#This is me and persuasion 95 all over again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

chaneajoyyy · 5 years ago

Note

Hey girl! How are you. Would you please be able to provide a list of M’Baku fics? Or maybe link to one you’ve already done? Thank you so much!

M’BAKU FICS (UPDATED)

- all fics and headcanons- @plussizeappreciationfics (search m’baku x reader)

- just for tonight series, crown royal on ice, two left feet- @ghostfacekill-monger

- warm colors series- @mermaidchansons (search m’baku x reader)

- just the way you are series (included), making changes, they don’t know (you’re one in a million) series- @iliketowrite1996

- crop series, boxer!baku series, long live the chief series, bluff, in full bloom series, into the grey series, snow day, blood in the snow series, cities on the horizon series (continuation of blood in the snow), all things better with time series, peaches in a plastic cup series, echos and wind series, the arriva series, the smoke series, it just reminded me of you that’s all, defending her honor, i need your shirt for reasons, i love you you know?, math was never my strongsuit, love in the time of neo-soul, come away with me, at the end of the day, heart eyes under pictures, ember, sweet georgia brown, under a starlit sky, reflection, jabari engagement, ships in the night, pickles and peanut butter, just like honey, fear of falling, what i wanted for christmas, careless whisper, rope, snow day, countdown, thigh ride, house hunters: jabari edition, drunk m/baku, halloween, jicho and the glasses, the three hundred, poem series- @muse-of-mbaku

-healing gardens series, it’s complicated series, extra credit series, just business series, coming home series (with what’s for dessert?), warrior spirit, diplomatic affairs, fading away, gemini rising: birthday edition, @jellybean531

- untitled series, close to heaven (starbound) series, love is a losing game, loving you is poison, this house we live in series (with yours and yours alone), it’s cold- @katasstrophey

- baby stay, beautiful form series, are you cold?- @avenging-fics

- some weeks are better than others series, play though? series, moronic jealousy, risky dreams, world’s best baba, santa cant bring me what i need (included), wakanda got yall (included), fictober 24 series (you know this, you this to be true), people like you have no imagination, but i will never forget, try harder next time, i know how you love to play games, you know this you know this to be true-, i’ve waited so long for this- @eerythingisshaka

- fever series, work for me series, m’baku smitten by your presence- @mbakusthrone

- shopping series- @mbakusprincess

- where i belong series- @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan

- all fics- @supersizemeplz

- black panther trinity parent drabbles (included), her first steps, m’baku’s reaction to sick!reader being clingy, m’baku headcanons, hc: m’baku falling for a girl who is almost too busy with books to really notice his flirting attempts, tiny warrior, how do you think m’baku would feel towards his s/o visiting other countries, to provide, m’baku wants another child, how m’bkau and his s/o would roast each other, hc: giving birth to multiple sets of boys (is twins, triplets, quadruplets) for m’baku, m’baku’s reaction to being called thick daddy in front of him, hc: having a baby girl with m’baku, shea butter, m’baku x tall chubby reader, hc: what it’s like to be married to m’baku- @black-mcu-imagines (scroll for m’baku x reader)

- bali, indonesia; not gon cry series, yearning for m’baku, metting m’baku, bruised and breathless, baby it’s yours, teasing m’baku- @babygirlofwakanda / @brwnsugababe

-big chop, still in love- @theficplug (still in love) - (scroll down for m’baku)/ @maleficentcheekbones

- her mountain of bliss series- @aloevverified

- brown skin, oh angel, forever mine, best baba ever, the heat of trinidad series- @artisticestheticreads

- blood demon-@hearteyes-for-killmonger

- give it to me, mr. stamina, tradition series, truth or dare series, the garden, princess, 2 hours, would you rather?, i’m right here- @sonofnjobu

- all imagines- @mcusocialimagines

- he spills (included)- @captainsaveasmut

- all moodboards- @babybluepeaches

- no, you can’t take a break; scraped m’baku headcanon, m’baku titty worship headcanon, the prince series, wakandan boys foot fetish (included), is this love? series (included), v.i.p., you owe her an apology- @madamslayyy

-crawl into your sleep series (m’baku x muse), angel in disguise series (included), umdlalo series- @terrablaze514

- all fics, drabbles and hc’s- @laketaj24

- ikiumkani wam, river goddess, young god, ngelosi, sugar & spice series, chokola- @pocmarvelworks

- prove it series (included-stupid cupid)- @wawakanda-btch

- best mistake, hennessey series, m’baku’s wife: countdown, m’baku’s wife: flowers in the hallway, m’baku’s father daughter dance-hc, m’baku’s wife’s big chop, m’baku: best mistake, m’baku’s wife: gold- @imagine-mbaku

- m’baku nsfw headcanons, make you feel my love, daddy m’baku & your daughter vs you, m’baku gets to know you- @loganzhowletts (search m’baku x reader)

-to be lost- @marvellovegalore

- turtleneck, a punishing tease series- @hidden-treasures21

-all fics, blurbs, headcanons @brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers (scrooll for m’baku x reader)

- first time, birthday request, thank you next, truth or dare (included), karaoke night series, party time, issa fake plant, i missed you- @iwannalearnhowtoship

- pancakes, heart of ice, visiting hours (included), pancakes- @bakarilennox

-chanllenge day: the aftermath- @taterjoseph (scroll for blackpantherimagine)

- missed you, lucky i love you, clumsy series, when you listen- @i-jus-wanna-writehappy

- gaining favor- @littlemessyjessi

- made in sunshine series, t’challa brings m’baku on a diplomatic whatever, caramels- @lesqui

-snowfall series, the chosen one series, a new way, the beginning, say yes series, a seat on the throne- @devnicolee

- welcome to the jabari series, the chose bride series, polygamy series- @snowbaku

- hair day- @sisterwifeudaku

- bookworm imagines (included), you are beautiful series (included), hair folicles series (included), beads of temptation series (included), for the good of the jabari people series, without your approval series, the weight of series, wakandan boys as a kpop group (included), wakandan supernatural aus/imagines (inlcuded), wakanda as warewolves imagines (included), your best nightmare series (inlcuded), moodboards (wakanda as 80′s movie the lost boys, wakanda as 90′s movie the crow (included), willing heart- @youreallyshouldtalkmore (check masterlist)

- imagine being nakia’s sister and catching m’baku’s interest series- @thekrazykeke

- 4 series- @tgigoldie

- cabin in the snow series, fated instinct series, price, whipped cream a la m’baku- @greennightspider

-ife wa gbona- @blackmarvelfics

- the princess and i series- @thirst4fictionalmen

- jabari illness- @thatonefanficalien

- newcomer in te tribe, please stop making me fall in love with you!- @thepaperpanda

- all m’baku fics- @wakandanblogger (scroll for black panther x reader, m’baku x reader, black panther series, black pantherm’baku, black panther one shot, masterlist)

- our love in color series and its one shot no interruptions, what would you have me do? series, another heir, forget his name, full body, satisfied, a well deserved rest, have it your way series- @wakandan-flowerz

- having children with m’baku, m’baku in a relationship- @haechvn (search black panther x reader)

- hot springs series (with stay and family)- @brvcebanter (on masterlist and search m’baku x reader for family)

- formalities, m’baku as your husband headcanons- @gaytonystark

- m’baku drabble/imagine #1- @lady-olive-oil (under winston duke baelist)

- imagine: m’baku, your new boyfriend, promising t’challa, you best friend, that he’l treat you right; imagine: m’baku trying to be casual about inviting you to stay with his people for a while, imagine: being an ambassador between the royals and the jabari tribe and everyone knows you and m’baku have a thing for each other, with bets on how long it will take for one of you to say something; dating m’baku would include- @obscure-imagines (search m’baku imagine or scroll for obscure-imagines and hit m’baku imagine for more mbaku imagines)

- dating m’baku headcanons- @starryeyedmillennial (hit the first m’baku tag in search bar)

- being an outsider and falling for m’baku would include- @black-panther-imagines (scroll for m’baku)

- persuasion- @angelofmusic36

- the line- @im5ftbutmythroat66

- untitled m’baku drabble- @itsjustyazz (scroll for black panther fanfiction)

- hennessey homies (included), soft series- @hoopshoney (scroll for black panther fanfiction)

- still beautiful- @blackreaderstation (scroll for my writing)

- again- @persephones24

- golden series- @the-stories-in-my-head-95

- pretty brown eyes, american!reader meeting m’baku would be like… series (with american!reader meeting m’baku would be like… part2 and date night)- @icycheri (click on mbaku x reader)

- moodboard imagines: m’baku marries a western woman, m’baku’s wife is from the river tribe; m’baku and your daughter, the princess- @wakandascrystal

- m’baku teasing you on how shy and clumsy you actually are inlcude, m’baku and t’challa fighting over you would include, having a child with m’baku would include, losing your virginity to m’baku would include, m’baku finding out about your size king would inlcude- @underratedcharactersimagines (search mbaku)

- the argument- @pantherxrogers

- to tame the wild, black panther greek life (included) @sweettea-and-honeybutter (scroll for masterlist)

-never enough)- @hogwarts–imagines

- beneath your beautiful- @ashanti-notthesinger

- sweet thang series-, the best part, bow to me- @wakandamama

- even as a shadow (even as a dream)- @sugardaddytonystark

- thick reader losing her virgininty to m’baku, a beautiful family- @wonderthor

- just my imagination- @kittenwritesstuff (search mbaku x reader)

- m’baku fluff alphabet- @ourhappylies

- the gorilla and his children- @non-stop-imagines

-show me who you are series- @fanficsj (scroll for m’baku x reader)

- those left behind- @thepokyone

- the dark, the night, the dawn’s light, the deep fall,and the cold- @master-sass-blast

- m’baku x reader, i like the original- @master-of-junk

- punishment series- @ljb-novels

- will you stay- @justsomewritingsandshit

- my ocean and your mountains series- @mo-anz

- proud- @akamaiden

- protector of her heart series- @fictioninmyblood

- laughter series (with: joy)- @imagines-plus

- a cause for celebration- @melonshino-writes

- and i you, my love; hands, his girl, untitled, you are mine- @marvelmaree

***IF I FORGOT ANYONE/YOU WANT ME TO ADD YOU, HIT ME UP!!!***

#the bp plug #bp librarian at your service #let's chat #sip tea #talk fanfiction #m'baku fanfiction #black panther fanfiction

150 notes · View notes

itsclydebitches · 4 years ago

Link

Twiins iink knocks it out of the park, once again. Would love to hear your thoughts on this, Clyde.

***

Great vid! I’ve watched a couple of Twiins’ other vids and have enjoyed the majority of what I’ve seen. Major differences of opinion seem to be whether Blake and Yang need to have any sort of confirmation of their relationship on screen (lines like “Yang just gets a girlfriend,” while accurate in regards to how a relationship with Blake is overshadowing Yang’s development, nevertheless don’t sit right with me due to issues like queer baiting and creators using subtext as a crutch. Yang hasn’t gotten a “girlfriend” because that term, or any equivalent, is never used on screen. I think there’s a very important conversation to be had about how we provide representation for ace/aro fans without likewise claiming that “obvious” coding is enough for representation), as well as whether Ironwood’s development was persuasive and consistent for his character. I agree wholeheartedly that Ironwood has the most depth this volume, though not that this depth logically led to shooting Oscar and becoming an antihero. When discussing him Twinns usually simplifies the situation with lines like “Ironwood thinks he’s doing the right thing,” with the implication being that it’s obviously not the right thing. I’ve written who knows how much on the complexity of that situation and thus don’t think it functions as good evidence for Ironwood’s downfall. “Ironwood is bad because he made this decision” relies on agreeing that the decision itself is bad… which I don’t.

So there are moments where strong opinions are voiced where I go, “Eh, I’ve got different opinions there.” 95% though? Agree. Most importantly, I agree with the vid’s actual focus: breaking down how our presumed protagonists do not grow (I’ve said that before!) and do not forward the plot of the show. Or rather, I’d slightly revise Twinns’ argument to say that they do forward the plot… and then inexplicably pull back from it. I think a perfect example of that is Ruby lying to Ironwood. That was an active decision that a protagonist would make and it had a HUGE impact on the story… or at least it would have if Oscar hadn’t taken on the role of coming clean, Ironwood didn’t shrug off their lies/secrets, and this knowledge was integrated into the ethics of the leaving Mantle plan. That is, knowing of Salem’s immortality should be driving everyone’s choices (not just Ironwood’s) and the show should be acknowledging that. My complaint of “Team RWBY doesn’t have a good reason for facing down Salem and risking everyone's’ lives” and Twinn’s complaint of “Team RWBY barely have personalities and hardly grow” are interconnected. If you write protagonists that do things and think things (Ruby trains her silver eyes and thus has a way to maybe beat Salem, Ruby insists on fighting Salem because she wants revenge for her mom but the show makes it clear this is a foolish decision born of grief, etc.) you create well-developed protagonists AND explain to the viewer why we should support the “Stay good, leave bad” plan. Oh look, Ruby actually has a chance at winning this fight. Oh look, Ruby is delusional with grief and is presented as wrong for once, necessitating growth. You get disconnects like “Staying is supposedly heroic even though it’s presented as a suicide mission” in part because our protagonists do nothing (like train silver eyes) and have no consistent growth (Ruby just gets up after sobbing over Summer). Write your protagonists as the protagonists and you fix a lot of the moments where I go, “…Why am I rooting for them again?”

So RWBY kind of let’s our protagonists be a part of the plot a little and then has them get involved with unimportant things, or contradicts what they established before, or has someone else solve the problem. Like the Tyrian fight that Twinns brings up. She uses it as an example of how Qrow comes in to do most of the work, but the additional observation there is that it takes away from the active participation Ruby already had. Ruby chooses to leave home on her own. Ruby gets attacked… then Qrow fixes things. Ruby again chooses to attack against Qrow’s orders, there’s a massive consequence for that in the form of him nearly dying… but Ruby learns nothing from this. She stalls every time she gets close to entering a place where she might either a) impact the world in any significant manner or b) grow as an individual from these experiences.

So I quite enjoyed the vid’s takeaway and if you’d like a breakdown of how RWBY isn’t fulfilling the role of protagonists, this is a good place to start. Overall Twinns seems to have a higher opinion of Volume 7 than I do so there are moments where our interpretation of the material diverges, as do our thoughts on how to improve it (or whether it needs improvement at all). But we definitely agree regarding these larger issues of “There are so many characters” and “Our heroes aren’t doing anything” and “Do I actually care about the title characters anymore?”

#rwby #rwde #mymetas #submission

32 notes · View notes

thebluelemontree · 6 years ago

Note

Hi, this is lyastark (i changed blogs), you responded to my ask here: /post/175700394682/. i wanted to say that i loved your meta! i was thinking more of their relationship in the purpose of the story. for me, no one knowing about this interaction has to serve some plot purpose. b/c of this, i think that sandor is going to be the one to tell her about LF shitty behavior towards her. her relationship with him is the ONLY one that LF doesn't know about. we know he doesn't b/c he NEVER mentions (1)

sandor to sansa. he was quick to dismiss tyrion, loras, wilas, margaery, etc but he said nothing about sandor. i also believe that sansa has gotten to the point where there’s no one “new” she has met that she would 100% trust with something this big. sandor is someone she explicitly trusts not to lie to her, and is someone she associates with safety and her old life. he’s her hidden dagger, if you will

Hey, glad you liked it.

Yeah, I’m in agreement that Sandor will be crucial to Sansa reclaiming her identity in a few ways, and it will pay off that their relationship has flown under the radar for all this time. While Jeyne Poole is also an alternate possibility or an addition to that, I think Jeyne is on course to meet with (perhaps travel with) Arya first. It may take all of TWOW, maybe to the beginning to ADOS, for Arya and Sansa to reconnect. One thing I’m reasonably sure of is that things will start happening pretty quickly in TWOW for wrapping up Sansa’s training arc. With only two books left, it’s time to start moving all the remaining characters into the final act.

I’m just going to put the rest under the cut. This isn’t so much a coherent meta, but me just riffing because I have a lot of feelings about this topic XD

Littlefinger was only a mask he had to wear. Only sometimes Sansa found it hard to tell where the man ended and the mask began. Littlefinger and Lord Petyr looked so very much alike. She would have fled them both, perhaps, but there was nowhere for her to go. Winterfell was burned and desolate, Bran and Rickon dead and cold. Robb had been betrayed and murdered at the Twins, along with their lady mother. Tyrion had been put to death for killing Joffrey, and if she ever returned to King’s Landing the queen would have her head as well. The aunt she’d hoped would keep her safe had tried to murder her instead. Her uncle Edmure was a captive of the Freys, while her great-uncle the Blackfish was under siege at Riverrun. I have no place but here, Sansa thought miserably, and no true friend but Petyr. – Sansa I, AFFC.

“She would have fled them both…” if she had another option available to her. If she had another friend nearby, but in her mind, she doesn’t.

For Sansa’s training arc to end, her sense of isolation and dependence on Littlefinger have to be overpowered. It is a psychological obstacle as much as it is a physical one. Sansa has seen Littlefinger literally get away with murder and come out in a stronger position than he was before. He seems to always be a step ahead of his enemies. He has already bribed and extorted his way to power among the Vale lords. He’s iced Yohn Royce out of political influence. He’s planted seeds of doubt in Sansa toward Myranda Royce before she even met her. (On a side note, Myranda does know Sansa’s real identity, but has never confronted her about it and nor has she used that information against her). So LF’s locked down all the potential allies or troublemakers that he can see. But we know there are things he can’t see, like the possibility of Sansa winning Lothor Brune’s loyalty from him. Nor does he seem to be aware of Lyn Corbray’s seething resentment over being ousted as his brother’s heir thanks to Littlefinger’s marriage brokering. Not to mention he’s hired a bunch of hedge knights for his household guard not suspecting for a moment that they are there to steal Sansa from him. Littlefinger’s hubris has made him blind to things that are right in his own backyard.

While I’m 95% sure Sandor will be at the center of Sansa reclaiming her identity, I definitely don’t think he will be her only trusted ally or source of support before it’s over. That comes from Sansa herself in doing what she does best: being kind and empathetic to win people over. I see her cultivating her own little band of helpers to escape rather than (as some speculations suggest) Sansa simply name-dropping at the tourney and all the Vale lords instantly pledging their swords to her as their new regent/leader/whatever. That makes for a dramatic turn of events but is also pretty unrealistic as I see it. I think she will eventually be in a position to receive Yohn Royce’s military support, but I strongly disagree that it’s going to be as easy as name-dropping. Littlefinger has too much backing of his leadership right now. The Vale lords at the tourney are already on board that gravy train of gifts, gold, and glory. He has custody of Robert Arryn. No one really gives a shit about Lysa’s murder and everyone is looking toward the future with the more robust young falcon, Harrold Hardyng. IMO, Sansa needs to get with Yohn Royce before the rest of the Vale falls in line. He’s against the ropes right now (and being kept far from the tourney for a good reason I think), but he is the one that is most likely to wrest back political power from Littlefinger once Sansa is no longer his pawn. Then she would have powerful backing of her own. The trick is getting her to Yohn Royce and for that, she needs a persuasive reason and the confidence to flee from LF.

Where Sansa is in the story right now, I think she already possesses most of the individual puzzle pieces to what Littlefinger has done. She just hasn’t been able to bring herself to put all those pieces together into one complete, horrifying picture. There’s a lot of trauma and suppression of painful thoughts wrapped up in the things she’s seen and experienced. Things part of being Sansa Stark that will shatter the tenuous safety she finds in being Alayne Stone. She knows on one level that Littlefinger did something with Jeyne. She’s buried that memory and thinks about Jeyne only in more innocent times. She hasn’t dared to ask probably for fear of the answer and for fear of the repercussions from asking. And there’s the fact that she’s trapped with her abuser, who has muddled help and safety with exploitation and pushing her moral boundaries. She’s under a lot of pressure to marry HtH, which has been framed as her best and only chance to go home, even if it comes at Robert Arryn’s expense. All she has to do is let go of her empathy and see people as objects she can use to further her interests, and then she can not only feel safe but powerful and untouchable as well. No one will ever hurt her again. Littlefinger’s philosophy is terrifying, but there are parts of it that are very seductive to someone who has been made to feel powerless, stupid, and vulnerable. In a way, Sansa is being tempted with adopting a cynical worldview similar to what the Hound was for Sandor. Narratively speaking, what better person to bring her back from the edge of losing her humanity than by the person she inspired to reclaim his own? Sandor and Sansa have been saving each other all throughout their story. The first moment they met was defined by Sansa looking Ilyn Payne, the persona of death, in the face and falling backward into Sandor’s hands (ugh, my heart!). Many times he just seems to appear out of nowhere to catch her. So yeah, Sandor as a “hidden dagger” works really well not only for literally saving her life, but saving Sansa Stark’s identity and her core values. But that also comes with unpacking a lot of unpleasant things.

The missing piece of the puzzle and the one thing that will be the final straw should be learning that her father’s arrest and execution was orchestrated by Littlefinger. Sandor was a present for all that. He’s the best person to tell her, and yes, she would believe him. That forces Sansa to start looking at all puzzle pieces she has avoided putting together. Turning against LF will not just be a triumphant moment, but it’s probably going to be ugly and painful. Sansa has a lot of suppressed guilt and shame over what LF has made her complicit in. While she was never a willing participant and shifting responsibility on to her was a key feature of LF’s abuse strategy, Sansa has played a role to some degree in the cover-ups of LF’s crimes. Some people think the unkiss is a symptom of PTSD. Nope. This situation right here puts Sansa at risk for PTSD. It will be shattering to know she ever called Petyr a friend, trusted him, and sometimes helped him while he did awful things. There’s your dark night of the soul that a few people reasonably predict for each of our major POVs in TWOW, especially if an innocent like Robert Arryn dies (I’m 50/50 on that). She’ll need someone who can relate (think of Sandor’s dying anguished confessions of his sins), someone who won’t judge, and someone that can help guide her back to being Sansa Stark because right now, that identity comes with a lot of traumatic baggage. Just as being Sandor Clegane did. (UGH, MY HEART!)

I could go on about how similar both Petyr and Sandor��s backgrounds and origins are, how cynism plays into their world views, and the divergent paths they took. They don’t have to speak of each other or share a scene together, but they have always been opposing philosophical forces with Sansa between them. One embodying sweet lies and the other blunt honesty. But I think the most telling passage about these three is in Eddard VII:

Sansa said, "I knew the Hound would win."

Littlefinger overheard. "If you know who's going to win the second match, speak up now before Lord Renly plucks me clean," he called to her. Ned smiled.

Littlefinger bet against Sandor and lost. Daddy approved.

#ianxmickey #sansan meta #sansa stark #sandor clegane #littlefinger #petyr baelish #bluelemons speculates #twow speculation #sorta meta?#does emotional vomiting count as meta?

51 notes · View notes

joannalannister · 7 years ago

Text

@kahlanhbic submitted:

Do you think if Joanna would have lived and been around to raise Cersei properly do you think Cersei would have turned out any different?

Probably.

MISOGYNY

The Cersei we know in the books is very misogynistic. Part of that is Westerosi culture, part is the influence of Tywin and his own violent aggression against various women, and part is Cersei’s own self-loathing, but I think another part – a big part – is her mother dying. I think when Cersei was a very young child, her parents seemed as constant as the stars, “eternal as Casterly Rock.” Joanna perhaps even more so than Tywin, because Tywin was “often away” in King’s Landing. Think what they must have looked like to tiny Cersei. Beautiful, tall, powerful, towering over her like gods. (“Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.” –Thackeray)

(It is my headcanon that the ancient golden statues of the Seven in the small sept at Casterly Rock have a very Lannister “look” and when bb!Cersei prayed to the Mother, she prayed to her own mother, because they were one and the same to her, even with her mother right beside her.)

But then Joanna died, and I think that profoundly influenced how Cersei views women. To Cersei, the female body is something weak and soft and, above all, fallible. (To be fair, the incidents that would make Cersei hate her body started before Joanna died, but I think Joanna’s death cemented Cersei’s misogyny and self-hatred.) Women are weak, according to Cersei. They are “Vapid, weepy creatures, always telling tales,” treacherous, never to be trusted. (Since she was ten, Cersei has never trusted “anyone but Jaime”.)

(EDIT to add: Contrast Tywin’s body in AGOT -- “hard as a man of twenty” -- with Cersei’s body in ADWD. Men’s (able) bodies are the long-lasting, celebrated ideal, while women’s bodies are a source of shame, a source of betrayal.)

Cersei also has this idea that she’s playing a zero-sum game; if another woman gains, Cersei loses, in her mind. For example, Margaery being queen diminishes Cersei’s own queenly status. Even before Cersei visited the maegi and heard the YMBQ prophecy, Cersei has feared that other women would take from her. They would take Jaime, they would take Rhaegar, they would take her position. Other women would take and take and take, she feared. (It’s what makes her so jealous and afraid of Sansa, Margaery, soon perhaps Arianne. Even the ghost of the “wolf girl” Lyanna haunts her.)

If Joanna had lived, I don’t think Cersei would have quite as terrible views on women. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Joanna being alive would be wash away all of Cersei’s misogyny, Westeros being Westeros. I think Joanna absolutely loathed women like Ellyn Tarbeck and Tytos’s mistresses, and I don’t think she would have liked Tysha at all. So there would have still been a lot of negativity toward women. But with Joanna alive, I think Cersei would have seen some female positivity to counterbalance all this negativity.

(In the text, we see some glimpses of Cersei’s relationship with Genna, but – and this is just my headcanon! because grrm doesn’t delve into female relationships!!! including this one!!!! – I don’t feel like Cersei had the same close relationship with Genna that she might have had with her mother.)

***

Tangent:

Sure, Genna prepped Cersei for the tourney (likely at Tywin’s wishes, because Tywin can’t very well do that himself, can he) and afterwards Genna promised that Tywin would find someone better for Cersei (because Genna has massive faith in Tywin and was extremely loyal to him), and then when Tywin sent a raven that Cersei should come to court, Genna, in Tywin’s absence, explained to her distraught teenage niece what was going on and prepped her for it. So idk, the things Genna did with Cersei always seemed to me like … idk, like Genna was being a female!Kevan, acting on Tywin’s behalf, out of loyalty to Tywin. So these three instances, to me, seemed more about Tywin & Genna, and how they operated together (or apart, as the case may be), rather than them being about Genna & Cersei. I think maybe a lot of people disagree with me here … but I imagine these like … ~Tywin goes up to Genna, like, “I don’t know how to parent or show emotions, and women/girls are … you know … so please go do something with my daughter. Brush her hair or. Something.” and Genna’s like, “Anything for you, Tywin!”~ Like, she’s trying to help cover for Tywin’s massive failings as a parent, because she’s Tywin’s sister and House Lannister is ride or die. I had a similar headcanon about Gerion playing with Jaime, because Tywin never knew how to play.

***

… where was I … female positivity to counterbalance all the negativity … I think Joanna had many positive relationships with various ladies at Casterly Rock. She was obviously good friends with the Unnamed Princess of Dorne. I think Joanna and Genna were good friends. So I don’t think Cersei would have felt quite so hateful toward other women, and toward herself, if she’d had Joanna there to be a positive female role model.

(However, I imagine Joanna had various problems herself, but I think she would hide those problems from Cersei as best she could, so let’s set those aside for now. I feel like everyone thinks I’m weird when I suggest that Joanna had her own problems, but idk how anyone can think living with Tywin was easy. For anyone. House Lannister is where life goes to be twisted in darkness; just ask that strange weirwood, “choking out all other growth”.)

RELATIONSHIP WITH JAIME

I don’t think Cersei’s relationship with Jaime would have been allowed to continue, had Joanna survived. I still think that Joanna and Tywin both intended that Cersei marry Rhaegar, given that that plan was set in motion before Joanna died. I think it was wishful thinking on the part of the Unnamed Princess of Dorne that Cersei/Oberyn would happen, and I don’t think it was ever going to go through, but I do think that the betrothal of Jaime to Princess Elia would have gone through. (See: #jaime x elia)

This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I think it could go either way in terms of which child leaves CR after Tyrion is born. If Joanna is very persuasive, Jaime gets fostered in Sunspear with the Martells. Crakehall, otherwise, just sooner than in the OTL.

But I think there’s an interesting alternative to fostering Jaime, one that would separate the twins without Joanna angering Tywin. When Joanna is well enough to travel, I think she and Cersei could spend the rest of the winter in Sunspear. Joanna and the Unnamed Princess were BFFs, after all, and it’s important for Joanna to keep a close eye on Cersei, to prepare her to be a queen. Not a formal fostering in Sunspear, because I honestly think Tywin is too much of a dick, but, like, an extended vacation in the sunshine.

(Wow I think I just solved one problem in my fanfic, thinking about it while typing this out. Cool.)

And with Elia already taken, I don’t think Aerys can find a wife for Rhaegar, which opens up all sorts of possibilities, but I’m not too interested in most of those. If … something … happens to Aerys, I think Cersei/Rhaegar is a strong possibility in this AU.

Anyways, I don’t think Jaime/Cersei is quite as much of a thing in this AU. Still possible, but less likely. I don’t think Jaime or Cersei need it to be as much of a thing in this AU.

I think one of the reasons Jaime and Cersei turned to each other in canon – aside from Tywin’s belief in Lannister superiority – is that they were emotionally starving after Joanna’s death, and they sought comfort in each other. (This almost makes me think of the twincest as, like, emotional cannibalism. Hmmm. Gonna think more on that one.) With Tywin turning in on himself, Jaime and Cersei are left to grieve all alone, trying to navigate this massive trauma all by themselves, which I kinda think pushed them into each other’s arms.

But if Joanna survives, Jaime and Cersei not only don’t have to deal with this trauma, they also have a mother to love them and show them affection.

And the Tywin in this AU isn’t quite the man we know; if Tywin’s 100% cyborg in canon, maybe in this Joanna Lives AU he’s only 95% cyborg, so that’s 5% more fatherly affection than the twins saw in canon. Has to be statistically significant, right? With Joanna alive, Tywin is probably more willing to show emotion, more willing to at least try to be human.

So I don’t think Jaime and Cersei are as emotionally dependent on each other in this AU. Which means I don’t think Jaime and Cersei first have sex at about 13. (That time in King’s Landing when Jaime decided he didn’t need Casterly Rock was probably not the first time Jaime and Cersei had sex in the OTL.) Whether they have sex later in life is an interesting question to me, but that’s getting into too many variables, so I’ll leave that off.

So yeah, I think the twincest is less likely. Not impossible, because there’s a lot of underlying Lannister ideology motivating the twincest, but less likely than in the OTL. The outcome of the Rebellion is a big question here, and that’s going to affect twincest, but again, too many variables that aren’t very interesting to me.

CERSEI AND EMOTIONS

I think being raised with Tywin’s ideology fucks a person up no matter what, so I think Cersei still has some issues, regardless of whether Joanna lives or dies.

For example, shortly after Joanna died, Tywin made this pronouncement in Cersei’s hearing: “You cannot eat love, nor buy a horse with it, nor warm your halls on a cold night" (AFFC). Tywin’s fascist masculinity has no place for love; it was a weakness in him that made him smile and even laugh, “not once, but upon three separate occasions!” So, after Joanna died, Tywin recognized this weakness in himself and crushed it as mercilessly as Castamere, until there was “naught but stone at the heart of Casterly Rock.” Unlike his father Tytos, Tywin was not one to let his “heart burst” (literally or metaphorically) with any sort of positive emotion.

In the OTL, Cersei internalized all of Tywin’s fucked up views on love, to the point where she calls love a “disease” (ACOK, Sansa IV) and a “poison. A sweet poison, yes, but it will kill you all the same.“ Tywin’s whole worldview that Cersei adopted has fucked Cersei up, it’s completely fucked up her ability to form meaningful connections with other people so that “It had never been any good with anyone but Jaime”. She views her children as extensions of the self, and her relationship with Jaime is narcissistic, “one person in two bodies”. (I love Jaime/Cersei with my entire being, but this ship is deliciously fucked up. Everyone go follow my twincest sideblog.)

Anger is the only emotion fascist masculinity truly allows, so after Joff’s death, after Tywin’s death, we see this barely controlled rage in Cersei, because she doesn’t know how else to react. Anything less than a display of violence is weakness, and weakness ill befits a Lannister. (Even just after Joanna’s death, what we see from Cersei is violence, when she sexually abuses baby!Tyrion.)

Now, how do I want to say this? I don’t think that Joanna was immune to House Lannister’s fascist masculinity culture, but I don’t think Cersei would have been as emotionally fucked up if Joanna had lived. Like, Cersei is still going to be raised thinking that Lannisters are superior human beings, there’s still going to be a significant lack of empathy / compassion, she’s going to be arrogant, privileged, Lannister.

But I don’t think it’s going to be as extreme, like, I don’t think you’re going to get Cersei viewing love as a poison. I think Cersei would be better able to express herself emotionally, in a healthy manner. I also think Cersei would be able to connect with (noble)people better. Basically, slightly better adjusted in society.

Beyond that…

If Joanna lives, in what ways does A/erys continue to harass her to get at Tywin and House Lannister? And how do these things affect Cersei?

What happens in Robert’s Rebellion?

Who does Cersei marry?

What is Jaime and Elia’s relationship like?

What about the prophecy? Does it still exist? Does Cersei still go and hear it? Does she still murder Melara?

Joanna’s death was undoubtedly significant to Cersei’s development, but so many other things – some of which have nothing to do with Joanna – have shaped who Cersei is. We can’t just pin it all down to this one thing in Cersei’s childhood.

Also…

To simplify this scenario, I’ve kind of been assuming here that Joanna doesn’t do anything, um, damaging to Cersei. But what if that’s not the case? I kind of think Tywin was like, “OK, Cersei’s gonna marry Rhaegar. See ya in a few years, Cersei,” while I can imagine Joanna being a lot more, um, helicoptering. “Cersei, you have to do this, you have to do that, stand up straight, sit still, smile, no pressure but the well being of House Lannister depends on this.” I don’t think Cersei would necessarily be damaged the same ways she was in canon, but what about the damage Joanna herself would inflict, even unintentionally?

And what of Joanna herself? No one but @cosmonauthill seems to like my Joanna-Lives-But-Suicide headcanon, even tho House Lannister is overwhelmingly self-destructive in canon. *pouts*

So there’s a lot of factors to think about here.

I don’t know if I’ve addressed everything you wanted me to address because this is such a broad topic, but if there was something specific you had in mind for this AU that I didn’t touch on, just send me an ask! I also have a #joanna lives AU tag, if you want to explore more.

Finally, I will just leave you with this fanfic by lilith-morgana because it is one of my favorites.

#kahlanhbic #joanna lannister #cersei lannister #asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #au questions #joanna lives au #the only au i actually like #i dont think anyone's ever asked me about cersei in a joanna lives au before?? or at least it's not in the tag #this is strange because i thought i have dealt with joanna+cersei au questions?? but apparently not #joanna meta #lannister thoughts #jaime x cersei #genna lannister #jaime x elia #fascist masculinity in asoiaf #replies #submission

212 notes · View notes

snowqueen1974 · 7 years ago

Text

Sick Day

Hello Everyone! I’ve been a bit busy the past week and I haven’t had time to update Broken however I do have a short story ready for you guys though while I write the next part of Broken. So here is a short fic about Sally getting Sick and Lightning being the amazing husband he is takes care of her! Humanized! Enjoy!

I do not own cars or any of the characters in it! Disney Pixar owns them.

Lightning looked across the desk at his wife, her arms were crossed and her head rested on them. The two of them had been enjoying some time together in the office of the Cozy Cone doing paperwork for their businesses when Lightning had noticed that Sally had gone quiet. He reached over and brushed a strand of her soft brown hair out of her face, however when his fingers touched her forehead he took notice of just how hot she felt. “Sal?” he whispered. “Are you feeling okay?” She let out a long sigh and mumbled a few words but Lightning couldn’t understand it. He stood up from his chair and moved to her side. “Sal…. You’re not feeling good huh?” Sally shook her head in response. “C’mon, we can do paper work later.” “But….” Sally tried to argue however Lightning didn’t give his wife the opportunity to, he slipped an arm under her legs and the other behind her back and gently lifted her up.

She leaned up against his torso and rested her head on his chest. He took them back to their house which sits right behind the motel, once inside he made his way up to their bedroom and laid her down on their bed and pulled the covers over her. Lightning felt her forehead again and frowned as it was a slight bit hotter than it was before, he grabbed a face cloth from the bathroom and soaked it in cool water before returning to his wife’s side. Sally sighed when the cool cloth was placed on her forehead “Thanks Stickers…” she mumbled. Lightning grabbed her some pajamas and laid them on the end of the bed for her and then proceeded to leave the room. “I’ll be right back Sal, I’m going to make you some tea and grab some medicine.” Sally nodded in response.

When Lightning returned Sally had changed and was sitting up in bed coughing and sniffling. “Here Sal, take these.” He handed her some cold medicine and set her mug of tea down on the night stand next to her for when she was ready. Lightning had also brought with him a thermometer and a brand-new box of tissues, after his wife had taken her medicine he handed her the thermometer and waited for it to beep that it was done, 103 degrees it read. He put it on the night stand and proceed to change into something comfier as well, once he had changed he crawled into bed next to Sally and leaned back against the head board and motioned for Sally to move closer. “Stickers I don’t want to get you sick…” she said between coughs. “It’s alright Sal I just want you to be comfortable.” Lightning stated as he helped her move closer to him. She curled up into his side and laid her head on his chest, Lightning pulled the covers up over her and turned on the tv to watch a movie in hopes that Sally would fall asleep and get some rest. It didn’t take long before she was out, Lightning ran his fingers through her hair in order to help release some of the heat from her fever and rubbed circles on her back. He closed his eyes and wished for Sally to be better soon.

It wasn’t until the morning sun began to stream into their room did Lightning finally wake up. Sally had had a pretty rough night as she had woken up due to a severe coughing fit. Lightning spent the rest of the night trying to help soothe Sally’s coughing fits until she finally fell asleep due to exhaustion. He opened his eyes and looked down at his wife who was still curled up next to him buried beneath the covers. He scooted down next to her and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her as close as he could. She let out a small sound much like a whimper and curled up into Lightning’s chest. He kissed her forehead and laid there for a while longer until he decided that he should call Doc and tell him about how sick Sally was and to see if someone could cover her shift at the motel. He gently removed his arms from around Sally and tucked the covers around her. He climbed out of bed and threw on a t-shirt sporting his number 95 and a pair of jeans and headed to the kitchen. He dialed Doc’s number and described to him Sally’s condition and symptoms that she has. Once Doc got a good idea of what she had he prescribed her some stronger meds for Lightning to come and grab later. After the phone call with Doc he called up Cruz as she had watched the motel for Sally before on a few occasions and she agreed to take care of it for them. “Take care of her Mr. McQueen. Tell her I hope she feels better!” Cruz said. “Thanks again Cruz and I will” Lightning replied.

He made himself a cup of coffee and was about to sit down when he heard the bedroom door open and the shuffling of feet come down the hallway. He turned to see his very exhausted wife. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days, her hair was a mess and her nose and eyes were red. “How are you feeling Sal?” Lightning said with concern in his voice as he closed the gap between them. Sally leaned against him and shivered slightly. “Still not good…. But I really need to finish that paperwork at the motel and check in any new-” Lightning was shaking his head no before she had even finished her sentence. “No Sal. I’m not going to let you leave the house, I’ve already called Cruz to watch over the motel for you and I also called Doc and told him about the condition you’re in. He has some more medicine for you that I’ll be picking that up later.” Sally stood there in his arms and contemplated trying to argue her way out of this with her lawyerly persuasion as Mater called it but figured it would be useless against her husband. “Okay… Fine… you win this time Stickers…” She replied between coughs. Lightning hugged her close to him and in one swift motion picked her up and took her over to the couch. “Would you like anything to eat or drink Sal?” He asked as he covered her with a blanket and handed her a pillow. “Something warm… Coffee maybe?” Sally replied. Lightning nodded and went to the kitchen and prepared the coffee for his wife. Sally made herself comfortable and snuggled into the blanket and closed her eyes. She re-opened them when she felt Lightning’s hand rest against her cheek, she leaned into his touch and sighed. “Your coffee is on the stand next to you Sal, I’m going to run and get your medicine from Doc. I’ll be back in a flash.” Lightning said as he kissed her forehead. “Okay, I’ll be here…” Sally sighed.

Lightning ran around town as quickly as he could so that Sally wasn’t by herself for too long. Knowing his wife she would find a way to do something whether she is in the state to do so or not. When he finally grabbed everything that he felt would help his wife feel better he made his way back to their house. He opened the door and quietly made his way inside; his eyes made their way over to the couch where Sally was before he left and was pleased to see that she was still in her spot curled up beneath the blanket. Lightning tiptoed into the kitchen and put away the items he purchased except for the prescription that Doc had given him. He went back out to the living room and kneeled down next to the couch. Sally’s hair was the only thing Lightning could see sticking out from under the blanket, he chuckled to himself slightly and gently slide his arms underneath her. She groaned slightly as he carefully picked her up and held her close to his chest. Lightning carried her back to their bedroom and set her down on the bed. “Sal… I have that medicine from Doc for you to take.” He whispered to her “however I’m going to need you to eat a little something first.” Sally peered out from behind the blanket and slowly sat up and took the medicine from Lightning’s hand, he left the room for a minute and returned with a steaming bowl of soup that Flo had given him while he was out. “Eat some of this for me babe, it will help your stomach digest the medicine better” he told her. Sally tried to take the bowl however her hands were too shaky to hold it properly so Lightning held it for her and fed her as much as she wanted. He gave her a small smile as she took the medicine, Sally breathed a sigh of relief and looked at Lightning. “Thank you for all your help Stickers… I’m feeling better already.” Sally smiled as Lightning kissed her forehead. “Anytime Sal.”

#cars #sally carrera #lightning mcqueen #salqueen #doc hudson #cruz ramirez #radiator springs #sick #fanfic #fanfiction

59 notes · View notes

pjbehindthesun · 7 years ago

Text

chapter 11: the glass and the torch

Saturday, October 13th, 1990

“Helloooo – oh, hey Alex.” The door swings open and my obnoxious greeting is cut short as I realize I’m talking to him, not her. It’s the first time I’ve seen him since she got home. My rural manners hitch my smile back up on my face fast enough that I don’t think he noticed anything, but fuck, I still want to smack him on the side of the head with my shoe. Not just once, either, like… once for every word I shout at him. Stop! Fucking! Up! With! My! Friend! You! Fucking! Jackass! I’ll! Fucking! Kill! You! If! You! Hurt! Her! Again! Ahh, that is deeply satisfying.

“Hey, Lucy,” he greets me pleasantly enough, but I have a feeling he’s wearing a similar mask to cover whatever his own thoughts are about me. I can only hope his is concealing a bottomless pit of despair and embarrassment and sheer mortal terror at having fucked up so badly the other night. What kind of idiot actually forgets a whole entire human being?

“Okay, babe, you sure you don’t need anything else at the store? Grocery list looks okay? No? Okay, I’ll be back in a while, love you,” he fusses over an extremely stressed out looking Cora, who barely responds to him as she pores over a piece of paper at their kitchen table. He grabs a few tote bags from the hook by the door and offers me an awkward wave before leaving and closing the door behind him. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was scared to talk to me today. Good. He could stand to be on his best behavior a little more often.

“Luuuuuce,” Cora whines as soon as the door closes, dropping her pen and yanking off her glasses, “I need huuuuugs.”

My murderous thoughts evaporate and I go to my friend and give her a bear hug from behind her chair, and she wraps her arms around mine and silently fake cries. “What’s your damage, woman?”

“I can’t science,” she pouts, and then glowers at me over her shoulder when I can’t help laughing at her.

“I’m looking at some persuasive evidence to the contrary.”

I nod toward their little table, which is covered with paper several pages deep, each one filled with typing that is bleeding red from where she’s marked it up for editing. There are a lot of things my best friend doesn’t do well. Suffer fools. Bluff at poker. Pick boyfriends. But she’s a goddamn science rockstar.

“There does appear to have been a struggle, though… this is that fellowship application?”

She nods, and I take one arm off her to pick up the nearest page. “Page nine. How many pages is it supposed to be?”

“Five…” she mumbles into her hand like she’s trying not to be heard.

“And how many pages is it, currently?” I stand up and try to neaten up the nearest pile.

“Eleven…”

“Okay. This is bleak, but we will manage. We just need fortification. Stay strong, I’ll be right back.”

On autopilot, I grab their teapot out of the cabinet and start boiling water for tea. Once it’s done, I go back to the table, where she’s done a half-assed job of clearing a spot for the cups.

“You’re an actual angel.” She cradles a mug in her hands and her eyes zone out as she watches the steam curl upward.

“You’re delirious and sleep deprived. Okay, where are we starting?”

I understand maybe a tenth of the content, but if nothing else, I can help her find places to trim down the writing, or remove redundant graphs or figures, or shorten the references section, and an hour later we’ve got it cut down to seven pages.

“The rest is on you, or else we’re going to need something stronger than tea,” I groan as I stretch my back, and her head hits the table in a dramatic clunk.

“I repeat, an actual angel,” her voice is muffled by the papers she’s squashing her face into, but then she sits up and flashes a tired but happy smile. “I’m 95% sure I can fix the rest of this myself after a cat nap. Or some FOOD. Let me feed you for your services, it’s only right.”

I follow her into the kitchen, but she hip-checks me out of the way when I try to help. She aimlessly roots through a couple of cabinets before turning around looking defeated.

“So the cupboards appear to be bare… OH!” her eyes widen. “His stash of illicit starches!” She wheels around and produces a half-eaten bag of tortilla chips from a drawer next to the stove. “Do you know what this means??”

“Nachos,” we say at the same time.

I may not be able to live out my fantasy of bloodying Alex with a shoe, but at least I can passive-aggressively eat all his favorite junk food. We pile on our preferred sins and head to the couch with our plates.

“So, how’s work?”

“Medical and fascinating, as always,” I roll my eyes. “The new girl labels all her food in the fridge because she thinks everyone else is going to steal it.”

“Well, to be fair…” Cora holds up a chip and regards it.

“I mean, no jury would convict me for stealing nachos from my friends. But come on, some office rando’s disgusting tunafish salad?”

Cora mimes puking in her mouth.

“Jake says I should make fork marks in every dish, not actually to eat it, just to fuck with her.”

“Jake’s my kind of sicko.”

“Anyway, it’s just the usual office bullshit.”

She scrutinizes her next bite very carefully. “Yeah. You think any more about moving on?”

Her eyes dart up to me, like she knows she’s on thin ice. Every now and again we talk about it, the idea of changing careers, because she knows I hate my job, but she’s at least figured out that it’s mostly an off-limits subject. I love Jeff to bits but he hasn’t gotten that memo yet.

“Ehh, not lately. It pays the bills, it doesn’t take a lot out of me, I have good hours… why rock the boat?”

“Sure, sure, makes sense,” she nods, and I can tell she’s done asking questions. I love her for that.

“Anyway, fuck my stupid job,” I say a little too loudly, “are you coming to the guys’ practice later?”

“Oh come on, you saw how much work I still have to do…” she looks back at the kitchen table with that cornered wild animal look in her eyes.

“Nope, uh-uh. We slayed that monster. You’re going.”

“Yeah, but once this thing is submitted, I really should get started on my thesis proposal…”

“Cora.”

“Lucy.” She fires back in an exaggerated version of my impatient tone.

“What. the hell. is up with you and Stone?”

The customary Stone-induced eye roll is a lot more impatient than usual. “Uhm, Stone’s an irredeemable asshole?”

“Well, sure, but that’s nothing new. What the hell happened last night? Jeff said that when Stone came back inside after talking to you, he looked like a decapitated praying mantis.”

“This image pleases me.”

“Come on, what happened? Why don’t you want to come to the gallery?”

She purses her lips for a moment. “I don’t even know. He’s just up my butt all the time about everything.”

“Speaking of images.” I earn a shove to the knee, but she’s laughing.

“I don’t know,” she says again. “I just… why’s he so fucking interested in my love life all of a sudden.”

“He’s your friend, he cares about you.”

“I know, just… I want things to go back to normal, when Stone being my friend meant calling Alex Cletus and making fun of the Doc Watson tapes in my car. Now it means him treating me like I’m breakable all the time and fixating on every little spat I have with Alex.”

“Well,” I say slowly, choosing my words with precision, “maybe he feels a little protective, I mean, he was the one who picked you up, and probably saw you when you were feeling the most upset that night…”

“No, I know, that’s the thing, I already owe him enough, can’t he let it go? Does he have to keep reminding me that we’re not… equal anymore?”

“Ah yes, the hallmark of a healthy friendship, keeping score.”

She cocks an eyebrow. “Oh, you’re the sarcastic one now? Filling in for Stone in his absence, are we?”

“When are you going to drop this and let the poor guy relax? He’s worried about you.”

“Since when does him worrying about me translate to him deserving to hear every gory detail of my personal life?”

“You told me everything,” I point out.

“Yeah, but you’re you.”

“I’m who?”

“Abbott, or Costello, I don’t give a fuck. You’re my best friend. I’m just saying, of course I told you, I tell you everything. I know you’re not going to judge me, think I’m weak, mock me for still trying to make it work. Stone… he wouldn’t get it, he’s always making fun of Alex, and like, I don’t know… he just doesn’t miss a thing, does he?”

She chews her lip, and I can tell she’s not really expecting an answer to that last question, because we both already know it. It’s true, Stone’s invested in her. It’s plain as day when they’re in the same room. He can hardly look anywhere else. I’m pretty sure she has no clue why, because she’s too busy being irritated by him, but it’s obvious enough to me that he’s carrying a torch for her. But it’s also not my hill to die on, and I don’t want to make her feel any worse.

“Well, he’s your friend, he cares about your happiness. Give him a little credit, Cor. Maybe he wouldn’t make a joke out of it after all. You don’t know.”

“Yeah, and if a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his ass hopping…” she gets up to put our plates in the sink, and it’s clear the subject’s closed.

“Okay, well, think about it? Their practice, I mean. Eddie goes back to San Diego tomorrow, you know, it’d mean a lot to all of them if you came with me.”

She gives me a pained expression and I know I’ve got her. “Okayyyy, maybe…”

“Alright, come downstairs at 2, no take backsies!”

She opens her mouth, but I’m out the door before she can say anything.

***

“Uhm, hello?” A muffled voice calls through my door, accompanied by a knock.

There’s no mistaking that guy’s voice anywhere, is there? That impossibly deep voice for such a small frame, and the way he pronounces words like he’s got a gerbil in his mouth. That thought makes me laugh to myself, but the smile’s instantly wiped away when I open my door to see Eddie, his hand still held up from knocking with the back of his knuckle, his other hand holding that one inside a wad of bloody paper towel, giving me the world’s most sheepish look.

“Jesus, what happened to you?” I bolt to the kitchen to grab a dish towel.

“I, uhm, broke a glass,” he explains lamely as he unfolds the makeshift bandage, showing a gash on the outside of his thumb. I take his hand to get a closer look at the cut, which is bleeding like crazy but I don’t see any glass in it, and it doesn’t look deep enough to need stitches.

“And you did this how, by crushing it with your superhuman grip? Here, put pressure on it, Stone’ll kill us both if you bleed out in my apartment before your first show,” I wrap the towel around it and compress it, making him wince a little. “Well, first he’ll kill me, but I guess he’ll have to dig you up first and then kill you again.”

“Nah, just slipped when I was doing the dishes just now, and I tried to fucking catch it as it shattered, so I’m standing there with a pile of broken glass in my hand that I’m try to corral while I bleed all over everything, and guess I just kept making it worse,” he chuckles as he takes over pressing the towel into his thumb and nods in thanks.

“That was a shit plan, Eddie.”

“Yeah, I worked that out too.”

I look up from his mangled hand, and now that the crisis is somewhat under control, I actually notice him for the first time. Jesus, I mean, everyone looks different when they’re wearing a hat, but…

“…what…?” he asks slowly, narrowing his eyes at me just a little, and I realize I’m probably staring pretty rudely.

“When did you get all that hair?”

“I don’t know,” he laughs, “like, slowly, over the past couple years?”

“Ask a stupid question…” I grin at him. “No, sorry, just, I guess you had that hat on when I saw you before.”

“Ohh, yeah,” he laughs. “Your fair city’s pretty fucking cold, if you hadn’t noticed.”

I’d figure out a pithy reply if I wasn’t still trying to work out the mathematics of how this giant mane of hair fit up inconspicuously in that little baseball cap. I’d say he looks like a totally different person, except it suits him. It has this sort of salt-tangled look to it like he’s permanently just gotten off the beach.

“Well, you’re well insulated with that hair, then,” I laugh. “Okay, so, bandaid?”

“If you don’t mind,” he mutters, suddenly looking embarrassed again. “Sorry to bother you, were you working?” His eyes fall on my table, which is still covered with the bleeding carcass of my research statement.

“Essentially always,” I shrug, “so bothering me’s not really a thing.”

“Thanks,” he scratches the nape of his neck with his good hand. “I just couldn’t find anything helpful in Jeff’s place, and I didn’t want to bleed all over every cabinet.”

“Yeah, and even then, I doubt he has bandaids,” I laugh. “Kinda the textbook bachelor pad.”

“Yeah,” Eddie grins, “pretty great, right?”

“I mean, if you’re a bachelor.”

He looks around my apartment. “Yours is nicer, though.”

“I wouldn’t say nicer, I would just say we don’t…”

“…live in squalor?” he volunteers.

“Yeah, that. So are you gonna stay there when you come back up?”

“I don’t know, maybe. He’s been pretty great about letting me futon-surf so far.”

“The only kind of surfing we’ve got in Seattle, after all.”

“Oh, you wait, if there’s surfing I’ll find it,” he chuckles.

“So do you have a lot to take care of back in San Diego? Probably a lot of people you want to say bye to?”

His expression darkens a little bit, but he just shakes his head and says, “nah, not really. I mean, friends and stuff, sure, we’ll probably have a little gathering. But I don’t have a lot keeping me there. Kinda… kinda why I’m here, right?” The frown deepens.

I don’t know the guy or what’s going on in San Diego, but I know how it feels to be asked questions you don’t want to answer.

“Yeah. Hey, let me get you that bandaid…”

“Thanks,” he says with a little smile, and I think he’s talking about more than the bandage.

***

“Okay, so Mike, we said 5, but can you maybe show up a little earlier than that, like, uh, like 4:45? I just really don’t want to be late…”

Eddie’s nervously hassling Mike to make sure he’s got his ride figured out for his flight tomorrow morning, and Jeff’s bouncing his stupid fucking basketball off the wall like he’s catching rebounds while Dave tries to swat the occasional rogue ball with a drumstick. We’ve been playing for hours and I guess it makes sense that everyone needs a break, but I’m getting tired of the goofing off, so I focus on making a big chord chart for each song we’ve written and try to ignore the fact that I’m surrounded by idiots.

“Hey, beautiful!” Jeff lobs the ball at Dave’s head when he notices Lucy coming down the steps and runs over for the usual nauseating makeout session that occurs whenever they say hello, or goodbye, or whenever the hell they feel like it. Before I can avert my eyes, I realize with a jolt that Cora’s right behind her, and she dodges the two of them on her way to the couch at the back of the room. Mike ruffles her hair as she walks by him and she elbows him in the ribs with a grin before greeting Eddie and Dave. Of course, all of this comes from my peripheral vision, because I’m too busy studying this chord chart like my life depends on it to avoid looking directly at her.

“Okay, one more time through each one?” I bark, a little louder than I meant to, and thankfully the guys come back together pretty quickly.

We run through Breath again and then E Ballad, or, shit, Black, is that what he’s calling it now? Anyway, it’s sounding pretty decent. When that one’s over, Mike scratches his cheek and squints at Eddie.

“You change something, dude?” Eddie just looks at him questioningly until he goes on, “what was it… I thought there was a line that repeated both times about clouds, but it was something different in the second chorus…”

“Mmm? Oh, yeah, uh, the broken glass?”

Ed shoots a sideways glance at Cora, who tries to disguise a snort laugh as a cough when she notices I’m staring at her trying to figure out what the hell she’s laughing at.

“I like it! Edgy.” Mike grins. “What next, Gossard?”

We run through a few more things before we feel like we’re in a solid enough place to take a break for a few days while Ed’s gone. The whole time, I have to fight the temptation to look over at her and try to figure out what she thinks of our new stuff. But it’s not going to work that way. If she came to talk to me, she can come to talk to me. I make a meal out of packing up my guitar.

“Alright ladies and gentlemen, enough playing, time to go play!” Jeff grins, trying and failing to spin the basketball on his finger. Lucy swats it out of his hands and they wrestle over it like a pair of otters.

“Stone, come on man, come play with us! Last chance to prove your manhood,” Mike nags.

“My manhood’s not contingent on my ball-handling skills, Mikey.”

“Pain the ass,” he grumbles, but he’s grinning. “What about you, Cor? Lucy’s actually not bad, but we could use a little more gender equality out there, I mean, if Stone’s not coming along….” I flick a pick at him.

“Uhm, no, I’m good, I think I’m gonna hang out here,” she says casually, but I can feel her watching me again. A little flare of hope sparks up in my chest, but the image of her furious expression last night squashes it pretty quickly.

As their footsteps pound up the stairs, I hear Eddie remind Mike one more time about his flight, and then the sound of the door closing behind them as their voices dissipate. Alone again. There’s so much I need to tell her. Except I still can’t bring myself to look at her because I’m so apprehensive of another stupid fight.

“So, hey,” she says, fidgeting with her fingernails.

“Hey yourself.” I’m probably being difficult, but I’m not about to stick my neck out again unless she does.

“Can we talk about the other night?”

“That depends.” I lean against a short stack of amps, taking a deep breath to brace myself in case this goes to hell again, and finally force myself to make eye contact.

“On?”

“On whether you’re going to bite my head off again.”

“No biting. Promise.” She bites her lips in. It’s almost enough to make me laugh.

“I’m sorry I bit your head off,” she continues. “You were right to be pissed at me, I didn’t call you.”

Jesus, is that all she thinks it was about? How do I begin to explain it to her? “I don’t care about that, you know. I mean, yeah, you shoulda called. But I just wanted to know things were okay. I mean, or not okay, whatever they are… But I shouldn’t have –”

Her mouth flies open to interrupt me but I wave her off.

“– I shouldn’t have hassled you. You had enough on your mind without me getting in the middle of it.”

She shakes her head with a deep crease forming between her eyebrows. “Don’t do that, don’t let me off the hook. I was a jerk, Stone.”

“You were jerk-adjacent, maybe. But it’s understandable.”

“Well, I shouldn’t have lost my shit. You were just trying to look out for me and I took it all out on you like a fucking asshole. I’m sorry. It’s not your doing.”

“It’s not like I helped, though,” I mutter, fiddling with the dial on the amp. “I have this thing I do, where I end up getting the wrong end of the stick because I’m too busy thinking of myself as the center of the universe.”

“I can relate,” she says, fighting a smile.

“But today I was thinking about it some more, and… you don’t owe me anything, Cora, no explanations. I was trying to be there for you, but I just ended up making your… situation into something that was about me. Which is stupid, because at the bottom of it, you’re just really important to me, and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

She’s chewing her lip so hard I’m getting worried about it before letting go of it to ask me, “so, are we okay?”

“I am if you are.”

Finally she lets her smile break the tension on her face as she comes closer to pull me down into a hug, her arms coiled tightly around my neck.

“I’m sorry.”

“You said that already.”

Her shoulders shake with a silent laugh, and she sinks into me. “I fucking hated being on the outs with you, you know?”

“I know. Me too.” I press a quick little kiss against her temple and lean my head against hers.

“Ugh, Stone cooties.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, but I don’t mean it.

“I kid because I love. You know I love you, Stoner,” she adds, squeezing a little tighter.

Oh.

Something falls into place that I hadn’t even known was missing. I didn’t know I needed to hear her say it, even in that laughing, joking, friendly way, and I didn’t know that I needed to tell her, but suddenly it’s the only thing on my mind.

“Yeah, uhm… I, I love you too, Cora…”

She pulls back from me far enough to inspect my face, grinning that sly grin. The grin that I learned on the night we met means pure trouble. Pirate smile. I have to smile back, I’m powerless against it.

“Thanks for bailing me out there, bud,” she teases.

“Yeah, I couldn’t leave you hanging, how embarrassing for you.”

Christ, I want to lean down and kiss her, she’s so close, it feels like fighting gravity. But obviously I’m not going to. It’s an asshole move, and she’d kill me and I’d deserve it. In the bad idea hall of fame, that's…

She stands on her tiptoes and pecks me on the cheek before unwinding her arms and stepping back.

“So, is this a band practice or what? The fuck are we just standing around for?”

After what feels like a very long minute, my heart starts beating again and speech returns. I look around the empty room. “Note the conspicuous lack of band…”

“Excuses, excuses. Are you a guitarist or aren’t you?”

She parks cross-legged on the couch and eyes me expectantly. I shake my head and grab a guitar, sitting opposite her in the little folding chair.

“You’re bossy, Red.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Okay boss, whaddya want to hear?”

***

He indulges me with only a little grumbling, but I think it’s because he’s got so many new ideas rattling around in his head for the new band that he doesn’t mind having someone fresh to play them for. After a while, he runs out of stuff I haven’t heard, so he starts goofing around with riffs and songs from all over the place and I stretch out on the couch to listen. I recognize Tiny Dancer right off the bat, and a few others, but he gets a good minute into Dirty Work before I can finally place the tune and complain loudly enough that he gives up.

After the usual eye roll, he breaks into the opening chords of The Rain Song, which sound so delicate that I have to close my eyes because I feel like any other sensory information is just going to get in the way. It feels like he plays that one for ages, occasionally singing a line quietly here or there over the top of the chords, more to himself than audibly. When he finally stops, I open my eyes to see him squinting at me.

“Thought I’d lost you,” he jokes.

“No, the opposite. One of my favorites.”

“Really? Why?”

“Why? I need a reason? It’s perfect.”

“Sure, it’s just so ballad-y and sentimental…”

“…thus spoke the Marshmallow…” I cut over him.

“…and, like, so out of character for them. That’s such a weird album.”

“I’ll have you know it’s my favorite Zep album, you dick.”

He frowns at me. “Really? Houses?”

“This surprises you?”

“I don’t know, I figured you for a IV kind of girl.”

“That’s everyone’s favorite Zep album. Since when do I do what anyone tells me I should do?”

That makes him chuckle. “God, it figures, of course you would like the weird one.”

“It’s a thing I do. Anyway, you brought it up, why’d you play it?”

He drops his eyes back down to his guitar and fiddles with a few chords. “I don’t know. Just… just been on my mind, I guess.”

“Your mind’s a sentimental place then, Stoner, like it or not.”

His ironic smile relaxes a little, and for a second I think he’s stumped for a reply, but then he nods to himself.

“Alright,” he says thoughtfully, “she who likes the weird ones. I bet I got your number…”

He bends his head back down to his guitar and starts playing the opening notes, the intro to that song, the one that sounds the way a sunrise feels. The weird one. Well, the most normal one on the weirdest album, which makes it the weird one in an especially weird way. Only Stone. I sink a little deeper into the couch as the sound radiates, resonates. By the time he starts quietly singing again, my smile’s so big it hurts.

“Hey, lady…”

#behind the sun #chapter 11 #fanfiction #fanfic #stone gossard #jeff ament #mike mccready #eddie vedder #dave krusen #pearl jam

36 notes · View notes

writingessaymeme295 · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

custom writing online

About me

26 Best Custom Writing Images

26 Best Custom Writing Images Writers Per Hour is the website the place you should purchase a graduate analysis paper accomplished by actual topic professional. Our big group of specialists include exemplary writing abilities and an excellent command over English, each ENL and ESL. They have been handpicked from prime reputed universities throughout US, UK and Australia and posses professional levels such as Masters, PhDs and MBAs of their respective topic issues. Academic writing is kind of a difficult task and never everyone can do a good job at it. However, it's also widespread knowledge that a scholar's life is not an easy one. When you go to varsity, you face numerous drastic changes in your everyday life, and it normally takes lots of mental effort to handle them properly. In case, you are not pleased with the ultimate outcome, we are also happy to get down to rewriting it to ensure the final customized paper is worth each penny you spend. So now, sit again and loosen up as a result of you've all the explanations to buy custom essay paper from Writers Per Hour and make your life easier. We certain are proud to house a few of the most professional and dedicated set of writing experts who've been strictly evaluated and carefully chosen via challenging screening tests. You have time to review the paper and request any revisions/alterations you would possibly need. If we have no less than half-hour on each web page of your order plus 2 hours on research, we will ship your pressing paper on time. Your payments are processed by globally famend third celebration processor, Paypal. Neither our managers or writers have access to the details of your accounts or bank cards. All your exercise on our website is confidential and we don't reveal neither your contact details, nor contents of your orders to any third events. As you're conscious, the four primary forms of academic writing are descriptive, analytical, persuasive and important and every of them include totally different approaches and functions. Not only should you be well-versed with the knowledge required, you are also anticipated to clearly present your thoughts and structure your essay properly for it to be efficient. Writers Per Hour has strict insurance policies towards plagiarism in place. We wholly perceive the consequences of plagiarism and would by no means want to put our customers in an embarrassing situation. Hence, you might be assured to obtain solely 100% plagiarism free papers from us. Also, the knowledge you get must be offered as a logical move of thoughts. At the start, it is proper to grab the eye of your readers and urge them to follow you all through your essay by way of a proper structure. FREE UNLIMITED REVISIONS If you aren't totally happy along with your paper, ask us for a free revision within 2 weeks after the supply. Another characteristic of our company that makes us a perfect selection is our 24/7 assist service. No matter what you need assistance with, our help representatives will allow you to. Getting your custom paper written from us is a very easy and easy course of. Customer service is on the heart of every thing we do, and we take delight in our immediate service and help. In case of queries, attain out to our friendly customer support representatives who are at your service, around the clock. In your personal account you possibly can at all times ask a query to the writer and discover out all the main points of your order, and the rest of the time you're free to do anything you need. A great essay writing train encompasses proper research and the capacity to make robust arguments that you could help by correct proof. Originality is considered one of our clients’ main necessities so we by no means use unreliable plagiarism checkers that retailer submitted content material. When your professor checks your paper, you received’t have any problems with the content material’s originality. Vast experience.We have labored with papers on topics you wouldn’t consider and for all kinds of subjects. We outperform ourselves to fulfill the needs of our customers. Therefore, when you select to seek our assistance, you received’t regret it. The writer was an absolute pleasure to work with, and the paper she did looks terrific. Our customized essay service is the most effective at each conducting in-depth research and masking private matters. With VIP help, you’ll all the time keep up to date about the course of, as we are going to ship you SMS notifications. We constantly improve our companies, and our Customer Service Department is no exception. The solely way to become higher is to hearken to our prospects, so we are all the time prepared on your suggestions. Express your concerns or make your recommendations by sending them to . We additionally examine all papers for plagiarism to be able to get distinctive and inexpensive papers you won’t be afraid to put your name on. Quality is our top priority, so you possibly can rest assured that every order you place by way of our web site shall be completed on the very best stage possible. To order your first essay with us, simply fill out an order type, pay for the piece, and get in contact with the assigned essay author. The subject might be covered, but your author will not go an additional mile for it. It all depends on the clarity of your directions. In any case, we guarantee wonderful academic paper format, free title web page, originality of every piece, and free limitless revisions. We use a number of methods to guarantee a full satisfaction fee, and that is why we made it attainable so that you can request a free revision at any time. 95% of all our papers are delivered means earlier than the deadline.

0 notes

morningsound15 · 7 years ago

Note

Hey you! I would love to have a prompt with a bit of jealousy. Like the Bellas are in a club or bar and some nice guy is flirting with Chloe.. something like that maybe? :)

I don’t know if you wanted smut, anon, but you got smut. So either I’m sorry or you’re welcome, whichever one is right.

Her eyes flutter open and her gaze falls immediately to Beca.

Beca, who has been watching her intently for the past twenty-five minutes, who even now is boring holes into the side of Chloe’s head, staring daggers at the man behind her.

He slides his hands around to lay flat against her stomach and Chloe curves back into him, her eyes locked with Beca’s the entire time.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/12203370/chapters/27752571

Chloe’s never been very big on clubbing, as a general rule. She likes drinking, she likes dancing, and she likes parties, but there’s something about the combination of the three inside of a packed club with sweaty bodies pressed against her that has the tendency to turn Chloe off to the whole endeavor.

She’s never been very big on clubbing.

But the combined persuasive power of Stacie, Ashley, and Cynthia Rose convinces her that it’ll be a fun time, that it’ll be worth it to abandon her books and go out and get a little drunk and act a little crazy with the rest of her friends. Even if it’s just this once.

Now that the rest of the Bellas have finally all turned 21 and can easily get into clubs and bars without worrying about fake IDs, Chloe has more of an incentive to go out with them. Partly because it’s one less thing she has to coordinate, and partly because she doesn’t feel quite so old and out of place anymore, now that they can all legally drink. The age gap between them feels less insurmountable.

For whatever reason, Stacie, Ashley, and Cynthia Rose don’t have a terribly difficult time convincing her to join them on their night out.

It’s a Friday night, Chloe is 24, and she figures… What the fuck, might as well.

The club is dark, the bass pumping so loudly that Chloe can feel it vibrating her sternum. Stacie is well on her way to drunk thanks to the pre-gaming that took place at the Bellas house, Amy disappeared about three seconds after they walked through the door, and Cynthia Rose is already badgering the DJ into playing some old Destiny’s Child hit.

All in all, a pretty standard night out with this group of people.

Chloe rolls her eyes and heads for the bar.

She orders two drinks over the course of two songs and downs them quickly, not really trying to get drunk so much as trying to get just drunk enough to actually enjoy herself.

She’s well past tipsy by the time the fourth song ends.

She sips on her fourth (fifth?) drink as her eyes skim across the crowd.

Her eyes flit over Ashely, Jessica, and Lilly, dancing erratically in a group together in the middle of the crowd. Amy is still nowhere to be seen. Stacie is sandwiched between two different men, her fingers tugging through one’s hair as the other caresses her sides, his mouth pressed to her neck. Cynthia Rose is chatting easily with a girl at the end of the bar, laughing loudly whenever she cracks a joke.

Chloe smiles behind her glass, happy her friends seem to be having a good time, at the very least.

A sure hand on the small of her back makes her turn around, her head cocked to the side, curious. A man stands next to her. He has a scruffy beard and glasses and his dark hair falls over his forehead almost into his eyes.

He smiles at her. “Hi,” he says, half-shouting to be heard over the thumping of the music. “I’m Tim. You’re Chloe, right?” Chloe nods, though she’s fairly certain she’s never seen this man before in her life so she’s not entirely sure how he knows her name. “We had Philosophy together last year,” Tim shouts, recognizing the confused expression on her face and the fact that she clearly cannot place him. “Professor Miller?”

“Oh, right,” Chloe says, because she did take that class last year but she still swears she doesn’t recognize this guy for the life of her.

“You probably wouldn’t know me,” he says, leaning forward and bringing his mouth close to her ear. “I sat behind you. I asked you for a pen one time?”

Chloe shakes her head, grimacing in a way that she hopes isn’t entirely off-putting. “Sorry, Tim.”

He shrugs, looking nonplussed. “No worries. I’m told I have a pretty forgettable face.” He glances behind her, making eye contact with the bartender and gesturing with his hand. “What are you drinking?” He looks back at her and Chloe notices for the first time how blue his eyes are. “Mind if I buy the next round?”

Chloe opens her mouth, the word “No” already halfway out of her lips, when she catches sight of a familiar figure by the door.

Beca has just walked in. Beca, who hates clubs maybe even more than Chloe, who can’t stand going out or getting dressed up just to get trashed with a bunch of strangers she’s never seen before. Beca, who none the less has her hair done and her makeup carefully drawn, looking perfectly unflustered and not-at-all-sweaty even though it feels about 95 degrees inside this building. Beca, who has her boyfriend’s hand gripped loosely in hers as she leads him through the crowd towards Lilly, Ashley, and Jessica, a wide smile on her face as she laughs at something Jesse whispers in her ear.

Chloe blinks a few times, suddenly feeling much drunker than she is.

Her eyes flit back to Tim, who’s standing in front of her holding two drinks and smiling a crooked smile.

Chloe smiles back, takes the drink he passes her, and downs it in one go.

He grins wider. Tosses his own drink back. “Nice,” he says, leaning back over the bar and gesturing for two more, “I love a girl who can drink.”

Chloe sighs. “Please stop talking,” she says with only a hint of malice.

Tim shrugs. Offers her another drink, which she takes gratefully.

His eyes dart down her body. Back up to her face. “You wanna dance?” He asks, and Chloe — even though she feels like she’s at some terrible junior prom wherein she has to watch the girl she’s crushing on dance with the star quarterback while she gets stuck with his slightly-less-attractive-best-friend — agrees, and lets him lead her into the throng of the crowd.

She’s pretty drunk at this point. All of those cocktails in such a short amount of time have finally started to catch up with her, and every time she moves her head it feels like the world tips completely on its side.

Tim’s hands are warm on her hips, drawing her back flush against his front. She reaches up behind her, tangling her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, pulling him down to her. His breath is hot on her neck, his teeth sharp as they nip at the edge of her jaw. Chloe smiles into the feeling and grinds back against him, the bulge in his pants rubbing against the curve of her ass.

Her eyes flutter open and her gaze falls immediately to Beca.

Beca, who has been watching her intently for the past twenty-five minutes, who even now is boring holes into the side of Chloe’s head, staring daggers at the man behind her.

He slides his hands around to lay flat against her stomach and Chloe curves back into him, her eyes locked with Beca’s the entire time.

She watches Beca’s knuckles go white, curled around her glass.

Jesse is next to her, hovering near her elbow, chatting animatedly with another Treble they’ve just happened to run into. He throws his head back and laughs as the other guy punches him on the arm good-naturedly, but Chloe isn’t looking at him, can’t watch him, can’t care at all about what he’s getting up to. Not when Beca is looking at her like that.

Tim’s mouth is hot against her neck and his hands are hot against her abdomen and Beca’s withering glare is hot and burning her for entirely different reasons.

Chloe smirks at her. She can see Beca’s nostrils flare from across the room.

She turns in her spot, her fingers still buried in Tim’s hair. When he kisses her his mouth is warm but too big. His beard scratches her chin and his tongue is uncoordinated as it slides over her lips, but Chloe’s drunk and she doesn’t care. She can’t care.

Because Beca is here. She’s here with Jesse but she’s spent every second of the last thirty minutes tracking Chloe’s every movement.

So if she’s gonna watch, Chloe’s gonna put on a show.

The music is thrumming through her veins, addictive and exhilarating like the best kind of drug. Chloe’s head is thick and her vision is unfocused and the whole room is spinning just a little and the guy holding her — she can’t remember his name at this point — he feels wrong, too big and gangly. He smells wrong, like Old Spice and nice cologne. Not bad but wrong.

He’s not a bad kisser but he’s not great and Chloe is drunk but she’s not so drunk that she feels the need to keep kissing this guy she has no interest in getting to know.

She pulls away from him and he tries to chase her mouth with his. She puts a hand on his chest, holding him at bay.

She smiles sweetly, hoping that it will stop him from asking too many questions. “Bathroom,” she shouts in the direction of his ear. She doesn’t hang around to see if he gets it, to try and keep track of him in the thick of the crowd, to try and mark his position as if she’s going to try and find him again.

She knows she’s not going to try and find him again.

She looks at Beca who is staring back at her, her eyes dark and dangerous.

Chloe bites her lip and makes a bee-line for the mostly-empty hallway that leads to the bathrooms.

She knows Beca will follow her.

Chloe takes her time in the bathroom. The floor is sticky, the stalls graffitied over scratched black paint. The lights are bright and fluorescent and they flicker every so often in a way that makes Chloe’s head throb. The tap at the far end of the counter leaks slowly, the drip drip drip of the water impossibly loud in the empty room. Empty except for her.

She turns on the sink, letting clear and cold water circle down the drain but not touching it. Eyes herself in the mirror. Wipes at the edge of her mouth where her lipstick has smudged.

The door opens with a creak but Chloe doesn’t look away from her own calculating reflection.

She’s drunk. The longer she looks at herself the more she feels it. Her eyes blink back at her sluggishly. The bathroom is too bright for how her head feels.

She knows Beca is watching her. “What are you playing at, Chloe?”

Chloe huffs. Yanks a few paper towels out of the dispenser next to the sink even though she doesn’t need them. She makes eye contact with Beca’s reflection. “I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

Beca’s eyes flash. Her nostrils flare again. “Like hell it’s not.”

Chloe turns around. Leans her hip against the dirty countertop and folds her arms over her chest. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

Beca arches an eyebrow. “You didn’t want me to follow you in here?”

Chloe huffs and shifts her weight. “No,” she lies.

Beca takes a step forward, her face drawn and her expression dangerous. “Were you gonna go home with him?”

Chloe gulps. Drops her hands to grip at the counter. “Beca…”

Beca is now completely in her space. Her breath ghosts over Chloe’s cheeks. Her hands bracket around Chloe’s hips, trapping her in place. “Were you?”

This game they’re playing feels dangerous, the rules mostly unspoken. They know each other so well, can read each other so well at this point that they almost don’t need to talk about what’s going on between them, but it still feels dangerous. The truth of the matter is Chloe always knew what she was doing, knew that she was going to rile Beca up, knew that she was trying to rile Beca up, knew that she was going to draw Beca to her, silently urge her to follow her into this room. She always knew it was leading to this.

“No,” she grits out through clenched teeth (and God, she hates herself for it, but she knows it’s true. She was never going to go home with anyone but Beca).

Beca’s mouth is hot and punishing when she kisses Chloe, all biting teeth and sucking lips. Chloe whimpers as she feels Beca’s teeth scrape her skin, the taste of iron slipping over her tongue immediately after, her lip already swelling from the incessant pull of Beca’s teeth.

Beca pulls her to the side and shoves her back against the bathroom door, her hands immediately bunching Chloe’s skirt up around her waist. One hand yanks Chloe’s underwear down to her knees while the other presses tightly against her mouth to muffle the desperate little whines that Chloe can’t quite bite back.

Her fingers run roughly over Chloe’s wet sex and Chloe’s hips jump to meet her touch. Beca pushes her harder against the door, growling at her to “Stay put,” and Chloe is breathing heavily through her nose but Beca’s hand is still over her mouth and it feels like she can’t breathe.

Two fingers enter her roughly and Chloe bucks away from the wall almost on reflex, her eyes rolling back into her head.

“Is this all for him?” Beca asks, her eyes dark, makeup smudged at the corners. Her lipstick has been entirely kissed away.

Chloe whimpers and tries to shake her head but it’s hard with Beca holding her still. Beca drops her hand.

“What was that?” She asks again, her voice low and somewhere between angry and aroused. “Did he do this to you? Are you this wet for him?”

“No,” Chloe admits, voice barely above a whisper. She tangles a hand in Beca’s hair and pulls. Her feet slip against the tiled floor, scrambling for purchase as Beca pistons inside of her. “Fuck, Beca,” she hisses.

“I can’t believe I had to watch you kiss him,” Beca mutters. She swipes her thumb over Chloe’s sensitive clit and Chloe has to clamp down on her own lip to stop from screaming. “Can’t believe I had to watch you dance with him. Tease him, like you were gonna let him fuck you. Like you were gonna let anyone but me fuck you tonight.”

“Jesus Christ, Becs.”

Beca kisses her, swallowing Chloe’s quiet moans. She changes the angle of her thrusts and Chloe gasps, her breathing heavy and loud. She arches into the touch, her teeth clenched tight as she comes with only a tiny whimper.

All the muscles in her legs seize and she shakes, clenching around Beca’s fingers.

Beca’s lips never leave hers, but the pressure behind them softens slightly, Beca’s mouth opening a little, her tongue becoming more languid as she slows the pace of her thrusting fingers.

Chloe whimpers when she finally withdraws them.

“Are you going home alone tonight?” Beca asks her quietly, resting her hand — still wet with Chloe’s arousal — against the bare skin of Chloe’s hip. Chloe nods once, her limbs loose as she tries to get her breathing under control. Beca smiles and it’s the sincerest smile Chloe’s seen all night. She kisses her. “Good,” she whispers against Chloe’s lips. Her hands are gentle as she tugs Chloe’s underwear back up her thighs, as she pulls Chloe’s skirt back down and smooths down the creases in the fabric. “Then I’ll see you tonight.”

And Chloe is helpless to do anything but nod.

#anonymous #asks #perdition #prompts #prompt fill #bechloe #beca x chloe #jealousy #semi-public #smut

59 notes · View notes

benefits1986 · 5 years ago

Video

Mga Bagay Na Miss Ko Sa Campus

-yung biglang ambon pag sobrang init tapos maiinis ako kasi tinatamad akong magpayong o nakalimutan ko na naman ‘yung payong ko somewhere

-yung tunog ng orasan pag sunset; parang ang magical lang LOL

-yung mga jamming na biglaan at planado sa Maginhawa at sa mismong campus habang iniisip kung makikita ko na nga ba ‘yung The Last One ko since 2012 hanggang ngayon ahahahaha (shet. kinikilig pa rin ako sa dahilang hindi ko alam)

-yung naalala ko na minsang may nag-alok na sasamahan daw niya ako habang nagma-masteral ako tapos siya PhD. hahahaha tapos sungit-sungitan mode na naman ako pero sa totoo lang nag-imagine ako na sasakay kami ng Ikot at Toki together while we are working things out for the future pero hahaha, lololololll, shit happens and ego shatters all over; I think first time ko itong nasabi out loud kasi shutabellesss, alam mo na, things like these do not come by easily pero shet lang; still gives me fun vibes of yesteryears; alsoooo, naoovershadow na naman ng shet-masteral-lang-ako-phd-ka-na-agad mindset, so seee? mindshit, bishhhh

-’yung natanong ako kung may MGA naging jowa ba akong taga-campus with matching solid evidences na napatigil ako kasi shutaaaa, sobrang lala ng judgement ng society kahit sabihin pang pugad ng academic excellence ‘tong lugar na ‘to at syempre, na-explain ko naman ‘yung side ko ng maayos at napagtanto kong hindi naman ako paasa; I just love to make the most of the time I waste with people. And also, I take my connections seriously in a crazy good manner. Ganun lang. No exact attachments required. Good stories. Crazy good stories. All good na you and me

-’yung iyak ko and anxiety because this campus fucks me up and puts me in nirvana. Kahit matapos or not ko tong masteral ko dito, wala akong paki. I think hindi naman para matapos ang course na to yung point ko. Gusto ko lang talagang masabing naging legit taga-campus akong ito for once in my life. I have said na being in this campus is like a toxic relationship. Pero lagi ko nga pang-dodge ng sobrang legit ng arguments ng mga tao is kung actual toxic people in personal life and work life ko nga, natawid ko, eto pa bang gusto ko talagang gawain, susukuan ko? Hayaan ko na lang siya (’yung campus) ‘yung sumuko sa akin, kasi ‘di naman ako talaga competent sa mga ganitong shit, pero sige. I will take it. Take me. Lorddeeee. All that I am. All that I’ll be. HAHAHAHA. Lead me, Lordeeeee.

-’yung saya ng bawat sem na himalang naitawid ko kasi nga hindi ako competent. Dito sa campus ko natanggap na andami kong hindi alam na napaka liit ko lang na bahagi ng unberso and hindi kakayanin ng art of persuasion ang mga bagay-bagay na may tatak-academic excellence

-’yung napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na tulad ng ibang school, bulok na bulok na ang sistema ng campus. Walang future-proofing. Hindi byword ang progressive. Gustong maging malaya ang kaisipan pero shackled by thinking in a certain framework only. Think in a world of Office 365 and Google everything, naka Windows 95 pa rin ang campus. Ganung vibin’.

-’yung alam ko kaya ako napadpad sa campus na ‘to is not entirely to get a postgrad degree but to prove to myself na kaya ko ng mag-veer away sa shadows ng mom ko PERO shutaaa, the more I immerse myself in this world, mas nadarama ko pagbubunganga ng nanay ko and how she loves USTE and UA & P compared to this campus HAHAHAHAH. pero, wala e, eto pangarap ko so tiisin ko na lang

-’yung narealize ko time and time again, naka-ilang drop na ako, naka-AWOL na and thinking of just letting this sem pass because shuta, lifegoal unlocked thanks campus, ktnxbye, being in this campus allowed me to go, glow and grow

-’yung narealize ko na sobrang dami kong naging meaningful connections sa campus na ‘to more than anywhere i have been kasi mas naging at peace ako sa quirks ko because I feel I belong better ---paiba-ibang kulay ng buhok, gender fluidity to the highest level, not having to worry about being too indie kasi shuta, hindi naman kasi ito about being mainstream, being more fragile and broken and celebrating them instead of concealing them kasi taboo na naman, etc.

UPDi kong mahal. Maraming salamat. Hanggang sa muli. Muling hindi ko sure kung oo, hindi, or even baka.

0 notes

johngerberarticle · 5 years ago

Text

The crazy, wonderfully amazing shit my dad did and a bunch of other things you didn’t know about him.

This article originally appeared in the October 2011 issue of Uno Magazine.

Written by Ryan Gerber

When I was 5 years old I met my father for the first time.

I was terrified and confused and I just wanted to go back to where I had come from. I didn’t know this family. I didn’t know this island and I didn’t know this giant with a mustache who was calling me son. I was just a scared kid, unaware of my surroundings or the complicated relationship of my two parents. And yet, there I was, fresh off of a flight from Honolulu and unable to make eye contact with this family of noses, called the Gerber’s. This was my family and this was my induction.

The year was 1982 and the mustache belonged to a young John Gerber. Now, unlike most of the people on the island at that time, I knew very little about this man. I knew nothing of his time in Vietnam, or that he had a first wife that went by the name Nola and I definitely didn’t know him as Johnny G, the polyester clad DJ of the Wireless Rock show on KUAM. To me, he was just a man who went by the name Dad. 27 Years later I buried my father. With me, was a slightly bigger family of Gerber’s and an entire island of friends and family who all lost something on the morning of May 4th, 2010.

Over that stretch of time I got to know a lot about this man. A man who by every definition of the word, would qualify as legend. In fact, I’ve since heard many stories about my Dad and his long and varied legacy. Some tales were tall and others were quite touching. Some were ridiculous and untrue and some just needed to be told again and again. Which is my intention now, to shed light on a man, that so many knew in so many different ways. This is neither a reckless expose nor a blind tribute to an infallible myth. It’s an honest account of a real man from a perspective that you might not have. After all, he played a big part in shaping who I am today … for better or worse. And this is my tribute. I should warn you. This probably won’t be very objective. He was my Dad. So where shall I begin? Perhaps at the beginning.

The Early Years John Vincent Pangelinan Gerber was born on May 31st, 1951. He was the second child of six, that belonged to Martin and Delores Gerber. Many of you will know his siblings as Joyce, Wanda, Debra, Janet and Martin Jr. I know them as my aunts and uncle. I never met my Grandfather as he also died young at the age of 49. Though from what I can gather, he was a strict and particular man, who worked hard and had very high standards for all of his children. Judging by how they all turned out, i’d say this was a good thing. My grandma Lole, on the other hand, I knew very well. She was one of the first Gerber’s to take me in and in a lot of ways, she was the glue that held our clan together. One of my fondest memories as a kid, was our Thursday night dinners. This was the one day of the week, that my grandmother didn’t attend church, so it was the one night of the week that the entire family got together. We barbequed and we made fun of each other and we acted the way most families do, only with a touch more sarcasm. And no matter what was going on in our lives at the time, this was a tradition we held sacred. When she passed away in 1990 none of us were the same and though he tried not to show it, neither was my Dad.

He developed his super powers of persuasion and cunning, early on. Honing them on my grandparents and my aunts first, before practicing them on the general population. As far back as I can remember, I’ve heard tales of my Dad getting people to do extraordinary things on his behalf. Mind you, part of his charm was his own work ethic, while the other part, was actual charm. He was no angel, but he was clever, so it was also better to have him working with you than against.

He had a way with words and a way with people, particularly women. This was reinforced by the name of his high school band, “Every Girls Friend” (Circa 1967). He played guitar and sang. You could probably argue that this was the non-official beginning of his “Wireless Rock” career, but we’ll discuss that in a bit. Later, he would go on to teach me how to play the guitar, specifically with the song Rocky Racoon off the white album. And it’s safe to say, that evidence of his personality is visible in all of his children.

Yes. It was quite clear that my Dad possessed that extra something. That extra something that made him special.

Vietnam In 1965 the US began deploying troops into Vietnam and in 1969 my Dad graduated from George Washington High School. He wasn’t yet 18 when he walked into the recruitment offices of the United States Marine Corps, so he had to get permission from my Grandparents to enlist. They agreed and he joined. Not much longer after, he was fighting a war in a foreign land, not too far from our own little island.

The next few years between 1969 and 1971 probably did more to shape who my father was than any other period of time. It was also the longest amount of time that he spent off island.

As a kid, he was reluctant to share stories about his time in the marines with me. He’d occasionally tell stories of some crazy drill sergeant or vaguely describe combat, but I was young and though you couldn’t really tell, his time at war had changed him, even more than he knew at the time. Much later, as an adult, I would come to learn more about his experiences and how they motivated him to create the Pacific War Museum and to become an activist for the young men and women who had died for this country and the countless numbers of young soldiers who were on their way to war, currently. His cause was clear and his purpose was just. On June 3rd, 1975, my Dad left the marines as a corporal and by the time he died in 2010, they had made him a Sergeant.

Wireless Rock Now of course, directly after the war, my Dad was in his early twenties and still quite popular. So, he dusted off the polyester and went back to work at KUAM, which was across the street from our house in Ordot at the time. He had worked there as a kid, sweeping up around the studio and playing the occasional camera boy. So when the need for a new late night voice on the KUAM airwaves arose, it was a natural fit.

Even after I left the island in 95, I would occasionally run into stateside fans of JG and the Wireless Rock show. It was a funny thing to witness, but now I take a certain pride in it. I even remember one of my first nights on island, back in 82, sitting with my Grandma Lole and my Uncle Jr listening to the show in the old Gerber living room and getting my first shout out. It was cool then and it’s pretty cool now.

Those that were close to my Dad during this timeframe remember scores of young women hanging out by the station, loads of fan mail, polyester suits and lots of hair. It was also during this time that my Dad launched the Wireless Rock Music Box, his record shop which later became the source of my Uncle Jr.’s enormous album collection.

His show lasted eleven years, from 1972-1983. And by the time he wrapped things up, he had so many other things going on that it was a natural progression, though he still rocked a white vest every now and again.

The Kadena Years During the Wireless Rock era, my Dad also began building boats … And how many of us have the privilege of saying that? Of all of his phases, this was probably my favorite. So much of it was spent on the water enjoying the island from a simpler perspective. Fishing, skiing and playing practical jokes on the tourists he would charter. To me, this was a golden era.

His first boat, was of course, The Wireless Rock, which from a marketing standpoint, you’ve gotta appreciate. This was followed by The Spam, which was followed by a cease and desist order from Hormel, which resulted in a name change to The Chamorrita in 85. He also owned several smaller boats, such as The Wild Cherry andThe Fotgun (which means wet, for all of you haole’s reading this). His crowned jewel however was The Kadena De Amore, which he began building in 1983. It was quite an undertaking, and I am not lying when I say that it had a full disco built right into it. Sadly, a tragic fire in 1986 resulted in the demise of the Kadena and the subsequent transfer of ownership of then, Cabras marina to what is now known as Aqua world Marina in Piti. Though I still hear people call it Gerberville from time to time.

On one charter, we had just docked and my Dad’s good friend, who went by George Palau, caught an Iguana. It was big, maybe 6 feet. Though we warned him, he began antagonizing the reptile by mimicking his lizard tongue. The Japanese tourists were enthralled, but my Dad knew better, warning George “Buddy. You’re gonna lose your tongue…”. He barely finished saying that before the iguana lunged forward biting the tip of Georges tongue with such angry precision that we were all stunned. Tourists were freaking out. We were on the ground laughing (I know it’s mean, but it was funny) and George was running around trying to pull this lizard from out of his mouth. Eventually he did and from that day forward, he had a more distant relationship with reptiles.

These were the types of stories I remember from this time and a lot of those people, I still see out on the water, whenever I come back home for a visit.

Senator Gerber? The 80’s were a time of experimentation for my Dad and while it is not a secret that my father was once the son-in-law of Ricky and Madeleine Bordallo, it is a lesser known fact that he also ran for office in 1986. You read that right. Always up for new challenges, my father ran, but ultimately failed to take a seat in the senate. There were lot’s of reasons for this, and we can post-rationalize, but at the end of the day, I think we can all agree that it worked out for the best.

18 years later, my father pulled a giant billboard dedicated to the 1548 Marines that had died during the liberation of our island. He pulled it from Anderson Airforce base in Yigo to the Naval base in Apra, using a contraption he fashioned out of an old wheelchair and a carabao pull. He did this with the intention of changing the name of Marine drive to Marine Corps Drive as to never let us forget. Governor Felix Camacho officially changed the name on April 13, 2004. The next day. This was how he evolved his political prowess and this was probably the purest representation of how he did things. With passion and with a whole lot of sweat.

Gerber and Sons (+ Daughter) By the 90’s, my Dad had once again, shifted focus. First, at the tender age of 40, he decided to go to college and get his bachelors degree. His professors loved him and his young classmates thought he was the coolest freshman they’d ever met.

Second, he got heavy into what I like to call his Sanford and son years. Salvaging vehicles and doing some construction … basically, a whole lot of physical labor. By this point I had also grown my own (embarrassingly thin) mustache and was working for my Dad part time. He had named his company Gerber and Sons (a name my sister wasn’t very keen on) and all I can remember is sweat. I’m not gonna lie. This was my least favorite time. I went from fishing and diving to sanding and welding. Not that we weren’t doing any of that on the boats, it just had a less magical appeal and well, I was a teenager, so I had my own issues to deal with.

That being said. There were a few pivotal moments that came from this. On Memorial day in 1992, my Dad visited the grave of an old friend and fellow soldier Lance Corporal Rufo San Nicholas. He had died in Vietnam and on his tombstone he was still 19 years old. I remember my Dad saying “I was lucky. Guys came back and had no home, some were disabled or suffering some sort of injury and I barely had a scratch. I had a home. I had work and family. and Rufo …was still 19.” This was the defining moment that changed everything for my Dad.

In 1994, My dad acquired his first APC. Now, for those of you unfamiliar with that term. He bought a tank. Also known as an Armored Personnel Carrier. He called it the Eve of Destruction and drove it all over Ordot. It’s still on display at the museum as I write this. That year he also took part in the Liberation Day parade using the Eve of Destruction to haul a pre-war Chamorro house down Marine Corp Drive. From this day forward, things just kept moving in that direction.

This is also around the time that he developed his signature work look. Aviators, Boots and T-shirt, tucked squarely into a pair of jean-shorts. Anyone who has ever seen my Father toiling, out in the hot Guam sun will recognize this look.

In 1995, I left the island in pursuit of my own stories and adventures, but before I left, I went on one last adventure with my Dad. There were a bunch of us on this particular mission. My uncle Jr. was there as were my Dad’s good friends John Camacho, Pete Siguenza and Mike Guzman. A bunch of us. It was a hike deep down into the jungle to recover a Japanese Zero that had been shot down during the war. A fighter plane. We found it, but it was gonna be a challenge to excavate, so we left it with the intention of coming back for it later. And they did. 15 years later, my Dad went and recovered that plane. And this was the last thing my Father pulled out of the jungle before he passed away.

Semper Fi In 2007 I came back to the island for the first time in 11 years. I didn’t tell anyone I was coming, so I decided to play a prank on my old Dad. There had been a rash of break-ins in the village, so I asked my aunt to call him up and tell him someone was breaking into the house and that they had trapped him inside. He showed up with a bat and barely stopped the truck before leaping out of it. I of course waved the white flag and he laughed. “Son!” he said. “I almost killed you”. He then gave me a big hug and told me to get in the truck.

You see, I hadn’t planned on it, but it just so happened to be the 62nd anniversary of the battle of Iwo Jima. Turns out, a lot of the guys that had fought in that battle had also fought on Guam during our own liberation. My Dad was hosting a barbecue for the tour that was coming through, about 200 people, which consisted of actual vets, young soldiers and their families. This was at the first Pacific War Museum my Dad had built in Ordot and it was the first time I was seeing it.

I was proud of my Dad. He had accomplished so much with so little and here were all these people pulling together to honor these vets and to entertain these young soldiers who were about to be deployed for their first, their second and their third times. He was giving them advice and telling stories. It was inspiring. and it was a family affair. My Auntie Janet was pulling up with the red rice, my brothers were manning the traffic, my uncles and cousins and aunts were setting up tables and bringing in supplies. It had that same vibe I remember from those Thursday night dinners we’d had, so long ago at my Grandma Lole’s house, just on a much grander scale. And now it was my Dad that was the glue. And his reach had gone far beyond our family. I later learned that he and his wife Mela, along with the rest of my family had fed and entertained thousands of troops over the years and my Dad’s name had become synonymous with the Marine Corp on Guam.

Never before had I seen my Dad imbued with so much passion. And if you recall, that was never something he was short on. He had found his purpose and he was hell bent on making shit happen. We learned a lot about each other on that trip and in a lot of ways we were so much a like, just in different ways. It was a really good trip.

The words Semper Fidelis will forever be attached to the name John Gerber, it’s meaning, Always Faithful is tantamount to his dedication to his family, to this island and to his beloved Marine Corps. In 2007, on a surprise trip home I finally got it. That was also the last time I saw my Father in person.

This past April, the family came together once again, to honor my Father and to help raise money for his Pacific War Museum, now situated in Maina. They held a memorial 5K run/walk (Click here to see the film). It was an amazing tribute to what my father had worked so hard to build and what my family was now working so hard to keep going.

Family Man In the end, his most important role, was his role in the family. As a Dad, just like with everything else, he had his phases. For me, being the eldest. He was tough. My grandfather was tough on him and so he was tough on me. I mean, I don’t know many other kids whose list of chores included changing the tires on an industrial forklift. He worked me hard and at the time I wasn’t so happy about it. Of course, I never made things easier on myself, as I had yet to learn how and when to pick my battles. So, we butt heads. Over the years I’ve come to appreciate the work ethic he instilled in me. And those that were close to my father know that he worked himself harder than anybody else. More importantly, when it counted, my father always came through, especially for his family.

When I came back in 2007, he had clearly changed. I even joked about how I didn’t recognize him. He was a mellow Dad, more patient with my brothers and definitely less strict. He was actually a blast to be around. Not that he didn’t, still put them too work, on occasion. Just less so. My sister Christiana, had also known the tougher side of our father, but had witnessed the shift on a more gradual scale, as she came back home more often than I did. Liberation day also became a special time that her and my brothers Storm and Rio got to share with my Dad and partake in his work.

For his wife Mela and all of my Uncles and Aunts, my Dad’s attitude and passion was infectious. This is evident in everything they’ve done since my father’s passing. It’s actually quite astonishing to step back and see not just what he’s created, but what he’s inspired in the people who loved him.

Goodbye It was around 6pm, when I got word that I should call home. I was watching TV and waiting for my dinner to be delivered. It was meant to be a quiet night and in a strange sort of way, that’s exactly what it became. You see I was living in New York at the time, so that meant it was around 6am on Guam. I had finally gotten a hold of my Auntie Janet. She was at the naval hospital and in the next room, they were trying to revive my father.

She was inconsolable and passed the phone to my cousin EJ, who took on the unenviable task of relaying what was happening as it happened. All I could do was pace. Alone in my apartment, on the other side of the globe, I paced and I paced and I listened and I asked questions. And I tried to remember the last conversation I had with my Dad who was now unconscious in a hospital room 7,958 miles away from the room that I was in. and I could do nothing.

I heard the cries and I didn’t even have to ask … but I did anyway. And just like that, my Dad was gone. It had been about 6 months since the last time I had called home and 3 years since the last time I was on island. And that was the only thing I could think about for the rest of that night. I called my sister who hadn’t yet heard the news and then I called my brothers. I sat there and I watched the sun disappear and then I booked a ticket home.

There is a lot that can and has been said about my Father. But that’s true of most great men who are worth talking about. And in the end it’s these stories that keep him alive.

The last words that my father said to me, on the last phone call I had with him were simple. “I love you son” and my reply is how I will end this article. “I love you too dad. I’ll see you soon.”

0 notes

captainvictoryboat · 7 years ago

Text

Behind the Scenes (19/21)

Author’s note: Sorry I haven’t updated in a while, things are like all over the place right now. Sorry for any errors.

Genre: Angst/Flufff?????? But is it really? (Suga)

Word count:4678

City: Bangkok, Thailand

Summary: Jimin has his own feelings about Y/n and Jungkook’s date night and Suga finally get Y/n to talk to him.

Other parts: HERE

This is my GIF. I made it based off of this scenario series.

JIMIN POV

He couldn’t stop staring at them. It was the first thing that came up on his phone and all he could do was just stare.

Y/n looked beautiful in her red dress and Jungkook looks as fine as ever. Seeing Jungkook hold Y/n in his arms, made Jimin’s chest tighten. It was the exact poses they did for the last comeback and he felt just as jealous of Y/n as the day he was glaring from the sidelines of the photoshoot about a year ago.

He knew he had no right to feel the way he was feeling. He knew this was all part of their “show”, to make their fake relationship look as genuine as possible. But, in those pictures, at least to him, they just looked too…real.

Jungkook’s hands were much lower on Y/n’s body than he’d ever witnessed. Jimin continued to torture himself by zooming in on Jungkook’s beautiful face only to notice his lips curling into a smile, a smile that wasn’t in the original pose. Just in general, the was the Jungkook was holding her was much closer than before. In the second picture, the one where Y/n was holding onto Jungkook by his hair, Jimin felt his heart hurt more. Still there was a slight smile on Jungkook’s face, one too subtle to be fake. Unlike the original photoshoot, y/n’s lips were actually on Jungkook’s neck and that’s when Jimin tossed the phone to the other side of the bed. He couldn’t look at it anymore, it was making him physically sick.

“Why are those pictures affecting me this way?!?” he sniffled. “They are just stupid pictures! There is a shit ton of other ones of them together! Why does this hurt so much?” he whimpered.

He sat up. “Ya! Stop thinking this way!” he told himself. “There is nothing going on between them. Y/n wouldn’t do that to me. Even if she did like him, she would have told me. I can trust her, she is my friend… And besides… These feelings are pointless anyway, he’s never going to love me back.”

Y/N POV

The two hour plane ride from Kuala Lumpar wasn’t the worst, but it wasn’t the best. The up side to the whole ride was that it was only you and Jungkook that sat together. There were no worries about feeling too much guilt compared to when you were actually next to Jimin. However, you had to deal with Jungkook constantly pestering you the whole time to go down in him in the bathroom. You slept with him only once and he got his greasy persona with you right back. Because of it, it wasn’t entirely easy to say no to him. The way he was wording everything was tempting, but it was more fun to deny him. Each time he came up with either a more persuasive argument or resorted to ridiculous begging. Despite his entertaining actions, the biggest reason you always said no was because you were scared the two of you would get caught by other plane passengers, or worse, any of the other boys.

The only upsetting part of the plane ride was that you and Jungkook sat behind Suga. Suga wasn’t his usual plane riding self. Without fail he was the type to put his headphones in and go to sleep, especially when he was hungover. However, today he was different. Of course, he was hungover, but this time he kept himself awake. From time to time, your giggling got a bit loud and each time it happened, you would see his bloodshot eyes peek back at the two of you through the plane seats. You got an ugly feeling in your stomach every time you noticed him.

“Jungkook, your hands!” you giggled

“What about them?”

“We haven’t even been in this hotel room for five seconds and your hands are already on my ass!” you said as you turned around to face him.

“I can’t help it!”

“I know! The-“ his lips interrupted you. “whole plane - ride you were – trying to – get me to – “join the mile high”- “club”. Ya, Jungkook!”

“What?”

“I’m still mad at you!” you laughed

“Still?”

“Yes! You let me wake up all alone!”

Jungkook sat at the edge of the king sized bed and pulled you close. “But I was brushing my teeth!”

“But you didn’t even wake me up with a good morning like you always do! I couldn’t help but get freaked out… Plus, it felt like the first time we slept together and I woke up all alone and I didn’t like that feeling.” You pouted.

He groaned and fell back on the bed. “But you looked so cute sleeping! I didn’t want to wake you up.”

You crawled onto the bed and grabbed the one if the biggest pillows. You brought it over your head and threw it down at the unsuspecting boy’s chest. “I know, but then you had that fuck boys mirk of yours when I finally found you!” you grunted as you landed a heavy blow in him again.

“Ooooooh ok! That second hit was uncalled for!” he smiled. “Hit me one more time and see what happens!” he threatened with a bunny smile.

Without a second thought, you smacked the fluffy pillow on his face.

“Oh, you’re gonna get it!” His body rolled across the bed and he armed himself with the biggest pillow in the pile. “This calls for war!” he shouted, swinging the pillow aimlessly.

JIMIN POV

“C’mon Tae, open up, open up!” he thought. He peeked back over his shoulder towards Hiro’s room, paranoid that the disgusting ma was going to walk out at any moment. “Dammit Tae!”

“What’s up?” Finally V’s shining face appeared at the door.

“Hey, can I stay with you for a few hours? Hiro has been throwing looks at me since we left Malaysia.”

“No problem, but why don’t we go to Y/n and Jungkook’s room? She was looking better this morning. Plus, their room is on the other side of the hall”

“Yeah, let’s go, like now. I am too fucking paranoid.”

As they made it closer to Jungkook and Y/n’s room, they could hear muffled sounds coming from somewhere.

“Do you hear that?” V asked.

“Yeah, I wonder where it is coming from.”

“I bet there is some honeymooning couple here or something. Sounds too “odd” to be something innocent.” V smirked.

Jimin squinted at him. “I’m sorry, I thought I was walking around with Tae, not Jungkook.” He laughed.

The sounds only grew louder as they came to their destination. Both he and V threw each other a look as they heard the sounds more clearly. “What is that pounding sound?” V whispered.

Instantly, Jimin felt the failure pain in his chest. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart.

“Is that squealing- no, screaming?!?” V asked suddenly worried.

Jimin couldn’t get himself to listen anymore, he just began knocking frantically.

Suddenly a messy haired Y/n busted out of the room. “Save me!” she begged as she jumped behind the two of them. She laughed as she used them as a shield and put the pillow over her head for more protection.

Next Jungkook appeared, a pillow loaded above his head. “Oh hey guys!” he beamed, hiding the pillow behind his back.

Y/n giggled behind them, mostly clinging to V.

“What are you guys doing?” Jimin asked. All worries faded away seeing Y/n finally smiling. “Finally, she seems happy again.” He thought. “How could I have been jealous of those pictures. I should have been happy that Y/n even left the room. Now that I think about it, she looked happy in those pictures. What matters it that she is happy again.”

“Um, nothing.” Jungkook mumblied trying to catch his breath.

He looked over at again. Her twinkling eyes were peeking over his shoulder. “You liar!” She squeaked.

He put an arm around her. “Don’t tell me you are attacking our precious Y/n with a pillow!” Quickly, Y/n’s face fell, probably playing along with what he was starting.

“Um… No…” Jungkook huffed.

Jimin made intense eye contact with his fellow 95 liner. “Tae, you know what to do.” He said in a low voice.

V gave back an ominous nod. With a serious aura, he turned to y/n and held him hand out. “Pillow please.” Once equipped, he turned to the maknae. “Prepare to die.”

At exactly the same time, the two boys began attacking each other with their puffy weapons. He and Y/n watching as V got Jungkook to retreat back into the room. It wasn’t long before Jungkook got the upper hand and had him backed into the closet.

This was the moment where Jimin was able to make his move. He ran up behind Jungkook and pinned his arms behind his back.

“Jimin?!? What are you doing?!? Cheater!”

“Tae, quick!” He grunted as he struggled to hold back the boy he cared for so much.

Tae jumped out of the closet and took his revenge, unleashing his worst.

“Aaaaaaaah! Ouh! Noooooo, not the face!” Jungkook screamed with every hit. “Stop! Fake Jagi, help! Avenge me!”

“ok!” he ran back and grabbed Jungkook’s fallen pillow. “she quickly returned and began attacking him too.

“How dare you! How dare my fake jagi betray me!”

“You said to help, so I’m helping Tae!” she laughed.

“Agh! I surrender!” Jungkook cried as he collapsed dramatically

Jungkook’s limp body fell deeper into his arms and he enjoyed every second of it. He didn’t care that he was getting stray hit here and there from V and Y/n, he just like being so close to Jungkook.

BANGKOK LAST DAY

Every day you faced the likes of a guilty Suga. He never came up to you, he only ever just stared at you with sad and heavy eyes. You couldn’t stand it. There was a horrible mix of emotions every time you spotted him. It didn’t help that your other senses picked up on the presence of Rap monster’s boisterous last victim, Boonsri. Boonsri was a lot like Eunhee in that she was what one would consider “hot”. She was also not the shy type in any way, however she was probably the most naïve of all the girls. Rap monster played her like a flute and it was terrifying, no matter what he was saying she hung onto every word. Still, you felt guilty of her inevitable doom and the loss of the other girls was still heavy on your mind. You felt like what was happening to them was your fault. you had the chance to tell them to run, t you never did. you were always to scared what your consequence was going to be. In the end, you still wished it was all you instead.

There was only one way that you coped with it all and that was by throwing yourself all over Jungkook. Almost every night since the “anniversary” date, you willingly took part in playing with each other’s bodies to get everything out of your head. It never really worked, at least not for long anyway. It was always after doing the deed that a whole new set of worries came into your head. The thoughts of “Why the fuck did I do that?”, “How would Jimin react to this? Can I ever tell him? What do I do?”, “What if Namjoon busted in right now and caught us?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about Yoongi?”, always haunted you.

This night was no different from the last. Jungkook had barely closed the door to the room closed and his hands were already on you.

You smiled. “Finally we are alone.” You said as you turned around to pull him into a kiss. You walked back to your bed, pulling Jungkook with you until he was on top of you.

You nipped his neck immediately getting a reaction out of him. “Oh someone is feisty tonight.” He whispered into your ear.

“And what’s so wrong with that? You aren’t tired, are you?” you teased.

“I’m never too tired for you baby.”

Your hands went to unbuckled his pants, already feeling him hard against you.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. “Shit!” you both hissed. You both froze, waiting for another sound. For a long moment there was nothing. Jungkook spoke first. “… Ok, I think-“ again there was a knock.

“Who could it be?” you whispered.

“Um… You go check… I got a situation going on down here.” He said looking down at himself.

You slid off the bed, fixing your clothes as you looked through the peephole. Although you couldn’t see his face, the blotch of dyed hair gave away who he was. You quickly walked away from the door not wanting to see him. “It’s just Suga.” You huffed.

“Don’t tell me he wants our beer again.”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” You mumbled as you walked up to him.

Again there was a knock at the door. Jungkook looked at the door annoyed. “Let’s just ignore it. He’ll leave and annoy someone else.”

You had more frustration inside you that you wanted to let it out. You jumped on top of him, straddling his thighs and took his hands, placing them under your shirt. “Now where were we?”

You let out a yelp as he flipped you onto the bed and got back on top of you. He threw off his shirt and his lips came crashing down on you.

Again there was a knock on the door, this time followed by a call on Jungkook’s phone. Now you were out of the mood, upset even more. “Just answer the damn phone.” you grumbled. “It could be the monster.”

With much annoyance, Jungkook pulled out his phone, but quickly tossed it on the bed when he saw the caller ID. “Nope, it’s the drunk.”

“Let’s just get this over with.” Not caring for Jungkook’s protests, you got back up and opened the door. Coming face to face with a frowning Suga brought up the mix of feelings back up, but you maintained your blank expression.

“Y/n…” his voice gave out too soon. “… Y/n can we talk?”

You stuck to your word of not speaking to him and you only glared at him not saying anything.

His nerves intensified under your dark gaze and he looked all over, trying to find the courage to talk again. “Y/n… I-I… I need to apologize…” He finally said.

“For what?” Jungkook’s voice came up behind you.

Suga let out a frustrated sigh. “I just need to talk to her.”

“Y/n, do you want to talk to him?” Jungkook asked you in a way that was practically picking on Suga.

You couldn’t even get yourself to say no, you just closed the door in his face. Immediately Suga began knocking on the door frantically. “Y/n please!” you heard.

“Jagi, you don’t have to talk to him.” Jungkook reassured

You looked at the door. You couldn’t help but doubt yourself and part of you wanted to talk to him. “Yeah, I know.” You barely let out.

There was a weak knock at the door, signaling he was about to give up.

“Fuck it!” again you opened the door

Suga stood surprised that you actually opened up again.

You stared at him waiting for him to say something, say anything really.

“S-so can we talk?”

You nodded.

“Really?... Can we t-talk alone? Maybe in my room?” again he was scared to ask.

You turned around and faced Jungkook who was behind you. “You stay here, I’m going to his room.”

“You sure? What if Namjoon comes?”

“Then just take him to Suga’s room!” you instructed. You didn’t see the point in him worrying so much, you knew you weren’t going to be gone long, at least you weren’t going to let yourself be.

You sat on one end of his couch annoyed. “Why did he want to talk? Why can’t he just let me be mad at him?!? And seriously of all the times of the day, like now? Now he wants to talk?!?”

Suga sat about 2 feet away from you, still struggling to find the words to speak first. “So, uh… I’m… Well y/n… I first want to say sorry about what happened in Kuala Lumpar…”

You crossed your arms. “And what for exactly?” you asked harshly.

“Well, I had the necklace fixed!” He quickly got up and retrieved a small white cardboard box out of his laptop bag. He sat back down and offered it to you.

You looked down at the little jewelry box in his hand. You scoffed at him, “I don’t give a fuck about the damn necklace.”

His frown returned and he placed the box down on the coffee table. “…I’m sorry for getting drunk…” Finally he said an apology you actually wanted to hear.

You looked up at him “And?”

“And for doing so even after what you told us… I should have been there for you after that night… I fucked up…”

“You sure did!”

He hung his head low. “…I know…”

“I broke down in front of the two of you and neither one of you gave a fuck, neither one of you quit your shit for me!” you spat.

“I know…”

“Why? Why?!? If you knew, then why do it?!? If you know I hate it so much, if you know I need you guys?!? This is what I meant! You guys aren’t my friends! You guys don’t care about me! You only care about yourselves! Just tell me why! Why don’t I mean anything to you?!? Why make me feel close to you guys when neither of you fucking care?!?” you wiped away the tears that spilled out, not wanting to waste anymore on him.

Suga didn’t say anything, he just kept his head down.

“Well?!?... Seriously? You aren’t even going to fucking say anything?!?” You stood up from the couch. “You know what? Fuck you! I’m going back to my room!”

“Wait!”

You turned back to him. The shrunken version of the man you loved, now only stood a few feet in front of you. “Why the fuck should I?!?”

“Just let me explain? Please? Just please?”

“...Fine, but after this, I’m leaving!” you stated as you sat back down on the couch.

Suga sat down, this time a bit closer than before. He ran his hands over his blushed face before he spoke again. “Ugh, I know what I’m about to say isn’t a good enough reason…” He said softly. “Especially to you of all people… It’s just… I just… I-I can’t take any of it anymore… I’m still so stressed. This tour is taking a lot out of me… but a lot of it all deals with you… I hate seeing you and Jungkook together… I know it’s all fake but I hate it! I hate that I don’t trust you with the maknaes even when they are the ones that have been looking after you. I hate that my attempts to get Hiro to back off didn’t work, that he still hurt you. And for the life of me, I can’t stand the fact that you won’t talk to me, that you don’t trust me. I feel like I failed you…” his voice trembled.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and looked away from him.

“I mostly hate myself!” his voice cracked. His eyes were red and watery, “I hate that I couldn’t step up to the plate and be there for you when I should have. I lost sight of things and you are the one that’s getting hurt… What’s really getting to me lately is that I hate myself for what I let happened to Aik- Ai-“ He couldn’t even say her name before he broke.

You teared up too, remembering your interactions with Aiko and all the others. “So why do it, huh?!? Why didn’t you just pay her off?!? I was at that meeting too! Namjoon said you can just pay them! You have money! Why didn’t you do that?!?”

Suga shook his head. “She wouldn’t take it!” he whimpered. “When we all reported to Namjoon I told him Aiko wouldn’t take money. I didn’t have time to find anyone else, so he-he gave me no other choice than to coax her in!”

Your blood boiled. Every part of you wanted to physically slap some sense into him, but you didn’t. “Then you should have lied to him!” you practically screamed. “You should have told him you’d pay her and he would have backed off!”

“I didn’t think about that! It didn’t even come to me until it was too damn late! I was too tired and too stressed to think!” he cried.

“Bullshit! You “fought so hard for me”! Why didn’t you fight for her?!? Why didn’t you fight for Aik-“ even you couldn’t say her name. “…Why not for her? You seemed to care so much for her. Why did you let it all happen?!?”

“I did try!” He finally looked up at you. His eyes were as red as could be, even more so than when he’s hungover, the rest of his face was red as well and streaked with tears. “I tried so hard, but in the end, I didn’t want you hurt!”

You moved up to him. “I don’t care about being the fucking mule! I would have gladly done it so they didn’t have to!” you shouted, poking at his chest with every word.

“This wasn’t about being the fucking mule y/n!” he shouted over you. “I was selfish and I chose to protect you!”

Your face cringed at him. “What do you mean you chose me?!?”

“What do you think it means?!?... I went to Namjoon before we took off for the tour. I begged him to let Aiko walk away… Time after time, I begged him and every-single-mother-fucking -time he gave me the same ultimatum…” his voice fell. “He told me that if Aiko walks- If she walked, he’d kill you.” His bottom lips trembled. “I had to choose between you or Aiko… Y/n, I love you! I fucking love you and the thought of not having you in my life killed me! I was selfish and I wasn’t gonna let him take you from me!”

You looked at him through watery eyes not too sure of you could believe what he just said. Your lack of words got to him and he got off the couch and turned away from you.

You sat silently, taking in everything. Your mind was going a million miles an hour as you tried to wrap your head around everything. “Was that why Namjoon hasn’t killed me yet?!? Did Yoongi just say what I thought he said? Why didn’t he ever tell me this? Did he really mean it, does he actually love me?” Quickly your thoughts began to snowball and eventually you came to one major thought. “Would I have done the same thing for him?!?” you looked over at Suga who still had his back to you. “If I had to choose between Yoongi and someone else, who would I choose? Can I be without Yoongi?” Even these past weeks of not talking to him hurt so much. No matter how mad you were, you can’t picture a day without him around.

You walked up to him. Without notice, you hugged him. You couldn’t stand being away from him anymore.

He jumped at your touch and turned around. “Huh?”

“I love you.”

“What?” He asked in disbelief.

“I love you!” you repeated. You didn’t care anymore, you tiptoed so your lips could reach his.

Thankfully, he kissed back and you swore you felt a spark. The same spark you felt the first time you kissed. A spark you never felt with Jungkook no matter how many times you told yourself it was there.

He pulled out of the kiss making your heart fall, but he still held you close. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” His voice trembled.

“It’s okay.”

“No! I fucked up! I fucked everything up!”

“Shhh, it’s okay.” You whispered as you wiped his face with your sleeve.

He went through a small series of whimpers before he began to weep on your shoulder. You held him tight combing your fingers through his hair until he let it all out.

By the time he was calm, you both had moved to the couch. The two of you sat quietly letting everything sink in. You held his hand and eventually felt his thumb glide across your skin

You looked up at him, “Are you okay now?” you asked softly.

He shrugged “… That depends…” He voice was softer than yours.

“On?”

“Can you forgive me?” He was nervous to ask, it was obvious that he was.

You nodded. “But… are you ever gonna quit drinking?”

His answer wasn’t an immediate one and that didn’t make you feel so good. He thought about it for a bit before finally he answered with, “Yes… I’ll try”

“Yoongi, if you ever pull shit like that again, I will stop talking to you.” you said sternly. “I hate when you are drunk and I not going to waste whatever time I have left on your drunk ass. If you drink because you are upset, then come to me and tell me about. For whatever pushes you drink, you come to me instead.”

“…Ok” he said giving your hand a squeeze. He inched closer and you rested your head on his shoulder.

Again, there was silence for a long while until he broke it once more. “Y/n”

“Hm?”

“When we get back to Seoul tomorrow, I’ll be getting started on the album not long after the final concert… So I won’t be coming home with you guys for a while. I won’t really be home a lot in general…”

“...That’s fine” you lied. It hurt that you put so much space between the two of you and now that things were better, he’d be busy. Almost instantly did you throw away the idea of him sobering up. You knew how hard he pushed himself and that was one of the many reasons he drank. This whole making up thing was too good to be true.

“I’ll do my best to make time for you.” He reassured.

“You better!” you tried to smile, but you just couldn’t. “But make time to sleep and eat too.”

The corners of his lips curled up. “I will.” Finally, a smile, that was something you haven’t gotten out of him in a long time.

You looked down at your hand in his, feeling complete for the first time in a long time, but it was just then that you remembered your relationship with Jungkook. “…Also, let’s not have anyone know about our feelings for each other, not even Hoseok. I don’t wasn’t the monster finding out…” Nor did you want Jungkook ever knowing about the two of you. “…But also, I want to take this slow. I need some time to trust you again.”

“Yeah, of course.”

“You were gone for a while; how did it go?” Jungkook asked you as you walked past him.

You did what you could to avoid his eyes. “Uh… emotional.”

He appeared next to you with a look of concern on his face. “A good emotional or a bad emotional?”

You shrugged, still not looking him in the eye. “Good… We are cool now.”

He nodded, not looking too happy about your answer. You felt him grab your wrist and he pulled you into a hug, but you didn’t reciprocate. “Well, I’m proud of you Jagi. It must have been hard to have to talk things out with him.”

You no longer felt comfortable by his touch. It all of a sudden felt so wrong now. You had to break up with him, but now wasn’t the best time. “I’ll do it when we are back in Seoul.” You thought. You pulled away from him. “Um… Let’s go to sleep before Namjoon gets back. I’m really tired now anyway. It’s been a long night.” You told him.

So... How do you guys feel about that confession? Do you guys like this Suga x y/n thing or do you want her to stay with Jungkook???????

52 notes · View notes

roidespd-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter Six : L AS IN LESBIAN

THE STORY OF SAPPHO OF LESBOS

Sappho (630–570 BC) was a Greek poetess from the island of Lesbos, located in the northeastern Aegan Sea. Sappho (or as some would call her “The Tenth Muse” or “The Poetess”) was known for her lyric poetry, usually written to be sung while accompanied by a lyre. Over the centuries, most of Sappho’s poetry was lost, except for one complete poem :

ODE TO APHRODITE Iridescent-throned Aphrodite, deathless Child of Zeus, wile-weaver, I now implore you, Don’t — I beg you, Lady — with pains and torments Crush down my spirit,

But before if ever you’ve heard my pleadings Then return, as once when you left your father’s Golden house; you yoked to your shining car your Wing-whirring sparrows

Skimming down the paths of the sky’s bright ether On they brought you over the earth’s black bosom, Swiftly — then you stood with a sudden brilliance, Goddess, before me;

Deathless face alight with your smile, you asked me What I suffered, who was my cause of anguish, What would ease the pain of my frantic mind, and Why had I called you

To my side: “And whom should Persuasion summon Here, to soothe the sting of your passion this time? Who is now abusing you, Sappho? Who is Treating you cruelly?

Now she runs away, but she’ll soon pursue you; Gifts she now rejects — soon enough she’ll give them; Now she doesn’t love you, but soon her heart will Burn, though unwilling.

Come to me once more, and abate my torment; Take the bitter care from my mind, and give me All I long for; Lady, in all my battles Fight as my comrade.

Though not much is known of Sappho’s life, her work speaks of a great admiration and fascination for the beauty of women. Fragmented biography written on papyrus states that Sappho was accused by some of being “irregular in her ways and a woman-lover” but it does not prove anything at all. It cannot be denied that the remaining 650 lines from her body of work portray homoerotic feelings. The conclusion of this is nobody knows Sappho’s life. That didn’t stop them from originated the word Lesbian from her place of origin.

ETY-HOMO-LOGY

The term Lesbianism, to describe erotic relations between women, had been documented as early as 1870. By 1890, the term Lesbian was used in a medical dictionary. Synonyms from the early 20th century include invert (which seems to be the equivalent of our “butch” term), homosexual and… sapphist.

Interestingly, far less was written by medical professionals about lesbianism as it was viewed as a lesser problem than male homosexuality. In some cases, it was not acknowledged to exist at all. We could talk about the works of sexologists Ebing (Germany) and Ellis (UK) but they believed a woman’s attraction to another woman could be either medically reversed or vanish after the woman had experiences marriage and a “practical life”. They also indicated that homosexual men has behaviors that should not be considered a criminal vice. So.. Yeah ? Misogyny wins ?

LESBIANISM AS AN IDENTITY

As a cis gay man with no rights to give a personal opinion to what is and isn’t considered lesbianism, please acknowledge I’m only reporting previous theories and opinions that were stated by more or less qualified people than me.

It seems that the act of sexual relationships between two women is still up for debate as to be defined as lesbianism. According to feminist writer Naomi McCormick, Lesbianism was mostly constructed by men, whose primary indicator of lesbian sexual orientation is sexual experience with other women. As I believe sexuality is a spectrum and not a series of boxes to check, I would tend to agree with that statement. But I will not give more of an opinion on the subject. She also stated that emotional, mental and ideological connections between women are as important or more so than the genital. As the definition of lesbianism was clearly unfocused depending on who you were talking to, and the rise of feminism in the second part of the 20th century, women felt safer claiming to be more sexually adventurous, allowing them to be feel more accepted by the male gaze. In the 1980s, a significant movement rejected the sexualization of lesbianism which became part of a heated controversy called the feminist sex wars. The movement is built to counter the idea that women is long-term relationships with other women were having less sexual contact that heterosexual or homosexual male couples, calling this “Lesbian Bed Death”.

The idea is that a woman that does not identify her sexual feelings toward persons of her sex as lesbianism and does not engage if long-term emotional attachment will keep on being sexually viable in the eyes of society. Using the word “lesbianism” as a death sentence on your sex life, putting you right in the category of asexual beings. Misogyny wins again ?

In direct consequence with the male gaze and the construction of the word lesbianism by male minds, homosexual women from western culture often adopted lesbianism as an identity itself. As most people are taught that heterosexuality is an innate quality in all people, women who realize her romantic and sexual attraction to other women go through an ‘existential crisis’. The identity of a lesbian, challenging what society had offered in stereotypes about homosexuals and learning to function within a homosexual subculture. From that perspective came the stereotypes that were naturally reused in the media as to make the whole thing comprehensible to heterosexuals with no capacity for nuances.

STERE-HO-TYPES

First, let’s talk about what other dumb people can think about a lesbian : 1. Lesbians just haven’t been with the right guy yet — There is no right guy. 2. Men molested them as children and turned them into lesbians — sexual identity cannot be changed to any events whatsoever. And why do you have to associate that to tragedy ? 3. In every lesbian couple, one has to be the man — Men are useless most of the time. You don’t need your idea of a man. 4. Lesbian hate men — I don’t think they do. But do men hate lesbians ? The idea of, no. Them ? Probably a very emasculating thought. 5. It’s not real sex if there’s no penis — you clearly never had good oral sex in your life. 6. All lesbians use strap-ons/No lesbians use strap-ons — there are contradictory reports. Do that I say the fuck do you care ? It’s not your concern!

We also have the two main categories of lesbians that are absolutely and definitely real and nothing else because otherwise, how are we gonna understand those people ?

If you are a lesbian (and we highly doubt that cause you haven’t met the right guy yet), you are a butch or a femme. As everything had to be either masculine or feminine in gender, sex or identity studies, even lesbians adopted that way of thinking in the last century. A US study from the 90s showed that “95% of lesbians are familiar with butch/femme code and can rate themselves or others in terms of those codes”. Those two clichés of what a lesbian should be also created debates inside the community, subculture and the feminist movement. For some, the sexual and romantic association of butch and femme was a replication of heterosexual relations while other commentators argue that, while it resonates with heterosexual patterns of relations, butch-femme simultaneously challenges it. A lot of theoretical talk for something people don’t seem to totally understand.

NO BI, BI, BI

Lesbians in western cultures generally create an identity that parallels those built on ethnicity : they have a shared history and subculture (as gay man do but more focused), a similar experience with discrimination (homophobic AND misogynistic) which has caused many of them to reject heterosexual principles. It created a point of contention with the ideas of a bisexual woman and a lesbian who once had sexual relationships with men. Lesbians who have never had sex with men may be referred to as “gold star lesbians” while those who have may face ridicule and rejection from others. Bisexual women also face, more so than in heterosexual relationships, identity challenges with regard to defining what it means to be interested in women. I had a conversation the other day with someone who happens to be a gay woman about what she was looking for in a girl. I scanned for people I might know and talked about a friend of mine, single as well. It seemed that the bisexuality of my friend was a point of no return, as she did not want to engage with someone “who didn’t know what she wanted”. As I’m going to cover the B in LGBT in another article real soon, I won’t get to far in that particular area today. Though I need to insist right now (and yes, this is a fact AND an opinion) : Bisexuality is not a half-way stop to homosexuality. There is not transition. Saying you’re bisexual while you are actually gay is something a 15 year-old confused teenager would say out of fear of being rejected. A grown-ass woman does not have that fear. She knows exactly who she is just as you do. B as in Bisexual… coming soon.

LESBIAN REPRESENTATION

If I say Lesbian, you say Ellen ! Lesbian! Ellen ! Lesbian ! Ellen ! As I’m also covering Ellen in the future, I won’t get too much into that right now. Yes, Ellen Degeneres is probably the most famous (and possibly richest) lesbian in the world. And though she broke barriers, she was not the first.

Selma Lagerlöf, first woman to be awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature. Jane Adams, first woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Julia Morgan, first woman admitted to the Ecole des Beaux-Arts. Lili Elbe, first identified recipient of gender confirmation surgery (Yes, transgender woman can also be lesbians as sexuality and gender are two different things). Eleanor Roosevelt, first lady of the United States (still disputed by many though). Marguerite Yourcenar, first woman elected to the Académie Française. Interesting to notice that while I was researching those names, many of them (Joséphine Baker, Frida Kahlo) were bisexual women, showing that even now, bisexuality is not accepted as face value and just another name of lesbianism for women.

In literature, The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith (1951) comes to mind, depicting the first-ever “happy ending” for a lesbian couple. The release of the book was so scandalous at the time the author had to use a pseudonym. Following the Stonewall Riots, lesbian themes multiplied in more diverse and complex themes, though mostly through essays on feminism and sexuality. Important lesbian writers to read are Rita Mae Brown and Audre Lorde, to name a few.

In cinema, openly lesbian content in mainstream films began appearing during the 1990s, exploring sympathetic lesbian characters. By 2000, some films portrayed characters beyond issues of sexual orientation, reflecting a wider need to see lesbianism as more than sexual desire. Unfortunately, most mainstream films with lesbian protagonists are directed by heterosexual male directors. 2001’s Mulholland Drive put two women in a grotesque exposure of their sexual desires. 2013’s Palme d’Or winner Blue is the Warmest Color (La Vie d’Adèle Partie 1&2) gives us the most explosively graphic lesbian sex scenes in recent memory, though it was received by some lesbian communities as exploitative and offensive. Summer of Love (2004) is a great indie movie with delicate use of lesbian themes and characters but it was directed by Pawel Pawlikowski.

In television, lesbians were largely ignored for quite a while. Not until 1962 were there mentioned in reports concerning female homosexuality. On scripted shows, the word “lesbian” was never heard of, instead using codes like “villain” or “neurotic”. In the 80s, L.A. Law included a lesbian relationship in one of their storylines, causing outrage. Sci-Fi shows of the 90s implied more than stated that characters were gay. It really only changed with Ellen’s 1997 Puppy Episode (more on that later, I told you). After that milestone, Soap operas included a couple of lesbians here and there, cable shows tried it too. The L Word was created by Showtime as a response to the network’s own Queer as Folk. Though not a great show in terms of writing and pacing, it remains an important landmark in lesbian history and is getting rebooting in the next few months.

I do believe the bigger, brighter and thoughtful representation of a lesbian romance was in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But even then, the network did not want the two lesbian characters to kiss on screen (they had to wait over a year after the met for depicting the smallest kiss in the face of grief). In our golden age of television, we have the likes of Orange is the New Black, The Fosters, characters on Grey’s Anatomy, American Horror Story, Orphan Black. Not enough, but a start.

Overall, the lack of representation in the media justified the accumulation of basic lesbian clichés put together by society and the community itself.

IN CONCLUSION

Is lesbianism an identity ? If not, were lesbians force to assume this as their primary identity as a way to get ground and recognition ? That L is important. They have it rough. But not as ruff as Black Lesbians.

0 notes

maintaintherage · 6 years ago

Text

For those of you who have seen my post on Facebook this week, I am Fat. I would love to sugar coat it, but I am afraid I would eat that too. I am sick of being fat. I am sick of being short of breath when I bend over. I am sick of sweating profusely at the slightest effort. But most of all, my chances of being taken away from my children prematurely is becoming too high.

My weight has always been an issue for as long as I can remember. I have never been what could be called a small lad. Whether due to inactivity, genes, diet or otherwise I always carried a little extra. In the past 10 years I have had varying degrees of success and failure with my weight. January 2008 I was 149kg. It was the heaviest I had ever been. I was disgusted in myself but had no real incentive to change. That is until I decided to join the Navy. I knew that I would have to lose 50kg in 12 months for them to accept my application. I began to restrict my intake, but not in any meaningful way, just halving everything I used to eat. I also added at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. It wasn’t anything fancy, just step up on a homemade step and weights using the heaviest thing I could find around the home. It worked, some how, I lost enough to join, I was still around 100kg, but it was the lowest I had been in a while. During my first six months of being in the Navy I lost more weight and hovered 2-3 kilos either side of 95kg. I found pretty quickly that if I continued to eat reasonably sensibly I could maintain 95kg reasonably easily.

The photos above are all of me at or around 95 kg. Unfortunately due to surgical procedures, recoveries, and depression my weight didn’t always stay at 95kg. I can think of 5 different occasions since 2009 that my weight has gone from 95kg to 120kg+ and back again. Sometimes it took a change in diet to bring back the weight, other times I lost the weight because of the intensity of work, but I have found recently that it is harder to accomplish. Randomly and without direction, changing my diet was not the answer, finding time to exercise, and the persuasion, was difficult. So this time I employed the help of a dietician. I have seen their methods through work, and I knew that my diet was going to be the hardest thing to sort out. So after a snappy referral from my GP I was underway.

The only thing I was apprehensive about talking to the dietician about was the concept of Lite, Diet, or other similar labels. Whenever I see these labels I just think “Chemical S**tstorm”. I was concerned that they would just force the idea of diet and lite products. I was relieved when the dietician did not go down this path. We had a discussion about my current eating habits, like and dislikes, allergies, and goals. The dietician formulated a plan that began with a daily limit of 7000Kj, which is too restrictive when you think the recommended Australian intake is 8700Kj. We then divided the daily amount into three meals of 1900Kj and two snacks of 600Kj, for those astute mathematicians out there yes that does only equate to 6900Kj. We then discussed foods for different times of day, thankfully the dietician didn’t eliminate any foods, just suggested either alternatives or self control. So with a plan under my belt and a new app to help guide me, Easy Diet Diary, I went home and started to come up with menu items for various parts of the day that were easy, healthy, and suited the Kilojoule restriction. I am still working out the best way to stay full after a meal. Some meals easily last the 4-5 hours between meals, others don’t seem to make it half way to where you could sensibly have a snack. The other hurdle to overcome is work. Though I get meal breaks they aren’t necessarily at the same time, and with shifts like Night Duty where there is an almost 12 hour gap between meals there needs to be a substantial meal leading into, and a decent snack in the middle. It will take time to perfect but I am confident I can get it to work for me.

From my meeting with the dietician I did get a body scan. This calculates your weight, your muscle mass, bone weight, and fat weight. It is to be taken with a grain of salt though as it is a fancy scale with some BioElectrical Impedance sensors on them. But it gives you a guide to work from, and shows the changes as you continue on the journey. Below is the print out from my scan. The long and short of below is I weighed 131.7kg, 47kg is Skeletal Muscles, and 49.4kg is just hard up Fat. Of that fat I am carrying a lot of Visceral Fat, more than twice what is recommended. Visceral Fat is the deep abdominal fat that covers your organs. It is tricky to reduce and can be dangerous if there is too much of it. I need to reduce my overall fat amount, and I DEFINITELY need to reduce my visceral fat amount.

And that brings us to where we are now, and the way forward. The plan is to continue on the 7000Kj restriction until my dietician tells me otherwise, weekly home weighs on Wednesday with an updated mug shot, and a new post every Wednesday with the Weight, Photos, updated scans, and Meals that worked and Meals that didn’t work through the week so that others who want to start their own Journey can. You can continue to follow the journey here at Maintain The Rage via the Weight Loss Category page, or following the Weight Loss Album on Facebook.

To get the ball rolling the picture above is my starting point. It doesn’t seem that bad from the photos but there is a lot of fat on there that could be gone. By publicly showing these images I hope to stay accountable and stay on track. I thank all of you in advance for your support in this venture. If anyone has a favourite or go to low Kilojoule meal, that doesn’t have seafood or walnuts in them, feel free to share them on any of the Weight Loss posts, or send them to me directly using the Connect page.

Maintain the Rage

Luke Sondergeld

For those of you who have seen my post on Facebook this week, I am Fat. I would love to sugar coat it, but I am afraid I would eat that too. I am sick of being fat. #WeightLoss #SeeLessOfMe #MaintainTheRage For those of you who have seen my post on Facebook this week, I am Fat. I would love to sugar coat it, but I am afraid I would eat that too.

0 notes