#This post is a little more sad than anything ive allowed on this blog before

[cute-cat-boy]

It's so easy for those parts of me that no one sees to become invisible. Humans are fundementally social creatures, so anything cut off from that simply ceases to exist.

I compensate sometimes by talking to myself. It's an attempt to hold onto the things about me I like or that I need to remember. My memories, my experiences, the struggles I face, the lessons I learn, parts of my identity, parts of my world view, and my daily subtle loves.

I've gotten very good at it.

It's a very bittersweet skill to have.

[andromedasstarship]

in the stars - chapter 2

photo credits - @ssahotchnerr

pairing - aaron hotchner x reader

warnings - canon-typical criminal minds violence, show rating 16+ for reference. depictions of violence, stalking, murder, angst, age gap couple, language 

summary - You and Aaron reunite, but it’s not exactly anything to celebrate over. The case moves forward, but you really wish it hadn’t like this.  

a/n - no one is allowed to call me out on my lack of LA/california geographical knowledge. ive also started including readers mental thought train which is italicized (flashbacks will also be in italics, but ill always properly mark a flashback). if you arent tagged but asked, just send another ask/reply! i mustve missed it on accident.

blog rules 

masterlist // read it on ao3 here

chapter 1 // chapter 3

-----

Chapter 2 

Aaron Hotchner was standing in front of you. Impeccable, not even a slight crease in his shoes and suit pressed to perfection. He still smelled faintly like cedar, a thought you quickly tried to send away; it was too late though, already remembering how pitiful it was post breakup, when you would smell the shirts he left at your house, a desperate attempt to remember that he existed in your life. You’d spent hours, days even, thinking about how you’d react if you were ever to see Aaron in person again. At the top of the list was screaming at him, really giving him a piece of your mind for leaving the way he did. Or, maybe you’d be cool and composed, the epitome of maturity and ‘I’m Totally Over You’. You’d even considered completely ignoring him, not even giving him a second glance. Instead you were frozen to the spot, staring up at the man who broke your heart. 

Pulling your eyes away from him, they darted towards the gap between his body and outside, internally debating if you’d be able to somehow sneak around him. As if he could read your mind, not like you had been particularly subtle, he moved to close the gap before you had the chance to fully formulate an escape. 

“Y/N,” he tried again, voice a bit firmer this time around. It’d be better if he couldn’t speak. But then again he had such a beautiful voice-. No, you mentally clamped down on that thought before it could lead you down another rabbit hole. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Tell you, uh, what?” You asked, hyper aware of how mousy you must’ve sounded.

“That someone was murdering women that looked like you. You should’ve called my team sooner, it was irresponsible to put yourself at further risk of-” 

“Are you trying to imply that this is somehow my fault, Agent Hotchner?” The words felt bitter on your tongue. It wasn’t like you, to suddenly be so quick to anger. Years in the spotlight had taught you to hold your tongue, but Aaron’s words managed to cut right through. 

“That’s not what I’m saying, you know that-,” he tried to interject, but you weren’t going to back down so easy. 

“I know what Agent? Please, tell me the acceptable response to this situation,” you spat out at him, finding a brief enjoyment in the way his face scrunched up ever so slightly. “The police were working on the case, I’ve dealt with weirdos before.” Aaron opened his mouth again as if to speak, but you weren’t finished, “You really think I believed you’d answer if I called?” 

His face fell at that and you felt some form of internal victory swell in your chest. Y/N 1 point, Aaron Hotchner 0. The victory was short lived though, as you came to the realization that the two of you were still in a very public setting. 

“I’m not going to fight with you Agent, I suggest you get back to your team.” With that you shoved your way past him, stomping the entire way to your car. It was a shame, the way the anger and sadness was consuming you, maybe if it hadn’t, this time you would’ve noticed the clicking coming from the tree line. 

----

Hotch wished you had been angry; it would’ve been easier to handle you if you had been screaming in his face or throwing low-blow comments his way. He could deal with anger. It’d be easier if he could pretend that you were being completely out of line and could warrant being ignored for the rest of the case. 

That wasn’t you though, and he knew this. He didn’t have to be a profiler to see and hear the way you struggled to hold yourself together. He didn’t need to be a profiler to feel how disappointed you were with him. Hotch didn’t know how to deal with this or you.  Even though it had been months, had he truly fallen so far from your graces; was your opinion so lowly of him now? 

Hotch wasn’t sure which was worse to stomach, the fact that you had such little faith in him or the deep rooted feeling in his gut that told him you were right- had you called him unannounced two months ago, he wouldn’t have picked up the phone. 

----

You sat in your car for twenty minutes, at least. It was pitiful, the way you were crying in your car, to a sad playlist, over a guy who hurt your feelings; it felt like high school all over again. In the moment, you had felt good, the way you watched Aaron’s face twist and fall at your words giving you some sick form of satisfaction. 

It’s not like you had lied to him or anything. You hadn’t even stretched the truth for ultimate impact. The whole overly formal ‘Agent’ thing was definitely on purpose though. No, you had meant every word you said to Aaron, especially about not believing he’d answer if you called. What would you have even said if you called and he did pick up? Hi Aaron, remember me? Good, anyway hope you’re doing well but I think I have a murderous stalker, can you help? Actually, that’s probably exactly how the conversation would’ve gone, but that’s beside the point. 

The point was that even if you could trust the Unit Chief of the BAU to do his job, you weren’t sure you could trust Aaron Hotchner anymore. 

----

When you finally did muster up the courage to return to the conference room, you really wished you hadn’t. You should’ve just turned your car on and left. Was it possible to ghost the FBI? You’d heard enough stories from Aaron about how their tech wizard had found people with just a single loose thread, there was definitely no way you were going to make some spy like disappearance. 

Aaron wasn’t in the room, something you were grateful for in the moment. But what you weren’t grateful for was how the team had managed to set up multiple bulletin boards in your absence; filled with your photo, crime scene photos, the dead women and your personal least favorite, the dead women’s bodies. 

Of course, you knew what was going on, you were a big girl, well old enough to understand and process the gravity of the situation. But you’d only seen photos of the women alive, with personality and humanity; something about that made them look less like you and more like them. Looking at them now- dead, eyes closed, faces tilted away from the camera- these women didn’t just look like you, they were you. 

You hadn’t even realized you were drifting closer to one of the boards until you felt a hand pull at the crook of your elbow. Turning your head ever so slightly you saw JJ, giving you one of her nice looks again. 

“Y/N, you don’t need to see these,” JJ started, already pulling you in the opposite direction. You were about to agree, head already halfway to a full nod when you noticed something from the corner of your eye. 

“Wait!” You exclaimed, pulling your arm back and getting right in front of a photo of victim #2. You very gently pulled the photo of the wall and held it closely in front of your face. Were you allowed to move it? Oh well. You felt the rest of the team’s eyes burning holes through your back so you turned to face them. “I, um, I’m pretty sure the sweater she’s wearing is mine.” You said, voice coming out as a whisper. 

The team certainly seemed to liven up at that statement. Even though they hadn’t even been in LA for a full 24 hours yet, it was obvious from the start that LAPD hadn’t been lacking on the case, rather the unsub was just that good. They reported no evidence from any dump sites,- and now those sites had been contaminated far too much to double check- there had been no witnesses for any of the abductions, and the unsub hadn’t attempted any contact with Y/N; all in all, they had nothing. 

“Y/N, are you sure?” Emily asked, she was quickly pulling photos of the other three women down, bringing them over to the roundtable. “Are the women in these photos wearing anything else you recognize?” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m sure. There’s a little hole right there, on the side, the threads were pretty loose and I got stuck on a doorknob once, ripped it right open. I couldn’t find it when I went to fix it, just assumed I threw it away and forgot.” You said quietly, moving your way to the table. Your brain wasn’t working properly, hadn’t quite yet come to the conclusion that the rest of the agents already reached. He had gotten into your house. “Oh my god.” You whispered, voice shaking. “He was in my house, wasn’t he?” 

The agents all looked down at you with sympathetic gazes before Emily finally spoke up again. “We can’t be sure just yet, but I need you to look at these photos and tell me if you recognize anything else okay? Can you do that for me?” 

You nodded, making your way over to the table and taking a seat. You were well aware one of the agents just called for Hotch, but you couldn’t be bothered with that right now. 

----

“Hotch,” Derek said, his voice urgent as he rounded the corner, interrupting whatever conversation Hotch was having with a random officer, “Y/N recognized the sweater victim #2 was wearing at the dumpsite as hers. Emily’s showing her the rest of the photos and it’s looking like the unsub left something of hers on each one.” 

That certainly got Hotch’s attention. He didn’t need Derek to fill in the blank, the unsub had been in your house. His fists tightened at his side and he couldn’t help the way his face twisted in anger. In this state, Derek knew better than to question this unusually personal reaction, instead just angling his body back towards the conference room. He didn’t even have a chance to open his mouth before Hotch brushed past him, making his way back to you. 

----

Starting with a photo of victim #1, you very slowly pulled it closer in front of you. Oh my god, her neck. Obviously, you’ve seen bruises before, been on a whole bunch of film sets that used makeup to create some pretty gory pieces, but nothing like this. The unsub didn’t just stangle these women, it was like he wanted to completely crush their throats. 

One of the agents behind you was questioning your ability to stomach this, so you quickly forced yourself to focus. It was the least you could do for these poor women, just give them your undivided attention for ten minutes, and then you could deal with everything else later.

Your finger traced over the bracelet victim #1 was wearing. “This is mine. There’s a singular heart engraved on the back of the third diamond’s plating. I bought it for myself after I got cast in my first big role, cried for weeks when I ‘lost’ it.” 

“And what about this one?” Emily asked, gently pulling victim #1’s photo away from you and replacing it with #4. You didn’t miss the way she turned the photos you’d already looked at upside down, as if to further shield you from them. Nor did you miss that she was technically skipping victim #3. 

It didn’t take you long to notice what was yours on victim #4. “It’s the dress, it’s really comfy, I used to wear it a lot, like a lot a lot. I brought it with me so often on trips I just assumed it got left in a hotel room somewhere.” 

Emily nodded, taking back that photo and turning it over as well. You could see her hesitation in showing you victim #3, but she slid it across the table to you as well. Her fingertips ghosting on the edge of the photo, ready to pull it back as soon as you gave an answer.

Victim #3 was tough. She looked the most like you, both when she was alive and certainly the way she looked now. 

You took a sharp intake of breath as you looked down at her the first thing that caught your eye was the necklace. Most certainly yours and most certainly the one that Aaron had given you for your three year anniversary. You realized it was lost a few months after the breakup and nearly tore your house apart looking for it; you didn’t have many things from your relationship with Aaron to prove he was once part of your life, making the few things you did have all the more important. “The necklace, there’s an A engraved on the back and I’m pretty sure those shoes are mine too.” Emily swept the photo back and out of view as soon as the last words left your lips. 

“JJ, get those items out of evidence immediately so we can be absolutely sure,” Hotch ordered. Aaron. You hadn’t even realized he had walked into the room, you turned to look at him, eyes wide with sadness and fear. The tears that were beginning to form tugged viciously on his heart.  “Miss L/N, my team and I are going to escort you back to your home and we’re going to need to canvas it for signs of entry and identify if anything else is missing. Is that okay?” He asked, his voice soft with something most of the members couldn’t place. 

You simply nodded at that, glad that you wouldn’t have to be alone, “Do you need my address, or will you just follow my car?” There was definitely humor in that, Aaron already knew exactly where you lived and the code to get through the gates. 

“Your address is already in our files, but for your safety we’ll be following close behind.” He assured you. The rest of the team was jumping into action, grabbing their personal belongings along with copious amounts of gloves and bags you assumed would be for potential evidence. 

As you all exited the building and entered your respective vehicles, it was Reid who realized where he’d heard that softness in Hotch’s voice before. It was the same tone he used to use with Hayley, back when things were good. 

----

Your house wasn’t far and it was a drive you knew well; grateful for the ability to somewhat distract yourself on the road. The gatesman to your development gave you a real odd look when you told him the two black SUV’s filled with FBI agents were with you, but you couldn’t care less about which neighbor he might spread that info too. Did you see? L/N brought in the FBI, wonder what she’s caught up in. At least all the neighbors and workers had signed airtight NDAs, no one was allowed to talk to any outsiders about the personal happenings of their fellow residents. 

Your house was towards the top of the hill, with a great overlook to the ocean. You had only been 20 when you bought the house and you viewed it as the ultimate achievement of all your hard work and determination. You couldn't shake the bad taste in your mouth as you pulled up the driveway. The house felt tainted now, something you were never sure you’d be able to shake. 

----

Once again, not exactly how you imagined the entire team entering your house for the first time. Your house was extensive, as were the grounds; the team quickly realized they would probably be here for the rest of the day and well into the night.

You were standing awkwardly in the middle of your foyer, unsure of how to exactly approach this situation. “So, there’s about 10 rooms in the house, not including the kitchen and general living spaces, as well with the basement which is technically one big room. I made maps once as a joke, I think I have some in the office, if you wanted those? Or we could do one big house tour and you can break off that way,” you were so rambling, but them being in your house and why they were in your house was setting in, “or you can just go off however you want-” 

“Miss L/N,” JJ said, there was that nice look again, “why don’t you show me around the house so I can get a base level understanding of everything there is. The rest of my team will go start a basic canvas of the inside and the grounds as well.” Thank you JJ. 

You nodded at this, glad that someone else was taking control of the situation. Before you could lead JJ towards the kitchen, your phone started to ring, startling you. When did you get this skittish? 

“My friend is calling,” you said, holding up your phone, “I gotta take this, I was supposed to meet him for coffee a few minutes ago.” You excused yourself, quickly making your way to an empty room away from the rest of the team. Your friend was annoyed at your more than last minute cancellation, but luckily he didn’t pry too hard and accepted your flimsy “I’m not feeling too well’ excuse on the first go. 

“I know, I’m sorry, but I promise I’ll make it up to you as soon as I feel better. Yeah, I love you too. I gotta go, bye.” As you hung up, you could feel a gaze burning into the back of your head. Turning around, you found Aaron staring down at you from the doorway. How long had he been there? 

“You should have told us about your boyfriend sooner. Trying to protect him from questioning will only-”

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” you exclaimed, a bit too hurriedly, “I, uh, I’m not seeing anyone at all actually, haven’t in a while.” Smooth. 

Aaron was smart enough to read through the lines and understand what you had left unsaid. His gaze didn’t give up, but you could’ve swore you saw relief somewhere in his eyes. You weren’t sure if you were supposed to say something, or if he was supposed to say something, or should you walk out, or- 

“Neither have I.” Hotch’s voice broke through your thoughts, but just as quickly as he said it, he turned on his heel and left you alone in the room.

----

a/n - if anyone is wondering ive 100% cried multiple times at how kind and supportive everyone has been with me about this story. we’re only 2 chapters in but im already sad for it to end. yes i 100% have a bunch of other wip ideas for hotch. anywaaaaaaay, replies/asks/comments/reblogs/likes always appreciated! thank you so much for reading 

Taglist: @mac99martin @iwaizumiee @kylorendrip @hqtchner @lieswithoutfairytales @ssahoodrathotchner @midsummernightdream @weasleylovers @evans-dejong @itsmytimetoodream @yoshigguk @28cnn @cuddlyklaus @hotch-meeeeeuppppp

no permission is given to republish or upload my fics anywhere else. if you see this story not on my tumblr or ao3 it is stolen work. i do not own criminal minds or any of the characters involved

[jaskiersvalley]

HEY I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT YOUR FICLET ABOUT GERALT BEING ILLITERATE IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I had to put down my phone and whimper when he pulled out the card 🥺 can.. can i humbly request a pt. 2 in the future please? (also,, ive gone through the entirety of your blog too and its. so. good. while ive been chillin’ quarantinin’ reading your fics have been my very favourite thing to do!!) ♥️

Nonnie, you and @ohnomybreadsticks have both given me inspiration for more. It’s gone in a slightly different direction with the whole Wolf School in on the thing now. But, hopefully, you’ll enjoy this addition just as much. Best of luck with the quarantine! I’ll be posting stories fairly regularly for the foreseeable future which will hopefully keep you entertained and out of trouble!

The illiterate Geralt story can be found here.

Jaskier’s School of Self Care for Lost Wolves

It was a known fact that Jaskier loved too much and too freely. Sometimes, he even fell in love with those he hadn’t met but felt they needed love all the same. Which was how he ended up with emotions towards witchers he hadn’t met beyond Geralt occasionally letting a name slip. It wasn’t the same kind of love he held for Geralt, it wasn’t all consuming, he didn’t want to kiss the other witchers silly but it didn’t burn fiercely and involved a lot of throws and warm cuddles. Because, as Jaskier had helped Geralt work on his reading and writing, he realised something. None of the other witchers knew how to do that either. Which was how Jaskier ended up demanding he be allowed to go to Kaer Morhen with Geralt. He had a whole winter to remedy the mistakes their teachers had made. It wouldn’t magically make up for all the neglect but Jaskier would be damned if he didn’t try his best to slowly build scaffolding around and start the process of patching in the holes.

The journey back to the old keep was more hazardous than Jaskier had even dared imagine. It didn’t help that Geralt told him most witchers died on the path, either too naive and new on their way out or too tired or injured on the way back. That was utterly appalling and Jaskier was in half a mind to demand that a new path be devised to make sure all witchers could get home and get the care they needed. Even if Geralt insisted this was for the best, an injured witcher had no prospects after all. Rather than argue, Jaskier kept his mouth shut and began scheming.

There weren’t many witchers left, the school of the wolf was a dying breed but, along with Geralt, three other witchers returned and Jaskier was delighted. It seemed that the whole family was together again. Not that they acted like a family, more like a bunch of pissy cats trying to establish territories because they couldn’t figure out how to share and snuggle. That did disappoint Jaskier, he had a lot more work cut out for him than anticipated. Still, he could put the beginnings of his plan into play.

“What are you doing?” Lambert sounded so utterly offended when he came across Jaskier settled comfortably between Geralt’s legs, both of them stretched out on a fur in front of a fire. Jaskier was holding a book and Geralt was reading aloud in a low, rumbling voice.

“We’re enjoying a good story. Care to join us?”

Snarling, Lambert stalked out of the room and Jaskier shrugged. It was a start, even if it wasn’t an auspicious one. However, it set things into motion because not two days later, Eskel had approached Geralt in the kitchen, softly quizzing him on reading.

“I could teach you,” Jaskier volunteered as soon as he heard, deciding to ignore the wide eyed, almost sheepish look from Eskel.

That was how an hour was set aside each day where Jaskier sat with Eskel, leafing through well loved books that Geralt had used, sounding out words together. After the third time, they ended up with a secretive audience in the form of Lambert lurking just outside the door, listening in. In the end, Jaskier left a book in his usual hiding spot and waited for Lambert to come to him. It took longer than he had anticipated, Jaskier had been shooing Eskel out the room and hanging around to tidy up after their lessons for a good week before the book was thrown by his feet.

“Stop mocking me.” Lambert had his arms crossed defensively over his chest and was glaring in a way that would have sent bolts of fear through most people. Just as well that Jaskier wasn’t like most. He’d seen the posturing, the anger and lashing out in Geralt before, knew all too well what lay below it. With the greatest simplicity, he picked up the book and sat down, opening it and giving Lambert an expectant look. After a beat, the witcher sat down next to him.

That was three witchers on their way to literacy but something still bugged Jaskier. Thankfully, he didn’t have to say anything because Lambert took matters into his own hand. He had a book with him one breakfast, furiously trying to catch up with the other two and master ‘See Spot Run’ at record speed.

“Why did you never teach us to read?” he asked around a mouthful of eggs, greasy fingers leaving marks on the pages.

A silence descended on the table as eyes turned to Vesemir who, for the first time since they knew him, looked uncomfortable.

“It wasn’t needed,” he began. “A witcher can’t read a monster to death.”

Understanding dawned on Jaskier then and there. He put his fork aside and stood with an “oh you poor dear”. It was barely audible over Vesemir’s mumbled “I was just a fencing instructor.”

Walking around the table, he easily settled on Vesemir’s lap, ignoring all social conventions regarding touch. Looking up at the witcher, he smiled.

“It’s never too late to learn.”

Given the possessive nature of witchers, one would have expected Geralt to get jealous. However, he seemed content for Jaskier to do as he pleased, spending time with the other witchers. All too soon, all four of them were piled together on rugs and chairs around a fire and frowning over their respective books while Jaskier flitted between them, helping and encouraging where it was needed. It was obvious Lambert struggled the most, the letters dancing before his eyes and never quite settling which made him growl in frustration and his book often went flying across the room. Only once did it land in the fire.

“I’ve made a decision,” Jaskier announced during a quiet afternoon. “You’re all coming along wonderfully with reading and I have so much more to offer.”

Four witchers looked at him a little fearfully, wondering if they weren’t enough. They didn’t say anything as Jaskier walked out of the room but the sadness was palpable. Until Jaskier returned with his beloved lute.

“If anyone wants to learn any music, I’m happy to teach them.”

While reading was a chore for Lambert, he took to music like a duck to water when shown songs, able to replicate the chord sequences Jaskier showed him quite quickly. He had a special love of raunchy singing songs. The only sad thing was that there was only one lute or any kind of musical instrument in the whole of Kaer Morhen. Though Jaskier was more than happy to sing along to whatever tune Lambert was picking out. Soon, they had a whole repertoire of witcher drinking songs they would happily belt out while the others thumped the table in time with the beat.

By contrast, Eskel seemed content with the softer side of things. In fact, he had taken a real shine to sonnets and would often be found discussing them in depth with Jaskier. Occasionally, Geralt joined in but he didn’t find as much joy in dissecting whether the “sweet smell of faded summer” was in fact a statement about the passing of seasons or whether it was the soft lament of two lovers growing old.

“What are you doing?” Vesemir’s voice pulled Jaskier from his quiet introspection. It was early, the sun was barely poking out from behind the mountains but he was out in the courtyard with Geralt sat on a barrell and frowning into a book.

“Stretching,” Jaskier replied, sunnier than the weather. “I learned a series of movements to keep the body supple and the mind engaged. It helps me keep up with Geralt.”

The wink he sent Geralt’s way was enough to have him raising the book to hide his blush. While everybody knew what was going on between them, Geralt didn’t like to shamelessly advertise it. He was a private soul by nature.

“Come.” Jaskier beckoned Vesemir. “Let me show you.”

They worked through poses, Jaskier explaining a little about each of them. While they looked simple and easy, Vesemir was surprised to find that they gave the gentlest workout he had ever had. By the end, he was pleasantly tired but not in a way a training fight would have worn him out. It was, for want of a better word, rejuvenating. It had him as close to a smile as he usually got.

Over the course of the week, it went from Jaskier stretching in the courtyard while Geralt read to Jaskier and Vesemir. Until, silently, Eskel joined them one morning, standing next to Vesemir, a little nervous but a smile from Jaskier had him easing into the flow. The next morning, soft lute strums accompanied their exercises as Lambert sat opposite Geralt and his book, playing something gentle. The grateful look Jaskier shot him was enough to get him scowling, even if the music never stopped.

Spring was just around the corner. The witchers were all sat around the cleared dining room table with parchments in front of them, quills in hand. Eskel’s tongue was sticking out the corner of his mouth as he focused on his work.

“Just remember, this means you can keep in touch with each other. Enchanted crows can deliver your letters now.” Jaskier was playing soft music as the others perfected their penmanship. Well, all except Lambert who had taken to doodling, letters getting lost in the pictures. But that was okay, he could always draw his sentiments, the others would understand.

By the time it came to leaving Kaer Morhen, Jaskier was content and happy. He had four witchers who looked so much more self confident in their abilities. Because while he had kept their attention on the arts, it was inevitable that they all bonded. It wasn’t all that unusual to find at least two, if not three of them piling on top of each other with a book, getting lost in adventures they didn’t have to live through. Someone else’s struggles were so much more satisfying when the fear of death and failure didn’t hang above their heads.

Three witchers and a bard stood in the courtyard, horses loaded up as they prepared to leave on their respective paths. Only Vesemir stood in his usual attire and a soft smile creasing his face.

“Safe travels to you all,” he said, meeting the others’ eyes in turn.

“What will you do?” Eskel asked. “You usually accompany us at least some of the way.”

The smile turned into an excited grin and Vesemi gestured vaguely towards the keep. “My path for the year is one that is a tight circle. The library here needs some attention.”

Pride made Jaskier beam. He stepped forward and gave Vesemir a hug. “I expect many a wonderful tale from the library when we’re back next year.”

That sealed it. The next winter, they were all going to return with more stories. Eskel even kept a diary to share with Jaskier in case Geralt was stingy on his details for songs. And, when they all reconvened at the start of the next winter, Vesemir had tomes from the library ready to read stories from while Lambert turned up with his own lute on his back.

[pixie88]

Delilah

Chapter 1 - Alone - Third A&E Series.

A/N: I originally posted this on a side blog but I was having trouble switching between the two and I also didn’t want to start again. As I said there this A&E series is a lot more darker, hitting RL subjects I have been through myself please don’t judge me as you can’t make me feel an worse than I have made myself in the past. The stigma around these subjects are real and so many people don’t speak out about them. Friends and family don’t even know the secrets I will reveal in these chapters as I am ashamed and worry about what they will think. I hope this helps even just one person realise they aren’t alone. I hope you like it 😘

I’m not going to annoy people with re-tags, so I’m not tagging in these first two chapters as most my usual tags have read it.

Find previous chapters HERE under Together - Adam & Ellie.

Word count: 1905

WARNINGS: ⚠️ Angst & adult language.

Pairings: Adam x Ellie.

Enjoy!

A Year and a half after the last chapter of A&E Together.

"She's beautiful, Ellie! A girl! We have a little girl," she looks over to him feeding their daughter. All the panic and worry was worth it! She thought to herself as she's getting stitched up.

16 week's earlier.

This pregnancy had been harder on her than Charlie's, her morning sickness had carried on until 24 weeks, she was in pain with her hips and back. Adam made her give up work at 32 weeks. She was reluctant, but knew he was right, plus at home, she could do more research on shops for sale in London.

By the time she had hit 36 weeks she had found the perfect shop, they had a cheeky weekend away in London to view the property while Ellie's mum had Charlie for them. Being heavily pregnant they didn't do much sight seeing, but they did spent a lot of time tangled beneath the sheets in the hotel room. This would probably be the last time in a long time they would have time alone, so they wanted to make the most of it. 

When they arrived back home Ellie had to sort out the internal and external work. She had put in an offer and was in the proceeds of owning the new shop being, so close to the end of her pregnancy Adam took over all the dealings of the new shop not wanting his wife stressed. 40 weeks Ellie woke on her due date irritated and fed up with being pregnant their little lady showed no signs of wanting to come out.

That afternoon Ellie was in the bathroom when she thought her water had broken, looking down at the floor, she was expecting to see clear waters but instead she saw crimson red puddles of blood. She calls out to Adam who was downstairs soon rushed up to his panicked wife. Shock grew on his face as he saw what had her so panicky. He quickly regained his composure, trying not to worry his heavily pregnant wife.

Adam quickly called her midwife who told them to head to the hospital after dropping Charlie at Elaine's door. He helped an hysterical Ellie into the car. On the way her contractions started they were very close together so when they arrived, he practically had to bridal carry her out to the car with her bag to the labour ward where they handed him a wheel chair. Once in the delivery suite and after a few puffs of gas and air Ellie start to calm down she was so mellow that she wasn't even bothered when the doctor took a sample of her blood, she usually hated blood tests but the gas and air had worked its magic.

When the doctor came in Ellie was completely out of it. Between contractions, she was drifting, those few seconds between each one felt like heaven "Sorry, did you say your name is Doctor Curry? I bet you had the korma taken out of you at school!" she laughs at her own joke, then apologizes when she realised what she had said "Don't worry, I know it's the gas and air talking believe me, I've had worse. We are just going to listen to baby and see how they are! OK?" She nods.

After 10 minutes whooshing the doctor and midwife didn't look very happy with the result "What's wrong?" She asked him. He had that look all doctor have when they're about to tell you bad news "You baby's heart beat keeps dipping" tears started forming in her eyes "Dipping? What do you mean?" He hands her a tissue "Mrs Barlow, we want to deliver your baby as safely as possible and with the fluctuations of their heart beat you have an hour to deliver this baby, or we will have to take you down to theatre for an emergency c-section" her heart sank "But how am I going to have a baby in less than an hour? She just said I'm only 3 centimetres" She looks up at Adam, he's calm which soothe her.

"Well, we need to first break your waters, hopefully that should speed things along a bit. So, I'm going to leave Charlotte here to do that and I will be back in half an hour to see how you are doing" DR. Curry makes his way for the door. "Ellie, after your next contraction I'm going try and break your waters. So, I need you to tell me when it's over, OK?" Ellie nods the next contraction comes and goes. Charlotte successful breaks her waters "That feels so warm!" Ellie laughs just as the next contraction starts to build.

"Oh my god! I feel like I need to push!" She screams as the contraction takes hold. "Ellie if you need to push, then push, but little pushes!" Scared her body is tricking her, she refuses "I can't! You said I was only 3 centimetres. I'm not ready!" She hisses at Charlotte "Hey Ellie, listen to me if that's what your body wants to do then do it. I will keep an eye if nothing happens we will stop! OK? You need to trust what your body is telling you to do!"

The next contraction build she begins to push... crashing Adam's hand in the process until it fades again "You're doing brilliant, beautiful" Adam kisses her forehead "Anything?" She asks her midwife "Well, I can see the top of baby's head..." She's cut off by the next contractions "There's the head" Charlotte tells her "With the next contraction she'll be here" another starts and Ellie pushes again "And here she is 7:43PM welcome to the world little one!" Charlotte says as she cleans her up.

"Ellie, you did it again! She's here!" Adam cups her face and kisses her lips "Skin to skin?" Charlotte asks, Ellie nods "I'll just get Daddy to cut the cord" she looks over to Adam and hands him the scissors. He proudly cuts through the cord before Charlotte moves her to Ellie's chest "Does she have a name?" Charlotte looks at both of them "We're still haven't decid..." she cuts Adam off "Delilah!" Ellie looks up at Adam as the brightest smile appears on his face "Aww that's lovely! Where did you get that from?" She asks the pair.

"It was my Nan's name" Adam says not quite believing she finally had a name and a name that means something to him. "That's sweet! Ellie do you want to give Delilah to Daddy while we get this afterbirth delivered?" Charlotte places Delilah in a towel passes her to Adam as DR. Curry walks in "How are we do...oh baby is here! Wow how long did that take?" He looks over to Charlotte "15 minutes after I broke her water. She had the urge to push right away!" He looks at her stunned "Whoa! That's amazing have you requested her IV drip yet?"

Ellie looks confused "IV drip?" He looks over to her "We estimated you probably lost just over a pint of blood. This will just stop anymore bleeding" Charlotte smiles at a worried Ellie "Nothing to worry about its just because you've lost more than usually. It's routine"

"I'll go and get what we need. While you finish up in here" DR. Curry says as he leave the room.

Later, Charlotte has shift had ended and a new midwife had taken over "When can I go for a shower?" Ellie asks her new midwife Demi she wanders over checks the IV drip monitor "You have another 45 minutes on this then you should be OK" another midwife walks in and calls Demi out of the room a few minutes later she comes back in "We are going to have to move you up to postnatal ward now" Ellie looked shocked with Charlie's Labour she was allowed to have a shower before heading up.

Her legs were still covered in blood as well as her hospital gown. She got off the bed with her IV drip and into a wheelchair, Adam close behind with Delilah. She gets into her cubicle and take a seat in the chair after the midwife leave, she bursts into tears Adam puts Delilah down in her cot and rushes over to his wife "Hey, what's up beautiful?"

She looks up at him "Everything I'm covered in blood, I'm still in this awful thing. I want get into bed, but I can't sit on there like this! I want to cuddle my baby, but my arms are cover in blood. I feel dirty like I'm a cast member of the walking dead! And from what it sounds like we have a snorer the other side of this stupid curtain" He lifts up his wife's chin "Watch Delilah I'll be back in a minute" he gets up and leaves the cubicle through the curtain.

10 minutes later he comes back with a wheel chair and a midwife "You help her into the chair and grab her bag I'll grab baby" the midwife tells Adam. Wiping her tears she looks up at him "What's going on?" He smiles at her "You'll see now come on!" He lifts her out of her chair and into the wheel chair. They walk down the hall and through a door. Once inside she spots another bed and a bathroom "Adam?"

She looks up at him "This was the last one they had!" She looks at him still confused, he laughs, "£90 a night for a private room with a bath in the bathroom and this lovely lady has said if you've had over 80 percent of that drip she'll take it off you, so you can go for a soak" her eyes well up and she starts to cry again.

"It suppose to make you happy not sad!" He laughs, "Happy tears!" The midwife smiles at them both as she catches sight of Ellie, she shook her head "Oh dear, look at the state of you! They let you come up here like that! You poor thing, let me put her next to the bed and get you off this. Even if I have to put you back on after you can't sit like that!" She puts Delilah next the bed and takes Ellie off the drip before helping her to the bathroom.

20 minutes later all fresh from her shower, she emerges from the bathroom in her own comfortable clothes. Adam is changing Delilahs nappy. He looks up "Feeling better?" She smiles as she nods at him before she gets onto the bed next him. She places a kiss on his cheek, "Thank you!" He looks over to her "Why are you thanking me? You did all the hard work!" He places Delilah back in her cot "You were calm while I was losing it! I crashed your hand and you spent money on a hospital room just to make me happy!"

He laughs, "I did have my own motives! No one, not even me was going to sleep with a motorbike snoring next door!" he pulls her to his chest and pulls over the blanket over the both of them "We better sleep while she does. So, night beautiful!" She kisses his cheek "Night! I love you!" She feels him chuckle "I love you more"

Continue reading this story here - Chapter 2.

[tinkerd]

Interview with www.achuka.co.uk

See Original post here: https://www.achuka.co.uk/blog/meet-an-illustrator-14-david-litchfield/

Meet An Illustrator 14 – David Litchfield APRIL 17, 2021 BY ACHUKA  self-portrait © David Litchfield

ACHUKA is thrilled to have David Litchfield as the 14th guest on Meet An Illustrator, an informal weekend feature introduced this year.. Do visit the backpages  to read the responses from previous guests.

The Bear And The Piano, David’s debut picture book, was published just 5 years ago, but he is already established as one of the UK’s leading illustrators and picture book creators. That debut title won Waterstones Illustrated Book Prize in 2016. Much more recently he has come to attention as the cover illustrator for David Almond’s Bone Music:

The Bear And The Piano became a trilogy with publication in 2019 of The Bear, The Piano, The Dog And The Fiddle and, this year, with the third title The Bear, The Piano And The Little Bear’s Concert.

A particular favourite of ACHUKA’s is Lights On Cotton Rock:

His 2021 publishing year kicked off with illustrations for A Shelter for Sadness by Anne Booth

and the paperback edition of Rainbow Before Rainbows by Smriti Halls is published this coming week:

Next month (May 2021) we can look forward to Pip And Egg written by Alex Latimer:

and, as we hear below, there is lot lots more to come.

As a child, what were the first illustrations you remember being pleased with?

I think that it was a drawing of a panda. It was in primary school and we all had to draw one. We then put them all on the wall and I remember feeling a bit arrogant and quietly smug that my panda was definitely one of the best ones on that wall.

Who/what inspired you when you were young?

Again at primary school our teacher sat us all down and read us Where The Wild Things Are. I remember being absolutely blown away by Maurice Sendak‘s drawings and characters and totally felt transported away from the reading mat in that classroom to that dreamy monster island. Mr Sendak and Albert Uderzo were absolutely the two biggest influences on making me want to draw every day.

Who inspires you today?

Still mainly Sendak and Uderzo. But I love finding out about new illustrators. There are an infinite amount of styles and techniques and approaches to drawing and I love being surprised by how different people create a spread or tell their stories. My current 2 favourites are Sydney Smith and Frances Ives. They both have such a free and natural style. They are amazing.

Did you study art/illustration?

I actually studied Graphic Design at Camberwell College of Art. Graphic Design felt like the most sensible career choice in the art world. I loved the course and I met some great people there. But I was really shocked at how little drawing was involved. I think more than anything that course showed me how much I really loved to draw and that I just wasn’t a Graphic Designer.

What is your favourite artist tool/product?

It sounds obvious but a pencil and a sketchbook. My absolute favourite part of a project is when it’s just me, a pencil and a sketchbook and I am just letting the idea develop by scribbling and experimenting and making a mess.

Where do you buy your art supplies?

I have two favourite shops here in Bedford. One is called the Arc which sells all kinds of incredible arts supplies and exotic paints and brushes etc. I also like Coleman’s which is obviously more of a standard stationary shop. But I don’t know, I like their pens. I spend far too much money on pens.

What software/apps do you use?

I only really use Photoshop. I tried to get my head around Illustrator but I’m just not that technically minded to be honest. I have had a play with Pro Create but my kids keep stealing my iPad so I have not had enough time to learn it yet.

What was your first commission?

My first commission happened when I was 13 years old and I drew a poster for a local comic shop. They paid me in comics. My first proper paid commission was with The Beano comic. I think that it was in  2013 or so when the editor Michael Stirling found my drawings online. For a few weeks I drew the illustrations that accompanied a poetry section in the comic. It was amazing to be drawing for a comic I had been in love with for most of my life. I will forever be grateful to that team for giving me that opportunity.

What are you working on at the moment?

I am just finishing drawing a pretty epic book written by Gregory Maguire. After that I’m so happy to be working on another ‘Earth’ book with Stacy McAnulty. I love drawing these books, and I learn so much about our planet too. After that I’m starting a beautiful book with the writer Nell Cross Beckerman which is going to be a total stunner. Towards the end of the year I’m creating artwork for my next author/illustrator book too.

Which is all very exciting. I always feel like I’m being very vague when I don’t give too much info but I’m never sure how much I’m actually allowed to say. What I can tell you is that my author/illustrator book is going to be a Christmas story set in Victorian times.

Twitter or Instagram? Instagram I think. I love Twitter but Instagram just feels a lot friendlier. Also as an illustrator it is a great, visual medium to share work on. I have also found so many new great artists from this site.

Coffee or tea?  

I love coffee. But I have had to cut back a lot. I was getting the jitters because I drank it so much. Now I just have two cups a day. And only in the mornings.

Cat or dog?  

Oh my goodness Dog. Dog every time. I always had dogs growing up. They were my best friends. We got a dog last summer. I was adamant that my two boys should have a dog growing up. My wife wasn’t that convinced I don’t think but now that we have one she loves her as much as we do.

Grape or grain? 

Hmmm, both good, but I would have to say grape.

Sunrise or sunset? 

Sunset. I don’t know if it’s a getting older thing but I love sitting in my garden as the sun starts to go down. It’s like a magic time of the day where everything is winding down and becoming peaceful.

What do you listen to when you are working?  

Mainly loud rock music.  But I’ve also started to listen to a fair few podcasts. My favourite ones at the moment are ‘Pod Save America‘- helps me get my head around American politics, which I can sometimes find quite baffling from time to time- and The Force Center – which is a massively geeky Star Wars podcast which has none of the snark and negativity of other fandom type discussions. I recommend it if you are a Star Wars nerd like me.

Where can we follow you on social media? I’m on twitter: @dc_litchfield Instagram: @david_c_litchfield

I also have a blog at:

tinkerd.tumblr.com

and a Facebook page at

facebook.com/davidlitchfieldillustration

-but to be honest I do keep forgetting to update that one.

[bellasharifuddin]

The Day I Became a Mother

It’s been a while since I last post anything here, typing feels awkward as well. But this has always been a thing that I wanted to do since the day I’ve given birth, to document and blog about my pregnancy and my birth journey, so in 4-5 years to come when my memories fade, I can always come back to reminisce every detail that I keep here, like a memory capsule. 

The Day I Found Out I Was Pregnant. 

You know, when people say that when you have a strong intuition about something, trust your gut feeling, because it’s often true. Mirin and I have always talked about having kids, me wanting a baby so much within months after we got married, however, Mirin having second thoughts about it. We were both married for less than a year, sleeping on a toto without a mattress or a bed, living in the deep slum of Wangsa Maju area where the rats are larger than the cats. Hahaha. Naturally, given our circumstances, he’d want to take things slow. 

Fast forward to a couple of months, we went out for some steaks and karaoke on a weekend night. I told mirin to stop by Watsons, for me to buy a pregnancy test kit. Mirin didn’t question much, because occasionally I would randomly buy one, just for fun. But this time, I didnt just get one. I ended up buying three. Why? Because somehow, I had a strong feeling this time. I just felt... weird. It was a feeling that I can’t put it into words. 

We came home at midnight, I went to the bathroom too “pee on the stick”. Then I saw the first line... a few seconds later comes the second one. Oh my god. Okay. I knew Mirin was standing outside the toilet door, waiting. Eventually, I had to break the news to him. When I showed to Mirin, we both ended up hugging and crying. Was I happy? Was I in shock? Was I sad? Yes, a little bit of everything. Its funny that all you’ve wanted was a baby, then when it actually happens, suddenly you’re freaked out. Happy that its a blessing. Sad that it hits you without a warning. 

                                                      Pregnant!

When the morning sickness finally kicked in, I knew we couldn’t live in the current house. Its not the best place to raise a child. And the next-door neighbor was having major renovation that was super loud and noisy. After sleepless nights and searching for a new place, we eventually moved out. Bought our first bed, bought our first dining table, bought our first gas stove. A many of firsts. Soon we finally bought a baby cot from Ikea. We bought it too early. Although it was too early to put it up, but Mirin assembled it anyways. I could tell that he was excited. It was such a fun and exciting moment, for the both of us.

But those were the fun part. Like most pregnancies, the not so fun part about being pregnant was me being diagnosed with Pregnancy Hypertension during my 36th week of pregnancy. My blood pressure spiked up to 140/100 on two consecutive readings, and the next thing I know, that I’m sitting in an ambulance, on my way to Hospital Kuala Lumpur’s emergency building. 

                     At Hospital Kuala Lumpur. Waiting for an available bed

                  Mirin bought me the entire family mart food available xD

I spent 3 nights in their maternity wards, finally discharged after the doctor told me that I was clear to go. While I was in the hospital, it pains me to see new mothers struggling during the COVID19 pandemic. Throughout your stay, no visitations were allowed from anyone including your husband. If your baby cries or if you’re in pain, you’d have figure it out yourself. I remember praying to god while crying that I do not want to be induced there. The ward was stuffy and hot. There were too many people crammed in a room. It was hell. 

The Day That I Give Birth

One week after my discharge, we both went for my monthly checkup with my OBGYN at Pantai. Again, my doctor advised me to be induced tomorrow, since my blood pressure spiked again, and I was almost full term (38 weeks) so it was okay to go. She told me that “It’s best to get the baby out or else you boleh kena sawan” OMG Okay okay. So we packed our bags, ate sushi for dinner, slept soundly for the very last time, and headed to the hospital again at 9 am the next morning. 

                         Induction day. We definitely overpacked haha

       Arrived at the hospital lobby, did a mandatory swab test before entering

Appointment card. Booked and paid for the accommodations prior to checking in

I was told to change into my labor robe (I’m not too sure what it’s called), and waited. When my doctor finally arrived, she then began to insert some sort of a plastic strip deeeeeep into my cervix. Ouch, that hurts. Okay, so that’s how induction works eh? Then I was given antibiotics into my IV drip too, since I was GBS (Group-B Strep) Positive as well. 

                                Toilet selfie! Calm before the storm

After an hour, I felt the contraction. Initially it was uncomfortable, then it hurts like hell. The contractions felt like period pain but like a million times worse. Occasionally, Doctor Haslinda would come and check on my “bukaan”. Hours passed. 1cm... 2cm... 3cm.... when I finally said:

“Omg sakit sangat dah tak tahan, I want an epidural!“

Ok no, that was a lie. I initially didn’t want to take an epidural. I wanted to try and bear with the pain, but Mirin convinced me to take it, so after tossing and turning like a dying fish I finally said okay. 

The anesthesiologist came after what felt like an eternity, and asked me to sign a consent form. I’m not really sure what was written in that. Siapa je ada masa nak baca terms and conditions panjang panjang bila tengah contractions??? 

He told me to sit on the edge of the bed, while hugging a pillow. I remembered him injecting some numbing spray, then I felt the BIG NEEDLE poking through my spine. Then.. that was it. It was so fast. The entire process took only 5 mins. Was it painful as I thought it would be? No. Was it still scary tho? Yep hahaha.

Soon after, Dr Haslinda pecahkan air ketuban when I was 4cm dilated. It didnt hurt because I was on epidural, but I felt so much warm liquid flowing out non-stop. So bizarre. 

Once you’re on epidural, you’re basically bed-ridden. No bathroom trips anymore, my legs feel like jelly. Sometimes the nurse will come to empty my bladder with a catheter. When the epidural kicked in, I could finally sleep. I slept like a baby. I slept for hours. Painless. No more feeling like a dying fish. And so I thought.............

3am. I woke up with INTENSE CONTRACTION PAIN. Why is it so painful? I thought I’m on epidural? I called the nurse straight away. Turned out the epidural drug ran out. It was sooo stressful because the nurse that was on duty that night didn’t know how to topap balik the epidural drug into the machine. She called her colleague, then the colleague also tak tahu. Then both of them spent like forever to troubleshoot how to use the machine, sampai lastly kena call doctor tanya. YA ALLAH, rasa macam nak maki je. 

7am the next day. Bukaan baru 7-8cm. Doctor decided to use another form of induction to speed up the process. It’s called pitocin, and injected through my IV drip. Within MINUTES, I could feel very intense and painful contractions, that the epidural can’t even help. So throughout the remaining 7cm to 10cm, I felt every inch of real labor pain. I clenched Mirin’s hand. So tightly that I think it got bruised. A minute felt like an hour, and an hour felt like years. It was soo bad that my memory was so fuzzy. 

Finally, it was 10cm. Time to go. They put both of my legs up, macam gambar bawah ni haha: 

                                      Picture courtesy from Google

There were two nurses, one small cute Malay nurse, one pregnant Indian nurse, and my OBGYN, Dr Haslinda. I love them all, they were so supportive and nice to me throughout my labor process. My doctor taught me how to push correctly:

“Take a deeeeeeep breath then tahan, clench your fists, chin down and teran macam nak berak sekuat-kuat hati“

I was so determined to get the baby out. I just wanted the contraction pain to end. I did everything they told me to do. I hold on to Mirin’s hand, and PUSHHHHHHHEDDDDDD! I could hear Mirin saying “You’re doing great sayang!” After several pushes, and some sips of water breaks, the baby’s head is almost out. The head was the hardest to push. Besar! I literally felt like my down there was stretching to its limit. Once the head is out, I did another small push, and the rest of the baby’s body macam keluar instantly macam super slimy like that haha. 

Finally the baby is out! 8.26AM! The contractions stopped immediately. I instantly feel like I wasn’t pregnant anymore. The doctor then injected something on my thigh, then my uri just popped right out haha. My body felt so tired, but so so light. Lega, yay no longer pregnant haha. I ended up having second degree perineal tear without an episiotomy, and was stitched. I felt the benang, ngilu. I felt the needle pierced through my muscles too. But it didnt hurt so it wasn’t too bad. 

The baby gets cleaned up. Then soon all of the nurses left the labor room, it was just me, Mirin and our baby. Mirin picked her up, and azankan. Mirin started crying, I cried too. It was magical :’)

We did skin to skin and tried breastfeeding for the first time. As I look at her, hair was so thick. Her cute little fingers. Her beautiful face. She’s perfect. 

                            I slept for 5 hours straight after the labor

Thinking back, I have no idea how I managed to muster such courage to go through all these. Mirin even told me that during the active labor stage, when I was pushing, at one point I pushed so hard that my entire face turned blue. Talk about adrenaline.

Do I want to have another baby? Well, lets keep a rain check on that question for another few more years to come xD

[idio-cies]

Tine and Anxiety

How are people feeling? Knowing that tomorrow is the last episode of this beautiful series? Sad? Excited? Don’t want it to be over? Same

Welp, this may or may not hurt when reading and probably won’t be my last meta/analysis on this series. Anyways... This is a long post folks, so make sure you are sitting comfortably.

I am almost certain that Tine accentuates some kind of anxiety.

I don’t like diagnosing people, but this is just something that I deeply relate Tine with. As a person who has CFS/ME with depression and anxiety, who also has a best friend with severe anxiety, my mum and sister also having depression as well as having many other friends with mental health issues revolving around anxiety and/or depression and doing a lot research both on anxiety and depression. I know the ins and outs of these mental illnesses. I will not go into further detail because as I am trying by hardest to not sound like an obnoxious twat whilst writing this.

I came across this article so I could check that I was right about relationship anxiety which Tine does express. This is pretty self-explanatory so you can read at your own leisure if you wish, but as a brief summary relationship anxiety most likely comes out of previous bad relationships, low self-esteem an attachemnt style one has grown up with in childhood (honestly this is another thing entirely, I talk a little bit about this here), but also relies on knowing oneself, having good communication etc.It just screams out here.

I need to clear things up as well before I really start getting in deep. It is correct that every human being has self-doubt, it is intrinsic to the human psyche, there is no doubt about it, unless you are self-righteous or have learnt that you are loved and you can love yourself a healthy amount, then good for you! This video is a good summary of how disliking oneself is natural human response

Now, where anxiety related to Tine comes in is the fact that he ruminates, he worries excessively and his automatic response to things going wrong he places on himself, and just in general has such a deep lack of self-worth and self-love that all you wanna do is cuddle him all day. This takes it further than what a normal human beings response is. 

Tine obsesses, and as a result makes him spiral and becomes unwell. Rumination is both a feature of Anxiety and depression. This is where things get tricky because Depression and Anxiety work hand in hand, with some traits crossing over (such as rumination), you can also have panic attacks with depression as well. The reason why I think it is anxiety is because of how things morphed with Tine, how he worried himself to be literally sick on more than one occasion

and it looks like he does the same this week. You can see the IV and how he is laying 

and he doesn’t to eat

This is not “normal human behaviour”. Worrying so much it makes you ill is one thing (see article here), but actively avoiding food is another thing. It’s another response people have when they are under extreme stress, though people can also over eat.

My analysis of “Escape” supports rumination.

There is no category that I will place him. I will leave this article here for people to go through if they are interested (I’m sorry, I know this is a lot of links, I just want to prove what I’m saying). 

so, when we meet Tine he seems like this ball of energy, he comes across as self-righteous with his Mr Chic facade

But that’s the thing: it’s a facade, it’s a coping mechanism, which shields him. I wouldn’t say that this is a classic example of anxiety as anyone can put up a front to hide all sorts of things. I know that I used to have facades or personalities I use in front of people.

Anyway, this Mr. Chic persona was all that, a persona, he took refuge in it. Which is why we see the comeback of it in ep 9 as he was experiencing some stage fright mixed with a heck of a lot of self-doubt and stress, which Green had identified was a coping mechanism!!!!

This front was used in order to block himself from being hurt, from rejection and from life in general, as well as of course criticism. His friends aren’t the brightest bunch, though evidently Fong (bless his heart) is very emotionally intelligent and let us know that they were aware of Tine and how he self-imposes on himself, has to prove his worth etc

This explains why he was so fatalistic in ep 11

Because he is still putting himself on trial and their relationship

It was legit after the tree got trodden on it all went wrong 

Poor Nuisance Tree... RIP

Anyway, but as friends do, they tease each other, which is ultimately something that Tine is afraid of. He doesn’t like the teasing. Based on my perspective of teasing, I bite back with teasing, but it may be because it’s because I am sensitive about it. Tine by no means has my temper, so it doesn’t surprise me if he is effected and is scared to be teased because in all actuality, he is sensitive about those topics. 

Next, he gets obsessed. People noticed about not moving on from Sarawat, there are a few explanations. 1. they needed it for Sarawat’s popularity to broadcast it 2. I bet you Tine got intrigued 3. potentially, he got obsessed with the idea. Tine was adamant to “get rid of Green” this in of itself was an obsession and no fucking wonder it backfired. Some, “normal, healthy” people I’m sure would’ve moved on, but oh no, not this dumbass quartet

Which is another thing. He is heavily influenced by his friends. Naturally, a person listen and adapt their thinking to their peers, but some don’t and are adamant in their thoughts. What gets me here is that Tine practically doesn’t allow himself to think for himself very much. I mean, it’s natural to go to friends for advice, but he was always very quick to go “yeah you’re right”. He is too easily swayed by what his friends tell him or their philosophies. Go look at episode 8 1/4 6:50 onwards. He concludes so quickly... Though I guess in this round, he felt it was right.

As soon as he sees one “fit” per se, that is it, which is apt as he is always been on the search for “the one”

(It will not surprise me if this series does full circle, and has Tine going to Sarawat once more as Sarawat did all of the chasing after this... kinda)

Tine can make up his mind very quickly once he sees fit. The only time he has really made sense and not listened to his friends fully was when he realised he loved Sarawat, and he went hell for leather on proving himself in episode 9. 

Tine had to prove himself in order to be worthy of Sarawat to love him, he thought he had failed, but Sarawat showed him a different perspective. Sarawat is very good at comforting Tine and showing him a new perspective... 

Sarawat is so good in this scene, because he tells Tine (in their little hypothetical language) that it is up to Tine is in control (which he felt he wasn’t), that Sarawat won’t pressure him, and that he is enough just as he is. That he doesn’t need to prove himself.

To a degree he helps every time, but as I have said before, if Tine is anything like me, those affirmations are useless after a couple hours max.

This post and also this one are really good at explaining Sarawat, and my perception of the last episode, so please also give those a read because I don’t want to repeat and make this even longer than it is! I do not blame Sarawat, and understand that it is human to make mistakes, which is also why I am making this post, because Tine is also wrong and is not helping their relationship or himself!!!

The time when he did believe in them was during episode 10 with Type in the house... it was extraordinary

Sorry I love Sarawat’s reaction to this

It’s like “Okay, you got it, why you gotta be so cute tho” 

Then the next week it goes downhill again and he believes that he is the one causing everything to go wrong (ahem, look at the first article)

He puts all the blame on himself... But Sarawat was always there to tell him that it was okay, that he was there with him, never got angry, just gave him smiles and headpats galore while looking at him with all the love in the world

I had to add in the “lets go to bed” bit here 

because I feel like it’s under appreciated. Sarawat was continuously telling Tine “we can look for it later, lets focus on this for now” and did a little nod. He was trying to help Tine not feel so bad, he recognised it and tried to give him comfort. He tried setting an agenda, so that Tine didn’t need to be overwhelmed with processing too many things if that makes any sense? He cares a lot and knew it was bothering him. It didn’t work as Tine was riddled with guilt, so he wasn’t satiated by it unfortunately, but this trip really did churn everything up :/ 

It’s just super hard to get Tine to feel alright in himself, but Sarawat is so lovely about it all. He loves Tine so much, so this week is going to hurt so bad when Tine tries to break things off as it is just going to be so difficult to make sure Tine is secure in himself and the relationship... I better stop

The fact that this is the state Tine puts himself in, again and again screams anxiety to me. The facade kept things up for a while, but I would not be surprised if this is how he went through life for quite some time. Plus the fact that Type also shows this need for a facade by trying to be a perfectionist is very interesting as well. 

Of course, I can be wrong in all of this. Please don’t hold me to it, but as a person who profoundly resonates with Tine, and would consider myself to be well versed in anxiety, I think that Tine most likely does have a form of anxiety. He just takes “self-doubt” to the next level. 

As always I am welcome to discussion! Credits to those blogs with the posts I linked to! 

Thank you for reading, I hope you guys are all staying safe, and I look forward to tomorrows episode ^-^ 

I am so not ready to let it go 😭😭

[mrswhozeewhatsis]

2019 Jason Manns FanFic FanArt Project

This project is finished!

See the completed book online HERE.

Jason was sweet about the book, as always, and was sad that this will be the last one. I think he’s finally gotten into the idea, but he understands that we can’t keep doing these forever. No matter what, though, I’m proud of what we’ve done! We rock!

Rules for the project, and links to the original posts with the stories and art are below the cut!

As I’ve done for Louden Swain in the past, so shall I do for Jason Manns! But only with your help!

Jason Manns has been an adjacent part of our show for over a decade, now. His music has been featured on the show, and he’s close friends with many of the cast, as well as a frequent collaborator with them, which has brought us so many projects with our favorites! In order to thank him for everything he does for us, I want us to do for him what we’ve done for Louden Swain.

If you’re new to this type of thing, check out previous Louden Swain projects:

2016 - Masterpost - Finished book

2017 - Masterpost - Finished book

2018 - Masterpost - Finished book

This is just like the Louden Swain Projects of the past, so if you’re familiar with them, this will be old hat for you.

This will NOT include any of his covers albums! This is for his original music, only!

I’m looking for BOTH writers and artists for this! For the Louden Swain projects, we’ve had art/aesthetics/edits for every story and I’d love to do the same with this. Whether you’re drawing or making aesthetics or doing something else, WE WANT YOU. All art and stories will be put together, printed, put in a snazzy binder, and presented to Jason in DC!

Everything you need to know is below the cut!

Here’s the schedule:

6/22/19 5:00PM EDT - I will post the rules and regs and open the projects up so you guys can start claiming songs. Only one song request at a time (though you can list a backup song or two if your first request is already taken). Once you have finished and posted your first request, then you may make a second request. (Note: Due to a mistake on my part last year, the fic for She Waits has already been written, so this song is not available this year.)

9/2/19 Midnight EDT - Deadline for writers. This gives writers 10 weeks, plus the US Labor Day holiday.

9/29/19 Midnight EDT - Deadline for artists. This give artists 4 extra weeks after the writing is done.

This schedule then gives me about three weeks to put everything together and prep for the con.

Here are the rules (below the cut):

Deadlines are final. NO LATE ENTRIES! If you find you need more time, let me know and we can try to work something out. I’m not going to make a deadline to sign up, but if you sign up the week before the end, you will only have a week to complete your part. If you want to do two, you must finish your first before you will be allowed to reserve a second song.

Artists: - You will be expected to work with writers so the art reflects the story. Whether you pick a song you like and get together with the writer, or pick a writer you like and get together on a song, it doesn’t matter to me. - If you’d like me to pair you with a writer, let me know, and I will match you up with someone. Most times, I have more writers than artists. If you are willing to work for multiple writers, I would be most grateful!!! In the past, I’ve had a pool of artists, and I tried to divvy up assignments as fairly as possible so no one artist gets all the work. -  SEND ME AN ASK or an IM or whatever and let me know what you want to do. Whether you’re working with a writer on one, or willing to be part of a pool that works on multiple, just let me know! - When you’re making your art, keep in mind that it will be pasted into a Word document, printed on letter-sized paper, and put into a sheet protector in a binder. You might want to print out what you make to see how it looks on the page. (You can check out the finished projects above for reference.) - You can post your art in your own post and tag me and #2019 Jason Manns FanFic FanArt Project or submit it to me through my blog or send it to me via carrier pigeon (please don’t send it via carrier pigeon, they poop a lot and I have cats) or drop me a line and I’ll give you an email address to send it to. - I would love some original cover art! If you are an artist and are interested in doing something, send me a message and we can talk concepts!!

Writers: - Can be any pairing or ship, reader-insert or OC, or even no pairing, whatever floats your boat. Please no RPF. - Please no smut. Anything else is up for grabs. Or maybe just a headcanon kind of thing. - Pick a song and SEND ME AN ASK with the song you have picked to sign up. I will update a masterpost on my blog with the songs taken. Songs will be assigned on a first come, first serve basis. - You can’t write for the same song you wrote about in previous projects. This is to ensure variety in the stories from project to project. - Tag me in your fic, plus use the tag #2019 Jason Manns FanFic FanArt Project. You can also submit your fic to me through my blog, or send me a message and we can discuss the pigeon and email options. (Really prefer no pigeons.) - You must use a Keep Reading feature if your fic is posted to Tumblr and over 500 words. - Your fic can either be a story based on the song or just have it somehow highlight the song. Since Jason will get to read these, I’d rather the fics be more relevant than just a song playing on the radio in the background, but do what you can. - Your fic can also be a part of another challenge, BUT make your fic relevant to the song you choose, please! (Basically, please do more for this challenge than having a Jason Manns song playing in the background.) - If I haven’t liked or reblogged your post within a couple days, let me know I missed it!  - I will give your work a basic grammar/spelling proofreading before adding it to the project. If you would like, I can beta read your story for you before you post it, too. Just let me know!

Everyone: - If you would like to include a short summary of why you like the song you picked, especially if the song has some special meaning to you, I will add that to your submission in the final project. If you look at the previous projects (links are at the top of this post), you can see the kind of thing I’m talking about at the top of some of the stories. Please keep these brief, though.

And now, for something completely different: If you are interested in doing something completely different than a Supernatural-related story or art/edit, talk to me about it, and I’ll figure out a way to include it. Letters to the band or stories that are not SPN-related can be printed out and presented separately, and a list of links to posted audio or video submissions can be added.

I’m so excited to see what everyone does!! As songs are claimed, this list will be updated!

Song List:

Album - Jason Manns Vision  Another Number Perfect Spot Journey I Remember Your Song The Same Reminders All I Ask Without You - @andromytta (fic)  @brothersinsync​ (art)

Album - Soul Soul Never Let You Go Hold On Me Real World Rooftop Rendevous - @wingedcatninja (fic and art)  Vagabond Blues You Take My Blues Away - @winchestergirl-13 (fic)  (art) He’ll Walk Away Breathe In Two Pictures

Album - Move Move Down Never Let You Leave Me (Again) Weary Man  Let Loose Need My Muse To Dance Put the Past Behind - @robbenedictandco (fic)  @espada-iv​ (art) The One Who Lifts Me Up - @winchestergirl-13 (fic)  (art) Let It Go

Single - When Did I Stop Believing 

Cover art by @alaskanartist​ 

Tagging past participants and other possibly interested people:  @a-winchester-fairtytale @adriellej @alangel1895 @andromytta @anotherwinchesterfangirl @archangel-with-a-shotgun @archangelsanonymous @atc74 @brothersinsync @castiels-forbidden-angel @crashdevlin @curliesallovertheplace @deansleather @dont-hate-relate-pls @ellen-reincarnated1967 @enchantedstarfleet @take-my-crookedwheel @growningupgeek @hideyourdemoneyes @i-cant-believe-its-not-satan @i-dont-understand-that-url @icecream-and-gadreel @iwantthedean @jelly-beans-and-gstrings @jpadjackles-mishamark @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid @lifeonsarz @littlegreenplasticsoldier @loudenswainfangirl @manawhaat @mandilion76 @multi-fan-dom-madness @mysupernaturalfics @narrettwist @notnaturalanahi @oriona75 @padamooseandgrasshopper @pastelspn @personal-boogeyman @purgatoan @robbenedictandco @roxy-davenport @samanddeanwinchester67 @sams-little-toy @samsexualdeancurious @saritaa-chan @scorpiongirl1 @sinceriouslyamellpadalecki @smmywinchester45 @stunt-idjit-number-two @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @toastiel @tricia-16 @trollhunter94 @waywardnerd67 @wideawakeandwriting @winchestergirl-13 @writingfromkitchenator @ilostmyshoe-79 @wingedcatninja @desiraelovesdestiel @impala-dreamer

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP.7 (Cont.)

“i have not now, nor ever, liked this creepy ass church elevator.”

“kanade please get out of my head, just because im hungry doesnt mean you have to tell me every time i am”

Hibiki finishes getting a full body X-ray. She’s fine.

“that anime protagonist immunity is really kicking in well!”

“by the way, your wife is here! and she’s looking mighty miffed., as opposed to me, mighty milfed.”

“you dont strike me as a mother figure but ill play along for now”

“i just hope miku’s okay...”

“oh, she’ll be fine! see, i’ve seen these kinds of plots before. big secret revealed, another lover is shown, the victim watches as they’re thoroughly cheated on, and they get to lik-”

“please stop breathing”

Genjuro’s wasting away again in Margaritaville. Looking for some daughter to adopt. SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE’S A, WOOOOMAAAAAN TO BLAAAAAAAAAAME, BUT HE KNOWS

XYLOPHONE RIFF

THAT’S IT’S ALL HIS FAULT

XYLOPHONE RIFF

“i hate it when he gets like this. jimmy buffets not a good look for him.”

“for once you and i agree. seeing the commander sulk like this like a middle aged perma-tourist is genuinely miserable”

“hey homies! im back and i brought some bitches! oh, jesus, why does this place smell like mistakes in miami?”

“its me. im sorry. every time i feel like i failed as a dad, my anti-dad energies manifest. imagine every midlife crisis rolled up into a single ball, smacked into the face for eternity. thats the depth of my pain for failing this girl.”

In a moment of positivity, the friendship between Tsubasa and Hibiki is cemented.

> Tsubasa has joined the party.

“FRIENDSHIP!”

“fweindship.”

“uuuuhhhhh... dadship? yeah thats close enough.”

“WE’RE ALL GOOD FRIENDS!”

“ya tiddies are ringing again, better go get it”

Ryoko also points out that Hibiki’s relic is fusing with herself at an alarming rate. This is important to keep in mind.

Meanwhile, at night.

Miku is posing in the motherly “you done fucked up, where have you been young lady” position. A cold scolding is coming.

“.........................hey miku......”

“you can come in. are you worried im gonna bite? you suplexed a car. that shouldn’t be an issue anymore.”

“miku, i.... i wanted to tell you.... but.... the plot wouldn’t let me, miku....”

“should’ve told the plot to fuck off anyway. now you’re gonna live with that. you’re sleeping... on the bottom bunk.”

“b.... b..... b...... b.... b...... bottom bunk...?”

They slept separately that night. God, this is so stupid. All of this is so goddamned stupid. “I’m so mad at you even though you saved my life.” This is just so. AUGH. THIS IS DUMB. KANEKO WRITE BETTER ANGST THAT MAKES SENSE THAT ISN’T THIS.

Meanwhile, far away from this garbage...

Chris, having been evicted from Fine’s McMansion, wanders the streets of mumblemumble aimlessly. Don’t be fooled by her new fancy dress. Basically, she’s a combat-competent hobo.

“no food. no home. no victories. this sucks. whyd you do it, fine? we coulda been great together. but no. ya fired me. now i look like im prancing the red light district with a highly advanced superweapon around my neck.”

“no... hibiki’s to blame. ever since that genderbent little mac showed up to fight me, it’s been all downhill. fine thought me a laughstock because i couldnt take out her oversized boxing gloves, and now she beat me while i had nehushtan. god... i wish i never met that damn hamster faced chubby cheeked nerd.”

“wait, whats that crying”

Chris spies two kids talking to each other, one of them crying. Chris immediately makes an assumption, believing the big bro is bullying his sis.

“hey! stop nicking her lunch money, twerp”

Chris currently is a firm believer of corporeal punishment.

But the sister deflects the blow. Chris can’t even defeat children right now. Truly, this is a record low for her. You know you blew it when even kids are schooling you on basic morality. She then tells the little girl to stop crying, ironically mirroring her brother.

The infamous double T-Pose maneuver. Chris, you might as well get a shovel and start digging your own grave.

“i keep doing bad things badly, and now im doing good things badly... when fine said i was bad... did she just mean im not talented?”

Chris, finally, does a good thing and helps these kids find their parents.

“yeah. hibiki saved a kid when she got her gear. guess what? bam! im saving two! that’s fifty percent more kid per kid saved. take that, weirdo.”

The kids call her out on Chris singing unconsciously, and Chris gets flustered over it. Dawwwwww.

Chris manages to get them to safety to their Dad...

...while brutally lying about it, making Chris look like a predator. There’s a very crushing irony at play here, given who Chris used to serve.

“ugggggggggggggggghhhhhh hes not even gonna payyyyy meeeeeee why the fuck did i dooooo thiiiiiiissssss”

“hey, you know. you kids have a really nice relationship with one another. care to give me tips on how to be an empathetic human being capable of making friends?”

“maybe we’re born with it”

“maybe its maybeline”

“maybeline...”

Meanwhile...

A cold wind blows through Lydian Apartment 69-L. (I don’t actually know if that’s their room number, I just made it up.)

“jesus take the wheel, because i’m jumping out the passenger seat to save this current wreck of a relationship”

“miku please i saved your life, doesnt that count for anything”

“you already killed me the moment you lied. also im taking the bottom bunk so i dont have to see your face coming down the ladder.”

“miku you cant hide in this depression den forever. i know i hurt you and im sorry for it, but please understand i literally couldnt do it. you saw there were punches and violence and stuff... i didnt want you tied to that...”

“what was that? i cant hear your apologies over my incredibly loud snoring. SNOOOOOOORE. SNOOOOOOOORE. SNOOO- fuck, i just swallowed my spit, fuck”

“i hope this cocoon of displeasure you’ve made for yourself lets you erupt into a butterfly of acceptance so i can fly with you again.”

“......thats not fair. you cant say those beautiful metaphors and get away with it. let me be mad... sniff... let me be mad...”

Sadness wafts in the den of lies Hibiki has been forced into.

No music plays. There is only heartbreak, and woe.

In the midst of this pain...

Ryoko loredumps about how the Symphogears work and are immune to the noise on her blog, ‘hornyonmainforscience.org’, her hybrid science journal slash kink zone. It’s mostly a recap with some pretty good soft techno beats in it.

“i made a custom brew of red bull, five hour energy drink, coffee, and cream. i call it gamer girl piss.”

“damn. that’s some good piss.”

She muses about how Hibiki has managed to break the limitations of her Symphogear, making her a totally unique specimen. Wait, where have we heard this before...?

Hey... Ryoko... let’s just... cool it a bit with the Hibiki pictures... come on...

Ryoko touches upon the Custodians and the Curse of Babel. We ain’t touching that shit until later, because that’s another shitfuck box of crazy just ready to jump us in a dark alleyway to rob us of our wits.

Back to Lydian:

“miku whats the answer to the first three multiple choice questions”

“B. A. D.”

“oh, thanks. huh, BAD.”

“yeah. you are.”

“mmm. taste likes dissapointment. just like my life.”

“hey table for two haha get it cause there’s two chairs and miku for the love of god, please, forgive me”

“ive surgically removed my eyes and drew eyelashes over them with sharpie so i dont have to see your bird bangs.”

“thats very rude to both me and my hair. also, wig.”

Even Hibiki’s meal is judging her. Mainly for not eating it. Fucking look at this. God, that looks amazing. Fuck, why did I write this while I was hungry.

“miku you cant do this forever. i might die and youll end up crying on my tombstone going ‘oh god, why, oh god’, and really, i cant live with myself if that happens. mainly because id already be dead by then”

The Anime Janai crew show up to break some icebergs with a goddamn sledgehammer. As the self-aware Gods of this realm, they got very tired of this poor display of angst, and have decided to directly intervene.

Nevermind. They came for her kneecaps, and they most certainly got them.

PLEASE. I’M BEGGING YOU. END THIS GARBAGE PLOT THREAD.

“look. imma lay down the facts. yall are gay. yall are in love. yall are angry for the wrong reasons. its nobody’s fault here but the writer. so please kiss and make up. pretty please.”

“kaneko... you fool... we all know what the original sin is. its your hack writing making this stupidity in the first place. let the pencil go, asshole!”

They bring up the fact that Hibiki isn’t doing her work and wonder if she has a job on the side, which isn’t allowed by the school. Miku gets annoyed and bails, with Hibiki running after her. Unfortunately, Miku runs faster...

“oh god miku not the rooftop whatever you’re thinking just dont do it! please!”

“no. i came here to angst, since this is the Maximum Angst Zone.”

“i..... okay! okay, that’s fair! rooftops are the perfect place to look sad while getting proper air ventilation, thats fine”

It really would have been better played if it was played off that she felt hurt not because of the lie, but because she felt like she could have helped her better having known the truth, and it being a self-loathing sort of scenario for not being there better for her and not fully understanding the risk at play.

But no, instead, we get this.

Absolutely obliterated. A heart ripped, shredded, and sent to the Shadow Realm.

The episode ends on that note, but has a post credit scene.

Naked. On an old timey telephone. On a computer. Wearing stockings and long gloves.

The main antagonist of the series, everybody.

She’s talking the best English possible to some random-ass American when suddenly bursting through the scene is none other than:

“I WANT WORKERS COMPENSATION YOU BITCH, BEFORE I UNIONIZE YOUR NAKED ASS”

“AND I WANT A GOOD REFERNECE FOR MY FUTURE EMPLOYER, AND ALSO A SEVERANCE PACKAGE SINCE I’M FUCKING HOMELESS”

“i paint my eyelashes with mascara made from the tar of freshly carbonated corpses manufactured through noise, what on gods green earth compels you to think id give a rats ass about you?”

“so you never cared, huh! you’re just a nasty naked hedonist trying to- trying to- what the fuck are you even trying to do?!”

“i want to live the dream every spicy little fossil like me yearns for.”

“I WANNA FUCK GOD!”

“how- what? what? how do you even- what? are you- do you want to be the pope? is that it? does the pope get to fuck god? are you- is this a larping thing? you’ve really been into larping lately! i don’t like this!”

“youve never read the old testament, have you. ass out, pussy bare, hips up and barefoot. that’s how god’s always liked it.”

“now get lost, punk. you tipped off my hand to genjuro and now you being here is going to ruin everything. if you still feel any semblance of devotion, eat one of your own bullets and call it a day.”

“it’s 2012 bitch, if the mayans dont get you, I WILL”

“what god gives, He takes away, and so do i. i built you from the ground up. your relic, which was good for jack shit on you. the nehushtan, which you failed to do anything with except zap a couple hundred people. stop wars? you’re a walking war, waged by me, for me. and your cartridge has just run out of bullets.”

“uh oh! hand’s acting up again! better bail before i send you back to smacktown where all the bitter little shittalkers like you strut around spending their lives being useless as hell.”

“ah fuck, im not dealing with no manos: the hands of fate bullshit again”

“and guess what else i got on motherfucker”

“i see the union efforts have officially been busted. understandable, have a nice day ma’am”

“LEAVE.”

“I’M GOING, I’M GOING”

[drashleighreid]

mel, you are worth so much more than that. even after reading their response it’s so obvious the way it was so “““well-written and Composed””” that they were just trying to come across as sincere and respectful- meanwhile throwing little jabs at you in practically every sentence. it reeks of bullshit and still doesn’t cover up the fact they they just.. up and left. anyway i’m sure you don’t want to keep dwelling on it but just know that a lot of people here love you and are here for you

thank you so much. i don’t want to start a whole thing and it’s really just made me super sad and upset because i don’t know what really triggered her to become so cold and callous all of a sudden. i’ve had strangers reach out to me, people i’m estranged from reach out to me, and someone who i thought was one of my closest friends blocked me lol and has been calling me manipulative and vindictive and actively making everything so much worse. 

i honestly only read the response once because i was in a really unstable place and i don’t want to get back there so i probably won’t read it again but it was really upsetting. a lot of the stuff she brought up were things i said to her in confidence relating to my neurodivergence and how adhd affects the way that i socialise. it was taken wildly out of context and broadcasted to her 20k followers which is what was really upsetting. im very aware of my faults and do my best to not let these things become toxic but me bringing up how important she was to me and how i tend to only have one best friend at a time was approached through the lens of me just wanting to express how adhd makes me attach to people and focus on one friend at a time. i said these things with vulnerability and full knowledge of the fact that her friendship style was very different from mine and i just wanted to express it so that there would be open communication and so that we could navigate it in a way that suited both of us. but it never really got across like that i guess and the friendship became kind of difficult and i could tell she was resenting me for bringing up these discussions and wanting to talk about it. i felt very sensitive and vulnerable in the friendship because of other things going on in my life and because our conversations felt really different and i could tell something had changed. i tried for ages to have an open discussion about it but i guess she can only tell me how she really feels when she has an audience lol. the times we did speak about it she assured me that ‘youre supposed to be able to ask for things in friendships’ so i did. i asked for more communication, i told her i felt vulnerable and sensitive and like she was pulling away, i asked why we weren’t headcanoning or talking as much as we used to, and then i could tell she was resenting me for it, vague posting about people ‘expecting too much from her’ instead of telling me directly when all i was doing was asking her to just tell me how she felt but she could never ‘articulate her thoughts’. 

and last weekend i thought we were in a good place. we’d had a discussion about 4 days prior about being more communicative and open and i thought everything was fine. then on the monday i had a really, really bad day. i was in the midst of packing to move house, had to trek across town to sign paperwork, had a director workshop and a screening to go to, was feeling sad about not having a support network here and having to do all of this stuff alone when i haven’t moved out by myself before, got a weird call telling me i owed a huge tax bill which ended up being a scam but came at the worst possible time lkjsf, just hit a super low point mentally, and then during the middle of that when i was literally sobbing in a starbucks and people were looking at me i got a string of messages from her that essentially said ‘you should go to the hospital. we should stop being friends. get some help’ and i literally couldnt think of anything worse to say to someone in a crisis. that could have waited. also literally nothing preceded that. me feeling so crummy wasn’t even about her but that just made me spiral more and made me feel so awful because she was someone i cared about and thought i could rely on for support. then when i, quite manically, asked her what was going on and explained my side she just blocked me on everything lol. so thats that on that. 

im sure she has her own perspective on the situation but to me its just been so cold and upsetting and confusing? i literally don’t know what changed that got us to this point. she doesn’t have to be here for me or talk to me or support me if she’s stressed out or busy with school, but she doesn’t have to actively make things worse. i literally wouldnt do this to my worst enemy if i knew they were in a really low, unstable mental place. im allowed to vague on my own blog. i never used her name, im not even in her same circles. i barely speak to anyone in the pp fandom. so unless she’s telling people what’s going on and they’re lurking me, then i highly doubt anyone would put 2 and 2 together. the people ive been speaking to about this are my therapist, my mother, and a RL friend lol. she was the one who said that us having no connection on social media would be best for us then she lurks me and broadcasts personal things to thousands of people? after randomly cutting off all communication when im having a really rough time? i just dont understand how me being upset about this makes me ‘vindictive’. also the basis of the whole argument - hers included - is that i loved her and enjoyed her company so much that i wished i could speak to her more... fuck me, right? 

anyway, thank you for your support. idk if this is gonna spark a whole other thing but im honestly just sad and done with it now. ive had a lot of people show me support over the past few days and it’s felt really nice to remember how loved i am and that there are people out there who actually want to talk to me and enjoy my friendship and me, entirely the way that i am. 

i hope you have a really lovely day, i love you too x 

[gardenflowerswriting]

Action and Reaction IV

A/N: I’m changing my masterlists to make series have their own one, just letting y’all know if you see it being posted. This got real dark real fast, sorry. Enjoy! Gif: ivarthebonelesspage

You sat still, needing your thumbs between each other as the old women in front of you continued speaking. Ivar told you she was a völva, she would teach you everything he wished. It was weird to hear of different gods, hear of the stories they were told in, hear of the challengers they all faced. "Floki?" She asked.

"He is a trickster?"

She smiled, "good, what else?"

You tried recalling all the information that she filled your head with, "he's child is Hel. . .oh! He married Angrboda."

She nodded her head, "and Hel?"

You frowned, the stories she told you of Hel made you sad, she seemed lonely, "she is a goddess reigning on Hel itself."

She titled your head, "good my dear," her hand took your chin, "you are a quick learner."

You smiled, "thank you."

Her hand finally let go, "you may go." You nodded your head and left the small hut she was staying in. You walked to the castle, picking up your skirt as the steps grew wider apart. It had almost been completely dark out, but you decided to wander the familiar halls, feeling the stones as you walked by them.

Your head turned as you heard a voice that seemed to clear to be far, you poked your head from the corner and saw Ivar, his body hovering over a figure you knew to well. "Please stop this, I don't understand why you must act like your feelings for me are subsided." It was Bryn's blonde hair that gave her small body away to you.

"What do you not understand? I have told you, you were and are just a slave."

Her eyes twinkled in his, as you watched her hand lower on his body, "I have heard of what the Ragnarsons think of slaves, and what will you get from a stupid Christian anyway?" Your eyes followed her hands as they touched his crotch, "I bet she hasn't even touched you," when he didn't answer she pulled her head back, "no?" She pouted, grabbing him by he chin and pulling his lips to hers. Your eyes widened and you wanted to look away, you wanted to run, anything but stay there. You felt your body take a few steps before finally taking your eyes off them.

You ran, no sprinted to your rooms, pulling the door right behind you, almost sinking back into them. You wanted to cry, but you couldn't. You knew she was right, you were nothing to Ivar, just a Christian he wanted his way with. You told yourself not to cry, not to let her words, the words of a girl you thought was a friend, burn into your head. You pulled yourself into the bed, grabbing at the furs to cover you, cover the sadness that consumed your face.

When you woke up, you heard the sound of water splashing, it almost scared you, but your eyes opened to see Ivar sitting in a small tub, scrapping a rag across his skin. His movements were harsh, it made you cringe at the sound of his skin almost burning across him. You got up, without him noticing and walked behind him. Your delicate hand stopped his rough one as he turned to face who was interrupted, "Here," you spoke quietly.

He nodded, watching as you sat down next to him and began delicate strokes upon the redness, after a while he finally spoke, "I wished to see you after you visited the völva. The slaves said you disappeared."

You shrugged, not taking your eyes off him arm, "I was tired."

"I would have rather known you were safe."

You answered bleakly again, "the slaves knew where I was."

You could tell he was annoyed, "did you not just hear me? The slaves said you disappeared." When you didn't look up to answer him, he took your chin into his hand, "is there something you are not telling me?" He spat out.

You raised your brow quick, "it seems loyalty does not reciprocate when it comes to Vikings," you said low, “I shouldn’t say I’m surprised though.”

His brows moved together, "what?"

You pushed your head away from his grip, "just remember, I know this place like my own body. The places you chose to sneak off to, where the places I hid as a child."

His expression revealed he knew what you were talking about, you pushed yourself up as he tried grabbing for you, "y/n!" But his hand was covered with water, making it slide down your arm and yank at your hand instead, your eyes glared at him, "do not leave."

You yanked your arm back, "I may do whatever I wish, you do not own me!"

You found yourself in the same place you were only a couple days ago. The hall was empty once again, nothing but the night air creeping onto your warm skin. You knew if you sat and cried to yourself, you would end up going back into Ivars arms, holding him as your massaged his head. But this time, anger filled your sadness. No matter how hard you would try, you knew the tears would not come. You would have rather cried for your family or to your god than cry over Ivar.

Instead of warming his bed, you slid down to the floor, making that the spot you would sleep in tonight. You heard rustling in the room, then the pulling of your door, "come back."

You stared straight, "no."

"Y/N," his tone turned meaner, "Come inside here, now."

You crossed your arms tighter, "no."

"Fine! You wish to freeze be my guest!" He slammed the door behind him, but you could hear him open it moments later, "get your ass in here now!"

You glared up at him, "I am not a child! I may make my own choices."

He cocked his head, "fine," you felt his hand wrap around your hair as he yanked your head back, bringing his lips to your ear, "I have been more than nice," his voice was hoarse, "but you are dancing on a fine line." You winced as his grip became tighter, "now get your ass up, or I will drag you inside so help me, on the gods."

You couldn't take the pain burning on your head, you grabbed at his hand as you stood, "let go."

He did as you said, moving out of the door frame to gesture you could walk in first, you did, but when you heard the door close, you wished you would have stood your ground, not allow for him to do that.

When he walked forward, you noticed he only wore a fine cloth as he leaned his body against the rim of the wooden tub, using it as support, "Come here."

You crossed your arms, "no," you said, trying to say it with more force.

He shrugged, leaning back a little, "Fine, then go back to sleep.”

You stood taller, “no.”

You didn’t flinch when his hand hit the side of the tub, “then say something other than no!”

You squinted your eyes at him, “I have. I said loyalty is not reciprocated it seems.”

You could see him clench his jaw with annoyance as his eyes drifted away from you, “I did nothing.”

“But you let it happen?”

“No!” He was quick to interrupt you, “no.”

“Ivar, if you wish to have Bryn, have her. But I will not be made a fool.”

He walked towards you slowly, using the things in his path to support him, “I have told you,” his grunts interrupted him, “I want you. I do not want that girl, she followed me.”

He was a few inches away from you, you tried not looking to his bare chest, it looked tan in the firelight, “but you allowed her to?”

“I-” you caught him, and you knew you did. He allowed for her to follow him, with the full acknowledgement that she was starved from his touch.

“You did not tell her to go, to leave you alone?” His eyes went to the floor, searching for an answer, “you my have been nice to me, but I will not be made a fool in front of my people.”

“You promis-”

“I did not promise nor owe you a thing, except my time,” you turned back to the bed, stepping into it and turning your back away from him, “so you may have it.”

You could hear his grunts of anger as he frantically got dressed, you didn’t bother to see what he was doing, so you closed your eyes again, knowing you would rather close your eyes than cry in front of him.

* * *

“Oww!” You jumped up as the door slammed open, “Ivar please! You are hurting me!”

You widened your eyes to see Bryns blonde hair balled up in Ivars fists, “you think I care so much about her?” He asked, pointing to her with his spare hand that wrapped around a knife.

You shook your head, “Ivar don’t.”

“No! You said I could ‘have her,’ well Y/N I don’t want her!”

You could see her fear spread, “y/n!” She yelled at you, “please! Please help me-”

In one swift movement, you watched as Ivars knife slid into her stomach. If you would have blinked, you would have never seen it. He allowed for her body to fall to the floor as your hand cover your open mouth, “you-you killed her,” you words were so quiet, you didn’t think he would hear.

He turned to the two men who stood in the doorway, “take her,” they began to lifted Bryns body off the ground. His face turned to you, “I want you.”

Tags: @naaladareia @onjacks-blog @ivarslittlebadgirl

[duaneodavila]

Kopf: My Short Response To The Response

On July 19, 2018, seven young female lawyers, with impressive educational credentials but little practical experience, founded an organization called Law Clerks for Workplace Accountability (LCWA). All (but perhaps one) appear to have served a year or two as law clerks to federal judges and all apparently had wonderful experiences.

The foregoing is a screen capture from the LCWA web site.

On July 20, 2018, they submitted a response (hereinafter Response)[i] to the Report of the Federal Judiciary Workplace Conduct Working Group to the Judicial Conference[ii] of the United States (June 1, 2018) (hereinafter Report) (available here together with the executive summary).[iii]

After the issuance of the Response, the group posted a “clarification” on Twitter which reads:

One clarification regarding the recommendations in our memo: we are not trying to make these changes/reforms by ourselves. While our members do bring a wealth of relevant experience to the table, we recognize fully that we may lack some institutional knowledge.[iv]

(Italics added by Kopf.)

After learning of the LCWA from How Appealing on July 20, 2018, I wrote a tweet regarding the LCWA’s Response that quoted Howard Bashman, the author of How Appealing, and added: “New Spanish Inquisition by SJWs? Thank goodness for Article III.” It also contained a pen and ink image of a man on the rack. My tweet generated near universal condemnation.[v]

At about the same time as I was largely being condemned, I offered, via twitter, to provide a respectful substantive critique of the Response if the LCWA would publish it in full on their web site. I wanted one place where the reader might compare the two papers side by side. I envisioned writing more than a blog post. After all the Response was 15 single-spaced pages long and it raised too many issues for discussion in a short form. To date, the offer has not been accepted. So, I have moved on.

In turn, our host wrote a post entitled “Another Fine Mess, Judge Kopf.” SHG reprinted the tweet in full. He captured many of my concerns but questioned whether this was a fight worth fighting and questioned whether Twitter was the place to do so.

In this post, I will elaborate upon my tweet.[vi] But given the constraints of space imposed by the short-form nature of a blog post, I must be brief. So, I concentrate on Part III of the Response, beginning at page 9, and particularly the two recommendations that I find the most troubling.

Special Pleading

According to their website, “Representatives of Law Clerks for Workplace Accountability attended, on an ad hoc basis, three meetings of this Working Group. We also submitted written proposals and suggestions to the group.” This was not good enough.

The LCWA complained about a lack of special access: “We repeatedly asked to see the report before it was published, but were denied that opportunity.” (Italics added by Kopf.) Then, in their Response, “We ask for a permanent seat” on the Working Group. Response at pp. 10-12.

Why are these bright, young, but inexperienced,[vii] female lawyers special? More generally, why would law clerks be entitled to formally participate in the decisional process of important judiciary-wide policy formation when other “stakeholders” are not?[viii]

What about the courtroom deputy (CRD) who was assaulted by Judge Kent? Shouldn’t CRDs have a seat at the table? What about probation officers who carry guns and literally risk their lives every day? What about administrative or clerical staff from the circuit executive’s offices or the various clerks’ offices or at the Administrative Office? What about pro se and death penalty staff attorneys? What about judicial assistants? We should not forget court reporters. How about the IT staffs at the district, circuit, and national levels who are tasked with maintaining the computers and other digital equipment that make the U.S. Courts a leader in court-related technology? And the list goes on.

I suspect that the LCWA wants a very special “seat at the table” because its seven members have an agenda about which I vigorously disagree. I turn to that agenda next.

The Agenda

The LCWA is not satisfied with Judge Kozinski’s forced resignation that halted an investigation by a special committee of judges and allowed him to keep his pension but resulted in the utter devastation of his reputation and an extraordinary public shaming.

The LCWA is not shy about wanting more:

The scandal surrounding Judge Kozinski provides a unique opportunity for the Judiciary to examine these issues. How did Judge Kozinski manage to engage in sustained harassment for such a long period of time? How many people, including judges, were aware of his harassment? Why didn’t his victims report him sooner? The Working Group does not appear to have interviewed any of the individuals involved, including victims and other employees at the Ninth Circuit, such as judges. By failing to address the fallout of the numerous allegations against Judge Kozinski directly—or further investigate allegations as to any reported harasser—the Working Group lost an opportunity to learn from its past mistakes and to craft future policies to avoid these mistakes. The Judiciary also missed the opportunity to publicly acknowledge its own failings that allowed this behavior to continue for decades, to demonstrate a genuine understanding of what should have been done in the past, and to commit to specific, meaningful changes that employees and members of the public can trust. Acceptance of responsibility is difficult, as judges know better than most, given their unique role in the sentencing context. But it is critical to ensure that victims feel heard and future victims feel comfortable coming forward.

Response at pp. 13-14 (Italics by Kopf).

First, let me be clear. If Kozinski did what many allege (not the least of which is the seemingly credible allegation of a claims court judge[ix]), then his behavior was intolerable and inexcusable. But that is all the Gertruding you will get from me.

Second, I see no purpose in attempting to further excavate the lurid details given that many, perhaps all, of those details are already in the public domain or are otherwise known to the Chief Justice’s working group members.[x] It is old, very sad news.

But even more importantly, the Report provides a long list of things that the Judicial Conference is likely to adopt to make sure this sordid story is less likely to repeat itself. For example, the Report proposes to create an internal Office of Judicial Integrity to provide counsel and assistance regarding workplace conduct for all employees of the federal judiciary. Id. at p. 37 & n.66.

Third, how in the hell can the LCWA’s call for further investigation be accomplished without harm being done to innocent bystanders who are likely to have been ignorant or unwilling to act upon law clerk gossip? Imagine for a moment questioning Justice Kennedy, with whom Kozinski served on the Ninth Circuit.

If I were asking the questions, here are three I would most likely ask:

Remembering you are under oath, Justice Kennedy, what did you know about Kozinski’s mistreatment of his law clerks, and when did you know it?

If you claim to have no knowledge on the subject, are you calling people liars who say it was common knowledge?

Fess up, Justice Kennedy, you knew about Judge Kozinski’s misbehavior and did nothing about it, isn’t that true?

After we get done with Justice Kennedy, then we should proceed to interrogate every judge or Justice who ever sat on the Ninth Circuit during the time Kozinski was also serving as a judge.

After we get done with judges, let’s proceed to the law clerks. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Let’s put Judge Kavanaugh, who clerked for Kozinski, under oath and grill him. After all, Elie wants to know:

What, if anything, did Kavanaugh know about Kozinski’s behavior? What, if anything, did Kavanaugh do to help the women being harassed by the judge?

This isn’t some guilt by association thing. Reports indicate that even after his time as a clerk, Kavanaugh and Kozinski remained close. He was there while harassment was allegedly occurring.

Elie Mystal, Did Brett Kavanaugh Know About Alex Kozinski, Above the Law (July 10, 2018) (Italics in original).[xi]

And, while we are at it, we should closely question Eugene Volokh, who clerked for Kozinski and who was very close to the putative monster. “The Judge officiated at my wedding. I talk to him often. I consider him a close friend, he’s taught me a huge amount, and he’s helped me tremendously in my career, and not just by giving me a valuable credential.” Eugene Volokh, June 13, 2008 at 1:36pm. Surely, he deserves the third degree.

After we are done with the law clerks, we should cut a wide swath through the Ninth Circuit Executive’s office. Those folks had to know about Kozinski’s misbehavior. After that, let’s goose-step down to every district court where Kozinski served as a trial judge. While we are at it, let’s question under oath law professors Leah Litman and Rick Hasen as to why they stayed silent until the dam was broken by others.

Fourth, why would anyone except publicly proclaimed accusers of Kozinski cooperate? The LCWA explicitly wants to find judges and Ninth Circuit employees who might have suspected something yet decided to keep their own counsel, perhaps for very good reasons such as a lack of personal knowledge. Why would a sane person cooperate with this “investigation” knowing the LCWA wants to out those who appear to the LCWA to have been complicit? And, yet, if Judge X, knowing nothing about Kozinski’s alleged wrongdoing, told the LCWA headhunters to pound sand, what would be the result of such intransigence? Shall we name and shame the uncooperative judge?

Fifth, and very importantly, if one truly needs details of the federal judges who have allegedly misbehaved more recently and what happened to them so one can make good policy, read Appendix 4 to the Report (letter from James C. Duff, Director of the Administrative Office, to Chairman Charles E. Grassley and Ranking Member Dianne Feinstein, at pp. 9-17 (Feb. 16, 2018)). There you will find the details about the alleged misbehavior of Judge Walter Smith (alleged sexual harassment of clerk’s office employee); Judge Edward Nottingham (complaint involving allegations that he spent thousands of dollars at strip clubs and was involved in a prostitution ring); Judge Richard Cebull (accused of making racist jokes and disparaging statements about women); Judge Samuel Kent (indicted and convicted on three counts of abusive sexual contact); Judge Richard Roberts (accused of raping a 16-year-old witness while he was a prosecutor); and Judge Alex Kozinski (accused of sexual harassment and misconduct by several women).[xii]

In short, I resist with every fiber of my being the unnecessary spilling of more blood. L’affaire Kozinski has done enough harm to the federal judiciary. We don’t need to autopsy the corpse to understand the evident disease.

Richard G. Kopf Senior United States District Judge

[i]  Should we do a retrospective investigation of all these judges to determine who knew what when? Maybe we ought also to investigate former Judge Mark Fuller. After all, he was allegedly a wife beater. You can find my thoughts on Fuller here, here, here, here, and  here.

[ii] He will surely also face such questioning when he appears before the Senate. Would that suffice?

[iii] “A former U.S. Court of Federal Claims judge said Kozinski grabbed and squeezed each of her breasts as the two drove back from an event in Baltimore in the mid-1980s, after she had told him she did not want to stop at a motel and have sex.” Matt Zapotosky, Nine more women say judge subjected them to inappropriate behavior, including four who say he touched or kissed them, The Washington Post (Dec. 15, 2017).

[iv] Judge M. Margaret McKeown, from the Ninth Circuit, is a member. Judge McKeown chaired the Judicial Conference Codes of Conduct Committee, is chair of the newly formed Ninth Circuit Workplace Environment Committee, and served on various committees, working groups, and panels related to workplace and gender discrimination while on the bench and in private practice. She served as President of the Federal Judges Association. Judge McKeown, who I have been privileged to know personally, is one of the nicest, toughest, best and most highly regarded appellate judges in the country. See here, for example.

[v] None of these very bright women served in the judiciary for more than two years. None of them have publicly claimed to have experienced harassment at the hands of a judge or anyone else in the judiciary. Moreover, who appointed LCWA to represent anyone?

[vi] If law clerks are to be added as permanent members of the working group, then I suggest that career law clerks would be a much better fit due to their experience, as opposed to term clerks who spend much of their first year figuratively trying to find the courthouse.

[vii] See also Max Mitchell, Judge Who Stirred Controversy With Tweet Unlikely to Face Discipline, Experts Say, Law.Com (July 23, 2018), Joe Patrice, Outspoken Federal Judge Launches Amazingly Dumb Twitter Tirade, Above the Law (July 24, 2018).

[viii] I have been told by people I admire and trust that my tweet and related responses on Twitter “lacked nuance,” “were inartful,” or appeared to “punch down.” I accept those criticisms and apologize for my errors.

[ix] The Response is in PDF form and must be accessed through LCWA’s website.

[x] Presided over by the Chief Justice, the Judicial Conference of the United States comprised of judges is the national policy-making body for the federal courts. For more, see here.

[xi] I do not have the space to describe the extensive Report. But from my perspective—as a former federal appellate law clerk, as a former United States Magistrate Judge, as a former Chief Judge, as a former member of the Codes of Conduct Committee, and as a judge with over 30 years of judicial service—the Report is remarkably candid, thorough, and practical. The authors are distinguished and experienced. I applaud the Report, even though in spots I am frankly concerned that it goes too far. That said, there are prudential reasons why the Report should be adopted in whole by the Judicial Conference and without significant change. The Report is worth a close and careful review, including the appendices.

[xii] This belated “clarification” is an understatement of epic proportion.

Kopf: My Short Response To The Response republished via Simple Justice

[orgasmicstrawberries]

1:49 am

maybe i feel out of it lately because everything is about to change. im afraid of the future and whats coming and it makes me constantly nostalgic of like 2012 and it makes me want to go back just for a second, when things were good back then, before everything went bad. i knew id make it here one day, this just isnt how i pictured it and it’s kind of hard for me to deal with that in some weird way. part of me didnt think id make it, so that part of me feels even more isolated because it doesnt even know what it’s doing or where it’s going from here.

i feel like i know what will help bring me back to reality but unfortunately they are out of reach, as now it seems they will always just somebody i used to know, as much as i don’t want it to be. seeing it so close but so far away is one of the most frustrating feelings in the world and it makes me feel helpless. 

everything makes me feel helpless. there are so many people i want to know or people i have known that i want to know again that i won’t be able to be close to, since everybody is living their own lives. there are so many things i want to do that i will practically never be able to do with a stupid barely over minimum wage job. there are things i will never be able to learn because i don’t have enough time in my life, and i don’t even know how much time i have.

but throughout my 18 years of life, i feel like i have been through a shit ton, and although i have so much more to learn, i still feel accomplished because of the amount of suffering i have endured and what i learned from all of it. here are some things ive learned up to 18 years.

speak up. as somebody who is constantly anxious, i definitely have held my tongue in some situations because i was either too worried of what they would think of me, or i second guess myself. i learned that i have to trust myself, and trust is the key to my anxiety, whether it be trusting me or other people. i still have issues with this trust but im getting better.

continuing the last paragraph’s topic, trust. without trust, there is no foundation to anything. people seldom talk about how we should all trust ourselves, and i feel like it’s because it’s something that is so hard to do. how can you trust yourself when you don’t know who you are yet? how can you trust yourself when it feels like your mind and brain are working against you because of all of your mental issues? constant second guessing is something i struggle with everyday, but i’m continuing to progress on immediately following my gut in certain situations, and it’s fulfilling. i need to know what i want and go get it. sometimes i feel like i have subconscious trust issues because of shit that happened in my adolescence, because i used to trust myself. now i am too afraid of being wrong and too afraid of even slightly upsetting anybody; confrontation gives me anxiety and i fucking hate it. i just need to trust myself.

acknowledge it. even if it doesnt seem important in the moment, it may be in the long run. ESPECIALLY if it is something that bothers you, as it will fester and make you sad and anxious over something that may be much smaller in real life than in your head. 

accept relapses. recovery doesnt have a timeline; i still ache over things that happened in 2014 sometimes, and thats okay. it happened. things are bigger and better now, but that doesnt mean im not allowed to feel sad. pay attention to your own patterns, notice when things aren’t going as well as usual. self-care is something that should be paid more attention to by all humans. when things get bad, try to focus on the good that happened beforehand and how things will be better. baby steps help: cant get out of bed? take a short walk. crying your eyes out? watch movies at a friends house. it’s okay to struggle. what’s not okay is to not try.

recognize toxic thought processes. half of the bullshit i would try to wrap my head around would be ideas that i made up in my head. i felt like i was genuinely losing my sanity and i was so stuck in my own head that i couldn’t even distinguish it from reality, and i think that is the worst psychological experience i have ever gone through. i felt like i wasn’t even in my body and i was just this shell that walked around doing ‘isa’ things. it felt wrong and i felt like i didn’t belong on this planet. the smallest things would be twisted into these massive issues, and i unintentionally hurt people because i couldn’t navigate any of my thoughts and feelings. i still think about this experience quite often and hurt quite a bit, and i’m still trying to come to terms to the facts. it’s a strange and difficult feeling to have to convince yourself of facts, and the whole process is exhausting and frustrating. if it’s fucking true, then why do i have a million reasons in my head as to why it wouldn’t be? a million invalid reasons. it’s almost as if my brain tries to prove anything that makes me happy wrong, as if it’s trying to sabotage me. it’s incredibly hard to push those thoughts back. but it has to be done.

write. even if you don’t know what to write about, write about something. i write in a journal and nobody even uses tumblr anymore so nobody’s gonna fuckin see what i post here, so i thought typing it out would be faster and less painless (literally, my hand) for me. i guess i’ll use tumblr the way it really is supposed to be used, as a BLOG. huh? just find what works for you. 

i know nobody is going to read this, but it helped me lay out my thoughts a little bit because they’ve been all over the place lately and it will be nice to look back at this post if things ever get bad again. thanks tumblr

[krystisyaandwine]

Hello, everyone! I’m so excited that it’s First We Were IV release week and even more excited to have the wonderful author Alexandra Sirowy here on the blog today! This is certainly one of my favorite YA thrillers of 2017, so make sure to pick it up when it comes out tomorrow, 07/25!

About the Book

Title: First We Were IV

Author: Alexandra Sirowy

Release Date: July 25, 2017

Pages: 448

Publisher: Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers

Buy Links: 

Amazon | Barnes & Noble | Book Depository

A group of friends start a secret society in this out-of-control thriller from the author of The Telling and The Creeping that examines the all-consuming love of lifelong friendship—and what someone is capable of when they’re afraid of losing it.

Izzie loves nothing more than her three best friends, Viv, Graham, and Harry, and the bond the four of them share. And she’s terrified of their friendship falling apart next year when they go off to college. To bind them together, she decides to create that will belong only to them, a special thing that they’ll always share between the four of them. And so they dream up the Order of IV, a secret society devoted to mischief that rights wrongs and pays back debts. At first, it works like a charm—but when the Order of IV’s escapades get recognition beyond their wildest expectations, other people start wanting in. And soon, what started as a game of friendship is spiraling into something dangerous and beyond their control—and before it’s over, they’ll pay the ultimate sacrifice.

Guest Post – Revenge is the Thing

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FIRST WE WERE IV is about four best friends – Izzie, Viv, Harry, and Graham – who invent a secret society and use it to play pranks on their coastal town. After their first take-down –  a pervy high school VP – they realize that the Order of IV can be an invisible hand for justice. Their secret society’s next target: the mayor and police who allowed the murder of a female teenage runaway go unsolved. Five years ago, it was Izzie and Viv who found her body, mysteriously staged in Viv’s family apple orchard. The discovery left a lasting impression on the four friends. Before it, they were carefree adventures and after, they understood that even their perfect town had monsters.

Fast forward to their senior year of high school and the invention of the Order of IV. The friends become a tempest of pranks and vigilantism, justice quickly taking a backseat to revenge. And as secrets unravel and others want into the Order, events spiral out of control, ultimately costing one of the four friends their life.

Give me a book with a revenge plot or subplot any day. I particularly love tales of teenagers rising-up and getting even, whether it’s with authority, bullies, or a broken world. Here’s a short list of my favorite revenge-y books and descriptions from their publishers.

A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas

Feyre has returned to the Spring Court, determined to gather information on Tamlin’s maneuverings and the invading king threatening to bring Prythian to its knees. But to do so she must play a deadly game of deceit—and one slip may spell doom not only for Feyre, but for her world as well. As war bears down upon them all, Feyre must decide who to trust amongst the dazzling and lethal High Lords—and hunt for allies in unexpected places.

Burn for Burn (Burn for Burn #1) by Jenny Han and Siobhan Vivian

Postcard-perfect Jar Island is home to charming tourist shops, pristine beaches, amazing oceanfront homes-and three girls secrets plotting revenge. KAT is sick and tired of being bullied by her former best friend. LILLIA has always looked out for her little sister, so when she discovers that one of her guy friends has been secretly hooking up with her, she’s going to put a stop to it. MARY is perpetually haunted by a traumatic event from years past, and the boy who’s responsible has yet to get what’s coming to him. None of the girls can act on their revenge fantasies alone without being suspected. But together…anything is possible.

I Am Her Revenge by Meredith Moore

She can be anyone you want her to be. Vivian was raised with one purpose in life: to exact revenge on behalf of her mother. Manipulative and cruel, Mother has deprived Vivian not only of a childhood, but of an original identity. With an endless arsenal of enticing personalities at her disposal, Vivian is a veritable weapon of deception. And she can destroy anyone. When it’s time to strike, she enrolls in a boarding school on the English moors, where she will zero in on her target: sweet and innocent Ben, the son of the man who broke Mother’s heart twenty years ago. With every secret she uncovers, Vivian comes one step closer to learning who she really is. But the more she learns about herself, the more dangerous this cat and mouse game becomes. Because Mother will stop at nothing to make sure the truth dies with her.

Gemina (The Illuminae Files #2) by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

Hanna is the station captain’s pampered daughter; Nik the reluctant member of a notorious crime family. But while the pair are struggling with the realities of life aboard the galaxy’s most boring space station, little do they know that Kady Grant and the Hypatia are headed right toward Heimdall, carrying news of the Kerenza invasion.

When an elite BeiTech strike team invades the station, Hanna and Nik are thrown together to defend their home. But alien predators are picking off the station residents one by one, and a malfunction in the station’s wormhole means the space-time continuum might be ripped in two before dinner. Soon Hanna and Nik aren’t just fighting for their own survival; the fate of everyone on the Hypatia—and possibly the known universe—is in their hands. But relax. They’ve totally got this. They hope.

What are your favorite revenge stories?

My Review

This is the first book of Sirowy’s that I’ve read, and it will definitely not be the last! This book leads off with a hint of one mystery and then quickly sweeps readers into yet another one. Watching Sirowy weave the two stories together into one seamless plot was fascinating. There’s also some incredible elements of horror sprinkled throughout that absolutely gave me the chills and kept me absolutely glued to these pages.

There’s a fantastic secret society element in this book, which is always captivating. What I love about this secret society though, is that it happens to be a society run by teenagers, who effectively call out the adult citizens of their small town on their corruption and a dark secret hidden in the town’s history.

The characters were very well-developed. Each member of the Order has their own individual personality and quirks, and the way they all interact with one another is authentic and wildly entertaining. This is one of those books that you’re sad to see come to an end, because you don’t want to say goodbye to the characters just yet.

I adore a mystery/thriller set in a small town. The idea that people you think you know everything about are capable of treacherous acts is truly terrifying and definitely increases the suspense in this novel.

The ending of this book is breathtaking and will absolutely take readers by surprise. This is one summer thriller that simply isn’t to be missed.

About the Author

Alexandra Sirowy is the author of the young adult thrillers THE CREEPING, the Bram Stoker Award® Nominated THE TELLING, and the upcoming FIRST WE WERE IV. Alexandra attended a women’s college as an undergrad and received her graduate degree in International Studies. When she isn’t writing, she loves to travel, read, eat, and get into mischief. She lives with her husband in Northern California.

Enter the Giveaway!

1 signed hard cover copy of FIRST WE WERE IV

Fujuifilm instax mini 9 Polaroid camera in smoky white (& film) like the one in the book!

Strand of gold stars

FIRST WE WERE IV swag (temporary tattoos & bookmarks)

Evie Seo Designed Tote Bags

*US entires only. No purchase necessary to enter, giveaway items provided by Alexandra Sirowy.*

Follow the Blog Tour

Thank you so much to the phenomenal Brittany from Brittany’s Book Rambles for hosting this tour! Be sure to check out her blog!

Week 1

July 10:  Bookish Lifestyles – Review + Tote Design July 11:  Brittany’s Book Rambles – Guest Post July 12:  Emily Reads Everything – Review July 13   Biscotto’s Books – Moodboard July 14:  Forever Lost in Literature – Review

Week 2

July 17:  My Friends Are Fiction – Guest Post July 18:  Literary Legionnaire – Review July 19:  The Reader and the Chef – Review July 20:  Novel Novice – Guest Post July 21:  Dark Faerie Tales – Interview

Week 3

July 24:  YA and Wine – Review + Guest Post July 25:  YA Book Central – Spotlight July 26:  Tales of the Ravenous Reader – Review July 27:  A Perfection Called Books – Guest Post

Will you be reading First We Were IV when it comes out tomorrow? What is your favorite revenge novel that you’ve read?

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Revenge is the Thing: Guest Post by FIRST WE WERE IV Author Alexandra Sirowy Hello, everyone! I'm so excited that it's First We Were IV release week and even more excited to have the wonderful author Alexandra Sirowy here on the blog today!