#Trespasser and I see people stan him or hate him but no one talk about how fucked up the message the devs flipped on a dime to push with

[sad-scarred-sassy]

tamlin “trapped” feyre after all negotiations broke down with the certainty of knowing feyre would endanger herself and others temporarily

from the wu this fandom talks about it you’d think he’s mother gothel but like. it was only until he came back. it wasn’t like he had her isolated, restricting access to who got to see her. he offered to invite her sisters - she was the one who said no! i really don’t see how it’s comparable to feyre + the ic making nesta stay on a remote island for what it’s worth with two near strangers who she has little to no positive associations with if they can’t be considered the cause of all her trauma in the first place (in that they are fae etc)

whereas nesta’s sentence (bc let’s face it she was sent to azkaban as punishment with a fun caveat like “you’re free if you can cross the sea! and manage to maintain a sense of identity while around guards who remind you how terrible you are of course!”) is indefinite and it’s pretty obvious from everything that comes after that it’s just something she’s expected to make the best of as opposed to something that can get better with time.

and cassian being her jailer whose amicability she has to earn by performing rigorous physical activity she had no interest in even if she grew to love it.. i wonder if she’s had that experience before

sorry, i’m not disagreeing with you, i saw your post + i just die a little inside every time someone’s like “ew tampon” “wow i wish i had a cassian” like no. they’re not the same, you (not you, ily) just have the attention span of a gold fish on catnip

You know I restrained myself from posting more on this because I’m such a hater sometimes lol, gotta focus on more positive things sometimes but... I’ll get this out of my chest.

I wanna preface by saying I do not care if people like Cassian/Nessian, truly. I even like fanon Cassian and fanon Nessian. I also have seen very little people that like Cassian bashing Tamlin (probably bc of my filters and just the type of blogs I follow bc I do love them all) BUT☝🏼 what I do see is a lot of “Disclaimer: we know Tamlin is an abuser” on Tamlin neutral posts (when no other character gets that treatment) or using Tamlin as a cautionary tale of how he treated Feyre and then praise the other “mates” for being “the right ones” and treating them correctly or something, which does annoy me a bit, but alas.

In my opinion yes, you are right, what Cassian and the Inner Circle did to Nesta is a million times worse than what Tamlin did to Feyre, but nobody, nobody considers Cassian’s actions in Silver Flames as bad as they actually are. Nobody considers him an abuser like Abusive Tamlin™️. When talking about what Nesta has endured in SF people put all the blame on Rhys and Feyre (which yes of course) but they forget Cassian was also there, willingly.

I’ve seen people use the argument that both Nesta and Cassian treated each other poorly in their relationship, but I have to ask… what did Nesta do to him that’s worse than what he did… intentionally. She was mean to him and called him bastard like four times? And only when he trespassed her boundaries. Somehow this is comparable to him being her jailer, taking her to train in the middle of Illyria, being a dick when he knew she was struggling, telling her everyone hates her and he cannot understand why her sisters love her, controlling her food intake as if she’s a gym bro or something when she clearly had an eating disorder, not telling her that Feyre was not mad at her and letting her BREAK while making her carry a huge backpack and forcing her on a hike not talking to her for days, to the point she fainted and fell on her face near a cliff?? (this because she made Rhys mad). Anyway the list goes on.

And you know what I don’t care if people like this guy after all this, but it is just funny how somehow Neris shippers are the “morally dubious” ones lol (and don’t get me started on Tamlin stans aka the devil worshippers), because Nesta said she “deserved Eris” (as a punishment), babygirl your WHOLE relationship with Cassian has been a punishment, for what sins you ask? Being mean (as she should) and spending the High Lord’s coin.

And what makes it worse is that the narrative will always favor the Inner circle, Cassian will never pay for what he’s done the way Tamlin has (and still is) he will never even apologize because he was “holding out his hand” or whatever bs that was. (Honestly if I get proven wrong and he does pay and apologize then I may give him a chance, but I highly doubt it)

I won’t even pretend that I think Neris will be canon as much as I wish it was, even if I know that if SJM wrote it, it still would have had its problems but at least Nesta wouldn’t have ended up with the people who treated her like a criminal just because she wouldn’t kiss their ass. And on top of all, with a mate that doesn’t even have the balls to stand up for her. Holy shit.

Okay I got it all out of my chest I think, I’ll try not to hate so much but this shit bro makes me seethe. I’ll go touch some grass.

[supremechancellorrex]

Okay, then, it's online space, we can go back and forth forever as it's all public discourse and there's no such thing as trespassing. Please give me examples of Mai saying fascist rhetoric or looking down on other nations racially. Aside from her just existing as a FN character born on the wrong side of the border. "Zuko did x" is actually a good measure when there's a double standard. Funny enough, I've met even people who call Zuko fascist and dislike Zuko's redemption story as it ends up with him as an absolute monarch, who mishandles the Fire Nation colony problem and puts FN citizen interests above Earth Kingdom interest for much of the Promise. The word is hardly stirring in this fandom now. Others have called him an abuser for how controlling he was in the Beach in who Mai could talk to. And they tell me all of that is so apparent. It seems in some opinions Zuko is badly written, despite the feels and "kindness" conclusions.

Also with Sokka and Suki it is not a "false equivalence" because Sokka and Suki were friends and then lovers who meet up again and kissed in the Serpent's Pass after spending days together and that whole spiel about Yue, his first girlfriend. He rebuffs Ty Lee in the Crossroads of Destiny by saying he's "with Suki now". Sokka went into a fit of rage and cried in Day of Black Sun over Suki, yet he didn't think of her missing until Azula mentions it despite it being weeks. Then as soon as they meet up again Sokka tries to smooch her immediately. They are in a relationship, it goes without saying. This is the nature of Avatar. You could complain the relationship between Suki and Sokka is fast, it could also be complained that Sokka forgets about Suki for a long time despite being committed to her. Arguably makes Sokka seem rather callous if one is to ignore this is an episodic kid's show, same with Zuko.

As for your conjecture of "We're supposed to think", that's just your interpretation, a rather absolutist one, but the context, voice acting, body language/smiles and structuring of those scenes, including the quotes I have shared but you're free to watch them yourself, make it unlikely for quite a number of others, myself included. Since you've talked about what you hate, I'll tell you what I dislike in the fandom. Absolutist takes where everyone in the audience is told "We're supposed to" with no evidence provided. This is what Azula stans say, they say "We're supposed to sympathise with Azula", "We're supposed to see that she's an abuse victim child and not judge her at all", despite it just being their interpretation. Mai does not dismiss everything Zuko says, there are many times she tries to understand and comfort him in Book 3, and Zuko's actual reasons for leaving are stated in the show.

Zuko: "Everyone in the Fire Nation thinks I'm a traitor... I couldn't drag her into it."

This is a protective measure for her, not "anti-war rhetoric" fears.

I think it's quite clear he didn't think she was going to do anything to him. He expresses no actual fear towards Mai at all. Even when he runs into her in the Boiling Rock, still no fear. It's because Mai and Zuko actually have a level of trust, because Mai has been often supportive of him despite a couple mistakes here and there. The more Zuko and Mai got to know each other in the show, the more time goes the more they ironed out problems like how most relationships work.

I also disagree with your accusations of how I allegedly "misconstrued" your argument when I actually think you misunderstand and misconstrue mine. You don't have to say someone doesn't need to be as bad as Ozai or Azula to be an abuser, although it's rather irrelevant, and I never said Mai's difficulty emoting was a good thing. Just like I would never say Zuko taking out his anger on others is a good thing, if we're talking about the relationship and responsibility. The funny thing is, Mai learns how to emote more and express herself. She even smiles more as the series progresses, she confronts Azula, she chooses Zuko over fear and bitterness. As for 'just "being human" and a teenage girl", think you restructured my sentence there, but regardless I never said Mai was perfect, there are reasons why, and I just don't believe it takes her out the running from having a relationship with Zuko just because they both have baggage or aren't perfect at communicating in every interaction. If you don't think Mai is "nasty", then why would Katara be supposedly justified in punching her in the throat and never liking her? I think the word is actually a good summary of your view of her, since you claim she's an "abuser" and "mean" to everyone, demanding a relationship with Zuko as if this is an entrapment case (despite Zuko clearly wanting the relationship as well and making his own decisions).

Zuko [surprised, happy]: 'Mai! You're okay! They let you out of prison?"

Mai : "My uncle pulled some strings. And it doesn't hurt when the new Fire Lord is your boyfriend."

Zuko: [happy, smiling] "So does this mean you don't hate me anymore?"

Look at Zuko's response, look at the context. Think we can take it that Mai isn't demanding anything here if they both know each other and what each other wants. Zuko is receptacle because he wants to be back with her, and she knows it, which is the context of the dialogue. It feels like you're forcing Mai into an aggressor/abuser role that doesn't fit her character. Mai herself is critiqued in the narrative for suppressing her emotions, and as the narrative continues we see her learn to express them more to the point she not only yells in the Beach but later goes against Azula. But Mai is never an abuser. Whether you appreciate this or not, these are canon scenes. You can argue bad writing, but it doesn't change that the writing is geared to Mai being a certain character, and that is likely not the one you're accusing her of, even with her earlier villain rep that felt rather mild in the narrative ultimately. She didn't even want to chase Katara and Sokka through slurry.

As for Ukano, guy hardly seems like a threat, Mai handled him and everyone easily while holding a toddler. Perhaps Mai didn't think Ukano would achieve much, or join with Azula, who was supposed to be in asylum. Do I think it's bad writing? Sure. Entire New Ozai Society is. Same with how I think Zuko regressing his character arc and getting advice from a genocidal maniac like Ozai is bad. At worst, they're just both muddled about their bad fathers and manipulated at times, Ukano plants doubts in Mai's mind in Smoke and Shadow (that undermine Maiko), Ozai plants doubts in Zuko in the Promise (that consequently undermine Maiko). Not sure how this adds to your Mai is an abuser narrative, Ukano and Ozai are a better fit for the blame by messing with their kids' feelings and relationship.

"I think Katara would get along with Azula/Mai because female solidarity!"

Cool. I think Katara would punch fascists in the throat.

[ziracona]

TLDR at the bottom, as I know this became very long. My apologies.

I would really like to clarify first that I am not arguing with you or attempting to make you like her and am just attempting to explain my stance since you seemed confused about specifically this: as someone who is very solidly for mage rights in the Dragon Age games and also really likes Vivienne, I do think you overestimate how many fans she has? Which is completely understandable as fandom has cooled a little bit in the last few years, which means there’s less discourse posts floating around, but it used to be that if I found Vivienne content it was vitriolic towards her—she has a canonical Ao3 tag labeled “Vivienne (Dragon Age) Is A Bitch” for example.

We’re not prone to criticizing her character on the regular because she already gets a lot of it, on about the same level as Anders (whom I also am very fond of) and most of it has already been said before.

For examples though, her arguments about mages are genuinely infuriating and make little sense.

She is fantastically racist in the game, which is also very frustrating, though to be fair to her, I’m having trouble thinking of a companion who isn’t at some point or another without ability to correct them (Dorian supporting slavery and his “elven harpy” comment towards, Cole’s “Never trust half an elf” comment which is bad regardless of if they were intending it to be about Michel, Solas and Sera’s everything unfortunately, etc. all come to mind.) Maybe Bull, Leliana, or Josie? I can’t remember them being so off the top of my head.

These things do suck and most Vivienne fans (except for a few, but typically fans who support the fantasy Catholic Church aren’t going to be the type of fans who will bother caring about a Black woman—they’ll usually go for Cullen, the white straight man who is anti-mage and who the narrative actually cares about) are very aware of her flaws, but generally we think it was a very stupid idea to have the first Black companion (that they will actually admit to being Black anyway, unlike Isabela who got whitewashed and Morrigan and Cole, who never really have the fact that they are mixed Black acknowledged or shown in the games) support the oppressive system and use her as a mouthpiece for a conservative agenda.

(Using characters as a mouthpiece for whatever agenda the devs are trying to push with little regard to their actual characters is a very common thing in Inqusition—ex. at one point they have Cole say Cullen was a “good Templar who remembered the mages are people” when Cullen literally has a line in 2 saying “Mages aren’t people like you and me.” which is a direct quote from him, and even though Cole should by all rights be terrified by Cullen. Also, all of Varric’s Inquisition characterization.)

I mean, her companion quest is just there to have you distrust her briefly (the quest is named after a classic villain line and the youth potion paper) before “surprising” the player with the the fact that she… has layers? Cares about someone? Which is so… incredibly stupid on the Dev’s parts for a variety of reasons that if I talk about now I will start getting genuinely angry over.

I also think she has some very redeeming qualities. I personally found that she was very compassionate towards an Inquisitor she was friends with. It doesn’t stop her from being opportunistic, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing necessarily. I think this bit specifically is probably something we won’t agree on however, since we have very different readings on these moments, so I’m going keep it at that.

None of this is meant to convince you to like her at all, but I wanted to explain my perspective in doing so since you seemed confused about it.

TLDR: I, and many other pro-mage Vivienne fans, are aware of her flaws, but we think that was a terrible writing decision and do see several redeemable qualities in her character. None of this is meant to sway you in your dislike of her, but I wanted to explain my perspective since you said you didn’t understand how someone could like Vivienne and be pro-mage.

(P.S. I am very sorry if any of this comes off as condescending or if this was completely unwelcome. I’m autistic and have a hard time with tone, both reading it and delivering it. I’m working on it, but I’m still not good at tone over text.)

I. I understand all of this. I’ve criticized the fact they made the first black companion a huge bitch and a bigot against her own kind from the second it became clear that was her personality? But her being the first black companion also doesn’t innately make her a good character. Being a minority doesn’t make what a character does automatically ok or less bad, and idealization is dehumanization as much as villainizing is. It makes BioWare’s writers and their decisions gross, and their agenda gross, any anyone who uses her sucking as an excuse to be racist or disproportionately hateful to only the black companion horrible, but it at the same time doesn’t just…make her good, or ok.

She’s written stupidly, but the character they made is a bigot given no real character growth who tries to ruin the advances for mage rights even if you put forth the best possible outcomes (Lelianna Divine, allied Mages) and befriended Vivienne. She straight sucks. She does. She is a bad, selfish, emotionally manipulative person with no empathy for those of her kind less privileged than her, and a species traitor. (Or whatever? Can’t think of a better thing to categorize Mages as. Class??) It’s not like I only complain about her. I’ve been just as liberal complaining about Doriana and Sera and every other fucked up choice the Devs made. If you’ve seen anything I posted the past week, you’ve probably seen me having a meltdown over how utterly unsalvagable Inquisition is as a game. As for Viv herself, she’s not devoid of good qualities. She’ll be nice if she’s your friend, you’re right, but you have to be kind of terrible to befriend her at all, and so? So is everyone on the planet. That’s what fair weather friends /are/. But beyond that, yeah. She’s not all evil. She cared about the guy she was mistress to. She’s not a monster. But she high key is a terrible person and sucks. You’re right, the devs making her quest a quote from the Queen from Snow White of all things, to encourage a player to lie to her, is fucked up. So is literally everything they did to her. So is how they treated Bull, and Dorian, and Sera, and all kinds of things. But that doesn’t make the character good.

From your own description, you don’t actually like canon Vivienne. You like the HC version you rewrote in your head. And that’s fair, and it’s a fair way to say fuck you to the devs—I do the same with Solas. But you’ll never see me not absolutely accusing the shit out of canon end game Trespasser Solas—he’s a racial supremacist genocide intellectual dude bro, which is a horrific choice for the devs to make esp considering his preTrespasser characterization, but that’s still what he was. I can ignore that and make my HCs, but I’m not going to pretend canon wasn’t what it is. It was. And I wasn’t complaining I see alternate takes on Vivienne, but that I see people talk about Canon Viv like she’s a girlboss while claiming to be pro mage, and those things just concretely do not and cannot go together. And that complaint absolutely stands. It’s cool and even good to hc and rewrite her as a different person. But that’s not canon Viv anymore then, it’s an OC that should have been in the game.

[crossdressingdeath]

i just realized jc is just mdzs' version of chloe bourgeois from miraculous ladybug, down to the stans taking the piss on the creator and claiming they've been set up and that the creators hate them just because they've been presented as antagonists when ??? how could a creator hate something they created ??? the characters r just serving their narrative purpose that the creator gave ???

I wouldn't know, I don't watch Miraculous Ladybug. But it's like... yes, sometimes creators hate their characters! You can tell when that happens! Like, I've talked about Anders before; his DA2 writer apparently legitimately despised him and you can tell by how badly the story butchers the character they set up in Awakening and even the first act or so of DA2. The writers in general hated Anders and what he stood for and you can see that in Inquisition and Trespasser and how the characters respond to him (even if Hawke agrees with him they'll still pretty much say he was crazy and it's possible for a Hawke who romanced him to pretty much say they put him down like a rabid dog, plus things like how Trespasser was like "Uh... there was so much rubble from the destruction of one building it changed the tidal patterns in a coastal city and killed hundreds of people, don't question the logic of that"); the writers wanted the audience to see Anders as a bad guy and when parts of the audience didn't come to that conclusion they doubled down in the next game. That is a creator hating the character they created. And you might not know this if you're not into DA, but the mages in DA and specifically Anders are heavily coded as neurodivergent; yeah, Anders is heavily coded as part of a group that is discriminated against in the real world and that is important to keep in mind when talking about the writers hating him. A character belonging to one of if not THE most privileged groups in the setting AND out of universe being written as an antagonist and treated like an antagonist is not the creator unfairly hating them.

JC is presented as an antagonist from his first appearance. His first act is hurling abuse at a teenager for not murdering his own uncle in cold blood! MXTX could only have been more obvious about JC being an antagonist if she'd straight up interrupted the story with an author's note to say "Hey, don't root for this guy he's a bad person"! Or possibly had him kick a puppy or something. A rich, powerful man belonging to the dominant culture of the setting being the villain is not the sort of character that the author hates and wants to mock because of social bias against the group the character is part of or coded as being part of, which is generally the only reason an author creating a character would keep a character they hate as-is instead of changing them to be more likeable (yeah, authors do that, y'know). Even with villains, unless they're specifically designed to be a hate sink the author probably likes them at least a little. At most it could be a message in the work, railing against the dominant group, that sort of thing. And from what I've seen of MXTX talking about JC (which admittedly isn't much) I don't get the impression that she hates him. He's just... an antagonist. That's his role. Authors do not inherently hate their antagonists, the antagonist was created to be an antagonist and is doing their job. JC not living happily ever after is not MXTX hating him, it's the basic writing principle of "the antagonist does not get a perfect happy ending in a story with a happy ending"! I don't see people insisting MXTX hates JGS because he died!

It's just... such a stupid argument. "Oh, the antagonist doesn't get everything he wanted, clearly the author hates him!" This is such a basic thing it hurts, JC getting a happy ending would weaken the entire ending. And hell, the only thing he doesn't get is his punching bag back. So people are bitching about MXTX hating JC because... the guy this antagonist murdered decided to get married instead of going back to the childhood home that he moved out of over a decade earlier. To go back to DA, Anders was one of the party members. In two games. And his reward was being called crazy for eventually going from peaceful protest to inciting a riot so that his people would no longer be tortured and murdered. You want to talk about creators hating their character, that's the example to go to! Not the only surviving antagonist of a novel not getting everything he wanted when not even the HEROES got EVERYTHING they wanted!

[ego-driven-one-wing-angel]

Send a number | Answers

Thanks again for 250 followers!!!

What’s one animal you wish you could have as a pet but can’t?

A penguin. I love them so much.

Favorite thing to wear to sleep?

Sometimes I wear one of those “drug rugs” or baja hoodies. With shorts. And sometimes knee high socks. I HATE pajama pants. So if I’m cold I find alternatives. 

What song really gets you going?

Right now, Drinking Alone by Carrie Underwood. But usually Tranz by Gorillaz.

Where do you usually eat your meals?

At my dining table or in the family/living room with my mom.

Favorite meal: breakfast, lunch, or dinner?

BRUNCH

Most embarrassing habit?

Sometimes I’ll pick my nose at the most inconvenient times like a child.

Chocolate or fruity candy?

Chocolate

Soft or hard tacos?

When I ate meat regularly, soft, with carne asada. 

Worst way to break up a fight?

Throwing a pan at them? Dude I don’t know. Wrestle them to the ground? I feel like either of those are terrible.

Best thing to say in an elevator of strangers?

“You’re all probably wondering why I gathered you all here today.”

What color/design are your bedsheets?

Teal. And my comforter is a black/white diamond pattern.

Any hidden talents?

I was a dancer for roughly nine years. So I’m pretty good at that.

Favorite thing to drink out of (mug, glass, etc.)?

My Star Wars Luke Skywalker lightsaber water bottle. 

Socks or bare feet around the house?

Bare feet man. Those who wear shoes in the house are weak and will not survive the winter.

 Favorite board game?

Clue!

Do you sleep with the fan on or off?

I don’t even own a fan.

Heat on or keep it cold with lots of layers?

Heat at 67.5 and a sweater. Perfection.

Do you sing in the shower?

Who doesn’t?

Favorite song to belt out at the top of your lungs when you’re alone?

Tranz by Gorillaz. All time favorite song EVER.

Last thing you cried about?

Watching Zack die YET AGAIN in Crisis Core. I don’t think I’ve ever watched that scene WITHOUT crying.

At what age did you first have alcohol?

15ish. Wine.

Relationship status?

Single

What’s the most amount of money you’ve spent on a single item of clothing?

249$ A Guess coat that I absolutely adore.

What do you typically wear to formal events?

A modest dress. Heels. And a Louis Vuitton bag to match.

Favorite memory?

Probably almost getting arrested with my friends back when I was 17. We were at a closed park, after hours, past curfew, and it was like 3 am. We bought 64 tacos from Jack in the Box and pigged out in the venue. Super rad.

Gum or breath mints?

Gum

Favorite shoes?

Probably my Guess sneakers. I don’t wear them often, but I love the design.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My chubbiness. I’m not fat per say. But I’m not skinny either, but I want to look more like a classic, 1950′s pinup model more than anything.

What is the natural state of your hair?

My hair has very soft curls. Naturally, there more like “beach waves”

Have you ever had braces?

YES. WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE

Most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?

Ghost hunting. I was illegally trespassing, and the building was real sketchy. 

Most embarrassing thing your parents have caught you doing?

I’m just an embarrassment through and through. What haven’t they caught me doing. But I guess writing porn is a close first.

Last time you had an orgasm?

I’m a virgin who has never experienced anything remotely sexual. 

Celebrity crush(es)?

Sebastian Stan, Bill Skarsgard, Sam Claflin, Karl Urban, Sebastian Stan

Windows or Mac?

I’ve never owned a Mac, so I’m biased when I say Windows.

How old were you when you learned to ride a bike?

Six, seven? I was still quite young.

Makeup or natural?

MAKEUP

What color do you wear the most?

I wear a lot of neutral colors like gray.

Favorite season?

Winter.

Umbrella or rain coat?

Umbrella.

Have you ever fallen out of a tree?

No

First car you ever owned?

A 2002 Toyota. Super old, and the chip was painting off. My trunk also broke. Oil leak. Y’know, a traditional first car.

What time do you usually go to bed?

Anytime between 11-1 am.

Are you a competitive person?

Yes.

Least favorite color?

Orange.

First pet you’ve ever owned?

A cat :)

Sweet or salty?

Sweet

Favorite pasta dish?

Ravioli 

Favorite kind of chips?

Cheetos

Talk about something you’re passionate about.

Writing. I love being able to put my ideas on paper, let my thoughts and emotions run free in a world where I have to act a certain way. I can be anyone while writing!

What are some of your hobbies?

Writing

Drawing

Watching too much television

puzzles

Caffeine? If so, what kind?

I’m a tea gal. But I LOVE coffee. Especially mochas and caramel. With extra pumps of espresso. Hell yeah.

Favorite kind of pizza?

Ranch and Chicken or just plain cheese.

Fast food or sit-down restaurant?

Sit-down

Lots of acquaintances or a handful of close friends?

I love having a large circle, but I choose my best friends wisely. I only have about two or three of those and they’re the one’s I keep close to my heart.

Something that ruins your appetite?

This is a bit more dark, but my dad and I don’t bond outside video games. And he’s the type that believes it’s his way or no way no matter what. So if you get him angry he acts like a two-year-old who just got a toy taken away, and will try to push your buttons until you’re the same way. I saw the signs years ago, but whenever his anger is targeted at me I just don’t want to eat. I write instead. 

Favorite labels about you?

As in names? It’s near 1 am while writing this so I might have just gone stupid. But I love it when my friends call me cutie. Or my good friend Charlie calls me Smarties. And he’ll pull out a smartie from his pocket when he does it. I also get called Reid, as in Spencer Reid, a lot.

Are you a religious person?

Yes. I try to be at least. I’m Christian.

Night out with a bunch of friends in public or night in with one friend having deep conversations?

Night out. I spend too much time indoors with one friend as is.

What size shoe do you wear?

9

Favorite thing about yourself?

My confidence, or my keen fashion sense. 

Have you ever told someone you loved them first?

No.

Have you ever had sex on the first date?

No.

Heroes or villains?

Villains. (Sephiroth, Bucky Barnes, Loki, etc.)

Favorite fruit?

Pomegranates. 

Least favorite fruit?

Bananas. I’ll eat them, but there are a lot better choices honestly. 

Favorite vegetable?

Broccoli

Least favorite vegetable?

Brussels sprouts

How many plates can you eat at a buffet?

About a good three. First is salad. Second is fruit. Third is desert. 

Favorite dessert?

Ice cream. Bubble gum flavor is my favorite!

Do you play any sports?

Nope.

Age you learned how to swim?

Seven or eight.

Tell a funny story.

Maybe this is just funny to me, but earlier today my cat was trying to lick her coat but she set her front paw on a piece of paper and anytime she bent over to lick herself she slid and she would have to readjust herself. She did this like four times before she decided to move.

What’s one interesting thing about your culture?

As someone who is a part of the Navajo tribe, something neat is the more fat you have on your bones the more people respect you because they believe you have money.

What’s one annoying thing about your culture?

We can’t touch cold-blooded animals. It’s said if you touch the scales of a snake, or even breath in the same air, you’ll get the same skin as them.

What job would you be terrible at?

Accounting. I can’t do math to save my freaking life.

Would you rather watch a TV show or a movie?

TV shows.

What’s your favorite compliment to give?

“Cute Outfit!” or “Love the Hair!” You have no idea how many people light up on either of these, male/female/nonbinary. Looking good is a happiness found across all the spectrums. 

What’s your favorite compliment to receive?

“Cute hair.” Or “Love your makeup/nails.” 

Has your opinion changed on something recently?

I can’t remember. Like I said, it’s close to bedtime where I’m at and boi, it’s hard to concentrate right now.

Do you always order the same thing at a restaurant or order something different each time?

I order the same. 

What’s something you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t yet?

This sounds awful, but I’ve always wanted to try ecstasy. I have buddies who’ve taken it and say, if you do it right, the first time is pretty bomb. 

If you could learn to do anything right now, what would it be?

Singing. I can’t carry a tune.

Favorite physical feature about yourself?

My eyes.

Least favorite physical feature about yourself?

My wide hip/waist ratio. If my waist was thinner I wouldn’t mind as much.

What’s one amazing thing you did that nobody was around to see?

OKAY. I scored a strike on Wii bowling while i was on the toilet one time. Two rooms away and not even looking at a screen. Just using my heart and determination and it was SUPER COOL AND I WISH PEOPLE COULD HAVE SEEN THOSE SKILLS.

If you could change your height, would you?

Yes. Everyone is a good foot taller than me. So I would most definitely want a few more inches.

What’s something you would rate 10/10?

Final Fantasy 7 Remake’s Character concept for Sephiroth. The eyes, the height, the hair. WOW. In love.

Heels or flats?

Heels

What’s something you wish you had more knowledge about?

Politics. I want to get more involved but every time I do I get so confused.

Would you want to be famous?

I wouldn’t mind. But I value my private life.

What’s something you would get arrested for?

Well I already almost got arrested for eating tacos in a closed park at 3 am. So maybe that.

What’s your spirit animal?

A cat. 

What’s the luckiest thing that’s ever happened to you?

The fact that I graduated high school. I was developing anxiety and literally had no idea what the frick was happening with me and no one told me what it was. So I ended up skipping loads of school for that reason. 

Are you the type to have an organized mess, or no mess at all?

Organized mess. Or just a mess. 

Do you tend to make decisions based on the past, present, or future?

The future.

Are you a planner or a more spontaneous person?

Planner. I hate when things are sprung on me last minute. I have to emotionally prep up before a social event so 5-10 business days are needed.

Thoughts on the oxford comma?

I was taught to use it, but it’s literally so useless? I found myself either not using it or just doing it on instinct. So in one story you could probably find multiple instances where I use it and where I don’t use it, maybe in the same paragraph. I just do whatever fits that moment I guess.

What do you hope never changes?

My squad. I love them to pieces and it would break my heart if at some point they’d want to split.

How would you celebrate your 100th birthday?

Something extremely dangerous like skydiving or zip lining across a canyon. 

[sinceless-blog]

whoa, i heard that DAVID “PARIS” PATTERSON had enrolled at olyu, but seeing the ART EDUCATION major in person is just so different. you’re right, the TWENTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD does remind me of A STRIPE OF PAINT ON THE FOREHEAD, LYING IN A FIELD OF FLOWERS, and GRAFFITI BENEATH AN OVERPASS. probably because they’re so ADOLESCENT and EXPLOITABLE, but, i mean, they’re not all bad. they can be so JOCUND and DEDICATED, too, which i honestly think is because they’re a SON OF IRIS with PHOTOKINESIS. either way, i’d stay out of the way of anyone that people call THE SWEETHEART.

Hi everyone !! I’m Bren, I am a PJO stan since day 1 and am so happy every time I get a chance to rp a character even mildly affiliated w it. Anywho, this is my bby Paris, he’s amazing, pls give him love, I will have a plots page up soon after posting this intro. Until then please hit me up with plots you want for your lovelies ~

99% sunshine 1% where am i

David Paris Patterson was born to Iris and a man, Paris’ father, who felt far too young to raise a child, both financially and emotionally incapable. His sister, Althaea, gladly took him under wing. He was raised by his Aunt for most of his life, up until the point that he had to go to Camp Half Blood, and subsequently Olympus U. 

She lived in Atlanta, Georgia, so Paris had a taste of both urban influence as well as southern tradition. His Aunt was an amazing baker and Paris adopted this love from her. 

Soon, his creativity spread out from the world of baking into the world of other art, where he found an inclination to paint and, as he got older, spray paint. 

Paris had always been an obedient child, in the eyes of his Aunt and the law. He did his chores in a timely manner, helped around the house, and even made a good impression on his neighbors when he offered to rake a yard or bring up a newspaper here and there.

The truth was, Paris was rather obedient, but also didn’t mind ignoring a rule or two in the name of good-natured fun. Trespassing to skateboard down some particularly fun ramps, or to reach a spot that the sun would hit perfectly to spray paint something beautiful were pass-times of his. 

Unfortunately, despite all his creative genius and interpersonal skills, Paris never impressed a teacher in the way of academia. His dyslexia was near insurmountable when he was younger. In middle school, he never did assigned reading, he handed in incomplete math assignments, and doodled instead of taking notes.

Teachers couldn’t really get mad at him, though. They were concerned, but the way Paris would stop to help someone who spilled papers everywhere, or show special care and attention to class pets, always making sure they didn’t feel neglected and even talking to them at times, made them somewhat sure that he was what people should aspire to be, in terms of character.

Althaea struggled for money. She had a job, but it didn’t supply much income for a two-person household, and whatever money was coming from her brother was only enough to cover things like groceries, new shoes for Paris, and the like.

Around the age of 14, freshman year at high school, Paris was forced to take a new path-- it was impressive enough that no monsters (to his knowledge) had disturbed them until such age. However, Althaea had not told him about the several incidents that they actually did have. After one last straw, his Aunt decided it safer for him to be at Camp Half Blood. 

It wasn’t hard for Paris to make friends at Camp, not with his disposition, however he met such a diverse group of people that he was bound to come into conflict with some, and indeed found that, for whatever reason, he got on some people’s nerves with his eternally sunny attitude.

Paris also was high key pacifist and hated the idea of a camp designed to train people for combat. He was really bad during training sessions, and often got his ass kicked because he would only defend.

Sometimes this smol boy would actually just hide during the scheduled training hours instead of going to the arena.

This got him into trouble sometimes, but it was never with any spite.

He lived at the Arts & Crafts cabin of the camp

Also, he would sneak into the kitchens after hours to do some baking, a secret hobby which he brought with him to OlyU. 

Might add to this later, but you prob get the gist of him

also despite all the pink aesthetics his fave color is purple like a lavender

HMU for plots pls

[hanscom]

💛-mermaids? Idk how specific i need to be but for the losers club lol

Everyone who’s from Derry has heard about what lives in the quarry.

There’s not a name for them. Those who are unimaginative (or perhaps just lazy) call them mermaids, but that’s not what they are, not really. Mermaids are supposed to live in the ocean - not in some small, dingy, manmade lake.

People come from all over to see them. All sorts of shops have set up downtown: quaint seafood restaurants with voluptuous, finned ladies as their logo. Gift shops with miniature blown-glass keepsakes. A visitor center with a half-dozen pamphlets, each with their own suggestions on the best way to see the creatures. Late at night, some say. Early morning, say others.

Personally, Richie thinks it’s all a big hoax. A tourist trap to drag people to Derry, to blind them with enough supernatural hope so they can’t see what an awful place it really is. They bring their children and entertain them with a few good hours of creature-hunting, and then the kids inevitably get bored of finding nothing, and so they move on. But not before they spend a few dollars in the McDonalds drive thru and at the gas pumps on the edge of town. These people keep Derry alive. They’re paying for a lie, but they don’t have to know that.

Richie works as a tour guide, of sorts. Mostly he keeps an eye on the quarry and picks up litter and occasionally saves a kid or two from drowning. He hates his job. He’s good at his job. He’s been doing this since he was sixteen. He’s almost twenty-eight now. Twelve years of this shit, and he’s never once seen them, these quarry creatures.

He used to believe in them. Every Derry kid did. They all got caught up in the magic, too young and dumb to understand that dull look in their parents’ eye, the way they didn’t quite believe what they were saying. That’s the way he talks now. The parents give him sympathetic half-smiles, but the kids latch on to his every word. He feels bad, sometimes, deceiving them, but it’s just harmless fun. Like Santa Claus.

It’s a Wednesday night in the middle of October, one of the slowest nights of the entire year. School is just starting to get serious. Kids aren’t worried about mermaids when midterms are coming up. Richie hasn’t seen a soul all day, but he kind of likes it like that. It’s peaceful down on the water when no one’s around. Cold already, but not freezing yet. Quiet. Sometimes the wind dips down into the quarry and makes a loud, hollow, miserable noise, but the air is pretty still now.

Which is weird, because he just heard a splash.

That happens, sometimes. There are fish in the quarry, and small turtles. But that sounded sort of big. Well, whatever. Maybe something rolled off the cliff and fell in.

Or maybe someone’s trespassing. Best to check. Just in case.

His boat is a little wooden single-person kayak. It floats perfectly on the water, used to his weight. He’s gotten good at rowing it, even when it’s stormy out and the water acts up. It’s calm now, but there’s that sound again. Splash! Far off to his left. The water ripples.

“Someone out there?” he yells, feeling stupidly like an actor in some bad horror film, the one that dies in the first ten minutes before the good shit even starts. He turns his phone’s flashlight on and casts the light onto the water. It reflects, suddenly and unexpectedly, off of someone’s face.

Richie jumps back so hard he almost tips the kayak over. A gasp tears out of his chest, raw-sounding. The person in the water flinches away just as hard, backpedaling in the water, surprisingly graceful. He has nothing to push off of but he somehow manages to dart back a few good feet, out of reach of the light cast by Richie’s phone.

“You’re not supposed to be swimming here,” Richie calls. He sounds braver than he feels. What kind of lunatic goes for a dip in mermaid-infested waters? Not that there really are any mermaids. But this guy can’t know that. He’s not a local. Richie has never seen him before.

The boy doesn’t say anything. Richie only knows he’s still there because he can hear the gentle way he’s treading water. His movement makes small waves lap quietly against the side of the kayak.

“You have to leave,” Richie tries, more forcefully this time. “Don’t make me call the cops.”

Richie can just barely see movement outside the perimeter of his flashlight’s reach. He leans in, trying to make his eyes adjust, and then jumps back again when the guy pops up out of the water, suddenly a few inches from him.

“Jesus!” he gasps, clutching his chest. “Stop doing that!”

The man smiles. “I’m sorry,” he says, but he doesn’t sound very sorry. He sounds like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Yeah, yeah,” Richie mutters, his heart still pounding. “Laugh it up. You done messing around now? You’ve played your prank, let’s go.”

The man bobs in the water. His movement is fluid. Seamless. He’s clearly a strong swimmer. Maybe he was one of those weird kids who always wanted to be a mermaid, and now he’s trying to come home to his real family or something. The thought almost makes Richie laugh.

He doesn’t say anything. A handful of strange, silent seconds pass. “Hello?” Richie says eventually, waving his hand in front of the man’s face, careful not to get too close. “Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you,” the man says calmly. “You’re very loud.”

Well, this guy is certainly not the first person to ever say so. “And you’re very quiet,” Richie points out. “You’re the one trying to sneak up on me.”

“I wasn’t trying to scare you,” the man says. “I thought you had left. You’re usually gone by now.”

The hair on the back of Richie’s neck stands up. This guy knows his schedule? Jesus. This might be worse than he thought.

Maybe he looks as terrified as he feels, because the man stares at him, cocking his head to the side. “Is something wrong?” he asks. “You don’t look like yourself.”

Fuck. Oh, fuck. “I’m fine,” Richie says faintly. How the hell is he gonna get out of this one? He’s a strong rower, but this guy looks like maybe he’s a stronger swimmer.

“Are you sure?” The man’s eyes are wide and dark, deceptively gentle. He floats closer to the boat and puts his hand on the side of it. Richie is half-afraid he’s going to tip it over, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says, “You look pale, Richie.”

Richie’s heart jams up in his throat. “You know my name?” he squeaks out, pathetically frightened and unable to hide it.

This strange man smiles a strange smile, like he’s humoring Richie. “Of course I do,” he says. “You’re the protector.”

The protector…? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“Dude, I just do what I get paid for,” he says, trying to sound calm and convincing. “I’m not, like, the guardian of the quarry. I don’t give a shit what happens to it.”

The man looks strangely upset by that. His face crumbles into a displeased frown. “That’s not true. You protect it.”

Richie shakes his head. “The only thing I do is make sure no one litters and that people stay in the designated swimming area,” he argues.

The man nods eagerly. “Exactly. You keep us safe.”

Us…?

Richie stares at him. “The only thing I keep alive in here is the wildlife. So unless you’re part fish, I’m not protecting you.”

Something twitches on the man’s face, something both amused and exasperated. “Isn’t that what your people say we are?” he asks. “Part fish?”

God. Oh, God. This guy is cracked.

“Are you trying to say,” Richie says, his voice shaking just the slightest bit, “that you’re a mermaid?”

The man laughs. “Of course not,” he says, and Richie would be relieved except he follows it up with, “That’s not what we’re called.”

Richie probably shouldn’t encourage this delusion, but he can’t resist. “What are you called then?”

The man considers the question. “Eddie,” he finally decides.

Richie’s eyebrows furrow. “You’re called Eddies?”

The man shakes his head. “No. I’m called Eddie.”

“Oh,” Richie realizes. “That’s your name.”

Eddie nods happily. “There are others,” he says, more talkative now, perhaps pleased that Richie is humoring him. “Stan and Bill and Bev and Mike and Ben.”

“Those are pretty normal names,” Richie points out.

Eddie smiles. “You couldn’t pronounce my real name,” he says. “We stole these names from humans. We didn’t think you would mind.”

Richie nods like he understands. God, he has a headache. He just wants to get this nut out of the water so he can go home. “Where are you friends?” he asks, just in case.

“Oh, they’re hiding,” Eddie says dismissively. “They’re scared of you.”

Richie almost laughs. Of all the ludicrous ideas, that one almost beats out mermaids. “Why? I’m not scary.”

“I know that,” Eddie says. “You’re good. But we’re not supposed to talk to humans.”

“Why not?” Richie asks.

Eddie levels him with a flat look like it’s a stupid question. “Because they want to hurt us,” he says. His voice doesn’t sound playful anymore. Instead it’s melancholy. Heart-wrenching. Ancient, like he’s actually much older than he appears. “They come here to find us, pretending they would be happy just to see us. But all they really want is to hunt us.” He peers at Richie and his expression suddenly clears. “You’re not like that, though.”

Maybe this is all a dream. Maybe Richie never really woke up this morning. Maybe he fell and knocked himself out and and this is all in his subconscious. Maybe this is a feverish hallucination. Maybe he’s dead and this is some really weird afterlife.

He pinches himself, just to be sure. Yep, still hurts. Eddie watches the movement, looking confused, and then understanding passes over his face.

“You don’t believe me,” he says. He doesn’t sound upset about it, but Richie is still half-afraid he’s some kind of lunatic ready to snap, so he quickly shakes his head.

“Of course I believe you!” he protests, but he must not sound very convincing, because Eddie latches both hands onto the side of the boat. He’s going to tip it, Richie realizes frantically and he tries to brace himself for the cold water. But nothing happens.

Well, nothing except that Eddie lets his body float away from the body, so that it’s almost horizontal with the surface. His head and chest are still above water, held up by his grip on the kayak, and his back and shoulders are strong and muscled and bare, but Richie isn’t looking at that.

Richie isn’t looking at that because there, past his waist, where there should be legs, there’s… there’s a tail. It’s long and wet and shining, reddish-brown, flecked with gold. It is scaly and thick and pulsing gently, keeping Eddie’s body afloat. It starts somewhere near where his hips should be, vaguely flesh-colored at first, and ends with a fin, split and delicate-looking. It comes up out of the water and then falls back with a heavy splash, and then disappears underneath the surface as Eddie rights himself again.

Eddie, for his part, looks rather smug. “I told you,” he says.

Richie opens his mouth to say something. Anything. But slowly, steadily, his vision starts to blur and go black. He doesn’t realize he’s passing out, and there’s no time to save himself from falling back into the water. He hears a shout and then a splash, and then, right before everything goes totally black, he feels someone grab him, solid and strangely warm, holding him up, keeping his face from sinking below the surface.

[pharlooom]

my opinions on cullen rutherford

over the past few days, I’ve gotten a some anonymous asks requesting me to explain what I think of cullen rutherford, because if you’ve noticed, I’ve been posting a lot of cullen content right now. I feel this is a great time to share my feelings about him and the Discourse around him, also what I think about various opinions this toxic, toxic fanbase has about him.

feel free to add, praise, disagree, or completely obliterate me for this in reblogs or replies. these are my opinions, some gotten from others, some crafted from my own readings and personal views. hate cullen or like him, say what you will, but if you respect my opinions, I will respect yours.

short version: I like cullen. I like his character. I genuinely appreciate his character growth and development and his change. 

long version: from what I know and what I’ve read, this fandom likes to tear him to bits for a bunch of reasons, some of which are so vast and really heavy, I don’t know if I can go into them with enough knowledge of the lore. so it’s neat, I’ll state my opinion and then discuss it.

his abuse at the circle in dao explains his trauma, it doesn’t excuse his absolute shit treatment of mages

yep, I know the whole cullen “mages aren’t people” rutherford is only one of like 273 hearts of the #cullen critical community, but it’s the one people tend to address the most.

but his torture at ferelden’s circle doesn’t excuse his actions, it explains why he hates mages. I don’t know where cullen haters get the idea that the stans only use this as an excuse so their White Chantry Boy can be free to shit on mages wherever he pleases. no. he doesn’t have an excuse. he doesn’t have a get out of jail free card. in da2, his position of knight-captain and shitty treatment of mages is explained by the fact that he suffered a bad experience from them. you can’t just dismiss this. it’s an important part of his character as a whole and seeing haters say that “people use it as justification” is wrong.

and to stans who say that he’s free to hate mages because of this, stop that (though I haven’t seen this yet, I’m sure it’s happening somewhere).

he hates mages because he was traumatized by what happened in ferelden’s circle. that’s an explanation, not a justification. see? that isn’t the same as “it’s okay for him to hate mages because he was traumatized by what happened in ferelden’s circle.”

he was a shit person in da2

there is literally no saving him from this. I won’t come to his rescue or shield him from the criticism, he was terrible.

but, while I’m still on the subject, refer to the first opinion. I feel some people forget his abuse that happened in the prior game. so if you must hate him, hate him with his abuse in mind. hate him for the right reasons. hate that he was in a position to do something but didn’t, that “mages aren’t people” line. understand where he comes from, what he’s been through, then feel free to criticize him in the #cullen critical tag like a person with a clear and open mind.

he joined the templars because he wanted to help people

sometimes we forget that cullen joined the templars because he thought that at the age of thirteen, the templars were helping. this doesn’t excuse his actions later, but the very reason he joined the templars in the first place was because he wanted to help. he didn’t go into the order thinking “all mages r eveil.” when asked why he joined the order, he literally said: “I can think of no better calling than to protect those in need.”

and yes, I know that mages are coded (?) as oppressed people irl. but you have to understand that though they suffer the same oppression, mages and oppressed people irl are vastly different. irl, there’s less of a reason to stand with the oppressors because we’re all human beings with the same capabilities. in thedas, there really is a reason to be afraid of mages when they can literally raise the dead or summon fire at their fingertips. even if they can gain control of these abilities, they are dangerous. there’s a reason why circles had to be built. some circles are chill, and others are horribly abusive. still, you have to understand the validated fear behind thedas looking down on mages.

I don’t understand how him not acting on his affections on the warden or whatever is creepy???

I honest to goodness don’t get this. if you flirt with him too much, he even runs in the opposite direction. people have infatuations that can last for many years, sure, but it happens. people like people for a long time. and it’s not like hof is on his mind 24/7. all I can think of is when you ask him about how he knew her in dai, and that table banter with leliana where he asks about her, but that’s it??? that’s all I can think of??

I’m satisfied with his character development in dai

no, I don’t want him to apologize more than he already is. no, I don’t want the option to oust him from the inquisition. no, I don’t want the inquisitor to be given the option to shit on him, romance or not. no, I don’t want to give him all the ugly missions at the table because he’s an ugly adviser. no, I don’t want hawke or varric to call him out.  

he’s growing, he’s changing. he realizes he’s a shit person, remembers all of the horrible things he’s done, and wants to better himself. I don’t give a shit about “how fast and ooc” it is for a character to change, I am all for positive character development. (I know this argument can and will be used against me. I have longer opinions about this positive character development deal, but for now, know I’m all for it.)

go back to dai and talk to him. just really listen to him. he isn’t even justifying his actions. he constantly says that all the shit he did is bad, scolding himself when he felt like he could have done better. and even when he’s explaining the events, like what happened at ferelden’s circle, he uses it to explain why he was an awful person in kirkwall.

I also see the argument that he distrusts the mages in inquisition, but I don’t see that. and even if he “does,” it’s out of concern for both mages and non-mages. not to mention that he’s left the templars, which has basically been his life for more than a decade, so it isn’t easy for him to just let go of it and instantly say “I trust mages with my life” because you really see the worst of what magic can do in the circles, and he’s been living in them for most of his life. I mean, just look at how hard it was for him to conquer his addiction, the very thing that chained him to the templars and the chantry. he isn’t hostile to any of the mages there, you don’t even see him scolding them or berating them (this only happens once, when he breaks apart an argument between a mage and templar at haven, and even then he also takes the time to scold the templar as well and say that this isn’t the place to do that). he doesn’t seem to mind the presence of vivienne or solas. hell, he plays chess with dorian. still sound like cullen “mages aren’t people” rutherford to you?

there’s a number of times he also says that he left the order because innocent people were getting caught in the crossfires between mages and templars. it was the exact opposite thing he wanted to prevent going into the order. he wanted people to be safe, and because of the templars, people ended up dying. it isn’t hard to understand why he left.

and he left. that’s a thing, by the way. he could have stayed and just accepted the fact that he wanted this life as a child, but he left the templars knowing full well that at that point, it had been his whole life. also, he left with the knowledge that leaving the order can be straight-up insanity or death due to lyrium withdrawal. he even talks about how dangerous it is for a templar to leave and how he wants a safer way to leave the order. I really feel that was the highest point of his character: he knew leaving the order (which was a huge part of his life) was difficult, could risk death, and had to suffer major effects from withdrawal. despite that, he still did it. at the ending of trespasser, he even helps other templars conquer their addiction. you may not like his character, but you can’t deny that’s still considerably noble.

and this is where it gets personal: I’ve done shitty things in my life. I’ve said some terrible stuff to people that I can’t take back, no matter how hard I want to. mentally, I’ve shunned and hated a whole community because they were attacking me in ways that destroyed me and my mental health, and I’ve held onto that grudge for so long. I wanted to change, I wanted to be a better person, not one consumed by hatred.

when I first played dai and talked to cullen about his opinions on mages and how he wanted to break free from the order, I bawled like a baby. I cried the whole way through the lyrium addiction mission. I saw myself in his character: somebody who did a fuckton of awful things in his past and wanted to get out of it. he inspired me to be braver, to be a better version of myself, that getting out of a cycle of hating yourself and other people is possible. you can change and it’s worth it.

and that’s why whenever I read cullen hate bashing his character development and how he should “apologize more” and how he’ll never be enough or never be forgiven, no matter how hard he tries to atone for it, it always gets to me. every time people hate his character, I feel like they’ll hate people like me, people who are bad and will always be bad and can’t improve ever because they were awful before, they’ll be awful forever.

TL;DR: cullen is an amazing character. his growth and backstory speaks volumes to me. I respect and look up to him in ways that this entire thing can’t do justice. while he’s done some terrible things in the past, he isn’t good, but he isn’t bad either. I admire him for what he is now, and how he’ll continue to grow in the lore to come.

again, this is only my opinion. you are free to disagree and agree at your own leisure. hate him, don’t hate him, whatever, I respect your opinion. you’re coming from a different point of view and I absolutely love that. all I ask is that you respect my opinion in return.

[oopshisaygoodnight]

the souring of Wilde

i shall tell my story chronologically, because it is better served by understanding some of what harry has been through for the past 12 years.

to start with Booksmart was perhaps my favorite movie of 2019. 

a second movie from olivia was exciting, florence pugh & shia labeauf were exciting casting choices in 2020. shia left to be replaced by harry styles- exciting casting news. january 2021, harry and olivia dating? very cool! harry has good taste in directors i like, and an older woman, all very cool. 2021- we get pap photos of them walking in LA, kissing on a yacht in italy- very fun little gossip bits, a little scandy. 

fall 2021- i get to see harry in denver on september 7th. i have the most wonderful time. i contemplate giving up everything so i could follow him around the country, but i take my merch and don’t dive in deeper. i am jealous when i see olivia attend a BUNCH of shows and is out in the back of the pit, having some little interactions with fans. i live vicariously through recommended reels etc.

2022- i read that book that sends me down larry/1d spiral. i learn more about harry in general. i wonder about his various scandals that i hadn’t paid attention to- any quick google of his dating history kind of underscores a lot of short relationships, loose acquaintanceships with one night stands.

he wrote Fine Line apparently gutted after ending a year long relationship with the french model camille rowe- she is the voicemail on cherry.

coachella sends me all the way to stan twitter- i mostly want to talk about harry and theorize about lyrics and generally have fun learning new things. by the time i get to larry, it is clear that there is subsection of harry stan twitter that is in fact no stunts larrie twitter. the “no stunts” is critical- it is demonstrating that you essentially believe all his “public” relationships have been stunts. 

that seems a little out-there, but as they say, i’m not one to yuck anyones yums. that side of twitter seems to be more queer and generally fun, so i mostly surround myself with people with that hard line. 

some hard lines get drawn within the community because larries are very protective- public acknowledgment of larry and larries always ends badly, and if you are a larrie you are at the mercy of antis (whose missions is to call larries brain damaged) or solos (who think one direction nostalgia is destructive)

anyway- you’re either with us or you’re against us is the attitude.

but research is encouraged, mining history for insights, rabbit holes and archival stuff like that! very fun.

i see someone say they flipped off olivia at coachella- feels disrespectful and rude. keep your theories to the internet, yknow.

anyway, over the course of the european summer tour, there is very much an attitude of “is she there” and when she was people felt sick and when she wasn’t people rejoiced. 

people would go about hating on olivia in ways that i didn’t feel like condoning, but a lot of the stuff was picked up and quoted in media as misogynists attacks by rabid harry fans who would criticize anyone dating him, calling her old/ugly/a bad mother who left her kids to follow her boyfriend pop star around. 

the stuff that people we referencing as criticisms were old trespasses- making jokes about “tranny”, “wishing she was black”, insensitive stuff verging in homophobic. it’s a smattering of stuff from 2012 onwards, but stuff that an adult should have known better.

some critical moments of don’t worry darling press: interview with emerald ferrell in a directors on directors interview- Olivia has a no assholes policy! 

just looking at her instagram numbers… it’s wild how much it has gone up 

[codynaomiswireart]

“Gauze in the Wound” - Part 3

(Parts 1 & 2)

Going into a bit of a flashback on this segment!  The events in this chapter actually take place before part one, where Varian goes in for his trial with the royal court a few days after being arrested.  It...does not go well.  There is a LOT of angst in this portion, so just be ready for that.  Otherwise I hope you enjoy it!

Another Quick Note: Also, for those of you who are fans of King Frederic, Queen Arianna, and/or Rapunzel, I just want to make it clear that Varian’s dialogue does NOT necessarily reflect my own thoughts and opinions on how the characters conducted themselves in the series.  While I do think that everyone has their share of the blame in how things unfolded in season 01, this piece is very much Varian’s perspective on what had happened, so it’s of course incomplete and serves to primarily to try to justify his actions as he sees fit.  Just so you know and don’t think this is meant to be an attack on the other characters, because I do like the others.  There’s just going to be a lot for everyone to have to sift through in the future for sure.

“Often when he was teaching me to write in Greek the Fox would say, 'Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words.'

“A glib saying. When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years which you have, all that time…been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words.”  ~ Queen Orual, Till We Have Faces

(Several weeks prior...)

[“Varian,” Quirin interrupted, pinching the bridge of his nose in irritation at his son’s persistence.  “Children have no place in court.”]

“…What was that you were saying Dad?” Varian couldn’t help but think to himself bitterly as he faced the doors of the palace’s throne room.  Any moment now, they would be opened, and an entire court would be assembled on the other side, all for him.  Waiting for him.  The irony of it all would’ve almost been comical, had it not been so utterly tragic.

…So, how many lies did that make now?  Varian had lost count…

With a low, heavy noise, the doors to the throne room finally swung open, and Varian did his best to ignore the murmurings and whisperings that his presence prompted as Pete and Stan ushered him in across the threshold.  It seemed as if nearly the whole kingdom had turned out to watch this trial unfold.  Varian’s head hung low, his dark bangs dangled in front of his face, and his footfalls were heavy on the carpet as he walked through the gauntlet of eyes lining the pathway to the front of the chamber.  The chains around his ankles and wrists clinked together, and their noise echoed painfully off the marble walls, tiles, and high ceiling as we went.

Varian hated it.  All of it.

He hated the feeling of so many eyes boring into him as he passed before them, and he hated all the people behind those eyes.  He hated the feeling of Pete and Stan’s hands on his shoulders as they forced him onward.  He hated the chains that clung to him like metal snakes, weighing him down.  He hated the decadence of the lofty chamber with its purple banners and gold trim – the levity of colors and light only serving to mock his miserable state.  He hated not having his goggles or work apron on, leaving him feeling even more vulnerable than otherwise.  He hated not having Ruddiger at his side (the little creature having been left locked up in their holding cell until after his trial).  He hated the royal advisor, Nigel, who stood ramrod-straight to the side of the dais, and held a scroll in his hands.  Varian hated that scroll, and the list of charges it undoubtedly contained against him.  He hated the Captain of the Guard who stood dutifully to the opposite side of the dais, his hand resting vigilantly on the pommel of his sheathed sword as his eyes followed Varian to the front of the room.

Most of all, Varian hated the two figures that had yet to enter the chamber, though Varian glared daggers at their empty thrones as he was halted in front of them.

“If only…” the incredibly hostile side of Varian thought to himself upon seeing them as such…Though, in a most fleeting moment, Varian also felt a tiny shudder run down his spine at the idea of how it nearly had been what was now before him those few nights ago – the small part of his old self that still had a say in things feeling a sense of horror at the thought.

At what he had nearly-

“ALL RISE,” Nigel’s voice rang out, interrupting Varian’s thoughts and shoving that small voice inside of him back down into the depths of his soul as the door to the side of the throne room opened, and the crowd of people all rose to their feet behind him.  Varian tensed as he heard and felt their synchronized movements like a tidal wave of judgment threatening to break over him at his back.  “FOR THEIR MAJESTIES, KING FREDERIC AND QUEEN ARIANNA!”

As King Frederic and Queen Arianna entered into the court from one of the side doors, Varian had half a mind to sit down right in the middle of the floor out of spite, but Pete and Stan’s grip on his arms prevented him from doing so.  Varian’s eyes followed the king and queen as they went, and for a brief second Varian made eye contact with the queen.  As Varian’s steely, icy blue eyes peered out at her from the shadow behind his oily, ebony hair, Varian saw a wince flash across her face before she forced herself to quickly look away.

Had her expression been out of fear of him?  Out of pity for him?  Both?  Varian wasn’t sure, nor did he care.  He loathed it all in any event.

As the king and queen came to their thrones, the king bid everyone be seated, and Varian could feel the wave behind him come roaring back down again, feeling reality crash its way down over him in tandem.

“COURT IS NOW IN SESSION!” Nigel’s voice rang out again.  “HIS MAJESTY KING FREDERIC PRESIDING!”

Varian’s trial had now begun.

Opening up the scroll, Nigel stepped forward and cleared his throat.  “Varian, son of Quirin,” he began, Varian’s eyes casting down and his hands balling into fists in anguish at hearing his dear father’s name spoken aloud (and in that stupid fake accent).  “You are hereby charged with acts of trespassing, theft, sabotage, conspiracy, disturbance of the peace, avoiding arrest, deliberate destruction of both public and private property, blackmail, assault, illegal animal experimentation, breaking and entering, kidnapping, holding multiple persons hostage, attempted homicide, attempted regicide, and treason.  How do you plead?”

Varian could practically feel the air get sucked out of the room as everyone seemed to hold their breath, waiting for his answer.

…Varian kept silent.

“How do you plead?” Nigel repeated firmly.  Still Varian did not answer.  After a moment of full, awkward silence, the king finally made to speak.

“On behalf of the defendant,” he began, causing Varian to tense up even further as the blood boiled in his veins upon hearing his enemy’s voice.  “I as judge will offer a ‘not-guilty’ plea to the charges presented.”

“The court accepts,” Nigel replied, rolling the scroll back up in a flourish.  Varian frowned hard at the floor in front of him.  Despite how it may have sounded, he knew full well that the king didn’t actually believe him to be ‘not-guilty’ – quite the contrary of course – but it was standard procedure for a ‘not-guilty’ plea to be the default when a defendant refused to speak.  Varian didn’t know much about Corona law, but that much he knew.

“The court will now hear from the defense,” Nigel continued as he signaled for Pete and Stan to let go of Varian’s arms (though the two of them remained stationed close by his sides, ready at any moment to make a grab for him if need be).

“Varian, son of Quirin,” Nigel repeated, Varian’s eyes now turning to look at him with a sideways glare.  “The court will now hear your testimony.  Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

Varian’s eyes suddenly took on a faraway look as he heard those words.

“Promises…Promises!?  The TRUTH!?”

For anyone looking on, it was eerie to watch and to listen to what came next.

For a second, it almost looked as if Varian would only remain silent again.  But then, his face turned downward, his eyes shut tightly, as his shoulders began quivering.  Pete and Stan could hear a shaky intake of breath coming from him, and for a moment, it looked as if Varian was going to cry.  Queen Arianna already began to feel having to restrain herself from rushing forward to bring the boy into a motherly embrace as she saw it.  She knew such a thing would surely be against court procedure – and likely Varian would despise such contact – but O how she longed to comfort the clearly hurting child that stood before her (even after all that had happened)!  How badly she wanted to make things even only a little bit better for him, if only she could-!

But what it all actually came to made nearly all the warmth in Arianna’s heart run cold, and she couldn’t help but sit still as stone upon her throne in horror as the realization hit her.

Varian was not crying.  He was laughing.  A joyless, ironic, pained sound to be sure, but it was indeed laughing.  Perhaps there was a hint of a sob somewhere in it too, but Varian’s anger soon pushed it back down.

“Ha ha ha ha!”  Varian’s chuckles crescendoed, before rounding off with a huff of disbelief.   “Really!?” Varian finally burst out, his eyes turning up to glare at the royals, and the both of them feeling horribly pinned beneath the pure fury that held them there with an expression that swung between sneering and scowling.  “REALLY!?  You’re honestly asking ME to promise to tell the truth!?  Ha!  That’s REAL rich, coming from you!  Why don’t you ask yourselves that same question-!”

“None of that now!” the Captain of the Guard called out as Varian dared to take a small step forward in his outburst, and Pete and Stan made to resume their grip on the boy.  Disturbed mutterings and chatterings could be heard growing in the crowd behind them in response to Varian’s words and impudence.

“Everyone, please!” the king called above the din as he stood, everyone pausing and going silent in response.  Frederic swallowed hard, forcing his next few words to come out as Arianna looked up at him with deep concern in her eyes.  “The court has agreed to hear from the defendant.  Let him speak.”

With great reluctance, the Captain, Pete, and Stan stood down, and Varian jerked his arms out of their grasp, his chains clinking roughly together.

King Fredric sat back down.  “Varian,” he tried again, attempting to refocus the proceedings as Varian’s eyes met his own with a response of pure rage.  “You have been brought here before this court to answer for the charges brought against you.  Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

“…That depends,” Varian replied through clenched teeth.  “Do you?”

King Frederic’s eyes narrowed.  He knew this was going to be a hard trial, and he knew Varian wasn’t in his right mind, but he wasn’t expecting this.

“What do you mean by that, Varian?” he dared to ask.

Varian guffawed again in response.  “Oh honestly-!?  Please, let’s not carry on this farce any longer, your majesty!” Varian mockingly bowed for a second as he said it, Arianna wincing once again in response.  “You want the truth!?  Fine!  I’ll give you the truth!”  Varian’s voice grew louder as he carried on, his shrill voice echoing around the chamber (sounding almost foreign to his own ears, as all the words he had been storing up inside of him poured out in a verbal torrent that he hardly thought to stop).

“Yeah, I did all that stuff you said!  Yes!  Fine!  Boom, guilty as charged!  You can all go home now!  Congratulations Corona!  You caught the bad guy!  Case closed!  Problem solved!  Way to finally lock up that maniac who just needed to be gotten rid off after ignoring him didn’t work!  Oooh, but you so counted on that in the beginning didn’t you Fred!?”

King Frederic’s mustache twitched in anger at Varian’s casual address of him, but he held his temper and his tongue as the boy carried on.

“Yeah, if only everyone else had ignored the situation like you did!  If only we all had our own ivory towers that we could retreat to away from danger!  Then everything would be all right for you, wouldn’t it?  Well guess what!?  We don’t all have towers!  And it WASN’T all fine!”  Now Varian felt the first stirrings of his emotion beginning to break as he thought of what he was to say next.  But it was all right.  He knew he was right, and the first stitch had already been applied to the wound he scrambled to close as he went.

He continued applying the verbal sutures.  “The black rocks weren’t stopping, and Old Corona was being destroyed!  And my father! – Your friend! – He ended up paying the price for that!  For what you refused to do anything about!  For what your daughter brought upon the kingdom!  And-!”

“What would you have had me do, Varian!?” King Frederic now interrupted, angry that Varian would drag his daughter again into this.  “You know very well yourself that the black rocks couldn’t be cut!  And I gave your village more land to rebuild!  What else was I to do!  It was not within my power to-!”

“But it was within Rapunzel’s power, wasn’t it!?” Varian shouted back.  “You know it!  I know it!  We all saw it only the other day!  She was connected to the rocks the whole time!  She could’ve done something!  And you knew!  Oooooh no, but NO!  This was your daughter of course!  You couldn’t possibly risk her precious safety for the lives of dozens of villagers living on the outskirts!  Oh, but don’t worry your highness!  Your daughter learned better than you!  She knew better than to put hundreds of lives at risk for the sake of one person!  She made that very clear the night she had me thrown out of here after I came begging for her help – begging for her to help save my father from a disaster she started!  Oh, and before you ask if I went to find help elsewhere, of course I thought of that!  But then I find that apparently my begging had been mistaken for attacking!”

Here Nigel shifted uncomfortably in his corner by the dais.

“But good for you, your majesty!”  Varian gave a couple of slow claps.  “Good!  For!  You!  You played your cards well!  Your people are so loyal to you that they wouldn’t even dream of helping anyone who was rumored to have attacked your precious little girl!  Better safe than sorry though, am I right!?  That’s how it all runs around here, doesn’t it!  Never mind if you’re proven guilty or not!  It’s all arbitrary in the end isn’t it!?  With magic!  Nothing works according to the equation around here!  Nothing around here is fair!  Nothing-!”

Varian’s voice trailed away.  He paused, taking a few deep breathes as he found himself dizzy and winded after his long rant.  He staggered a little, but remained on his feet as Pete and Stan reached out and steadied him (though of course Varian felt no gratitude).  Varian swallowed hard, and when his voice came again it was no longer shouting, but the edge still very much there.  “Yeah,” Varian began again.  “I did all that stuff you said I did.  We all know it.  And no, I’m not sorry.  Why you may ask?  Well…” Varian sneered up at the king.  “I could ask you the exact…same…thing.”

Guilty.  Of course that had been the verdict.

Guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty…

The world echoed in Varian’s brain as he was escorted back to his holding cell in the palace dungeons.  He felt exhausted.  He felt sick – the horrible aftertaste of all his words burning in the back of his throat like bile as he staggered down the stone steps.

The trial had moved on of course, as only trials do in Corona.  With Varian’s unapologetic confession for his crimes, there was little need for witness testimony, though a few were heard nonetheless.  Varian had blocked them out as best as he could…but however hard he tried, he could not block out the sound of the queen’s voice as she had given her testimony.  He honestly didn’t remember a lot of what she actually said, but her tone had dripped with the courage and dignity of a true queen, yet also with all the gentleness and compassion of motherhood.

…And Varian had hated it.

Varian let his arms hang limp as the Captain removed his handcuffs from him, and after taking off his shackles the door was shut and locked behind him.  No one would be coming by again until morning.

Then, silence.

Varian stood in the middle of his cell, utterly despondent as the light of a waning moon streamed in from the barred window.  Cautiously, Ruddiger made his way out from where he had been curled up underneath Varian’s cot to the side, alerting Varian to his presence with a few soft cooing noises.

“…H-how did it go?” Ruddiger attempted to ask through his soft chitterings.  Varian looked down at him for a moment (though his eyes almost left the impression of looking through Ruddiger as opposed to actually seeing him), and then Varian walked a few paces more to where he leaned a tired shoulder against the wall.

At that, the dam broke.

Varian didn’t even bother trying to stop it as the tears and sobs came pouring out of him almost right away, and that tiny voice he had shut away those many hours ago broke back through with a vengeance.  It brought no words with it this time, but only a need to release the heartbreak that burned like acid in his chest.  Leaning back against the wall, Varian sunk his way down into a miserable ball on the floor, burying his face in his arms as he cried in agony, and his brain reeling as the reality of it all began to hit him.

This was it.  He had truly hit rock bottom.

Varian wasn’t sure how long he had been sobbing on the floor, but presently, he wrapped his arms around himself as he suddenly felt how chilled he had become.  He wouldn’t be surprised if he were coming down with some sort of fever after everything.  But what did it all matter anymore anyway?  Why should he bother to-?

Varian’s thoughts were again interrupted that day as he now heard the sound of cloth being dragged across the floor.  Wiping the tears from his eyes for a better look, Varian saw Ruddiger dragging one of the blankets from his cot across the floor, and presently began to pull it over his master’s quivering form.  This done, Ruddiger then brought his face up to Varian’s, wiping away his remaining tears with his forepaws, and giving Varian a few quick snuffly raccoon kisses on his forehead.  “It’s ok,” he seemed to be trying to say.  “I’m here!  It’ll be all right!  I’m with you!  Don’t cry!”

Varian let a few more tears fall in grateful response, Ruddiger wiping them up as Varian pulled him in closer, burying his face in his friend’s fur.

“So, it’s come to this,” Varian thought both gratefully and pitifully.  “I’ve sunk so low I have to be mothered by a raccoon.”

A few minutes later, Varian felt himself beginning to fall into unconsciousness, hugging Ruddiger close as he made to fall into the dark embrace of the first night out of what was to be a long five years-worth for him.  And what about after that?

He felt numb.  He felt hopeless.

Or perhaps…nearly hopeless.

“Please,” Varian found that small voice in himself weakly praying in his mind as sleep took him.  “Please…someone…help me!...”

Xavier stared hard at the fire burning in the hearth, the cup of tea he had made for himself sitting cold and untouched as he rested his chin on his hands clasped in front of him, the blacksmith’s mind deep in thought.  Xavier could hardly believe what he had witnessed during the trial that day.  He could hardly believe that so much bitterness and hatred could be present in so young a person as Varian.

“…What happened to you?” was all the blacksmith could think in grief and bewilderment for the boy as he thought back to what he had seen and heard from him that day.  Of course, on one level, Xavier knew perfectly well what had happened to Varian.  Everyone in the kingdom knew about it.

But…something was still missing.

Xavier couldn’t put his finger on it, but something about the whole thing just didn’t feel complete.

“Why?”  The question had been left hanging at the end of Varian’s testimony…and it was a question no one else seemed to be asking.

Xavier cringed as he recalled what he had heard people saying around him as the court had adjourned that evening.

“Can you believe that?” one lady had said.  “The nerve of that child!  I would’ve thought Quirin would’ve raised a more well-behaved son.”

“Yes.  Poor fellow,” a man had replied in response.  “Though even before this whole thing with these horrid black rocks, I had heard that it was all Quirin could do to prevent the boy from destroying Old Corona long before such a disaster came.”

“That’s because of all the witchcraft the he dealt with!” a frightened voice had piped up next to Xavier.

“It wasn’t witchcraft you fool!” another voice interjected a few feet away.  “Everybody knows the boy was a wizard!  NOT a witch!”

“My cousin in Old Corona once told me that it was alchemy.”

“Alchemy?  What’s that?  Sounds like a kind of witchcraft to me!”

“No, alchemy is a science.  At least, that’s what the kid told everyone.”

“Yeah.  He probably told them that so he could go on making his brews and creating his spells to make his monsters and living metal men in secret!”

“Oh come on!  That part has got to be exaggerated!”

“But the witnesses all said it was true!  Oh!  Hey!  If you don’t believe me, we could go over to Old Corona and you can see for yourself!  I’ve heard a whole bunch of his metal soldiers still sit there impaled by the black rocks that the princess used to defeat him.”

“No way!  I’m not going anywhere near that place-!”

Most of the conversations Xavier had overheard went something along those lines, and it broke his heart.  Xavier didn’t know Varian very well, but he had seen the boy a few times before today, and he could hardly believe that such an excitable, energetic, and sweet child could’ve made such a drastic turn as that.  Perhaps most people chalked it up to what Varian had spouted on about earlier, or perhaps a sort of displaced anger in the face of an accident tied to the princess.  But Xavier wasn’t convinced.

Again, something was missing…But how to go finding out about it?

Finding out?

Xavier rubbed his hands over his eyes, really questioning where his mind was going as he came back to himself.  “Really now Xavier ol’ boy,” he muttered to himself, attempting to be practical.  “Remember what happened the last time you tried to help in matters like these?  What a disaster that had been.”

And it truly it had been.  Of course Xavier had found out shortly after that most peculiar day (the one with the whole debacle with his mood potion) that Varian had used a modified version of his elixir for his own schemes.  And what even greater disasters came from that.  Best then for the blacksmith to not try to stick his oar in again if he-

Xavier suddenly sat upright as it hit him like a thunderclap.  “My potion!” he thought to himself with a sour jerk of sick guilt.

Oh no…

Whether Xavier liked it or not, he been an unwitting agent for furthering Varian’s crimes.  In fact, you could even say that it was Xavier’s small potion that proved to be the point from which Varian’s whole revenge scheme was able to start from in the first place.

Varian may have been the one to start the fire, but Xavier had given him the matchbox.

…What to do then now?  Perhaps Xavier was old-fashioned that way, but he felt convinced that given this knowledge was now obligated by honor to try to rectify what he had done.

To the kingdom…to Quirin…

To Varian…

“Well…” Xavier thought aloud, an idea beginning to form in his head as he stood up and walked over to the nearby table, grabbing some paper and ink as he did so.  “Perhaps there is one thing I could do on that front…”

With that, Xavier began to compose his letter.

“Attn: The Royal Advisor Nigel, by urgent request

To their majesties King Frederic and Queen Arianna,

Greetings.  If quite agreeable to you both, I would like to request an audience at your earliest possible convenience.  I have a proposition I would like to make…”

[squbaby-blog]

Inside Kurt Cobain's Final Days Before His Suicide The Nirvana rocker was in a downward spiral that led to his death on April 5, 1994. BRAD WITTERMAR 27, 2019

Kurt Cobain crowd surfing at a Nirvana concert in GermanyPhoto: Paul Bergen/RedfernsKurt Cobain crowd surfing at a Nirvana concert in GermanyPhoto: Paul Bergen/RedfernsNirvana frontman Kurt Cobain’s close friend, Mark Lanegan, hadn’t heard from the rocker for about a week in April 1994 when he began to fear the worst. “Kurt hadn’t called me,” he told Rolling Stone later that year. “He hadn’t called some other people. He hadn’t called his family. He hadn’t called anybody... I had a feeling that something real bad had happened.”

Lanegan’s intuition proved to be correct. On the morning of April 8, an electrician found 27-year-old Cobain dead of an apparent suicide in a greenhouse above the garage of his Seattle home. According to Rolling Stone, a 20-gauge shotgun was lying across his chest, and, as a medical examiner’s report later revealed, Cobain, who had already been dead two and a half days at that point, had a high concentration of heroin and traces of Valium in his bloodstream. The magazine also reported that he was identifiable only by his fingerprints.

Cobain wanted to quit Nirvana

Because he had been missing for six days prior to his dead body being discovered, many tried to piece together the last days of Cobain’s life. By all accounts, he had already been in a downward spiral for years before he died, battling depression and chronic drug addiction. In an interview with MTV, Cobain’s wife, Courtney Love, claimed that not long before her husband’s suicide, he told her that he hated being in Nirvana and couldn’t play with them anymore and only wanted to work with R.E.M.’s Michael Stipe. All things considered, his loved ones’ alarm reached a fever pitch.

Kurt Cobain crowd surfing at a Nirvana concert in Germany

Photo: Paul Bergen/Redferns

His loved ones staged an intervention

In fact, following Cobain’s failed suicide attempt in March 1994, Love, along with several of his friends and bandmates, enlisted the help of intervention counselor Steven Chatoff. “They called me to see what could be done,” Chatoff explained to Rolling Stone. “He was using, up in Seattle. He was in full denial. It was very chaotic. And they were in fear for his life. It was a crisis.”

In late March, Love, Nirvana’s Krist Novoselic and Pat Smear, along with several other friends went through with staging an intervention at Cobain’s home. During the meeting, Love reportedly threatened to leave Cobain, with whom she shared daughter Frances Bean, and his band also issued an ultimatum of breaking up the band, should he not agree to seek treatment at a rehabilitation facility.

Cobain bought a shotgun six days before using it to kill himself

Several days later, Cobain would do just that, but first, he paid a visit to pal Dylan Carlson, who also participated in the aforementioned intervention, at his Seattle home on March 30. Citing problems with trespassers on his property, Cobain asked for help securing a firearm. “He seemed normal, we’d been talking,” Carlson later said. “Plus, I’d loaned him guns before.”

Per Carlson, Cobain gave him about $300 to buy a 20-gauge shotgun and a box of ammunition from Stan’s Gun Shop. Knowing that Cobain was about to depart for treatment near Los Angeles, Carlson said that his friend’s need for the purchase did give him pause: “It seemed kind of weird that he was buying the shotgun before he was leaving. So I offered to hold on to it until he got back.”

Cobain, however, insisted on keeping the weapon himself, and, according to police, he likely dropped off the gun at his home before traveling to Exodus Recovery Center in Marina del Rey, California, later that day.

He spent two days in rehab before fleeing the treatment center

On April 1, Cobain phoned Love with a cryptic message. According to an account, the Hole frontwoman gave a local Seattle newspaper, he said, in part, “Just remember no matter what, I love you.” Later that night — after spending just two days in rehab — staffers said he alerted them that he was stepping out to smoke a cigarette on the patio. Love explained that’s when he allegedly jumped over a more than six-feet-high brick wall and disappeared.

Police suspect he flew back to Seattle where he spent his final days wandering, with neighbors claiming to have spotted an ill-looking Cobain in a park near his home dressed in a heavy coat, which they deemed inappropriate for the April weather. Others have suggested he may have spent a night with an unidentified friend at his nearby summer home.

Kurt Cobain's suicide note

An electrician discovered Cobain's body more than two days after he shot himself

By April 5, however, law enforcement officials believe Cobain had barricaded himself inside the greenhouse where an electrician who came to the home to install a security system discovered his body, days later. Love later recounted to MTV that after taking drugs, Cobain used the shotgun Carlson had helped him purchase days earlier to shoot himself in the head, thus ending his short life. She also said that her husband left a note in red ink that she read from at a Seattle memorial service.

The loss of the talented musician remained unimaginable for his adoring fans, as well as all of those who knew him personally. "I remember the day after that I woke up and I was heartbroken that he was gone,” Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl later recalled. "I just felt like, 'Okay, so I get to wake up today and have another day and he doesn't.'"

[billowsandbreeze]

5-10 for salty asks >:3

5.)Has fandom ever ruined a pairing for you?*

Oh, boy, has it! I reentered the world of writing fanfic and participating in fandom after a ten year hiatus, because I fell in love with the world of Dragon Age, and, more specifically, wanted to write about my Lavellan and S*las. However, after two years and the shitshow that was Trespasser and its subsequent stanning in fandom, I can no longer enjoy that pairing. I like S*las as a villain. I like where he can go as this really fucked up character who thinks he’s doing the right thing. But I cannot stand how his fans have turned him into this noble sacrificing romantic anti-hero, building memorials to his victims as an atonement for his guilt, and shipping their OCs with him for the angsty Feels. I think it can be done well, and he’s an interesting character, but the fandom has ruined him and the pairing for me completely. And I honestly don’t think Weekes will be much better with it.

6.)Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?*

I don’t think there have been any pairings that I’ve actively hated that fandom has made me see differently, but I do like seeing how fandom treats rarepairs, because usually those are the people who really look into characterization and think things through to make plots and pairings work. Fandom has definitely given me new perspectives on Samson, Loghain, Anora, Velanna, Briala, and my fav Abelas.

7.)Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?*

Way back when I was 18 or so, I was in love with student/teacher type pairings. I had a crush on my professor in college, and I dated a man who was a lot older than me. I thought I was one of those “mature for her age” girls. So, I saw no problem with that dynamic. However, as a 31 year old now, I absolutely cringe at those sort of huge age and power imbalances. It’s one of the reasons why I have such a hard time with Ryder and older character pairings (Evfra, Kandros, etc...) because canonically, they are only 22 and that’s so young! Same with really young Inquisitors paired with S*las.

8.)Have you received anon hate? What about?*

Never received any and have never sent any. I think it’s a pretty cowardly way to rage at someone, but we all have bad days and immature moments. If I have a grievance I either talk to someone privately or deem it not worth my time and not interact with them at all (and vent privately to friends to try to cool off). I’m always open to mature disagreements and discussions, but straight up hate, I’d probably just delete.

9.)Most disliked character(s)? Why?

Discounting the way fandom makes me feel about any character, I’d probably say my least liked character is Oghren, if only for how they went about his story in Awakening. I didn’t mind him so much in Origins, but Awakening really ruined him for me with how Bioware treated his story and used his drinking for comedic relief.

10.)Most disliked arc? Why?

Violence against women. It feels like lazy writing and a cheap way to throw in some angst and pain and grimdark feels. For example, the city elf origin. See also, Leandra in DA2 (I had to put the game down for a while after that). Any and all examples of fridging to drive a male character’s story forward.