#Them both holding to past events and perceptions.

[another-clive-blog]

I am thinking SO HARD about these two's dynamic (I was supposed to have a second piece with them harassing Dimitri but I'll spare him for now)

[casuallyawkardd]

Dating Miguel O'Hara NSFW

Pairing: Miguel O'Hara x GN!Reader

Summary: Same thing as my other 'Dating Miguel O'Hara', this time for the grown ups

Warnings: NSFW MINORS DNI! Sex, rough sex, oral sex, praising/degradation, breeding kink, consensual somnophilia, maybe angst if you squint, not fluent in spanish so correct me if I'm wrong on grammar/translations

A/N: I didn't use the same taglist as my past fics cuz idk how many of you are comfortable with this kinda stuff so please fill out my new TAGLIST if mature content is your thang 💅

First Time

Miguel would hold off until you're ready, honestly he's so busy he forgets how high his sex drive is and can get easily distracted. It's a week or so after you two became official and he can pick up on the signs. You're wearing something a little more revealing for date night, something to show off his favorite parts of you. Specifically your ass and thighs. Being a bit more touchy with a hand on his arm or leaning in close when he's talking.

He can even smell it on you, the faint scent of your pheromones making his head fuzzy. Hear how your heart beats a little faster when you invite him up to your place. The man has heightened senses, making him more perceptible to how your body reacts to him.

The first time he restrains himself a lot. Miguel is very much aware of what he's capable of, the last thing he wants to do is hurt you. On top of that, he's a big guy. A big guy who's...proportional. In every aspect. It's a canon event. He's a lot to accommodate and he knows it, so he takes his time.

Preps you well for him. Fingers pressing past your lips, letting you suckle the digits until they're slick with saliva, only to then spread you open with two fingers. Three when he realizes you're tighter than he had expected. It gives him the chance to figure out what makes you tick. What places his fingers have to graze that make your hips buck against his palm. Where to curl them to make you moan louder and arch your back so your chest is flush with his. How fast he has to move them to drive you over the edge.

However, no amount of fingering can prepare you for what's to come. It's a stretch regardless, a dull burn as he bottoms out. The first time hurts, but at the same time you feel so full. It's a deliciously addictive sensation, the pain and pleasure mixing together. Miguel trails kisses along your neck and shoulder, praising you as you adjust.

"Mierda, you're so tight for me."

"Take me so well, cariño"

You learn very quickly how vocal this man is, a stark contrast to his usual quiet and brooding attitude. Moaning and grunting shamelessly when he begins to move. He reminds himself to hold back, but that doesn't stop him from thrusting deeply into you. Falling into a steady rhythm as he ruts his hips against yours. You're trapped under him, his forearms and sheer mass caging you in. Miguel can feel his control slipping and he fights it every step of the way.

The teeth nipping and marking your neck and shoulders moving to bite into the flesh of his wrists when his fangs come out. Gripping your sheets and pillows so he doesn't accidentally cut the skin of your hips with his claws. He wants to though. He so desperately wants to grab you so he can fuck you even harder, move you to his liking. Miguel notes that he'll have to get you new bedding, like the kind at his place, after ripping up your pillows and sheets.

He makes sure to treat you well so you come back for more, picking up on every request and plea until you reach your climax. As you flutter around his cock, you get a taste of just how rough he can be. Miguel adjusts his thighs to be under yours, lifting and angling your hips so he can reach deeper, if that's possible. The last few thrusts fast and creating the most obscene sounds of skin slapping against skin.

When he's spent, he moans right in your fucking ear to let you know. His head moves to rest on your chest as you both catch your breath, you combing your fingers through his hair and placing rewarding kisses on the dark curls. Your breath catches in your throat when he lifts his eyes to you, the red of them glowing in the low light.

"No crees que hemos terminado, ¿verdad?" You don't think we're done, do you?

Early On

It takes some time to convince him that he's not going to kill you while you two are having sex. While he thinks he'll cause irreparable damage, both mentally and physically, if he loses control, you on the other hand trust him unconditionally. He's a good guy, a superhero for crying out loud, you don't see any reason to doubt him until he gives you a reason to.

It starts with little things to boost his confidence. Hands on your hips when you ride him, letting him pull you down on his cock when you move at a teasingly slow pace. A hand tangled in your hair while he fucks your throat, encouraging you to take him deeper with every thrust harder than the last.

It all pays off one night after the two of you get into a fight. In hindsight, it was over something stupid. Some asshole had made some inappropriate comments about you and that riled him up. You, on the other hand, could care less. He was just some dumbass who was mad you turned him down. Who then became even more bitter when Miguel showed up and he saw who he was 'competing' with.

Maybe it was because you didn't care, or because Miguel was still riled up from the interaction, either way he had to take out his frustration somehow. You don't know how you ended up bent over the back of the couch, Miguel plowing into you with no remorse, but you loved it. Rough sex was never something you thought you'd be interested in, but having his claws tear your clothes from your body and his sharp fangs graze suggestively along your jugular makes you excited. Makes you want more.

"You're such a fucking brat, mi amor"

"Remember who makes you feel this good next time some cabrón decides to eye fuck you."

Once he's finished 'teaching you a lesson', his words not yours, he treats you the usual aftercare. Cleaning you with a warm washcloth, preparing a bath if you ask him to, combing his fingers through your hair and praising you for being so good. It's when you're going to bed you realize that he finally let loose. And like you said, he didn't kill you. Just left you with some bruising and maybe a few nicks from when he tore your clothes off.

You make a mental note to reward him with breakfast and some morning head tomorrow.

Favorite Things

In terms of what Miguel enjoys doing with you during your-ahem- alone time, where to even begin.

In terms of kinks, it's a given that he has a breeding kink. Even if you are unable to actually have kids, he still just loves cumming inside you. To the point that when he finally pulls out his cum leaks down your thigh and he has to push it back in with his fingers. If you can get pregnant, he gets off on the idea of you carrying his child. Belly swollen with his baby inside of you. Pride flaring up in his chest at the mere thought of it.

Somnophilia is an unexpected turn on for him. It makes sense, after having multiple nights where you expect him to be home, only for him to arrive after you'd gone to sleep, sexual frustration was bound to happen. You'd talk about it beforehand, making sure it's all consensual. He'd come home to find you already in bed, in nothing but one of his shirts. No underwear. His indicator to know you needed him. Watching you be roused by his cock sliding into you, the half asleep moans falling from your lips, he finds it both mesmerizing and adorable.

Using his fangs on you is a rare treat. You had expressed interest at one point, wondering what it'd be like to be completely at his mercy when his venom leaves you immobile. It's not his favorite, but in those rare instances where he wants to remind you that you're his and only his, it comes in handy. You enjoy the manhandling aspect of it, Miguel bending you into whatever position he desires so he can fuck you stupid.

Sex positions depend on his mood. If he's feeling romantic, he likes to be able to look into your eyes. Mating press, cowgirl, even modified versions of the missionary position are what he enjoys. He also provides more foreplay, spending what feels like forever just pleasing you with his fingers and mouth. Especially his mouth. He loves thighs, so feeling yours clench around his head turns him on to no end. One time even, your thighs were positioned in just the wrong way when clamping around his neck, cutting off blood flow and he passed out; you were both too lost in the moment to notice until his body went limp on top of you. Don't worry, you guys had a good laugh about it when he finally came to.

"Dying between your thighs would be the perfect way to go, mi vida."

When he's in a bad mood, it's a different story. It's usually after a rough day at work or if you're pissing him off by being a tease/bratty. His goal is to have you trapped between his body and whatever surface he chooses, varying from the bed, to the couch, the wall, etc. Doggystyle, full Nelson and flat iron are popular choices. He's rougher than usual too, pulling your hair, leaving more hickies than normal and his dirty talk is more degrading than praising. Foreplay is more of a way to assert dominance over you, overstimulating you into submission.

"One more, cum one more time for me. Te voy a joder estúpido, putito." I'll fuck you stupid, little whore.

This is also the time when injury is more likely to occur. Nothing major, puncture marks from his claws on your hips and scratches from his fangs grazing your shoulder. You don't accept his apologies after because there's nothing to be sorry for.

On and Off

There will most likely be a phase in the relationship where the two of you are struggling to keep said relationship afloat. While problems in the bedroom are rare, issues usually being not enough sex, the relationship outside of that can be rocky. The both of you are busy and finding time to spend together becomes harder and harder to do.

The reasons for breaking up can vary. Sometimes it's on his end, Miguel wanting to protect you from his life as Spider-Man and wanting you to be happy and not waiting on him. Other times you're the one to end things because he doesn't provide you with the attention you deserve or because you feel like a burden to him and his work. Either way, even when you're not together officially, it's hard for the two of you to keep your hands off each other.

Miguel shows up to your apartment multiple times, most of the time uninvited. It's always late, the sound of the window to your living room sliding open, followed by his heavy footsteps is enough to wake you up. When you step out of your room, he greets you like a man starved. Sinking to his knees and wrapping his arms around your waist, lifting your shirt to leave kisses down your stomach.

"Been missing you so much, necesito recordar el sabor de ti." need to remember the taste of you.

He's trying to butter you up and you know it. Whether it be you missed him too or you're too tired to argue, you fall for it almost every time. Letting him grasp the back of your thighs to lift you as he stands, making his way to your bedroom with you in his arms and lips pressed against yours.

You don't know which you like better, the sex when you guys aren't together or the makeup sex that follows. Every. Single. Time. It's always after something happens, ranging between him finding out you're starting to date other people again to one of you surviving a near death experience. Either way, it always starts the same.

Miguel shows up at your place, as usual, but instead of groveling for your forgiveness, he's fuming. Mad that you're looking at other guys and not him, mad that he almost lost you, mad that he was stupid for letting you go in the first place...either way he's pissed off. A possessive hand at the nape of your neck, forcing you to look him in the eye. Eye contact is very important to him.

"You're mine, cariño. I'm not letting you go ever again."

After some bickering and maybe even shouting, the interaction usually ends with you ass up over the nearest object while he pummels you with his thick cock. One of his hands restraining your hips while the other is snaked around your torso, his hand wrapped around your neck and his hot breath against your ear. It's an odd routine you've become used to, borderline unhealthy even. However, while the lows can be pretty low, the highs are oh so high. The good times make you fall for his tricks without question. Besides, you both know he's the one wrapped around your little finger.

Don't worry though, for the ride or dies, it all pays off in the end. The back and forth between you two settles and Miguel finds his permanent home between your thighs. As well as your heart, of course.

Tags:

@khaleesihavilliard @leahnicole1219

[elicathebunny]

learning to let go of lingering negative emotions + Entering a calm state and regulating emotions.

(@anitalenia for the divider ౨ৎ)

Holding Grudges and struggling to let go.

Holding a grudge can affect you in many different ways ...

✦ Mentally:

Increased Stress: Constantly thinking about past experiences can keep your body at high-stress levels, leading to high cortisol and other stress hormones. Over time, this can contribute to anxiety.

Heightened Anxiety: Holding onto a grudge can lead to feelings of anxiety, as you may constantly worry about encountering the person you're resentful towards or replaying the situation in your mind. This can create a cycle of rumination and distress.

Negative Mood: Resentment and anger are negative emotions that can change your perception of the world and affect your mood. Holding a grudge can lead to feelings of bitterness, hostility, and general negativity, making it difficult to experience joy or contentment.

Impaired Relationships: Grudges can strain relationships, both with the person you're holding a grudge against and with others in your life. It can lead to communication breakdowns, conflict, and social withdrawal, which can further bring up feelings of isolation and loneliness.

Impact on Self-Esteem: Holding a grudge can also impact your self-esteem and self-worth. It may lead you to question your own value, especially if the grudge is related to mistreatment.

✦ Physically:

Increased Risk of Cardiovascular Problems: Chronic stress and negative emotions can contribute to high blood pressure, heart disease, and other cardiovascular issues. Holding onto a grudge can keep the body in a constant state of stress, leading to high levels of stress hormones like cortisol, which can negatively impact the heart and blood vessels.

Weakened Immune System: Prolonged stress and negative emotions can weaken the immune system, making you more prone to infections and illness. Holding a grudge can activate the body's stress response, leading to chronic inflammation and a weakened immune response.

Digestive Problems: Stress and negative emotions can also affect the digestive system, leading to issues like stomach pain, indigestion, and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Holding a grudge can increase these symptoms by keeping the body in a heightened state of stress, which can mess with normal digestive processes.

Sleep Disturbances: Negative emotions and stress can interfere with sleep quality and quantity, leading to problems like insomnia or disrupted sleep patterns. Holding onto a grudge can keep the mind racing with negative thoughts, making it difficult to relax and fall asleep.

Pain and Tension: Emotional stress and tension can manifest physically as muscle tension, headaches, and other bodily aches and pains. Holding a grudge can increase these symptoms by keeping the body in heightened tension.

Why might we struggle to let these feelings go?

Emotional Attachment: Negative emotions, like anger and hurt, can be intense and create a strong emotional attachment to the incident.

Need for Justice: We often feel the need for fairness or justice, and holding onto a grudge can feel like a way of ensuring the other person is held accountable.

Fear of Vulnerability: Letting go of a grudge might require forgiving someone, which makes us feel vulnerable and exposed.

Identity and Ego: Sometimes, grudges become part of our identity. Letting go can feel like losing a part of ourselves or admitting we were wrong.

Lack of Closure: Not having a clear resolution or apology can make it harder to move on, as the issue feels unresolved.

Recurrent Triggers: Frequent reminders of the event or person can continuously reopen the emotional wound, making it harder to let go.

Negative Reinforcement: Replaying the event in our minds can reinforce negative feelings and make them harder to release.

Low Self-Esteem: When we feel bad about ourselves, we might cling to grudges to deflect attention from our insecurities.

How can we try to overcome grudges?

Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognise that you're holding a grudge and understand why. Reflect on what happened and how it made you feel.

Express Yourself: If possible, talk to the person you're holding a grudge against. Express your feelings calmly and honestly without being confrontational.

Empathy: Try to see things from the other person's perspective. Understanding their point of view can help you feel more compassionate and less resentful.

Forgiveness: Remember that forgiving someone is more for your peace of mind than theirs. It doesn't mean you condone their behaviour; it just means you're ready to move on.

Focus on the Present: Let go of the past and focus on the present moment. Holding onto grudges keeps you stuck in the past.

Self-Care: Take care of your mental and physical health. Exercise, meditate, or engage in activities that make you happy and relaxed.

Set Boundaries: If someone continually hurts you, it’s okay to set boundaries. Protecting yourself can help you let go of grudges while maintaining your well-being.

Seek Help: If you’re struggling to let go, consider talking to a therapist or counsellor. They can provide professional guidance and support.

How to enter a calm state.

Mediation: When we pay attention to our breath, we are learning how to return to, and remain in, the present moment—to anchor ourselves in the here and now on purpose, without judgment. This increased awareness allows you to recognise and understand your emotions as they arise, rather than reacting impulsively. Regular meditation trains your mind to stay calm and composed. This practice helps in regulating emotions and reducing the intensity of negative feelings like anger, anxiety, and sadness. As you become more skilled at meditation, you'll find it easier to maintain emotional balance and respond to situations in a more thoughtful and measured way.

Here are five reasons to meditate: 1. Understanding your pain 2. Lower your stress 3. Connect better 4. Improve focus 5. Reduce brain chatter

Journalling:

Emotional Expression: Journaling provides a safe space to express and process emotions. Writing about feelings, experiences, and challenges can help individuals acknowledge and make sense of their emotions, leading to increased emotional awareness and regulation.

Stress Reduction: Writing about stressful events or worries can act as a form of stress relief. By putting thoughts onto paper, individuals can release pent-up emotions and gain a sense of control over their circumstances, thereby reducing stress levels.

Problem Solving: Journaling encourages reflection and introspection, allowing individuals to gain insights into their thoughts and behaviors. This process can help identify patterns, triggers, and potential solutions to problems, fostering personal growth and resilience.

Self-Discovery: Regular journaling promotes self-discovery and self-awareness. Through writing, individuals can explore their values, beliefs, strengths, and weaknesses, leading to a deeper understanding of themselves and their identity.

Physical Exercise: Regular exercise can help reduce stress and improve your mood. Activities like yoga, walking, or swimming can be particularly calming. Stretching is often associated with physical benefits like improved flexibility and reduced muscle tension, but it also offers numerous mental benefits. It helps to release physical tension in the muscles, which is closely linked to reducing mental stress. As your body relaxes, so does your mind, leading to a calmer state of being. Stretching enhances your awareness of your body and its movements. This increased body awareness can help you become more in tune with how stress and emotions affect your physical state, allowing you to manage your mental health more effectively.

Watch what you consume: Put down the phone and silence any distractions. Purposefully make your environment peaceful enough for you to have a clear mind. Don't disrupt your session, stay in this calm moment for as long as you need to to properly reflect on yourself and make a difference to your emotions.

Allow yourself to dig deeper into your emotions without rejecting any ideas:

Really ask questions to make the most of the state you are in. Don't reject or suppress any feelings that come up, accept them and use those thoughts to understand yourself better. This will help you let go or work out anything that is bothering you. Understand your triggers and why you feel this way by prodding yourself with more and more specific questions. This may be an uncomfortable process but by understanding what is blocking you from being completely at peace within yourself then it must be done.

example: I feel like this -> why do I feel like this? Well, because this happened -> Why does this make me upset? Because it reminds me of this -> Why can't I let it go? and so on.

[raidenenthusiast]

the astral express family as a unit is SO important to me.

starting with the trailblazer. confused, used, and hardly remembers anything about who they were before. the stellaron in their body is essentially a ticking time bomb. the personal fear that comes with that is already immense, and that's not even taking into account other people's perceptions. but they were accepted, immediately, stellaron and all. they aren't feared, they're loved. instead of others being protected from them, they're protected from others.

dan heng. scared, lost, and without a home to return to. his past tainted every step he took on the xianzhou, and despite the events of the main story, he's still working through how other people see him, as well as how he sees himself. he's never truly been SEEN before, not as dan heng over dan feng. but he's finally been given a place of acceptance. people who love him as he is, with no attachment to his past self. he's found not only a home that he can always go back to, but a home he WANTS to go back to.

march 7th. the girl who doesn't even remember her own name. we as people are shaped by our memories and out pasts. how can someone so young cope with the great unknown constantly looming over her head? companionship. compassion. the promise that no matter what that unknown brings, she is no longer alone. a hand to hold in the darkness, to guide her through the worst that the universe can bring.

welt yang. loss and grief have shaped the person he is today. the threat of the honkai means the constant fear and application of losing the people most important to you. to have a family in the world of the honkai is just about the most dangerous thing you can do, and he knows this firsthand. his memory is not tampered with, but rather incredibly clear. he was a child when his life was overridden by duty, and that duty is something he refuses to let go of, even now. but these people don't see his duty when they look at him. they don't see the herrscher of reason. they see mr. yang, the ever-reliable, slightly ancient, kind member of the crew.

himeko. everyone on the express will come and go, and the life of a nameless is an inherently lonely one. attachments cannot be too severe, lest severing them ends up destroying her. but here she is, with all her knowledge, loving these people anyway.

memory and acceptance are both key themes with the entire express crew. not just past memory, but the creation of new memories. better memories. the express is a place where who you are is inconsequential, and all that matters is that you're safe now. you're loved now. and you will be loved, no matter what happens. no matter what you do, say, or choose.

and something so constant is the glue that holds this group together. not only that, but something they all desperately need.

the trailblazer, young, confused, and scared, needs something to remind them that they aren't alone. something to latch onto, something to cling to that grounds them through the turmoil of hosting a stellaron. dan heng, the greatest criminal of the vidyadhara, needs something to remind him that there is hope. that his life will not always be weighed down by the mistakes of his predecessor, and that there are people out there who love HIM, just as he is, with no fine print or strings attached. march 7th, with nothing behind her, needs something ahead of her. something real, something concrete, something or someone that she can tangibly see, feel, and hold. the uncertainty and unknown hang over her head like a cloud, but that darkness feels much less scary when someone can hold her hand and tell her she's not alone anymore. welt yang, who's lived so long, been through so much, and lost so many, needs a new beginning. not that he's leaving behind the ties he has left, but forging new ones, with absolutely no strings attached to the identity of the herrscher of reason. think about why he never mentions his past in full; obviously for a multitude of reasons, one of which the subconscious desire for a life untainted by the honkai. and himeko, who left everything behind for her dreams, needs people different than her. something new. like-minded people follow the same principles; fulfill their life's purpose, and exit the express. however, in the midst of all that, she's gained more than colleagues, more than nameless, more than fleeting images of friends long gone. she's gained the unconditional love of a family.

and that's not even getting into the dynamic between just welt and himeko. the fact that himeko always feels alone, and then there's welt, who travelled the very cosmos just to protect the life of a former student he feels like he failed. the fact that she likely has no idea of this fact, and assumes he'll leave the express and return to his "real" family someday, when in reality, the only reason he stepped foot on the express in the first place was FOR her. BECAUSE of her. to protect HER.

i'm gonna be honest, even though void archives hasn't made an official appearance yet, and their motivations are obviously skewed due to the fact that they're not technically human, i would fit them into this too. they were never intended to live their own life. their origins and their programming prevents that. destroy the honkai, above all else, no matter the cost. after millennia of being trapped by otto, their own identity, what little of it existed, slipped through their fingers. why do you think they hate being compared to him so much, despite adopting so many of his patterns and mannerisms? what they need is a life of their own. which connects so deeply with what welt needs, too.

and i'm just spitballing here, but i have a theory that part of the reason they left the express in the first place was because they were afraid of the comeraderie they found there interfering with the reason for their existence.

addendum; if the stellaron is in fact a manifestation of the honkai, i NEED to see how that changes the trailblazer's relationship with everyone. especially given the fact that void archives was created to eradicate every form of the honkai, no matter the cost....

anyway. all this to say. i love the express family so much.

[kingofthering]

obsessed with the bodyswap you just wrote!! sooooo insane making it would LOVE to know where you think it goes from there… are the wounds healed with the tenth under vale’s name… or is it WORSE because vale knows that He was not actually the one to win it… do they fuck nasty about it (kidding. mostly)

Also going to include @moonshynecybin's tags here because they made me pause, especially the first one. Fic in question here for additional context.

So, I thought about this a lot because I feel like this touches the Rosquez thesis a lot, and the many ways you can interpret it.

The damage to their relationship was done before they even raced in Sepang (let alone before Jorge won the championship). They were doing better before it all crumbled down in 2018. And then they once again appeared friendly before divorcing again in Misano in 2019.

All that to say that if we're being real, they were probably doomed in the long run, no matter the outcome of 2015.

In this little universe, though, I do believe that end result of the championship and Marc fighting for him can alter the perception and the understanding Valentino has of Marc, which is key to a better development of their relationship, I think.

(That and better communication but let's not ask too much of them. Anyway.)

From Marc's side, I believe that things are pretty straight forward. Contrary to what Valentino wanted to believe, Marc genuinely didn't have any reason to make Jorge win (they didn't even start looking friendly until 2019, Valentino please, anyway I diverge) and while the press conference definitely annoyed him and made him want to have Valentino pay in some way (cue him being a little more of a nuisance than usual irl), I don't think that's his final mindset in the body swap universe (which is why I wrote things the way I did with him doing his best and getting Vale the tenth, duh).

I've always tended to consider Marc has a person who doesn't hold a grudge (we have one point in common, yeah!) and to me it's always aligned with canon events and the way he's always talked about separating the on-track events from the off-track events. Of course there was some ignoring going on in the beginning of 2016 but then he was the one reaching out to him.

He's always cared about Valentino a lot and maybe he's turned a blind eye on things being a little weird in the months leading to Sepang while being just a little aware of them (like, they were still laughing together and holding hands two race weekends before Sepang, we've all seen the confused/lost expression on his face post press con, home boy did not see that one coming) but when he wakes up in Valentino's body that Sunday in Valencia? Yeah, deep down he still wants the best for Valentino. So he wins him the tenth.

On Valentino's side, though? Oh boy. He legitimately cannot understand Marc's brain process through this and it fucks him up a lot (story of his life, truly). And it's silly but his mind goes both "oh maybe he's not that evil after all" and "hm, he must have done that with an ulterior motive" (hashtag self sabotage). I don't think he believes in that second one much but it's hard to let go of it because it's also the train of thought that justifies his actions and words of the past weeks, so.

Anyway. Logistics now, because you all know I'm a very (too) practical person.

Valentino needs to be there for the celebrations of his title (watching Marc having to do the little gimmick they had prepared for the 10th after he crossed the finish line was painful enough) (I'm going to assume Marc got briefed / reminded about it by Uccio before the race, just in case) (I'm not gonna imagine what they could have prepared but it was definitely the most awkward moment of Marc's life).

If we keep going in the last scene of the first post, we can go like :

"You need to apologize for me, so we can be seen together without raising a billion questions."

"What?"

"We don't even need to organize anything because you'll have to talk to the press tomorrow after testing anyway. You can say that I got a little carried away because I'd been waiting on that title for a long time and I shouldn't have gone off on you like that. We talked and it's all fine now."

Marc's face is unreadable and it's disconcerting. Valentino has always been told that he wears all of his feelings on his sleeve and he very rarely sees himself on camera but being met with his face so guarded? It throws him off a lot.

When the silence stretches, Marc has a short laugh. "Oh you're serious? You want me to go out there and actually lie for you? Just so you can be there when all of Italy is at your feet again?"

On a corner of his mind, Valentino has to wonder if being in his body is giving Marc more confidence than usual because even Valentino can recognize that this is the most confrontational Marc has ever been with him. [which, this is just Marc fighting for himself because he's exhausted and he's in the wrong body —a stressful experience already— and he's just done the right thing and Valentino still isn't happy with him, he needs a break]

Marc's not looking at him. He's barely been doing so since they woke up that morning.

Valentino doesn't call him out on it.

"I think this would be good for you too. If you think about it."

And then Marc looks at him, murderous enough that Valentino feels uneasy and wraps his arms around himself. [How nice to finally worry about the influence of his words on the public's opinion of Marc, right?]

"No wonder you want me to do the apologizing for you considering how much you suck at it," Marc huffs. Valentino thinks he might see some tension releasing from his shoulders. [Because Marc, bless his poor 22 years-old soul, can recognize that this is actually good for him. Doesn't mean he can't give Valentino a hard time about it.] "You're sure you don't want to use my voice to make me apologize for things I didn't do? I'm sorry that my racing had an impact on the championship, I'm glad all ended as it should have."

Valentino can recognize the sarcasm dripping in Marc's voice. He still tells him to shut up but it doesn't sound mean. Not to his ears. Not to Marc's considering the half smile that pulls on his face for maybe one second.

The next day, testing happens (going relatively well considering the situation) and Marc apologizes on Valentino's behalf and he squeezes Valentino's shoulder when he passes by Valentino (while he's talking to the press) and both his words and the photo make rounds on Twitter and all over the Internet.

Then, Marc goes to Tavullia with Valentino. I don't care if that's too big and going to raise too many questions, it's happening.

Don't ask me more about that day but yes, of course they end up having sex about it. It's always sex fixing those situations, anyway. I'm not sure I can say much more about it because body swap sex fucks with my mind a little but yes to all the headcanons.

I do know that 22 years-old Marc exuding Valentino's confidence and boldness sure is a sight for sore eyes.

Okay and I just reread this original ask. I think that Valentino will forever feel a little weird about it but I don't think there is resentment, not really. Can he ever truly deconstruct the delusional thoughts he built in his head (with Uccio's help) in the second half of 2015? I don't know.

But I think he has enough clarity to know he wouldn't have achieved what needed to be achieved in Valencia without Marc's help, so there is that.

[princessjojo-x]

CancerVenus ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆

💝 he’s far too sensitive & reserved to risk being rejected in any capacity. therefore, he’s unlikely to make the first move unless he’s known you for awhile & has good reason to believe his feelings are reciprocated. even after you’ve both shown mutual interests & began dating one another, he’ll resist being the first to confess feelings & he may even take his feelings to the grave. he’d much prefer you to open up first which will make him feel comfortable enough to open up too.

💝 typically, it takes awhile for him to become emotionally invested in a partner. consequently, his love interests may perceive him as rather aloof & hard to read. he will analyse & evaluate before opening the door to his heart. you’ll need to prove to him that you’re dependable, familiar, safe & nurturing. he may even hide away or self sabotage in order to refrain from falling too deep in love.

💝 once the hard crab shell comes off he’s extremely nurturing, loyal & protective. however, some women may find him too smothering & clingy. he overwhelms his lover with attention & he’s willing to weather the storm.

💝 he’s emotionally intelligent & he encourages others to let out their emotions. if you’re going through emotional distress he naturally responds with nurture, wisdom & support. his way of connecting with others is by revealing something emotional.

💝 however, he has potential to become a covert narcissist since he can be emotionally manipulative. he may blame his partner for his own low mood or purposefully ruin her day just to make his point.

💝 his emotional state is vey changeable & unstable. it’s possible that this originated from a cataclysmic emotional event in which his ability to feel inwardly secure has been serverely compromised. old wounds & past traumas can heavily influence his present rxships & cause him to react from a place of fear rather than love. he has a tendency to become engrossed in memories, potentially distorting them, leading to psychic disharmony. he has a deep connection to the past, making it difficult to make room for new memories with a new significant other. despite him continuously learning a lot of hard lessons through love, somehow he never gives up on love.

💝 he has a fear of being too vulnerable & even verbalising what he needs or feels can be too exposing for him (its an instinctual response to his distrust of most people). therefore, he has a silent emotional expectation that his partner should somehow know just what he needs without him even verbalising it. when these needs are unmet, he can react very badly, from deeply crushing silent treatment to extreme anger outbursts. this can leave his partner feeling like she has to walk on egg shells around him!

💝 he usually has healthy self-worth, influenced by family perceptions & upbringing.

💝 he’s not easily bored & he’s content with a “vanilla” rxship.

💝 he may be a quiet, shy, moody & submissive.

💝 he is a vanilla lover & he’s not easily bored.

💝 you will know someone with cancer placements is taking you srsly & trusts you when they invite you to their home bc their home is a very important place to them. it’s where their personality shines, it’s their walls full of pictures of family & friends, books their mother read to them when they were little, blankets their grandmother made for them. they can’t let go of these things so when they let you inside their little shell, you can tell they put a huge amount of trust in you, they don’t do that with just anyone.

💝 he holds grudges a lot bc it's the only way to stop him from forgiving others.

💝 if you try to lie to him he’ll always have receipts ready!

💝 all cardinal venus signs tend to stop making efforts in their rxships once they get the person they were chasing, then either leave or complain about how boring things got.

💝 typically, if he isn’t interested in someone he will fabricate an excuse instead of telling her bluntly bc he doesn’t want to make her feel rejected & sad, a feeling he knows too well.

Turn On’s:

💝 he prefers love over lust. infant, being loved is more important to him than anything else.

💝 he seeks a partner who is emotionally understanding & provides him emotional security.

💝 ensure to give him lots of physical affection bc he establishes trust through physical touch. the best method to calm him down is literally giving him a hug.

💝 he loves a woman who’s the perfect blend of docile & dominant. dominant in the sense that she’ll be mature, reliable & persistent (he loves the mother archetype, being babied by a partner who feels like home). docile in the sense that she is willing to taking care of him & cater to him. he may even like passivity & receptivity in women, where he is the one providing & she can receive it.

💝he likes sweet, soft, gentle, delicate, nurturing, compassionate, patient women with feminine energy. create a warm, loving space for him to relax in at the end of the day or be willing to listen to how his day went.

💝 treat him like a priority & make him feel important. he needs constant reassurance, comfort, safety & vulnerability. ts

💝 his ideal partner has a water sign moon or ascendant.

💝 he wants someone with a strong connection to family or someone who wants to build a family (family oriented).

💝 ask him abt his rxship with his mum as he may have a mommy kink or mommy issues (or he may tend to attract people with mommy issues).

💝 sexually, he needs very strong touch, holding & kissing in order to feel sexually secure & trusting. unless he feels emotionally safe, he’ll feel sexually insecure.

💝 to impress him, dress a tad more modest & traditional, he likes a gentle aesthetic. he likes the colours of the moon (white, grey, light blue). don’t dress with too many colours or patterns. show da titties off, cancer placements love titties.

💝 he finds shy people super cute & charming.

💝 all water venus’s want emotional security. they want to be able to have a safe space & build a deep bond (they lacked this this security growing up). they want to feel spiritually bonded with their partner.

Turn Off’s:

💝 he loves to talk abt his feelings so he’s turned off by overly aggressive, emotionally closed off, overly confident, arrogant, aloof, flashy & inconsiderate women.

💝 he dislikes being rushed or pushed to make decisions. he moves at his own pace & if he become overwhelmed, he’ll retreat.

💝 he’s turned off if you don't let him in bc he likes to build a full connection asap & may have problem with the waiting stage. he wants to be sure things are going steadily in the direction of you being fully open to him, fully trusting in him & being an open book for him to read. he craves that intimacy & prefers love over lust, so if you don’t share yourself fully too it may annoy him.

💝 he’s turned off when you make him feel left out, unwanted & refuse to take his feelings into account (same for all water venus).

💝 telling him he makes you feel super uncomfortable & unsafe. telling him that he’s creepy, perverted & gross.

💝 rejecting his cuddles & food.

[orangeypopsicle]

Overanalyzing the flashback scene because why not?

I've seen some people throw around jokingly that Velvet is "delulu", and "crazy", and stuff, but I legitimately think that she might believe some of the lies that she says. What makes me think this, you may ask? The flashback scene. I'm referring to is where the viewer sees the point of view from both siblings about what it was like when they were younger. It's quoted a lot because it's hilarious, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

There's three major elements that I considered while interpreting it: the tone/expressions of the characters, the people involved in the interaction, and how the flashbacks are utilized.

To start, Velvet is having a conversation with her brother. This is a person who lived in the same household as her and would know the most about her out of the entire cast. Velvet's argument to Veneer about not releasing Floyd to continue their lifestyle is that they would have to go back to an awful place, which would bank on him having that same perception. Her expression is very serious and upset as it transitions into her flashback.

The interpretation of "a dark place where we had nothing" is not left to the imagination, with a scene of the two starving and living in poverty. It cuts back to the current time, and Veneer states as if he were responding directly to the flashback, "Girl, we grew up in the suburbs. Our parents were dentists." Veneer doesn't hesitate to say this as what she had described is objectively false.

Both flashbacks take place in the same setting, but there are some key differences between them. The first flashback has them both filthy and holding the same bowls as the second flashback, but they're empty. The second flashback has a full table, and the table has no food in the first flashback. Velvet's interpretation has their parent's house as unkempt, sad, and colorless. In stark contrast, Veneer's flashback shows a tidy and vibrant house. However, Velvet isn't happy in both flashbacks. Velvet is sad in her flashback of their past, and Velvet is angry in Veneer's flashback.

Velvet lashing out in the second flashback led to what I'm explaining the whole scene is about. Velvet's interpretation of the past was based on how it emotionally felt, which led to her memories looking far more depressing. Velvet's younger self, with those issues controlling her emotions, may have felt like she was alone and living in "a dark place". It was objectively false, but felt real!

I'm willing to give this scene that more thorough interpretation because it's clear manipulation if Velvet said it any other character, but when said to her own sibling, it's a very strange and blatant lie that would never have worked. Would it not have made more sense if she had instead left it at appealing to Veneer's materialism?

Emotions can be so powerful! It may even lead to a different view of the same event.

[wooyoungisbaby]

Precious

My entry to the 18+ ateez server's Guess The Author event that we held :)) Read it on AO3 here, if you'd prefer! It's a little event where those who want to participate, write a <500 word ficlet about a prompt. This time, the prompt was "Precious" :)

Words: 496 · Rating: T · Characters: Hala!Wooyoung, mentions of both versions of San · Ships: Can be read as romantic or platonic woosan · No archive warnings apply · Additional tags: Unresolved angsty ponderings, vaguely mentioned past trauma, Choi San needs a hug, Halateez & Ateez

Wooyoung knows San well. Like the rest of the Black Pirates, they’re tight knit. Have been for years. They’ve worked together and seen each others’ successes and failures up close and personal. Every bit of celebration and grief in graphic detail. 

Although… Since the other group, the idols - Ateez, stumbled their way into this dimension, he has found himself questioning how well he truly knows his old friend. 

It’s the other San. His way of existing messes with Wooyoung’s head. 

The idols are, in essence, the same as them. They have the same DNA and the same natural tendencies, they’ve just lived vastly different lives. No doubt they’ve faced many hardships, living in the spotlight and having the burden of millions of eyes on them, scutinising. Expecting. No life is easy, but those are lives they wanted. Lives they chose. Lives they willingly worked towards because those were their desired paths.

Wooyoung has never had the luxury of choice. Neither has San. 

Their existences started out black, white and grey, void of meaning. The blooming colors that the idols have been surrounded by since birth, the Black Pirates have had to fight tooth and nail to even see glimpses of.

Yes, Wooyoung knows San - his own San. Knows his carefully crafted persona; a right hand to Hongjoong, skilled and ruthless. Perceptive and analytical, and sharp as a knife. Never one to back down from a challenge. Never afraid to charge head first into danger if he believes it will help their cause. He knows how San became like this, too, has seen the reality of the world they live in first hand. Seen the danger that comes with challenging that reality. 

San is strong, because he has to be. He’s razor sharp because if he were not, people might get a chance to hurt him - or worse, put the team in danger. 

Wooyoung knows what San is like behind the scenes, too. What he’s like when he’s not actively trying to intimidate the enemy into submission with a single, fiery gaze. He’s seen him calm, seen him resting. 

Sometimes he closes his eyes, trusting that the others will keep watch for a beat. 

But looking at San the idol, prods at something within Wooyoung. Like a physical stir inside his chest, one that he can’t control. 

This other San is soft. On purpose. His expression is honest and open. He bodily leans on his team mates and pets their hair, holds their hands.

He smiles and laughs, openly. Easily. 

And Wooyoung can’t help but wonder. If his own San hadn’t been on the run his entire adult life, if he hadn’t had to look for danger around every corner, if he had ever been safe enough to let himself stop sharpening the knife of his heart for even a second... If his features, too, would shape themselves into that soft, vulnerable expression. If he would close his eyes and lean on Wooyoung.

If he would laugh.

[lokorum]

1 ,6 , 10, 12, 22, 36, 37, 57, 77 for Gortash x Isa ?👀

oh oh ooooooooohhhh thank you so much for your ask!! i hope you'll enjoy reading it!! &lt;;3

1. who’s the primary protector of the two?

hmm, i can easily see at least a couple of reasons why tav if they are durge - gonna be fiercely protective of gortash and vice versa since they're the only two "survivors" of aaaaaall this mess they themselves created years ago. so i think they are kinda on the same lvl here? (especially after events of bg3 uuhhh)

but also - their understanding of "protection" is very different. for isa it's all about making sure that no one in the same room with gortash has access to sharp objects. (he kills rivals, neutralizes threats -that kind of stuff). while enver on the other hand protects through being extra thoughtful - he double checks all possible drawbacks of their plans; willingly spends time to manipulate\misinform people about anything related to bhaal's church; makes sure isa has the best gear and equipment, all that jazz!!

6. who holds a grudge the longest? definitely 10000% i'm absolutely certain - its gortash. if he turns out not to be the most vengeful bitch across the whole sword coast (and the one with a very good memory too) - i'm guilty of misinterpreting this character and should be punished by romancing someone super cute and kind (please dont do this to me).

what made me think that way is a sweet combo of his delusional perception of the world + his self-esteem, i guess? though in more close relationships i imagine him being the kind of person who, when offended, either becomes cold and distant, basically silent-treats you, or acts like nothing happened bc he can't\doesn't have time to process the situation. healthy coop mechanisms? i bet this stinky lil men never heard about them.

isa, well, isa is more of a "i deserve to bleed" kinda person............

10. which of the two is quick to speak and which one is quick to listen? ohhhhhh on any day of the week - gortash is a talkative one!! and isa are getting their "very good boi" badge and a cake for saying more than 100 words in one day (it rarely happens) 

12. which of the two rolls their eyes the most often? gortash thinks it's him but he is wrong. 

22. Who gets more easily embarrassed? gortash thinks it's not him, but it is. 

36.  who’s better at dealing with emotional trauma? WELL to paraphrase wendigoon: between planning to usurp all toril and going to the therapy - they chose violence.

37. who’s more foulmouthed? since isa's vocabulary consists mostly of "um", "ha?" and "heh", gortash once again is our winner! i think his criminal past left a mark on his speech, no matter how he plays all lordy and nobly these days. piss him off - and im 99,9% sure you'll hear something coooooolourful. 

57. who’s got the highest pain tolerance? ohhh definitely isa for this one!! they can go days and days without treating their wounds, and they are horrible at realising they're wounded in the first place! broken bones, broken and exposed bones, deep cuts, bruises, concussions, knocked out teeth, burned skin, sliced skin, frostbitten skin, you name it - they had it. the way isa treats their body deeply horrified enver when he noticed the pattern but tbh??? sometimes i look at enver and think that he is one of those ppl who will lie down and cry if you slap them 

77. who's more likely to execute their threats? both!! it's a family activity. 

phphph ive made memes...............................................................................................................................................

[scaryinclusive]

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER — BREAKING DOWN THE STIGMA.

by @scaryinclusive.

a discussion of the ableism and stigma relating to npd — a separate resource post will be posted at another date, written by a narcissist. if you believe in the term 'narcissistic abuse', have been conditioned by your surroundings or past trauma to view or discuss narcissists in a negative way or simply want to understand why it's important to show sympathy, compassion and patience towards those with npd, please read this and keep an open mind. i'm not here to tell you what you can and can't do or what to feel, but if you are someone who wants to learn about the impact your vocabulary can have on others, as well as how your behaviour contributes to the isolation and ableism towards an entire community, this might be a useful post for you.

i understand this might be an inflammatory topic, but please be patient with me, and show me the same respect you'd want to receive. i am a living, breathing person behind the screen. first of all, i think it's important clarify what is meant by ableism, when used in this context. as an abuse survivor myself, i have subjected others to an ableist mindset — whether that be externally or internally ( internalised ableism. ) i have previously called my abuser a range of ableist terms, without having a diagnosis for them or the ability to make one. i have projected my own insecurities onto others and myself, instead of taking a step back to assess my trauma, shame and getting to the root of the blame. if this is something you have done previously too, or are currently prone to, know you are valid.

often, people want logic to illogical situations, they want reason to make sense of the unreasonable and in some cases they want to have something or someone to blame. and it's absolutely easier to blame an individual or disorder deemed monstrous by society than it is to blame the abuse itself. to hold an event, or series of events accountable. whatever it takes to keep the blame off of us, right? and while this is a common phenomenon within society, to blame people with narcissistic personality disorder or antisocials for our suffering, by throwing around the terms 'psychopath', 'narcissist' and 'sociopath' etc, it's not sustainable and in the long run, sure — you'll succeed in adding to the stigma of already massively stigmatised communities, but you'll drag yourself down with them. and that's not healing. that's not overcoming. it's certainly not contributing to the empathy, compassion and care many of you wish to see in the world. i feel this short, non-accusatory and sympathetic article really helps elaborate on what i've already mentioned.

i also want to stress that, at no point, am i excusing harmful behaviour. i believe individuals with these disorders, professionally or self diagnosed, and even those who think they might have one or both, have a responsibility within themselves to seek out support, healing and improvement to keep themselves and others safe and protected. but with the total lack of resources, community, space, patience and safety for them to commit to such, it's a vicious cycle. you're asking people who struggle greatly with shame and insecurity to face it, in an unsafe space with people that seek to shame us. we cannot get the help we need, regardless of how self-aware we are, due to society's stigmatising perception of us. due to rumours, lies and stereotypes.

therapists aren't always safe. in my experience i have been exposed to some highly questionable therapists. some have been corrupted by the stigma and are therefore unsafe for us. resources are designed to brainwash and instil internalised ableism. friends and family hate us. we have nowhere and no one to turn to. so, we bottle it up. we bottle it up, and up, and up until we explode or implode. someone catches it on camera and uploads it online. thousands if not more view it and all that comes from this devastating explosion is more stigma, more hate, and less space for us to heal. the cycle continues.

where does the stigma start? well, it starts with society's knowledge and education on what narcissistic personality disorder actually is. in this circumstance, unfortunately, you can't even fully trust things like the dsm's criteria, or the many websites accessible across the internet. you 100% can't trust word of mouth. i will begin with what npd is not. it is not a choice. not something you can decide to be, or to not be. people with npd do not love themselves, we are not entitled or selfish. we don't have a god-complex or view ourselves as higher beings or more important for the fun of it. we do not all have low / no empathy and we don't feel nothing. we aren't heartless, soulless, blood-sucking monsters, we aren't cunning villains scheming and seeking to manipulate and hurt people. we are not a different species or lesser being, not parasites or a infestation.

so what are people with narcissistic personality disorder? exactly that. people — a community of human beings who primarily experienced varying childhood traumas. the more effort, time and money put into the scientific and biological understanding of npd reveals it to be more and more alike to a trauma-related disorder. the entire meaning behind 'personality disorders' is that the title trait is a typical, average personality trait. however, the difference is that the trait itself is amplified, more intense or severe due to some form of trauma during childhood development.

as much as people don't want to admit it, narcissism is a healthy, typical human trait. but when an individual is exposed to trauma in early life, such as neglect ( particularly emotional neglect ), as they grow and develop the brain adapts in this environment to survive. this can lead to the development or intensifying of harmful, negatives behaviours that continue into later life. when you are no longer in an environment where survival is a necessity, an environment where you might need to manipulative, emotionally disconnect or behave in a specific way to avoid a threat or emotional injury, these behaviours don't simply vanish. they continue, even if it means harming those around you or treating them in a negative manner, because your brain is constantly convincing you of perceived threats — real or imagined, and your attitude towards life was never healthily developed in a way that you can pursue stability and safety.

to cope with this, specifically for those with npd, we develop grandiose delusions of ourselves. a façade, a safety net, a wall between us and the world. on the outside, it might appear that we are infatuated with ourselves, simply self-obsessed, entitled and obnoxiously detached from reality. what's really happening is that our core selves are so insecure, in such a deeply-rooted way, that in order to survive and cope with our inner fragility, we must create a false sense of security. npd is entirely based around insecurity. and insecurity, in itself — even without npd being a contributing factor, can lead to harmful behaviour. projecting our insecurities onto others to feel powerful, in control and above all else, safe. we are not monsters, we have simply had to adapt and learn to survive in an unstable, volatile and potentially dangerous environment and were never given the tools to heal from this. isn't that sad? an entire community of people unable to heal from their trauma because society has cast us out. stereotyped us as murderers, villains and abusers.

through therapy ( it's taken me 10 years of searching to find someone that understands me, healthily challenges me, respects me, is patient and remains unbiased throughout my healing ) i have learned much about myself. i have become more self-aware, been able to break down my trauma and thus combat my internalised ableism, and have been able to do so in a way that hasn't brainwashed me into believing the only way for someone like me to heal is to shame and hate myself and those with my disorders. it's not true. we can heal in a safe and healthy way that promotes self-love, sympathy for our suffering, compassion as well as responsibility, recognition and rationality. all of these can co-exist.

we can take responsibility for our mistakes and harmful actions while also being sympathetic towards what made us this way. but unfortunately many are pushed by society to take to self-loathing, self-deprecation and the spreading of stigma in favour of winning over ableists who reduce us to a stereotype or generalise us as lesser beings. "look how healed i am! i hate narcissists too!!" they are not healing, and by pushing this narrative and encouraging it, you are only digging a deeper hole.

outside of those that have been misguided by their trauma, leading them to label emotionally abusive, or just abusive individuals, as 'narcissists', along with various other stigmatising labels, there is a huge portion of society who remain uneducated and merely misuse the label due to it being commonly thrown around and not knowing any better. i ask that, if you are someone that uses this term to describe anyone other than someone with narcissistic personality, and certainly if you use it in any derogatory form, why you do that? i think it's fair to invite you to perform the same introspect about yourself that we are so desperately trying to do, with or without resources.

why do you need to use the word narcissist? narcissism, narcissistic? the same goes for antisocial, psychopath or sociopath. any word related to mental health or disability, really. outside of it being purely medical. what's stopping you from changing your vocabulary and contributing to the healing of a community? if your answer is 'because i can', or 'because they deserve it', you are dooming an entire group of traumatised individuals to fail.

if your answer is that narcissism existed as a trait and / or adjective prior to the disorder — you're absolutely right. it did. but the meanings of words change. the r* slur is a primary example. once, this slur was purely a medical word. it was then used by the general public as a derogatory way to describe those with intellectual or developmental disabilities. to reduce them as people and dehumanise them. it became such a widespread pejorative term that, now, the majority don't use it. because it's deemed offensive, hurtful and dehumanising. the meanings of words change, and if a handful of people from a relatively small community tell you it's hurtful and dehumanising, you don't get to tell them otherwise.

by saying things like "narcissistic abuse", instead of emotional abuse or abuse, you're adding to the stigma. by calling your abusive partner or friend a narcissist instead of what they are — 'an abuser', you're adding to the stigma. by armchair diagnosing ( diagnosing an individual despite not having the knowledge / legal qualifications to and purely basing it on personal / biased experience ) people guilty of performing in a toxic, abusive, harmful or negative way with narcissistic personality disorder, you are adding to the stigma. and above all else, it's ableist. it's discrimination and it's social prejudice.

here are a couple of useful resources relating to the definition, discussion and stigma surrounding npd. i will also be making a post listing alternative and appropriate vocab options for a variety of commonly misused labels.

5 things you got wrong about narcissistic personality disorder, a short, informative comic.

narcissus and the daffodils, an essay on the nature of npd.

please avoid adding onto this post to keep from spreading misinformation or stigma, but feel free to reblog! if you have something to say, i encourage you to send it to my asks. but i think at this point, if you're still set on misusing the term and adding to the stigma, i personally have done as much as i can. i really do sympathise with trauma-born ableism. but it's not acceptable and i'd like to think the majority can do better than that. just because others choose to contribute to the ableism, doesn't mean you have to. everyone deserves to heal from their trauma, including us, and including you.

[thecryptidenthusiast]

title: concatenation

rating: M

warnings: depersonalization and derealization. This is dealing with nightmares and warped perceptions of events so just be mindful if you decide to read!

summary: Ortega’s dreams are no fun place to be.

You’re climbing the stairs.

Feet scrape against concrete, echoing louder with each dragging step. Four sets, making this damned trek.

Until four becomes three.

(you heard the scream)

Did I?

A blur shoots past you; a flash of black-blue running higher. Rounding the corner to slip out of sight.

And three became two.

You can’t feel it.

Can’t feel the hurt. Can’t feel what’s ripping your team apart, piece by piece. Word by unheard word they are rendered to shreds. Is it better this way? Did you wish you could hear them, too?

(Do you wish you’d suffered with them?)

One. A lone man left to make this journey. Up higher, until there’s no way but forward.

A hall, stretch, stretched, s t r e t c h i n g ahead. No doors but the one at the end. Pass by water-yellowed paint, walls with holes pocketed in them. Signs of the life this building once held.

One door.

One choice. Always just

one.

Open it (don’t, not again) and finally see. Always a second too late, just one step too many behind.

A flash of green. A spray of red.

Erin always was one step ahead.

Ahead.

A head.

Two bodies, one a head lighter. Both fall. One you cradle, while one watches on. Hold her like it will keep her together, like you can make up for your failure. Cold, life already gone, skin like plastic under your hands. You don’t look - if you don’t look, you won’t see, and it won’t be real.

But you know.

(You know that this isn’t how it happened,

don’t you?)

You are climbing the stairs.

Where?

Always climbing, they never end. No more footsteps echoing except your own; where are you, Ricardo? What were you doing?

(Were you always alone?)

Another door. Another choice. Metal instead of wood. A hospital facade; wolf in sheep’s skin, hiding away the rot. Swing it open with a grinding creak, step inside and-

Faceless figures clad in all white. As featureless as the room they stand in. They do not see, as if you no longer exist.

They do. This did.

Erin, scooped off the pavement and stolen away; she existed. Brought here to be spread out on a gurney like a sacrifice on an altar. Cut up and peeled open - wings of an insect pinned to a board. Alive but dead. Killed and resurrected.

She’s crying, but nobody hears. Here.

Here, nobody cares.

Throw yourself at them (stop, stop, STOP) but one step forward is two more back. Never getting close, making no progress. Couldn’t save her before, you can’t save her now.

She’s crying, and you are screaming. Threatening. Then pleading: please don’t, please let her go, please just stop. Knees hit linoleum, you beg for forgiveness; you’re so terribly sorry, you never meant for any of this. But the figures don’t see you. Their white runs red and they move like you don’t exist, because you were never here to begin with.

(you

never

came)

You are running up the stairs.

Chase your black-blue blur. Go after her, hero. Maybe this time you’ll save her. Maybe this time, things will be different. Things can change.

(Can they?)

Erin is fast, but you are faster.

She is racing to her end, and you are hot on her heels.

No flash of green. No red, no stench of burning skin. But remember.

Remember?

(Not the gun)

A body hits the window; glass rains, glimmering under bright afternoon sun. You lunge, push your body harder than ever. A body you’ve broken and mended, bent it to your own will, you’ve defied the odds before.

You are just fast enough

(you know.

you know you weren’t)

Glove finds glove, hand grips hand. Hold tight now. Fighting gravity and even heroes can’t prevent inevitability. A (not dead) weight, dragging you both over. Down. Down

D

O

W

N

Falling.

You are always falling.

Cityscape fades, mountainside rushing by you both. A bad jump (faulty equipment, always too reckless, Charge). Four storeys up, five, ten. Were you always this high? You know.

You know how this story ends.

You never left those stairs. A ghost haunting a gravesite that isn’t yours. Walking. Running.

Lunge. Miss.

Repeat.

[bullet-prooflove]

The Beauty of the End Part Two: Reckless Michael 'Riz' Ariza x Reader (feat Taza & Creeper)

Tagging: @anime-weeb-4-life, @danzer8705 @mysoulisasunflower @vannabanana1995 @im-just-a-mississippi-girl @sxmmarie @camelia35 @queeniesdiary @briefpersonenemy @creativitybeware @genius2050 @mortal--soul @buddinglinguist @oureternalbond @rubes2323 @proceduralpassion @crazy4chickennuggets @callsignartemis @kmc1989 @librarian1002

It’s Creeper that notices the change, he’s the only one that stays sober during nights at the club house so he’s always the most perceptive. He notices that Riz sticks around for longer, that he spends most of his time drinking and getting high, that he hasn’t laid a hand on his guitar since he returned from Nashville, that he’s paying a little more attention to the girls at the bar. He hasn’t talked about you in weeks, and every time your name comes up he pretends he hasn’t heard it.

It comes to a head during Poker Night at Vicki’s. They’ve been to a thousand and one of these events, they’re a way of blowing off steam after a tough run. Some of the guys take a girl upstairs, others drink, do a little pot, Creeper just likes to play the game because while everyone else is distracted, drunk or high, he cleans up big.

When Riz pulls a girl into his lap he’s taken aback, he can tell the other guys are too. He hasn’t so much as looked at another woman since he’s been with you and now he’s whispering in a whore’s ear as she plays with his hair. When he takes her upstairs to bed, they’re all too fucking shocked to say anything. Creeper raises his eyes to the ceiling when the distinctive noise of the headboard slamming against the wall in the room above breaks through the silence.

“What the fuck is that about?” Taza asks him as he sets his cards face down on the table.

Creeper shakes his head.

“He hasn’t been the same since Nashville.”

*************************************************************

When he’s done fucking the whore, Riz tells her to leave. He waits until she slips out of the door, still barely dressed before he climbs out of the bed and lights a cigarette from the pack he keeps on the dresser. He lingers by the window, staring out into the darkness, trying to ignore the state of his reflection in the glass.

He looks like hell. His eyes are glassy from the whiskey and the weed, there’s dark circles underneath them, highlighting the bender he’s been on over the past couple of days because despite the fact he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to speak to you, you’re still calling. Each and every time he’s seen your name pop up on his screen, it's like a fucking knife in his chest, so he blocks you.

Somehow that makes it worse.

He sits down on the bed, taking a drag before he blows out a smoke ring and watches it evaporate into the air. The sex didn’t do anything to quench the anguish in his chest. He wonders how many will be enough, how many women will it take before he forgets you?

**********************************************************************

Riz was a ladies’ man before he met you and in the ruins of your relationship, he takes up the mantle again. He fucks his way through Santo Padre, Stockton and Bakersfield, it doesn’t matter when, where or who. He gets the shit kicked out of him on the reservation for fucking a Blackjack player’s girlfriend in the bathroom. He simply laughs in the other man’s face, telling him he should be keeping his girl more satisfied. Both Taza and Creeper have to pull the other guy off him, because Riz gives up fighting after the second punch. His face is a mask of blood and he’s still smiling, he looks fucking crazed.

It’s Taza that approaches him in the end.

Riz is lying on his bike outside a rest stop, staring up at the sky and puffing on a joint. He watches the clouds pass overhead as he inhales, holding the smoke in his lungs for as long as possible before releasing it. Taza kicks the base of his boot, jerking him back to reality. The bruising on his face is starting to come out, a blossom of pink, purple and green all fading into the natural hue of his skin.

“You’re gonna need to get yourself tested, the way your chasing tail.” Taza comments, plucking the joint out of Riz’s mouth before tossing it on the ground and crushing it beneath the heel of his boot.

“I always glove.” Riz informs him, before sitting up so that he’s straddling his bike.

“What the fuck is doing on with you?” Taza snaps at him. “You’re a fucking mess. You’re not even going home anymore; you just sleep at Vicki’s and fuck anything that moves.”

Riz simply shrugs. He hasn’t been forthcoming with any of the details and Taza finds it frustrating because the Riz he knows, the one he’s been friends with since the very beginning, has always been an open book. He doesn’t know this man. This stranger hell bent on self-destruction.

“You don’t have to be a shrink to see that you’re trying to fill that hole in your heart.” Taza tells him, throwing his leg over his own bike and pulling on his helmet. “I don’t know what happened, but you need to get your shit together real quick, because I’m not sure how much longer Bishop is gonna let this go.��

Riz says nothing, instead he pulls out his sunglasses from the top pocket of his kutte and pulls them on over his red rimmed eyes.

“You’re banned from Vicki’s by the way.” Taza informs him as he adjusts the strap under his chin. Riz’s head snaps up towards the older man and Taza gives him a look. “Until you get your head on straight, you’re not to go back here.”

“Is that an order from my V.P?” Riz asks him, his gaze straying to patch on the other man’s kutte.

“Do you need it to be?” Taza asserts with an even stare.

Riz shakes his head before hitting the kick pedal of his bike with his foot and pulling off into the road. He isn’t wearing his helmet and that scares the shit out of Taza, he  watches as the other man disappears into the distance, his hair streaming into the wind behind him. Taza knows a thing or two about hating yourself and he thinks that’s what he’s seeing when he looks at the other man, a chasm of self-loathing so deep that nothing will ever be able to fill it.

“That looks like it went real well.” Creeper says from beside him as he sips from a take away cup of coffee.  

“As well as it could.” Taza says with a sigh as he shakes his head. “This can’t go on much longer, he’s going to get himself killed.”

Love Riz? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[encouraging-growth]

Same person from before. I was actually interested in doing with the ever so saucy tailor of yours, Adam Pose. Out of all your characters, I like him a lot (plus, I think he isn't talked about nearly enough). Any tips on how to write him?

-The Chubby Berry

I really don't talk about him as much as I should, considering that he's born out of my desired irl profession. I guess Severin just holds such a strong place in my mind that he just gets overshadowed haha.

As for writing tips, Adam is, naturally, very flirtatious and charming, but there *is* a level of hollowness in that charm, stemming from some past events that I have not addressed bc I'm not nearly that far into the Wealthy Fat storyline for them to have been brought up. But basically, while he craves a deeper connection with people beyond the superficial one he maintains with his clients and others in the sphere, he lost a person he'd grown deeply attached to before properly getting to confess himself, and thus it's made him naturally a bit distant. He doesn't like to discuss deep things because he's afraid of where they'll lead, and also because he himself has done many things in the past of which he is deeply ashamed (Severin is involved), and he doesn't want that sordid past hurting others in the present. This could manifest in dialogue as him deflecting or redirecting a conversation if he senses it going in an undesirable direction, but without drawing attention to the conflict or discomfort, as he hates both of those things.

With that in mind, I do picture Adam being very sentimental, the kind who saves every thank-you card he's ever received and would plant a garden with every bouquet he's ever been gifted. He's very perceptive and attentive, remembering even the smallest details a person shares in passing because it allows him to feel connected to them in a way that feels deep, even if it really isn't.

I suppose that was more of a character analysis than writing tips, but still, I hope it gives you a better idea of how he is as a person.

Edit: He is also a vers bottom. I don't know if that's at all relevant to the kind of story you're wanting to write, but Adam likes to receive.

[alyjojo]

Twin Flame 🔥 Journey - June 2024 - Leo

Your Energy:

Page of Swords - The Emperor rev - 3 Wands rev

It’s easy to know who it is, it’s the one you stalk constantly but refuse to speak to 😆 This isn’t saying you’re wrong, just proud and stubborn. You refuse to be the one reaching out to them because of two things: 1, you will be the one being pursued, not the pursuer, you’re old fashioned like that; and 2, you already felt like this connection was one-sided, they didn’t give you enough in the first place - so you’ll die before you go chasing after them & that ever again. Maybe you did before, now it’s more about proving to yourself you’re better than that and they can make the effort.

With that though, you’re obsessively watching their every move, what they’re doing, who they’re with, where they’re going. Ruminating in your head everything that’s happened, what’s been said or done, and wondering why they aren’t making moves towards you. 3 Wands rev shows you’re waiting for nothing. You’re standing on principle, and you should, but this person is probably either clueless or over it…not even on the same page as you. You’ve internalized a battle of wills that only you’re playing, they’ve given up or moved on. Everything at the bottom of the deck says this is going nowhere, and with your messages maybe you want it that way. Partly.

Oracle:

OLD SCHOOL 👵🏻

- Outdated Thinking

- Conditioning

- Replaying Events Over in Your Mind

38 Limits

Know that limiting attitudes are often formed as protective reactions to past events.

42 Courage

Have the courage to see lessons in all situations and face them constructively.

Messages:

- Going in different directions.

- I’m NOT that person anymore.

Their Energy:

9 Swords rev - 9 Cups - 7 Pentacles

Yeah, their energy was strong on your side too. They’re over it, and they don’t think about this much. When they do, it’s more of a wistful happy thought than anything negative or grudge-holding, and they consider it “the past”. It was a different time for them. Always Acting Single can show they didn’t take this as seriously as you did, they don’t invest as much of themselves as you do, they’re a very logical sort. Right now, their focus is 100% on their career and they’ve been working hard towards something they’re waiting to manifest into reality, probably related to business. I’m seeing one person staring at another’s social media page, and the other person is staring at spreadsheets & doesn’t even log in or care - that’s the vibe between you. You can’t make them give af, I think you’ve accepted that much. You wish you could though. If they’ve said or done something harsh to you, they do regret that, an apology weighs on their mind, and the bottom shows they didn’t want you to go. So they wish things could’ve been different, but they also chalk it up to a missed opportunity and have moved on with their life. That’s just the kind of person they are, I don’t think that they think that you even think about them. Another day, another dollar. That’s life.

Oracle:

CAMERA 📷

- Reminiscing

- Making Memories

- Learn from the Past

- Perception

16 Dream

Connect to your intuitive dream world of metaphors and symbols.

37 Manifest

Soon you may manifest the goal you focus spiritual energies on.

Messages:

- Always Acting Single

- I’ve Moved On.

Mutual Energy/What is Mirrored:

2 Swords - The Hermit - Queen of Cups

Stubborn, both of you 💯 The Taurus charm came out but the sign isn’t heavy, though they are described as King of Pentacles, one/both of you could have a strong placement there. Or it’s just the vibe. Neither of you are moving, acknowledging the other, giving even an inch. Not messaging, not starting over, not even entertaining the thought. So that’s where it’s going. Both of you are solid people, practical, stable, concerned about the material world and the reality in front of you - not a bunch of what ifs, maybes, destiny, karma, it could all be a bunch of hoodoo nonsense as far as both of you are concerned. Twins. Pfft. Fair. That’s also what delays everything so…be right and alone, basically, that’s what I heard 😆

It is necessary to take space apart in order to grow, and both of you tend to stunt your growth with narrow mindsets. The only way out of this is communication, and both of you are so heavily resistant to the idea of that, it could take years. Ages. Till near death. God himself may have to make you two enter the same gas station just to have *something* to go off of, give you the excuse. You both avoid your feelings, avoid healing, avoiddddd everything. And don’t take very good care of yourself, you both tend to make Distractions your priority and not feeding your heart, mind & spiritual center (which is healing). Work, obligations, responsibilities, we’re busy people, too busy to…love. Feel. Heal. Enjoy a too short life by spending all of your time on things that…meh. Neither of you care all that much about. We need some fire in this LEO reading ijs 🔥 too much earth energy is drollllll 😴 That sentiment alone shows you have to be the first to change. This person will die in a routine and probably think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Resistance and Not Today at the bottom, probably not today. June. This year. Idk but eventually, something’s gotta give. Or not 🤷🏼‍♀️ The sooner you move towards things that make you happy and let this go, the faster they’re triggered to wake tf up and do the same.

Oracle:

GROUNDING 🪨

- Stability & Security

- Performance

- Growth & Endurance

56 Distractions

When you are trying to solve a problem, you will often be tested by distractions.

66 New Start

Sometimes we must realize that what we have done needs to be discarded and we must make a new start.

Possible Signs:

Heavy Aries, Gemini, Libra & Virgo

Charms:

Trustworthy ♉️ on Grounding (both) shows two solid people that are focused on material pursuits and stability. Neither of you are unreliable or “too wild” by any means, both of you consider your foundations and future as a constant in every decision you make. Both of you are very mature in this way.

Clock ⏰ rev on Distractions (both) is wasting time. Hobbies, materialism, careers, favors, other people’s dramas, whatever the thing - you both place these things as highest priority in order to avoid the real shit going on inside. That could go on forever.

Fish 🐟 rev on New Start (both) show you both feel like the other person isn’t the one, could possibly be. You’ve tried before, it didn’t work, logic would have it known that “there’s a reason your ex is your ex.” True. And also, God doesn’t operate by anyone’s “logic”, and loooves to make people look foolish when they’re dead set on anything really. Like oh yeah? We’ll see about that…

Gift 🎁 rev on Resistance could be a specific holiday or occasion that’s being resisted or purposely ignored, either currently or that was a thing between you. Neither wants to give to the other in any sense, neither feels it’s their job or should be them. Everything about this feels one sided or unbalanced, and you both refuse to do anything about it.

[sakkiichi]

MATCHUP FOR @yaminohimeyume

hello, lovely ! and apologies for taking a little long with your matchup. i hope you still like it <3

as soon as i read your description attentively i knew who was your perfect match. actually, both your match and the runner up were the ones to instantly come to mind hehe, i hope it’s to your tastes !

your genshin impact match is someone with a silver tongue and a knack for charming people, in contrast to your more reserved character. like you, he is loyal, even if he often conceals himself behind the shadows that come with his cool facade. he cares deeply for his loved ones, and similarly to you, lying is not out of the question for him, especially if it benefits him or someone he holds dear. don’t be fooled by this, however, through the ice he displays, his heart is one of the noblest you can encounter.

well, can you tell who hides behind stars that died long ago? stare into the night to find…

✧ KAEYA

One of the reasons why I think you and our resident cavalry captain would work well is due to the nice contrast between your demeanors. You’re reserved and leaning on timid, whereas Kaeya is an expert when it comes to interacting with others.

In addition, he is very sharp and perceptive. A smooth-talker, I just have the feeling that his words would manage to soothe your worries from past events. Kaeya can be very comforting, a steady ice-block, afloat amidst the raging oceans of your worries.

When it comes to insecurity and self-doubt, Kaeya is definitely a great help. He is intuitive and confident, his charisma always managing to put you at ease, calming down the furious gales raging inside your mind, as you turn over every thought time after time.

To him, though, every one of your decisions is perfect in its own way…

—

The night above is worthy of poetry anthologies.

Indigos fade into silver-flecked marine hues, the fine clouds, the threads connecting the distant stars foretelling the future.

Nightingales flit from one stray tree to another, dancing in the chilly late autumn wind, notes of winter palpable moments before sundown, when the heavens were dyed in steely shades of snow.

Beneath this night, you sit by the garden’s fountain, the water inside its basin, a carbon copy of the infinity above.

One could tell this place and scenery were peaceful, a near perfect idyll taken out of a sweet dream.

If they asked you, however, you’d beg to differ.

Half moons are indented in the palms of your hands, almost a mockery of the one above, as you nervously fiddle with the book you were reading moments ago, hands curling into fists.

Too nervous to keep focusing on the text and diagrams of different constellations and their interpretations, you take shallow breaths now.

Do you look presentable enough? Was this dress the right choice for your date? Will he like it?

Sighing, your eyes flutter closed, the cool breeze, a caress against your quickened heart.

“Well, well, and I thought I was early.” A familiarly mischievous sweet voice chants.

“K-kaeya!” You stammer at first, breath hitching, the temperature on your cheeks rising several degrees.

He flashes his usual saccharine smile, devoid of the shadows of midnight with you. When he was around you, the curve of his lips was not taut or practised, but a crystal clear reflection of his heart of gold.

His tan hand finds yours.

Clear ice meets your eyes, light glinting off of them when the swordsman gets lost in your stare. A rare sight, for the captain’s gaze was usually opaque with secrecy.

“You look lovely, my darling.” The knight whispers, sensuous lips brushing over the back of your hand. You get lost in his midnight lashes, caressing his high cheekbones.

Not even the stars you study could have predicted the wild beat of your heart against your ribcage at his actions.

In a swift motion, your lover tugs at your hand, bringing you close to the warmth of his partially exposed chest.

“And it’s a beautiful night,” he continues, his hands sliding around your waist. “Wouldn’t you say the stars are shining for us, sweetheart?” He softly utters. His kisses graze your skin, so delicately, as if you were a glass blossom wrapped in velvet; resilient and yet sensitive and so, so dear to him.

In your beloved’s embrace, a pleasingly cool breeze blows by, all your worries carried away.

As your lips touch his and starlight sways around you, your breathing steadies.

Your book is long forgotten, its pages curiously turned to a chapter on fated love.

—

Your loyalty and honesty are both qualities Kaeya values so much in you. While you might occasionally tell some minor lies, he instantly catches up on them and knows you’re doing it for someone else’s own good.

The fact that you’re so honest is so endearing to Kaeya. We all know while, coming from good, he often tampers with the truth, spinning the facts to benefit the situation; so being with someone transparent, who speaks their mind would really be a good match for him.

You describe yourself as a good listener, and that is also something very positive for Kaeya. Often putting on a suave facade, his worries and thoughts tend to fester in the hours he spends alone, . Having someone who can listen to him without judging is something he deserves.

You mention you don’t trust easily, but neither does he. So your love story would be a slow-burn, getting to unravel his many layers, the ice obscuring his kind heart melting as you offer your affection to him.

Because he is frequently cataloged or labeled as something he really is not, Kaeya just knows that you’re so much more than your cold and collected exterior. And he’ll take all the time in the world to get to know you. No matter how long.

As an INFJ, you are intuitive. Kaeya is too, his mbti being ENTP. This opens the possibility for deep chats, which, in turn, would mean your lover getting to know about your hobbies. I can easily picture you two, by starlight, perched near the window of your shared home, as you read, perhaps for him. Maybe it’s a piece you wrote, or your favorite book. But regardless, the cavalry captain is utterly mesmerized by the lilt of your voice and the shine in your eyes.

✧ RUNNER UP: CHILDE

The reason I think he’s a good match for you as well is because of Ajax’s kind nature and loyalty towards those he loves. We see this when it comes to his family, risking his own health, and even life, to make his little brother happy.

You say you get lonely and are afraid to approach people at times. But rest assured, Childe adores it when you seek him out, to tell him about this or that star chart or to show him something you wrote.

He will never betray your trust either. If he lies to you, it is likely about his dealings as a fatui, and he does it solely to protect you. And if you met him already knowing who he really works with, well, then he has nothing to hide, really. Ajax trusts you with his life, so rest assured, the only details he will omit, much like you do, are the ones that could put you in danger.

He is definitely cheerful and extroverted, so he could aid you in getting out of your shell more. And if you feel insecure? Please, he is such a simp (affectionate) and is not shy to voice all the ways in which he believes you’re absolutely wonderful!

[obstinatecondolement]

Having kind of a post-NaNoWriMo dip in mood re: the fic groove I have been in tbh. (mental illness and insecurity bullshit, mensturation mention cw)

I do still feel Very Strongly about the ideas I have and I do want to write them/continue working on them in the case of the two WIPs I started this week, but without the external structure of the event it's harder to thinking about sustaining that, especially given that I was making so many glaring mistakes that I feel looked very amateurish (I know it's an amateur hobby, but whatever, I expect very ridiculously high standards of myself in almost everything that I would never hold anyone else to and it's always crushing when I inevitably fail to meet them, lol).

The things I was getting wrong were mostly basic spelling errors, using the wrong word in common phrases that turned things into the uncanny valley of that phrase that didn't not make sense but weren't how anyone would say that particular thing naturally, accidentally flipping word order (or not rephrasing the rest of a sentence properly after copying and pasting things around, etc.), and just, like ... random gibberish typos that only became obvious to me after I posted, despite trying really hard to self edit myself carefully.

It's very difficult for me to have the focus to be able to do that sort of detail oriented task when things are in fast-brain mode. And, like, attention to detail is something I am typically very good at, so it's deeply embarrassing to me, especially in a new fandom where I'm creating a first impression.

And like, more generally I also feel like the shine has kind of gone off me and, I know that this is just my literal mental illness distorting my perception of Everything, but it feels like the fandom is already kind of over me because I'm too much. This is all very much a me problem and I don't think it's true or that anyone has treated me badly or done anything that would reasonably create this impression to a person who was not Going Through It (hence the read-more and, like, also: if you are a recent Ghosts follower you have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to me and I don't want you to reassure me*, I'm just insane and I need to get a grip/have serious mental health issues and need to be better at distress tolerance and not being so insecure in how I'm perceived and prone to assuming that people are sick of me.

But, anyway, I think that part of this is just like... also pretty normal? Hypomanic episodes can last up to months, but usually they do fizzle out much sooner than that for most people most of the time, so I think that I just have kind of run out of steam and now I'm going low again having been pretty high for a sustained two-ish weeks and the very obvious external end of the line signal given by NaNo ending has kind of naturally triggered that downturn.

And I am like, speaking pretty approximately here? I think I probably have mixed episodes more than pure hypomanic episodes, for the most part? But, yeah, I don't know. I think the rollercoaster is coming out of a corkscrew and it's just going down now. Which, you know, does suck but it also won't last forever, so that is some comfort. I also still think I might be premenstrual, which does fuck with my head a lot, so, y'know. TL;DR, I'll be fine, but I am having a hard time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Like, genuinely, please don't. This is a Me problem and I think it would be bad both for me and for my relationships with others if I were to make the people around me feel that they had to constantly protect my feelings by showering me with attention and reassurance, or whatever. And also, like, I'd feel Very Bad if I thought other people felt guilted into doing that because I made a vent post about my irrational feelings that I know full well on an intellectual level are not reflecting an objective reality, because other people do not deserve to feel personally responsible for the bullshit my brain pulls on me.