#Ugh I don't know

[cheriafreya]

I hate being a F2P player it's driving me insane

[kingflups]

I've been stuck thinking about when I asked my mom to teach me to play the guitar lately. It's a bit of a bummer

My mom plays guitar. Has ever since she was little. My grandfather was quite the musician and taught her how to play. He went dancing all the time with my grandmother, sang in bands, loved live music and was super supportive of music in general. Or so I'm told. I didn't see my extended family often. One time he found a crazy cheap trumpet at an auction and gave it to me because I played the trombone and he thought I'd like it (I did, even if the thing was in too bad of shape to really play) My mom was the same way. In theory.

I asked my mom all the time to teach me guitar, and each time she blew it off or told me later until I physically sat her down one day, put a guitar in her hand and grabbed one of her spares. And she just. refused to teach me.

She taught me one chord, one she said didn't know the name of because she taught herself. I could read her notes. That wasn't true. And then she left me in the room for what must have been an hour, alone, after explaining all of the guitar to me for maybe a minute. I knew she didn't show me anything, not really. I was in music classes at the time; I played trombone and sang in choir. This was the one thing I kept asking my mom because she loved music and I wanted to be able to play it with her, and she didn't even spare me a minute

I don't know. She plays professionally now. Quit her job and now she plays at local venues, typically for older folks. I don't know if she's hyping up how big of venues- I moved far away from home as soon as I could. But I know she's making money.

Sometimes she asks if I'll come sing with her

[spikeisawesome456]

I don’t tend to post personal things here, but I honestly don’t know where else to post this, since I don’t want to bother my friends with this all, nor do I want to bother my family, so please bare with me as I get everything off my chest. Feel free to ignore this if you want, it’s just a personal ramble about everything happening in my life, but if anyone has any advice or words of comfort, they would be appreciated.

Just a warning, this is long and rambling, so... be warned. I tried to add context, but it's a lot, oof.

So, as I stated here a few days ago, I just turned 25. And since then, everything seems to have taken a downhill tail spin to hell. Literally the night of my birthday, my dad’s appendix burst and we had to wait almost sixteen hours before it was finally dealt with. We didn’t even know what was wrong for about seven of those hours, since the hospital was hellishly crowded. I was absolutely terrified that I was going to lose my dad, who I am very close with and who does a lot for me with my various problems with anxiety and whatnot. Without him, I’d be literally lost.

Anyway, he made it through the surgery fine, but now he’s having problems with his throat and he has a cold, which is terrifying after he just went through surgery and we don’t know if it’s a major problem or something common. His doctors don’t seem super concerned now, but they’ve said if it gets worse that it could be a problem, and now I’m terrified that it will get worse.

On top of all of that, my daily life is still going on. I’m currently in grad school to get my master’s in educational counseling to hopefully become a school counselor, and I have an internship at a middle school that I have to get up early for, something I’ve not done since I middle school myself (since I had such bad anxiety in 8th grade that I developed migraines and was unable to wake up early without pain). I’ve gotten better over the years and have been waking up these past few weeks without any complications, but it’s exhausting me, especially since I’m still working part time after the internship as an after school teacher. I’m waking up at 6:35 am and am going straight through to 6:00 pm with only a half hour car ride as a break (which luckily I am a passenger for, since I don’t have a driver’s license and my dad drives me. Another thing he does for me that I’d be lost without him for).

And then, to put more complications on top of this all, my coworker is upset with me for something I can’t really change, since I’m just trying to do my job. She’s upset with me since I am fairly confident with the kids and with my role at the job, so I tend to answer the kids when they ask questions and am confident with how the program is run, since I’ve worked for the company for almost five years and have worked at this site specifically for almost two. She’s upset with me since she thinks the kids don’t respect her since I counter what she says, even though I don’t try to? I literally am just answering the kids’ questions and am doing what I’ve been told to do by our supervisor, but I guess she told the kids something that isn’t how our supervisor does things, and is upset about it? I don’t know, I’m not explaining it all right since I’m so upset by everything. I think she wants the kids to respect her more and I go against the things she says, but a lot of the things she says are wrong and even the kids sometimes know she’s wrong! She doesn’t even know the name of our set of rules, even though they’re the same at all the sites, we say them literally EVERY SINGLE DAY, and she’s been working for the company a little longer than I have! She worked with my brother back when he worked for my company, even! And she’s much older than me, at least in her mid 30’s! I just…

I don’t know. I’m so stressed about everything and I’m trying to keep it together, but I’m so stressed out and scared. I’m 25 now but I still feel like I’m a child. My internship is at a middle school and half the time I still feel like I’m one of them, struggling just to survive day to day. I literally had a kid come in today with a similar problem that I’m dealing with with my coworker, and I’m just like… what can I even do? I told my supervisor about everything, but now I’m terrified that she’s going to be upset with me over bothering her over text at 9:00 at night when she’s pregnant and sick, even though when she replied she didn’t say anything to indicate that she’s upset with me.

I don’t know what to do, but I can’t take time off to cope because there is so much I have to do. I need to get 300 hours minimum at my internship, and then I need to find another internship and get another 300 hours, and I have to finish my degree by June 2024, otherwise my degree is useless since my university “terminated” my program (DON’T even ask, that’s another problem that’s too complicated to explain), and while that seems like a long time, that’s only two more school semesters after this one. And I got lucky with this internship since one of my adjunct professors needed an intern and his school was close enough to where I live, so I’ve never had to do the whole “find your own internship” thing, which apparently my college makes us do, since my college sucks. I’m also needed at work, since my other coworker has been sick this week, and my supervisor is going on maternity leave in a couple months, and the kids need me. They miss me when I’m gone and ask where I’ve been and I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams and I don’t know what to do and it’s freaking me out. I’m trying so hard to keep it together for my family, and my coworkers/supervisors, and the kids, but I still feel like I’m fifteen and lying in bed with a migraine, so terrified that I’m going to fail that I developed an excuse to make my failure not my fault. I try so hard to be confident in my work, but then my coworker comes and undermines what I’m doing, saying different rules and getting upset when I say the correct ones.

My coworker sent me this text today (pictured below) and it triggered everything in me to go off all at once, and I don’t know what to do. I know that tomorrow I’ll get up and keep going like I always do, but for tonight I’m terrified I’m going to lose my dad, and that I’m going to fail my internship, and I’m going to get in trouble at work. I’m scared I’m not doing enough and that I’ll never be enough. That what I’m doing is not enough. That I should be doing more. When my dad’s appendix burst, I couldn’t drive him to the hospital since I’m too afraid to get my driver’s license. What if that led to his death? What if my fears lead to someone’s death?

(The red spot is where my supervisor's name was, by the by. And reflection time is like a time out. I also didn't interrupt her, and I separated them because they are supposed to be separated during that time, not sitting right next to each other on a bench. Which she would know, if she FREAKING PAID ATTENTION.)

Oh! And I completely forgot about this with everything going on today, but I hurt my shoulder on Monday getting my mom's wheelchair out of the car (she has quadriplegic cerebral palsy, so she's always been in a chair. My dad usually gets it in and out of the car, but with his surgery he's unable to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds for a couple weeks, so my brother and I have to pick up the slack. I even took the day off on Monday to help out, which is another stressor for me). My shoulder has been aching for the past two days, though luckily it isn't hurting now, which is why I forgot it with everything going on, but it's still yet another thing on top of the mountain. And this isn't even all of it. But if I keep talking, I'll be here forever, and I don't want that. I will say though that sometimes I wonder if I still have anxiety, since usually I have some pretty good coping skills for my anxiety that I independently developed over the years, and it's moments like this that remind me that, yep. Still do. .-.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening to my rambling. I’ve not written something like this in years (which isn’t helping me feel any older, honestly), but it does help to get it out. Please, please be kind if you respond. I would be okay with advice, but just… be gentle if you can. So much has happened in five days and I’m struggling to handle it all. I am handling it all, but it’s a heavy load. So just… be gentle, please.

Thank you.

[justashamwithwastedpotential]

If designing maps for this mod have taught me one thing, it's that maybe I should spend more time actually decorating my farm bc I don't know what I'm doing

[ahandfullofgayrats]

God I feel so shit about some of the things I think about like I don't understand why my brain is so mean

[looselipssinkships-x]

i have somehow gotten comfortable with children? like even the little ones who can't talk yet? i want to hold one???

[rainnbepourin]

i don't like this job. i don't like this company. i don't like these people.

I've been treated badly in the past. it's got to the point where i have power over them, after almost 4 years. but I'm not interested in getting better at this anymore. there isn't any kind of future here... i really don't know if i might regret leaving or if it's the only way forward.

[technically-human]

Bisexual crisis Crystal edition

[notherpuppet]

Someone asked if I was adding more to "Buckshot"

...and then I accidentally posted it before I was done answering LOL. Anyway, here was the answer:

I have some ideas that I just haven't fleshed out yet. But I really like that AU and I want to return to it.

As for the Buckshot specific "chapter"...I do have some 'deleted scenes' that I just didn't feel like drawing (laziness) but hmm maybe i'll get the motivation to sketch them out eventually.

Some deleted scenes:

Scene 1.5 [Lucifer looks at Alastor's wounds as he's changing his bandages and clothes. Alastor's covered in severe scars exhibiting many different kinds of injuries.] Lucifer: "So many scars...I wonder what he's been through..." [Lucifer glances at Alastor's face, which somehow still has a faint, but visible smile.] Lucifer (incredulous and annoyed): "Yet he always keeps that smile on his face..." CUT TO FLASHBACK MONTAGE: Lucifer, Alastor, and Charlie playing in the park, eating dinner altogether, and singing backup for Charlie while Alastor plays the piano. [Lucifer smiles softly and turns up the corners of Alastor's sleeping smile.] Charlie: "I thought Al needed to sleep!" >:-0 [Lucifer draws his hands back suddenly, embarrassed.] Lucifer: "Where did you--" [Charlie climbs onto Alastor's rest bed. She haphazardly reaches for Alastor's face.] Charlie: "My turn or it's not fair!" >:-D Lucifer: "Charlie, no!" --- Scene 4.5 (happens at the dinner party, in Lucifer's room, after Alastor bleeds through his shirt) [Lucifer quickly changed into a red tuxedo. Alastor is lagging, due to his pain and need to clean his wound with a soft cloth.] Lucifer: "Let me help you--" Alastor: "I can handle this." Lucifer: "Would you stop being so stubborn? You're drugged up, drunk, and moving slow as hell. You want to arouse more suspicion or do you wanna get this over with?" [Alastor rolls his eyes and rudely tosses the cloth at Lucifer's face. Lucifer's quick reflexes catch the cloth effortlessly.] Lucifer: "That's what I thought." [Lucifer begins to clean Al's wound. Alastor has a pained expression. He winces and grabs Lucifer's wrist forcefully.] Alastor: "You're being a brute." [Alastor guides Lucifer's hand gently and drops his hand once Lucifer adapts. Lucifer helps bandage Alastor back up and get dressed. They're now both in new tuxedos, sans bow ties. Before Lucifer can grab his bowtie, Alastor snatches it.] Alastor: "Allow me." Lucifer: "I can tie my own bow tie." Alastor: "Did you not say we were in a hurry? I think we both know it will go faster if I just tie it." [Lucifer rolls his eyes but resigns. Alastor ties the bowtie swiftly and perfectly.] Lucifer: "Ugh, how do you do this so easily? Aren't you high?" Alastor: "As a kite." [There is a beat and they both share a laugh. Suddenly they hear a distant voice yelling:] Adam (distant): "So much for a quickie!" Alastor: "We should go."

[teaboot]

Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.

This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.

You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.

For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.

White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.

Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.

Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.

The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.

There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.

The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"

You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.

Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.

Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.

Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.

If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.

If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.

When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".

[madbalalaika]

[starlightomatic]

something about how the disability rights movement got watered down, in people's eyes, from "we demand that buildings are built to physically accommodate us, eg with ramps" to "there's nothing we can do about the world around us, but it would be nice if people were more accepting of seeing people stim"

[peachydinosaur]

bit the bullet and ordered license plate holders, seat covers, and bumper stickers for my car. i don't in all honesty expect the stickers to last through the winter (i ordered from redbubble and all the discussions i could find people were saying the stickers held up well on their cars but like. it's gonna be 100+ for probably at least a week this summer and we get feet of snow every year so. hot hot, freezing and scraping off my car, etc. i won't be upset just, not gonna get my hopes up about longevity) but I'm really excited to personalize my car finally. I've never had decorations in it past a cute air freshener on the rear view and a small stuffie on the dash. i used to have a bumper magnet but it got so old and fucked up. it's going to be cute, it's going to feel personal, the leather on the seats isn't going to burn me and leave marks on my legs from the cracks when i wear shorts this summer :) haven't figured out how to be normal about this, I've never really done anything for my car and it's very exciting yet daunting to me

[hansoeii]

fem presenting loki!

[silusvesuius]

baby👶 drawings. these are very dear to me rn.. 2nd pic is my Nelavis with @barvin0k's Varonur 🩵 last one is a baby bosmer and snow elf, hairiest of them all. although the bosmer was meant to be my girl Barletta too lols

[meep-meep-richie]

´´ You already know that i´m interested. ´´