#Tumblr won't let me do links to nothing anymore. so I'm just linking tumblr

[scientistredacted]

((For the memes)) “Yes. I am telling you what to do. I’m telling you not to pull something like that again because— ‘cause fucking hell. I care about you. Okay?”

❝OH- JUST RELAX-❞ Gaster says at once, raising his hands defensively, ❝IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.❞

He's sure she won't be convinced. Alex has a remarkable way of telling when he's not being entirely honest with her, especially in regards to his own wellbeing, and he's not exactly feeling stellar at the moment.

Of course, she had reason to worry. He did just disappear from her house in the middle of the night. It was a void nightmare, and he couldn't make himself wake her up for company. So, he ended up going on a walk to try to clear his head, and he found himself walking up towards the mountain, to the Underground. He actually hadn't personally returned since Alphys had helped him out in the immediate wake of his escape from the void.

Maybe it was the thought of his impending confession that brought him to that spot in the CORE where he went in. That lead him to just sitting there- one hand tightly gripping the railing- for nearly an hour, watching the magically charged magma swirl. Truly it was miserable. Not just the memory, but the place itself. As proud as he was of this idea, of the CORE, he's always hated Hotland.

And that thought finally brought him back to his feet, to visit his old home in Snowden. He never really had a chance to say goodbye to the place. The last time he was there... he didn't know it would be the last time.

The house, of course, was empty. Papyrus and Sans took everything from their home to the surface. All of Snowden is deserted, the usually cheery place feeling sad for the emptiness.

He didn't linger there for long, as that sadness that came with his old home being like this reminded him of the closest thing to home that he has anymore. And he rushed back there, realizing how much his absence probably worried her (to say nothing of how little sleep he got, or that fact that he hasn't eaten since dinner yesterday).

And given the trek back, it was the late evening by the time he got there. He tried to point out that, as a grown adult, he can make his own decisions of what he does with his time, but she... shot that right down, of course. Because she cares about him.

❝I AM SORRY, THOUGH. I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO WORRY, ALEX.❞

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi! I started listening to Chappell Roan after seeing a post about her on your blog, and now I'm obsessed. Could you please give me some more music recommendations? Thanks!!!

god I love this. no further specifications, just carte blanche to go hogwild and recommend anything.

you didn't even ask for any structure but I'm nothing if not constantly looking for an excuse to be extra, so I've provided one tangentially thematically related recommendation for almost song on Midwest Princess (not all of them, tumblr won't let me do more than ten audio links booo)

Femininomenon 🏍️

listen, girlies: we're NEVER going to have a femininomenon if we can't even stop talking about these mediocre boys. move along! forget about them!

Red Wine Supernova 🍷

the theme is being so horny it changes how your brain is wired.

After Midnight 💃

mom doesn't like you wearing that dress and red lipstick and dad doesn't like you bleaching your hair, but what if you just had fun?

Casual 🧜����‍♀️

so, you've escaped an unbearable situationship.

Super Graphic Ultra Modern Girl 🛸

this is a song for the guy with the fugly jeans who didn't ask you a single question and won't dance

HOT TO GO! 🍟

I'd like to think serpentwithfeet is getting closer than those damn gloves in the same club where Chappell is trying to get to hot hands on her body. gay hands cinematic universe.

My Kink Is Karma 😈

is sitting back watching them ruin their own life not enough anymore? get proactive!

Kaleidoscope ✨

so. the relationship got Weird and now nothing will ever be the same :/

Pink Pony Club 🐎

the queer country king himself. incidentally I would KILL for Orville Peck to cover Pink Pony Club.

Guilty Pleasure 🚬

Chappell said we could go to hell but we'll probably be fine; Rina said this hell is better with you. songs for queer girlies who aren't scared of the devil, you know what I mean?

[evilzsat]

Addressing the "drama"

Before I start, I never wanted to make this post because I was scared of being harassed by people. But that already happened, so I got nothing to lose! I'm sorry for those people who are annoyed by this drama already but I need to address some things because it seems like DREAMING-OF- BARBI and his fiance kiskii are spreading misinformation and kiskii is trying to make it seem like Elliot is the victim. Name dropping? Yeah I don't care anymore, harassing a kid and other people in the outlast community is too far so I don't care if you call this "witchhunting" or whatever.

So here's the stuff they have done in a server which had MINORS.

I'm gonna split some stuff apart so you'll understand better

ELLIOT'S SERVER

Dreaming-of-Barbi aka Elliot made a server for Outlast ocs and he shared the link on his tumblr. Only mutuals could join and people who asked for the invite. Since it didn't say it was a 18+ server or not I joined, and I actually got in so it wasn't one. He followed me and saw that I'm a minor because I HAD IT IN MY BIO.

The server was still new so I offered to help making the roles because I have experience and I really liked how the server was so far. I became a mod immediately, even though I was confused because I was a minor and I thought I couldn't become a mod.

THE IMPORTANT PART: After a few days there was an argument happening in the server because we found out one of the members is a pr0shipper. Now I don't wanna get into this whole topic, there were minors in the server so you know what I'm trying to say! It's dangerous! I know it is. I was harassed by one of those people and it made me suicidal for a long time. I struggle with trusting people because of it.

Elliot was present during the argument but HE LEFT and before that he said "I'm not in the mood to deal with this right now" or something like that. I can't provide proof for this because the server was deleted. He left us alone, so we had to deal with the problem and we did. I banned the pr0shipper for obvious reasons. MINORS WERE THERE.

We had a groupchat for mods only. After I banned the pr0shipper Elliot was angry at us because he "couldn't see what happened" he was present. he did see what's happening but he left because he is not a responsible owner.

Now this message wouldn't even be a problem because it's understandable. The red lines show what's the problem, HE WAS PRESENT. He knew something was happening! But he didn't do anything about it because "he was shaken up". Why are you an owner then? And have a problem with your mods doing YOUR job.

My response to his message. I agree I should've not deleted the messages, that was dumb of me. But that's not the problem here.

Here's Elliot defending pr0shipping. He is dismissing the problem and he DOESN'T CARE about pr0shippers being around minors. This just straight up confirms he is one of them which I wouldn't care about if he didn't become friends with minors and let them be in his server. I'm not gonna explain the red lines because hopefully you can see what's wrong.

Again, the same problem. Dismissing the problem and saying that ONLY RACIST PEOPLE AND HOMOPHOBIC PEOPLE SHOULD BE BANNED IMMEDIATELY.

At this point I was freaking out because I didn't feel safe anymore. I didn't know who am I talking to.

"You shouldn't be a mod if you are a minor" Like I said, I had it in my tumblr bio. My instagram bio. My mod intro in the server WHICH ELLIOT REACTED TO.

I meant to say "Learn to read bios"

"Moonweaver" is kiskii

This again provides my point. They don't care about minors safety, they are exposing them to content they shouldn't see and think "blocking" and a "blacklist" is gonna solve the problem Spoiler: IT WON'T. THEY ARE IN THE SAME SPACE.

After this, Jollytarp asked Elliot if he knew what Pr0shipping means because at this point even though the "argument" ended we all felt unsure and unsafe. We thought maybe it was a misunderstanding.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF MINORS BEING GROOMED BY HIS OWN SERVER MEMBERS. I'm not gonna repeat myself, hopefully you see the problem.

"Witch hunt" there was no witch hunt. I banned someone who was making people feel unsafe, they don't want to be in the same space as them for obvious reasons.

"People I know being hurt because of pettiness" Again, not gonna repeat myself. Those type of people hurt me and many people, this is not pettiness. AND LETTING THEM INTERACT WITH MINORS IS DANGEROUS.

ELLIOT HARASSING ME

Elliot blocked both of my accounts. I could not see his posts. One of the people I know sent a post which said that Franco did nothing wrong and that he's a victim.

I always block and scroll, but one thing I can't stand is people being misogynistic EVEN TOWARDS FICTIONAL WOMEN. Women face enough shit in real life.

This was not witch hunting, I was stating my opinion on this topic since I already felt overwhelmed by some Franco fans who were "babying" him and I did it BECAUSE I can, it's the internet. FREE SPEECH.

I made my post, then you all know what happened. Elliot started pretending that I'm harassing people when it was all him.

Here is him trying to make it seem like I'm the anon.

"I'm not worried because I know I haven't done anything wrong" Yeah okay. "I don't care" He did care because he spent a whole day harassing me with his fiance.

Also, here's his fiance saying that Elliot is the one getting "harassed." THERE IS NO WITCH HUNTING. At this point I'm just repeating myself.

I'm not gonna start talking about this person's post because, I'm gonna be blunt, but it's bullshit. Using "minor" as an insult because you can't say anything else is honestly embarassing.

THESE PEOPLE ARE ADULTS PUTTING MINORS IN DANGER AND ALSO HARASSING ME AND THE OUTLAST COMMUNITY. PLEASE BLOCK THEM AND SPREAD THIS POST.

@ramontism (Ramoro) @crispy-dib (Jollytarp) the mods on the screenshots.

[angelmalocaris]

Emeryfession

Hello NEN Tumblr! Tumblr NEN fans! NENblr! Whatever you are!

There are like 5 of you at most, even when rounded up, but I have a confession to post.

This shrine, you see this “shrine” right here? From the NEN website? (CONT. under cut)

That is MY shrine. I made that. Those objects are in my possession.

This image is sort of old. I haven’t cleaned my bedroom in awhile so I will hold off on taking new ones for the time being, but here are my Emery related trinkets I have and projects I have worked on. This is not a complete list by any means, mostly just my biggest or most well known ones.

Lets get the big stuffy fluff-filled elephant out of the room, the pillow. Yes that is an Emery body pillow! (Or dakimakura I suppose.)

YES it is hand made! YES I do sleep with it every night! and YES my mom did help me make it! While it has become SIGNIFICANTLY more faded over time, it is well loved. That is my wifey! Of course I take care of her!

It's almost completely homemade, my mom prints t-shirt so we just printed on some fabric. There is a heart-shaped button and a few feathers in the stuffing, think like a BaB plushie.

Enough of that, time for a walk. Here’s the Emery engraved collar!

Real metal! After saving a bit of money and walking and hour or so, I purchased this at a store to be made by an engraving machine. Why? Because I can! And have you seen Emery? That’s definitely a critter.

I'm hungry... so hungry I could eat... an Emery!!!

Here are three separate Emery cakes I made! Left to right in order. They're all box mix but I baked them and frosted them on my own.

My grandma made this one. Goo Goo Gah Gah...

By now, all the cakes are long gone.

First Cake Death

Second Cake Death (My favorite!)*

Third Cake Death

*(also a remake of the first.)

Quick time event!!! Here's some Emeries I made in video games.

Note, while I did not make the Emery Mii (Hal did) I am including it here because I think it's notable that I got to marry Emery in the game.

I have lost my membership in this time so the full outfit is not possible for me anymore, but feel free to recreate it. Its simple and the items shouldn't be too hard to acquire.

It's just 1, the Square Glasses (members only) from Jam Mart Clothing in green for 350 gems 2, the tie from Jam Mart Clothing in red for 100 gems, and the Rare Crimson Topcoat (members only). While the topcoat is marked "Rare" its quite common for a rare item and IIRC I may(?) even have more than one.

I want to update the Petz 4 Emery. I could probably make it better now and I want him to be a dog when I decide to remake it.

I have lost my old save for tomodachi life but someday I will get married to him again... just you wait!!!

You know what games are made of? Code. So are webbed sites... Usually not the same code, but you get the idea.

This is my Emery web shrine! I will not link to it because its very old and not very good by my current standards. You can see its age by Emery being called "Telly" and some of the older artwork ( being by Hal of course.) Someday it will be made better and strong...

and yes. I did help with some (a lot) of the code on the NEN site. I'm blaming any of the messy stuff in there on Hal though because she's the one doing most updates. Sorry Hal! Maybe learn more than some HTML and I won't throw you under the bus. I need to log on and fix up some of that in a bit. I am sure it looks like a tornado hit it from the inside.

I have been at this for months, even years now. Longer than the NEN official site even existed. A lot of this is hand made and if not that, completely out of my own pockets. I plan to continue being crazy even if my pockets are reduced to nothing but lint and moths (they have, more than once.) I love Emery Phone.

Peace and Love (except for the french, that being Emery. I will get you Emery.)

Tschüss! Buh-Bye! Until next time! Au revoir! (Eww... French...)

[intrepidacious]

hi! ok I just wanted to ask someone who knows how tumblr works haha

so I found someone who writes amazing content so I decided to follow them. I binged lots of their fics earlier today and when I checked their profile again later, their profile doesn’t show. It seems they might have blocked me and I don’t know why :( I commented that I loved their fics and the comments are removed. my profile has my age and I am decently active on reposting & commenting on fics. This happened to me one other time too so I just am confused I guess :( I tried to message them but it said it wouldn’t go through so that makes me think I’m blocked? I guess I don’t know why a couple people blocked me? Just kinda made me sad bc I really enjoy their work but now I won’t be able to see anymore ☹️😢

happy to!! 💛

first thing you gotta remember that in all likelihood, your getting blocked is nothing personal. reasons for blocking someone on tumblr include but aren't limited to:

you don't have your age (range) listed in your bio/clearly visible on your blog

the age you have listed doesn't adhere to boundaries a blog has set (f.e. you're a minor, or it only says "18+" which i know many writers don't accept)

your blog is completely empty i.e. you don't post/reblog stuff

you don't reblog other people's writing

you spam like posts

you've never changed the default icon/header to something else

people don't vibe with the things you reblog

your theme is a colour they don't like

a lot of the time, it comes down to everyone's preferences. god knows i've been blocked by people and didn't understand why, but frankly it's none of my business. most likely, you won't ever find out, either. everyone is creating their own online space, and sometimes that means having a quick blocking finger. i'm sorry that you won't be able to read those stories anymore but you have to accept creators' boundaries.

however, there are some things you can do and try to prevent getting blocked in the future. these are only a couple of suggestions around tumblr etiquette i've picked up on over the years; if anyone else wants to chip in here, please do!!

1. make sure your blog is, by all appearances, that of a human being

this might sound stupid because of course, you are a human, but with the recent bot wars it's all the more important to double check for red flags.

check your url. does it include a random string of numbers, lots of dashes, just a name and an adjective? all of these have been indicative of porn bots and people might block you on sight.

change your icon and your header. yes, both of them. there are lots of creators on here who make wonderful fandom related headers and icons, or you can create your own with canva. just be sure to follow creators' rules and preferably reblog their creation

change your blog title. if your account is new, it will just say "untitled", which is another indication you might not be a human. use quotes, song lyrics, anything you enjoy

add a bio. this is where you put your name or nickname (you can make one up) age, age range, links to second blogs (if applicable), more quotes, whatever. i prefer my bio short and to the point, but that doesn't have to be you.

important: do this for all blogs and side blogs you use regularly. if you have a second blog for reblogging fics, you need to put up your age there as well, or at least visibly link to your main blog so creators can see you're not a minor. the harder it is to verify that you're an adult, the more likely it is that you will get blocked

2. know the different kinds of interactions on tumblr and navigate them well

there's a difference between liking, commenting, reblogging, and reposting, and it's important. lots of people use reblogging and reposting interchangeably, but that's actually incorrect and can lead to serious mishaps. let's dissect them one by one.

liking.

you're familiar with the like from other social media platforms. you tap a post twice or hit the little heart at the bottom of the post and it's added to your likes. wonderful, right? well. tumblr is a little different.

tumblr doesn't have an algorithm. let me say that again. there is no algorithm on tumblr. i guess there is, on the for you page, but that doesn't count because it's really shit. the only important thing on tumblr is your dashboard, and your dashboard only shows original posts and the reblogs of those posts from people you follow.

no one cares about your likes. your likes don't do shit. that's why creatives on here keep talking about reblogs. you need to reblog things on tumblr in order for them to get seen. it's a snowballing effect. likes are nice and all, but they're private. they're not contributing to a story or an artwork being seen by more people. they're essentially empty interaction. what's more, should a post get deleted for whatever reason, that post is gone for you forever.

i know some people use their likes as bookmarks for things they want to look at later, but i would strongly urge you not to do that. people block serial likers, because most of the time it is, sadly, very unlikely that they will come back and actually interact with the post again. that's just the way it is. we can thank tiktok and instagram for that. again, tumblr doesn't have an algorithm. if you want to genuinely support and encourage people on here, you need to do more than liking.

commenting.

this is a step up from liking, because you're actually interacting now. a comment will show up in the activity of the person whose post you left it on and of the original poster (op)—more on that distinction in a minute. comments are encouraged especially on ask/answer type posts, or as a reply to an earlier reblog.

when it comes to fanfic, there are, again, pros and cons. you can only leave a comment from your main blog, which means that even if you have a second account where you reblog fics, there's not necessarily a link between the two. this can lead to your getting blocked if you've never reblogged a fic to your main blog. on the other hand, if people comment on your fic without reblogging it, but they do reblog other people's fics, that can also rub creators the wrong way because it creates a strange sort of hierarchy: why those fics? why not mine?

important thing to note: i am not saying that to make anyone feel bad about "just" commenting, i just want you to be aware that this might go on in a creator's head. it has in mine. i'm very aware that this is a me problem, but it's also a reason why people might get blocked out of the blue, which is why i wanted to bring it up.

reblogging.

ah yes, reblogging. reblogging is the thing that makes tumblr tumblr, and it's so easy to do. you just hit the little 🔁 symbol at the bottom of the post, and boom, it's reblogged to your own blog. everyone who follows you can now see it on their dashboard, and if they reblog it, their followers can see it, and so on and so forth. every time someone reblogs a post from you, you will get a notification in your activity, and so will the op.

reblogs are the heart and soul of tumblr. yes, original posts are (usually) individual creations, but the community aspect of this site is born through the reblog. there are different variations on how to reblog. all are valid, because all help spreading posts around.

the empty reblog is the quickest option. there's literally a quick reblog option on mobile: if you hold your finger on the reblog button for a second or so, you will see your icon appear. if you swipe in that direction, the post gets immediately reblogged to your blog. something similar can be done on desktop with the xkit browser extension. it's fast, it's easy, it gets the job done. it's perfect for when you like a post but don't have anything specific to say/reply.

the reblog with tags is the second fastest option. tags, on tumblr, are sort of the sotto voce version of comments. yes, you can use tagging to organise your blog and make your posts easily findable (is that a word?) but the real fun begins when little asides are added. you can keysmash in the tags. you can put your thoughts in the tags. you can go full caps without it looking overwhelming in the actual post. if you're just starting to comment on things, the tags are a great place to start, because the actual post will keep looking the same; the tags are just a little additional bonus for both you and the creator. this is what you would use for the majority of posts that aren't works of art in any way, too, like text posts you want to find again, polls, photographs etc.

the reblog with additions though? oh boy. that's the real stuff. imagine it as clipping on your thoughts to the post, right there for everyone to see. you can add gifs, and memes, and change the font, and change the colour, and scream, and keysmash, and ramble without limitations. it's like catnip for the op. if you reblog a fic, a moodboard, a piece of art, a gifset, whatever it is, and you put your thoughts underneath? man, it's amazing.

side note: if you're new to commenting on people's fics and you don't know what to say, i highly recommend referring to this post. (btw i linked my reblog so it can act as an example of the different forms of adding to a post: there were other reblogs before mine, and i've added tags. useful in its content and as an example!!)

reposting.

this is where we need to be careful. reblogs are great. reposts are theft. where's the difference? reposting refers to you copying another creator's work, whatever it may be, and creating a new post without any indication to the original person's efforts. even if you do include their url, you will most likely get reported and blocked. because now, you've become the op of this copied post, and the actual creator will get absolutely nothing.

you will most likely have seen banners in fic communities that state something along the lines of "don't copy or translate any of my work to this or any other site". that's what this refers to. this would also include the following:

posting another writer's story to ao3/wattpad/another fic site of your choice without their permission. you can absolutely never do this. "but what if"—NO. never. fullstop.

some creators allow translations of their work, but you can only ever share those with their explicit permission and proper credit.

saving a gif to use without linking back to the artist. this is maybe my biggest gripe. yes, i know this site sucks at making gifs searchable, but still, you can't do this. and no, "credit goes to the original artist" doesn't count, where did that bullshit even come from? it makes me so mad. that's not giving credit, that's being lazy.

3. be nice, and have fun

this is fandom, and it's supposed to be a hobby. this is supposed to be a good time. none of us are getting paid for any of this. yes, we're all passionate about what we do, whether we're looking at other people's creations or we make them ourselves. we're fans of that common thing, and isn't that great?

just a little more internet etiquette that's not really tumblr specific but could be a good reminder for everyone:

not everything is for you, and that's okay

if something's not for you, scroll away

if you don't like what someone is posting, ignore them. mute them. block them.

do not ever, and i mean ever, send anyone hate. you don't know who's on the other side of the screen. block them and move on. life's too fucking short.

don't correct people's grammar/spelling. only assholes do that. if you can't help yourself and they're a person you've interacted with before, shoot them a private message and be nice about it.

don't offer unsolicited advice. i don't care if you want to give constructive criticism to help the other person. unless they've explicitly asked you to do that, don't. you'll get blocked so quick, and you'll ruin someone's day.

if you're reading a fic that's not finished yet, don't ask for an update. yes, you're excited for the story to continue. but "part 2", "when's the next chapter out", "more please" and so on are all things that put pressure on creators whether that's your intention or not. it gives us the impression that what we've already put out is never enough. and that sucks. by all means, be excited about what comes next, but not like this.

read!! old!! fics!!!! the beauty of tumblr being the way it is is that there's zero shame in interacting with older posts. it's not like you're liking a seven year old post on instagram. in fact, if you're commenting on a seven year old fic/gifset/moodboard/artwork on tumblr, i can guarantee you're gonna make that creator's day.

i'm absolutely positive that i've forgotten something in this post even though it's longer than several of my wips, so if any of my moots want to add something that'd be great!! in fact i'm gonna tag some of you because you know what? if you've read all of this you deserve a kiss. have a wonderful day 💛

@marvelettesassemblenow @barnesafterglow @imaginearyparties @aphrogeneias @brandycranby @writing-for-marvel @foreverindreamlandd @sanguineterrain @demxters @wildlivelychild

[jondoe297]

fuck you. just. fuck this. i won't be posting shit anymore until further notice or whatever. let's see what happens an what we're gonna do. i dunno fuck it.

you won't keep getting away with stealing people's work. we can't let them get away with stealing our fucking work.

until then. use Glaze and Nightshade to ptotect your artwork and images. Glaze creates a protective layer on the image and prevents the A.I. from copying it. Nightshade fucking poisons the software.

best combination is using Nightshade then Glaze on the image.

here's a link to Glaze

here's a link to Nightshade

i am sorry i don't know any ways for protecting writing. only images. if you see this and know of any way or if there is a way drop it here please.

and yes i did actually read the news

(here is an article that's real good in my opinion)

an i know the deal is not finalized an they "have an option to opt out" an are "all about options" an blah blah blah blaaah i don't give a damn. these corporate thieves' words mean nothing to me. i have been kidding myself this whole time about tumblr an just waiting for the inevitable. well here it is. this was my corner of the internet as i'm sure it was for so many of us,but fuck it. fuck. it. i guess my drawing an shit won't have anyone seein it.

yes you can say this is a moment reaction from me but it is not an overreaction. this is getting worse and worse and the state of the world keeps getting worse and worse and worse and on top of that the conditions in which we can create and express ourselves are getting soo much worse and so much harder. but it is not over.

please excuse my bleak tone an my ranting an my language i hate to vent an i hate to curse online an so out in the open but i had to let this out for a moment. but i am NOT being defeatist. i am NOT giving up. we can not give up we can not stop fighting to protect our rights. we can not we will not.

i will only take this brief moment in the form of this post but i am NOT putting my head down.

we have voices. they will not be silenced. we will not be replaced.

Greed and the absence of morals will not win over the true human spirit and creativity.

ID/image description: a screenshot of several headlines about tumblr's owner striking deals with A.I. companies to sell user data to them to train their A.I. on the stolen works of the platform's users. end description.

[prodigaldaughteralice]

My raeda playlist is finally all put together! And because I'm a nutcase, I did an illustration for each track. For the rymin playlist, I tried to make them all go together smoothly, but for this one I decided to challenge myself to do each one in a different style! Here's some thumbnails:

Annotations and full illustrations under the jump :)

Luna-- Hayley Kiyoko; young Raine infatuated with Eda.

Luna, tell me, do you want me here right under you? Trying to follow every move Will you ever come down?

My Best Friend's Hot-- The Dollyrots; young Eda infatuated with Raine.

I'm gonna tell you that you're mean, 'cos you don't know You interrupt another dream, so out you go!

Clean-- Pale Waves; the young lovers.

You're the one girl that I just can't get enough of Maybe it's love, maybe it's a moment. You're the one drug that I don't want to get clean from, Is it too soon to say that I'm falling?

ICIMY-- Phoebe Ryan; Eda post-breakup. (Side note, I had never seen the official music video for this song before I put the playlist together for youtube so I only just found out the love interest in it is also a hot enby. Fate!)

Who do I call when I fall into something I can't escape? What am I supposed to do, what am I supposed to do In case I miss you?

Favourite Record-- Fall Out Boy; Raine post-breakup.

You were the song stuck in my head, every song that I'll ever love. Play it again, and again, and again, And you can get what you want, but it's never enough.

Favourite Year-- The Chicks; looking back on it with a little more distance and fondness.

You looked at me like no one else, But sometimes love just doesn't seem to conquer all.

To Noise Making (Sing!)-- Hozier; Eda hears Raine is teaching for the Bard Coven and misses when their music was free.

I couldn't name the feeling carried in that voice; Was it that, or just the act of making noise that brought you joy?

Best of All Possible Worlds-- Kris Kristofferson; Eda's life on her own (clashing with cops, making trouble)

That policeman said "Mister Cool, if you're not drunk then you're a fool." I said "if that's against the law, tell me why I never saw Nobody in that jail of yours who wasn't just as low-down poor as me?" ...well, that was when someone turned out the lights And I wound up in jail to spend the night...

Music Jail pt. 1-- They Might be Giants; Raine's life on their own (subtler forms of resistance.) Also note that Music Jail pts 1 and 2 are the same track but 2 doesn't suit Raine as well; just bear with me lol

Where you goin', buddy? Where you goin', buddy? Won't you come with me to music jail?

This Love-- Taylor Swift; reunion.

These hands had to let it go free, and This love came back to me.

I Wish I Was the Moon-- Neko Case; isolated from each other, both trying to make the world better.

Paralyzed and collared tight, No pills for what I fear. This is crazy, I wish I was the moon tonight.

The Long and Winding Road-- The Beatles; Raine realizes they can't keep her out of the loop anymore.

Anyway, you'll never know The many ways I've tried. But still, they lead me back...

Now You Know-- Anaïs Mitchell; together again, Eda thinks about her future, her kids, death, and Raine.

When I think about dying, I think about children, And when I think about children, I think about you.

Lowlife-- That Poppy; delighted to be together after it all.

And I get so lonely, I can't make it on my own, And I need to see you-- can you come to my chateau?

Always-- The Veronicas; they've been through a lot and there will always be difficulties, but it's okay.

My house, my house is yours, so you can take your coat off, And you can close the door, my love's not gonna run out.

Because the Night-- Patti Smith; lovers.

Love is an angel disguised as lust, Here in our bed until the morning comes.

Nothing Matters When We're Dancing-- The Magnetic Fields; Comfortable together.

Dance with me, my old friend, once before we go. Let's pretend this song won't end, and we never have to go home.

Our House-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young; the whole rest of their lives gets to be together.

Staring at the fire for hours and hours While I listen to you play your love songs all night long for me Only for me...

[wasirauhlpsds]

Important information!

Hello everyone! I just wanted to stop by to say a few things

WASIRAUHLPSDS was created in 2012 by me (Júlia) when I was a teenager. For many years this tumblr was my safe space, I met so many wonderful people here, I had so much fun and I learned a lot as well! Unfortunately we all grow up and life happens. I'm not a teenager anymore, my biggest worries today are not picking the photos I'm going to be using on my previews or what kind of PSD I'm going to make, I have bigger responsabilities now and I don't have time, I don't have the motivation to make PSDs anymore and I'm speaking in behalf of all the members here. We have our own homes now, our routine, real jobs etc etc

Throughout these twelve years we posted A LOT, we gained a lot of followers, some are here since the beggining of everything. I'm so thankful for all the notes, all the reblogs, all the likes and especially all the love you guys has showed us. I'm really thankful for all of you. Like I said, this tumblr was my safe space for so long and it helped me a lot as I was growing up.

You guys probably noticed that some of out links are down and I'm doing my best to re-upload mine (/tagged/ju). Unfortunately I don't have access to the other members PSDs and we don't have any contact anymore so I apologize but there's nothing I can do about their download links. And I'm really sorry for all the unanswered asks, there's a lot and since I'm the only one (i think) that stills logs here I can't keep up with everything. I also wanted to let you all know that we don't have any photoshop links that are working and we won't be uploading any ps links anymore.

Thank you again for all the love and support you guys has showed us throughout these twelve years, it really meant a lot!

This is not a goodbye. I'm still here, every now and then I log to reblog new psds and tutorials, answer a few asks (few free to ask) and maybe post some psds idk. I just wanted to make some things clear since there were A LOT of asks.

Love you guys! Thank you!

PORTUGUÊS

Olá pessoal! Eu queria passar aqui para esclarecer algumas coisas

WASIRAUHLPSDS foi criado em 2012 por mim (Júlia) quando eu ainda era adolescente. Por muito anos esse tumblr foi "meu porto seguro", eu conheci tanta gente incrível aqui, me diverti muito e também aprendi muito! Infelizmente a gente cresce e a vida acontece. Eu não sou mais adolescente (chorando) e atualmente as minhas maiores preocupações não são quais fotos vou escolher para fazer as previews ou que tipo de PDS vou fazer, hoje tenho responsabilidades maiores e eu não tenho tempo e nem motivação para fazer PSD e eu digo isso em nome dos outros membros também. A gente tem nossas próprias casas agora, nossa rotina, trabalho etc etc

Ao longo desses doze anos nós postamos MUITO, ganhamos muitos seguidores e alguns estão aqui desde o começo de tudo. Sou muito grata por todos os notes, todos os reblogs, todos os likes e especialmente todo amor que vocês nos deram. Sou muito grata por todos vocês. Como eu disse, esse tumblr foi meu porto seguro por muito tempo e me ajudou muito enquanto eu crescia e descobria a vida.

Vocês provavelmente notaram que alguns dos nossos links não estão funcionando mais e eu to tentando upar novamente os meus (/tagged/ju). Infelizmente eu não tenho acesso aos PSDs dos outros membros and perdi o contato com a maioria então eu peço desculpas mas em relação aos PSDs deles não há nada que eu possa fazer. Peço desculpa pelas asks não respondidas, tem muitas e eu sou a única que ainda entra aqui (eu acho) e eu não consigo acompanhar tudo. Outra coisa que eu queria dizer é que nenhum dos links que temos do photoshop estão funcionando e não iremos mais postar nenhum link de ps.

Obrigada mais uma vez por todo amor e apoio que vocês tem nos dado durante esses doze anos, significou muito para todos nós.

Isso não é um adeus. Eu ainda estou aqui, de vez em quando eu entro e reblogo algum PSD ou tutorial, respondo algumas asks (fiquem a vontade para perguntar, eu demoro um pouco mas respondo) e talvez quem sabe postar alguns PSDs. Eu só queria esclarecer algumas coisas porque tinha MUITAS asks.

Obrigada pessoal! Amamos vocês!

[crystalsamethyst]

I have let myself be extremely vulnerable recently and I don't know if it's something people really care about but I'm going to talk about it.

The fact that I've been sharing the whole picture of who I am across several platforms is something I never thought I'd be able to do. There has been so much embarrassment and shame in my personal life over me writing fanfiction and latching on to series that I could barely even admit it out loud even though it was my entire sense of self. I couldn't talk about what I was writing. I couldn't share it. Even if people were genuinely interested, I'd have a panic attack thinking their perception of me would be altered and I'd lose everything.

Sharing what I write is extremely difficult because on one hand, it's a part of me, but on the other hand, there are things I have to incorporate for the stories that don't represent me at all and I'm terrified of people coming to the wrong conclusions about who I am as a person. Even if the writing is 100% aligned with what I wanted for it, that still doesn't mean it's always who I am or what I like or approve of for real life.

I also never thought of myself as a 'real writer' until I finished my own original book since fanfiction 'doesn't count' (in my irl world).

My username on fanfiction sites is different than the ones I share things about my actual life on and it will probably stay that way. It always felt like such a disconnect but I intended to stay anonymous, post what I wanted to, and not get found by a select few people who seemed to be able to find and shame me wherever I went (still found me on some of the sites but by then they didn't hold power over me at least)

So recently, I've been linking my work which is on AO3 under the same username I use for all sites I've posted fanfics on. I've even put direct links to my AO3 in some of my online profiles. There's a lot of my old work out there that I don't want to be represented by but someone liked it so I'm not going to take them down.

This is a very vulnerable process for me, admitting that I am a person and here is what I like and here is what I write. It might take a while until I'm comfortable sharing everything I wanted to post, but if I eventually do, I really hope people won't come after me for it (super unlikely scenario but, anxiety). I'm not scared of online hate, but I'm terrified of losing the respect and friendships of those I've connected with even if there is nothing even 'socially' wrong with the stories.

I really appreciate the support I've gotten so far. Especially with the TGCF community. I've had to learn a lot on my own since I started posting things like 13 years ago, and I'm still figuring out AO3 and learning new terms. I sometimes feel like a new young fan just now learning how the internet works.

I've been isolated a lot of my life and have several mental health issues plus autism so I'm super knowledgeable in some areas but completely in the dark in others that might seem incredibly obvious and commonly known, and it's the same for fandoms and websites. (I've actually been apparently using Tumblr wrong this whole time too for the like system. I've been using it mostly as bookmarks or read laters. Whoops.)

On a lesser note, I also never imagined I would start drawing again. I actually used to be pretty good at it but again, was shamed and ridiculed for a lot and compared to others so I stopped for a really long time. I'm glad I can share it without being tooooo embarrassed anymore.

It means a lot to me to be so supported, and I would tag a few of you specifically but I don't want you guys to feel called out. But please know that your support and enthusiasm means the world to me and I appreciate and care about you very much. Thank you for helping me feel safe while I'm letting myself be vulnerable.

[a-binary-choice]

Just a recap of what we do know (links to proof at bottom):

Ever since the little girl started sexually harassing Ted under his pics on Insta and under his tweets people have been telling her or asking her not to do this and to please treat him with respect. Even if her age wasn't in her IG bio months ago it was clear she is very young, and it is definitely clear NOW.

2. How this all 'started'

He was mentioned on Tw multiple times in tweet replies that this girl is a MINOR and that she should stop this. He was active on Twitter liking tweets, the girl had responded to his tweet about the dentist 'I bet you go to lots of wild parties Ted'. He 'liked' this reply, so he saw her commenting suggestively again and showed her he LIKES her reply. It's been clear that him liking or replying to her comments (she commented 'be my munch' months ago and Ted replied 'oh my...') has encouraged her to keep at it, because she never stopped and she has been saying to ppl, 'he thinks I'm funny, he always likes my replies'.

3. After he liked her reply about the wild parties he started to follow her. Mind you, he knew this 15 y/o girl had been posting half naked pics of herself on her public twitter, because he followed her almost right after a couple ppl notified him. Ppl say he doesn't have time to check everything... He is very active on socials, he even liked an older pic by a 22 y/o female fan, proving he def scrolls down on twitter accounts, because he had to scroll down several tweets to get to the pic he liked.

4. People are now saying some proof of DMs someone spread is fake (it was an edit the girl made, we weren't aware this was fake). Okay, that's fair. But let's not get side tracked. The real DMs will never be shared. We do know the girl showed off to her friends on TikTok saying he followed her (which we know is true because we can see it's true) and that he initiated contact by saying 'Why, hello [name redacted]', which sounds flirty and inappropriate. People are calling the girl a liar. But what if she's not lying about him DMing her now that he's following her? Would it be okay then? Even in a non sexual context it's inappropriate for a 57 y/o man to be social media friends with a 15 y/o girl, and we've already established there's a sexual context from her side at least, because it's been documented. Teachers get fired for stuff like this, because of the power imbalance.

5. If you're accused of something like this, what would you do if you were innocent? Would you stay quiet, waiting for it to blow over? Or would you do anything to show you haven't been doing anything illegal? What seems icky to me is that the girl has locked her Tw, so if Ted likes a lewd pic, no one would know. And if there's nothing disturbing or illegal going on, why are her Tw and IG profiles private and has she deleted her entire TikTok acc?

This is not drama, it turned into that because people launched personal attacks, I have been guilty of that as well. I won't anymore because that is not what this is about. This is about a minor being at risk OR a celeb nearly ruining his whole career because he didn't just tell the girl to stop, didn't just block the girl, but instead decided it would be smart to follow her and most probably DM her, initiating contact with a 15 y/o.

[monkey-network]

My Issues/Problems/Disgusts Resolved(?)

When you have issues, troubles, or disgusts with anything, the hardest but relieving thing to do coming to terms with them. A couple of years ago, I made a trilogy of posts exploring three people I found ranging from repugnant to devious. It came at a time when frustrations might as well have come out and frankly they were just about people everyone was more than aware of online. Enough time has passed and while this isn't just gonna be me apologizing or being remorseful for what I said, I want to I guess truly bury the hatchet and resolve these stuck-around feelings as somebody that has... been humbled a lot over these years (make of that what you will). This is coming from somebody that knows a lot about staying in your own head. So yeah, let's talk.

Lily Orchard [OP Link]

Gotta say that... nothing's really changed only in that it's all less with anger now. Put this first because it'll be short. To be as sincere as I can, she's just an unlikable person. Regardless of her out there opinions and ideas of media literacy, or her choices in fictional tastes, I won't be the guy that will throw every evil label and the kitchen sink onto her. Calling the spade a spade, even as a former fan I saw that within reason it was seeing a very insatiable and arrogant media "critic" with negative social skills. Hell, the mentions you see of her on Tumblr or Twitter especially are just the open secret that most people don't like her. For me, that resentment has become passive chagrin.

I won't convince anybody of who she can really be, how bad she can be at being both original and derivative, or what she is potentially. I wouldn't say a lost cause, but there's nothing complicated about this anymore. She's just a massive asshole. Not because of any human characteristic of hers, her opinions, or what was known about her in the past. Take away any personal semantics or bias, I remain only puzzled about how her circle is able to tolerate her presence because she's just an unlikable person and that's all on her.

Butch Hartman {OP Link}

2020 basically was the year where a man responsible for one of the most popular cartoons on Nickelodeon finished swan-diving his reputation just as fast as the likes of John K and Justin Roiland. From scheming a streaming service that still isn't out of early access yet to making a Christian flash cartoon that looks 20 years too late. It's a classic story of pride coming before the fall, culminating in his Youtube channel being a wasteland aside from sketch tiktoks that barely make the thousands in views despite his huge follower count. As much as LSMark looked to make good-faith conversation with him recently, Butch basically became a ghost now after all the controversies died down.

Now despite what I said initially, Butch's fall in reputation is definitely not comparable to Kricfalusi or Roiland's; we've heard nothing of him physically taking advantage of anybody in or out the industry. The worse he's done is take advantage of his legacy for either financial or supportive gains. This is not as bad as domestic or sexual assault of course, but it spoke wonders of how the ego of big time creators can kill any goodwill and faith when they're not actually considerate of the following that respect them. A quick search of his name on Youtube is more about the people discussing his controversies than anything he worked on. People still discuss Danny Phantom and Fairly Oddparents, hell the Cosmo mpreg episode is a meme to this day, but with the detachment towards Butch as the creator.

I'm fine with this predicament, but it's sad to believe this was all on him. It wasn't just about Oaxis being a scam or him saying "he created your childhood" or heaven forbid his attempts of promoting religious healing, it was about seeing a creator of some things you liked reveal himself as someone in a bubble that you lose any idea in looking up to. It's not exactly "Don't Meet Your Heroes," more "Don't glue on rose-tinted glasses". I won't force or insult what remains of Butch's "fanbase" for sticking with him, but this definitely woke me up in terms of how I view the creators I love. Humility is the special word in all this, where some creators can have some disapproving moments but you can still have respect for their craft. With Butch, it wasn't even him entirely that made his shows look great. As of now, he's making poorly illustrated kid's bible stories with Fairly Oddparents getting a live-action show that Nickelodeon regretted making immediately after releasing to the point of erasing it all not even a full year after it was first announced. Even when things are probably fine now, the guy fell off as hard as I expected originally. I can seriously put this behind knowing I was factually right on the money the first time and that does put a smile on my face.

Also... Butt Shartman. That's all, let's move on.

Mysterious Mr. Enter (OP Link)

I'll say this was the reason why I made this post. Lily and Hartman I say speak of an absence of change and reflecting on that absence. Mr. Enter is different and, cut to the chase, it has to do with this recent video.

I've talked my fair share of shit toward Mr. Enter these past few years, reasonably so. At the same time, my vitriol toward him came from some semblance of respect. Many have to this day brought up Mr. Enter calling out the writers of Spongebob for a particular episode they did, but John is right in that that was around the time he barely had a following and just started out with media reviews. Mr. Enter has made bad opinions, I will never deny that and this isn't me defending him, but I see that he can recognize they're bad. He's better than Lily Orchard in that... he can admit being wrong and grow from it. We meme and shit on this dude, but for me, there was still that modicum of respect I had for him being this dedicated. In spite of the harassment or the justified backlash, he's still putting in the effort.

Over the years, I've come to understand that media critics can have different understandings of media. That doesn't mean every critic is always right in their own way, grifters exist for a reason, but I don't see Mr. Enter as a grifter-type critic compared to people who to this day complain about The Last Jedi. He can have some off takes on the types of humor or tropes in a cartoon, but more often than not he's being sincere. That's why I say he still has some respect from me for as long as I've known him. Every bad take aside, I don't take him as somebody who is "ruining media criticism".

I don't agree with everything he says or believes, but John's doing better than I can say for Butch Hartman or Lily Orchard especially. He's doing Admirable Animations again, something I brought up originally, and am intrigued to see that he indirectly took my advice. He can work well with more positive videos. I never felt he was an actively terrible critic, Turning Red meme aside, and I didn't want to just treat him as the bane of online media criticism or the worst thing to ever happen. The dude has his faults but can acknowledge them better than most online personalities I've seen who feel it's weak to admit anything. He's no different from the Nostalgia Critic where the tumultuous attitudes toward them in the past have subsided where yeah, I'm not gonna side with every bad opinion or choice they make but they aren't actively killing any goodwill I would have for them. It's not pity, but making your empathy less black and white compared to people more deserving of scrutiny. Overall I still have hopes Mr. Enter will do better, imperfect as things can get.

Conclusion

I wanna say this post and the former three I made reflected the increased awareness and discourse of the parasocial relationships we can have, especially online. There have been plenty of people that certainly abused their status and paid for it, these three stayed in the mind for how consistently they tracked in soiling their reputation. At the same time, how wary we are about things or the people we followed isn't always cut and dry. That's why the title has the question mark in parentheses, nothing ever ends so I'm not saying these current feelings will just be buried away and forgotten forever. I just know that for this current future, it's better to seriously lay things to rest while subconsciously keeping in mind what can be done differently from now on. To conclude, this is all better than having to care about people like Andrew Tate or Elon Musk living another day.

[lemonhemlock]

What are snapewives?

alright anons BUCKLE UP this is going to be a bumpy ride

i received this ask yesterday & externalised it to one of my friends who is a little bit of a, let's say, MEME HISTORIAN. an internet dilettante. a dabbler. and this is what she so graciously conveyed to me for you all.

"http://web.archive.org/web/20130311072442/http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1015949.html?thread=134116749#t134116749 ^okay this is honestly the best source if you want a quick and dirty nothing can explain it better than the post that started it all it loads slowly but it is the post I first saw :))) in fucking 2006 bc I've always been an asshole

there's also a journal article on this: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/276042424_'Snapewives'and'Snapeism'_A_Fiction-Based_Religion_within_the_Harry_Potter_Fandom :))))

also, as someone who's occasionally dipped into pagan tumblr, the way they used to talk about snape is the way some of them talk about their gods :)))

Lady Darkness: understand, I can only write when I can concentrate on my love for him. Indeed he feels so very close then, like he's looking over your shoulder to see if you do it like he wants it to be.. Sometimes I don't write for weeks, and then suddenly I am a writing machine..endless and full of ideas. Putting on some music helps though..if you know what he likes. Ever tried classical? It works really well, I think he likes it, just like he likes the dark music (not too fast, a little vampire rock style ) I hope he'll be telling you to keep making pictures, they're awesome! Some are so good I feel so moved by them I have to see them, and yes..he feels so close then sigh

https://fanlore.org/wiki/Snapewives ^the fanlore page is easier to understand, but it doesn't have the impact of the original

ETA: On October 14, Lady Darkness and Snapemaniac reconciled. Said Snapemaniac, "I have returned to the Master's Dungeons. My loyalties lie with Severus. As of today, they're talking about how it'd feel to be "caught full force in that glare" of Snape's.

insane :))))

ETA 3: Snapemaniac is just as nuts. "Severus Snape intimidates JKRowling. This is why she wouldn't want to meet him. She is afraid of him."

the comments are also a riot, if you can have a look at some of them (the webarchive LJ link)

Severus is looking over his shoulder at me and he seems suspicious of my laughter- "TELL ME, CAN YOU READ?….MY NAME IS SEVERUS SNAPE, THEREFORE, DO NOT TAKE LIBERTIES WITH IT!"- SNARLED SNAPE The things I feel Severus won't tolerate: 1) Being dominated 2) Disrespect (do not call him just Snape, he hates that.) 3) Prying into his personal life/disregarding his privacy 4) Being told to give up his grudges [talking about Potter] 5) Disobedience to his commands/advice/wishes 6) Being ignored 7) Undermining his authority to anyone else 8) Silly behaviour/childish behaviour 9) Being harrassed/made fun of/laughed at/picked on He really hates this /He sees laughter as nonsense and doesn't waste his time with it./ 10) Wasting his time and efforts 11) Half-heartedness/weakness of any kind/being thought of as weak 12) Shortening of his name and adding 'cutesy' words to it [UGH!!] 13) Improper use of language and misspelling words/vulgarity-constantly 14) Laziness of any kind [All Capricorn No-Nos] Imagine Severus standing at your back with his nose pressed to your ear, growling in that deep voice. Oh Mercy!!

'

you just don't get drama like this anymore

https://www.reddit.com/r/HobbyDrama/comments/d4wwir/harry_potter_fandom_married_to_severus_snape_on/ ^this post is also a primer of sorts :))

i'm sorry I couldn't provide the full lowdown, but I think this is good bc it's mostly primary sources :)))) you can't beat that"

[hipster--kitten]

This blog is my "main" blog but it's not what Tumblr considers my "main"/primary blog (which is what shows up when I like/follow stuff), my memory is terrible but I think this blog became my primarily used blog due to it starting as an aesthetic blog and ending up being for a while the only blog I used.

Anyway, this has been a problem for me since it started because there's no way to change what Tumblr considers your main/primary and because of that instead of moving my posting to what Tumblr considers my primary blog I did a totally not sus-looking workaround by making my primary blog have nothing but links to this blog, with the custom blog page being literally just a redirect to this blog's custom page. The pfp is identical and the URL is nearly the same.

I don't wanna have it be this way anymore, and to my knowledge Tumblr has still not added a way to change your main/primary blog so I'm kinda at a loss on what to do. This blog has literally over 6 years of posts so it would honestly suck to start over on another blog and have to search both blogs when I wanna find stuff. By switching I'd also be hoping that the small handful of people who still interact with this blog would be willing to follow me on my primary blog as well. The other pain in the ass would be copying my custom blog page over to the primary blog and making sure it works properly.

Idk, I'm frustrated with my teenage self for just continuing to dig myself into this hole rather than just moving to the primary blog when it first became a problem, because now I worry that people don't follow my side blog(s) because they see me follow them on my primary blog and leave when they see it's purely empty other than linking to this blog. I feel like I wanna do this move because I don't want that to be a problem anymore but it's gonna be rough, I doubt any of my mutuals have had this problem but please let me know if y'all have any suggestions for how to make any part of this issue better.

Also, it would mean a lot if my mutuals/active followers would be willing to follow my primary blog (@hipster--kittenn) so that if I do follow through on this I'll at least have y'all there, if I don't move y'all won't see anything from that blog so I'd hope that makes it feel like less commitment since it's not entirely just following a new blog, and if I do move there all the same posts I share here will be on there and I'll change the URLs (which I need to pick a better URL anyways since these ones are so dated lmao)

[commanderquinn]

Good Space Chapter 1: Flower

! i dont! keep these posts! updated! like i do! ao3!

that means you're going to find typos and shit (and possibly minor detail changes) that don't match the ao3 version! that's because im not going to bother fixing the tumblr posts until i finish good space as a whole. im only uploading them here as a backup tbh

—

master list / ao3 chapter link

—

She’s the one good thing about trips to medical in the Avenger’s Tower.

Every other day, at her direct insistence, her lab is the only place in the entire wing that he’s willing to go to. It smells warm and safe, nothing like the antiseptic that makes him want to break a limb. For the first two weeks, he tries to tell her that she doesn’t have to do this. He’s been looking after the link from his arm to his brain for years. There’s never been a problem with it that he couldn’t handle, and he’ll come back if anything ever feels off. No matter how much Steve hovers, she doesn’t need to waste her time on this.

By the start of the third week, he can’t bring himself to suggest that anymore.

—

psa: there’s some gross ass (sometimes detailed) nazi medical shit all through this fic, so if lobotomy talk of any kind is a no for you, skim over any brain talk. your best bet is just to skip the lab scenes where you can ❤️

fic title is a song by skrillex! we needed bouncy shit that vague hinted at plot. the chapter title is a moby song to lay out the v i b e s 👾 im always going to list these, so y’all have a song to listen to while reading

all i can think that needs to be said for canon clarity (ill make it all clear over time dw) is post-WS buckaroo got picked up by steve and sam to be taken for a shower and therapy. no civil war, no age of ultron. we're taking parts of it and doing other shit, you'll see. fury’s publicly alive and director again, shield got flushed out because mmmmm i said so i guess. no red room here. its not about nat, the lack of consent history hanging between them isnt something i want with this. i want to focus on other parts of their trauma bond. alsomaybeishipnatwithsomeoneinthis.

im sorry, but i never started wanda content on my end, and AI jarvis is comfy nostalgia i want to play in, so likely not a lot for her here. yes, we will be having shuri bully bucky, ofc, she’s the pin that holds this whole plot together (what else is new)

oh and i treat bucky’s arm as more of an atompunk feel rather than “the nazi’s had bleeding edge limb tech in ww2 that only affects bucky’s arm, definitely not anything else”

other than that, we’re firmly in good ‘ol stark tech magic and too many open wiki pages for all my plot device needs

also my grammar aint the good. i write these mf's in my spare time while baked af, you're gonna have to give a bitch a break babes 👾

—

Febuary 17th, 2018

"That's not what I'm asking about."

Tony throws up his hands from the other side of the conference table, then lets them smack back down against the polished surface dramatically. "Illuminate me then, Rogers. I'm running out of ways to explain that she's the best I've got to offer for this."

Steve pushes a hand through his hair with a frustrated huff. "I'm not a brain surgeon." 

"No shit, that's what she's here for."

"I meant that I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at."

"Now I know you're worried if you're willing to," Tony clutches at the front of his shirt in mock horror, "swear in public." Pepper smacks his shoulder without even looking up from her tablet. The sight would make Steve smile under normal circumstances. 

"You can hand me any resume you want, Tony. I'm telling you that I won't be able to see a difference. I know you're giving me a team who can do the work; I'm asking if they can do it while it's Bucky."

"Are you worried about his safety or theirs?" Pepper asks, finally looking over. Her tone isn't judgemental. If anything, it's veering towards the gentleness it has when she's talking Tony down.

"I'm not worried about theirs. I will be there every time. Even if he has a bad day, I'll make sure that—look. Nothing's going to happen. It's just...." Steve flips open the folder he's been carrying for a week. The edges of it are starting to wear down at this point. Sighing, he slides his summary notes to their side of the table. "He still doesn't... he doesn't talk about the previous escapes. No matter what his therapist tries. He just can't bring himself to do it. But it's not hard to get a clear picture of what used to happen. He does this every time. He builds himself a strong house, then a fallback point, and then he goes to work trying to fix all the damage alone, which he'll never be able to do. No one could. And there's not going to be a goon squad rolling in to drag him back anymore, so he's just going to—"

"Yeah, yeah, push him to help him; I grasped the concept the first hundred times," Tony cuts in. If he weren't so damn anxious, Steve might honestly feel bad about being so far up everyone's ass over this. "You've got me on board. So, what's the concern here? Will she quit the first time he bites her head off? That's a pretty chauvinist perspective, especially coming from you."

"She's had to put up with Tony long enough to befriend him; that should be proof enough." Pepper smiles as the nightmare himself points toward her in silent agreement.

Steve raises his hands amicably. "I'm not trying to insult anyone's professionalism. I'm sure she's had more than her fair share of problem patients to get where she is today. I'm... I'm more asking if—Christ. I'm sorry in advance, alright? But... Tony, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me that you'd have trusted her to get you home."

A stiff, all-consuming silence falls over the spare meeting room. Pepper and Steve waiting on bated breath; Tony frozen as he looks back at him with an expressionless face. 

Steve despises himself for doing this to him. The knowledge of what happened in that cave is something the man is unimaginably protective over. It took years—and a night of blackout drinking on Tony's end—for the story to even slip out of him. Talking about Yinsen is the only time Steve's seen him cry that he can remember. It was just one overflow, barely even two tears that got scrubbed off his cheeks within the first minute, but it was there. It's the only way Steve knows to get his point across.

Tony looks down at the table and adjusts his posture. His head shifts and his lips purse in that signature move of his, the one that comes up when he's forced to be a person. With feelings. Pepper's arm moves, no doubt taking his hand under the table. 

He looks back up, meeting Steve's eyes as his posture relaxes. "I wish they could have met. I think Yin would have gotten a kick out of her fashion taste. I think she'd have gotten an even bigger one out of putting him in it."

It's the most ringing endorsement he's ever heard the man give. More importantly, Steve knows just how much weight sits behind the guarded words.

—

"I've got their personnel files if you want them. They all volunteered them to you willingly."

"I'm alright."

"Do you want their names ahead of time?"

"No."

"Not even their first ones?"

"They can tell them to me."

"Okay."

"...."

"...."

"...What are they?"

"The ones that'll be behind the glass are Hannah and Wyatt." Of course Steve knows to start there, where his nerves will fixate the most. Asshole. "You probably won't even talk to the two of them today, but your main doctor for this will definitely offer to let you. Her name is Ava. She's going to check in with you for confirmation on a lot of things before she does them. I shadowed her for over a week, asshole. It's not about you; she does it for everyone."

Bucky grunts. "I wouldn't have jumped on her for it."

"No, you'd have sat there brooding like a petulant jackass instead, probably making her feel bad." Steve pauses for a long moment, fiddling with the paper coffee cup in his hands. "You should read Hannah's file, Buck."

"Why?" He shouldn't ask. He can hear the motive sitting in his best friend's voice. It's a fucking trap, and he fucking knows it, but he also can't stop himself.

"Her last name is Schuster."

He absolutely despises the way the situation makes his gut clench. They're dead. They're all dead, and the ones in their place have been declawed for much longer than he's been off ice. He's probably not even going to talk to the woman, at least not today. He might catch the sight of a name on a coat, however. Or on a chart.

He wanted to do this without letting old habits in. He wanted to at least start this feeling like a person, not a weapon. But he gets why the dickhead is trying to baby-step him into it.

Bucky holds out his hand. Steve silently passes him the tablet he keeps. Neither of them says a word as he reads the SHEILD file to himself, line by line. Taking in a stranger's entire professional life. Her family, her known associates, every residence she's ever held. It takes a moment of hovering his finger over the subfolder with her medical records to talk himself down from opening it. Nothing is lingering in those shadows; Steve wouldn't allow it. That's not a line he needs to cross anymore. 

He hands it back when he's done. "The other two?"

"Nothing I could think of. Ava's seen your hard limit list—you remember I told you I was gonna give it to one of your—?"

"I remember. It's okay. That's why you have it."

"Yeah." Steve takes another long pause. "You remember that she knows—"

"I know."

"Good. The others don't. She says they don't need to for any of it, and it's never going on record again." He looks over out of the corner of his eye. "She's going to bring it up today."

"I had a hunch."

"I just wanted to make sure it didn't surprise you."

"I know."

"Good." Steve picks up his coffee to drain the last of it in one swig. He tosses the empty cup into a trashcan by the wall a few tables over before looking back at him. He extends his now-empty hand. "Ready?"

"Not in the fucking least." Bucky raises his hand to lock with his best friends momentarily. "Let's go."

There's no wing in this tower—and he's been through all of them by now—that he dislikes more than medical. The place makes his skin feel like a thousand goddamn spiders are crawling all over him, and the smell of it, fuck. It sits in his head like a fog while it burns up the inside of his nose, making him want to break anything touching any part of him. He'd make Steve be here with him no matter what; that's a given. But the fact that there's going to be a doctor poking at him today while he's trying to power through it all makes the guy's presence non-negotiable. Bucky needs the safety net for the good of everyone in that room.

Steve doesn't try for talking to distract him, mercifully enough. There are times when it helps. Today isn't going to be one of them. He doesn't even have to bring it up for Steve to know, and the reminder that he's understood helps his nerves. It's been an incredibly long time since he had an incident. He's proud of every last one of those days. He won't be upset with himself—well. He'll try not to be upset with himself if that streak ends. But he really, really wants that day not to be today.

Bucky treats it like a mission. He's braced and ready for the antiseptic when they first get through the entrance. He doesn't flinch or huff through his nose at the invasion, not even as they make their way to the specialized divisions. He's walked these hallways before; he's walked every single one in the tower. It was the only way he could get himself to sleep during his first week here. Aside from a few trips to the emergency intake, he hasn't had to force himself back. 

He's definitely never bothered with meeting the specialists themselves. It took long enough to convince himself not to memorize the names of every staff member in the tower. He doesn't need to do that anymore. That's what his therapist and the Star Spangled Spandex keep insisting, anyways.

The door Steve goes for sticks out against the sleek hallway long before they reach it. It's painted, and not just a solid color; it's covered with a garden scene done by several different hands, going by the skill variation. Bucky runs his thumb over one of the hundreds of flowers as they walk past it to feel how thick the tiny acrylic mountains are. One of the petals cracks under the light pressure of the move, making him frown. The mural's not sealed at all, despite being long dried. Not the kind of thing maintenance usually overlooks.

An absolute shock of color hits Bucky's eyes when he gets his first look at the neurosurgeon's office. The walls he can spot from this side of the entryway are lined with tie-dye hanging cloths, and the floor is covered in fluffed-up, vibrant rugs. There's not a hint of SHIELD regulation left in the architecture, with all the walls that aren't glass holding even more heavy paint globs. Some of the murals are more flowers, but a majority of them are space themed. 

The stench of antiseptic fades the farther into the room Bucky goes. By the time the door shuts behind him, it's entirely replaced with the warm aroma of apples and cinnamon. A long, curved desk is off to one corner, pushed against the glass wall overlooking the city and covered in picture frames. An arrangement of chairs piled with pillows matching the rest of the decor sits in the center. Each one of them is fucking massive.

The room itself is separated in half by a thick glass wall. He can spot two doctors sitting behind an array of equipment on the other, equally decorated side behind the glass. There isn't any creative paint in there from what he can spot. If it weren't for that, he could almost forget that he's standing in a medical lab. 

Almost.

"Hi there," comes a voice to his right. 

The woman it belongs to almost blends in with the office once Bucky turns his head to look at her. The lab coat that comes down to her knees is a solid blue rather than tye-dye, but it's covered in stitched designs. Most of them are shaped like bees. Bucky barely stops his eyebrows from raising at the sight of the outfit underneath. Loose cloth pants hanging low on her hips, with even more bees on them, and a hand-knit top that would have been called obscene during most of the decades he woke up in. The bun she's pulled her hair into must have been done this morning; more than a few bundles are hanging down haphazardly. Bucky hasn't met a lot of brain surgeons that he knows of, but he doesn't remember any of them having glasses as thick as hers. He's pretty sure that good vision is something most of them need for the job. Not that he's nervous.

She walks over with a warm smile, already extending a hand to him. She's a short, round little thing. Barely five feet, if his guess is accurate. It always is. "I'm Dr. Ryder. You can call me Ava. I'm told you're my newest patient."

He accepts the shake with a nod and tries not to think about how sweaty his hand might feel to her. Wiping it against his pants would have been too weird. "James."

"But you prefer Bucky, right?"

"Yes, ma'am. Ava," he corrects himself quickly.

"Oooh, someone's stepped on some toes in the new century." Her smile takes on a teasing edge. "I'm originally from Canada; you won't find me taking offense. Ingrained cultural manners are a bitch to hold back."

"Careful, they're the only manners he's got," Steve warns, already heading for one of the chairs. 

"Ignore him. I'm house-trained," Bucky assures her. Taking his hand back, he hikes a thumb over his shoulder, needing something to stall with. "You sure you don't want someone to give your door a few clear coats? It'd be a shame to see all that work chip off."

Ava waves dismissively. "We redo it a lot; it's a relaxation project around here. It'll look different pretty soon." She points toward the glass wall separating the two halves of the office. "I've got the rest of the team working on a project to give us some space, but I can bring them in for a minute if you'd like to meet them?"

"I'm... I'm alright for now, thanks. I can meet them—whenever."

She doesn't insist further or comment on the blatant nerves in his voice. Her hand waves at the arranged chairs as she moves to sit in one. "Take your pick of the lineup, then. Typically I'd offer to take you to the corner of the roof that we've claimed for ourselves as an alternative. But, I need to keep you in environmental controls for sanitation, at least for the initial visit."

Bucky nods a few times as he sits in the one next to Steve's. His ass sinks nearly a foot into nothing but pillows, and his spine goes rigid. "Here's fine." 

He'd have said no anyways, not that he'll mention that. Too many open sight lines with his anxiety on edge. He'll be revisiting the roof before his next appointment to familiarize himself, though, that's for sure. His last trip up there was long before she was even hired. The mental image of bead strings and tye-dye throw blankets on patio furniture flits through his head. If she decorates the same way everywhere, he's guessing it won't be all that hard to find the space. 

Ava pulls up a tablet from the coffee table to rest in the middle of her folded legs. He's guessing she's into yoga in her spare time. One of her eyebrows arches at them in amusement. "You know, I've never actually seen someone fill one of these before now." 

"The benefits of dosed living," Steve quips, his tone a little too positive. It makes Bucky's foot start to bounce silently against the floor on instinct.

If she notices, the doctor doesn't mention it as she focuses on Bucky. "Steve tells me you prefer when doctors keep things direct with you."

Bucky shifts his eyes over to the man in question, who busies himself with one of the pillows, picking at the hanging fringe. Fucker's going to be hearing about this later, that's for damn sure. 

He looks back at Ava. Time to get it over with, he encourages himself. "Yeah, if you don't mind."

"Not at all. I know Steve's already told you, but I want you to hear it from my mouth. I have The Soldier's activation memorized."

He can't stop the gut instinct to swallow over hearing the words, but he nods. "I'm okay with it."

"It's not in any of my notes; it never will be. My team understands that there is a specific trigger in place; they need to in order to do their job. But they have no indication of what it is. I'll never write the words out or speak them where they can be picked up. Steve helped me with the pronunciation and the order when he first gave me your records, but you have my word that I won't be repeating them."

"You should," Bucky insists immediately. "If anything happens, you should, and you shouldn't hesitate about it."

"She knows, Buck," Steve assures him with a murmur. "I took her through the worst case drill. She's got a panic button on her."

"Steve tells me that my reaction time is fast enough for working on your case safely." Ava's head tilts to the side slightly. "Your comfort is the priority here. We can always run through a silent drill together if you'd like the reassurance."

He thinks about it. Honest to god, he lets himself sit in the idea of putting Steve's training to the test for more than a few moments. Neither of them push him for an answer. "I might take you up on that at some point."

She nods, the hair hanging closest to her face bouncing slightly. "Whenever you want. That offer is permanent. I'm taking this case on because I want to help undo what's been done; I'm not here to let it be continued, not even in research." Her eyes shift to Steve, with a bitter defiance building in them. "I trust that'll be clarified to the director if our work here ever reaches his ears, captain."

Steve nods, finally looking up from where he's moved on to picking at the pillow's stitches. "There's no more mud in that water. Fury understands how far over the line we went."

Ava doesn't look convinced in the least. Bucky doesn't blame her, not with the scattered memories of his role in all of it sitting in his head. When she looks back at him, the distrust leaves her eyes. "I'd like to get a better idea of what we'll be working with. I know that's probably going to be one of the most difficult parts of this, so we can try to get through it now if you'd like. Or we can wait until you're feeling more comfortable. It's entirely up to you."

Shifting slightly to straighten out his shoulders, Bucky nods. "I'm ready now."

It's an outright lie, but that doesn't really matter anymore. There's never going to be a time when he is ready. He still needs to do this.

"I'm going to need to adjust your head a few times today," she tells him with a relaxed, melodic tone as she stands up. She lifts a black briefcase from the coffee table and brings it over to rest on the arm of his chair, where he can easily see it being handled. "Is there anywhere you'd prefer me putting my hands? Or anywhere specific you want me to avoid?"

Bucky sees Steve shift his head slightly in his peripheral and wants to roll his eyes. Asshole. He'd have made a joke at the most; he wouldn't have been insulted. Probably. "I can't think of anywhere to steer you away from. You're good to do whatever you need to do."

She doesn't take him into the other section of the room like he thought she would. She doesn't even make him stand back up. All it takes to get the nightmare he's been dreading for years started is Ava pulling a wired, plastic wreath from the briefcase to put over the top of his head. She doesn't push a cold faceplate over his eye and against his temples; no bite guard gets shoved in his mouth. There's no frigid metal probing into the top of his neck to make his teeth buzz until he wants to rip them out of his jaw. The air around him isn't humid and suffocating like it was in that bunker. He can't hear the hum of electric coils or the squeak of leather boots on linoleum. 

He's not in Siberia. He's in New York. This isn't a HYDRA agent strapping him down. This is a hippie, who definitely smoked pot this morning, putting a sensor on his head that barely has any weight. 

"Here, hold this for me," she tells him from behind his chair, offering her tablet over his shoulder. He takes it silently, bringing it to rest in both hands. A digital scan of his brain is already being mapped out on the screen. It's the first time he's seen the anchor that wraps around his brainstem since the X-rays HYDRA used to leave up like trophies. "We can get a look at this thing together."

Bucky takes a deep breath in. It's… not a pretty sight. Whatever they put in him isn't registering in the bright blue lights of the rest of his brain. They're all dark spots, primarily lines branching out from the anchor that might as well be a black hole. 

"You see that?" Ava leans forward to run her nail up the path of one of the lines. It starts at the anchor, and it's attached to another point further up, but that junction is the source of even more lines that go all over. There's a fucking mechanical spider web in his brain. "That's your motor cortex, and those links are tethered to your arm, starting there. That—the one right there—is what's making your cybernetics work."

"What's the rest of it?" There's a fucking lot of it, whatever it is. A lot more than he remembers being put in. 

"Considering the intent of the Nazis that had you, the end goal was probably total control." Her finger moves, tapping several things that look way too fucking important as she keeps talking. "All of those there are connected to your essential functions: breathing, heart rate, consciousness. From there, they branched out into trying for control over your limbs. Jesus." She leans further over his shoulder and pinches at the screen to zoom in. "It looks like they were already building into your entire cognitive process."

"What does that mean?" Steve asks, worry rising in his tone. 

"It means they were reckless on top of being cruel. And fucking stupid—pardon my French."

"You're talking to soldiers, doc," Bucky reminds her quietly, his brows drawn in as his eyes trace the black spots in his grey matter. 

"Right. In that case, fuck every last one of them and the horses they rode... into whichever circle of hell they're burning in, I guess." Bucky's lips twitch slightly as she zooms back out. "They were venturing into parts of the brain that haven't been studied enough for human testing, even by today's standards. Blindly poking just to see what worked; my guess is because they knew that you could survive it. You see that big scary thing under your hippocampus?"

Bucky nods as she taps at the anchor. "Yeah. Yeah, that was… that was the first part. That got put in, I mean." He clears his throat when it starts to scratch. "I'm. I'm pretty sure it was the first part." 

"Do you want to know why you don't feel sure?" she asks gently. Her voice has dropped to something much softer. It makes him sit back in the overly comfortable chair incrementally. 

"Yeah," he tells her quietly, honestly. He wouldn't have a year ago. 

Ava circles her finger around the center of his brain, where one of the more prominent lines from the anchor holds several thinner, black branches. "That's your limbic system. It controls emotion, memory, behavioral habits, that kind of thing. They fried it at some point trying to get to your memories, I assume. My team has the photograph from your HYDRA file, the one with the X-ray from your initial brain surgery. I've studied it with my own eyes. That serum in your bloodstream is the only thing that brought you back from being a vegetable. The salvaged notes from the initial facility they kept you in mention months of unresponsiveness and varying levels of brain activity. 

"There's a reason you can't remember who you were then, Bucky. They wiped you clean because they knew you, out of all their test subjects, could recover from it. There wasn't enough left of your mind to hold memories, much less any kind of higher will." He hears her clothes shuffle behind him and sees Steve turn his head to look back at her from the corner of his eye. "I'm more than willing to testify to that in any court on Earth, captain. So we're clear."

"Understood," Steve replies, his voice thick. "I appreciate that."

Fuck, so does Bucky. Too bad he can't get his throat to open back up at the moment. 

"Now, let's talk about the hard part." He hears Ava sigh. "From what I can see, there's no way we can remove any of this. Not by any standard that I'm willing to entertain, at least."

Bucky shakes his head and tries clearing his throat again. It doesn't feel anywhere near as successful this time around. "That's fine. I don't—I don't think I'd… I wouldn't be ready for that. I just want to know it's not…."

"Capable of being controlled remotely?" she offers when he trails off. 

"Yeah. Aside from the code. I don't—that's not a problem. They're dead. Anyone else that had it, I mean." Christ, his foot's going to bounce straight out of his boot, right through the leather. 

"I can't make any kind of assurances at this stage when it comes to that. But you have my word that it will be my team's primary focus." Her hand pulls back, and he feels four of her fingertips lightly rest on his shoulder. "I'd prefer to check that connection point they left over your spinal cord before you leave today, but the rest of what we need for diagnostics can wait until another time."

Bucky pulls in a heavy breath through his nose. "Yeah. I'm ready to do that."

"I need to get a few things for it and check in with my team." She taps at the side of the wreath lightly. "You don't have to keep looking at the scan, but you should leave this on while I'm gone so we can get some basic readings."

"You're the boss, doc." He tries not to make it look like he's in a hurry to get the thing out of his hand when he dumps the tablet on his leg. 

"I'll be back in just a bit," she tells them, calmly shuffling off into the other half of the office. The glass door hisses loudly as she goes through it, confirming it's a sterile lab. The wall frosts over shortly after with the privacy screen activating.

Neither of them says a word for the first few minutes.

"Well," Steve finally offers up, his voice still as thick as when he thanked the doctor. "There's the confirmation you've been waiting for."

"That's not what that was—"

"Alright, you know what? Fuck you very much, Buck—"

"Fuck me? Fuck me? Yeah, I guess that's how it works now, what with you making alll the fucking calls—"

Steve's finger comes sailing into his face. "This affects more than just—" He stops with a short, muted groan and yanks his hand back to shove through his hair. After a moment, he lets it fall to his thigh in a clenched fist. "You want to sit here blaming yourself for it all, fine. I've got no right to tell you to stop when I'm still doing the exact same thing. But I'm pulling you through this whether," his voice goes high and mocking as he turns to glare a hole into the side of Bucky's head, "yooou like it or not. I let you fall once; I'm not fucking doing it again, asshole."

Bucky stares down a lava lamp sitting on the coffee table for a long, silent moment, his face pinched. He counts the number of wiggling blobs floating from the top to the bottom. He takes in their shared color and picks as close to a stupid paint name for it as possible. One by one, his photographic memory goes down the list of stupid colors from that stupid swatch wall at the stupid art supply store that Steve takes him to when he can't sleep at three in fucking the morning. He decides on fuchsia because it sounds extra stupid. There're twelve in total, they're fuchsia, and his best friend is as stupid as the name of their color.

The anger eventually eases up. "You're the asshole."

Steve sits back in his chair with a sigh. "Love you, too."

It takes a long minute of grinding his teeth for Bucky to force out the question that won't stop echoing in his head. "She doesn't know about the others?"

"She knows there were other attempts, but no, I didn't tell her any of them were successful. I left my notes in her file on what's been held back from her, along with the things she knows that her team doesn't. You can tell her whatever you want; that's up to you. I really think you should read through all of their files."

"Yeah?" Bucky snaps mockingly. "I really think you should kiss my ass."

Steve reaches out to grab one of the magazines from a stack on the coffee table. His posture is resigned and absolutely screaming I know better than you right now, idiot. "You should grow the fuck up."

—

There's no way the notes from HYDRA cover all his surgeries, not with this much framework built up inside his brain.

Steve warned her to expect something like this. The bastards passed Bucky around like a science experiment over the decades. Whenever a station was compromised, all of its records were destroyed to safeguard HYDRA's critical secrets, the work and confirmed existence of the Winter Soldier being one of them. Only a handful were raided by SHEILD efficiently enough to prevent further loss of his medical history. What remains is the scattered works of solitary minds spanned across decades. 

In Ava's opinion, not one of those minds should have been granted the mercy of seeing daylight again after their senseless, abhorrent, despicable crimes against the sergeant. Never in her life has she been a violent woman, but given a blunt object and five minutes with the lot of them, she'd have been very tempted to rebalance nature with ruthless gusto. 

A hand nudges at her arm, pulling her from her distraction with a quick inhale. "Sorry, repeat that?"

Wyatt's eyebrows pull in sympathetically. "Y'can hand this part off to one of us, boss."

"You can hand it off to him," Hannah interrupts briskly, her eyes never moving from where they're pressed against a microscope. 

"Y'can hand it off to me," Wyatt rapidly corrects with a warm smile. He drums his stylus against his arm and leans against the lab's center console. The movable hologram program Tony gifted them is already building detail into one of the darkest acts in human history. Right there, in front of one of the most gentle souls Ava's ever met. The contrast makes her stomach drop. "I mean it; y'know me, I got a real sweet touch. Betch'a the sergeant wouldn't even know I'd been there til it was over."

"Don't make me say it, Combs." Hannah almost sounds bored. The former marine is in a good mood today.

Wyatt doesn't even bother with throwing a quip back at her. He's usually wise enough to know when he's in a losing battle. Reaching out, he gives Ava's shoulder a supportive bump. "You said so yourself; he's alright with meetin' us."

Ava shakes her head, bringing her hand up to rub at the bridge of her nose. Her eyes are stinging hard enough to make them water. She shouldn't have pulled an all-nighter before this; it definitely isn't helping her frustration. "He's okay with it; that doesn't mean he's ready for it. You should see the way he's practically vibrating in that chair. There's not one part of this he isn't forcing himself through. I want to try to limit contact until he feels like he's in control of the space around him."

"That won't take long," Hannah comments quietly, reaching for another slide. "There are certain habits infiltrators don't lose."

"Speakin' from your own experience on that one?" Wyatt asks, curiosity creeping into his tone. Their eternal beacon of southern sunshine has yet to give up chasing details about her, unlike everyone else who visits their little medical corner. 

"Infiltrator is not the classification I would have given myself. I was never very subtle in my old line of work."

"Yeah, 'cause subtle's definitely the word I'd pick for your blunt ass now." Wyatt rolls his eyes and extends his hand to rapidly spin the projection of Bucky's brain with the flick of a stubby finger. "Either'a you looked at these trenches much yet? There's different cablin' in every major section. None of it's got a set standard, far as I can tell."

"I don't think he ever had the same doctor for more than two surgeries." Ava leans heavily against the console with a sigh, trying not to let herself venture into the mindset of a terrified soldier. She has to stay detached, or this will eat her alive before they're even halfway done. The enlarged hologram already hurts to look at in more ways than one. "Steve confirmed that HYDRA intermittently lost sections of his records through the years. All of this could be fractured by the decades; we won't know until Paige starts getting a read on the programming behind that main port."

"How do you want us to handle data transfer?" Hannah asks.

"Let's keep this off our internal server as much as we can help it. Tony sectioned off a virtual instance that we can burn when needed, but the only time you should be using that is for his scans. Put everything else on an isolated hard copy here in the lab, wherever you can do it without hindering the work. I want the equipment analysis kept as off-record as possible. I don't want this being recreated. By anyone."

"Definitely agreein' with you on that one, boss." Wyatt pokes his finger into the projection's left frontal lobe, halting its slowing spin. "I know we said extraction ain't the goal here, but I'm gonna be runnin' some sims on that when I've got the time. I don't like the idea of leavin' any'a this shit in, even if we do get it identified and nuked."

Ava nods and reaches up to give his shoulder a warm squeeze. "Let me know what initial paths you route; we can build from there. I doubt he'll be ready for any extensive work for years to come, but the least we can do is present him with some options." She takes a deep breath through her nose as she looks over the port connection on the hologram. "Alright, I'll be back after I finish his consultation."

"Good luck, boss," Wyatt encourages with a smile. "Tell the sergeant we said hi."

She waves her hand over her shoulder with a hum and braces herself to face her latest patient again. 

The sergeant himself is sitting just as stiffly as he was when she left, but the captain has moved on to relaxing with a magazine in his hands. They both look up at the sound of the door opening, with a laid-back smile on Steve's face and a forced one on Bucky's. She almost wants to tell him that he doesn't have to make an attempt. 

"Sorry for the wait; needed a quick check-in with the brain trust." And to not want to throw something heavy through Tony's fancy glass walls. "They wanted me to pass along their hello's. Dr. Combs, in particular, is very excited to meet you."

Bucky huffs a silent laugh through his nose as she returns to stand at the side of his chair. She doesn't try to move behind him for the moment. "Yeah, I'm sure I'm real—"

"Buck," Steve cuts in softly with a side eye in his best friend's direction.

"Fascinating?" Bucky's eyes lift to Ava's at her teasing guess, and his responding nod is sheepish. She smiles at the attempted manners. "Your case is as interesting as it is horrific, that's for sure. Lucky for you, we're a morbid bunch, so you can go for the gallows humor whenever you want." She taps at Bucky's arm with the pad of her index finger, trying to warm him up to repeat physical contact. "However, I'm pretty sure Wyatt is looking forward to asking for your autograph above everything."

The sergeant's eyebrows rocket toward his hairline. "What's he looking for? Love, The Winter Soldier?"

"Bucky." Steve doesn't even look over this time; he just drops one side of the magazine to pinch the bridge of his nose. 

The sight of an exasperated Captain America sitting in her office makes Ava snort loudly. She doesn't miss the way it makes Bucky's lips raise at the corners. "He comes from a long line of history buffs who believe accurate preservation is the best tool to prevent it from repeating. The guy grew up with battle models and field testimonials from every major war. I'm guessing he had some Howling Commando envy as a kid, though he won't own up to that on his end."

"He knows I was one of them for all of five minutes, right?"

"None of us were Howlies for long," Steve forcefully insists, one foot coming over to kick Buckys. "But that doesn't change the good we did while we were."

"It also won't stop him from chewing your ear off about it if you let him." Ava crosses her arms over her chest in amusement. "My advice is to stop him early. Definitely before he starts asking what you remember about the maps. You've got a real Milo Thatch working on your brain now." Bucky looks up at her in confusion. "Haven't gotten around to Disney movies yet? Milo's a character from Atlantis, one of my personal favorites. He and Wyatt share a certain level of academic excitement."

"I'll add it to the watch list." A small smile comes up, making her wonder what his cheeks look like when he really lets it go. "And keep the point of no return in mind."

She stops herself from gushing about the beauty of the art behind the movie, wanting to honor his headfirst approach. "You ready to get the last part of today's visit over with?"

His shoulders rise with another resigned intake, making her want to be ferociously violent toward the closest available Nazi. "I'm ready when you are, doc."

"My go-to hardware specialist built a prototype connector based on the scans Tony got during your initial intake. It's only the first iteration for the sake of data extraction, so be sure to speak up if anything feels off. Anything at all, even if it's just minor discomfort. She can work on changing it for the next build. I'm sure Steve can attest to Paige's efficiency at her job by now."

The slightest hint of a blush comes over the captain's cheeks at the teasing mention of his numerous visits to the engineering department. "Ms. Findley—"

"Does she ask you to call her that?" Bucky jumps on his best friend with immediately. Ava would feel bad about chumming the waters, but the banter is making him relax against the chair. 

Steve shuts his mouth momentarily. The blush gets a shade darker before he opens it again. "Paige is a very dedicated worker. And a lovely conversationalist. How do you two know each other? Through Tony?"

Now Ava really does feel bad. She puts a hand on her hip and tries to keep her smile from growing. "No, I'm the one who introduced them. She's been my best friend for about fifteen years now."

Steve freezes, and Bucky's grin takes over the lower half of his face. The sergeant sits all the way back, with shoulders that are perfectly at ease. "Oh, good. If I think of anything later, I can just have Stevie drop it off for me. I'd hate to forget between appointments."

Ava pulls the wireless reader and its port connector from the briefcase on Bucky's chair. She steps up behind him and tries not to let her eyes linger on how his smile lights up his face or how it warms her chest to see. Her free hand comes to rest on his left shoulder, leaving the exit door in his right peripherals. "This shouldn't take more than a few minutes at most. Ready?"

"Hit me." It almost doesn't sound forced. 

She lifts his hair and runs her thumb over the port once to brace him for the new sensations before lining up the connector. As she'd explicitly requested of Paige, the mechanism doesn't snap into place when she locks it in, meaning there's no responding vibration to move through his skull. The notes from Bucky's therapist that were passed along didn't mention it, but they hardly mention anything at all. There's a lot he's holding back, there has to be, and she's been trying to preempt as much of it as she can. 

Bucky's nails dig into the arm of the chair, and he inhales sharply. After a moment, his fingers start to relax one by one. Ava watches them all, her eyes moving between his hands and neck repeatedly, while the reader begins its data harvest. She gives him long enough to get a few steady breaths in. 

"Have you started any animated movie binges?" she prods, wanting to stall for time to get a closer look at his implant. With him letting her hold up his hair like this, it might be her only chance for the foreseeable future. 

"Sam's gotten me to sit through a few of his picks," he replies tensely. 

"Mmm. I'm guessing Mister Feathers is a Pixar fan." 

"I know that's an animation studio, but that's the extent of my expertise on the subject. Are they the ones who made Lilo and Stitch?"

"He did not make you watch that one first."

"He did, but that's technically not my first animated movie. We had them back in the 30s, you know."

"Some of us still call it animation's golden age," Steve mutters in the most crotchety old artist fashion, his eyes back on the magazine in his lap.

"Take a look around this room, Rogers," Ava sasses. "Do I look like someone who'd argue with you about its significance?"

"Point taken." 

Her eyebrows pull in while she looks over just how much of Bucky's spinal cord is exposed to outside influence. She knows how far the port runs thanks to the scans, but now she's getting an eyeful of movable hatching and flesh that will never get the proper chance to heal. 

"How are you handling the daily care of this?" she asks, running her finger around one edge of the port.

"I do it," Bucky tells her simply.

Her eyes lock on the back of his head in disbelief. "You do… what, exactly?"

"I've got a morning routine for it. Clear the excess buildup, sterilize the whole area, work the skin, that kind of thing."

"You understand that this has direct access to your brainstem, right?"

"I know." He shifts his weight in the chair. "I'm careful."

"I have several medical degrees, one of which is entirely focused on the human brain, and even I would hesitate to approach this on my own body. If anything that can give you so much as a hundred-degree fever touches this, you're dead, Bucky." She lets the hand not holding up his hair come to rest on his shoulder. "I'm not trying to scare you with this, but as your doctor, I need to make sure you understand the severity here. I don't want you doing this yourself anymore; I want you to come to my office for it."

"That's not necessary—"

"What time do you want him here in the mornings?" Steve asks, ignoring Bucky entirely. 

"I don't need to come here in the mornings—"

"It doesn't have to be every morning," Ava offers, wanting to give him a compromise. She's definitely not letting him go back to doing it himself. "I can set up a stable cleaning routine every other day whenever you have the time to come in."

"I have it handled, really—"

"I wouldn't push it past three days, though."

"Every other morning," Steve agrees. "That's perfect. JARVIS can keep an eye on the schedules for him."

"I've got working fucking eyeballs," Bucky almost shouts, making Ava and Steve finally let up. 

She squeezes her hand on his shoulder, half in apology, half in sympathy. "Yes, you do. But they happen to be in the front of your head. My eyes can see the back of your neck without a mirror, and they've got a decade's worth of disgustingly thorough medical training behind them. You came here because you're ready for this to get done. Now you actually have to let me do it."

Bucky lifts a hand as if he's about to argue but then lowers it with a soft sigh. "Yeah... yeah, alright. But I'm not always going to be here in the mornings—"

"She said it doesn't have to be the mornings," Steve cuts in again.

"You know what I mean, jackass. I'm not always going to be here consistently. I have, you know, a job that you try to boss me around on—"

"We can make sure you've got a trained medic to help—"

"No, Grant."

The words are said softly, and it takes a moment for Ava to even remember that it's the captain's middle name, but something happens in the wake of them. Steve's relentless push stops on a dime, and the fight leaves Bucky's shoulders. The two of them relax marginally, and Steve nods once. "Okay. So, we establish the routine here. Get it ironed out; get you practiced with it. Then I'll clear you for doing it yourself on missions. But if you miss even one while you're here, so help me—"

"I got it, I got it."

Steve watches Bucky with a tightly held expression for another long moment. Then he looks up at Ava with a nod. "He'll be here, and I'll make sure he's not cleared for another mission until you two have a stable routine for taking care of this."

Ava gives Bucky's shoulder another light squeeze. "I promise it'll be quick every time. I'll work with Paige on making you a field kit. In the long run, this shouldn't interrupt your normal day-to-day much at all."

"Appreciate the effort, doc." Bucky gives a soft grunt. "Sorry for the. Y'know. Pushback."

"I think the world owes you a little more than patience as backpay, Sergeant. I'm happy to help where I can."

—

Febuary 19th 2018

"I can handle it if you want me to."

"No. No, I... I can do it."

"You're sure?"

"You think I can't?"

"I think you look like you're about to throw up on my shoes."

"I don't like the idea of... starting off like that."

"That's why I'm offering to do it."

"No. It should be me. There are things you won't be able to explain."

"You can always fill in the blanks when she shows up for Soldat training."

"What a great alternative first impression! Hello, ma'am, not only am I a complete jackass, but I also delegate my role as—"

"You're not delegating; you're assigning the right person to the job. And this takes away the need for you to be a jackass."

"Leaving you to be a confrontational bitch in someone's eyes?"

"What's the issue there?"

"That's not what you are, Nat."

"Says who?"

Steve reaches out to smack the side of her arm. "That's one of my closest friends you're ragging on."

"She can take it." Natasha looks over at him, a bored hike to one brow. "Let's stay focused on what the doctor can take. This won't be like the therapists. We can't put him through multiple doctors on this. We'll only get one or two tries before he draws the hard limit."

He nods, turning his eyes back to the closed elevator doors. "Right. Right, it's for a good reason. I can do it."

"You don't have to. I can handle it."

"I know. But it should be me." He knocks the side of his boot against hers. "Thank you."

"Always. Let me know how it goes."

Natasha's off the elevator before the doors are even finished opening, leaving Steve to collect himself alone. He pushes off the back railing with a heavy sigh. No part of this is going to be easy to stomach. He's accepted that. He exits the elevator with a resigned set to his shoulders.

The medical wing is dark this late into the day. JARVIS already confirmed that the doctor is still in the building. From the AI's reports, she pulls late nights like this regularly. It bodes well for what he'll have to ask of her and her team.

He stops to admire the heavy paint on the outside of the lab's door. There's days worth of work here, clearly a labor of love. It takes until he's admiring the fourth flower of his perusal to notice that it's not all the same artist. He scans it a bit quicker after that, trying to take a guess as to how many different hands took part. His best guess is four.

Accepting that he's been inadvertently stalling, Steve pushes it open roughly. He probably should have expected the onslaught of color in the room from seeing the door. It still hits him hard enough to make him do a double-take through his exaggerated annoyance. The doctor sitting on the other side of a very large desk nearly jumps out of her chair.

"Christ Al-fucking-mighty," she swears, one hand coming up to brace against her chest. Steve gets nailed with a furious glare. "Knock much?"

Well, that's one test passed. "Are you Dr. Ryder?"

"I am. Who the hell wants to—oh." Recognition dawns on her face as Steve gets close enough to be illuminated by her desk light. The fury in her shifts toward indignance. "I happen to hold a lot of respect for you, at least during normal business hours. So, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here and let you have a moment to explain yourself, captain."

He almost starts with an apology, but he catches himself in time. "I've been told you're one of the best neurosurgeons we're in contact with—"

"No, you've been told I am the best." She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back in her chair. Her head inclines toward him. "You can continue."

Steve's reservations about her being able to handle Bucky are leaving rapidly. It almost makes him smile. He holds it together with his best captain voice. "I need your expertise on a consultation. A private consultation. Completely off SHEILD books."

"Am I being roped into the organization's second overhaul?" There's bitterness lingering in her tone. The kind Steve remembers feeling on his own end for months leading up to Fury's near-assassination.

"No. When I say private, I mean private. This isn't under SHIELD purview. I'll be expecting discretion if you think you're up to the case, so we're clear."

The doctor's eyebrows sail up, and her head moves back far enough to hit her chair. "I'll be expecting you to hand over some details before I agree to a damn thing. As a follow-up, you can provide me with an explanation as to why this needed to be done an hour before midnight, with no forewarning and definitely no respect. Otherwise, you can turn your happy ass back around and go find the other neurosurgeons you didn't feel like harassing first."

Damn. He really should have gotten Natasha to do this; she's faster with proper comebacks. "You'll be given information as you need to know it. First, I need to make sure that—"

"First, you can fuck off." Her head shifts to one side as he pauses. "I don't respond well to authority, captain. I'm sure whatever's going on is very important if it's got America's Sweetheart making an ass of himself in the middle of my office on a Monday night. But that's not really my problem. It could be, were I given a reason to care about it."

"Does rectifying war crimes warrant your valuable attention, doctor?" The words feel awful leaving his mouth; she doesn't deserve to get barked at like this. But he needs an honest indication of how she'll react to a bad day.

Ava watches him with a slightly open mouth for more than a few tense moments. Then recognition dawns for a second time, and her eyes roll dramatically. "Oh, for god's sweet sake. You could have just asked if I have experience with PTSD patients. Hell, you were clearly sent by Tony, and I met the man at a veteran's benefit, so you could have asked him. Barnes' presence on the Avenger's roster isn't exactly a secret these days."

Steve holds himself still, then shifts his weight to one foot. "You met at a veteran's benefit?"

She nods slowly, with a bit of mockery behind the motion. "Yes. Almost a decade ago. He funds most of my work with the VA."

That hadn't been included in her resume. He didn't want to invade her privacy by pulling her file until she agreed to it. Steve feels heat rise to his cheeks. Then the anger starts to surface. "You know, I'm not one hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that."

"You think?" The words are bone dry, and her posture is still defensive, but there's a smile working its way up from the corners of her lips.

"Look, I...." Steve raises a hand to the back of his neck sheepishly. "I apologize. I promise it's not about doubting your professionalism—"

"It's about protecting family, yeah, I get it." Her arms don't unfold from her chest. But her eyebrows do come back down.

"He's very important to me. I want to make sure he's in good hands, that's all."

"Well?"

Steve's brows draw in. "I wasn't trying to dump the case on you right now—"

"No, idiot." Her eyes roll again, with much less aggression. "I'm asking if I passed."

"Oh." He nods, his cheeks still feeling far too hot. "With flying colors, so far. There's still a lot more to cover before we get Bucky involved, but. Yes, ma'am. I think you'll handle him just fine."

With a sigh, her arms finally lower. She extends a hand out in his direction. "Ava Ryder. It's very nice to meet you, Captain Rogers."

He takes her hand with a firm shake, inclining his head apologetically. "It's very nice to meet you, as well, doctor. You can call me Steve."

"You can call me Ava. So can James whenever I'm finally graced with his presence."

Yeah. She'll do just fine. "He prefers Bucky. And I'm sure he'll provide you with a much more agreeable first impression. All that can wait until you don't look like you're going to fall asleep on your keyboard, though.

Ava smiles warmly at him, falling back against her chair as she takes back her hand. "I'm looking forward to it. You can send me the details on the case at a reasonable hour to make up for scaring the shit out of me."

"Yes, ma'am." He tips his head respectfully, already backing up from her desk. "Sorry for the scare. And for being so disrespectful. He really is—"

"Important to you." She waves her hand dismissively before reaching up to push at her glasses. "I get it, don't worry. I'd be twice as much of a wreck in your shoes. You're doing fine."

Sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, there are benefits to having the worst moments of his life in the history books. "I appreciate that, thank you. You have a good rest of your night, ma'am. I'll send—I'll have JARVIS send you his file—"

"Captain Rogers is unaware of how to forward SHEILD files, doctor," the AI cuts in gleefully.

"I had my suspicions, JARVIS; thanks." She waves her hand again, this time in goodbye, as she looks back at her computer screen. "Please don't trip on my carpet and bust your ass on the way out of my office."

Steve pointedly turns on his heel, glad for the excuse to hide his burning face. He all but races to the door. "I'll be in contact, doc."

"Mhmm."

When he pulls open the painted door, he's almost unsurprised to find Natasha leaning against the other side of the hallway. She doesn't move at all, but one side of her mouth lifts in a smirk.

Steve lets the door shut softly behind him before cocking his head to the side. "Very cute. You two in on it together?"

"No, but sniffing out Tony's bait didn't take long. You'd have noticed, too, if you weren't so far up Bucky's ass." Her head tilts in the opposite direction as his. "Feel better?"

He straightens up with a nod. The motion feels confident. "Much."

—author's end notes, yoinked straight from ao3—

“what’s paige like?” well. to put it simply. she is every last ounce of karma that steve has earned by lovingly terrorizing his best friend 😌

i feel like the overall theme got covered enough with this to tell if the plot is for you or not. flirting starts next, but isn't super blatant until chap 4. i am in zero rush and will have no problem with dedicating an entire chap to cuddling tbh, this is a comfort project im in for the long haul. check back later for * to get full smut taste, current (possibly changing) map has it in chap 9. OR you can check back for kinktober, i have all 31 days outlined for these idiots. i need starfield to be good so i can do smut for that too, bethesda pls

keep in mind this will get sci-fi weird at times, and loosely ref/revolve around greek myth tropes bc iiiii like ‘em ❤️ im a fandom ancient who takes no issue with cleaning out the dickhead comments 😌 also i might edit shit. im still not clear on what ao3 will email about a bookmark (god willing its not edits that dont include a new chapter) but just in case i figured id warn for anyone who doesn't want email spam

im gonna try to keep ava and paige as vague as possible, aside from a few scattered physical details so i have SOMETHING to write. my favorite bucky fic in existence is a reader!fic (safe with me is Ungodly levels of good, and i dont just say that as a fellow west wing addict. i constantly forget that his apartment in it isn't actually canon and there're no m&ms hiding for eternity somewhere) so you wont get any judgment from me on replacing both of them right down to their names, that’s how im writing them!! it just feels unfair to tag it a reader fic with them being given SUCH a heavy “presence" i guess

main pov's (the undated ones) will always flip between bucky and ava. the dated ones are other characters pov's OOOOOOR its a flashback in which case it could be the two of them, but ill always try to make it clear whose headspace is focused up front, so i dont think ive set up a hurdle there

thanks for reading ❤️ i love and appreciate feedback immensely ❤️ feeds the brain chemicals 😌 no worries abt spoilers, i feel like anyone looking there knows what theyre risking lmao

[exols-silver-christmas]

Well. The bit about answering tags is something I get, like a lot of times imo tags or comments especially like the example you used they don't leave room for expansion. There really nowhere else to go without, like you said, fishing for further compliments. But this example you've provided is just another symptom of people not really conversing with each other.

And like...yeah our exo fanbase is aging and adulting is brutal and draining and horrible, and starting and maintaining new conversations is frankly daunting, and no one is ever gonna have the time to keep up with every single other person in our fandom on a personal level. This makes it super easy to leave comments like the example or to even just.....consume with out reblogging; which is a reason I've seen given as to why reblog culture is down. People are tired and they don't want to waste more energy. Including myself. I work...so much. Anywhere from 45 to 60 hour weeks depending on the season and it was and still is super easy to fall into the post and ghost habit. The culture on here....was and is severely disheartening as a fan creator. But something I try to remind myself of....is...if we don't change there's not gonna be anything to enjoy anymore.

Like you said, no one wants to invest hours of work into something for it to be basically ignored. And people aren't. With everyone moving on from the website or to other more interactive fandoms....eventually there will be no one. And thats a potential problem.

Not just because we won't have fandom content to enjoy in between source content. But because clearly, the companies? They're paying attention. Not just sm either and I doubt hybe is the only other one keeping an eye on both exos activities and the fandom. The Tumblr portion of exol is most likely part of thier analytics whether we like it or not. If Junmyeon is aware of the website there's no reason to assume it's an isolated knowledge. Granted, we probably aren't a large portion of those numbers when platforms like Instagram and Twitter are more globally oriented, but it's something to consider when we have a hard enough time getting sm to let exo out of thier basement to make an album.

Anyway this is starting to delve into extreme tangential territory. So let me move on.

I see your point about transitional blogs...a lot of time the dash is where people get thier content rather than trolling the tags, especially since the nude bots are prolific right now. However I'm personally leery of relying solely on networks for this purpose. Networks in my experience either start out exclusionary or become exclusionary. Whether that is in terms of content shared, or making people jump through figurative hoops in order to join limited membership spots, it may start off with good intentions but....I'm not sure it's a long term solution if that makes sense. Although I acknowledge, personal feelings aside, it may be a good jumping off place to start getting people more involved.

Maybe even just a...directory of sorts would be helpful do you think? A list of active blogs, whether fandom creators or just people who reblog things. Maybe include what they post or make? That could work to help people find mutuals at least. And it would help alleviate reliance on nothing but networks for post distribution.

One of my main concerns with having singular bias or constellations of members networks is it feels like it would deepen the bias divides even further. Already we have many creator blogs that only create for one or maybe even two of the exos at most.

Though, I have to say I like the second example you gave a lot more, simply cause at its heart....that's just good reblog culture at work.

Now as for the link...I checked it out and it's similar in nature to the fic bingo idea I borrowed from the Harry potter fandom. A set prompt with required elements but the rest open to interpretation. I could easily set something up like this....maybe for a monthly basis versus weekly simply because good fan content does take time. And maybe have a weekly theme for smaller scale works?

If anyone else has thoughts feel free to chime in or send it to someone you think might have something to say, this is open to the floor for ideas and what have you.

So I can't be the only one who's noticed the decline in fanmade exo content here on Tumblr. We've gone from a fandom who's new posts could be measured in hours to a fandom who's posts have days....to weeks....to months....to even years for some specific tags.

We have had 6 solo album comebacks this year, 3 fancon tours, 2 solo concert tours, a myriad of festival concert appearances, youtube videos, magazine shoots, instalives, etc. Yet if you go to the exo tag it's mainly populated by archive blogs. And the nude bots, which....that's a whole other problem on its own. I digress. My point being, the tags, at least from what I've seen (I admit I haven't looked into the shipping tags) are being filled by the same handful of blogs yet given the high amount of source material, no one seems to be doing anything with it beyond archiving it.

Again this could just be because I didn't delve too deep or too far back, but it does have me wondering if part of the reason participation this year was down was simply because there's hardly anyone left.

There's been instances in the past where others have attempted to inject new life into the fandom so to speak, with....varying...level of success. The exo revival project being the first and most successful that comes to mind. I'm wondering what everyone else's thoughts are on the matter and if holding new fandom events might be a way to involve more people year round because I really do want to continue holding this event next year but if things keep going the way they have been there won't be anyone signing up.

Let me know what you think, ideas you might have, reblog this and tag your mutuals to get them involved in the discussion. I have a few ideas that I've pilfered from other fandoms, watch alongs. Fic bingo. Theres valentines exchanges. Fandom sleepovers. Heck I'd set up a Tumblr based scavenger hunt if I thought people would play. Like....we dont have to be monoliths in a placid sea of we don't want to. Fandom can be fun. It should be fun.

[askmommylonglegs]

Helloo..

This is the post everyone's probably wondering about. I know it's a little long, but you guys deserve the context. Please read it all the way through. I'm also not looking to start beef, so with this explanation, if you know some of the people I'm talking about, I ask you not to contact them about this. It's not worth the fight. I'm just tired. I will not be continuing this blog. I know I don't have very many posts here, and I'm sorry to those of you who I upset with this post... but trust me, there's a reason I'm making it. So, I started this blog as a fun side-project, hoping to have fun with it. I eventually got overwhelmed with quite a few things, one of which being my new job and another of which being my schoolwork. I lost all motivation to draw this blog, and I started focusing more on wanting to further my career. So, this became kind of... not fun very quick. I also was offered money to sell the specific dubbing rights to this blog to someone, which I originally accepted, but the initial conversation also kind of... soured me. It wasn't the person approaching me's fault, but the fact I actually got so overwhelmed with the "why you should let us dub it instead of ___" part that I started crying may have had something to do with it. I tried to do other ask series stuff after this on the main channel I work on, but time and time again I was discouraged from doing so by different people. The last one I wanted to work on, "ASK THE LAMB" (Cult of the Lamb inspired), I was actually kind of... barred from doing so, because someone else (the same person who approached me about this blog), approached me saying they had the idea first... but that they just never posted about it. And because they managed to chug the whole thing out in a week and sweet-talk me a bit in DM's, I just... couldn't do it. I felt defeated and belittled by someone bigger than me. The project was cancelled, because for the third time I felt I could do nothing. I felt helpless. And that extended to this blog as well. It feels bad being practically barred from creating something within the first two weeks because someone bigger than you takes the idea then claims they did it first. And so I decided I won't do any more ask blogs. Instead, I'll revive my presence on Tumblr on my main blog, which I'll link to in a separate post. On that blog, I can promise you all I will draw at least one Mommy Long Legs piece. Kind of a last hurrah type thing. --- TLDR: I won't be continuing this blog because of school, work, and life obligations, as well as my self-esteem as an artist being driven into the mud by someone with 10x my follower count telling me an idea that I posted about first was their idea that they "just hadn't posted about yet." But you guys can find me on my other socials that will be linked in the next post. Also, I will leave this blog up for now, but I will not be answering asks anymore. I'm sorry. Again, thank you all for the love and support. I apologize for you all having to wait this long for something that I should have just.. said. Catch you all on the flip. <3 -DottDraws