#Unlearning problematic behaviors

[mosquitogirl]

Do you feel like you’ve done the work of unlearning your past identity (sex) being a man? Sometimes I’m afraid to speak up to trans women who use to be cis men about certain behaviors they have. Sometimes I find them to be operating from a misogynistic and lack of understanding of others and it’s so uncomfortable to experience but also to even have that thought… I feel wrong for thinking that some trans women still have these behaviors from before transition and they can be so harmful but also use their identity as a shield from accountability. I don’t know how to have these conversations?…

you have to recognize that there are plenty of cis women out there who harbor misogynistic beliefs and do not have their fellow women’s interest at heart, so why hold trans women to a different standard? would you also psychoanalyze a problematic cis woman in this way? would you have more grace for them being like that because you better understand (due to your own upbringing) the social pressures that helped make them that way? if so, maybe the problem is that you are not taking the time to better understand trans women and how their experiences may have shaped them into who they are today. it sounds like you view trans women as a separate category from cis women and because they “used to be men”, you feel like they need to take extra steps to repent for their sins. i would challenge you to think critically about why you don’t feel the same about a cis woman who, for instance, voted for trump. i would challenge you to think about how regularly white cis women *do* use their identity as women to shield themselves from accountability when they do or say something racist, it quite literally happens all the time.

what i can say is that transitioning is all about unlearning past behaviors and reshaping yourself. it takes a lot of time and intentional work for anyone to better themselves. maybe you know a tgirl or two that still has a lot to unlearn, but its possible that they just havent been given adequate time and space to get to where you want them to be yet.

[zukosdualdao]

people can ship whatever they want but i’ll never understand the people who claim zutara is an inherently problematic ship and then turn around and ship katara with azula, and act morally superior about it, like.

one of these dynamics canonically had a meaningful reconciliation in which the fire nation character apologized and atoned for their past behavior and unlearned imperialist values. it Was Not That One. so, ship what you want. but don’t be a hypocrite.

[eclectic-sassycoweyes]

Checking myself for racist microaggressions in fandom

Some thoughts I had about how to check myself for micro aggressions in fandom turned into a checklist of sorts. With the encouragement of Andie @paperstorm it resulted in this post that then Neha @theghostofashton was so kind to offer a read-through of before I posted it to help fill in potential blanks and rephrase where needed!

So, something I noticed about my initial reaction to seeing more talk about microaggressive takes and behaviors resurging with the new season airing, was that there was this tiny part of me that went: ‘oh no what if I’ve done something wrong.’ I found this interesting because I think that that’s a pretty human reaction, and one that we all need to unlearn, even if it is rooted in the intention of being a Good and non-racist person.

Because I think that this is part of what can lead us to distance ourselves from the racism that exists in fandom, and to adopt the belief that ‘It can’t be me contributing to this problematic behavior because I’m not racist’, serving as a defense against the risk of being perceived as, or perceiving oneself as, a bad or racist person.

So when that reaction hits, we need to practice channeling those intentions into asking instead ‘what can I do from here on out to help my fellow fandom members who are PoC be able to enjoy fandom without having to encounter racism and microaggressions?’

That means not asking ‘what if’ but instead acknowledging that we are all at risk of contributing to microaggressive behaviors because of both societal and in-fandom mechanisms, that can cause implicit bias to be strengthened and affirmed in the fandom through us adopting each other’s takes, perceptions, interpretations and headcanons. So if I want to avoid being a part of the problem, that means checking myself too. So:

Point 0) I should assume that I have made mistakes in the past and that I will make them again in the future, as that puts me in a better position to be a good/not racist person than assuming the opposite I.e. If I perceive myself as in any way immune to being part of the problem of racism in fandom, then that in itself puts me more at risk of becoming part of the problem.

1-5: Checking my perceptions, takes and beliefs:

Is it important to me to be someone who is not racist, to not exude racist behaviors and to not contribute to racism in fandom? (the point here is of course, as we shall see, that checking this point isn't in itself enough, but it puts me in a better position to check the rest of the list. Being willing to continually learn and grow in this area is what will take me from non-racism to anti-racism).

Is my empathy and focus equally distributed between white and non-white characters? If my empathy and focus is unequally distributed between characters, I need to check with myself whether that could be symptomatic of racist bias. Example: do I notice TK being sad more than I notice Carlos appearing stressed and anguished in 5x01? Do I pay attention to Carlos being absent more than I do to him making an effort to be present? Is it easier for me to emphasize with TK feeling alone and worried than Carlos feeling alone and grieving?

Am I allowing non-white characters the same ‘negative’ emotions as I allow the white characters, also when those emotions lead to what I perceive as bad decisions or transgressions? 

Example: Am I allowing the characters of color to be petty, angry, aggressive, sad, proud, annoyed, worried, insecure, vengeful, grieving and acting with basis in those emotions without it negatively affecting my perception of them as people as much as I am the white characters? I.e. is Carlos walking out the door in 4x04 bc of worry and frustration, worse in my mind than TK walking out on Carlos in 2x04 bc of hurt and anger? Do I emphasize with Carlos for being worried and mad at TK for breaking their agreement to give Iris time, or TK for feeling hurt and ‘wrongly accused’ of having contributed to Iris going missing? Do I validate Carlos as much for acting on for not being ready to introduce his boyfriend or TK for being hurt by being introduced as a ‘friend from work’?

Am I making up valid excuses for the characters of color the same way I am for the white characters? There is so much we don’t see in canon. Parts of storylines, motivations and reasons for why the characters act the way they do, resolutions to conflict or lack thereof that we have to make up ourselves. Example: When TK or Carlos hasn’t explicitly apologized for causing the other hurt in canon, do I excuse that by either assigning them valid reasons for their actions thus deciding that they don’t need to apologize or by headcanoning that the apology does happen, just outside of canon where we don’t see it? Am I able to do this for both of them equally or for TK only? When Carlos struggles with Cooper, and TK not opening up to him in 3x13, do I consider him jealous or do I see him as having valid human emotions such as insecurity and a wish to be there for his partner? When Carlos works late do I assign him reasons of selfishness, vengefulness or indifference towards TK, or do I emphasize with why he’d feel the need to seek justice to a point where that’s difficult to balance along with his marriage i.e assign him reasons such as grief, feeling like no-one else is looking for the killer, and subconsciously seeking closure for his complicated relationship with his father?

Checking my writing and posting:

Focus and empathy/POV: Is there an uneven distribution between white and non-white characters in terms of who and which storylines I write/post about, whose feelings and motivations I focus on in my writing, who I make an in depth analysis-post about? - If there is an uneven distribution between white characters and characters of color, have I taken the time to really consider why? (see also point 2).

Does my writing risk feeding into stereotypes? 

Example: Do I always write Carlos as strong, hypermasculine and dominant and holding the role of support/caretaker for TK? Am I painting Carlos’ parents and his relationship with them as bad, homophobic and neglectful in an un-nuanced way whereas TK’s relationship with his parents are being written as healthy and unproblematic? In my writing, is Carlos seeking out his father’s killer on his own written as problematic whereas Owen taking matters of justice into his own hands, shooting/punching someone is forgotten is validated/heroic?

When writing characters of color, am I being extra mindful of how I write them? This doesn’t mean writing them as I would any white character and thinking box checked. Being mindful sometimes means writing characters of color differently to account for experiences related to them being a person of color and to consciously avoid speaking into or affirming harmful narratives. I should also be considering doing extra research and/or maybe seeking out a sensitivity reader.

Making myself aware of harmful narratives going around in the wider fandom in order to make sure that I don’t risk accidentally affirming them with my writing. Example: right after 5x01 aired a narrative started going around that the state of Tarlos’ relationship was worse than what canon made it out to be. A lot had read Rashad’s interviews, were excited for all the angst to come, and were not getting the happy, newlywed Tarlos we had been hoping for, so for some this speculation/interpretation either didn’t have racist motivation or didn’t have the intention of being micro aggressive. However, that narrative was in some places interconnected with the narrative that Carlos was to blame and of him being a neglectful husband even though canon had shown him as both putting in effort to spending quality time with TK, and being in pain and overworking himself trying to balance a very traumatic situation for which he was not to blame in the first place. All we knew at that point was that Carlos had come home late at least more than 1 time. Speculating that their relationship is in a worse state than canon shows, and writing extremely angsty spec out of love for angst isn’t necessarily or always problematic in itself. But this narrative going around in a way that is intermingled with unsolicited hate and blame directed at Carlos, means that a post that might not otherwise come across as microaggressive, becomes problematic as it risks affirming those narratives if not written very mindfully in terms of focus, empathy and implied blame, and containing the necessary disclaimers. 

Checking this point means listening closely when the PoC in the fandom are making us aware of racist microaggressions taking place/resurging, even if I feel like I for the most part ‘enjoy not seeing it’ on my dashboard. Me feeling like I'm not seeing it on my dashboard, doesn't mean it doesn't exist both in other places and on my dashboard but just in ways where I'm not clocking it as harmful.

Disclaimers - Using the examples from above, if I want to make that thorough analysis if TK’s facial expression the moment Carlos says he isn’t going to be home or I want to write the angstiest spec fic, I need to make sure to add the necessary disclaimers to make sure I don’t feed a problematic narrative that’s going around. Other people don’t know my intentions and can’t read my thoughts. So even if I don't intend to, if I’m not being conscious not to, my post risks hurting fandom members of color and affirming views that might be harmful. 

Examples of disclaimers could be: “I don’t believe that it’s going that bad overall or that Carlos is to blame/isn’t also going through it/missing TK those nights but I found TK’s expressions really interesting in this moment because..” or “It doesn’t seem like it’s every night he doesn’t come home and they seem so happy otherwise but there is just so much that could make TK worry about him and their marriage..” or “it’s so clear how much they love each other and how hard Carlos is trying to balance his marriage and grief/search for justice but the way in which it might remind TK of his parents/past addiction is so interesting..”

(It might also be relevant to check out point 2 and 5 on whether my focus and empathy is equally distributed). 

Calling it out or making sure to gently make OP aware, and moderating or showing my disagreement when I see racist/micro aggressive takes, also when those takes are posted by my friend who I believe didn’t have racist intentions with it. This isn’t saying that I should call out any and all posts that focus on TK or are super angsty. But if a post is speaking into or at risk of affirming harmful narratives, a simple “This is such an interesting take on how TK’s trauma could contribute to him worrying about their marriage! I think it’s really important rn to point out that Carlos isn’t to blame for this situation though. He’s in so much pain too”. Calling each other out/gently making OP aware or moderating/disagreeing with a take in the tags is also a way to stop a potentially harmful narrative from surging and being further affirmed and adopted in the fandom. 

Important end notes:

Checking point 0 puts me in a better position to check point 1-10.

Checking point 1 does not automatically make me check point 2-5, I still have to continuingly reflect and think critically about my own takes and perceptions.

Checking point 1-5 does not mean I automatically check 6-9. I still have to be making a conscious effort to check my writing and posting as I am otherwise at risk of affirming a microaggressive take going around in fandom, or in society. Actually, I risk accidentally doing so even when I am making an effort not to. 

Which is why I need to also check point 10.

We need to help carry the weight of making fandom a safe, comfortable and fun space for the people of color in it, so that that weight doesn’t rest solely on their shoulders. Because fandom should be a place that is equally as fun, safe and comfortable for PoC as it is for white fandom members, and right now it isn't. Assuming that I am not immune to being part of the problem to stave off anxiety or a negative self perception, but instead channeling those intentions into a purer sense of empathy for my fandom members of color and and deciding to do the constructive work of checking my perceptions, my takes and my writing, and helping to call out and moderate potentially or obviously microaggressive and racist takes when I see them, is a way to do that.

[jellatonoflove]

i love hazbin hotel. i am extremely critical of it at the same time.

ive found that its actually a lot more fun to imagine things they *couldve* done in a positive light. like scenes where the characters address problematic things from their time periods (like alastor needing to straighten his natural hair, for example) and learn to grow from that shit! actually seeing them come into the more modern and kind world, and actually seeing them redeem! not just that, just things about themselves, you know? like genuinely getting therapy, which is what the show is about. unlearning self destructive behavior and healing from trauma and growing as people, give me some of *that* shit.

dont get me wrong; pointing out what helluva and hazbin did wrong is very, very important for this community. its just also beneficial to imagine the possible positives, and making fan content of that. this isnt me saying that you have to positive about the show, or that you have to do this. its just nice to think about, you know?

[mariacallous]

Not gonna name names, but there's a particular brand of white progressives on Twitter who've been trying to rebrand themselves over the past nine months since the far-left shit the bed over I/P. But you can tell they, once again, aren't interested in putting in the hard work in unlearning all the problematic behaviors they picked up in those lily-white spaces, because they're fighting with Black Democrats - who've been in these trenches much longer - about why they think Biden should drop out.

Like, nine months ago, these people were essentially ratfuckers. And they've still done zero self-reflection, not even the ones who were turned off by the far-left's antisemitism. They have the audacity to whitesplain to people why their magical white/white ticket can poll well enough against the GOP with 4-5 months left until the general election, especially in the battleground states, and how screwing over Biden (the only man to ever beat Trump, the man who received the most votes ever in a general election, and also the incumbent who received the most primary votes in history) and especially Harris totally won't hurt them in PA/MI/WI, the states that are going to decide this.

The absolute audacity of white leftists. I don't think they can be fixed.

I mean, it's unfortunately not that surprising.

[thedroloisms]

just an essay bc it's been on my mind but the way that victimhood becomes a weapon on social media is so fucking stupid and counterintuitive to actual advocacy. people wielding "im a victim" as a defense not only in situations actually involving their specific case but also in basically every damn situation in the world is so ???? even in cases involving dream, for example, i will see people using his history as a means of defending him (it's really fucked up that you would accuse a victim of ___, he's an abuse victim i'm sure he won't defend ___ and that he'll ___) and while i understand where that sentiment comes from, the base assumption it's making is...nakedly untrue. and assuming its truthfulness can hurt victims moreso than it helps them.

being a victim isn't moralizing. being a victim doesn't make you a good person. suffering isn't absolution, and going through fucked up shit doesn't make someone "good." people equate abuser = bad person and victim = good person, and then assume that victims are incapable of abusive behavior or "problematic" internalized ideas. an abuser can't be neurodivergent, or mentally ill, or part of a marginalized group, and most importantly an abuser can't be a victim. the boxes of victim and abuser are strictly defined with no overlap. once you've been through something truly, verifiably, Fucked Up (tm), congrats! you get a certificate of eternal victimhood that prevents you from ever being a Real Bad Person ever for the rest of your life.

only that's not how real life works! it's just not! generational trauma leads to cycles of abuse that perpetuate themselves over whole generations of people! the kids that think that it's perfectly fine and a-okay for a parent to physically punish their children don't tend to be the ones with parents that don't lay a finger on them! and you know, it sucks. it sucks that you get nothing out of being hurt, that there's no fucking prize, that there are no suffering vouchers for you to cash in because of the abuse you suffered that can give you good-person-points. it sucks to endure all that shit for nothing. but the opposite idea of suffering making you a good person is the exact reason why some people preach about the miles they walked to school in the driving rain to excuse taking out their shitty temper on their small children.

being abused generally doesn't make one "better." if anything, trauma tends to fuck you up in ways that hurt you...and others. going through shit tends to make people worse. working to get better is something that requires actual conscious effort, not something that you are given as a side effect of going through hell. over and over again, traumatized individuals who are made to feel powerless and given little freedom and ability to change their circumstances, when in a situation where they are given power to some degree over some person, may choose to abuse that power while they're in their own abusive situation or after. part of being a victim of abuse often means having a distorted view of the abuse you've been through! it can mean normalizing fucked up behavior! looking at shit and treating it lightly because you've been taught that it's "not that bad," if you've been taught that it's bad at all! victims aren't granted perfect ideologies from god because they walked through flames--cult survivors usually have to unlearn all sorts of messed up beliefs that were drilled into them--beliefs that many people on twitter would then damn them for, because obviously if you've thought something like that in the past then you're a bigoted hateful individual.

i can only speak from my own experience, but i can't fucking count the number of people i've heard of or met or known personally who have been through some kind of trauma in the past, who are undoubtably victims of abuse, who then go on to act in toxic, manipulative, and abusive ways to others. oftentimes, these people are aware of the fact that they were in abusive situations in the past and make quite a big deal about the fact that they care about victims, as a victim, and want to advocate for them. they're the same people who react extremely negatively to anyone alluding to the idea that they could be abusive--they're not like that, they've been abused, how could anyone accuse them of abusing another person, don't they know how much that hurts with their history. and so on and so forth.

and...i have a lot of sympathy for these individuals, generally speaking. because as mentioned above, being abused in the past doesn't necessarily make it harder for you to be a perpetrator in the future. sometimes--oftentimes, even--it's the opposite. and i feel for them, because going through trauma and being hurt makes you scramble for ways to not be hurt again, and oftentimes the easiest answer for that (and the ways of solving problems as modeled to them in the past!) is control, and controlling another party can very easily slip into manipulative, abusive behavior. especially if you still have internalized ideas mixed in with the fear that surviving abuse entails, internalized ideas that are often left unexamined by people who believe that their victimhood absolves them from any further responsibility. i feel for people who are deathly afraid of ever being seen as terrible people, oftentimes because of the shit that they went through, who seek explanations for their abusers' behavior that make it so much easier to simplify the matter into "they're something separate from me, something that i can never become." i sympathize with the anger and fear and frustration and grief that might never had had a healthy outlet while in a past situation that ends up poured out into places where it shouldn't be in the present, i sympathize with the desire to find reason in being hurt where it doesn't exist, to want there to be something to make the whole damn thing worth it instead of having nothing to take with you but your pain.

but at the end of the day, that's not how life works. that's not how abuse works. yeah, there are abusers who are cruel for cruelty's sake, who are aware of the harm they do and desire to cause more--and there are just as many who genuinely believe that they're doing the right thing, that they're doing good, that they care for the one that they're hurting unselfishly and wholeheartedly. there are many, many people who hurt others because they have been hurt before, and this isn't an excuse--of course not--but refusing to acknowledge the ways that pain can perpetuate itself and blinding oneself to the possibility of their own actions ever being abusive can literally be how this pain continues. it's good to be self aware, it's good to want to do the right thing, but assuming that victims are good people because of the suffering they went through not only means that so-called "bad victims" (or anyone that's not yet Acceptably untangled the thought patterns and actions that have been normalized to them, or anyone who lashes out in quote-unquote appropriate ways as judged by whatever social media council is handing out social justice tickets for the week) get overlooked and ignored, but abusive patterns of behavior are allowed to continue to exist, just in a repackaged form with different language. it's not fair to victims to nail them to this standard of so-called righteousness that is also inextricably connected to their experiences, allowed to be revoked if they're too "abuser" to be "victim" anymore, or to overlook the victims of their behavior because their inherent suffering-borne righteousness keeps them from crossing the line into bad behavior.

at the end of the day, no one deserves abuse, victims deserve to be advocated for, and people who have been through horrific shit didn't deserve to go through horrific shit. but you don't get handed get-out-of-jail-free cards for being treated badly, you know?

[foxwitchaine]

What red flags do you think Adrien has?

First and foremost, Adrien hasn't changed during the series. Like, at all. If this had been any other series with a "Status Quo is God" mentality, I wouldn't be so nitpicky. The problem is we were promised plot all the way back in Season 2. And plot typically involves characters changing, growing, and developing along the way. I know I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but Avatar: The Last Airbender is pretty much the gold standard of what kid's shows nowadays should aspire to be like. The old "it's for kids" excuse is only gonna go so far when we've had gems such as ATLA, the Batman Animated Series, the OG Justice League, the OG Teen Titans, heck even anime like Sailor Moon and Dragon Ball Z on air. I'm personally not a fan of Dragon Ball Z, but even I can acknowledge what Akira Toriyama accomplished.

Those works also weren't afraid to get dark and scary while still being age-appropriate. Something modern kid's cartoons can all learn from, be it Disney, Cartoon Network, or even Nickelodeon. And something they all have in common? A strong and well-structured plot. Emphasis on "well-structured". I can't claim to know what goes on in the writing room of Miraculous Ladybug, but it's painfully clear hardly anyone knows what they're doing. And it's resulted in the "plot" of the show turning into a tangled tumbleweed drifting across the desert of discarded but better-written ideas.

Whatever the metaphor is, anyway.

Let's continue.

Adrien's second biggest red flag is his continuous defense of characters like Chloe and more recently Lila. I'm admittedly ignoring Season 4 onward because I cannot fathom disrespecting your characters (and audience) so much you turn a kid's show into your own vanity project just to stroke your ego. But that's beside the point.

Adrien has the unfortunate habit of defending problematic people like pre-"redemption" Chloe (I use that word loosely as I'm doing my own Chloe redemption in my fic with Rafe) and Lila. You could argue that it's because of the way his father raised him. But it defeats the whole purpose of Adrien getting to go to school.

School is a place where you learn and grow. And figure out how to deal with unpleasant stuff, such as bullying, incompetent teachers, and apathetic faculty (I'm telling on myself, I just know). The problem is that Adrien, despite all his chances to figure out how to unlearn the behaviors Gabriel instilled in him, has not once made any active attempts to improve himself. Yeah. I know. I may be a little too harsh on him, but that's because I saw potential in Adrien to be much better than he is now. Disregarding the Sentimonster theory being confirmed (again, I'm also ignoring that), Adrien's stagnation is very telling of both the character and the writers. No matter what happens in the show, the universe bends itself backwards to acknowledge his existence. Do you know what that's called in writing?

A Mary Sue. Or, in Adrien's case, a Marty Stu. You could argue that Marinette is a Mary Sue, but she gets torn down so much in the show the argument is pretty much moot.

Do note that this is not aimed to tear down anyone who's written Mary Sues or Marty Stus. I've created several of my own in my early days as a writer. Who hasn't. The thing is, though, as I grew up, so did my characters and my writing.

Adrien hasn't grown up since the start of the show. And that's very telling.

Then there's the third biggest red flag of Adrien: his behavior as Chat Noir. I know it feels unfair to use that against him, but it's been stated multiple times that Chat Noir is, in essence, Adrien's true self without his everyday mask.

If that is who he is without any limits, then I want him as far away from me as possible.

Preferably, with a restraining order.

I have yet to figure out why this keeps happening when Hollywood and other big-name studios write romance — even by female authors and writers — but it has to stop. Men, most sane women prefer it if you accept the first "no" as an answer. That goes for you too, ladies. No, I don't care if this pisses anyone off. I'm an equal-opportunity realist. And I'm gonna say something that will likely have people calling for my head on a pike:

Relationships in general are built on mutual trust and communication. It's hard work maintaining a healthy relationship, it really is. But more often than not, it's one of the most fulfilling things anyone can possibly dream of. No, this doesn't mean everyone is obligated to say yes to romance. There are those who choose to avoid romance altogether.

And that's perfectly fine. I just happen to be a romantic who enjoys romance. That's my personal preference (no, this doesn't mean I like red flags).

The writers of Miraculous Ladybug seem to be under the impression that teenagers should hook up with the first hot person they meet. And that's a very dangerous message to spread. Because what if the first hot person they meet is a domestic abuser? Or worse: a criminal who has no issue using whatever they can to control and dominate their partner.

Adrien — and by proxy, Chat Noir — has displayed behavior that's alarmingly similar to domestic abusers despite his sunshine persona. He's destroyed property because Ladybug told him "no" (Sentibubbler). He set up a date even though Ladybug told him she had plans, then had the audacity to get huffy and upset about it (Glaciator). He's lied to someone about his relationship with her, then blamed her for the resulting akuma.

Note that the last example was from Copycat, a Season 1 episode. Which bears the disturbing implication that this is an ongoing issue, not a one-time problem.

Adrien Agreste had potential to be a great character.

It's too bad the writers have stressed he's too perfect to change.

[soft-persephone]

I read ur tags on the video abt drake and Kendrick “not caring about women” in the middle of the rap beef and I totally agree about Kendrick btw. It reminded me of someone i saw on Tik tok who made a video defending Kendrick from the “but he didn’t want r Kelly’s music removed from streaming platforms!” thing and what it turns out it ACTUALLY was about was that Spotify was going to put up a “moral and behavior” policy where they would remove the complete discography of any artist who they found out had a criminal record, which is incredibly discriminatory against all convicted people, no matter what they’re convicted for, and infringes on their 1st amendment rights and just the very human right to make art and have that art be preserved. So it was less about “I love r kelly so much im gonna threaten to take all my music off Spotify if they remove his” and more “this policy is actually infringing on artists’ rights and discriminatory against people with a criminal record.” I’m not saying Kendrick is our feminist messiah but like cmon yall he does not hate women and he’s not just calling out drake for clout

A lot of what Kendrick gets reduced to certain narratives because their are a lot of negative things that come with hip hop, and it does do more harm than good especially in the case with “fake woke” rappers.

I don’t believe in putting celebrities on a pedestal and no person is perfect. Him putting Kodak Black on Mr. Morale did rub me the wrong way. Him dead naming some of his family members rightfully upset some people.

I can’t speak for that, so I won’t because it’s not my place, so I just listen and support those that can.

But all I can really say is, the process of growing and wanting to be better person isn’t pretty. Watching someone unlearn racism fatphobia, transphobia, and etc is never without mistakes.

If we are really advocating for people to be better on all fronts, the response is always anger when we they don’t get it right the first time or show they don’t have a full understanding of it.

What do we really want fork people? We tell them to grow and do better? But if you’ve actually walked someone through that or seen it, why are we getting so mad when they make a mistake along the way.

No it’s not our place to teach them. But if they are making a genuine effort, why not make a quick comment and move on. How does him doing these two things and “fumbling” the narrative for black growth as a man in America by including Kodak black and trying to show him stepping away from transphobia in a more problematic than not way, absolve everything he’s ever done or thinks and do thereafter?

I am not saying these thingsto be derivative. I am asking from a genuine place.

That said, it doesn’t make those things right.

I think he said some quiet parts out loud that he shouldn’t have, but at the end of the day he has to be held accountable. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I don’t think Kendrick has ever said anything in song he doesn’t fully believe. He’s very intentional, that might be the place where people are angry with him because it’s clear these things were done on purpose.

I can’t speak for him as I am just a fan. I may be biased as well, so that may be effecting how I think about this, so I try to be mindful and address that as well.

I try to be responsible and try not to deflect other peoples thoughts, feelings, and opinions on some of these things because they hurt some people and affect more people more than they ever would me and it wouldn’t be right.

But, we don’t know him and we never do, so all we can do is speculate, and some more than others like to choose the worst over any benefit of the doubt because in a man driven world when have they never not have that.

I don’t want to be an enabler to that system.

[saltminerising]

As much as I agree that the Boa lore is problematic and should be addressed, you gotta remember, progress is not linear and unlearning biases and becoming better people and creators, and working on not playing into racist tropes and stereotypes is a Process. You’re not going to snap your fingers and as if by magic the problematic shit has left your body. They’ve taken more steps in correcting past behavior than many people do ever, and while I’m not saying they deserve asspats for the bare fucking minimum, I’m saying that don’t immediately start shitting on staff for not being 100% perfect 100% of the time. Progress takes time, and it’s been less than a year since they’ve started the lore revamp and improving themselves. Acknowledge it’s a problem, voice your thoughts, don’t come to the drama blog going ‘HOW DID NO ONE SEE THIS???’ ‘They beat the racism allegations then do it again’ I didn’t recognize the harmful tropes in the Boa lore until it was pointed out to me. Not everyone is perfect, ESPECIALLY if that variety of racism was not something they were raised with or around. One person’s experience is not yours. Progress isn’t linear. And for gods sakes give a bit of grace when people are actively trying to improve themselves. We’re all just trying to survive on this bitch of a planet.

[curoopeez]

The fact that the Netflix live action adaptation of atla proudly announced that they were cuttingsexist elements from the story highlights how harmful is the modern mindset of "censoring" problematic themes

Sokka's sexism was on a very surface level the show telling the audience that that kind of behavior was bad. His journey of unlearning sexism was meant to take along members of the (child) audience who had beliefs like he had at the start. Removing this part of the story shows how modern productions are so afraid of showing a likeable character have moral flaws that they end up harming the audience.

Furthermore, Sokka's sexist traits were a very clear overcompensation of gender roles because he was the closest thing the south water tribe had left of an adult man at 16 years old when he couldn't possibly be prepared for that. The fact that his journey of unlearning sexism started when he left the place where he had to perform masculinity at full strength is important. In the South Pole, he was a child soldier desperately trying to raise a new generation of warriors with the knowlege that for maybe two decades he would be the only line of defense against invadors during a war. While travelling with Katara and Aang, he got to be just an older brother

[innocentimouto]

One thing I’ve noticed is that most people in the atla fandom aren’t invested in discussing any trauma experienced directly by war and tend to value “more commonly known trauma”. 

Zuko getting burned? Being unloved? Having anger issues due to it? Desperately wanting his father’s love?

Everyone understands this in the fandom and explains all his behavior through these lenses.

Iroh losing his son. Sokka wanting to prove himself to his father and be a leader is relatable to many kids trying to grow up and fill shoes expected of them. Toph wanting her parents to understand her.

These are all things many people relate to in some way. Without having to have lived through war.

It’s why most Mai haters don’t even hate her for supporting the Fire Nation. Many don’t recognize that’s a problem. They hate her for how she acts around Zuko. Another relationship issue that can exist outside of a war situation.

Sometimes I get the vibe that people hate Mai for supposedly NOT being loyal to the Fire Nation (apparently calling her selfish and uncaring for her own people).

It’s why people have difficulty understanding Ty Lee also participated in taking down Ba Sing Se and harming many people in the process. And why it’s severely problematic that she just joined Suki.

It’s why Zuko’s racist and sexist lines throughout the show get tossed aside because he had a “redemption arc”. You don’t unlearn things you were taught to believe your whole life that quickly. Even the most sincere person would stumble and say something harmful or unwittingly carry harmful and racist beliefs.

It’s why his pathetic apology to Suki for burning her village is glossed over, like actual people couldn’t have died then. Like it’s so easy to forgive losing your home like that.

It’s why Iroh losing his son is so important and connects to his relationship with Zuko, which apparently makes Iroh good. Yeah, Iroh did bad things whatever those were, but it’s all good now. Anyone who is angry at him just lost their way and needs some tea and wisdom. Anger is not the answer.

His actions in the war are an afterthought. Other characters will get headcanons stretching any action in the most negative light:

Azula burning a doll

Aang kissing Katara without permission

Mai not giving in to Zuko’s every whim

Jet wanting Zuko to join the Freedom Fighters

Notice again, none of these things are exclusive to war. Even when people write Iroh negatively, it’s more on how he doesn’t help Zuko or doesn’t offer any help to Azula.

No one questions why he met dragons and still continued to conquer land. Few people discuss how very not wise it was of him to finally stop supporting the fn after his son died.

Even when people say he was indoctrinated and that’s hard to get out of----

then why do you hate on Azula? Why is it not hard for her?

Because she lied to Zuko. Because she worked for Ozai who abused Zuko. This is why Azula is at times more hated than Ozai. It’s not because of her actions in war. It’s because Zuko views her as this big obstacle that he agonizes trying to beat.

Again, not fully related to war.

Zuko and Azula and Ty Lee and Mai worked to conqueror BSS? Azula is the evil one. 

This seems less like the suffering of the victims are being prioritized and more like a character who’s already hated is facing even more hate.

Jet floods a village. People still hate him more for manipulating Katara. To them he’s not horrible because he flooded a village. He’s horrible because he used Katara first and then he flooded a village.

Jet is seen as the abusive and manipulative boyfriend. Or an out of control angered teenager “whose prejudice killed him”.

There’s little discussion on why he would flood Gaipan. The most common is that he was angry. Or he wanted to spread pain. Nothing about facing actual danger or who was living there or that maybe the Fire Nation could decide to burn the forest if they got fed up.

His trauma is vaguely acknowledged and only to further show how dangerous he is to others. Being suspicious of Zuko is deemed as stalking. Stealing from the ferry is labelled as evil and proof he didn’t change from Book 1 despite being given to other refugees. In fact Jet is the only one seen giving out food.

Jet grew up an orphan in a forest with other orphans under him and a very common take is that he’s like a cult leader trying to get more people to brainwash. He can’t let go of the war because of anger and extremism. His trauma makes him dangerous and not uwu and in need of help and love like Zuko’s.

People think Katara could forgive Zuko easily but not Jet. Because Jet manipulated her. And Zuko just tried to kill her and her brother and capture the Avatar thus taking away hope for winning the war...

These are on entirely different levels. There is also the fact that Zuko invaded her home and made her experience what happened when her mother died all over again.

But that’s okay because Zuko apologized and he was traumatized, and Katara has a big heart. But bring Jet into the equation and it’s not even whether he apologizes or not; most decide Katara would never forgive him. 

Again, trauma and consequences of war are devalued. None of Jet’s trauma beyond anger is acknowledged and still it’s only to condemn him for hating the fn. Which would be entirely understandable if people looked at it through the context of war.

The same way Azula hate would lessen if people were to recognize everything she did was because her nation expected soldiers to. She wasn’t a singular evil, reveling in Zuko’s suffering. She was following orders from her leader and serving her nation.

Which people could recognize if they think “Zuko got his scar from being disobedient” and “maybe the same could happen to Azula”.

“Azula is horrible to her friends” and not she’s the freaking princess they have to obey her by law she completely outranks them she is in fact showing a human side by allowing them room to treat her like a friend.

“Jet needs to let go of his anger” and not witnessing your family and home killed for no reason and seeing dozens of other children face the same thing and then having to fend for yourself in a forest because not even your own people want to care for you and no matter how much anger and grief you feel nothing happens and no one is coming to help you and now it’s your job to protect other children and you never asked for any of this and why won’t this stop and you have every right to be angry

I could go on, but this is also why many don’t relate to Aang. Yeah he lost his people but--

I’m sorry what?

Genocide is something plenty of people can understand and plenty of people don’t and unfortunately the people who don’t tend to make it hard for survivors to speak about it or be angry and want justice.

Aang should have all the justification to be angry. He should have all the justification to run away from his responsibilities. He is a child meant to save the world and everyone he loves is gone. His nightmares of finally facing Ozai are made into a joke about school to be more relatable to kids. Personally I think that even if many kids wouldn’t understand the genocide aspect, they could understand why Aang would be anxious.

Almost all of the fandom loves Toph because she’s always right and rough and amazing and again very few question her line of “not my problem” to helping in the war. Most don’t discuss how her wealthy life would have shielded her entirely from the war, making it difficult for her to understand any of the Gaang’s trauma.

One might say “it’s a kid show so they couldn’t show too much of war”.

They had Zuko burned and screaming. They had Katara about to kill someone in cold blood. They had Toph almost fall to her death. They had Hama in chains in a cell for years. They had animal abuse. They had brainwashing and women with no other role than to be puppets.

Even if they couldn’t show too much of war, they should have toned down the amount of humanization the Fire Nation got. 

Basically I feel like this stems from how people experience trauma outside of war and how it’s become more acceptable to speak about it, but people who have suffering from war and colonization still aren’t welcomed enough and aren’t heard in online spaces and it really shows in this fandom sometimes.

[nothorses]

About your post about Educating People, it also means you have to give clear examples of how privilege, bigotry, and stereotypes actually work, because you can't be morally uppity that ignorant people can't fully grasp it.

So much online discourse makes me exhausted, because I see a post on my dashboard, and then immediately several posts talking about why that post is problematic, often without clear explanations.

Ironically, it was Writing With Color, a blog listing a bunch of stereotypes and actually engaging in discussion about the historical roots of why they exist, that helped me dismantle my racism, antiblackness, and sexism. I'm not white by the way! Far from it. But Writing with Color helped so much more in me understanding fandom racism than something like End OTW racism that seeks to moderate the fics of a goddamn archive, lmao.

I feel so many people assign a Moral Factor or Threshold you have to meet before you get to call yourself anti-ableist, anti-racist, a feminist, etcetera. And these same people often say, "Unlearning systemic oppression is a lifelong journey so just shut up and learn and stop your white fragility." (A valid point! But when someone makes a mistake that's likely stemming from extremely subconscious belief, they say, "Are you really an anti-racist, etcetera." )

I'm just tired of the guilt tripping, the gatekeeping. Leftism is being learned through scrambled social media condemning certain behaviors without connecting to the larger movement, and people are angry when others make the resulting mistakes. There is barely any kindness, lmao, or real education.

Yes, exactly!

Education is necessarily about community. In order to effectively educate people, you have to understand what and how they need to learn; where they're starting from, what the next steps might be, and how to engage them in that process.

You need to help them avoid shutting down, either because they feel overwhelmed or don't know where to start, or because they feel guilty and ashamed, or like they can't trust their teachers and mentors enough that they're able to open themselves up, ask for the help and clarity they need, and put their time and energy into the learning process for and with them.

Learning involves a lot of vulnerability! You're admitting things you don't know, you're asking for help, and you're trusting someone else to guide you in something you can't navigate alone.

Educating is difficult and taxing, and educators take on a lot of risk and harm in the process, too. But if we can't honor the vulnerability we're being trusted with, and we can't value the learning process, we're not going to be able to educate at all.

And if we want to see our values, knowledge, skills, and wisdom reflected in our communities, we need to engage in this process. We need to educate, and we need to learn.

And that's gonna take a lot of work, vulnerability, and trust that a lot of us, being very often traumatized people, are going to struggle with- which means it's that much more crucial that we share our progress by supporting others in making it as well. We need to trust people, forgive their mistakes, and initiate positive learning interactions ourselves. We need to show our communities patience and compassion, and we need to do it even (and especially) when it's not given to us first.

Change doesn't happen passively, and you can't destroy your way into creating something better.

[aspd-culture]

i have been abusive in the past to my gf. i think of myself as wanting to get better and my gf says i am, but shes admitted she says anything to me because of how i behave and she knows how important this is to me. how can i know when i stop if ive scared everyone out of being honest...?

Firstly, I wanna say good on you. It's really big deal that you're working on this. I am certain that she appreciates it, and it's very important to unlearn the abusive behaviors. It isn't easy to admit you've been abusive and even harder to decide you want to change that. That's a massive step in itself to getting better./gen

The best advice I can give you is to not ask the people who you have abused to give you information on this. As a product of abuse, even if they really try and want to be honest, they will not feel safe doing so. That's not something they can help, especially while you're still in the process of changing.

If you have been making progress, though, it may be worth asking if she is comfortable telling you what you have been doing that has helped her feel more safe around you, so that you can continue and expand upon those things. That may feel much less unsafe for her to talk to you about and would still very much help you change your behavior.

Instead, if you're willing to get a professional, they will be your best bet on this so long as you be certain to be upfront about what you are trying to unlearn so you can see how they react. While some therapists can respond poorly to people with abusive histories, many will be proud of you for recognizing the need to do better so long as you put in the work.

If you can't or are unwilling to (valid) see a professional, the next best thing is to do your own research on the therapy techniques taught to people who have been abusive. Look into the resources that explain what abuse is as well, so you know what exactly is problematic. It may be more than you would think, as it's difficult for many pwASPD to realize what may cause fear/power imbalance with prosocial people.

I'm sure there is more advice I'm not thinking of, so if anyone has any, feel free to add on.

Plain text below the cut:

Firstly, I wanna say good on you. It's really big deal that you're working on this. I am certain that she appreciates it, and it's very important to unlearn the abusive behaviors. It isn't easy to admit you've been abusive and even harder to decide you want to change that. That's a massive step in itself to getting better./gen

The best advice I can give you is to not ask the people who you have abused to give you information on this. As a product of abuse, even if they really try and want to be honest, they will not feel safe doing so. That's not something they can help, especially while you're still in the process of changing.

If you have been making progress, though, it may be worth asking if she is comfortable telling you what you have been doing that has helped her feel more safe around you, so that you can continue and expand upon those things. That may feel much less unsafe for her to talk to you about and would still very much help you change your behavior.

Instead, if you're willing to get a professional, they will be your best bet on this so long as you be certain to be upfront about what you are trying to unlearn so you can see how they react. While some therapists can respond poorly to people with abusive histories, many will be proud of you for recognizing the need to do better so long as you put in the work.

If you can't or are unwilling to (valid) see a professional, the next best thing is to do your own research on the therapy techniques taught to people who have been abusive. Look into the resources that explain what abuse is as well, so you know what exactly is problematic. It may be more than you would think, as it's difficult for many pwASPD to realize what may cause fear/power imbalance with prosocial people.

I'm sure there is more advice I'm not thinking of, so if anyone has any, feel free to add on.

[localhollerhaint]

People ask me about shadow work like it's witchcraft. Like there is a spell you can cast that will erase or heal the past but you can't wave a wand and unlearn all your problematic behavior. You can't kiss a frog and become self aware. You can't eat a magic cake and obtain spiritual growth. Shadow work hurts and it's hard, it's shedding broken pieces and scars, learning who you are, accepting who you are, loving who you are. You have to look your own toxicity in the eyes, grab it by its face and drag it to the river so you can both look at your reflection. So you can wash yourself clean of the you you never wanted to be. So you can teach it to swim instead of drown, after all you only pull others down when you are drowning. You don't have to keep drowning.

[yourfavouritemotherlyanti]

(Hii, gonna be copying and pasting my introductory pinned textpost with updated changes since I cannot access the original account I made sadly. If you want to support me and my journey after reading, please follow my other social media platforms as listed below!^w^Thank you, sweeties<3!!(^/////^)).

"Hmph so I suppose i have accidentally started somewhat of a storm on Twitter atleast, specifically where the proshippers, lolishotacons, fujoshis/fudanshis and other problematic anime stans come to be(All for wanting an inclusive comfy and cozy BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, disabled and neurodivergent safe space for other minor antishippers in fandom), but ofc they're gonna make it out to be some horrible act for being against the sexualization/fetishization of childish-aesthetics in gross hentai manga doujins. Lmfao how sad, but anyways I need to shut up and get to my introductiomascot! Hi! My name is Milky and I am a 17 y.o. LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent(Dxed-AuDHD)girl(or boy-)who uses she/he pronouns and runs a somrwhat??anonymous Tumblr Blog known as YourFavouriteMotherlyAnti Aka TheFandomSafetyDefenseMom! The purpose of my page and others on different social media platforms I may make accounts on is to protect, warn and guide innocent and vunerable fandom minors who may have been groomed into proshipper spaces into safety, away from dangerous communities surrounding fictional content by helping them unlearn unhealthy coping skills through love and understanding! Recently though, there have been many horrible and abrupt accusations put against me with no proof from proshippers attempting to put me down, but I won't give the haters what they want. After all, nobody wants anyone to be hurt(including me). With your help, we can fix others problematic behaviors and make fandom a better place where minors can have fun safely without any nasty freaks ruining it! If you want to support me, please check out my Twitter or any of my other accounts on the social media platforms I am on. But I guess that's all for now, so toodles~!!♡(Btw sorry about my page not looking the most polished rn, I still need to fix it up still)Anywho, have my mascot!"-YourFavouriteMotherlyAntishipper♡.

My Social Media Platforms!!: Instagram(Locked due to me and many other users atleast protesting against their new policy on AI)and Twitter(I refuse to call it "X")with a TikTok coming soon QwQ.

[misccy27]

I want to talk about something that happens in Thanks to Them that has been haunting me lately.

Nobody wants to talk about it (and I know why and I'll get to that) but I want to talk about it anyway so just here me out.

I like the fact that Hunter locks Flapjack up in Thanks to Them.

I don't mean that I like that he does it. I just mean that I like that it happened.

Because Hunter was so, so brainwashed before Hollow Mind. It's hard to remember sometimes because of how much he changes after Hollow Mind, but.

Hunter was extremely isolated growing up. He was raised in a cult by the manipulative sadist his life was centered around. That is going to have some lingering effects.

Hunter is very good at adapting to changes in his environment and mirroring the behaviors of those around him. But no matter how good his intentions are and how much he's trying, it just isn't possible for him to unlearn his entire belief system overnight. Like, that was his entire life.

And it's one thing to learn that Belos is and always has been evil. But it's an entirely separate task to then have to go through any given belief that he grew up with and internalized, recognize the problem(s) with that belief, and replace it with something healthier. And that's essentially all of his beliefs that he has to do this with.

And he is doing it! Hunter is doing a great job. But it's going to be a patchwork process of observing his friends' behaviors and the healthier relationships adults are modeling for him. (This is one thing that therapy could help with; consciously recognizing and addressing problematic beliefs before he inadvertently acts on them).

But some things just won't come up, at least not within the first few months.

Which brings me back to the scene in Thanks to Them.

It gets to me so much. Because it is one of the very few less sympathetic ways that the show allows Hunter's lingering abuse symptoms to manifest. But they included it, and there are so many things that could be said about it. For example:

It has parallels to Any Sport in a Storm,

where Hunter locks up his friends because he wants them to join the Emperor's Coven.

It also has parallels to Eclipse Lake,

where Belos tries to keep Hunter isolated in the castle with the excuse of keeping him safe.

There are other things that could be discussed. Other things that I desperately wanted to see with this scene. For example, I really wanted one of Hunter's friends to see this happening and to tell Hunter, hey, this isn't okay. Because Hunter is very stubborn pre-HM, but HM really rips the rug out from under him on everything, so I just want to see how he reacts to people he now trusts telling him that he's doing something wrong. Would he defer to them immediately? Does he have trouble trusting his own judgment now? Would he feel guilty about doing something bad? Would he feel worse about not knowing that it was bad when he did it?

But we'll never know, because no one catches Hunter doing this. We also don't get to see Flapjack getting out of the cage. I'm assuming Hunter is the one who let Flapjack out after him and Luz don't find any evidence of Belos, but we don't actually see him make that decision. Flapjack is just... not in the cage a few scenes later.

Which means that this scene serves no function in the plot. It doesn't actually change the way things play out. It is only here to inform us that, yes, Hunter does indeed still have some concerning misconceptions about the way the world works and how he should treat his loved ones.

Which, fine. Great. I understand the Shortening, I get it, I will happily take my crumbs. Except:

The narrative proves Hunter right.

And that, I'm guessing, is the reason that no one likes to talk about this scene.

Because Flapjack is brutally murdered like 20 minutes after this scene takes place.

He is murdered by Belos using Hunter's own hand. It is just. The worst-case scenario.

So the order of events is: Hunter locks Flapjack up, and he thinks he is doing the right thing because he is doing it to keep Flapjack safe. Flapjack is then out of the cage just in time to be murdered.

And again, this scene could have been removed entirely without affecting the plot at all. But since it did stay in, with the events playing out the way that they did, what actually happens is that the narrative reinforces Hunter's problematic behavior. You were right, Hunter! Guess you should have locked that cage up tighter, you sad child!

So, yeah, I do love the scene for confirming that Hunter didn't just instantaneously unlearn everything. But I hate it in the context of the narrative. And if it were up to me, I would have kept this scene in and removed the plot of Flapjack getting murdered, for a variety of reasons. But that's a different topic.

Anyway, I don't expect this scene to become relevant again in the finale. I think it's just another dropped thread. But if it does come up again, then at this point I will accept nothing less than a frame-by-frame recreation of Zuko locking up Mai in the Boiling Rock but with huntlow. No one calls him out on it, the narrative reinforces it, it is actually a good thing this time because Hunter's now a ✨hero✨