#TallulahIsTurningThirty

[tallulahisturningthirty-blog]

Completely Unskilled

This morning I found myself contemplating whether it was frowned-upon to use crowdfunding to have a baby (purchase a house, set-up a ‘life ready for a baby’, pay for a sperm donor/fertility treatment, that sort of thing - not actually the purchasing of a baby). Once I had established that this probably wasn’t the best of ideas, morally or ethically, I have ever had (there is steep competition), obviously I decided that I need to come up with a life-changing idea which I could crowdfund and, consequently, make my fortune from - thus enabling the house, baby, etc.

Unfortunately such an idea has yet to emerge and I now feel completely un-skilled. I mean, literally, I have not a single skill which I can apply and grow into an idea. Sure, I run my own business and we’re making some money, so there must be some skills hidden deep inside me, but I’m at a loss to locate said skills.

January is all about new ideas, changes, diets, new leases on life, skull-cracking depression when you realise life is completely not how you planned it. Before you even have time to breathe, you’re in the last six months of your thirties, living back at home with your parents, realising you never had the body you wanted in your twenties (although having lost 5 pounds on your new sensible ‘grown-up’ diet, which is both realistic and doesn’t involve cutting out any major food groups/ribs) and your biological clock is well and truly ticking. Loudly. I’m reading Alexandra Shulman’s diary of Vogue’s centenary year and, while 40% of the time I’m not sure exactly who or what she’s talking about, the idea of an outlet for my mind seemed like a good idea. I’m pretty sure nobody will even read this, but the anonymity of sharing my thoughts and feelings in this fashion seemed like it could help - it’s a step-away from talking to yourself at least.

[tallulahisturningthirty-blog]

Tinder trauma...

The Tinder barrier has once again dropped and I’ve hit that ‘Urgh! I don’t think I can be bothered with this’ point. Has anything bad happened? Nope. Has someone been rude? Nope. Have I been on a terrible date? Nope. It’s just at the point where I’m talking to a whole bunch of men and I’m not sure if I can really be bothered. Some of them I quite like (the two policemen seem nice - luckily they work for different forces), but there’s nobody I have that ‘pow!’ with. I’m also now stuck with the fact that they want to meet up and I’m terrified that when they actually meet me, they’ll think I’m chubby and boring and I will have wasted weeks of charm and energy! Plus there is one guy who seems so lovely, but he’s particularly hot and I just think it’ll be another situation where we meet and instantly he isn’t interested! I’ve just been for dinner with my BFF and she (obviously, this is why we’re friends - along with our dislike of cream and most people) told me I am being stupid and that I should go on a date or two. As long as I don’t pin all my hopes on it, which I’m not (but secretly would be). The traumas of dating, especially online dating. The majority of my friends have no idea, they met men years ago and instantly formed ‘just add water’ relationships. At least I can comfort myself with the fact that they settled (harsh, probably true in half the cases and it makes me feel better, but harsh)!

[tallulahisturningthirty-blog]

January, smanuary.

Who on Earth deemed it acceptable for people to give birth in January? Surely there must be some kind of rule against this. A conception clock with blocked out areas? As if the bank account hasn’t depreciated enough over Christmas, to add to the January misery, there are about a thousand birthdays. Is it too much to ask that people celebrate at another time? The Queen does it, make like Elizabeth.

The major problem is, I like to give good gifts (not that I think anybody likes to give bad gifts), but I’m particularly proud of my gift-giving skills. When I had a ‘proper job’ and made an ‘OK amount’ of money, this was not a problem. Sadly, it resulted in the bar being set fairly high on the present front and now I’m old and responsible, this leaves me the bloody difficult job of searching for a present that seems sophisticated/thoughtful/expensive/perfect for the lowest possible budget. I believe this is a valuable life skill I’m learning though. At least the January sales are on my side, although granted, there is a lot of wading through shit to be done. 4 down, 700 to go.

The diet is viciously kicking in too, I’m dreaming about literally stuffing cake into my mouth and this morning (while using my new 'Christmas shower gel*’) which smells of forest fruits, I wanted to eat myself. The diet isn’t even that hard.

*Another sign of impending middle-age - I get slightly emotional if I don’t receive a shower 'sugar scrub’ for Christmas. One is plenty though, and not from a close friend - this shows little thought for the present buying process I so strictly adhere to. I won’t even mention badly wrapped presents.