#There was a baby involved and I cannot even begin to describe the hell that was those convos

[whatwooshkai]

this is a PSA to writers, not just tf ones:

please PLEASE do not overwrite accents. if you’re trying to convey one, add things here or there, drop the g in -ing, say “ya” or “‘a” instead of “of”, but I am BEGGING you to leave it at that. I read a fic with a character’s dialogue that was so over-accented it was unintelligible. It wasn’t even English anymore. I genuinely could not understand a single word they said. Remember. We are not hearing them speak. We cannot ask them to repeat themselves more coherently. Write for the reader

[rivetingrosie4]

what must it be like to reach under the covers and find someone there? 💔

To say I am lonely for touch and love doesn't begin to describe it. I am never ever, ever touched, any kind, even the smallest way. The closest thing I get is my mother brushing my hair sometimes, when I beg her. She doesn't understand that I'm desperate because it's all the physical contact and affection I ever get in this pitiful life. That doesn't even really count; it's the brush touching me. No one on Earth has any reason to touch me.

I cannot put into words how lonely I am for touch that lasts. Touch that doesn't go away in 0.2 seconds after going months of 0.0. Touch with a person who loves me, that I don't have to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. And what makes it harder and more deeply terrifying is I know I will never get anything like that. I know it as a fact. For me, it is all pure fantasy.

I do not want to kiss or have sex with a stranger!!! Why the hell is that so hard for people to understand?! 💔💔💔

I try to find ways to try to communicate to people what I'm experiencing. I do not have hope for good things. I literally cannot see good possibilities for me for the future. So for me, there's no difference between the words "I do not hope" and "I do not have hope." Because for me, it's very real. For me, it feels as strong as reality. I do not have hope of meeting anyone who can love me. I do not have hope of having children. These were my dearest dreams in all of life, the ones that have made up my soul from the beginning. I don't know what to say when people try to encourage me by saying I may meet someone in the future. I longed for a relationship with someone in which I could know him as well as possible, and this meant I dreamed of a loving relationship with someone from a somewhat younger age. That dream is already dead. I dreamed of carrying my own baby and being an energetic, strong, and capable birth mother. That dream dwindles and fades every year. I have been living with a mixture of fear, panic, and sorrow; and the.more time goes by, it's becoming only sorrow. It's a strange kind of grief, for no one that ever was or may ever be.

More and more and more, I've been coming to realize that there are additional, even more serious things that keep me from finding and experiencing love than just my looks. The older and older I get, everyone around me is married. Then, some are divorced with kids, which I have sincere concerns about getting involved with and simply don't want to. Then, everyone my age has extensive romantic relational and sexual experience. (I know that even the relational side must be a really big deal, because the older we get, the more settled we are in our daily routines, beliefs, and comforts.) No one my age wants someone with 0.000% experience in either of those things. No one. NO. ONE. Who wants to be with a 30+ person who has never had sex, never been in a relationship, never been on a date, never kissed, never even held hands?! Honest to God, who would ever want someone like that! It will only get worse and worse.

And while all of that's true, here I am, someone who would need much more trust—relational and experiential trust—with someone than the average person to feel comfortable, at ease, and loved. None of this adds up to the remotest possibility of me even getting a chance to know and experience love with someone. Because no one wants someone like me, and the older I get, the worse and worse it will be.

I am now so remote in the world, it's not even a question of a possibility for me. I'm alone in nearly every way a person can be, and am having to look at being alone through forever. I cannot put into words how thoroughly hopeless and despairing I feel and am. And what makes being this deeply lonely and alone even more painful, is that by necessity, I must go through that alone too. There is no one beside me each day. It's just me. I only live in my head. I don't know how I'm going to make it all the way to the natural end of life like this. I don't. 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

Not even to mention my dear dreams and deep longings for a child, which is pure fantasy and not remotely possible either because of all this.

I cannot begin to imagine lovemaking; I can only guess. This is why it's often so painful for me to write or read smut.

And then when I try, when I really try hard to immersively imagine loving touch and lovemaking, I think of how overwhelmingly wonderful it must be—how filled with violently intense, vivid emotions it could be for me: love, longing, fear, desire, joy, passion, terror, not to mention finally being physically connected and touched with an entirely other human's body. And what if I were to cry? What if it were so overwhelming for me, that I cried? And what if it freaked him out, enough that he threw me away? Just like almost everyone else has.

Any kind or amount of loving touch is just a fantasy for me. It's only a fantasy.

[a-very-fond-farewell]

Ok, new profile picture new me I guess! so here I am considering to make a list of all the wips I have under my belt just to hold myself accountable (while simultaneously convincing my stupid brain I have no time to join a new fandom... I’m looking at you Evilive):

Let’s split this between fandoms shall we?:

Word of Honor:

- Children of the Red Dust: the modern!au where ZZS is trying to adopt ZCL but WKX’s job as a Mergers & Acquisitions lawyer gets in the way, with a sprinkle of traditional chinese opera on top

20/33 chapters already done, a new one on the way. I feel vaguely positive about this and I think I can manage updating before the end of the year or the beginning of the next. I’ve updated very little this year, compared to 2022 but.. I do love the story and I want to see it through;

- They Got Exits Covered: the sci-fi!au where the author knows nothing about omegaverse trope etiquette and rolls with it anyway

2/3 chapters already done......... fellas is is bad that I can’t bring myself to finish this one? I have re-written the last chapter at least 5 times, I discovered that I hate writing smut (unfathomable, ik, considering I have written even 45k of dirty sex in the past) if it involves baby-making (??), and I hate myself every minute that I have to sit and work on this project so.......... it will take some more time I fear. the premise was good, we stan a good premise and I love the vibe I got going on but.. meh. we will see;

- (unnamed project 1): aka the noir!au that I really want to bring to the surface but currently have no energy to plan out

0/0 done, none, nada. this one is fun bc I really want to write it and I got at least two chapters done in my drafts already. I wanted shorter chapters for this one, little to no dialogue, more ambiance and vibes than plot.. it’s so close to get started...! but I want to PLAN this right. never been much of a planner tho. idk where to start. does anyone know how to go beyond the ‘plot-points checklist’ phase? bc that’s honestly all I can muster for this one and it frustrates me to no end.

Winter Begonia:

- The Way Home: which is the retelling of the entire drama, episode by episode, through the lenses of a heavier, more overt romantic vibe between the leads (basically a drama retelling with additional historical context from the novel and my own research)

14/49 chapters done and I have already drafted most plot points up to the 25th.. but see my issue here. I love this fic. I. Love. This. Fic. but I cannot focus on it until Children of the Red Dust is done, bc I need multiple steps to get this over with:

need to rewatch the drama diligently, while taking notes (would really like a dvd set of this one, but subs alas..);

need to use the existing dialogue of the show and put it on the page, describing how characters move and react on screen;

add my own new fresh scenes to the already existing plot, which takes a lot of time;

research the hell of the time period and the details of the traditional opera technicalities (bc I’m not very smart, I love to suffer and I love this stuff too much to care);

come up with ways to tie everything up nicely without it sounding cringe;

read the actual novel to tweak things and fill up details from side characters’ lives and.. if you know the original story you probably know how annoying some of the characters are, which makes it difficult to handle at times.

so....l..........I need me time to mentally prepare for that ok? but it’s a long term project and I don’t care if I have no readers. I’m cool;

- Everything will Bloom: aka the follow-up to The Way Home............so it means I have to finish that one first

2 drafted chapters done already. but I need me TONS of research for this baby. it will be set in the early 50’s so I want to get this right. which means that I am reading everything I can and sourcing everything I come across as I go and I’ve been doing this for almost 3 years now. I’m not messing around. I want these characters to have a life after the epilogue!

MDZS:

- necRomance: the crack au people still reblog from my tumblr, the idiotic one, you know the gist

80/100 chapters done, not picking it back up. I don’t care for it anymore, it was a crack project anyway. also, not a fan of receiving comments and get excited to open the inbox just to be told to go fuck myself for not finishing this one. so uncool mate! totally got me out of the fandom. I don’t think I’ll ever get back to it so.. yeah. pick your battles folks *shrugs emoji*

STUFF I AM TOTALLY NOT PLANNING DESPITE BEING BUSY WITH IRL STUFF/RESEARCHING/WORKING ON WIPS:

that one Good Omens human!au inspired by an Italian comedy I am not writing;

that one Evilive fix-it I am not fantasizing about on the daily and I really want to dig my teeth into rn;

that one (extremely unnecessary) [insert classic Victorian novel title] epilogue retelling I’ve not lost sleep researching for;

(3 hypothetical original works that will definitely never see the light of day)

———

and that shall be all folks :D please admire my new profile picture, which I took from the manga She loves to cook and She loves to eat and edited to have a sense of continuity with my previous one (which was Jin Ling from the MDZS manhua). please get yourself a treat after reading this! and check out any of my current projects on ao3 if you’d like but please read the tags! most of my stuff is pretty heavy and at times either obscenely long or dead-dove-ish so.. please be careful!

- Niki (they/them) on my way to 30. can I get a wahoo??

my AO3: humble_prompt_machine

[georgiaswarr]

jimmy kaga-ricci part 3 (part 1 / part 2)

the lucky one - taylor swift

“and they tell you that you’re lucky, but you’re so confused / 'cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used / and all the young things line up to take your place // another name goes up in lights / you wonder if you’ll make it out alive //...// it was a few years later, i showed up here / and they still tell the legend of how you disappeared / how you took the money and your dignity, and got the hell out” this song is narrated like a sort of folk tale about an elusive star who was told by everyone around them how lucky they were, while in reality they felt far from it, so much that they ended up having enough of fame and its pains and running off. basically, a tale about jimmy piero kaga-ricci

let go - beau young prince

“sometimes i don't really know myself / devil on my back, pray for me, need help / angel in the front tryna guide my steps / who do you call when you need some help? / who do you call when you by yourself? / who do you call when you feel down low? / i just wanna scream, i just wanna explode / i, i just wanna let go” this perfectly encapsulates jimmy’s inner turmoil throughout the whole book, more or less. he’s reached a low point in his mental health, is being pushed and pulled around by various people, feels alone and just wants to run off. which, you know, he does.

the other side - alessia cara

this is a song about wanting to run away and make a better life for yourself. i like the use of “the other side” because i think of this song as jimmy literally going from one side of the window to the other. it’s the soundtrack to him climbing out of the bathroom, basically

to seattle - morningsiders

“i left my peace of mind / in the back seat of a station wagon / when you don't get what you want / that's who you are, there you have it / we were all born at the wrong time / but that's done and over / drive, please just drive / the seat-belt digs into my skin // if that was a cold goodbye / it's just because the future isn't good / i cannot tell a lie / and there's no telling if we'll make it” jimmy has left everything behind on a whim and is making his great escape

you better believe!!! -declan mckenna

religious symbolism, themes of death, what you worship not being what it’s made out to be in modern society, a station, you better believe this song has it all!!! i’m sure essays could be written comparing this to iwbft but this post is long enough already rip

angel - coco zandi

this describes how jimmy feels about angel - she’s sort of like a guiding light for him, helping him escape the hordes of fans at st pancras and escape to kent. he thinks of her as a literal angel in a way

seattle - jonah taylor

okay how many songs about north american locations even are on this playlist anyway you know how jimmy talks about his sister who’s at university in the states and doesn’t really want anything to do with him? this song is about her. on that note, i really need to find out more about her and their relationship asap

marjorie - taylor swift

*squints at my own playlist* now WHO put such a fucking sad song on you, i would like to exchange some words with them it’s,,,,,, it’s about joan

pilgrimage - bjéar

homophobically i can’t find the lyrics to this but vibes. religion. there’s an “i’ve got a whole lot of money” in there. you know the gist.

i want to break free - queen

“but i have to be sure / when i walk out that door / oh, how i want to be free, baby / oh, how i want to be free / oh, how i want to break free” that’s.... that’s jimmy :)

home - ella eyre

a song about jimmy finally making it home to piero and finally being able to relax, even though the world was breaking down around him in london

class of 2013 - mitski

another song about being back with your parental figure and the comfort that comes with it, for jimmy at least. there’s an element of smallness attached, he just wants to be curled up and be cared for like when he was a child

urs - john-robert

bicci song !! “love me sober” because i’m guessing jimmy  wants lister to be clean before they can begin anything serious. this also ties in to the line “and get me higher than you would ever, you would ever, you would ever need to” “but devotion's like an ocean that's swallowing me, swallowing me whole” - here we’ve got the ever-present water motif; there’s a lot of angst and fear involved in their relationship, be that due to their mental health or the fact that they’re in a band together, etc.

goodbye yellow brick road - elton john

to quote the genius annotation, this song is one about “wanting to give up a life of opulence for a simpler life away from all the glitz and glamour“ and breaking free from that, as jimmy more or less does in the end

don’t take the money - bleachers

i made this playlist ages ago so i don’t remember every reason a song is on there but i’m assuming this is another bicci song. the lines “i slept on my own those nights / was still in my parents' house / and i cut off my t-shirt sleeves / and claim a new continent” reminds me of jimmy’s running-back-to-kent extravaganza as well

people watching - smallpools

“my momma told me / if you find some fame / don't start the cocaine // don't need an island / or a private plane / to bet to these days” another song about appreciating the simpler thing in life despite fame which i’m guessing was my logic when putting it on here. i probably just wanted an excuse to shout this absolute banger of a song out which well done, past me xx

god save our young blood - børns

finishing off with another religious symbolism song yeehaw

[solar-pxwered]

A List Of Norman Reedus Movies/Shows I Have Seen And My Opinions On Them

1. The Boondock Saints

The Best. A classic. Bloody and inappropriate and if I remember my count correctly, contains 194 “fucks” or variations of it (this movie certainly illustrates the diversity of the word). Terrible Irish accents. A KICKASS soundtrack. Willem DeFoe crossdressing. Dropping toilets on people’s heads. Over the top action sequences. Cheesy dialogue. Campy as fuck. I freakin’ love it.

2. The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day

Some people didn’t like this one as much as the first one, and I admit that I wasn’t as fond of the new detective in this one as I was of Smecker...but, overall, I really enjoyed it and I drove 2 hours to see it in theaters. I love Romeo more than Rocco. The humor was on point. It was nice to see the original actors for Doc, Dolly, Duffy and Greenley. There was more terrible Irish accents, another KICKASS soundtrack, cheesy dialogue, over the top action sequences, still campy as fuck. I freaking love it.

3. The Walking Dead

Cannot even describe how much I love this show. I have ALWAYS loved zombie related shows and movies so this show was right up my alley from the very beginning all the way back in 2010. I watched it religiously every Sunday. I adore this roller coaster ride of a show and I especially adore Daryl, Carol and Jerry. This show has it all: Comedy, drama (hella lots of that), tragedy and triumph...and it never fails to pulls me in and hold my interest.

4. Mimic

Honestly, I saw this a LONG time ago and I hated it because...well, because I have a cockroach phobia, ok?! Don’t judge. Norman’s part was pretty small, not one of his lasting impressions on me.

5. Six Ways To Sunday

This is a weird one. It’s about an overly innocent 18 year (played by Norman) who gets involved in the Mob and develops an alter ego that’s violent and his complete opposite. There’s murder, prostitutes and good ol’ fashioned mother-son incest and it wasn’t a movie I suggest for the lighthearted or anyone with those sort of triggers. 

That being said, I watched the whole thing and didn’t hate it. It was just uncomfortable...as seems to be a theme with Norman Reedus movies.

6. Dark Harbor

This fucking movie...

Ok, so, I’ll be straight with you: I really enjoyed this dumbass movie. It had me guessing right up to the very end and it took me on a very strange ride along the way. 

If watching someone sexually feed a woman a poisonous mushroom, lots of dark eyed staring scenes or Norman Reedus making out with Alan Rickman is your thing, then go for it. 

7. Let the Devil Wear Black

It’s modern Hamlet. What else is there to say? If you like Hamlet, you’ll like this movie. If you like pre-car accident, baby face Reedus with the black hair, you’ll like this movie. I liked it.

8. 8MM

You know what the best thing about this movie is? Nicholas Cage. He steals the damn show no matter what movie he’s in and no one can even deny that fact. Norman’s part in this one is pretty small too but I liked this movie anyway because...well, Nick Cage. Enough said.

9. Bad Seed

I honestly can’t remember how this movie ends, all I remember was that it wasn’t at all how I expected it. I liked this movie because it’s a psychological thriller and that’s my most favorite genre of all time. The movie’s premise is a guy suspects his wife of having an affair and comes home one night and finds her murdered so he goes after her lover (Reedus) to try and kill him because he believes he was the one who killed her. It’s a cat and mouse chase sort of thing...now I need to rewatch it because I can’t, for the life of me, remember how it ends.

10. Gossip

Ok, no JOKE, this is the best movie I ever randomly discovered and I can’t believe how many people have never heard of it! It’s got some big names in it (Lena Headey, Norman Reedus, James Marsden and Kate Hudson to name a few).

It’s a psychological thriller/mystery drama in which three friends start a rumor at their school as a social experiment for their class. The rumor grows, however, and suddenly it’s out of their hands and spiraling out of control. People start getting hurt, reputations get dragged through the mud and then it escalates to the point of someone losing their life. The three main characters {Reedus, Headey and Marsden) try to figure out the truth behind the out of control rumors and discover more than they ever imagined, or ever wanted.

I HIGHLY recommend this movie. I really, REALLY do. The ending is one of the best twists I’ve seen in a LONG time.

11. The Beatnicks

This movie is so weird. It’s like...it’s just really weird. It revolves around two beat poets who find a magic box that somehow magically helps them get good at being poets but it’s like...an evil box and so they decide to only use it once and then get rid of it. Yeah, it’s a weird movie. Not my highest suggestion.

12. Blade II

Ok, if you’ve never seen the Blade Trilogy then I just don’t even know what to tell you. 

My favorite of the three movies, Blade 2 gives us the glorious Reedus character of Scud, the pot smoking, horrible-shirt-wearing, mechanical genius and Blade’s sidekick. Not only is he precious and adorable, the movie in all is enjoyable and has a fun rave-esque soundtrack. 

The one thing I hate? *SPOILER ALERT* Scud’s scummy betrayal.

13. Tough Luck

This is another one of those movies that I liked but it’s just so freaking weird. 

It’s a psychological drama where a down on his luck con artist, Archie (Reedus), tries to rip off a carnival worker and gets caught. As punishment, he’s hired to work at the carnival  to pay off the debt. He gets involved in a scheme to murder the owner’s wife, but falls in love with her in the process.

Things go to shit. He gets the short end of the stick. More plots and lies develop. It’s all twisted until the end and the answers fall into place.

I really like this movie, it’s one that I kept and still have my copy of. 

A word of warning though, never leave this movie on your movie shelf for your father to find and watch while you’re away at college, resulting in your mother calling you and asking you why you have such a nasty movie. Because the sex scene at the end is OUTRAGEOUS. I mean, it is the FUNNIEST fucking sex scene I have ever seen in my life and I can’t ever watch it without cringing and laughing. My mother, however, didn’t think it was funny at all and my father was too shocked to even form a sentence.

I highly suggest this trippy as hell movie.

14. Octane

Ok, to be fair, this movie is actually alright, although Norman’s character gets the shittiest death possible. I mean, imagine dying because some psycho vampire kisses you and bites your tongue out. That’s one shitty death.

But, overall, this is a good thriller. Johnathan Rhys Meyers plays the villain and he’s always pretty quality. The story is basically a teenager has a disagreement with her mom and gets picked up by this drugged up, blood sucking, vampire wannabe cult and indoctrinated joining them. Her mother joins up with a tow truck driver (Reedus) whose daughter was also kidnapped years ago and who has been hunting the cult down ever since. 

It was a cringe filled, yet interesting, movie and I didn’t hate it.

15. John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns

This is John Carpenter....OF COURSE I liked this one. 

I won’t say what it’s about because that would ruin the story, but it’s part of an anthology and John Carpenter loved Norman’s role so much he STILL talks about it today and suggests Norman to people in the industry.

It’s a good one if you’re into horror shorts or anthologies or the genius of the legend that is John Carpenter.

16. A Crime

I had completely forgotten about this movie until I started making this post, but now that I remember...I REALLY liked this one!!

This is a pretty sad one, but it was very good and Norman’s acting in it is absolutely wonderful. His character’s wife was murdered and the suspect was never found so his neighbor, who really likes him, creates a fake culprit so that he can finally get some closure. 

This is a good one. I suggest this one if you’re in the mood for a strange sort of romance movie that has underlying thriller tones.

17. Moscow Chill

I remember watching this one, and I remember enjoying it, but I honestly can’t remember anything about it except that it’s a Russian film in which Norman plays a computer hacker who gets hired to hack into a Russian bank and gets caught and put in prison. But I honestly can’t remember what happens in detail.

If you like foreign movies with hacking and subterfuge plots, then give it a try because I do remember enjoying it while I watched.

18. Red Canyon

This one is kinda fucked up. Imagine Daryl Dixon mixed with Breaking Bad mixed with Deliverance and you’ve pretty much got the story...

A brother and sister return to their mother’s hometown to settle things and put their horrible past behind them...but upon returning they end up reliving the nightmare all over again.

It’s a good thriller/horror watch, but there are scenes of sexual violence so if that’s not something you can handle, then don’t watch this one.

19. Hero Wanted

This. Is. A. GOOD. Movie.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is the lead and he does an AMAZING job. Gooding’s character is a garbage man who falls in love with a girl who never takes any notice of him. To get her attention, he stages a heist in which he is supposed to jump in, save the day, and win the girl...only the heist turns out to be real and he is shot and the girl is also shot in the process. He sets out for revenge and gets in way over his head.

Norman’s part in this isn’t very big...but HOLY SHIT, was it impactful. His character didn’t have a lot of screen time, in comparison to a lot of other people, but he had a solid backstory and reason for being involved and MY GOD did I cry about it. This was actually the first movie of his I watched AFTER discovering Boondock Saints and it solidified my love for his acting abilities.

A very good watch. Highly suggest.

20. Messengers 2: The Scarecrow

This one is pretty ok, actually, as far as lame horror movies go. 

The plot is simple: Blonde, beardy, corn farmer Norman gets slowly driven insane by the haunted scarecrow in his field that he thinks putting up is a good idea for some damn reason. He starts to get more and more violent and rapey as time goes on until his family is forced to take up arms against him.

It’s not bad. Second part in what I THINK is a trilogy? I’ve only ever seen the first two. If you like horror movies then this one is a good watch. As I mentioned though, there is an attempted rape scene in this one so just be aware.

21: Pandorum

It’s an alien movie. Astronauts run into a species that is stronger and hungry for tasty humans. Shepard (Norman’s character) doesn’t make it out alive. If you’re not in the mood to see Norman get LITERALLY gutted or other characters get nommed by aliens, then don’t watch.

If you ARE, then go ahead and watch, because it was pretty alright.

[eydika]

Main Character Asks for Baby, Never, and Bean, since I am already getting all the Dawn lore: 14, 3, and 23

no title card i need to draw that's preventing me from answering this time, what a feeling!! thank u for sending these i owe u my life ✨

3. How would they react to their LI falling asleep with their head on their shoulder?

She’d be pretty happy about that! Most likely, she’d already been caressing her LI in some way, maybe playing with his hair or holding his hand, so if he fell asleep that’d just be the next logical step in her opinion. Baby will do her best to stay still and not wake him up though she WILL have to work hard to keep down a little squeal because the situation is too adorable for her.

14. If they were a RO for an IF, how would you describe their route?

It would be VERY, very soft though limited in possibility since she’s straight. Initiative will have to come from the main character since she’ll be pretty shy in the beginning BUT that can easily turn into a game of how to make her blush. She’d be the kind of RO that’s very gentle and nice right away and will support the main character as best as she can. Depending on which version of her would get a RO route, a violent main character might get locked out of it. A nice walk on a sunny day with accidental hand touching will be involved, as well as the classic unexpected “I had no idea you liked stuff like this” when the main character eventually sees her working on her yellow Volkswagen beetle.

23. What would they dress up as for Halloween? Would they be down for matching outfits with their LI?

She’d probably dress up as a cute witch. Baby is absolutely not one for ‘sexy’ Halloween costumes, so whatever she wears will be more elegant than anything else. She’ll put a lot of effort into and she’d definitely be down for matching outfits as long as it’s nothing too short or revealing.

3. How would they react to their LI falling asleep with their head on their shoulder?

Gay panic™️. It’ll be a bit like when a cat decides someone is worthy of being slept on. She’ll feel a weird sense of honor but she also suddenly needs to pee really bad and is extremely aware of every movement she and the one sleeping on her.

14. If they were a RO for an IF, how would you describe their route?

Never’s route … would be infuriating. She’s extremely inexperienced and cannot for the life of her read romantic tone or subtext so she will always assume she’s currently experiencing a close friendship with someone. The main character will have the option to ask about butter multiple times and eventually she will gift them some self-made butter. Never will pine from a distance until the main character can’t take it any more and blurts out with a confession which she initially will mistake as “I like you, you’re a great friend” and not as “I love you, let’s date”. Once the relationship (friend or more) reaches a certain point, cute penguin pictures and videos that Never shows to the main character will be unlocked. Just like Baby’s route, Never’s is limited in availability since she’s a lesbian.

23. What would they dress up as for Halloween? Would they be down for matching outfits with their LI?

Never will dress as a cool comic supervillain OR as Heinz Doofenshmirtz. She might also dress as a priest or nun cause she thinks it’d be funny to dress as the kind of person that would tell her she’d go to hell for being into girls. She’s also down for matching outfits but she wants the outfits to be funny or extremely iconic.

3. How would they react to their LI falling asleep with their head on their shoulder?

It honestly might not even come to this. Bean isn’t really one for closeness unless it’s of sexual nature so he’d probably complain if the situation starts to resemble cuddling and the possibility of someone falling asleep on him comes up. IF he’s close enough to that person for some reason, then he’ll let her sleep but will complain about snoring (doesn’t matter if there WAS snoring) later and tries to play the situation off.

14. If they were a RO for an IF, how would you describe their route?

Chaotic? Exhausting? And with a nice lack of communication. Bean is a scarred individual and struggles with any kind of closeness, so in the beginning he’ll be the “I only do one-night stands” RO who will flirt at any given opportunity without really meaning it. He’s absolutely up for sex, but not for more, and it’ll take him very long to realize that there might be something more. The main character can decide to stick to Bean as a fuck-buddy, friends with benefits that went out of hand and results in dating, or being upfront with him and telling him they want more than sex, which will lead to him distancing himself for a while. He’ll come around. Eventually. Maybe. Friends as well as every main character that chooses more than just fucking will eventually meet Bean’s corgi, Teddy. The main character can suggest to go swimming together which Bean will always decline. There will be a chaotic night out at the bar where he’ll drink more than he should, and main characters who are closer to him will experience him being grumpy and suffering after he ignore his lactose-intolerance. If all important requirements are met, the main character might find out Bean’s actual name. Bean is very straight so his route will not be available for everyone.

23. What would they dress up as for Halloween? Would they be down for matching outfits with their LI?

Bean does not dress up for Halloween. He’d come in his normal clothes and then says something about being dressed up as a demon or the devil.

Main Character Asks

[everything-laito]

Never expected the Laito vs Shin CD to be this deep on Laito’s side. Hi, I’m back at it again with another long rant.

Hiiii! It’s Corn here, with a long awaited analysis of the Laito vs Shin drama cd! 

I didn’t expect to like this pairing as much as I did, but honestly Shin’s abrasiveness brought more out of Laito than I expected. Maybe it’s also the combination of Laito struggling to keep himself restrained. 

If you wanna hear my shitpost 2 am reactions to this, here’s the link. I go back now and realize I forgot some stuff in my notes to put in there, but oh well haha. If you want me to release the ones I forgot let me know lololol, my 2 am ramblings are pretty funny in hindsight. Thank you to @/dialovers-translations for providing the translations to these CDs! If you want to check the CD out for yourself, here it is. And as always, if you want to add anything, feel free to! Huge analysis under the cut :)

So the CD starts off with Laito and Yui. They’re in public somewhere and Laito’s being… Laito. But he’s trying to be quiet which was off putting for me at first. Anyways, this takes place right after the Lost Eden ending. I will admit I haven’t played Lost Eden or has seen the translations yet (I like playing the games as I do) but I do know that in in some endings the Sakamakis (and Mukamis???? I think??? Not sure) inherit daddy ketchup’s power. (I think it’s all of them that do in their endings but correct me if I’m wrong). 

So we know that Laito doesn’t like violence from him saying it multiple times in past games, drama cds, etc. He also mentioned in Haunted Dark Bridal that he doesn’t like family politics and has no interest in having the throne/Karl’s power. So, safe to assume from the start he doesn’t like having this power. And oh boy he is NOT having it. 

In my notes of the first track I made a quip of that Laito’s been kind of a “wannabe romantic.” I know that’s not the best way to describe it, but he’s like “human girls like this right?” or “this is what you do in a relationship, right?” (And he either puts his own twist on it or it ends up being More Blood’s vampire ending). So in this he holds your hand, no tricks, no nothing. I know this is a result of Rejet’s writing change after HDB, but also I think it’s some development on Laito’s end too (either way, it’s cute as hell). I honestly took this as him trying to distract himself from the power he now has; one that he never wanted in the first place. And we know Laito: master of distracting himself from his own issues and other people. 

Laito: “Fufu…You’re shaking~ In that case, should we just dive down from here while I hold you in my arms? …We’ll reach the ground in no time, but it might be reaaaaaally scary.”

Laito: “I’m not going to jump down. After all, I’ve decided I won’t use these powers no matter what.”

Although it takes some deeper knowledge of Laito, he definitely is using the ol “making fun of things I’m insecure about = coping mechanism” plenty of people like to do. He’s teasing himself; making a little quip of it and then kinda turning serious, yet still remaining his “~playful Laito façade~” self. In my notes I say that I’m glad Rejet stuck by with Laito’s whole “I have no interest in these powers” kinda thing. I also think that it scares him, on top of the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit. Or him having the “I don’t give a shit” attitude is a cover up for that fear? We’re gonna go deeper into that, my fellow sinners. 

Before I get into that, I just wanted to point out yet another quote that follows the ones that I put. 

Laito: “Don’t look so puzzled. This is the human world, isn’t it? It would be odd. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. That’s all.”

I liked my note in response to this quote: “H A H don’t be so DAFT, Laito, you’re the KING of double meanings. I know this is a liiiieeeeee” and man, I gotta agree with my cryptid self. He’s using the fact that it’s the human world as an excuse for him to not use his powers. Which…. Is a valid excuse. But this is also Laito we’re talking about. And he just sucked your blood in public. And moaned. I can see right through you man. Laito without double meanings is just…. He can’t exist. There’s no way. Sure he’s developed but if he’s still sticking with his façade from time to time, it’s a safe assumption; deductively. 

As for Laito fearing his powers, it really starts to prove itself by Track 02. Shin finds him, attacks him with wolves, and Laito STILL doesn’t use his powers, even in self defense. For a man that has 0 self restraint typically,,,,,, he really can restrain himself for the most specific things. This further supports my claim that Laito’s scared of himself with these powers. He’s also just really dedicated to his morals, whether they’re falsified morals he created himself in self defense, or ones that go deep to his core (oh shit, another analysis idea???). 

Then… Laito got angry, and attacked Shin in the process (this happens in track 04. Shin steals Yui in track 03). Again, I know I just said he’s pretty dedicated to his morals. But it’s an oddly human thing to do; breaking your morals once in a while to achieve something. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Then Laito beats himself up over letting his angry emotions get to him. And we get such a moving scene.

Laito: “Ah…Fuck…! Why…! Why!? Why did I let myself fall for such an easy taunt!? …Bitch-chan? I’m weird, right now, aren’t I? Because of that guy’s powers…Aren’t I going crazy?”

Laito: “…!? I…I’ve been composed this whole time. Yet…Why do you tell me such a thing!? Just as I thought���You also think that I’m becoming weird! If not, you wouldn’t look at me with those eyes!”

Laito: “Don’t touch me…!! If you touch me…You’ll be corrupted as well.”

Laito: “Fufufu…Ahaha…! I’m not corrupted? No, haven’t you experienced it first-hand? That man’s sullied blood and powers are flowing through this body of mine. Even though I don’t need them…! Even though I never wished for them…! Why…!? Why did I have to get these things forced upon me!? Fuck!”

I know that Japanese doesn’t technically have swear words like we do. He says 「くそ」 (“kuso”) which is an interjection that describes something that’s outrageous. Which is why it gets translated into “damn!” “Shit!” “Fuck!” Based on the context and aggressiveness. But, Laito rarely ever says 「くそ」, and he said it a LOT in this CD. And that’s what really caught me off guard. 

So, SO much is said in those quotes I cannot even begin to fathom. So let’s break it down. 

Firstly, as I mentioned, He’s beating himself up (as well as gaslighting himself(?) Is that possible?) over breaking his own morals and not wanting to have these powers in the first place. And he uses Karl as a scapegoat, as he (and the other brothers) have a habit of doing. Also, he refers to his powers as “that guy’s powers.” He hasn’t even accepted that they’re his, and that’s also what’s really sad.

Then the second line. “I’ve been composed this whole time.” Well we, as Laito fans, know that what we usually see Laito is a façade. But this, right now, is raw Laito, baby. He then kinda gets a paranoia of some sort, trying to read your eyes (which is most likely sympathetic, not thinking he’s weird) in order to blame it on someone, or continuing to gaslight himself. And the third line… Wow that hit hard for me in the feels. You know how Laito usually says he wants to corrupt you? Steal your innocence? (Again, projection, from what Cordelia made him feel). This also further supports the notion that Laito doesn’t think that highly of himself (well, people who have some type of superiority complex do. And he definitely does, sometimes on Ayato levels) and also the fact that he still keeps that façade up. Probably to protect these inner feelings. Again, his statement about his composure says as much. 

It’s then implied that Yui tries to comfort him, saying that he’s not corrupted. He continues to not listen to her and kinda say his bottled up feelings. God that last quote, and the way he says it,,,, ugh god it’s so heartbreaking. As we previously knew, he didn’t want these powers at all. He never wanted to be in any part of Karlheinz’s games. He just wanted to live the way he wants to (even if it is,,,, an unhealthy mindset to live in). He says it in such a fearful and tragic way. Again, he’s afraid of himself with these powers. He’s trying to build back up his facade or adjust it in any way that he can to avoid it, but right now, it’s too much for him. 

Laito: “Bitch-chan, you see. As long as she has someone to make her feel good, she will make do with anyone. …Power does not matter. That’s what being a��‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?”

Shin: “Che! You’re just spouting random crap! You won’t deceive me.”

Laito: “Heh…There, there…Don’t glare at me like that..We’ve come all the way up here…It would be foolish to waste our time talking about power dynamics. Let’s enjoy ourselves…I don’t care about complicated stuff. To me, this is everything.”

I actually said something coherent enough in my 2 am notes in response to this to pretty much put it in here verbatim: 

Damn, this boy really just wants to vibe and avoid responsibility (I mean, don’t we all Laito) but he just has to face it. I kinda realize through this drama cd that Laito just… doesn’t wanna face complexity too. He doesn’t, never has. Violence is too complicated, getting involved with Cordelia and Ayato’s relationship by standing up for Ayato as a kid is too complicated, getting on Cordelia’s “good side” (which is uh,,,, awful) is too complicated. 

Putting up that whole perverted façade in order to hide from his own feelings; holy shit idk how I didn’t notice this blatantly before. I didn’t know it would take Shin to make me realize this. Laito never asked for any of this happening to him (none of the boys really did; at least for their pasts). Goddamn, when I try to look at the overly complex stuff, I miss the simple shit so easily. People in real life try to escape like this––using sex and pleasure––just like Laito. 

(Can’t believe I said that at 2 am omg) But, to add onto that, the whole “That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?” Has SO much meaning to it. First of all, it’s a question. Which raises uncertainty about a subject. This subject is what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is. It’s phrased in a desperate way that this is Laito’s way to ask you to help. And that’s huge. Also, I think it’s Laito’s way of saying to not judge him right now, and to still accept him for who he is. If he really thought that Yui was that “loose” of a woman with no standards, he wouldn’t have cared to say this, or implied his purpose: which is wanting to make Yui feel good. Which, I think in Laito terms, means “wanting to make Yui happy.” And he wants to continue to be there with her through this double meaning. And wow. That’s,,,,pretty poetic.

Last note; I know that Shin even said or implied (I’m too lazy to go back to the direct quote) that he was like “bruh get over yourself, these are your powers now, get used to it” (which set Laito off I believe). And going in, I didn’t think I’d get much out of this duo in terms of development, but WOW, there’s a chock full of stuff. 

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Holy crap I think this is longer than the Hilde analysis. 

Thanks for reading as always! -Corn

[slashingdisneypasta]

General Trender Man headcanons?

Sure! We stan Trender so much on this blog, he does not get enough attention. Hence, how unorganised these headcanons are, aha. I hope you like these anyway and even accept maybe one! Haha ^^ 

~~~

·         Words that describe him: Unique, unapologetic, right (Like, always), thoughtful, aware, conscious, c h i l l

·         He’s always very cautious about entering into new serious relationships- be that romantic or platonic. He makes friends and acquaintances and bed buddies often, but when they reach a certain level of closeness to him, he has to stop and think. Is this worth it? Can he handle losing another right now?

·         There’s a lot about him that scares him (For others, that is). His brothers, for one. Splender would be fine, of course, but Offender is unstable and Slender may admit to caring about him, but he certainly retains no such niceties for human friends. For another, he’s immortal. Which means he has and will continue to watch his friends, lovers, brothers, sisters, comforting acquaintances, etc, die (Some at the hands of his brothers) and its hard. No matter how many times it happens. He is different from Splender in this way, because Splender just doesn’t think like this when starting new friendships, he doesn’t factor in the end of the relationship as a reason to, or not to, begin one. He loves unconditionally and without inhibitions.

·         Trender is more human in this regard compared to all of this brothers. In fact, Trender’s far more in touch with humanity then the others in all ways- this is of course because he’s actively living and working around / with them consistently.

·         He doesn’t have a set ‘style’. He is a being obsessed with fashion in general. That’s all kinds of fashion. Old fashion, current fashion, future fashion, different cultural fashion, different ‘gendered’ fashion, fashion for different ages, etc. Tan vests, cowboy hats, ball gowns, hot pink clogs, kimonos, top hats, teal two-tailed long coats, wraps, leather skirts, beanies, tank tops, purple tinted glasses, etc. A n y t h i n g he might fancy on that day. Generally, he does prefer to dress in a ‘masculine’ style, but he’s not fashion exclusionary at any extent (He has been known to rock a pleated plaid skirt and tucked in T-Shirt or a purple sari).

·         As such, he drags inspiration from everywhere. He’s chill on the outside (And, to an extent, on the inside. I mean, he’ll almost never freak out on you. Man has serious control over himself), but on the inside he’s colour, and flashing lights, and new ideas all the time.

·         Also! The wide range of styles thing? That extends to all tastes. Like in movies, music, and food.

·         He does not care, though, for chocolate mousse or pasta made of spinach.

·         He’s the hardest Slender to locate- one morning he’ll wake up in Moscow, then in the afternoon he’ll be in a remote Indian village close to nothing. He’ll let Splender know where he’s gonna be or thinks he’s going to head at all times though, because he’s a good brother and doesn’t want Splender to worry.

·         He’s an artist in every sense of the word.

·         Just like any other creator, he gets good ideas at the most inconvenient times like in the middle of the night, in a shower, when he’s working, when he’s focusing on literally anything else that’s not the topic of the idea he just thought up, and he ends up forgetting if he doesn’t write it down.

·         No one that knows both him and his brothers has ever appreciated, or valued, him quite as much as they have his brothers. They’re all huge, powerful personalities and, for some reason, Trender tends to pale into the background a bit. They’re clear cut, his brothers are. Slender’s full of hate, Offender’s selfish, Splender’s good and kind. Trender’s all of these things and none of them to the same extents, so people tend to compare him to them, and he hates it. He can honestly say that this is the thing he hates the most in the entire world involving him.

·         Has used his and Slender’s resemblance (Or shared lack of features) to pretend to be him.

·         Once tried to sell baby Slender for a couple of goats.

·         Quotes that remind me of him:

·         ‘If I cannot bend heaven, I will raise hell.’ – Virgil

·         ‘There is a little bit of wolf in me too.’

·         ‘I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one I will indulge in the other.’ – Mary Shelley

[ellipsesarefun]

DAMIRAE DAY 5: Soulbond

A/N: SO THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE I SWEAR HAHHAHAAH. It’s probs the coffee talking but damn. Finished this baby todaaayyy after reviewing for a subject (and damn is this a weird day because writing and studying feels like two different worlds) so this will be queued to post on the 14th or 15th? Maybe I’m too excited but it’s been awhile since I’ve been excited to write something.. Been awhile since I’ve used 1st POV. This is probs a bit messy :( But I’ll edit some stuff out someday..

May not be participating anymore but I hope to come back to DamiRae <3 It’s been a comfort to me during my study breaks.

------

There are some things about my magic that I cannot fully comprehend nor explain. 

Ever since I’ve healed the young Robin, I’ve been receiving vivid dreams. I can’t fully grasp the images but the emotions that wake me to reality are always filled with heartaches, pining, and desperation. I never bothered to clue anyone in on what they are. Kory knows I have dreams but I can never tell her what happens in them because I don’t know how to describe them.. Damian has his ways of knowing. The little bird never lets me forget that. But he never asked, just implied. And I never said anything, merely let him draw his own conclusions.

I’ve been harboring feelings for him for a long time but I never acted on them for a number of reasons... Sometimes, we were romantically and sexually involved with other people. Other times, there never seemed to be a time and place to voice it out on the open. The moments we spent alone meditating, reading together, flying during my nightly rituals are the moments I cherish too much to let him feel my burden.

But out of all the reasons I've expounded, My father is the center. Even when I have created an enchanted fortress created out of his and my own demonic magic (with the help of Constantine and Zatanna), I still fear that he may one day break through those chains and destroy Earth... and kill Damian. Trigon senses the bond between us and it disgusts him.

His insults hit right through my own insecurities. I mean technically, he is trapped in crystal that’s stored in a small box that I carry around but damnit there are times when his thoughts crowd over to mine and... it terrifies me.

The mechanics of the bond isn’t the “if he dies, then I die too” but more of “I feel his presence more than I let on”. I still have no idea if it also might be the former, but the latter is one that I experience often. I don't always know what he is feeling (I may be an Empath but I have my mental barriers to maintain). It's only when he's in danger do my senses burn right through my barriers. It probably comes with this strong sense of protectiveness within me, a desperate need to keep him safe... and it’s becoming a little too obvious.

Throughout the six years as Titans, training with Damian has gradually become a torture... Every urge to shot turns into every urge to shield him from the pain... Every scar he receives fuels my anger against those who dare to hurt him, especially the enemies we’ve faced during missions and/or patrol. 

The last one was worse. I arrived at the scene with him on the floor, body tainted with bruises and then..

I saw him on the floor.. suddenly burnt into ashes.. face barely recognizable... I heard my screams of agony, despair, and heartbreak as I watched my other self enveloping him in what seems a spell..

I love you...

And it wasn’t a dream but a memory... It all felt so real, like I was in Apokolips (what the hell is Apokolips?) once more and the Earth has crumbled to its fucked up state and he was gone and I needed to save him (from what?)...

I didn’t even stop to comprehend what it was and I lost my control. 

AZARATH. METRION. ZINTHOS!

...

I blacked out, I think, and now I find myself back in the infirmary of the Titans Tower. Not a single glimpse of a sunlight reached the room and nothing stands out from the dark except a figure sitting beaide me.

"Hi." Is the only greeting I offered. Damian stands and turns the lights back on. He sits back down, burning holes into my skull. I squint at the brightness and immediately force myself to focus at some place that isn't him.. I couldn't bare to look at him.

I hear a sigh but I let my gaze linger at the clock far longer than I liked, matching my breaths with the ticks and tocks of the arrows of the clock. His agitation prickles at my senses like a thorn to my side. The damned urge to come and wrap him in my arms gradually resurfaces once more. 

He clears his throat just in time, like he already knew what I was thinking and I look down, hoping he doesn’t notice the heat pooling my cheeks. 

“Look,” he says and I pause my train of thought, “You and I both know there’s more to this that letting your demon lose and almost killing Dr. Light, so let’s not beat around the bush.” I couldn’t look at him, I just can’t bear to.. But I nodded, just so he knows that I’m taking his words seriously (and I always do)..

I might as well tell him..

“I’ve been having nightmares ever since the first time I healed you.” There’s movement from my periphery but I ignore it, “Of you.. dying...” Silence is his only answer so I continued.

“It wasn’t that bad at first but through years it’s been difficult to fight this desire to protect you all the time.” I haven’t reached the most important part yet and I’m already feeling the rising tension in the air. He holds up a hand, and I wait for him to speak as I try to calm my heartbeat. 

“Raven, I was trained by the League of the Assassins. I know how to handle myself-” 

“I know you do, Damian.” I cut him off, hearing my voice rise a bit,

(And I realize later that he didn't need to say this because damnit the smart ass saw right through me. He only did so to bait me into confessing.)

“But these aren’t nightmares.. not really. They’re from another timeline.” I let out a sigh. This conversation is beginning to exhaust me but he needs to know. I turn to him this time and he’s not holding back his own concern etched on his face. He gets up from his chair and sits at the edge of my bed. My gaze drifts to his hand. I remember a lingering feeling, probably from another memory of that timeline, that he’d reach out and hold my hand in his. 

“There was a war.. We were around at this age..” I continue, “We were trying to stop someone and... you died in the process. I revived you.. brought you back from the dead.” I watch him watch me. Not a single gasp was uttered nor any ounce of surprised was showed on his face. I didn’t sense any of that. There was so much I can pick from that unreadable frown. 

Longing, concern, understanding.. and it’s only occurred to me that he knows. He’s known this whole time. I was too engrossed to what he felt and what Trigon may do that I didn’t stop to read through his actions. But does he...

No.. I shouldn't ask... not when I haven't laid all the cards out..

"We have a bond.. sort of." I say, and he nods, confirming of his own assumptions, "But I'm not sure if this will get us killed. So far the pain inflicted on you does not mean I receive the same kind of pain. It just fuels my drive to protect you."

"And you think that this was a result from our previous affections to one another in that timeline." He concludes.

"We never really spent time together as... together." I say. It feels out of the blue but something about what I said needed to be heard, "You left for the League of Assassins. You offered me a place there because you had feelings for me. I would have went with you if Trigon hadn't threatened me to kill you if I stayed..."

I face him, feeling this odd confidence swelling within me. "I do still have feelings for you. And Trigon still wants to kill you so.. that hasn't changed.." 

There is a slight elation and giddiness within me as I catch a mixture of bewilderment and amusement on his features. But my heart begins to soar as I watch a tiny, tender smile drawn by his lips.

I've seen that smile before.. a couple of times. There were only glimpses of that smile during our many glances throughout the years, hidden beneath the layers of his mask.

And now the last of his mask has finally come off.

"Raven," he says and I feel the tingle in my ears at the sound of my name, "You should know by now that my perseverance exceeds the fear of being devoured by demonic conquerer of worlds."

I frown at him. "You sound so sure of yourself..."

"You've defeated him twice, Raven." He reasons, "In this timeline and probably in other timelines. You were lucky, you say, but now.. you're--no, we're, more than four times as lucky."

"Damian.. where is this all coming from?" I ask, because he makes it sound so simple. Like he's up against merely a strict father who wouldn't let his daughter marry the person she loves in those cheesy romcoms. But this isn't a romcom. This is Trigon, for Azar's sake..

"He isn't called a Conquerer of Worlds for no reason!"

"And that doesn't stop you for creating a tiny fortress that entraps and gradually diminishes his demonic magic instead of trapping him in a crystal and sticking it to your forehead from your other timeline. Look Raven,” he continues, “You and I both know that there’s something between us? Why wait for the inevitable?” Why wait till I leave for the League of Assassins? Why wait till the possibility of Apokolips comes around again? He leans in and his bright green eyes search my own.

I keep my frown on my face, not wanting to give in to his charms. He throws back a smirk because he's fucking...

"Insufferable. That’s what you are." I spit the words at him, only halfheartedly at best. He laughs. The cheeky fucker is laughing me.

"But I'm a kind and generous soul." He teases with a grin on his face. And shit, I can't fight my own my smile any longer. He reaches out and I meet him halfway, entwining our fingers together. I haven't affirmed anything but the gesture already is the answer. Our answer. We’ve been dancing around this for a long time. Might as well take the chance before it’s too late.

Something magical, his aura perhaps, loops with my own. I close my eyes let the magic guide me.. and him. A meadow materializes itself and I find him in the distance, his smile warm and inviting. I extend my hand to him and he mirrors my actions. A raven flies out of my hand and another one out of his. At the same time we open our eyes and-

The magic suddenly bursts forth into a kaleidoscope of colors, a plethora of shapes of any kind. They all coalesce into a giant raven. A white raven. It soars above us, circling around the room with a happy tune. It eventually disappears into a sparkle of fireworks. We laugh and turn our gazes to one another. 

With foreheads pressed against each other, we guide our silent conversation with twinkles in our eyes and smiles forming on our lips. It's like those typical chessy lovebird montage things people see in romantic subplots. It might be the calmness of the air or the sleep edging its way through my train of thought but I can sense our heartbeats in sync. A lullaby to my woes, perhaps, but someone like me can hope that this bond is knitting our souls into a comfortable blanket, however mysterious and unpredictable it may be.

Trigon's box rattles on the table. I almost forgot that it was there in the first place. I feel his presence, cursing disgusting words at the edge of my aura but I pay no heed. 

After all, I'm a billion times luckier now.

[roc-thoughtblog]

I am now feeling the great and mighty call, wailing from the abyss of my dysfunctional mind, to abandon this experiment in favour of the charming alternative: absolute jack-nothing. It's a pressure, a really common pressure, that one where you absolutely can't seem to start doing anything, no matter how much you want, should, need to or like doing it. I hate it.

I absolutely reject this call. And I think, for once in my life I'm actually empowered to do so. I have medication that helps me focus. I'm emotionally stable enough to have a consistent degree of confidence. I have a purpose and a goal. I have every intention to completely power through this horrible siren of immobility.

Hell, this was half the reason I started this whole reading/writing blog to begin with, to see if I can keep it up for once.

If personal change can come by spending one hour every day reading or writing, as consistently as possible, I have to do it. I don't know an easier road.

Especially reading, it holds such a unique place for me. I love it enough to constantly want to do it, but my concentration span for novels is so poor that I am basically never at risk of losing control. Watching shows, playing games, spending any time on the sprawling mess of hyperlinks and algorithms that is the internet, I'm so vulnerable to hyperfocusing and losing days and weeks of my life to the unforgiving maw of the un-time.

I just lost the last two or three days like this already, because I accidentally sucked myself back into FE3H. I don't even play the game very fast, or possibly much at all, I just spend hours going into days messing around in the menus. Silly, right? Life shouldn't have to be this way, though, and I am going to Learn Control.

Standard self-management techniques I have ever tried do not work for me. Scheduling and time-management, alarms and reminders, they don't function if I don't have a basic mechanism that cooperates with them. This blog is baby steps, and I will keep fucking walking like the baby I am until I have that basic mechanism that I might then extend to every other part of my life.

I would like to be able to start and then finish personal projects. That would be amazing. And, wow, could you imagine how much better I might be at studying if I could do it?

I restarted a sketching blog too, which I haven't managed to maintain in the past week. But no beating myself up over it, because baby steps involve taking everything you can get first before worrying about more. I'll incorporate it into my proto-schedule as soon as I'm capable of doing so. If I spent one hour every day drawing, who knows how much I could have drawn or how much I would improve.

And streaming! I started streaming on Monday mornings to try to enjoy a game without getting sucked in. And it's working! I played DDLC for three hours the first monday, and then I consciously put it down and waited a whole patient week to play it another three hours the next monday! I didn't get fucking consumed by it! Only one real-life friend is actually watching my terrible quality 480p stream, but who cares! The extra layer of accountability of publicly playing the game has kept my impulses in check and my general brain upright and sane, and the general busywork of setting up a stream and finding convenient, private times to do so has been just enough resistance to stop me launching straight back into things prematurely like I do with a normal schedule I abjectly fail to follow.

I just cannot describe how pleased I am to be able to enjoy something I like doing with some measure of control. Generally I end up caught in that awful cycle where I simply can't do anything I love or want to do because I know that as soon as I do... goodbye life. Being able to play a game guilt free? On a SCHEDULE? That I MAINTAINED? Revolutionary. It even helped me get up in the morning. I’ll be sad when circumstances change to make streaming impractical for me again.

Where was I even going with this, I'm rambling. Rambling is a part of this blog too. I think too much and can't write nothing, which is an absolutely amazing trait to have when you need to write an essay. I want this blog to train myself to just, make my thoughts exist somewhere, on a page, that I can use. Anything. Proofreading is optional, because even basic perfectionism is the death of production. There's a reason why despite the bulk of this blog turning into literature readthroughs, that I started it with a review of Sephiroth DLC for Super Smash Brothers. It was the only thing I could think to write at the time. And I'll take it. I will definitely take anything I can start writing on. Beggars can't be choosers, etc. If I can write more naturally like I am right now, rambling into a .txt, if I can turn that back around into stories or studies... that would be grand.

Anyway, how do I end this. Call back to the beginning and conclude. Okay.

Long story short, I refuse to stop even though all natural feeling compels me to lose interest, because I think I can fight the urge now. AH MOSQUITO. Screw it I'm leaving that in here. It would be so nice to be able to control when I do and do not do things, and I hope I can use this blog to improve my life.

Oh yeah last thing. I want to try and get this proto-schedule such that I will read during the weekdays, but on weekends I'll try to branch out and write about something else. I'll default to reading if I can't manage to get any writing started.

Bit of a long and nebulous to-do list, but I would still like to write a review for Idoru, finish the comparisons on narrative voice with S&S. Also, I took a bunch of notes on No Maps for These Territories I'd like to process along with Idoru. And I did play two sessions of DDLC, with lots of notes! I'd like to write something about that too. And there's so many more small things that strike me every day that could be a good thing to write about. Thoughtblog and all that.

'Kay, it's 3AM now, somehow, so I'mma try to fix my sleep cycle. 'Night.

[padawanlost]

Sorry I don’t have a tumblr or I’d respond directly. Re: Young anakin being returned to Tatooine, I don’t wholly disagree with you but I do think the council would be in a stickier situation that the one you described. If I’m wrong about any lore, I’d love for you to let me know. I’m pretty sure the Jedi are officially very against slavery, and rogue Qui-Gon as per usual put them in a pickle when he, technically, bought a child slave as a representative of the Jedi Order. (cont’d)

(cont’d 2) Legally Shmi had no claim on Anakin to begin with. Selling her with her child seems to be considered a courtesy on Tatooine; Watto has no problem splitting them up. He feels bad about it in the comics, but like, he does it. Returning Anakin to his mother would effectively, legally be returning him to his slave owner, which I’m sure everyone on the council would feel strongly against. It would also reflect badly on the Jedi Order. (cont’d)   

(cont’d 2) Legally Shmi had no claim on Anakin to begin with. Selling her with her child seems to be considered a courtesy on Tatooine; Watto has no problem splitting them up. He feels bad about it in the comics, but like, he does it. Returning Anakin to his mother would effectively, legally be returning him to his slave owner, which I’m sure everyone on the council would feel strongly against. It would also reflect badly on the Jedi Order. (cont’d)

(Anakin Tatooine anon) Sorry about the long message, hope it makes sense. Very nervous about sending it in lol, so for the record, I mean no disrespect & good vibes only!            

Hey!!! Don’t worry, it’s okay. I totally get where you are coming from :)As from where I get the idea that they would return Anakin to Tatooine, it’s from Dooku.

“Nine years old,” Palpatine said when he could. “Surely too old to be trained.” “If the Council shows any sense.” “And what will become of the boy then?” Dooku’s shoulders heaved. “Though no longer a slave, he will probably be sent to rejoin his mother on Tatooine.” [James Luceno. Darth Plagueis]

This is before Dooku left the Order and became a sith, so here he still has inside information on the Council’s decisions and knew exactly how they operated. he knew enough of the Jedi Order to guess what they would probably do with a force-sensitive too old to train. We also know that the rule was to NOT to bring any force-sensitive too old to train back to Coruscant. All the kids they found should be left where they were found:

There was a deep, aching regret in the child’s voice. Looking at her, Taria realized Greti understood she was trapped here. For a moment she was furious with Obi-Wan, for waking the girl’s potential when he knew he’d have to leave her behind. And then she sighed. [Karen Miller. Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Siege]

We also saw it happened to Anakin and Ventress, who were both deemed too old to be trained and, in her case, she was not welcomed to Coruscant even though she was living on a planet plagued by crime, slavery and poverty. Anakin was the exception, not the rule. Force-sensitives found too old to be trained were left where they were found, they weren’t rescued. The only other force-sensitive they “rescued” was Baby Ludi but she was still an infant, therefore, not too old to trained (and we all know what a shitshow that was)

As for the jedi being very against slavery…nope! On paper, yes they condemned it but in reality they did very very little to fight slavery. In fact, the two times the Jedi Order disrupted major slavery rings was because Anakin got personally involved and broke a few rules.

I should have done it before now. Wasn’t that my other childhood dream? Become a Jedi and free the slaves. Instead I became a Jedi and let myself forget. Let them convince me that it’s not our job to remake the Republic. The Jedi were keepers of the peace, not legal enforcers. That was the Senate’s job. How many times had he been told that? He’d lost count. But the Senate was falling down on the job, wasn’t it? What was the use of having anti-slavery laws if the barves who broke them never paid for their crimes? It was enough to shake his hard-won and harder-kept faith. If scum like Watto and Jabba and the other Hutts kept on making their fat profits on the backs of living property—and if the Senate continued to turn a blind eye—how could anyone believe in the Republic? How could he? Padmé says she understands, but she hasn’t pushed for a Senate hearing. And Palpatine—he’s promised he’ll tackle the problem but nothing’s been done. It’s too political. Too corrupt. Too complicated. There are credits in slavery—and credits trump justice. Always have. Always will. And the Jedi? They didn’t want to get involved. Even Qui-Gon… Karen Miller. Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth

“I am Condi, from the planet Zoraster. I am not a pirate. I am a slave. As are my companions. Stolen from our home worlds by Krayn. Under penalty of death, we have been assigned guard duty aboard the ship.” Condi looked at him eagerly. >“Thank the moons and stars, we have rescue in our grasp at last.” Obi-Wan deactivated his lightsaber. The naked desperation on Condi’s face unnerved him. It was mirrored in the faces of his companions. All of them had obviously suffered great deprivations. “I am sorry,” he said. “I have not come on a rescue mission.” Condi’s face fell, then brightened. “But you can take us with you. We will help you fight.” “I cannot.” Obi-Wan felt these two words were the most difficult he had ever said. “I have only a small ship, big enough for me and my companion.” He wanted to promise them he would return, but how could he make that promise? If he got off the ship safely with Anakin, Krayn would be gone. The ship could hide anywhere in the galaxy. He believed too strongly in a Jedi promise to make one he did not know if he could fulfill. [Jude Watson. Path to Truth]

Beside him, Anakin muttered something. Not in Basic. His outrage was palpable, a red shimmer in the Force. Oh no. Not now. “Anakin …” “Look at them!” Anakin retorted, low-voiced. “They’ve been turned into slaves!” “I know. It’s irrelevant Focus on why we’re here.” [Karen Miller. Star Wars: Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth]

Anakin looked uncomfortable. “If they win, they free their sister. She’s a slave.” “I see.” Obi-Wan nodded at the two brothers. “I wish you good luck. Anakin, may I speak with you a moment?” He drew Anakin aside. “You know this is wrong,” he told his Padawan with a frown. “I’m sure you are helping for the right reasons. But this is not our mission. We have more important things to do. And may I remind you that Podracing is illegal?” [Jude Watson.Dangerous Games]

“We have more important things to do” that’s the usual jedi take on the subject of slavery. Something else always took precedence and they only acted after they got themselves trapped in the mess. They took no measures against it unless it directly affected Republic’s interests. And the fact Tatooine was ruled by slavers would be considered irrelevant when compared to the Order/Republic’s best interests, as we saw it clearly when they sacrificed a lot of man power and resources to rescue ONE child that happened to be a slaver’s son.

So, no, I don’t believe they would show much concern for Anakin’s situation if he were to be returned to Tatooine. Hell, they were fine with Luke – their last hope – growing up there and were quite dismissed of how it traumatized Anakin (someone who they watch struggled with those traumas for years):

“As close to kinfolk as the boy can come,” Yoda said approvingly. “But Tatooine, not like Alderaan it is—deep in the Outer Rim, a wild and dangerous planet.” “Anakin survived it,” Obi-Wan said. “Luke can, too. And I can—well, I could take him there, and watch over him. Protect him from the worst of the planet’s dangers, until he can learn to protect himself.” [Matthew Stover. Revenge of the Sith]

Yes, Shmi had no legal claim over Anakin but to take a kid from his mother by promising you would take care of him and them put him somewhere else for adoption is cruel. Especially after recognizing Anakin’s bond to his mother.

And, as far as orphanages go, it seems the GFFA doesn’t really have them. The only mentions of them I could find in the original canon were from one game. Considering the amount of kids that end up with or as criminals, I’d say the GFFA doesn’t have the best child protection laws and agencies. Even if they had an orphanage in Coruscant or Naboo, again, leaving Anakin in one without Shmi’s knowledge would be cruel. And if that were to happen, I don’t see Padmé making such donation. Not because she’s selfish, but because she unaware of how daily life works when you are not a happy Naboo. In her mind, as long as the government is working, everything is fine. I mean, if Anakin is in a government-run place and the government has a budget for it, he’d probably be fine, right?

Padmé trusts the Jedi. She has no reason to believe they wouldn’t put a child’s interests ahead of their own. That’s why she never checked on him after the Battle of Naboo in canon. He was with the Jedi so he was fine.Also, we can’t forget Padmé was a 14 years old girl who had a planet to rebuild. It’s not fair to put this on her, Anakin was never her responsibility nor should he be. When I remove Padmé from the situation, it’s not because I think her bad or selfish but because she’s a kid and, realistic, not old enough to understand what it took to raise a kid and definitely not experienced enough to feel responsible for the well-being of another child. If the much older and wiser Jedi – the peacekeepers of the galaxy – tell you they will take care of the kid, you believe them. At that point, she would have no reason to double check their efforts and, realistically, all that excludes the possibility of her doing anything beyond showing her gratitude.

PS: thanks so much for sending an ask even though you don’t have a blog. wow! how cool!

[writtenaboutshinee]

SHINee for COOL, September 2008

Repost from shineeinterviews who originally reposted it from shineee.net

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20 facts of ONEW

1. Nicknamed “tofu”. “Pure tofu”, “ondubu”, they all refer to him. Uses the introduction “I am only~you~ Onew” taught to him by Leeteuk and at times, switches to “Hello, my name is Michael Jackson(sincerely)!”

2. Feels shy about presenting himself to people, and because of it, he did not dare to participate in auditions. When he was a trainee, everyone else seems to be improving everyday, while he seems to be staying stagnant and not improving, that to him is the saddest period of his life up till now.

3. When performing on stage for the first time, he could not see anything in front of him, and even forgot the lyrics before going up on stage. But he thought of his parents who were sitting in front of the stage, he thought “Yes, I must look for them”, and thus calmed down gradually.

4. The Leader who commits the most mistakes during practices; the Leader who feels respoonsible for the group and solves problem, the Leader who will just zone out from time to time, the Leader who still stays strong despite sporting swollen, red eyes under the glaring lights, the Leader who cries in the car secretly after getting injured.

5. “Rather than saying that I use certain methods to make the sunbaes like me, I am just working hard to be respectful.” It is this thought that accompanies the 90 degree bow everytime.

6. Infamous NG King. “You just cannot not NG can’t you!” (KEY)

7. “Honestly, amongst all of the SHINee members, in the terms of looks, physique, expression…and everything is charismatic and the only phrase to describe the person is ‘near perfection’, that member is – ME!”

8. Good in studying, was second in the entire school before. To him, it’s nothing to be very proud of, because everyone has their own strengths that is irreplaceable by others, isn’t it more important to discover that strength and make use of it?

9. Because he got curious after hearing that “if there is something heavy on your chest, your thoughts will become heavy too, and you will experience illusions”, so he went went to sleep hugging a box, hoping to enter a land of illusions but nothing happened…

10. Looks gentle and quiet, but is very ambitious at attempting to be humourous, is always very enthusiastic about trying various methods to hype up the atmosphere behind the scenes. Also possesses the ability to freeze the atmosphere with whatever he says, but there are just once or twice a year when people do feel that he is funny.

11. 'What should you do if you are a victim of the SHINee poison?’ “ …Go to the hospital for cure! (innocently, seriously)

12. Can be quite blur at times. "Our album will be released in May (firmly) …. It’s already August now?! ….Oh then it should be in September…Ah (manager glares at him) No no, it’s in August, end of August…”

13. His idea type is something who has character, good personality, is responsible, knows how to cook, looks good in appearance, the hands must be especially pretty, and the most important aspect – it must be a noona!

14. If met with unbearable situations, changes mindset from “I have to do ____ before its fine?” to “It’s just doing _____ then it will be alright” and it will work. Be it heaven or hell, what matters is how you view it.

15. Tied his hair with the filigree(the golden strip thing) used to package bread, that was when he was really young, and had really long hair…

16. Strong at adapting, when dressing up as a girl for the first time, he felt fascinated and awkward, but after awhile he was able to start dancing sexy dances. If he does changes into a girl? He would probably date Key. Unique, strong personality, very interesting, just like his cup of tea.

17. Does not hide his worry about the possibility of him commiting mistakes because he is does not feel capable of it. “Can I do it well?”, “Will it be safe?”, “Will I get into trouble?”, whatever comes to mind he will voice it out, and after that, will feel more daring to continue on.

18. Suffers from the “Floudering about” syndrome, will sink into a state of baffling nervousness whenever he does not know how to answer something. When it comes to handling the direction of a conversation, it will be fine if he is not nevous, but once he ends up panicking, he will want to shout “umma”.

19. Will wake up early to make roast meat for Taemin, but sleep is also very important, must have a good sleep, eat well and abstain from unhealthy snacks – how else to maintain such a good complexion?

20. The most memorable present. the most treasured present, the happiest present received: Everyone’s love. How about using this year’s Newcomer Award to repay that? That is a precious gift that can only received once in a lifetime, want to receive it, and then…Hehe, not telling you! …Did I say that?…Eh….

Matters needing attention: Onew condition: Turning quiet suddenly, not talking to anyone, just sitting there in a daze; committing mistakes in most unlikely and unexpected situations, it is fine that others are baffled and fascinated by it but the main thing is that he does not even know why, muddles up from time to time, for details refer to point 12 above. If any of the above mentioned is committed, it is termed the “Onew condition”.

The X catalyst: Forcefully trying to bring him back into the reality world; questions why he commits such a baffling mistake; and reasoning with him.

The O catalyst: Wait for him to return to earth; laugh along with him. If he falls or trips, silently observe if he is trying to conceal his pain and divert other’s attention from his injury with his smile; take what he says as the final say, do not take it too seriously, since most of the time he commits blunders on what everyone else already know, even if he does not correct it, you will already know the right answer…

20 facts of TAEMIN

1. Must never forget to smile.

2. Carries a bag containing a lot of sweets around, all with a SHINee logo attached on it. Will give out these sweets whenever he sees noonas.

3. Has been said by many that he is good at aegyo, but will in actualy face, use half aegyo and half forcing to get what he wants, for example, mumbles “I want to be a director too” constantly while using his butt to push others.

4. Has been said that he is cute too many times, but “does not want others to say that I am cute”.

5. When first debuted, is used to blinking a lot when speaking, it is a lot better now, but somehow it has become a hot topic after Key umma has imitated it.

6. Will run around the practise room with a bottle/packet of milk in his mouth, spends a lot of time in the waiting room studying and rushing his holiday assignments and preparing for exams.

7. Being on stage is something to be enjoyed, and dance is the what makes him derives the most joy from. The title is just to attraction people to watch, you should only believe in what you see.

8. His dancing ability has been widely recognised, but do you know that his rap is pretty MAN too? Go listen to “Love should go on”.

9.Do not think that he is a child with a huge generation gap between the two of you, he idolises “MJ” and also likes to imitate Seo Taiji – “I don’t know anything!”

10. “I really don’t know anything!” (catchphrase)

11. Can transform an ardent swordsman into a kawaii youth, and can change the action of pulling out a sword to just raising a fire torch.

12. “When I first saw Taemin, I thought he was really pretty. At that time there was a trainee noona in front of him, and Taemin was even prettier than her.” (EUNHYUK)

13. Does not feel that he has a talent that can matches up to Onew, but if he were to do it(Onew’s talent)…he can do it too!

14. A very obedient child, even if he is asked to sit on someone’s lap, or getting hugged or being lifted up on someone’s shoulder, he does not object. He’s so young that the sunbaes find it hard to see him as a rising artiste who is catching up with them, but he is beginning to present a star’s disposition.

15. Knows how to play, and will play. A finger and a camera. that’s his best friend.

16. “Hyung, do you know what is love?” (to the rest of members)

17. “If I am a girl, I will choose to date Minho, because he is Flaming Charisma!”

18. “In the show, Yunhanam, the person who is the best at making a girl happy is Taemin.” (KEY) But he is still at a stage when he is more enthusiastic of dogs than girls.

19. If there is true love involved, how can age be limiting, isn’t there a guy who married a really old grandmother?

20. Has the care and concern of the hyungs, the love and care of the noonas, it’s really nice. If only he can see his family more…Hyung, saranghae…

Matters needing attention: Competitve: You can treat him as a exclusive young man but in front of him, you better see him as a man at heart.

The X catalyst: “Taemin ah, you go and do _____ k – You are the youngest!”

The O catalyst: Chant silently “He is a man! Do not be charmed by his smile! Do not be fooled by his baby face!” Hypnosis, the effect is threefold.

20 facts about MINHO

1. “Hello everyone, I am SHINee’s Flaming Charisma Minho. I have to talk for more than a minute? What can I say? One minute is too long!”

2. “Minho looks like a main character of a manga” (ONEW) “He is a living existence of selfishness!” (KEY) “When I first saw him, I thought "Ah! So handsome! Especially the eyes!” (JONGHYUN)

3. Has no concept about money, no concept about taking care of his health, has no concept about maintaining handsome or not – Why waste so much energy thinking about this kind of things?

4. If he were to pick the most handsome pose, it would be just to stand there properly. What he is most confident of: not blinking for 3 minutes!

5. “I will buy our album this time too, and keep it as a personal collection.”

6. Feels happiest when he is on stage singing and dancing, really. When singing, he will persevere on to the very end, and when singing, he will imeerse himself into the song until the last note ends. If it is not his song, it is even easier for him to get involved, like “Rokkugo”.

7. An inquisitve baby, is curious about everything. If he doesn’t do anything then it is fine, but if he goes about doing something, he must do it to his best capacity, a perfectionist.

8. Does not talk usually, but hopes that the members can become closer amongst each other, to become “forever SHINee”.

9. “The album is really manly and wild, Minho!” “They said we are manly and wild…(looks at other members) Is that good?”

10. His ideal type just need to be of an average height, must definitely be kind at heart, have long hair, wears dresses frequently – Ah, will just secretly laugh when thinking about it.

11. When singing “Love like oxygen”, he thinks of his fantasy girl (embarassed)

12. Sits upright and listens attentively on screen, but plays crazily off screen, occassionally will trip over the stairs and will turn back and glare at the stairs.

13. “Honestly, if I am a girl, the member from SHINee that I will definitely date is Taemin.”

14. Is good at doing everything, and is able to understand and analzye matters effectively – in reality, he is very aware if the people around him are comfortable or not – except when he is the camera PD: he still does not understand how to make the people in the scene stand properly.

15. “I have never seen a ghost, but I would like to see one.”

16. According to Taemin, Minho’s sleeping pyjamas is the cutest, but what is the pattern then? Flowers and grass? Animals? Hearts? It is unanswered.

17. “It shall be it then.” (catchphrase)

18. Does not have a personal talent. Does playing soccer counts? I am good at playing soccer, do you want to have a match someday?

19. Does not want to be hypocritical, refuses to be half hearted and insincere, if very straightforward in personality.

20. It’s not that he cannot be crazy, it’s not that he cannot lead, it’s not that he is not attracted to girls, you just to get hold of the that one single point that makes him interested and wait for him to give you a suprise.

Matters needing attention: Fretting: The most boring part about him is when he is bored, but when the most exciting thing is when he starts to fret. If all his frettings show themselves, then this world would be very much interesting.

The X catalyst: Uses a lot of effort to try to extend the topic and directing the atmoshpere.

The O catalsyst: Bring a puppy to him and wait for him to say stuff like “It’s so cute, looking at it makes me feel happy”, when that happens, he will naturally talk more.

20 fact about JONGHYUN

1. Has been said that the first line of “Love like oxygen” sounds like Michael Jackson’s style. “It does sound like it a bit.”, he admits it himself, but Usher is still irreplaceble, definitely!

2. “Bling Bling Jonghyun”, does it sound weird? He uses it all the time, be it during messaging or talking, he uses it. Because he loves R&B and Hip-hop too much, he wishes that he can shine forever (like bling bling). If you want it difficult to call that, “Hey Bling” can be used, thats what the members call him.

3. Will tend to talk at a really fast speed when he gets nervous, but because he talks a lot usually, nobody ever notices that habit of his.

4. There is no shortcut to acheiving perfection, just hard work and more hard work, if he is unable to take it, he will hide in the toilet for a cry, and then continue to work even harder during practice.

5. Has a lot of charisma on stage, but is very endearing and fun to be with off stage, before debut, he chats with Taemin everyday when returning home, is the member who is the most unanimous with his relaxation and lifestyle.

6. “If I meet an alien, I will definitely be scared at first, but after awhile when I get to know it, I will consider how to send it back home.”

7. Regardless of anything, no matter how many times he had performed on stage, whenever he hears his own song he will still get exceptionally excited, will lipsynch along, dance along, fidget around in his seat, even when he chokes on water he will still remain engrossed.

8. A very lively student in high school, able to digest English and Korean songs very well. Formed a band, composed music during that time, believes that if you truly like something, it is not difficult to persevere on.

9. Understands the importance of heath, so does not eat stuff like instant noodles even when he is very hungry. To practise on an empty stomach is definitely tough, but in comparison, won’t it feel really good to finally eat a full meal during breakfast? – After tolerating for so long, it’s finally time to enjoy.

10. Is not scared of the camera at all, a 180 degree display or 360 degree all show? Just state it.

11. Feels that he is a good hyung, and a good dongseng to the members, if not for the fact that they always interrupt him which makes him flares up at them shouting “Keep quiet!” at times, his image is pretty perfect.

12. Makes total and absolute preparation for everything, will even stay up overnight without sleep to prepare. If his progress does not meet his own expectations, he will feel restless and a little short tempered.

13. Likes girls who seek novelty at times, is willing to accept the age gap of up to 6 years…What about 7 years?….8 years?

14. Why cover up if you make a mistake, just admit it truthfully won’t it be good?

15. Taemin is very good, but too young. If he were to become a girl, it will be better to let Key be his boyfriend, setting aside the good personality, Key is very honest, which fits his view in life, refer to point 14.

16. Has a lot of notices, will show off to his members after returning to the dorm. Will also miss his members whom he don’t know what they are doing while he is at certain shows/programs, if there is a chance, he will like to bring all his members along.

17. The only secret to maintaining a good complexion despite a very hectic schedule is to simply maintain a positive mindset. 18. Is very proficient in the guitar, bass and piano.

19. Wakes up the earliest in the dorm, will wake up Key after he is done with washing up, Key will then wake Onew up, then Taemin and lastly, Minho – “I am the one who wakes up the earliest! I am most confident about it!”

20. “How do I wash the rice? Why doesn’t Key umma know?! …So you have to wash it like this, Taemin? Wow!”

Matters needing attention: Rebellious: A common puberty failing, it’s a phase that all teenagers will experience.

The X catalyst: Commanding orders, such as “You want me to do this?”, “You have to settle this.”

The O catalyst: Be more natural at it, as long as you don’t make him feel suppressed, he will always come to you, and is willing to endure hardship gladly.

20 facts about KEY

1. Will go to the CD shop and ask, “Where are the SHINee CDs? Are they selling well?” Cares about his welfare in outlook in life.

2. “Right from when we are trainees till now, the one who sings really well, dances superbly, gets angry only when it is an occasion to be angry about, makes people feel that "this guy is really amazing!”, that person is Key.“ (JONGHYUN)

3. Has a love-hate relationship with horror movies and horror stories, he yearns for them but he is also scared of them, he likes them but he also dislikes them. He lost his composure/image in the cinema many times because of that, he is only able to rent horror movies/dramas to watch at home to continue scaring himself.

4. "I don’t want a fantasy romance like those in the movies, I look towards a realistic and truthful relationship.” Honest, straighforward and open minded girls are OK, but girls who are soft on the outside but really fierce on the insides are a NO. Must have an opinion, not be too girly, and must like to freely express what she likes.

5. In terms of dressing up as girls, Taemin is the most suitable, but the prettiest is still the one who is looking into the mirror (ie. Key), if he really wants to do it, even a true woman will not be able to match up to him. (Proudly)

6. Is confident that he can be a gourmet chef, nobody can escape his dumplings trap.

7. “To be an idol, it’s not enough to just put in effort in the front appearance, your back appearance is important too.”

8. Good at saying honeyed words, but hearing lines like “Are you hurt? I am hurting too.” makes him burst out in laughter.

9. “If I were to become Yunhanam’s director, the viewing rates ought to be able to rise.” (smug)

10. His personal talent is imitating a robotic character from a cartoon show, the classic line being “Woah! Money! With money anything can be done!!”

11. Good at preparing, good at analyzing, belongs to the kind who is able to work out a plan from scratch with just a single detail.

12. “You cannot avoid me, you must look at me in the eyes.”

13. It’s his nature to take care of people? At first he was just Taemin’s umma, after that his nagging extends to include all of the members, and now it is becoming that he nags at whoever he sees.

14. Still nagging. Because he has been too naggy, Taemin really wants to change his umma now…

15. Become a girl? Then he would date all the other members once and see how it is. Does not know how it is like when they are in front of a girl, he is really curious about it.

16. “The person who is able to meet an ET who has come to earth and not feel scared but instead in able to converse naturally with it is Key…Even if he is left on an abadoned island, he will still be able to find a way to survive.” (JONGHYUN)

17. As long as he is being sincerely asked to do something, he will do it no matter how unwilling he is, even if he does not like to do it.

18. Sentimental and sensitive, even if it just a piece of paper from someone who he cares about, he will take really good care of it.

19. The group’s No.1 in fashion. Red, white, blue, it is normal for him to carry off these colours which are easy to carry off, but for colours like pink and grass green which are more difficult to pull off, he is still able to do it.

20. “I hope that this album can receive a lot of love from everyone, and, if only our friends all know SHINee’s songs, they only know 'Noona is so pretty’ …”

Matters needing attention: Height phobia: Will feeling giddy, disgusted, off balanced when standing on high grounds, feels very dangerous if he is suspended in midair.

The X catalyst: Rollercoaster or bungee jump or water slide…

The O catalyst: Standing with both foot on the ground.

.

Translations by atlantis-x @ soompi/shineee.net / re-post from (x)(x)(Both links are broken now but they led to SHINee’s thread on the old Soompi forums)

[all-it-takes-is-pixie-dust]

Please read.

Hi guys.

So I haven’t made a post like this in forever, but this one is actually really important, and we need as many good thoughts and vibes our way that we can get. I know I have sucked in the past couple of years in using Tumblr, and I am trying to get better at using it more often. When I used to use Tumblr more often, I had a lot of people that would frequently talk to me and support me and, I am asking if those people are still using Tumblr, to please read on. If there’s anyone else out there that follows me and sees this, in advance, thank you for taking the time to read this. It means more to me than people will realize to have the extra support, so thank you.

I’m not going to go into details, because once you read on, you will understand why. But a couple days ago, my fiance Connor got brutally attacked in the middle of the night on the way back to our apartment, and right now he is in the ICU. He got shot twice, and they still have not been able to identify the attacker. They have some leads right now, but nothing solid yet. Connor needed to have emergency surgery to save his life, and he has not been able to wake up yet. I am beyond terrified out of my mind, I still am at this very second. These last few days have been hell not only for me, but for everyone involved, and really there are no words out there that can possibly describe the fear/terror that I am feeling right now, how his mother and brother are feeling, how his best friend is feeling...how all of us involved are feeling. When I got the call in the middle of the night three nights ago now from his mother telling me what happened...I can’t even begin to go over that, i just can’t. It was my worst nightmare come true, and that whole conversation keeps replaying over and over again in my head, and I can’t escape it. This is my worst nightmare, come true. Connor is truly the love of my life, we are expecting our first baby girl together at the end of May...I know a lot of people on here won’t know, but we have been trying for a long time now to get pregnant, I had some really bad health issues for a good year and a half that are finally over now, but we had a hell of a time for a while trying to get pregnant, and Connor was my rock during this time period. I can’t even begin to go over how thrilled we were when I finally took the pregnancy test and discovered that I was actually pregnant. Now today, the doctors are saying he still hasn’t been able to wake up, and they put him in a medically induced coma. They won’t allow him to have any visitors, and it is hell for me because all I want to do is just be there with him, hold his hand, and talk to him and tell him how much I love him. Even if he may not be awake right now, it is taking everything in me not to rush past the nurses and doctors that have to hold me back just to run over to where he is and stay there until he, God willing, wakes up. The only reason I have been able to make it through these past couple of days, is because of Connor’s family, and people like Chase, Derek, Toran, and Dylan. They have all been here right by my side, holding my hand, and crying with me. If it wasn’t for all of them, I probably would not have been able to make it this far. I have never prayed so much in the last couple of days as I have now. I am a stubborn person, and I will admit that I am not really taking good care of myself right now, and thankfully I have the others, but all I really want right now is Connor, and he isn’t even up. We don’t know when he is going to be able to wake up, the doctors I know are trying all that they can to make him better, and I know I need to have faith and let Connor have time for his body to heal, but the problem is that I’m so terrified that right now, I can barely even function. I can barely even breathe, and, that is the reality.

The reason why I am making this post is I’m just asking for everyone on here who has made it this far into reading this, if you can please pray for Connor, if you can keep him in your thoughts this week, you have no idea how much that is going to mean to me. I cannot live without him, he is really my soul mate in life, and I do not want him going anywhere. I also want the person that has done this to Connor, to be caught and be brought to justice. Thank you everyone, I cannot type anymore. I need to stop. But thank you to anyone that reads this, that will pray for my fiance and pray for his healing. You have no idea what it means to me in a time like this. So thank you. God Bless You, and know it means everything to all of us to have the extra support and prayers coming our way. Thank you all.

[admiralty-xfd]

Culmination

This is the final chapter. If you only read one, let this be the one. It helped me feel better after the finale while staying true to every (unfortunate) word of canon. Thanks to everyone who followed along this journey!

This is chapter 20. To start at the beginning please click here.

EMANCIPATION

(My Struggle IV)

JACKSON

He’s been running for weeks. He’s so tired of running. He may be almost eighteen, but he’s still only a kid and he’s afraid.

He thinks of his parents, dead on the floor of his house, blood everywhere. The horror he’d felt in that moment. It was the same kind of horror he’d felt when he knew what had happened to Brianna and Sarah.

Everything was just a joke before that, everything was just for fun. When and why had it gone so horribly wrong?

He doesn’t know where these powerful impulses are coming from. Ever since he was younger and noticed he was different than the other kids, he’s felt a deep desire to understand why he is the way he is.

And he wonders about his birth parents. They must know something about these powers he has. His adoptive parents only know as much as he’s allowed them to see, but they had to know more than he’s let on, or else they’d never have made that deal with the government and ended up in their swanky house in this new town where he has to go to a new school where he has no friends, only girls to torment.

But his birth parents know the truth. They have to.

He doesn’t know why he didn’t talk to them in the hospital, when he was hiding, breathing heavily under a desk, scared out of his wits.

“We just want to make sure you’re okay,” his birth mother had said. He believed her. She’d never come looking for him before. He wasn’t angry about it, he just felt a little rejected.

It had been his chance to get answers and he blew it.

He sees her in his visions, and sometimes in his dreams. Occasionally he has trouble discerning which are visions and which are dreams, but he quickly decides it doesn’t matter.

Her name is Dana Scully and she is his mother. She is beautiful and somewhat mysterious. And sad… so sad. He knows this even when they aren’t sharing each other’s pain through their visions. He wishes she weren’t so sad, that there was something he could do for her.

She works for the government and this gives him pause, adds to his confusion. It’s guys from the government who are pursuing him. They’re the ones who killed his parents.

He knows Dana Scully is expecting a baby, too. He’s seen it in his visions.

He doesn’t understand why she gave him up, even though he heard every word she said to him while he was feigning death in the morgue. She’d said she wanted to keep him safe, but from what? From whom?

The only person anyone needs to be kept safe from is himself.

I’m so sorry that I didn’t get a chance to know you, or you get a chance to know me or your father.

His father.

There’s a man, one about his birth mother’s age, who has appeared in his visions as well. He’s the same man he saw her with in the hospital; Fox Mulder. He knows this is the man Dana Scully thinks is his father. He has kind eyes, and dark hair like his own, and he loves her, and she loves him. He doesn’t need to know them to know this. It radiates off them both like energy.

But he’s seen visions of two men, two “fathers,” and whenever he sees them his confusion grows.

The other man… well, he doesn’t know how or why, but he has a horrible feeling in his gut that this man must be his real father. He has to be. Why else would he be having these bad impulses? Why else would he do these horrible things? This isn’t him, this isn’t the person he is. It has to be coming from this evil man, he can’t think of another explanation.

This man is old, far too old to be involved romantically with his birth mother who is so clearly in love with the other guy, anyway. He can’t figure out how or why a third party could be involved at all.

But he hears him in his head, plain as day, saying he made him, he created him. He makes it sound like he’s some monster he came up with in a laboratory.

Maybe he is a monster. It would be fitting.

There’s something wrong with him, he knows that much. He feels it every day. It’s why he acts out the way he does, because he doesn’t know what else to do, or how else to alleviate his own pain. He shares it with others and hates himself afterwards. He’s a mutant, or something inhuman, he has to be.

And they all call him William. William, his identity, apparently, since before he can even remember. Who is this “William” person? He can’t possibly describe how strange it feels to be called by the name of someone he is not. Every time he hears the name it stirs something inside of him; discomfort, like he’s had this completely different life that was unlived. A fake life. An idea.

His birth parents couldn’t possibly know about these urges he has that he can only describe as evil. What else could it be? Why else would he have these powers? They can’t be used for good, at least not any that he’s discovered. All he can do with them is hurt people, and he has. He’s a danger to anyone who comes near him. A menace.

Now that he thinks about it, maybe his birth mother did know it after all. Maybe it’s why she gave him away in the first place. He would, if he were her.

He’s questioning everything, about who he is and where he came from and why he is the way he is. He wants answers. He needs answers.

This is the only reason he lets this man Fox Mulder into his motel room.

The man standing outside his door truly believes he is Jackson’s father, and maybe he is. Maybe they will never know the truth. The only thing he’s sure of is that he’s a friend, not a foe. And that this man, Mulder, is going to die for him.

He’s seen it in his visions. There’s nothing he can do about that.

But he’s been on his own for weeks and he’s grateful to see a friendly face, even that of a stranger. So he unlocks the latch and slowly opens the door. Fox Mulder enters, looking exhausted but happy to see him.

“This may seem strange to you, but I’ve been looking for you forever,” he says.

Before Jackson can respond this stranger is hugging him tightly. He lets him, but doesn’t return the hug. Everything about this is uncomfortable.

“I held you when you were a baby,” Mulder says.

“Okay, maybe you did, but I don’t remember that,” Jackson explains. Even if half his DNA came from this man it doesn’t change the fact that this is the first time he’s met him, at least in his own memory.

“I know you know who I am, you hid from me. And from your mother.”

Jackson wants to tell this guy to hold up, slow his roll, he isn’t his father, she isn’t his mother. His parents were murdered, because of him. All because of him.

But something deep inside won’t let him because he knows this man cares deeply about him. He knows because he can hear it in his thoughts; something else he’s noticed he can do from time to time. He hasn’t quite honed this ability but when a thought is strong enough he can hear it; he can feel it. It’s how he knew the trucker who picked him up earlier had ill intentions. It’s how he knew the man who picked him up next wished him harm as well.

Now as he looks into the eyes of this man who believes he is his father, he hears love in his thoughts; love for a tiny baby, love for his birth mother, all wrapped up alongside more immediate thoughts of confusion and urgency.

Fox Mulder wants to help him, but he can’t. Jackson tries to explain this to him, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He has no clue what’s headed their way, no clue of the danger he’s put them both in by coming here. He has no idea what danger he’s put himself in by wanting anything to do with him.

Sure enough, Jackson’s pursuers enter the motel room hell bent on taking him into custody, setting in motion a chain of events that will lead to the end of the entire world. He knows there’s only one way out.

He has no choice. He cannot let them take him. He’s seen how it all ends.

As the red mist of the remnants of his attackers float through the air like a fog of death, Mulder looks at Jackson with a fear in his eyes he never wants to see again.

So he runs, again.

***

He’s hiding, and resting. He knows he only has so much time before they find him again. He looks around in the darkness, at the catwalks and stairwells of this familiar abandoned place; a place where he’d hang out with kids from school. Kids who never really understood him.

“...Jackson?”

A woman’s voice. He stands up. She steps out of the shadows, looking furtively behind her. She’s pretty, with brown hair and kind eyes. She looks a little familiar.

“Jackson, don’t be afraid, my name is Monica.”

“Monica Reyes,” she thinks. Well, she’s not lying about her name. That’s a start.

“Who are you?” Something tells him he doesn’t need to run, that this woman is a friend. The mind reading is getting easier by the hour, apparently.

“I’m only here as a friend, please don’t run.”

“What do you want?”

“I need to tell you something very important, something you need to know.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

She takes a deep breath. “I don’t have much time. There’s a man here, a man who is looking for you. I think you know who I’m talking about.”

“I don’t know how long he’ll be asleep in the car… that sedative loses potency in smoke…”

“The old guy? The crazy one?”

She nods. “I want you to know he’s a liar, and you don’t have to listen to anything he says, Jackson. You don’t.”

“You mean the guy who smokes all the time? I see him, in my head. He says he’s my real father.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t listen to him. He’s not your father. He’s just a sad old man who is desperate for some validation.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Your real parents are old friends of mine. Their names are Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. I know you’ve seen them, too.”

“How do you know this? How do you know what I see? How can you know who my parents are?”

She stands in front of him now, smiling. “I’ve watched you for your entire life. I knew you so long ago.”

“I delivered you myself.”

He looks at her, incredulous. “You’ve… been watching me? My whole life?”

She nods.

“Why?”

“I’ve only been trying to keep you safe. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”

“Do you know about me, then? Why... I am the way I am?” She has to be telling the truth, she has to be. Maybe she can give him the answers he needs.

“You deserve to know the truth after all these years.”

“And once I’ve told you, I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive.”

Jackson is silent, waiting. He doesn’t know what to say to this.

“You were part of a secret program run by the government. Parts of the government most of the country isn’t aware of. They experiment with alien DNA, trying to create hybrids and new lifeforms. You were one of these experiments.”

Jackson is confused. Alien? He’s… an alien?

“Are you talking about this Project Crossroads thing? My parents left some papers out that I wasn’t supposed to find. They had my name on them. So I tried to find out what I could. I couldn’t get very far.”

Monica is nodding. “You were one of a number of random children who were created through this program. All of them failures, but you… you were different. You were… special.”

“Special how?”

“This bad man… the man who smokes... who oversaw the program for many years, he hadn’t counted on something. He hadn’t counted on your mother and father having such a unique combination of DNA. Combined with the alien science he used to create you, you were completely unique. You were the one they were waiting for.”

“How can you possibly know all this?” Jackson’s mind is reeling. What the hell is going on? This all sounds like something out of a movie, or a comic book. How is he a part of any of this? How can this be real?

It must be real, he thinks. After the things he’s seen, the things he’s done... She must be telling the truth.

“The people who did this, after they verified what you were, just how special you were, they planned to let your mother raise you, until you were old enough to be useful. At that point, some point far into the future, they would strike.”

“Strike? Strike how?”

“They need you, your unique physiology, to protect themselves from the coming alien apocalypse. The smoking man is insane, hell bent. He wants to unleash a plague on the entire population and use you to save himself. It has to be you, Jackson. You’re the only one who can save anyone. If he were to find you… well, it would be unthinkable.”

The pandemic. He definitely saw this in his visions.  

“How did you get involved in all of this?”

“I was approached by a man named Jeffrey Spender, a couple years after your mother had to let you go. He had been the one to convince her to give you up for adoption anonymously. He knew the only way to keep you away from the smoking man was to make you disappear. And he had to make Scully believe she had no choice.”

Jackson absorbs this. “So… that’s why she gave me away?”

“She didn’t know any of this. About the experiment, about the smoking man’s involvement, none of it… she only wanted to keep you safe.”

Jackson feels a wave of heavy emotion rise within Monica.

“It was so hard for her, Jackson. I was there with her when she made the decision. I’ve never seen anyone so heartbroken. She wanted you so much. She loved you so much.”

This is all too much to take. He wanted to believe his mother didn’t want him, that he meant nothing to her. He knows now it wasn’t true, especially after hearing her in the morgue, but it would make everything so much easier if it were.

“Jeffrey Spender was able to track you with a metallic substance he injected into you as a baby. He knew exactly where you were all the time. But he knew Scully could never find out. He then enlisted my help in keeping the smoking man at bay, so he could never find you.”

“But… why couldn’t my mother be the one? Why couldn’t she protect me? Or my father?”

“There had been numerous attempts on your life, and she was afraid she just couldn’t keep you safe. What she didn’t realize is that the smoking man knows where she is, all the time. She has alien technology inside her in the form of an implant. He’s able to track her, know everything about her because of this implant. It’s what he used to make you possible, Jackson. So if she knew your whereabouts, he would know too, and you would be in danger. This is what Jeffrey Spender knew, this is why he had to convince her to let you go.”

“Did my parents know about any of this? I mean… my adoptive parents?”

“They didn’t know the truth. Your parents thought they were helping you by getting the government involved. There’s no way they could have known the real dangers.”

He thinks of his parents, dead on the kitchen floor. And of his birth mother, sending him off to strangers because just being around him put them both in danger. Will he ever be able to keep anyone safe? Can anyone truly be safe with him?

“Why now? Why is all this happening now?”

“When the Department of Defense discovered where you lived and started keeping tabs on you, I knew it wouldn’t be long before the smoking man tracked you down. Even Spender knew we needed to protect you.”

“What about these visions I keep seeing? They’re visions of the future, I know it. They’re scary, and real, and I know my birth mother sees them too.”

“The smoking man is responsible. He has control over the connection you have with your mother. It’s just a possible future, Jackson. We can prevent it. We can.”

“I’m so afraid you’re going to die and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Jackson tries to push her thoughts away, he tries, but he hears them loud and clear. He’s starting to suspect there is only one way out for him. There is only one way out for the entire planet.

“You can’t let him find you,” she is pleading now. “You can’t. Everything depends upon it.”

Jackson stares at her. This is a lot of information to take. He’s not sure what to believe anymore.

“You have to believe me, Jackson. I did everything to protect you, to protect my friends. I gave up everything, I…” she trails off, tears are welling in her eyes.

“But… why? Why are you helping me?”

Monica looks at her hands. There’s something so sad about her, something tragic, but whatever it is she isn’t thinking about it right now, so he can’t know it.

“I… had to. Your mother… she means a lot to me, Jackson. She was my friend. When I knew you were in danger, that you all were in danger… well, I did what I could. I had no idea the price I would pay.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell her any of this? Why would you keep something like this from her?” He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand any of it.

“I had to. I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t even be in contact with her. She couldn’t know where you were or the smoking man would be right behind her. It was impossible. If she knew… if she’d known I knew where you were this entire time and didn’t tell her… she’d hate me, Jackson. So I haven’t spoken to her, not in years.”

The tears in her eyes are falling down her cheeks now. She’s so sad, such a sad person. He feels horrible for all of this, all this pain he’s caused. All these people he’s affected. He just wants it all to be over.

“Your parents loved you so much,” Monica smiles. “They’re good people. I just… need you to know that, Jackson. And the smoking man… he could never understand how much they care about you. You were just an experiment to him, but you weren’t to your parents. They’ve suffered so much, worried about you so much. If only you knew…”

She stops for a moment, and looks behind her again. He can tell she’s running out of time.

“I know he’s been in your mind. I know he can make you see things, things that aren’t true. A future that’s unwritten, that doesn’t have to be.”

“How can I stop it?”

“You die,” she thinks.

“You stay hidden," she says. "Don’t let him find you.”

Monica looks behind her one more time. “I have to go.” She walks a couple steps towards him and squints at him a bit, smiling.

“You look like him, you know? Like your father.”

She looks at him for a moment, then turns and runs away. He never sees Monica Reyes again.

***

The smoking man is in front of him, aiming a gun at his face. At Mulder’s face.

In this moment Jackson feels such relief, such release. He will end this all right now. Maybe he was meant to be here, exactly the way he’s seen it go down in his premonition.

He was meant to save his birth parents. He was meant to save the world. He was meant to die.

He wasn’t meant to be.

“The boy would rather die first, now that he knows the truth,” he tells the smoking man.

“That I’m the one who made him? That I’m William’s creator?” The old man is pointing the gun at him, smiling, his eyes manic. For a moment he wonders if the guy has actually lost his damn mind.

He doesn’t know who this man is. Hell, he doesn’t know who “William” is. He may have created William, but he didn’t create Jackson. He has no claim over Jackson whatsoever.

One thing he knows for certain is that this man is evil. He has to be stopped. He wants to tell him to go to hell but he needs to keep up this charade or this man will find him, catch him. Then everyone will die.

He knows it. He can see it.

He lifts his eyes to the sky, then closes them in acceptance. “I don’t think you can do it.”

“Then you don’t know me very well,” the old man replies, cold as ice.

The last thing Jackson sees is Fox Mulder emerging from the factory, running towards him, and the last thing he feels is despair from Dana Scully, wherever she is, before everything goes black.

***

The bullet had gone directly into his frontal lobe, and straight back into his temporal lobe.

It was a strange sensation, as if he could feel himself dying. He could feel every atom the bullet had pierced disappear into oblivion, including the connection he’d had with his mother. He doesn’t know how or why but it’s gone, and so is her pain.

He’s relieved he doesn’t have to feel that anymore, not from her.

As he bobs at the surface of the water, he sees the old man floating next to him, dead. The connection he had with this man is also completely gone. This brings him a sense of peace, that the world is somehow safe from this monster.

Jackson smiles and tears start to fall. He knows it’s over now, it’s all over. And he’s alive. He didn’t have to die after all. His relief, however, soon becomes confusion as to why and how he survived.

His hand goes to his forehead and he feels it: a large bullet hole, front and center.

...How?

Something deep inside has stirred, it’s telling him he has the power to destroy, yes… but also the power to heal. That’s a good thing, a hopeful thing.

He swims over to the dock’s edge and begins to climb the ladder. As his eyes slowly rise over the edge he sees them together, his birth parents. At first he thinks it’s just Mulder, but he then can see Scully wrapped into him as if they are one. They are holding onto each other, sobbing. He’s kissing the top of her head and she is hugging him tightly. Both their shoulders are hitching in emotion. The love he saw before is shining through, even in their grief.

He knows they loved him. He knows it.

Part of him wants to pull himself up onto the dock and run to them, saying he’s here, he’s alive, everything is okay!

But he doesn’t. Somehow he knows he doesn’t belong here. He meant what he said when he told her to let him go. The look he’d seen in Mulder’s eyes when he’d killed all those people is a look he never wants to see in his eyes again.

And not ever in her eyes.

He wants her to remember him a different way. He wants her to remember the way it was, back when they were together. He wants her to be at peace.

Don’t give up on the bigger picture.

He’d said this to her weeks ago and he still feels its weight in his heart. They have a future, and it doesn’t need to be filled with grief, and pain, and guilt.

It doesn’t need to be filled with fear for him, and of him.

Maybe he’ll see them again someday. He’s on his own again, and no one is chasing him anymore. It’s the way he wants it. For now, at least. It’s his choice.

He watches them for a few moments, just standing there, holding each other, and waits for them to depart, her head resting on his shoulder, his arm around her.

There’s a truth that enters his mind, something he couldn’t see before. He isn’t a monster. He isn’t a mutant. He isn’t evil.

Something evil could never have come from a love like that.

SCULLY

A conversation between two friends on a rock led to an observation she couldn’t deny for years.

Mulder, a modern day Captain Ahab, endlessly searching for the white whale that was his truth. At the time she’d felt frustrated, even annoyed that she couldn’t seem to get it.

Now, oh boy, does she ever get it.

She’d been on the sidelines for years, watching Mulder search for his sister with steadfast determination. She’d shared in his pain as any friend would, and later in their relationship she shared it in a more powerful way. When he’d finally learned the truth and could let Samantha go, it was such a relief; for both him and for her.

Now she’s at the helm of the Pequod, staring ahead at the horizon, searching for her own white whale.

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[daddycardan]

I started reading tcp because I was curious about the hype surrounding the series but I have...mixed feelings about it. but I really enjoyed twk and I thought it was much better than the first book. can you do a review on both books and include things that you liked and things that you didn't?

Okay, so I’m obviously pretty happy with the series since I’ve been fangirling over it for quite a long time, BUT I don’t claim that it is perfect. It has its flaws. Recently I convinced my friend to read it, and now that she finally got into the first book, she pointed out a few pros and cons as well, so I think I can see it a little more clearly than I used to.

So first on the Cruel Prince. I love this book. L O V E it. It is one of the best books I’ve ever read, okay? But it was not an instant love, not like I opened it and immediately was obsessed. When I started reading it, it took me like a month to slowly work through the first 5 or so chapters. Not that it was boring but it… but it didn’t quite drag me in either. Ok, I’m gonna say it, the beginning is not a literary masterpiece. I love the world, I love the mood, I love cruel faeries, but it kinda just drops you into the middle of it, without explaining much, and suddenly an inky eyed, clawed imp is braiding Jude’s hair, and they are just about to head to the revel which takes place inside of a hill, full of weird, colourful, long-eared creatures that I’ve never even heard of. What the is an imp, to begin with? Is this common knowledge and I’m just dumb, or what? I cannot imagine this creature, can u at least describe it? And like what the hell, are they inside a hill? Hills are filled with fucking earth, right? What is happening??? So, yeah at first I was a lil confused about it, and I missed the descriptions of these different kinds of imps, goblins, brownies, nixies and pixies and motherfuxies,,,

also Jude’s narrator voice is a little unsteady and confusing at first. So there is a chapter at the beginning, where Jude tells about her childhood memories and starts to talk directly to us, readers, and it seems like she knows that we are listening to her thoughts. But other times, we hear her thoughts as she is talking to herself, and she is not aware of us witnessing it. So this was a little weird for me, but I got over it quickly, and the story just sucked me in as the plot moved forward. The things that I really loved is mostly the the characters. They are so unique and interesting, and always developing unlike in most books where u get the basic teenage Mary Sue who falls for the hot blonde six-pack guy for the first sight and ahhhh I’m so fucking sick of that! I loved that Jude is like a real person, Holly doesn’t try to make her perfectly beautiful or clever and all that crap. Jude makes mistakes and does stupid things and screws everything up, and I love it because it’s actually relatable but also really inspiring, seeing how she works hard and gets to the top like the badass queen she is. And she doesn’t manage that by falling in love with the guy, or being the chosen one, or possessing superpowers, no fuck it, Jude earns her place by sweat and blood and I’m fuckin here for it. Ok this “review” went into a rant real quick sorry lol

But to mention a few more things I didn’t like: it’s kinda insignificant, but I’ve actually read TCP for the first time in Hungarian and the translation was legit embarrassing. Just shitty on a whole new level. Like, no joke, even I could do better than that. (Any other people who’ve read it in other languages? Are they any good??) Also, this is a personal preference, but the bloodshed wasn’t gruesome enough for my taste. (I was kinda wishing for Game of Thrones style descriptions.) Like the slaughter of the royal family or Jude’s parents, they describe the thing like “his blood was dripping like rubies”, but c’mon this is kids mode. They should say something like “he pressed his hands against his slashed stomach, trying to stop his insides from spilling out. He was fighting for his last breath while choking on his own blood” ANYWAY. 

Alsoo another con, and this is a huge one. Okay, so u guys remember that one chapter towards like, the middle? When Jude sneaks into Hollow Hall and kidnaps the mortal servant Sophie for no apparent reason other than empathy??and tries to get her out of Faerie but she falls into the water and “dies”? So, that chapter made literally no sense. Sorry, Holly, but dis is tru. I felt like Jude was so OOC in that scene, I don’t think she would take such risk only out of empathy. I genuinely thought that Holly was foreshadowing or like planting a plotline with this, but we’ve never heard about Sophie again. Oh, only once, in the next revel when she was standing there with the Undersea court, turned into a weird sea monster. But like, in TWK, she is never mentioned again. And will she play a role in QON? I don’t know. Maybe. But for now, it just looks like Holly dropped or forgot about this plotline.

So now, moving on to the Wicked King, I cannot say too much about it, because this book was nearly perfect. Sorry, I’m just really biased with this little paper baby. I definitely think that TWK was better than TCP, but like, don’t get me wrong, they both are excellent. So in TWK I really loved how fast paced it was, full of emotional tension and political intrigue and OF COURSE plot twists. The faerie world widened even further with the involvement of the Undersea and we could see more of the High Court as well. Character development was on  f l e e k  especially with my boi Cardan, whom I’m really proud of (also kinda hating him). The only con that I can think of from the top of my head it that mayyybe it was a lil too fast-paced. Maaayyybe it was a little too overwhelming at times. I would have appreciated if Holly put some breathers in, u know, some chilled moments, with characters just bonding, banter, possibly some more Jurdan moments, and to just calm my nerves down a little, because this was a wild ride.

[momestuck]

Epilogues: Candy, chapters 14-15 [Epilogue 3]

On to Epilogue 3.

The last Epilogue ended with a cliffhanger: prior to his disappearance, Dirk was constructing a ‘feminine’ robot, which Dave discovers is holding a note in its hand.

CW suicide for chapter 14. A successful suicide by hanging is described in some detail.

Also this Epilogue is really short and I actually read an entire nother epilogue before I realised that, so the next post will be very soon after this one!

Chapter 14

We get a POV chapter of Dirk, which might answer our question. This chapter is in second person, and brings back the “> Ascend” prompt, used so much throughout Homestuck. All that we know is “the world has been set on a path you cannot tread”. There are apparently no stakes or consequences - so Dirk has decided to kill himself. He succeeds, decapitating himself by hanging himself from a tower in a rather grim recapitulation of all the Dirk’s head jokes.

The narration is extremely self-aggrandising and condescending towards everyone else, as befits Dirk. Although exactly why he felt John’s decision to stay rendered anything he might do in the new world devoid of meaning or consequence, or prevented him from popping out into the Farthest Realm to get involved in some plots out there, is not immediately clear.

Although he’s god tier, the death ‘takes’:

Your body doesn’t get up, and your head doesn’t open its eyes. When you think so little of yourself as a moral character, any act of self-termination will result in a death that is Just. 

Friggin’ Dirk.

Chapter 15

Funeral time. It begins about as awkward and ridiculously as Dirk himself.

Most of it is given to a speech by Dave. It’s well-written, in-voice, and makes me feel stuff about Dirk Strider. He specifically addresses intrusive thoughts about suicide, the shit that Bro did, the way that Dirk mattered to them even as weird and self-absorbed as he was. Which does kinda mean something, because I guess I feel like, like Dirk, I live a lot in my head, follow trains of thought that mean very little to other people, but I’ve managed to make myself matter to others anyway.

Not gonna kill myself though. Not anymore.

Gamzee, for some reason, has Dirk’s note, and accidentally destroys it. The narration continues to emphasise how disgusting Gamzee is: how much he smells, how he’s clumsy, openly scratches his crotch, etc. His attempt to recap Dirk’s final message is mostly skimmed over in narration. Jake’s also gonna give a speech but the camera mercifully spares us that.

John, at this point, offers to retcon the suicide. Because... he can actually do that. There’s a brief discussion of the difference between time travel and retcon (if Dave went back, it would allegedly just create a separate timeline where Dirk does not die). Dave is like, no, don’t do that John... but John attempts to do it anyway, only to find his powers no longer work!

At that point Roxy shows up and proposes. What’s that thing they have in America, where the studios are doing a donation drive so they write loads of really dramatic moments into shows? ‘Sweeps’? ...oh it’s actually to do with the ratings system, trying to court advertiser money, but same difference. It feels like that right now.

Something about this doesn’t feel... right? Just a few weeks ago, Roxy was happy with Calliope, and now she wants to have his babies? John feels like he’s missing something important here, like he went for a bathroom break during the part of the movie where the plot twist happens. He should give Roxy some time, get himself some space. It’s all happened so fast that it’s suffocating.

Yeah. Calliope hasn’t shown up onscreen for quite a lot of chapters. What are we missing? What profound effect has John’s decision to stay had, that’s caused everyone to suddenly be obsessed with pinning down ‘endgame’ relationships, having children etc.?

Roxy once again prophesises that they will be ‘so freakin happy!’. I’m getting more and more uneasy every time those words are uttered.

(Apparently ‘prophesise’ is nonstandard, but I like the sound of it more than ‘to prophesy’, so I’m keeping that, nyeh.)

Epilogue 3 as a whole

Suicide’s a heavy subject, and describing in second-person and in detail is intense reading, but also a pretty harsh thing to do without (localised) warning. I would personally have put a content note at the top of this chapter, and invited the reader to skip to the aftermath if they felt the need.

The funeral was well-written, even if we’re like, skating from dramatic moment to dramatic moment - deaths! funerals! proposals!

I imagine if I was more invested in Dirk I’d be a bit frustrated to see him so abruptly killed off, but I suspect he’ll have a much more substantial role in Meat.

Will be interesting to see just what is up with Calliope...