#This change in health and strength and other things should somehow manifest.

[bratz-kitten]

mars through the houses

mars in the 1st house: your confident, reckless and inconsiderate nature is due to your innate fear of being taken advantage of. you fear being seen as weak and like a victim that others can prey on. you’re very impulsive and energetic, not afraid of expressing yourself and pursuing what you want most in life. you want to show the world what you’re capable of and to impress others with your confidence. you want things done your way, you’re very independent. your sincerity and straightforward nature gives you a capability of hurting others and being hostile, it’s your job to choose not to. determined and unable to give up. you don’t even think twice before doing something dangerous; there’s this happy-go-lucky nature in you that makes it so that even when you get in trouble, things still work out your way because you believed they would. you react very quickly to obstacles and adverse situations/people trying to bring you down.

mars in the 2nd house: you’re very protective of both the people you love and your possessions. there’s an innate need for stability that you possess that has you being an impulsive buyer an hoarder, someone who needs to be careful with how much they’re spending – but it’s because you’re simply terrified of instability. you work hard to gain money and be able to spend as much as you want, but you should refrain from holding on to things too tightly. your value is not about how much money you make – remember that. even if you’re lucky when it comes to money, too much spending could cause havoc. inconsistency from the ones you love terrifies you. your values and strong opinions are very important to you, just like your independence and sensuality. others can be bothered by your possessiveness over them, with good reason; you should refrain from thinking you always know what’s best for them.

mars in the 3rd house: you’re very straightforward when it comes to expressing yourself and you’re not at all afraid of speaking about sensible issues, even when everyone around you is. you’re very outspoken and provocative, loving to expand other’s people’s perspectives and help open their narrow minds. you can be an overthinker to the point of losing yourself in your thoughts and paranoias. there’s a tendency for creating conflict through discussing with your friends and family, investing a lot of time in trivial arguments. easily annoyed and very knowledgeable, it’s like you have something to say about every subject. there’s a capability for being very harsh with your words; you have a sharp tongue. apologies are rare but when they happen, they’re very sincere. an intellectual through and through but you should be careful about being too analytical and experiencing mental trauma.

mars in the 4th house: you may have come from an abusive family in which you had to deal with a difficult childhood due to controlling, aggressive or downright abusive parents. either way, for the best or worst, your family problems affect you greatly. that manifests in either cutting ties with everything that connects you to your family or wanting to reproduce the dynamic in your present relationships to try and do it “right” this time. i’ve also noticed that there’s a fear underlying this placement of having children in fear of them going through the same things the native did. this placement also indicates coming from a dangerous neighbourhood. you have an immense emotional strength that helps you fight for what you want. you’re very protective but you also have a tendency to argue and antagonize others. avoid getting too stuck in the past. you’re a human manipulation detective, no one can lie to you. it’s a challenge for you to learn to deal with your anger and the past. you’re also very enthusiastic and active, and no matter whether you exercise or not, you tend to be very physically strong.

mars in the 5th house: you’re incredibly proud and competitive, making it so that you don’t accept failure. you have an explosive creative and destructive energy; you’re a natural risk-taker and gambler. active hobbies like playing sports would be very beneficial for these natives. you also tend to have a selfish nature. very sexual, love is a way for you to express yourself. sex is almost an animalistic drive. even if you don’t have a particularly high sex-drive, you have this need to be admired and respected by others due to your sexual prowess, which can be very toxic and make you have this complicated relationship with sex and how you want to express it vs how you think you should be expressing it. underlying fear about not being good enough, which explains your desire to win. very sentimental and with a huge need to live life to the fullest. hurried and chaotic energy. impulsive and your pursue of excitement and adrenaline might have you involved in many relationships.

mars in the 6th house: you have a very deep need of being of service to others, to the point of forgetting to put yourself first. you’re very dedicated to your passions and eager to work hard, with a lot of energy when it comes to work life, but be careful of overworking yourself to the point of a breakdown. you can also be very irritable when others are not working as hard as you or meeting your expectations; you should work on your teamwork skills, and to be more gentler with those around you and not let your violent nature get the best of you. you should also be more attentive of your health. very calculated and disciplined. you melt when being appreciated for your efforts. you make for a strict boss but an amazing friend. you tend to see the worst in people, though, being very attentive to their flaws that should somehow be fixed. it’s not like you have bad intentions, you just have a need for improvement, seeing the potential in everything you lay your eyes on.

mars in the 7th house: your need to be constantly stimulated can have you be intensely argumentative, especially with the ones who are closest to you. you can easily offend others and have a hard time compromising, which can drive people away and make teamwork prove to be a difficulty; that and the fact that you simply desire to lead. you love being in a relationship because it prompts you to be more active, but those relationships cam have a dynamic of restlessness to them due to the constant fighting. you have a lot of romantic energy, you just need to learn to channel it in a constructive way. very energetic and creative, with a love for being challenged and provoking others just for the fun of it. even if you can be careless of what others want and only focus on your needs, you still invest a lot of time and energy into your relationships; you’re very devoted, passionate and loyal. being more open-minded and learning to be a better listener would do you wonders.

mars in the 8th house: you both crave and fear intimacy. on one hand, you might be hypersexual and very assertive about your wants and needs; on the other hand, you fear letting anyone close to you for fear of them ending up betraying you. paranoias about being cheated on by your partner; you might hold on too much and too tight to people, needing to learn to let go of that need to control the ones you love. fear of opening up and being vulnerable, yet you wouldn’t stand others acting like that towards you. sexually magnetic. you seek intense manifestation and answers to your many questions about the dark side of life, unresolved traumas, the workings of the universe, etc. transformation occurs when you conquer your paranoias and fear of losing control, and it’s through that manifestation that your energy runs at its highest. moving on might prove to be very difficult when you’ve learned to identify with that part of your life as a part of your character. this placement focuses a lot on acting out your self-expression, which was something you didn’t get to do when you were younger.

mars in the 9th house: you’re very enthusiastic about intellectual pursuits and achieving your dreams. open-minded, and a lover of discussing your ideas with others. you hate it whenever someone tries to impose their beliefs on you, but there’s a tendency for you to do do exactly that to other people, due to thinking you’re always right. you love learning and travelling. you don’t care for social status, you care for enriching your mind. you might have a complicated relationship with higher-powers and the belief of god. there’s an innate need to search for and find the Absolute Truth, and these natives might either study about these matters like god or the universe with all the urgency in the world or be very afraid to explore them. either way, they feel very strongly, nearly fanatically, about the subject of god, the universe, philosophy. it’d do you well to understand that there isn’t an Absolute Truth and that everyone is allowed to have a different outlook and perspective on life because we all go through different things that change and mold our beliefs.

mars in the 10th house: you practically demand an exciting work dynamic + public image. you want to be recognised by your unwavering determination and passion in everything you do, your willingness to work hard and take the lead; you destroy every obstacle that comes your way. though, this assertive nature can make you come off as too aggressive, leaving others who aren’t as bold with a negative impression of you. spontaneous, independent and strong-willed; you’d hate to feel like there’s anyone or anything controlling you beside yourself. which is why you might hate destiny, you’re not fond of a higher-power being the one to make things happen and not yourself. you love obstacles and you literally feel bored when there’s nothing standing between your way and what you want; you like being challenged because you believe that that’s the way for you to push your limits and build resilience. conflicts with authority; you hate those in power due to their incompetence or corruption and want to fight to change the system. secretive and mysterious nature. strong instincts. you constantly seek answers, analyse others’ intentions and actions.

mars in the 11th house: unmatched bravery. you become a leader even without the intent of doing so, your passion and bravery inspiring all those around you. social issues, problems concerning your friends or humanity as a whole are when your aggressiveness comes hardest (seriously, don’t fuck with these people’s friends). very strong sense of right and wrong. however, your sense of justice is very personal, making it sometimes difficult for you to accept differences between people. your big dreams and determination to do what must be done causes frustration when dealing with the pessimism and restrictions of your current reality. you’re a rebel through and through. cunning and unpredictable. you’re willing to sacrifice yourself if it’s for what you’re fighting for. energised by the thought of joining the whole world together to fight for the same cause. an enjoyment of friendships with a competitive edge, you might have a rival who you actually really respect. natural problem-solver.

mars in the 12th house: your problems of unresolved feelings of rage are due to the complexes you used to feel in your family. you’re likely to have been physically abused and/or bullied in your childhood, which now shows in your fear of physical confrontation, fear of being physically weak. you internalize your anger, taking it out on yourself. explosive anger that may come off at unpredictable times. this placement also indicates insecurities and a fear of not achieving anything in life. prone to delusion like a distorted sense of reality/paranoias of your friends hating you. you might get lost on your fantasies as a form of escapism. now, i know this all sounds terrible: but if you’re able to work through your anger issues, take action instead of escaping through fantasies and work on developing self-love, the potential this placement has is enormous. because no matter how many times you get knocked down, you’ll rise stronger than ever. your strength is found within. courage that comes from emotional sensitivity. sexually magnetic + mysterious aura that draws others in.

[scripttorture]

I'd like to ask about solitary confinement and whether someone who is a voluntary hermit and literally living in a cave (albeit coastal - they'd see ships in the distance) will have any issues with it?

Yes but it can get sort of… interesting in terms of individual variation and self-selection factors.

 Essentially the kind of person who wants to live in a cave away from everyone else is likely to be less tolerant of having a lot of people around them and more tolerant of isolation.

 There are rare individuals who are much more tolerant of the effects of isolation then the rest of us. And any occupation that requires long periods of isolation sort of… self selects for them. Because without that ridiculously high tolerance for isolation the job itself becomes unbearable and the people leave.

 If there’s a position open for ‘hermit in the seaside cave’ then the locals are more likely to remember the guy who lived there for twenty years then the fifteen people before him who tried and couldn’t hack it for more then a week or two.

 However, high tolerance doesn’t mean ‘no effects’. I’ve seen less interviews with people who voluntarily isolate themselves then I have with solitary survivors (this makes sense because the former is rarer). The interviews I have seen don’t go into as much depth as I would like about mental health.

 But when people are describing regular hallucinations and weird mood swings (which we know are possible effects in solitary confinement) then I think it’s safe to assume the effects still manifest. Even in more resistant individuals.

 Interestingly the- let’s call them ‘modern hermits’- that I read about often tried to put a positive view on their symptoms. I particularly remember reading an interview with a religious individual who linked her hallucinations to her faith. (Nothing against anyone’s faith here but if you start seeing and hearing things that is still a hallucination.)

 Writing wise I think the way to approach this scenario is to consider the character and what the story gains by them being in this situation.

 For instance- Is this character going to need to interact positively with other human beings? Has this character been coerced or persuaded to live like this? Do you have space in the story to include long term symptoms of isolation? Is it actually important that the character has no human contact or do they just need to be slightly apart from ‘normal’ society in their world? Is the character really, realistically having less then 1-2 hours of human contact a day? (If so where is their food and water coming from?)

 Do symptoms from isolation create interesting moments and obstacles in the story you want to tell? What is it that draws you to the idea of the character being alone?

 Humans are a social species and that means that interacting with other people is a biological need just like the need for food, water and air. Variations in tolerance are not the same as an absence of that biological need.

 A lot of books I’ve read and shows/movies I’ve watched just… do not treat it like that. And they often go on to make moral judgements about people who have less tolerance of isolation versus those who have a higher tolerance for it.

 People with low tolerance are ‘weak’, ‘dependant’ and ‘cowardly’. However at the same time these narratives characterise people with higher tolerances for isolation as being incredibly social and charismatic and able to juggle huge social circles.

 Neither of these things are true to life and I think they’re both full of unfortunate implications.

 The first set of assumptions assumes that people are somehow lesser for being… normal. The second set of assumptions implies that the experiences of real people with high tolerances for isolation are completely invalid. Because they tend to withdraw and not want to interact as much while these stories imply they ‘should’ be as hyper-social as everyone else.

 And both of these sets of unrealistic stereotypes imply that the experiences of people forced into solitary confinement are somehow less damaging then they actually are. Because they imply that our in/ability to deal with isolation is primarily an issue of morality, strength and willpower rather then… a goddamn biological need programmed into us by several million years of having to depend on each other for survival.

 I am not saying that it’s wrong to write profoundly isolated characters, or characters that are isolated by choice. But if you want to do that I think you need to consider what that’s like and what kind of character you’re creating.

 Based on the interviews of seen the people who tolerate prolonged periods of isolation (weeks or months, very rarely a year or more) aren’t very sociable and don’t have a whole lot of friends. They don’t like crowds. They find socialising more stressful then most people even when it’s rewarding. They’re often not as profoundly isolated as people in solitary confinement.

 And they still experience negative effects from isolation, even when they choose it.

 A positive view on symptoms does not make symptoms less serious or make them go away.

 So consider what you want the character in this story to do. Would they be going off on an adventure? Would they be taken from the cave and into a context with more people and a pressure to more interaction?

 Because (and this is my personal opinion) I don’t think that someone who’d volunteered to be that profoundly alone would want to do any of that. They might even be significantly pissy about someone invading their private space to ask for help.

 And there’s nothing wrong with having a character like that or a story that forces a character outside of their comfort zone. But if it isn’t the kind of story you want to tell or the kind of character you want to write I’d suggest changing the scenario.

 There’s a really easy way to do that: most hermits and anchoresses historically were not isolated to the level that people in solitary confinement are. The definition for solitary is less then 1-2 hours a day of human contact.

 Historically these people received a lot more visitors then you’d expect. Some of them hoped to learn from a person they saw as closer to God. Some of them helped deliver supplies and keep the hermits or anchoresses fed and in clean accommodation. Some of them were other hermits or anchoresses because these people often lived in small communities and would work and eat together (even if it was in silence).

 There were people who did go out into the wilderness alone, in the remotest areas they could find. A lot of those people were also in small communities rather then completely isolated. They also generally… died. Really really young. Like the grave finds tell some very clear stories and they’re tragedies.

 If you want to tell a story about isolation I’d suggest looking at the sources in my masterpost on solitary confinement. If you’d rather tell a story about hermits you might want to look up anchoresses and people like St Cuthbert (who, as a member of St Cuthbert’s Society I can say was a complete berk.)

 If you want to keep an element of apartness from society but you don’t want to write solitary or something too close to the historical reality just… have the character go into the nearest town regularly. Have them get the occasional visitor. Show the readers that they’re not completely alone.

 I hope that helps :)

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[lovelivingmydreams]

The next day: Good morning

Part One: Wrong door Part two: As adults Part Three: A thousand miles

A new morning has arrived and the sides awaken to their new normal. How do they deal?

The sound of an alarm echoed through the hallways of the mindscape, but went largely ignored. In the dreamscape a father looked up from his spot next to a teacher who was taking careful notes of their surroundings. Which probably making the dreams more vivid in the process. In the darker corners of the mind, only one side truly woke up from the alarm an got up to prepare for the day ahead. The other two grunted displeased and turned around… but neither before tossing something at the wall as if that would stop the unpleasant noise. In the room where fears and doubts reside the shadow’s stirred at the sound, but the one who was supposed to urge Thomas to wake up and address all their concerns was not there. He laid in a room that was about to become a scene from numerous Disney classics. Bluebirds opened the curtains to the royal bedchambers so the prince could assist Thomas in getting ready for the day. They could’ve spared themselves the trouble. Thomas –who’d set his alarm the previous morning and forgotten all about it when he went to bed –turned it off and went right back to sleep. Virgil, knowing that Thomas had no obligations for at least the next 48 hours, just buried his head deeper into the pillow and ignored everything. Including the birds and the light and the fact that he was definitely not in his room. Not knowing what to do the birds awaited orders of their prince who slowly blinked himself awake. Roman currently occupied as much space in his king sized bed as humanly possible. When his eyes adjusted to the light he stretched a little, feeling a slight tug at the bottom of his shirt as he moved. He looked down and found Virgil curled up at the far edge of the bed with one hand reaching out and holding onto the fabric of his sleeping shirt to assure himself of his presence. In the light of day he could see that when Virgil manifested in his sleepwear, his make-up vanished, allowing Roman to really see the other sides’ face for the first time in almost twenty years. In the mindscape the sides’ physical appearance varied a little more than in the real world. Roman was the tallest of them, Patton and Logan both were about Thomas’ height and Virgil stood an inch shorter, at least he did when he stood straight, which was almost never. Patton had freckles everywhere and his dirty blond hair was curly. Logan’s skin was spotless and a little pale. His dark hair was always combed back neatly and cut shorter than Thomas’. Roman’s skin was tanned and his chestnut hair had a slight elegant sweep to it and he always combed it out of his face, got to show off the moneymaker after all. Virgil was the only one of them who had stuck to Thomas’ real hairstyle, except he let the bangs go straight down his face, and ever since Thomas colored it for the first time Virgil kept the purple as his new signature look. Roman had opted not to paint his hair ‘full rainbow’ because he wanted to allow Virgil to stand out in his own way. The anxious side was paler than the rest of them but under that white foundation he had a rosy color to his skin and freckles dotting the area under his eyes. Roman knew this, Virgil didn’t start wearing make-up or hoodies until after he moved to the other side. Which was exactly what made Roman so happy to see this. Underneath that broody exterior, his old friend was, and always had been, the same person he’d had so much fun with back when things were simple. He hoped Virgil had at least slept decently after practically being forced to spend the night here. Virgil was a creature of habits, they comforted him, that much Roman had learned. This unexpected change couldn’t be pleasant. He looked up to the helpful little creatures at his window who were wondering what to do. He gave them a gentle smile and signaled that they could go, he didn’t need their help this morning. They bowed and closed the curtains on their way out. Roman, knowing he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, slowly sat up straighter. He made sure not to disturb Virgil. He deserved every second of sleep he could get. He, Patton and Logan all had been horrified to learn that Virgil rarely allowed himself to really sleep. Technically they didn’t need to sleep, or eat or do anything Thomas needs to do to stay alive. They have no real bodies that can starve or get exhausted. But mental exhaustion is still very real, they all had to at least take a nap every once in a while. It wasn’t like ducking out. Even asleep they remained part of Thomas’ being. But it weakened their influence slightly. Virgil, apparently, was so stressed about something going wrong while he was asleep that he always postponed it as long as he could. So perhaps mental health days would be a good thing for Virgil too. Maybe he could relax today and have some fun without half of his mind being with whatever Thomas was currently doing. Speaking of having fun… Roman summoned a notepad and started writing down ideas for what Thomas could do today. Fun activities that had no goal or obligation other than to recharge all of their batteries so they could tackle the next challenge at full strength. Not too intense for Virgil, yet stimulating enough for Logan and wholesome and cute for Patton. And somehow entertaining for Janus and Remus as well. Well there is that book Thomas meant to read, it came highly recommended, but there never seemed to be time to really sit down and read it. And there were a couple of puzzles he’d bought for slow days. One in particular had lots of cute animals in it that Patton would love. There was the Lego Disney castle… Oh, playing Kingdom Hearts would be fun. That one was probably best for everyone. Challenging for Logan, but not so stressful that it would trigger Virgil. Patton loved the whole hearts and friendship storyline. And he was sure that Janus could appreciate the many layers to the story or whatever. Remus definitely liked the heartless. And, personally, he could never resist anything that involved Disney. Especially when they could play the hero who saved all their beloved characters from evil. They could definitely spend a few of their hours on that. Now for food… Well there was their Hello Fresh delivery... But Thomas might not feel like cooking at all. Best have a plan b, just in case. They still had some time to donate their order and if necessary they could keep today’s delivery for tomorrow and donate that one instead. Roman, realizing what he was doing, couldn’t help but chuckle at himself. Look at him making contingencies… Virgil is rubbing of on him. He shouldn’t bring his plan b up to Thomas unless it was needed though. Once the idea of ordering some comfort food was on the table, cooking would look even less appealing and Thomas had been doing so well on cooking his own meals. And cooking for himself made Thomas feel in control of his own life and Patton was always proud of him when he did that. It was slightly more stressful for Virgil, but not that much more than having some stranger handle their food did. Besides, less social interaction would probably be appreciated. And eating healthy counts as self care right? What else? Well, Thomas could watch a few movies. Roman wanted to give him enough things to do today that didn’t require their full and undivided attention. That way, all of them could do some things for fun too. He could take Virgil on a tour in the imagination. Maybe they could even talk with Remus. He was pretty much alone now. Sure there was… Him. But he didn’t really count. From the one time Roman and Virgil had talked about downstairs, Virgil had made it clear that even the ‘dark sides’ didn’t like to go anywhere near him. He wasn’t going to leave his brother alone with that guy regardless. It wouldn’t be fair. Remus couldn’t help the way he was. Janus had simply set him loose and he’d gone a little overboard. Sure, Roman had been mad about it at the time, but he’d gotten over it. Remus had even checked in on him when Roman ventured near the border later that day. He’d been rather pleasant about it all and seemed even slightly worried he’d done permanent damage. It was veiled in insults about his intelligence and looks of course. Still, it was a nice sentiment he had come to appreciate. And it was more than Janus had ever offered. So as long as Remus promised to refrain from using violence against him or his friends, Roman could learn to live with his brother again. If Virgil was okay with that. He would not make such a decision over his head. He’d lived with Remus for years, it should be up to him if he wanted to do so again. He tore off the page with suggestions for Thomas and wrote down things he wanted to do himself. It was a ‘take care of yourself day’ after all. So with his part in taking care of Thomas done he focused on recharging his own batteries. He glanced down at Virgil. He better make a plan b in case Virgil doesn’t feel like spending the day with him and Remus. One thing he is sure of, he doesn’t want to be alone today. And he doesn’t really want to be around Janus or Patton if he doesn’t have to be. He could hang out with Remus in the imagination if Virgil really didn’t want to be around other sides today. Before long he had a list of activities he could be doing with his chosen company and things he could do alone should he find himself without other options. He really hoped Virgil was up for a visit to the imagination though. He’d been wanting to ask for ages, but there never seemed to be a right time. Now that Remus might be coming along… Well it might take some of the pressure off for Virgil if he wasn’t the only new visitor. He just had to take things one step at a time. Suddenly he felt the grip on his shirt disappear and he looked down to find Virgil curling up entirely for a moment before letting out a yawn, rolling on his stomach and stretching himself out. Roman bit back a comment about how much Virgil resembled a kitten in that moment. It wouldn’t be appreciated. “Morning pumpkin king,” he greeted playfully. Virgil blinked a few times and then pushed himself up until he sat cross-legged on the bed. “Morning Princey,” he replied only half awake, rubbing at his eyes. “I hope my accommodations were to your liking?” Roman offered as he summoned a piece of parchment and a feather to copy down the ideas he wanted Thomas to consider. It was necessary if he wanted his ideas to come through clearly. Quickly scrabbled notes got jumbled along the way until there was only a vague notion of a plan left. Just the wish to do something. But when it was written out carefully on parchment, then it was a plan clear as day. “Um, yeah. Slept fine… how are you?” Virgil verified tentatively. Roman looked up from his writing to send him an appreciative  smile. He didn’t insult the openness they’d shared last night by hiding the weariness of his eyes, or overplaying his smile to camouflage the slight worry lines that appeared when he felt less than his charming self. “I’m better. Not alright, but better,” he told him honestly. Virgil contemplated that for a minute and then nodded to himself. “Good… What are you working on?” he asked then, buying them both some time before they’d have to talk about last night and what awaited them today. “Well… Logan might make the work schedules, but I’m in charge of what happens. Mostly. So I wrote a few options. Once this is done my day off starts though,” he glances down at Virgil sternly. “As does yours,” he reminds him sternly and Virgil chuckles, throwing his hands up in surrender. “Alright, I promise!” Then he scoots a little closer to look at what Roman is writing. “KH sounds like fun,” he mutters casually as he leaned back and studied the star covered ceiling. Unbeknownst to Virgil, his voiced approval added his sigil next to that idea. “I thought we’d all like that one best.” With a flourish Roman signed the paper and let it vanish up to the outer layer of the conscious where it would get everyone else’s attention and votes until Thomas made a real decision. It was quite literally out of Roman’s hands what would happen now. And for once he was okay with that. It felt freeing in a way, to let go of an idea and let it be what it would be. He stared at the space where the paper had been seconds ago, contemplating how he could ask Virgil to spent the day in the imagination. “Hey, Ro?” Virgil said quietly getting the performer’s attention. “Yes?” “If you ever doubt if Thomas still thinks of you as a hero… Ask me, not Janus,” That… Wasn’t what he expected. “Alright. Why?” Roman asked confused, mirroring Virgil’s cross-legged position and properly turning on the bed to face him. “Like I said. Whatever Janus says, you never know by what rules he’s playing, when he’s sincere. And… If anyone knows how Thomas might be feeling about his hero… It’d be me.” Roman blinked surprised at that, the awkward blush on his brooding friend’s face didn’t help his confusion. “I mean… It’s… Remember the middle school writings and stuff we looked at back when we all visited Patton’s room?” Virgil muttered, avoiding Roman’s gaze by studying one of his posters. “Yes. It helped me realize just how much I created to… Calm you down, I suppose,” Roman admitted, now feeling a little embarrassed himself. Neither of them was used to this sort of conversation. Last night Roman had been too upset to really care about being vulnerable and Virgil had been too worried. Now, now they both sat here with a clear head and no choice but to be aware of the fact that they were both admitting to caring about one another. Which was a huge step up from the playful ‘I barely tolerate you’ atmosphere they usually had where such sentiments were ‘an understood thing’. Virgil was his best friend, there was no doubt in Roman’s mind about that. And maybe they both should tell each other these things more often. It seemed like their resident guardian angel was about to do just that. Unless Roman was misreading the situation. Virgil nodded. “Right… I mean, I know I really started to act like a villain back then… But we’ve established that my… ‘Fits’ were me being worried and trying to get you guys to pay attention to the dangers I saw… I was scared too. And when Patton and Logan weren’t sure what to do because, well, puberty had them both in a mess.” Roman nodded. Logan struggled to make sense of everything back then and Patton… Well it wouldn’t surprise anyone to hear that the heart is all over the place in ones teen years. “You still rose to the challenge to make Thomas, and me, feel safe and somewhat in control of things. As at odds as we were… As mad as I tried to be with you. You were my hero as much as you where Thomas’. If anyone is going to notice when he stops looking up to you, stops feeling calmer when you’re in his corner, it’ll be me… and for what it’s worth, you’ll always be mine. Even if Thomas completely loses his mind somehow, because that’s the only way I see him ever stop looking up to you the way he does…” Finally Virgil looked back at Roman with a beet red face and an annoyed expression. “Now, stop being so mopey. I’m not good at this comforting stuff and I never want to be so mushy again alright? It messes with my image,” he huffed. Roman couldn’t help the smile at that. Virgil was obviously compensating for the vulnerable moment and he could respect that. But his words had calmed so much of his nerves. He nodded in agreement. “I shall do my best. Thank you, my lavender compatriot,” he sighed as he reached out and laid a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “I can’t tell you how much I needed that.” Knowing that he shouldn’t push the physical affection, Virgil probably had his fill of that for the week, he simply squeezed the other side’s shoulder and withdrew his arm. Virgil rolled his eyes playfully. “No problem Princey,” Virgil assured him. “Just leave the doctor dooming to me in the future okay? If you lose your sparkle… Who’s going to make Thomas believe in himself? Not me, that’s for certain. And Logan is a little too frank about odds and the like and Patton… Well, no one really believes it when their dad says they can do something, not if they don’t believe it a little themselves first at least,” he reminded Roman. The prince nodded thoughtfully. “And no one is going to believe anything Janus says. Even if he dressed up as you it wouldn’t last long.” That remark brought back a question Roman has had since Janus revealed himself to Thomas for the first time. “Hey Virge? How well do you know Janus?” Virgil frowned and shrugged. “I used to think I knew all about him. But lately… I don’t know. Why?” “Well, I get most of his schemes now, but there’s one thing I can’t figure out, and I just thought you’d be the best one to ask.” Virgil chuckles. “Just one thing huh?” he teased. Roman rolled his eyes good naturedly, knowing Virgil didn’t really think he was slow witted. In truth they were all just as intelligent as Thomas and their boy was a smart cookie. Most of them were just easily distracted. Well all of them except for Logan and Janus. “Shut up scarecrow,” he huffed in mock annoyance. “Seriously though. Why did he impersonate Logan again? Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume a new role? One he was more familiar with? I mean, if ‘you’ had popped up and gone into a panicked rant about Thomas’ own wellbeing conflicting with Patton’s stance on good or bad. Maybe even throwing in a dramatic realization that you are ‘still bad’ for thinking like that… It probably would have been even more effective than ‘Logan’ laying down the law.” Roman bit his lip at the thought of how that would have broken Patton, the very thought of hurting Virgil like that, especially since their relationship had been a bit rocky as of late. How it would have affected him and Thomas to see Virgil panic. To see how much this whole thing was truly bothering both the edge lord and Thomas himself laid bare before them. Even when Janus revealed himself later, the thought of Virgil truly feeling like that would have been planted. Roman would probably have hurried to Virgil’s room by choice before even confronting Janus to make sure Virgil wasn’t crumbling under the pressure. “I don’t know if it’d be the bombshell you think it is,” Virgil shrugged. Roman wanted to object to that, but he could tell that Virgil was considering his question and gave him time to sort through his thoughts. “I don’t know for sure. Part of me wants to believe it’s for my sake? Out of respect for what’s left of our friendship. Maybe out of hope that there is still something to be salvaged?” he explained, looking off into the distance thoughtfully. “Maybe he just didn’t want to risk pissing me off. He knows what I get like when I’m really mad,” he shrugged dismissively as he got out of bed and stretched himself out. Roman followed his example and let the silence linger for a moment. “What if he does though? What if he tries to talk to you wearing my face? Or to get my guard down by wearing yours?” he whispered. He didn’t want to have to wonder about who he’s really talking to for the rest of his life. Virgil frowned at that for a minute. “How about a signal? To show we are really ourselves or that we need help? That way I can let you know when I’m feeling overwhelmed and you can use it when something someone said is hurting you without having to get everyone all over us,” he suggested. Roman nodded eagerly. Not just happy with the assurance that he’d always be able to spot Janus’ games from now on, but also because the idea of being able to get Virgil’s aid when keeping up a strong face got too hard felt infinitely reassuring. “That sounds excellent… How about we use our witty banter to our advantage?” Virgil nodded in agreement. “When you want to check if I’m me or if I think Janus is in the room at all, make a reference to MCR song titles or band members. When you need my help…” Roman already had an idea for that. “I’ll call you by a title. ‘Sir Surley Jackson’, ‘lord of the sighs’, that kind of stuff. How do I know it’s you?” Virgil grinned mischievously. “I’ll reply with a MCR lyric reference.” Roman gasped in pretend shock as he dramatically laid a hand over his heart. “So this was all a ploy to get me to listen to your Emo music was it?” he demands in an accusatory tone, but the slight smirk on his lips proves that he is indeed not serious. “You know it. If I suspect someone is being impersonated I’ll direct the reference to the possible fake. If the coast is clear entirely I’ll direct it at you.” Roman nodded. It was a rather ingenious system. No one would question why Virgil tried to direct attention away from himself at any given moment. And if Roman ‘took the bait’ and shot out jests at the person in question to trip them up it wouldn’t alarm anyone either. “Alright. How about when you feel overwhelmed you reference a color. Any color.” He didn’t think it would be wise to ask Virgil to get very creative at times like these. He could easily make a jab at his ‘pitch black soul’ or something along those lines even when thinking started to get harder. “Sounds good… If I ever doubt you are you, I’ll reference a Disney villain,” he suggested. “And I’ll shoot back with a reference to one of the songs from the movie in question!” Roman beamed, feeling confident in the system. It was both simple and subtle. The other’s wouldn’t catch on any time soon. “Oh, and if you spot Janus while I’m unaware, just refer to my ego at the first opportunity,” Roman suggested. He was usually the slowest on these things. His fanciful thoughts rarely allowing him to truly remain in the present. “Okay,” Virgil nodded. He patted Roman’s shoulder. “We’ll keep him safe Ro, together,” he assured him before putting his hand back in his lap. “I know we will…” Roman smiled. Struck once again with how much their dynamic had changed over the years he sighs deeply. There is one last thing he needs to say to move forward. To continue with nothing but honesty between them. “Virgil… About the way I treated you back when…” he started, but Virgil put up a hand. “Water under the bridge. I wasn’t the nicest person either. We’ve both moved well past this,” the dark clad side shrugged as he prepared to pop over to his room to freshen up before he had to face the others. He was stopped however by a hand grabbing the back of his shirt. “No, I’m not going to apologize… I mean, I am sorry, but I know that just saying that doesn’t mean a thing…” Roman caught himself spiraling off topic and redirected his focus. Meanwhile Virgil had turned back towards him and was looking at him with curious eyes. Roman hadn’t been prepared for how frightening it would be to have Virgil look at him like that. No edgy make up to mask his true emotions… it nearly made Roman back off. But he couldn’t. His actions moving forward would be the only way he could earn forgiveness, regardless of whether he’d already received it or not, and he wasn’t going to back out of any step forward they could take. “But I wanted to tell you… I blamed myself, back then. I blamed myself for you running away and hating me and not wanting to be around us anymore and taking it out on Thomas…” He gave Virgil a reassuring smile when he saw the younger side tense at that last part. “I know that you didn’t actually intend any harm, but at the time, that’s what the whole title change and everything looked like to me. What I wanted to do was talk to you, apologize and get you to come back. But I was scared. I was scared you’d reject me, I was scared to hear you say that it really was all my fault… It was easier to pretend you were the bad guy. That I didn’t care about you… Just like…” he took a deep breath. This was hard to say, but he had to. He cast his eyes downwards as his shame over his actions slowly overwhelmed him with guilt. “Just like how I pretend I never cared much for Remus rather than missing him because, until now, there was no way he would be allowed back to our side of the conscious. Thomas wanted to forget him, so I had to want that too. Thomas didn’t like feeling scared or anxious, so I had to defend him from your influence. I didn’t hate you, never that. But it was easier to think of you as my opponent than to miss the friend I failed to protect.” It was quite for a few moments. “Ro… I was just as afraid. I wanted to be friends again for ages too, but I was afraid things could never go back to how they were. Or that they would and I’d be unable to protect Thomas right out of fear to mess up again. And I know that Remus missed you too. And he is just as guilty of not reaching out as you are. We all are. Let’s just not make that mistake again alright?” Roman lit up at that. “You’d be okay with it if I asked Remus to come live upstairs again?” he asked hopefully. Virgil straightened himself and nodded firmly. It’s the most confident Roman has ever seen him about anything. It was almost a bit defiant, of who he wasn’t sure. “It’s time to get rid of closed doors,” Virgil stated. That gave Roman pause. “But… Won’t He come up then too?” he whispered as if speaking too loud would evoke the ire of the He in question. Virgil scoffed. “I doubt it. Not unless he feels he is strong enough to take us all in a fight. And Thomas is nowhere near the point where that is an issue,” Virgil shrugged dismissively. And if Virgil wasn’t worried, then Roman knew things would be alright. At least for the foreseeable future. “Alright I’m off… I’ll walk you to breakfast?” Virgil suggested carefully, his whole self assured demeanor falling away and returning him to more of his normal self. Though he was still more vulnerable than usual. Clearly he was still worried for Roman’s mental state or something. The offer made a weight fall of off Roman’s shoulders he didn’t even know was there in the first place. “Okay. I’ll get ready too then,” he nodded as he walked Virgil to the door. Virgil would most likely just teleport to his room, but it was the principle of the gesture. He was not going to be a poor host. Virgil gave him a nod and a two fingered salute before disappearing straight to his room. Roman sighed and then headed to the shower to get ready for the day.

Next up: Together breakfast

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[tarotmundomonde]

3 months general reading, pick a number 1-4

and let me know, if this was of any help to you, if it resonated and if you like this kind of readings.

1. If you chose pile number 1, you got the eight of swords, the sun, the six of cups and the five of swords. And the oracles that came for you are "Change", "Question your beliefs", "Voice of truth", "Manifestation", "Heart Guardian" and if you have any questions, you got "A year from now". You also got the filled chair, mice and dog. First of all, you might feel stuck in your head, because you don't know what to think about a situation or maybe a person. The cards are telling you to quiet the outside voices and noise and to listen to your own voice and intuition. Literally, question your beliefs. Are you believing in and thinking what someone wants you to believe and think or are you true to yourself. Can you tell apart your own voice and opinions. Speak your truth. You might be afraid of getting judged and of what other people think about your ideas and so on, but the universe wants to tell you to have more self-confidence and to not fear to express yourself. You might get surprised by how supported and understood you actually are. There is illumination for you here, and definitely good times. Like good health, happy times, success, being on the sportlight. Relationships of all sort seem to be going well for you as well. Open your heart to give love and to receive love. People care for you and now is going to be a time people will be more inclined to show you that. You'll know who are your true friends. The cards are saying that someone new will enter your life. You have a friend or friends that are standing by your side. So if someone is trying to cause a scene, they won't let it happen. Because there is someone, who will try to cause a bit of problems for you. But like the cards say, stay true to yourself, stand strong and focus on your purpose. Because depending on your situation, now will be a time of manifestation. The "A year from now" could be related to that as well. But you will be manifesting some changes into your life starting now. Perhaps this is something like a dream, something that makes you happy, but maybe someone else feels bitter and is jealous that you are doing great and that you trust yourself and they'll try to bring you down by saying maybe mean things, maybe they talk to you in a condescending tone, etc. You know, they try to discourage you. So don't let self-doubt get the best of you. Now is not the right time for that. Instead, focus on your purpose. It's time for you to manifest your happiness. And also, if you have things you love and dreams, share it with the people who care for you. Spread the love and the good feelings and take that in as well.

2. If you chose pile number 2, you got the 9 of wands, 5 of wands, 7 of swords and the world . And the oracle cards that came for you are "Kindness", "Attend to the simple things", "Expect miracles", "Grieving", "Spring" and if you have any questions, you got "Forgiveness". You also got happiness, the tree and the broken ring. This may happen or might have already happened, but there is a parting of ways in romance, friendship or business. That's why the cards are telling you to acknownledge and accept your feelings, grief and release. It looks like it might have been a long on-going situation. Maybe you tried long to make things work, but the other party didn't. Or maybe for example someone kept stealing your ideas. It could be anything. In general, what's coming through is a need to get re-organized. Re-prioritize. You can't stretch yourself in every direction. Maybe cleaning your house or desk could help you and it could help you in organizing your thoughts, too. Because it's like so much is going on or so much you want to do. It's like a bit of a hazzle. You'll try to find solutions and figure things out, maybe you have a lot of study to do or information to look up. But in the end, you'll be met with success. So don't worry, you'll get to where you want to be. But first you need to relax and breathe. And give things time to grow. Also, another thing coming through is there could be more focus on your family and that there will be happiness, happy times for you. Cherish them. And even when things get tough or something not nice happens, remember kindness, don't lose that, be kind to yourself and to others. Spirit has your back. Sometimes things happen and we don't quite understand why, but it all happens for a reason. So expect something better coming your way. You are protected, you are blessed and pay attention to the signs, some miracles are about happen in your life.

3. If you chose pile number 3, you got the knight of swords, the devil, the page of pentacles and the hermit. And the oracles that came for you are "Teach", "Make the grade with flying colors", "Soul flame", "Spirit guide", "Stag" and if you have any questions, you got "Ask for help from others". You also got the bowl, the fair woman, woman and the dark woman. If you are a student, don't forget to ask when you need help. Whether it's with your homework or with applying for a school you want to go to, whatever it could be. Because it looks like you might be thinking about your future or school or job. Maybe you literally want to be a teacher. But it seems like you might be looking for someone who could give you some sound advice or guidance, when it comes to what you want to do. Maybe you wonder about financial matters, like you'll need lots of books or something. So you could be focusing on your money and how you spend it. Maybe you are asking for advice from someone about that matter. Another message coming through is to watch your spending. On the more spiritual side, remember that life teaches you lessons you are meant to learn. Connect with your spirit guides for guidance. Maybe try some meditation. Or maybe you know someone, who can help you understand better your situation. This really depends on what you are going through. And remember you can be given signs and answers in many different ways, for example through a song. Anyway, the cards are telling you to trust and thrive. If you've had some challenges with some of your relationships, especially with women, now is the time for harmony and healing of those relationships. It's time for rediscovering a lost part of yourself. The focus could be on self-love, loving yourself, accepting yourself the way you are. Through self-love your relationships heal naturally as well. This is also going to be a month of quick decision making but also of cutting the crap out, getting rid of the crap. For example, maybe it's time for you to overcome some kind of bad habit or fears. You know the best what the cards are about for you. But it seems it's time for you to rediscover your inner strengths. You are creative, you are strong, you are protected. It's time for you to reconnect with trust and self-trust. And it could be good for you to practice more excercizing, to move more.

4. If you chose pile number 4, you got the two of wands, page of cups, the star and the queen of pentacles. And the oracles that came for you are "Grounded", "For this you were born", "Humanity and benevolence", "Wellbeing", "Knight" and if you have any questions, you got "The situation will improve". You also got the hammock, elephant and barrel. It looks like you are wondering about your next step. It's going to be important for you to explore your dreams during the next three months. Be honest about your feelings, wishes and dreams. This has to do with the future-self image you have of yourself. Where do you see yourself in a few months, a year or a few year from now. Focus on your wellbeing. What is the path that leads you to feel like you are leading a successful life, that you feel you are where you should be, that you feel at home. Maybe you have two paths ahead of you, two options, and you are here pondering, which one is the right one for you. But the cards say that your heart knows. Your heart will tell you. That's why it's so important for you to be honest with your feelings and to explore them during this time. Envision yourself. Like if you choose one path, envision where it will lead you, what are the possibilities and do the same with the other one. It's important for you to be honest about in which ways you want to grow, what kind of opportunities you are looking for in your life. What kind of achievements you wish to be able to achieve? Things like that. Now is the time to find your path and to start to nourish it. For some, could it be that you feel like your path is something having to do with humanity like being of service to others, for example being a nurse or a doctor or a therapist or even a cook. Any career where you can help people somehow? Other messages coming through is that you need some rest. Try to ground yourself. Maybe you need some vacation or just try to find more alone time, where you can just sip some good tea and ground yourself. It seems like you've been through something, but you are growing wiser from that experience. The cards are reminding you to have faith, to stay calm and to trust in the good in yourself and others. Could it be you are having some trust issues at this time? For some, maybe you are considering changing your job? Because maybe you feel like you are lacking something in your life. But don't worry, you'll find it by being honest with yourself. And maybe this has to do with your relationships as well, but the message is the same. Honesty, be honest with yourself, trust yourself and "stand for what you know to be right and true". When you are true to yourself, you'll also be surrounded by the right people as well. The cards did bring up friendships, so are you perhaps going through something in your friendships regarding trust and opinions? Are you feeling somehow divided, because you think differently than your friends about maybe a certain topic?

[solest]

This will be yet another mental health post, but I won't put it under a cut this time because a) I'm on mobile and don't know how to do it here and b) yes, friends might read this. I will eben tag this and try not to feel guilty for being an attention whore by doing so. This will be longer I guess, so sorry if you have to scroll through because of a).

I thought I would have stagnated. I went to a psychosomatic clinic this summer and felt like it had not helped at all. I tried to put myself out there again and had a good moment and an immediate throwback in more than one ways. But now I'm lying here, crying over videos I see or stories I read about certain mental health things and for the first time I can accept that what I read is applying to me. I knew before, but now I accept.

I have a trauma from school and bullying. It still feels weird to say it, because I always thought that Trauma had to be something big, something life threatening and not a shitty teacher and a bunch of kids you knew since you were 3, who turned on you all of a sudden. I studied social work, took child care and protection classes, but the Traumas that were discussed there were always cases of severe violence, abuse, neglect and so on. No one ever told me that things that don't seem so threatening can stick to you and change how you react for such a long time.

I've been told by three or four therapists by now that what vi experienced was trauma, but only recently therapists were using actual methods for this on me. I've been a lively and adventurous kid until second grade. I had a math teacher who was hysterical, got emotional outbursts, screamed at us and got physical. This was known, my brothers who's six years older had her as well.

I remember her screaming at us, especially me. I've never been a math genius but this woman managed that I developed a solid fear of maths. I clearly remember her pulling my hair in front of the class, because I did not know what 7x7 was. To this day, I forgot simple formulas, my mind goes blank if too much math is involved and I'm slow calculating in my head. I started to emotionally shut down and burst into tears when doing maths homework. I was 7.

When I got into third grade, we had a maths test at the very beginning of the year and I failed it miserably. I remember I was devesrated and I link the beginning of my bullying with it and just remembered why. I got an emotional outburst. I screamed, I cried I felt helpless and lost and it was too extreme a reaction to a failed test for all around me. I now know that it was a stress response to what I had experienced before and what I linked to it. I feared to get my hair pulled again, to be screamed at. But this odd behavior only made the other kids frown on me and trying to make me this upset again., which resulted in me not having friends and not understanding why people I knew since kindergarten and who were perfectly fine with me some months ago could be so cruel.

And just some weeks ago, I saw a video on how trauma comes to be. It isn't the severity, but the surprise that shake our core beliefs. I might have a genetic disposition to anxiety disorders, which might have made it "easier" to be shaken by what happened, but that's not the sole reason it affscted me like it did. Another video stated that trauma is the way we react to what happens. This firstly made me think "Oh, so you're an over dramatic bitch that was so startled by such a thing that you developed a trauma. How pathetic". How dare I think this about myself.

The way I experienced it is valid. It did what it did to me and I can't change that. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I can't go back and tell this my sobbing 7 yo self. I lost all my adventurous attitude. I cried a lot and developed a general anxiety disorder that was only diagnosed when I was 21. I was shamed and frowned upon my overly sensitive and emotional reactions, and as the manifestations of my GAD, mostly extreme nausea. All of this only made me hate myself more and more. People said I'm weird, not normal, mentally disabled and I believed them. I tried to please them all, to just not be alone and laughed at anymore. I'm well aware that there are people with far more severe and terrible stories, but this is mine and I can't change either.

My parents tried best their could, but looking back a proper therapy as a child might have helped me. Instead I wasn't doing good in school, because stress let me break down completely. I had anxiety when doing tests and exams, a high perfectionism I'm still not able to act upon though. My parents had not been the cause for all this and tried to help as best they could, but the damage was done.

And still, parts of this personality I had before the trauma was still there, though I felt like I had to hide it, otherwise people would reject me for who I am. I missed out on much, simply because I did not grève the mental strength to try, fearing my peers would not accept me.

My self esteem is pretty low most of the times still, but somehow I'm now at a point where I can look back on this stuff and say:

"This was messed up. There's nothing you could have done better or to prevent it. The teacher should not have acted like this. Adults should have protected you and take your desperation seriously. The other kids, no matter their own awful experiences were not entitled to treat you like shit. You're réactions are not over the top, they were cries for help. You did not deserve this, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if I could turn back in time, I would come to your aid and kick their arses."

I wasted so much time hating myself. I might not be perfect, no one is, but I'm okay. I'm enough. I don't have to be outstanding at something to be worth it, I already am, by merely existing. I'm worthy of love. I'm worthy of respect. I might have had a lot of help and I might took longer than most around ne, but I accomplished things. Things people like the math Teacher or stupid parents of stupid classmates told me I never will.

I got my high-school diploma. I studied. It took me 6 instead of 3 years for a Bachelor's degree, but I was experiencing flashback anxiety because it reminded me if school and I had to stay at home for one whole year, because I was so deep into anxiety and depression. And I made it.

I'm the first one with an academic degree in my whole family. Despite feeling like shit and thinking I can do nothing, I decided to pull through. The scores I had on papers do not define how professional I am, because I had to write them with severe panic attacks and procrastination problems.

I had long and stable relationships. I learned to drive. I figured I'm Bi, came out and nothing terrible happened. I went to Japan, with my girlfriend at the time for two months, just the two of us. I moved out and lived with another person. I quit a toxic job, because I knew it was toxic. I made friends.

Writing this down does not come easy, but I'm doing it right now. Being able to admit my successes is a huge step. I'm currently experiencing something like a second adolescents, and I think that's because I finally understand that I have to learn what I really am, what I want. I might overcompensate but that's okay. After 13 years of therapy and meds, and a noch most time without much help in this regard I'm allowed to do so.

I will not be loved by everyone and that's okay, because it means I don't have to love everyone in return. People do like me for what I am, even if it's hard to grasp. I'm not too old for things with 33 and I'm allowed to like "childish" stuff and it does not make me less of an adult. I deserve happiness and to cut toxic people out of my life. I will find a new job and it's okay if I feel like I don't know anything, I'm not dumb and I can learn quick.

I'm more than my mental illness, it does not define me completely.

[bardicfool]

36 Things I Have Learned in 36 Years

It’s been a weird day of mental exhaustion and randomly running into things on my hard drive, including this list I made right before I turned 36. And...yeah. Still relevant.

(Caveat: "learned" does not mean "mastered.")

Do no harm but take no shit.

People will tell you chocolate and peanut butter don't go together. They are WRONG.

Boundaries aren't selfish; they're vital. If someone keeps overstepping yours, they don't deserve to be in your life.

Don't wait until "someday" or "when you have more time." If it's important, do it NOW. Even if all you can fit in is 5 minutes a day.

Crying will always suck, but finding the people who make you feel less awful when you do it makes it suck a bit less.

Be into facing your fears.

At least once in your life, go to a country where your race/gender/ethnicity/beliefs/etc. do not match the majority. Be humbled by the fact that the world is so much bigger than you.

Hug trees on a regular basis.

You're not required to forgive everyone for everything. You're not required to only think Happy Thoughts in order to Manifest Your Ideal Life. Emotions aren't "good" or "bad"; they're more complicated than that. They're also all valid, and you need to let yourself experience even the "bad" ones. Try not to dwell on any one emotion too long, though.

People will tell you things like idealism and kindness are "weak" or not "realistic." Those people are jerks. Being "weak" is one of the strongest things you can be. It means life threw massive amounts of shit at you, and you came out of it still seeing the good in things. That takes strength a cynic can only dream of.

Screw high school gym class and everything else in society that tells you you're Not An Athlete. Find an active thing you like (or hate less than the others) and do it. Having muscles is fun.

Don't be afraid to go into the craft store. You don't have to talk to anyone. Just sneak in, grab the yarn, and leave. (Well. Pay for the yarn first.)

Fandom people are some of the most amazing people on the planet.

You are more than your report card. You are more than your score on that test. You are more than your diploma or your degree or whatever else traditional schooling told you you are. Learning is about WAY more than school.

People will try to get you to do or not do things "for your own good." Read the Right Books. Go to the Right College. Get the Right Job. Acknowledge that they're trying to be helpful, then politely ignore them and go do your own thing.

Heal your relationship with money ASAP. You probably grew up learning that money is something to worry about constantly, that rich people are Bad, that poor people are Good, or lots of other stuff that isn't universally true. Read books, go to classes, talk openly about money, get a financial advisor, whatever it takes. This is a long, slow process of unlearning and relearning, and it SUCKS, but it's necessary if you want to have any sort of financial stability or abundance in your life.

Wait for the more expensive, better-tasting mocha. 

Give people gifts for no reason.

Try not to get too caught up in the negativity. There will always be outrage porn. You have more important things to do than waste time on it.

When you're feeling particularly cranky, take a nap. Treat yourself like a small kid because that's what your body is telling you it needs.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Being an introvert isn't a bad thing. It just means you should honor the fact that you'll need time to recharge after dealing with people. Probably more time than other people like. Too bad for them; take care of yourself first. (NOTE: This is extra true if you're highly empathic. When you literally take in the emotions and energies of everyone around you, it's VITAL that you take time away from people as much as you need to.)

Don't be embarrassed about your passions.

You may have goals or priorities that don't make sense to other people. You don't have to change that just because someone else says you should.

USE THE LIBRARY. OFTEN.

That thing that makes you both terrified and excited? DO IT.

If you're wondering whether you overreacted to the way someone treated you—that maybe it's not such a big deal that they repeatedly do things that upset or harm you—it's quite possible that you're being emotionally abused. Other people will feed into the situation by telling you it doesn't exist, that you ARE overreacting, that it's not that bad, etc. They're WRONG. Do what you need to do to get out of the situation.

When someone gives you a compliment, the correct response is "Thank you." Not "Oh, it's nothing, really" or whatever. You did something awesome; own that shit.

Video games are not useless time-wasters; they're brilliant forms of storytelling—and sometimes silly ways to relax or hang with friends. See also: comic books, movies, every other form of media someone has decided somehow isn't as good as something else.

SOME PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES NEED MEDICATION IN ORDER TO STAY ALIVE. DEAL WITH IT. (You can still do yoga and meditate if you’d like.)

Don't assume something is impossible until you've done your research to confirm it is.

Be prepared to ask the people you love for advice. Also be prepared to tell them you're sharing but don't want/need advice at this time. They may not get it right away, so gently remind them if you have to.

Comedians are sometimes more truthful than "impartial" news or experts. Tricksters see things the way they actually are and aren't afraid to laugh at it.

When all else fails, sing loudly.

Pay attention to the people in your life who remember the little things--your food restrictions, your current projects, the stuff you're struggling with, the stuff you're excited about. Spend more time with those people.

Tell yourself a story every night before you go to bed.

Your turn! What have you been learning lately? Or, y'know, in the last 36 years?

[wokasho]

                                                       PTSD  

According to the National Institute of Mental health, PTSD is a “ disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.” and symptoms can begin within three months after the traumatic incident. In Sakura’s case, the intense stress caused by the war combined with Sasuke’s genjutsu triggered it, the latter being decisive in her mental breakdown. In said genjutsu, Sakura was forced to experience being killed by Sasuke, not knowing it was unreal, and thus both her mind and body took that experience as reality. During the hours she was under the genjutsu, her body and mind were under extreme stress, for she felt the pain and everything that his illusion created, by all accounts she truly experienced being torn by Sasuke’s chidori, going so far as to remember in details the pain and everything she thought and felt during it.

Sakura’s symptoms began three weeks after the end of the war, the first to manifest were the night terrors. They always revolved around the genjutsu and Sasuke somehow killing her (sometimes she also dreamed about the other times he attempted to kill her). During these episodes Sakura woke up feeling chest pain, trembling and sweating. She sometimes had trouble breathing when she experienced a particularly bad flashback. Due to these night terrors she was sleep deprived, edgy and forgetful. Sakura had trouble remembering recent events and small things like where she had put her keys or who she had seen on the street. However, since misery hardly ever walks alone, Sakura began having hallucinations as well, moments in which she would be on the street and imagine Sasuke looking at her, his rinnegan shining with an odd light. Those episodes were far and in between, however, because of them she was constantly on high alert, body tense and ready to flee or fight at any given moment. She henceforth started avoiding crowds and events in which she knew there would be unfamiliar people. Sakura also refused to sit with her back to a window or a door, she had to be able to see her surroundings and prevent anyone from coming to her without her noticing. The fear of hallucinating again was so great that for some time Sakura was constantly thinking about what she would do if such a thing happened again, and how she could convince herself that he was not the real Sasuke. This situation caused her anxiety to increase tenfold, which consequently made her spend more time fearing the hallucinations than actually having them. The kunoichi tried to study and learn more about it, however, when she thought she saw him -or saw something that reminded her of the genjutsu- she would have a mild panic attack; her symptoms included: heart racing, sweat, trouble breathing and chest pain -a fantom pain reminiscent of the one she felt when he pierced her heart with the chidori-.

Due to her mental instability, Sakura had to forgo her position at the hospital in order to seek treatment. This decision was mostly imposed by Tsunade, who helped her see that she could not continue the way she was. Leaving the hospital made Sakura feel once again like the weak useless girl she thought she had been, which only further pushed her mind into darkness. Sakura lost weight and had bags under her eyes that she hid with some chakra tricks, but it was obvious she was spiraling into her own mind. Her behavior also changed, she became distant and closed off, tended to have anger outbursts when someone pushed her buttons or be depressed seemingly “out of nowhere”. 

HALLUCINATIONS

Sakura’s hallucinations always began with the feeling of being watched, she would feel as if something cold was sliding down her spine and slowly pushing the air from her lungs. Sasuke’s figure appeared at the corner of her eyes, but when she looked he was gone. Anxiety rising, Sakura would look around and once again catch a glimpse of him smirking, sharingan and rinnegan shining as he tilted his head ever so slightly, his hand stretching out to touch her. At this point she would feel a strong pang in her chest, and even if she turned and tried to run away he would appear right in front of her, his hand either reaching for her throat or going through her chest. Such visions usually just happened when she was on the streets or in other public places, which resulted in her running from them and later on avoiding social events altogether.

TREATMENT

Sakura began her treatment four months after the symptoms began, at first she refused to look for help for fear of being seen as weak and also because she believed she could handle it herself, considering her condition not as important as other people’s who experienced traumatic events during the war. However, when it became clear her condition was only worsening, Sakura -partly forced by Tsunade and her friends- looked for help and began her treatment with medication and psychotherapy. At first it was hard, and sometimes she even feared that it was not working, however, she gradually saw improvement in her condition. Although very slowly, she could feel herself becoming stronger -both psychologically and physically- which gave her strength to continue her treatment and fight to control her mind once again.

Throughout her treatment she had many ups and downs, but she was able to return to her position at the hospital about a year after she began her treatment, however, she was under Shizune’s supervision for six months before she was allowed to return to her duties normally.

EFFECTS

No one experiences such trauma without scars, and it is no different with Sakura. Although cured from her PTSD she developed chronic anxiety, which sometimes manifest itself in stressful times. In those periods, Sakura tends to have nightmares and might even experience panic attacks, although they are mild in comparison to the ones she used to have. In addition to her nightmares involving Sasuke, Sakura began dreaming about Naruto’s death after they started a relationship. Many times she woke up after a nightmare in which his heart stopped beating, in those nights, she would curl against his side and lay her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat to reassure herself that he was right there with her.

Disclaimer: I am by no means a psychiatrist, this headcanon is based on articles about PTSD (there is a link in the first line and more in my credits page) and my own experience with panic disorder and depression. Although I worked for it to be as accurate as possible, it was made to fit a fictional character in a fictional world, and therefore should not be taken as medically correct.

[devilrising]

Fallen Draco, Pt. 9

This story follows a prompt written by @mymindsmadness

Summary: AU where Draco is a fallen angel, and the way he gets his wings back is by guiding Harry in defeating Voldemort, but it all goes wrong when Draco starts falling in love with Harry.

Word Count (Part 9): 2,750

Word Count (Total): 27,849

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Mentions of abuse/torture (non-graphic)

***

16th April, 1998 (continued)

Granger, it seems, was expecting our call. How, I have no idea. Something about a ‘pattern’. Regardless, her face is filling the fireplace in the drawing room. The flame flickers off the walls, giving the room a cosy yet urgent feeling.

“Tell me exactly when it started this time.” Granger cuts to the chase immediately. There is no other reason we would Floo her at this hour.

Swallowing heavily and feeling my throat contract slightly, I answer. “Only about an hour ago, I think. It woke me up.” I sneak a glance at Harry and find him already looking my way and nodding thoughtfully.

“Yes, woke me up too,” he jokes. I scowl at him before allowing myself to smile at the glint in his eye.

We turn back to the fireplace at the same time, and I catch Granger looking temporarily disbelieving. With a roll of her eyes the expression is gone, and she is back to business. “Look guys. Could I come through? I feel like it would be easier,” she pointedly explains. Harry rushes to accept and let’s her into the house, ignoring her comment. She swiftly sits down in one of the vacant arm chairs, pulling out a notepad and muggle quill from who-knows-where. A look is sent to Harry, and I follow her gaze. He hurries to turn from my view, but I see a spot of red on his cheeks. I don’t know why, but it makes me slightly dizzy.

“Okay. Wow, can I?” Granger asks. I’m confused for a second, before I realise what she means.

“Uh, I guess so.” She nods, seemingly understanding that I’m hesitant. Her hand reaches across to me, and I twist so my back is facing her. It tickles. My feathers move as she brushes her hand over them, inspecting the condition and colour. I feel it move away, I hear her muggle quill scratch over a page as she makes notes, and then it’s back again. My mind wanders as the action is repeated, drifting to Harry. When he did this, he was gentle. He made sure not to put me in any discomfort, and made me feel better about the poor excuse that is the feathers. It made me happy, sated in a strange way, with butterflies in my stomach.

“Why?”

“Sorry?” The question came out of nowhere, and I worry that she has somehow read my thoughts.

“Why have the feathers manifested?” Granger elaborates, realising that the question was random.

“I don’t know. I haven’t put much thought to it,” I reply, silently cursing myself. Of course she can’t read my mind.

“I have.” My eyebrows furrow, and I turn to Harry. I forgot he was still in the room, as he usually moves away and does some things down stairs. But now, he is sitting very close to me on the leather sofa. So close even, that if I moved my leg over slightly, we would be touching. Trying to push away the heat rising to my face, I fix him a curious and intrigued glance. “I think you’re conversation a couple of days ago triggered the change.”

Granger makes a noise like the sound is caught in her throat, nodding mercilessly. “I think that’s right you know.”

“I’m lost,” I confess. I haven’t had to really think about something like this in ages, not since I was forced from Hogwarts.

Harry shifts on the leather sofa, tucking his legs under him to face me without hitting my face. I miss the warmth of his leg nearly touching mine, the feeling of being so close I could kiss him. Trying to clear my head without moving it proves to be a challenge, so I’m still thinking of him when he starts talking again.

“If you think about it, the skeleton of your wings only appeared after you reached out for my help. After you agreed to hide here with me, and allowed me to look after your mother and you. And now you have helped substantially more. You have given us all of the information you know, even the difficult parts.”

Granger nods along with all of it and turns to face me now. “It would make sense that you are, as Harry here likes to say, ‘rising’ whenever you help us. You fell due to the dark magic around you and the wrong choices you made, so what if you are recovering because of the opposite? Because you are helping us win the war instead of causing it?”

I’m shocked. But of course that makes sense. I don’t know how I didn’t see it earlier. “Okay, but one thing is bothering me…” I say. With both people telling me to continue, I explain my confusion. “I just don’t understand why asking for Harry’s help would so drastically shift my condition. When I reached out I grew a skeleton, when I told you everything I know I grew feathers? That just doesn’t seem to add up.”

Harry hums in thought and shuffles his position around. I’m acutely aware of the arm he has thrown over the back of the sofa, his hand nearly touching my shoulder. Granger meanwhile, is jotting down more notes and trying to figure out how to say something.

“I think it might be due in part to the strength required for each step,” she says slowly. “Maybe because of how dangerous it was for you to reach out, it counted as more? There wasn’t much risk in feeding us information, aside from your own mental health. We weren’t going to place you in any dangerous situation, especially now.” She concludes her thoughts looking at Harry, a knowing glint in her eye. What she knows though, I have no idea.

“That could make sense,” I murmur. Harry rushes to agree, shooting a glare Granger’s way as she writes more dot points down.

“Have you thought about what I brought up last time I contacted you, Malfoy?”

My fist presses lightly against my lips, my head tilting off to the side. “You mean…?”

“Yes. Have you thought of anyone that could fit that description?”

I forgot all about her theory. But I can’t tell her that. “Not quite,” I carefully confess. “There is too much criteria to match perfectly.” It's not exactly a lie, it’s a long list.

Granger nods, releasing a slow breath. “I think I’ve found someone,” she whispers.

“Who?” I ask just as quietly. Whoever it is, she isn’t happy about it.

“Harry…”

***

A couple hours later and it’s a decent time of morning. I tried to go back to sleep, but my mind was whirring too fast, trying to process everything, that I couldn’t rest. Not only had I been awoken by my back splitting open again, Granger had then announced that Harry would be the perfect person. I had then had to listen to her explain what that meant for him, and watch as his face drained of colour. He is still mad about it with the sun high in the sky, pacing through the drawing room. We haven’t left yet.

“What does it even mean Draco?” He sounds like a petulant child, and I laugh softly to myself. I sober up enough to explain the situation for the hundredth time.

“It means that you will be shrunk, and guided into my old bedroom. If you can get past the wards, that is, which you somehow managed when you rescued me.”

“It was like there weren’t any wards, I wasn’t affected at all.”

“Hence why you’re the best option.”

“I hate the idea, Draco. How would I even know where to go, or what to do?”

I sigh, “I’ve already told you that I’d instruct you!”

It’s Harry’s turn to sigh now. “I know, I know you have. I’m sorry. I’m just, worried. What if something goes wrong?”

“Nothing, will go wrong,” I assure him. “We both agreed that they were probably long gone by now.”

“But what if they aren’t?”

“Then I’ll be able to know.” Harry fixes me with a confused glance, and I remember that I haven’t told him yet.

“You know the crest burned into my back?” I ask him.

“Yeah…?” He replies carefully.

“It warms up whenever I’m in the same area as my father. If we layered a charm onto it that read the temperature, we could see it rising before I could even feel it. If that was the case, we would leave immediately.”

“Well that’s, useful? I think?”

I allow myself to chuckle at the kind-of-adorable expression on his face. Merlin, kind-of-adorable? What am I even thinking? “Very useful,” I agree. “If we are going to do this, it’ll be a good idea to memorise the Manor’s layout just in case. Here.” I pass him a copy of Granger’s sketch.

“How did you get this? Did you draw this?”

“No,” I laugh. “Granger drew it.”

“Makes sense.” Harry pauses for a second, thoughtful.

The room drifts into silence, neither comfortable or awkward. We’ve never really let this happen, and I don’t know how to deal with it. Should I say something? Or would he read into it? Pinching the bridge of my nose, I make an effort to force my thoughts away, to something else. It’s a futile attempt, as it only makes me think about why I don’t want to think about it. What does draw my attention though, is a dip in the sofa next to me. I look up and see Harry sitting there, so close to me I can see streaks of deeper green through his eyes. I’m captivated, before remembering where we are and what we are doing. I can’t allow something as small as my emotions get in the way of helping stop my father and the Dark Lord. But he is so close, and he smells like green apples.

His hands reach across the small distance for me, and he gently grabs my hand. My pulse is hammering in my neck, my heart pounding. What is he doing? Why is he doing it?

“Har-”

“Shh,” he whispers. His tongue reaches out to wet his lips, and my mouth parts slightly. Is he going to kiss me? His other hand travels up to my face, cupping my cheek. The skin is warm and calloused on my skin, a sure reminder of exactly how real he is. And exactly who he is. I wrench myself away from his grip, immediately missing the lack of his warmth on me.

“We can’t…” Standing up, I turn my back and flee the drawing room.

***

17th April, 1998

I can’t stop thinking about him. Harry is filling my every thought. Even sleeping couldn’t remove him from my mind. My dreams were filled with him. With his green eyes blown wide and black. With his hands on me, warm and sure. With my reaction, running from him when all I wanted was to smash my lips to his. But I couldn’t. That would’ve been the wrong choice. We can’t allow our emotions or desires to rule us while trying to win a war. I don’t even understand my attraction to him, or what it is I want from him. But I am sure that it’s not a hookup, which is what it looked like he wanted. I guess that’s why I ran. I couldn’t bear to wake up next to him and go back to what we were before. So instead I gave myself nothing. Because what else could he want? Not me, that’s for sure.

My bed is an anchor, solid yet soft below me. With my thoughts racing and my anger rising, I need something to calm me down. I sit bolt upright and cross my room to the desk. The map of my thoughts is still sitting there, and I can't help but think of how much it’s changed in barely less than two weeks. For a start, it reads ‘Potter’ and not ‘Harry’. I knew so much less about everything just twelve days ago. Ripping off a new sheet of parchment, I grab a quill and some ink and start on a new one. Once again I start by scrawling my name in the centre and drawing a circle around it. From there, I draw four lines off it. The top one says ‘Malfoy Manor’, the right one reads ‘Fallen/Rising Angel’, the left one reads ‘Mother’, and the bottom one says ‘Harry’. I circle all of them and start jotting down notes on the things I know and how I feel.

Malfoy Manor

+ Can I get through the wards?

+ Can someone shrink & go through the vents into my bedroom? - Harry?

+ Is it vacated?

+ How could Harry get in through the wards?

Fallen/Rising Angel

+ Skeleton and scarce, light brown feathers

+ Excruciating pain every progression

+ Progression caused by helping Harry and with the war

Mother

+ Gravely ill

+ Skin going pale, grey hair

+ Is it rapid aging? - Her skin is not purple - Granger’s information

+ Thick blood - Bleeding time 52 seconds, not 9 minutes - Granger’s information

+ Cursed something blocked airways - Harry Vanished - From my father?

When I get to ‘Harry’, I pause. What if he finds this? What if he reads it and figures out exactly what I’m feeling about him? I don’t know if I could be him to know. But I need to write something down… Deciding to place the parchment under various disillusionment charms, I note down things under his name.

Harry

+ I’m definitely attracted to him

+ He tried to kiss me?! - Probably just for a hookup

+ We are now on a first name basis?

+ He makes us be fake boyfriends in public - To ‘stand out less’

+ How can I feel this way in such a short time? - What about our different beliefs?

I feel slightly better after writing my thoughts out. It makes everything seem less daunting, and more stupid than anything. I’m in the middle of a war, and all I’m thinking about is my feelings! Starting out of my trance for seemingly no reason, I realise that I should add another branch. I draw a wonky line between ‘Malfoy Manor’ and ‘Fallen/Rising Angel’. I write ‘Granger’ and trace a circle around it. With all of the help she has given me, it’s only right that she receives a section too.

Granger

+ She sends knowing glances to Harry? - Usually after something he says about me?

+ She is helping Mother and I - Why?

+ She writes lots of notes

+ What exactly is she doing beside helping us? - What’s her task in the war?

Humming to myself, I think over everything I’ve written again. Satisfied, I begin putting away my quill and ink. Then, with a gentle swoop of my wand, the page is transfigured into one of my drawings. I then mask it under a very strong invisibility charm. There is no way Harry will find it without my input, and he will never get that.

“Draco?!” Its Harry, calling me from downstairs. “Do you want to leave the house for a while? I’m going to The Burrow.”

Just where I want to go. Rolling my eyes I call back, “Is that really the best idea?”

“You will be under your Glamours, and we will Apparate right there. No one will see you.”

“That’s not what I me- Never mind. I guess so,” I shout back. Harry isn’t stupid. Surely he knows that I’m worried about the Weasleys’ reactions. But then again, he doesn’t know I like him. And if I didn't like him, I wouldn’t care what they think, I’d just ignore them. Which then makes sense that I’d be concerned about being in a dangerous situation. Merlin, everything regarding Harry and I is so confusing and complicated.

Crossing my room, I scan my eyes over it quickly, making sure that there is nothing I wouldn’t want found in plain sight. Pleased with my ability to hide things, I allow myself to smile as I shut the door behind me.

“Where are you?” I call out to Harry.

“Kitchen!”

I turn to go down the stairs, but the door next to mine catches my attention. It is slightly ajar. My mother’s door is open. Dread and terror alike fill me. She is gravely ill, there’s no way she could open it. I haven’t been in since breakfast, and Harry normally tells me when he goes in. And we always shut it properly. Meaning someone else has opened it.

***

A/N: Thank you so much for reading this part! If you want to be tagged please tell me. Xx

Masterlist — Previous Part — Next Part

@draconianhorntail @megggg12 @edgy-things @queeneyart @ohheavenlylord @h0pehauntedmyw0rld @unsolicted-chick-picks @itsclayclay @harrybpoetry @slash-slut @jianing2603 @magical-fairy-princess-stuff @hello-i-am-moi @slytherclaw134689 @sinnysin-sin @tony-stark-prorection-squad @rebelwolf91017 @irrelevantdrarry @glo-up-goddess @birdy1032 @d-addict @pizzasandwich72 @madison-is-a-small-baby @joshoriande @sugarhoneyice-t @imaginemymemories @shipperofalltheships @uniiicornen @thewanderingnomadsworld @randominternetloser @levi7755 @localxmermaid @biyaaaaaaaaaa @just-some-bibliophile @uniquehorn167 @champagnejasmine

[emi-vance-blog]

my goodness, is EMMELINE VANCE back? it’s been a few years since the half-blood has been around the castle, but i’d recognize her anywhere. rumor has it the seventh year spent the past few years aligned with the ORDER. they’re still DETERMINED & RESILIENT and JUDGMENTAL & DISTRUSTFUL, though. and the gryffindor still reminds me of bruised knuckles, a cool breeze, sweets melting in your mouth. well, then, i guess some things never change. 

tw: abuse, tw: alocholism, tw: sexual assault (I was kinda vague about it but it's there)

NAME: Emmeline Kaira Vance

NICKNAME: Emi

AGE: 20/21

DATE OF BIRTH: 28th November 1959

SEXUALITY: Demisexual

PARENTS: Elizabeth Vance [muggle, deceased]  & Rohit Khan [pureblood, absent]

SIBLINGS: 5 half siblings, all older. Oldest half-brother Sai Khan.

HOUSE: Gryffindor

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single

HOMETOWN: London

ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Good

PERSONALITY: ENTJ

PATRONUS: Unicorn

Overall, Unicorns are kind of giving by nature and have the capacity to venture far beyond their peers to reach places that others would find impossible.  This is the greatest strength of the Unicorn.  Their adventurous nature refuses to see limitations.  They are always moving toward the next great idea and they almost always take the road less traveled to get there.  Their seemingly endless energy can be infectious, and when they take on a challenge, they are as passionate as ever… for a while.  While they truly care about the challenges they take up (and they do so often), Unicorns are quick to give up on something if they don’t see the end result fast enough for their liking.  That’s not to say that they don’t care, they just lose focus on one project and would prefer to spend their exceptional capabilities on something else for the moment. The life of a Unicorn is about the experience, not the big plan. At best they use their energy to change the world.  At worst, they become self-obsessed and spin their wheels in all the wrong directions.  They never lack ideas, and are always on the move.  If the Unicorn can get focused on a single destination, there is practically nothing that can stop them from getting there.

BOGGART: her friends being dead / held under the cruciatus

WAND: Ebony with dragon heartstring core, 10 inches, inflexible.

Ebony - This jet-black wand wood has an impressive appearance and reputation, being highly suited to all manner of combative magic, and to Transfiguration. Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves. Frequently non-conformist, highly individual or comfortable with the status of outsider, ebony wand owners have been found both among the ranks of light and dark revolutionaries alike. The ebony wand’s perfect match is one who will hold fast to his or her beliefs, no matter what the external pressure, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose.

Dragon Heartstring - As a rule, dragon heartstrings produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. Dragon wands tend to learn more quickly than other types. While they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner.The dragon wand tends to be easiest to turn to the Dark Arts, though it will not incline that way of its own accord. It is also the most prone of the three cores to accidents, being somewhat temperamental.

BIO aka the multi-chaptered international life story that literally no one asked for (TLDR AT THE END):

Prejudice is something that Emi is familiar with, something that has followed her from the day she was born. She was an accidental pregnancy, the result of a one-night stand between muggle tourist Elizabeth Vance and pureblood heir, Rohit Khan. Her paternal grandparents were furious when news of her conception got out, and banned Rohit from having any connection with his illegitimate child other than providing the woman with monthly payments to keep her silence. The family was big in both muggle and magical circles, and it would not do to have such a shameful secret exposed - especially since Rohit already had a family, and his eldest son Sai was already fifteen years old. Sai's mother was in favour of having the infant killed, but her husband forbid it, of the opinion that his son should learn to manage his own mistakes. And murder of an infant would make for even more unseemly gossip, if word was somehow to get out.

Emi spent the first six years of her life in England with her mother. She was bold and determined, getting into fights with bullies who tried to tell her to "go back where she came from" and running circles around her peers academically. For all her intelligence, she failed to understand how to make friends her own age, and would often be found trailing along after the older kids who found her amusing.  Her life wasn't easy, but Emi hadn't known anything else. This was just how life was, or so she thought.

The first step to change was her first act of accidental magic. It was Christmas, and all the occupants of the building had thrown a big party on the rooftop. Everyone was drunk - this included one of her neighbours, who wanted to touch in her ways she didn't like or understand. He went flying across the rooftop, out from the secluded corner he had lured her to and slammed his head on a metal pole. Nobody realised what had happened or who was responsible, and the incident was written off  as a drunk man's careless shenanigans. Emi didn't say anything, but she didn't forget either. It took her years to trust someone to touch her and sometimes, when she recoils from the idea of intimacy, she wonders if this incident is the reason for it all. 

The minute her magic manifested, Emi's name was automatically added to the Khan's family tree tapestry. Her grandfather insisted that Rohit retrieve the girl and bring her back to India, and her grandmother was furious. But her grandfather's word was law in the family, and so after a tearful goodbye, Emi left behind her old life and moved to Bombay. There was nothing she really felt tied her to England, and she was more than happy to get as far away from her neighbour as possible.

From the very first moment in the large, ancestral home the extended family lived in, Emi was an outcast. She was an illegitimate child, and a half-blood to boot. The culture seemed to her barbaric and backwards, and she fought back at every opportunity. She wouldn't wear the itchy dresses, she wouldn't address her younger cousins and second cousins with honorifics, she wouldn't stay silent when members of the household pulled mean trick after trick. She missed England terribly - she missed the organised traffic, the cool rain, her mother singing her lullabies before bed. The requests she made to go home seemed to fall on deaf ears, and four years passed.

In those four years, Emi discovered an unexpected ally - her eldest half-brother, Sai. In his early twenties, and expected to carry on the Khan legacy, Sai wanted nothing more than to escape from his family's overbearing influence. He didn't believe in his family's ideologies, and definitely didn't believe in the bullying of a child - and he told his mother as much, after discovering Emi in the kitchens one day, scrubbing pots with a bruise on her left cheek. He started to look out for her - bringing her sweets, helping her with the homework the tutors gave her, buying her the comfortable cotton clothing she sorely missed. In return, Emi slowly opened up, telling him stories of her time with her mother and all the things that she was still so homesick for. Hearing these stories gave Sai an idea, and he slowly hatched a plan.

At his twenty-fifth birthday party, the day he was supposed to accept his title as heir and step up to the responsibilities of his family, Sai instead made an announcement about the new job he had managed to land - the Indian Ambassador at the British Ministry of Magic. He would be moving to London, and taking Emi with him.

The backlash was loud, intense, and furious. It was practically a riot. It wasn't that the job was bad - it was reputable, even to the standards Rohit might hold his other sons up to. But not the heir. And to take his half-sister under his wing , to knowingly associate with a half-blood was an even bigger taboo. But Sai would not be swayed - he had come too far to back down - and a few days later he and Emi found themselves in Diagon Alley.

Tracking down her mother was relatively easy, but the reunion was bittersweet. In the time that Emi had been in Bombay, her mother had picked up an abusive boyfriend and an alcohol problem. With Sai's help, Emi managed to get rid of the former, but it seemed that the latter was there to say.

 When her Hogwarts letter came, she was wary and reluctant. She didn't want to leave her mother again, as much as it tore at her to see the formally affectionate woman constantly slurring her words and reeking of wine. So far, the magical world hadn't been any nicer to her than the muggle one, and Emi would much rather face the enemies she did know rather than the ones she did not.

The visit from Professor McGonagall won her over, and in the fall of 1971, she set off to Hogwarts and was sorted into Gryffindor. She was still wary, and initially cold to her peers, but she opened up, little by little. She spent the years enjoying her childhood, laughing with her friends, gossiping with them, sneaking late night snacks, cramming essays. She loved having the power, the magic that came out of her wand, and she was a devoted student. She especially focused on combative magic - never again would she let anyone try to take advantage of her - and excelled at DADA. The clouds slowly gathering over her teenage years came in the form of blood prejudice (really, she was quite used to this by now - it was more annoying than hurtful), her lack of understanding at her peers' romantic/sexual inclinations and her mother's deteriorating health. Elizabeth Vance's addiction to alcohol was only getting more severe by the year, and in Emi's sixth year, she passed away after falling over while drunk and bleeding out. Emi couldn't forgive herself for the incident - if only she had been at home, not at Hogwarts, she could have stopped this. She could have helped her mother beat her alcoholism, and she could have saved her life. At the same time, the annoying pureblood ideology was starting to become more dangerous, and Sai was growing worried.

On September 1st, 1976, Emi hugged her brother goodbye, and stepped onto the Hogwarts Express. It was becoming risky to stay in Magical Britain, and Sai had decided to move back to Bombay. He wanted Emi to come join him after finishing her final year - she wasn't fully sold on the idea, but that was okay. She had time to decide, after all.

Until she didn't.

The betrothal letter came two days before the end of the Christmas holidays. It made no sense - she was a half-blood, she was supposed to be unwanted - but after hearing Sai sing her praises, her father and grandmother had apparently decided that she was worthy of being married off.  The wedding was to a wealthy Indian muggleborn, who had risen in society by making a fortune but still lacked the reputable family connections. The letter caught fire in her hand, and Emi spent the rest of the day sulking.  Was there ever going to be something she didn't have to fight?

The attack left Emi stranded. She had no home, no family in the country - nowhere to go other than back to Bombay. Where she refused to be, because she wasn't a piece of meat who would willingly be sold off like her older sisters and cousins. She would not.

With no magical qualifications, and little other choice, Emi stayed with a friend in London, and picked up a couple of part-time muggle jobs. It was enough to survive, and if she could have turned her back on the wizarding world she might have even considered college and restarting her life. But the wizarding world was were all her friends were, and there was no way she could walk away while the people she loved suffered. She joined the order and did what she always did best - she fought.

When the time came for her to reply to the betrothal and return to Bombay Emi did the only thing she could - she lied, putting into motion the plan she had first come up with when she was seven year olds watching her cousin sit on the wedding podium wearing ten pounds of gold and red-rimmed eyes. She recruited a friend to pose as a fake boyfriend, using him as the reason she would stay in London and not get married. She was almost disappointed with the lack of drama that followed - Rohit simply switched the betrothal to another distant cousin whose father had displeased him, and Sai merely warned her to stay safe in the war. An escape plan cultivated over years for, what, exactly?

The re-opening of Hogwarts filled Emi with hope and fear. Hope, because it felt like the world might be on the road to recovery and a qualification would allow her to get a job. Hopefully one that didn't involve dealing with grumpy customers. Fear, because it was not just her and her friends returning to Hogwarts - it was also the purebloods that sneered at her and secretly wished she would die. Perhaps some that were actively working towards that goal. It might be school, but it was also a battlefield and Emi knows she needs to stay alert at all times. But the nostalgia and memories of happier times have only made her realise how tired she is of all the constant fighting. Was there ever going to be a time where she didn't need to fight?

TLDR; half-blood, has spent her entire life fighting one thing or another, no remaining family in England, doesn't trust anybody but the friends she grew up with, talented duellist

[astrolovecosmos]

Natal Saturn Square Aspects

Saturn Square Uranus: Tradition and non-tradition are clashing here. This person likely has trouble with authority, can have odd views on laws or humanity, can be rebellious, could hate change, has inner conflict with freedom vs. stability, conformity vs. nonconformity torture them.

Saturn Square Neptune: Saturn could be blocking one's spiritual side or their sense of belonging to a generation. They can be torn between practicality and impracticality. Their view of reality can be very turbulent, swinging from pessimism and realism to escapism and idealistic.

Saturn Square Pluto: There can be some disconnect or blockage to relating to the events/happenings of a generation. This aspect can make someone a survivor and persistent. They can have serious control issues, become power hungry, and easily get stuck in ruts. There is a lot of toughness but also heaviness to this aspect. Serious and challenging Saturn is squaring off with intense, deep, and dark Pluto.

Saturn Square Ascendant: A lot of seriousness, rigidness, and pragmatism is blocking the Ascendant. A lack of cooperation, fear of others challenging or opposing them, self-alienation, fear of rejection, feeling like they're hard to love or like, and blockage to the Rising’s expression can happen here.

Saturn Square Midheaven: Resists getting close to coworkers, is rigid or cool in networking, creative and emotional expression can be blocked, stays professional and controlled but there are challenges to meaningful experiences/connections in the direction of their Midheaven.

Saturn Square North Node: They box themselves in by creating laws, responsibilities, boundaries, and blockages from growth. They essentially create their own troubles or bad luck with a narrow-minded view of healing or growing. They give themselves burdens.

Saturn Square Chiron: How they should heal and find strength goes against what authority figures have taught them or against any authority in their lives. They can feel hopeless, fearful, or highly negative towards their healing process. Wounds can manifest in control issues, self-authority, and authority figures.

Saturn Square Ceres: They can feel overly burdened by taking care of others. This can also indicate a huge lack of nurturing when growing up. There was coldness and judgment instead of encouragement. Their Ceres could be buried by Saturn, making them less nurturing overall.

Saturn Square Pallas: Can make someone very devoted and serious to their talents and skills but also overly pragmatic and rigid with them. A skill that is not deemed as highly worthy by society, may get ignored by them. Some talents could also be blocked.

Saturn Square Vesta: Traditions and society could hinder their mental and emotional health somehow. OR they look to society and traditions for help in self care.

Saturn Square Juno: Responsibility, authority, society, or one's own expectations/boundaries get in the way of marriage or get in the way of finding their soul mate. This could indicate a parent who disproves of a spouse, unconventional roles or marriage, and many other things.

Saturn Square Lilith: Lilith brings chaos to stability and traditions. The traits of Lilith could indicate one's downfall in terms of responsibility, career, reputation, or view/place in society. Saturn can also block out chances of sexual empowerment or reflection of Lilith.

[adapembroke]

Hello Bea! If you have the time, I would like a reading, please. I’ve been doing a lot of spiritual self-work and am starting to unlock a lot of power inside myself.... a LOT of power. My question is: what’s going on for me right now? I’m not sure what’s up with this or what it’s to be used for. I would also like Gotan’s input, please. Thank you very much! 🌹✨

After comparing notes on our readings, Gotan and I decided that we’re starting to get an angel on one shoulder and devil on the other thing going on. Which is which…well…

Gotan says: 

The cards definitely confirm your experience. They show that you’re in a period of self care and introspection. This process has opened up a very strong power from deep within. 

I think that this is the power that we all have inside of us that only comes out in the most extreme circumstances. That strength that we didn’t know we had. Such as if you’re trapped in a burning house but you grab your baby and run through the flames and the asphyxiating smoke and somehow, through some superhuman strength, you manage to escape. 

Or such as when you’re watching the school play, and it’s absolutely horrid. Just terrible, terrible “acting” and flubbed lines and missed cues. It just makes you want to claw your eyes out. Now you know what John McCain went through. But somehow you make it to the end of the play, because you know your kid will be upset if he finds out that you ran outside, screaming in agony after the first five minutes. 

That kind of strength. You’ve tapped into it, and it didn’t take a fire or the school play to do it.

You’re onto something very special here. Most people only tap into this once or twice in their life. It goes away as fast as it appears. You have found where it hides. You can access it when you want to.

Be very careful. We don’t really know what it’s capable of. The cards are telling me that this has a LOT of potential for abuse. It is an extremely corrupting power. The power itself is neutral, but the flaws and foibles of human nature will make it extremely easy for you to succumb to the seductiveness of the power.

You can use this power safely. When you do use it, it is imperative that you do so without emotion. Negative emotions, obviously, will draw you down the black hole toward a black soul, but so will positive emotions. Be wary of using this power under the influence of positive feelings! Positive emotions can cloud judgment as easily as negative emotions do.

Finally, the cards recommend that you find a mentor or somebody more experienced in using this power, to help you learn to use it safely. I’m not sure who that would be. I suspect it will be easy for you to recognize other people who can also tap into this power at will. Find someone you respect and can trust.

Should you choose not to follow my advice, and as a result you become an autocratic dictator of a third-world country, or the CEO of Exxon, or Vladimir Putin’s hand-picked successor, please don’t crush me!

Bea says:

I consulted the runes on this one. What I’m reading is that the power you’re tapping into is a natural result of the work you’ve been doing. Spiritual health is like physical health. When you have an illness or aren’t taking care of yourself, you don’t have very much energy. Now that you’ve done some healing and are taking care of yourself spiritually, you’re starting to free up power you were spending fighting just to be functional. 

As for what you should do with it, my advice to you is to treat it like an unexpected bonus. It’s hard to give more specific advice not knowing what the power you’ve unlocked is, but are there things you’ve been wanting that you haven’t had the power to manifest? Are there changes you want to see in the world? Can you use this power to improve your life or the lives of people around you? If so, do it. 

Unless you feel really strongly about taking on some project, you’re not Peter Parker. You’re not obligated to start saving the world just because you’ve gotten access to some power. There are enough people out there with savior complexes stressing out everyone around them with their frantic attempts to work off guilt for being healthy.

You’ve done the work. It’s paid off. Enjoy it! 

If you would like to know how you can get a reading, go to beamagical.com.

[wtfzodiacsigns]

Natal Saturn Square Aspects

Saturn Square Uranus: Tradition and non-tradition are clashing here. This person likely has trouble with authority, can have odd views on laws or humanity, can be rebellious, could hate change, has inner conflict with freedom vs. stability, conformity vs. nonconformity torture them.

Saturn Square Neptune: Saturn could be blocking one’s spiritual side or their sense of belonging to a generation. They can be torn between practicality and impracticality. Their view of reality can be very turbulent, swinging from pessimism and realism to escapism and idealistic.

Saturn Square Pluto: There can be some disconnect or blockage to relating to the events/happenings of a generation. This aspect can make someone a survivor and persistent. They can have serious control issues, become power hungry, and easily get stuck in ruts. There is a lot of toughness but also heaviness to this aspect. Serious and challenging Saturn is squaring off with intense, deep, and dark Pluto.

Saturn Square Ascendant: A lot of seriousness, rigidness, and pragmatism is blocking the Ascendant. A lack of cooperation, fear of others challenging or opposing them, self-alienation, fear of rejection, feeling like they’re hard to love or like, and blockage to the Rising’s expression can happen here.

Saturn Square Midheaven: Resists getting close to coworkers, is rigid or cool in networking, creative and emotional expression can be blocked, stays professional and controlled but there are challenges to meaningful experiences/connections in the direction of their Midheaven.

Saturn Square North Node: They box themselves in by creating laws, responsibilities, boundaries, and blockages from growth. They essentially create their own troubles or bad luck with a narrow-minded view of healing or growing. They give themselves burdens.

Saturn Square Chiron: How they should heal and find strength goes against what authority figures have taught them or against any authority in their lives. They can feel hopeless, fearful, or highly negative towards their healing process. Wounds can manifest in control issues, self-authority, and authority figures.

Saturn Square Ceres: They can feel overly burdened by taking care of others. This can also indicate a huge lack of nurturing when growing up. There was coldness and judgment instead of encouragement. Their Ceres could be buried by Saturn, making them less nurturing overall.

Saturn Square Pallas: Can make someone very devoted and serious to their talents and skills but also overly pragmatic and rigid with them. A skill that is not deemed as highly worthy by society, may get ignored by them. Some talents could also be blocked.

Saturn Square Vesta: Traditions and society could hinder their mental and emotional health somehow. OR they look to society and traditions for help in self care.

Saturn Square Juno: Responsibility, authority, society, or one’s own expectations/boundaries get in the way of marriage or get in the way of finding their soul mate. This could indicate a parent who disproves of a spouse, unconventional roles or marriage, and many other things.

Saturn Square Lilith: Lilith brings chaos to stability and traditions. The traits of Lilith could indicate one’s downfall in terms of responsibility, career, reputation, or view/place in society. Saturn can also block out chances of sexual empowerment or reflection of Lilith.

[foxofthedesert]

RQ OUaT FF | OGA: Ch 8

Chapter 8 – A Bitter Draught

An uneventful month meanders by after the destruction of the garrison at the border. In the interim, Regina has spent her nights much the same way. Tonight no exception is made to the routine that has played an integral role in maintaining an even keel through the undulating seas portentous of a tempest about to blow in from the southeast.

The entire morning was spent embroiled in mostly monotonous meetings, one after another spanning a broad assortment of topics ranging from lumber industrialists bitching about deforestation protocols to a presentation chock full of charts, graphs, and illustrations given by an appallingly boring magistrate from the southerly regions regarding the 'dire threat' posed to her local waterways by wildlife run amok. Apparently overzealous beavers and moles alongside unusual upsurges in foxes, deer, and other agricultural and animal husbandry endangering critters pose as severe a threat as a witch hellbent on the kingdom's destruction – an elucidation for which Regina was ever-so-thankful. The highlight of the morning, and the entire day really, was a girl's chorus from the vicinity of Perrault who visited just before midday to finalize booking them for a gala to be thrown in Red's honor. Regina was so besotted with their cherubic enthusiasm for celebrating the upcoming birthday of the Queen they all adored that she allowed them to lunch with her.

Unfortunately, the proceeding afternoon and evening hours sapped all of the positive energy of that delightful hour. Drafting budget proposals for the council to review was not her idea of fun, nor was reviewing the repairs to the western wall nearing completion after a series of delays. All the same, those things had to be done lest the nobles had cause to question her commitment to the kingdom's financial health and the citadel's security. So after seeing the girl's chorus off, she sequestered in her office, hunkered down and scribbled figures until the wrist and fingers of her right hand ached. Several hours later, she emerged only to spend the next two meticulously inspecting stonework and newly dug rainwater management culverts in the midst of an autumn chill rolling through the area.

By the time Regina trudges up the corridor to her bedchambers, she is weary to the marrow of her bones. Pausing at the door, she fondly recalls how Red had returned from a similar visit to the western wall the month before. Coated in sweat and mud, Red had stank something awful but was nonetheless the picture of simple satisfaction at having broken Queenly protocol to help the workers haul rocks, mix mortar, dig trenches, and pour concrete to fill said ditches so that the new section of the wall had stable foundations. Regina's nose turns up at the memory of the smell wafting from her filthy wife, but then she melts at Red's happy smile at having exhausted herself in hard, honest work that paid objective dividends she has personally witnessed. The wall is now twice as strong as it was before repairs were undertaken. Several times during her review, she was approached by workers and offered thanks for Red's unnecessary but greatly appreciated aid.

I'm just glad it was her that pitched in with the grunt work and not me, Regina thinks, smirking down at her pristine clothing. If Red wants to break her back getting down in the mud with what she insists will always be her sort of folk, she can have at it. As for me, I'll be staying clean and dry. Like mother said, 'That is what servants are for, Regina, and we pay them well enough for their labor. Your job is to ensure that labor is not done in vain.' She wasn't right about a lot, but that's one point I'll agree with her on.

There is a part of Regina that cringes at how snobbish that sounds. Fortunately for her, it is not big enough to make any notable impact upon her conscience. The last time she let the stark disparity between the haves and have-nots bother her, she was a young and criminally naive fool who believed in concepts that will never harmonize with reality – such as the idiotic assumptions that love will always triumph over hate and good over evil. Daniel's death was a slap to the face curing her of those delusions, one that she has yet to recover from and probably never will when five years of marriage to a hopeless romantic has only made a tiny dent in her condescending streak. Besides, if Red can put up with her occasionally sneering down her nose at the common man, why should she be bothered to change any more than she already has? And it isn't as if she is the same callous tyrant who constantly abused the impoverished lower classes during the Dark Days.

Since she fell in love with Red and that hopeless idealism her mother tried to destroy flickered back to life into a quaint but undeniably extant ember, the plight of the rank and file has conclusively improved. There is still destitution, yes, as there always will be in a world as cruel as theirs. But there has been steady upward progress. Salaries of workers all over the citadel, and indeed all over the country, have reached record highs under her audacious agenda to redistribute some of the gross wealth being hoarded by the nobility. The program has not boosted her popularity among the effected noble houses, although even the hardest hit among those most wealthy individuals cannot argue with the wholesale economic benefits produced by a proletariat that is increasingly awash with disposable income. Merchants are especially reaping the harvest of this marked upturn in consumerism, and their nearly universal support of her measures has offset any intransigent defiance from the excessively privileged aristocracy.

So no, Regina does not feel bad for still being a bit of an arrogant, pompous, egotistical asshole. And why should she when Red admittedly finds that side of her...oddly arousing? The answer to that question is self-evident.

As Regina loiters outside in the hallway, the manifesting temptation to provoke Red's attraction to her nasty side is quite potent. Yet as enjoyable as the lengthy, highly energetic romps with her wife invariably are, she is not really in the mood tonight. Unusual as that is, all she wants is to settle in for a relaxing evening in the company of her favorite person in the universe. Red's consistently reliable warmth and devotion is more than enough to take her mind off of the sinister looking storm clouds always a nagging pace ahead of her stride. Storm clouds that thunder the ominous promises of the witch that murdered Robin in front of the whole court and wiped the garrison at Tamerlon off the map.

Prior to entering the chambers, she preemptively sets a number of wards over their door to match those she applies to her wife's person each morning since that terrible day they watched helplessly as one of their dearest friends died. She cannot be too careful since the witch threatening her life also made that lewd comment about Red. Expressing an intent to kill her is one thing, but implying untoward intentions toward her wife is another altogether. So Regina ignores Red's limited amount of snarky griping about her paranoia as she carefully applies the wards, and does not feel a bit bad about doing so. There is no length to which she is unwilling to go to prevent such an indignity being visited upon the only person she has ever known who deserves to live a free, peaceful, and happy life.

Thus far there have been no assassination attempts, much to Regina's equal relief and consternation, which is why she has not immediately recalled Mulan from her task shoring up the southern border with Drakkenhall. It also comes as no great shock since there have been no further sightings of the witch, though she wishes that were not the case. Were there actionable intelligence, she could be out there doing something about the threat. As is, her frustration only grows with each passing day and it feels more and more like the introductory theatrics at the garrison and with Robin were a pot of water hung over a lit fire. Now whatever malefic brew is being prepared has been left to simmer, and once heated to a rolling boil, the concoction will be poured out, no doubt inciting mayhem within the kingdom. To Regina, the waiting is far less preferable to the attack sure to unfold any day now. At least in open conflict she can retaliate. Right now all she's done is sit on her ass, hands tied behind her back, powerless to strike out at an enemy who has yet to reveal herself save through veiled taunts. Psychological warfare is being conducted, and having it waged upon a person of action such as herself is beyond aggravating.

The only comfort through the interminable period of peace before the storm is her nightly ritual with Red. Relaxing together before bed, sipping the finest vintage, and talking about their days helps to unwind the massive knot of frustration that is her entire body and mind of late. Somehow, Red is able to stay calm whereas Regina's self-control is fraying at the edges, and when they are together that inner serenity soothes her irritated nerves as if seeping in via emotional osmosis. After the destruction of the garrison and Robin's death, she's been constantly itching for a fight that refuses to present itself. Red, though, is eerily composed, able to go about her daily business without thoughts of their close friend's abrupt demise hindering or entirely paralyzing her. Whether she's just being brave for Regina's sake or has simply stowed away her grief until the current crisis is over remains uncertain. Regina is too selfish to ask which is the case. Right now she needs her wife's unshakable devotion, quiet strength, easy-going companionship, tender reassurance, and dependable affection – perhaps more so than she ever has.

"Hey, hon! You look beat," Red greets upon Regina's entry.

"I am," Regina says. "It was a long day."

Approaching from where she was perched at their vanity, reading the latest in a long line of epic romances gifted to her by Belle, Red offers Regina a compassionate smile. "I heard. Lots of meetings, huh? And drafting the yearly budget proposal on top of that. I don't envy you."

Regina hums her acknowledgement. Red had spend her day in the town that sprung up beneath the looming shadow of the castle almost immediately after construction was completed some two centuries ago. Referred to now as Eisentor as much due to the easily defensible layout teeming with choke points around the base of the mountain as to the massive steel-reinforced gates, manned around the clock, that bar entrance to the sinuous access road carving a path up to the precipice upon which the Dark Palace sits. In Eisentor, Red is a regarded as somewhat of a fixture, as she can be found there as oft as permitted by the many duties incumbent upon a sovereign.

Today Red paid a visit to the bakery Regina once spied upon and learned of the shifting opinion of her people regarding her rule. Red does not say anything to indicate where she went, nor does she need to; Regina can see the burn marks on her fingers and forearms from greedily plucking hot pastries out of the oven because she was too impatient to wait for them to be safely removed. Ennis and Hanna, the baker and his wife, permit Red to have her run of the place. The indulgence isn't surprising since Red is their Queen, although Regina does not think that factors into their overly kind allowance. Red has a way with people that disarms them almost instantly then has them reduced to so much putty in her palm within a few more minutes. The proprietors of the bakery, all four of them, did not last even that long before they were not only letting Red have her pick of the fresh-out-of-the-oven goodies but were letting her design – and hand-make! – her own confections. The first time that happened Red came back home with flour on her face and dough on her dress, which was a costly garment to have produced. Fortunately for her, the gingersnaps dipped in white chocolate she had baked were delicious. Had Regina known Red had a talent for baking she might not have resisted bedding her quite so long as she did.

In any case, Red's day was far less strenuous than Regina's, thus the reason for her being extra sympathetic. Which she most certainly ought to be as she probably had Ennis and Hanna's absurdly attractive children pawing all over her while she was flitting about their establishment like a butterfly perfectly at home in an environment that decorum would expect her to avoid appearing too comfortable in.

"As well you shouldn't. How are Rina and Alfred, by the way?" Regina asks, unable to keep the venom out of her question. She is still uncomfortable with how much time those two funny and kind, extremely gorgeous, and very single siblings spend around Red.

"Doing good," Red says, smile shifting with longsuffering affection for Regina's irrepressible jealous streak where those two are concerned. "You don't have to keep saying their names like a dirty word, by the way. They're just friends who know I don't have eyes for anybody but you."

"Maybe so, but I'd still feel better if they both got married already," Regina grouses, mood souring further when Red chuckles at her discomfort. "Yuck it up, buttercup. Mock my concerns. But answer me this, what are two highly attractive and eligible individuals like them doing unmarried in their mid-twenties? Huh?"

"Waiting for the right person just like I did," Red calmly answers, ever the diplomat. "The see what I have and want it for themselves. And you know what? I don't blame them one tiny iota. Everyone should be as lucky as me to have found somebody like you."

Eyes dancing, Red sidles over to Regina and pulls her into an embrace without permission. To Regina's frustration, she allows the uninvited move, even appreciates the motive behind it and the comfort it gives her. Ten years ago, she would have incinerated anyone who dared such boldness. Instead she melts into the embrace and accepts the kiss pressed gently to her lips.

You've turned into a pathetic sap, Regina. But who can blame me? These arms are the safest, most loving place in the world. And those kisses are worth all the gold in the kingdom. I may be a sap but at least I'm a happy one.

A chuckle reverberates through Red's chest as Regina loops her arms behind Red, hands joined at the small of her back. "You've been jealous of Rin and Alfie for years for absolutely no good reason. How many times do I have to remind you that neither of them are interested that way in girls?"

Regina pulls away, brows arched. "I thought the same once. Before Leopold's death, I held to my mother's puritanical view of same sex attraction. And then I..." she trails off before mentioning her introduction to Maleficent, not wanting to put Red in a bad mood as well.

Red does not care very much for Mal. Never has really since their introduction almost seven years ago. She insists it is because of the ancient hatred her kind harbors for the race of dragons. One of few historical contributions Anita made to her daughter's thirst for knowledge about her roots was an oral tradition passed down for untold generations which holds that the dragons created werewolves and then enslaved them as a labor force they then exploited mercilessly to erect their great castles and earthworks, some of which exist to this day. That enmity is apparently ingrained into werewolves, which might explain why Red is on constant alert whenever Mal is around for the week or so she visits two or three times per year while her daughter Lillian is with her father. It might, that is, if were not for the scathing glances Red often cast at Maleficent, whether Mal was paying attention or not, only occurring when Regina was present. Among other trustworthy sources, Iris has informed Regina that Red acts perfectly normal when alone with Mal, and that they even seem to get along rather well without Regina between them as she oft is to the keep the peace. Obviously, Red's loathing for Mal is just her own jealous, possessive streak rearing her ugly head – and it is a her, as there is no question the source is the wolf, who thought of Regina as her mate long before her human half did.

So, while it is true Mal was her first foray into the boundless pleasures of a woman's intimate touch, naturally she avoids speaking such a truth aloud to prevent any consequential effusion of blood. A fight between a dragon and the most enormous werewolf on record would not only result in one of the participants being seriously harmed, but there is no telling what damage those two would cause around the citadel tussling in their bestial forms. And as much as Regina enjoys Red acting irrationally possessive and territorial, she does not want her pleasure to come at the expense of innocent bystanders. Or worse, at Red's. Strong as Red is in her fur, could she really take on a dragon as big as a small castle and escape the encounter unscathed? Regina doesn't think so, and thus keeps her trap shut.

Plus, if Mal hurt Red...? Well, then Regina would have to hurt Mal, and she really does not want to do that. She has precious few friends as is that accept her for who she is and not who they want her to be. Mal is one of those, and the oldest at that. It would be unspeakably tragic if Regina lost their deeply embedded camaraderie because she was no better than Snow White at keeping a secret, even if it was her own and not that of another.

"Well," she amends after clearing her throat, "then I learned differently. Such revelations can sneak up on you, as you well know."

Red nods, nibbling her lip bashfully. Unlike Regina, Red had no prior sexual experience with another woman when they became lovers. Her innocence in the matter was as precious as it was exciting. And not only in that aspect, but Red was a virgin as well, having never been brave enough to breach that momentous threshold with Peter before his horrific demise at Red's unwitting...paws. Those crucial details made their first time a priceless gift twice over, so lovingly and trustfully offered by Red and accepted by Regina with all due reverence. Regina will never forget a single detail of that night. Every delightful moan Red let loose, every delicious shudder of the taut muscles in her flawless body, the keening encouragements as Regina's lips, tongue, or fingers discovered all the right spots she never imagined could make her feel so good, and even the whimpers of pain as her maidenhood was delicately torn – all are recorded for posterity within the vault of Regina's memory. Honestly, if she hadn't already known, simply being allowed to observe Red's first time while caught in the throes of some euphoria induced out-of-body experience would have convinced her she was indeed a bisexual woman with a clear preference for the fairer sex.

Getting to be Red's first in two distinct facets almost made her regret giving away both of hers, one to Daniel – a secret Leopold kept for her, one of his few commendable kindnesses to her during their marriage – and the other to Maleficent. Almost. But then she remembers Maleficent breaking her in, how the older dragon had made sure she felt immense waves of almost unbearable pleasure before being allowed to attempt reciprocation, and then how she was expertly guided in the particulars of bringing a woman to orgasm. Under Mal's diligent tutelage, Regina became an expert in her own right and was thus able to impart her wisdom to Red, who proved as eager a student as she once was.

The point, however, is that their fateful encounter on the mountain pass when Regina was hunting down Snow was the first time Red ever experienced attraction to a woman. The intensity of their connection, as she confessed to Regina during their initial and somewhat awkward dinner, had taken her completely by surprise. The fact of the matter is that when confronted by the right circumstance or person, attractions can spring up previously thought absurd if not downright impossible. And if it happened to Red, it could also happen to the baker's offspring. Even Alfred and Rina's preferences are as stated, they would not be unique in questioning them for Red's sake. More than one noble lady with a husband has let slip that they would be receptive to overtures from Misthaven's junior Queen. Hell, Regina herself has been propositioned by seemingly heterosexual women. As unlikely as such as turnabout is, it is not outside of the realm of possibility.

And so even if Regina knows she is being silly, knows that Red is being sincere when insisting she is a one woman gal, that she couldn't be happier in their marriage, and that there is no one else who could ever stir her heart or her passions the way she can, Regina cannot help but feel these irrational surges of jealousy. They aren't Red's fault by any means. No matter how much she has matured emotionally since meeting Red, she is still an inherently possessive woman who finds the concept of others wanting what is hers utterly infuriating.

And Red is mine, dammit. Mine!

"True," Red says, rubbing reassurance into Regina's back between the shoulder blades, like she can sensing Regina's troublesome thoughts. Which is not unusual. Damn werewolf senses. "And maybe they are attracted to me," Red goes on. "Just a teeny tiny bit. If so, they aren't the only ones, and that's not me being boastful. I've had to deal with roving hands and leering eyes since I first grew breasts and developed a figure that didn't more resemble a twig than a girl. That's partly why I made Gran teach me how to shoot a bow and Peter to swing a sword. But that also means I have a lot of experience ignoring that kind of unwanted or unrequited attention. At least the eyes, that is. Hands get slapped."

"Or cut off," Regina growls, remembering one time when a drunk stumbling through town groped Red's chest. On instinct, Regina drew her sword and relieved the man of the offending appendage. Red was not pleased.

"Let's not go there," Red says, nose wrinkling as if remembering the same thing. She then shakes her head, clearly finding the direction their discussion was heading odious. "In fact, let's just drop this topic altogether and meander over into safe waters."

Regina nods curtly. She had not liked the subject any better than Red. "Agreed." Silence then descends in the absence of a topic, not pleasant although not exactly unpleasant either.

"Have you heard anything else from Mulan?" Red asks a moment later.

Knowing this avenue of discussion is in many ways more stressful than the one they'd just been on, Regina indicates towards the plush sofa pushed against the far wall right next the bay window. "Let's sit first." Red's agreement comes by silently allowing Regina to grab her hand and pull her over to the sofa. Only once they are both seated, hips touching, Red leaning into Regina's shoulder, does Regina finally give a proper answer. "Yes, I have heard from Mulan," she says, as Red listens intently, Regina's tightly clutched hand sandwiched between her own in her lap, legs crossed, body angled inward toward Regina. "I received a letter yesterday. There have been no further attacks in Drakkenhall since the two last month. She seems to believe this lull in activity is indicative of an imminent strike. Called it the calm before the storm."

"And you agree with that assessment?" Red asks, looking every bit as worried for Regina's safety as she had the night after they buried Robin.

"I trust Mulan, so yes," Regina says, her tone betraying her own concern. "Also, I have heard reports from my spies of troubling rumors spreading through the lowlands between Snow's realm, Stefan's, and ours. Rumors of armed men being spotted in the dense forests, never long enough to identify numbers before disappearing into the shadows like ghosts. All attempts to scout out these interlopers have come back empty-handed. I'd ordinarily regard them as poppycock, but the locals have long claimed there are secret tunnels criss-crossing the region, remains of ancient works built during the Great Ogre Wars an age ago. Perhaps there is some truth to these rumors and some clandestine force is gathering right under our noses. Or this information can be dismissed as of no consequence because they are ludicrous. Frankly I'm not sure which is the case, though I am inclined to side with the latter over the former."

"Is there not anything we can do to find out for sure? Maybe send some troops to check it out?" Red asks, voice hitching with trepidation that has nothing to do with fear for her own safety or having to don the armor of war. Red is a fearless fighter, has proved so on many occasions. But the thought of sending her people out to battle, to fight and die on her behalf against an enemy whose strength is unknown, is to her an intolerable one. And, more than anything else, she is ever-aware of the witch's threat on Regina's life.

"Not with our forces already stretched thin since the corps stationed nearby was redeployed to Mulan's command on the border." That decision had come a week after Mulan's letter announcing two more villages on Stefan's side had been obliterated by their elusive magic-wielding enemy. It hadn't been an easy one to make, as those troops had standing orders to keep a close eye on Snow and Charming's realm. And if there was any chance those two self-righteous morons might be up to something nefarious, the time to instigate those plans was right now when Regina's eyes were elsewhere. "Best to address the foe we know for a fact is operating in Drakkenhall than to waste resources on what may or may not be a real threat. If you'll recall, we made that decision together," she points out, and not unkindly.

Regina is spared Red's response by a knock on the door that she answers by straightening in her seat before bellowing an affirmative command to enter. Iris strides in seconds later, a little behind schedule, looking slightly harried. In her hand is a silver tray holding two large bell-shaped wine glasses that each contain a generous portion of the castle's finest vintage.

"I'm sorry I'm late, Your Majesties," Iris says, sounding as atypically out of sorts as she looks. "I bumped into someone in the hallway, a redheaded woman I'd never seen before, and nearly lost the tray and it's contents." Her fair face darkens almost imperceptibly. "I stopped a while to question her. Turns out she's new, just got hired onto the custodial staff. Anyway, that's no excuse. I bet your pardon once more, my Queens."

"It's alright, Iris. No harm, no foul," Red says, demeanor warm and accommodating for the maid she would insist is not just that, but her friend.

Both Regina and Red accept their wine with smiles and thanks, though Regina's response is slightly strained by Iris' explanation as to her tardiness. She knows of no new hires amongst the staff, but that is not unusual since Red encourages her to trust more in those to whom she has delegated responsibility instead of micromanaging everything as she is apt to do. Iris, to her credit, says nothing about Regina's reaction except to inquire whether she can be of any further service other than the delivery of their nightly wine.

"No, thank you, Iris," Regina says, still sitting primly while in company other than family or friends as Red nervously worries the surface of her glass. As fond as Regina is of Iris, she cannot seem to lose the distinction between servant and friend ingrained into her from a child by Cora. "You may go." When Iris gives a curt curtsy then immediately begins to leave, Regina feels Red's eyes cut into the side of her head. She sighs. "Wait." And when Iris halts to turn back, adds, "Take the rest of the evening off and don't bother coming in until the afternoon tomorrow. I'd like a lazy morning for once. Both of us could use one, I think."

"Definitely," Red says, looking much more pleased than she did a moment ago. "Have a wonderful evening, Iris. And give John our love, won't you?"

"I will, my Queen," Iris says with effusive gratitude that makes Regina feel a bit better than it probably should. "Thank you both." Whereas Regina nods politely, Red offers Iris one of her big, toothy smiles that could light up the whole castle if she stood in the right place.

With Iris gone, Regina sinks into the cushions of the sofa and blows out a breath. "I'm sorry about before. If I sounded upset or harsh, that wasn't my intent."

Red softly squeezes Regina's hand that she has still yet to surrender. "I know. And I wasn't going to argue. I agreed with your suggestion just like you said and nothing since has changed that. I'm just concerned is all. A witch burning villages in Drakkenhall, rumors of strange men lurking in the lowland forests. I don't like the feel of this one bit."

"Me either," Regina agrees, then takes a sip of her wine. The full texture and smooth flavor go down easy, warming her from the inside out. "Believe me, I wish that underhanded she-devil would just come out swinging already. I'm sick of the games. The waiting is intolerable."

"I know what you mean. There's a tension in the air all the time now. I hate it. It's like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Only when it does, I can't help but feel I'll wish it hadn't."

"As much as I agree, we can't afford to think that way. Negativity breeds defeat, and I'm not about to let this uppity sorceress, whoever she may be, beat me on my own turf. When it comes to fighting fire with fire, I don't lose, darling. You know that."

"Ah, my heroic Midnight Queen!" Red sings, using the title she'd given to Regina long ago. "There is no foe in heaven above or Hades below with whom she will not stand toe-to-toe and prevail."

"Damn straight. And don't go forgetting that any time soon." Smirking, Regina tips her glass to Red, who clinks hers against it with an airy laugh.

"As if I could," Red says after they both take a luxurious drag of their wine. "You're not exactly timid or humble about your martial prowess. Never seen anyone best you with sword or spell, and we have a lot of good fighters and magicians in our arsenal."

Head swirling pleasantly from the alcohol, though it has hit her a little harder and faster than usual tonight, Regina grins darkly. "I just look forward to defending my undisputed title in both against the bitch who killed our friend."

"Hear, hear," Red says, then raises her glass. "To justice for Robin."

Approving of the gesture, Regina raises her glass as well, smile fading into an expression of iron resolve. "To justice for Robin. May it come swiftly and violently. And preferably at the business end of my sword or your furrier half's maw."

"I'll drink to that," Red says, and then they take another gulp of the delicious vintage Iris delivered.

The rest of the evening passes with amiable conversation and a few easy silences that see them leaning against each other while basking in their mutual adoration. They also sneak in more than a few kisses, most of them chaste, though a few get heated, one so much so that Red winds up in Regina's lap before they come to their senses. All too soon, however, the wine collides with Regina as if a sledgehammer descending upon a brittle clay pot, obliterating her senses. Vision blurring, hearing obfuscated, heart suddenly pounding in her ears, she rises unsteadily and nearly collapses straight into the floor.

"Wow," Red says, helping her to stay upright. "That wine sure hit you hard. Weird. Didn't do anything for me." Regina thinks, but is not sure, Red pulls a suspicious face. "Musta just been 'cause you're tired. Let's get you to bed so you can sleep it off."

Regina does not remember much else that comes next except for being wrangled onto the bed, her clothes stripped down to the underwear, and Red's wryly chuckled comment as she is tucked in, "Good thing you gave Iris the morning off. You'll be sleepin' late for sure." Then sheets are pulled up and tucked around her shoulders and all at once, before she can even manage to part her lips to speak, the lights go out.

Once the irresistible darkness claims Regina, she remembers no more.

[sonyasongwriter]

John 8:36“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”

Christ Jesus came to this world pre-ordained by God The Father                          To set the Captives be set free The only way to Our Father God  is by way of the son Christ Jesus. Without Christ Jesus there can be no deliverance daily we are to ask the Lord to deliver us from self and lustful desires of this world amen

Galatians 5:17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.

*AFFLICTED AND ADDICTED SEVERELY*

This was me 15 YEARS AGO until one morning I woke up with the Bible on my on my bosom opened to Psalms 116 laying flat on my back my arms folded across my bible across my and feet crossed as someone had laid me in that position. (peacefully resting) My entire living room destroyed as if there had been a brawl of several ppl But in fact it of from the struggle of my self and the supernatural unseen entities that manifest this particular night. I was severely afflicted and addicted on the path to self destruction a path that was leading me directly in the mouth of hell had not the Lord answered just in the nick of time. The grip of death had taken hold of me but Lord himself apprehended the Strong man within me removing It. For it had me bound had come to take my life that night all my warnings and chances had ran out expired

    *THE ENEMY BECKONING GOD TO REMOVE HEDGE OF PROTECTION*               Mocking my Condition asking God for my life

I was drinking alone util the last drop as usual I found myself standing in front of the bathroom mirror I found myself holding the Bible in my left hand In my right hand I was holding a bottle of VSOP Brandy

That is when the entire atmosphere changed and things shifted instantly It went from these entities mocking and questioning God To remove hedge of protection from me turn me over to a reprobate I leaned in towards the mirror and saw 2 pure black balls eyes They where looking back at me filled with intense hatred

I was very frightened at this point I dropped the bottle and the bible That is when the physical realm around me opened up as portal And the hounds of hell where able to manifest themselves.

*THE SUPERNATURAL MANIFESTED INTO THE NATURAL*

I DID EXPERIENCE THIS AND IT IS HORRIFYING WITH ONLY A LITTLE BREATH DURING THIS DESPERATE SUPERNATURAL STRUGGLE SOMETHING OUT OF A TV MOVIE IT WAS. I WAS AWARE THAT SOMETHING WAS INSIDE OF ME UNTIL THIS NIGHT THIS DEMON WAS VERY ANGRY IT TOOK OVER MY LIMBS COMPLETELY AND MY VOICE

I HAD VERY LITTLE STRENGTH DO ANYTHING I WAS BEING TOSSED ALL AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL . AS I TRIED TO SCREAM FOR HELP IN MY NATURAL GOD GIVEN VOICE THE VOICE OF THIS DEMOM WOULD SPEAK AND SILENCE ME I COULD FEEL A GRIP A STRONG GRIP AROUND MY THROAT CHOKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

I KNEW ENOUGH TO TO CALL ON THE NAME OF AND I DID AND INSTANTLY IN DESPERATION IN COMPLETE FEAR I SCREAMED OUT "JESUS HELP ME" AND INSTANTLY THE ATMOSPHERE CHANGED.

*THE LORD GOD HIMSELF REBUKED SATAN FOR ME* He Rebuked The Devour For My Sake Supernaturally Spiritual Realm, Dimensions, The Supernatural

Last thing I remember was seeing I was on my stomach like a snake moving Still being slung around all over the place multiple things going on at once During all this activity I had been trying to free myself of these entities but I could not up until the point when I called on the Name of Jesus!

A HOST OF BEINGS THAT WHERE NOT OF THIS EARTH I HAD NEVER SEEN PEOPLE THAT LOOK LIKE THIS EVER ( ANGELS ) 2 OF THEM TO BE EXACT Fierce looking body built much stronger than a human body These supernatural beings where at least 10 ft tall or more in statue (Giants) Their color was that of a pale grayish clay pale color with should length hair Why I was allowed to see this and live to tell of it I did not know then but I now know why.

I saw dragging a black figure one on each side and this thing on it's knees Attempting to resist but it could because the had it bound in chains Later on as years went by I began to study on this type of thing and the Holy Spirit revealed to me that this thing had manifest out of another dimension between the 3rd and 4th dimension.

Portals had Opened up doors that had been opened in my life Allowed for this evil spirits to take possession of my physical body Excessive Alcohol Use , Witchcraft that had been sent to me, And the absence of God in my life and Generational Curses.

You see I would have surely died that night after what seemed forever of fighting with these evil spirits for my life from being physically choked and tossed around like weightless rag doll . Tormented manifestations of all sorts until I had given up only thing I knew to do was call on the name of Jesus with all my energy and might !

You see The Lord had enough of me and my wicked filthy drinking My strong hold was not men, not money, not jealousy , not homosexuality Not Whorish ways. But rather the strong that had me bound sucking the life out of me was alcohol and the sprits attached to it low self esteem, no self worth, rejection, depression & witchcraft (please do some research on why alcohol is called "Spirits"

I WILL FOREVER BE IN THE DEBTED TO CHRIST JESUS FOR NOT ALLOWING SATAN TO REMOVE ME FROM MY FAMILY AT THE AGE OF 33 BUT RATHER UNDENIABLY ADDED YEARS TO MY LIFE THIS I KNOW WITHOUT A DROP OF DOUBT.

*WARNING TO THE MOCKERS & UNBELIEVERS* Those Who Mock The Supernatural Power Of God

MANY OF MAY BE LAUGHING RIGHT ABOUT NOW BUT THAT'S ALRIGHT I'M FREE, FREE ENOUGH TO SHARE MY TESTIMONY WITH YOU AND NOT BE ASHAMED OR CARE WHAT MANY WILL THINK INCLUDING RELIGIOUS PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE NOT IN THIS TYPE OF THING YOU SEE WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW IS THAT THE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE TO THIS TYPE OF THING IS SETTING MANY UP FOR FAILURE EVEN DEATH

MANY OF YOU ARE HOST TO THESE ENTITIES AND DON'T EVEN KNOW IT WICKED EVIL SPRITS THAT HAVE BEEN SENT BY GENERATIONAL CURSES, WITCHCRAFT , EXCESSIVE WILLFULLY SINNING JESUS HIMSELF REBUKED SATAN FOR ME INSTANTLY YES HE DID AS I SIT AND WRITE ABOUT IT TEARS FLOW FROM MY EYES STILL TODAY HE WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU TODAY IF YOU SINCERELY CALL UPON THE NAME OF JESUS.

THE WORD OF GOD SAYS MY PEOPLE PERISH FOR THE LACK OF KNOWLEDGE, ROOT WORD OF KNOWLEDGE IS (KNOW) HOW WILL YOU KNOW IF GOD HIMSELF DOES NOT REVEAL IT TO YOU THE WISDOM OF GOD IS UNLIKE THE WISDOM OF THIS WORLD FOR IT REVEALS REVELATION AND REVELATION REVEALS ALL THING SEEN AND UNSEEN.

PROVERBS 29:18 Where there is no revelation, people cast off restraint; but blessed is the one who heeds wisdom's instruction

HOSEA 4:6 6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children.

      *FINAL WARNING BEFORE DESTRUCTION*                few days prior to deliverance

In my sinful state 1 week prior to the night of this horrible manifestation I heard the Voice of authority God speak to me and tell me in a clear voice I'M GOING KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING "BEING A FILTHY DRUNKARD "

 I WAS WARNED BY THIS VOICE IT WAS NOT THE VOICE OF SATAN FOR SATAN WANTED TO SIFT ME LIKE WHEAT AND WAS PREPARED TO FINISH ME OFF WARNING ME NO NEVER SATAN. PLEASE DON'T TRY TO PERSUADE ME THAT GOD WILL NOT SPEAK TO YOU DIRECTLY AND CLEARLY AND TELL YOU YOUR TIME IS ALMOST UP FOR I KNOW ALL TO WELL MYSELF FROM EXPERIENCE.

*DENIAL OF ALCOHOL ADDICTION THAT LEAD TO POSSESSION* Of My Physical & Mental , Mind Control A puppet of satan They Are called The Manipulated Walking Dead

LYING TO MYSELF SAYING I WAS STRESSED AND DEPRESSED EXCUSES OF A BAD MARRIAGE ONE THAT CHRIST DID NOT EXIST IN USING THOSE EXCUSES TO DRINK 24/7 EVERY DAY ALL DAY AND NIGHT     I WAS ALWAYS A PERSON OF DEEP COMPASSION TOWARDS OTHERS.               EVEN THOUGH I WAS A FITHLY DRUNKARD I LOVED CARED FOR PEOPLE

ABOUT 4 WEEKS BEFORE THE ONSET OF ALL THIS ACTIVITY                         I TOOK IN A PERSON WHO HAD AIDS AND HAD NO WHERE TO GO

NO-ONE ELSE WANTED TO CARE FOR THIS PERSON AND SHUNNED THEM MY COMPASSION ALLOWED FOR ME TO REACH OUT TO THEM

I BATHE AND SPOON FED THE PERSON THEIR HEALTH WAS FAILING                SOMEHOW UNAWARE I NURSED THEM BACK TO HEALTH THEY COULD NOT EVEN LIFT A SPOON TO FEED THEIR SELF .

NOW THAT I LOOK BACK ON IT MAYBE THAT PERSON WAS TEST 

 CAME TO ME  IN THE FORM OF HUMAN BUT WITH TEST YOU SEE I DO LOOK BACK ON IT ALL AND I DO BELIEVE TODAY  IF I HAD REJECTED 

THEM MAYBE GOD WOULD HAVE REJECTED ME AND NOT GIVEN ME THAT FINAL WARNING & COMPASSION FOR I COULD NOT HELP MYSELF AT ALL AS THIS PERSON COULD NOT DO FOR THEMSELVES.

WHEN I LOOK BACK I CAN HONESTLY SAY  I BELIEVE BECAUSE OF MY COMPASSION TOWARDS MY FELLOWMAN (HUMANITY)  THE LORD GOD HAD MERCY AND COMPASSION ON ME .

AT THE TIME I DID NOT SEE IT THAT WAY I WAS SIMPLY OVERWHELMED BY THE SUFFERING OF THIS PERSON IT WAS TO MUCH TO BARE I HAD TO DO SOMETHING I DID AND IN RETURN GOD GAVE ME A SUPERNATURAL MIRCLE WITH SUPERNATURAL BEINGS THAT CAME TO MY RESCUE 

I DID THIS ACT OF KINDNESS EVEN IN MY SINFUL STATE OF MIND I WAS NOT LOOKING FOR ANY REWARD OR ANY PAY OR RECONNECTION AT ALL THIS WAS MY CHARACTER I ALWAYS WENT OUT OF MY WAY TO HELP THOSE WHO WHERE HURTING . 

I NOW REALZE THAT GOD HAD TO PROVE TO SATAN WHAT TYPE OF PERSON IT WAS THAT HE HAD BOUND IN BONDAGE I WAS WONDERING WHY GOD DELIVERED ME INSTANTLY LIKE HE DID BUT NOW I KNOW.           LOVE AND COMPASSION ABOVE ALL THINGS PLEASES GOD  GOD IS LOVE AND LOVE IS GOD AMEN. (do not take love thy neighbor lightly or in vain amen

I WAS BEAUTIFUL ON THE OUTSIDE WELL KEPT IN APPEARANCE ETC... BUT FILTHY AND POSSESSED ON THE INSIDE LIVING WITH DEMONS LORD JESUS JUST TO THINK ABOUT IT I SHAKE MY HEAD IN TEARS IN TEARS OF JOY STILL UNTIL THIS DAY AND THIS WAS 15 YEARS AGO

You see I was messed up inside out tore up from the floor up! See what had taken over me had possessed me completely! Alcohol 24/7 Morning,Noon,Night You see God Spared me from death To 1.Many Times ! DWI headed straight on for 18 wheeler 2.Intoxicated driving the Lord took me away from the city in a direction In an open field In A Brand New vehicle going no where straight to hell !

          * FINAL WARNING BEFORE DESTRUCTION*                    few days prior to deliverance 1 WEEK PRIOR TO THIS HORRIBLE MANIFESTATION AND GREAT DELIVERANCE I had wanted alcohol so bad one night got up out my bed in my pajamas And went to a bar there in Houston Tx Blalock Street to be exact I was only a few minutes from my home not even 2 miles from my home But Upon leaving this place which was on minutes from my home I found myself far far away from my home traveling on a dark country road Seem there had been a loss of time hours woke up In A field not recalling much except that I was safe with no harm to me not one scratch.

In this field where cow, horses, sheep other live stock I plainly remember it like it was yesterday for it is branded in my mind never to be forgotten. You see satan had a plan to make sure I was murdered in the city for he had beckoned God for my life. But the Lord let me drive and drive in a rural area In a pasture of animals is where I ended up the Lord once again intervened and allowed for me to not drive into the dangerous city limits or even be killed in a crash but allowed for me drive on a rural county road.

A road that I had never been on before an unfamiliar area Now that I look back I know that even the Lord God taken me in a entirely new direction that something was about to change. As a spiritual war is fought by spirit also must manifest in the natural Amen. We are not Mortals and not Immortals so this war has to be fought with a balance the natural and supernatural (INTERCESSION)

           *FINAL WARNING BEORE DESTRUCTION *             missing time or time unaccounted for

From around 3am-6am I experienced something that till this day I can't explain Missing Time In the pasture In which i have no memory from that point of what happened . I only can tell yo where I was and my surroundings and that I was eventually able to navigate my self back home at the break of dawn.

The area full of sheep and cows in a green pasture Was I afraid? No I was not Was I harmed in anyway ? No I have prayed about this event for years and some answers I have gotten some answers at this time I will not elaborate on it. But in the future if released by God to do so I will open up about it!

Just know that I was sheltered by the hand of God kept safe Prepared for deliverance which was to come 1 week and it did I do believe this night as well that I had a divine visitation One That I can't recall much about only what God wants me to know at this time.

             *THE SOVEREIGN WILL OF GOD*       God’s sovereign or decretive will is also called              His “hidden” will It is “sovereign

Something had been done pertaining to my memory I could not remember my name for a briefly couple hours Wondering how I had gotten there in this field puzzled in dismay I started my my vehicle and just began to drive in any direction I came to a gas station I asked them what area was this

My memory began to come back I remembered my name And that I had a husband & family and I needed to get back to them I had never stayed away all night from my daughters (never)

God had warned me but I disobeyed to answer the call and he still was giving me a change to come back to my first love before he allowed for my life to be snatched from me.

This Chapter of my life I have been in prayer about over the years And some revelation has come but for the most I'm grateful For the Lord did make th me to lie down in green pastures  PSALMS 23 Literally applies to my life.

All I have to say about this is that God sometimes spares of from destrucion He will examine the heart of men like only he can if he sees fit to Sometimes Many of us that should have met destruction are still here! By the Sovereign Will of God .

    *THE SOVEREIGN WILL OF GOD* God’s sovereign or decretive will is also 

                           His “hidden” will It is “sovereign

God is preeminent in power and authority. God’s sovereignty is a natural consequence of His omniscience, omnipotence, and omnipresence. What’s subject to disagreement is to what extent God applies His sovereignty—specifically, how much control He exerts over the wills of men. When we speak of the sovereignty of God, we mean He rules the universe, but then the debate begins over when and where His control is direct and when it is indirect.

God is described in the Bible as all-powerful and all-knowing (Psalm 147:5), outside of time (Exodus 3:14; Psalm 90:2), and responsible for the creation of everything (Genesis 1:1; John 1:1). These divine traits set the minimum boundary for God’s sovereign control in the universe, which is to say that nothing in the universe occurs without God’s permission. God has the power and knowledge to prevent anything He chooses to prevent, so anything that does happen must, at the very least, be “allowed” by God.

                  *THE HOUR OF TRUTH HAS COME*

                  When you are chosen and you defy God                         what are the consequences

I had become a stumbling block for others and standing in the way of my family members receiving salvation So Time was up for me and I knew it I could see the spirit of death that took firm hold of me. To many doors had been opened doors leading to hell and destruction they needed to be closed right away or I would have been in my grave at the age of 33 years of age!

1 week exactly after this particular event with loss of time Is when I experienced the night of Supernatural Deliverance From the most High God still drinking shaken up about not being able to account for a loss of time.

If I would have not remembered my First Love Christ Jesus And called upon him that night I know without a doubt that That I was finished the handwriting was on the wall events that had happened the prior week had shaken me to the core.

Be it Chosen or not when God gets tired of our disobedience It often causes of to live a short life cut off in our prime (premature death) untimely death.

And God does get tired for this he let it rain down fire and Brimstone On Sodom and Gomorrah God has flooded the earth of the wicked and all things saving only a few obedient Noah and his seed. Satan often comes before God as he did with Job asking God to remove The hedge of protection from around Job and God did

For God has examined Job's heart and knew that it was pure As today God is examining mans heart and God himself and only God can see the impurities within a man and the pureness of a man That is one of the reason that some of us are still here Today And the reason that some of us are not here.

           *RETURNING BACK TO MY FIRST LOVE*                        IN THE NICK OF TIME

Actually these events put the Fear of God back within my heart and opened my eyes to things that you will not often learn in a Sunday School lesson or Bible study. But yet I know for myself that I had a visitation from the presence of Angelic beings not of this world Am I ashamed to tell it knowing that I may be ridiculed even mocked. No I'am not because I can no longer keep this to myself God has released me to speak on it no matter what man says It was not man that SuperNaturally and Instantly Rebuked the Devour of Satan upon me It was Christ Jesus that Allowed God to move on my behalf Amen I will forever be over grateful and sold out as a servant of the Most High God. ( Thank You Master Glory to you Father)

        *THE WISDOM OF GOD REVEALS REVELATION*              Revelation Reveals All Things & Unseen

Getting drunk a drunkard is the equivalent of a Swine is FILTHY LIKE A SWINE WADDLING IN A PIG PEN. EVER SEEN A PIG PEN ? I HAVE AS A CHILD IN THE COUNTRY AND IT IS FILTHY THE PIG JUST ROLLS AROUND IN THE MUD EATING ANYTHING EVEN HIS OWN FECES EVER IN HIS WAY. I REMEMBER THE CARE TAKER SAYING THIS IS WHAT WE FEED THEM IT IS CALLED SLOP IT IS ALL KIND OF LEFT OVER FOODS AND IT SMELLS HORRIBLY.

SLOP IS WHAT THE DRUNKARD ABSORBS INTO THIER BODIES POURING EVERY TYPE OF POSION LIQUOR INTO THEIR SYSTEM SOMETIMES EVEN GETTING ALCOHOL POISONING. GUESS WHAT PIGS DON'T EVEN HAVE PORES SO ALL THAT CRAP THEY EAT STAYS INSIDE UNTIL EXCRETED BUT HUMANS HAVE POURS SO WE ARE ABLE TO SWEAT THE ALCOHOL OFF OR EVEN VOMIT IT BACK UP.

PIGS WILL EVEN LICK UP THIER OWN VOMIT I WAS EQUIVALENT TO A FILTHY PIG GOD SHOWED ME TRYING TO HELP YOU GET A REVELATION YOU BEETER GET THIS! THE WISDOM OF GOD IS UNLIKE THE WISDOM OF THIS WORLD FOR IT REVEALS REVELATION AND REVEALS ALL THING SEEN AND UNSEEN.

         *BACK TO THE SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE*                after the final warning God said enough

This supernatural event with Angels and set date with death that I did not see for God canceled it out Amen. After seeing these angels apprehending this strong man (Demon) I was put to sleep and rested in Peace woke up with the very Bible I had been holding earlier .

The same Bible I was holding in one hand and a bottle of Alcohol in one hand This Bible ended up on my chest turned to psalms 116 never in my life had I read this particular verse before ever but when I did that morning it did not strike me like it would later for I would full understand what had happened in fullness Amen !

I know that I know that I know with every ounce of understanding within me Christ Jesus Himself Rebuked the devour of satan on my behalf. Not because I deserved it , nor because good needed me, nor because I was special but because I called on the name Jesus in all sincerity when hell and it's hounds had a grip on me a Strong Hold

           *A DIVINE APPOINTMENT AT THE ALTER*               Pre-ordained by a Father God himself

The Lord still working on me from the am morning hours until day break I woke up in a peaceful state of mind the Holy Bible was opened to Psalms 116 laying across my chest I removed it and read the scriptures My God I was then guided to by unction of the Holy Spirt to a small church in a county town of Jasper Texas.

I did not exactly know what was going on but I knew there was an urgency for me to get to this church a . ( URGENCY SO I OBEYED) I now know that I myself had been apprehended by the sovereign will of God . And was under the the unction of the Holy Spirt and was moving with an urgency Life or Death depended on it.

Back then I was unaware of this but today I understand that the Lord Most High God was going to complete what he had started in me. I walked in the church walked to the front pew and sat there I remember service was almost over I was right on time for my divine appoint with God at the alter for further deliverance to be completed amen. (Glory to God )

The Apostle of the church called alter call I got up went forward And so did several other people standing there wanting prayer for whatever their need was. I remember the preacher going down the line asking each individual what they needed prayer for when he got to me It began he bent down looked in my eyes shook his head and said church in now dismissed you all may leave I heard him say over he microphone ( if you are here you do not believe in the power of God then you should go

I heard him say to remove all the children from the church and to open the front doors of the Church I grabbed his hand tightly in desperation and said to him if you do not pray for me I'm going to die and I went limp and collapsed to the floor at the Alter. You see for those who don't understand let me clarify it for you God had sent Angels in the morning hours to remove the strong man that had me bound a prisoner in my own body in my own mind.

I don't think you hear God rebuked satan on my behalf yes he did removing the strongest demon from within me . But there was purging that needed to be done and with this purging out came the smaller spirits with no place to go but back to the dry places.

I see now why the Apostle asked for the front door to remain open The revelation of God reveals all things seen and unseen I keep repeating that so that you will catch on and understand what I mean I'm a living witness to the Supernatural and that is real just as real as you or me there are things seen and unseen in this world be not deceived my brothers and sisters.

Luke 11:24 When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.'

Matthew 12:44 Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left.' On its arrival, it finds the house vacant, swept clean and put in order.

            ( THE ANOINTING THE CALL OF AN APOSTLE )                   THE 5 FOLD MINISTRY EVIDENCE                   CASTING OUT UNCLEAN SPIRITS

Apostle Kelvin Hall My beloved spiritual father whom labored and toiled over me transferring the mantle upon my life , exhausted but he never quit obedient to the call of God upon my life.

I'm forever grateful to you man of God concerning my life thank you for being obedient and continuing my deliverance @ the Alter when I collapsed from being used up by Satan surely I would have surely died the following month or days Yes death was all over me ! (God himself rebuked Satan for me) Thank you man of God For keeping the church doors open way longer than usual !

He stayed and he prayed me through rare something you don't see Pastors take the time out to do today. Thank you Lord for you obedient Apostles that do your will Father. Thank you Lord for the True Holy Ghost Fire Thank you Lord for setting me free I was a captive held prisoner I don't think you all hear me.

After 3 hours purging, demonic activity resisting to flee but they had to go because this appoint was pre-ordained before time God knew that I would call upon him in all sincerity So it was God that set a date for my deliverance

My God and he will do the same or you or your loved ones amen When the Lord God has a set Divine Appointed Time concerning your life and circumstances not a demon in hell can can control it not a one Not even legions, Generals, Captains, in satan army GLORY TO GOD AMEN .

AFTER 3 OR SO HOURS I GOT UP OFF THAT FLOOR IN THE NAME OF JESUS AND RAN AROUND THAT CHURCH LIKE I HAD WON THE LOTTERY MY GOD NOBODY HAD TO TELL ME TO RUN

I BROKE OUT LIKE A FRESH WIND MY GOD IF YOU ONLY KNEW THE BURDENS THAT HAD BEEN LIFTED THE PRESSURE THE STRONG HOLD SPIRITS THAT HAD BEEN CAST BACK TO THE DRY PLACES

BE NOT DECEIVED MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS SATAN WALKS T AND FRO IN THIS LAND SEEKING WHOM HE MAY DEVOUR!

YOU BETTER WAKE UP AND START READING THAT SCRIPTURE WITH MORE CLARITY AMEN.

  *PEACE OF MIND MADE BRAND NEW physically & supernaturally *

LET ME BLOW YOUR MIND WITH THIS ON MY WAY BACK HOME THAT NIGHT AFTER A LONG DAY BEING SET FREE FEELING VERY STRANGE WEAK AND FATIGUED WHAT AN ORDEAL I NEEDED REST HOLY SPIRIT STILL RESTING HEAVILY UPON ME . I FELT LIKE A LITTLE GIRL WHO HAD NEVER LOST HER INNOCENCE A NEW PERSON MY SPIRITUAL EYES OPEN EVEN MY EYES WHERE VERY SENSITIVE TO LIGHT YOU SEE ON MY WAY BACK HOME TRAVELING 2 HOURS BACK TO MY CITY I PASSED IN AND OUT OF A DEEP TRANSE THIS WENT ON FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE HOME 2 HRS.

I WOULD WAKE THEN I WOULD PASS OUT I COULD FEEL LIKE I WAS BEING WORKED ON IN MY BODY I COULD SMELL THE STENCH OF ALCOHOL BEING RELEASED OUT OF MY PORES AS THEY OPENED AND CLOSED ! REMEMBER THE EXPLANATION OF THE COMPARISON OF A DRUNKARD IS EQUIVALENT TO A SWINE WELL LOOK AT GOD WAS DOING STILL WASN'T DONE WITH ME DETOXIFYING MY BODY A PURIFICATION WAS TAKING PLACE .

        *( BEING OPERATED ON BY HEAVENLY HANDS)*             THE SUPERNATURAL INTERNAL HEALING

AS THIS WAS HAPPENING IT MUST HAVE BEEN PAINFUL I SAY IT IN THAT MANNER BECAUSE I PASS OUT FOR 10 MINUTES OR SO THEN I WAKE UP DROWSY LIKE I HAD BEEN UNDER ANESTHESIA THIS HAPPENED ALL THE WAY BACK TO HOUSTON TEXAS

AND INBETWEEN BEING GENTLY BE PUT INTO A TRANS LIKE STATE I COULD HEAR THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MUSIC I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY MY ENTIRE LIFE MY GOD THE SOUNDS I HEARD SOUNDED LIKE A SYMPHONY OF ANGELS SINGING SO HIGH PITCHED NEVER IN THIS LIFETIME HAVE I HEARD ANYTHING THAT COMES CLOSE OR EVEN COMPARES TO IT

Listen to these sounds the very last pitch on the video and magnify it to the loudest  MHz you can imagine  earthly  glass shattering in the natural it would be multiply it  by many voices. That makes a perfect melody this is what i heard in my left ear only ! After this happened I had the ability to write music and songs. Something that i did not do at all  before I heard this symphony of heaven that’s what I call it because it was just that !  

 https://youtu.be/4Tno4L-6vP4 

I KNOW NOW TODAY THE VOICES THAT I HEARD WAS NONE OTHER THAN THE HEAVENLY SYMPHONY OF GOD REJOICING REJOICING FOR MY SOUL HAD BEEN SET FREE THIS DAY MY GOD IF YOU ONLY KNEW THAT CHOIRS OF HEAVEN ARE REAL AND THEY SING PRAISES TO THE MOST HIGH GOD AND THEY DO REJOICE WHEN A SOUL HAS BEEN SET FREE FROM CAPTIVITY AND THE OPPRESSION A STRONG HOLD AMEN!

THE LAST THING I REMEMBER I SAID SHALOM IN A SOFT WEAK VOICE A WORD I HAD NOT EVER HEARD OF UNTIL THAT DAY THEN I RESTED PEACEFULLY IT WAS DONE A FEW MONTHS LATER I LOOKED THE WORD UP AS I WAS ONLINE ATTEMPTING TO RESEARCH THESE EVENTS THAT HAD HAPPENED TO ME ONLY TO LOOK THE WORD UP AND TO FIND OUT IT MEANS

                     (SHALOM, REST AND PEACE )              JESUS CAME TO SET THE CAPTIVES FREE

Shalom (Hebrew: שָׁלוֹם‬ shalom; also spelled as sholom, sholem, sholoim, shulem) is a Hebrew word meaning peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility and can be used idiomatically to mean both hello and goodbye.[1][2][3]

As it does in English, it can refer to either peace between two entities (especially between man and God or between two countries), or to the well-being, welfare or safety of an individual or a group of individuals.

MY FAMILY WATCHED OVER ME NOT KNOWING GOD WAS FINISHING WHAT HE STARTED MY DELIVERANCE TRUE DELIVERANCE SOMETHING GOD DID IN 4 HOURS AT THE ALTER SOMETHING AAA MEETINGS COULD HAVE NEVER DONE FOR ME. GOD THANK YOU JESUS IF I COULD ONLY TELL IT ALL HOW WORTHY AND MAGNIFICENT YOU ARE LORD A Strong Man (strong hold ) There is nothing The Blood of Jesus cant't break (Generational Curses The very root of it The Blood of Jesus Will Will Up root Curse it to die and wither up yes he will ! Deliverance is real strongholds are real generational curses are real and they will not be broken until You cry out and call Name of Jesus denounce and follow the instructions of God concerning this it.

                     *( SINCERITY  AND REPENTANCE TO GOD)*  

In Desperation for life and death for real not all this faking and shaking' see that will get you hurt or killed by these dark forces ! Instantly the Lord Rebuked the Witchcraft that had been sent to destroy me In the prime of my life very satanic powers that tried to take me out So I could not be here to tell you this Testimony Today! UPROOTED AND DRUG BACK TO DRY PLACES ! Am I ashamed to tell it NO! I'M NOT! I'm free set free by the Blood of Jesus Play time is over Satan is here to kill anyone he can and will because our disobedience to the call of God

IT NOT ABOUT YOU OR ME IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD People of God It is the Anointing over your life the enemy is after he does not want it to come fourth ! BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT THE ANOINTING HEAR ME WELL IT'S ABOUT OBEDIENCE AND HUMILITY TO GOD

Because he knows you will be a major hitter against his kingdom of darkness he knows that you will be one to be obedient and go where God sends you AND TO WHOM HE SEND YOU . AND YOU WILL DO IT IN OBEDIENCE AND LOVE MOST OF ALL AMEN! BOLD ENOUGH TO CORRECT BUT IN LOVE SET APART AND SOLD OUT FOR CHRIST JESUS AMEN! You will the one as David to take on Goliath in whatever form that serpent comes in you will be ready to slay it A intercessor to do battle in Heavenly HIGH PLACES IN USEEN REALMS AND Dimensions AMEN.

            *RETURNING BACK TO MY FIRST LOVE*'              FROM WHENCE  I HAD I STRAYED , FALLEN              FROM REBELLION TO OBEDIENCE

To further Confirm my deliverance and my healing about 2 days after everything had settled down and i was back home shaken up in disbelief somewhat  but I knew i had to remain in a quiet place and think of all that had taken place . 

So for 7 days I was weak my bones weak I could not walk without trembling was like a new baby beginning to walk  feeling tired.  It was my appointed time of rest from all the ware and tear that I had put on my body over the years. 

Like i said to confirm what had taken place and 5 year old little girl walked up to me and said do you see the Angels they are sewing up your liver they gave you a new one!!!!  At this moment i was speechless and in shock in spite of all I had seen prior to this.                                                                                                    How could a child walk up to me without me saying a word to her and speak these words to me   ( i asked the child who told you that and what do you know about a liver she smiled and said I just know I see it you can’t see them they just finished .    

                                                               I trembled with the fear of God since that day a reverence (respect                       I knew I had been made brand new without a doubt in my mind I knew this       I have no desires to drink nor indulge with the wicked nor do I envy the wicked   but rather SOLD OUT FOR CHRIST JESUS

As A Heavenly Angelic Host Invisible to the Natural Eye go before you You see I got saved at age of 10 experienced the Holy Ghost God marked me for such a time as this Like he had marked many of you And there comes a time when God comes to collect he gets tired of the playing fed up with the filthy lifestyles

And don't you think for one second that God is not a wrathful for destroyed the inhabitants of earth numerous times for DISOBEDIENCE YES HE DID AND HE IS STILL THE SAME GOD AND HE CHANGES NOT MERCY AND GRACE YES BUT GOD JUDGES ALL SIN

EVEN HARDER ON THOSE WHO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG THOSE WHO HAVE FALLEN FROM THEIR FIRST LOVE JUST AS SATAN HAS FELL FROM HIS FIRST ESTATE CORRUPTING EARTH GOD BELOVED CREATION HUMANITY YOU AND I THE ONES HE MADE IN HIS OWN IMAGE

But don't think the Lord does not get fed up with us because he does ! Thinking we can go on playing games and playing saved playing with the HolyGhost less you will be turned over to a REPROBATED MIND

No people of God Time to call on Jesus People he can Deliver you for real not this play thing that's going on see many of you are going to church full of demons and going back home full of demons .

All in your home all in your children and their children generation to generation you are traditional and you stand for wrong because God has not truly cleaned you saved but no evidence of the Holy Ghost don't even know what the Holy Ghost is and been in church 30 years .

No respect of Fear or Reverence for the Lord Most High God Just comfortably living with Lucifer walking side by side with you're co -existing with him and most of you are fine with it pray for deliverance so that you can pray for your children and their children and get a prayer through to God for salvation is crucial in this hour souls are important.

You see this war is for souls did you not know that every man or woman That hears God voice but answers not to the call and rejects God ' That man or woman is in danger for each man hold another man path to salvation within him .

We are either obedient to the call Many are called Chosen are Few or we simply deny the call of God therefore becoming a stumbling block for others around us Those in our paths those that we are suppose to reach but rather we we stand a the door of Hells fire for being the reason that people around us are not getting saved.

You better hear me and understand this is not a game of checkers this is Chess and God is playing for keeps so is satan because he knows his destiny and divine appointment with Hell

It is not about us It is about the KINGDOM OF GOD HEAVEN WHICH IS TO COME ALL ABOUT SAVING MEN SOULS FROM THIS SPIRITUAL WAR THAT WE ARE IN. HOW WILL GOD BE EVER ABLE TO SHOW YOU THINGS IN OTHER DIMENSIONS WHEN HE CAN'T EVEN SHOW YOU YOUR ERROR IN THIS EARTHLY REALM

YES WE ALL FALL SHORT AND DISOBEDIENCE COMES IN BUT WE ARE NOT TO REMAIN IN SIN WADDLING LIKE A PIG IN A PIG PEN FULL OF MUD. Without Deliverance we can't do anything effectively Lord wake us up from this deep slumber and sleep !

FATHER GOD IN JESUS NAME TO THOSE THAT ARE READING THIS AND THE MAY BE LOST RIGHT NOW FATHER MAY NOT KNOW YOU MAY BE ADDICTED TO ALCOHOL OR DRUG ABUSE OR ANY STRONG HOLD THAT HAS A GRIP UPON THEIR LIFE DELIVER THOSE THAT ARE TRULY SEEKING YOU FATHER THOSE THAT CALL ON YOUR NAME INTERVENE LORD YOU REBUKE THE DEVOUR OF ENEMY FOR THEM FATHER THAT THEY MAY BE DELIVERED FROM A STATE OF CONFUSION NO LONGER A MANIPULATED DEAD BUT AWAKE WITHIN THEM FLOWING LIVING WATERS FATHER IN CHRIST JESUS NAME AMEN!

WE ARE NOT IN A WAR AGAINST MEN BUT RATHER  THE EVIL SPIRITS THAT ARE WORKING THROUGH PEOPLE THIS IS MY TESTIMONY HOPE IT HELPED SOMEONE ALL EVENTS I HAVE STATED TO YOU ARE TRUE (TRUE EVENTS ) THERE WHERE WITNESSES TO IN MY HOME WHO SAW THESE THINGS THERE WHERE WITNESSES INT HE CHURCH AS WELL WHY THIS IS THE PATH THAT MY LIFE TOOK I QUESTION NOT ALL I KNOW IS THIS AND I KNOW IT WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT

John 8:36 “If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.”

SO IT’S OK IF YOU LOOK AT ME DIFFERENT READING THIS BLOG.                  MANY SOULS ARE IN BONDAGE AND CAPTIVITY AND ARE IN NEED TO BE SET FREE AMEN.  JESUS CAME TO SEPARATE WITH A SWORD OF RIGHTEOUSNESS HE DID NOT COME TO BRING TOGETHER BUT RIGHTFULLY DIVIDE AMEN.

Matthew 10:34 King James Version (KJV)34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. 

We are working on a autobiography & book on the supernatural  new music  If in the will of God amen. Our Ministry is without walls Is preparing for  summer  of 2018 we will be Ministering the Gospel, Food Ministry to the homeless , Clothing Ministry , Deliverance Ministry FULL CIRCLE GLORY MINISTRIES  Prophetess Sonya Lorraine                                                                         

[willspoemsforliving]

SUICIDE:  Is it a Sickness or a Choice?

SUICIDE:  IS IT A SICKNESS OR A CHOICE? June 2018 As so often happens, with our attention spans constantly shrinking, the media competition requires we be drawn into every event that occurs during any given day.  The consequences of this have been discussed at length elsewhere, and are well known – though we appear to be doing absolutely nothing to correct this growing threat to any continuity in our society.  I mention the media as it brought to our collective attention - like it or not -  the suicide this week of two relatively engaging, but frankly minor celebrities.  Two suicides in this group doesn’t really merit the “Breaking News” headline.  In fact, an argument could be made that it is vulgar and a sign of disrespect for the concerned individuals that such a fuss was made about it.  But since no one seems to care much about discretion or propriety anymore, the issue that does deserve our attention and which relates to both these individuals, is not so much them, but their suicide. Suicide has been rejected in most Judeo-Christian-Islamic cultures as a sin, essentially taking from God the life he gave us, without his permission.  In many pre-Christian, indigenous cultures, ritual suicide was widely viewed as a generous act designed to either placate an angry god or ensure his benevolence going forward.  A prized citizen would be called upon to sacrifice their lives for the collective good.  So, it would be an error to start from the premise that suicide has always been something to be avoided by all cultures.   There are other instances when individuals find themselves in situations where they are left with a choice – to save themselves or others.  Military heroes have committed a form of suicide and are honored for it.  Parents can find themselves in situations where they say, and may indeed execute, on their willingness to give their lives for that of their children or spouse.  Religious martyrs are another example, interestingly elevated to sainthood by the very institution which forbids sacrificing oneself – unless the sacrifice is designed to benefit the sanctioning institution.   So, it becomes obvious that once again, our penchant for oversimplification has resurfaced.  It is quite possible that our societal aversion to suicide may reflect our endemic narcissism, and the culture of self-gratification which has replaced any notion of self-sacrifice, manifesting itself in an exaggerated sense of self-worth along with a similarly exaggerated sense of fragility.   Governments usually  disapprove of suicide, as it does abortion and euthanasia., some even going so far as to view contraception as somehow contravening God’s law.  In my view, governments want order, and suicide is the ultimate rebellion of a citizen.  It also reflects poorly on the statistical record of an administration if suicides are on the rise. Interestingly, to better control the population, and any penchant a segment may have for suicide – often due to external circumstances related to diverse forms of hopelessness – the issue has been medicalized.  And once this has been accomplished, suicide becomes a form of preventable disease, treatable with different forms of behavioral and pharmaceutical therapies.  Lost in this wave of official good intentions, is the very reason why an individual has arrived at a state of despair such that leaving this world appears to be a more attractive option than remaining in it.  Even if explored, it is done superficially for questions of cost, collaboration and demand.   Of course, there are serious interests at stake here, including careers, huge sums of public and private money, institutions, insurance companies, social services, prevention services, philanthropic organizations, researchers, public health officials, and the list goes on.  Their goal is, of course, to provide assistance.  But as often happens in this area, the goal becomes as much the development of the institution as the assistance they may provide. In my early days as a psychotherapist, I had a patient who was referred to me by a neurologist for chronic depression.  She was a school teacher, in her fifties, born in harsh and rural circumstances, with an extremely cold and terrifying father who banished all forms of affection, tenderness, warmth from her life.  Education allowed her to escape her family, and she became a primary school teacher in a small city not far from where she grew up.  She had become a lesbian – not surprising given the forbidding nature of the men she was exposed to – though an immature, quite naïve and idealistic one.  Central to her problem was the face that all forms of pleasure had been excised from her life, and though she missed closeness, joy, connection, and could talk about their absence, she was incapable of forming any mature relationship.   When I first met her, the friendship she had shared with a fellow teacher over a number of years had come to an end, as my patient wasn’t able to step out of her impossible fantasy of unrequited love, and into some form of reality where a  reciprocal friendship could develop. I saw her for about two years, and she was a reliable participant – at least in terms of keeping her appointments.  But beyond that, all forms of constructive thought were simply not available to her.  And though we discussed this at length, and she was fully aware of the problem, her identity had become so entwined with a self-image based on poverty, frustration, absence of pleasure, unrequited love, that for her to change, her entire life story would have to be rewritten.  Her early life experience had become her destiny, a self-fulfilling prophesy from which she simply could not free herself.  To do so would erase her identity, her sense of self as all suffering, deserving of nothing.  And the prospect of that was more frightening than any other. She was self-aware enough to realize this, and pragmatic enough to see that at her age, with her attitude, experience, and almost happily failing health, there were to be no second acts for her.  What she believed from the start was now manifest, opening the door to the next step.  The question then became what were they?  Since continuing to suffer as a reason for her existence was achieved, it appeared on an exit could offer her to affirmation and freedom life had denied her. Why, you might wonder, continue?  I felt at the time that I was a source of fresh air for her, and that it kept her going.  And as long as she continued to come, I believed that she had not yet eliminated all options for herself.  Rather abruptly, she disappeared.  I became concerned, tried calling her, all to no avail.   After a short while, I contacted the neurologist who had referred her to me, who was also my friend, to alert him to the situation, and ask his opinion as to the opportunity of alerting the police to this possible suicide.  His attitude was more detached, more rational than mine.   In essence, he said that she was never going to change, that the purpose of her life had been set, and it was to be perennially unhappy.  She knew this too.  So, from his perspective, and he articulated it in unmistakable terms, if she was so inclined, and had no further desire to endure her existence, then suicide might be, in fact, the best solution. I was taken aback by this, caught up in the collective mindset that all suicides must be prevented – but never questioned how valid this assumption was. For her to kill herself would be a failure of mine - or so I thought at the time.  But the real failure was not to see what she was really doing -  tying off loose ends, getting ready for her exit - on her terms..   Other authors have raised this issue in more depth than I will do here, and some have come to a similar conclusion as my neurologist friend.   There may indeed come a time in a person’s life when hope can cannot be renewed, when continuing becomes the irrational choice, if we manage to see things from their perspective.  Our own fear of death gets in the way of understanding that for those for whom life is more a burden than a source of any form of pleasure, our fear is no longer theirs.   The obvious question then becomes, by right can our blindness to their true suffering empower us to deprive them of what has always been missing, but can be found in that final moment of affirmation?   As we know, most first attempts are calls for help.  But for those who choose a definitive, infallable answer, should we not consider their point of view as being at least, if not more, valid than our own. Of course help should be offered whenever asked for.  And prevention can be most effective in children and adolescents whose character is insufficiently formed  to withstand external events which may be overwhelming for a time.  But there are others whose very life set them on a course where they never had a chance to find their place in this world.  Where every effort met with defeat (or so it seemed to them), and where for reasons clear to any who care to really acknowledge the suffering, the struggle these people endure for years with little to no respite is indeed heroic in the same way as military heroes choosing their own end to save others, martyrs who die for a greater purpose, saints who give their lives for God - the list is long.   There comes a time for these people when all strength fails them, when the prospect of another day in their lives is unbearable, and putting an end to their lives at the time, the place and in the manner they chose, can be completely liberating.   The problem comes from the outside, where because we fear our own death, we think we are protecting our own by forcing others to live.  The medical profession has embraced the mental health perspective, where every life should be saved, no matter the cost, not to society, but to the individual.  It can be, for the concerned individual, worse than a life sentence in prison, for at least there, they would know where they belong.  You can prop them up, solve all their practical problems, and still, their sense of self is so closely tied to defeat, that suicide can become the only salvation. Are these people sick?  Should they be obligated to be medicated so that whatever life force they may still have is suppressed so the strength required to end their lives with some dignity is taken from them.  And the final statement whereby they decide where, how and when they will leave what, for them, has always been a vail of tears is denied. I have published a book recently, available on Amazon.com, addressing this issue from the perspective of a very personal experience with a young man  I tried to help.  If you want to see exactly what I mean, under which circumstances someone can reach a point where either madness or suicide will rescue them from their daily hell, you might want to read it.  * In closing, Think about some of the arbitrary positions societies have taken in its own self interest.  Consider the suffering, often in silence, some individuals are called upon  to endure, and through no fault of their own.  Feel their plight, a condition where they have struggled all their lives, to no avail, and finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Is if really for others to define an individual’s right to finally claim their own dignity, freedom, and ability to choose? Should we go so far, be so consequential, as to offer these people an infallible, humane way to leave this world?  I’m not sure, for to do so, would institutionalize the decision, impose evaluations, consultations, regulations, and a burdensome administrative process which would remove all dignity and respect from the process.  Just look at what we are doing with abortion clinics and Planned Parenthood in some states.   Is there an easy answer?  In a sense, yes.  Help whenever requested, whenever needed, and not just in the moment.  Rare is a brief push sufficient, and to set someone already on the way down to a new failure is beyond cruel.  But I don’t believe it is either humane or even right to stigmatize what may be a final act, and not as desperate as we portray it, of self-affirmation.  Insofar as no one chooses one’s own destiny, if the cards one has drawn offer only a losing hand, how is it unreasonable or some  sign of mental illness (debunked by the latest statistics which suggest that 54% of suicides have no record of any mental health issue, though rejected by the prevention community as misleading), to realize, being in full possession of one’s means, that it's time to pick up one's chips and leave the game?  For good.

*THE LEFTOVERS OF GOD'S ANGER - The Chris Chronicles https://www.amazon.com/s?field-keywords=leftovers+of+God%27s+Anger

[dovechim]

it’s okay, that’s love 02

➾ water polo player!jimin x psychiatrist!reader ft ot7 ➾ warnings: mentions of blood, mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, ocd, split personality disorder etc), self harm, angst, fluff, smut ➾ word count: 9.5k ➾ please read part one first if you haven’t!

01 | 02

➾ disclaimer: this is purely a work of fiction and i do not claim to be a qualified mental health professional. this work is not intended to provide any medical advice of any sort, please consult a licensed physician instead.

➾ summary: you’ve always managed to keep your work and personal life strictly separated, but new housemates means that boundaries are crossed, defences are raised and feelings are hurt. maybe kim taehyung is right after all- but that doesn’t mean you’ll ever admit it. 

“I just don’t get it,” you slouch over the couch in the break room, not caring if your coat gets wrinkled underneath your weight. “I just don’t understand any of this.”

“I know right, how can someone lack that much compassion?” Taehyung wrestles with two packs of ramen noodles as he empties them into the pot of boiling water and replaces the lid. “Ugh I’m so craving a chicken burger from Burger King right now but I swear Irene sunbae is literally guarding that door.”

“What? What are you talking about?” The smell of piping hot instant ramen stirs your appetite and persuades you to get up from the couch and make your way to the table. 

Taehyung pauses as he lifts the lid to crack two eggs in. “Wait, you weren’t talking about her? Then who- oh! Our landlord? Yeah, I can’t believe she kicked us out over my sex life…”

At the mention of your currently evicted status, you reach to hit him square on the forehead with the back of your spoon, satisfied when it makes a loud thwack and he flinches in pain. “No, I was talking about Park Jimin, my newest patient. He just seems like such a sweet, innocent boy but yet he’s capable of such violence… It just doesn’t make any sense.”

“You know what they say, it’s always the quiet ones,” Taehyung leers at you as he reaches to uncover the pot of steaming noodles and begins to dig in.

You open your mouth to tell him that he can go fuck himself, but he somehow manages to stuff an entire chopstick’s worth of noodles in and it burns your tongue, but succeeds in getting you to shut up for at least 5 minutes.

“Anyway, I have a suggestion,” Taehyung says in the midst of a mouthful of noodles.

Indulging in a mini duel with him over the last egg yolk, you don’t bother acknowledging him as you concentrate on successfully scooping it onto your spoon without breaking it.

“Aren’t you gonna ask me what it is?”

You narrow your eyes at him, but choose to humour him anyway. “What is it?”

“You should go see him at practice. I mean, most of his aggression manifests during games right? So maybe you should observe him at ground zero, y’know what I mean?” He takes a sip from his coffee cup.

You take a moment to seriously consider his suggestion, and you have to admit that it does make a lot of sense, which you weren’t expecting. “Wow. You’re actually capable of saying something useful for once. Thanks, Tae.”

“That’s so not true, I say useful things all the time, like- oh speaking of, Jimin was the one who rescheduled that time right? He was originally supposed to be with me.” Taehyung stands to carry the pot to the sink, and you follow him to toss your chopsticks in as he starts the tap to wash up.

“Yeah, why?”

“You sure you can manage an extra patient on top of all those that you have? He sounds like he’s gonna take up a lot of your time, especially if you need to take time off from your shifts to go see him.” Taehyung shoots you a concerned look as he reaches for the dish soap. “Maybe you should pass one of your other patients to me. How about Namjoon, the out-patient?”

“I don’t know, won’t Irene throw a fit or something? She said no transferring of patients amongst ourselves. Sejeong almost got kicked out of residency for doing that in her first month, remember?”

“It’ll be fine, besides, I think she’s even more likely to get on my case for having a lesser workload than the other residents. It’s not really switching, per se, and his case is simple enough for me to handle.” 

You’re a little hesitant to agree to this, although Taehyung is right and you could really do with one less patient. Your schedule right now is completely filled to the brim, but all those years in med school and internships you’ve learned to get used to a hectic work life with almost no personal or social life, so it doesn’t really bother you. Work is life, life is work. It’s simply the fate you chose when entering med school, and it’s something you’ve accepted long ago. But you wouldn’t want Taehyung to get in trouble either for having one less patient than the rest of you, especially since your residency period is so close to being over. 

“Okay, I guess, I’ll leave his stuff on your desk later,” you reluctantly agree.

*

“Noona! What brings you here?” Jeongguk greets you in surprise with his white shirt almost halfway over his head as he disrobes for the start of training, so his voice comes out a little muffled.

“Oh, just thought of dropping by since I had a free afternoon,” you casually lie to him; you had to beg and plead for Sejeong to take over your afternoon rounds for the day.

“Jimin-hyung will be so excited that you’re here- JIMIN-SSI!!!” He bellows in the direction of the changing rooms as he tosses his white shirt onto the steps of the spectator’s gallery.

“Wait, don’t call him over, I don’t want him to know-“

Too late. Jimin comes bounding out of the male changing room, already stripped to his training attire of swim trunks. He scans your general direction for a couple of seconds, eyes narrowed against the harsh glare of the sun before he spots you and Jeongguk on the steps and jogs over with a grin on his face.

“_____, you didn’t tell me you were coming!” He reaches the step below you in an instant. 

“Oh, I um…” you’re trying to come up with a believable excuse as to why you’re here, but your brain goes blank at that moment. Maybe it’s because of the unrelenting sweltering heat of the midday sun, or the fact that the square inch area of exposed bare skin has just doubled upon Jimin’s arrival. 

You really need to desensitize yourself to all this semi nudity. 

“I just wanted to observe you for a bit,” you finally say lamely, and Jimin’s eyes widen in realisation. 

���Oh, did Seokjin-hyung ask you to?” His enthusiasm seems to die down a little, evident in the way his grin fades a little as he contemplates that you might be here on purely professional grounds only, not to see him. 

You give him a muted nod in response, heaving a sigh of relief when Seokjin emerges from a distance away and gathers everyone with a blow of his whistle and the threat of extra laps around the pool.

As the team starts their warmup exercises, you duck back under the shade and pull out your tablet, running through your previous notes to refresh your memory. After a while, Seokjin sets up a practice game within the players and joins you on the sidelines.

“_____, thanks for coming.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. I just wanted to, y’know, observe him in his element, at ground zero, as we would call it.” A smile crosses your face when you use Taehyung’s self-coined term.

“And how is it so far?” He peers towards the pool, keeping an eye on every movement, every pass that the players make.

“Nothing unusual to report so far, unfortunately,” you watch the players toss the ball back and forth across the length of the pool. “He seems like a really great team player, doesn’t hog the ball and passes well to others, yet still manages to display individual tenacity and strength that makes up a good portion of the overall team’s effectiveness.” 

“Wow, that was really accurate,” Seokjin turns to you with an impressed look on his face. “I’ve been training that boy for years now, and I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

“I can see why you’ve never given up on him after all these years. He really does have the potential to show so much more than what I saw at his last game.” You watch as Jimin playfully dunks Jeongguk’s head under the water after effortlessly scoring a goal. “And this is off topic, but Jeongguk stands out a lot too.”

“Yeah, he’s what we call the centre, kinda like the equivalent of a quarterback, mainly due to his size. That boy is a beast, has been one ever since college even though he’s the youngest on the team. He’s like our golden boy, with him we’ve never lost a match before. Imagine if Jeongguk and Jimin could play a full game together…” Seokjin releases a deep sigh.

“But he seems okay today,” you turn to him. “Jimin, I mean. He hasn’t had an episode yet, even though the other side has gained possession of the ball quite a few times already. That’s what set him off last time, right?”

Seokjin shakes his head. “It only happens during official games. During practice matches he’s absolutely fine, no trace of foul play anywhere.”

Violent behaviour is not tied down to a particular external trigger. You look away from the gameplay in the pool to type this observation down before returning your attention to the pink haired boy in the pool roughhousing with his teammates, except with an overjoyed grin on his face, not a ferocious, malicious glower.

Seokjin allows the boys a few more moments in the pool before he wraps up the training session and dismisses them. You remain in your seat deep in thought till you realise that Jeongguk is trying to get your attention from the shallower side of the pool.

“Noona! Noona, come quickly, I think Jimin has a cramp!” Your eyes fly over to Jimin’s thrashing form slightly further away, and your heart skips a panicked beat.

Seokjin is nowhere to be found, having long ago disappeared into the changing rooms. You abandon your tablet and bag on the stands, keeping your eyes firmly on the pink head of hair as you approach the side of the pool.

You’re two steps away from diving in yourself, not even pausing to question why Jeongguk looks so calm with his best friend almost drowning not even a metre away from him. But then you notice something strange- this part of the pool is shallow enough for Jimin’s feet to touch the ground, and it looks like only the upper part of his body is struggling, which means-

SPLASH! Jeongguk grabs the backs of your knees and pulls, causing you to fall face first into the water if he hadn’t caught you in his arms. Still, you sputter as his arms surround your waist and he pulls you close to his body, your legs kicking feebly as you gasp and cough. 

“J-jeon Jeongguk!” You screech at him in fury as you push and slap at his chest, and he lets you go with a howl of laughter.

A few paces away, Jimin is almost doubled over in laughter as well, clutching his sides in the water as he wades towards you. He places his hands on your shoulders as he grins at you with pure unadulterated elation. “_____, are you okay?” 

“NO,” you spit out the heavy taste of chlorine in your mouth. “I haven’t been in a pool since like high school, and you just broke my record. I was gonna call up the Guinness Book of Records tomorrow, but I guess that won’t work now.”

Jimin only collapses into more peals of laughter as his head lurches forward, resting on your collarbone as he giggles. 

“Ah, I can’t believe you fell for that, noona,” Jeongguk has a smug little look on his face. “Oh, since you just happen to be in the pool, Yugyeom bets that I can’t beat him in a chicken fight.”

“You can’t, dickhead!” A blonde haired boy at the other end of the pool yells out immediately upon hearing his name. 

Jeongguk rolls his eyes. “And he’s right, I can’t win in a chicken fight against him, not with all these fat asses on the team.” He shifts his gaze toward Jimin playfully, but his head is still buried in your neck. 

Suddenly, your cheeks grow hot as you realise how intimate the two of you look, so you gently push Jimin away, putting some distance in between.

“But I can win if it’s you, noona,” his tone is imploring, doe eyes wide as he tugs on your hand. “Please just help me out this once, if I lose Yugyeom’s gonna take my character on Overwatch the next time we play!”

“Um… is that a bad thing?”

“Um… duh??” He looks at you as if you have three heads. “Widowmaker is my favourite!!!” 

“Just play McCree then,” Jimin is surveying your less than thrilled reaction, trying to give you an escape from Jeongguk’s insistent pleading.

“But Widowmaker is hotter- and I shouldn’t be listening to a guy who makes his team carry him all the damn time,” Jeongguk shoots back. 

You have absolutely no idea what they’re talking about, and honestly, all you want to do right now is take a hot shower and curl up in bed. Preferably not the one in the resident’s room, but then you remember your current eviction status, and dread courses through you. 

“Fine- if I do this, will you let me out of this damn pool?”

“Wait- really? Yes!! Of course, thank you noona!” Jeongguk’s eyes light up in excitement. “Yugyeom, you little shit, I’m gonna beat your ass today!”

“Wait, who will be paired with Yugyeom?” You watch as Yugyeom approaches your side of the pool, and Jeongguk greets him with an elaborate handshake that involves way too much dabbing, rivalry temporarily forgotten.

Boys. 

“Huh? Oh, Jimin-hyung of course,” he grins in excitement just as Yugyeom’s face falls when he realises why Jeongguk is so confident of his chances, the reason being your soaked figure. “Oh, this is gonna be too easy, noona we’re definitely gonna win this.”

“Wait, you get a pretty girl on your shoulders and all I get is this pink haired elephant??”

Jimin snags Yugyeom’s ear between two fingers, tugging with a pressure that makes him apologise immediately. “I’m still your hyung, brat, and I’m not afraid to choke you with these thighs.”

Jeongguk lowers himself in the water, extending a hand towards you. “Noona, get on my shoulders, I promise I won’t drop you.”

Heaving a sigh, you shoot up a quick prayer for patience and for divine protection as you take his hand, positioning yourself behind him and raising one of your legs to the lowered height of his shoulder and sliding your thigh onto his shoulder. Thank God you chose to wear dark coloured shorts today, although the same can’t be said for your light pink tank top.

With his help, you manage to secure your legs on his shoulders, and he stands to his full height with his hands on your upper thighs providing stability. Suddenly the bottom of the pool feels so much further away, and you can’t help but grip onto the strands of his wet hair, tugging on his scalp instinctively.

“Yah- ah noona,” Jeongguk grunts in pain as he takes a few test steps.

“Ah shit, sorry Kookie,” you immediately let go of his hair, but then you struggle to find somewhere else to place them, feeling as if you’re flailing and floundering ungracefully atop his broad shoulders. 

“Relax, noona,” Jeongguk’s calm voice sounds from below, and you can literally feel the vibrations in his chest from where your calves come into contact with the rest of him. He squeezes your knee in an attempt to soothe you. “Tighten your thighs over my shoulders if you feel like you’ll fall. Here, like this,” he pushes the tops of your knees downwards in demonstration. “Just remember not to squeeze sideways like thunder thighs over there.”

At the mention of Jimin, you glance over to him and realise that he’s already astride Yugyeom’s shoulders, his eyes fixed on where Jeongguk’s hands are resting on your upper thighs, left bare as your shorts ride up. He seems to be perfectly at ease atop the other man’s shoulders, a complete opposite of your ungraceful, quivering form.

“It takes a little bit of getting used to, you just need to wiggle around till you find your centre of balance,” Jeongguk approaches the other pair slowly. “You can hold my ears if you need to noona,” he says in an amused tone.

“It’s okay, I-I’m fine,” you try to do as he says and adjust your position atop him, feeling awkward with Jimin watching you so intently, all traces of his cheerful disposition having vanished from his face upon seeing Jeongguk’s hands on your thighs.

“We’ll go easy on you guys, at least till ____ stops looking as if she’s about to jump out of a plane without a parachute,” Jimin squeezes his thighs together, prodding Yugyeom forward even as the man under him protests.

“Ready noona? Yugyeom won’t last long under Jimin-hyung,” Jeongguk reassures you as he comes face to face with Yugyeom.

Jimin raises his hands in defense, and you copy his actions. “Ready… set… go!!” 

You attack first, reaching forward to make contact with Jimin’s palms and push him backwards. But Yugyeom deftly steps back to avoid you, and you tip forward precariously. Jeongguk rapidly advances a few paces in order to help you keep your balance, and you unconsciously grab at his forehead, your heart in your mouth.

“Fucking coward!” Jeongguk provokes them when he really shouldn’t, not when you’re so wobbly and unstable like this, not when you actually have a teeny tiny fear of heights-

Yugyeom charges forward, and Jimin attacks with a determined look on his face, reaching for your outstretched hands. But Jeongguk stands his ground in the water with his legs braced wide apart for impact, and he doesn’t budge a single inch. His hands slide upwards to grip onto your inner thighs, keeping you firmly in place, and his fingers dig into your soft flesh.

Jimin’s eyes flicker downwards to take in this sight, and once you see that he’s distracted, you immediately go in for the kill. You lean forward slightly, and Jeongguk senses your impending attack, taking a few steps forward, providing the momentum as you push hard at Jimin’s firm, bare chest, catching him off guard. He’s too busy staring at Jeongguk’s tanned fingers grasping your soft skin, and he loses his balance. Yugyeom attempts to salvage the situation by retreating hastily, but it’s too late- Jimin’s center of gravity pulls him down into the water with a splash, and Yugyeom goes down with him.

“Yes!! Widowmaker is mine!!!” Jeongguk slaps the surface of the water in jubilation, showering the two of you in water droplets. The thrill and adrenaline of winning races through your veins, and you find yourself joining in on his carefree laughter as the two of you watch Jimin and Yugyeom resurface.

“Jimin-hyung maybe you should stop bulking and do some cardio- ow okay ahhh I’m sorry I was just joking!!” Yugyeom twists away as Jimin tweaks his nipples harshly, and you feel the laughter all the way in the pit of your stomach, and it aches.

“Jeongguk, you owe me one. Help me get off,” you tug at his earlobe to get his attention.

“Anytime, noona, just tell me where you want me,” Jeongguk smirks, and he never misses a chance at innuendo that’s a fact about him that you know all too well. He crouches down so that you can slip off his shoulders and land safely with your feet firmly on the tiles of the pool.

Across from you Yugyeom is hastily demanding a rematch, citing unfair advantages, Jimin looks moody and slightly annoyed as he heads for the side of the pool. You hurry after him, struggling to wade through the shallow waters since you’ve never been a strong swimmer, worried that he might have another violent outbreak because of this.

“Jimin, wait,” you pant as you reach the wall, glancing around for the stairs that you can use to climb out, but it’s all the way over at the other end. Damn it.

Jimin is already a few paces out of the pool, but he pauses when you call his name and turns around to face you.

“Are you okay?” You ask hesitantly, studying his expression intently for any signs of anger or frustration. But he schools his features into neutrality as he reaches down to grasp your hands and pulls you out of the pool in one swift motion. A little floored by his unexpected action and pure strength, you have to grasp his waist for balance, but you pull away almost immediately.

“I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” He sounds a little amused as he watches the red blush spread over your cheeks.

“Oh, um… just asking,” you answer lamely, shivering when a blast of the wind hits. “You don’t happen to have any spare clothes do you? I would ask Jeongguk since he’s mainly responsible for this, but he’s still…”

The both of you look over to Jeongguk who’s still play fighting in the water with Yugyeom.

“Yeah of course! Come wait in our locker room while I get you some stuff to dry off? Everyone’s mostly gone already anyway.” Jimin guides you in the direction with a hand between your shoulder blades.

He rummages in his locker for a couple of moments before tossing you a light blue sweatshirt and grey sweatpants together with a fluffy yellow towel. It’s a little weird to enter the stall next to him and start stripping to rinse the chlorine from your skin, but it’d be even weirder to make things awkward and leave just to go to the women’s toilet, so you suck it up. Similar sounds of water running come from next door, and you try your best not to be too uncomfortable about this as you quickly dry off and squeeze as much water out from your bra as possible. Thankfully the satin material doesn’t absorb much water, so you make sure to dry the surface of the bra cups so it doesn’t soak through Jimin’s sweatshirt and put it on. Deciding to go commando since your underwear can’t be salvaged, you hope Jimin won’t pause to think too much about the logistics of what you’re wearing, or not wearing.

Jimin is already waiting outside while towelling dry his pink hair, fluffing it up with a similar yellow towel draped around his shoulders.

“How does your hair not fade with all that chlorine?” You watch as he styles the cotton candy hued strands of hair with his fingers.

“A lot of bleach, and constant retouches,” he laughs as he glances at you in the mirror. “In fact, I was just gonna ask you if you were willing to help me touch up this month. It’s kinda hard to do it on my own, and Jeongguk always does a shit job at it.”

“What about Yoongi?”

“Yoongi-hyung doesn’t even come out of his room. Sometimes I go like three days without talking to him and I have to knock on his door to make sure he’s alive. But then he just swears at me and tells me to get out.”

“Sounds about right,” you grin at his accurate depiction. Pulling out your phone to check the time, you see that you have three missed calls from Taehyung, ranging from an hour ago to 20 minutes ago and then just 5 minutes ago.

“Hold on, I need to make a call real quick okay?” You say to Jimin before dialling Taehyung back. “What is it?”

“Finally?? Where are you now? Did you drown in the pool or something?” Taehyung immediately answers the call.

“Something like that,” a smile tugs at the corner of your lips. “What did you want? Is Irene-sunbae asking for me? Just tell her that I took an afternoon off, and I’ll be back really soon-”

“No, no it’s not that. It’s nothing to do with work, geez just relax for a second. It’s good news.”

“Every time you say that, I start preparing for the worst, you know that right?”

You can almost imagine Taehyung rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. “No, it’s good news, _____, I promise. I found a solution to our housing problem, and the landlord is really amazing! He said we can move in as soon as possible, so I wanted to ask you to come back to the house to help pack all our stuff and we can start moving in.” 

It sounds too good to be true, but Taehyung has a knack of solving problems you couldn’t in the past. “Really? That’s so amazing, I’m about to head back right now-”

“Drop a pin on your location and I’ll come get you? I’m getting in an Uber right now.”

“Okay, see you in a bit.” You hang up only to find Jimin staring at you, and you raise an eyebrow at him, and he smiles that shy smile of his when he’s been caught.

“Boyfriend?” Jimin can’t help but ask, even though it doesn’t sound like you would be talking to your boyfriend, but he figures this is an excellent chance to find out if you’re single, and he isn’t going to let it go to waste.

“Oh, ugh no,” you wrinkle your nose at the thought of dating Taehyung, not because you didn’t find him attractive, but because you’ve known him for way too long to ever think of him in that way. “Just my best friend who got us kicked out of our apartment last week.”

“Ouch, that’s rough,” Jimin follows as you head for the exit of the changing room, and he can’t help but admire how good your butt looks in his sweatpants. For once he thanks his lucky stars that Jeongguk was distracted and didn’t offer you his own clothes, because seeing you dressed in his oversized sweatshirt does things to him that should be illegal. “You need a place to crash then? But you said you stay in the hospital residents’ room right?”

“Yeah, but our residency is ending soon so we need to find somewhere else that’s a little more permanent. And besides, staying there is so depressing, it’s literally like a hellhole.” You wrap your hair in his towel so that it won’t drip all over your clothes. “Taehyung’s coming to pick me up, but thanks Jimin. I’ll return you these at our next session okay?”

“No it’s okay, take your time,” Jimin watches as you check your phone for the Uber driver’s plate number. He wishes he was as outgoing and charming as Jeongguk to flirt and touch you like he did in the pool earlier, but the notion of you coming here to check up on him as just another patient diminishes his confidence, a problem that he’s never had before. As he waves you goodbye, the thought that you’ll only ever see him as a patient, as someone who’s less than whole, makes his heart sit heavily in the middle of his chest.

*

“Tae, you never mentioned how you managed to find an apartment so quickly,” you wipe the sweat off your brow as you shift the last of the boxes out of the apartment, leaving it empty and bare.

“Oh, didn’t I? I was just talking to one of my patients about how my insensitive landlord kicked me out, and he said he just happened to have extra rooms for rent. Turns out my patient was a landlord too, so everything worked out perfectly!” He grins at you proudly, as if expecting some kind of thanks or praise.

Instead, you frown in disapproval. “Tae, you know we’re not supposed to talk about our personal lives with patients. That’s really unprofessional.”

The move-in truck is waiting downstairs, so he grabs the heavier boxes and starts his way down the steps. “Relax, _____, it’s no big deal. I just wanted to build some rapport with him, and to make him feel at ease a little. He looked really tense and anxious, so I had to talk about something unrelated to take his mind off things.”

“Who is this patient? Is he new?” You unload your box into the back of the truck and climb in, waiting for Taehyung to join you before you knock on the side of the truck to let the driver know that he can set off.

“It’s Namjoon, the one you passed to me.”

You raise your eyebrows in surprise. “He’s a landlord? Wow, that’s really convenient, I guess. You really came in useful this time, brat.” You reach to mess up his hair fondly, which he hates.

“I didn’t want to stay a second longer with that awful demoness of a landlord.”

It’s a little uncomfortable riding in the back with all the boxes of stuff, but the journey isn’t long and the truck pulls up to a small little villa of apartments that sits on a hill. There are two rows of units that flank a row of steps leading to the top of the hill, and the steps are lined with potted plants and flowers that you assume belong to the residents who stay there, giving off a romantic and cosy vibe. The apartment building is decked out in bright pastel colours on the outside, with cute little artworks and decorations scattered all over.

“Wow, this is incredible! It looks like a mini resort getaway,” you comment to Taehyung as he helps you down from the truck. You’d never imagine being able to find a place like this in Seoul. “Wait, how much does this cost?”

“Don’t worry, ____, the landlord gave us a special rate when I mentioned you were my roommate too,” Taehyung starts to unload some of the boxes. “Namjoon-hyung’s really cool.”

“Namjoon-hyung? Tae, you know what I said about getting close to our patients.”

“It’s fine, besides, if I didn’t get so friendly with him, we wouldn’t have been able to stay here!” He scrolls through his phone for the address that Namjoon texted him, and even though you disapprove of his approach and demeanour around his patients, it’s not something you can control. “It’s the 3rd apartment on the left. The existing tenants are in today, so we can just knock.”

You bend down to pick up a box and start heading up the stairs, pausing to prop it on your hip when you reach the correct door and ring the doorbell. There’s a scuffle of feet sounding inside, followed by a male voice of acknowledgement before the door opens, only to reveal-

“Jeongguk?”

“Noona! What are you doing here?” His eyes spot the box on your hip and then widen in realisation. “OH, you’re our new flatmate? Namjoon-hyung said you were moving in today!” 

“Wait, what?? You live here? D-does that mean Yoongi and Jimin also live here?” You almost drop the box in shock at the realisation, and Jeongguk hurriedly opens the gate to relieve you of the burden before you drop it on your foot.

“Yeah, but there’s still plenty of room in this apartment, there’s like 3 unused rooms still,” Jeongguk peers out past you to spot Taehyung struggling with the remainder of the boxes. “I’ll get Jimin-hyung to come help, just wait here a moment okay? Or wait, actually, just come in noona!” 

Every single bone in your body is filled with hesitation as you kick off your shoes and pad into the apartment. The living room and common area is small but tidy, and it’s conjoined to the kitchen area, separated by a dining table with four chairs. Jeongguk sets the box down before knocking on the first door in the hallway, one you assume to be Jimin’s. The second door opens and Yoongi’s head peeks out to find out the source of all the noise, and he pauses just a second when he sees you standing in the living room. 

“JIMIN-SSI!!” Jeongguk’s yell practically shakes the entire apartment as he pounds on Jimin’s door. “He’s a real heavy sleeper, some mornings I have to literally pour ice water on him.”

The door swings open and a sleepy looking Jimin emerges, his eyes half open and with the messiest bedhead you’ve ever seen. His eyes widen comically to twice their size when he registers you in his house, and for an awkward moment, you fidget on the spot with the gazes of three men fixed on you.

Until Taehyung bursts into the apartment and shatters the awkward silence with a shout. “Home sweet home!!”

“Um, Taehyung-” You’re interrupted when he greets Jeongguk with the half hug, half hand clasp that all guys seem to do, that somehow evolves into a dab and the nae nae. They seem to be getting along so well already, and you roll your eyes. “Tae…”

He greets Jimin the same way, although seems to realise that he can’t pull it off with Yoongi, and accords him a respectful bow instead. Satisfied, Yoongi gives him a taciturn nod before disappearing back into his room.

“Taehyung…” You rarely ever use his full name like this, but when you do, he knows it’s serious. So he turns to you with a questioning look on his face.

“What is it? Did we get like the wrong unit or something?”

“We need to talk. Outside. Now.”

Jimin and Jeongguk watch as the two of you step outside for a moment, and Jeongguk starts to follow when Jimin stops him with a hand on his wrist. “Um, do you guys want me to move the rest of the stuff into the house?”

“Just hold up a second okay Jeongguk?” Your voice sounds particularly stressed and a little frantic, and Jeongguk mumbles an “okay noona” and leaves you alone with Taehyung outside the apartment.

“Taehyung, we can’t live here.”

“Why not?”

“Why not?? I’m treating two out of the three people in that damn house, that’s why!! It’s unprofessional, and definitely crossing a line! I don’t care what you said about building a rapport and all, or making your patients feel at ease, this is just too much, I can’t deal with it. We need to find another place.” You run your hands through your hair in frustration when he doesn’t seem to understand how wrong this is, and for the first time, you resent how different your personalities are.

Right from the start Taehyung has always been the more extroverted, easygoing of the two of you, and your friendship started because he saw you struggling with no friends and decided to adopt you as his introvert to take under his wing. The two of you complement each other perfectly, he brings out the best in you and you in him, but at times like this when you disagree about something, it’s definitely a headache.

Taehyung takes a deep breath, placing his large hands on your shoulders in an effort to calm you down, which only agitates you further.

“I’m not overreacting, Taehyung, I don’t need you to calm me down like this,” you start to brush his hands away angrily, but he holds on tight.

“Geez, I didn’t say you were overreacting, _____.” To his credit, Taehyung is the only one who knows how to deal with your temper. “I just thought that it would be better if you could get to observe Jimin in an environment that he’s comfortable in to help you get a more accurate diagnosis. We can still keep work and our personal lives separate, it’s not that big of a deal. Just treat them as patients when they’re in your consultation room, and try to see past their diagnoses at home, okay? Treat them like normal people, _____, cos that’s what they are. Remember we were taught to see people as more than their mental illnesses?”

“Yeah, I remember, and I am doing that, but…” You try to argue back feebly, but there’s no way you can get out of this living arrangement without coming off as one of those doctors who only sees their patients with a huge label across their forehead.

“Good girl, now call Jeongukkie and Jiminnie out to help us with the rest of these okay?”

*

“You must all be wondering why I gathered you here today.” You look at the four men currently seated in a row on the too-small couch in the living room, and they stare back at you blankly.

Yoongi has his trademark annoyed expression on his face for having been rudely jostled out of his nap, and he would have bitten the offending person’s head off had it not been you. Jeongguk is the unfortunate soul to be seated right next to Yoongi’s fuming self, and the broad shouldered golden haired boy curls his frame into himself, trying his best to give Yoongi as much space as possible to avoid pissing him off even more. Jimin has one leg crossed over the other so that his smaller frame fits nicely into the space between Taehyung and Jeongguk, and Taehyung just looks bored, as if he knows what’s about to come.

“We need to set some ground rules in this house, if we’re all gonna be living together in peace and harmony.”

Yoongi grunts in affirmation, which surprises you, until- “Sounds great to me, I’ll start. Number one, no waking Yoongi up, I’ll get up when I fucking feel like it. Jimin and Jeongguk know this all too well already, so this is mainly for the benefit of the two of you.”

You roll your eyes back at him. “I didn’t open the floor to suggestions yet, but fine, we’ll go with that. Since Yoongi started the ball rolling so nicely, I’ll continue.”

“Noona, shouldn’t we be taking turns, like in a clockwise direc-” Jeongguk’s voice trails off as you shoot him an icy cold glare.

Satisfied with his silence, you fold your arms and read off your list that you typed up on your phone. “Firstly, always knock before entering someone else’s room. Common sense, but needs to be said. Secondly, no walking around the house without clothes on. Occupants have to be fully clothed at all times.”

Jeongguk whines at this. “But noona, it’s summer now, and it’s so hot! I can’t wear shirts in the house, and Jimin-hyung always sleeps naked-”

“Non. Negotiable. Or your PC gets confiscated. No more Overwatch.”

“Just go with it, Kook.” Taehyung whispers across Jimin, and for a second you’re a little touched that he would be on your side like this. “She’s like a stubborn little mule who hates carrots, so she can’t be bribed.”

You glower at Taehyung, who immediately sits up straight and acts like he hasn’t said anything.

“Thirdly, if you want to bring… company home…” you pin Taehyung with a pointed glare, letting him know that this rule applies especially to him, “you need to give the rest of us a 24-hour notice. Or else you have to find somewhere else to… wet your stick, or whatever you kids are calling it these days.”

“24-hours?? What the fuck?? Would you like us to submit an application in writing too?” Taehyung springs to his feet in indignation, but Jeongguk and Jimin grab the sleeve of his shirt and pull him back down.

“Just go with it, Tae,” they say in unison, and satisfaction blooms in your chest.

“Great! That will be all for now, and if there are any more rules that I feel need to be implemented, there’ll be another house meeting. As of now, you’re dismissed-”

A knock on the front door interrupts you, but before you can go to answer it, a blonde sticks his head around the front door curiously.

“Namjoon?”

“Uh, yeah hi _____, it’s your landlord, and I just wanted to check in on how you guys were doing with moving in… and stuff.” He opens the door a little wider but remains standing outside, surveying the current mess of a living room that’s crowded with all your boxes.

Taehyung immediately rushes to the door to greet him with a hug, only to have Namjoon wincing in distaste as he pats Taehyung’s back gingerly. “Namjoon-hyung! Thank you so much for helping us out, or else ____ and I would be out on the streets by now. Come in and have a seat!!” 

“Or not,” you mutter, noticing the pained expression on Namjoon’s face as Taehyung pulls away, his eyes taking in all the accumulated dirt and dust that comes with moving in. “Tae, we should really start unpacking if we want to finish by today. We have work tomorrow.”

The relief is evident on Namjoon’s face as Taehyung pulls away reluctantly, and he shoots you a thankful grin. “Well, kids, if you guys need anything, I’m just in the unit upstairs. But call first before dropping by!”

*

It might be strange to live in the same house as two of your patients, but humans are known for their ability to adapt to any situation, so that’s what you do. Adapt. Thankfully most of your days are spent at the hospital, leaving before sunrise and returning well after sunset, so you hardly see much of your housemates for the first week or so.

The quiet lull of the early dawn morning coaxes you back to sleep, but you force yourself to try and remain awake as you apply the rest of your makeup before straightening your lavender lace pencil skirt. As usual, the house is quiet since Taehyung starts his shifts later than you, and you head for the kitchen for a quick cup of coffee before heading to work. But instead of finding an empty kitchen like you do on most mornings, today it’s occupied by two other bickering figures.

Jimin looks at the clock on the wall anxiously. It’s almost time for you to leave for work, and fucking Jeongguk has fucked up the eggs. He doesn’t know how it’s possible for someone to mess up a hard-boiled egg, but Jeongguk surprises him every time. “Jeongguk, I told you the water needs to be salted first.”

“Fuck you hyung, the eggs taste just fine to me- oh noona! Good morning!” Jeongguk is the first to notice you standing awkwardly at the entrance of the kitchen.

Jimin whirls around, still holding a loaf of bread in one hand, taking in your sleepy expression that contrasts with your polished appearance. He takes a second to admire your smooth skin, and wonders how you’d look like without makeup. “Good morning, _____.”

“Morning,” you greet them with an amused smile on your face as you manoeuvre between the two athletes’ bulky bodies to get your cup from the drying rack. “What are you guys doing up this early? Training?”

“Nah, Seokjin never makes us wake up for morning trainings partially because he can’t wake up himself,” Jimin reaches into the bag of bread and pulls out two slices, highly aware of how you have to slot your slim body in between his and Jeongguk’s to reach for the cup you want.

“You look nice today, noona,” Jeongguk takes in your work attire appreciatively, and his eyes are lingering on the tight fit of your midi pencil skirt, that pervert. “I thought doctors had to wear like those awful looking single coloured scrubs.”

“Those are for surgeons, Kook.” The whir of the coffee machine starts up, and Jimin watches as you tap your fingers on the counter while waiting. “I chose this precisely because I wouldn’t have to deal with blood or wear those god-awful scrubs.”

To stop himself from gawking at you like some kind of love struck teenager, Jimin forces himself to concentrate on mixing the chopped up egg whites with some mayo and butter, combining it to form the perfect consistency before spooning it onto some fluffy white bread. From the corner of his eye he can still see you as you sip at your coffee delicately, letting out a pleased sigh when the liquid touches your lips, a sound that threatens to make him relive the memories of his morning wood. He finishes your sandwich and is just about to muster up the courage to turn around and give it to you, but then-

“See you guys, have a good day!” You’re holding your to-go cup and slipping on your heels outside the apartment, about to leave for the day. A fresh wave of panic rises inside him and he’s frozen to the spot, but Jeongguk snatches the sandwich right out of his hands and dumps it into a paper bag, racing up to the door.

“Noona wait, at least eat this on the way!” He holds it out to you.

“Did you wake up early to make this for me?” You raise an eyebrow at him, since usually the two boys always sleep past noon, as far as you know.

“We’re trying to up our protein intake like Seokjin-hyung told us, so we have to eat at least 4 egg whites a day,” Jimin finally manages to stop his seething and follow Jeongguk to the door, although he’s pissed that now it sounds like Jeongguk made this sandwich for you.

“Really? Well thanks, Kook,” you take the bag with a smile and ruffle his hair fondly, sliding your foot into your other shoe and unlocking the gate.

Jeongguk shoots him a triumphant smirk and turns around to head back to bed, and Jimin sees his chance.

“_____, wait.” Jimin hastily stuffs his feet into his slippers, eyes still barely half open against the morning rays of light as he follows you down the steps. “Can I walk you to work?”

“No.”

“Why not?” He pauses on the step above you, and he hates how his voice sounds so small and defeated already. His hopeful expression dims, deflated by your outright rejection.

“Because doctors don’t let their patients walk them to work.” With that, you turn around and continue heading down the stairs, leaving Jimin staring at your back with a bitter taste in his mouth that definitely isn’t the eggs.

*

Were you too harsh with Jimin this morning? You let out a frustrated sigh as you bury your hands in the pocket of your white coat, heading for your morning rounds.

Try to treat them like normal people, ______. Taehyung’s words resurface again in your mind, and it feels as if he’s reprimanding your cold behaviour toward Jimin this morning. You definitely regretted what you said the second it left your mouth, but to take it back would be lame and embarrassing, so there was nothing you could do but keep walking.

Fucking Kim Taehyung. It’s all his fault for making us live in this stupid house, you grit your teeth, fully aware that you’re projecting but with no intention of stopping. So when you enter Mr Seung’s ward, your face is devoid of your usual smile.

“What’s wrong, Dr_____?” The old man immediately picks up on your mood as he watches you flip through his charts.

“It’s nothing, I’m sorry,” you breathe out a sigh. “I just had a bad morning. I didn’t mean to ruin yours too.”

“No need to apologize, and nothing you do could ruin my morning.” Mr Seung is always happy to see you every morning, which only worsens your guilt upon seeing his cheerful, unwavering smile. “Is everything okay? Do you want to talk about it?”

You hesitate at his bedside, feeling the urge to get rid of this burden on your shoulders by sharing it with someone, but also fully aware that you risk crossing a line with your patients that you swore never to breach all those years ago. But the old man looks so concerned and fatherly, and at that moment you crumble and start telling him everything.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that,” your cheeks heat up in embarrassment when you realise that you’ve been talking for a good 20 minutes straight. “This is so unprofessional; I should leave now.”

“Wait, _____,” he stops you with a hand on your wrist. “You know; Dr Kim is right. Being a patient doesn’t mean you can’t treat us like normal human beings. As a doctor you always listen to people’s problems, so why can’t I listen to yours for a change? It’s not unprofessional, on the contrary, it shows me that you trust me enough to tell me this.”

You pause to consider his point of view. “But I wouldn’t want to bother you with my personal problems and stuff, you already have enough as it is on your plate.”

“What do I have enough of on my plate?” He chuckles in amusement. “Lying here all day having people watch me isn’t exactly keeping busy. Trust me dear, you’re not a bother at all. It’s okay to ask other people to listen to you for a change.”

“But there’s nothing you can do about this situation, and I don’t want to make you feel bad for not being able to help me,” you squeeze his hand with a small smile. “It doesn’t improve my situation, and all I’m doing is making one more person worry about me.”

“Even if it doesn’t change anything,” the old man reaches to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear fondly, “it’s a lot less lonely isn’t it?”

And he’s right. You remember the first time he was brought in to see you, suffering from hallucinations and grief from the death of his wife in a car accident. His first instinct was to shut everyone out, begging for them to return his wife to him and threatening to kill himself if they didn’t comply. He was full of blame and resentment, and had to be put on round the clock suicide watch. Mr Seung refused to talk at all to anyone, insisting that no one would help him anyway. One night, when it was your turn to watch him, he had a particularly bad hallucination of his wife who asked him to hang the sheets from the ceiling and kill himself, but you managed to stop him and talk him through his trauma.

“I guess you’re right, it is less lonely.”

*

When you arrive back at home that day, your head is pounding and you’re more exhausted than usual, which is why you opt to sleep at home instead of the residents’ room tonight. You kick off your heels and leave them lying at the front door as you let yourself in, wanting nothing more than to isolate yourself in your room with some ramen before turning in for the night.

You find Yoongi in the kitchen with some takeout boxes.

“Man, you look like shit,” he comments immediately.

“You don’t look so hot yourself,” you grumble back, taking in his bedraggled appearance of a black hoodie and grey shorts.

“Yeah, all-nighters tend to do that to you.” Yoongi breaks apart his chopsticks and digs them into the takeout box before skirting around you to head back to his room.

“Wait, are you not sleeping well?” You ask in concern, trying to remember what his latest dosage of medicine is like. You could prescribe him some more without having to go to the hospital, but you’re not sure if your stash of sleeping pills is enough-

“I’m okay, _____. This isn’t the hospital, yeah? Was just making an innocent comment, is all. I was working on my mixtape.” He tells you with a meaningful look, which you take to mean that he knows about what you said to Jimin that morning.

Great. One more person to judge the fuck out of you when you’re just trying to be proper and draw the appropriate lines. You roll your eyes at him in response and head into the bathroom to start your shower, hoping that the hot water will wash away all the remains of this shitty day.

You step out of the bathroom 15 minutes later, only to run straight into Jimin, who’s sweaty and panting from his evening jog and you curse the gods above for this awful, awful day. Sweat glistens on his bare chest as he sweeps his damp pink hair off his forehead, flashing you a reserved smile. Attempting to sidestep him only becomes even more awkward when he happens to step in the same direction as you, multiple times, until he pauses and lets you skirt around him instead.

“Sorry,” you mumble under your breath, trying to avoid eye contact with him at all costs.  

“It’s okay,” Jimin says as he steps into the bathroom behind you, leaving behind a tinge of awkwardness that lingers in the atmosphere.

You make your ramen as quickly as possible in order to make it back to your room before he finishes showering, breathing a sigh of relief once your door is finally closed and you’re shut off from the outside world. At this point you’re starting to think you should have stayed in the residents’ room instead, so at least you wouldn’t have to run from your housemates pathetically like this.

Or resort to hiding in your room like a prey being cornered. You sigh despondently, but at least Taehyung isn’t home tonight or else you’d definitely be hearing from him about this morning. Somehow being around Jimin now sets you on edge, keeping him at arms-length just isn’t possible anymore if you’re sharing the same living space. It’s different with Yoongi since he doesn’t really make an effort to go out of his way to interact with you, and you aren’t treating Jeongguk.

But this awkward atmosphere between you and Jimin won’t go unnoticed for long, and soon the whole house will know about this. And you can’t let your relationship with him suffer while trying to maintain a professional distance either, as it might bear consequences when you’re actually trying to treat him in sessions.

In other words, Kim Taehyung is right about his rapport thing.

Steeling your nerves and taking a deep breath, you decide that you have to at least clear the air with him. You head for the door, already planning out a casual topic of conversation to bring up with him in your head, when a knock sounds.

You open the door cautiously, and it’s Jimin.

He looks freshly showered, his pink hair a little faded and damp, which reminds you that he did ask for your help in doing a touch-up. You’re about to mention this to him when you notice that he’s carrying a laundry basket with what looks like your clothes in it.

“Um, I was just doing the laundry and I thought I’d bring you yours,” he places the basket on the floor, and you shift your weight from one foot to the other.

“Wow, um, thanks Jimin, you really didn’t have to…” you glance down at the pile of clothes in the basket, and when you realise that you’d thrown in your ugliest pair of underwear in the last load, you almost groan in embarrassment. “I um… really appreciate you doing this, but I can get my own laundry next time.”

You want to slap yourself once the words leave your mouth and you realise how standoffish they sound. Jimin’s face crumples in disappointment, and he nods mutely before turning and heading back to his own room, right across the hallway from yours and letting the door slam.

Fuck. So much for clearing the air.

Letting out a long-suffering sigh, you curse your inability to phrase your words better when it comes to Jimin. At this rate, you might end up worsening his condition rather than helping him, and it’s already evident in how nervous and shy he is around you, compared to his confident, goofy self around Jeongguk and when you first met him.

You approach his door and knock apprehensively, and you think he’s actually sulking when he doesn’t immediately respond. But you have to at least try and clear the air with him and get on the same page or else you won’t be able to sleep tonight, so you decide to break the first rule you set.

Pushing open the door gingerly, you peek into his room for the first time. His bed his tucked away neatly in the corner of the room, and in the opposite corner is a mini gym with weights and dumbbells laid out on a yoga mat, together with a gym ball. His desk is bare except for a few books, and One Piece anime figurines are lined up from one end to the next.

“Jimin?” You don’t spot him immediately, but the sound of something clattering to the ground draws your attention to a hunched figure on the ground beside the bed.

Park Jimin raises his head to reveal his tearstained face, his own eyes glittering with an unfamiliar, menacing look that’s replicated in the harsh lines of his clenched jaw. A cruel smirk is etched onto his lips, accompanied by heavy panting as he looks up at you with a glint in his eyes, and you realise that this isn’t the Park Jimin that you know. 

The blade of the penknife in his hands is stained with crimson.