#To give a very brief explanation to those who might not know:

[captain-space-kin]

”But Llorumi is basically incest-” Y’all would not have survived Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012), the show with actual incest in it.

[nostalgicnarrator]

Outlaws and Lawmen

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Word Count: 5311

Parings: Thorn X Bilbo

Description:

Throin Oakenshield, law man, finds himself facing an outlaw, the likes of which he’s never seen before.

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1 / 2 / 2.5 / 3

⚠️Warning⚠️

Brief mention of extreme violence. Gun fights and death.



Note:

Listen, I don’t know what to tell you except I really wanted to write this for whatever reason. I was inspired, mostly by @shurikthereject and more specifically this post, and this post by them. Go give them love please if you haven’t already. Have fun and tell me if I messed up.

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The sun was just beginning to rise over the small, dusty town of Ered, casting long shadows on the wooden buildings that lined the main streets.

The cool breeze rolled through the growing town, it carried familiar scents of leather, horses, and the distant aroma of freshly baked bread.

Thorin Oakenshield, the town’s sheriff, adjusted his hat and took a deep breath, savoring the calmness of the early hour.

Thorin’s family had long been intertwined with the law, a legacy stretching back further than he or the rest of the town could really remember.

His father and grandfather before him had both worn the very badge now clipped to his chest.

though they were not the only to carve their own legends into the town, they were the only ones who’s legends lined with mystery’s.

His grandfather had been one of the most revered sheriffs the town had ever known, a man who brought order with a steady hand and an unyielding sense of justice.

But he had not been as invincible as he pretended. He’d upset the wrong people, his throat slit in the dead of night, his body found cold and lifeless in the alley behind what was now Bombur’s saloon.

No one had ever discovered who was responsible. The killer’s identity became the stuff of ghost stories whispered around campfires, a shadow in the town’s memory, known only as “The defiler.”

Thorin’s father fared no better. He vanished without a trace while leading a posse into the hills, chasing after, well Thorin didn’t know.

What he did know was that his father’s badge showed up and left in Thorin’s home, there was no explanation,

And as the weeks turned into months, Thorin's hope dwindled to a painful acceptance. His father was assumed dead, claimed by the wilds or worse.

Left with little choice, and after a little convincing, Thorin took the badge. He was allowed to wear it and wore it he did, making him one of the youngest sheriffs in the territory.

Now, it was his turn to uphold the family honor in a town that seemed forever on the brink of the unexpected. Ered had always attracted the strange and the dangerous, and lately, there’d been no shortage of both.

The sudden influx of outlaws had become increasingly frustrating, bands of desperados and renegades testing their resolve, pushing at the edges of the peace Thorin strived for.

Thorin, by now, had dealt with his fair share of trouble. He’d faced down outlaws who thought his town was an easy mark, stood toe-to-toe with gunmen who underestimated him, and outsmarted those who tried to outgun him.

His reputation grew quickly and he was known as the quickest draw and for having a sharp mind, at least when it came to dealing with outlaws.

His name began to spread beyond Ered, most rumors of him were just that; rumors. but if the whispers in saloons and campfires across the state helped in keeping his town safe he didn’t mind.

Most were overly dramatic stories, some being entirely false and others just being exaggerated. But said stories were enough to make some think twice about causing trouble in his town.

Before that, Ered was just another dot on the map. But it quickly became known as Thorin Oakenshield’s town.

A place where the law was upheld not just by the sheriff’s badge, but by the man who wore it. Outlaws might ride into other towns to cause trouble, but not here. Not under Thorin’s watch.

Still, even as he took in the quiet morning, a familiar tension settled in his gut. The calm wouldn’t last; it never did. And today felt like one of those days when trouble was bound to find its way to his door.

And even as Thorin strode down the main street, nodding to or saying hello to the townspeople who greeted him, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was brewing.

The air seemed thicker today, the shadows just a bit darker. He greeted his deputy, Dwalin, as he stepped inside the sheriff’s office.

“Mornin’, Thorin,” Dwalin grunted, adjusting his gun belt. His face, usually calm, held a hint of tension.

“Morning, Dwalin… Feels like a strange day, doesn’t it?” Thorin replied.

Dwalin nodded. “Aye, it does. Maybe it’s the storm coming in from the east, but I’ve got a feelin’…”

Thorin chuckled. “You always have a feeling, Dwalin. Let’s hope it's just the weather this time.”

But deep down, Thorin knew better than to ignore his instincts or those of his deputy. On more than one occasion either had been provided right.

And if they were both feeling it, then something really bad might just happen. Before he could dwell on it anymore, Bofur, the always cheerful owner of the general store, came through the door.

“Sheriff! Morning!” Bofur called, his usual grin tight fake, it seemed out of place on his usually jovial face.

Thorin nodded and made his way over. “Why mornin’ Bofur, everything alright?”

“Well, …no sheriff, It’s my cousin. I’ve been trying to get him help and, well he’s out on his own again.”

Thorin sighed. Bifur, maybe this is what his gut was so upset about. Bifur had lost his mind a few years ago after an accident.

The old prospector was a kind fellow most days but, when he got to wondering, there was no telling.

Bifur often wandered off into the hills, he never got much farther than that. “Alright, I’ll go check on him. Might be good to get out of town for a bit.” Throin patted Bofur on the back.

“Thank ya sheriff, send him to my general store or to my brothers saloon.”

Dwalin gave him a nod as they quickly gathered their stuff. Thorin was first to mount his horse, setting off towards the hills.

The wind picked up as dark clouds gathered on the horizon. He didn’t like leaving town with a feeling like this hanging in the air, but Bofur’s cousin needed checking on, and that was that.

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The midday sun hung high over Ered, casting its relentless heat down onto the dirt streets. A breeze brushed through the town making trees rustle kindly.

The townsfolk moved about their business; women chatting outside the general store, children running past the schoolhouse, and a few men lounged outside Bombur's saloon.

Then, a low rumble of hooves sounded in the distance, growing louder as they approached. Heads turned, eyes narrowing against the glare to see a group of riders on the horizon.

At the head of the pack was a man with a dark brown hat, caramel colored curls wearing a green shirt and a dark poncho around his shoulders. A white bandanna covered his face nicely.

Not everyone could immediately recognize the leader, but the few that did knew him as Bilbo Baggins, the outlaw.

He was a new name to the outlaws list, steadily climbing the wanted list, now he sits near the top, he’d robbed banks, and towns. He’s known to be armed and dangerous.

He never misses, he hasn't ever each time he’s shot a gun. Bilbo rode in with a confidence that would send a chill down the spine of any onlooker.

Three other men rode behind him, all armed and faces hidden behind masks of different colors and patterns.

Beside Bilbo was his right hand man, no name was ever given to the man, and none ever will. He always wore a purple shirt with a dark bandanna around his face and a black hat blocking the rest.

Bilbo’s right hand man was known as a wiry man with a wicked glint in his eye, he seemed to scan the buildings with sharp interest, his fingers twitching near the revolver at his side.

The riders came to a stop in the middle of the street, kicking up clouds of dust. Bilbo’s eyes swept over the faces that stared back at him.

There were wide-eyed women who clutched their children tightly, men tensing up, hands edging closer to their gun belts if they had one. He chuckled under his breath.

“Good afternoon, folks!” Bilbo called out lazily, he looked relaxed and calm. “How’s everyone doin’? Ain’t it just a lovely day? Be a damn shame if somethin’ were to spoil it.”

A murmur rippled through the crowd. The tension in the air was thick, almost like a coiled spring ready to snap. Someone had the nerve to draw and before the man could fully raise his hand a shot rang out.

The man dropped his gun and held his now bleeding hand to himself. Bilbos right hand man had his gun pointed at the idiot who thought it was a good idea to grab his gun.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you… see my partner here, he’s got an itchy finger.” Bilbo chuckled softly.

At the edge of the crowd, Dís stood with her sons, Fíli and Kíli. Her instincts told her to fight, keep her children safe. And she desperately wanted to listen to it.

But she couldn’t, not without getting someone killed. She held her sons back as they stepped forward, their own hands reaching for their guns.

With a gentle squeeze on their shoulders she got their attention “Stay calm,” she whispered to them, her eyes never leaving Bilbo.

Bilbo swung off his horse, strolling leisurely towards the bank. He nodded to Glóin as he stepped outside.

Bilbo’s gang slowly followed, spreading out behind him. “Now, I’m not here to hurt anyone,” Bilbo continued. “At least, not if I don’t have to. But my boys and I, we’re in need of some funds, and I’m sure your good banker here won’t mind making a generous donation.”

Glóin stepped forward, his face pale but not scared. “You won’t get away with this,” he said, his voice steadier than he felt.

Bilbo laughed, a sound that made the townsfolk flinch. The laugh was too sweet for what was happening. “Oh, I think I will. See, I’ve got more men hidden around your little town- rooftops, alleys, you name it. You make a move, and they’ll turn this place into a shooting gallery.”

A wave of fear swept through the crowd. They glanced nervously at the rooftops and shadows, imagining invisible gunmen lurking there, ready to unleash hell.

Fíli and Kíli tensed beside their mother, their eyes flicking towards the distant hills where their uncle had ridden not long ago. They needed to get him, now.

Dís felt the tremor of fear in her sons, and in that moment, she made a decision. She tilted her head towards Fíli and whispered urgently, “Fíli, you and Kíli go. Ride fast, find your uncle, bring him back.”

Fíli hesitated, his eyes wide. “But, Ma-”

“Go!” she hissed, “I’ll handle this!”

Before the boys could argue further, Dís stepped forward, raising her hands high. “Wait! Wait!” she shouted, drawing all eyes, including Bilbo’s, to her.

Bilbo cocked his head, curiosity piqued. “Howdy ma’am, pleasure to meet ya, who might you be?”

Dís forced a smile, stepping into the open. “Just a mother, hoping to keep her children safe,” she said, voice steady even as her heart raced. “You say you’re not here to hurt anyone- then prove it. Let these people go about their day. You want money? Take it and leave.”

Bilbo’s grin widened. He sauntered closer, he began to prowl around her. “Now, now, that’s quite a proposal. So what makes you think you can negotiate with me?”

“Because, I know you’re bluffing,” Dís said, her eyes blazing with a defiant spark. “If you had as many men as you say, you wouldn’t need to make threats. You’d have already started shooting.”

A hush fell over the street. For a moment, even Bilbo looked surprised, caught off guard. Behind Dís, Fíli and Kíli took the chance to slip away, moving silently through the crowd, unnoticed by the gang members whose focus was entirely on their mother.

Bilbo glared at her and pointed up behind her to a rooftop where a gunman was, he had a shotgun aimed at her “are you sure…? My dear you seemed to have misjudged.”

Dís glared back “one extra gunner-“ Bilbo points at another on the bell tower of the church. “Two then, show me another and I’ll believe you.”

Bilbo’s smile slowly faded. “You’re a sharp one, ain’t you?” he said, his tone darkening. “Maybe too sharp for your own good.”

Dís’s heart pounded, but she held her ground, she pulls give her sons all the precious seconds they needed, no matter what.

Fíli and Kíli had at that point reached the edge of town, a horse waited for them. Without a word, they mounted and Fíli spurred it into a gallop, racing towards the hills.

Bilbo’s eyes flicked to the fleeing boys just as they vanished from sight. His smile returned. “Looks like we’re gonna have some fun after all.”

He turned back to his men. “Inside the bank!” he barked. “And make it quick. We’ve got company coming.”

The gang moved into action, shoving Glóin into the building as they went inside the bank. He protested loudly. Loud enough to still hear him outside.

Dís watched as her sons disappeared over the ridge, a silent prayer on her lips that they would reach Thorin in time.

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The hills outside Ered were grassy and scattered rocks, with the occasional stubborn tree jutting its way up.

Thorin and Dwalin had their horses trotting along slowly, scanning for any sign of Bifur. The old prospector had a habit of wandering off into the wilderness, especially after his accident.

The poor man had a hatchet stuck in his head, Óin says it’s a miracle that he could even still walk. Bifur’s mind seemed lost most days, chasing shadows only he could see.

“There,” Dwalin grunted, pointing ahead with a nod. A figure sat on a rocky outcrop, silhouetted against the bright sky. It was Bifur.

He looked as wild as he always does, muttering to himself as he gazed into the distance. Thorin began to wonder if he was lucid enough to sign.

Thorin and Dwalin swong themselves from their horses and approached cautiously, not wanting to startle Bifur.

As they drew closer, Thorin could make out Bifur’s soft mumbling. He was rattling off gibberish nonsense that always seemed to only make sense to him.

“Bifur,” Thorin called gently, stopping a few paces away. “It’s Thorin. Bofur sent me, your cousin? He’s worried about you.”

Bifur turned slowly, his eyes wide and unfocused. For a moment, he didn’t seem to recognize Thorin, his gaze flicking between the sheriff and the deputy beside him.

Thorin took another step closer to Bifur, his hands went up when the prospector, stepped away as if to run. Then, a spark of recognition lit in Bifur’s eyes, and his face softened.

“Thorin” Bifur signed and Thorin let out a sigh of relief, nodding slowly as the prospector’s hands moved silently. “I know you.”

Thorin smiled, trying to keep his tone light. “Yes, you do. And you know Bofur and Bombur too. They’re worried about you, Bifur. They want you to come back to town with us.”

Bifur shook his head, his brows notched together as his hands moved warily. “Can’t go back. The Shadows there. Always watching… waiting.”

Dwalin stepped forward, his voice was softer than normal. “It’s alright Bifur. We’ll help you get back safe.”

Bifur’s eyes darted around, scanning the horizon as if expecting something to emerge from the rocks. “You don’t see them,” he signed with quick movements. “The dead won’t stay dead, the shadows walk like men there.”

Thorin glanced at Dwalin, who gave a slight nod. They had to handle this carefully. Bifur was not dangerous, but he was unpredictable, and the last thing they wanted was to spook him further.

“Listen, Bifur,” Thorin said softly, crouching down to meet Bifur’s gaze directly. “Why don’t you come down from that rock and whatever you’re seeing, whatever you’re feeling, we can talk about it back in town.”

Bifur looked at Thorin more now and then to Dwalin, he took a step back away, both men showed their hands to him, “Bifur, out here, you’re exposed. It’s not safe. Let’s get you back to your family. To Bofur and Bombur. They miss you.” Dwalin offered with a kinder tone.

Bifur hesitated, He glanced at the hills behind him, then back at Thorin and Dwalin. He started down off the rocks, slowly moving to Thorin.

Thorin smiled, relief washing over him. “Good man, Bifur. We’ll take it nice and slow. Just follow us.”

They helped Bifur when he got closer, guiding him back to the horses. The man was unsteady, his eyes still darting about as if expecting to see the phantoms that haunted his mind. But with each step, he seemed to calm a little more.

Thorin and Dwalin exchanged a glance, Bifur had once been a kind fellow, not that he wasn’t now and not that he didn’t seem to have moments of clarity,

There was a time where Thorin wondered if the person who slit his grandfather’s throat was the same person who tried to bash Bifur’s skull in with a hatchet.

The sound of galloping hooves drew Thorin back to the present. He turned, spotting two riders approaching at breakneck speed.

His hand instinctively went to the gun at his hip, ready for anything. As the riders drew closer, he recognized their faces. He found himself hurrying a little closer.

It was his nephews. Thorin’s heart clenched with worry as he glanced back toward the town. Something was wrong.

“Uncle Thorin!” Fíli shouted as he and Kíli threw themselves from their horse, scrambling over to him, panic etched on their faces. “You need to come back! The town- there’s an outlaw!”

“Said his name is Bilbo Boggins!” Kíli added breathlessly.

“No, no! It was definitely Baggins!” Fíli corrected, his voice trembling.

Thorin’s heart tightened. Bilbo Baggins, the name was as infamous as it was unexpected. He knew what the name meant.

Thorin felt a wave of dizziness wash over him as he glanced at Dwalin, whose expression mirrored his own horror and panic.

“What’s he doing?” Thorin demanded, trying to steady his voice. He pushed Bifur to Fíli.

Kíli caught his breath. “He’s holding the town hostage. Says he’s got a dozen men hidden around. Mom distracted him so we could get away, Uncle!”

Thorin’s heart sank, then shattered at the thought of his sister risking herself. He wouldn’t lose her too. He wouldn’t let his nephews lose their mother.

He turned to Dwalin. “Mount up,” he ordered, already moving towards his horse. “Fíli, stay with Bifur. If you follow then keep a safe distance behind us and get him back to Bofur and Bombur if you can manage. Stay safe, both of you.”

Fíli nodded, though his eyes were wide and worried. Kíli grabbed his uncle’s pant leg, not ready to let him go. “What about you, Uncle?”

Thorin’s face hardened. “I’m going to deal with our new visitor.” With that, he spurred his horse forward, “Let’s go!” he shouted to Dwalin, who fell beside him.

They raced back towards Ered, the peaceful morning had now become a distant memory.

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By the time they reached the edge of town, Thorin could still see some of the townspeople. Most had been ushered into the general store and the doors were blocked and bard closed.

The rest were tied up and left in front of the store. And Dís was one of them. Two men were at the entrance of the bank guns drawn, one called into the bank as Thorin showed.

After a moment the doors slammed open and there stood Bilbo Baggins, his face covered by a white bandanna , his right hand man stepped out beside him, his face also covered.

“Thorin Oakenshield,” Bilbo called out, his voice carrying over the din. “I’ve heard of you. The scary lawman turned legend. Some say you can never miss a shot.”

Thorin slid off his horse, Dwalin followed suit quickly, his hands hovering towards his gun. Even though Bilbo’s face was covered, Thorin could see the playful grin underneath it.

Then the first shot rang out, sharp and echoing across the town square, shattering the fragile stillness. Dwalin had fired at Bilbo, but he missed.

Bilbo huffed and shot back, his men soon followed his lead. Instinctively, Thorin and Dwalin ducked behind a water trough, bullets whizzing past them.

"Dwalin! Really? No negotiation?!" Thorin shouted over the din, gripping his revolver tightly.

Dwalin shrugged beside him, wincing as a bullet ricocheted off the edge of the trough, splintering the wood. “I had 'em, the sun just got in my eye…”

“Uh huh, sure.” Throin huffed, he ducked down lowered as his hat got blasted off. “Aww man, I like that hat…”

Dwalin huffed a chuckle at Throin and shook his head before popping up a bit and trying to shoot back.

Throin had to push Dwalin back down when a bullet narrowly avoided hitting Dwalin in the head. “keep your head down!”

Bilbo Baggins chuckled, his voice unnervingly calm amidst the gunfire. "Come on, Oakenshield! You've got quite the reputation. Show me what you've got!"

Thorin clenched his jaw, peering around the edge of the trough. Bilbo stood confidently in the middle of the street, a few of his men taking cover now behind wagons and barrels.

Thorin saw his chance, one of Bilbo's outlaws leaned out too far, aiming a shot at him from the roof from across the street. The outlaw fell from the roof, clutching his chest.

He squeezed the trigger, and the man dropped, his body crumpling to the ground.

"That's one," Thorin muttered under his breath. He moved swiftly, signaling to Dwalin to cover him as he darted to the side of a building.

Bilbo chuckled. "Ooh, nice shot! You keep that up, and I might have to start taking you seriously." Thorin's jaw tightened, but he kept his focus.

Another outlaw shot at him from a wagon. He lined up the shot, cocked his gun's hammer and squeezed the trigger again.

"Two," Thorin counted. He had to duck out of the way as a bullet ricocheted off the wall he was hiding behind.

Bilbo clapped his hands in mock applause. "Oh, very good, very good! But you're still outnumbered, Sheriff. How many bullets you got left? Think you can take us all?"

Throin growled, stepped out and shot at Bilbo, the outlaw just barely avoided the shot as he ducked behind a wall, his right hand man followed him quickly.

Dwalin glanced over at Thorin, Dwalin huffed and shot at them making one of the outlaws that was about to shoot Thorin duck back behind his cover and miss.

Throin slipped back where he was before, Dwalin soon joined him behind the wall. "He's trying to rile you up, don't let him get to you!" Thorin nodded, but he could feel the frustration bubbling up.

Bilbo's voice was like an itch he couldn't scratch, each word dripping with amusement. He huffed and shot across again behind a wagon after a moment Dwalin moved to fallow.

An outlaw popped up from nowhere with a rifle, aiming at Dwalin as the man ran. Thorin fired first, and the outlaw’s head snapped back as he fell to the ground.

"Three," Thorin called out through gritted teeth.

"Now, now," Bilbo chided, his tone mockingly sweet. "You're making this really boring for my boys. Can't you give them a bit of a chance?"

"You want a chance, Baggins?" Thorin shot back, his patience wearing thin. "Tell your men to lay down their guns and come quietly. Otherwise, I'll make sure you're the last man standing."

Bilbo laughed, a light, easy sound that grated on Thorin's nerves. "Well, I'm sure I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a schedule to keep."

Another outlaw shifted, trying to take advantage of Bilbo's distraction. Thorin whipped around and fired, hitting the man square in the chest.

The outlaw fell back with a grunt, his gun clattering to the ground. "Four," Thorin called.

His reputation wasn't a game, but Bilbo treated it like it was. Bilbo's smile wavered slightly but didn’t fall. "Well, well! That's four of mine down. But who's counting, right?" He winked, his eyes dancing with mischief.

Thorin's patience snapped. "I am," he growled, Throin sprung up and stood on top of the wagon, and an outlaw popped up to shoot.

Throin nailed him in the head. The last outlaw dropped, leaving only Bilbo and his right-hand man, both still standing. “That’s five Baggins! Wanna make it 7?”

Bilbo stepped out, his grin strained beneath his bandanna. “Oh, you are fun, Sheriff. But now it’s just me and my friend here. And we’re not nearly as expendable.” As if on cue, Bilbo’s right-hand man lunged toward Thorin, a rifle clutched in his hands.

Before Thorin could react, the man crashed into him, both of them tumbling off the wagon and onto the dusty ground. The impact jolted Thorin’s breath from his lungs, and he fought to regain his footing as they rolled across the dirt. The rifle clattered out of the man’s hands, skidding across the ground, out of reach.

Thorin twisted, driving his elbow into the man’s ribs. The outlaw grunted in pain, his grip loosening just enough for Thorin to shove him off. Thorin scrambled to his feet, reaching for his revolver, but the outlaw was already up, tackling Thorin again before he could grab it.

They grappled in the dirt, exchanging blows, each trying to overpower the other. Thorin’s hand brushed the handle of his gun, but the man yanked him back, forcing him to focus on the struggle. They wrestled for control, boots kicking up dust as they struggled on the ground.

With a sharp twist, Thorin managed to throw the man off balance, sending him crashing into the side of the wagon. The outlaw groaned, shaking his head to clear it, while Thorin lunged for his gun, fingers closing around the cool metal.

But just as he did, the outlaw grabbed his rifle from where it had fallen nearby. They rose to their feet simultaneously, weapons in hand, both breathing hard from the scuffle.

Thorin fired first, but the man was fast, ducking behind a water barrel just in time. Thorin turned, his eyes scanning for Bilbo, but the outlaw leader was already on the move, darting from his cover with surprising speed.

Thorin spun, aiming to take the shot, but Bilbo was quicker than anticipated, and Thorin could react, Bilbo lunged forward and grabbed Gloin.

The man had managed to wriggle his way out of the doorway of the bank, his hands still bound tightly in front of him, a gag tied around his mouth.

Bilbo yanked the banker up to his feet, wrapping one arm around Glóin's chest and pressing the barrel of his revolver against the side of the man's head.

"Alright, everyone, hold up!" Bilbo shouted, his voice ringing out clear. "Or your good banker here gets a brand-new hole in his head!"

Thorin froze, his heart pounding in his chest. Glóin's eyes were wide, his face pale beneath the sweat and dirt that seemed out of place on the banker.

Thorin could see the desperate plea in Glóin's eyes, but he kept his gun trained on Bilbo trying to think of something, anything to say.

Before he could think to stop himself he was already talking "Let him go, Baggins," Thorin called out, hoping his voice sounded steady. "You don't need to hurt anyone."

"Oh, I really didn't want to, Sheriff," Bilbo replied. "But you haven’t and your friend hasn't left me much of a choice, now have you? How about you drop those guns, and maybe I'll think about letting your banker friend here go."

Dwalin's jaw was set, his hand steady on his weapon. "Like hell I will!" he yelled out. "He's bluffing, Thorin. We can take him."

Bilbo chuckled, his laughter maddeningly light and teasing "Is that what you think, Deputy?" He tightened his grip on Glóin, pressing the barrel of the gun harder against the man's temple, Glóin to wince. "I'm not bluffing. Now, toss your guns aside, or I'll paint the street with his brains."

Thorin's mind raced.

They were at a standoff, and Bilbo knew he held all the cards. "Alright, Bilbo," Thorin heard himself say. "We'll put down the guns. But you let Glóin go first."

Bilbo's eyes glinted with amusement behind his bandanna. "Oh, Sheriff, you think I'm new at this? I say guns first, then the banker goes free."

Thorin could feel Dwalin tensing beside him. "Don't do it, Thorin," Dwalin whispered urgently. "We can't let him leave. Not after what he's done."

"Dwalin, put the gun down," Thorin told Dwalin, turning to face his deputy.

But Dwalin's jaw clenched, and Thorin realized too late what was about to happen.

Dwalin's hand twitched, raised his gun and shot, but Bilbo was faster.

A gunshot cracked through the tense air, and Dwalin staggered back dropping his revolver, clutching his shoulder with a grunt of pain as he fell to one knee.

"Dwalin!" Thorin shouted, his voice sharp with fear and frustration.

Bilbo pressed the gun harder against Glóin's head, his smile never faltering. "Uh-uh, Sheriff," he warned.

"You make one more move, and your banker's brains decorate the street. Now, what's it gonna be?"

Thorin's frustration boiled over, but he forced himself to remain calm. "Bilbo, listen to me," he said, his voice low and steady. "Glóin has a family. He's not part of this. Just let him go."

For a moment, Bilbo hesitated, his grip on Gloin loosening just slightly. "I know he has a family, Oakenshield," he said, his tone almost sincere. "I don't want to hurt anyone, Sheriff. Honest, I don't. But I can't have you chasing me down the road. I need to make sure you don't follow."

Thorin nodded slowly, lowering his hands further. "Alright, Bilbo. We'll stay put. Just don't do anything stupid."

Bilbo's smirk returned, though his eyes darkened with determination. "Too late for that, Sheriff." In one swift motion, he pistol-whipped Glóin, sending the bound man crumpling to the ground, dazed and bleeding.

Before Thorin could react, Bilbo spun, firing a warning shot into the dirt at Thorin's feet. "Drop it!" he barked.

Thorin's revolver clattered to the ground without hesitation. Bilbo's right-hand man covered them as Bilbo mounted his horse in a single, fluid motion.

"Pleasure doing business with you, Sheriff!" Bilbo called mockingly, his voice once again full of mocking cheer. He spurred his horse, his right-hand man close behind, both of them racing out of town in a cloud of dust and grit.

Thorin watched them go, he groaned in frustration as anger boiled in his veins. He turned quickly to Dwalin, who was struggling to his feet, clutching his shoulder.

"You alright?" he asked as he looked his deputy over with concern.

Dwalin nodded, though his face was pale from the pain. "I'll live. What about Glóin?"

Thorin knelt by Gloin, checking his pulse and untying the gag from his mouth. "He's alive, just knocked out. Get Óin.

Make sure everyone else is safe," he ordered, looking out over the square.

Dwalin nodded and staggered off, Thorin could see his nephews, Kíli was uniting his mother and Fíli helped unbind the doors of the general store.

The dust from Bilbo's escape was still settling, but Thorin knew one thing for sure: he'd be ready when Bilbo Baggins came back around. And next time, there'd be no escape.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Note:

Okay I’m gonna stop it there. This was just kinda a little one shot for @shurikthereject ‘s western/cowboy au. The rest of this note is kind to them now. I tried to stay true to the shown characters and how you made them but I’m not the best at that. Also I wouldn’t mind making like a whole book for it but if you hate this and you don’t want me to continue I’d like to know. Or if you’d like me to change anything let me know. Okay bye.

[vibing-lizard-nose]

"You're allergic to that?"

So I have this scenario in mind: TW allergies, a bit of mess.

Character A comes from a family of metalworkers, their whole family has worked on a blacksmith making iron tools for decades. A is the youngest of their family and moves out to study/work on the city, away from home.

Some days later, they meet Character B who, much to their surprise, come from a line of carpenters. A moves in with B because they both go to the same college/workplace and living together is convenient.

There's one catch though: B does their wood related projects on their shared living room. A doesn't particularly mind this as they're used to the noise of electric tools going on and off all the time.

But as time goes by, A realized there's something off about this place. Ever since he moved in with B, they've been feeling weird.

The first sign was the weird pain in their ears, almost as if they were blocked and pulsing. They thought it was a tooth cavity, but upon coming back from a check-up they were sure that was not the reason.

Then the pain migrated to their face, and they found themselves congested beyond explanation. Might be a cold, moving from one place to another makes travelers sick as far as they know. But weeks go by, and there was no fever or another symptom that suggested the presence of a viral infection.

Except… the sneezing. They had never in their life experienced something like this. In a small town with only their family around, they had only ever seen people get like this when they got sick. But they knew there were more hints of a cold than just sneezes and sniffles, specially if they were the ones that made the person lay in bed for weeks.

But this was different.

And only then did they realized something else.

The day that everything stopped. The uncomfortable feeling on their ears and face, the unceasing drippy nose, the congestion. Everything stop almost too quickly. They might've gotten used to it by now.

Up until this point, they wasn't been a word about it with B. When they manage to have a bit of a chat one day during B's day off, B brings up the fact that they had finish working on those wooden crockery. The client had been very specific about the wood kind and shape of the cups. But at least it was over and they could rest. A congratulated B for finishing.

Although, internally, they had the brief thought that maybe this had something to do with the weird ordeal they had been dealing with, but they quickly brushed the idea off.

It wasn't too long until this idea sparked in them again after they woke up one morning, feeling worse than they had ever felt, the electric chainsaw a faint rattle in the living room.

Now this had to be some sort of wicked prank someone has playing on them, they didn't have a single week of freedom for this curse and the bloody thing came back? Unbelievable.

A decides is time to ask B about this. Maybe there was something in the apartment ventilation that was not functioning correctly. Or maybe they had some sort of pest that was going around spreading gems and gross stuff. They weren't sure but they knew B must knew a thing or two about the house.

As soon as they open the door of their room and step out to head into the living room, a scent flooded the air.

Wow. A was not away that carpenters had to use chemicals THIS strong, it was only wood for someone's sake! Unbelievable.

A aproches B and this hints B to turn off their tools, take off their mask and face their housemate for whatever inquiry they had.

A takes a breath, ready to unravel the secret of their mysterious problem to the only person that might give them an answer. It takes just one breath for chaos to break out.

The familiar tickle of a sneeze overwhelmed them, but instead of feeling like a small mouse softly trailing around, It felt like a stampede of elephants running eagerly to escape out of their nose. One sharp hitching breath later and a loud, obnoxious, desperate sneeze rushed out of them like it had been waiting to be let free for ages. It took them their last bit of control to turn their head as to not spray snot all over their companion.

This was ridiculous. THEY were specially ridiculous. And if they weren't, they sure looked like it.

They tries to say something, to apologize for their lack of manners when another sneeze, equally scandalous, came out like trying to catch up with the first one. Then followed another one, and another one. Soon it looked like they had only came to sneeze in front of their housemate who, needless to say, was slightly confused by what was happening.

A was running out of air. Oh shit. But every little breath they took in, it came right off with double the force. This was an unstoppable cycle of gasping and sneezing, and they were growing more worried about it not ending with every passing sneezes.

Finally, after witnessing enough, B takes A by the shoulders and guides them towards the kitchen. They help A by turning on the water on the sink and pressing on their back, a sign for them to bend and rinse their nose and face.

That was instant relief. Not that they hadn't tried this before, showers tended to ease whatever was bugging them. But in this particular moment and very particular situation, it felt like heaven for a second. After a few minutes, they had regained enough strength and air to straighten and grab the towel that B was offering them to dry their face off.

"Well, that was something." B started, arms crossed and a look of their face that was a mix of concern and a bit of a smirk. "I got worried when you reached the 20th one, thought you would faint or worse."

"You were counting?" Said A, baffled. "You're a bit of an ass."

"What? I needed to make sure you were actually dying or something, and not having really bad seasonal allergies." Argued B, rolling their eyes. "Coffins are hard to make and you don't get a free one just for living with me." There's a hint of sarcasm to the way B said that, and this made A stare at him for a moment.

"I don't have allergies-" Said A, sounding very much congested. They winced at the quality of their own voice and sniffled. "At least, not that I can think of."

Unbelievable, thought B. They looked A up and down, and went back up to scan their face. B took a moment to specially take in the red-rimmed, puffy eyes and the flush on their face that seemed to concentrate the most on the tip of their dripping nose.

B raised an eyebrow at A, like pointing out something obvious. "Are you sure about that?" came out in a more condescending way than they had wanted to, but really now. This was all too silly to be true.

"I've lived near forests my whole life and never have I ever felt like this!" A protested. "I never showed any sign of allergies or anything when I was a kid, I can't have any now." They looked too sure of themselves.

"You do realize that you can develop allergies later in life?" Explained B. "And you don't have to live in the forest to know if you have any allergies, you go to the doctor for tests. That's how it works." And B didn't want to brag about knowing basic biology knowledge, but this really felt like teaching a caveman complex calculus.

A remained silent for a moment, processing what had just been giving to them like a slow-running computer.

Eventually they looked up. "But what would I be allergic to? Any kind of metal? Can't be. Worked with those my whole life." They looked more confused now.

B hummed, a naughty idea forming in their head. "Since when have you been like this?" They said, rubbing a hand under their chin.

"Since I moved in." Said A, looking like they probably should've said this earlier. "Oh- but it stopped like a week ago, a bit less probably." They interrupted their own silence. "And I woke up feeling like shit again this morning, that's what- uh... what I wanted to tell you before."

B hummed a bit longer, although they were not thinking anything this time, they were just considering if they could get away with their idea without getting beaten up. "I think I know what it is." They said, smugly, then took out one of their dirty woodwork cloths out of their pocket.

Before A could even ask what were they doing, B shook the cloth right in front of A's face.

The reaction was immediate.

A loud gasp just like before, and a big, rattly sneeze surged out of them. Then followed another one, and another one. It looked like there was a fourth on the way and was getting stuck. Being a bit of a bastard, B delicately swiped the cloth under A's nose. A's nostrils grew wide as their eyes shut and one last powerful sneezes finally came out.

As pathetic as this seemed, B seemed to be enjoying this all too much. They helped A to do the water rinse again, just like the last time. Afterwards, they seemed a bit more relaxed about the whole situation and giggled.

"I think it's the pine sawdust." Said B, handing B a tissue when their nose started to act up again.

"But I've been out when pines bloom and that has never done something nearly as bad as this." Remembered A. "Sure it does tickle a little, but- it's pollen. Everyone feels like that around it."

"Oh I should know, I'm allergic to it." Said B confidently like it was something to brag about. "But not everyone is affected by just the pollen." And with that, B takes a small 10-unit blister pack of allergy medication and hands it to A.

"You're allergic to that?" A scoffed, before lowering their eyes to inspect what they had been handed.

"It's perfectly possible to have little to no reaction to pine pollen, but having a disaster with the sawdust. It comes from the wood, it worked a little different." Said B, kindly. The shift on behavior seemed a little weird to A, but nevertheless sweet. Maybe this was something someone else had told them when they discovered they had allergies.

"well... thanks." A looked at the blister pack, motionless. They stared at it like it was going to bite them. "And thanks for the help. I had no idea about these things, y'know?" A hint of a smile, but they were clearly embarrassed.

"No biggie, it's all cool." Said B, ready to open the kitchen door back again. "I think I'll stop the work on that table for today, that little brat of a customer can wait an extra day." This brought a smile to A's face, and their smile brought an even bigger one to B's face. "Do try to get a mask when you're around the house though, and go get your allergies checked by a doctor when you can." Said B, finally putting their mask back to leave the kitchen, closing the door behind them.

There A sat, on a kitchen chair. Only thinking how could such a messy and unpredictable thing as a weird allergy could bring someone you had barely talked with to form a kind of bond with you. It did felt nice though, now thinking about that too. To feel taken care of an not just another one of the dozen on siblings on a house. It felt special and unique to have this kind of attention.

And to think all it took was a bit of sawdust and a sneeze.

[celestiababie]

svt reaction to accidentally overstimulating you until you squirt

love ur stuff btw!

A/N: I'm going to assume that you meant this for svt since I pretty much only write for them at this point. If not, please send another specifying who it was for and I'll redo it. I didn't really edit this, so I'm sorry if it's shit. ANYWAYS, I hope you enjoy it!!! Feedback is appreciated!

Seungcheol: He'd instantly want to make you squirt again, but you'd make sure you had a breather before how tries again. Lowkey becomes obsessed with pushing you to your limits.

"Fuck Y/n, you're making such a mess for me, baby."

Jeonghan: Honestly, it would surprise him more than he'd care to admit. He was just focused on finger fucking you and didn't think he was doing anything extraordinary, but similar to Seungcheol...he'd want to see if you could do it again. Might become a menace in the process.

"You can do it again, right, angel? C'mon, give it to me." Ugh I can see the smirk on his face already.

Joshua: He'd honestly take a moment to process what just happened but would be so sweet if you got embarrassed because of what happened. He'd ask if it was too much and offer to change the sheets for you while you take a bath. But don't be fooled by his sweet response because he'd definitely bring it up again in innuendos and tease you for it in the future.

Jun: He isn't quite sure how it happened, but he seems like the kind of guy that would be into it already? But he just wouldn't mention it to you or try anything in particular to get you to squirt. But now that he knows it's possible...he'd ask to see if he can make you do it again.

Soonyoung: Gets really giddy over what just happened. So much so that he doesn't fully realize how spent you are and once he calms down a bit, he'd be rushing to give you the best aftercare in the entire world. Would be cuddling you and then all of a sudden ask you questions about it.

"Did you feel good?"

"It felt good, right?"

"We can do it again if you want."

Wonwoo: This man already researched and has the knowledge stored away in his brain somewhere. But, he would never intentionally try, he was just so lost in the look on your face and how much you were moaning that he wouldn't realize he was subconsciously doing those things he read about. If you were confused or embarrassed, he'd give you a brief (unnecessary) explanation as to why that happened. He'd be really into it and want to see if all the other methods he read about worked just as well.

Jihoon: Will write a song about wanting to drown in your love with the most innuendos you've ever seen. I'm kidding, mostly. No but in all seriousness, it would trigger a cockiness in him that would be so fucking attractive. Ugh whenever he felt like getting an ego boost from now on he'd just roll up his sleeves and finger fuck you until you're screaming his name and drenching his fingers.

Dokyeom: I see him as someone who's normally sweet and very intimate during bed so he would be so entranced in the feeling that he wouldn't realize he was overstimulating you until he felt an unfamiliar pressure around his cock that would force him to pull out and thus causing you to squirt. Man would be silent, wide eyed in SHOCK, but still so turned on and desperate to cum for you that he'd ask if you wanted to keep going.

Mingyu: He's very eager to please and often gets lost in the undeniably incredible feeling of making his favorite person feel good so I'm not surprised he overstimulates you fairly often. But when he makes you squirt for the first time, it would trigger the curious experimentalist in him. After you fall asleep (after much needed aftercare) he would be on his phone all night to look up more ways to make you squirt and tell you all about his findings in the morning with the most excited look on his face.

Minghao: I think he's very in tune with his body as well as his lover's body so I find it surprising if he accidentally overstimulated you...he's too aware for that...but he would caress your body after making you squirt, trying to calm your body and bring you back down to earth with him. He'd give you all the time you needed to stop shaking from the aftershocks of pleasure, whispering loving and soothing words throughout the entire time. I feel like he'd really be into observing what his partner looks like when they cum and after they cum.

Seungkwan: Tries to be nonchalant and act like what just happened didn't boost his ego massively but you could see him literally grinning to himself as he cleaned the sheets. Will definitely want to make you do it again another time but is slightly nervous he just got very lucky and won't be able to move his fingers the same way.

Vernon: "Oh wow." That's it. Kidding (not really) This man would be so frozen just staring at the mess while you tried to calm down. You'd finally noticed him staring and if you started apologizing it would immediately break him out of whatever spell he was under and he'd reassure you that he found it hot...like really hot. Kind of a new fetish for him.

Chan: Becomes an annoying menace who thinks he's a sex god, but it's okay because he's really hot when he's confident and feeling himself. Would tease you for it in the future and probably bring it up when you're being intimate.

"Wait, should we lay down a towel? You made such a mess last time, babe."

A fairly reasonable question, but the smirk he'd have on his face would reveal his true intentions.

[lady-of-the-puddle]

Good Omens 2 Opening-What are they marching toward?

Hi, there's something about the opening credit sequence that immediately caught my eye upon the first viewing. @metatronhateblog and I have discussed the whole opening credits at length (helps that we're siblings and can sit in the same room to talk about it) and we both will probably make some posts about things we haven't seen addressed yet.

I haven't seen anyone mention this particular thing yet, but forgive me if this has already been pointed out.

This mountain they are marching up? This is Zion.

I'm almost certain. It's a very interesting word that's used several times in the Old and New Testament, most notably for me in the book of Revelation, which I read a lot as a former Christian (I liked it cause it was the least boring thing to read).

It has a few different meanings from what I've gathered (a note: this is not about z*ionism.), which I will try to give brief explanations on.

Originally I believe it was meant to be an actual location in Jerusalem, a hill/mountain that held the City of David. Literally called Mount Zion I think.

In the Old Testament it also is described as being the place where God rests, where they are enthroned.

Now look at this.

Pretty sure that's a throne room? It looks like a Greek temple, so I think that's the vibe it's going for. The place where God is located.

Most interestingly, Zion is symbolic of the city of heaven, which will come to earth and God will dwell with the people upon Jesus' return and judgement (at least that's what I'm getting from the text? It can be difficult for me to decipher sometimes). Revelation 14:1 states

"Then I looked, and there before me was the Lamb, standing on Mount Zion, and with him 144,000 who had his name and his Father’s name written on their foreheads."

I believe this is the first time Jesus appears during(after maybe?) the great Tribulation (aka, all the torments the earth endures during this time before his return) with those who have been chosen by God. "The Lamb" refers to Jesus, for those who may not know.

I thought it was odd that this possible Zion reference was placed here in season 2 since it's not something that we've seen or heard mentioned thus far, but I think we can safely assume it has to do with season 3 and the Second Coming.

A side note, there's something else I caught while looking at this as well:

I could be wrong, but it looks like these cherubs are tipping bowls. BOWLS!

In John's visions in Revelation 16, we see seven angels with bowls pouring out plagues to the earth. Bowls of God's wrath. I could go into what they are but that's a whole other post. For some reason I always remembered the bowls the most, I have no idea why. There's so much to find in the opening, it's like a scavenger hunt and my little brain loves it! Anyway.

Fascinating that Zion is what the people and our heroes are marching toward. Are they simply moving toward the end times (again)? Are they marching straight to God's house to get some answers (Aziraphale might be)? Are they moving toward that utopian heaven on earth as they begin eternity, forever and ever amen (as Michael mentions in the forbidden heavenly footage)? Maybe all three.

It may not be all that important and just be purely symbolic, but I thought it was neat. There really is so much in the details!

Thanks for coming to my rambling! I'm going to go try finding more references now.

[cellarspider]

5/30 The pseudohistory of Prometheus

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⛬

We return to a movie I wish to send on a journey down the Kola Superdeep Borehole, Prometheus.

And my insanity truly begins in this segment. We are only 1/10th of the way through the movie so far. Content warnings for discussion of racism in pseudoscience and historical anthropology, Spider getting hung up on logistics and space nerd stuff, and pictures of Yuri Knorozov, the most sour-faced man to ever live.

The cast sits down for a briefing. This is a scene with an easily identifiable narrative function: providing exposition to the theater audience. The act of doing a briefing makes sense. It is the last thing here that will.

We are introduced to a hologram of Peter Weyland, the financier of the expedition. The name means all sorts of Lore to the series, but what’s intensely distracting is that we seem to have caught Weyland halfway through applying his zombie makeup.

Weyland is played by Guy Pierce. As of the filming of this movie, he was somewhere around 45 years old. Yes, they smothered this Australian in old man drag so that he could play this character. This is a baffling decision, that only gets slightly less baffling if you know the production history of the movie, which I did not at the time.

Guy Pierce was hired to play a younger Peter Weyland. There’s a promo video out there of him giving a fictional TED Talk in the not-to-distant future of next Sunday AD 2023, there were various plans for him to appear in the movie proper. None of those scenes are actually in the movie. They refused to double-cast the role for some reason. While the practical effects in the movie are generally excellent and it does make the tiniest smidge of sense that a hypercapitalist asshole would be portrayed as a literal rubber-faced movie monster, this, like many things in Prometheus, made the movie a very weird sit. One where I was increasingly less open to going along with the movie’s fiction. You are telling me that this is an actual human man. I am not buying it. He looks far less human than David, the only non-human there.

Speaking of David, Weyland calls him “the closest thing to a son I will ever have”, and then immediately says David is an inhuman lesser being, who does not appreciate the specialness of his existence because he does not have a soul.

Which is funny, because I think you can see David’s soul leaving his body at this exact moment.

Weyland then tries to mash in some existential weight to the movie: they might finally get an answer for “why are we here?” and all that jazz! He also tries to explain why naming a ship Prometheus is totally not like calling it Titanic II: Don’t think about the part of the myth where Prometheus is chained to a rock and has his ever-regenerating liver eaten by an eagle every day! Think about the bit where he brought fire to mankind! We’re gonna bring back that bit!

And then the archaeologists take over the briefing, and this, THIS, is the bit where they entirely lost me. My suspension of disbelief had already been strained by multiple oddities up to this point. My skepticism about these characters in particular was already a bit elevated by their implied invocation of the ancient astronauts concept.

Turns out, only Vickers, Shaw, and Holloway know why they’re here. 

Two years away from Earth. On a massively expensive expedition that intends to make first contact with an alien culture, the first alien culture that humankind has ever found evidence of. Nobody has been briefed up until this point.

This is lunacy.

Explanations have been figured out by fans since then: this is a passion project by Weyland, an annoyance to the rest of the corporate structure that nobody else believes in. The movie eventually intimates this, through Vickers. 

Fans have thus speculated that Weyland was just quarantined off to do his little alien hunt, with no logistical support that would make it actually functional. He believed a crazy theory put forward by Shaw and Holloway, and everyone else wasn’t actually best-of-the-best, they were just whoever would take a big paycheck to do fuck-all for nearly five years of sleeping their way to and from their destination.

I am willing to consider that this was intentional. The movie possibly tries to confirm this with Mr. “I’m here for the money” Fifield, but none of the other characters have enough characterization to determine if this is the general trend.

How could we make a story that more clearly spells this out? Maybe Millburn the biologist could encounter more of the crew talking about the payout from taking the job, or reveal that he himself has some project he needs money for. It would also chip away at the dearth of character-building dialog for most of the cast.

As a result of those deficiencies in characterization, a lot of my discussion of plot points is going to be focused around what they do, rather than why. …Except when it is about the why, at which point the main commentary will be “WHY.”

In any case: while it makes sense, I'm still not certain the film meant for this character motivation. Prometheus is just so loudly explicit with so many of its plot points that it doesn’t seem like this is the case. The movie certainly believes in the sincerity and correctness of the archaeologists, though.

Unfortunately, it also immediately tells me that they’re a couple of wingnuts. I’m not sure if it intends to, for reasons I’ll get into after I foam at the mouth for a little while.

They present a series of artifacts to the crew: Egyptian, Mayan, Akkadian, Sumerian, Hittite, Hawaiian, and their Scottish cave painting. All of them feature “men worshiping giant beings”, who are pointing to what stargazer nerds call an asterism: a pattern of stars. Shaw and Holloway believe that these are aliens that engineered humans into their current state. Shaw literally says “it’s what I choose to believe” as the entirety of their justification for this.

Again: I knew the movie wanted me to take this as truth, within its universe. That’s the implicit deal the movie has made with the audience, this is truth. You are supposed to be contemplating the "whys" of it all. But the movie had also smacked me in the brain so many times in the past five minutes, that I, like Millburn the Biologist, was ready to call bullshit.

I appreciate him for doing so, and it shows he could have been a smart character, but sadly, he is in Prometheus.

Because he is a fictional biologist and I am an actual biologist, I will expand on his argument, as I descend into ranting for the rest of the post.

Millburn objects on the basis of evolutionary history, which the movie only partially succeeds in papering over: the implication is that evolution on Earth was directed with the deterministic outcome of creating something like humans.

This opens up a whole new can of worms that the movie doesn’t get into–when exactly did this engineering start? When great apes evolved? When mammals did? Tetrapods? Skeletons? DNA itself? After all, we know the aliens, now dubbed Engineers by the archaeologists, have DNA. Did they seed all life on Earth? How did they evolve? Our last universal common ancestor is believed to have already been using DNA 3-4 billion years ago, evolving out of a likely RNA-based genetic standard. Hominins diverged from other apes around 15-25 million years ago. What sort of culture would undertake a project that required at least 15 million years on the extreme low end?

All excellent questions! The movie is not concerned with them. I am, and that is part of why this movie still lives in a special, awful place in my head.

This isn’t actually what made me become actively hostile toward the archaeologists, though. What managed that, well! It was their archaeology. Anybody who had an Ancient Egypt Phase in their childhood should be able to articulate multiple reasons why the academic community would’ve laughed these guys out of the building.

Bigness in ancient egyptian art does not indicate literal size. It indicates importance. In fact, the artifacts the movie uses exclusively come from artistic traditions which feature hierarchical or non-literal scale. Do the Engineers turn out to actually be eight feet tall? Yes! Am I still annoyed by this? ABSOLUTELY.

You know what else is a big problem? Many of the cultures they reference here had written language! A LOT of written language! They include Egyptian, Sumerian, Babylonian, and Mayan art in their evidence, all of which not only wrote a LOT of things down, but had a habit of annotating a lot of their art with labels to tell you what was going on! You can actually see some on the props they used in this scene!

Beyond that, they had very prescribed formal styles, where you can follow the action entirely through gestures, held objects, attendant symbols, and clothing! If all these cultures, as implied, had actual, direct contact with aliens, recorded in the art presented here, we would know what they were told.

Skipping ahead of the movie for a minute: the Engineers were apparently not telling humans “we’re here in these stars, come find us”, they were telling humans “settle the fuck down or this is where the hurt’s going to come from”. 

Here's the thing. Ancient peoples weren't stupid. They wouldn't just not talk about this. If giant aliens came down from the sky and gave them a stern talking-to that contradicted their religion, that would be a big deal. And these characters specifically say the Engineers are being "worshiped" in these images! They're apparently taking onboard what's being said!

It is certainly possible for information to be lost. Over long time scales, that's unfortunately the rule, rather than the exception. But again: half the artifacts have writing on them!

I chose to believe that Shaw and Holloway simply did not attempt to read any available translations of attendant texts, and they were thus cursed for their foolishness by the ghosts of Mayan Studies pioneer Yuri Knorozov and Egyptologist Jean-François Champollion, and the still-extant spirit of Assyriologist Irving Finkel.

Knorozov knows your sins against Mayan Studies. Knorozov is a vengeful god. Chapollion and Finkel are likewise very cross.

Two last things stood out to me in the theater. One of them was extremely petty but tied into some very serious issues with pseudoscience, and the other one was not.

Pettiness first: the asterism shown in the artifacts is a pattern of six stars. The movie wants you to believe that it is very spooky that the only asterism that precisely matches this pattern are six stars that are too faint to see with the naked eye. This is laughable, both because the asterism is so generic-looking that I can think of several very visible asterisms that are good matches for the pattern, but it also recapitulates a bunch of really fucking annoying stuff from pseudoscientific bullshit. 

First: Pseudoscience and pseudohistory likes to make a big deal out of the fact that every culture has stories about the stars. Why? 

The sky is very important to every culture’s mythology, because every culture can see the sky. Like, that’s literally it. People can see the sky. They tell stories about it. There’s not much to do at night except look at the sky, when even keeping a fire lit can be an expensive prospect. It is not even the least bit weird when multiple cultures–all of them in the northern hemisphere in this case!–have stories about the same stars.

Second: Cultures varied in their ability to faithfully reproduce celestial landmarks in art and align their architecture, and were not as exact as modern techniques can manage. Pseudoscience will claim that they are exact, when it fits their pre-existing theory, or fudge the difference if they want something to fit their claims.

(This is a photoshopped image, by the way.)

Were the stone age temples of Malta secretly aligned with a particular star that foretold the doom of Atlantis, precisely tracking its location through the sky over thousands of years of Earth’s axial wobbling? No! They were roughly aligned with the sun. Sunlight is important when you don’t have electric lights. Were the Great Pyramids of Giza laid out ten thousand years ago to match the layout of the stars in Orion’s Belt, according to the designs of a legendary lost race of highly advanced non-African people? Were they tapping into the Earth’s magnetic field to generate energy? No! They were aligned with the cardinal directions, and they got them a bit wrong! 

Hell, if we want to play at that game, I found a decent match for the asterism in Stellarium's Egyptian constellation set. Just flip this 90 degrees clockwise and you'll see I'm totally right. Aliens confirmed.

I know the movie is trying to tell me that all the asterisms in the art are precise matches for each other and are thus impossible to explain without intercultural contact (or aliens!!), but it is also showing me that they are not that precise. So, it’s just showing me stars. At least in some of them. Their little charcoal lad from the Isle of Skye may be throwing fruit at his audience.

In fact, there's a further, probably unintentional link to pseudohistorical claims in the artifacts presented: the Maya artifact shown does not actually depict a "giant figure" being worshiped, in fact, it shows one instantly recognizable, known figure in Classical Maya history: It is an altered version of the ornately carved coffin lid of Kʼinich Janaab Pakal I (24 March 603 - 29 August 683), with the top quarter of the carving replaced with a star pattern that looks nothing like the ones on the other artifacts.

The carving shows Pakal in the pose of an infant, entering into death and being reborn. It is packed full of so many symbolic elements that can be easily recognized by those more familiar with the Classical Maya than I am.

Conspiracy theorist Erich von Däniken thought that it showed Pakal rocketing away on a spaceship. Däniken proposed this because he didn't understand the cultural symbolism, but he had seen pictures of astronauts before.

And on that note, 2,400 words into this rant, we get to the actually bad shit. Unfortunately, it ties into the issue I had with the premise to begin with: the real-world context of pseudoscientific claims of ancient alien contact. Specifically, the racism.

We’re going to unspool this more near the end of the movie, because there was further behind the scenes I was not aware of when I first saw Prometheus, and it just compounds this stuff. 

So, when I went on my first tangent on how unpleasant ancient alien theories are, one thing I highlighted is that the further from Western Civilization you get, the more these theories presuppose that fellow humans are incapable of building great works or imagining interesting things. No, they had to be guided, and explicitly shown things that they copied down to the best of their limited capability.

The only european example of alien contact they show is from the Upper Paleolithic, 37,000 years ago. All the examples around the Mediterranean and Mesopotamia range from 5,500-3,700 years ago. The examples from the Classical Maya and Hawaiʻi are from 620 and 680 CE. 

During this period, Tang Dynasty merchants were creating the first paper money as the famous female emperor Wu Zetian was on her way to the throne. The Prophet Muhammad went to al-Aqsa mosque, and we’re only eight years before the birth of Charlemagne’s grandfather. We’re no longer talking ancient, it’s just old.

I want to emphasize that the movie is presenting these not as depictions of myths that have been passed down–though there are more problems with that I’ll get into shortly–these are implied to be contemporary depictions of events witnessed by the artists, who were quite possibly instructed by the Engineers to record a precise pattern of stars. An equivalency is being drawn between stone age Europe, bronze age Africa and the Middle East, and a couple of startlingly recent Mesoamerican and Polynesian cultures. 

But let’s be generous. Maybe these aren’t supposed to be contemporary accounts in these two outlier cases: the movie’s script will certainly indicate later that they have no idea what they’ve implied here. Perhaps these are story traditions that were handed down from the Olmecs and Melanesian precursors of the first to sail to Hawaiʻi. 

Unfortunately, this just recapitulates a different racist trope: that European and more “developed” civilizations invented so much cool and comfortable material culture and philosophy that they forgot the Mystical Religious Truths of the old ways, which were preserved only in Primitive Lands and among Uneducated Peoples, where they never found anything better to do with their time. Oh, if only we had heeded the warnings from those spiritually attuned non-white people!

(Look, I only remember Devil (2010), which has 50% on Rotten Tomatoes, because M Night Shyamalan wrote and produced it, and this was two years after The Happening came out, so I watched it out of morbid curiosity. It's not as unbelievably bad as The Happening, but as shown in the clip above, the spiritually attuned latino security guard Ramirez attributes toast landing jelly side down to Satan. That is an actual thing that happens in the movie. He is proven right.)

But let's be even more generous: someone probably realized that they'd focused near-exclusively on Middle Eastern cultures, and wanted to throw in a couple from elsewhere. Sitting here, having seen the movie in full, this is the most likely option: their inclusion creates a contradiction with a later scene, and was thus probably not checked for consistency. These cultures were thrown in as a bit of background flavor. I list this last, because in the theater, there was no way to know this at the time.

That answer's still not great. Still leaves us in the same position, where Europeans are pretty much given their own agency, while other cultures need to be led.

Oh, and to anyone else who’s made it this far and knows the production history of Prometheus: don’t worry! I know what Ridley Scott told that one interviewer, about a contact between a less-ancient European power and the Engineers. I’m saving that one. I like to save that one, because strategic deployment of that quote made some of my IRL friends scream.

Next time: the Prometheus descends to an alien world, and I descend further into madness. I am going to drag you all down with me.

(Pictured: Yuri Knorozov, and my present mood.)

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Citations for alt text ramblings:

https://www.almendron.com/artehistoria/arte/culturas/egyptian-art-in-age-of-the-pyramids/catalogue-fourth-dynasty/

[cognitiveleague]

PSA for fellow USAmericans who might be considering their health insurance options (since it’s the time of year for it at time of writing):

If you have ANY other option, I recommend staying as far as possible from any private (non-government administered) plan talking about “reference-based pricing” or “disrupting the health insurance establishment to save you money”.

I hadn’t heard of this type of plan until a couple of months ago, and neither had my colleagues who’ve worked in my field (billing for a private healthcare specialist’s office) much longer than I have, when we all of a sudden had several clients switch to similar plans within a few weeks of each other, so I suspect it’s likely that they’ve been making a push to get a foot in the door this year. I’m sure it’s legally inadvisable to outright call them “scams”, but IMO they are at the VERY least operating on a business model that’s extraordinarily ill-thought out, and at worst (likeliest) it seems to me that they’re misleading and predatory in a way that’s somehow still shocking and infuriating to me after years of working in healthcare billing in the US.

More detailed explanation / further Advice from your Friendly Neighborhood Angry Socialist Healthcare Billing Administrator below the cut, for those who want more information.

So the issue here essentially is that these companies are trying to sell clients (looks like particularly small business owners and HR people looking for plans to offer their employees) on the idea that they’re ~shaking up the corrupt industry~ to improve transparency and costs, and like, if that’s what they were actually doing? I’d be so incredibly for it, you don’t even know. Fuck everything about the established health insurance industry, I want to see them burn as much as the next person.

But what they’re actually doing is deciding it would save THEM a lot of money to just pay doctors / other healthcare providers as little as they want to, and that the problem getting in the way of that is that there are usually contracts establishing how much they’re supposed to pay, and it would be cool to just… not have those! From there, the plan is:

1) telling bosses “hey, we’ll cut your costs by offering you a plan that’s cheaper than conventional ones!”

2) telling workers / clients “hey, you know how your health insurance plan determines what doctors you can see and have insurance pay for it? Fuck that, see whoever you want!”

3) conveniently neglecting to mention that if your brilliant plan to lower costs is “just don’t have contracts with providers, so there’s no agreed-on cost and we can pay them whatever we unilaterally decide is fair!”, that also means there’s no contract obligating the healthcare providers to accept your insurance at all (which is extra bullshit when you consider that they can’t tell you which providers have agreed to take their insurance, on account of how they don’t actually have a list of providers who have agreed to take their insurance, since they decided agreements were unnecessary)

Basically, it ends up saving the bosses and the insurance company a shitload of yachts-and-blackjack money, but then puts You The Patient in a situation where you’ve been told “yeah, see whoever you want, we don’t give a fuck”

So you go to the local clinic or your usual therapist or whatever and say “oh, here’s my new health insurance card, they said I could be seen here,” and hand them a card for a company that

A) they’ve never heard of

B) they have NO contractual obligation to work with, and

C) a brief google search can easily tell them openly intends to pay them significantly less than any of the insurance plans they do work with (besides the few that are allowed to get away with setting their own prices because they’re literally run by federal government-affiliated agencies and using that considerable leverage for the benefit of senior citizens, people on disability benefits, veterans, etc — they essentially plan to use the base pricing THOSE plans use, except… as a private, for-profit company, and without discussing it with the other parties involved.)

All of which is likely to just put the staff at your local clinic or whatever in the awkward position of having to tell you “I’m so sorry, it doesn’t look like that’s actually a plan we work with, we’re going to have to do self-pay for the recent visits / if you’d like to continue,” and put YOU in the awkward situation of having to pay for that shit out of your own pocket.

What do I do if my employer is offering a reference-based pricing plan?

So glad you asked, me.

My recommendation would be to look at what other options they have available if you work for a company that offers multiple options, or to opt out of their plan and look into the options available to you via your state’s health insurance marketplace — open enrollment for most states is November 1 - January 15th, so at the time of this post (November 23rd) it’s ongoing and now’s the time to do something about it!

But that means my work won’t help with payment of my insurance premiums?

Yeah, but in the context of this discussion, we’re weighing the cost of paying your own premium in full against the potential cost of being told you can see whatever providers you want, doing so, and then ending up having to pay them out of pocket at the uninsured rate because your insurance actually does jack shit and fuckall, which can EASILY get a lot worse.

Also, some employers will reimburse a portion of the premium cost if you have outside health insurance, so check with your HR department or your boss (and maybe let them know why you decided not to go with the insurance they’re offering).

Also-also, if you’re in a lower income bracket, the ACA / healthcare marketplace options on your state’s healthcare marketplace website will include Medicaid plans, which are subsidized by the government to help low-income folks afford them.

Ok, I’m looking, but how do I pick the plan that’s right for me?

Oh god I have a whole other post about this but it’s from ages ago and I don’t have the spoons to look for it right now, but the basics boil down to:

A) Look if possible for plans where, if there is a deductible, either it’s as low as possible or it doesn’t apply to services you anticipate needing at least semi-regularly

B) If the difference in monthly premiums for two plans is MORE than the difference in what you can reasonably expect to pay out of pocket in copays during a month, the “cheaper” plan isn’t saving you money.

So like for example, if I’m choosing between two plans and the up-front cost between them is like, $250 / month or $400 / month, and the $250 plan has specialist services I need 4 times a month covered under a deductible while the $400 plan has a flat copay of $20 for those same services, then my numbers will end up looking like “$250 + (4 x $125) = $750, vs “$400 + (4 x $20) = $480), which would make the $400 plan cheaper for me overall, even though the premium is more expensive.

You want the plan where the monthly costs for your premium PLUS expected average monthly out of pocket costs for services you’re likely to need routinely is as low as possible, is what I’m getting at here. No real way around doing the math, unfortunately, though if you DM me during open enrollment I’ll probably be willing to do the math for you out of sheer spite toward our country’s bullshit insurance “system”.

C) If you can’t afford a plan with a higher premium, it’s still worth getting something, but be aware that low-premium plans are typically going to be “catastrophic” health insurance plans, designed primarily to put a (high) cap on how much medical cost you can incur at once if you like, survive a freak accident or something — as a rule, they’re not going to do much to help you with much besides either the super basic preventive care they’re required by law to cover or keeping your total annual costs from an accident or major illness from getting too wildly astronomical. If you need non-emergency specialist care even semi-routinely, I’d encourage trying to avoid this type of plan if possible, and ALWAYS checking in with your plan and your providers’ billing department to figure out how much you need to budget for out of pocket costs when you do need to see a specialist or something, because you do NOT want to be caught off guard by that shit.

What else can I do?

Uhhhhh, advocate for socialized healthcare like every other fucking rich country in the world has had for decades, I guess? We’re not some special case where it would never work, we’ve just got a bunch of craven politicians invested in telling us that because of that sweet sweet insurance company lobbyist money they get in exchange for keeping things the way they are. Fuck ‘em, if that wasn’t clear.

Also, be gay / do crimes / look out for each other on this bitch of an earth / seriously DM me if you want me to help you figure out your options, ok I love you bye ✌️

[maniculum]

Bestiaryposting: Holghras Results

Now for what everyone -- or at least a certain percentage -- has been waiting for: the results for the Holghras! Anyone who found that sentence confusing can catch up by checking this page: https://maniculum.tumblr.com/bestiaryposting .

This time around, they should all fit into one post, as the response was a little smaller. I see how it is: everyone wants to draw Spooky Corpse-Eater With Magic, but nobody wants to draw Horny Bird With Problems.

I kid, of course. The Wutugald had some pretty clear visual elements that people could hook onto, but the Holghras entry is mostly about its behavior and doesn't give much information on what it looks like beyond "it's a bird". So it's pretty clear why people might have a harder time drawing artistic inspiration from that one. (And I really and truly appreciate those of you who took a crack at it anyway.) The level of physical description is going to vary a lot entry to entry, I'm afraid -- to some extent I think it's about whether it's an animal the reader is expected to be familiar with, but there are definitely a few detailed visual descriptions of animals most medieval Europeans would have seen because the author wants to do some symbolism. So it's a toss-up. Anyway, here's the link to the description people are working from:

And the results, again roughly in order of appearance. If yours isn't here, let me know -- I saw one post that said something about Tumblr eating their original attempt, presumably out of Bird Homophobia. I'm happy to reblog any that I missed due to Tumblr's functionality.

@bruncikara (link to post here) gives us our first interpretation. I really enjoy the medieval bestiary style, including the use of the Generic Medieval Plant that always reminds me of mutant asparagus. I think the border is designed to evoke the thorns in which the Holghras nests, which I also appreciate. The bird's pose, flat on its back with its neck curved up, is great, and it's shown performing its signature Hide With Dirt move. I think at least some of the inspiration comes from quails here, judging by the head... feather... thing... [Wikipedia break] ... okay, apparently it's just called a "plume", which I should have guessed. This is the first example of the common (and correct!) assumption that the Holghras is a member of the order Galliformes.

@jamiethekeener (link to post here) gives us this one, also posing with its signature dirt clods. I'm reminded of a cardinal, personally. The artist provides a brief comment on their design, noting that they are not a bird expert. I think this is a pretty cute juvenile bird, and the way it holds the dirt comes off as kind of playful.

@silverhart-makes-art (link to post here) has produced another very naturalistic drawing, which (in my non-expert opinion) manages to look very much like a real bird without specifically looking like any bird in particular. They apparently do know birds, because they specifically name-drop Galliformes in their description of their design decisions. I like the decision to also include one of the bird's Signature Behaviors, i.e., the mother carrying her chicks.

@pomrania (link to post here) has given their Holghras a selection of striking features, which they explain in their post. There's a lot in that post, actually, and I really enjoyed reading the whole journey of this particular drawing. You should go read it too -- the post linked above also provides a draft version, a link to a series of progress sketches, and a link to an explanation of their design choices that includes rumination on how to make a bird look "slutty". Go check it out, we'll be here when you get back.

@sweetlyfez (link to post here) describes her design choices briefly, indicating that her goal was to pick Bird Attributes that could look unsettling in combination and suggest that the bird depicted has a "terrible sex life". Mission accomplished, I think -- that bird does not look trustworthy. Also now we know that thing on its head is just called a plume, so good for us. I really like the effect the -- watercolor? I think? I don't know art -- provides, and that seagull-esque spot on its beak really is a great touch.

@rautavaara (link to post here) has done another beautifully stylized drawing with a very pleasant color scheme. They provide a brief explanation of their design decisions in the linked post. I'm particularly struck by the fact that this version of the Holghras apparently carries its young in the same way that the folkloric version of the stork carries babies: in some kind of cloth wrapping held in the beak. I also like that the chick's feet are sticking out.

@mobileleprechaun (link to post here) apparently had some trouble posting this, but I'm glad they got it through, because it's delightful. I like the little bird on the right with its feet sticking straight up, and the other one under its mother's wing/arm. When I first saw this, I was briefly puzzled why the drawing contrasted male and female birds, because they looked quite similar -- then I noticed the tailfeathers -- then I looked more closely at the male's tailfeathers and cracked up a little bit. The linked post provides a brief explanation of the design decisions, including why the wings look so much like arms. It also has a couple tags that I find funny.

@karthara (link to post here) provides this excellent image as well as a brief explanation of their design choices. I love the over-the-top tailfeathers on the extremely-sexy purple male Holghrases, and the babies dangling from under the female's wing, and the fact that the clod of dirt being held up by the juvenile is at least as big as the bird holding it. Also, those ridiculous tailfeathers are apparently inspired by the Onagadori rooster, which means we're back with the Galliformes.

@embervoices (link to post here) did this adorable drawing of the juvenile Holghras. I particularly like that she's taken a different route than having it just hold up the dirt: this one apparently has a little hidey-hole like a trapdoor spider. This is just very cute all around, I like it.

@cheapsweets (link to post here) provides this excellent and action-packed depiction, along with a wonderfully detailed explanation of their design decisions. (I love reading those.) From their post, it's clear that they also know more about birds than I do, and also name-check the Galliformes as the most likely category. Apparently the bird-people of Tumblr have this critter's number. Also, that is a masterful depiction of a bird running off with an egg, I have to say.

@coolest-capybara (link to post here) has done another medieval-styled rendition, which I really enjoy. This is also, I believe, the first appearance of a human in any of these drawings. (Well. Live human, at least.) I enjoy the depiction of the female bird doing her fake limp to lead the human away from her nest while the males engage in their weird drama up in the right. They provide an explanation of their design choices and inspiration in the linked post.

@scarlettbookworm (link to post here) has given us a drawing that showcases several of the odd behaviors described in the entry. The linked post also provides a description of their design process and an explanation of their decisions. I think this is another very cute picture of a bird holding up dirt, and I enjoy the one at the top shouting "HOLGHRAS!" The egg-stealer over in the bottom right is very good also.

@moustawott (link to post here) has drawn this very vulture-like Holghras in what I have to say is a very well-done bushy area. I had to look twice to realize the background was actually cleverly-arranged splashes and blobs of color that strongly suggest that we're in a bush. Very good art, love the style, and that fuzzy baby Holghras is cute as hell. The linked post provides an explanation of the design decisions.

@strixcattus (link to post here) gives us this rendition of the Holghras, which they describe as being inspired by a prairie chicken and a potoo. Prairie chickens are, of course... Galliformes. Another tally mark in that column. I'm particularly delighted by the giant mouth on the chick in the bottom right. As they did last time, the artist has provided a detailed modern-naturalist interpretation of the animal, which is of course in the linked post. I recommend checking that out; maybe it's just because I'm the kind of huge nerd that I am, but I think these are great.

@treesurface (link to post here) gives us a Holghras that they describe as a cross between a bird of prey and a bird of paradise, which I think is a pretty good idea that fits both the aggressive behavior and the mating behavior described in the entry. I enjoy the fact that multiple artists have decided this bird Likes Big Tailfeathers (and it does lie, but about different things).

@ashfly (link to post here) gives us this picture of a juvenile Holghras holding up its clump of dirt. They also indicate that they have an idea of what it is, which I really hope they'll share now that it's posted and the bird's out of the bag, because I was 100% certain nobody would guess this one. The fuzzy bird is cute, of course, and the rainbow legs are really striking. (Pride legs, perhaps?) I also like that it's clearly looking over at the "camera" to see if we're buying it.

And finally, the official medieval depiction:

... hm. Yeah, some absolute bastard apparently cut out a bunch of the miniatures in this manuscript at one point. Luckily, we have the Ashmole Bestiary over at the Bodleian Library, which is extremely similar, so we can get an idea of the image that was here:

And also, this entry in the Aberdeen Bestiary comes with two images. Here's the other one:

I'm going to assume the choice of coloration was up to the individual artist and the missing Aberdeen illustration was also brown, because the Ashmole version of the egg-stealer also has the more colorful pattern:

Anyway, in case you haven't recognized it from these helpful and very accurate images, this is the partridge. Now you know what's going on in those pear trees.

I don't actually have anything else to add about that. I was frankly a little surprised there was even an entry for "partridge".

[basshole-astard]

hey you, blogger. do you find yourself in incredible pain daily? even weekly? despite being in your 30s, or younger? despite doing everything that's ""supposed"" to help?

On top of being in incredible pain, can you or could you at any point in your life:

bend yourself into funny positions like putting your foot behind your head

can bend down without fanfare and put your palms COMPLETELY FLAT on the floor

do your elbows bend a bit backwards? how about your knees?

you can bend your pinkies backwards 90 degrees

you find your joints are incredibly weak and garbage; wrists often in pain despite doing stretches; shoulders/neck always hurting no matter how good your posture is; can’t get down on your hands and knees because doing so is Ow Ow Oof Ouch

you have gastrointestinal issues that you cannot link to food in any way (yes, for real,)

headaches/migraines – especially unexplained, but even if you do have an explanation (for real)

never had enough room in your mouth for your teeth

vision prescription gets better and then gets worse again and you find yourself very confused about how??? why????

have really bad allergies including “I can’t use x soap it gives me a rash for some reason” or other similar “coming into contact with certain things makes me break out” (it’s called MCAS, it’s often comorbid)

stand up and your heartrate spikes and/or you get dizzy (that’s called POTS, also comorbid)

Then, hi, you might possibly have something called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, or EDS; specifically the hypermobile subtype (hEDS), which doesn’t yet have a known genetic marker and goes wildly underdiagnosed in patients, partly because the things they test for hypermobility are pretty limited, partly because doctors don’t know what it is, partly because doctors would rather diagnose you with a different condition (if arthritis or fibromyalgia diagnoses/treatment didn’t help, well...!) because if it sounds like a horse it’s PROBABLY a horse (but it could be a zebra)

Of course having any one of these does not an hEDS diagnosis make, but if you have multiple on my above list? Multiple of the list I am including below the cut? It’s worth looking into. You can continue on reading to see my brief overview, or you can head to www.ehlers-danlos.com to do your own research; they’re a great resource!

"I have a lot of these but not all of them" that's still worth looking into! I've only got five on the above list, and i definitely still have hEDS! Even three is worth considering!

more symptoms and info below the cut, if you want to hear it from a fellow blogger who was diagnosed at 25 and found the diagnosis Extremely Eye Opening as to why i was always in pain and Various Other Issues

---

General hEDS info: EDS itself is a genetic disorder that affects your connective tissue, which in general makes your joints weak and your ligaments weaker. hEDS is the most common subtype, in which you have a lot of EDS traits AND hypermobility BUT none of the genetic markers for the 12 other EDS subtypes.

“Wait, but this thing I can do is normal, my whole family can do it!” or “my mother’s side of the family is all like this!” hEDS is genetic. It’s possible to have it if your parents don’t, but VERY unlikely. So unlikely, in fact, that having immediate family history of hEDS is one of the 3 main diagnostic criteria for it. (You can still get diagnosed if you hit the other 2, but they only ask for 2/3.)

“Surely it can’t be so hard to diagnose that doctors don’t notice it!” my sister did not find out until she was in her 30s, because one of her friends has hEDS, and when my sister was bemoaning how useless doctors were, her friend was like “....hey those sound like MY symptoms, have you considered you might have hEDS?” (Which, due to it being genetic, is how my mom and I found out we also probably had it.) Also, much like ADHD, doctors are wary of diagnosing people with it, afraid they’re just trying to get the “good” meds.

“What good does a diagnosis/research even do me?” 1) an explanation for why you’re in pain all the time 2) knowledge so you can avoid doing things that would hurt you (you have to be SOOO careful with most forms of exercise!) 3) it’s a disorder that warrants higher pain meds than what you can get OTC, so if you are seriously in a lot of pain all the time, and would like to not be...

I’m gonna put a more in-depth list of symptoms below. If you have any five of them, I highly suggest you poke around www.ehlers-danlos.com and do your own research, because even if you aren’t in a position to get a clinical diagnosis right now, even suspecting you MIGHT Have it is useful, either for an explanation for all the things that seem wrong with your body that couldn’t otherwise be explained, or to know that... hey, you should really be careful with what kinds of physical exercise you’re doing, because your risk of injury for some sports is WAY higher than it is for people who don’t have hEDS. More on that below, as well.

-

Symptoms list time:

*THIS IS ALMOST DEFINITELY A MARKER OF hEDS*

hypermobile joints

unstable/weak joints

joints that dislocate frequently

CHRONIC PAIN

stretchy and fragile skin (classic EDS marker, but can show up in hEDS): do you bruise easily? Do cuts take forever to heal?

your parent(s) are also like this (it's a genetic disorder!! Chances are you got it from one of them!!! Love to hear “oh my hips do that too!!! Didn’t realize it wasn’t normal” thanks mom.)

"my parents don't have hEDS tho" are you sure. like. my mom didn't know until my sister found out she did. this thing is *wildly underdiagnosed*. Mom’s in her 50s and had doctors diagnose her with arthritis and fibromyalgia, the treatments for which didn’t help her because it wasn’t what was actually wrong

-

*OTHER THINGS THAT OFTEN COME FREE WITH YOUR hEDS*

chronic fatigue

gastrointestinal issues (if you thought you had IBS, but hit any of the hEDS things, you should consider, well, an hEDS diagnosis; gastroparesis is a common comorbidity)

dysautonomia; i don't have this but it causes things like POTS or "heartrate spikes when i stand" or "i get dizzy when i stand and lose vision briefly"

headaches (and/or migraines!)

MCAS, aka really bad allergies. your nose gets offended at the slightest bit of pollen. the weirdest materials give you a rash. you can only use one soap because all the other ones make you break out. etc.

...ADHD. I’m not shitting you. It is so frequently comorbid that in the UK when you test positive for either ADHD or hEDS they will immediately test you for the other. Connective tissue exists in your brain, as well, so I guess if your connective tissue just doesn’t function properly...

-

HEY CAN YOU PUT THIS IN NON-CLINICAL TERMS FOR ME

sure! did you, at any point in your life:

- able to bend into funny positions like put foot behind head; especially as a kid (hi! that's me!) but of particular note if you can still do those things now

- stretches like butterfly or crossing your arm over your chest just... don’t feel like stretches? (my sister)

- could you bend and without effort place your palms flat on the floor? can you still now? apparently most people struggle - without regular stretching - to touch their toes, let alone put their palms *completely flat* to the floor. that's hypermobility baby!

- elbows bend a little bit backwards? knees?

- can you bend your pinkies back 90 degrees?

- consider yourself double-jointed?

- shoulders/neck always hurt? and like your muscles are SOOOO tight in your neck all the time? hey guess what: the thing EDS does is make your body produce less collagen, which makes your ligaments weak as fuck, and so your muscles are constantly spasming to hold your head up. this is why you're in pain. this is why working the knots out never helps and they always come back. no, this isn't because you’re on your computer too much. your body was just built differently (poorly)

- stretching never seems to help? stretches make you hurt more??? or even: most forms of exercise cause you pain? yeah, most exercise/stretches are meant for Able Bodied People, not people with an underlying undiagnosed hypermobility disorder. You have to adapt them to your needs, and also stretches will never be the be-all-end-all solution to back pain like those funny little infographics on the internet will try and tell you. Maybe it is for able-bodied people, if you have a genetic condition that causes chronic pain, well,

- “but my shoulders are soooo tight tho” POINTING ABOVE AGAIN. they are doing that because the muscles have to overcompensate for your weak ligaments. Stretching does not fix this; you may loosen your muscles, but they will simply tighten again later. The real fix is doing exercises to improve your shoulder muscle stability – I’ll talk about some exercises below.

- have you ever thought to yourself "what the hell, i'm too young to be in this much pain all the time??" you're right! it might be hEDS.

- struggle with opening jars? weak upper body strength? randomly lose your grip on things you’re holding with your hands? “are you serious” I’m serious

- can't crawl on your hands and knees because that hurts your wrists and your knees?

- tangentially: did your parents say you crawled funny as a kid? army crawl? started walking way earlier than expected? yeah.

- you can't squat or kneel because ow oof ow your ankles ow ow your knees? yeah.

- is getting up from the floor hard sometimes?? despite being 30 or younger???? yeah.

- despite everything, and not trying to be, you're still kind of really flexible???

- like, you could do the splits as a kid without having to train yourself to do it?? you can still do the splits now without any effort at all?

- do you seem to get injured really easily? joints especially, or, again, bruised really easily.

- are you in pain right now? think about it. shoulders? back? legs? did you see the part where one of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS is chronic pain? yeah.

i could probably keep going.

-

~here's some specific connective tissue disorder things; i've included only the extremely "normal" ones that haven’t already been listed above and/or are easy to check yourself. you can find a full list at https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ under "how is hEDS diagnosed?"~

listed above: stretchy/fragile skin. By stretchy btw I mean: can you pinch your skin anywhere and pull and get even half an inch away from your body? Neck/back of hand is a good place to try. If you can’t pinch your skin at all w/o hitting Meat then you don’t have this (I don’t, even tho my sister does!) but it’s worth looking out for and alone is like THE thing EDS (all types) is characterized by, so if your skin stretches, that’s of particular notice (but your skin not stretching does not disqualify you from having EDS)

stretch marks (they hate to use this if you're afab, but,)

"Bilateral piezogenic papules of the heel" uh when you're standing are your heels kinda. lumpy. like they got balls in 'em. that's what this is. (this is one of the things i have)

dental crowding (lol!!!!)

can you close your thumb+pinky around both your wrists? (steinberg sign)

when you make fists, thumbs underneath fingers, do your thumbs stick out past your fingers? (walker sign)

-

“Hey, I’m not really hypermobile - is it still possible to have hEDS??”

in theory! I’m only mildly hypermobile myself, outside of the “foot behind head” trick from when i was ten and the “can even now at 25 bend down and put palms flat on floor with no effort” i have… basically no other signs of hypermobility. Though, I guess “things that should be stretches like butterfly or touching your toes are super easy and not stretches for me” also counts as being hypermobile, huh. It’s just really mild.

And, you know, maybe you just have a different EDS subtype. EDS as a whole is not super well understood, so the chances you got a doctor who didn’t know what it was / didn’t want to order a genetic test about it is still, like, high enough it’s worth looking into, I think.

Basically every issue my body has can be drawn back to hEDS, and that kind of knowledge is insane but also really liberating. There is a cause for this. I’m not just in pain for no reason – or worse – because I’m “bad” at taking care of myself. I have a genetic disorder that makes it so my joints don’t work right and also I’m in pain all the time. It’s not necessarily happy, but at least it’s an explanation, instead of sitting there and shrugging and going “I dunno” about it.

So, sincerely, if even five of the things I’ve listed above sound familiar to you, I think you should look into it. Maybe you’ll research and go “oh, that doesn’t sound like me at all, actually”, but on the chance you, like me, start researching and find yourself going “THAT’S WHAT’S BEEN CAUSING THAT THIS WHOLE TIME????” I think it’s worth looking into. That validation is sincerely quite freeing.

-

“Ok, you've convinced me. Now what do I do?”

first of all research some more!

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/ <-- EDS overview and EDS subtypes! Maybe you have one that isn’t hEDS

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/what-is-eds/hypermobile-ehlers-danlos-syndrome-heds/ <-- hEDS specific page

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/heds-diagnostic-checklist/ <-- hEDS diagnostic checklist

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/#1667831445611-fb40d58e-84a4 <-- the checklist opens on something called the Beighton scale, which is explained in more detail here. **IF YOU DO NOT SCORE HIGH ON THE BEIGHTON SCALE BUT STILL HAVE MOST OTHER HEDS ISSUES, PRESS FOR DIAGNOSIS NONETHELESS. ENTIRELY POSSIBLY YOU ARE HYPERMOBILE IN AREAS THAT AREN’T TRACKED BY THE BEIGHTON SCALE. IT’S IMPERFECT AND PROBABLY NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BUT THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN AROUND TO IT YET.**

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/2017-eds-classification-non-experts/ <-- EDS things in layman’s terms, including comorbidities, like what I was talking about wrt gastrointestinal issues, orthopedic issues, chronic fatigue issues, etc, etc, etc. if you have issues with allergies look at the Mast Cell Disorder one. if you have that “heartrate spikes or I get dizzy when I stand” issue look at the Cardiovascular Autonomic Dysfunction one.

(ngl, sorry if its gross, but learning that hEDS often comes packaged with gastrointestinal issues was what really sealed the whole deal for me being convinced, despite “your sister has it and your mom almost definitely has it” being EXTREMELY damning evidence, because. I have had issues with diarrhea my whole goddamn life. I can’t tie it to food. It just curses me daily.)

second of all: talk to your doctor! or, find a doctor in your area that specializes in EDS. book an appointment, see what they can offer you. they can probably hook you up with physical therapy options (to safely strengthen your muscles to compensate for your weak connective tissue) or some pain management options! If you find the physical therapist is making you do things that make you hurt more and they repeatedly do not listen to you and your body, fire them and find a new physical therapist. 

https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/healthcare-professionals-directory/ <-- list of doctors. 

Third of all: find a support group if you’d like? There’s FB groups and Reddit groups and probably even more. Links to some of them here: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/support/ 

YMMV because hEDS sometimes gets shit on by people with the other EDS subtypes, but at the very least, if a fellow Zebra is bitching about a doctor, you’ll know who to avoid. 

Fourth: Just… if you think you might have it, I want you to take a step back and reconsider the way you feel about yourself and maybe about the exercise you are/aren’t doing. I had a lot of compounded guilt about how I “wasn’t taking good enough care of myself” ; when you’re in pain all the time you sometimes start blaming yourself, especially if you, like me, find that exercise is difficult and painful and that stretching doesn’t ACTUALLY help, you quit doing it. But you don’t always quit thinking “well apparently if I did those stretches to prevent back pain that people always talk about, then I wouldn’t have any back pain!!!!!!” and that kind of mindset... sucks.

It's also not true. Like, not in general, but also especially not if you have hEDS. My back is in pain because my body was built different (poorly), NOT because I “wasn’t doing the right thing”.

So here’s my get out of jail free card, for you. You aren’t in pain because you aren’t doing anything to “fix” it. You’re just in pain. Sure, you can do some (specialized) (hEDS friendly ones) exercises to help combat it, or you could go take some painkillers, but... your pain is not a punishment for your decision not to exercise. Your pain just kinda... is.

Every generalized exercise advice you see online you need to take with a grain of salt anyway, because it was not written for people with a hypermobility disorder. If doing it doesn’t help, then you don’t need to push through the pain because “it’s the thing that’s supposed to fix everything!!!!” No no. There is no correct answer. There is no one-size fits all. If it doesn’t help, or if it hurts, then you shouldn’t do it.

I say this from a place of love. I spent several months trying to fix my wrist pain with stretches, and you know what never went away? My wrist pain. In fact, I’m mildly convinced the stretches made the pain worse. I kept pushing through it for ages, though, because I kept getting told it was supposed to help, and that it was IMPORTANT as someone who spends all day on the computer to TAKE CARE OF MY WRISTS via THESE STRETCHES WE HAVE HELPFULLY COMPILED ONTO AN INFOGRAPHIC FOR YOU!!!!! ...but that’s not how it works. The rules are a little different when you have a hypermobility disorder. You have to really look into exercises that are safe for you to do, instead of just assuming the ones that everyone passes around are going to help.

“Man, so even those shoulder stretches you see around might not help?” nope! They might not!

“What do I do then?” strengthening exercises... I’ll put resources / explain one easy one (for shoulders) below.

Also if you are someone with a job that requires sitting at the computer all day, and you’re worried about how that affects your health... Even if you just get up once every two hours and walk around / look at something else (even your bathroom!!!) for a little bit, that’s fine, that’s plenty, that’s more than enough. You don’t have to stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes. You shouldn’t stretch your shoulders every 30 minutes if that’s hurting you.

RESOURCES TIME

1) https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/resource/strengthen-your-hypermobile-core-a-home-exercise-approach-for-eds-hsd-and-hypermobility-jeannie-di-bon/ <-- webinar that covers at-home exercises you can do

2) and a whole playlist of at-home exercises (in reasonable sized video chunks) by one of the experts, here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLp-oNOmoFdAMFZB7XfpUZyvg_xzE3S3Ue – DISCLAIMER I HAVE NOT WATCHED OR USED THESE, SO WHILE I CAN SAY I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE FEATURED WERE SHE NOT A REAL EXPERT, PLEASE JUST. Err on the side of caution. If even one of these hurts you, try not to do it until you can talk with your personal physical therapist, which, yes, I realize requires Acquiring one first..... worth poking around tho, this person has a ton of tips on how to be careful with your joints while doing chores and day-to-day tasks as well, it seems. Actual advice that might actually help you instead of “oh make sure to stretch every 30 minutes!!!!” (might not help) or “have you tried jogging? Its free and easy!!!!!” (sport that is more likely to injure you thanks to the weak joints thing)

3) You can also search “exercise” on ehlers-danlos.com and come up with a ton of other pages/videos/etc of EDS friendly exercises produced by the experts that run this site.

4) That One Easy One I Can Explain In A tumblr Post: Bridging

Meant for core stability, but also works towards strengthening your shoulder muscles as well. Bridges!!! You can probably look up guides, or the lady I linked above has a video that includes her doing bridges about 4 minutes in. here's the video (link).

The version I do involves going up for five seconds, then down for five seconds, repeating for a minute (time yourself). Each day add on ten seconds (so second day you do a minute ten, third day minute twenty, etc) until you are eventually able to do it for three minutes. You do not need to go past three minutes. You are recommended not to. You are recommended to work up to 3 minutes and then continue doing it for 3 minutes every day.

(It doesn’t have to be every day nor does it necessarily have to be 3 minutes every time; if I’m tired or in a hurry I’ll just do two minutes. If I’m really tired I’ll just skip it and do it the next day. No big deal!)

That’s all I got. Thanks for listening to me rant. Hope it was enlightening at all!

[frozenjokes]

Hermitdragons Masterpost (Wings of Fire x Hermitcraft/Third Life AU)

Grainshifter (Grian) was born to the Nightwings under one full moon, giving him the power to read minds. However, as fortold by Nightwing seers, he also possesses animus magic, a power that the Nightwings will use to bring their tribe into greater glory, becoming Watchers that feed off the strong emotions of the other dragon species, particularly fear. When Grainshifter attends Jade Mountain Academy in disguise as a Skywing called Grian, the Watchers take notes, and years later they surprise him with his very own death game featuring all his friends.

hello hello! this fic is on hiatus, and while I would like to finish it one day, it is my first foray into fic writing basically ever, and my writing has improved dramatically since a year ago when I started to write this. It’s been a while since I’ve reread this, but I have been told it’s good! lol. However! There’s still a lot of content (70k words and SO MUCH ART) so let’s get into it!

Fic One - Ruler of Everything

After Grian betrays Nightwatcher secrets to one of his best friends, Scar, he is punished by the Nightwatchers and placed into a death game with all of his past friends from the academy. However, there are two dragons he does not know; Scott, a Seawing who seems mostly normal, and Martyn, a dragon whose mind he can not read at all. Whose mind no one can read. Whose body can not be manipulated by animus magic. Soon, it is clear that Grian is not the only dragon here that is being punished.

Fic Two - Mechanical Hands (this fic does not exist but in theory it would after the first)

Grian comes to terms with his relationship with the Nightwatchers, finally realizing and accepting that they do not love him, and only want to use him. He teams up with Martyn in a shared goal of destroying animus magic, but a massive problem still stands; they’re both still stuck in these death games. And their friends are still under the Nightwatchers’ magical control. As the games go on, things are starting to feel hopeless, but revealing the secret of Martyn’s immunity to animus magic that he has so desperately tried to keep might just be the solution these trapped dragons need to escape.

Beyond these summaries, I’m going to try and keep these story explanations brief, however, if you’re interested is All Of The Art + commentary + more story explored through the art, then you can keep reading under the cut :) also just as a warning there is a lot of undetailed cartoon blood below

Designs

before writing, these were my first pass of most of the designs in the series! As you can probably tell from the references of the main three characters at the top, Scar, Grian, and even Martyn have changed quite a bit, and if I ever return to this series, other designs will probably change as well. Except Joel and Bdubs. Those are peak. The biggest change from these designs, is that Jimmy is not actually a dragon in this fic!(which is why I included the third picture with him, Scott, and Grian) He is super human, and he dies first for A REASON. He just looks the way canon Jimmy does, minus the wings.

Full Pieces

I made two fully rendered pieces for this fic. To the left is a scene from the academy where Pearl, Ren, and BigB are play fighting in the mountains while Grian and Scar watch. Grian is very uptight in the academy, struggling socially, and his friends, painfully aware Grian comes from a bad home situation and possibly raised in a cult, are trying to help him relax and have a nice time in school while he has the chance.

On the right is a scene from far into the death game, where Scar is overtaken by the magic of his red life, and is threatening to force Grian to kill all three Dogwarts dragons, and at the same time, blowing himself up in the process. The dragon on the left is Skizz and I hate his design, however the little tie thing is hilarious.

Chapter Headers

I made a ton of headers for the chapters of this fic, though most of them are broken on ao3 as far as I’m aware. However, you can see them here!

dragons featured in order of appearance: Scar, Pearl, BigB, Grian, Martyn, Scott, Jimmy, Ren. This isn’t actually every header but I’m going to run out of images and these cover most of them. The ones I left out aren’t anything special.

Mini Comics + Misc Art

I have literally run out of image slots. But that’s okay (most of the stuff was covered, but if you want to scroll through the hermitdragons tag then feel free). Hope you enjoyed regardless! This series is still very close to my heart, and even though I kind of lost touch with it, it’s something I still love dearly. Thanks for reading :)

[luciluck2046-utdr]

Welcome to the (non) official

BLOG!!! (For short LUW)

This AU is my own idea. There may be some questions you may ask yourself, but first let me explain what this blog is for.

This post is the main one, I recommend checking it if you're new to this AU. Here I'll post everything Luci's Underwitch related. Or almost everything. I'll try. (I may have missed some art from my main acc, it is @luciluck2046)

Let me give you a brief explanation of the AU. Luci's Underwitch is an AU where all monsters are actually humanized, being called Witches. Frisk is 12 during their travel around the Underground, doing the Pacifist Run, and in the end, accepting the job as the ambassador of Witches, but going 'home' to their dad. Chara fallows them pretty much everywhere, and likes Frisk very much, being besties.

Now several months fast forward, Frisk lives with the Dreemurr Family. Asriel (11 y/o) and Kris(5 y/o) are their siblings, and Toriel takes care of all of them, dating Sans (mhm, I'm one of them Soriel shipers).

Ten years later, Frisk and Asriel are at college, and Kris found out about the Dark Worlds!.. The year now it's 2025, and Kris with Susie are now at their homes, waiting for their siblings to come back from college for Easter! Scarlett is one of Frisk's best friends, maybe even more than friends! And Asriel is still single since he's autistic as fvck.

Toghether, Frisk (with Chara ofc), Kris, Asriel, Susie and Ralsei are going into a steampunk adventure in Frisk's closet.(all of this is happening after Chapter 2. I am going to play the next Chapters when they're out, and add them to another fanfic)

Under the cut you'll have more, and at the end there will be the questions.

'kay, the explanation wasn't that brief. I am going to make a comic about it, but I am still learning about how to draw perspective and hair sooooooo y'all won't get this soon.

I have two fanfics on the way with this AU, and a third one might appear after I finish the second.

The main fanfic is called Lost Souls, The First Part explaining different events from Frisk's life after they got out of the Underground, and The Second Part is going to fallow the two humans into the closet adventure! (The closet has nothing to do with lgbt, but the fanfic surely has a bunch of lgbt in it)

I might upload several chapters in a day, or forget about it for weeks. If anyone wants to read more and I haven't uploaded a new chapter in a long while, uhhhhh tell me? (My dumbass my forget fast)🫡🫡🫡

The link to it? I might add an AO3 link too after I figure out how to use that website-

The second fanfic is called Underground Adventures, fallowing Frisk trough the Underground. This one will be out all at once, not by parts, so it's no worth to put the link here.

Now the third fanfic. It's going to be called Runes And Adventures. It's going to be abt Kris in the dark world, during Chapter 1-2. The Chapters 3-4 are going to get a separate fanfic, since they're gonna be AFTER the steampunk adventure. I am not even working on how to write it or any ideas, since it's going to take a long time, and it's not the biggest deal. I might not write it at all, since you get to see most of Kris's interactions in the game already, but who knows?

NOW!!! The possible questions(since I can't say FAQ)

1. Why is it called Luci's Underwitch?

Well, it was supposed to be called Underwitch. But apparently that exists already so I had to add my name to it. TwT

2. How do the characters look?

Well, if you've been on my main, @luciluck2046, you would see a bunch of fanarts, but I'll post them here too a bit later.

3. Comic?

Not yet. I suck.

4. Inspiration?

I got inspired to make this AU after I finished TOH(The Owl House), and also I liked the idea of humans with magic that UnderMate has. So yeah, I kinda combined those two with Undertale and my creativity, and I got this AU!

Reference sheets

Welp, it seems you got to the end of the main post! I might update this often, but who knows? See you later my friend, and have fun reading!

[huntunderironskies]

A Call to Action

Hi all.

I wish I had better news to give. I thought long and hard about whether or not I should share this because I will be functionally doxxing myself when I do. But I've had several days to sleep on it and think about what to do. I've come to the conclusion that this is more important than me. This will be a long post but I urge you to read all of it. I'm afraid I have to be thorough here given the situation.

I think everyone who has been following me for more than a week knows how much I love religious studies as a field. It is my single greatest passion in life.

Unfortunately my school, UNC Greensboro, is trying to eliminate our department under claims of it being "not financially justifiable," among others (including anthropology and all Korean language classes.) These claims are highly spurious. Debunking this in full will take some time but I'll try to cover as much ground as I can in the relatively short space I am given and provide some sources. If anyone needs further elaboration, I'll report to the best of my abilities.

This is all to lead into the fact that I would like to provide some opportunities for people to help us out over here, which I will cover at the end. The shortest possible version is: please signal boost this. I do urge you to read it in full, though.

With the first introduction out of the way...

A Second But Very Brief Introduction to Religious Studies and a Justification of Its Presence in Academia (Given the Natural Bent of this Site is Sometimes Towards Antitheism)

Feel free to skip this if you have any familiarity with religious studies as a discipline, I'm putting it here because I find that it's often confounded with theology and every time I talk about it someone asks me if I'm going to be a priest (no.)

To be clear, religious studies is not theology. It does not purport the existence of any higher spiritual powers or presences. It is strictly the study of religion and spirituality as a force in human culture. This falls under both negative and positive effects, and covers everything from historical impact to individual psychology to macrosociological effects of religion to the simple understanding and study of mythology and folklore.

While internalized cultural norms are of course an issue that must be overcome by any scholar, for a religious studies scholar the Catholic Worker, the Sikh ragi, and the long-dead Sumerian ašipu should all have their beliefs and inner lives treated with the exact same sort of gravity and understanding, no matter how far their own beliefs might be from our own. It is, in my subjective opinion, the most humanizing of all the humanities because we are forced to operate on a deeply personal, vulnerable level.

I wish I didn't have to explain why these sorts of skills are important, especially given the current climate of intolerance that has been growing across the world and the growth of anti-intellectualism. I recognize that I might have to but I don't want to linger on that given everything else I have to cover in this post. Go ahead and ask as I do love talking about my field but I might take some time to answer.

A Brief Summary of Events Beforehand

My school has hired a firm known as rpk Group (lack of capitalization true to actual title) to restructure school funding financially with a focus on eliminating programs deemed to not earn enough for the school. Here is a brief explanation from the source itself. I apologize if the school website's CSS is still broken and it's difficult to read due to the social media icons being about thirty times the size they should be. Apparently they couldn't find the funding to pay a web designer instead of an expensive financing firm.

Those of you who have kept up with news in American academia may recognize this as the same group that forced cuts at West Virginia University. Please keep that in mind as we go forward.

Here are the high points:

Religious studies attained a passing grade under the rubric set out by the school. There have been active attempts to hide the scoring system from anyone but faculty. The spreadsheet in which the data was published has been password protected (source, which also contains several other refutations to the chancellor's talking points.)

For those who wish to keep score, anthropology did as well and our anthropology program is known for being quite good. This is without going into the other benefits the anthropology program provides the school with, which include such things as a community garden.

There were lower scoring programs that were kept. In other words, the decision-making process has been entirely inscrutable.

This is supported by the fact that the administration has been giving out incorrect numbers regarding program attendance to both news outlets and students, with some programs proposed to be cut having their student enrollment off by several factors.

Religious studies had over five times as many students as was originally reported. The Chinese language minor was reported to have zero students when there were thirty-six. To operate with this level of error from alleged professionals beggars belief and undermines any faith I would've had in this process.

The administration has claimed that they used the correct numbers in their rubrics. As they will not publish further data to myself nor the public, I have no evidence this is actually true.

They were going to cut Korean language as a minor. We don't have a Korean language minor. We do have a track of Korean language and I am given to understand as of this semester, culture courses. Which are operated solely by one professor and are consistently full or close to capacity due to popularity. There is no evidence they are losing the school money and I have several testimonials that the Korean culture-related programs have drawn students to UNCG as it is a unique niche the school gives not just over other UNC schools but over other colleges and universities.

Faculty and students were given information about what programs would be cut at precisely the same time, through an email sent schoolwide. Many students and faculty were in class at the time this was sent and had to proceed as if they weren't about to have their programs eliminated.

The administration alleges that current students will be able to finish their degrees. I have little faith this is the case for reasons that will take a while to get into but, to summarize as briefly as possible, completion of a degree here requires certain high-level classes that may be difficult to obtain with faculty cuts.

The chancellor alleges that Jewish Studies and Islamic Studies will not be affected by the elimination of religious studies, despite the fact that they are hosted under the department and Islamic Studies uses the same funding. As such, I believe that the highly technical and academic category used to refer to this sort of thing is "a blatant lie."

The administration has tried to quietly edit out any errors in original reporting. I am pleased to report that, as many of us intensely online people know, the Wayback Machine exists. Here is the original statistically incorrect press release that was given, which they have tried to bury.

While they have held forums, these have largely been ceremonial gestures rather than serious attempts at communication. At the one I went to, all non-administration speakers were given only two minutes to speak while the chancellor and dean were given as much time as possible to respond. Their responses to concerns were often dismissive and rarely addressed the necessary issues. I believe any person present will back me up on this, though I am not currently in possession of a voice recording.

I must operate within the evidence I am given. The best-faith interpretation of their actions is that the metrics they were using to determine what cuts should be made are incorrect and must be re-done before going through with any sort of program cuts, and that the administration's collaboration process with the group they employed is poor to nonexistent given the scattershot information provided. There is very, very clearly a communications breakdown somewhere along the line that raises this entire procedure into question.

I think it goes without saying it's all downhill from there. The level of arbitrariness with regards to cuts, lack of professionalism, and total lack of transparency would lead a reasonable person to believe there are heavy political motivations involved here and not simple brute facts. You are welcome to draw your own conclusions anywhere along this spectrum, of course. I encourage you to be skeptical.

Lastly, if I can't convince you that it's worth stopping this process to save religious studies, think about the anthropology department. Think about the languages that are getting cut. Think about physics or mathematics. A large-scale public university without a physics program is quite frankly unreal and the fact it's primarily humanities being targeted runs parallel with some sinister trends within American education. This process should, at the very least, be halted for time being.

What You (the Reader) Can Do

Firstly, be aware that we have until February 1st before decisions are finalized. I apologize for the short time limit. Myself and other members of the community were taken completely by surprise as well, and once again as I mentioned above it has caused some level of cynicism around the motivations of the administration.

With that out of the way...make noise about this. The school administration is making all efforts to keep this quiet. I can say the good news is that according to other people on the ground, they are beginning to lose control of their narrative that they are making difficult financial decisions to keep the school financially solvent.

Believe it or not, the farther removed you are, the better. If this hits a national scale then the school may be finally forced to acknowledge they are rapidly causing the otherwise prestigious UNC system, typically considered to be one of the best public university systems in the US, to be a national laughingstock and that they will lose money as their reputation declines in a way that they would not have if they'd simply carried out this process in a more reasonable way.

You can sign our petitions here and here. Easy enough, takes about three minutes, self-explanatory.

Finally, reach out to an academic or any passionate learner in a specialized field today. A lot of us feel understandably threatened and demoralized. Again, this is not just about me or even about my school. This is about trends within the American education system. Explaining the hows and whys in full detail is not within the scope of this post, but I think a reasonable person can conclude after looking at the current evidence that there is a dismantling of American schools in favor of a corporatized existence. For those of us who love knowledge and learning, this is incredibly sinister. Knowledge should not have a price tag put on it.

A Final Word

I and several other people have Chancellor Gilliam on record saying that he has dedicated his life to working at the collegiate level and towards students. While he and the administration have tried to ensure that their statements outside of highly controlled environments are not easily accessible, I should be able to provide a clip if needed given that this statement was livestreamed and North Carolina is a one-party-consent state in regards to recordings.

They have consistently characterized this process as having to make hard decisions to keep the university afloat. The chancellor is currently the highest-paid employee within UNCG itself and the fourth highest-paid member of administration within the UNC system as a whole (source.) Please be aware this does not include other benefits, which in 2022 put his salary above $500,000 (source.) As others have, I must ask why these "difficult decisions" within the school have not included a salary cut for himself if he is so dedicated to improving the lives of students.

Thank you for your time and consideration. If you've gotten this far, you've already listened more than anyone outside of the academic departments have and that means a lot to me in and of itself.

[rafent]

"I see you spent quite a bit of time with the blacksmith." It had been risky, but the Margrave felt himself responsible for a once over of the people before he set back off. One might even think of it as some sort of homesickness. "He was quite sad you all couldn't stay longer, he even asked me to relay a message saying come back as soon as time allowed." "All of that is to say, thank you. I've nothing I can give now to properly express it but I assure you, you'll know the spoils of Gautier far better after a while." The Margrave turned to look at the rest of the people around them. "...In the end we could only do this because of everyone gathered here...regardless of so many things that would set us apart, here we are working together." "Rafal," he spoke softly, more as if he felt ashamed for even asking such a thing. "If it had been possible...how many do you think would have left?" "I can certainly understand the sentiment...Fodlan is nothing but a temporary home for some at best and a brief retreat from the lives they're raring to return to...I wonder if we were elsewhere, how many of Fodlan's would have chosen such an option as well..."

Arms as full of chores as of weapons. Fruitful his party's endeavors and weary their legs with excitement enough to confine one to a fortnight of rest. Between informal apprenticeship at the anvil and ensnarement at the inn, the recent trip to a newfound city would not be easily forgotten in more ways than one. Rafal reckoned that the passing of a thousand years would not be sufficient for fading its memory. As for his opinion on those uniquely involved?

Friendly face, ease of welcome, and a warmth to rival smelting fires. Thinking of these–or desiring strictly not to think of them—the presence of pinkly dusted earlobes hinted at his embarrassment. ". . .A plainly ridiculous notion. How might one ever feel sad for someone known across the sparsity of a single day?"

So was said, yet perhaps there were something to be said of reflection; how curious the void that might form in the absence of someone who had taught him so much in so little time. The heart was a fickle muscle, could be the only explanation, prone to attachments and misguided claims of substance where there existed little to none. Rafal shook his head gruffly, as much to ward off a sentimental deluge of thoughts as to answer Matthias with just one.

"Think nothing of it, my actions were unremarkable. The adversities trivial."

Adversities that, by the very tone of the other man, had not been totally left behind with the city they'd departed from. Shifting of the invisible, minuscule though it was, caught both eye and ear. The dragon considered what he was asked and answered it with honesty, a stable presence of mind that faltered for nothing. Not even to spare the feelings of one silently acknowledged a friend.

"The possibility of deserters is impossible to place a finger on. Even more futile to be troubled by. Many who remain will do so for as long as it serves their interests. This will not change, Matthias, whether you should fear the outcome or not." A glance to the nondescript crowd before them bustling with faces and people; crimson watching as if for someone. More than one. "Preserving oneself, preserving one's treasures, these are reasons greater than any allegiance to a place."

Return to Matthias, calm and unblinking: "However, there exists a second constant: so long as there is merit to remaining here, you shall find those who will stay."

[moreespressoformydepresso]

hi brownie! i just broke my heart over your treaper fics and those boys are in desperate need for a happy ending so i have some time travel fix it ideas-

reaper wakes up on the train with a clear mind and memories of being sang to sleep (to death) by a boy who he had only met in a cage of the capitol's making. it was a hazy blur, something that might have been a dream or nightmare, until he sees the boy again.

treech, reaper knows, and when their eyes meet upon seeing each other in that cramped truck transporting them to the zoo enclosure, he thinks that treech knows him, too.

treech had waken alongside lamina, who he'd missed, who he'd mourned, and thinks he's hallucinating. it wasn't reaper, but he grabbed it with desperate hands, no longer stained with blood as they had been moments before. it takes him a bit longer to work out that he's back to relive the horrors again, but the relief he'd felt seeing reaper, realizing he wouldn't be alone in this repetition, in what could be a second chance, is overwhelming.

so, after a bit of time to comfort each other, they get to talking aobut what to do. treech isn't leaving lamina behind, and reaper doesn't want to abandon dill either, so they're trying to work out something to get the four of them out- except it's not a very big enclosure so someone overhearing their escape plan quickly spirals into all of the tributes plotting to get the heck out. treech and reaper know what's to come, it's just a matter of working out a plan to escape & what point in time would give them the best chance of success.

maybe it's intervening early to keep brandy alive (and verbally tearing arachne a new one while they're at it). maybe it's getting closer to their mentors to get some actual support for their situation. maybe it's during the arena bombing and using that chance to book it out of there. maybe it's just collectively deciding that they're not going to kill each other in the arena bc if the capitol wants to prove they're monsters, then they're going to raise the mirror back at them. if it's that last one, then maybe they all just get a chance to be kids having a found family arc :)

(anyways, love all your fics and fix its! thanks for writing them <3)

Hiii!!

>:D

Oh My God I saw your comments and they made me so happy!! For one because someone actually read it and commented and for two because mission accomplished. I'm glad I broke your heart with the rarepair I created and am the only shipper of :p.

Honestly yeah this would be an amazing explanation for how any given fix-it starts. Two dumbasses in love don't wanna lose each other or their friends again and it spirals. Aside from the obvious coming to terms with all this, the happiness at seeing their lost ones alive again and the brief panic at having to relive this all over again, I bring you a new fix-it AU:

Star Crossed Lovers save the world, but several decades earlier and a whole lot more gay

Treech and Reaper have their reunion and decide it's obvious what they're here to do: Save all the tributes (and unbeknownst to them the whole of Panem). They bring their partners into this and a few other tributes overhear and join. While they briefly discuss escaping, it quickly becomes clear there are simply too many things that could go wrong and too many factors out of their control for it to be viable. Such a large group of kids simply doesn't have the luck for any plan to succeed, and while they'd usually try it anyway... They have a better idea. After all, they have a massive trump card in the knowledge of what this all is about. These games are supposed to be entertaining, and they're a way for the Capitol to convince itself that its better than the districts. Well what better way to shake that up than to play out a love story and make people sympathise with them?

So the two lay the ground works for their "growing romance" so it doesn't feel out of the blue while Lucy Gray steals hearts in the zoo. When Brandy is about to attack Arachne, Treech calls out to her and gives her half of the loaf of bread he just got from juggling, ignoring the Capitol visitors' eyes on him as he gives Arachne a look somewhere between disappointed and disturbed. Then he looks at the rest of his food and sighs slightly before giving it to the tributes that need it the most. That evening they bring the other tributes into it and explain the big events that will definitely happen despite their interference with the timeline. The interviews, the bombing, and the Plinth Prize motivation for the mentors. Oh also Sejanus being trustworthy. They decide to try and show their mentors that the districts are people too in hopes of planting a seed of doubt large enough to get them out of the games in the long run because they're smart enough to realize they don't have actual power here. Just the ability to try and influence those who do. Now, Treech was very uncharitable to Vipsania in the last timeline for very valid reason, but he's had a while to come to terms with it and those minutes (maybe even hours, he's not sure. It's a blur) after Reaper's death gave him some perspective in hindsight. She wasn't great, but a part of her did care. Besides, reliving that week before the games reminded him that it isn't her fault. She was indoctrinated and raised to believe what she did, so while he can hate her for how she treated him he can't exactly fault her. Besides, she did send that drone that saved him from rabbid Reaper's attack in the last few minutes of the actual games. This time, he'll just be a little nicer from the start and see if anything changes or not. Reaper also gives Clemensia a chance, though he still doesn't say much to her and dislikes her. All the other tributes do their best to not be too harsh, but they haven't been through this already so it's a lot more difficult for them.

This set of dominoes wildly impacts the rest of the timeline. For one, Treech giving his food to Brandy made him even more popular than he was originally in the rankings, and it happened far earlier than before too. This means there's a lot more attention on him than last time, which is great because that means his little romance arc with Reaper will be far more known-about. Vipsania is satisfied with this until the first interview between tributes and mentors. She's pleased he knows how to use an ax but when she tells him not to help the "competition" anymore since he's already got the attention he gets upset with her because they deserve kindness and he won't add to their misery. This throws Vipsania for a loop because it destroys everything she's ever thought about the districts. He refuses to answer the questionaire at first but then they properly get talking and oh no he's wormed his way into her heart while being clearly upset with her. Now what? How can she fix this? Clemensia has a similar experience, receiving very little from Reaper at first but inevitably reaching the conclusion that he's a kid who doesn't wanna hurt people and he's right to distrust her. They talk to the other mentors and this means all mentors start paying attention to their tributes, realizing they're just kids and starting to care for them. Naturally this ends up causing a conflict because they all wanna save their tribute but that means the others have to die and they can see that that would emotionally destroy their friends.

They talk to non-mentor students about it too and from there it just starts to spread. Vipsania and Clemensia are particularly worried about the Treaper arc happening, but the two lovebirds continue because they know through the grapevine (people talking outside the enclosure) that they're front page news. They succesfully help avoid casualties during the bombing, saving their mentors from death in the process and causing the two mentors to care even more deeply about them. So much so that they and the other mentors who were saved by their tributes (like Apollo and Diana) talk about it to the news. More front page news!! Gaul is ripping her hair out.

During the interviews, the two steal hearts with their cute love story and then break hearts when Treech starts crying at the mention of the games. just before the end of the interview, Lucky asks Treech how he plans on killing Reaper, since he'll have to if he wants to win, and Treech has been perfectly composed, cheerful and friendly and charming throughout the entire interview but... He still remembers waving away the warning signs just to spend more time with the boy he wasn't allowed to love. He remembers falling down the beams and running through the tunnels, hiding in the booth and tumbling down from the stands. Worse, he remembers Reaper's confused cries, the blade, the blood soaking through his pants and that all-consuming cold spreading through his body. And he knows he has to answer, he knows he has to keep up his charming stage persona and make people love him but for just a moment he can feel the rapidly cooling blood on his hands again, drenching them. No matter how hard he tries, Treech can't stop the tears from falling as he chokes on his words, trying in vain to form sentences before giving up and sobbing brokenly into his hands. Reaper tries to charge onto the stage to comfort him but the peacekeepers stop him. Once Treech is led off-stage and close enough Reaper wraps his boyfriend into a hug and comforts him as best he can. When it's his turn and Lucky asks the same question he asked Treech, Reaper doesn't cry. No, he remains completely calm as he bluntly states he won't.

"Oh? But a confrontation is very possible. What do you plan to do if it's just the two of you left standing?"

"Easy." Reaper said. "I'll kill myself."

Despite not being near a microphone, Treech screams out loud enough for everyone to be able to hear his heartwrenching "No!" from where he's seated with Lamina. Lucky decides to push Reaper and tells him he's being irrational, but the boy is unimpressed and coldly states he'd rather let the Capitol torture him to death than be the reason Treech's family gets him back in a coffin. Lucky tells the audience they'll have to wait and see how true that statement is and they move on to the next interview. When the games come, the tributes are all scared but determined. They've already decided they'll refuse to attack one another, but it's still a very scary situation for all of them. For the first time, they'll be plunged into entirely unknown territory. Until that point they had a general idea of what would happen, but they're gonna interfere with the games so much by not fighting that there's no way to know what will happen. Treech and Reaper make sure to warn everyone that if a big black box comes down from the sky they have to get off the ground or into the tunnels because there will be snakes in it and they won't be friendly. Reaper and Treech continue their little romance to the point of actually staying together by the time day five rolls around. The day they originally spent together, all alone in an empty arena until that fateful last fight. Reaper has to hold his boyfriend through his memories and fears of what's to come.

Meanwhile, all the other tributes also interact with each other hesitantly, trading food and water and stories or even just a small acknowledgement before moving on. At the end of day 5, just as the sun starts to set, the tank drops. Thanks to Treech and Reaper's warning the snakes can't reach any of the tributes, but they do have an effect. Not inside the arena, but outside. The utter lack of deaths has caused the Capitol to implode with debate over the games, and Gaul dropping the tank to "remind these rebel scum of their place" seals the deal. For 10 years they've allowed themselves to believe these kids were killing each other, but Gaul proved that the only thing killing the kids in there is the Capitol. The backlash towards the government becomes so massive and the pressure from the mentors and their allies so great that the Capitol is forced to end the games and get the kids out. When this is broadcast over the speakers in the arena during golden hour, the camera focuses on Reaper and Treech on top of the beams as they stare at each other lovingly before finally kissing.

[whentheycry-problems]

hmm. Wasn't Kameda's whole dessert obsession kind of subtextually about being ashamed of having girly interests? That whole scene at the baseball game read like Keiichi was outing him for being a crossdresser or something. Even bonding with him over it. I'm not quite sure what that angle adds to the reading of Angle Mort, but it certainly complicates things. I think it's pretty clear that all the generic Angel Mort customers are horny misogynists. And it's not uncommon to paint a generic group of perverts with transphobic imagery, but there hasn't been even a peep of that here. There was even that brief mention of how awful it would be for keiichi to face transphobia. So I really doubt it's as simple as conflating being transgender with being a pervert. If anything, I think there's a fairly clear line being drawn between Keiichi and Kameda, who are good fun harmless perverts, and all the anonymous customers who are awful sexist perverts. But I don't know what to make of it.

This whole game is about girls. Keiichi is definitely, in a casual sense, "one of the girls". I've been noting mildly eggy behavior off and on across this entire game. He spends all his time with a group of girls and doesn't seem too interested in having male friends. His only objection to crossdressing is that someone might see him, for example.

So far, sexual desire from men has come up almost EXCLUSIVELY in the form of aggressive scary misogynists. Even inside Keiichi's head, he's only ever used heterosexuality as a power play(promising Okamura and Tomita that he'd make Satoko and Rika dress up for them), or as a punishment(his rude comments when he met Shion for the first time that were intended as revenge against Mion for putting him in a maid dress). He is very aware that women do not like being sexually objectified. Keiichi puts up this front of being a pervert, lecturing those guys in the alley about the right way to objectify women. But we've seen four entire arcs from inside his mind, and he hasn't barely shown even a little bit of attraction towards his classmates. If he really were an awful pervert like he claims to be, he would be noticing his friends' bodies more often. He is simply not doing that.

I'd say it's comphet, showing off how cool and manly he is for the other boys, and there is occasionally a little bit of that, but he clearly doesn't give a shit about what other boys think of him 90% of the time. So the only explanation I can think of is that keiichi has girly interests that he's ashamed of. Internalized transphobia. If you think you might be trans, and you've been told all your life that being trans makes you a pervert, then you might get a bit of a chip on your shoulder about being a pervert. And try to prove you're not trans by getting really into becoming some other kind of pervert. It's a little more complicated than that, but I'm trying not to derail this liveblog with a gender studies class. I'm not totally convinced it's the intended reading of his character, but, like, Mion also definitely has some trans stuff going on, so if it's happening twice, I'm inclined to think it's an intentional theme.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, and I'm probably projecting a little bit, but there is undeniably a recurring theme of gender anxiety in this story. I will definitely keep coming back to this idea to chew on it.

[partyhardyontitanic]

found a lovely OC and canon relationship chart and immediately had to put Nathan in there

further explanation for the arrows under the cut

Annie - Annie and Nathan are dating. It's mostly a pretty casual relationship but Nathan takes great strides to be respectful of boundaries and supportive of Annie in whatever she does. In return Annie has sworn to kill anyone who even looks at Nathan wrong. They sloppily make out in public also

Anton - Anton and Nathan usually only talk whenever Nathan is at Anton and Annie's apartment, and it's mostly just exchanging pleasantries like neighbours would, but Anton really likes her. Anyone who's good to Annie is great in his book!

Nathan doesn't really know Nina and Danton, and neither do they know her. He only hears about them in stories that Annie or Anton tell her. Those two definitely seem like fun characters though. If they ever met they could probably strike up some fun conversations.

Brulo - An ambivalent customer and barkeeper relationship. Though Brulo finds it pretty annoying that Nathan will talk at lengths about how much he hates gambling and is only really here for the alcohol. But compared to Anton and Annie's antics she might as well be an angel. Easily his most polite customer

Nathan has a bit of a past with the Bossbusters oh my :Oc

Maulbuster - It's nothing personal, Maulbuster just kind of hates everyone a little bit. And Nathan isn't too comfortable with that stern atmosphere either

Brawlbuster - They used to date for a brief few months but broke up again. Nathan is under the impression that their breakup was on neutral terms and is chill about it. Unbeknownst to her, Brawlbuster is still crying screaming and throwing up about the breakup damn near every night (imagining an eventual reveal of this info and Annie is like "you're bisexual... AND a furry? that's hot")

Smallbuster - Being a very envious person herself, Nathan does NOT like how much of himself she sees in Smallbuster's behaviour. This mostly resulted in him avoiding the little mole and giving her some death glares from time to time

Tallbuster - Does NOT like the glares this random human is giving his girlfriend. Even though Small tells him it's fine and she's not bothered by it, he turns a little protective any time Nathan is around (Small DOES like that honestly. She calls it his "chivalrous side")

Satan and his three top minions have no idea that Nathan even exists. And Annie and Anton have decided they'll keep it that way.