ley lines are not concentrated or clogged again, the witches have turned to filling every inch of Teyvat with crystalflies as a natural "element filter." When they die out, the crystal cores (which we use in-game to transmute condensed resin and portable waypoints) should have concentrated elemental energy which they can use for technology. The game archive implies that the people of Teyvat were already on their way to using slimes as elemental conduits to progress technology too (e.g. cryo slimes as a cooler, electro slimes to power things, etc.)

Alchemy: in this AU, alchemy is the manipulation of ley lines and the memories/elements/time within it. Some parts of alchemy is incorporated into modern science, to the extent where they can make use of slimes and crystal cores for convenient transmutations. But since modern Teyvat has entered an era that wants to keep the ley lines balanced, the art of khemia is, for the most part, forgotten and forbidden. Albedo still messes around with it sometimes though, but the witches are keeping an eye on him.

We then come to the problem of portable waypoints. It’s a transmutable object that we can use crystal cores for, so why have cars? But it’s stated in the game that it’s something only vision-bearers can use. Since no one has visions anymore in this AU (with some exceptions), waypoints are not needed and we can still use cars for road trips :D

Modern Artifacts: Genshin loves the concept of "memories live on in objects and you can build yourself up with the memories of the past." We see this in ores and weapons, artifacts having stories, the crown of insight, etc. In this AU, this concept ties back to the fundamental laws of reincarnation (or transmigration) and ley lines.

Modern Teyvat has no need for battle weapons though, so memories of the past will have to be stored in new vessels in order to be passed on. The twins inadvertently collected a bunch of these artifacts over time.

Weather: Based on the dialogue with Lawrence (guard in front of Mondstadt gate) and Venn (storm watcher in Stormbearer Point), it’s heavily implied that the good weather of Mondstadt is thanks to Barbatos. But what happens when Barbatos is no longer around, or when humanity moves to a godless era? I think the Thousand Winds would still take care of Mondstadt, but the weather wouldn’t be as gentle as they always have been. Probably nothing catastrophic, but there would be more natural storms and rain than before.

Stormbearer Point is where Mondstadtians used to watch for storms, so that’s also where the meteorology center of Mondstadt is located. For the most part, I based Mondstadt’s weather on Germany and the UK (see links below).

Side note: I see the Thousand Winds as something similar to an anemo version of the lochfolk. So while they collectively have elemental power, individually they are all just threads of the wind. Endora wasn’t that powerful even after the end of the event, just more eloquent. And Venti himself, once a thread of the Thousand Winds, was just a small wisp before he became an archon.

As for Dragonspine, the Skyfrost Nail no longer works (because Celestia is gone) and Durin has basically become one with the mountain. But there are still lingering effects of their presence in the environment. Dragonspine used to be a verdant, livable mountain before the fall of Sal Vind; in modern Teyvat, I mixed the past and the in-game present so that Dragonspine is now a livable snow mountain (no more sheer cold!). This is mostly to push my agenda of having snow cabin scenes and to have Albedo and Dragonspine be one of the surviving connections to the past. This also means some wonky elemental stuff usually happens in Dragonspine.

Geography: A civilization that progresses and prospers will have a larger population. Mondstadt is still a small nation compared to the other seven, but they definitely branched out from just having one city nation in a lake and two countryside villages (Springvale, Dawn Winery). Dadaupa Gorge and the area around Dawn Winery have expanded to have more residential areas and small villages. (past me had no idea dornman port was a thing. present me now does, and I actually remember now that there's still a huge chunk of mondstadt that we haven't seen but was from the beta game leaks. there's still the dark castle in the northeast).

Gliding: since we now have cars, gliding is now a recreational hobby and extreme sport. As a result, there are less gliders now than before, but it sure makes money for tourism. Mondstadt is also the global gliding center of Teyvat and usually hosts gliding competitions with competitors across the seven nations. You need a gliding license to buy gliders.

Tourism: What’s a road trip without tourist traps? Some of the notable Mondstadt getaways:

bungee jumping/gliding in Starsnatch Cliff (must have a gliding license to use the gliders)

historical tours in Stormterror’s Lair (they kept the name since it attracts more tourists than if they called it "Old Mondstadt")

snow cabins in Dragonspine (amazing view of Sal Terrae and Mondstadt)

picnics in Windrise (make it a big park centered around Vennessa’s Tree?)

wine tasting in Dawn Winery (they also help plan weddings and have DIY wine-making lessons for enthusiasts)

[ashboy-3]

Fanfic review for 2022

So a while ago I saw this post that was reviewing your year in fanfiction such as things you wrote and/or read and decided to do it, it is posted late of course, but still felt like sharing. It'll also help me see progress throughout my years here. I did alter the post a little to fit me more or cause I couldn't find things that it asked so I hope you enjoy and all the fics I wrote should eventually by on here and linked to Ao3.

Favorite fic you wrote this year

    Her Name is Chōwa

Least favorite fic you wrote this year

“I was Drunk When I Said Those Things”

Favorite line/scene you wrote this year

    “I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING BABY DADDY!”                   - When Dabi becomes a Baby Daddy

Total number of words you wrote this year

    16,284 of my published words

Most popular fic all time and this year

           Nico’s seeing eye Ghost – this year

           To know your family -all time

Least popular fic all time and this year

           “I was Drunk when I said those things” – this year

           No trespassing – all time

Longest completed fic this year

           Her name is Chōwa

Shortest completed fic this year

           When Dabi becomes a Baby Daddy

Longest WIP

    “Oh what the future holds” – time wise

           To know your family – word wise

Shortest WIP

    To know your family – time wise

    Jack Quinn - 399

Fandom you enjoyed writing for most this year

    My Hero

Favorite character to write about this year

           Hawks and Dabi

Favorite writing song/album/artist

           My liked songs on Spotify

A fic you didn’t expect to write

           An WIP for Owl house/harry potter and a South Park/Young Justice

Something you learned this year (within the contexts)

           More of a practice thing, I got more practice in adding details as I mostly focus on dialogue

Fic(s) you completed this year

           4 sadly all one-shots

Fic(s) you’ll complete next year

           I want to complete at least three things within my drafts

Current number of WIPs ongoing and in drafts

To many to count can we just go with the number 20

New fics to start this year (name at least 3)

    I want to finish a long harry potter one shot I’m working on

Number of comments you haven’t read

    seven as of right now

Most memorable comment /review

    I honestly like most of my comments. The only ones I don’t really like are the ones asking for an update or the ones pointing out mistakes I’ve made hundreds of times, but sometimes those are nice. After a while you can tell which ones are being more helpful then others.

Events you participated in this year

    Tried to do dabihawks week and only wrote two

Fic yous want to write but didn’t

    Oh I have written them, but they are all in the drafts

Favorite fic you read this year

           Carry no Burden by Lyna_Laufeyson

Fic you read this year you would recommend everyone read:    Boom we’re parents an incomplete Davekat homestuck fic

Number of favorites/bookmarks (all time)

           2858

Favorite fanfic author of the year

    I don’t really have favorites but I did get into clouds MHA fanfics

Favorite fandom to read this year

    My hero, DC Comics, Somehow Homestuck

Favorite paring to read about this year

    Dabihawks & DaveKat

Favorite pairing to write about this year

    DabiHawks

What did you tag the most this year

           Not beta read, no beta we die like???

So after going through this, I want my New Year's resolution to be able to finish somewhere between 1-3 stories with good progress. No rushed endings or things like that.

[writingstoraes]

All Too Well (Jeong Jaehyun)

pairing: jeong jaehyun/reader

warnings: none

notes: not proofread, kinda based off of taylor swift's all too well, kinda not :]] a draft i wrote long ago, just thought about posting it here so.

theme: slight angst (??), flashbacks

It was both a blessing and a curse - to still have remnants of memories and parts of someone stay with you even when they're long gone. It's both good and bad - that people you once shared everything with would go back to being someone you don't know, a stranger you know a little too well.

Sometimes you become overwhelmed at the fact that when you close your eyes you see their face, or hear their laugh when it's awfully quiet. All that's left is a sense of familiarity, a false sense of security - all gone in a second once realization hits you.

Endlessly scrolling on your phone, the television on even if you weren't watching served as the background music to an empty apartment. For some weird reason, your local channel picks up a certain music show, and your finger stops scrolling upon hearing a familiar voice.

The same deep and warm voice that's usually accompanied by a hearty chuckle. The same welcoming voice you once loved - attached to the person who once became your home.

The voice who would tell you lame jokes - but even if they were unfunny, you would laugh anyway because he was the one who said it.

Maybe they were right that progress wasn't linear. That you could feel better, but then one tiny thing could set you off and you're back to square one. Maybe they were right when they said that something so little can trigger the leftover memories in your head to play like a rerun of a film, and you have no choice but to let it finish - if it even does.

You knew that voice, because you could recognize it from anywhere. May it be from a laugh or from a whisper - you knew that voice and you knew who it belonged to.

You wanted to define it as cruel, that it was the world messing with you, trying to see if you really are better like you claim you are. But upon hearing Jaehyun's voice again after some time, even you second guessed yourself.

And you know the answer because it all came rushing back, as cliche as that may sound. Hearing his voice was the go signal your brain was waiting for to commence a flashback, and you would be lying if you said it didn't sting.

It all came rushing back - how he would run circles on your thumb when he's holding your hand, or how he would send you a grin when you're on opposite ends of a room. It's Jaehyun silently entering your shared room and leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead when he's home late, so he wouldn't wake you up.

It's him welcoming you to a filming set with the biggest smile on his face, smile becoming wider when he notices you brought his favorite drink. It's the random messages he sends, most of the time it's a new song he recently discovered and liked so now he's recommending it to you. It's the car selfies, the sporadic updates to let you know what he was doing. It's getting to see his dimples appear when he smiles so wide whenever you show him a new vinyl record.

It's you being a nervous wreck before meeting his parents, but when it was his turn - it's as if he had everything planned out. Flowers for your mom, a bottle of wine for your dad who was amused at every story and joke that came out of his mouth.

The comfortable silence when you're enveloped in his arms - it's Jaehyun automatically pressing play on your favorite movie when you're feeling down like it's a routine, but it's also him falling asleep halfway through so you just chuckle silently and snuggle up beside him feeling better.

And now you think it's funny, it's ironic - that all of these were "just" little things, yet it's what's etched on your mind. Random nothings you remember a little too well, that when you close your eyes it's almost as if you're reliving them.

However, you wished the flashbacks ended there. You wished it ended on the little things, on the sweet, little nothings that seemed way to good to be true. Because he was good to you. He really was. But no matter how good it became, nothing in this world is ever picture perfect.

It's a weird balance - that you had to not only remember the loving moments a little too well, but the moments that made you sure this is where the line with Jaehyun blurs. And stops.

It's sleeping with your backs faced against each other because you had a fight that both of you were too tired to deal with, it's waking up the next morning as if nothing happened but deep down you both knew you were never gonna get back the versions of yourselves when you first met. And the both of you were just afraid to admit it. Or do something about it.

It's slowly losing the small traditions you do, neither of you complaining because it seemed insignificant and not worth the effort to try and bring back. It's witnessing the love or whatever it is that kept you two together fly out of the window, neither of you bothering to chase it.

It's greeting each other happy anniversary like it's a chore, or saying the three words with no weight at all as if you both felt obligated to say it.

Yet it was also the two of you simultaneously trying to revive what you thought was lost, but the pulse was just dead and gone. Maybe it was too late, maybe it just got lost in translation, or maybe it's just too much to ask for the revival of something that's been lifeless for awhile.

It's you and Jaehyun having the dreaded talk, just trying to get it over with, but both of you wished deep down it didn't turn out like this.

You were good to each other. He was good for you and you were good to him and everyone knew that. But there was an evident difference between being good for someone and being good to them - sometimes painfully noticeable it paralyzes all senses in you.

So maybe you won't ever forget. Maybe it's going to take you years before his dimpled smile won't appear when you close your eyes to the point you wince in pain because in the one mention of his name, it's like taking a trip down a painful memory lane.

Maybe Jaehyun will always remain as someone you know too well. From his little habits up to the features of his face, or even his usual drink order, artists he loves listening to, or how he arranges his vinyl records on a custom order. You will always know it, and you just have to make your peace with that.

It's accepting the reality of remembering him when you drive down a familiar road or when you hear a certain song or when you glance at the keychain attached to your car keys that you just can't seem to remove.

It's making your peace with the fact that in the ocassion he calls, you might hesitate - but you'll pick up the phone.

[safyresky]

Fanfic Writer Emoji Ask: ALL the answers!

Got sent this ages ago, just found it again today and ah. Decided that I'm feeling especially unhinged and I will answer all of them, whether you like it or not (and whether it is asked or not). Sticking it under a read more so that I don't clog up dashes :)

😅 What’s a story or scene you’ve created that you’re a smidge embarrassed exists?

Somewhere on one of my old harddrives. There exists a snippet of the start of a smut scene between two of my characters from my sim city I turned into a story. It is only about. 300 words. but it makes me blush very much these days

There also exists, in an old notebook, a draft of Crystal Springs in which PYROS was Jack/Jacqueline's real Dad and no, I will not elaborate

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

Any sibling bonding. Makes me soft.

Same with the fucking uh, GIRLFRIENDS (Dite and Jacqueline). ANY time they are romantic I die.

And I wrote those bits

I am dying mySELF! Fuck!

🤡 What’s a line, scene, or exchange you’ve written that made you laugh?

So fucking many, but my all time favourite that nobody caught is the following:

"There's another thing," Curtis said. "The clause involves a sort of de-Santafication process. As we get closer to the date, Santa becomes less Santa and more, well, himself. Before the Santa thing happened. What do we do if Santa notices and finds out about the clause?"

"We send him to Utah," Bernard said. Curtis made an odd noise.

The joke here being that for WHATEVER reason in the Santa Clause 2, the marriage is valid anywhere EXCEPT for in the state of Utah. Why? Idk. But I thought this line was so funny and nobody seems to have picked up on it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

any Elle mentions in Frostmas are written with the intent to cause physical damage, especially to Ana (sorry not sorry boo ;)

When Jacqueline breaks out of Pyros's control and tells Jack to kick his ass, and promptly goes into magic coma >:)

✍ Do you have a beta reader?

No, I do not. I read everything three times before I post; and then a couple days after I post to catch typos I may have skimmed over

Do I want a beta? Not particularly! I already update in long increments of time as is, could you imagine if I had to wait for fics to be beta'd as well? YIKES

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

Evil Uncles (idk why. My two uncles are not evil; one is weird in a bad way and the other is a jerk butt. But not evil.)

Families that communicate their issues; fuck miscommunication as a plotline, all my homies hate miscommunication as a plotline

Pathetic fallacy. I'm always a slut for pathetic fallacy >:)

Hurt/Comfort, Humour, healthy doses of angst

The most chaotic scenes you could ever imagine (perks to writing about magical beings!)

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

FROSTMAS!

This fucking FIC I SWEAR

She has given me migranes. She is a game I play, in which I have to give the heroes a chance but also let them fail bc the real villain of Frostmas is ME

And like. We KNOW Frostmas happens for 12 years, ok, so like. BMan and Jacquie Beans cannot win! Not until Year 12 and even then, THEY DON'T DO THE WINNING

I have to stay three steps ahead of them at all times and it is EXHAUSTING, villains do NOT get paid enough/sppreciated enough, geezus

✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉

the dialogue is AMAZING

the humour fits in WELL

and man am I good at portraying siblings or WHAT

and why do tsc ocs i write fit so well into the universe, wtf is up with that

💋 First kiss fics. Love em or hate em?

They're nice :)

🎶 Do you listen to music while you write? What song have you been playing on loop lately?

I do indeed!

Panic at the Disoc was on loop for Fusion AU as a fun fact

Usually it's instrumentals tho

LATELY Weezer's been on loop, with their SZNZ collection!

Frostmas has it's own playlist, and usually it's angry loud stuff :)

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write?

Word/OneNote. Nothing fancy. I have it for free from work so, y'know, it gets used :)

⛔ Do you have a fic you started, but scrapped?

SEVERAL SMILE SHOTS

They weren't so much as SCRAPPED as they were LOST TO THE VOID when my hard drive got dunked on by a stone floor in 2016

There were two I can recall off the top of my head:

1. When the Twins Met Jack: this one had a solid like. 1k to it. It was a smile shot about the day the Twins realized hey, there's this dude in old photos who looks very similar to us? Whomst tf is he? And rush to ask Jacqueline about it

2. A Trip to Gstaad: Jack takes Jacqueline to Gstaad for skiing/snowboarding. Nasty storm hits and they get stuck at the top with a handful of mortals. shenanigans ensue, mainly "do we magically poof off? stay with these guys? or magically help these guys? decisions, decisions. all of them mediocre. I think the Twins popped over at one point to help keep the humans warm. It was a wild ride

One that I completed then SCRAPPED was Jacqueline and Elle seeing Frozen. They go a lil crazy with the references, and it was funny to indulge in ages ago but when I went back and read it I was like wow! that's cringe, Dani! So it's being reworked to be less cringe. Instead of going full fandom, Elline decides to approach frozen with SCIENCE which, of course, gets everyone very interested.

It's very, CAN WE MAKE CLOTHES WITH JUST SNOW, AND NO BASE? HOW MUCH EFFORT IS A GIANT ICE PALACE? That sort of thing, lol

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic?

A handful, yes! My fiance, my best friend, my Mom, and my sister, too. I've opened up to a few other friends about writing fanfic but got poked fun at and it made me less inclined to share with IRL folks, so I don't do that as much 🙃. It took me a LOT to open up to my newer friends and they're so sweetly supportive lmao, I love it

🍦 What’s the sweetest fic you’ve created so far?

Probably the snippet where Dite Comes Out as Ace, or Diteline First Kiss, or an amalgamation of snippets from Crystal Springs's B Arc, which is Jack being home and making amends. OH there's also a Blinter fic that follows their meeting and courtship and shit. It's cute. And unfinished. And has been so for like. 5 years?

🍷 Do you drink and write?

Not frequently, no! Maybe done it once or twice.

🍆 Do you write the spicy stuffs? If so, what’s your most popular nsfw fic?

Ha, no.

🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write?

Yeah, during work hours. VERY inconvenient. Either then or well past midnight. Also inconvenient 🙃🙃

💖 What made you start writing?

This is a good question! I don't have an answer! I've made stories in my head as long as I can remember. My very first story was about a hippy who lost his magic button and had to find it. The hippy looked very much like Shaggy Scooby-Doo, lmao.

Once my cousin showed me ff.net, all hell broke loose. I made so many lil OCs for me to experience fun stories in various universes! I was too afraid to post and started with original content (not fantasy, think like. Debbie Macomber Cedar Valley or w/e it was called books) and that was a GOOD experience, but for WHATEVER REASON, it was the freaking Santa clause movies that really had me writing nonstop and posting. I've yet to know why, but I know that these blorbos are now mine and I love them very dearly lol

💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback?

Love love LOVE them! All comments! I love paragraph long comments talking about fave parts or waxing poetic about different little allusions or similarities or symbols and shit I sneak in >:)

I've received ConCrit before and it was okay, but a lot of their criticism was because of like. Names for characters and such and why they were similar to place names and such, and things like. Like for example, someone being like "Why is Blaise still leading Crystal Springs? He abolished the monarchy? but is still leader?" And sometimes it's like, thanks for the crit, but like. Suspend ur disbelief/google Mayor Hazel McCallion lol. If I ever receive proper ConCrit I'll see how I feel about it then! I know it's supposed to be constructive, but the only ones I have seen forget the constructive bit and are just criticisms. Wild.

❌ What’s a trope you will never write?

ANYTHING to do with miscommunication. FUCK miscommunication, all my hommies hate miscommunication 😠😠

💲 Would you ever open commissions?

Ugh, that's a toughie. On the one hand, maybe! I'm decent enough a writer for decent fics and such. but on the other hand, I feel as though writing commissions are hard and I worry too much about getting other characters in character, you know? so probably no

🧐 Do you spend much time researching for your stories?

Not really, but when I do it's always something weird like, filing systems in the 1700s or weather patterns in Australia in the 2000s. that sorta shit.

🏆 What’s your most popular fic?

So if we base it on reviews, Crystal Springs definitely. But if we base it on QUALITY of reviews and readers, it's Frostmas. Frostmas has a lot of readers who don't read CS, so it's a bit more popular! I've also done some Danny Phantom one shots and those get a good amount of notes on tumblr :)

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic?

The only fic I write is for holidays, baybee. And it's Frostmas I think lol.

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

YES! One of them guessed like, in Year 6 that Jacqueline was gonna do the big freeze! That was excellent! Here's the moment in question:

ON THE MONEY!

🎨 How do you feel about fan art of your stories?

I've only started getting fanart this year (that is, in big quantities) and I fucking LOVE it. It's been such an ego boost and helped em make new friends and feel really loved and appreciated! 💕💕💕

📈 How many fics do you have?

like 7 or 8 published on ff.net. But one is a collection of onehsots. So like, maybe more??? Also ItS exists but isn't posted and isn't written past Chapter 1 lol, though it is planned through to chapter 7 or 8 rn I believe. So maybe 9????

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants?

Bit of both! I list scenes I wanna include, or the general idea I want to explore, and go from there! Lots of point form notes that are almost writing. For example:

I am a srs writer, i swear (she claims after reading Blaise say "wtf is up son")

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

Okay, so! We have the sequel to the Santa Dump, AND the proper sequel to the Clifton Manor incident: the highly anticipated Clifton SOCIETY Incident. you can look forward to lots of funky things, including:

Charlie/Jacqueline friendship and being badass mother fuckers!

GOD TIER Jack sass

Santa being sweet to kids

Jack and Jacqueline kicking ass and taking names

The sane Cliftons thinking Jack and Santa are married, courtesy of Jacqueline and Charlie flubbing their cover story lmao

BUT I ALSO HAVE A REWRITE OF THE CALL COMING UP! Along with the part 2 to the original. But with updated lore and ideas and some fun Mother Nature moments and BABY SEASON SISTERS? HELLO?

🤗 What advice would you give to new fanfic writers that are just getting started?

Write for yourself, first and foremost

Mary Sues are FUN. Go crazy!

Double and triple check for grammar/typos :) They sneak by sometimes, and I know it's TEDIOUS but you'll thank yourself in the long run (war flashbacks to snow BOARDER)

PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE YOUR FRIEND! NEW PARAGRAPH EVERY TIME SOMEONE NEW SPEAKS!

Said is NOT dead. Said is invisible, that's the real secret :)

💞 Who’s your comfort character?

I don't have an answer for this one, lmao. I don't quite have comfort characters like most people seem to have them? I have comfort movies! Comfort VIBES! but no characters :) All of my babies give me comfort tbh!

🧠 Pick a character, and I’ll tell you my favorite headcanon for them.

This one's more of an ask box shenanigan so instead I'm just gonna casually put the Crystal Springs FACTS tag right here 👀👀

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write?

Blaise and the Twins! Though I am LIVING for the vibes Jack and Winter are giving in Chapter 18 >:). See:

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip?

Another one? Well alright, if you insist 😏😏. Have some fucking uh,,,, Clifton Society Incident?? 😏😏

😬 Which of your fics would you be most horrified for friends, family, or coworkers to stumble upon?

Probably The Clifton Society Incident. I mean, they're straight up myth hunters. The Head Dude wants to torture Santa and Jack. That's all shades of ah, fucked up lmao. You all saw what I did to him in the Santa Dump. It only gets worse >:)

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success?

Long ass reviews and a feeling of happiness with my me, unrelated to the reviews! If I post it and I like it and reading it makes ME happy, then the fic is a success :)

✅ What’s something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don’t mean to?

Evil Uncles? Idk why? Communication, but I know why THAT is. Bad puns, and sass between siblings, and also, a lot of witty snapbacks. Which I can't do on the spot IRL so I guess they have to go somewhere :)

📚 Would you ever want to turn writing into a career?

ABSOLUTELY! I'd love to separate Crystal Springs from it's very itty bitty fandom ties (at this point. this world is so developed y'all I'm. WHEW) and write it. I;ve got like 6?? Crystal Springs stories/spinoffs planned??

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter?

A week at my most productive, 3 months to a year at worst. A year or two for Frostmas. That thing is a monstrosity.

🤯 What’s a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

Definitely mystery and like. Drama/suspense! I don't vibe with those and they don't vibe with me.

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

The Smile Shot "They Said it Couldn't be Done". That fucked me UP. ANYTHING with smol Jacqueline pre-Day of Darkness gets me heartbroken, but this one ESPECIALLY hits bc it's Jack's POV and hits home how bad curses do be ):

💥 How do you feel about criticism?

Can't live with it, can't live without it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. And the gentler it is, the more it sticks! Being rude/cruel/dehumanizing in your crit makes the reciever less likely to take it and improve! If you're kind and gentle and remember the positives to mention, it'll stick more :)

🤭 Do you have a favorite tag to use when posting your works?

Dani writes! That's where ALL the writing is!

🥰 How do you feel about reader interaction? Are you open to receiving questions about your fics?

YES YES YES AND YES! PLEASE INTERACT I LOVE IT I LIVE FOR IT! IT'S FUN! :D

[the-pen-pot]

Hi, hi, hello! I know you said you are writing Teenwolf, but where is it? Or is it just in Patreon? I would love to read your take on Stiles and Derek. Have happy Sunday!

Hi Anon!

Ohhh, thank you for taking an interest in my Teen Wolf Sterek fic ♥ It's actually in the drafting stages atm, because it's going to be a long (when do I write anything that's not long?) slow burn, Nogitsune vanquishing, Spark!Stiles one. I'm basically holding off starting to post it until I'm done with my weekly updates of Merlin fic, Sorcerer's Bane, which has about another 10 chapters to go.

That said: Here, have a draft of Chapter One (About 4000 words)

Hidden In The Echoes: Chapter One

The lines around his dad's eyes looked like they were drawn in ink, almost as deep as the brackets around his mouth and the creases on his forehead. In the shift and slide of the street-lights, he was a haggard comic-book sketch: a man reduced to his outlines. His dad might not speak about his feelings much, but he didn't hide them, either. They were there for the world to see: fear, guilt, misery...

Grief.

He thought the same thing that killed Stiles' mom years ago had returned to claim Stiles himself: a genetic time-bomb that had finally exploded inside his brain, the rotting herald of a slow and ugly death.

Was being possessed by a fox-demon that fed on chaos, strife and pain better than that, or worse?

Stiles shook his head, his lips parted around aborted words as he skimmed his hand along the restraint of the seat-belt. It crushed his ribs, making each breath feel like a struggle, or perhaps that was just the knot of panic that had tied a noose around his throat. His neck still hurt from where Deaton had pressed the needle into his flesh, filling his veins with whatever gross concoction he had made to drive the Nogitsune out.

It would be back.

He bit his lip, ignoring the flash of tinny flavor across his tongue. His hands twisted into knots in his lap, and he picked at a hangnail before counting his fingers, idly checking the lines that charted the palms of his hands. It had taken ages to wash Scott's blood off. It seeped everywhere, like a stain he could not remove. Even now, he wasn't sure he got it all. He kept picturing it: his knuckles bleached white around the hilt of the sword and the tendons in his arms picked out in sharp relief as he twisted.

A thin gasp caught in his chest, and Stiles swallowed the burn of bile in the back of his throat. The Nogitsune might have pushed him back in his head, burying him in oblivion, but it made sure to share those particular memories. It wrote a recollection of pressure and strength in Stiles' muscles: the resistance and sudden give of flesh parting beneath the blade as he'd pushed it through Scott's body. The smell: hot, wet copper. The hitched, shattered gasps of Scott's pained breaths.

Deaton might have pushed out the Nogitsune for now, but it made sure to leave its mark.

'You sure about this?'

His dad's voice jerked him from his thoughts, and he realized that the car had pulled to a stop. The gates to Eichen House gleamed in the pool of the headlights. Raindrops fell like static: flashing white in the darkness, echoing the odd, empty hiss of Stiles' mind. He wasn't sure of anything much, right now, but this? It was all he had. The one idea that might at least keep everyone safe.

'Yeah.'

His dad's hands tightened around the steering wheel, making the plastic squeak beneath his grip. For a moment, he stared through the windshield, his gaze focused on something far beyond the steady sweep of the wipers. His jaw shifted, a muscle ticking in his cheek. Stiles stared at the patch of hair his dad had missed shaving, watching it glitter in the weak light: committing the details of him to memory.

The engine died with quiet whine, and the seat-belt hissed as it slithered over his chest. He didn't breathe any easier for being free of it. Panic, then. The tight, hard twist of fear at what the next hours and days might bring. Nothing good, he suspected.

His fingers felt cold and numb around the car's door handle. He could not remember the last time he had been properly warm. Not that it mattered. The latch clunked as he pulled it open and eased himself upright, ignoring the clammy caress of the damp air around him. The pavement gleamed underfoot. He stared at the streetlamp’s reflections that danced in their rippled surfaces like will-o'-the-wisps, fae and unnatural.

Heh, supernatural.

Not for the first time, he wished he could go back in time to last year and tell his stupid, sixteen-year-old self to just stay out of the fucking woods that night. To grow up and stow his curiosity, just for once.

Too late for that now, though. Looking for Laura Hale's dead body had been the first step on a journey that led him here, to a cold stretch of sidewalk and a looming pair of black gates. They looked like they belonged on a prison. In some ways, he supposed that was precisely what this place was. Eichen was a mental institution, and there were bound to be patients in there that they didn't want getting out.

The growl of an engine made him glance over his shoulder, his heart twisting hard in his chest as he spotted the single headlamp sweeping towards them: Scott on his motorbike. He barely pulled to a stop before jumping from the saddle, tugging off his helmet and striding towards them. For one moment, Stiles thought that Scott wouldn't stop, that he'd bull his way forward and bundle him into an embrace the same as he'd done a hundred times before.

As if the phantom of a blood-drenched sword did not span the space between them. As if it had not been Stiles' hands wrapped around the hilt.

At the last minute, Scott stopped, no more than an arm's length away. Easy stabbing distance, Stiles thought, hollow-headed and trying to stifle the subtle shivers that marched up and down his skin. That was Scotty, trusting to the bone. He didn't care that, less than twenty-four hours ago, Stiles had been bleeding him out in Deaton's office. He didn't care about bombs at the Sheriff's department and an arrow in Coach's gut. Scott didn't look at him and see the Nogitsune, or even its vessel.

He just saw Stiles: best friend for more years than either of them cared to count.

'Why didn't you tell me?'

Stiles wrinkled his nose and narrowed his eyes, an outlet for the flinch he felt ripple through him. He hadn't told Scott about this plan because he knew he would try and talk him out of it. He loved Scott like a brother, but the guy was an optimist. He thought there was a happy, perfect solution to every problem, and in his mind the problem of Stiles clearly had no place in Eichen House.

'We wanted to avoid a situation like this,' his dad replied, his voice soft but firm. He stretched out one hand, pacifying, soothing – strong in a hundred ways Stiles knew his dad didn't feel right now. He had never overstepped the bounds of Scott's asshole absent father, but he'd always treated him like part of the family. There was trust there; always had been.

'It's only seventy-two hours,' Stiles added, twisting his fingers around the straps of his backpack. He tried to straighten his shoulders, to project that confidence that he knew Scott always sought in him, but he didn't have the strength. He hadn't for a while, if he was honest. He had stabbed Scott in the belly, but it was Stiles who hunched around a gut-wound no one could see – an ache beneath his navel that spilled cold through every inch of him.

Scott shifted his weight, his right hand reaching out for Stiles before falling back to his side. He glanced at Eichen's gates, his top lip curling back. There was no flash of fang; he had his 'Wolf under control, but he still eyed the place with deep distrust. 'Barrow was here, growing a tumor full of black flies.' He turned to Stiles' dad, shaking his head. 'For all we know, this – all this –' He waved a hand towards Stiles. '–started right here. You don't know everything yet.'

Stiles' dad sighed, a wrung out, thin sound, as if he were struggling to hold himself together. The rain collecting on his hair, crowning him in droplets that fell to his collar as he cuffed a hand through it. 'Kitsune, Oni, Nogitsune... I know enough. I also know I saw an MRI of Stiles' head that looked exactly like my wife's, and it terrifies me. I'm heading out of town tomorrow to see a specialist.'

'But why are you leaving him in here?'

'He's not.' Stiles shifted his weight, torn between bracing himself against his dad, who was trying so hard not to shake at his side – to bundle him back into the car and drive away from this place – and Scott, whose tight voice pulsed like a sob in his throat. 'It's my choice. I can't hurt you if I'm in here. I can't hurt any of you, and the people in there probably have enough stuff to keep the worst of whatever is happening to me under control. And if they don't?' He shrugged, not bothering to apologize for the strangers he might be putting in danger with his presence. 'At least I'm not out here.'

'I can't help you if you're locked away in there.' Scott jabbed a finger towards the building, and Stiles' heart ached to see how his friend's arm shook, the nails on his hands sharpening to hint at claws as his control faltered. 'Deaton's got some ideas. Peter and Derek are searching every book they can find. Allison and her dad are calling people –'

'–And you'll find something.' Stiles tried to force a smile onto his mouth, to drink the optimism Kool-Aid, if only to make Scott feel better, but he knew it didn't work. How could it, when he didn't believe for a moment they would discover a way to get him out of this mess? 'You'll find something, Scott, but if you don't?' He licked his lips, glancing at his dad before leaning closer and dropping his voice, praying his dad wouldn't hear him. He might suspect what Stiles was thinking, but he didn't have to know.

'If you can't, then you make sure I never get out.'

'Stiles –' Scott shut his eyes as if he were rejecting every word he said, but he knew him better than that. Scott might believe the best about everyone and everything, but he would never, ever let Stiles down. Not even in this. 'We'll find something, okay? I promise.' Scott's hand curved over his shoulder, squeezing like he wanted to carve his vow into Stiles' very bones.

Stiles bowed his head, offering a nod. His neck felt like cracked granite, crumbling beneath the strain, but he had to give Scott something to ease the hollow, haunted look in his dark eyes and make this farewell easier to bear for them both.

'Come on,' he murmured, turning to his dad and tilting his head towards the gate. His finger ached as he jammed the button to announce their arrival. The buzz of acknowledgement droned in his ears like a swarm of insects, clattering and plague-ridden. Stiles tightened his grip on his rucksack, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other as the gate clanged shut behind him.

Antiseptic's sharp perfume stung his nose as he stepped through the heavy wooden doors, taking in the reception with the skim of his gaze. Terracotta and black tiles spanned the floor, gleaming beneath wet footprints, and old brick walls were covered in a clumsy layer of institutional paint. At this time of night, the place was probably as quiet as it ever got, but there was an odd, echoing quality to the noises, as if the hallways carried every whisper from the foundations to the roof and back down again.

The people of Beacon Hills called it "Echo House" for a reason, and they never spoke of this place with kindness. His reputation would take an even sharper nose-dive in the town when he got out.

If he got out.

A short nurse with a smile that never reached her eyes greeted him at reception, leading him and his dad into an office in the back. The lights warmed her dark skin, and silver streaks wove through her cornrows. Her pale blue scrubs were clean and still carried crease marks, as if she had pulled them out of the packaging just before they arrived, and Stiles watched the way her fingers shook when she handed her father a pen and passed over forms for him to sign.

'A voluntary stay is seventy-two hours. No phone-calls, no emails, no visitors,' she explained, the words falling from her tongue as if she had said them a hundred times before. 'Stiles, you will need to empty your pockets. If you're wearing a belt, you must remove it, and you should wear these.' She put some cheap slippers on the surface of her desk. 'No shoelaces. It's a suicide risk.'

He grimaced and tried not to think of the times he had considered a terminal solution to his demon-fox problem. After all, the Nogitsune couldn't possess him if he was dead. In the grimmest hours of the night, he had come up with a plan or two before realizing it wouldn't do any good. For all he knew, it would just move on to someone else, slithering off like a parasite to sink its teeth into another victim. Besides, he couldn't do that to his dad. Not unless there really was no other choice.

The nurse continued talking, saying something about a physical and group therapy. Stiles nodded along where it felt appropriate and watched the pen in his dad's hand hover over the line where he was meant to sign. Behind them, the rattle and clank of the metal gates sounded like jail cell bars sliding into place, and he watched the muscle jump in his dad's jaw before he set the pen down, leaving the paperwork untouched.

'We forgot – we forgot your pillow. You know you can't sleep without it.' He rubbed his palms down his trousers as if wiping away sweat, shifting as if he planned to get to his feet and drag Stiles away with him, grateful of an excuse to get away.

'Dad...' Stiles sighed, because yeah, he'd left it behind. He doubted this place would let him keep anything so personal anyway, in case he was smuggling in drugs or something. Besides, he'd wanted some small part of his life to remain as untouched by this whole ordeal as possible. He put keys and coins and his cell phone into the tray the nurse had provided, letting each object clatter against the plastic. 'I'm okay without it.'

'No. No, you're not.' His dad jerked his head, surging upright and putting on his Sheriff voice, the one he used to boss around his deputies. 'Stiles, get your stuff. You're not staying here if you're not going to get even one good night's sleep.'

Stiles pursed his lips, his throat tightening at the sight of his dad like this, fiercely protective and, underneath all that, so fucking frightened Stiles didn't know how he could stand it. It made him want to reach out and make promises he couldn't keep, just to take that look off his dad's face, but he couldn't.

Easing himself to his feet, he winced at the aches in his joints. Fatigue pulled at his body. Not the exhaustion that some decent sleep could cure; he'd been without for too long, now. 'Dad.' He reached out, the cool droplets of rain lingering on the shoulders of his dad's jacket pricking at his palms. 'I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks.'

He pulled gently at his dad's shoulders, tugging him into his embrace so he would not have to look at the pain carving its story in his dad's face. Maybe he should have offered some kind of platitude, but he was beyond that now. Perhaps they both were. There wasn't any comfort left to be found in little white lies. However, there was strength in the way his dad's arms came around his back, palms spread on the aborted wings of his shoulder-blades as if his dad could somehow hold his pieces together.

He smelled of Old Spice and cold rain and home. Stiles let his eyes flicker shut, the better to savor this moment. It steeled something in him, drumming up some element of resolve he'd thought lay beyond his reach. The Nogitsune might have taken his free will, his body and even his goddamn mind, but it would not take this from Stiles: a father who loved him more than anything else – who would move heaven-and-earth for him if he only asked. It wouldn't break apart the last, sad splinter of their family. They only had each other, and Stiles would not force his dad to bury his son alongside his wife.

'I'll see you soon,' he promised, clenching his fingers in his dad's jacket before stepping back, peeling himself away before he could change his mind. A glance at the nurse, who watched them with a fixed expression that hinted disturbingly at disdain, was all the signal she needed to move, grasping his arm a claw-like grip as she steered him away from the office and into the depths of Eichen House.

Her footsteps rang out with purpose, while Stiles' slipper-shod feet made barely a noise. It made him feel ghost-like, and he grimaced at the idea, idly wishing he were barefoot instead. At least that way he would be able to feel the chill bite of the tiles. There was something almost surreal about this: dream-like. He felt only half-present, a non-entity. It was not the black-out state the Nogitsune put him in when it took over, but that didn't mean it was real.

Looking down, he counted his fingers from left pinkie to right thumb; one to ten. Not a dream, then. More than once, these past few weeks, he'd glanced down to realize he had extra digits, or looked at a clock to see nothing akin to time upon its face. His eyes skated along a slim signpost that read "medical suite", and he wrinkled his nose. He could still read. Definitely not a dream. He'd put himself here; he had good reason to, but the further he got from the outside world, from his dad and his friends and everyone in between, the more he realized that he was truly alone.

'In here.'

He blinked as the nurse thrust open one of the doors that pocked the right hand-side of the narrow hallway. The acid-white lights beyond made him wince, and he eyed the bed: a sturdy gurney with limb restraints in place, their leather cracked and the padding threadbare. The only other furniture was a desk and chair, both of which were bolted to the floor, and a large cabinet, locked and fixed to the brickwork. A set of scales stood in one corner, and a measuring stick for height crawled up the wall.

The nurse stood to one side of the door, her arms folded over her chest and her lips pressed in a firm line. She did not make small talk or offer any kind of reassurance. She wore no name-badge and no jewelry, but her gaze shone, sharp and astute, watching his every move as he perched nervously on the edge of the bed.

A month ago, he would have spoken to fill the silence, allowing himself to babble: a nervous outlet for energy he didn't have, these days. Would they keep up his Adderall? They should, but Stiles was not about to hold his breath. What he had seen so far did not exactly fill him with confidence. This place seemed underfunded and understaffed, the same as pretty much every other mental-health facility in the country.

The door opened, and a middle-aged man in a white coat strode in, a stethoscope swinging from his neck. Rimless glasses perched on his nose, and flashes of silver traces the hair at his temples. He looked like someone dressing up as an M.D. for Halloween: too perfect, too clean. Stiles narrowed his eyes, noticing the distinct lack of marks on the white polyester. Shouldn't there be something? Medicine stains or a drop of ketchup? Something to make the guy look like he wasn't fresh out of the box?

'Mister Stilinski?' He looked up, flashing a blank smile as Stiles nodded. 'I'm Doctor Mathis. We just need to do your intake exam, and then we can get you settled. Nurse, you can go.'

She inclined her head, standing aside to let two, thick-armed orderlies take her place. They both looked at Stiles like they were weighing him up. Unlike most big guys taking in his skinny, sarcastic self, neither one looked as if they underestimated him. Working here probably took away any preconceptions. They both looked like they knew that "unpredictable" could be dangerous in its own right.

'They're here for your safety,' Doctor Mathis promised, following Stiles' gaze. 'Don't worry. Now, could you stand on the scales for me?'

It was basic stuff: height, weight, medications and medical history. The doctor asked why he'd checked himself in, and he gave a stumbling explanation about needing the twenty-four-hour support without offering anything damning. He was used to this, lying without really lying, talking around a subject without ever giving a real answer. It worked, most of the time.

Of course, it would be now, when he needed it most, that the doctor saw right through him.

'I see.' Mathis leaned back in the cheap, plastic chair, his fingers dipping into his pocket. 'What's that mark on your neck, Mr. Stilinski?'

He lifted his hand to the place where Deaton had jabbed him, feeling the bruised, sensitive skin and the strange weals of the rash that had spread around it. 'It's, uh –'

A flurry of white was all Stiles saw before pain roared up his arm. A wordless cry scraped up his throat, and he jerked back, sprawling horizontally across the thin mattress. The bed rattled beneath him, and rough hands pressed down at his shoulders and ankles, manhandling him as he thrashed and struggled.

Mathis stood back as the orderlies restrained him, examining the dagger he had plunged into Stiles' flesh with interest. The blade winked silver. The blood drenching its point seethed like meat on a griddle, pink and frothy as the smell of barbecue curled through the air.

'Are you out of your fucking mind?' Stiles spat, his chest heaving as the two orderlies tightened the restraints, paying no heed to his kicking feet. They knew how to move themselves to rob him of any leverage. The fingers worked over the buckles by rote, wasting no time as Stiles panted and swore. The burning in his arm had faded to a bone deep ache, as if liquid nitrogen had been pumped into his marrow. It hurt, and his breath hitched in a sob as he bared his teeth at Mathis.

'Me?' The doctor smiled again, and this time it reached his eyes, leaving the dull grey bright and almost charming. 'No, I'm as sane as they come, just like you. But that's not why you're here, is it, Mister Stilinski?' He turned the knife again before dropping his gaze to the wound on Stiles' arm, half hidden beneath the slashed fabric of his hoodie. His blood stained the edges of the cloth, dark and damning. 'You're something else. Something... different.'

He stepped back, jerking his head to the orderlies. 'Take him to the Closed Ward. I will deal with the paperwork.' He cocked his head, giving Stiles a mocking, sorrowful look before he stepped forward, a syringe full of something already angled down to pierce Stiles' flesh. He moved with practical precision, finding a vein with ease. The drug swirled through him, thick and heady, pulling him down towards darkness as his struggles grew clumsier with each second.

'My – my dad –'

'Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Stilinski. It doesn't matter who comes looking for you.' Mathis shook his head, his brow creased in a mask of pity. 'I'm afraid that you'll never be found.'