#The two things are mostly unrelated but also a little bit related

[femmeidiot]

do u guys know I love being bisexual and stupid ?

[sleepingdeath-light]

relationship hcs ; astarion

requested by ; mod / self indulgent

fandom(s) ; baldur’s gate 3

fandom masterlist(s) ; here

character(s) ; astarion ancunin

outline ; “dating headcanons for astarion”

note ; i have never played this game and am going completely off of the clips and guide videos i’ve been watching pretty much nonstop for the past week so apologies if my characterisation is at all shaky in this piece

warning(s) ; brief references to canon torture, self worth struggles, and other related angst — but otherwise mostly fluff!

when it comes to being in a relationship with you — a real relationship, that is, and not the act he was putting on to try and manipulate you at the start of your journey as a group — astarion is, for lack of a better analogy, very much so a fish out of water

and, thankfully, that’s not something he’s ashamed or scared to admit to you, so the early days of your relationship are filled with a lot of trial and error as you navigate your new dynamic and he adjusts to being permitted to make his own decisions and set his own boundaries

some things definitely come easier than others for him — namely verbal shows of affection like using pet names for you or being playful or flirty whenever you’re together; things that are more instinct than anything else, but no less genuine in their use

as one might expect, astarion does also use quite the variety of pet names for you — to the extent that your friends have a running joke about him not actually knowing what your real name is (which he always refutes with about as much sass as one might expect) — with his main terms of endearment being ones that he settled into using early on like ‘darling’, ‘beautiful’ (or ‘handsome’ if that is your preferred term), ‘my dear’, and, when he’s being a bit of a tease, ‘my little treat’

actual physical intimacy, however, is a much different story given his rather unfortunate history with his body and how he was forced to use it by his tormentor

of course he knows that you’re different, that you’re not like cazador or his ilk, but that doesn’t make those old habits any easier to break, nor two hundred years of trauma easier to shake from his mind — love and patience can only go so far, after all, and those memories and their effects on him won’t just vanish overnight

so, naturally, that means that adjusting to physical touch unrelated to sex is a very slow process for him — though he’s thankful to have you there with him throughout

there are a few things that he learns he really quite enjoys and makes that abundantly clear to you when you’re together: kisses, gentle touches to the hand, and hugs, mainly

oh and his kisses are truly marvellous once you help him accept intimacy unconnected to sex — they’re soft and sweet but no less passionate for it, starting off with a brief peck before he turns his head and gently (oh so gently) grasps your chin or cheek or neck and pulls you closer to him, almost as if you’re melting into each other as the kiss either deepens or makes way for a string of chaste pecks before you eventually pull apart for whatever reason

he also always makes sure to sooth any places he’s bitten with some apologetic kisses once he’s had his fill (as well as plenty of compliments on your person and about your blood)

his other favourite places to kiss you are either on your hands or wrists (the gentleman that he is): the insides of your wrists, the tips of your fingers, each of your knuckles in sequence, the backs of your hands, your palms when you cup his face in your hands — truly the list is endless and he delights in finding new ways to fluster you and make you smile

shit talking and gossipping amongst yourselves is extremely common and astarion has mastered the art of saying just the right thing about someone he doesn’t like just loud enough for you to hear at the perfect time to make you laugh (or try your best to cover said laugh if you’re currently talking to the subject of said shit talking)

when it comes to sleeping arrangements, astarion just loves being held (but not too tightly so he still has the freedom to get up and walk away for whatever reason if he needs to), but the specifics of the position don’t really matter to him — he’s just as happy to have you laying on his chest, or him on yours if you’re larger than him, as he is to cuddle you on his side (though he does secretly prefer to either be the little spoon or to have his face level with your chest when you’re both on your sides as it makes him feel safer, though it will take him a long time to ever even consider admitting to that)

he is naturally very protective of you and has been known to pull a dagger on anyone he deems as a threat to you — which is very beneficial in combat scenarios or situations where you are actually at risk, but a bit inconvenient when you’re trying not to draw any attention to yourselves and the issue is just some drunk that can’t keep quiet (still not good and something that should be called out, but perhaps not worth having to leave the town you just got to early as to avoid getting charged with yet another crime)

he doesn’t quite know what to do with himself whenever you’re unwell for whatever reason (especially if it’s something a healer can’t contend with) because it’s been centuries since he’s experienced any sort of illness so he can’t even really empathise with you about your situation — he tries his best, of course, but it’s easy to tell that he’s really out of his depth

no matter how long the two of you have been together, astarion still melts whenever you ask his permission to do the smallest of things (like asking if you can kiss him or hold his hand, for example) — but he melts even more when you accept when he declines for whatever reason becaus the novelty of being respected and loved without expectation or conditions never really wears off for him and he appreciates it all just as much as he did the first time

[sarnai4]

Bullies

This is a point that I have seen addressed a little by fans but never by the series. Ansson seriously disturbs me as a bully. Let's start by considering ages.

Here, I have a headcanon of Dagur being 18 or 19 at the oldest (mostly 18). There are multiple reasons I feel this, but the short version is that he had the typical experience of an 18-year-old. Instead of going to college, he was "pushed out the nest" by being given the responsibility of being chief. He was still viewed as a kid by the older Vikings (even getting called "boy" by Alvin), which I feel is something older teenagers can understand. It's like he was technically an adult and wanted to be treated as one, but no one else saw him that way. Another reason is this:

In 3 years, he looks extremely different. Like the Riders, he has a complete makeover. He's more muscular and he's trying to grow a beard (however badly. Poor thing). Overall, he looks older. This is different from the older characters since older people naturally age slower than adolescents. So, I think he wouldn't have had such a drastic physical change had he not been so young. Therefore, I think he is 21 in RTTE and probably just looks a bit older with bags under his eyes and everything because of his time spent in prison. This might seem unrelated, but I now present Ansson.

Can anyone truthfully say that he looks younger than 30? Another detail is a subtle one used in the show. Older characters like Stoick, Viggo, etc. have accents outside of America whereas the younger characters don't. The only exception are people from other lands like the Wing Maidens and Defenders. It's an indirect way of making viewers relate to the leads more since they can have something in common with them. Dagur has an American accent, but Ansson doesn't. Truthfully, I think Ansson is older than 30, but let's be generous. If he is 30 and if Dagur is at his oldest at 22, there is an 8 year difference between them. Bullying anyone is wrong, but it becomes particularly cruel when your target is so much younger than you. On top of this, I bring in my final image:

A tattoo of Dagur's face with a fist on top. This not only indicates the violent nature of the bullying but is also highly unsettling. There is never a line about this. Still, think about the mindset required to tattoo someone you dislike enough to bully onto yourself. This is not just talking badly about someone. It's more than a bully who pushes people in a locker. Ansson has two tattoos. One is of Dagur and the other is of the Scauldron/Thunderbeast. What do they both have in common? They're both Ansson's obsessions. I wish more people spoke about this, but there is something deeply wrong about it existing. At some point, someone should have stepped in - namely Oswald. I think this got dismissed because Dagur is Dagur and he knows how to handle himself. This is true, but as a child, it's not fair for him to have this Viking who is significantly older have an unhealthy obsession with him that led to physically and verbally abusive behavior. So little is known about Dagur's past. This is one of many areas I would like to explore.

[mossypidder]

If you click the names of the birds below, you will find photos of the actual birds I’m referring to; mostly provided because the second two are morphs

EDIT: So honestly. Contrary to final poll results and my initial lean toward the grosbeak, I think I might just go with the crow. The design’s grown on me and in the last week I’ve collected many bones and observed many local crows and found myself just quietly very drawn to them. Nothing’s set in stone, but. . . It feels more right than the grosbeak- there are still things that draw me to the latter, and I still really love them and might switch in the future, right now I relate more to crows I think.

Rose Breasted/Cutthroat Grosbeak (female)

Similarities (between myself and the bird) - small and chunky - eats mainly seeds, fruits, and nuts - elusive and relatively solitary aside from nesting season - very intricate, unique nest type - monogamous - take care of young for a month after fledging (which is longer than quite a few birds) - dwells mainly in deciduous forests - I honestly think I do look a bit like a grosbeak overall - there is limited information on them (which is obnoxious, but kinda goes with my aesthetic honestly)

Things I Like About Them - very pretty markings, especially on face which makes for fun character design - they were my favorite bird as a child and I would get so excited during the brief period that they would be at our feeder

Differences - females don’t sing as much as males - I am very much a mimic- I echo other people’s words as well as animal noises a lot, mostly without thinking, and grosbeaks do not mimic. The males learn songs from their fathers, but that’s different, and I’m not male anyway.

Black Billed Magpie (cinnamon)

Similarities - eat a lot of fruit and grain - they are skilled mimics - mate for life something I aspire to achieve one day - have only been seen in Michigan ten times in the last hundred years, so it fits the “elusive bird who’s sightings should be documented” narrative - parents allow their young to stay with them as long as needed, sometimes even years - males and females are both very vocal and sing, talk, and chatter quite often - wary of new things and will shy away from bright colors and flashing lights (yes, that includes shiny things) - many widely believed myths spread about them (such as tendencies to thievery, attraction to shiny objects, and hoarding things tho I am guilty of that last one)

Things I Like About Them - Gorgeous wings and tail (though rather plain facial markings which is sad) - they’re just nice, funky little guys and they were one of my favorites when I was younger as well

Differences - not a bird I’d really call chunky lol - they eat meat (mostly bugs) and meat is not my favorite honestly - while some do only stay in groups of two, many others have tribe of up to twelve

Common Crow (cinnamon)

Similarities - will bring people they like random bits of things such leaves, rocks, lost keys, and bones, as gifts - stops for roadkill (though I don’t eat it, I’m just there to steal feathers or check opossum pouches for potential surviving babies) - bones is good, we like bones - also talented at imitating human speech, other animals, and just random noises they find intriguing - mate for life - very family oriented and good at taking care of each other. They’ve even been known to adopt unrelated fledglings - stay in the nest up to forty days after hatching and often remain with a family group for two years, helping their parents look after younger siblings - males and females are very vocal - wants to eat rocks - scavengers - likes fruits, nuts, and seeds - seen as weird or gross by the majority - slow to trust humans, but is very loyal once they do - could be considered chunky - cinnamons tend to have blue or silver eyes

Things I Like About Them - they are just. very good. - wing markings of cinnamons are very interesting, and while I’d like more intricacies to work with for facial markings, they’re still good and simple

Differences - they are very social birds (but most of that social time is spent with their family, which is where most of mine is spent as well, so I’m not sure this is a true difference) - consumes a lot of meat (which, as stated, is not my favorite) - they are very common in Michigan and easy to spot almost anywhere

[flying-bear-tv]

Some stuff i noticed in the fionna and cake finale + betty theroy

# 1 Prismo's face glitch

This one is pretty self explanatory. for a frame prismos face glitches for no reason. I cant think of something we have seen that would explain this.

#2 After credits apple

After the credits there is a short animation of two shapes morphing into an apple. I thought this was a logo or something unrelated at first so I reversed image searched the apple but I couldn't find anything. So if its not related to a company it should be related to the show right? The shapes and bow for sure remind me of golbetty and apples have appeared multiple times (mostly use to shrink in size) This probably is important.

#3 Season One

The image on the left is a promotional poster for the show. On the bottom it gives the date episodes will start airing. Notice the lack of "Season One" near the top. The image on the right Is for the show's soundtrack which was released yesterday. All im gonna say is if I were producing a 10 episode miniseries I wouldn't want to specifically label it as season one if there was only one season.. And I definitely wouldn't only put that on promotional materials AFTER the season was done airing. I bet $72 there will be a season 2.

OKEY GUYS IT TIME TO TALK ABOUT BETTY1!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!! :]

Adventure time season 6 episode 43. The Comet. yea im bringing this up.

I saw a post saying this means "comet". It has the same number of characters as the bus sign but I no idea where they found how to read this. I think it makes sense though and I'll tell you why

As Simon is flying away from golbetty he sees her do this .. Notice the color of the light (electricity?? fire?) I also think she changes shape a bit. the image on the left is her when she first electricitys herself and the image one the right is a few seconds later. I'm not gonna draw any conclusions on why this is right now.

Now back to Adventure Time ;]

In The Comet finn witnesses several of his reincarnations. The two shown are a comet and a butterfly.

Now IF the bus is saying golbettys destination is "comet" this HEAVILY implies reincarnation as comets are directly tied to this in adventure time. Also notice how the electricity golbetty is using is THE EXACT SAME FUCKING COLOR AS THE COMET. And what does simon wake up to after seeing golbetty do that.

A FUCKING BUTTERFLY I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. she is kissing him

I think what happened is by Simon and Betty both moving on from their toxic yuri relationship Betty's wish to keep simon safe was realized. Because tbh the thing that was mostly likely to hurt Simon was his own indifference to life and tendency to self sacrifice. I mean, he was completely ready to say goodbye to his sanity multiple times JUST that episode.

This allowed Betty to separate from golb because she no longer needed its power. She gave simon and kiss, and then fucked off to do butterfly shit.

Even if im wrong this show was so beautiful TvT I really needed it. I totally understand if yall are disappointed because simon and betty didn't get a happy ending together but. They really needed to move on. And who knows.. maybe we'll get a season two ;) bye

Oh and the scarab fight scene was way too long and bringing jay and little destiny back was weird and forced.

[sunsetzer]

Assorted FFVI headcanons because these blorbos live in my head rent free: Edgar edition

- He became king at 17 and had to keep up an alliance with the people who killed his father alone for ten years, this man absolutely has anxiety

- Is used to suppressing said anxiety because he has to be dependable

- Definitely had a breakdown at some point in front of his friends and felt mortified; his friends don't judge him for it

- Workaholic- buries himself in his duties so he doesn't have to think about his feelings

- Tinkering as a means of comforting himself

- Actually quite the artist, especially sketching plans for machines, totally has a little notebook somewhere with rough sketches of various things and people he's encountered, Relm finds it at some point

- Doesn't hate kids but really also has no idea what to do with them if he's asked to watch them, will agree anyway (especially if it's for Terra)

- Always forgets to drink enough water

- Used to both hot and cold weather since he lives in a desert

- Outfit covers his whole body to protect from the sun but is very breathable so he's not overheating

- More of a survivalist than you'd expect him to be, especially knows a lot about the desert

- Can MacGyver the most seemingly unrelated useless objects into something useful

- The constant skirt chasing and flirting is intentionally exaggerated and he is not actually Like That to the level it seems

- Very bisexual, definitely has/had a thing with Locke or Setzer or both and also has a thing for Terra (good thing he's got two hands!)

- 100% would be down for polygamy

- Blonde hair is weird for a desert dwelling people with darker skin (related: I just cannot picture the figabros as white, they would burn so bad in the desert) but it's a Figaro royal family thing and of course Edgar is proud of it and vehemently refuses to cut it at all, impracticality be damned

- Uses some kind of special conditioner so even though the desert is hot and dry, his hair is very soft and shiny

- Figaro's native dishes can be notoriously spicy so the twins have a high spice tolerance

- Edgar absolutely deliberately chooses the spiciest dishes his country has to offer when entertaining fellow politicians he does not like, and his guests can't really complain because spices are one of those things that mean status and whatnot, so refusing a spicy meal is like slapping Edgar in the face, so he's just sitting there having a nice time and the other guy is internally on fire (yes he did do this to Gestahl and Kefka, the latter of which barely had a reaction to the pain and deeply unsettled him)

- Zero patience for nobility who look down on common folks

- Visits South Figaro incognito to check on his people, some of them have figured out it's him but they keep quiet about it

- Had the death penalty abolished in Figaro very early on in his reign

- Was personally responsible for the invention of air conditioning

- Gets adorably excited when talking about machines, will completely forget that not everyone understands technical jargon

- Very sentimental, has a collection of mementos from his travels, definitely still has the Gerad getup

- Will never admit it out loud but at least one of his friends has figured out that he can be calmed by stroking his hair, like a cat (it was probably Locke, they've known each other the longest, he definitely tells the rest of them because it's adorable and silly, yes Sabin was already aware of this)

- If he had a choice he'd be living in a little workshop building and repairing things for people instead of running a country

- A little bit vain but not obnoxious about it, mostly because he's supposed to keep up a certain image as the king

- Actually enjoyed being Gerad and not having to be proper all the time

- Is not stuck in Figaro all alone after the game because I refuse to believe they'd all just go back to doing their own things, instead his friends show up to pull him away from working himself to death and help take some of the burden off of his shoulders

EDIT: Can't believe I forgot my own headcanon I've already posted about but: migraines

Can you tell I think a lot about Figaro and the twins, because I think A Lot about them, I think the desert kingdom is very neat and desperately want to see it rendered in modern CG (I can't help imagining it would be like the desert region in ff16 every time the plot sends me there; please square I beg of you)

[adobe-outdesign]

What are your thoughts on Luvdisc? And Alomomola too if you feel like it, because let’s admit it, those two should’ve definitely been related.

Luvdisc is... well, a disc. No false advertising there. It's probably one of the simplest Pokemon designs out there, literally just a heart shape with eyes, cheeks, and a bit of a mouth.

While the simplicity is nice to some extent, I do find myself wanting more of out it. I think it's just the lack of anything to break up the body—even just a small fin at the top or the side would've helped it look more organic (seriously, how does this thing swim) and would've given it just enough detail as to not feel so plain.

One thing I do like about Luvdisc is that it has some neat worldbuilding associated with it, such as being used as a gift to loved ones and being considered a good romantic omen if spotted. Outside of this, however, Luvdisc is fairly forgettable.

Alomomola is so obviously similar to Luvdisc (heart shaped, pink, water-type, associated with love and kindness) that I'm pretty convinced it was designed to be Luvdisc's evo before they decided that Gen 5 would only feature previous Pokemon in the post game, thus they decided to break it off into its own 'mon. It's a particularly weird choice to have both be separate, as we now have two lines with the same theme that are both single-stagers for no reason.

Looking at Alomomola on its own though, I do like it a bit more than Luvdisc. It's based off of the mola-mola or ocean sunfish, also known as one of God's silliest creatures:

However, despite being based on such an interesting fish, Alomomola is fairly unremarkable. It could've shared the mola-mola's gigantic size, maybe even having Luvdisc feed on its parasites in some regions if they really didn't want to go with the evo route. Instead, Alomomola is characterized as a loving Pokemon, which is fine but already done to death with Pokemon like Chansey and Audino.

Visually, the additional fins help break up the design a bit and work better than Luvdisc's plainness; mostly because it's clearly a (sun)fish that looks like a heart, rather than literally looking exactly like a heart and nothing else. I like how the mouth shape mimics the fin shape and how the black makes the eyes pop, but otherwise it's fairly standard. Nothing bad, just nothing remarkable either.

Seeing as GameFreak is never going to retcon these guys into one line, I think they could both use a little something. I could easily see Alomomola getting a regional—maybe a dark-type based on a broken heart or something obvious like that. Then maybe Luvdisc could get an evo that goes in a different direction, like it starts getting some cupid-like elements or something. That might help make the two lines more distinct, because if they're not gonna be together, might as well push them further apart.

Tl;dr: Both lines are decently designed and do what they need to, but suffer from being unrelated single-stagers for no reason, something that new forms could potentially fix. Between the two, Alomomola is a bit more thought out, but ultimately both are pleasant enough.

[synergysilhouette]

Rewriting "High Card" (Season 1)

This is the first anime I've rewritten episode for episode--and this is mainly because it's only two short seasons. I actually really enjoyed this series, and it's one of the few original animes I've watched (and a bright side after being heavily disappointed by "Bucchigiri?!"), but since I'm in the business of doing rewrites now, I decided to fix some story issues I found with this show (mainly character-related), though I wanted to wait until finishing season 2 to make sure my criticisms would be alleviated. Since there isn't too much I dislike, there won't be too much to change, though I wrote this mostly for myself. Here's hoping for a 3rd season!

One Shot--One of the good/bad things about this show is that they pretty much dive right into the action. It's good since it gets your attention, but leaves something to be desired for the story. For this episode, I'd want to give more attention to Finn's time in the orphanage (the whole reason he's a pickpocket, yet his time there is barely covered).

2. Make a Choice--Mostly the same, but again giving more information on Finn's time at the orphanage, as well as seeing him interact with the people there (especially Lindsey). I'd also alter the ages a bit so they feel closer. In the series, Vijay is 26, Wendy is 21, Chris is 20, and Finn is 17. I'd probably make them all in their early 20s (Vijay being older felt like it took him out of the spotlight, and I felt like it fit Finn better to be older). I'd also alter Chris' personality a bit; in the anime, his charming personality is often framed as disingenuous to hide his selfish nature underneath due to his own trauma. I like the idea that his flirtiness and charismatic attitude isn't false bravado, and that's just who he is, along with being contemplative and serious when the time calls for it. The origins of Fourland are also explained here instead of in episode 6.

3. Crazy Rich--Leo is also aged up to around the same age as the other High Card youths, with it being stated that he and Vijay are childhood friends (in contrast to the original, where they have a 12 year age gap and Vijay is seen raising him; this is mainly because Vijay gets such little focus and I never understood why he'd be looking after Leo at such a young age). I'd also want a bit more focus on Leo's backstory and his relationship with his father, Owen, and Bernard. I'd also set the scene for Theodore and Ban's relationship as well as hints at Ban's main goal (which the anime waited until the end to address, and it didn't really go anywhere).

4. Samurai Girl--A bit more of Wendy's past is dived into rather than a short backstory, and 'd make it so that Vijay is the one to disarm Love-P rather than Finn (given that I want other characters to get a chance to shine outside of Chris and Finn). Chris is unavailable to be in the fight at that time because he got an emergency call from Michel, who just wanted to see him, and she tells him that she's being discharged from the hospital soon. Apple also becomes Finn's first friend unrelated to High Card and the orphanage.

5. Power Game--Sugar catches on a bit quicker to the events of what's going on in the country, as well as being more sly and tactful rather than just headstrong. She also goes on leave after the death of John Doe. We also hear about how Ban's father died and his hints at wanting to get him back at any cost. Vijay, Bernard, and Leo also explain the power of X-hands and how they come at a great cost, explaining how Ban attempted to use it years ago to reverse time to save his father, but Theodore prevented it, and that his aim is to use an X-hand to travel back in time and save him. However, they suspect another goal in mind as well. More info on the royal family is also highlighted, particularly how Noah hired Ban to kill his brothers so he could be king (kinda feel like the show buried the lead with that).

6. Take Back Five--Vijay gets more of the focus here, being the one to orchestrate the acquisition of the 5 of Diamonds. Apple is there as well, and shows an unusual desire to obtain the card, despite Finn never revealing to him it's nature. I'd like to think Bernard also is present for this, though Leo is mixed about this, feeling mixed about it, not wanting his father to distrust him, but also wanting to make him proud. It's also implied that Finn knew that Chris switched out the 5 of Diamonds dueling the auction, but he believes that Chris turned it in to HC, so he didn't confront him about it.

7. Love and Fake--It is confirmed that Chris is bisexual--not for fanservice reasons (even though I am a Chris/Finn shipper), but he says in season two after rescuing Finn "I'm into holding men, too," and I feel like it'd come up while he and Finn are conjoined. It's also revealed that Chris had been trying to woo Chelsea for a short while in order to get her card, but while she was catching feelings, she saw through his flirting, since it's robotic as he does it with many women. While conjoined, we see flashbacks of Chris and Finn's lives (particularly about their parents), as well as Chris deciding to be a bit more contemplative about him playing with others' feelings, even if it's for the greater good. The episode plays out mostly the same, save for Chris asking Chelsea out for a date on his next day off (I'm a Chris/Chelsea shipper, as you can see), but to everyone's surprise, Leo has hired her as a member of High Card, using her social media presence to promote the company.

8. Heat Up--Up to this point, Finn has been making periodic visits to the orphanage and helping Lindsey cover the payments, and brings Chelsea and Wendy (the only members of HC available) as well as Apple to come with him for Lindsey's birthday. Lindsey still turns down his offer to get more money to help keep the orphanage open, and Finn also notes how Lindsey reminds him of someone he used to know, though Lindsey doesn't press him on it, knowing that his past is painful to recall. Chris also doesn't refer to himself as brother to Finn (this would be to maintain the fanservice). Most of the episode plays out the same, though Apple has a breakdown when he thinks Finn died.

9. By Your Side--Chelsea and Chris visit Finn, revealing that when Chelsea joins two people, she also develops a connection with them, able to read their emotions, and sometimes their thoughts, allowing her to convey to Chris Finn's pain. Most of the episode plays out the same, though the episode ends with Chelsea coming to a realization, and she rushes to find Michel, who's escaped the hospital again, as well as Finn noting that he needs to check on Apple after his mission is over.

10. To Be Apart--Given that Chris' backstory is already explored prior, the episode focuses more on Ban's motives (before this, we'd just heard it explained rather than see it) and how Theodore's adherence to the rules only became stronger with time. I'd also say that Arya was fired from HC rather than simply leaving, since helping Tyler breaks a significant rule. The other members of HC aren't put on standby, so Vijay and Wendy rescue Chris, and Chris quickly disappears after getting Alex's card. Finn gets a call from Leo, who tells him that Chelsea informed him that Chris is looking for Michel in order to heal her with an X-hand. Finn subsequently passes out from his injuries rather than Chris shooting him.

11. Chris--Most of the episode's the same, except everyone already knows Chris' motives, and Chelsea manages to find Michel at the carnival just as Chris does. Lindsey returns Chris' money to Finn, but it motivates Finn to work harder to save the orphanage even more, and we get a glimpse of Finn's brother, who up to this point he had forgotten, which pushes him to protect Lindsey, the orphanage, and High Card (Chris included).

12. Finn--The royal family is still defended by HC, but Finn immediately goes after Chris rather than being knocked out and hospitalized. Tilt stops him, taking from some of season 2 and revealing that he's Finn's brother, and doesn't want to hurt him, but has sympathy for Chris, which is why he joined Ban, who also has something he wants to get back. Chelsea is also never injured and uses her telepathy to distract Chris in order for Finn to shoot one of the cards out of his hands. In the end, Chris is fired from High Card (considering he did something that is completely against the rules), though he still needs money in order to support himself and Michel, and Ban offers him a place with the Klondike family. He doesn't have to do any of the extreme dirty work, but he would have to go against his former friends. Chris agrees for a couple reasons: to support himself and Michel, out of sympathy for Ban, and because he believes High Card will eventually beat the Klondike family.

And that's all my notes for now! Perhaps I'll come back and add more content/revise before season 2. Lemme know what you think!

[lifenconcepts]

mrrrow? (how are you?) also. *runs around due to zoomies*

I was wondering, how did you figure out your identities? also what are they? of course it’s okay if you don’t keep track or just don’t want to answer lolz.

I love this question but sadly enough I can’t define my entire identity in mere words! Overall, I just have a basic grasp on understanding on who/what I am after spending a lot of time reflecting on my own life experiences, the way I perceive and feel things, what I like doing, and the sorts!

I only came to use the term therian a couple years back, approx 2022, and alterhuman only this year, and yet have been feeling in-human for way longer now!

as a child I showed many signs of both being a creature, wanting to be like them, acting like them, studying them, wanting to be referred to as such, and seeing myself as one. Specifically what I’m talking about is a wolf. I had plenty of traits that existed in both me and the animal and I tended to gravitate to media of them, also using some variation of “wolf” in my online usernames, and felt an insane rush of emotion when people outright called me a wolf or that I resembled one (both irl and online), and it felt more true to what I am.

lately though I have gotten more used to my human body and I’ve honestly never been one to experience species dysphoria but even now I do fanaticise about having certain animal features and traits (and I still do present a wolf in a few ways and forms, also experience shifts not all that commonly but still).

it just kinda sat with me for a while until not that long ago, maybe 2022 again, where I began to experience strong urges related to birds or wings, and after a few shifts, it quickly became more manageable and now mainly exists as a silly little desire and not as much of an identity and yet I can say it was rather likely because I was feeling mentally stuck and in a true bad shape at the time and maybe a desire for freedom and escape manifested such an identity in me but I don’t exactly feel the same now, still, I do enjoy thinking of flying or wanting to have wings along with also adoring studying birds and looking at them.

Those two are my main ones and other than that I have a few “flowy” ones which sort of fluctuate in my brain depending on either how I feel or what I’m doing, often times, I feel like an angelic being (completely unrelated to angels in most media) and my perception of the world changes accordingly, other times, I feel a bit unsettled and may revert to feeling like a pathetic dog but in a silly way, and physically feel like I have the body of such, but other than that, I can usually tell if a feeling or emotion I’m experiencing is simply a human thing (for example being guilty for failing a promise, excited to do something I love, or curious about a new topic) and if something may be related to my alterhuman self (having traits that don’t match humans (also part of my neurodivergence), desires urges or cravings for things I usually don’t have an interest in, and changes in my perception of the world).

I still am sort of figuring out myself as I go, for we all know, there isn’t a single day in life where we stop growing, changing, and learning - only taking breaks here and there to relax. So even though I have mostly figured myself out for the whole part there are still things I wish to know better about myself and I’ll also likely keep somewhat changing with what I feel fits or doesn’t fit me, and yet other than that, it’s a matter of understanding!

personally I’m spiritual (not religious) and so have an internal hunch that helps me understand and better learn things, being able to grasp a concept and comprehend wether it’s something I should make a fuss about or let go, and it has helped me decide on things that I presume others can’t really do..

for example, I can tell inherently just by focusing on a thought if it’s a mere mortal happening or has some underlying reason- and from then on figure out if it’s due to a natural behaviour like how our brains work OR may be some inhuman aspect, and then figure out how to deal with it usually by invoking some information from previous experiences. Like, if on a walk, suddenly feel a thrill at seeing the trees, and after realising that I’m being overly enthusiastic of such a thing, take a few seconds to think, and recognise if it’s because I just haven’t been outside in a few days and just love the beauty of it all or have a deep connection with nature and feel at home with it all (both of which happened to me at different times).

there isn’t a set guide to how and why some things are so it’s usually always best at figuring out yourself by yourself, but trying to figure out how others did it can also be a great help!

in short, I just focused on the moment and what makes sense for it. Because even for a set identity, certain habits or beliefs or opinions or thoughts can have different meaning and effects depending on the situation, and it’s best to give examples but I hope you understand anyways.

The cause of a specific response can often chance or even differentiate so it’s never as easy as keeping a booklet of “if I breathe, I will be happy. If I see a cat, I’ll pet it” because things can often vary and maybe go differently. One moment you’re randomly happy then the next you’re suddenly sad with no reason. One day you really like the sun and the next you feel like it’s threatening you. One event you really like to look at around at the way people dress and another you are indifferent and are thinking of other things. Nothing will ever be stationary and neither will an identity. Anything can, will, and likely has changed but to figure out what and who you truly are, it’s best to just see what you feel most comfortable as or what you’ve been experiencing the longest and still feel relates to you. Find comfort in the unknown and don’t be in a rush to find answers, take your time, and even if it takes a long long time, it doesn’t matter because nobody is in a rush! Just stay calm, try to be fine with not yet knowing things, and slowly make baby steps into seeing the bigger picture!

Truly, feel free to come to me if you need help with your own journey or ask me any questions about myself! I’ll be happy to talk and help :))

[galaxietm]

popping on to give some updates!

- updated blog icon to match @peachiiihearts (ily dew) - updated pinned list for june bdays (with the exception of my own, but there's several muses whose bdays i'm excited for, so hopefully i can hop on to do stuff for them) - considering updating blog header?? not sure - trimming down muse list in the background, will probably post what muses i'm dropping soon(ish??) - working on getting muse pages finished so i can share carr.d link, may just share carr.d link without the pages being done. - a few more oc pages are done, others have been started

other general updates below the cut, somewhat unrelated to rp stuff but adjacently related to blog status i guess? feel free to keep scrolling if you'd like! no pressure ♡♡

tl;dr / me attempting to condense it all here. i haven't been around as much due to mental health (probably the second biggest reason) as well as stressing about money-related things; i don't want to bring that energy and such onto here so i've been avoiding it, more or less. i've been working a lot the last two weeks, in part so i can catch up with rent and try to get ahead of that and bills, and i think i'll start to have free time in about a week / week and a half (as my birthday this month comes up, funny enough lol) since i've been all over the place due to work, that's why some of my activity is all over the place. my shifts at work vary from overnights (think 10pm to 6am) to early mornings (around 2am - 7am, 4am - 9am, etc) and sometimes somewhat close to each other- so i really mostly have time to come home, eat, wind down and relax. so if i hop online, it's moments like now (where it's like, 2:30am-ish) for a little bit before one of my early shifts.

have also been dealing with random aches, pains and headaches as well (woke up with a really bad migraine a week ago when i was gonna try to be online / try to write, so that didn't happen) so i've been attempting to self-care while i can, and i'm trying to get up the courage to reach out to a few therapists for consultations so i can finally like. i dunno- try to get that part taken care of since my last therapist didn't work out and it's been a while. i'm also trying to fit in getting new glasses, since i've had my current pair for, uh- way longer than i should have.

but anyway. aside from the stress and still slow recovering from the legal stuff with evicting ex-roomies early this year (as well as avoiding the attempts of updates people have tried to give me about them, because there's people who have been attempting to tell me about them lol) i've been slowly doing better. trying to do what i can to fix up my place and trying to get things in shape on my end. i've been far happier without them here, i can actually relax and like. start to get to know myself and be myself again. it's been?? a little bit bittersweet, honestly. complicated feelings for different reasons, i guess. i had to hide parts of myself because of the first set of roomies, and i didn't get to bring those parts back for a while.

i've been finally watching through some anime on my backlog and i've been resisting the urge to joke about possibly writing dungeon meshi characters or others- but there's a few characters i've picked up (one i'm finally indulging myself on trying to write lol) and a few that that i'm waiting until i finish trimming the muse list until i decide to pick them up- for my own sanity, really. i'm trying to be less attached to them and more 'do i get to write for you aside from saying i'd like to? then bye' about some of them.

but anyway. i hope all of you have been doing well. think of this as a bit of a vent post? i haven't done one of those in a while, haha. it's been an interesting year, but hopefully soon i'll get to be active here again- i really miss writing, so hopefully soon i'll be able to get back on here and just. write and interact with some of ya'll again.

if you'd like to try to keep in touch better, i've got a disc.ord i can exchange with mutuals.

[hot-take-tournament]

Hi, the one anon with a stalker story here. Basically, it started around February of this year, sort of. I, a cringefail lesbian wasn't exactly going out with a girl, but we mutually like each other, so I was gonna ask her to the Sadie's dance that was soon, but my almost-stalker did, I had a little thing of self-discovery, but the important thing from this was my almost-stalker and I both liked her, but it was a thing of us both wanting her to be happy (tbh I felt like I got led on, but I learned later they went as friends). Anyways, after my almost-stalker also got her heart broken by this girl, we talked for a bit, we shared a class (choir). I heard that she was kind of weird and creepy, but it was a thing of not judging people before I met them. The first red flag was the fact that she knew where most of her friends live, only because of the location feature on snapchat, even having pictures of their houses, a lot of which without the knowledge of the person. A few days later, I was waiting for my friend after school, because they live near me and we go home together (they let their girlfriend drive their car to a clinic nearby because she was going into a medical field and worked there for experience) and my almost-stalker was there, near a rock pit (kind of important, I promise). So, because me and my friend and my almost-stalker are a group of gays, we were looking around the rock pit, picking up pretty rocks. As a small sign of friendship, I gave my almost-stalker a pretty rock I found. Later, she got my number from a friend. That evening, she was texting me, and said that she liked me (specifically, one of the questions of "what would you do if I liked you"), so I replied as kindly as I could, saying I didn't like her back. A half hour later, she was asking where I lived. After two answers of just the town I was in and the area nearby she said "It's OK. I will only watch you through you windows" (actual quote from her). I am a very paranoid person, and I was getting VERY nervous, texting two of my friends about it (the one who gave my phone number to her and another friend mostly unrelated with the incident). The one friend who gave my number (who was apparently high at the time) was joking about giving her my address because "it would be funny". So there I was, crying, hands shaking texting my other friend how scared I was about it. I kind of just didn't reply to my almost-stalker, though she was trying to find out where I lived still, through something I said. I haven't really talked to the girl since, though I tried my best to get a sick day because of how terrified I was of going to school the next day. I'm fine, a little paranoid still, but fine 👍 (sorry this is so long)

i've never had a stalker, so i can't say i know exactly what that's like - but i think i can relate to that feeling of paranoia

over the past couple years i've lived in some dangerous areas, and i've had people jump me in the street, wait for me outside buildings, and follow me home; and sometimes i feel as though i'll spend the rest of my life never being truly safe

it's an awful feeling, and i wouldn't wish it on anyone

i know you sent this months ago now, so i don't know if you'll read this, and i'm really sorry for not responding when you first sent this; but i hope you're still doing okay <3

[morningstar-chronicles]

@hiya-itsamber you convinced me to start the inheritence games series- i'm on chapter 14 of book 1. here are my thoughts:

i'm making an inheritence games DR for sure. avery just got bequeathed a wholeass mansion where she now lives with four rich, hot dudes. like obviously i want that.

speaking of, i went into this book knowing i was going to pick a guy. no two ways about it. so my thoughts on each boy thus far:

grayson is annoying so far. also one of my DR brothers is called grayson, so i think i'd feel weird about liking grayson. also, he's not very bright, i feel. he acts like he is, but he's also not viewing avery in the logical sense, despite literally priding himself on being the most business-y, factual brother.

nash is okay? i haven't seen much of him yet. he kinda reminds me of a guy i don't like, so i'm not super fond, but that's not really his fault. irl boy just spoiled cowboys/texas for me forever 😐

xander is cool but i have an ex named alex so idk... but so far i like his personality. he reminds me of leo, whom i obviously adore.

jameson... good lord, i'm in danger. witty, puppy-dog, and just a touch self-destructive? save me now. plus his name is james(on) which automatically places me in danger of falling in love. besides the riddles? the games?? good lord that boy is mine.

libby is a saint, and drake should die. avery's a stronger soul than me, because i woulda knocked a bastard out.

(timeskip here from me reading up to ch 14 to like ch 48-ish)

rahhhh okay. soft spot for grayson. soft spot for xander. jameson may have lost my favour, after saying everything with avery was a game. girl i'd be PISSED if some rich white mfer said that to me. but he did also literally shield avery with his body when they were being shot at, so... idk maybe he's a little bit forgiven. also, i'm not fond of this emily chick, but i will tell you i think she has something to do with why avery inherited the estate.

avery's mom died because she didn't get a transplant. emily had some kind of congenital heart condition. those two things are related, i just don't know how yet. maybe emily got the transplant that avery's mother was supposed to get, hence the apology? but emily died due to her heart condition (supposedly) so maybe not.

super proud of myself for knowing the middle names were meant to be places and not surnames right off the bat. also, definitely knew emily was two-timing grayson and jameson (although ngl... avery's kinda doing that too, but i think maybe for her it's not as intentional). also also? the parents' blatant favouritism of emily over rebecca?? sucks balls. i love rebecca so far. she's gonna be the traitor. if amber didn't love him so much, it would be between rebecca and nash, honestly. they both seem like kind, caring people, but the focus isn't on them so they slip under the radar.

i know i'm not supposed to like thea but like. she's awesome. i do like her. which is hilarious, because i'm not supposed to like her, but especially hilarious because she dated xander and i adore xander. even though you don't see much of him, you can tell he's got just as much as the other hawthorne boys going on under the surface, and i've always tripped and fallen in love for a good enigma of a boy.

i know something's happening with max, but i'm ignoring that in favour of the plot for now, but mostly because max is in another state. if she was in texas, i would be looking at her more closely. unrelated- toby is definitely alive, right?

sorry to everyone else who follows me who definitely thinks i'm insane lol

[amirsirwrites]

Hi!! Love your writing style and Saw the dadspy and hey haha I just cut contact with my dad!!Completely unrelated can you please write some headcanons about medic being a good father figure to a teen (16+ so not a lil baby) training under him? Idk how sane this sounds as I am under influences but could you mix in some emotional vulnerability or like them hugging? Sorry for the weird request and thank you sm!!

Hi, anon! Yes, you can, dear. Thank you for the request and don't worry, it's not weird at all. I hope you're doing alright. :)

Dad!Medic with a young adult reader 💜

Requested

Dad!Medic and GN!Young adult!reader

------

You joined the mercenaries as medical support, mostly to help poor Medic who started to complain to Ms Pauling about the other mercs, saying, “Those dummkopfs can’t stay alive for even a few minutes!”

The original plan was for you to just operate the Medigun on the field and that was it but, of course, Medic had other plans for you.

When you two first met, you immediately started discussing about all kinds of medical stuff. You were fascinated by Medic’s accomplishments. I mean, who wouldn’t be? Even the most renowned doctors all over the world haven’t managed to accomplish half of what he has.

Given the fact that you shared his passion for medicine, thirst for knowledge, and were relatively new to the medical field, he took you in as his disciple straight away. 

He taught you all about his different inventions and theories. Medic was more interested in the end product than the process of how he got there so he left the science and whatnot for you to figure out. 

You two were the perfect duo. Medic did the crazy brainstorming and experimenting while you examined his impressive messes and made sense of it using the knowledge you got from your medical textbooks. 

Medic enjoyed your company a lot. Finally, someone who could understand him and his wild ideas. The two of you would often stay up late, talking about all kinds of things while sipping your drinks. 

Naturally, Medic eventually began to treat you like his own kid. And although that’s mostly a good thing, it can be a bit annoying, not just for you but also for the other mercs.

The thing about Medic is that he’s very protective of the people he cares about. And I mean really protective. 

If you’re out in battle and you get even just a scratch on your face, Medic will flip out. He’ll be scolding the other mercs for letting you get hurt while hugging you tightly.

He’s not just protective of you in battle. You can bet that he’ll be making sure you eat healthily and avoid unhealthy substances such as alcohol and cigarettes. 

Like I said earlier, when you hang out with him, you two mostly just chat while you eat or drink. You talk about a lot of different things together. Although the topic is usually medical-related, there are those times when you have a heart-to-heart discussion about each other’s lives and feelings. 

Medic shared memories of his childhood and family and so did you. You both feel comfortable talking about personal topics like that with each other.

If you ever tear up while talking about something emotional for you, Medic will bring you in for a hug and pat your back soothingly. “There, there. It’s alright, my dear Täubchen. Thank you for telling me.”

After one of those emotional discussions, when you calmed down after being comforted by him, you gave him a big smile and said, “Thanks, dad.”

You had to start comforting and hugging him instead because tears of joy started streaming down his face after he realised what you said. 

Overall, you two have a very open and loving relationship and are the best of partners in everything. :)

------

'Täubchen' - Little dove (German)

'Dummkopfs' - Idiots (German)

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 11/8/22

two days before my birthday problems

listening

Arrival At The Library from the Escape From New York soundtrack (1981, dir. and also scored by Carpenter). this is one of my favorite tracks bc of how tense it is-- so much music theory has been written about this score but i like it bc i like short fast repetition. makes me feel like i am inside computer as i do my little computer tasks.

the tracks on this thing are so short and mostly blend into each other, so it should not be startling that a thing i like so much is a hair over a minute long but i'm startled anyway.

unrelated to the music but related to the movie: let me lay out a scenario. a friend's partner (neither active on this site) was recently gushing about kurt russell's performance in this movie (same) and like. i know this man knows what bisexuality is. me saying "oh yeah have you seen big trouble in little china? suzee pai is so hot in that" got NO nibbles bc he immediately started talking about the women in the trucker episode of cowboy bebop.

i cannot outright ask this man for reasons of basic propriety if he is also bi. i can't even do the little signalling hey-im-bi-are-you-bi signalling dance bc 1) doesn't work on guys and 2) only works in real life and not the online. this isn't a problem to solve i'm just nosy and want to know if my vibes are right. also this would bump up the total of bi guys i know but have not dated to a grand total of three.

-

reading

one of my favorite grad students, a nuclear anthropologist, was briefly quoted in this middling article about bitcoin's survival in the event of a nuclear war (no). i do not know this guy in real life but i do have a parasocial relationship bc we used to run in the same physics/astro twitter circles before i had to use twitter for work and stopped using it personally for my health.

this is more of an excuse to talk about one of my favorite patreon structures, where it's just Some Guy doing his thing with a three dollar a month tier or something. i don't particularly care about new or exclusive content, or the perceived value thereof, i like the cut of someone's jib and want to throw a couple dollars for groceries their way. i want a handy spot to find, say, all the articles someone's written and been quoted in all in one place and nobody keeps their fuckin CV or portfolio updated and i'll be fucking damned before i use twitter again. because of my own personal choices, i am going to whine about how it is very hard to keep track of some of you people's work and what you're up to. inoreader only does so much, especially with twitter in an upheaval.

-

watching

this teardown of two of those automatic cocktail makers was very fun, got passed around the makerspace discord a bit. spoiler: it's pretty gross in there. this host is just a nice jersey boy who's lightly exasperated, which was of course extremely compelling to me.

in the original test run of these machines, he does what i value most in a critic but for food-- identify what is happening flavorwise, if it's typical or atypical for the drink, and break down exactly which flavor notes clash and why. i do not think i have every really thought about What Alcohol Flavors I Like other than knowing i have a light mint allergy and a dislike for tannins so this was a fun brain exercise.

-

playing

so there's a goofy little claw machine pie dispenser in the video game Fallout 4 that does not actually dispense pie. well, depending on a complex series of factors but mostly my luck stat (1) it would take about a hundred and fifty tries to get a slice of pie, across hundreds and hundreds of hours of playing this frankly disappointing game. but the sims is a little too scary and the settlement building here scratches a brain itch.

so when i got the fuckin pie in a shed in a DLC i shrieked out loud in real life. this was before i googled the stats to include in this post and found out this location is bugged and always gives you the pie. so it FUCKIN goes. i briefly considered building a museum to it, but i'm still going to put it in a display case in my player housing so none of my companions eat it.

i don't even have a pic of it in the machine bc i wasn't fast enough, it's more like a little ritual gesture than actually expecting to get the pie at this point.

-

making

a friendly reminder that my birthday is thursday :) and i am making a bigger fucking deal out of it than usual bc quite frankly i should not be alive. in lieu of commemorative gifts, donate to your local food bank or Native American tribe. more info here!

went into some sort of fugue state last night and wrote twenty pieces of mail. are the most overdue replies in the mail yet? heavens fucking no. usually outgoing mail goes in the toucan, but not this fat sheaf, which was very satisfying to hold. no fancy fanned-out pic bc many are going to beloved mutuals

and woe! more red lentil soup be upon ye (do not @ me. the lower shelf is full of various frozen meats. also do not @ me about the margaritaville shrimps. they were two dollars). square containers when these fake tupperware die, i think, although it feels like soup should always be in a round container.

[reureuby]

5 Yakuza OC Headcanons :))))

Inspired by @majimemegoro!!

I have 3 lil Yakuza ocs- with one being a literal child™. I mostly write/talk about them on @kamurocho-dreams! They're very fresh so I haven't completely plotted their more serious stuff yet (besides that listed in their bios).

Etsumi Sugihara:

Knows literally two words in english- and it's "Fuck you". Taught to him by E.

Has the police in his pocket, pays them out if any of his staff or patrons end up in trouble.

UFO catcher King. Always wins the prizes, known for helping little kids win their ideal prizes.

Takes a gazillion selfies for his own enjoyment- but they always end up looking like some lost middle-aged man with no concept of making things look good.

Absolutely despises getting into anything with his yakuza family. Hates being dragged out to meetings, hates being caught up in fights, but can't leave since he's the "breadwinner".

Tsuki Sakuraba:

Fusses over his girls and sees them all like his daughter.

Loves a bit of a fight, gets into all kind of fights across Kamurochō. An active participant in the coliseum.

As "son" of the Sakuraba patriarch, he tries to hold himself up to a very formal manner despite also being the clumsiest man alive.

ADORES KAROKE. Get to the Top is his go to song, along with Judgement (which he does with Etsumi, if he manages to convince him to go)

Cuts his hair himself, he literally couldn't decide if he wanted to have longer or short hair, so went with whatever weird mix he concocted himself.

Miyuna Sakuraba:

Knows that Etsumi isn't her real dad, but really loves being with him and doing things with him.

Talks with the hostesses at Tsuki's club and they all look after her like she was their own daughter.

I dropped this in an unrelated discord, but Miyuna has little soft toys that relate to Etsumi/Tsuki's tattoos- like she has a soft toy Koi and clouds with lightning bolts

[fortunesrevolver]

Went to a neurologist today regarding some long-time problems I've been having related to NF1, scoliosis, and other things. Mostly the first two. I don't really know how to explain it all without just babbling about medical stuff and throwing a lot of private information on the internet...

It's just really exhausting. I found out six months ago I essentially had a... sack of spinal fluid hanging off my spine. There's a lot of tissue and nerves growing through the surrounding area which makes it insanely difficult to operate on. Not to mention that, because part of it IS related to my NF due to the mass that the sack (for lack of better words) is essentially sitting on is a neurofibroma and... buh. I don't even know how to explain this in a way that makes sense.

Maybe I can dumb it down to the most basic issues:

I have scoliosis

I have neurofibromatosis

My hips are asymmetrical (due to the above)

This in turn makes one leg a little longer than the other, not because the legs themselves are different sizes. My hip raises one up a bit.

My right sight is very obviously weaker than the left.

Unrelated to the NF/Scoliosis stuff, I've been having really bad vertigo that won't go away. This caused nausea issues that won't go away, and all this is just stacked on top of the constant pain issues I'm already having. I can't jog or run. Even walking makes my back and neck hurt more than I can properly explain.

Everything combined together is just... exhausting. So exhausting. I can't even hold a job down because after a day or two I'm just so low energy and slumped and just... dead energy-wise and motivation-wise because of all the pain. It's just. Always pain.

Walking for more than a few minutes? Pain. And that pain just gets worse the more I move.

Jogging? Running? Straight up can't. The "sack" mentioned earlier essentially bounces up and down if I try and it sends shooting pain down my right leg. Bad enough that my leg will frequently give out if I push myself.

Sitting? Well, less painful than some things, but it also hurts if I'm not twisted into a weird position that makes my other muscles hurt if I sit for too long.

Lungs are fucked from Covid. Getting better. But still fucky. So breathing is hard too.

Vertigo is more or less known enough I don't have to explain that one, but... Even scrolling too fast on a screen triggers that sometimes.

I'm just. So. Tired... So tired. I want to be healthy.

Doctors and unemployment are all encouraging me to try for disability and work toward that so I have some kind of stable income and something to live off of while I try to get my health together. But... well. Anyone ON disability can tell you how much of a hurtle that is to get. Let alone keep it.

Still...

I want to. I'm going to try. But as it is... I have no income at all. I've got nothing to keep me together. Nothing to float with. I've got my Etsy, and I'm hopeful I'll be able to do a little more with that, but not having income makes it hard to get supplies to make things... but I'll do what I can.

The pandemic really made a lot of this so much harder because everything shut down and I couldn't get the help I needed for a while... though part of it was my own fault because I tried to power through for so long. I didn't think I deserved help. I tried so hard to climb out of one health hole, only to tumble right into another, and this one I can't really do anything about...

So that's where I'm standing for now.

It sucks... but I guess I'll try my best for now. Gotta find a way to pay bills and keep things going.

The biggest Suck about all this is, in order to apply for disability, I have to stop unemployment. Which I have to do anyway. if I *can't* work, unemployment doesn't want to help me anymore. All they care about is getting me employed again.

But if I go off unemployment and stop searching for work (mostly remote, it's all I can do that doesn't involve movement. spine problems and all) then I have *no* income to pay for basic insurance, medical bills, and basic life bills.

So. Hopefully I can build a decent buffer this month through Etsy and maybe I'll have some sort of luck with disability...

At least the doctors are on my side and willing to help and get me whatever letters I need. Here's hoping that's enough.