#They're all dead everybody is dead Dave

[kilowogcore]

The Little Blue Elephant In The Room

"Your bio says fascists are not allowed on Oa, but aren't the Guardians fascists?" The Guardians are all dead. Koyos killed 'em. They've been dead fer three years now. Oa belongs ta the people. Well, technically Oa belongs ta the United Planets and that's its own problem, but the Guardians are all dead is my point. And before you say anythin', yes, everyone thinks I'm dead too, but c'mon. I vanished in a' unexplained flare from the yellow power battery on Korugar, an' Hal wakes up three days later an' is told I'm dead but there's no body? Please. Even fer comics that's paper-thin. The fact that Hal buys it at all is testament ta bad writin'.

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

Hello resident Eridan expert! 0u0 I was wondering if you thought he might get on well with Aradia? Thank you for your time!

Actually yes! In moderate doses. After Eridan's character development. The list I like to keep of his platonic friends, from most to least close to him, is like.

Nepeta -> Dirk -> Feferi -> Vriska -> Aradia -> Other

So I already talked about how he and Nepeta seem like they'd actually make for really good friends - the Heart player who can't help but see the good in him, and Eridan liking nice people and the fact that the two of them have a lot in common. I've also made mention before about how I think he and Dirk would have an extremely lethargic, almost transactional bro-ship where they sometimes beat each other to death. A completely neutral friendship, where they do not make each other better OR worse, they just help each other take the edge off the Prince Ennui. Using extreme violence.

He and Feferi are also not so different, and, honestly, they're childhood friends. She's pretty fond of him, and he's TOO fond of her, but after his character development and he fully gets over her, I think they'd be perfectly decent friends. He and Vriska have much the same deal, but I think their personalities mesh slightly worse than his and Feferi's.

If you're wondering why Kanaya isn't on this list, it's because she hates his dumb ass and always has. I think Eridan thinks he's really good friends with Kanaya. Kanaya has literally never respected Eridan even a little bit. Same with Rose. It's really funny.

So Aradia is kind of the last person out of the characters that I think I'd emphatically call "Eridan's Friend." Everyone covered in "other" tends to be people who are everybody's friend (like John) or basically tolerant of his behavior in small doses (like Dave).

With Aradia specifically, there's a few factors to consider; first of all, she has a pretty negative view of highbloods in general, calling them "hateful sn0bs" at one point. She's a lot more tolerant as the stewardess of the afterlife, because Alternia's gone and everyone else is dead, but I think it should still stand that she'd be sensitive to anti-casteist sentiment, since casteism colored so much of her life back when she was, y'know, alive.

But the reason I think they'd work as friends is because Aradia has a bluntness and straightforwardness about her that happens to mesh well with Eridan's suite of issues. He's actually fairly easy to manage if you're fully honest with him and set and maintain very clear boundaries, because he doesn't catch social cues, but also doesn't really see naked hostility, bluntness, or aggression as bad things.

And Aradia can be viciously sarcastic, but her natural tendency is to be very blunt and honest and call things the way she sees them. This means that if she's ever too annoyed by Eridan, she will let him know that as bluntly as humanly possible, and then happily fuck off, with Eridan generally no worse for the wear (although he may have a negative reaction in the moment. But Aradia's self-possessed enough to not really give a shit as long as she's not in the wrong).

The main issue between them is that I think Aradia would believe Eridan IS a nasty, casteist highblood, unless somehow given reason to interact with him for an extended period of time. Eridan didn't really talk to the lowbloods, and the two generally had no reason to interact, so she'd basically have no reason NOT to believe him when he starts spewing bullshit. Moreover, Eridan's the type of aggressive idiot that would outright admit that if they'd FLARPed together, there was every chance she'd wind up orphaned or dead (this is just a neutral fact to him), and then comment that maybe it wouldn't have mattered because she wound up dead anyway (again, just a neutral observation to him). Writing Eridan mostly consists of coming up with words that make you cringe.

Aradia is smart enough that I think any extensive conversation or time spent with him would make her realize how performative his casteist stuff is, and how little he actually cares about blood color. Since she generally never had reason to interact or care about him before (not even her friends are friends with him), this would pretty much shift her opinion from "idgaf about him, seems like a snob like the rest of the highbloods" to "oh... he's funny as hell. what's wrong with him".

Once she figures out that he genuinely doesn't mean any harm or offense by the awful dumb shit he says, I think she'd be willing to engage with him on mutual interests (they both FLARPed, so they're presumably both roleplayers, and they could probably bond over death - something Eridan is unfortunately obsessed with and Aradia doesn't have many discussion partners over). Emotionally, she'd probably keep him at arm's length - he has a lot of Issues and Problems, and she's not really interested in helping him handle them (she doesn't really bother with trying to cheer people up on the bubbles so much as just explaining what they can do now that they're dead, and letting them make their own decisions). Not that she isn't a nice person, but I do think it'd just be kind of difficult for her to have too much sympathy for a guy whose problems were largely caused by being too aristocratic.

But, like, she would also pretty happily call him "her friend," because she always cuts it short when it gets too real for her, minimizing her negative experiences with him. I think eventually, like training a dog, Eridan would figure out that Aradia is just Not The Friend For That, so it'd become less of a problem as time goes on.

She thinks he's ridiculous and funny, calls him up when she wants to infodump on someone and her usual buddies aren't around, and I think they'd play good DnD together with Nepeta and Vriska. Yeah I know Vriska killed her but she killed Vriska so they're even. The energy at the table is deeply weird but Eridan wouldn't notice and Aradia would get a kick out of it, leaing poor Nepeta to suffer it alone.

Anyway, I love that Eridan's assortment of platonic friendships is so haphazard. Nepeta AND Feferi, who hate each other. Vriska AND Aradia, who killed each other. And also Dirk is there. He's the DM.

[thewertsearch]

?GG: im through humoring you, i dont even care about this stupid exploded robot mission, whatever that was FCG: OH RIGHT, ABOUT THAT FCG: YEAH WE NEED TO TALK FCG: I MEAN WE HAVE ALREADY FROM MY PERSPECTIVE FCG: BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY BUSY SOON, BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ENTER YOUR SESSION FCG: SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT UNTIL YOU DO, THEN JUST HIT ME UP, WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT

I'm not complaining - believe me, I'm not - but it sounds like this entire conversation was pointless. If Karkat's plan doesn't kick in until after she Enters, then all this Pesterlog really did was piss Jade off.

I suppose not every conversation needs to be this huge plot-heavy loredump - hell, half of Act 1 was just the kids chilling. Sometimes it's worth it just to sit back and watch Karkat make an ass of himself.

Plus, it's probably a good thing that Jade lost her temper - it probably cleared the air a little. Karkat's been harassing her since day one, and something needed to be said.

?TG: dude i cant believe you were just getting on our case about hitting on the troll girls ?TG: and then literally the very next memo you are slobbering all over jade ?TG: thats just perfect hahahaha CCG banned ?TG: from responding to memo. FCG rebanned ?TG: from responding to memo.

Not the double banhammer!

Damn it, I wanted Dave to stay in the mix. Every group chat these kids have is fucking fantastic.

?GG: i also cant wait for past you to past drop dead and go to hell, PAST TENSE!!!!!!!! ?GG: when are those things going to happen?? or will have already past/future happened????? ?GG: i want to put another reminder on my finger so i know when its time to throw a party!!!!

And I think I know which finger you're most likely to use!

FCG: HOW'S THIS FOR A PACT, EVERYBODY. FCG: PAST KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO PAST JADE FROM NOW ON, AND THE TWO OF THEM CAN BICKER LIKE SHITTY LITTLE CHILDREN FOR HOURS/YEARS RESPECTIVELY. FCG: AND FUTURE KARKAT ONLY TALKS TO FUTURE JADE, AN ARRANGEMENT WHEREIN ONLY INTELLIGENT DISCOURSE TAKES PLACE BETWEEN TWO CIVILIZED, MATURE, GROWN ASSED ADULTS.

Woaugh,, so you're saying, like, your conversations should respect the linear flow of time, thereby sidestepping the headache-inducing complexities of Trollian's nonlinear messaging?

Dude, that is such a good idea. Why didn't you think of it sooner? Why didn't you think of it sooner, Karkat?

You consult your reminders to get your bearings on what to do next. But you can't remember what they mean at all. You have a feeling these are all useless now.

Many of those reminders were tied to Skaian prophecies, and were probably stored in Dream Jade's brain. To you, they're useless - and it's not like you can make any more.

Jade the Seer is dead.

The hour of the Witch is upon us.

[davekat-sucks]

Something that seems to attract the Davekat shipping is how the two can help each other from their trauma, at least that's what it seems to look like. But tbh I'm not seeing how their experiences help each other get better. If anything Karkat would do better healing from his trauma with a different human, since Dave is so closed off from his trauma. But no they're just awkward and closed off emotionally any time they are together. Anything else they're just arguing like friends.

Idfk who would help best, but at this rate Dave and Karkat are just platonic buddies who probably helped each other forget their problems for a while on the comet. As if friends can't cuddle and play together. No, it has to be romantic because what is the point otherwise!

Friendships of any kind does not exist in the Homestuck fandom. Everybody has to fuck with someone while also not actually fucking. Considering that Karkat was a leader of his troll session to parallel John, I would think John would also be the one to help Karkat the most. They were the closest of human and troll interaction out of everyone else. And yet, Post Retcon and fandom make it seem like they are total strangers to one another. But yeah, I'm not seeing how their experiences can help each other out. Karkat is upset that most of his friends had died and felt like a horrible leader. How would Dave help in that regard? Dave doesn't have any closer connection to the other trolls that had died besides maybe Tavros and Equius. Would he even sympathize that good trolls like Nepeta and Feferi didn't deserve it? Dave himself isn't a leader either, it's John. And Dave barely did much to lead besides maybe his dead Dave selves, but now he is seldom on doing that again. How would Karkat even help Dave for things like the issues with Bro? Even if his friends would technically be siblings in the troll incestuous slurry, Karkat doesn't exactly have a brother brother blood ectobiology connection like Dave, Bro, and Dirk. And all of the trolls are the same age as him. The only difference is in status of the hemospectrum and power from highbloods, but it doesn't really equate to how Bro was the guardian and raising Dave in preparation for Sburb. Trolls may not be the right person to talk about how a person is raised if their planet conditioned everyone that child soldiers is a good thing. Karkat may be a mutantblood, but this dude had a dream too in being part of the system despite his blood. But fanon and Pesterquest, make it out like he is in constant danger that he could never reach that dream.

[black-arcana]

HALESTORM's LZZY HALE: 'I'm Writing Some Of The Best Songs I've Ever Written'

In a new interview with Terrie Carr of the Morristown, New Jersey radio station 105.5 WDHA, HALESTORM frontwoman Lzzy Hale spoke about the band's plans for the follow-up to 2022's "Back From The Dead" album. She said (as transcribed by BLABBERMOUTH.NET): "We're taking our time with it and we're writing a lot. We're doing our record with [producer] Dave Cobb, of all people, which is which is a new flavor for us. We kind of needed to shake it up.

"Just coming from a personal level, I'm in a really good place in my life," she explained. "I'm writing some of the best songs I've ever written, and this album, for me, and this is before I'm even discussing our collective M.O. as a band and what we want everything to sound like, but, for me, the songs that I'm writing… This is gonna be the HALESTORM album that kind of peels back the onion a little bit.

"I'm in a spot where I'm okay with giving myself permission to be open. And the fans have taught me a lot about that over the last album cycle, with 'Back From The Dead'. The difference between 'Back From The Dead' and this one being, 'Back From The Dead', that entire record, for me, was kind of a pep talk to be, like, 'Girl, you still got this. I don't know what's going on.' And it took, I think, the entire of that album cycle for me to actually settle into the point... It all kind of boiled down to this conversation I had with fans when we were in Europe. We were on a seven-week tour, so we always go through this messy middle; everybody does. You wanna know some folklore of being on a tour — four weeks is enough; seven weeks, everyone starts going a little crazy. 'Cause by the month mark, everyone's, like — we call it the messy middle; everyone's just kind of tired and there's no real end in sight. And we've all been living two feet from each other. Someone's being annoying. Someone's being a little bitch — it happens. And I was going through my own war in my head about whatever's coming next as this album cycle was kind of ending. 'I don't know where I'm at. I haven't written a new song in a while.' [I was] letting a lot of my disparaging thoughts get to me. And so here are our super fans, my ladies in shining armor — they call themselves the Lzzy Birds — in Europe. And it's a group of, like, 11 women, give or take, that just come to every show — every single show, every single meet-and-greet, front and center, without fail, they're there for the show. So during this messy middle, they started to ask me, like, 'Hey, are you doing okay? The show was great, but there's something behind your eyes that we can't see. And you don't have to tell us anything, but we're there for you' kind of thing. So I go through my normal bullshit in my brain. I'm, like, 'Oh, I'm just tired. It's tour. And I'm going through stuff.' And then the next day at the meet-and-greet, they all hand me these handwritten letters, and I'm paraphrasing for all of them, but each, in their own way, basically was saying, 'Hey, here's a list of reasons why we follow you. Here's what you've done for us. It's okay if you're not okay. And you don't have to be the savior. If you wanna cancel some shows, we will understand. Whatever you're going through, we're gonna be there for you no matter what, because you were there.' It really affected me. I was in the dressing room reading through all these, just crying my eyes out, and I immediately, the next day, because we had another show — it was, like, a three-in-a-row thing — next day, at the end of the show, I kind of held court with all of them next to the buses. And I'm just, like, 'I'm gonna tell you exactly what's going on in my life,' and this, and this and this, 'and I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm scared that I'm failing you,' and all of this, and I just let it out with them. And I realized something in that moment.

"I don't know if any of you people listening are front people or the spearhead of your operation. Sometimes it can feel really like you're an island and you're not even in the front seat of your life and you're just kind of white-knuckling it through," Lzzy added. "And what I realized is that instead of me being the strong person in that moment, I got more out of it as and more trust, more admiration, more connection with these fans of mine that have seen me through a lot of things than I could have just by keeping the veil up and being the strong person. I got more from it by opening myself up and being honest. And so I've taken all of those feelings and I am putting them now into this new music and working through them because they have allowed me to. My army that has been with me through every battle has given me permission to say, 'Hey, if you've gotta work through this' and 'we're gonna be with you no matter what,' that feeling of unconditional love from complete strangers — from strangers that didn't know you from before. And that was the connection. And then we're able to take that then past the handshake. I can put down the crown for a second and just be real with you guys. And then, what ended up happening after that is that then you have these conversations now, new conversations with the fans, not just about your touring or your vocal prowess or whatever, or whatever lyric, it's now about, 'Oh, so you're just as screwed up as I am, but you've also made it to the other side.' So it gives the bridge for hope. It makes it a little shorter. It gives it a little bit of gas to get through. Sorry, I'm blowing through analogies. But it affected me in a really positive way. And I'm very much looking forward to — the song that you guys helped me start, I am now ready to finish for you. And so it's gonna be this beautiful pass of the torch a little bit.

"Anyway, that's how it's kind of working out in my mind, but, again, best-laid plans… But we're excited for new music," Hale concluded. "And I'm sure there'll be some things that I'll end up sneaking in on this next tour because I can't wait to play new music for everybody. So for all of those that keep up with all the little tiny moments that go on in the set, keep your eyes and ears peeled, 'cause it could be a new song."

HALESTORM is working with Cobb after making three records with Nick Raskulinecz.

Cobb has shared in nine Grammy wins, including four for "Best Americana Album" and three for "Best Country Album". He's also been named "Producer Of The Year" by the Country Music Awards, the Americana Music Association (twice) and the Music Row Awards, and has been a Grammy nominee in the category.

Lzzy and her brother Arejay (drums) formed HALESTORM in 1998 while in middle school. Guitarist Joe Hottinger joined the group in 2003, followed by bassist Josh Smith in 2004.

Last May, HALESTORM teamed up with country singer Ashley McBryde for a reimagined version of the band's song "Terrible Things", which was originally featured on HALESTORM's latest album, the aforementioned "Back From The Dead".

[lil-munchie]

Has anybody drawn fern from adventure time and davesprite from homestuck meeting. Their themes are too connected for them not to meet. They're so similar yet so different. Davesprite has to come to terms with the fact he isn't "the real Dave" now and so does fern, but also they have sort of like opposing souls in a way. Deep down davesprite is heroic and just, he exists purely through his own sacrifice for the life of another whom he deeply TRUELY cares about, and fern has a sort of conflicted existence. All his memories are of a similar nature, heroic and just, but against his will he has something inside of him, a grass demon, corrupting his decision making, making him do things "the real Finn" would never do. Could you imagine being this guy? Your whole life you were this hero guy, you were always morally in the right and you had lots of friend and people who cared about you then bam you wake up one morning and everybody is looking at you like you just came back from the dead. But then not just that, you find that not only have you been replaced, but something inside you has changed for the worst and you can't figure out why. Your kidnapping people, your suggesting severing an innocent child's tendons, you kill without a second glance, you become an evil knight and help in a war against the candy kingdom, a kingdom in all your memories you swore to stand by and protect. Just holy shit somebody draw these two interacting please I can't take this anymore in fact I'm going to do it you just watch me.

[david-talks-sw]

So I have a question abd you just might be the only one who can answer it

So I recall reading at one point about a "what could have been" TCW arc, something about encountering the Yuuzhan Vong out in the far reaches of the galaxy with a whole alien abduction approach to it, albeit the Vong themselves would have been changed somehow to better fit in with Lucas' view of the Force

So my question is do you know what it is that makes the Vong not work with the George Lucas Force? I assume it's their own lack of the Force in them, but I can't find anything definitive and was wondering if you knew, or if it was just something that we don't know

Well, you've pretty much summed up all we know publicly about it:

At Celebration Anaheim 2015, they revealed this episode involved the Vong in a very minimal way. A scout ship tries to assess the strength of the Galactic Republic and what the Jedi were.

Dave Filoni said it'd be pretty creepy. Pablo Hidalgo stated it'd have an alien abduction vibe, cited "X-Files" as a comparable.

On Twitter, PH added that their depiction would have differed from what the books said, for instance the Vong weren't Force-immune.

Dave Filoni - big EU fan - had started drawing sketches of the idea, basically reasoning that "hey, we made the Mandalorians pacifists and brought Maul back from the dead. Anything's possible."

If I had to hazard a guess as to why the Vong wouldn't jive with Lucas' view of the Force and the Star Wars universe, I'd assume it's because - like you said - there is no Force in them, they're "outside" the Force.

And George Lucas stated it's in everybody. Back during story meetings for Empire Strikes Back:

"The idea is that the act of living generates a force field, generates energy. That energy surrounds you; when you die that energy joins with all the other energy and there is a giant ball of energy in the universe that has a good side and a bad side to it."

And even more recently, in The Star Wars Archives: 1999-2005.

"The Force is the energy, the fuel, and without it everything would fall apart."

One might say: "but the Vong come from a different galaxy!"

Okay? The Force is in the whole universe.

"I like to think that there is a unified reality to life and that it exists everywhere in the universe and that it controls things, but you can also control it."

To be fair, Lucas uses "universe" and "galaxy" interchangeably, at times, but the point still stands.

If you go by GL rules, the Vong only work if they're not Force-immune. Otherwise, they're walking, talking contradictions to the narrative.

[sobbingdistantnoises]

1. 2. 4. for the writing ask?

1. Do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just tumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?

100% the latter, I am so bad at endings, which is probably why I don't finish anything D:

With spin wick au, I'm wanting to hopefully actually get an ending for the main plot figured out by thinking without properly writing anything, so...who knows how this will work out. I am still in world building phase for that though :P

I am also thinking of trying to do a silly with Soulless Sam (who I am so normal about by the way. I UNDERSTAND him, I have thought so much about the sort of thought process he follows, it's so great <3) in which rather than a story with proper endings, I do a series of oneshots that portrays elements of how I think he thinks. I think. I have a teensy bit written on a google doc :) Must write more

2. Talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said "frick your plan, here's what we're actually doing."

WELL. ABOUT EVERY FREAKING TIME.

Let's talk about Sam goes to Doom hell though, in which, you guessed it, Sam goes to the hell set in Doom! :D I did not have a proper plan for what was going to happen, (this question has actually made me realize that I can totally continue my planning for it and come up with a proper ending since I'm done with s5 and don't feel like extending it through s6), but I had a part in which Sam was killing these zombiemen demons, and then he (thinks he) noticed that, hey, that's a person he just killed. And then that led him to thinking about burying them or whatever else he could do, which then he put their body against a wall with their gun, which then I realized hey, Dean could use that weapon! So now Dean will go to Doom hell too, as part of his end of s2 demon deal :D I did not choose this

Only tangentially related, but I also have a google doc called "Insert Tangoesque Description for the Game! + also my fricking [cyber security competition I did] notes for some reason"

4. What is the plot bunny you've been carrying around for the longest? Do you ever wonder why you haven't written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

OKAY HM. Most of the stuff that haunts me is stuff I've written a teensy bit of, but I am going to say for this question that plot bunnies are stuff you haven't written at all because that gives a more interesting answer that I otherwise would have never given

Word for word the way I have it written down is "The thing in the satanic bible that said you should have your body mutilated if you defile something and it happens to Dave because he's a satanist" (because of course band people destroyed a bunch of furniture in their careers as band people)

I think about it sometimes. It's kind of a terrifying concept, even if it's not like...full on furniture throwing or whatever, because everybody's "hurt" nonliving things by virtue of accident or "they're not alive to feel pain". Hm. Some sort of metaphor for accidentally hurting people because you just didn't think is in here. Insane fic concept though, just randomly getting psychically tortured for sins against table.

I don't quite experience deep existential dread because there are too many fic concepts for that though, and I am too powerful for evil emotions (telling myself this is how I beat them up :D)

[wifegideonnav]

well i… finished act 5 act 2. gonna have to rewatch cascade a bunch of times and probably read the act summary on the wiki but i have officially reached the end of the act

still enjoying it a lot but it’s getting harder and harder to read. summing up a rant i gave my friend, i’m not super in love with the sense of predestined futility - or more accurately, i don’t feel that the narrative has properly addressed that yet and justified why i should be reading about these characters who were like 100x doomed from the start.

there are so many characters and so much happening that nothing is lingered upon, which is nice pacing-wise but not so nice emotional-impact-wise. i also think the “everybody dies a bajillion times and it’s fine until all of a sudden it’s not” thing works against it in a sense, especially when the narrative doesn’t stop to mourn anyone who’s actually dead, bc by the time you realize hey wait maybe like. vriska or dad or feferi/nepeta/equius etc are dead for real it’s been like 200+ pages and you’re like well ok. what do i do here exactly.

and i know that that’s an intentional choice hussie made for how he wanted to craft his narrative - im wishing for things that he deliberately chose not to give. im not trying to say that these choices are flaws in his writing, just that as an audience member i tend to prefer the tlt method of dealing with death, where one main character dies and then the entire next book is about another ripping herself apart because of it.

im not giving up by any means, or even saying that this is what’s dominating my reading experience. like i said im still enjoying myself and appreciate most of the creative decisions that hussie is making. it can just feel very draining i suppose, watching these characters i’ve come to care about - almost all of whom are literal children - fighting so hard so futilely, and so far, imo the narrative hasn’t paid that off. however, with that out of the way, here are (some of, bc this shit was long as hell) my thoughts on the act, more or less in order:

i have literally no interest in johnkat. probably partially bc my friend is so into davekat that ive been conditioned to just wait for that to happen but also bc they have no chemistry. sorry to any johnkat shippers out there but idc it’s boring

i have slightly more but still negligible interest in john/vriska. probably bc i… don’t really care about john. sorry to any john stans out there but idc he’s boring

karkat and terezi sharing a keyboard to argue my beloved

rose my beloved. but also. sweetie :/

vriska my beloved. but also. SWEETIE :/

kanaya my beloved. you’re doing great no notes

oh yeah dave and terezi manipulated the stock market. still don’t 100% understand that but whatever good for them

yeah ok the dream bubbles. christ. like ok i GET it but they’re still annoying

i love jade’s dynamic with karkat she really goes from “teehee im just a silly little girl haha” to “im going to eviscerate this motherfucker”

bec prototyping himself was genuinely such a good reveal

is it just me or is john's power like. way lamer than the other kids' lmao. like it's still cool, def better than nothing, but come on

not too much to say abt the exiles but i love them

also with all the fucking timeline bullshit that's going on i literally can't wait to reach the end and reread with the uhsc mod that lets you follow a specific person's timeline. i canNOT keep track of what's happening when for who

it is literally so funny that vriska has been the cause of jade's narcolepsy this entire time. like wow girl you really took the opportunity to be a massive dick to her huh

LET'S BE SANTA

frogs. ok sure. why not.

fuck doc scratch all my homies hate doc scratch. i will say though. he is a fantastic character.

holy shit eridan and gamzee snapping and killing like everyone. that was buckwild what the fuck. not gonna lie idc that equius is dead, and nepeta, feferi, and tavros were never my faves. but got damn it sucks that they're dead. (ostensibly. still not one thousand percent convinced)

sad karkat :(

murderous kanaya :D

WV "DRIVING" AHHHH

oh god the ancestors. sorry but i simply do not care about that shit. like i know that they're actually relevant but. :/

also i don't like the trope of chains of events being echoed across generations. like damn get your own plot. also it ties into that determinism and futility that i'm grappling with

i will say though. mindfang mentally thanking redglare for taking her arm because then her battle against his honorable tyranny because it made it "a fair fight"? hot. i'm brave enough to say it.

aradia is cool as fuck. i wish we got more of her/her personality

aradia's ancestor is also cool as fuck. sucks that literally nothing she did to resist her fate worked or mattered

the scratch stuff is genuinely interesting narratively/in terms of a plot device. again it still sucks that the beta kids aren't actually going to get to win the game themselves. like i assume they'll be talking to/guiding the alpha kids but like. god it's so unfairrr i bet there'll be angst about this

rose going grimdark is so fun. also LMAO john trying to chat with her in that flash game portion

TEREZI god i love her. sucks that she killed vriska tho bc i love her and also i ship them. oh well murder is not necessarily a roadblock to them getting together. troll romance sure is weird. i have hope in my heart.

vriska isn't dead forever bc no she isnt <3

the betty crocker shit. is funny. and also stupid as hell.

SAD KARKAT :((

ok i guess the stuff about karkat's ancestor and the history of the troll race is kinda interesting. whatever.

everyone's in love/hate with gamzee all of a sudden?? literally why. troll romance sure is FUCKING confusing

that was a pretty anticlimactic climax to the gamzee situation, gotta say

cascade was confusing as fuck i don't have thoughts on it yet

so yeah that's it! if you're still reading, why? let me know what your thoughts on act 5 act 2 were when you read it, or your thoughts on my thoughts lol. just pls no spoilers for anything past cascade!!

[the-firebird69]

There are a couple of other things happening there are fairly good sized and yeah this thing with Uncle Phil is huge and people don't know it it is women have some ideas and they're lunacy a little bit yeah it is their way though.

--one more thing we have to get out there and no we have a few things to say this action and activity is going on right now they also are involved in this judge merchant stuff and he is going to try and get out of trouble by becoming the judge. By occupy the judge's body. Sorry son says don't forget you have to be in white format and Trump says oh yeah and our son says and daughter to garth it shouldn't have been such an a****** and you don't see it coming cuz he said some stupid s*** and he didn't buy and no one would any retards are all like this you can get blindsided because you're a Deftones blind piece of s***.. he says I can hear it and see it and we don't think so he's a stupid piece of crap and he's almost dead anyways as I work for us... it's true too. This is beginning yeah. They almost had Mac. And the bucket list cuz you had fits in a bucket your head and that's what they're talking about and yes what kind of thing is this I don't know what he wants to do with you but his is very simple and probably cover and gets up and says wow that's bad

--we are watching trumpet excited about it and it's because he will sit there and threatening their son with it but we intend to kill him every time and to draw him down and to never let him out and he doesn't get it if you do that routine we will destroy you that goes from trying to anyways good point and you're going to be gone soon this will speed it up it's a good point you know we will speed it up we're going to speed up anyways but we're going to speed up on you and yeah you're not going to like it this is eulogy the Jack Nicholson delivers and now it makes sense if people say it says it's Garth is a good man and he's a friend and it says a lot about it but it does make sense now I'm watching you guys cringe but really you're going to be deep s*** you don't say that to me Trump you're dead your brother is going to kill you and your brother will kill himself coming up soon because of this little maneuver of yours you're going to leave forever and disintegrated into a whole bunch of teen molecules so you can kiss my ass you dumb mother f*****... That's our son and daughter telling him off saying goodbye and the other hate him and you deserve to die Trump and you're going to and we would not stop you from dying if someone paid us you stupid s***.

This little maneuver was Garth is going to cost this guy his life Garth comes back and he's a big dick and she's really rude to everybody and leaves and his wife is pissed off cuz he's such a loser and it's true too he says you let it happen s*** like not really threatening me with it yes what enjoy what a joy says to Trump and says you're dead and helps everyone he helps to get rid of him and he says I think that's his son and daughter in Terminator Genesis he knows what to do he gets it too he says you're under anesthesia he says yeah it was so we're going to get him and our son says that's right and his son too and the other piece of crap although that might be mac I don't think so because of what happens in the future and he says it too this guy just all sorts of stuff to him and it's not true it's other people screw around with him. Get some and starts the hammer on him a lot of times and it weekends Trump and he goes into it send me catatonic State no he's trying to take over ships he lost. And dies that's right dance doing it garth die is trying and also Trump dies several days later this whole thing only takes a few days they're almost gone and no but they're not very big. And Dave Dan takes over and fights the remaining of the two and dies too and the rest of his die pretty quick

We're going to print this is very big news

Thor Freya

We anticipate The bucket list movie will begin on the 7th and they're there for a couple days and he dies. Mac escapes. Aftermac escapes he does the surgeon movie and the woman it encourages him to kill these f****** and he does finds out she has an angle and goes over it and says well that's stupid it is too. Eventually goes after her no it just shoots her and the other one too and they're massive assholes these ladies suck and they get hit when they're doing their little routine. A bunch of trash okay I don't have much strength it's going to be over for all of them shortly and the women want to try their plan because they have a little time left that's how it is with them though

Thor Freya

Olympus

[pesterloglog]

Terezi Pyrope, John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 7022-7025

TEREZI: TH3 POW3RS YOU W3R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT 34RL13R

JOHN: huh???

TEREZI: DO NOT HUH M3 3GB3RT

TEREZI: YOU LOOK L1K3 4N 1D1OT, BUT W3 BOTH KNOW YOU 4R3 NO FOOL

JOHN: hey!

ROXY: i wouldnt argue w her john

ROXY: shes all bloody and she clearly means business

JOHN: er...

JOHN: ok, you're right.

JOHN: yes, terezi. i agree to the fact that i look like an idiot.

JOHN: primarily because you seem badly wounded and angry.

JOHN: are you sure you're ok?

TEREZI: SHUT UP!!!

TEREZI: ON ROS3'S R41NBOW C4NDY PL4N3T

TEREZI: YOU 4PP34R3D 4ND S41D YOU H4D TH3 4B1L1TY TO CH4NG3 TH1NGS

TEREZI: TO 4LT3R H1STORY W1THOUT DOOM1NG TH3 T1M3L1N3

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: the thing with that is, um...

JOHN: wait a minute.

JOHN: terezi, are...

JOHN: are those jade's shoes???

TEREZI: M4YB3

JOHN: maybe?????

TEREZI: Y3S

JOHN: yes as in yes??

JOHN: or yes as in maybe?!

TEREZI: Y3S 4S 1N M4YB3

JOHN: terezi.

JOHN: why are you wearing jade's shoes?

JOHN: WHERE'S JADE?!

TEREZI: J4D3'S D34D

JOHN: aw, man.

JOHN: not jade too.

JOHN: are you sure?

TEREZI: Y3S JOHN

JOHN: you mean like DEAD dead?

TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY'S D34D, JOHN

JOHN: everybody??

JOHN: even dave???!!!

TEREZI: H3'S D34D, JOHN

TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY'S D34D

TEREZI: 3V3RYBODY 1S D34D, JOHN

JOHN: so...

JOHN: jade, dave, karkat... they're all...

JOHN: EVEN THE CUTE MAYOR GUY WHO DAVE LOVES SO MUCH??????

TEREZI: JOHN L3T'S NOT DO TH1S

JOHN: dammit.

JOHN: well, did you actually take jade's pulse?

JOHN: you know, she does like to sleep a lot.

TEREZI: 1 SN1FF3D BOTH H3R 4ND D4V3'S PO1GN4NTLY OV3RL4PP1NG TORSOS V3RY C4R3FULLY FOR 4 HUM4N PULS3

TEREZI: 4L4S 1 FOUND NON3 >:[

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: and then...

JOHN: you decided to take her shoes.

TEREZI: Y3S

JOHN: and you thought that was an appropriate thing to do...

JOHN: why, exactly?

TEREZI: JOHN, H3R SHO3S W3R3 R3D, SP4RKLY, 4ND D3L1C1OUS

TEREZI: 1 4M ONLY FL3SH 4ND BLOOD

JOHN: ugh, you are such a weirdo.

JOHN: why are all troll girls so WEIRD?!

JOHN: every single one i have met is some kind of depraved lunatic.

JOHN: all the troll boys i have met are just lame weenies though.

JOHN: well, except for karkat. karkat was great.

JOHN: may he rest in peace :(

TEREZI: DON'T FUCK1NG S4Y TH4T!!!

JOHN: what?!

TEREZI: H3 1S NOT D34D!

JOHN: but, you just said...

TEREZI: 1 M34N, H3 DO3SN'T H4V3 TO B3!

TEREZI: 1 D1D NOT COM3 H3R3 TO B4TH3 1N TH3 R3PUGN4NT 4TT1TUD3 OF 4 D3F34T1ST DORK

TEREZI: 1 C4M3 H3R3 TO FORC3 S41D DORK TO US3 H1S 1NCR3D1BL3 4ND TOT4LLY UNPR3C3D3NT3D POW3RS TO S3T 3V3RYTH1NG R1GHT, 3V3N 1F 1T M34NS ST4BB1NG H1M UNT1L H3 COMPL13S

JOHN: ok! you don't need to stab me, really!

JOHN: don't you think i WANT to?

JOHN: we just lost everyone we cared about! of COURSE i want to go back and change things!

JOHN: i just have no idea HOW!!!

TEREZI: TH4T 1S NOT MY PROBL3M

TEREZI: JUST 4S 4 L4CK OF STYL1SH G3MSTON3 STUDD3D FOOTW34R 1S 4LSO NOT MY PROBL3M, 4S OF PR3C1S3LY TOD4Y

TEREZI: TH3S3 TH1NGS 4R3 YOUR PROBL3MS TO SOLV3

TEREZI: BOTH TH3 P1T14BL3 L4CK OF COMM4ND OV3R YOUR Z4PPY PROW3SS, 4S W3LL 4S TH3 GROT3SQU3 P41R OF B4N4N4 LO4F3RS ON YOUR F33T

JOHN: EARGH, I FRIGGIN' *HATE* TROLL GIRLS!

ROXY: john

[hydrate-or-diedrate]

Mm this stage is getting more and more sus

HELL YEAH DIRK RIP HER SOUL OUT

Vriska self reflection hour we love to see it

FIDDLE FADDLE

EVIL CAPITALIST JANE YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Terezi don't stop he fucking deserves it goddamn it

Oh Jesus fuck

Gamzee leave her alone oh God oh shit oh fuck oh shit oh

Demon Gamzee is so scary wtf

TEREZIIII

Oh God the condesce is here

Everything's gone to shit

DAMMIT CALIBORN

I just unlocked something called tales from paradox space I think it's time for a break

Oh my goodness these paradox space comics are adorable

John spending quality time with his dad is gonna make me cry

Oh boy Caliborn looked at the manga book apparently

Oh gosh he god tiered

Krabkrab. Honk friend. Cape douche.

Oh my god he made a deviantart

OH MY FUCKING GOD ITS AN ACTUAL PAGE

Thanks, manga! 👍

SHE IS NO DOUBT HOPING FOR... *MUCHAS SMOOCHES*

I'm gonna cry caliborn's art self jerk is so funny

HIS SELF INSERTION GUY

"MY'LADY"

Oh hey, John. Nice to see ya

Oh shit he's mad oh fuck

GAME OVER?

BAHAHAHAHA

OH FUCK MURDER IS HAPPENING

KARKAT NOOO

NO NO NO NO NO NO NOT MY BOY GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

YES KANAYA KILL HIM

NOT DAVE TOO

TEREZIIII

EVERYBODY I CARE ABOUT IS DEAD EXCEPT FOR ROSE AND ROXY AND JOHN

AND MAYBE THE DIRK THATS STILL FLYING IN AT THE EDGE OF THE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

WAAAAAAAAA

FUCK

FUCK YOU ARANEA THIS IS YOUR FAULT

(Little Misfortune voice) Yikes forever

CALIBORN GO AWAY

Screaming

ZILLYLOOT! HONK WHEE TOOT BOING ITS A KICKSTARTER PARODY WHEEEEEEEEEEE

Oh my god caliborn already made a cryptocurrency

All my favorite blorbos are dead how is there supposed to be another entire act of this unless the condesce either brings Jane to life with the ring so she can resurrect people or this is a doomed timeline

Or maybe John can figure out his dumb anti-canon bullshit and fix everything

Hi John:(

Hi Dirk :(

Hi Rose and Roxy :(

NO GODDAMIT ROSE IS DEAD TOO

They're dropping like flies

No fuck off terezi you were so dead back there don't you dare

JADE MADE HER TROLLSONA 🥺🥺

The denizens oh my god John start moving right the fuck now

I have so many tumblr notifications right now and I swear if it's all of you people vaguely giggling in the comments about me approaching the part where everyone dies for real this time I'll lose it /aff

"There's no place like home." John you cheesy motherfucker

Okay so this is not the alpha Jade

Or, judging by adult calliope's story and how John died, it might be the new real Jade?

PISS ASS FUCKING THE OIL BITCH ASS MOTHERFUCK SHIT FUCK AAAAAAA

Hussie you motherfucker you've either been playing the long game from the very beginning or you went back and edited the pages later

WE GET TO HEAR JOHN PLAY MUSIC AGAIN YESSSS

The fireflies 🥹

Oh gosh it's another game

I guess I have to stop here for now aaaaaaaaaa

Day 19 of reading homestuck wow

Oh yay! Roxy got to build her fort! I mean yeah she's still in jail and all that, but fort!

Roxy you boy crazy bitch

John you are exclaiming about the magic ring WAY too loudly

STFU CALIBORN YOUR CURTSINS ARE UGLY

Act 6 act 6 act 2 this is getting egregious

Hi John!! Welcome to scribble hell!

"Respectfully plagiarized"

LOSHIT

FLY, SHIT BISCUIT! FLY!!!

Smut blade? Really??

Me too, John. Me too

I love John so much he's such a little guy

YEAH JOHN TELL HIM

I need to chill before this turns into me just posting frames from the story agsjhdhjs

Okay but this one is really good

Caliborn's ugly ass curtains don't even close 😭

FUCK OFF GAMZEE

FUCK OFF GAMZEE X2 WHY DOES THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAVE THE RING

Aranea?! I swear to fuck you better not turn out to be evil

GODDAMMIT ARANEA THIS MIGHT EVEN BE WORSE THAN BEING EVIL

Aranea this is a really dumb plan

NO NOT THE HUMMINGBIRDS

HEY ARANEA THIS KID IS STILL 16 QUIT GRABBING HIM LIKE THAT

ARANEA THIS IS NOT CONSENSUAL HEALING FUCKING STOP AAAA

Hell yeah Roxy shazam yourself outta there

Aw fuck Jake is going nuclear

Oh my god

GAD ZOOKS

BOY HOWDY

HOLY TOLEDO

LAND SAKES ALIVE

HELLO NURSE

BY GUM

AY CHIHUAHUA

Oh my gosh Dave has a puppet butt watch

BOBS YOUR UNCLE

JUMPIN JEHOSAPHAT

SHIVER ME TIMBERS

WIN

ONE

FOR

THE GIPPER

Aranea what are you doing

ARANEA STOP

JADE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST UNDER THE HOUSE IMAGERY

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Aranea you are so fucking awful

Everything was gonna be fine but nooooo

I am Brain Ghost Dirk.

You kissed my boyfriend.

Prepare to die.

SHUCKY DARN

TEREZI WOOOO

OH FUCK JACK IS HERE

Poor Jade and Calliope waaaaaaa

Jade is making a trollsona 🥺

[viviantimmet]

AU where grimdark!rose is revived by the horrorterrors while dream!rose is going on her suicide mission and now there is two of them. And also there is one full friendgroup on the battleship.

They just replace all the missing organs and blood with void.

They can't seal the skin though, which is fine because people remaining alive with a hole through their abdomen is kinda a motif in homestuck.

This void happens to be a superposition of the Furthest Ring, just like the kings's scepters are Skaia.

Grimrose is unconscious for all of Jade's part of Cascade, and then sometime after she wakes, circumstantially simultaneously with dream!rose going god tier

One of her eyes gets replaced with the Green Sun.

(because it would be cool, fuck you)

Featuring:

Everybody learning sign language because Grimrose still can't speak normally.

(this is because she doesn't actually have vocal chords. Its all void in there. She screamed them out when she first went grimdark.)

Davesprite having friends.

Everybody assuming other Dave is dead, and not knowing there's another Rose, so they're very surprised when they get to the alpha session.

I can't think of anything else because it has been forever since I read act 6 last. Maybe I'll extend this once I get there.

(did John and Jade know Rose and Dave were going on a suicide mission? I do not remember.)

[harley-style]

Reading the Homestuck Epilogues 3 (parts 21-30)

Hey guys I'm back on my bullshit! Here's hoping it goes well lol but we all know that's just a pipe dream.

Anyway, here's the previous part!!

Now onto the chaos!

A coffin is still fukcing heavy and you're telling me Jake and John ALONE can carry the fucking thing? omg.

I feel like Roxy is not treating this funeral the rightul respect and somberness it deserves, but is it just me or...?

Aradia and Sollux! and they really don't give a shit about most things dont they. Aradia only came here for the corpse party and honestly, slay

I get heart palpitations when Dave calls Jade babe. also poor karkat he's at the back. noooo

Wait. Is teen dead jade from fucking MEAT??? or is she the one from. uh. the caliborn narrative takeover thing. listen its been a while since i read the later homestuck ok i barely remember what happened in act 6

LOL YES AWKWARD ROSE RIGHTS

Jane. Jane you fucking moron.

Karkat literally do not rise to the bait I am begging

"sometimes i wonder what it'd be like if he was still here" FAMOUS LAST WORDS

SO IT IS MEAT JADE

MOTHERFUCK

please god just let john and terezi be together their dynamic is SO GOOD

oh they're 26 now awesome

OH NO JANE WHAT THE FUCK

okay i know it's bad to blame everything on jane but I HAVE A FEELING SHE'S INVOLVED

WHAT OKAY WHAT THE FUCK

POPULATION CONTROL IS ONE THING BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT NOT ALLOWING TROLLS TO ADVANCE POSITIONS THAT"S BULLSHIT

oh? OH???? RESISTANCE POG????

okay fuck everyone else rebellion leader karkat is my bitch now

why is eridan fuschia is this a typeset error

john you're a moron (affectionate)

:((( what happened to "not taking your shit" roxy :((((

Save Tavros From Evil

yknow what i hate about candy davejade rn is that they keep everything buried and pretend everything's fine. like jade baby at least push dave or pester rose about what's wrong with dave like....?? idk! but not this!!!

okay. what the actual shit jane. yknow what? you're a bitch! you're a full on bitch and i hope you get what's coming to you. what the FUCK am i hearing from you? that is NOT how you treat your friends/datemates!

fuck you guys im reading a bunch of aus to cope wit this mess of an epilogue

okay i love and support whatever john's trying to do but this plan is. not the best.

I just skipped over an entire conversation because i cannot deal with that rn. someone tell me what happened during the time john tries convincing tavros to leave the crocker household

WOW OMINOUS

johnrezi/junerezi rights :((((

:(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

KARKAT!!!!!!!!!!

Huh. That's a less brutal capital punishment than I was expecting. Still horrifying! but I expected more blood. which was kinda dumb of me lol.

REMEMBER WHEN KARKAT USED OT BE SO EMBARRASSED BY BUCKETS??? MY BOY HAS GROWN

Kanaya Is Right Karkat Call Dave That Bitch Is Dumb Enough To Run To Your Side The Instant You Ask For Him

But Bat Your Pretty Eye For Extra Simping

MEENAH

let's kick it karkat lets goooo

NO THE FISH PUNS ARE COOL

That is a whole ass page of words sir

John :(

"epilogue six" what the fuck does this mean

these kids are thirteen w h a t

ARE KARKAT AND MEENAH TOGETHER????

okay aradia has a point its extremely ironic for karkat to reach the peak of his heroism in a world that objectively *does not fucking matter* and the "meaty" timeline where everything "DOES" matter is where he's... well, we all know.

oh no,,,,the davejade wedding,,,,this hurts.

THIS HURTS DAVE IS STILL LOOKING FOR KARKAT

okay everyone seems to be like, convinced meenah and karkat are a thing but are they REALLY? karkat hasn't come out and said anything specifically.

HE RIPPED HER PHOTO NOOOOOO

lock industry?????

Vriska's back everybody say hello

"is it the prince" IM SORRY WHAT

when WHO falls???

jake what the fuck happened to you. oh my god you don't deserve this. leave her. leave jane's stank ass.

ah. i remember karkat talking about how he wasn't to blame for mr. crocker dying, in hs2. guys id apologize for spoiling myself like this but i think you'd understand: this post-canon thing is pain. everything hurts. if i want spoilers im getting spoilers.

GUYS. NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDNT BUTT YOUR STUPID GODLY SELVES INTO THE MIX. THE FUCK ARE YOU BLAMING THE TROLLS FOR. JANE.

oh boy.

WELP THAT'S PART THREE FOLKS. WOW I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I WISH TO UNFEEL. THE BLOOD OF MY DREAMS HAVE BEEN SACRIFICED TO THE GODS OF PARADOX SPACE AND NEVER AGAIN SHALL I SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY.

[littleoddwriter]

Well some of the autistic traits I see in Kurt are some I noticed from an edit I watched.

Remember when Luis and him are arguing over the oatmeal packets? I can see an aversion to certain textures.

He has hyperfixations such as technology and russian folk lore.

The main one I see is stimming. He flaps his arms around and jumps up and down

Hi there, sorry it took me a couple more days to reply!

Anyway, thank you for sending me these - I've also just re-watched all of his scenes; and I absolutely agree with all your points. Food texture is definitely an issue for him! "It tastes like sand" is just super specific, but I know exactly what he means and it really is an unpleasant texture (in my opinion). Technology and Russian folk lore are definitely his special interests! And I love that, because it's very consistent and even in the What If...? episode it's almost confirmed, if you will (when Peter is showing the video they made and Kurt is introduced). And his stimming, gosh, yeah--- He has to go in with his full body to regulate, whereas the others are fine after a couple of high-fives and such (focusing on the end of the second movie, here); but he has to get up and move some more in repetitive motions. I love that! This is just such an awesome detail that will never not make me smile. It's also super relatable, fsjfhskjf.

A couple of things I noticed that may or may not be "evidence" of his autistic traits are: He's very literal - for the lack of a better word (the Titanic scene - Dave generalises it and says the iceberg killed everyone, and immediately, Kurt jumps in and corrects him with "the old lady" not being dead; which is something I do all the time as well, so I don’t know---). He's kind of socially awkward, but Kurt might also just be masking, so it's not as noticeable, but not every autistic person is super socially awkward, after all, either, so yeah- I also find his facial expressions and tone of voice/way of speaking of interest, there! He's rather expressionless and monotonous, except when he's very scared, happy or irritated, or he is more comfortable, I’d say. Which, sure, not everybody is always overly expressive; but it is more common for autistic people to have trouble adjusting both their facial expression and tone of voice to what they're saying, hence why I believe it stands out. It’s not consistently that way, though, and I actually notice a bit of a difference between the two movies in terms of that - as in, he’s more expressive in the second one.

Okay, I can't think of any more examples. Again, if anybody wants to share their thoughts on this, I'd be happy to keep discussing it! :')

[snake-rot]

(EXCLAIMING)

(ORCHESTRA MUSIC BLARING)

(GROANS)

(WHIMPERS)

(GRUNTING)

(MYSTICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GROANS)

(COUNTRY ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(COUGHS)

Sweet home Alabama

Where the skies are so blue

WOMAN: Excuse me, sir, is there a commode?

Sweet home Alabama

(GRUNTING)

Lord, I'm coming home to you

(GRUNTS) Justin!

Quick, honey, take my picture. I got the pyramid in my hand.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Yeah

Justin, you get back here right now!

No, stop!

GUARD 1: No, no, no! Stop him! GUARD 2: Go back! Don't climb!

(JUSTIN IMITATING AIRPLANE WHOOSHING)

Wait, wait.

Hold on. Easy, little boy.

Okay, stop, child! Stop right there. No!

(GASPS)

No, no, no, no, no! Oh! There he goes.

(GASPS)

Justin!

I've got him! I've got him!

(JUSTIN GRUNTS)

(AIR ESCAPING)

Outrage in Egypt tonight as it was discovered

that the Great Pyramid of Giza had been stolen

and replaced by a giant inflatable replica.

There is panic throughout the globe as countries and citizens

try to protect their beloved landmarks.

Law enforcement still has no leads,

leaving everyone to wonder, which of the world's villains

is responsible for this heinous crime?

And where will he strike next?

Gru: Freeze ray! Freeze ray! Freeze ray! [laughs evilly] Fred: Morning, Gru! How you doing? Gru: Hello, Fred. FYI, your dog has been leaving little bombs all over my yard, and I don't appreciate it. Fred: Sorry. You know dogs. They go wherever they wanna go. Gru: Unless they're dead. [laughs] I'm joking! Although, it is true. Anyway, have a good one. Fred: Okay. Yeah. Steamrolling whatever Gru: [groans] You've got to be pulling on my leg! Margo: Hello! Cookies for sale. Gru: Go away. I'm not home. Margo: Uh, yes, you are. I heard you. Gru: [gasps] No, you didn't. This... [monotone] is a recording. Margo: [scoffs] No, it isn't. Gru: Yes, it is. [o.s.] Watch this. Leave a message, beep. [Edith kicks the door] Gru: Ow! Agnes: Goodbye, recorded message. Margo: [o.s.] Agnes, come on. Gru: Huh? [screams] Kyle! Bad dog! No! No, no. Sit. My muffin. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Ah, Dr. Nefario. Dr. Nefario: I know how you must be feeling. I, too, have encountered great disappointment, but, in my eyes, you will always be one of the greats. Gru: What? What happened? Dr. Nefario: It's all over the news! Some fella just stole a pyramid. They're saying he makes all other villains look... lame. pause Gru: Assemble the minions! [throws Kyle off of his arm] Minions, assemble! Minion: Okay. Okay. Hey! Gru: Looking good, Kevin! How is the family? Good? All right. That's my Billy boy! What up, Larry? Hello, everybody! Yeah, all right! Simmer down. Simmer down! Thank you, okay. Now, I realize that you guys probably heard about this other villain who stole the pyramids. Apparently, it's a big deal. People are calling it the crime of the century and stuff like that. But am I upset? No, I am not! A little, but we have had a pretty good year ourselves, and you guys are all right in my book. Minion: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Gru: No, no raises! You're not going to get any raises. What did we do? Well, we stole the Times Square JumboTron! Nice! That's how I roll. Yeah, you all like watching football on that, huh? But that's not all. We stole the Statue of Liberty, the small one from Las Vegas. And I won't even mention the Eiffel Tower! Also Vegas. Okay, I wasn't going to tell you about this yet, but I have been working on something very big! Something that will blow this pyramid thing out of the water! And thanks to the efforts of my good friend Dr. Nefario... Dr. Nefario: Thank you! Gru: There he is. He's stylin'. Now, we have located a shrink ray in a secret lab, and once we take this shrink ray, we will have the capability to pull off the 'true crime of the century. We are going to steal... The Minions all pull out their weapons in response. Gru: Wait, wait! I haven't told you what it is yet. One of the Minions, Dave, shoots his rocket launcher at a crowd of Minions. Gru: Hey. Dave, listen up, please! Dave: Ditto. One of the Minions Dave shot walks over to him and punches him on the shoulder. Gru: Next, we are going to steal, pause for effect, the moon! The Minions cheer in response. Gru: And once the moon is mine, the world will give me whatever I want to get it back! And I will be the greatest villain of all time! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout. [picks up his phone] Yes? Dr. Nefario: Hello, Gru? I've been crunching some numbers, and I really don't see how we can afford this. It can't be done. I'm not a miracle worker. Gru:Hey, chillax. I'll just get another loan from the bank. They love me! Margo: Edith, stop it! Edith: What? I'm just walking. Girls: Hi, Miss Hattie. We're back. Miss Hattie: Hello, girls! Agnes: Anybody come to adopt us while we were out? Miss Hattie: Hmm... Let me think. No! Edith immediately puts a mud pie on Miss Hattie's desk, much to her displeasure. Miss Hattie: Edith! What did you put on my desk? Edith: A mud pie. Miss Hattie: [sighs] You're never gonna get adopted, Edith. You know that, don't you? Edith: Yeah, I know. Miss Hattie: Good. So, how did it go, girls? Did we meet our quotas? Margo: Hmm... Sorta. We sold 43 mini-mints, 30 choco-swirlies and 18 coco-nutties. Miss Hattie: [gets up] Okay.

Well, you say that like it's a great sale day. [furious] Look at my face! Do you still think it's a great sale day? Edith rolls her eyes in response. Miss Hattie: [hangs up a portrait] Eighteen coco-nutties. I think we can do a little better than that, don't you? Yeah. We wouldn't want to spend the weekend in the Box of Shame, would we? No. Girls: No, Miss Hattie. Miss Hattie: Okay, good. Off you go. Go clean something of mine. Girls: Hi, Penny. Penny: Hi, guys. Gru: Hello, Mom. Sorry, I meant to call, but... Gru's Mom: I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid. [Gru sighs in disgust] That was you, wasn't it? Or was it a villain who's actually successful? [laughs] Gru: Just so you know, Mom, I am about to do something that's very, very big, very important. When you hear about it, you're going to be very proud. Gru's Mom: Ha! [sarcastically] Good luck with that. Okay, I'm outta here. [hangs up the phone before sending her karate instructor flying] Gru: Gru to see Mr Perkins Receptionist: Yes, please have a seat. Neil Armstrong: That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Young Gru: Ma, someday I'm going to go to the moon. Gru's Mom: I'm afraid you're too late, Son. NASA isn't sending the monkeys any more. Vector: Hey. I'm applying for a new villain loan. Go by the name of Vector. It's a mathematical term, a quantity represented by an arrow, with both direction and magnitude. Vector! That's me, 'cause I'm committing crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh, yeah! Check out my new weapon. Piranha gun! Oh, yes! Fires live piranhas. Ever seen one before? No, you haven't. I invented it. Do you want a demonstration? Shoot! So difficult, sometimes, to get the piranha back inside of my... Receptionist: Mr Gru, Mr Perkins will see you now. Gru: So, all I need is money from the bank to build a rocket. And then, the moon is ours. Perkins: Wow! Well, very nice presentation. I'd like to see this shrink ray. Gru: Absolutely! Will do. Soon as I have it. Perkins: You don't have it? And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money? Gru: Apparently. Perkins: Do you have any idea of the capital that this bank has invested in you, Gru? With far too few of your sinister plots actually turning a profit. How can I put it? Let's say this apple is you. If we don't start getting our money back... Get the picture? Look, Gru, the point is, there are a lot of new villains out there, younger than you, hungrier than you, younger than you. Like that young fellow out there named Vector. He just stole a pyramid! Gru: I've got it. I've got it. So, as far as getting money for the rocket... Perkins: Get the shrink ray, then we'll talk. Minion: Suckers! Suckers! Gru: We got it! What? Hey! Hey! What! Hey! No, no, no! You! Vectors: Now, maybe you'll think twice before you freeze someone's head! So long, Gru! Gru: Quick! We can't let him get away! Up ahead! Up ahead! Fire! Fire, now! Vector: You missed me! Gru: Come to papa! Take that. Vector: How adorable. Gru: Got you in our sights! Like taking candy from a... What? Vector: Hey, Gru! Try this on for size! Gru: That's weird. What is going... This is claustrophobic! No, no, no! Too small! This is too small for me! [groans] I hate that guy. Margo: ...and please watch over us, and bless that we'll have a good night's sleep. Edith: And bless that while we're sleeping, no bugs will crawl into our ears and lay eggs in our brains. Margo: Great. Thanks for that image, Edith. Agnes: And please bless that someone will adopt us soon, and that the mommy and daddy will be nice and have a pet unicorn. Amen. Margo/Edith: Amen. Agnes: Unicorns, I love them Unicorns, I love them Uni, uni, unicorns I love them Uni, unicorns, I could pet one If they were really real And they are So, I bought one so I could pet it Now it loves me Now I love it Gru: Don't you... What the... Good luck, little girls! Edith: Whoa! Cool. Margo: Hi! We're orphans from Miss Hattie's Home for Girls. Vector: I don't care. Beat it! Margo: Come on! We're selling

cookies so, you know, we can have a better future. Vector: Wait, wait! Do you have coco-nutties? Margo: Yeah. Gru: Light bulb. Dr Nefario! I'm going to need a dozen tiny robots disguised as cookies! Dr. Nefario: What? Gru: Cookie robots! Dr. Nefario: Who is this? - Gru: Oh, forget it. Mrs. Hattie: Well, it appears you have cleared our background check, Dr Gru. And I see you have made a list of some of your personal achievements. Thank you for that. I love reading. And I see you have been given the Medal of Honor and a knighthood. - Minions: Me, me, me. Me, me, me. Minion: Kevin? Mrs. Hattie: You had your own cooking show and you can hold your breath for 30 seconds? It's not that impressive. Minion: Idiot! - Minions: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Mrs Hattie: What in the name of... What? Gru: Well, here's the dealio. Things have been so lonely since my wife, Debbie, passed on. It's like my heart is a tooth, and it's got a cavity that can only be filled with children. I'm sorry. You are a beautiful woman. Do you speak Spanish? Mrs. Hattie: Do I look like I speak Spanish? Gru: You have a face como un burro. Mrs. Hattie: Well, thank you! Gru: Anyway, can we proceed with this adoption? So, so excited! Mrs. Hattie: Please tell Margo, Edith and Agnes to come to the lobby. Margo: I bet the mom is beautiful! Edith: I bet the daddy's eyes sparkle. Agnes: I bet their house is made of Gummi Bears. [Edith and Margo look at her curiously] I'm just saying it'd be nice. [picks up a Cheeto] Aww. My caterpillar never turned into a butterfly. Edith: That's a Cheeto. Agnes: Oh... [eats said Cheeto, making Edith and Margo recoil in disgust] Miss Hattie: Well, Debbie was a very lucky woman. [pause] Gru: Who's Debbie? Mrs Hattie: Your wife. Hi, girls! Girls, I want you to meet Mr Gru. He's going to adopt you. And he's a dentist! Agnes: Yeah! Margo: Hi. I'm Margo. This is Edith. And that's Agnes. Agnes: [sing-song] I got your leg, I got your leg! Gru: Okay, that is enough, little girl. Let go of my leg. Come on. You can do it. Agnes: Higher! Higher! Gru: Just release your grip. Wow! How do you remove them? Is there a command? Some nonstick spray? Crowbar? [sighs] Okay, girls, let's go. [They drove off in the distance.]Vector: Uh-huh! Oh, yeah! Pretty impressive! What are you looking at? Boo-ya! You got shrunk, tiny mouthwash! Take that! You done been shrunk! (His phone rings) Yello? I got the shrink ray, all right. No, I'm not playing with it. Gru? Don't make me laugh! No. P.S., he is not getting the moon, and P.P.S., by the time I'm done with him, he's gonna be begging for mercy. (Shrinks a toilet) Okay, bye. (Hangs up) Look at you, a little tiny toilet for a little tiny baby to... [The toilet pops out and water sprays him.]Vector: Curse you, tiny toilet! [Gru and the Girls arrive at Gru's Home.] Gru: "Okay, here we are. Home sweet home. Margo: So... This is, like, your house? [realizing] Wait a sec... You're the guy who pretended he was a recorded message! Gru: No, that was someone else. [Margo gives a skeptical look before she, Edith and Agnes enter Gru's house, with Gru following suite.] Agnes: [scared] Can I hold your hand? Gru: Uh... No. Edith: [looks around] When we got adopted by a bald guy, I thought this'd be more like "Annie". Gru: No, hey! [screams] Kyle, these are not treats. These are guests. Girls, this is Kyle, my... Dog. Kyle snarls in anger. Agnes: Ooh! Fluffy doggy! [approaches Kyle before he runs away, much to her disappointment] Margo: What kind of dog is that? Gru: He is a... I don't know. Margo: Do you really think that this is an appropriate place for little kids? 'Cause, uh... It's not. [Edith sees a closet that is sharp and goes in it.] Gru: No! No! Stay away from there! It's frag... [He sees juice spilling on the floor.]Both: (Gasps) Gru: Well, I suppose the plan will work with two. Edith: [muffled] Hey! It's dark in here. [Gru opens the iron maiden, revealing Edith, who spits out a straw]Edith: It poked a hole in my juice box. [They went to the

kitchen.] Gru: As you can see, I have provided everything a child might need. All right. Okay. As I was saying... (Edith knocked a bottle down) Gru: (Cont'd) Hey! Oh. Edith: Somebody broke that. Gru: "Okay, okay. Clearly, we need to set some rules. Rule number one. You will not touch anything. Margo: Uh-huh. What about the floor? Gru: Yes, you may touch the floor. Margo: What about the air? Gru: Yes, you may touch the air! Edith: (Gets out a laser gun) What about this? Gru: (Screams) Where did you get that? Edith: [shrugs] Found it. Gru: Okay. Rule number two. You will not bother me while I'm working. Rule number three. You will not cry or whine or laugh or giggle or sneeze or burp or fart! So, no, no, no annoying sounds. All right? Agnes: Does this count as annoying? [popping] Gru: Very! [sighs] I will see you in six hours. Margo: Okay, don't worry. Everything's going to be fine. We're gonna be really happy here. Right? Agnes? Gru: Question. What are these? Dr. Nefario: A dozen boogie robots! Boogie! Look at this. Watch me! Gru: Cookie robots. I said cookie robots. Why are you so old? Dr. Nefario: Okay. I'm on it. Margo: Hello? Agnes: TV! Margo: What is that? Edith: Whoa! That is cool! Come on! Agnes: I don't think he's a dentist.Dr. Nefario: We've been working on this for a while. It's a anti-gravity serum. I meant to close that. He'll be all right, I'm sure. Gru: Do the effects wear off? Dr. Nefario: So far, no. No, they don't. And here, of course, is the new weapon you ordered. Gru: No, no. I said "dart gun," not... Okay. Dr. Nefario: Oh, yes. 'Cause I was wondering under what circumstances would we use this? But, anyway. What I really wanted to show you was this. Gru: Now those are cookie robots! Agnes: La, la, la, la I love unicorns Gru: What are you doing here? I told you to stay in the kitchen! Margo: We got bored. What is this place? Edith: Can I drink this? Dr. Nefario: Do you want to explode? [Edith kicks him in the shin] Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru: Get back in the kitchen! Agnes: Will you play with us? Gru: No. Agnes: Why? Gru: Because I'm busy. Margo: [scoffs] Doing what? Gru: Umm... Okay, okay, you got me. The dentist thing is more of a hobby. In real life, I am a spy. And it is top secret, and you may not tell anybody, because if you do... Edith: What does this do? [She fires a laser and it hits Agnes's unicorn and it burns to ashes]Gru: Hey! Edith: Whoops. Agnes: My unicorn! You have to fix it. Gru: Fix it? Look, it has been disintegrated. By definition, it cannot be fixed. [Agnes gasps in shock, then starts holding her breath] Gru: That's freaking me out. What is she doing? Margo: She's gonna hold her breath until she gets a new one. Gru: [sighs] It is just a toy. Now stop it! (Agnes faints) Gru: Okay, okay! I'll fix it! Tim! Mark! Phil! This is very important. You have to get the little girl a new unicorn toy. Gru: Hey, hey, hey! A toy! Go, and hurry! What are those? Gru: They are my... Cousins. Jerry! Stuart! Watch them and keep them away from me please. [The three minions put on a disguise and head to the store.]Minions: Wow!- Wow! [Meanwhile the two minions and the girls are tossing toilet paper at each other. Gru comes up and he sees the Girls and the two minions having fun.]Edith: It was your cousin's idea. Jerry: What? Gru: Okay, bedtime. Girls: Aww... Minions: Aww... Gru: Not you two! Minions: Yay. Gru: Okey-dokey. Beddie-bye. All tucked in. Sweet dreams. Margo: Just so you know, you're never gonna be my dad. Gru: I think I can live with that. Edith: Are these beds made out of bombs? Gru: Yes, but they are very old and highly unlikely to blow up. But try not to toss and turn. Edith: "Cool." Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story?" Gru: No. Agnes: But we can't go to sleep without a bedtime story. Gru: Well, then it's going to be a long night for you, isn't it? So, good night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite. Because there are literally thousands of them. And there's probably something in your closet. Margo: He's just kidding, Agnes. Agnes: It's beautiful. Gru: Girls, let's go.

Time to deliver the cookies! Margo: Okay. But first, we're going to dance class. Gru: Actually, we're going to have to skip the dance class today. Margo: Actually, we can't skip the dance class today. We have a big recital coming up. We're doing an excerpt from Swan Lake. Agnes: Yeah, Swan Lake! Gru: That's fantastic. Wonderful. But we're going to deliver cookies! Come on! Margo: No. Gru: No? Margo: We're not going to deliver cookies until we do dance class. Really? Gru: Well, I am not driving you to dance class. So if you want to go, you are going to have to walk yourselves. What are you doing? Margo: Walking to dance class. Gru: Ya? Okay, fine. You just keep walking, because I'm really not driving you! Margo: Okay. Gru: You're going to suffer the wrath of Gru! Seriously, I'm going to count to three! And you had better be in this car! Here we go! One! Two! Teacher: ...three, four and five. And lift, and stretch. And one, and two... Agnes: Here you go. Gru: What is it? Agnes: Your ticket to the dance recital. You are coming, right? Gru: Of course, of course. I have pins and needles that I'm sitting on. Agnes: Pinkie promise? Gru: Oh, yes. My pinkie promises. All right. Our first customer is a man named Vector. Margo: But he's a V. You know, we're supposed to start with the A's. Then we go to the B's. Then we... Gru: Yes, yes! I went to kindergarten. I know how the alphabet works! I was just thinking that it might be nice to deliver Mr Vector's first. That is all. Almost over. It's almost over. Vector: Girls, welcome back to the fortress of Vector-tude! Do you have my cookies for me? Margo: Four boxes of mini-mints, two toffee totes, two caramel clumpies and fifteen boxes of coco-nutties. Vector: Exactly. I'd like to see somebody else order that many cookies. Not likely. Name one person who ordered more cookies than me. Margo: That'll be $52. Vector: Right. Seven, eight, nine... Tic Tacs! Where was I? Seven, eight, nine... Agnes: Why are you wearing pyjamas? Vector: These aren't pyjamas! This is a warm-up suit. Edith: What are you warming up for? Vector: Stuff. Agnes: What sort of stuff? Vector: Super-cool stuff you wouldn't understand. Agnes: Like sleeping? Vector: They are not pyjamas! Here you go, 52 big ones. Bye! Gru: Come on! Vector: What the...? Quiet down, fish. Down, boy!Gru: [laughs] We did it! Come on, girls, let's go! Margo: But what about the other people who ordered cookies? Gru: Life is full of disappointments... For some people. [chuckles ominously] Agnes: (Screams) Gru: Don't do that! Agnes: Super Silly Fun Land! Can we go? Please? Gru: No. Edith: But we've never been. And it's the funnest place on earth! Gru: "Don't care." Girls: Please? Please? We'll never ask for anything else, ever again! Pretty please? Please? Come on! Come on! Gru: "Light bulb." Edith: Come on! Gru: "Goodbye, have fun. [He began to leave. But a attendant of the roller coaster stopped him.]Carnival Ride Worker: Sorry, dude. They can't ride without an adult. Gru: What? [groans] [Soon Gru gets sick from the roller coaster ride.]Agnes: Oh, my gosh! Look at that fluffy unicorn! He's so fluffy, I'm gonna die! Margo: You've gotta let us play for it! Gru: No, no, no. Agnes: Come on! Gru: How much for the fluffy unicorn?Carnival Barker: Well, it is not for sale. But all you gotta do to win it is knock down that little spaceship there. It's easy! Agnes: Yay! Again! Margo: Wait! Edith: Come on. One more time! Agnes: Just one more. I accidentally closed my eyes. I hit it! I hit it! Edith: That was cool. Awww. Gru: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What was that? She hit that. I saw that with my own eyes.Carnival Barker: Hey, buddy, let me explain something to you. You see that little tin spaceship? You see how it's not knocked over? Do you know what that means, professor? It means you don't get the unicorn! Somebody's got a frowny face. Boo! Better luck next time! Gru: Okay, my turn. [Gru uses a fire gun and it blows up the whole booth.]Gru: "Knocked over!" Agnes: It's so fluffy! Yeah! Margo: That was

awesome! Edith: You blew up the whole thing! Agnes: Let's go. Let's try another game!Dr. Nefario: Gru, do you mind if I have a quick word? Gru: Okay, girls, go play. I got the shrink ray! Cotton candy! Dr. Nefario: We have 12 days until the moon is in optimum position. We can't afford any distractions! Gru: Get me Perkins. Sorry to bother you, Mr Perkins, but I figured that you would want to see this! Mr. Perkins: What? Well done, Gru. Rather impressive.Gru: Now, the rest of the plan is simple. I fly to the moon. I shrink the moon. I grab the moon. I sit on the toi-let. What? (girls start laughing) Sorry. Sorry! Could you excuse me for just one second? I told you not to touch my things. I told you, I told you. I've told you a thousand times. Margo: Hey, can we order pizza? Gru: Pizza? You just had lunch. Edith: Not now, for dinner. Gru: Dinner? Just... Fine, fine, fine, whatever. Just get back in there! Margo: Can we get stuffed crust? Agnes and Jerry: Stuffed crust!Gru: I'll stuff you all in the crust! Agnes: [giggles] You're funny! Gru: Just don't come out of that room again! All right. Sorry about that. Where were we? Mr. Perkins: You were sitting on the toilet. Gru: No, no, no! No, I'm sorry. It was a little attempt at humor. I know how much you like to laugh... [Mr. Perkins glares at him] Inside. Eh, now, I was saying... [the door suddenly opens] You don't seem terribly focused, Gru. Believe me, I am completely focused. Right? Edith: Hello! Mr. Perkins: What? Edith: That guy is huge! Agnes: Are we on TV? Mr. Perkins: What are those? Children?Gru: What are you doing? I told you to stay out of here! No, no, no! *Agnes: Freeze ray!Mr. Perkins: Mr Gru? Gru: Okay. As I was saying... Mr. Perkins: No need to continue. I've seen quite enough. Gru: But my plan... Mr. Perkins: Is a great plan. I love everything about your plan, except for one thing. You. Young Gru: Look, Mom, I drew a picture of me landing on the moon! Look, Mom, I made a prototype of the rocket out of macaroni! Look, Mom, I made a real rocket based on the macaroni prototype! Gru: I don't understand. Mr. Perkins: Let's face reality, Gru. You've been at this for far too long with far too little success. We're gonna put our faith, our money, into a... Well, a younger villain. Gru: But I... Mr. Perkins: It's over. Goodbye, Gru. Gru: Now, I know there have been some rumours going around that the bank is no longer funding us. Well, I am here to put those rumours to rest. They are true. In terms of money, we have no money. So how will we get to the moon? The answer is clear. We won't. We are doomed. Now would probably be a good time to look for other employment options. I know. I have fired up my resume as I suggest that all of you do, as well. What is it? Can't you see that I am in the middle of a pep talk? Yes! Yes, we will build our own rocket using this and whatever else we can find! Grab everything! Hit the junkyards! Take apart the cars! Who needs the bank? Let's go. Let's go! Mom! What are you doing here? Gru's Mom: And here he is in the bathtub. Look at his little buns. Gru: Mom. Not cool. Gru's Mom: And here, he's all dressed up in his Sunday best. Margo: He looks like a girl! Gru's Mom: Yes, he does. An ugly girl! Agnes: You're funny! Edith: Yes! Mine's shaped like a dead guy! Receptionist: Mr. Perkins, your son is here. Mr. Perkins: Send him in. Vector: Hey, Dad. You wanted to see me? Mr. Perkins: Yes, I did, Victor. - Vector: I am not Victor anymore. Victor was my nerd name. Now I am Vector! Mr. Perkins: Sit down. Do you know where the shrink ray is? Vector: Duh! Back at my place. Mr. Perkins: Oh, is that right? Back at your place? That's cool. I guess Gru must just have one that looks exactly like it! Vector: What the...?! Those girls sold me cookies! Mr. Perkins: Do you have any idea how lucrative this moon heist could be? I give you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you just blow it! Vector: No, I didn't. Mr. Perkins: Oh, really?Vector: You just wait until Gru sees my latest weapon. Squid-launcher! Oh, yeah! Man:

There's a squid on my face!Vector: Don't worry. The moon is as good as ours. Gru: Come on now, it's bedtime. Did you brush your teeth? Let me smell. Let me smell. You did not! Put on your PGs. Hold still. Okay, seriously! Seriously! This is beddie-bye time, right now. I'm not kidding around. I mean it! Edith: But we're not tired! Gru: Well, I am tired. Agnes: Will you read us a bedtime story? [pause] Gru: No. Agnes: Pretty please? Gru: The physical appearance of the "please" makes no difference. It is still no, so go to sleep. Edith: But we can't. We're all hyper! Margo: And without a bedtime story, we'll just keep getting up and bugging you. All night long. Gru: [sighs] Fine. All right, all right. Sleepy Kittens. Sleepy Kittens? What are these? Agnes: Puppets. You use them when you tell the story. Gru: Okay, let's get this over with. "Three little kittens loved to play, they had fun in the sun all day. "Then their mother came out and said, 'Time for kittens to go to bed."' Wow! This is garbage. You actually like this? Agnes: Keep reading! Edith: Come on! Gru: All right, all right, all right. "Three little kittens started to bawl, "'Mommy, we're not tired at all.' "Their mother smiled and said with a purr, "'Fine, but at least you should brush your fur."' Edith: Now you brush the fur. Gru: This is literature? A 2-year-old could have written this. All right. "Three little kittens with fur all brushed "said, 'We can't sleep, we feel too rushed! ' "Their mother replied, with a voice like silk, "'Fine, but at least you should drink your milk."' Agnes: Now make them drink the milk. Gru: I don't like this book. This is going on forever. "Three little kittens, with milk all gone, rubbed their eyes and started to yawn. "'We can't sleep, we can't even try.' Then their mother sang a lullaby. "'Good night kittens, close your eyes. Sleep in peace until you rise. "'Though while you sleep, we are apart, "'your mommy loves you with all her heart."' The end. Okay, good night. Agnes: Wait! Gru: What? Agnes: What about good night kisses? Gru: No, no. There will be no kissing or hugging or kissing. Margo: He is not gonna kiss us good night, Agnes. Agnes: I like him. He's nice.Edith: [turns off her light] But scary. Like Santa! Dr. Nefario: Only 48 hours till the launch, and all systems are go. Gru: About that, I was thinking that maybe we could move the date of the heist. Dr. Nefario: Please tell me this is not as a result of the girls' dance recital, is it? Gru: No, no, no! The recital? Don't... That's stupid! I just think it's kind of weird to do it on a Saturday. I was thinking, maybe a heist is a Tuesday thing, right? Dr. Nefario: Gru, you and I have been working on this for years. It's everything we've dreamed of. Your chance to make history, become the man who stole the moon! But these girls are becoming a major distraction! They need to go. If you don't do something about it, then I will. Gru: I understand. Dr. Nefario: Good. Minion: Butt. Butt. Butt. Gru: All right. Now, when we put our cups together, we will make the "clink" sound with our mouths. Ready? Edith? Gru: and Edith: Clink. Gru: There we go. And now we drink. And Agnes? Gru and Agnes: Clink. Gru: Very good! Excuse me, girls. Girls: Come on! Gru: Don't worry, I'll be back. Keep clinking. - Clink, clink. - Clink, clink.Gru: Miss Hattie, what are you doing here? Miss Hattie: I'm here for the girls. I received a call that you wanted to return them. [Gru gives her a quizzical look] And also, I did purchase a Spanish dictionary. [swats Gru's head with the dictionary] I didn't like what you said. Gru: But... I will get the girls ready. Agnes: Don't let her take us, Mr. Gru! Tell her you wanna keep us. Mrs. Hattie: All right, girls. Come on, let's go. Margo: Goodbye, Mr. Gru. Thanks for everything. Dr. Nefario: I did it for your own good. Come on, let's go get that moon. Gru: Right. What is this for? The recital? I am the greatest criminal mind of the century. I don't go to little girls' dance recitals! Dr. Nefario: Opening launch bay

doors. Commencing launch sequence. And we are good to go in T minus 10 seconds. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six... Vector: Oh, yeah! Gru: Nice work, Doctor. All systems go. Vector: Boo-ya! My flight suit. Oh, yeah! Once again, the mighty... Gru: I've got it! I've got the moon! I've got the moon. I can make it. Dr. Nefario: Wait a minute! Jerry: Kevin! Gru: Come on! Come on! Agnes: He's still not here. Margo: Why would he come? He gave us up. Agnes: But he pinkie promised! Teacher: Girls, girls, places. Edith: No, we can't start yet! We're still expecting someone. Agnes: Can we just wait a few more minutes? Teacher: All right. But just a few more minutes. Margo: He's not coming, guys. Dr. Nefario: Gru! Gru, can you hear me? Quick, we have to warn him, and fast!Gru: Okay, okay. There's the library. That's Third Street. The dance studio... There! There! There it is! Janitor: Sorry, buddy. Show's over.Gru: Over? Gru: Vector, open up! Vector: First give me the moon. Then we'll talk. Agnes: Mr. Gru! Vector: Zip it, Happy Meal. Gru: Now, the girls. Vector: Actually, I think I'll hold on to them a little while longer. Gru: No! Vector: Oh, yeah! Unpredictable! Gru: Listen close, you little punk. When I get in there, you are in for a world of pain! Vector: [laughs sarcastically] I'm really scared. Agnes: He is gonna kick your butt. Vector: What? He punched my shark! Dr. Nefario: There he is! Hang on, Gru. Oh, no! Gru: Vector has the girls. Go! Dr. Nefario: What happened to the ship? It's big again! Not as big as the moon is going to be! Gru: What? Dr. Nefario: The larger the mass of an object, the quicker the effects of the shrink ray wear off! I call it the Nefario Principle. I just came up with it now, actually. Gru: Oh, no! Margo: Did you see that? Girls: Vector! Help! Vector! Over here! Vector: Hey! What are you girls doing back there? Girls: The moon! Watch out! Vector: Ouch! Gru: Get as close in as you can. You got it. Margo: Mr Gru, up here! Agnes and Edith: Mr Gru! Gru: Okay, girls! Girls! You're going to have to jump. Edith: Jump? Are you insane? Gru: Don't worry, I will catch you. Margo: You gave us back! Gru: I know, I know. And it is the worst mistake I ever made. But you have to jump now. Margo: It'll be okay. Gru: Okay, girls. Margo: Jump now! Gru: Margo, I will catch you. And I will never let you go again. Vector: Not so fast! Gru: No! Margo: Let me go! Gru: Margo! I'm coming, Margo. Hang on! I got you.Vector: No! Oh, poop. News Reporter: This time, good triumphs, and the moon has been returned to its rightful place in the sky. But once again, law enforcement is baffled, leaving everyone to wonder, who is this mysterious hero? And what will he do next? Gru: Okay, girls. Time for bed. Edith: Come on! We want a story. Agnes: Three sleepy kittens! Gru: Oh, no! Sorry. That book was accidentally destroyed maliciously. Tonight we are going to read a new book. This one is called One Big Unicorn by... Who wrote this? Me! I wrote it. Look, it's a puppet book! Here, watch this. That's the horn! Agnes: This is gonna be the best book ever! Gru: Not to pat myself on the back, but, yes, it probably will be. Here we go. "One big unicorn, strong and free "thought he was happy as he could be. "Then three little kittens came around "and turned his whole life upside down." Edith: Hey, that one looks like me! Gru: No, what are you talking about? These are kittens! Any relation to persons living or dead is completely coincidental. "They made him laugh. "They made him cry. "He never should have said goodbye. "And now he knows he could never part "from those three little kittens "that changed his heart. "The end." Okay, all right. Good night. Margo: I love you. Gru: I love you, too. No, no! All right. Didn't I get you already? They're very good! Gru's Mom: I'm so proud of you, Son. You've turned out to be a great parent! Just like me. Maybe even better. Gru: No, I'm fine. Go ahead. No, no, no! THE END Hey, Carl! Hey. No, no, no. Me, me, me. John? No, no. Me, me, me. Oh,

poop. Oh, no! Stop! Stop! Hello, I am Gru. Back to work, back to work! Back to…

IS THIS THE ENTIRE FUCKING SCRIPT?