#The only thing that saved me from myself last time
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౨ৎ to my beloved ── p. jongseong ⟢ teaser
SYNOPSIS . . . Moon Yn daughter of a notorious Duke who is said to be one of the Emperor's most loyal aides is married off to Archduke Park Jay. Their marriage soon became the talk of the country. Everyone adored the joining of Yn, daughter of Duke Moon and the Emperor's eldest son Jay. Two people the Emperor cherished very deeply. Unaware of Duke Moon's true intentions, he desired the throne the Emperor sat on. Using his own daughter as a means of infiltration he marries her off to Jay. Yn being shackled down to her father listened to everything he told her to do. Eventually when the day came for the overthrowing of the Emperor's throne Yn dies before ever knowing who truly won in the end.
OR
IN WHICH . . . Yn is sent back in time to before she married Jay, before her father started preparations to overthrow the Emperor, before everything was lost. Finally having a second chance to save the people most dear to her. Yn won't let her father control her as he pleases this time. For Yn will make her own decisions despite the unforeseeable future. With this second chance she'll marry Jay with the intentions of helping him without the control of her father. ⌇WORD COUNT . . . 382 ⌇
.ᐟ PAIRING . . . archduke!jay x archduchess fem!reader
.ᐟ GENRES . . . oneshot histrorical au, time travel trope, enemies to lovers (if you squint your eyes hard enough), magic/magical beings are a thing, contract marriage, she fell first he fell harder, angst, yn was a villainess in her past life (???)
.ᐟ WARNINGS . . . yn unalives herself (in the beginning), family abuse (all from the father), heavy descriptions of certain topics, detailed scenes with physical touch
.ᐟ STARRING . . . enhypen (all members) ive (liz) nct (chenle + mark) aespa (giselle) + possible mentions of other idols
•
꒰ evie's note : so i cooked up this snippet an hour or so ago. posting this fic teaser to test the waters in a way cause i only have a smau being posted at the moment. i've also been itching to write write something and it's been a hot minute since i've gotten my creative brain juices flowing as well. back into reading manhwas again so if this reminds you of any of those, yes. and yes it's about jay again IM SORRY i miss my pookie bear angel can yall blame me :( also if i finish this within a timely manner i wanna have it out before the end of next week tbh. really hoping i'm able to do this fic justice for yall. but alas enjoy the tiny bit of what my brain cooked up. ꒱
taglist ( open! send a ask/comment to be added ) . . . @shinkenprincess-oh @jiryunn
perm. taglist ( open! send a ask/comment to be added ) . . . @ikeulove @leehsngs @nickiminajleftasscheek
YN POV .
My eyes blink open to see the view of an all too familiar ceiling above myself. It was the same cream colored ceiling that belonged in my bedroom in the manor at the Moon duchy. Slowly sitting up my eyes scanned my surroundings. It was exactly as I had remembered the room, the sitting area for when guests were over. The windowsill where I had often read books to pass time through the day. The tall walls decorated with intricate designs only a Duke could afford for a singular room. Thing was the last time I had been in this room was before I left for the Park duchy. When I left to get married to Duke Jay. My mind was a mess of memories as it all dawned on me.
I remembered the blazing fire as I ran through the trees in the forest next to the Park duchy. I could recall the stinging pain as the branches scratched and tore at the skin of my arms. Then the feeling of my legs numbing as I sprinted in the heavy dress that was tailored for a archduchess to wear. My head ached as everything came back to me. Remembering the sound of the knights corning me in the forest, shouting how I needed to go with them. Jay wanted me alive, but I knew it was all a lie. My father had started a coup d’état, he always craved for the higher power in the aristocracy. Being granted a duke title while not being related to the royal family simply wasn’t enough for him. So he sought out higher power, the throne of the Emperor. Jay was one of the Emperor’s sons, there was a feeling in me. Jay wouldn’t stand for his wife being the daughter of the man who wanted to take his father’s throne as well as his life. If the knights captured me to take me to Jay he for sure would have killed me with his own hands. With no other choice I took my life. In hopes that there would be one last thing I had control over before I died. It was laughable at how in the end I only had control over how I got to die and who got to kill me.
©myjjongie 2025
#myjjongie#evie's writings ੭⭑.ᐟ#enhypen#enhypen writers#enha x reader#enhypen jay x reader#enhypen x reader#enhypen fanfics#enhypen fanfiction#enhypen au#enhypen jay#jay enhypen#kpop fanfic#enha#enha jay#enha jay x reader#enhypen ff#enhypen jay fanfic#enhypen jay ff#enhypen oneshots#enha oneshot#enhypen oneshot#enhypen jay oneshot#enha jay oneshot
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he’s the only one i could call
“fuck.” i groaned, leaning my head back against the headrest.
i lightly slammed my hands down on the steering wheel and lowered my music.
my car had broken down a few cities over from my own.
i picked up my phone to check the time.
3am… of course it is. nobody i know is gonna be up right now to save me.
“this is what i get for neglecting the check battery light” i think to myself. my car stalled a few more pathetic attempts to start as i realized i didn’t have the money for a tow service right now either.
i glanced around and picked up my phone to check maps. maybe there’s a 24 hour diner, or somewhere i can stay till it’s a reasonable hour.
nothing. i wanna throw my phone after i check how far i actually am from my apartment.
as i try one last attempt to move around the map and find a savior my heart drops to my stomach, and leaps back into my throat once i realize just exactly where i am.
two neighborhoods over is his house.
i giggle to myself as an idea flashes in my mind.
before i continue i’ll give context.
the whole reason i’m even cities over from my own was because i took a drive to clear my head. to try and forget him.
i had been trying everything i could but he was always gnawing at my brain. always. and i had been trying to control my obsessive tendencies after our fall out.
i had been doing good but, stuck in a neighborhood so close to his house made my body ache.
my fingertips tingled in anticipation as they hovered over my phone screen.
i wondered if he was even awake. he never really had a great sleep schedule. i checked the time again… 3:05.. i hope he’s not with her.
i nibbled at the inside of my cheek before i threw all reason out the window…
it rang a few times before a familiar, sleepy voice, answered
“[name]?”
my breath caught in my throat before i answered
“hey… hey i’m sorry i know it’s late- were you sleeping?”
“yeah but it’s fine.. are you okay? why are you calling?”
i smiled to myself. he still cares.
“i’m fine! i’m okay! swear. it’s just my car broke down really close to you. everyone i know is asleep…”
i trailed off. i probably sounded so desperate. it dripped off of me.
“[name].. i’m with my girlfriend.. cant- cant you call a tow service?”
i bit the inside of my cheek again. hard. i don’t care about his girlfriend. i’ll kill her.
i shook my head and nervously played with a loose thread at the end of my dress
“i.. uh.. dont have that kind of money right now.”
i sound genuinely pathetic
“i see… uh.. okay um i can come help you. just send me your location… and [name]?”
“hm?”
i practically whined at the idea of him coming to rescue me
“i’m just going to jump start your car and leave okay? please don’t make this a.. a thing”
that stung. i swallowed hard and nodded like he could see me
“yeah. it- it wont be.”
my phone beeped indicating he ended the call. i squirmed in my seat as i sent him a pin of my location.
make it a thing? what the fuck?
i wanted to rip out his throat.
shifting uncomfortably i waited outside in the cold. i leaned up against the drivers side window, shivering and pathetic.
when his cars headlights pulled onto the street i was on i felt my heartbeat quicken and my body tingle.
i was starving.
“hey..”
he said, walking up to my car with cables in his hand
“hi…i’m sorry again about this.”
i smiled softly at him. he always liked when i smiled at him that way… i hoped he felt something. anything.
he smiled back and i swear i could see his eyes linger over my body for a little too long
i felt like pouncing on him like a predator catching its prey.
“no worries. i told my girlfriend i’d be quick so, lets do this”
i felt rage flicker in my gut. stop fucking talking about her.
“right..”
i clearly sounded upset but i didn’t care.
my bones ached as i watched him attempt to jump start my car. he looked as gorgeous as ever.
it started pretty much instantly and i panicked. he couldn’t leave yet. no, no, no, not yet.
“w-wait!”
i practically yelled at him
he stopped abruptly, clearly taken aback by my sudden outburst
“what?!”
he was visibly concerned. never mad. he never really could get mad at me.
i felt tears well up in my eyes
“don’t leave…please.. i’m-i’m sorry. it’s been so long since i've seen you. i had to see you. i can’t stop thinking about you. please please don’t go…”
i felt so many emotions bubble inside of me, i felt like i was going to burst
he stared at me for a long time… then.. he smiled.
“cute.”
i swallowed and looked down at my feet
“stop. i’m sorry. that was really stupid.”
i didn’t look up but i heard him take a step towards me
“[name]….”
i looked up. he was right in front of me, closer to me than he had been in months.
i clenched my jaw. i could smell his cologne and my knees nearly buckled.
“stop it!”
i stepped back. i wanted him so bad but i knew it was wrong. i wanted to kill his girlfriend and rip out his throat, but i was trying so hard to be better. i was really trying
he let out a soft laugh and reached for my hand
“i guess i’m the one making it a thing…”
he held my hand in his so gently i felt myself melt.
“no. we can’t…”
i sounded small, pathetic, desperate. i clearly didn’t mean a word.
“hmm”
he hummed gently, moving his hand up to brush some loose hair behind my shoulder and trace my neck
“why not?”
i didn’t answer, i just held his gaze. it was so intense i nearly looked away.
i knew i could eventually get him where i wanted him…but.. i didn’t think it'd be this easy.
i shivered at his touch and something flickered in his eyes
“you look as beautiful as ever. i like this dress on you..”
he sounded starving now.
“it’s new”
i squeaked.
“mm very pretty, doll”
i let a whimper escape my lips at the nickname and he grinned
“come here.. let me warm you. it’s so cold out here…”
i stepped closer to him without a second thought. anything he wanted i would do it. anything at all.
he wrapped his arms around me and i couldn’t contain myself anymore.
i tangled my fingers into his hair and pressed my body against his, whimpering in the process.
i needed him bad. primal. animalistic
his hands roamed my body, grabbing and groping every part of me.
my breathing quickened as i melted into his touch.
“please..please”
was all i could manage to moan out.
he was barely touching me but i felt my pussy throb and dampen at every grab and tug from his hands
“you’re so pathetic. it’s adorable”
he cooed into my ear before nibbling it a little
we were still outside leaning against my car, his hand travelling up my dress and teasing the waist band of my panties
“[name]… please..”
i couldn’t control myself around him. he was so warm. so sweet. so perfect.
all of a sudden he pulled away tugging my body towards his car. fast.
i barely had time to register what was going on before i was in the backseat and he was looming over me.
i could see glimpses of him in the moonlight. he looked so disgustingly perverted and hungry for me. i fucking loved it.
“you’re such a fucking tease in this little dress. begging me to come save you, to rescue your pathetic ass…”
he said in breathy whispers as he groped my tits and pinched my nipples through the fabric of my dress
i moaned loudly and squirmed underneath him, feeling his hard cock pressed against my thigh
“i can’t believe you [name]. i can’t believe what you do to me”
he quickly slipped the dress off of me and his mouth was on my naked body in an instant. digging his nails into my waist and leaving sloppy, uncoordinated kisses, over my chest and stomach
“mmm… fuck… [name]… please just use me however you want”
i whimpered pathetically each time he moved his mouth or hands
“oh i will.”
i could barely stay conscious between his hands wrapped around my throat and him rubbing his thick cock against the fabric of my panties
it all felt so good i nearly came just from that alone
he ripped my panties off and shoved his cock into my dripping pussy with one swift motion, i saw stars
i coughed and sputtered from the pressure on my neck as he rammed into my cunt
“oh my god.. fuck.. [name] you feel incredible”
he released his grip on my neck to move a hand down to my aching pussy
he gently rubbed my clit as he pumped in and out of me and i could’ve sworn i saw god.
i whined like a pathetic dog as he violated me in ways i had never experienced from him before.
i knew our past sex was good but holy shit
“[name].. i’m sorry. i’m so sorry”
he apologized profusely as he struck me across the face and rammed into me harder
“you’re just so pathetic, i can’t help myself…”
all i could get out was pathetic whines as i looked up at him with desperation.
i wanted more. i wanted everything he could give me. whatever he wanted to do i would take it and i would love it.
“fuck. fuck. fuck. [name] you’re so tight”
he groaned loudly as he rubbed my clit faster
i clenched around his cock as i felt him release a huge load of hot cum inside my womb
i came at the same time, my pussy spasming on his cock as we both let out animalistic groans and pants, clinging to each other like this would be the last time
it was never the last time.
“oh my god..”
was all he could manage into my ear as he collapsed on top of me
i could feel our heartbeats colliding into one, pounding against both of our chests
i laid there staring up at interior of his car, catching my breath
i had asked him to come rescue me in hopes that maybe he’d feel something for me when he saw me
i asked him to save me because i needed to see him
come to find out…. he felt the exact same way
i smiled to myself as he played with my hair, still laying on top of me and softly breathing into my neck
we hadn’t spoken a word to each other yet but, i knew.
i knew he felt the same way i did
all this time i thought he had moved on
but we were just as desperate and perverted for each other as we had been back then
i really need to kill his stupid girlfriend. then he’ll be mine forever.
so much for ��getting better”
i never will as long as he’s breathing. i never wanted to in the first place.
“i love you [name]”
he sighed softly, placing a gentle kiss on my neck
“i love you too”
i will never let my darling go… ever. again.
#yanblr#obsessive thoughts#yandere girl#obsessive yandere#obsessive love disorder#bpd yandere#yandere thoughts#yandere blog#irl yandere#yandere scenarios#yandere x reader#yandere ex#yan4yan#yandere smut#yancore#irl yan#obslove#yan blog
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Oh so sweet
Summary: The audacity of some of the people in Asgard. Degrading his pregnant wife. They'll have it coming for them. He'll be coming for them. And you'll be coming too.
Pairing: Soft!Dark!Loki x Pregnant!Wife!Reader
word count: 1.4k+
Warnings: 18+ MDNI, snob degrading reader, rude comments, nipple play, breast milk, public fingering (its better reading it), pregnant reader, choking(f receiving), Loki being mischievous as always, angst, fluff?, SMUT, praise. If i missed anything lmk
A/N: A Wanda reference 😏 Fic did not go the way i wanted. So now i am mad/disappointed at myself. I edited this like 15 times. Tumblr didn't wanna save it. I'm tired too.
@sofilaufeysonn (not exactly like the last fic but yeah)
The Asgardian people are ruthless. They always seem to say what's on their mind. Especially those high class snobs. Loki could say a few things to them too, but he chooses that it is not worth it. He doesn't care about his reputation. He just knows it's not worth the time. They are snobs after all. At least that's what he thought.
Loki would take you everywhere with him. He does not trust anyone to protect you, but him. Yes, some royal guards may follow you both, but they are for Loki. Prince of Asgard. Everyone knows who you are. Loki's wife. The mother of his unborn child. Loki's property. No one is allowed to touch you. No one is allowed to disrespect you. Only him. Loki made sure of it.
Loki, you, and those idiotic guards that follow walk through the Asgardian Markets. More like waddling for you. The gold rings on both yours and Loki's finger shine in the light as you both walk through the market. A matching gold necklace hangs just above the swell of your breast. The gold jewelry shows ownership of you from Loki. The necklace enchanted with Loki's seiðr. A simple gold chain with the letter 'L'. A snake wrapped around the letter 'L'. Everything about the necklace is gold except for the eyes of the snake. Emerald eyes. The eyes alert Loki if anyone has disrespected you if you somehow wandered off. You always wondered off. Always so carefree with him. You just didn't know he enchanted it.
Once again, like many other times, you have wandered off somehow. He knows that he could easily find you, but you haven't been out in a bit considering the growing child you bear. He wants you to enjoy this time.
You wonder absentmindedly. Finding a book stall, you stop. Looking over all the titles. You pick up a few baby books to flip through them quietly. As you do so a snobby voice pipes up, "You can only touch them if you're going to buy them. Insolent brat."
You look up at where the voice is coming from. An old rich lady with a face of disgust. She doesn't let you speak, "By the norns are you even pregnant? You look like you could be hoarding fifteen pillows under that dress of yours. No pregnant woman looks like that! And those breasts of yours, they have to be fake!"
Tears prick at your eyes as the woman continues her degrading. Then you feel Loki standing behind you. He speaks lowly to the woman, "Is there a problem?"
Eyes glare at you as the woman speaks to Loki, "This insolent brat-"
Loki interrupts her with a laugh, "Insolent brat you say?" Loki looks down at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "My dear wife is being an insolent brat? How so?"
She can't even answer. The woman's mouth hangs agape. Staring at you and Loki. Loki glances at the woman, "My dear wife is never a brat. Maybe insolent, but never a brat. In fact. She's very obedient. So obedient, she let me fuck her raw to get her pregnant."
It's like everyone in the market knew to get away from the scene. No one in sight. Only the three of you and the guards off to the sides, watching with stale expressions. Loki doesn't even have to look around to know that no one is around. He just glares at the woman who decided to degrade his wife, "You should close your mouth. At the moment you are the one acting insolent. Disrespecting the prince and his wife. Pregnant wife." The woman closes her mouth as fast as possible then bowing her head to Loki and you. Oh what a dumb woman.
The feeling of Loki's arms wrapping around your waist and placing his large hands on your very pregnant stomach comforts you. The tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks were gone in an instant. Loki coos at you, kissing your head softly, as he rubs your stomach. Stutters and stumbles come out of the woman's mouth, within a flash her mouth disappears instantly. Loki. A chuckle sounds deep from Loki's chest. It vibrates your whole body, making you whimper.
Since getting pregnant your damned body has gotten way more sensitive. It doesn't help that Loki is now cupping your breast in his large hands. Rolling your nipples between his fingers through your dress. He insisted that you didn't wear a bra. He loved the way your nipples were always so hard. Always leaking with that delicious sweet milk you'd produce. He loved when your sweet milk seeped through all of your dresses. Like right now. Such a pretty sight. Standing in the Asgardian sun looking like a damn painting.
The woman watches in disbelief as she watches Loki toy with your hard leaking nipples, "Do you believe my wife is pregnant now? Hm!?"
The woman just stares at the tall god.
Loki hums disapprovingly, once again making you whimper with the sensation on your back, "Oh darling~ I don't think this woman believes us. Cats got her tongue."
Loki moves his hands off your breast, making you whimper. He coos at your noises of desperation. In a blink of an eye your dress is pulled up. It sets nicely on top of your round stomach. You swear the snob was going to faint as she saw that you weren't wearing panties under your dress. You instinctively widen your legs for Loki, like many times before.
"So obedient. Such an amazing wife for your God," Loki wraps his ringed hand around your neck. Not enough to hurt you, but enough were you feel drunk off of the pleasure. His other hand drifting over your stomach, between your parted legs. His pointer finger drags over your spread cunt. Slit to clit. Wet as always. He brings the finger to his mouth. Sucking it dry of your juices. He lets out a loud moan. The taste of your milk mixed with your cunt on his finger is amazing, "Oh so sweet."
You lean further into him as you both stand. Loki moves his finger back to your clit. Rubbing in tight circles. You let out soft moans. Music to his ears. He'd listen to you all day. Fuck, when did he get hard?
The woman face pales as she watches the two of you. The way Loki's ring glints in the sun as he chokes you. The way he touches your clit so perfectly. The way your head falls back onto his shoulder. His grip on your neck never loosening even as you move. The way you roll your hips into Loki's hand and the way it makes your round stomach look. Your dress soaked from your breast milk. The necklace that hangs near the swell of your breast. Moving as you moan and whimper.
Loki can tell you're close to cumming. He shoves his two middle fingers into your cunt. The fingers hit that sweet spot as the palm of his hand rubs against your clit. That familiar coil starts to get tighter and tighter.
Then it snaps.
Your moans vibrate the hand on your neck. You moan so loudly. Even if this part of the market is clear there is no doubt people could hear you across the market. Your cunt clenches so tight on his fingers. He continues to finger you through your orgasm. Nipples leaking even more. Stomach tensing a bit.
Definitely pregnant. The woman faints. Hitting the stone and dirt of the market. Loki chuckles. He pulls his fingers out of your wet cunt. Making you whimper. You're so sensitive. Loki motions for the guards near by to pick the woman off the ground, "Put the damn snob in the dungeons."
The woman gets drug off by the guards. Leaving you and Loki alone. Loki spins you around so you're facing him. Your dress still laying on top of your stomach. He places his hands on your stomach bending to kiss it. Little kicks hit his hands. Damn these mischievous twins. He stands upright. He places a kiss on your forehead, nose, then lips. Soft and slow.
Oh so sweet.
#dark!fic#marvel loki#dark!loki#loki laufeyson#loki x reader#loki odinson#mcu loki#loki#marvel fanfiction#fanfiction#fanfic#Soft!loki#dark!loki x reader#dark!fics#~ a goddess ~#sofft!dark!loki#soft!dark!loki x reader#pregnant!reader
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𝙸𝚗𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍
Chapter Three
A Love and Deepspace Fanfiction (Sylus X OC)
Warnings -> Side character death, implications of addiction
<- Chapter Two
An original fan-fiction for Love and Deepspace. I appreciate reblogs but reposting to Tumblr or any other site is not okay with me.
When it rains, it pours.
And it's fucking pouring.
“Sorry!” I exclaim to the poor group of kids that are forced to jump apart in order to avoid being run over by me.
The sky, dark as it may be for the late morning hours, is clear, not a drop of rain in sight. The tragedy I witnessed last night kept me tossing and turning, had my nerves shot to a point of being unable to relax. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw the man, Anthony, dying before me. Felt his blood coating my skin. Saw a pair of gemstone red eyes that exposed me right down to my soul.
At some point, I did manage to fall asleep. What I woke up to wasn’t my alarm, but my brothers making a mess of the kitchen. It didn’t take long for the realization that I had slept in to cut me like a dagger. The realization that I was late for work stabbed through me like an ancient sword.
I almost forgot to take my medication on my rush out the door, and forgetting that would have been the cherry on top of this disaster cupcake.
My calves are burning, lungs threatening to give out, but I push myself around the last corner and down another quarter block until I reach Tomes. It blends in with the rest of the modern day architecture, much so that it doesn’t even look like a bookstore, but it’s precious to me regardless. Tomes has been my first and only job, the place that’s filled with the material thing I love most and kind enough to help me keep my brothers and I housed and fed. Maybe not very well, but it’s saved us from being out on the street.
I almost fall on my ass in front of the glass door lined with bars to keep thieves out, partly because of how abruptly I halted, and partly because of the large ‘Permanently Closed’ sign hanging on the door.
“What?” I whisper through my fight for breath, the shock of the sign making it even more difficult to calm my racing heart.
No matter how many times I read it, the letters don't rearrange themselves. My mind doesn't spot a trick my eyes are playing on me.
Chest heaving, I stumble to the door and pull on the vertical handle. It's not locked, so I let myself in. Everything looks just as it did last night, no sign of books being stored away or shelves being moved out. The register hasn't even been opened yet, the till missing and likely still locked up in the safe. The store is dead quiet, and no matter how hard I strain my ears, I can't hear any movement on the first floor. Above me, however, I hear footsteps.
"Russell?" I call, slowly making my way towards the staircase at the back of the store. I've never been to the second floor, because old man Russell lives up there. He did share the space with his wife, Edith, but that was up until she passed away three years ago.
I listen as the footsteps move across the ceiling, hold my breath as they slowly make their way down the stairs. The person who appears isn't elderly, or a man at all.
"Evie?" The woman breathes, one hand resting on her largely round stomach, her eyes red and raw.
"Charlotte."
She's Russell's daughter, his pride and joy. He keeps a photo album behind the counter, and whenever there was free time, he would sit on a stool and flip through it. He's shared with me story after story of the photos, so even though Charlotte and I weren't very close in school before I dropped out, I feel as though I know her like a best friend.
"How are you? How's the baby?" I ask, trying to remain polite despite the questions racing through my mind.
Her laugh is strained as she draws a circle on her bump. "He's healthy. A big mover." She carefully makes her way down the rest of the stairs, and after reaching the bottom, leans against the banister. "I'm sorry, I didn't know how to contact you. I'm still going through dad's stuff."
I swallow the lump in my throat. "He... He's not...?"
Charlotte flashes a sad smile and nods, fresh tears brimming in her eyes. "Yeah. He didn't call me this morning, so I came to check on him. It'll take a while for the autopsy, but he didn't have any physical wounds."
Closing my eyes, I suck in a deep breath and struggle to keep my voice from cracking. It does anyway. "I'm so sorry."
"Me too." She looks down and rubs her belly again. "He was so excited to meet the little one. He never said it, but when he found out I was expecting, I think he was having regrets about waiting so late to have kids."
In, out. In, out. Mentally, I'm focused on my breathing. Whatever comes out of my mouth is pure instinct. "I can't say for sure, but I do know that he loves you. Russell would never regret that."
Charlotte laughs a little and looks up at me again. "You haven't changed. You're still a beam of sunshine, aren't you?" The lightness in her expression falls bleak once more. "Um, listen, about the shop-"
It's my turn to sport a sad smile. "I saw the sign."
"I'm sorry, Evie, but the money I'd get from selling this place is more beneficial to me than to keep it."
"You don't have to explain. You have a family to look after. I get it." I nod towards the counter. "Russell keeps a phone book under the counter, my number's in there. If you ever need a friend, feel free to reach out."
My mind feels like its in a daze as we say our goodbyes. I don't even remember how we said farewell or leaving the shop, but the crisp air zaps me back the second I'm standing outside.
Russell's dead, a man who did more for me than my own father has, a man who hired a desperate young girl even though he really didn't have the budget for it back then. The memories of my time here start coming back to me, the busy days were he, Edith and I rushed around to get the orders stocked on the shelves, the quiet days where he'd place a record in the record player and waltz around the store with his wife. Every holiday, including my birthday, he'd let me pick a book from the store to take home and keep, claiming that my preferred reading material was just collecting dust and deserved a home.
I think he kept ordering romance novels for my sake, given that most of our customers came in for non-fiction.
The size of the sob stuck in my chest feels like I just swallowed a boulder, and no longer trusting myself to stay put together, I lean against the wall of Tomes and slide to the ground. I brace my elbows against the stops of my knees and push the heels of my hands onto my eyes until I see white.
The man I loved like a grandfather is gone, and although I want to do nothing but grieve, another thought blasts through it.
I'm jobless.
It feels selfish to think about it, but it's reality. I'm the breadwinner of the family, Drew and Mateo's shenanigans too unreliable to keep us afloat. If I don't work, my family is screwed.
"Come on, Evie." I whisper to myself, dropping my hands from my eyes. "You're a hard worker. You can find something."
Naturally, I went ignored by everyone who passed by. I'm probably the only freak in the N109 Zone who would stop to check in on someone who looks distressed. Or so I think.
"Evie?"
Looking up, I catch sight of a regular customer of Tomes. He's looking down at me with his eyebrows furrowed, curly strawberry blond hair falling in front of his forehead.
"Hi, Landon." I greet him while pushing to my feet and dusting myself off. "Did you come to purchase more books for your boss? Sorry, but the shop's closed. Russell passed away."
Landon sucks in air through his teeth. "Shit. Another good man gone, huh?"
"A great man." I fold my arms over myself.
I'm not sure exactly how old Landon is, but he can't be too much older than me. He's only got a few inches on me, but his boisterous energy makes him feel bigger than he is. He drops by the store weekly to pick up special order books on his boss' behalf, more rather, his boss' wife. I don't pry into our customer's personal lives, but Landon is a bit of an over-sharer, so I know his boss is in the jewelry business and that his boss' wife craves knowledge on all things.
"How are you taking the news?" He asks, the concern in his pale blue eyes genuine.
I shrug one shoulder. "I'm not sure. I just found out. It feels real but doesn't at the same time, you know? It probably won't sink in fully until I go job hunting."
Landon nods. "I get that. Well, it'll suck not to see you every week. I'm a man of routine." He tilts his head as if thinking. "I'm sure a girl like you will find work easily, but there is a small gig that can hold you over until then."
That has my ears perking up. "What kind of gig?"
He lifts a hand and scratches the back of his neck, letting out a small sigh. "To tell you the truth, my boss' wife has been battling an illness lately. The doctor ordered her to stay in bed, so she can't attend an upcoming gemstone auction with the boss man. It'd be a hit to his social status to show up to a big event like that alone."
My heart sinks into my stomach. "So, you're asking me to...?"
"It'd be one night, and the boss pays well." Landon laughs a little. "To tell you another truth, the reason I came today was to ask if you'd be interested. Boss asked me to try and find him a plus one, and you're not violent, so I wanted to ask you first. You'd just be keeping him company at the auction, nothing more."
My teeth sink into the inside of my cheek. I'm not in a position to be turning down a paying job, and Landon's boss is doing more than well financially-
White hair, crimson eyes, and a stone cold expression flash in my mind. My heart leaps and starts hammering against my ribs.
My mouth suddenly feels dry, and I swallow just for the sake of moving my throat muscles. "I'm flattered that you thought of me, but I just got out something hectic. I don't think I'd be very comfortable taking this job."
Landon looks disappointed, but he nods anyway. "That's fair." Still, he reaches into his pocket and hands me a business card. "Take this anyway, just in case you change your mind. Or get desperate enough."
I almost turn him down again, but the words vanish from the tip of my tongue at ‘desperate.’ Even if it’s the last thing I want to do, refusing an opportunity to keep food in my brothers’ stomachs would be silly.
Forcing a small smile, I take the card and tuck it into the pocket of Simon’s old jacket. He grew out of it a few years ago, but luckily it fits me enough to use until I can afford to replace the one I lost. “Thank you.”
Landon grins. “Of course. All the best to you, Evie.”
He gives me a playful salute before turning around and walking down the street. The card weighs nothing yet feels like bricks in my pocket, a harsh reminder of the hole I’m falling into.
I just hope I can find something to grasp onto before I hit the bottom.
When we had to find a new place to live after Dad bailed and left his children with rent they couldn't afford, there weren't many conditions our new living space had to meet. As long as Drew, Mateo and I could cover it with our pathetic paychecks, it would do. It was pure luck that this shabby apartment building we chose happened to be relatively quiet.
That's not the case now. I could hear the raging voices the second I hit the fourth flight of stairs, could practically feel the walls shake with the noise by the time I reached the fifth. Naturally, this sets me on high alert, and I lighten my footsteps as to not make the floorboards squeak as I move down the hall to my unit.
The voices only get louder.
They're coming from my unit.
My foot freezes an inch above the floor, talons made of ice sink into my chest cavity and shred it, making way for my pounding heart to drum loudly in my ears. It only lasts a second before I'm sprinting the remainder of the short distance and throw open the front door. The knob crashes against the wall with a loud bang, startling the four men inside so badly they jump and whip towards me.
I scan the room. The kitchen looks undisturbed, with the exception of dishes in the sink one or more of my brothers neglected to take care of. The living room isn't trashed, but the poor coffee table has suffered a beating. It's been flipped over, one of the legs snapped at an angle that would be extremely painful if it were human. Standing on either side of the abused furniture is my brothers, older twins on one side and younger twins on the other.
"What the hell is going on?" I ask, eyes shifting from my older brothers to younger and back again.
The boys roughhouse on a regular occasion, but the looks on their faces don't look playful, nor does the way they're standing. Drew is almost chest to chest with Mateo as if using his body as a block, while Simon has his arms wrapped around Troy's waist as if trying to hold him back. The two more hot-headed of the pairs have resumed their glaring contest.
"Evie, you're home early." Drew says, pushing Mateo until he sits on the couch behind him.
"Yeah, I'll explain later." I glance back and forth between the lot of them again. "Someone fill me in, please."
Troy tilts his head and grins in a way that's on the edge of sadistic. "Tell her, guys. Tell her what you've been running around doing every night and spending the family's money on."
My adrenaline was just beginning to climb down, but it spikes right back up. "You know?"
"We just found out." Simon replies, letting his brother go. It seems Troy is no longer interested in physical fighting. "You two tell her right now, or we will."
It's Mateo's turn to smirk. "Ass kissers."
Troy makes to lunge, but Simon catches him again.
"Enough!" I hold a hand up towards Troy, and turn my attention to the older two. "Out with it."
Drew sighs and drops into the empty space next to his twin. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees while running a hand over the top of his head. "We've been working at a club. Mateo's a bouncer and I bartend."
I give his confession a minute to sink in, and after that minute, I'm more confused than anything else. Bouncing and bartending aren't jobs to be ashamed of - they can pull in quite the extra cash in the form of tips, at least for bartending. It doesn't explain why they take more money from the account instead of adding to it more often than they do, but it answers one big question.
They haven't gotten involved in anything gang related, and knowing this now takes a massive weight off my shoulders.
I nod at them. "Thank you for telling me, but why did you feel the need to hide it in the first place? It's not something I'd judge you two for, you know that."
I can feel Simon and Troy growing impatient behind me, but I ignore them for now. I almost consider sending them out of the room, not wanting them to ruin things now that our older brothers have finally started to crack, but I don't. This is a family matter, and they're not children anymore. I don't want them to feel as though I still see them as little kids.
Mateo leans back, crosses his arms over his chest, and crosses his leg so ankle is resting on his knee. "Because we've been paying the dancers for private sessions."
I give his confession a minute to sink in, and after that minute, I'm... "I'm sorry, what?"
Drew sighs and starts to stand. "Evie-"
"You're paying dancers for attention? With the money you make every night plus the funds that are supposed to take care of us?" With every second that goes by, disbelief bleeds into anger. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
"If you're going to tell the truth, tell the whole truth." Troy snaps. He shakes out of Simon's hold and moves to stand next to me. "You know how we found out? They brought them here."
I'd rather be punched in the chest so hard I'm left winded than let that be true. "Don't tell me you're paying them for...?"
Drew, who decided to sit back down, hangs his head. Mateo has his face turned to the side, but even then, I can see him fighting to pretend that he doesn't care. Even as kids, the corners of his mouth would twitch when he tried to keep a careless expression.
I feel like I can't breathe, and yet, I can't stop words from coming out and using the precious air I'm struggling to keep in my lungs. "Are you two addicted? Because that's the only thing that would explain your lack of self control. For months I've been busting my ass to keep bills paid for, pulled my hair our trying to budget food and other necessities, trusting that whatever the two of you were up to would pay off in the end, and this is what you've been doing?"
Mateo snaps his head towards me and glares. "Not all of us are perfect little angels, Evie. Books aren't stress relief for everyone."
"Watch it." Simon hisses, appearing on my other side. "She's the reason we haven't starved and still have a roof over our head."
Mateo closes his mouth and turns away again.
I'm not done, not through with laying into them. "You know we're struggling to stay afloat, and not only are you blowing your entire paychecks on dancers, plus digging into the family funds to cover it, but you're also sneaking them in here? You're bringing strangers into our home? In the N109 Zone?"
For a long time, they say nothing. When they do, it's Drew who breaks the silence. "We're sorry, Evie."
Inhaling sharply, I ran my hands over my face. when I finally drop them, I clap my hands together and put on a sunny smile. "You two can start apologizing by getting your act together, because Russell's dead, which means I'm out of a job. I'm pulling the two of you off the account. Whatever we have left has to last until I find a new one."
I turn and storm towards my closet bedroom. The boys resume their bickering, but the migraine settling in my temples doesn't leave me much room to place peacekeeper. As soon as I lock myself inside, I make good on my word and change the password to the family's bank account. I'll slip the new password to Simon and Troy later, but until Drew and Mateo can be trusted, I can't risk them draining the measly three-hundred dollars left in the account.
The calendar app on my phone catches my eye as I close out of the online banking, and my heart sinks. Bills are due in a few days, and that is going to destroy the little savings we have.
"Fuck!" I screech, tossing my phone onto the mattress.
Pulling my knees up, I bury my head between them. The position pulls on my neck and makes my migraine worse, so I lay on my back instead. I didn't turn the light on, not wanting to aggravate my eyes further, but even in the darkness, I can see the outline of my dragon suncatcher hanging above me.
The corners of my eyes burn with tears, and in the shadows I whisper to it. "I don't know what to do."
Of course, it doesn't answer. I close my eyes and take in another deep breath, shove my hands into the pockets of Simon's jacket as I soak up the warmth it provides. I have every intention of taking a nap, numbing out the storm brewing inside of me, but my fingers brush against something that has my eyes snapping open again.
Pulling the small card out, I sit up and, despite the way it'll make my eyes sting, reach up to turn on the light.
"Take this anyway, just in case you change your mind. Or get desperate enough."
I don't want to. I really, really don't want to. Being an arm accessory to a complete stranger sounds like a nightmare, a great way to die and leave my brothers to fend for themselves.
But if I don't do this, we'll slowly die anyway.
Shoving every single emotion into the deepest parts of me where I can't feel them, I dial the number listed on the card. A male voice answers after the second ring.
"Landon? Hi, it's Evie." I look up at the red glass dragon and silently ask it to lend me its strength. "I've changed my mind."
Masterlist
Chapter Four ->
Tag List:
@xxfaithlynxx @angelafinstone
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Under a read more since this is kind of a story lol
Forcefully took up sewing since I urgently had to mend a DEAR treasure (2 of them) after an accident. It happened so soon after New Years I was thinking "what a terrible way to start this year!... uuuuuuu....uuuu...." and I tossed and turned all night. Cried. I furrowed my brow and thought about rolling over and just taking the loss. But impulsively I steeled myself and thought Hell No! I was experiencing despair and waded my way through it but I wouldn't let it become loss.
I resolved to go to the only fabric store I knew of to find replacement fabric and matching thread the next day. The train ride was nice. I felt so purposeful lol. A very rare occurrence in my life. I watched maybe 30 seconds of a video telling me how to sew and went WHATEVER! and went at it on some tests for 2 hours. Don't advise that but I was stressed haha. The tests weren't that good but they were good enough. I got the hang of things.
Took me about 2 nights to finish mending the first item. The fabric matched really well in color and texture so the fact my sewing was shoddy didn't show as much as I thought it would. I was satisfied. The next item.... took 4..... all nighters... it doesn't sound like much writing it down but I experienced so much frustration. Probably more frustration than I've felt in 3 years since I haven't picked up any new skills or hobbies in that time. I was just an observer before. It was so grueling.
But I surprised myself! The reason it was grueling was because I kept aiming for something better. I redid sections so many times and approached it from 4-5 different angles even if it undid hours on hours of work. The patching fabric for the second item didn't match as well (totally different material, texture, and thickness) and ended up being more decorative. I encountered new problems I didn't previously account for. I had to worm my way around a lot! And it was not fun. But my will was something that strangely surprised me. I would finish a section, look at it, and go "I won't settle for that" then restart. Id go up halfway, realize I was doing something wrong, then restart. I'd realize there was a better way of doing something, restart. I think there were 3 times last night I decided I was done but realized I wanted to redo something and I worked for an additional hour every attempt.
Again It wasn't fun in the moment! But something in the back of my head was so very happy. I knew I would come out of this being proud of what I did. That Will I experienced was honestly something I thought had atrophied outside of art! And with digital art, problems are easy to solve. Undo, copy, paste, save states, etc. I'm not holding a needle with long nails and thread that I can barely see to solve I problem I don't know anything about.
Even if the actual display of skill is fledgling, the mental hurdles I overcame made the end product feel more rewarding. I did everything I could with my level of skill and prep. While doing something middling is better than not doing it at all, I got too used to that and just started aiming for mediocrity. So overcoming that has been so very rewarding. I can't say that enough.
I wondered if this was because I've been watching jojo... nearly all the characters carry themselves with so much purpose and determination, regardless of their role in the story. I can't lie, on the train ride there I was thinking about how certain characters would persevere in situations that devastate them..! I was like.. I should too...!!
It's so funny how an objectively small project became so important to me. I've built a little more respect for myself this year! I think that's a good way to start it off.
I feel really good about myself lately
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It's terrifying to be back at the place you promised yourself you'd never get to again
#vent#tw ed#tw sh#I was so certain i could avoid this#i have more perspective more experience more empathy and more support than ive ever had#but i think if anything thats the problem#The only thing that saved me from myself last time#is something i know i could loose at any moment#and something i know i will loose very soon#and i know nothing can get better if i dont put effort into that change#but its easier to just act like it is okay and continue going#im not a high enough risk for anything to be done about it#partly because i cant function if i dont est#and partly because i know someone would notice if i hurt myself#but its enticing to see how bad i can get before someone notices or cares enough to do something
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Incorrect quotes generator shenanigans featuring the OCs @katkastrofa and I fucking SPEDRAN creating over the past two days, part 3, because I realised I had enough screenshotted to make another full post :)
#happy ‘tagging Kat in posts day’ to all who celebrate :)#I swear this is the last bunch I have for now I just have to keep my mind occupied at all times or The Horrors will get me#I tried to draw but I can’t get too far on only facial descriptions#I need hair and clothing refs too and my own imagination is broken#hey. no complaining. it’s almost 9 a.m go the fuck to sleep#anyway#part 3#in which Roheen is both the voice of reason and an awful tease at times#Daneli is painfully oblivious to a lot of things#Shezan needs an intervention#and Phailin is. apparently. a little menace to society#idk where that just came from but it kept popping up so I went with it#girl got piercings where she really shouldn’t have gotten them you think she has any instinct of self preservation?#oh also. if you’re wondering why Qader features so little here it’s because I have no idea what to do with her#we kinda glossed over her actual personality so now she’s just kinds standing there. ominously#eh. I’m sure we’ll figure it out#gotta do something to distract myself from the fact I have to go back There tomorrow#someone save me from this hell. please
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Steve is most likely to end up in a lavender marriage and Tony's most likely to end up in a “married for tax/immigration/inheritance fraud” reasons.
They meet as married men and pine for each other hardcore and are also trying not to read too much into how their interest seems reciprocated and oh nooooo both Immigration/the IRS and the the Church/in-laws/DADT era army dudes or whatever are snooping around at the same time at each of their marriages and they have to be so good at being married at the people they are married to oh noooooo and they other guy doesn’t know why they are suddenly being iced out and maybe they were just imagining things? maybe it’s for the best with all these eyes around on them…
#not to get too real but i love queer people. we see each other and we save each other#i wish i could talk in depth about this lgbtq history panel i went to tonight without doxxing myself#but basically all of these panelists were older gay ppl & one of them won a very monumental court case in the state#and right after introductions one of the other panelists turned to her and thanked her so profusely for the sacrifices she had made#and the work she did to win that case#and that by achieving that win for herself she paved the way for this other panelist to have her own family recognized legally by the state#i don't know i'm not explaining it well but something about knowing and seeing that gratitude in real time. understanding so viscerally tha#so much of our history has happened within one or two lifetimes. to the point that many of the champions of our current rights are alive#today for us to learn from and listen to and THANK#i met two nb ppl through school last year and have since become very close to them#they are the only two ppl on this planet who use my pronouns the way i want them to be used. they switch it up every time and i love them#a little bit more each time i hear them talk about me. it's magical#my childhood best friend told me he liked boys and girls like a month after we first met each other in the fourth grade#he told me there's a word for that; he's bisexual#i think abt how incredible that was a lot. how brave he was to say that and to own that and how long it might have taken me to figure#out that i was the same had he not said it.#anyway all this to say that yes absolutely i love this#steve and tony meet at a military gala. steve's being recognized for his service and tony and his wife were invited by some higher-up who#imagined he could use the event as a way to cozy up to him and earn some good favor before negotiations start on SI's contract renewal#their eyes meet while steve's up on stage. he hates these things. hates being dragged into the spotlight. he feels naked and bare and#vulnerable every time. trapped in enemy territory with no cover. but he sucks it up he kisses his wife on the cheek and she smiles#big and beautiful; perfect like they've run their lines 1000 times over. like they could recite each other's parts by heart#he makes his way to the podium. breathes deep to center himself before he launches into his thankless thank-yous. steve's a terrible liar#but somehow he's made it this far in his career. he can manage for one more night. except#right as he lifts his eyes to speak he sees him. bright eyes burning into his from a shadowed table in the corner. the brass speaking at hi#on his left and a lovely woman who's bored and unimpressed on his right. and him looking directly back at steve#steve's breath catches and he chokes on air. trips on his lines. forgets himself and loses the beat of the scene#he looks down at his notes and ignores them. raises his face to the light and plays himself to be seen by an audience of one.#anon#signed sealed delivered
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screaming shaking crying trembling wailing sobbing throwing up punching the wall in anguish and agony and angst etc etc etc
#Seven.txt#Seven’s Public Diary#cw vent post#kinda?? i guess??#cw dentist#anyways yeah. i have to go to the dentist soon and i wanna throw up just thinking abt it#someone just fucking hit me with a tranq gun and get it over with already oh my god i don’t wanna do thisssssss#but don’t actually do that cause i would deadass revoke someone’s breathing privileges if they ever sedated me without my consent#that’s part of what i’m so afraid of. i don’t know what i’m gonna do if they say i have to be put under general anesthesia for this.#i will literally cry and run out of the building#so here’s hoping that they can just numb it and keep me awake#i need to stay awake for this man it’s the only way i can handle it. i don’t wanna be vulnerable like that.#hhhhhhh last time i was in a dentist chair i was shaking uncontrollably and it’s so embarrassing when my body does that shit#i’m so afraid it’s gonna be like that again cause my fear has gotten so much worse as i’ve put off going#but my father will be there with me so maybe my need to appear strong in front of him will override my body’s need to shake in fear lmao#so i’ve got someone to take me and i’ve thankfully got the money saved to afford it so realistically i shouldn’t be upset#but i am so so afraid and no amount of logic is gonna help me out here. i already know that#i just have to go do it like i have to force myself to do all the other things i’m afraid of#ugh. i can’t tell if i’m nauseous cause of the pain radiating from my jaw bone to my brow bone or if it’s anxiety#or if it’s cause i couldn’t eat last night. or all three. probably all three#i’ve never had any cavities or serious issues with my teeth before in my life so this is so so so new and scary and i hate it#but i want the pain to stop so i gotta get this fixed. and never eat anything with sugar or acid or anything ever again#and brush my teeth one million times a day so this doesn’t happen again#sighs and collapses on the floor. i guess i couldn’t run from the consequences of my mentally ill actions forever#also no for once i didn’t actually punch anything. that was just a figure of speech. and i’m in enough pain as it is rn lmao
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at this point i dont even care if i get kokomi. i just want a 5 star
#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo,ide yo !!#im already at 60 pity#im gonna be disappointed if i get close to hard pity and lose the 50/50#i mean ill be fine if i get tighnari or jean#but ugh#still feels bad getting 5 stars at high pity#and this is on main where my last 5 star was kazuha#the worst thing about this is not getting any yanfei cons#i got a whole load of faruzan cons instead. which i dont need unless i somehow get her c6 before i get a 5 star#worst case scenario,i got a rosaria out of all this so it wasnt a complete waste of primos i guess#as for the alt... i'm burnt out honestly. i don't feel like doing anything on there save for building characters#the endless list of quests i have irks me#i've pretty much given up and just resigned myself to building barbara on there#aside from kokomi,i think i only want yelan and nahida. and MAYBE shenhe. and maybe baizhu#purely for utility#i'll likely never pull for shenhe or baizhu on the alt tho. unless he gets a rerun in early 4.x#shenhe doubtful because she's mainly a cryo buffer and my goal is pyro chongyun#and i'll only pull for yelan if i don't have xingqiu yet by the time her rerun comes around#yeah she provides more damage than qiu. but i only need the hydro app so for my purposes they're exactly the same#and i doubt i can even be bothered to get nahida honestly. she'll be good for my hyperbloom razor team and all but just#ugh. i'm really,truly burnt out on the alt
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The reason people don’t want to work is that it’s just normal for them to be in bad work environments.
My issue with working at Walmart wasn’t the work itself I was doing. It was the circumstances around it. The concrete floor, lack of places to sit, having to put up with asshole customers, not getting time off for injuries, and bad pay.
If I had been given shock pads to stand on or a few chairs to rest on sometimes, if they paid me a livable amount of money and I was allowed to yell back at asshole customers, if they had given me any amount of training, I would happily work part time folding clothes all day and telling people where the swimsuit section is.
I’m a creative type. I’m a writer. I’m pretty smart, even. But if I could make a living folding shirts and listening to podcasts in one ear and helping people find the scented candles for 30 hours a week? I would. Leaves some mental space free for me to brainstorm. Lets me catch up on my reading with audiobooks.
But instead I was treated so badly by upper management and customers that I’m like legitimately a little frightened whenever I step into a Walmart now. And I only worked there for three months a few years ago.
I’m a good lower level worker. When I’m treated well. I like finishing tasks. I like being helpful. I like having some time to talk to coworkers and some time alone with my thoughts. I’m a frickin team player. And that’s how I was at my first job. I was treated well by my supervisor. I was trained. They were patient with me. I was so good at being low on the totem pole at that job because I was valued and felt like I was being listened to. I was able to sit still when there was nothing left to do which made it feel less bad when we were on a time crunch. I didn’t mind working hard at that job because it was fun even though I was doing all the low level stuff that the supervisors didn’t want do.
But at Walmart I was like that for all of two days. Then I figured out that nobody appreciated my work and if I worked in my normal people pleasing manner I’d kill myself because their standards were high and the rewards for meeting them were low.
So I slowed down. I started avoiding customers. I started taking a lot longer to get to my breaks and to come back from them. I became worse at my job because no matter how good I was at it there would be no reward, no appreciation, and I’d just be pushed further beyond my limits.
My only level of happiness from that job came from the people who were working with me. The old ladies and my department manager who made sure I wasn’t overextending myself. The one other young man working in the clothing department who always got sent with me to unload the heavy stuff and commiserated with me about the shoulder injuries, the hurting feet we were too young to have.
But none of that was enough to make me stay. We were constantly understaffed. I was constantly abused by customers and not able to do a thing about it. I was not paid much at all. So as soon as I had enough saved up for what I was trying to do and my last semester of college was about to start I handed in my two weeks.
I would have found a way to stay if I liked that job. If I liked that job I would’ve pushed myself to my mental limits to finish college and keep that job at the same time. Heck that job could’ve been a rest from college. A place to get away from it. But I hate that job so I got out as soon as I could.
I want to work. I want enough money to live sort of comfortably. I want to have some tasks to do to give my creativity a rest. I want to be a part of something. But the way that modern corporate run work environments are set up does not give me any of the things I actually want out of a job. And I think that’s the same for millions of people right now. A lot of people would happily spend their lives as a waitress or an Uber driver or a warehouse worker or a farmhand or any other “low skill” job you can possibly think of. But with the way the world works right now those jobs are absolutely miserable. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know because I’ve had a fulfilling part time minimum wage job that I looked forward to going to every week. A job where I was listened to and allowed to sit when I needed to. I miss that job. Especially now since I’ve realized that’s not the standard. It should be. People should look forward to going to work or at the very least not get mild ptsd whenever they set foot into a Walmart.
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computer define underdog
#bluebird.txt#google search how to explode my brain with hammers to reset into a functional normal person#how fucking hadd is it to be perfect it's not that hard. you just have to do everything!#but you can never do everything. sometimes you can't even do one fucking thing.#and time moves forward so quickly. go back i didn't do it right. i need to try again. i can be perfect this time i promise.#and i can't but i can and then i can't again but i can't but i can't BUT ITS NOT THAT HARD#HOW HARD COULD IT POSISBLY FUCKING BE!!!!!!#just do it. it's not hard you can just od it. if's not rhat hRd.#JUST FUCKING DO IT#but you can't. even though it's so fucking easy. look at everyone around you doing it and they don't give half as many shits as you do#you're fighting for your fucking life tryi to come out on top and everyone's on too sipping their drinks complaining that it's a little hot#today#what i would give to feel like it was easy. what i constantly give that never feels like enough#but i will say#one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me#was my professor telling me ghat a grad student told her they wished they'd been like me when they were younger#and another two grad students just last week going out of their ways to tell me i did a good job#when that 'good job' felt so shitty i went to the bathroom to suck in my tears bc my day still wasn't fucking over#life is never over it just keeps going and you get up and you get up and you keep going and it's hard and annoying and i'll never be perfec#and i don't think i'll ever- apart from those brief glimpses people give me of what they truly think- ever see myself. i can only ever see#the mirror#or the inside of my eyes#but i'll never see myself as i am#so maybe i don't have to freak oht?#maybe i should just sleep#time to go listen to vienna and cry more maybe#i'm fine. i'm just tired and lazy and tirada en mi cama and can't reach my journal from here. el oh el.#save me help me. i want to feel peace. i can't wait to be older. i can't wait to find my way.#please.
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i hate spending money + i promised myself i wouldn’t buy any sm albums but the cosmic cosmie versions are just soooo cute
#+#i have issues with sm’s packaging is all + i have this fear that if i give in at all id want to collect rv or aespa or taeyeon fr#i told myself id only buy txt + illit (and maybe lsf) from now on bc i do really love them#i hate having physical things like i constantly throw things out bc of it#but i loove cute things + pastel things + those little plushes would actually fit into my room so well 😑#it would be like $40 though which is money i could use for something else instead#(but i could also justify it bc im going back to work after summer break next week + ive barely spent any money over summer)#it’s such bad timing though bc i just bought some albums last week 😭#i preordered skz as a gift + blue hour bc ive been thinking about it for a while + was like ‘it makes sense with shipping ^^’#but now im like… that could’ve been used on this instead#but there’s always something else money could be used for#i literallyyy do this with every purchase + then i spend a week wanting to die bc i spent money#but tbh outside of normal living expenses the only thing i ever spend money on is kpop albums#i can’t even order food bc spending money on something so temporary makes me want to die#it’s like a good problem to have ig bc i save a lot of money (yayyy) but like.. the aftermath of purchases is horrible#like curled in a ball sick to my stomach with guilt#BUT i know they’ll sell out soon so if i want to get them i need to do it now ahhhhhhh#idk ill cry about it + then decide by tonight ig ^^
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Wanting to upgrade my computer so I can more reliably play games w/ friends is a feasible goal which is awesome ‘cause for the last few years my main goal has been “don’t kill yourself” so having this as a goal shows improvement in that I actually want something other than to simply not die by my own hand
#also it gives me incentive to go to work#I was sick this week so I missed like 3 days of work as a result of me trying to avoid giving myself asthma#but as luck would have it I made the conscious effort to go to work every day last week#not to mention this was a really fast sick span#it only lasted from Friday-Most Tuesday#outside the bread coughs and liquids down the wrong holes i’ve been doing swell#so swell that I feel comfortable going in to work tomorrow#my position right now tho worries me#I’m not sure how long I can be a pick-off as it hurts my shoulder but I think if I were to stretch more diligintely before work I could#potentially avoid it#but regardless it just sucks in general to have be like this ‘cause loading hurts my knees and those just hurt regardless#plus I got a bigass hill I have to climb after work every night and that doesn’t do me any favors#and on top of that if I don’t climb it fast it measn getting home like 30 minutes later half the time#and I’m not fond of waiting for the bus that late at night#especially since a couple of weeks ago I had a dude harassing me#like I have to walk down side streets that are largely unlit to sit and wait at a bus stop that no one really goes to like ??#I just need to buy a few things for the computer namely RAM and a 1TB internal SSD#that’s pretty cheapo in comparison to the rest of the computer#hell the RAM isn’t even necessary tbh that’s why I’m going for the SSD first#A 2TB SSD would be better tho like it could fully replace my 9 y/o 2TB HDD that’s Very Much So At The End Of Its Life#truly tho I need a car#but it’s hard to save for a car when I have so much debt to pay every month#I think I can actually start saving for one like mext year tho ‘cause at the rate I’m going by feb next year I could be cleared of all#personal debts#then I can save up like $120 a month guarunteed rather than trying and failing to save even like $50 or somethin#I could actually help people too#I could be comfortable and help people w/o throwing myself under the bus financially#that’s what I really want
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What I Want You To Know About Long COVID
Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.
Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.
COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.
Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).
There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.
So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.
COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.
The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".
Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."
There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.
You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.
I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.
This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.
Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.
Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.
Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.
Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.
Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.
Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.
And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.
Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.
I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.
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