#These are reasonable reactions and emotions for a guy in his situation with his past to have
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anyoldfandom · 1 year ago
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I just had. A devastating realization.
In episode 3, when Six says "In our line of work, we need to be careful. People we pull into this life, they can too easily get caught in the crossfire."
And that always stood out to me bc it feels pretty personal, but we don't actually know who he's talking about. Not Holiday - she was in Providence before they met. Not One, he brought Six willingly into the life, and people don't really turn due to exposure with EVOs, so Six wouldn't have "pulled" him into anything. Maybe White getting bleached, but that was more a result of his own actions.
I always kind of thought it was a character we never met, an ambigous "someone" that died in his past, but on a rewatch today, it clicked that while Rex was talking about Circe...Six was talking about Rex.
Six brought Rex to Providence when he could've brought him anywhere else. Providence would've believed the robot destroyed - they did believe the robot was destroyed. Thry definitwly had no reason to link it to this kid. But Six brought this child, this EVO, to a place where he had earlier that day watched them kill another EVOfor research, where they had other human EVOs explicitly caged to deconstruct. He took Rex into the lion's den to show Holiday, and Rex had no idea. Six could've been more careful, and taken Holiday to see Rex instead.
But he was emotional. He was tired from seeing One suffer, tired of killing people and monsters, tired of fighting an endless war. It's very possible that working for Providence is what turned Six from that shitty, cocky guy he was 20 years ago into the tired soldier he was when he met Rex. He saw hope, an opportunity to save people, to save his father and bring hope to the only other person who seemed to care about EVOs beyond killing them.
And for that, Rex suffered. White suffered. Six watched the man he loved be forced into an office and the child and hope he wanted to protect fall under Providence's grasp. He pulled Rex into the life because he wasn't careful, denied him any semblance, any opportunity of a normal life. Six became Rex's protector, but he can't protect Rex from the very thing he pulled him into - the mistake he made because he let hope and desperation drive him.
And...it also makes me wonder. Do you think he feels he doesn't deserve Rex? Do you think his heart drops when Rex jumps headfitst into danger? When he sees the kid hurt on the field, or pushing himself past his limits to save people - do you think Six feels guilty he's in that situation? If he'd been just a little smarter, this child wouldn't be suffering. More people overall would be hurt, sure - but the child he cares about, the child who made him into a better man, would be safe. It's a selfish thought from a man who has only known the selfish life of a mercenary for so long, a man we see selfishly cling to hope with One's suffering.
And part of me wonders if that's part of the reason why he trusts Rex, but he tries to play it by the rules first at the beginning of the show. Thay beyond just protecting Rex, he feels responsible for this current danger Rex is in, and that the best he can do is protect Rex as much as he can, to take the brunt of the consequences of Rex's rebellion and stunts on himself.
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marsdql · 19 days ago
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𓍯𓂃𓏧♡ p. childhood boyfriend!sim jaeyun ⤫ 𝘧𝘦𝘮!𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳﹒wc: 9.2к﹒g. romantic drama, emotional romance, angst, slowburn, light fluff﹒cw. emotional distress, ghosting and abandonment, suidical thoughts, mental health struggles, manipulation, past trauma, reconciliation and healing, triggers of emotional abuse, toxicity, high levels of angst and emotional intensity, mild references to past toxic relationships. @wheretheheckis-ssaki
𓏲 ๋࣭  ࣪ ˖ synopsis ﹒During middle school, you and a boy in your friend’s class—named Sim Jaeyun—were inseparable, you both had your own friendg roup, he was a popular guy on the soccer team while you were a normal girl, yet would talk to each other on the phone everyday the second the bell rang. You both eventually fell for each other but had to keep your relationship private due to drama with girls. A year later—after everyone found out about you guys, he unexpectedly distanced—then disappeared. 10 years later, when you move to France for a few weeks due to a project in uni, you and Jake cross paths once again. (NOT PROOFREAD)
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Sim Jaeyun, he was the best boyfriend I could ever think of having, he was my first love, definitely. It started in the seventh grade, when he was in class 7G—the same class as my friends. I remember when my bestfriend first told me about how he’d catch people playing Roblox in class and signal it to the entire class—that’s when I started teasing him—he was my best friends locker buddy, so I’d see him everyday.
Everytime id see him—when he would be arguing about something stupid with his classmates, I’ll snarl at him, “shut up Jake! Go play your Roblox!”. For some odd reason, he was REALLY talkative, but the second I’d say that, he’d just shut up. He’d smile at me and continue packing his things to get to the bus, forgetting about the entire conversation he had with the people next to him.
Until one day, another normal day of me telling him the same line, he actually responded this time. ‘How about you go play Roblox, huh?’ He said. ‘Okay, I will then, make sure you join me in jayjay simulator!!!’ I replied—I don’t know why I said “jayjay”, it just came out—soon enough, that would be the name all the girls would start calling him—because of me. As I walked away with my bestfriend—heading to the bus, I whispered to her, “hey, you know, Jake is kinda cute.”
— rest below cut ! —
Later that day, I decided to add him on my phone, message him—tease him a little bit more, he was funny—his reactions. He wasn’t like other boys, when you’d argue with him, he’d do it in a goofy way, he wouldn’t say actual harmful stuff—not to me Atleast.
- Jake: who is this?
- You: You didn’t join me in jayjay simulator. :(
- Jake: Hehe, yes I did!!!
He was so cute, even his messages were adorable. Whenever I’d playfully roleplay and fake random situations, people would call me childish, but with him, he’d play along, fully convincing eachother that everything we said was real.
I was determined to talk to this guy everyday, I’d find a random topic that has been spreading around our grade so that everyday, after school, I’d message him, using it as an excuse to talk to him. And it worked! I noticed that he’d even find some stuff too, so that he could message me. Once, he asked me for anime recommendations even though everyone knows him and his friendgroup hated anime, they made fun of it—except for blue lock of course—since it’s football related.
During my pe class, his friends that were in my class were destroying me in badminton—they weren’t that good…..but I just sucked at the sport! He peeked in, hoping to waste time from his class, and I screamed “Jake!!! Help me, your friends are bullying me…”
he was such a nice person to me, I’d tease him and say that he was rude in order to keep talking to him—in my mind, if I was accusing him of something, it’d be another reason for him to keep responding to me— and of course, it worked, I’m just a genius.
We were genuinely so funny, we both wanted to talk to eachother whenever we had the chance, but didn’t know how. Our biggest highlight was when we’d send random emojis to eachother for 4 hours straight just because we had no conversation anymore.
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On February 14th, at the valentines dance, we were pressured to hug by the crowd. At this point, I had the biggest crush on him but nobody knew. Since he was popular and quiet talk compared to the other boys(puberty hit him the earliest), most of my friends fancied him. I was stuck, how could I tell my friends that I liked him first, when I never told them? Anyway, we didn’t hug, we’re both so awkward and to be honest, I’m glad we didn’t, it’s too cringe hugging like that!
When we got home, he messaged me, telling me he’s sorry he didn’t hug me because….. his teacher was watching and didn’t want him to tell his parents??? What a stupid excuse… That’s not the point, Y/n get back into the topic! I don’t remember how we got to the conversation but we were talking about crushes, who we liked. I kid you not, it took us 3 hours to confess, and it was so obvious we were saying we liked each other! We kept asking each other for hints, obvious ones. But eventually, we both said each others name at the same time. I remember so vividly that I was playing cards with my brother, unable to focus because of the joy I was feeling after reading my name pop up.
Now that I look back at it, I realize how mature we were for our age, even though we confessed, we didn’t do anything about it, we didn’t start dating or anything—just got really awkward, stopped talking in real life after that…
Fast forward the summer of 7th grade, when we got together July 2nd at 2am. To be honest, it wasn’t the way I expected it to be.
A girl from my grade messaged me:
- g/n: Hey! You’re close to Jake, right?
- You: Hi g/n! And yeah, I am, why?
- g/n: well… me and him have been messaging for 2 weeks now and I kinda like him. I was hoping you’d help me?
I beg your pardon? Me? Help you? I don’t even know this girl, all I knew was that she was some popular girl in a big friendgroup. That friendgroup was always around jake’s, they craved their attention so much—it disgusted me. But, it’s not like he’s my boyfriend, who am I to say no, maybe he likes her.
I helped her that entire night—telling her to text him certain things that only I knew he’d enjoy. They started doing the same thing me and him did on Valentine’s Day, guessing each other’s crushes, it took me aback, I self sabotaged myself—for no reason at all. During all of it, he was messaging me at the same time, acting a sweet to me. For no reason at all, he sent me this out of context message, “Y/n, I enjoy messaging you a lot.” Seconds later,
- g/n: He was taking too long to tell me his crush so I just told him I like him and asked if he wants to get together!
What? Did I just read that right… I acted as if I didn’t see her message and went to respond to jake’s instead. “Oh really?” I questioned him, my heart was beating so fast at this point, I didn’t know what was going to happen, it has been months and we’re still in a talking stage, surely he wouldn’t get with a girl he started talking to just 2 weeks ago, right? That’s what I thought until another message popped up.
- g/n: GIRL OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU HE JUST SAID YES OMGOMG.
the second she said that, he responded to me, “yeah, I really do, you’re my favourite person to talk to.” Oh heck no. I’m hysterically sobbing—what the hell?
Okay I can’t do this deep detail stuff, fast forward again—he told me and the girl goodnight—well actually, he only told the girl goodnight, I’m the one who told him goodnight before he could say anything else because I was so close to blocking him. But, I couldn’t hold it in, I had to confront him.
- You: Jake, I know you’re not asleep, respond
- Jake: What’s up?
- You: Tell me now, who’s your crush?
- Jake: you already know who
- You: no I don’t, who is it
- Jake: you
- You: then why did you just ask out g/n?
- Jake: who told you
- You: it doesn’t matter who told me, answer me.
- Jake: I promise you I’ll tell you when you tell me who told you
I tried so hard to keep my composure, but I told him everything. Then, I asked him politely, “who do you want? Me or g/n?” no intention in making him choose between us, I genuinely wanted to know because I didn’t want to be lead on if he liked g/n—and I didn’t want g/n to be lead on in this relationship if he liked me. I never made him choose between us, I simply asked him who he liked because he just agreed to dating a girl 2 hours ago and is now telling me he likes me, anyone in my situation would’ve done that, right?
- Jake: you I pick you
- Jake: I want you
- Jake: I’m so sorry I was just desperate for someone and I thought you liked one of my friends at this point, I was so desperate I just agreed to her.
We got together right after he broke up with her the following morning—maybe it was kind of stupid of us to do it so soon, but we were both waiting in eachother since the day we confessed all those months ago, it was summer, everything felt right, we had a huge conversation that night and talked about eachother and all our hidden secrets til 4am. In that conversation, we also made it clear that we would keep our relationship private because he had friends who liked me and I also had multiple who liked him.
Riingg ! — back into reality.
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8:00am, you get up, brush your teeth, and your hair, wear a basic outfit you barely looked at before picking, and walk to the train station—waiting a few minutes for it to arrive.
There goes your alarm, woah, you just experienced your entire love story with Jake again, in a dream—you almost thought it was real. You're now 22, can’t believe that all happend 10 years ago. It feels as if it happend yesterday. Although, a lot has changed since then, You're not the same as before, you arent in middle school, or high school at all—but rather studying medicine in one of your dream universities. Your personality has changed a lot, the way you act has matured a lot aswell—you now know that you don’t need to be a brat in order to get people’s attention, hah…
Although your life has changed, the place to where your mind wanders hasn’t. You still remember the time you and Jake risked a day to go on a field trip downtown to a haunted house in the 8th grade—right after summer. You remember all the stares you got as you walked together—not even holding hands or anything, just simply walking. Everyone would ship you guys together—yet got so mad when they suspected that you two were dating.
A few days—not even—a few hours after the field trip, pictures of me and him were spreader everywhere. I was officially done for. My friends had left me a little before it all, I was already dealing with that loss—and now, I had to deal with the entire population of girls in my grade hating on me—simply for hanging out with a friend everyone knew I was close to.
I just didn’t get it. Everyone would ship us, everyone knew we were close, we didn’t even kiss—or hold hands—or hug—or anything! Why did everyone get so mad? They didn’t know or get the confirmation that we were dating—so why did I get ignored by everyone so secretively? Nobody talked to me about it, rumours spread about me and only me—about Jake—just me. The worse thing was, I didn’t have a say in anything. Nobody could say anything to my face, it was all behind my back, nobody dared to say anything while I was around, I never found out what they said—only small details of my last remaining friends that would overhear small stuff from crowds.
That’s basically how my entire 8th grade was like. I know some people would see it as a compliment that nobody could say anything to my friend—not even humiliate or bully me for it, but I felt as if it was the biggest curse ever. I never had a chance to speak about it, talk my feelings.
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The worse part is—Jake said it was going to be okay, he didn’t care about what people thought about us. But just a month after the entire incident—he ghosted me for two weeks, came back to say sorry then did it again for two weeks. Then, it became a month and came back later to talk about how he was moving to France at the end of the year. I knew about it already, I was the only person he told, but it felt so much wise because he was talking about it during a period where he was just constantly ghosting me.
It was soon going to be his birthday so I decided to send him a huge paragraph:
I’ve deleted every single person off my Snapchat to make sure we keep that “you and Jake have been each other's number one best friend for 2 months!” Even though it’s been almost a year since we had it, you know it only changes from 2 weeks, 2 months and two years. Yet still, you lost it. So so busy of you to lose that feature, texting someone else. I saw you online for a good 3 hours. How are you busy?
I said I don’t mind if you’re busy because we each have our own lives, but you’re completely ghosting me.
I can’t take a single apology from you anymore it makes me even more angry and frustrated I hate how much you take advantage of me because you know I’ll be the first to say “it’s alright” or “don’t think about it too much, I forgive you” and completely forget about every single breakdown I’ve had because of you.
I hate all of your sorry messages I hate the way I felt so happy each time you apologize even though you never changed, I hate when I begged you to stop calling you a bad boyfriend even though you are not only a bad boyfriend but the worst newest person that entered my life, I hate how much I can’t stop loving you despite all of the pain and hatred I’m getting from you, I hate how much I miss the times you were actually excited to text me, I hate it when I actually believed that you’d love me forever, I hate it when we talked about our future together and how we both prayed to be soulmates, I hate how you’re always the first thing that comes to mind when I wake up, do something, cry, laugh, lay down, work, and every single other thing I do in my life. I hate how much I love you more than you love me and I hate even more how much I’m aware of it. I hate the night you killed me inside and still found a way to make me happy in the end with your tricks. I hate how happy you look in real life when I see you with your friends knowing I have one friend and always have to plan ahead if she’s not here, how I have problems with everyone and even that current friend I’m not happy around, compared to you and your amazing friend group where everyone loves you and you love them.
I hate how you still manage to have a smile on your face even when we’re not texting. I don’t understand how much I hate you right now but it’s not hate as in how much I hate my old friends, it’s a hate of sadness and of “how could you do this to me” hate. I hate you so much I can’t get rid of you. I love you too much and that’s why I hate you. I hope to one day look back at my 8th grade and hopefully say that all this pain was all worth it in the end because I’ve ruined my childhood so much 7-8th grade because of you.
Tomorrow January 12 2024 will be the day me and you met last year. We’ve known each other for a year. Why does it feel like I’ve known you my whole life and I’ve felt miserable since birth? I can't do this anymore.
I wish I could be as happy as you when you’re with your friends, I wish I could be as careless as you, I wish I could go months without texting their partner just like you, I wish I didn’t need to worry if someone’s going to leave me or not, I wish I could have peace and calmness in my life, I wish I had friends I actually enjoyed, I wish I didn’t need to feel so lonely all the time, I wish I didn’t have to look down whenever I see you in the hallways so that I don’t embarrass myself, I wish I wasn’t always so angry, I wish I didn’t care so much about everything, I wish I wasn’t sensitive, I wish I was crying right now, I wish I could leave and forget everyone I met last and this year including you, I wish I didn’t start talking to you, I wish I was your first and only option, I wish I didn’t think of you everytime a song came up, I wish I didn’t think of you when I see something that I know you like, I wish I could find an end to all the things that come up to mind that don’t stop flowing when I’m writting these, I wish I didn’t waste all that money on you, I wish that Snapstreak I paid back for because you lost it, wasn’t lost again because you just didn’t feel like doing it anymore, I wish I didn’t cry to sad songs because they remind me of you, I wish I didn’t see myself in every mentally unstable situation, I wish I could go to sleep peacefully, I wish you were there when I needed you most, I wish you felt the way I felt, I wish you experienced the stuff I went through, I wish you could understand how I feel, I wish you would listen to me for once, I wish you’d understand the things I feel, I wish you knew how much I’m hurting, I wish I could tell someone about all my problems without feeling guilty afterwards, I wish I could shut my mouth up and stop talking so much especially when nobody enjoys it, I wish you’d snap-text me the way we used to, I wish you’d randomly tell me how much you love me like before, i wish you would beg me for forgiveness when you’d forget to reply for like 5 mins unlike how you leave me on delivered on purpose for 2 days now, I wish you felt grateful for me still being here, I wish I could move places and forget everything, I wish my sins weren’t all on my back even though I’m trying to move on, i wish I could move on from you, I wish I could forget about you the way you so easily forgot about me, I wish I could go to sleep without crying, I wish I could stop listening to my thoughts, I wish everyone would like me like you, I wish you’d understand everything and everyone I lost because I was with you, I wish you’d see how much people hate me because I’m with you and they were jealous, I wish you realize that i didn't care about how I have no friends because I knew I’d be able to talk to u when I get back home, that’s why I’m hurting so much now.
I wish you could ignore the girls that try to hit you up, just like how I do with the boys that simply want to be my friend, I wish you understood how stupidly I miss you, I wish you could treat me how I wish a man could treat me, I wish you’d never leave to France, I wish you never find a new person in France, I wish you’d understand how I can’t live without you anymore and it’s all your fault, I wish you’d see and understand that I feel so worried because I don’t want to lose you, I wish you’d comprehend that I wouldn’t get jealous for no reason and that I was overprotective but rather that you’re my first love and I’m scared of losing you, I wish you’d understand how much I try to talk to you and be around you, I wish you know and see how I finish all my work early or do it later just to try and be able to talk to you as much as I can, I wish you’d know how I’m writing all of this right now instead of revising for my test tomorrow. I wish I wouldn’t feel so tired after crying about you for just a few minutes, I wish my eyes weren’t always heavy because of you and crying because of you, I wish I could stop loving you forever.
Happy birthday Jake! Whenever I write ur name it always pops up as “JAKEEE” and it might sound stupid but I smile everytime I see it. I’m writing this at 11:19pm, on a day where you’re ghosting me, again for the second time. I don’t know what’s the reason this time, knowing you couldn’t keep your promise of not doing it again that you said not even a week ago.
I hope you’re aware I’m not stupid, I see when you’re online, I know you’ve left me on delivery for two days on purpose. When I said I don’t know about your reason “this time”, I in fact don’t know a lot of things that you do. When you’re in trouble I know you go on your phone for a couple minutes, you just decide to not even check up on me with that time. It sounds pathetic and unimportant but in my point of view it’s the most gut wrenching thing to know because I would, without a doubt, pick you out of everyone to talk to if I was going to die and had one last chance to talk to someone.
I’m typing all of this and I’m not even sure if we’ll make it till your birthday but, I’ve decided to completely forget about you when it hits 2024 if you still kept ghosting me because I wanna turn into a new person and throw away my past and all my old mistakes behind me that have been affecting my present. I try so hard to give myself excuses about you not texting, maybe you’re doing something with your parents like you said you were doing, maybe it was a surprise trip! But then I think more and realize that if you wanted to text me and say why you couldn’t text, you would’ve and if you couldn’t, you would’ve tried.
I hate how much I love you and I hate how much I’m aware that you don’t love me the same amount. My December is the absolute definition of “Hell”. I decided to wait for winter break to talk to you all about it and make myself better. What a fool I was for waiting and thinking you’d still text me the same. I hate how we text now, I don’t care about anything I just wanna feel special texting you the way we used to.
When I used to always tell you how tired I am based on how tired you are(like when you weren't tired and I was, I’d lie and say I wasn’t either, don’t know if you know what I’m talking about) I’d say it because I know myself, I know how if you were sad I’d be sad, if you’re happy I’m happy, when you’re not around I’m sad and when you’re around I’m happy.
You don’t understand the times I Thanked god each time you texted me back, even when it turned into an argument. I rather argue with you instead of no contact. That's how much I enjoy texting you. No matter how much I’ve cried and felt miserable being with you at times, I can’t seem to let you go. No matter how many boys that have liked me and I’ve never told you about, I decided to ignore and move on with my life. No matter how handsome they were, I myself don't understand why I see something in you that I don’t see with anyone else. Not being able to let you go is what kills me and I physically cannot live without you.
I can’t live a few hours without you, especially when I don't know the reason why you’re gone. When you told me you leave the people you don’t like texting on delivery, you told me that February 2023, a few days before the Valentine’s dance. If I told my February 2023 self that I’d be one of those people you keep on delivering, I’d laugh and start talking about how you’re such an amazing person.
And what’s worse is, I still laugh at myself and talk the best about you, even when I know deep down all the things I would rather swallow glass than go through again when I was with you.
I remember all our memories like it was yesterday, Jan 12, the first conversation when I added you on discord and you asked me “who is this” and i replied with “why didn’t you join me in nana simulator”. That day when going in the bus I told ____ “hey that Jake guy is kinda cute” but didn’t think it would get this far.
The time you made that stupid lie about not hugging me because mister ____ was there and u didn’t want ur parents to know.. I knew it was a lie, and I wasn’t upset that you didn’t hug me, I was uncomfortable as well at that moment, I was upset because someone hit me.
The night you got with g/n that was the same night you got with me. Every single conversation we had I remember it, even the stupid moment when you said you only liked g/n 40%. You say a lot of stupid things that turn out funny, that’s why I try to make myself feel better thinking you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but I forget that you’re not a child and you know everything you do.
I seriously wish I was lying when I say I never cried this much in my life except when I met you, even now. Right now, you’re even active on Instagram and of course I’m still on delivery. I’ve never felt so pathetic and embarrassed in my life, just looking at that “delivered 2D” thing on ur name. How I watched your name go from “jake” to “Jake❤️” to “jaeyun” to “j” to your original name on snap that you have on default. “⚽️”.
I love you so much that even my mother loves you. Whenever you weren’t texting me (practically the entire December), my mother would ask me about you a lot, I knew she loved you so much and I didn’t want you to have a bad look to my mother so I’d lie to her for you and tell her that you just texted me that you couldn’t text and whenever she’d ask me again, I’d tell her that you were saying the truth and u haven’t went online ever since, even though I knew that you were online half of the time.
I’ve tried seeing you all the time at school just to look at you and act if we are still texting, even if it meant crying a bit in class while thinking about you because I was left without explanation and you always look so happy, despite my absence in your life.
I keep lying to myself and saying that you mean the words you say to me but I know you don’t try to see me in every person you come across the same way I do, you don’t think of me the second you wake up at night the way I do, you would never look for me In a room full of girls.
I wake up from dreams in the middle of the night and even if it was a nightmare my first thought would be you, even if most likely the nightmare would have something to do with you. When my phone is next to me and I wake up, the first thing I do is put my phone down and in my head I say “please say you texted” knowing that each time it’s never you. I go back to sleep and wait for a message knowing I’d never wake up again if it were the case. I say I wish you could communicate more so I could understand how much you love me but, do you not love me as much because you lack communication or do you lack communication because you don’t love me as much.?
I don’t really know how this happy birthday thing turned into a whole story about my love life with you and how miserable I’ve been ever since school started again. It’s 2:01am now and I just can’t seem to fall asleep when you’re on my mind. My head hurts thinking so much about you, my head goes dizzy and my eyes start to pump as if they have their own heartbeat, disgusting..
I love you so much I wish I could forget about you for my own well being.
7 snaps in the morning, none of them are you. So many boys on my phone yet you're still the only one I wish would text me. My head knows ur bad for me but my heart doesn’t wanna leave you, I’m scared of losing every opportunity of being able to be with you, but I guess I’m just wasting that time with my own well being.
3 days doesn't sound like a lot but when you’re always online and ignoring me on purpose, it sure is a long time. I wish I could leave you on delivery for that long. I tried to ignore you a few times but I couldn’t last more than 4 minutes. It hurts how much we are different in this relationship and how much love is we feel is unequal
I tried as much as I could to keep you as my number one best friend on snap. I told my entire best friend list that I couldn’t talk so that nobody would go up, and it still managed to get ruined. Lina spent her days spamming me and making me reply to stories she posts so that she could take the number one best friend list on my list, and it worked. I doubt I was still yours anyway.
I tried as much as I could to keep you as my number one best friend on snap. I told my entire best friend list that I couldn’t talk so that nobody would go up, and it still managed to get ruined. Lina spent her days spamming me and making me reply to stories she posts so that she could take the number one best friend list on my list, and it worked. I doubt I was still yours anyway.
It’s funny because it’s news years and 2 years ago, this was the day i met the online friend who left me.
The one I was attached with for 2 years and ruined my entire mental health throughout 6 and 7th grade. The one that YOU replaced. The one I talked about for hours with you on TikTok, the one I told you I would tell everything and ever since he left, you were the new person I started acting as if it was him.
That guy, that nasty guy I was best friends with, blocked me for fun and ghosted me just to see me suffer without him, and you’re just repeating all of it.
I know you’re never going to message me, yet I realize I keep checking my lock screen every 5 minutes, your Instagram status, your reposts, your snap score, everything. I keep myself on not disturb but keep checking to hope that maybe, just maybe, you would’ve decided to check my messages and reply.
If I knew that night was gonna be the last time we were gonna talk to each other, I would’ve listened to my gut and begged you to stay. I’ve repeated many things, this entire “paragraph”(more like a book lol.) is in scrabbles because I don’t know how to explain myself, I write so much each time and just keep feeling the same, no happiness.
I know I said if you don’t text before it hits 2024, I’d forget you and erase you from my life because I’m trying to change, but the truth is, I’m sure that even if you text me after, I’d reply the second I see your name. Although I might be still a little too confident thinking you’d text at all. I don’t want to leave you, even when I know it’s better for me. I want to text you “I wanna break up” so you could make some sense when you’re half swiping my message and quickly reply, but I’m scared that you wouldn’t question it and instead just say okay and leave for good.
I hate always being the one that gets attached in relationships, especially when the other isn’t.
I hate how when you came back after ghosting me for 2 weeks before ghosting me again this time, you were acting as if you were embarrassed and very guilty about what you did, you made me feel bad for you. While I was the one suffering and crying every chance I got, I was the one comforting you. “You don’t need to say sorry, I knew you wouldn’t do this without a reason, I know you wouldn’t mean it.
Even before you came back and said sorry, I had forgiven you. I just want you to focus on yourself but please, communicate with me next time, I’ll understand you.” Those were the words I told you. Why can’t anyone comfort me the same way I comfort people? Why were those the words I wanted to hear? Why are you, the one who makes me smile and who makes me wanna die as well, why are you the only reason I wanna keep living? Why do I see my life only as Important because I know if I died I wouldn’t be able to text you anymore?
I see you use Snapchat by your snap score going up, gosh it feels so pathetic to know I’m still on delivered. Stop doing this to me please I beg you it hurts too much I can’t handle any of it anymore. My eyes are constantly stinging and it hurts so much, I don’t deserve this, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, with me, not at the look of me going crazy over you not texting me. I’ve been crying for hours and usually I’d run out of tears to cry, why is it that I keep gaining more this time?
Oh please, come back to me, I bear seeing anyone else with you. Our stupid conversations about getting married and lasting forever with eachother, why have you forgotten all of it?
I would’ve never thought i'd feel this way, i thought I loved my life and the only stress I had was school, why am I on winter break and going absolutely insane in the bathroom and in my room over a person like you.
I would’ve never thought id ever wanna die, why do I feel like it’s my only option to peace right now? Suicidal? No way! But I seriously can’t escape from the thought of you, I need you out of my life, but that would be worse, I just wish I never met you, that’s also a lie. I wish you never changed, I miss the times you would care about how I felt.
This month, December, is my worst year. I needed you most at this time, why did you make it harder for me, purposely? Remember when you got mad at me for playing with ___? Haha I was so sad you were ignoring me again and you admitted you didn’t wanna talk, I loved how overprotective you were acting, but why were you jealous about him when he treats me better than you? Why do I love you more than someone who treats me so much better?.
Wow, when I finished writing that, you checked my message. Dec 31 7:14. Opened. Let me guess, you’re gonna start apologizing “MY BAD MY MAD IM SO SORRY I GOT IN TROUBLE.”
And would you look at that, I wrote in my notes app:
Yup, just as a I thought, Jake: MB MY PARENTS TOOK MY PHONE. I sent this to him, all he had to say was he needed time alone and said “see u” when I said “byeee” what the hell. If I killed myself it wouldn’t be enough for this man..??? He doesn’t text me properly for almost a month and he needs TIME ALONE??? Ugh! Happy new years! I told him happy new years on 12 exactly and all he said was “thanks u to” and I said I was gonna become nicer and he said “cool” so I’m going to be straight up with him and ask if we are breaking up. I don’t wanna wait anymore t’il HE'S READY. All he said was no. Wth — His last words were; I love you so much, I'm sorry, I'll message you when i get the chance.
It’s safe to say, I really was going insane. He never texted me again in 8th grade after that—until, the summer before 9th grade. I remember how he asked if we could talk when I have time, he was in France by now by the way. I told him that I was surprised that I’m hearing him again, and said sure. All he had to say was, “I’m sorry for everything I did, I’m sorry for ghosting you and all, I was really going through it” I beg your pardon?
That’s all he wanted to talk about? Quickly, I respond with:
- you: No, Jake. I want to know what happend , why did you do that?
- Jake: I promise you, It was personal problems y/n
He was so stubborn, I know it wasn’t the reason, we would go through things but we’d go through them together—not the way he did it. But, i always saw the good in him, even in that moment, i wasn’t angry at him. When I was with him, he was amazing—so I always wanted to keep that image of him and not swifch up so quickly just because he ghosted me for practically a year now. But still, i had to do what I had to do so—I asked him the big question:
- You: you know, we never properly broke up, so, what is it? Do u still like me? You haven’t talked to me in forever, you’re supposed to answer this.
- Jake: you first
Not this again.
- you: Jake no. You’re the one who left so you’re the one who answers it.
- Jake: no no just please you first
- You: Jake. What do you want from me? opened.
There he goes again, that was for real the last message. I never heard from him again-
“next stop, _____ university” —
There’s the train—perfect timing.
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Today’s a weird day—maybe because it’s snowing, maybe because its the month he first started acting weird. Usually, you think of him before bed, not during the entire morning… You miss him, it’s been a while—You still wonder where he is now.
Sometimes, you wonder if you should drop out of university and become a famous model—maybe then he could recognise you and reach out.
You can barely remember his voice, you lost all my old videos from before you even started texting—those were the times you actually heard him speak, the rest was small talk and then completely no contact. Even when you guys were dating, you never spoke in real life—too scared and nervous.
You're finaly off the train—heading to class now, exams are coming up. You never got to experience it with Jake since he left to go to high-school in France, did I mention that already? You say to yourself. Actually, he had never removed his name from your school so when you had attendance on the first day of nineth grade, he was called in every single one of your classes. What a coincidence, you had never gotten in the same class for two years but then could’ve got all your first semester classes with him if he hadn’t left—what a way to play with your reason to live.
University isn’t like highschool anymore—it’s quieter, people are more focused on themselves than things that people have to say about eachother. You have a small group of friends that you met In highschool, you're glad you're still in touch despite how many years it’s been.
9:09am—huh??? Your class starts in a minute, shoot!
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You dont know why you rushed to get to class so quickly… it’s too boring, You're bout to fall asleep. As you were about to lay your head on the desk and doze off—you heard your professor mutter something a little interesting for once.
“Okay students, this doesn’t have to do with our major but the board entered my name to do a small project out of context. Today, and for the following month, there will be 15 people from this class and the class that starts in 2 hours who will travel abroad—more specifically to France-“
That’s all you needed to hear—you didn’t care about the rest, you heard France and knew that you were going to be participating in this activity. It’ll be fun, you say, i'll get to experience how Jake lived in France, you say. You say it all, with no intentions of actually meeting Jake. You just wanted to experience what he experienced, maybe it'd make you feel a little closer to him. Like always, you made everything in your life, about him. It’s like he was famous in your mind.
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You needed a break from your current place anyway, everything was all over the place, you felt as if you’ve been living the same days over and over again. Maybe this was an opportunity to change things a bit—get you out of your comfort zone.
You signed up so quickly to the program my teacher talked about a few days ago. You already found a roommate to stay with for the time you'll be staying there.
The guy you arranged to live with was a little bit younger than you, but you didn’t mind—you just needed a place to stay for a bit. You soon learned that he goes to the same university that you’ll be studying in, which is nice—you’ll have someone to help you around everything.
You’re counting the days until you leave—you called with the roommate and found out a few extra things about him. His name was ni-ki, he was also a foreigner except he’s permanently staying there. He’s in the same major as you and as you exchanged schedules, you saw that you guys had 2/4 classes together—that’s nice, already got a buddy to be with for half of your classes!
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You're now in France, heading to your apartment—ready to meet Ni-ki. Right before you can manage to knock, he opens the door—as if he was waiting for you by the door. "Hey," he speaks, his voice low and deep. He was tall and slim—it reminded you of Jake. You don't know how he looks like anymore, you haven't in a while. The last time you saw him, he was tall, above all the boys in your grade, you don't know anything about him anymore actually.
Before you could continue being lost in thought, Ni-ki speaks up once again. "How about you go get some rest, you look tired. You can tell me about your trip in the morning. Sounds good?" You nod, you were exhausted, the trip was long and you could barely close your eyes in the plane.
'Oh and, y/n, by the way, i'll invite some friends over for a bit, if that's alright with you?' 'yeah that's fine don't worry, I bet you i'll be so deep in sleep that I wouldn't even wake up if you guys bomb the place.' What a lie. You couldn't fall asleep at all.
right as you thought you were going to fall asleep, you heard the door burst open, the people Ni-ki invited finally arrived. You could hear like—five people? Oh wait—no—a sixth one—who.. Sounded a lot like—Jake.
You couldn't remember his voice but when you heard something like him—you just knew. What a great discovery, even if you were going to finally get some sleep—you definitely aren't now. You sat in the bed you were assigned to sleep in, listening to the boys downstairs chatting—the guy who sounded like Jake wasn't really talkative, maybe its not him—actually, you're sure its not him—you're just eavesdropping so that you could pretending that you're listening to Jake's voice.
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In the morning, Ni-ki had to wake you up for your class because you were still used to your old timezone. 'y/n... we have class in like 30 minutes...' 'Five more minutes... Get off of me, let me sleep!' 'I'll rip up all your clothes if you don't get up.' 'What? What! Okay, okay I'm up!'
You both ran to class, your apartment wasn't on campus but it was still close. You were introduced to the first two classes with Ni-ki by your side, you followed him everywhere for those first two periods—but now, you two next are alone—and you have no idea where to go.
Luckily, you spotted one of your teachers from your morning classes, they had to go fill out some papers and correct tests so they couldn't give you a tour of the school—but guided you to Ni-ki's class so that he could be excused out of his class and help you.
You walked into his class behind your teacher, not bothering to look at anyone to try and find him—too scared you'll make awkward eye contact with anyone who isn't him.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your lesson, Chanelle, but could we please steal your student Nishimura Riki for a period? We have a new foreign student who knows him and needs a tour of campus." Your teacher said to the one who was currently teaching Ni-ki's class. "Oh why of course, and don't apologise, i needed this few second break..." She responded. "Nishimura, get down here"
As she called him over, you follower her eyes—trying to spot Ni-ki. Then, you found him, laying back on a chair with his feet on the table, surrounded by 6 boys—probably the ones from yesterday.
'Hey ni-ki, whos that girl next to the teacher? You know her?' The purple haired boy asked. Just as you were going to smile and wave at him, your eyes spotted one of the boys who stood out a bit brighter than the rest—due to his immersive stare at you. Jake. There he was. Yes you haven't seen him in a while, but those eyes never change. it really was him—right infront of you. It was Jake.
You didn't utter a single word—turning quickly and just waiting for ni-ki to get down. You always imagined what you'd do when you saw him again—you just didn't expect it ever to be like this.
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In the afternoon, after both you and ni-ki got back to your apartment. You built up the courage to ask him, 'Hey, ni-ki, who were those boys you were with when I came into your class searching for you?' 'Oh them, those are my best friends. Heeseung, the purple haired one you heard, Jay, Sunghoon, Sunoo, Jungwon and Jake. We've been friends ever since i got here, but they've been childhood friends since they were little—except Jake, he came during highschool, but that's still a while ago! Y/n? Are you listening-' 'Yes! Yes! I am indeed!' 'Oh okay, well yeah. Actually, they're coming over again—i'll properly introduce you to them then!'
Excuse you? Coming over? Again? How many times do these boys come over? They just visited yesterday... "Again?" you spoke, voice a little lower than you hoped it'd be. "Yeah, they come over all the time, you'll love them, trust me!" He said, love filled in his eyes as he spoke about his friends—completely unaware of what you were currently thinking.
Minutes passed and suddenly, the doorbell rang. You instinctively froze, Ni-ki jogged to go get the door, leaving you in the living room alone, awkwardly waiting. "Guys, this is the girl from earlier, this is y/n, shes my roommate" One by one, they entered the room, you got up and kindly greeted all five of them—until it was turn for the sixth one who took a little longer to remove his coat after hearing ni-ki's words.
When it was Jake's turn, your heart sank, you looked at him from close up—he was different. His face had matured, his hair had thickened, He body looked a lot fuller and grown up than you last remember. A lot changed—but it was still so easy to tell it was him. Perfect nose, flawless face, the same eyes you fell in love with.
"Y/n?" Jake spoke, in a questioning tone, way lower than how he used to speak. You were surprised that he even said something, if you two were in 8th grade, he wouldn't even be able to look your way, head down as he walks past you to make it seem like he didn't see you—while you would stare at the lockers, the opposite direction of him. "Long time no see" was all you said, though your mind was saying alot more.
"You two know each other?" Jungwon asked as you both nodded. "What a small world!" Sunoo added.
The rest of the night was awkward, both you and Jake sneaking glances of each other, trying to admire everything that changed. We haven't seen each other in 10 years, It's normal. For a split second, you both had eye contact—his eyebrows lower than usual, his eyes in a weird shape, like if it was an apology.
He used to be so active, so energetic—but tonight, he was even quieter than when I heard him yesterday from upstairs.
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Sunghoon and Heeseung requested to watch a movie. You tried distracting yourself by helping Jay pick out snacks from the pantry, but his gaze was burning you, you could feel it no matter what you do. All of a sudden, ni-ki requested Jake to go grab some drinks. As he walked past you to the fridge he whispered, "Y/n, can we talk?"
It was starting to get late, each member leaving, keeping you and Jake alone. You didn't want to talk in the apartment with ni-ki so you both requested going outside the apartment, take a little walk as you talk.
It reminded you of when you went on that field trip, walking downtown with lights everywhere, as if you were in a movie, as if the world was only you and him, nothing else mattered. After minutes of silence, he broke it, Jake finally spoke.
- I didnt expect to you again. He said
- I didnt either.
- I wanted to apologise for everything, I know i said that the last time we spoke, but i really mean it this time. I know that whatever the reason was, I should've never acted that way.
- But Jake, how many times have we been through this before? Its been 10 years and yet you still say the same thing. I don't even know why I'm still here, listening to you say all of this, even after all the time that passed.
- I know I was always wrong, i know. My parents forced me okay? They didn't think I'd be able to focus on my education if I kept talking to you. My graders were dropping and they thought it was because of you when really it was because i was fooling around with my friends. I know you asked me if it was because of my parents and I said no but I was just so scared I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to disrespect my parents either and tell you that they were telling me to leave you.
As you were trying to find the words to respond to him, he continued.
- I know i was a jerk, and i dont expect you to forgive me so easily especially that im saying all of this so late, I didnt know if you would want to ever see my face again anyway. I needed to say this all because i cant keep it in anymore.
At this point, he’s sobbing, unable to even walk anymore—he just sat there, on the side of the road. His hands covering his face and trying to wipe his tears as fast as he face—now, avoiding your gaze at all times.
You’ve never seen him like this, he never cried, never spoke about his feelings, he never thought he should because he wanted to look strong all the time. “okay Jake, I forgive you, I forgave you a long time ago, just please, get up Jake. Let’s go to your place, I can’t leave you like this, please.” You pleaded, feeling sorry for him. You knew he had a kind heart deep down despite everything, your heart ached at the scene in front of you.
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You got to his place, helped him wash his face, his face flushed, embarrassed that he did all that after seeing you just once aft all those years. Everything was weird, despite the entire scene, everything was still unspoken, leaving plenty of things to discuss about.
As you sat him down on his couch, he said, "Y/n. I promise you for real this time, i'll tell you everything, I'll explain everything right now, I want to fix things even if it takes another 10 years to cure it all."
"Okay." you said, everything felt like the day you two confessed, explaining the unexplained, answering the questions you both were wondering about each other's actions back there.
Maybe it was going to take a while to get everything adjusted again, but you didn't mind, its not like you waited 10 years already, you know how to wait. None of that mattered right now, you were just relieved that finally—you have answers.
Maybe, it was worth it—having you famous in my mind.
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314 notes · View notes
tortillamastersblog · 2 months ago
Text
Back To You - Part 2 | Sam Carpenter
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Pairing: Sam Carpenter x reader
Warnings: mentions of violence, death, blood, injuries, and swearing
Summary: When Sam left after turning eighteen, you were devastated. You’d been in love with her since you were kids and her leaving meant you never got to tell her how you truly felt.
Fast forward a couple of years, Tara gets attacked and Sam returns. . .
Previous Part | Next Part | Masterlist
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Sam’s words die in the back of her throat when she sees me and for a moment we just stare at each other.
It’s been five years since we last saw each other, and even though I would still recognize her anywhere, she’s changed a lot.
She’s no longer a troubled teenager who relies on drugs and petty crime to feel good. No, she’s all grown up now, like me, and despite her tired and worry filled eyes she looks healthy. She looks good in her green jacket and with her hair up in a claw clip.
A wave of bitterness washes over me and I have half a mind to turn back around and walk out of the room again.
She came back for Tara, but she didn’t come back for me when I needed her the most.
I know it’s unfair to compare the two situations, I wasn’t attacked by a psycho, but I did almost die along with my parents.
“Y/N.” Her voice is soft, unlike the last time I heard it when she screamed at me to stop calling her.
I swallow harshly and try to keep any emotions off my face. “Hello, Sam.”
The twins share a confused look, and Wes and Amber watch Tara to see how she’s reacting to this unexpected reunion.
“You’re hurt.” She gets up from my chair next to the bed and takes a hesitant step toward me. “Tara said you were stabbed saving her.” I nod and when she takes another step forward, I instinctively take a step back. She freezes and something like hurt flits across her face.
It makes my insides clench up because I never thought I’d ever be the reason for that look on her face, but then again, she’s hurt me so much in the past, I think stepping back because I don’t want to be hugged or touched by her seems like a normal reaction.
She goes to say something, her brown eyes soft and pleading, but then the door opens and in steps a guy I don’t recognize.
“Sam do you want anything from the— Oh, hello,” he smiles when he sees me, oblivious to the tension in the room. “I don’t believe we’ve met yet. I’m Richie, Sam’s boyfriend.”
My heart drops. Boyfriend. Right.
I force myself not to look at Sam and shake his hand when he offers it to me. “Y/N. I’m. . .” Sam’s best friend? No, not anymore. “I’m Tara’s friend.”
His smile brightens and he says, “Ah yes, you’re the one who saved her, right?”
“Yeah, that’s me,” I say quietly, shifting my arm in the sling.
“It’s nice to meet you,” he continues. “What you did is very impressive. Not many people would have tackled a psychotic killer with a knife.”
My gaze darts to Sam for a split second. She’s sat back down next to Tara again, but her eyes haven’t left me. There’s now a guilty look on her face and when she realizes I’m looking at her, she quickly averts her eyes and buries her hands in her lap.
“Yes, well, it’s not like I had a choice,” I snap. I acted because I knew if I didn’t, Tara would get killed. I didn’t do it to come off as braver or heroic, and something about being praised for it rubs me the wrong way.
Richie’s eyes widen and he quickly tries to back-pedal. “No, of course not. I understand. I’m just saying—“
I clench my jaw and lift a hand to stop him “Save it. I don’t care.”
Technically, he’s done nothing wrong, but I already don’t like him and it’s not because he’s Sam’s boyfriend. No, that’s not the reason. Not at all.
“Y/N!”
Oh hell no.
“What, Sam?” I ask, pinning her down with a challenging glare.
She flinches and frowns. I’ve never, never, talked to her like this before.
“I—“
She’s once again interrupted just like when Richie entered the room. This time, however, it’s by Amber who speaks up with a sheepish smile on her face. “Guys, Tara is really tired. Maybe we should give her some space.”
I stop glaring at Sam and look at Tara. She does look pretty tired. Her eyes are glassy and it looks like every breath she takes is exhausting.
The twins and Wes agree, leaving with Amber after Amber gives Tara a hug. Sam gets up as well, but Tara asks her to stay and since I promised I wouldn’t leave until Ghostface is caught, I stay as well.
Richie looks back and forth between Sam and me, now no longer oblivious to the tension, before taking a seat on the chair in the corner.
Of course he’s staying, too. For fuck’s sake. . .
“Y/N?”
“Yeah?” I ignore Sam who’s once again looking at me, and focus on Tara.
“Do you still have my inhaler?” she asks and I shake my head.
“No, I’m sorry. I dropped it in your driveway, but I can go and get it if you want,” I offer.
No matter what terms Sam and I are on, I know she won’t let anything happen to Tara if I’m not here, and if Tara wants me to go and get it, I’ll go.
Leaving will also give them a chance to catch up properly and while I’m out, I can go home and take a quick shower.
There’s still some dried blood in my hair that I want to get rid of and I’m itching to get out of the shirt the hospital gave me after they cut mine off me.
“Please. . .”
I smile reassuringly and squeeze Tara’s uninjured leg over the comforter. “Okay. I’ll be back soon.” My face hardens and I look at Sam, shooting her a pointed look.
You better keep her safe. . .
She nods and straightens up a little. I turn and leave before she can try and start another conversation. On my way out, I spare one last glance at Richie who smiles tentatively and waves.
Moron.
Eleven years ago
I jump on my bed, face first, and groan into the pillow. Today’s been a long day.
I didn’t have school because we’re on winter break, but hockey practice is still being held and today’s practice was particularly long and grueling.
My dad even laughed at how tired I looked after picking me up, and my mom made sure I had an extra large serving of dinner.
Now, I just want to sleep. I’ve eaten and showered, and I’m too tired to watch a movie on my laptop like I normally would. So, I wiggle around in an attempt to get under the comforter without getting up.
A moment later though, I stop at the familiar sound of someone tapping on my window. There’s only one person who climbs the tree outside my window to sneak into my room.
“It’s open,” I mumble with a smile on my face. I don’t bother getting up, or even turning around because I know she’ll join me on the bed in a few seconds anyway.
The window slides open and there’s some shuffling before her feet land on my floor. She shuts the window again, and my smile widens because any moment now she’ll jump on the bed.
I wait, and wait, but nothing happens.
“Sam?”
No answer.
My smile dims and when I hear a sniffle, I frown. I finally turn around and the sight that greets me makes me curse myself for not turning around earlier.
Standing in the middle of my room in nothing but a tank top and sweatpants is Sam. She’s shivering and has goosebumps all over her body, but that’s not what concerns me the most. No, what concerns me the most are the tears that are streaming down her face.
“Sam?” Alarmed, I shuffle off the bed and cup her cheeks, forcing her to look at me. “What’s wrong?”
Her brown eyes are red rimmed and her bottom lip quivers. Once again though, she doesn’t answer. Instead, she rushes forward and wraps her arms around my waist.
“Hey. . .” I return the hug and bring one hand up to the back of her head when she pushes her face against the side of my neck. “What’s wrong?”
She still doesn’t answer, so I figure she doesn’t want to talk about it.
What going on? Did she have a fight with Tara, or her mom?
We continue hugging without saying anything, just basking in each other’s company until Sam starts shivering.
“Sammy,” I try to break our hug, but she whines and claws at my back to keep me close. “You’re freezing.”
“I don’t care,” she whispers, and the defeat in her voices makes my heart hurt.
“But I do,” I argue softly, reaching behind me to unclasp her arms from around me. “Here, take this.” I take off my hoodie and slip it over her head. “There, much better.” I make sure it fits properly, un-bunching the bottom and fidgeting with the too-long sleeves before pulling her over to the bed.
She wordlessly slips under the covers and drags me down with her, cuddling up to me as soon as I’m within reach.
She stopped crying a while ago, but she’s obviously still feeling vulnerable, so I pull her closer and run my hand up and down her back.
This isn’t the first time we’ve found ourselves in this position, but it feels different than any other times before. Something has changed and I have yet to find out what it is.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep because the next time I open my eyes, it’s seven in the morning. I stretch and turn to maybe get some more sleep, but then I realize the bed next to me is empty.
“Sam?” I ask, but Sam is gone. The window is open and the spot next to me is still warm, so it can’t have been long since she left.
Present
I step out of the elevator and greet Deputy Vinson and a nurse who are chatting at the nurses’ station.
They nod and smile in greeting before getting back to their conversation, and I make my way to Tara’s room.
I feel much better now, having showered and changed into a new set of clothes. I took a cab from the hospital to Tara’s, grabbed her inhaler, and then drove my car back to my own apartment.
I also called Liam and Paige, updating them on the situation and telling them about Sam’s unexpected appearance.
They know how I felt about her in high school since the three of us have been friends since middle school. They offered to come to the hospital and act as a kind of buffer between Sam and me, but I obviously declined.
I’m more than capable of dealing with Sam’s presence, even if dealing with it is simply ignoring her or interacting with her as little as possible. She broke my heart a long time ago and even though I’d be lying if I said I was over it, I know it’s best to just stay away from her.
Someone rounding the corner and crashing into me at full speed rips me out of my thoughts. I stumble slightly and grasp at the wall to stop us from going down together.
“Hey! Watch where—“ Crap. So much for staying away.
My mouth snaps shut when I realize who ran into me, and then my eyes widen when I see the panicked look on her face.
“What’s going on?”
Sam clings to me and tries to push me back, away from where she just came from, and for a moment all the hurt, anger, and despair she’s caused is forgotten.
“Somebody tried to kill me in the break room!” she cries and without thinking, I wrap my arm that is not in the sling around her and pull her closer.
“What?!”
Our shouting alerts Deputy Vinson, who comes running over with his gun in hand.
“In the break room you say?” he asks, and Sam nods frantically. Without another word, he dashes off, gun raised and shoulders tense.
“Are you hurt?” I ask, breathless even though Sam’s the one who literally just fought off the killer. Her panicked eyes dart around the place, still sensing danger in every shadow, so I tighten my grip on her and repeat myself. “Sam, are you hurt?”
She finally looks at me and shakes her head, panting. “N-No, I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?” I look her over but she seems to be telling the truth because I can’t spot anything amiss except maybe her disheveled hair which is no longer in its claw clip. She’s also taken her jacket off and is now only wearing a white t shirt.
She nods again which causes a few strands of hair to fall in her face. I instinctively reach up and tuck a piece behind her ear only to freeze a heartbeat later when my knuckles brush against her cheek.
What am I doing?
Sam is frozen as well and her brown eyes are darting all over my face, a storm of emotions raging in their depths.
I clear my throat and blink rapidly, stepping back. It makes her hands drop off my chest and I hate how I miss the warmth of her palms through my sweater.
“Y/N. . .”
“Sam!” Richie comes rushing around the corner and when he spots us he’s quick to pull Sam into a hug. “Oh my God, are you okay? Deputy Vinson just told me what happened.”
“I— Yeah, I’m okay.” Sam eyes linger on me and for a moment an emotion I can’t quite pinpoint flickers across her face. Then, however, she turns her attention to Richie and I look away when she lets him kiss her softly.
“Good. I was so worried,” he mumbles and if the kiss wasn’t too much for me already, his sickeningly sweet tone definitely is. I clench my jaw and brush past them, absolutely hating the hurt that settles on my chest and makes it hard for me to breathe.
Focus, Y/N. Tara needs you.
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This one’s a little bit shorter than the last, but I had to get some of the backstory stuff out of the way before the story picks up properly.
(Not proofread yet)
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alltimefail · 7 months ago
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Okay I'm on my 5th rewatch of Dead Boy Detectives and I have to know if anyone else finds it funny (and a little bit maddening) that in episode 6 when Monty needs help finding his fake ghost friend Gladys it's CHARLES who dismisses him immediately?
Like... they go so far as to make a point of showing us multiple reactions to his dismissal. First Crystal, who has no reason to believe the boys will turn down Monty's case due to Edwin's assumed crush and Charles' people-pleasing nature. She agrees to the case quickly because it's the perfect distraction for the boys and will buy her time to get her powers back... but then, to her shock, Charles turns down the case!! Charles who is all about gentleness and "Bedside manner," who cares deeply about being a "Good guy" and about being liked, the guy plagued with worry about how he is perceived by others and who never wants to disappoint anyone, the guy who is suuuuuper sentimental, protective, has a strong sense of justice, and is notably dedicated to protecting his friends and helping the people he cares about at quite literally any cost.
Even Monty is surprised, too!! It's clear that Monty anticipates Edwin's lingering guilt and old-fashioned sensibilities regarding decorum and conflict avoidance to be enough motivation for him to take on the case, that Edwin would agree just to avoid adding any more animosity or awkward tension to an already delicate situation. Monty had to know, going in, that he really only had to get through to Charles (who he admittedly had neglected in the past and been cold to in previous interactions due to his crush on Edwin). Considering Charles' easy-going nature, this should have been quite easy as Edwin is a much harder person to win over, whereas Charles is quick to see the good in others!! That's why he compliments Charles (despite the sentiment being disingenuous) and contrives a story that, knowing what we all know about the boys by this point, should have struck an emotional chord for Charles especially... BUT IT DOESN'T which is like... very weird!!! It's normal for Edwin to act logically, to put facts over feelings, to "play hardball" as Charles puts it in episode 1. But Charles is emotional, he's compassionate, he's impulsive more times than not, so this is notably weird behavior for Charles!!
BUT THEN it gets even better because Charles is immediately like, "Edwin, you know what I'm saying, right?" He throws the ball to Edwin, expecting Edwin to agree with him - a reasonable expectation as, again, Edwin is the logical one - but then Edwin doesn't agree, he sides with the girls instead and takes on the case for, what we can only assume is an unknown/indiscernible reason to Charles. (Remember, Charles has no clue that Edwin already turned Monty down, and we know he thinks that Edwin has a little crush on Monty at this point as well!!) Charles doesn't push the issue, but it's clear he's not particularly happy... it's hard to nail down what exactly he's feeling (we can't read his mind) but he's clearly feeling some type of way. You can tell by his silence, by the tense, tight-jaw frown and his eyes wandering to the floor that he must have been expecting a different outcome. It felt like he asked Edwin in a way that felt more like he was testing something, like he was hoping for a certain outcome...but WHY???
Well, let's acknowledge the context in which this strange interaction happens. In the same episode we see Charles:
Note how weird/off everyone is behaving specifically after Edwin is awkward with Monty on the roof.
Checking Edwin out, up and down, after Niko tells him he looks good (This is an irrefutable conclusion as he openly comments on Edwin's change of clothes later, so like... he noticed lmao)
Acting colder than he previously has to Monty by the time they get to the tall forest, despite the possibility that Monty may have lost his friend who comforted him after his own near-death experience. (This happens after Edwin agrees to take on the case, btw. Even when Crystal points out that there's an issue between Monty and Edwin, Charles makes no move to inquire, to "fix" it, or to be especially gentle as he normally might.)
Boldly and instinctively reach for Edwin's hand while making pointed, emotional eye contact as a "last act" during their near "death" experience.
And that's not even everything!!! So like... yeah, sure, it could be nothing. It could mean nothing. Allll of this could just be coincidental. Maybe Charles was being logical and responsible for once, maybe he really did just feel like they were already too busy to take on an extra case.
OR, more likely in my personal opinion, HE WAS JEALOUS AS FUCK!!! We know, based on their interaction at the end of the episode, that Charles has always had at least some idea that Edwin is not straight. We know that everyone is convinced Edwin has a crush on Monty. We know that Charles, after meeting Monty for the first time, has an expression of disdain on his face while watching Monty and Edwin interact (when Monty is showing Edwin his astrology chart). We even know that, following this interaction, Charles is frazzled/irritated when he fails to get Edwin's attention away from Monty's astrology book (clearly upset that Edwin's attention is occupied elsewhere and suddenly eager to remind Edwin that the goal is to leave Port Townsend with haste). Monty aside, we're not even getting into the protective and emotional response Charles has at the mere mention of the damn Cat King...
SOOOO TLDR; I've watched this show every day, and the more I watch it the less I can be convinced that Charles is not jealous AF and stupidly, deeply in love with Edwin...even if he isn't aware of it yet. I have no idea why so many people think Charles has 0 romantic interest in Edwin and that he "turned Edwin down completely" on the stairs to hell... because that's simply just not what happened lmao. Seeing the word "queerbait" being attached to these two is giving me whiplash... like that's just not what's happening here. That's not the proper interpretation of the nature of their relationship. I don't think there is any possibility, not a chance in hell, that Charles will not reciprocate Edwin's romantic feelings because he quite literally already does and just doesn't know it yet. There's no other way to interpret the acting choices made (which are brilliant) and the writing choices (which are also brilliant).
Anyway, hopefully that made sense. I just needed to share because I am gnawing at the bars of my enclosure going absolutely batshit over this show! 😇
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meanbossart · 10 months ago
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What is it about Astarion that DU Drow fell for? Which traits/habits/quirks/whatever were the ones that he first noticed/piqued his interest?
Oh boy, I mean, at first DU Drow didn't care for Astarion at all. He was extremely on edge around all of these people and Astarion's rather invasive strategy only put him off further - his insight checks may be awful, but he can still tell when someone is trying to suck up to him a little too hard. DU drow thought he was attractive, of course (see.: the narrator's comment about the quote-on-quote pretty corpse) but otherwise didn't think very much of, or very highly of him.
Once he got his confidence back, and after Astarion caught onto the fact that he needed to play hard to get to string him along, there would have been a little while where DU drow only saw him in the context of a trophy or conquest - but admittedly, he also thought Astarion was funny, and he thought he was smart - even someone as dense as him could see that the guy had read him perfectly, and proceeded to adapt as necessary to get what he wanted out of him - and DU drow fell right into it, willingly so. There would have been some mutual respect there between them from understanding each other's games.
Their ritual of letting Astarion bite him definitely planted a little seed of something too. I've talked about it plenty of times so I won't dwell on it, but DU drow enjoys the intimacy implied in allowing someone to hurt him. This was far from an emotional turning point in the relationship, but it did prompt him to start seeing Astarion differently (not better or worse - just differently.)
(I'm a little drunk and went on and on, enjoy LOL)
Then, after one or two intimate encounters, the Urge would have started taking too much of a toll - violent lust turned into lustful violence, and hence DU drow didn't want to have sex anymore out of a fear of losing control during the act; yet, he had learned to trust Astarion by then and would seek out his comfort and companionship all the same. Faced with the situation where sex is no longer an option, I imagine Astarion would have been caught off guard and let the mask slip more often than usual. Pair that with the fact that DU Drow is a surprisingly affectionate (in private) but highly withdrawn person, left him in the role of leading their exchanges. Astarion, I think, would have felt the need to talk; if for no other reason but to fill the air whenever they were alone together. Eventually DU Drow would have started talking back.
These were long nights of just looking up at the sky and going through things that happened that day, what led them here, what the companions are doing, talking shit about whats-his-or-her-name, often just straight up gossip. Astarion eventually realized he could say whatever he damn pleased in front of DU Drow and nothing seemed to phase him, and vice-versa. DU drow enjoyed his bluntness, his earnest impulsivity that matched his own, he laughed at his jokes (as well as some things that weren't meant as jokes) he enjoyed his teasing and his reactions when he said something putrid in return, he liked the way he smelled when he was clean and he liked his stink when he was filthy, he watched him fidget with his own clothes and hair until Astarion gave him a weird look and aggressively asked what he was staring at. He enjoyed when Astarion got angry at something he said, because it felt very genuine - and he didn't use to think of him as a very genuine person.
Astarion was the first to notice something was wrong with him - so DU drow felt comfortable talking about it openly. On the other hand, DU drow never pressed Astarion about his past unprompted - instead just letting him talk about it if he so wished and without trying to milk it for more details when he did choose to do so. Because they spoke a similar language of violence and operated under the same hedonist-based beliefs, it was easy to talk to each other even when there was friction between them - similarly, they were both always willing to move past and quickly "forget" when someone said something truly hurtful.
I don't know if there was a key moment where he realized this had turned into love; that was probably a word DU Drow dropped quite unabashedly sometime after they got to Baldur's Gate, and before they faced-off with Cazador (to no reciprocation or acknowledgment then, not that he minded). But sometime during act 3, DU drow simply assumed that after this was all over they would still stick together.
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rotisserory · 9 months ago
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Reo Mikage is Actually Great BPD Representation- Some Thoughts
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So I had the extremely unfortunate experience of being exposed to Blue Lock (unfortunate because it's all my tiny pea brain can think about now), and while it is absolutely full of silly guys whose brains I want to pick, this little bugger really stood out to me. The second he came onto the screen, I KNEW I smelled the borderline on him. As I watched the series and read the manga, I noticed he is actually an incredibly well-written depiction of someone struggling with BPD. Reo is a super layered character and my favorite hobby is picking apart those layers and yapping incessantly about them, so here we are. I want to write this analysis for a few reasons:
1.) Too many people misunderstand Reo and categorize him as dramatic or childish without any elaboration and he deserves a proper character deep-dive. I think him being borderline explains a LOT of his reactions/choices throughout the story.
2.) Borderline representation is extremely important to me. I'm diagnosed borderline and have struggled with this disorder for around ten years now, so I get really excited when I spy BPD-coded characters (especially if they're likable people and not just ghoulish irredeemable villains or manic pixie dream girl characters). This disorder can be so isolating, especially when the majority of people will never even bother to research or understand it. I know that some people like to chalk Reo's emotional reactions up to him being a moody 17-year-old, but I think I have enough evidence to prove that this is undiagnosed BPD that's festering in his noggin. Not to mention, literally nobody else acts like this in the series. Reo is incredibly unique and distinct in the way he behaves through this narrative and I think it's way past the point of normal teenage angst. Regardless, believe what you want. He'll always be my borderline princess tho <3
3.) I have a master's degree in English and what good is that if I don't write long, painful, pointless essays on anime guys? Not that this is exceptionally well written, I just like to laugh at myself for getting a whole M.A and then this is the shit I publish online lmao
By the end of this, I hope I can shed some light on wtf is going on inside of Reo's silly little head. (I'm also obviously not a psychologist, don't use any of this to diagnose yourself pls I don't need the scandal)
If you want to read, buckle up, because this is gonna be a long one!
First, let me define BPD- It's a personality disorder characterized by a long-standing pattern of instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, and self-image. At its core, it is a disorder categorized by emotional dysregulation (the inability to regulate one's emotional responses) People with BPD feel everything EXTREMELY hard. That's important to keep in mind IMO, because while their reactions may seem dramatic or extreme, what they're feeling IS dramatic and extreme. Everything they're feeling is amplified, so their reactions are amplified. Obviously from the outside, people assume it's an overreaction since they can't see what's going on inside the borderline's head. When you sit down and dissect the thought process of someone like Reo, it becomes a lot easier to understand why they react the way that they do to certain situations.
(Also, I'm not going to reiterate more than once that an explanation is not an excuse to treat people poorly. I cannot read ANYTHING on BPD without hearing every 2 minutes how the disorder isn't an excuse to hurt other people. We get it!! I'm explaining it, not excusing it. This enter essay is an analysis of why someone acts the way they do, not whether or not it's excusable)
So then, what behaviors/signs does somebody need to exhibit to receive a borderline diagnosis? The 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD are as follows:
1. Fear of abandonment
2. Unstable or changing relationships
3. Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4. Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors
5. Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6. Varied or random mood swings
7. Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8. Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9. Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
Someone would only need 5 of these to receive a proper diagnosis. Just with the main story and the spin-off manga that is currently released, I think I have enough evidence to argue that Reo has 8 out of 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis. For the sake of organization, I’m gonna group some of those together though, indicated by a + symbol. I also want to define a few important terms before I start yapping, so that y'all without BPD can understand wtf I'm even talking about.
Favorite Person (fp) - This is someone who holds massive significance in a borderline's life. They emotionally depend on this person a lot and to a certain extent, their worldview almost revolves around them.
Splitting- the change in perception of someone or something caused by black-or-white thinking or dichotomous thinking. It is the devaluation of someone who was once idealized and vice versa.
Mirroring (aka: the chameleon effect)- the constant, unconscious change in one's identity or sense of self by imitating another person’s behaviors, characteristics, or traits. It is common in people who have a vacant or distorted self-image which is a general symptom of BPD.
Now, time for me to break down the most prominent moments where Reo showcases borderline behavior. As I mentioned, I'm going to try and organize this under each criteria point (with some being grouped together)
Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self:
Before I delve into Reo's relationships, I want to start with his baseline sense of identity. It’s established early on that Reo is a very bored, empty, unsatisfied person. Nothing excites him, nothing motivates him, and everything is handed to him. He’s frustrated because his parents notoriously try and buy his affection even though he doesn't want anything. For most of his life up until the narrative starts, he's wandering through life empty and frustrated. That is, until he finally sets his sights on soccer and decides to dedicate his life to winning the World Cup:
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The wording, 'proves my existence' is interesting here. I think this is the first instance Reo has felt alive. So far, the only notable thing about him has been his family and his money. He hasn't achieved anything exceptional for himself, but now he has that opportunity. With this goal, he can really build something up from nothing and make it his own. It's almost like he's clinging to this dream to prove that he has some purpose in his life other than being the family heir.
Now, this dream changes when he meets Nagi, of course. I'm not gonna focus too much on their relationship in this section, but I will mention that meeting Nagi shifted Reo's entire dream, and not for the better. Through the narrative, his dream went from:
Winning the World Cup
Winning the World Cup with Nagi
Proving to Nagi that leaving him behind was a mistake
Improving himself and becoming a good striker on his own
Being a tool for Nagi to become the best striker
Had Nagi not come in and ask for Reo to come back to him, I think Reo could have done a great job at establishing his own sense of identity without Nagi. But no matter how much he works on himself, with Nagi in the picture, he's never going to value himself more than Nagi. Reo lets Nagi cloud his identity to the point where Isagi calls him out and asks what he's even doing at Blue Lock in the first place, since he clearly can't survive on his own, he needs Nagi with him.
After dealing with the turmoil of being abandoned by Nagi, Reo goes through a few stages. He starts with wanting to become somebody worthy of being beside Nagi, somebody that Nagi would want to choose. Devoting himself to becoming stronger and more versatile, his end goal is to have Nagi realize he made a mistake by leaving him behind. After a few more matches, Reo starts to realize that he needs to grow and change and become a stronger, better version of himself for himself and not for other people.
He decides that the fight was all his fault to begin with, that he should have never forced Nagi to play soccer and now he is going to get back to what his dream was originally, combined with his new desire to be a stand-alone player (and person, for that matter). Reo accepts the mistakes that he made, admits that he shouldn't have forced his ideals onto Nagi, and resolves to become a better person for HIMSELF. That's excellent!
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Of course, Reo can't be happy for TOO long. Nagi comes out of the woodwork saying that he can't beat Isagi on his own and asks for Reo's help. Reo does stand up for himself a bit, saying that Nagi is being inconsiderate of his feelings and mentioning how long it took for him to recover from Nagi leaving. Now, the BPD trait here is how Reo not only forgives Nagi and is jumping on him and hugging him THE NEXT PAGE, but he also just disregards everything he said in this sequence. In a matter of two minutes, he no longer wants to be a player that can fight on his own or improve for himself, he wants to improve for Nagi. He starts ruminating again about how hurt he was when Nagi left, but now he's saying all of it wasn't so that he could get stronger individually, it was so that he could be reunited with Nagi again. Nagi asking for his help and saying that now they can play together again motivate Reo more than anything we've seen so far. (Nagi notoriously throws Reo little affection crumbs like this that Reo eats up, but I'm not trying focus on that) Now, Reo's alright with being a tool for Nagi's success again. Everything that happened was supposed to make him stronger so he could be a better partner to Nagi, right? Reo also says as the chapter ends, to please let him be a part of Nagi's dream until Nagi becomes the world's best striker. That's literally so sad!
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He's also immediately back to the 'our' 'we' 'us' talk as well. If he can master his chameleon style in order to keep Nagi above the rest of the players, he wont get left behind again. If he devotes his time and energy into being a solo striker like the rest of these guys, Reo knows that he wont be able to keep up. This was always supposed to be his role, right? Building Nagi up to his full potential! :*)
I also like the detail that Reo is back to hugging Nagi and holding him, but Nagi never really touches him back. I think Reo's love language is touch for sure, not that it's incredibly relevant, but I do think it shows that Reo is back to being 100% comfortable around Nagi as if their fight never happened. I hear a lot of fans asking how Reo could have forgiven Nagi so easily, and I say this with my entire chest, it's the BPD. The black-and-white thinking combined with Nagi being Reo's fp and the excruciating pain of being abandoned by him in the first place ?? Of course he's going to take him back. Also, I've seen people blame Reo for not saying no to Nagi when he asks for help and I have to say that is an absolutely insane take. How are we gonna look at a panel where Nagi asks for help and then blame Reo for helping him?? I'm not going to focus on it too much in this post but in my opinion, it is crazy how little accountability both the narrative + fans give Nagi. Reo is pegged as responsible for both of their downfalls and it's nuts tbh.
Currently in the story, I think Reo's identity is still centered around Nagi. It's really easy for borderlines to structure their entire lives and personalities around their favorite person, but I can only hope that these two keep having open and honest discussions with one another. Hopefully, Reo will eventually learn that he can exist without Nagi and that he's more than just 'his arms and legs'.
Unstable or Changing Relationships:
The most notable relationship in Reo's life is Nagi. They're both each other's first real friends, which already sets up a less-than-ideal dynamic. Nagi has no idea how to communicate and he has pretty weak emotional intelligence. On the other hand, Reo is great at communicating, but he isn't used to regulating his emotions. For a lot of borderlines, they can go a very long time without experiencing any symptoms when they don't have a favorite person. When you think about it, the bulk of the disorder is shown through those interactions with other people. If Reo has never had a real friend in his life, I don't think he'd be used to the emotional turmoil that comes with having a fp.
The minute Reo meets Nagi, he's attached. All his classmates notice it, too. They question why Reo is suddenly so obsessed with this random kid who has no interest in him. Reo is ignoring everybody that isnt Nagi.
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Very quickly, Reo boils down his view of the world to being him and Nagi versus everybody else, and he makes that very clear. It also depicts something that I think is incredibly crucial to Reo’s character that a lot of people overlook; as Nagi develops to be Reo’s favorite person, Reo’s dream isnt ‘playing soccer’ anymore. It’s Nagi. It’s being with Nagi, playing soccer with Nagi, being useful to Nagi, taking care of Nagi, and being somebody important to Nagi. He doesnt teach Nagi the rules or how to actually play, he teaches Nagi how to play with him. He literally re-writes and re-structures the game so that it can center around him and Nagi. Nagi calls him out on this in the spin-off manga:
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Reo doesnt care about the structure of the game, he cares about Nagi. The other people on the field don't matter. The other team doesn't matter. He also starts to unknowingly put Nagi up on a pedestal, which is another borderline trait. He starts reiterating that Nagi is special, he's different from everybody else, he's destined to achieve great things. The more he raises Nagi up, the more he isolates the two of them in his mind, reiterating the idea that it's them against everybody else. His language reflects this too: Reo exclusively talks with 'us' 'we' 'our', insinuating that they're going to do everything together.
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When Ego says that there can't be two winners, Reo says that he'll make Nagi the best striker. His 'ego' will be making Nagi successful. Along with putting Nagi on this pedestal, Reo also very early on establishes the fact that he'd pick Nagi over himself any day of the week. He's the only person in Blue Lock who really couldn't care less about becoming a striker himself: his dream is to be a tool in Nagi's success. Or, in simpler terms, he wants to be useful and make Nagi happy.
These two were in trouble from the very beginning. Nagi is lazy as all hell, has 0 motivation to do anything, and his dream is to live a life of luxury and never have to work. Reo, being the borderline baddie that he is, is more than happy to do EVERYTHING for Nagi. Borderlines love extremely hard! It's one of our best traits and I think it's important to showcase that Reo is a massive sweetheart at his core. He clearly loves Nagi a lot and goes to extreme lengths to make sure he feels taken care of. To someone with BPD, NOTHING is too big of an ask for a person they love, especially if that person is their fp. I also disagree with the argument that Reo 'made' Nagi codependent. Nagi likes being taken care of, he says it all the time. If you ask me, I would actually argue that Nagi takes advantage of Reo a little bit because he knows that Reo will do anything for him. But regardless, I think that Reo starts to develop an unspoken expectation with Nagi that he'll provide him with everything he needs, and in turn, Nagi will stick around. I don't think he's doing this intentionally, nor do I think it's being done in a manipulative way. I just think that Reo has a dormant fear of being abandoned that he doesn't totally know he has yet.
It isn't just Nagi that Reo showcases having unstable relationships with, though. Zantetsu is another good example. Reo starts out disliking Zantetsu, he snaps at him a couple times, and calls him a moron more than once. He starts to warm up to him because Nagi tells him to. The favorite person has MASSIVE sway in the borderline's life. If Nagi likes someone, Reo likes them too. (This is, of course, on the condition that they aren't a threat, looking at you Isagi).
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In the immediate next chapter, Reo is acting like they're all best friends. He's climbing on top of them in their big bed, saying that the three of them are gonna win their matches, being a little pookie. He goes from not liking this guy at all to considering him one of his close friends super fast. Also on the topic of Isagi, when they're making up the teams for the second selection, Nagi doesn't initially want to tell Reo that he wants Isagi on their team bc he's worried Reo will be upset. But, when he does finally say it, Reo is literally fine with it because like I said, who Nagi likes, Reo likes! On the condition that they don't replace Reo, which clearly happened soon after.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, Reo also shows how he can go from loving someone to despising him very quickly. After Chigiri and Kunigami tell him to get back up in the game post-Nagi's abandonment, we can literally see the switch flip in Reo's head:
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Suddenly, he hates Nagi. Nagi's a jerk who abandoned him; he never cared about him, and he threw him away. Dude literally says "Let's kill the bastards that betrayed us". This act of unintentional devaluing is called splitting. What Reo's essentially doing is going from one extreme to the other: if Nagi isn't his perfect treasure, he's the devil that broke his heart. There's no room for a grey area. The reasoning behind borderline's developing this black-and-white mindset is rooted in self-defense. If Reo devalues Nagi into being nothing more than a traitor, then he's stripping away the power that Nagi has to hurt him. If he looks at him like a rival or a villain, it's protecting him from being hurt by Nagi again.
That doesn't mean that he genuinely believes any of this, more so, he's trying to convince himself that it's true. We see that at his core, the reason he's acting like this is because he's hurt. I'll go more into it later on, but he's constantly thinking, what does Isagi have that I don't? What do I have to do in order to win Nagi back? This black-and-white thinking is an automatic self-defense mechanism that I think he's doing subconsciously. Regardless, the shifting he's doing here can cause a little whiplash, which brings me to:
Varied or random mood swings + Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights:
I can’t think of a better way to describe Reo's temperament than the wiki, so let me quote it: "Generally, he seems to feel every emotion with full force and is extremely aware of his own faults and shortcomings, which is evident in several instances of painful breakdowns shown in the spin-off manga. Due to his high emotionality, he can even get violent when he loses his temper."
Reo is characterized as being emotionally unstable. When he's happy, he's elated! When he's sad, he's miserable. There are a ton of scenes between the manga and spin-off manga that show how fast his emotions can flip, but this one was one of my personal favorites:
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In this scene, Reo has developed a little scheme in the dining hall where the guys are trading their side dishes. At face value, a throwaway moment. But, I think it's worth looking at because not only does this show Reo's emotional response being triggered in an opposite, semi-extreme direction, but the root cause for the reaction was that he felt rejected by Zantetsu. In his own weird way, he's asking Zantetsu to come over and hang out with him. He's not being exceptionally clear with that message, but I can still pick up on it. "You wanna join in, don't you?" He's extending the invite, making himself vulnerable, and Zantetsu shoots him down by saying nah, I'm fine with my noodles. Reo JUMPS on him like YOU KNOW WHAT? I TOOK THAT PERSONALLY! lol. Jokes aside, I think this moment is a great one to argue Reo's BPD tendencies because it's such a seemingly mundane interaction. Even Zantetsu is surprised by Reo's random outburst. This also sets up the fact that one of Reo's most obvious triggers is being rejected/abandoned/betrayed, an extremely common one between those of us with BPD.
Other instances of Reo having a bad temper are a lot more obvious. In the match against teams V and Z, Reo straight up elbows Raichi in the throat, and then tries to go throw hands with Kuon for hurting Nagi. He only stops because if he gets into any more fights, he’ll get thrown out of the game and won't be able to play with Nagi anymore. He’s visibly pissed though and calls Team Z a joke. Hell, even Reo himself can recognize on a certain level that he can't control his emotions: they control him. They cloud his judgment and make him react in ways that he wish he didn't.
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He is constantly plagued by these extreme emotional reactions that are out of his control. Not to say that people with BPD are unable to ever control their emotions, because we can! It takes time and therapy and practice though, which Reo hasn't had. His lack of regulation is also why he has such a dramatic and extreme meltdown when Nagi abandons him.
Fear of Abandonment:
Reo's biggest trigger and the cause of his inner turmoil throughout Blue Lock is his fear of abandonment. I mentioned before that I think he's had this fear dormant inside of him for a while as so many borderlines do, since he hasn't had the chance to experience it before. He alludes to it early on when they first arrive at Blue Lock:
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The thought of leaving Nagi for somebody else? Reo considers that heartless. They came together, after all. They're going to win the world cup together. Nagi could break both of his legs and Reo wouldn't leave him, because again, Reo isn't there to team up with the best player and become the best striker in the world: he's there to play with Nagi!! And, like I said, in Reo's mind it's him and Nagi vs everyone else-
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Reo exhibits a lot of signs early on of being jealous while they're playing in Blue Lock. I mean, as we discussed, everything should be focused around him and Nagi. When Nagi passes to Zantetsu in the team V and Y match, Reo pulls up like 'hey, why didn't you pass it to me?? ):' There are a lot of little moments like that, but Reo's jealousy is a lot more relevant to my argument after he gets abandoned by Nagi.
Let's talk about that word: abandoned. It seems dramatic, right? Reo uses that term constantly and exclusively. Every time he brings that moment up, he uses the word 'abandoned', or he'll say 'betrayed' or 'chose'. These are very definitive words. He’s not saying Nagi ditched him or flaked on him or blew him off, no; he has abandoned him. That word choice may seem disproportionate to the situation, but that's Reo's reality. This was the ultimate betrayal to him. The constant use of that vocabulary reiterates that in Reo's mind, there is no grey area. Either Nagi chooses him, or he chooses someone else. In choosing someone else, he abandons Reo. Reo is paranoid that Nagi isn't ever going to come back to him and it's because of something that Reo is lacking. How can Nagi like Isagi more than him, anyway?
Now, I do fault Nagi a bit for not communicating better at that moment. I understand that he's bad at communication, but I don't think Reo could have been more obviously upset if he tried. The dude was in TEARS. Nagi saw him devastated and then expected everything to be fine when he met him in the bathhouse? Idk. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't realize it would upset Reo to such an extreme: maybe he thought that they would miss each other, but Reo wouldn't take it personally. I'm doing my best not to harp on Nagi since this is about Reo.
Abandonment is detrimental to people with BPD. It causes extreme inner turmoil that we see with Reo as the story progresses because it is the only thing he can think about. If he isn't trying to cover up his hurt feelings with this idea of revenge, he's self-destructing over being abandoned. He becomes obsessed with wondering why Nagi chose Isagi over him. Was there something wrong with him? Isagi isn't that impressive, why would Nagi rather be with him? These thoughts torture him endlessly and fuel his desire to 'steal' Nagi back. He literally says to Isagi, that he's going to steal Nagi back. Much to his dismay though, Reo starts to notice that Isagi is bringing out some positive traits in Nagi. Nagi's entire vibe is different with Isagi. Nagi is having fun playing soccer without Reo. In fact, he's having more fun. He's making plays he's never made before. His face is visibly different; he's more excited than before.
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This is heartbreaking for Reo. Not only was he right that Isagi did have something to offer Nagi that he couldn't, but Reo is having a massive self-hate spiral during this point as well, so he's internalizing all of his flaws and mistakes while the thought is sitting in the back of his head: did Nagi actually have a good reason for abandoning me? Was I not enough to satisfy him? Did I only drag him down? This gets significantly worse the longer he watches Nagi and Isagi play:
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Everything is falling apart. Nagi is doing completely fine without Reo, and Reo is an absolute mess. We're circling back to Reo's lack of identity here as well. He's watching firsthand that he's losing Nagi to Isagi: what does he do? What happens to him if he loses Nagi, who is he without Nagi? He's overwhelmed during this match and at one point Reo literally screams that he's going to tear apart their connection. Jealousy is consuming him, but it's also those feelings of inferiority and wondering if he really did deserve to be abandoned. If Nagi is so happy without him, maybe he really did have a reason. These are the thoughts that are circling around in Reo's head. Not to mention, he is constantly tortured by the flashbacks of Nagi leaving him, which I think is a great detail. Some readers might say it's just pointless recapping but I disagree, I think it's depicting how traumatic that was for Reo. As a borderline, being abandoned by your fp IS traumatic. Reo relives that moment so many times because so many things trigger it for him throughout Blue Lock. He can't even look at Chigiri and Kunigami without thinking about him and Nagi. It's a really devastating experience that quickly deteriorates him emotionally.
Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness + Suicidal behavior or self-injury:
One of my favorite things about Reo is the fact that he is self-aware that he's behaving somewhat irrationally, but he doesn't know how to stop. When we look at one of the several times that Reo is curled up crying over Nagi, he mentions how he really did want to tell Nagi to go and have fun, but he didn't. He couldn't. The visuals shift for this too:
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Reo doesnt want to be acting this way, but he can't help it, and that's frustrating to him. It makes him start feeling ashamed of himself. His inner thoughts start to spiral and he feels weak and alone. He's reflecting here on what his true feelings really were at that moment, and how scared and lonely and weak he felt as a result of Nagi leaving him behind.
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These feelings quickly evolve into Reo feeling worthless and falling into bouts of self-hatred. He's so ashamed of the way he's feeling and behaving but it feels so out of his control. He says, "maybe if I hadn't gone to Blue Lock in the first place, I wouldn't have to experience this feeling." As I said before, borderline's feel things EXTREMELY intensely; the disorder is described as living with third-degree burns all over your body. Everything hurts. His feelings are so intense and all-consuming right now, it's all he can think about:
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I saw some posts in the fandom reddit asking why Reo is acting like this. One in particular reads: "I get that he is betrayed and stuff but he is acting like it’s the end of the world, is it explained later why he acts like this? Is it because he doesn’t think he can win without Nagi?" Not to call this person out, I just want to answer the question in this post-
It has nothing to do with winning; it was never about winning. It was always about Nagi.
If we're looking at Reo through the borderline lens, it IS the end of the world for him. Nagi was his world. What's worse, he's fully aware that he's not acting rationally and he doesn't know why, which is making him feel ashamed and weak and embarrassed. Now I know why he's acting like this, but there are no Blue Lock psychiatrists sitting around to wack him with the mood stabilizers or the DBT handbook, so he's gonna stay feeling like a monster.
He lets these thoughts, along with the resentment and anger from being abandoned in the first place, fuel him for the second selection match. As he's watching the game play out, as Nagi is about to score the winning goal, Reo's mind starts racing with intrusive, negative thoughts.
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He's praying that Nagi fails, that he gives up, that he stops trying, anything to stop that solidifying moment where he scores the winning goal and proves once and for all that not only was Reo not strong enough to stop him, but Nagi doesn't need him anymore. He catches himself really quickly, because he realizes he's sounding just like his parents. Everything is spinning out of control so bad, Reo wants Nagi to end up in a vulnerable position so that he isn't the only one falling apart. As he catches himself thinking this, he's disgusted with himself. He calls himself 'utter trash', and as he watches Nagi score the winning goal, he falls to his knees, wishing he was dead.
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As he sits there decomposing in emotional turmoil and suicidal ideation, Nagi's team chooses Chigiri to join them, and it's the nail in the coffin. This is probably Reo's lowest point in the entire story IMO. Nagi comes up to compliment him on his plays and Reo shows us another classic borderline move: he's anticipating how bad it's going to hurt to be abandoned by Nagi again, so he's trying to push him away before it can happen. We see the dichotomy of his spoken words and inner thoughts here, where he's talking big game to Nagi, saying things like 'you clearly don't care about me anymore, you're throwing me away, if you're going to abandon me just do it properly', while internally he's thinking 'I'm the worst, I wish I was dead, please take this bait and break my heart so that I can self destruct in peace'.
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i LOVE the visuals during this moment. This is what Reo thinks is his last line of defense, the last thing he can do to preserve any part of his dignity is to make Nagi hate him so that he'll stop throwing these crumbs of affection at him. It's also really telling that despite his switch in behavior and the devaluing of Nagi, the root of all of that is STILL that he was so hurt by the abandonment.
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I don't think I need to analyze the suicidal ideation because he just straight up says he wants to die like three times in this scene but, aside from that, the visual of his inner thoughts vs what he's actually saying is so powerful. Not to mention the chameleon imagery which i'll geek out about in a second, this is another example of his black and white thinking along with the reiteration that being abandoned was literally traumatic for Reo: he says they can never go back to what they were before. Speaking as a borderline, this is painfully true. When people break my trust even in a small way, I can never view them the same as I used to. I can forgive them and let it go, but I'll never be as open with them as I once was. In Reo's shoes, he had Nagi up on this pedestal that he was perfect and would never do anything to hurt him, but he did hurt him (in the worst way possible).
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After Nagi tells him he's a pain in the ass and that he doesn't care anymore, Reo thanks him for 'finishing him off'. In his mind, they're done now and he can suffer in peace and quiet without dragging Nagi down anymore.
Bonus Point: The Chameleon Effect
I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS THING IS CHAMELEONS AHHHH
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The chameleon imagery with Reo makes me INSANE dude. As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, a part of borderline that is seldom talked about is the tendency to take on 'the chameleon effect', or mirror the people around them. REO'S ENTIRE THING IS CHAMELEONS LIKE BFFR ?? That image where he was trying to get Nagi to hate him, was before he even started using his chameleon style, it was just something the authors thought was necessary to include during Reo's mental breakdown. Aside from the cool imagery, his chameleon style is a reflection of his relationship with Nagi. He gets called a jack of all trades and a master of none early on in reference to how when he’s without Nagi, hes not really exceptional at anything. He never really took the time to master one specific thing because he was always so concerned with helping Nagi. This rings my BPD bell for a couple reasons: first of all, when you have no sense of identity and you’re worried it means you have no real personality ?? Steal one!! Take the closest person to you and copy that one. That’s something us baddies know VERY well. Also, think there’s something about you that your fp doesn’t like? Change it! You can morph into anything they want as long as it means they won’t leave you !! :*) Before he makes up with Nagi, he copies moves in hopes that it'll make him stronger and appear more desirable to Nagi. After they make up, he copies whoever he has to so that he can get Nagi to that goal and make himself useful, make himself somebody that Nagi wants to have around. It is a literal direct metaphor for him changing anything and everything about himself for Nagi and graaaahhhh it’s so cool
Reonagi ?? Some thoughts-
I want to close this yap session with my thoughts on Reonagi as a ship. I do think that they can work and I want to make that clear. I'm not on board with the 'borderlines arent capable of having loving and fulfilling relationships' crap. That being said, they both have to put in a bit of effort. Reo has already recognized a lot of his own issues. He admits that he was wrong for pushing his ideals onto Nagi, that he needs to let Nagi grow and be his own person, etc. Nagi really hasn't accepted any fault. I stand by the fact that Nagi needs to be more sensitive with Reo. Way too often when a relationship like this fails, all the blame is put on the one with borderline. I'm gonna be the outlier here and say that if Nagi cares about Reo, he needs to learn about Reo's triggers and be mindful of them. I'm not saying that since Reo is sensitive to abandonment that Nagi should just isolate himself from everybody else, but what I am saying is that when he's going to do something that doesn't involve Reo, he needs to learn how to communicate that he still loves and values Reo. "I'm gonna go play soccer with this person right now, but I haven't forgotten about our promise. When I come back, we can play together. I still love you and I'm not going to leave you for whoever tf I'm playing with rn." (sneaking that 'i love you' in bc like..they're literally canon at this point asdfghjkll) But, I do think that Nagi loves Reo and cares about him in his own way. The two of them just have to keep working on their communication skills. Nagi has the potential to have a hot rich husband who will literally bend over backward for him and buy him all the robux he could ever want, he's gotta put in a shred of effort!
I also like to think that Nagi didn’t totally get the fact that Reo doesn’t gaf about just playing soccer. Nagi thinks soccer is what they do together, it’s what makes reo happy, right? He’s always pushing him to train harder and take the game more seriously because he likes the sport, RIGHT? It would make perfect sense to go play with isagi so that he can get better at soccer and come back to reo a more improved player. Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Reo was so mad in the bathhouse, bc he wasn’t making the connection that Reo cares more about him than soccer. That Reo puts all that energy into him playing soccer because he thinks it’s something that they can have as their own, and once Nagi notices how good he is, he’ll start enjoying it and the two of them can hold hands and run around the soccer pitch!! I think Nagi missed that part tbh, and I don’t think he know that even now in the story. Maybe Reo doesn’t even notice it.
Anyway, a shameless plug to my reonagi playlist if that's your thing (i cooked with this one, i fear) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5CsvSqmuI4cxOl1nTaV4GJ?si=737a0f21e0bd482a
Closing Thoughts:
Reo is a bpd baddie and I love him very much. I think he's a sensitive guy with a lot of feelings who would benefit from taking time to work through his trauma and his emotions. I hope that he eventually is able to build an identity for himself that doesn't involve Nagi, but baby steps, I suppose. I think Reo is a great balance of positive and negative borderline traits and he reads as a really believable and sympathetic character. He is, however, definitely that friend that you have to slap to stop them from running back to their ex.
Jokes aside though, BPD can be extremely hard to live with, even more so when it's undiagnosed and untreated. If someone you love has BPD, take the time to read up on it and do your best to understand them. I promise you, it will mean the world to them.
If you managed to get this far, thank you for reading! This was a messy stream of consciousness and I appreciate your support by listening.
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gibberishfangirl · 7 months ago
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I didn't see if your requests are open so if they are closed, please ignore this message. I would like to request furin boys + togame by going to the reader's house in the morning and being greeted by the reader with a sleepy face, a men's shirt that doesn't belong to the boys and being hugged from behind by another guy when, in fact, it's just the reader's gay friend who went for a girls' night out and everything really was just a misunderstanding 😁
WIND BREAKER | misunderstandings
Synopsis ✰ what happens when a misunderstanding occurs between the two of you involving another guy
Characters ✰ Haruka Sakura, Hajime Umemiya, Hayato Suo, Akihiko Nirei, Jo Togame
Contains ✰ sfw! some violence, everything’s resolved at the end, mistakes, misunderstandings, content of the boys reacting differently to the situation
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★ hands thrown immediately, pray you or your friend have fast reflexes enough to break up the fight from truly escalating. he reacts now, asks questions later. quite literally gets blindsided by their emotions and doesn’t think straight ★
-> Haruka Sakura ᡣ𐭩
Sakura couldn’t even wrap his head around the situation. all he saw was you in a shirt that wasn’t his with a guy who wasn’t him either. his body reacted quicker than his mind could’ve, before any of you even knew it he walked past you and immediately shoved your friend into the ground away from you. your body jolted as all your tiredness disappeared from the commotion. you had to jump in front of your friend to prevent Sakura from doing more. “wait Sakura! it’s not like that.” is all you could manage to get out as Sakura paused confused by your words. you explained what happened the previous night to him and he was quickly embarrassed by his reaction. of course he offered an apology to your friend, which he didn’t truly mean since you still wore a shirt that wasn’t his. after your friend left, the two of you had a conversation where you reassured him that you would never do something like that to him.
-> Jo Togame ᡣ𐭩
Togame was already having a rough morning, which is the reason why he went to your house. he just wanted to see you so his day can get better. at least, that’s what he thought he needed until someone who wasn’t you opened your door. at first he assumed that he must’ve gotten the wrong house but that was debunked as he saw your figure pop up behind the guy. all he had to do was take one look at you and than your friend for all these crazy assumptions to enter his mind. he grabbed your friend by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against the wall before flinging a fist into his direction. you had to pry Togame off of him and once you did he left before you could even explain yourself. you caught him later that day to explain what happened and why your friend was there. of course you were furious with him because of the way he reacted and he understood why. you both understood each others perspective and apologized to one another after that you both apologized to your friend for getting caught in the crossfire.
★ skeptical but proceeds with caution, he knows you would never do anything to hurt him. he tries to keep a clear mind and asks what happens as calmly as possible ★
-> Hayato Suo ᡣ𐭩
Suo’s not a violent person for the most part… he knows better than to respond with violence or blow up. what he also knows is that you would never do anything to hurt him. especially not anything that involves cheating or being unfaithful. he simply asks what happens and you two explain the chaotic night you had. Suo wasn’t necessarily thrilled about the outcome since he would’ve preferred to be the one who went home with you. he politely asked that next time you just call him when you’re in trouble or need to get home. he’s very understanding and nice about everything.
-> Hajime Umemiya ᡣ𐭩
Umemiya’s a rational person, he has to be. That doesn’t mean he has to like what he sees, he dislikes it but won’t react before getting a response as to what is even happening. not to mention, he trusts you so much. “hey, what’s going on?” are the only words that leave his mouth after entering your house. after you explained what happened he’s relieved that it wasn’t what it seemed. however, his first time meeting your friend was a bit awkward due to the situation itself. he still wished you would’ve called him instead to go get you from your hang out with friends. he would’ve made sure you got home safely. don’t be surprised if he comes back to your house the next day with a bunch of his spare tees so you can use them as sleeping shirts from now on.
★ emotional wreck, walks out without wanting to hear an explanation. genuinely feels so much heartbreak and doesn’t know what to think ★
-> Akihiko Nirei ᡣ𐭩
Nirei took one look at the two of you and instantly walked out. he felt his heart shatter right in that moment as soon as you opened the door. his entire day went from 100 to 0 in a matter of seconds. you tried to call out for him but he ignored you and proceeded to walk away. you had to move fast in order to catch up to him to explain yourself. you found him eventually on the side of the road clearly upset. “Nirei. it wasn’t like that, i swear.” fortunately enough for you he was willing to listen. poor guy was definitely caught up in his own mind, he always felt like he wasn’t good enough for you and after seeing how you looked like with someone else he convinced himself it was true. you went the extra mile to reassure him nothing like that would ever happen.
-> Haruka Sakura ᡣ𐭩
Sakura was furious. he was angry, upset, sad, frustrated, and most importantly he felt betrayed. he was used to being outcasted and hated by those around him. he was used to everyone treating him poorly but he thought you were different. he felt stupid for thinking someone out there could have loved him or wasn’t like everyone else in some way or another. you couldn’t find him after he left, in fact he went pretty much m.i.a. since the incident. it took some convincing but he agreed to meet up with you so you can explain what happened. you felt bad that you had accidentally triggered him in that way. the two of you had a long conversation about everything and managed to work things out. he was a bit shy after being so vulnerable about his feelings but it helped you two create a deeper bond with one another.
a/n <3 : hope you enjoy this one! hopefully i did your request justice :’D i did two for Sakura simply just because i feel like his reaction can go either way. as for Togame, that man’s throwing hands regardless of how his morning is going. i also decided to try out a new format for these kind of scenarios, lmk if you guys like it? :)
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mazeinthemiroh · 2 years ago
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Hi can you do skz reaction to there s/o skipping meals if you haven't already thank you ❤️
stray kids reaction to their s/o skipping meals
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genre: hurt / comfort, slight angst
warnings: mentions of food, skipping meals, indicated eating disorder - reader's discretion is advised!
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bangchan
would be really concerned. he's prone to not taking care of himself as much in the past, so he sees the signs of you not taking care of yourself in certain aspects of your lifestyle. he doesn't want to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up, but he keeps a close eye on you. every time you visit him in the studio, for instance, and he hears your stomach rumbling, knowing you haven't eaten, he will suggest having a lunch date together <3
minho
he knows. he just knows. his mind is automatically occupied with your health and he constantly asks you if you have eaten well. you lie to his face and he knows it. a frown would appear on his features as he realises this is more than just a little habit of yours. will always encourage you to eat well and stay healthy. physically feeds you. "go 'ah' " and opens his mouth wide for you to mimic him because he loves babying you :(
changbin
it's when he can't think of the last time you actually ate a meal... yeah, then he starts to clock onto it. he will have you still down with him and have a serious conversation about it because all he wants is for you to be healthy and happy, and with you skipping meals, it is clear you are not either of those things. the subject gets him quite emotional because he wants to take all your problems away all at once but he knows he can't :(
hyunjin
at first, when you reject his offer to get some food for you, he doesn't think much of it. but then it happens again. and again. and then again. and soon he's got alarm bells ringing in his brain as he realises you go on days without having a full meal. he makes sure you know how much he loves you and how against this he is. because he just wants you to be happy with yourself and not have the need to feel empty.
jisung
jisungie would get super pouty when he notices you reject his food offers despite your stomach rumbling like a volcano. he'll gently be holding you close and feed you himself, or at least get you to try a little bit of his meal. baby steps. he's extremely gentle and caring in this situation; he definitely knows not to push you too far or hard, seemingly to find the right balance between soft and stern.
felix
felix knows too. he's struggled with food in the past. so he knows almost immediately that you have a problem. he can relate to what you're going through which makes him the perfect person to talk to you about this and help you through it. he hates seeing you struggling with eating and feeling bad about yourself. his main goal in life is for you to be happy and confident in yourself, and he's not going to rest until that happens.
seungmin
seungmin's go-to date idea is simply going to a restaurant or staying in, to get a takeaway. he can be a traditional guy, so why not? however, each time he suggests doing something like this, you always turn it down, saying something along the lines of you not being comfortable. seungmin's prying eyes seem to get you to end up telling him that you've been skipping meals. he'll hold your hand and listen to your reasonings, telling you he's going to support you through this.
jeongin
jeongin it's a lot. and he remembers a time when you used to indulge his behaviour by eating a good meal yourself. he made sure you were well fed, never hungry. but nowadays, you struggle to eat a small snack, let alone a big meal. seeing you go from eating a healthy, normal amount to barely anything at all breaks his heart. he will mention it a couple of times, but most of the time he's coming up with ways to try and feed you.
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skz taglist: @hearts4sungie, @seokshineswiftie, @alyszaen, @jtrstp, @a-wandering-stay, @hyungenie5, @anyamaris, @acciocriativity, @chammak-challokys, @whatisnttakenbynow
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rafesapologist · 1 year ago
Text
the set up — rafe cameron; part twenty one
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summary: you've been one of the pogues since childhood, and your loyalty has always lied within your friend group, who is practically your family. when a threat by the name of rafe cameron begins to threaten the pogue's plans, they assign you to gain the trust of the dubious kook and keep an eye on what he's up to. however, now it's been six months since your friends set you up to spy on the kook prince himself, but what you didn't anticipate was to fall head over heels for the boy. your relationship had soon become inviolable shortly after your guys' first exchanges, much to your friends' dismay, and you two became practically inseperable. that was, until rafe discovers the truth.
warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of alcohol, topper
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Rafe's eyes fixated on the flickering flames of the bonfire as Topper and Kelce chatted beside him. The distant roar of the ocean served as a backdrop to the lively conversations around the beach. Topper, oblivious to Rafe's internal turmoil, casually mentioned, "Hey, it feels like I haven't seen Y/N in forever. What's she been up to?"
Kelce, always one for gossip, chimed in with a teasing smile, "Maybe she finally realized she's too good for the likes of us."
Rafe, lost in his own thoughts, absentmindedly took a swig from his drink, the liquid burning down his throat. The mention of your name sent a jolt through him, but he masked his reaction with a nonchalant demeanor. In reality, he hadn't stopped thinking about you, but the pain of the past had kept him from reaching out. The familiar ache in his chest intensified as he drowned his thoughts in the numbing embrace of alcohol. The bonfire's glow reflected in his troubled eyes as he struggled to reconcile the reality of your absence from his life.
As Rafe continued to nurse his drink, his gaze involuntarily wandered back to Sofia in the distance. The laughter and animated gestures of her friends painted a stark contrast to the turmoil within him. His mind replayed the unexpected encounter with you, the image of your radiant presence etched in his memory.
He took another swig from his drink, the burn of the alcohol providing a temporary distraction from the ache in his chest. Rafe's thoughts lingered on the details of your appearance—your longer hair, your sun-kissed skin. The subtle changes hadn't escaped his notice, and he found himself wondering about the reasons behind them. The sight of you had left an indelible mark, stirring a mix of emotions that he struggled to untangle. The once-familiar warmth he associated with you clashed with the icy reality of the present, leaving him disoriented and consumed by a cocktail of conflicting feelings.
"She's probably screwing Maybank now," Topper's casual pat on Rafe's back jolted him back to the present, disrupting the fragile sanctuary of his thoughts. The joke about you and JJ fell on his ears like a lead weight, and Rafe couldn't shake the tension that crept into his muscles. He managed a half-hearted laugh, but his gaze shifted from the fire to the crowd, scanning for any sign of you and JJ.
The idea that you could be with JJ, even if it was just a joke, stirred an unsettling mix of jealousy and regret within Rafe. He tried to dismiss the thought, reminding himself of the complexities that had led to your separation. However, the flicker of doubt lingered in the recesses of his mind, casting shadows over the flames that danced before him. The bonfire's warmth offered no solace to the internal turmoil that threatened to consume him.
"I mean she seemed pretty close to him even when her and Rafe were dating, so I wouldn't doubt it," Kelce's agreement with Topper's joke landed heavily on Rafe's ears, and an uncomfortable dryness settled in his throat. The casual banter felt like an unexpected blow, a reminder of the uncertainties surrounding your current situation. Even though Rafe tried to hide it, the subtle undercurrents of tension and longing painted an intricate mosaic of emotions on his face.
The flames of the bonfire danced wildly, mirroring the tempestuous thoughts raging within Rafe. He took another swig of his drink, attempting to drown out the rising tide of emotions that threatened to engulf him. The night, once full of anticipation, now felt like a merciless unraveling of suppressed feelings.
As Rafe rose from his seat, the disquietude within him became palpable. He excused himself with a hurried cough, a facade of normalcy failing to mask the turmoil brewing beneath the surface. Sofia was the anchor he sought in this sea of emotions, an attempt to regain composure and escape the incessant echoes of your presence. With determination etched on his face, Rafe navigated through the crowd, each step carrying the weight of unspoken words and unresolved feelings.
"Hey, where have you been?" Sofia turned around, a bright smile illuminating her face as she greeted Rafe. The warm camaraderie between them was evident, but Rafe's eyes betrayed a subtle urgency. He took another swig from his drink, the casual gesture belying the turmoil within.
"Hey, been around, you know how it is," he replied nonchalantly, trying to keep the conversation light. But then, his gaze intensified as he asked, "Have you seen Y/N? I thought she might be around here somewhere."
Sofia's expression shifted, catching the undercurrent of Rafe's inquiry. "Oh, Y/N! Yeah, she was here a while ago, but I think she left with JJ. They seemed in a hurry. Everything okay?"
The words hit Rafe like a punch to the gut. The revelation stung, and he could feel the facade of composure cracking. "Yeah, yeah, just curious," he mumbled, avoiding Sofia's eyes as he continued nursing his drink, the weight of the moment settling in.
The distant sound of laughter and chatter blended into a muffled buzz as Rafe's thoughts swirled in a tempest of emotions. Sofia's voice became an indistinct murmur as he gulped down his drink with a rapid, almost desperate, intensity. The liquid burned on its way down, but it provided a fleeting distraction from the turmoil within.
Anger simmered beneath the surface, a turbulent undercurrent to the steady rhythm of the bonfire crackling nearby. Each gulp was a futile attempt to drown out the echoing questions in his mind. Why did you leave with JJ? What did it mean? Did it matter?
His jaw clenched, and he resisted the urge to throw the empty cup into the flames. Instead, he lowered it slowly, his gaze fixed on the flickering fire, the dance of the flames mirroring the tumult of emotions within him.
"Gonna go grab another drink," With a strained smile, Rafe excused himself from Sofia and her friends, his movements deliberate yet detached. He navigated through the lively crowd, the distant hum of conversation and laughter forming an inconsequential backdrop to the storm brewing in his mind.
As he approached the makeshift bar, he could feel the weight of eyes on him, the warmth of the bonfire casting flickering shadows across his face. With a curt nod to the person manning the drinks, he grabbed another cup and poured himself another shot.
The fiery liquid burned down his throat, momentarily eclipsing the nagging thoughts that clung to him like persistent shadows. Rafe's gaze remained fixated on the undulating flames, a silent battle playing out within him. The liquor was a fleeting ally, offering a temporary respite from the relentless questions that clawed at the edges of his consciousness.
The glow of the bonfire reflected in Rafe's eyes as he hesitated, his thumb hovering over your contact name on his phone. He felt a surge of emotions battling within him—anger, longing, regret. For a few agonizing seconds, he stared at your name, the memories of your time together flooding his mind.
His internal struggle intensified. Part of him wanted to reach out, to hear your voice, to bridge the chasm that had grown between you. Another part resisted, fearing the pain and uncertainty that might accompany such a conversation. Rafe clenched his jaw, the internal conflict etched on his face as he grappled with the decision.
In the end, uncertainty won. With a heavy sigh, he locked his phone, the screen fading to black as he once again drowned his thoughts in the fiery solace of alcohol.
───────────────
The night air was filled with a mix of the ocean breeze and the aroma of the blunt you and JJ shared. Sitting on the steps of the chateau, you curled your knees up to your chest, finding a small sense of comfort in the night sky. Your gaze fixed on the moon, its pale glow casting a soft light over the surroundings.
JJ took a drag from the blunt, the sweet scent of cannabis lingering in the air. The sound of waves crashing against the shore created a rhythmic backdrop to the heavy silence that hung between you two. It was a moment of solace, an attempt to escape the tumultuous emotions stirred up by the unexpected encounter with Rafe.
As you exhaled a plume of smoke, you broke the silence. "I never expected to see him with someone else, especially Sofia," you confessed, your voice laced with a mixture of sadness and disbelief.
JJ nodded, his eyes reflecting understanding. "Yeah, that's a tough pill to swallow. But you know, people change. Circumstances change. Doesn't mean it's easy, though."
The words hung in the air, carrying the weight of the unspoken pain that both of you felt. The complex web of emotions surrounding Rafe, Sofia, and the past seemed to entangle you in an intricate dance of heartache.
Taking another drag, you leaned back against the steps, staring at the moon as if seeking solace from the celestial body. The tranquility of the night provided a temporary escape, a brief respite from the storm of emotions swirling within you.
JJ reached over, offering you the blunt. "Maybe things will get better, you know? It's like a fucked-up rollercoaster, but sometimes you gotta ride it out to get to the other side."
You took the blunt from him, the shared gesture a silent acknowledgment of the camaraderie between you two. The night continued its quiet vigil, the chateau standing as a silent witness to the unfolding chapters of your intertwined lives.
Your tired eyes met JJ's, and with a heavy sigh, you confessed, "I wish things could go back to the way they were before any of this happened. Before the secrets, the pain, before everything fell apart."
JJ took a thoughtful drag from the blunt, his eyes reflecting empathy. "Yeah, I get that. But you can't change the past, no matter how much you want to. All we can do is figure out how to navigate the present and hope for a better future."
There was a weighty silence as his words lingered in the air, the truth of them sinking in. The night wrapped around you, holding the shared vulnerability in the quiet space between conversations.
You stared into the distance, feeling the cool night air against your skin. The chateau, once a symbol of carefree moments and laughter, now stood as a silent witness to the complexities of relationships and the scars they leave behind.
JJ's gaze softened, and he gently rubbed your back in a comforting manner. "You've been handling all of this better than you give yourself credit for, you know? It takes strength to face the aftermath of a mess like this. You're doing better than you think, Y/N."
His words held a sincerity that offered a glimmer of solace, a reminder that amidst the chaos, there was someone who saw your resilience. The subtle warmth of his hand on your back, coupled with his reassuring words, provided a momentary reprieve from the turmoil within.
You chuckled, a bitter edge to the sound. "It just feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders."
JJ looked at you with understanding in his eyes. "I get it, Y/N. It's a lot to carry, especially when everything feels like it's falling apart. But you don't have to carry it all on your own. You've got people here for you, including me."
He paused for a moment, letting his words sink in before adding, "And hey, tonight wasn't easy for you. Seeing Rafe with someone else after all this time… I can't imagine how tough that was."
The shared understanding between you and JJ was a silent acknowledgment of the pain that lingered in the air, a pain that words could only touch the surface of.
"Yeah, seeing your ex with your co-worker, it's like a special kind of torture," you remarked, your voice tinged with bitterness. The bitter taste of reality mixed with the smoke of the blunt hung in the air as you continued, "I guess I deserve it, though, right? Karma or whatever."
JJ took a drag from the blunt, exhaling slowly before passing it back to you. "Y/N, you don't deserve any of this. Life's just been throwing a bunch of crap our way lately."
He placed a comforting hand on your shoulder, a silent gesture of support that spoke volumes. The night enveloped both of you in a blanket of darkness, punctuated by the distant sounds of laughter and music from the bonfire at the boneyard. In that moment, leaning against each other on the steps, it felt like a small sanctuary away from the turmoil that had become your lives.
With a faint smile, JJ extended his hand towards you. You reluctantly took JJ's hand, allowing him to help you up. The effects of the night were taking their toll, and the weight on your shoulders felt even heavier. As you stood, JJ wrapped an arm around your shoulders, offering silent support.
"Yeah, you're right," you mumbled, your voice barely above a whisper. "Thanks for being here, JJ."
He squeezed your shoulders reassuringly. "Always, Y/N. Let's get you some rest."
Together, you made your way back into the chateau, leaving behind the night and its echoes of painful encounters. The door closed softly behind you, muffling the sounds of the outside world.
As you closed the door behind you, the silence of your room enveloped you. The events of the night weighed heavily on your mind, and you couldn't shake off the vivid image of Rafe with Sofia. The room felt emptier than ever, and the solitude pressed down on you.
You changed into your sleepwear, the fabric feeling cool against your skin. Crawling into bed, you stared at the ceiling, lost in your thoughts. The night's events replayed in your mind like a relentless loop, and sleep seemed elusive.
Tossing and turning, you tried to find a comfortable position. The soft glow from the moon spilled through your window, casting a gentle illumination in the room. Eventually, exhaustion overcame your racing thoughts, and you drifted into a fitful slumber.
The chateau, usually a place of comfort, felt unfamiliar. The bed that once cradled shared laughter and whispered secrets now seemed too large, too empty. The room echoed with the lingering emotions of the past, and as you closed your eyes, the boundary between dreams and reality blurred.
In the ethereal realm of dreams, you found yourself in a familiar and comforting place. The soft glow of a lamp illuminated Rafe's room, casting a warm ambiance that enveloped you both. The scent of his cologne lingered in the air, creating a sense of intimacy that transcended the boundaries of the waking world.
You were nestled against Rafe, the two of you sharing a quiet moment on his bed. The rhythmic hum of the television played in the background, its glow illuminating the room with a soft flicker. Laughter erupted between you, a harmonious melody that echoed through the dreamlike space.
Rafe's arm was draped around you, pulling you closer as you both reveled in the simplicity of the moment. The weight of the world lifted, and the connection you once shared seemed to rekindle in this dreamy haven. The touch of his fingers tracing absentminded patterns on your arm sent shivers down your spine, and the genuine joy in his laughter echoed like a soothing lullaby.
As the dream unfolded, the outside world faded away, and for a fleeting moment, it felt like time itself had paused to allow you to savor the stolen fragments of happiness. The dream encapsulated a bittersweet nostalgia, a stark contrast to the harsh reality that awaited you when morning inevitably arrived.
Little did you know, the dream held its secrets close, masking the ephemeral illusion from the conscious mind that yearned for a respite from the ache that lingered in the waking hours.
───────────────
The morning light spilled through your window, casting a golden glow across your room. Despite the sun's attempt to bring warmth, the heaviness in your heart lingered, and the bitter fog of reality settled around you like a persistent shadow.
With a reluctant sigh, you forced yourself to sit up, the weight of the previous night's encounters clinging to your every thought. The dream, though a temporary escape, was now just a fleeting memory, leaving you grappling with the harsh truth of the present.
As you moved through the motions of the morning, the world outside seemed to carry on as if nothing had changed. Birds chirped in the distance, and the distant hum of life continued, but within the confines of your own emotional landscape, a storm brewed.
Each step felt like an uphill climb, and the simple act of getting out of bed became a monumental task. The remnants of the dream lingered, teasing you with echoes of a reality that seemed increasingly distant.
You caught your reflection in the mirror, and for a moment, you studied the weariness in your eyes. The events of the previous night had left their mark, etching lines of sorrow and longing on your face.
JJ's presence in the kitchen, flipping pancakes with a carefree demeanor, brought a bittersweet nostalgia. The aroma of breakfast filled the air, reminiscent of mornings spent with Rafe, whose declaration of love had once echoed in the same space.
Your lips curved into a small, melancholic smile as you took a seat at the table. The contrast between then and now hung in the air, the scent of pancakes carrying both the warmth of memories and the ache of their absence.
JJ, absorbed in his pancake-flipping task, glanced over at you with a lighthearted grin. "Morning," he greeted, a hint of concern in his eyes as he noticed the subtle change in your expression.
"Morning," you replied, your smile lingering as you appreciated the effort JJ put into creating a sense of normalcy. The echoes of the past lingered, and yet, in this moment, you found solace in the companionship of a friend determined to bring a bit of joy to your morning.
As the pancakes sizzled on the griddle, you allowed the bittersweet memories to wash over you, momentarily lost in the intricate dance between past and present.
"Are you scheduled to work with me today?" you asked, breaking the trance of your thoughts and returning to the present.
JJ, still flipping pancakes, shook his head. "Nah, I'm off today. Figured I'd whip up some breakfast for us."
JJ's carefree demeanor faltered for a moment as he listened to your words. The realization that you were scheduled to work while he enjoyed a day off hung in the air, a stark reminder of the challenges life had thrown your way.
"Hey," he said gently, turning his attention away from the pancakes. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. We can figure something out."
You sighed, appreciating the offer but feeling the weight of responsibility pressing down on you. "I appreciate it, JJ, but I can't just bail on work. Bills don't pay themselves."
JJ's expression tightened, an empathetic frown forming on his face. "I know, Y/N. But sometimes, you gotta take a break for yourself. You've been through a lot lately."
The sincerity in his words tugged at your heart, and for a moment, you considered the idea of taking a break. The weight of the world seemed a bit lighter when shared with a friend who genuinely cared.
Taking a bite of the pancake, you sighed and looked at JJ, a sense of vulnerability in your eyes. "I don't know how I'm gonna handle work today, JJ. I just... I can't imagine being around Sofia after what happened last night."
JJ nodded in understanding, chewing thoughtfully. "Yeah, I get that. It's gonna be tough, but you've got this."
You let out a frustrated exhale. "I just wish things could go back to how they were, you know? Simple and uncomplicated."
JJ's expression softened, and he reached across the table to give your hand a reassuring squeeze. "I know, Y/N. I wish that for you too. But we'll get through this, alright? One day at a time."
His words offered a glimmer of comfort, and you managed a small smile. "Thanks, JJ. I appreciate you being here for me."
"No problem, kiddo. We're in this together," JJ replied, his gaze warm and supportive. The weight of the upcoming day lingered, but for that moment, the camaraderie between you and JJ provided a much-needed anchor.
Once you finished the remainder of your pancakes, you hurriedly changed into your waitress uniform, the fabric feeling strangely foreign against your skin. Each step felt like a chore, and the knot in your stomach tightened as you thought about facing the day. With a rushed goodbye to JJ, you headed out the door, the cool air doing little to ease the tension that gripped you. As you approached your car, you took a deep breath, bracing yourself for the challenges that awaited you at work.
You sat in your car for a few moments, the engine humming softly, contemplating the day ahead. The drive to work had passed in a blur, and now the reality of facing everyone at the restaurant loomed ahead. You took a deep breath, steeling yourself for whatever emotions and challenges awaited you inside. With a sigh, you opened the car door and stepped out, determined to navigate through the day as best as you could.
Sofia's cheerful greeting caught you off guard as you entered the restaurant. A forced smile appeared on your face as you reciprocated the greeting, trying your best to maintain a friendly demeanor despite the turbulent emotions swirling within you.
Sofia's voice rang out, pulling you away from your thoughts. "Hey there! I was wondering where you disappeared to last night. The bonfire was just getting started," she said, her tone friendly but curious.
You managed a small smile, trying to play off your early exit. "Yeah, I just needed some quiet time, you know? The crowd was a bit much for me," you explained, hoping to brush off any further inquiries.
Sofia tilted her head, a glint of curiosity in her eyes. "Everything okay, Y/N? You seemed a bit off. Did something happen?"
You debated how much to share, not wanting to delve into the complicated emotions of seeing Rafe with Sofia. "Nah, just one of those nights. Sometimes you just need to recharge solo," you replied, hoping she wouldn't dig any deeper.
Sofia nodded, seeming to accept your explanation. "Fair enough. Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. We all are," she offered, her friendly demeanor shining through.
"Thanks, Sofia. I appreciate that," you replied, grateful for her kindness.
Sofia's voice caught you off guard once more, this time steering the conversation in a different direction. "Hey, quick question," she began, a mischievous twinkle in her eye. "Is there something going on between you and JJ?"
You blinked, surprised by the unexpected question. "Uh, no, why do you ask?" you replied, trying to sound casual.
She leaned in a bit, lowering her voice conspiratorially. "Oh, I don't know. I just noticed you two seem pretty close, always together and all. People are starting to talk, you know?" Sofia added with a sly grin.
You couldn't help but chuckle nervously. "No, Sofia, JJ and I are just good friends. Nothing more," you clarified, hoping to dispel any potential rumors.
She raised an eyebrow playfully. "Just friends, huh? Well, you two certainly spend a lot of time together. Anyway, just thought I'd ask. Gossip has a way of spreading around here," she teased before heading back to her duties.
As Sofia left, you couldn't shake the uneasy feeling that the workplace dynamics were shifting, and the last thing you needed was more complications. The weight of Sofia's words lingered in the air, a subtle annoyance gnawing at you. It wasn't just the insinuations about you and JJ; it was the reminder of the tangled web of relationships and feelings that surrounded you. Frustration simmered beneath the surface, fueled by the growing complexity of your personal life.
As you went about your work, you couldn't shake the feeling that the workplace dynamics had shifted, and the eyes of your colleagues seemed to carry unspoken questions. The atmosphere felt charged with unsaid words and assumptions, adding an extra layer of stress to an already challenging situation. Despite your efforts to focus on your tasks, the undercurrent of workplace gossip cast a shadow over your day.
As the hours passed into your shift, almost nearing the end of the day, you managed to get through your work while avoiding Sofia as much as possible. You attempted to focus solely on your tasks, hoping to minimize any unnecessary interactions. The atmosphere in the restaurant remained tense for you, a constant reminder of the recent events.
Suddenly, the hostess approached you with news of a large party that had just arrived. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to face whatever challenges lay ahead. After a quick cleanup, you headed out to the dining area, only to be met with the sight of Rafe and his friends sitting at the table you were assigned to.
A wave of discomfort washed over you, and you had to work hard to hide your surprise behind a forced smile. The unexpected presence of Rafe and his friends added an extra layer of tension to your already strained day. Trying to maintain professionalism, you approached the table and greeted them with a neutral tone.
"Hey, welcome! My name's Y/N, and I'll be taking care of you all today. Can I start you off with some drinks?" you asked, doing your best to keep your composure despite the internal turmoil. The forced interaction with Rafe and his friends in a professional setting made the situation even more challenging to navigate.
You felt a sense of discomfort wash over you as Topper recognized you. He greeted you with a mischievous grin, "Well, well, well, if it isn't the elusive Y/N," he remarked, his tone teasing. "I haven't seen you around in forever. What have you been up to?"
You forced a polite but strained smile, not entirely comfortable with the unexpected attention. "Hey, Topper. Yeah, it's been a bit." You tried to steer the conversation towards neutral ground, hoping to avoid any unnecessary complications during your shift.
Topper's friend smirked, intrigued by the mention of past connections. "Oh, really? How do you two know each other?" he asked.
Topper leaned back in his chair, a sly grin playing on his lips. "Y/N and Rafe used to date. Crazy, right? Small world."
You felt a mix of discomfort and annoyance as Topper casually threw that piece of information into the conversation. The atmosphere at the table shifted slightly, and you tried to maintain your composure, not wanting to let on that the revelation affected you.
Rafe's jaw clenched, and his eyes shot a fierce glare at Topper. "Fuck off, Topper," he snapped, the tension in his voice cutting through the air. The atmosphere at the table grew more palpable, and the friends exchanged glances, sensing the underlying tension.
The friend leaned back in his chair, chuckling, "Seriously, Rafe, how'd you mess that up?"
Rafe's jaw clenched as he shot a piercing glare at his friend, "Back off, man."
Topper, enjoying the discomfort he was causing, chimed in with a teasing smile, "Come on, Rafe, spill. What went wrong?"
The conversation at the table continued, but you couldn't bring yourself to meet anyone's eyes. The weight of the awkwardness hung heavily in the air. You focused on taking the orders, avoiding any direct interaction. Rafe's presence added an extra layer of tension to the atmosphere, and you couldn't shake off the discomfort that lingered throughout the encounter.
Rafe's frustration boiled over as he snapped at Topper, "Enough, Topper. Knock it off."
Topper, undeterred by Rafe's warning, chuckled and added fuel to the fire, "Come on, man. It's not every day we get the scoop on Rafe Cameron's love life. Gotta spill the tea, right?" The other friend at the table joined in the laughter, completely oblivious to the discomfort spreading across your face.
Topper continued with his teasing, "Yeah, seriously, it was like a soap opera. One minute they're together, the next minute, she's with JJ. Classic love triangle stuff." Rafe's jaw clenched tighter, and you could see the frustration building in his eyes. The friend at the table leaned in, eager to hear more of the drama.
The other friend's eyes widened in mock shock, and he burst into laughter, teasing Rafe about being the second choice to JJ.
Topper joined in, playfully patting Rafe on the back, "Don't worry, buddy. We all have our ups and downs."
Rafe's frustration escalated, evident in the way his fists clenched on the table. The atmosphere at the table became tense, and you felt a mixture of discomfort and sympathy for Rafe.
Your voice trembled slightly as you spoke up, "Excuse me," and, with tears forming in your eyes, you swiftly turned away from the table and stormed outside. The weight of the situation pressed heavily on your shoulders, and the cool air outside provided a brief relief from the suffocating atmosphere within the restaurant.
As the door closed behind you, you took a moment to collect yourself, trying to shake off the embarrassment and pain that clung to you like an unwelcome shadow. The words exchanged at the table echoed in your mind, leaving you grappling with a whirlwind of emotions.
"Y/N?"
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hey so I know someone who gets anxiety the moment someone expresses anger as an instinctual reaction would probably be best suited for Tim and Dick cuz of their temperaments. Jason isn’t an angry guy, but he is prone to expressing himself angrily quite easily. But how do you think Jason would deal with. Having a s/o who has playful banter with him and they can argue and it won’t get angry. They can handle dangerous situations. S/o’s trying to reasonably sort things out. But as soon as he ever starts getting angry at something, s/o stiffens and looks uncomfortable and mentally shut down?
Hi! Thank you for the ask! 💞 To answer this, I'll try to stick with the format you provided above (using S/O, "they" pronouns, etc).
While I do agree Dick or Tim are the obvious choices for a S/O like this, I do think that Jason would step up to the situation and, given a little time to learn, he would handle it well (let's not even touch on how Damien would react to this situation 😂):
Jason and his S/O get along great....most of the time. It's not easy dating a former Robin-turned dead guy-turned resurrected guy-turned mob boss-turned vigilante. But somehow, they make it work.
When small arguments do come up, voices may get raised slightly but it remains more of a sarcastic back-and-forth rather than a full-out fight, something Jason doesn't even realize is the case.
However, that calm style of arguing doesn't carry over to when Jason has discussions with his family. More often than not, Jason ends up screaming at at least one of the Batfamily when they get together. His approach to vigilantism still conflicts with Bruce's and there is still tension there around his death. But Jason usually visits his family by himself so it's not a problem...until it is.
One night, S/O goes with Jason to see his family. Everyone is down in the Batcave chatting when a recent criminal escape is brought up. Predictably, this devolves into a fight about how Bruce's way of handling criminals ends up with them back on the street.
Eventually, Jason gets fed up with the same old fight so he goes to leave...only to finally realize his S/O is nowhere to be found. After a quick search, he finds them in the kitchen with Alfred drinking a cup of hot tea. His S/O tells Jason that they didn't want to interfere in the Bat-dynamics and gave them all space. Jason buys this and they both go home.
It isn't until the next time he's on the phone with Dick that he realizes something is wrong. His S/O is watching tv on the couch as he takes his call in the other room. As the call goes on, things get more heated until Jason ends up hanging up and throwing the phone across the room with a yell. He storms out of the room but freezes as he notices S/O on the couch, curled into a ball yet tenser than he has ever seen them. But what really scares him is the vacant, wide-eyed look on their face as they stare at the floor.
Cautiously, Jason approaches them and sits on the couch next to them. Slowly, he places his hand on their knee. S/O finches but their glazed stare never wavers. Growing more concerned, Jason slides off the couch to kneel before them and tries to get them to look at him. When they still don't move, he places his hands on their face and tries to tilt their head towards him. It's only then that they cower back, emotion finally returning to their face. Only this time as they stare at Jason, it is fear etched into their expression.
They have never looked at Jason like that. Even when he told them everything he had done in the past, and that kills him he could have done something to make them scared of him. Softly, he asks what's wrong. For a minute, S/O doesn't say anything. Then, in a whisper Jason almost can't make out, they say, "I don't like when people get angry." Jason assures them he isn't angry at them, but they only repeat, "I don't like when people get angry."
That time, it clicks. Jason grew up with enough shitty people around to understand this isn't about him yelling at Dick on the phone. It's about something deeper, older. However, that doesn't mean he can't try his best to not let it affect things moving forward. In a calm, soothing voice, he asks if he can touch S/O. When they nod, he pulls them gently into his lap and promises that, moving forward, he'll try not to get angry when they are around. They nod into his chest and the two of them cuddle on the couch for a long time.
From then on, Jason tries to make a conscious effort to keep his anger in check when his S/O is around. He still messes up from time to time, but he does get better. And while there are moments when S/O has another reaction like they did that night, they can see how much Jason is trying and how he immediately shifts into caregiver mode the moment he realizes what's happening.
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drdemonprince · 1 month ago
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So I met a guy on a dating app. He’s also Autistic and we have a lot in common. Really hit it off and after some conversation he’s like To be honest I’m not looking for a relationship and I have someone else I really like but she’s not wanting a full on relationship either so we’re looking at ENM or maybe Poly but if that’s not your thing I understand. So I’m a bit disappointed but he’s sweet so I’m like ok let’s be friends.
Then it almost immediately gets sexual and we talk a lot about kink and fetish stuff that we seem pretty aligned with. Which is rare. We sexted a bit and it was great.
But today he told me he’s going on a date with someone. It’s actually a chick I also met off the the same app (I’m bi) but that didn’t bother me. What did bother me was that I got this instant reaction like upset that he was going on a date. It triggered something in me.
Not mad at all with him as he’s been super honest. But didn’t anticipate my own reactions.
So now I have to decide if I stop talking to him and let this go or if I try to move past it and enjoy the positive sides of our friendship.
We had tentative plans to meet in a few weeks time (we don’t live super close to each other). As a date but not a date.
Now I’m super confused about what to do. Especially as I really don’t meet many people that I vibe with and share similar “interests” with etc.
Just not entirely sure I’m built for the whole sharing thing…
Respectfully, it sounds like this dude fucking sucks ass at polyamory and doesn't know what the hell he's doing, and you're gonna get hurt.
First of all, he told you that he was poly because he is down bad for someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with him? And so what, he's using his other dating partners as some kind of emotional or sexual stopgap?
That's objectifying and downgrading his potential future partners, including you, from the very start -- and it's setting you up to always be in the position of offering him temporary succor from the unrequited desires he has for this other person, only to be sidelined when she IS giving him a lot of attention. Sure, it's great he's being honest or whatever -- but the situation he's inviting you into is honestly disrespectful. You were disappointed to learn about this situation from the start. That feeling is an important signal! He's made it clear that he's not actually emotionally available and will NOT be consistent with you, and believes he has no reason to be.
It's also quite telling that after he established the nature of his relationship with this other person, he pivoted to getting very overtly sexual with you. This makes me wonder a lot about the woman he is pining away for, and what the terms of their relationship is according to her. (because if they're agreeing to get ENM or poly together, that's a relationship! Even if she says it's not a relationship).
Did she tell him that she cares about him but that she doesn't want to fuck him? Is she just less available than he'd like her to be, in terms of time and number of dates? What the hell is this arrangement between the two of them, how much of it was her proposal versus his idea, and where the hell do you fit in in all that?
If two people aren't fully sexually compatible and both parties want to explore sex and kink outside of their relationship to one another, that's fine; I'm living in that situation and it works great. But you have to approach prospective sexual partners with equal respect as you would your pre-existing partner (or whatever the hell she is to him, since they say they're not in a relationship?), and be clear about what you are and are not available for. It seems to me he asked you to be some kind of non-monogoamous, not-exactly-romantic-but-intimate "friends" with one another, and then tried to transition you into being a kinky sex partner once you expressed you could work with that.
I don't mean to remove your agency from this or act as if this is all something he is doing "to" you, because you expressed some interest in him and said the sexual connection is there. But... how much of this arrangement or how any of this is going has had anything to do with you or your stated preferences? Are you just going along with the flow because he seems nice and you want to see some possibilities there and for each new curveball he's throwing you, you're having to find some new way to justify it and make sense of it? What about what you want? What about your feelings? Why do you not get to determine what the relationship even is or where it is going, and he does? Because he's not getting what he wants elsewhere? That's not a good reason. That has nothing to do with you.
It makes sense to me, in light of what a mess his handling of this has been, that when you found out he was also pursuing other casual sexual partners that you felt jealous. Perhaps seeing him seeking out other non-committal, kind of formless sexual encounters with other people made you worry that you were being seen and treated by him in the same way, or that you were basically just a cog he was trying to slot into place for the time being. Or maybe you already felt on some level that you weren't given primacy in your relationship -- because this is a relationship of a kind! -- and now you have to worry about a whole other person who he has his own feelings for and agendas about altering how he relates to you.
You're not in the driver's seat in this relationship, hell you're not even really being consulted -- he's just making decisions about the various women in his life that he's trying to have meet needs for him and plugging them in and out of those roles as it suits him. The actual arrangement you all have entered into could be completely fine if all parties actively wanted it and had clarity and control over their own positions -- I'm a non-monogamous but *not* polyamorous person who dates people casually, and so i explicitly seek out others who are looking only for casual sex, that kind of stuff is fine -- but instead, this guy seems to be just making his choices up on the fly based on when he's horny, or lonely, or who is around and easy to get to.
I think you're giving a lot more latitude to him than he deserves, here. I'm not saying you need to dump him if you don't want to, if the sex seems like it could be fun you should go for it -- but on your terms. What do YOU want out of this connection? How do you see it? How much quality time, consistency, and commitment do you need? How comfortable are you with being non-monogamous and what kind of non-monogamy do you actively *want*? Do you see this guy as a friend? A casual partner (but a partner nonetheless)? A fuckbuddy?
There's a significant distance between you two, you two have been talking a lot, you call him a friend, and you call your plans to get together a "date." This is a relationship, whether he likes to admit it or not, and that comes with responsibilities to treat one another well and be honest, and to respect the other person's needs. And he doesn't seem to be showing any sense of responsibility toward the people he is in relationships with, and maybe doesn't even see them as relationships at all? He might seem nice, but the way he is navigating all of this is very selfish and instrumentalizes other people -- and so I think you should listen to that feeling you have of insecurity, because it's signalling that he's put you in a very insecure place.
Tagging in my homie @pastimperfection who always enjoys yelling about people doing poly badly
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another-goblin · 9 months ago
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2.1 Spoilers, Aventurine analysis
I regret to say that I enjoyed Aventurine's story much less than I should have. And not because it was bad, but because it was spoiled for me by people who don't tag their leaks, mostly fanartists. People call it one of the best stories in the game so far, and I usually love emotional stuff like that, but instead I was just going through the motions. 
Yeah, child Aventurine, Aventurine in shakles, whatever, I've been forcefed all this stuff a month ago, I already saw dozens of arts of it against my will, let's move on. To all these artists - I hope not adding one little "hsr leaks" to your tags was worth it.
(speaking of which - my current goal is to unhate that new cowboy guy before he actively enters the story. Currently, I can't stand the sight of him, and for exactly the same reason, untagged leaks. He seems like a potentially great character, and he's already quite popular. And hating a popular character isn't fun at all)
But not to be too negative, even though I weren't allowed to enjoy 2.1 story as much as it deserves, I still liked it quite a lot, and it's a testament to how well written Aventurine is. 
One of the worst things you can do to a character is to make them emotionally static. Aventurine doesn't suffer from this at all, it's shown very well in the different ways he talks to people, and that's what I wanted to talk about.
The first way is what I call "slimey creep." It's the way he mostly talks in 2.0 to TB and most other characters, and he's quite antogonistic and unlikeable, probably because it's his goal to seem antogonistic and unlikeable.
Second is the fear and desperation that's always under the surface, carefully hidden, what his future self talks about - we can see it when Sunday does his harmony thing on him.
And third, my favorite, is what I call "disarming sincerity." Not that he's neseccerily insincere in his other modes, but this is his dippest self, hidden under all the layers of pain, fear, and cynicism. He shows it when he talks to his younger self (btw I don't usually go there, but it made me think that he'd be great with children.)
We also see him using it for self-defense - when Ratio goes too far in 2.0, he retorts with this seemingly naive "I didn't go to school and my parents "left" me", and Ratio immediately apologizes.
But most interestingly, he uses it with Ratio, most of the time they spend together in 2.1 up until the "betrayal.". 
It might be a deliberate ploy to manipulate him, trying to seem more likeable, to assure his loyalty (Ratio's reaction to "I didn't go to school" showed that he's quite susceptible to it).
It might come from his realization that the end is near, and why not just be yourself and have some fun for a change.
Or, of course, it might be because he actually enjoys Ratio's company and feels safe enough to show this hidden vulnerable side of himself.
The truth is probably somewhere in between.
They both joke and bicker (with Ratio remembering from time to time that he's supposed to show his "hatred" of Aventurine), and they both seem to really enjoy it. They argue about birds, Aven gets excited about the sandpit, and so on.
Let's take the joke Sparkle made about Aventurine and Sunday (about undressing and kneeling down) - it's mean and maybe even cruel, considering certain things from Aventurine's past that weren't directly implied but can be assumed, probably. And let's compare it with the joke he himself makes about him and Sunday ("now that I'm tiny I can hide on Sunday's clothes and spy on the Family, hehe, uwu"). It's a joke you'd expect from a child. Or from an adult who feels comfortable enough in your presence that they aren't afraid to seem childish or silly.
So yeah I'd really like to see them interact in a less stressful situation after these events. tbh I think they'd talk in more or less the same way. Aventurine already feels as safe and open around Ratio as he can allow himself to. And Ratio is too rigid in the way he speaks, he won't change that easily. 
In defiance of a tired stereotype of an eccentric genius who is bad with people, Ratio seems quite good at understanding them. What he's bad at is expressing his feelings in a "convencional" way.
(he only sounds sincere and emotional when he talks about abstract matters he's passionate about, like his little speech to Screwllum at the end of his quest. He probably sounds like that when he talks about science too.)
But when it comes to his feelings towards people he becomes even more formal and strict (remember his messages from the valentine's day event on twitter)
I can imagine his thought process after he leaves Aventurine in 2.1.
"I verbally expressed my concern to him, which should reassure him of my loyalty and support. Furthermore, I provided him with an insightful and reassuring message in written form. So he should be fine."
btw speaking of that note, when I read it, I can imagine Ratio saying "Do stay alive" aloud. But I can't imagine how he'd say the next line, wishing him luck. I mean, he can't say it in his usual "I'm tired of idiots" way of speaking, right? Something to look forward to.
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unabashegirl · 11 months ago
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Enticing 40 || Harry Styles
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Summary: Harry is a young billionaire and CEO of his own company. He mostly keeps to himself, he is stern and very meticulous when it comes to business. He also likes to keep his personal life very private for the sake of his newly born son Oliver Styles. It isn't until he meets Y/N Y/L/N that everything changes. She becomes his new nanny after his previous one quits due to personal reasons. She is young, caring, and sweet. Will they ignore their feelings? Will Harry's girlfriend accept their love and leave them? Will she be able to cope with his busy agenda? What about Oliver's mother? Where is she? Who is she?
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Harry had decided to meet up with his close friends Alessandro and Michael to share the exciting news that he was going to be a father. He was filled with a mix of emotions, from nervousness to sheer excitement, as he anticipated their reactions.
The three friends gathered at a cozy yet exclusive café in a corner of the city. The atmosphere was relaxed, and the clinking of coffee cups and distant chatter of other patrons filled the air.
As Harry explained the situation, Alessandro and Michael exchanged smiles and congratulated him warmly. Their genuine happiness and support meant the world to him.
“That's incredible news, Harry,” Alessandro said, a bright grin on his face. “Once again, you're going to be an amazing dad.”
Michael nodded in agreement. “Congratulations, mate. Parenthood is a beautiful journey.”
Harry beamed with gratitude for their kind words. “Thanks, guys. I couldn't be happier.”
However, as they continued chatting about the baby and future plans, an unexpected presence disrupted the joyful atmosphere. William, Harry's other friend, suddenly appeared at the entrance of the café.
Harry's expression instantly shifted, his warm demeanor turning cold. The tension between the two had been palpable for the last few weeks, and Harry had hoped to share his news with his friends before facing the inevitable confrontation with William.
William, aware of the gathering, made his way to their table. The atmosphere grew noticeably strained as he took a seat, exchanging polite but distant greetings with Alessandro and Michael.
Harry took a deep breath, his voice steady as he spoke to William, “I have some news, William. I'm going to be a father.” William already knew. In fact, he knew it before Harry. He had hidden it from Harry. Hence, the reason to why they had drifted apart the last few weeks.
William's reaction was unexpectedly stoic. He nodded and offered stiff congratulations before his gaze returned to the menu. It was clear that the news hadn't softened the coldness that had developed between the two friends over the last weeks. They both had lots to talk about and things to unpack. Harry wasn’t ready to have the conversation with William. He had felt betrayed.
William was offended that Harry had gotten angry at him. Y/N’s necessity to hide her pregnancy from him had nothing to do with Harry. She had wanted that way, and she had confided in William to keep the secret.
As the conversation continued, Harry felt a sense of disappointment and sadness. He had hoped that the news of impending fatherhood would mend some of the rift between them, but it seemed that the past grievances and resentment ran deeper than he had anticipated.
Amidst the lingering tension brought on by William's presence, Harry felt a sense of relief as Alessandro and Michael leaned in with genuine interest, eager to hear more about his impending fatherhood.
Harry's eyes lit up with pride as he recounted the journey he and Y/N had embarked upon. "It's been quite a rollercoaster, but I couldn't be happier. She's pregnant, and we've just confirmed that the baby is mine."
Alessandro's warm smile mirrored the happiness in Harry's eyes. "That's incredible news, Harry. You must be over the moon. How did you both react when you found out?"
Harry's voice was filled with affection as he recalled the moment. "It was a mix of shock and overwhelming joy. We both knew there was a possibility, but when we saw those test results, it made everything real."
Michael leaned forward, eager to learn more. "So, what are your plans? How are you going to manage with Oliver?”
Harry's smile remained, though he couldn't help but feel the weight of the logistical challenges ahead. "It's going to be a bit of a juggling act, I won't lie. Oliver and the new baby will be very close in age, so we're expecting some chaos. But we're committed to making it work”.
Alessandro's raised eyebrow conveyed curiosity. "How does Y/N feel about everything? I can imagine it's quite a lot to handle. She is going to be a first-time mom.”
Harry's eyes softened with affection as he thought about Y/N. "She's been incredible throughout this journey. But she's a natural with Oliver, and I have no doubt she'll be just as amazing with our new baby."
Michael chimed in with a grin. "It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to, mate”.
As the conversation continued, the camaraderie among friends provided a temporary reprieve from the complexities of Harry's family dynamics. Alessandro and Michael's genuine happiness and support served as a reminder that, despite the challenges ahead, he had unwavering friends by his side.
Amidst the laughter, shared stories, and excitement about the future, Harry couldn't help but feel a sense of gratitude for the moments like these — moments when he could revel in the joy of becoming a father once again.
As the conversation about Harry's impending fatherhood continued, the tension between Harry and William seemed to momentarily fade into the background. However, William, having remained silent until now, finally chimed in with a question that cut through the cheerful atmosphere.
He turned his gaze toward Harry, his tone measured as he asked, "Harry, are you going to tell your father about this?"
Harry's expression shifted slightly, and a shadow of unease crossed his face. His relationship with his father had always been complicated, marked by expectations, misunderstandings, and a lingering sense of disapproval.
Alessandro and Michael exchanged glances, sensing the complexity of the situation. They remained silent, allowing Harry to respond in his own time.
Harry took a deep breath, his voice carrying a hint of uncertainty as he replied, "I... I haven't decided yet. Dad and I, we've had our differences, and I'm not sure how he'll react to this news."
William's gaze remained fixed on Harry, his expression inscrutable. "You know he's your father, Harry. He deserves to know. He can’t find out through the press or the media. It has to be directly through you”
Harry nodded, acknowledging the truth in William's words, even if the prospect of sharing the news with his father filled him with apprehension. "I’m aware” Harry just hadn't gotten over what had happened in the Hamptons.
Their friends, sensing the weight of the conversation, offered their support. Alessandro spoke up gently, "Harry, it's a decision only you can make. But remember, this is your moment, your family. You should do what feels right for you and Y/N."
Michael echoed the sentiment. "And you have us, your friends, who will support you no matter what."
The cafe grew quiet as the friends sat with the weight of the conversation. Harry's relationship with his father was a longstanding source of tension, and the decision to share this significant news with him was fraught with uncertainty.
As Harry contemplated his next steps, he couldn't help but feel a mixture of emotions — a desire for understanding and acceptance from his father, and a determination to protect his growing family from any potential negativity. The path ahead was uncertain, but he knew that with the support of true friends, he would navigate it with grace and resilience. Maybe he would be calling his mother and sister first.
The soft glow of kitchen lights illuminated the cozy atmosphere of Harry's apartment as he and Y/N spent the evening together. Harry had taken it upon himself to cook a special dinner for them, and the tantalizing aroma of the meal filled the air.
Oliver, content on Y/N’s lap, giggled and played with his toys as Y/N watched over him with a loving smile. The warmth of the moment enveloped them, a stark contrast to the chaotic days that had preceded it.
As Harry moved gracefully around the kitchen, a sense of purpose filled him. He was excited about the future, about the family he was building with Y/N, and he couldn't wait to share this moment with her.
Finally, as he placed a beautifully plated dish on the kitchen island, he turned to Y/N with a warm smile. "Dinner's ready."
Y/N's eyes sparkled with appreciation as she glanced at the dish he had prepared. "You really outdid yourself."
Harry chuckled modestly as he joined her at the kitchen island, taking a seat beside her. "Well, I wanted to make tonight special."
Oliver, sensing the change in atmosphere, seemed equally excited, his bright eyes darting between them.
As they began to eat, the conversation flowed naturally. They talked about their plans for the baby's nursery, the upcoming doctor's appointments, and the joys and challenges of parenthood that awaited them.
Then, Harry broached a more serious topic. "I've been thinking. I'd really like to meet your mom. She's going to be a part of our lives now, and I'd love for her to get to know me."
Y/N's expression softened, and she nodded in agreement. “That means a lot to me. I think she'd appreciate that as well. I'll talk to her and arrange a meeting."
They continued their dinner, the warmth of their connection deepening with each passing moment. The challenges they had faced were still fresh in their minds, but at this moment, surrounded by the love they shared for each other and for Oliver, they knew that they were building a future filled with happiness, love, and the promise of a beautiful family.
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residentialsinyomakai · 4 months ago
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Obligatory refs + Info of my Yokai Watch Ocs (*^▽^*)
Under a cut because there's gonna be a lot of yapping and art stuffs....explodes +□+
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Caspian Hernandez || Any Prns || Watcholder
Basics:
The 15 year old 'basically Nate replacement' of this universe!
Lives in Blossom Heights mostly alone, parents are gone pretty often for one reason or another.
In addition, she lives with Baddinyan who is the only reason they're always out of Chocobars
Can see yokai through their glasses (ability can't be deactivated, but he has to focus on yokai for a few seconds in order to actually see/identify them)
Summons them w/ the Yopple-Brand summon band :'] (Customizable! That's why it looks like a disc attached to a Brute Bracer; because it basically is.) Insert disc into a slot in the side!! Whoopie!!!
Not very socially aware due to doing online school up until the age of like 12 (EVIL CAT interactions early on are constantly like 'lol that thing they said actually meant this you dork ahah you fool' 'hush weirdo I'm trying to focus')
((^ i mean in addition to that hes also based on me so like. Neurodivergent canon?? Maybe?? Idk i unintentionslly write characters like me sometimes
A bit goofy and switches moods easily. Some days can be pretty apathetic if she's in a slump.
Gameverse Friend Team of 6: Baddinyan (duh), Badude, Casanuva, Babblong, Tut'n'K'mon, and Rawry
VC: Unbearaboy! from the 'Yo-Kai Watch!' Sub (the blue one in this scene) ((yes I know it's goofy but it's the only clip I could find, skip past the beginning flashback 😭));
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Kerosque || He/Him || Formerly-Alive Yokai
Basics:
Water-Attributed Rank-B yokai of the Tough Tribe
Phrog is about in his upper 40's.
Inspirit; is kinda like when people tend to be kinda cold/curt in the mornings for seemingly no reason.
Runs a ramen stand someplace on the outskirts of Yo-kailafornia. (He's a pretty good chef too)
((He also has little custom pins you can get for free depending on who you are ^u^ a few of his customers/friends tend to.))
Uses his ladle (however you spell it) as a bit of a weapon thing. Comically large goofy ahh 😭
Doesnt go to the human world more often than he needs to. Too much everything
This man HATES stepping foot in downtown he does NOT wanna be there ever-
Kinda perpetually grumpy, resting mildly angry face. He tries to be polite but isn't very talkative at all lol
He does in fact croak. I love frog
Not pictured cause I forgot but like. Has a little swirly stomach pattern
Reoccurring yokai at his stand tend to be: Roughraff, Sick-Kun, Quinn, Ebi, Caspian, Master Oden, and occasionally Bruff.
VC: No clue yet, something along the lines of a higher version of Walrus Captain from A hat In Time, or a less enthusiastic Captain Caviar from Cookie Run? (If you got ideas, feel free!)
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Dread || He/They/Xe || Human-Born Yokai
Basics:
Drain-Attributed Rank-S yokai of the Shady Tribe
Inspirit; kinda similar to intrusive thoughs. Worse case scenario stuff, things that make you think you're an awful person, dreading situations or overthinking anything, etc etc
Is sighted quite a bit around high-schools. Hormones+anxiety+prime place for embarassment? Makes his job too easy
He has low empathy, but isn't completely incapable. Doesn't make a lot of friends and honestly he could care less either way.
Rather flippant, dry humor kinda guy, kinda similar to Jax from tadc for reference
He does have hair under there (i thought thatd be obvious but then again you'd probably also expect him to have skin and a chest/stomach under his hoodie so aifkwod), but it's usually kinda greasy.
Heart is a weak point in battle. If he ever let's it be exposed in the first place, that is
Cannot be seen by Caspian earlier in the story. Around the point I'd expect him to be in most of my drawings, he's at 'watch' Rank-B
Likes to taunt people, the easier to provoke the better. He feeds off of negative reactions and emotions for both entertainment and soul food nom nom
Usually a sad reaction is better than an angry one for him. If he finds someone's emotional weakness he most likely Will Exploit it XnX
While he doesn't care for anyone, he tends to harass Fuwhirl and Negatibuzz the least.
VC: Dont kill me but Raggedy Andy from Raggedy Anne's Musical Adventure
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Swiss || He/Him || Human-Born Yokai
Basics:
Electic-Attributed Rank-C yokai of the Eerie Tribe
Inspirit; is why people (usually kids) are picky eaters. This can look like randomly losing an appetite/ just finding several things repulsive/I'm bald/nuance/ref
Wanders around wherever. Lives in one of the Tranquility Apartments officially tho.
(Fuwhirl lives w him after they reunite <333 long story short they know him)
Has pretty poor eating habits himself tbh
Is edible!! Technically!!! He would not reccomend it (he's cake roll flavored :'])
The swirl in his hair can be dyed different colors.)
Going off of that, he can regenerate. Useful, but kiiiinda painful
He's a bit of an a-hole, and absolutely doesn't know when to shut up. He doesn't like to fight tho surprisingly (°>°)
Sarcastic and quick to snap back at someone =u=
(There's a strange old man he helps with experiments concerning his odd biology....he hasn't been posted yet but he belongs to my friend @sketchdeath22)
VC: lol idk
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Fuwhirl || They/Them || Object-Born Yokai
Basics:
Wind-Attributed Rank-D yokai of the Mysterious Tribe
Inspirit; Makes people dizzy either randomly or after standing up ×□×
Lived at a circus for a while, but eventually it moved out of town. After a bit of aimless wandering they found their way to Blossom Heights 🌸!!!
Kinda stumbles when they walk, it's worse when they're distressed but a bit more easy to navigate when they're happier &u&
Naive, likes to think anyone's nice under the surface +▽+
Is kinda like Tattletell's in the way he had to be latched on to you to be effective. Typically via a backpack
Has one of those build-a-bear hearts inside him!!! Whoopie :)
VC: Uhhh I forgot atm but I will come back and edit lol
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Anyways, that's not including my like 'ocified versions of pre-existing characters' agsgydirofor I love yapping about ocs!!! Wahoo :)
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ultraviolet-cello · 1 year ago
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I'm gonna be honest guys, I looked at today's episode and was like Oh No because Episode 9 is my Achilles heel. not that there's nothing to say about it. But that there's so much To say abt it lmao. While 6 & 7 are my favourites, Knives is a character that I see soooooo much like. I need to put him under my microscope.
Anyway, today's analysis/detail watch/@tristampparty is episode 9 - Millions Knives.
Spoilers for Trimax and Tristamp, CW for uh. Knives in general, and enjoy!
It's probably just the angle here, but Knives does look marginally shorter in this shot, and it's extremely funny to me
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Okay I did just get jumpscared by being in dub for some reason I was looking for the subtitles and heard English and had The Most dramatic reaction. okay we're normal now.
Knives,,,, Knives Knives Knives,,,, so I, once again, think that the narrative is working against him. It's interesting, then, I guess, that he's the only main character in Tristamp who doesn't get the portrayed-as-younger treatment in Tristamp.
Knives here is experiencing things that Trimax Knives only did way way later; the last run in particular. Trimax Knives witnesses a last run and starts fusing with other Plants midway through Trimax. This scene in Tristamp, however, takes place just 5 years after the Big Fall.
Trimax Knives ends up like he does by spiraling very very quickly after he starts fusing (And he was dead/in a coma for 20 years!); Tristamp Knives, however, has had at least 145 years to build up his power, build up his hatred, go down that spiral. No 20 years of being dead, just alllll that.
In that respect, Tristamp Knives is Trimax Knives taken to the end of that spiral, the extremist endpoint that Trimax Knives never quite achieved because of Vash - he never really had the time to reach the end of the spiral and settle in it, whereas Tristamp Knives has had that going for again, 145 years.
It's a fun inversion of what's going on in Trimax actually - the 20 years between July and the present are what gives most of the main cast their development and personality - They've had the time to develop those coping mechanisms, trauma responses, their characterizations past all the traumatic things that have happened.
Trimax Knives isn't present for those 20 years, he's down and out for the count. So that 20 years of Important development does not apply to him, making him the least Progressed character in Trimax actually.
So to have Tristamp Knives be the inversion of that is really fascinating, because it applies to how extremist he's willing to go, and how,,,, Bad[tm] the actions he takes are.
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Some Knives characterization things that I see criminally overlooked are that,,, well, Vash struggles with empathy sometimes, but Knives often feels things far too much, as in a hyper-emotive or overstimulated state (he's autistic ur honour), which is what contributes to his overall spiral - he's so emotionally driven that he doesn't recognize the emotional weight behind his decisions anymore. I don't think he knows quite how much his grief and anger contributes to how he says he hates Rem. He doesn't really explore that but instead just turns it into motivation for himself.
Anyway him feeling things Way too hard is an entire mood and Studio Orange did an incredible job with his expressions.
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Like for example, in this sequence he looks like he's about to physically Gag in response to seeing the Plant die
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Or this one, where he looks like he's about to cry but shoves his hood over his face hurriedly in case he does. Daily reminder that Knives was the kid who cried a lot
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So Vash steps in in the middle of Knives' little breakdown, but he hasn't really Seen that breakdown. To him, Knives is immediately just spouting about how humans are so bad, but from Knives' POV he just watched his sister die while the humans who surround him are unapologetic and uncaring. And that's gotta be devastating for Knives, because Vash really does not understand the context of the situation here. I think that gets to Knives a little bit, and unpauses his breakdown.
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The other thing that really cements the Absolutely God Awful Time that Knives is happening is the guards going to grab him. We've already seen Knives be relatively adverse to touch (looking uncomfortable when Rem grabs him), and now he's having a really bad day, he's experiencing Trauma^2, and people just Grab him? Not to be dramatic but I understand the urge to start killing
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But he also,,,, doesn't resort to violence first. He literally appeals to everyone's sense of heart, he points out that the Plants are crying out, can't you hear it? And then nobody listens, nobody comes to help him, and at this point there's probably a lot of fear.
A bunch of humans have turned up who are,,, apparently happy to exploit plants, conrad knows he's a plant, and he's being restrained by several people. That's a really scary position to be in, especially if you happen to have seen what happened to, oh, I don't know, Tesla?
Self-defense, in this case, would surely be justified to him.
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Also the scene of Knives attempting to get Vash to shoot someone with a gun is a 98-only detail which I love actually - 98 has its moments, even if it's only 3rd in my Top Triguns list! (I love 98 to be clear, I just like Trimax and Tristamp more)
Vash tells Knives that he lost Rem because Rem was protecting Vash, and That's Not A Great Thing To Hear. Knives loved Rem very much and now Vash is telling him that yeah, she's dead because of him. Which he'd definitely known before, but it's such a gut punch to hear your own brother say that, scream it in your face even. Your mother is dead because of you. She was only protecting Vash.
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And again, that too much emotion spills over into just inescapable grief and rage that goes into violence and taking it out on Luida which. Yeah. Yeah.
Tristamp fascinates me in that Knives actually has a genuinely good reason to amputate Vash's arm - he's in a haze, and he needs to think quickly, nobody else can do anything, and if that arm goes off it could evaporate everything in the immediate vicinity. So yeah chop chop. It's not a great solution, of course, but it's the quickest one he's got, and also starts desensitizing Knives to violence he commits against Vash. Because, of course, if this one piece of harm had saved Vash's life (which it probably did), then everything else that Knives does is also saving him, right? Right?!
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Why does Vash get like. B cups in this scene and only this scene. Top ten questions science can't answer /j
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Godddd okay Meryl and Roberto's reaction to seeing plants is,,,, It's nice, actually. I like that Roberto gets to see hope and flora before he dies. I like that the last positive, lovely thing that he gets to experience is the hope of the world. Even if he denies it.
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God, Knives telling Vash that he's the reason for the big fall really did a number on him huh. The man is powered on 17 guilt complexes, CPTSD, and bisexuality
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worms took her tights can't have shit in noman's land
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Roberto also cracks a lot of jokes all the time I miss him. He's so deeply unserious half the time and the other half he's mysterious as fuck. Love this guy. But also the fact that he does try to,,, make the situation better for Meryl by joking with her is very sweet.
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Wolfwood has. 0 experience in riding a Thomas because he was never given transport again,,, Why waste fuel and animals when the Punisher can just walk the desert himself? He's not human enough to die of it. ghrngrhgnrgrngrnnnnn
God that's gonna be so good when he gets Angelina though. His own transport,,,,
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Zazie doing the lord's work by putting Aotearoa New Zealand front on the Worm Globe, we're so often left out of maps lmao
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Alright I have spent some time condensing that Knives rant and it's still. a Lot lmao. Anyway that was my Normal-About-Knives episode, next is my Normal-About-Roberto episode, which I'm super hyped for! yippee!! yay!!!
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wildpeachfarm · 5 months ago
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yesh i totally agree i think people are not wanting to compare cases for that and bc some feel Bad comparing two different cases but people are not comparing to Say beau is like caiti. Some are doing to show what Even Beau Said if i remenber correctly that he would be a good person if he ackwonledge her hurt and offered an apology. I don't think it's SA just like what happened to caiti but his reaction to her hurt and his Friends reaction are the differences that make them shitty.
I general i know people on social media have difficulties being calm about anything bc being on apps that wants US to feel strong emotions and being online 24 hrs fucks up out ability to take things slowly, that's why i thank people like You for keeping the calm and being reasonable
Yes I definitely think emotions will always take over people in these situations and people will never learn to just sit back and look at the facts and lay everything out.
And I don't think people are comparing Beau to Caiti at all (at least I'm definitely not lol) but I do think the similarities in situations need to be talked about because this is yet another situation of mixed signals, and perceived consent, and a claim of SA that I'm not sure is entirely accurate to the facts of the situation (although again, I will reserve my opinion until we hear from all sides because there is always three sides to a story: person A's side, person B's side, and the truth)
Again, this all centers around a lack of communication from either side in the moment and, in this situation specifically, his inability to accept that he did hurt her even if it was unintentional and his lying about it and isolating her was probably the worst thing he could've done in response. That doesn't make him look like a good person.
I think overall we need to be rid of the black-and-white thinking about defining SA when you are making public accusations like this because not only does it muddle the definition, but it doesn't take into account well-meaning individuals who got incredibly mixed signals (like beau saying she had dreams of kissing him and that they should act them out which /could/ be a signal of wanting this guy to kiss her). We are completely removing "innocent until proven guilty" in the eyes of twitter by saying "it's SA and I won't hear otherwise" which is ....not good at all lol (because as soon as that's the normal standard, we are truly fucked and marginalized groups WILL be the first target of this- as they have been repeatedly in the past)
Also, I'm going to take a page from Britanny Simons on this because it's always an important disclaimer to add to discussions about consent and verbal consent in romantic situations: most of the world does not ask for consent before kissing someone. That's just a fact of life. It's a very "online" concept to ask for verbal consent before giving someone a peck on the lips.
Would it be great if people thought of consent more in dating culture? yes of course! But that's just not the reality of where we are in the timeline of society right now. So I think some people also need to be more realistic, and understanding, and give people the benefit of the doubt more instead of assuming malice and assault right off the bat. It does no one any good. It actually just leads to more emotional and mental distress in the long run.
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