#This is literally my favorite scene too - Give us more of that dang it

[lethargicmouse]

lizzie and tommy (:

I’ve always been a fan of Lizzie. I found her character so interesting, solely because I found her to be so tough, but also have so much love and femininity to her. However, I also liked Grace– she was strong and cunning and dang she fell for a gangster! However, I felt her character was underbaked (because she literally died. Great for Tommy’s character development– bad for Grace). What prompted me to write this all out was me running out of Lizzie and Tommy fics to read and turning to Tommy and Grace fics. The first (and frankly only one I read), was Thomas Shelby laughs in his sleep, or at least he used to.  by @i-just-look-at-pictures on AO3, and it really fleshed out Grace’s character for me, it filled in the holes in their relationship that the show didn’t cover. It made me realize how stark (haha), the differences between both relationships are. Grace gave us the forbidden love, marriage trope, love at first sight type deal whereas Lizzie gives us the redemption arc (literally RUBY.) and a slow burn. 

In my first watch-through of Peaky Blinders I loved Tommy and Grace’s dynamic– and I still do; however, after watching it back it was not the most healthy thing on the planet. But really what relationship with a man like Tommy can be? For me Tommy’s love for Grace was an obsession– she was a perfect posh girl and man, how could a girl like her fall in love with a guy like him?! But she did, because Tommy really liked her so he was soft Tommy with her. (That is why she fell in love with him, not like May who liked him for the thrill of a gangster– no shame on May, though. She is a strong woman who knows who she is. And I would totally fall for a hot gangster, too.) Grace challenged Tommy in ways women hadn’t before (excluding Polly because she’s more like a mother figure to him); however, she accepted him for the dirty gangster he was and didn’t try to fix him (because she was just as dirty as he was. Also, a lot of people say that Grace was Tommy in girl form– but helloooo ADA?!). For me, this is neither good nor bad, well maybe a little bad. Like I said before, Grace challenged him, but not in the ways that I feel like could’ve benefitted Tommy as a person, but then again Tommy wouldn’t have dared to soil his perfect Grace with the dirty dealings of the illegal business. So it was a fault all around, really, in my opinion. Grace could’ve thrived in the illegal business dealings (she’s a smart girl!), but it was the illegal business that was her demise. (I don’t believe for a second Lizzie had any intention of starting a war, and she didn’t start it. John did. Lizzie just wanted a normal life. But did she really like Angel, orrr was he a distraction from Tommy? We all know the truth.) Tommy ruined Grace, but look at how her death ruined him. Her apparition (originating from the stupid drugs) is the personification of his guilt. Grace doesn’t call him to the afterlife– his guilt for his gang business does! 

Lizzie however, was different. She was involved in the dirty business from the beginning. She knew who Tommy was pre-war, and she knows who he is now. And look at how she hoisted herself up out of the gutter. She took those typing classes to stop whoring. She tried to get out of it with John (but we all know how that went– and I personally don’t think that was Tommy keeping Lzzie for himself, that was Tommy protecting John). She took the initiative to clean up her life and Tommy just aided her in the fact by giving her a job (truthfully, all he has ever helped her with was money). Regardless of all that, I truly believe (and it’s evident–blatantly obvious even) that she was in love with Tommy from the beginning. Two of my favorite Tommy and Lzzie scenes are as follows: the one where she asks him to pretend like they’re ordinary people (kills me every time. Hurts my soul. My poor baby Lizzie girl.) and the typewriter scene where he offers her the job (the manner in which he went about it was stunning. I would’ve died.) 

As the story goes, Tommy goes back to Lizzie relatively quickly after Grace dies (excluding the Tatiana madness). I’ve seen posts that blame Lizzie for this, that she jumped on Tommy after Grace died because she was jealous. I have no doubt in my mind she was jealous– but she has enough decorum to withhold that and act like a lady. Lizzie grounds Tommy. Yes, they were toxic (My property? Not cool. Infidelity? Not healthy! Telling her to abort the baby? Nooo thanks– and she was so excited! “A piece of me and you” CRYING); however, I feel like they understood each other on another level. They’ve known each other for what, 15+ years? And they’ve been married for what, 8 of those years? Gosh, they know each other inside and out. Their relationship, obviously, is very sexually based. Lizzie was a whore for pity’s sake, and Tommy himself is probably the biggest whore on the show (literally seducing poor Jessie Eden for personal gain?!). I’m sure Lizzie was able to read Tommy like an open book and vice versa! Just look at how they push each other's buttons! Him telling her he still pays her for it, and her giving him the bullets in the mud. Neither was a good situation– a) that’s a horrific way to push someone when you know that bothers them b) that is not how you deal with a suicidal person. But look at all that harm and trauma we see they cause each other because of years of hurt from each other and others.  This is where we see Lizzie break for the first time, in my opinion. For her family comes first, even over her one-sided love, and Tommy was willing to break that family. 

Lizzie’s two best qualities (but perhaps it was also these that lead to her demise) were her unwavering loyalty and her ability to care. The former is probably why I relate to her so much. Even after Tommy screwed up her first chance at a normal life with John, left her to get raped at Epsom, told her she was property, let Diana publicly humiliate her, mocked her attempts at divorce, told her to abort their child, (I’m sure there’s more) she stayed. Because she freaking loved him and cared for him. He trusted her as a secretary to have a foot in both businesses, but he never trusted her like he trusted Grace (which is completely ironic to me because Grace betrayed all of them. But look at how much he is like Lizzie in this way. Forgiving personal transgressions because you love them sooooo much.), because he trusted Grace with his head– not the business. Lizzie was the opposite. Her loyalty to him was intertwined with her ability to care. Like the man himself said, “It was you who stopped my heart from breaking”. I’m not the best writer, but aniray conveys this perfectly in their fic A Bit of Soft (In a Broken Place). Lizzie is always there for him and cares for him. She fulfills his needs. Her ability to care was shown really, though, with the children. Charlie calls her mum (which I know a lot of people don’t like– but she took the child of the woman who she probably was jealous of and genuinely loved him as her own) and Charlie’s bond with Ruby is so adorable. Lizzie was meant to be a mom! And Tommy gave her that. And like I said earlier when Tommy was willing to give up his fatherly duties to be reunited with Grace, Lizzie reminded him of his duties at home (albeit in a not-so-nice way). Because that’s what really important to her. The well-being of those children. And that’s what finally drove her to leave, was Tommy’s craziness about Ruby’s illness and his lack of presence at her death. There is no doubt in my mind Tommy loved Ruby, and he really went to the ends of the earth to save her. But when he wasn’t there to hold her hand (and Lizzie’s hand) as she died, that’s what did it. Not the infidelity, not the sham of a marriage, not the drugs (she knew what she signed up for. A marriage for looks. She was ok with being the one who cared more.), but the lack of care (in the way she thought, and really it was the way that he needed to be, mattered). This is also why she couldn’t have been the black cat. A) She wanted to get as far away from her whoring days so she isn’t talking to Mosely B) she loves Tommy too much (to her own disgust) to betray him like that C) it’d hurt her family D) She was for sure at that violin recital! She wouldn’t’ve missed it for the world!

But really he did love her, Lizzie– definitely like he loved his family (she was family), and I think he definitely had the potential to be in love with her. He’s now realizing that she was essential to his life (because he likes nice, soft things). However, Lizzie (thank goodness) has realized he’s never brought anything good into her life (excluding Ruby, her angel), and the hurt outweighs the crumbs of kindness and left him. She doesn’t deserve him. Like I said earlier Lizzie, I believe, will be the catalyst for his redemption (Just look at how Ruby saved him!). Yes. They are toxic and their relationship in the show is most certainly not healthy one bit! But, there is potential for love. 

Here’s some fic recs that really illustrate their relationship:

For me all of these authors are amazing, I just stick to Lizzie/Tommy really. No Tommy/Alfie for me. All are on Ao3

@aniray:

* a lot of these are things that happened in the show with alternate happenings. The third one down though is stunning though. Like bro, it’s canon for me! 

Open Hands

A Touch of Change

A Bit of Soft (In a Broken Place)

A Different Kind of Love

Into the Mist

Slipping into Dreams

Everything

@deadendtracks :

*these two are series

Get it wrong, get it right

Possibility of a Blade

justrosey:

Someone is digging your grave right now, someone is drawing a bath to wash you      clean

No more canaries in the mine

@divinekangaroo:

*series

The Last Second Ending

Emma_Perlman:

*series that’s au after season 6! Redemption! Strong Lizzie!!

The Siren Sings

@xxsparksxx :

*series

Armistice

@emjenenla :

Even though you don’t mean to hurt me, you keep tearing me apart

ANYWAY! Please talk to me about them I'm losing my mind.

[pttucker]

Danmei Novel Rec - I Can Do It

Hello there! Do you like social media fics, livestreaming fails, or celebrity-fan interactions? How about age gap relationships with some light idol/fan power imbalance? Relationships with a more experienced, forward, and slightly dominant top and an absolute terror of a bottom who deletes entire decades off the life of his coach but is suddenly "a fairly well-behaved kid" every time his captain is anywhere in the vicinity? Are you interested in an absolutely hilarious, fluffy novel where you get to see your soon-to-be-favorite pro gamers completely demolish another team in multiple League of Legends matches? And then get in trouble for publicly calling them trash.

Well then I have just the novel for you!

I Can Do It (我行让我来) by Jiang Zi Bei (酱子贝)

Jian Rong looks so sweet and innocent here. You'd never know he was Public Enemy Number One for literally every LoL player ever.

...Well, almost every LoL player.

Novel Updates Link

So guess who just read their very first danmei novel? 😊 Which is really weird to think about since I've been reading BL for decades, but I guess it's always been in comic form.

This was probably a bad novel to start with tbh since it was really unbelievably fun (and funny) and had so many tropes I liked, with said tropes being repeated over and over and over again.

Seriously I think Jian Rong gets caught in 4k simping for Lu Boyuan like 40 times, including 20 times by Lu Boyuan himself, and every single time it recharged my life battery for an entire week.

I've probably unintentionally raised the bar for the next novel far too high by reading ICDI before anything else.

That said, I totally recommend this novel if you're like me and adore reading social media AUs on AO3 or like seeing quick-witted, genuinely talented people completely own others (and then get owned in turn by their very own fans lmfao).

It's a really relaxed, cute romance with steady but slow progress (seriously this is a SLOOOOOW burn), where most of the romantic conflicts are pretty much always resolved in the next chapter, if not the same one. That said, the top is actually pretty dang forward and not really all that subtle about his interest (both to Jian Rong and to the world at large) and I loved that the "cool, aloof" character was openly asking his fans for the link to Jian Rong's secret Lu Boyuan simp account on chapter freaking ten.

I will mention that this is only an M-rated, possibly even just 15+ rated, romance so if you're hoping for some hardcore XXX smut to pay off the slowburn, you won't get it here. You will however get some really suggestive text that doesn't try to hide what happened offscreen, as well as being able to see Jian Rong's soul attempt to leave his body after Lu Boyuan buys him ointment for his poor abused you know what. Which Lu Boyuan gives him in front of his own mother. Because he really is that unrepentant.

Most of the tension comes from the actual LoL matches themselves, with the novel really focusing on Jian Rong, AKA Soft, becoming a pro player. So if you are a hardcore romance-focused reader this might not be for you since there are entire chapters dedicated just to describing matches. But trust me, if you're even remotely into that sort of thing they are so, soooo satisfying and the Tiny Salt team does an amazing job of explaining LoL terms for us noobs.

Speaking of which, this novel has been recently announced as being licensed, so if you want to read it on the website I linked, I suggest you get on it pronto!

Anyway, here's some fun scenes to help entice you:

(It was so hard picking just a few)

[Crap wait a sec, look at the first program on the streamer’s taskbar!!!] Jian Rong stared blankly before turning to look at his own taskbar—[StarTV_R-ong’s Personal Homepage] ………it was the homepage of the side account that he had just opened in order to load money onto it. Before Jian Rong could react, someone had already sent out a comment saying that they had successfully found the side account’s personal homepage. Darkness flashed across Jian Rong’s vision. “Wait a moment, I can explain…”

(Narrator Voice) He can't explain.

Jian Rong wasn’t interested in group chats, nor did he know what to say. He swept a glance over the chat before he went to put down his phone and continue playing ranked. [R: @R-ong] [R-ong: Hello everyone, very pleased to meet you all.] A few seconds later. [R-ong: [rose]]

Instant change of attitude. 🤣

"R" is, of course, Road, AKA Lu Boyuan. As you can see, Jian Rong is very well-behaved... for at least one individual.

“You’re… still going to stream?” Ding-ge said hesitantly, “Maybe you shouldn’t stream for the next few days, and don’t look at all that stuff on Weibo or Tieba either. Right now, there are a lot of moronic antis who are stirring things up about you online.” “I’m just going to casually cheat out some gifts.” Jian Rong skillfully adjusted his peripherals. “Also, why does someone else have to stir things up about me? I can do it myself.” Ding-ge still wanted to stop him, but Jian Rong had already pressed down on the “start stream” button. What the eyes don’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve over. Ding-ge covered his eyes and walked away.

Poor Ding-ge. He must have killed three people in his previous life to deserve Jian "I am perfectly capable of starting a fight on my own" Rong in this one.

Jian Rong had just typed out “dumbass” when the practice room door opened. Lu Boyuan had draped a random jacket over himself, and he was wearing a disheveled short-sleeved shirt inside and loose pajama pants on the bottom. The string on the front of his pants weren’t even tied. He stuffed both hands in his pockets and walked over to stand behind Jian Rong. “Insulting someone?” Lu Boyuan had slept for a while, causing some exhaustion to seep into his voice. Jian Rong: “…” He blinked blankly for a moment before he deleted the word he had typed out and said, “No, it was a typo.”

Did I mention earlier that he doesn't only get caught by his fans? He gets caught by Lu Boyuan all. the. time. Doing all kinds of things.

Lmfao rest in peace, Jian Rong.

Yuan Qian: “Don’t worry, it’ll happen soon. Maybe Pine will bring a sister-in-law back for you tomorrow.” Xiao Bai shook his head. “Not a chance. With his poker face, I bet he’ll still be an old single virgin by the time he’s thirty.” Youyou said, “You could just find a girlfriend yourself, problem solved.” Pine raised his eyes.

The side ship! It's not nearly as focused on as the main ship, of course, but it's so sweet and they even have their own little mini story about getting together in the novel extras. 🥰

Upon seeing how many comments Jian Rong was receiving in the barrage, Xiao Bai felt like this marketing tactic was quite effective. He was about to copy it when he saw the number of viewers in his stream suddenly decrease dramatically. In the span of a few seconds, over four thousand viewers dropped. He turned pale with fright. “Damn, I haven’t even shown my socks yet, how come you all ran away! …oh, my ge started streaming? That’s fine then.” The instant Lu Boyuan started his stream, the viewer counts in all the other LoL streams would always drop. Never mind the TTC members, even the other LoL streamers were used to it by now. Lu Boyuan leaned back in his chair, eating his youtiao. His hair was disheveled, and he sat in a careless manner. He was idling on the game client and clicked on the PC version of Happy Fight the Landlord as he chatted lazily with the barrage. “Mn, a task assigned by our manager, marketing the merch.”

I included this one because ngl Lu Boyuan gave me vague "Yoo Joonghyuk getting to actually be a pro gamer" vibes and the feeling of reading a tilted ORV No Scenarios AU was one of the things that first drew me into this novel. (Though I can happily say that Lu Boyuan very quickly became his own person.) That said, I adore canons where you have something of an OP "Protagonist" who's just the best and so I was thrilled to see that ICDI really emphasized Lu Boyuan's fame, talent, and respect in the community.

“The things I said in the interview,” Jian Rong paused for a second. “Will I be penalized for it?” Ding-ge hiked up an eyebrow, somewhat surprised. “Why would you be penalized?” Jian Rong: “I insulted Rish and called him a dog.” Lu Boyuan almost burst out laughing.

Jian Rong is a national treasure, your honor.

Lu Boyuan: “There are security cameras in the stairwell.” Jian Rong immediately went silent. He sucked in a deep breath and raked a hand through his hair. “Forget it then, let’s go back and practice…” Lu Boyuan straightened upright. Before Jian Rong could turn around, Lu Boyuan gripped his wrist and pulled him over to the corner, pressing him against the wall. Not much noise was produced with this movement, and the subpar sound-activated lights swiftly went dark.

😏

(They're just making out.)

(For now.)

[tamiveldura]

I'm autistic and have ADHD, and I'm a chronic illness spoonie, and I'm here to tell you that A System is your friend. You don't have to write every day. You don't even have to write once a week. But you do need a system or routine that you can activate when it's Project Time.

I have been writing to-deadline for about 6 years now. I have never missed a deadline, but a few of those first ones were skin-of-the-teeth and I've been perfecting my systems ever since so that never happens again. I can't handle the stress.

The deadline is not a healthy motivator. Though my ADHD peeps will agree that it is effective. I've spent the last 6 years figuring out how to avoid Crunch Time.

The answer is a system.

I do not write every day. I do not track wordcount. I tried both of those and they don't work for me. (Maybe they work for you. Try it, but try other things too. Don't force it.)

Your system will be unique to you. But you'll figure it out by trying other systems on until you assemble the pieces that work.

My process looks like this:

Idea or deadline: either I've thought of a genius plot or I've chosen to tackle a project with other people (like a multi author series, or an anthology). Both of these trigger a new file in my scrivener wherever the story belongs.

Setup: I have a brainstorm document, an outline document, a draft document, a notes document. These keep the project contained.

Ideating: most writers really love this stage of a project, it's where all the great excitement of discovery lies. I dump all of this into my brainstorm document.

Plotting: works very well for me. Might not work for you. I organize all the tangled things in the brainstorm document into a structure. I check the beats of my chosen tropes. I hunt down plot holes. I scene block characters and action sequences in very rough terms just so I have large movement gestures. Emotional arc.

Drafting: not my favorite task, NGL. I dictate the initial draft and it's not good. I'm not trying to come up with beautiful words and amazing turns of phrase. I could, but it would make this part take 10x as long and it doesn't need to. Often this is a very dull series of simple sentences just to work my way through each scene. My goal here is to literally convert the plotting notes into the correct tense and sequence of events. Nothing more.

Revision: I like this part because I don't have to do the heavy lifting of "what happens next?" I already know what happens, now I get to make it pretty

PWA: proofreading. Not my strongest skill, so I use Pro Writing Aid to jumpstart me. It really helps with passive voice, which I'll slip into when tired.

Editing: paid. Not everything gets a paid pass. Some works go on submission. Others are released naked into the world. I do a lot of short stories.

Publishing: formatting, cover art, audio art, uploading, audio upload, newsletter announcement, promo scheduling, etcetcetc

Ok so these are the general steps of authorship, but what is the dang system?

The system boils down to two things:

1: days I decide I'm working

2: days I decide I'm not working (number 1 can turn into number two if it's a bad day)

By default I work Monday-Friday from about 1 pm to 4 pm. Weekends are off. Any day my husband comes home early gets cut short. Any day he is off I'm also off. Any day I wake up with no spoons, I'm off. Any day I realize I'm feeling stressed, I look at the calendar to check deadlines and book a week off. I take a week off after every novella or novel, but I'll go two or three short stories in a row. I take December off, usually starting at Thanksgiving and ending a week after new year.

You may be seeing a trend here. I take a lot of time off. It turns out, when I started giving myself the time I needed to rest and read and relax without guilt, my output on workdays skyrocketed.

Side note: you are probably not living with a sugar daddy paying the bills. I'm really fucking lucky to have funding in my corner. But REST is a requirement and you must do your very very best to protect your resting days/hours to the death.

Tami, I hear you say, what is the system? The writing system. The system that keeps you getting up every Monday-friday and having the energy and attention (if not the motivation) to work every day on the book?

Rest is the system. But the system is Deliberate. The system is Attentive. The system asks: is today a rest day? If yes what storytelling are we consuming to refill the well for our next workday?

It's not restful to doom scroll Tumblr "looking for inspiration." It's not restful to binge 6 seasons of Survivor in two weeks. Both of these things have their place, but when was the last time you deliberately planned your rest to be fulfilling and recharging? When was the last time you gave it any more thought then "I'm just tired."

The first day I decided to rest on purpose, I slept for 12 hours straight. The next couple of weeks were solidly 10/11 hours per night. That has since eased up to about 9 or 9.5, but it's 9ish Every Single Night. Before I decided to rest, I was only giving myself 6 or 7. Did you know some symptoms of chronic exhaustion are indistinguishable from dementia? I had no idea how much sleep I really needed.

If you're still here (I appreciate you), this is where we get to the work. You have rested. You have refilled the creative well. You wake up and decide Today Is A Writing Day.

Cool. Open the document and read your most recent chapter to figure out where you left off.

Take a glance at your notes or your outline if you have one.

What scene sounds fun today? Start writing that one, [put brackets around anything questionable] or that you have to look up later (do it later!) and as soon as you come to a point we're you've exhausted the initial energy of the day: STOP.

Write a few notes to yourself about where you think this is going next. And put it all away.

Congrats, you've probably been writing for 20 minutes. Maybe 50 if you had a good run. Perhaps you managed more than 1k. Maybe. I can only break 1k/hr when I'm dictating.

But Tami, the book is NineHundredThousand words long this will take forever.

Yeah, it will. It's a novel. But if you rest and you refill the well first, you will have more and more and more workdays.

You wanna write a book in a year? You're running a marathon, but you've gotta build up your muscles. It takes months, years, to train for a marathon. And you know what a marathon runner needs to train well and hard?

REST.

Writing Tip - What ‘Habit Over Motivation’ Actually Looks Like

We’ve all heard the writing advice that you can’t rely on motivation to get you through writing a book, sometimes you need to force yourself to do it and make a habit of it. And a lot of us will scoff at that or find it too restrictive or boring, it leaves us feeling like it’s a chore rather than a fun activity

As someone who only worked out what people actually mean by it recently, let me explain my take on it

You’re not always going to be inspired to write, you’re not always going to be motivated to write, but if you only write when you’re motivated it’s gonna take a crap ton of time - and writing anything to completion already takes donkey’s years as it is. Forming a habit is going to enable you to write consistently, and thus even unmotivated or uninspired progress is still made. Hence, sometimes you have to force yourself to write

But writing too much will make that habit impossible, or at least it becomes a chore and not a fun activity. You need to give yourself realistic goals to meet, even if it’s only something small. Write for ten minutes a day, write 500 words every week, any snail’s pace progress regardless of how insignificant it may seem. Something small enough that it doesn’t drain you but frequent enough that there’s still a habit being formed, there’s still consistency to it

I used to only write when I was inspired and motivated and could get myself to start writing, and even then the word count would be inconsistent. It could be weeks or even months between proper writing sessions. But now that I have a baseline for productivity, I have a baseline for consistent progress. And I’m only on 1K words a week! And if that doesn’t work, you can do less, or go by time spent writing if that’s a better metric for your writing style!

There’s no such thing as not enough progress when it comes to forming a consistent habit; if you can get at least one word per deadline (day, week, whatever) then that still counts as consistent progress

What everyone else seems to think of is “You must get this big amount of words written daily, think of it as eternal NaNoWriMo, if you miss even one day you’re a failure and you’ll never get the book done, SUFFER FOR YOUR ART!”

Just do what’s comfortable and it’ll be fine, no worries

[mydaroga]

Thoughts on ‘The Birth of the Beatles’

I watched this 1979 biopic originally early in my obsession (you know, lo five months ago or so) and it was interesting to look at it again having read and learned and thought a lot more. And I’ve been mulling it over the past few days, because it’s interesting.

I don’t love biopics of this nature, where it’s just “this event happened then this event and then this one.” You don’t actually learn anything you couldn’t get from a wiki entry, and it’s invariably far less accurate. This movie does not dispel that at all. It’s a pretty straightforward narrative of the newly-formed band going to Hamburg, coming back, meeting Brian, scoring their first hit. It skips over some stuff and gets some stuff wrong, of course. And most of the actors seem to have been chosen for a distinguishing feature that’s kinda like a feature the guy they’re playing has. (George, actually, looks the closest and is pretty dang cute.)

But aside from the general, there are some interesting aspects. Interesting given that it was made in the late seventies, it seems to be on the “John is the best” train, and quickly it becomes apparent that John is the lead character. By the end, it’s clear that this is The John Story. John is So Good, y’all. He is a good leader. And a good friend. And he even gives a very encouraging speech to Brian about how any love is good and you shouldn’t be ashamed of love in any form! It’s very nice. Except for how they do the “We’re going to the top!” bit but get it wrong, which is baffling.

Like many biopics of this nature, characters sort of drift in and out when necessary, so Cyn is a thing when it’s convenient, and just sort of pops up. Stu is there, and important, and he dies, but when he does John makes a heartfelt speech from the stage--they’ve already done the toilet seat madness bit earlier on. Mimi pops up at the end to be appalled by the scene in the hotel room as they’re finally about to make it, because Paul (of course) has a girl stripped down to her slip in there. I’m not exactly sure what is being foreshadowed here but it does feel portentious?

Speaking of Paul, while he’s a bit more marginal than I would have expected I do think this film does him a service by making him fucking weird and not at all a goody goody and there are some actually good bits with him being just as annoying as John. At one point he rides George like a pony with a mop in one hand in order to get John’s attention so he’ll cut class, which is all right with me. He is not my favorite Paul but his eyebrows are quite decent and for a side-man version of McCartney I will accept it.

But I think the absolute BEST thing about this film is the fact that Pete--yes, Pete Best--was the only actual band member who was consulted on the making of the film. Granted, that’s probably because none of the other guys wanted any part of this, but the result is stunning. Did you know? Pete Best taught Ringo everything he knows. Pete Best was the best drummer you’ve ever seen. Pete Best was only let go because he was just TOO POPULAR in Liverpool. The bias is truly glorious. There’s literally two scenes of Pete Best epic drum soloing, one of which prominently features Ringo watching avidly, soaking it all in.

All in all, this film is not actually instructive to true Beatles fans, especially in an age where we have more than one biography and the actual footage is available on Youtube. However, it’s a really interesting relic of an age where there really wasn’t that much out there: Compleat Beatles wasn’t out yet, and Anthology is ages away. Shout hadn’t even been published. John was still alive and really, things were fairly quiet in Beatledom. I was pretty dismissive upon first viewing, because I didn’t feel I learned anything I didn’t know. But on further reflection, I’ve realized that while it’s not actually a good movie, it does tell us something interesting about how the legend of this band was formulating, 9 years or so after its demise, and with considerably less information than we are now able to access just through a google search.

[bloo-the-dragon]

Gregory from fanf for the fandom thing-

First Impression:

Hard to say ngl LOL but i guess what stood out to me the most was ‘oh the kid talks’ and the fact that he was hiding inside Freddy’s chest compartment was an instant ‘oohh i get that, i get that reference’

Tho i probably did have a tiny moment where i thought maybe he was a ghost possessing Freddy before it was confirmed no he is very much alive (thank goodness for that for a change LOL)

So yeah my first impression was pretty much, yeah he seems pretty neat i guess, but i didn’t really have much of an opinion beyond that because i usually decide if i like a character or not the further it gets into the story.

Speaking of...

Impression now:

My impression now would be i still think he is pretty neat, but also when i learned he was an orphan my heart INSTANTLY went out for this child like NO! GET THIS BOY A FAMILY!! SOMEONE ADOPT THIS CHILD OR SO HELP ME-

And then!! My prayers are answered!! The heavens open and angels sing from above! and lo and behold he gets adopted by an animatronic bear and you know what? I couldn’t have asked for any more than that! (but i got it anyways with all the good ending au’s going around with Vanessa and Freddy being his parents and Sun and Moon being there too sometimes as an added bonus as if it wasn’t wholesome enough!)

Also the fact this child is a literal feral gremlin is very entertaining to me xD i like many others, had assumed he would be a silent protaganist with no dialogue, aside from maybe some terrified breathing sounds or something but nope. This boy chose violence, and you know what? Fair play to him HFJKDSF

Favorite moment:

I would say with absolute ease the ending cutscenes of all the good endings (the nomads ending, the ‘true’ ending and the best ending) but in terms of moments during the actual gameplay itself, i’d say the entire chase scene with DJ (i know the poor kids running for his life but... it was kind of epic, and that music was a real head bopper) and also the part in the security office with all the cameras where he jumps down the vent to be caught by freddy but thats a more recent addition because of that one HECKIN DANG AMOUNG US MEME-

I can never look at that scene the same way again, thhis fandom has ruined me, has ruined my sense of humour and i love it and hate it for this (/j i love it actually x’DD)

Idea for a story:

Boi i could think for days on how i’d give this boy a family with Freddy and Vanessa as the parental figures and Sun and Moon being there too as the gremlin/funky jester uncles or psuedo-parents (local orphan adopts parenal figures more at ten-) but i’ve seen so many good au’s of people doing just that already and my soul is satisfied and my heart is complete because of it!

But even so i might poke around a bit with some art of my own with it one day who knows. ~

Unpopular opinion:

Idk how unpopular this opinion actually is, but i am fully on board with the idea he should have been nicer to Sun xD i mean he was the only animatronic (aside from Freddy) who wasn’t outright aggressive or seeking to kill him, and he only wanted to play, and had the one rule to keep the lights on because he didn’t want his other half (Moon) who WAS infected by the afton virus to go after Gregory.

I like to think if Gregory asked Sun may have been willing to help out (and the lights would have gone off as an accident or something) but as it is, Gregory is gremlin and as much as i love the feral gremlin child it came at Sun’s expense xD (i have a soft spot for the daycare jester can you tell?)

Favorite relationship:

Hands down, 100% the parent/child relationship he has with Freddy! It kind of speaks for itself, but it is just so heckin wholesome!! And i love?? How Freddy is just like... i guess i’m dad now, and HECKIN GOES WITH IT!! AND GREGORY IS JUST ‘I’VE KNOWN FREDDY FOR 2 AND A HALF MINUTES AND IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM I WILL TORCH THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND’ AND HOW FREDDY CALLS HIM SUPERSTAR AND- *SCREAMS*

So yeah i love their dynamic a lot.

Though a close second contender i must admit has to be Gregory and (post glitch)Moon because i’ve seen some hilarious (and wholesome) fanart and fanfics of the two, especially with them both being gremlin and either vibing or pranking each other and i love it, it radiates an almost older sibling/younger sibling energy that just feeds my heart and soul

Favorite headcanon:

Pretty much the same as mentioned in the Idea for a story part above lol, the headcanon that Gregory, Vannessa and Freddy (plus Sun and Moon because yes) all become a family post game and Vanessa works to provide for the crazy little family they’ve become, and the others help out best they can (my fave so far has to be the coffee shop au because it Just Works and i don’t think i could top that idea if i tried LOL)

[sessrin-eternity2]

Yashahime The Second Act (2)

I never ever, ever want to hear Antis call Sesshomaru a bad father again, absolutely no one. He is not a bad father, he happens to be dealing with a lot of stress and situations involving all his love ones. He happens to love his daughters very much. I believe in season 1 Sesshomaru had to lay low on showing any fatherly affection towards his daughters because of Zero and Kirinmaru are always watching him. And I believe that Sesshomaru reached the end of his rope and said, screw it. He touched their cheeks, he does care. He wants his daughters to stay alive and fight those foes who always wants to kill them. They are hanyos of Sesshomaru and Rin, it's forbidden love, so yes, there are going to be enemies giving trouble or trying to kill their children or them. So the girls must always fight to keep themselves alive and Sesshomaru will be there if he knows that there is a battle his daughters can't handle. Aww! I just love that he is touching his babies cheeks like this! Aww, his Mini Rins. Remember this, Sesshomaru's eyes are never shown when he is the most emotional, it's just like the scene in the Final Act when Rin died. And eee! He said Setsuna's name! But why though? Was it because he wanted Setsuna to wake up and she wasn't? Was it because he's blaming himself? Or saying her name for other reasons? Hope to find out soon, I'm gonna cry.

Towa and Setsuna's blades, Towa's new sword is extremely unique and remarkable, I love the style. And it looks like Setsuna's blade got a repair and an upgraded style. Those blades are possibly going to be more powerful. I love em and can't wait to see the girls use them.

Whoa! Look at Towa here in this frame! This is her human form with short hair, purple glowing eyes, Sesshomaru's purple moon cresent on her forehead! And omMokomoko, she is still using the tenseiga! She's getting more stronger like her father! Ahhh! Aww, Mini Rin with purple eyes, so cute! But dang, I hope her using all this power doesn't drain her, because in the scene with Sesshomaru, she's knocked out.

Ohh my Mokomoko! They are in the tree of ages! The watery flooring is a perfect giveaway that they are in there! The thing is... will the twins see their mother Rin sleeping in the tree? What will they think? What's Moroha going to think seeing her Aunt Rin for the first time? So many questions about this scene is floating around.

The feels! More feels! Moroha see's that her are parents alive! And look, she has tears in her eyes. Yup, I'm definitely gonna be crying on this scene too, no doubt, I'm gonna need a lot of tissues during these episodes. Question is, where are they? Is Moroha in the black pearl or did Sesshomaru release them? Hm, this will be very interesting.

! Okay, why is Riku and Kirin here?! What's going on?! Oh goshy, I'm lost for words for this scene, I have a strong feeling this maybe a shock to all of us once we find out what is really going on in it.

What is Jaken holding? A crystal or some type of flower that's tilted to the side? What is this? Is it something for Rin? Towa? Setsuna? Sesshomaru? We'll have to see what this is all about. ! Rin is crying again? Noo, please don't cry anymore Rin!... No, I don't think this is a flashback here, it looks the same as episode 24 but the tree is red and something is on Rin's neck?... Zero, you better not had of put something else on Rin. I hope she didn't and it might be something that could help her but I just don't know, she looks extremely sad in this. I wonder if Rin is crying again because they are having difficulties waking up Setsuna, Towa got hurt or Sesshomaru got hurt... or is it just her cry to be free from the tie... I'm gonna cry on this scene too... oh gosh, please don't let this be something very bad.

Ohh my Mokomoko! Adult Rin in action! Finally! Yes! Ohh she looks absolutely gorgeously beautiful, she's a petite wife! Sesshomaru is going to be a little taller than her, that's gonna look so cute! Wow! She's wearing the lovely purple butterfly kimono from the final act and she upgraded it so it could still fit her! this is so entirely sweet, Rin must really cherish it, it has to be one of her favorite gifts from her husband from Sesshomaru. She's praying that their daughters are safe... oh my goshy! My heart, Rin is just so amazing and sweet. She's a wonderful mother. The flowers that surround here, it reminds me of all the flower fields the sessh gang visited. Many comrades had said this could be their meeting place, I love it! And why not? Of course they would meet in this type of place, it's Rin's passion to be surrounded by so many gorgeous flowers. Just think about all the dates! The nights together! Ahhh! I'm freaking out in a Sessrin fangirl way! Yaaay! So sweet, cute and romantic.

Ehhhh?!!! Zero?! Your face again?! No... you better not had tied poor Lady Rin to your sorry tail, girl, you must really want your head to roll by Sesshomaru. I hope that Sessh saved her that night... Dang you Zero, you are such a homewrecker. You ruined two beautiful families just because you couldn't be with Toga and was so jealous. Sesshomaru and Inuyasha don't need you messing with their families, especially Sesshomaru since you're so into destroying his life and making him miserable... ugh, I can't with this woman. She literally went after the wife of Sesshomaru, does she know that it's a death wish to mess with Rin? That night on the grime comet, Sesshomaru was in a rush and many of us Sessrin fans believe he may had sensed his wife was in danger and flew away to her aid. Let's hope Sesshomaru got to this scene in time before Zero done anything harsh.

[zepskies]

@lamentationsofalonelypotato

Omg yay!! Thank you so much, friend! I'm excited for you loll ❤️❤️

Again, I really love the soft reader in this fic. She's lovely and kind and there's just something about her that's so endearing that it makes me want to give her a big hug. 💚

She's a real sweetheart, right? Writing someone who wants to work with little kids, I wanted to write a young woman who isn't without her flaws, but really embodied that kind, nurturing nature that makes for great elementary school teachers. 💗 (And the kind of inner goodness that I think Dean would find endearing too.)

I'm melting over her reassurance to Dean that she doesn't regret a single second! And the kiss had me screaming!

Aww that was one of my favorite scenes for this doozy of a chapter lol. 🥹 But it kind of makes you wish that you could knock Dean's head in like a coconut and get him to see what's right in front of his face! 😂

As someone who loves to bake I felt this in my soul. Also I love that you've given us another reader like the reader in Midnight Espresso who likes to take care of other people, because again it's so warm and welcoming and fantastic!

Girl same! haha drawing on my own love of baking for this part. But omg I love you for referencing Midnight Espresso lol. She's definitely a kind of version of that reader who's a giver/nurturer. 💞

Dean, Dean, Dean... you know why. We all know why.

Again, he's being a big dummy!! 🙄

I'm so happy at this point, but I just know that Lisa is probably gonna ruin it. Dang it, I love that you included her to cause some friction and some angst, but I'm just living life on the edge of my emotions each time she comes in.

Now I feel bad because I read the next sentence about Lisa being nice. Lisa I'm so sorry. Please accept this potato as my humble apology. 🥔

loll you may want to hang onto your potato for a while. Lisa is...complicated in this story. But you'll see why! loll

Okay... before I dive into the five years later, I just want to say that I feel so bad for Dean, but at the same time you GO Benny! Because he's being so sweet and kind and isn't playing with her emotions, and he's literally there for her even though she's having someone else's kid. Like what a man. 👏🏻

Yes, Benny really stepped up, didn't he? He is being more straightforward than Dean, and the reader knows where she stands with Benny. But as the lovely Wayne (waynes-multiverse) pointed out, he also steps in where Dean really should be. We can see Benny's a good man with good intentions, and he so clearly likes the reader and wants to be there for her, right?

Buuuuut maybe he should've asked Dean if it was really ok if he pursued the reader before he stepped in. Maybe as his friend, he should've asked Dean what the hell he was doing with Lisa when the reader really needed him right now lol. Maybe that would've been the wake-up call Dean needed to get his shit together and realize he didn't really truly love Lisa. 🤔

Literally screaming yes! I'm so happy for them. And also I love the Robert Plant reference.

ehehe yes! Reader and Benny are making strides forward, but mean while Dean did win the debate for the kid's name 🤣

Oh buddy... and just like that the happy feeling is starting to ebb away. I mean I'm happy that she has someone, but I hate that she feels like she can't be herself there. It turns into feeling trapped really quick.

Ah, exactlyyy. It's good with Benny, sure, but it's not perfect. No relationship is, but at the same time, this is a key moment that you can see where reader/Benny might not be the best fit...

Side Note: Love the Jurassic Park reference. I know that you're as big a Jurassic Park girlie as I am!! 🦖 But it's also terrible that he let a four year old watch that 😬

Ahaha yes!! I knew you would catch that! Oh yeah, but that's the kind of mistake a man not used to little kids would make, I feel like 🤣

Baby, he wants to be the good man who treats her right. And don't think I don't see the subtle hinting that you've got going on Lisa. I'm about to take back my potato.

lol oh yeah, she's starting to get the hint that Dean is in love with the reader, even if she doesn't want it to be true. 😅 (Hold your potato until further notice - it's about to get worse before it gets better with Lisa 😂)

Dang it. Now I feel bad for Lisa. It's true though. It's literally five years of on and off and where is it going? I see what she's getting at and I do feel for her.

Yep, her timing to discuss this might not have been great, but her points are totally valid. Dean should NOT have been stringing her along for this long. And yet, she's been willingly a part of this 5-year rollercoaster with Dean, so she's kind of at fault too 😅

Ah yes, the classic Dean Winchester get mad at other things because he's too afraid to say the one big thing that he's held close to his heart for the past 5 years. *sigh* 😒 It's sad to me because Dean could have done this five years ago and it would have been less complicated. Now he's been with Lisa for 5 years, and the reader has been with Benny for 2. And yes maybe the reader isn't happy, happy, but in the end there are four people involved in this rather than the two it could have been at the beginning (or maybe 3?).

BIG YEP. That's where we're at - Dean letting his anger spill into other things instead of talking about the thing he should get off his chest. 🥲🥲 He's just not ready to admit that the idea of her and Benny getting married means he's lost his chance forever, because that would mean actually acknowledging he has feelings for her when he's meant to be with Lisa.

And you make a really good point there with Dean and how he should've broken things off with Lisa sooner and talked to the reader about where each of them stands emotionally -- all of which will be explored in the epilogue too.

Oh my word he's such a good dad to Robbie even when he's hurt and I can't take the feelings! 😭

I knowwww I'm sorry I almost killed Dean, but this is the first of many wake-up calls for both Dean and reader. 😭😭

And the fact that Benny calls Dean "brother" is just making the feelings even worse, because I know what's coming and oh man, it's gonna hurt Benny so much.

Oh yeah, we're going full heartbreak in the future for poor Benny, but at the same time, he did peep the way the reader held Dean's hand. He might be shouldering some Lisa-like denial himself where the reader is concerned. 😅

Oh boy... this is... this is really... I have no words because both of them have points. But I would still like my potato back, thank you very much.

LOL girl I told you! But thank you because I too thought both Lisa and reader had valid points in this argument, even if it was hard for both of them to hear. 😭💔

This is KILLING ME ALEX! They just need to communicate with one another instead of shutting each other out! DANG IT! SPEAK! DEAN STOP DOING THE SUFFER IN SILENCE BIT! We all know you can look super hot while you're brooding, but COME ON! I just want to hit him with a frying pan!

hahaaa yes the frying pan would come in handy right about now!! Communication (or lack thereof) is their biggest weakness in this story, but it just goes to show that no one means to do anyone wrong here.

I tried to do something different with this story and make it feel more realistic, with no real "villain," except that we can hurt the people we love the most unintentionally with our actions and inaction. What we say, and sometimes more importantly, what we don't say.

Like an end table. Because that's what every woman wants from her significant other 🤣 Also I'm literally cackling over the fact that Dean and Benny chose the same night to ask their ladies to marry them. Their brains are so in sync LOL.

Hahahaa right? Really seeing what might just hold the reader up from accepting this impending proposal. Dean did get one final warning on what he's about to lose, and it ain't Lisa 😭

She can have a whole truck full of potatoes. She did the right thing and the "Go fight for it," is just so lovely.

Better late than never, right? 😅 She finally realized she had to let Dean go. 💔 And I love that you liked the "Go fight for it," line, because that was one of my favorites too. It's time for Dean to get off his ass!

I especially love this little bit, because you describe what the reader wants in love (what we all want LOL) and then you add the difference when Dean touches her. But I also completely understand her hesitancy to go to Dean even though it's what her heart is telling her. She's trying not to get her heart broken and yet Dean is the person she's held there for so long.

Ahh thank you! 🥹 Girl wants that Godfather Thunderbolt lol, and she has it with Dean, she's just afraid of being hurt again, or just being "sex and a good time" for Dean. But he of course makes it clear that she's the Thunderbolt for him too. 💗💗

Can I ask how long it's been since they got back together? I love the time skip, but I'm just curious to see how long Dean waited to pop the question. 😊

Ooh so you'll find out the answer to that question in the epilogue! There will be some key scenes that fill in the in between -- from this moment, to the engagement, to the wedding (and more). 😘❤️❤️

Also the stuff about Benny is so sad- I'm beyond happy for the reader and Dean (their love makes me so happy)- but dang he was Dean's best friend. And the stuff about Dean saying that this wasn't how he wanted to be promoted, I'm having so many feelings AHHHHH! But I wish Benny happiness. Who knows? Maybe he and Lisa will meet up in a few years and bond 🤪

Oh it's sooo very bittersweet and messy, isn't it? Dean and reader certainly weren't perfect, and Benny really tried his best, but you'll see more of his side of the story in the epilogue, which a lot of what I wrote was to do just that for Benny. 🥲 He deserves his happy ending! (And there's closure for Lisa too. ❤️)

(I also felt the need to add the next paragraph because I read the comments)

Oh you saw that, huh? 😂 Yeah, I think you remember that turned into a fun "anonymous" ask in my inbox asking why I was so "defensive" when people criticized my work. I typically have thick skin and was ready to forget the comments entirely, but when that "ask" came in it really annoyed me, not gonna lie. lol

I probably should've just ignored the inbox message and deleted it, rather than spend more time and energy on replying to someone whose mind likely isn't going to be changed on how they talk to writers, regardless. 😂

I get that this AU story was "different," and messy with these relationships, but that was kind of the point.

Bless you though for your thoughtful and heartwarming feedback regarding the Lisa and Benny storylines! 💗💗💗

And I think that Dean's character makes sense because yes at the beginning he was a playboy, but then he started to feel the stability of the reader, started to crave something more than what he had in his life- and instead of going with her, he clung to Lisa.

Exactly! I never outright said Dean's age at the beginning of Part 1, though heavily implied that he was young (mid-20s) and the reader was even younger, fresh out of college. They made mistakes and had to figure out how to level up in their maturity to handle the situation of a surprise pregnancy, all while trying to build their careers.

For example, Dean tried to take Sam's advice to heart about trying to have "real relationships," but he didn't mean with just anyone, Dean. 😂

Just as the reader wanted something more and started to date Benny, but missed the electricity of what the reader thought love should feel like. Dean and the reader both felt the need to push down their feelings and search in the wrong places for what they wanted from each other. At least that's how I took it and I loved every single second of this fic and how you wrapped everything up!

Yes exactly! I really wanted to make people think on this one, and you got where I was going with this. 👌🏽

When you have so much going on around you and things you have to deal with (like a full on child you weren't prepared for), it can be hard to figure out what you really want, whether that's relationships, your career, or your own sense of identity. I'm so glad you enjoyed the angsty ride, even though it wasn't easy!! And again, I really appreciate your thoughts here. 🥹💕💕

ALEX, this fic was amazing! It had me feeling all the feels on this wonderful, beautifully written emotional rollercoaster. I can't wait to read the epilogue!

Thank you so very much, Lee!! I felt all the things while writing this one lol, so I really hope you enjoy the epilogue too. It's going to answer some of those questions for you and give these characters even more closure. ❤️❤️❤️

IF I STAY - Part 2

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Plus-Sized!Reader

Summary: Your dream is to work with kids as an elementary school teacher. Dean is well on his way to becoming a firefighter, keeping things light and “strings unattached” as he goes. After a one-night stand you never saw coming, you and Dean are forced to deal with the consequences…and figure out if the connection between you is worth fighting for.

AN: Deep breaths Are you ready for a rollercoaster of emotions? 😘❤️

Song Inspo: “I Can’t Help Falling in Love” and “It’s Now or Never” by Elvis

Word Count: 13.1K

Tags/Warnings: Angst, pregnancy feels, hurt/comfort, fluff, time jumps and flashbacks, sexual tension, mutual pining, spice~, and an ending…

❤️‍🔥 If I Stay Masterlist

Part 2: It’s Now or Never

At the doctor’s office, Dean goes in with you for the first trimester ultrasound. There you learn that you’re going to have a boy. Tears well up in your eyes and slip down your cheeks.

Dean wears a look of amazement as he sits on the edge of your bed. He takes up your hand and squeezes gently. He tries to be a strong support, even though he also tries to hide the fear that begins to churn in his gut.

For one of the first times in his life since Sam was born, he feels the weight of responsibility pressing down on him. In a good way. In a fucking scary way.

He looks at you and sees the wonder written across your face while you watch the tiny shape of your baby on the screen. His heartbeat thwaps fast and loud in the speakers.

Dean realizes something else then; the decision you're making is changing the course of your whole damn life…and it’s his fault.

With his weekly hookup rate, in the very back shelves of his mind he knew something like this could happen, even though he thought he'd been careful. (Apparently, condoms are fragile little shits.) But here, in this white wall-to-wall room that smells like hospital antiseptic, that thwap thwap thwap of a heartbeat reverberating in his ears, the reality of this is crashing hard on his shoulders and rattling down to the base of his spine.

Despite his earlier happiness, those thoughts stay with him when you two eventually get back into his car. You have the pictures of the sonogram in your hands. You smile down at them before you put them back in your purse for safekeeping.

However, you notice Dean’s sudden melancholy as he stares out at the road. He’s started the car, but he hasn’t moved to pull out of the parking lot yet.

“Hey, you okay?” you say, resting a gentle hand on his arm.

Dean shakes his head. “Look…I’m sorry for tossing a giant friggin’ monkey wrench into your life. I know this hasn’t been easy for you.”

If possible, your heart softens even more. You slide your hand down to grasp his.

“Dean, this baby wasn’t planned, but he’s not a mistake,” you say. “I don’t regret anything.”

Dean stares back at you, incredulously. He can’t believe you could really say that to him. He doesn’t know what to say. He only knows what’s in his mind, and what he feels compelled to do in that moment.

He leans over and kisses you. It’s a firm meeting of his lips to yours and achingly familiar. But ultimately, it’s chaste. He pulls away and settles back in his seat.

When you blink your eyes back open, your expression is slack in shock.

“I’m sorry,” he says, seeming sheepish, and guilty. “I meant to say thank you. Just didn’t know any other way to say it.”

After a moment, you smile at him. It’s warm and almost shy.

Dean clears his throat, trying to ignore the way his face is heating up. He doesn’t say anything more. He just takes the wheel and shifts gears, pulling the car out of the parking lot. 

You don’t know what possesses you to bake cookies. Dozens and dozens of them, all the chocolate chip cookie recipes you can find. You’re in search of the perfect one. This will be the recipe your son will grow up on, and every time he eats them, he’ll remember how much you loved him.

And then, he’ll be ruined for any other chocolate chip cookies that try to grab his taste buds. He’ll say, Blech. Chips Ahoy? These aren’t as good as Mom makes!

…Or something like that.

Yes, these cookies have to be perfect. You’ll even write the ingredients down on a notecard and hide it away, and it’ll become your family secret recipe.

Once you feel like your cookie game is strong enough, you decide to test these babies out. You bring two dozen painstakingly baked confections to Firehouse 83, where Dean works. The man is a bottomless pit, to be sure, but you also want other people’s unbiased opinions. For science.

You park your car on the side of the road, making sure you’re not blocking the driveway where two huge fire trucks are parked. You head inside the firehouse with your big container under your arm and your purse on the other. Now at seven months into your pregnancy, you’ve gotten to the embarrassing “waddle” stage.

You’re still determined to be active though! You plan to keep working until you have the baby. Your parents live a few hours away, but you’re grateful that they want to help out as much as possible.

Even though they weren’t happy to hear about how you got pregnant, by now they've met Dean and begrudgingly admitted to liking him. He's really stepped up to the responsibility of a future father, insisting on baby-proofing your apartment, helping you shop for the essentials, and going with you to as many doctor’s appointments as he can. He’s even agreed to giving you child support payments, even though you hadn’t wanted to ask for it.

You look for him now as you enter the firehouse, trying to push the heavy glass door open with one hand.

“Here, I got you,” says a familiar baritone voice.

You’re pleasantly surprised at the man who helps you inside.

“Benny! It’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, been…a while,” he chuckles, glancing down at the swell of your belly, but he squeezes your shoulder and leans in to hug you gently.

“Dean filled you in?” you ask. You hope so. Having to explain the story to one of his own friends would be embarrassing, especially since this is the man you walked in Sam’s wedding with. It reminds you of that day, and the way you told Dean that news in a glorified closet, with shaking hands and the wrong kind of butterflies.

Thankfully, Benny nods. “That he did…but come on, I’ll show you around. And I see you’ve brought somethin’ special for us?”

He gestures at the container you're holding and offers to take it off your hands. You give it to him, grateful for the help.

“Yeah, and I want you guys to give me your honest opinion.”

Benny tosses you a wink and a smile. “That I can do.”

Your cheeks begin to warm in a blush, but the way he helps you to a comfy couch in the common room earns your smile. There are still good men left in this world, and you’re glad to know that Dean works so well with one.

“You want some coffee, or water? Think we might have some lemonade,” Benny says.

“Water would be great, thank you,” you reply, as you rub your belly. The little man has decided to kick at your liver today. “I stopped drinking coffee for the baby. ”

It's your biggest challenge, to be honest. Try wrangling a group of fifteen to twenty six-year-olds while running on green tea, the fumes of sleep deprivation, reduced bladder control, and as much vim as you can muster.

“Ah, right,” Benny nods. “My sister has two kids. She cut out coffee, pain meds, some dairy stuff. But she claimed cheesecake was all right, ‘cause it’s got cake in the name.”

You giggle. “I see no flaw in her logic.”

Down the hall of the firehouse, Dean is just coming back in from going through a set of drills. He’s still the Candidate—the freshest blood in the house—so they’ve been putting him through his paces for the past several months. He’s eager to learn and to prove himself.

His ears perk up in confusion though. Did he just hear your voice?

Why does it smell like a bakery in here?

When he rounds the corner, he sees you in the common room, smiling and giggling like a teenager at something Benny said to you while he eats a soft baked cookie right out of a Tupperware container. You must’ve brought it for the firehouse.

This cozy little scene kind of annoys Dean somehow, though he doesn’t know why. He does know that it shouldn’t.

“Hey, look who’s here,” Dean says, forcing himself to smile. It becomes easier when you look his way, your eyes brightening at his arrival.

“There you are! Come ‘ere and try these,” you say, pointing at the box Benny holds. “Tell me if our son’s going to have the best PTA mom ever.”

Dean can’t help but grin after trying a big bite of one of your cookies.

“Oh, mah Gah,” he says, holding a hand under his mouth so nothing comes crumbling out.

“Good?” you ask.

“Good friggin’ cookie,” he confirms, after he swallows. “You’re gonna have the other parents frothing at the mouth. Who’s gonna be able to compete with this?”

Benny nods in agreement. When Dean squeezes your shoulder, your sweet, happy smile makes him smile too.

She’s going to be a good mom, he thinks. He can only hope against hope that he can be the man his son needs.

Two months later, the time has finally come. Your water breaks when you’re in the middle of teaching your second graders how to spell exaggerate—and no, Joey, it’s not e-g-g-zagerate.

However, the embarrassment of him pointing out the fluid beginning to stain your slacks is swiftly cut off by your shock. Your first call is to the principal, to have her send someone to cover your class. Your next call is to Dean, telling him to meet you at the hospital.

“Why the hell did he have to bring her,” you mutter to yourself, wiping sweat from your brow. Here you are, gritting your teeth through contraction after contraction in this damn hospital bed, and Dean is outside the room talking to Lisa.

You know you have no real reason to be upset. She’s been trying her best to be your friend in recent months. Hell, she helped Eileen and your mom plan your baby shower. She even brought you flowers when she got to the hospital, but you notice how less than five minutes after she got here, she and Dean became embroiled in yet another argument. It seems to you that all they do is argue, break up for a week or two, and then get back together again.

The sex must be explosive, like the fireworks at goddamn Disney World.

But Dean eventually does come back into the room alone. His support grounds you over the next few hours. He lets you basically break his hand, all while he gives you encouragement (and stands by your shoulder, so he doesn’t see anything you’d rather him not see).

And then, your son is born. Every muscle, every cell in your body is exhausted, but the pain meds have kicked in, and you’re in that blissed out state between abject reality and being entirely entranced by the bundle in your arms. His perfect face is just there, sleeping for the moment after the nurses taught you how to breastfeed.

Dean returns to sit in the chair beside you. He gives you some water and a piece of a protein bar. You’re not that hungry, but he pointed out that you haven’t eaten since before your water broke.

“Sam and Eileen are on their way up,” he says.

You nod in reply. You’re too into your son right now to think of anything else.

Dean shakes his head in wonder as he reaches out with a tentative hand, brushing his fingers over the baby’s downy head. He was born with a little tuft of brown hair.

“Okay, down to business,” Dean says, shooting you a playful look. “I vote for Zeppelin.”

You groan. “Dean, no. Veto. I’m not naming my son after a rock band.”

“Aw, come on. It’s a badass name!”

“What about Aiden?” you suggest.

“Veto,” he snorts. You two agreed to getting five “vetos” each, but this discussion has been more like a battle of wills over the last several months.

“Okay, what about Daniel? That’s strong, classic,” you pose.

Dean considers it with a tilt of his head. “All right, that one’s a maybe.”

Again, he strokes the baby’s soft cheek. You look over at Dean with a small smile.

“You’re going to be a good dad, you know,” you tell him. It earns his gaze. Although he’s trying to stay strong, you read the hidden insecurity there, the worry and fear. You rest a hand on his arm. “You are, Dean. You’re a good man, and you’ve really stepped up these past few months. This obviously isn’t how either of us thought our lives would go, but if this had to happen with someone, I’m glad it’s you.”

Dean’s expression softens. He hesitates, but he lays a hand over yours and squeezes gently.

“Thanks,” he says.

Your eyes meet, and it’s a moment charged with something you can’t even name. It’s not the first time you’ve felt this feeling with him. It both fills your heart with warmth, and makes you ache.

Then the door opens. It’s Lisa, Sam, and Eileen. Dean’s hand slips away from yours as they all pour in to congratulate you and Dean, and of course, meet the baby. There’s a lot of soft cooing and playful shushing.

In that small chaos, your parents call to tell you that they’re finally almost here. It really sucked not having your mom with you, but your parents live far enough away that they were going to take a train and stay with you for at least a week. Their train unfortunately got delayed due to mechanical failure.

It's okay though. Getting through the past several hours has made you realize that you’re stronger and more capable than you think, and even though part of you is still scared to death, you don’t need a husband to be a good mom. You’re going to give this your all, no matter who’s beside you…

And that's no more apparent than when Dean soon has to step out again, leading Lisa out of the room. He saw how her “helpful” suggestion to have a get-together at their apartment to celebrate the baby’s birth was setting you on edge. Really, you just want to sleep for the next 24-hours and not have any more pictures of you taken.

It gets loud enough outside your hospital room that Sam and Eileen feel they have to intervene. Lisa is Eileen’s best friend, and she’s the best equipped to try and deescalate the argument from that end, while Sam deals with Dean. It’s messy, it’s irritating, and it means that even today, you can’t just have a little bit of peace.

You sigh and cradle your still nameless baby close to your chest. He’s all that matters. Already, your heart is so damn full just taking him in.

“What’s your name, my little love?” you whisper. “What am I going to write on your certificate, besides Winchester?”

“How about Benjamin,” comes a Louisiana drawl.

You perk up and smile in surprise. “Benny, hey.”

He greets you with a slightly hesitant kiss on the cheek. He’s brought the baby an adorable teddy bear, and you a beautiful bouquet of white and blue roses, along with a box of chocolates.

“It’s the assorted kind, but they’ve got plenty of the caramel ones you like,” he says, then gazes down at the baby. “Aw, he’s a little charmer. Already got more of you than Dean, that’s for sure.”

You laugh lightly at his teasing. “I don’t know about that.” You hope your son inherits Dean’s strong jaw, and his green eyes.

Benny scratches the back of his head. “Also…sorry if I’m crossing some kind of boundary here. Looks like it’s a bit of a circus outside.”

You shake your head and smile through burgeoning tears. You set the chocolates on the end table where he’s placed the flowers and the teddy bear.

“No, it’s very sweet. Thank you,” you say. You glance out the window of your room to the hallway, where the arguing between Dean, Lisa, Sam, and Eileen seems to finally be calming down. You’re so damn tired, you don’t give a crap about whatever they’re hashing out now.

You look down at your son, and despite your strong thoughts earlier, insecurity begins to creep back into your mind like inky claws.  

“How are you holding up?” Benny asks. His face is kind and concerned when he notes the change in you.

You meet him with a wobbly smile. “Honestly? I’m afraid. I know I have a lot of people who want to support me, and I’m grateful, but…I just have this terrible feeling that we’re going to end up alone, him and me.”

You look down at your son, and you have to wipe away a tear from your eye before it falls on his face.

A large, warm hand rests over yours. Your gaze raises slowly, and Benny smiles at you. He’s serious though.

“Don’t you worry about that,” he says. “You’re not gonna be alone.”

FIVE YEARS LATER... 

For all that changes, there are some things that stay the same.

Dean and Lisa are still the world’s most “off again, on again” couple you’ve ever met. Sam and Eileen are still going strong as the hardworking, driven career couple. Your son is growing more and more every day and just started kindergarten this year.

(You ultimately caved on Dean’s idea to name him Robert, as in Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin.)

Oh, yeah, and the “you and Benny” thing? That’s been going well for two years now.

What can you say? The man is persistent, but respectfully so. He’s considerate, reliable, and always calls you when work at the firehouse has him running late.

You haven’t yet invited him to move in with you. That part you’re still hesitant on, mostly because of your son, but Benny helps you drop off Robbie at school and makes breakfast for you all whenever he stays over your apartment. Benny takes an interest in your son’s life and keeps up with all his energy, taking him to the park to run himself ragged before dinner, and helping you tuck him in at night.

Benny is a bit closed off though, the strong stoic type. He’s hard for you to get a read on, and sometimes you wonder if he’s just indulging you when you ramble on about your day or make silly jokes. Even now, sometimes you withhold the first thought that comes to your mind, hoping he doesn’t think you immature or…too much.

But Benny shows his caring in all those little things he does for you. They add up into the big things, and he makes you feel supported. He makes you feel safe.

He even helps you plan your son’s fifth birthday. Robbie wanted to go all out on a dinosaur theme; he’s been hooked on Jurassic Park ever since Benny “accidentally” let him watch it with him on one of your rare nights out with your friends.

So you set up a little party at the park by your apartment. You managed to reserve the biggest gazebo, where there are three picnic tables covered with dinosaur plates, and tablecloths, streamers in different shades of green. You even bought a big dinosaur cake—also in a radioactive green color that you hadn’t been sure about, but your son talked you into. Robbie thinks it’s awesome.

He’s running around on the playground with a few of his friends from school. Their parents (along with Sam, Eileen, and Lisa) are talking amongst themselves at one of the picnic tables while you try to figure out how to get the Bluetooth speaker to connect with your phone.

“Haha! Got it. If you're so smart, Alexa, why don't you connect on the first try?” You fist-pump the air triumphantly, just as Benny comes to your side. He wraps an arm around your waist and kisses your cheek, making you smile.

“How’s it going out there?” you ask, nodding at the kids. Plus Dean, who’s gamely been the one to keep them entertained with different games. Right now, it’s a thrilling game of Cowboys and Outlaws, where Robbie and his friends are the cowboys, and Dean is the outlaw. He’s been hiding under the slide, behind trees and other playground fixtures, while the kids have little squirt guns to pelt him with water every time they find him.

It's pretty damn cute, and you’ve been taking pictures. You smile at the sight of Dean leaping out at Robbie and the kids, catching them off guard.

“You’ll never take me alive, Sheriff!” Dean declares.

“Oh, it’s goin’,” Benny remarks with an amused shake of his head. “Still hard to believe that guy’s about to make it to Lieutenant.”

“Hahaaa, gotcha!!” Dean cackles. He’s grabbed up Robbie and yanked him over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry. Robbie screeches with laughter while his dad runs around the playground, being chased by a bunch of five-year-olds with squirt guns.

Your smile threatens to make your cheeks hurt. You know your life is…unconventional, to say the least, but Dean is a good father to your son. He’s also been working hard at his job. He just took the Lieutenant’s test, and even though Benny already occupies that position at Firehouse 83, a spot at another firehouse might open up for Dean to transfer.

“Part of me doesn’t want to,” Dean admitted to you last week, while he was working on fixing your stubborn, leaky sink. “All the guys there, they’re like family, you know?” “I understand,” you nodded. “You have to do what feels best for you, whether that’s staying where you feel comfortable, or moving up in your career somewhere else. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.” He took in your advice with a slow nod. “Yeah, thanks. Guess I have to time to think about it. Lisa had other ideas.” “Of course,” you said with a smile, but it soon dropped. “Why, what did she say?” “Do what I can to move up,” he sighed. “She’s got a point. That title comes with a pay bump, one I could really use right now.” “I get that. Totally valid,” you said. “But I just think it’s important for you to be happy with it too. Especially with what you do, helping people, saving people…I’d imagine being in the right mindset for all that is important, right? Who you work with can be just as important as the money stuff.” Dean considered you with a smile. “Yeah, exactly.”

As you think about it now, you have to admit that he’s grown up a lot.

Dean has to lean against a tree to catch his breath. Am I already getting too old for this crap?

Feels kind of young to have a stitch in his side after a few rounds with these kids, but even he has his limits. Lisa comes to bring him a bottle of ice-cold water, which he appreciates. He’s tempted to dump it over his head like he does after successfully neutralizing a fire. It gets literally hot as hell under that helmet and mask and all his gear underneath.

“Need an iron lung?” Lisa teases.

“Toss in a new pair of knees, thanks,” he wheezes. He downs half the water bottle in one go, but he smiles at seeing his son keep running around with his friends. He’s just got that manic kid energy that goes on for days. But Robbie’s also smart; like Dean, he likes taking things apart and putting them back together in new and ingenious ways.

Dean hopes his son likes the new model car set that’s waiting for him on the picnic table full of presents. In fact, he’s still surprised that you didn’t go with the race car theme he suggested for the party, but apparently, Robbie’s more into dinosaurs now. Dean wishes he knew that before he bought the model car set.

He looks over and catches sight of you and Benny wrapped up in each other. He has his arm around your waist while you fiddle with something, but the way you lean over and whisper near his ear elicits a smile on Benny’s face.

Dean’s good mood diminishes.

“Well, don’t they seem cozy,” he mutters.

Lisa arches a manicured brow. “Yeah, pretty sure he’s getting ready to propose.”

That earns Dean’s attention, his head swiveling back to her in surprise.

“Really?” he asks. “Who told you that?”

“His sister,” she replies. “Meg’s in my intermediate class, remember?”

Dean nods, sipping at his water, even though he’s a bit absent in the eyes. Lisa watches him shrewdly.

“Why do you seem upset about it?” she asks. “Benny’s your friend.”

“I know,” Dean says. He doesn’t need that reminder, or the guilty twinge. It’s not like he’s done anything wrong.

“And she seems happy,” Lisa points out. “Don’t you want the mother of your kid to be with a good man who treats her right?”

He nods, trying to hide his growing annoyance. “‘Course I do. I just…I don’t know. I still don’t see them together, I guess.”

“Well, they’ve been together for like, two years.”

Again, Dean nods his acknowledgement. It’s hard for him to believe that so much time has passed already. He honestly didn’t think you and Benny would be together this long. He’d always felt a little uncomfortable with one of his best friends dating you, but you’d seemed happy about it, so he didn’t discourage it. But he’d never been very supportive, either. At least, not about your relationship.

Lisa sighs and grabs his arm, pulling him aside before he can rejoin the party.

“Listen, we need to talk about something,” she says.

Dean restrains a tired groan. “Can this wait ‘til later?”

“I think we should do this now,” she says. A hallmark Lisa-ism. She’s opinionated and strong-willed, something Dean’s always respected about her. Sometimes though, the timing is damn irritating. He doesn’t want to get into another argument with his girlfriend in public, especially not at his son’s birthday party.

“Speaking of commitment,” she says with a sigh. “I think it’s fair to say that we’ve been on a five-year rollercoaster, you and I. You know why that is?”

“I’m sure you’re gonna tell me,” Dean says, crossing his arms.

“It’s because you’re spread too thin,” she says. “Between the firehouse, construction jobs on the side…not to mention other things.”

“What? What’re you talking about?”

Lisa’s lips purse, before she pointedly gestures over at you with her eyes. “Well, for example. You’re still going to her place after your next shift to fix her fridge, right?”

“Yeah, I mean, should be pretty simple. I’ve just gotta swing by the hardware store and grab this specialty tool I ordered—”

“Dean,” Lisa deadpans. “That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about.”

She heaves a deep breath, running her fingers through her long brown hair.

“I get that navigating this situation hasn’t been easy for you,” she says. “It hasn’t exactly been easy for me either, but look.”

Lisa takes his hands in hers, uncrossing his arms. “I want to get married someday. I want kids too. And I want that kind of life with you…I’m just not sure you want it with me.”

Dean expels a heavy sigh. “Lis—”

“Don’t answer me right now,” she says, but she levels him with a serious look. “You need to decide though, Dean. Five years is long enough. You should know by now if you want to be with me.”

After letting go of his hands, she softens the edges of her words with a gentle kiss on his cheek. Then she turns to join the group now gathered around the picnic table where the food is, all the kids cheering for pizza and cake.

After the party, Sam, Eileen, Lisa, and Benny pack up their cars and yours with the leftover food, party supplies, and presents. Dean helps you clean up the trash, all while keeping an eye on Robbie getting out the last of his sugar-high on the playground swing.

You shake your head tiredly, if with a fond smile. “That kid’s gonna be up all night hype on that radioactive cake.”

Dean chuckles. “You want me to take him tonight?”

“It’s okay. I think he’s going to want to play with his toys,” you reply.

“Well, he could just as easily do that at my place,” he reasons.

You consider it, but you shake your head. “Yeah, but we got him the bike. He’s probably gonna want to try it out for a few minutes before we get him cleaned up.”

“By ‘we,’ you mean you and Benny,” Dean says, his tone becoming surly. “And about that. Don’t you think a bike is something you should run by me? That’s typically a ‘dad’ kind of gift.”

You pause what you’re doing at the sound of his tone. Your brows knit together.

“Sorry, but I feel like a bike isn’t exclusively a dad thing,” you say.

“My dad got me my first bike,” Dean replies. “Spent a whole three days teaching me how to ride.”

You take a minute to think about it. You understand where Dean’s coming from, so you nod.

“Okay, I get it. You want to be there to help teach Robbie? I’m sure he’d love that.” 

Dean tosses a wadded-up ball of frosting-covered napkins and stops, letting his hands fall to his sides in frustration. He draws closer and helps you untie the balloons from the picnic table.

“Yeah, I do, but that’s not the point,” he says. “Why can’t I take him home tonight?”

You blink up at him in confusion. “Well, like I said. The bike—”

“That I should’ve gotten for him,” he snaps. “Which, let me guess, Benny picked out. Right?”

You frown at him in earnest now. “Dean, why are you getting so upset about it? It’s just a bike.”

“Well you know what, it’s not! And it’s not just the damn bike either.” He swipes a hand over his face in annoyance, a telltale sign you’ve come to read well on the man. “Look, I’m missing too much shit, all right? Like, like the dinosaur thing! And the fact that I only get him on the weekends.”

You turn toward him, trying to put a cap on your own annoyance. This isn’t the first time you two have had a conversation like this. 

“We’ve gone over this before, Dean. Your schedule at the firehouse is just too unpredictable,” you say. “Robbie needs as much stability as possible between us. But…okay, if you want to take him tonight, that’s fine. We can bring the bike over to your place and show it to him there.”

You’re trying to be as reasonable as possible, and Dean knows that. Still, anger prickles just under his skin, and he can’t help but push his luck.

“You still should’ve asked be before you got the bike in the first place,” he argues.

Your brows raise high. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“Look, it’s not like we bought him a Honda Civic. Honestly, Dean, why are you picking a fight with me right now?” you ask. “Did you and Lisa get into it again or something?”

Dean looks away and crosses his arms, giving you all the confirmation you need.

“Yeah, that’s right,” you nod. “I saw you two over there on the playground, looked pretty heated. But do me a favor. Don’t come at me with that energy, because I’m too damn tired of it!”

When you walk away from him, Dean can’t help but stare after you. He knows he fucked that up, just as he knows that you don’t deserve him snapping at you. He’s just too irritated to admit it.

For the entire week that follows, Dean finds himself distracted. He sticks to his word and helps Benny teach his son how to ride a bike in between their shifts at the firehouse, but Dean comes home each night feeling even more frustrated and drained than before. It’s too much, knowing Benny’s slowly but surely carving out a father-figure role in Robbie’s life.

These thoughts follow Dean to work, even while he climbs up the firetruck ladder in the rain. It’s parallel to a busted utility pole that still sparks with electricity, even in this torrential downpour. His task is to get up to the top and grab a large branch that’s tangled in the lines.

Rung after rung, he climbs. His safety mask protects his eyes from the rain, but he wishes they had some mini windshield wipers to keep his vision clear of the droplets pelting him in the face.

He also can’t help thinking of you. If Lisa’s right, then Benny’s about to become a more permanent fixture in Robbie’s life, and yours. 

Okay fine. It’s not like Dean expected you to be single forever, but did you really have to get with one of his best friends? Does it really have to be Benny, who seems so natural with Robbie, and more patient than Dean, and more of a support to you and Robbie than Dean can ever be?

And then there’s Lisa’s little ultimatum. He understands why she’s frustrated with him. Honestly, he’s surprised she’s stuck around this long. He knows she’s not going to wait too much longer for him to get his act together. For him to decide, as she put it.

It’s not that he’s not sure about her, it’s just that…

Just that what? he wonders.

He manages to grab the wily tree branch and maneuver it out of the power lines. 

He just doesn’t realize that his glove doesn’t have quite enough friction on the metal side panel of the ladder. Not only does his hand slip, but he’s forced to let go of the branch while he loses his balance. The branch falls to the sidewalk, far, far down below.

“Dean!” Benny shouts in alarm.

Luckily, the truck itself breaks Dean's fall.

Holding Robbie’s hand tightly in yours is the only thing keeping you steady as you lead him through the hospital. After the receptionist had checked you both in and gave you the room number, you hastened down the hall and up to the right floor. 2005.

Robbie breaks into tears when he finally gets to see his dad, laid up though he is in his hospital bed. Your throat tightens at the sight of Dean hooked up to all those monitors. He has his arm wrapped up and fitted into a sling. He has a thick piece of gauze taped to the side of his face, covering a wide, angry abrasion, but he seems to be resting easy on his back. The bed is at an incline, with most of the overhead lights turned off.

Robbie rushes to the bed before you can stop him. He hesitantly touches Dean’s non-injured right hand. “Daddy?”

“Robbie, wait,” you say, keeping your voice quiet. You quickly go over to the bedside and grab ahold of Robbie’s shoulders, but Dean takes a deep breath. His eyelids crack open.

“Hey, buddy,” he says, attempting a smile. His voice is rough and weak, but at least he’s awake.

Robbie’s lower lip wobbles as tears fill his eyes again.

“Come ‘ere,” Dean says, a little stronger. When he reaches out to his son, the kid hops up onto the bed and buries his face into his father’s chest. Dean holds him as securely as he can, soothing his hand over the boy’s hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“It’s okay, little man. ‘M okay,” he promises. Robbie nods, but he still continues to cry.

You can’t help but do the same. Tears slip down your cheeks without your consent. Dean beckons you over too, gesturing with his chin and a slight smile. You’re more tentative in the way you sit down at the edge of his bed. You run your fingers through Robbie’s light brown hair to help reassure him. Then, you meet Dean’s gaze and lay a hand on his good shoulder. You don’t know whether you’re steadying him, or yourself.

“How do you feel?” you ask. “The hospital called me. Benny told me what happened.”

The thought reminds you to text your boyfriend. You hadn’t had a chance to tell him you made it here yet. He must be downstairs grabbing a bite to eat, because he’s the one who rode with Dean in the ambulance and has been with him for a while.

“The hospital called you?” Dean notes in slight confusion.

“Eileen told me that Sam is in court right now, so I must’ve been next on the list,” you say. He also must have taken Lisa off his emergency list the last time they broke up for almost a month. He probably forgot to update it again.

You reach out a hand to almost touch the bandage by his temple. Instead, you hesitantly hold the side of his face to see the area better. Dean closes his eyes for a moment. You can see he’s in pain. Your hand lingers on his cheek, but you know, deep down, that it shouldn’t.

Dean doesn’t stop you though. He lets out a deep breath, savoring how nice the gentle touch feels when the rest of his body feels battered to hell.

“Fell off the ladder. Was a stupid rookie move,” he explains, but when he sees that look on your face, he tries to inject a little more joking into a smile. “S’ not so bad.”

“You could’ve broken your head as well as your arm,” you say, more sharply than you mean to.

Robbie whimpers and clings tighter to Dean. You cover your mouth, as if you can trap the words back inside. You don’t want to upset your son more than he already is, so you fall silent. Another tear works its way down your cheek, but you brush it away. Dean shakes his head.

“Hey, I’m okay,” he reassures you too. He manages to smile as he pats Robbie’s back. “Right, buddy?”

The boy’s head perks up. His eyes are still shiny, but he smiles too. He’s not one to speak when he’s upset though, so he just curls up against Dean’s chest and hangs onto him. Dean rests his good arm snugly around him.

You smile and stroke Robbie’s back. Though your hand lowers, resting on Dean’s hand. You take in a deep breath to calm yourself down. Dean’s fingers curl around yours, prompting you to glance up into his eyes. The way he’s watching you is soft, grateful.

Until the door creaks open. Benny steps in with a subtle clearing of his throat. You jolt internally, and you slip your hand away from Dean’s. You offer your boyfriend a wan smile.

“Hey,” you say.

“Hey, baby.” He comes over and greets you with a kiss to the side of your head. He smiles at your son gently. “The gang’s all here.”

“Oh! Let me call Sam, and Lisa too. They still don’t know what’s going on,” you say. You get up from the bed to grab your phone out of your purse. Dean nods in agreement and thanks you, while Robbie plays with his dad's long fingers.

“How you holdin’ up, brother?” Benny asks, after you step out of the room. He settles into the chair near the foot of the bed.

“Ah, you know me. I’m like a cat. Always stick the landing,” Dean says, smiling lazily. The morphine is starting to kick in again.

Benny smirks. “Maybe you do got nine lives, the amount of close calls you like gettin’ yourself into.”

Dean’s good humor fades. He considers his son in his arms, and he shakes his head.

“Yeah, well, no more,” he says. He got a taste of what it would be like to leave his boy behind, and he’s not fucking doing it. He’s not leaving you to raise Robbie by yourself. The mere idea tears a new hole in his heart.

His eyes sting just enough that he has to blink a bit harder, swallowing past a thick well of emotion in his throat. He presses another kiss to the top of Robbie’s head. Then, Dean meets Benny’s gaze.

“Thank you,” he says, and he means it.

Benny nods.

“You got it, brother.”

When Lisa steps off the hospital elevator on the second floor, you happen to be coming out of the bathroom to fix your racoon eyes. You’ve been crying way too much. You attempt to greet Lisa with something reassuring, but she cuts you off. 

“What happened, and why didn’t the hospital call me directly?” she asks.

Her tone is cutting, and it takes you aback.

“Well, Sam and I were listed as his emergency contacts—”

“Why?” she snaps. “You’re not his wife or his girlfriend. I should’ve been listed.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, you can’t help it. You’re too tired and emotionally drained to lasso in your temper with this woman.

“Maybe if you and Dean stayed together longer than five minutes at a time, he’d put you back on the short list,” you sling back. “But the truth is, you’ve never just…been there for Dean. Not without demanding something from him.”

Lisa scoffs incredulously. “Oh, that’s fucking rich coming from you. You’re the reason he can’t commit to anything. You think your little world is the only one that matters, and you call Dean for any little thing! What, don’t you have a boyfriend to help fix your goddamn sink?” 

You open your mouth to retort, but you pause as her words seep into your mind. She might actually have a small point about that one. You realize then just how often you’ve been asking Dean for his help, not just with your apartment, but with your car, and other logistical things that usually have to with Robbie. Dean’s just such a good handyman, and you thought he genuinely liked being able to help…even though Benny did mention once or twice that he’d be just as happy to help you.

“Lisa, this is a lot more than a leaky sink. I just wanted to get here with Robbie and make sure Dean was okay,” you try to explain.

“Good. I’m glad his son was the first person Dean got to see when he woke up,” Lisa says. “But I should’ve been the second.”

She brushes past you before you can even think of what to say. You’re in a state of shock, feeling guilty, incensed, and on the verge of tears all at once.

A familiar voice calls your name, and you turn to Benny just as those tears begin to fall. He gathers you up into his arms and holds you there in the middle of the hallway.

“She shouldn’t talk to you like that, no matter how high tensions are today. I’ll talk to Dean,” Benny says. You shake your head and bury your face in his chest, clenching your fingers in his red flannel shirt. 

“No, it’s okay,” you reply, despite the sob that shudders through you. You’ve lost the will to fight.

Benny shakes his head and presses a kiss to your forehead. “It ain’t okay, baby.”

“Please, don’t bother Dean with this. Especially not right now,” you say. You take a moment to wipe your eyes and get ahold of yourself. “I’m gonna go get Robbie so Dean can rest.”

You can’t shake the feeling that Lisa is right. You do rely on Dean too much. You just don’t want to think about why that is.

Dean makes a full recovery after a few months. He never does hear about what happened in that hallway, but he knows that things need to change. 

He decides to dig out his mom’s engagement ring from a locked box of his parents’ keepsakes, though he’s still waiting on the right time for it. He and Lisa start looking at houses though, for real this time. She hires a realtor and everything. 

He’s making a firm decision, and he thinks it’s the right one. He wants to be there for his son, but he doesn’t want to keep “spreading himself too thin.” He has to figure out how to set some roots, and some boundaries with you while he’s at it. He’ll just have to come to terms with the idea that he won’t get to be there for everything. 

He has to be okay with the fact that you’ll probably marry Benny. You’ll keep making him cookies and cakes, giving him your smile and your time and your body. And Robbie will probably think of Benny as more of a father than his own Weekend Dad. 

Meanwhile, you’ve spent the past few months keeping yourself in check as well. You’ve stopped calling Dean for help whenever something breaks down in your old-ass apartment. You try to keep your conversations less about life and troubles and whatever funny thing your students did that day in class, and more focused on Robbie–strictly about his schedule and his needs.

It’s kind of painful, if you’re honest with yourself. Sam will always be one of your closest friends from college, but in the past five years, Dean has truly become your best friend. Because you’ve told him things. The things that come from sharing a child with someone, like Sunday dinners with your parents, flipping through old yearbooks and childhood pictures—and the details of day-to-day schedules and little stupid things that happen in moments between moments.

Dean also knows the deep cuts. Like being pregnant and scared and breaking down crying on the side of the road. Like sharing the deepest well of your insecurities with someone who knows your body intimately, even if just for one amazing night...a night you’ve never quite been able to put out of your mind.

However, you know that things can’t stay the same. From now on, he just needs to be your son’s father. Nothing more, nothing less. 

So today, on a crisp April 24th, you’re getting ready for a highly anticipated evening with your boyfriend. Robbie is sleeping over your parents’ house, and Benny has been planning something special for your third-year anniversary. 

You slip into your new dress, a deep emerald green, with a pair of black heels you’ve rarely worn since before you got pregnant. Come to think of it, you were wearing these the night of Sam and Eileen’s bachelor-bachelorette party. The night you…well, the night Robbie was conceived. 

You shake your head to rid yourself of those thoughts. You even consider changing. 

You’re being silly, you shake your head. They’re just shoes. 

And yet. Thinking of that time so long ago, it reminds you of a recent Sunday dinner at your parents’ house.

Two Months Ago...

Your parents live modestly, but comfortably in rural Kansas. Their ranch-style home boasts a creek in the backyard, where your dad is teaching your son how to catch minnows. Your mom is inside working on an apple pie, knowing it’s both Dean’s and Robbie’s favorite.

You and Dean have kept close to the house under the shade, sitting on a bench made more comfortable by a pair of old polyester cushions with red, faded flowers.

“How much longer do you have to wear that?” you ask Dean. He glances down at his cast-covered left arm.

“Doc says it’s about ready to come off,” he says.

You nod, allowing yourself a certain smile. “How bad are you itching to grab my mom’s garden shears and cut it off right here?”

“Woman, don’t tempt me,” he says, his lips twitching at a grin. “I’ve been eying those overgrown scissors for the past half hour.”

You laugh and take another sip of your glass. Yours holds sweet tea, while Dean’s has some of your dad’s favorite whiskey. You both raise your heads when Robbie yells across the backyard.

“I caught a minnow!”

“Good job, buddy,” Dean grins. “See if you can catch a marlin!”

“A marlin?” Robbie questions.

“Yeah, like that orange guy in Finding Nemo,” Dean calls back.

Your dad gives Dean the same wry look you do, though yours is tinged with more amusement.

“Dean, that’s a clown fish,” you say. “He’s not gonna find that in the creek.”

“Aw, shit,” he tries to quiet his laugh. “Ah well, should keep him occupied for another twenty minutes.”

You bite your lip to stifle your laughter as well. Though something else occurs to you the longer you watch your son play and explore in the creek. Your dad has the patience of a saint as he puts yet another bait worm on the hook for the kid.

“He’s starting to ask questions, you know,” you tell Dean, in a quieter voice. “‘Why aren’t you and Daddy married? Why can’t we all live together?’”

Dean's brows raise. His good humor dims when he looks over at you.

“What do you tell him?” he asks.

You take in a deep breath, considering your words now as carefully as you did with your son.

“That we care about each other a lot, as friends,” you say, meeting Dean’s eyes. “And we love Robbie very much. Nothing’s going to change that, even if you and I aren’t together like a normal mom and dad.”

Saying it like that makes your heart twinge, for more than one reason. The way Dean’s mouth twitches into a rueful smile just makes it worse, but you try your best to ignore it.

“I never thought about having to explain it to him,” he says, rubbing a hand over his mouth.

It’s that anxious tell of his again. You notice every time he does it.

“I have,” you admit. “I just didn’t know for sure what I was going to say until it was coming out of my mouth.”

Dean smirks a little. “Yeah, that sounds like you.”

You roll your eyes and sip your drink, crossing your arms as well. Dean considers you then, looking at you in a way that makes you raise a brow in question.

“What?” you ask.

“Nothing, it’s just…” He sits back against the bench and rubs his hands down his jean-clad thighs. “For the record, I did try to ask you out once.”

“What?” you scoff incredulously. “No, you’ve been with Lisa since the beginning.”

“Before Lisa,” Dean says.

He isn’t joking. He isn’t teasing. He’s serious as he stares back at you with those green eyes of his. Your brows furrow as you wrack your brain. Did he drunkenly leave you a voicemail on one of those “off again” episodes between him and Lisa? No. You know you’d remember something like that.

“It was a few weeks after the bachelor party,” Dean says. “I called you up, remember?”

Your eyes widen. Finally, that jogs your memory.

“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition.

You have to laugh, shaking your head in disbelief.

“Dean, you did not ask me out,” you say. “You wanted to hook up. There’s a distinct difference.”

Dean frowns at you. “No, I was. I invited you over—”

“For essentially some Netflix and chill,” you retort.

“Hey, I offered to make you dinner,” he argues. “I didn’t say anything about hooking up.”

You pause at that. His earnest denial makes you actually think back to what you remember about that conversation on the phone.

“So I just thought maybe you and I could do something again. Maybe you wanna come over my place this time.” And there it is. You deflate at his words, shoulders sagging. The "convenient booty call" proposition. “I could make us some burgers, toss in a couple of beers and a movie night,” he adds.

You cover your lips with your fingers as you begin to realize…

“That was you asking me out?” you ask incredulously.

Dean’s brows furrow and he throws his hands up. “What? Who doesn’t like a little movie night?”

“Dean,” you huff another laugh. “You could’ve made it sound more like a date.”

“Well, ‘scuse me. Sorry I couldn’t afford the Ritz at the time,” he grumbles.

You sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”

The more you think about it, the more you just shake your head at yourself. Why did you have to overthink it, like you do everything?

“Wow,” you say, softer and more contrite. “I honestly never thought…”

“Yeah,” he says. He shifts his gaze out ahead.

You glance over at him, now more unsure of yourself. He wouldn’t have any regrets, you think. He has Lisa. As much as they go at it, they always inevitably get back together. And now you know they hired a realtor. They’re about to start making solid steps forward.

But Dean surprises you with another question.

“Do you think if…”

He doesn’t finish it, but you think you know what he’s asking. You hesitate, your fingers flexing around your glass that beads with condensation. You set the glass down beside you. 

Just as you open your mouth to reply—

“All right, pie is cooling and dinner is served!” your mom calls out. Her head pokes out of the sliding glass door to the backyard. You offer a smile, trying to hide how you jolted in your seat.

“Okay, thanks, Mom,” you nod.

You turn back to Dean, who also hesitates. His eyes meet yours, but all too soon, he locks the moment away.

Bracing his hands on his knees, he rocks to his feet and goes out to get Robbie and help your dad bring in the fishing gear.

You grab Dean’s whiskey along with your tea on your way back inside the house. You consider the amber liquid disturbed in his glass, and you down the rest yourself. The burn down your throat is a good distraction. If he asks about it, you’ll say you got the glasses confused.

You know you’ll have to leave that conversation unfinished at the foot of the bench.

Now...

Benny comes by your apartment and helps you into the passenger side of his pickup truck, like the gentleman he is. He takes you to a nice restaurant in downtown, much nicer than the usual sports bar or kid-friendly restaurant. You're very much looking forward to eating at a restaurant that doesn't feature chicken fingers or "kiddie" corn dogs.

“This is gonna be really expensive,” you whisper to him, after he hands his keys over to the valet. 

Benny squeezes your hand in his, leaning over to kiss your temple. 

“Don’t you worry about that. We both deserve a night out.” His blue eyes gleam with amusement. However, his gaze gentles, becoming more sincere. “You work hard, carin’ for everybody around you. How about you let me take care of you for once.”

Your eyes begin to water, your throat constricting with emotion. You rub his arm gratefully.

“Thank you,” you say. “You don’t know how much I appreciate that.” 

It’s always easy with Benny. Nice and simple and easy. Nice, supportive, and considerate.

Nice and safe.

That thought follows you while you and Benny walk into to the restaurant. He’s reserved great seats in the back corner, overlooking a beautiful courtyard. It’s decorated with hydrangeas and light wood dining tables, all framed with a rod iron archway as the sun begins to set just so. After holding your chair out for you before he sits himself, Benny orders a bottle of champagne to kick things off.

He turns to you with a somewhat nervous look in his eyes, like he's steeling himself. It’s uncharacteristic of Benny, who’s always so calm and charming and sure of himself. It makes a zing of anticipation run down your spine, and…a dash of fear. You don’t know why, and you don’t know how to beat the feeling down as you fidget in your seat.

He subtly clears his throat, then takes your hand. “Sweetheart, I know I’m not all that good at the words you’re supposed to say. But I can say that the past three years with you and Robbie, it’s come to mean the world to me.”

Your smile softens. He brushes his thumb over the back of your hand, encouraged by your reaction.

“So I think it’s time I made it clear where I stand, and how much I want to be the man in your life,” he says.

Your eyes begin to widen in shock, but not for the reason he thinks.

“Dean,” you gasp.

Benny’s expression slackens. “What?”

You point over his shoulder, and Benny turns to follow your line of vision. Dean and Lisa have just walked into the restaurant. They notice you pointing their way, and they both pause in surprise as well. Lisa is beautiful as usual in a slinky black dress, completely backless (something you feel you could never pull off, unless you had an invisible bra to keep the girls perked up).

Dean is…well, you’ve very rarely seen him in a suit, but charcoal gray works for him. The open collar and white buttoned-down works for him, as do the three top buttons he’s left undone, showing a tantalizing strip of tanned skin. He stares back at you like he forgot you live in the same time zone, let alone the same zip code.

“Uh, hey!” he casts out an awkward wave, before he makes his way over to you and Benny. Lisa is less than enthused.

“We shouldn’t interrupt their night,” you catch her whisper to him, but Dean doesn’t seem to hear her.

“What’s up, party people! Of all the gin joints in all the world, huh?” Dean says, a little too loudly when he thumps Benny on the back. Benny grunts, giving a bit of a forced chuckle.

“Dean,” he greets. “I think I told you about this particular gin joint. Good to see you can actually clean up once in a while.”

“Ah, you know what, this monkey suit ain’t too bad,” Dean says, pulling at his collar.

You smirk in amusement. “Yeah, I remember how much you complained about wearing a simple tie for Robbie’s Christmas pageant.”

He smirks down at you. “Hey, ties still might not be my thing, but nothing wrong with a sharp collar.”

He pops his for emphasis. You don’t know why it makes you laugh, but it does. Maybe it’s just his face and the silly, endearing expression he makes when he pouts his lips in a “blue steel.”

“So, is this just a night out, or you guys celebrating something special?” Dean asks, gesturing at the champagne bottle and your full glasses of bubbly.

Benny gives his friend a certain look. “Yeah, as a matter of fact. Today’s three years.”

He takes your hand and kisses your knuckles. You smile back at him, though you’re a bit self-conscious at the way both he and Dean, and even Lisa have their attention on you.

“We should let you guys get back to it then,” Lisa says.

Honestly, it’s a relief. You and Benny nod, wishing them a goodnight.

For some reason, you notice how Dean’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. But he goes with Lisa, laying a hand on the small of her back. You force yourself to tear your eyes away from them and refocus on Benny. You take up your champagne glass and raise it in offering.

“All right, where were we?” you ask, if with a nervous trill in your belly.

Benny smiles. He takes up his glass and clinks it with yours.

Lisa nearly sighs. She and Dean are back in line at the front of the restaurant, waiting to be seated. The second time she catches Dean glancing over at the table where you and Benny sit, she shakes her head and digs into her purse for the valet card. She’s done with this.

“I think maybe we should go to a different restaurant,” she says.

That finally earns Dean’s attention, mostly confused. “What, why?”

She just gives him a long look.

He realizes that whatever her reasons are, it’s easier to just give in than to fight her on it. He’s learning when to pick his battles. Or is he just giving up?

Also, if tonight’s “the night” he thinks it is for you and Benny, maybe he doesn’t want to stick around after all. Three years, huh?

“All right, fine. Let’s go,” he agrees.

Dean and Lisa wait for the valet to bring the Impala around. The minute he gets behind the wheel and turns the key into the ignition, she changes her mind.

“Look, let’s just go home,” she says. “I don’t really feel like eating out anymore.”

Dean’s brows raise. “What? Aw, come on. We’re already dressed and everything. You look great, Lis. Just tell me where you wanna eat.”

Lisa remains firm, with a small shake of her head. “Please, Dean, just take me home.”

After a moment of indecision, Dean sighs. He revs the ignition and does as she says.

It’s only a fifteen-minute drive back to their apartment, but in that stifling silence, it seems to drag on for a small eternity. He glances at her a couple of times. Lisa has her arms crossed as she stares out the window, watching the other restaurants and mom-and-pops shops and forest trees and old houses of Lebanon, Kansas go by.

Dean counts it a blessing when they’re finally home. He walks up the few short steps up to their ground-floor apartment and unlocks the door. He flicks on the lights inside, and she breezes past him to toss her purse onto the couch.

Dean takes off his blazer and begins to undo the buttons on his cuffs. He watches her all the while, knowing that a storm is brewing. She shucks off her heels and slowly paces the living room on bare feet, like her whirling thoughts are fueling every step.

“All right, I give. What’s going on?” Dean asks. “What’d I do this time?”

She pauses, with her back turned to him.

Shit, he thinks. He shouldn’t have said it like that.

He prepares for the inevitable blow up, but it never comes. Lisa just heaves a sigh. Slowly she turns, and Dean’s shocked and dismayed to see the tears welling up in her deep brown eyes. He makes quick strides toward her, but she raises a hand to keep him at bay.

“Dean, when you picture yourself happy, truly happy,” she says. “Is it with me? Can you imagine yourself marrying me? Buying the house, having kids, growing old together?”

If Dean was thrown for a loop before, he’s even more stunned by her question. “Lis…”

“Just be honest, for once,” she pleads. Her tears begin to brim over, but she blinks, somehow keeping them at bay.

It’s a bit too long before Dean realizes that he can’t give her an answer. At least, not the one he knows she wants to hear.

When he thinks of that picture in his mind, of course he sees his son. But the only other person Dean can imagine there beside him is…

“I…” He wills his mouth to work, but nothing else comes out.

The only face he can conjure is yours. Your eyes are warm and welcoming, your smile as bright and contagious as your laugh.

The only voice he can hear is yours, gentle and strong at the same time.

The only one he can see is you.

He knows the shampoo you use and the perfume you like to wear, how the sweet and floral scents mix together and linger in your hair and on your skin.

Even now he remembers the contours of your body, and how it could fit so well against his. He knows that you used to try and hide your shape under loose, baggy shirts and cargo pants that did nothing for you. He knows how much courage it took you to wear that red dress to his brother’s party, because you told him once, at one of those Sunday dinners at your parents’ house.

Come to think of it, there’s not a whole lot that Dean doesn’t know about you, except maybe what you see when you look at him.

“You love her,” Lisa finishes for him. “I think you always have.”

Dean’s throat tightens. Somehow he swallows anyway, and he shakes his head. 

“Lisa, I loved you.”

“Maybe you did, in your own way,” she says, laughing a little through her tears as she wipes them away. “But you already have a family, Dean. Go fight for it.” 

Dean doesn’t know what to say, but he knows what he can do.

He goes to her and kisses her cheek. 

“I’m so sorry,” he says. 

Lisa merely nods, wiping her face dry. She watches Dean Winchester walk out of her apartment, and out of her life for good this time. 

Dean calls your cell, but it goes to voicemail. He drives all the way back to the restaurant and doesn’t find you or Benny there. 

Dean realizes that what he’s doing, what he plans to do, is not fucking cool. He wouldn’t blame you or even Benny for being severely pissed when Dean shows up. He also knows that he can’t let another day pass where he keeps lying to you, and himself. 

He eventually finds you at home. What’s weird is that Benny’s truck isn’t in the driveway—just your car. He knocks on your door, and he waits.

He unconsciously holds his breath while he waits in that terrible existence of limbo. However, his heart thrums back to life when he hears your footsteps drawing closer to the door. Anticipation, excitement, dread, it all roils together inside him like a bad cocktail as the door swings open.

And he’s once again rendered a bit breathless at the sight of you in that dress. The color alone appeals to him, let alone the way it accentuates your every curve, from full breasts to the swell of your hips, the softer slope of your thighs, and bare toes painted. You’re fucking delectable, every curve, and a temptation without you even meaning to be. 

You’re just…you’re still so goddamn beautiful, like the night he first saw you. Even now, he can almost feel the give of your thighs under his hands, his fingers pressed to supple flesh. 

But then he’s drawn to your face, and your wide eyes full of surprise. Your mascara is a bit smudged though. Your eyes are red too, like you’ve been crying. His brows furrow in concern.

“Dean, what’re you doing here?” you ask.

“I need to talk to you, but uh…did something happen?” he asks. “You okay?”

You’re reluctant to tell him. Did Benny say something to upset you? Or was it something he did?

“Yeah, I’m okay,” you say.

Instinctively, Dean knows it’s a lie.

“This isn’t a good time though,” you say, after clearing your throat. “Can we do this tomorrow, maybe?”

Dean leans a hand on the doorframe.

“Please, it’s important,” he says. His eyes implore you harder than his words. Please.

That does it. A sigh passes through your lips, but you let him in. He knows Robbie is with your parents for the night, which actually makes this easier.

Once he steps inside the apartment, Dean does notice that your bedroom door is open. Half the drawers to your dresser are open too, and empty. Certain frames that used to be on your coffee table are no longer there, like the one of you, Benny, and Robbie on a camping trip. 

“You want some coffee, or soda?” you ask. 

Dean declines and grasps your arm before you can busy yourself into “hostess” mode. He leads you to the couch, where you both sit down together.

“What happened tonight?” he asks. “Where’s Benny?”

Your lower lip wobbles, the beginning of your telltale cry face. Dean knows his son gets it from you, and it always breaks his heart. He squeezes your arm gently, trying to ground you.

“Benny proposed to me tonight,” you confess, taking in a sharp breath. “He proposed, and I couldn’t give him an answer.” 

You shake your head as the tears sting hot in your eyes. 

“He got so upset, he just—he left!” You throw your hands up. “But honestly, I don’t blame him.”

Dean tries to comfort you as you try and fail to wipe at your face. He wraps an arm around your shoulders, cupping your cheek to brush the tears away himself. 

“Why couldn’t you answer him?” he asks. 

You look up at Dean, and you finally notice the shine of hope in his eyes. Dean touches your cheek more tenderly. 

“Does it mean I have a chance here?” he asks.

Despite what your eyes tell you, you still gape at him in shock. “What? But…what about Lisa?”

“It’s over. For good this time,” Dean shakes his head. “I realized what I wanted for my life, and where my heart is…”

And he chuckles weakly. “Truth is, you’ve had it the whole time, sweetheart.”

You begin to crumble all over again. You pull away from him and his touch, because you can’t believe it. You cover your face with your hands, sniffling as you try to make sense of his words, his touch, and the warm flutter threatening to brim happiness in your heart.

“God, Dean. You can't just..."

"I mean it," he insists.

You're still reluctant to take him seriously...no matter how much you want to. It's a conflicting realization that hurts, and makes you feel stupid for taking so long to figure it out, and makes you hate yourself for hoping his words are true.

"Come the morning, you’re going to change your mind,” you reason, without looking at him. “Like you’ve done with Lisa a thousand times.”

“No,” Dean says firmly. He shifts closer and prompts you to look at him, really look at him.

“Not about this, and you know it,” he says, catching and holding your gaze. “That’s why you couldn’t say yes to Benny. Because you know what we’ve got. It’s the real deal.”

You still look uncertain, even though you can’t bring yourself to pull away this time. Dean has always had this way of looking into the very depths of you, like he can actually see every thought as it passes through your mind.  

“I should’ve said yes,” you say. “I can rely on Benny. I know he would stay by my side, and…and I know he won’t hurt me.”

Not like I’ve just hurt him, you think. Guilt still pricks at your heart. The last thing you ever wanted to do was lead him on, and yet, that’s what you’d done, wasn’t it? You thought you had loved him. You’re sure that you did, but maybe it just wasn’t the kind of love that could reach down deep and grab you, set your blood on fire, and make you ache when the burn was gone.

That spark licks across your skin when Dean takes your hands.  

“What if I want to be that guy for you,” he says.

You allow yourself to look at him. Really look at him.

You know Dean. When he gets an idea in his head, it inhabits every bone and shred of muscle in his body. There’s no mistaking his resolve, or the steady grip of his hands over yours.

“If you let me, I’ll stay. I won’t leave you,” he says. In his eyes, there’s a firm promise. “I can be the guy you rely on. The man you can trust. The man who’s gonna love you, come whatever. Because now I know what it means. I know how it feels.”

You bite your lower lip against the smile that wants to surface.

“Are you sure?” you ask.

Dean smiles for you. “If you wanna know the truth, I’m pretty sure I’ve been loving you since the day I heard Robbie’s heartbeat for the first time.” 

Your tears flow harder at that. A shaky breath escapes you, though it does nothing to steady you. Dean strokes your cheek gently with his thumb. 

“Please, just give me this one chance,” he asks. Begs, really. 

He doesn’t have to though. You nod, just a little. 

“Okay,” you agree. “Let’s try.”

Dean's smile spreads slow, but warm across his face. It’s your favorite kind, the kind that crinkles his eyes. 

He leans in and claims your lips with his own. The passion of it is familiar, but you don't think it’s the same as five years ago. Now, there’s an underlying note of tenderness in his touch and each new way he tastes you deeper. He holds nothing back this time, and neither do you. 

Your fingers tangle in his shirt, and then in his hair as you moan into his mouth. “Dean.”

“Yeah, sweetheart?” he answers against your lips, though he doesn’t give you much room to keep talking.

You haven’t heard him call you sweetheart in a long time. You feel your heart knitting back together, stitch by stitch. Tears sting in your eyes anew, but you squeeze your eyes shut against them.

“I…”

You can’t even continue the breathless thought. You hold his face desperately between your hands, pressing your forehead to his for a moment as you both catch your breath. But this man is like the sweetest, most seductive vice. Now that you’ve gotten another hit, you can’t resist. You no longer want to.

His arms wrap around you more securely, and he leans in to lure you back into his kiss. His tongue breaches past your lips to curl along yours with tantalizing strokes. His hands slowly move down your back and along your waist.

“Mmm, missed the hell outta this,” he groans into your mouth. Your heart flutters again at the way he holds you, the way his big hands squeeze you and feel you.

You let him guide you down onto the sofa cushions. He slots himself between your bare thighs and runs his hand up familiar smooth skin, bunching the skirt of your dress higher as he goes. He aims to get himself reacquainted with every soft part of you that welcomes him back.

For once, the gates around your hearts swing free. 

Dean never imagined that his own son would hand him the ring he gives to his wife, but today, it just feels like symmetry. He grins and winks at Robbie.

“Thanks, buddy,” Dean says.

His son’s beaming grin is wide and toothy, but the boy takes his job very seriously and delivers the other ring to you. You smile brightly and caress his cheek after you take the shining, white gold band from him. It matches the thinner band that Dean has for you; it'll soon join the engagement ring that once belonged to his mother.

Robbie had liked Benny a lot, but he loves his dad. He’s probably the happiest person in the room to see his parents take each other’s hands in front of the minister. 

Benny is understandably absent in the chapel today. You had met with him after that night of your botched anniversary to apologize to him, and so had Dean. Benny understood. He’d admitted that in the back of his mind, he feared this might happen.

“I wouldn’t blame you for being angry with me,” you said to him. “You can even hate me if you want.” Benny gave you a wry, melancholy sort of smile. “Part of me’s still mad at you, I won’t lie…but there’s no use in it. Not even hating you.”

Even though Benny bowed out, carrying his hurt and his grief on those broad shoulders, letting you go meant letting go of a friend too. He put in his paperwork to transfer out of Firehouse 83.

As he’d told Dean himself that day, and in fact, the last words Benny said to him…

“There you go, Lieutenant. A spot’s just opened up.”

Dean didn’t want to get promoted this way. He felt guilty enough as it was, and not just for Benny leaving the firehouse. Benny recommended Dean to the Chief himself though, saying that if they were going to give someone a Lieutenant’s badge, it may as well be the guy who got a perfect score on his test, and had the natural leadership skills to boot.

To the end, Benny was a gentleman.

Now, Sam beckons his nephew over. Robbie quickly goes to his uncle’s side and puffs his little chest out as he stands proud behind his dad. 

Dean is able to take you in, your beautiful white dress, and everything about you that makes him smile…including the way you smile back at him.

Man and wife is all he hears. It’s all he needs to hear, before he’s pulling you closer by your newly anointed hand. He dips you for a thorough kiss in front of all your family and friends. 

You squeal in surprise, making Dean smile hard enough for his cheeks to hurt. Giggling hard enough to make you tremble, you raise a hand to caress his cheek. But you give him another real kiss after he guides you back up to your feet.

“I love you,” you whisper against his lips. The words are just for him to hear. Dean pulls back enough to see the truth shining in your eyes. Beautiful.

“Can’t help it, right?” he teases. 

You smile in amusement, but you grab his chin and shake it. 

“You got me,” you reply. “I really, really can’t.”

Your beaming smile softens. Even though the entire room is clapping and hooting and hollering in celebration, in that moment, all you really see is Dean. 

Here in his arms, you know that this is where you were meant to end up. From now on, it’s where you’re meant to be.

AN: From Lisa and Benny to Robbie and everything in between. Dean and the reader certainly aren't perfect in this, but what do you think about how their story unfolded? I truly hope you guys enjoy this one, because I've had so much fun with it. 🥰❤️❤️‍🔥

So please let me know what you thought! 😘

⋆˙⟡ Keep Reading: The Epilogue

"Shall I stay? Would it be a sin, if I can't help falling in love with you?"

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[bbywonu]

lollipops. vernon.

masterlist

a/n: guys i literally dreamt this whole scenario. ok baiii i have superpowers. also i did not proofread this sorry x

requested: no <3

summary: you like him. he likes you. flirting ensues.

word count: 800

Vernon came over and stood in front of me as he held a bowl filled with lollipops in his hands. He looked really handsome today, but I could never tell him that for the teasing would be endless. Plus, I may have been trying to act hard to get just for the sake of poking fun at him.

“The stylists did a really good job with designing the new outfits.” I said as I pointed specifically to Jeonghan and Seungkwan who sat together in the corner. All of the boys looked good, but those two in particular caught my eye since they were the only ones who were a little more blinged out than the others. 

“Well what about mine?” He said with a slight pout. Past the puppy dog eyes, I could see his teasing look. 

 “You want me to give you a compliment?” 

He nodded in response as I looked away shyly. I couldn’t stare into his eyes for too long or I knew that I would blush. Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious to everyone that I had a crush on him. I couldn’t help it, every time I was around him he would make my heart race and make me stutter over my words. He wasn’t stupid, of course he knew that I had a crush on him so that’s why he resorts to the endless teasing. If I didn’t know any better than I would think that he liked me back, but I guess we’ll just have to play the waiting game. 

I shook my head at him. There was no way that I’d give into his little antics, no matter how cute he was. I shot him a playful grin as I raised my eyebrow at him, anticipating his next move. He cleared his throat before looking around at everyone in the room, before he collided his eyes straight with mine once again.

He then proceeded to step up onto the platform I was on, causing me to scoot back in order to be able to get a better look at him. He was much taller than I had originally thought. Of course, he was much more handsome, especially since our faces were just inches away. Our eyes looked deep into each others almost as if we were trying to track down the others next move. My cheeks reddened as I noticed that I was staring.

“You’re tall.” I commented. I took a step back as I put my head down, trying not to let him notice how much the close proximity between us had affected me. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” He said slyly as he raised up a glass bowl filled with lollipops. I scoffed in response at his deception.

“Do you want one?” The smirk that he held on his face gave me mixed feelings. On one hand, I wanted to hit him because of how foolish I was to fall for his tricks. On the other hand, I really wanted to kiss him on his stupid pink lips. 

I laughed as I smiled up at him, digging my hand around in the bowl as I asked him which flavor was his favorite.

“Red”

“Green” I said, simultaneously. “Tsk. Dang, for a minute there I almost thought that we could have been soulmates.” I turned away from him with a playful grin as I tapped him on the shoulder with my lollipop. Not before long, I felt a tugging at my wrist as he turned me around to face him.

I was pulled quickly into his chest as I could smell his cologne stronger than before. My breath quivered as I craned my neck to look up at him. His hair, though slightly ruffled, laid perfectly styled. I could see the tips of his mouth start to form into a small grin.

“Whatever happened to opposites attract?” We made eye contact for a few moments more before I was sure that my heart could no longer bare the pounding in my chest. I felt my cheeks get even hotter. I wasn’t prepared for him to say that. Nonetheless, I wasn’t prepared for him to say something that made me feel something for him even more. 

I just smiled at him as I turned around and walked back to my group. Little did we know that we had had a few onlookers who were more than enjoying the scene unravel before them. Hopefully they would spare me the embarrassment of what they had just witnessed, but judging from past situations, I’m sure at least one person would grab at that chance. That one person most likely being none other than our angel, Yoon Jeonghan. 

[purplerose244]

My thoughts on Seabound!!! 🌊🌊🌊 (1/4)

SPOILERS ALERT!!!

Finally Nya's season! Our queen, our water goddess, our amazing girl gets what she deserves! 😍😍😍

What I know about the season beforehand is that Nya's powers apparently are getting problematic for some reasons? Which is a pretty common topic in other shows but it's a first in Ninjago, usually the elemental powers don't have focus and I LOVE that we now get to see stuff like that 💕💕💕

I know there should be Wojira involved, trusting The Island to deliver that little foreshadowing at the end of the episode 🤷‍♀️ Also Maya is back... MAYA IS FINALLY BACK AFTER SEVEN SEASONS YES!!! 😭😭😭

I have nothing else to say, I have no idea what this will bring, hopefully something as good as Master of the Mountain! 🖤

Alright, here we go!

GENERAL THOUGHTS

Warning reader, I might be fangirling to an extreme because I love mah girl Nya and I've been wanting Kai and Nya's parents to be back ever since Hands of Time ended. So yeah... screaming alert 😅

At this point I don't doubt that the intro is great, we reached such a level of animation and we got The Fold 😍😍 Love the marine vibe and how it's similar to The Island, because it's a great intro 👌

NOW I like the writing! Maybe they rushed the dialogue's quality for The Island to get here? It's just fun and in character, maybe it's just me but I'm enjoying it a lot for now

How many episodes are in this? Wiki says ten, then I checked again and it's sixteen like with Master of Mountain... eh, it looks good so far so it's fine whatever happens 🤷‍♀️

A BIG SPLASH

Oohhh, new villain! One that uses... flames... huh, does she know there's literally a master of fire in the ninja team? Eh whatever she looks cute, give it up for Miss Demeanor!! 👏👏

Wait... OMG IS THAT ERIN MATTHEWS??? WE GOT MACY!! ❤❤❤

Whoa, we're finding out where did the order of the vengestone from season 13 come from?? YAS! CONTINUITY!

Yep, there it is, Nya lost control... her attacks look so cool 😍

Lol that kid trying to be a nindroid and Zane being offended 😂😂 Sorry hun, you're that popular

Aaahhh, thank you Ninjago! You gave me back Nya the perfectionist 😂 I was worried her reaction to her powers wasn't going to be in character but it looks fair so far. Brings me back to Possession, my favorite season 💙💙💙

WE GOT BACK THE FACT THAT SHE CAN MAKE IT RAIN!!! YAS!!! I might be easy to please but I love these details 🤩

🤯🤯🤯 Okay they are definitely going somewhere this time and I LOVE IT, because wow. WOW. Are we actually addressing the forever questioned fact that wind and water weren't elements that Chen needed at the Tournament? Are we giving a reason for them to exist outside the main set of elements and the elemental masters?? Duuuude, season 15 don't let me stop you, keep going 😍

Mm, so water and wind are connected to Wojira (now I see the connection with the special). Are we setting the ground for a new master of wind? 😏😏 It's risky going for a Morro replacement but it's a super intriguing idea! Oooor Edgy Boy TM might come back? WHO KNOWS I'M CURIOUS ANYWAY 🤩

Love how it is universal knowledge that Nya is super indipendent 👌

YES YES FINALLY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MAYA!!! 😍😍😍 Is it too much hoping into a Ray cameo as well?? Pleaaaase? Also addressing Krux after so many seasons, this feels exciting!! 😊

This is what I'm talking about, training, fighting scenes, show me everything that water goddess can do! 🌊🌊🌊

Aaahhh, Nya flexing her mightiness through anger, just to remind us that she is the descendant of a water master as much as of a fire master 😅

YES YES YES YES IT'S HAPPENING FINALLY AFTER SEVEN SEASON THE FIRE WATER PARENTS ARE FINALLY BACK!!! 🔥🌊🔥🌊🔥🌊 I'M SO HAPPY I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SO LONG!!! 😭

RAY IS THERE TOO HECK YES!!!! 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 I shouldn't get this excited at only the first episode... WHO CARES RAY IS BAAAAACK!!! ❤❤❤

Omg Maya is definitely different from what I expected, turns out Kai's enthusiasm came from her 😂

Oh look at my flame babe 😍

He's so happy his parents are here, he's a total family man ❤❤❤

Nya is maaaaad... 😅

THERE SHE IS

WELCOME BACK JILLIAN I MISSED YOU 💚💚💚 Would it be too much having a "Your voice sounds familiar" moment with Maya and Lloyd? 😂

I'm so stoked for this! I want all the interactions I've missed for all of this time, asap!! HECK yes!! 😍😍😍😍

Oh, are we looking over the Miss Demeanor, vengestone situation? Mm... for now at least... WHO CARES FIRE WATER PARENTS!! 🔥🌊🔥🌊🔥🌊

THE CALL OF THE DEEP

Imma just slow clap for The Fold because this is another amazing intro, one of those things in this show that stays awesome no matter what happens 👍👍

So Maya gave Nya her discipline and perfectionism, but not the passion behind it 😂 I like this, it's not your conventional master of water, although I'd say it's different from the impression she gave me back in HoT. Maybe this is how she is when she's not trapped for fifty years? 😅😅

Is it too much asking for Kai and Ray bonding while the water women get the work done? 😅😅

Is this the sequel of Green Eggs and Ham?

Green Pancakes and Ham? 😂

Oh it's seaweed nevermind... at breakfast? I'm all for sushi rolls but this is a little 😅 Although since Maya missed their childhood she probably never cooked meals for them... how did I get myself sad 😢

Whoa, Maya is a strict teacher! I got flashbacks from my first and only dance lesson, teachers nitpicking every single pose, uuurrrggg I feel ya waterlily 😡

Again, not a fan of Misako, but coming from her the whole speech about wanting to be there for her child makes a lot of sense

Yes. YES.

YEEEEESSSS KAI AND RAY FAMILY BONDING THIS IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED I'M GETTING ALL OF MY WISHES GRANTED FOR THIS ONE ❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤🔥❤

AND MY FLAME BABE IS SO GLAD HE GOT HIS PARENTS!!! 😭😭😭

Lol with Kai's new hair they look even more related 🤣

Ray also sounds so happy he gets to have his moment with his son 😢 I feel so blessed in this moment 👍

Also this scene makes a lot of sense. Nya grew up to be indipendent, one that succeed in most of stuff without problems, she built her life without any help and doesn't look for it. Kai grew up more insecure, he got some walls up but loves to take care of others and be taken care of. With a childhood lost he looks forward to a bit of softness ❤❤

Did Maya make real bacon for that sandwich? Do I smell some favoritism? 😅 Or maybe she really wants Nya to get onto the water mind setting idk 🤷‍♀️

Little tiny complain, why isn't Jay doing the fixing? Did he give up mechanics completely? It feels like we haven't seen him do tech stuff in so long, I miss techy boy in action 😞

And no, having to check on the bathroom doesn't count 😅

Aww robot date 💜🤍💜🤍

AAAHH ROBOT DISASTER 😱😱😱 ZANE DANG IT YOU WERE DOING SO GOOD NOT TRYING TO DIE IN THE LAST TWO SEASONS!!

Oh that was weird, weird magic purple wave thingie?

I DID NOT ASK FOR A SEASON WITH A BEST GIRL AT THE EXPENCE OF ANOTHER BEST GIRL PIX DON'T YOU DARE DO THIS TO ME 😱😱😱😱😱

"Well this is troubling." I love this samurai so freaking much 💜💜💜

GUYS THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND EPISODE, I'M A LITTLE SCARED NOW 😢

Okay Nya admitting that something's wrong looking so apologetic, girl you don't need to do that you already own my heart 😭

Alright, I'm guessing this is Wojira's power or something, and they will have to go down below and find out why... just throwing this in, maybe Maya did something? Because she wanted to finally be with her family and needed an excuse? JUST A THEORY WITH NO BASE I REALLY HOPE I'M WRONG!!!

Okay, two episodes and I'm BEYOND engaged, let's keep it up! 😍

UNSINKABLE

Getting an idea how this episode might end already 😂😂

Look, I love best girl Pixal, but I'm kinda sad that she seems to be the only one tinkering at this point. Like, I saw Nya fix little stuff, while Jay dropped engineering altogether, I miss my engineers team 😭

Aww, the guys didn't want to crush Pixal's dream of an unsinkable boat 💜 But honestly yeah, I agree with Cole, this might end badly 😅😅

Thank goodness

I was worried they forgot about Jaya ❤💙❤💙 Jay is such a cutie omg

Nya: Mm, going on a potentially dangerous mission with unstable powers in the heart of my element or... mom's tofu pancakes... *yeets herself over the ship*

I'm making too many screenshots of the Smith family... WHO CARES THEY ARE BACK AND THEY ALL LOOK SO GOOD!!! 😍😍😍😍

Aww Ray wants to play with his son and his friends so CUTE ❤❤❤ Still can't believe they play Prime Empire after everything that went down 😂😂

Whoa whoa whoa, Kai and Cole are sitting this one out? That's actually interesting, I'm pretty sure I saw Cole's scuba suit in the sets though so I didn't expect it... lol it's actually kinda fair that the two that used to be afraid of water aren't going 😂😂

Bet Kai is happy to stay behind because he gets to spend time with his dad 😭

Also studying the fire elementals?? Uhm, yes please?? TELL ME EVERYTHING ABOUT MY FLAME BABE!!! 😍😍😍😍

I'm sure this one scene...

... made so many lavashippers happy ❤🖤❤🖤 Cole you got Ray's blessing

Ninja team acting cool while Jay is being Jay, it's how it always goes, it's the entire show's description and I absolutely love it 😂 That wink though 💙

PIRATE ZANE IS BACK 😂😂😂 Haven't seen him since Possession, and this time he's not even malfunctioning 👌 Pixal is so done with his dorky boyfriend 😝

Of course Jay already has a ghost butler theory going on 😂

OF COURSE IT'S MAYA 😂😂

To be honest muffins would sold me too 😅 Not sure if she will make them out of tofu again though...

It's actually really interesting that we still haven't met the actual enemies, it does build up excitment! Very curious about these squid guys 👍

Well what do you know, the Unsinkable sank. Who would have thought?

... yeah same, sorry Pix 😅

FIVE THOUSANDS FATHOMS DOWN

Aaaahhh, Nya fixing stuff! That's more like it!! 😍😍

Oww, that one speech, I've been waiting for so long for that! Maya just wants to catch up with her daughter and it's not her fault she was separated from her children, but Nya did everything on her own with Kai. Only fair she isn't seeking for her help right now... still sad 😢

Pff, with this ninja team there's not a moment of privacy 😂😂

Maya cleaning his future son-in-law's laundry what the HECK 😂😂😂 To be fair Jay has a bit of a history of having to change underwears during sea travels 😝

Zane was attached to a battery? When?... are you talking about that one scene in Prime Empire? Cause that's not really a flashback I wanna ha- whoops never mind got the flashback 😱

Maya looks more calm now, I think she's trying to act more reasonable and she's got good points 👍 I know people were a little weirded out by how more cheerful she looks in comparison to Hands of Time, but I think she gets the most serious and rational when time needs. That's actually fascinating of her 🤔

CALLING OUT AN ATTEMPTED MURDER

THIS GIRL IS TOO GORGEOUS MY HEART CAN'T TAKE IT 🤩🤩🤩 Like my gosh that smirk, what the heck Pix 💜💜💜

Okay but Jay looking at Nya until the doors are completely closed?? CAN YOU FEEL MY JAYA HEART BEATING?? ❤💙❤💙

Whoa green gas I thought this was Nya's season 😂

MAYA WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS STUFF YOU'RE SCARING ME 😱😱😱 I SWEAR LEGO IF YOU BROUGHT BACK WATER MOM JUST TO KILL HER OFF I'M GONNA SUE YOU 😭😭😭

I really REALLY like the atmosphere of the entrante of the temple! Super sealike and ancient! 🌊🌊🌊

Maya: off we go, into the spooky old temple! (Why does it feel like something Kai would say? 😂)

Oh gee, someone sleeping in the deep, who could that be? Coff Wojira coff

Whoa the jellyfishes look pretty lifelike!

HERE HE COMES

WELCOME BACK GILES!!! ONCE AGAIN ON A LEGO SHOW I MISSED YOU SO MUCH YOU AND YOUR GODLIKE VOICE!!! 😍😍😍😍 Gosh he's a villain but he's got Clay's voice, how can I even try to hate him?? 😅

Alright, knocking down my water girls, that is pretty hateful material... BUT CLAAAYYY 💙💙💙

So they need the two amulets to wake up Wojira? Isn't one on the island? Fire dad and son coming to the rescue? WHO KNOWS BUT I'M ENJOYING THIS A LOT SO FAR KEEP GOING SEABOUND 😍😍😍

[enigmaticexplorer]

I was giggling and kicking my feet when I first wrote the beginning of this chapter 😂 "Each morning started with a kiss" made me so happy; so much so that I would reread it on occasion haha. But on a deeper level, it was important to me to portray their relationship with these slow steps: kisses, making out. There seems to be an increasing expectation in relationships that the moment you commit, you have to completely give yourself to the physical. And, as someone who has to take those slow steps first, I wanted that to be shown.

But this was actually beautiful, because it could have been a huge issue. It was almost a huge issue. But Wolffe didn't ALLOW it to be.

And that was the entire point of the scene! To show how much Kazi can overthink a situation, but then balance it with Wolffe's "I'm not going to accept that shit" personality. It's such an important moment in their relationship: Kazi is outright told that she's overreacting (which needed to hear from someone she respects and trusts, without being humiliated or demeaned for it); and Wolffe gets a glimpse into her. That glimpse is everything, because he knows she overthinks, but he hadn't realized the depth that it could go. So he's figuring more about her. And vice versa, Kazi's learning more about him - this is the way he shows his love, and he likes doing that, and even if it makes her uncomfortable, she has to get over it.

I think firm Wolffe does something for me. I can't think of the word I want to describe him. He's not mean. He's not aggressive. He's not domineering. He is just firm with her. Firm about this. And he's not going to budge about it.

This is literally my favorite characteristic about Wolffe in this fic. It's a fine line between being respectfully firm without crossing boundaries into controlling territory. Wolffe respects Kazi; but he also won't accept this type of treatment - the type of treatment that disrespects his actions. He understands Kazi's hesitance and control issues, but he's not going to let those dictate their relationship. I don't know if that makes sense...it's just how I like Wolffe. Respectful but firm in his beliefs and how he wants to be treated.

Oh dang!! And to know she would have if no one else had been there? That was a good sign of things to come!!

Yes! I think it's been a month since they first established their relationship (I can't remember the exact passing of time), but Wolffe is ready for that next step in their physical relationship. He's been ready for a long time. But he's not going to pressure Kazi. And the comment is so simple, and maybe to some readers it's meaningless, but for me it shows Wolffe letting Kazi know that he's ready whenever she is - but that there still isn't pressure. He'd like to get to that point; but he's more than willing to wait, too. And the comment shows Wolffe initiating, which is important, because Kazi wouldn't do that. She would overthink it, so much so that she'd back out. So this is Wolffe reminding her that he's here and ready when she is. (I like to think he'd make comments like that often enough just to remind her, but not too much that it would seem like he's only interested in fucking her.)

It was so sweet when he unbraided her hair. Such a small thing, but it showed how comfortable they both are getting with each other.

It's a symbolic moment, too, because Kazi wears her braids as a defense mechanism. In the earlier chapters, it had mentioned that they were used to give off the portrayal of control and competence. With Wolffe unravelling her braids, he's metaphorically taking down her walls, letting her be her true self with him, letting her know that he sees past the competence and control issues and sees her for her. And then it's balanced with Wolffe admitting he wants to be needed. He shows himself through his actions, such as earlier that morning with breakfast. Admitting he wants to be needed is his vulnerability; and it's a BIG vulnerability. He's letting Kazi know that even though he may come across as confident and self-assured in himself, he still has his own doubts about his worth. He's a clone; he's believed his entire life he was nothing more than just a clone; so to want to be needed by someone tells him that he's more than a clone.

because early on, before my husband and I were actually dating, back when we were just hanging out in a grouup...my friend came up with some lame excuse to take his picture. He said after we were together that he knew she was doing it for me.

This is so cute! It genuinely made me smile!

I Yearn, and so I Fear - Chapter XIX

Masterlist | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

General Summary. Nearly a year since the Galactic Empire’s rise to power, Kazi Ennari is trying to survive. But her routine is interrupted—and life upended—when she’s forced to cohabitate with former Imperial soldiers. Clone soldiers. 

Pairing. Commander Wolffe x female!OC

General Warnings. Canon-typical violence and assault, familial struggles, terminal disease, bigotry, explicit sexual content, death. This story deals with heavy content. If you’re easily triggered, please do not read. For a more comprehensive list of tags, click here.

Fic Rating. E (explicit)/18+/Minors DNI.

Chapter Word Count. 5.8K

A Like without a Reblog will result in an automatic block.

19 Relona

Each morning started with a kiss. 

Some mornings—when Kazi saw Wolffe for the first time in the kitchen—the kisses were chaste. A soft peck to her cheek or temple.

Other mornings—when she joined Wolffe on his runs, or he joined her swims—the kisses were…more.

The gray of nautical twilight, and the silence of the quiescent jungle, offered them privacy.

Her back pressed to an elder tree as Wolffe mouthed on her neck. Held her face in his hands. Ran his palms beneath her shirt and touched her skin, his thumbs caressing the underside of her breasts. 

Wolffe was a haven, his body aligned to hers as she sought him. Skimmed her hands along the planes of his back, traced the tattoos of his left arm, licked his neck and kissed behind his ear. He held her so tightly she thought he’d never let her go. 

Intentionality dominated their friendship.

Evenings were spent as a group, the men’s rescue missions rarer since the Senate’s clone-decommissioning bill: board games, lake swims, starry hikes, holofilms Neyti picked. 

Kazi taught Cody her favorite Ceaian recipes, and he lent her his favorite book: techniques of the galaxy’s most famous painters. Some mornings, when she didn’t work, he explained his own paintings—the thematic coloring and symbolic styles and the reasons for certain brush strokes. It gave her an opportunity to understand Neyti better. 

Some nights, Kazi listened to Nova’s studies on war-related trauma, its effect on survivor’s guilt, recent advancements in cognitive behavioral therapy. She, in turn, helped him with his quilt. (Her stitches lacked his precision but he didn’t mind, even if she did catch him smothering a smile when she called it quits, most times, after half an hour.)

Fox was teaching her how to wood carve. However, and much to his amusement, she was abysmal. Most times, while Kazi tried to mimic his hand placement and the movement of the knife, Neyti joined them, feigning interest in Kazi’s carving. The little girl’s true motivation was obvious, though: Neyti liked to listen to Fox’s stories. 

The stories were war-based. Daring rescue missions. Intense battles. Developed comradery. Heart-breaking sacrifice. Some of the stories Kazi recognized; others were new. She was no less enthralled than Neyti.  

“I read up on every battle. Every mission,” Fox told her one night. “I had to. It was part of my job.” He gazed out the windows, took in the starlit sky. She could imagine him doing the same on Coruscant. Watching the sky. Waiting. “And I kept tabs on my brothers—made sure they were still alive. It made some days easier.”

Only after Kazi read Neyti to sleep would she and Wolffe spend time together. Alone. 

They laid a blanket outside and watched the moons rise; they went for late-night walks along the jungle’s paths; they enjoyed dessert on the back porch, illuminated by lightning bugs and a lantern; they swam in the lake, admiring the bioluminescent flora that lit the lake’s depths. 

They shared stories about their childhood, and she listened to Wolffe describe his missions throughout the war, and he listened to her sailing adventures and the caves she frequented. 

Similar to their mornings, though, they reverted to debates. Politics, historical recounts, scientific advancements, philosophical theories Kazi had no business arguing in favor of or against. 

Sometimes, at the bottom of the staircase, the hour late, they couldn’t part ways. 

“Without a central authority,” Kazi argued, “there’s risk of chaos and general inability to address large-scale problems.”

“You’re assuming the central authority would address those problems.” Wolffe rolled his eyes. “Central authorities prioritize their own interests. They don’t give a shit about the people.”

“The Jedi cared.”

“The Jedi were confined by the Senate’s decisions. And their political power was minimal. Nonexistent by the end.”

“If the Jedi had been a true central authority, would your opinion be different?”

“I…would’ve put my trust in them.” He squared his shoulders. “But only them.”

While Wolffe was intentional with their time, he was also intentional in giving Kazi space. 

On her off days, she and Daria and Neyti wandered around Hollow’s Town, neighboring towns, or the capital: toured museums, attended orchestral concerts, perused Eluca’s historical sites. 

Meanwhile, Wolffe and his brothers lived their own lives: visits to the local theater, flights to Eluca’s less-inhabited neighboring planets, outdoor recreation, cantina hopping, meetings with other deserted troopers offplanet. They even lent a hand on Fehr’s farm, on the occasion. 

Wolffe was easy to be with, a constant presence Kazi found solace in.

There was a balance, and her walls—those damn walls she relied on for so, so long—were weakening. Like, after so many years, they had reached their breaking point.

She was…happy.

And in the middle of the night, when she lay alone in her bed and couldn’t stop herself from overanalyzing, that cold voice whispered in her ear, You don’t deserve this.

(She knew this, of course.)

Remember what you did to Papa? it demanded.

(It had haunted her for seventeen years; she had never forgotten.)

But it was easier to ignore the voice, to avoid its insistent lull, when she awoke each morning to a kiss.

Four new dragon carvings stalked the shelves of the white bookcase. Varying in size and color, they seemed to eye Kazi as she descended the staircase.

The dragons were Neyti’s idea. An unspoken request one night before bed, the little girl’s own carving snuggled in her arms.

So, one afternoon, Kazi, Neyti, and Daria visited the Marketplace, tracking down a carver who studied Neyti and Daria’s drawings, offered his recommendations, and then spent three weeks creating the figurines. 

The blue-gray dragon, its spikes sharp though its face was soft, prowled alongside Kazi’s. Neyti tended to play with the dragons and reposition them, waiting for one of the adults to notice. Her toothy grin whenever she was caught never failed to make Kazi chuckle.

Smiling at the thought, Kazi reached the final step, rounding the corner. 

The smell of baking bread, spiced fruit, and something else, familiar yet unidentifiable, wafted through the air. She frowned at the scent. It tugged on a memory, like a hand reaching through the fibers of time and space, and yet she couldn’t place—

Kazi staggered to a halt. 

At the stove, Wolffe was frowning at his datapad, a spatula in his hand. A plate of well-baked cakes—their dough cooked to a light brown—rested on the counter. Nearby, a pot of carmine sauce simmered. 

Sea-cakes.

Wolffe had prepared her favorite meal. One of her mother’s recipes. A staple from weekends with her family when they would gorge themselves before spending the entirety of the day at the beach.

The last time her mother had made sea-cakes, she was fourteen, and she refused. Her mother’s hurt expression—green eyes dull and mouth pinched—sometimes haunted her nightmares.

Shoving aside the memory, Kazi blinked at Wolffe. Apathy kept his expression even as he scrutinized her.

“You made breakfast,” Kazi said. Even to her ears her voice sounded unnatural. Too high. Forcibly cheerful. 

Wolffe considered her for a quiet moment. “I did.”

Grimacing, she stepped closer to the kitchen bar. Pink flower petals, frail and faint, splotched the metal bar, and she grabbed one, rolling it between her fingers. 

The dead petals belonged to the dying bouquet she’d given Wolffe two weeks ago, one of many the last month. (She secretly liked the way he studied each bouquet, his touches gentle and smile soft.) Typically, Wolffe kept the bouquets in the basement—to brighten the atmosphere. However, Neyti had loved the white-flecked petals so much that he kept this bouquet upstairs. 

Now it was dead. Littering the kitchen. She should’ve realized it yesterday, or the day before, and thrown the bouquet out and bought a new one. Fuck.

Kazi smiled. “I’m sure your brothers will appreciate it.”

Wolffe cocked his head to the side. “This is for us.”

“Oh.” 

“They can’t be overcooked,” Wolffe said, hesitantly. Setting aside his spatula, he assessed the stack of cakes. “I followed the recipe.”

“They’re not overcooked,” Kazi murmured. “They’re perfect.”

He frowned at her. “Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s just…” She smiled apologetically. “I didn’t ask you to make me breakfast.” 

Disbelief furrowed his brows and she winced, picking at another fallen petal. 

Why hadn’t she thought about making him breakfast? 

Why hadn’t she done anything nice for him? 

Even her sister was more thoughtful: Daria had bought him a 1500-piece Venator-class Star Destroyer puzzle last week. A quarter of it sat completed on the game table in the sunroom.

Self-hatred stung the back of her throat, and Kazi swallowed it.

This was a mistake. She was.

Wolffe was good and kind and considerate, and, for him, she would never be— 

“I make breakfast for Neyti and myself.” Rubbing at the tightness in her chest, Kazi gestured to the sea-cakes. “You didn’t have to do this.”

Wolffe blinked at her. Slowly. “You’re upset…that I made breakfast?” 

“I’m not upset—”

He scoffed and she grew rigid. Frustration lined his shoulders, and she balled her fists behind her back, hating herself for overreacting. For being so ungrateful. For not being competent.

“There was no need to make breakfast,” she repeated. “I can do it on my own.”

“I’m well aware,” Wolffe said. Exasperation hardened his scowl. “It’s breakfast, Ennari. Not a marriage proposal. Stop overthinking it.”

Kazi flinched. 

A year after her father’s death, she hiked to a cave near her family’s house. Inside, cold water bathed the walls and ceiling, trickling onto her shoulders, her head, steadily numbing her body. All the way to her bones. Seated in the cave’s mouth, she watched as the skies darkened and the waves worsened. She knew she needed to leave. To abandon the cave before she was entrapped, sure to drown. But she couldn’t. 

The numbing felt so good—to scour her of her instructors’ criticisms, her mother’s disapproving sniffs, Daria’s distance.

Most juveniles escaped the pressures and stresses and anxieties of youth through other outlets. Kazi found her escape in that cave. In its bone-wearying chill and the sinister tug of the waves.

Now, she wished she could run away from this conversation for that cave. Because she couldn’t bear the weight of Wolffe’s disappointment, the fucking pity narrowing his eyes.

He’d made her breakfast, and it was thoughtful and sweet, and she didn’t deserve it. 

She was selfish and uncaring. She was self-centered and greedy. She couldn’t give him what he deserved, and she was so fucking imperfect, it wasn’t fair to him.

“I didn’t ask for this,” Kazi said. 

Working his jaw, Wolffe stalked toward her, and softly, lethally, he demanded, “Why can’t I make you breakfast?”

“I’ve never made you breakfast.” Her fingernails dug into her palms, harshly enough she thought they might draw blood. She released a humorless laugh. “I’ve never done this for you.”

“I know.” Wolffe scanned her face. “You’re gonna have to explain the problem, Ennari. ‘Cause I’m not following.”

Forcing her fists to unclench, Kazi closed her eyes. Sucked in a breath. Opened her eyes and levelled Wolffe with an impassive look. “I’m overreacting. I’m sorry—”

“Explain it to me.”

“It doesn’t matter. I overreacted.”

Wolffe sighed. “I deserve to know—”

“Don’t make me breakfast, Wolffe. I don’t want you interfering in my life.” 

His tongue ran along his teeth, and Kazi didn’t sway beneath his annoyance. Good, she thought. Let him be annoyed with her—let him realize how difficult she was to be with. It was better for him to recognize her imperfections and to abandon her now. She wasn’t sure she would be strong enough to bear the inevitable—

“You’re pushing me away.” Shaking his head, Wolffe stared at her, aggravated. Incredulous. “You’re trying to push me away, Ennari.”

Kazi opened her mouth but the usual—snapped defenses, drawled irritations, insouciant responses—failed her. Instead, honesty demanded an audience, and she couldn’t bite it back fast enough.  

“I feel guilty because I’ve never made breakfast for you.” Wincing at the weakness in the admittance, she shrugged, steeling herself. Let him know how heartless she was; let him peer inside, just a peek, and see the rottenness. “I didn’t even think about doing it.”

“It’s just breakfast,” Wolffe growled. Bracing his hands against the bar, on opposite sides of her body, caging her in. “I wanted to make it. So I did.”

Familiar fears caressed her mind, and their touches were so lovely she wanted to cave to their invitation. An urge to run quickened her heartbeat.

However, there was a softer touch, that patient glow, its golden warmth keeping the rottenness at bay. A chance, it seemed to whisper. One chance, please.

“You don’t get to have a problem with this,” Wolffe said firmly.

Challenge, overt and arrogant, smoothed his tone. Indignant, she quirked an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

Mismatched eyes remained on hers; Wolffe pressed even closer, his chest firm against hers. “You heard me.”

“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“You don’t get to have a problem with this,” he snarled softly. Muscles flexed along his forearms. “I did this because I wanted to. Get over it.”

“I don’t need you to make me breakfast—”   

“Daria said these are best served warm.” He cocked his head to the side. “You wanna keep arguing? Or can we eat?”

For a pent breath, Kazi surveyed Wolffe, debated the merits in continuing. But the seriousness hardening his countenance, the contemplative flit of his eyes across her face, told her enough—he had multiple strategies prepared and he wouldn’t back down until he was satisfied with the outcome.

Sighing, Kazi shifted her attention to the stack of sea-cakes. Stellaburst sauce, bubbling and creamy, drizzled the cakes’ sides, pooling on the plates. As if a dragon had heated the sauce with its fire. 

“I hope you prepared them right,” she said, a finger grazing the curve of his thumb. A gentle brush. “They can poison you, if not cooked properly.”

Straightening, Wolffe eyed the cakes. “I followed the recipe—”

“Kidding.” A tired smile warmed her cheeks, and the corner of his mouth lifted in response. Grazing his hand once more, letting her eyes drift across his face before settling on his, Kazi murmured, “I’m sorry. I just…” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“You haven’t,” he murmured back, his thumb brushing her finger. 

With the truth laid bare, Kazi stepped to the stove, his arm falling away, and grabbed one of the plates. An unopened jar of nutow powder—Wolffe had thought through every detail—awaited use. She powdered the sea-cakes until they resembled Ceaia’s snow-dusted mountains in the summer. 

Seated at the kitchen bar, fork in hand, Kazi sectioned a piece. She took a small bite.

The tartness of the berry popped in her mouth. She chewed, the bitterness of the seaweed flour fading to the nutow’s sweet flavor. 

Memories returned.

Her father dancing in the kitchen, singing offkey while he prepared the sea-cake batter. 

She and Daria accidentally spilling half the batter on the floor, their parents laughing at their bashful grins. 

Mornings as a family sitting on their deck, overlooking the ocean beyond. 

Kazi swallowed her bite and twisted in her seat. Wolffe was chewing a large piece, his brows furrowed, his features contemplative. He bit down once more, glanced in her direction, and then pressed a napkin to his mouth. He spat out his piece.

Her mouth fell open. “Why would you do that?”

“That’s disgusting.” He took a long sip from his steaming caf, swishing it around in his mouth. “Fucking awful.”

Quietly laughing, Kazi popped another piece into her mouth. “It’s an acquired taste.”

“No kidding.” Guzzling his caf, Wolffe slid the rest of his sea-cakes in her direction. 

“There’s leftover quiche in the freezer,” she offered. 

A ghost of a smirk curved his mouth and he gripped her jaw, gently, carefully, angling her head back for him. He kissed her, his hand caressing her neck, his thumb tracing her jawline. And then he pulled away, retrieving the quiche.

As pale sunlight dappled the kitchen and they both finished their breakfast, Kazi rested her cheek against Wolffe’s shoulder, pressing a kiss to his bicep. To the nape of his neck. 

“Thank you,” she said, hoping he could hear the sincerity in her voice. “You…mean a lot to me.”

Wolffe rested his hand on her thigh and squeezed.

Late evening sunshine, streams of weak gold flitting through the gray clouds, enveloped the sunroom. A cool front had moved in. Tolerable enough Kazi had opened the windows to enjoy the breeze and its scent of rain and soil while she knitted a maroon sweater.

Outside, Daria and Cody sat on the wraparound porch, the former embroidering new curtains for Neyti’s room while the latter concentrated on a painting: cascading waterfalls, domed buildings, lanterns in the night sky. 

Beyond the porch, in the ferny clearing, Fox and Nova oversaw a sparring match. Two of the three clones Cody and Nova retrieved on their mission two days ago participated. One of them, according to Wolffe, had worked under Fox throughout the War—a man named Hound. The unruliness of his hair and the vivid bite mark on his jaw belied his kind personality. He’d offered Kazi tips on her attempts at wood carving, last night. 

Apparently, Hound was the reason Fox started carving. (Fox took up the hobby after one of Hound’s mastiffs passed. Hound had showed her the carving: The figurine fit inside her palm, its markings coarse and primitive. Still better than her attempts, though.)

Hound’s sparring partner, Matches, was a demolitions expert, and an expert at crude jokes. Many of which he shared last night at dinner. Wolffe’s silent glares to shut the fuck up went unnoticed, and it required Hound’s intervention before Matches quieted. 

The damage was done, though. Neyti spent the rest of dinner wide-eyed. 

Kazi searched the grounds for the third clone, Court. His lacking presence was unsurprising. Dinner passed without him speaking, he merely observed them, and he also disregarded the invite to watch a holofilm. Kazi respected his reticence. 

However, when she started for bed, she found him bent over the bookcase, surveying the dragons. He must have heard her approach because his eyes slid in her direction. They were empty. Similar to Wolffe’s when she first met him. Unlike Wolffe, though, his eyes were cold. Lifeless.

A chill slithered down her spine but Kazi shook it off, schooling her features, as the back door swung open. Neyti bounced into the room. Her grin was bright, energetic. 

“How are your seeds?” Kazi asked, brushing a strand of hair from Neyti’s forehead. Her grin widened and Neyti gave her a thumbs up.

“They’ve sprouted.” Shutting the back door, Wolffe nodded at Neyti. “Give it another month and they’ll be adolescents.”

Neyti clapped her hands, twirling in a circle, her blue dress floating. Wiping a smudge of dirt from her chin, Kazi shared an amused look with Wolffe.

“Why don’t you go wash your hands,” Kazi said. Neyti shucked off the pink gloves Nova had bought her, handing them to Wolffe. “I’ll get you a snack, once you clean up.”

While Neyti bounded for the staircase, Kazi stood, appraising Wolffe. He was pocketing Neyti’s gloves, his white shirt clinging to his skin. Damp with sweat. Sleeves rolled to his elbows.

“I’m helping Daria replace some stakes in her garden later tonight,” she said, approaching him. He slid his hands into his pockets, waiting. “Are you fine delaying our walk?”

A small smirk tugged on his mouth. “I should be asking you that question.” She frowned and his smirk widened. He played with a piece of her hair. “I’m replacing the stakes.”

Kazi shook her head. “Daria and I planned this—”  

“And she agreed to me replacing you.” Wolffe chuckled at her affronted scowl. “We have things to discuss.”

“What do you have to discuss with my sister?”

“That’s classified.” 

The smugness in his tone grated on her, and she scoffed. “That’s bullshit. My sister wouldn’t ditch me for you. Sorry.”

“It looks like you two have some catching up to do.” He glanced at his wrist-chrono. “I’ve got to shower.” A swift kiss to her cheek and then his lips were warming her ear, soft and tickling. His tone was low as he murmured, “Just so you’re aware: You can join me”—a hand skimmed her lower back; her head angled slightly, just enough for him—“whenever you want.”

Heat lingered in her cheeks, behind her ear, as she watched Wolffe stride away. Watched the bookcase lock him in the basement. Knew, if it were nighttime and they had the privacy of an empty house, she would have followed him. 

Instead, she moved into the living area and looked upwards, to Neyti’s open door.

What was that kid doing?

Shaking her head, Kazi made her way upstairs, planning to check on Neyti. But, on the top step, she paused. Her bedroom door was open. More like cracked open. Still, it was unusual. She always closed her door whenever she left.

Wariness pricked the back of her neck and she peeked into her bedroom. 

Her curtains were tied back; her windows were open; her quilt was smoothed and pillows fluffed. It appeared undisturbed. 

Her gaze shifted to her desk where her datapad rested. The device was dark, blank, exactly as she had left it that morning after analyzing the men’s gathered intel for the network. 

Except, on closer inspection, it wasn’t exactly as she had left it. She always lined the ‘pad’s side along the wall and the bottom to the desk’s edge. 

The ‘pad had moved. Someone unfamiliar with its placement wouldn’t have noticed it. But its slight upward position, not even a centimeter from being flushed with the bottom of her desk, told her it had moved.

Tugging on a braid, she retreated from her bedroom and closed her door. Outside Neyti’s room, she knocked on the doorjamb.

“Hey, you ready for your sna—” The words faltered, and Kazi straightened, blinking at the book in Neyti’s hands. The little girl waved at her. “Is that…my adventure book?”

Neyti nodded. She flipped a page of the book.

“Did you take that from my room?” Another nod and Kazi chuckled her incredulity, perching on the edge of Neyti’s bed. Looked like she had her culprit. “You know, it’s not nice to break into other people’s rooms.”

Confusion wrinkled Neyti’s face.

“It’s also not nice to take someone’s personal belongings.” She bopped Neyti on the nose, and the little girl tucked her head in her shoulder, her smile sheepish. “If you wanted to look at it, you could’ve asked.”

Blushing, Neyti returned her attention to the book. Kazi considered joining her, looking through the old pictures, telling Neyti stories.

But the thought of reliving her memories—seeing Ceaia, seeing her parents, seeing her and Daria as younglings when everything was right in the galaxy—was too…daunting. Or maybe she was a coward. 

Wiping her hands down her thighs, Kazi took in Neyti’s room. Paintings Wolffe and Cody had hung on her walls. A bioluminescent rock and a black bird carving guarding her nightstand. A forest green dragon, its spiked tail curled, resting on her pillow.  

A tap on her arm brought her back to the adventure book. Neyti gestured to a page. 

Pressing her hands between her thighs, Kazi forced herself to look. 

Dark, faded photos grinned at her. 

A shot of her on the railing, feet dangling over frothing waves.

A shot of the endless, irascible blackness of the ocean. 

A shot of the stars taken from the middle of the sea. 

Scripted words crammed the remaining surface. Her mother’s comments of each photo.

Neyti was tracing the stars, a clear photo preserving Ceaia’s night sky, seemingly searching for something.

“Are you…looking for constellations?” Kazi asked. Neyti perked up, and she smiled, scanning the image. “All right: Let’s start with Goch.” 

Shifting the book onto her thigh, she pointed to a star so bright it appeared white.

“On Ceaia, it’s dangerous to sail at night,” Kazi said. “Storms form randomly, and they’re brutal. It takes a special skillset, and courage, to brave the ocean without sunlight. But our people learned a trick long ago.”

Curiosity twinkled in Neyti’s eyes.

“Goch was the first dragon to befriend our people,” Kazi said. “She lived three hundred years, and when she died, her spirit joined her ancestors.” She tapped the star. “This is her nose and this trail of stars”—her finger curled along the photo—“is her spine, ending with the tip of her tail. Goch’s nose always points to true north, while her tail ends in the west. Whenever you’re lost at sea, all you have to do is find Goch’s constellation and reorient yourself.”

Kazi waited as Neyti followed her path. Her tiny finger fluttered from bright star to bright star, and once she traced Goch’s constellation three times, she nodded her satisfaction. 

“We have other constellations that help orient sailors,” Kazi explained, shuffling through the pages until she found a different photo. “The Old Dragon represents the path south toward the islands. That’s for religious pilgrimage. Panto flies in the east sky. The tips of her wings lead to the eastern continent’s capital—where you lived.” She flipped another page. “Other constellations memorialize popular myths. The Dancing Dragons are my favorite.”

Nose scrunching, Neyti frowned.

“You’ve never heard about the Dancing Dragons?” Kazi asked.

The little girl shook her head.

So Kazi told Neyti the love story of the two dragons. How the female grew so lonely she stopped flying. How the male invited her to dance but she refused. How, one night, the female took a risk and joined the male and they flew together for years until they both passed.

“They were reunited afterwards,” Kazi finished. “And they continue their dance each night.” Smiling, she nudged Neyti’s arm. “Some people think they guide our souls to the afterlife. That’s why we write our loved ones letters when they pass—to formally ask the dragons for safe passage.”

Reverently, Neyti traced the dragons’ outlines. Gray eyes, as stormy as the skies outside yet as clear as a cloudless day, met hers. 

“I want to fly to the stars.”

Soft, and quiet, the words were like a breeze, whispering through a daisy-freckled meadow. 

Kazi stared at Neyti. 

Outside, the amassing clouds seemed to pause, holding their breath. 

“I want to fly,” Neyti repeated. Innocent determination set her jaw. “Please.”

“You want to fly?” Kazi said hoarsely. A single nod answered and she scratched the back of her head, nonplussed. “I don’t have a ship.”

Hours later, Kazi found herself in the men’s ship. 

Power low to avoid Imperial detection, the ship drifted between Eluca and its largest moon—Selene. Beyond the front viewports, a vast expanse of black, impenetrable and vacuous, extended. Similar to moonless nights at sea, and yet this abyss of silence disquieted her.

Standing in the tight hallway separating the cockpit from the rest of the ship, Kazi watched Neyti. The little girl sat in the pilot’s seat, listening to Wolffe and Fox explain the basic functions of each button on the control panel. Tiny hands scoured the panels and gears. A grin dimpled her face.

Behind Kazi, Cody was showing Daria the shoddy sleeping area. Her sister’s indignation resulted in an amused Cody leaning against the wall, his half-smile fond.

“If you had told me your sheets were this thin,” Daria scolded, wrinkling her nose at the blanket on one of the beds, “I would have made all of you new ones.” 

“First Nova,” Cody murmured, exasperated, “and now you.”

“It’s no wonder you like my bed so much.”

Cody chuckled. “That among other things.”

Rolling her eyes, Kazi cleared her throat, loudly, and then gazed out the viewport. Eluca, a dark green mass surrounded by writhing electric clouds, glowed like a kyber crystal, the dark vacuum of space its cave of hidden wonders. 

Space once fascinated Kazi. The myths of dragons soaring between planets awed her younger self, studies of burning supernovas and starving black holes piqued her interest; the galaxy seemed a wilderness to be discovered, the next step for a little girl who considered herself an ocean explorer. 

The escape from Ceaia changed her opinion.

A tight-spaced cargo pit.

Unfamiliar people crammed against her.

Impenetrable darkness.

A haunting stench—human waste, rotting corpses.

No food. No water. No ‘freshers.

She was pressed against a wall, Neyti crying in her lap, Daria trembling at her side. For a long time, she thought they might suffocate to death. 

Gritting her teeth, Kazi reassessed her surroundings. Metal walls loomed above and around, and they seemed…closer. The walls opposite pressed inwards. Against her.

A drop of sweat chilled her spine.

Her hands started to tremble.

Maybe she should’ve stayed behind with Nova. 

Focusing on the electric storm—flickers of purple lightning winked at her—Kazi rested her forehead against the small viewport, ignoring the erratic beat of her heart. The viewport cooled some of the uncomfortable heat burning beneath her skin—

A hand landed on her shoulder. She recoiled.

Wolffe peered into her face: narrowed eyes, bunched brows. Straightening, Kazi folded her arms across her stomach, smiling.

“When all you know is living on a planet,” she said, gesturing to the small ‘port, “it’s easy to forget we live in a galaxy with billions of other beings. There’s a lot out there.”

A thoughtful noise hummed in the back of his throat as Wolffe studied her. “You don’t like it.”

“I do—”

“You don’t.” Resting a forearm against the wall, he leaned into it. A casual, effortless stance. “I don’t like it either.”

Her eyebrows raised. “Really?”

With a casual shrug, he looked out the ‘port. “Lots of my men thought space provided a new opportunity. For me: Space meant war and more deaths. We were always vulnerable up here.” His voice pitched low, and his gaze grew distant. “When I’d swim, I’d pretend I was elsewhere. That I was someone else… I convinced myself I was more than just a number. And that there was something else out there for me.”

An image of little Wolffe, swimming amid a raging sea while dreaming a life for his future self, made her heart cave. They could have been friends, little Wolffe and little Kazi. Both wanting things they never thought they could have.

Kazi reached a hand to his jaw, her thumb grazing his cheekbone. His eyelids lowered, thick, dark lashes framing his eyes. 

“You’re more than just a number,” she said softly. “I hope you know that.”

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I know.”

A knuckle skimmed her cheek, and she turned into his palm. 

“You can’t control the ocean,” Wolffe said after a moment.

“No.” Dropping her hand to her side, Kazi sighed. “But I can control certain things.”

“Is that why you reacted this morning?” Tentatively, he tugged on the end of a braid, pocketing the tie. He started to unweave the strands, and she didn’t bother to stop him. “Did you feel out of control?”

Discomfort hunched her shoulders, and she massaged the left plane of her chest. The character analysis he’d built on her the last few months proved his adeptness. Impressive, really, considering how well she’d hid herself from others for years.

“You surprised me,” Kazi said quietly. His fingers were deft, careful as he worked on loosening her braid, and while he was distracted, she ran a finger along his forearm, his tattoos tiny paths for her to follow. “I’m so used to doing everything on my own. And then you making me breakfast—it made me feel…incompetent.”

A thoughtful noise rumbled in the back of his throat. Moving to her opposite braid, Wolffe pocketed its tie, and slowly undid its plait. Once he finished, he pushed her hair over her shoulder, the waves cascading down her spine.

“I want to feel needed.” The statement was quiet, gruff and low, and so fucking random it caught Kazi off guard.

She frowned. “What?”

“I want to feel needed.” Wolffe tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, his gaze settling on hers, determined. Unflappable. “I want to make you breakfast. I want to do things for you. Without you biting my head off. Or trying to push me away.”

“I didn’t bite your head off,” she muttered. The disbelief in his scoff was overt, and she pursed her lips. “You interrupted my routine and I wasn’t prepared.”

“That’s not it, Ennari,” Wolffe murmured. Challenge, similar to this morning, hardened his tone as he regarded her, only a few centimeters separating their faces. “You’re afraid of something. I don’t know of what. But one of these days I’m going to figure it out.”

The promise in his words was brutal, an unapologetic warning. Based on his dogged concentration—based on his meticulous need to understand the inner workings of each problem he encountered—Kazi didn’t doubt his dedication to his task. Or his single-minded determination. However—

“I’m not a problem to be fixed,” she snapped. Wolffe blinked his surprise, and she lifted her chin, glaring. “I’m a person, not a—a droid that’s malfunctioning.” It was important he understood this. That he knew what he was getting into.

“I know,” Wolffe said hastily. And even though he retained his casual stance, still leaned into his arm, tension stiffened his posture, ticked in his jaw. “But, Kazi,” he murmured her name lowly, exasperatedly, “you are afraid of something. And I wanna know what it is. Doesn’t mean I think there’s something wrong with you.”

For a prolonged moment, Kazi let her eyes wander across his face, confirmed the sincerity in the slight bow of his head, and then she swallowed, relaxing. The tension within Wolffe faded, too. 

“All right. Let’s summarize.” Pushing off the wall, he tapped the underside of her chin. “I’m not going to stop doing things for you. And you’re gonna be good with it.”

Hesitantly, she nodded her acquiescence. 

A giggle drew their attention to the cockpit. Neyti pointed to a button and glanced at Fox, expectant. Fox nodded his approval and the little girl adjusted in her seat, studying the dashboard as Fox listed another knob. 

“You might have to take her flying,” Kazi said.

Wolffe smiled smally. “We can do that.”

Her own smile blossomed in response, and she gestured toward the cockpit. “Go sit with them so I can take a photo.” Wolffe coughed, and she blinked innocently. “It’s for Neyti.”

“For Neyti?”

“Yes.”

Smirking, he knocked his elbow against hers. “You want a photo of me, Ennari, all you have to do is ask. But I get one in return.”

She considered him. “It depends on the type of photo.”

A rough chuckle fell from his mouth, the raspy sound grazing her spine. “I have a few ideas.” At her quiet laugh, he lowered his mouth to her ear, murmuring, “Seems like you’re keeping me around.”

The tease in his tone, the lightness in his eyes, made her smile. “I think I will.” 

Masterlist | A Muse (previous chapter) | A Muse (next chapter)

A/N: This is your friendly reminder to pay attention to the date and month of each chapter. There will be major time jumps between certain chapter groupings.

Star Wars Months:

Elona Kelona Selona Telona  Nelona Helona Melona Yelona  Relona Welona

[nikibogwater]

Aight, loves, I’m only running on four hours of sleep here, but it’s time to Blether (bitterly)

Niki Blethers: Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans (SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT!)

Okay, um, how ‘bout we start with the good stuff first and then move into the Real Discussion.

Animation? Gorgeous. Even watching the movie on a janky iPad screen, I was blown away by the visuals.

Voice Acting: *chef’s kiss* I think this is easily Emile Hirsch’s best performance as Jim. And oh land, Colin O’Donoghue once again nails Douxie’s desperation, exhaustion, and sorrow. Give everybody an Oscar here, they deserve it.

Some of the emotional beats hit so hard. I can’t say all of them, unfortunately, but I was definitely in tears in a couple of places.

Dang, this movie did not screw around. It was extremely hard to watch the Arcane Order torturing Douxie and Nari, Nomura’s death, Jim breaking pretty much all of his ribs…I know whump fans are gonna have a good time with this.

Douxie body swapping with Nari was both viscerally uncomfortable and also made my heart bleed because oh my gosh Douxie you selfless king, c’mere and let me hold you, you brilliant boy. Also @sergeantsporks, how in the blue blazes did you predict that was coming.

Really great to see Barbara in the thick of things. I guess she and Strickler adopted out all the Darklands babies. I’m also so glad that Jim’s father wasn’t some important, mysterious person who left for a noble cause. The guy is just a deadbeat, and that’s all there is to it. It really helps build up the theme of Jim’s arc—that anyone, even the most unlikely people, can move past such challenges and be a hero.

The moments between Jim and his mom were wonderful. Very heartwarming.

DOUXIE BREAKING THROUGH BELLROC’S CONTROL OVER NARI WAS JUST 👌👌👌 LITERALLY EVERYTHING I WANTED FROM THAT SCENE.

MAGICAL SIBLINGS HUG AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! LOOK HOW RELIEVED HE IS, LOOK AT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER, YA GIRL NIKI TOTALLY CALLED THEIR DYNAMIC!

Badass Nari with the Earth Titan lives in my brain rent-free now.

As much as I hated Nari’s death, I have to admit that Douxie’s response to it was appropriately heart-wrenching. The way he kept desperately calling her name, only to gasp it out once more when he realized she was gone—that was some good angst right there.

I still hate it, tho. 🙂

CHILDREN OF THE SUN, YEEEEEEAH!!! GET ‘EM, JIM!

Jim and Toby being both the beginning and the end for the series is so heartwarming. Honestly lost it over Toby’s death sequence and the way Jim was clinging to him and sobbing.

Okay, time to address the many elephants in the room:

M!Preg Steve should not have happened. Period. That wasn’t funny, that was disgusting, and honestly kind of insulting to the very real challenge of bearing children and giving birth. I’m sorry Dreamworks, but that is a hard no for me.

There were a handful of scenes where characters didn’t feel fully present, emotionally. Like, when the team realizes that Douxie is in the Order’s clutches….no one seems very worried? Like, guys, I know there’s a lot going on right now, but they literally killed him the last time he meddled in their affairs, why is nobody expressing any concern here? And when Douxie realizes he’s never going to see Archie again, he just kind of….shrugs it off? Bro, Archie is your Familiar, he practically raised you, and has been your one constant for nearly 1000 years, don’t you at least want to shed a tear or something? This isn’t anything major, but it was enough to break immersion for me in a few places. Just….why aren’t you guys emoting like you usually do?

I especially noticed this with Nari. She always seemed…really disconnected from everyone, which felt odd, because in Wizards, she very clearly cared about the others, and expressed genuine sorrow over Jim’s suffering and Merlin’s death. But here she seemed kind of….ditzy and out-of-it. Girl, why don’t you just tell Jim what to do. Use your words, I know you have them.

The ending. Oh. My. Gosh, that ending.

Let me make one thing clear here: I’m not averse to bittersweet endings. One of my favorite movies of all time is How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World. What I hate is the fact that this movie basically retconned the entire series.

These characters who we have loved and followed over the last few years, related to their struggles, took comfort from their triumphs—all of that is gone now, in terms of canon. Everything and everyone was reset, with the exception of Jim. That doesn’t feel bittersweet. That feels pointlessly cruel. And to make it even worse, it wasn’t reset in a way that would allow for everyone to live in much-deserved peace. The Order is still there, the trials and suffering of the series still have to be repeated—but hey, it’s fine, because at least Jim gets to live happily ever after!!!

I cannot fathom how in the blue blazes anyone thought this was an appropriate finale to this series. What was the point of all those adventures, all those relationships, all those struggles and triumphs, if you were just going to erase them at the end? It feels cynical, not bittersweet or conclusive.

This was….a very difficult morning for me. Most of you know that my passion and love for this series has been a huge driving force in my creative growth as an author and an artist. To have it turn so sour, so suddenly, right at the end of it all…I’m probably going to need some time to get over this.

That being said, I know the team behind the movie was under a lot of pressure. Tales of Arcadia is known for being innovative and breaking storytelling molds. I can understand their desire to take the ending in such a drastically different direction. But I don’t think it was the ending this series deserves.

However, I’m aware that this is all pretty subjective. If you loved the ending, please don’t let my take on it ruin that happiness. Just be aware that I will probably be ignoring this movie’s existence as I continue to create fan content. I love these characters too much to abandon the fandom altogether, don’t worry.

[toujoursmiraculous]

Thoughts and Reaction to Mr. Pigeon 72!

I knew this was going to be a really good episode, just because the synopsis we got and the trailer seemed pretty bland. Whenever ML does that, a lot of big things happen in that episode. I screamed and choked on my water in the opening scene where Ladybug's with Alya in Marinette's room. I've been looking forward to Alya and Marinette scenes sooo much since Gang of Secrets! Wayzz & Alya: Hey Marinette, you should take a break and rest. Marinette: Nah, I'm good I gotta keep working Alya: YOU'RE LOSING IT, GIRL! Marinette: Don't care, must work Alya: Okay... you know Adrien and Kagami broke up, right? Marinette: Wait what?! Oh no, Kagami needs me! Alya: Not the reaction I was expecting but okay "Let's not wait for the storm to pass, but let's dance in the rain." I really like this quote! Even during bad times, you need to find the good and enjoy it. And Marinette reaaaally needs to do that. But in a literal sense, please don't dance outside during a dangerous storm.

ALYA AND TRIXX ALDJFSLJDS oh I love them, I'm so happy we'll get to see more of them. The way they both reacted to Marinette saying she has to go console Kagami, they weren't expecting that. xD But I was! I find it very amusing how in episodes like Frightningale she was more upset with Chloe being Ladybug than Chloe being in a video with Adrien that Alya's shocked by her decision, and in Frozer where Marinette was putting Adrien's wants before hers. I really don't understand why people think just because she likes Adrien, she'd not want to help make those around her happy even if it wasn't what she wanted for herself. I'm not surprised at all that Marinette would do this for Kagami, but I'm very happy that she is. "Alya, in Paris, Kagami has no other friend except me. Only I can console her." This makes me so happy. The only times in this show I like Kagami, is when she's with Marinette. After watching this episode, I'm more and more thankful she finally told Alya about being Ladybug I don't even want to know the state she'd be in had she not. O.O She almost ran out of her room as Ladybug (whoops), then almost ran out in her pjs (again, oops). Thanks to Alya, she didn't do either. xD That little detail where Marinette runs out and the sun's really intense, letting us know she's been inside a really long time, so everything outside is really bright. I really appreciate the little things like that. Or at least, that's what I take it as. Unless they're hinting at summer coming up soon... Dang Marinette, just jumps on Kagami's back LOL Kind of reminds me how Chat Noir likes to come up on Ladybug. xD "Your so original friend." Marinette is pretty original! I know the tone implies that's not a good thing, but eh. She's letting her go with Marinette and spend time away, so who cares! Marinette trying really hard to convince Kagami to get back with Adrien and how she's going to help her. I think it's really sweet of her, but Kagami of course clearly doesn't want to. Plagg: What's wrong with you, jumping into ice water! YOU'RE LOSING IT! Adrien: *exposes duffle bag full of Camembert* Plagg: I take back everything I said about you Also huh, Alya just told Marinette she's losing it, now Plagg tells Adrien he's losing it...hmmm. Bob Roth is a horrible person and each time we see him, he does something else to show it. Poor Adrien's allergic to pigeons specifically. I guess he's okay with some birds but not others? Idk? But he told Gabriel it'd be doves, so he approved. But it turned out to be pigeons instead. To be fair, at least in the US, Mourning Doves are often mistaken as pigeons, at least where I live, so they'd make a decent substitute... if it wasn't for Adrien's allergy. Adrien in Gorizilla to Wayhem: If you stop following me around screaming, I think we could be good friends! Wayhem with Cardboard Cut-out Adrien in Mr. Pigeon 72: ADRIENNNNNNN! :/ Marinette has a bag full of everything she may need in all kinds of situations. Comes in handy but good grief girl! How do you lug that all around??? What kind of scenarios do you think up to think of

some of that stuff!? Marinette's so adorable in her bathing suit awwww! Dude. Bob Roth. He said he's allergic to pigeons! And you blame Mr. Ramier because Adrien sneezed and it scared the pigeon away? How is this man successful again? He doesn't listen to anything or anybody. Marinette's like hey Kagami, look at Adrien. You'll start liking him again. Do you feel your heart beating fast now? And she's like "I feel especially bad for the trainer (Mr. Ramier)". I mean same though. He's being treated horribly! x.x Next take, Adrien dives and he sees Marinette with Kagami. But I think he only saw Marinette. Because he says he thought he saw a friend from school (Kagami doesn't attend their school, just the fencing class, as far as we're aware) and also he makes no mention of Kagami at all in this episode. Which means...

Why's your jaw dropping at the sight of your "just a friend" in a bathing suit, Adrien? And, you know, Kagami's literally right there in a bathing suit, too. Just saying. But it's like she's not even there to him. Hmmmmm. Poor Kagami's like, this entire thing is embarrassing, I feel embarrassed for me, Adrien, and this situation. Kagami: Marinette, stop! It's getting crazy! Marinette: Love is crazy! Don't think about it! I love how the more Marinette tries to help Kagami, the more things are working out in Marinette's favor. Interesting, isn't it? The more she tries to tell Adrien her feelings and make opportunities for them, the more they fail. The more she tries to help Kagami, or someone else, the more opportunities for her land in her lap. Hahahahaha the way they both fall LOL "Marinette? 😮" *guilty smile* AND THEN THEY TAKE DOWN POOR EDGAR! :( Mr. Ramier's in the background giving the poor bird CPR as he's drowned and Marinette and Adrien are just casually talking not paying attention lolol "What are you doing here?" "I came to surprise you." Kind of, she was hoping to help Kagami get back with Adrien. So that's a kind of surprise! "Uh, well to relax!" True too, actually. Alya did send her off because she needed to get out of the house and relax from her Ladybug and Guardian duties. Marinette, everyone needs to be careful when at a pool. Clumsy people like you especially need to be careful! lol Good thing Adrien's already seen her fall so many times, it's nothing new lol Gabriel: It's a failure Bob Roth: It's not my fault, it's his! Mr. Ramier: You are under arrest! Edgar is my best friend. He's the most intelligent of the pigeons! Gabriel: It's a pigeon Bob Roth: WHAAAT? IT'S A PIGEON? RAMIER, YOU LIED TO ME. Sorry Gabriel, I'll replace this man! I know a shark trainer First off... LOL that whole scene XDD I actually knew Bob Roth was going to say that entire thing before I heard it lolol Second... awww Edgar's okay! c: and third... I'M SORRY, YOU WANT OUR PRECIOUS BOY TO BE AROUND SHARKS?!?!? Who keeps this man employed?!?! Idk why but this whole time I thought that everyone would turn into giant talking pigeons lol ah well "I realized my mistake! We'll recreate the moment where you fell in love!" ohhh? Like I mentioned earlier, whenever she tries to do something to help Kagami (or someone else) that's when her intentions work out best for her. 😉 One of my favorite things from Style Queen was Plagg and Ladybug working together. Now they're working together again and just... ahhhh I gushed so much at that scene! x3 YESSSSSSS what I've been waiting for! Ladybug can just call Alya now and be like hey, I need your help! And Alya can just be like okay cool, and either goes to her room to get the Miraculous herself, or finds her and gets the Miraculous. So cool! Of course, I'll be most excited if she ever gets to just keep it on her, but... baby steps. Rena did a phenomenal job speaking as both Ladybug and Chat Noir lol. She's such a fan of them both, she knows just how they are around each other. Oh, oh no. We're trapped against a wall by a few pigeons. Looks like our only option is to give up and remove our Miraculous and reveal our identities. Are you seriously buying that, Gabriel? Plagg's like HELLO I'll be taking this! Alya did everything from inside Marinette's room. Ladybug was trapped in that room at the pool the entire time. All it took for this akuma to be defeated was Illusion that can be done from anywhere and Plagg getting the object off Mr. Pigeon. That's amazing! Also, this is the first time Ladybug didn't have to actually see things around her to know what to do. She just focused and thought about it. o.o Okay so hold up. Thanks to Alya, Marinette now knows she can create charms to protect past akuma victims and keep them from getting reakumatized, which is wonderful. I love how much of an impact Alya knowing is having! BUT How exactly does Monsier Rat come about then if he has a charm to protect him??? 🤔🤔🤔 I really like how her drive to want to figure things out was

especially because Mr. Ramier's been akumatized so many times, and she wanted to help him from having to continue to go through that. "This girl is truly Miraculous" awww cute how he got to just watch that this time.

I screamed at this moment because I knew. Since Origins, we have not seen this exact sky. Even during rainy scenes like in Chat Blanc or New York, they didn't look like this. YES, Kagami knows that the way Marinette feels about Adrien shows how much she loves him, but she knows she doesn't feel that way about Adrien too. And "You're right, Adrien is perfect... perfect for you." With a smile and everything! Awwwwww! This acceptance, and the Marinette and Kagami friendship in this episode is really, really good! 😭 "Wow, have you kept it [the umbrella] all this time?" She sure wasn't expecting that!! But wow Adrien, you noticed? Then Coup de Foudre happens again. Yeah, this girl is never getting out of her feelings for him.

Of course she's having trouble with her words still, but that's okay. But she's like oh, I'll give it back, and he just pushes it to her and says she'll need it to get home... unless she'd like a ride with him. AND SHE ACTUALLY ACCEPTED AND WRAPPED HER ARM AROUND HIS OMG.

To then only have the umbrella close on BOTH of them!

AND THEN ASKS IF HE WANTS TO WALK INSTEAD BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE UMBRELLA! She's come so far! And the sheer disappointment when he remembers he can't because of his Chinese lesson :/ And then, because he can't not be looking at Marinette, he hits the back of his head on the car, making himself look silly, just like in Origins she made herself look silly. This time she laughs, and he laughs with her. And it's literally Umbrella Scene 2.0 and it's absolutely everything.

DORKS ❤️❤️❤️ "They are made for each other." awwwww instead of Master Fu, this time it's Kagami. And she sounds very okay with that, that's so nice. "Let's not wait for the storm to pass, but let's dance in the rain." Then proceeds to dance in the rain!

Ahhh what a refreshing, good episode after how much she's been struggling and crying! So lovely! Her friendships with Alya and Kagami were really strong in this episode, her doing her best to help her friend with the guy she herself has always liked, and then Kagami was the one that wasn't really into it, and it made both girls realize that Marinette loves Adrien and is the one best for him, not Kagami. And I'm pretty sure this episode helped Adrien to open his eyes to Marinette more too. At least, this is the beginning of that, anyway! Alya's such a tremendous help to Ladybug now, which is everything. I do wonder if more friends will very slowly start to find out her identity and they end up contributing more to bringing down Hawk Moth, so she really, really isn't alone like she once thought. I don't really have any complaints about this episode at all! Just a bit sad we had no actual Chat Noir, but we got Ladybug and Plagg from it, so it's fine with me! x3 I know some may see it as "Chat Noir isn't necessary, how dare they do this to him!" but no, he's very necessary, sometimes he just can't be there and she can't do it alone. You have to remember how much Chat Noir means to Ladybug, and that she wouldn't even BE Ladybug if it weren't for Chat Noir! I'm really curious now about what episode 5 is, since now we've gotten Episodes 1-4, 6, we're getting 7,8, and 13 later, and we've already gotten 11. Filling in the gaps for the first half of the season! This entire week is going to be crazy with the new episodes, and for each one I'll be writing one of these posts for, so be on the look out for them!

[ordinaryschmuck]

What I Thought About "What If...Captain Carter was the First Avenger" from Marvel Studios' What If...

Salutations, random people on the internet who certainly won’t read this! I am an Ordinary Schmuck. I write stories and reviews and draw comics and cartoons.

Back when Marvel Studios announced the new lineup of films and shows, I was admittingly underwhelmed. Nothing we've seen so far has been poorly written, far from it, but during the announcement, nothing really popped out at me as worth getting excited for. That is, except for one series: Marvel Studios' What If... An animated series that changes the canon of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, all through the simple question. The question being, "What if this happened instead of that."

From the get-go, I was sold on this idea. I'm a sucker for hypothetical scenarios, thinking up all the ways of how some of my favorite stories in fiction could be drastically different thanks to one tiny change. Some might call that "Fanfiction the Series," and while you're not wrong, I fail to see how that's a criticism. Because fanfiction can be fun...just as long as you ignore the sick freaks, sure, but it still can be fun! So whether Marvel Studio's What If... is fanfiction or not, it still didn't change how excited I was to watch it. Was it all worth the hype? Well, to answer that question requires spoilers, so keep that in mind as we dive deep into Marvel's most ambitious project yet.

Now, let's review, shall we?

WHAT I LIKED

The Watcher: Gonna get the generals out of the way before I talk about what I specifically like about this episode. Ok? Ok.

Now, using the Watcher as the narrator for this series is just perfect. What If... already has a similar energy to The Twilight Zone: An anthology series that takes viewers to new and mysterious realities all through the guidance of an omniscient narrator. And using the Watcher as that type of narrator might just be the second-best choice...number one would be Stan Lee, obviously, but...he's dead now. May he rest in peace.

I haven't read that many comics, so there's not much that I know about the Watcher's character aside from a ten-second Google search. But something tells me that a character described as a celestial being that observes and records the events surrounding the galaxy sounds like the exact type of omniscience to guide us through the unknown. All added with Jeffrey Wright's performance, who really does convey a character that sounds like he's as old as time and wise beyond his years. Plus, it's pretty cool that such a seemingly odd character now technically plays a major role in the MCU canon. Comics are weird, and if the Watcher proves anything, it's better to embrace that weirdness than deny it.

The Animation: Looks like someone watched Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse.

That really is the feeling I got when watching this. What If... doesn't look as good as Spiderverse (Nothing can be as good as Spiderverse), but the idea is still there as it combines primarily CGI animation with a few hand-drawn elements. It makes certain scenes just pop and, at times, even makes specific shots look like they're straight from panels in a comic book. Besides, while Spiderverse still looks better, that doesn't mean the animation isn't phenomenal in What If... The scenery looks gorgeous, the CGI models moderately match their live-action counterparts, the expressions are fantastic, and movements are as smooth as butter. There was definitely some money that went into this series to make it look as good as it did, and my eyeballs were more than grateful because of it. Especially when it comes to--

The Action: Holy s**t, was it a good thing that this series was animated!

The MCU has had its fair share of great fight scenes in the past, but it always felt restricted to what the big superhero fights could be due to everything needing to look "realistic." That all changes in What If... Because now that this series is animated, we can finally chuck realism out the window and allow these characters to be as epic as they were in the comics. The movements are swift, the blows look like they hurt, and best of all, you actually get to see characters fighting each other! There are no random cuts to hide the stunt doubles or weird camera angles to avoid audiences seeing how ugly the CGIed replacements are. We get to see all of the action with zero restraint, thanks to the fact that animation is limitless and allows writers to get away with literally anything. And shows like this make me wonder, "Why the hell isn't the MCU animated?"

Peggy as Captain Carter: It's here that we get into the specifics, and by golly, do I love me some Peggy Carter making a return. And what a return she made!

Seeing Peggy kick Nazi ass as Captain Carter is as awesome as it sounds as she gives a new definition of a "Strong, independent woman." She took s**t from no one and was more than willing to destroy anybody who said differently. It's a ton of fun for fans (the ones who aren't sexist, at least) and even fun for Peggy as well now that she gets a chance to wreck shop. However, that in itself could cause problems. If you watched Agent Carter (a great show, by the way), then you'll know that Peggy doesn't act as...somewhat meatheaded as she does here. As she said it herself, she's "usually more covert than this." And she is, as she was pretty much the first superspy in the MCU, who's impressive through how she effortlessly infiltrates her way to winning the day with diminutive requirements for fighting. So stripping that away gets rid of a core part of what makes her character so interesting. Although, in fairness, you could blame the fact that the reason she's acting like this is that the super-soldier serum is messing with her brain a bit. We've seen through U.S. Agent the reciprocations of the wrong person taking the serum, and while Peggy is far from the worst pick, there are hints of why Steve Rodgers was the best choice. Still, even though it's not the same Peggy Carter, that doesn't mean Captain Carter is a poor addition to the hero roster in the MCU. She's cool in all the right ways, even though they're drastically different from what made her compelling, to begin with.

Howard Stark: Another character I'm more than happy to see again!

Howard didn't leave that much of a grand of an impression in Captain America: The First Avenger, but in Agent Carter (Seriously, great show), he was a blast. You can just tell he was Tony Stark's father through all the ways he fast-talks in and out of problems and brilliantly comes up with solutions thanks to being tech-savvy. The main difference between Howard and Tony, however, is that Howard prefers to stay on the sidelines, where Tony learned to be more proactive. You get a sense of that in this episode. Because even though he goes to save the day, you can tell that he would rather be anywhere else. And, as a bonus, Howard's just funny. Probably not up there as one of the funniest characters in the franchise (Paul Rudd's Ant-Man reigns supreme), but he still cracks me up more times than not. Howard may be nothing more than a side character, but he'll always win me over no matter how small of a role he has.

Steve Rodgers in the Hydra Stomper: Don't mind me. Just admiring the fact that despite being crippled and skinny, Steve Rodgers still finds a way to fight the good fight, which is who Steve is to me. One of the best things about The First Avenger is that it fully understands the hero that is Captain America. Serum or not, he will do all he can to do the right thing and won't give up despite how many times others tell him he should. So if Steve's going to fly around in a suped-up Iron Man suit that's appropriately named "The Hydra Stomper," then Steve'll f**king soar. Because he is a gosh dang superhero, no matter what name he takes at the end of the day.

Fast-Forwarding Through Events: Some fans might take issues with this. Don't get me wrong, I would love to see all the little changes that Captain Carter makes to the story, but realistically that's not the best choice to make. Let's be honest, there's not that much to show other than what this episode did, and doing a full-on rewrite of Captain America: The First Avenger would have rubbed some fans the wrong way. Besides, from what I can tell, most of the What If... comics are one-shots that very rarely branch out into longer arcs. The primary goal is less to write this large-scale story and more of this self-contained narrative that does what it precisely delivers: Show fans a glimpse of what would happen if this happened instead of that. That's what we were given, and I can't really complain that much. I would have loved to have seen more, but I can learn to be happy with what I got.

Colonel Flynn Taking Credit: This guy is sexist and an idiot, and that's why I hate him...but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't at least chuckle when he said everything was his idea. It's such a scumbag move that I couldn't help but find the humor in it.

(Like, what even was that scene where Peggy was pissed at Steve kissing a girl. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DATING !)nd Steve falling in love inThe First Avenger, which certainly wasn't helped by how they had these dumbass misunderstandings of each thinking the other was dating someone else. Here, they at least get to interact, confiding in one another about their insecurities and offer support when needed. And while it may be a little rushed, I'm more willing to believe their romance in under thirty minutes than I did in over two hours. It could have been better, but it also could have been much, much worse.

(Like, what even was that scene where Peggy was pissed at Steve kissing a girl. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DATING AT THE TIME!)

“I won’t tell you anything.”/”He told me everything.”: That's the Peggy Carter I know and love! Added with a solid joke, too.

Steve’s Pratfall: It's nice to know that no matter what universe we see, Marvel is still funny.

Peggy’s Sacrifice: Much like Peggy and Steve's romance, I buy Peggy's sacrifice way more than Steve's. Several fans already pointed out how it makes no sense for Steve to crash the plane into the icy waters when it seemed like he had enough control to land it or could have easily jumped out after aiming for the crash landing. Here, there's a more legitimate reason why Peggy sacrifices herself. The monster was undefeatable, and the only way to stop it was to push it back through the portal. Peggy, being the only one strong enough to do so at the moment, was the only option, and there was no way where she didn't end up going through with the monster. Even her return makes more sense, as I think her being lost to time and space sounds more believable than Steve surviving being frozen in ice. Something no mortal man should live through. Peggy's sacrifice proves that while the MCU can't change its cannon past, the writers learn from their mistakes and make something better.

WHAT I DISLIKED

The Reasoning Behind Peggy Becoming Captain Carter: So, the idea that one small change can greatly alter the story we knew is a great one, and it's one of the main reasons why I was excited about this series...but how does Peggy staying in the room cause the Hydra agent to detonate the bomb early? I understand the ripples that come from the Butterfly Effect, but I feel like that's too big of a leap to reason how Peggy ends up taking the serum instead.

Colonel Flynn: How is it possible that this guy is somehow even more of a pain in the ass than the general he replaced? At least Chester Phillips had the decency to respect Agent Carter!

Red Skull is Still on the Dull Side: Red Skull isn't an awful villain, but he wasn't really a great one. It's the same here, as he's just as forgettable and wooden an episode of television as he was in a full-length movie. But at least he had a cooler death this time.

Sebastian Stan is Not a Great Voice Actor: He's not awful, but his talent really doesn't shine in this regard. Some people think that being an actor and a voice actor is the same thing, but it's not always the case. Through live-action, actors are given a chance to express emotion through their expressions, movement, and voice. With voice acting, actors still have to convey emotions, but strictly through their voice. Meaning that actors like Sebastian Stan are limited to what they're used to and can stumble a bit when trying to perform in a field of acting they're unfamiliar with. You can tell he was trying his best, but this type of thing can take far more practice for others to perfect.

“Whew. Thanks. You almost ripped my arm off.”: ...hhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHA! HA HA! Ah...oh man...I, uh...I felt the internal bleeding with that one. Wow. Just...wow.

Bucky Leaving After Steve “Died”: Ok, now that's the biggest bout of bulls**t I've ever heard. BUCKY WOULD BE WITH STEVE 'TILL THE END OF THE LINE AND WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT THAT QUICKLY!

...This episode did Bucky dirty, didn't it?

IN CONCLUSION

I'd say that "What If...Captain Carter was the First Avenger" is an A-. It's still a solid start of what I can already tell will be a great series, but some elements could have used some polishing out. I loved it, but it wasn't as bloody brilliant as it could have been.

(And I meant it: WATCH AGENT CARTER! It's pleasantly surprising!)

[heroicadventurists]

Robin 80 ***spoilers***

Robin 80 was a wonderful celebration of the first sidekick... the Boy Wonder... Robin. This issue consisted of 10 stories focusing on the different iterations of Robin. While Carrie Kelley received a pinup in the issue, she did not receive her own story. Robin 80 focused on the five canon Robins. While some are upset that Duke was not included in this lineup, he was never an official Robin to Batman. If we count Duke, we have to count all of the "We Are Robin" crew. When given the choice by Batman, Duke chose to pave his own path as his own hero, which is commendable. Dick received 4 out of the 10 stories in this issue, which was fitting considering it is also his 80 year anniversay. My favorite thing about this issue was the acknowledgement that Bruce adopted the male Robins. Below I rank the stories in Robin 80 from my least favorite to my favorite.

10. Dick Grayson, Nightwing in Aftershocks

Writer: Chuck Dixon

Starting off my list is Aftershocks.  This story follows Dick after he has quit being Robin, and has assumed his new identity, Nightwing.  This story highlights perfectly how Dick operates as a solo hero.  He is brave, quick on his feet, witty, and of course, he saves the day.  This was a good one-shot but it didn’t have the impact that some of the other stories in this issue had.  However, it did serve it’s purpose of showing Dick coming into his own.

9. Nightwing and The Titans in Team Building

Writer: Devin Grayson

Like Aftershocks, this story serves to show how Dick operates as a team leader. He was smart, strategic, capable and decisive.  He was everything you want in a team lead.  As before, this was a good one-shot, but it also lacked the emotional impact that other stories on this list had. 

8. Dick Grayson, Agent 37 in The Lesson Plan

Writers: Tim Seely and Tom King

Like Aftershocks and Team Building, this story follows Dick as Agent 37.  In this story he is a mentor to a young recruit named Paris.  He gives her lessons throughout the story that contradict every lesson Batman ever taught him.  When he gets to the final lesson, he tells her the one thing that he agreed with Batman on “Ignore Your Mentor.  Do What You Do Best”.  One thing I really appreciate about the stories focusing on Dick is that each story is a progression in his vigilante career.  He has an actual arc in Robin 80.

7. The Supersons in My Best Friend

Writer: Peter J Tomasi

This was an adorable story about how Jon views his friendship with Damian.  Damian is a lot more vulnerable when he is with Jon, and honestly, he acts like the kid that he is.  This was a lighthearted and sweet story that shows a different side to our current Robin.

6. Tim Drake, Robin III in Extra Credit

Writer: Adam Beechen

This was a wonderful piece that highlighted how awesome Tim is.  For so many, Tim is their Robin, and it was nice to see him getting recognition in this comic. 

5. Stephanie Brown, Robin IV in Fitting In

Writer: Amy Wolfram

Out of all of the stories in this issue, Stephanie’s story made me think the most.  There was a very deep meaning behind this story once you get past the surface level.  So let’s breakdown this story.  The story begins with Stephanie showing up late to a training session.  She suits up in one of Tim’s old costumes.  Of course there are issues with this and Stephanie is busting out of the seams (not because she’s overweight but because she has breast, butt and thighs to contend with).  She complains about her hand-me-down costume while Bruce focuses on training.  Even with her top busted, Bruce is still training.  He even has the nerve to tell Stephanie she is distracted. Alfred shows up with Dick’s old costume as a replacement, and Steph asks for something “without a cup”.  Bruce FINALLY makes Stephanie a suit fit for a young lady, but when she puts on her new costume, Bruce tells her “no more excuses”.   Let that sink in.  He saw her complaints about wearing a male costume as an excuse not to train.  Let’s carry on.  They go to Western Town to take on Firefly.  The villain du jour does not take Stephanie seriously and calls her “Cosplay Girl”.  Stephanie is rash during the fight and does not follow Batman’s orders, resulting in her capture by Firefly.  She is able to avert disaster (barely) and saves the day, but Batman still chides her. 

Batman: “Tim would have waited outside”

Robin (Stephanie): “I’m not Tim!”

Batman: “I know”

Stephanie tells Bruce that she wants to be her own Robin and to stop trying to make her into something she’s not.  Bruce hears her and makes her a special closet in the batcave with her own costumes. This seems like a step in the right direction but we know how her Robin story ends.

At no point in this story did I feel like Stephanie was being sexualized.  it was more awkward and embarrassing than anything else. Neither Bruce nor Alfred said anything inappropriate to Steph, and no skin or nipples were shown thru her shirt.  She was just in a predicament where her costume was too tight because Bruce was making her wear Tim’s old costume.  And that was the point of the story (at least for me).  Bruce wasn’t trying to find a replacement Robin, he was trying to find a replacement Tim, and eventually get Tim back.

Bruce has a bad habit of trying to replace people in his life.  He did this with Jason and he did it with Stephanie, and the results where dang near the same.  Bruce replaced Dick with a direct copy, down to the hair color, race and costume.  Bruce was trying to do the same with Stephanie, however it was unsuccessful for obvious reasons.    This story really made me think about all the extra pressure Bruce put on Steph and Jason by trying to have them live up to Tim and Dick respectively.  Instead of playing up their strengths and letting them define what type of Robin they wanted to be, he wanted them to be replicas of their predecessors.    Both results turned out in disaster with Jason dying and Stephanie nearly being killed after she was fired. To me this story highlights how badly Bruce tried to use Stephanie to get to Tim.  It makes absolutely no sense that he wouldn’t make her a costume to fit her body.  But is it surprising b/c he did the same thing to Jason.  To me this story was a lot deeper than Stephanie busting out of her top.  It was about 1.  Bruce’s need to get Tim back 2.  Bruce’s lack of respect for Stephanie and 3.  Stephanie’s disastrous run as Robin.  Say what you will but she held the mantle for less than 3 months and almost died trying to prove herself to Bruce.  Stephanie never got a fair shake at being Robin, and this story highlights that perfectly.  She was literally setup to fail. Maybe I have overthought this story, but those are the points I got from it, and they are important points to be made, which is why it takes the # 5 spot.

4. Dick Grayson, Robin in A Little Nudge

Writer: Marv Wolfman

This is a story about a boy becoming a man and setting off on his own journey. In this story, we see Batman and Robin clashing on patrol, as Batman wants Robin to fall in line and Robin wants to make his own decisions. The issue ends with Dick thanking Bruce for everything he has done for him but leaving the nest to become his own hero. Bruce knew this day was coming, and instead of talking to Dick, he purposely picked small fights with him so he could make that step on his own.

3. Damian Wayne, Robin: Son of Batman in Bat and Mouse

Writer Robbie Thompson

This story lands in my #3 spot This story focuses on the fundamental differences between Damian and Bruce. Bruce knows that something is going on with Damian, he just can't figure out what it is. He wants to fix it but he doesn't know how. He can't rely on Alfred, as this story takes place after his death. On Damian's part, he is blaming everything on Bruce instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. While some see Damian's current storyline as a regression, I see a lost kid with no guidance. Alfred is dead, Dick is Ric and Bruce is emotionally inept. Jason tried to step-up, but that relationship soured quickly. Damian has no one to guide him, and is making bad decisions as a result. This story sets up the eventual showdown in the upcoming Teen Titans annual.

2. Jason Todd, Red Hood in More Time

Writer: Judd Winick

I was not expecting Jason to have the most heartfelt story in this issue. This story was beautiful and now I want Judd Winick to write another Red Hood miniseries or ongoing. This story highlighted the complicated relationship between Jason and Bruce in the most purest way I've ever seen. Even the artwork had an innocence to it. The story goes back and forth between a young Jason, who loves Bruce wholeheartedly, and an older Jason, whose relationship with Bruce is way more complicated and strained. This story highlights why Jason will always be a part of the Batfamily, because even with their complicated relationship, they love each other. This story just adds to the wonderful stories featuring Jason in 2020.

1. Tim Drake, Red Robin in Boy Wonders

Writer: James Tynion IV

The brotherly bonding in this story is what landed it in the # 1 spot. This story takes place prior to Detective Comics # 934. In this story, Tim cannot decide if he wants to attend college or join Bruce in forming the Gotham Knights. He seeks advice from Dick, Jason and Damian, with each one telling him something different. Dick tells Tim that he's a hero that the next generation can look up to. Jason essentially tells Tim that Bruce is stuck in his ways and he has the opportunity to be better than Bruce. The best advice however came from the little Gremlin in Tim's life. After some well placed insults, Damian tells Tim that he has accomplished everything he has set out to do, and has been successful in his endeavors. At the end of the day "You do anything you damn well please". The confirmations Tim received from his brothers was much needed for him and helped him make the decision to form the Gotham Knights with Bruce. I loved getting a "behind the scenes" look at how The Gotham Knights protocol was formed. Because of these factors, Boy Wonders has my #1 spot.

What is your favorite story from Robin 80?

[brave-clarice]

“Clarice” Liveblog: Episodes 5 & 6

Since these are extraordinarily late, I tried to keep them more concise/focused than before. I’m sorry for how long it’s taken me to (almost) catch up. And to the handful of you who’ve enjoyed these and encouraged me to do them: thank you!

Episode 5, “Get Right With God”

the music at the beginning of this episode might just be in the maintenance guy’s headphones(!) but it was still a…Choice.

there’s something so tragic about watching Clarice be unable to use her legs… :’(

this whole scenario feels like a twisted parallel universe version of the end of Hannibal.

glad to see Ardelia finally has her priorities straight and is going to fight for her best friend! let’s forget her Episode 4 subplot ever happened.

good: the warrior finding a weapon even in the direst of circumstances!

bad: those damn moths are back. at least this time they might be drug-induced.

“she worked Bill alone” no, she didn’t. not really. (Hannibal: I’m right here.)

stop trying to make Likable Paul happen, it’s never going to happen!!!

I HATE the “Reesey” nickname, y’all. HATE. IT.

plus, we know that her dad called her “Baby”?

her father’s appearance doubles down on the end-of-Hannibal vibes...Not Sure If Want.

wow, Clarice is being literally tortured? thanks, I hate it!!!

really doubt that Clarice’s Pinto used to belong to her father (who drives a truck in the books??)... weird flex.

and how would she even have gotten it? her mother would either have driven that car into the ground out of necessity or else have sold it for the money the Starlings needed so desperately.

Pintos also weren’t super high-quality cars and were definitely not built to last ~20 years.

Clarice already being able to chat with her father whenever she needs to really undermines the therapy Hannibal will eventually give her, but…I guess they’ve already accepted they’ll never make it that far?

“you’re trying to get in my head” yeah, and she’s doing it, too–’cause she learned from the best!

“you get an answer, I get an answer, Felker.” she’s Hannibal’s girl all right.

this episode’s had flashes of brilliance before diving back into…whatever tf watching one of your favorite characters of all time being tortured is.

I really wanted Ardelia to say that no, but Clarice was like a sister to her.

it took FIVE episodes to get some lamb imagery, but we’ve been looking at moths for the entire season?!

oof, Clarice voicing her own insecurities about her childhood abandonment and using them to twist Felker’s arm...painful but smart.

HANNAH!!!

I would die 4 baby Clarice

after all that, Clarice is going to apologize to Ardelia about last week? this episode SUCKS.

Good: Clarice playing mind games with Felker like Hannibal did to her; Ardelia going to bat for her bestie, lamb flashbacks, baby Clarice, and HANNAH!

Bad: So much. Clarice being medically tortured multiple times, moth hallucinations, the several-years-premature (imo) Daddy-as-Guardian-Angel plot device, “Reesey”...did I mention Clarice getting repeatedly tortured?!

Ugly: Krendler backstory + making out with his wife. Ew.

Wow, this episode was a hot mess, and I kind of hated it. I loved Clarice’s really Hannibalesque approach to Felker, and I’m so thrilled that Hannah got mentioned at all (tho...did they need to be so heavy-handed with the helmet and gun and everything?) Also nice to see Ardelia behaving much more in-character. That said, it was sickening and imo totally unnecessary to further traumatize Clarice the way they did. To make her almost helpless.

Clarice, and by extension Rebecca Breeds (who is fantastic and deserves better), has been given very little range so far. She’s frequently been shown as miserable, afraid, desperate, traumatized, angry, resentful, but I also want to see her joyful, laughing, silly, relaxed...something else that will give her depth. Her life wasn’t miserable 24/7, 365. It was just unfulfilling. We got glimpses of this in the first two episodes. PLEASE bring it back!

And rn I’m questioning how Clarice’s career can possibly drag on for another six years after this. Her apparent PTSD is already interfering with her job performance as it is--this experience is only going to make it worse. Her “body count” in Hannibal was around five, iirc, and that was enough to slap her with the “Death Angel” moniker. In the show at least four people have died in close proximity to Clarice in the space of like...a week. How does she come back from that, even as the savior of Catherine Martin? It’s a PR nightmare for obth Clarice and the FBI.

They’ve also sort of forgotten that the Martins existed while continuing to flesh out Krendler’s (?!) character? It’s weird.

I almost don’t even want to watch Episode 6 after that. But here goes...

Episode 6, “How Does It Feel to Be So Beautiful?”

the freaking MOTHS again, I hate them!

frankly, yeah, Clarice should be on leave.

Clarice’s nondescript monochrome suits and constant ponytail are just so boring. in the book she’s described as never having to put effort into making her hair look good--so why is it always pulled back in this show?

I’m not sure it’s very in-character for Clarice, at this point in her career, to go over her boss’s head to get out of admin leave (one she really needs to take tbh) even for the sake of solving a case

lol what the actual hell @ AG Martin guilt-tripping Clarice, who was very recently tortured and almost died, for not calling Catherine back? Clarice is not Catherine’s therapist!

THIS is what my Vogue-reading heroine with burgeoning great taste wears for a night out? so disappointing.

never in my life did I think I’d be sitting through Krendler’s personal drama in a show ABOUT CLARICE STARLING.

her costume sucks and her hairstyle’s from years in the future, but dang does Clarice look gorgeous.

and I love thinking of her getting a taste of the luxury she’ll enjoy with Hannibal. :)

you know what? I think I was actually fine with them forgetting that the Martins were in this show.

whyyy is Krendler being made so sympathetic?!

now Catherine Martin “loved to sew” just like Frederica Bimmel? hmm. (tbf, maybe this is in the novel, and I’ve just forgotten.)

her gift for Clarice is sweet, though.

so beautiful, indeed

Christ on a cracker, that confrontation between the Martins was painful to watch (not a criticism). this show’s AG and her daughter are very much two of a kind in terms of emotional manipulation.

I stan one (1) doofus

now either Catherine’s gaslighting Clarice...or Clarice’s trauma (over BILL! again with this!) is so pervasive that it’s twisted her memories. either way, I hate it.

so Krendler’s lawyer is dirty and that’s why he’ll (probably) turn against Clarice? but WHY? why can’t Krendler just suck?

Good: Clarice looking gorgeous, Ardelia continuing to fight for Clarice, female characters in positions of authority everywhere

Bad: Clarice’s underwhelming costumes, Clarice’s primary/worst trauma apparently STILL being Buffalo Bill & having Clarice break down crying again (and NOT over what happened last week, which would tbh make a lot more sense).

Sad: Shaan’s backstory about his wife, everything involving Catherine

Ugly: Krendler subplot. Ugh.

I just don’t know how I feel about this installment. Wish I cared more about the overarching conspiracy plot, but I’m really only here for Clarice and Ardelia. And while no show can stand on the shoulders of a single character, for a show about Clarice, there seems to be quite a bit of screentime devoted to her bosses, Martin and Krendler, and even to her team members. And all without Clarice herself getting much character development. They don’t seem to be exploring much of her character other than her traumatic backstories, and I’m no longer very hopeful that she’ll be much more fleshed out in the last four episodes, either. It’s a bummer. I really think Rebecca could shine like Jodie did if she were given a chance.

Most of the scenes with the Martins were visceral and felt so real that it was hard to watch. That said...the AG Martin/Catherine content all strikes me as being somewhat detached from the rest of the show, as if the writers are making it up as they go along with no real end goal in mind.

Man...these two were rough going. Very little humor or warmth and absolutely no joy. Of course the source material is dark, so a somewhat dark crime drama is to be expected, but I really think the show needs a slightly less intense, bleak and (dare I say it?) unpleasant episode. But they writers have really dug themselves into a hole by zeroing in on Clarice’s PTSD. And unlike in Hannibal, there’s no love interest with whom she (and by extension, the audience) can flee her misery and pain. 

I'm cautiously optimistic about the rest of the season. A lot of the ingredients are there, and despite my many criticisms, it’s been great to spend time with a character I love. Fingers crossed that they finish strong!

[brooklel]

my thoughts on worlds end club, under the cut because it’ll probably be long and also spoilers

so i bought the game today at around 9am and played it until i beat it at around 11:30pm ish? so ha uh yeah it took a little while but i was very enthralled in the story

the story and characters are hands down the best part of the game. compared to literally any of the danganronpa games, i like the cast of characters so much more. like there’s always one or two in a danganronpa games group that i just don’t like but in wec i loved all of them. i’d usually dislike chuko’s tsundere character type but i actually ended up liking her. my least favorite is probably dragon power ranger kid whatshisname but i don’t hate him or anything i just found him to be the weakest character tbh. but i do really like his character design

speaking of the character designs OOF they’re all so good. i didn’t realize until looking up stuff on the characters but they’re all based on the animals of the Chinese zodiac which is cool and the design elements are subtle and it’s not narratively important but i mean they didn’t need to be. there’s a few offhand remarks here and there like comparing kansai to a tiger and chuko to a rat but they’re not really shoved in your face which is nice

oh also i wanna compliment pai in particular. she’s the boar character which first of all i feel like people would usually make male, and if they made her female, then she would be angry and stubborn and probably not conventionally attractive but she’s not any of those! also she’s a little heavier than the rest of the girls which 1. makes her even more adorable, and 2. no one in the game brings up or makes fun of her for which is nice. mowchan sadly didn’t get exactly the same treatment he was still the fat comic relief character. he deserved so much better.

the art is all so pretty as well like i already loved the art style from pokemon and in wec it’s even more exaggerated and i live for it. i also like the movie they’re watching at the beginning has more realistic humans that’s just kinda funny.

the humor is pretty good i guess but what i’m really here for is the fun childish but realistic portrayal of friendship and emotions like it does kinda take me back to my own little group of friends in elementary school, where sometimes there would be disagreements, but we were still always friends

i loved reicho as a canonically mute protag and how none of his friends ever minded or even brought it up like that’s so cute. but the reveal that reicho was basically just a big puppet kinda just made it feel a little different... like idk how to explain it but yeah

ANYWAY here’s my obligatory paragraph about pochi because he’s my son now. the writers knew what they were doing by making him a kinda shy gamer kid bc they knew people were gonna relate to him even when he had a somewhat smaller role in the story before turning into the full fledged protagonist. anyway this robot puppy boy is my son i will protect him

the scene where pochi basically gets dunked on by the rest of the team is weird to me like idk it just feels out of character for most of them to be like lol yeah pochis useless RIGHT after he drove an entire train to one of the specific places that those special mushrooms grow and now they can all see vanilla

also kinda unrelated but this is my second game in the past few months where i correctly guessed one of the characters was voiced by megumi ogata because dang i just love her voice. this time it was pochi and the other one was the protag in the famicom detective club games. i legit heard one line and was like HOL UP and googled it lmao

i’m still confused on why the story takes place in the 90s. it doesn’t have a particularly 90s aesthetic and most of the technology just doesn’t match up with 90s tech. like i feel like it works better if it takes place more near present day. if there’s more cultural reasons then i’m not sure what they are but i’m really curious about this. the game is very reliant on japanese culture and locations, which isn’t a bad thing but i’m an ignorant american who was also born after the 90s so im wondering if there’s some specific reason why it’s SPECIFICALLY 90s japan

oh yeah i haven’t even talked about the gameplay yet. it’s.... shitty. maybe i’m a little biased because i’m not a big platformer girl but even so it’s just not.... good...... i kinda got myself soft locked one time because a big snowman guy was blocking my way and i had no way to kill him or get around him, luckily you can just restart from your last checkpoint but still. some of the special abilities/attacks just didn’t feel that good to use, like dragon boi’s and chuko’s felt too short range at times and jennu’s and aniki’s felt a little too slow. the rest were fine i guess. the only one i felt like was done well was kansai’s.

i played on easy mode cuz it was the default one that was highlighted and idk if it effects the platforming sections or the “puzzles” but the puzzles were way too easy. most of them just felt like they were checking that you paid basic attention to the story. the ones at the end are somewhat harder but i still didn’t have any problems with them. the stuff the outright tell you would have mad better puzzles like the xxy thing but at the same time were you even supposed to realize that? the otherworlder aka you i guess says it like no big deal but like i guess the middle x looked slightly different? but not enough to be like OH OBVIOUSLY ITS X TIMES Y. on the flipside i solved the heaven map puzzle before i even had all of the pieces. i guess i have to give it some slack though because it would probably be a bit harder if you didn’t really know english kinda like the danganronpa 11037 thing

also am i just stupid or how were you supposed to know the year the phone displayed was the y number in that puzzle? i forgot to get it before trying to solve the puzzle so i knew it corresponded to the y because it was the only clue i didn’t have so i didn’t have to think about it that hard but like did the phone have something to do with the letter y or was it just like a what clue haven’t i used kinda thing

anyway apologies for the super long post if you read the whole thing then wow thanks i guess? anyway in conclusion pochi is my son