#Turningthirty

[journaldefafa]

Letter to 30

I have always wanted to do this -- where I talk to my future self. But somehow I always felt lazy to do so. Especially in video form. So here I am, a 25 year-old Fafa (one month before turning 26, shhh ;p), writing to 30-year old Fafa a sincere letter.

Hey Fadwa, not sure where to begin or what to say. So I'll start by stating where I am now, and where I would like to be by then. Today, I am in a good place in my life mentally. All those self-loathing, depressing thoughts are close to non-existant. I don't overthink like before, but I still have those occasional anxiety attacks. Unfortunately, if there's one issue that I am still not able to surpass is my body image and body dysmorphia. Especially the past few months, where I found myelf gaining weight and surrounded by people who are really triggering in terms of body image and body expectations. But whenever I feel like I'm about to spiral down into a rabbit hole, I'm able to just take a deep breath and trust the process. I introduced EMS to my life which makes me feel stronger and healthier. And I try, as much as I can, to control my food. Hopefully, I do see an improvement in my body soon. I have to add that I am still struggling with the idea of "what if my tattoo doesn't go away" and I hope that whatever results we get in the next 5 years, we are satisfied with it. So tell me, am I content with my body now?

Today marks my 4th month in this new Epson job. It still feels like a gift but I keep looking to the other side of the fence. I feel like maybe this isn't for me? It feels very boring. It is definetly a good way to make money, and there's room to grow, but am I passionate about it? Am I really invested in whatever I'm selling? No, I'm not. I still don't know what's my calling or what I want for myself. And I'm in no rush. I acknowledge that I have something good in my hand, and I am willing to follow through with it until it unfolds. But it would be nice to know that I got an opportunity later on to try working in a different country for a little while. Or eventually do Master's abroad -- eventhough I don't have the slightest clue what program will I go to. So tell me, am I doing something that speaks of who I really am?

Love... ahhh to love! Please tell me you've found the one. Please tell me that you're in love and happy. And that he's everything you wished for and more. As you know, there's no action whatsoever in the love department in my life. But I am eagerly waiting. I am in a place where I am ready for the big step and even slowly (very slowly) changing my perceptions on children. When I imagine myself head over heels in love with someone, I can't help but imagine the beauty of having children to share with each other. Let's see, I am hopeful. Eventhough I do get evil thoughts sometimes whispering to me that I will never find someone and that I'm not worthy of love. But so far, I've still won over these whispers. So tell me, is he right there next to you?

And finally spirtuality, I have been consistent with my relation to Allah. I haven't missed a prayer since mid of March. I feel purer, cleaner, and in peace. I hope you're maintaining the very hard work I am doing right now and doing even more. Getting closer, removing bad habits, introducing better practices in your life.

I'm too afraid to ask about our family... I hope they're all doing well and happy and alive. Just know starting recently, I am trying to improve my relationship with Papa. Since he came back from Gaza, I have reached a realization of how much he means to me, and that I want to salvage whatever we have left and even build on it. I just really hope everyone's happy. I hope Mama's health is great. And please tell me we got her the house of her dreams. You know how much I love Mama, I love her ظالمة او مظلومة, she is my purpose. So I hope you have good news for me here Fadwa.

And that's it Fadwita! Tell me, I want to hear from you. But for now, I am taking it one step at a time. And trying to be patient, cause I have a feeling that good things are about to happen and they're just around the corner!

[30dirtyandsurviving]

Let’s try again..

31st December 2023.

Final day of the year that I turned a new decade older.

Turning 30 never really scared me. I lived in London for 3.5 years with two flat mates, one being my now best friend. She is 3 years older than me and in that time of her right before turning 30 first I watched her thrive and survive. I watched her take a new breath of life. I watched her quit her job, plan her finances and plan out her new business venture. Plan about 4-5 holidays that she would go in this one year alone! Plan the itineraries. Plan the flights, plan the hotels. And ultimately I watched her cancel all of them. Every single one. No one could have ever expected the world to enter a pandemic. Do flight refunds even cover that as one of the reasons for a full refund?.. I watched and listened to all the tears, to all the phonecalls, to all the hold music, to all the frustration. This woman quit her job to travel the world and live her life and the world said hell no.

And then she turned 30.

It was almost like it was perfect timing? She was smiling and laughing it off. She got stuck into her new business with a lot of resistance, but she still kept going. I remember thinking.. Why are you so happy? Everything was ruined and you’re now.. 30. She said being 30, a couple months into being 30, that it’s a new sense of life you get.

I’ll be honest. A week or two before turning 30, I was scared. This sense of impending doom loomed over me. I was in Macau with my family and JJ was in England. This plan to move to Australia wasn’t happening, I wasn’t engaged, I have no children, I wasn’t working. What was I good for?.. (bit dramatic but hey, the feels.)

Then 30 happened. And I remembered my flatmate.

To watch her survive all of that in 2020, and to watch her thrive in the last few years was so inspiring. It made me realise that when we turn 30, we don’t spontaneously combust into a fire of depression and feeling of “failure.” Instead, I look at turning 30, as cliche as it sounds, like closing a chapter on all the shit that went wrong in my 20s.

Being 30s gives me a new decade to mess around with. One where I am hopefully wiser and have learnt from my mistakes in my 20s.

20s is for messing around, messing up, losing friends, making friends, loving people, losing love, understanding boundaries, understanding myself, understanding others. If you don’t mess up in your 20s, how will you learn in your 30s?

And I guess the same could go for 40s… right?

Her first.

[juliadorsett13]

Turning 30! 😬

‪I know @taylorswift has a super amazing busy life but I’m turning thirty on Friday and you’re turning thirty a week later..what do you say to turning thirty together? I’m not an interesting person but it would mean so much to me and I am so nervous about thirty! Think about it!‬

[suiriswhite]

Hello October.🍁🍃 Okay, more like ☀️🌡.😑 Can't believe it's my birthday this month already again. I just can't believe I'm turning 30. 30! T H I R T Y!🙈 And I would've never thought I'd celebrate my birthday somewhere in the outback of Australia. Or wait.. I never celebrate my birthday anyway so it doesn't really matter where I am.🤣 How old are you guys? Do you like your birthday? I don't.. I just don't like responding to all the messages all day. Sounds so mean, haha.. but come on, it can just get too much.🙈 Plus I don't like getting older even though age is just a number and people think I'm still like early 20 something anyway.😅 I think I should maybe just walk around with an "some people don't even make it this far" attitude of gratitude on my birthdays.😁❤ . . . #birthdays#birthdaytslk#turningthirty#almostthirty#octoberchild#outback#australia#downunder#workandtravel#travel#travelling#solotravel#girlswhotravel#travelgram#lovetotravel#vegantravel#vegantraveling#surfing#surflife#surftraveller#surflifestyle#oceanlife#quitmyjobtotravel#quitmyjobtosurf#leaveyourcomfortzone#neverstopexploring#beautifuldestinations#waveafterwave#makingmemories (hier: Bollon, Queensland) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoYHHreA1EY/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1inrhtu5cbf9w

[thebookshelfmonster]

"You were the first. The first face this face saw. And you were seared onto my hearts (...) You always will be. I'm running to you (...) before you fade from me." I have not posted here in the longest time. I have not yet given up on this, but things get in the way sometimes, you know. And sometimes those things are your own brain. It's hard to prioritize your even things that bring you joy when you have limited energy and you struggle to manage your time to focus on the bare essentials. Today is different. It has to be. It is not every day that one turns thirty. Can I just say that whatever else might be the case, I am so happy to turn thirty. What a cool number! I enjoy growing older because it confirms to me that I continue to be alive, and some days that feels like a magic of it's own. Do you know what else is magical, though? When you have been thinking about a book of poems you should read, that you've heard and read other people's thoughts about, but damn you really want to check it out for yourself. But you haven't told anyone about it. But your friend, your sister from your chosen family, who lives on the other side of the continent, drops you a message one night and asks you to check your mailbox. And it's the book you have been thinking about for a week! "To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow - this is a human offering that can border on miraculous." I have love in this terrible, wonderful, dying, struggling, surviving world. And I hope you do too. #bookstagram #bookstagrammer #newbook #bookgifts #birthdaypresent #happybirthdaytome #turningthirty #30thbirthday #friendshipgoals #friendslikefamily #bestfriends #chosenfamily #bookmagic #booklover #bookworm #bookofpoetry #poetry #rupikaur #milkandhoney #thesunandherflowers #doctorwhoquotes https://www.instagram.com/p/CclY5QAr7u5/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[vvienfan]

Thirty.

The last stretch of the road to thirty was daunting; and I wasn’t looking forward. I felt I had a lot more to unlock and achieve before hitting the thirties and I wasn’t ready.

But I slowly realised that I-wasn’t-ready was only a feeling. You can never be ever ready.

Thinking back, the twenties held so much: Eventful, memorable, pain, laughter, tears, breakdowns, getting-ups, mountains, hills, rivers, seas, skies;

Family, friends new-and-old, near-and-far, clients, colleagues, work, routine-forming, deadlines, grieving, sickness, injuries, weddings, baking, cooking, driving, road trips, engagement;

Sun, rain, stars, moon and not forgetting COVID.

They all made up a beautiful memory of my 29 years of living altogether and I’m nothing but grateful.

Thankful to be still breathing and be around those who matter most.

Now I can’t wait to jump into the big three-O and hopefully to breathe through many moreties to come!

And now I pray for a better and safer World; peace and you.

[monkeywandsgutter]

Birthday meal #4... I think... Pretty sure I'm gonna eat my way through my birthday celebrations... #TurningThirty #HappyBirthday #BirthdayCelebrations #BirthdayLunch https://www.instagram.com/p/CTPanrUBS9z/?utm_medium=tumblr

[laurasgroi]

Thanks for reading and sharing! Now please pass it on, review, and keep in touch! . . . . . #linkinbio #passiton #resilience #selfgrowth #inourthirtiesbook #inourthirties #laurasgroi #bookevent #IOTtheBook #womenwhowrite #writersofinstagram #authorsofinstagram #bookstagram #kindlebook #amwriting #books #turningthirty #thirties #thirtysomething #selfpublishing #bookreview #amazonbooks #goodreads  #miamireads #Dominicanwriter https://www.instagram.com/p/CE9e7lDg3TJ/?igshid=3y4jygz9jvh1

[nekomiinz]

prime time~ #hello30 #turningthirty :) https://www.instagram.com/p/B16pq-_hsEP/?igshid=c0vqljfw63u9

[teerapote]

HBD To me. #turningthirty https://www.instagram.com/p/B13AUL4H5Ds/?igshid=nsu2g057yo3s

[allisonpensyl]

02/17/2019 Brooklyn does Hershey for @derekandsusan #nextgeneration #turningthirty #survivedteenyears #supportlivemusic (at Hershey, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuEYBgUFkynKNxXvfMWzo21ysLrt6fuAnvnwLM0/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1fs0x53tcrnk2

[tallulahisturningthirty-blog]

Completely Unskilled

This morning I found myself contemplating whether it was frowned-upon to use crowdfunding to have a baby (purchase a house, set-up a ‘life ready for a baby’, pay for a sperm donor/fertility treatment, that sort of thing - not actually the purchasing of a baby). Once I had established that this probably wasn’t the best of ideas, morally or ethically, I have ever had (there is steep competition), obviously I decided that I need to come up with a life-changing idea which I could crowdfund and, consequently, make my fortune from - thus enabling the house, baby, etc.

Unfortunately such an idea has yet to emerge and I now feel completely un-skilled. I mean, literally, I have not a single skill which I can apply and grow into an idea. Sure, I run my own business and we’re making some money, so there must be some skills hidden deep inside me, but I’m at a loss to locate said skills.

January is all about new ideas, changes, diets, new leases on life, skull-cracking depression when you realise life is completely not how you planned it. Before you even have time to breathe, you’re in the last six months of your thirties, living back at home with your parents, realising you never had the body you wanted in your twenties (although having lost 5 pounds on your new sensible ‘grown-up’ diet, which is both realistic and doesn’t involve cutting out any major food groups/ribs) and your biological clock is well and truly ticking. Loudly. I’m reading Alexandra Shulman’s diary of Vogue’s centenary year and, while 40% of the time I’m not sure exactly who or what she’s talking about, the idea of an outlet for my mind seemed like a good idea. I’m pretty sure nobody will even read this, but the anonymity of sharing my thoughts and feelings in this fashion seemed like it could help - it’s a step-away from talking to yourself at least.

[loweredexpectations365]

Alternative Facts & My Approach to the Constant Struggles of Life

In my over nearly 30 years of experience on earth (if you don’t get the “over nearly” joke, watch the New Girl season 5 episode 2, “What About Fred?” - it’s very funny), I’ve developed a scientific (read: not based on science at all) approach to life that, over time, has helped me better frame the world around me and has even (occasionally) reduced my misery just the slightest bit. This approach is what I call "Lowered Expectations": the practice of reducing (and even eliminating, as much as possible) your expectations of any given situation in life. 

Having lowered expectations allows you to spend less time worrying about the future, and helps you focus on the present by letting go of your expectations of yourself and everything around you. This means less overall disappointment, self deprecation, guilt and remorse when things in life don’t meet your expectations. Now, I’m no expert, so obviously this is mostly stuff I made up in my head, but it’s 2018 and most things on the internet are made up nowadays, and Trump is president, so nothing really matters.

I genuinely (am trying to) have lowered expectations for what the impact of writing my thoughts down is on myself or anyone that stumbles upon this nonsense. That’s the beauty of lowered expectations: my productivity increases because I spend less time worrying about the outcome of a situation and whether it will meet my unreasonably high and unrealistic expectations, and more time executing with at least a shred of confidence. I imagine it’s an extreme version of this type of approach to life that has made Donald Trump so “successful” - he clearly has zero expectations of himself to be a decent president or human being, yet he keeps operating with exponential levels of confidence at everything he does. I’m not saying having lowered expectations will help you become the next president of the united states of america (although apparently we’ll pretty much let anyone do it), but theoretically, having lowered expectations could help you decrease the time you spend worrying about things that don’t matter and holding yourself back.

For some context on my current state in life (maybe this will help you decide whether you think this blog is any source of value or not): I’m currently traveling to India to visit my family for the next 3 weeks. I’ve wrapped up my work and my apartment, left my cat with my roommate (separation anxiety has already ensued - also it should surprise no one that the author of a blog called "lowered expectations" has a cat), and hopped on a 16 hour flight to Delhi with my mom. This flight will be followed by a 2 hour layover, and then a final 3 hour flight to Bangalore - where my uncle will pick us up at the airport and drive us 45 minutes through nightmarish India traffic to his very nice apartment. I figure being on a plane with the sound of babies screaming and children kicking my seat and the horrible headache inducing lighting is as good a time as any to practice being in the moment and invest my time in something I care about while blasting music as loudly as I can in my AirPods (to drown out the screaming). The problem with small children on planes is that they are absolutely adorable to look at, but they NEVER SHUT UP. Without fail, I am always seated near an infant that can’t stop wailing for my entire 5 million hour flight. At this point, I don’t expect my international flights to be peaceful - so I have to create my own peace by writing (that was cheesy, sue me).

The concept of lowered expectations was inspired by my extremely zen goal of having fewer expectations of my life, myself, and the people around me. This way, I wouldn’t be disappointed when life didn’t meet my expectations, because I didn’t have any to begin with. Having lowered expectations became a goal of mine after reading a bunch of self help books when I was terribly depressed last year. 2017 was an absolutely terrible year for me. Against all odds, Trump had just been elected, then my best friend suddenly passed away, I went through a rough break up with my boyfriend of 3 years, and then I got freaking psoriasis on my legs (if you look at my shins, it now looks like I was in a motorcycle accident, and it’s incurable - super attractive). It sucked. But 2017 wasn’t the only shitty year in my life. It seemed like I spent most of my life being sad because life didn’t meet my expectations. As a child, my dad left, so my expectation of having a normal and happy family was shot. When I got older, I dated a bunch of asshole guys who lied and cheated and were generally awful, so my expectation of what love looked like was shot. When I got to college, I struggled with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and ulcers, making my college experience far from what I expected.

Time after time, I was disappointed by my life, and it brought me to a very low point that I’d never reached in the past. I needed a change - so a year ago, I suddenly decided to quit my job, search for a new one in San Francisco, and move away from my hometown in the PNW, and everything I knew my entire life. It felt like everything in my life was upside down, and I had no idea how to fulfill any of my expectations of myself, even though I was making these big life decisions. I felt lost (full disclosure, I still do) and empty and terrified of everything. I didn’t know how to move forward with my life, I felt stuck and everything around me felt over-stimulating and overwhelming.

So I started to try to have fewer expectations of myself. It’s a practice, and it isn’t something you can always do as default behavior, or something that happens overnight. You have to consciously let go of your positive expectations in any given situation, because we as humans are programmed to develop expectations of ourselves in situations in order to push ourselves to accomplish what we want to in life (or something - I’m not sure if that made any sense or if it’s remotely accurate, but I think it roughly translates what I’m thinking into words). But I believe that we shouldn’t need to have expectations of a situation in order to motivate ourselves. We can evolve past that, continue to be positive and hopeful in our lives by trying to see the bigger picture and not wasting time on having specific expectations of individual situations in life.

Letting go of our expectations means we spend less time being unproductive and tied to hopes and dreams that likely won’t happen, we invest less emotional energy in situations up front, and in feeling bad later on. The Stoics have a similar concept: 

“‘the art of acquiescence’ - the giving up and assenting of how things are so that they can be what they are to become.” - The Daily Stoic

Letting go means we spend more time doing things we want to be doing, because we’ve stopped worrying about what we expect out of the situation and how badly we’ll feel if things don’t go the way we hoped.

Having lowered expectations of a situation requires 3 main things: 

1. you must objectively assess that situation  2. be present in the moment as it happens  3. clearly reflect on it afterward.

This mindset does not allow you to feel guilt or sadness because things didn’t go the way you wanted them to - because the process of reflection is not tied to any set idea of how that situation would go. Instead, reflection is just that, thinking about the situation and the facts of what actually happened, how you reacted, and, possibly, what you might do differently next time.

However, having lowered expectations is extremely difficult. On some level, I think that if we didn’t have at least some expectations of life, we wouldn’t have any motivation to live it - thus having no expectations is impossible. On the other hand, if you’re anything like me and you overthink, overreact, and beat yourself up for every situation because you have the confidence of a child that was raised in a basement, lowering your expectations of yourself and those around you can help you better navigate your life, and reduce some of the extra noise your brain makes - and allow you to “Just Do It” like the wise age-old Nike ads tell you to.

Here’s a boring personal example of how lowering expectations has a impacted my own life that doesn’t matter to anyone but me: I’ve been terrified of blogging for a very long time. Despite having been passionate about writing my entire life, wanting to write and publish a book as a child (and reading constantly), studying English in college, and leaping head first into any project at work that requires me to write in any capacity, I’ve been afraid to even try to express my real thoughts. 

Here and there I’ve written nonsense in spurts, letting the words tumble out like word vomit and blast into the black hole of the internet. I never truly tried to write anything I cared about or tried to be disciplined in my practice of writing because I was too scared. Whatever I’ve been able to write in the past has been steeped in misery, insecurity and/or insanity. I was worried about what people would think of me and what I had to say, what I would think of my writing and myself, and whether anyone would want to read what I wrote. It wasn’t until I stopped expecting my writing to mean or be anything specific that I realized I actually had something to write about - something that mattered to me - and that I could finally articulate my thoughts a way that I wanted to dedicate my time to.

Notes

The New Girl, Season 5 Episode 2, “What About Fred?”. Released: January 12, 2016. 

The Daily Stoic, “Letting Go is the Next Thing”. URL: https://dailystoic.com/letting-go-is-next/. Accessed: December 11, 2018.

[bucketlyss-blog]

Since turning 30, I’ve been very worried about my “worry lines.” Ha, ain’t that the truth. So I’ve been trying to be more consistent with my skincare routine. On the blog I’m sharing my favs products & their uses. What’re some of your “worries” about getting old?! . . . Link in bio❤️ . . . . . #beauty #skincare #skincareroutine #lancome #neutrogena #lancer #bobbibrown #turningthirty #dirtythirty #shopstyle #sscollective #blogger #thisiscle #bloglovin #ontheblog #todayontheblog #clevelandblogger #cleblogger #fashionblogger (at Lakewood, Ohio)

[citoyennedum0nde]

Thank you for making me feel so special on my birthday🎈 #birthday #birthdaygirl #beachparty #hermosabeach #turningthirty #friends #family #parentsintown #beachbum #beachbabe #pinata #balloons #california #sarasadventures #beachlife #caligirl (at Hermosa Beach, California)

[teesstore]

#dirtythirty #turningthirty #birthdaygirl #birthday #shirts