#They are at an geek event

[g0thnico]

I haven't slept in a few days, I'm tired, a little irritable and under the influence of caffeine, but: HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! I hope you can achieve your goals and that 2024 will be a better year than 2023🌟🌟🌟

[marzipanandminutiae]

if you're terrified for your country's elections next year because a lot of people seem to think the solution to the government handling an international conflict in an abysmal and deplorable way is to let a group of total monsters who would handle it MUCH worse AND also potentially doom huge swaths of oppressed people at home as well as our entire literal planet get into power, by ignoring the way our deeply flawed but also deeply entrenched system realistically works

clap your hands...?

(I cannot understand trying to stop heinous and unnecessary killing- which disgusts and saddens me, too! how could it not?! -by handing the election to people who want to do even more of that exact thing. the math isn't mathing, as they say)

[giggly-squiggily]

Here's a curveball for you, if you'd like a bit of a challenge 😈

So the more I watch of Black Clover the more I really enjoy the dynamic between Julius and Marx, soooo...perhaps something with those two and the prompt ❤️ Me + You? If you're up for it, like I said! I'd understand if you passed on this one - it's a bit out there. 😂

I'm loving this event so far! Great work as always, friend! 💖

*points at this prompt* It's ON! *running leap* NYM! :D This is so out there but so GOOD??? I haven't written at all for these two in so long- I missed it :) This might be a bit dusty but ultimately I hope you like it :D (And thank you friend akjrkjeajkrejj <3)

Me + You: "No way, I didn't know you were ticklish here."

“I’ve never seen anything like this-”

“Sir-”

“What magnificent power! And the way they combined their efforts-”

“Sir, please-”

“Oh, to be there in person to witness it all! I should-”

“Julius!” Marx raised his voice, surprising himself and the king. “Erm- sorry. Actually- no; I’m not! Sir, you’ve been rambling for nearly half an hour and have yet to touch your paperwork.” He referred to the growing stack of untouched documents sitting by. “I don’t mean to pressure you, but you really need to get this done.”

“Oh, yes- right; forgot about that.” Julius laughed a bit sheepishly, reaching out and gathering the first few layers. “Forgive me; you know how I get about spells.” Julius got through a single line before perking up. “But that spell-”

“Sir!” Marx growled, coming behind Julius and pointing his head back at the papers. A bold move, sure- but they were old teammates. This was normal for them. “Focus-what was that?”

“Erm…nothing?” Julius offered, ears turning red. Marx narrowed his eyes, suspicious.

“No, that noise you made…huh.” Out of curiosity, Marx pressed his fingers behind Julius' ears once more, watching the Wizard King yelp and shiver. “I didn’t know you were ticklish here..”

“Oh noohohohoho- I’m nohohohohohot!” Julius couldn’t even speak, giggling as Marx gently pressed behind his ears rhythmically. “Mahhahhahrx, pleahhahahahhase!”

“No way..all this time. All these years later..” Marx was smiling now, a deep satisfaction entering his core as he watched his old friend break down into a fit of giggles at his touch. “You’re still so ticklish! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?”

“Geahhahahahha! Mahahhahahrx! Eheahhahahahaha Iiihhihih’ll dohohoo the paahhahahperwork! Ihihihih’ll doohohooho the pahahhahaperwork!” Julius cried, cheeks pink and eyes scrunched with mirthful tears. At his declaration, the other man ceased his tickling, watching Julius rest against the wooden desk with a deep sigh. “Eheheh..eeehe..tahaht wasn’t fahhahaair…”

“Too bad. Get your paperwork done, or else.” Marx gave his armpits a quick jab, making Julius shoot back up with a snort.

The paperwork was done shortly after.

[late-to-the-party-81]

For the very first time - Chapter 1

[or 5 times the Cap Quartet slept with eachother and one time they slept all together]

AN: So here’s a thing for the CA:TWS ten year anniversary and a big thanks to @catws-anniversary for the inspiration. It’s all just smut, but a few chapters do have some feels sprinkled in.

Each chapter is a different pairing of the Cap4 - this is your warning.

Beta’d by @kingofsorrow20

Likes are loved, reblogs are golden

Mood board by me and dividers by @firefly-graphics

Join my tag list here

Bingo and Challenge fills:

@stuckybingo - N2 - 5+1 format

@steverogersbingo  - B1 - First time

@stuckygeekevents  - V2 - “You’re my best friend.”

Master list | SRB Master list | Stucky Bingo Master List | Stucky Geek Bingo Master list

Chapter Summary: Steve feels so much for his best friend and roommate and he wishes Bucky felt the same. But there’s no way he would, is there?

Chapter Relationship: Steve x Bucky

Chapter Word count: 2.7k

CW: Pining, Accidental Nudity, Realisation of feelings, Friends to lovers, First time blow job, Facial, Confident Bucky

Steve and Bucky - 1936 

Despite his protests following his mother’s funeral, it only took two weeks for Bucky to wear Steve down and persuade him of the advantages of moving in together. Steve would’ve liked to have said that, despite his stubbornness, he’d seen the sense in Bucky’s suggestion. However, despite the fact that his health often meant that he couldn’t work properly and he’d probably have issues maintaining rent on his own, he had to admit to himself that it was more that he would do anything for Buck. And again, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t convince himself it was just because Bucky was his best friend. The sight of Bucky made his mouth go dry and took his breath away - a bit of a problem for someone with asthma - and he couldn’t say no, despite not knowing how he’d actually cope living with Bucky. 

Being around him every day. 

Sharing a bedroom. 

Seeing Bucky walk around in just his undershorts.

His feelings about Bucky were a conflict within him. It wasn’t as if Steve didn’t like girls. He did, had touched himself in the privacy of his own room thinking about them. But he’d also thought about Bucky too and now he was going to have more fodder for his imagination but precious little alone time to do anything about it. Then there were the feelings of ‘wrongness’ and shame - he shouldn’t feel like this for his best friend, for another man. But he wanted to feel Bucky’s arms hold him, like Bucky held dames when dancing. He wanted to hear those sweet nothings being poured into his good ear. He wanted to smell the Bucky’s cologne on his skin the day after the night before. He wanted to taste Bucky on his tongue. The thought of it all tortured him.

It continued to torture him over the next few months. Every day when Bucky came home from working the docks, covered in sweat, he’d start stripping off as soon as he walked through the door, discarding his clothes in a trail all the way to the bathroom as he yapped away about this, that and everything. Then he’d come out again, a threadbare towel, precariously anchored, low on his hips as he rubbed his hair dry with a matching one, his damp chest with its sprinkling of dark hair that Steve just itched to stroke, just there for anyone to see. He’d be making small talk with Steve, asking him how his day was and what was for dinner, as though Steve was his wife. The images this conjured in Steve’s mind did not make things any easier.

Then, to top it off, Bucky was a toucher. A hugger. Steve would often find himself pulled into a surprise embrace, or dragged down onto Bucky’s lap. Sometimes, if he were already on their ratty, lumpy couch, Bucky would sit down next to him, then lay his head in Steve’s lap and place Steve’s hand on his head, like a puppy asking for head scratches. Anyone of these could also happen when Bucky was still just in his towel. Steve didn’t know how long his heart - already not the best at doing its job - would hold out. It was inevitable that at some point, Steve would embarrass himself, he just didn’t know when.

“Hey, Stevie, d’ya know where my cologne is?” Bucky’s voice echoed across the small apartment while Steve stirred the soup on their hot plate. It was Friday night and Bucky was planning to go out, hence searching for his cologne. He’d also been trying to persuade Steve to come with, and Bucky would find a ‘nice dame’ for him to practise dancing with. 

Steve was not in the mood. He didn’t want to go out and meet girls. And he absolutely didn’t want Bucky doing it either. But he couldn’t say that, so he just stewed in his thoughts instead. If Bucky noticed, he didn’t say anything, but Steve had decided Bucky was oblivious to most things by now, because there was no way otherwise that Bucky couldn’t see the heart Steve was wearing on his sleeve.

It didn’t help that last time they’d gone out, Bucky having persuaded two girls to meet him and his friend down the Irish Bar, that the girl who had been designated as ‘Steve’s date’, had barely looked at him, let alone talked to him, and Steve had felt like a spare part the entire time, Bucky taking it in turns to dance with the two girls, while sending Steve sympathetic glances. Steve had ended up drinking too much that night and Bucky had had to practically carry him home. Steve still held onto the memory of Bucky’s hands holding him, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted.

“Steeeeevieeeeeeee!”

With a sigh, Steve turned off the hot plate and turned towards their bedroom, aiming to retrieve Bucky’s cologne right from where it had been left last Sunday. 

“Buck, you’re my best friend, not my child,” he chastised. However, at that moment fate decided it had had enough of Steve’s mooning and needed to put things to right in the most mortifying way possible. 

As Steve crossed the space, Bucky exited the bathroom, as usual only wearing a towel. Distracted by the sight of a rivulet of water running down between Bucky’s pecs, Steve tripped on his Ma’s rug and went sprawling towards the floor. He put his hands out in front of him, desperate to break his fall and not a bone, and his fingers automatically clutched around the fabric in front of him.

It was as he landed on the floor, cracking his right elbow, that he realised that whatever he’d grabbed wasn’t sturdily attached to anything. He shook his head and as his vision cleared he saw that in his hands was a towel. 

A damp towel. 

A towel that had been wrapped around Bucky, but wasn’t any longer.

Steve looked up from his position on the floor, then immediately closed his eyes, but it was too late. The image of Bucky’s bare cock had seared itself onto his retinas within those few seconds and suddenly Steve was worried he was going to have a panic attack and set off his asthma. At least if he died he wouldn’t be mortified for long.

“Hey,” Bucky asked, voice full of concern. “You okay there, pal?”

Steve swallowed, his tongue feeling thick and oversized for his mouth. “Yeah,” he somehow managed to force out. “I’ll get up in a moment. Just let me…” He knew he was blushing - it didn’t take much - and he hoped that Bucky would think it was because he was embarrassed from falling rather than seeing him. However, Lady Lucky was not on his side.

“Steve. Look at me.” There was something in Bucky’s voice. A tone that Steve hadn’t heard before, and it commanded him - he had no choice except to obey. He opened his eyes again and raised his head. His gaze lingered a moment too long on where it shouldn’t, before meeting Bucky’s eyes. Steve gasped at what he saw. Bucky’s eyes were dark, their normal ice blue reduced to a thin ring around widened pupils, and there was a flush on Bucky’s cheekbones. “You seem a bit taken with my cock there, buddy,” Bucky teased darkly and Steve blushed more, completely unable to hide his feelings any longer, consequences be damned. He was kneeling on the floor in front of his naked best friend - the man he loved damn it - eyes wide, mouth open and with what he was sure was a very obvious tent in his pants.

When Bucky’s voice dropped an octave and he asked “Do you wanna touch it, Stevie?” Steve’s whole body shuddered. “You can if you want,“ he coaxed. “Can even get those pretty lips on it as well if the feeling takes ya.”

Steve moaned, his eyes fluttering shut at just the thought. His fingers clenched into fists before opening again, spread wide as if searching for purchase. 

“I’ve seen you looking, doll,” Bucky continued. “Was wondering when you were gonna say or do something. Knew you had to get here in your own time. But fellas liking other fellas is more common than you think. I like you, Stevie. More than you know.”

Steve felt Bucky’s hand land on his head, Bucky’s calloused fingers threading through his straw coloured hair and Steve couldn’t help but lean into it. He wanted to do what Bucky had said, but he couldn’t do it on his own. He needed help.

“Buck….” he whispered, a plea to the man who was as important to him as god. He was going to hell with his eyes wide open.

“I gotchu, sweetheart,” came the answering drawl. “Put your hands on my legs to start with. They’re just my legs. You’ve seen ‘em lots before.”

Steve did what he’d been told, eyes open only a crack, and he felt the thick, coarse hairs of Bucky’s thighs tickle his palms. He couldn’t help but gently rub them up and down, hypnotised by the sensation, and heard Bucky chuckle.

“That’s it, Stevie,” Bucky coaxed. “Touching me’s not scary. What about a little higher?” Again, Steve did as he’d been asked, hands sliding up to grasp Bucky’s hip bones. Bucky’s cock was right there in front of his face, and through his hazy vision Steve could see that it was chubbed up, thick and heavy looking. Bucky was cut, befitting his religion, and there was a small drop of pre-cum on the very tip of it, inviting Steve to sin. 

Slowly, as if swimming in honey, Steve moved his right hand. He extended his index finger and gently ran it down Bucky’s length, swiping the drop from the end and then placing his finger in his mouth to taste it. He groaned as the salty, musky flavour burst over his tongue.

Bucky’s hand tightened in his hair and he let out a groan. “My sweet, dirty, Stevie. Fuck. Touch me again, sweetheart. Please.” Bucky might have been in charge of this encounter, but it seemed he wasn’t above begging. A thrill rippled through Steve at the realisation, buoying his confidence, and he extended his hand again, this time wrapping all of his fingers around Bucky’s rigid flesh. 

They both let out a sigh and Steve gave Bucky’s cock an experimental tug, delighting in how another pearlescent drop appeared from the slit. He couldn’t hold himself back any longer. 

Steve leant forward and flicked his tongue over the tip of Bucky’s cock, collecting the liquid straight from the source and then a moment later he was taking his first, experimental suckle. It felt so right!

“God, Steve! Can’t believe this is finally happening.” Bucky babbled away and his other hand joined his first on Steve’s head, holding him in place as Steve explored with his lips and tongue, his right hand still lightly jerking the lower half of Bucky’s cock. His left hand slid from Bucky’s hip to cup his heavy-hanging balls, and Steve marvelled at how strange it was to be touching genitals that, while familiar looking, were not his own. However, he must have been doing something right, because Bucky’s hips kept jerking slightly, as though he were trying to keep still but was having a hard time doing so.

Feeling emboldened, Steve wondered how much of Bucky’s cock he could actually fit in his mouth. He relaxed his jaw and slid forward even further, until he felt the tip bump against his soft palate and he gagged. He drew back quickly with a spluttering cough, and tears rolled down his cheeks. A feeling of dread washed over him. Had he fucked up? Would Bucky push him away and call him names? However, much to Steve’s relief, Bucky instead moved his right hand and wiped Steve’s tears away with his thumb.

“Easy, doll. You gotta work up to that. Just do what’s comfortable. I can assure you, it’s perfect.”

Steve preened under the praise and returned his lips to worshipping Bucky. He increased the speed and firmness of the strokes of his hand, touching Bucky the way he touched himself, hoping that Bucky liked it. He sucked and licked at Bucky’s cock and fondled his balls with his other hand, feeling the undeniable urge to make Bucky come. He had to do it, had to prove to himself and Bucky that he could.

Bucky’s fingers in his hair hurt a bit, but it was a good hurt, each wave of sensation making its way to his own cock, trapped inside his pants. His knees ached from kneeling on the floor, but he didn’t care - all there was, was Bucky.

The only noises were those of Bucky’s panting and the wet slurps from Steve’s lips, until Bucky stilled Steve’s head, causing him to glance up.

“‘M gonna come, Stevie. Need to let you know that’s what’s gonna happen if you keep going.”

Steve pulled off reluctantly, but knew he had to answer. “Want you to come, Bucky. Wanna taste you.” He’d heard tales of girls who did this to boys and he wondered if any had done it for Bucky? Whatever the truth of it, he was gonna do it too. Show Bucky how much he loved him.

“Fuck, doll,” Bucky groaned. “Gonna kill me with that mouth.”

Steve couldn’t help but grin. “That’s the plan,” he retorted and then went back to what was probably going to become one of his favourite things to do. 

Bucky hadn’t been lying though. His breathing got more ragged and his little hip thrusts became more frequent and intense as he lost the ability to control his reactions. Steve felt Bucky’s balls draw up within his palm and readied himself as best he could, taking as much of Bucky’s cock into his mouth as possible and sucking hard.

Bucky exploded with a drawn out moan, his cum filling Steve’s mouth at an alarming rate. Steve had no choice but to pull back to avoid choking. However, Bucky’s cock continued to spurt, and jets of white splattered over Steve’s face, dripping down his chin and onto his shirt. He swore some was even in his eyebrows, but he still continued to stroke Bucky’s cock until the flood reduced to a trickle and Bucky’s hand relaxed in his hair.

“Oh, God, Steve. Shit. Look at you!” Bucky dropped to his own knees and lifted his towel from the floor, using a corner of it to wipe the worst of his cum from Steve’s smiling, dopey expression. Then, in the next moment, he cupped Steve’s face in his hands and kissed him. Steve squeaked, taken aback by Bucky’s action and somehow finding this act more intimate than what they’d just done. 

Lips still joined, Bucky pulled Steve to his feet, and it wasn’t until Steve found himself scooped up in Bucky’s arms that he managed to find his way back to reality.

“W-what’s going on, Buck? What are you doing? Thought you were going out?” Confusion was writ large over his face. As much as he wanted Bucky to eschew his social life in favour of him, he hadn’t thought for a moment that it would happen.

“Like I’m gonna go out now? Why would I need to? I’ve got my best guy right here, and I’ve gotta treat him right.” He gave Steve a cheeky wink, and Steve realised what all those girls must have felt like.

“What d’ya mean ‘treat me right’,” he queried, intrigued as to what Bucky meant.

“Well,” said Bucky, cocking his head towards Steve’s lap as he placed him on his bed, “looks like you got a bit of an issue there, and thought I might return the favour if that’s alright with you.”

Steve grinned, his heart flipping in his chest in a way that wasn’t related to his ill-health. “More than alright, Buck. I can’t wait. I just apologise if I don’t last long.”

“Don’t worry, Stevie - I’ll just take it as a compliment.”

Chapter 2

Tag list: @km-ffluv, @wheezy-stucky, @kmc1989, @kombatfather1796, @christywrites, @alexakeyloveloki, @doasyoudesireandlive, @galactusdevourerofworlds, @crayongirl-linz, @mightstill, @endlesstwanted

[necrotic-nephilim]

ok so sending my question here bc this is more marvel comics than mcu related so im like. sliding you a note in class about an somewhat related but mostly tangential topic here 😂

so i've been wanting to get into bucky comics (and winter soldier comics) recently but as a dc fan now whose only marvel comics background is reading matt fractions hawkeye (the best ever, currently rereading it to feel something again actually) and part of wilsons ms marvel run back when i was in high school i have no idea where to start. you said that you have read comics for bucky; do you have any recommendations?

hello i love being slid notes this is so sweet <3 bc luckily Bucky is one of a small handful of characters i can *actually* give good recs for on the Marvel side of the fence! so i'm MORE than happy to give recs bc i actually already have a list i'm happy to share. also, BIG agree on Fraction's Hawkeye run, oh my god. that comic means *so* much to me and though i haven't really read Hawkeye comics outside of it, i love it a lot. 10/10 taste <3

so when it comes to Bucky, he has a *lot* of Golden and Silver Age comics as Captain America's teen sidekick and all. skip them. they're not worth it and they're not the version of the character you want to read. honestly, you should just start with his return as Winter Soldier, and go from there so

Captain America (2005) - this is Ed Brubaker's run, it's fantastic and it's the run that brings back Bucky as the Winter Soldier. i will warn you if you're used to DC comics, Marvel does this really confusing thing called legacy numbering. (DC sometimes does it but not as much) so you're gonna notice it'll jump from issue #50 to #600. you did not somehow miss hundreds of comics, it's just numbered that way bc it's the 600th Captain America comic overall. this run is super good though.

Captain America & Bucky by Ed Brubaker - once again numbering is weird just don't mind it. but this will give you a primer on Bucky's backstory as Cap's sidekick without you having to read all the Silver Age stuff and it's a great comic.

Captain America: Forever Allies (2010) - if you want to read where Bucky was Captain America for a bit, this comic is good for that. it also briefly touches on Secret Allies, a team he was on as a teen during the war. i'm not the biggest Cap!Bucky fun, but this is decent.

Winter Soldier (2012) - by *far* the best Winter Soldier solo run. Ed Brubaker my beloved. this is just amazing. this was where i started with Bucky and tbh if you vaguely understand his comics backstory and don't want to read all the Captain America stuff, i think you can start here. you get to see his relationship with Natasha, his spy work it's just. everything <3

Winter Soldier: The Bitter March - if you want to see a story that takes place during Bucky's time brainwashed under Hydra, that's what this one is and it's pretty solid

Thunderbolts (2016) - this comic is most known for the relationship between Bucky and a young girl who's a cosmic cube named Kobik and it's just so delightful. the whole team is really fun and explores moral greyness in superhero work, but mostly i love this one for Kobik.

Winter Soldier (2018) - i really enjoy this mini-series, it has Bucky trying to save a young boy who's forced to be a weapon and there's just a lot of good stuff. always have a soft spot for Bucky trying to do right by kids.

Falcon & Winter Soldier (2020) - a good team up mini-series. also Bucky has a cat so yk, that's delightful. <3

there are other Winter Soldier comics and comics he's in but Marvel's comic world is big and fucking confusing (to me as a DC fan, anyway) so these will be the easiest to start with. my top recs are probably Captain America & Bucky and Winter Soldier (2012), though i'm incredibly biased to any comic written by Brubaker for Bucky. i love Bucky so dearly. he is everything to me. i hope you enjoy!

[charliejaneanders]

This Saturday! The Trans Nerd Meet Up is happening again! If you identify as trans/nb/gnc *AND* you like to geek out about stuff, please come hang out. We are friendly and chill and do not gatekeep!

[troythecatfish]

Source: Alice Winterland on Threads

Grizzy is the type of dude who only plays COD and never tries anything new. Stay in the past love, Zara and I will enjoy gaming in the 21st century. Good on Star Wars to not cater only to people like Grizzy

Chuds loooove capturing female protagonists at unflattering or weird angles, or often altering the image to prove a game is “woke” because the character is not an anime waifu, therefore it’s automatically bad. See: Aloy, Mary Jane, the protagonist from the Fable IV trailer etc. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be to live like this

[greekgeek24]

My piece for @stuckygeekevents Mermay Week! Prompt: pirates!

[theomenmedia]

Wednesday Season 2 Teaser!

Dive deeper into darkness with #Wednesday Season 2!

Link to the full story: https://www.theomenmedia.com/post/wednesday-s-darker-season-a-glimpse-into-the-shadows-with-season-2-teaser

[nadyasonikacosplay]

[kiruamon]

Headcanon time

Damien is the one who styles Oz's hair on the rare occasions when his shy boyfriend plans to wear a cosplay on an anime or manga convention.

[punchholesinthesky]

Star trek people at geeks for harris!

[gay-strawberry]

im trying to finish my spiderman art wall but its really hard if you guys dont sell prints

[late-to-the-party-81]

Sunshine and Gunsmoke

Chapter 3 - A new dawn, a new day

AN: Here we are, the third chapter. Thank you for joining me so far on this wild ride and thank you for all your comments - they mean a lot. Also, the chapter count has gone up. I just could resist adding an extra chapter/epilogue for these two. I wouldn’t have got here without my cheer-reader @kahey2804, and my ever wonderful beta @zenaidamacrouras1 .

Catch up on Chapter 2 here

Likes are loved, reblogs are golden

Mood board by me and dividers by @firefly-graphics

Join my tag list here

Master list | SRB Master list | Stucky Bingo Master List | Stucky Geek Bingo Master list

Summary: WIth the imminent threat removed, Bucky needs to make a decision about Steve’s welfare, knowing neither option is ideal. How will Steve feel when he comes back to himself? Will he understand the choice Bucky made? Will he forgive Bucky for lying about who he was? Will either of them be able to recover from this trauma and move forwards?

Relationships: Platonic Alpha Bucky & Beta Clint, past Omega Steve x Alpha Stephen, FWB Omega Steve x Alpha Bucky

Chapter WC: 9k

Chapter CW: Omegaverse, Shrinkyclinks, Strip club AU, references to past abusive relationship, references to misogyny, inferred Mafia elements, Alternating POV, Panic attack,Trauma response, unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcohol abuse, angst, vomiting, therapy, healthy communication, feelings reveal, forgiveness.

Steve’s head was spinning. His body was ready, pleading for relief, but there wasn’t any. It hurt so much. He needed an Alpha’s knot - Bucky’s knot! Why wasn’t Bucky giving him what he needed? Had he done something wrong? He must be a bad Omega. Bad.

Steve let out a tortured wail, and felt himself being pulled even firmer against Bucky’s body. His fingers tugged at Bucky’s clothes and he rubbed his face all over the scent gland in Bucky’s neck. For a moment he felt some relief, but it was like throwing an ice-cube into a raging inferno.

When he couldn’t access Bucky’s cock, Steve grabbed at the Alpha’s hand, hoping he might get some kind of relief from being fingered, but Bucky wouldn’t let him. Steve could hear the words, “I’m sorry, Sunshine. I really am,” but they made no sense and he let out another cry.

Beneath him, Bucky shifted, and a rumble in his chest alerted Steve to the fact that his Alpha was talking to someone.

There was someone in the room.

Near his nest. 

Steve’s head shot up, his top lip curled and he let out a warning growl.

“It’s alright, Stevie. It’s just the doc.” Bucky’s voice sounded as though it was coming from underwater. “She’s here to help, I promise. And she’s a Beta. She’s not gonna hurt you.” 

Steve turned his head and peered out from under hooded eyelids. The doctor was a woman with glasses, a kind looking face and dark hair pulled back in a ponytail.

“Hi, Steve,” she said in a low, melodious voice. “I’m Dr. Cho, and I’m going to help you feel better. Can I put this blood pressure cuff on you?” She held up the grey piece of equipment in front of her so he could see it. Steve cocked his head, confused. He didn’t understand how this would help him get Bucky’s knot. 

A set of strong fingers gently took hold of his chin and steered his head so that he was looking up into Bucky’s misty blue eyes. “Please, sweetheart. Let Dr. Cho check you out. I promise I’ll give you everything you need soon.”

With that guarantee, Steve gave a small nod and extended his arm. The doctor wrapped the inflation cuff around him and pressed the button on the unit. It whirred into life, pumping up to an almost painful point, before it suddenly deflated. With a pencil in hand, the Beta woman copied out whatever it was that had been recorded.

“Thank you, Steve. You just relax for a moment, while I talk to Bucky, yes?”

Steve nodded again, and buried his head back in Bucky’s neck and continued to rock his hips back and forth.

It had felt as though he’d been waiting for the doc for hours, but in reality it had turned out to be about thirty minutes. But for Bucky, each whimper, each cry that had broken from Steve’s throat shattered his heart.

However, she was here now and Bucky watched, almost with a sense of pride, as Steve allowed his vitals to be recorded, before curling back up against him and starting to hump against him once more. Dr Cho, ever the professional, averted her gaze. 

“You said he’d been drugged,” she asked, her voice laced with concern.

“Yeah,” Bucky confirmed. “Check the trash can.” He jerked his head in its direction.

While waiting for her to investigate, he rested one of his hands against the small of Steve’s back, trying to slow down his movements, not because he was embarrassed or wanted him to stop, but mainly because he didn’t want Steve to rub himself raw. His jeans were soaked to the skin with Steve’s slick, the scent of aroused Omega making the air thick, but strangely, Bucky’s own initial reaction to the smell had worn off. At least for the most part. His cock was no longer straining against his zipper, so he guessed that his concern had overridden his natural instincts to mate.

“You’re right, Mr Barnes.” Bucky turned his head at the doctor’s statement, to find her holding a spent hypodermic in her gloved fingers. “He’s been injected with synthetic hormones to induce heat.” Her nose wrinkled in disgust. “So now there are two options. Either we let his heat run its course and you - an Alpha - provide whatever is necessary, or I can administer heat suppressants to counteract it, but he would need to be carefully weaned off them over the course of a month or so.” There was an apologetic expression on her face. She knew that she’d given him two less than ideal options. “I’ll give you a few minutes to think it over, but we need to decide soon. He can’t carry on in this limbo state for much longer.”

She was right. Steve was visibly tiring, and who knows what long term damage would be caused if he delayed making a decision much longer. Bucky screwed his eyes up, as if blocking out the light would mean that making a choice between effectively raping Steve or drugging him further would be easier. 

“Drugs,” he croaked out. “Give him the suppressants. I can’t…” He tailed off, knowing that he didn’t need to explain further. His eyes blurred with tears as he held Steve still in his arms while Dr. Cho gave him the initial injection, the frightened Omega just crying out for him, over and over. 

“He should drop off to sleep soon. When he wakes, he’ll need to take one of these tablets,” she held up a pill bottle. “And one every day for the foreseeable future. Give him my number so he can call me and we can sort out a regime for weaning him off them.” She gave him a wan smile. “He should be okay, Mr Barnes. At least physically. You’ve done the best you could.” With that, she packed up her equipment and supplies and Bucky and Steve were left in peace.

“Alpha,” Steve mumbled.

Bucky dropped a kiss to the top of his sweaty head. Steve’s rutting had already started to slow, but he supposed that could be from exhaustion as much as from the suppressants.

“Yeah, Sunshine? How can I help?”

“Feel strange, Alpha. Do I get your knot soon?”

“I know, sweetheart, but you’ll start to feel better shortly. Then, I promise, you can have anything you want.”

He watched as Steve smiled sleepily and snuggled impossibly further into his chest. Then, as his hips finally - finally - stilled, Steve started to purr. His eyelids drooped and his body relaxed, and Bucky felt a wave of relief wash over himself. He eased them both into a lying down position and covered Steve’s naked body with a loose corner of blanket.

“I’ll be here when you wake up, Sunshine. I hope you can forgive me.”

His whole body ached, and his tongue felt thick in his mouth.

Steve blinked his eyes open, noting the bright sun shining through his bedroom window. Shifting slightly he became aware of an arm around his waist.

Stephen!

He sat up, panicked, twisting around to see Bucky sleepily blinking his eyes at him. A Bucky who was fully clothed, while he was entirely naked. What was going on? He searched his memory and it came back in horrifying Technicolor. His hand flew up to his neck expecting to feel a fresh wound as he gulped in lungfuls of air. And why wasn’t he still in heat? His head felt light, and the room was tilting sideways and…

“Stevie! Breathe!” Bucky’s hands had curled around Steve’s upper arms, stopping him from falling over and off of the bed. Bucky’s eyes bored into his, preventing him from looking away. “You’re safe. Just breathe in with me now, two-three… and out, two-three.” Steve followed Bucky’s directions, breathing in and out with him, and slowly the world stopped spinning. 

Bucky’s hands fell away and he gave Steve a soft smile. “I’m just gonna go and get you a drink and a snack, and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Still not feeling capable of speech, Steve just nodded and watched Bucky walk out of his bedroom. He looked around his private space, feeling terribly exposed. Stephen’s scent still lingered in the air, along with those of a few other people Steve didn’t know, and he launched himself up, crossing to the window and throwing it open with all his strength. He pulled some boxers, sweats and an oversized hoodie from his dresser, fighting his way into them, feeling as though he needed the protective layer they provided. Then, on wobbly legs, he returned to the bed, pulling all of the blankets and sheets from it. 

As each piece of fabric was thrown to the floor, Steve could feel the anger and humiliation building in his gut. Stripping his bed wasn’t enough. He picked up his favourite nesting blanket, one of the first things he’d bought after moving here after escaping Stephen the first time, and ripped it down the middle. He did the same with the next, his vision blurring with tears, and when Bucky returned a few minutes later, he was kneeling on the floor in a pile of remnants, sobbing his heart out.

In a heartbeat, Bucky was beside him, his arms wrapped around him, and Steve cried into his chest. “It’s gonna be alright, Stevie. It’ll be okay. I promise. He can’t hurt you again.” 

Bucky’s words flowed over him and eventually his sobs subsided, turning to small hiccups, until he self-consciously extricated himself from Bucky’s embrace. He swiped at his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“What happened,” he asked. “I mean, I remember bits of it, but a lot of it’s still a blur. I remember-” His head shot up with a gasp and he turned his head towards the back wall, where the bullet hole, surrounded by chipped plaster, taunted him. “You shot at him! You shot at Stephen with a gun!” He stared back at Bucky. “And you - you’re… you’re.” He shuffled backwards, putting some distance between them. Bucky returned his wide-eyed gaze with a sad smile and a small open armed shrug.

“I am.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t really know.” Bucky said. “Maybe it’s because I’m selfish? Maybe because I didn’t want to frighten you away. Why didn’t you tell me?” He gestured at the bed and the ruined blankets.

Steve wrapped his arms around his own waist, but raised his chin. “I thought I could handle it. I didn’t want to have to have somebody - an Alpha - help me out. I never thought he’d take it this far.” He stopped for a moment, nibbling on his lower lip as a thought came to him. “Where is he?” Steve asked guardedly. “Is he - you know - dead?”

“Not yet.” There was a chilly rumble to Bucky’s voice that sent a shiver down Steve’s spine. He wasn’t sure if he was scared by it, or aroused. “My men have him. They’re waiting for me, but I had to make sure you were okay first. You were my priority, Stevie.” Bucky’s tone softened and for a moment Steve’s heart fluttered, but Bucky’s words reminded him of his other query.

“And how am I okay, Bucky? How has the heat gone already?” There was a soreness between his thighs, but it wasn’t what he normally felt after having sex. And it didn’t escape him how Bucky turned his head away at the question and wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“You gotta understand… you were outta your head from the drugs he’d given you. You weren’t in your right mind to agree to anything, so I had to make a choice. I coulda knotted you, but… I just couldn’t… it wouldn’t’ve been right. So I took the other option… and I’m sorry.”

Steve felt a sense of foreboding grow inside his gut. “What other option? Bucky, what did you do?” 

With an apology in his eyes, Bucky pulled a small plastic bottle from his back pocket, along with a business card. “Call my doc, Dr Cho. She was here. She’ll go through everything with you. It’s all paid for.” He held them out tentatively, and Steve plucked them from his fingers, knowing what he was going to see, but hoping against hope he was going to be wrong.

He wasn’t.

He let out a sigh. “Suppressants. Of course.” Tears prickled behind his eyes, and all of his emotions - fear, anger, frustration, disappointment - tangled around each other within him. “You knew how I felt about these! About how he’d made me go on them. And here you are…”

Bucky reached out a hand towards him. “Stevie, I-”

Steve knew deep down that he was being unreasonable, but his logical mind was not in control right now. “Don’t touch me!” he bit out as he jumped backwards, throwing his hands up in the air.

Bucky huffed. “I just did what I thought was best.”

“Best for who?” Steve shrieked. “For you, definitely. You don’t have a bunch of chemicals rampaging around your system, suppressing what you are. Who you are! God, I don’t even want to look at you right now.” He turned his back, emphasising his point, but he heard Bucky shuffling behind him. His inner Omega was telling him to turn back around and go to Bucky - get lost in the security of his embrace, but Steve was mad - mad with the world - and Bucky was the only person available to take it out on.

“Maybe I should go then?” Bucky mumbled from behind him.

Now it was Steve’s turn to huff. He shrugged his shoulders for good measure as well, feigning nonchalance. “Whatever you think is best, Buck. You’re good at making decisions for both of us. Do me a favour though. Don’t kill Stephen. He’ll be missed if he disappears without a trace.”

He heard a resigned sigh. “I promise not to kill him if you promise me you’ll call Dr Cho. Be safe Stevie and I’ll tell Clint that you won’t be in for a while” A heartbeat’s silence, then “‘bye, Sunshine.” Bucky’s feet padded across Steve’s threadbare carpet getting quieter as he walked away, until Steve couldn’t hear them any longer.

Steve sank back to his knees and the tears flowed again.

Bucky slumped into the office chair, holding the open bottle of whisky.

“Fuck!”

He took a swig and slammed the bottle on the table. Resting his elbows on the arms of the chair, he steepled his fingers against his face. Never had he envisaged that things with Steve would play out like this. He almost regretted his promise not to kill Steve’s piece of shit ex. 

After leaving Steve’s apartment, Bucky had headed straight to where his men had taken the deluded Alpha. It had been cathartic to take out his frustrations on the sick fuck, but he’d stopped short of finishing him off. He had broken - no, shattered - the guy’s hands though. He wouldn’t be doing any surgery for a long time, if ever again. His men had then dragged the good doctor out, having instructions to make it look as though the Alpha had had a drink fueled car crash. That should explain away his injuries and he’d definitely think twice before harassing Steve again.

However, as satisfying as it had been, it didn’t solve the issue of the chasm between the pair of them. Bucky had known that Steve was going to be upset about the heat suppressants, but he hadn’t imagined such an extreme reaction. He’d wanted so badly to take Steve in his arms and tell him that he’d do anything for him - that he loved him. But Steve had been disgusted by him - by what he’d done and by who he was.

Bucky slumped further in the chair, his feet up on the desk and picked up the whisky bottle again, taking another large gulp. The burn was his just deserts for hurting the man he loved, but that pain would soon be dulled by the alcohol. It was a vicious circle and no less than he deserved. 

A knock at the door had him lifting his head. “Yes?” he bit out with more force than was strictly necessary. Clint opened the door and walked through, warily. 

“Hey, boss. I was wondering, are you gonna work tonight?”

Bucky took another drink. “Yes, but not behind the bar.”

“Okay,” Clint replied with a nod. “Cool. Cool. And Steve? He’s okay, isn’t he?”

“Physically? Better than he could have been - nothing debilitating. Mentally? A wreck. I wish I still had that knot-head fuck in front of me.” As he took another mouthful he thought that maybe he heard Clint mutter ‘that would make two of you’, under his breath, but chose to ignore it. “Make sure Steve’s pay and an average tip amount is deposited in his account until he comes back.”

Clint gave him ‘a look’ before shuffling out, but Bucky just pulled his phone from his pocket.

“Hi Dad. Yeah - I got my problem sorted. I was just wondering, cos I’m at a loose end, whether you had any jobs you needed me to do.”

Numb.

That’s all Steve could describe his current state as. It had been that way from the moment that Bucky had walked away from him. He’d held the bottle of heat suppressants in his hand, and had seriously considered flushing them down the toilet, but deep down he’d known that he’d end up in a worse way if he did that. Bucky had said that it was all paid for, and he couldn’t afford to look a gift horse in the mouth. If he ended up in hospital there’s no way he’d be able to afford it, even with his co-pay.

It had been four weeks now since Stephen’s assault, and Steve had taken the tablets religiously. He had an appointment in two weeks to discuss the withdrawal regime. Dr Cho was kind and understanding, and Steve almost couldn’t believe that she was mob affiliated. 

He also hoped that he’d get some of his mojo back as he came off the drugs, although that might be a false hope. While they were almost definitely affecting his mood, he hadn’t been like this last time, with Stephen, so he knew that his emotional state was being impacted by the trauma. Maybe he should take Dr. Cho up on the offer of connecting him with a therapist. She’d hinted that Bucky would cover that as well.

He continued to muse upon it as he walked home from his diner shift. He’d been lucky that they’d held the job open for him for the week he’d taken off to get his head in some kind of order. As he reached his front door, he couldn’t help but place his hand flat against the wood of it. To anyone else, it looked exactly the same as every other front door in this block, but he knew it was different, and on some level reminded him of how he himself felt. Identical on the outside, but still changed.

The afternoon of that day, a few hours after Bucky had left, there had been a tentative knock against the damaged door. Upon careful - and baseball bat protected - investigation, it had turned out to be a crew of workers, again, all paid for. They’d replaced his door and installed more secure locks on both it and all of the windows in the apartment - even the window in his bedroom that only someone who could climb like a spider would be able to get through.

He knew it should make him feel better, knowing that it was almost impossible for anyone to break in now, but his confidence was still shot, and he jumped at every strange noise. On top of that every so often he caught a whiff of gunsmoke in the air, despite how long it had been. Steve couldn’t decide if it was residue from the actual gun Bucky had used to scare Stephen, or whether it was Bucky’s own Alpha scent still lingering in the remaining fabrics of his nest, no matter how much he’d washed them. Every time it wafted through the air, he felt his heart lurch. 

He hated how he was caught in this limbo, missing Bucky like crazy, but also feeling sick at the thought of actually seeing him. It was one of the reasons he hadn’t been back to The Alpha Barne - he didn’t know if he was going to go running into Bucky’s arms or start shouting at him, letting out all the hurt and pain he knew was bubbling just under his skin. Because Bucky had lied. Hidden who and what he was, and it made Steve sick, just to think about it, although he wasn’t sure whether he felt that way because he didn’t like what Bucky did, or because he felt so foolish for not working it out. Whichever way it was though, everything, Bucky, the Barne, dancing, the lies, were all intrinsically linked to the assault and he couldn’t separate them as hard as he tried. 

Steve had been listening to the radio only last week, when one of the songs he’d danced to came on. It had all been fine when he’d been dancing along subconsciously, but as soon as he realised what he was doing, all his emotions had come crashing in. In his mind’s eye he saw Stephen leering at him from the audience, saw Bucky flirting and kissing other Omega’s. He’d felt himself pinned down and begging for something he didn’t want. He’d dropped to the floor of his kitchen, his arms around himself as he’d sobbed.

Frustratingly, it wasn’t as though Bucky didn’t care. He obviously did if the flurry of texts and voicemails Steve had received was any indication, but Steve couldn’t find it within himself to answer with more than a bland ‘Busy, speak soon’. He just didn’t know what to say - how to articulate how he felt. Hell, he didn’t even know how he felt, other than it was too soon to even think about going back to his other job, no matter how much he’d grown to love and enjoy it. For the time being he’d just have to be frugal and take every single diner shift he could. He’d plaster on his best customer service mask, despite how he felt inside, and hope for tips.

Ditching his work gear and toe-ing off his shoes, Steve shuffled to his kitchen cabinet, pulling out another pack of 50 cent ramen noodles. Hopefully when he went to see Dr. Cho she’d have that fruit bowl on her desk again. He was certain that the oranges he pilfered from her were the only reason he hadn’t developed scurvy.

He slumped onto the sofa, bowl of noodles in hand and idly turned on the TV for background noise. He wasn’t quite sure what was happening on the British cookery programme he was watching, but it was entertaining nonetheless. The one bright spot in the past few weeks is that he hadn’t heard anything from Stephen. Not a peep, not a sniff. No more break-ins. No more feeling of being followed. Bucky had promised him that Stephen was still alive, so whatever Bucky had threatened his ex with seemed to have worked in making him stay away. If only he could relax though. Logically he knew he was safe, but he’d let down his guard before and look what had happened. 

Steve whiled away the next few hours with mindless TV shows and an action movie, before dragging himself to have a shower and then collapsing into bed. The morning came all too soon, and Steve felt as though he hadn’t slept, despite not feeling as though he’d woken up during the night. He poured coffee down his throat to support the matchsticks holding his eyes open, and headed off for another day at the diner. He felt as though he was trapped in Groundhog Day.

A few hours in though, and something different happened. Or rather someone different walked through the door. Steve was having a chat during a lull with Stan, the line cook, when the bell over the door rang and Steve picked up the muted Beta scent of Clint.

He turned and flashed his old manager and  -almost?- friend a sad smile.

“Hey, Clint.”

“Hey, Steve. Thought I’d come and see how you were doing. And from the looks of it, you’re not so great.” Clint slid into an empty booth and Steve took a seat opposite him. “So, tell me. What’s eating you, kid?”

Steve let out a sigh. “What’s not eating me? It’s all fucked up, Clint. I’m fucked up.”

Clint let out a snort. “I hate to tell you this, but life, in general is fucked up. I don’t think I know anyone who isn’t off kilter at least a little bit. And we miss you. Me, the girls. Bucky. Heck, I think even the patrons miss you.”

Steve’s lips twitched up at that. “I can’t dance, Clint. Not yet at least. It’s all too raw. I don’t know how much you know, but I have nightmares. And when I do sleep I don’t wake up rested. I want to reach out, I really do, but I just can’t.” He sighed again. “I thought I had something good. With Bucky. I was starting to think that maybe… But he was lying to me the whole time. I thought I knew who he was, but it turned out he was this whole other person after all.”

It was Clint’s turn to smile wanly.

“I know you’re hurt by it all, and I take some of the blame - I didn’t know you didn’t know - but tell me this; how was one different from the other?”

Steve’s eyebrows drew together as he tried to understand Clint’s question. “What do you mean?”

“When Bucky came to your apartment that night, when he ‘became’ this other person, as you put it, what did he do that was so different? Did he treat you any differently to how he had before?”

Steve sat, looking at Clint wide-eyed as realisation washed over him. Through all the hurt and all the pain, he’d never really broken down what Bucky had done that night, what lengths he’d gone to. He felt a lump form in his throat and tears form in his eyes as he answered.

“No. He didn’t treat me any different. In fact, he saved me.”

Maybe it was time to meet that therapist.

The rear door of the club banged on its hinges as Bucky shouldered his way through it. It was not in the mood for, well, anything. He stomped down the hall and into the office. His office. It was no longer just a place to do the odd deal, it was now the centre of the operations that his father had handed over to him.

Stalking across to the desk he yanked open the bottom drawer and pulled out the first aid kit and a part full bottle of whisky. He took a healthy swig of the latter before opening up the former. Ripping open an alcohol wipe, Bucky let out a restrained hiss as he swiped it across the bloody knuckles of his right hand.

It was strange how so much had changed in the past few weeks. While he had never shied away from the physical aspects of the business - knowing that sometimes it was the only way to deliver a message - he’d never actively sought out participation, quite happy for his father’s enforcers to do the majority of the dirty work. However, it now seemed that his mind was only ever quiet when he was beating seven shades of hell out of some snitch or rival punk. Or when he was deep in the bottle. Sometimes both.

George Barnes had been thrilled when Bucky had requested more involvement and responsibility, clapping his son on the shoulder and immediately drawing him into his traditional study and getting out his books. His mother, Winnifred, has known something was wrong though. Bucky could see it in her expression when she looked at him. He knew she was worried about what had prompted this change of heart regarding the business, but every time she looked as though she was about to start probing, he’d brush her off. Part of him wanted to pour his heart out to her, just as he had when he’d been a child, but another part of him told him that it was just life and he had to suck it up. Things got damaged and broken in their world, so he might as well get used to it.

Dropping the wipe, Bucky picked the bottle up again, tipping it up and just letting it burn down his throat. He didn’t even move when the office door opened and Clint walked through. Bucky did his best to ignore his friend, because if it wasn’t his mother trying to get him to talk, it was the stubborn Beta. Of course, Clint immediately noticed Bucky’s wounds.

“Sit down, Boss,” Clint said with a resigned note. “Who better to fix you up than the man who’s been there and had the blood splattered over his t-shirt?” 

Bucky rolled his eyes, but did as asked, although he didn’t relinquish the grip he had his bottle. Clint pulled out another alcohol wipe and got to work cleaning Bucky up. However, with Bucky now captive to him, it gave him a chance to start up on his new favourite topic of conversation.

“You haven’t gone to speak to him yet.” A statement, not a question. “You need to get a grip, man. Tell him how you feel.”

“He knows where I am,” Bucky snapped back. “I’ve texted him, but he’s barely responded. I’ve said all I need to say.”

“Have you?” Clint scoffed. “Have you really? Because if you had then I doubt you would be sitting here bloody and drunk, and Steve wouldn’t be sleep-walking through life as though he’s an emotionless automaton.”

Bucky tipped back the bottle again. “Butt out, Clint. It’s not your life. It’s mine. I’m just doing what I gotta do.”

“Yeah, and what you’re doing is ruining it.” He grabbed the gauze and started to wrap a bandage around Bucky’s knuckles. “Come on, Bucky. You were so happy before. You and Steve. But now you’re on the path to self-destruction. There’s a big difference between getting more involved with the family business and using it to block out your pain. Steve cares for you, I know he does, but he’s confused and traumatised. I’m thinking that maybe you are as well.”

Bucky let out a derisive laugh. “Me? I wasn’t the one who was attacked.”

“Yeah, but the Omega - the person - that you love was,” Clint countered. “You only just got there in time to stop it and then you had to deal with the aftermath. Had to watch him distraught and in pain. However, you only helped him through part of it. As soon as feelings on both sides got involved you ran away.”

“He asked me to leave, Barton.”

Clint raised an eyebrow. “Did he? Did he say ‘I want you to leave’?”

Bucky’s brain whirred, sorting through his memories of the last time he’d seen Steve. Had he asked Bucky to go, or had Bucky said that he was going to and Steve just went along with it? His head started to pound with it.

“You know what, Clint? Fuck off. I don’t need you trying to analyse me. I’ve got a shrink if I need to do that.” Bucky pushed himself up from the chair, knowing he shouldn’t be talking to his friend like this, but feeling just so full of frustration he couldn’t stop it from spilling over. He took a last drink and threw the now empty bottle into the trash. “Call Kate. She’s working tonight to cover my shift. In fact, she can cover them all until further notice.”

Without even looking at Clint, unable to meet his eyes, Bucky strode out of the office and onto the main floor of the club. He kept his gaze fixed forwards, not wanting to see the pity-filled expressions of the people he knew. When he reached the bar he stopped at it long enough to grab another bottle, tequila this time, before heading out of the main doors.

He wasn’t really thinking about where he was going, just knowing he needed a walk to clear his head. A little voice inside commented that it was difficult to do that if he was going to continue to drink while he crossed town, but he told it to shut up. He was aware that he was receiving concerned and cautious glances from other pedestrians, and even noticed a few folk going out of their way to avoid him, but he didn’t care.

His world had gone to shit. He loved Steve. His Stevie. His Sunshine. But he’d been stupid and selfish. Through his own actions and ineptitude he’d broken Steve’s trust in him and allowed him to get hurt. How different would the present be if he’d been straight with Steve from the beginning? Would Steve have still wanted to know him - have a relationship with him? Would Bucky have been brave enough to declare his feelings? Could they have avoided the whole Stephen thing altogether?

Finding himself in familiar surroundings, Bucky wasn’t even surprised to realise that he’d walked all the way to Steve’s apartment. He was even less surprised to note that it had started raining, and from the state of his clothes, had been for sometime. On top of that, dusk was falling and the street lights were turning on. Time always seemed to pass quickly these days, stuck in his own head as he so often was, and both his parents and Clint had called him out on a few occasions for blanking them when they were talking to him.

He crossed the street and made his way down the alley at the side of the building. Although he couldn’t see in from here, he could see Steve’s living room lit up at the top of the fire escape, and could make out shadows flitting around inside. Cautiously, tucking the tequila bottle into his pants, he began to climb up. As drunk as he was, he somehow managed to scale the metal rungs quietly, and he crouched on the platform outside Steve’s window, looking in through a crack in the curtains.

Bucky could hear music playing from Steve’s speakers and he shifted slightly so he could see where Steve was jigging along in his little kitchenette, cooking something up on the stove. God, Steve was so fucking beautiful it hurt. What he wouldn’t give to be inside with him right now. Dancing and singing along, cooking together. He imagined how after a simple meal for two, he’d pull Steve close, whisper sweet nothings in his ear and then take him to the bedroom and take him apart in the most beautiful way. His eyes burned with unshed tears and he pulled the bottle from his pants and took a drink. It was only as he righted it that he realised that he’d gotten down to the bottom.

He stared at it for a moment, his heart beating wildly in his chest, thoughts swirling and realisation starting to crystallise in his mind. He looked up at Steve again, seemingly happy or at least on his way to being so, and then back down at himself. His clothes were rumpled and smeared with dirt, blood and alcohol. 

What the actual fuck was he doing?

He was acting just like Stephen - mooning over Steve and making it all about how he felt. God, he was even creeping like the deranged Alpha, watching Steve from the shadows. He felt bile rise in his throat and retched, his stomach emptying the alcohol over the side of the fire escape and onto the concrete below. When no more came up, he scrambled down the ladder as fast his legs could safely take him and leant against the wall.

This wasn’t right. He wasn’t right. And if he stood any chance of rebuilding his relationship with Steve he had to fix whatever the hell was wrong with him. He caught sight of a dumpster a few feet away, and threw the empty bottle overhand into it, listening to the tinkle of glass as it smashed upon impact.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he dialled a number he hadn’t called in months. As it rang he took one more look up at the windows of Steve’s apartment, before turning on his heel and heading towards the nearest taxi rank. When the phone connected, he had no time for pleasantries.

“Banner? Yeah, it’s Barnes. I need my head shrunk and I need your soonest appointment. Tomorrow at 10am? Yeah. I’ll be there.”

Steve let out a sigh and stretched his arms over his head. He’d been lucky enough to score a lucrative night shift for once. Unluckily, it came as part of a double shift because one of the other servers had called in sick. Still, it would help to bolster his bank account and he could live with that, even if it came at the expense of feet ache, back ache and sleep deprivation.

There had been a rush on around midnight, when all the local clubs had kicked out, and Steve had kept his head down as much as he was able when he recognised some patrons from the Alpha Barne, but since then it had been fairly quiet. The only patrons they’d really had were a few of the local homeless who used their meagre scraped together coins to buy bottomless coffee and use the diner as a place to stay warm and safe overnight. Steve couldn’t begrudge them that, especially as he considered how close he’d been to being their shoes. However, it was now nearing 5am, and the night shift cook had told him to start expecting the early risers. They often got a lot of construction workers looking for a cheap and filling meal on their way to their job sites.

It was now two months since the attack, and he’d been seeing the psychiatrist, Dr Banner, who Dr Cho had put him in touch with. With a kindly face, and a soft spoken voice, the older Alpha had listened patiently to Steve’s story, his fears and feelings of betrayal, and while he knew he still had a long way to go, Steve knew that he was on the right path. He was looking forward to coming off the suppressants in the next few weeks, hoping it would make him feel even more like himself.

At Dr Banner’s insistence, he’d tried to dance at home again. “You shouldn’t let these incidents rob you of what brings you joy, Steve,” he’d said, and Steve had vowed to try again. Without a proper pole in his house, he’d tried to replicate his dance from that first night, and while he’d struggled to get through it, had finished in a puddle of tears, he had done it. Maybe some of the tears had been down to relief? But still, it gave him hope. If he could regain his confidence with dancing he might be able to find the confidence and strength to go back to the Alpha Barne - work there again and face Bucky. As he considered it all, Steve stretched out his legs, rotating his ankles to ease the ache, unconsciously going into a dancer’s pose.

The bell above the door rang and he grabbed his notepad. He turned to face his new customer with a smile which froze on his face. There, with the door closing behind him was Bucky. But this wasn’t the Bucky that Steve remembered. 

His Bucky had worn jeans and either plain black t-shirts or maroon or navy Henleys, his long hair casually tied up in a bun. This Bucky was an altogether different beast. He wore a suit; black with a subtle pinstripe check. His hair was still tied up, but it had been slicked back and tamed - something which caused a pang of disappointment to dart through him. This Bucky also had hollow looking eyes and bandaged hands.

Bucky stepped forward. “Hi, Stevie.”

Steve’s breath caught in his throat. “Hi, Buck- I mean, James.”

Bucky’s lips turned up, but there was no joyful smile in his eyes. “I’m still Bucky. Buck. That hasn’t changed. I was wondering if we could talk?”

Steve pulled his lower lip between his teeth as he looked around. There were two homeless guys sitting in a booth on the far side, doing yesterday’s crossword puzzle between them. They’d already been here two hours and were unlikely to order anything, but he didn’t know who was going to work through the doors before then.

“The next shift comes in at 6am, so I am sort of working until then. Do you want to wait?”

“Of course I’ll wait,” Bucky replied and this time his eyes did reflect his smile, albeit shyly. “But could I trouble you for a cup of coffee? I’m not used to seeing the day from this end.”

Steve couldn’t help but flash his own smile. “Take a seat. I’ll bring it over. And it’s bottomless.”

“Even better.”

Steve made his way behind the counter, finding the cleanest and most un-chipped mug he could, and filled it up with steaming coffee from the jug. Automatically he added a small spoon of sugar and dollop of cream, his hands remembering how Bucky liked to drink his joe.

When he turned back around, he found Bucky sitting in the opposite corner to the other two customers, and he was looking at something on his phone. Steve’s heart jumped in his chest as he took this opportunity to quietly study the Alpha who produced such conflicting feelings within him. He was so glad to see him, and his inner Omega longed to curl up in Bucky’s lap and trade lazy kisses until he was purring with contentment. However, he knew that to do so without clearing the air and saying what he needed to say would lead to disaster in the long term. The pair of them needed to be on the same page.

Squaring his shoulders, Steve walked over to Bucky’s table and placed the cup in front of him. Bucky tilted his head up, his eyes shining with emotion, and Steve opened his mouth to start to say his piece when the bell rang again. Looking over his shoulder, Steve saw a group of labourers, hats in hand and hi-vis vests tucked into their pants, crowd through the door. 

“Go do your job, Stevie. I said I’d wait, and I mean it.”

Over the next hour Steve served the customers who came in for early breakfasts, a mixture of labourers, early-rising office workers and first responders coming off shift. In between orders, he’d glance over a Bucky, who asked for a refill twice, but was more often than not still reading and typing on his phone. Eventually though Carol, who was scheduled to do the early shift, came through the door. After handing over to her, Steve returned to Bucky’s booth.

“So I’m done. You said you wanted to talk?”

“I do. I think we have a lot to say to each other, but if you’re anything like me, you’re famished. Would you mind getting me some pancakes? Maybe a double stack and you can eat too?”

Steve felt a blush make its way up his neck. Bucky remembered how much he liked pancakes. He’d eat them at every meal if he could.

“Sure, Buck. I’ll be right back.”

[Image description: A moodboard. The background is a cityscape at dawn, the background different shades of orange. There are five picture frames. The first is the interior of a diner. The second is an external view of a diner in the morning. The large sign is turned off. The third is of a lit up, bent arrow sign at night, declaring a Diner, with the word “eat” underneath. The fourth is a quote - “Create the life you can’t wait to wake up to.” The fifth picture is of a stack of pancakes with a jug of syrup and a cup of coffee on a diner table.]

He returned a little over five minutes later, carrying a massive plate, groaning with buttered pancakes, and with a jug of syrup in his other hand. Placing it down, he slid onto the bench seat opposite Bucky.

They looked at each other and as Steve opened his mouth to speak, Bucky did the same.

“How’ve you been?” Steve asked as Bucky said “I hope you’ve been doing okay.”

They both stopped and Steve was pleased to note he wasn’t the only one blushing. Bucky gestured with his hand and Steve answered first.

“Not badly, all things considered. I mean, it was rough at the beginning, but Dr Cho has been great - explaining to me why I need to stay on the suppressants for so long before coming off them. I actually start the process of weaning off them next week, which I’m looking forward to. And I’ve started therapy. It’s probably something I should have done when I got away from Stephen that first time, but better late than never, I suppose. My psychiatrist is really good at helping me deal with all the anger I’ve been feeling. What about you?”

Bucky laced his fingers together and rested his hands on the table in front of him. His thumbs fidgeted against each other and his gaze was cast down.

“I’ve - umm - been working. With my father. Not behind the bar.” 

It seemed to Steve that Bucky was worried how he’d react to the news. To be honest, Steve wasn’t actually sure how he felt. He didn’t want to make a spur of the minute judgement. “And do you enjoy that more than bar-tending?” he probed gently.

Bucky did look up at that, cocking his head with a snort. “I don’t know if enjoying it is the right word. I mean, it’s good to get more involved in the running of everything. Working on logistics and planning. Although I can’t say that I don’t enjoy some aspects of ‘taking out the trash’.” He glanced briefly at his knuckles and Steve couldn’t help but follow his gaze. “But I do miss the club. Clint. The girls. It felt like a big family, you know?”

“Are you going to continue with it?” Steve asked

“Will my answer make a difference to what happens next?”

Steve gave a little shrug. “Possibly. I don’t know. I think I need to get my head around it.”

“That’s fair,” Bucky agreed with a nod. “But I think this change was inevitable. I couldn’t keep myself out of it forever. It is a family business after all.”

Silence fell between them and in order to stop feeling awkward, Steve grabbed his cutlery and cut off a wedge of pancake, dunking it in the jug of syrup.

“Heathen,” Bucky hissed in amusement, and Steve felt himself grin, unbidden, around his mouthful. For a few minutes they both ate, but the silence grew heavy again and when he finished a mouthful, Steve blurted out, “I never thanked you. So ‘thank you’. For saving me.”

“Oh, Steve,” Bucky sighed out. “You don’t have to do that. Not at all. And I’m so sorry that I didn’t get there sooner. I’m sorry he even had the chance to hurt you again.”

Without thinking, Steve reached out across the table and took Bucky’s hand loosely in his own. “It’s not your fault, Buck. None of it. I should have told you. I trusted you more than anyone, but I still didn’t say anything.”

Bucky smiled back at him, gently squeezing his hand back.

“I remember,” Steve continued, “when you came in, and you were facing off against Stephen, talking about how I got to choose who to fuck and love and trust. I remember you saying that you hit two out of the three.”

Bucky’s eyebrows rose up towards his hair. “You remember that? You were pretty out of it. I’m sorry that I don’t check any of your boxes now. I doubt you trust me any more, but I wouldn’t blame you. I lied about who I was.”

“Yes,” Steve agreed. “You did. I made assumptions and you didn’t correct them. Numerous times. And I am cross about it, but I still trust you. And when it comes down to it, you only lied about who you are, not what you are.”

“What do you mean ‘what I am’?” Bucky asked, obviously puzzled.

“You, James Buchanan Barnes, are a good man. You’re a good Alpha and a good friend. You are my lover and my hero. And you’re the man that I love. You don’t tick only two of my boxes, Bucky. You tick all of them. All three of them.”

Bucky’s jaw dropped. “Y-you love me? You never said anything, Steve, other than wanting to be friends.”

“How could I not love you? From the moment you took me home before my heat I was a goner. You looked after me. Cared for me. You weren’t disgusted…” unbidden memories of Stephen’s treatment of him came flooding into his mind and Steve stuttered to a halt, pulling his hand back from Bucky’s. He didn’t dare look at Bucky, and instead stared at the drips of syrup that were domed atop the melamine table top. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think I was worthy of love, especially yours. So I kept telling myself that you wouldn’t want more than friends with benefits. Every time I said it out loud I think I was trying to convince myself more than anything. Anyway, I wanted you to know. It seemed only right. I don’t want to have any secrets from you anymore.”

In the following silence, Steve was sure he heard crickets chirping, and despite how awkward and embarrassed he felt, eventually he peered up from under his eyelashes. Bucky looked like he’d stopped working. His mouth was still open like a fish and he was blinking like he was trying desperately to process what Steve had just said. Worried about what he might say when he did get his wits about him, Steve pressed on.

“The therapy is really working though. I’m feeling a lot more myself. Better than in a long time, even though I know there’s still a long way to–”

“I love you too.” The words tumbled from Bucky’s lips, stopping Steve mid-flow as surely as the way that Bucky reclaimed his hand did. “And, fuck. Of course you’re worthy of love, Stevie. You’re worthy of everything. If anything, it’s me that isn’t.” He pulled Steve’s hand up to his face and pressed a kiss to his knuckles. “I lied to you, over and over again. I knew I should tell you, but I was so scared that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You seemed so against this whole ‘family business’ thing, and while I desperately wanted something more, I wanted to respect the fact that you only wanted friendship.”

Steve couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped him. “What a pair we are, Buck. And as for how I spoke about what you did, what your family does, I don’t know anything about that world outside of newspaper clippings and over the top films. For the most part I was just being silly - winding you up to watch you smile.” He shifted his hand within Bucky’s grasp so that their fingers were entwined. “I love watching you smile. Watching you blush. I love you, James Buchanan Barnes, but as I said earlier, no more secrets, yeah?”

“Yeah, no more secrets, Sunshine.” Bucky reached up his hand and swiped his thumb over Steve’s cheek. “I promise that whatever I do will have as little impact upon you as possible. You can know whatever you want to know.”

Steve nuzzled into Bucky’s hand, feeling a purr build in his chest at the closeness. “I don’t think I’m gonna be feeling some kinda way for a while, but I wondered, after we’ve finished here, if you wanted to come and doze in my nest with me. Maybe watch a movie or two?”

Bucky smiled at him adoringly. “Sunshine, I'm happy to do whatever you want.”

It was difficult for the pair of them to finish off the pancake stack with only one hand each, but Steve wasn’t willing to let Bucky go, and it seemed as though Bucky felt the same.

He knew they both had a way to go yet, but it was a new day and they were going to face it together.

Chapter 4

Tag list:@christywrites, @alexakeyloveloki, @doasyoudesireandlive, @galactusdevourerofworlds, @crayongirl-linz, @mightstill, @nicoline1998enilocin, @km-ffluv, @wheezy-stucky, @kmc1989, @kombatfather1796

Bingo and Challenge fills:

For the whole fic: @Buckybarnesevents Into and alternate June-iverse - Strip Club | April Babb - Pet names

For the Chapter:  @Stuckybingo -Pancakes | @steverogersbingo  - Worthy Steve | @Stuckygeekevents  - “How could I not love you?” | Alpha Bucky April - Purring

[thatonegeekygirl]

me: change is an inherent fact of existence. to be loved is to be changed, to grow is to lose some things and gain others. the nature of life is inconsistent and ever shifting.

also me: FUCK WHO LET ALL THIS GODDAMN CHANGE IN HERE

[charliejaneanders]

This Saturday: The Trans Nerd Meet Up!

This Saturday! The TRANS NERD MEET UP! It's a chill, friendly gathering for gender-nonconforming folk who like to geek out about whatever.

(Science? Tech? Games? Comics? Fiber arts? Fuzzy animals? Seriously whatever you geek out about, we wanna hear.) Come hang!

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